We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 445 - Friday the 13th (2009)

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

On this episode, the 2019 Halloween Spooktacular kicks into high gear with the possibly-not-as-bad-as-we-remembered-or-maybe-not 2009 slasher reboot, Friday the 13th! Why do these Platinum Dunes remakes have to try to be so EXTREEEEEEEEME?! Why is this cold open 25 minutes long? And why is that one dude whacking off right in the well-lit living room? PLUS: We agree with Jason—steal weed, get butchered! Friday the 13th stars Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Aaron Yoo, Jonathan Sadowski, Julianna Guill, Ben Feldman, Arlen Escarpeta, Ryan Hansen, Will Ford, and Derek Mears as Jason; directed by Marcus Nispel. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, the Halloween spooktacular kicks off with Chi-Chi-Chi-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H. It's Friday the 13th, 2009. I'm Andrew Jupin. Tunnel-dwelling Steve Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Slashka. And we hate movies. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's the title of one good school.

Gary. Sometimes dead is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wickham Ann. They're coming to get you, Barbara. I'm sick for fucks you've seen one too many movies.

Now, Sid! Don't you blame the movies! Movies don't create psychos! Movies make movies. psychos more creative What's a fucking motion in the bad? What an excellent day for an exorcism.

Hello everyone, welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Welcome to the 2019 Halloween spooktacular. Some may say, the best time of the year. That person's me. I am too. Hopefully, we were recording this in early September. Hopefully, by now I could wear a fucking

jacket in New York? Jesus Christ. Nope. I'm going to say no to that. That's early November you're going to be looking at right there. If you're a new listener, as always, we start the episode with a weather report. Do you remember

what David Lynch used to do weather reports on Twitter? I watched, I read them all the time. So hilarious. It's great. Yeah, exactly. I'm exactly like David Lynch. Both geniuses. Both genius. Total geniuses. Twisted artists. We're going to have him on our

new podcast, Weatherweebbs. I would love that. Speaking of genius, this is indeed Friday the 13th from 2009 directed by Marcus Nispell. And if you're like, hey, man, that name sounds kind of familiar. It's because you may have watched the fucking horrendous Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that he also directed. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, that movie's a fucking pile of donkey shit. I think he did commercials and stuff.

Yeah, a lot commercials. But he also besmirched Eric in a very personal way. Oh, really? He remade Conan the Barbarian. Was that him, too? That's him as well. I just love doing Zerick. the remakes, you know. It's a lot of fun to

just do things people already did. Was that the one with the rock? No, it's Jason Mamoa. Oh, right. Hey, Eric, I'm going to remake your wedding video with your wife sometime. Yeah, tricks on you, Marcus. I don't have a wedding video.

Oh, Eric, look at this. In your wedding video, you've been recast with Jason Mamoa. Yeah. Despel! Hey, better marriage. yeah this movie man um i was thinking of hercules with the right oh yeah this is a bad movie but it's a movie that shockingly at least to me and i think steve was not as bad as we

remembered it to be i was on that train too like yeah well we should really get into exactly what happened when we decided to go see this movie yes take us back 10 years 10 years 10 years and we decided, we went to say, it was at the Kipps Bay. Yes, it was at the Kips Bay. Ungraded theater in New York City, FAA. Not bad. It's great because it's so out of the way.

It's not near a fucking train at all. And it's usually you can get in, you know, and it's not too crowd. I only had one bad experience there. I saw. This one that we're about to talk about. Well, actually, okay, two bad experiences. When I saw Star Trek Beyond,

it was kind of, it was kind of an empty theater. It was a nice experience. But then some dude in front of me was picking his nose and it was like really like elastic rubbery snot. What? It's a wet stuff going on? What he's trying to feed it to you? Wet and long. God damn it.

No, he was rubbing it on all the seats. And I was like, what is this madman doing? Update, I'm never going back to the Kipps Bay. They do it everywhere though. Yeah, that guy's going everywhere. You've sat and booger. Do you with it now.

So let's go back to the traditional story of Friday the 13th. By the way, Before you tweet about it, yes, we've talked about this before, but we have to talk about it on the episode. Like, this is the episode. And also, it's called new listeners. We talked about this. Selfish fool. I'm sure we did, yeah.

We've told this story on the air, maybe on mailbags or something. I think on another Friday of 13th. But so this movie came out. Yes. February the 13th, which was a Friday, 2009. Take it from here, Chris. Getting ready for that Valentine's Day. Who's sexy.

right across the way from the Kips Bay Theater is a fireman bar or at least there used to be I don't remember I haven't been around there anymore It's called like hook and ladder Yes, that sounds right But it was the thing where I was like Oh, let's go because we were all working

We were firemen We were all working as firemen It's a Friday night You know, it's in February like Oh well we'll meet up after work for a quick drink And then we'll go to the movie right We'll go to the movie Quick drink

Quick drinks is what it turned into Drinking quickly I think this was like a 10 p.m. showing and we just got fucking hammered. We drank a bunch of tall boys. Andrew smuggled a few out of the... Yes, into the theater, right? Yes, because I was so drunk. I was like, I don't care if I get this woman fired.

And I went up to the bartender and I was like, hey, can I have four PBRs? And she was like, okay. And I was like, and can you do me this solid? Don't open any of them. And she was like, that's against the law. And I could get fired. And I just went, oh, come on. And she was like, okay.

And she just gave me these beers. I'll put him on my backpack. When you walk out of your apartment one day and get shot in the belly, it's going to be that one back. I got, I gave it all up for you. It took me 10 years. That ruined my life. But, I mean, it was one of those times when you get in for a good old fashioned drunk for a couple of hours. I haven't done this in very, very long time.

Yeah. When you're with the same bartender, it's kind of like going to summer camp together. Like, you have a shared experience. Absolutely. Very 13th of you. Exactly. So you got these beers and we went in. We were drunk and we none of us remembered it.

I don't remember a fucking part of this. I don't remember a minute of it. I remember the tunnels. That's all I fucking remember. I vividly remember from this experience is I started to get hung over while in the theater. Yep. And my head was pounding. Like every time Jason took a footstep, it was like,

ba-bang right in my brain. But did all of it? of you stay awake for the entire movie? I think probably. I know you fell asleep, right? Well, we all scattered because everybody had to like... It was packed. It was packed. We didn't show up on time. No, but some of us were

sitting together, and it was kind of like the front row. And because I had drank, I drank all of those beers before the previews were over with. So that's like four beers in like 25 minutes. Sure. Great life discussion. In addition to the other eight you had, probably. Yeah, yeah. No, but this was back in the day, dude, we were in our 20s. We were invincible.

And that was one of those things where, like, dinner was planned, thought about, and then removed from the equation. That's exactly why would we do that? We can't drink. What are you talking about? Well, if we go get dinner, that's less time to spend at the bar we want to go to. There might be popcorn. That's a sourpatch kits.

That's dinner. And I went to the bathroom. A sartage steak. Give me a giant one. This is a steak crusted in a lot of weird sugar. It's a green steak. rock and roll this is going to be at my new restaurant

this is a sour chemical chicken no so I had to fucking take a leak and I went and used the restroom and then I came back to the theater and I instantly realized I had no idea where we were sitting and so I looked around for a little bit I let my eyes adjust to the darkness again that didn't help I had no idea

so I looked in front of me and directly in front of me was an empty chair and this girl was watching the the film and I went up to her you know kind of quietly I didn't want to bother other people around me you know and I just went excuse me is this you Chayvian

and I scared the shit out of her and she's like what no and I was like oh okay you wearing a hockey mask at the time dude who's a 4D experience man I was part of the show and I was like oh okay thank you very much and I sat down and instantly passed out

sure and I woke up and the credits were on I don't think I was next to anybody, but I did at one point let out like a really disgusting loud burp. Oh, and not, and that wasn't the bad. The bad part was like right after it because I didn't know where I was. I get a big, oh, yeah.

Like you're in the shower. That is only acceptable in the shower. I mean, so that's just, let this be a lesson to you kids. Don't get fucking blasted and then go to the movies. You will bother people and fall asleep. For the next 10 years, we've been, like, shitting on this movie. Yes. Nonstop.

And we don't remember anything about it. True. But I think it's partially valid. Sure. I mean, I did like it more this go than that initial round. Yeah. But I still think it's near the very bottom of this franchise. We did a whole ranking episode.

Oh, right. I believe Eric, because Chris was in Germany at the time. But he was with Nespels. Hey, Chris, I'm. going to remake your night out with your French without you. Hey Chris, your new night out with French stars, Jason Mamoa!

Oh yes, I'm going to remake your life. Now you live in the Germany. Better night out. But we ranked this at the bottom without, none of us had rewatched it. We were like, oh, I didn't have time to rewatch it. That's the worst one. But I probably would have changed a little bit. Yeah, it would change the map.

Very slight. We did rank. Did we rank this at the bottom? I feel like we did. I think all of us did. Yeah. I think my new evaluation, I'd put goes to hell at the bottom and then this may be right before it. Yeah, probably around that. Jason X is still at the bottom. Yeah, no, you're right.

Jason X is bad, but it's fun in what it's trying to do. Right. Sure. Yeah, it's trying to be a Jason fan film. It succeeds at that, you know. I will say, though, what I didn't really put together until this watch through, which may have been the first sober watch through. Sure.

This was 9 a.m. with a cup of coffee. Oh, nice. I had no real, I didn't notice, I guess. Maybe some of them I noticed, but like this movie is basically a mashup of the plots of the first four films. Yeah. And I think that's something it does really well

because those first four movies, I'll be honest, there's not a lot of movie there. No, there's not that much movie. There's not a lot of movie here. But the idea is that you just, fucking funnel it all into one piece of hunk of shit. But, Kevin, four containers filled with nothing melded

together is still just one container filled with nothing. Yeah, but I get all the story in one shot, I'm happier. I like one, two, three, four. Yes, absolutely. I mean, I think I like two and three and four. Fuck, I like them all. Yeah, I know. But the first movie is maybe the most forgettable

for me because it's not Jason as the killer, which I like. The first one's really got a lot of good cool atmosphere, which you almost get in this movie, but then you don't because these fucking red cameras, just rob everything about his soul or texture. Exactly. And then you're finished with the plot of

movie number one before the end credits finish. Before the opening credits. Right. I would hope it's finished by the time the end credits finish. But no, you're right. Yeah, before the fucking, like the cold open is the last scene of the first movie.

Well, the weird thing is the beginning of this film doesn't take place in Crystal Lake. It takes place in Sin City, which is odd. I don't know what we're doing with that black and white. What are we trying to accomplish Nispell? Miss Forhees was throwing out axes like they were candy. Wow, you remembered anything from Sin City? Yes, I did.

Did you see that little yellow guy's ball sack in that movie, or was that just the comic? He gets a cut off, doesn't he? Yeah, he gets it ripped out, and you hear it. It's like a balloon getting ripped off. And you see it in Willis's hand, I do believe. That was Nick Stahl. Yes. Yes, famous lost Hollywood actor.

Yeah, dude, that's where he went to He got sucked into Sin City That's a movie But it gets its claws into you Anyone notice that I'm almost I'm only looking at Andrew Who plays Mrs. Forhey's in this movie? I didn't look up who it was

Not a visitor Actually No fucking way Are you kidding me? That's why she was only in that one scene She was just visiting Oh wow, dailed it You're welcome

Oh man I watched that whole Remember to give us five stars On iTunes by the way I watched that whole DS9 documentary, it takes itself a lot too serious. Dude, I've seen people being like, I was crying

at that documentary. Yeah, you could, you could keep it. Then you cry too much. I'm sorry, I'm going to say that right now. But yes, it's like the end of the first movie. It's literally, it's, we'll call her the final girl. Right. Alice, I think the character's name was at the time, I don't know, they, they name her in this movie.

