MELR0210 #8 - Melrose Place "For Love or Money"
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00:47If you're not in love, send it back for a full refund. No return shipping, no restocking fees,every penny back. Shop now at washable sofas.com. Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.This is a headgum podcast.Welcome to Melro 210, the quarantine side show.We Hate Movies podcast.I am asking everyone to put on their sunscreen and remain indoors because this quarantine ain't ever going to end.Because sunscreen's good for sex stuff, too.Yes, exactly.
01:55That's very true.Put on rubbers, dude. Be careful out there.or in there wherever you are.I am joined by the rubber baron Eric Siska.There's Chris Cabinsomewhere around here. I can't see him.And I got my eyes closed. I feel like Andrew Jupp is with us as well.Yo!
02:13That's right. Still doing the Alf thing.Love it. It's dead in the ground.Are you making craps with the cat bones after you eat them?Or what's the deal with that?Yeah, dude. So I'm like planning it out.Like it depends on the cat that I can find.You know, I got a dick.project based on cat.
02:31But yeah, I got a nicesweater going.Oh.A nice little lamp set here.Do you have a, like a derangedlittle old man to smoke crack with?Oh.I think that dude died recently.
02:46He did die.I don't think anyone was that sad.I think he was supposed to be like a notorious asshole.Oh, really?Yeah.I thought he was cool aside from the drug.I mean, which I don't begrudge him at all.Oh, no, of course.
02:57Everyone's got their problems.And everyone's, hey man.I have a grudge a drug user right noweven at all a little bit. I'm not likesome Jake Hanson fucking throwingpeople's cocaine around. This guyis on thin ice with me.So we are talking
03:11about for love ormoney, Melrose Places, I wantto say this is their fourth episode.Correct. It is and Ican't believe they got a fifth.Original AvernateJuly 29th, 1992.This moralistic
03:27horse shit, dude, get it out of myMelrose Place. Flush it down the fuckingtoilet man. Melrose Place is aplace for sin, debauchery,possibly beastiality.Have none of this fucking righteousnonsense.Shake the pans.
03:42That's it. It's Jane and Michaelare bringing a goat into their apartment.Everyone's like, hey, what's with that goat?No, like, you'll fucking figure it out.Sorry, guys. I got, I forgother anniversary. I got to make it upwith beastiality. No, we're notmilking it, idiot.
03:58you know what derailed me immediately on this episode is it starts the cat you knowdamn oh yeah oh yeah we know the themes and then what does he say cast in alphabetical orderlike oh i didn't i couldn't piece that together guys thank you for telling me that thank youthat's uh really that helps everything going that's just letting everybody know that no one'smore important than anybody else that you know just because josie beset is thethe first one, she's not the star of the show.Now, Chris, I mean, it's alsothere's children that might watch. We know
04:34Steve and Andrew Portook.So, um, peopleneed to learn the alphabet when they're youngwhile they're learning about hornyness.Uh-huh. That's true, Eric.Horny alphabet. How about this?A new Fox show called Horny Alphabet.Oh, my God, hosted by Jeff Foxworthy.
04:51Dude, I can't believe Fox is doing this Joe Exotichorse shit. What are they doing? I don't know what's going onhere. It's like in conjunction with TMZ,or something. And I have to say, I've only watched like one episode of this fucking TigerKing nonsense. And like, it's gotten to a point now. When that show debuted this like FoxTMZ co-production, I was like, now it's gone too far. Now it's a thing where I feel like it'sfucking ruined because it's just everywhere. It's kind of ruined. I watched it. We watched it likea couple of nights after it came out. We plowed through it. It's right in our wheelhouse,
05:25trash pseudo-documentary. It's a documentary. But trash document.with trashy people, but the culture is taking it away from us and I don't like it.Yeah, definitely. I liked it when I watched it, but like, my Lord, it's getting too much.I didn't even hear about this Fox TMZ show. What, so what is this like a continuation?Yeah, it's like, oh, all the stuff we couldn't show you on Netflix or didn't want, you know, a different such and such and blah, blah, blah.Oh, yeah, because the guy who looks like a Freddie Kruger with the black hat.Oh, right. Yeah. That guy, I think he sold all of it toFox, all the extra stuff.
06:00God bless him. God bless him.It was a real roguesgallery to figure out who was the worst.He might have been the worst.I mean, oh, you mean handsome Frank Miller?Yeah.Now, that's eerilyaccurate, Chris.
06:16Now, because I only watched the one episode.Is this the guy who's like,he says that he came in and made Joe Exotic'sweb show?Yes, yeah. Okay, that guy, yep.Wow, Chris, that was scarily accurate.driving that guy. I came in with theexperience and I might have burned
06:32down that shed.Don't ruin it for the man.Oh, it's all right. I mean, yeah, butyeah. I mean, it was case inpoint last night. I went to watch it and I promisewe'll talk about my most place. But I was likeoh yeah, all right, let's get into the next episodeof that. And I was like, episode two,
06:4847 minutes. Hmm, I don't knowabout that. Better find something shorter. And thenproceeded to watch a 47 minute episodeof Deep Space. Yeah,I mean, honestly,Quark could show up on Tiger King, and I wouldn't be too surprised.Oh, look at all these humans killing each other over animals.He owes me 400 quadrangos, and I need it for the tigers.
07:15Anyways, we start with...By the way, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a Walmart bus of spoiled meat that was being dropped off at DS9.Cabin made me realize I have been keeping...Because I'm in my notes, like I mentioned last time I think, I'm breaking stuff up into...plots a b and c yeah but i have a special place now for non plots which is the first thing we'regoing to talk about i'm guessing but also stuff like chris just said noticing things in the openingcredits including what i think is a huge bullshit shot in the opening credits oh please grant show uhas jake opening that fridge in the middle of the night with his shirt off and those washboard abs
07:51and i was like this motherfucker doesn't have the munchies man i'm the kind of guy that has the munchiesWell, we should talk about that because that's kind of where we start.It's Michael and Jane working out, the running.And I'm like, that's all the show should be is like, hey, Billy, are you working out now?Because I want to use the gym down there.I'm going to go, I'm going to go do my abs, get my abs.Like, all these people are in incredible shape, and they're never working out except for Michael in a doctor's suit shirt.Dude, a cat in the hat shirt specifically.
08:20It's crazy.It's something he's got at the Basis Day parade.Like, it's just nuts.Dude, any, like, you know, Joe Blow off the street in L.A. that morning could see him running with Jane and be like, that crazy man's chasing that poor woman.And these two are having a fun run and I don't appreciate it. Yes, it's true. Fun isn't, you know, exercise isn't supposed to be fun kids. Yeah, no, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. In shape, fucks. So they run in and Jake is working on his bike. I guess I, yeah, I guess Allison would have the A story here by your metric, Andrew. And then Jake would be the B.that's correct and Matt as is the Coh my God dude it is it is AB and then
09:03fucking let's go back to talking aboutthe opening credits some more and then theC plotyeah he should be on uh what's hisname uh briscoe county juniorbecause he's on a high fucking horsewow what a referenceyou know that would have slayed back when the show is on the air
09:21that's what I was trying to think hereyou should have mailed it into LennonYou know, folks, you're watching this Melrose place.He says, Matt, you might as well be on bicycle, Canning Jr., because of the high horse.Phyllis doesn't let me watch that show.It gets a little too sexy for me, and I feel it's gets jealous.I like Jake's, I like Jake's motorcycles.Yeah.
