We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 442 - Double Impact

Episode Date: September 10, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang gets double vision talking about the stupid, but entertaining JCVD action fest, Double Impact! How was this split screen technology considered passable? What's with the silk underwear? And did we really need that fantasy sex scene? PLUS: Mario had his reasons for wanting to take Donkey Kong's life back in the '80s. Double Impact stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Geoffrey Lewis, Alonna Shaw, and Bolo Yeung; directed by Sheldon Lettich. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program there's two of them it's double impact i'm andrew jupin stephen say that and stephen say that chris kavin eric sisk and we hate movies there's two of them Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hey Movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program. As always, if you are new to the show, this is a comedy program where we use the plot of a film as the seed for a ridiculous and often. blue discussion. Yeah, seeds just like, you know, the man puts in a woman. Anyway, this is a double impact of double impact. I've no idea what any of that was. It's from 1991, by the way, directed by Sheldon Lettich, who also directed Lionheart, also directed previous episode,

Only the Strong, which is great film. Also directed The Order, not that weird Heath Ledger priest movie, rather the JCP movie where, for some and he gets caught up in a thing where he's stealing a Fabrizier egg. Oh, really? That's exciting. And of course, this is the movie where J.C.V.D. plays two J.C.V.Ds. One with

a scumbag haircut and another with an even scummier scumbag haircut. I love, I've seen this movie 150 times as a kid. For some reason, it was, I think it was an HBO situation. For some, somehow this was my first time. Oh, wow. Which is insane. I had never seen either, but I'm like very J.C.V.

ignorant. You're JCV deficient is what you are. I am. Yeah, no, I definitely am, which I'm also fine with. Yeah. That's your fan damage. Yeah, this is a weird one, right? This was like, he wrote this movie, by the way. He co-wrote this film. How much of that do you think, like with a final product we see on screen. Then I kick. Yeah, he just had it. He came up with the kick inserted all the kicks. Like that's, the hand job scene I think was him. Yeah, I think that sounds like, It was a failed hand job, I would say. The fantasy sex scene definitely. That was intense.

Yeah, that reeks of Van Dam. Yeah, it's a weird, it's kind of a weird movie because this movie, like, has, it's like a checklist of action movie stuff that needs to happen. And, like, the plot is totally nonsensical. Like, the idea that there's two of them, I get it, but like, everything else. Do you? But, like, everything else is just sort of like, I don't know, what if they, we need to tuxedo scene, or we'll get the tuxedo scene.

Listen, here's the biggest problem with this movie as I see it from having, just watch it for the first time a few hours ago. When you have a movie in where a single actor is playing twins, okay, the first and biggest

priority for your film production. One of them should be Danny DeVito. Figure out the fucking double technology. They were doing it with the parent trap in the 60s. The Patty Duke show, dude. like we're talking about the 50s. It's crazy. We didn't have that figured out. This is garbage in this movie. It looks so fucking bad. That's one of those like high-deaf things.

You're like yikes. He looks like a force ghost in some scene. Get someone with like a mascot. Like to be like, oh yeah, he was born weird. That's why that one looks weird. Oh no. It's me and my twin. But you just miss my twin. He's in the other room. So you talk to me and then want to oh wait let me go get Alex he went downstairs and he goes downstairs comes back up the red t-shirt you only he only talks on video phone you just see his picture on a fuzzy screen all of this is better ideas than what this is and you're totally right there is like a fucking paranormal like glow to them when they're featured it's so fucking bad i thought like vincent chevelli was going to start screaming at them on the subway get off my trade yeah it's it's

So bad. Did you read the Tribune? It's from a pilot he was getting right. My Ghost Brother and Me. Oh, yeah. And he was getting ready for Showtime. It was an early one. Talk about a one-season television show. This somehow became a trend for Jean-Claude Van Dam. He played doubles a lot. Apparently, you know, in Time Cop, there's the other version of him in a different time. Right. A movie called Repliquant, apparently, that I did not see. But maximum risk was a big one that also featured double where he was like he finds out he has like a dead twin

like they find him dead but it's not him it's like another oh that's kind of cool wasn't that that Chris Rock movie too where he's in the CIA but then he's also playing the twin who's not in the sea what was that that's bad company right that and Maxim Risk like they're in the beginning

the original one is in the beginning and then they cut and it's the piece of shit brother who has to take over oh no I have to solve him murder my own By the way, this is the John Claude Van Damme impression. I apologize. If you want to warm up for this episode, a great entertaining way to do it is to watch the trailer for this movie.

Oh, yes. Phenomenally poor, poorly written narration. It's just this guy just spelling out like everything that's in this movie in like a bad like narrator kind of way. I loved it. But what he doesn't talk about enough is the tunnel, the Hong Kong tunnel. My God, this is Wiley Coyote fucking drew, painted a side of a wall. This tunnel looks like trash.

It's just a mad painting. It's really bad. And like later in the movie, the whole idea is like, because like basically their, their parents were diplomats of some sort or businessmen diplomats or whatever that they partnered with the Hong Kong government and this other developer to create a tunnel from, I think it's. Hong Kong to Kowloon or Hong Kong to the main lane is what they say. Yeah. And it goes but basically like they're trying to like get the money

for the tunnel. I don't understand this. It's just like is it? Is it tolls like 20 years of it's a toll? Yeah I guess. Yeah it's like you got to go back to Hong Kong and inherit your fortune from this tunnel. And there's even like one of the girlfriend

character played by Alana Shaw. Yeah. Her character's like He's like Danielle Wild. Wild. Anyway. Wild. Stalian. She's just like,

well, do you have any documentation on any of this? And he's like, no, but I was there, Jeffrey Lewis says. And it's just like,

wait, I don't understand the idea of like, I'm going back to Hong Kong. I have the airs to the tunnel. And suddenly we get all this tunnel money. I don't think that's how it works. What it would make sense is like after that you get a bunch of like government contracts that really get you a lot of money from other projects,

not this one. If you believe that, I've got a bridge I can tell you, too. It's a bridge and tunnel situation, you fucking idiot. In Hong Kong, first you get the tunnel, then you get the women, then you get the power. Where do I get the cocaine? Where is the cocaine with the power? There's definitely also, so this is actually great because while this movie is in 1991, it is very much an 80s action movie through and through. We have, first of all, as Steve mentioned, the diplomats.

So these parents are the high up in society people that are associated also with the villains who are also high up in society people. One guy is. Then we also have a quick reference, Chris Cabin, to a vague drug trade situation. That we see there's like a bad drug deal that goes bust early on in the film,

which we'll get to. So like for me watching this, it was a real throwback. I mean, we're in season 10 of We Hate Movies. This was like a season two situation. And also, you're getting a lot of fake C&C Music Factory songs going on. The music here is incredible.

It's exactly 1991. If you want to know what 1991 was, exactly watch this film. So the prologue to this film is the ribbon cutting ceremony for this fucking tunnel or whatever. The parents are there. We see the twins as little babies. Yes. You know, and it's a big victory. We cut the ribbon.

Everybody's happy. And then the parents are going home. So this would take place, like, when was John Claude Van Am born, actually? Like the 70s? No, he's, I think he's born in 1958. Really? Yeah, I was like, are you serious? Yeah, yeah.

1960. Oh, 1960. Okay, so Nixon hasn't even gone to China yet, and they're building this tunnel. Well, no, this is, but he's playing a little younger. This is 25 years earlier, so 91 that would be like 76 or something. Okay, they made it work. I just want to make sure they made it work. Yeah, no, you're right.

No, they, for some reason, thought. thought to check that and it was okay and like Jeffrey Lewis uh any which way but loses Jeffrey Lewis absolutely rest in peace fantastic fantastic rug on him that guy's been bald was bald forever and I guess to like show that he's younger they put this silly fucking rug on his head I'm gonna push back a little bit I think it looks pretty okay I thought it was fine you know he'll work with it yeah I mean I looked out of and I was like that looks pretty cool no matter what it looks like Jeffrey Lewis has that natural musk that just brings women in.

That's true. The Cavarca, dude. Jeffrey Lewis, I love this one thing during the ribbon cutting. So they're having like this very professional, the two guys who invested in are like having this very professional discussion like, oh, we finally did it.

And like they're getting ready to do this big unveiling and fucking Jeffrey Lewis goes up to the Van Dam father and is like, sir, it's time to rock and roll. Oh yeah. And then it's great because then this dude who's like some British guy is like well, honey, it's time to rock

Road. Pedal to the medal. And then so yeah, it's this dude playing the father. This is Paul Wagner is the character's name. And he's partnered with Nigel Griffith. Oh, that's son of a bitch, Griffith. This crooked fucker, man. So yeah,

we have the ribbon-cutting ceremony. It's totally fine. Then the parents are driving home back to their mansion. And Jeffrey Lewis is in the car behind them and he's like the security detail. And the dad is like, hey man, you know what? My wife got so horned up by this ribbon-cutting ceremony. I can see the way she's looking at me.

We're going to drive home. You can just go home for the night. You did a great job. And Jeffrey Lewis is like, now listen, are you 100% sure you creator of this controversial tunnel that was just open wants to travel by yourself at night? And he's like, yes, definitely. Don't worry about it. Oh, dude, not on tunnel night. Dude, you don't travel alone on tunnel night. My new favorite holiday. tunnel opens and then the purge is exactly you never know what's coming through what portal you just opened it's right the portal it's like train

to Besson like just a bunch of fucking zombies stuff flying out flashback to them like digging this tunnel and they go through like the shimmer from like annihilation they're like we don't know what this is but we're going to keep building the tunnel fucking bear people coming out dude that's how

that's how Jeffrey Lewis loses his rug he goes into the shimmer this would actually be a good movie right like you have a people are building a tunnel like the new highway needs to go through here i don't care i don't care if that mountain's been untouched and it was a burial ground and whatever blah oh yeah and then you just have that fucking there's like a gate under there mm-hmm oh yeah i would watch that movie i have a feeling i maybe have watched that movie but like someone drives a car through and then you see them come out on the other side of the tunnel it's just a skeleton but they're

still wearing the hat that the guy was wearing while he was driving but they deal with something much more spooky and that is the yakuza who are are much more dangerous. Triads, actually. Yeah. Yakuuses are Japanese. These are the Chinese triads. Just as dangerous, though, Chris Cabin.

If not more so. It's kind of funny because they're like really, Jeffrey Lewis is kind of awesome in this movie. I think actually, he's like this real tough guy. It's the most badass I've ever seen this dude. And he's like trying to have like, what do he call it? They're like back and forth with this like nobody actor playing Paul Wagner. He's like, hey, Mr. Wagner, I got you a cigar box.

