We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 443 - Sphere

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang continues their unofficial/accidental '90s month as they tackle the ludicrous Crichton adaptation, Sphere! Why didn't they include the naval team that go underwater with them like in the book? Did Queen Latifah know they were going to use all those line reads? And when exactly did Liev Schreiber's voice lower? PLUS: What if the characters from Back to the Future found that titular sphere instead? Sphere stars Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone, Samuel L. Jackson, Peter Coyote, Liev Schreiber, Queen Latifah, and, for two seconds, Huey Lewis; directed by Barry Levinson. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On this week's episode, Drink Every Time Dustin Hoffman says Jellyfish. It's Fear. I'm Andrew Jupin. That got me. Steven Say-Dak. Chris Cabin. Eric Spearska. And we hate movies. That was a good one. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to the program, because you're a big Crichton head. This is a comedy show where we use a movie as a jumping off point to make a bunch of silly jokes. Honey, my Crichton Google Alert's going off. Said that one man in Norway? Someone has that. No, definitely, definitely, definitely. He hasn't gone off since Westworld came on air.

This is Sphere from 1998, directed by Barry Levinson. My first note I took while watching this movie for the first time in probably like 20 years was, oh, fuck, this is directed by Barry Levinson. I just do not like this dude's movies. Mine was simpler. Barry Levinson sucks. No, he made, I think, one good movie, Wag the Dog is good. I never watched Diner. Diner's okay.

It's fine. It's one of those movies. It's a good movie, but it's like, boy, if you had the nostalgia for it, it's even better. Exactly. Well, I feel like Barry Levinson would probably be a better hang than a director. Like, I just feel like he's probably a good guy. Yeah, that sounds about right. I mean, if you have a current event that you want to make a movie and have star Al Pacino for some reason,

Barry Levinson is your fucking guy, dude. Or De Niro, actually. Wasn't De Niro in the Ponzi scheme movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wizard of Lies. The Wizard of Lies. Oh, dude. Which was a Barry Levinson.

Yeah, it was. Any HBO nonsense. Yeah, but like he did the Al Pacino as Dr. Gavorkian. You don't know Jack. I think he also did the Phil Spector movie. Was that him? No, that's David.

You just cost me. You're right. Six thousand lives. That's Pacino. Oh, right. Steve, are you watching Star Trek? No. Speaking of which, we have a Star Trek podcast on Patreon.com slash we have been.

That's right. Speaking of shameless self-promotion, I just woke up. Because we're talking about latter period Barry Levinson. We are talking about, we're going to be talking about a lot of stuff on the West Coast in November. On November the 6th, we are coming to San Francisco, which is a really fucking cool thing. It's good to be a treat. It's going to be a tree. Busted my San Fran Cherry this November.

Oh, really? Don't say that. Yeah. I've never been there before. You're doing what in San Francisco? That's right, Dad. Deal with it. I love San Francisco, okay?

He told me he loves me too. We are going to San Francisco. We are going at Cobb's Comedy Club. We're going to be talking about the movie The Rock in a we love movie setting. Everyone relax. It's going to be a lot of fun, a lot of Sean Connery. You fuck the Pram Queen. That's right.

Yeah. It's going to be awesome, man. And then the very next night we're going to be in Portland, Oregon, at the Aladdin Theater. We are talking about kindergarten cop. Yeah, totally. Yes, I did forget for a second. What is your movie and what's its name? Great question, Arnold. Thank you. Yeah, it's going to be an awesome. That's a huge venue. If you're anywhere near Portland, you really should go. Because that's the only time we're going to get out there. Seattle did not work out yet again. They gave us the boot. Yeah. Seattle, your city's terrible. You know I'm sure it's fine, but listen, no one wants us there. So come down to cross state lines. Yeah, dude. You can bring the weed across state lines too, man.

That's what's awesome. Yeah. I did it the reverse the last time we played Portland. You did what? I took a bunch of weed, dad, and brought it from Portland to Washington. First, you're losing your cherry to San Francisco. And now this. And then that Sunday.

On November the 10th, we are going to be hanging out in our place we really like Los Angeles. Love L.A. Love L.A. So what are we, what crime or sexual endeavor are we doing there? Dude, we are going to be at the Hollywood Improv. We are going ass to ass with the original Geronik. There we go. There we go. Jennifer Connolly will be joining us on stage. I'm kidding.

Sweep the ass. And Steve Sadek as Jennifer Connell. Yikes. And, yeah, we're doing that. It'll be super fun. Hollywood Improv is an awesome venue. Totally. Go out.

We're going to be in L.A. It's going to be super fun. It's our West Coast tour. We're really excited about it. These tickets are moving. I'm already hearing some rumblings about sold-out shows. I don't know. I think at least one of the shows, the VIP ticks are sold out. Sold out weeks ago.

You get those VIP tics, I mean, you get to hang with us after the show. Yeah, totally. Super fun. So check all that out in the WHM podcast. The newly revamped. That's right. Fulip Sobrero. Newly revamped WHM Podcast.com on that tour tab.

Barry Levinson, go. Here we go. Oh, fuck. This is Barry Levinson. We got one word from the audience. It is Barry Levinson. I heard it in the back. This is a movie I saw a ton of times.

At least a dozen probably more. Both of you guys love the fucking sphere. Spear Boys. I've seen this movie 15 times too. No. It was an HBO thing. And this movie is like four hours long. It's incredibly engrossing.

Because here's the thing. Is it? The script is wretched. Bad script. The performance is a really good, I think, for the most part. It's actors that I really like are wall to wall, and they're all pretty good in it. I think this is my third time seeing this. I saw this in the theaters.

I remember that distinctly. That was kind of like a nice afternoon. Oh, sure. Wait, how many times have you seen it? Like three times? I'm sorry. Eric, you can't be in the sphere boys. No, I don't want to be a spear boy.

Oh, dude, we're going to get some fucking denim jackets with circles on the back of him? Yeah, dad, I'm a fucking sphere boy. You're a what? You get one with a jellyfish on it. You get one with a squid egg on it. My boy's in a Crichton cult. Oh, no, he changed his name to Andrew Coyote.

He's got 300 copies of Airframe. son is this like nexium Is that what that's what that's see? Which was camped out a mile from my parents' house Yeah that's right My parents live near a famed sex cult No so you saw it once in your I saw it in the theater

Right It was the thing is like I didn't dislike it I was actually totally fine with it Because I back in those days I cherish those mid-range movies Yes I agree That middle the road

Like this is just a soggy little movie Because it's underwater and you just fucking hang out in it and it's fine but nowadays everything has to be fucking you know firing on all all cylinders

we gotta blow the doors on it right everything's got to be like if you're not breaking a record you shouldn't make a move like that everything's blah blah blah blah or oh me but I want me Oscar that's Eric's impression of a green book but that's the world we're living in now

though we don't have those mid-range movies and I kind of, it was kind of nice revisiting it, but at the same time, it sucks. Well, I, it definitely sucks. That's not up for debate now. But like, at the time, I, since I hadn't seen, I, at the end of the last episode,

Longmore, man, called the Solaris for idiots. It is completely. And I hadn't seen Solaris yet. So the premise was really interesting. Oh, sure. It was genuinely like, oh, my God, okay, that's a interesting way to do aliens. Like, that's very cool.

And then the minute you see Solaris, oh, you're like, oh, Oh, it's fucking awful. The problem is, and it's interesting, Eric, that you were saying that this is, it's just like a middle of the road, whatever. And it totally is. It's like a step above a B science fiction movie. The problem with it, though, is it's carrying itself with the bombast of a fucking Spielbergian, like James Cameron-esque, like high-tier science fiction. It's trying to be smart by being slow.

You know what? If we don't move too fast, maybe they won't find us out. you know what we're actually doing is recreating what the executives thought about this movie before it was released because this was supposed to come out on Christmas. It was a Christmas for release and then they pushed it to February because they were like, ew, sphere.

I mean, because everyone was like, oh wow, it's like Michael Crichton, Barry Levitts, Dustin Hoffman, yes, yes, yes, yes. And then they're like, oh, that's that's that movie? No, February. Well, that's the, that's, it's, that's bad thinking though, because so like 93, Jurassic Park, 95 Congo, 97 lost world.

And then, so this is like the fourth, it's like the height of the 90s Crichton fever. It's Creighton, boom, man. Why wouldn't you put this out in the summertime? Also, like, you're underwater, it's hot out. Everybody's thinking about cooling off. It's like, it was like, it was the, what else you got?

Like, oh, the Jurassic Park Kids coming in. What else he got? Right. Oh, it's about a sphere. I love it. $100 million. A sphere, great. I got one of those stuck up my ass right now.

Oh, a timeline, fantastic. Monkeys with lasers, I love it. This kid's got a billion great ideas and they're all terrible. I never saw timeline. I need to. We will eventually. It's better than this movie.

It's Paul Walker's in it. 100%. Really? Yeah. I mean, okay. 100%. I think as a kid,

I didn't realize how dirt stupid this movie. This movie with any adult scrutiny just falls right apart. But it's because of what Eric's saying, though, it's slow and cautious. This movie's like a cat burglar. It's like, let's just sneak to

the end credits and nobody finds out her stupid wheel. Dustin Hoffman just quotes Jurassic Park's like, if you don't move, it can't see you. No one will see the plot hole if you don't move. Andrew, what you were saying about like this movie's trying to be like prestigious or whatever. But I feel like a lot of these

mid-range movies in the 90s tried that too. Even something like Air Force 1 is soup to nuts is dumb as shit. But it presents itself as like, oh, don't that's the biggest part of it I think with this movie

is the orchestration like the score of this movie I don't know like they were trying to make some like prestige picture and the whole thing fell apart and the guy was like well I got the score done

I guess I'll sell it to sphere it's also the chapter titles Oh dude get the fuck out They cut the pacing to ribbon Dude it's like watching a fucking episode of Frasier with these things There's one fucking chapter called analysis

and then the next one is further analysis. Yes, Niles, that crane is back. I mean, that sphere is back. You get the idea. Oh, no, Niles, there's all these jellyfish everywhere. All right, chapter four, the sphere. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, I'm listening. I'm listening.

