We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #6 - Melrose Place "Lost & Found"

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

On the Melrose Place episode of this week's MELR0210 offerings, the gang is chatting about the third episode of season one, "Lost & Found"! Originally airing July 22nd, 1992, this episode has Billy writing a garbage screenplay and Allison being too much of a coward to lie to him; Michael and Jane doing the Michael & Jane nonsense, only this time there are chili-dogs involved; Sandy causing mischief like she's the complex's Woody Woodpecker; Jane flirting with a dude who has Michael Landon's haircut; and Jake finally, once and for all, avoiding jail time by officially getting Kelly to go back to her own show and take all her rotten friends with her! PLUS: The guys riff on secret apartment complex owner, Mel Rose—after all, it's his place! MELR0210 is a new show we put together to help you pass the time during this necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Hello and welcome to Melrode 210, a side show of the We Hate Movies podcast reminding you to remain indoors because we're still quarantining here. We're quarantining with a bunch of hot and sexy people as we are not hot and sexy people. I'm here with not sexy people, Andrew Juppen, Chris Cabin, and Eric Siska. Hello.

yeah no no no no and also Mel Rowe is here this dude named Mel Rowe who's like hey you're talking about Mel Rowe that would be great if he came out at the end yeah yeah it's not Mr. Whatever it's Mel Rowe I and this is my place Melrose place I own the street that's I bought it from the government because my name is Melrose and I thought it was pretty catchy if you ask me. It works beautifully with the ladies. Beautifully. I just love the notion

of this fucking pig bought a whole street for some reason. From the government. Yes, we have good deals with Mel Rowe. He's an old friend of mine. We're letting these streets go for a song, folks.

He's a close friend of my other good friend the My Pillow guy. Oh, dude. What are The fuck is wrong with the world That guy is around now I'm coming down to Melrose Place to judge all your bikinis Keep barbecueing

Yeah Oh, Jane, you're still You're still just in a pool By yourself, huh? Eh, eh. Oh my God. Where are you 19? Get out.

Too old, get out. Get out, you old bag. Yeah, put that wedding ring away. We opened here in a weird, like, nexusy place. This is Lost and Found original air date July 22nd, the year of our Lord, 1992. Oh, yeah. And we are sort of looking for Nikki the nose a little bit here. Anybody else get that vibe?

Dude, yeah, I was like, is this a dream sequence? Are we on the holodeck? What the fuck is going on with this horse shit? It's terrible. I got some techno-R vibes from Terminator. Oh, definitely. I could see that. And we see Billy and he's all.

greased up he's missing a duster he should have a duster in this outfit that i think would solidify chris cabin's notion of tech noir but he does have the the kyle reese five o'clock shadow hey come with me if you want to live already clara car and he want to go on a date with where what i need your duster i need your greasy hair i need your wait you don't have a car oh no your taxi I also need your garbage writing style Your son will Leigh the resistance And he will liberate us

From the machines Let's see as a C-800 Elth is a killing machine That's funny If he was in the Sarah Connor role I would be rooting for that creepy fucking psychiatrist to shoot him full of shit You're dead

Everybody's dead oh man yeah this this a plot of billy writing a screenplay man this is just like you are wishing for this dude to fail and to quote jerry seinfeld be spit out of the back of the porn industry the weird thing about this show is somebody you know aaron spelling and daren star whomever was like okay we need we want a bunch of sexy 20 something is going through their sexy problems but for some reason we're going to anchor it with these two unlikable people like you know what I mean like I would rather watch everybody else like

at some point Matt is like hey I'm gonna go to some crazy gay party I know I can't say I'm gay but that's obviously what we're doing I'm like let's go to that fucking party let's see what's going on dude you know what though I was I was pretty nervous for Matt because like that whole scene and we'll get to it later but like that whole exchange that he has with Allison he's like I'm gonna go to this party it's gonna be fucking crazy

Allison you have no idea of fucking crazy this crazy like David Lynchie and Hollywood Hills party is it going to be then they cut they like pull back a little bit and there's this like wide shot where you can see both of them he's wearing like the most disgusting beat up Nike sneakers

I've ever and I was like dude you can't go to that party with those shoes on you can wear all the fun fucking t-shirts you want Matt but that makes no sense Andrew you can't judge him until you walked a mile in those do they look like fucking Forrest Gump's trainers

man. Maybe they are. He's a co-current celebrity. Oh, wait, no. 94 is when Forrest Gump comes out. Oh, right. But he was already jogging across the nation before they made a movie about him. That's true. Yeah, so we open and like

there's Michael is cleaning the pool obviously and he's about to go to work. And Jane is like, well, somebody please fuck me. Yeah. Well, this is... Who's going to do it? What are you waiting for? I can't believe three weeks in a row. It's the same fucking plot.

When is Jane going to get fucked? Matt, I'll pay you. I think this is to establish that like marriage is inherently a loveless connection and it just doesn't work. So you should be, you should stay a sexy single 20 something at Mel Rose's place. Dude, I'm sorry that we look. It's confirmed again. I think we confirmed it with like, I think Allison is also supposed to be 23. but it's confirmed in this episode that Jane is 23.

Yes. And it's like, dude, you're 23 years old. You just moved to Los Angeles, you know, one of the sexiest cities of all time. And you're fucking married to this idiot that you never see. What are you doing? You got the steps all out of order. I think the central thesis of the show is A, B, F, A.