And basically, it's kind of amazing. None of visitors doing her best. In this, like, it's just, she's like, you, it's like, basically like, all right, you have to dispel the entire movie in one line. Right. Go. She's like, you, you were responsible for my son's death, and I've systematically killed all of your friends, and now I'm going to kill you.

Yeah, that's right. I got your one friend. I got Kevin Bacon. I got your other friend. The one thing that's different, though, is that at the end, so she gets decapitated all the same. What's that? God bless.

Oh, oh. Did someone sneeze? And then she said, you bejured scum. She cut her head off. Really racist, by the way. Super racist. No, but then you see little Jason come out of the forest. And so this telling of the story is it confirms straight up.

Like, he never died. He was just, I guess he became like a little like rat child in the woods. I kind of forgot, though, in the first, in the first movie, is it, it's like a thing wherein Jason dies. And then 10 or so years later. Mrs. Voorhees goes nuts, right? It's not those exact counselors she's punishing. It's just whoever happens to be at the camp at the time. It's whoever happens to be there.

And I think it's several years. Yes, however many years. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's on a Friday. I don't think we get a diagnosis at any point. I'll be honest with you. But this one's very clear. It's like you people, you exact.

Now, I haven't got a rewatch in a while. Jason was, he always, he always lived, right? Because in the second movie, he's just like a dude with a bag over his head. Well, it's weird because at the end of that first movie, like the jump is like, it's a, it's a, I always thought it was supposed to be like a deformed zombie person. Like, way more supernatural. Yeah.

This is just, it's like a little blonde kid runs up and he's like, oh, my mother was decapitated and takes the machete and walks off into the woods. And because this, if you read the IMDB trivia about this and like what the creators of this wanted to turn it towards is like he's not. A paranormal monster. He's like a weird survivalist just living in the woods. Living off the grid with electricity, which I guess he's got, he's like, I'm Jason, I'm rigging up some solar panels.

Look at these garden vegetables I grew here off the grid. I'm saving so much money with solar panels. Where did he get this knowledgeable, this tunnel system? Here's the thing. Again. Vietnam. Definitely Vietnam. Well, actually, Master Wayne.

Jason Vohy's parents were involved in the underground railroads they were. Which was a literal underground railroad. Choo-choo! No, this was crazy. Again, sober viewing. This was the first time I noticed this. It's literally one fucking line

that's in this next part of this like long ass cold open. This is not cold anymore. This is like medium rare open. This open got left out on the table overnight. The center is still frozen, but it's hot outside. Damn, it's raw. It's bloody raw. Damn, this opening's roll. This is not for season 10. This cold open is a season two cold open. Is he still talking that way on those shows? Oh, he is. Oh, that's great.

No, it's a thing where, so after all this happens, we're introduced to like another group of kids that are going, they're walking through the woods looking for a campsite or whatever. And one of the dudes makes mention of there were mines. So that's what those. I always thought the same thing and I think I've said it incorrectly on the air before that like, how did he dig those tunnels? There's one dude

who it's blink and you miss it says oh yeah and there's supposed to be that mine around here blah blah blah so he's hanging out like old mine shams. Oh man so maybe Vorhees is the other and there's like a successful Jason it's like us Jason Forhey up up front like nice

suit and tie Jason Yeah, here's my business card. If you look at that Cyrillian white we got there. We are Americans. Oh, he'd definitely be part of the alt-right, dude. Yeah, I don't think you got something there. Like, Jason became untethered, yeah.

Yeah, if it wasn't for the deformity, he would have, you know, gone on to great things. I mean, yeah, to Eric's point, like he, I do, it was mines, but he's using them. He's got electricity running through there. I'm pretty sure there's a plumbing situation. He has... I'm not an animal.

Well, there's a toilet in that house? I don't know if it's a flushable toilet. It might be like, all right, it's filled. Go get the ladle. I might be untethered, but I did go to community college, and I learned a little bit about structure. I was able to build a home for myself here with some torture cages, as you see right here.

So we're told Crystal Lake present day, these campers are coming in. And these two dudes, one of which was one of the artists on Mad Men. He played Ginsberg. He's now on that show, Superstore, which people watch. There are people who tune in for Superstore. Most of them are on airplanes. I'll be honest with you.

I think the audience are people watching reruns of it on airplanes. Well, we do quite well with the 30,000 feet demographic. Look, we've got to put content somewhere. I'm sticking up in the sky So this group is coming through Yeah it's Ginzburg from bad men A bunch of fucking horny ass women And dudes walking through here

And the one guy like the nerdlinger of the group Has masterminded this thing with Ginsburg Where they are walking into the woods To a very specific location And that location is a fucking Cannabis farm Yes And they're gonna fucking steal

This fucking farmer's wheel Yeah, we're missing out on the better movie Weed Heist. Yes, this is Jason's fucking weed, by the way. Very clearly. This is a... No, it's not. Well, it's just a little something to... I come home, I kill a bunch of kids, I want to unwind, watch a cool movie. And why does he kill those kids? Because he's got Reef for Madness. Oh, I made a salad with all these plants I found in the forest.

What? I'm playing the piano really fast. That is my favorite shot in Reefer Madness. is that fucking maniac just fucking tickling the ivories and laughing the whole way. No, it's that fucking hillbillies weed though. Oh, that dude. No, he says he found it too. No, mannequin fucker says that he was growing up.

Manikin fucker is working for somebody out, like he mentions a name. Oh, there's like a farmer John or something? Yeah, it's not to get, it's to supernatural boy. Oh, I forget his fucking. Jared Padalecky. Yeah, that guy. Right, right. He gets the name.

And I forget what he knows. His name is Clay. that's right Clay Higgins Clay Miller after Victor Miller obviously oh obviously oh no the Victor

no I know but it's just yeah who noticed that am I wrong is the the other dude here the one who's really excited about the weed is he not the lead hacker

under Timothy Oliphant and Die Hard 4 yes he 100% I thought so that's so funny you said that because when I looked him up yesterday I was like oh it says he's in

die hard, uh, live for your die hard, but I don't fucking remember who. That's exactly who he is. Yeah, that's right. He's the, he's the hacker who hesitates. My question is, are we still in New Jersey or are we not in New Jersey? We 100% are, including this time, legit Jersey license plates. Oh shit. This is Chris Christie's New Jersey then. This is like, he's going to closing the bridges on fucking Jason. He can't get out of it. Which that fucking fat prick vacationed at Crystal. I don't mean if we're in New Jersey. I went to particip in the community college and I love Yeah, the Rutgers fucking snobs up there, man. You know, not everybody gets into Rutgers.

I'm just saying. I think this was filmed in Texas, though. It was. Texas doubling for New Jersey. Okay. Hey, Fat Body, I'm stronger than the storm. Also, so there's a couple things that happened in this, like, opening sequence that made me side with Jason more than ever before. One, stealing someone's hardgrown marijuana.

That's fucking ridiculous. You should die. That's my retirement plan, you asshole. No, I was going to buy a boat. The buyers are coming tomorrow. And the other thing is, there's this fucking son of a bitch. And I get it. It's a blue velvet reference.

Oh, my God. Yes. But they get around the campfire. And this other motherfucker, this dude, he looks like he's in a fucking aeropostal catalog. This guy. He's like, hey, man, pass me a beer. You got any Heinikins? And Ginsburg's like, no, man, I got Papp's motherfucking blue ribbon or whatever.

And he's like, oh, that fucking piss water. He says, fuck that European shit. Yes, well, right. Blue Ribbon totally doing a deep. Dennis Hopper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what? And that's why we mentioned Lynch at the top of the show.

Look how intricate this weave is weird. You're right. It's very intricate. Weaving. But yeah, it's like, really? You're turning your nose up at PBR, but you're fucking whole hog for Heinick. I was kind of waiting for everybody else. Like, oh, you got that shit.

I got Amstella light. Oh, you got that shit. I got cores. Hey, man, bud, heavy. Just as much fucking product placement as you can get in here, please. I don't get the Heineken love necessarily. It's fine. You don't like beer that tastes like a skunks asshole?

It's the Heineken lobby. They are, you know, they are pushing all this money behind everything. Yeah, but if I want to fucking, you know, with fucking. and Pepe Lapeu's taint. There's other ways to do it. The only time I'm drinking Heineken these days is when I'm at a wedding and I've

had too much whiskey and it's time to switch to beer. And it's always like, well, we got Bud Light of Heineken and it's like, I'll take the Heinrichin. That's interesting that you're not for the water but for the... Oh, no, no. Well, I got to keep drinking. Yeah, I think you keep the buns going. I'm at a wedding, Chris. I'm not having a good time.

At the end of the day, Heineken is still technically beer. It's fine it in jest. It's It's a perfectly sane. James Bond drinks at all the fucking time, apparently. That was also disgusting. Another disgusting Heineken-related development. The fucking Heineken lobby is worse than the NRA, man. They got in those Bond movies. Heineken, shaking until it explodes. So, like, yeah, they're all kind of like, and again, this is still a cold open.

Yes, the cold open for this film lasts around 25 minutes. I was watching with my wife, and I was like, I think that this is like the pre-kids. She's like, no, this has been going on for a long time. I was like, no, no, I think that there's another group coming after them. And it's weird because some of these Friday the 13th movies do have called opens, but they're not

this fucking long. It's a little late in the episode to ask, but which cut did everybody watch? There's two on Amazon. I have the like Crystal Lake box set thing, so I just had it on Blu-ray. I'm pretty sure it's just the theatrical cut that I watched. I saw extended. I saw the

extended as well. Mine's like 103 minutes. I have the exact same box is Andrew, but I totally forgot I had it. They were like, I forgot that was included. I was just like, I'm on him. It looks like I'm renting a movie I own. Oh, really? I've done that before. I'm pretty sure I did theatrical

though. I think it just said Friday the 13th, 2009. I don't think there was anything else on there. So I was just like, let's go. Yeah, and I definitely the thing that I watched was 97 minutes. Because the extreme cut does have a lot more gore. I think it's got a lot more gourd. It's got a lot more nudity. A nudity is insane.

There's so much nudity. They're porn scenes in this. What I watched had tons of nudities. So did I actually. So I don't know. We'll kind of get into it, I guess. Yeah. But so they, um, so basically, and also here's the thing, it's two couples.

It's, uh, Ginsburg and his girlfriend and, and this third and then, uh, Johnny Heineken. Johnny Hineken and Whitney, who will learn is, uh, Jared Padalecky's sister will find out. And the fifth wheel, dude. And like the girl, uh, Whitney and her boyfriend are like, hey, we're going to go walk around. and see what's going on basically like I don't know we want to fuck because we're camping gone fucking I don't want to be right next you all I'm fucking and the dude's like

the fifth wheel guy's like hey bring a condom I'm not having sex for a long time thanks for the advice nerdlinger I mean I'm going to go back to my lieutenant I'm going to jerk off into a condom we could all be using condoms tonight well it's

it's so weird though because later in this cold open that's about the length of a Simpsons episode I think longer, actually. It's a tree house a horror. The Ginsberg is having sex with his lady friend in the tent. And she's like, I heard a noise. I think that dude is watching us fuck.

