We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #3 - 90210 "Pilot, Part 2"

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

We kick off this week's run of MELR0210 by finishing up the second part of the 90210 pilot, originally known as one 90-ish minute entity titled, "Class of Beverly Hills"! What a scuzzy move by Brandon, no? How does Brenda's date not catch on that she's a high school student after that "black hole" conversation? And what's with that fish tank thing? PLUS: Hey, isn't that the guy from Hepcat? MELR0210 is a new show the gang put together to help you pass the time during this necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Melro 210. Remain indoors. This is our quarantine pod. As always, I am joined with my good friends. My name is Steven Saneck, by the way. I'm joined with my good friends, Andrew Jupin, Chris Cabin,

and Eric Siska. Good friend. And we're Good acquaintance, mate. acquaintance maybe just an acquaintance from work yeah exactly we're on this this

this this call right now this is for work you know it's true it's a work call this is a work call we're work buddies we know each other this is kind of a water cooler conversation and we are also joined by the the ghost of Brandon

Walsh's virtue is this fucking guy man what a fucking asshole I gotta say wait wait your issue is that he he's thinking with his heart in this episode No, the way he does it is the thing.

It's a very brandy way of doing. This is our Beverly Hills 9-0-2-0 version of Melro 2-0. This is the second episode of the pilot, the finale of the pilot. Dylan is coming next week, ladies and gentlemen. He can't roll in on his motorcycle fast enough. I believe it when I see it, Steve. And a little later down the line, we got Kelly's drunk mom showing up. We've got a fake Kelly's mom in this episode, I'm not thrilled about.

Oh, it's a different woman? Yeah. Oh, interesting. Because Kelly's mom's a wreck, and this woman's not a wreck. I want to quickly mention a little correction department when we had the whole debate about this guy like eating and deep-throating cars. Because his license plate, what is his name? Steve. Steve, yes. What was his license? Sanders. Sanders. Steve Sanders, character on the show, he drives a corvette. Bernie's nephew. Steve, you can't be driving. You can't be eating car vets. My nephew, Stephen, is the exact perfect example of everything that's wrong in the United States of America right now. Look, Uncle Bernie, look, you know what?

My health care, it's fine. You know what? It's fucking great. You're a fucking disgrace, Steve. You're a fucking disgrace, Steve. You hear me? But real 902102.10 fans contacted us and said, because he drives a Corvette, that's why his vanity license plate was I ate a Ferrari. he actually didn't ingest auto parts like we had hypothesized now but just a correction to your

correction dude this was not a fan of 90210 correcting you this was a car person correcting you I guess that's they may they may also be a fan cars have a lot of fans they may also have been a fan of the program but this specific correction was coming from the car fan complaint uh actually made her he's he's driving made her in this show so we pick up really awkwardly where we left left off because this is this is a 90-minute episode split into two it's just Brandon and what's this lady's name Marianne something Mary Ann Moore Mary Ann Moore they're on their hot date that Andrea foolishly set them up on yeah I mean you don't see the date you just see well you see the end part of the

date I wanted to see this dinner Instead, the way it starts, though, is they are driving down the road on this motorcycle at night. You got these headlights on the pavement, like a fucking David Lynch movie. It's very... Yeah, there's like... There's two scenes between them that are very eerie. This scene and when, like, she's about to confront him in the hallway. Oh, the hallway?

Oh, what the fuck was that? It was fucking Nightmare at Elm Street. I know. Where's the fucking girl in the body bag? You fucked up, Brandon. Hey, Brandon. Here's your whole pass. Oh, dude, Freddie would fucking eviscerate these kids

and he'd be well within his rights. Dude, it should have been like, fucking Freddie Kruger's spring break, he goes to Beverly Hills and fucking paints the town blood red. He could knock these kids out in a day, honestly. One 24-hour period, Freddy's got them all done.

Yeah, Brandon would try to sacrifice himself too, that genuine fuck. 90-20-0, Freddy's coming for you. 902.10. Oh, no. They would just have the shittiest ideas. Like, hey, maybe if we sleep in the car, nothing will happen. I do like how this motorcycle is hugging these curves and Brandon's hugging her curves. Am I right, fellas?

Dude, he's doing, Jason Priestley's doing a little too long of a look back at this girl while driving a motorcycle. Now, I watch this on CBS All Access. I think you guys watched it on Hulu. on my version anyway the music of going down this highway was amazing really yeah it was just like hauntingly like it was like a haunting distant

woman's voice with this music and it was just like closer let love take your hand I'll tell you it's not nearly as haunting as the fucking shitty theme song they had on the fucking Hulu stream let's get into it yeah the Hulu theme song I think probably Eric you have this as well For CBS All Access, if you're watching along with CBS All Access, maybe piggybacking off Picard, it was just the 90-minute episode married together.

So I just resumed where it left. God. So I didn't get any theme song. And by the way, even if I had, I wouldn't be able to tell the fucking difference. No, it just, it's got, I don't even know. It's like this, like, it's a lot of Cassio. It's a lot of saxophone going on. It sounds like the intro song to a flying NES.

game you know what i mean that's cool yeah i was into it i feel like i should be like selecting a plane selecting a pilot welcome to chuck yager's air combat first select your plane exactly you have selected you have selected your plane now select how drunk the pilot is Michael Winslow, shitty Nintendo songs. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes. Final thing about this motorcycle, did everybody appreciate the disgusting-ass mustard yellow and ketchup red this thing is?