Always be fucking around. Absolutely. Like every, in any way you can. Just be fucking, maybe flirting. better but flirting around but no it's mostly fucking around but Steve you're totally right though because what I've started doing both with this show and with

our 902 and no watching I break my notes up into the plots so like I have a plot is Billy in this fucking script or whatever the C plot which we'll get to is Jake desperately needs to dump Kelly Taylor but the B plot

is the same B plot of Jane wanting to fuck her husband and it just not working out. I like the notion of they're going to recreate their first night when they move to Los Angeles. They're going to get pink's hot dogs and then they're going to

how she puts it. And the way she words it is what makes this scene magical is they're going to watch a video of ghost. For a second, it took me like a second to put it together. Oh, they mean the film. They're going to watch the movie ghost, not just a video of a ghost.

Oh yeah, we're going to watch some fucking haunted house footage that I shot. Maybe. I'm so scared. Oh my God. I'm so scared. Don't you remember the first time we had sex and we watched a videotape of my first cat who got run over named Ghost?

Right before we had sweet, sweet love. Actually, though, it could go down with some serious fucking role playing, though, dude, because Jane definitely has Demi Moore's haircut from Ghost. Excellent point. I was going there, too, definitely. He could be either Patrick Swayze or he's more of a Tony Goldwyn vibe.

Oh, absolutely. He's more of a Tony Goldwood. I can't wait to see his shard and glass ripped through Michael. Some clay play. Oh, yeah, definitely Clayplay, man. And if you paid Billy, I bet you he'd sing for you while you play with Clay. Oh, my love, my boring. See, Allison, it's so easy to make it in Hollywood. And I can't wait to be a super celebrity.

One last thing on this before we go back to fucking Billy and his horse shit is they do. She's like, yeah, it'll be great. And he agrees. And obviously he's going to fail at that. That's how all these stories go. It's like I'll get out at seven. We'll go. Blah, blah.

They do make it very specific chili dogs with extra chili. So we're having chili fart sex a little later. Dude, it could be straight up scat play. You never know. Well, you could probably handle it with your digestion back in the day. at this point in your relationship no, no, no, you're farting the whole time. Oh, absolutely, dude. They're letting

him fly. And they both definitely have like stress ulcers. You're dead, Willie. Oh, yeah, I'm getting ready. Molly, you endanger girl. I'm rock hard. Also, just really quickly on the Billy thing or on the

Michael thing, again, exemplifying his terrible job at being the super. He's trying to clean this pool while his wife is, like, molesting him. Like, come on, don't you want to fuck me? And he's like, you know what? Maybe I'll stop cleaning this pool. And he literally throws the skimmer into the water.

And I'm like, dude, Jake is unemployed. There's nothing but hair in there, man. All these fucking people, their enormous big 90s hair, is getting clogging that fucking grain. And big 90s not maintaining our pubs as well as we should be. some of these people some of these people got sweater chests I don't know it could be floating anywhere so yeah Billy

wakes up for he's like we realize he's writing this screenplay like and he's like I don't think this fucking ape has ever seen the keyboard he's like one key in it each time oh dude I love that he's like my fucking grandfather typing something also working in the kitchen

yeah and Allison's like why aren't you at work you were supposed to pick up your taxi like two hours ago So I can't stand it. Get the fucking work, Billy. And that's the thing, dude. That's this, like, insane, you know, delirium that he has right now where it's like, I don't need the cab job anymore that I've had for one week, Allison, because this is a guaranteed hot seller script. I'm going to be making deals left and right. Like, he's certifiable. Allison, do you know that screenplays are selling for a million dollars a pop these days? dispatchers and disbelievers. I read that the Batman

Return script was really expensive, so my fucking horseshit gum shoe nonsense will be doubled that as much. He goes to Allison's office, again, just pestering this woman at work. And he's like, got the fucking thing printed out. He's like, hey, Allison, here's the script from my screenplay, the big shock.

You know, it's great. I can see the advertising now. The big shock is a big shock. Do you get it? Is this going to be a thing where he's going to have like a new job every episode, like in a week? It's going to be like, Allison, the president is in town and they hired me to be security. Dude, he's like Homer Simpson. Exactly.

Alton, the mayor is opening up legalize the gambling. I'm going to work on a casino. Allison, I accidentally went to Japan and now I lost my ticket and I'm gutting fish to get my money back. Call me back. a voicemail. Or I should say answering machine messaging. My God. My God. He makes the craziest demand

right here. I'm sorry. Oh yes. It's so so one, you are bothering this woman at work. Two, you bring your screenplay. Thanks. I don't want to read it. But he's like, so Allison, I need this. I need notes by tonight. I need all this constructive criticism

by tonight because I'm going out in the morning and dropping this off at the office of every agent in town. Yeah. again okay scum fuck you don't know how things work and it's a first draft dude fucking spend more than a few hours on this exactly it's so and she's like tonight like are you fucking shitting me like i'm working dude and he's like don't worry allison well i'm a big successful screenwriter you won't need this job anyway i can take care of both of us i'm gonna be a screenwriter but the thing is too is like we've all worked and i mean like this is kind of where this episode goes

like we've all like done worked on stuff and like screenplays and sketches and blah blah blah and all sorts of stuff and you always kind of ask people for feedback it's usually an email it's usually like hey man when you have the time yep with an open ended i probably will never hear notes on this exactly come on alth and where's my fucking feedback you know alison or patty teyoski once said uh editing is for suckers suckers i do not think that uh billy knows who patty chaski is i'm just going to say sorry no i mean they keep well because the other thing is alison is like because he when she walks into the kitchen initially he's like there the two greatest words of the english language the end

and she's like she's like wait what are you what are you talking about i thought you were like writing books and stuff he's like oh forget that alison i just discovered this new thing called movies But she, like, keeps calling him Norman Mailer. Like, that's the go-to, like, author that he recognizes. Yeah, it's kind of weird. Nobody liked Norman Mailer's movies until, like, years after they came out. Well, no one's going to like the big shock, dude. Well, of course.