09:43You know, I'd watch a show called Jake's Garage.Yeah, you see, you have a Jake.Yeah, he's working at a coffee store, but it gets fired.Maybe you should get hired by friends.That's a special perk, I guess.So Mavis is concerned that it's too horny for Jaybecause he starts jacking off when the motorcycle comes out.Oh, Mavis, is that his wife's name?
10:05I've been calling her Phyllis.Yeah, whatever.Whatever, some name you haven't heard since the Great Depression.Some denim babe.So Allison's story.It's got to rub off all that indigo.Oh, my denim babe.You didn't expect me in my army of denim babes.
10:24I paid $10 million and had a woman made a denim.And I get type of sex with her all the time.Yeah.I went to the doctor from under my skin and he made me a denim babe.I call it Gene.Come on.How did I not see that coming?Oh, I don't know.
10:47I feel like I blindsided myself with a bus.So, yeah, it's Allison.She's at her office.she got a flirt going on withthis guy by the nameI'm just going to call him Zach GallaghanI don't get his name's Rick I believeOh no no no no didn't you get it
11:04It's no earth boyHe's the son of theSun tan lotion baron of L.A. or somethingYeah dude much like Abe FrommanSausage King of ChicagoIt's this dudeSun tan king of Los AngelesYeah so he's like
11:22flirting with her he keeps like giving herall sorts of snacks like he's in the mail roomand like leaving her fun different snacks and she's likeoh my god and she's like she's into himwhich you know he's a good looking guy this is likeyeah it's a 1992 Zach Gallaginthat's totally fine it's two years afterGremlin I don't know if Gremlins I don't know if
11:40the Zalman King's reallystarted up yettwo years after Gremlin's twoGremlins too apologies so Zalman Kingthat was like a late night like porno showor something yes that was the Red Shue DiaryRight. Oh, he was in, oh yeah, Zach Allegan did. Was he performing in these? What was going on with this? Un-sumulated.No, very simulated. He was just a, no, he's just done a bunch of like late night Skinimax kind of like stuff. I know that he went that route, but what I'm asking is like, is he playing the mailroom guy on those shows or is he like fucking people? Is he pumping? Is he pumping people? I think he was fucking people. Interesting. What about Grimlins? Was he fucking grimlins? He's fucking that lady gremlin.
12:22he didn't do that who did thatthat other guyRobert Picardoyes yes I was about to say Voyageroh god yeahso they're like eating in therelike outside they're like kind of havinga little bit of a work date and then he really
12:38asks her out this is whenshe finds out that he isthis like she it's kind of weirdwhere Allison's I mean Allison's like just sucha nothing characterand a wimpa total fucking whip which we'll get intoOh, my God, dude, total pushover.
12:54And she's like, you don't know where she's going,because she's into him, but then the second she finds outthat he's like the heir to the suntan lotion empire,she's like, well, hello there, Mr. Suntan, man.Yeah, it's ridiculous.I mean, is this where they get like a little lunch together outside?Yes.Yeah, that's how she finds out.
13:13Right, I want to bring up something in this scenebecause it was very pivotal to everything we know about Allisonas a person, which is number one, nothing.and number twothat she likes peanut buttershe does she had peanut butteron celery she brought to workand Zach Gallagin's like
13:30this means you like peanut butterand it's like so farthat's been most of the characterizationof this characterthat's true we know two things bettershe went to collegeand she likes peanut butterhey Rick Rick
13:43if you don't want to pay for my peanut butteryou stop picking up my peanut butterthat's my celery stickyou will want to give me 50 centsor give it back.Don't got mestart onon Allison's
13:54peanut butterRick.Oh, I heardthis storya thousand timeswhat a sob taleall.I also get so
14:01upsetwhen I put iton my ballsand talkto the dog.Just talk to the dog.We're just talking.Just hanging out
14:11talking with the dogpeanut butterI'll make that.I'm so sorry.The dog is an adultBilly's an adultthat just in a roomthey're just talking.
14:19So what do you thinkabout the thock market?Did you see this interesting article, The Economist?So she agrees to the date.She also, we meet this other, this boss character, this female boss,whose name I don't care to bother.Miss Cabot.Miss Cabot.
14:35And she goes, wow, she is just so confident, which really made me laugh.There was a couple of banger, L-O-L lines for me on this episode,one of which being, she's so confident.It made me crack up.so she goes to she she goes home she's getting ready for this date with this dude and it justthe the the set like everybody needs to stay out of my business here on milrose place i'm not todayalison i know it's just like everybody needs to leave me the fuck alone i'm going on a date i wouldlike to go on a date with a guy that's not here no because people are going to cross the corridor or
15:10whatever this courtyard yeah yeah okay in l.a they got courtyards in in new yorkwe got corridors.Crossing this courtyard with thiscome and get me dress.Oh, Allison needs to wear thisbecause that's a guaranteed fuck.Yeah, it's like, okay, here's the thing.Sandy and Rhonda burst into this apartment
15:33because they're fighting over,like Sandy's like, I got the perfect dressfor Allison to get fucked in, y'all.And then Rhonda's like,excuse me, that's my come fuck me dress.And then like as they're fighting,they just enter the apartmentto give it to her together.
15:47And I was like, excuse me,I did not hear a single fucking knockon a door anywhere.And poor Billy's getting out of the shower.Not poor Billy at all.He's just like, oh, hey ladies, how's it going?Don't mind me and my fucking shower towel.Look, Sandy.
16:05Look, Sandy.We need that dress because otherwiseno man would find either of us attractive.At all.It would be a fucking get gay.But Allison is like in a towel.in this sequence and so is Billyit is very weird
16:19and she's just trying to get dressedI don't even know what the conversation waswas Allison like hey Sandydo you have anything or she was just likehey Allison you going on a day girlbecause I got some sex stuff for youhere's some ludes here's a dresshey Allison here's the problem
16:34y'all I heard through the grapeviney'all have a date where everybodyknows you're famous for beingterribly dressedlike that's pretty much what it isI don't think there was any solicitation on the part ofAllison to get this fuck medress. And Rhonda wants the juicy
16:49details. Get the fuck out of my house.Here's where it's just like, you know what, Rhonda?I sucked his dick. I suckedhis dick in the parking lot. Is that whatyou want to hear? Get the fuck out of myapartment. Neither of you knocked.It was mediocre. I didn't swallow. How aboutthat? Oh my God. Did he
17:06like splatter on the asphalt then?Probably. Hey, Michael was out thereyelling about those oil spots too.Hey, this is going tostain. This is going to stain out here.That's right. Michael was upset that Jake was fixing his motorcycle in the courtyard where oil could congregate in a pool underneath it.And his rent is late. By the way, the rent is like seems to be weekly here. It's like a fucking flop house.Yeah, Jesus. I think these kids are week to week, dude. They have to be.
