We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #4 - Melrose Place "Friends & Lovers"

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

On the Melrose Place half of this week's MELR0210 episodes, the gang is chatting about MP's second episode, "Friends & Lovers," which originally aired on July 15th, 1992. Here, we marvel as Billy gets a job driving a cab and meets a potential serial killer; we bite our nails with anticipation over whether or not Allison ever gets to the "Paint Store;" and we look on in sheer terror as Michael whiffs on one of the biggest soft ball questions in relationship history! PLUS: Dr. Ruth pops up to preach safe sex between demons and sand worms in the Beetlejuice universe! MELR0210 is a new show the gang put together to help you pass the time during this necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. to Melro 210 put on your sunscreen and remain indoors everybody because this is our quarantine side show that we're doing to keep you sane and more importantly us sane while we enter week 45 of this quarantine failure failure you know I don't know if Melrose play slash 902100 podcast is a way to keep sane necessarily but you know what dude have you ever been insanely horny? because that's what this is doing. So I am joined,

my name is Stephen Sadek. I am joined with the whole gang, Andrew Jupin, Chris Cabin, and Eric Siska. We are talking about, this is Thursday, so we're talking about Melrose Place. This is episode two,

Friends and Lovers, erotic. And it aired in July 15th and 1992, which does, I didn't do my math, my homework last time. So this show did premiere while during Beverly Hills 902

would always do the summer like a little summer season of like the kids fucking in the summer and you would get new

episodes like in the middle of the summer yes this is July dude because that's why I think

Jake was around and it's obviously tying into that and the beach club is involved clearly right well I think

it's like what Steve Sanders makes some offhanded remark about the beach club exactly you gotta talk

about that fucking beach club so I like the original name of this episode, your fucking friends. Everybody's fucking. Everybody's fucking. Yeah, so this episode also starts like the last one because it's poorly written with everyone waking up. Dude, it is just a bit too much, I have to say.

Well, that's the thing is without the high school kind of structure of this show, of like what to do with characters, it's pretty clear if early on they don't know what to do with anybody. absolutely but you know what you can like try doing in your second episode is maybe have them start at a lunch break yeah like this starts with alison just bitching about like oh my coffee's too strong billy like fuck you make your own then i guess i guess they're trying to leave like when are people going to congregate at their home well in the morning before they leave for the day i guess is the idea but the way this is all set up it feels like a college quad and it's like this should be a college show it does it should be a college show and it is very college and I would move the fuck out because again like I can't be dealing with neighbors and I don't want people popping in and just kind of congregating outside of my home get out of here yeah right outside the front door is a big problem and I'll say it's

interesting because similarly in the sitcom world you had things like Seinfeld and friends where people were popping in during the week like before breakfast like before they would go to work like you remember there'd be those episodes of Seinfeld where they're like talking and then it's like, well, I got to go to work. And I'm like, what fucking time is it? Or, like, everybody was always going over to Monica and Rachel's apartment for breakfast. And I'm like, what time are you assholes getting up in the morning? Exactly.

Well, better wake up at 5 a.m. So, I could just casually have a large bowl of cereal at Monica's house. You just pop it in at 6 in the morning or something? Yeah, it's so weird. I mean, at least here. Shit. Sorry, I spilled shelter. Oh, yeah, you did.

Yeah, you did. You can see. Can you hear anything? No. I could hear whatever fell. Okay. Sure. It's crazy how similar this is to the real-life experience of doing this podcast.

Yeah. Right down to the spills and thrills. Holy shit. Yeah, dude, that fucking electric guitar is farting up a storm. Imagine we just heard Steve get electrocuted to death. So was it all on your pants? No, just right on the computers where you want it. It's not like I'm using my computer for anything these days.

Very expendable item. Okay, so we were talking about. All this is bullshit. And I don't want to see anybody but my wife before fucking like 8 a.m. Oh, my God. I don't even want to see my cats before 8 o'clock of the world. Guys, remember, Chris, we're old olden men at this point. And if you're young, sexy, how old are they supposed to be?

I don't know. Well, that's the big question that's going to keep coming up, especially in fucking jailbird, Jake's fucking whatever. Well, somewhere between 23 and 38. Yeah, there are. There are varying ages. But like, I will say this, Jake has a good reason to be getting out and getting angry in the squad. And Mike essentially abdicating his responsibilities.