And he's like, oh, I'm going to throw this into the garbage, Jeffrey Lewis. And it's like, well, actually, sir, I paid a lot of money for it. I hope you kept the receipt, asshole. It's an empty cigar box. It's an monogram thing. It becomes somewhat important later. Oh, it becomes barely important later, Steve. The lighter becomes important.

Oh, yeah. I guess kind of. But as Chris, he's like, hey, man, are you following me right now? He's like, no, sir. He gave me the night off. He's like, well, that I'm being fine. followed by the triad. And this is when

Jeffrey Lewis is driving a convertible. You just need to put him in a fucking a compact car because the stuntman is incredible. The stuntman is a different race. It is not anything in the ballpark. I don't know what. He looks like a fucking Asian

Loufarino. It's insane. Like come on. Just try to match it at all. Give him the same wig. Let him borrow the wig. Because I know like it's a Hong Kong. Obviously there's not a lot of white people

walking around and especially doing stunts so you want to get whoever you got you want to get the best of the best but honestly dude just put him in a fuck they get a better car put a top on that car tint those windows please anything i'm not going to get confused if you have the interior shot and he's like oh my god and you see him jerk the wheel and then you just cut to a car outside with the windows tinted and it fucking flips around we can piece it together it would be less confusing if the the skeleton we were talking about earlier was just suddenly in the car and then we got back and he's fine. So he flies back to the estate where the triad triad has already started laying waste to these people.

This is a brutal scene. It's fucking so awesome, though. And this is you see Nigel Griffith, of course. He's there shacked up with this dude, Raymond Zhang, by the way. He's the leader of the crime synding. The head of the crime family here. So the two of them are sort of teamed up and they fucking shoot these parents to ribbons. dude, it's fucking like brutal Batman.

It is brutal Batman. I'm sorry for what I did. But what exactly? Okay, so they explain this later. We can just talk about it now. Sure. It's like the tunnel was completed with money from the triads from Zhang. From Zhang's family

put in money with Griffith to finish because Wagner ran out of money. And they killed them because they were the error to the tunnel for it? What is going on? They're sucking up that toll money, dude. I don't understand. The money part of this is a big question.

But much like any real estate project, the mafia is involved. Sure. In any event, the mafia helped out with the Freedom Tower, man. Don't think twice about that. Honestly, God bless them. We are very pro-Mafia on this program. That's a good call it. Chinese, Japanese Mafias, any mafia. Oh, yeah,

no, international crime syndicates. These are businessmen protecting their families and communities, and it's honestly the best line of defense we have. So, but I just don't understand, like, these people are moneyed. You could lean on them forever. Why, why just wipe them out here?

I don't understand. Like, it's just like, and then all of the money goes to Griffith, question mark. I, yeah, I don't. I don't know, but also I don't know that the movie entirely knows. And I think we might be running in circles if we're trying to crack it. Is there one last giant government check coming in that hasn't been cleared yet or something? And that's what they want to get? Maybe.

Or maybe was it, was it a thing? like Mr. Wagner right found out about the like crime money that was put in and he had a problem with it. Oh, maybe he's like, you know, damn it, Griffith. Like I sent you out to raise funds for this tunnel that Hong Kong so desperately needed constructed. And you fucking took crooked dirty money and put it in here. Maybe that was the thing, scenes deleted. I don't know. This movie's already almost two hours. He's too busy belittling Jeffrey Lewis for not giving him cigars on top of the nice fucking thing. Dude, that was the shit move, dude.

Bullshit. Complete fucking bullshit. Why don't you die? I'm glad. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait, what is the bullshit move?

Calling him out for nine and having cigars. Or giving someone a cigar case and not fucking bothering to put some cigars. I mean, come on. I guess, all right. So this is the best analogy would be when you get a new system from somebody, new gaming system for Christmas. Do you want a game in there? Do you not want a game?

You obviously. I want a game there. What are you fucking crazy? Of course you want the game. That's not up for discussion. Okay. Whether or not you should call them out for not receiving the game.

Yes, exactly. That's a bullshit move. You're a multi-millioner. Go fuck yourself. You hang up. You go to your wife. No fucking cigars. My God.

What are this guy's problem? We got to give him a raise so I start getting better gifts from him. I think three cigars minimum for the best gift. Yeah. You don't have to fill the box. And Mario Brothers minimum for a game existence. That's your baseline.

No, exactly right. You know what? You're exactly right. My wife got me a switch for my birthday a few months ago. She bought me Mario Odyssey with it. Bang, bang, boom, baby. That is how you gift a game system. I'm a little rich for me. But like, no, like you gave him a very nice thing. That looks like a nice box. It did. And that looks like a nice lighter. It was a monogram, everything. So the best, so it's them and the maid. So they're getting out. They see the triad. Oh, this is trouble. The dude, the husband tries to, he has a gun in the car, he tries to unsuccessfully. Someone in the production team starts like stapling meat to these people.

Dude. It's like squibs, but also like, I don't even, it looks so bad. Such like body horror, like suddenly they're becoming a werewolf. It's insane because like what they're, what they're doing is like the, the aftermath of the gunshot is like their shoulder is just exploding and all this meats on the outside. Suddenly ground beef is coming out of me. Well, dude. So, yeah, the husband gets it really bad, this Paul Wagner, because he, it is hilarious. This car, he sort of just, like, punches the side panel and this, like, cheap ass, like, little thing falls down.

The guns, like hidden in it. Oh, yeah. Like duct tapes barely hold this fucking thing together. It looks so fake. He gets murdered. He gets really shot to shit. And I was like, wow, that's awesome. I hope the movie doesn't, you know, tap out right there.

I was correct because the very next death. is the wife who gets a fucking shotgun to the face. And they have a shot, because this is when Jeffrey Lewis pulls back up, his character, Frank Avery. And he fucking looks at that scene of carnage. And they have like the woman laying down and that head is hamburger.

Well, he goes, and then Bola Youen from, what do you call it there? From Bloodsport is like the number one heavy, great looking heavy in this movie. Oh, yeah. He's playing moon, by the way. And he comes out. It's been fantastic and everything I've seen.

It's about the size of a moon. And she goes, this woman's dying words are what's going to happen to my children he has a shotgun and goes you'll never know and he fucking ices her it's brutal

what a way to send someone into the afterlife holy shit and there's this maid that he's about to kill that's what Jeffrey Lewis shows up he shoots you in the face here which is pretty cool

yeah it's like a through the car window situation so not only is it like bullets are going everywhere but like you got glass in your face which pays off later with some hilarious makeup effects. And it's basically like him and this, uh, the nanny are like, look,

take a kid. Let's see what we can do here. Well, the nanny, no, it's fucked up the, because Jeffrey Lewis is like, get the babies out of here or whatever. And this lady only takes one and runs into the forest. And he's like, oh, uh, a, a, a, ah, ah, ah, ah, and then he's got to grab the other one. Hold it two babies at once. You know what I mean? Like, look, you were hired to protect those kids. Right. But I guess she doesn't because I guess she eventually just gives one, to Zhang or whoever? No, to the orphanage. The orphanage, okay, right.

But the kid grows up to be a life of crime, so I thought he was somewhat connected to that. You never know, but so, and then Jeffrey Lewis is like, well, I guess I'll raise you in France, which is my favorite, we cut to Hollywood, and now finally, John Clubb's in the movie, and he is, you see him doing an aerobics class at first? Well, this is high eroticism.

He's working at, first of all, he's working at Wanda. workout. We fucking, we like, we like, here's Hollywood. Here's like the people walking around. Here's the Hollywood sign. Here's a woman's crotch. We are going to just peer this camera down. It was crazy because like it starts out like, you know, filming this woman, you know, from her head or whatever. And then it like starts moving downtown. And I'm like, well, we're going to cut eventually, right? No. No. We almost get to toe town. Oh my God. It's pretty fucking crazy. I thought you're going to talk about his fucking voluminous ass that you see in this split

and these band-ax, it's really something. This is a two for man. This has got something for everyone. It does, yeah, for sure. I wanted to do that split on my face. Just see this ass? This is incredible. It's terrific. Unreal.

And this is, he's wearing like tites and like a bunch of like heavy socks and sweat things on his ankles and whatever. And he's telling this woman like the importance of stretching. Oh, you've got to stretch. They cut out and it's like a semi-circle of babes and he's like doing this aerobics instruction or whatever

and he's like because my calves are so big and mostly I stretch out so I can do the split and he fucking does it the JCPD split me I will say it was a really nice touch to have all the hearts in the women's eyes all animated

emboldging. They got the same animator from Roger Rabbit. Well it's kind of like the same scene in the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark but instead of a cast a school room full of like do-eyed college girls like Harrison Ford

it's just all these like it's kind of to be these stranger things season three with Steve that's Steve whatever his name is the lifeguard dude yeah Billy yeah everyone's like

oh you go to the JCDVD class today Wanda absolutely yep oh I'll be there so yeah he's interrupted by Jeffrey Lewis who's like hey man you got to go take over the karate class

and I'm like what kind of institution is this you're doing gymnastics kind of, not gymnastics, but aerobics. And then, like, in the next room is karate. It's a pink karate, by the way. Everyone has to wear a pinkie, which would look great because, again, it's 1991.

Pink is everywhere. Yeah, Bart put his ball cap in the washer. And there's this, like, fucking scummy British guys. JCVD comes in, he's like, what that? Hold on, why you have a black eye? This other guy, he's like, oh, it's the new guy. And he's like, this is he goes, all right, hello, my son. you think you're better than me

I've come to karate class to fight everyone It's so awesome This like Englishman karate student Who may or may not be But probably is definitely half in the bag And he's just he's still a karate master And so JCVD's like Oh you'll give him my friend a black guy

And he's like yeah from all me kicks And he's like oh I don't you show me some of your keeks And then JCPD fucking lays this dude out It's awesome It's delightful. Then Jeffrey Lewis has some meeting with this guy and he's like, well, and this is Alex, by the way, Jean-Claude Van Dam as Alex. No, this is Chad.

John-Lvon-V-D as Chad. Right. Hang-in Chad. Or he is actually what all incells are afraid of is JCB-D. Oh, you're right. He's exactly. Yeah, like a gorgeous dude that could do this, but like all the women adore him. Exactly.