Jerry, Jerry, what happened with the jellyfish? Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, why are you in my dad's chair? Half of this movie is Dustin Hoffman. saying the word Jerry. And the other half is him saying fucking jellyfish. Oh, man, Jerryfish. That'll do it. Oh, shit. What's the deal with

all these flakes I have to eat? I'm a Jerry fish. That's supremely dumb and I apologize. This movie is Jerry. I'm a banya fish. Oh, look at that. The rarely seen in the wild

banya fish. Oh, a beautiful day for banyer fish. That guy blows his brains out. Beautiful day for banyer fish is when he it's a deal at NBC spelled like S-E-A. Banya's not dead. No, no, it's J.D. Salinger's

story, A Beautiful Day for Banana Fish. Oh, or a wonderful day for Banana Fish. The guy blows his brains out. Never read it. Pretty great. Is that in the collection there, raised the beam high, ye carpenter, whatever the fuck that shit is. That's in nine, my friend. Oh, yeah, that checks out. It's one of the nine, huh?

It's one of the nine. I think it's five. You know what's a good one at that? stories. It's five. Seven of nine is a very sexy story. Oh, yeah, dude. J.D. Salinger's seventh story. That is about a fucking pork.

A sexy pork. Let me tell you, she made a lot of nerds of dreams come true on Star Trek Voyager. Look out. She wasn't young enough for J.D. Salinger. By the way, it's a perfect day for banana fish. Just want to put that out there. Stop your tweets. Good one. So, yeah. No one was tweeting.

No one was. But... No one reads. If you're listening to this, you don't even have a high school education. And that's fine. Stop insulting the fans. So we open on just, you know it, open, all right, I'm going to sell you a hundred million dollar movie. Guess what? We open Dustin Hoffman in a helicopter with a guy who likes the Baltimore

Orioles. Dude, dude. Not just any guy, Chris Gavin. That is Huey Lewis. Of Huey Lewis. Yes, yes, yes. And not only that, it's Dustin Hoffman waking up. The movie wakes up. Because we get that prestigious fucking 30-minute opening credit sequence where I have to hear about the costume designer of Sphere. Yep, it's insane. These credits are going-suit designer, excuse me.

And it's all so you can just see all these pictures of like fucking sea monsters throughout the ages and all these nautical maps and all this garbage. Yeah, oh, right, and crackens and shit. Oh, tons of crackens. I can't believe I missed U.E. Lewis. That's actually hilarious because I read in the tribun. His helicopter's just too darn loud.

I'm sorry. Mr. 15 times or whatever? Nine times. Nine times you didn't notice Huey Lewis. I did not. I'm sorry, Steve. I cut you off, though. What were you saying?

No, no, but did anyone read the trivia about Huey Lewis? No. Which confused me because I was like, wait, why would you... What Barry Levinson was considering for the end credits of this film... Original song? With a duet between Huey Lewis and Queen Latif. He wanted it. And it didn't happen, or maybe somebody was like, that's a fucking terrible idea.

You know what? I think Eric Ciske's reading my mind, say it. An interlude in that song where Dustin Hoffman raps. I mean, I was just going to say better movie, but that's also a good idea. That always isn't going to drive in the driveway. That always looks to drive in the driveway. If this is fear, please let me know. I don't know if I'm supposed to be in the rest of this movie.

That's the power of jellyfish. I'm going to fly you, and I'm going to take care of the sphere. I wish I was a little bit taller. Yeah, that is his line that he gets. I wish I was a baller. Like a sphere. Kids? Kids.

Ma, ma'am, big boy did it. Ma, big one did it. I wish I had a girl who was cool. I would call her something terrible. I mean, yeah, we'll get there This movie's fucking misogynistic as shit So I didn't know Is Huey Lewis

So he's flagging him in his like Oh, welcome to the movie Dustin Hoffman Yep, here we are And he's like basically just Dustin Hoffman is a psychologist He is on a list for people For psychiatrists that Will care for people

After a plane crash Right so he like goes to sights And he's on hand for like you know Trauma and whatnot which what a fucking One heroic job but also that's just misery. Yeah. That's a tough job.

But then later it's revealed that he also wrote like some report for the Bush 1 administration about alien contact. It's so awesome. So yeah, he explains to Huey Lewis like what his job is. And they have this back and forth of like, well, it's a plane crash. And Hugh Lewis is like, what? Playing crash. Yeah. What did they tell you?

I don't know. What did they tell you? What are we doing? Where are we? But the only way this doesn't know what he's doing. All he knows is he's dropping him off. And this has been a lot of people coming in it at. out of here all week, blah, blah, blah.

And then so Dustin Hoffman, like, he loses like, all right, we're here. And he looks, he's like, that's not a plane crash. And we see, like, the shot of the ocean. There's, like, a fleet of ships all around this whole thing. So you know, you know, something's up. And so Dustin Hoffman goes on this boat or a battleship or whatever.

He meets Peter Coyote. Excellent name. Just a terrific name. So awesome. And he is an underrated actor. He is. I like him actually a lot. Barry Levinson is shooting this, like a fucking Paul Greengrass picture. like in the hallways like handheld stuff while fucking Sharon Stone who is the biochemist

Yes which in the book This character is a zoologist by the way But to Eric's point This is when Peter Coyote is like It's not a plane crash Remember that report you wrote in the Bush administration About how to meet an alien Well that's the A we never investigated it

B we took it word for word Like it's the Bible And here's all the people you wanted to which were just people you knew. Dude, background check these people because Peter Coyote has problems with Sharon Stone's like medical history. Yeah.

And her relationship with Justin Hoffman, like, yeah, and Peter Coyote is introduced. It's like, what branch of the government are you from? It's like, nobody knows, I'm a black hat kind of guy or whatever. Like that's his idea. He says some of the man in black kind of dude. Yeah, because he's like, you ever hear the whatever? The OSS, I think.

No, no. You ever heard of the OSSA? Yeah. Which is the great. group they are a part of. So the thing that's doing the thing doesn't know the guy who's leading the thing. Makes no fucking sense.

This is the, you know, spy versus spy land, you know? But this guy, yeah, he's just like, oh, I'll just take this fucking weird psychiatrist's report on its face and do no, to Eric's point, no background checks. Well, Barr, we got the little short Jewish man

came in today and gave me his report about the aliens and I got to tell you. scarier than anything Stephen King or Michael Crichton ever wrote Look, I can't be thinking about aliens I gotta slaughter people in Nicaragua Why don't we just get Dustin Hoffman To do an alien thing

And then people will think that's funny Hey, Poppy, can I meet the ETs? You're not meeting any aliens Until you finish 9-11, son You finish your 9-11 paper And then we'll talk, boy We need a plan, son yeah all right poppy knock him down like dominoes i don't know that's up to you boy when

you're president oh you put the pentagon in here i think that's a nice little note there w that's my junior always thinking two steps ahead they're all gonna be looking over here but they're no we have to look over there yeah yeah yeah oh that is that the alien report yeah put it down over there that's fine bar you have it here as a united 90 i say united 93 it's A better movie title. All right. So I need a report on aliens. I need a report on what to do with a DeLorean that travels through time.

I need a... Gotta have a report here on... If a Frenchman blasts a bunch of horn noises at a spacecraft. I need to get a body cow from Guatemala and then burn it. Need a report on what's going on with all those dojoes. A lot of karate's going on in this country. Got to have to put the fix in at the All Valley. Got to deregulate those.

Dojo's bar? I gotta have a plan in place for if a madman billionaire brings dinosaurs back to life. So he's on this boat, Dustin Hoffman is, and he meets up with the rest of the team. It's Sharon Stone, Samuel L. Jackson, who's a mathematician, and Liam Schreiber, who's an astrophysicist, and the world's biggest asshole.

Yeah, well, he's actually kind of funny, oddly enough, a proto Neil deGrasse Tyson. He writes a book called Astrophysics you can use. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. Like kind of a fake Carl Sagan obviously. And then he starts critiquing a bunch of movies like an asshole. Yeah, exactly. And then he's like, oh, statistically, so many people

die every day, 50 people die in a mass shooting. Like, it doesn't matter. Yeah. He's just a numbers guy, you guys. You know what? What a fucking piece of shit. And you know what? I would like to say this. When everybody loved that dude, I thought he sucked. Agreed. Yeah, me too. Okay, good. I think you can go back on the records on this show. We were making fun of that guy for years. He sucked way before the sucks crime stuff, but that just really puts the nails in.

See our episode on Moontrap a thousand years ago. Oh, right. The newly revamped episodes tab on the website. Oh, yeah, the website, WHMpodcast.com. We love it. We're really proud of it these days. So yeah, look, so it's, and they all know him. Sharon Stone said that she knew him at like MIT, but like all. Also, they clearly had an affair. Yeah. And you don't know what's going on there. But wasn't she also his patient to? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was his patient and they also clearly had an affair, which is obviously a no-go for a psychiatrist. Is it patient or student? I think both. Well, like, he says something about like she was studying her graduate degree or something at MIT. And maybe he was teaching there. But I could have sworn because Peter Coyote later is like.

Oh, well, wasn't she, you know, at one time you're patient? He's like, it's confidential. I can't talk about that, obviously. I could be sued, you know. Yeah, exactly. It could come back to me real quick. And he's buddies with Samuel Jackson, who's this mathematician, playing Harry, whatever.

And then Lev Schreiber was like, like, he knew his dad or something like that. Dustin Hoffman did, yeah, yeah. And he's, so he's known Leav Schreiber since he was like a teenager. The fucking nepotism of this report. Exactly. This report doesn't hold any water. It would make sense if the report was like, get all these specialists, but find them when the time is right.

You need a biochemist. You need a mathematics. Like, don't put names in it. It just seems so weird. It's like, yeah, now if we ever encounter a sphere, contact Samuel Jackson, because his head, it kind of looks like a sphere. Who else? Who else?

He's just watching TV. Blind Fury is on. Like, yeah, you've got to get Worker Howard to show on. You're just like bullshitting this thing. Why don't you call Leo Schreiber even though he's a square? Square.

Yes, we loved your report. Actually, well, the weird thing about your report was 15 pages of how to meet aliens and the rest was just the middle section of Farewell to Arms just all bound together. Oh, I think that was a printing error. That certainly wasn't my famed report.

This report's been plagiarized. So yes, he's like, like, hey, guess what? Why everyone is here is a couple of days ago, or not even, we noticed there's this beacon coming from under the sea way down, way down below. Something was down there. There was like a ship down there or something. Yeah, they were, that's what it was. They were like laying cables on the ocean floor. They discovered this massive ship that's buried under eight yards of coral. And so they all start doing like a bunch of meth because Sharon Stone's like, well, this coral only grows like such and such inch per year, whatever it is.

