We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #5 - 90210 "The Green Room"

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

HUNK ALERT: We're kicking off this week's run of MELR0210 shows by chatting about one of the greatest moments in television history: the debut of Luke Perry's Dylan McKay in the Beverly Hills, 90210 episode, "The Green Room"! Originally airing October 11th, 1990, this episode features the aforementioned Dylan being a totally mysterious rich-boy hunk, Brandon acting like a whiny baby in Dylan's hotel suite, Brenda making her own rich-kid jeans, several alcoholic surfers, Scott getting bullied in the Technology Lab, and much more! MELR0210 is a new show the gang put together to help you pass the time during this necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hello, welcome to Melro 210 and please remain indoors. This is our quarantine side show where we talk about on Mondays, we talk about Beverly's 90210 and on Thursdays we treat ourselves to a little Melrose place, you know, we go around, we figure it out. I am here, my name is Steven Sadak, I am here with the whole gang, Andrew Jubin, Chris Cabin, Eric Siska. And finally, for the first time in show history by... Dylan!

You son of a bitch. Welcome to the show, Luke Perry. I love the introduction in this episode of Arnold Schwarzenegger as the gym teacher. All right. Climb the rope. Go ahead. Get to the very top. I am doing a fitness class for George... H.W. Bush to get, did that eat no more fat kids? Ah, yes, the presidential physical fitness test.

Long-standing enemy of everyone on the We Hat Movies podcast. I don't know, man. As a kid, I dreaded that day like no other. Oh, dude, absolutely. And I just fucked around the whole time. You should be unsurprised about that. I would, like, run the track backwards, you know. I think those were my first panic dream. the nights before those. Cabin, what were you more afraid of? The pull-ups or sit and reach?

You know what, the pull-ups? There was no help in it. It was a lost game already. Panic dreams. We call those dreams these days. Yes, that's just normal. We are talking about the Green Room, Episode 3 of Burblers 9-0-2-0.

original air date October the 11th, 1990. Behind the green room. You got some kids that are surfing and drinking booze behind the green door. Oh yes, and me Patrick Stewart noted neo-Nazi. Oh, I'm running this VFW hall where we're having all of these racist hardcore shows. All right, Steve, do you want to get your red laces? Okay, sick them puppies. All right, everyone has to go

except for Scott and Steve. Yes, and you have to be at the door first, David. Oh, man. Yeah, so this is the first proper episode of the show. You know, the pilot was like kind of a TV movie, which was, I mean, it was a pilot, but it was like a special two-hour two-hour situation this is a full-on regular degular episode of 902 and oh and some things have changed we have a brand new house for the

walsh's and this fucking theme song which doesn't last long but is hilarious dude this theme song i got a couple of thoughts about this theme song please uh one this whole like oh it's cold out in Minneapolis and we're delivering the mail to. Oh, oh, what's that? Santa says it's a forwarding address to Beverly Hills. Fucking hilarious. Well, I feel like in like whatever pitch meetings or whatever there is, like, you know,

the post-mortem of the pilot, somebody was like, I just don't get this 90210 thing. What is it? Who is 90210? Is that how much money they got? Larry, it's your own, fucking zip code. You live there. Tell me them

in Christmas terms. I guess because it's doing the contrast, snow in Minnesota, sun in California, and I guess it's just trying to like here's this, here's their fish out of waters, everyone. And they're just reestablishing that, but you don't need to do that

that many times. No. And it's so useless. And there was a thing on the Tribune trivia about it that I felt fucking horrible for the guy. The dude who played the mailman in the Minneapolis thing. I guess it was like over a hundred degrees the day they shot that. And this dude was sweating

balls in this fake fucking winter wonderland and he's wearing this huge postal coat. That poor bastard. Also the great Luke Perry right in the fucking opening credits. We did not start this guy with a and guest starring Luke Perry. He's fucking right there

but hold on a second. What's that everybody? Scott made the opening credits. That was a big surprise. And then my third and final thought on the opening credits. I love the bookend of, well, now we're in Beverly Hills. So guess what? Your mail carrier's a bubba, babe.

It is great. That old bastard died. And now it's been replaced by a sexy, sexy male carrier lady. Luke Perry, really, it's an uppercut once you see his face. Oh, my God. He's like, man, okay, here we go. Now I like this show. And his, his, like, first scene that was really.

to briefly touch on already is awesome i mean this guy comes into this show like a fucking force of nature it's like very clear that the show thought they needed him and really needed to restructure around him a little bit you know what i mean like here does he become like the guy no he's not the guy i mean like he's just the sexy wild card like he he he's never like the lead because it's always brandon and brand uh brandon brandon brandon again until everybody eventually moves out of the walsh house including Brandon and Brenda, and fucking Steve is living there running a magazine. Wait, Steve is living in the Walsh's house?

Yes, everybody, here's the thing. The latter half of this series, over the last two seasons, everybody leaves. Like, slowly but surely, it's Brenda first, then the two parents, and then Brandon eventually, and everybody just sort of slowly starts to move into the Walsh house for some reason.