They all want to be him. Interesting, though. But when he meets Alex, Alex is the Chad and he's the Virgin. Exactly. That's true. Oh, dude, I guess that's like the toilet goes down one way in a certain hemisphere. Like, he's the Chad of L.A. Alex is the chat of that hemisphere.

Jeffrey Lewis. He's like, well, you know, let me just lay out a lot of exposition. You know how you were raised in France? And he's like, yeah. I do recall. And he's like, good, because your accent's out of the way now. That's good. We got that done.

Check. Which, you know what? And you know how Alex was raised in a French orphanages in Hong Kong? We, I think, should be okay with that because how many times we complained about Arnold playing, you know, John Jones and they never explain it? I'm fine with it. It's poorly delivered, but I'm fine with it.

Well, you know, you're not actually French. You're born in Hong Kong, and we're going back there for business. And by the way, I'm not your uncle. And, like, Jean-Ovadev is just like, well, that's kind of weird. And everyone's calling this dude Frankie, by the way. I love it. Oh, yeah. Well, that's kind of weird, it's Frankie.

Okay. And it's like, like, if someone tells, if my mother was like, hey, Stephen, we have to go to Hong Kong for reasons. By the way, I'm not your mother. I'm like, I'm not getting on the plane until I figure this shit out. Yeah, one thing at a time here. Exactly. Also, I'm just raised by this dude named Frankie.

Yeah. And I'm like 25 going on 26 in Los Angeles. I look like Jean-Claude Van Dam. Guess what? I'm not working with him. You know what I mean? I'm not working with his business. I'm doing my own.

own shit. It helps have Van Dam and Jeffrey Lewis look identical that you can see you can you know, they can make that work. I don't understand why Jeffrey Lewis was inspired to open this fucking karate aerobic studio. What took them from France? What did it happen? Why were we suddenly in Hollywood? And the bigger question, where's Wanda? Where's Wanda? It's Wanda's workout. Where the fuck is Wanda? It's a great question. She's in a freezer in the basement. On the, hold on Frankie, I can't stay here. I have to solve this killer workout. Someone is killing people

with a large safety bin. He's got a basement like fucking Buffalo Bill. Absolutely. With just a lady soaking in a tub. That's what I mean, I don't know why I've never mashed the action genre and the slasher genre together. It's like, oh, here comes this slasher, but uh-oh. I mean, like, Killer

Workout kind of does that. There are a few karate fights in that movie. Yeah, there's some action horror out there, not a ton, and not in the way I would like it to be executed, which is basically one of these like beefhead JCVD movies. Yes. And then there's just like some horror stuff flowed around. What about us? Straw Dogs.

I think the home invasion genre is ripe for it. That's a good point. Um, so we go to Hong Kong. He's like, he's into it. And they just go to Hong Kong immediately cut. You see this fucking low flying plane by the way? I was like, what movie is this about to turn

into? I thought it was fucking remember me. I mean, it's insane. They're like, all right, here's Downtown Hong Kong. And this plane is like right there. In 1993. Look, Chad, we cannot afford the ones that go all the way up. This is a border.

You know, this is a budget airline. And they just fly low the whole time. We go straight from the airport to a mahjong parlor, which is Alex's mahjong parlor, the other Jean-Claught Van Damme. But Chad doesn't know that. Chad doesn't want to go. He was shopping.

He was like, he's like, Jeffrey Lewis is like, no, no, we're doing with the Majong Parley. He's like, no, I'll go back to the whole town. tail, take a shower, a shave, fantastic. I just love that delivery. But that's what I would do, too. It's a fucking 14 hour flight. Like, wait, hold on.

We're not going anywhere. I need to shower. I'm taking a nap. I got to clean these balls. Exactly. By the way, we're going to fight out in five minutes. He's been wearing silk underwear and high shorts the entire time. It's a fucking mess down there.

Absolutely, dude. He fucking flooded the plane. Ball sweat down the aisle. I cannot imagine. A, wearing silk underwear on a flight. B, wearing 14 hours. and see going anywhere after that without changing and showering. And the combination of pink shorts and a teal polo tucked in, it's quite something.

It's quite arousing. Can I just say, though, the most shocking detail is that he's bothering to wear underwear at all? Yeah, it's a really good point. The chafing. Chaffin. There's going to be chafing no matter what. He's physically fit, dude. The chafing for the fit happens much different.

He's got them thick thighs, though. He's been working on them. That's true. But it's not what you'd call chubbing. Rub, no, no, it is not that. Still gets red and sore down there though. Are you sure? He's better on the baby. Listen,

I think we need to check. We need to get a hunk. Okay. Strip them. Okay. Check for rashes. First of all, I like this plan already. Any moles that look weird that we need to report. A fucking 14 hour flight, my God, and then

silk underwear. I can't even wear. You know what, dude, no way. I've never worn silk underwear. I'll say it out. I don't care. It's fine. I haven't either. But I'm curious. I'm curious as well.

Is it more, is it silk boxers, right? It has to be silk boxers. Yeah. That's silk jockeys. That's crazy. No,

no, no. They were at least my experience was it was a pair of silk boxer shorts. But even that, that's just, you know,

it's not the most comfortable situation. Well, let's just say, I don't wear them anymore. Exactly. Not when you're going to Hong Kong, dude. Because you don't like real freedom.

It's supposed to be soft, right? Yeah. Yeah. But I guess when it gets wet and Grimey. Yeah. It's not. That's, that's your. Yeah, that's when the plan falls apart. Okay. So anyway, he's pissed off that he can't go get a shit shower and shave and he's got to go to this mahjong parlor and he's added a shit there. I love it. Of course. Frankie, I did to take a shit. That's the subtext. Listen, Frankie, this is great. You have kidnapped me to go to Hong Kong. Excellent.

I just need a good place to shit. I'm most shit right now. I'm not going to shit in the place of ill repute either. not this of Mahjong gambling power. And he like explains what Mahjong is to him. And he's like, yeah, it's kind of like dominoes mixed with five card stud. And I was like, is that what Mahjong is? I mean, got me swinging. He could be right, but that was just weird. So, you know, Chad has handed like tea.

People are, someone hands him money. People are mistaking him for his brother, Alex, who is a crime kingpin of Maja fame. Right. I had a question here Were we dealing with no subtitles on what those dudes Yes, okay, yeah I wasn't sure if my Amazon was just fucked up or something And I mean, I don't know, you know, we've all been in relationships

And when, you know, when your girlfriend, wife, or whomever sees you For the first time of the day, she grabs you by the dick immediately. Of course, that's what happens. It starts to give you a hand job like in the middle of a place. Well, no, they go to a back room. Okay. She's like, hey, let's go. back here. And the fucked up thing is

through all of this is that Frankie knows the score the entire time. Well, that's the thing is I don't understand the point of like, oh no, it'll be hilarious if he doesn't know. Like just in L.A. be like, look, you've got a twin brother. I just discovered him. I'm a paid a part of a detective. We have to go find him.

Right. That makes all. Then I'm getting on the plate. It makes a lot more sense. But it's way less hilarious. Well, I didn't let him go and take a shit or just shower. At least I let him have a sex crime. Just a quick It's like Jeffrey Lewis's thing here. It's like, listen, I know they are twins.

Like to make sure I'm definitely in the right place. Yeah. I'm going to bring this guy in. Oh, yeah. He's like, the barometer. Yeah, and everyone's like, oh, that's the dude. And he's like, all right, I'm in the right place. So, yeah, this woman takes him to this back room and yet instantly puts her hand down his pants.

And he's totally fine. Of course. Well, this guy, well, he's kind of there for sex tourism. That's what I'm understanding. Well, this is his every day. Look at that fucking aerobics class. Are you kidding me? And this is Alona Shaw.

Alana Shaw, yeah. Yeah, she was from King of New York and. Oh, right. She isn't King of New York. She's actually, she's, I think she retired. She was a pretty good actress. She's pretty good in this. The two for the small role that she, I mean, it's a big role, but small.

Yeah. The two female leads in this movie do not act anymore. No. So, yeah, this starts going on. And then it's like, what's happening here? And then here comes other JCVD, uh, classic. headbutts situation. A lot of head butts in this. And so Chad

is the fun-loving one. He's got like a moosed up kind of like Johnny Cage kind of hairdo. It's slicked all the way back. Alex is slicked. Yeah, Alex is slicked all the way back. And he's like the one smoking cigars all the time. He's the one your girl told you not to worry about.

Here's the thing that's a bummer though. I always just assumed because this was I knew what this movie was. It was a lot of like pass by the video store box for it a lot, right? I could have sworn, and it's a missed opportunity that it's not, that the Alex twin does not have a ponytail.

Yeah. That sucks. Because even, like, I get it, you're just slicking it back so you don't have to do much on the shoot or whatever. Just get a fucking hair extension ponytail thing and put it in there. That's easy. Grease it up. No one's going to know.

And I mean, like, first of all, so she grabs this dick and she's like, oh, it's the same dick, which, again, I don't know twins. I don't know, twins, but... Twins out there, you got the same genitalia? Yeah, I'm sure it's a little different. Well, yeah, because sometimes twins, even identical... Twins of the same sex, but... Yeah, identical twins, not platonic.

Sometimes they're a little tall. Plotonic? They're not... They don't fuck each other. No, platonic twins are... Is that what it's called? They don't look alike, yeah. Well, here's the biggest difference.

Chad clearly clears the brush. Alex does not. Yes, that's exactly the great point. Let's it grow and lets it smell whatever. He's wearing the silk. He's doing the splits. The splits you don't want to do with a jungle. No, no, no, no.

No, that's true. I never made that up. I thought I didn't. Platonic is like... No, I know what platonic means. So there are different words for... So twins that don't fuck. No, non-identical twins.

No, okay. Wow, it sounds exactly how it is. No, but Steve's right. There is a term... Fraternal, I apologize. Oh, wow. Maybe you should get back to fucking school, asshole. read a fucking book and learn something.

That's how you all treat me whenever I say something weird. Yeah, but you're like 10 for 10. That was just a random mistake. No, that's not a random mistake. This dude's fucked up. Yeah, and he's not talking about impregnating people through the butt. Who has talked about impregnating through the butt? All right, we are now.

You were dancing around at one. Okay. Anyway, after that head butt, J.C.V.D.2 drops the first of a couple of gay slurs in this movie and just righteously tosses that word out there to his brother. At the very least, Alex is supposed to be sort of a bad guy is my understanding. I mean, he's kind of, he's cool in quotation marks.

