We Hate Movies - MELR0210 #8 - Melrose Place "For Love or Money"

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

On this week's Melrose Place episode of the ongoing MELR0210 quarantine project, the guys are chatting about the swing-and-a-miss, dull as dirt episode, "For Love or Money"! Originally airing back on July 29th, 1992, this episode features Alison dating that Gremlin-loving loser Rick who steals her ad campaign ideas; Jake not really ripping people off by selling sex paintings he actually made with his ex-partner in crime; and Rhonda totally ditching Matt after promising him she'd volunteer at his halfway house! And the best part of all, very little Michael and Jane! PLUS: Jay Leno orders a bride made entirely of denim?! MELR0210 is a new show we put together to help you pass the time during this necessary social distancing period. New episodes will air Mondays and Thursdays, right here on the main feed! So stay home, tune in, and yearn for the more innocent and sexy time of the 1990s! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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If you're not in love, send it back for a full refund. No return shipping, no restocking fees, every penny back. Shop now at washable sofas.com. Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply. This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to Melro 210, the quarantine side show. We Hate Movies podcast. I am asking everyone to put on their sunscreen and remain indoors because this quarantine ain't ever going to end. Because sunscreen's good for sex stuff, too. Yes, exactly.

That's very true. Put on rubbers, dude. Be careful out there. or in there wherever you are. I am joined by the rubber baron Eric Siska. There's Chris Cabin somewhere around here. I can't see him. And I got my eyes closed. I feel like Andrew Jupp is with us as well. Yo!

That's right. Still doing the Alf thing. Love it. It's dead in the ground. Are you making craps with the cat bones after you eat them? Or what's the deal with that? Yeah, dude. So I'm like planning it out. Like it depends on the cat that I can find. You know, I got a dick. project based on cat.

But yeah, I got a nice sweater going. Oh. A nice little lamp set here. Do you have a, like a deranged little old man to smoke crack with? Oh. I think that dude died recently.

He did die. I don't think anyone was that sad. I think he was supposed to be like a notorious asshole. Oh, really? Yeah. I thought he was cool aside from the drug. I mean, which I don't begrudge him at all. Oh, no, of course.

Everyone's got their problems. And everyone's, hey man. I have a grudge a drug user right now even at all a little bit. I'm not like some Jake Hanson fucking throwing people's cocaine around. This guy is on thin ice with me. So we are talking

about for love or money, Melrose Places, I want to say this is their fourth episode. Correct. It is and I can't believe they got a fifth. Original Avernate July 29th, 1992. This moralistic

horse shit, dude, get it out of my Melrose Place. Flush it down the fucking toilet man. Melrose Place is a place for sin, debauchery, possibly beastiality. Have none of this fucking righteous nonsense. Shake the pans.

That's it. It's Jane and Michael are bringing a goat into their apartment. Everyone's like, hey, what's with that goat? No, like, you'll fucking figure it out. Sorry, guys. I got, I forgot her anniversary. I got to make it up with beastiality. No, we're not milking it, idiot.

you know what derailed me immediately on this episode is it starts the cat you know damn oh yeah oh yeah we know the themes and then what does he say cast in alphabetical order like oh i didn't i couldn't piece that together guys thank you for telling me that thank you that's uh really that helps everything going that's just letting everybody know that no one's more important than anybody else that you know just because josie beset is the the first one, she's not the star of the show. Now, Chris, I mean, it's also there's children that might watch. We know

Steve and Andrew Portook. So, um, people need to learn the alphabet when they're young while they're learning about hornyness. Uh-huh. That's true, Eric. Horny alphabet. How about this? A new Fox show called Horny Alphabet. Oh, my God, hosted by Jeff Foxworthy.

Dude, I can't believe Fox is doing this Joe Exotic horse shit. What are they doing? I don't know what's going on here. It's like in conjunction with TMZ, or something. And I have to say, I've only watched like one episode of this fucking Tiger King nonsense. And like, it's gotten to a point now. When that show debuted this like Fox TMZ co-production, I was like, now it's gone too far. Now it's a thing where I feel like it's fucking ruined because it's just everywhere. It's kind of ruined. I watched it. We watched it like a couple of nights after it came out. We plowed through it. It's right in our wheelhouse,

trash pseudo-documentary. It's a documentary. But trash document. with trashy people, but the culture is taking it away from us and I don't like it. Yeah, definitely. I liked it when I watched it, but like, my Lord, it's getting too much. I didn't even hear about this Fox TMZ show. What, so what is this like a continuation? Yeah, it's like, oh, all the stuff we couldn't show you on Netflix or didn't want, you know, a different such and such and blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah, because the guy who looks like a Freddie Kruger with the black hat. Oh, right. Yeah. That guy, I think he sold all of it to Fox, all the extra stuff.

God bless him. God bless him. It was a real rogues gallery to figure out who was the worst. He might have been the worst. I mean, oh, you mean handsome Frank Miller? Yeah. Now, that's eerily accurate, Chris.

Now, because I only watched the one episode. Is this the guy who's like, he says that he came in and made Joe Exotic's web show? Yes, yeah. Okay, that guy, yep. Wow, Chris, that was scarily accurate. driving that guy. I came in with the experience and I might have burned

down that shed. Don't ruin it for the man. Oh, it's all right. I mean, yeah, but yeah. I mean, it was case in point last night. I went to watch it and I promise we'll talk about my most place. But I was like oh yeah, all right, let's get into the next episode of that. And I was like, episode two,

47 minutes. Hmm, I don't know about that. Better find something shorter. And then proceeded to watch a 47 minute episode of Deep Space. Yeah, I mean, honestly, Quark could show up on Tiger King, and I wouldn't be too surprised. Oh, look at all these humans killing each other over animals. He owes me 400 quadrangos, and I need it for the tigers.

Anyways, we start with... By the way, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a Walmart bus of spoiled meat that was being dropped off at DS9. Cabin made me realize I have been keeping... Because I'm in my notes, like I mentioned last time I think, I'm breaking stuff up into... plots a b and c yeah but i have a special place now for non plots which is the first thing we're going to talk about i'm guessing but also stuff like chris just said noticing things in the opening credits including what i think is a huge bullshit shot in the opening credits oh please grant show uh as jake opening that fridge in the middle of the night with his shirt off and those washboard abs

and i was like this motherfucker doesn't have the munchies man i'm the kind of guy that has the munchies Well, we should talk about that because that's kind of where we start. It's Michael and Jane working out, the running. And I'm like, that's all the show should be is like, hey, Billy, are you working out now? Because I want to use the gym down there. I'm going to go, I'm going to go do my abs, get my abs. Like, all these people are in incredible shape, and they're never working out except for Michael in a doctor's suit shirt. Dude, a cat in the hat shirt specifically.