That's weird. living there. Well, there were rooms for rent now with everyone leaving. Do they have a communal farm in back? What's going on here? I think that might be where it goes. I think it's like, sounds like a David Koreshian type of thing. Now, Steve, welcome to Walsh House. Steve, you have said before that on your most recent rewatch, you guys stop when who leaves the show? Luke Perry himself? When Luke Perry leaves, it's really just, I mean, like, because he's, I mean, like, obviously he's the most interesting. actor on the show by a country mile but so you but you've actually seen the other

shit though like you've watched it at least once yeah like I never I mean like once that all sort of started this ran to 2000 so what I'm in like beginning of high school it was on in the background it wasn't appointment television anymore but like and it just became like an army of dead-eyed nobodies and it just was like nah dude I'm out that's kind of how I felt I continued watching house but in the same way it just became like noise where where I once was very much engaged in that show um so yeah that we start um yet again we're we're waking up uh it's time for school brandon has a sexy sexy dream yeah dude episode three the wet dream is what this

should have been fucking called this fucking shot of him in the wave with like the two it's like from a kenneth onger film it's beautiful i i was stunned it's something by the fucking kuchar brothers cabin the fucking cornyness of this thing it's like they have this poor bastard in some sort of like plastic tunnel with water falling on him and they're like yeah you're surfing don't jason don't worry about it you're surfing right now and he's just it looks like he's in a fucking spaceship jason help her a spaceship would be awesome on this show well he should be yeah he's dreaming that he got abducted by aliens but uh oh it's just the residents of beverly hills and then he's trying to find out like then he's like no no it actually happened this is just missing time this is what

the aliens do to us and then he like writes that for his editorial and he he's woken up by a sexy babe who happens to be his fucking sister and yet again we have to start every episode with brandon showing his erection to his twin sister you're right this episode does pretty much start with like do i look good today brandon oh you look great yeah oh so good brenda speaking of looks the mullet is dead. Hold on. We're getting news out of Dallas. As of 4.35 today, Brandon's mullet is dead. His sideburns are in route to be sworn in right now. My God, it's only been 45 minutes. There's another call coming in. The mullet of Steve Sanders is also gone. Yes, absolutely. Dude, they took a fucking weed whacker to that guy's neck.

I want to see the barber film. Like Zeprooter film, barber film? No, no, no, we're not going to play taps for Sanders. No, no, that could just go. I will say also, Brenda, I don't know what the fuck they did to her bangs, man. But it is a wild ride. She looks like the lady from the Incredibles with this fucking haircut. It's terrible.

It is a very, we were talking about Beetlejuice at some point. I think actually on the Melrose Place on Thursday. this is a very like beetle juice-esque haircut yeah you're not wrong dude um this haircut this haircut attended the wedding at the end of that movie so we get to school um and scott and you know again we're it's a first episode like we're we're resetting everything a little bit not by much you know we find out a jim walsh is on vacation um he's uh he's he's away on business he's in chicago it's so cold there. I don't know if you guys know this. It's cold in the Midwest, but it's actually

very warm on the West Coast. Oh, that's interesting. That's something. Huh. She's like 12 inches of snow. My goodness, Jim. Oh, geez. I believe that's what intellectuals call a contrast. Is this starting a thing, Steve, where she's like secretly unhappy living in California? Yeah, that's kind of her arc for the first season. when she got arcs when they were like is she a character and they're like nah dude gotcha gotcha because there is i mean i don't know i hope you see the footage at some well there's not footage for what i'm about to say but there is a there's a shot

of the walsh parents in the opening credits where it looks like james that house is about to get a beach i'm just saying so i hope that the walsh just patch it up man it is something else i him being so much in that intro and i still have yet to meet the man it's crazy he's fucking getting sucked off he's playing basketball he's got the cassio keyboard going it's a fucking like Viagra commercial so wait what is the shot is he like lifting a blanket or what yeah what shot are you referring to exactly no no there's just a shot where the two of them are on the couch and he fucking like pounces on her well so she no sorry she pounces on him rather well Cindy I didn't take it out for air uh Steve I'm I'm trying to

remember here what um oh shit what basketball team does scott root for oh you know it's the los angeles lakers andrew and i'm glad you brought it up because he is dressed like a fucking alternate for the fucking cheer team it's ridiculous dude like they must have been licensing this it's just too much NBA merchandise it's the hat the thing is you could wear the hat or the shirt i think we talked about this last time we have to keep talking about it because it's scott's only feature and it's just him and he's got the shirt on like no matter what you can even if you're going to a game it's a hat only or a shirt only and that is it

you have to pick one or else you look like a total fucking asshole I'm sorry it's just the way it is the magic uh the magic Johnson sweater I thought was pretty sharp well the thing about it is just the thing about it is like you can have I would say this I would allow for a hat and a jersey situation maybe but what he's going for here is the hat and then it's like it's a it's a t-shirt where a lot of the players are kind of drawn like cartoon characters it's a character of magic johnson yeah he got

on like a fucking bad boardwalk or something but we do get a new order t-shirt in this episode which helps balance it out of it i want david's season one wardrobe like pretty bad absolutely i got to tell you like he's supposed to be like a dweeb in these first couple episodes and whatever But I want to be friends with David Silver. He's got great taste in music. You know, he seems like a goofy, like, nerd computer kid. I don't know. He's probably got a lot of Nintendo games.

But then you got Scott hanging out, dude, and, like, his main is Zangeefe, and he knows all the moves. Yeah, you're totally right. Oh, wow, another pile driver. And you know, he's just talking your fucking ear off about his imaginary nightclubs. Oh, dude. and all his fucking architecture dreams. Thank you, Chris Gavin, because Scott, not only his one feature is being a fan of the Los Angeles Lakers,

but his second feature is using his imagination for nightclubs. Holy shit, that was the fucking laugh of the episode. I got to tell you, man, like, you know, it's good that Dylan steps in here. It shows that he's a bad boy, but he's actually on the right side of the thing. He's not a jock asshole, et cetera, et cetera. We do a lot of work in this scene. but like sometimes you just got to let the fucking let let the herd get cold here dude fucking griff and mad dog fucking had it right this kid had a beating coming to him

look it's it's sad to say but sometimes the bullies are right look exactly sometimes they're right so we cut into computer class which is also robotics class okay this is this was I cabin did you have this in our middle school so we took a it was they called it technology class You guys were building robots, dude? Well, you did, like, you know, rockets and shit. But what he's doing here is, like, I remember doing this. It was like, you did a little computer program and the arm would build, like, little Lego things and, like, move shit. Oh, wow.

