We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 459 - Return of the Jedi

Episode Date: December 17, 2019

On this week's very special episode, the gang completes their WLM Star Wars adventure by tackling the sixth episode in the Skywalker Saga, Return of the Jedi! How horrifying is it that these ewoks are definitely eating human flesh? What was Lucas thinking with that gleep glop sticking its lips in the camera in the altered version? And is that dude crying over the Rancor showing the first nipples in Star Wars? PLUS: Admiral Ackbar and Grand Moff Tarkin star in the Oscar-winning, Squid Book. Return of the Jedi stars Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Peter Mayhew, Ian McDiarmid, Frank Oz, James Earl Jones, David Prowse, Sebastian Shaw, Alec Guinness, and Warwick Davis; directed by Richard Marquand. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, it all ends here for now. It's Return to the Jedi. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we love movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to the program.

Thank you for tuning in, as always. Like I said, up top, it's Return of the Jedi from 1983, directed by the late Richard Markwan. Can I stop you there? It's actually Star Wars, Episode 6, Colin Return of the United. the Jedi show. Oh, oh, that's right. And you can find my apology. Let me just bend over really quick. It's buried in my asshole. Oh, he's bent over and you showed me. It's in your colon. That's the colon in between the episode and the, anyway. You know, this colon kind of looks like the hole in the meteorite where Han and they got stuck. I'm going to be shooing you, sir. You're

soon now. You're talking about Empire Strikes Back, which by the way, we just dropped an episode there on the Patreon feed. This is our third. We've done, we love movies on Star Wars, on Empire Strikes Back, and now this is the final Return of the Jedi.

So if you're not a patron, you are six hours behind this conversation because our episode on Star Wars 77 is two hours and 51 minutes, I think, and our episode on Empire Strikes Back is two hours and 54 minutes.

Good God, we can just fucking flap these gums. And this is actually sadly the longest of these movies, So Lord knows what this will wind up being. No, this one is like, at least what I watched was like 2.14 and Empire was 216. Oh, is it really? Yeah, that I'm way wrong. I don't know.

Maybe the cuts are different. Maybe George just took five minutes out of the movie. I just snip some random stuff, you know, try to guess what I cut. How else would you know that bantha is fucking a hurt? How else would you know? If not for me and my genius. You're welcome. By the way, quickly speaking of Star Wars, we're also doing the Mandalorian.

and we recapped every episode. I'm saying we'd already done that for the future. Right. But we are recapping every single episode on Patreon. And we're having a lot of fun really. So thanks to everybody for being a patron and also for listening to their show. And also, you main feeders.

Yeah, this is kind of the end of the ninth season here. Or not the end of the ninth year we've been doing this. End of the ninth year. Yeah. Totally not. November 2010. Wow, what an innocent time that was. comparatively speaking.

It's true. Now there's fucking Star Wars going on in real life. That's true. So this is, I think, my favorite scroll because it kind of just cuts through the BS and it's just like, hey, listen, man, Luke Skywalker said fuck it, he's going back to Tatooine to save his buddy.

And also, like, there's a new death star. So fuck you. I guess we'll get to that at some point. They're just remaking the first movie. Yeah, what did fucking Starlog have to say about that? I'm sure they were upset about that. I read that this death star is, what, like 400% bigger than the original death star? Is that right?

The only problem, no, the exhaust thing was fine. The problem was it was too small. Get it to be a, yeah. Now they can fly a fucking ship through the thing. Yeah, that's actually a really good one. You could drive a truck through it. Hong Kong. Look, the first one was mostly a bakery.

This one has to take a blessed room within it, maybe just a quarter. You can drive a falcon through this. That exhaust hole. Listen, I want two swimming pools. That's right. Look, we didn't do it right the first time. I'm making my dream death star now. Yeah.

It's the last death star I'm ever going to live in. If we don't have two pools, how are we going to attract the babes? You know, I heard the Saudis have these hills, snow hills that you can ski down inside, inside. I love the notion that the emperor is up on the... the extracurricular activities of Saudi Arabia. The kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Oh, they're still alive in this universe.

Oh, my God, but that's a good point. There should be like a biodome level of like, you know. You just have vegetation. You grow stuff in there. Like maybe like silent running, that class Oh, yes. Speaking of droids, dude, he's fucking talking all sorts of little bleep bloops in that movie. Who picked out the, like, so here's the thing.

I get it. You guys were making a new to the Death Star. Why would you do it off this forest moon of Endor full of little bear people? Do they know that the Ewaks are farting around there? I think they're killing Ewox daily. Like to install all of that shit, they had to like just wipe out a bunch of forest parts. That would make sense. But like when the troopers first see them, they're like, what?

Yeah. The fuck? I mean, you've been here for like a couple weeks. Well, maybe it was a shift change, Cabin. Oh, yeah. Keep the same man sweating down there. Great points. New recruits being sent over there.

but I guess the Force Moon of Endor comes into play in this movie because of the shield generator so that this Death Star has a shield okay right yeah yeah that's in the movie but like I guess that means then if they want to keep that shield up

they can't fucking pull away from the Endor yeah I mean I guess now we're stuck here I think that might be a thing where it's like listen it's not built yet it's going to be a shield generator on the Death Star but we need a little we also need a place to put hats, you know.

Yeah, that's a great part because it's still under construction. And it fucking looks great. I love seeing the different decks not built yet. There's a good ramada over on end door. I was thinking, though, just rewatching it this morning, like, what a weird way to construct it, though? Like, it does look cool. But, like, when you watch it for the first time, you're like, oh, was that just like

the blown out part of the other death star? Like, what am I looking at right here? It looks like someone attacked it. I think you build it from the inside out is the idea, right? First we start with a little pod, and then we just keep adding hallways. We're just waiting for drywall to be delivered. I'm sorry. The upper has gone mad.

This is like a house that's gone all wrong. There's just stairs to nowhere. Oh, what a money pit I have on my head. Welcome to your master bedroom. Well, that's the first seat is Vader shows up and is like, what is, this is ridiculous. What am I being charged? for here. Look, listen, listen. Contractors, am I right?

Yo, who's this guy that it's another Marf Gerard? Oh, Grandmuff Gerard. Or Gerr... There's another J in the middle there. It's Gerjad or something like that. Oh, yes. Good old Gerjad. Jerry Gerjad. I know people are going to be mad that we don't have that correct. You know what, though? There's some pretty

dumb things to get mad about it. And it's like, I'm so fucking nerdy about these movies but like I've got limits guys also how do you the complainer know that you're right that's true so Vader's like hey guess what one I'm a secret

chopper right now you know what I mean I'm coming in in the middle of your I'm the district manager he should have a clipboard I would love it if Vader had a clipboard even if it doesn't have to be analog steve it could be a little like bleep blopping But he is just looking at numbers. He's like looking at people's boots.

He's like, that's not good. Or like Rubin, the little boy with a clipboard next to him. Oh, nice. Who comes with him everywhere? Rubin, take a note. Jerry fucked up again. Serri, it's grandmopter. It's Jerry.

Only a six foot archway. Ruben, make a note of that. We asked for eight feet. All right, my head, you will finish this death star on time. Only one roll of toilet paper. Rubin. So there's dialogue here about like, oh, the, you know, it's not done on time. And it's like, well, the emperor asks the impossible.

I need more men. Perhaps you could tell him yourself when he arrives. And it's this whole like, the emperor's coming here. I love that part. I just, I kind of want the like open door farce of getting the debt star ready for the emperor. Oh, totally. Outdoor. Like, you have some like real.

wacky music right here too. They're all running around. Maybe a classic Scooby-Doo hallway joke. Tim Roth from four rooms is just hanging out in between a little imperial bellboy. Vader also tells him that the emperor's not as forgiving as he is and it's like, whoa, he's

not known for being forgiven. That's weird. Worse? That's weird. That guy chokes people. Like just straight up chokes people in the middle of the fucking hallway. No, yeah. You don't want to... The emperor, he puts your legs backwards and makes you walks backwards with the force. yes put an egg in your butt and walk it backwards across campus now you will waddle

waddle pick up the the pickle with your cheeks oh man people do that to this day right like they're still doing that people love it stuff i think that's how you get admitted to college in some schools right yeah you do a little pickle ass trick full ride yeah at the really bad ones at this point you have to do what the guy an audition goes through to get into a fucking frat at this point. That's why they keep dying. But I love that Vader, first of all,

the triangular ship that we have in this, whatever that those cruise. Oh, the Lambda class shuttle. Love it. Love the design of those. It's so fucking awesome, dude. And it's also like, it's kind of very, like, 60s-looking, like Howard Johnson.

Yes. You know what I mean? It looks like those old, like the Hojo hotels and shit. Like, it looks very triangular like that. Very, yes, my classic car. I'm taking out. Vader's taking his new wife up to the new Howard Johnson. He's trying all the Sherbert. Oh, she's going to eat it all in front of him.

