We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 440 - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Date: September 3, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang is chatting about the less-than-stellar teen horror-comedy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer! How asleep at the switch was Sutherland while making this? Why couldn't we get a little more gore? And why is the fight choreography so slow? PLUS: Donald Sutherland antagonizing Joss Whedon on set is a blissful encounter we wish we could've seen! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On this week's program, it's shocking they let them make a television series after this. It's Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. And I guess technically welcome back. We were back next, last week. But that was like we were, we were, it was from a long time ago. Yeah, we're always back. You know, it's like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She comes. in all sorts of different eons and stuff. Oh, right.

I was a peasant girl three weeks ago. Right. And as this movie states, one of us was uncomfortably a slave. Someone's an Indian princess. All right, Christy Swanson. Hey, whatever, Jess, Weeden, whatever the fuck ever,

write this screenplay. One of them was a German in the 1940s. Oh, no. Oh, oh, no. This is, of course, the motion picture version of Buffy the Vampire's from 1992, directed by Fran Rubel Kuzui.

Is that a Nintendo 64 game? Yes. That is, I believe. Fran Banjo-Kazoo-ish. Which one? Now, the bear was Banjo or was the bear Kazooey? It was a bear and a bird. No, wait a second. You're blowing my mind right now. Banjo-Kazooey's not his first and family name? No, no, no. I thought it was a little whistle.

You know, like you put a little thing in your mouth that goes, It sounds like a banjo By the way, if this is your first episode I apologize for that And also, this is our like back to school episode There's a thing that I only care about Yeah, nobody gives a ship of you Where we talk about like, you know, high school

You know? This is, I mean, yeah, technically It's a film that's set in a high school But everybody here's 30 years old Exactly. And it's by the way, it's okay to like a movie I actually really enjoy this movie still I haven't seen it in like 20 years until we did this. And I'd like this far more than I like that fucking show.

I can, I can 100% put that in. I agree with that. I agree with Chris here because I've never watched the show. And I know. Andrew just gave me such a look. But it was just, it was still just reacting to the dumbest thing Chris has said. It was reflecting off of you towards me.

But the thing is like, I watch this movie. I'm going to just talk until Steve finds out whatever. Yeah, what the fuck are you looking up over there, Johnny Research? Did you talk to the interns or what? I'm trying to, I finally got to it. Banjo is the bear and the bird is kazooie. I didn't even know there was a fucking bird.

I never played those games. This was a 70s sitcom. Yeah, it was John Ritter, dude. The bird had to pretend to be gay to be able to live with the bear. Gotcha. Makes sense. But what I was saying is like, I never watched the show of Buffy the Vampire Slayer because, you know, I was like,

I really liked this movie growing up, right, like right after it came out, I was really into this movie. And I was like, that's not my Buffy. That's not my Buffy. You're ruining my childhood. I was very into the movie. And then I was also similarly very into the TV show, extremely into the TV show. I came to the television series after it had gone off the air. Actually, I remember specifically being in college and kind of poking fun at Steve. I'm making fun of him. Do you remember this? Because you set us, time to watch the series finale. Yeah, of course. And everybody was like, what a fucking loser? Did you have your

candles and your lotion and your silk robe and everything? You got to look out, you poke the bear, you get the gazoo. But years later, like we're talking, like 2007 or something like that, I started working at the Burns. I started working at the Burns in 2006, and

one of my co-workers is a huge, still is a huge Buffy fan. And he loaned me the DVD set and I blew through it. I would admit that first season is rough. Yeah, I'm actually currently rewatching it right now to go. We're doing a rewatch

and that's the thing is like right now we're just very slowly getting to that first season my wife and I and once season two starts up, I know it's going to be full steam ahead until you get to season six and then that goes slow. Oh, the trio. And then it's just season seven. It's just you got to get through it. This is

how it's always been for me. Because I've tried, watch, three or four people have told me, I tried it once. You did not like it. Yeah. Then three other people at different times were like, please, please give it another shot. And I have each time. And every time I've been like, you know, the first season, you know, it just doesn't grab me and all.

Like, oh, you have to forget that. And the back part of season three. And season five and six and seven. So there's about what, 40 episodes in there that I would be blown the fuck away by. I mean, you're close. I mean, because like, hey, every season aside from the first one has 22 episodes, which is a fucking big ask for anybody. It's a lot of television.

And the back, I think your back half of three is a garbage idea. And I'm a season five man. People don't like season five. I'm a season five man. Which one is five? What are they doing five? That is when dawn finally shows up. Yes, I'm totally fine.

The first, the glory angle is good. It is always darkest before the dawn. That's what I think they use that at some point. I'm sure. In Banjo and Kazui. Now, not to be confused with Conquer, which is a rowdy squirrel. Conquer's wild ride. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, we're talking, talking N-64 games here. We're going seamlessly betwixt early aughts television shows. Seamlessly, I think we're going grubhub between these things. But anyway, so this is, this is, of course, the movie that started it all. It's written by Josh Whedon. Fran Rubel Kazoui went on to be, I'm probably butching that name, but she was an executive producer on the Buffy show and on all of Angel. The finger thing means the money.

Like, whatever the deal was. Of course. Whatever the deal was to take Joss Weed, the script was, it's like, and if it's ever a TV show in however many years or if there's any spin-offs, I get the money. Yeah. Which is totally fine. Yeah.

So to distill it, if somehow you don't know what this property is, it's a teenage girl named Buffy, who finds out that she is the next in line, the reincarnation of the Slayer, this age-old vampire hunter, basically. And a creepy old man teaches her to. do stuff. Every century has a great metal band. Buffy just happens to be the lead singer of this one.

My thing, here was a question, because in the television show, she's Buffy Summers. And they're saying Buffy Summers all the time. Is she Summers in this movie? They don't say one way or another. I didn't think. I wasn't sure I missed it or whatever. But yeah, so she is just Buffy. Yeah. There's no fake sister in here. The mom.

And the parents are out of the picture in the motion picture. The parents, like, write themselves out of the movie. Right. You do see. see the mother, but it's not like a big deal. She's just a rim shot machine apart me? Oh, shot rim shot. All right, I'm just saying. I mean, she also might be a rim job machine. I know it's a new

season. I want to get that dirty that quick. Yeah, for new listeners, by the way, sometimes the show gets a little blue. Sometimes accidentally, sometimes on purpose. But this kind of, there's a direct line, I think, between this movie, I mean, and the TV show's great and all that stuff. But the direct line between this movie and Encino. man and like insidious i think he goes all the way i thought he's right to say inception okay sorry so

so incino man this you're you're talking about like the valley california fitz here don't tell mom is kind of absolutely high concept team team comedy drama e mostly comedy taking place in or around the valley and you know other parts of southern californ los angeles exactly i you know what But I don't give you a Bill and Tenant because Bill and Ted's very 80s. Those are, I'm pretty sure it's 80s. Those are 90s.

Yes. Yeah. Bill and Ted's, but the first Bill and Ted's like 89 and the second one is in the 90s. The second one I would accept. But the location, the accents. The sort of everyone,

it's, there's a lot of snappy dialogue as well. Again, I think the big thing is the high concept. It's like, it's not just these kids are good. High concept, low budget. Exactly.

It's not just these kids are just figuring it out what it's to be a T, and it's like, and he's a caveman, and she's a vampire slayer, and there's a time machine. That's made out of a phone booth. Yeah, no, exactly. And she has to work at a fashion institute for a long time. And because the babysitter's dead, the mom doesn't love the children and the family. And her mom is just fucking. And her mom is just fucking. Off on some island. She's just fucking. It is, that's kind of like the lowest concept of them. But then what's interesting, though, is that 1995 comes along and kind of grounds all of that because, clueless comes out and it's that but without the concept part exactly and then you that clueless gives way to all those like she's all that's which is kind of in the latter yeah no this this whole trajectory is actually very interesting if you track it I appreciate the chart that you brought here to this oh yeah please if you don't mind senator uh if he left the parking lot at 449 it was shot in the head

at 552 oh the uh republicans are now blocking this so actually your trajectory is not real now uh this movie starts with a since the dawn of time oh boy and this is what's quite dumb because you see this flashback uh prologue here and it is clearly christie swanson and donald sutherland playing these characters so when later donald sutherland is like did you ever have a dream where you were a slave or an indian princess like thank god we didn't cut to those no we knew what we were doing oh lo Lord, though. It's the thing that this movie's not above that. It just happened to not do it. But, you know, since, you know, Christy Swans and Donald Sutherland are, you know, old white people, we cut to old Europe

dark ages and that's totally fun. This is Manicke and 2 on the move shit right here. Like these flashbacks. But at the same time, I kind of wanted more because I felt like, give me more of the mythos. Like, give me more about the whole role of the watcher because it seems really

weird. You know what, dude? If you're hankering for some of that, watch the television shows. I've got... I've got 200 hours of entertainment to shove down your throat. I want a little more, not a tonnage. Deal with how terrible most of it is, apparently.

And then there's some good stuff in the... There is some good stuff. No, but I do get... I also think this movie needs to be... This is probably PG-13. I didn't check. Let me double check that. No, it's NC-17. Oh, okay. PG-13. I just would have liked some more gore. Like, let's make a real horror

comedy. You know what I would like to know about? Where are these vampire bodies going? That's a great question. This has been driving me nuts since I've watched this. Landfill? Like, maybe. That would be great. If, like, we saw Donald Sutherland like taking all these bodies to the fucking dump, that would

be fine. Excellent job, Buffy. Off to the grave, off to the landfill with us. Hold on a second, Buffy. I'm calling 1-800-Got junk. Oh, thank goodness. I rented this Toyota Tacoma. Oh, I've got a friend that the dump. His name's Robert But like you would usually see

It's old hat But like you'd see them disintegrate Or turn into glob or whatever the fuck But like it's just like cut They're on the ground I guess No money, no money No money. I guess the idea is if they're vampires

Once that sun comes up you just got a pile of clothes there You know what I mean? So maybe it's just like oh the sun will get it Buffy don't worry the sun Wait no make sure he's done in the shadow Buffy I left the blinds open that's what's weird though is this movie doesn't have

a sunlight death for any vampire and the other thing that we're doing they don't do it a ton I think it's just Rutger Hauer rest in peace by the way and and David Arquette are the oh and maybe Paul Rubens

are the three vampires you ever see flying yeah dude I do not go in for flying vampires I just you're out of your mind it's fucking stupid dude unless unless you're turning into a bat Sounds like some TV show couldn't do the flying.

They did not do the flying. But you know what they did do? The vampires fucking turn to ash. They could also put on sunglasses and I protect them from the sun. Oh, that means that just weed and horse shit where it's like, oh, I'm very vaguely out of, I'm wearing an umbrella. So I'm fine in the sun. I'm like, no. I also really enjoy the spinoff angel.

Sure. But again, that's another thing where that first season is rough, including the fact that for his detective agency that he's running. to go out during the day. He indeed has the Angel Mobile with, it's a car with tinted windows. They're calling it the Angel Mobile? I don't know if he calls it the Angel Mobile,

but it might as well be. But it's a car with tinted windows so Angel can drive around California during the day. Oh my God, so everyone in the Bronx is a vampire? Maybe he just calls it Gabriel. Can you, can we talk about the name? So it opens with

what's, Chris Sewanson? Christy Swanson. Christy Swanson is a cheerler, Buffy, the titular. And there's a whole cheerleading, oh, we need more cheerleading is what we need. A lot of cheerleading in this sequence. For, I mean, it's not that long. It's like 60 seconds. That's a long opening credits.

I wrote cheerleading dash long. I felt it too. I was like, all right, I got it. They're fucking cheering. You paid for that CNC Music Factory song. You're going to get there until the end, my friend. But then like, this is the most embarrassing part is like they're cheering for the Pasadena The hogs?

