We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 450 - The Monster Squad

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

On this week's episode, the 2019 Halloween Spooktacular comes to a close as the gang chats about the good-if-you-saw-it-as-a-kid horror comedy, The Monster Squad! Why does the Fish Man have so little to do? Is this guy the worst Dracula in film culture? And is that true about Wolf Man anatomy? PLUS: So how many cast members from Everybody Loves Raymond have a sex tape? The Monster Squad stars Tom Noonan, Andre Gower, Robby Kiger, Stephen Macht, Duncan Regehr, Brent Chalem, Ryan Lambert, Ashley Bank, Michael Faustino, Mary Ellen Trainor, Jon Gries, and Stan Shaw; directed by Fred Dekker. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, I assure you, Wolfman's got nards. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Chrisenstein. Eric Squadska. And this is the Monster Squad, and we hate movies. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween.

I guess everyone's a title of one good scare. Sometimes. Dead is murder. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the Wickham Man. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick for fucks he's seen one too many movies. Now, Sid! Don't you blame the movies!

Movies don't create psychos! Movies make psychos! Movies make psychos! What's the fucking ocean in the bathroom? It's an excellent day for an exorcism. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the final episode of the 2019 Halloween spructacular. This is a series finale. We have movies.

That's right. No? No. The most of the month. It's the month finale. You got me the heart's going. What's going on? You didn't get a pink slip when you walk in the door.

I got one. Oh, I can't believe we have to handle this on the air. Eric, you're fired. That's true. I've been fired. I've been fired. Yeah, we are wrapping out. Rapping out.

Rounding out. Wrap it up. Definitely wrap it up before you put it into any, you know, of these creatures. Yeah, monster or squad. With the discussion here today about the monster squad from 1987 directed by Fred Decker. And before you ask, Steve, that's Decker.

D.E. Double K.E.R. It sounds like a fake name. Yeah. I mean, he's a blade runner. This is the movie was directed by a blade runner. He's a blade runner who could have just as easily swam into directing pornography with this name. That makes total sense because he did Robocop 3, which featured, I mean, that dude's like a

replicant. Oh, that guy's definitely a robot replicant thing. Robocop 2, not that bad. It's bad. It's bad. But it's fun bad. Yeah, that one's fun bad. Number three is just bad.

Well, no, I'm saying three. No, you said two. You said two. Oh, I said two. yeah oh no two is good fun and three is fun bad three is just bad two is Oscar caliber three is just all right

sorry I've only I mean I watched the first robocop and then one night we I think we all did watch all the robocops and I just remember the first one still I'll be honest with you got to go back to you got to Tom Noon Tom Noonan is in this movie he's in number two

I will say Tom Noonin seems like a really nice guy but yeah if you ever listen to him talk he's got this really measured voice and really quiet, soft-spoken. That makes them all the more terrifying. I am crossing the street if I see Tom. You don't want to see his bedroom. No, you just never want to

see whatever it is. Dude, fuck the bedroom. I don't want to see his garage. Hey, yeah, Stephen, you want to come over for a nice barbecue, some summer salads? You want to come over? Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Get away. Get away. Get away. Get away. It is so creepy. They should call him Tom Midnighten.

Because, you know, he's someone I wouldn't want to see. at an alley at midnight. Did you pull something with all that stretching? Yes, I did. My wife bought some spaghetti squash and I roasted it.

No! Yeah, you can come on over. We'll watch whatever your favorite movie is of my movie. Of my movies? He was perfect casting as Francis Dollar Hut, dude. Absolutely.

And that fucking monster from Last Action Hero. Oh, of course. And the creepy dad from House of the Devil. Great in that as well. Absolutely. I guess he's great here. I don't know. I mean, I don't know what movie he thinks

he is. He's in, because he's doing like the full on, like, he's acting with a capital A and no one else's. No. This movie also, you know, let's get this out of the way. This is a movie that if you saw it as a child, you have fond memories of it. If you saw it as

an adult as I did, you don't give a shit just like Goonies, which is also what this is. This is Goonies with Universal are monsters in it. Here's the difference though. I... Better song in Goonies, Cindy Lopper. Yeah, of course. I actively avoided this movie and actively. I just didn't

like the whole Goonies experience. A bunch of fucking rotten kids in a room talking over each other saying shit. Yeah, exactly. What is a podcast? I just couldn't handle Goonies and I'm not into that either. I will say as a kid, I definitely liked Goonies. I think I related to the fat kid. Sure.

being a fat kid myself. What was his name? Chunk? Chunk. Yes. Well, I think that's what it was. It was like the fat jokes made me on the easy as a fat kid. I was like, it's going to start coming. Like, if I watch Goonies in a room with anybody, they go like, hey, fat kid. And I'm like, oh, shit. Like, I'm watching a movie to escape and now I'm being bullied by the movie. Sure. The way out is through. You have to stare directly at fat kids all the time. Like watch heavy weights nonstop. Never watch heavy weights for the same reason. I like Goonies enough growing up, But this movie, I never really, I never watched until I was a young adult.

I don't know. Me too. It took a while to get to this. I watched. Oh, really? Okay, that late. I was pushing 30 the first time I saw this movie. And I just was not having it at all the first time I watched it.

And then I rewatched it last night. And I was like, this is better than I remembered. So I had a similar like better experience this time. I still, it's like, I might as well have been watching white noise on the television. Yeah. Literal white noise. not the film white noise. What's the, so I guess the synopsis is it's a bunch of kids

right that run a foul of exactly the entirety of the monster mash. Mine is no invisible man. No invisible man. As Chris pointed out earlier today, didn't have the budget for that, huh? Didn't have a budget for a hat to fall across the screen? Didn't that song mention like

Dracula and his son? Absolutely. There's the son. I've always wanted to know Dracula Jr., dude. I guess because you get to see him in bat form too. That counts as two. I've got to not count as two. It's the same person. If you're Chris Cabin with a T-shirt on and then you put a coat

on, you're Chris Cabin with a coat on. Oh, that's that's simplifying the matter. I mean, I would say if Chris Cabin turned into a bat, I mean, I would give him some extra credit. I don't know if I'd kind of as two different people. Hey, better Chris. Hey, I just got, what the fuck? So, yeah, they're these little

monster obsessives, I guess. Monsters of all kinds do. We're talking about Godzilla in this movie. Sure. Yeah, the Unabomber. Chowcchescu. I mean, I guess it's not Unabomber. It's, uh, who would be a monster of the time? Pinochet would be involved.

Absolutely. Ted Bundy. The aforementioned Chowchescu. Chowchescu, yes, yes, yes. All great. All great. All the monsters are there. Ronald Reagan.

Rupert Murdoch. Uh, and so these, these guys, as it turns out, these monsters come to their town in search of this gemstone. And this is where this is where this. movie I think loses me the whole gemstone and the vague like we're just going to unleash evil on the world I need a little bit more than that well that's the problem is like I think that setup is fine like hey somebody in some office is like get me your own goonies and like you know what I mean and like Shane Black and this dude Frank Decker or Fred Decker Fred Decker Fred Decker would like

okay we could do that oh we like classic monsters good old mix and then that they didn't do anything else. Literally nothing else. All you need to say is we will open the gates of hell. Sure. Just say hell. Exactly. That's all I need.

Hell on earth. But also, it's like a voting block will go to the other side. It's the way they describe it. They're like, the course of the world will go towards evil then. I mean, like, Dracula's not that. Exactly.

Also, it already did, but Dracula's not that great. I mean, like, what? First of all, the fucking. swiller at the murban gets just shot in the chest so i'm not worried about that guy you mean the creature of the black lagoon i apologize uh he's credited as gill man in this so excuse me oh yeah we're not licensing something no this was tristar pictures which i believe falls under sony that sounds right days and that shit's all at universal i think like dracula wolfman and um Frankenstein that's like public domain you know probably but black lagoon men might have been

wrapped up in universal he doesn't get the credit that those other three get he's kind of the he's always on the bottom he's like the least interesting character in this movie too and then the mummy is all right any old you can just anything's a mummy i'm a mummy you know it depends this will wrap steve up in toilet paper after this the mummy's ready for his mystical journey we push steve down a hill in a shopping cart to be fair there are bugs always popping off of Steve. Oh, yeah, for sure. Much like the mummy. I like the scroll, though, where it's like, oh, you know, 100 years ago, this and the other thing happened, Abraham Van Helsing had a chance to stop

this, but he blew it. And I like the font. I'm a very, very big fan. It's not a bad font. Yeah, I did like the they blew it joke. That's kind of funny. The problem is, though, then you have to see all of that. Yeah. And I'm like, excuse me, I read the scroll. Which is Abraham Van Helsing, like, yelling at a girl for like six minutes at that's the end of it. You can't be cut in Nathan. This movie is fucking like, what, 81 minutes? I could use the 90. I could use 90.

I'll be honest. They are padded in the runtime, too, because they didn't have enough shit to do. At one point, the mummy just shows up into a kid's fucking bedroom for literally nothing. Yes. It's like four or five minutes we're dealing with this for nothing. And then the mummy just runs out the window, which we don't even see the mummy going out the window. Two minutes of this fucking movie is a kid learned to speak German for the first time. Two whole minutes.

I related to that part, though. Sure. Yes, it's a hundred years before our story begins. Of course. Yeah, let's start in the vast. Yeah, and they just got to storm the castle. There is some fun Skellingtons around. Question about something going on in Dracula's castle here, though.

Anyway, catch sight of that Armadilla? I saw that on IMDB that's an in-ref to one of the older Dracula movies. They just had an armadillo in it by accident. Oh, really? That's obviously a nod to it. That's kind of funny. Only real heads know that the best blood is in armadillo. How do you get through that shell?

I'm sure Arbidola tastes delicious. Bottom first, I think, Jay. Oh, I see. Or maybe you just like pull it out. Well, those fangs, right? Like, you could pop into anything. He probably can, like, take a can of oil, like, you know, automotive oil and just Oh, go right through it.

Yeah, it's like butter. Knife and butter. So I guess it's kind of like the end of the Dracula story. Yeah. gets down to the basement. Dracula, you know, pops up. There's a little bit of a battle here. We do have the Brides of Dracula here at this moment.

There are Brides of Dracula. Dracula doesn't show up yet. He shows up on the plane. Oh, you're right, you're right, you're right. We're trying to open this gateway. All these, like, zombies are coming up from the floor. Fine. It's sort of fun, you know.

And then, like, Abraham Van Helsing gets roasted his own potard there. He gets, gets right. Now, he's in the fucking portal, dude. Right. He didn't expect to wake up a, limbo but now he is forever i think the portal is very cool and i do like it later on in the film and it looks like evil dead too big time and i was like what the fuck like what came first same year evil dead two in march right this in august you're talking about specifically like the end of the

movie ash getting sucked out of the portal right the car goes into it just like this the car goes into it at the end yeah totally i i just like portals 87 was a great year for portal oh you want ramy's portal. Oh, that's going to cost you. That's a lot of money. He knows his value. He's a young man. He knows his value. Well, actually, similarly, this movie started off with Fred Decker calling Steven Spielberger is like, hey, can I borrow it? And Steven Spielberg is what? And he goes, everything. The whole damn thing. I need a, I need a fat kid. Don't worry. We'll just call him fat kid, though. We're not going to call him chunk. That's a bit much. marriage. I need it prime and center. Absolutely. They're in counseling, though, at least this couple.

But he is incensed about it, man. Well, he's going to go. He's going to go until he gets a call. But he's a boiling teapot. He's about to kettle over. He's a hardened cop. Dude, they are hard to live with. Sure. Let me tell you. So they're in counseling like Count Dracula. It's not even close to the same. word. Where are you even going? You're playing with four similar letters. If you guys let me interrupt like two minutes earlier, would have killed. Sure. It would have destroyed.