Yeah, dude. Yikes town, man. It's one of those, like, Honda bikes, those big fat dudes, you know, like, not like a... Whatever. So, speaking of big fat dudes, nowhere to be found, we go to a sexy, Marianne Moore's sexy jacuzzi, which heard Brandon. They've got some champagne.

and they're having a good time she notices a chest hair on him and plucks it and he's like oh thanks I've only got to and I'm like fuck you Walsh man yeah dude be like the rest of us and have looked like a werewolf since the eighth grade

it by the way is this a hot tub on a different plot of land it seems like it's in its own black abyss away from the house it is pretty poorly lit so that like all you see is the hot tub and everything else in the frame is just blackness?

For a second, I thought this was Chris Cab and city zoning. It's like a side passion of his. Yeah. Although they went into the Black Lodge, then got on the motorcycle. So this is in the other place. Oh, that makes total sense. Marienne, what year is this? That's why Bob came out of the water.

We do have a Bob in this episode, by the way. Do we? Yeah, he's unseen, but it's Kelly's mom's boy. Oh, right. Right, right. So Marianne is kind of putting the moves on Brandon, and Brandon is like, whoa, this is going too fast. Didn't your mom ever teach you how to play hard to get?

I'm like, dude, you need to get out of my house right now. All I could think about was the Seinfeld line where he's like, are those the panties your mother laid out for you? It is a weird thing, because he's expecting her mother to be like, OK, girls, we're going to play hard to get it. It's going to make them really friggin' hard if you do this. Look, I want you to suppress your sexual appetite,

okay? Just constantly do it. But her response is incredible because she's like, hey, Brandon, my mom was a groupie for my dad's rock and roll band, and she goes, they did things in the 60s and 70s that would fucking

turn your hair, white, Brandon Walsh. And I know because she told me about all of them. For some reason. For some reason. She's been training. It's like a Jedi Temple. It's your classic, it's a trope of this show. Minneapolis values trump this fucking Beverly Hills hedonism.

You know what I mean? Like it's disgusting, is what they say. Now, Steve, do the characters eventually, I mean, they have to. I know that Brenda eventually leaves the show kind of early on. What does she get? You get like four seasons with her or something like that?

Yeah, it's four and then she's out, I believe. But like, is there ever a thing where it's like, well they've both succumbed to Beverly Hills hedonism it just sort of get this like Minneapolis stuff it's just less and less it's a lot in the beginning and just drips and dabs and eventually they're just Beverly Hills scumbags like everybody else gotcha fair enough so that is and he like kind of basically like very gently turns her down and she's like wow you're such a great guy I can't believe usually guys would be all over me in this point and like again I'm not saying like you got to

go for it, but at the same time, like, you can even just be like, hey, this is moving a little too fast. The line about, didn't your mother teach you any fucking values? Totally. Because he makes it all about her. It has nothing to do about what he wants. It's like, you shouldn't want this. Ah, good point, Chris Cabin. Well, even, he even says it even shittier. At first, he's like, oh, wait, aren't our rolls reversed a little bit here? He's like, wait, I should be the one trying to pounce upon you. And then in the spirit of courting, and he rolls out this fucking.

scroll he said this and I thought he was about to go nuclear when he got the roses I really thought he was going to lose it because that's like the next movement here roses that fucking bitch because yeah in Spanish class the next day first of all and I mean it's just because it's the pilot or whatever you know apparently Brandon and Brenda each have one class that's the only class they're allowed to go to Brenda's allowed to take chemistry, and Brandon has to take Spanish, and that is it. I love it. Dude, if that's what high school actually could have been?

Fuck, man. I would have been summa cum laude. So Brandon is in Spanish class and this delivery guy. How did this delivery guy get right up to the front door? I mean, it's Beverly Hills. Pre-9-11, too. I don't want this dude just roaming a fucking high school hallway jerking off into locker. Also pre-Columbine.

Also really good point. a really good point. That's the high school 9-11, by the way. Oh, you got yourself a flower delivery to our high school, huh? All right, you can go in and wander the halls until you find this kid in class, but no jerking off on the lockers. I was ready for him to pull a shotgun out of the thing of Rose is like Arnold. I've got a flower delivery for Brandon Valsh. Hi.

Blamo. And Steve is like, and like fucking point. poor andrea again has to like watch it and then later on he's like hey andrew by the way great recommendation for that restaurant she's like yeah oh this poor girl uh and she basically you know she's like oh he he does the thing where she's like oh i thought you wouldn't be into her because she's so like rich and stupid and you're like a nice guy with all these values and you're really smart and he's like she's more complicated in that and like he goes on this whole speech about how she's conflicted and Andrea like the rest of us are rolling our eyes yeah absolutely

why she seems like a totally normal but like Marianne doesn't seem like a like a dits or anything like no totally not but that's a thinkers cabin because but even Andrea herself carries high school biases with fair fair enough yes can i some of those some of those are unconscious biases by the way and And welcome to the HR seminar of We Hate Movies. Yes, your job has contacted us. This has been a sting operation. We know what you did at work. And working at home, by the way, under containment,

doesn't mean you can jerk off at work, buddy. You're working at home. Your home is now your workplace, and your company now has oversight. I want a six feet rule between your hand and your penis. At all times, everybody. You don't want to give. How's that work?