Yeah, dude. Your basketball teams names the hogs. Well, the whole school, that's the mascots. That's just the basketball team. Like, I just don't think you need pigs or hogs as your mascot. Yeah. In general. You could do worse than that.

Sure. You could have my high school, the Indians. Right. Well, that's, yes. Or you can have a fictitious creature. We were the blue bison. That shit didn't exist. That's, but that's fine.

Like, I wouldn't have any confidence as a player if I was a hog. Well, I mean, that's the thing is you give everyone an eating disorder. Paul Bunyan, come around your high school? No, dude, that was an ox. What? Blue ox. Blue ox. Not a bison. So what is your high school's mass?

What is that even referring to? Nothing. I said it was fake. It's a made up thing. A bison that's blue. That's it. Oh, so like when somebody's playing as M. Bison and somebody else plays as M. He's the blue bison.

It would be actually super cool. Was it actually M. I said like in a blue hat. No, I wish. We had them doing the motion capture after you went and doing the thing. Steve, what was your high school mascot? The Eagles. That's nice.

Yeah, it was your standard. America. I just feel like that's like where you're like going to the mascot store and you're like, what do you got? Like, well, we've got a wood chuck and an eagle. I guess we'll think the eagle stuff. You know, it's like, yeah, whatever. And you'd want to play for you. You want to be an eagle.

You don't want to be a hog or a pig or a fucking dung beetle. Well, that's what I'm saying, you give everyone an eating, You give everyone an eating disorder because if you're, if you got to be one of the pigs, you don't want to be a fat pig because then you're in trouble, you know, so then everybody's, the whole of schools. But unless you're on the wrestling team. And then you're just a fucking sweat hog, you know. There you go.

Great. There's a weird title here. It says Southern California, the light ages. Well, because it's a joke because it's the dark ages first. I understand. However, it's definitely L-I-T. oh really yeah so it's like a I was like diet like yeah like fucking diet Pepsi

like what are we talking yeah dude you're watching your cows man um so yeah it's the cheering you know we're sort of introduced this is a weird thing it's a lot of like before they were famous in this movie you got Hillary Swank is one of the friends this is her first movie by the way

ever nice yeah David Arquette previously mentioned Luke Perry was you know obviously acting You know, right, by the time this came now. He's played a high school student like 20 years before this, right? Did everybody catch Thomas Jane? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

No, but did you catch? I didn't, what scene was he in? He's the, the, Duke Perry works for him at the garage. The guy's like Tim Blake Nelson. Wow. Yes, it's a very early Thomas Jane wheel with Tim Blake Nelson. Speaking of hogs, the star a hung. Well, because he's got, you know, it's confusing.

It's Thomas Jane, but his haircut is Eric Stultz and Mask. Got it. Did you guys catch Ben Affleck? Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Dude, his face in this movie looks like it's got five pounds of veal on it. Baby. He's a little, it's funny, he's a little jowly.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. But it's a year before Daysy Confused, but what's also weird is the kid at the beginning of the movie who gets turned into a vampire is also Overall's kid. Yes. From Days and Confused. Sasha Jensen, I think. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, the love interest. from Halloween 4. Yes, that's right. And you've got a blink and you miss at Ricky Lake cameo in here. What, really? Yeah, she's the waitress at the bar. Huh?

She's the waitress at the bar. Oh, get out of town. Did anyone watch the trailer for this? No. It's... And Ricky Lake as waitress at the bar. No, it's just the Luke Perry show because that's the only way we get asked in seats.

It's like, it's just all the scenes of the movie and it's like, yeah, I kind of met this girl named Buffy. It's kind of weird And he's like going through it RIP Luke Perry by the way Yeah I didn't even say it

Because I still just forget That that that's a thing that happened Like Rucker Hauer also sucked But you know he was 75 He was great I know I'm kidding Death Yes yes yes

Yeah now that's just a fucking tragedy That that dude's gone though I can't even believe I can't believe they're fucking doing this 9-02-1-no they're doing this reboot without him He was never going to do it though Oh was he never going to do it Yeah they they green

lit it and he wasn't going to do it. He found his... If they're not taking the... Wait, is it there... A reboot would be new cast. I'm sorry, no, it's a remake or a continuation. They already remade it though. Yes, they did. There already was a remake. Listen, I gave that a hearty shot that, that, like that sequel show or whatever it was.

That was trash. Well, no, I mean, Luke Perry had found his home as the dad in Riverdale, and he was very good in that show. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, that's what everybody said. But, yeah, and he's got incredible presence in this movie. He's hands down the best part of this movie, I think. He's got it because he's funny and he, like, he understands what the movie's supposed to do. I think Christy Swanson's, actually, I think most of the cast is really good. The script is not, and the editing is horrific.

That is the worst part. Yeah, right on that. And I mean, maybe the script, maybe the Josh Witton's original tome was better, but what made it to the screen is not a good script. No. So from this like Basketball opening credit thing Where we're meeting everybody We cut to Buffy and her group of friends

Walking around the mall It's kind of like you're getting all of They're definitely throwing out like Every single like Valley Girl term And just seeing They're in essence They're trying to make fetch happen right here They're trying to like get one of these things

Like into the culture And have people start using it I don't know if any of it took off in 1992 or not There's a lot of it But what's did you get the thing that's fucking hilarious that they're complaining about like they don't like they're going to leave the mall that they're at and they're talking about which

mall they should go to next because they want to go to the movies and they're like oh well we can't go to such and such a mall they're like yeah the sound system that is terrible one of the girls is like oh yeah they don't even have Dolby and I'm like what why would anyone be complaining about this? Somebody call

one of the other movie theaters also rejected because the corn sucks thing. Oh oh it's not the corn sucks bogus corn Bogus corn? Oh, man. I'll tell you, I've had some bogus corn in my life. Oh, I have a fucking dry ass shit.

Bogus, bogus corn. You should read, next time you, dear, gentle listener, get bad popcorn. Go back, you're like, dude, what's up with this bogus corn? Yep, totally wouldn't. And then if they give you any lip, you go, what's your damage? Which actually I want to take off. Oh, yeah. What's your damage is a good one? It's a good one.

I do like that a lot. Both me and Andrew have made popcorn. for a movie theater. It's all bogus corn. It's disgusting if you actually knew what was going on. It's gross. Oh my God. What the fuck were you guys doing with that shit? Oh, dude. You want these two aren't washing their hands. Let me tell you. That ain't salt.

Listen, if you go I'm going to tell you this right now. Here's a, here's a pro as an insider tip right here. If you go to like the first show of the day at a movie theater, you get popcorn. Unless you see them popping it, and putting it into the bag or bucket

that you were taking with you, you do not purchase popcorn because I will tell you what, there is a great shot. The pissing in it, dude. That that popcorn is from the night before. Oh, I see. Yeah, you want to wait.

Because we would put it in a big fucking garbage bag and it would just sit there. And then the next morning, you turn it over and you heat it up. Yep. Yeah. Were there like, and there's like bugs and shit in it?

No, no. No, it just would sit back in the cleaned popcorn popper. Like, you cleaned the pauper every night. We weren't doing this in the Beetlejuice. world. Dearly, beloved. Hey, babe, I'm going to get some popcorn. You want me to put some bugs on it?

They're buttered caterpillars. This book says, to get the new releases, we have to draw this chalk outline on the door in the shape of a projector. So, yeah, it's a lot of, like, hanging around the mall. There's some dudes that float in and around. Buffy has, like, a fucking no-name boyfriend guy. I don't know who this dude is.

Is he? Yeah, I mean, first of all, half of this cast was in the film's school ties. Don't you worry about him. Him and do you know, it's him and he's got a little sidekick. Oh, the really horny sidekick. Do you know who the sidekick is? No. He is one of the Drews that wrote Boys and Girls previous episode.

Really? Yeah, Andrew Larry. He's also in my boyfriend's back, which is also the next of that. That is the most directly related to this. because this is like vampire-like comedy and that is zombie-like comedy. Yeah, that is a stay-tuned. Isn't he the boyfriend?

I think he is the titular boyfriend who comes back. I re-watched that. Yeah, not too long ago. It's 100% stay tuned. It's awful. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, so a dude from dazed and confused, Sasha, whatever his name is, is like kind of walking around outside. He stumbles upon the mall carousel. And here we are introduced to Paul. Rubin's Vampire Extraordinaire, and there's, like, a, you know, like... He's snarling on it. That's what I love about it. He's just sitting on the horse snarled. Oh, yeah. It's like one of those, like, who's there? And like, man, I remember at the time thinking, like, who is there? Like, the first time you saw this movie, like, who could be there? And in my head, it's like, literally anybody but Peewee Herman. And there he is fucking swinging in the frame. Chris Cabin Pro Tip, never ever walk around an empty carousel at night.

Yep, big time. Somebody's going to knife you. Something's going to happen. Yep. Ghosts. So this happened to you? No. It's just me.

Am I? You're just general life advice? Well, because of this movie. I watched this movie. I'm like, you saw a movie. Yeah, and I was like, yeah. Paul Rubin's. Also, like, there's that episode of the Twilight song where the guy goes on that carousel by himself and he fucking goes back in time.

And don't go around any amusement park after hours, period. Don't go to any amusement park, period. Yeah. Never. Honestly, honestly, there's going to be trouble. Also, Eric, every illicit meeting that ever happened, happened at a fucking carousel at night. And Michael Clayton

and all those fucking movies, it's always something like that. Well, because if you're lucky enough, you got one of those bench seats, the bench things on carousels I always laughed at because, man, you're on a carousel. Get on that fucking horse.

It's for neckin. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I want to be fucking making out while I'm spinning around to fucking horrible Calliopee music. With a bunch of eight-year-olds around you. Well, you're eight-year-old hook, hooking up and having whatever.

Sure, sure. Is there a carousel in the firm? I feel like there might be. That seems right. Yeah, like fucking face off. That'll teach you to ride a carousel. Maybe the Pelican brief. Pelican brief for sure.

I got it. Okay. It's by, oh, I'll meet you by the silver horse. Oh, fuck. Yeah, you're right. You're one of those. Shit like that.

Yeah. Never ever. Or you would get a vampire. Or you get a vampire. By the way, this is the first year after Paul Rubin's masturbation controversy. So, like, this was him in exile. beginning of his exile. That's interesting, though, because, well, if this movie came out in 92,

did they make it before the incident? Yeah, that might be the case. Because this is a meaty role to have, like, right after the jerked off. A main masturbator in, yeah. And, you know, again, I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. He was just salt in the popcorn. You go to a porno theater. Sure.

Come on. Yeah, you're going to jerk off. Just come on. Who was the person that was complaining? There was no, like, internet to jerk off to as well. Now, newer, younger listeners, I should say, don't really understand what it was like back in the early 90s. Yeah, the real struggle, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, so I think what he did was fine and let's ease up as a society. I think he's good in this movie. I like him. He's great. And I mean, I absolutely agree what he did was a crime. However, this would make sense as a response to that because he gets his jerking hand cut off. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Could be a comment.

Semiotics, dude. Fucking semiotics. Wait, you're saying Rubens is a lefty. Oh, yeah. He's a Southpaw. I see. It'd be funny if that was what the movie Southpaw was about. Oh, it's not?

No. But no, it's, but this is again, the terrible editing. It's like, you see Paul Rubens, you see the kid from dasting and confused. We're out of there. We don't have it. Yeah. And we cut. And that's the thing.

Like, it's weird. Like, if you're, you're listening to this and you're like this conversation seems stilted it's because like the movie it just goes from like thing to thing it's bit bit bit bit and there's no like flow to this this like what is it 87 minute movie 86 this could be a 95 minute movie really easily exactly and if it made it like flow a little better yeah I'll take the extra 10 minutes also by the way we don't get back to Shane for 45 minutes yes like he like he's what happens when merrick like has his face off with Rutger Howard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, so this is the last time you see him and then you don't know what happened. So you just, all

suddenly shows up as the vampire kid in the basketball game, 45 minutes into this goddamn thing. But so Buffy and her friends go to the movies. They're terrible at the movies, it seems. You're just talking at the screen. Everyone is, and David Arquette and is yelling out, it's the Lockneck's monster.