17:32So, um, uh, Zach Allen shows up and Billy's like, well, I'll enter the door on my towel. Hey, you better have her home by 11 o'clock. That's her curfew. I'm like, you know what, dude? You got to move out. Honestly, this is really uncomfortable.That was it. That was literally the last draw.Like here's the thing.If you want to be the funny dude and you open the door in a dude towel with your fucking ripped Andrew's shoe abs, that's fine.But then he like keeps pushing it and he makes the comment about curfew.And he's like, oh, don't worry about it, Alice.Me and Rick talked already.And it's like now it's gone.
18:10Now you've ruined the joke.Now you're into another territory.I think this actually writes her off as a romantic lover for.Rick, because then Rick's just like, I'm going to steal her ideas now and get aheadat the job. And she's obviously got this weird relationship going. So fuck that. I don't want toget involved in that. Hi, Alth. Would you like to have the worst parts of having a boyfriend withnone of the good ones? I'm the whole packet. Yep, that's right. There's pubichairs on the toilet and you never have sex with me. It's everything you've ever wanted.
18:41But I get jealous and very protective for no reason.So they go on this dayAnd I don't want us to loseWhat I think is the greatest extraIn the history of this show so farIs the guyStanding outside of this restaurantPlaying the saxophone
19:03That looks exactly like old man Billy CrystalLooks right nowI missed himI blink that I missedIt's so dumb because likeInstead of showing an establishing shot of the restaurantYou have this guy playingthe saxophone. He looks like Billy Crystal now, which is to say Billy Crystal, the older he gets,
19:20the more he just looks like an old Jewish woman, and I love it. And so it's that guy, he'splaying the saxophone. And there's these two people standing way too fucking close to thesaxophone player. And they give him a tip or something. And then it's like, they kind of likepull into the restaurant and you realize like, oh, this guy was just playing outside the restaurant.Yeah. But then you can hear the guy's fucking saxophone inside the restaurant. He doesn't have a spot. He'sa walking saxophonist.He's just going down the streetblown into his sacks.
19:51Kevin, you're totally right. I got it fucking on theTV right now and it's that exact scene.He just walked by the restaurant.I will say not since the quarantine,but there is a guy in Jersey City. There's likean open kind of, I wouldn't call it acourtyard. It's like a pedestrian mallkind of thing. And there will be a dude that plays
20:08saxophone in the middle of the afternoonin the spring sometimes. And it's prettysexy. That's magical. It's totallygreat, but you can't have this Billy Crystalmotherfucker walking down sunset boulevard dude well steve does he look like billy crystal at allno he looks like a tweaker he's got a tweaker vibe to him nobody's going right up his arm you knowhow that goes it's funny that uh the older billy crystal gets the more he looks like his characterin the prince's bride yes no that's me it's exactly correct and it's very hilarious um so
20:39they're having a nice little date he kind of you know he's explaining like oh it's so hard to be apoor little rich boy like you know i have to work so much harder than everyone just to get ahead it'slike no you fucking don't well he's working in this mail room like this is the bullshit thing righthe's working in this mail room his old man is a fucking sunscreen magnet and it's like you knowit's it's that thing where like he's going to do this job for like two years get nowhereand then the the old man's going to be like all right you're a fucking embarrassment you can justget on the doll with everybody else now well it's just no he's working as hard as max landis youknow it's just like you're out there and you're trying to make it and you're just you're like
21:19you're saddled by that last name you know everyone's like oh wow you're another land is like no manI'm my own landis I'm my own landis I want to be my own landis I don't know what's worsethough man that shit well like that fucking piece of shit's never going to make another moviebut like god or like you're like the right man and you're like now I'm just going to remake amovie my dad did well he was a landis got stopped because he gotfucking rightfully me-toed before thatfucking American Werewolf movie can get off the ground.Exactly. Yeah, no, he was about to do the exact
21:50same thing. You're right. I forgot thatwas happening. Oh, yeah. I doagree with you about Ivan Reitman.Why are we hiring Ivan Reitmanwhen you should be looking for the rightman for the job?Yeah. I don't have crickets here, Eric.I can't just put them up.
22:08I forgot to fucking set up the cricketsoundboard. Well, I'm sure there.You know, someone's listening to this in a field.no someone slapped their knee to that they appreciated it no so she's like wow you know i just always i loveyour dad's sunscreen he's like you do and she's like yeah you know i was even thinking about thisabout a great campaign he's like well why don't you tell it to me and she's like you know i justthink that sunscreen is so 90s right now you know it's ecological it helps people it's good foryou it's sexy and i want to make a sexy sunscreen thing where it's called hotter than
22:44then the burn.And this idea is so goodthat this kid has to steal it word fora fucking word.Like, what a girl? Oh, fuck!The scene, and there's a great thingI don't want to skip over with the scene of himpitching it to that boss
22:59is one of the funniest fucking douche chillmoments I have seen on the show so far.But I don't want to missthey come home from the dateand they've had this funback and forth convoback at that lunch meeting in the parking lot.where she's like something, something about office romances, this, that, and the other thing.
23:19Zach Gallaghan's fucking line right here as he's walking her home is,what do you think of office romances so far?And Allison is fucking all for Zach Gallaghan right here.They start making out.Meanwhile, Billy is doing the rear window treatment.Oh, yeah, dude, he's looking through the blinds.It's incredible.I mean, here's the thing about the suntan thing.
23:44If he wasn't a piece of shit, I would think that she is like trying to pitch me.Yeah, totally.This was all for nothing.Like, oh, she, so she's just as fake as I am.Fucking fantastic.That's what Ms. Cabot says to Allison when this whole thing blows up in her face.But I thought that was like obvious from the get-go.And I was just like, what is this is a big reveal?
24:05Again, the only thing we know about Allison is fucking peanut butter.We have no idea what her idea.Like, we find out now that she actually wants to be in advertising.like she really wants to be like a pitch lady or something and I mean I get they're stillfinding the character but it's taking them quite a while she'll yeah so the next day she goesto work she overhears uh Zach Galligan now Rick uh talking oh you know giving the exact samepitch word for word to the boss she's like wow Rick that's the best fucking idea I everheard which he's clearly just saying because it's the boss's son she knows who's who you know
24:37what I mean it's not like absolutely it's like oh wow man uh fucking bright what a greatwhat a great idea Maxtheir orcs and their copswow we got to make this moviewe got to oh another moviewhere a woman falls in love with the assassinmy god we fucking need it now more than everdid he what was that called like
24:56something ultra? Mr. Wrightoh Mr. Wright oh with SamRockwell yeah did he dowhat was that movie with Jesse Eisenbergand Kaste do that's also him that's AmericanUltra Jesus Christ that kidsucks and what is thisVictor Frankenstein
25:12Holy shit. Okay, here's some money.That's something else.You put a name in front of another name.So she's, and then, like, Allison gets really pissed on.And then that's, I don't know what Rick's angle is here.Like, he's clearly mostly trying to have sex with her as well.Do you think both are possible?Like, you have to understand once you do one, the other one is not possible anymore.
25:34Except.Okay.Except for one thing, Steve.It could turn into, because this is the advice that Ms. Cabot gives, because the douche stillthing I was mentioning was Allison is literallytwo and a half feet away from both of them when sheoverhears it. So he's basicallytelling this to Allison
25:50it's like I was fuckingcackling. Classic Meg.Totally. But this Miss Cabotis like, hey, listen,this shit's going to happen all the time,you know, so you got to fucking buck up and dealwith it. It could, Steve, turn into a thingwhere they are both
26:06stealing ideas from one anotherand hate fucking.Oh, the hate fucking. I don't know.I've never run into that in the wild.I've only seen that on porn hub.Yeah, I mean, it's out there.No, you're thinking of revenge porn.I see.
