We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 448 - The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

On this week's episode, the 2019 Halloween Spooktacular gets a little gross as the gang gags their way through a conversation about the 2009 schlock-fest, The Human Centipede (First Sequence)! How did Tom Six never think to build out ANY of these characters? Are these the two worst cops in film history? And what's the deal with the mad doctor's ultra-'90s ditch-digging outfit? PLUS: Will Alec Baldwin be in a Human Centipede sequel? The Human Centipede (First Sequence) stars Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura, Andreas Leupold, Peter Blankenstein, and Bernd Kostau as that Dirty Old Pervert; directed by Tom Six. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, please locate the barf bag located in the seat back in front of you. It's the human centipede first sequence. I'm Andrew Jupin. Uh, Steven Siddack's second sequence. Chris Cobb and I'm Eric Siska in the rear eating shit apparently. And we hate movies. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's the title of one good scare. Sometimes, death is better.

Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wickham Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. I'm sick for fucks you've seen one too many movies. Now, Sid! Don't you blame the movie? Don't you blame the movies? Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative.

What's the fucking looser in a bad? What an excellent day for an accident. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the program. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right. The Halloween spooktacular gets really fucking gross right now. It's the Halloween season.

Puky, puke. I hate this. You're eating shit. I really just. Harry's already gone. It is, of course, the human centipede first sequence from 2009 directed by Tom Six. Yeah, I am a fucking genius. He seems like an enormous, like, this isn't a movie. This is not a movie. I don't think it's, it's an idea in search of a movie. He seems like an enormous, not a movie. Yes, he is an enormous not a movie. We're not the, I will say, sadly, we're not the first podcast. to cover this topic.

No, yeah. No, it's crazy, Chris Cabin. No, someone else broke new ground. Check this shit out. Listener supported. W. NYC. Studios. This is Alec Baldwin. And you're listening to Here's the Thing. The human centipede.

The only movie Roger Ebert ever refused to give a star rating to. It is what it is. He concluded. It was the talk of the festival circuit in 2009. Okay. We're not going to listen to the whole episode. I'm the boss baby, and I'm going to make a baby centipede. The boss baby first sequence.

Is that the TV show or is that the TV show? No, I think the second, the Netflix series, full sequence. Right, right, right. So, Steve, you listen to this there. I did. The weirdest part about. Tom Six is a genius. He's having fun with him.

It's kind of, I can't tell if it's you really, he obviously must have realized this movie. This episode came out last year out of nowhere. It's like, I'm going to interview Tom Six. It's because people like Alec Baldwin are actually making human centipedes, I think. Like the rich, you know,

we don't. Hey, Tom, how about some tips? So where'd you buy gas? I know you need to knock these people out. Yeah, but it's, It's between, somewhere between like, oh, this is a really smart movie, or is it like when you invite the kid in school that's going to eat worms to eat worms in front of you kind of a thing? Right. You don't know which where he's going with it because you are just so ridiculous, Tom.

I can't believe you're saying this. This is the big question, though. I mean, since it was last year, has Alec Baldwin seen all three human centipede movies? He only saw the first two. He's like, my wife, uh, has, we have. she goes to bed I watch humans said to be a movie

Wow Get out of here I had a Tom 6 double feature The wife went to bed I poured myself A large Scott I like all the violence

The killing The shit eating Especially the shit eating Uh Welcome to WNYC Studios Tom 6 You brought the weird short fat guy

From part two Hi How you doing? Stay up for Radio Lab coming up after this Talking about whether you can or cannot make a human centipede Yeah, it's me, Robert Rollrich And I'm here to tell you about whether or not You can actually make a human centipede

You can't, right? I think this movie proves you cannot I have not seen the sequels, I understand Neither have I. Steve has seen them all in theaters I have. In theaters, all three. You know,

Is it a six head? Here's the thing. No, here's the thing. My wife and I started dating in early 2019 No, an early 2010 right when this was sort of starting to come out

and there was a moment in American culture. There was a mania. You were talking about it like Alec Baldwin said like in the streets you'd kind of like you hear about this movie

you even said it Pete. Oh my gosh. You know what it was. It was the predecessor. Am I using the right word here? It came. You know what preceded this is what I'm trying to say.

The predecessor to this mania, that mania that you're talking about, also a film from IFC. The Room. No. Donkey Punch. You and the, I don't think Donkey Punch don't have a moment. No, Donkey Punch definitely had a moment, dude. What was that in 2006? Something around there, 2006, 2007, maybe.

The LA8 aughts, I would say. But, like, Donkey Punch wasn't, like, wasn't, I don't think it had a conversation like this. Listen, listen, what I'm saying, Chris Cabin. Sure. Okay. Most contrarian film. I'm listening. I think you're the contrarian.

No, listen, it's totally true. It's totally true. Donkey Punch had to crawl so the human centipede could run, my friend. Okay, all right. Donkey Punch was 2008, and I believe it's about Donkey Kong when he finally gets Mario.

Gets him alone. Oh, my beautiful face. Oh, you're killing Luigi. Sorry, the quote on the Donkey Punch poster is the sexiest most shocking thriller of the year. Whoa, the word sexiest is used. Yeah, okay. But no, my wife and I started dating in 2010 very early on.

And it was just kind of where, you know, you're going on a couple of dates. You're feeling each other out. The moment of human centipede had arrived and she started talking about it. And it was like, it'd be pretty funny if we saw that in theaters. And it is the first movie that I saw with my wife. So then. And then obviously when the second one came out as a joke,

We went to see that. And then the third one, we got it. You're both secretly wanting to see it. Don't joke this. By the way, audience, the joke there was in air quotes. Steve Sadek's air quotes.

Yeah, it's just, sometimes you get into habits of things. By the way, I did when I went there was an afternoon showing for the first one. Wow,

seeing it when the sun's up. And I saw a dude, a dude came up to me that I knew from doing improv in a human centipede T-shirt. Oh, you fucking loser. And he was like, can you believe it?

And I was like, Can you believe what? Just that it's happening, that it's the human... Is there a religion around this or something? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you're a sexist. Yeah, I'm fucking great. You know, I avoid the Catholics and the Scientologists.

Somehow, Paul Haggis got me out of Scientology. But I'm a sexist now. I'm a total sexist. This is a Judeo-Sixist nation. No, no, I'm not a sex. Well, I am a sexist. But I'm also a six system. So the human centipede in case you want to know, listen to how.

Tread lightly. It's, I mean, well, you know, it's the premise of the movie, which is an evil scientist played by Dieter, Deuter Laser. Dieter Laser, yeah, oh, I'm playing Dr. Heiter. Peeu, pew. Deter Laser is like the one guy from... The discotheque. Exactly, yeah. You'd run his own discotheque.

Welcome to Dieter Laser. he uh no so it's an evil scientist that kidnaps uh three people sews them together ass to mouth is the only way you can put it and creates a human wants to create a human sent to peace it's four people well yeah the other everyone's like it's about that poor truck driver right but also he was just he was just an aborted experiment like he didn't even go forward with that guy i think it was a thing where like their is it a thing where they have to have the same blood type. Yeah, you're too fat.

I cannot make a human centipede with a fat. He didn't want a super fat centipede, like a fat head with a little body, you know? Oh, sure. I mean, if there was ever something to fail a test of, it's the human centipede test. It's just like, you know what, dude? I'm sorry.

He won this movie by being killed early. He's kind of the Gary Seneas in Apollo 13. He's guiding them from the mission control. Ash, no, no, no. Your asshole is too big. You will not do in the human centipede.

I'm sorry, Kevin Bacon and Tom Hanks. I just, I'm not going to be able to go to space with you and get my face sewn to your asshole. I never had the chicken box. Listen, whatever they have in that centipede, that's what I need in here, okay? That's how we're going to bring them home. Ed Harris is in the front.

You sew that ass to that mouth and you get those boys home. That is how that's the untold story of Apollo 13. That's how they got home. Right. Yeah. Math calculations be damned. You were sowing asses to mouths, dude. That's how they fucking landed that sucker.

Houston, we got a gross problem up here. I can't believe this is happening. This is it. And this might be the shortest episode of 2019. Let me say this about this movie because it's fucking abhorrent. I hate it. This is the second time I've seen it. I will say the opening sequence of...

So it's like Dieter Laser is sitting in his BMW. Yeah, it's my BMW. Looking at pictures of like the dog centipede that he made. He's like crying over these three dead Rottweilers. I kind of want the animated prequel to the dog centipie. A Rottweiler centip seems unstoppable. Animated credits. Opening credits with the first dog.

Oh, yeah. Like we get a bird. Like Madhouse. It's like, oh, no, it's hiding my syringes. God damn you. It's the fucking... Why did they get so naughty one as the head? Oh, it's naughty centipede.

Alvin dog. Oh, Alvin Simon and Theodore. Great name for human Rottweiler centipedes. The Photoshop on this picture is so terrible. It's the fucking worst. But I will say, so after that, this truck driver pulls over, this hilarious, like this, his poor truck driver he's trying to take his shit on the side of the road b y o tp by the way good for him

he's not going to risk uh you know poison sumac leaves or something but so like this dude is pulling over he's taking his shit and the sequence of like Dieter laser you see him out of the car and he like whips open this like orson krennick jacket he's got this rifle yeah it's actually like kind of well done it's the one positive thing i will say about this movie this movie is fucking terrible. That is a well photographed and executed sequence. I mean, I think what the problem is again, it's just there's no tension in the movie.

There's no movements really. Like, he wants to make a human centipede and he does. Exactly. That happens in minute 31 and then you've got an hour of kind of dicking around. Well, it's to show you that you can't really do it. Yeah. Well, it's kind of like when a superhero is trying to get his powers under control.

Yeah. And like, you know, he or she is training using their powers. Yeah. That's what the majority of this movie is. him being like, all right now human centipede. Come on. Let's walk through the backyard. Wait, so in this scenario, is he the superhero or the human centipede this? No, he's like the shield agent. Got it. You know, and like human centipede is the superhero. Gotcha. That would be amazing if Samuel Jackson, the whole Avengers initiative, right. He's recruiting all these people at the end of each movie and he's showing up. And he's like,

we got a problem. And it's a human, the only way to defeat Thanos was a human. Right. So they have to, They have to fucking sew Ironman and Thor and the Hulk all together. Hulk has to be at the back of that line, dude. Are you kidding me? Hulk is like this fat guy. Yeah, you get poisoned. Hulk was too big. He's invulnerable.