But he's wrapped up in this crime syndication. He's not a good dude. I'm not making a defense of it, but it's not, I don't think it's a joke. I don't think you're supposed to laugh at it. I think he's supposed to be badass. Now, this is the fucking twin. Now here, finally the fucking action guys.

Yeah. Well, because that's actually true. The interesting, I think Van Dam does okay playing two characters in this movie, just okay. Yeah, yeah. And one, it's kind of interesting because one is your classic like rough and tumble, I eat fucking glass for breakfast, bad guy. And the other is almost like the comic relief almost, you know what I mean? Like, I guess. Yeah, they sort of positioned it that way because I guess from their point of view, the joke is like, look at this dude who likes staying in a nice hotel and wears nice clothes and does.

doesn't have his hair slick back like a scumbag. Like, okay, yeah, I guess that makes him the comic relief of the movie. Sure, that's that. This guy doesn't smell like a tire fire. But so, uh, not Chad, but Alex, guaranteed Alex. So Chad's wearing like the silk boxers,

Alex, uh, Alex, guaranteed banana hammock situation. Oh, really? Yeah. I think he's free ball in it, dude. You think so in those jeans? You can't free ball in denim, dude. Yeah, it's tough. That's, you're just asking, no, he's into it, though.

You could, like, yeah, you could work your scrotum into, like, a raw hide. Yeah. Like, like, it just, it rubs against denim nonstop that it slowly becomes, like, leathery. Yeah, you're like, well, you're like a guitarist. You know what I mean? Your hands get callous. Yes, but now I realize that can't be the case if their dicks were so similar that, that's true. That, um, that, um, O'Haw would, would be mistaken, there you go.

I'm with Steve on this. I think he has a call, a callist ball sack. Moving on. Jeffrey Lewis is like, hey, look, you're twins. It wasn't this great? And they're like, came all the way here for that announcement. And then he said, by the way, you're inheriting a tunnel. Now listen, everybody, sit down.

I'm going to work through the finances of you inheriting this tunnel. Could you? Could you honestly? It just cuts to like him in a Brazil-like room with a bunch of papers flying everywhere. You cut to different Van Damns like nodding along and then asking questions kind of everything. Billboard, not Billboard, not. or dry erase boards, filled with numbers. So the situation is laid out.

Here's what we have to do. We got to take out Zhang and Griffith and blah, blah, blah. And Alex is not having it. And he responds one of the greatest lines in the movie to his brother, take your black silk on the way and go back to Disneyland. This pronunciation of Disneyland is fucking hilarious. Is that Euro Disneyland? Open for a business.

Only people with silk boxers loud. 25% off, dude. Silk boxers. Yeah, I would always, yeah, but. Yeah, it's a fabric. It's a fabric. I just lost it. I had it.

Oh, you just, you got wrapped up in the silk underwear. Maybe you should go back to school. Learn biology, my lord. But so, but this is the thing where this movie totally becomes nonsensical. Like, so he's like, yeah, the tunnel. And like, Alex and Chaddered not in on it. And then we kind of just cut to them in the middle of this job that Alex is doing.

he's like well if you're going to take up all my time come on my boat there's this illegal thing I have to go do so yeah we cut to them like they're just out on the high seas and he's meeting up with this other boat and these dudes come on the boat and he's like all right like you know here's what you came here to pick up and he takes blankets off of these two very expensive looking cars and he's like oh they can't buy these in China blah blah blah and then they open the trunk and it's filled with all these other riches and it's like an illegal turducan right because it's like basically it's a bunch of illegal

shit crammed into another illegal device exactly right yeah that'd be hard to like is it like a prize pack he's giving these people like it's a lot of merchandise man it's like a loot crate like do they know what's inside of this thing they're very excited to see the several

cartons of cigarettes your illegal loot crate it's got cartons of cigarettes donkey porn what else is in there cocaine all Right. This is a good mon. Rambo-style semi-automatics. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, the firepower is legit.

Can I trade your car for mine? I got child pornography. You got the semi-automatic. If we can just trade those, like, no, no, no. There's not trading. Each one is a goodie bag that I've made specifically for you. Yeah, there's definitely a horse bride in the backseat of one car, maybe. We're just all out of illegal waters here.

A scarface t-shirt just for kids. It is illegal It is from a screen cap One is One is Scarface But then the other one is That horrendous t-shirt Of it's the Simpsons

But it's made to look like The Sopranos Oh yeah Those t-shirts Should be burned In the town square And then like one of Bart Fighting Saddam Hussein

Because it is 1991 That's right Yeah don't have a cow man So you got all the cocaine That's what I need I don't need the t-shirts Can I just trade here or what? But we all got the equal amount of cigarette carton.

So nobody will be fighting over these cigarettes in China because you don't want that happening. You got the Jeffrey Dahmer statuette. I've been looking for one of them, man. Fuck. Come back next week. You'll never know what's inside my crazy cars. And then because I guess this does happen all the time.

The Hong Kong police show up on a boat. And it's like, you know, we're going to board and take all this stuff. don't definitely don't go anywhere and these fucking boats take off what is the thing that these guys that are buying all the shit try to take over Alex's boat I think there's a fight here they think that they're set up yeah oh that's right tipped off the police that's right so there's a little bit of a fight these dudes get thrown in the water there's a lot of kicks in the water one dude gets kicked in the throat in the water I think the fight choreography is pretty

good in this movie it's pretty awesome multiple throat kicks in this film which I don't know if you're a stuntman how do you take a throat What's the right way to get kicked in the throat? I think it's one of those like you're faking it. It's one of those like you're getting close to the distance, like you're measuring the dude's leg and whatnot. You just get really tense real quick. Doing neck exercises.

I got a throat kick seat next week. Flex your neck abs. So yeah, they're trying to get away in Alex's boat. And it's like, well, we got to drop some of this weight here. So Chad and Frankie dump the two. cars with all the merchandise into the water and Frankie fucking shoots these cars and blows them up

like effectively stopping the police from I guess just driving around them sailing around them. It's legal to blow up cars in the ocean so that's true. So yeah they effectively get away and there's a legal cancer medicine in that one

shit I should have held on to that and then that just cuts and we never speak of that operation again. No, not at all. Well, we sort of do for a little bit, but nothing ever really comes of it. We cut to, they're all having like a lunch

at some like outdoor cafe and it's Frankie and Alana Shaw or Daniel Wilde of this, whatever. Daniel's the character. And the two twins. And again, this movie is smart where there's only like probably five shots of them in the same shot.

Yeah. And they're all terrible. Yep. And they know it. Yes. So they get around it, but there's this great thing where, like, Chad is afraid to eat

some sort of live frog thing. Well, no, he's, this is what's fucking stupid. There's a frog snuff film. Yes, there is. It's disturbing. Yeah, no, machine comes out and cuts this frog's head off. But then it's like, that's what Chad is looking at,

but then you look at what he's got in the chopsticks. He's just eating dumplings. It looks amazing. It's just Schumey or something. It looks delicious. And, like, he doesn't want to eat it. And, you know, Frank's like, come on, Chad, let's just eat it, blah, blah, blah.

And he goes, what's it supposed to do? make my dick bigger. Well, it'll make a man out of you. Oh, is that what he says? And he looks like a lot of show, like, right? Could it, first of all, you felt it down there. Could it even get any bigger? Am I right? Because in that, in that

failed jerk off scene. Yeah. He was like, oh, it's a big surprise. Oh, it's huge. Oh, yeah. He does do that. Right before he gets that headbut though, he was like, you want to go back for like a second look or something like that? And her response is like, oh, is there something else in there?

That's right. I have a vestigial tail down there. Don't worry about me. This isn't Alex. He's got a tail and he doesn't have that callous ball sack. That's right. Right now in my silk boxer shorts, there is one, a huge cock. And two, the remote control to my VCR. It's where I keep it at all times. This is a loose warm ball sack. I don't know. No, this isn't my man. My man. So, but there's this great, the one thing I don't understand is like, so, Griffin or Griffith is supposed to be this legitimate businessman, like, and Danielle is working for him. Correct. Has been for the last five years we're told. So she is totally a straight-laced up on the go business lady that's dating a fucking drug dealing smuggler that runs an illegal mahjong parlor? Yes. Question mark. Hey man, you know what, Steve? Love is blind. I guess. Right. I mean, I once watched a movie where, you know, a princess fell in love with a roguish.

smuggler as well like you know yeah she just watched star wars all wrong yes she's dating this fucking Hong Kong pirate she's dating Scarface dude she didn't finish that movie didn't work out well for anybody yeah all of her exes look like Harvey Keitel I mean let's say what a track bunch of smugglers let's say I'm living my straight-laced legal life you know which I always do absolutely never once and I meet John Claude Van Dam like I'm sorry but we're taking risks now you know what I mean yeah sure it's worth roll the dice yeah why not and she is I mean this will get into this more later but like she's into chat as well it's very obvious when he makes the stupid like what has it make my penis big yeah she let she's you're one at the table

who's laughing because it's fucking funny is it first of all she wants to angle the JCPD 3 so that's that's entirely that is the angle that's tough that is what you need to achieve i don't understand like going like going with chad while you're also with alex because you got that fucking shit at home exactly that's fun of the time whatever different dick maybe he knows some different techniques though he's doing maybe maybe Alex doesn't do every right right right right right here's what speaking of the sopranos that is that is that is i think you're right i think it's that combined with oh wait i can have that but with like a normal life. Exactly.

That's not shooting people on boats. Yeah. Same wiener, better job. And if you are going to do an Eiffel Tower, you want one person who's a lead to France. That's true. He was reared there.

I think that's the stipulation, Chris. You're right. Horrible statement, but actually brought me to where I wanted to go. Sure. I'm curious, why does Alex have the French accent? They never talk about it because they do have that,

well, you were raised in French, Chad. But Alex was raised in Hong Kong. He would speak a, like, perfect, uh, he would have, have a British accent, if anything. Well, that's, so that's, it's barely touched on. But Alex is the one who's left on the doorstep at that orphanage. Sure. And it's a French nun who's a,

Zoot a law is a baby. Oh, she does. Okay. Yeah. I feel like I don't even remember that part. I remember the nun, but I don't remember her speech. It's a blink and you miss a thing. She doesn't even speak French. It's just a woman speaking English and she's using a French accent.

And that's the movie's justification. So they really poorly cover their bases twice. Did she like fucking hide him in a basement? Hers was the only voice he heard for dead ears. It was fucking dog tooth. Oh no, here comes that monster again. It's just a cat. Oh, wow.