You don't want to give your. You don't want to give your penis COVID-19. No, it's really important. So another thing that's happening now is Brenda goes on a date with Rex Manning and comes back and calls Kelly at, make a point, it's 6 a.m. in the morning. And Kelly's mom blasts into the room is like, why are you getting calls in the middle of the night? Great, great observation. I was like, what the fuck does this lady know what time? this yeah Kelly what are you doing in the middle at 7 a.m. I'm making breakfast and this is this is the part though where she's like oh yeah mom you can't sleep well fucking Bob isn't having a problem sleeping that piece of shit you're saying she becomes a wreck yeah that's a good point. Well it's a it's a telling line right here because this is she's the kind of shitty parent that goes you know like hey I thought we agreed you were going to do your thing I'm going to do my thing and

maybe we'll see each other at dinner that is sort of picked up throughout the rest of the series in a way but like it's a different actress it's a different vibe later on a little more toxic you're saying a little more toxic yeah and this dude I mean he is moving in for the kill on this fucking high school girl man like I don't know what his problem is well he's in love and he doesn't know that she's fucking 16 I guess so dude I guess that's exactly what it is no I know no I know but I just don't trust this guy as far as I can throw I mean how long has he really known or is he really in love he's just in lust right this is like all those songs from the 60s and 50s about fucking kids that were popular you know it's just like you go to the fucking

carnival and you're like oh what is this and you write a song about it hey little lady let's do some stuff kind of a song yeah i'm not a fan of imagine either there she also goes on another date with him uh and his friends that they bring up it's a real he's bringing a fucking high school girl to dinner like it's fucking Manhattan it's fucking nuts dude it would have been nice if her if his friends were like uh yes exactly what did you did you talk to that look i think she's like 15 years old like look at her hands she's a child when they cut to her and she's this housing this spaghetti it's just like yeah dude she's a kid i haven't had anything to eat since earlier today when i had chicken tenders in the cafeteria uh salad at my desk oh yes i'll have

dorm room i'll have the pinot noir and uh my date here will have the craft mac and cheese thank you puts a napkin on like bib style oh god yeah it's all over face and like they're like oh you're majoring in whatever like quantum physics or some nonsense like could you explain what a black hole is to us and this guy is like looking at her like so what is a black hole really what the fuck are we talking about this dude at the fucking table is great she says i think that she's majoring in astronomy got it got it got it and it's so hilarious because this guy's reaction is basically like oh fucking finally i've met someone who it can explain to me what a black hole is and then if like she needs to be found

out right here like it shouldn't take so many more scenes for this to happen because she's just like well i mean i guess you know to explain it without having an understanding of fourth dimensional quantum mechanics, it's a hole. That's black. And right there, this dude has to be like, okay, you're a kid, right? What would be great about that is having this dude be embarrassed more so as well. Like, have it be this explosive thing where both of them have to live with the shame. Because he doesn't. You know, she like confides with him afterwards, right? Not a double date. no later on he and he gets mad at her well we'll get there but like he gets really he plays this thing all wrong is all i'll say he's rex fucking manning what do you want meanwhile steve is still looking for the my favorite line of this whole episode is kelly goes up to steve and she's like hey steve i saw your car looks pretty gross i love it uh she is uh steve is looking for the nerdlinger

or a dweebmeister or whatever the word we're using that crashed his car. I think it was a combo of both of those, Steve. I think his portmanteau was nerdmeister. That's what it is. What I love about this is he's offering a $50 reward for the information or a date. He's prostituting himself to find who destroyed his car.

Steve, Steve, it's Uncle Bernie. The car being crashed is a car. good thing, get rid of it. You can't be throwing around $50 bills to solve your problem, Steve. Also, though, I don't know, Steve Sanders, you're pretty fucking rich, man. And I get it's like, you know, 1990 or whatever, but, uh, I'm not coughing up a little more than 50 bucks. It is a rich school. I'm not, I'm not waiting, get out of bed for 50 bucks. Totally. Well, he said a date. I do want to, I do want to jump back really quickly because for this show, I realized I am just going to be on mullet watch. Oh, for sure.

the whole time and there is a spectacular one when Brenda so her whole thing you know when we first pick up with Brenda at the very beginning of the episode he has taken her back to his place and there's a whole right she's like you know oh you live here by yourself and blah blah again another clue buddy if anyone's impressed that you live alone they clearly live with their parents and might be a kid but so that whole thing goes down they're going to get it on and then she's like no He is very much like, okay, that's totally fine. I'll drive you home. She directs him to like some UCLA sorority house. And dude, so she's got to take a cab back to the Walsh residence. And the cab driver, my friends, is sporting one of the most gloriously disgusting mullets I have ever seen. It was outstanding. It's a treasure.

the mullets i mean and brandon's mullet continues unabated it's wonderful it is a one-to punch of you go from the cab driver to like the front door like the doorstep of their house and brandon's like right there when she gets to the door so it's like mullet for mullet and and he gets it wet so it's waterfall it's an actual waterfall it's exactly right chris kevin you got yourself a genuine kentucky waterfall now speaking of wet back at his place there was like a fish tank or something behind them and And it was just amazing. It was just like percolating nonstop. It was a wall, it was from floor to ceiling, this like thin layer of plastic that has like water shooting through it. And I'm like, I'm in quarantine and I need things to distract me.