We totally did this, yeah. It brought me back to the seventh grade really hardcore. Oh, shit. You guys should be astronauts. Oh, I don't know about that. I just remember us playing a lot of SimCity while doing that rather than actually doing any work. Oh, shit. You guys should be, like, city planners.

Oh, yeah. The speaking of city planner, Scott is not doing what he's supposed to. He's, like, working on something he was working on last night, which is an imaginary nightclub. And Brandon's, you know, Brandon's trying to be nice. He's like, oh, wow, man, that's pretty cool. And he's like, yeah, man, I just, I've never been to a nightclub before. I always get carded. So I just made one up in my imagination.

Dude, you know what, Scott? Maybe if you look like a 12-year-old and constantly wear basketball paraphernalia, you'd fucking get into a club well if he wasn't designing this club he'd be like killing animals in the backyard yeah that's true oh sorry duck the bus the forum is that way uh but yeah these two bullies show up and a very rare bully sighting it's not a bully centric high school here at west beverly high uh and these two jocks show up and start like fucking with scott and brandon rightfully so i was like well i'm just going to let this happen which is was my high school maneuver which is nobody told you to get noticed

i'm bearing witness that's what i'm doing and then dylan finally stands up and he's like hey man why don't you it's not even like leave the kid alone like he is being super aggressive and these kids are terrified of a five foot nine and a half luke perry dude it's also though he's like i'm not having a great day in fact i'm feeling a little hostile like the way he's telling these two jacks that he's gonna kick the shit out of them is baller and he's like fucking doctor claw dude he's hiding in the shadows in this already dark computer lab oh i loved it you hear his voice before you see him excellent excellent introduction of this character they restrained themselves and didn't put in the guitar I give them credit for that because they could have done it.

Well, we got plenty of time for that later. I understand why those bullies felt threatened, because he looks like he's part of the faculty of this school. Yeah, totally. The teacher's going to get me in trouble. Yeah, it's the, I mean, like, it's the way, it's a sexy weathered face, but it's a weathered face for a high school kid. All you gotta do is look at that forehead, dude.

I have those same forehead wrinkles. I'm not playing an 18-year-old kid. You know what I mean? And he's handsome as far. handsome as fuck he was a gorgeous man hold on a second maybe you should play an 18 year old kid when we're done and we can actually see each other again we can why don't we recreate an episode oh good idea dude table reading oh table reading of 90210 well i'm the shortest so i have to be brandon sadly uh wait is brandon shorter than david silver it's close i mean eventually

when david shoots up it becomes a big problem yeah i guess we'll have to wait and see So yeah, he like kind of quickly dispatches he doesn't lay down the law and then he kind of leaves the class for some reason and Brandon's like, hey man, he kind of catches him outside and like Dylan's just kind of sitting on the steps by himself. And this was weird sort of like cross pop culture overload for my brain because I don't know if we mentioned this initially when we started this project, but the exterior of a lot of this school is the same from the Buffy TV show. and like I'm fucking confident Sarah Michelle has sat on that staircase before and so then he's there and I'm mixing up like the Buffy movie and the Buffy show in 902 and I'm like

who is sitting on these stairs right now is it Pike oh look guys Pike's back where's David Arquette where is he should be here asked no one yeah and basically

Brandon's like oh man what you did was really radical to the guys yeah that guy totally deserved it but you really cool about it's like yeah no problem he's like hey you want to get lunch I don't do lunch oh man there are some killer Dylan lines coming up I think well is he not mocking the LA culture of let's do lunch yes yeah yeah it's a little above it all you kind of feel bad for Brandon though because he's just like hey man I was just legit asking you if you wanted to go to lunch like why am I being fucked with right now he's like let's do you

field trip instead Minnesota is you calling Minnesota or Midwest or Minnesota Minnesota yeah come on Minnesota and they go to the beach which is where Brandon has been having wet dreams about and they meet these three drug addicts wait a second let's get all right no you're right let's skip they're fun addicts let's skip school go to the beach surf but not do drugs okay sure I got you. Well, Steve, here's the thing. I use drugs every day.

I don't consider myself a drug addicts. That's fair. You go through like a sleeve of Advil a day now, dude. Yeah, dude. I'm a regular Rush Limbaugh. It's these two dudes and this girl who they call Betty, but is actually named Sarah, which is kind of sad. Yeah, that's kind of sad.

You know what's not sad, though, just really quickly before we get away from it? And I don't know if it sticks around, Steve. Dylan's fucking totally baller car that he's got right here. Oh, no, this is his car for the series. Is it? It's a character choice. It's awesome.

Oh, man, this car fucking rules. I was like, hey, dad, you look like James Ball. Does he always have fucking poetry in it? That's, oh, man, the fucking pirate, dude, relax. Look how interesting I am. You know, it's like, he's like, he's not a bully, but he'll help people with a bully-like maneuver. But he's deeper than that. He has poetry in his car.

That's right. Brandon picks it up and he's like, oh, Byron. And he's like, mad, bad, and it's mad, bad, and damaged and dangerous to know, just like me. I just feel the writer, but when Dylan's not on screen, everyone should be asking, where's Dylan? But you know what, Steve, for this fucking show at this particular moment in my life right now, I'm doing that. Dylan all the fucking way, dude, all the ding-dong day.

So they go to the beach and they're like hanging out and they meet the, like, and these guys seem cool enough at first to Brandon. They're like a little bit dumb, but whatever. And like he's clearly hitting on what's on Sarah. Like they do a bunch of surfing and she's like, oh, wow, you're really good at surfing. He's like, yeah, I know. And she's like, yeah, my real name is Betty. And my real name is Sarah, but they call me Betty. He's like, well, that's not very nice.