Yeah. Which now I want to yell out in the movie because there's no way they were watching a movie about the Loch Ness Monster. But what's weird though is like Luke Perry is like oh these guys are ruining the movie like referring to Buffy and their friends but then he and David Arquette are also just talking through the movie yeah

so it's like they do they also want to be the theater comedians and they're like oh these like you know four girls in front of us are stealing our thunder kind of a thing I was like back there but like could you guys you guys go over there at least like even it out this is this area is way too hot right

oh shit they fucking they double booked it what are you talking about We're the headlining theater comedians tonight. You had all your opening act stuff to do through the previews. Now the feature's on. It's our time. Where are my M&M tickets? Hey, hey, thanks, guys.

Thanks for coming to the early screening. I want to be trying out some new stuff here. Oh, it's the Loch Ness Monster. Okay. Pizza pie is very hot these days. You suck, McBain. Thought I'd have a better audience at Summersby, but I guess not. Oh, Somersby.

That was a saucy little movie where Richard Gear Is he immortal in that movie or no? He was Amish or something close enough and it's just like this fucking sexy ass barn raising

the sweat off his brow I forget who he's fucking in that but he's fucking someone He's fucking the audience dude Might be Jane Seymour actually Whoa wait a second And turns to Andrew Renting Summersby

I've never heard of this movie I saw that growing up Oh yeah dude you did it like growing that day That was the day you became a man, a movie man. I became a movie man, Eric movie man. Summersby is 1993. Oh, damn. A farmer returns home from the Civil War,

but his wife begins to suspect that the man is an imposter. Oh, come on. You can just do that. Yeah, why? I'm Greg. What are you talking about? Man, the fucking balls. What are you talking about?

The balls. Yep, I'm home. And you. are. I believe I'm entitled to a meal and some sex, please. Oh boy, that Thaddeus Stevens, he was something, can you make me dinner?

The homo signs of the post said you make a good pie. So, yeah, I remember when your brother died of influenza. No, he didn't. Your father? Okay, you're right. It's like crossing over with John Edwards.

I'm sensing an M name. Oh, that cold reading. That happened to a couple days ago. What? What I was waiting for my wife at a bar? Yeah. This guy comes up to me. Oh, Jesus. And like he starts... How much did you lose? I gave him like five bucks because it was

pretty impressive. Did you plant those magic beans? Well, no, he just did this whole thing about like, you've got... And he's getting some stuff right. Like, he's like, oh, I think you have a small business and I'm like, I guess I sort of do. And then he's like, oh, you know, this, that,

and the other thing is like, you've got a lot of siblings. I'm like, I have a lot of siblings. And he's like, doing all this stuff. I bet you're a giving lover. Yeah, yeah, I am. So then I gave him love in the bathroom. Cold readings going great. This cold reading's turning pretty hot.

I bet you would let a man sleep on your couch that you don't even know. And then he's doing this thing where he's like, oh, you know, blah, blah, blah. He's touching you? No, he's like, you know, what kind of colors are your favorite colors? I was like, well, I guess I like blue. Well, actually, before he even asked me, you write something. and down on a piece of paper. He crumbles it up. And he's like, well, I guess. He's like, so what's

your like favorite color? Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, I don't know, blue, I guess. He's like, oh, and he opens it up. And it's blue. It's blue. And I'm like, oh, shit, this guy's got magic. I just blew myself. But by the way, I'm wearing my wife pointed this out. Afterwards, I'm wearing the bluest sneakers

that ever exist. They're like incredibly blue sneakers. But, you know, here's the thing. Do you think if you said green, but he had written blue, he would have just crinkled that paper up and ate it? No, I think he popped it right in his mouth. You probably would have gone to like, okay, blue, that's a

blue's a good color. That's in the green family. Yes, exactly. Oh, Lord almighty. So what, that was the extent of it? That was the extent of it? Well, then at the end, he's like, oh, you know, for good, he's like, tell me all this shit, like, I can't wear black on Saturdays

and all this stuff for good luck. The next five years will be very lucky for you, all this stuff. And by the way, if you give me, he's like, well, you just have to just, give into this fund. I'm like, here it is. This is what the thing is. And we've been talking for like 10 minutes because I can't get away from this guy. And my wife didn't show up yet for the bar. And I'm like, fuck.

So I had five bucks in my pocket. I'm like, here you go, man. And he's like, you know, for 30, your luck would be a lot better. Like, dude, we're done here. This has been this has been the end of our experience. Oh, that's fucking serious. So if you ever see me in the street, I'm an easy mark. That's crazy.

Somewhere around here, so this is this is classic bad editing right here, I think, also because there is a quick scene where Paul Rubens goes back to a hideout situation and he's doing the

like, oh, master, I'm doing a great job at building you a new family, like we're going to be very strong, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like a hand just comes out of the coffin. Yeah. So I think like you're supposed to take from this terrible cut from the carousel to this room that Paul Rubens

has turned that kid into a vampire killed him and he'll come back as a vampire. uh because that's the update he gives to rutger hower in this coffin so it's like the movie's asking you to do all this like one-in-one kind of shit where it's like if it was just cut together a little bit like if you just saw him attack him you'd be like all right i get it it's it's just a little smoother it would be an action scene too which this movie could kind of use exactly cafe blazze oh man uh the braz was way better and the brazze blase blaze uh and all the girls are planning this big dance. It's not the prom for some

reason. It really should be. They keep calling it the senior dance. With prom booked does that cost money to say prom? It's only to service a joke in the middle of the movie when the rest of the girls on the planning committee are mad at Buffy

because she's out slaying secretly and she can't, you know, come to cheer practice and work on the dance stuff. And I think it's like Hillary Swank is like, this is our last dance in high school. And like one of The other girls is like, oh, well, except for the semi-formal and the formal and the senior prom and the senior dance. So it's just inconsequential.

That's going to joke about it. Just do the prom and have it be. That's like a thing. It's the big dance and it's like a theme dance and it's like the theme is the environment. Is this the same night as the him staying over when the parents got out of town? Yes. Yes, I think that she winds up going back to him. because it's a very long night

for Buffy. I was going to say. She's at this little bar or whatever. Pike and Benny, who are Luke Perry and David Arquette are there. Yeah. And they're kind of like hate flirting with them a little bit. Like you're fucking, they're negging them. They're nagging them. They're negative pretty hard. They

ask. Luke Perry fucking yells at them, we hate you guys. That's a great, great way to name. That's the ultimate neg. Excuse me. It works. Ultimate, it's the long game, but it works. Yeah, you know what? Yeah. Prove me wrong. kids. Ricky, they do the old

Simpsons gag where it's like they throw a bunch of change on the counter. It's like what do we got here? Oh, right. And Ricky Lake's like a hot dog or two cups of coffee. They split a hot dog in the most foolish way possible. This is, yeah, I think this is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen done with food. David Arquette

gets the hot dog, Luke Perry takes the bun and I mean like guys, just cut it down the middle or cut it in half. Or rip it in half or something, my lord. Maybe Pike's a vegetarian though. But they can't split it because the hot dog serves as a stunt weiner for David Arquette who shoves it in Buffy's face

and says, I've got something for you Buffy and then this comes into the editing thing too because then suddenly it's just cut in half and she's like oh she ruined my wiener or whatever and it's like I want to see her cut it in half you don't see her cut it in half you have this bifurcated hot dog dude I mean maybe they did that was like an all day thing

like all right Chris you take 200 no that's you missed it again You keep just punching David in the crotch. I kind of wanted pike and bunny to eat it from both sides. That lady and the tramp. Totally. That's what that's the move actually, I think. But yeah. It's just, it is, because he, it is a, it's not coming out of the fly of his pants, but it's

right there and it's like, it kind of even like wiggles a little bit when he shakes it in front of her. I was like, my God, this is inappropriate to do to someone. Especially they're older, too. They're very clearly older. Like they're, they're both. He works at a fucking garage or whatever. Oh, yeah. They're men and these are girls.

They're like the 20-year-old dirt bags you're trying to pick up like 10th graders right now. That's the most confusing part about this movie is. How old is everybody? What the fuck? Well, we just, we laid it out. But it doesn't, I don't buy, like he's read it. Well, they're all played by 30-year-old.

Dude, it doesn't matter. It's a fucking 1992 movie about high school. Everyone's like 50 and 30. That's just how it was. Uh-huh. Like Stephen Root's only like four years old than Luke Perry, probably. Yeah, I think so.

When I was growing up, I was like, my whole life's ahead of me. And even when I say that now when I'm fucking 36, because I still think I'm in high school based on the fucking films I watched growing up. I too often wake up in the morning, look at the mirror and go, yep, still in high school. And then I go naked to the exam. And then they say, you're under arrest. And I'm like, what? By the way, speaking of inappropriate, you mentioned Chris Cabin, mentioned the lady in the tramp.

Yes. You believe that as kids we were made to watch a movie where two dogs are trying to fuck? Yeah, I believe that 100%. Disgusting culture, of course we did. Well, Martha, we're going to sit down and watch the dog fucking movie again. They did two of them. It's this and 1001 Dalmatians. I think there's like Italian chefs trying to help them fuck.

Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah, go in the back alley. Let's watch this. Give them a little food. They'll start fucking. Well, just imagine me like, hey, are those dogs, they're in love. It's like, Ew, what are you talking about? You fucking maniac? Hey, everyone, get out here and watch the dogs be in love.

Oh, he's a pumping into her. Oh, he's a pumping into her. That's a beautiful. Fucking 101 Dalmatians, by the way. Those are some fucking Catholic dogs. That's what that is. They are married. Good God.

So she does go home to her boyfriend who's played like Randall something or other. His name is Jeffrey in the movie. Yeah. This tall dude. And, like, you see her. parents for five seconds. They're like going out to something. Anyone see what this kid's eating, by the way? I didn't even know these existed. What the old school Doritos? No, Doritos light. What does that even mean? I have no

idea. It's the light. Like low sodium? I guess so. The light ages. Did it have the shit oil in it? Oh, that fucking the wavy lace thing? The shit oil. They didn't buy popcorn from you, did they? Oh, Lester, I believe it's called. Yes. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. What? You can have a bad reaction that our Lesterra

which would cause you to shit your pants. It was like a chip craze in the mid to late 90s maybe, I want to say. Like people were going out and getting this because you would shit. No, no, no.

Because it cuts the cholesterol and a bunch of other shit. Oh. The calories were cutting a big time. So maybe that's what this is with the Doritos. It's like the light. Maybe it's something with the cal.

Maybe they were baked. Yeah, they could have been five tortillas. Hey, babe. Can't hook up. just yet. I'm shitting out these Doritos. These Doritos light, man. My stomach's on fire right now. Aren't you horny?

Hey, aren't you horny? Hey, why don't you play with yourself while I'm getting the rest of this water out my ass? Oh my God. That's awful. Yeah, I think it was like anal leakage. I don't think it was pure shit. It was just like just started to like seep out.

Hey, babe, you're not thinking about Christian. Oh, Christian Slater in there, are you? Because I'm, oh, better than he is. I'm going to be out there in a minute, babe. You're going to... I'm a real man. I hope you like your buttons hot.

This is the actor's Randall Battenkoff. You'll see that guy on some Lifetime movie. Don't worry about it. He's actually in as good as it gets. He is. Bad clone of Thomas Over Scott. Yes, he is. That's who I thought it was for really long time.