And the guy, Ginsburg, he's like, let him watch, baby, let him. Hey, you go right out there, pervert. We get shots of outside of the tent of them fucking inside the tent with the light on. And it's like the shadow fucking. And it's like right out of Austin Powers. This is just so stupid. Wow. Dude, these people are having hotel sex in a tent.

Those are two different kinds of sex. That's absolutely right. Like, tent sex? Well, tent, here's the thing. Tent sex on a group outing. Yes. Versus ten sex alone in the woods and whatever fucking Ted Kaczynski hears you out there, whatever. And then do you have sex?

The quiet and the whatever, yeah. Right, but this is, she's fucking screaming. He's fucking screaming. They're doing different positions. You got one position in a tent. That's it. It's the tent position. Jam it in and get it done.

Steve ever fucking opens a camping site. It just has sex rules out front. Recycling, sex rules. Now, if you buy a cabin, you can attempt cabin sex, which again is different than hotel sections. He just wants to be very clear about that. Steve just puts a knife through a North Face 10. It's like,

is that a second position? Is that a second position? You finished with the one you started with. This is tent sex. You're not coming tonight. You're not going to do it. And I really hate this secret. Well, I really hate this movie because it has like perfume models playing all these roles instead of like the grody 80s teens.

That's you just miss regular people. Yes. And I mean, that's the problem with this whole idea of bringing any of this stuff. This is less horrific than that Nightmare and Elm Street remake, which we did a commentary on Patreon. But it's available right now, by the way. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Because that, like, misreads a lot of what that movie's supposed to be. This doesn't, but it's just still like soulless.

And like, it's, you can't do a Led Zeppelin album now. Like, you know what I mean? Led Zeppelin had to be in the 70s. I feel like it kind of does misread what this movie is supposed to be because you got Jason Vorhees walking around setting a bear trap. Yeah, you're right. The whole bent of making him like a weird survivalist guy but he's still like a total mute and deformed and went like out it just it kind of doesn't work.

Listen, I understand libertarians are deformed and weird, but that's how you defeat Jason, dude. You mail him a box of dildos. Only Rand Paul can stop him now. No, like I think that's who knocked Rand Paul off that lawn door. My God is his neighbor. Get off my property. Well, that's why he got like so fucked up by that guy punching him because he was fucking Jason for it. He's like he had to have surgery.

after that. Almost died. I think this, as compared to the nightmare remake, this at least gives you what you are expecting from a Jace movie. It delivers that in a soaking wet box that's falling apart, no tape on it. Yeah, that bottom's going to fall out. It's disgusting. But it gives you the semblance of what you were looking for.

I do, and like, if it was going to be a survivalist thing, you have to, like, put more into that. Not just like, oh, I have a tunnel now. Or just make another horror movie. Yeah, call it, sure. Tunnel man. Exactly. Oh, shit.

Look out for the tunnel man, dude. This day he'll dig a tunnel for you. Tunnel to hell. Look out for the tunnel man. The tunnel man. In theaters now. Tunnel man. It's a shot of a shovel, dude.

It'd be cool. Like, he'd killing people with a shovel? Yeah, well, that's not too bad. Yeah. It could be like my bloody Valentine, but good. Ooh. The shoveler. This October, we hope you dig it.

I love it. Right? A tunnelman, dude. Contact us for the rights to tunnel me. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Well, I wanted to make a movie by a tunnelman. I got to pay these guys a million dollars. Maybe you'll just make something else. I'll make a hole. I'll make ditch digger instead.

Well, now we own that too. The nerd guy is walking around with this GPS because he's got he's he knows where the fucking weed is somehow through the GPS and he like he gets a beacon by the way this movie is lit horribly because yeah this kid is walking around it's the woods he's got a glow stick and can see everything like that's not how the woods works you need a fucking flashlight he's yeah he's got one of those like you crack it yeah and you're just like holding it up no way this isn't a high powered flashlight that was the thing with all these movies in the late aughts like horror movie specifically like the moon was

about a mile away. Just like right there and lighting everything. And of course. Majora's mask over here, ladies and gentlemen, the moon's getting a little close. A bit of a third day situation. Wow. It's like nerdy

Dennis Miller that also sounded like Christian Slater. No problem. It's like melancholia, but like oh stop. Stop it. Okay, good. Okay, stop right there. That's good. Got it. That's big enough. Also, this nerd, of course,

listening to Night Ranger's sister Christian. You can't use that song again. Not after Boogie Nights. It's over. It's retired. Really? Sometimes songs get retired from movies. I think my problem with its usage here is like motherfucker set this in the 80s. If you want to use that music, you're totally right. Because the rest of the soundtrack is just current time garbage.

And so he finds the, he's peeing on the weed. He's, oh my God, it's the weed. And Jason gets him. How does he get him here? He just, he like runs at him and you don't really see what happened. Right. This is like ear death. Like he gets his ear chopped off. That's the big thing. Yeah, Ginsburg finds him later. He finds like the ear first and like the like the little like iPod thing. Yeah, the little bud is still like in the ear. And then he's he's like up against a tree. And he's just kind of dead. So you don't really know what exactly happened. But like the thing, the difference in Jason right off the bat is he's like he's fast moving. He's way more like aggressive and vicious kind of a thing. He's in fantastic shape too by the way. Well, because he's out there fucking bench pressing bears or whatever these hill people do.

He built all those tunnels by himself. Yeah. That's a fucking workout if I ever heard one. He's not building those tunnels. Dude, we established this. This fucking, the fifth wheel is the one that says it. It was a mine. But he's got to make all the little, yeah, like the little rooms and everything he's got.

He's renovated the mine. Yeah. Maybe he flipped the mine. Sure. Those are hardwood floors in there. Later on in the film, we see him thrown canoes around. Yeah, that's part of his fucking crossfit. do you see jason in the in the woods he's just flipping a huge tire yeah exactly um yeah so yeah

ginsberg uh runs out because he uh he thinks to hear somebody it's obviously jason he does find his buddy out with the ear uh and then he starts running back and then he comes back to by the way the first act of the end of mandy by the yes you're totally spoiler for the nicholas cage movie mandy coming up by the way on shutter oh yeah that's a great it's a great it's a great red is. Definitely don't rewatch this month of that. But we're also missing that while this is happening

sister of supernatural boy and her boyfriend who looks like if you smushed all the members of the strokes together into one person that's what this guy looks like and they go into the famous the house. It's the

Vorhees' Starris. They run a hillbilly cabin because like hey let's I mean like I feel like she's just like hey let's find a place to fuck He's like, yeah, but it's got to be creepy. And it's like, well, no, it's just, well, I can't fucking shoot unless I'm terrified. It's just run down house in the middle of the woods. You know, part of the camp, but he's like, I bet there's some cool shit in here. No, there isn't.

First of all, all that got stolen years ago. There is one really nifty thing. Jason Voorhees collects whistles. Oh, yeah. Dude, like he's in fucking Vietnam. He's collecting these counselor whistles. 25 whistles and they're all pristine on this fucking. Rusty Hook.

I have to say, it's a pretty cool detail. He's caping trophies, not too shabby. And so this is all kind of happening at once. And so Ginsburg goes back. His girlfriend is stuffed in a sleeping bag over a campfire. Yeah. This happens really quickly. We do get, which I don't think is necessary, inside the sleeping bag cam.

Here's my philosophy on sleeping bag cam. If you can do it, let's get it done. What do you mean? Do it. If you can figure out that shot, I'll watch that. Also, it's not like you're watching like a fucking turkey in the oven on a fucking, you know, time-lapse camera. It's just like two or three shots. That's also a little weird that, like, she, so it's like toasting her at the bottom.

Yes. Like you never see it, the flames don't overtake the sleeping bag. She's just kind of getting roasted a little bit and then she just falls out. I'm pretty sure sleeping bags are like highly flammable. Yeah. Also, it wouldn't take this long. She fucking watch Mandy, of course it. And she falls out and she's like

boiling and dead. And it's just like, really? She looks like a steamed ham. And like she falls like into the fire, off the fire. She's not in the fire. I'm sorry. Put that crispy critter in the fire. Totally. Get a good cook on it. Maybe Jason takes a bite.

You got to finish season 10 cooking. You got to finish it in the oven. You know, you right. Right. Yep. Yeah. Damn. Jason's running out of time. You should finish it in the oven, Jason. Is this skin crispy? It doesn't look crispy to me

Oh damn her hair still on I'm not gonna eat something with the hair still on Jason Jason what kind of cannibal are you You should have shaved her like a pig Oh you left the teeth in damn I'm worried about Jason guys He's running back to the pantry

Jason I'm sorry but the ingredients in your mystery camper and sleeping bag not camper sleeping bag and jeans jason come on jason come on i just thought that you know the denim might accentuate the oh you're right the denim is it is really just it's it's it's overtaking the bag flavor i was hoping it's a saffron really uh so like ginsberg fucking gets a machete right through the old head he's a nice little gore effect because we mentioned he's in a bear trap at this point oh right no actually ginsberg gets hit with a bear trap then jason goes to the other side of town and gets kills the

we're doing like the floor is lava kind of thing so we're walking around this house and jason like is under the floorboards like ripping up oh right because these dumb motherfuckers are still in the house i forgot and he's stabbing a knife through the floor board and he goes he get off the floor the floor is lava out out out out out out out out out he grabs that dude and brings him under yeah which is kind of fun that it's not bad and then Whitney comes back finds Ginberg still alive, tries to get him out of the bear trap. Oh, yeah, you're right. And then he gets the fucking thing right to the head. Right, right, right, right, right. And we're doing a little bit of, we're doing Gorg, we're also doing CGI Gore. This is CGI Gore for sure. There's not a ton of CGI, though, but yes, this is one of those moments. Also,

I will say this is where like, pretty much like part two's kind of melding in here. Yes, because he's got a bag over the head. And we do get Mrs. Warhe's head in like a shrine in the wall. Yeah, this is fucking hilarious. It's like a hole in the wall. And this. fucking, you know, United States of Benetton ad or whatever. United Colors of Benetton. It's like, oh, I see some hair fault. What's his hair?

Hey, babe. I'm going to pull his hair out of this wallhole and it's the head and then he's like, ah, and drops it in the fucking bath. It's just like this disgusting like gray water. This room is full of candles because it's like a shrine to his mother's season.

It's also where I like to relax. Smoke a little in the bathtub. That ain't bad. Oh, yeah. I got some shod. But I just, I'm sorry, I cannot, I cannot abide the idea of Jason Vore he's lighting a candle. Yeah, that's a really good point. Oh, the wind's picking up, oh, running out of matches. Also, if you're in a flop house and you see a hole in the wall and there's hair in there, just a lump of hair, you're going to reach it and grab it?

You're lucky if it's a human head. That could be a possum biting you. Exactly. I mean, best case in a year, it's just a clump of hair covered in the jizz. The famous long-haired possums You never know I call the big one bitey So he's about to get Whitney And then we get Friday the 13th

And I'm like dude what? It's been fucking an hour But it's a weird Yeah It's like he grabs her Yes And we should say You don't see what happens

They find a locket When they're roaming around this house Sure And in the locket It's a picture of Jason's mother And she's like And the boyfriend's like This looks like you

You should keep it This looks like you you. You should keep it. Remember this. Remember, it's going to come back even after I'm dead. Remember, you look like this person in the locket. It's important to the pot. So the plot of this movie is Jason sees a woman that looks like his mother looked like. Yeah. So he kidnaps her and stashes her in a tunnel. Yep. To what ends? I don't know that Jason has an endgame for anything that he does. He shouldn't, but kidnapping people, I just. That's another thing. I mean, also, is he, we see her later.