26:19I hate fucking, yeah.You dislike someone so much,you find them so irresistible.That's a cheers thing.That's never really happened in real life.The thing is,that's what Sam and Diane is.It's hate fucking.
26:35Oh, absolutely.But that's what I'm talking about.But the thing is, like,Allison, like, she finds out immediately.she goes to Rick and she confrontsomebody's like, no, it's not your idea.I had that idea first. I just didn't tellyou about it or some nonsense lie.
26:49She's like, well, I'm going to go tell the boss.And it's like, obviouslythis isn't going to work out. Obviously,like, that's not how like real, the real worldworks. Like if you get sexually harassed,you tell the boss, someonesteals your idea, you justfucking, you come up with a better one next time.
27:04You know what I mean? The New Yorker is stealing myideas. But no, you're totallyright. It's like, look, you shouldn't have let the catout of the bag and like honestly like firstof all it's fucking sunscreenit's one of the most innocuous products of all timenobody gives a shit you think I've ever bought the samebrand of sunscreen intentionally
27:20ever once in my life no of coursenot learn the lesson from grade schoolnobody likes a tattletail periodbut it's also just a bad pitchfucking hotter than the burn you knowburn is not good yes it's trueI know you like put the wordhot in there because it's the go go
27:3690sbut it's a bad pitch and they don't evengo with it when they get to the final meeting with his father.It's the beach.Thank you for saying the 90s, Eric,because now I need to remember when she confronts him.She's like, hey, that was my pitch.She's like, I don't know, Allison, you know,
27:55we're all listening to the same shock jocks in the morning.We're all watching the same MTV videos.Dude, it's so, it's so awesome because it's him.You're watching Zach Gallaghan's character fucking.rounding right on live TVbecause he has that whole thing and thenhe runs into the fucking bathroom to tryto escape from her and she
28:18follows him into the can and I was likea woman in the men's bathroomoh the go-go-90sI love the idea that we wouldwe're all listening to the samenot just we're all listening to Shock Jocs we're also to the sameshock jock okay in asea of shock jocks Allison we are
28:34listening to the same one we all heardJenna Jameson on the Sibbeanwe all did itthat's when I first thought of hotter than the birdso like she umthe boss is just like hey dude suck it up come up with a better idea next timeor maybe you should work with him blah blah blahand this is when Allison just quits her job I guess
28:56yep which is a thing you can doshe just she grabs the box she does the whole thingand storms out of the office I'm like oh okay so you just quit your joband that's you just lost your job by quitting itright absolutely that works everyone saw you withwith the with the box she saysyou knowsomething miss cabot is like you know
29:15well something something for next timeand Allison's like I don't think there's gonna be a next timeand I'm like oh okay right there you quit your joband what happens Billy fucking convinces her to pulla George Costanzahe does because she's like she's homeand she's eating like it's like your bullshit90s sitcom nonsense I scream at Captain Crutch
29:34I appreciate it that Captain Crunch made an appearancehimself. Did anyonenotice that the big woodenspoon she's eating with the ice cream withis completely empty this wholescene? And she keeps putting in her mouthlike it's fucking hook. Oh, really?She's just eating a bunch of blue
29:52frosting.So yeah, she'snot eating. And he's like, I don't know howI'll say you can't let this guy get to you like that.Just go back in there and tell him what's what.Just walk inlike nothing happened.And she does.
30:08And the boss is like, well, it's good to have you back, Allison.I'm like, no, you fucking quit.A, you're just, not to say just the receptionist,but you're the receptionist.You, they're, there are, you, you can get cycled out pretty easily, you know what I mean?Yeah, this lady doesn't give a fuck about you?But Steve, doesn't she see a little bit of herself and Alice's ultimate?Oh, sure.
30:30I always forget about your, your premier dramatic writing degree, Chris, and I just can't see these things.well she does miss cabot has a fuckingheartbreaking line thoughwhen she saysit's something something about the office romancesoh because billy er uh billy rick sends hera rose like after their date before he stealsthe fucking pitch
30:54and she's like oh looks like someone at a good timeand she's like yeah Allison's like I don't know about itor whatever and this woman goestake time to smell the rosesis, oh, Lord knows I never did.Oh, I was like, hello, Kathy Cartoon.I haven't been fucked in 30 years, Allison.But thank God for chocolate.
31:16So the idea is she needs to do a pitch with Rick for his dad,which is super awkward anyway.Oh, yeah.And they, like, have to do a work meeting.And he's like, so what ideas you got?She's like, I don't care, mister, you could do it yourself.And then she storms off.And she comes up with a great idea, which is like,
31:39A, completely different than the idea that she pitched originally.Well, you can't use the fucking stolen one.No, but I mean, like, you know, if it's, if the idea is like where like sunscreen is for sex,then all of the ideas in this campaign should be sunscreen is for sex.You can be having sunscreen is for sex, but then it's also like, I protect you.I'm a fireman.Like, whatever nonsense this shit is.But, dude, that's the thing, Steve.
32:00I mean, we've all watched.Mad Men here and Steve, you're going through a rewatchright now. All advertising isis fucking vomitingup garbageonto a board andpraying to God something sticks. So it's likeoh, if you don't like that direction, cool. We can go
32:15the non-sexy direction. We made fun of it, but it really is aboutconfidence. Like what shelikes about her is like, oh, you can sellfucking garbage to these idiots.We're selling garbage.What she tries to sell is that likethat false pastiche that we like to throw in society of like,oh, here's the fireman and here's everyone being happy together
32:37and you're protected when you're with usand you're protected when you wear this sunscreenbecause all these people also wear it.Fucking Rick's counter thing is amazing because it's just likeit's a before and after kind of riff.Okay, so this woman's got horrific skin cancer.And we just put that on the screen for a while.But here's what she would look like if she didn't have horrific skin care.
33:01And the dad is just like, uh, that all you got?Oh, my God.It's so he's like, uh, what else you got, Ricky?So that was part one of, uh, many, right?Yeah, you got something for, oh, crap.Oh, yeah, this is his name is Victor Frankenstein, huh, Max?That's, that's, yeah, that's great.Esther Werewolf sounds phenomenal.
33:23John Dracula, sign me up.How are you doing, uh, John Dracula?Oh, hey, Larry from the Black Lagoon.How you doing?I think, yes, I'm the Ian man.Oh, the kid sucks.Donald Trump.He's born in the monster party for sure.
33:47Absolutely.But the biggest most insane garbage fucking turn of all of thisis when that dad is putting Zach Gallagher on the spot,he's totally frozen.And it's like, this is it, dude.Allison, you're saying,fucking cutthroat man like here it comesand she's just like oh actually
34:03Rick what about that other great idea you hadoh I forgot to give you all your great notesback after we talked about this yesterdayand she fucking just givesthis guy another ideayes which and he's like thanksand it's like this really sweet thing likethat's not growth for the character
34:21either like I don't think it's beingcold-blooded by letting somebody fucking failwho fucked you over five minutes agothat dude was the first one onthe front lines of fucking her.And he's in front of his father.Of course it doesn't matter.Exactly.