It's crazy. It's something he's got at the Basis Day parade. Like, it's just nuts. Dude, any, like, you know, Joe Blow off the street in L.A. that morning could see him running with Jane and be like, that crazy man's chasing that poor woman. And these two are having a fun run and I don't appreciate it. Yes, it's true. Fun isn't, you know, exercise isn't supposed to be fun kids. Yeah, no, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. In shape, fucks. So they run in and Jake is working on his bike. I guess I, yeah, I guess Allison would have the A story here by your metric, Andrew. And then Jake would be the B. that's correct and Matt as is the C oh my God dude it is it is A B and then

fucking let's go back to talking about the opening credits some more and then the C plot yeah he should be on uh what's his name uh briscoe county junior because he's on a high fucking horse wow what a reference you know that would have slayed back when the show is on the air

that's what I was trying to think here you should have mailed it into Lennon You know, folks, you're watching this Melrose place. He says, Matt, you might as well be on bicycle, Canning Jr., because of the high horse. Phyllis doesn't let me watch that show. It gets a little too sexy for me, and I feel it's gets jealous. I like Jake's, I like Jake's motorcycles. Yeah.

You know, I'd watch a show called Jake's Garage. Yeah, you see, you have a Jake. Yeah, he's working at a coffee store, but it gets fired. Maybe you should get hired by friends. That's a special perk, I guess. So Mavis is concerned that it's too horny for Jay because he starts jacking off when the motorcycle comes out. Oh, Mavis, is that his wife's name?

I've been calling her Phyllis. Yeah, whatever. Whatever, some name you haven't heard since the Great Depression. Some denim babe. So Allison's story. It's got to rub off all that indigo. Oh, my denim babe. You didn't expect me in my army of denim babes.

I paid $10 million and had a woman made a denim. And I get type of sex with her all the time. Yeah. I went to the doctor from under my skin and he made me a denim babe. I call it Gene. Come on. How did I not see that coming? Oh, I don't know.

I feel like I blindsided myself with a bus. So, yeah, it's Allison. She's at her office. she got a flirt going on with this guy by the name I'm just going to call him Zach Gallaghan I don't get his name's Rick I believe Oh no no no no didn't you get it

It's no earth boy He's the son of the Sun tan lotion baron of L.A. or something Yeah dude much like Abe Fromman Sausage King of Chicago It's this dude Sun tan king of Los Angeles Yeah so he's like

flirting with her he keeps like giving her all sorts of snacks like he's in the mail room and like leaving her fun different snacks and she's like oh my god and she's like she's into him which you know he's a good looking guy this is like yeah it's a 1992 Zach Gallagin that's totally fine it's two years after Gremlin I don't know if Gremlins I don't know if

the Zalman King's really started up yet two years after Gremlin's two Gremlins too apologies so Zalman King that was like a late night like porno show or something yes that was the Red Shue Diary Right. Oh, he was in, oh yeah, Zach Allegan did. Was he performing in these? What was going on with this? Un-sumulated. No, very simulated. He was just a, no, he's just done a bunch of like late night Skinimax kind of like stuff. I know that he went that route, but what I'm asking is like, is he playing the mailroom guy on those shows or is he like fucking people? Is he pumping? Is he pumping people? I think he was fucking people. Interesting. What about Grimlins? Was he fucking grimlins? He's fucking that lady gremlin.

he didn't do that who did that that other guy Robert Picardo yes yes I was about to say Voyager oh god yeah so they're like eating in there like outside they're like kind of having a little bit of a work date and then he really

asks her out this is when she finds out that he is this like she it's kind of weird where Allison's I mean Allison's like just such a nothing character and a wimp a total fucking whip which we'll get into Oh, my God, dude, total pushover.

And she's like, you don't know where she's going, because she's into him, but then the second she finds out that he's like the heir to the suntan lotion empire, she's like, well, hello there, Mr. Suntan, man. Yeah, it's ridiculous. I mean, is this where they get like a little lunch together outside? Yes. Yeah, that's how she finds out.

Right, I want to bring up something in this scene because it was very pivotal to everything we know about Allison as a person, which is number one, nothing. and number two that she likes peanut butter she does she had peanut butter on celery she brought to work and Zach Gallagin's like

this means you like peanut butter and it's like so far that's been most of the characterization of this character that's true we know two things better she went to college and she likes peanut butter hey Rick Rick

if you don't want to pay for my peanut butter you stop picking up my peanut butter that's my celery stick you will want to give me 50 cents or give it back. Don't got me start on on Allison's

peanut butter Rick. Oh, I heard this story a thousand times what a sob tale all. I also get so

upset when I put it on my balls and talk to the dog. Just talk to the dog. We're just talking. Just hanging out

talking with the dog peanut butter I'll make that. I'm so sorry. The dog is an adult Billy's an adult that just in a room they're just talking.

So what do you think about the thock market? Did you see this interesting article, The Economist? So she agrees to the date. She also, we meet this other, this boss character, this female boss, whose name I don't care to bother. Miss Cabot. Miss Cabot.

And she goes, wow, she is just so confident, which really made me laugh. There was a couple of banger, L-O-L lines for me on this episode, one of which being, she's so confident. It made me crack up. so she goes to she she goes home she's getting ready for this date with this dude and it just the the the set like everybody needs to stay out of my business here on milrose place i'm not today alison i know it's just like everybody needs to leave me the fuck alone i'm going on a date i would like to go on a date with a guy that's not here no because people are going to cross the corridor or

whatever this courtyard yeah yeah okay in l.a they got courtyards in in new york we got corridors. Crossing this courtyard with this come and get me dress. Oh, Allison needs to wear this because that's a guaranteed fuck. Yeah, it's like, okay, here's the thing. Sandy and Rhonda burst into this apartment

because they're fighting over, like Sandy's like, I got the perfect dress for Allison to get fucked in, y'all. And then Rhonda's like, excuse me, that's my come fuck me dress. And then like as they're fighting, they just enter the apartment to give it to her together.

And I was like, excuse me, I did not hear a single fucking knock on a door anywhere. And poor Billy's getting out of the shower. Not poor Billy at all. He's just like, oh, hey ladies, how's it going? Don't mind me and my fucking shower towel. Look, Sandy.

Look, Sandy. We need that dress because otherwise no man would find either of us attractive. At all. It would be a fucking get gay. But Allison is like in a towel. in this sequence and so is Billy it is very weird

and she's just trying to get dressed I don't even know what the conversation was was Allison like hey Sandy do you have anything or she was just like hey Allison you going on a day girl because I got some sex stuff for you here's some ludes here's a dress hey Allison here's the problem

y'all I heard through the grapevine y'all have a date where everybody knows you're famous for being terribly dressed like that's pretty much what it is I don't think there was any solicitation on the part of Allison to get this fuck me dress. And Rhonda wants the juicy

details. Get the fuck out of my house. Here's where it's just like, you know what, Rhonda? I sucked his dick. I sucked his dick in the parking lot. Is that what you want to hear? Get the fuck out of my apartment. Neither of you knocked. It was mediocre. I didn't swallow. How about that? Oh my God. Did he

like splatter on the asphalt then? Probably. Hey, Michael was out there yelling about those oil spots too. Hey, this is going to stain. This is going to stain out here. That's right. Michael was upset that Jake was fixing his motorcycle in the courtyard where oil could congregate in a pool underneath it. And his rent is late. By the way, the rent is like seems to be weekly here. It's like a fucking flop house. Yeah, Jesus. I think these kids are week to week, dude. They have to be.