Yeah. Count Draclusing. I'm trying to help you here. I'm on the back of the bike with you. I can't figure it out. Let him die on this. Mumbling out a joke is the best. So we're introduced to Sean and

Patrick. Sure. In the principal's office. Uh-huh. At a It's like, you're in this principal's office because you're also obsessed with monsters. I always kind of hated, I mean, this is the thing that happened to me in school a lot. Like, why can't I draw in class? Let's just sit down. You know, like, hey, look, if I failed a test, that's on me. Maybe I'll go to summer school.

Maybe I'll learn. I drew in class all the time and I failed the test all the time. Exactly. But that's on you. That's the lesson you had to learn. That's your business. Did they try to stop you at any time? No.

They mailed drawings that I did back to my mother, like, I'm going to mail it to her. I'm going to wrap it up and mail it to your mother. I'm like, fuck you. Wait, were you under the nuns? Well, yeah, well, it was Catholic school, so they were tough. You know, they don't fuck around. But, you know, come on, give me a break.

Yeah, no, that's not fair. I just trying to draw Wolverine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, molecules. All they're doing anyway is just teaching you do the test. So all they need to butt in on is when you're taking the test and whether or not you fail it. What did you do? Like, the third time you got caught drawn, they cut your eyebrow off and send it all. Eyebrow.

Yeah. Those nuns are tough. It's a random thing. I don't know. Do you need an eyebrow to draw? Well, to be expressive. Well, I guess eyebrows matter when you draw a Wolverine because you want to make Wolverine's eyebrows. Oh, you got to, that's where you start.

You start on the eyebrows and then you go out, build out from there. Everybody knows you start with the eyebrows. This one kid's wearing a Stephen King Rules t-shirt. Where did he get this shirt? Now you can buy this shirt because obviously the movie is like a cult. whatever phenomenon you can buy this shirt this kid made it you think he made it I know I think Stephen King was going town to town

selling him out of his trunk Hey just I just did a little reading here from It Anyone want a Stephen King rules D-shirt by the way him in that It chapter two As the fucking antique dealer Oh he's got a cameo Yeah he does

Oh that one A fat one really A Shy Milan-esque level He's running an antique store In dairy Is it needful things no he's just like hey oh you want that you want that bike you're the big writer you stink as a writer stop everything look at stephen king oh oh ew oh this is getting more and more like wait for HBO with every day it really makes you feel those three fucking hours yeah

hours on a fucking evil clown I mostly like that movie or I just I have goodwill towards it yeah somehow but yeah it's fine it's exactly it's exactly fine that's too bad. It's bad. Yes. Chris can say it's bad. That's fair. But so I do want to mention it's okay to like a movie. Sure. Put your tweet down. If you like it chapter two, awesome.

Raise up your tweets. It's bad. If you like Monster Squad, even better. Sure. Because it's better than It's I will say Monster Squad's probably better than it chapter two. Wow. I mean, it's like you know, half the runtime. So you know, you're in and out. So they're getting yelled out by this principal. The principal's doing like a really annoying

like, if it were up to me, boys, we'd talk about monsters all day because I think monsters are totally tubular too. It's like, you know what, don't be my fucking friend either. Give me detention or get me out of here. Monsters in the abstract or great. I just enjoy all sorts of monsters. It's so weird, one, that kind of fandom specifically, but also like we're just saying monsters all the time. Yeah. But these kids, like, they're not like horror hounds. They're not talking about slasher movies, which have definitely existed up. they do because the one kid wants to go see Groundhog Day. 12.

Which is like a tick off on a, yeah. Yeah, which the movie Groundhog Day didn't exist yet with Bill Murray, but this is supposed to be like a Jason-esque slasher. I guess so, but like that's one incident in a sea of us talking about monsters. Do you think the killer has a Groundhog mask? I wish they elaborated more as to what that movie was. I feel like that would be pretty rare. Groundhog Day. You won't see a shadow.

there it is Part 12 Ground dog day Spring isn't coming Six more weeks Of winter Six more weeks of killing I will say actually

Just an idea for a pitch A sequel to Groundhog Day Yes already in It's somehow I mean I guess like you would have to use a lot of CGI for this But it's like somehow Bill Murray Ages within the Groundhog Day Like, you put Bill Murray now in the original Groundhog Day somehow.

Oh. And he's old and crazy because he's been doing it for three years. Oh, shit. That would be awesome. Like somehow, like, he just thought that it didn't, you know, the day was going to change, but that it didn't. And it's like, oh, fuck. He's just been stuck in it. He's aging like it was, like the day wasn't resetting.

Yes. But the day's resetting. So everyone else is the same age as they ever was. So you'd have to like de-age tobo and Chris Elliott. Andy McDowell. He certainly couldn't go back to the doctor. Well, just get Martin Scorsese. easy to direct this and you'll be fine. Yeah, that's true. Get them on some stilts or whatever the

fuck has to happen in that movie. Something tells me that Ted Serendos and Netflix wouldn't shell out the C.G. I might for Groundhog Day 2 or Grandhug Day 12. Six more weeks of slasher. So then we're also introduced to some bullies who I thought these bullies were going to play a larger role here. I do want to say something to that. So they get out of the office and they start drop and start saying, oh man, what a homo he. He is. is what a bunch of homo this and homo oh i did not hear that now i forgot about this yes that combined with the f bombs that are coming up immediately after is what totally turned me off in this movie the first time i and and that's a totally reasonable thing that's why i honestly

like i'm in a position where i'm the the uh recommendations at the end of the show never matter but i'm i'm right on the edge and i don't know where i'm going to be at the end of this episode i totally missed them saying that all i all i caught was they also start making fun of that teacher. Like they bump into that one woman. Oh, she's got a cat head or something. Yeah, like, oh, you got all this cat hair everywhere because you're just a fucking lonely old

Spencer loser. Somebody has to kiss that. Oh, that's what it is. Yes, someone's got to go home to that. Someone, what was it, a priest? They allowed that or something. Yeah, like someone said, I do to that. And this woman, like, they got back

to this woman and it's like, tear. And I mean, as an older, ugly man, I'm like, man, I don't want to be around. kids. Kids are terrible. Kids are fucking horrible. The one reason I would never teach anything. All anyone needs to do is call me Mr. fucking smelly pants. And I am crying in the bathroom.

Got this Steve on a bridge. They call me Mr. Smalley pants. Mr. Smey smell. Exactly. But yes, then we meet up. Hey, Mr. Satic, why are you so fucking fat? And it's like, oh, God. I got nothing.

Well, teach the science behind why you're so fucking fat. Because science is real And monsters aren't And then you have to deal with the fact These little shits are going to outlive you And they're going to, you don't even They're going to go on to do whatever

Not necessarily Not if you can help it I know a lot of people That ended up dying young And it's just surprising It's just surprising You'll never expect The science teacher

You called him fat But now you're dead The science teacher This October He's doing an experiment on you. That's what I'm waiting for. She's giving you a D. My dad.

Periodic table will be read. Yes. So we're introduced to these two bullies. They're bullying this kid they're just calling Fat Kid. His friends fucking call him Fat Kid. Adults in the town are calling him Fat Kid.

He's got a bad name. That's part of the reason. Horace. Yeah. I mean, that ain't great. But It's better than fat kid. No, it's easy. You just call him hoary. Yeah, that'll do it. That'll save the bullying.

The Chicago Bulls, gosh, darn it. That's right. This reminds me, I had this great strategy as a kid as a fat kid. Some kid, like this kid who was younger than me was maliciously bullying me. Oh, no. That's the worst. For being a fat kid. So my genius plan was like, all right, I'm going to find all the fatter kids than me.

And then try to, try to buddy up. Logic your way. Yes. Yes, trying to buddy up to my villain. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm a fat kid. Yeah. What about that kid? What you should call him a fat kid?

That's the real fat kid if you think about it. Wait, what? No, you're the fat kid. You're the fat kid. He shut me down immediately and started calling me fat kid. That is like it gave that kid the fatter kid a free pass, but then I'm still fat kid. Your honor. This is like it follows for fat kids.

You're like running up trying to give it to someone else. Maybe that kid, though, was paying the younger bully protection. You think so? Yeah, he's paying him off. A Twinkie. No, no, no, no, no. He's paying the younger bully. Yeah, because the younger bully who's not a fat kid,

what would he want to be paid in Twinkies for? I don't know. That joke only works if you're paying off a fat kid. I remember we would, uh, at the Catholic school, da-da-da-da. And, uh, one of the things you'd have to do, I think in seventh or eighth grade, you would have to take, you would take the first graders. you'd all have a buddy to take the church.

Oh, God, almighty. And my fucking first grade kid bullied me mercilessly. What? Why you teach so disgusting? And I'm like, well, I don't know, first grader. Shut up. You should have been like, why's your fucking dad dead?

I didn't have. And then he would have been like, my dad's not dead. And then you go, no, no, no. You're real dad. That'll fuck that kid up good. How old are you in first grade? What is he?

Seven years old? Yeah, this kid was a little shit. Fuck that. That would have a destroy. destroyed him. Oh man. I wish I thought of shit like that. I know. I want to go back. I want to go back. I want to get him. Groundhog Day. That day. Oh, dude, I'd fucking hang myself every day. But yeah, there's no way to come back for being bullied by a younger kid. You just can't happen. But no, these are old or kids that of his age. They're of the same age. One was Wayne on the wonder years. They're tossing the gay slur that starts with an F all over the place. And like, I feel like this kid specifically this actor has used that across several projects he just would always get cast as scuzzy bully kid norma did you hear what your son said well that's the weird thing it's like and there's like bill and ted rules kind of a thing where like they you've the one

f bomb in both bill and ted movies thus far we'll see what happens with the face of the music i guarantee you ed solomon did not allow that in the script for this i bet it's there for nostalgia That's what the project is about. Speaking at Groundhog Day, I feel like we've had this discussion before. Probably. But it's all in this one area and it's two homos and two F bombs. And I'm like, just get this out of this movie. Like, you don't know what I mean?

It doesn't come back later, not that it should, but like it's not part of anything. I can't believe those slurs didn't come back. But you have the good guys doing it and the bad guys doing it. So like everybody's rotten here. Well, because in the fucking grand year of 1987, and that wasn't considered bad. Yes. And a bunch of people on Reddit right now

are saying it's still not bad. Good for you. That's fine. Stay there. Yeah. So then this other dude, this guy, what's his name?

Rudy? The tough kid comes up. And this is, I don't get this. I don't like when... This is awesome because he's got a leather jacket on and loafers.

And he's a bad ass. I don't... I don't like when you have these groups in movies where like, two heroes or whatever are kind of like outcasty loserish in their own way they love monster movies or whatever then you have fat kid who they're friend with and then this guy who should be in the bully camp but some for some reason the tough really wants to hang out with these kids

who he's clearly older than also he likes monsters not only is not enough he doesn't even pass the fucking test first of all he doesn't give a fuck about monsters he says he does for some reason I think he wants to fuck Eugene's sister. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, I think you're right. But maybe that's the motivation. But you're right, Andrew, because he's like a cool, older kid

who can fight the bullies and he's just in this camp with them because I know Reddit's going to be, they always shit blood whenever I say, but he's kind of a Mary Sue here. He's just like a cool character dropped out of the sky. Well, he is a total Mary Sue

because at the end of the movie, he's doing everything cool. Like, you got to split up the monster debts amongst the monster squad. He gets all all kills. Yeah. Except for the Murman. And my second thing is,

it always bothers me in these things. Fonzie, Dylan McKay, all these are like small dudes that just wear leather jackets and whenever they say, hey, leave them alone. Groups of bullies will shit their pants. I'm like, hey, man, there's two of us.

