We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 454 - Kindergarten Cop (Live in Portland)

Episode Date: November 19, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang is live from majestic Portland, Oregon discussing the 1990 family comedy/hardened police drama, Kindergarten Cop! Recorded on the recent west coast tour at the beautiful Aladdin Theater, the gang wants to know just why this movie starts like a scene from To Live and Die in L.A., what was with that vomit montage, and did the film really need that domestic violence sub-sub-subplot? PLUS: Jesse "The Body" Ventura auditions for some non-existent voice over roles in the film! Kindergarten Cop stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Penelope Ann Miller, Pamela Reed, Linda Hunt, Richard Tyson, Carroll Baker, Cathy Moriarty, Richard Portnow, and a bunch of rotten children; directed by Ivan Reitman. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I've found out of long ago. So don't wake out at Holiday Road Holiday Road One, two, One, two, three, four. Those are the only only numbers. Portland, what is happening? What is happening?

How many of you were born in a story? Or maybe somewhere else like California. Shut up. Wow. Holy shit, dude. Shut up! Shut up! Time out.

We're doing the podcast. Excuse me. There's a bit of prop comedy. happening here. Do you want to get up and show everybody? Show the class what you brought today. It's a whistle and my name is John Kindergarten. John Kindergarten. I'm on the cover.

Oh, I see. Fair enough. We did also bring a ferret, but it didn't make it. Yeah, it turns out when you pack an animal that small under the plane, it just freezes. You're supposed to feed them, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, it was feed, not freeze. No, no, no. My name is Andrew Jupin.

I'm Eric Siska. I'm Chris Cabin. Steven Sadek. And we are We Hate Movies from New York City. How are y'all doing this night? Hi, everybody. How many of you all saw us the last time we were here a couple years back? Right on, right on.

Like those people. Well, there's much more of you this time, so thanks for coming to hang out with us this fine evening. Let me ask you this. Also, how many of you here are familiar? What? No, no, we already did the Born and the Story a bit. I know, I know, I know. You did it, it's slayed. I think it broke.

Oh, really? The $4 whistle you bought on Amazon broke? That's fucking shocking. Did you take the ball out of it? I'll take a ball out of you. Okay. Are familiar with the show we run on the Internet. Cool. if you're not

if you're here on a first date which bad choice to the asker sorry we apologize first off we are a comedy show normally found on the internet where we take a movie like the one you just saw

the preview for and just kind of make fun of it like sort of poke at it a little bit for the rest of the evening here is the gist did I get that right that's the rundown of this show let me doing this for almost 10 years

how many of you are kindergarten graduates Okay, all right. Hey, look at that. A couple. So you all know how to paint, draw, a little bit, share. Sharing is important. You've all been to police school, I assume.

Fucking police school, dude, that is weird. If I go, if I'm like Linda Hunt, who plays the principal and I just, like, peer in, and I just see police school written on there, I'm like, this is not going the way I wanted it to. If you walked in a few minutes late, This is Kindergarten Cop from 1990, directed by Father's Day's Ivan Reitman.

Right, that's what you normally do when you want to highlight a director. You pick one of the best movies he ever did. Yes. And say it. Of all time. Right. It's the best movie to feature a Mark McGrath

and Sugar Ray cameo in it. Is he like of Sugar Ray or is he playing a construction worker in that movie? No, I believe it's Billy Crystal and Robin Williams go to a Sugar Ray concert because that's where they think the daughter is. I think. Okay.

I also don't care. But they're in it, and they're just like, you know, every morning there's a head. And, you know, Robin Williams was hooting and hollering, and, you know. That's exactly right. But this is not that. This is kindergarten cop.

How many of you saw this movie before we announced the tour? Of course you have. And how many of you watched it for the first time in advance of tonight's program? Wow, that's pretty surprising. Late to the party. You know, you're a potty pooh-pa.

It's me the party-pupa. I think, like, in 2019, you could rename this movie the source of that fucking soundboard. Yes, definitely. Because if you go back to it, it's like 99% just this movie, and then one I'll be back thrown in. For good measure.

I do think, I mean, you all saw the trailer. This was one of those trailers. I swore it was like, first he took on the predator. Then he hunted down Dan Hadea. And then he went up against Linda Hamilton. But now

he's really up Shitscreen. Well, if you look at that trailer close enough, it looks like he's going to use that shotgun on the kids. That's how you get people in the theater, dude. It's the most dangerous game of all. You're going to hunt a kid is hard enough. Hunting 30.

of them? Yeah, that's a lot. You need a shotgun. Definitely scattershot, definitely. Ooh, this has a remake of the most dangerous game. I'm very happy. The widowist most dangerous game. By the way, skating on thin ice. Yeah, uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So, Steve, if you had to boil down this movie really quickly to its, like, cinematic essence, like the juice, what's this movie? Arnold Schwarzenegger was tired of playing a robot. so he decided to be a lovable question mark a teaching robot

I am a teaching robot now you are the learning computer oh no the T-1000 is taking the form of the safety scissors why are you screaming I'm just taking out its microchip oh that's a hot yeah he's a cop

that has to go undercover as a kindergarten cop not policing the children but sussing out who the one kid is that's like the son of the criminal he's obsessed with who he will end up winding up raising which is kind of weird yeah he really fucks this dude over not only does he not only does he murder him by the end of this movie he fucks his ex-wife and raises his son fuck you crisp this is multi-tier cucking That's right. Oh, I'm not going to just send you to jail.

You'll wish I sent you to jail. Your son is going to call me daddy. I'm going to give this speech at your son's wedding. It's going to get real weird. Yeah, I know he's six. Wait a while. And I remember the first day I killed his father. Shot him through him so many bullets.

You look so beautiful. now with your bride. This reminds me of the time I went undercover when I met Dominic to kill his father. He became father by force. That's amazing.

This movie, I have to say, one of the things it gets rid of, and I don't recall seeing it again until that movie, End of Days. That was the Arnold Devil movie? He has the most sextacular 5 o'clock.

Shadow at the start of this movie. Holy shit. The beard's working. The beard's working real well. And then he's also got this trench coat that goes all the way to the floor. It's fucking cleaning up the town. Between the beard the trench coat and the fucking

electrician goggles, he's wearing his sunglasses, he looks like a fucking assassin from the moon. I think this is a total recall sequel. We're done with Mars. After Mars, the most dangerous surface on earth is kindergarten. He looks like he's auditioning to play John

Constantine. And I mean, not for nothing. He's running around L.A. at the beginning of this movie, shotgun tucked in that duster, the Gary Oldman in Dracula sunglasses. It's John Constantine, and not for anything, I love Keanu. Love Keanu, love Keanu,

Kianu back tattoo. Show the people. Better John Constantine. Arnold would have been a better John Constantine. made up that thing about the backtack tape. I have one tattoo and it's right here. Can I test the audience's memory? Mail this back to five minutes ago.

Cohegan, those children need milk. Right? Nice, dude. Nice boomeranging of the joke. I like it. I wasn't going to let it go. I was like, no, it's too good. Hey, man, I've got five kindergartens to feed. Start the lesson plan.

This movie starts out as a different movie, and it's kind of like, if you're watching this and you're in your mid-30s, you're like, I just want that movie to stay. Because it's Arnold, in the aforementioned John Constantine outfit, hunting this scumbag, be-pony-tailed drug dealer, at a mall, and I think it's the same mall from Commando and Chopping Mall and Fast Times.

So instantly, you're just thinking about, like, three better movies right there. Yeah, it's true. I mean, it has to be the same ball because the bad guy is smoking in the middle of it, which is really something. It was a sight to behold, and no one seems to mind. I mean, you're shooting this movie

in 89, no one cared. It was great. What a time to be alive. So the setup is Crisp, who's our proponent-tailed bad guy. What a stupid... I'm sorry, Steve, but what a stupid name. Not only that. It's one of the fucking little snapcrackling pop

guys. Yes. Chris. Chris, It's Cullen Crisp. His full name is Cullen Crisp. Cullen Crisp. That's like temp shit that you never changed. Which, by the way, the actor was just arrested in Alabama for being drunk and disorderly. Them Duke Boys get up to all sorts of trouble. Yeah, also, classic mugshot, I think he totally still has that ponytail.

It does put Bucity to shame a little bit. He's had a wild night. He looks like abomination from the Incredible Hulk. Oh, I had to think about what there was a second. Tim Roth? No, it's... Yeah, yeah, Tim Roth. Yeah, all right.

I knew I was right. Yes. All right. So Colin Crisp is looking for his wife and child, who ran away from him, been there. On which end? You know what? I love you guys, if you're listening. I really do.