You wouldn't be able to sew in one way or another. So now it's Black Widow that's getting sewn in. Yeah, I see. So my question is, so if this actually bring this into the Marvel universe, which is where humans and rightly belongs, first of all. Are you listening, Kevin Feigy? Why don't we get some acquisition money together? I was smoking a joint in the middle of the woods

and there was a centipede. I was like, what about a human set of me? Say. You know, I met this guy named Horace Six, and he was telling me about his son. And he just had a wham-smacker of an idea. Oh, Marlphill, Phase 6. Oh, man.

Yeah, you've officially run out of ideas when you hire me, Tom, Sier. No, but in what we're calling the Snap or I think in Spider-Man Homecoming or far from home, they call it the blip. Yeah. Would, what would have? It would be amazing if you don't know when human centipede one takes place. I know where you're going. And the middle girl, Lindsay, disappears out of nowhere.

And, like, do you know, it's like, the fuck? And, like, the two of them kind of run away, like, Benny Hill kind of experiment? Because nobody knows. She just disappears. I thought you were going to say, what if the blip happened? Everybody kept on asking, what happened to human centipede? Oh, yeah. Everybody just forget.

Oh, my God. They come back. They're like, oh, yeah, man. When is human centipede? Was that, was that any good? Hell, yeah, that box office sensation, right? Human centipede? Yeah, Hawkeyes, like, yeah, my family disappeared.

But, you know, before we get to that, what happened with human centipede? Jeremy Renner runs into his farmhouse. He's checking his DVD collection. They're all still here. Final sequence. Yes, final sequences here. I do want to say, just because people are like, Is he, I'm not a super fan.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not. I, you know, I didn't say of what. Of the human centipede. I just want to be clear, we hated all three of these movies, but it was just, it turned into a kind of an ironic fun tradition between my wife and I. Please don't put me in jail. The only, now every Christmas. The only joke is your view of money.

Yeah, you could have at least bootlegged it. I will say, we were looking up the box office receipts on human centipede parts. three, which I did see in theaters. Yeah. It was $14,000. Yep. Yeah. Which means, like, me and my wife are, like, about 1% of the box office of that, roughly.

New York City prices, am I right? So what was that audience like? Now, the first movie, I can forgive some people for going to. Because nobody knew. Yeah. How could you know? T-shirt guy. T-shirt guy, I think, is the biggest mystery of this conversation.

Yes, this was, T-shirt guy was in part one. When you saw part one? part one. So this guy, wait, so it's one of two things are happening here. One was this guy bought a t-shirt and wore a two movie he was seeing for the first time. Or this fucking loser was seeing this movie for at least the second time in the theaters because after the first time he liked it so much you bought a t-shirt. Do you know which one it was? I believe he had not seen it yet. Even worse. It was just sort of he was a fan of the moment. It was like, oh my God. I'm going to go. I'm not a I'm not a big fan of wearing the band t-shirt to the band I'm going to see kind of a guy.

You can't be doing that. So you can't be wearing the human centipede shirt to the human centipede movie people. Did they think like K-Rock do a fucking screening of it? Where did he get this shirt? You can't just buy those things. Was it homemade? Was it like Sharpie on a white t-shirt? It looked like it was screened printed at least.

So was it like did it just say it in text? Oh no. I'm sorry. I should explain it. It was a black t-shirt with the white. the drawing of Dieter Lazer's diagram up. I was joking going to ask

if that's what it was. But whoops, turned out that was the truth. Did it have the title on the back? I mean, I'm not looking at this guy's back. Was it 100%? Was it 100% cotton?

Yeah. You did check the tag. You didn't look at his back. No, no, definitely not. Tumble dry low. The hell is this. So, I mean, we're just going to talk about T-shirts.

This is going to be scattershot at best. We move on to the protagonists of the film, which are Jenny and Lindsay. That's right. Lindsay is kind of the lead. Jenny is kind of the kind of her foil, I guess you'd call it. And they are very specifically like, and I saw some reviews like, oh my God, they're so annoying. But like that's how they're written. They're like very like, quote unquote, they're vapid.

Yeah, they're not characters kind of, you know. They're just like a. One should be brainy. One should be wanting to want to get with guys. One could be like wanting to do X. One should do Y. Like, you know, this is the problem with this movie is there's nothing before the centipeding pretty much. It's like I need to know.

I don't really know why these two girls from New York are in this weird fucking European forest. Right. But all Tom Six wants you to know is that they're ugly Americans on tour in Germany or on vacation in Germany. Other Americans are the word. They're like, we're doing it's a big Euro trip. But then we're surrounded by ugly Germans until we eventually get to the detectives because then that... Who are the two worst police officers in film history? This creepy fat dude drives up in like a Mercedes and says like, oh, row down the window, I want to jerk up on you.

This guy, that's a whole hour. That's an hour of the podcast, whatever that guy's deal is. But yeah, like another friend didn't make it on the trip. Good for her. Man, when she reads about that on the news, she's like, wow, did I... I'm so glad. Another Gary Cines, quite a few Gary Zinesis. So glad I finally got the chicken pox and couldn't go to Germany.

But yeah, it's like them. They're going to go to, to Eric's point. Yeah, I agree with you. It's Germany. Yeah. They're like, oh, I think Jenny meets a guy and a club and they're going to go to a club later. They're driving through the woods. Like, where is the, where's the fucking road?

You have no idea of spatial relation in this. The name of the club is the bunker. So I'm assuming it's an actual bunker in the woods, probably. Yeah, it's a sex club, I guess. It has to be, yeah. But she's doing a weird thing, though, where it sounds to me like she's talking to the front desk of this hotel. And she's saying, and this is like 2009 this movie's made. And she's like, yes, I'm wondering if you could give us map directions to this club we'd like to go to?

And I was like, what, what year is this supposed to be? Is that it in the past if you want to go this way? Not word directions, map directions. It's very different. Also, call a cab. One of you is going to be, at least one of both of you are drinking, right? Like, why are you driving in Germany anyway? This fucking, like, rented golf that they have.

And you're not in Berlin. Like, where the fuck are you? It's a flat tire. So just by a flat tire sets forth your life towards a human centipede end. You are only one. Well, actually, in America, you're one flat. tire away from a human set of feet because there's no social net no absolutely not socially no but also like oh man we're stuck in the middle they do get a flat tire they're complaining to each other like it's important

to point out here though they are on a paved road yes just keep that in mind for a minute or two from now i would just fucking run that shit into the ground it's a rental car i paid the insurance yeah you can still drive on it it's gonna fuck it up but whatever you'll get to where you need to go just walk who cares if it's raining. I know she's got like heels on and that was one of the complaints about the idea of walking. Take that shit off paved road. You can put your feet on that. Come on. Exactly. Stay on the road. It's the easiest thing in the world. Why are you going into the woods? That's the point that I was going to bring up there on this paved road. Just walk back the fucking way you came on the road. They cut and it's like they're in the middle of the woods and they're lost. But we have to mention the

pervert guy to show up. So we're going to get to the pervert hour. Oh, right. Lindsay, is this, are those headlights? I don't know. no Jenny are they that's like the dialogue yes and two of them are back and forthing Lindsay and Jenny yes it's fucking laughable and now this pervert guy comes up he rolls down his window they roll down their window because they're like oh you know maybe this guy can help change the tire or whatever sure and he goes I've got a whole new video of you at home now I was like okay this guy's probably just being rude yeah sure he's a rude guy or right yeah but horny video of these specific two girls.

Yeah. What are the odds if he did have that? That's like meeting a celebrity. Exactly. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, shit. I was just listening to your podcast earlier.

I have a horny podcast of you. Horty history. Oh, yes. You run in, if you run into Alec Baldwin and Tom Six having dinner because they're best friends. Yeah.

Of course. You'd be like, oh my God. I have a podcast of you guys on my phone. Thank you very. much. I have a horny podcast to you guys. The, yeah, well, no, so the old guy, yeah, he says, I think I just saw you in pornography.

Yeah. This is all in German, by the way, so they don't even understand what he's saying. We've got some, some, some subtitling here. And then he's just doing like that. Yeah, he's fucking like licking his fingers. Because at first they're like, what is this guy's deal? Is he being nice? Is he not being nice?

We're in Germany. Again, why you don't drive in Germany on a fucking dirt road or wherever the fuck you are? I just said, we didn't get subtitles for I want to know what he means by that. Oh, Chris, actually, you lived a year in Germany. How many human centipedes did you encounter? I'm going to be honest, only four. Only four. Okay, and

I only saw the making of one. Where were? You went on the human centipede tour. But do you see them like in the market and stuff? No, it was like the, you know, those old... It's a living. Those old operating theaters. Old operating theaters. You drop a junior mint in one?

Welcome. the human centipede factory my name is stephen i'm going to take you on a walking tour first we're going to deeter lasers first experiments in human centipedry hands inside the car while we're doing the tour you know honey while we're in germany maybe we should get these opera tickets oh i oops it was an operating theater instead so now all your mouths and assholes in the car at all times you don't want to be a centipede do you oh and also a Put your headphones on if you want to hear tales of the first human centipede back in the old days.

The speaker's broken in it. Oh, shit, honey. You know, I thought I got tickets to Pagliachi. Turns out I got tickets for us to see a human cent to be made. Honest mistake, dude. Honest mistake. Could I have anybody. Should have double checked it.

I know it's our anniversary. And let me see. Oh, yep, no refunds. Looks like we're going to have to bite the bullet and just go see this happen. Well, aren't you a little curious anyway, right? Sure. I mean, we have the tickets.

Yeah, it's like not eating a deep dish pizza in Chicago. You know what I mean? You go to Germany, you're going to want to see. I mean, I have to wear a tie to the restaurant. I don't know why I wouldn't wear the tie to watch the operation. It would make sense. Being overdressed for the creation of a human centipede, how embarrassing. some guy next to you a t-shirt jeans where are you going afterwards looks like someone thought he bought opera tickets you'll get those people at the opera too in new york you know these tourists that show up that or the old people that are bringing their own food because it's such a long day like that is you will see some egg salad sandwiches if you go to the met my friend you know what you'll fucking smell them too buddy don't even worry about it you won't even get eggs you will get egg salad in like a tupperware with a fork egg salad and they'd

put fucking deal in it like savages. They just open that container and everything is contaminated instantly. All the fucking sopranos up on stage are vomiting. So this guy like offends them,

freaks them out. They're all up the window. He's nice enough to drive away though. Yeah, he's just a pervert having fun. Where was he coming from and where is he going? Great question.