Yeah. Then he's got to go back to New York and come up with the ad campaign. My wife who is bilingual in both English and French, I believe she's from Canada. We have a meeting with the Don Draper later this week. Well, I mean, yeah, you've got to sell the

fucking the debt star. You've got all these rooms to fill. That's true. This hotel will be fully operational just do you know what just do that at Galaxy's Edge just build an entire Death Star for you to stay absolutely

I would if they had like a Star Wars hotel I would never go anywhere else on vacation like holy shit can you imagine well because then you would have to well it's kind of turning into a sex hotel but there'd be like fantasy rooms right

you'd have the best bin room for sure all of Galaxy's Edge is just sex stuff right yes exactly all them role players i think they are building a hotel there so is that right i think so yeah so stay tuned for some like star wars sex fucking weird kids are going to be conceived there man bob iger asks too much we need twice as many men perhaps you could tell him yourself when he arrives bob higer is coming here here i am i just picture bob auger talks like mickey man oh yeah for sure So anywho We cut down to tattooing

C3PO and R2D2 are roaming the desert once again Did they drop them off Like a quarter mile down the road Kind of a thing Like look we don't want to see the car Yeah No that's exactly what it is I think

Yeah totally It's like all right get walking This is as far as we can go man They're gonna fucking spot us You gotta look like you got lost out here And C3 Poa and RTD Toa I love the little language with the little eyeball bot.

Right. And now, some people in the room watched the Disney Plus version. Me and Steve watched the original original, right? In this is not a pay episode, I'll just say I watched the original version, period. Yes, yes. I watched it on a VHS tape and then I watched a different way to watch it. That, never mind.

But on the Disney Plus version. Oh, the Shadow Puppets version. You did it yourself. He acted out all the characters. C. 3PO acted it out for me. That's what I love. I love that part in Ender when he's just doing the wonderful. Dude, I love it. It's the only endearing C3PO moment in history. You are just nuts with this C3PO hatred.

But I told Chelsea when we were watching this today, I was like, you know what? The trailer for the new one kind of makes it look like he's going to eat shit at the end of that movie. And as much as I hate him, when it happens, I know I will cry. Oh, for sure. Without a doubt. I really loved

him at the end of it all. We had our differences, me in 3PO. It's C3PO. Could you leave the door open a little bit? he's just sitting in a wheelchair Oh, sorry You guys see R2D2 at the bank And R2D2 puts an assigned clothes

Artu please oh Oh Artu talk to me Oh you're going to lunch That's fine I'll wait R2D2 can't eat the bread anymore Oh no Oh yeah dip it in the good oil Oh my God

So what I was going to say It was very interesting because I was going to just talk a lot about a door. What's about the door? The door in your version you watch Chris and Andrew is 10 times bigger than the door we watched. For some reason, one of these Star Wars changes was to make the door look way more massive.

Yeah, I was like, what are you parking a boat in there? Yeah, what's the point? Well, to get Jabba in and out of the palace, you know. Oh, yeah, that's true. My 600-pound life on TLC. He could have made it through that regular door. No, because he's not Slytherin no more. He's too fat.

Yeah, his slithering days are over. They have to get a, like, a big platform through that door. It's all flooding platforms. He's a hufflepuff these days. So, yes, I love the, I love the droid doorman. Yes. Oh, yes. Great exchange.

And the whole thing is, like, you know, C3Bio is very nervous because it's like, you know, we have to negotiate with Jabba the Hut. And, like, it's a classic, I'm going to tell, like, Luke tells R2 something. And 3PO doesn't know shit about shit. And that's, that's, that's, good move Luke Skywalker because you know this gold fucking tin can is going to mess it up

he's going to fucking say something mess the deal he's going to fold you know a folder that's him oh no I misspoke again and he comes they go in we meet Bibb Fortuna Jabba no bother Jabba do hut

are all the Fortunes named after lettuces yes there's Bib Fortuna Romaineburg Fortuna Kale Fortuna it kind of works Kale-Fortuda definitely kind of works. Yeah, Kale is a classic Star Wars person. Bip Fortuna wants to fuck Jop, wants to fuck R2DU, for sure.

Oh, yeah. It's a little sexual, the slither. Scream in the dome there a little bit. But speaking of Kail being a Star Wars name, I read a Star Wars novel that did have Kail as a name. Really? Was it spelled the same way as the festival? I think it was a human, and I think it might have been

Death Troopers. I think that's out of the canon now. But that was a Star Wars zombie crossover with novel. Wait, wait, wait, wait, what did you say? A Star Wars zombie? Yeah, yeah, there were like zombies in Star Wars. Is that right? Briefly.

Yeah, I'm fine with that, too. A brief flirtation with zombies? It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't good either. Did it get into the backstory with his sister spinach? Shut the fuck up, Chris. Was that the, you know, when she was younger, she was called baby spinach. Yes. Oh, that's cute.

Baby Cale. Yeah. Was that the thing you were telling me about that one book that was like it was kind of like a Star Wars horror book

where... Yes, yes, yes. That was the one of the zombies? Yeah, yeah. I think some like stormtroopers become zombies or something. I might check that out. Anywho.

We're about to meet finally Jabba the Hut. Three movies in, we didn't know what this guy was going to look like. It's a great fucking puppet. It's an excellent... It's incredible.

It's incredible. And I was realizing to, I hadn't really thought about it lately I mean I'm sure this thought crossed my path before because I've seen all the special editions before but like, of course he shouldn't be in that first movie. No, no. You know what I mean? Because like so much

of it is the great reveal. You've been talking about this motherfucker for two movies and you finally get the reveal. If he's there in the fucking parking lot in the first movie, what a waste! Just hanging out in the parking lot. What is he even doing there? Was he me in high school at Taco Bell?

Definitely more leaner Yes Well that's in between the two movies I think he had a death in the family He kind of just ate his way through it It's just not recommended It was that weird mix of overeating But he's also doing a lot of blow

Yeah So he's just sick looking He had like a like a hut queen Living with him in this palace And then she like passed away from I don't know Hutt warts Whatever they

Oh man A gnarly case of Hutt warts My question is, how did Jabba the Hut gain to power? Again, I'm talking about Martin Scorsese movies. There's always like, you got to be the toughest guy in the block and that's how you amass power. When did everyone just start worshipping this space slug? I think it was a thing, dude.

He fucking assassinated the last dude that was at the top. And it's like, oh, fuck, now this fat guy's the ruler. They do turn in each other like that. But I think like the whole like hut planet, like I feel like this is probably just the Star Wars, EU and stuff informing itself from just saying we're going to take what this movie did and just do that more. So I believe all the

huts are basically usually gangsters. But like royalty kind of like passed on down. It's like Italians in America. Got it. They're all organized crime and they just pass it down. The great man father really fucking

pounded the pavement. By the way this is obviously we always say this that is not meant to disrespect. This is a pro mafia podcast, a pro-hut, gangster lord podcast as well. Really quickly got lost in there, but we're talking about the mafia and Italians man, R-I-L-I-Ellas. Anyway, what were you saying, Kevin? Well, like, Tony Soprano isn't as fat as Jabba the Hut, but they're similar, like, they're mostly ordering other people to do stuff. That's very sure. Yeah, and he hates his family. Yeah, there you go.

I will say George Lucas did in this final, because you never knew what Job of the Hut looked like. In 1983, he created the nuclear fat insult, right? Like, you call somebody Jabba the Hut. It's like, fuck you. You know what I mean? I guess that's true, because everybody knew what that was. Exactly. No, no, I meant because he's got a lot of power and influence.

No, he's always eaten fucking frogs. No, it's like, you call somebody Jabba the Hut. It's like, fuck you, man. How fucking dare you? If I knew then what I know now, man, creating all sorts of schoolyard bullying motivation. I would have made the same exact fucking choice as fuck you I created Star Wars

you fat little kids him just turning on his audience or he could always be like that was a little mean so I'm gonna go back and make Jabba just a little worm a fun little worm he looks like earthworm Jim now actually Slacious Crum was the original

Jabba the hut oh salacious yeah so we're in Jabba's palace now we get to see All the crew here. Is it like Grito's cousin is hanging out here? Who is this dude? Yeah, it's just another one of them. Yeah.

What's funny is in the special edition with Jabba at that parking lot, they were a bunch of Gritos dressed basically exactly like Grito. Well, you got to give him a blue out or like a black outfit or a red outfit or something. Yeah, not the same exact jacket. Steve, you didn't watch that version and these guys did. They got to see the Jedi Rocks song segment, which features a sexy Grito. There's definitely a sexy grito. And she's, like, got, like, a revealing top on and kind of, like, oh, geez, who are they?