And Sam Jackson does the calculations in his head being the mathematician. And they discovered that this, because of how much coral is on top of it, that it's been lying on the ocean floor since 1709. And then cut to Peter Coyote. Yeah, yeah, just sci-fi stuff. You know what it's, you know, something's down there. Let's just go see it. shut up with your science.

And it's like, shut up with your science. It's like, oh, and look at this. We found an enormous spaceship. And what we did was we created a habitat right next to it. And the cool thing about this habitat is it's enormous and could fit up to,

including 40 people. But we're going to bring only these five people that are in this report, plus two, plus Quid Latif and some other lady. You would have a garrison of commandos down there. In the book, they go down with its, the scientists, and then there's like a Navy squadron that goes down. Of course there would be. That would make

sense. And wouldn't you know it? We only lost like 400,000 naval officers while building this thing. Yeah, what was the fucking timetable for constructing this Atlantis under the sea? Whenever one of the naval soldiers died from exhaustion, we built them into the facility. It's in between

the wall. It's like the movie Sicario that's not out yet. And his thing is like, all right, we're going to get eight hours of training on how to be in the most dangerous environment in the world that it's like, sounds great. Here's a question. New title card.

Training. Further training. I had a question about Leev Schreiber in this movie. So this is 98, so say we're filming in like 97, maybe late 96, something like that, right? So was it

immediately after this movie was made that his voice lowered? Because what is this Leev Shriver I'm watching in this movie? Because in Scream, he doesn't speak in the first one. He's just shown on like the television footage or whatever.

He looks like Bob Odenkirk. Like he maybe has a line. He doesn't like Bob Odenkirk. And maybe he has a line. I don't really remember. I think they filmed scenes, but they were cut from that. Yeah, that kind of sounds right.

Well, then Scream 2 is like 97. Cotton weave. Cotton wery. Cotton wery. But it's weird because he's in Scream 2 in 97 and he sounds like regular Leav Shreve. but in this movie, it's way higher and I'm like, what is going on? I think it's doing

a voice. Trying to sound smart. Yeah. No, what are you talking about? His testicles finally dropped. He had puberty at 31 years old. But that... Oh, God. That's not a help her. Hair down there. Wait, what? I'm almost middle-aged. What?

Horny all the time. But speaking of voices, though, that's funny because Sharon Stone, who's from like Pennsylvania, sounds like she's doing like a pseudo-southern accent. Like just the slightest bit of something And I'm like, why are you bothering for sphere? I gotta say I was actually pretty

I like Sharon Stone in this movie I like Sharon Stone in a lot of things No, exactly, it just reminded me like She's been like in movie jail or whatever But she's a really good actress Like she's bringing the heat in this movie Has she done anything since like basic instinct two? I think Catwoman was after

She was an alpha dog where she's in a fat suit at the end Really? Wait, I'm sorry, what? It's bad. It's a bad movie. A, it's a terrible movie Alpha Dogg's a wretched movie That's J.T. Justin Timberlake's in that movie?

Justin Timberlake is in it. Anton Yolkin, I think, is in it. Ben Foster's in it. Ben Foster goes into a party looking for something. People swarm at him and he karate fights them in the middle of this act, in the middle of a drama. At the end of the movie, because

it's about kids who die or whatever insurance store is one of the parents. They cut to her, it's like an interview which makes no sense because that's not what the movie is. And like she's just like in this fat suit like yeah it's been hard ever since Billy died hence the fat suit that's really weird and she starts crying

it's really bad and I think she's worked pretty consistently just I mean she's in the fucking horrendous movie fading jigolo she was in that loveless movie remember the Linda Loveless bio she schools everyone in casino she is the best part of that movie

absolutely by 10 yards and then she was in something like more kind recently. It's coming out. Oh, she's in, what is it? New Pope. The HBO show. Oh, you know what she's Graydon? Is Soderberg's Mosaic? Oh, I never saw that show. She's really good in. That was HBO.

Was it HBO? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's in this and like, but the problem is they sidle her with this fucking, this character who's in capital K crazy. They say she's crazy. Yeah, she's like, you're crazy. But it's like the stand, like, she's a

genius level science, it's like everybody else is. But she's like a nut. Even Peter Coyote to her face litter, this movie calls her a nutbag. Yep. Which is, A, a pretty good one. But, you know, it's... Anytime a grown adult says nutbag is like a seriously

intended insult. There's feelings of an alien presence here. Yeah, okay. Cool, cool. Cool, cool. Exactly. So they go down there, right? Well, important details, Steve, before we get down there, because Sam Jackson, who knows,

Dustin Hoffman personally is like by the way I'm pretty certain that your report is garbage and that it's we cannot forget

this Dustin Hoffman just made up this report and so that's because he's like why did you use our names he's like because I thought it was bullshit nobody would fucking read it and I just put names of people

I know in it oh really Harry you think you think you think this report about aliens is bullshit of course of course it's bullshit What are we doing here? Harry, of course it's bullshit. I'm just here to get paid.

If you look on page 14, it's just Mortal Kombat 2 fatalities. It's just, that's it. It's a list of codes. It's all uptown, left, right, from sweeping distance, left, right, left, right, back, back, AB. Did you actually read it?

Because every 10th page is blank. Harry's slumming it through it is like, you put the nudalities in here? Those aren't even real. I was going to bring him in tomorrow, but then I had to give it to the president. Boy, I want to see those nudalities on my desk, first thing. Now, Junior, you get plugging away at those codes.

I better see Raiden's tiny dick. Yeah, we already got Babe Aladies, Barb. You don't got to worry about the babies. Yeah, thanks a lot, Jeb. Already tackled friendships. Trying to work for the nudalities, boy. And I took care of the fatalities. I sure did.

What if we came to a different understanding? understanding about the nudalities. I want the nudalities on my desk before they go on Bush's desk. Where do you first? Someone made a nudality for me. What if I was a nudality? Up down, left, right, ABA, nudality. I'm thinking of Dick Cheney being interviewed.

He's like, yeah, my son died, hence the fat suit. My daughter came out of the closet, so hence the fat suit. Vice dog. Oh, Vice Dog, dude, that's a movie. It's about a dog who becomes Vice President. Better Vice President than fucking Dick Jane. What if he came to a different Woof, woof.

Here's how it happened, though. Oh, oh, I'm having a doggy heart attack. Hold on. I remember a little doggy heart attack. What if we went to the veterinarian? The Vice President dies, right? And it just so happens to be on the day where the Speaker of the House, in a joking fashion, was replaced by the barker of the house

So at that exact moment The vice president drops dead Boom vice dog That's right And constitution clearly states A dog has to be Having heartworm again So we go down to the fucking thing right

Which it makes again It just seems dangerous to have All of these scientists Outnumber the number of people Who know how to run the station You know what I mean? Yeah. There's two people and Peter Coyote who is a genius or whatever, but like, what? They spent six minutes being trained by James Pickens Jr. from Gray's Anatomy.

Who's good in this movie? For the fucking one scene that he has, he's like, all right, this is how you put the suit on, see you later, movie. Yeah. And then just putting them into harm's way of going onto the ship before anyone else, you'd think you'd have a dead meat guy walk ahead. That's where you can have these soldiers that are in the book. don't understand why they got cut out. Like, it's so dumb. I guess it makes it more intimate

and they're trying to go for, like, in a chamber drama kind of thing. Oh, sure. Yeah. Of being underwater. These suits, like, do you know how cold the fucking water is down there? These suits look like you would go

fucking swimming in them. Yeah, they're... Like, it's just like... Yeah, but you just... It's like a scuba diver. But you just explain that way, a way, dude, it's like something, something, space material,

whatever. So they get down there. They meet Queen Latifah. Oh, I got it. I know what it was. They ate a bunch of, like, chili peppers like they're in breath of the wild. Nice. Oh, it's fine now. Oh, no.

My potion's running out in 31 seconds. I need to eat another potion. Broke my bow. Oh, I broke my bow. Oh, no. Oh, no. The sword cracked. Oh, no.

Oh, no. That's the most annoying part of that game. I can't get over it. Yeah, I wish those swords were stronger. Yeah. You just find new swords, guys. Okay. It's easy for you.

I'm still stuck on trying to take the fucking picture for the witch and I can't figure it out. That's what the internet's for, dude. Just find out where they go. Cave. That's what we're saying. Cave.

I know. I know. In any, so they go down, whatever. The helium coffin is quite something. The helium coffin. Oh my God.

This is the best. One of the many, like, just lines doing a lot of work. They go down. It's like, oh, you got to breathe helium down here. And they have like fun with the helium voice. Like, all right.

That's a loud. Puteonade is like, That's a lot of fun. Put on your vocal voice regulators. Okay. Whatever the fuck ever. And it's mentioned once after that. Dustin Hoffman's like, yeah, I got this thing around my neck. If I take it off, I'm going to sound like someone's grabbing my balls or whatever. And nobody talks about you. You never see it. You know what I mean? Like the same old Jackson's in the shower, like singing valley high. Where's this vocal regulator? At least. You're totally right. Because at least in fucking John Wu's face off. Yes. They had the common courtesy to show Nicholas Cage like,

rubbing his throat, like, Beach, I can eat a page. You know, you see something there. Well, this speaks to one of my biggest problems of this movie is this movie has serious researchitis. Like, you can hear all the research they did for the whole thing in the line. The dialogue is full of all this technical crap and science shit. I could not give a fuck about it. It's about aliens, everybody. A big spherical alien.

The fuck are you talking about? I don't care how they breathe down there. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I agree. Like, you just never needed to explain any of that. Nobody cares. And I'm not a plot hole guy. I don't care, but, like, in the fucking sea of plot holes down there,

no one's going to be like, but what about the helium would make their voice sound? Like, nobody cares. Because, and Leav Schreiber is saying, like, at that depth with the pressure, or whatever it is, oxygen becomes toxic to breathe. So they're actually breathing helium. We should have just given up podcasting and did, like, those YouTube. videos where it's like, you could drive a fucking truck through this plot hole.

Oh, my Lord. Five million views $1,000 a day, thanks. Here's all the things wrong with Lord of the Rings. Strap in. Number one, that fucking sword broke. First of all, Middle Earth, not a place. Get out of map. Plot hole, Elijah Wood

is only five feet tall, not four foot 11 plot hole. Could drive a fucking truck through that. It's our most meta episode ever. We're driving trucks through the plot holes of over the top. A plot hole, Ray does not get her period in The Last Jedi. That's a plot hole for me, buddy.