I guess he prowls at night. Which is like, why didn't this guy come into play in the film later on if he's known to like go around these roads? It should have been like the fucking gas station attendant in Texas chainsaw massacre turns out to be the fucking older brother in the cannibal family at the end of the movie. Oh, this guy that we encountered at the beginning of the movie is also in on. Yeah, I thought he was a scout. That was like, oh yes. I was like he was a scout. Like he just goes in a circle around those blocks and jerks off to whoever happens to be there. Sure. I mean, what you're describing

her stories that have beginnings, middles, and ends. I know. And this is just a human centipede. That's it. Tom, I'm going to ask you an important question. What I was just describing was a story. You chose to bypass that

and just have someone make a human centipede. I made an event. It was a historical event. And the second one feeds on the first one and the third one feeds on the second and the first like a centipede. I met her. We were very well received at San Diego Purr Fest.

I just, I mean, and that's a thing. So, like, they go, they get out of the car and they come upon Dieter Lazers. I'm going to say it, really nice house. Amazing house. I really into the house. I would love the pool. I would love, even the ceiling is nice. And it would be nice to have an operating facility.

The sound. Amazing. He got the best in Germany for this shit. I will say I could do without all the conjoined twin art on the wall. Not a big fan. Not a big fan. Painted by one Tom Six. I'm also a controversial painter. Yes, this is Splitsies by Tom Six. I have it hanging in my, my boudoir. And this is the poster to the boss baby next to Splittsies. my gallery here is mostly just anti-art there's a new thing going on

Untitled Dead Baby 6 was a real turning point for Utah I just I mean the house is really nice It's a great fucking house An indoor pool you'd very rarely see But you really can't do laps And it's got a weird shape to it

You can't really do laps in it What are you complaining for? You can just hang out I don't know if you'll hang out in that pool I will hang out in that pool Yes, yes. I would want a hot tub at that point. Get it like a little floaty.

I will take a nap in that pool if that's the case. Okay. I don't need to be swimming laps. I want a little room. I just love the notion that if you came across a house and you could live in it, and you're like, well, I can't do laps in the pool. Nope. No sale.

Get me out of here. So, Deeter Laser answers the door. It's raining. It's cold. They've been complaining for a while because it's literally the only, the 10 lines of dialogue each of these poor actresses have. One of which, by the way. Oh, wait.

How about all the... That's a lot of lines. That was all improv. Oh, okay. You know, I encourage improv on the shit. If you want to move your left arm of your right arm or muffler noise, God nuts.

Whatever the mood strikes you. I told that Japanese guy just yell at me in your language and I'm going to translate it however I feel. Side effects of human centipede include butt mouth. Apparently a lot of, which actually is a credit against Tom Six. A lot of the Japanese guy's dialogue was improvised. He was like, just go nuts. Oh, was so like he didn't even write.

What did he write? Did he have a fucking cute card? I think the script to this movie is that drawing. Yes, I think so too. It's the first movie to be fucking put into production based solely on the existence of a doodle. doodle here's my doodle yeah yes

when you're thinking about the horny movie look at the picture make sure you're thinking about the picture the shit is going in your mouth out your bottom

the I will say so I watch not only do we watch a human centipina movies all the time my wife and I watch a lifetime movies they're basically the same thing

yeah did Lifetime do a remake of this no but Ashland what's her name? Ashlyn coming up. Yenny. Ashley Nieny

was in the Lifetime movie The Wrong Neighbor. I'm going to show you the picture of this. Dude, if it is her fucking mouth sewn to some dude's asshole, I'm going to be very upset. And I'm going to try it. Just you tell me what this movie's about. And also at home, look up the wrong neighbor lifetime. The wrong neighbor is the name of it? The wrong neighbor.

Okay. That's a picture of an older man. It's Michael Madsen. That's Michael Madsen. He's looking not good. And there's like a kind of frayed picture half torn and underwater. I'm going to say he drowns a family. Okay. Yeah, there's like water here. Are you going to bark all day, human centipede?

Are you going to bite? So, yeah. So the wrong. Yeah, it does look like he's involved in aquatic crime. Oh, I just noticed someone is swimming in the reflection of his sunglasses. Is he a swim coach? sequel of Aquaman where Michael Madsen's an evil swim coach I like a camp counselor

but he is a swim coach okay but he's just a swim coach he's not the antagonist nor the protagonist the girl and it's about Ashland Yenny of this movie is like a crazy psychotic lady that's trying to break up his family so he's got nothing to do with the movie no he is just basically the younger girl swim coach

he's like yeah she's doing okay she's got to do more swimming and like that's He has, like, two scenes, it's amazing. It's great, actually, because that, he really distilled, like, to the essence what it's like to coach swimming. Yes. You want to get better at swimming? You got to do some more swimming.

Well, this poster, it is amazing because he's, the sunglasses, the hat. Yeah. It looks like his collars kind of up a little bit. It looks very mysterious. You would think he is the wrong neighbor. Yeah. His name is, credited as coach Jaws Jawors. He looks like the Unabomber in this.

He does. He's, well, he's learning a lot from Seagal here, I think. Because Seagal will do these movies where he is the entire cover of the thing. Well, you can only de-size so much shit on photo show. Well, yes. He's a wraparound on the VHS. And like, but like he's in it for four scenes, like two at the beginning, two at the end. What movie are you talking about?

There's a couple of those. All those movies he's filmed in Russia. Actually, just a new human cent. You know, I'm not a big human centipede guy. But human centipede, Michael Madsen is the front. Seagal is the middle. Tom Seismore is the end. And it's called Big Fat Human Zed.

It's a lot of very loud mumbling. It would actually be great there. They're all motorboating each other's asses. Because the two most annoying talkers would be the ones that had to button up for the movie. Yeah, totally. I could see that. And then I just listen to Michael Madsen's fucking garbly smoke voice. Get your ride

Part 2 for the Dieter Lazer report Oh yeah I'm going to be in a new film It is human centipede But it's a big fat human centipede Poffal Like you being Begging in Morris code

To Michael Manson Not to get Burger King Like What's that Another Impossible Whopper Come up No no Oh, it looks like I'm going to get the whiskey shits.

So they go, they're in his house. I hate this. Eric might resign. They go to his house and he's being creepy right off the bat. And again, I do think like it's without him, there's no movie here. But without actual Dieter Laser, having a presence even at all. Right.

It's, it's, it's, he is the house of cards. Right. And if you, if you haven't seen this film, which is good for you, thank God. No recommend for me. Yeah, avoid it. Yeah, we're not even going to bother at the end of the end of the episode. No, no, no, no, no, no, just don't watch it. This Dieter Laser fella is like if Udo Kier was like a stretch armstrong,

he stretched them out a little bit, make him longer. I had Udo Kier made it with Lance Henriksen. Oh, I like that. And then they, one of them birthed this thing. Because Dieter Laser does have. have like Lance Henrickson's like facial makeup, like the cheekbones and the chan and whatnot. A skullhead.

We call it a skullhead. Right. He would be, you could put him in an alien's film and you'd be like, all right. It's like right before Red Skull has the accident. He could like fight a pumpkin head. Like it would be like Hugo weaving, but then Red Skull and then in the middle of the graphic effects, they just put in a picture of Dieter Laser. Wouldn't it be something of like Red Skull was doing this? Like it would be

something. This is clearly Nazi science. Yeah, I mean, give them a philosophy. Lean into Nazism if you have to. I mean, they say, I mean, like, you'll read literature. Today I'm reading on. Did you say literature? How many young adult novels are they writing? I meant the Wikipedia article.

I was like, oh, it's heavily. I thought you meant medical journals. It's heavily about the Holocaust. This, and the other thing, I was like, yeah, but it's not in the movie. Like, if it is. What do you mean? It's about the Holocaust. His name is apparently Dr. Joseph Hider is a mix up of three different.

including Mengelah of Nazi scientists, da-da-da-da-da, the fact that he takes a Japanese person and to... Well, shouldn't he be working with him then? Yeah, that's really good point. I guess he did make him the head. Yeah, that's true. He gets preferential treatment. It's just, but like, it's not in the movie, to Eric's point. Like, he doesn't have a philosophy.

He doesn't have... You might as well just say fucking space balls is about the Holocaust. What are you even talking about? Well, fucking Wikipedia. I would argue space balls is more about the Holocaust than this movie. Absolutely. Pizza Hut's first name was Goebbels. Oh, I see.

Pizza the Goebles. Gerbils the hut, dude? Because Gerbils, funny enough, also ate himself today. Yeah, that's true. And he was delicious. Apparently, he was made out of cyanide pills. You know what we're going to take a real hard look at this. This might be behind three pay walls.

I don't know. I don't think this episode is coming out. Oh, okay. Oh, is this the lost episode? Oh, that's something. So if you're listening to this, you're not supposed to be. But like, so he brings him and he's being creepy immediately. He's like, are you alone?

And they're like, yeah, man, we're on. He's like, come on in. And like, they get in. Oh, by the way, I hate human beings. Oh, that's right. Here's some water. Yeah, that's a great line. I hate human beings.

Because she's like, oh, you have a beautiful house. Do you live here with your house? No, I hate human beings. I love Rothweilers. And the Santa Piz. Can I be the one to make the phone call then? Yeah. Could you not do it and I do it?

I mean, I know phones are complicated. Yeah, I hate human beings, but I'm pretty good on customer service phone calls. You would have to be. That's because he does. He goes, he's like, you know, I'll call the motor service, whatever, you guys hang out in here. And he's not even, the cool, the kind of good thing here is he's not even, like, he's so beyond. he's not even trying to be reassuring. It's almost campy, but it's not.

But his performance on the telephone does seem trying to be reassuring because it's not real, right? But he's actually seeming friendly with whatever quote unquote phone operator he's talking to. He's just talked. That's what's kind of,

it's an interesting move. He's in the other room, like getting the water that he's also like putting hypnol in, by the way. Which he just has in his kitchen? Yeah. Sure.

You ever have it with toast? It's fucking great. You got to put it somewhere. Salt pepper Rehipnel I guess he's He has it in a shaker When you decide to make the human centipede

You're just putting Rehbnail all over your house Just in case You never know when you're gonna need it Okay Yeah He's not even like He didn't pick up a telephone He's just like talking in the kitchen

It's kind of an interesting Little detail It's like a cutaway to like the Frasier kitchen Like all the sudden And they did that It's like a couple of fake phone calls Did happen in Frasier I remember because like

you're just, we're in this living room for a long part of it. And then he's just in there like, yes, bed batting beyond this toilet paper holder is insufficient to my needs. Niles, what are you doing in here? You're making Maris into a what?