It's just so weird to grow up in France, right? the sister. Yes, at these way in France that he goes out. It's Hong Kong. She gives him a baguette every night.

Yeah, I, but that's how they justify. She gives him white bread and calls it a baguette. Oh yeah, exactly. He has no idea.

So, yeah, that awkward scene happens. And then so there's this weird like Chad is just hanging out outside the Mahjong parlor when Zhang's dudes roll up and kidnap him

thinking that he's Alex and they go on a ride and I guess like Chad's whole thing here is like well now I guess I'm undercover better play it cool because at first he and the initial outset is like no you have the wrong guy blah blah blah but the mafia isn't hip to the fact that there

are twins just yet and this is when a Zhang pulls out the stupid cigar box oh right would you like a cigar I hate this stupid box and even though like I don't know why keep it a why keep it B, how would Chad know what that was? He looks at, he's like, the

initials of my Fazer. It's like, how would you even know? That I don't know. But as to why you keep it, Eric, dude, that's a fucking blood trophy. That's true. That's definitely what that is. And he even says, it's so stupid. He's like, oh, do you like this cigar case? Yes, I got it at an estate sale

approximately 25 years ago. I guess it's like that rumor that Stalin had a piece of Hitler's skull for like an ash tray. Oh, wow. Oh, that's fucking ball. Wouldn't that be great? Stalin was a month. but baller move. I know.

I want an ashtray made out of another podcaster's skull. To be determined. You're putting out a cigar. Yeah, who are your guys, motherfucker? Exactly. No, no, we're not going to decapitate anyone. If anyone gets decapitated its eyes. Yeah, maybe.

I would have loved it if he had just put like a scotch tape over the initials and put his own initials in Sharpie. But he takes up, his thing is like, hey, first of all, that little stunt of the boat kind of put me back a bit. By the way, I've got a shipment coming in. We should be partners anyway, blah, blah, blah. And it's actually a pretty, he's making him a business offer. You know what I mean? He's offering him a job here. And this is where he mentioned Zhang's like, by the way, yes, there were cartons of cigarettes, donkey brides, and cars on that thing, but also deep in that trunk that you I guess didn't know about or notice

was there was a ton of fucking drugs in there I think is the insulin penicill and all sorts of ear medicine yeah it's all there so he's like he brings Chad out and he's like so what do you say Chad

or you know what do you say Alex and Chad responds go fuck yourself because he's like oh this lighter broke this piece of shit he throws it on the floor and he's like go fuck yourself fuck yourself and then this is

is when a couple of Zhang's dude start fucking with Alex. He makes short work of him. He kicks one dude, right? He just kicks him in the stomach, gets him down for him. So much kicking in this movie. And Bola Young comes out

and he's like, I can't believe my fucking underling got kicked in the stomach. Let me break his neck in front of every. Like, I'm not going to work for this guy. You know what I mean? I just got kicked. I'm sorry. First of all, no one told me this guy

a new karate to begin with. Well, I think that's why doesn't he have some line like because he escapes or you know he comes back beaten up or whatever and doesn't he say something to Jeffrey Lewis about like I could have taken him like is he hiding his like supreme karate ability

I could have taken them all except for that big ugly Chinese motherfucker oh right beats the shit out of him right right right well he also this was a quality move speaking to Johnny Cage because Van Dam tries for one of those glorious kicks and Bolo fucking punches him right in the dick

yep oh my lord it's a dick punch It's a great dick punch. Classic dick punch, dude. And they beat him up and throw him in a storage container. That dick's coughing up blood tonight. Call that dick's mama. He ain't coming home. My God, his dick is dead.

That dick is dead. Get a silk coughing for that dick because that's where it needs to be. Oh, no. Here comes the VCR remote with the chair. Oh, call that dick's mama. He ain't coming home tonight. What?

What's that? It's Goneria's music. That's Garnaria's coming down the causeway. Then it's basically like, all right. So they beat you up. Now do you guys want to take these dudes down? And they're the fucking most horrendous double screen yet right here. This is what he looks like a forest ghost.

Yes. Yes, right here. He's like blue. It's just like there is another kind of forest ghost. Neither that fucking Padawan rat tail, dude. And they're both like more or less simultaneously. they're like, I'm in. And so this is Jeffrey Lewis's plan.

They know this next shipment is coming. It's kind of like the end of usual suspects. We're on this boat. Jeffrey Lewis is a sniper rifle. Well, they have their hideout first because they have to go into hiding. They go to this old hotel on an island that's like abandoned. Yeah. It's like pigeon island.

Yeah, it's like the fucking hotel from Life Aquatic. Yeah, it kind of is. It's a weird fucking scene. But it's basically like this is more of, of, you know, Chad, who likes the finer things. It's like, I thought you said, we were going to hotel. There's no place. There's no floor space without bird shit on it.

Kind of a thing. He's being a little dainty, and that's the joke. My favorite thing is, like, Frank starts, like, clearly preferring Alex at this point. It's incredible. This is the son he always wanted. Well, first of all, I think he sees those dollar. He opened those trunks and he saw dollar signs. It's like, man, I could shell that shitty karate business.

It's going under anyway. I think that's also part of it. It's like, I got to get to Hong Kong. I didn't pay my taxes in nine years. Oh, yeah. I could get out from under Wanda. Finally. Yeah, I'll just tell him tunnel money.

We got to go there because of tunnel money. Listen, I'll give you all the tunnel money. Just cut me into your illegal activities because of the tunnel. So, yeah, he's like, this is what the plan is going to be Thursday night. At Causeway Bay is when the drop is going to happen. So then this is where they go to. like mess this whole drug operation of. This is a fun scene and good action stuff.

Not too bad. Alex has a classic neck break right here. That's a pretty good, like, he holds the dude's head and then like pushes the rest of his body forward and like breaks his neck. Interesting neck break. Other Alex's question, why is he just as proficient at karate as, as Chad is? And yeah, I mean, I guess that's the lame, like, raised in Hong Kong. Chad is like white guy karate LA dojo

Like Alex should be like Kung Fu Yes You know like change the styles That'd be cool Or actually the trailer Kind of sets this up The bad trailer

Yeah It's like one is good with his fists And they show Chad doing stuff And the other is good with guns Like maybe Alex is just a gun guy Yeah why not Which is fine But that's you're right though

That's the way the trailer positions it That's the way the movie should have positioned it But then also the other way it also goes sort of incorrectly. Because once Chad gets a gun in his hand, he's fucking super proficient using these machine guns and shit. It's like, well, you weren't doing that at the dojo. Well, who knows?

Who knows it? But in France, man. Oh, right. I keep forgetting about that. They left France because they failed to overthrow the government. Fled to America. That makes sense. This shootout is awesome.

And it's started by Chad because Alex is trying to like sneakily. Like, he sneakily breaks that dude's neck and whatnot. and then fucking Chad just kicks this dude in the face and he falls into a bunch of boxes and all these other guys are like all right well someone's here and this is where this shootout really takes off and then we got you got all sorts of double guns going on

we're doing the spin with the double guns the roll which whenever I see somebody do that in a movie where like somebody it's the cool thing where I'm rolling and I'm shooting guns just shoot him in the back like he's on the floor just shoot him in the back spray the floor dude do it I'm just imagining they're hitting anything

but the target when you're doing that. Exactly. Like I know in action movies that's always really bad but like this movie there were so many times where I was like how is he not just shot in the fucking face? Like there's one part where this dude like later in the movie I think it's like maybe the final face off or something is firing a machine

gun and you see JCVD he turns around he's running away with Danielle. He turns around and just looks he stops dead and looks back down this hallway why this guy's firing the machine gun and it's like well you're dead. Yes. Why did you stop And look, you're dead.

It's a canny bit of filmmaking. The rest is a death dream. Oh, look at that. I think that's correct. That's a fan thing, right? Probably. Oh, no, actually, there weren't twins at all, by the way. It's all one guy and he's crazy.

Oh, right. Alex is like what he wishes he could be because he's too, like, repressed or something. This was all an operation to take down the one guy who could tell the difference between Alex and Chad. That'd be great if JCBD showed up to Fight Club. And it's just like, it's a bunch of fat guys And he's like, yes, I'm just a stockbroker, what do I know about?

And he just beat this shit at a beetloaf. Oh, what is it? Like when someone comes to a poker game and they're like, oh, I guess I won this hang. Exactly. Like, whatever. I mean, like, they blow up this boat. Oh, yeah. Frank is also an explosives expert, which makes me very nervous.

I don't know what Frank is. Frank is he was in Vietnam. He was in Vietnam. Oh, right. He's a security professional. I guess he's sort of like Brian Mills. Oh, right. The next thing is, like, Jean-Claude Van Dam had a whiteboard somewhere.

It's like, okay, we have boats in check. Taxido scene time. Which is like, it's a great line from Daniel. She's like, well, there is a very important meeting tonight at the Climax Club. I'm not sure if you want to go there. And I'm like, hold on, the what club? Oh, dude. And did you notice in the credits, by the way?

You better believe it's climax with a K. Oh, is it? Yeah. Yeah. And actually, once Zang beats the show. shit out of Alex. Has this guy's beat the shit out of Chad. I'm sorry. He says by the way, whatever you come to your senses,

I would like some more of you a precious brandy. So, or cognac. So that's what they're going to do is they're going to pretend they're going to bring cognac to this club. This is when, and again, like, it's your classic, like stupid 80s boardroom scene. It's all, we rip off the untouchables for a little bit.

Oh, because he kills that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like, basically like, this is when Griffith kind of takes center straight. He doesn't really talked yet. And he also has his number two named Kara. Yes. Yes. Who hasn't really been in the movie.

The movie's kind of like scattershot with who's in this gang. There's also a dude with spurs who shows up and now he's got razor spurs. He like, he roundhouse kicks someone and the spur cuts their throat. Pretty great. And I was mistaken. I thought that dude wearing the spurs because when he's introduced, it's like you just see the boots. Yes. I thought that was Bolo.

So I was getting really confused. What a nice touch for Bolo. Why haven't we had a Western where someone's throat got cut with Spurs? How cool would that be? Well, because people would scream out. Hey, that's a double impact, motherfucker. Would they? No, they would.

