We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 455 - The Karate Kid (Live in Hollywood)

Episode Date: November 26, 2019

On this week's episode, the gang is chatting about 1984's The Karate Kid LIVE from the Improv in Hollywood, California! Recorded on the most recent leg of tour, this show saw the guys asking the important questions, like: what was Mrs. LaRusso smoking and where could they get some? Where did Mr. Miyagi get that Jay Leno-esque fleet of cars? And what's with that neighborhood kid's pig t-shirt? PLUS: Playing the role of Mr. Miyagi on this episode—Peter Falk everyone! The Karate Kid stars Ralph Macchio, Pat Morita, Elisabeth Shue, Martin Kove, Randee Heller, and Willilam Zabka; directed by John Avildsen. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage! We hate movies! Yeah. Nothing's gonna ever keep you down. Nothing's gonna ever keep you down. Yeah. Oh, yeah. How about those sexiest balls dance moves, everybody?

There is no mercy in this podcast. Los Angeles, what is happening? Oh, my goodness. There is a little fear in this dog. Oh, yeah, definitely. This podcast, a little bit. My name is Andrew Jupin. I'm Chris Gavin.

Eric Siska. Steven Zanak. And we are We Hey Movies from New York City. How are y'all doing this evening? Good, good. How many of you guys were hanging out for the last show? That's cool. Well, thanks for sticking around.

See, these two screwed up. They took off their wetware. He's getting warmed up. He's ready to go. Now you're fucked. We're calling it wetware, everybody. That's what we're going to call it. If you were in the last show, you have moved into the semifinals.

That's right. This is the Karate Kid from 1984 directed by the late John Aveltson. Let me ask you this. How many of you find folks out there saw this movie before we announced the tour? Okay.

Anybody seeing this for the first time before tonight's show in anticipation of? A couple folks. You don't have to be embarrassed, buddy. It's totally fucking fun. It's totally fun. Yeah. Has anyone not seen the movie? Holy moly! Okay, so there's a kid

he does karate. No, he's made out of karate. Oh, my lord. All of his arms and legs are made of karate. Titanium and alloy. Learning karate. Well, for those who haven't seen the movie, it's about an old Japanese guy

who grips this Italian kid from Jersey into doing a bunch of house chores for him. And then he accidentally wins a karate tournament. It's really the Do My Dishes Dojo Would you take a class of a place that was the Do My Dishes, Jojo? You know, no, I don't know, cleaning dishes, it's a bummer, right? I'll tell you, I'm not going to fucking the bully dojo, no thank you. No thanks, bully Jojo, I'm good.

I'm not giving you money to bully me. I couldn't ask... Not yet anyway, that happened in my 30s. You trained to be a bully, so it would make you stronger? true. I couldn't ask this at the last show because we were talking about a teenage werewolf but I know I didn't. Anyone up here taking karate lessons

as kids? Oh, what? Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. What's your belt canvas? It's a fucking extension cord tied in a poorly tied knot. No, no. It's the rare denim

belt. Yeah, this will just blend into your jeans nicely. That's when you go to the introductory class and never go back again. Oh, was it like a free coupon to try it out? What have? You got thrown to the mat and you didn't want to do it anymore? Yeah. So where are the video games exactly? Oh, okay, I'm going to leave. I'm good.

So you have no Doritos in this dojo. There's not a single Dorito break in this entire class. Okay, well I'll be leaving then. I do love this movie begins in Scenic, Newark, New Jersey. Listen, here's the thing. This movie is two hours and six minutes. long, you know where you can cut out, Newark, New Jersey. Well, the whole, like, trip where he's like, I don't want to go,

Mosh. He's like, yeah, let's go. And they're, like, going over the fucking Grand Canyon or whatever the fuck. Dude, it's this, like, 10-minute montage of their road trip. No. But, Steve, before we get too far along in this, could you take off your glasses? I want to see those baby browns. Ooh.

Wow. Who did that to you? But, yeah, like, if they just pull. hold up to the apartment complex from the jump, and you have the two of them in the car bickering like, oh, ah, bo, ba, bo, ba. I'd be like, all right, Jersey.

Yes. I get it. There's some editing in this movie, that's all. And also, I mean, he misses all the rats from the dumpster they used to talk to every day. They were nice to him. I don't understand what we were doing in the 80s, but, like, Daniel LaRousseau is such an unappealing person in general.

Yeah, right? He stinks, doesn't he? He's whiny, he's a nerd, he's a pushover, and he's kind of an asshole too. Yeah, where did he get this confidence? It is seriously misplaced. Yes. Here's a question I have about Mrs. Laruso on the road trip out specifically.

How high is she exactly? Because she is talking up this new life they're going to have, and she's like, oh, don't worry about it, Daniel. When we get out to California, it's a magical place. It's like Shangri-La. She's putting a lot of pressure on the good that's done with pools. She is hyping up this pool, dude. There's pools everywhere.

She's driving away from a bunch of bounce checks. Yeah, you're not wrong, man. But the place she's moving into has the word motel in it. It's not like, oh, it's the something gardens. It's like, the dumpster motel. Oh, the dumpster motel. It's like Shangri-La! She's high as a kite.

Yeah, a week's rent here is an egg carton. Could be used, could be not. I'm your landlord, a raccoon. So they get to this place, it's clearly a shithole. He meets this kid that you think is going to be his best bud, but is not. He abandoned his... immediately once he gets his ass kicked by Cobra Kai. But this kid is wearing a T-shirt.

Yeah, this is great. This pig fucking T-shirt, man. It's Macon Bacon, and it's two pigs having intercourse on a T-shirt. What T-shirt artist thought that that's how Bacon is made? That is a T-shirt that exists only on a boardwalk. I'm surprised it didn't disappear when he left the boardwalk with it. Well, you no longer have sand on your sneakers, so your T-shirt vanished. Some old night.

is like, it can't pass this seal. The Macon, Bacon, the boardwalk collapses. I didn't see this, Eric. Are they, like, underneath sheets or, like, against the wall? No, there's no sheets, cabin. They're not Jewish pigs.

No, it's just two pigs fucking. I thought there were Mennonites. I don't know. No, the one pig isn't fucking the other pig through the sheet. One of them, I zoomed in on this earlier. Oh, yeah. You, by the way, you're on a list now.

And hence, and hence. I had some time earlier today. Oh, that's way too far. Go back. The pig that's on top. See, this is what I wanted to know. He's got a little mustache. No, no, he's got a little word bubble.

And it says, oink. It's like a long-fated oink. It's an orgasm oint. That's a pornographic t-shirt. That's what I'm going to say it. That is a pornographic t-shirt. I'm going to wear this outside today. Every day, it seems like.

My, I met this super cool guy outside moving stuff in. He's got two pigs fucking on a t-shirt. Oh, that sounds pretty great, Daniel. It's wonderful here in California. That t-shirt sounds like it's Shangri-la. Well, he's like, oh, man, I'm so sorry because he's like, he's holding some stuff. And he goes, ki-ya, and he kicks the door open.

This kid falls over. Oh, geez, ah, jeez, sorry. Ah, ook, e-k-a-ook. And, like, they make, like, fast friends. He's like, oh, you know, you want to come. we're doing a party on the end of summer party on the beach tomorrow and he's like oh that's kind of cool right

so he goes yeah big party and it's everyone there Daniel Laruso is very embarrassed right here because everyone at the party is wearing a t-shirt with animals fucking and he just came wearing like a regular old t-shirt well he brought one for Laruso

has a cow and a farmer on and says making cheese the fuck do you think cheese is made man isn't that just cow come? Yeah, sure is. Sure is. First of it's fermented. Oh, okay. After the fact. That's a difference. Okay.

Yeah, that's the difference. And as someone that is perpetually afraid of bullies, the one thing you don't want to do is start talking to girls. Because you know what? That's one way to take it to bully town, my friend. It's true. Just keep your head down and try to survive. Exactly.