Niles, tell me if the Sherry's as good as it is coming in me as it is coming out. Old dad is looking good a picture of three fucking Jack Russell Terriers sewn together and he's crying. Eddie, Eddie. and Eddie. Ed and Eddie actually

Cartoon Network television. But he's seriously string together all the crane boys, you know? Yeah, oh, totally. The dad in the back, I think. Yeah, I think Niles is the middle. I think he's too old. I don't know if you want to...

Too old. Too old to begin the training. You think his ass ain't like pumping out fast enough? I would put him in the front just to give him the least amount of work to do. That's true. And John Mahoney has the best voice. Put Kelsey Grammer in the rear

because that tush can definitely work over time. He's a, you know, big, big guy in a good not like in a obese way but like no no he's like a strong solid guy is a formidable bottom he's a boss as the tv show would let you know oh that's right the boss boss boss he uh so he's I mean and again this is like there's tension in this scene there's a scene here they're sitting there like this is the best scene of the movie yes like the only kind of interesting part of the movie was the phone call yes and he's just like doing this thing oh man this guy's up to no good you You do have that moment of like, oh, your body, you're kind of like, you don't know where it's going.

Like your stomach's dropping a little bit. There's a bit of dread here, you know, like kind of sort of. Yeah, maybe a little bit. And, you know, the girls are like, we should leave, we should leave. Or Lindsay wants to leave. Jenny doesn't because Lindsay is the smart one. Jenny's a not so smart one, I guess. After the Great Poupon incident with the pervert, I, like, I'm really not leaving the car until daylight.

I will deal with what I have to deal with but when daylight comes when everybody can see everything then maybe I'm going outside so Jenny passes out because she drank all the water Lindsay spills her he fucking freaks out about the spill

which is funny and then he just like goes in the other room and gets something and fucking injects her with it apparently in this sequence Dieter Laser who is the first sequence was in character in quotation marks the whole time accidentally struck the actress here,

the other actress, not Ashley. Jesus. And like it's struck her. Like in the commotion, like was so in character. And like everyone got freaked out and they stopped filming for a little while. Because he was so in character. For the human fucking centipede, dude, this is not there will be fucking blood, my friend. Yes, I took notes from John Casavetes and his crew who were always very dedicated to being a character.

Here's your fucking inspiration. It's a picture of Victor Frankenstein. Eat my ass. Don't be in character. Come hang out with everybody else. This is just a $9,000 movie. I feel like this dude, though, and I don't know him personally. Sure, sure.

He's probably weird, though. Yeah, I think, yeah. You know what I mean? He's probably a fucking weirdo. Yes. Probably. I mean, so it's, he can be doing a fucking credit card commercial. He's in it.

In character, like it must be. been great to be his family, huh? Oh, his family. Coming home from that. Yeah, so he knocks him both out. Yes. Next morning, do you catch this little bit of co-winky dink here?

No. Deeter Laser is seen sitting at a kitchen table. He's opened a huge can of fruit cocktail that he's eating just like, we're talking about the Shining episode. Yes, that's right. Yes, yeah. He's, we're talking about who could eat a huge thing of fruit cocktail as an adult. Turns out it's weirdos who make.

human centipedes. Grosser than anything that's going to happen after this in my in my view. I mean, there's just so much fucking corn syrup.

Huge spoon just slurping it. And he's like burning their identification. Like that's kind of what he's doing. All that stuff. Yeah. And he comes back downstairs and there's the three of them.

It's the two, Ashley and Lindsay and Jenny and this third truck driver guy who for some reason he's the only guy that gets a gag in his mouth. Well, because I think he'd probably probably already been up once before

and he was hooting and hollering. He was saying stuff though. He was running his mouth earlier. Yeah, this is very offensive what you're saying to me. I'm going to gag you now. He kept on giving me spoilers for lost. I'm not hearing the smoke monster.

La la la la la la la la la la la la la. I fucking told you once already stupid truck drive. I'm only in season two. We've only gone up that fun. They won't release the DVDs here. Ah, no, I did not know Mr. Echo was killed by the smoke monster.

Thanks for nothing. It's odd a dream? A death dream. You're fucking lying to me. You know, you're making me so mad. I will not make you part of the human centipede. You're disqualified from human centipede for spoiling lost.

But he is disqualified because a tissue, whatever, no match. The girls are screaming. And he, I mean, look, this guy, I would, if I'm in a human centipede situation, this is the guy I want to be. He gets put down like a dog. Oh, blissful death, dude.

Absolutely. Hold on a second. You wouldn't want to be the doctor? You're always arranging human centipede's screenings. That's one more step. No, wrong. Eric, wrong. That's wrong.

You know, the one thing Alec Baldwin and I can agree on is that the human centipede is a terrific film. I told Eric not to fast forward this one. I told him to go slower. Make it slower. Rewind it. Rewind it. Rewind it. I need to see what the Trump White House is screening.

Because you know all those presidents have a screening room? Sure. Watch movies. What is Trump watching? It's the later seasons of Married with Children. I'm watching Married with Children DVDs in my No Man T-shirt. Well, you know, a lot of folks are talking about this human centipede that's out during my administration.

Figuring it to the bottom, oh, oh, no, turn it off. Turn it off. Wait? Nope, turn it off. Thought the kitchen scene was pretty neat thing. Like that one. Pretty nice looking house. Doesn't look like I could swim laps in the pool, though.

I wouldn't leave that car. Because Lide Hussein. Obama hated the human centipede. I hear by name it, movie of America. Movie laureate Tom Six. Yeah, so he puts this guy down and like he's screaming through the gag. It's kind of a,

it is sort of a horrible way to go though because he gets a bunch of air. Oh, is that what he's doing? I thought it was, he thought he was like some sort of death injection situation. I mean, it kind of is. He puts air into the IV. Yeah, terrible way to go, but much better than becoming part of a human center. Yeah, still preferable to be being part of a human center.

And this is a Tom, I think it's probably a budgetary thing or just a lack of foresight. It's a budgetary thing. You need to show how we get the other guy. That's a sequence. Yeah. You need that sequence. This movie, it's a blissful 91 minutes. God bless.

You know, thankfully. But seriously, it's just, you could. just have a similar scene to how he gets the truck driver at the beginning of the movie instead we just cut and like he's dragging this Japanese guy

out of the back of his car Katsuro is his character's name this dude's been in a bunch of Sion-Sono movies oh really? Yeah, at least a couple I think and he was on heroes for a bit or something or an episode of heroes

and this guy's like pretty good but the problem is like it just the language barrier actually makes the movie kind of irrelevant because neither of them can understand each other it doesn't make any sense but it's just

Just now we got Japanese dialogue for the Japanese audience. Now we got German dialogue for the German audience. Now we got American dialogue for the English speaking. You know, you keep that up. You might get up to 300 people that enjoy this movie. You really might get it. That's the idea, I think, is he's trying to play to all those markets. Wait a minute.

I was not told that the human centipede would have subtitles. Someone get me someone to dub this movie. Turn them off. Turn them all off. this movie is globalist I made a huge mistake but like maybe he goes to a club and catches this guy or something

another location I would kill for yeah please it's only this guy's house it is maybe he goes back to that hotel or something gets like the night clerk it just like you know what I mean like I just need a thing because like any tension would be good because that's what a horror

movie is about the one thing yeah the finger thing means the money Chris is doing the finger thing, to be clear. I will say there is a... Thank you. There's a hilarious, like, two-second bit before he gets this dude where he's burying the trucker in his backyard.

Like a dude, dog. He's dressed like Jerry Seinfeld. Did you get a look at this? It's like a fucking, like, white t-shirt tucked into a pair of dungarees, and he's just wearing these sneakers out of nowhere. This dude doesn't dress like this for the rest of this movie, but it's just like his fucking body-burying outfit.

What is the deal with centipedes? They're not human. But they should be. What if a human become centipede? Have you ever noticed that the middle part of the Schumann centipede is always the most complainy? Even though it can't speak. Come on, guys. Yeah, he buries this dude in the backyard.

I think next to the dog, the Rottweiler. Again, show me the Rottweiler. Let's see what that looks like. That's a, here, that's a problem because it's either CGI, which you don't. don't have, and you probably don't even have money for a bad puppet. Yeah. Puppets would be great in this. Not even that. I just want to see him working up a sweat trying to get this big guy in the grave. It is way too easy. Yeah, like you would hoist him up. You'd have to get like a pulley system. Also because this operating lab, we're shown, is in the basement of this house. And there's

like a spiral staircase that you have to go up. Come on. Why is he even burying anything? Shouldn't you be like dissolving bodies or something? Oh, that's a good call. Yeah. or like an incinerator. We do see that he's like got a fire going. He should feed the fat guy to the human centipede. Oh. A cannibalistic human centipede. Yeah.

I like that. That's like almost chud. That's like you got the C in the age. Chicha. Not chud. Chicha. So he explains to them now that he's got his team together. He's brought the Avengers to.

together. You are the best of what you do. And now you are together for my team. And, you know, this is when he explains that he, uh, was the foremost scientist in, uh, removing Siamese twins. But he had this idea to make a triple Siamese twin, which is actually a human centipede. This is, which is actually medically a human centipion. Thank you. You have to call him in an ocean of terrible dialogue. You have him say, Siamese. his triplet, also known as the Human Centipede First Sequence. He says the

whole title of the movie. It's like saying, oh yes. I don't know, Luke. It's like it's episode six Return of the Jedi. I couldn't believe. Of course he's going to say human... Yeah, like of course he's going to say human centipede. You are not getting out of the film Human Centipede without someone

saying Human Centipede. The fact that this dude immediately follows it up with first sequence is fucking great. Dad, I'm Indiana Jones and this is the last crusade. This is when he says it, it's part of his PowerPoint display. Dude, and he is using an overhead

projector like you are a math teacher in 1998. What are we doing with this thing? This is quite a mission impossible fallout. Column fallout. Oh man, that movie could have used a human centip. Now that I know Alec Baldwin's a big human centipede

head. You imagine he's like talking to like Simon Peck. Have you seen this movie? Simon you, as a horror guy you would love it. You could do like Sean of the Dead Two human centipede. How about that?

Christopher McQuarrie. I'm a little hazy on the plot. So John Lark is stealing this stuff to do what exactly? Have you thought of a human centipede? No, I haven't, Alec. You could tie Tom together. Let's see him get out of that one.