Then I realized. it was. Because I was like, was he on Dead Man on campus? No, that's the other one. And he's no T-E-S, please. Oh, we're calling him T-E-S? The T-E-S. Okay. Isn't he in something like new-ish that was out within like the last year? Wasn't he, he's at the end of La La Land? He is. That's, I think, what I was thinking. Oh, right. So, which is to say nothing. Yeah, with the garbage movie. So, like, she has a nightmare. Well, it's relax. It's a correct statement from my point of view.

We go back in time again, like a hot minute. And then. Oh, no, this is one, like, she's doing the mirror stuff. You see Rucker Hauer as he is in this movie with this great mustache. Oh, it's the best. Because in the O.G scene, he's got this big, like, old medieval goatee going. Right. Now he's got a crotchy. O.G.

O.G. Oh, G. I thought Lothos, the vampire, was framing O.J. Simpson. It is California. That's true. Yeah, exactly. Lothos did it. I swear. It was the king vampire. It was an awful lot of blood on that crap. scene. For what is what I'm saying? That's true. Well, listen, there's more blood on that crime

scene than in this movie. Would there be less blood on the crime scene if Lothos the Vampire King? Oh, yeah, I guess that's true. He'd be trying to like suck it up off the sidewalk. He's got more dignity than that, Chris. By the way, it's a goblet man. This, the connection to Encino Man runs right through a line that happens kind of around here. It's a little before where we are right now, but I don't want to miss it. I believe it's David Arquette referring to Buffy, I think, says her yabo's scoff at gravity. Oh, this is

when it's him and, yeah, which is just weird. This is when they're like doing this weird like on the road. We're just drinking. We're drinking and like we're kind of contemplating suicide but not really. Like they're both sitting on this ledge and Luke Perry's got the flask and they're wasted. And this is what David Arquette's like

yeah, they're talking. He's like, oh man, Perry's like you like you like you like you like those girls are so shallow and blah blah blah. Yeah, but they're yaboes, this, that. the other thing and he's like plus I'm just drunk hey man another drink and I'd go I'd hook up with you which is always the classic right oh yeah no isn't that wouldn't it be hilarious if I kissed you wouldn't it be funny if I was in love with you I have to say though Luke Perry's reaction here is very much like no that's fine man he doesn't punch him in the face yeah which is very

way I haven't heard Yabo's since Animal House yeah Yabo's is not a thing it's a very rare one you don't see that in the wild that often. A yabo in the wild man. Yeah, few and far between, I will say. I don't even think Fast Times pulled that shit. I don't believe so. Uh, also, this is where uh, Paul Rubens comes up again and snatches David Arquette away. And Luke Perry fucking just passes out in the middle of this mountain road. And that's when you get Donald Sutherland and he's like, this is not a good place to go to sleep. I'm just hunting for kids right now. Don't mind me. I'm hunting children. Him as the watcher, he's trying to find out who the chosen one is as the slayer.

Sure. And there's like a birth mark, but Buffy had it removed because it was a mall. So is he just like wandering high schools across the California coastline or something? I think he's got to read on it's her. That's why he's there. But I don't know. There's some mystical shit going on. But he doesn't know her name or name.

He didn't initially know her name. No, that's right. He's been watching. Yeah. Like the first time you see it is in the mall and he just stops the elevator and is like looking at her. Oh yeah. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. I forgot about that. I think

it's a thing where like he's known because he does make mention of like, oh, I waited too long. He's known, it's her, but he's been like observing or whatever for a one. He's a known pervert. He's been watching from the bushes. Dude, he's an old man at the mall. Of course. Why do you think old people are at the mall?

I knew something was interesting about this town that that girl right there, she's the chosen one. And that girl over there, well, she's the next karate kid That's true Yeah he does And between both of them

The Yabo's scoffed gravity They know It's like a real That boy My boyfriend will be back For him There's a reincarnation thing Right

Yeah So and you know It jumps around Obviously that's been Established with old Europe The The princess of native origin Yeah

The American South Right So So It's just seems like throwing a dart at the fucking globe like but I guess there's a mystical force

that drives him knowing where she is those yaboes are policemen or the tractor beam he's like those are them yabo's radar dude but the weird thing about that whole reincarnation angle and in the show they kind of they don't do that it's like literally when one slayer dies another slayer again anywhere in the world

gets picked up but there's also a watcher network of people all over the world so it's the green lantern or something it's very much green lantern ask but in this It's like, so if she dies, you've got to wait for like another 17 years. But like within those intervals, vampires could take over the world like that. Well, that's, it's a bad plan. It's a bad system.

You need more than one slayer. Why are we trying to stop them also? Like, who really cares? We're all going to die anyway and the world's going to die soon. But like, here we go again. Like, would it would be a big deal to be undead? Oh, no, I'm into mostly being a vampire. Right.

scenarios, although they better come quick because I'm going to start deteriorate. But this is all assuming they just turn everybody, and they don't. Some of them, they just fucking eat. Yeah, the audacity of you, Eric, to think that they would actually want you in their army. I don't know. I think they'd pick me.

Back to Eric's death corner. If they don't pick me, it doesn't matter. Yeah, I'm not thinking anymore. That's the beautiful part of it. I'm way into being a vampire. It's a top tier monster to be. Exactly. You don't want to be a zombie you want to be a vampire of course so yes it's flipping a coin if you'll become a vampire

or just fucking you know a blood bank but that's fine there's a chance there's a pretty good chance i don't want to be that you could be an immortal sex god you could become one of those capris sons from blade trinity that's a good that and you would just be alive being such your blood out for the rest of your god damn i also it also depends what the vampire lore is this but this buffy vampire lore for sure i'm into it yeah uh i'm not because It seems like you maintain your personality. You're still cracking wise. You're just slightly eerie.

I don't want to be that fucking, from Dustal Dawn vampire that looks like a fucking rat or whatever. Don't turn me into a giant rat. Monster face vampires, yeah, which is also what the Buffy show did is like they altered their face like a little bit, and there was just like some bad cling on makeup on there. Yeah, but you can vamp out.

You can kind of go back and forth, which isn't so bad. But I don't, the vampires, by the way, look like shit in this movie. They do. It's just, it's pale-faced. You got the teeth so everyone who's a vampire talks like this. Yeah, it's so bad. Hi, I'm Marker Howard. Isn't this awesome? The caked on white makeup looks like a fucking Filipino zombie movie. It looks so bad. I think Shane, what's his name, does the best of it other than Rubens. I think he does well with it. And he's the one to actually give ears and the whole thing too. So I was like, okay, why'd you do more of this? He looked like a bat-faced boy before he was. turn into it. That's also a problem. I guess the ear thing is a bad thing. It's like, I thought

they were turning into elves. Like, you know? No, he's flying around. Ooh, it's a prequel to Bright. Oh, shit. So, Buffy at one point, we're sort of like bouncing around here, but there is a scene that's very important. It's Donald Sutherland

meeting her. Yes. So it is, they're developing a new cheer. There's a friend in this group that's a Carrie Russell knockoff. like the friend who at the end of the movie is like dating Buffy's boyfriend Jenny. Yeah, she kind of just looks

like Carrie Russell's stunt him. I wonder if she got to behind the scenes work on the Americans. The one that's brought to Howard had the friend, I forget. Oh, the short, the girl's a bob. She's an actor. She's been around. She's, uh, oh, you know who she, at the end of high fidelity? Yes, she's the one who comes in the shop and he almost leaves, what's her name for? And he's

also, she's also in urban legend. I think she's the first kill on urban legend. You're right. Oh, the gas station? Yes. Oh, wow. Nice pull. So yeah, they're working on this year, whatever. It's like, all right, we're going to wrap for the day and whatnot. And Buffy's, like, hanging back for whatever reason, doing a bunch of, like, backflips and shit. And then all of a sudden, it's just Donald Sutherland

hanging in this gymnasium. Yeah. And, like, he gives, like, a bad pitch here. He's like, oh, so you've been having dreams. And, you know, all this shit. Creep level 2-11. You've got to be like, look, dude.

lead with the vampires. Yep. But no one would believe that. I guess that's true. Well, what do you capture one and be like, look at this guy. Look at this happy fellow. Little vampire friend here. I shrunk him down. Look at him. So right. So right. So right.

So right. Now you're looking here at my fist and my thumb is pretending to be a jaw. But just imagine if this was an actual person. Oh, he's kissing your neck. That's how vampires do. But so he's saying to her, like, I'll prove to you what's going on here.

And he's got the creepiest line when you're trying to sell a person on something. A 17-year-old girl on anything. So you'll come with me to the graveyard. Oh, come on, Sutherland. Yeah, she's not a goth. Think this through. Might not be the best first date. I mean, meeting.

You're right, because nobody's perfect. And I guess you're supposed to, they do say about, you know, because it's, the same souls between the two of them throughout history and stuff. So I guess that justifies why she's so comfortable with him but it's like

she does not react appropriately to this at all. She's like not skeezed out by him. She's like yeah, I'll go to the fucking graveyard, whatever. But then he cold reads. He's like, well you've been having dreams, right?

She's like, well, yes, I have. And he's like, well, you're a slave or an Indian princess. Like, oh my God, your favorite color. Is it blue? Come with me to the graveyard. You know, Buffy for $30. I'll take you to the graveyard.

But that's what she kind of believes him. Oh, well, it's also because she's like, oh, he mentions you're definitely having dreams where Rucker Hower is on them. Are you having dreams with the guy from Blade Runner, Buffy? No, no, the bad guy. I mean, he has more hair. You'd have to think about him a little bit more.

Ray Batty. Or is it Roy Batty? I think it's Roy. So, yeah, so they go to this graveyard, and this is where I, realized one of the things that this movie needed and they definitely didn't bother with it

and again something the show does better they needed a fucking fight choreographer for this movie because it's so slow paced like we're doing the action steps one at a time these vampires are like get back here

you know like the most action you get I think one like jumps on Buffy's back and she's like swinging around with it but it's just it's slow motion here we go. But these are dumb Californian kids. They're not going to, you know, not everyone attended the All-Valley competition.

Some of them are just dudes that are just dumb. People fight stupid in real life. Yeah, it's more realistic. That is for sure. Well, that's the thing is in the other Buffy universe. The second you get bit by a vampire, you know, like, mid-level karate at the very least. Yeah, it comes with the virus inside you.

That's, you know, it's what it is. I, yeah, I, we need to be the first. fight choreography. It just also needs a special effects like gore person. Like if there was like some blood in this scene like it would be something. Because like you wanted to end like ideally it's like

she kills both of these vampires it's a crazy fight or something and at the end she's covered in blood and it's like Donald Sutherland is staring at her and she's got to be like holy shit yeah or something you know that would be something to look at in a movie

I don't know. You're paying your money. You're spent your money on Donald Sutherland, I guess. By the way, who is that 3.5 this entire movie? I like Donald Sutherland a lot. He clearly didn't give a shit. The final scene that he's in in this film is one of the worst things he's ever done in a motion.

You know, he's just like, oh, I'm in the new movie, Bippy the Bupos. I don't know what my film, honestly. It's worth it because reading that Wikipedia entry was just so fucking funny because it's like, Josh Whedon's like, they're letting him improv and he's ruining my great script, so I'm going to walk

offset enough. No, did that happen? And he talks shit about a loser. It's like, dude, you so, and reading the production history is weird too, because he sold the script to like Dolly Parton's production company. And suddenly, Dolly, and suddenly Donald Sutherland is starring in your movie, that's a great thing. And he's just so pissed off about it to this day. My writing so good. Well, that's the, apparently he talks shit about, like, just, uh, about Sutherland. Even today's like, he, there was some, like, there was, they made a, comic out of this movie but out of his script and he's like

oh it's the best version of that of my movie and it doesn't feature that actor who shall not be named I'm like you mean Donald fucking Sutherland what an asshole yeah I did not know that motherfucker were you word include were you in MASH

I have a quick question Josh or Joss or whatever it is I know that your dad wrote for the Golden Girls and awesome but were you in clute Animal House Did you show your ass in that film?