Like, wow, you're really nice. Yeah, I'm actually pretty actively hitting on you right now. So I don't know if you notice that. I like that during the surfing shots, like all the close-ups are like hunky guys, like the Dylan and all of them. And then like the far away shots, it's like Principal Strickland guys. Like guys who are trying to get their youth back. Strings of hair coming off. Yeah.

So like they kind of like hit it off and Dylan's like, oh, we're going to hang out later. The B and C plot of this, if they're even B or C plots, one is Brenda is feeling a little bit, what do you call it? They're overwhelmed by Beverly Hills fashion. She goes to a jeans store and there's really expensive, enormous jeans. I don't know. What do you go to? A store that sells jeans, but is it exclusively like a dungarinerie?

Well, on Melrose Place, they go to a paint store. I mean, that's probably just a hard way. You know what? We didn't talk about that the last episode, but I sincerely wish they had just fucking had Allison say, Hardware Store, please. I mean, it looks to the jeanery. The jeery looks like a consignment shop, though. It looks like a junker. But that's the move, though, Cabin. It looks like shit, but it costs you a lot of money because there's like a tag on it, you know?

And the size of the jeans that Kelly is like, oh, you would look so fly in these. I'm like, holy shit. They're very large. They're Jinco-esque, is what we're saying. Oh, really? I didn't really notice, but I did notice, like, when Brenda goes to, oh, my God, make her own jeans later in the episode, that they looked like jeans that we have now. It's this cyclical fashion thing of, like, it's their jeans, but they're torn to shit

and then patched with other design and fabric underneath it. But we're never going to get back to, like, rave pants. and like rave jinkos or anything like that. I don't think that's going to... Like the parachute ones, I'm not sure if we're doing that. We might get there after society's completely crumbled and we start like coming out of the caves again and then we just all do psychedelics a lot.

I mean, you know, never say never. That's my motto. But I don't think you get on a plane with jinko jeans. You could hide so much in there, right? That's exactly my point. Bombs, babies, anything. Unless your shins are going to. to inflate to like a thousand times the size i don't see how you do that anymore it's just not

an efficient way of materials so that's sort of her plot and then steve's plot again we're kind of setting this up and like it's kind of weird that like steve and brandon aren't buds in these episodes at least for me because they're like best pals for the rest of it but like steve doesn't even say two words to brandon this whole episode maybe and his thing is David Silver is trying to be his friend and his mom later on says like, oh, did you, like via, David's like, oh man, your mom, he's a big Hartley House fan, which is Steve's mom's TV show. Hal Hartley House?

One character is always holding a grenade. Martin Donovan's in every episode. Fuck, it'll be awesome, dude. And then Steve's mom could be played by Parker Posey. better better fucking selection absolutely man give how hardly like a netflix series why not they're burning money over there you'd fucking sleigh at one of those two to be awesome speaking of burning money could we talk about steve's insane house or what are we talking about here again it's this 90s architecture it's pretty wild my thing though was you know and we've mentioned this in another shows that were kind of created around this time films created around this time also the house intercom

thing but i wanted it to be a video situation because it looks like ian zering was like looking at something while he was talking to his mother but you don't see like a you know view screen or something like that with this this woman's visage on it he was looking at a cue card all right ian fucked it up again just get the cue cards i know it's a filmed show but mother i will be down for dinner and the next five minutes. I am coming soon to see you. And we get our series, or at least the first couple of seasons, a mission statement, which is having money and being from the West Coast makes you a dog shit person because nobody has time for their kids. Steve is like talking to

his mother during intercom. He's watching her TV show to be close to her, et cetera, et cetera. This was interesting because, you know, he was telling people at school he doesn't watch. it but the truth of the matter is he does well my question about that that's a great point because i didn't think of it that way but is he or has he been watching it like you're suggesting eric or is it a thing where because david again in an earlier scene is like your mom the episode that was on last night was blah blah blah blah blah blah he's like fuck off nerd was his curiosity peaked by that interaction with david silver i think it's the former i think it's just he's like So he's so hard up to be with his mother, et cetera, et cetera.

And he doesn't want to admit to watching it to anyone probably. That's like triple sad, you guys. It's a sad world. This whole everything out there on the West Coast portrayed in these shows is just sad and awful. And yeah, so like his mom actually says over the intercoms like, oh, you know, there's a new student named David Silver. You've got to be friends with him. His father is a producer, Mel Silver, who can help me out with a big role. And he's, I guess so, Mom.

And then he's, the threat is he's kind of nice to David, but then he finds out David's dad is a dentist. And it's like, oops, a dupes, anti-Semitic slip. Yes, but it's kind of weird because I was thinking about this, like, the mom is the one who instigates this whole thing. Steve Sanders doesn't mention anything to her. Yes, it's weird. So, like, how the fuck does this lady know that there's a David Silver in his class and whatever else? And then she knows to, like, use her son as, like, a child soldier to accomplish her will. Well, that's the part that comes naturally.

I'm not questioning that about this character. I'm just saying it's weird that she knows that Steve Sanders has been associating with this David Silver kid. And how she then fucks that up of, like, this movie producer also has a son named David. I don't know. Maybe it's just more anti-Semitism. She's going to get a very mean call from her brother, Bernard. You know, I heard there's a new Jewish student at your school. He must be a movie producer. Jewish kid, eh? Hollywood royalty.

So that's like that story. It kind of goes nowhere. It's just kind of like keeping these characters, at least in your mind. But the whole thing is Brandon. So Brandon sneaks out at night. He says he's going to go studying, but he actually hangs out with Dylan. on the strip, which is... Here's a big... Sorry. No, please, please. But here's a big issue with Brandon's lie right here. So, Andrea, excuse me, has assigned him this, like, profile that he has to write.