So, um, uh, Zach Allen shows up and Billy's like, well, I'll enter the door on my towel. Hey, you better have her home by 11 o'clock. That's her curfew. I'm like, you know what, dude? You got to move out. Honestly, this is really uncomfortable. That was it. That was literally the last draw. Like here's the thing. If you want to be the funny dude and you open the door in a dude towel with your fucking ripped Andrew's shoe abs, that's fine. But then he like keeps pushing it and he makes the comment about curfew. And he's like, oh, don't worry about it, Alice. Me and Rick talked already. And it's like now it's gone.

Now you've ruined the joke. Now you're into another territory. I think this actually writes her off as a romantic lover for. Rick, because then Rick's just like, I'm going to steal her ideas now and get ahead at the job. And she's obviously got this weird relationship going. So fuck that. I don't want to get involved in that. Hi, Alth. Would you like to have the worst parts of having a boyfriend with none of the good ones? I'm the whole packet. Yep, that's right. There's pubic hairs on the toilet and you never have sex with me. It's everything you've ever wanted.

But I get jealous and very protective for no reason. So they go on this day And I don't want us to lose What I think is the greatest extra In the history of this show so far Is the guy Standing outside of this restaurant Playing the saxophone

That looks exactly like old man Billy Crystal Looks right now I missed him I blink that I missed It's so dumb because like Instead of showing an establishing shot of the restaurant You have this guy playing the saxophone. He looks like Billy Crystal now, which is to say Billy Crystal, the older he gets,

the more he just looks like an old Jewish woman, and I love it. And so it's that guy, he's playing the saxophone. And there's these two people standing way too fucking close to the saxophone player. And they give him a tip or something. And then it's like, they kind of like pull into the restaurant and you realize like, oh, this guy was just playing outside the restaurant. Yeah. But then you can hear the guy's fucking saxophone inside the restaurant. He doesn't have a spot. He's a walking saxophonist. He's just going down the street blown into his sacks.

Kevin, you're totally right. I got it fucking on the TV right now and it's that exact scene. He just walked by the restaurant. I will say not since the quarantine, but there is a guy in Jersey City. There's like an open kind of, I wouldn't call it a courtyard. It's like a pedestrian mall kind of thing. And there will be a dude that plays

saxophone in the middle of the afternoon in the spring sometimes. And it's pretty sexy. That's magical. It's totally great, but you can't have this Billy Crystal motherfucker walking down sunset boulevard dude well steve does he look like billy crystal at all no he looks like a tweaker he's got a tweaker vibe to him nobody's going right up his arm you know how that goes it's funny that uh the older billy crystal gets the more he looks like his character in the prince's bride yes no that's me it's exactly correct and it's very hilarious um so

they're having a nice little date he kind of you know he's explaining like oh it's so hard to be a poor little rich boy like you know i have to work so much harder than everyone just to get ahead it's like no you fucking don't well he's working in this mail room like this is the bullshit thing right he's working in this mail room his old man is a fucking sunscreen magnet and it's like you know it's it's that thing where like he's going to do this job for like two years get nowhere and then the the old man's going to be like all right you're a fucking embarrassment you can just get on the doll with everybody else now well it's just no he's working as hard as max landis you know it's just like you're out there and you're trying to make it and you're just you're like

you're saddled by that last name you know everyone's like oh wow you're another land is like no man I'm my own landis I'm my own landis I want to be my own landis I don't know what's worse though man that shit well like that fucking piece of shit's never going to make another movie but like god or like you're like the right man and you're like now I'm just going to remake a movie my dad did well he was a landis got stopped because he got fucking rightfully me-toed before that fucking American Werewolf movie can get off the ground. Exactly. Yeah, no, he was about to do the exact

same thing. You're right. I forgot that was happening. Oh, yeah. I do agree with you about Ivan Reitman. Why are we hiring Ivan Reitman when you should be looking for the right man for the job? Yeah. I don't have crickets here, Eric. I can't just put them up.

I forgot to fucking set up the cricket soundboard. Well, I'm sure there. You know, someone's listening to this in a field. no someone slapped their knee to that they appreciated it no so she's like wow you know i just always i love your dad's sunscreen he's like you do and she's like yeah you know i was even thinking about this about a great campaign he's like well why don't you tell it to me and she's like you know i just think that sunscreen is so 90s right now you know it's ecological it helps people it's good for you it's sexy and i want to make a sexy sunscreen thing where it's called hotter than

then the burn. And this idea is so good that this kid has to steal it word for a fucking word. Like, what a girl? Oh, fuck! The scene, and there's a great thing I don't want to skip over with the scene of him pitching it to that boss

is one of the funniest fucking douche chill moments I have seen on the show so far. But I don't want to miss they come home from the date and they've had this fun back and forth convo back at that lunch meeting in the parking lot. where she's like something, something about office romances, this, that, and the other thing.

Zach Gallaghan's fucking line right here as he's walking her home is, what do you think of office romances so far? And Allison is fucking all for Zach Gallaghan right here. They start making out. Meanwhile, Billy is doing the rear window treatment. Oh, yeah, dude, he's looking through the blinds. It's incredible. I mean, here's the thing about the suntan thing.

If he wasn't a piece of shit, I would think that she is like trying to pitch me. Yeah, totally. This was all for nothing. Like, oh, she, so she's just as fake as I am. Fucking fantastic. That's what Ms. Cabot says to Allison when this whole thing blows up in her face. But I thought that was like obvious from the get-go. And I was just like, what is this is a big reveal?

Again, the only thing we know about Allison is fucking peanut butter. We have no idea what her idea. Like, we find out now that she actually wants to be in advertising. like she really wants to be like a pitch lady or something and I mean I get they're still finding the character but it's taking them quite a while she'll yeah so the next day she goes to work she overhears uh Zach Galligan now Rick uh talking oh you know giving the exact same pitch word for word to the boss she's like wow Rick that's the best fucking idea I ever heard which he's clearly just saying because it's the boss's son she knows who's who you know

what I mean it's not like absolutely it's like oh wow man uh fucking bright what a great what a great idea Max their orcs and their cops wow we got to make this movie we got to oh another movie where a woman falls in love with the assassin my god we fucking need it now more than ever did he what was that called like

something ultra? Mr. Wright oh Mr. Wright oh with Sam Rockwell yeah did he do what was that movie with Jesse Eisenberg and Kaste do that's also him that's American Ultra Jesus Christ that kid sucks and what is this Victor Frankenstein

Holy shit. Okay, here's some money. That's something else. You put a name in front of another name. So she's, and then, like, Allison gets really pissed on. And then that's, I don't know what Rick's angle is here. Like, he's clearly mostly trying to have sex with her as well. Do you think both are possible? Like, you have to understand once you do one, the other one is not possible anymore.