Maybe I'll buy one of those. It looked amazing, dude. It was like one of those Troy McClure fish fucker things. We need a water wall. No, oh, you don't. Guys, that's the original soda stream. And after all,

You're my water wall. This dude, Jason, takes out a step ladder, walks up, and then dips his hand into it and starts slurping it. He's like, you want some sultzer? I got to pump it a few times. Hold on. Save so much money. He's just dunking like a glass into it to drink from. I'll turn it all in the Coke for you, baby.

Want some seven up next? All right. Yeah. Oh, babe, you want a Coke? Absolutely. Come back next week. It'll be all ready for you. I meant cocaine, not a wall of Coca-Cola. It's, again, it saves me so much money. What am I going to do with all this homemade soda? Maybe that's his job. What was he a lawyer? He's a lawyer, supposedly. Maybe he's a fucking soda salesman. We also find out in this episode he's 25. My, I mean, I guess because of the age.

of the kids are older like everyone's like 18 or 19 when they're filming this except for uh gabriel carteros who plays andrew who's 59 um no she's not she's i mean she's i think she's i did the math today she was like 29 when they filmed this but that's still fucking nuts but like all the kids are like 18 19 and you have to have so and they're playing 15 so like a 25 year old you have to do like a 30 year old i guess or 35 it's also like a portrayal like in 19 90, you could be an adult at 25. You can't now because of the wage slavery system that we have implemented. That's a good point. That's very true. I have, the funny thing is, since we started this endeavor, I've been thinking of the whole, like, you know, older actors having to play younger. And last night, I think I came across one of the most egregious ones yet. We finally got around to watching the first Jumanji.

movie? Not the Robin Williams one like the new one with Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart and everybody. By the way totally solid entertainment but there's a guy who plays the character that when they go into the game he becomes Kevin Hart this actor Sir Darius Blaine

this guy is playing a fucking young high school kid and I shit you not when they made this movie he was literally 30 years old. That's crazy. It's outrageous man and he fucking looks way old like it's crazy town. Bullshit.

30 years old. So, Brandon is in gym class, he's running, and he gets confronted by these two dudes, one of which is the guy from PCU. Yes, Alex DeZer, dude from fucking Becker, and the singer of one of the greatest bands ever, Hepcap. And he also is in, what do you call it,

their swingers as well? Oh, that's right. I forget he's in that movie, yeah. And he's like, hey man, I heard you went out with Marianne Moore, and you spent the night. Is that true? And Brandon's like, well, I never kiss until. What does he say exactly?

Because he kind of opens the door but doesn't close it. I did something that most guys couldn't handle. That's how I got her. That is such bullshit, dude. Especially if you're going to be doing this Prince Valley and tors shit in the bedroom. You better be like, no, dude, I'm fucking practically more than. He leaves it open like that they possibly had sex. That's kind of how the rumors start, I guess.

All right. All right. you want me to spell it out for you i let her peg me okay not many guys would do it on the second date chris cabin actually in my notes i have the same exact thought written down i have pegged underlined in my notes i did something most guys couldn't handle pegged underlined most guys can't handle it man and that's their loss so um she the next day word is all over the school especially by this soon to be gone i think disc jockey character who's like what a fucking ass but again like you can't be giving reports on who fucking got to third base right before

everyone gets to school like the school's gonna be like yo dude you gotta fucking tone that shit down it's a high school howard stern exactly oh in the young lovers club it's so and so and so and brandon walsh and mary ann more here it comes later on we're gonna have Dona on the Sibian. Exactly, dude. After fourth period, we'll be back on the air, and we're talking Sibian rides. Kelly and Brenda get into a bit of trouble here in their one class that they're allowed to go to, which is chemistry class.

You got the Mostel kid, Josh Mostell again. Somebody paid for him, and they're like, look, let him vamp, dude, let him vamp. This is just, it's not what I signed on for. is this dude fucking dancing around a chemistry lab to classical music being a real fucking creep and it's a pop quiz and kelly's doing the poor job of like asking for the answers he shows he comes up and he's like hey look you guys both have the same wrong answers you try this again you're in huge trouble by the way brenda i looked at your transcript which was intimidating uh you are now uh you have to go to the principal's office the principal who is going to get replaced

And this is like the principal again saying this is one of the best schools in the country, blah, blah, blah, blah. Did he actually say intimidating? No, no, no, no. I'm just that's my Donnie Darko joke. Oh, right, right. I should be reporting to you. I only went to college for eight years. Of course I'm less than you.