Is he feeding her? Like he has to. It's been six weeks we're told. Six months? Yeah. Okay. It's six months. That's crazy.

Even more of a need for a meal. She's eating a lot of denim. Do you think he, and so, okay, Nisbell, you fucked up. Because here's a great opportunity to be like, how did this woman survive for six months? Because he fucking made her eat her friends. Oh, that's coming. He's just like cooking up some fucking, you know. weed guy

I don't know any of these people Ginzburg a little Ginsberg saute I'm sorry you might find some skull pieces

in this but I tried as best for that good I was never good at cracking eggs oh damn speaking of madman I'm pretty sure

Don Draper was involved in the rebrand of Crystal Lake to forest green yes dude he was definitely a part of that he's like

going into all those like hippie people that owned the campsite before it's like you know you can could really do with renaming your hometown. Just picture

this. You're on a lake. It's quiet. You're alone with your thoughts. But are you alone? You'll never know for sure. That bird's watching you, but that's okay. He doesn't have much to say. You look up at the sign. Where are you? That's right. You're relaxing in your home.

Forest Green. And then everyone gives a wild round of applause and gives Don Draper a million dollars. That's right. I also rebranded. Haddonfield and Springfield. Where is Freddy from? Spring Wood? Springwood, Illinois. Yeah. And Ogdenville.

Oh, and dude, he rebranded North Haverbrook? He fucking put them on the map. Don't worry about it. I also handled the rebranding for Ruby Ridge. We call it Red Ridge now. Wow, brilliant. Here's a million dollars. Thank you for bringing up Ruby Ridge because that reminds me of

this when the very... First of all, by the way, only on We Hate Movies, will you hear the phrase, thank you for bringing up Ruby Ridge. Hey, I brought it up like last week or so. Also, I'm sure Vorhees has a lot of thoughts on it as a survivalist. I think we brought it up once like a thousand years ago and I remember someone being

upset about it. What, Ruby Ridge? It's an historical event. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, because some people think they're freedom fighters that died there. Anyway, sure. Sure. You know what? Freedom fighters and not domestic terrorists? Got it. Folks, everyone's guilty. Especially the

ATF. Sure, definitely. But The opening logos of the movie I wanted to mention and I forgot Oh yeah Red like Platinum Dunes But it's red This is a rare Paramount doing that They almost never do that

It's Paramount and New Line And Platinum Dunes all In a three way fucking title dance man It's all three of them And then it's like we get the courier new opening It's like Paramount but blah And then it says in association with Michael Bay Wow

Which An association which doesn't make sense because he's doubling up yeah it's double-dippin he's double-dippin yeah and it was a weird thing where like when the first movie came out it was a paramount movie and then after part eight paramount lost the rights and so new line lost interest let's all call it sure so they sold the rights to new line which is warner brothers

and that they couldn't use like the the title right that's why it was jason yeah yeah and that's why it's jason x and then freddie versus jason all of Those are Warner Brothers movies. That's interesting. Yeah. So this was like the, they like came back for this. And one of them, I don't remember which was which, but one of them handled U.S. distribution and the other one handled overseas. Did I know, so speaking of Michael Bay, so we meet the next crop.

You know, it's like now six months later, however long it is, we're seeing a new crop of fresh face dead meats. It's a new gang of teens that are somehow dumber than that last group. They are actually less interesting than the first. group for sure. Like at least that first group like they're more racially diverse which I appreciate but that's about it. That's about it but there's like there's nothing. It's just the standard old like we're going up to fucking Rocco's house or whatever with this fucking dude. And you know I usually like have been defending 30 year olds playing teenagers in movies. Yeah. Like these this is too I don't know it just felt like too much. I know they're they're actually

college students. I think they're they're college students. But it's still. Did anyone know anyone read the trivia about so the lead, not the lead kid, but the kid whose house they're going and the kind of driving this big home thing. Travis Van Winkle is the actor, I believe, playing Trent. Right, who drives an escalade. I'm glad that there's an escalade

in Friday the 13th. But his name is Trent. This actor was also in the Transformers number one playing a character named Trent. Oh my God. And there are theories. And

Combined universe. That's a shared universe. No way. That's the same trend. The Platinum Dune's universe? It's Michael Bay, Michael Bay, Michael Bay. Sam Witwiki, Jason Voorhees has hotwired me because he's a survivalist. I mean, actually, if you lived in a Transformers world, like, you know, you've lived through all the battle in New York or whatever the fuck goes on in those movies, if a big fucker, like a 10-foot-tall dude of the machete came out, you're like, well, that's pretty normal.

I wouldn't be, I wouldn't, what would shock you of cars? Yes, exactly. It's quaint. At least it's not a Decepticon. Totally. It's like, oh, Jason Voorhees, well, remember like two years ago when all religion vanished off the face of the earth because there's space robots that look like cars? Oh, wait. Oh, is that Jason Voorhees? Yeah. Okay, because a fucking jet, a fucking fighter jet flew down, turned into like a guy and murdered my dad. So I don't really care.

Yeah, you've got to, oh, my God. he was killed by oh my god 10 kids were killed by the machete Oh yeah A fucking school bus Turned into a person And destroyed his school

So And all the kids were still Inside him When that happened Oh god This is actually kind of grim To bring up But like

Oh please do Please Nowadays with all the mass shootings And everything Jason is kind of quaint Like oh he's got a knife Oh yeah Whoopi whoa

Oh he killed 12 kids Wow that's pretty terrible You know what Jason Voorhe never did, got radicalized on 8chan. Oh, really? Ten campers, huh? That's not even going to fucking hashtag,

man. We're over it. We are over it. It's not like pray for fucking Crystal Lake. That's not going to happen. No, absolutely not. You're going to ban knives now. Good point, Eric. Because you're fucking stupid. Anyone who says that. You're right. You're absolutely right. No, so it's these kids

they're coming up and your classic stop at a gas station. the gas station, which brings me to a thing that annoyed me greatly. Arguing over who's going to pump the gas. You know what takes two seconds? Pumping gas. Yes. What is this? Not to be a jerk, but

if this was New Jersey, they wouldn't be pumping any gas. You're right. You're totally right, dude. They'd have to have that fucking hillbilly come out of the gas station and fucking pumping for them. And they'd have to go through six loops before they make our right turn. You know, people who don't know

New Jersey might not know they moved to that law because everyone was huffing the gas. You know, Jersey. Come on. Everyone's huffing gas. Dude, you never huffed gas and put on a Springsteen record? I always wanted to. Do you remember there was that Philips Seymour Hoffman movie about huffing

gas? Is that love Liza? Yes, it is. Is that what he's doing in that movie? Yeah, and he's got like fucking like our remote control airplanes. I forget that movie other than that. I just remember. movie up with Owning Mahoney.

Well, this one, he hangs around a lake a lot and I think Jason. And love Liza, he's huffing gasoline. And O'Ni Mahoney, he's huffing gambling. Oh, dude, it's a real degenerate gambler movie for sure. Jason Forhees is going to kill me? I made this fucking

company. Kind of a bad Charlie Wilson's war-ish thing we're doing. I'm glad you explained me because I had no idea. I saw that movie one time and I believe took a fucking delicious nap. That is a YouTube clip. Oh, is it? Philip Seymour Hoffman, John Slattery

in Charlie Wilson's War. It's like him yelling at John Slattery. It's fantastic. I went to Greece. You don't think I have pictures of you fucking Jason Voorhe's wife? I've got them. I got them and I could tell the fucking commissary if I wanted to, but I'm

bigger than that. Now, Chris, do you remember what his Phil Schumer Hoffman's character's name was in Charlie's Wilson's like Gus something? Fracalakus. Yeah, he's a Greek guy. I was asking Chris, because he dressed as it for Halloween once. I was wondering if he was going to call him out of that.

I'm proud of that. Took no time whatsoever. So whatever. It's all these kids. They go in the gas station. We meet at Trent, who's the rich kid who's like very clearly an asshole. The kid from Party Down is around who's just kind of

like a doofist, like a mimbo kind of character. Yeah, Ryan Hanson, who I love. He's also in Veronica Mars. Yeah. Then you've got Aaron Yu, who's kind of like named Chewy, who's kind of a stoner idiot guy. What's annoying though is his name is Chewy, but

the fucking nerdling are stealing the weed at the cold open, he was the one wearing the Star Wars t-shirt. It was not a half bad Star Wars t-shirt. It looked pretty cool, but I'm saying you've got a character named Chewy, you got to do something about that. You do got to do something about that. You do got to do something. That's really shitty.

You got Danielle Panabaker who was on me and Eric's joint unimplementation. televised television watching. Are you going to say, say, Smith? No, it's not Smith. Fuck.

No, uh, fucking shark with James Woods. Oh my God. She was his daughter on that show. Remember, she's also on the flash now. Yeah, she's a lot of the flag. Back when you could enjoy James Woods to a degree. To a degree. And now it's impossible.

But back in, you know, 2006. Yeah. It's still kind of okay. Fucking dude. Just, uh, unemployed afternoons watching Ray Leota and Smith. Oh, yeah. And fucking James Woods in shark. Eat and fucking takeout Chinese at 12.30 in the afternoon.

It's amazing we live to tell the tale. I don't know if I can do the rest of this episode. I'm depressed right now. Yeah, no, that's what it was. And you've missed Brian Dennehy in Frog. Well, you know, Steve, you're just... We're fucking Frog. You're depressed because you got FOMO.

Oh, I guess what, dude. You missed out. Well, I was living at home at the time, which was worse. Yeah, so... There's a couple other folks there. There was a couple of... Yeah. And there's this other kid named Lawrence, who's his character, who his two lines are one is like, he's like, why are you trying to make this? He's like, hey man, pump the gas. Why? Because I'm black. And then later in the movie, he's also like, they're like, oh, what kind of music do you like? He has to be rap. Why? Because I'm black.

Like, that's his joke the entire movie and it's bad. He says something about, 2009 and it's bad. They're freaking out because this cabin in the middle of nowhere doesn't have Wi-Fi. And he's like, I have to do all these business calls. I'm trying to start a record. And this girl's like, what? Rap? Yeah. And that's what he does. And then, you know, she apologizes. And he's like, no, it's rap.

Yeah, it's just, it's a one-note joke that you did twice. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, did we mention that that dude Clay is handing, handing out missing posters? This is where he comes in. Yeah. He comes in. He's got, he's got his, I mean, he's literally hanging out. I'm not missing a dog. I'm not missing my fucking keys. I'm missing my sister. Right. And this dude, Trent is like, boring. Dude, you get a load of this fucking pussy looking for his sister? Exactly.

So it's a missing person's like poster. And even the store owner is like, yeah, not hanging that on it. He's the clerk and he blames the owner. But it's like, what are we even doing? It's a person that's a girl that's missing. What are you talking about? Well, because I think it's a thing where they're like, like all the townies are like missing poster. Do you know where you are?

That person is dead. Question mark, because that's in the first half of the movie and it's not the rest of the movie. Because he goes to that house, there's this creepy later, like, oh, you're in Crystal Lake. And she never comes back. See that the movie needs a crazy Ralph type character. Exactly. She's like, you're our doomed. It's Jason.