This is an excuse just to have the shirt shirtless wet Jake. That's all this is. It's just a wet argument. I really appreciate it. I do appreciate that. And I hope they do more of it as the show continues. There are, dude, listen, I will tell you right now, there are seven seasons worth of wet arguing for this show. okay it is not the last you've seen so this moment is Jake comes out of his place in just a towel and he's furious that um apparently the plumbing in the place if anyone flushes the toilet in the entire complex it it'll like burn you in the shower type of thing and he freaks out and Michael is like what do you want for me I'm also a doctor and I'm like yeah dude don't be both don't be a landlord and a fucking doctor exactly this arrangement is unnatural Michael and we need like

We need whatever the side thing is where Michael's like, all right, I'm going to admit to you right now, Mr. Jay is my uncle. And I'm indebted to him for whatever reason and I have to fucking do this whole thing. Because otherwise, dude, give up the ghost. Let fucking Jake be the super. I'm going to be honest with you. Mr. Jay is also me. It's my third job. I have third job. I'm a doctor. I manage this complex and I own this complex. I do not understand it like again Michael I want to see their books I want to see what is going into this house

and what's coming out because I think you don't need to be a super I'm almost positive I'm pretty sure Jane can still work at the boutique and your fucking doctor's salary is more than enough Jake is unemployed fucking give him the job of the goddamn handyman

I think they try to highlight this in some way here when when the doctor I don't know these character names are is talking with his lady friend there. Michael and Jane. So Michael's talking to Jane and Michael's saying how like, oh, you know, everyone's like bored at the hospital

and like some of the younger doctors are praying for a catastrophe. Very interesting thing to hear right now. Yeah. Dude, I will be honest, that line fucking chilled my bones. I was like, oh, you're bored, huh? How about all the patients in the world?

Exactly. There is a fucking great line though. Michael's being a piece of shit. And Jake goes, you got a bad attitude, man. The delivery from Grant Show was quite fantastic. I love you. You've got a bad attitude, man. So he's like, yeah, Jake, I'll fucking fix it tomorrow after I do two heart surgeries,

do my video store shift, and then come back and wait tables for a little while. Whoops. Oh, I also have to talk to my wife and reminisce about the exact moment we fell in love. because that's our story art. I have to blow this. This dude blows it so bad because, you know, Jane is being, you know, it's the morning. She's being really nice. She's like, you know, I remember when we first fell in love and, you know, I broke one of my heels and you had a foot fetish and you grabbed the other one and put it in your mouth.

You huffed it hard. You picked up that shoe. You jammed your nose right into it. Well, no, the thing is there were a party, a wild party, it seems. She broke her heel and he's like, oh. I could fix that for you. It breaks the other heel. And she's like, oh, that's a cute line.

And then I fell in love with you right away. When did you fall in love with me? And he's like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, radio silence. Come on, man. It's like, dude, it's like you're on fucking family feud, man. You just need to say anything because the timer is running out. The restaurant. What?

What are your time? The restaurant, that's when it happened. It happened to the restaurant. Which restaurant are you? The restaurant. That's the place to happen. Exactly. I don't remember the name of the place,

but you just looked so beautiful that night, and the light just hit you right. I don't even remember the name of the place because all I can think about was you, and you're out of this conversation. Yeah, exactly. That song was playing. Oh, I don't remember which one.

But yeah, just like, come on, show me something. You know what, Allison? Or, you know what, Jane? At first I thought there was a beautiful song playing, but as it turned out, that sweet music was just the beating of your heart. Really creepy. Oh, maybe he's a doctor with the stessoscope or whatever on her.

Oh, that's true. A little cold. We do get a timeline. They met two years ago and they're already married. So I guess they used to be Amish. Is that how that works? Yes. Yeah, totally.

I don't know. At some point, she was knocked up. He was Rumspringer and he's an Amish doctor. So he like doesn't know any modern medicine. It's just like setting bones with a piece of wood. I could cobble your high heels for you. English. The thing is before he became a doctor he was a

detective and he went to an Amish place to be to find the killers and he fell in love with Jane, an Amish woman who had a boy Lucas Haas. Got it, got it, got and he stayed there. She went away. This is all much more interesting by the way because fucking Jane doesn't even make it

to the boutique in this episode. She does not. She just kind of pouts and is upset. I mean, and again, like, she's an incredibly good looking woman. Always wants to have sex with this dude. And this is just too tired from all of his jobs that is that is him through and through until he becomes an evil psycho i think in season two yeah well i would i was going to say though just like i said last time get used to jane fucking sulking because that's the character yeah that's all she does

and then we have over in i guess alison and billy's apartment uh there's she's still freaking out about the situation with hal uh from the pilot she's worried that hal is going to fire her over the sexual harassment situation. Which they diffuse that really quickly. I don't know if it's coming back or not, but it was just sort of like, why you would bring it up again if it's just going to be so easily diffused? Well, yeah, we can just go through there.

I feel like the way to do this, by the way, guys, is just the threads all at once. Yeah, that's the way to make it work. And that's, and the funny thing is that's pretty much Michael and Jane's fucking line. And then he thinks of something at the end of the episode to tell her. And then they fuck no he's like oh you know i just you know i don't remember the first time i fell in love with you i just remember loving you every day each day is so important every day blah blah blah

and it takes him three and a half days to come up with this answer that's the best he could do 72 hours he had like go on wiki how on how to be married and like figure this shit out it's got pictures illustrating each moment this is you saying the night nice thing and it's got like a little drawing of a cartoon face talking he's calling his brother and he's like mom do you remember last that that christmas last christmas when i brought janeba did i do anything nice with her anything like i could use anything here buddy ever since i was hit the head with kicked in the head by that horse i don't have my memory is not so great oh back in amish country of course it all stands uh so yeah the thing with alison and hal is