It's kind of crazy, though, because I guess this whole thing is like, they're saying that, like, Brenda. I mean, so she's gone on, she went to dinner with this dude. and there's like so they've been on like two dates I think pretty much it's also September 9th by the way like the semester barely begun exactly but they act like she's had this

crazy downward spiral and she's like I just haven't had time for school work and blah blah and I'm like you had two dinners you had two dinners with this dude like how are you failing that badly I think it's the double date that's really given her too much pressure

man you know what i mean you're hanging out with all these adults yeah yeah that's true and like you fucking totally botched that black hole explanation and she was probably masturbating every day non-stop so yeah i shouldn't do any of the homework she does tell jenny garth that she's like dangerously obsessed with him kind of because she's like she's like oh well you know i know that it's it's too soon to be in love i just don't know what this is and i was like uh yeah you're a horny teenager. It's kind of an interesting reversal because Kelly it seems like the bad girl at the start

and part one anyway and then by this point it's like holy shit Brenda's given everyone a run for their money like she's fucking crazy with this dude. Dude you're totally right Eric it's like this is like the spell that West Beverly High casts on kids you know what I'm saying? She was doing this shit in Minneapolis don't be

fucking with me come on oh you think so that's the thing she says and I think even Brandon is like oh man girls are like this in mill you think they're not giving each other hand jobs in minneapolis right now in high school no their mother taught them to play hard to get with the hand jobs no she has the high score on hattachi already don't start with this well actually speaking of i watched rushmore this weekend and my favorite thing is the kid from fucking uh dennis the menace who just goes they were in a car giving each other hand jobs yes wow i forgot about that That's just, that's a, that's a, oh, a hand jab.

Oh, you're going to give me a hand jab? In the back of a bloody jagia. Hey, Calloway, here comes your stepfather. Fucking laughing my ass off of that movie. That's a great movie, man. It's a great, great movie. So, now with the announcement, the word is out on Brandon, Andrea, of course, is super disappointed in him.

That's a running trope. She's like, I thought you were this kind of a guy, but I guess you're just another fucking pig. And, you know, he's like, oh, man, oh, oh, and he doesn't understand. This is the nightmare on Elm Street fucking scene where Marion Moore punched him in the stomach. Oh, it was a great slug to the gut, dude. I was cheering for this one. And she's like, oh, you know, similarly, I thought you were this guy, but now you're just one of these other guys that are just trying to get, you know, make, you know, see it the next party brand in.

And he's like, oh, no. It also sucks because she's like, which you'll probably be at my house. It's like, just tell people they can't come over, which is the lesson Marianne Moore does learn at the end of this episode is sometimes you don't have to let 80 people into your house for no reason. Exactly, and thank you to the fan

that reminded me, and the meat puppets as well. That's what the band was in the first episode. Oh, those were the meat puppets? Apparently, yeah, I didn't know. Unconfirmed information, message from a fan, just letting everybody know. Should we talk about the horny teachers? Yeah.

just gonna ask about that dude yeah you know what chris cabin yeah you can't just learn spanish you have to touch spanish you got to fuck spanish um you got to do so it seems it seems like the spanish teachers in trouble for submersing the students in spanish and the principals like well since you'd fucked up that much you're going on a date with me yes but she starts too because she's he's like listen you know this is not working out we don't do that this school and and she's like, no, you have to touch smash. She grabs his hand and puts on her chest. She's trying to save her job by any means necessary.

But again, Steve, as you already pointed out, like this lady is brought in because the guy is like, hey, so we've noticed that the comprehension in your class is down, the kids aren't understanding what you're saying because you're doing this fully immersive thing, blah, blah, blah. But as Steve pointed out, it's fucking just after Labor Day. What are we, we're getting ready to fucking fire this,

lady it's not even you know a midterm i think he thought this was a good way to get a date going in i i i if you remember in the first part he is watching from afar as she does a little dance on her own and you know the minute that was over he took a stroll to the bathroom when the stall and had a little you know hello charlie and if you want to if you want to keep your job yeah you're good that's going to be a date on the whiteboard in darred star's room when he's creating this show it was like brandon inventor question mark sexy teachers question mark and then fucking erred spelling went cross out bad boy in big letters so like yeah that's going on um also steve we find we finished the steve and david scenario my favorite part about this whole fucking pilot

is not only it's somebody who's like all right when scott's lakers cap isn't on screen someone needs to explain where it is i cannot believe this lakers hat was a fucking plot point for the end of this pilot because it's like oh oh man david i think you left my lakers cap in steve sanders car oh no and i'm like who gives a shit about your lakers cap well because his fucking name is on it dude well that's he's a loser for fucking putting his name in his hat i'm sorry i agree It's a fucking $20 hat kid. You'll get it back. Give it up.

Just come on. So they're trying to break into it. I think this is in the Spanish class when Andrea confronts Brandon. Steve runs out. He's like, I got the guy. Dude, there is a hilarious thing here because they're like they fucking break into his car. David's got like a sheet of metal that he jimmies the fucking door open with. And the car alarm goes off.