Fuck you. Eat by shit. You don't even start punch them in the nose. Yeah. Well, that leather jacket indicates, dude, he may have a knife on it. I see. And these other bullies.

he's like Wayne from the Wonder Years. He's just like a words bully, you know. And they're like gonna make this kid eat a candy bar that's been on the ground, but then like this Rudy guy makes Wayne eat it instead. Well, Wayne puts it out like a cigarette. Like you don't even steps on it. Right, right, right.

And then he's like, you're gonna eat that right, Wayne from the Wonder Years. And then it's weird because like this kid's kind of like, but Rudy, you know, like as if they sort of have a rapport. Again, just punch this kid in the dick. I'm not eating a fucking candy bar. me and my friend will figure it out

beating up this fucking kid the weather jacket. Congratulations. Even if he does beat me up, I'd rather be beaten up. Yes. Frankly, I'd rather be beaten up than eat this fucking gross fucking garbage snickers. It is pretty disgusting. So then our heroes are walking home

having a very like Seinfeldian discussion about Jerry, I'm telling you, the wolfman's got a penis. Jesus. Yeah, well, I mean, of course the wolfman would have a penis. The question is, does he have a red rocket or not? Right. Well, that's, the answer is yes. Yeah. He's not going to have a man's penis down there.

I mean, he's got man legs. Those are man legs. No, they're just like dog haunches. They're bigger. Dog haunches, but he's standing upright. But like he's got the posture and the height of a human. Yeah. So his red rocket would have the girth and the length of a human penis. Why does it be like a huge red rocket? It's what you're saying.

I mean, depends on the guy. We're not talking about size. We're talking about style. Style. It's a red rocket style. It's very aerodynamic. Points for style. This is where they say Wolf Dork

They're calling Dick's dorks in this movie It's a very 80s thing The weird thing is like So it's the three kids And then there's this little kid That's hanging around with them Who is this little kid? This is Eugene with the hot sister

Yeah I guess so But what Like this Listen The second Rudy With the leather jacket Enteres

This group of friends Makes no fucking sense And you're right Because this kid Just learned to talk Last summer He's a baby What am I hanging out

with a baby? for like again they're yelling at the sister like you can't come you stupid baby what about that dumb baby well we wanted to hang out two dumb babies we wanted to hang out with the dog and the only way we could do that is if Eugene was around you're getting your

other kids mixed up Eugene is the one with the dog the kid Patrick or whatever is the taller kid who has the sister oh I thought oh okay they're two different kids yet the other kid does not he's a baby that has a dog Patrick's also a character that doesn't need to be in this movie because that dude

does absolutely nothing. He does nothing, except for, like, lust after his own sister, which we'll get it. Yeah. So then we cut to a cargo plane. It's Browning cargo. Does everybody get it? Oh, God. Todd Browning, directed Dracula in 1931.

Yeah, yeah. That sucks. Thank you. Thank you. Piloted by Richie Appreel from the Sopranos. Yeah, dude, David Perval, baby. and so this is just they're just corpse pilots.

They're piloting around a bunch of corpses. Here's the thing. I think this is a prequel to the Sopranos because that is some shit that the mob in the fucking 80s would be doing. Moving dead bodies from across state lines. Moving Frankenstein's monster. Internationally. They would be in charge of that

shit. I kind of like this idea. Yeah. So basically like, oh, we got to cancel in Romania. We're going to fucking turn it out and bring it to New Jersey. Whatever we find. Look, I think it's it's a similar thing to how you get all the best skyscrapers in Manhattan built. You have to involve the

mafia. And this is the same thing. You need somebody to get a fucking enchanted corpse out of Romania, dude. You get the mafia on that shit. They'll have it out in six seconds. Oh, the current tenants. They like the ponies, you see. They like them a little too much if you know what I mean. They're eating them and fucking them and shit. So now we get

a monster. How about that? So that box is cursed, Don. It pulls out a big roll. How to make it uncursed? $200, $400, $500, $500? What are we talking about here? They could do anything. That's the thing is they are real like magic. And they're amazing association of businessmen.

Oh, Tony. Oh, Tony. I heard that they're allergic to garlic. Wait till they smell my breath. I like this movie already. The mob boss could kill Dracula by breathing on it. Dude, that's, wait, that's a movie. Dude in the mafia has to go into.

witness protection, right? And for some crazy reason, it's not the suburbs in Minnesota. It's Romania. Yeah, it's like Interpol witness protection. Yeah, and he winds up opening an inn in Romania, but he keeps cooking Italian food. And he's

constantly being besieged by vampires, but they're all just walking through the door. And the second they get a whiff of the garlic, and what with all the Catholicism, crosses everywhere, these vampires are just fucking disintegrating left and right. Dominic, make sure you bring the pickled garlic. We're going to need tons of it. We'm getting hungry.

Sliced it so thin. It just liquefied in the pan. Liquefied right on that vampire's forearm. No, that's the flavor. That's a flavor. So it's like a bit of business. Like, oh, isn't it depressing? Nope. We only like, uh, haul cargo. Uh-oh. I heard a noise back there. And introduced to dime store Dracula. This guy is a huge problem in this movie because he sucks. Yeah. You need to get somebody slash anybody to be Dracula here. D minus. It's, it's, it's really. really rough. It is really, and I was, I was trying my hardest to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but the time the credits were rolling, I was like, you know what? This is a failure

of a Dracula. Because Dracula's the captain. You need somebody in that role. I'm neither scared of him, nor do I want to fuck him. That's a problem. That's a problem in a Dracula. That's so true. I need to one of them. One of them has to be true. I'm not scared of any of the Dracula's in fucking interview with a vampire, but I want to fuck them all. Yeah, sure. Totally. It's full of that's the sexiest non-pornographic vampire film ever made apart from Kristen Dunst of course so that's disgusting this is the only real evil left and then I come like that's how that works dude he says that the new Almodovar movie too is the exact same thing does he really no oh I can go to the movies and come again but you know who's up for this

role and was actually cast in it like he got close but he was cast in another role to Liam Neeson. What? Yeah. Let Liam fucking Neeson be Dracula. I'm going to take Frankenstein's monster. I'm going to get it out of Romania. I'm going to put it in a box and get it on a plane.

I need the amulet. Yeah, I'm going to go start looking around for victims. Guess what? I hope they're black people. Because what happened to my good friend? Yeah, that's a real story. I'll tell that unsolicited. Yeah, I'm Dracula.

I'm driving a snow plow around Romania looking for people. people to eat like all of this way back what the fuck happened what the fuck were they seeing in this dude

that they did not see in Liam Neeson was just a TV actors and like V and a couple of other stuff he was like the money I don't know

I think it's the money I don't know if he was that big yet I don't know like because he was in crawl in like 83 he was scattered

in those 80s he was there but so was this guy that landed the part was his name Duncan Raygar or something? Reigar Targary.

I saw him once in a TV movie from 85 where he played Arrow Flynn and it wasn't very good. That fits. That's all I know of him. Sounds about right. Every time this guy comes on screen, I think an M&M commercial is about to start. Dude, he is, he would be Dracula in an M&M's commercial. It's the yellow one and the red one and they're walking down a creepy hallway and like lightnings going on outside. I don't know.

I'm pretty scared. No, just come this way. It's got to be right around the corner. Hey, who are you? Exactly. And that's every... Then they faint and so does Santa Claus. Now it's a monster party.

Dude, you would bomb Sandy Claus? Santa Claus is like an immortal demon-esque figure. Oh, absolutely. That seems like... That's a movie that like MST3K could have done, like Santa Claus versus Dracula. Is it anyone... That crampus movie, was that ever worth it or not some?

That was kind of good for about an hour. Okay. And then it kind of goes apart. You've seen that movie, what is it called? Strange Exports. Oh, yeah. Rare exports. Yeah, that's kind of a fun.

That's a fun evil Santa Claus movie. Absolutely. And what the fuck was that San Diego's movie, the horror movie with Bill Goldberg? Santa Slays. Jesus. I never tried that one out. Didn't know that existed.

Oh, it definitely does. Bill Goldberg playing Santa Claus, dude. Now you just got me a better idea. Who could be Dracula in this movie? Macho Man, Randy Savage. Oh, yeah. Ooh, it's the Monster Squad. Oh, yeah.

You guys are going to wet your diapers when I suck your blood. Go get him, the mummy. It's the role I was born to play. I think it would be great. This would be amazing. He's still wearing the cowboy hat with all the frills coming off of it. Yeah, but then there's also the sunglasses also, but he's got wearing a Dracula cape. Yeah, that's how you know he's drag.

And it's still the neon pink cowboy hat, but he's wearing a Dracula cap. You're getting more slim jims in this movie than at least. Oh, sure. Along with the Pepsi. Oh, man. He's like biting into slim jims and they bleed. It was like an early formula. Oh, that doesn't look right.

Back to the drawing board slim gym company. That's like a merchandise idea they have that goes terribly wrong. Yep, that sounds right. So he escapes with Frankenstein's body. This is a bullshit thing, though, where like they dropped the cargo like out of the like Richie Appreel pulls this lever trying to kill Dracula. Kind of a neat effect right here

where the floor goes out from under him he just starts floating. Oh, it's neat now, is it? The effect, not the guy playing him. But you hated vampires floating famously. Yeah, but he's not floating outside a house. He's floating for a moment. Okay. So you're okay with them floating inside?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's right. That's right. Okay. I do like that he... Trying to find logic and shit I complain about. I'll give you a... $1,000. I do like that he floats here. I do like that he turns into a bat.

I don't like that no one on this plane dies. Yeah. That's what I was trying to get to. The stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen. Kill those two fuckers. The plane crashes. Also, because apparently Dracula knows where they're going. Yes. To get this amulet. But what are the odds

they're dropping right into this fucking swamp where the mermaids live in? Or the Gilman or whatever. The creature in the Black Lagoon. I would like to have hit like a shot of Dracula looking at a big Atlas and being like, all right, well, if we're going this way. Or if he commandeered the plane.

Yeah. You know. Also, like, know where all monsters live? Do monsters just sense other monsters? Are they pen pals? Well, aside from Dracula and Frankenstein's monster, the other three are fucking relegated right into the town line. Locals. Local monsters.

But to your point about the death, like, I understand this is a kid's movie, but all you need is a shot of, like, like those two guys going and then if you have to cut back to the cockpit, they're there, they're unconscious, and they have two holes in their neck.

That's it. And or you hear plane crash reported, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And at least I know there's something going on here. A browning cargo plane crash just outside of town. And since the dad's a cop, he's going to go investigate it.

And then you would actually stop the only fatality in this film being the one black actor in it, which would, you know, that would help a little bit. even the scales. Yeah. Dude, that guy goes up like it's a scene

from the Irishman, man. That happens like they forgot that they have to kill the black guys. They're like, oh shit, we didn't do that yet. Okay, do it now. Do you think that guy saw the movie

and he was like, wait, what happened to my character? You did what to me? I thought I was just left. But yeah, so he drops into a swamp. But I think Dracula has some sort of power

over the wolfman. He's got to stick that he's using against the wolfman, right? Yeah, that scepter that doesn't really come back into a play after all the monsters are activated. He also, like, throws his newspaper for the wolfman to catch. Go get the ball, Wolfman. Exactly. Go get the ball, wolfman.

I think he's just dog rules. Oh, yes. He's a wolfman. Because the man who becomes the wolfman, in this movie, he hates being the wolf man. He's trying to warn everyone about it. Yeah. But when he's the wolfman, he's just Dracula's lap dog. Yeah. He's trying to party.

He's trying to party Wolfman. I kind of like this guy. I kind of like the Wolfman design a little bit. It's very good. It's shittyish, but, you know. Did you see the, uh, the little bit of Tribune trivia that is like kind of insulting and makes no sense that they were like, oh yeah, this Wolfman designed after Stan Winston. Oh, yeah.