So there's this really horrible scene where Mrs. Walsh is preparing, what she even refers to as Our Big Feast, or something of the like, because James Eckhouse was supposed to return home from Chicago, and they were going to be... a big family dinner and then brandon is like oh no you know i've been working on this profile and it's you know i'm hard hitting the hitting the typewriter you know whatever he says and he's like so i think just a couple more hours at the library should do it and i'm like dude this profile is about you why do you need to go to the library to do research about you he pulls a book off the shelf that says the history of brandon's

Brandon's through the ages. Yeah. Well, also there's that weird Dylan interaction where he's like, hey, I'm Brandon Walsh. She's like, Scotch or Irish? I'm like, what's the answer that's going to stop this conversation, Dylan? Yeah, I don't know what that's supposed to be either, but his response is exactly what you wanted to be if you don't know the outcome for either answer, which is a little bit of both. Yeah, don't fuck with no Scots, Brandon. See you later, bro.

Yeah, nice to meet you. you got your family tree yeah what you're gonna want to pull that out let me take a look i'm seeing a little uh portuguese here i'm gonna kick your ass later uh so yeah they're hanging out on the sunset strip and brandon is like is this the sunset strip and he's like the tourist call it asshole it's like i'm just trying to hang out here man i just moved here could you give me a little bit of a break i was like well so what do they call it is it just the strip i mean answer him i hate when that happens it's like oh yeah oh yeah oh The assholes call it that.

I'm not going to back that up with what us local people call it. Us locals call it the Sunset Strip. There is a great fucking establishing shot, though. Did you guys peep the, when it's like montage of shit on the strip, like strip landmarks and whatever, that awesome shot of Tower Records? Oh, yeah. The old Tower Records, fuck, dude, that's so awesome. It reminded me, did anybody ever see that documentary about Tower Records?

that I believe Colin Hanks directed. It was a documentary about Tower Records. Yeah, and it's just like, and about the guy who created it because he was like a real personality kind of a thing. Fuck, I'm going to have to look up the name of it. The name of the doc is all things must pass. Yeah, that's a bit too much, guys. Back it up a little bit there, Colin. How about that?

No, no, no, no, no. If I recall the documentary correctly, that is something. with the guy who started the store Russ Solomon and like something I think he says in the die I think it's one of those things sure anyway I've derailed this enough

I'm just saying it was a fucking great exterior should be roll shit I saw it too and I was like oh fuck it well that's the thing with these days I'm like ooh record stores ooh this ooh that and sometimes I'm just like ooh coffee you know what I feel you man

I fucking saw a tote bag I have for Turntable Lab. It's a record store here in Manhattan. And I was like, I wonder if I'm ever going to be able to use this bag to go buy records at this record store again. Absolutely. So yeah, so their buddies come out and Dylan's like, I've got a better place to go than this lame-ass place. So they get in his amazing car. There's like a back and forth. The weird thing is Dylan clearly doesn't like these dudes, but he's hanging out with them all the time. I guess it's high school right I guess so I think maybe it's

also like he just likes some people like kind of close by while he's surfing just in case you know kind of a thing got it so they go to this hotel and he's like the idea is he's sneaking into this hotel and he's like looking at all these different doors that might be open and

oops this one's open and Brandon is very uncomfortable right away which is you know fine if you're heard whoa and Dylan's like hey man you want uh who wants cheeseburgers and everyone's like sure we're stone sober absolutely and uh he's like let me get five cheeseburgers medium well and i'm like dylan let's relax let's get a little pink in there mackay seriously dude i mean i know you're like kind of

paranoid because it is like a you know a hotel kitchen or whatever but like you're in a nice hotel dude it should be fine um and brandon walks out and he's like make that for they have this confrontation. He's like, listen, Brandon, this is actually my hotel suite. My parents use it. We're not going to get in trouble. Just come hang out and eat some cheeseburgers. And he's like, no way, man. And he's being like, come on, Minnesota. Hang on. He's like, the name is Brandon. Not that you bothered to know. And also, you're a house of lies. It's true. He is a complete phony, Dylan here. You know, he just presents himself as like, oh, look, look at this bad stuff I'm getting into. No, it's actually fine. I own the hotel.

Just get off your fucking high horse about it. That's all I'm asking. Who, Brandon? Yeah, get off your fucking high horse. If you really have a problem, just leave. Don't give him the fucking lecture. Well, I agree with you at this point, Cabin, because, like, yeah, it's a funny prank, but like, okay, Dylan lives in the hotel. Now that that's established, Brandon, the move is, ha ha ha ha, you got me.

Let's have cheeseburgers. And or, oh, shit, it's kind of late. You know what, man, I'm going to, I'm going to bail. I'll talk to you later. I mean, still, Dylan is still a bullshit artist. Oh, totally. Well, but he also, he has a thing. He kind of tries to open up to Brandon right here.

Bullshit artist. Oh, God. Bullshit, bullshit artist. Oh, fuck. We're all turning into the greasy strangler. That's how you know I'm at the end of my rope if I fucking rewatch that fucking horrible movie during all of this.

Oh, it's coming. But Dylan opens up to him at one point. He's like, look, yeah, like this is, you know, my parents' hotel, like live in the suite or whatever. He says, my parents aren't into parenting and kind of opens himself up a little, shows a little vulnerability to Brandon, and Brandon just continues to act like a fucking dick to this guy.

Yes, he's like sticking it to him, you know, just because he's like trying to put on a big show. And that's Dylan's thing, man. You gotta understand, whatever. So look, Dylan, I'm a rebel. I like to spit on the sidewalk every once a while, but you are gonna give me a free fucking hamburger. Okay, okay, that could put me in jail.