She kind of does that. And that she's like, just don't bother him. He kills a couple people once in a while. But it's so stupid, Chris, because. She doesn't come out and say, like, Jason, blah, blah, blah. And, like, I know that we as the audience know it because it's the up umpteenth fucking Friday the 13th movie. But, like, I need that. I need the crazy Ralph to be like, you kids are dude.

Yes, exactly. It's better. Well, because the cop is like, come out, it's been four days. She's dead. This cop is outrageous. This dude stinks. We got 10-year vets that were on that case. Do you know how many thousands of people go?

missing in this state alone that's a lot of people to go Jersey but also the best part is like this he's like why are you putting up missing posters it's kind of like three billboards for a little bit so many murdered girls why do nothing crystal leg sheriff

there'd be like a thousand billboards it'd be like that that would be the entirety of New Jersey so then it was his mother at first and then it was him and then he got a mask Here's the Crystal Lake billboard mile. There's 50 billboards.

It's quite a lengthy message. My son was just listening to his headphones. Why so, Sheriff? Willoughby? Yeah, Tommy Jarvis. You're going to have to take down those billboards. That's an insane thing was Tommy Jarvis was supposed to play a part in this movie and then they cut it out. Come on.

Because why do anything to excite the fans, you fucking idiots? We need like a true protagonist in this movie because all these kids are just dead. me. That's what was interesting about the Tommy Jarvis character because it gave some kind of like focal point to these fucking sequels. I guess they rewrote it to be Clay, the guy with the missing sister, because he's like the most actual

person we're following through at the end of the movie. Jared Padalecki of Supernatural fame. Supernatural by the way and it's 29th season. Can I say this? It's quite an achievement for me personally. I've never seen a fucking second. I haven't either. It's really easy to avoid. I mean, like there are people that tell you that it's good, but I've also heard there's like fucking like Jesus shit in it.

I don't need to be fucking dealing with God and the devil. Thank you very much. It's just one of those shows that like it has it has its following of whatever it is and everybody, those people are rabid fans, which is fine. Just like we hit movies. Yes. Let me ask it is though. And just you know, at me on Twitter about this. Yes or no? Werewolves?

Oh, definitely. Do you think so? Yeah, I'm sure we've done it on. 29 seasons. They probably had sex with werewolves many times. Now you'd have to Ask which werewolf. A few people know Supernatural started right before Saturday Night Live. John Belushi was going to do that.

George Carlin was the first host of Supernatural. Carlin was the first ghost that they were talking to. So then it's like, And musical guest, the Wolfman. Yeah, and Don Pardo announced both shows. Welcome to Supernatural. The Wolfman was just Andy Kaufman playing a record.

Starring Jared Padalecki. And the other one. Yeah, who is other guy, by the way? When Jared Padalecki's like the more famous. The other one's actually in the My Bloody Valentine remake, I believe. I have not seen that. Also starring Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins. People with no careers otherwise.

Let me tell you this, though. I'm looking at this. These two motherfuckers, 327 episodes. I got to tell you, I think this is fucking encroaching on Hank Azaria money. The money these two must have. It's insane. And, you know, good for them, honestly. It's all the way to the bank.

They hit all the cons, too. Those two will go to your con. Oh, they'll do your con. Anyway, so, yeah, he's looking around for his sister. We're going around a little bit. These kids go off to their cabin. There's also a girl with a camera who just eventually turns into like sexy girl. Like they're trying to make a camera girl at first, but that doesn't take.

It gives up because I was like, why are you filming, girl? What are you making? We'll never know. Part of it is a sex tape because she fucks Trent later. Trent is supposed to be coupled with Daniel Pennebaker. That's correct. Yeah. But then later in the movie he fucks his other blood and she's like fucking.

filming it and whatnot. And he has some line, he's like, oh, yeah, oh, oh, I hope this doesn't wind up on the internet. Dude, that sex scene is literally pornography. It lasts for so long. Not too shabby, I have to say. I guess, though, there was a thing, and I don't know if there's any truth to this, and it seems very out of character for him to do so. Unsimulated.

My God, I was about to take a sip of a beer, but thank God. Oh, it would have been a fucking disaster. Right under the wire. No, apparently at the premiere of this movie, which I find this hard to believe because you know he saw it before this. Well, a red carpet? Right. No, but like, you have to believe that he saw this before the fucking Hollywood premiere.

Michael Bay supposedly walked out of the premiere because there was too much sex of this movie. What fucking planet are you on IMDB writer? I totally believe that because he has to jerk off somewhere that's not the theater. He goes into the bathroom. That's one out. Oh, he wasn't disgusted. He was horny. goes out to TGI Friday's bathroom.

He jerks off. He's my heart Cerella sticks. Goes back for the ending. Sounds like a great day. Well, he actually sees, they showed nudity. You're not allowed to show it. You're not allowed to show it. You're not allowed to show it. He goes to his...

Mother says no. Mother says no. You're allowed to film it. But money, you're not allowed to show it. Oh, my God. He goes back home to his tunnels. Okay. I'm going to dress up as Michael Bay's mother to stop his reign of terror. So whatever. they're partying and what they're partying but by the way Danielle Panabaker is like very sympathetic too

she's like hey he's missing his sister that's messed up yeah she's a human being one of fucking shock and he's and Padalecky's on this motor scooter he meets up with the cop he goes to the crazy ladies house he meets up with this fucking South Jersey Hillbilly and those people exist

don't you worry about it let's talk about this hillbilly because this guy you know Jason Voorhees be damned this dude is the most terrified character in the film. Yes. So there's this like wood chipper situation and this fucking he-haw motherfuckers putting all this wood through it. You will see

Confederate flag because if you go a little bit near Philadelphia but a little bit south you will see Confederate flag. Southwest Jersey dude, it might as well be Arkansas. Is Monsieur He-Ha? Is he also the white rapper who dates Sweetie? Yes, he is. Exactly him. Okay. Oh shit.

That is a great episode. Holy shit. I was like oh, where I've seen these eyes. before. Great Sweet D appearance, by the way. I've been going back through Curb. Oh, yeah. And she plays Cheryl's sister. Oh, she's great in those. She hates his guts. Dude, I just watched the episode where

he fucks up the baptism. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And she's fucking tearing into Larry David. It's so goddamn funny. Caitlin Olson's great. Yeah, no. So this dude, you know, he's like shredding wood and everything. And so Jared Padillke comes up trying to hand

out these posters and everything. And you know, this guy's like, oh, I haven't seen her, whatever and he's like hey man you want to buy some weed well first he swings that I'm and accuses him of stealing his kerosene oh right turns out to be jason yes jason it definitely is because he's

like someone's been wandering these woods stealing farmer brown's carousine Jason you know using supplies exactly like knowing yeah what kerosene is maybe he's drinking it dude oh wow how else am I supposed to watch my

Alex Jones He's got a fucking generator hooked up to a shitty laptop Which he has always on info Catch him in bed with a freak Paul Joseph watches updating a new show tonight I need the caracine

But so like He's Yeah the guy's like No I'm not stealing your kerosene I guess if you haven't seen my sister I'm going to go And the guy's like You want to buy some weed

He politely declines that as well and we might as well just get this out of the way now when we cut back to this guy he's like done like shredding wood for a little bit and he's in his like workshop and he like thinks he hears something he's freaking out he pulls the sheet down and there's this nude lady mannequin there first of all one of two times someone in this movie smokes weed and then starts looking at pornography to jerk off yep which magazine pornography call that analog yeah analog porn dude definitely happens right here well see that's the thing is like set it in the 80s do your analog porn. If we're really going for like, we're in 2009 now. He's got to have a computer open. Yeah. Or something. But this dude, unlike the other dude, who's jerking off later in the movie, this motherfucker

licks the magazine page. He's like, good gravy. And then he goes upstairs. To your point. He pulls the sheet down and there's this fucking mannequin. And he's just like, he's like, oh, you know, he's got a name for it or whatever. He's like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You're so tight oh i haven't had you in so long i'm gonna bust you down man i'm gonna pound you so hard yes what is he i mean look he says you're so tight i've had you before what is i mean is he making his own hole here yeah that's a DIY situation you're doing a little it's a carving project i don't man like well you got to like construct walls yeah oh yeah you've got yeah i mean that's the manikin no no it's just you cut out like part of like the mannequin's pelvic region and then you hollow out the middle of a like a grocery store bologna package. So then all you have to do is just turn out that bologna.

It's still there rotting. Whatever you do, don't replace it. So you say what you will about podcasts. This is the only podcast. We'll talk about a mannequin's vaginal walls. I will also say this is what would have happened to Jason Biggs' character in American Pie. And he not met up with Shannon Elizabeth. Or Allison Hannigan, rather.

Absolutely, dude. That pie fucker would have been out in the woods. fucking bologna and mannequins pelbuses. So Jason kills this guy. Whilst he's killing him, Jason's face is revealed.

We're only 40 minutes in, ladies and gentlemen. That's a party foul. You're not allowed, no. It's last 10 minutes or bus. I remember yesterday watching it and I went, the fucking face. Yeah, you see the whole thing. Man, I was reading Wikipedia

and they were like, you know, in part three, you don't see how Jason even gets. the hockey mask. I'm like, what the, did you not watch the movie? Producer of this movie? Oh, what the producer said this? What a fucking idiot. You fucking he kills that dude at the

Shelly. Shelly. Yeah. I should not remember things like that. And he takes the mask from him. But here, he just finds it on the floor. And like, what a great origin. Thanks for fleshing it out. Like, what are we doing? Like, he's like, well, what's that there? Because he

goes to pick up the fucking potato sack. Yes. And he's like, oh, what's this under this mannequin cover and it's just this hockey and I'm like why does this guy it's already beaten up too I'm gonna finish eating this baloney first oh man

baloney's a little salty someone put a lot of mayonnaise on this baloney it must have gone bad because it's so salty it just melts in my mouth man Jason pack your knives and go

but Jason you have baloney a mannequin and come let's see what you can make I made baloney manniquin and cum I hope you enjoy it's deconstructed also when he fucking puts that hockey mask on

dumbest thing of the movie I feel he fucking gets a glimpse of himself in the mirror are you kidding me well the funny thing is he must be like oh man you know I've been saying for years that potato shack while good at hiding my identity

it's just really sweaty in there now I can really roll Run, all right, yeah. He turns to the mirror, Hello, is it me you're looking for? And, yes, also, by the way, Jason, just get a haircut. He's got this, like, ratty, Hulk Hogan shit going on in the back. I think it's a skullet.

Yeah, it's kind of a skull. The machete is so sharp. Just cut it yourself. Yeah, get it. You know, just, it's a, it's for performance. You know what I mean? Like, swimmers, they cut their hair. You're a murderer.

You're a fast murderer. cut that hair. Or don't kill he-haw and have a I'm Too Sexy montage where we get a good You know? We got the wardrobe change. We got the mirror. All we needed was the fucking Right Said Fred song. And yeah, it's the he-ha guy like saying no, no, until

he puts the mask on. He's like, yes. Thumbs up. And then Jason decapitates him. Thanks for your assistance. He's putting like fake vampire teeth. Yes. Like on a devil mask. He's trying to put like bolts on his neck. This doesn't work. No, no.

then we cut to a woman water skiing topless to the hives yeah well there's so much I was surprised well there's a lot of subjet in this movie and then they went to the hives above jet I will say but yes but the subject man

that's it's tough yeah is there subjet that's a good question seems like the bottom of the barrel you know who's subject the darkness the darkness is subject I disagree with that completely get your hands off of my woman motherfucker Are you going to be my girl?