No, it's easy. His wife and kid are, like, are hiding, and this one, like, drug addict dude knows where they are. And he sets up this meeting. in a fucking mortuary. Like, this guy is clearly going to kill you, man. It's like, I have to give you this very important information. And it's at a mall. We're going to go to the mall.

And all of the public spaces that you have in a mall. The food court? Pretty crowded there. Lobby of the movie theater? Also lots of people. I'll meet you by the ladies' shoes in Foot Locker, man. Like, we'll talk there. No, no, no, no.

The rare morgue in the mall? Let's go there and meet. Well, if this is the mall from Commando and Chopping Mall, they need more. They did install one of those after those two movies, man. But this guy's going to give him information. He's like digging his own grave while he does it. It's true. So wait, Mr. Crisp, why do I have to be down in this hole when I tell you the source of your family?

Why are you throwing dirt on me? Why do you have gloves on? Can you get those off? Could you take those off? So if I tell you the information, I keep digging, and the treasure will be down here? Uh, yeah. This is a neat sleeping bag, Mr. Crisp. It's got my name and date of birth on it.

And he, this guy's got like some lady friend that's hiding behind some boxes. Stacy. Stacey. I kind of feel like this is, you're about to go on a date. It's like, I got to meet this guy real quick. And now all of a sudden, you're in the, you're in the back alley of a mall and this, you know, it's a real bad scene, is what it is. She does claim, like, I don't even know this guy. I think that's just your standard lying to police.

No. But it sounds like it could be a first date. This is all plausible, Steve. Because he's like, she's like, you have to ask this guy for a thousand bucks to give the information and Crisp isn't going to do. And also, like, why murder this guy when you could just give him a grand? Like, I don't know, you're a drug dealer. You're a successful drug dealer, Crisp.

Or give him like 50 bucks. You know what I mean? This guy's also a really bad negotiator, though, because he's like, all right, Chris, I have your information for $1,000. You know what? I can back off at that, $750 is totally fine. Like he instantly starts pulling back, and it's all for like

scag money too. So you could seriously just give him like $200 and it's fine. And you already know that Detective John Kimball, who is Arnold, is on your trail all the time. Why give him a reason to come after you again? Also Arnold is doing an incredibly bad job of

following this guy. He's like shoving people down the escalator including, did you catch the one lady he gives like a hard shove or two, looks exactly like Louie Anderson in baskets. Like, down to the dress she's wearing. It's awesome.

Oh, no, I fell at the mall. Again. No, no, yeah. It was great working with Arnold. He shoves with the best of him. Arnold's a real professional shover. I think we're all being a little hard on crisp, though. I mean, his partner, Snap just died the other day.

So he murders this guy pretty quickly. He's like, hey, the guy's like, yeah, your wife is in Astoria, Oregon, right, guys? Oregon, that's where you're born. Anybody from a story? Addie curiosity, not so much. Oh, there you're going. One person, nice.

Dominic, you're here. Oh, hi, guys. Hi. This kid is a three-pack-a-day smoker. This kid sounds like Louie Anderson. My lasers. This kid starred in movies with James Woods in the 70s. Yama in kindergarten, but I love the small.

Smoking's great. You can do it in the mall. You do it during nap time. So he shoots this dude in the heart. the lady freaks out obviously Right in the heart huh?

Right right there And that's the little way to kill a junkie Is to shoot him right in the heart And And she's freaking out So Kimball is like Oh no there's been a murder I have an idea

I'm going to handcuff you to a corpse I'm a lovable guy Steve was looking up all the police inconsistencies in this movie apparently it's illegal to handcuff someone to a corpse that was news to me Steve you know what you could drive a truck through that it's a pretty big plot hole

you could drive a truck through that broom broom you better fucking double shift here comes a plot hole well you want to talk about police plot holes in this like you got this missing kid like this attempting Chris wants to kidnap this kid there's money going across state lines wouldn't this be FBI? What the fuck

is an LAPD detective doing? That's a really good point. The FBI would definitely be involved. Also, isn't this unless there's some like detail that I'm not remembering as to how they justify this isn't this one of those like just level head you're thinking for a second and the movie doesn't exist? Like

let's just calmly question some kids. Yeah. Why do you need to be a fake teacher? It just seems like, take a few days. Yeah. Bring a child psychologist into the mix. Definitely missing one of those for this movie. I don't know. Did they exist yet?

I don't know. Oh, yeah. No, child psychologists weren't invented yet. You're right. I think the theory is that you would scare them off, but then just wait for the one that runs away. Yeah, that's true. What the hell?

Oh, you have one asked the question, and then one waiting back for them to run away. That's the one. I have a few questions for you. Run! So he also gets a new partner right around the same time. And I think it's a thing. So this woman was supposed to be

the fake teacher because she used to be a teacher. She was going to be the kindergarten cop. She was going to be the titular kindergarten cop. And then she got like Deazex fucking diarrhea. Or it's like food poisoning or something? Been there. She thinks it was the crab salad. Well, there's some weird bit where she's like,

oh, I'm hypoglycemic, so that means I'm just, like, eating everything, like, cookie monster. And then, yeah, she's reeling off all this stuff that she ate, and she just starts... There's a montage of this woman vomiting in this movie. Yeah, all said to this, like, Plinky, Randy Newman-esque piano. Dude, not for this movie.

Bada-da-da-da-dun-d-Roc! And Arnold has to keep, like, hauling her over his shoulder, like, Yeah, you fucking threw up again. Here we go. You owe me a new duster. This is really expensive. Apparently you don't know how much dusters can run you.

This is an Armani duster. Dude, does Armani make dusters, man? I don't know. In the 90s, they should have. Yeah. So, like, they find this woman, and they're questioning her. She does not want to be a witness, which is her right, by the way. Am I being detained?

Can I please leave? Always what you gotta say. I don't give a fuck if you are the kindergarten cops. That is not gonna stop John kindergarten, dude. He fucking tracks her down to this like flop how she's staying in. He shoots

a couch with a shotgun. And this is where I'm like, now we're talking. Look at this movie. It's Arnold. He's in Los Angeles with a shotgun. I'm getting like Terminator vibes all over again. Fuck yeah. Stacey. I love you. I'm going to be around you all the time.

Weekends, holidays, birthday parties. Russia Shana. There's good cop, bad cop, and sexually intimidating cop. I'm the third one. By the way, I should point out, it's not just a shotgun. It's a shotgun with a laser sight. A thing that does not exist.

You got to be really fucking bad, dude. if you need a laser on a shotgun that's the whole point of the shotgun is you can be shitty that's why drunk farmers have them all the time. Yeah, it's a shit gun. That's why Dick Cheney had it. Yep.

What if we came to a different understanding and I shot you in the face? What if we came to a different understanding and I became a kindergarten cop? Who's your daddy, you know? Oh, I'm having a heart attack. Geez, I'm having a heart attack. So, uh, we received some classified intel that this kindergarten would be struck by two

airplanes and, uh, well, frankly, we let it happen because we wanted to, we wanted to, we wanted to frame the third graders on that. We're, uh, fairly confident that, uh, this grade school in Astoria, Oregon has, uh, weapons of mess destruction. Uh, heart attack. Uh, it's a fair, oh, nope, it's a heart attack. So in this scenario where everything is switched, would, you know, it's a heart attack. scenario where everything is switched, would

George W. Bush read a story in the Twin Towers then? You connect with the dots over there, dude? Yeah, going back. It's actually great. Yeah, so he like intimidates this woman where she does identify Crisp. Chris gets arrested and they're like, okay, yeah, but we're never

going to trust a junkie, so you need to find his wife who's in Astoria, Oregon. And that's what sort of sets the movie going a little bit, right? That's what does it. Then all the diarrhea happens on the road. Oh, and Angela Bassett shows up for like 13 seconds. The only

movie ever that doesn't stop dead because Angela Bassett's on screen. Ivan Reitman didn't know what he had in his hands, dude. He was in the presence of greatness, and he whiffed. Terrible. You know who almost...

IMDB, as we know, it's spotty information at best, but you know who almost was the kindergarten copper was thought to be the kindergarten cop? Angela Bassett? No. I wish. Ralphie May? No. What the fuck? He was like nine years old.

Swinging for the fences. Bailey Joe Osmit, says Chris Cabin. No, uh, Jack Nicholson or Danny DeVito. I mean, Nicholson, I think, could have worked because they would have given us the line like, it's just like, when Dominic's like telling Arnold about, like, you know, the bad people, whatever? Yeah.

You could have Jack Nicholson being like, something about the bad people coming. He had to take his toys in the middle of the night. Yeah, he would have to be, like, just as easily aggravated as he is in The Shining for that to work. I'm outlining a new kindergarten project.