No, they definitely would not be. So, yeah, he'd come one of them, I believe this is Alex, I think, walks in first with the case of cognac. And he's like, my favorite of these henchmen is the dude who looks like washed up Fabio. Yes. This guy with just the lion's mane and some indistinguishable European accent. He's a very wet man. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, his hair is greased at all times. It's like down to his shoulders. Hey, Alex, your bruises cleared up pretty well. That's what he says. He does, yeah. So he tells this dude, like, listen, you got to go back, Mr. Griffith and Mr. Zhang are back there. And they want to speak to you immediately. And he's like, well, all right.

but, you know, I got another case of cognac here, you know, out in the car that I got to go get. Meanwhile, another case has already been delivered, I think is the situation. And Jeffrey Lewis has like the bomb detonation thing. And he's like, also this other lady, this clearly a prostitute is trying to pick him up. And he's like, no, no, she's like, oh, you look like Sean Conner. He's like, oh, yeah. I do have a gold finger. He said what when she said that?

And I was like, is that a good what? Or is he offended? No way. I don't know. Sean Connery. In 1991? Yeah. Untouchables.

Yeah. I mean, he's like playing Indiana Jones's dad. Like that year or the next year? When was that? That's 89, I believe. Oh, okay. So, I mean, he might take it as being old. Yeah, I think that that's what I assumed that it was to.

But so finally she's like, oh, do you want to dance? And Jeffrey Lewis is like, as a matter of fact, yes, now I would like to dance. Let's get out of here. And there's a weird, like, it never. pays off really, but it's like, okay, JCVD jumps to the ground right here. And then it's like, delay, delay, delay. And then the fucking bomb goes off.

I don't know what that was, like this poor communication from the team, but like they never touch on it. It's supposed to, I think it's supposed to be a gag kind of because the guy's laughing a little bit, but it's not very, like you said, it's not like a snappy, good gag. It doesn't make sense as to what you're supposed to think of this delay in the explosion situation, but this fucking thing goes off, kills a bunch of people immediately in the board room. This is when Zhang and Griffith and Kara and Spurs guy all find both of the Jean-Claude Van Dams and it's the trailer of, there's two of them. And it's Griffith that says it? That's

Zhang actually. Oh, okay. And it's whatever, but it's just kind of a great. I mean, like, why would you care just, just shoot the boat in the head? Also, like, who is that line for? Great question. You know what I mean? Like, We've been sitting with these two motherfuckers for the whole movie. We know. And also, you're not afraid of the one guy. Why would you be afraid of two? It doesn't make any sense.

So they kind of more action. There's a great part here. Alex, because he's so badass. Drink some Johnny Walker Red. And then breaks the glass with his hand. Which is ridiculous. I couldn't believe it.

You're just like trying to injure yourself in a fight? Exactly. I know that you're trying to like make it even because you're such a good fighter, but it makes no sense. I don't know. It was weird and also very cool. I mean, it was very cool. But then the very even cooler thing that happens right after that, though,

is he smashes that glass in his hand. Then he picks up two scotch bottles and bangs him in this dude's head at the same time, like a three stooges bit. That looked great. You'd probably be dead after that, right? Yeah, that dude's definitely dead. Also, you can't pick it up because your hand is bleeding profusely because you, for some reason, decided to crush a glass.

Yeah, there's a bunch of fucking glass in your hand. That's what happens to people. And if you're going to smash, they're going to go deeper. I mean, I got, come on, out. Yeah. So the next movement of this movie is basically Alex has been like, hey, to Danielle, like, look, I know you're working for Griffith. He's got to have some sort of deed to this tunnel. Something, something, go find it in the files.

Yep. So there's two scenes. One, she goes, she's looking through the files. Kara is the head security officer. It's like, can I help you with something? And she's like, no. and she kind of runs away. Right.

The second scene is after the explosion and everyone's kind of on to everybody else, I guess. Sure. It's again, she's like,

hey, look, she goes into this, I think this is one room that has files in it for this massive corporation. I think it's called a file room. Yeah,

this is the illegal file room. Illegal file room is down the hallway. And it's much larger. Yes. Yes. To Steve's point, it's a very small room

for supposedly such massive company. all your documents are in this one little closet, okay. And everyone is very concerned that people are going in there. I don't know. She's like, hey, I'm filing. I don't know.

Yeah, if it's the file room, like, you know, what does it matter? She's high enough in the corporation to be in the illegal file room. She's assistant to the head of the company. Yeah, I mean, she probably can go wherever. I'm looking for, I'm looking through old illegal stuff to do more illegal stuff.

This guy is calling about an invoice for some drug deal we did 10 years ago. I just got to make sure that it got paid. you know what everything would be better if if drug dealers and the like could have could have the freedom to file in such a way and not be worried about it and concerned about it and have that invoice and be like okay that's what went down you know but yeah the cops want to bust them it's just a whole thing uh so this time when daniel tries to exit the file room carra kind of blocks the doorway there's a very weird frisking scene here

Jean-Gleven says, well, I want like a women in prison kind of scene. Yeah, I know it doesn't fit. I don't care. But you know what? It's a file room that's very small. It looks almost like a jail cell anyway. She's getting sexually terrorized at work. And I guess it's a good thing it wasn't a man doing it.

I mean, it's nice that you have a female heavy. Yeah. I'll say that much. I will say that much. And it's like, I actually was kind of, her death kind of sucks in this movie, which kind of bums me out. It sucks. And you also realize by. the way,

speaking of our Patreon episode for this month, this We Love Movies Golden Eye episode, she's fucking Xenia on a top and before Zena Onetop

was on on a top of anything. It's true. She's proto Zeno on a top. Totally. But, you know, she like does this thing and like,

yeah, it's, she doesn't have enough of a character to be a character. No, because you, all the,

she's cool in this movie. Like, I'll watch her beat the shit out of somebody, rip somebody's head off. It's fine because that's like, you're the number two

heavy like whatever but then this scene where it's like she fucking like puts her hands all over this woman and like Danielle the actress playing Danielle like has this visible like gasp of uncomfortableness and that where we're later led to believe is because this woman is actually planting a wire

on her oh is that what happened really I didn't know that I thought it was just like it was like okay I'm going to search you and then it got into weird territory then at the end she goes now you can frisk me right and she runs this was a sexual experience for somebody. Yes. But later, as in like the next scene or so, like she's on the telephone

and they're hearing her. And then you think like, okay, the phone is bugged and she puts the phone down and is speaking and they can still hear her in the boardroom. Where did that microphone? That's what I'm saying is weird. That was cut out because it was too evasive. That's too much. It just doesn't make any sense. Straight up a sexual assault scene. Oh, for sure. And also like what is it doing anywhere near this movie. Right. In credit, Jean-Claude. And Dan, we discussed it at the top of the show. This is wetting

your beak for the imaginary sex scene, which is quite explicit. Yes. Yeah, that's weird. That's what happens. She calls up it's great. There's this amazing she's like, this really incredibly weird scene that out of nowhere

in this movie. She calls, we cut to Jeffrey Lewis and Alex cutting trees in the jungle, having a good old time. Yeah. Different movie entirely. Gathering firewood. Yes.

To cook ramen noodles. Well, that's a thing. Chad is in the kitchen making salt pasta and fucking picks up the phone and is like, yeah, Alex isn't here.

He's in the jungle with Frank. Whoops a doo. Like, what the fuck? Who has ever said that? They're hunting a human being for sport. It's a different movie.

How big is this island that Chad couldn't find Alex and Frankie? In two minutes. Right. He just decides to, all right, I'm going to go save her from this situation. Take the boat. The only way they can get off of the island. Yep. And then I'll come back. Yeah, well, it's like going camping with somebody and somebody takes the car.

It's like, that's not cool. Like, you need to talk to everybody before you take the car. That's exactly what this is. So he, he hauls ass to the Mahjong Palace and goes in the back room. He's like, oh, Zutelo, what is going on here, Danielle. And then Kara and the rest of the goon squad. shows up. Kara, by the way, was wearing leather pants. Oh, no, actually,

no, that's, that's tomorrow. She wears, later in the movie, she goes on a raid in hot pants, which is really something. Yeah.

Well, again, writing credit. John Claude Van Damme. But, yes, they come in. This is when the guy gets his throat cut with the fucking spur.

It's so awesome. But Alex comes back and, you know, what you call it? Chad has gone. He's like, oh, my God.

He went to go see Danielle. He went to see Daniel, McGonance. And he calls up the, mahjong parlor and the guy won't put him on because of all this other stuff is going on. So he thinks some weird

shit's going on. Chad and Danielle go on the run and as they're going on the run, this is when Alex starts drinking and starts fighting this house. It's my favorite part of the movie. He's got nothing else to do. He's stranded on this desert

island with fucking Jeffrey Lewis so he's going to drink an entire bottle of Johnny Walker Red, fight the walls. and imagine his brother essentially picturing himself having elicit sex with his girlfriend.

Like in the same place they shot the Paula Abdul and the cat video. I think it was in the same sound. We come together. Comes out for such a tract. I don't know how else to say. It's a red shoe diaries.

It's incredible. We're suddenly in Titt City. It's, yeah. The breasts are crazy. It's fucking nuts. His fucking butt cheeks are all over this, though. Don't leave his bunchings out of it.

I do like a cheeky situation. I mean, there's like neon lights everywhere. It's fucking ridiculous. There's no place in this movie. It's crazy. And he's like, what are you looking at?

House. How does punch in this stuff? How dare you staircase railing? And it's like, they're fucking in like a laundry room or something in this imagination. There's fucking sheets hanging, fluttering in the breeze. I thought I saw Michael Myers in the background somewhere.

but it is really weird and raunchy and it's just in this nether space like this ninja three the domination area. What's weird though is that you mentioned the laundry shit and it just reminded me of Chad and Danielle are on this boat coming back to the island.

There's a big action scene that come up they do the thing. Yeah. So one of the things was they had to fucking jump into the water. So they're both wet. And so she is, she's got like a blanket over her chest or whatever

and she's drying the shirt like on a laundry line on the boat. But then Alex's fantasy, this booze-filled fantasy, also has the laundry in it. So I think this is one of those weird twins with the fucking brainwaves thing. Also, Danielle is clearly thinking about fucking Chad.

Of course. Oh, they're exchanging some look. She's picturing the life she could have in L.A. being the, like, maybe she's like the manager at Ronda's workout kind of a thing. Sure, better. Well, she's not going back to work. That's for sure.

Oh, she's definitely fired. Or quitting? No, they fired her first. That's how those things go. Chad should have just taken that boat to America, dude. Fucking goodbye. They left. I can't believe I'm going to fight another house now.