They're sort of styling her after Grace Jones, like, just a little bit in the outfit. And, like, because she, if I'm remembering it, right, she kind of has, like, a stupid mohawk, too. It sucks ass. I mean, did it stop the movie dead for you? Did you want to be dead when you watched it? Yeah, I just kind of looked at my computer. How about that Harry Bug that came out and was like, oh, be dead? Well, because that's...

There's Michael McDonald's little fucking furry. Well, because it's a duet. It's a duet. It's a duet. It's Michael McDonald. And then there's other thing, and the lips come right at the camera. I do remember that. Yeah. Yeah, get sucking.

It's so fucking terrible. Fucking screaming ant dog with this thing. That ant dog, wait, yo, not the ant dog, but the woman was in the original. Yes. But as a puppet. in the back in the background and it's fucking like one of the worst it looks like a puppet

that got left out in the rain yes I recall it being a really it's like barely even just eh like it's certainly not dancing around singing and I mean like it takes away from the aesthetic of all of the Coke disco that is going on at

Jabba's Palace the entire time because it's kind of it's like in the last move or in the the first movie, you know, in Star Wars 77, we had like the jizz. Yes. Right. And this is like acid jizzes. Yes, for sure.

Max Rebo band, the purple, not the purple, the blue elephant. Yeah. Purple is the best. What visits me at night. Yeah. But he is the best. The Max Rebo band is super cool. This fucking blue elephant tickling those keys and shit, man.

Do you think they ever went on tour and opened for Figuring Dan? I think it's the other way around, man. I think Figurban did he wishes he could open for fucking that. Wow. You think so. Well, look at it this way, though. Actually, it's, if Figuring Dan is considered the better musician. Okay, all right, all right.

Like, Figuring Dan, like, they're just dropping it into play the canteena or whatever, and then they might go play someplace else. Got it. But this other band, the Max Rebo band, they're like Jabba's House Band. It's kind of like you're just stuck at a Vegas residency. You know what it is? It's like the roots in Jimmy Fallon. Like, they are also held hostage, forced to play music for a crime empire.

Yeah, man. I want to know whose job it is. that's constantly holding 12 sniper rifles on the roots. Anywho, so yeah, they're playing. Yeah, I had to sit through a terrible musical number. Wait, so did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I kind of, in that argument,

I think Rebo is clearly, like, the more experience. Because, like, it's like when in the Irishmen, they have Rickles do, like, the birthday party. Yeah, sure. Like, they paid him a lot of fucking money to be there. It's fucking Rickles. Right, right. By the way, if you want more,

information on the Figrant Dan and Max Rebo band on the Gleep glossary on our Patreon for the Figment Dan episode and the Model Nodes, I believe we do get into a little bit about the Max Rebo band. We got to do Max Rebo itself. That guy definitely OD'd.

For sure. I'm not remembering like he's definitely Oh no. Jabba finds him in the bathroom. You're late for your set Rebo. Oh no. Get him a wake-up shot. Right, Lord.

Where is it? Give me my little black medical droid. My little black, my little black, my little black, my little black, my little bonk. He's on the sail barge. Yes. And we see that explode, but I don't know. For all I know, in the EU, it's like he fucking flew out a window. I feel like the first side of trouble of Max Drew was like,

oh fuck and he's he knows that you know it's like a cop breaking up a party you just gotta get out of here but he went back for his stash and then it went right and then it blew up yeah we see Luke Skywalker in a hologram form

and he's he's bar I love this black outfit I'm a huge fan it's awesome it's not a priest outfit it looks like it is but like Steve Jobs fit yeah the turtleneck ain't that long cabin I mean he's got a little cut

that shit up to his ear load But the vest is doing all the work, you guys. The vest is. Steve Jobs is also armed to the teeth. By the way, in that song number, we do see Bobafet get fucking horny. Oh, yes. Oh, God. Oh, you know, in the original.

In the originals, I wanted to make Boba Fett really fucking horny, but we didn't have the technology. Yeah, what does he do? He kind of like pats that woman's head or something like the chin. Oh, yes, that's right. Like, you know Boba Fett fucks, but I don't need to see it. And this is the same... Don't you, though?

Well, that's the thing with Bob Fett is I think he's like the one Mandalorian who doesn't give his shit about the... Like, he's taking that helmet off all the time in the bedroom. Well, his father was, and apparently I saw one of these episodes of the Clone Wars that people on Twitter were telling me to check out. And in that episode, one of these Mandalorians was just like, that's just some fucking bounty hunter.

I have no idea how he got that armor. Like, he's supposed to be not Mandalorian now. But anyway, Boba Fett, Steve, remember you showed that photo to us not long ago of Fet with the glasses, like the Jeffrey Dahmer glasses and a little mustache? That is the special edition, Return of the Jedi. All the special edition changes with Fet, like different people were playing him. There's a guy named Mark Austin who played him in the parking lot. So not Jeremy Bullock.

Not Jeremy Bullock. And Jeremy Bullock only plays him in Jabba's Palace inside the shell. barge. On the exteriors, it's stuntman. Well, that makes you because it's all stunts. I mean, I actually think that like, and there's not, it's weird because like, Boba Fett is kind of, I mean, even though like he's not, um, by the way, one of the stuntmen is named Dickie Beer. Yes. Oh, dude. Dickie Beer here. Dick Beer, dude. It came back around. Get a little Dick beer. Glenn Randall Jr. and Dickie

Beer. Heroes, both of them. I agree. It is a bit unceremonious what happens to Fett in this movie. He's the guy that steals Han. Like he should have a little something. I do kind of like it though. It's funny. It's very funny. It's funny. It's the happenstance. It's just like you could die. You could get hit by a truck and you could be the best person in the world and get hit by a truck.

Well, that's the thing, right? And I think, what the fuck were we talking to this about? Oh, man. It was something recently. Oh, it's the same thing. We were talking about it in our Mad Max Fury Road episode that will air after this. Yes. But that whole notion too with Immorten, Joe's

death where it's just like, here's this dude who's this hyped up villain and it's an unceremonious death. Same thing here. Like she fucking strangles him. It is awesome that she does it and it's like out of the way. Like the rest of the dudes don't even fucking see it. I like it. You don't get like

a huge... I'm trying to say that Return the Jedi is very much like real life. And here's how. Absolutely. You just fucking die, man. Not everyone gets this big dramatic fight or needs a long played out death or meaning to death. Death has no meaning. Life has no meaning.

I mean, it's also the goofiest of the movie so far. Oh, for sure. And like, so something like whoopsie, the blind man fucking sent him to an eternal death. Well, what's great what I love about this opening and with Jabba's Palace and the Sailbarch is we're just doing a pirate movie now. We are.

And it's fucking great. I just, I'm a sucker for getting the gang back together. And this is one of the best getting the gang back together. Yes. Of all time. We've got to go back to the hologram, because We got to talk about Princess Leia coming in as Bosch. Yeah, so he basically is like, hey, guess what? Why don't you take my droids as payment?

You know what I mean? Like, he's like, I'm going to come and bargain with you in a couple days. But just take these droids as a sign of goodwill. And Jabba does. There's the one droid getting tortured in the fucking... Oh, dude, the fucking feet torture? Yeah, dude, that's getting off. And then there's another guy getting ripped apart.

Oh, dude, yeah, for sure. It's pretty great. And it's all by the dude who will go on. to work at the canteena and Mando. Yeah, oh, that guy. That guy's like the supervisor of like the droid torture. EV-99, which I just read actually programmed to be female. You wouldn't know.

Wow. Great robot voice. Love the robot voice. You're a feisty little one. Yeah, so like C3PO gets hired to be like the translator. And EV, is it 99? Yeah. Is like, oh, good. We haven't had a translator

since fucking Jabba had to kill that last one for some reasons. Oh, good, employment. We're also really behind on tortures. I mean, look at this place. I have to torture this guy and then this guy. I don't want to take in R2 and C3PO. Put them somewhere else, God damn it. But the crazy thing is, these robots have pain receptors?

Yeah, that's the part I'd never understand. Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain? It's a great question. Yeah, and R2 is going to be a waiter. on Jabba's sale bar. Man, you know, everybody's got to make a living. Good tips on that sale barge, though.

You get fucking really wasted customers. Exactly, dude. It's like working on a cruise. A shot of oil for the garbage can thing. Like, I'm going to give this fucking little garbage can like 50 bucks at the start of the day. And then he's just going to keep him common, man.

I don't even have to say anything. It's a great tip right up front. Because also, Jabba's barge, clearly an all-inclusive. Oh, yeah. to the end. Sure. So towards it, I guess maybe it was before the musical number where we have Ula, the Twilic dancing girl that gets fed to the rancor. It establishes that fear of what is beneath the floors. Right. And it's

a great fake out too because he's like pulling her in and you're like, oh, he's going to like liquor or something. And it's like, nope, drop through the fucking floor. And it's, it's a, I mean, yeah, it's, it's a, it's a, He's a bad dude that job of the hunt man. I think most of his concubines throw up when they look at it

which is kind of a sad situation. Yeah. But he's in to see that. He's got his humiliation finish. Call me I'm disgusting. Call me a piece of shit oh my name. Step on my tail.