diffused immediately and i don't believe they go back to it because she fucking goes in she's like hey hal uh i'm gonna i'm willing to do whatever it takes to fucking call you out on this i don't care if i get fired i'm going ahead blah blah blah blah blah and he's like yeah okay fine and then some woman comes out and she's like oh do you hear the good news hal's getting sued for sexual harassment by some other girl he's going down i don't think they told the guy who played how that this was happening yeah he's like oh man season villain here i come yeah because see he's acting like oh go ahead go ahead and try to try to fucking sue me for sexual harassment we'll see how that goes and then a minute later oh he's getting fired i mean it must have been a thing where they were just like

you know what we wrote this into the pilot and you know now that we're we're picked up for a season here you know there's nothing sexy about sexual harassment and we want this to be a sexy show yeah that's so let's just quickly course correct and get hal out of here i'm looking them up now, Sherman Howard, to see if he comes back. Oh. Yeah, doing some math here, dude. Does he do a Columbia necktine? No, it's it. It's two

episodes and goodbye hal. I think this is probably, like, obviously the pilot was the pilot, so like a lot of things change no matter what. So I think the similarly with Billy, Billy is like in that first episode, I'm going to be a dance instructor. Well, I do my writing. But then they were

like, oh, actually that sucks. We need to give him something else to do. this is really bizarre that he just suddenly becomes a taxi driver out of nowhere and he is now i've never seen the show so does he get like a series of new jobs all the time like a homer simpson type of thing i think he eventually becomes an actual writer of sorts or he doesn't he work he works an advertising agency that's right yeah he because it's um i believe it's the one that alison works for that hether locklear eventually that's exactly they all work in one big office yeah all i know is that in the next episode he takes sybil shepherd out to this really bad

date. Plenty, plenty of people bring people to these movies. No, it's fine. That fucking Swedish marriage sex porno thing that he brings her to. It's amazing. Go see taxi driver kids. It's a great movie. It's out now.

It's streaming. It is certainly out now. So yeah, it's like he gets this job as a cab driver. Also, like, kind of fast. Like, I feel like with cab drivers like that, it takes a little while. he's like yeah i'm my own boss i do this and that and then immediately over the radio it's like hey

rieger you got to get that cab down to such and such you got and i'm like you're not your own it's the same morning it's like oh man that coffee uh was too was too strong i i wonder what job i can have better fucking become a cab driver and have my cab the same morning i'm a cab driver it's sexy cab where we only have sexy fucking fairs absolutely and he makes a deal with alison before they leave for you know to start the day or whatever uh she says she wants to paint the apartment and he's like all right well you know well uh oh no this is he goes to alison's work yes because after this woman is like oh hal got is going to you know go down for this or whatever by the way your cab is here and she's like what watch what and there's billy like outside and

you know he shows her the cab and whatever and he gets a call to go pick somebody up and she's like, all right, well, I'm going to paint the apartment, you know, because he's like, oh, we should celebrate my job. And so she's going to get the pain. He says, I'll bring the beer. I'm just going to interrupt you at work, by the way. Yeah, seriously. You know, we're, we are roommates.

I could barely get enough of you at home. I am really okay. It's Billy, right? Yeah. Okay. So he goes, you know, Danny DeVito radios him that he's got to go pick somebody up. And he goes and winds up find out. being Jensen Daggett is the actress's name.

She was the lead. In Friday the 13th, Jason takes Manhattan. She was the lead. She's such a 90s-esque actress. I think it's the curly hair that does it. You know what I mean? Like a real... She was in...

I'm looking at this. She was in a couple episodes of The Single Guy, if you could believe it. Oh, that totally checks out. And when you see somebody that's like really similarly the same age and range as one of the lead characters in the second episode of a show, you know they auditioned for any of the lead characters

and just didn't get it. I think what we have here is a clear-cut case of Jensen Daggett guest starring on episode 2 of Melrose Place. Having many of her scenes alongside Allison, the character she definitely auditioned for.

Yes, absolutely. Look, she's just not as charming as Olivia Diabo, okay? Yeah. So they hit it off like eerily, you know, he's driving her and just talking about, like, L.A. and how great it is to live in L.A. or whatever. And then it's like, dude, this creepiest thing where she's like, you look like Bruce Springsteen. And he's like, oh, the boss, really? You think I look like

the boss? Oh, my goodness. And she's, and, you know, he's like, oh, I just saw the boss at the Cal Thielm a couple of years ago. Tant of all the northly, though. Can't have a no free down. long thing with me the impression is like dead on it's it might be the meanest impression on this show but this guy sucks anyway oh by the way i just remember there's a hidden joke in in between all the taxi stuff is his car is 54 oh yeah that's for your dad dude yeah exactly uh yeah your dad who's stuck watching this because of your mom andrew can i ask you uh do you remember if elizabeth shoe ever shows up in this show i don't That's a great question.

I don't know. Not that I saw. I can't be certain. Yeah, her and Billy date. Oh, no. Have a sex with my sister. Oh, great. Allathan, I can't date you.