I showed my ass An Animal Hoose Are you Canadian? Yeah, I didn't think so. Get the fuck out of everything. I am superior to you in every way. Just let me play my character Marriott. But it's true.

I mean, Donald Sutherland is awesome even when he doesn't give a fuck. He's a 3.5, but he's one the best parts of this movie. Honestly. There's a weird thing around here where like Donald Southernland has dropped Luke Perry back at his apartment or whatever and like

Luke Perry wakes up to a knock on the window and this is, it's David Arquette as a vampire and he's flying and it's fucking great because Luke Perry is immediately like oh, oh you're a vampire. Oh, I'm not going to let you in. And like David Arquette's doing like, come on, I'm hungry.

I'm hungry. Arquette's having fun in this movie. He definitely. It's a fun scene. This is actually my favorite scene, I think, of the whole thing. I just wish you had climbed up there and not flown because it's stupid. Oh, my Lord. Have you seen the Lost Boys?

Yeah, I don't like him flying in that either. I got to say, you were crazy. What? I'm not crazy about the Lost Boys in general. I think I watched it too late. You know, I didn't grow up with it kind of a thing. And neither did I. I mean, I like it fine, but I'm not like a little too much.

So you guys want vampires that do karate and go to blood raves. Yes. That's where. That's it. It can walk out in the sunshine pretty much whenever. I could also go for a Tilda Switten. We're fucking getting fucked up in Tangier vampire. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. And we're like hanging around burned out Detroit, listening to records playing guitar. I could do that kind of vampire. That is the most... But if she levitated for a second, would you fucking flip it out? I'm okay with the flying.

You're going to point that shit at him. Yeah. Figure out who's complaining. Sometimes you guys are like Legion, the demons. I will say... Speaking one voice. Al-timer vampire fantasy

is only lovers left alive. That is like fucking take me now, Lord. I get to hang out. Like, I'm just a cool person forever. Awesome. Eric, Legion, look at these two bodies. This is a station situation. If I've ever seen it.

If I ever saw one, man, absolutely. Legion. He's walking around without pants on. Holy shit. Stand Drew. Stand Drew. Nice. Ew.

We got to do that a lot. show. Then we form into one thing and it looks exactly like Eric and it just goes, Stan. Let's do this. Let's make it happen. Stereck. I am Starek. We're going to be playing the West Coast

in November. I'm saying Portland. We're going to merge in Portland. I'll just be vomiting off the corner of the stage. It takes so long to detract, though. It's going to be a problem. Yeah, well, we'll figure it out. Okay. Because you can just be off to the side going. Does anybody want to go to the cemetery with me.

So, yeah, he's like, all right, we're at this fucking cemetery. He's like, all right, here's what's going to happen. See that dude right there? That dude died the other day. But you know what he doesn't know yet? He's a vampire. So we're going to sit here and wait for him to rise up from the grave right here, which they do. Yeah.

And she fights the guy, but also it's like she's sitting on the grave of another vampire. And so it's two-on-one kind of a thing. He really throws her into the fire here feet first is the idea. And she's like, you knew there. I was going to have as a guest, but I needed to make sure. Oh, he also throws a knife at her head, which is kind of fun. Oh, that's when she's, like, turning him down in the locker room. Because, like, he's like, where were you?

You missed vampire slay a practice. And she's like, I told you, dude, I had cheerleading practice. And he throws a knife at her fucking forehead, which she catches. It's great, too, because it just cuts to her holding the knife and it's such a cheap effect. And there's so many cheap effects in this movie that it's super endearing to me. just seeing like, you can watch this movie and you could just make this movie with your friends.

Yeah, you totally can. It's pretty great. Yeah. Because nobody knew how to do any of the action or anything. So yeah, like, he like, he makes the mime that he's throwing it. And it's like, I caught it.

Yep. And you just insert a sound effect that's like, and there it is. You threw a knife at someone's face. They do a similar thing when she's in Stephen Root, the principal's office,

and she spits a pushpin into a fly. Oh, yes. Yeah. Which is kind of a cool thing. That's like one of the worst edited scenes of the whole of the whole thing. Because I feel it's like Stephen Root was improvising about like whatever he's, he's like talking about, oh, I was cool. I used to take drugs too or whatever. I took acid at a Doobie Brothers Company in the 60s and I could feel the music like I could see the music going into me.

It was red. And the scene like the whole point is like Sheik is getting ready to get the fly with the tack. So you would think it would end with the tack going in and be like, oh, holy shit. Yeah. And no, he's like unfazed by and he's like, and then I freaked out, cut to Thomas Jane. Yeah, it's really bad. Well, you think that because they had to cut because Jocelyn was so upset because Stephen who is improvising.

Shit, that's not what the script says. Stephen, that's not my witty joke. I love women. Look, I etched all your scripts into stone because they're like the commandments and you are supposed to respect them. Okay. I'm 24 years old. This is my movie. My dad didn't slave away. Yeah, I'm saying it. Golden Girls for this many years for me to be treated like this. What a fucking stupid baby that guy is. Holy shit.

He also looks like an egg. So shut up. He definitely does. He looks like an egg with a bad beard. Yeah. Whenever I saw people following me on Twitter, I was like, is that just Sweden? but you know people like I enjoy a lot of his stuff I enjoy a lot of his work but he seems like somebody I wouldn't want to hang out with Yep that's exactly right The cap on the locker room scene

That's fucking hilarious though Is she then punches Donald Sutherland Squarely in the face Yes Which is great And this kicks off a training montage Here's my question about this training montage What hotel ballroom are they training in?

I think this is like Is it Donald Sutherland's house? Merrick's house. Really? It's clearly just an unused hotel bar room. The chairs are stacked. The fucking overlook

in the off season. Yeah, and it's just like this like, here's some vague vampire training. We're just gonna do it, man. We have to do it, Buffy. Otherwise, they're not gonna believe that you, a woman, could be good

at anything. That's the law of movies. There's a weird, like, there's like a dummy hanging from the ceiling and it's like you're training to do like a forward roll and throw, like come out of the roll and throw the steak

and it's like she hits the dummy and the leg and it's another Donald Southern looking really bored he's just like the leg he doesn't say anything but he's just looking at this dummy like no hey Josh is that lunch yet or what

oh Josh just a note from your brilliant script you wrote am I supposed to react in any way when I look at this dummy I don't want to improvise and hurt you feelings. Ross. Can you edit around all my yawns or not?

Because maybe if you can't, man, you know, I don't want to take an edit to your brilliant script, but maybe my character is just tired. Also, don't have your dad call me ever again. That was a nightmare. Josh, this one scene that I know I'm supposed to be, and I'm thinking, maybe you could shoot me from the back, and I'm going to have my son Kiefer. stand in for me. I'm quite tired of this film.

Oh, so don't bring your father around. I had B. Arthur back in the day. She's on my side. Oh, dude, I'd watch that. Be Arthur, Rue McLanahan. I fucked them all. Betty White. Oh, I had her. Went through the entire cast of the Golden Girls.

One night. That's right. All in one night. All in one night. I even fucked that little Quentin Tarantino fella. Anyone ever see that Golden Girls episode with Burt Reynolds? I just watched it the other night.

No. Oh, it's an amazing Bert Reynolds thing. Is he fucking Blanche? Well, no, the whole thing is like... That's exactly what I thought the plot was going to be. It's like they win tickets to a, what do you call it, a Bert Reynolds new film opening. Everyone's really excited.

A lot of misadventure happens. The whole episode's happening. This is like the late 80s. Yes. So what is it? Sharky's machine? People are excited to go to the. premiere of a Bert Reynolds

Hell yeah, dude, rent a cop with Liza Minle or whatever that movie was. And like the, the gag is only Dorothy's mother Estelle.

Estelle Getty was the actress. Only Sophia can go. There we go. And she's the only one that goes and like she's telling all these stories about how she met Bert Reynolds and Adam Deloise and all this stuff. It's like, Ma, you're just making this up

now when you're making me very angry. and like the doorbell rings and it's Bert Reynolds and I was like oh my god it's at the end of the other thing I was like oh my god Bert Reynolds he's like hey Sophia

you want to get out of here and she's like yes Bert I'm coming and he looks and all the three girls other golden girls are looking at him like oh my god

it's Bert Reynolds he looks at them and he's like ah so these are your roommates so which one's a slut and that's like that's like that's the blackout that's the blackout line

of the episode which one's the slut Oh, no, I'm sorry. The joke is which one's the slut and everyone raises their hands? Because everyone wants to fuck Bert Reynolds. That's amazing. And it makes sense because Florida, dude.

Oh, totally. Yeah. He's fucked everyone there. So the weird thing is Buffy's powers in the show and like most of the mythology proper is she's kind of like super strong, like super strong, almost like Spider-Man. Yeah.

That kind of level of strength. Well, speaking of Spider-Man, yeah. But she, exactly. And that doesn't happen in this. She's not that. She's strong enough, but not super strong. But the only power she has, aside from, like, kind of heightened durability, et cetera, is she has, like, a spider sense for vampires, which is fucking menstruation or, like, cramps. Yeah.

Yeah. It's weird. It would have been funnier. Which does not make the TV show. No, it does not. But it would have been funnier because, like, she says cramps and then, or she is, like, holding her stomach or something. Donald Southern says cramps. Like, the gag should be like...

First of all, ew, by the way. Back off, old guy. Yeah, Merricky, fucking weird, pervert. But, like, the gag should be like, oh, I got to take a shit. Oh, there's a vampire. No, I got to take a shit. That's if you were a vampire.

Andrew, as the prophecy says, whatever vampires around you, the slayer must take a shit. Wait a minute. What do you mean I can't put my spidey cramps in the show? I want them in the show. to adult for the TV Save it for the Avengers, dude

Somewhere around here Yeah, we mentioned the Thomas Jane thing Like Luke Perry's like, hey man You gotta get out of here Yeah Something's going on in this town I'm just gonna abandon everything I know and move

I'll see you later And he turns and steps into My God, it's the Mystery Mobile Yes, Luke Perry is driving The mystery mobile in this movie The weird thing is he's got so many vehicles throughout this film. He's got this thing. The motorcycle? He's got a dirt bike

and then a motorcycle. This is California living guys. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, right, because he has the dirt bike in one of the scenes. But I think is the dirt bike when he's like apologizing to her and they're like on the sidewalk or whatever? But then yeah, at the end of the movie he's got a fucking killer hog

and a motorcycle. I think he got the mystery van from Spacoli probably borrowed it from him. Oh, they're cousins. and like things are going on she winds up stopping she saved she winds up saving

Luke Perry again because his car breaks down well this is a ridiculous again it the fuck like if you cannot hire a stunt coordinator hire a fight fight choreographer like do not put these things in your movies I mean I'm sure they had them but like

it's just it's not good this is like Luke Perry gets sort of surrounded by some vampires here because the van won't start and it's like Paul Rubens and then there's two other dudes behind the van and Paul Rubens is like walking towards the car whatever and then like Luke Perry backs over the two guys and he goes forward

and Paul Rubens is like on the windshield and it's that kind of a thing but like the stunt driver is going like 30 miles an hour it's just not good and then they have him like drive into a field where it's like don't worry you're not going to hit anything because it's all fucking grass

except for the one tree that he slowly drives into. We're doing a little bit of Teen Wolf car surf at this point, you know? Kind of, yeah, you're right. And this is when Paul Rubin's punches through the car and, like, he gets thrown from the car

and his arm gets ripped off. Right. That's kind of fun. They do, there's a nice thing here where, like, the hand is still moving while Luke Perry's holding it. It's kind of funny. But, like, it's another weird,

like someone having an inappropriate reaction because Luke Perry's like, oh, man, an arm. Yeah. Somebody scream. Somebody get freaked out at this situation right now. The whole film, like, no one has that range of emotion.