Please look forward to the new YouTube channel, Cinema Truckers. We're driving. Yeah. We're driving through these potholes. Cablamo. Oh, my tire blew out of that bottle. Turn on those windshield wipers. It's rain in cinema sins.

I'm getting my dick sucking a gas station parking lot because these are trucker cinema sins. Oh, no, we hit the cinema ice. We're going to die. Oh, oh, looks like that blowjob I got was evil because we didn't see the training of the blowjob. How do I know it was good? It's true.

It sounds like a mirror. That's a blow jump from very soon. Oh, no, Gilligan and the skippers here. whole real trucker sue trucker sue indeed you're right though you should have started that I know like we would actually be relevant

just blast and fucking holes in these plots that is what people reward it's true so they get down there it's just Queen Latifah and this other woman the adventures of Queen Latifah and other girls Jesus Christ Queen Latifah is like five lines

six of them are oh wow Queen Latifah in this movie I guarantee so many of these line readings because when we get to the jellyfish I'm going to talk about she sees jellyfish and there's so many of them surrounding her and she's like oh yeah

it's beautiful down here oh guys look how beautiful this is and this goes on oh wow oh wow yes it goes on for like 15 minutes practically or it feels that much and I don't think

she thought they were going to use all of them No, no, no, no, no. Like, I'm just doing, I'm just going. Yeah, that's a really good point. All right, you know, all right, Dana, say it this way now. Okay. All right, now say it this way. All right, yeah, yeah.

All right, now use a word other than beautiful. Okay. Barry, am I getting stung? Am I getting stung yet, Barry? Can you give me a sign? When am I getting stung? You can drive a truck through that. I think the other reason I like this movie, or I liked this movie as a kid,

and I still, you know, whatever. any alien rip-off I'm there for any single alien anytime a team of people put on suits go inside of his spaceship and start poking around I just I'm a sucker for it

it's a nice thing it is I like it they do that they put on their suits they go inside this big spaceship like day one and what xenomorphs oh no that would be interesting awesome they should do an alien movie

with Dustin Hoffman on these types of people overseas swimming xenomorphs I do like that would be something They're about to go on the spaceship They find look at the airlock or whatever And they realize it's dry on the inside There's no water And Peter Coyote has to be like

All right guys We don't know what the air is like Here keep your helmets on I'm like yeah thanks Peter Coyote Got it I'm not gonna just It took me an hour to put this thing on I'm not gonna pop my helmet on

Seriously Now Neil Armstrong Remember keep your helmet on We do not know the conditions Of the moon That's what it's like though Oh thank God you got me there, Houston. I already had one

strap unclicked. Wait, you're saying I can't take my suit off underwater here? I just want to be in my boxers. Oh, Lord. Yeah, so they go in this thing. There's a weird like, so they have to go like they walk underwater and then

go up through a thing where they've created an air pocket and they're on this platform or whatever and it's like, how are we going to get this door open? And Leo Schrever starts like fucking hitting it. Yeah. With like hammer or whatever and like it chips off and there's this whole discussion about like well you said this was down here and it came from space but a scientist just chipped it with a hammer yeah and then like they go into this fucking stupid spaceship sam jackson is the only one with any sense to be like hey did

you guys ever think about whether or not we should open this door at all and they're like fuck you math guy. But doesn't the door, the door opens on its own, right? It does, yeah. It's just like who, oh, spooky. Sam Jackson again trying to warn them is like, hey, did you ever think about who opened that door? No, okay. Thank you for the TV in my room. You know, I was watching Event Horizon.

Just on the way in, guys. It's a hell of a movie. A hell of a movie. A lot of things they did in that movie they should not have done. Oh yeah, we let somebody in here with Carl, the janitor. I mean, do you think that an old fucking 709 spaceship looks this nice? Just

all the sudden. It is a big doorway though. You could drive a truck through that. You could drive a truck through that space door. So the team goes in and they split up and Sharon. Classic moves. Sharon Stone and Dustin Hoffman go up upstairs in an elevator

and they find a fucking astronaut with a goddamn blue diamond almonds bag. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. The stupidest product placement I've seen in a long time. Well, it's good to know that Blue Diamond Alman's makes it to the year. We find out, 2043 is where this spaceship is from original.

Right, right, right. That which assumes that there would be a 2043 plot hole. There's not going to be recorded history after 2039 guy. Oh, and with the fucking, you know, global warming, almonds are probably gone by them. That's a fucking cinema sin. Pah-da-da-da-da-da-da-paw-pawpaw-Cimimus. Plot hole. This is going to be the rest of it.

the episode. But also my other part about this scene is like the second they split up, Sharon Stone, like you're at a bad party with somebody, turns to Duffington Hoffman's like, what the fuck was with that report? You put my name.

What are we doing? He's like, yeah, I'm sorry. I just, I put your name. Like, he has to go up to everybody kind of quiet. Like, I just knew this guy from work. I didn't know there was going to be karaoke here. I apologize.

That scene, though, starts with him blabbing that he faked it. Yes. Like he's running around telling. everybody. Everybody but Peter Coyote. I mean, Peter Coyote should just shoot him in the head. That's true. Yeah, that should definitely. Kill this guy.

Look, Sharon. I tried and then Bush cut my dog's head off. All right. I tried to, you know, I wanted to just be me and take the hit, but he came for me. And she like, they hinted all this history, but nothing's ever confirmed until she says,

imitating him, like quoting him or whatever. Gee, Beth, I thought you knew I was married. Yikes, that fucking... Let's see that flashback, everybody. That's an actual sin. That was an actual line Dustin Hoffman put in there. Yeah, I've used this one before.

In my repertoire. Peter Coyote and Sam Jackson and Leav Schreiber, when they're, like, searching around in the lower level, one of them dusts off this little, like, counter or whatever. And it's a sign for a garbage can't say, trash. And so what's so fucking frustrating about where this movie winds up

is that all of this is awesome. Yeah. Like this thing has been down here since the early 1700s and we found a fucking American astronaut holding almonds and he'd been murdered. And there's a trash receptacle in English right there.

And I'm sitting there. Like I didn't see this in like 20 years, whatever. And I'm like, this is fucking great. Yeah, it's cool. What a cool thing. And just the movie has its hand on the fucking toilet handle and is waiting to flush itself at any second. Well, it comes with like, hey, we got

a sphere up here. This is when we finally meet the titular sphere. Oh, sure. Yeah, like 33 minutes into the movie. And it's a big old globe. It's a beautiful sphere. It's a perfect, perfect sphere we've come to learn. I love the movie sphere because they have a gold

sphere. I love gold. It was originally a silver sphere, and I told bearer you gotta make it gold you gotta make it cold uh also i didn't understand a single thing about that movie what i tried to have eric fast forward to all the fight scenes but there weren't any what is analysis oh no i yeah i actually know it's this thing i used to do a lot of analists back of the day yeah less now mean jeff they uh So they're talking about the sphere. The weird thing is, like, wow, it's amazing.

This sphere is incredible. And somebody, everyone keeps talking about like, I wish we can get in there, but there's no door. And I'm like, it's a big stick of water. Walk through it. Like, I don't know. We're putting your hand in a little bit. Listen.

Or throw a rock in you. Someone does put their hand, like, I think it's solid. And yeah, it's solid. The thing, and here with the sphere, but also just like walking around the ship in general, that's not accurately conveyed is how, and because these are normal. boring scientists.

The only one who's excused here is Peter Coyote. Why is no one else just furiously shitting their pants? Yeah. I would be just standing in the doorway taking a dump in this suit because I would be shit scared. Oh, I'm sorry. Before we meet up with the sphere, we watch the unknown entry event.

This is Sharon Stone and they find the ship's log. It's a planetarium. There's a planetarium in the fucking ship. A planetarium slash 2001 rip-off. Welcome to the unknown entry event. Take your seats, everyone. Narrated by Neil deGrasse Tyson.

No! Yeah, it's like an IMAX 3D special event. And again, they're not horrified. They're like, wow, this is cool. I'm like, no, constant screaming, constantly. And they see the ship go into a black hole because guess what? Much like The Simpsons of Wizard did it, if it's a sci-fi movie and you don't know to do, a black hole did it. Yep. And so they, you know,

they combine their fucking science powers and hypothesized that a spacecraft launched by America in the future. Possibly 2043, drove into a black hole, got shot back to 1709, and crashed. And again,

I'm still on board because what a mystery. Wow. And at some point they picked up this golden fucking circle. Right. Well, there's some line about like, oh, I think that this ship was meant to, like, explore the universe, collect shit and bring it back. Oh, which is like, what's his face in those Guardians movies?

Benicio. Yeah, yeah, but, like, man, is that fucking ambitious? Oh, yeah, by 2043, America's going to have an exploratory spaceship manned with people, bringing back alien artifacts. It's where I got the idea for Space Force. It's a great idea, folks. It's like, well, that's like, what, 41 years later or something like that? If I could take a hot shower in 2043, I'll be fucking shocked.

I'll eat my fucking hat. If I'm not eating people in 2043, I'll eat my hat. You might have hats only then. So A, space travel is crazy. B, time travel exists. C, this is a sphere. By the way, the sphere reflects everything, but people. And Sam Jackson points that out.

Thank God he pointed it out. Otherwise, it'd be a friggin ploddle. How to do that? Is it a spherey sue? Bo-da-da-da-da-da-bo-mo-brum. Plot-hole. We can just change our name to Vroom Vroom, Vroom. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you hear Vroom this week? It was terrible. Oh, yeah. So they go back to the... Yeah, the area there. The what are they called? The habitat. And because this was originally a story penned by Michael Crichton,

uh-oh, there's a big rainstorm, and the people who can save our lives... lives have to fucking drive away for the story. It's just it's amazing. They're just like

oh, Peter Coyote's like oh the big storm's coming through and the fucking boat's got to leave all right.

Oh, you wanted the pods to be able to be launched during a rainstorm. You should have told me this Peter Coyote.

I mean, I know we already killed like 400,000 soldiers building this thing. We could kill 100,000 more and get your better

pods. But no, actually Wayne Knight, a Habitages the habitat. Because he's stealing a bunch of tiny spheres that are the shells of the corporation. Exactly.