Dude, that's a good point, I don't mess with burgers, man. I don't mess with free burgers, bro. Cheeseburgers. Are you serious? It's just all so much of an overreaction. Well, to Brandon's point, what if they were breaking into a random hotel room and suddenly there's a dead sex worker in there

and then it creates an entire chain of events? But that's not what happened. Dylan's like easily. Come on, droogies, who wants to go do some ultraviolet? I could see it happening. This guy is like, it's like a cult of personality with Dylan, it seems. First of all, man, I don't fuck around with, my name is not Minnesota. Second of all, I'm like beating people to death with dildos. And if I am going to beat someone to death with a dildo, man, it's going to be a rubber one and not this crazy oversized ceramic thing you are carrying around. whatever, they kind of, it's the next day, Brandon's feeling bad and he wants to just hang out,

but Brenda's going to the beach anyway. She coaxed him to go with her and Kelly and Donna, who has like three lines, fucking producer's daughter alert. Seriously, dude. And you know what? I'm sure she gets more scream time later, but I'm fine to keep it right where it is. Well, she's already on my shit list because what she says in this episode is she says to Brenda, Brenda, your brother is dope. No, he is not. He is not, shut up. They get to the beach. Everyone is there for some reason.

Like, David and Scott are there, like, stalking the older classmen. Steve is there by himself, loner creep alert, by the way. Absolutely. Well, I think it's a thing where he is definitely stalking Kelly. Oh, dude, yeah, there's that weird line in the beginning where it's just like, hey, Kelly, want to get liposuction, you ugly, and he kind of runs away. Yeah, because he's referencing the nose job again. And we have to reestablish this.

It's been a little bit since the pilot folks. Everyone, hey, hey, she got a nose job. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit much. I will say those, Steve. I want to say there is some vague mention from Jenny Garth at the beginning of the episode when they're in the, in the, uh, the jeannery. Um, it's something about this is supposed to be like a party.

So that's why they're all going. There's also a weird thing where Brenda does say to Brandon when they're getting ready to go to the beach, that she is heard of Dylan and all of his fucking, you know, his, this and that, including a rumor that he got a girl pregnant in Paris. I heard he drinks blood. I heard he's 37 years old.

You know what, Brandon? Three words, kiddie porn dungeon, okay? Brandon, I have to show you this. It's a picture of Dylan and William McKeown. Kinley. He's the same age in this picture, Brandon. You know what, Brandon? I think Dylan served in Vietnam. There, I said it. Dude, this got this girl pregnant in Paris, and Brandon is like, yeah, that sounds like the guy. Like, he sounds like that kind of a dude. He doesn't wrap it up at all. I mean, he's the kind of guy

who tries to give you a free hamburger. I mean, he would definitely do that. Brendan, can you believe how fucking disgusting that is? A free hamburger? At the end of end of the episode, there is a thing where Dylan's talking in French to someone, and it's like, oh, shit, did he really? And I'm like, really? Really? I thought that was just bullshit,

people said. The baby looked at you? But he's like laying pipe in fucking France now? This guy's really interesting. He's reading Byron and laying baguette in France. Oh, wow. Excellent.

So, yeah, they're at the beach. It's a party. blah blah blah Kelly oh my god wait a second I'm sorry I'm sorry I found a thing in my notes that I got a I gotta get a reading of the room here on this

so there's a bit of a discussion about whether or not Brandon is going to go to the beach party he really has to work on this profile but he also like doesn't want to run into the surfer crew and whatever so he's telling Brenda's not going to go

under the guise of like well someone has to keep mom company while they're having this argument Kelly pulls up and honks the horn and they look out and Brandon sees the car that she's driving

like this fucking sick convertible and goes what I do with a car like that Mrs. Walser's response while looking at

fucking Jenny Garth a 20 year old Jenny Garth is what I do with a daughter like that and I was like wait

wait a second I think I think the line is supposed to be like oh that Kelly she's dressed inappropriately I would tell her off but it sounds a lot steamyer than that

absolutely dude and I was like oh no this is another fucking patient zero for Brazzers tabs right now holy Lord I didn't I don't know if I read it into I know what now that do you say that you're probably right like I at the first I was like yeah whatever TV show she also Jenny Garth is also called by Brandon here that she looks like a reject from a mega death video it's a well okay no she doesn't have the volume mega death like the big hair i'm sorry no very true very true chris cabin so anyway this beach party i'm sorry they run into brandon runs into just the two dudes and sarah and they're all totally wasted drunk

and sarah offers him a drink and again like it'd be cool to be he's just like no i'm good he does say no i'm good he's trying to play it a little bit cool here and she's like what i thought you liked me and he goes i liked you yesterday and it's like okay it's a piece of shit line dude this is where i mean i'm not a brandon apologist at all i think he pretty much sucks but this episode is this moment this episode is where i was like i'm done with you today sir because this chick's just drunk at the beach like whatever i've been drunk at the beach tons of times and he goes on he goes you were friendlier yesterday dot dot dot you were also so oh yeah that's it fuck you you piece of shit that's true fuck that it's so condescending oh man don't don't

tempt me with being drunk at the beach right now andrew seriously dude uh so she uh they kind of split up here that he kind of says some shitty things to the other two dudes uh he And then like she goes in the water and like completely wipes out. And Brandon saves her, gives her mouth to mouth, et cetera, et cetera. And he tells Brandon to call 911. We cut to the hospital. Cindy shows up. Sidney Walsh. And she's just, you know, it's like this. The kids are lament are cemented as heroes at this point by the doctor. They saved her life, etc. That's not helping anything here, man. Don't be telling us what your Brandon hatred. Yeah, Brandon's ego, get a fucking arrest. He's already writing a story. He's already writing a story. story about himself the hero listen i was too busy laughing my tits off to get mad at anything right here because this doctor i just realized actually has the line of the episode because mrs walsh like runs around the corner and she's like oh my god my babies and this doctor is just like they're fine they're also heroes oh i fucking lost it oh just call and someone a hero like that it was great

and you know there's another yet another there's like five this happens five times in this episode it's just the wall just sitting in this hospital like man it sure is different here in Beverly Hills you know it's snowed back home you remember that

they don't have hospitals in Minnesota no no or nor alcohol oh geez mom is dad fucking around well he has to be right well did Chicago no I just don't know. Yeah, he's going to Chicago.