Look how little my seaman port is. Insult me. Spit in my mouth or go out. If I can put on a diaper I would Oh man You know what? He probably should need one dude

Because he's slithering around Leaving a little shit trail everywhere I think there's just a shit hole underneath Like It's not a hole Steve I think he's sitting on like a graded platform So it can just fall through I mean there's all kinds of horror

I mean it's kind of like little St. James Island And he's Epstein like there's all kinds of horrors down there That nobody wants to talk about Bib Fortuna is he's just called Bibb because he brings the shit bib to Jaba to put a like a little like a curtain in front of him so that he could shit through that great

without everyone watching him. Bib, bib, bring me my bib. Maybe that's why they have to have the musical numbers, dude. It's like, all right, fire up the band. I need a distraction. Cover up these farts. Because he's got to be defecating in front of everyone.

Well, he's not going to a bathroom, dude. It's just like. It's all like this dry fluid. coming out of his mouth at all time. Dude, yeah, his like little leaking side of his mouth, it's just like white. Maybe he pisses out of his mouth. Well, it's white, so it'd be more

like coming out of his mouth. I do love the one... I'm coming in Jabba's Palace. There is a Jawa at Jabba's Palace. There's one, who I think is like a Jawa that lost his way and he just like burned out on Coke. It's been like... He went to sell a droid

and just never came back. Well, because he was a Jawa, you know, that had some dreams. Like, he was like, I don't want to be going around this desert, like stealing spare parts from others, right? Like, I want to be an artist. And his Jawa compatriots and family, like, kicked him out. It's like, ha, ha, ha.

It's kind of like root off the red-nosed reindeer. Oh, that's sad. It's like, you're fucking a different Jawa. You want to be a fucking dentist? Well, get the fuck out of here, Jawa. They should do a new holiday special, but about that Jawa. Yeah, totally. And then he just finds his way there, and Jaba's all like,

oh, come me, uh, you Jawa, um, Jabba, you know. And he, like, gives him, he introduces him just like a little bump really quickly and then that dude's like hooked forever. Jerry the jittery Jawa. Oh yeah. Oh wow Kevin that's great. New holiday special Disney there you go because that's what's kind of cool

and sad about Jabba. He just needs people around him all the time much of a drug addict. It's like when in that season of Breaking Bad when like Jesse Pinkman goes off the rails and like is doing drugs all the time and he buys all of his friends stuff. He's got TVs everywhere. Everybody's just in his house

playing Xbox 360 Exactly. It's like that Ron Burgundy line of like, we've been going to the same party every day from 10 years and that is in no way depressing. Yes, that perfectly encapsulates the life at Chabba's palace. So the next, um, Leah comes. Oh, yes.

Now, disguised as a deceased bounty hunter named Bouch, I looked it up again, Bouch, Bouch. I might be pronouncing it wrong, Chris. You're right. Hey, Fosh. I know that's the name of a television program too, but. It's also the leader of the chud cast, Bosch, dude. Right, yeah.

In my head, it was always Bosch, but maybe it was because of chud infection. Oh, shit, you didn't get that looked at. I always read it as boss as well, but it, yeah, it's probably poohs. But it is such a cool character design. I love this helmet. I love the language. And I love the tenacity of using the thermal detonator and Jabba agrees. This bounty hunter is my kind of scum.

This was, that's a great line to. This scene specifically. There's the respect of the balance. bounty hunter's guild. Oh, right, right. I remember being a kid and calling out sick or pretending to be sick just so I could sit at home and watch Return of the Jedi because this is my favorite as a kid. Uh, hello school. Yes, this is Mrs. Sadat. This is Mrs. Sadat. Yeah. Yeah, Steve's sick. But this scene specifically, I remember like so clearly because I love this scene. The look and feel of the thermal detonator is really

cool. And everyone's kind of ready to die too. like job was like oh oh please well it's because it's also and as much as it is like a fun you know like coke party it's also like the last act of a cult and they're ready to die dude and it's just like oh fucking thank god thank you speaking of you calling out from school or whatever yeah i you i had this on vhs obviously and in college i had one of those tv vCR combos cool very cool so did i dude what was great about that too is when it hits the end of the tape, it rewound itself. So I used to go to sleep watching Return of the Jedi an embarrassing amount of time.

An embarrassing amount of time. It's a great, yeah. I've seen it the most out of all of them. Yes, this is the most nostalgia e of the mall for me for whatever reason. It is. This is the only one of the special editions that I saw in theaters too.

Oh, really? I saw the mall in theaters multiple times. Because I'm a real, I'm an actual fan. Oh, pardon me. so she comes in and she's got Chewbacca I love Jabba's line like at last the mighty Chewbacca that's such a loaded line too

because it's like now this motherfucker has this huge history we don't really know anything about but like that line must have inspired so many of these books and offshoots and shit like how is he the mighty Chewbacca well there's fucking now 19 books that will tell you why I would wear a t-shirt

that said the mighty Chewbacca because that's where I am in life but yes Oh, question about that bounty hunter really quickly. Is that someone we'd met before? Do we know that this person's dead? I think that's just, you know, in the EU and stuff. Right. They explain, like, I guess, where she got the armor or whatever.

Right. So in this movie, it's like she just rolls up in a costume. Right. It was surprising, I believe, right? Like, she takes off the helmet when she's going to unfreeze Han Solo. And it's like, oh, yeah. Dude, she does a terrible job at trying to free Han Solo here. Like, I know it's nighttime. Jabba's palace. It's a terrible, like the position of where it is, you're never going to get

to it undetected. And she's like tripping over thing. It's just like, stop making all this noise. Your eyesight will return in time. Heck it weird when I'm going, I'm in somebody else's house. I'm staying over and I want to go to the fridge at night. Yes, exactly. Or the bathroom I'm tiptoeing. You're just banging and clarke and you're going to steal his favorite piece of art. Yeah. He's, he's like sleeping basically in the same hall, like or whatever. and it's just like, let me free this guy. Yeah. Cling.

Wait, where am I? You're in Jabba's Palace with someone who loves you. Hyber sickness. Hyberation sickness. Yes. Oh, it's so good. Your dick won't work for a couple of weeks. Wait, let me take this off so I can be louder.

I love you so much. Well, then she has the audacity to tell him to quiet down. I was like, you're yelling. You knocked the thing over. And then he opens the curtain. I just love that they're all behind this curtain, like a game show. That's a tight fit. Have you seen the fucking size of that worm?

Dude, it's like college students trying to cram into a telephone booth. Jabba's just got his hand. None of the... No, no, no, no, it's going to be great. It's going to be awesome. You, shh, shh, shh, shh, oh, it's going to be great. You suck it in. I've sucked it in enough.

I'm even sucking in my tail. You're stepping on me. You're stepping on me. You're stepping on me. That's not my foot. You know, Bib, you didn't need to be here. I could have done this by myself. But the curtain was revealed,

and he captures her. And he does tell Han Solo that he is no longer the smuggler. He thought he was. He's like a piece of shit now, essentially. And we get, obviously, welcome back to the franchise, Harrison Ford. Throwing away a lot of money here. Don't be a fool. Don't be a fool is a great

line. It's just one of those things to welcome back to the franchise because they weren't sure if he was going to sign on. I'm like, come on. Of course you're going to Harrison Ford. I know you care about nothing publicly but you care. He's great in this movie. This is the best he's in.

Really? He's the best in this, I think. Empire? I think Empire. Yeah, he's just got a little more swagger. I mean, I think he is great in this movie. The line read, his certain line readings in this movie are amazing. Like when he tells Chubacca, I don't know, fly casual.

And also the whole, when they're on the sale, where they're the sale bar just going and they're going to be, they're going to have to walk the plank or whatever. And he's just like Lucas sang how, you know, he grew up here. And Hans says, well, you're going to die here, you know. Convenience. Yeah. I mean, I like all of those lines, but also like I guess with the start of this too, like he's a little bit more of a vulnerable Han Solo. Yes, for sure. So he's not the like huge

cock swinging around, you know. That's true. The cock was hitting my face in Empire, which I didn't mind. You shouldn't watch it in 3D. Maybe that's why I loved it so much. I am not a big fan. We're going to take out the cock in a special edition. I'm not a big fan of wet, wet-haired Hans Solo. I'll be honest, man.

Really? It looks like a weird, like, he looks more scummy than usual with the slick back hair. He definitely does. Also, I had a thought about this. You know, for the whole carbonite freezing thing, and someone should send a note to the Ugnots about this, just with regard to the technnotes. Why don't we take a note from Terminator and make these people naked?