The sphere eggs. So, yeah, they're supposed to like, the whole plan is they're going to, like, leave early and go back up because there's, again, a hurricane or whatever. So then Peter Coyote is like, look, everybody, it's a, we're 1,000 feet under water. Everyone go to bed. You know what? Everybody go to bed. Go to bed. And this is when Sam Jackson and Dustin Hoffman are talking.

after Sam Jackson's first of two shower scenes in this movie. Which is not. By the way, he is fully naked in front of Dustin Hoffman, who is fully clothed. And they're just talking while he's bathing.

Like, yeah, we're not at the gym. I mean, I know I was not in the military. So I don't know what that life is like, but they seem way cool with it. They're just scientists. You know what, Harry? I'm going to be in the, you finish showering. You're going to hypothesize after you put on some pants.

C.H.N.J. Clothed Hoffman, nude Jackson. Ooh, I like that. That's your fetish. Could you not? Dude, that's the extreme tab on porn hope. Dude, look out. I'm Harry. Could you, pardon the drool? I got to say, though, too. I mean, Sam Jackson, in 1980, he's fucking fit as fuck in this movie. You know, he was making Jackie Brown the exact same time. On the weekend. Yes.

That's crazy, dude. It's the craziest thing I've heard since Michael J. Fox filmed back to the future at night and growing pains during, or, uh, Alex Bikitin. Family ties during the day. Yes.

That's, I mean, I hear both of those things. I'm like, well, I'm just tired hearing. Oh, yeah. You have to, like, work with Christopher Lloyd and then you have to do nothing. Or yeah, you have to go do like, do work in Quentin Tarantino in one of his best movies and then also come back and like,

what, what science nonsense of my saying in this. I mean, he's literally sleeping through a lot of this. So, that's actually very true. The character. Yeah. So Barry, I really like eggs. That's kind of it. Scared of squids, got it. Eggs, got it. Okay.

So his head is like a sphere. And he likes eggs, which are like little spheres. And that's why we suspect that he is in it with the sphere. He's a double age, a spear double agent. He, in this naked scene, hypothesizes

that they all have to die down in the habitat and never make it up to Earth because obviously it's time travel and if it's an unknown entry event in the future then why would that ever work? By the way, watch any time travel movie that never works anyway. Doesn't that happen after he goes into the sphere?

No, this is right before he goes to sleep and then he wakes up in the night and goes into the street. Right, and it's the funniest fucking thing because he's like, he's getting into the bed And he's like, you know, Dustin Hoffman, we're all going to die down here. What's that? What did you say? And he lays it out, like Steve just said.

And he's like, well, good night. And it turns the light off. And Dustin Hoffman's like, uh, okay. Sorry, but still like grappling with this reasoning of the time travel paradox thing of like, why is it an unknown entry event? Is it like they think like no one knows what black holes are in the future? Yeah. Like, why would it matter you coming back and saying,

He's saying if they know that they found this thing. Yeah. When we get to 2043, why would the ship then say there was an unknown entry event? But it's one of those like snake eating itself. Why would Donnie Darko even happen if, you know what I mean? Like if you find out your head's going to start hurting. Exactly. Because it's like, oh, I guess you'd say this exact ship, that unknown entry event is doing this.

Yeah. Right. So it wouldn't be unknown. You'd say, oh, here we are. probably never even happened because they would know not what is what is the event though that it's crashing that it flies into the black hole oh right right right they would know they would know to avoid the black hole

if they found it but yeah and then it would then it would just vanish and none of this would have happened anyway I'm sorry I said it was the Bush administration you just assumed it was Bush is actually a quail idea he was the one I was reporting to potato event sphere

S-F-E-E-R Great job, Weiss That joke is for people 35 and up At least So Sam Jackson in the night Like Eric said Sneaks back at

This is crazy It's another thing that he says Before he turns out the light Or he turns out the light And he like puts his hands behind his head And he's like Ah man I wish I could get in that sphere You're like, okay.

But the funny thing is, like, I don't know. Like, if you ever stayed over somebody's house and, like, kind of thought about, like, what if I snuck out, maybe I want to smoke a cigarette? Every time. Like, oh, what if I just left for a second? But you're like, I don't want to wake everybody. And, like, I don't know the house. What if there's an alarm?

Like, the idea that everyone in the, in the habitat goes to sleep. And, like, there's no one. They're like, Peter Coyote. Nobody's like, hey, who's leaving this fucking enclosure, a thousand feet, a thousand miles under the earth surface or whatever the fuck? A thousand miles seems to be a bit much. I think it's a thousand feet maybe. But it would be great

if Peter Coyote gets up to the microphone it's like boom boom boom It's bedtime everyone Everyone in the habitat Has to turn in for the evening Your sea attendance will be coming around To collect any leftover trash But that's

I think Queen Lativa and other girl need to be like switch and shifts exactly you know what i mean and there also needs to be a like the civilian doctors shouldn't be able to just come and go from this habitat whenever they please and there's no sun down there so who gives a shit who when you sleep you do it in shifts yeah exactly there's no medical team there in case they need it like there's nothing it's credible but there's plenty of food a lot of lean cuisine yes apparently so peter oh gosh darn it you know i told you kids to steer clear that's Dustin Hoffman, your buddy

went, you know, in the middle of the night, just went and grabbed that sphere. You know, this is my habitat. You're sleeping over at my habitat. You should respect my habitat. And they were supposed to leave that morning before the storm or whatever. They decide they can't now

because of... Because your friend had to go around and fuck around on the sphere and also left the door open, by the way, which I don't appreciate. And the dog got out. Look, all the Navy gave me was Queen Latifah and Madam Nobody. So, please, understand that mistakes happen. In your next report, could you list scientists that weren't born in a barn?

You know, the air conditioning is getting out now. It's hot in here. I'm hot now. I'll be sending your little friend the air conditioning bill for the month. It's crazy that he's able to just. leave and then go on to a spaceship. San Jackson leaves and people are just going back and forth. Guys, let's call what it is.

Plot hole. Drive a truck through it. And this is the other reason why you need soldiers because he's like, well, hey, Dustin Hoffman, someone needs to mind the habitat. Can you go grab Sam Jackson? Because that's all I can do here. I bought four people down here for no reason.

Hey, Dustin Hoffman, you know nothing. Could you take care of this vast computer system that keeps this thing alive? Justin Hoffman, you're three feet tall. Could you go and make Sam Jackson do something he doesn't want to do? Enjoy it. Great. So Dustin Hoffman chases after him, but he's too late because we see Sam Jackson.

He like stares at the sphere and then like his reflection comes out of the gold juice. Yeah. And then it like just floats up like I have to go now. My planet needs me. And that's it. And Sam Jackson is the only one. You see Dustin Hopman going to the sphere as well. But Sam Jackson's the only one that, when the reflection comes through,

there's like a nefarious, like smile. He's like smirking and you're like, oh, cool, it's like, is it a clone, it's evil, whatever. When Dustin Hoffman does it, it's like, yeah, it's me. Fuck, I'm in sphere. Yep. Oh, here I go. Academy Award winner, Dustin Hoffman is going into the sphere. But so then it's a weird, and the movie never establishes,

how this looks like because it's like Sam Jackson all of a sudden he's just gone like the reflection goes up and then he's physically gone like from the room and Peter Coyote's like huh did you see that

and I'm like no because Barry Levinson fucking cutaway for no reason and then the second cutaway is actually right when they're about when Dustin Hoff is about to go in the sphere whether does he or doesn't he all the lights go out like it's a shitty murder mystery

and they're all in a train someone in this room has been feared we're going to have to solve this case right after the appetizer and then he's like well you know what because your friend went in there now no one gets to go on vacation I'm going to have to hear it from my wife about leaving the door open so they're all like all right we're going to wait and then he's like unconscious for a long stretch of this movie because

oh no no he's not no I'm sorry the next they bring him back and he's like yeah it was crazy inside the sphere And then No, he's out cold Oh, that's right He comes back Dustin Hoffman finds him on the floor Yes, and Peter Coyote's like,

Is he alive? And he's like, yeah, his vitals are fine, he's breathing. Oh, right. But he's just not conscious And he can't wake him up. Gotcha. And so, yeah, he is out cold for,

it's like 30 minutes of this movie he's asleep. He takes too long naps. Yes. There's another one later. Yes. So did I. He wakes up.

Dustin off and makes him eggs. And he's the famous eggs. scene. He's loving these eggs. And this whole, what do you call it? This whole kitchen area is so alien. Like, you know what I mean? Like Ridley Scott's alien. You're waiting for John Hurd to have a bad case of fucking

alienitis. Yeah. Well, first is that what they call that these? They call it. You'd catch alienitis eating fucking this government issued calumari. Dustin Hoffman microwaves. Yeah. What? Great birth.

Yipe. Yipe. And this is where Sam Jackson takes a bite of it and starts like puking it up or whatever hacking up a lung because new guys in the back puke him just guts out because he's scared of squids yeah I thought he was allergic like what the fuck is going on here

because like yeah some sort of like seafood slash shellfish allergy like look out below that's gonna be a real problem sure but like it's not that it's something stupid like so you should you should revel in eating yeah seriously like you're victorious you're conquering your fear you ate

it also did you watch him microwave this stuff? That's squid like product. You're scared of. I'm sorry, but he eyeballs Calamari and thinks it's onion rings. This guy should not be a doctor. Not a scientist, not anything.

It's a plot hole, really. When he does Auga. Plot hole. You could drive a truck through it. It's true. When he wakes up from this coma, this is the second shower scene, and he's like singing and

dancing and whatever. But before that, and it's fine to talk about this movie out of order because who could care. But we need to talk about what I feel is the greatest sequence of the film. Queen Latifah goes to reset some fucking data storage unit and hilarity ensues. There is a submarine that is not part of the habitat, but that can bring everybody to the surface. Right, right, right. And it will go up to the surface every 12 hours unless somebody hits, don't do that. You have to go inside a hit. Don't do that.