Yeah, well, and he's like, oh, man, and it's got all the stuff that people are looking for these days. I'm like, nobody wants bullshit noir. Nobody's ever wanted it. Not in 1992. Not like this. Not like this. I just thought Angel Heart, Alathan. I mean, Lewis Seifer, it's genius.

I'm sorry, Eric, I got cut you up. No, I mean, like, I guess we were just going through these parts like piecemeal. Later on in this, when Allison tells him about what she hated about it. And there's talk of there, there was a, there's a transsexual ex-none is the killer. And it's like, so this, this show now has done this twice. Yeah. I mean, yeah. No, the, the transsexuality being a punchline, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess it's more of a, what do you call it there, a crying game joke question mark.

Yeah, I guess so. What, because crying game was, what, 90? Maybe. Yeah. That was a big joke for a long time, Chris. I mean, East Ventura. I mean, unless you're selling this script to Abel Ferrara, I don't know how you think this is going to sell. Well, I mean, you know, the whole thing about this transsexual ex-nun aside, like, that's a super. prize in the script. Because when he's describing it, one, the fantasy part of it looks like your average, like, garbage gum shoe noir thing. But then he's talking about like, oh, did you like the part where the hero jumps out of the window and blasts two guys before he lands in the pool? And I'm like, this is, again, funny enough, this is like a script that Homer Simpson would write. Yes. You know, like you wrote a shitty McBain type thing, it feels like. The studio messed with my story. Now it's 8th Ventura. detective. Now he's talking

out of his butt. Oh, Allison. Oh, wait a minute. That movie was super successful and now blown it, whatever. The only thing they kept, Allison, was that both screenplays, mine and theirs were super destructive of packages. My detective

started out as a UPS driver. The thrust of this storyline is, oh my God, Billy's script sucks. Do I have to tell him? And the answer is absolutely not. No. The other's absolutely not.

And thanks for nothing, Matt, as you desperately try to be a part of this show in some fashion with your fucking creepy, untold, mysterious party and your terrible sneakers. Dude, he's like, you gotta fucking tell him. And I'm like, no, Matt, horrendous advice. No, yeah, it's terrible advice. And you know what this really is exactly like?

Is the adaptation brother. Yes. And his script that they're, like oh he's like it's god awful he's like no it will sell this thing will absolutely sell whatever this garbage is absolutely they'll they'll buy it just for the title the big shock but you're not saying matt is not no no no no not matt like matt is like i don't blame him at all for this is allison to me 100% alice oh it's great you know maybe i would make this scene a little bit more clear bye i never want to talk to you about this again please send it to every agent and ruin your

life. Well, that's the thing. Like, she knows it's going to be terrible, right? So, like, here's the thing. It's win-win for her if she lies, because she lets him down easy and then he gets rejected by the actual professionals like is going to happen and that's fine. Or the impossible scenario, which is also fine for her, is that she says that she likes it. Then it turns out he sells it and it is a big hit so she can act like she was right the whole time anyway. Yeah, win-win. And you don't have to have this awkward conversation where you're hurting someone's feelings. Like, never ever tell anybody what you really think. Period. Period. But Matt's advice is like, all right, you know what? Once you make him dinner, it is softened

the blow. And so she makes like a tuna casserole. Yeah. And I see what they're eating is like this prop tuna casserole. And I don't know, man. Don't look like no tuna casserole I've ever seen. Looked canned clam chowder. Yes, it definitely did. She just dumped canned clam chowder on spaghetti. Progressive. but there's of course the exchange that billy never wants to have happen happens as he's like what did you hate about it and she goes everything yeah but then his fucking kickback that was hilarious well you have no taste just like your lousy casserole you fucking piece of shit billy i hate you so she uh he storms out obvious like well fucking forget it and he runs off to

shooters and what does he drink there dude he drinks a fucking Coca-Cola and eats a candy bar. I hate this guy. This fucking little man-child, he's the absolute worst. And he's like, oh, sugar all kills all wounds, Allison. I guess I'm not so great at screenplays after

all. But I am pretty good at acting like a real-life Kathy cartoon. Here's the more sugar. Could you get me a Watson will call it? And she consoles him, and she's like, you know, you're just, going to make it buddy that was just your first screenplay you know everything's going to be great

and with that he burns his screenplay at the end of the episode pretty dramatic i love this man he's out he's got the fucking script on the grill it's the old-fashioned tinseltown cookout i call it it's great i love burning this creation i love seeing paper burn page by page but the thing about that though i was thinking about it's like okay i get it dude like maybe it's a little cathartic you're like got this one thing out of my system let's just keep writing. He's taking Alice in advice and everything. But at the same time, everyone else in the complex has to be like, is that

paper burning? What's going on? Is there a fire outside? There's an acrid smell coming into my house right now. What the fuck is happening? The middle of the night, it's like, dude, it's fucking two in the morning. I got work tomorrow and you're fucking burning garbage on my doorstep? Exactly.