It's like, oh, you know what? Oh, geez, I'm from the work. I'm just going to, uh, oh. I'm going to wear a comic book t-shirts. Start a podcast. It's fine. You'll have to excuse my nervousness. I'm from Newark, New Jersey. All previous friends of mine, we're rats.

So he's like, he's Elizabeth's shoe, and it's like in 1984, he's like, holy shit. Not too shabby. And he goes up, and he starts flirting with this. She's interested. Well, because he's doing the thing that gets all the people hot. Soccer ball tricks with his niece.

Oh, definitely. Oh, wait, watch this. Boom, ba, boom, ba, boom, ba, bo, bo, bo, bo. And it's, you know, it's the end of the night. We're roasting hot dogs. His friends are like, you don't got the moves to get this girl, man. Beach weeners, man, no thanks. And here comes Johnny Lawrence.

It's my favorite introduction. I never noticed this line before. It's him on a motorcycle and his buddies, the cobra kite group, dirt bikes or whatever. And the one guy is like, hey, John, you want a brew dog or a beer? And he's like, no, man, it's my senior year. I'm going to take it seriously this year. He's like, I'm not doing it.

As of 8 a.m. tomorrow, I'm a totally different guy. And it doesn't happen. He's like, fucking with this girl immediately right after that. Have you ever tried to stop drinking? It's a good point. The next morning, he walks in school with a smoothie. Listen, Jeff, I've been getting fucked up in partying since the fourth grade, but my senior year is really important.

They don't want to lose that karate scholarship or whatever. Yeah, I'm going clean into. What's that college? And he goes, he sees Daniel Leruso talking to his lady, he's not happy about that. He grabs her radio, he breaks her radio. Her radio, though. It's not Leruso's radio. Well, that's the thing. You know, again, keep your head down.

It sucks whatever to your radio with that other guy. This is a real tragedy whenever that radio. That guy was a real, is he gone? Yeah, that guy was a real jerk. That guy was a real asshole. He's gone, right? He's gone, right? Fuck that guy.

Are his friends here? You asshole. If it wasn't for my bum leg I would have fucking beat the shit out of that dude But no he starts He's like getting into it And that's when he gets the shit kicked out of him A little bit of a beach scuffle

The first of like four or five times in this movie He hilariously gets the shit beat out of him Before the karate beat it Which is too much like get it kick his ass twice I get it Yeah I get it he sucks I totally get it This movie's a little long

It's longer than Star Wars by the way It definitely is longer than Star Wars Big problem for a movie about a kid who learns Garadi. I mean, it's about an old man teaching a kid something useless. It's kind of the same thing. Daniel Rousseau, it's true.

What should have happened is Daniel Rousseau should have snuck into the C-Vosso and blew it up, man. The straps of C-4 all over that fucking place. That's the thing. Keep upping the stakes with these guys, man, until you light that

fucking building up. But it's amazing because, like, you get the crap case out of you a little bit in front of your crush or whatever. And the move is to just, like, suffer through, like, yeah, that sucked. Oh, man, I could have been. But he's, like, on the floor huddled. He's like, go away. Go away. And they've all seen this before.

All of Elizabeth's shoes friends are just like, no, no, no, leave him. It's another beach guy. He's down for the count, lady. You notice who one of these Cobra Cies are, though? I want to get the guy's name right here. Oh, Tom Fridley. No.

He's the dude in Friday the 13th, Part 6, who's John Travolta's nephew. Oh! Whose biggest claim to fame is being in that movie going, Hey, Becky, are you taking a dump? While driving an RV? Wow, okay.

Claimed... More famous than the fact that he's John Travoltax. both his nephew. Okay. Okay. Another Cobra Kai kid is Steve McQueen's son, Chad McQueen. That's right. Yeah, I know, ladies, right? It's crazy. That dude famously doesn't participate in properties that his father was a part of.

Oh, really? True story, not a joke at all. Okay. Yeah. I guess they did like a bullet TV show and he told him to go screw. So it's like a nepotism thing because apparently Eastwood was, Clint Eastwood was trying to get his son into this? This is the funniest thing of all the time. Not Scott Eastwood, not the automobile. What? No. What's his name? Kip? Kipp or Kyle or something. Kyle?

Kyle. I think it's Kyle. I think it's Kyle. Kyle Eastwood was supposed to be in this. But then what happened? So he just, he bombed the audition and they were like, we want that little Italian kid. He's like, yeah, thanks. And.

Bo, gag, go, gau, go, bo, b. Because, I mean, like, nothing. No, you're not going to be Kyle Eastwood to play Daniel Leruso without a fucking face paint. So anyways. But he's like. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Eastwood was so incensed that his kid wasn't the lead. Columbia was owned by the Coca-Cola Corporation at the time

that he banned the use of Coca-Cola in all of his movies thereon out? That's petty, man. Well, Clyde. All right, when they get to the whorehouse and Unforgiven, no Coca-Cola products. This whorehouse, like a certain stadiums, is Pepsi only. When I'm making fun of all those

Asian people in Grand Torino, Pepsi only. Is anybody else have any questions that's Q&A? Anybody knows the lack of Coca-Cola? A million-dollar baby. Those letters from Iwo Jima are not going to be about Coca-Cola.

That's right about million-dollar baby, Kevin, because in the original script, I can't believe you brought this up. she was supposed to fall and break her neck on a can of Coca-Cola. And then he was like, get it out of there, put in a stool. Famous last-minute squitch.

Oh, right, I forgot that Barack Obama killed her. Hey, chair. I'm talking to a chair. So, he goes to school the next... He's got, like, a black guy and his mom, that's the whole... Let me see your baby Browns. Baby Browns.

He goes to school the next day. And again, like, he kind of, he picks it right back up with Elizabeth's shoe. And she's like, oh, that was really messed up. He's like, yeah, it's fine, no problem, geek, boo, Bob. And this is that another soccer-related thing. Now they're in gym class, also playing soccer. And one of the kids from Cobra Kai, like, sweeps him playing soccer. Right.

And he gets to a fight with him. And Daniel, like, gets a punch off. And the coach's like, get the hell out of here, you Italian kid. And the guy is like, he's like, you know what? man, this school sucks. This school totally sucks, man. This is like where you're asking your mother to change

schools or at least go to like the CVS and get some hair dye. Bleach that shit and try again. Because you've humiliated yourself twice in front of all of the people in school that matter. The friends he made at the beach party are making fun of him

already. They're like derisively calling him the karate kid. He lost all those guys, the pig fucker t-shirt yes that guy hates him first to turn on him this is what you just this is what I did when in high school you just keep your head down for this four years

you fucking lost already yes do not try again how many pig sex shirts did you have none that's why I wasn't cool I wouldn't have been bullied as much if I had some t-shirts with animals fucking on them it's true and I right now I grew up in a rural

area so it would have played big I know what that is hey that's my grand father on there. No, mom, I didn't want the t-shirt with the chickens fucking. I wanted the t-shirt with the pigs fucking. That's all they had at the store.

Buzz off, mom. Anybody's still like laying in game on Elizabeth's shoe. It's good for you, Daniel, but fucking take the hint, man. You know what I mean? Like, there's somebody in the AV club you could like start flirting with. No one's going to beat you up about that. Yeah, where's Crystal? She's pushing the TVVCR

card into a classroom right now. Exactly. Seek her out. Elizabeth's shoe is trouble, man. Johnny Lawrence is all over the place still. The Great William Zabka, by the way. Zabka's awesome in this movie, man. He really is. He's pretty good in that new Cobra Kai show.

You watching this Cobra Kai show, dude? I watched a season and two episodes of the second season. I'm trying to catch up. Let me ask you this, because it's like the elephant in the room, if you're going to do a karate kid show now. Right. How are they handling the Mr. Miyagi situation? Oh, he's dead.