34:37This whole thing's a fucking show, Cabin.You're totally right.Get out of the fuck out of here.Hey, Allison gets a giganticHershey kiss out of it.Oh man, now she's gettingpaid in chocolate. Excellent.I'm sure Mr. K will love that
34:51in the fucking red check.I love being treated like a child.Oh, man. I fucking love it.And the boss is like, well, you did a great.I know it was your idea, truly, Allison.And you know what?I do see a little bit of myself and you, don't I?And, like, kind of walks away.
35:07And it's like, whatever.That's her storyline.Then we've got Jake.Yeah, he's, again, one, one, one day away from fucking skid row, man.This guy is a sack of shit.This guy is fucking terrible.So Michael is just like, hey, man, you owe rent.and what are you going to do about it?
35:30He's like, all right, man, I'll get you the fucking red dude.It's like, I know, but all right.He's like, I'm going to get a job today.Today I'm going to get a job.He's aggressively poor.Being aggressive about it.This is a weird thing because this has happened.Maybe it was also with Jake in a previous episode
35:46or was another character maybe.The notion of like, all right, fine.It's like they treat getting a job like you're going to take out the trash.Yes, exactly.Like, I promise you, all right, I'm going to go out today.I'm going to get a job.this afternoon, just shut up.And I'm like, boom, boom 90s, dude.
36:02I guess it's just, it's such an unrealistic thing in present days and size.Look, I worked through all my statutory rape shit.I'm ready to be employed, baby.Let's go.That is true.This is the first time Jake's entire storyline does not involve dating a teenage girl.Yeah, that's a breath of fresh air.It's a step in the right direction for old Jake.
36:22So he goes to speak of the boo boo'un 90s, a coffee shop, not just a coffee shop, but a fruit.through cappuccinosomething something macchiatoDennis Leary can't I geta cup of coffee anymore placeIt's it's ridiculous how muchThis is just a fucking Dennis Learyroutine here and this
36:41This like thisThis Europeanfucking boss hereThis guyClaims that peopleDrive what does he say something likeMilesLike me up miles to go
36:56Get this coffee I'm like I don't knowThis place looks pretty unremarkable.Well, it's Los Angeles.They've got to drive Miles to do anything.Oh, that's true.True.This guy, you know, Jake's like, or he says something.The guy, it's a weird thing where he's like,
37:09Jake comes in and he's like, hey, saw your help wanted sign.What do you need help with?And the guy is instantly like, oh, can you use this coffee maker?And Jake's like, yeah, it's just like, you know, a big deal, Mr. Coffee, whatever.And this guy's like, Mr. Coffee cannot make a Macchiato.Well, maybe if you want a job, Jake, don't show up in your dungeries with the wantad in your pocket and be like, hey, man, you got a job or what?Yeah, and lip off during the interview.Yes, exactly.
37:40And, like, he's like, all right, so, you know, you could, you could do this, come to you.And he's like, sure, I'll do it.So now he's just working at the coffee shop.His ex-girlfriend shows up, played by none other than, what's her, Valerie Johnson or?Michelle Johnson.Michelle Johnson, that's right.of Blame on Rio fame.Oh, get out of fucking town.
38:02You could drive a baby wild with desire, my friend.Yes, you could.Oh, my God.It's all coming back to me now.I know, dude.I just had a fucking anthed flashback.Question about Michelle Johnson and Zach Gallaghan.Sure.
38:22Would they, I guess they'd be better offhaving landed roles like Allison and or J.or Billy specifically, right?Like, they would rather be cast members on Melrose Place,or would they rather get their guest spot into keep their bullshit movie careers afloat?I think it's the latter.I think they really want to keep the movie stuff.
38:39Because, like, Galligan, at that point, he's under,he has two franchises he's working on.One's much lesser than the other, but, you know.I mean, yeah, I guess waxwork is a franchise, Kevin.There's two of them, yeah.And people used to always look down on TV, right?Back then anyway.Before the golden age.
38:56Yeah, but at the same time, like, you know, Michelle Johnson, yes, definitely could be on this show.Zach Allegan's just got too much of like a nice guy thing going.You know, he's not like sexy enough to live at, you know, Melrose place.It's very true.I mean, he doesn't want to hear it.And I'm sorry, Zach Allegan, but yeah, it's just the fucking truth.Excuse me, there's Melro.Yeah, I'm just saying that this guy's not sexy enough to live it here at my Melrose place.
39:23It is, it is one week and done for this fucking.Goblin, you hear me?Now, you look, listen to me.I will payPrimo moneyto see Zach Galligan naked.Aliston,you get me that
39:38and your rent is on mail.Oh my God, that ZachGilligan's turning my littlemy littlemy little, uh, my littleuh, gizmo into agremlin.Oh, man.
39:50Oh, you got it wet.Oh, you can't feed it aftermidnight, get, get.For can you?Oh, God, it makes me mogwine my pants.I know, don't put light on it.Don't put light on it.Mel Rowe here.
40:09Michael, you and Jane better get up an exercise,then clean my apartment because you've got to be sexyand do my doable work.Yeah, you can stay here.You clean my apartment in the nude.So she shows up.She's playing Perry, by the way.And she got a much shorter haircut than, like, she's like punky looking.
40:29She's got, like, a leather jacket.And she's like, oh, Jake working at a coffee shop, say, what?And he's like, do you own this?And he's like, you know I don't own it.Dude, she, does anyone recall, actually, I think this is the greatest line in the episode.Does anyone recall what she says to him while he's fucking steaming milk right here?Oh, yeah.Dude, I love the way you bury that nozzle.
40:56Oh, man.And then there's some follow-up of like, yeah, you always did or something.And I was like, good Lord, this is broadcast television.And then he goes out for a coffee break with her.And the guy's like, where are you going, Jake?We had the five vaults behind.And he's like, it's a good if you break, okay?And he goes out there.
41:13And she's like, remember when we used to fuck on this motorcycle?Dude, what is this?She's talking about.They fucking drove out to the desert and fucked on the motorcycle in the middle of the road.Nice, man.You know what I think also happened here.is Perry aged out for Jakebecause she used to be 17
41:30now she's like 23 and he's likeget the fuck out of here Perryhe's like DiCaprioHey Jake me and my friendsare going out for margaritas for my 21st birthdayAre you in?Jake?Hello?
41:46Sounds like Jake's motor's likelyHe didn't even hang up the phoneHe just dropped and left.He went to go check out the actionat a playground.So this guy'slike, Jake, you better get back in hereand fix these coffee orders.
42:00It's very bud courtDennis Haysbird in heat.Yes, yes, it is.It is becauselike he knows that he's gota vulnerable dude on hisstaff that like is one step awayfrom suicide and he's like, I can fucking run
42:16this guy into the ground.It's kind of fucking hilarioushere because, you know, the guy, he goesback in and the guy's an asshole again.Yes.and I don't remember what the guy saysbut Jake's quitting line to this dude isyou bet your tight ass I'm
42:34yes I have that written downthat was one of my LOLwell I mean like you can call someone a tight asslike oh my ex bossI mean what a fucking tight assabsolutely that's and everyone knowswhat you're talking about when you sayyour tight ass that's a different
42:48connotation you're checking out this dude's fitbuns that's a come onexactly you betYou're tight ass.I was like, excuse me.He was trying to say that the dude's up tight or something.Oh, absolutely.But that's not what he said.