When I'm in here, I'm... Who's your daddy, and what does he do? When I'm in here, I'm teaching. When I'm in the kindergarten, you don't fucking come in here. I think we got ourselves a better movie Hold this chicken drawing between your knees Chicken drawing

Take your toy back to the fucking carpet And so like yeah She's too sick to be the teacher for the first day So it's like I will be the teacher It'll be the same thing basically no big difference and then it's awesome because he gets to the school and Linda Hunt who's like the principal

is like I don't think you were supposed to be the teacher and he's just like yeah change of plans and I'm like no no you're a school administrator that's an unacceptable answer as to why you thought some like 30 year old lady was walking in here and then this fucking towering Austrian came in call someone about this? Yeah, the agency.

But I think she's running Arkham Elementary here. Because do you hear the conversation that's happening when he comes in there? And she, uh, what's it, uh, the, the, the, love interest.

Angela Bassett? Penel B. Ann Miller. Oh, yeah. Penelope Ann Miller is talking to his kids like, look, I know you wanted to punch him, but you shouldn't have poisoned his hamsters. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's some horrifying shit.

Well, then you could, that that kid was being loaded into the paddy wagon at a minute. He takes out his umbrella and makes him fly. Yeah, I actually as a kid, because I saw this be a bunch for some reason, I always thought Arnold

was like 6'9 because in this movie he's next to kindergartners and Linda Hunt. And it was like fucking Shaquille O'Neal the entire time. Linda Hunt, you will be the T-1000. I just imagine that I imagined that tiny little old lady

turning into liquid metal and it was pretty cool she could go through like a keyhole she's small like she's just on one of those like NCIS shows and she's like all right hello cool Jay see you later oh no

she turned into a pocket knife look out here comes the corkscrew titanium aloe liquid hands. But also, yeah, to your point, like, she doesn't check Arnold out. He just as easily could have killed this lady and then his impersonating,

oh, change of plans. He's like his blood behind his ears. Also, because she is hip to the whole police thing. It's not like they're trying to dupe her. So it's like, there's this whole thing, possibly, well, clearly criminality is involved in some way.

Oh, yeah. Like this big Hulk and motherfucker comes in. Call the police. Not the kindergarten police, the actual, police. Police that have jurisdiction in Oregon. Yeah, again, this movie doesn't acknowledge states existing.

Yeah, so he goes in there and he's not a very good, he meets the class. We meet a lot of wacky kids. Most importantly, Miko Hughes probably. Yes, yes, yes. And Beethoven Girl. Oh, Beethoven Girl's in there as well. Isn't there another couple of weirdos in there? What are those twins from? They're in something.

The Shiner. Oh, no, that's Camp Nowhere you're thinking of. Yes. Yes. Come play with us, Arnold. No. Got a bunch of little kindergartners in the games room. I'm so glad so many of you remember that throwaway line from the Shining.

I actually, I do feel like if Miko Hughes went up to Jack and Inkinson was like, boys have a penis, girls have vagina. He'd be like, yeah, I fucking know, bow. I got laid this morning, short rough. I hung out with Warren Bady in the 70s, man. What do you think I do when I'm not here teaching? Or, you know, kid, you're all right. Yes. Yeah, you know what? I think that might be it.

Top of the class, Andy. Now I'm telling you, Linda Hunt, he's a special boy. Him and Dominic are smoking cigarettes on the side of the road. Yeah, and this little girl has to go to the bathroom. She doesn't know how to get out of her outfit. So he goes, now he's like flirting with

Penelopee Ann Miller a little bit, right? Yeah, which wouldn't you? Yeah, sure. But at work? Oh. Yeah. Well, it's like fake work for him, though. That's true. This is all acting. None of this matters. Who cares what they fucking learn?

These kids will not be sharing. Do not share. I'm fine with the flirt. It's doing it in front of her son. That's a little weird. Well, he doesn't know it at the time. I guess it's... That he's teaching the son.

Listen, you either go on the date with me or I hold your child back. Oops, looks like someone's grades are slipping. What, your kindergarten grades? Dude, they slip for me, man. They fucking slipped. Dude, were you a kindergarten repeater? I don't know, pre-first, dude. It makes you feel better.

Wait, what? Pre-first. So, wait. We went over this before on the show. But I smoke a ton of weed, and I don't remember. Sure. And not in front of all these nice, fine people. It's why I'm so much older than you guys.

Kindergarten, so it was kindergarten, which you did grade at. Yeah. And then your school had a pre-first grade. Right. I think it was like a tax loop. pole. Like K.5. Were you the only kid in that class? It was just Eric in a room closet?

There were like 25 motherfuckers in this thing. Oh, that's a scam. That's a scam. There's no way there's that many dumb kids in one class. I think, you know, I think I just infected them all. Oh no, we got us stupid. Eric, those weren't grades. They were just trying to teach you the alphabet. Well, I shit my pants the first day of first. grade and I feel like my teacher was like, can he go back?

Because I think the one thing you're supposed to learn in kindergarten is to not shit your pants. Yeah, yeah, you got to know what the toilet is for. That's the one thing. Maybe that's how they start pre-first grade is like, oh, that kid shit his pants. Pre-first grade.

All right, class, unit one, the toilet. Okay, in communication skills, he gets a star, but in not shitting his pants, a big circle. I did shit my pants every day That's true Circle kid I see

So like it's not going well for Arnold Because he's a big tough guy And that's a joke And everyone's like The kids are screaming And he does the shut up bit Which is hilarious Shut up

That's the one And he just brings this fucking One two three four Those are the only numbers He keeps this fucking ferret in like a plastic bag the entire movie like... Well, this is fucking crazy because they travel

from Los Angeles all the way up here. Including airplane, driving, motel. She doesn't even know it exists. This is a real problem. It's shitting in his coat. That duster is big. Big time. What's it eating?

Also the coat. Arnold droppings. It's in a coat habitat. You can't just just secretly bring a fucking marmit on a work trip, man?

A marmit? Are you 97 years old? Bend over and I'll show you. Okay. Maybe later. But I guess a pre-9-11, you can just bring ferrets on planes? Oh yeah, this is my ferret. This is my shotgun with a laser.

Well, it was before that ferret famously tried to have that bomb in his ferret shoe. Yeah, of course. Got it. Which is why now all ferret ferrets have to take their shoes off at the airport. It's a big day for ferret kind. Seems like we have a marsupial jihad on our hands. I guarantee you marsupial jihad is the name of some

like shitty punk band somewhere. They're playing down the street later. No, and like, so yeah, he freaks out and he's left his ferret in the car, like with all the windows closed. He's like, all right, I'm going to calm them all the kids down. Who wants to pet this? feral animal. And this is crazy because the kids

start petting it and he's like, okay, one at the time, fun at the time, and they're all just fucking grabbing this animal. And they descend on this thing like zombies. He's like yeah, go for it. Yeah, now we're having fun. Also, yes, yes.

But this ferret also has no name. Yes. Because it's expendable. Going through the desert on a fiat with no name. It's good to be out of the rain. Oh, Cote of the Barbarian 3 sucks. Actually, question, because this ferret has no name.

It's possible he has like 10 ferrets in that coat. Oh my God, you're right. I think it's like, okay, now the kids kill that one. Wait, I have to go to my car again. Hang on. Look, he's back. I call this one T-800. Oh, no.

I've got the magic trick. New ferret. You kids may have thought that you squaws the eyeballs out of fad but here he is with eyeballs in tact wouldn't it be a better movie

if that ferret was talking to him? Yep. It's like giving advice and not like that moving mouth shit like that garbage lion king it could have been an Arnold buddy Jesse the body Ventura

possibly doing the way Oh yeah Oh trying to get the voice of the ferret you mean? Yes Oh shit I hear you've got an animal movie coming up I could do that

You know, I'm not above or below voicing an animal, buddy. You know, I've eaten pellets for a long time, buddy. I think you would be kind of ironic if this ferret that I was voicing had a rat tail. Could you imagine a ferret with a rat tail? Then it would have two tails.

And I'm like helping you solve murders and stuff. Call me back. Please. Or other ways, I could be the first grade teacher who's like, what's that kindergarten guy's problem? I think he's wearing a wire. Or it could be reversed and we slowly become best friends. And I'm like, who's that kindergarten teacher?

He's a real cool dude. All right, Ivan, I just got one question. This ferret that I'm voicing. Does he know the real deal about Iran Conch? Yeah, if that ferret's eyes aren't open, man, I'm not going to voice it. Actually, question, is he wearing a wire this whole movie? Arnold? Yeah. I don't think so.

Okay. I don't think he'd get it to work. This is a kindergarten interview, take one. We're looking for, okay, who is your daddy? Who is your daddy? And what does he do? Did you get that that the girl has vagina? Headquarters, headquarters come in.