Except. Okay. Except for one thing, Steve. It could turn into, because this is the advice that Ms. Cabot gives, because the douche still thing I was mentioning was Allison is literally two and a half feet away from both of them when she overhears it. So he's basically telling this to Allison

it's like I was fucking cackling. Classic Meg. Totally. But this Miss Cabot is like, hey, listen, this shit's going to happen all the time, you know, so you got to fucking buck up and deal with it. It could, Steve, turn into a thing where they are both

stealing ideas from one another and hate fucking. Oh, the hate fucking. I don't know. I've never run into that in the wild. I've only seen that on porn hub. Yeah, I mean, it's out there. No, you're thinking of revenge porn. I see.

I hate fucking, yeah. You dislike someone so much, you find them so irresistible. That's a cheers thing. That's never really happened in real life. The thing is, that's what Sam and Diane is. It's hate fucking.

Oh, absolutely. But that's what I'm talking about. But the thing is, like, Allison, like, she finds out immediately. she goes to Rick and she confront somebody's like, no, it's not your idea. I had that idea first. I just didn't tell you about it or some nonsense lie.

She's like, well, I'm going to go tell the boss. And it's like, obviously this isn't going to work out. Obviously, like, that's not how like real, the real world works. Like if you get sexually harassed, you tell the boss, someone steals your idea, you just fucking, you come up with a better one next time.

You know what I mean? The New Yorker is stealing my ideas. But no, you're totally right. It's like, look, you shouldn't have let the cat out of the bag and like honestly like first of all it's fucking sunscreen it's one of the most innocuous products of all time nobody gives a shit you think I've ever bought the same brand of sunscreen intentionally

ever once in my life no of course not learn the lesson from grade school nobody likes a tattletail period but it's also just a bad pitch fucking hotter than the burn you know burn is not good yes it's true I know you like put the word hot in there because it's the go go

90s but it's a bad pitch and they don't even go with it when they get to the final meeting with his father. It's the beach. Thank you for saying the 90s, Eric, because now I need to remember when she confronts him. She's like, hey, that was my pitch. She's like, I don't know, Allison, you know,

we're all listening to the same shock jocks in the morning. We're all watching the same MTV videos. Dude, it's so, it's so awesome because it's him. You're watching Zach Gallaghan's character fucking. rounding right on live TV because he has that whole thing and then he runs into the fucking bathroom to try to escape from her and she

follows him into the can and I was like a woman in the men's bathroom oh the go-go-90s I love the idea that we would we're all listening to the same not just we're all listening to Shock Jocs we're also to the same shock jock okay in a sea of shock jocks Allison we are

listening to the same one we all heard Jenna Jameson on the Sibbean we all did it that's when I first thought of hotter than the bird so like she um the boss is just like hey dude suck it up come up with a better idea next time or maybe you should work with him blah blah blah and this is when Allison just quits her job I guess

yep which is a thing you can do she just she grabs the box she does the whole thing and storms out of the office I'm like oh okay so you just quit your job and that's you just lost your job by quitting it right absolutely that works everyone saw you with with the with the box she says you know something miss cabot is like you know

well something something for next time and Allison's like I don't think there's gonna be a next time and I'm like oh okay right there you quit your job and what happens Billy fucking convinces her to pull a George Costanza he does because she's like she's home and she's eating like it's like your bullshit 90s sitcom nonsense I scream at Captain Crutch

I appreciate it that Captain Crunch made an appearance himself. Did anyone notice that the big wooden spoon she's eating with the ice cream with is completely empty this whole scene? And she keeps putting in her mouth like it's fucking hook. Oh, really? She's just eating a bunch of blue

frosting. So yeah, she's not eating. And he's like, I don't know how I'll say you can't let this guy get to you like that. Just go back in there and tell him what's what. Just walk in like nothing happened. And she does.

And the boss is like, well, it's good to have you back, Allison. I'm like, no, you fucking quit. A, you're just, not to say just the receptionist, but you're the receptionist. You, they're, there are, you, you can get cycled out pretty easily, you know what I mean? Yeah, this lady doesn't give a fuck about you? But Steve, doesn't she see a little bit of herself and Alice's ultimate? Oh, sure.

I always forget about your, your premier dramatic writing degree, Chris, and I just can't see these things. well she does miss cabot has a fucking heartbreaking line though when she says it's something something about the office romances oh because billy er uh billy rick sends her a rose like after their date before he steals the fucking pitch

and she's like oh looks like someone at a good time and she's like yeah Allison's like I don't know about it or whatever and this woman goes take time to smell the roses is, oh, Lord knows I never did. Oh, I was like, hello, Kathy Cartoon. I haven't been fucked in 30 years, Allison. But thank God for chocolate.

So the idea is she needs to do a pitch with Rick for his dad, which is super awkward anyway. Oh, yeah. And they, like, have to do a work meeting. And he's like, so what ideas you got? She's like, I don't care, mister, you could do it yourself. And then she storms off. And she comes up with a great idea, which is like,

A, completely different than the idea that she pitched originally. Well, you can't use the fucking stolen one. No, but I mean, like, you know, if it's, if the idea is like where like sunscreen is for sex, then all of the ideas in this campaign should be sunscreen is for sex. You can be having sunscreen is for sex, but then it's also like, I protect you. I'm a fireman. Like, whatever nonsense this shit is. But, dude, that's the thing, Steve.

I mean, we've all watched. Mad Men here and Steve, you're going through a rewatch right now. All advertising is is fucking vomiting up garbage onto a board and praying to God something sticks. So it's like oh, if you don't like that direction, cool. We can go

the non-sexy direction. We made fun of it, but it really is about confidence. Like what she likes about her is like, oh, you can sell fucking garbage to these idiots. We're selling garbage. What she tries to sell is that like that false pastiche that we like to throw in society of like, oh, here's the fireman and here's everyone being happy together

and you're protected when you're with us and you're protected when you wear this sunscreen because all these people also wear it. Fucking Rick's counter thing is amazing because it's just like it's a before and after kind of riff. Okay, so this woman's got horrific skin cancer. And we just put that on the screen for a while. But here's what she would look like if she didn't have horrific skin care.

And the dad is just like, uh, that all you got? Oh, my God. It's so he's like, uh, what else you got, Ricky? So that was part one of, uh, many, right? Yeah, you got something for, oh, crap. Oh, yeah, this is his name is Victor Frankenstein, huh, Max? That's, that's, yeah, that's great. Esther Werewolf sounds phenomenal.

John Dracula, sign me up. How are you doing, uh, John Dracula? Oh, hey, Larry from the Black Lagoon. How you doing? I think, yes, I'm the Ian man. Oh, the kid sucks. Donald Trump. He's born in the monster party for sure.