43:02And it's like, he storms out.And if we cut back to that dude in the cafe, he's like, well, say there, that man who worked here for three hours said I had a tight ass.Well, here's the difference.It's like, if I'm talking about Eric, and I'm like, oh, man, that Eric's a real tight ass.I was like, oh, yeah, tight ass.And I thought, you know what?That Eric, he's got a real tight ass.Everyone's totally different
43:23Well I guess those butt pushups are finally paying offBut he only quits afterHe goes to visit Perry at her galleryAnd this is when she invites him to do this grift with herOh my God, this fucking griftWhich she has said at some point beforeWhat is the fucking line?Oh, the line is, oh Jake, don't you remember being on the grift?
43:49Oh yeah, remember when we wereon the grift.And he's like,he's like,yeah, Perry,I guess that was fine.We just stole some bottles of cologne or whatever.And like,
43:59because much like Dylan's quote-unquote dark past on Melrose on Beverly 9-2-0,the Jake quote-unquote dark past.It's always changing.It's like,did he kill somebody?I don't want to hire this guy at my coffee shop,man.I don't want him around here.
44:13Why?That guy killed his fucking wife,man.I don't have the creepy vibe.He brings up my goddamn coffee shop.And my wife owns this coffee shopAnd she doesn't want to work it around here eitherI got to tell you
44:28I just rewatched it the other nightStill excellent.Of course it isSo like she'sHe at first turns her downBut then like you knowHumdrum Life you knowKind of opens the door
44:40And the grift isShe's a dealer at an art studioAnd she's like JakeYou know these peopleBuy anything I tell them toThey're so stupidAll I have to do is make up a fakebullshit abstract painting and they'll buy it for and you know sell you as the hot new sensation
44:56and like here's the thing that's just the art world exactly it's not the entire art world butlike guaranteed this happens this is kind of Andy Warhol you know what I mean it's like wellthis whole thing is like art it's the perfect crime yeah well exactly like it's not I mean likehey like you know if somebody wants to spend a thousand dollars on a painting that means it's artthat's how that shit works exactly that dudewith the fucking banana, $250,000.This guy was about to makeyou know, Jake was about to make tons of money
45:27and maybe launch a new type of careerand he's like, no, people in theodd world do drugs.That's, so that's the thing isthe idea is she's going to sell himbecause, you know, he's a sexy looking dude.And if you sell him as a cool artist,he's the hottest new thing, right?
45:42He's part of the piece.And you don't have to believe in art to do it.You don't have to believe in art to do it.Just do it.Just shut your fucking mouth, Jake.Listen, shut up.You're going to fucking make a ton of money.And guess what?
45:53The best part of all of it, Jake?You're in Los Angeles.You are now part of the glitterati.And she even says, like, and the best part is we're not breaking any laws.Like, yeah, of course.That's what fucking, that's what commerce is.Look, Perry, I just can't betray Bandana guy, okay?I can't do it.
46:10I just met him.He seems fantastic.I won't betray him.Perry has a fucking excellent line, though, when she's trying to sell him on this,where she says something about, like, she checked with.It's either lawyers or the police department.Which it's like, I fucking love this notion of like, hey, officer, can I talk to you for a quick second?Yeah, I had this idea to make a lot of money by lying to people.
46:33I just want to make sure what I'm about to do is not against the law.Can you weigh in on that?Oh, no, no, no.He didn't, he wasn't a struggling artist at all.You're going to jail for quite some time.Oh, the death penalty.It doesn't make any senseSo like Jake's into it at first
46:52But like a little uncomfortableHe meansOf course he's into itHe gets his fucking dick wet dudeThe way they're making this artOh my godThis is a sex painting rightThey're like dipping each other in paint
47:03They're rubbing their bodies on the canvasI mean this is artAgainst the canvasI mean this is this is here's the thingThis is like a performance art thingYes you knowIt's like fucking Maud LobowskiYou know what I mean
47:16It's like we're newsThere's paint all over us.This is legit.Yeah, it's like if Jackson Pollock fucked during his paintings.It may have happened, dude.Him and Lee Krasner getting it out.I mean, he put a cigarette down on his painting because, you know, afterwards,you like to have a little smoke, watch a little Leno, go to sleep.
47:36I feel like the producer and director, because they're both actors seem to be really into.I bet they're like, are they really fucking?You guys aren't fucking, are you?Because we get, you know, there's legal issues.just just keep it PG-13 guysGrant put your dick awayImpressive by the wayThere's a great there's a great line though
47:57Where they're dumping paint on each otherAnd he goes I always liked you in redAnd Perry respondsYou always liked me in bedI was like oh writing for televisionAnd then he's like say itSay it's like God all rightI got to do this real quick
48:13I have homework tomorrowOh JesusIt's the only way I could shootis if you're on a homework deadline.So, you know, things are going well enough on the grift as it is.Did anybody else get a number on how many times she says grift?She says it quite a few times.It's six times.
48:32Six times I have.Well, let me ask you this.Cabin, you keep track of how many times she uses the name Phil?Is that the other guy?That's, dude, this fucking guy, Phil, like they put on, when, when Jake initially visits thegallery. There's a song playing. And she's like, you know who this is? He's interested in my art. And it's like, Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil. And I was like, at first I was like, oh, is this a thing where there's a money problem and we can't license a Phil Collins song. She's just saying like Phil Collins is buying her art. This is Phil Collander. This is Phil Collander. It's great. Yeah. Right. But like then like there's this dude Phil. Who's just this fucking musician from fucking Skid Row. He's bandana guy.You guess that's bandana guyRight he's got like a giant scarf or whatever
49:20You are totally well within your rights to rip this dude offYou're absolutely fineYes that's why people like to existExactly that's what they doThey're like oh man this sexy lady and sexyDude sold me this painting it sucksBut I paid five grand for itThat's how that shit works
49:36Absolutely dude it's like you take one look at this guyAnd this guy might as well be wearing a fucking t-shirtThat says please rob meSo Jake's likeYeah he meets him it's fineAnd he gets to do it a little bit.She's like, oh, you didn't wear the outfit I told you.He's like, I don't like getting dressed for you, baby, because I'm Jake.
49:53And then he goes, she excuses herself.He goes to talk to her in the background.He's like, you're doing cocaine?And the only, the only way this response is valid is if it's because he had massive problems with cocaine and she knows about it.Exactly.Yeah, but at the same time, she didn't invite him to go do cocaine.She went in the back by her fucking self.And this nosy guy's going like, what are you doing back there?
50:25What are you doing back there?You're totally right, dude.You're totally right.And like a generous person offers him some.And he's like, which the answer is just, no man, I'm off that.I'm in rehab, whatever.And you got to respect that.You can't be an asshole about that.
50:37Absolutely.That's their business.But she just goes, come on, Jake.And she kind of pushes, she doesn't push it in front of him.She kind of offers it to him a little more aggressively.And he flips this like $400 of cocaine all over.And he's like, and she's like, oh no, my cocaine.He's like, you're pathetic.