And so Steve gets some like little remote thing and, you know, letting him know that this happens. and he stands up in the classroom and just goes busted and runs out of the room. Now, I think that's what I would be bringing the Spanish teacher into my office as a principal before. So people are just yelling busted and leaving your class at will. And people are getting flowers delivered. What is going on here? Well, I mean, this is, I think this is a Southern California at this particular time. Because remember, in Fast Times at Ridgemont High doesn't...

Oh, Spicoli gets a pizza delivery. Mr. Hand takes that pizza and gives it to everybody else, though. And then what happens next, Chris? He gets fucked by a horse. Yes, that's true. He goes outside and he videotapes himself having sex with a horse.

Dude, now I am just picturing old surly Ray Walsden getting fucked by a huge horse. Well, did you bring enough horse cock for everyone in the class? Now, you know what? I'm going to explain what's going on here because we might have some normies here. We're doing a Beverly Hills, 9-0-2-0 recapion. We're talking about the film Zoo from, I believe, 2007, a documentary in which it got about a real man whose online handle was Mr. Hand was fucked to death by a horse.

And it's also Chris Cabin's favorite movie. It is a great movie. It's fantastic. And yeah, I love the idea of Ray Walston getting by the horse. Documentary, by the way. I don't know if we said that. It is not a narrative film. That is a documentary. That came out in 2007, and Chris Cabin has been mentioning it daily ever since.

It's insane, man. I call you every day, even in quarantine. These fucking Zoom messages, I get at like 3 o'clock in the morning, like, hey, Steve, just thinking again about zoo? I just got to delete those texts. It was insane. Dude, Cabin texted me at 6.30 this morning. It was like, dude, you're thinking about zoo? And I was like, who's texting me in the middle of the night?

Somebody had to share my 50th rewatch with me, okay? And all your tweets. Netflix party. And with hashtag barnyard? Hashtag save zoo. Hashtag zoo too, question mark. Anyways, so that's sort of, and like, you know, David and Steve kind of come to terms here. You know, he's like, oh, you're such a geek.

He's like, hey, man, I can get your car replaced. And I can fix your car for cheaper and you'll make some money on the deal. Also, I blew out your speakers. And he's like, I can't believe you're such a geek. And that's kind of the end of it. It's kind of a funny, you know, from the episode of Belrose plays that we talked about earlier this week, or last week, rather, you know, in the, by the third season, they're clearly buds and everything. So it's nice to see, like, the budding friendship right here of David and Steve. I think they also have good chemistry, the two actors.

They definitely do, yeah. And Brian Austin Green, I didn't really realize, because I don't, you know, I never really watches this and I don't think I've seen him in anything else. But, like, he's a funny guy. Like, he's a funny actor. Yeah. And Ayn Zering is also, you know, doing some good comedy here. Steve, you're being mad about the car and everything. So it all kind of nicely worked out.

Sounds like someone's falling in love with this show, and I'm really excited. I like the dose of criminality. They're going to scam someone to get a profit off of it. It's not someone, dude. He's telling Steve Sanders how he can commit insurance for. Steve, it's Uncle Bernie again. What are you doing? First of all, get rid of the car vet.

Now you're going to scam some poor mechanic who, Oh, but doesn't even have health insurance. Ah, go tax a corporation, you old fuck. I will tax a corporation, Steve. Put your mother on the phone. No. If I find out that my nephew is a fucking thief. Car insurance for all.

That's it. Car vets, yes, I understand car vets who will also get the benefit, but also Honda Accords will get the benefit as well. Think of the civics. The lonely Ford focus on the highway. Always you with the fucking focuses. Shit. Yeah, you're all my vet this and my vet that.

How about my corolla? Does anybody remember that ad campaign for a sensible sedan? My corolla. So that's sort of, that's the end of that one. We'll do the Brandon one too. He kind of goes on the stupid radio show. Flash the cash. And he puts to death the rumor that he had sex with Marianne Moore.

He's like, no, you know, we didn't do that, but we have an understanding that's even better than you can even imagine. And Flash is like, get the fuck off my radio station. I love the dude who's like, maybe like the producer or something, one of the engineers. Because this is, of course, a fully functioning radio station. Sure. The dude is, like, disgusted that it's not a juicy guest spot. And he's like, he's like behind Brandon, like, gagging. like putting his finger in his mouth like the story's fucking terrible yeah John the

joke man martling there so then Marianne basically is like hey I heard what you said thanks for that by the way you know you know maybe we'll be friends some other time kind of leaving that door open she never comes back there is the the creepiest part it's such a Brandon Walsh move where he's like Andre is mad at me I better follow her home I cannot believe this dude and it's like she gets on a bus and right away he's like kind of disgusted even though he's not like a super rich guy either but he's like public transportation it's awesome she does she gets on the bus though like and like it's kind of a secret to her dark secret that's coming up here like if that's the case like walk four blocks

and then take the bus don't take the one across the street from school that's a good point yeah totally dude you got to walk a few stops down the street also the way that this episode telegraphs that she is going to a quote unquote bad place or whatever the first thing you see she's on this bus and there are Spanish speaking

people helping her like do her Spanish homework and you're like oh does everybody get it look at this girl she's sitting on a seat with a bunch of Spanish speaking people so he shows up and she reveals her deep dark secret which is