Must investigate further. Make note of a kid who made penis vagina comment on for future crimes later. Oh, fuck, yeah, it's like Mind Hunter. Well, I seem to remember the first instinct I ever had. There was an Austrian man who pretended to be my kindergarten teacher.

Oh, no, it was Mikhail. who's his idea to put the ferret on the cross. Poor Tench, man. That guy's got his shitty life. But yeah, he does start interviewing the whole class about, like, you know, let's just talk about our fathers for no reason. This is depressing.

My father was a secret police. I'm a policeman. Just a regular, regular, cool policeman. But, like, we sat through that, puk montage already. And then the next montage is like the fucking, just like a who's who of dads with shitty existences. Yes. Yeah. Like, it's just one kid after another, like, well, my dad doesn't

go to work after the car crash. Yes. And then one kid's like, my dad sits home and thinks about death all day. My dad sits around watching TV all day. He's a podcaster. It's creepy when the twins call their dad a sex machine. Get the fuck out of here, movie. There is a great, there's a great bit of editing, though, right there, Steve, because they say that, and then they cut to Arnold, who's, like, side-eyeing, and then he just quickly makes a note.

Why? How does that help the case? I need sex tips. I need sex tips. Okay, I'm learning a lot. There are vaginas somewhere. I got to find out that. And your father is a sex machine. Great. Da-da-da-da-da. It's liquid sex. It's not just that they say their dad is a sex machine.

They say, our mom says our dad is a sex machine. So, like, I really hope those kids just picked up the phone at the wrong time. Got it. And it's not just, like, an after-church brunch. All right. Girls, sit down. Your father is a sex machine. Sheen.

Noted. No, you look at this man. You look at this man. Your dad, he fucks. He's great at it. Usually just me. Isn't that right, Dave? Yeah, and we... So more movie happens.

The whole movie happens and then we leave, right? No. No, so like, um, The weird thing is, like, he fucks up the first day really badly. The ferret bails him out. And he's all like, oh, man, you have to go in tomorrow, my partner. And she's, like, feeling better. She's like, no, that would blow the case. Like, I don't know, it's a fucking substitute.

Doesn't matter. Yeah, you can just get another one. It's also not that fraud of a situation. No kid's going to shoot her if they think he's an undercover cop. Hey, are you wearing a wire? Hey, this bitch is wearing a wire. Get her! Y'all, I knew it from the start.

Yeah, I could smell red on you. It's me, the ferret. You all bow to me now. What is he taking over? The kindergarten class. Oh, I see. Oh, the ferret's teaching the class? Yeah, yeah. It's like Lord of the flies.

He's driving the bus. Yop, I'm a ferret, but I need to find the co-mater. And they get it. The deep cut, we like it. What? We love deep cuts. Oh, yeah, deep cut. Yeah, Linda Hunt might be Shikundish.

Oh, definitely, dude, just like an intergalactic assassin hiding in the body of an old lady. Listen, the guardian of the universe takes many forms. Sometimes I look like Jesse Ventura. Sometimes I look like a ferret. A brachis. are there times I look like Linda Hunt which is kind of a cross

between a person and a ferret She's great She's great That's when I get stuck during the transformation There's a couple of like red herring kids Because Arnold's trying to find out who the kid is Who is Crisp's son There's one kid who his mom is played by Kathy Moriarty

Who like actually Like uses a doll to look up kid's skirts And like, Kathy Moriarty's doing this? No, the son does. No, I knew that. I just thought we need to clarify. And the kid, his mother comes in for like a weird, like, gay intervention. She's like, listen, I think my son's playing with dolls and it's like this.

Yeah, it's a thing. She actually does that. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, oh, no, don't worry about it. He uses it to do sex crimes in class. That's perfectly fine. She is so relieved to get this news that her son. Oh, my God, isn't gay.

It's just a fucking mind hunter waiting to happen. Don't worry, he's a serial killer. It's totally fine. He's going to grow up to join a fraternity. Oh, yeah, he uses the dolls to look up girl skirts. He uses the arm brace to make them think that he's pretty weak. Hey, Poppy, we got a new recruit for skull and bones. The kid's got a play school

fucking couch he's trying to pull into it. Hey, can you help me move this couch? I heard you listen to Tom Petty back there. He's putting it on the back of his tricycle. The cops are knocking on the clubhouse door. He's like, oh, yeah, I think I remember her. Was she a great big fat person?

Goodbye horses. I do love that he fat shaves that little kid he like shoves this like he almost gets fucking rough with this kid this kid's gonna be choking on those Cheetos in a second and here's the thing there's a way to deal with this you have a kid in this classroom who like the shot is like a tracking shot

of all these open lunch boxes like a bear broke into a fucking campground and then it's the end of it it's like him he's like poo bear sitting up against the cubby's just eating shit And you can be like, hey, man, stick to one lunch, preferably yours. Don't eat the other kids' lunches, though. That's a bad thing to do.

Yes. He's like, oh, what are you doing, Fati? All these are your lunches? This kid spits out what looks like three bags worth of Cheetos into one big hunk. It's disgusting. You know what he's doing there, dude? He's chewing him and sucking all the cheese powder down first. Guys, that's exactly what he's doing.

doing. That's how he gets his strength. Yep. That's what happens to him, so I heard. Stop making me hungry, man. We'll get you plenty of cheese saliva later. Okay, the only way I'm going to gain power in this school, if I make

it a police school, a school for the police. Yes, this... I'm going to look toward my favorite movie, Police Academy. This is a state. I mean, school, school. I mean, if all of a sudden, this

substitute teachers marching kids through the hallway counting off as they take six. I try, drive, fear! Just like that. Somebody say something. Linda Hunt is like, weren't there 24 students last week?

Why are they only 19? Yeah, but who's counting? My fat was hungry. Those children have been relocated. So he's kind of getting better at it, right? Being a kindergarten cop a little bit?

He is, and Linda Hunt is falling for his method of teaching here. She's just like, again, it's another montage. This movie's like 60% montages. And it's her like looking through windows watching him like berate these children like, yeah. You know, this towering

motherfucker's got some good ideas. And while all this has happened, you heard it in the trailer as well it's the end of a Randy Newman song that he demanded be burnt and it's just like all throughout this movie that's like da-da-dan da-da-da-da-da

and he's marching kids it's kind of weird it's really unsettling he's also like he's like becoming friends with Dominic who's like my other teacher is better than you my fucking baseball coach

is better than you the guy who sells me cigarettes is better than you my bookie is better than you my bartender's better than you my coke guy yeah he's better well the weird thing is this is twins do both of them

sound like that oh yeah it's one of those like Mary Kate Ashley O's situation they split every cigarette I see they can't handle one all them by themselves yeah but no so they don't want to get them mixed up though one of them's a menthol kid smart

smoke up boys this is when he kind of accidentally goes on a date with Penelopee Ann Miller like the partner gets better and she wants to go to a nice big fancy dinner yeah and this is my like social anxiety

skyrocketed watching this scene because they bump into the teacher Penelopeon Miller and the son at this restaurant and Penelopean Miller's like oh would you like to join us and I was like ha ha ha ha ha ha you know what? No way an unplanned

dinner date? No fucking thank you. Yes. Not only will he join you, I'm going to do a fake accent out of nowhere and try to maintain it the entire time. Because initially they're supposed to be a married couple is the whole thing. And then she just decides to go off on this whole tension.

She's like, yeah, I am his sister from Austria. Sure, this works. Excuse me, is that a joke? This is a joke, right? You're not really a... No. That's clearly a fake accent, right? What's that? Yeah, and they're like getting to talk and they're hanging out. This kid falls asleep

at the dinner table, not okay. Well, because he was on his fourth Manhattan. Oh, my God, the bourbon here is shit. I told you we shouldn't come here any more. This isn't Maker's Mark. Wait a minute. Fuck Danny DeVito playing the Arnold character. Danny DeVito playing this kid Dominate.

Yes, absolutely. Because, yeah, I'm hanging out with Arnold. Like, when you guys saw Junior, you wanted Danny DeVito to come out of Arnold. Oh, yes. That's how it should have worked. I'm giving birth to a Danny DeVito. I just, for whatever reason, pictured that scene in Ace Ventura 2 where he comes in the fake rhinoceros's ass.

I think about that at least like twice a month. So someone just yelled out M-Preg. Were you at the show last night? We talked about M-Preg at the show last night. And I still don't really understand what it is. I have no idea what you're talking about. These are cartoons of men with babies in their bellies. Yes, exactly.

Cool. It's a fetish, dude. This has turned into the M-Preg tour. It is both the final and M-Preg tour. It's this guy's fault. Yeah, it is. Yes, it's always the audience's fault. Yes.