Oh, sure. Daniel Laruso visits his grave, and hilariously enough, Mr. Miyagi died in 2011, six years after Pat Marita. Dude, don't make... He took better care. Don't make the fictional character live longer than the actor that played him. Don't count the ghost ears. Yeah, that's some ghoulish shit, YouTube read.

So, Mr. Miyagi was able to vote for Barack Obama, but Pat Marita was not. That's right. I'm just trying to get my timeline straight. So, by the way, speaking of, John Alvinson also directed a bunch of other movies. He directed New Year's Eve with Peter Falk. Anyone ever see that movie?

Oh, is that? No. It's like they're like bookies and doing something. I realized that I was thinking of a shitty horror film called New Year's Evil, which I've seen that one. But because the Pat Marita voice is really offensive, we're going to be doing Peter Falk instead. Just swapping it out. Playing the role of Mr. Miyagi will be Peter Falk.

Because at the beginning, they, you know, what do you call there? Laruso finds him because there's something wrong with the sink. And Pat Marita is like, you know, trying to get it, fuck it, hey, he's got to be wasted. He's trying to get a fucking... For Pat Marita or Mr. Miyagi? Mr. Miyagi, I'm sorry.

He's got to be wasted. He's trying to get like a fly with chopsticks. And he's like, hey, yeah, oh, I'll put. My faucet's going crazy. And he's like, yeah, I'll be up later. Yeah, I'll just be up later. Yeah, I'll just be up. What's that kid?

Yeah, she's got to speak into my good eye. Yeah, I'll be up there to fix your sink in a second, ma'am. Hey, kid, you got any smokes on you? I'll be right up after I went in the liquor store real quick. Me and Cassifetti's ran out of bourbon last night. So, you know, he, Leruso's going along. He's like just riding his bike on a bike. hill and

this is I listen Andrew Jupin in the hotel room this morning chuckling pretty hard at this kid eating shit off this bike falling down this hill it's awesome it's high stakes bullying at this point these bulls have escalated

we're running this kid off the road it's like if he was at a better school the administration would step in for sure not here so it fucks up his bike he comes home and again he's yelling at his bike he is throwing He is trying to throw this bike in a dumpster. Pretty funny.

Oh, you stupid bike. Oh, I. Stupid 10 speed. He's taking all that hate he has for all these friends that have turned their back on him immediately. And pointing it directly at an inanimate object. That's the move. Even pig fucker hates me. Fucking bike.

And his mom's like, oh, no, your bike. What happened to your bike? We bought that bike in Shangri-La. I threw it out because I wanted you, ma. And then like fucking Miyagi's like Ah, it's a perfectly good bike. Let me just grab that bike I'm fixing a point. Just dust it off

a little bit. This bike's still good. Come on it. This bike's just got a couple of scratches on it. It's totally fun. I could bet this on a pony down at the OTB. All's I got to do, fix the bike. I sell it. I make a little profit. A little something for Miyagi in the back pocket. You just need a few new change. I got a lot of change back here.

So for whatever reason, like he brings He gives him the bike, and it's like, oh, wow, thank you so much. Oh, thanks, Mr. Miyagi. He's such a nice guy. He called him Miyagi, which is kind of a joke in the movie, like eventually he has to learn that it's Miyagi. Joke.

It's kind of a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's actually Miyagi. I'm from Okinawa. Yeah, they changed it at Ellis Island when we got theirs. It was Miyagowitz. And then they changed it on me. The question, is this better? I don't know.

It might not be better, but it's not racist. So we're in the clear. That is always our strive here. Not better, but probably not racist. Oh, wait, one of the saddest things of all time. When Miyagi comes to fix the sink, it's like, yeah, he'll fix your sink. And he opens the door.

And Laruso is doing, like, karate exercises from a book that he's thumbing through. Ooh, that's sad. It's like one of those, like, Charles Atlas things you'd send away for, like, you know, the kid getting sand kicked in his face. Like, well, I'm tick of that. The sad part about this is he's like,

oh, man, I'm so sick getting picked on. I love fucking karate. Oh, wow, there's a karate studio up the street. And he goes there, and all his bullies are there. He's like, oh, fuck. That's the end of that. Exactly. And then he realizes there's a king bully.

Yes. Oh, yes. Well, there's always a king of the bullies, man. Right, the sensei. John Crease. Yeah, he's the sensee of the Cobra Chi Doja. So this is a dude who's about 40 years old. Teaching a troop of teenagers played by like 27-year-olds.

The karate is for killing. Yep. Great institution to bring your kids to. Is there any, I mean, I know it's just outside of a strip mall or whatever. There's no oversight whatsoever. Like, you're like, oh, um... We're like a karate commissioner? I would like a karate commissioner.

Yeah, I'm the karate commissioners. You, uh, teach you these kids to kill? These legs are too high. All of them. Well, it's like, oh, hey, Jeremy. How was your first karate lesson? I'm your mother. It's like, well, it was great, mom.

We taught us how to have no mercy and to kill our enemies. Well, I'm taking you right out of that. Well, that's done with. Or, I'm really happy. $40 a week is going to something as productive as that, depending on how shitty the parent is. True, and John Crease

is a veteran, so you got to support that, right? So, you know, we're kind of moving on, and Laruso is... It is, because Laruso keeps flirting with Elizabeth's shoe. He does this, like, I don't know what she sees in him. All she's seen him do is

bounce a soccer ball pretty cool. Get this shit kicked out of him, whine and cry. He was also brave enough to eat fucking loose hot dogs on a beach, by the way. I am throwing up just thinking about it. There was not nary a bun inside? I saw no bun, dude. Zero buns to be found.

You're getting the end of a stick in one of those bites. I'm sorry, it's just happening. He buys her lunch. He's like, oh, yeah, what's going on with you and Johnny over there? And she's like, well, she's like, well, he's my ex-boyfriend. And he starts talking to him. He starts talking to himself. He's like, oh, yeah, you're right, you're right.

That's crazy. She's like, what are you doing? He's like, well, you know, it's a voice of my head says, I got to be a yo-yo to keep talking to you. And I'm like, yeah, I'm cool, dude. You know, way to woo her, dude. You're a coward, you're a loser, and you're crazy. And it's not just this romantic bit, dude.

He's talking to himself all throughout this movie. Yes, for sure. He's like, oh, yeah, the dog told me to kill her. Like, it's insane. He's just mumbling through this movie. But I guess he's sex. sexy because he's from exotic New Jersey. Yeah, he talks funny.

Yeah, looks funny. He was in The Outsiders. That works for some people. He, so it's Halloween time. He's kind of hanging out with Miyagi. He's like, oh, thanks for the bike, Mr. Miyagi. He's so cool of you. He's like, you're not going to go to the, you're not going to go to a Halloween party or what? He's like, well, no, I can't because all the bullies are going to be there. If only I was the invisible man. Right.

And this is when he gets the worst Halloween contest. of all time. And what's worse about it being the worst Halloween costume of all time is it has inspired people to go out in real life and be this fucking shower with the curtain around it?

I've seen this at no less than like four Halloween parties in my life. And it's taken up space. Yes. You know what I mean? You're bumping into people? It's awful. Any Halloween costume where I can't sit down comfortably, I'm out. Yeah, is it going to take me 15 minutes

to go to the bathroom? Yes. I just like the concept of dressing up as like a shower like a... That's a scary monster. It's Halloween,

aren't you afraid? It's taking a bath. And also, if I'm the chaperor and he shows up to the party and Elizabeth's shoes like, oh wow, it's Daniel.

I inexplicably like him. And she goes up and she like goes into the shower is like, it's cool in here. If I'm a fucking chaperer, I'm like, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey! Hey, six inches for the Lord. Exactly. And get out of that shower. They probably wouldn't even let them in because that's just a sex curtain, folks. That's just a sex curtain. That's full air horn mode at that point.