I was like, what? That's really mean. I mean, he looks designed by Stan Winston, but I guess like, it's a self-portrait. I think that's what this bit of trivia was telling me. John Grice plays the Wolfman, by the way. Yes. Who's Uncle Rico and Napoleon. Credited as Jonathan Grease in this movie.

That was something. We do meet up with the main kid, Sean's parents here. Of course, we're Steven Spielberg and all over the place. It's like a Cassavetti's movie in the background. Oh, yeah. Dude, somebody should be making a waitress cry. If you saw this guy, if you saw his dad out in the town, a waitress would cry. A lot of singing and bang.

the beer on the bar. If you're a waitress, you'll cry. Look out for the detective. I think this actor, Stephen Mock also thinks that Stephen King rules because he was in the not great graveyard shift adaptation. Oh, that movie sucks. You know what role he was really like a hair away from getting? What?

North. Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S. He was up for it, like really got close. We would not be talking about seven seasons of the United States. generation, if that's the case. Well, just like this, he would have to smoke on the bridge. Like, that's, that's, he's got this gray smoker's face.

Yeah, no, he definitely does. He looks like an old football. Um, yeah, so the, the parents. Oh, hey, Stephen. Nice, nice, nice monster squad movie you made there. Bet you wish you, I didn't come out for the role, but I got it. Oh, I always get it. 1987, same year that a certain television program started weird.

You had to go. Monster Squad, was it? Oh, Stephen. Oh, yes. How's your son doing? I hear he's doing very well. Who's this son again? Gabriel mocked of suits and a bunch of other stuff. Swat Firefight. Come on.

How could we forget? Swat firefights. We did an on-screen on that like 10,000 years ago. Absolutely. Try to find that. It's in our Patreon archive, I think. It's all locked up. So, yeah, we get like a. a taste of the home life here. They have a definite movie tree house situation. Yes.

This thing was built by Bob Vila. It's a nice fucking tree house. I mean, you could come. You could, in 2019, you could put this on Airbnb and people would sleep in. Oh, 100%. Yeah, without it out. Get a couple better mattresses maybe, but like,

maybe not so many monster posters. Sure. God, we have the Airbnb, the guy above us in our building uses Airbnb. be every fucking day I come by my stoop and there are just befuddled German tourists like do you know where Christopher is I'm like I don't give a shit oh wow I don't work in this hotel I'm actually going home oh honey did you see that the little fat boy yelled at us oh you're not welcome to New York you're not the tour guide said that the tour guy downstairs are you the maid

would you take out our sheets so it wasn't a scary German guy no oh oh oh scary German guy comes into play in this movie. That's right. Yeah. So, yeah, this is where they induct Rudy into the club. They give him like a monster test, which is just like two questions about movies. And this is the thing. This is the kind of movie that your older brother's friend that punches you in the arm likes. And it's also the kind of movie that like nerds that are like, oh, you like comic books. Well, name the first issue that someone's our show. It's like, you know what, dude? Let's just say, I like comic books this way and you like comic books that way. Sure.

I just say that I like monster movies. So fuck off. Oh, you, I mean, like, you like comic books. They like being an asshole. That's what they really enjoy. So, yeah, so they have their little meeting or whatever. Then Sean is it? He's like the main character, I guess.

Yeah. He goes back inside. He has plans to go with his dad to see Groundhog Day 12 at the drive-in. The dad's got to break it off because they're going to marriage counseling. And he's like, you have a five-year-old sister to one. watch, I was like, this kid's like 12, 13, maybe. How it used to be. It's wild. What a time to be alive and be murdered. Absolutely. That's how I grew up. Yeah. If you were like 13, you were watching everybody.

Sure. I guess that's, because I was the oldest. So I don't like entirely remember when that started. But I guess it was around like 13, maybe. Plus this guy's smoking in front of this kid. So all bets are off. He's like just smoking in his bedroom. He like blows the smoke like right in this kid's face. Like I got to go to work. Hey, yeah, baby boy, you got any matches in here. That's exactly how I grew up. My father would constantly smoke.

Yeah. Sprade in my face. Wow, really? Like an antagonistic fashion? Put it out in my shoulder. No, no, you didn't put it out. I went for your 15th birthday. He gave you a pack of cigarettes.

Hey, Eric, boy. Smoke up. You're a man now. No, he was the opposite. Which made it all the more enticing because he was like, no, you may never. Oh, yeah. touch this. Yeah, that's why I did it. Exactly. Same for my

my parents smoked before we were born and quit and they're like, never ever do it. And I'm like, uh-huh. Yeah. Question about a line this dad has right here because like the kid will not stop bitching about this movie situation. And then he's, the kid says to the father like, by the way, I thought you stopped smoking.

Yeah. And the dad says, put your basic lid on it. What is that? I don't know what that is. I had to rewind it twice and then put subtitles. on. Put your basic lid. I mean, he's telling him to shut the fuck. Yeah, exactly. But I've always heard it as put a lid on it. What is this basic lid? Maybe he's an advanced lid. Maybe he's calling him

stupid. Like, you're basic. So you're stupid. I think it's a little early for basic to be used. You're fucking basic with your ug boots and your pumpkin spice. Well, you explain it then. I know. I'm just saying it's a little early. It was weird. I thought it was like a vision of the future. I couldn't

understand it. Stephen mocked got a vision. basic but he but he actually can't even go to marriage counseling because he gets a call that a mummy escapes and then it's a classic like it's my job yeah it's a little bit of a bill trench thing here tench uh anybody notice who the mother was i did yeah the therapist from lethal weapon also the mother from the goonies yeah you cannot make this shit up yeah that's bad get us the Gooney's mom. So it's a Goonies movie. That's pretty shitty. Yeah, she is a therapist

from, yeah. I guess she was buds with Shane Black. She's in one and she returns in Leather Weapon Four, as I recall. She's in all four. Oh, she's in all of them, I think. Oh, okay. It's actually kind of hilarious. If you look at her, IMDB, it's like, lethal weapon one psychiatrist, lethal weapon two, police psychiatrist,

lethal weapon three psychiat or, or and that it's just her name like Stephanie something or other. And then in four, it's like, Dr. Stephanie, something here. So she kind of really in the tobo scale of getting... I was just going to say the tobo scale.

Oh, that's pretty good. Then we get my favorite scene in this movie, which is John Grease going into this police station and being like, I'm a werewolf. You have to lock me up. Which is fucking great. It's a great... This is kind of like the best part of the movie.

Also, like, you can't do that obvious. You can't just go, I'm aware, wolf, lock me up. What you need to do is commit some low level assault. Yeah, exactly right. Yeah, the old throw the brick through the ship through the shopkeeper's window. Exactly. Get yourself arrested for legitimate reasons. Right.

And then you can just change in prison. Don't got to murder nobody. Well, you don't got to set a car on fire. Well, setting a car in fire is a great way to arrest. You think so. Did Junkry set a car on fire? No,

but like as far as like things he could do to get into jail. Well, he makes the mistake of grabbing a cop's gun and firing it wildly into the ceiling of the police station to which another officer rightly responds by blowing this dude away. That doesn't get you in jail. that gets you killed. Yeah. There's a fine difference there.

Right. What do you just go into the police? I want to shoot Reagan in the face and like see what happens. They'll probably knock you over and lock you up. Question, by the way. I want that man executed. Wait, is Reagan walking in there? Oh, yes.

He wants to kill himself. No, no. Mommy, it's a bad day. Mommy, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a werewolf. I'm going to turn into a werewolf. Mommy, try to stop me. Oh, we get to finally use the White House. guillotine. John, grease, you're up.

Mommy, mommy, how is ancient Egypt? Yes, I like this now. She's the mummy and I'm the wolf man. I was bitten by a dog and it's actually stopping my brain from decreasing so that's pretty good. Yeah, dude, he wants to be a werewolf because then his body will build back up and he'll lose the dementia. Speaking of old men with dementia, this is mean. But I was on like a flight I think it was like you know New York to California

I had a long flight and this old guy used the bathroom and he was all like befuddled and he walks down the hallway and he's got like I'm not kidding like a six feet

of like toilet paper hanging out of his pants and I was like is that guy a mummy it was like a trail that would have been my first thought dude we got a mummy on our hands here or what

turned out he's just extremely old I finally escaped them It's a mummy. But the mummy does escape, actually. Right. And the dad and his partner are, like, berating this old guy's security guard. Like, is this how you do your job?

Is this how you fuck? So let me tell you. Let me get this straight. You were just standing here. You didn't see nothing. And then this 2,000-year-old mummy just disappears. Is that right, old man? He was a mummy guard in the middle of, like, what is this town?

It says Baton Rouge, Louis. Louisiana, which question... Oh, really? I totally missed that. I was going to ask... Some of the materials that I read today said that. Well, that would explain the swamp. And this fucking weird forest gumpouse that the monsters shack up in.

It looks like Mama Gump's house. I wish I was a bat fly far, far away. It makes sense because Louisiana is America's Europe. It is. That's true. Yeah, that's why Dracula wants to go. That's Anne Rice. That she lives down there.

I was almost positive. I was going to see a vampire when I went down there. Wow. I did not. No such luck. No such luck. That's too bad. Every mirror had a reflection.

The partner, by the way, Stan Shaw, who's got a recurring bit. He's like, oh, pretty good policeman until he gets blown up. Right. That guy is in a lot of stuff, but I couldn't place where I know him from. A prior episode, a house guest. He's his buddy. Oh, yes. And Rising Sun.

He's like a security guard. He's also in another previous episode of a house guest. remember correctly he's really good in snake eyes which is kind of a better movie than I remember it being it definitely is and I think that's boxer yeah yes that's where I because I just rewatch that sometime in 2019 so I think

that must be where I was recognizing him from most recently yeah those are reappraisal when I first saw that in theater is like ah fuck that movie it's like that's pretty not too bad I think it's a really good movie it's really good to Palma yeah so yeah all this is going on the dad I guess like gives up on this whole mummy thing

and goes back home but I mean this is the thing his wife is like We need to go to counseling And he asked me like I can't go to counseling A mummy is missing You'd be like Well no you could definitely

Somebody else Can handle the mummy caper Well and I was confused for a second Because the way that they're cross-cutting everything I thought he got called in Because of the John Grease thing Yeah Which is like

Honey listen they had to fucking murder somebody At the office I got to go back to work That's justifiable But fucking mummy PI Get out of here Put her a rookie on that shit.

That's just like someone stole like a piece of merchandise. That's not even a thing. Also what is your appointment going to take? 30 minutes to an hour? The mummy will still be missing later. It's totally fine. It's not an excuse. And like yeah, later he shows

up. He does go and she's like well you don't even care about this marriage. A man died tonight. But like you're burying the lead. You were looking for a mummy most of the night. Most nights, John. Uh, yeah, so this is he, this is the weird, like, the kid is stealing a screening of the drive-thru or the drive-in theater because he's watching this movie and like, man, it's got to be weird living that close to a drive-in movie theater. Right, because they're on the roof. He's watching it and he's got his own radio, like, tuned to the frequency.

Anybody clock the, the, the, the, the proportions of this, the screen is enormous. Like, it's like, I don't know, it's like, it's like, it's, it's very, would you ever go to a drive-in? Is it, but you could see it from houses away. It's lighting at least 17 houses before it gets to Sean. Exactly. I don't know. I mean, they are bigger than your average movie screens. Sure.