Yeah, it's all kind of stilted and flat. That's the way I wanted my dialogue delivered. I love women. Power to the women. Yeah. Josh Whedon. I know my wife's out of town next weekend. Would you like to come over and talk about Buffy?

I'm going to write a show where a girl gets forced into being whatever customers want her to be. Yeah. that's dollhouse oh dollhouse i love women wait what was that they were like people would show what was it was a it was a thing where like they put personalities into bodies that were like the dolls i think was the idea um and it was all like action based no one was like could i fuck it yo uh so they they dabbled in that though oh yeah yeah i i watched both seasons of it eventually it got to a thing where like in the second season they did sort of make it more actiony and they

like went like several years into the future and it was like kind of cool but that first season's a lot of like oh is Samantha here today and it's just like Eliza Dushku in that moment is like whatever person she's up like they're all program it's kind of like the matrix like they like wipe their memories and they

put in characters and shit it's just it's a weird fucking premise man I'll just leave it at that Paul Rubens has a great line around this car chase though where he goes, like the car won't start or wherever he goes, kill him a lot.

Yeah. Great, great delivery here. That makes the trailer. Oh, did it? Oh, I didn't remember that. I mean, I think Paul Rubens is fucking the best part of this movie. Yeah, he's really funny. It's up there. And so, like, this is when they kind of all

form sort of a team. It's really weird, like, I don't think, like, Luke Perry and Donald Sutherland ever say anything to each other. Like, they're never in the same room at the same time. I don't think so either because there's a weird, like, this is where, like, so she saves him. Yes. The American Buffy show up. Buffy kills the vampires, not Paul Rubens, but the other dude's or whatever.

And then she takes Luke Perry back to her house because he, like, passes out or something. Because he's, like, hit his head in the car accident. And then, like, Donald Sutherland just, like, fucks off. And they, like, this is where they awkwardly have, like, a moment where it's like, oh, yeah, like, I was shitty to you at that bar earlier in this. film but now like we're going to have a thing where like we talk about like how our parents are shitty or whatever that is and then she's like you can sleep in the guest room hey real quick how old are you yeah yeah very important question he's got that fucking soul pet oh the soul patch my lord it was king back in those it was well he has a soul patch and also it's like very clearly it's a 902 i know here

but i'm just pushing it down yep yeah we had a hat on in between takes but once him and buffy kind hook up there, that Soul Patch leaves the movie. Well, no, he shaves it. Very triumphantly. Yeah, he shaves it off. I was in the bathroom. For the final dance. Yeah, when he's getting ready, because he definitely does

a maintaining of the Luke Perry sideburn. Of course. Those things were insured by the Fox Corporation for $24 million. Absolutely, dude. Aaron Spelling was like, all right, you're going to do this movie over the summer. Fine. You fucking come back in late August and that shit's messed up.

I'm going to sue your ass. I am not... Fucking sue you. We do not do fake sideburns on this television show. No, no, no, no, but really, how old are you? I'm a... Teen. What's the oldest teenage you could be?

19, yeah, I'm that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go with that. I'm a 35 teen. So there's a big basketball game, and it's like Buffy has to go cheer at it because it's like you got to keep the cover up. nobody in town can know that she's the slayer In between that

She's just talking around with Luke Perry In the town square And David Arquette overhears them When he's in a telephone booth Or a photo taking booth And he's like, oh, it's Buffy So I think that the plot is Cute joke here by the way

When he leaves the photo The photos come out with no one photographed I like that I like that Yeah that was a good joke I thought that was okay But he's like Buffy it's buffy and then like he tells paul rubens and now um that's when like i guess this is like a plan to bring this guy to the basketball game this dude grueler uh who is sasha whatever his name it's

sacha jensen oh is that the idea oh i didn't i didn't understand that yeah i see i see and she's cheering right at the game we also got a little scene with with uh i don't know if it's right here but um paul reuben's talking to rucker hower and rucker hower as the king vampire or whatever then He's like, oh, no, we're going to wait for the dance on Saturday. And he takes a cat as a little snack. Yes, that's weird. He's from Elmack, dude. Exactly.

He's eating cats like Alf. It's amazing. Also, I want to see that happen. Yeah. First of all, Rucker Hauer was game for anything as an actor. I'm sure he would drink a cat. No problem. Absolutely.

The guy was outstanding. But, yeah, so I think we're getting some things mixed up here because the basketball game happens. That dude is there. Yeah. That all goes down. And then this is around where, because, like, Buffy sees that the dude is a vampire. He gets put in the game to play.

And he's, like, going to attack somebody. And then she, like, trips him. And it turns into, like, a whole kerfuffle there. This is where Ben Affleck shows up. Ben Affleck is on the other team. He kind of only has, like, one line, more or less. He's, give me the ball. And he's, like, ew.

Yes, yeah, he's freaked out by the vampire. Those boys look like they'll be dazed and confused. There's some jokes with the basketball coach being like a new age California guy. That's kind of funny. Yeah, because he's all, he's like, go out there and assert your personality or whatever, your personhood. He's also folding up their like basketball warm-up suits, which is kind of funny as well. That's pretty great. Like the dude takes it off and throws it on the ground and he picks it up and starts folding it like laundry.

And this is my question. So he comes in and like, everyone's like, ew, this guy's really. really good at basketball because he's a vampire teen wolf and remember to actualize actualize and like the ref is like hey get that guy out there because he can't like float and like does a dunk but everyone was cool with that fucking werewolf playing that now vampires can't play high school basketball but wherewolves can it's discrimination man right in southern california exactly teen wolf was like two towns up i think teen wolf also fits into what we're talking about it's a little earlier but yes yeah i mean buffy should have buffy versus teen wolf i don't know how it never had

How about, like, just combine all this shit, right? Like, my boyfriend's back, Buffy, teen wolf, like, do a super film. Or, like, build up to it, like, the Avengers. So, like, Southern California's, like, the Bermuda triangle, essentially. It's always been. Yes. A, it actually is.

A, it actually is a B, yes. I also think, yeah, I think that that would be the thing. It's like, they've been trying to do this dark universe for years. They never write out. But now we do a fun dark universe. Yeah. Teen dark universe. Exactly.

Bill and Ted. fucking Raptors back. Yeah. There you go. Oh, man, that would be fucking great. Hell on earth. But around here is where there's the big, because they're chasing the vampire. And she

steals a motorcycle from is this not Leo Johnson from Twin Peaks? It looks just like it. It's not him. I think it's just a ponytail. Yeah. But it's like a kind of like chunky balding dude with a ponytail playing a biker. I could

sworn it was fucking Leo Johnson. I get it because he has a similar reaction as Leo would have probably. You get a D-bomb here, which is really something. A little bit of a deep, like, yeah, he uses a slur at Buffy and then proceeds to

say, I'll tell the world. Which, I mean, that's kind of funny. It's such a pathetic fucking thing. What do you mean? You won't print my story. She's a D. I found out. We have to track these people.

You're the L.A. Times. This should concern you. But then, because there's something around here too where they're running to Rucker Hauer at like a carnival or something. Well, this is like his last stand, sort of, right? It sort of is because this is where Donald Sutherland gets killed in slow motion. Buffy has the, because Rucker Hauer says something to her

and Buffy goes, are you addressing I? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pretty great. But then, yeah, they just have this slow fucking fight where Donald Sutherland like just slowly raises his like arm up to like put a stake through Rucker Hauer

and Rucker Hauer just takes him it's like no I'll be using this now and just gently places it into Donald Sutherland's chest and murders him and then he then slowly falls over By the way this from the internet ticket it's not Leo Johnson that actor at the same time was appearing

in Twin Peaks Firewalk with me and the same year he was in Critters four. Nice. Good for him. Was he playing a Crater? I, uh, he was playing a character named Bernie. There was supposed to be a cameo from David Bowie, but they couldn't make the money work. In Buffy? Yes.

What? Yeah, like I guess he was going to play somebody. I'm a vampire in Southrie, California. No, instead he went with Leo Johnson at Twin Peaks Firewalk. Oh yeah, that's true. Well, there's only two, one movie I can be in this year. It's either Twin Peaks I'm Buffy the Vampires Slay. He would have been the Rucker Howard part.

Yeah, or it could have been like maybe there's a stinger scene with another vampire. Oh, shit. What about a sequel? I'm back. Maybe he's the good vampire. Oh, man, in the dark universe, Goblin King, dude. Oh, nice.

Or The Hunger. He was in The Hunger. The Hunger is great movie. That's a much better vampire movie. Not a floating for my sense. Not in a floating. They're horny, but it seems uncomfortable. That's the thing.

That's a vampire. I wouldn't want to be a hunger vampire because they're like, there's a lot of weird shit going on. Because there's so much in that movie is also just like boring, rich people shit. Yeah. It's just like wasp fucking. Which is just like, yep, there it is. I mean, the hornyest vampires are interviewed with a vampire.

Oh, for sure. That is straight up the horniest of all vampire tales. And the horniest werewolves are in the howling, I believe. Also, cry me a fucking river Brad Pitt in that movie. He's like, I hate being a vampire. I have to look like this forever. Yeah, you look like a 1994 Brad Pitt forever. Yeah, what a tragedy.

Get a haircut, you'll be fine. Well, he can only watch the sunrise in the movies. Which is how I think most people experience the sun coming up. Yeah, that's not a legit complaint. If someone's like, man, you can't turn me into a vampire. I'll miss seeing all those sun's rising. Get the fuck out of here. You're not watching the sunrise.

I think I saw the sunrise. I don't think anyone has ever seen it. Oh, you think it's a myth? Yeah, I think it's just, the sun's suddenly up and it's suddenly gone. Richard Linklater is full of shit. But yeah, so then they have a clear, like, Donald Sutherland is dead. This is like, end of act two, everything falls to shit. She has a fight with all their friends.

It's a huge blowout because she doesn't want to work on the dance shit. Yeah. Like they're all in the dance committee making the decorations and whatnot. She's like, look, there's bigger things in the world. This is, this dance is stupid. By the way, Rucker Howard can hypnotize her. That's like his thing. Yes.

But is it because like they're also supposed to have this age-old connection? Or is he doing that with everybody? I think it's a little bit of Bose. Did you do that with the girl to the girl with the Bob? It's ill-defined. Yeah. I think it is part of the age-old connection because there's a few like, there's even like some flashbacks we get. Yeah.

Where they've battled before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she has the spat with Luke Perry right here. This is where he's driving his fucking motorcycle on the sidewalk, man. That's very dangerous. And this is where David Arquette overhears. Oh, right. I also just love, like, what is this side story where David Arquette vampire is just alone in this photo booth?

He's just enjoying himself. Here's the gag, though. This is the gag because they did that, the film strip comes out, which is great, and he's not there. The gag is, he comes out, he goes, Buffy and walks away, photo comes out. It's a dead girl with bite marks on her neck. and no David Arquette. That's the joke. That explains what he's doing in this photo booth.

You get Tom Jane in that booth by Marks out of that. Sure. Or you show his hog. Maybe he's just dickpicks, dude. Was he showing his hog in that show? I believe so, yeah. There was a fake hog. Oh, yeah.

Stunt hog. Yeah. I guarantee you, Tom Jane auditioned for both Beverly Hills, 9-0-2-1-0 and Melrose place a little bit. I could be Jeff on that show. Yeah, totally. He could have been Andy. Or Scotty.