Absolutely. But the biggest most insane garbage fucking turn of all of this is when that dad is putting Zach Gallagher on the spot, he's totally frozen. And it's like, this is it, dude. Allison, you're saying, fucking cutthroat man like here it comes and she's just like oh actually

Rick what about that other great idea you had oh I forgot to give you all your great notes back after we talked about this yesterday and she fucking just gives this guy another idea yes which and he's like thanks and it's like this really sweet thing like that's not growth for the character

either like I don't think it's being cold-blooded by letting somebody fucking fail who fucked you over five minutes ago that dude was the first one on the front lines of fucking her. And he's in front of his father. Of course it doesn't matter. Exactly.

This whole thing's a fucking show, Cabin. You're totally right. Get out of the fuck out of here. Hey, Allison gets a gigantic Hershey kiss out of it. Oh man, now she's getting paid in chocolate. Excellent. I'm sure Mr. K will love that

in the fucking red check. I love being treated like a child. Oh, man. I fucking love it. And the boss is like, well, you did a great. I know it was your idea, truly, Allison. And you know what? I do see a little bit of myself and you, don't I? And, like, kind of walks away.

And it's like, whatever. That's her storyline. Then we've got Jake. Yeah, he's, again, one, one, one day away from fucking skid row, man. This guy is a sack of shit. This guy is fucking terrible. So Michael is just like, hey, man, you owe rent. and what are you going to do about it?

He's like, all right, man, I'll get you the fucking red dude. It's like, I know, but all right. He's like, I'm going to get a job today. Today I'm going to get a job. He's aggressively poor. Being aggressive about it. This is a weird thing because this has happened. Maybe it was also with Jake in a previous episode

or was another character maybe. The notion of like, all right, fine. It's like they treat getting a job like you're going to take out the trash. Yes, exactly. Like, I promise you, all right, I'm going to go out today. I'm going to get a job. this afternoon, just shut up. And I'm like, boom, boom 90s, dude.

I guess it's just, it's such an unrealistic thing in present days and size. Look, I worked through all my statutory rape shit. I'm ready to be employed, baby. Let's go. That is true. This is the first time Jake's entire storyline does not involve dating a teenage girl. Yeah, that's a breath of fresh air. It's a step in the right direction for old Jake.

So he goes to speak of the boo boo'un 90s, a coffee shop, not just a coffee shop, but a fruit. through cappuccino something something macchiato Dennis Leary can't I get a cup of coffee anymore place It's it's ridiculous how much This is just a fucking Dennis Leary routine here and this

This like this This European fucking boss here This guy Claims that people Drive what does he say something like Miles Like me up miles to go

Get this coffee I'm like I don't know This place looks pretty unremarkable. Well, it's Los Angeles. They've got to drive Miles to do anything. Oh, that's true. True. This guy, you know, Jake's like, or he says something. The guy, it's a weird thing where he's like,

Jake comes in and he's like, hey, saw your help wanted sign. What do you need help with? And the guy is instantly like, oh, can you use this coffee maker? And Jake's like, yeah, it's just like, you know, a big deal, Mr. Coffee, whatever. And this guy's like, Mr. Coffee cannot make a Macchiato. Well, maybe if you want a job, Jake, don't show up in your dungeries with the wantad in your pocket and be like, hey, man, you got a job or what? Yeah, and lip off during the interview. Yes, exactly.

And, like, he's like, all right, so, you know, you could, you could do this, come to you. And he's like, sure, I'll do it. So now he's just working at the coffee shop. His ex-girlfriend shows up, played by none other than, what's her, Valerie Johnson or? Michelle Johnson. Michelle Johnson, that's right. of Blame on Rio fame. Oh, get out of fucking town.

You could drive a baby wild with desire, my friend. Yes, you could. Oh, my God. It's all coming back to me now. I know, dude. I just had a fucking anthed flashback. Question about Michelle Johnson and Zach Gallaghan. Sure.

Would they, I guess they'd be better off having landed roles like Allison and or J. or Billy specifically, right? Like, they would rather be cast members on Melrose Place, or would they rather get their guest spot in to keep their bullshit movie careers afloat? I think it's the latter. I think they really want to keep the movie stuff.

Because, like, Galligan, at that point, he's under, he has two franchises he's working on. One's much lesser than the other, but, you know. I mean, yeah, I guess waxwork is a franchise, Kevin. There's two of them, yeah. And people used to always look down on TV, right? Back then anyway. Before the golden age.

Yeah, but at the same time, like, you know, Michelle Johnson, yes, definitely could be on this show. Zach Allegan's just got too much of like a nice guy thing going. You know, he's not like sexy enough to live at, you know, Melrose place. It's very true. I mean, he doesn't want to hear it. And I'm sorry, Zach Allegan, but yeah, it's just the fucking truth. Excuse me, there's Melro. Yeah, I'm just saying that this guy's not sexy enough to live it here at my Melrose place.

It is, it is one week and done for this fucking. Goblin, you hear me? Now, you look, listen to me. I will pay Primo money to see Zach Galligan naked. Aliston, you get me that

and your rent is on mail. Oh my God, that Zach Gilligan's turning my little my little my little, uh, my little uh, gizmo into a gremlin. Oh, man.

Oh, you got it wet. Oh, you can't feed it after midnight, get, get. For can you? Oh, God, it makes me mogwine my pants. I know, don't put light on it. Don't put light on it. Mel Rowe here.

Michael, you and Jane better get up an exercise, then clean my apartment because you've got to be sexy and do my doable work. Yeah, you can stay here. You clean my apartment in the nude. So she shows up. She's playing Perry, by the way. And she got a much shorter haircut than, like, she's like punky looking.

She's got, like, a leather jacket. And she's like, oh, Jake working at a coffee shop, say, what? And he's like, do you own this? And he's like, you know I don't own it. Dude, she, does anyone recall, actually, I think this is the greatest line in the episode. Does anyone recall what she says to him while he's fucking steaming milk right here? Oh, yeah. Dude, I love the way you bury that nozzle.

Oh, man. And then there's some follow-up of like, yeah, you always did or something. And I was like, good Lord, this is broadcast television. And then he goes out for a coffee break with her. And the guy's like, where are you going, Jake? We had the five vaults behind. And he's like, it's a good if you break, okay? And he goes out there.

And she's like, remember when we used to fuck on this motorcycle? Dude, what is this? She's talking about. They fucking drove out to the desert and fucked on the motorcycle in the middle of the road. Nice, man. You know what I think also happened here. is Perry aged out for Jake because she used to be 17

now she's like 23 and he's like get the fuck out of here Perry he's like DiCaprio Hey Jake me and my friends are going out for margaritas for my 21st birthday Are you in? Jake? Hello?

Sounds like Jake's motor's likely He didn't even hang up the phone He just dropped and left. He went to go check out the action at a playground. So this guy's like, Jake, you better get back in here and fix these coffee orders.