Lay it up in the air. And then they get assaulted by the true, I think the true antagonist of the film, the maniac chicken man. Dude, that guy. It's a guy. He's dressed up as a chicken at this Halloween dance.

And Daniel Leruso is tickled pink. He loves this Halloween costume. Elizabeth's trying to be like, so maybe we could take the shower curtain and go someplace else. And he's like, yo, do you see that fucking chicken? That chick is throwing eggs. Oh, my God, look at that chicken. He's hilarious.

Look at that chicken. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you think he could sign my paper for me? Bo, ma, boy, go, going to get that chicken's autograph. Wow, wow, wow. Mom, can I get this framed? And the chicken must be the captain of the football team because he's chucking eggs and people are like,

yes, the chicken's doing it. He's loving. He's like, oh, the chickens use a real egg. He's got real legs. And then he gets hit with one. And like a kid on Doubled there, he's like, ah! The chicken egg to me!

I got egg for the chicken! This guy is so attractive. I really want to date him. And she says something to the effect of like, you know, I wish somebody would get even with that Johnny. And he's like, that's a good idea. Holy shit, I never thought of that. I never thought about getting evens.

So he goes in the. bathroom and he sees Johnny it's a great line the guy's like hey John are you done rolling that number and Johnny is like one more second he's in the stall they're all dressed in skeleton costumes it's a real and also like again if you're trying to get laid

a cool outfit is a skeleton costume yeah shower not so much well skeleton dude it's all bone boner there you go yeah we did the same thing Johnny Lawrence is the hero of this film kind of because like

In this, well, not always, but in this scene, in this scene, anyway, he's just trying to take a shit and smoke a joint. Right, that's it. And Daniel LaRousseau, as the shower, showers him. Yeah, well, there's just this, like, straight hose in the boys' room? The fuck is that? Hosing down boys with that. That's what that's worth.

It's when they store horses in there. And it's not like these are bullies that have not tried to kill you already. Because they have. They try to run off the road. They're like, if this kid dies, he dies. I don't care. They put their best foot forward trying to murder you. And he's like, well, I better get them pretty excited.

Like, you know, you're at a party. He fucking sprays him, and he wants them to know it's him. And he runs out like, hey, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. And they're like, we're going to fucking kill him tonight. And he winds up, like, running through the parking lot, and, like, the costume comes off. And I'm just picturing Miyagi, like, hey, I thought that shit. shower curtain was going to come back to my bedroom.

I got to take a shower tomorrow morning. I'm going to get water on over the floor. Where's my lufa? I can't bathe without my lufa. He winds up going to a ditch and all the the Cobra Chi kids, all dressed in skeleton outfits, catch up with them and are like,

we're going to beat the shit out of you for a really long time now. And this is where, like, you see Miyagi, like, sneaking into the scene like a cat burglar. and he's like, not so fast, kids. And Mr. Miyagi, God bless him, lays waste to these teenagers.

I'm just here to get back my shower curtain. If I don't get my shower curtain back, someone's taking a bath. And it's, yeah, he beats the fucking living shit out of these kids. He's doing, like, spine chops. To be fair, that was the 1980s and hitting other kids

was totally cool. It was just totally okay. If you're an adult and someone's upset with you, you can just smack them. Because then when you tell your parents, it was like, well, you must have did something. Exactly. Well, now that I've put out this cigarette on you,

I can't enjoy the wheelchair. Yeah, yeah. I learned how to beat up kids from Cassavetes. Cassavetes loved hitting kids. He disassembled a pack of ten of them back in 78. It was beautiful. Yeah, him and Jenna Rollins used to tag team him.

It was something else. You know, the clothesline? I watched Cassavetes and Gina do that. It was incredible. Yeah, Cassavetti's and Jenna Rowan's event the clothesline. So he brings Laruso back into his room. He's taking care of.

He's like, oh, geez, thanks so much, Mr. Miyagi. Geez, I don't know what's going on with these bullies. I keep antagonizing them, and they keep beating me up. I don't know what I say it, Laruso? What am I supposed to do here? Like, I fuck with them. And you know what? They fuck with me. And, like, it's amazing

because, like, Miyagi gives him the worst advice in the world. He's like, well, you've got to go there. You've got to go and you've got to talk to an adult. Never talk to an adult. Absolutely not. They will not help you. Because, like, Laruso lets it slip with their part of this cricket dojo. He's like, well, you just got to go to that dojo master and tell them what's going on.

And, like... I think Mr. Miyagi secretly wants this kid to get murdered. He's like, yeah, yeah, I'll send you down to the dojo. You just tell the leader of him to stop fucking with you. He's bothering me, Agi, every goddamn day. I know, because LaRuso is the villain of this film. He is. So he's like, oh, you've got to come with me, right?

He's like, ah, yeah, sure, it's a bite of track. I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. And we've got to stop off and get the paper first, though. Let me get this straight, uh, Sensei, uh, John Crease. Can I bet on this practice session? What are we talking about it? Can I smoke in here, too? Is it smoking dojo?

Watch the Vig on that crazy one, winning. Yeah, I know there's no fear, no mercy, none of that. Is this smoking? I don't see a bar in here. Is there a bar? But he's like, you know, Crease is obviously pissed off. He's like, you got a lot of nerve showing up here. This, that, and the other thing is like, you got to fight right now.

And like, fucking Miyagi sells him a bill of goods. He's like, no, no, no. You know what? Why do we fight at the tournament? And then no one fucks with this kid for three months. And Crease is like, I like, you're style old man. He's like, no fucking way. No, this is crease locks the door.

Exactly. And then 12 people gang up on a little Italian kid and an old man. That's how that should play out. I love how you beat up my students. And I'm going to, the only way to settle this is in a really, really rigid way. Like, you know what I mean? And we were talking about this backstage. Like, it's totally ridiculous because if Laruso even gets into this tournament,

what are the odds he's fighting these fucking guys? Exactly. Like he could go out in the first round. Well, then it's open season. Oh, that's a line that Chris says, which is very uncomfortable. Because he's like, well, what if they don't show up to the tournament? He's like, well, it's open season. Like, he's advocating killing these people.

Exactly. That is like, I'm burning your house down with your mother inside. That's what open season means. All right, if you win, I just kill the kid. If you lose, I'll kill your mother too. I run a karate Dojo I make $9 an hour

at a karate studio All right, kids So we're going to go back to my place You're going to do my dishes And then You're going to take a dive In that thing

Because I'm going to be betting on that And you're going to take a dive And you're going to take a dive In our lives All right kid You got to do it sooner or later I'm going to have a lot of money

riding on that Make peace with your maker buddy I don't know what to tell you Well this is yeah This is what he's like You know what I'm going to teach your karate Just come to my house tomorrow And I mean like

It's well trying ground, but it's so insane that he just scams this kid for days. This is, this movie is like 55 minutes of this kid doing chores. Right, he's sanding the floor and it gives him that instinct to sand the sky

or whatever the fuck. And it's like, you know, he's doing a little bit, it's like, you know, breathe in through your nose, breathe it, you know, center yourself, but also make sure that fucking floor gleams, right? The best one is he's, I think it's when he's sanding the deck outside and Mr. Miyaz. He's like, you got to do the whole thing.

Oh, I think it might be actually when he goes. He's like painting the fence. Yes. And Mr. Miyagi's like, well, I'll see you later. I'm going fishing. And I was like, I'd rather just go fishing with Mr. Miyagi. He even says, like, oh, man, quick, you're not taking me go fishing. Oh, wow, we go fishing and do it all the time.

Bo, ba, bo, bo, ba. Righting all the polluted canals. Whoa, wow, whoa. Yeah, yeah, we'll do that after you wash my car. And like, at the end of it, like, it's like four days of, like, wax that you get the wax on, wax off thing. He paints the fucking house. He paints my house, you little bitch. Like, come on.