I'm dating my sister currently. We're doing a pilot for Pornhub. What a mess I found myself in. Having sex with my sister. Well, the weird thing about him and her, specifically him v. Elizabeth Schuer, aside from her being much better at acting, is she doesn't have this like trash East Coast accent

that he clearly has that he's trying his best he'll say like the boss or like yeah just a lot of that stuff he just didn't wasn't and I have a trash New York accent as well I mean yes

I also do but I think it's a thing maybe she just does a better job at covering it up yes and she's she never appeared on Melrose's place don't but you remember her in Back to Future saying

I got to see my wedding So they hit it off immediately. She's going to the valley. He's like, we'll just fight. And he's like doing this thing, which is something that creeps me out, which I hate about cabs. Anyways, like, I can find it. And I'm like, no, dude, we're not finding it together. Either you know where the address is or I'm getting in another cab. Dude, it's awful. And like, you know, back in 1992, like, I can kind of understand it. Even though, like, you should know your way around. the city if you're given cross streets but like in 2020 and this has happened like in this year i've gotten into a cab before the world dried up and you know i get in and it's like take me to so and so and it's like oh sure how do i get there again and i'm like dude i immediately want to fucking get out of the car yep absolutely i don't have time for it no oh yeah no no no no i know yeah lincoln center it's in cleveland right so alison comes home she's got all this paint she's excited to hang out with Billy, but uh-oh, Billy has brought a girl, this girl home,

and this is kind of, this is like the main story of the, this would be the A story, I guess, because it gets a lot of attention. A big time, it's almost like unbalanced. I mean, you know, and you wind up getting this now that everyone's sort of quote unquote introduced, but like there are the, you know, there are some characters who don't have any time at all, like, you know, poor Rhonda has almost nothing, uh, this episode, uh, for example. Uh, for example but this i feel like is the heavy hitter storyline of the episode and i don't even understand it really allison's really bent out of shape by uh billy having a girl over and it's like you knew this from the start that that's it that he would that he would bring girls over well i think you're

supposed to start to suspect she may be uh getting feelings for billy is the idea but but if you're going to do that it has that has to be the end of the episode you can't still have the fucking you know, wool over your eyes at the end of the episode of like, oh no, no, she's still saying, yeah, she's not into him. Not really. No, no, no. Well, you got to drag this shit out, dude. You got 26 episodes to fill or whatever. Yeah, totally, dude. This is a fucking nighttime

soap opera, my friends. We drag things out till they are almost dead already. Well, I mean, and also, Billy's like, it's kind of a tug of war between who's in the wrong here, because in some ways like, it's totally fine for Billy to bring a girl home, but you kind

got to go in your bedroom. You know what i mean like that's kind of that's what you got to do but also alison's like freaking the fuck out even though this woman even exists which is creepy he's in his bedroom for most of it to be fair yeah that's fair and she's just like creepily putting a glass up against the fucking door dude yeah she gets caught right there and like he's so dumb he doesn't even realize like what's going on because she's like she's right fucking there and like listening to them looking for door water oh the door water I want to ran out, Alathan, you can't get anymore.

But that's, I mean, it's pretty much what happens because he opens the door. And he's like, oh, Alathan, what are you doing here? And then she goes, oh, I was just going to the bathroom. And he's like, oh, okay, very good. Carry on. It's just like, dude, clearly she was listening to you mess around with this chick, man.

Come on. And they don't, like, and she's like, oh, did you, do you need, Are you going to use a condom? And he's like, well, I thought I always use a condom. And it's like, this is not the conversation right now, by the way. Absolutely not. I lived with Eric and Chris and never once did we ever talk about safe sex. It's nobody's business.

It's like, dude, you want to fucking, you want to fucking roll the dice, enjoy it. Oh, my God, Steve's in there with a lane. Or is he using a condom or what? I better put a glass up to the door. I better put a glass up to the door to see if I could hear a condom being unwrapped. Oh, hey, Eric, how's it going? What are you listening to? Doorwater. Oh, Steve. I was just going to the bathroom, uh, to shower. Very good.

Then the next morning, I will say, what's her, the, the girlfriend here. Marcy. Marcy, oversteps her bounds, which is like, hey, can I borrow your deodorant, Allison? And I'm like, get the flying fuck out of here. That is fucked up. Dude, it's like, oh, absolutely you can. Marcy. It is, you know where I left it right out by the pool? And she goes out to get it, and you fucking lock that door. And a giant net falls on her.

I just wanted a shot of Allison taking the deodorant, like Vigo Mortensen with the glasses in Green Book, and putting it in the trash. But, no, I mean, like, your options when you crash, when you crash at someone's place or asleep with somebody, the deodorant options the next morning are whomever you're sleeping with, period. Or you're not having deodorant that day.

Just go home. Yes. You live in a driving city. No one's going to smell you on public transit. Or your new boyfriend's a cab driver. How about get a ride? There you go. I got to take it to the deodorant store now.