Did you clear this with our landlord Mel Rose? Yeah, it's fine. You burn garbage at all hours at Mel Rose's place. Hey, uh, burn my wife's birth certificate. Don't ask. Look, I'm going to burn stuff out here. You can burn stuff out here.

Neither the twain shall meet. We do not talk to each other about it. It's like being at a urinal. You look your way. I'll look mine. In the burning things. It might be paper. It might be a body.

Who knows? Oh, yeah. I ran out of things to burn this month. So you kids are going to have to collect some guns. that I need to burn. I just want to burn some garbage. But yes, that's the, that's the A plot, B plot. Yeah, Jane and Michael's L.A., you know, move aversary slash to make up for Michael having to work like a doctor.

Jane decides to go out with Ronda. They go hunting at shooters. Well, she winds up. He calls her. Obviously, I'm on call. I can't get out. Blah, blah, blah. She's disappointed.

and then she goes to Michael's work with these fucking hot dogs and chili and they're going to do something in the closet but he's like I'm sorry I'm literally doctoring right now yeah I am on call man like I am sorry this is just the nature of being a fucking doctor not for nothing a doctor who's like you know the low person on the pole you know like he just started working there so like yeah you might get some shitty shifts or whatever like this is the life but I think he also has a nurse a couple of rooms over

that is waiting for him. I mean, that is yet to be revealed Chris Cabin with all these, but you're right because we suspected this last week with all his late night getting home of 3 a.m. from ships and things. I think it's started already. We're going to get the reveal eventually, but

I think it's been happening for a while. Do you think it's the head nurse? Come on. Hey, oh! You are correct, sir. oral sex from nurses very good very good Eric are you going to talk about

Dr. Biddy Bumpats next Yeah I love Mother-in-laws you hear about them you hear about the COVID virus you know keeps your mother-in-law because she is highly susceptible Oh let me

swing a golf club here There is a great thing I love this moment where she comes in with the food and it's like three candles are lit, like three, one candle for every month we've been in L.A., she says, and there's like three other doctors in this break room, and this guy's like, hey other doctors, let's get doctoring,

because this doctor is going to fuck this sexy lady in our break room. Like, they're acting like they all totally get it. It is the funniest thing. Like, all right, clear up ramblers, let's get rambling. Yep, chilly dogs, coffee? You're definitely going to shit your brains. You're going to fuck. You're fucking tonight.

So she goes back to Melrose. place and is like just goes in the pool wearing this insane bathing suit this purple and whatever thing is crazy looking but um this is when we're still figuring out who the fuck sandy is and the answer is nothing because she gets cut after this season but she's like i guess i'm sort of evil or something why don't you go out and get fuck jane you won't get fuck don't you jane part of me was like is she hitting on jane yes exactly she should come to shoot us and see what happened i'm working to that y'all i'm very happy this character gets cut by the way i didn't know that till now but i'm

very happy yeah she don't make a pest this season which is fine by me but you still got 20 more hours with her eric i hate to break it too um yeah so she's like okay i guess i will and she goes and yeah it's her and ronda ronda's a character hooray uh yeah we get some ronda in this episode there's a great like on the town montage yes which i'm just i'm loving all this fucking LAB roll locked in my house I gotta tell you I want to go to shooters really really badly so fucking badly dude I just need to be in a bar

it's just like it's big there's like a bunch of people there there's music there's like hunky dudes like Alex and Peter Alex and Peter Alex Peter who's dressed like a fucking vampire a lost boy in this episode is this the dude with a longer hair yeah this guy he's got

fucking Michael Landon's haircut man he looks like Joaquin with the head of hair of Michael Landon. And we also get her, her, uh, the guy who, Peter's going after Jane, but this other guy, Alex is going after Ronda who's played by Nestor Carbonell, by the way. Absolutely. I mean, and also this guy. I mean, we're talking 1992.

This guy has not aged today. No. It's kind of fucking crazy. He was, he looks exactly like he does and did in 1992 to this day. Yep. The Gotham mayor. He looks at me. It's, Same thing. There is, but the weird thing about shooters, though, that I realized in this episode is, and I think maybe it's just like a set design thing

or something's not matching just right yet. Or, I mean, it could just be a thing within the show that Shooters has a real identity problem because the shot at the end of the episode, when Allison goes in to find Billy, we get like a nice wide shot of the exterior of shooters and like this front door. And it looks like it's supposed to be a fucking, like,

Grecian garden kind of place and like it opens into a big lobby like you see I don't think it's actually Courtney Thorne Smith but it's like an actress that's supposed to be here like going in but then when you get in it's like okay well it's sort of nice but then there's also like the grungy pool table area it looks like this the bar from from dust till dawn quite a bit really I guess to me it's just so big and like the titty twister yeah it looks a bit like the titty twister I think wow I would not have guessed the titty twist You don't have to go back the next time we're at shooters. Yeah, I was going to say it looks like a fancy Italian restaurant that just happens to have two fucking pool tables in the middle of it.