People buying tickets. Under advisement, Alec. Yeah, he wants to do all his own stunts. Let's see him do a human centipede. Trained for a year and a half to do that. Well, you know what? Let me bring it to Tom. Picker up, big boy Scientologist.

Then bring it to Tom. Let me bring it to Jim, Jeremy. Let me see. I will see. If it gets me more screen time, I will play the bottom. I'm game. I'm an ambitious actor. I don't know how Simon is going to react to this.

Edward, just listen for a second. I'm playing like a boss tweed Trump kind of guy, right? You're already butchering this book. But it's motherless Brooklyn, but I'm making a human centipede. Robert Carrow's the human centipede. Yes.

What if I'm at the... What if Simon's at the top of the human centipede, but then he removes a mask and, uh-oh, it's Alec Baldwin. Oh, I love the idea of the mask coming into play. Yeah, of course. It's mission impossible. You've got to get the mask involved. Marty, I have one of the most famous lines in The Departed where I say,

God, I love the Patriot Act. What if, instead, my character says, God, I love a human centipede. Now, I know, Marty, I'm fighting Leo about Pan Am and the Aviator and all that. And instead of the way of the future, it's the way of the centipede. The way of the centipede.

Now's a samurai movie. Marty, have you seen the human centipede? Marty, have you seen the movie? This is filmmaking Marty. You don't have to tell me twice. I'm putting it in my criterion label. You see that centipede up there? That's centipede's with my wife.

I don't know if this is good for anyone. This is awful. This is not a released episode. If you were listening to it, this is part of a hack. So he gives this presentation on an overhead projector. It doesn't go over terribly well. I mean,

I think with a presentation, you want to give some snacks to the audience, maybe. Yeah, like a couple of bottles of water in there, some fruit, anything. A folder that has some supplementary materials.

Also, it's hard to really hold an audience's attention when they're handcuffed to a medical bed. Certainly. Big problem. Yeah, it's all in the execution. He really just fucked it up. You know, just a little pizzazz.

Some stickers, a banner. Some glitter just throw it in the air. The racing stripe on this human centipede looks pretty sharp. Everyone look under your desk. You're all human centipedes. You know, the racing stripe gives me an idea. Why didn't he, he should develop, like, clothing for it?

Like, give me a jumpsuit, like a big jumpsuit. I'm into a jumpsuit. Well, that doesn't show the titties, which obviously Tom Six is way into. He teases those breasts, though, man. Meaning what? For a while, because for a while, the movie is pointlessly covering them up.

If you're sitting there like, well, you know it's going to have nudity for no reason. Let's just get this over with. That is what we call tension. It's very important to the picture. Obviously, you'll never direct a human centipede film.

Oh, Mr. Fatman on the internet thinks she's better than Tom Six. well you never spoke to Alec Baldwin on a podcast oh my god anyone is better than Thompson so what happens here she escapes somehow

I forget like he goes away to do something he gives a presentation and it's coming up tomorrow human sent she like breaks out of this bed and she gets a gash on her arm because she rips the IV right out and that's like you know

it's a blood something horror and then we get this sequence of her it's sorry to say sequence we get her running around this house the word sequence it's just i hate it now it's tough it's a it's a band word it's terrible and it's like this is suicide town if you cannot get out of here she goes back down like they're running around the house yeah like scooby-do go to different doors and the Dieter laser loses side of her she goes back down to the operating room to save her friend commendable She's trying to drag this body. Dude, it's not working.

Slit her throat. Slit the dude's throat. Everyone's good. Do me a huge favor. Find the most, wear any electronic in the house and do a cannonball into the pool with it. That's what you want to do.

Cannonball! Oh man, you're making me into a what? Okay. But no, I agree with her because she goes in the pool. She does run around his house all over it. She winds up at the pool room

and she's like, wow, this is pretty nice. You can't do laps in it, though? Can I not do laps in here? I don't know if I'm going to buy. You don't have any floats? It's just this. How am I supposed to nap in the pool if there's not floats? Is there a sunroof where I can get some tanning?

No, okay. Also, the move, by the way, like you know this dude. You already sat through the timeshare presentation, okay? You know that this guy's hell bent on making a human centipede. If you get out, he's not just going to kill them. He already replaced the truck driver. He's going to try to replace you. run into that fucking Bavarian forest

and fucking find somebody. Find the goddamn police. I bet that pervert might help out. If he's not in on it with Dieter Laser. Now, if we all invest in this human centipede, we can use it at different times of the year. So, for example, you come, right? It's like October, okay?

And then I come and use it in February, all right? And that's called it timeshare human centipede. Now, Alicia, when is your anniversary? Perfect. That's an off time. Sent his share. Look, I promise you, after you're a human Shentipede, you will get two

tickets to Great Advantage, Six Flags, Great Adventure tomorrow. They're right here. You can see them, but you have to sit through the whole presentation. They're not closer to it. They say VIP. But yeah, so she falls in this fucking pool. She's in the pool. This is an interesting moment.

He's got this Trank gun back. And basically, he's making all sorts of promises to her. Look, you know what? When I had my Rottweller, I realize that the middle position is the worst, which it is because you're getting, literally getting it from both ends. You're getting two surgeries, not just the one, and

blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's the surgeries that you're finding about. Well, yeah, but it's also the thing. But also, it's a little bit of an honor. It's clearly the most important part. It's the part that makes the whole thing work, man. Well, that middle

section of the human centiped really tied the room together. And You know, he's like, and because of all this, I'm going to make you the middle. This is your mistake, lady. And he's got this trank gun. He's trying to get her. He kind of gives her some room because he knows that she's got nowhere to go. Well, that's what I was saying was the interesting part of this scene is like,

if someone's stuck in a pool and this person like has a gun on you, you know, it's a nice bit of, I mean, you know what I was doing? You know that she's going to be made into a human centipede, so it doesn't matter. Start drinking that pool water. Yes. Yep, absolutely. Just drown yourself as fast as pop up up that chlorine. Exactly. fix this asshole. If I know I have no way to kill this guy and or do anything else, yeah, I'm just like, I'm hugging the bottom of the pool. I'm grabbing something as hard as I can. Get your hand like stuck in the filter that's on the bottom and just do it. He even does this thing. It's got this really cool pool cover, which I really like. Again, this thing is a nice house. Motorized pool cover, not too shabby. And like she goes under it and I'm like, this is making it easy for you, Lindsay. Just now that's it. Well, perfect. You got your friend out of there. You dragged her out. Bring her into the fucking

with you fuck up his whole plan because if you've got two left you can still make a human mule Yes and you're helping the Japanese I am making a Wait a minute

This movie I'm directing's about what I'm having a three way with what Listen I've been I've been listening to Alec Baldwin's podcast and I don't agree with the politics But I do agree with the human centipede love.

If there's a new listener, this is now a Clint Eastwood impression. Just, you know, it's not Al-Alewold. They're clearly different. Yeah, I understand. Clearly, question. Yes, I wrote an original song for the human mule. It's called As to Mouth. It's on the piano.

It's just jazz piano. Actually, that would be great. if it was human centipede scored by Clint Eastwood and it's just a little noodling on the on the old ivories class it up a little bit ass to mouth we were left ass to mouth and actually

it's followed by it's a follow up to his earlier 70s movie any which way but human centipede oh right yeah they were experimenting on monkeys in that one right so it's Clint Eastwood and then three monkeys tied together and they're going on adventures, beating up biker games. Come on, Clyde, Clyde and Clyde.

That's Clyde shitting into all other Clydes. Sometimes those monkeys just make, like, fart noises with them. Yeah, that was what I was kind of. Oh, this is, like, famous. I got what Steve was trying to communicate. But also farting. Yeah, also. They would do that too.

So what the fuck happens here if the power goes out in his house? The power goes out and he starts yelling Scheiza, which means shit in German. Nice, nice catch, dude. No problem. Nothing but insight. Glad you were here. She tries to get out through like his bedroom, which has got a big bay window situation. And she's like knock it through this glass.

And oops, there he is. He looks like what's his face from Animal House at this point? The guy who is in. D-Day? No, not D-Day. The guy that... Natermeyer. The one that wears the long coat and like is...

Stork? Oh, he just died kind of recently. The Will Forte movie is based on him, right? Yes, he was the dude from... He plays Stork. Oh, he looks exactly like Stork from Animal House. He's got these big sunglasses. He shoots her with a train gun, and now she's out.

And this is when we see sort of... And I mean, like, that's the weird part of this movie is it's... And this is where it's torture porn to its... Doug Kenny. Doug Kenny. to its utmost because it's not even so much gore. Like you don't see the gory parts of the surgery. Thankfully

I mean you see some it's not pleasant but so much of it is about and all of these movies in this time period which I think now we're in this sort of prestigey horror kind of world where we got your hereditaries your uses your get outs people who aren't me call those movies

heightened horror elevator or elevated excuse me but in the in the it's stupid it is stupid, but at least there's like an element of like thinking to them. Whereas these movies, your, your saws, your hostels, you're this. It's just about people sobbing for help while they're in pain and they don't get any help. And that goes on for nine minutes. And this is like

people who used to criticize like slashes for this kind of treatment. Like like Friday the 13th and whatnot. It's all just human. But man, it's yeah. You didn't know where we were ahead. And this is just so much worse than anything. And it was quick. Like, they cut away. Like, you would get a big scream and then they would run away. This time it's just screaming for a whole minute. You got, dude, you got to close up on a woman's eye and there's tears in it because she isn't so much pain. There's so much, like, runny makeup crying in these kind of movies.

And the girls have to cry out for daddy. Yeah, oh, sure. Or mommy. No, I want my mom. Oh, she does. She's crying for mommy. Yeah. And I mean, like, that's what this is.

It's just to give weird people hard on this movie's genius. I'm Alec Baldwin WNYC My 16 year old wife Had to go to bed for this I had to put her right to bed I might wake her up And make her cry

You know What is with Because he kind of has Like a hunting uniform Yeah Because he's wearing the orsyncranic jacket Again right here But he also like

We stand here in my achievement He it's raining out side when he shoots it with the dark gun. Tarkin's trying to take away his centipede. Oh, the Lord Palpatine will be very happy with my human centipede. He's wearing

riding boots, I think is what you're getting at. He's like sunglasses. Oh, yeah, the mirrored sunburns happen after he gets bit, which is sort of something. I mean, again, yeah, you're not going to be able to bite me now. But that's the thing, I mean, like, it's kind of, this movie reminds me

of remember in the itchy and scratchy the movie episode where Bart can't see the movie is very upset and he's like well nothing is nothing could dwarf the imagination of a young boy and it's itchy and they just shrug their shoulders it's like human centipede

that's what the movie is and then nothing else happens like there's literally like he does not Tom Six does not know what to do with this human centipede right it's it well there should be some type of end game I guess this scientist just wants to see if it works,

and that's not that interesting. No, it's not. Like, put that in an anthology movie or something. Yes, like if this movie is nine minutes long, it might be creepy. Right, or like 20 tops. Yeah, you could put this as like a creep show segment. Exactly.