But he's stoked. because as a noted M-Preg artist, he's excited for all the exposure he's getting. Shout out your Tumblr for it. It's a deviant art page. So, like, whatever, they're going along. By the way, this poor woman that did not want to fucking testify, did testify, got zero police protection,

and gets a hot shot and gets murdered pretty much. Oh, right, because what we haven't mentioned yet is crisp. while in the clink has this, like, evil mom who I guess is the actual crime boss? Because I think there's this thing, right, in movies, it's like, oh, if a son loves his mother, that's fucked up. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Which I agree. It is fucked up.

Well, no, hang on, though. There's a difference between loving your mother and then, like, when your mother is at the hair salon and you come and meet her, and it's like, oh, mother, it's done, the deed is done. He is kissing this woman on the face. Sounds like the deed's about to be done. That's right. But that's the relationship here.

It's like some Norman Bates shit. Yeah, you're kind of dating your mom a little bit. Crisp, you motherfucker. Quite literally. Can we get them for that or what? That has to be illegal somewhere. Yeah, but this woman just gets fucking murdered. And there's never the scene where it's like,

oh my god i can't believe i caused that woman to die now i'm going to get you crisp it's like he never even learns that information he does it's way later in the movie it's after that weird abraham lincoln festival yeah sure and the partner the partner's just like oh yeah that that lady that we made uh point him out in a lineup yeah she's been murdered and he's like damn well anyway and this is like this is supposed to be like a fun movie about kindergarten garden, I guess. And it's like, then you cut to, like, the shot of this woman's corpse, and you paint her white and blue, like she's been, like, in a Laura Palmer sack for a week. Bown, bum.

Also, the makeup job here is weird, though, because they, like, pull back the, the, the, the sheet there, you know, in this children's film. And, yeah, I mean, she's got these, like, blue and purple lines all over the place? Ah, yeah, Diane. Terrific coffee here on Twin Peaks. Yeah, the pie is good, too. Oh, no, my ferret isn't working. Here's my log.

Oh, my God. I cannot understand what is happening. Linda Hunt is dancing backwards. Yeah, David Lynch, it's me, Jesse, again. Still think if that log was talking, buddy, we got a real hit on our hands. You know, I know someone on the internet. inside at ABC telling me they'd love if that log was talking.

Try this on for size. I've got wood. You need me to speak backwards, pal? I can do that. You know, CGI artists can superimpose my face right on the log. Ew. I just thought about that. Ew. It's like a log with a skullet. Dude, even a log would have. have better sense to get a fucking haircut.

That's a good point. He kind of goes on a date at Penelopeon Miller's house, right? This is kind of like when they're kind of getting along. Penelopeon Miller wants to fuck this dude. Everybody wants to fuck this dude. It's kind of weird. I've never seen a movie where Arnold is like a sex symbol.

Not in this way. Like these mothers are like, oh my God, I'm going to get fucking divorced. Well, that's the thing that plays out through a lot of this movie. They even make a joke that, like, Astoria is the divorce capital of the nation. Question mark. And yeah, like, on his first day, like, he gets out of a car

and there's all these moms dropping the kids off. One is, like, Susan from Seinfeld. And, like, a couple other ladies. And they're, like, fighting, like, get out of here, bitch, you're married. But I'm the one that's divorced. But it's a different kind of sex symbol because it's not like they're highlighting his muscles or, like, they're glistening.

He never takes his shirt off, as far as I remember. It's like him tucking a polo shirt into dungarees. Are you so? Yeah, that's weird. He's fucking dressed like Jerry Seinfeld in this movie. Have you ever noticed the airplane food? No, it's a show about nothing. Stop it, it's about nothing.

That's the joke. What's the deal with Chris? So Chris Cabin, you're suggesting that this man should go teach kindergarten shirtless. Yeah, yes. I'm just trying to follow your logic. All right, kids, this is why you pay attention in gym class. Okay, we do human anatomy now. But Padilla Piedelopean Miller, like, asked him out at a date.

He's taken a nap in, after, when all the kids are napping. He has a nightmare about Chris, which is kind of hilarious. He, like, moves in, like, a video game character. It's like, whoop. It's about as fluid as the dog from duck hunt. also like you're doing nap time dude and Arnold like you're as the teacher here you're the fake teacher

you also just fall asleep at this desk you're not supposed to what isn't that milk he wakes up like and he's got this giant milk of mustache this is the most disgusting part of the film because Penelope Ann Miller's who wakes him up and they have some because this is where I think she invites

him to dinner yeah yeah something like that right And then she's like, oh, like, he got a little something right here. We got a little something right there. And he's like, oh, it's probably from the milk. Now, when was he drinking this milk? He was napping with his face down on the desk. It's just got to be like crusty old milk mustache. Not the sexy milk mustache.

Oh, yeah, the whole milk it congealed. And it's got a smell. It's just like sour, gross milk smell. and she's getting off on it. Oh, yeah, just let me scratch it off your lip. Oh, no. Yeah, those are the milk flakes. I just want to get away from the Krusty Milkman.

Are you sure? I'm desperate to get away from it. The Krusty Milk Man. I could play the Krusty Milk Man at a horror movie, dude. Yep, I got that milk you wanted, delivered. It's rancid. Yeah, I left it in my car. Yeah, he started a punk band.

back in Asian who was called Krusty milk. So he goes to a place and him and Dominic kind of get to talking. This is when he kind of talks to him about the lasers, which is a real problem. This is fucked up.

They get to talking. It's very fucked up. They get to talking after Dominic interrupts him rifling through his mother's panty drawer. Well he's looking. Like now Arnold, the good ones are in the back. Keep doing.

Well, it'll be great if he's like, what are you doing? And he's like, he kills the kid. He's like, oh, no, I've been caught. There's no way out of this one. Get me to the chopper. We'll get it out of you. Burns the house down. I am a family annihilator now.

I was just picturing that scene in the tree of life where they're going off about like the first time the kid found like panties in his mom's room. Much more artistically done in that. movie than here, but it's basically the same scene. You don't say. It's basically the same exact scene. Hey there, Terrence Malick, you know those dinosaurs could use a voice?

What if I voiced both of those dinosaurs in your film, The Tree of Life? Hey, buddy, I read that script. I'll tell you what. Cocaine's a hell of a drug. I am Jesse and I'm all for it. And the kid's like, yeah, we need

these lasers in case the bad people come. And I'd be like, oh man, this kid needs Therapy. Ah, yeah, this is another one for the mind hunters. Yeah, Dominic's hideout looks like where, like, hobos gather in the woods to smoke cigarettes and booze.

Where do you think he's getting them? Hey, Dom, you want to come in and hang out this box car with us? Hey, don't hog that swill, Dominic. Oh, shit, boxcar Dominic, dude. Yeah, yeah, we got lasers. Lots of lasers. Yeah, that's weird.

He's got this hideout in the woods. It's creepy. And he's talking about it to Arnold and I was like, that's interesting. You might be the son of a drug dealer. And he's like, and over there, man, that's where I'm going to be putting my big laser on that water tower. And as a school administrator, you have to be like, now Dominic, that's not safe. But he doesn't fucking say it. He's just like, wow, interesting point, Dominic.

That is probably a good vantage point for lasers to be placed at. He's like, I'm going to save that for later. But yeah, that's a good point for a laser, dude. You know, Dominic, you're all right. You know what? What's a good place to put the laser on top of a moving car? Because that'd be dangerous, is what I was going to get. I see.

And then this movie gets to, like, the sad sack hour right here. Because they have this dinner and the kid goes to sleep. And she makes some coffee. And she's like, now let me tell you all about my hands. heinous divorce. And he's asking way too many questions. Yeah, and every time, like, he asks too much, he's like, oh, I mean, sorry to

upset you, but please tell me more. And again, as the wife of a drug dealer on the lamb, you've got to be like, wait, this guy, we're not like trying to fool around. He just keeps asking me pointed questions about like my fucking ex-husband. And these questions would have been better with Jack

Nicholson in the role, like, like, what do you mean? He doesn't take care of you. Yeah, I didn't mean to obsetions. No alimony or nothing. But meanwhile, Arnold is like the world's greatest deadbeat dad. And he's like, in his undercover role, he's pretending he's not. He's like, oh, yeah, I talk to my son all of the time. I even remember his name.

Jerry or Barry? I want to say Mason. Craig? Yeah, that guy knows That one's for you, Mason. That one's for you, Mason. Not every joke is for everybody, but the goal is eventually tonight,

each one of you will laugh at least once. We got that guy, he's done. Yeah, and it's totally fine to hate most of them. Yeah, oh, yeah. Also, her cover story is fucking garbage. Yeah, it is. She's like, yeah, he moved to France. Yeah, that sounds good.

That's far, right? Yeah, France. What is he, a cone head? Like, come on. Oh, my God, France. No one ever comes back from France. No one has ever heard of thumb again. You say that he's a cone head.