Music is terrible. In the mid to late early aughts. It was a tough time. We all, you know what, look, we all liked the white stripes, and we were all right about that. Yeah. But that was it. But all the knockoffs around the White Stripes universe.

But the vines. Oh, the vines. Man, divines. I listened to that first record more than it was appropriate. The hives were okay. I had a chives or vines. Who was on the Spider-Man soundtrack? Oh, I couldn't tell you.

Both of them might have been awesome. I honestly cannot distinguish those two bands. Well, the hives were like a little harder than the vines. And I believe the hives were also like Swedish or German or something. Yeah, Swedish. So by the way, Trent tells this guy not to take his boat out. Oh, right. And he does anyway.

So he deserves death. And this is cutting. cutting back and forth between like what this whole group is doing because some of them are inside playing beer pong they they enact the shoot the boot rule which I can not is that a real thing I can't handle that it's a real thing yeah if you lose 10 in a row you got to shoot the boot and I'd rather just throw up on your fucking rug and save everybody to time why would I even want to pour beer into my shoe exactly it's chewy sneaker yeah so your sneakers now soggy all night it's just disgusting and it's just going to smell forever um by the way at this point while this is

they're all like having a fun drinking party and then Clay comes up he's like hey by the way my sister's missing again ladies and gentlemen just a reminder she still might be dead I hope this beer pong's fun and this guy's like get out of here you fucking loser he has a pussy's gonna go cry about his

fucking dead sister it's dead it's been five days why are you so worried about this God and so we cut back this guy gets Amber alerts like whatever that's actually what I do I'm like, why is my phone

making noise? Oh, come on! That happened to me once when I was like, at work or something back in the day, and I was like, oh, fuck this. How do I turn these off? And I turned them off. What are you going to do? Have you ever seen that silver Camry? Yeah, I'm going to tackle it?

What am I, Optimus Prime? There's no way up, Kat. I'm just a man. I'm just saying that there are other people in this world that may be in a position to do something. I'm just a man. driving a car, trying to get to work. Oh, shit, an amber alert.

Automots, get into action. Okay, serious question, Steve. You're in New York City. You get an amber alert. It says, like, oh, the kid looks like that. And good luck. It's a silver camera. It's always a silver camera.

Are you just going to, like, grab kids in the street? Like, what is your Amber Alert hero story? I don't have an Amber Alert. All right, look, I do not have an Amber Alert, in quotation. Mark's Hero's story, but I think it's important to get that information out there. Yes, I'm advocating for Amber Alert.

You're acting like you're inconvenienced by this information. Here's the thing. I said my phone when I didn't want to. If, if they just knocked it off with the noise. That's really what it is. Because you're in like,

if you're in like an office setting, everyone's fucking phone is going on. All I'm saying is save it for the flash flood alert. That I'm actually concerned. about it. No, the flash flood you can fucking keep. What's going to rain. Congratulations. I'm living a fucking dock. I'm not too worried about it. That's what you're worried about.

Water damage. I want to know if I should take an umbrella. Jesus Christ. Listen, also, I've never found the missing adult. I know, yes. Well, he's 86. You're confused. What the fuck do you want me to do? I'm at work. I'm going to drop

everything and look for your fucking grandfather. Lock your door. You just put a hat on and be like, Someone is missing. We're going to find him today. It's just a way to get information out in case someone might be in a position. Which is fine. But why does it have to make the loudest noise in the world?

It's out like I'm at a fucking air show. It's an Amber Alert. Because listen, now that that infrastructure is set up, pretty soon Trump's going to be tweeting from it. He tried to do that thing happen. Oh, did it? Yes. His first year in term, he did some sort of an alert about something using that exact channel. Oh, I think you're right.

I don't remember what it was. It wasn't like crazy, but it wasn't good either. Of course it was a fucking horrible idea. It was like, beep, beep, beep. I had burger king today. Amber Alert. Has anyone seen Barron? This house is too big.

Has anybody seen Melania's son? Is Melania's son around? Oh, that brain dead cretan. so Ryan Hansen is driving this boat this the video camera girl oh no it's a different woman who I think this woman is a singer turned actress I believe

the internet told me I'd never heard they all I just want to look up who it is because I think she has like a bit of a following I think is the idea let me just look here really quickly for that name if I can find yeah go for it. Let me say that this dude gets an arrow through the

head and we do not see Jason standing there with a long bow. Like, what is this? There is a shot of him. Maybe it's the extreme cut. You see him with a bow and arrow like he's fucking Jeremy Redder all of a sudden. What the fuck? Dude, he's Hawkeye and they totally have a shot of it. Well, I must have been looking at the fucking Amber Alert.

How many are you getting a day? Well, he signed up with the deluxe player. Oh, got it, got, got, got, got, got. But I just think it's fucking ridiculous That's Jason shooting an arrow Look, I had to get a sports requirement At community college They were offering archery

He was either that or learning to the trapeze And I would have fucking died there Hey look, you know what? I've been terrible for five movies But guess what I'm on Disney Plus now It's totally you won't be able to believe My Disney Plus show that's coming up No I know no one likes me

it's fine. It's me chasing for he's. Don't worry. I'm going to be training another woman to take my place immediately in the second season. It's going to be me and Bear Grillis. Learning out to survive in the woods. This is Willa Ford who is doing the water skiing.

Gotcha. And so she falls off the wakeboard. And so Ryan Hanson is turning the boat around to come pick her up. Jason nabs him in the head. This dude is dead immediately. And the boat like keeps going in her direction. She can't get out of the way it hits her. Very gruesome.

Yeah. And she's like kind of like I guess I read the original script called for her like because she sees Jason on the bank of the lake and she was supposed to just stay in the water because she's scared of him and then get tired and drown. Yeah. But then what happens is like she swims under a dock. Yes. And it's the dumbest fucking like this machete is cutting through wood like it's. butter i don't buy it and it picks her up so you get one last tch shot because you've seen like three already and it's a tit shot that plays for a joke because it's like he stabs her right in the top of the head yes and picks her up and she hits her head on the underside of the dock yeah and you get a little tune raider jiggle yes and like that's the joke and she's just dead that's great sure you know what's actually kind of cool though is like someone trying to wait out jason and it's like fucking open water and she just drowns

like that's a good thing oh it's going too long like I don't know that'd be kind of interesting for three seconds make a scene anyway so we need more dead tits we need more dead tits in this I'm sorry sir not enough dead tits

listen I've got to if I have to listen to the fucking hives I'm going to see some tinnies through it I'll tell you about click click click boom this is a classic the character of Martin's sitting at the third.

For new listeners, that's not just actually Steve's lust. No, it's a character's lust. Oh, you'll never hear my lust on this show. While this is all going on. It's a secret lust. It's a secret last. I think I got an Amber alert about that.

Daniel Panopaker and Jared Padalecki have gone off on a walk because fucking asshole Trent was an asshole again. And she's like, let's just get out of here and go for a walk. And they wander. Well, there's two things. Trent's like, your sister's missing, that sucks. And the other, and she's like, you're fucking loser. She's like, wow, your sister's missing.

That's kind of hot. I don't know, that's kind of sexy. It's so hot. I like this guy is like sister is missing. She might be dead. I don't know. It's kind of hot. He's tall as fuck.

And speaking, it sucks. I don't know. Like, I think his sister missing makes him like kind of vulnerable. He's in like a hard place right now in his life. And I feel like I could be there for it. It's like I'm in. like an SVU episode it's kind of fucked

oh I don't know he's awfully broken though yeah I hope she doesn't turn up alive that would kind of ruin it for me and on their little romantic walk they just walk into the Crystal Lake campgrounds and they're just investigating snooping around which kind of sucks because we've already

seen it the first group of kids did this totally and we're just doing it again I'm like how long have I been watching this movie now we can just see Jay and turn on like these giant outdoor lights. Dude, he knows to use like the big switch to power the campground. Just make him a libertarian. Like he was just a dude that was weird.

Like he's got to have, instead of a hockey mask, it's a fucking bandana of the American flag. He's wearing a fucking cutoff t-shirt that says, if you can read this, the bitch fell off. Could be wearing a guy fox mask possibly. Maybe he watched V for Vendetta wrong. A lot of people did that. Yeah, and it's like

They reused the same like Oh, the majesty of seeing the It says Camp Crystal Lake Like the little walkthrough thing Like Jurassic Park or something shit You know Welcome to Crystal Lake But this is a

In this amber we have A droplet of Jason's blood We're gonna clone him How about Monster Park, dude? Monster Park would be fun They get some DNA off of the boiler Where Freddy was cooked Oh yeah

And they just make all the monsters and cages. I would love to see Sam Neil like raise out of a fucking Jeep because Jason is walking by. A turn, Lord Bird's head to see it. Look at the, it's so majestic. I'll look if Freddy Kruger is breaking out of its

shell and they're like little like knife finger first. BD. Wong. It's like, come on. Come on. Pinhead coming out of a leather egg. Say that again. We have a pinhead. It's like cabin in the woods.

Oh, pumpkin head. Pumpkin head doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. Dennis Hed tree. Tennis Nedry. It's cornered by the critters. Yes. Oh, yes.

They lower a girl into the pit like the goat. A bunch of leather faces come out and chop her up. Oh, I could see this. I like it. I like this a lot, actually, sure. So this is a weird, like, we see. Daniel Panemaker like trips over a rope

that like rings a bell like so Jason's got this whole fucking campground wired like this is some real Ted Kaczynski shit no thank you it's just not my hashtag not my Jason now and so what this reveals like we follow the rope with the bell and whatnot and there's this huge

tracking shot and we find that the sister is still alive chained in this mine and I just wrote in my nose right here the mines and you know so whatever this is a bit of Jason's home life though in his homework because he's not out

hunting right now he's home and what is he doing he's sitting at the fucking stone wheel sharpening the machete that's stupid it's so dumb I know that the knife is sharp I know it will keel I'm sure of it I don't need to see how sharp it is but you saw in the background that don't tread on me poster right

a flag sorry But while all this is happening, like there's been a whole thing where Jason has taken Jared Padalecky's bag, like he finds it on the ground. They're hiding from him under a rack of canoes. Oh, yes, the canoe tossing. Yeah, and he starts tossing these things with one hand just hawking them. And so, you know, Whitney is very scared. Again, you don't see your, you don't see. There should be a bucket there.

She's chained up against a wall. I need to see the bucket. What's the bucket like? Yeah. I don't need to see what's happening in the bucket, but I should know a bucket's there. Maybe she's just, like, sitting in her own piss and shit. Well, I mean, that would be like, you, yeah, when they find her, like, oh, oh, God, Whitney. Yeah.

And suddenly, suddenly he's like, let's leave her. That's not, whatever that is is not my sister anymore. Not like this. Not like this. But we cut, we also cut back to the fucking cabin where there's a sexy dance going on. Oh, sure. What was his name? Aaron you?

Aaron you, yes. He's like talking about like, oh, I want to come back as an ass button on her jeans shorts. Okay. Well, also the ass button. A jean shorts. Well, the ass button is not even like touching the ass. The ass button is just touching the button. You know, like, don't you want to be the denim? Be the denim at least.