But like he's clearly trying to treat the centipede like a dog. Yes. Like he's like, I wanted to fetch my thing. Like he's trying to replace the newspaper. The dog centipede. He's trying to replace it is what I got from it. Why not get three more dogs and do it again? Yeah, like, you just try

Rottweilers. You haven't tried like corkeys. I mean dogs, you got to like fill out paperwork or you buy them. They're harder to catch. Humans are easier to catch. That's true. That's true. Dogs do not get flat tires quite often.

Dogs aren't offended by perverts really usually either. It is around here. So he does the surgery or he's about to prep for it. And this is where he goes outside. He sits next to the grave. Oh yeah. Of the dog. And there's this little monument there.

And it just says, my sweet three dog. Yeah. And he does a surgery. My favorite part of this movie is when he is, he has like post-human centipede depression because like it's like it's they're resting because they need some time to heal, which should be a lot more time to heal or just they would die on the,

whatever, you know. For I wept because there were no more human centipedes to make. He's just like kind of puttering around his house. He's got like big glasses of whiskey. he's wearing killer like white crocks in the operating room too. My favorite part is when he dresses up in a suit to get

the construction guys over to replace the window. Oh, right. He's just like drinking. He's just standing there and that's a scene in the movie. Yeah, a scene in this movie is this dude just getting a window fixed. And yeah, he's just, and that's kind of the thing.

I mean, I'm wondering if he has a drinking problem and if this is just a barbed gone wrong. oh you can't do it you can't make a human centipede get out of here Dieter here comes Dieter talking about this human centipede um this is somewhere around it so they're like it's like recovery time and this is where he's like laying on the floor next to them and he goes oh my sweet centipede i did laugh out loud at that it's so stupid it's so stupid he follows right up immediately with i did it yes and this is when he shows them he's got this big mirror. He shows them. And he's

looking at it himself. After he admires himself in the mirror and starts making out with the mirror. Yeah. He's kidding. Nice touch. That's a nice touch. You know, my neighbors just got this humongous mirror delivered the other day and I was like, what the fuck? They fucking show and centipedes themselves.

They're making centipedes. I couldn't believe it, dude. It's, you know what? What? Big mirrors? That's a suspicious thing. Is it like a long mirror? Or is it you think there's going to be a ceiling situation? It was like three. long panels. Yeah, dude, they're watching each other.

They're putting it together. That's how you make up mirrors. Are the mirrors attached ass to mouth too? Yeah. Yeah. Edges of mirrors can double as asses or mouths. It's a wild card. It's a housing.

It's the property brothers and they make housing centipedes. They're not part of a set of them. Hold on a second. The property brothers, you think there's two of them, but there's a third, which would be a perfect middle. Oh, right. Property peed. Welcome back to property peed.

Those guys are annoying. I do the demolition. Let's get started. So we put a bit in for the operating, the house with the operating theater in it. They came in a little under, though. Yeah, well, there was effective damage. They're specifically dead

of the foundation of the heart and yeah, I was like that an god damn and I hate this. I really never want to hear the word centipede ever again in my goddamn life.

And it's just a montage of the property peed fucking doing the militia. And hey, now the house looks worse. Welcome to your new house. Mm-do-nam-b-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-hmm. Yes, the doors would look better if we had the use of our knees,

but yet it can't after my dude. What with us being a human centipede? It's kind of tough to get in and out. And since we couldn't stand up, you have the same light fixtures as the previous sound. But the bottom two feet look amazing. It's going to cost another $10,000 to make this house human centipede accessible.

It's just terrific. Baseboard, dude. That's all they got to. But yeah, so, I mean, again, this movie totally stalls out. It's him. He's in the, he's in the yard now, and this is where he's, like, trying to make the the Japanese guy fetch, which again is really uncomfortable. You know what I mean?

Like, it's just a weird move. It's a whole, like, it's a montage of training. Yes. What are you saying? No, but racially, it's odd. You know, it's a white guy, you know. Making any human grabbed your newspaper with their mouth. Yes, it's true. Yeah, it's true.

Especially one with two humans attached to the ass. Steve, you know, I don't think Dieter Laser sees race. He just sees peed. I just look at you and I determine whether or not you can be a centipede. How dare you make this about race? It's a human centipede. That's true. Yes, true.

We are all a human centipede. Yes, all human centipede lives matter. You know, Tom, watching your... film The Human Centipede. I was struck with the title and how we could all come together as a human species. And that's what I believe you're getting at with if only mankind could be sewn

together. That's our reading, yes. I definitely read this as a commendation on the Hands Across America movement in the 80s. Sure. That too. You think Dieter Laser watched us. He's stealing my

idea. Oh, that's all great. Thanks a lot, Jordan Peel. I guess the check's in the mail. Before us, there was a movie called The Human Seney. People were tethered ass to mouth. But to your point, Eric, I think a jumpsuit would be really sharp in the situation. And then I wouldn't have to see like the weird, phony mouth scarring.

Yeah. That weird, like, staple gun look. I don't know. It's like a twisted fun house. bad like horror whatever. I will admit I want to puke my guts out when it gets infected and he's squeezing pus out of it. It's like, okay, I'm watching a movie.

Yeah, that's all really bad. I'm looking at these scars. They look like a fucking bad Joker Halloween costume or something you know, or something you'd find in a Rob Zombie movie. But it's weird. Green pus, man. I don't like it. They do. Each centipede piece has like a bandage

kind of underwear situation. That's the thing is you have to watch these fucking dudes and ladies in, like, diapers. Yeah, and like, even the back piece, which wouldn't make a whole lot of sense. Either they're all wearing clothes and, you know what I mean? That's the thing. The back piece, she's just should have had a pair of jeans on.

Or like some fucking cargo shorts. A cool lot of skirt would be nice. A snuggy. A snuggy would be good. And also, yeah, what's a temperature like, guys? I mean, it's kind of chilly it looks like. It does. A cape.

Maybe a cape. Well, see, that's what you do. Dude at the top, he's just got a t-shirt on. Right? And then lady in the middle, cape or how about a beach towel? Just something to drape. Yeah, just a little something. They could have very at least like Donald Duck everyone, right? Yes.

Shirt, no pants. Exactly. Yeah, that's a good point. Like, even pre-surgery, just leave some t-shirts on. I mean, you can get a blazer on one of these pieces. I agree with you. I was to say a shirt might be difficult to take on and off. But yeah, maybe a performance vest would be nice.

Right, yeah, a vest or a cardigan. but am I made of money yes apparently you don't do anything you just hang around the house making beads dude are shaving up for the peed that's why I eat canned fruit every

morning that's true he is on a budget he's got a fucking killer house and he's making all these peeds man he doesn't have time for any other extravagances oh do you think he's still got a mortgage on this house absolutely to pay this thing off man the property brother screwed him on the deal

for breakfast canned fruit for lunch and dinner top ramen well he's me in college right up to making the peeds too

dude yep big peed head back in college and he does not know what to do with this thing right it's the newspaper

scene happens then later he's he feeds it dog food right so this is the the Japanese dude bites him in the newspaper

thing and this is I got a laugh here because this is he comes back with the boots and he starts going bite my boots bite my boots and i was going buy my book but this is when the question the big question mark over this whole movie is like is this dude aroused by this concept or what this guy's got to be jerking off constantly

he has to you either make the movie right or you don't make it this guy is definitely getting sexually fulfilled from this thing you should be fucking it too yeah or it's something right or masturbating or fucking or like it would be that doesn't come out to the second one Eric it's actually to Eric Chris's point the second movie is much more disgusting and much more unwatchable because of the sexual element yeah but at least it sort of makes sense could you uh okay expand on that no in terms of like the motivation you don't want to hear this fast forward 30s okay so why is there but why is there a sexual element in the second movie I don't know because he fucks the son of Pete he fucks the guy the guy the move the second movie is

basically about the guy you know the second movie is about a guy who works in a car park who is a car park look at you I don't know he's obsessed with

the movie the human centipede like it's a meta-cominter I'm getting self-reflective and he's like it's also kind of like it's kind of like that poor dude that I met that had the t-shirt it's kind of a movie about him a little bit it is yeah it's just but it's about

coming out of an improv class. And then he's, he's making a, he's making a centipede now, the dude you met at the theater. Oh yeah, he's, well,

the guy in the movie's making a 12 person centipede. He's probably, 12? Yes. You got to go bigger, go home. But I mean,

how about five? Five, you know, 12 people. Yeah. The guy, you're making it four times the size of the original.

Okay. So, and then he's, is he fucking just the last one? It splits in half and then he fucks one of the sides. Yeah. It's like, It splits in half.

Because he doesn't do it right. He's not a scientist. He's not a surgeon. Fucking parking lot attendant. It's not a world famous surgeon. But like could you, like, first of all, it's hard enough to kidnap three people. Could you imagine kidnapping 12?

I don't even remember how he does it. You know, what does he just steal a bus? No, he's just knocking people out in the car park. But fucking human set of, human set of speed. Yeah, well, I'm taller. I'm not. I'm 12 people at all. Hey, I'm Dennis Hopper now. You better,

if you don't have 55 people tied together, we're blowing up the bus. The car park guy just sneaks up on Jeff Daniels. He turns around has that look. Man, that Jeff Daniels look. That look still haunts me to this day. Well, it's like,

Mother. Yeah, totally. It's great. Oh, no. But yeah, I mean, like, the second but I mean, like, yeah, he just doesn't have any motivate. Like, what is his end game? Or, like, if he's taking photos of it, if it's like, oh, everyone back in Berlin will be eating their words when they kick me out of the academy or some. It's got to be, it's got to be fucking anything. Human torture academy or whatever this is.

No, it's, I think it's just to replace the three dog. But even that has to have a reason. You got to, you have to tell me why we're jumping to people. Yes. Yes. You're going from Rottweilers to people. Dude, you got to, you got to say something. This isn't a character.

like yeah i mean like texas chainsaw like you know that they're eating people which has a function like it's disgusting it's weird blah blah blah they even kind of don't they say something about like the meat went bad or something and they just something well it's a whole thing about like they opened like a new slaughter house and like they you know it's their like business was affected blah bitty blah and that movie is as disturbing as anything has ever been made and those those people are like economically distressed at yes they've got a reason to lash out at strangers this guy what what is his deal exactly Or, like, maybe he hates people. Like, just tell me anything about it.