Screens. Yeah, but this was kind of like, um, it was like a Thomas Kincaid painting. Like a beautiful little village surrounded by this. There's a lot of bad, Matt paintings in this movie. You get it later at one point when the bat version of Dracula is like flying through the town. Oh, I just remembered the mother has a line in this that's sort of. like telling the kid to eat shit, which is fucking great. Because she's

like, oh, Van Helsing. He fights Godzilla, right? Oh, right. Yeah. Which is just great. Yeah, it's got to be the shit. Yeah, exactly. And look, people like, Mom, but it's like, no, mom is too fucking busy to worry about fucking Dracula and Godzilla. All right. Mom's trying to hold this marriage together to care about

which one's Godzilla. With her hands and her teeth, man. Well, fucking, while the mummy detective goes off and fucking does whatever his problem is. And it comes home with a fucking Burger King bag. Oh, yeah. Well, listen, Burger King is an instant make good, dude. Feeds his son, a bag, oh, fries. Burger King had money in this and Adidas had money in this. Pepsi. Yeah. Pepsi. Oh, yeah. Burger King, though, like, there's a shop front. Yeah. Right there.

And there's, it's mentioned in dialogue at the end when they can't get into the church and they're like, we need sacred ground or whatever. And the fat kids like, what are we going to do? Do it in the Burger King? I feel like there was some talk about the Burger King product place when people came in. It's like, yeah, so one thing. Yeah, we want Burger King. We want, yeah, the Town Square is great. The Burger King line's amazing. We can't have the fat kid eating Burger King.

That's not what we're trying to project here. Here at Burger King, our burgers don't make you overweight. What we want is pretty babies eating the Burger King. Pretty babies. What about the Stephen King Rules shirt and the beleaguered father, the mummy detective? Can we polish up those cheeks, though, first? Well, they're both physically fit, so that's great. And everybody knows a cheeseburger can't give you lung cancer.

So whatever else that guy's got going on, that's his own problem. He's managing his symptoms is what he's doing. Yeah, so they have a nice father-son moment. And, like, the next day, so Dracula holds up at this, like we said, Forrest Gump House. Yeah. With the Wolfman, and they bring Frankenstein. back to life they're putting ear pods in them it's a weird like the the the crate like is lifted

up out of those swamp yes and the creature from the black lagoon is doing it they open it up yeah his sceptor Dracula's scepter like there's it's like a horned beast or something they pull the horns off they do look like little earpods they still like it's like they're jumping a car like they put it on his little plugs or whatever instant lightning strike on a pole a jason Vorhe's situation here too. And Frankenstein just wants to be dead, which I totally, like Eric, I totally agree with. Very relatable. But Dracula is talking like him and fucking Frankenstein are old friends. I want to see the adventures of Frank and fucking Dracula. Oh, totally. Buddy, remember that club? We closed it out. Dude, we were hanging out until 4 o'clock in the morning and then

the sun came up. Exactly. That's the thing that was like Dracula is like, oh, my buddy is back. You know, we're going to have a great time. But then Frankenstein's monster is just like, in the later parts of the series when she reveals she's like I was dead and I was happy and I'm pissed off that you brought me back from the dead that's what the monster's like right here he's like dude I was at rest

it was eternal peace it was great but think of the pleasures of life you know how many ways there is to prepare blood sausage blood pie blood and rice popcorn blood

eventually this world will be completely evil you just have to wait a couple thousand years. I'm just thinking this is more like Chuck and Buck actually. Like it's an old buddies, like awkwardly like trying to, this. Frankenstein's got a new dead life that he's enjoying. Don't you remember Frank and

drag used to suck and fuck? Can I watch you jerk off? You pull your pod for me. Oh my God. This is Tom Noonan talking. That's Frankenstein's monster. Yeah. So they go back to this house

he ties up the wolf man because he knows the wolf man like as a wolf was a totally cool team player but in the morning he gets regrets you know and he's gonna fucking run off and tattle on everybody and he can't have that happening. Are you wearing a fire he's a rat

he's not the wolf he's a rat just kill the wolfman there's already too much shit going on but you need him to be the muscle dude the mummy's not gonna cut it promote Gilman Gilman is ready to go He could take out a bigger role at any time

He's got a very I was gonna say it's like a pretty good body He does man like those Written muscles But look what happens though The first scene in the movie Like which is basically the end of the movie That Gilman gets anything to do

He fucks it up and gets murdered by the fact And immediately Yeah well because he didn't have enough To do earlier on I didn't get reps Yeah exactly Oh I see Well you know the trouble with that

Is that the wolf man Occasionally can speak Gilman is just What is the gill? I've never seen Critch of the Black Lagoon. Great movie. It's fucking horny, isn't he? I guess I can't get into the Monster Squad.

Did you see? No, but I never thought. No, this is a great, this is a teaching moment, Steve, because you know what? Here you go. Here's how it works, everybody. I just said it was a great movie. Steve hasn't seen, you know what, Steve?

You should watch it sometime. I think you'd like it. Oh, thanks, man. That's a cool conversation to have. That's the end of that fucking... You fucking loser! What are you over to podcast? as you can ever cheat fucking creatures

and black looking you fucking loser But no my question is You don't know anything about monsters Unless you saw night in fog Fuck head Oh my god Monster squad

But is it like a guy That turns into him on No it's like they go They're in like the rainforest In the Amazon or whatever And it's like we've heard rumors Blah blah blah Don't drive this boat here

No we're going to And they encounter him It's a shape of water if he was a little stinker. Pretty much, yeah. But he's also, like, horny. Like, he's horny for this lady. There's a lot of, like, cool underwater footage.

And so she's, she eating eggs in that movie or what? No, not eating eggs. Okay. Now, eating ass, though. Definitely eating ass in those sequels, I think. Underwater, like, blown bubbles in there. Return of the creature, dude, is nothing but 83 minutes of people eating ass. Now I am going to see this movie.

I think you'd like them. question, do I need to watch the first one to understand the eating ass one or? No, well, the plot around the eating ass maybe, but the actual ass eating, no, that's totally fun. I don't want to get lost. No, you don't want to get lost. No, you don't get lost in that ass. Don't worry, there's a lot of exposition.

I like those creature movies, man. I do a lot. Anyway, and since you told me in a civilized way, maybe I actually will see one of those fucking movies. So what is the whole thing here that I don't understand, they make the leap towards here but I guess it's just this movie's

82 minutes and deal with it but like the kid Sean like walks into his kitchen and the mother has like left a note like hey Sean a grown adult called for you about this diary that you fucking found his name is Mr. Alou card

which by the way kid you're such a fan of these monster movies you have to like do the spelling thing like that's Dracula's fucking calling card dude when he's got to be on the down low, that's Mr. AluCard, dude. Don't even worry about it. AluCard is Dracula spelled backwards.

Wait a minute. Nilbach is gobbled spelled backwards. Neilbock. Man, I re-watched that Troll too. Best Worst movie. Really?

It's a, it's a documentary that you can watch again because that sad dentist is just like, hey, you ever see Troll too? And everyone's like, no. And he's like, it's hilarious. I tell this kid not to piss on food. And I was like, don't piss on hospitality. Yeah, he's like, okay.

Just clean my teeth. No, yeah, I'll have a top off. Thank you. Top off. Yeah, but it's Alucard. Yes. That's Dracula's. So the kid gets the book.

Where did they get this book from? I kind of, maybe I missed it. Was there a deleted scene where he goes to a book fair? Oh, no. That's what his mother gives him. Oh, right. She gives him a German manuscript. And she's like, oh, you'd like it because it says Van Helsing in it or something.

Oh, I remember her. giving the book to him, but I didn't get that line. And then he says, it's in German, which is really weird. And they're like, oh, the only person in this town that can read it is our friend or nemesis, scary German guy. Right, right, right. Much like fat kid, he's just scary German guy. Just give this poor man a name. I mean, they give him a fucking number, so they might as well give him a name. Mr. von Dusseldor for something. Yes, they should have called him by the number. They might as well. Let me tell you. something this movie has no business invoking the holocaust no let me just put that right out there it's a

monster squad well that's right of hitler was there dude that's what scary german guy says too so they go to his house they're like listen we got to suck it up we got to go in there maybe he's gonna help out and like the guy comes up behind them he's been like grocery shopping or something and of course he's like the sweetest old man in the world he's giving them pie lots of Pepsi with that pie that's a fucking sugar rush cherry pie and Pepsi oh my god yeah they make up for the burger game with Horace eating like half a pie. Well, and it's a huge joke right there too because they're like, we're full

and Horace is like, oh, I'm not. Is there more pie? I'm method acting. Yeah, so this guy like helps them like translate the book and it's this whole thing about an amulet every hundred years. You can open a portal to limbo, but if you have a fucking a fair virgin girl

read these lines, you can destroy the thing and whatever the else, vague shit. Oh, and it was written a hundred years to tomorrow. Yep. Yep. And in the back and I noticed, I noticed this menorah, I'm like, oh, that's kind of an odd detail.

Like, you know what I mean? It's like, oh, it was his trophy of his? No, I was just like, oh, he's a Jewish guy. That's an interesting. We're just making a choice here. That's fine. Very quiet. And then like, he's walking them out the door. They're like, yeah, I guess we know a lot about monsters. And he's like,

I guess so do I. Dude, it's worse though because he's like, yeah, so I bet you thought I too was a scary monster before you got to spend this pleasant afternoon with me. And they're like, yeah, sorry about that. We know our fair share of our monsters. And yeah, he's like, and unfortunately, so do I. And he closes the door. And as his like shirt sleeve extends to close this door, you just see a number fucking

Holocaust number tattooing. And all the metal objects in the house are floating. Not everyone in the Holocaust was Magneto Chris. What? Really? No. I thought that's how it went. I just don't know. You don't need it.

It doesn't assist with anything. The dumbest thing is I read on IMDB on this guy's IMDB. It was like, oh, you know, he was rumored to be in the Holocaust because of his involvement in Monster Squad, but he actually was an Italian guy that fought for the Americans and blah, blah. And I'm like, yeah, he, like, what, you just saw this movie you thought it's a documentary? Or, like, anyone playing a Holocaust survivor has to be a Holocaust survivor. Now, like, I'm speaking to Liam Neeson, man. He wasn't involved in the Holocaust.

Now I'm kind of imagining a Kirby enthusiasm, kind of like a mix-up where he goes to a dinner party and everyone thinks he's a Holocaust survivor. And he's like, how do I tell them I'm not? Like kind of thing. That's a great episode of that show. Oh, the Survivor. Yeah, so now they have all their information. You know, they have to find this little amulet and whatnot. There's a great line here of know any virgins.

Yeah, Rudy, do you know any virgins? They are, by the way, like, so here's the thing. They have this cool clubhouse. The window is facing right into Patrick's older sister's room. Right. And there is a camera placed exactly right there. And like, you know, like I grew up with older sisters and all that stuff. And everyone's like, hey, you're just just hot or whatever.

That's the thing guys do. Sure. I'm not allowing people to like film my sister without her knowledge. I'm not like getting in on it either. What if it was Frankenstein doing it? Because he gets in on this action. He does.

Frankenstein definitely gets in. He's getting a little tasty, a little money in his pocket. It doesn't really matter. Here's the thing though. Also, if you're the other guy, like if you're Sean, I'm not leaving that camera up in the clubhouse

when I know Patrick's coming over for a monster squad meeting. Exactly. It's an awkward situation. It's a weird idea. This kid, I think, is into it. I think Patrick is into it. I think you're right.

You'll get that fucking haircut? Of course he is. It's the delicious unknown, dude. The delicious unknown? It's tempting. You're a little boy. There's boobs. It doesn't matter whose boobs they are.

That's what this kid's doing. I guess so. That's what he's doing. He's clearly doing that in this movie. It's really weird. So Dracula tasks Frankenstein's monster to go out, get these kids, get the amulet. And he says, you know, if they give you any trouble,

kill him. And I was like, cool, we're using the K word. Kill those kids. That's great. So they do a nice little ref here. And meanwhile, Gilman, who would kill the kids just sitting on the bench. Like, dude, just put me in. Coach. I can't believe we're sending Frankenstein on a stealing mission. You know, he's going to get sympathetic towards those kids, Dracula. I'm telling you right now, you should have sent me to do it. I'll kill a kid. I'll kill a kid right now. I don't care. His blood is cold, my friend. Didn't you see his other movie? I mean, you could kill kids. One little girl and the whole deal is kaput.