Yeah. Oh, that could be. Arnold should have been in cone heads. Well, that was a joke in the cone heads. They were like, we're from France. Oh, that's right. He come from France. I mean, Beldar.

Yeah, I could be French. It works. You got another one. We're just ticking them off. That one's for you, Beldar. Now you must Not full of the Garthor! Is it like David Spade and like a speedo at the end of that movie?

He's being sexually humiliated? All I remember about David Spade and that he's one of the FBI guys under Michael McKean. It's him and Michael McKean. Yeah, and like they go to the planet and they're like in little... Oh, they become like... Like Barbarella outfits or something.

Not too shabby. Eventually... So I'm saying Michael McKeon dressed up like Jane Fonda, man. Stop bringing me on. And so Chris gets out of jail. Yes.

And he's like, well, now I got to go fucking kidnap my own kid. This is because Stacey's dead now and then he gets up to Astoria and then he instantly accosts a man? It's a bad situation. I'm going to drive my creepy mother up

to Oregon and we're going to kid kid. And before I do that, I'm not going to be a normal fucking person and buy a toy. I'm going to beat the shit out of some fucking blue-collar dude to steal a toy and get the cops right on my tail. This doesn't make any sense because he knows jack shit about this kid. Yeah. He doesn't know if he even likes this little race car set or whatever it is. And this guy comes in, this motherfucker, Daryl, you know, and he's like, oh, you know, he gets the race car set like ahead of him, right? Just buy literally. anything. There's a dinosaur. There's

a football. There's anything. You're to beat someone in the parking lot. I'm going to be very honest with the race cars kind of suck. Yes. I'd be really disappointed if I got this. Those things were always terrible. They worked for like 10 minutes and then it was just garbage. You're a drug dealer. Can't you get me an actual racing

car? That's true. But it's also a floor model. You know that thing's buggy shit. That's the other thing. Yeah, never buy the floor model at a toy store. Or a furniture store because people are fucking on those things. Everything is sticky. Toy stores are sticky.

Furniture stores are sticky. Every time. If you're a deadbeat dad trying to reconnect with your son, the thing you're looking for rhymes with super fucking Nintendo. Go bigger, go home, man. Are you sure? Are you sure it's not rectal thermometers? Well, that's the other weird thing.

Right. The mother is now buying all these medical supplies, which includes vaseline and anal thermometers. very important by the way it's the ass thermometer it's another movie because he like shoves her up against the wall he's like you're not gonna do to him

what you did to me I'm like I don't even know your name man what is the motivation with anyone that's on the screen right now why do you give a shit about this kid you're a drug kingpin why are you a fucking maniacal old lady tell me some more about that how about a flashback scene

why don't you excise one of these useless montages and have a hilariously weird flashback scene or the little kid's got a ponytail too like he always had it or no no no dude he's begging to get a haircut and she's like you're gonna keep that tail that's what said him on the life of crime that makes sense

yeah and he kept the ponytail eventually he grew into it we should talk about anytime Arnold is out in the sun whatever the reddest hair he's got this movie what is the point of this it's not like his character is supposed to be from Ireland. Just let it be the Arnold Hare. Why are you dying it? I'm your teacher, Roryo Flanagan. Top of them wanting to you.

Ha-t-t-a-t-ta-ta-ta-ta. Oh, that's just cruel. We should talk about the child abuse subplot, which is useless. Wow, talk about, now we got a third movie on our hands. We got fucking this boy's life over here. There's this one sad kid, and again, it's a little too real for my taste. Like, I don't need this in this movie. Like,

this kid's really sad, he's getting picked on. Yeah, I don't need to be crying in kindergarten, cop, get out of here. Not only do we obviously address it, but we show child bruises multiple times in this movie. Not this movie. And he, like, beats the fuck out of the dad, and he's like, I am pressing charges.

But you never see him do that? By the way, better Arnold line, yeah, I'm bench pressing charges. Oh, nice. And then he punches that guy in the stomach. Because of all the allegations against me. Perfect time for him to take a shirt off

There we go Wait, let me remove my work shirt Before I beat you up I mean, Chris, you do have a good point Like, show him working out I don't know how he got these pecks It's true He's probably got coconut oil

In the back seat of his car Ready to go! He's a musselie sue, dude, I don't know He is a musselessu We can't Show me that fucking gym membership asshole All I'm saying is I'm glad we're talking about

us now while I'm sitting down because I'm not standing up. Erection joke. Oh. I see. Thank God you said it because I was about to clarify. I did. All right. Yeah, so he beats this guy up. This is like sort of the end of the movie. They show up.

Chris and his mom show up, right? Yeah. At the school. At the school. Well, Crisp comes in and it's one of these, like, he just walks in like, yeah, show me the school. I got a kid who might go here or something. Linda Hunt, worst principal. in film history.

Right this way, bonytailed drug dealer. And I was like, this guy looks like a drug dealer. There's no way around it. You look at him, you're like, kingpin, drug kingpin. Before even that, she takes Arnold Schwarzenegger

behind. It's like, Arnold Schwarzenegger, yeah, you beat up a parent in front of everybody. Yeah, you started some kind of weird military third wave thing in your kindergarten class. All your kids are wearing red

fucking berets now. Guilty as charged. We are going to take over the second grades. But actually, you are the best teacher that's ever lived. Thank you so much. And now your entire school is a kindergarten. And it will truly be a world of kindergartens. Or planet.

Oh, my God. It's a planet. It's a planet. The planet of the apes. It's not the world of the apes. No, that's my house. And he gives Linda Hunt the slip and by this point like Penelope Ann Miller

knows that her husband's coming back there's this scene where Dominic does go up the fucking water tower because our short scenario said it was a good idea and almost dies. It's this whole like freak out thing where she thinks he's been kidnapped. Yeah, it's a different, it's yet another movie.

Yeah, big sense. She's like doing some Carlito's way acting in this scene. Yeah, don't worry, Mom. I was just putting my lasers up there. The piano's been drinking, Mom. By the way, now we see what the actual lasers are, and it's just tinfoil rolled up. Stupid kid.

Didn't even have real lasers for the water tower. Yep, you could get my lasers here on infowards.org. It's tinfoil you can put wherever you like. For $50, you can get your own laser. Infor war dot laser. Catch them in bed with a ferret. Are you... Yeah, you know what?

That's one sex scene I'm not doing, buddy. I'm not going to fuck that obese caveman for nothing. Are you afraid Hillary Clinton's going to come into your house whenever she wants? Get these lasers. That'll keep Hillary out. You know who hates lasers, Democrat? We don't use the plural. I have not seen my children in years.

Oh, man, kindergarten cop, but he has to find Alex Jones's kid? Wait, so Alex Jones is the kindergarten cop in that situation? No, no, no, no. You're tracking down who Alex Jones's kid is in a kindergarten. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Who is your daddy and what YouTube channel does he? have. Who is your daddy in which school shooting did he deny?

That's, that, well, that's, that's, that's, that's, I don't know, well, that's right, mother, we tracked them down. That dude's a piece of fucking shit. Infowars. So, a crisp is like getting a

tour of the school and he's like, oh, excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and to find his own kid, he's going to set a school on fire. That is some cold shit, dude. And the only, the only motivation at this point from this heartless drug dealer to want this kid that bad is he's got the fucking map to Waterworld on his back. Like, this kid, like, must have seen him do something. Like, the movie never explains why this dude cares. I mean, it's his kid, sort of, so he kind of.

gives a shit, right? I don't think so, man. It's crisp. He sucks. He fucking sucks. Yeah. And meanwhile, while he's burning the school down, Pamela Reed, who plays the partner, comes in and starts teaching the kids about Stranger Danger, which I guess it's the first time they're hearing of it a little bit. They're like, wait, we're not supposed to what? We can't talk to who? Oh, my God.

I've been writing with this guy for weeks. Thanks for telling me in fucking weak tennis school. school, man. Linda Hunt's like, now normally we save that lecture for pre-first grade. But how am I going to bum my cigarettes? I got to talk to strangers.

A stranger's just a friend who hasn't bummed you a stoke yet. Come on, man. I'll give you a dollar. And the school's on fire. Everyone's freaking the fuck. out, right? They're evacuating everything. Crisp.

Dominic has the ferret. And again, this ferret is really well behaved. This kid fucking shoves it down his shirt, and it's fine until the last act of the last minute of the moon. Crisp is just like, oh, I guess my kid got a little heavy. He's got a whole fucking animal. He's got a whole

fucking animal in his shirt. How much weight is a ferret adding onto that cargo? Dude. It's a ribcage is moving around here, but review the film. Review the film. Review. You in the film, that is a junkie cardigan all of a sudden. But that's what you need, that you need, like, the Henson company to get in there, and it's like, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p,

have it, like, the kid's got, like, a pile of socks in his t-shirt. He's like, oh, wow, your stomach is chirping. Oh, is that the noise that ferrets make? Well, I got a little... Too cheap, you must be hungry. Yeah, man, I'm fucking starving. You got to be a salis-barry steak or, what?