He could have been Scotty. Definitely auditioned a lot. Yes. Not a lot of people called the bad. No, no, definitely. No, P.T. Anderson did, though. Yeah, he did. So, yeah, we have a montage where, like,

Luke Perry is really serious about, like, the vampire hunting, and Buffy's like, fuck you, I'm going to buy a dress because I want to go to the dance. So it's this montage of, like, Luke Perry just breaking legs off chairs, making stakes. I do think, and I don't have any evidence of this,

but I feel like one of the things they did in Joss Whed in the script was like, okay Luke Perry is getting asses in seats there better be more scenes with Luke Perry right right right you know what I mean it's like it's Buffy the Vampire Slayer but it's like more like Buffy and Pike but mostly Pike

Well the script has what the script has I love women Sorry but it's now called Pike the boyfriend A lot of this is Pike the boyfriend Look what else do you want for me I cut out all the scenes where all the you know all the characters say the really true thing Joss is a cool name

what else do you want from me is that his real name it's just josh right and he's been a cool guy he's been a cool guy i think joss is a name yeah really yeah it stands for a joseph joseph hill we yeah that's what i thought joe thanks joe weed joe whedon i mean seriously yeah no you've never met you never met someone named josh josh wait no i bet a josh that as in joshua but with the the j o s

Joss, that's how he spells it. That's what I'm saying. What about it? It's fictional. It didn't happen. Never happened. This one is directed by writers. So we go to the dance. This is the big finale of this movie. It's Hug the World is what we're doing. Do you guys catch a look at this DJ? Least enthusiastic DJ I have ever seen it. Oh, yeah. It's almost like this guy didn't know the fucking camera was rolling. But to be fair, that's the most realistic DJ. You're at a fucking high school. dance. That whole like

hug the world thing is another thing we were doing in the early 90s where like any environmentalism was played as a joke like teens like that's in clueless a lot. It sort of isn't clueless. Yeah. There was some dialogue in here where it's like one of the girls was like how about don't tread on the world and like Buffy's like well you kind of have

to if you're walking on the planet. Kind of a funny exchange. Yeah and then there's also some great ignorant exchanges where it's just like like oh the ozone layer yeah we got to get rid of that thing. Yeah. They're talking about, like, what are environmental causes or whatever. It's, like, littering? Yeah, sure, littering.

Which is, I mean, look, and again, I get the joke of, like, these are dumb Valley girls or whatever, but, like, it is good that kids cared about that shit in the 90s. At least we even get it being a thing in this movie nowadays. You'll never fucking hear about the environment again. No. Like, literally never. It's either a movie that's a post-apocalyptic, whatever, because it all happened. That's the only way you can get into a movie.

Like, a character can't care about that stuff. Yeah, no, totally. Salia Shorts had an environmentalist character, right? Zoe or one of those girls was... Zizi, and she was the freak. It's also a fucking weirdo. Fake name, too, by the way. No one's Zizi.

Oh, yeah. I got something in from the... I think she was a... That was a nickname, though. Yeah. Which a nickname is fine. Yeah, wow. Their real name was Zizala.

You got some audio here? Hello. Oh, thanks, everyone. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I see what this is going. Yeah. Wow. Good God.

No, keep it going. Keep it going. So, be it around. Oh, hi, Kurt. How about your lunch? Listen, if you're glad, how about a big lunch? My God. You're Mr. Bart Reynolds.

I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on. Is the one man you told me about? Yeah. Which one's a sweat? I am. They all yell, I am. They all fucking want it.

There's an alternate cut where they all fuck Bert Reynolds. Oh, nice. You got to buy the series on DVD. We were talking about salute your shorts and environmentalism. Sorry. And then that happened. And then Bert Reynolds struck. I was expecting Zizi to have her fucking...

Classic line. Yeah, I thought it was going to be a salute assurance. I mean, I'm glad you found it. Sure. Don't get me wrong. It's nice to imagine that Golden Girls would just turn it to short bus. Oh, my God. Yeah, watch me flip my feet over my head.

You want to invite a few more people over here? How about a few more people over here? How about your whole retirement home that you know all the old people? Yeah, bring them all over here. Ma, you can't tell stories about Italy during the OG. Ma! It was cool that this senior dance was sponsored by Diet Pepsi.

Oh, dude, there's so many two liters. Holy shit, man. There's a lot of soda at this dance. I couldn't believe it, man. I'm surprised they sprung for it. I thought this was an RC place. No, yeah, no, no. Oh, you royal crown. Hot take, R.C. Cola. It's good. I'm totally fine with R.C. Cola. I like it.

Does it exist still? Yes. Yes, my God, man. Yes. Yeah, they only, they exclusively sell it at the part of the grocery store where everything's all discounted because it's dinged up and fucking dirty. Yeah, you have to ask the guy at the bodega to go get it for you. Yeah, where's all your dented soda? R.C. Kola, now with less dense. So Luke Perry shows up to the dance for Buffy. It's very nice because her boyfriend is with the other friend, Amy or whatever. Jenny, I think.

Oh, Jenny. And he shaves his soul. Pat, she doesn't even remark upon it. Not like, oh, you shaved. That's all right. He knows that he shaved it, though. I guess it's all that really, man. He's looking like Luke Perry, man. Yeah, he's looking his hair back.

Yeah, I don't worry about nothing. It's totally fine. And then the vampires crash the dance because David Arquette's spread word that Buffy is the Slayer. Interrupting a great Toad the Wet Sprocket song. That was a real bummer, man. Oh, that's when they're slow dancing, kind of.

And it's a banger. And I believe this is when Hillary Swank does that line about, Like, well, I already invited them in because they're seniors. It's a good joke. Oh, yes. That isn't half bad. Yeah.

Hillary Swank, after that line, though, just is constantly screaming through the rest of the scene until she is fucking physically assaulted by Stephen Root, I think. Yeah, but also, like, she almost gets pulled out. I'm like, no, kill her. Just do it. The movie's got 15 minutes left. Exactly. Nobody's going to be upset. Like, this is, and like, make it a joke because you can do that in this movie because it's a movie where kids are dying.

We need a body count that involves characters we've been introduced to because we don't really get that because there's a bunch of people at this dance that do die. And Stephen Rood has the hilarious thing about giving them detention slips and throw it. Detention slips on their fucking dead bodies. It's probably the biggest laugh of the movie. Did everybody see the scene where like they literally switch the white girl for the black girl getting killed? What happens? Like Hillary's the vampire comes into the win. They're about to get Hillary swank.

She gets away. and then the the black friend comes in and they just take her and she's presumed dead oh that's fucking terrible and again kill Hillary Swank

because she's been also like kind of Buffy's antagonist this whole movie like a little bit yeah there was the leather jacket situation at the start of the film oh right Buffy really wants to buy this fucking disgusting

yellow leather jacket and then Hillary Swank swoops in after saying that it's like yeah like it's been that's so five minutes ago yes oh that's the line Yeah, yeah. And then she goes and buys it. Man, that's a fucking, that's a shitty move. Gotta say. Got to say. Stop. Stop worrying what other people think. Okay.

Buffy, be your own Buffy. First of all, they wouldn't be selling it if it was five minutes ago, Buffy. What is happening now is happening now. It's not five minutes ago. It's now. So Buffy leaves the dance to draw all the vampires out of the dance. Does Luke Perry kill David Arcad at the dance? Because they have a fight. He does. He does. They intercut. She like does this like, The only one of the only stunts in the movie, which is somebody flipping a bunch to leave the dance. Like this line of vampires like, hey, hey. I'm not sure if he's dead. He throws holy water on him and his, like, faces burn.

But then he says something like, hey, man, that's rough. No, but he gets killed. So the way this works out is she goes out, she kills all these vampires. Then she goes to fight Lothos. Donald Southerun's last words are, like, when the music stops, then you'll be free of Lothos's control. Right. This is intercut with David Arquette

fighting Luke Perry. Luke Perry kills David Arquette by throwing him into an electric something of the fuse box which causes the music to stop. Okay, gotcha now. She kills, obviously, Paul Rubens. They have kind of a fight here.

It's like a fight. Like they come out of an exit hallway and they just have like a minor scuffle. There is some good dialogue here too because Paul Rubin's is just like, like we're immortals, we can do anything. And she's like, oh yeah, will clap yeah that's a good line he does he goes a little too far with like have you ever had that

not quite fresh feeling i'm like let's not do the commercial jingle everyone yeah it's not great well rucker how or later does the commercial the waving of the hair back when the fire hits him yeah um but yeah so he gets a uh paul rubens gets a steak from buffy here and this is like this is the dumbest fucking melbrook's horse shit i loved it it's so stupid did you love I love it now? Yes. I love that as a kid, now it kind of graded on me. It's just, it's a bit too much.

That's improvised, by the way, in case you're wondering. Wow, that's shocking. Cut it out! Stop ruining my script. I love women. No, I just thought it was fun. I think it, like, the tone of the movie, like, yes, it's a vampire movie, but this is, like, so, like, light and camp that I felt like it fit. I, it, it almost fits.

I feel like you need more of it to really do that. It's a wackier joke than the rest of the comedy is, though. So that's why it feels weird to me at least. But there's like little spots of it everywhere. That's the thing is they just never decide whether or not. Like there's a, like, there's a news joke early on where it's like, that was gnarly or something like that. I'm like, that's a goofy thing. This is goofy too.

But it looks weird in the middle of normal movie otherwise. Yeah. I don't think it's a normal movie. Well, this movie's a fair point. This is a fucking goof troop. Rucker Hauer is now in full on Dracula attire. He's fucking playing the

violin in this scene. It is interesting to be like living in 1992 and still be like, yeah, I'm going to still dress like a 1700s Transylvanian. Totally. Sure, why not? And everyone, well, I guess it's a power move because everyone in your crew is like dressing more conventionally. He's like, no, this is a cool outfit. This is very

expensive. Maybe he tried to do like the Paul Rubin's route where he's like wearing a leather jacket. hate and shit and he's like you know what this it's just not me I have to be true to myself I have to be true to Lothos oh you could have him shopping for new wares and he bumps into Bill and Ted and Napoleon and the whole crew

then he turns Napoleon into a vampire I love it Napoleon vampire the littlest vampire vampire vampire vampire Napoleon fucking lock up your daughters man that guy's gonna take over the world yeah by the way it would be funny if this in this scene he's playing the the violin there's just all these dead cats

everywhere, because he's been, like, feasting a pond cat. I was pigging out. He's got this, like, his voice is very, there's one line that, me and my brother have been saying forever, he's like, I will split you like ratted fruit.

Because, like, he doesn't have the teeth, it's a hindrance. It's a real hindrance to this performance, which I think is actually pretty fun. Like, unless there's a close-up of the actor having to go, ha, and biting someone on the neck, leave the fucking fangs out of it

no one's really going to notice unless it's like Gary Busey and his teeth are always on the outside of his head like your lips will cover it up fine. Gary Busey is a vampire but he's with a mouth full of nothing but fangs. Oh my God dude that's going to haunt me. Actually

that's how they modeled the Langalears. So he's like a cone head? Yeah exactly. He's just chewing out a condom. I'm just eating a bunch of rats. She tries to put a cross in his face And he goes Oh, please Which is actually a great delivery

It's pretty awesome And he lights it on fire And then she uses an aerosol spray To blow it on him Well, this is she has the great line He, I don't remember what the setup is But her retort is My keen fashion sense

And sprays the hairspray in the lighter He does a painting Pro V head his line with something like like is that all you have like your faith and she's like no my keen fashion yes oh right right because yeah that's right after the crucifix yeah I think she's really good this way I think a lot of her jokes hit I think like her comic timing is good I think again like Luke Perry steals the thunder a lot because that there that's how they got people in the seats but I think that she does well here and then she became a crazy conservative Q and on whatever I didn't know this she's a crazy I don't know Q and on full on but like she's a crazy

you can serve. She'll like goes after people on Twitter and shit. Really? Her Twitter profile is her wearing a cowboy hat staring off into nothing. Oh boy. Yeah.

It's great. You don't have to throw her a follow. Hey, Christy, why don't you come to my trailer? I love women. But there's a great, like Rutger Howard.