It's very bud court Dennis Haysbird in heat. Yes, yes, it is. It is because like he knows that he's got a vulnerable dude on his staff that like is one step away from suicide and he's like, I can fucking run

this guy into the ground. It's kind of fucking hilarious here because, you know, the guy, he goes back in and the guy's an asshole again. Yes. and I don't remember what the guy says but Jake's quitting line to this dude is you bet your tight ass I'm

yes I have that written down that was one of my LOL well I mean like you can call someone a tight ass like oh my ex boss I mean what a fucking tight ass absolutely that's and everyone knows what you're talking about when you say your tight ass that's a different

connotation you're checking out this dude's fit buns that's a come on exactly you bet You're tight ass. I was like, excuse me. He was trying to say that the dude's up tight or something. Oh, absolutely. But that's not what he said.

And it's like, he storms out. And if we cut back to that dude in the cafe, he's like, well, say there, that man who worked here for three hours said I had a tight ass. Well, here's the difference. It's like, if I'm talking about Eric, and I'm like, oh, man, that Eric's a real tight ass. I was like, oh, yeah, tight ass. And I thought, you know what? That Eric, he's got a real tight ass. Everyone's totally different

Well I guess those butt pushups are finally paying off But he only quits after He goes to visit Perry at her gallery And this is when she invites him to do this grift with her Oh my God, this fucking grift Which she has said at some point before What is the fucking line? Oh, the line is, oh Jake, don't you remember being on the grift?

Oh yeah, remember when we were on the grift. And he's like, he's like, yeah, Perry, I guess that was fine. We just stole some bottles of cologne or whatever. And like,

because much like Dylan's quote-unquote dark past on Melrose on Beverly 9-2-0, the Jake quote-unquote dark past. It's always changing. It's like, did he kill somebody? I don't want to hire this guy at my coffee shop, man. I don't want him around here.

Why? That guy killed his fucking wife, man. I don't have the creepy vibe. He brings up my goddamn coffee shop. And my wife owns this coffee shop And she doesn't want to work it around here either I got to tell you

I just rewatched it the other night Still excellent. Of course it is So like she's He at first turns her down But then like you know Humdrum Life you know Kind of opens the door

And the grift is She's a dealer at an art studio And she's like Jake You know these people Buy anything I tell them to They're so stupid All I have to do is make up a fake bullshit abstract painting and they'll buy it for and you know sell you as the hot new sensation

and like here's the thing that's just the art world exactly it's not the entire art world but like guaranteed this happens this is kind of Andy Warhol you know what I mean it's like well this whole thing is like art it's the perfect crime yeah well exactly like it's not I mean like hey like you know if somebody wants to spend a thousand dollars on a painting that means it's art that's how that shit works exactly that dude with the fucking banana, $250,000. This guy was about to make you know, Jake was about to make tons of money

and maybe launch a new type of career and he's like, no, people in the odd world do drugs. That's, so that's the thing is the idea is she's going to sell him because, you know, he's a sexy looking dude. And if you sell him as a cool artist, he's the hottest new thing, right?

He's part of the piece. And you don't have to believe in art to do it. You don't have to believe in art to do it. Just do it. Just shut your fucking mouth, Jake. Listen, shut up. You're going to fucking make a ton of money. And guess what?

The best part of all of it, Jake? You're in Los Angeles. You are now part of the glitterati. And she even says, like, and the best part is we're not breaking any laws. Like, yeah, of course. That's what fucking, that's what commerce is. Look, Perry, I just can't betray Bandana guy, okay? I can't do it.

I just met him. He seems fantastic. I won't betray him. Perry has a fucking excellent line, though, when she's trying to sell him on this, where she says something about, like, she checked with. It's either lawyers or the police department. Which it's like, I fucking love this notion of like, hey, officer, can I talk to you for a quick second? Yeah, I had this idea to make a lot of money by lying to people.

I just want to make sure what I'm about to do is not against the law. Can you weigh in on that? Oh, no, no, no. He didn't, he wasn't a struggling artist at all. You're going to jail for quite some time. Oh, the death penalty. It doesn't make any sense So like Jake's into it at first

But like a little uncomfortable He means Of course he's into it He gets his fucking dick wet dude The way they're making this art Oh my god This is a sex painting right They're like dipping each other in paint

They're rubbing their bodies on the canvas I mean this is art Against the canvas I mean this is this is here's the thing This is like a performance art thing Yes you know It's like fucking Maud Lobowski You know what I mean

It's like we're news There's paint all over us. This is legit. Yeah, it's like if Jackson Pollock fucked during his paintings. It may have happened, dude. Him and Lee Krasner getting it out. I mean, he put a cigarette down on his painting because, you know, afterwards, you like to have a little smoke, watch a little Leno, go to sleep.

I feel like the producer and director, because they're both actors seem to be really into. I bet they're like, are they really fucking? You guys aren't fucking, are you? Because we get, you know, there's legal issues. just just keep it PG-13 guys Grant put your dick away Impressive by the way There's a great there's a great line though

Where they're dumping paint on each other And he goes I always liked you in red And Perry responds You always liked me in bed I was like oh writing for television And then he's like say it Say it's like God all right I got to do this real quick

I have homework tomorrow Oh Jesus It's the only way I could shoot is if you're on a homework deadline. So, you know, things are going well enough on the grift as it is. Did anybody else get a number on how many times she says grift? She says it quite a few times. It's six times.

Six times I have. Well, let me ask you this. Cabin, you keep track of how many times she uses the name Phil? Is that the other guy? That's, dude, this fucking guy, Phil, like they put on, when, when Jake initially visits the gallery. There's a song playing. And she's like, you know who this is? He's interested in my art. And it's like, Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil. And I was like, at first I was like, oh, is this a thing where there's a money problem and we can't license a Phil Collins song. She's just saying like Phil Collins is buying her art. This is Phil Collander. This is Phil Collander. It's great. Yeah. Right. But like then like there's this dude Phil. Who's just this fucking musician from fucking Skid Row. He's bandana guy. You guess that's bandana guy Right he's got like a giant scarf or whatever

You are totally well within your rights to rip this dude off You're absolutely fine Yes that's why people like to exist Exactly that's what they do They're like oh man this sexy lady and sexy Dude sold me this painting it sucks But I paid five grand for it That's how that shit works

Absolutely dude it's like you take one look at this guy And this guy might as well be wearing a fucking t-shirt That says please rob me So Jake's like Yeah he meets him it's fine And he gets to do it a little bit. She's like, oh, you didn't wear the outfit I told you. He's like, I don't like getting dressed for you, baby, because I'm Jake.

And then he goes, she excuses herself. He goes to talk to her in the background. He's like, you're doing cocaine? And the only, the only way this response is valid is if it's because he had massive problems with cocaine and she knows about it. Exactly. Yeah, but at the same time, she didn't invite him to go do cocaine. She went in the back by her fucking self. And this nosy guy's going like, what are you doing back there?

What are you doing back there? You're totally right, dude. You're totally right. And like a generous person offers him some. And he's like, which the answer is just, no man, I'm off that. I'm in rehab, whatever. And you got to respect that. You can't be an asshole about that.