He does hate people. He says it. Well, yeah, but. Or, like, and the other part of this movie that doesn't happen that could and should is there needs to be scenes of just the human centipede, like, dealing with it. The three of them, maybe they kind of form a, like, I said, worse code. They're communicating. They're writing things out.

Like, hold each other's hands in solidarity, I guess. And, like, they're sort of, like, they're helping the Japanese guy, like, the woman in the middle's, like, tapping the Japanese guy in the shoulder and pointing at shit so like he kind of starts to do it but the movie's just like so bad at this point that I don't even care I'm like it's too little too late I don't give shit about any of that but like yeah if like if they could

somehow communicate about what's going on or maybe there's flashbacks or maybe these detectives that are going to be super important we watch them and they're like more than two scenes they're piecing it together they're like what where is this guy if anything it should be their movie yeah totally give me the detectives trying to find missing people

and they stumble upon this insane Ooh, true detective season four. After the human centipede. Yeah, human chenipede like a flat circle, brother. Yeah, I'm going to drink 48 beers and tell you the story of the human centipede. That human chentipede's still going to be in that room. And there's going to be no escape. When a human centipede gets long enough, falls down on the floor.

It becomes a flat circle. Woody Heraldson is watching this movie just screaming in the houseboat. I'm with you, dude. I'm with Woody in this situation. That would make my wig fall off. Yes, I am the yellow king. Oh, yeah, dude. But yeah, I mean, like the middle,

this middle part of the movie is nothing. It's just a bunch of training scenes. There's the closest it comes to him getting, like, sexually aroused or whatever. He's, like, swimming nude while they're, like, standing on the side of the pool. That's, like, that's it. That's as close as it comes to anything like that.

Yeah, and that they try to escape. appear and then you do hear him beating it. Like it, he's like he lets them go. He hits them with a riding grip. He's not beating it. He's not beating off. No, no, he's beating them. And he's riding it. Isn't he also? Does he ride it? Yeah, I think he

like, doesn't he sit on it? No. I think I just watched this morning Stone Cold Sober with a cup of coffee. No, maybe it was one of the other ones. Yeah, now you're just mixing up these brilliant sequels. They're all very brilliant. By the way, Tom, if you ever go to make a part four, I'm just saying

I'd be available. He, so we can talk a little bit about his new movie, which is not released because nobody cares. Yeah. The Oneana Club or whatever it is, the Onania Club. Yeah, whatever the fucking... Alex Baldwin on this podcast is like,

you know, Tom, when you invite it... Because they've been talking. They've met each other at some festival. I bet they did. And they're buds or something. We actually screened part three at the Hampton's International Film Festival, of which I'm on the board for.

You offered me two times to be in the Onanii Club, and I really thought, about it, but my wife wouldn't let me be in the movie. Does he say that? He says that my wife wouldn't let me be in the movie. Now, that's the move there, hilarious, Baldwin, absolutely. Well, Tom starts screaming

at my daughter and we bonded over that. That movie is because it's never going to come out. I really don't think. Actually, one last piece. The Alec Baldwin interview came out last year for no reason. He's like, coming in early January, 2019, the Onani Club.

Nope. Did not happen, Alec. It appears to be from the IMDB photos and plot summary about women who it's basically like an all female version of crash. But instead of getting off to car accidents, they get off to like tragedy. So like the photos are like women like group masturbating in front of like watching 9-11 footage. Okay. You're really saying something in the Onania club. Wow, you know, my wife, if she was old enough to watch the movies,

I promise you, she would have been really into it. His wife isn't like 25. Yeah. She's like just kind of below age appropriate. Okay. She's not like a college co-ed. Okay. Yeah, so all the yada yada of this training.

So these two fucking cops finally come to the house. Fucking fuck. Woo! You're screaming. And these dudes are like, hey, so. There's like several abandoned cars in the area. People are missing. You know, by the way, sloppy as fuck, doctor.

Totally. Cars around. Dude, you've got to figure this shit out. You're a fucking idiot. We got a car. No, seriously. Like, I'm sure the fucking truck guy, everything was just laying in. Oh, he definitely didn't move that truck.

No way. He can't double clutch. You need a Class A license to move that truck. Oh, no. I might be evil, but I am German and I must follow the rules. I do not have the license. I'm unqualified to drive this automobile. Yeah, we got a call from Helmut the Pervert.

He says that there were two pretty girls here. Where are they? There's a weird thing where he says they have a witness who heard... This is weird. We have a witness who heard an American girl screaming. I was like, what? You can scream in different accents, I guess so. Well, I guess she was just yelling in English or something.

Oh, yeah. But like, give me this. that. Give me the witness. Make the witness part of the movie. I want to see. Give me shots of people peeking through fucking blinds going, what's going on out there at that fucking laser house. And hair lasers,

dude. Oh, wait, do you mean the, uh, uh, hair lasers, laser removal. Hair laser tag. We don't do laser tag here. It's only human centipede. Get your children out of here. We don't do it. It is only human centerpiece. I should have never put that ad in the phone book.

No, that's lay sick. Lysick surgery. Not laser. Lay sick. No, no, it's lay sick. Yeah, like you lay down and I get sick with you. That's fucking twisted. Yes, that's what we do here.

A great introduction to these cops would be, right? Like interior police station. Yes. Someone's walking carrying a fucking, you know, manila folder, right? That's money. Can't do that. Oh, police station? No, that's money.

Extras play. police officers, that's money. Police parking lot. My God, I will take it. You know, the folder plops down in this dude's desk. He opens it up and it's, oh, mine the God. You know what I mean? He's fucking disgusted about it. What you're describing is a movie.

Oh. Wherein, like, you go to different locations and things happen. It's like fucking clerks, dude. You don't even need a police department parking lot. Go to a Staples parking lot and pretend like, they're undercover cops or something. My girlfriend sewed 37 guys together. Yeah, I assure you, we are open.

We're not even supposed to do here today. Fuck, fuck, mother, motherfucker, fuck. Mother fuck, motherfucker, motherfuck, moirf, noits, noid. Yeah. Is that a human centipede, man? That's beautiful. What do you want some Mexican fuck maserica? All right.

said to Pete, you have to behave because I am playing hockey on the roof. It's a salsa shark. We're going to get you to a bigger boat. What do you mean she fucked the dead truck driver? Yeah, her fucking body fell out. I mean, like, but that's the situation we're in, man. Like, yeah, just a police station

should be fucking gorgeous. totally but it doesn't happen it's just these two big fat german dudes who are the best part of the movie by far oh because they're comically bumbling yes and they're like hey man can we come in your house by the way he's in the middle of uh he's giving them a physical and he realized that jenny who's in the back is going to die this is the the blister popping yeah that's that's fine we can we got it but that's what you realize that she's going to die yeah yeah oops i have a call at the door and this is kind of like a fraser episode like, oh, they can't find the human centipede in the backyard or whatever.

You know what I mean? Like he's running around an open door forest. Dad, keep the door closed. Oh, Lilith. But, yeah, so like, whatever. These guys are like, yeah, people are missing. What is this enormous cage for? Which is a great...

Oh, right. And he doesn't even say anything right here. You just have to be like, oh, I had some Rottweilers and had to put them down. You know what? I will give Detail-Laser or Dr. Joseph Heiter, the character credit here he knows his rights he's like hey man they're like can we look around in your house and he's like now you don't have a warrant and i mean like i'm with him i'm you know

in this one instance i'm with him there cops can't just look at your house well you get human centipede or no exactly that i might have a human centipede i might have a joint it's like there's well i mean thank god he's in in europe right now because there's so many reason probable cause reasons oh yes for sure because he the one point he brings out water Yeah, and it breaks and he flips the fuck out. He's acting weird as shit. Yes, he's not keeping his cool, man. Exactly. He's fucking freaking out.

And then he goes away for like 20 minutes to get a towel. Yeah. Which is just him checking on the fucking peed, dude. He's checking the peed situation, right? Making sure that's all still right where he left it. But also, I mean, this is like peak stupidity for these fucking cops because he comes back with the towel and he's trying to clean up all the glass. and he fucking drops everything and a huge

a huge fucking syringe falls out and the cop's like what's that and he's like yeah if it's diabetes it's my insulin and I was like what are you did you see the size of that thing it's for fucking elephant

yeah so fucking shoot up dude yeah you first pal you brought the fucking thing out yeah insulin you brought your insulin out go use it exactly we don't want your blood sugar to drop buddy inject that shit right in front of me show me a prescription pill you know yeah

So we're a prescription. We should mention it because it's one of five plot points is when he's giving them water, he's roofied them again, and that's when the one guy drops it and he gets pissed. But the other guy is drinking it. And he's like, you have to come back. You know, you've pissed me. After the insulin bit, he's like, you've insulted me so much. You have to leave my house. You know what?

Finish your drink and leave my house. Finish your drink and leave my house. Finish your drink and leave my house. You finish that drink. Well, because they're saying like, you know, we can come back and get worn. it's only going to take 15 minutes. And he's like, yeah, you do that. Yeah, you do that.

Here's what you do. You fucking, you use a telephone. Yeah. And you sit there and watch this creepy phone. Or there's two of you. You know what? Helmut goes there. Eric with an H sits down and deals with it.

You know what I mean? And the fact that only two of them come back. They're like, I think we got to, they go. They go, again, a movie I want to see. They go back. It's like, yeah, Judge, we might have a human centipede situation. I know we told you the last time that it was the last one

I think we got another one And you know what? Can we get like three more guys To come back with us? You know what I mean? This guy's like kind of threatened us with needles There's a huge cage It also definitely smells Oh and by the way Tommy over here He's been roofied and he's kind of being

Feeling that a little bit I think it's long release Ruffy Because like the other the girl Goes right out like this He goes back there comes back and then fucking lands on his back. Does he pass out? Yeah, he finally kind of gets him in the end.

They go away. Whilst he's dealing with the cops, the human centipede, the Japanese guy grabs the scalpel. Right. And so when Deider Leaser comes back to deal with them, he stabs him in the kneecap. Pretty good stab here.