That is, like, I mean, like, the cash value of this work? Yes. That's, like, two grand. Like, I'm sorry? Painting a whole fucking house? Also, are you suggesting to me that any carpenter knows karate? Jesus did, dude. Yeah, definitely.

That's a fair point. Jesus knew karate. Fair point. Very famously, Jesus knew karate. I thought he was more of a jujitsu, man. No, no, misnomer, dude. But like Miyagi, he decided to be like selfless and just let himself be killed. Well, no, that's what Jesus said on the cross is like,

I just want you all to know, I'm doing this, but I definitely could beat the shit out of all of you. No, this is just me. This is all part of my divine plan. Thank you, God, but I could beat the fucking shit. It's to avoid a fight. Kind of true. Yeah. After this happens, no one will fight in my name again.

That's it. So it's his little weiner's birthday. Well, he does do the thing where he's like he learns all the lessons. Sure. Again, all you need to do is actually teach him that lesson, be like, hey, this is going to take me five minutes to teach you this move, that move. That's why it's a scam. It is a scam.

It's a total scam. Oh, you know, why don't you, it's a crate, here's 20 bucks. Go down to this store. Pick up a pack of cigarettes. Yeah, it's all karate, half of karate's math, okay? So I want to see to change. I want to see to change. Karate's 80% math.

Better see that receipt, too. You know, I don't want you to nickel and dime me with real nickels and dimes. Oh, man. It's a total scam. It is. But it's kind of inspirational for older men out there, right? I want to grow up to be Mr. Miyagi, man.

You dup this kid so easily. You're going out fishing all the time, and that house is awesome. Mr. Miyagi's house kicks ass. Oh, yeah, it's gorgeous. What is with this Jay Leno-esque fleet of cars that he has? Yeah, well, that's like a Mr. Miyagi prequel, dude. That's like his other life.

Maybe it was like a gone-in-60-second situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I row for late night for many years here. Yeah, me and Jay Leno were very tight, very tight. You were? I was one of the... Oh, that's right. Collision course says Collision course is biggest fan.

I totally forgot about that movie, though. It was very helpful. It's true. Has anyone seen Collision Course with Jay Leno and Pat Marita? Poor people. It's terrible. Pat Marita is like, yeah, I'm a fucking cop. And then Jay Leno's like, yeah, I've got it one too.

Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo. Here's an era in a newsbook. paper. Daniel's son takes her out on a date, right? I thought you're going to say Daniel son takes her out to a ditch. Close.

I was like, what happened? No, Eric's not taking her out. They'll never find her. Grave digger. But no, they actually take her about the golf and stuff. Something like that. Yeah, it's called golf and stuff.

This is humiliating. This is another Daniel Lewis of Humiliation. Because it turns out, Elizabeth Shue is from the right side of the tracks, as it were, and Daniel Son is on the wrong side of the tracks. But they agree to have a date, much like the film Pretty and Pink.

And he goes to pick her up. Mrs. LaRousseau's behind the wheel and the shitbox car that they have. Oh, Lord. And they're like, oh, it's not your mother there? It's like, yeah, we just got to push right now. I'm like, fuck, dude. The date is over. Like, the engine won't turn over.

And she's like, oh, Elizabeth Shue, you'll love this. It's hilarious. My son and are going to get out and push on your first date that I'm going on with you. Elizabeth's father looks outside, looks at this piece of shit. It's like, send the guards and the dogs.

Uh, yes, kill them. So, I hope you're like roaches in your hair. Elizabeth Schu, have you ever been to Shangri-La? It has a pool in it. So they go to golf and stuff, right? And it's kind of a

I think it's literally called golf and stuff. There's this great weird, and the problem is, like, Laruso has zero chemistry, and, like, zero intelligence either. There's like, oh, cool, there's a fucking water slide. We should go on that. And she's like, well, we don't have bathing suits. And he's like, I guess we'll do it next time. I'll bring a bathing suit.

Like, yeah, you idiot. Why is this in the movie? Oh, wow, where I come from, we just swim in our jeans. Yeah, I know those kids. Otherwise, all the fish keep biting your legs. Come on, we just take a good denim dunk Oh wow, the denim dunk, dude But they...

That's when you drowned Jay Leno I don't know, it's finally happening I'm getting the denim dunk They somehow have a good time And like... Well, there's like ski ball and shit Like how do you have fun with ski ball? That's true.

It's sad this other guy who's not part of Cobra Kai shows up in some sick T-bird and he's like, hey, how's it going? You want to go for a ride? He's like, maybe next time. I think, yeah, we know what's going on. Doesn't he start acting like a dick here, though?

Laruso? He does. He's like, oh, don't you want to get in the car with that guy? He's fucking rich, right? I'm not. That guy was trying to be polite to him because she introduces him. He's like, oh, hey, Daniel, how are you doing?

And all that. And he's just got a blood vendetta against anyone that looks at her. Daniel Laruso, villain of the film. Definitely. But my favorite line, the Cobra Chi group, wouldn't you know it shows up and like some convertible.

They're like, hey, you want to come over or we're going to get drunk somewhere or something? And it's like, no, I'm on a date. And he's like, well, your little friend can come to you. Sick burn. And Mrs. Laruso shows up. Oh, my God. This is an amazing one.

This is fucking ice cold. One of these Cobra Chi kids, Oz, they're driving away and goes, I love your car, Mrs. Laruso. Which is bad, but what makes it worse is she doesn't know that he's fucking with him. Yes. And she's like, oh, thank you, man.

Oh, it's humiliating. Your whole fucking family's humiliated by teens. Now, Daniel, before we go home, can I show off my car around the neighborhood? If those kids like it, maybe the neighbors will like it too. It's awful. And, like, he's learning all the karate

sort of kind of slowly. Like, there's some fun stuff about the... We're on a boat. Balancing on the boat. He falls on the water and it's cold. That's funny. That's a lot of fun. It is his birthday at some point

And this is It's actually after the drinking scene We need to talk with the drunk Miyagi scene Oh my lord Yeah this is This film gets a little heavy for no reason This is a Casabetti's film now Now it turns into a Casabetti's film

Yeah But it's like This is what got Pat Marita nominated for an Oscar for this movie Didn't see that coming did you The Oscar nominated Karate Kid He is good in it He is excellent

And he's like He's like drinking by himself and he Luruso shows up he's really upset and like he Miyagi is wasted he's wearing a military uniform he's got a picture of his dead wife sitting there like Laruso's walking in on a suicide yes yes he's like oh what did interrupt me for Daniel son I'll be with you soon baby oh what the hell's that knock he's he's getting ready to kick the chair dude Yeah, he learns, like, that his wife died in an internment camp.

Fucking Mr. Miyagi fought for the U.S., and he stuck his wife at an internment camp while his kid died. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. What's fucked up? The power of the karate kid still lives on 35 years later.

And mind you, this is about a karate tournament. Thank you. Yeah, we are prepping for the All Valley. Uh-huh. Get this died and childbirth shit out of here. Yeah, it's like in the middle of the rescuer. The two mice started talking about the fucking miscarriage they had.

Hey man, the mice carriage. Hey, better movie. Eric jokes. Well, we're having a fun adventure with this dog. Most fun we've had since we've lost the baby. It just has no place in this film. No, it does not. But to your point, the suicide thing,

It gets even worse. On Daniel's birthday, he's like, oh, hey, Daniel, let me give you the only piece of art my wife ever made as part of your karate ghee. And also, why don't you just take one of my cars? And it's like, I don't know, dude. You give a shit away? Yeah, totally the fucking Miyaki Fire Sale, man.

Exactly. You want any of my jackets, Daniel, son? I've had all these VHS tapes I have. Why do you just take my house? It's like, you know what, dude, a fucking red flag city. That is why he was having him fix it up, dude. It's like, now it's your home. Oh, fuck.