Yeah. Like, Han Solo should have to come out of that thing fucking buck naked in Jabba's Palace. The carbon freezing like burns your clothes off or like your clothes shaped unfreeze. Like, yeah, you can go in with clothes on, but when you get unfrozen, they're just shattering right off you. Everybody's a critic. Why don't you try to freeze somebody? Listen, I'm sick and tired of hearing about complaints about wet underwear. It's none of my fucking business.

You know, Harvey's going to free a fucking human being. But I just freeze him with a fucking bathing suit on it. Because, no, Han has wet underwear this entire first act. Yeah, dude, there's some fucking dick cheese going on down there. Absolutely. Everyone in Java's palace is wet underwear. Yeah, that's actually true. There's probably a lot of humidity in that room.

Oh, you know this whole castle smells. Top to bottom. He puts Han in the room with chewy. We get a reunion. Oh, it's so great, pal. I'm all right. And that stuff's awesome, too. Yeah, because he's chewy, he's talking, and he's just understanding it,

and he's just reacting to it. And it's just like, a Jedi Knight, I'm out of it for a little while, and everyone gets delusions of grandeur. Another good one. It's like, no, man, that promotion fucking happened, dude. Like, how long have I been out? Has it been 20 years? Haven't been out 20 years?

Do we know what the actual timetable is here? I do. I do not. I'm sure someone hasn't measured. Yeah, like, I don't think they say it in the movie. No, they certainly don't. It's a full shadow of the empire. that's the unit of time

because you don't know it could be it could easily be two days or a year like you know what I mean like there's no real like well how long did it take Luke to get that new fucking outfit tailor and build a new lightsaber I think it's been a few months yeah at least probably like three because also

Lando is working undercover this whole time and like he keeps showing the camera that hey it's me Billy Billy D. Williams and I love the shots of him with his helmet on dude he looks like the ninja turtles when they go back to Japan with this fucking helmet on. All you can see is like his tiny eyes through the hole.

Which is I guess like landa's a little bit of a known quantity, Jabba would be like, oh, is that the Lando Carrizian? Oh, absolutely, dude. Oh, do you make fly with same Ghana. You can smell that motherfucker. I feel like Jabba has the smells down even. Well, see, that's, that was Lando Calarizian's big mistake cabin, was he tried to go undercover as this samurai ninja turtle.

But unfortunately, he was still bathing in the colloquy. that he's always wearing, so he was spotted instantly. Aqua Jedi Velva. I'm one of the rare people that actually likes solo, but I feel like... Me and you both, but I like solo. I don't know what you. Good. Good. Well, I'm... Medium. You're not alone on the

island. The comments below this episode are abhorrently anti-solo. I'll tell you that. But I feel like it kind of cheapens it a little that Woody Harrelson has that same outfit and then he wore it on the Kessel Run and it's just in the Millennium Falcon ever since. It's like, I want to

I want to picture, like, Landau figuring out, how am I going to fit in? You know, I don't know. Well, it's kind of like Don Johnson, you know, just hiding that clan robe in Watchmen, you know? It's just like, you're just leaving clothes behind, man. I mean, he puts it in a safe. Yeah, that's true.

So now they're all captured. Leah is now in her slave Leah garb. Oh, yeah. Which I read conflicting reports, one of which on the IMDB trivia said that she wanted to be a little more sexual in this movie because she wasn't sexual at all in the other ones

but I've also, I kind of remember her later in life maybe thinking that that was like really shitty that you had to wear that outfit. I never, I don't know where that we landed on that. I feel like a lot of this Star Wars trivia is just like murky like what? Oh yeah. Well, it's the IMDB.

Hey, Laiaque, that's what you're wearing today. Oh, great. You're sure this is the last of these, right? No more ideas floating around in that gobbler of yours. I tried to get Marcia to wear it, and she just gave me the cold shoulder. So now it's you. It's you, Leia.

You get to wear it, Carrie. By the way, if you talk to her, have her, give me a call. Yeah. Christmas is coming. It's a hard time of year for me. We're getting divorced. Yeah, the... This is what happening in my wife.

This is, so after she's... capture whatever this is I think one of the great I didn't look up who shot this movie but one of the greatest shots in this movie here comes Luke Skywalker opens the fucking door himself and I never I mean I haven't watched this one a while so maybe I just forgot I don't want to say I never noticed but he fucking force chokes those two pig guards I never noticed that either until this watch either

that he is forced choking him cold blooded it's awesome well technically they're pig people so they're not people. Like, I think Luke's somebody's sounding a lot like Anakin,

Tuscan haters. I'm saying as Luke is Luke is sounding like that. That's Luke's Trinathan. Well, he's wearing black.

I feel like, you know, if Obi-Wan was around, he'd be like, ooh, a black, you really want to wear

a black tunic. We usually, us light side Jedi's prefer tope and beige. Well, here's a thing. It's actually pretty simplistic

cinema semiotics, light color, good, dark colors, bad. Well, the movie was supposed to be like is he going to turn right but i feel like this is also a testament too there was a twitter thread going around the other year about how obiwan canobi canobie dressed the way he dressed just to fit in on tattooing because fucking uncle

owen's dressed the same way yeah for sure that's just the local garb and for some reason everyone just was like well that's the jedi uniform and now that's what became everything in the prequels but like i think this is quite sharper it's a sharp outfit makes more sense especially if you're living in an urban area like Horska. Definitely more support for your undercarriage. Yeah. Tighter pants, which I appreciate.

He's got a tight pair of black jeans on. That's all right. That's great. Yeah, he, he, Jedi mind tricks Bibfortuna who like basically like, you know,

he tries to the Jabba no bother thing, does not work. And then it's like, you'll take me to Jabba now. And he goes, and it's kind of, I love that Jabba doesn't fall, prey to the Jedi Mind trick.

But I also feel like, I would be trying the Jedi mind trick on everybody and it's got to be awkward but it doesn't work. Right. Well, I was thinking, so is he like, what was that little bug thing? Wado, where he's like my, like biology, like my alien race or whatever.

Like you can't trick any of us or is it like... Only money. Is it like Java specific, do you think? Or is it like all hot... I think it's just Java's just way too smart. I mean, he's built this crime empire, so he's not an idiot. Waddo is way too smart.

that's what was wafting off him I don't see you with a fucking middle-aged woman and a young child as your personal slaves so he might be a little bit smart yeah let's see let's see you get that together

Obi-Wan says it only works on the weak-minded so that's why it works at Stormtrooper is like nobody's business and even Jabba says you weak-minded fool it's like Trumpism I love the line Jabba has too

like I told you not to admit him Exactly. We're not taking any people today. Look, I'm hung over already. That's the other thing, dude. There has to be constant, like, hair of the dog hangover situations in this castle. Oh, for sure. Because, like, you have to wake up the next morning and immediately start drinking because the power of that, like, the combined hangover, like, the residual hangover effect of all these years of partying would, like, make your head pop off. And because you got people to make McDonald's runs, like, nobody's business. Well, Frogwater is. just like Gatorade. I do love it. There's just like legit frogs in there. It's like the lizards. Yeah, it's just a regular day. I love the giant outdoor frog that

just eats something. Yes, that's a great. Yeah, I actually... Establishing show. I love that. Yeah, it's a nice little thing. He's made garbagey computerized, obviously. But it looks great. It was a great little puppet. So he is like, hey, Jabba, you know, I'm I'm a Jedi Knight and I'm benevolently

letting... Like, I don't know, dude, just show up with some cash and be like, let's make a deal. He offers 50,000 Oh, that's right. Yeah, whatever the fuck. Right before this started, Luke Skywalker robbed his space bank. That's where he was wearing all black

to try to frame someone else. Well, no, his last outfit, the powder pack opened on him and he had to get a new end really quickly. Good time with Jedi. Yes. The credits exploded. It was a fucking plant.

So, yeah, Jabba's like, yeah, no dice motherfucker. Drops him and this pig person into the pit. Uh, which is great. This, the pig person is eaten instantly by this monster. Gamerian guard, I believe, or Gammorian guard? Uh-huh. They have a name, Eric. That's what I just said.

Corksock. Corksock, the Gamerian? Yeah, it's not just Gimarian guard. Quarksock is no longer canon, Chris. You fool. Yeah, I went back in Redcon, Quartzock to Jeff. He's just his job. That's it. Fuck him. Apparently, Lucas wanted the rancor to be, a guy in a suit like Godzilla and like they tried it a bunch of times

it just didn't work. Oh really? Yeah. I saw some footage of them trying and it was pretty funny. Did it have the same design or? Pretty much. Yeah. I think they were going to try to get rid of some of the dude because I think he just had like now I've got big like Rancor hand on my hand but you can still see my fucking elbows. Oh Jesus.

I think I watched this like documentary. It's called the half-assonate elements of Star Wars. It was like an 80s, like, made for TV thing about, like, the saga. And it had a lot of that shit of, like, the creature design and them, like, trying stuff. Later on, when we get to the Forest Moon of Endor, when they had the speeder chase, they were, like, mapping it out with action figures. Kind of funny, too, because the Stormtrooper action figure was Bobafat. So it was Bobafet.