That's what I'm thinking, Kevin. It definitely, it feels like it's a restaurant that also has a bar, but the characters on this show are using it exclusively as a bar. Well, the thing is this location was probably used like a thousand times in every other movie and TV show is a different thing. Right. Well, I mean, the interior, I'm pretty sure, is just. set. Oh, but it stinks of Grisham. John Grisham? It stinks of John Grisham adaptations. I mean, the

inner look of this place, like where you would need to be like, oh, you know that case that's going to get me killed? Oh, yeah, the case is going to get you killed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. This is a place where lawyers have gone to talk about stuff over like a breadbasket. Yeah, absolutely. So, Sandy again goes up to Jane, like, oh, you think you're hot shit, but no one's going to hit on you, because you got

your wedding ring on. Better take that off love bye okay you weirdo like I'm just here having a drink like yeah it'd be cool to get hit on you know no I still got it A she you know she would be anyway whatever but like it's very weird that she like gets tempted

by Sandy and takes her ring off it's very odd hey y'all I'm like the Melrose Place Woody Woodpecker I'm just a little instigator y'all I've causing all sorts of trouble child what's the problem jane you don't like the roger daltry type yeah what is that oh oh uh jake you want to get rid of that kelly huh you better kill her don't ever know jake i wish i got a big old trunk in the back of my car you know everybody knows jake ain't even your real name you could disappear

come on you can do just give it a shot bartholomew i don't know so like you Yeah, they, they start flirting with these two guys, Rhonda and Jane do. And like, Jane is like, you know, she's, she's into this dude, but it's like obviously just for the attention, you know, blah, blah, blah. Michael's been away for so far. It's nice to know that she's still got it, et cetera. She does take her wedding ring off. And I mean, this is a huge mistake. Like, if you're taking your ring off, don't put in this fucking a cloak-like coat that, like, barely has pockets.

You know it's going to fall right out. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what we're doing there. let's just like take it and put it on another finger and then it's just a ring that you're wearing it or put it in your bag maybe put it in ronda's bang like just put it it some place it's not going to obviously fall out which it right and then so oh sorry you go uh so they learn that like you know these two dudes are in a band and at least

i have to say unlike fucking billy the delusional idiot these two dudes are like because they're like oh where can we hear you stuff you know where do you play or whatever and they're like we have no fans we just started to get together you know we practice a lot but that's about it and i was like well done general an honest answer about the status of your creative outlet. Well done. Oh, so if you have a hobby. Okay. I'm not a fan so much as a hobby. Okay. And Rhonda is fucking sex hunting tonight. She's like,

oh yeah. Where can I get you guns and roses? And like she's like all over this dude. It's pretty, it's a lot. She is hot for Nestor Carbonell and it's like, yeah, wouldn't you be? Well, yeah, look at that jawline. Jesus Christ. Those fucking eyelashes. Do you do to you insane? My goodness. yeah so here's the thing though ronda and jane never follow two strange musicians to a second location absolutely not stay at the home base shooters is home base shooters is safe oh yeah but this club we're going to go to the bouncer is the drummer in our band and he will help me bury your body at the end of the night and he'll say he never saw you they go to a blade-esque nightclub by the way this place is fucking weird this is here's my question about this place though because there's a couple

of levels to this place um so we see some like carpeting at one point that sort of looks like shit you'd see it like rock rockin bowl or something but the other thing like when they cut to this club the first thing you see is like jane and this other dude what's his name peter yes they're dancing and like it's it's kind of getting a little close and she's like uh uh you know six inches for the lord I'm going to go sit down. But you get a look at this fucking dance floor, though. It is clearly the floor of a gymnasium. You can see like the wood boards like on the floor.

It's like, what are we doing, Location Scout? Welcome to PE, the greatest nightclub in L.A. I mean, seriously, it's like that Bill Hader gag on S&L. The hottest club in Los Angeles right now is P.E. It's made from an actual gymnasium where you can go in and have a fat man blow a whistle in your ear. for 45 minutes. Yeah, actually, we got the plans. It's a pretty tragic story.

We got the plans for this nightclub from this kid who accidentally shot himself in Beverly Hills. He liked to imagine nightclubs that he had never been to before, and he just loved imagining them, and we're doing this in tribute. This is a tribute to him. It would make total sense because he was imagining nightclubs while he was in high school, like hanging around the high school gymnasium. That makes sense, for sure.

And I think the timeline kind of matches up. Because Steve, doesn't Scott axe himself in season three of Beverly Hills 9-0-2-1-0? In season two, actually. So there's plenty of time. Oh, even better, yeah. He's not long for this world, ladies and gentlemen. And, yeah, there's the Scott Memorial Toilet you could go to in there. Yeah, you could piss right in that dude's face.

Yeah, you can see Scott's, we got a big old picture of him right near the condom machine. It's on, yeah, it's on the stall wall. There's a picture of him. Someone drilled a hole and made his mouth a glory hole. oh my. First day, by the way. First day that happened. I don't know how. We weren't even open for business yet, and that was just there. They, what do you call it? So they're hitting it off. They're dancing. And then she goes back to the table. And obviously Peter starts putting the real moves on her. And she's like, hey, man. And he's like, what? So you didn't have a boyfriend. She's like, well, actually, I'm married. And she goes to get her wedding room. Oh, oh, it's gone. And now cut to her, like, on the floor at this place, like all over the car.