I was a good at the diner. We just did jokes at the same time. Oh, sorry. We crossed streams, Ivan Reitman. Oh. See you on the other side, Steve. Arnold Schwarzenegger

should have been in Ghostbusters. There I said it. Yeah, I am Gozer the Gozerian. And I'm his little haunted dog. No, man, I was, I was discreet. close to be in Vigo the Carpathian. It didn't work out. Time is but a door. Death is a window. I'll be back.

I shed on a throne of blood. Yeah, I'm the sorrow of Moldavia. Whatever. It's a river of slime. Yeah. Yes, I am a, uh, a, uh, uh, he got me. Ray, come in, Ray. I've been slimed. But then I shot it in the head.

With a gun. That's a big twinkie. And other sort of Ghostbusters lines. Oh, wait, we should have started. Have you guys seen Ghostbusters? Okay, all right. From the director of Father's Day, some movie called Ghostbusters.

Speaking of Ivan Reitman, you get his weird, like, fucking kid cameo in this movie? Arnold is, like, evacuating the school looking for Chris, but he's got a gun out, and he goes into some closet, and two teens are making, I know, two teens are making out, and the boy is Jason Reitman. No, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, kiss for your father?

Yeah. Give me your kissing mouth. Give me your kissing mouth. No, honey, you can start before the camera rolls. It's fine. Keep going. I mean, that is, that is something you say in therapy is like, yeah, my first kiss was on camera for my dad.

Oh, yeah, and it was a joke. And then he made kindergarten cop And I had to do it again That's actually a great fucking point Because there's rehearsals Yeah, there's rehearsals There are rehearsals At least that's what I haven't called them

Unfounded claims Alleged It's satire folks Anytime we see something inappropriate It's satire And if somehow it ends up being true We're just You know

We broke the news sure oh speaking of the henson company though dude let's get back to that ferret oh yeah it's the best part because it turns into a poppet and bites Crisp in the throat well they wind up in a shower and like well this is after like

my favorite line of the entire movie is when Chris grabs his son and he's like talking to him was like we're the same are you a fireman's like I'm not I'm not no jerk fireman what is this dude's problem with firefighters. New York's bravest

fuck you, dude, that's a jerk. Not some loser blood donor. Exactly. Look, I keep trying to burn down all my opium dens for the insurance money, and the stupid fire department comes and puts out the blaze. Not some asshole

EMT, man. I'm a drug dealer. Not some fucking piece of shit child cardiologist. But yeah, so then, like, they're on the run. They wind up in, like, the gym showers. And this is when Crisp, to get at Kimball, puts a gun to his own kid's head.

Yeah, this will show him. Well, by the way, Chris also tries to convince Dominic, no, I'm really your dad. Because, look, look, we got the same hands. I've got little hands, too. What a weird thing to say to somebody. You're my progeny. Because of the hands.

It would be great if he turned him around and was like, what did your mother do to your ponytail? Oh my God. No! And he just kills the kid. You are not my son! So then the ferret bites him. Somewhere around here, I believe.

Well, he's telling Kimball to get his own goddamn family, which is a good line. And yeah, the ferret bites him. And actually, if Arnold doesn't blow him away right here, he would turn into a ferret in the next full moon. Yes, that's true. A fair wolf. Or wait a know, a Warritt?

A Warritt. A Warrit, I think it's a Warritt, yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, hang on. Do you say Tom Scarritt? Is Tom Scarritt here? Tom Scarrott could be part ferret. Wait a second.

Everyone in favor of Fairwolf. What was the other one, wear it? It's clear. It's going on the T-shirt. We workshopped that one. That worked out. We'll get Tom Scarrard in there, too. Thank you for being a focus group.

Meanwhile, in another movie, the mom runs over the partner. And it's a great fucking hit, man. This lady goes flying. Listen, I was laughing on the plane this afternoon. Well, also, because it's a poorly done. like the car's not going that fast and the stunt doubles like bracing for it when the car's like nine feet away it's awesome we were uh by the way we were on the plane it was a like a you know a two and two and two three four and the woman sitting next to andrew was just like why are you all

watching kindergarten cop i swear to god it was the best and like we were like wait what you're watching kindergarten cop too what are you doing the fuck are you guys i don't even know these guys. This is weird. That's what we should have done and fuck that lady's day up. I don't know. They were all fat guys. They seemed like they should know each other. And they all were watching kindergarten cop. I was creeped out. I mean, in my, you know, her defense, it must be very unsettling to look down an aisle and see four screens of kindergarten cop at different points.

It's fucking bizarre. I'm the only one that had to watch it next to her, and it was weird because she was looking at my iPad the whole time and I'd be like Oh so you're like This is my kindergarten cop Don't mind me Just watching a great movie over here Looky Lou

You jealous looky Lou So that was creepy Yeah we freaked her right out And so then now the grandma turns out to be the grand villain of the mall She like shoots Arnold a couple of times Which is pretty cool Chris gets one off in Arnold's leg.

Yeah, the leg, and then she gets the shoulder. That's right. Crisp also gets like five in the gut from Arnold, which is great. And so Dominic is just now, A, found out his dad wasn't in France at all, and now B has a ponytail, and C is dead. He watches his father get shot in a urinal like Edward Furlong in American History Act. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does.

Also, I think the most terrifying experience of that whole day for the kid is learning that his biological father has a ponytail. Yeah. That shit's hereditary, man. Oh, I hope it skips... I hope it skips a generation. I hope ponytails skip a generation. No, it's your mother's father that needs the ponytail, I think.

Yeah, that's what I've been told. Yeah. Um, so like, uh, as she's about to kill Arnold, uh, she's like, where's my grandson? Not like, fuck you for killing my actual kid? Nope. Yeah. Well, she's just going to start the whole weird ponytail cycle over again. She'll raise a new drug dealer.

God. She actually, when she sees Crisp, like, dead and is like heads against the urinal or whatever, she's just like, finally. Like, she just kind of has this look like, it's over. Oh no, and now he's a ghost. get the containment unit. She just puts down the gun, takes out the thermometer. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. I have to be sure. It's reading... Yeah, he's dead. It's reading 0.0. That shit's ice cold when you die. Immediately. Yep, you lose 32 grams or whatever it was. And your whole rectum gets cold. All right, all right.

Look, final offer, Ivan, final offer. I will do the voice of the thermometer. Open wide. We did it again. We told jokes at the same time. I should look over there. Flag on the play. Mine was, boy, it's darken here.

Mine was open wide. Hey, you know what, man? classic jokes. Open wide to an asshole. Yeah, yeah. Talented fucking guy. Geez. Sure is cold in here.

And Jesse Ventura as existential anal thermometer. It was the role of a lifetime. Yeah, I'm waiting for Godot. What of it. we're born we die we get cold assholes that was his fucking concession speech when he left the governorship

got it that's it that makes it yep all my cold assholes out there in Minnesota so the partner beats this whole lady to death with a baseball but not to death she should best part of the movie though best part of the fourth movie yes because this this whole thing goes on

way too long oh yeah yeah It's cat and mouse and cat again. It kind of goes back and forth. Dude, ferret and mouse. Yes. That ferret should get a medal at the end of this movie, like Star Wars. Deputize him. Like Star Wars, but Chewbock, I didn't get the medal, man.

You're right. Put it in charge of first grade. Oh, my God. Looking good ferret. Chit-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Wait, what was that? Chip-ch-chip. Just checking.

so this old lady's what do you need me to do it again yeah one more time perfect now you can all put it on your phones you're right to clap so this old broad's got CTE and she's out for the count the best part so Arnold goes to you know it's the end of the movie and like this little kid's like Mr. Kimball are you all right No, I've been shot, you idiot. No, what's awesome is Arnold is totally unconscious.

The kid needs to be like, he's dead! He's fucking dead! I checked with the thermometer and everything. Now both my dads are dead! But no, Arnold lives, and then just takes over this fucking family, right? Just moves right to fucking... Well, the weirdest part is, at the end of the... There's one scene in the hospital where the partner is like,

hey, you're going to come to my wedding, right, or whatever, goodbye movie. And he comes back to the school, and it's like a slow clap situation. But it's pretty clear Penelope Ann Miller did not visit him in the hospital. Absolutely not. Yeah. Didn't send a card. Didn't make a phone call. He's just like, oh, wait, he lived?