In Cobra Kai, the TV show, he gets the house. I don't know how, but he gets it. Well, I got an idea. There is some poor. Like, Miyagi's dying, and he, like, coerces him to sign a will. He's, like, holding his hand, like, sign it. There you go. There is some ex-counts, judge, an ex-counts.

There is some very bitter Miyagi niece out there that got fucking swindled. Big time. He doesn't meet any distant relatives in part two when he goes to settle that blood feud in Okinawa? Not to my knowledge. They're all gone. Uh-huh. They're all gone.

I'm the last Miyagi. I'm the only one left. All my friends are dead. This movie is Little Kid Rocky. It really is. It's just, you got your slurry fucking Italian as your lead. You've got... Uh-huh.

Yeah. I should say I'm... 18% Italian, so I could say that? No. Nah. Dude, you got to ratchet up that percentage in public if you're telling these jokes? Oh, 90%.

There, yeah. It's 90%. It's 90. No, no, no. The best place to learn karate is in a butcher's warehouse. Just kick the beef. And then cook me a steak dinner, I know?

Yeah, it's all about learning karate still. Don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just make me dinner. You know the trick with karate is liver and onions Alright, let you whip that up for me Oh, the birthday party though

Oh right Right He Mr. Miyagi presents him with this beautiful cake He gives him this stuff It's like the last thing my wife Ever knit for me Yes

You know with like it's like this cool Like bonsai tree You know knit thing That's yours It's a ghee Yes So he has that And Daniel son is like

Hey man If you ever regret giving this to me I'll gladly give it back to you I'm really uncomfortable by having this by the way Miyagi's just like yeah okay I'm actually regretting it already so that's good to know you're cool with returning it

it's even worse when he gives him this it's a classic car that he's like you pick whichever car you want and he picks the yellow one which he knew he's going to pick anyway and the fucking key chain is Miyagi's dog tags dude you've got to call a social worker immediately

immediately and it's great because So the shot of him, like, noticing the dog tags, and he's like, what? Oh, boy. Oh, oh, it's beautiful. It's so nice. But so he bequeaths him all of these things. He has this cake and everything. And then he's like, oh, wow, bo, bah, oh, Mr. Biagi.

I totally forgot. I go to go hang out with my mother. Yeah. Stupid mother. But he definitely does not do that at all. Yes. I don't know if it's like an editing mess up or something, but like the next thing, you know, he's going to hang out with Elizabeth Shoe again.

They're at golf and stuff. We skip past my favorite scene in the movie, which is they're supposed to go on this date. It's like in the middle of the movie where they're really going well together. And Elizabeth Shue is like, oh, you know, I have to go to the country club. Why don't you pick me up?

And they're dancing. She's dancing with her father. Her piece of shit dad is like, well, you're not hanging out with that Italian boy, are you? She's like, well, yes, I am. And Johnny Lawrence is like, hey, let's call us a truce, blah, blah, blah. Laruso kind of sneaks into the back.

Johnny sees it. He kisses her forcibly. She punches him in the face. And then, like, her mother is like, oh my God, Johnny, are you okay? I'm like, what the fuck? They love Johnny. They do.

It's classic, like, shitty, rich movie parents, dude, that's exactly what it is. Daniel, like, is startled, turns around and falls into a gigantic, the biggest pot of sauce I've ever seen in my life. Like, you're looking to, Feed the army. It's like the shining.

It's just like, like, this kitchen door swings back open, and it's just like, moire. Just a river of marinera sauce. It's all in slow motion. Daniel's just covered in it. Little Danny Torrance is like,

the freak of the fuck out that Apollo 11 sweater. The pasta is everywhere Mrs. Torrance. Yeah, sure. I'll teach you karate. I'm Tony, another small Italian. And I... Yeah, paint my fence.

It needs more pork for the flavor. It's kind of amazing, though, because obviously the point is he's wearing this, like, the white outfit, so, like, the spaghetti really, like, really sticks to it. But he's dressed like a fucking waiter this entire movie. Why is he sneaking in in the first place? Yes, exactly. She just said, pick me up at this place.

Sit out there honking like everybody else. Maybe. How about this? How about I stalk her? Yeah. I'm the hero of a movie. Because then he's like, oh, yeah, you look fucking rich people. Babbat de boob.

And she's like, no, I punched that dude in the fucking face. I didn't know that information. I had fucking pasta sauce on my eyes. As usual. Blinded by marinarras. Italian baptism. Oh, fuck, man. Thank God 90% Steve is up here.

Yeah, I'm gonna... The rest of us are hopeless. Bring my family up later. You'll all understand. It's all okay. No. So, like, she, like, kind of, like, they reconciled because she was pissed about him

and she was pissed about her. They understand. And he, like, gives her a ride in his fucking sick friend's suicide mobile, I guess. I mean, it's a cool car, but one gripe I have with this is when they go out of the, they're in the parking lot and they're getting in the car, you're telling me a 16-year-old kid

backed this huge car into that parking space. I don't think so. We were all 16 once. You fucking get into that parking space however you can, and it is always front first. No way! Jay Leno couldn't even pull it off. So it's pretty much right around here

is the tournament, right? He's got the guie. He's the tournament. Learned three career. That's all you need. Mr. Miyagi taught him how to punch by hilariously dressing up in like a catcher's uniform. And it's just

yeah, go at it. The babe did worse to me. Yeah, just kick the shit out of me. Just don't hit the liver. It's a weak spot, I gotta tell you. The lungs ain't too good, neither's. Yeah, it's a really important karate move. Kick me in the balls and call me a piece of shit.

It's the number one, ten, and a karate, smashing my nuts. Do it. Now, uh... Yeah, it's a karate move. Just pour hot wax on. No, no, Daniel. Daniel, let me ask you. How much leather you got?

Oh, and how tall is your girlfriend maybe you can bring her by? Yeah, yeah, no, classic karate finisher. Spit in my face. Hey, Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, could you take your tutsies out for me? Yeah, a lot of karate villains are into feet stuff. Wiggle them, wiggle them for them for them. Could you dangle a little for an old band?

So we are shitting on the legacy of Pat Marita and Peter Fogg Within the same hour Yes We like them They're both great They are great We get to the All Valley tournament Which is the redest thing in red

I don't know what It's so red here Well like the day core Yes I thought you were talking about like the political opinions That is a red karate tournament Daniel Laruso is next Also, crush capitalism.

I'll go to that tournament. It's funny, in the Cobra Chi TV show, they spin it, dude. Someone in, because there's this crowded tournament still going on somehow. We're still doing the All-Ballie in 2019. Some dude on the commission is like, hey, dude, this year, blue mats.

Oh, really? Oh, really? Yeah, and it happens. Well, for the first time in 35 years, different mats. Exactly. End of story. Well, this series does sound enthralling. You got gym mats, everyone.

Look, the one guy you want to see the most is dead. They have new gym mats. It's worth to watch. Check it out. I do love that Miyagi is like running his scam on this whole thing because he shows up and they're like, what belt is he? He's like, oh, what's the highest one again? Yeah, it's a black belt.

That's what he is. But he like steals it from. the guy. Like, first of all, don't have loose black belts hanging around. Stolen valor, dude. Totally. Like, oh, yeah, I forgot my black belt. Oh, yeah, black belt? What regiment, dude?

Dude, he gets it out of this bowl. It's like if I can take a belt, leave a belt. You don't tie it that way if you're a black belt, man. You should think twice about walking around this ball. Now, Daniel, you go in, you go into your tournament. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Take this white belt and this bucket of black

paint. And we're going to take care of this your way. Wait, Daniel Laruso, why is your belt chipping? But also, that's another question. So if Daniel Laruso showed up with a white belt and he can't fight

Johnny Lawrence in the tournament, is it also open season? Yes. Yes, 100%. That's why the bet is stupid. Okay. Then they dig up the father and leave his corpse out wherever. Yeah, for the buzzards, right? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. What father? Mr. Laruso? Yeah, wherever he may be.