50:58I'm like, no, that's a lot of money.Like whatever Phil pays for this fucking painting you guys are about to sell,half of that has to go for this spoiled Coke.And like, here's the thing, man, you can like not be down for whatever.You know what I mean?Like, I've been offered stuff I don't want.You just say a quick no thank you.I'm not flipping tables, man.
51:19You're wasting all sorts of money.It's outrageous.And then he carries this out into the gallery roomwhere he takes down the painting that they made.And he says, oh, you want this useless piece of shit?I'm not an artist here.You could have it.It's like, you're just being a fucking dick, man.
51:35Like, here's the thing is if you write a screenplay and it's bad,but your intention was a bad screenplay,you're still an artist if somebody buys it.you know what i mean like that exactly right yeah i mean michael bay is an artisteven if they don't buy it jake just making this painting makes him an artist and he doesn't seemto understand that she didn't kill him but she would be completely in her rights to kill him fordoing that i feel oh wow too i think jake should be taken out into the desert on the backof that motorcycle not fucked and instead put into a shallow grave
52:07dude buried with the bike you think or what no no get the bats out let's do a casino styleOh, yes.And I mean, I think this-Barry with the bike to, you know,cover up any evidence.You don't want to,you don't want to take it to a chop shop,and then, you know,
52:20word gets around that you killed Jake and that's his bike.And I understand you don't want to glamorize Coke,blah, blah, blah, which is fine.But I mean, like, this is Melrose place.It's not a fucking after school special.Exactly.He just needs to be like,nah, man, I'm cool and they do it.
52:35And then maybe that tells you something about her characterthat she will or something.But like this whole, like, after school,like, no way, I don't touch her.No, Steve, you're totally rightand here's the Melrose place wayto handle that. He walks inon her in the back room.
52:50She's blowing some rails.He's not having it, butdoesn't say anything. Then theyget down to fucking again. And he's like,oh, right, I forgot.My good friendisterrible, she's a
53:06terrible fuck when she's high oncoat. And that's what turnsthem off. That's the mood.So then we get some more Jake and the Sandy stuff because they're trying to make Sandy work any way they can.We are just desperately trying to make Sandy work.And she's just like, I don't know, Jake, you're good God stuff.And like blah, blah, blah.He tells her that he's going to sell his motorcycle.
53:31He goes to sell the motorcycle.Two, speaking of Tiger King, it looks exactly like the scumbag that rips off the Tiger King.Oh, Jeff Lowe.He looks a lot like Jeff Lowe, this dude.and he's likeoh you know I can't buy your bikebut man whoever did that workis a great A motorcycle mechanic
53:48you know that's the funny thingsStevie calls him an artistohyes you were doing thereevery single businessin the city of Melroseis saying jobsjobs for sale
54:02here's everyone could have a jobeveryone could have a joblike I don't knowdo I want to be a fuckdo I want to be a taxi driverhey I'm a taxi drivermaybe he would havesold that bad screenplay last week
54:12if Allison let him. I mean, whatBilly should do is hear about Jake'sexperience with the whole art sceneand just do that. Hey, Billy, gopretend to be an artist. Hey,Billy, it's the fucking surplus.Maybe we got jobs everywhere.You can take jobs.
54:28You can throw them away, get another onetomorrow, baby.Mr. President, you mistyledagain.The only job they don't want you toget is a blow.Hey, dude, is Allison up or what?Oh, man, I accidentally dialed Melrose Place again.
54:47Let me let's say.Alethon.Allison, do you want to talk to the president or do you know the date?Man, you know I don't want to talk to Matt.So, like, we get to, and he, that's, then Jake's like,ooh, I have a real job.That's exciting.So then we have Matt's bullshit story, which again, like,
55:07this is week, like week full.we've never, like this is the firstlike real quote unquote Matt storylineand not that every storyline should revolve aroundhim being gay, but they should sayit once in a while, right? Likeam I nuts here or what?You're not nuts. They should like
55:23explain why you're so passionate aboutthis halfway house. Is it something that'sbenefiting that community? Likewhat is going on here in his story?Yeah, that's a good call and that's whatI thought it was. It was like I was working at this halfwayhouse. Maybe it's a thing for like queerteens can come if there's like issues
55:39with their home life or whatever it is.They're just tiptoeing around it and it's likeyou can't get the credit if you don't do the work.You know what I mean?Yeah, exactly.You just can't in the first episodesay that this dude is gayand then just fucking coast on that
55:53for half a season.So yeah, his thing is one of his cooksat the halfway house quitand he needs somebody to help outand he asks Rhonda.Well, my favorite thing was like,Ronda's just like, oh man,I feel like I'm married to the utility company.
56:08this sat in the other thing, he's like, save it, Rhonda.And he just kind of stormed faster.Oh, it's so awesome.Love it.Later on, Darren Starr says,save it, Rhonda, when he axes her from the series.But, you know.Rhonda lasts longer than Sandy, by the way.
56:24I forgot about this.I meant to bring it up on the air.But Sandy, if I remember,yes, Sandy is only like halfway through this season.Oh, okay.Is she killed off?No, she gets a job actor.on a soap opera and moves to New York.
56:41So she's like, oh, I can help.I'm going to make my great chicken, blah, blah, blah.And he's like, awesome.You're not going to fucking bail on me again.Are you, Rhonda?Because you literally always do that.She's like, no, what are you talking about?I love the Rhonda practicing a new aerobics workout routine.
57:00Just like in the courtyard.It is fucking hysterical because she's like,not only is she doing the steps,which like I get, like, if you're doing an aerobics,routine. Like, you have to know, you know, the moves and everything. But she's also doing, like, the aerobics instructor dialogue to no one. Yeah, she's like, come on. Here we go. We're going to turn it out. Here we. All right. Let's take it up a notch. And I'm like, oh, cool. Maybe she's, like, presenting it for someone. And then, like, when they cut the other way, because I think, like, Allison comes out or something, they, like, do, they do, like, a little shot, reverse shot. When they go to the reverse shot, there's no one there. And it's hysterically sad. So, here. So,He, I mean, she agrees to do it.She shows up at his halfway house.She's like, hey, man, I forgot that I told somebody I would do a shift for them at the aerobic
57:46studio.I literally can't do it.And it's like, and he gets, he gets really pissed because she leaves him high and dry.And that's kind of their thing.But like, he's giving her like the cold shoulder for like parts of the episode.We keep cutting in on this cold shoulder bullshit.What you say?He's right.