I mean, also, like, it's gone. It is gone. It's gone. You can't see anything. You can't hear anything. You're never going to find it. They do this whole scene from the floor. Which is hilarious. Like, she is on her hands and knees looking for this thing. And this dude, Peter's like, hey man, like not for nothing. Like, I get it when I asked you had a boyfriend and you said technically no. But a husband is something, you know, you probably should have told me about. This is just all horribly awkward. also I'm not particularly helping look for this ring problem so she winds up going home really dejected

and she never finds it and like Rhonda making out hardcore with Nestor Carbonell absolutely at the good nights right here and so she goes back home Michael is there he's a little worried he's been drinking apparently dude funniest shot the fucking episode Steve is like she walks in and it's like she can hear some music the apartment's completely dark

and then she looks down and the camera tilts down to follow her line of sight and it's just this fucking bottle of booze and like a half drank glass on the table yeah it's a where were you and then they fuck it's like kind of

you know he's like I was worried about you know first of all she got the result you wanted you know she did yeah she did and to the tea because there is a romantic plate of chili hot dogs that gets a beautiful shot right before he inserts himself

all those candles everywhere so many candles surrounding these chili hot dogs keeping them warm also dude possibly what it would look like if you ever had a funeral for a hot dog the needs of the weaners

outweigh the needs of the few dude he just goes we are gathered here today we are mourning Mr. Oscar Maya oh man that was a tasty Although he was a hot dog. I never met someone more human.

He always wanted me just to call him Nathan. He didn't want me to go with last names. He just, we had a connection and his name was Nathan. And now we'll have a reading from the Torah because as you know, he was a Hebrew national. Oh, excellent.

But also all of those candles, dude, that chili dog, you fucking fart. It's going up like goddamn, I don't even know what. Like someone who had a real gas leak fire explosion. I don't know. I'm sure that comes later on Melrose's place. It'll explode like the house and what about Bob, man? I'll go right up.

Yeah, exactly. He does have the line, it just seems like it's been forever. It's like, yeah, dude, that's your fault. Yeah, I mean, but you're busy. Like, I get it also. But also, here's the other thing. The problem here is that at the beginning of the episode, she's like ready to go.

And he's like, oh, okay, fair enough. and he gets into it. And then she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, save some of that for tonight. And I'm like, Jane, we have been down this road since the pilot. You're doing this. You're putting it off. You're kicking the fucking down the road. And then he's going to have to work.

You know he's going to have to work. He's free now. Why don't you get it? Oh, now. Yes, absolutely. And they do fuck. And she's like about to tell him that she lost the ring. By the way, we find out the ring was an heirloom from Sicily.

the mafia was involved It was very scary Oh no Michael's Michael's ancestors Are gonna cut my fucking head off I lost this ring They could just sense it's missing It was Apollonias

She was wearing it in the car When it blew up Made its way to America With only Kate Whatever her name was Had it for a while That ring only had

$10 in its pocket When it got to America And look at it today You have to understand in our country as a ring things worked a little differently yeah the ring first came over when it got to Ellis Island

it had tuberculosis so the ring had to be in quarantine for a few days on Ellis Island so right when she's about to tell him Sandy shows up because in another scene we'll get to at a minute with the Jake story she finds the ring and it's like

hey I'm sorry y'all here's your ring and then like Michael's like your ring you lost it and he's like Oh, no. She lost it in the laundry room. Yeah, it had bleach all over to something. Bye, everybody. I guess I'm a pretty nice gal after all, or am I not?

Who knows? We'll never find out. I think she's nice. Yeah, she's anxious. Mostly, I think she's not. That lady is scum. Sandy? Yeah. That's the Southern one, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's always she's meddling, you know?

she is sticking it where it don't belong sure thank you so then this brings us to the Jake storyline the third and final I believe appearance of this contractually obligated crossover between Beverly Hills Nanituno and Melrose

place and it is the weakest of the bunch because it's just Kelly Steve and David David at the gap of all places it looks like and this is I mean I and I don't know Steve I guess maybe like in the 90s, like the Gap had a little more cachet than it does now.

But I was like, would Kelly Taylor shop at the Gap? It seems so basic. It does. Well, I mean, I guess at the same time, though, if you think about those like 90s, I mean, I remember the Gap being like a really kind of almost a high end item, especially back then. And like, you think about those gap sketches on 902 on SNL. Oh, sure. Yeah.

It was like a phenomenon back then. Back then, everyone used to like shop at the tractor store. Exactly. Supply or whatever. That's a really good point, Eric. Whoa, a clothing place. It was a big thing. Casual denim?

Different colors of denim? Wait a second. This comes in carpenter and regular. We've also opened a tractor store kids and a tractor store boutique. Tractor store baby.

Old sale, tractor store. Tractor store active. That's... I love how Jake's storyline starts though He and Sandy are doing laundry That's right In the basement and he is flat out being like Dude I know you're like the Woody Woodpecker

Of this apartment complex But I'm telling you right now I did not commit statutory rape With this high school student I promise you that Yet by the way but she's coming over tonight So I'm washing my sheets Yeah

Yeah it's like dude I get it Like but you got to be a little more firm when you're talking with others about this that you plan on telling her that it's a no-go. Because she's a little girl, you know, I'm taking her to the grocery store for a date. Yeah. You can't take her to a bar or anything.

I don't take her to the grocery store. I do love, I mean, just to finish the gap scene, it's just like, oh, it's just Stephen David being like, I don't know about this, Jake. And it's like, fucking, we've got this already. We really, we were on fucking fumes here. It's so useless. The one thing, though, to point out because it's pretty glorious and it makes me excited to eventually, you know, quarantine show or no, get to season three of 902 and O because the Steve Sanders mullet has returned in full force.