Oh, that's what I was going to have seen this before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And where did you, is it on YouTube or something? I watched it. I wish I remembered the guy's name because a fan sent me a copy. of the original trilogy let's just say they're legal and he included a bunch of

random special features including like all the old like Kenner toy ads which are awesome we gotta get a PO box so people can mail us that's what I want that's gonna come in the next year Andrew from the internet ticker Alan Hume shot this

and he did like some of the worst fucking Bond movies really for your eyes only octopusy and a view to a kill also previous episode Supergirl and two good movies Runaway Train and Life Force

I guess he just got on the Canon Train Wow weird You never got up that Canon train No dude speaking of cocaine Runaway train All speaking of the behind the scenes stuff Lucas wanted or approach David Lynch obviously

Oh sure Oh man Didn't happen It would have been interesting Would have been probably better Than his Dune adaptation I need to rewatch that Dune is great

I'm on the record I love that movie Dune is one of my two I think I mentioned this recently. I don't know why on the air, but my two Lynch movies I haven't seen, that and straight story. I saw Dune a long, long time ago in a galaxy far back.

That's where your fucking brain was, dude, when you were watching it. Exactly. I think it was a little ahead of its time. It has some of the most amazing visuals. Like, that really makes me think he would have knocked this out of the park. They didn't use any of the Hodorowski concept art though, right? I don't believe so. Yeah, I remember watching that

documentary, which is a thing that's just a DVD extra. Thanks, but no thanks, George. Just thanks, but no thanks. Well, apparently a lot of people turned him down too because it was like, it's not DGA, like the Directors Guild had nothing to do with this. That's why they got this Welsh guy to direct this. Mark on who did Jagged Edge after this. And then he died in 1987.

But I mean, yeah, I feel like... He plays an ATST Walker guy. Oh, he's one of a pilot. Similarly, I would have liked to see Spielberg do this as well. I think a spiel it might have been to spielbergian, but it'd be interesting. I'm thinking we might get a shot at that soon because I read that like they're going to announce a new Star Wars director after this next movie comes out in episode nine. Yeah, yeah. And they're keeping it under wraps.

I would not be surprised if Spielberg comes in. Well, that's the wrong Howard came in. I don't want ready player one Spielberg. I want fucking, you know, I want E.T. motherfucking. And you're not going to get it, though. I don't want that to happen. No, no, yeah. You know what I mean?

I don't want it to be announced that he's going to do. that movie because it's not going to be good. It's not going to be good. No, it's easy. That other trilogy was cancelled. What other trilogy? The Game of Thrones. Oh, yes. Yeah, those dudes are done. I mean, they're just throwing shit at the walls. Ryan Johnson's still involved. Which is good because he's a good filmmaker. I said it.

Yes, he is a good filmmaker. And we'll just move on with this episode. If you comment below, I won't read it. And, separately, blow it out your ass. Hey, George, yeah, that's a good idea. Well, we got... Andrew is dying from laughter. He was drinking beer

and he almost... You guys ever get Shiner Bach just right up your nose. Ooh, the Shiner strikes Bach. That reminds me, George, blow it out your ass. Maybe we'll get coffee sometime, but that's about it.

What do you mean I cannot smoke on the set? That I think is why the major turned down. Final straw if I can't fucking like... up in here. I want Werner Herzog to direct the Star Wars movie. That I would like that I would like to see. Yeah. Yeah. Oh actually Werner Herzog doing a Star Wars thing

but it's like a fake Herzog documentary and he's just his guy from Mando like going to this space volcano is going to blow up but the citizens of this planet refuse to leave. I'm here to find out why. It's just overhead shots of

it's like lessons of darkness. Overhead shots of all these planets in constant war. I love it. That would be amazing. Oh, man. He has sealed a toll of the Star Wars. So Luke drops the door on this thing's head. Well, he does the chicken bone trick, which you always love as a little kid.

Yeah. Dude, that fucking happened to my dog one time. She was eating sticks. And it got stuck. And she just looked at me like, what are we going to do? And then, yeah, he throws a skull at the door, kills it. And my favorite character comes out. which is a guy I could very much imagine myself being

this fat guy that loves the rancor for them. Fat shirtless guy, this guy has got his shirt off. There are nipples in Star Wars. And he is just weeping about this. It's him and a pig guard, right? They're both a little upset about it. Sure. Yeah.

This guy, though, runs in there, though, to be like... He raised it. Yeah, no, exactly. Like, oh, fuck, if he's got any last words, I got to hear it now. I feel like the rancor was a fucking doctor and his home planet. You know what I mean? With, like, a little briefcase?

Oh, I guess a huge briefcase. Yeah, a coffin-sized briefcase. He went to Tatooeed to start anew. You had a big job opportunities and great. Now I'm fucking eating people. I have to go to the medical convention on Tatooine. I shouldn't be back. I should be back pretty soon.

Give a kiss to Daddy. He puts on his fedora. Well, the problem is you went to a planet where you're fucking five times the size of everybody else. Exactly. he was a short rancor he's like five he's like five four exactly but this guy can't do precise heart surgery on job of the hot oh jesus that's what he is back on my planet we got scalpel's the size of a mountain and we got to use it on each other all the time you charge for health care here that's disgusting do you have no heart uh so yeah this this dude's crying it's fucking great um we get like a like a little courtroom drama here where

Jabba is sentencing them for the death of the rancor. And like C3Pio is like interpreting and it's like we go to the Dune Sea where you'll be cast into the pit of Kharkoon where the Sarlac will digest you

over a thousand years, yada yada. My favorite get the gang back together line is you get Han everybody's back. It's Han Chuie. Leah's there just kind of observing and Han still can't see that well. And he goes

like, hey Luke, how are we doing? It's like, oh, same as always. And he goes, that bad, huh? It's a great, great line. I was just going to say, the threat of where you will be digested over a thousand years, I mean, there's skeletons. You're going to die in like 10 minutes. Total tops. It's such an empty threat.

There was one of the Star Wars EU stories, I think it tells Jabba's Palace, had a guy that was just like living down there. You just hit? Yeah, in the Sarlac. Hey, you know, it's not that bad. I don't know. It's not that bad. I got my own room. I don't have to share a bathroom with anybody.

Yeah. That's Bobafet. I mean, you do. Bobifold was talking to him. I know everybody says it, but you do get used to the smell. Speaking of the sarlick, I just want to mention, like, you know, people are like, oh, you know, the whole Fett surviving the sarlac. How stupid, this, that. People, I think people have as a notion of, like, this is a modern thing because everyone loved how cool the character looked.

But I recently bought a comic book that in a collection of all the old comics from right when the movie came out. And I have one from November 1983. So, Fett dies in Return of the Jedi. May 25th, 1983, the movie comes out. November 22nd of that same year, while the movie is probably still in theaters. He's resurrected in the comic books. Wow. Eric's got a lot of red strings going between thumbtacks on this board here.

The studio is really cramped right now with all this research. I'm just having fun, guys. I'll tell you what, as far as like the special edition shit goes, when you're introduced to all the exteriors of like the ship flying and everything, this shit looks fucking bad. Yeah, all of these exteriors look terrible. It's just, it's computer town. The Starlack itself with that beak, like what do we do?

Dude, it looks like something out of Nintendo 64. What was so cool? about this, it's like you're forcing them to walk the plank and they fall into this pit in the sand like you'd fall into the ocean and yes, there's a sea monster or sand monster. I mean, there's teeth, that's all you have. That's all you need.

Teeth and tentacles. Tentacles. You've got the fucking octopus tentacles. What else do you need? You see, the little babies were getting confused as to, it looks like a pit of Kharkoon, but there's a sarlac inside. It just looks like a pit. No, there has to be a little beak. I'm sorry, there has to be a bit, a beak, the burp.

The burp did happened in the original trilogy right after Fet is original trilogy, the original cut of the film. I think it's fun. I think it adds level levity and I think it fits in the comedic sense of the movie. Yeah, no, it's totally. I'm pro-burp.

Artu is waiting tables and packing a lightsaber by the way. You've got to pack this droid down before you let him go in. I know dude, just how about a quick scan, everybody? See what's inside this thing. It could just be a hollowed out garbage can. Exactly. Kenny Baker's in there.

yet again, do you not see all the other droids I have to torture I don't have time for this shit or maybe if they're like checking R2D2's ass for contraband and it's like, wait, did someone shove a metal rod up here already? That was on the docket for torture. All right, you've had the metal rod.

Go ahead. Oh, no, that's my heart. It's a lightsaber heart. Beep boop. I love when C3B jumps into him. Oh, Artu, what do you do? Selling drinks. Yes.

And he like, our two kind of like bleep bloops. And it's like, it's the Star Wars equivalent of the Flintstones. It's a living. Yes. So he fired. Luke's about to be the first one into the pit. Great Mark Hamel stunting around. I love this fucking, this diving board stunt.