They're going crazy. Oh, we're taking the cab to deodorant's all rough, I guess. It's too much commitment for Billy. well again like again me being in alison's corner for most of this episode like she comes home uh with these fucking cans of paint and here's this woman uh she's like lit all these candles and there's music on and she's like oh hey alison what are you doing here and she's like well i do live here and she's like oh well yeah sorry billy went out to the grocery store we're going to have dinner or whatever And then, like, the second he comes home, she's like, hey, how about some fucking instead?

And, like, he leaves the bag of groceries right in the doorway while they go to have sex. Well, I get where Allison's coming from, but she knew what she was getting into with this guy. That first episode, he was a nightmare. Exactly. The whole peanut butter conversation was a big problem, and it was a red fucking flag. Gigantic red flag. He screams mimbo. You have to know this is a danger. Every week, it's going to be somebody. else he's going to fall in love with her and then break their heart

and then people are going to be fucking people are going to be like breaking into your house and stuff you know it's going to go that way I also love um the Allison will she won't she go to the paint store because they a lot of ink has spilled this episode

on her going to the paint store and I'm like fucking show it I want to see her at a paint store oh yeah I want to paint these white walls a little wider I better go to the paint store and when you see them painting at the end of the episode

she's just kind of picked this like custard yellow yes it's not a life changer no she does have an awkward crossover with the Jane and Michael storyline though because she's like furious about all the fucking and she goes over

to their apartment to be like yeah boy Billy and his new girlfriend it's getting pretty serious I guess wow this is annoying by the way can I sleep here yeah the answer is no i mean well actually michael's like thank god a fucking a third person to distract from my horror of being a husband like yeah yeah let's watch a movie let's hang out but she's only making it worse though because she's like oh boy jane i wish i had everything as great as you and michael do yeah that's a good point jane's like girl if i had fucking 10 minutes alone with you right

now you would hear some shit about i ask this dumbass the easiest question in the world and fucking beefed on it. I mean, I also need to see, like, for the hell that Allison is saying she's going through, I need to see, like, the room shaking. I need to hear long, yes. I need to hear

Billy trying to sing along to Chadee. I need stuff like that. Call me the boss. Oh, interesting. My homework's a little late today. Is there anything we could do to figure it out? And she's like, oh, God.

kill me, kill me, kill me. Oh, Billy also has that weird fucking fantasy. Well, they go to, it's like things are going okay with him and her. She's coming on a little strong and he's okay with it. But then there's your classic

Miller's place, a pool barbecue thing, and Billy's working the grill. And Marcy is going up to everyone telling them exactly how he fucks, by the way. This is really uncomfortable. And you can see all the people, like, you know, all the other tenants being like, well, I didn't want to know this, but now that I do, it's information worth storing away. So, Marcy, what do you do? Well, Billy ate my ass last night. Okay. Thank you. That's great. News.

But you've got like, you've got like Rhonda and Sandy like, oh my God. And Billy is hearing all of it. And this is when he does a fantasy where it's Marcy on the Dr. Ruth show. wow this is this is like straight up sitcom shit it's so out of place in this episode these these shows shouldn't do this it looks like the setting from a talk show in the beetle juice world yes it does dearly beloved i am dr ruth and today's show is being hosted straight from hell she dr ruth definitely fucked around that with that little priest dude that's for sure. Oh, totally. They're definitely the same height. She died, right? She's alive, dude. I checked

today. Oh, really? She's 91 or something. Not in hell yet. Today we talk about the sex life of sandworms. Are they getting enough of it? Discuss. All right. If you want to have sex, what you need to do is draw a

door on your wall, open the door, and have sex with whoever comes through. If it's a sand it's a sand firm if it's a football team valetive football team the handbook for the recently laid and i cannot stress this enough okay when you look in yourself in the mirror you are getting ready to have sex you say to yourself three times wrap it up wrap it up wrap it up oh then a condom demon appears and has fun antics those are the sandworms dude they're the same shape hey babe it's me the trojan

There you go. Hey, Billy, you're going to wrap it up? I mean, we got some magnums, but they're not going to fit over some sandworms. I'm going to tell you what. I would do it at Beetlejuice, too, or is that? I mean, like, the world is, the world has stopped in general. But I think Beetlejuice 2 might fall through the cracks. But it sounded like it was going to happen.

I don't, I think we're going to all be living in the Beetlejuice world at the end of this. I thought I just saw sandworm going outside right now, actually. That's actually how it feels when you go out. for a walk. It's like you walk out and it's a bunch of sand and you come back and it's night somehow. Like what the fuck happened? I think my house is yeah, it's that disembodied door

floating about 10 feet in the air. I went grocery shopping and my wife said I was gone for two days. I am experiencing missing time. I will tell you that much. So yeah, I mean that's he has a fantasy about like her just like kind of ruining everything and Dr. Ruth. It's totally

useless. It doesn't, it's not funny, fun, or move the plot forward but it's like I guess they're just like we can get they're looking for any guest star to get this episode going like I don't know Dr. Ruth. All right we got the list of potential guest stars here for the second episode of a

television show nobody knows anything about Mr. T Dr. Ruth that's another good one maybe we've got Dick Butkiss sure any kind of football kind of situation you Melrose kids

might find yourselves in. John Madden said no already. We got Dr. Ruth's non-union equivalent, Sally Esquire. So, I mean, like, obviously things are going way too fast from. She says, I love you at some point. And he's like, yeah, this is got to stop. It's too early, right? I mean, that's another part of this episode is she's being like too clingy because they just met basically.