Holy mackerel, it is just, it's glorious. It reminds me very much if you've ever read 90s Superman when he has a mullet. I mean, it's brown versus blonde, but it's curly and long very much like this. They gave Superman the duck's ass Yeah, oh dude, he's got a full on mullet for like You know, four or five years It was a long time for that mullet Oh, yikes, that's horrendous No fucking superhero can save the world with a mullet Can I tell you something

Since we did the 90210 Very, like just the last week Where David, David's father No, no, no, no Kelly's mother wants to meet David's father Oh no, it's, Steve's mother wants to be David's father Oh, so it's not this because I was like I felt like I was in a Terrence Malick movie

and I had time jumped when they say we're step siblings. I'm like, what? What just happened? It is, I mean, it's further on. They do David's dad and Kelly's mom get together and. Oh, I thought I totally, I was like, did they say something about step siblings? Oh, and then I just, I just kept watching.

Because Kelly, I'm your brother. It's like, stepbrother. He's like, yeah, I know. That's what makes it legal. Oh, well, that's, I mean, that's a good question. You raise Eric. Steve, can you, can you, can you weigh in on this? Is there any funny business there? There's no... Well, there's like, he wants to fuck her for a really long time and then the joke

is, oops, now they're step-siblings and then eventually becomes very platonic. But at the first, it's like, hello, step-sister, kind of a thing. Well, because I think in the pilot of this, he's got his arm around what's her face, Donna. Are they an item or no?

They become an item, yes. I see. Gotcha. Senator, they become an item. I can answer in the affirmative. They become an item. Day four of the Beverly. Hells 90210 trial Mr. Shadak in season four, does Donna

and David get together? And also, why does she remain a virgin for quite so long? Oh, is that a Donna plot? Absolutely, dude. I'll go through the whole goddamn thing right now. We're going to have to talk off the ears. We'll take this off.

So, Jake does take Kelly shopping because he can't, he's like, he's like, I'm going to make you dinner because I'm so fucking poor. And she's like, okay, cool. And he's like, you probably wouldn't like me taking you to Taco Heaven anyway. And she's like, what?

I mean, first of all, take me right to Taco Heaven. That's where I want to go when I die, dude. You know, it's better to rule in Taco Hell than serve in Taco Heaven. That's what they say are. And so they're like, they're at the thing. They're at the counter now. Kelly. And like, it is kind of just sick because she's like, I got these cookie dough.

It's my favorite. And like, she's a kid, dude. You got to stop this. But then she goes on to be, it's even, it's kind of way worse. Because when you set up like the kiddie shit where she's like, oh, ice cream. Yeah. But then she's like, Parmesan Reggiano. Oh, supposed to be a great aphrodisiac.

And I was like, what? For what, my asshole? Like fucking powdered cheese. Okay. I remember a Parmesan story why it's not an aphrodisiac was my mother had this. We grew up in Italian family. There's this huge thing of Parmesan, like fresh-graded Parmesan from the deli, and I wanted to sneak some, and I was wearing a sweatsuit at the, I got an honest-to-goodness heavy, heavy sweatsuit at the time, and I got it all over me, like, Parmesan everywhere, everywhere. Like, is it snowing?

And so I was like, oh, fuck. So I, like, put it through it in the laundry, which happened to be in, like, the, like, right next to the living room. That's where the laundry basket was. And all day, it was like, something smells like shit. What is that? What is going on? It smells rotten. And basically, like, I ruined all of the clothes in the laundry basket with this thick parmesan smell.

Oh, God. You should have used the incinerator. Oh, yeah, that parmesan got stuck on a fence. That always happens in Parmesan. So they get to the counter and. he's you know he's like kelly i'm going to pay for you babe because you know this is what i could afford and they're like it's 43 50 and jake pulls out 2 20s like oh fuck and then kelly's like it's okay i'll forego the one thing i wanted yeah totally also it's kind of hilarious because like this

is the uh it's like the the los angeles in the 90s version of a dude takes out his wallet and a moth flies out. It's like a dude takes out his wallet and there's literally only two 20s in it and the whole grozies door goes what, wah! The air like gets sucked out

of the fucking place. It's such a fucking douche chill and she has to be like oh, you know what, too many calories anyway or something like that. Let's take that out. Let's take the luncheables out.

Let's take the fruit roll-ups out. I guess I won't need a juice box on the way home after all. All right, this Disney Princess coloring book that's going to go. Daddy, can I keep the dunkeroo's, Daddy? Exactly. It is so really uncomfortable. We'll make our own dunkerooze.

You and me together. That's right. This is the 16-year-old girl that I'm having sex with. Grocery store. Hello, grocery store. It's me. Now we can keep the Hawaiian punch, honey. So they wind out, they go back to his place.

He's trying to make, and this is some fucking. white, speaking about growing up Italian family, this is some white bullshit lasagna he's got going on here. Red onions and cucumbers get the fuck out of here. I don't know what's going on there, but I'll tell you what's kind of funny is Grant Show was clearly actually

cutting those onions because like Kelly is so horny that she's all over him while he's trying to cook these onions and they have this like close up of the two actors of Grant Show and Jenny Garth and like you can see Grant Show's like actually crying. from the onions? Because I was like, yeah, because I was like, well, Jake doesn't give a shit about this person and wouldn't be crying over the situation. But like, there's just this like single gentle tear rolling down his face. So, you know, she's like trying to put the moves on him. He's like, oh, I don't know, blah, blah, blah. And then he gets a call and he makes some sort of like really cryptic remark. And he's like, oh, no big deal. They start baking out. Then all of a sudden, this woman shows up. And she's like, Jake, we had a date tonight. What's going on? Who is this? And blah, blah, blah. I don't know.