Oh, that dude, that dude fucking skip Newark, too sweet. Are you kidding? He's in Percipany already. Wow, he went far. Everyone's dream from Newark is to go to Parsipney. Kind of. New Jersey Jokes for a California audience. Can't help ourselves.

It is. So it's the tournament, and now guess who's the best around? We all are, because we get to hear this. awesome song. So good. This song fucking kicks ass. And the weird thing that was, it was a song that was written for Rocky 3. Oh, really? So there's a part in the song, if you listen to this song, like,

because everyone is just screaming, you're the best around, clearly, you know. But there's a lyric that's like, when the past comes to bite you again, or something like that, it's like, this is the first movie. Yeah, that sounds great. Write a different song. The only past biting anyone is Miyagi's fucking booze demons.

That's it then. I think that's it. It's about Miyagi. He's the best. Well, the line about clubber lang is really misplaced as well. Yeah, it makes absolutely no sense. It makes no sense. When you take your shirt off

and put on your boxing gloves. Karate. You're the best around. And the best part is the beginning of it. He's in, his first fight is with some nobody, not in Cobra Kai. And he keeps running out of the ring. And his girlfriend has to be like,

be strong, Daniel. Come on. Wow, this sucks. I backed the wrong horse. Hey, did someone say horse? We back in horses over here? She is weirdly knowledgeable of the rules of a karate tournament because she's been hanging out with Johnny, dude.

She's been fucking subjected to all sorts of inane karate chat. This is probably like her fourth All-Valley tournament. Yeah, I'm an old pro with the All-Valley. Yeah, and like... Oh, she's there, by the way. This is kind of a hilarious thing on your feet thing is the guy's like, yeah, no girl's allowed on the mat or like whatever the shit excuse is.

And he's like, oh, Danielson is like, yeah, she's his translator. Yeah, that'll do. He can't understand me, you see. What would all the Japanese I'm speaking? Fluent Japanese. And now the song starts and we're fighting each other and it's the best part of the movie.

My wife, her little cousin, was like, you know what I love the movie The Karate Kid and she's like oh cool you're like a six year old girl that's kind of weird and they put it she put it on and like the first 10 minutes go on she's like can we just fast forward

to the karate tournament because that's what everybody fucking wants to watch the two hours at golf and stuff and the crying and all sorts of shit the botched suicide attempts and all of it whatever is going on by this fucking catfish job that Miss Laruso has

oh wait yeah we got to back up for a second This is ridiculous. This woman's in a cult. She travels cross-country to join some computer company, and she gets there, and I guess it doesn't exist. Yeah, dude, oh shit, Colton Neve Schulman. You got catfish, lady. So she ends up working as a hostess at a restaurant.

Which you can't do in Newark, obviously. Yeah. Well, they got run out of town. Oh, that's it. What would the bounce checks? Yes, exactly. But what's, I mean, she's describing a job that, as far as we can tell,

a manager of a restaurant. But what she is saying to Daniel is like yeah, as soon as I give him all this money I'm going to move up to the second tier. And once I get to the second tier, I access all sorts of bonus material. I was like, you're in a fucking pyramid scam, lady.

This isn't even a restaurant. There's no food here. Daniel, it's going to be okay. In a few years we'll know who's Lord Zeno is. We just got to fork over another $20,000 and we'll get to worship Lord Zinu. You don't want to go to college, right?

That's fine. Daniel, I got a job at the first Amway restaurant. Also, easy with those Scientologist jokes, dude. This is a fucking home turf. I don't... Well, if you're VIP, you could shoot me on the patio. That's what you're paying for. Hey, Siska.

Well, you know, we made fun of the Lord Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's all the same. ...the fun of Lord Zeno, right, folks? They're all pyramid schemes, guys. Fair point. Yeah, so we're karate fighting. We're flapping all over these red mats. Somehow this kid with fucking three weeks training,

mostly on a boat, ascends, which really tells you how fucking shitty the rest of these dojoes are. Mostly on a boat, mostly on sanding a deck. Yeah. And he wins, he's getting all the way up. The guy before him is going to beat... It's this weird thing,

and the whole fucking Cobra Kai should be eliminated immediately because it's like it's the semi-finals Johnny fights his one kid he beats him it's really cool because actually Zabka's good at karate Like you could tell like he's Yeah it's not too shabby Zabka's good matchio is terrible

Like you could barely fucking get his leg up He's been studying on a boat And paint in a fence Of course he's terrible I was just saying the actor Like if I'm in the movie The Karate Kid I might take a karate class I have time for that dude

And I don't appreciate this Cobra Kai trying to be sentimental towards the end. Yes. Because they got one guy who goes to take him out. Is he the sweet black guy? Yeah, maybe.

The guy who goes out and does it and then comes up to Route Macho who is like curled over in the corner and he's like, I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. It's like he was, like, it kicked him in the face. Yes.

The journey of Daniel Rousseau is like growing their hearts like five sizes. Uh-huh. They're seeing now like what they've done. Sure. Well, he kneecaps the kid. He like kind of jumps up and kicks him in the kneecap.

Yeah, it's like you're doing a high kick, but then the pressure's all like coming. It's like a Robert De Niro kick, actually, when you really think about it. But he, this kid gets eliminated, and they're like, oh, well, if Laruso doesn't win, then I guess, or can't fight the next round, then Cobra Kai wins.

And they just, like, it's obviously clear what they did. Like, one Cobra Chi helped out the other. Yeah, this is a bullshit Mickey Mouse karate tournament. I've never seen a bigger karate disgrace than the All Valley. It's disgusting. Daniel Russo is injured Miyagi goes backstage and like tens do them and it's like all right

all right kid I'm going to rub my hands together real fast something I learned back on the East Coast here we go yeah this is when I was a boxing coach I did this on Joe Lewis a bunch of times just going to rub my hands together really quickly like and then I'm going to touch you I'm also going to slip you a little methamphetamine alright don't worry about it don't worry about it

yeah no it's all in my hands just smell this real quick I smuggled it in crack this thing right in front of your nose and I just need you to breathe in real quickly I smuggled it in behind my eye Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of security here at the Hall Valley. And Laruso's, yeah, let's go. Let's go fucking fight.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow, oh, wow. Yeah, we're going to fucking beat this kid up. Yeah. Daniel LaRuso's going to fight. Daniel LaRuso's going to fight. I love this announcer guy. This guy is, like, the best character in the movie. He's legitimately excited for the film to come to an end.

He's just like, holy shit, he's going to fight him. You could smell the cores on this dude, though. Absolutely. He's wearing a fully denim outfit. When you look at this guy's cast listing when the credit scroll, it's Bob Banquet Beer Larson. This guy

smells like divorced for 20 years, mahogany, one-bedroom apartment. His hobby is watching kids fight each other. This is a good one. This is a good one they got here. Yeah, I'm a professional kid fight watcher.