I mean, this is so awesome. I didn't know where he's got this sword. It's fantastic. So they're having this like, it's, is this, this is in the,

they're back in the, a gymnasium now. Yeah, they kind of rassel back in. Yeah. Oh, when he jump, when, when, when Rucker Howard just bursts into this, uh, gymnasium, uh, Stephen Roots just like, that is just definitely not a student. Yeah, another great line. Yeah, totally. Uh, so yeah, they have their fight here. It's kind of a great, Buffy grabs a fucking flagpole with the California state flag on it. Yeah. And they're kind of dueling with that for a little bit. I wanted it to be, uh, Rutger Howard gets the whole flagpole in the chest. And then it's just like, this. like freestanding flagpole

with the California State flag. It would be great. Everybody see Alexis Arquette as the DJ. Vampire DJ. Oh, that's cool. Oh, so wait, that dude who wasn't having it gets replaced?

Yeah, he gets killed. She comes back, I think, in like the middle of the fight almost. Oh, I didn't even fucking notice that at all. Well, she and Luke Perry were actually a really good friends, Perry. Oh, how about that? The more you know.

Also, David's in the film. And also her brother is also the film and they're fighting and like yeah this is the most anti-climactic and it's so is man like Paul Rubens gets a better death he definitely does because I thought this was like

okay yeah where's the last big scare right and it never comes no like she breaks a fucking leg off a chair and seriously is just like all right here comes the plane it's like feeding a baby like it's so

fucking slow And he goes, oh, this sucks. And that's it. Yep. And yes, you're right. Rucker Howard, this does suck. But then it's awesome because Pike and Buffy danced to a fucking killer Susanna Hoff's song. Oh, yeah.

I love this tune. Also, covered by Real Big Fish, actually. Great cover tune. So that's it. The movie ends with them, like, dancing in the gymnasium amongst the corpses. Stephen Root's giving out all the detention slips and whatnot. And then it's like, the credits are. the news coverage of the event at the gymnasium.

And it's like the on-the-scene reporter is Liz Smith, R-I-P? Yeah, I do. Okay. This is Liz Smith, and for some reason I'm in this movie. And, like, the thing is she's interviewing all the other students and everyone's kind of lying and stuff. It's, like, all the characters you've seen, like, Buffy's ex-boyfriend and the girl are, like, talking. Hillary Swank gets to something or other. Hillary Swank has a thing, because, like, she's screaming during the attack. And I believe it's Stephen Roo.

Somebody comes up and bashes your head. It's Stephen Rood, which is great. And she just like collapses. So the gag at the end of the movie is that she's got like fucking brain damage. My favorite thing. Brain? Is it brain? Brain damage.

Jenny and the boyfriend are like talking about like how like they fucked. Yes. And she didn't like it. So these two young men, these two young whippersnappers fucked. fucked during the vampire slaughter. Because the guy is saying something about like, oh, I knew something was going down and we got out of there, but he's like adjusting

his tie kind of a thing. And then yeah, I guess she just had a bad experience or like whatever went down. I don't know what the fuck that joke's supposed to be. She like runs off like screaming like, this is terrible. And he's like, oh, sorry Liz Smith. I was like, all right. And then Stephen Root's like lying about being in Vietnam.

Yeah. Right. Right. I think it was just like well, yeah, I saw a platoon. It's kind of a funny joke But then man This fuck it Like I'm sitting here like all right The credits are rolling over this Liz Smith thing

Fine whatever We cut back to Paul Rubin Still just Oh my god It's so stupid Eric has a huge smile on his face I do I do because it's silly

It's fun You know I think I have nostalgia for this movie And for that role, too, because I just remember thinking it was a lot of fun. I remember the first time I saw this movie was actually at a sleepover party. Nice, dude. Yeah, probably like 93, 94 maybe. How were you in the pillow fights? For a second, you're going to ask me something totally different.

And the answer was incredible. The answer to both is incredible. Good to know. Good to know. I mean, this was like a heavy rotation. I didn't even bother to ask. on the air if this was anyone's first time with this movie. I mean, this was on, like, HBO

all the fucking time. Well, I think I told the story on the air before, but, you know, new listeners all that. This was my, uh, my sister had rented this movie because she was a huge little Perry head and I was like, can I watch it with you? Because I was a weird little creep, as I always have been, but we watched it.

And then, uh, off my dad's blockbuster card, by the way. And then, like, weeks later, Blockbuster calls my dad. And they're like, yo, dude, you owe us like $75. for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and then he goes to my sister is like did you not

return the movie like no I did I swear to God I returned it I remember very specifically on Saturday and the whole thing this is it's all made up

so he goes to Blockbuster and he fucking tears everybody a new one he's like are you calling my little girl a liar like that oh man

that whole route he fucking screams they drop the case right the case and then fucking two days later it's under the couch here's Buffy the Vampire

Slayer so we had this be on tape from Blockbuster had like the blue sticker on it forever? Oh, sick. Yeah. Wait, so, but the case. Right, was there a video detective at there? I mean, like, was a tape inserted in the case

and your sister took that back? Oh, no, she just thought she returned it and didn't. So you had, not only did you have the tape with the sticker on it, you had the Blockbuster. Oh, yes. They dropped the case what you meant like, you meant like the criminal investigation of your family. The prosecution, yeah. I had, wait. So, you had, wait. So, you know, You get a call saying this, you know, it's not there.

And of all the places you must have looked, you didn't look under the couch. Look, you know what, dude, it was a wild time. Okay. I'll tell you what, though, it would have been fucking better if, like, she just put the wrong tape in and returned it. And it was like, you taped like the Playboy channel or something. Oh, my pornography's gone. And no one's going to miss it. It sounds like a scam run by your sister.

Oh, yeah. She just wanted that tape. Yeah, I think that's also very... Most definitely. I think that's without it. Without a doubt. Your sister's a criminal. The movie is over with. Starting with Steve Sadek for new listeners,

we go around and say, if we would recommend the movie, I will say, it is kind of like points on whose line is it anyway? It kind of doesn't matter because sometimes our opinion will change three years from now. The show's been on the air for a long time.

It's the 10th season. It's a lot. So Steve Sadek, would you recommend this movie? Yes. pretty wholeheartedly even it's super short a blessed 86 months now that half the cast is

tragically dead it's a historical document but no it's just I mean like no I think it holds up pretty well I mean it's a bad movie like it just doesn't hold together like watching this like with a somewhat critical eye in the year of our Lord 2019

I'm like wow these scenes don't make any sense nobody's motivation actually there's no like story here it just sort of happens but all that said it's just kind of a fun thing thing. And the fashion is very in now, by the way. Yeah, that's how waste of jeans, light, light jeans.

We're loving it. Absolutely. I mean, this is one or two bad casting decisions away from being a disaster. Yes. They really lucked out, and almost everybody in this movie is good. So, yeah, I have a lot of nostalgia for this movie. It's one of two

things Joe Sweden's done that I actually enjoy. The other one being Firefly. Yeah, I mean, everything about it. I mean, it really is one of those movies where I realized because I wasn't a 90210.2.10 at all. So I was like, oh, my God, Luke Perry actually can do this shit. Like, he can hold

the screen. He can do the whole thing. Yeah. And Rutger Howard and Paul Rubbins are great. And I agree with Eric that the is great. Oh, you like it now. I didn't say anything bad about it back in the moment. All right. That was me, again, you're looking at the wrong person. I mean,

the thing is like, I can't tell the voices apart on this podcast. And it's also something we hear a lot on this show. But I would also enthusiastically recommend this movie. I really enjoyed going back to it. I hadn't, I really haven't seen this movie since

probably the 90s. Wow. It kind of held up to what my memory was of it. Yeah. Like I remembered the certain scenes. Some of them I remembered a little differently, but it's a fun time. And like everyone said, everyone's really good in it.

Love seeing Rutger-Hauer, man. I was really sad. when he went. And a lot of fun. Paul Rubens, of course, steals the show. Absolutely. No, yeah, I would totally recommend this movie.

Like, yeah, like Steve, I don't think it holds it together as well as, like, when I was watching it in grade school and middle school and whatever. But it's a fun watch. You're fucking in and out, man. You are totally in and out. It is not 23 episodes of a television show in a season.

But I will stand by. That fucking show is great. Show's great. You can find some fun stuff and there are more than 30 episodes that are great Chris Cabin. I said 44. Oh, I see.

If you follow me on Twitter, I'm rewatching it. I'll give you some hot tips. Where are you at right now? At Steven Saneck. S-E-H-E-N-S-J-D-A-K, the Polish spelling. No, I meant where are you at in the series?

Oh, no. We are desperately trying to end this first season. Oh, wow. So this just started. Yeah. Well, no, it started about a month ago, but it's been sort of like, you want to do something else?

Like, we're going to get there, but it's that first season is not great. Season three by the time this air is probably. Ideally. Oh, yeah, you're right. Those middle seasons go quicker than that first one. I'll tell you that much. Oh, absolutely, too. And that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer from 1992, directed by Fran Rubel Guzui.

If you want more We Hate Movies, by the way, check out our Patreon. Guys, we got a Patreon. It's patreon.com slash we ate movies. You know, here's the thing. We're putting out, like, an episode each week here every Tuesday. a new episode comes out but if you're on this Patreon you're getting shit all the time man

we got our side show which is the Nexus we're talking about Star Trek the original series and Star Trek the next generation one episode per show each each episode of the Nexus is one episode of each show discussed at length

quite filthy quite blue advanced level we hate movies we also have a what is called a we love movies feed it used to be another episode of what is a We Hate Movies episode, which is this are movies that we talk about that are considered bad or like we're kind of having a bad fun time with it. But these are movies that we genuinely or generally love.

Like maybe two to three to four of us love the movie. And really like this month we're releasing Golden Eye, a full episode on the movie, Golden Eye. The James Boond movie. Yes, the James Boond movie. You know, I was in conjunction. intention to play James Boone. Fuck, I'd watch that.

Dude, Canadian Bond. Just set it in Canada. He's like going up to the, they don't have a queen. What are they got? Like a mini queen? Oh, the prime minister sounds like, yeah. Oh, no, these moose trappers. Yeah, exactly.

It's a moose trapping plot. Picture this. Donald's Southern like, like, he's in like the woods tracking down some bad dudes. Yeah. And he likes, he gets on one knee, touches some maple syrup, puts up to his tongue. Still warm You know I would prefer my Martini's shaking not stirred

But whatever's easiest for you Sorry Sorry Also just a beer please So yeah we got Gold and I going on there We also have a show Animation Damnation

We are talking about Mostly cartoons you have forgotten But every once in while Some heavy hitters fly in there So there's a ton of shit going on on there Patreon.com slash we hate movies Check that shit out There are new episodes of this show

Every Tuesday And speaking of new episodes Every Tuesday, Steve, we have Right around the corner Another episode coming out Which is what? If you think one Jean-Claude Van Dam is bad

Imagine if there were Two Jean-Claude Van Damme? Wait, two Van Damns make a right That is double impact We're kind of doing an I look at the schedule It's an impromptu 90s month And I'm totally okay with it.

Oh shit. Yeah, it's all 90s this month. And I will say, if you're part of that Patreon, that means you are subscribed to our newsletter, which is indeed the Big Daddy Dispatch. And you already know what all these episodes are because we tell you up front, baby. And you get some movie

reviews on there as well. So double impact next week. It's an awesome movie. I've seen it a thousand times. Can I just say this right now on the air? Please. I've never seen it. Oh. I've never seen it once. I'm very Van Damme ignorant. It's one of my blind spots. What's your damage?

Oh, it's van damage. Yeah, it should have been once you're fan damage. You know what, Eric, you'll get them next week. Sure. So until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen, say that. Chris Cabin. Eric's sister. Take it easy. That was a HeadGum podcast.