Like, yeah, I mean, it's one. thing like hey he's not trying to and that's the thing is billy's not trying to hit it and quit it he's like he wants to date her but like it's going a little nuts oh here i think i mean when they have the confrontation he's finally like all right hey we got to slow up i got to talk to you about stuff of course right out here in the public area of melrose place well that's only because j he goes to jake what am i supposed to do here and he's like i don't know billy maybe tell her what you think about things he's like that's fucking crazy you know i came to shooters to try to get them advice from you and this is what i get stuck with tell the truth thanks a lot jake this shows how

deranged billy is because he orders a beer there and he buys one for jake and he has like two sips of his and he just leaves it's it's crazy especially like i a like being stuck in my house and missing bars very much i'm like fucking enjoy it and jake's like hey am i breaking or you is like nah jake i think i better take care of that right now i'm like no fucking have a have a game with Jake dude that's all I want totally shoot some pool have a beer he was splitting the beer with Peter Boyle buddy up sometimes yeah you know what I hate about these oh no edited for television Peter Boyle is edited out of this episode absolutely so whatever yeah they have their conversation by the pool he's like that's going too fast she does this thing was like oh

I always do this. I'm like, are you in, do you need help, Miss? Yeah, maybe she'll come back. I mean, I check she doesn't come back, but she could theoretically come back in like later Melrose's place

and like, you know, burn the building down or something. That would be nice. I'd like that. So that's kind of it. I mean, like Allison and Billy kind of make up

and they're like, oh, I guess, you know, we're just going to have to deal with us, you know, being with each other or whatever. Let's paint our fucking apartment, I guess,

a little bit whiter. Well, and they also, I mean, they push the needle even further toward them getting together because, you know, they're both like, you know, when we have problems, we should be able to come and talk to each other about these problems.

And they're like, as friends, yes, definitely as friends. And I'm like, all right, better luck next week fucking each other's brains out. Hey, Altha, when you were looking at all the door, do anything for you? Did you hear what I can do? Did you listen to or talk about all the stuff I do in the bedroom?

Yeah, if you didn't get a chance to talk to her at the barbecue, maybe ask Rhonda or Sandy about some of the details. That's pretty steamy, man. So that's like that's their thing. Then we finally have the Jake storyline, which I guess is the B plot, sort of, which is Jake kind of just floundering things. through life, I guess. I love this storyline.

It is so insane. And it's also the side note of this storyline is the government. It just doesn't work. It just doesn't work. The whole thing, Jake has to go to the unemployment office to fill out a form to pick up a check. He's too dumb to fill it out right. Thank you.

Yeah, exactly. Like, OK, he fills out a form. He brings it up to the guy. He had been waiting for a while. And the guy's like, well, you're supposed to fill out the back too, you fucking idiot. Why don't you go sit down? learn how to write and then take it back to Windows C and he's just so mad about it that

eventually once he gets back to this dude's window he sees there's a problem with this one other woman who's there trying to collect a check so he decides I'm going to get this guy I'm going to assault this government worker right now whoa whoa whoa buddy since when does paper have a back you tell me who am I supposed to know that I've I've I've I've been unemployment a couple times in my life. It was always online, so I never had to go to the unemployment office. And, you know, I understand Jake's frustration here a little bit, but my allegiance to failing bureaucratic agencies is trumped by my hatred for mimboes and leather jackets

who can't fucking read. You know what I mean? It says the two sides. And then, like, yeah, when he's arguing with this unemployment guy who looks at the dude from Rocky Horror Picture Show, by the way. oh my god yes he definitely does they cast this guy to be like look at how disgusting people are

that work for the government exactly and he's like Richard O'Brien yes that's what I'm thinking of and it's like oh you know this woman can't get her check which sucks but it's because she changed addresses it's going to take two weeks but the check's right there man

and it's like well no it's not that's not how this works well maybe it'll work if I just grab it from you that's the thing though is like the check is sitting right there and that's what he takes off the guy's desk and he like gives it to the woman and then the guy comes out

and is like hey something something red tape and he like that's what he gets in the fight with the dude and he gets arrested and I mean like this would be this isn't a misdemeanor they say later when Kelly by the way everybody's Beverly Hills 902 no obligations I think ended this episode

because or maybe not actually no I double a double a double I double checked it. This is it. Okay. It's like, oh, yeah, we're, um, everybody has to be back at this episode. And, like, Kelly shows up. And Kelly has to bail him out when he gets arrested. I'm like, well, Missy, he was disturbing the peace at the unemployment. No, no, no, no. He assaulted an, you know, a government agent. He's going away for a little while.