It's like a fail save for like if everyone was dead, it'll go to the surface and then people will have an idea of, they'll try to piece together the timeline of what happened. They say this is for everybody. But at the end, when Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone and Samuel L. Jackson are going, they're ass to ankles. They're like, they're like wedged in there. Which it means it's two and a half people because it's got Sam Jackson, Sharon Stone, and Dustin Hoffman. Hope you don't mind sitting, bitch. no but it's not for everyone to be in it's if everyone on the station dies it's just a fail so this thing goes up with the data

they store all the data because Peter Coyote says like there's cameras everywhere so they film everything so they know what happens so that if everybody dies the data will go up with it so we never see the actual escape pods that they would have to be using to get out of here no we see this like sub or whatever yeah the mini sub is the only way out but yeah this is where we get the famous jellyfish oh everything is so beautiful. She's going out and she's

walking, she's doing the sea walk to the sub and it's oh this is beautiful this is tranquil there's got to be a million jellyfish down and I'm just laughing. Oh it's just the funny and I love Queen Lativa and I think she's a good actor but this is just garbage and the thing

that sucks is this movie came out after set it off in where she's like a main character she fucking starred in that movie. It's a great movie and then it's like and now you're in sphere playing partner to other girl and Madam Nobody is

Oh Madam Nobody is way better than other girl You're right Oh no, did they name Madam Nobody I hope she doesn't flip She gets By the way we watch Justin Hoffman Eating whatever in the kitchen and he sees a jellyfish

And then they have to do an autopsy On Queen Latifah and Justin's like You know it's weird I got a real phobia jellyfish when I was a little kid I was stunned by like a thousand jellyfish it was kind of crazy but the thing by the way is that these jellyfish

swarmed Queen Latibu and kill her by the way she says like guys they're starting to stick to my faceplate and Leo Schreiber's like on the other end and he's like just walk through him it's fine they're not going to do anything to you and like he Liam Schrever is like trying to call somebody so he's like flipping all these switches

he turns on the PA to the habitat so everybody hears this woman suffer and die and this is Dustin Hoffman is sitting there he's like eating food like listening to it like oh that sounds like a real problem no one does anything to assist this woman and it's a bad

it's like a last gurgle fucking situation yes cut to her fucking autopsy Sharon Stone pulls this jellyfish off this is where Dustin Hoffman's like yeah one summer the the camp by Lake Akonda I thought about these jellyfish

and Sharon Stone's like looking at it and she's like, well, this jellyfish isn't a jellyfish. She goes, I don't know what this is, but it isn't God's creation. Is the horrendous line that this woman has to say. Sure. And like, so that goes on. Then Sam Jackson wakes up. Right.

And then we get contact with Jerry. Uh-oh. What's Jerry? And basically... The chapter, by the way, just to... Because I only started writing down some of these chapters. It's the first exchange. further exchange

they're getting all these numbers through the computer their matrix style and Sam Jackson wakes up he's like it's a code and him and Liv Schreiber worked on this thing is like oh my gosh it's a code

it's a cipher what if it's a keyboard and he's like well it doesn't make sense if it's a keyboard and Lev Schreber was like what if it's a spherical keyboard he goes you take a keyboard

and you wrap it around a sphere and I was like well this is starting to get a little dumb. Welcome to the planet of the spheres. Everything here is a sphere. We travel by sphere. We use spheres as keyboards. We fuck spheres. And it's a witt like you hear him. I mean, they are just saying gobbledygook. Oh sure. But it's like, oh, but it's a keyboard. But what if you were looking at that keyboard upside down from a sphere and you place G at the center of the and they just like do this bullshit? Well, they crack it. And now we get Jerry talking to

everyone. Yeah, and then it's just like, Hi, how are you? My name is Jerry. I am very happy. And then Joseph, it's like, what happens what? What happens with Jerry's sad?

Right. No, that happens if Jerry gets mad. Yeah, it's the stupidest cut I've ever seen where he's like, you know, Jerry's all nice now and he's, you know, he's very nice now. And then like, somebody asks some question and just dramatic close stuff of Dustin Hoffman.

What happens if Jerry gets mad? Yeah. What happens? Which, again, it's still like, kind of fine, like this mystery or whatever. There's also a weird thing, though, where they're like deducing or they're like analyzing what Jerry is writing out on the screen.

And it's not like perfect English. And they're like, oh, look at this. It's like a little kid wrote it. And Sharon Stone goes, well, that's something to consider a stupid alien. Not bad. This script is awful. I mean, it's terrible, but also like,

there's no scene. we're like, oh, weird, we just kind of talk to an alien life form. You want to, like, have a, let's have a team meeting real quick about the fucking alien we just talked to. Leo Schreiber is kind of doing that. Like, he's kind of making a point of like, well, that's the first time we talk to aliens. I'm going to go write my new book. It's just like, yeah, like, that's all I would talk. That and the sphere would be the only two things I'm talking about.

And that's it. And nobody's, but, like, at some point around here. It's another sub-problem. Madam Nobody goes out and gets killed by a bunch of sea snakes. No, it's the giant squid. This is the giant squid sequence sort of happens kind of around here.

I think around here is also we get Sam Jackson reading 2,000 leagues under the sea and he's like... 20,000. Oh, shit. Oh, that's deep. Yeah, so... And he mentions...

He can't get past page 86 because of the sea monster and it's so scary, the giant squid. Oh, right, right, right. Hence his fucking calumari fear. Which, it's, that is so dumb. I can't take it. I'm fucking, I'm kind of scared of cows.

I'll eat a cow, though. It's true. Yeah. But, yeah, so this is, so something is attacking the habitat. They don't really know what's going on. Peter Coyote's looking at the satellite and it's like, well, that, or radar rather.

And it's like, oh, kind of looks like a giant squid, but this thing's fucking huge. whatever else. They hear a tapping against the space, even though it's a foot. Like, you wouldn't hear that. You could drive a truck through it. So they send Sharon Stone and Dustin Hoffman out to find out what the dinging is. Because they couldn't have cameras on the outside to fucking, and they're fighting the whole way to like getting into the water. And this is something comes up about because Peter Coyote has spoken to her at some point,

a scene you do not see and she's yelling at Dustin Hoffman and she's like did you tell him I tried to kill myself Norman yeah and like because she's a fucking baddie broad in this movie

like she's a scientist and her only other thing is like she had the suicide attempt and like that happens but everyone's like oh my God she's fucking crazy holy shit she's fucking crazy

the funny thing oh that's fucking ladies she's fucking crazy except for Dustin Hoffman she probably thinks that there's clowns all around she's so nutto because when Dustin

Justin Hoffman's arguing with Peter Coyote, though, he's like, you know, it was a passive suicide attempt. Peter Coyote, what the fuck does that mean? He's like, someone who really wants to kill himself, like, shoots himself or jumps off a bridge. She took a bunch of whatever's and then called her boyfriend and told her, and to which Peter Coyote responds, oh, so she took

20 yellows. And I was like, what fucking scene were you a part of Coyote? Yeah, that's a really good point. The 20 yellows is really something. He just uses this drug slang and I'm like, what? You mean nuprin? Little, yellow, different.

But, yeah, also, I love that Peter Coyote has this big stack of reports that were made. And he's like, I'll read him on the sub. It's like, maybe do that before. Hey, son of it. This short guy's fucking us. All the science people will be doing

the work. I can just read. He missed the report on how doors work in this facility. Oh, yeah, he did not read that one, dude. He gets defunct by doors. but so they're in the water they're trying to like find you know madam nobody

Sharon Stone gets hit in the face with this woman's mangled foot oh right and so they find the rest of the body and Dustin Hoffman's like touching it and it's like it feels like she's just been pulverized like you don't know what's going on the book explains it better that you there's a scene where like this

it's not this same woman but there's another woman who's not in the movie and she's like battered and crushed by the squid and whatever much like we see I mean, the jellyfish actually kind of looks good for the most part. They flash to the giant squid from upside. It's

like a gray nothing. It's like an underground cloud. Like, and like if you were going to spend your month... It's like Galactus and the Rise of the Silver Surfer. It's very close. And if you were going to spend money on graphics, like that's the thing I want to see. Yeah. Yeah. Because

it's not, I mean, like, it's not scarier if you don't see it. I'll tell you that. No. No, certainly not. It makes it actually more confusing. But you know what's really scary is Squid X. Oh yeah. They're terrifying and when they hit you they don't hurt you. And I don't know

if Dustin Hoffman's ever been in a horror movie other than this I feel like not. I mean, Strawd Dogs is kind of a horror. Rain Man? That's a horror to watch. Mr. Magoriam's Magical Emporium. It's a Wonder Emporium. Excuse me, it's a Wonder Emporium.

Tweet. But all of these eggs start coming down and he starts screaming. What the hell is it? It's so awesome. They're lightly touching me. He is giving Drew Barrymore a run for her money. And it's so stupid because they're like dragging this corpse and there's like a monster.

They know at this point there's a monster of some kind. I'm like, drop this corpse and run for it. You get it later if it's still there. They're just dragging this thing. So and this is when like, a lot of stuff's happening. The squid's attacking. They get back on the ship and... Like, Sam Jackson is asleep

again. Sam Jackson is asleep again. And this is when Jerry says, why are you calling me Jerry? And it's like, creepy, right? No, because they figure out that, like, Jerry can hear them the whole time, because he's like, what is a game plan? And they're like, oh, fuck. We've been

talking shit this whole time. He's big, and he plays football, and he's going to get this shit out of you. What is a game plan? Oh, it's Jerry Stiller. Oh, okay. That's the aliens brought back Jerry Stiller and his fear. Okay, that's cool.

That would be great. Like, because like at the essence of this, the jellyfish, the giant squid, their manifestations of our crewmen's minds or whatever. So theoretically, stay puffed marshmallow, man, could have showed up. What you come to realize is, and this is where I lost it with the movie, when you realize what it is happening here. here is the last I don't know

75 minutes of this movie is just the third act of Ghostbusters like all it is is they everyone who goes in the sphere you know after you come out your subconscious and your dreams and whatever can manifest themselves in reality

and that is just race stance thinking about roasting marshmallows on the shore of Lake Oconda and the fucking state puff marshmallow man comes in Like that's, it's just that. Yep. And it sucks.

And like all the science fiction goes out the window for this psychological horror, which actually doesn't work. Nope. Because you don't care about anything. It doesn't work in the book either. It's like, it's the same thing. Yes. Give me that time travel and black hole, man.

That's the movie I want to see. Yeah. So much of it becomes like, oh, it's Sam Jackson doing all this shit. Oh, no, it's Dustin Hoffman doing all this shit. No, Sharon Don't do it all that day. So the big one. which we should talk about because the middle of this movie

just gets so murky and falls apart to truck through it. But the biggest, here's, I will say it. The biggest plot hole of this movie, the big problem is, the computer is like, why are you calling me Jerry? And then Dustin Hoffman does some math. He's like, wait, Harry did it wrong. It's not Jerry.