He jumps, grabs the lightsaber. And now Luke is just fucking murking dudes up with a lightsaber. I love it. Left end or right. It's awesome. The one thing that I noticed, it kind of sticks out like a sore thumb. and it's a bad move on Lando's part is like when Luke's looking around

and they're all like making eye contact like all right like the plan's about to be executed Lando Calarizian the most obvious nod of all time to this person that's about to be executed and I'm like dude they all just saw that like why did you just fucking salute him or something I love the green lightsaber too by the way

green is a great color for a lightsaber yep it looks amazing and I guess they wanted to go green on this. The trailers apparently had blue in this sequence, but they felt like it got lost in the sky. Yeah. Oh, that totally checks out. And I guess if he built his own thing,

he'd modify and the color could be whatever. And that is kind of more of a direct opposite of red anyway. Yeah. Plus, it's the holiday season. It came out in May, but. So Luke goes on to the sail barge proper. Well, Fet

runs out of the sale barge. Boba Fett. Where? jetpack cool cool shots here man fucking fett rising up and then just using the rope around skywalker and yeah and look looks killing all these dudes in the sail barge uh does he free lea how does lea get free to forget she's strangling java herself oh it's like she kills him first she kind of gets free on her own accord sorry guys and then uh they meet up on the roof deck right and she's like, he's like aimed the cannon at the ship. Yes, I will say this is a brutal death for Jabba the Hut.

Like, you know, all of Star Wars, getting choked to death? I mean, like, we've seen that also, but like with the chain and his fucking tails, like he's coming as he goes a little bit. Dude, he's like the fucking brother-in-law and the godfather. Yeah, exactly. He's getting garreted. Please, I said the safe word. You can lighten up now.

And the great notion. This is amazing and terrible at the same time. Oh, shit. I'm coming as my soul leaves my body. I see the life. I'm in the Robert DuCarradine. Thank you. Now, stuff delicious crumb in me before you go.

Oh, did I say Robert? I meant David DuCarradine. Robert DuCarradine got into a car accident the other year. Oh, that's sad. It's great that. Leia kills him, so it's totally fine as it is, but it would have been read also if right before that

fucking ship blows up, he kind of like comes to conscience like what a do happen and then it just boom. So he's awake while it happens. Also, there's a great thing. Salacious crumb assassination attempt on R2D2 right here.

Yeah. Fucking awesome. Also, apparently... Or R2D2 attempting to assassinate Salacious Crum and he does that. They like throw the puppet like up into the rafters it's fucking well because he's eating c3 p.o's eyes which apparently oh right anthony daniel's a panic attack because i i guess you just imagine being in this fucking weird suit and some guy is just like it with a puppet mask it's just like pulling at your eye yeah i guess that's creepy hours and like georgia's like gotta do it again i read a little

about this and like i feel like this guy doing the puppet stuff was a fucking terror on this sets. What the slacious crumb puppeteer? Yeah, he was a lot of shit. I think he was also Admiral Akbar and he said, Han, uh, almost called Harrison Ford, Hans Solo. Harrison, uh, you meant Indiana Jones. Almost got, Indiana Jones almost got him fired off this movie, according to some interview he gave a few years ago. Whoa. Because during the whole, like, Jabba's, the Jabba revealing like him and Leah and they're going to, you know, that whole part, apparently like, he was like, oh, we saw you kissing. Like, during the. scene and like Harrison Ford like was taken out of the moment and was so pissed off about it

but then in that documentary I was watching that dude I can confirm was a terror on the set he's fucking cracking jokes as these puppets during the whole thing I'm pretty sure I would have to go back to the videotape but I think he comments on Carrie Fisher's breasts in this documentary ad salacious crumb oh dude it's like the video of Alf using the N-word. Wait, what? You never saw that? No. Oh, dude, yeah. It's not good. Yeah. Puppeteers

being wacky with their puppets, dude, and being horrible with their puppets, no. This is why they're really disgusting people, generally, generally. Look, I looked at my contract, my lawyer looked at my contract, nowhere, nowhere in that language. Do they say I can't

jerk off while I'm puppeting? Look, that's how I get a good performance out of my other hand. It's the rush. It's the rush that gets me through it all. You're an actor. You're trying to fucking make it believable that you're interacting with these fucking puppets. And he's wisecracking during takes?

Oh, for sure. No, thank you. So, wait, he said as... Also, Harrison Ford being mad at me is one of my top four biggest fears. That keeps me up in that. But wait, so he was as Salacious Crum said, like, we saw you kissing. Some shit like that. Dude, that dude sucks.

All the fucking funny business with your puppets. But I saw him on that videotape. I'm pretty sure he said, nice T-word. Wow. Are they kept it in the documentary? Torn-Tong. Yeah, exactly. And she's like, awesome.

You know, I'm fucking a lead in this, Mr. Puppeteer, if you don't mind. It's a thousand degrees in here. And this fucking Jim Henson runoff is commenting about this guy, you can't even fucking clean Henson's boots. He probably started cleaning. in his boots. That's how he got his job. This is my favorite Lando moment of all time, which is when he goes over

and Han has to save him. Also, I would still, if I'm Han, I'm like, hey, you fucking froze me goodbye, because I don't know. What? You don't know what's going on. Yeah, that's my favorite part. It's like, you said you were blind. And he's like, yeah, no, no, I got it. I got it. It's so great. I mean, yeah, I guess, you know, his history

with Lando has been back and forth. They kind of love each other anyway. He expects to be. screwed over. That's true. And the fucking and the tentacle goes around his leg. Yeah. Oh, dude yeah. Billy D. Williams has some awesome exclamatory sounds in this movie. Yes, that one. And then of course

the very famous thing at the end of the movie, the y-haw that he gives. Oh, love it. Oh, I was fist pumping with that one, man. So they, I mean Leah blows up the sail barge. Luke swings onto the other thing. And we get a

great Billy D. Williams. Marano. It's just, oh, yeah, yeah, we are. The gang is officially back together. Don't forget to pick up the droids. Oh, yeah, yeah, and don't forget the droids, which is great. Who jump off the sailbodge. It's really lucky that they've got those fucking two little magnet things that they just pick them up out of the sand and drag them up into space.

How convenient. Yeah, was that the Jawa's ship that he stole there? Yeah, really? And now Luke is going back to Degaba and Han and Lair are going back to join the rebellion. and we get a little like a voiceover of like now I owe you one kid which should really know he still owes you one he owed you two last movie

you saved you once that was three cool if you say so pal and he's like yes R2 we're going to Degaban R2 as a robot rolls his eyes I fucking hate that

God this was the place with the lizards and the fucking swamp you know that I roll everywhere right You know how much it hurts to roll over twigs? Still, still on that barge. I hadn't dried out. All my inside still soaking fucking wet. Is this like a one-day Degabah trip or like a three-month thing?

Because you've got to fucking tell me, man. You're not talking to the little piece of shit. Oh, you're talking to the little piece of shit. I fucking hate that guy. So, yeah, he's going to go to Degabap. But then we promise to keep to an old friend. Oh, yeah. And then speaking of old friends, the emperor, we get his arrival on the day.

Death Star, it looks like Triumph of the Will The music to accompany it But which is what it should look like Yes, yeah Yeah, this posse that the emperors got though Is pretty great I love the red dudes Oh, the Imperial Guard, yeah, they're great

These dudes are fucking great And they're weird, like, I don't know what the fuck Was with me, I think I was like partially colorblind as a kid or something Because they were not Characters that registered red with me Until much later in life Rewatching this movie

You know what I mean? Like the color is a little dog Yeah, I mean, it's weird, because, like, and also the ones that are chasing them toward the end of the movie that are in black uniforms, to me, it was like, everybody was a stormtrooper. Yeah. And, like, that's just what it was. And now it's like the red outfits and the black ones. Which is what I love about Last Jedi, again, blow it out your ass, is, because you watch this movie and you're like, oh, those guys look so cool. And they never do anything.

And in that movie, it's, I mean, they're different. I know it's different, but it's very close, obviously. In the prequels, Yoda just takes two of them out without anything. And you never even see them fight. And it's just like annoying. And then in Last Jedi, it's fucking awesome. That fucking fight scene kicks. It makes the movie.

And speaking of Last Jedi, there was a line that Yoda says that like, now, like, now the last of the Jedi you will be. Oh, right. Yeah. So it's like the title of that movie is from this movie guys. And I love, yeah, I do love it. Yoda he's like he's kind of a little late the day to be coming dying I am although this line that he has I think you know like Jack Lemon I think has the all-time best tombstone Jack Lemon in and that's it right I want this on my tombstone man

twilight is upon me and soon night must fall like it's such a great fucking line man also he's getting into his death bet he's got this Star Wars and the belts. Like, does everyone need a fucking belt with a pouch on it at all times? Well, Steve, where else are you keeping your stash, man? You need that pouch handy. Need it to pay boatmen of river sticks I do.