And there's a mention of priors. And she's like, what's that? And they're like, well, that's a prior arrests. And it's just like, oh, okay, I'm just going to let this high school girlfriend of his. I mean, just add another charge. Exactly. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. My bad boy is a bad boy? No. That's true.

That's true. It's just kind of funny because there's, like, she's talking to this, um, officer at the jail about the bail situation and everything. And when she doesn't know about what priors mean or whatever, this lady's like, turns out your boyfriend has led a colorful life. Yeah. And I also, can I get your ID, ma'am? if you're trying to bail him out, by the way, like, oh, you're fucking 16, one more charge. And also, Steve, I had a question right here related to 902 and O.

Please. What is Kelly's money situation here because her credit card gets turned down for the bail? Oh, I don't know. I mean, I think that that's just sort of a thing where, like, it was max. She probably has a max limit. A thousand bucks is a lot more than it is now. She's rich. She's totally rich.

Well, I think it's also like a coded joke of women be shop. Oh, right. Yeah, she bought too much lips. That's why you can't bail out the bad boy. And he comes out and he's like, oh, thanks for bailing me out, you jerk. And like, again, he's making this scene. And much like at the end of last episode of Beverly's 902 and O, if I'm in a police station with my 16-year-old girlfriend,

I'm acting like there's a bomb in the room. And I just need to get out of here. Like, well, thank you very much. Why don't we leave very quietly? Let's look at the ground while we do that. Hello, neighbor. It's my niece Yeah, I love that when he goes back to her house later to apologize

Her house, by the way, we should talk about a little bit Because you see the exterior here And I love Kelly Taylor's house It is the perfect marriage of a spaceship and a boat That I've ever seen It's bizarre 90s architecture that I cannot get enough of. It looks pretty badass.

And he comes back like to throw money in her face basically. Well she, earlier in the episode he goes up to David and Donna have to be in this episode for no reason.

This is the dumbest thing of all time. They're like, oh, let's go some other place. Uh-oh, here comes Jake. Aaron, can I leave now? Are we good? I have movie plans later. Can I, am I done? What I assumed this was, by the way, was Donna and David are there with her

but Brian Austin Green is hilariously holding a big thing of flowers I had assumed because at the beginning of this episode Kelly goes to shooters and she tells Sandy that she was just dropping by to let Jake know that her mother had her baby that's right so I assumed it was a thing where

the 9-0-2-0 gang was just heading to the hospital to see the baby yeah you gotta see the baby Yeah, and David is just stuck holding these flowers while Steve Sanders goes to a fucking sexy barbecue. And then like Jake, in the scummiest move of all time is like, hey, I never asked you to bail me out for $1,000. Here's $200, I'll get you the rest later, but stay out of my business. And I'm like, dude, you can only pull that move if you can pay them back in full. Exactly, because you have no high horse here, sir.

No, and you can't be using, like, telloff language. he hands her an envelope and it's just full of like different little i.O.Us. I mean, what he should be doing is telling her off and then not paying her back. I mean, she needs to learn a lesson here. Something tells me she's not seeing the rest of that. No. I was going to say, you know, the outside of the Kelly's house is very nice, but you know it was also nice to see is the outside of what was the first Johnny Rockets. Dude, yeah, what is that? There is a couple of.

great fucking L.A. exterior here. The first one, though, I was like, man, all these neon lights, boy, I'm as being outside. I'm thinking about, like, the great fucking montages and, like, once upon a time in Hollywood or something. And then I realized I was like, oh, wait, that first one's just a Johnny Rockets. Okay.

When I'm, when I get out of here, I'm going to go listen to those guys sing about being happy and making burgers again. Man, I fucking hated that restaurant. Never been. You're not missing a thing. not good uh so whatever like yeah um they kind of go it's more will they won't they and he's like

you're too old for i'm too old for you and even in the the billy scene he's like well well billy i'm just not good at taking my own advice i guess i'm just a weird drifter and like just i don't know will i fuck this 16 year old girl will i not i don't know i can't make that decision man yeah will i fuck a 16 year old will i kill the president i don't know i don't know what goes on day to day Hey, Billy, let me ask you something, neighbor to neighbor. You think I could ever take a life? Follow-up question, if you think I could. Do you think I already have?

I mean, this guy can't even go to the fucking unemployment office without getting arrested. Like, this guy is the canyon a good spot to, like, dump them bodies or what? Ready to the mailbag? What if I brought Donna and Kelly and killed them both? it's me jake a cool sexy dude like yeah you're good he's like ted bundy good looking i don't trust this guy at all like this loner horse shit he's definitely a murderer of some kind

now i still have never seen luke perry in 902 and oh is he also a type of drifter murderer no he's a little a poor little what you'll call a poor little rich boy uh which i think is actually the exact episode a little tease for monday's episode it's pretty much poor little rich boy the episode. I'm excited. I'm very excited. Uh, yeah. And I mean like, you know, Sandy like offers him something. Like, they're trying to do something with them. Like, they can't figure out what to do with Sandy at all because she eventually doesn't matter. But it's like, I don't know, maybe she will or won't with Jake because they used to go out or whatever. And again, like, how old are any of

these people? Because it's, it seems like quote unquote ancient history. Are we talking three months ago, 10 years? I think you're supposed to assume like, man, you know, life in L.A. just goes so fast man that like yeah they're long and storied relationship started like two months ago oh dude what if what if jake has been living at melrose place since 1981 he got there during the coke boom he rode that shit out i'm the only one of you assholes who has met mr jay in person okay you know to build the place you know you used to be able to take a hot shower and not have so when somebody flushed the toilet it just kept on being on shower. Oh, Mike, you're getting pizza from Enzo's, man. I remember when that was $6 a pie.