58:01Oh, for sure.Right.Like, I mean, she, she agrees to help out.This is like a charitable organization.And then she constantly doesn't show up.goes and buys tons oflike chicken thighs and stuff because that's whatcalls that's what's called for in her
58:14recipe and then he's like I got allthese groceries. Yeah and then he has tofigure it all out. Why didn't she justcome in early do all the cookingand then leave to do her shift? I understandthat's more work but fucking that's whatyou said to do. Also here's the thingRhonda
58:29I get you're trying to like be afriend or whatever but this situationdefinitely calls fora phone call onlycancelation. Yes, that's right. Because she comes down there and she's like, hey, so I fucked up.I forgot that I have to, you know, I fill in for somebody's class tonight. And he's like, that'scool. You can help me out with lunch right now. And she's like, uh, also, I have another class of mine in 10minutes. So bye. Yeah, phone it in. And then also the other thing too is when you fuck up with a friend,
59:01you let it go for a week. And then you kind of pick it back up and be like, hey, you know,sorry about lastweek here's ahere's a six pack I apologizeabsolutely and she's likeon his ass like that eveninglike you're still mad you're still madand he's like I am trying
59:17to swim in silence right nowand he's like all you ever care about is money and I get itlike blah blah blah he's working a non-profit but likeyou know everybody's got to make a living here Mattlet's relax a little bit that's the other thingdude it's not like she's like leave and I guessthere have been other instances according to Mattwhere her track record is like
59:35oh there's a party I'm going tooh I have a date but in this instance she has towork and she's making moneyand that's all anyone on the show isever complaining about is like trying towork and make a living so likeyou got to do it and she's like oh I don't know whatto say and this is a fucking great Matt line though
59:51right here he goes say what you always sayRhonda next time Matt I promisebut like part of the thrust of this is likeMatt needs to chill out with thisso what some kids don't eat dinnerexactlyget over it um so like he's like mad and then eventually like he has it he's a little thing withallison too he's the one who kind of soft he's like the show's conscience because she's like
01:00:16i'm gonna go in there and steal his idea or something he's like that's not the alison i know andit's just like all right dude like great um it's like do you know this person because you'vehad six lines on this show thank you matt that's so helpful Jesus fucking Christ um so likeat the end of the episode as a makegood everyone shows upSandy, Rhonda, and Allison show upat the soup kitchen and they're going to fuckingmake dinner for everybody. Yeah.
01:00:44They show up to servedinner. They show up to make dinner.They're there when the salad ishitting the table. They're there to eatdinner. You are absolutelycorrect, Eric. And I thinkthis goes to, was itsomething we were talking about?
01:01:00Geez, we've been putting out so much stuff lately. I can't rememberwhere this conversation fell. But the idea oflike we were talking about like going to a place where a friend worked and like kind of being anasshole that was in the vampires episode okay because that's what happens here they come into thishalfway house all singing i'll be there yes again like i fucking i'm uh i don't know where my nextmeal is coming and by the way i lost my partner today you know what i mean like in yourexactly i don't need this shit oh hey my parents have refused to talk to me for the last sixyears since i came out to them so by all means sing this fun song while we eat this bad spaghetti
01:01:34Rhonda, this is a male rose again.I understand that Allison is no longer dating Zach Allegan, but I want my pictures.Rhonda, can you get near Allison and get me pictures of Zach Allegan?Because I need them.Free wrench, Rhonda, for Zach Gallagin.He's like the J. Jonah Jameson of wanting to see Zach Gallagin naked.That's kind of the episode.It ends with Matt yelling
01:02:06Chow time. Yeah.Oh, God.So we'll do this as we always dogo around the horn. Any parting shots and orare you excited to continue on the Melrosejourney? We'll start with Eric Siska.Oh, I am excited, although it is a bit prudish,which is weird. It's like, obviously, I guess
01:02:26it's riding off of the Reaganism era ofbeing on the war on drugs. ButI'm excited to see what happensnext, who we see half nudein the next episode.And I'm also excited to get backto our fun loving kids on 90210.0s.That's right. Anything from you, Chris?
01:02:44Parting shots and or excitement.Oh, I'm excited for the next one just because this sucked.Yes, it did. It did.It absolutely did. I'm looking for it to come back,you know, some energy. But yeah,this was horrible.And I don't want to think about it anymore.Yeah.
01:03:02Not enough Billy for you?Yeah, that's exactly what it was.No, not enough. Not enough nearly.To be honest, it was light on Billy.It was very loud and Billy.Well, we didn't have the week four of Jane wants to fuck Michael the series, which is...That actually makes this episode better in retrospect that we didn't have to deal with them as much.Andrew, anything from you?
01:03:26I will say the following, you know me, ladies and gentlemen.I'm always excited to stay on this journey, both.with Melrose Place and of coursenext week we'll be continuing Beverly Hills90210. I do want to put out there guys. It's a little bitof a teaser. You're about to get some fuckingJane and Michael high dramaand I'm just saying we hate them all so much
01:03:46four of us. Andrew, can I ask you. You're going to be wanting to wear afucking seatbelt for this one. Listen, Jane, we got to hurry it up. I also got to fixJake's pipes. Look, Jane, the Dr. Seuss shirt is the onlyshirt I had. Let's do this thing.I mean it's justI think it's a thingLike the pendulum on this showSuch as it is
01:04:06It's like we were allYou know this episode did suckAnd it's like we're taking a little bit of a breathBecause we didn't have to deal with any Michael and JaneAnd next week don't worry about itYou're gonna get fucking punched in the face with itYeahBy the way Steve when you said correct
01:04:21To fix Jake's pipesYou meant his actual like water pipes at his apartmentAnd I was thinking you were talking aboutAs your rethrowYeah oh no he's notNo he wants to give himhim a vasectomy that's all that's the thing dude right because it's like when you say to someonelike jake i'm going to fix the pipes it's like there's a plumbing issue when you're like jake
01:04:39i'm going to fix your pipes you're going to help that dude's dick out exactly that dick help rightthere yeah i'm less i i'm excited to keep this going yeah i i do think the show needs to figureout that it's not for babies like 902 no you have to you know it's a teen show you can't theyhave to be like i have to storm out if there's cocaine blah blah blah blah blah blah but no jake'sto be down to clown or he's got toreally express he does say like I don't dothat shit anymore or that crap or whateverwhich is fine but like
01:05:08I just want them to be a little more sexya little more rowdy a little more raughty a little more raucousthat's the thing is like he just says likeoh ew coke but it should be likeyou know hey Perry you fucking remember the last time we didblow together and you knowwhoever Gary fuckingOD'd in my arms
01:05:27on Sunset Boulevard you know what I meanExactly. They should show.They should show some of this shit.Yeah, dude, flashbacks.Or have him do a bunch of rails there at the art party,and then suddenly he goes out in the desert with her on the bike and crashes.And now he talks like to his.Oh, man.
01:05:44Well, a Gary Bucy motorcycle accident is always how we want to end this show.So thank you all for listening.We will be back next week with another episode of...Thank you.Bye-bye.With Beverly Nettuto and Melrose Place.A bunch of great stuff.There's a ton of good stuff.
01:06:00on Patreon. I know you hate when wesay it, but there is.We just released an episode on The Thing this week.We've got an episode that peoplereally love on Quigon Jin, onthe Gleeve Gloucler. We've got an episode of Gumbyon animation damnation.We've got a Nexus still yet to drop
01:06:16tons of stuff and a singable commentaryof Justice League. Tons and tons of shiton that feed. If you're enjoying this,that sort of helps us be ableto do this. So if you can, please give itand I also say, Chris, not Chris,Max Landis'sBright is on there
01:06:31The affirmation's brightWe did a fullWe Hate Movies episode on itIt's not a we love moviesLike the new full episodesare on that feedBut we have a we hatemovies on Bright
01:06:41There was a limited runOf We Hate Movies Prime episodesThere wasThat's exactly rightSo for all of us hereAnd Gary Busey's dead brainThank youI've been Stephen Sadek
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