She might be wearing underwear, buddy. You don't want to be that? That's a big mite, Chris Cabin. What if you're a guy that is her boyfriend? I would like to come back as a man that might have sex with it. That button's not going to fuck her. And then now part of the plot of the movie is thrusted forward by someone breaking Trent's daddy's chair

And he's like this guy He's like oh no that's my dad's chair And he's like well I'm gonna go fix it So he goes down to the fucking whatever Tool shed which is like a mile From the house down a scary path And Turns out Jason stealing shit from this place too

I guess why else would he be there I don't even know what's happening And Trent and this girl Have sex This is when the other guy Picks up in like Here's the thing dude like yeah you came to this party alone

everyone else in the house is having sex you gotta go in the bathroom you just got to go into a... This is an outrageous development in this film because I mean he's not even shown to be like a nerd he's like a cool dude like you know he's trying to start a record label exactly and he's

like well I guess I have to jerk off right now in the middle of the living room exactly not even to pornography it's a fucking catalog It's a serious cat. But, like, he's like, well, I get, like, yeah, you're right.

It's like, everyone's getting late. Well, I guess I better start jerking off. Chewy's out fixing the chair. I can't be using my memory to remember the girl dancing on the table. It's got to be a catalog. Even if it has to be a catalog, the bathroom is right there. Or you presumably are sleeping in a bedroom somewhere in this house. Go there, close and lock the door.

Exactly. I just cannot believe that. His decision is to jerk off in the middle of the living room with all the lights on, all the lights. You've misread the character. He likes maybe getting caught. Oh, I see. The only part of this that gives him pause is that this stuff deerhead might be watching. Oh, right.

Which means he's a maniac. That deer is dead. This long dead animal is going to judge me. What'd you say, dear? Dead by dawn. Come by dawn. so also clever deadites

Whitney by the way rifles through her brother's bag finds like an old broken GPS thing pulls a wire out of it so she can uncuff herself she does Jared Padlicki and Daniel Pennebacher

wind up back at the cabin they're like oh my god this guy we saw him he cut off this dude's head or whatever the fuck they saw they're all running around there's also am I remembering right there's a weird thing where someone gets murdered because Trent

and camera girl are fucking loudly plus there's loud music and they can't hear oh it's the sister the sister gets to the house and gets caught again and gets caught again by just she's like about to ask for help and they're fucking sold loudly and the silver chair

or whatever is played I wish it was silver chair but there's a line of dialogue here from Trent that is amazing where he compliments this woman for having perfect nipple placement he says her tits are stupendous actually he says your tits are stupendous and perfect nipple placement well what does that mean they weren't on her shoulder blades so i'm just i'm just reveling in the dialogue of this great

film oh no it's classic dialogue dude she also makes fun of him though like a little a little later on because he's he says something like this fucking is and she's like stupendis you idiot and this is where we get um erin being killed in the in the tool shed there. Yeah, he gets murdered in the tool shed. He's doing the thing where he's like a lot of Aaron U improv. By the way, Aaron U's also in that nightmare remake, weirdly enough. Oh, is he? For like five seconds. He's like one of the

dudes when they're researching everything that's on a vid clip about Freddy or whatever. Oh, yeah. Weird. Yeah. Weird. Yeah. Was that IMDB trivia? No, that's some Steve Sannack trivia. Oh, nice. That's the best kind of trivia. Don't you worry about it.

Verify. He's been working on the Aaron-U biography. Aaron U, the first 90 days. Yeah, he gets a fucking screwdriver in the throat. After doing a lot of like he's playing hockey with no one. Yeah. Just look for shit. Yeah, like I don't need the vamping.

Just look for shit and then get murdered before you find it. Screwdriver is pretty good. It's a weird, like this takes forever. Like Jason's really ramming it in there. And so then now. now Jason's on the property. Everyone is aware because Jared Pedalike's telling them and they're like, we don't believe that.

And then like the other guy. Lawrence, Lawrence grabs, he grabs a walk as like a shield. Like, there has to be knives to be grabbed, first of all. Like, that's the first thing I'm grabbing. Shield second, but I mean, cool improv using the walk. But also, this is like the fox catcher estate. There has to be guns somewhere on this. We find one later.

But to what you're talking about, there's, there should be a wall of guns. These are rich white assholes that have a cabin in the woods. There's, there's rifles from the Civil War. Yeah. He's like, Chewy, I got to go save Chewy. And everyone's like, ah, good luck with that, dude. And he's like, no, everyone who's coming with me? And everyone's like, I'm good.

Trent's like, I'm reviewing my sex tape performance. I have to go to the bathroom for a long time. I'm going to try the cops again. Larry went to take his shit I guess I'm going by myself So he goes and checks it out He gets into a little bit of a scuffle with Jason Kinds of fucks him up a little bit

Yeah he stabs him I think or gets him with something He cuts him in the leg I think He's the deal and gets him again And then he like runs back to the house And this is Jason was in a fucking Loggerhead tournament Because he fucking throws this axe over his head And nails this dude in the back

I mean there are actually a bars Now that you can drink and learn how to throw axe. It's actually a fun time if you ever have some time. You know, the axe-throwing competitive community is really robust here in southwest New Jersey. It's hard to find a community that accepts you for who you are. And these people took me in.

And I love them. And I'm just a guy thrown an axe trying to love you. You know, it's weird. I was the only guy there looking to throw axes. Everyone else was there for craft beer end axe. And it turns out I like craft beer too. I didn't know that because I never had it before, but here I am. The weird thing was, though, I was the only one there that wanted to throw these axes at people.

And everybody else wanted to use a target. Excuse me. You know, my first time here, don't have to get overheated about it. Now, it's a weird thing. I think even though he's doing this, like, in this movie, he's like a fucking weird survivalist, whatever. I think they're giving him too much credit at this point because Lawrence gets the axe and he falls over and he's like he's still alive

and he's like help me come on please someone help me and they make a move to go outside and Padalecky's like no no no no he's setting a trap for you I was like shut the fuck off no this is just a this is a Steve say that cowardly move of like oh no if we go it's a trap he's playing three dimensional chess

it's exactly what he wants us to do let's stay inside where it's safe And meanwhile, Jason's like, I'm a trap. It's a pretty good idea. I wish I thought of it. Oh, God, I wish I could just go home and listen to more of the Joe Rogan podcast.

So, um, I'm so behind on Carolla. Uh, Jason finishes him off. Do you hear he had Gavin McGinnis on the other night? We're looking forward to that episode all week. Oh, that guy's got some good ideas. I can't believe what those animals did. to Andy know though that's messed up

have you heard about Antifa what about Antifa concrete milkshake I mean they're anti Tifa I'm

I was like man the whole like move against anti-fascist exactly you know what the farm means don't you? No, they don't. They truly don't. They're into the Fah. Yeah, they're very into the Fah.

Pro Fah. We're pro Fah. They're anti-Fa. So, blah, blah, blah. At this point, Trent gets a gun. The cops are on their way. The cop shows up. And I kind of, and Jason's in the house doing so. He kills the camera girl by shoving her into an antler, which I think is a kill from another movie. Silent Night, Deadly Night. Oh, okay. Ooh, nice.

Yeah. And the first season of Hannibal. shoves her in an antler, she's dead and like I kind of Jason actually looks up the window and sees the cop car and I kind of want him to go Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck fuck the age is oh He takes his mask off Oh what seems to be the problem officer

His fucking eyeballs I was just taking a midnight stroll And these teens started pranking me I just I'm going to go home now to my legal abode Which is up this road right here Officer I believe they're Antifa my address Yeah

One, two, three, fake street It's like the idea of trying to out maneuver the cops Anyway, officer, would you like to buy some weed or kerosene? I have this pornographic magazine you can lick Last Wednesday I was at an alcohol bar And then I went to the movies

used to see a movie. We're all joking, but this is actually how Libertarians talk. Afterwards, I ate dinner at a hamburger restaurant. But no, he actually kills this cop. It's so, like, get this cop out of

this movie, man. Who needs him? It's an okay kill, though. It's like, yeah, it's like a it's like a poker right through the door, right through the eye. Yeah, it's pretty cool. It's not too bad, but it's like, at least in I'm thinking of parts,

Jason lives where there's the sheriff who looks exactly like John Carpenter. Yes. And he has a stake in it because like Tommy Jarvis's lady friend is his daughter. Yeah, that's right. You know, and he's like, you better stay away from my daughter. He's a character. It's a thing.

This guy has two scenes. One, he fucking tells Jared Padalecki that his sister's probably dead. And then the second scene he gets a fucking poker in the eye. Okay. And now everybody's running away. Trent has a gun and he's like trying to use it. It's kind of fun.

Well, he's a good guy with a gun, dude, and he fucking hears something behind a door and fires like a maniac, and it turns out he's just shooting the corpse of the woman he just fucked. Which is kind of a thing where he's like, oh, she's dead, but he's not sure if he killed her or not. It's kind of great because he, he, like,

pushes the door open, and he looks through and he sees her there, and he's like, hmm, and he closes the door, and then he's like, yeah, he got her. He got her, too. And he then tries to get away in the squad car, and Jason throws her corpse onto the windshield and breaks it. And that's enough for him to run away.

Come on, dude. Start that engine. Exactly. I know the windshield's fucked up, but come on. It's a fucking meat wagon now. Just drive. And he runs away and Jason gets him. Jason pretty much impales him in the shit.

No, I'm sorry. He finds a car to hitch with. This is a weird thing because the movie doesn't end the story. The movie tries to get you to think at this moment. Yes. That Jason Voorhees is driving a pickup truck. Which we would believe because he's buying groceries at this point. He's sharpening a machete on a fucking wheel.

I mean, Jason's confirmed at that house from throwing that corpse. You just ran through the woods to this road. Yeah. And you think the first car that comes along is magically Jason? Yeah, it's a good point. But the movie's a weird, like, because the car slowly rolls to a stop. The hand slowly comes out of the window and, like, beckons him to come. I'm kind of a thing.

You hear Joe Rogan coming out from the window. My next guest, Alex Jones. Did you ever see me on news radio, Alex Jones? Oh, yes, I did. That was a classic, classic performance and a classy show. Except for that, that Antifa, Phil Hartman. I forgot that Alex Jones can't enjoy anything. There's always more of a John Lovitz man on that show.

They always say that Stephen Root looks like me. Oh, bullshit. Stephen Root's crying somewhere. But so he, while he's trying to get into this car, but he's a little too afraid, Jason gets him, impales him. And this guy's got a bunch of antlers on the back of his pickup truck. He shoves this kid on the antlers. It's not antlers. It's some like tow truck spike or some shit.

Yeah, it's some weird, like, spike. It's a thing that I've never seen a real tow truck actually have. But this guy drives away and he's like, thanks for the kid car. Jason. I'm going to use this later. Thanks so much. It's like some old man. He's like, why won't my cars start? Oh, it's that Jason again. I haven't seen him in years. But yeah, he just drives away. And Jason's like, bye-bye. Maybe they have an uneasy alliance. Sure. Yeah. Oh, that's my neighbor.

Oh, he can smell him maybe. And he's like, smells like townie. Oh, yeah. Jason, he, you know what? He just lets me taxidermy all his back is all of his victims. Oh, my God. And it's just, it's the funnest thing in the world. for me. I don't have any other hobbies. See, that would be an actually interesting angle for this movie if Jason had like a surrogate father that was like trying to make him...