I go out there, I'll kill the whole fucking lot of them. And then I'm going back to eat my ass. That's what we do. Under the scene. Definitely eat ass, but eat a kid. Yeah, sure. You're a killman, eat a kid. The way that they make you think that the monster is actually going to do something about this

as they reference the Frankenstein film from 1931, where the girl is playing with the flowers by the river and Frankenstein comes up and throws her in the water and murders. That's what they're doing here. But then like the little girl just makes friends with him and brings him back to the clubhouse. And now they like, there's a very brief section of this movie where they kind of just own him like a dog.

That's something that really confused me is that Dracula refers to him as his servant. And like I was like, is there like this connection? Does Dracula hold power of him? Yeah. Seems like no. It seems like a minute he doesn't want to, he can just leave. It's the hubris of Dracula

though, dude. Dr. Frankenstein lost a bet with Dracula. Oh. You know? And it was like, shit, I got, I'm all out of money. Fuck, I'll put the keys to my monster on the table. It's like the millennium falcons. There's the pink slip to my monster. Oh, he lost

it to a guy at a cape. Yeah. I should see it the other way around. The guy in the cape lost it to a guy in a vest. The, uh, I don't know what it is we're trying to say with the scene where the monster finds the little mask of himself as a Halloween costume. It's like, we've commodified

you, Frankenstein. He's afraid of it. It's scary for him. He gets pissed off though. They're making money. Where's my cut? Residuous. Residuous. He's furious. Dude, if I was Frankenstein, I would fucking throw a rocket Brad Garrett's head for that fucking, uh, that Apple

commercially did a couple years ago. The crying Frankenstein with the girl, the Christmas thing. Isn't all of Brad Garrett's career, just him doing Frankenstein? Well, various kinds of Frankenstein, like O.G. Frankenstein, Jackie Gleason, Frankenstein. Ray Romano is the Murr, ma'am.

I'm eating ass. It's better down where it's wetter indeed. Under the sea. Blah, blub, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, they call me the bubblah. He's, I bet Ray Romano's a champion. ass either. Like Kobayashi?

Yeah, I mean that as a compliment. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, that's a, that's a skill. You could see him getting there, go like doing a little motorboat action of that butt. Sometimes he wears a mustache. That's helping. Raymond, stop beating ass and be nice to your mother. Raymond, what's just I hear about you eating your wife's ass?

We live witches. We're a. the street. We could hear it, Raven. Oh, they weren't in the house on that show? No, they were across the street. Oh, what blessed distance. I never watched the second of that show. Oh, no. Robert's coming over and I'm busy eating my wife's ass. Robert? Robert, just a minute.

Yeah, come on in. I'm just finishing up in here. Oh, my God. Sound tongue-tied, Raven. No, I'm all right. Blah, blop, blb, blb, blb, blb, that's right. So stupid. So we have a montage here.

It's like, we're getting the monster squad together. We're getting the monster squad together. But to your point, there is a part of this movie, like, and a way this movie could go is if he's like the mascot of the monster squad. Or it's like kind of, like, he's the Encino Man. You know what I mean? Like, yes, they should take him to a mall and he should get some cooler clothes. Exactly.

Some sunglasses would be appreciated. I don't appreciate it. appreciate the haircut that this thing's got. Yeah. Why? It's bad. Well, I mean, of course. He's a dead guy.

Well, I don't know. But like Boris Karloff, they kind of figured that out. It's a little cooler. Yeah. You get this, Frankicent, some dapper Dan. No, he looks like. He's got fucking Ralph Wiggum's haircut. That's what he looks like.

It's terrible. Dude, it's fucking Tom Noonan. Well, that's the other thing. Tom Noonan is just, he's been bald since 1976. Just have him be bald. You had to go Peter Boyle. Exactly. Did they let him have the horseshoe in Young Frankenstein?

Yeah, he's just totally bald. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so we're like, we're doing things like we're making silver bullets. This is again, it's all Rudy. He's making the silver bullets. He's fashioning a bunch of wooden stakes and shop class. The one kid, though, we got to talk about this one kid who writes the letter to the army for help. This kid's wearing a fucking Confederate flag cap.

I don't know where this came from or where it's going. Well, now that you say this is Louisiana. It's his grandpa's war chest, dude. That's Louisiana. I guess so. Fucking grandfather. Yeah. I mean,

1988. 87, but yeah. 87. 100 years before that, not too long ago, my friend, I know that's like 20 years or so after the war,

but still. Yeah, I mean, I guess so. It just, it made me vaguely uncomfortable the entire time. It was,

and it's the only time you see it, maybe it's his letter writing hat. Well, it's, it's correspondence from the front. It's worse

because it's little Eugene who's always quiet and like talking to his dog. My dearest Martha, monsters have invaded my town. Should this be the last time we correspond? Please know, you have always owned my heart.

Oh man, to him like Ulysses S. Grant is a monster. Exactly. Eugene also does have the stupid to Eric's point, that stupid mummy scene that goes nowhere. Oh, right, where he's like, oh, there's monsters in my room and this dad. I love this dad

character because he comes in. He makes a point right up front. He's like, look, your mother and I, we're going to have sex tonight. And you're not sleeping with me and your mother tonight. What he says in the movie is like, you're not sleeping with your mother and me tonight. And I was like, I know what that means, buddy. Oh, Rob, but I got a problem. I was trying to eat my wife's ash and my kid thought he saw a

monster. Turn out it was just you walking by the window. Definitely go away. Just we go away, I know. Oh, my fucking blonde kids won't let me eat my wife's ass. Had they be blonde? I don't know. Is the other one with you?

I thought I saw a mommy, but it was just his mother wrapped up in toilet paper after. We see somewhere towards the end of this montage, like, Dracula is like, oh, I have a task to do. And he opens this closet. Yes. And there's like three scared cheerleaders inside. Yeah. Who the next time you see them, they're the new brides of Dracula. That's sort of something.

I got to hear these women speak at some point, though. This is like the door opens. This song is playing. You don't hear shit. I don't even know his style for kidnapping women. That's like half of Dracula more. His style for kidnapping women. Surprisingly, even though he's Dracula, the dude,

he prefers the arm cast and a van move on a couch thing. Even though he has supernatural powers. Like some of this listen to Tom Petty as well. Oh, could you hell? Help me move. Don't turn me like that. My arm is broken. I cannot move on this couch.

Ah, yes, officer. I think I recognize her now. Was she a great big fat person? She was an American girl. Did you breastfeed her? Nothing your nipples, didn't you? You know I would fuck me. Dr. Dracula.

Dr. Dracula. Dr. Dracula. Dr. Dracula. Yeah, I'm into it. Oh, totally. Wasn't that as if it's like paging Dr. Acula? Oh, right. Was that S&L?

Somebody did that. Scrubs, actually, I believe, had drugter. That's a joke on scrubs. Well, then that could have come from anywhere. So whatever. Like, it's kind of the final act. We've all got our shit together, is. And we have the most uncomfortable Q&A.

Right here, because we're in the tree house. I just remember Ed Wood has a Dr. Acula pitch. Oh, maybe that's what I'm thinking of. Johnny Depp film. Yeah, I saw it. I was there. No, so they're in the tree house and it's like Rudy and then the brother Patrick. And they're like, they're trying to ask the older sister if she's had sex.

And the way it comes out after a bunch of stammering and yammering is, have you been dorked? Dorked. I've never heard that. This was popular at the time. I was alive at 87. Sure. I'm older than everyone else too. You were fucking, what,

four? But like Wales dicks were super popular at the tone. So people liked saying dork. I think also it's a like an English slang thing a lot more than here. They're dorked over there?

Because one time in the seventh grade I had an English she was an English teacher who literally from England who taught us Russian and I called this kid a dork at one point and this woman fucking flipped out of him. She was like,

don't call him a dork. Like, kick me out of the class, the whole thing. It was fucking crazy. Crazy. And the whole time I was like, what's wrong with dork? Dork, you know.

Because you could hear dork on fucking family matters for sure. Exactly. They just had a vote that was like, Remain or dorked. And everyone voted dorked. They're dorked now, dude. Well, that's it. That's it.

We're truly well in dorked on, do you. We are right dorked. Yes, Jeremy, we're dorked. That would go, that pair well with a right Rimmie. I saw the creature from the Black Lagoon the other day. He gave me a right Rimmie. Oh, no, that was, you just met Ray Ramona. How are you doing, Dame Maggie?

I'm telling you, that guy would be aces and assy It has a ton What gives you this confidence in Ray Romano? He's kind of with Eric here His voice, his cheeks, his lips. Yeah, I think he's got pronounced lips. Yeah, I think it would be fucking great at it. There's nothing wrong with that.

No, yeah, I'm not even, I'm not, I mean, that's a, that is a notable skill to have. You could just, certain people you look, you sense aptitude. It's like athleticism. Yeah, it's him and Paul Sorvino and Dick Tracy. Oh my God. Lips manless. Is that it? Yeah, lips manless.

Lips assless, dude. I'm going to bend over. God. Whatever, man. The end of this fucking movie. I mean, they do have a getting things done montage, which is the cheapest song I've ever heard. Literally, you just got an Italian guy in a studio with a Cassio. keyboard and said go for it.

He's like, potty till your head falls off. Yeah. He's like, what the fuck sub-o-boingo donkey shit is this? You know who did it? The guy who wrote and performed a maniac from Flash Dance. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, same guy.

Interesting. That's terrible news. He's a scumbag, but he's got credit. Is he a scumb bag? He just looks at. Oh. I mean, you're looking at pictures of this guy? I saw a picture of him.

So the idea is, yeah, looks like a scumbag. We're splitting up. They're Rudy and Patrick are going to get the sister. Yeah, they've got to find out if she's been fucked before or not. And I almost called him Chunk. Fat Kid. Eugene and Sean are going to go to the house and steal the amulet, blah, blah, blah. Six, six, six, shadowbrook Road, by the way.

I also love it. It's a great address. It's also like, all right, Andrew, me and you, we're going to go interview your sister. Eric and Chris, you go fucking steal Dracula's teeth from his head. Cool. What is the deal with this house with this amulet because it's like guarded by these crucifixes and shit? So they're trying to get Dracula away from this amulet. But who set it up again?

I mean, I don't remember. I guess it's a thing where like it's Dracula's master plan. They, because they can't get the amul. They will steal it and Dracula will take it from them. Yes, because they're just dumb babies. Right. I don't know if this is a thing where like people. because like at the beginning

when all of these people are getting sucked through the wormhole like you see them all go through sucking people through the wormhole I can't do the voice get over here I'm sure you're gonna put through

this wormhole but I think that maybe the thing is like all right wherever we've landed now you know we have to we have to make a little sanctuary yeah yeah yeah yeah so I think that's okay

can people explain Dracula's ghost card to me, yeah. Because what is this? He turns it on and off like a light. You know what? This is a stretch. This is, it's just one toke over the line, Sweet Mary. If you could do that, why make it a car? Yeah.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Also, you can turn it to a bat what he did a fucking car for? The mermaid's not going to get in there. Who's even in the car? The mummy's not driving it. Also, it's bullshit because it's a hearse and this is not the fucking monsters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bullshit.

He just likes going with a keg everywhere. this Dracula also likes tossing dynamite around this is one dynamite crazy Dracula when does Dracula go to the dynamite store because he's got so much of it I think he got it from another legendary monster LG Yahoo oh of course yeah

you should see him like robbing a mine or something yes I just starts hock and dynamite at people I just imagine him by like Valcomer at the beginning of heat Except for it's at night. Very discreetly. He's got his eyes down. He's got his little card coming out. Yeah.