It's Harry. Leo Schreiber did it wrong. Right. But if, that's how codes work. Like, if you If you got one letter wrong, the whole thing wouldn't make sense. Especially if you got A and H mixed up with J and E.

That's a big flow. It would be like two crux, Blarp Park. Exactly. Well, to be fair, we never saw Leves Shriver like learn to code or decode.

Oh, right. So he's kind of a merry soon. No, but we do learn that he got a PhD at 18. Oh, that's right. I need to see him like, buckling down with a book or else it didn't happen i cannot go into a movie assuming a character has a profession i'm sorry has a past yeah any where they learned something no past everyone's just a

baby well no it's a man it's fine oh fuck you're right shit so there's all this crazy shit going on with like jerry harry what the fuck's going on the squid comes back the squid comes back and this is there's like a pressure situation and it's like you got to go release this valve and whatever and this is this was a pleasant surprise actually because the way I remembered this movie and again I haven't seen it since the late 90s but I remembered incorrectly that the way

Leav Schreiber dies in this movie is when he gets hit in the head right here Oh no you're totally hot So he gets hit in the head and you see some blood and he falls down and he's knocked out Dustin Hoffman comes in they fix the whole thing and then Peter Coyote's like

you got to pull this lever it's going to let off this electrical current that'll get the squid off and Sharon Stone's like oh you told me about this electrical device. You told me that it always caused fires in here. So Dustin Hoffman, don't pull that. There's a big fight and then the

squid just goes away so nobody has to worry about it. But this is what, like, it's amazing, because she's like, don't pull the lever, you're going to burn us all alive. And Peter Coyote is like, don't worry about her. She's fucking crazy. He says crazy. Yeah. This is what he calls her a nutbag, I believe. He's like, don't listen to her.

She's a nutbag. Pull the switch. But then so Peter Coyote is like, it's a real like, fuck it. I'll do it myself or something. And he starts running towards whatever and he gets fucking tripped up by this door and this thing closes on him and cuts him in half. The thing is, he knows these doors are closing in this

moment. And he puts like a box in between the door and the wall. He's like, that'll do it. It's like if you want to smoke a joint in your fucking apartment, but you didn't bring your keys and you put a little, fucking little cardboard there. Now, if you want the automatic shut doors,

that's going to cost you a little less. Do you know the dangers? It takes a little bit. You need to know what's happened. Well, no, all right. Yeah, we get you there's two kinds of automatic doors there's one that's like elevators where they touch where you touch them and they come back because they know something's blocking it. There's the

others that close like vices and cut people at half. Oh you want these with metal teeth on the hinges. Yeah, that's going to be extra. Yeah, we'll take the teeth ones. Yeah, but these motion sensor ones are much cheaper and safer. No, no, no, teeth. It's a scary government facility, teeth.

He gets cut in half. You see his legs kind of wobble. It's kind of fun. I could have used like like a blood wave of some kind because that is like you're bleeding a lot. Yeah. It'll be cool. It'd be like a little ominous like a little like a little washup of a beach of blood. This is my favorite part which is Leves Shriver's death is fantastic. Oh, it's very good.

There's a lot of. It's a lot of fire. There's a lot of fire happening. Yeah. We're all spraying it with the fire extinguishers, et cetera. He gets hit again in the head by some by a rafter or something falls. Yep. And it traps him on.

a metal grate. He gets dinged, falls down, and then it falls on top of him. Yes. Double douche right here. Then he's talking to, he's like dust it off and get out, get out. And this fucking flake, he gets flame broiled like a fucking hamburger. Dude, this is a Burger King commercial if I ever saw what I couldn't even believe it. And I was like, oh my God, that's awesome. That's way better than just get in the head. Leave Shriver is a hunk of meat. Dude, this is a crispy credit situation. Snack attack. You can now get your left striber with an impossible pad.

I'll have Ray Donovan to go, please. Well done. Medium rare Ray Donovan. What's awesome, too, is the whole time he's begging Dustin Hoffman for help. Yeah. And Dustin Hoffman is just sitting there. And later he's like, uh, yeah,

he needed help and I just, I froze. I just froze and I watched him die. And I'm like, yeah, that's great. Solid act of cowardice. Why are you telling the sphere this? Because he does. He's like, yeah, I'm sorry, sphere. It's, yeah, you know, I knew him since he was 18,

and then I just watched him get cooked up like a kibasa at a family barbecue. Because he says, like, no, I can, no, the unit's been destroyed. Like, he's like, can you repair the unit? Yeah. Oh, right. He's referring to people as units, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The only thing I could do was actually move the coals around a little bit just to make sure that the flame was more even. They're going to eat more even cook. The thing, though, is, so he's like, it's not Jerry, it's Harry, which is Sam Jackson's name. Yes. The first thing is, it's happy, which would J-E-P-P-Y. I'm sorry, it's silly.

Yes, it's very dumb. But it's a plot hole. If he's... Ah, you could drive a truck through it. But if he's... So, we're supposed to believe he's talking, he's conversing with Sam Jackson's subconscious. Sure. Why is Sam Jackson subconscious, a man who's an

MIT-trained mathematician, talking like an alien. Why is he calling it a unit? I don't understand that. It calls it a unit. He also says stuff about like, oh, I've been so lonely down here for a hundred thousand years or however long. I've been down here. Right. It doesn't make sense. And also like, because

later you find out that Hoffman goes into the sphere and Sharon Stone, they don't get computer programs. They don't get computer programs and they don't act sort of evil like the way Sam Jackson sort of does. They don't get weird. Like he's all like, oh, I love eggs and that and the other thing. He's being creepy. He also sleeps

through the other fire attack. This one thing, where coyote and Shriver bite it. I mean, so I don't know if I was missing something or what, but like, I don't know why he acts differently. And the other two who definitely went to... Hey, Sam, it's a Q2. We need a reshoots. You got to go to sleep in that movie. I don't know what... I don't know what's going on in your other movie, Jack,

but you need to be asleep in it. No, I can tell you exactly why it happens. It's because Samuel and Jackson Harry called dibs. Oh, you're right. So he got the computer program. He got all the special nice stuff. Oh, man. First we'll do the sphere, man. You've got to be the first one through the sphere.

I think there's also an element of where they're like, okay, so we're just going to play up the hairy thing and everyone's going to be like, wait, what? When it turns out everyone went into the fucking sphere. Right. Literally, I also, it seems like the best movie you could have had was go in that sphere. Sorry, I love Shire, we should have gotten in the sphere.

You should have gone on that sphere. Do the full murder on the Orienne Express. Everybody did it. By the way, this is just a really dumb movie and you can fucking drive a truck through it. anyway are we done yet Sam Jackson we need you to come back to Seth there was a scene where Ordel didn't have his

ponytail on man we got to reshoot that I need you to do this monologue while I look at Bridget Fonda's feet man but there's this I mean but like to Derek's point we are done because literally this is when the movie sort of stops it totally stops and it just becomes totally murky

as to what happens who's actually doing stuff there's parts there's more sea snakes Sharon Stone doesn't trust Justin Hoffman she locks him in a medical bay she's like you have to they knock Sam Jackson out with some like she makes this drug cocktail

that makes those 20 yellows look like candy that's the other thing too is again she is a medical doctor she's a medical director but it's also because she knows what she also brought a pharmacy with her in quotation marks sure she's such a fucking nutbag

because she's a someone with any kind of mental health problem that means her a fucking loony tune In quotation marks. But no, she makes the thing from fucking those Nightmar and Elstreet movies. It's the dreamless sleep thing. Oh, you're totally right.

Oh, I'm not going to remember the name of the drug. But yes, she does make that because she's like, we put Sam Jackson out with this. They knock him out. But then so later, Dustin Hoffman in the funniest scene of the movie, is screaming that he's getting attacked

by these snakes. And this is just some outright screaming at these sea snakes in his pants. And Sharon Stone comes up. and grabs him and she's like oh there's such and such snakes

hypnysil by the oh hypnizil of course thank you you know she's like but they're the most poisonous snake on earth but they're nocturnal and only attack at night

and then so later this is where she's like oh you know Harry or what's his name Norman Norman come come meet me in the medical lab and she locks them in and she's like hey man

you definitely went in the fucking sphere because I put those snakes in those jars over there and then they vanish before my eyes. So you need to inject yourself with the shit that we gave Sam Jackson and knock yourself

out until we can get out of here. Listen, if I went inside this sphere, would I still look like a 1998 Dustin Hoffman? Do you think if I had powers to manifest things? God-like reality powers, I would be 5'3 He's got a point. And in reality, if Sharon Stone's

fears were really manifesting, you just have a bunch of Dustin Hoffman coming into this space station. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. They're all like running around. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. She just dies from shock. Fuck me. I lied about that report.

Fuck me. I guess he imagines. Now, all the little Dustin Hoffman imagine the place is flooding. Oh, no, yes. She floods it. She does. She floods it. She takes an axe to Dustin Hoffman and hacks him up. He's got to.

a stupid hat on. Oh, definitely. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. Buy my book. Yeah, so she's like, if you don't fucking inject yourself with this, I'm going to flood this shit. Yes. And he's like,

fuck me. So she starts flooding it and he like just lets it fill up. Yes. And then she's like, oh, don't you do it. Don't you escape through that roof. Don't you do it? Because you'll die in the water because it's so cold. And it's just a case of, no, I didn't. Well,

To be fair, earlier in the movie He had his potion. You had a red potion on. No, they do say, well, the water is so cold you'd freeze instantly, or you'd probably have about three minutes of time before you froze to death. Right. Big old J.O. motion.

Yeah, going to be using that later. Sharon Stone again has a... She gets a lot of the horrendous lines of the movie. She goes, your fears are going to kill us all. And then they're like, hey, I guess... They're kind of doing this thing. Again, it's like being at a bad party. They're like, I don't know.

Everybody's dead. You want to get out of here? This place is dead anyway. Literally, everyone we came with is now dead. You want to take off? Go to Denny's. Oh, that's the thing. They get a message from the, whatever.

The tropical storm is over. And the tropical storm is over so we could rise to the top. Right. But no, it's the race stanzing again because one of them remembers the bombs. Oh, right. And there's bombs all throughout the thing. That's Sharon Stone. Yeah, you see there's a quick shot of like hands planting a bomb.