Like, yeah, he's wrapping up that secret family really quickly. Yeah, totally, dude. I know what he means when he says he had a fucking Portillo's dip. It means he has to snuff out his fake family in Chicago. He murders them. Total crispinua style. And then catches the red eye back to L.A. Oh, dude, the real red eye.

Yeah. He bought a movie. ticket when he was killing the family well Jim I don't understand why do I have to say you've been home when you haven't been Cindy listen to me it's very important for my job that you say I was home tonight what did we watch Cindy a night like no we watched date line you want to see season two Cindy you're gonna fucking remember that it was date line you're gonna have to start you're gonna have to start doing exactly what I say

you're going to end up on date line you know what get the kids here they should hear this too or they're going to be saying good night as well I can always find a new family could put this whole fucking family on date line so the next day Brandon goes back

to the beach he confronts the two dudes and he calls them scum which rules this dude's response was the line of the episode for me because he goes excuse me well Brandon's like

oh where's Betty and they're like we don't know we left her last night is like yeah you don't care either you scum that's what he goes

which is so good and then like Brandon starts to get the shit kicked out of by these guys Dylan breaks it up um and then it's an interesting

thing right here because it's something I've seen a bunch of times which is a slightly intoxicated scuffle that you know isn't actually going to break into a full-on fight. Yes, yes.

Because Dylan's response to this is perfect because he's just kind of like, guys, come on. Look, you're just shoving each other. This isn't a fight. Just stop. Just stop. Brandon storms off after revealing that Sarah went to the hospital and Dylan's response, which is so cool, he breaks this surfboard and it ruled. Oh, my God.

He just steps on it. Steps right on it while balancing himself on the dude who's, fucking surfboard it is. Thank you very much. Dylan is so cool. He breaks poorer kids things. Well, it's all right, dude. They're scum. Okay, gotcha. And the second this surfboard breaks, by the way, you know what happens? Killer fucking guitar. Oh, yeah. That's right. At the moment of cracking, too. It's like, I don't know if you could, I mean, I'm not familiar with, could you just break one with your foot like that?

It seems implausible to me, doesn't it? I don't know, but those things can break, like, in the water. I mean, I've never been surfing like that, so I don't know. I think Dylan is like Batman or something. Like, he owns a hotel. He's got such a cool playboy-esque demeanor. And then, you know, he goes missing for long periods of time. He's secretly 38.

Yeah. Gotta go pregnant in Paris just like Batman. I think you could definitely snap the cheap. surfboards but the ones that that fucking Dylan has you can't yeah it's my titanium surfboard scum so um you know Dylan and this is when Dylan kind of goes up to Brandon and I think this is actually before the whole like I just want to be your friend man which is a very sweet moment where look you know what I've been looking for somebody with a stick up their ass that I can just tug every once in a while you know that's what I've been looking for

all these times and you know what you're the man for the job brandon takes his enormously high horse and storms off the beach gallops off the beach uh so that's i mean that's kind of it apparently sarah comes uh the next day at school she shows up to west beverly and she just thanks brandon a for saving her life now she's also in treatment which is good for her which is all fine and dandy but my question was this girl is high school age I guess I guess well she says it earlier she enrolled that's no she's not she's not I don't know she kind of looks like rose at the end of Titanic for a little bit there I love this line Brandon has to her that it's like you know like you know my last name's walsh call me I'm listed

yeah and it's like oh not many people in Beverly Hills are listed in the phone book and it's nice like phone book culture was a thing you know it's interesting But, like, his name isn't in the phone book. And presumably, he's not the only Walsh. They're not the only Walsh in the fucking songbook. Yeah, that's true. It would be under, like, Jim Wall, James Walsh. Exactly.

Yeah. Well, call around. You know what, if she really wants you, make her work for it. I think that's what, I think this is a very nice send-off to her because he does not want to deal with this woman or her problems. That's usually Brandon's M.O. is like, stick his fucking finger into something. Shake it around and be like, see you next never. You know what, though?

Dude, I get it and it sucks, but I prefer it to, oh, this girl's got problems and I'm going to take advantage of her. That's fair. That's fair. You know what I mean? This is just like, he's like, you know what? You got a drinking problem. You've admitted it. If you ever need, like, help with your recovery. I guess dial every Walsh in the fucking L.A. County phone book and eventually you might find me. But I'm not going to try to like pick you up. Yeah, that's fair. None of that. I was pleasantly surprised that they just kind of walk away amicably. I was also like, I think this actor needed to lean more into whatever limp she was trying to do for this surfing injury.

Sure, sure. Because it's kind of there, and then it's kind of not. And then Brandon and Brenda in the hallway, just together. Oh, there's a little thing where Kelly abandons Brenda at the beach, and that sort of is a problem. And then later, Kelly is very contrite. and Brenda feels good about that. That's sort of something, I guess. Yeah, I guess she put that rich girl in her place.

That's fine. And, you know, the last shot is, well, Bren, I think we are going to make it here each and every week on Beverly Hills 90210. Now let's walk like fucking drunk Charlie Chaplin down this hallway. Surely we won't humiliate ourselves doing that. Wait, is that the last? Or is I thought it was Dylan and his dad. Oh, yes.