Foot, isn't it? Oh, it's the foot then the kneecap. Yeah, it jams it right on the top of that foot. And you know what, dude, if someone has made me into a human centipede I am doing that scalpel is not stopping at the kneecap

I'm never going to stop stabbing that guy nope it's going to the genitalia for a long I'm watching the light leave his eyes and then more stuff is still happening and this is it's actually worse what he wants to do it's sorry no that's definitely going to happen well what he does though

is he he does what I think is the correct escalation was he starts biting at his throat yes right oh right but he doesn't like finish the job it's just like a little like it's a bad hickey like yeah he gets flesh out which is fine totally but no you know obviously no major art no he looks like a fucking 16 year old to drive it those eyeballs should those eye sockets should be empty absolutely gone it's just it's such bullshit like I'm sorry yeah you made me a human centipede I now have a knife and that's the end of the game I have a knife now ho ho ho I'm turning this guy into a puddle and then I

I'm dragging all three of us into the pool for the final dip. But no, he just, he just, he rips his, he rips a chunk of flesh out and now they have to deal with the stairs because the house is not accessible, which is bullshit Dieter Layser. It's unbelievable. It's not human centipede accessible. I can't believe it. It's not up to code. So that's, I mean, maybe that's what they're trying, getting a warrant for. Like, this isn't up to code. Maybe that was Tom Six's whole message was about, you know, housing in Germany is not really handicapped accessible.

that's the whole message that's definitely what it was. Yeah, in the sequel, there's a huge ramp coming out of the barn and you can do laps in the pool. So now we just get this

boring sequence of boring, I don't know, for me. It's boring and disgusting at the same time. Of us, the human centipede going around the house

and Dieter laser like crawling behind it because his legs are now demobilized. Yeah, the Japanese guys got a fucking LOL line for me

right here though because they go back into that room that Lindsay crawled out of before and he's got the curtains closed and they come into the room and the guy just thinks like they've hit a dead end

and he goes, why are we in this room? Yeah. And she pulls the thing open and she's like, it's the door, break the window, you know. So they're doing that. Deuter laser's licking their blood for some reason, sure.

Because it's extreme. And now this dude, the Japanese guy, decides to slit his own throat and it's like, dude, why didn't you do that earlier? Why do you that now? yeah it's this like like the doctor's right behind them he's doing this like yes an eye for an eye

and a tooth for a tooth and this dude's like he has got something where he's like yeah i'm feeling so guilty because i abandoned my family and the love of my children i'm gonna fucking stab myself at the start of the movie exactly let me understand these characters before they get there and also like yeah i mean like he's got a piece of a jagged piece of glass in his hand i'm suicides definitely on the table for me, but first I need to see the light leave his eyes. First things first, man. You know what it is? It's selfish.

Because middle girl is going to be left there. And he has to know that while he's doing it. Again, go to the pool. All of you go in at the same time and end all of this. Totally. It's like a Buzzbee Berkeley, like Hollywood's, you know, synchronized swimming number. You don't just fall in. Or at least cut your throat and then hand the glass back to her.

Do a passback. Exactly. as you're fucking choking on your own blood. He did a whole monologue about, you know, how he left, he's abandoned his boy or whatever. And his whole life has been selfish and this is all punishment for that.

But then he does, as you point out, a selfish act by abandoning these two women to die on this carpet. And Jenny at this point is pretty much dying from, I mean, like complete malnutrition, which, you know, obvious. You can't just eat that shit forever. What was the end game?

It's got, it's like, because there's like gangrene going on. I think it's like sepsis. But to Eric's point, yes, the shit is not very nutritious or not the opposite of nutrition, actually. It's also not good for open wounds. Yeah. God, we just rub some shit in that open wound. Oh, gross.

The dumb cops come back and they're like, ha-ha, now we do have a warrant Mr. Mr. Mr. and this is when I do kind of like, it's the one guy, the other guy, kind of succumbing to the roofies. But he's kind of basically the hungover detective because he's just like, he's a bit sluggish and he throws up in the hallway and He's like, oh, man, yesterday was a mess. Oh, I thought he threw up in the hallway because of the smell. No, no. I think he's dealing with the fact that he was roofy. Oh, oh, okay.

That makes sense, I guess. And, like, also what could happen in this movie is somebody, like, the human centipede gets out. And, like, people have to deal with it. What is the situation here? Or, like, even this detective is like, oh, my God, a human centipede. You know what I mean? Like, that would be. Holy cow.

Exactly. But he does it. He looks. He finds it, he goes, and leaves. Yeah, because he's looking for the partner again. He goes into the pool room. And what is the situation here, though? Because Dieter Lazer's like leaning up against the wall

when this guy comes into the pool room. And then you see the dude is dead in the pool. And Dieter Lazer's got the gun. He's got something happened, which you didn't see. I totally don't understand what's... I love it when the end of a movie is off screen. Yeah. Again, like a movie that is devoid of action,

devoid of movement, devoid of anything. There's a scene where a guy gets somebody else's gun. That's something that needs to be in the movie. And so, yeah, this other cop comes in. Like, for the second time in 10 seconds, he's like, holy shit. And then Dieter laser shoots this cop in the gut. The cop gets a shot up, nails him right between the eyes.

Pretty good. But, you know, honestly, we need to see some stuff. Burn. You know. Anything. Yeah. But anything less than being pulled. apart by horses.

Really isn't going to fit the crime. She gets the old brave heart, man. The best you got. And so like those, so those two are dead. We go back to the room. The other woman has died, by the way, at some point. So that's the, Lindsay in the middle is left. And that's the end of the movie is we cut to the exterior of the house. It turns artistically into black and white.

We get these credits. And you just hear her like muffled screams as the credits roll. And the sobbing, dude, which is so cool. I love watching and hearing. people cry. Yeah. That's what I mean. That's horror to me.

That's totally horror. Tom Six. Now, what is your secret for making women cry? Because I've got my own. Do you like to call them pigs by any chance? I love. So one of the funniest things is the end of this movie.

I was checking for stingers. You never know. You never know. No, I just like watching credits. There's a special thanks. And the special thanks is so many people where it's, just their first initial and then the last name. It's like, yeah, please don't put my name on this.

You want to thank me? Maybe abbreviate my name in some way. I don't want to be thanked inhuman centipede. Just call me slim and I'll know it's me. You know what? And that's it. That is the end of this movie. Clearly no one is recommending it.

But I want to say, it is the best of the three. I was going to say, Steve said, like, all right, the two of you rank this franchise. It's one, three, two. Yeah, that's absolutely. It's one, three, two. And three is really bad.

Three has a lot of weird, it's like, it's like, there's a joking blowjob nonsense. From a porn star. Yeah. From a porn star. Yeah. Unsimulated? No, no, no. But it's like very graphic.

Very big and jokey. Yeah. So there's a blow job. Yes. Yeah. Now you're, are you telling me it's two peed or bipeed? No, it's just a regular person. Bi-pedal?

But it's like, it's like a bad. It's like a bad. dad joke. It's just like, it's like this weird, the sheriff's daughter is under the command of the warden so she has to give him the blowjob, but she's like kind of ditsy, if I remember it correctly, et cetera, et cetera. It's stupid. The second movie though is like, it's just grotesque. It's like the finale is beyond words. It's, it's purposefully off putting like to an extreme degree. It's up there with Serbian film. It's like in that realm. Where in this movie, actually like it is most of this movie

is as disgusting as it is it's all in your brain right you know you're sort of you're filling in the pieces as like you're not watching shit go anywhere you're not watching blood you're not whatever the second movie is all of them so they're doubling down on all the stuff you may have missed from the first one because the guy's a genius Tom 6

is a total genius oh my god that second movie and the funny thing is he did see the second he was like it's just where did you find a guy like that and he's like oh yeah I liked it because she big and fat. He's like, yes, he's very fat. It's just this amazing conversation about it. Can you hear Alec Baldwin realizing that it's a bad idea to have him

on this podcast like in the middle of the conversation? Oh, fuck. I've made a terrible mistake. This is the last time I watched movies in the middle of the night, high as a kite. Yes, I was hanging out in many cellars in apartment buildings. And that's where I found Joe. This guy's an actual parking lot of tent. that is the human centipede directed by cinematic legend tom six if you want more we hate movies

in where we're not talking about the human centipede check out our patreon patreon dot com slash we hate movies in celebration of october in this spectacular we have an episode out talking about stanley kubrick shining for we love movies uh that is on there at the five dollar level i will say it's not it's not it's not it's not grotesque yeah that episode is not outright goetest like this one was. So please check it out. Yeah, you're right. Alec Baldwin has not mentioned at all. At all. At all. No, I mean, honestly though, it's funny. I almost wish we could do

that episode again right after this because I'm so disgusted. I'm so repulsed. Well, we're about to record an episode of the Nexus, which is our Star Trek podcast, which is also on the Patreon. So that ought to wash the bad taste out of our mouths here. But next week, thank God. We're not covering Human Centipede 2.

We are covering a different horror film. Steve Sadek, what are we talking about? We are going to franchise town because we're talking about the original child's play. Oh my God. This is our live episode from Chicago, Illinois, recorded this past June. It was a great fucking show. So that's going to be a lot of fun releasing that. And that's it. I got to go take a shower. I think we're all going to go home and take showers. I have to say something. Add number two and probably number three to our list of things we're never doing. Oh, absolutely. Room and Burdemic now have good company.

I will never watch this movie again. I will never watch those sequels. You enjoy them. Looking directly at Steve. Oh, he totally is. Which is fine. I'm just saying, I,

you know what? Yeah, I don't like any of these movies. I want to be really clear about that. I don't like any of these movies. The big question, though, because on his,

like, in development, is human caterpillar, we're told, are you going to go see that in theaters? For your anniversary? No, I mean,

I don't. I don't think so. Special edition Blu-ray? Yeah, definitely. Isn't the two-year anniversary human caterpillar? I feel like we have to start dreaming bigger if they're going to keep doing more of these, like, human spiders. Yeah, or... You know, like, let's put limbs together and do Frankenstein shit.

I will say you get me into a situation, human centipede versus human caterpillar. You know what I mean? A king of the human monsters. Fighting each other a lot. Oh, sure. You know what? Honestly, give me the sci-fi version of this movie. movie and I would prefer it. Because there would be humor at least. Yes. There would be humor.

Yeah. And you can, a sci-fi, you can like forgive a lot of stuff. This is a little bit of a wink, a little bit of a nod to go a long motherfucking way. Absolutely. And you just get Ian Zering in it. So until next week when we are live from Chicago's Thalia Hall with Child's Play, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadeh. Chris Cavan. Eric Siskin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.