Pretty cool. All right. Why am I always attracted to murderers? We didn't mention that the partner's fiance is a weirdo. Yeah, he's like a chef. He's a chef, but like, there's a scene, again, in this family film

where, like, Arnold comes back to the motel after a hard day of pretending to be a teacher. They were just slamming each other, man. They're just, like, totally fucking in this movie. You can smell it on the screen. And, like, he opens the door, and it's like when you walk in on your roommate in college, like, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Well, we're all here. I'm pretty sure if you pause it right, you can see this dude's dick, because it's like pillow, sort of. On top of all of that, too, it's also a pastrami is the most sensual

of all the cured meat. They are food fuckers. They are totally food fuckers. There's a plate of pasta that looks awfully messy. Because the guy's like a professional cook or something, and she's like, yeah,

I'm going to marry this guy. He's like the best chef ever, and he's like, did you say I'm the best chef ever? Do you like when I cook for you? What do you like me to cook for you? Tell me. Is it pasta? Is it pasta?

You like a fucking chicken, don't you? Yeah. I'm going to crack my fresh ground pepper all over you. Chris Cabin, I now realize how right you are. We see this guy without his shirt on. Give me fucking Arnold without his shirt on. Something, something Alfredo saws. I'm not even going to bother.

That's Alfredo. It's Italian for cum. well good thing someone bothered someone's clapping yeah yeah I mean everyone cheers for him he walks in though and like Linda Hunt like

Linda Hunt like gives him his whistle back and he blows the whistle and all the kids are like and he goes I'm back oh right get it do you fucking get it he's returned that's right also good luck opening the door to a kindergarten

and all these turds don't immediately turn around it's a good point he's in that room for like 10 minutes does it the the vagina kids say anything the last line should be like a little like porky pig that's all folks and he's like remember girls have vaginas and boys have penises bye bye

that is my favorite part of the movie though Steve thank you for reminding me because that's like the kid's thing. Like, he's the kid who says that, right? And there's one scene where he says it again, and all the kids go, yay! And they shoot this kid, like, head on, he's like, ha ha ha.

I gave him what they want. I'm the king of this kindergarten. Boys have penis and girls have vaginas. Ah! It's fucking great. What a great movie. That is the end of it. That is the end of kindergarten.

That is the end of it. We close. We close on Arnold and Penelopee Ann Miller about to have fuck in this classroom. Have fuck, yeah. They're going to have fuck in this classroom. Yep. In a school zone.

In the school zone. Right in the middle of the kids. In the middle of the kids. that's the last shot It's directed by Ivan Reitman not Lars von Trier Now I'm going to consider this We didn't officially weigh in like either way

But I'm going to consider this a we love movie situation Okay It's a bit of a nostalgic situation Sure yeah So what we do instead of saying Would you recommend this movie like we usually do on the show Steve Sadek does this movie hold up Yes it holds up

It's really silly It's a little long on the tooth. It's about a buck 45. It could be easily a 90 situation. Cut out some of those montages, man. Cut out some of those montage. It holds up, but I do think it wasn't worth being embarrassed on a plane about now that I'm thinking about it. No, it wasn't.

Holds up, yes, being embarrassed in public, not so much. It's perfect. Don't change the thing. Well, I'm going to disagree on that a little bit. The third act is so fucking long. And we're dealing with all these, I don't need the fucking lasers, man. I don't need the lasers.

I don't need them going up a tower. And otherwise it's good. Yeah, I don't know. That whole Kathy Moriarty scene that can go. I'm sorry, Ms. Moriarty. I didn't see you sitting there. I loved you in Casper. I think in Internet parlance,

we've got a Kathy Moriarty Stan in the audience. Good job, Steve. There it is. Nice. Word a day calendar, my friend. He's learning. Yeah, I don't know, but otherwise I think it's totally fine. Although I would prefer, I mean, you could even still call a kindergarten cop.

I don't care. But it's just the first, like, 30 minutes where he's just on an L.A. rampage. I want Arnold as John. Constantine. I guess is what I'm saying. How about the L.A. Rampage and then it ends when he takes a kindergarten hostage. Oh, sequel setup, dude, you're not going to believe this. Yeah, he's

like a crooked cop and he's burned half the city. It's like, you want to take me alive, motherfucker? Sure. You better look out for the kindergarten cop. Yes. Directed by William Lustig. Yes. Four people appreciated that.

And you know what? That's fine by me. It's a good percentage. So we have to start wrapping up. Unfortunately, we want to thank y'all for coming out here tonight. Give yourself a round of applause. Big thanks to the Aladdin Theater for having it. These people have been great. Now, so if you've seen us live before,

if you listen to some of the live shows, you know. We like to end a little bit of correspondence. From what we think is the greatest place to get movie news and trivia tidbits. the internet movie database. Where you will find. Kaye-Ducinima be damned, dude, this is some of the finest fucking film writing.

The IMDB user review section. Some of the best thoughts, period. So we have two for you tonight. Oh, okay. Two, we got the exact, like, opposite ends of the spectrum, okay? You got your money's worth tonight, guys. He's going to read two IMDB reviews. This first one, 10 out of 10 stars.

Subject line. I loved this movie. By, I didn't look at this beforehand. By smells like cheese. Wait, did Arnold's lip write this? Written February 21st, 2005. Great time to reevaluate kindergarten. And this is one of my favorite things,

which is like, it's mostly. not about the movie at all. It's about this guy's weird life. Nice. Ah, after the horrible risk of buying House of the Dead, I swore never ever to buy a DVD or VHS without viewing it first

in a movie theater or renting it. What indeed? Already very confused. I also swore I would never have long John Silvers again, but here we are. I'm smells like cheese and I break promises to myself all the time

but I am an elementary education major what and one of my friends told me that this was a very funny teacher movie now this is please keep in mind

2000 and fucking five hey you got any funny teacher movies yeah I got two I got kindergarten cop or dead poet society. No, what's that Danny DeVito movie? Renaissance Man. I couldn't find

it at a blockbuster, so I took the risk of paying $7.99 at Best Buy. And it was worth every penny. Correct statement. Maybe even more. What are you saying there, Chris Cabin? I'm saying that's a correct opinion.

Oh, sure. So after maybe even more, it's like colon and then the D, which is like a real smile, like a real fucking huge smile. Oh, yeah. That's like what I just wrote, that shit's fucking great. I really enjoyed this movie. It had non-stop laughs and heartwarming moments. Arnold was so enjoyable to watch. Agree.

Him going crazy was just too funny. I'm going crazy I'm going fucking crazy crisp Of course the famous It's Not a Tuma line was just as funny as everyone says

I'm glad that saw some validation Yeah Everyone was talking about it When you watch that teacher movie When he says the tumor thing You're going to lose it Look look look When you watch this teacher movie man

That soundboard was right That's fucking funny I would highly recommend this movie I know I'm going to be watching it a few more times All right so then this one's great One out of ten stars Oh no

Booh Mindless exploitation of child Actors and actresses by Bernard Poulon. What? This dude's tugging it on IMDB, man. July the 20th, 2006.

That's a great year to reevaluate kindergarten cup. Really stick it to him. Hey. Hi. How are you? If you try and make a reservation under the name Bernard Poulon, they're hanging up on you. It's like, yeah, table for four for a Bernard Poulon, kick-click.

Yeah, no. Hey, if you want to see a weak storyline designed to make what's his name look like a real human being while scaring the heck out as small children, this is a great movie. Wow, what's his name? Eat shit, Schwarzenegger. Does he think this is a documentary? Maybe. if you like to see guns waved around at small kids and completely inappropriate themes being played out

at the expense of children then this is your movie yeah fuck those kids Errol Morris is kindergarten cop now remember remember remember the old what's his name line for this next part Arney

I hope you're ashamed of this movie yeah ashamed all the way to the bank why did I read every IMDB movie review why he's just up all night looking at it but not how I failed you but not pull on I'm so sorry no pull on you are right I hope you're

ashamed of this movie. You should be. I love that he's just directly addressing it. Oh yeah, absolutely. He's pissed. The nice side of the story made to make the audience like you what a sham.

This really highlights the hollowness of American filmmaking and audiences. Did Arnold fuck his mother too? And Bernard pull-on as Dominic. Thankfully, this is an old

movie and long forgotten since that time. Not if you were on Alaskan Airlines flight fucking 941. No, I thought this was forgotten to time. However, seeing a replay on television, it was deceptively

an interesting story at first. But when you can consider the themes running through it and the hype that would have been generated during its production and upon its release. What? We did not have production hype in 1989.

I just love that he was deceived at the start of it. He was getting into it and then Bernard was like, oh no. No. He was deceived by a blurb in Premier magazine. They got me again in Premier. it's a very disturbing movie it belongs on the junk heap

we are we hate movies from New York City Portland thanks for coming out to see us thank you you have been quite fantastic we will see you next time bye bye That was a hate gum podcast.