Something happens in this house that, again, totally invalidates this character, Sean, as the hero of this film. Because they go in and they're snooping around and this is, they have the monster, the Frankenstein's monster with them. And this is where Jack either throws the dynamite and a bunch of the house falls down

and pins the monster. monster underneath. And Horace is like, well, hey, man, we got to help the monster out. And Sean's like, he's fucking dead. We got to go. Fuck that. We're not going to help. He's a fucking monster. He's disgusting. And he's like, no, don't you remember the middle part of the movie, man? We made friends with him. He's like, no, fuck him. He died for us. Like, it's outrageous. This kid's, this kid is the scumbang. Now I'm actively fucking rooting for Dracula. That's what you've done to me. Exactly. He's always been on Dracula. But then again, the monster does actively take photographs of Patrick's older sister

whose age we don't know. This could be child pornography. He should have gone down. It's a frank and proof. That's actually part of the montage. The monster, please come on. Come in. Have a seat here, Monster.

That's part of the montage, though, dude, that I completely forgot about. Rudy goes and gets the photos develop. Yes. And he's looking at them when he comes out of the photo store and he's like, blah. And then the end of that musical montage is Frankenstein's holding the fucking picture up and they're all trying to get it from. And he's like, no, this is mine now. I'm going to jerk off in the tree house. And Patrick's like, yeah, yeah, my sister. Yeah. So when Dr. Frankenstein put together the monster. Sure. How conscious was the genitalia? Like I got to get maybe I'm going to get the

this guy's got a great sack. I'm going to use that part. This guy's got a huge shaft. It's whatever was, it's whatever was on the torso of that. Of course it was. Well, you know, the head looks like a couple pieces. No, I think he's bump. Because why bother, why bother have a bit? What's, it's dead meat. They're all from people, though. I mean, when you die, your prick doesn't fall off. Yeah, exactly. But you patch it over. You patch it over. Why would you pack it down there? Why would you patch it over? Why would you care about the genitalian? All you. making a monster. Oh, no, you're saying if like they had like a full bottom torso. That is what Dr. Frankenstein did. He stole body parts. Yeah, but I thought it was like piecemeal, like a bunch of different ones. And you get the torso and there's a dick on it. You don't get like the thigh doesn't necessarily go with the wing. Let's say you're on your thigh, dude. You get a, let's say you get a leg and it's missing a couple toes and you're like, well, like kind of want it with toes. Yeah. So you find some toes. Mail this back. Brad

Garrett's hung like a horse, I guarantee. Oh, you think so? Yeah, for sure. That's why they call him Tripod Garrett, dude. That's my career, Raymond. Playing Jackie Gleeson and having a huge dick. You're a star. You're a fucking star. If you did porno or like a sex tape came out, would you watch it? I mean, I'd be curious. A Brad Garrett sex tape?

Ooh. Yeah, probably. You have to take a peek. Listen, dude, curiosity. Kill the cat with that one. Okay. He sounds like a bullfrog. Ray Romano joins porn hub community

doing ass munchrons. You checking that out? No. That's probably a no. No, I want to see his face. If I'm going to watch him, sex tape,

I want to see his face. Well, what if you like see his face but then it's like a clips by an ass? Like a big moon comes down. I want a full face. Why am I bothering?

All right. That's all right. I got the answers I wanted. let's move on. So. Chris Gavin, the only person watching pornography

for the faces. It's all about the face. They, yeah, so like Frankenstein's incapacitated. This is the famous Wolfman's

Got Nard sequence. World famous. Throughout time. Dracula steals the amulet from the kids and he's like, see you later and he escapes or whatever, right?

Yeah. And then, or he does steal the ambulance, right? Or does he not? I think so. Or no, this is,

they burn his face. Fat kids got some garlic. They burned his face and he sticks the wolfman on him. This is also the debut of the Brides of Dracula. He doesn't have garlic. He has a pizza piece of pizza. Yes. Oh, is that right?

And you got to think that that kid's eaten that piece of pizza. Oh, yeah, of course. After a little Dracula face on your pizza. It's just a little vampiric. It's just a little vampiric. It's still good. It's still good. And again, Sean, the hero who's like standing away while his friend is cornered by a

fucking werewolf is like, you kick him in the nards just kick him in the nards Wolfman don't got nards and then he kicks him back to the you know Seinfeldian discussion that opened the film and he pops a testicle and this is so this is so iconic that I didn't remember it happened until I watched it yesterday

oh come on you didn't remember Wolfman's got nards that's the title of a documentary about this film that it's out now well I had to remind fold it in half put it in an envelope seal that shit up put a little wax sealer on top of that and mail that to who cares. Yep. Yep.

No way. Not in a million years. No. It's very tough to watch documentaries about movies that people like. There's a lot of them out there. Some of them are worth it. That documentary about how Richard Stanley

went fucking crazy trying to make Island of Dr. Moreau. Worth watching that one. I need the real weirdos. Like you got to do Room 237 except for with every movie. Yes. Yeah, totally.

What are all the conspiracy theories coming out of this movie? I'm sure they're out there. They've got to be. Well, Ray Romano eats ass. That's a big one. The shot of the Pepsi all around the table at old German guys' house is definitely the filmmaker admitting that Ray Romano eats ass. You just got to watch it right.

You just got to watch it. You've been watching Monster Squad wrong all these years. It's Fred Decker's admission. I'm just imagining somebody going, Ray Romano, after this episode, like, Who told you? How do you find out? As you're getting around?

Oh, shit, I'm ruined. I mean, Ray, if you're listening, reach out. We will accept money to take this episode down for us. Oh, nice. No, dude, he's in bed with the Scorsese now. Someone's just going to fucking come to our house and murder us all. What? But we're beloved by the mafia.

That's true. We need the mafia to defend us. We need like a mafia squad, guys. we can unite all the five families Oh shit dude So they They get away And they meet up with the whole gang

And they're like Phil's driving is where they're meeting up Meeting up and the German guy is there now Because he's in on it Right Yeah he's helping out They need somebody with wheels You know

Yeah this is when Dracula goes to the fucking Monscher squad Again the Monskod hangout With Dynamite Shucks it in there And goes meeting a journey It's so awesome. Which is a great line.

It doesn't belong in this movie, but I love it. I mean, listen, dynamite belongs nowhere near this film. But I welcome it at every turn. He's chucking it at the house. He's chucking it at the Wolfman. Like, he is made of, if you didn't know what Dracula's powers were, you would think dynamite where it was involved. Exactly.

He turns into a bat and he throws dynamite. Oh, shit, dude, like a bat dropping dynamite on people from above. That's like a Mario game. This is like the powers that Daniel Plainview should have. There will be blood. He just turns into a bat and he also throws dynamite. He almost blows up his house, but then the dad comes back. They kind of scuffle a bit.

Yeah, they all fight with Dracula here for a little bit. This is, I think, he chucks the dynamite under the car. Oh, and Stan Schott gets it. Yeah. Yeah, which is so unnecessary. He just, damn, we forgot to kill the black guy. All right, we're going to go back. bring everybody back. We got to re-shoots.

Like the single fatality in a film that does not need any non-monster fatalities. Or kill fucking David Preval. If we're doing that, do one of the other. Yeah, all you do is pull that guy out of the fucking plane. That's fine. Kills fucking father. I don't

care. Yes. Yes. You have some stakes, huh? Come on. Stakes. Through the heart. Indeed. So they they're like, okay, we have to go to this town square. There's a church. We can do the ceremony. at, but the church is locked. The monsters encroach

upon the monster squad and now we're just having a big old monster. It's a big showdown on the town square. On their way there is when the mummy eats it because he's trying to get on the back of the guy's car and they just make him get pulled apart. To which Rudy does it by the way. Rudy does it all. See you later. Band-Aid breath?

Yeah. It was all right. I didn't do it for me. It was like, I mean, there's worse lines in this movie. There's also better. But I mean, this goes to show you. You can combine so many of these characters. There's no need. Just give me one kid that's into monsters and maybe he's got the five-year-olds with him. Yeah.

Or it's like if he's the only one of his friends who's really into monsters and they're like, Sean, we just, we don't care, man. We want to go play baseball. No, but the monsters, you know, and then he gets everybody to believe him. Yeah, and then he's proven right. Or like, everybody's doing this. Maybe Patrick kills the mummy, you know, Rudy kills Frankenstein. Everybody should get one.

Yeah. A fat kid does get the gill ma'am. The Gilman's pretty great because he's a, we're in town square fighting. Patrick gets a shotgun from a cop, or a horace, fat kid gets a shotgun from a cop. Well, because there's, there's kind of a, it's pretty stupid, I think, but also kind of cool. I don't know. The shot of Dracula, like walking to the town square, all the cops are like coming at him one by one. Oh, yeah.

He's just like beating the shadow of all these guys. One of those dudes that's just thrown away like garbage is laying there unconscious and this child, because this was back when you could make. these movies where kids are firing guns like this. Sure. He picks it up from one of those guys who's been dispatched. You do see, the Murman also gets like beaten with nightsticks by a couple of people. It's like the fucking, it's like Mystic

River for a second. No, I said I'm talking about vampires, not Murp people. And then he just gets shot. They try to like give Fat Kid any kind of an arc. Because for some reason the kid from the Wonder Years and the other bully are stuck in a comic book store.

Yeah, and they're hiding and they're like, you know, come on out and help and they won't. And then they're like, Fat kid, you killed the monster where you saved us. And he's like, my name is horace. And I would turn that gun on them at that point. I just got the mer man.

Oh, no. A goblin did it. I just saw him running. He overpowered me after I shot the Gilman. That's true. There's so much carnage, who would know? Who would know? Well, I mean, this whole thing's getting covered up by the government. The Pyrman bites it like the

like the end of a fucking easy rider though man that thing really Oh, there's also a great moment here where the cops are firing wildly at Dracula while he's a bat they're trying to like shoot him out of this guy. This is when like you see a shot of half Dracula

half bat which is pretty disturbing. What is that Kronenbergian shit? It's gross. I didn't mind it. At this point also the the werewolf gets a fucking more dick trauma to this poor werewolf yeah

he gets a light he gets dynamite down his pants yeah explodes this is pretty great this is some good Stan Winstoning happening here

but then it's a weird like they have the discussion about like how many ways can you kill a werewolf you know and so he's blown to pieces and you're like well I guess that's a second way

and the werewolf starts like piecing himself back together I'm not the biggest fan of the werewolf genre ever heard of that shit. Is that a thing? I guess if it's not buy a silver bullet the movie's trying to say he can only die via a silver bullet. But also, the

jeans come back together, which I think would not be the case. It's a bit of a stretch. You just need a nude werewolf at that point, which is fine. The red rocket would be stuck up inside him at that point. He's standing up. He's not horny. It's cold. It's cold out, yeah. And then Rudy

shoots him with a silver bullet because Rudy's the fucking best. Woo, Rudy! Are you doing again, Rudy? I'm in the fucking club or the goddamn club, aren't I? I'm in the goddamn club, aren't I? Kind of cool to see the wolfman change back into a man. Yeah, thank. John Grease thanks him.

Yeah, totally. Having mercy on him. So he's dead. Rudy also murders all the brides of Dracula right here. Again, like, what's the fucking? It's the Rudy show. It should be called Monster Squad. It should be called The Rudy Show.