Absolutely. That's their business. But she just goes, come on, Jake. And she kind of pushes, she doesn't push it in front of him. She kind of offers it to him a little more aggressively. And he flips this like $400 of cocaine all over. And he's like, and she's like, oh no, my cocaine. He's like, you're pathetic.

I'm like, no, that's a lot of money. Like whatever Phil pays for this fucking painting you guys are about to sell, half of that has to go for this spoiled Coke. And like, here's the thing, man, you can like not be down for whatever. You know what I mean? Like, I've been offered stuff I don't want. You just say a quick no thank you. I'm not flipping tables, man.

You're wasting all sorts of money. It's outrageous. And then he carries this out into the gallery room where he takes down the painting that they made. And he says, oh, you want this useless piece of shit? I'm not an artist here. You could have it. It's like, you're just being a fucking dick, man.

Like, here's the thing is if you write a screenplay and it's bad, but your intention was a bad screenplay, you're still an artist if somebody buys it. you know what i mean like that exactly right yeah i mean michael bay is an artist even if they don't buy it jake just making this painting makes him an artist and he doesn't seem to understand that she didn't kill him but she would be completely in her rights to kill him for doing that i feel oh wow too i think jake should be taken out into the desert on the back of that motorcycle not fucked and instead put into a shallow grave

dude buried with the bike you think or what no no get the bats out let's do a casino style Oh, yes. And I mean, I think this- Barry with the bike to, you know, cover up any evidence. You don't want to, you don't want to take it to a chop shop, and then, you know,

word gets around that you killed Jake and that's his bike. And I understand you don't want to glamorize Coke, blah, blah, blah, which is fine. But I mean, like, this is Melrose place. It's not a fucking after school special. Exactly. He just needs to be like, nah, man, I'm cool and they do it.

And then maybe that tells you something about her character that she will or something. But like this whole, like, after school, like, no way, I don't touch her. No, Steve, you're totally right and here's the Melrose place way to handle that. He walks in on her in the back room.

She's blowing some rails. He's not having it, but doesn't say anything. Then they get down to fucking again. And he's like, oh, right, I forgot. My good friend is terrible, she's a

terrible fuck when she's high on coat. And that's what turns them off. That's the mood. So then we get some more Jake and the Sandy stuff because they're trying to make Sandy work any way they can. We are just desperately trying to make Sandy work. And she's just like, I don't know, Jake, you're good God stuff. And like blah, blah, blah. He tells her that he's going to sell his motorcycle.

He goes to sell the motorcycle. Two, speaking of Tiger King, it looks exactly like the scumbag that rips off the Tiger King. Oh, Jeff Lowe. He looks a lot like Jeff Lowe, this dude. and he's like oh you know I can't buy your bike but man whoever did that work is a great A motorcycle mechanic

you know that's the funny things Stevie calls him an artist oh yes you were doing there every single business in the city of Melrose is saying jobs jobs for sale

here's everyone could have a job everyone could have a job like I don't know do I want to be a fuck do I want to be a taxi driver hey I'm a taxi driver maybe he would have sold that bad screenplay last week

if Allison let him. I mean, what Billy should do is hear about Jake's experience with the whole art scene and just do that. Hey, Billy, go pretend to be an artist. Hey, Billy, it's the fucking surplus. Maybe we got jobs everywhere. You can take jobs.

You can throw them away, get another one tomorrow, baby. Mr. President, you mistyled again. The only job they don't want you to get is a blow. Hey, dude, is Allison up or what? Oh, man, I accidentally dialed Melrose Place again.

Let me let's say. Alethon. Allison, do you want to talk to the president or do you know the date? Man, you know I don't want to talk to Matt. So, like, we get to, and he, that's, then Jake's like, ooh, I have a real job. That's exciting. So then we have Matt's bullshit story, which again, like,

this is week, like week full. we've never, like this is the first like real quote unquote Matt storyline and not that every storyline should revolve around him being gay, but they should say it once in a while, right? Like am I nuts here or what? You're not nuts. They should like

explain why you're so passionate about this halfway house. Is it something that's benefiting that community? Like what is going on here in his story? Yeah, that's a good call and that's what I thought it was. It was like I was working at this halfway house. Maybe it's a thing for like queer teens can come if there's like issues

with their home life or whatever it is. They're just tiptoeing around it and it's like you can't get the credit if you don't do the work. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. You just can't in the first episode say that this dude is gay and then just fucking coast on that

for half a season. So yeah, his thing is one of his cooks at the halfway house quit and he needs somebody to help out and he asks Rhonda. Well, my favorite thing was like, Ronda's just like, oh man, I feel like I'm married to the utility company.

this sat in the other thing, he's like, save it, Rhonda. And he just kind of stormed faster. Oh, it's so awesome. Love it. Later on, Darren Starr says, save it, Rhonda, when he axes her from the series. But, you know. Rhonda lasts longer than Sandy, by the way.

I forgot about this. I meant to bring it up on the air. But Sandy, if I remember, yes, Sandy is only like halfway through this season. Oh, okay. Is she killed off? No, she gets a job actor. on a soap opera and moves to New York.

So she's like, oh, I can help. I'm going to make my great chicken, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, awesome. You're not going to fucking bail on me again. Are you, Rhonda? Because you literally always do that. She's like, no, what are you talking about? I love the Rhonda practicing a new aerobics workout routine.

Just like in the courtyard. It is fucking hysterical because she's like, not only is she doing the steps, which like I get, like, if you're doing an aerobics, routine. Like, you have to know, you know, the moves and everything. But she's also doing, like, the aerobics instructor dialogue to no one. Yeah, she's like, come on. Here we go. We're going to turn it out. Here we. All right. Let's take it up a notch. And I'm like, oh, cool. Maybe she's, like, presenting it for someone. And then, like, when they cut the other way, because I think, like, Allison comes out or something, they, like, do, they do, like, a little shot, reverse shot. When they go to the reverse shot, there's no one there. And it's hysterically sad. So, here. So, He, I mean, she agrees to do it. She shows up at his halfway house. She's like, hey, man, I forgot that I told somebody I would do a shift for them at the aerobic

studio. I literally can't do it. And it's like, and he gets, he gets really pissed because she leaves him high and dry. And that's kind of their thing. But like, he's giving her like the cold shoulder for like parts of the episode. We keep cutting in on this cold shoulder bullshit. What you say? He's right.