Did you know a walk-in closet? Did you know about them? You talk to me. Demo day. Going to roundhouse these kids. Kitchenette, you son of a bitch. It's insane. And so they get back to the island and he's like, well, well, well, look who's just come from a fresh fuck at the laundromat or whatever.

And this is where it gets even weirder. So, I mean, like, you know, he's like, he's obviously really drunk. Like, Jeffrey Lewis is like, whatever, I'm not involved in this. Yeah. They start arguing, um, Mr. Silk Underware. That is a line that me and my brother have been saying for 25 years. Mr. Chilcanderware? Mr. Silcanderware.

That's all you need to say. Is that the first draft of a little rich boy? Yeah, oh, look at you, Mr. Silcanderware. What this scene does not need for this character, because we understand, like, Alex is the rough and tumble when we just saw him beat up a house while having a sexual fantasy about his brother and his girlfriend. But then, like, in the heat of the moment,

like, Chad is like, you'll chill out, chill out. And he's like, oh, Chill out. This is where he calls him Mr. Silcandor because of the chill out. Oh, you talk like you're from L.A. or whatever. And then he fucking, of course, written by Jean-Claude Van Damme, I guess, has to punch this woman in the face.

For no, like, what the fuck are you doing? It never gets addressed. It's, it happens. I mean, she's obviously upset, but it's not like, also bad day for her, by the way, in case you're keeping score. But like, it's never like, at the end of the movie, it's like, I'm so sorry I was drunk. Or maybe she even says, fuck that guy. I want to go with the other one. I thought

the end of the movie was she was going to be going with Chad. Yeah, which is, you know, that guy's not abusive and weird, you know? You can come manage my aerobics studios slash karate dojo. You can come on, you can read Lance. I'm going to start going on audition soon.

I think right as like this argument hits like full tilt boogie right here, I believe did anybody catch this? Alex calls Chad a frat boy pussy. Oh, really? I think that was floating around here also. This is when they finally fight each other, which is kind of like,

I mean, like it's the wrong way to get this scene, but that's kind of why I bought a ticket. You know what I mean? Like Jean-Claude Van Damme's going to fight himself. Exactly. Yeah. They're fighting each other.

It's fine. It's something. That house takes more of a beating. Yeah. I guess they got some decent stunt people. Like the back of the heads look fine. Sure. Also, it's very darkly lit, you know,

so you're getting away with Ludd here. But then this is a weird. you know, Jeffrey Lewis is like, you're fucking drunk, blah, blah, blah, Alex, like, let's go cool off. And he goes, yeah, well, tomorrow I'll be sober, but he'll still be a fucking slur. And you're just like, eh, two, you needed two. Come on. That's over the Bill and Ted quotient. That's right.

Now these guys are no longer lovable losers. Bill and Ted had one, one each movie. Oh, really, one each movie. Yeah. I thought it was, for some reason, I thought it was more in bogus journey. maybe I'm... No, it's still just the one because they rehashed the same joke

quote unquote joke. That was a big box on JCVD's dry race board. Two of them. Do you guys think the third movie they're going to say it? I don't think so. I don't believe so. But the nostalgia for saying it's all, guys. Come on. I don't think that's going to happen.

So, yeah, they have a big fight or whatever. Chad's like, all right, fuck this. I'm out. And Jeffrey Lewis is like, what are you going to do? You can't take the boat back to Los Angeles or whatever he's like, oh yeah, I'm going to swim then. You're like, all right.

Oh, you're dead. Fuck him. I'll swim. I'll swim. But what about the tunnel money? The tunnel money. I don't understand. You know what, Frank? Actually, thank you for bringing that up. How are we going to get money from this tunnel? What are the financial situations of us getting money

from the tunnel? Well, listen to this. We're going to set up our own toll booth before the real toll booth. It'll be Alex and Shats Toll Booth Or you'll do a tour Hey, we're the real tunnel guys I got a bunch of tunnel t-shirts made up

Tunnel reality tour It'll just be me in the middle of the road Of the cardboard sign that says toll on it You see these two twins Their parents died But those parents help make the tunnel $20, please $20 you can see the twins

They're both in really good shape He just got a little curtain covering them up. Oh, absolutely. It's like a PT Barnum freak show. Look at this. Twins. Dun dun. Look, they're going to fight each other in karate.

Fight each other, slip me another 20. Maybe they'll fuck each other. Might do an Eiffel Tower if we get lucky. So they volunteer from the audience. They both pass out the next day. This is the raid on the island. There's all these like soldiers all of a sudden. Well, it's, yeah, it's a weird, like, Kara has taken chopper and followed the boat back and knows where the hotel is.

Tunnel money will get you an army. Oh, for sure. Yeah, that's true. And she's got hot pants on, which I just, I really think it's a totally insane outfit to wear. Yeah, you're going on a mission. Yeah, it's hot out. It's hot out. But then all the bugs are getting your legs, man.

That island, there's bugs on that island. You kidding? Sure. It's true. But this pretty much sets up the end of the movie here. Danielle and Jeffrey Lewis they are captured. Hold on. She got kidnapped? Yeah. Wow. The funny thing was I was like doing some

predicto movie and I was like well they're going to fucking shoot him in the head and kidnap her. Shockingly both of them are kidnapped. Couldn't believe that. They kidnapped both of and then like Alex and Chad kind of infiltrate this one guy to find out where they are. Oh right?

Do we see this dude getting tortured at all? No, they say that they're going to. Like Alex is like, I'm going to make him talk. Big motherfucking knife. I need to see like his nipple cut off. Yeah. Because if we had that, like you could keep the same runtime and get that fucking ridiculous sex scene out of this movie.

That'd be cool. It's just unnecessary. Or it's a good cop, bad cop, but they both look the same. That's a scene. Oh, yeah. I'm losing track of which one of you is which. It's like not working because they're like, you're just an asshole. Like you just, can you be nice and then you hurt me?

No, that's a different guy. I'm your only friend in this situation. Did you read the name tag? So they infiltrate this. It's a boat. It's the Golden Fury or some horse shit. Oh, sure. That's in this boardroom scene.

It's like, this is a fine, it's a great, this is the vague drug trade. Griffith's like, it's our final, it's our final coup de Gracie. We'll bring, bringing drugs from Hong Kong to America. They're so worried about South America. They'll never think about Hong Kong. Oh, right. Great. Oh, that's good.

So, yeah, they infiltrate. trade. It'll only take six weeks for drugs to get from one port to the next. Essentially the same plot as inherent vice. With that drug boats going back and forth. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, maybe that was inspired by this. Oh, yeah. I can imagine Pete D. Anderson like this movie. Thomas Pinch is watching double impact. Well, I think all the all the all tours were inspired, right? Chris, the, uh, the bird shit island was inspired Wes Anderson for a life aquatic. And all the sex scenes, that's a, that's a Lars Vanchure right there.

Exactly. A hundred percent. Daniel keeps taking naps in this very melancholy a ass. Oh, yeah. She fucks that dude in a golf course. That's weird. Yeah, so they sneak out of the boat and whatever. There's a great, like, one of them is disguised as, you know, one of the military dudes or whatever.

And so I believe it's Chad gets kidnapped. Yeah. Or just like, you know, held at gunpoint or whatever. And he's like, uh, your brother's missing. the party or whatever it is and he's like yeah my brother hates potty's and then like this dude gets his neck broken immediately. It's kind of great you know

it's the same boat right? It has to be the same boat from earlier in the movie now it's just daytime they're filming it from a different angle yeah I think so yeah for sure because they had the one boat and now Jeffrey Lewis and again like Jeffrey Lewis and Danielle are getting tortured under below

the decks or whatever I think it's just Jeffrey Lewis really he's getting this fucking steam to the chest that's got a sting. And they're making their way through the thing. And there's an inner comedy. He's like, well, welcome to your doom, Chad and Alex. Hello, Chad and Alex.

Welcome to the end of the movie. It's like, and he's like, oh, you know what? If you don't tell me where you are in two seconds, I'm going to shoot Frank in the head. And he, he, you hear the gunshot. And he's like, well, that's just for their benefit. But next time, Frank, I'm going to do it. Like, no, just kill him. Just kill him.

There's no benefit to kill him alive. You fucking hate him. First of all, you clearly hate this dude. Just kill him. It would serve a better purpose in the film if he did get shot in the head because then Chad could learn to grow as a human being. Well, there's also no,

he has no dialogue or movement after he gets fake shot. He might as well be dead. Yeah. Also, he ruined your first attempt to kill these little fuckers. Yeah, that's true. You're going to murder these babies and then you didn't get to

because of this piece of shit. I think you're waiting for the sequel, which would be quadruple impact, where there's another... They were actually quadruplets for... Quadruplets? Man, you guys need to go to act in high school. I'm actually with Eric on this one.

Do you have it, Chris? No, I did not. I know what it is, but I'm not going to try. I know what it is, but I'm not going to say it because I think you guys would benefit from learning. Well, that's fine. Yeah, but that's five minus one. But did you hear about the real shit?

It's quadruples. The real shit about the sequel? Oh, yes. That it's in development now? Shut the fuck up. Are you kidding me? They're making a sequel now to this movie? In like 2010 it started talking like, we're working on this script.

Yeah, that sounds about right. Lead up to the expendable movies he was in in like 2012. They were talking about it again. And they're still like saying it's going to happen. Did you read what the plot was? I did and I forgot. It's basically Alex or Chad goes back to L.A. and becomes a movie producer.

Uh-huh. And then he starts getting messed with, which the movie, which the plot that J.C. V.D. says by the South Central Mob, which you know what that means. Uh-huh. And then Alex has to come in and do some stuff. That's stupid. Yeah.

Fun. Is it called four impact? I would like... Oh my God. We would do... There's four of them. So whatever. They're, you know, they're separated here. They're fighting in different parts of the boat, whatever. One of them I got to see... I don't know which Alex, if you're

talk about what I think I'm going to talk about. The fight with the Eugene Levy stunt double in the darkness? That's Spurs guy. That Spurs guy. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. And it's like this weird, surreal.

It reminds me of the sex scene earlier. It's like, what is this movie doing? Like, what fucking Nether Realm is he in that he's fighting this dude? I think he's fighting him in Outworld, dude. It's like the gateway to Outworld. Because, yeah, this guy keeps like dipping back in and out of the shadows. It is Eugene Levy stunt double with a fucking awesome mullet, too. And he eventually, like, he shatters,

JCVD shatters a window and some light comes in and he finds this guy and just, again, breaks his neck. We are breaking so many necks of this movie. Then we finally have the final fight between Alex and Bola Yang, and this is the fucking... He's playing donkey car. He's playing exactly dog. Because Bolo is picking up...