Anyway, I'll talk to you guys later. I'm going to date a 16-year-old girl. There's a photo of Jake at the Melrose Place Ball from 1922. Oh, he's just totally like, he's like in a sort of, he's like hooking up, like kind of on and off with the lady in the bathtub kind of sort of. That's why he complains about the plumbing to Michael. because there's the old lady keeps coming out of the faucet. Yeah, look, she looks like rotten meat now, but she used to be a dime, I'm telling you.

Why, of course, Mr. Hansen. You've always been here. Yeah, it's a nightmare. So, I mean, that's kind of, like, he goes to her house at the end, and it's like, you know, I'm just, I just want to be a good friend to you. Could we be good friends? I'm like, yeah, we can, Jake.

And she, like, does this thing, it's like, I guess I was in the, wrong, too? No, you weren't. You're A, you're 16 and B, you bailed him out of jail. And then he's like, well, let's be friends and just, you know, ride out to the beach together. Like, wrong! Dude, this is the fucking serial killer

line of a lifetime because he is like, he's like, hey, 16 year old girl, would you like to ride on my motorcycle out to the beach right now? And by the beach, I mean, the beach that's connected to the fucking Pacific Ocean. And oh, by the way, just a sweet cherry on top.

It's a full moon out tonight. A lot of monsters might be out. It's fucked up. And then there's also a little capper with Michael's the doctor, right? Yes, he is. Him and Jake, like, trying to fix the plumbing together, and they sort of, like, you know, like they apologize to each other. But then he's trying to use...

Now, first of all, this doctor shouldn't be fucking with the plumbing anyway, but he's trying to cut a pipe with a saw. And Jake says, you can't cut that with that. You need a sharper saw. I got one in my unit I use for cutting bones. I'll bring it out. Yeah, it looks like you're going to need a saw that goes right through a spinal column. No problem, Jake.

By the way, that's not your real name. Oh, absolutely not. You know, killing kids is easier because the bones aren't as hard yet, you know? Snap like twigs they do. Oh, anyway, I'll help you fix the plumbing that I complained about. it just hit all these rotting corpses and jakes because we never see the inside of jake's room by the way we don't know what's going on in there he does not have a roommate in yet lamb shates made on his skin alison goes in one day to like borrow some sugar there's fucking chicken feathers all over the floor hey sorry man i don't i don't need a roommate because

i pay 75 bucks a month i've got the old 82 rate mr j and i go way back it's just full of mannequins. Fucking mannequins everywhere. Oh, you might be wondering where Mr. Jay is. Well, he's in here. He's my living room chair. It's just a skeleton couch. I love it.

I would love to see that. It would be great to really just go all the way. You're making this guy bad enough. That's a real bad, you know, bad boys. Ted Bundy was the baddest of the boys. It's true. He should have been the third with Will Smith and Martin. with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence.

Someone Photoshop that, please. Bad boys for the end of your life. So that's kind of, yeah, I mean, and like, you know, he rides off with Kelly. And I mean, like, they're going to remain quote unquote friends, but I don't have any 16-year-old friends. And nor should I, because I'm an adult man. And that's how that shit goes. Dude, Steve, if we were hanging out one time and you were like, oh, here's my friend. And it was just like a 16-year-old kid.

I would have to pull you aside immediately and be like, dude. Dude, what is it happening? Dude, can I come down to the beach too? Oh, Eric, you were always the best with the sled. Exactly. I mean, that's kind of it. That's the end of the 902 and O sort of tie-in here.

I don't know if there's any one's going to go on later. I guess we'll find out when we do all fucking 10 seasons of this through this quarantine. I guess we'll just have to wait and see, as they say, you know. Yeah, so this is, so that's, yeah, that's where we are. This has been a week, another, yet another week of quarantine apps. You can check out, there's a ton of great stuff on our Patreon, on Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies.

We will be doing the thing this month as a Patreon exclusive episode. We were doing animation, damnation on Gumby coming up. There's going to be a gleep glossary on Quigon Gin. Now, this is another man that failed to defeat a Phantom Men. So check it out. Tons of great stuff. We've got the entirety of all. And if you're binging because you're totally quarantined,

you can check out our recaps on the Mandalorian and Picard. All recaps for both shows are up on our Patreon feed right this second. So that's going to do it. Thank you all. I have been Steven Sadek. Andrew Jupin. Eric, Cisca, Chris Cabin. Take it easy and remain indoors.

That was a hate gum podcast.