she's not rich at all she can't she doesn't even live in beverly hills she lives on the other side of town and she only goes there because it's one of the best schools in the country and you know she gets mail at her grandmother's house she's going to be a character at some point nobody needs to talk about it i'm excited i didn't know this i did not know this okay i'm sure this the granny yes i'm sure this is wrong but the way that she's like telling brandon like listen my grandmother has a rent control apartment in beverly hills that's where i get my mail i immediately pictured the old lady who's Kramer's neighbor

when he moves to LA I did a shot with the stooges once you wish man is she is granny like a washed out actor no no she's just an older Jewish lady that's like very sweet is she getting shagged all up and down Hollywood Boulevard or what man

not to my knowledge so that's sort of and he's like hey I'll keep your secret just like wow you are an amazing guy is like yeah I kind of am and they like kind of go in her house In the most devastating line in this episode, dude, it is from Andrea. She, like, they have it out or whatever, and Brandon promises, he's like, look, I'm not going to, you know, rat you out or anything.

Your secret's safe with me, and they shake hands. And then she realizes, like, he's, well, he's already there kind of a thing. And she goes, it's nice to finally bring a friend home from school. Oh, my God, dude, that gutted me. I was like, this poor 40-year-old girl. Hello, Andrea. That's a grandmother. I'm just missing... Oh, oh, hello. Is this another not boyfriend? You know, I've got poor waiting for me.

Wait, so you just told him where to go on a date? Andrea, my sweet, never do that. Whiff again. Swing and a miss, granddaughter. And now we will commence the hand job class. This is how you do it. Now you want to make him wait for it, you see. Let him start, then you go.

Help him. Listen, he's going to get himself started a lot faster than you will. So you let him start, then you jump on it. Andrea, help him, dear. Jump on it. I would help, but my hip and all. So the end of this episode is Brenda and her boyfriend, there um he finally invites her out i think um kelly is like you have if you're you know that's right he's

like inviting her because he's going moving really fast like you know we need to go away for the weekend this that and the other thing kelly is like you got to come clean with this guy so they're at this fucking they're at the same i believe the museum uh from the original 1989 batman where kim basinger is attacked is that right no no it just looks it's this insane fucking structure wherein this it's a it's the fanciest restaurant in town the the waiters have bow top for a polka dotted vests all sorts of 90s horse shit and she finally comes cleaning to the guy and she's like look um can i tell you anything it's like of course baby and she's like okay i'm 16 and like here's the thing if you're on a date and you've already like kind of he's done stuff whether he's not

not had sex or anything like that you know but like stuff has happened and that person tells you that they're 16, I am reacting like there is a bomb in the car. You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God. Oh, okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And you'll very slow.

We're going to keep the car running and we're going to park very slowly. Nobody make a noise. He should just break her neck, dude. Go drive out to the desert and bury her. But no, he starts being like, the waiter's like, is there a problem, sir? He's like, why do you check her ID? Last thing I'm asking anyone in this restaurant to do, by the way. Yeah, that's a shitty thing.

I love that the waiter just immediately exits. He's just like, yikes, I'll let this play out without me. Oh, you know what? Yeah, I thought we'd just hang at my house this weekend. But you know what we should do? We should go to Palm Springs. Out in the desert, all alone. No, no, no.

All the cool older guys also dig their own graves. So, I mean, no, no, keep shoveling. You're doing great. Oh, I love you, Brenda. Keep shoveling. The insane thing that this guy says, I mean, the thing about checking her ID is really fucking rude and shitty, but the insane thing that makes no sense as he goes, oh yeah, Brenda, you think this is funny? Well, what are you going to do when I sue your parents? Yeah, Brenda, I took you all the way out to a dinner at Dorcia. Like, you can't sue the bank you're robbing. You're the criminal here, my friend.

I mean, but he didn't know. He met her in a 21 plus club. Sure, sure. And it's kind of crazy, though, because even, like, it's funny Kelly's little arc in all of this because she's, like, so into this idea that, you know, Brenda's dating an older guy

and he's a lawyer. There's a brief scene that we didn't touch on where they're, like, calling his office, so, or his apartment, so all the girls can hear his voice on the answering machine tape. By the way, Tori Spelling, wearing a shitty i believe godzilla t-shirt nice was an odd choice for tory spelling uh but like so

she's like having it all but then when brenda's like yeah i think i'm gonna fuck this guy she's like now hold on a second because it's about to become really super illegal brenda it's like fun and games are over yes that's true you can just imagine fucking uh brenda's father on the phone to his lawyer yeah jack i don't i don't know the guy's suing me because he fingered my daughter i don't know how I don't know how. I can't explain it to you. He's cleaning me out because you fingered my daughter. I have to go to debtor's prison because this guy, you know.