Yeah, no, I'm going to go to the All Valley. That's where they got good. kid fighting. Yeah, I don't really like the All Valley. I'll be honest. Not enough blood. I got to tell you, the worst day of the year is the day after the All Valley, because it's the longest time between

All Valleys. Oh, by the, by the, all valley under 18. It's an important distinction. Of course, I know. I don't fuck with plus 18. I mean, I guess there must be a plus 18 at some point. It's what a fucking 40-year-olds fighting each other. So he's going to fight, and

you know, he's just, doing pretty well. John Crease again is like, I'm a distrustworthy dude in karate. Why don't you use that leg to your advantage? And Johnny's like, obviously. Like, thanks for the tip, stupid. But he gets, I mean, this is the very famous sweep the leg. He sweeps the leg. And then he, then, like, his leg is dangling so he could do this crane kick, which he's never actually properly taught. He just sees Miyagi do it once. He has a copy cat. Also, like, people have claimed over the years and um shockingly I don't know anything about karate tournaments well Chris Cabin yeah I know nothing either come on this guy was up after the coupon

expires no kicking in the face is what you're getting at right yeah this is apparently illegal any karate heads out there that there we go Ron Rose says illegal what you are doing this instant information did you fight in the All Valley by any Jets Yeah, the day after the All Valleys when I just put on my All Valley tapes Gets me right till Christmas watch a couple of those specials then it's right back to the tapes

The kids of 1982 Now that wasn't All Valle Yeah, 84 was okay There was that kid with the weird broken leg That was alright Oh 81, we got a jawbreak Because face kicking is totally cool Yeah, I got rid of the tape of 79 though

That's when that one kid died But I'm just gonna be sitting here with these because, you know, the baby fights don't start for four months. Oh, the All Valley Under Nines, he goes to watch. All Valley Jr., dude. You know, back in the day, they used to let in two-year-olds. No shit, two-year-olds could fight in this. Yeah, they've ruined the sport with regulations.

Let me ask you something to now, Chad. What's the Vig on that two-year-old over there? You're not going to believe me, but I once saw an eight-year-old hit a two-year-old like a hacky sack up in the air. Yeah, I gamble on kid fights. so he does a crane kick and it brings the fucking house down obviously people go eap shit for this illegal move

we get a little bit of Johnny Lawrence redemption when he's like you're all right Lou so here's the trophy because he's the hero of the fucking film thank you he's got the real arc here man he does redemption Zabka rules the weird thing is like there's the scene that it was actually filmed for this movie but it was cut and put in the second movie

which actually kind of doesn't make sense sure great scene though You see the parking lot afterwards and John Crease breaks William Zabka's fucking second price trophy He's like that's bullshit And he's about to beat this kid up And then Marita comes in because

Marita and Crease have beef And he like beats the crap out of him And like almost takes his life But then out of the grace of himself doesn't do it He does the whole like Yeah, almost ripped your throat out But I got your nose Or is it part three with got your nose

Or is it both? I think it's a second one. I think it's two, yeah, too. Which makes so much, like, that should be the end of the movie. That completes, like, Merida's journey. That's a thing. That's an ending to a movie. Steve, are you asking for this to be longer?

No, I guess not. But if you cut out that we're moving across the country, whores shit, you could have this ending at the end. And you could also remove at least one of the golf-n-stuff scenes. Yeah. Maybe it was really expensive to get a permit at golfing stuff. Oh, okay. So it's like, we got to. get our money's worth at a couple more scenes

at golfing stuff I mean they're driving like little go carts it looks fun as fuck dude if it still exists I might go there afterwards I want to go there right now yeah we might go there right now and break in we're taking the audience to golf and stuff

look under your chairs you're going to golf and stuff and you're going to golf and stuff and you're going to golf and stuff you're just going to stuff Sorry, pal. Oh, fuck, welcome to stuff, dude. Open 23 hours a day. And that's the end of the movie, right?

He wins. That's the end of the movie. We freeze frame on Miyagi. Very important. Yes. Well, because he even does Laruso completing the little kid Rocky thing.

He's like, hey, Mr. Miyagi, we did it. Right, Adrian? I mean, Mr. Miyagi. If you wanted to make it like Little Wiener Rocky, he should have lost though. Yeah, that's true. Let him win in the sequel. But he should still fight Carl Weathers.

He knocks this kid out. Does Carl Weathers beat the shit I have a little kid? I can get into it. I can get into it. See you do the cream fucking kick now! You got yourself a stew, baby. And that's the karate kid.

That's the end of the movie. So, unfortunately, we've got to start wrapping it up. We want to thank you guys for coming out here tonight. Thank you, guys. Give yourselves a round of applause. And, of course, big thanks to Hollywood Improv, putting up with us twice and one night. This is a great place. Super stoked to be back here.

But as you know, here on We Hey Movies, we like to end every live show with a little bit correspondence from the greatest place to find the smartest thoughts about movies, the internet movie database user review section. The greatest opinions. If you want to know what fucking Martin Scorsese

thinks about Thor 2, go to the IMDB. That's fine. So we got one review before we get out of here. One out of ten stars. Oh, come on.

Be warned, there are spoilers. For stupid shit that will make no sense, but there are spoilers. Subject line, very fitting. I don't like this movie. Peremphasis, spoilers. From

A1 nut. That is the weirdest steak sauce, by the way. Weirdly all white. I'm not saying it's bad, it's just a little tangy You know what, fuck you, cabin

What if the guy was just crazy about A1's steak sauce The regular kind I was just a fan of A1 and they made fun of me on the show Written August 2nd, 2003 Again, just like the last show man This motherfucker woke up in the middle of of the night like, oh, my thoughts

about the karate kid. To the internet. Okay. I know I am probably in the minority here, but I really did not like this movie at all. First off,

you can only beat the same kid up so many times before it gets really old. Think again. They made three of these fucking things. It continues to be hilarious. I mean, I think that's true in most cases,

but when it's fucking Ralph Machio. Yeah. Also, it is completely unbelievable. There is no way that Miyagi could possibly teach Daniel enough karate in just two months for Daniels to even make it past his first match. True.

Yeah, fair point. The time frame given is two months. Well, I'm going to take an umbrage with that one thing. Yeah, do it, dude. Umbrage it up. That, that assumes that there are reputable karate studios anywhere. Like, it's all a scam.

They're all next to fucking arcades anyway. Like, you know what I mean? Like, the belt system's about money anyway. Totally, if you go into a karate studio and you can have a lesson while someone changes the oil in your car. Yes. Not a reputable organization, man.

You might as well be sad at somebody's fucking house. He is competing against guys that have been taking karate for years. You're going to. tell me, oh my god this guy on the internet. He doesn't mean to get off on a rant here, but you're going to tell me

that in two months he can learn enough to beat someone who has been taking karate for two years? I don't think so. This guy's laying down the fucking hammer on the karate kid. Also, there is no way that a rich, beautiful, popular cheerleader

like Allie would give Daniel the time of day. There we go. We're getting into in-cell territory. That's it. That's the one. A1 nut, you're showing your colors. Yeah, A-1 nut has been nutting

to Elizabeth's shoe for 20 years and cannot stand it. You know, maybe nut to Elizabeth hat once in a while. Eric jokes. I try to get a groaner every show. After the Beach incident, Daniel is considered

the school wimp by the entire senior class. That's true. Allie would be too afraid of ruining her reputation to even give Daniel another glance after the beach fight where Johnny takes him down. In Cell City, yelling on the internet. Lastly,

this movie gives the wrong message. Okay. The cobra kies aren't automatically going to accept Daniel just because he beat them in a tournament. It would be more like, quote, Hey, you cost me my title. Just wait till after school tomorrow, wimp. Oh, nice.

A1 nuts bringing in some true life experience. Oh, absolutely, I feel. It'll be more like, yeah, a nice fucking volcano. Be shame if I fucking broke it right in front of Miss Pizziski. And then I got my fucking... And the toilet, God damn it. How'd you guess the next line of the review? Say anything sucks.

Ione Sky would date me and not John Cusack. Dude, you're just getting jealous of Lloyd Dobler. Okay. The second movie had a better message. Travel halfway across the world to eradicate a traditional blood feud that's been standing for decades. Yeah. It's a good message.

I give it. It's a good message. Love is always worth fighting for. We are, we hate movies from New York City, everybody. Thanks a lot for coming out, Los Angeles. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Thank you, everybody. All right, gang, that's going to do it for this week.

Be sure to tune in next week, kicking off WLM Month. We are in studio with John Gabris talking die hard with a vengeance. That's right. The one with Jeremy Irons in a tank top. Stay tuned. That was a headgum podcast.