Or if the town was evil or something. Ooh, evil town. Most towns are evil, for sure. So kind of the last-ish I mean, it's the last bit here. They run away, they find Whitney Whitney is back in the cellar again. Get his back

on the escalator, dude. They get her... And like, They're trying to get her out. And this is the thing, if I'm Daniel Pennebaker. So Daniel Pennebaker, he's, oh, my God, my sister. I love you so much. You, okay? And she's like, he's coming. He's coming. And it's like, oh, let's fix the lock. Or they're trying to cut it open or something like that. Yeah. If I'm like, I will see you guys in fucking Pennsylvania. Because goodbye. Like Jared Padalecki, I have known you for less than 24 hours.

Other girl, we've never met. I'm sorry you were kidnapped and chained in this mine shaft. we found your sister should now you're less hot to me so that's you got that that's one strike here's my number if your brother dies or something like that then i might be interested again he's gonna probably spend all that time that we would have spent kissing like bringing her back to life yeah helping her readjust to society helping her deal with her trauma we see more of these expansive minds and i thought like shit i was i was just surprised there wasn't like a giant penny or a dinosaur no of an awesome dude if all of a sudden they took like a fucking temple of doom like mine cart ride yeah that'd be pretty sorry all i'm asking for that would have made it better honestly oh yeah in this patinson fucking batman movie yeah give me the giant penny and give me the dinosaur that's two things i need in the bat cave anything else you want to do you could do what you want to do were they ever explained I think sometimes, yes, sometimes, no, it depends. I mean, like, there's a cool animated series episode where To Face, they showed the penny where it flips it. Yes. And if there's a big penny that Batman's like attached to, I do remember that, but that dinosaur. I mean, I don't.

Was the Joker fucking with John Hammond one ever saw? I think Batman busted John Hammond. Oh, no, Batman. We're going to stuff this, Alfred. That hurt Batman. I don't have to save you drops him into a dinosaur We have a riddler

But so Daniel Pennebaker is like Come on guys He's getting closer He's getting closer Right And they finally get going And wouldn't you know it She gets it right through the fucking throat or whatever

Yeah she's totally impaled And if she had a head start Because those fucking That's the thing is there They're Jason's problem Not yours Yeah And I gotta say also

It's a brother and sister clearly very close the mother has died of cancer we're told this weird hillbilly part of fucking Jersey I don't know I think we got some kiss and siblings yeah it could be

she should Danielle Pennebaker should have read the writing on the wall dude just fucking got out of there they're going to be making out oh who is this your girlfriend then so she's dead they find one of Jason's exits and it winds up in the fucking Christopher

McHandless bus from into the Wild. Well, that's what's weird is they spend the last few minutes of this movie running through sets of previous films because it's like Camp Crystal Lake, obviously, like part one and all of them. But then like the house cabin thing, they're back there for a little bit. That's part two. They go to a barn. That's part three. Jason winds up in the park. A turned over bus is very similar to the wild. Jason's like, I shouldn't have killed that moose. You accidentally eight points. Boys and berries while you were starving, Chris McCanneless. That's what killed you, we found out. Marisha Gay Hardin is Mrs. Warhees. Oh, shit. Great casting, but the overturned bus is very much like the overturned RV in part six. And you see Jason standing on the top of it, just like in that movie.

I think this October, I'm going to do a rewatch. It's been a one. Is that different from any other October? Shut up, Chris. I will say, we are recording this on Thursday, September the 12th. That's right. tomorrow is. Friday the 13th. Look out for tunnelman. Tunnel man coming this Friday the 13th. He's digging your doom. Ah, yes. Dude, tunnel man, dude.

Whatever. Um, yeah, so there's a bunch of bus business. We do end up in the barn, which is kind of the last minute. And this is where Whitney uses the, it's okay to stop bit from part two when the girl puts on the sweater and pretends to be the mother. Yeah. So, yeah, he's about to keep. kill Jared Padlecky. There's the wood chipper is, I feel like Jason goes into this barn and he's like, oh boy. He doesn't know what to do. He's like, there's a wood chipper. It's a fucking edged weapon

barn. Dude, he's a freak in a candy store. And he says, oh boy, oh boy, he puts on the what he called? The wood chipper is on. She distracts him. Padlecky gets him with a bear with a bear trap on the shoulder. Wrong fucking angle.

Maybe he'd missed. Because that's got to go around the head, straw dog style. The head of the balls, dude, one of the other. You know, God damn it, when I watched Fargo, they had an open thing for the wood chipper. This is a tiny hole. How am I supposed to get this fucking body in there? You know, some days I love my job,

but other days, just gosh darn it. You know what? We're going to chop you up first. Then we're putting you in the wood chipper. We're going to chop you up first and then into the woodchip. The cops find Jason just like pushing a foot into the wood chipper, then he runs around in the snow. God, my arms are starting to hurt.

All that for a little bit of money. So, yeah, then, like, Whitney gets... The chain's wrapped around his neck, and he's getting, like, pushed towards the chipper and whatever. But he's getting hung through it. He gets hung first, but then it comes down. And then it turns out to the wig of things. I was like, ah, it's got to get worse before it gets better.

Yeah, it doesn't. Like, his head starts going towards it. And then she has the line, say hi to mommy, 15 second. in hell and pushes him into the thresher and it's such a fucking obvious sequel setup because he's not weird to believe in this film

supernatural in any way it kind of just like clinks him on the back of the head a little bit and stops push that shit all the way through oh my god what if he had brain damage like I don't know how to whittle anymore oh no I forgot my name now he becomes

Jason that we know this is the origin origin store. Flowers for Jason Voorhees. But then there's a, this movie ends with a dipshit jump scare. Well, hold on a second. They're throwing him in the lake. Yes.

Call the fucking cops. What are you covering up every murder? Here's a question. You got a dead cop on your hands, Eric. You are definitely calling the cops. Like, this guy did it. Hey, hey. That guy right there. I know his fucking head is hamburger. But it was that guy that definitely did it. So you called us and then you said,

this should tie it all up. in a nice little bow. It's that mad killer. Your police report just says this ought to do it. Did I see a wrong thing here? Was like... Yes. I mean, probably.

But like, they're hucking him into the lake and whatever. So, like, the hockey mask has to fall. Yes. Did I see a detached leg, like fucking jaws? Because then I was like, did they chop him up? I don't remember. Because that's the move, honestly. Yeah, if you're going to do that.

But I would still, again, call the, that's the cop's problem. I mean, it's just throwing him in the lake for potential sequel setup or furthering the mythos or showing you shit you already know from the other movies. Well, because then he jumps up through the dock like part seven and like grabs that woman. And then that's, we cut. That's the end of the movie. Not a great ending. No. Not a great movie.

No. I mean, this was like the top of the box office that weekend. Yeah, because we went. Thanks to us. oh yeah our four tickets purchased and then it dropped down but this was one of the highest grossing Friday the 13th movies and it couldn't garner a sequel which is surprising I don't know how they fucked that up but I still think to this day your idea Eric is the best idea for a new Friday the 13th movie off season Friday the 13th have that shit in winter yes that's all I want is Jason with fucking you can see his breath yeah yep and killing the rich that was the other part of it killing the rich well that That's a fucking...

It's up there somewhere. I have that book. It's like Crystal Lake literature. It's called Hate, Kill, Repeat, I believe is what it is. And in this universe, like, developers have made, like, rich people vacation lodges on Camp Crystal Lake. And Jason is furious at the way his neighborhood is being gentrified. I mean, the fucking Ready or Not is out now. It's been doing pretty good.

Just go that way with it. People would show up. Okay, but do we really, I mean, again, I like the microbrews. I like the X bar. The X bar I like. But do we really need three bookstores? Come on, guys. Did Crystal Lake need a Tesla dealership?

This is ridiculous. Nobody in this town knows how to drive. Look at all these hillbillies. We're walking everywhere. Or just do the direct ready or not mashup where he's like, oh, yes, I love you. Wait, your family's hunting me now? bring it on they're in for a big surprise oh man great crossover i've not seen that movie but that is yeah they're like oh yeah well we're gonna take your hulking bizarre fiat your your groom

it's just like a timid of tuxed and like well he seems like easy prey he's wearing a hockey mask oh dude yeah impeccable pressed black tucks yeah also disgusting hockey mask well when i graduated from dartmouth you see uh they a part of the graduation is they gave me a hockey mask because they call me the goalie. Are you right? That's an evil school. That's the end of this movie.

Would anybody recommend it? It's not no. It's a no because again, like you should literally watch, even like the batter, like even like the new blood and a new beginning. It's just got the 80s sheen

which I need for my Friday movies and maybe I'm the oldest man in the room but that's what I need and it's not here. No, it has to have. comes off really soulless and kind of joyless and not a lot of fun it's a it's a it's a light no for me it's not it's not as bad as i remember it but i still don't need it yeah i mean that is the real issue is like this is probably about as good as i would expect from like no thought at

all yeah update of this material and it just looks like garbage like i miss the grain i miss the darkness of those old like you know so much of this movie takes place during the day and again, the moon is a mile away. You can see everything even in the middle fucking night. When there's lightning flashing towards the end of the movie, it's just them throwing, like flicking switches on giant lights.

Yeah. Yeah. Like the big paddock lights. It's ridiculous. Yeah. It's a no. But again, like, again, I don't know, other than going high concept, like rich people or winter, um, high concept. That's middle. That's middle concept.

But I, you know, I would also say no, but like if you're going to make a new Friday the 13th movie why not just set it in the 80s why not put it in that's what I want yeah yeah just put it in like after takes Manhattan or something put it into somewhere in the old continuity because that's that's the raddest part of jason X is when they use that holodeck program to make it the 80s yeah and you're like oh yeah now this feels right again and then suddenly you're not concerning yourselves with cameras and cell phones yeah whatever the fuck else. That shit, it just doesn't translate.

There's something about slasher genre on the whole, I think, honestly, where, like, most of it feels fine in the 80s and anything after that doesn't. Like, I love the David Gordon Green Halloween that came out last year. I truly love it. I think it's a great movie. I think Jimmy Lee Curtis is great in it. But there is still something about it where I'm like, they should be wearing bad clothes and having bad haircuts.

I think a lot of people disrespect horror fans. in the way that they don't think they'd be into a period piece or understand a period piece like, oh, well, they just want blood and guts, and we're doing it now because you live now and that's scary. But it's so dumb because look how much horror fans loved House of the Devil,

the Thai West fan. And how the entire world loved stranger things. Like, you know what? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly the direct line. It just reminds us of a better time. Well, in one way or enough. Yeah, not everywhere.

really they're putting a sweet green in here that is Friday the 13th 2009 directed by Marcus Nispell if you want more we hate movies check out Patreon.com slash we hate movies coming up this month I think we should just say it right here. Let's say it dude. The we love movies bonus episode

on patreon.com slash we hate movies for the month of October is Stanley Kubrick's The Shining. So we recorded that a couple weeks ago it was a lot of fucking fun. The response to the we love movies initiative has been really great so check that out patreon.com slash we hate movies this month for the spooktacular we love movies the shining so speaking of

the spooktacular we are just getting started here in we hate movies uh so it rolls on next week steve what are we talking about final destination three what i've been told is the good one yeah that's what i keep hearing it is 100% the good one the better one is this with the roller coaster Yes. Okay. I believe. Yes. And Mary Elizabeth Winston. And photographs are predicting 9-11 and all these other things. But by the way, be sure to check out our previous episode from this past April, I think, on Final Destination No. No. Right. The origin of the S-My-D riff. Yes. And if you're mad that we're skipping number two, you can S-M-D.

There it is. Wow. So until next week with Final Destination 3, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Zanak. Chris Gavin. Eric Siska. Take it easy.