Oh, for sure. Right. Like, I mean, she, she agrees to help out. This is like a charitable organization. And then she constantly doesn't show up. goes and buys tons of like chicken thighs and stuff because that's what calls that's what's called for in her

recipe and then he's like I got all these groceries. Yeah and then he has to figure it all out. Why didn't she just come in early do all the cooking and then leave to do her shift? I understand that's more work but fucking that's what you said to do. Also here's the thing Rhonda

I get you're trying to like be a friend or whatever but this situation definitely calls for a phone call only cancelation. Yes, that's right. Because she comes down there and she's like, hey, so I fucked up. I forgot that I have to, you know, I fill in for somebody's class tonight. And he's like, that's cool. You can help me out with lunch right now. And she's like, uh, also, I have another class of mine in 10 minutes. So bye. Yeah, phone it in. And then also the other thing too is when you fuck up with a friend,

you let it go for a week. And then you kind of pick it back up and be like, hey, you know, sorry about last week here's a here's a six pack I apologize absolutely and she's like on his ass like that evening like you're still mad you're still mad and he's like I am trying

to swim in silence right now and he's like all you ever care about is money and I get it like blah blah blah he's working a non-profit but like you know everybody's got to make a living here Matt let's relax a little bit that's the other thing dude it's not like she's like leave and I guess there have been other instances according to Matt where her track record is like

oh there's a party I'm going to oh I have a date but in this instance she has to work and she's making money and that's all anyone on the show is ever complaining about is like trying to work and make a living so like you got to do it and she's like oh I don't know what to say and this is a fucking great Matt line though

right here he goes say what you always say Rhonda next time Matt I promise but like part of the thrust of this is like Matt needs to chill out with this so what some kids don't eat dinner exactly get over it um so like he's like mad and then eventually like he has it he's a little thing with allison too he's the one who kind of soft he's like the show's conscience because she's like

i'm gonna go in there and steal his idea or something he's like that's not the alison i know and it's just like all right dude like great um it's like do you know this person because you've had six lines on this show thank you matt that's so helpful Jesus fucking Christ um so like at the end of the episode as a make good everyone shows up Sandy, Rhonda, and Allison show up at the soup kitchen and they're going to fucking make dinner for everybody. Yeah.

They show up to serve dinner. They show up to make dinner. They're there when the salad is hitting the table. They're there to eat dinner. You are absolutely correct, Eric. And I think this goes to, was it something we were talking about?

Geez, we've been putting out so much stuff lately. I can't remember where this conversation fell. But the idea of like we were talking about like going to a place where a friend worked and like kind of being an asshole that was in the vampires episode okay because that's what happens here they come into this halfway house all singing i'll be there yes again like i fucking i'm uh i don't know where my next meal is coming and by the way i lost my partner today you know what i mean like in your exactly i don't need this shit oh hey my parents have refused to talk to me for the last six years since i came out to them so by all means sing this fun song while we eat this bad spaghetti

Rhonda, this is a male rose again. I understand that Allison is no longer dating Zach Allegan, but I want my pictures. Rhonda, can you get near Allison and get me pictures of Zach Allegan? Because I need them. Free wrench, Rhonda, for Zach Gallagin. He's like the J. Jonah Jameson of wanting to see Zach Gallagin naked. That's kind of the episode. It ends with Matt yelling

Chow time. Yeah. Oh, God. So we'll do this as we always do go around the horn. Any parting shots and or are you excited to continue on the Melrose journey? We'll start with Eric Siska. Oh, I am excited, although it is a bit prudish, which is weird. It's like, obviously, I guess

it's riding off of the Reaganism era of being on the war on drugs. But I'm excited to see what happens next, who we see half nude in the next episode. And I'm also excited to get back to our fun loving kids on 90210.0s. That's right. Anything from you, Chris?

Parting shots and or excitement. Oh, I'm excited for the next one just because this sucked. Yes, it did. It did. It absolutely did. I'm looking for it to come back, you know, some energy. But yeah, this was horrible. And I don't want to think about it anymore. Yeah.

Not enough Billy for you? Yeah, that's exactly what it was. No, not enough. Not enough nearly. To be honest, it was light on Billy. It was very loud and Billy. Well, we didn't have the week four of Jane wants to fuck Michael the series, which is... That actually makes this episode better in retrospect that we didn't have to deal with them as much. Andrew, anything from you?

I will say the following, you know me, ladies and gentlemen. I'm always excited to stay on this journey, both. with Melrose Place and of course next week we'll be continuing Beverly Hills 90210. I do want to put out there guys. It's a little bit of a teaser. You're about to get some fucking Jane and Michael high drama and I'm just saying we hate them all so much

four of us. Andrew, can I ask you. You're going to be wanting to wear a fucking seatbelt for this one. Listen, Jane, we got to hurry it up. I also got to fix Jake's pipes. Look, Jane, the Dr. Seuss shirt is the only shirt I had. Let's do this thing. I mean it's just I think it's a thing Like the pendulum on this show Such as it is

It's like we were all You know this episode did suck And it's like we're taking a little bit of a breath Because we didn't have to deal with any Michael and Jane And next week don't worry about it You're gonna get fucking punched in the face with it Yeah By the way Steve when you said correct

To fix Jake's pipes You meant his actual like water pipes at his apartment And I was thinking you were talking about As your rethrow Yeah oh no he's not No he wants to give him him a vasectomy that's all that's the thing dude right because it's like when you say to someone like jake i'm going to fix the pipes it's like there's a plumbing issue when you're like jake

i'm going to fix your pipes you're going to help that dude's dick out exactly that dick help right there yeah i'm less i i'm excited to keep this going yeah i i do think the show needs to figure out that it's not for babies like 902 no you have to you know it's a teen show you can't they have to be like i have to storm out if there's cocaine blah blah blah blah blah blah but no jake's to be down to clown or he's got to really express he does say like I don't do that shit anymore or that crap or whatever which is fine but like

I just want them to be a little more sexy a little more rowdy a little more raughty a little more raucous that's the thing is like he just says like oh ew coke but it should be like you know hey Perry you fucking remember the last time we did blow together and you know whoever Gary fucking OD'd in my arms

on Sunset Boulevard you know what I mean Exactly. They should show. They should show some of this shit. Yeah, dude, flashbacks. Or have him do a bunch of rails there at the art party, and then suddenly he goes out in the desert with her on the bike and crashes. And now he talks like to his. Oh, man.

Well, a Gary Bucy motorcycle accident is always how we want to end this show. So thank you all for listening. We will be back next week with another episode of... Thank you. Bye-bye. With Beverly Nettuto and Melrose Place. A bunch of great stuff. There's a ton of good stuff.

on Patreon. I know you hate when we say it, but there is. We just released an episode on The Thing this week. We've got an episode that people really love on Quigon Jin, on the Gleeve Gloucler. We've got an episode of Gumby on animation damnation. We've got a Nexus still yet to drop

tons of stuff and a singable commentary of Justice League. Tons and tons of shit on that feed. If you're enjoying this, that sort of helps us be able to do this. So if you can, please give it and I also say, Chris, not Chris, Max Landis's Bright is on there

The affirmation's bright We did a full We Hate Movies episode on it It's not a we love movies Like the new full episodes are on that feed But we have a we hate movies on Bright

There was a limited run Of We Hate Movies Prime episodes There was That's exactly right So for all of us here And Gary Busey's dead brain Thank you I've been Stephen Sadek

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