He's fucking jacked his shit, man. He takes his shirt off. He's lifting up these barrels of toxic waste and hawking him at this guy. Yeah, I would love it. and John Clive Fadam is just walking. Bulli Young's like, oh no, he got the hammer. I got to run backwards for a little bit.

Yeah, like, and that was Mario, right? In that game? Like, people forget, Mario's been on his own adventures forever, but remember, that dude, like, started trying to kill a donkey. A gorilla. A gorilla named donkey. Yes.

I mean, basically. That out. Dude, imagine, imagine right now you, like, say you're, like, Say you're a plumber. Sure. And you have a hammer. And you're going to go like, I need to go and fucking bash that ape's brains in. It'd be tough in real life, let alone barrels hanging out.

Well, that's the thing. Right? He's not just doing it for no reason. This apes huckin barrels. And he stole his lady by the right. The kidnapping. Well, Donkey Kong is angry and resentful because he's the bastard son of King Kong. And clearly they're just like, oh, you're just a donkey.

You're not a real gorilla. Just like his father. He wants to impregnate a woman and make a woman. Humane Z. Yeah. And he's tried to do something new. He's trying to throw barrels

rather than just like bring her to the top of a building. I was like, because Duncan Cugs also had his own adventures. I think that this,

yeah. Duncan got in some bad cocaine one time and then he stole this. You know what I mean? Like it was a bad bad night. Yeah.

Fucking going on a tear. Like the end of the bender. Exactly. And then all of a sudden you got a little Italian guy trying to hit you in the head with a hammer. Look the fuck did I do last night.

Jesus. And, you know, whatever. Yeah, it's a pretty good fight. Good fight. Hilariously Bolo rips off J-CVD shirt is like, Oh, no, my beautiful abs are excused. And this is a problem. I think that there's not enough good debts for everybody.

The two main villains have great debts, but like... Yes, A-plus. Bullying just kind of gets thrown into the electricity, and he goes, ah. Yeah. I was actually expecting him to live through that. Yeah. Or get more powerful.

Yeah, that would be like the electric gremlin. No, Blanca. Yeah, he's Blanca. Now he's in the phone lines and suddenly he's like at the dojo waiting for them when they get back. Because he's like... With a killer prank call. Yeah, he's like in the intercom screaming. What a great stinger scene.

The credits rolled. They come back to the dojo's like, oh, Frankie, 12 new messages. And he hits the button and he hit an electric boole young comes. out. Absolutely. I would love that. But no, this dude just drops dead, which is fine. And then the other JCVD at this point has a fight with Kara. Yeah. Very briefly, she has a good line. It's you and I, dickhead. Yeah, she's like choking him with her thighs. There's that going on very zanyana top. He stabs her in the heart, I believe, with her own knife. Yes, very slowly and anticlimactically. She needs to get impaled on something. Oh, absolutely. Or like

A grenade. Why is that like phallic for you? No. Fucking doing it for you? No, it's not doing anything. Just saying she needs like a crazy over the top dance. Exactly. Where's that fucking the steam hose?

Yes. Yeah, exactly. Like someone needs to get that steam hose to the fucking face. That's what it should have been. That should have been zang, dude. It melts his face off like an arc of the covenant. Yes, I was about to say like a Raiders the Lost Ark type of effect shot. She does have a great move on JCVD here though.

Another fucking getting your dick pole. Yes. She just grabs onto that thing. That's pretty great. Yikes. And whatever. I mean, like, that's, then, then it's great because Griffith and Zhang are like, oh, no, all of our bodyguards are dead. Let's run away. You hear the Scooby-Doo do do-d-do-do-do-to-d-d-d-beel. And they split up and it's kind of hilarious. And Alex and Chad split up too. And both of them are just yelling the name of the guy thereafter. It's like, Griffith, Shang. It's so great. Shag! Griffin! That's terrifying. Two little guys running after each of you.

Like, oh my God. Oh, my God, I just figured it out. This movie is Mario Brothers because they look exactly the same. Oh, right. Only separated by color a little bit. Yeah, you're totally right. It's like if the...

Pew Blank, not my color, pew blank. That's the big difference. Like if the Mario Brothers were raised in France instead. Yeah, so great deaths here. Griffith chases Chad and Danielle out to the end

of the boat and he's driving this rig that's got a shipping container on it and he's just going closer

and closer and Chad pushes Danielle like into the water like swim fucker I'll take care of this

and this is I mean it's fucking great because he lifts the thing up and he doesn't see them there he looks at

he's like firing the gun like into the water like trying to still get him, I guess. Whoops, JCVD sneaks around. Now he's driving this rig and he fucking drops the shipping container right on this dude. Oh, is it glorious?

It's pretty good. He screams. And then Zhang and Alex are fighting on top of like this big crane thing with all these gears. His hand gets mangled. I was shocked that it was still attached to his arm. Yes. Because it looked like the teeth on this thing. I thought Zhang was going to be completely his whole body.

mangled into fears, which would have been great, but instead it just, he falls off the cream. But, like, his hand gets mangled and then he keeps continue talking to Alex. He's like, we can cut a deal, this, that. I'd be like, dude, you got to give me a minute here. My hand is pulp. I don't have a hand anymore. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm sorry. Like, I know it looks like I'm still alive. I'm fucking dead. Please feel free to push me off this, break my neck, whatever you would like do to me. I'm definitely dead. But yeah, it's a good. It's a good. long drop thing he finds immediately he lands

I have to say half on a bunch of crates and half not which is fucking awesome it's great you see like the crate explode from the impact of his body totally so yeah the day is saved Frank is somehow still alive that was stupid he

sort of like hobbles around the corner has no lines at all exactly he needs to have like oh well I was glad I got you boys together oh by the way I get like a finder's feel on that Tunnel, whatever that is. What's 10% of fake bullshit? Once we straighten out all this tunnel madness.

He really should have died. There should be some body count on the other side of the equation. Exactly. Yep. And on the other side, Danielle and her abuser are getting back romantically. Well, yeah, that's a weird, like, the three of them come together and, like, Chad is helping Danielle up or whatever. And then, and what is the other one? Alex. Alex, geez, I've been saying it the whole time.

How do I forget at the end? comes up. And like, Chad kind of like hands her up. Like, here's the merchandise. Don't worry. I'm backing away now. Yeah. And he gives them like an okay sign. That's it. And that's we freeze frame on that. He's got the babe squad back in LA. Yeah. He's not too worried by it. Even if he got with her, maybe he'd like me like, all right, that's enough. Yeah. I got my babe. That's enough. Yeah, but we freeze frame on that. We close out. It's the end of the movie. Oh, we cut two. Yes. This is music.

pretty great can't afford C&C get these back jump back you're going to get back for more

you thought I will be back for more but I feel the fire to burn in my soul I like he added punches you know you're gonna get what's coming to you from me I'm in your seat

I'm in your seat I'm in your wrong to this time I'm twice as strong This is terrible and awesome. That's great. And now that's great. And now that functioned as a review.

And now that functioned as a review. So it's totally within fair use. Oh, sure. That's definitely going to stop the lawsuits. I think it's a good song. and you should all buy it. I don't even know if you can. If you notice, the song is exactly as long as the credits is.

So they were just like, do a bad rap over this credit sequence. That's all you needed. For a moment there, I thought it was Jean-Claude Van Damme doing the rap. I was like, wait a minute. He wishes, man. Joe Pesci can do it. John Clot. Oh, my God.

Give me the rent. Give me the rent. I think Joe Pesci might actually be my favorite rapper. It's not Rodney. No, I think Joe's got a beat. I'm sorry. Rap and Rodney is exquisitely terrible. Are they going to de-age Joe Pesci to rap in the Irishman?

I hope so. That is the end of this movie. Would anybody recommend it? I would. I think it's, you know, it's a stupid, if you like dumb as dirt 90s action movies, it's exactly what it is. Trigger warnings, like legit trigger warnings for all the horrible shit that happens. Other than that, if you're okay just watching that, we're in a great spend. It's a light recommend.

This would have been a full-on recommend 20 minutes cut off. Yeah, it's a little long. We're talking an hour and 50 minutes here, 5-0. Some of the bigger sequences just go on forever, like the first raid when they blow up the factory and even the final rate. It just goes on a little longer than it needs to. But other than that, it's fun time. I do agree with Chris that the runtime, you start to feel it.

I think there's a little too much of just like sitting in the soft leather chair that is Hong Kong. I don't like let's get to it already. Let's get to it. But I would recommend it because it is fun, dumb action. It would be a good hangover movie because you could fall asleep to parts. Oh, for sure. Over long. But it's also probably a good like super fucked up movie. Like you're getting super fucked up tonight. I agree with a super fucked up movie. Sure. Yeah. Definitely be super fucked up. up to this movie. AI, it's a light recommend for me. I had fun with it. You know, the dated material aside there. Yeah, I guess just as far as, like, weighing it against the other JCVD I've seen,

like, it's probably not at the top, but, like, it's watchable, you know, a lot of fun. Jeffrey Lewis, really great, you know. So, like, there's things to like about it, but yeah, man, I was feeling that 110 minutes. Like, it was a bit much, like, these kinds of movies. movies need to be 90 minutes. Like that's the genius of Commando is that it's fucking 89 minutes long. God bless it. Yeah, it's not, it should be Commando, but it's not.

Yeah, exactly. So that is double impact directed by Sheldon Lettich. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. This month, we are releasing the first ever We Love Movies, Patreon bonus. Golden Eye, loving it. Oh, yeah, man. we're also on a West Coast tour coming up pretty soon. That's going to be exciting.

November 6th, 7th, and 10th. We're going to be in San Francisco, Portland, and Los Angeles talking about the Rock, the kindergarten cop, and Karate Kid, respectively. Check out our WHM podcast, Tour Tab. So next week, as always here on We Hate Movies, by the way, every Tuesday there's a new episode, man. So don't even sweat it. Steve Sadek, what are we talking about next week? Our unofficial 90s month rolls on

with a Dustin Hoffman. in the horror movie? Oh, could it be? Star Wars? It's sphere. Spear, man. Oh, I've seen this movie quite a bit.

I think that's late 90s. Yeah, we're traveling around the globe a little bit. Or the decade. Or around the sphere. Oh, dude. You know the planet is kind of like a sphere.

So until next week when we go back to Crichton Town. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadeh. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.