Margo. Well, that's the thing also, by the way, is this is Margo is the bartender at Shooters. Oh, is she? Okay, I missed that. We've seen her earlier in the episode already. God. With the Billy and Allison, or maybe with the Ronda storyline. I initially was like, oh, my God, is this he's trying to get a three-way going on here? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Who knows? But he, you know, she's like, oh, blah, blah, blah. I can't believe this.

and he goes outside like there's a big blow up and they go outside it's like favorite part of any episode thus far is she's like did I do a good job Jake did I do a good job yeah it's good acting

thanks a lot Margo here's a bottle of wine as we prearranged this fucking wino doing acting for fucking booze totally dude we'll dance for booze anything you want Jake

you want me to play a school principal next week i just need the red stuff did i miss that i thought she brought it for their date or oh did she oh i thought it was payment okay all right he does he does at least give it back to her though right and then he goes back inside and and like and you know because now kelly's like what the fuck man and she and he just goes i feel nothing for you or anybody and though i could hide my cold gaze and when you shake my hand you'd feel flesh gripping yours but i'm simply not there it is so fucking dude just break up with this 16 year old girl it's so easy to do you just say hey it's not legal i'm too old for you i'm not that even be like you want to be rude about it like i'm not that into you you know like i thought thought it was but i'm not blah blah blah it's better off for everybody if we don't see each other then do this fucking like saved by the bell prank that you're pulling on her there's not even fucking cell phones yet you could ghost someone so easy exactly well not when she keeps fucking showing up at your apartment Well, you just tell Mel Rose to keep burning the garbage.

And that's kind of, I mean, then Jake goes back to shooters and it's like, I guess I am an empty vessel. You and me, Sandy, we're going to kill everybody. And she's like, that's right, baby. They start, like, shooting pool. And it's the first time he actually says it. He's like, she was too young. And I'm like, dude, if you came to that fucking realization three episodes ago, you could have saved us a lot of time. and the Jake character could be developed a little more.

I also love this fucking shell game you're pulling on the poor teenage girls you're trying to get to watch this show, which is like, hey, all your Beverly Hills 902 and O fans are going to be friends are going to be here. Yeah, they're going to be in for about six and a half minutes and maybe some Kelly stuff, but that's about it. Well, they're kind of hoping that you're like hooked

by all the other intrigue. Oh, sure. Will Jane fuck Michael? I don't know. Well, if Kelly's into Jake, then I should be into Jake. But if they're going to be into me, of course. I'm so charming. That's right, everybody. You got to stay at the party. You never know what job I'm going to have next week.

I do love, though, like, so the end of it, the end of the episode is it ends on the Jake storyline because it's after Sandy gives the ring back to Jane. And, like, you know, Jane and Michael close the door and go to bed. And, like, like, Jane and Michael close the door and go to bed. is sitting on the steps and it's like, you know, oh, I guess we're, you know, human beings after all, maybe. I don't know. Good night, Sandy. Good night, child. And, like, she goes upstairs and he lives downstairs and they have like, you know, they look at each other. And the sexophone

is running wild, like fucking fire in a dry field. The sexophone is spreading. It's the early 90s baby. We had to do it. And all incredible. An old fat Darren Starr is looking up from the other peeking out through his window blinders seeing like, oh, these characters can go. They're not sexy enough for me. They're not yeah, yeah, yeah, they got to go. Meanwhile, Billy is in the middle. Not Billy. Matt is in the middle of eyes wide shut at this other party that we never get to see. Matt. It's like you cut to Matt and his bad sneakers and it's just like, boom, bong, bong, boom. Bong, bong. Listen, Matt, it's me, Cindy Pollock. That girl didn't die for nothing. And that caps it off. Yeah, that's kind of the episode. I mean, I guess I'll ask now that we're finally doing 902 and O characters in this.

And this is the way we're ending the show for now anyway. How excited is everybody for episode four coming up? I'll start with you, Eric Siska. Episode four of Melrose plays? Yes, Melrose. You know, it's funny? It's like I've been enjoying 902 and Melrose place. pretty thoroughly on these rewatches,

first watches for me. I'm excited for the next one, but now I'm like hankering to get back to 902 and oh. Every single episode that we trade off on, I'm like, what are they talking about in that high school? Andrew. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I'm excited to continue on both, especially Melrose, though, dude, for next week, strap in everybody's special guest star, Zach Galligan as Allison's pseudo co-worker, I believe,

Rick Danworth. Step co-worker. That means it's legal. Christopher Cabin. Oh, yeah. I like my sexy kids and my sexy adults separated. I don't want them to mix together. That's true. So I'm kind of looking forward to being just sexy adults from now on with this. Hopefully, I say hopefully fucking fingers crossed on that one.

But yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, we're all, I mean, now Dylan's on in the 902.1 feed. You've got your friends. Now, the 902 and O friends are fully gone here. Both are in full swing, and this virus seems to never be letting up. So, we will join you next Monday here on Melro 210. I have been Stephen Sadek. Andrew Juppen, Eric, Cisco, Chris Gab, remain indoors.

That was a hate gum podcast.