No, that's right. We cut back to the darkness of. Oh, you know, no, you were right, Steve, because I have the chronologically my notes here. Oh, right, okay. The silly walking down the hallway is the absolute last thing you see because she, he says that line about like, I think we're going to be all right here. She goes, speak for yourself, and he goes, I was. That's right. No, but there is, we shouldn't forget the Dylan scene.

Oh, it's heartbreaking. It's him in this hotel room curled in a ball. Like, I think it's after the whole Sandy thing, yada, y'all. or Sarah thing, yada, yada, and he feels bad or whatever, he feels to talk to his parents. And he speaks French. He's like, is Jack McCain, blah, blah, blah. It's his son. And, like, do they leave in a message? No. And he hangs up. And, like, I don't know, these kids just need to learn how to watch TV. You know what I mean? Like, sure. Out of VHS collection, you should be getting one. You should get one nice and fat.

Now, why does he speak French? Is there a pregnant woman or what's going on? He's calling Paris where his parents are. Oh, okay. So he's calling his dad to, you know, dad, did you take care of that thing? Did you show that baby? I don't know that the baby thing is true, Eric. I think that might be a high school rumor. I don't know about that. But it is kind of sad, though, because, like, he gets the, who he's speaking with is their answering service. Yes. And he's like, oh, you speak English. Okay, they have this thing. And someone on the other line says, do they have your number?

And I believe if I heard him correctly, Dylan's response is, yes, they're. they know their phone number. Yeah. And it's like, fuck, man. These parents just abandoned this 30-year-old guy. Did you hear the service, though, when he said that, they said, oh, a little rich boy.

Well, the whole scene. Pardon me, sir, let me get out my tiny violin. Now you call this very expensive hotel from another very expensive hotel. Dude, it should have been a fucking violin, but instead it's Luke Perry curled up in that ball and he hangs up the phone. And it's,

Baird-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. Yeah, that guitar is licking your face on the way out of this episode. Look, he's sad, but he's still cool. I just want to be really clear about that. Totally. Yeah, like Vince Neil. That's kind of our second episode. Any parting shots here?

I guess a way to continue this as we kind of really get into these series, I'm going to ask how excited you are for the next episode. so we'll go around start with you Andrew okay so one thing parting shot first before my excitement level one thing we did not mention

was Brandon's dream at the beginning because this is all we were texting about I feel so we have to mention it on the air also they are using like surf stock footage and also stock music and it's a fake hot for teacher

yes so I just wanted to throw that out there I will also say I am fucking incredibly excited. I am on the train, dude. Now we're talking. I have my bag in the little overhead compartment. I am on the train. Some fat guy came by and took my ticket. I'm ready to go. Eric, what do you think? Yes, but I'm a little apprehensive because you guys have built Dylan up so much for me, and he's just like this Mary Sue guy walking around being like, I'm made of cool. I am still very excited, but it's almost making me like, what's Thursday talking about on Melrose?

Let's see where that series goes. You want to hang out with the adults for a little bit? Maybe. Well, soon enough, Eric, I will say, I don't think it's this week's Melrose Place episode, but next week, guest appearance by one, Mr. Zach Galligan himself. It's very exciting. They let the gremlin out of the basket. Christopher? Yeah, I mean, now that Dylan's here.

that's right the fucking brandon show before no thank you he's nice chris he sucks ass eric stop it's just a nice guy he's trying to do what's right he's a piece of shit and he's high on his own supply so fucking stop it yeah steve our plan is working perfectly they'll kill each other uh yes i am obviously very excited um a parting shot for me as this episode also has some brandon making andrea smell it once again Oh, dude, she has a horrible line at the end of this where she goes, yo, ace! Yeah, she's just really trying. She's running for girlfriend,

and it's just the votes are not looking good. Dude, it is a mathematical impossibility at this point. Most precincts have reported. Steve, I do need this spoiled for me, though, because it is just so fucking sad. And on the, at least on, I'm watching this on CBS All Access through Amazon the picture that they have for the first season

everybody's kind of like paired off it's not a first season photograph mainly because you can tell Brian Austin Green looks like a grown adult in the picture but Brandon is hugging Andrea that's like friend hugging stuff when we get to the big theme song proper where it gets really cool

which is probably where I can close my eyes I know exactly what it looks like there's just a lot of weird pairing off and I think they just sort of paired them off together it's always a will they won't they and the answer is they won't is she is getting it wet though elsewhere she is I think the quarantine

won't go this far eventually she never know she gets knocked up she's the only one to have a kid and then she leaves the show which I think is because she as a woman as a fucking at that point in her late 30s

uh was pregnant didn't you know couldn't right around it that's kind of how that went gotcha all right that's still on board still on board okay so we're i'm obviously very excited and i'm excited for you to be excited dear listener uh so the this is the rest of the week uh going up tomorrow uh you get a nice um prime preview of our patreon that's a lot of illiteration for we're releasing a previously locked up episode of man on steel um the Zach Snyder's Superman episode which people really like. Very few of you have heard that because very few of you are

Patreon. So a lot of you get to hear this episode for free. It's going to be really exciting. Yeah, and just a reminder, there's so much on that Patreon just like that. So if you like that bonus prime episode, check out the rest of them. There are tons. Absolutely. And

on Thursday, we're coming back for Melrose Place again. So yeah, we're having a blast here during quarantine. No, we're not. But we're pretending we are, but we hope to be back to normal soon. But yeah, thank you for sticking around, and we will see you next time. Until then, I've been Stephen

Sadak. Andrew Jupin. Eric Cisca. Chris Cabin. Take it easy and remain indoors. That was a hit gum podcast.