Rudy and the fat kid. that's a better title than Rudy and Monsa squad Rudy and the fat kid That's how you condense it I mean if you know Horace the fat kid has Something to do

Right These two main kids don't do shit And he has got a wardrobe Louder than anybody else In this movie Yeah It's got Hawaiian shirts Upon a white

Oh yeah It's got the Wyatt Coke collection Also Sean says to the wolf Because the wolf man Is fighting with the father Yeah In like the attic of

wherever they are and he goes suck on this you son of a bitch like that's what he says to him when he fucking blows this werewolf's dick apart yeah pretty cool and so like the end it's Patrick and the sister

and the German guy are trying to read this passage and everyone's yelling at the sister because she's dumb in big bold letters well they recruit her because she's apparently taking German in high school and she says that she's a virgin it's not working and then Patrick's like

you're not a virgin are you and she goes well Steve but he doesn't count that's what everybody says but it does count also it's not good it still counts the you is this when you want to read your statement we can stop the episode I was thinking though like push the envelope a little bit with this rating the joke is oh I didn't know hand stuff counted sure something you know mouth stuff whatever you want to do I don't know eating ass count is Yeah, don't. Nothing. It don't count for nothing. I don't love it. That's mouth stuff in our house. And they realize that the little girl thankfully is a virgin, I guess.

Yeah, that's, you know, they're like, oh, wait a minute, a virgin girl. Oh, here you go, little girl. And so then like the guy is saying, you know, the stuff. in German and she's just phonetically responding kind of a thing. The thing opens up around here, but this is where Dracula fucking picks this girl up and just goes, give me the amulet, you bitch, right to this little girl's face.

That was a pretty hard laugh in my house. It's extreme. It's an extreme moment. And I was watching the actor's mouth to see if it was like they had him say something else. Nope. It's just bitch. We weren't dubbing nothing.

Well, apparently she was terrified of him because he was this big fucking. Dracula dude. Well, sure. And, like, the thing is, like, they kept trying to... She would, like, cry. And, like, they were like, oh, when do you want her to cry? Don't worry, she'll be crying.

It's, like, kind of a thing. She'll just cry. Yeah. And the portal opens up. On his way to the portal, Dracula grabs Sean, but Sean stakes him in the heart. Right. Which actually doesn't kill him because he's Dracula or whatever. Well, no, it's a weird.

Dracula's been, like, thrown onto a fence. Oh, right. But then he gets up off of it. It's a wooden stake that does do the job. Oh, gotcha. From Sean, and everything's getting sucked in. Poor old German guy loses his truck. That gets sucked into this portal.

Felt bad about that. Cool effect shot, though. I liked seeing the truck go in there. And then Van Helsing's hanging out in the portal. What is this? Because it's supposed to be like a limbo place. Yeah, so he's in there. So he was trapped in there from a hundred years prior.

But somehow, I guess, was just able to observe human culture as such. so that when he knew that he succeeded and the kids succeeded in helping him, he throws a big thumbs up out to the kids as they pull him back in. He knows where the show is. He knows when it's going to happen. Hey, could you give him a truck back?

No, the thumbs up was just a Romanian wave back in the day. Oh, right, of course. Yeah, it's just a different culture thing. Dracula gets in the portal. Tim and Laura Dern with different colored hair for some reason. It's like, wait, what's going on? Dracula's oddly violent. what the fuck is your deal

it just took what year it is deep it just took me that little reference to make me want to rewatch that oh I've been I've been itching I've been waiting to see if showtime is get a pony up for a fucking 4K UHD release but I don't think it's happened

I think it's blue ray or bust guarantee you as someone who worked at showtime during that run everyone there hates it including upper management trash people fucking trash people do anything beyond Blu-ray I don't think well i guess i'll buy that then um so oh and then poor frankenstein gets sucked in this is a little bit emotional yeah he's and again this is because tom newton's in a different movie like he's acting

and he's getting sucked in little girls like no frankinson you can't go frankins and again like for this to work i need like one more scene in between here like of them like they show them like at a tree house having like a tea party or whatever doesn't do it for me something that's not you know frankestine trying to look at tits yeah that's true that would be good. And then I might feel bad. Beard the kid's beer, maybe. Yeah.

Or it's like he's helping out around the house. Like the dad's trying to fix the car and he just lifts up the, you know, car with one hand. He's teacher Rudy how to like load of guns. Frankenstein rolled joint. I forgot my idea. But look, I'm part of one. Clearly. And then this nonsensical garbage.

way they end this movie with like the fucking army rolls in. Well, out his way out, she throws him the teddy bear and it's kind of nice, I guess. Sure. Yeah, he's going to spend eternity and limbo with a teddy bear. The army rolls in because Dracula's got five stars and Grandin Otto. It's just like, it's all because that kid wrote the letter in that Confederate flag hat. Like, guess what? No one opened it.

We heard a good old boy was in trouble. Oh, that's probably it. Oh, so if, I mean, Dracula. is killing like at least I think two or three cops. Yeah. I think the guys are coming in. It's just, it's so weird that the movie is over with it. It's like, well, here's the army

for no reason. They just want, it's like an ending in search of a button and the button is obviously like, well, what do we call? It's really like the end of all those bad superhero movies like, well, what do you we call you? We're the monster squad. Yep. And we're the monster squad.

I mean, this movie, we're a monster squad. Monster Squad. It reminded me of the Avengers a little bit. Yeah, totally. The Avengers, they did that with that Josh Trank, Fantastic Four. Don't they also do that with Lars von Chirres, The Idiots? Man, that fucking movie, man. I just don't even know about that movie.

How do we know? How do we know? What do we call you? You could call us the town that dreaded sundown. But how are we going to meet up again? What do we, what do we call you? You can just call me citizen, Kane. We can't just leave you out here in the water.

What do we call you? It too, mama, 10 b. I mean, yeah. I mean, there's more there. There can be more there. There doesn't have to be, but they could be. What do we? What do we call you?

And then it's subtitled Godzilla. Yeah. And then it's a weird, like, he says, we're the monster squad. And then it should be like either a freeze frame or you cut to something else. But instead it's like, we're the monster squad. Brief pause for this kid. Yeah. And they all just start dancing.

Yeah. It's almost as if they can hear this wretched fucking titular song that we're told is called the monster squad. and is performed by You guessed it Also the Monster Squad Now that's not the kids from the film No it's just a guy It's just a guy doing a real bad

Like white guy 80s rap It's awful and it's one of those Like terrible movie songs That just tells you everything you just saw And it's like Dracula and Frankenstein Doing a thing and get in the amulet Some guy got the extended synopsis And he's just trying to read it with a beat

And then Dracula is in the plane and then he drops down and Frankenstein's there and the Gilman's around Dracula throwing dynamite Ray Romano taking a bite Indeed. That's it.

That's the Monster Squad. Yippee, yeah, you should have a tattoo of this. Yeah, you know. Fine. Did you see this documentary? No, no, I think it's outish now. Oh, I see.

Yeah, I mean, whatever. I'm not going to watch that. yeah, my son's back to shave me. Well, what should I call you? Ad Astra. You could call me Ed Astra. What the hell do we call you? We're the uncut gems.

I mean, that could be, by the way, I mean, it comes out a few days from when we're recording this. That could be how the Joker ends. Yeah, that's, yeah. I mean, who knows? What are you all doing? here with all these the same jumpsuits. What do we call you?

Call us, us. I don't know. There's just so many of you. How do I refer to all of you? Well, you could call us Hannah and her sister. Would anybody recommend the Monster Squad, though? You know, after all of that, I think not. I think it's a totally innocuous movie to like.

I mean, I think the F-bomb stuff is bad in the beginning. and it's not good I mean like you throw that in there you gotta deal with Bill and Ted as well you know what I mean you can't

right although they got two they do do two you know what I mean so it's twice as bad in Monster Squad but all that aside I just think it's not really for me like

it's funny because I don't I don't like guineas I don't like this but I like stranger things a lot like I like this trope actually kind of explored a little bit larger I guess I don't know

maybe you hate my guts I just didn't like it no it's trash it's absolutely garbage. I think there's like, there's no stakes to this. I didn't feel any, like, again, the problem with it is the Dracula

like is a huge issue. That guy is so bad. I just need him to be a little bit, but I need something to hold us all together other than fucking kids saying the app. And also not for nothing. It's not all on that dude, you know. No, totally, but it should be a better direction for the character. Plenty of problems with this movie.

Yeah, it's just not for me. I just don't want to lay it all on this poor guy. No. And I mean, like, I love the Goonies back then and I think it's trash now. So you can go back to this and see that it's trash. It's fine. Yeah, I will, you know, there's definitely

problems with this film like you guys have mentioned, the Dracula, the homophobia. I will give it a light recommend though because it's kind of just like 80 minutes and it's kind of, it's just like fun, dumb monster shit.

I don't know. I don't know what else to say. It's not. No, it's Yeah, it's not good, but I could see people enjoying it. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of where I sit too. I'm not going to recommend it. My recommendation is you know already whether or not you like this movie or would like this movie. For me, rewatching it for the second time, I was like, you know, it's the Halloween season. We're recording this on October the 1st.

It got me really pumped to just watch. I have the entire Universal Monster movie box set thing, all of them. I love going back through some of those, you know. So it's just a lot of me watching this movie was me planning my watching schedule of other movies. It's totally innocuous background noise, whatever. And again, if you watched it as a kid in 1987, I totally understand why you're going to love it. Like that Ninja Turtle's movie, that first one, is a piece of shit. But I watched it as a little kid and I like it.

You're breaking Steve's heart. I don't know about that. Steve, you know, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Well, before we leave, I just realized something we have to address. Like, this is kind of what that whole dark universe was building up to. Yes. Yeah, I think you're right. And look what happened.

They should have figured it out of a monster squad movie. I'm surprised they've been remade already. Yeah, remake it. And they can hunt Woody Allen and fucking Roman Polanski. It was hiding in the Romani. It's a Roman the Polansky. The airplane opens up and he's just. Floating.

Yeah. Harder Weissing could be the werewolf. Or you know what this would have made is a good like television show. Sure. I mean, because like stranger things works in that way. So like you could do this as a television show. Like one season per monster. Like oh, this season.

Yeah. Mummies happening. You know, in the next season. Boy, that season will be a real crawl. See, I can do it too. But, you know, I can't wait to see it unraveling. That is the Monster Squad directed by Fred Decker

If you want more We Hate Movies Check out patreon.com slash we hate movies Where this month We have a full length bonus episode on Stanley Kubrick's The Shining Under our We Love Movies banner Not only that on animation damnation We did a treehouse of horror

The Treehouse Horror Horror 5, a good one Arguably the best Some may say We just did kind of a we love movies Animation damnation Which is kind of a new thing We just kind of did it Because we wanted to do it

What the hey? And the nexus was fun this month. And also we're talking about the devil man, I believe, on the Gleap Glossary. That's correct. Yeah, we have this side show that we kind of just started where I read these old Star Wars tidbits and the guys kind of ripped them to shreds. So check it. What's this guy's name? Romo the fart farian.

Yeah, you got it. Romo the fart farian on Patreon.com slash we keep movies. So that unfortunately wraps up the 20. 2019 Halloween spooktacular. But as always here in Wehey movies, there's another week just around the bend. There's another Tuesday coming around the corner. Steve Sadek, as we go into November, what are we talking about next week? Yeah, here comes the rooster.

It's Terminator Salvation. Yeah, here comes the rooster indeed, dude. Yeah, we got a guest coming in. David Sims, a blank check will be here next week. That's right. We're going to be talking about this. as I recall, pile of horseshit movie. I saw it once in the theaters and never again.

Until we have to do this episode. I remember not liking it. Yeah, I didn't like it. This is a, it's a Mick G. Phil? I believe so. Oh, you don't get to hear that much these days. No, you don't.

So until next week with the Mick G joint, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Seda. Chris Cabin. Eric Sisker. Take it easy. And happy Halloween. We all go a little mad sometimes.

You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare. Sometimes, death is better. The zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in! It is time to keep your appointment with the command. They're coming to get you, Barbara. Barbara.

I sick for fucks you've seen one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos. More creative. What's the fucking looser in the bag? That was an excellent day for an exited. That was a hate gum podcast.