James Eckhouse is like, somehow, I'm paying $50,000 a finger here. Oh, that's awful. Another fucking shitty-ass line right after he threatens to sue the parents, they're in the car and he goes, was it fun playing grown-up? Yeah. You're 25. You're playing grown-up. and she's like devastated she goes into her her and he's like oh wait you're crying it's like yeah dude

you've been berating this 16 year old girl for 20 minutes threatening her with legal action totally this whole thing was just huge misunderstanding it was a big mistake it got out of hand sure she came clean before you fucking did anything to incriminate yourself just get out of there as quickly as possible and go on your lorry way with your fucking wall of seltzer and your weird apart Again, a bomb in the car. I'm just like, okay. Okay, oh, God. All right, yeah. No, it's fine. Hey, ha ha. You know, let's just, we're going to go home right now. You're a super gal. I'm a little too old for you. I'll call you next week and then you move town. Yep, dodged that bullet, baby. This is we get some Cindy Walsh here. She comforts Brenda. It's a nice little scene, you know. Yeah, no, it actually, it wasn't, it wasn't too bad. And then James Eckhouse comes in like, hey, did I miss anything? And they're like, get the fuck out of here. all right i'm gonna go take a dump see you later everybody and that's me for the pilot yeah absolutely uh yeah i mean brenda and brandon have a little you know like makeup because they kind of have like a little uh yeah argument sort of the middle of the episode and it's a weird they're and again this is

it's odd but they're twins so you never know you know he's like uh brenda did you and she's like I don't know, Brandon. Did you? I'm like, you know what? Everybody just go to bed. Good idea. And you know what? This connecting bathroom is over with.

Absolutely. You know what? Dylan is on his way. He's going to be here tomorrow. Just go to bed. Oh, no. Dylan Walsh is coming? Oh, dude.

They should have brought Dylan Walsh in on this show as Uncle Dylan. I'm shocked he's not in this show. I would think he'd be prime fucking target. Or J.T. Walsh. Get him in there too, dude. Oh, absolutely. He was still with us at this point. He plays a wayward truck driver

that's hanging outside the school. Oh, he could be Bob. Oh, man. Him as Bob. Yes. Or get some M. Emmett Walsh in there? Yes. He's a guy that Brenda's dating next episode.

Dude, it was insane. Oh, hey, Brenda. Hello, look at me. Trolling around West Beverly High. Why don't you ask you for a ID, waiter? I'm going to show your parents. Actually, no, I'm gonna kill your parents. Give him the old blood shimp.

Dude, I watched an episode of Frazier a few days ago where M. Emmett Walsh guest stars as Martin's co-worker. And it's from like fucking 20 years ago, and M. Emmett Walsh then looks like he's 105 years old. He passed, didn't he or did he not? No, he's still alive. What was he just in recently, Cabin? He was just in a movie for like two seconds.

Oh, fuck, you're gonna kill me with this. kill me with this oh you know what he's in uh not a movie but he's in the righteous gemstones oh oh that's right that's where i saw yeah and he's pretty good in it too i mean he's the american buddha he'll be around for forever i hope so knock on wood uh i should i'm your new chemistry teacher yeah we're going to do all sorts of science experiments uh you know brenda i prefer blonde so i'm going to go after kelly for a little while oh hey there kelly's mom you also look like a train red. Yeah, that's right, I'm 21.

Yeah, I'm a young stud here just out of UCLA. Sorry, Andrea, looking a little old for my taste. I've got a film score, don't you now? All right, that's enough of this episode. It is enough. It is actually quite enough. There's nothing left.

There is nothing left. No one is listening. No, so, yeah, next week, week we're going to be actually uh join us next uh this thursday for the second episode of melrose place uh which we're super excited about thank you all for listening in here we don't really do wrap-ups or anything right we just kind of fucking we just you know what steve we just had a little fun here today that's all we did uh yeah quickly that this episode in particular it was just like for some reason i guess because of all the craziness in the world it was washing over me like a nice

warm bath it is it's a very it's very quaint and simple it's comforted Exactly. And if you're debating about watching it along, I highly recommend it, and I've never seen these shows before this. So there you have it. That's an Eric Siska recommendation. I'm going to get everyone fall in love with this show. Over my dead body. And then eventually me. Chris, you hate it? I mean, I'm not enjoying myself, no. Come on. God damn it, Kevin. The episode's about to end, Chris. You could go back to watching Zoo. Yes. 51, baby. Yeah, you know what, if Jenny Garth was fucked by a horse in one of these episodes, give a shit, Kevin?

Oh, man. It's that in, like, what, episode eight from, uh, Twin Peaks? Things sure do move fast here at West Beverly High. Kelly was fucked by a horse. She pretended to be a horse, and the horse was very upset, and it's like, did you have fun? Did you have fun pretending to be a horse, huh? Maybe you should check her ID. I know, I'm going to sue your parents.

Look, I know. I know that Ian Zering has a weird face, but that's awfully, you know, not nice of you to say. Lord, Chris. James at Cows is like, uh, honey, we're getting sued by a horse. Is this why you didn't finish your hay? Now that nobody's listening, tomorrow on the show, we're finishing listener Quentin On Strong with The Commuter, uh, which is going to be super excited to Liam Neeson joint. Uh, on Thursday, we're coming back with, uh, Melrose Place episode two. We're trying to keep you guys company as much as we can because we're as bored as you are. Thank you for listening. Remain

indoors. I have been Steven Sadek. Andrew, Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.