Yes. And then it's like that goes away forever. And then Sharon Stone, I think this is how they confirm that she also went in the sphere because she says that she thought about the bombs and then they got activated or whatever. There's a whole drop thread that we're not talking about where she thinks that there's food on the spaceship. Which makes sense because there's fucking almonds in pretty good shape. It's not like there's a bunch of glipclops that were on that those were Americans. There might be some food.

If there was kids of Hormel chili, it's probably still edible. Oh, man. Hormel will last centuries. They probably have Billy Beer. And she goes on and then like she goes back. She's like, all the food is gone. And then Sam Jackson's like, what? All this food?

And then like she has a Sharon Stone freak out about it. Whatever. But yeah, this is the end of the movie. They find out that the United States government is back up top. All we need to do is get on the submarine and go back. Yeah. And this is when... While C-Lap 2021 explodes.

And they keep like, now this is when it gets really, quote-unquote, trippy. Oh, yeah, dude. My mind was blown right through the plot hole. And Norman realized they all went into sphere, so everybody's a suspect. Right. And they keep, like, going back into the spaceship because they're afraid of it, I guess. I mean, they keep thinking about it. Yeah, they're, like, being forced to imagine that they're actually in, like, the astronaut seats in the spaceship and they're not on the minisos.

Oh, right. Yeah, there's a moment of that again. I mean, but if this is the case, like, let's go full on crazy town, right? Let's get, like, let's get George W. Bush, like, an enormous George W. H.W. Bush, like, where's my report? Give me report. I would love to see that. You set him up in the first stack, you got to pay them off in the third. That's true.

Yeah. Yeah, so there's The thing that would make it More of a surprise is if they didn't keep cutting back to them In the submarine Well, that's the part that was confusing to me So like Are they making real things that are

They are because they kill Queen Latifah The jellyfish Right So then like then why in this section Are they like imagining I'll tell you why I'll tell you why Chris Cabin has hand raised first I can feel this one Steve

It's fucking stupid It's a stupid script that makes no god damn sense. You might even say Chris Cabin. You could drive a truck through it. Indeed. Indeed. It's raining sins on this movie. Yeah, so that's... It makes no fucking sense. They're not manifesting anything. They're not going anywhere.

They just think they are. Which is stupid, which is not what the rest of the movie is doing. Yeah. And then Justin Hoffman, because he's the white guy, gets to push the button. Right. Because it's a self-driving, whatever. They just have to have the confidence, Eric, to push the button. So they get to the top, and you'd think the movie would end. But it does. doesn't. There's like 19 more minutes. They have to go through a decompression chamber. We do see the sphere take off and leave the planet Earth.

And the one naval guy's like, what the fuck is that? The progression is they go into the whatever, the decompression room. Right. And they all are like, well, Sam Jackson, well, you know, with your theory that no one knows about this, we need to

figure, we A, failed this magical power, this Stephen King power that was given us. Totally. And B, we need to make it so that we don't remember anything. That way, the unknown entry event will still happen and blah, blah, blah. Oh, right, because they're like, you said we were going to die down there. We didn't die. How do we make sure that nobody knows about it?

Dude, and we just agreed to forget that we have this power. They count to three. And yes, this is what the fucking sphere is like, I'll see you guys later. My work here is done. After they do the reverse tinkerbell, they fucking, how do you forget something like Even if you say, I forgot that, you didn't forget it. It's there. I don't understand this. And this was the part, I remember even watching this in the 90s being like, this doesn't make any sense. We'll also be like, oh, wow, so I have God-like power to manifest. What if we all just really thought hard about ending global warming right now? And then forget. What if we did that?

No, because we're going to get in trouble by the Navy. But also, it's like 98 now. This sphere was in jail on this. ship in 2043. If this sphere goes back home to his home planet of spheres, he's going to have to avoid his other self. Oh, shit. Did you write that excuse? He's just going to melt. His fucking sphere mom might try to bang

him. We have to go back, sphere. Why? Do I become an asshole or something? No, it's about your kids. Your spherical kids. In which Biff's sphere went back. Where

we're going. We don't need squares. Creating an alternate spaceship in 2043. What is this a geometric almanac? Can't bring this? Ooh la la.

Two spheres with the same gun. Shot in the back over a matter of 80 spheres. Oh my God, this fucking movie. And they all say, one, two, three. And then the joke is, like,

they're all holding hands. And, like, Dustin Hoff is like, why don't you hold on my hand, Harry? And Sam Jackson's like, why are you holding my hand? I am sorry, but I have to talk about the one thing. So the whole movie is Dustin Hoff and calling fucking Sharon Stone, a maniac and all this stuff talking about her behind your back. All sorts of

horrible shit. And you also find out that he was a therapist that had sex with her and took advantage of a very vulnerable state. Pretty much caused her suicide attempt. et cetera, et cetera. At the end of the movie, they're in this secret impression chamber. He looks at her and he goes,

and this should be the redeeming moment. And the line is, I once, at one point I acted really inappropriately with you, and I'm sorry. But the way Hoffman says it, man, at one point, I acted really inappropriate with you.

And I'm sorry. Like the way he says, I'm so, oh, I'm the bad guy. I'm the therapist that caused you to commit a suicide death. I'm so sorry. If I'm remembering this right from

watching it last night though doesn't he also sort of end that with like are you happy now yeah he does it's like a really like had I known that was frowned upon it's just nuts dude like don't have that scene anyway if that's the case look I'm sorry you want to get down from your cross now

and she starts the whole conversation because they're in like a little room together or whatever and he goes she says I want to thank you for saving my life and then like kind of gives him a kiss and I was like This is a bad idea. Yeah, not good. Yeah, exactly.

And then, yeah, so the sphere is like, all right, fine. I was going to give you unlimited potential, but fuck you guys. And up into the sky and Earl on the fucking Navy Destroyer is like, what the fuck? It's like, he's doing like air traffic control shit or whatever. It's so funny. Do you call him an Earl? His name is Earl. Earl, the guy on the Smith.

Yeah, some dude named Earl. Okay, I thought you meant that was a rank, like Colonel, Earl. the Earl of Sandwich I mean that guy's A getting executed for sure Or maybe he's gonna be like a Bob Lazzar type You know what I mean he's the one that at Sautau Dude you'd be totally discredited multiple times

That still get a fucking Netflix documentary He's got a YouTube page Just talking about this fear That went up in the sky That Bob Lazzar documentary on Netflix It's fucking terrible It's horrific I've been meaning to watch

And it's not for once It's not Bob Lazzar's fault It's the film It's the filmmaker who inserts himself into the story and is like, I had to solve this mystery about Bob Lazar and figure out if he was talking about something that actually happened. And there's Mickey Rourke narration of like, what is a dream? What is a dream part of you or are you part of the dream? It's so bad.

Jeez, you could drive a truck through that. By the way, the way this ends with like black stoic credits, what it should end with is we're following the same. sphere back to its home. Totally. Let's watch it go through the cosmos. That would be great. I'd watch that.

A little sphere adventures. He pulls over. He's got to go to the bathroom. A little rest stop sphere. He waves out all the other spheres driving around in the galaxy. Alien versus predator versus sphere who wins.

Spheres, dude. Yeah. Yeah, because the sphere. All the xenomorph would be thinking he's surrounded by predators all the time and the predator would think he's being surrounded by xenomores. Oh, man.

That's the end of the this movie would anybody recommend it you know it's a hangover movie it's it's four hours long it's pretty quiet until hoffman's screaming i do think everyone's pretty good in this movie and the script is total dog shit yeah uh it's it's a light recommend hangover movie for me absolutely not there are better hangover movies out there many of them in the same vein as sure i would say leviathan much better that's a good movie um yeah i'm coming back to this i forgot how how much the chapter thing really does fuck up the rhythm

of the whole thing. Well, there are fades to black, like there's fucking commercial breaks. In the middle of huge conflicts, they fade to black. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? It's fading in and out because characters are going to sleep and waking up. Well, yeah, it's still a no, fuck this

movie. I'm going to agree with Chris there on fuck this movie because, man, this was snooze town. I was just watching this movie watching Samuel Jackson take a nap and I just envied him I also wanted them calamari eggs I'll tell you that way Definitely those did look pretty good

So yeah I'm gonna say no Yeah it's a lightish Recommend just because the first half of the movie I still think is interesting When it it stops being a sci-fi movie And starts being this fucking chamber thriller Starts being real Yes when it starts getting real you can forget it

And what's worse The spherical world The spherical world There it is There we go This script is so bad And one of the things that sucks is one of the co-writers is Paul Adonazio who wrote quiz show.

Oh, really? You know the co-writer is? Kurt Wimmer, right? Yeah. The fucking auteur behind ultraviolet previous episode and equilibrium. That's the future episode. That sounds like the quiz show guy

wrote the script and then Vimmer took the script and rewrote the whole fucking thing. Well, that's like multiplying 10 by zero. you get a zero at the end. I mean, my God, though, Kurt Wimmer's credits, man. The point break remake, the total recall remake, salt, law-abiding citizens,

street kings, ultraviolet, the recruit equilibrium, the Thomas Crown Affairs sphere. Look at all these cinema sins. Tomas Crown Affair is not bad. All the rest of it's fucking garbage. I'm going to nail his filmography to a church door.

That is Sphere from 1998 directed by Baltimore's Barry Levens. And if you want more We Hate Movies, check out our Patreon. Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. A lot of bonus shit going on over there. This month's, right? We're still in September. We got the Golden Eye.

Golden Eye for the We Love Movies because we've changed that main feed to, that main episode feed to a We Love Movies feed. Now, normally this is where I would say, Steve Sadek, what episode do we have in store for our adoring listeners next week? Unfortunately, when we recorded this episode, we screwed up the order of episodes that are coming out. So Steve Sadek was about to give you some classified information about the Halloween spooktacular. However, we have an episode coming out before that.

Continuing our whole 90s extravaganza, we are talking the lawnmower man. That is right. Jeff Fahey and a very sexy, very shirtless, Pierce Brosnan, talking about VR stuff and he becomes a god and all that. sort of nonsense. So be sure to tune in for that. That is next week. And then the week after that is indeed the Halloween spooktacular. So until next week where Jeff Fahey is wearing denim overalls. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sandack. Chris Cabin. Eric Sisker. Take it easy.