Luke, help me take my belt off. Oh, now, my shoes. Yeah, oh, yeah, no, it's a double knot. Oh, I'm sorry, we're doing the wrong voice. Bon voyage, motherfucker. I'm going to go sleep. For a week. Yes, in our Empire Spanxback episode,

we posit that Al Pacino could have played Yoda. And I got to tell you in this scene, too, Mark Hamill is fucking acting up a storm alongside nothing but this fucking puppet. As always, and it's kind of, there's this great, and I was watching it this time, the line and the moment of, like, is Darth Vader, my father?

And you could fucking feel the assholes titan in the theaters, in 1983 because nobody knew... Told you, did he? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Clench time. Because it's like you've been waiting, like there's a lot of fan theories going around. Maybe it was a lie, maybe blah, blah, it's an emperor's trick.

And versus like, oh, I told you, did he? Oh, soon I will rest. He's like, Yoda! It's great. What I noticed, though, and I think this is the Yoda equivalent of it, so he's like, you know, told you did he? It says, yeah. And Yoda goes, unexpected.

is, which I think is the Yoda equivalent of, oh, bummer. I guess Pinky swear me nothing now. He says unexpected and unfortunate, and Luke's like, unfortunate that I know the truth? No, unfortunate that you didn't complete your training. You completed my class, motherfucker. Background on you, motherfucker. Dude, the teacher on his deathbed.

For incomplete. But I was told it would be. pass fail I attendance mandatory it was I only signed up for this because it was like a gym class

required and you know he tells him like so I am a Jedi and he's like nah well it's like not until you confront Vader and he's like I don't know if I can

kill my father he's like well then the emperor's already won he also does another line that speaks right to what Luke winds up doing with Ray Yoda tells him pass on what you have learned And then, yeah, the most drawn-out Frank Ozzy, Frank Oz delivery of death is another sky walk.

And again, it's like in the theater, you're just like, finish the sentence puppet. What are you saying? This is the problem. He's got like six lines left in his body after 900 years. And he keeps being like, Luke. We know you're talking to Luke, dude. Like, cut that out. Yeah, actually, sadly, Franko was being paid by the second.

And he really, really took us for a ride. I'm going to be honest with you. He's a true professional, man. He knows how to milk that shit hard. Do you know how many houses he has? More than me. He's got a house for every fucking puppet, man. They all just live in their own little puppet house.

And he disappears. And Luke's got to be like, oh, fuck, he's dead. Like, who do I call? Do I call somebody? he said he had a son i don't remember was he in florida god i don't remember but ben canobi shows up because he's the grim reaper that's that's the straw he pulled in the afterlife let me see if a yoda has anything in these pockets oh definitely oh fuck yeah dude i'm going through all that shit oh yeah you get all the oh wait he owns nothing oh he hid this way up there oh yeah

this has to be something good you're just robin yodas has looking for like the old man's treasure and it's just no, still just a bunch of sticks. Oh, it's a picture of him and some lady Yoda. Aw. It looks just like the lady gremlin. I like how concise this is too because then Obi-Wan shows up and he's just like, hey, motherfucker,

you blind ghost. You didn't tell me that he was my father or whatever. Obi-Wan's just like, well, what I told you was true from a certain point of view. A certain point of view. I would throw a rock this ghost. I would be like, you fucking ghost.

I'm so glad you're dead. There I said it. You have all the reason to follow the dark side because these fucking lion ghosts. I mean, you see, R2D2 must be looking at this, him yelling at a swamp. Yeah, that's actually true. This motherfucker has lost it.

He has gone away. You know, Luke, I'm going to fly home. I just don't trust you. I do not. Yeah, sorry, buddy. You can find your own way out of here. Maybe Yoda's got a car in the garage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got the force. I don't know what you call it. That's fine. But yeah, I'm going to be in charge now. I do like that this ghost sits down because Alex Guinness is like, listen, George, I'm a little long in the tooth here. It's more intimate if I'm a ghost sitting down. What about doing the scene, but they have the conversation sitting on a log? Me, George, you know, you don't really need this scene. It's all explanatory. I don't know why you want me to be here. I mean, they could have definitely done it as like a voice in his head when he's flying. There's like two lines in it that maybe make a difference, but like... Yeah, you like it anyway. It's nice because you do kind of want to close that loop,

and this is where he finds out, or he confirms that Leia is his sister. Leah, Leia's Mrs. The shocking confirmation on that, considering she's the only woman in these movies. Well, apparently there is a... The way it was originally sort of written was this Nelleth character that was... Nelleth? Nelleth. Lilith.

Yeah, totally. Oh, Nelif. No, but she was going to be this mystery sister that wasn't going to be in this movie and possibly set up further movies down the line. So it wasn't going to be Laya? It was Nelleth? That's what it was. And then Lucas, like, because he was just literally tired

of this whole thing and like. Yeah, and it would close not only the Skywalker saga by confirming that, but it would also close the whole love triangle loop and get Han and Leah together and that'll be that. So he wanted to close. He just tightened it up. It's like Leia.

It's a good. I think it's good. It's part of his character that he knows what his sister's mouth tastes like. It's part of his character. It builds the character. Luke has like one last look

at Yoda's house and like the little candle goes out. It's very sad. Alternate idea for that scene, he burns the whole thing. Sure. It's like no one can find this.

Like Yoda's notes, you know, his manifesto and whatnot. I guess this is where you, Luke gets whatever book he gets in Last Jedi, probably. The sacred text. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, he finds, he goes through, like, uh, Yoda's closet.

He finds a clan robe. He's like, better just burn this old house down. No, he's got to go find his son. It's like, it turns into a road movie. Left all that behind I did. He's like a fucking cool Yoda guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, don't.

He, yeah, don't. There's a fucking awesome. That's his catchphrase, too. He's like, yeah, don't. So when we cut back to the rebellion right here There's a fucking awesome Not often in Star Wars do you see this handheld camera shot Following these two dudes into like the meeting room

It's fucking great and like they're in a tiny hallway And then just opens up to this huge set They're all like gonna plan the attack and everything like that And this is we meet Mon Mothma Oh yeah One of your classic I've got six lines in Star Wars And I've got a hundred pages of a novel somewhere About me because I'm a really

kind of intriguing. She's an intriguing character. I would like more Monmouth about this movie. What's funny about that is I and you know someone might correct me from wrong but there wasn't much to my knowledge of her backstory being in even in the EU. They kind of kept her as like you know like a figure had

and just had her do these certain lines to move the story alone. Sure. What she does say you know blah blah blah we've got the new death star plans we know what's going on. We know the emperor himself is going to be there so this is an assassination attempt by the way. Oh, absolutely.

Valkyrie shit. But it's like a last second bonus thing to the plan. They're like, well, first we were just going to blow it up. But guess who's coming to dinner? Many Boethans. Yeah, do it, do it. Many Boathens died to bring us this information. Everyone's like, I don't give a fuck about those Bothids.

Yeah, what? Who? Who are you talking about? What are those spider people who cares? You want to talk about spider people, Chris? Oh, dear God. Towards when in the Jedi, And not in, we are talking about

return to the Jedi. I don't need to say that every time, right? Yes. Jabba's palace, there's a Spider-Man walking around in the back. Oh, yeah. With a big jar, like a jar with a head in it. And those apparently like monks that put their heads in jars and they get like spider robot bodies.

That's very weird. I'd be into that. That's a good end for me. That's right, yeah, right? Yeah, that'd be pretty cool. So, Steve, if you had to turn into like one of the various gremlins, you'd be spider gremlin. Yes, for sure. What gremlin would you be? Oh, I'd be the

is the Tony Randall Gremlin? Oh, that's, yeah, you want to be talking and fucking smoking cigars. Drinking cognac. Yeah, I don't I think I would also be like an electric gremlin. I would love to just kill people. I'd be the veggie gremlin just because I'd be like, what the fuck is this

doing here? Much like real life. Who invited him? You could also eat yourself to death. Wait, is there? So is there much story about these Bothans that got these second plans? That's like Rogue One Part 2. Rogue 2, man. Too bad the namesake didn't live to see this plan.

I don't really know about the Bothans. Nobody wrote a like a EU book about it. The thing is my interests aligned to different, like there was so much EU. You were reading about bounty hunters. But I mean like also the emperor is setting this all up anyway. So he must have been like, oh hey, Balthans. Do me a favor. Oh, right.

Yeah, cool. And then it's like, now I'm going to kill you anyway. What are, what are Bothans? Who are they? I just made that up. I think they're just an alien species.

I think they're short. I don't know. You look it up, while you look it up, I'll talk about General Crix May Dean. Please. Oh, dear God.

Oh, well, you love him because he's got a bright yellow beard. I do, which is, by the way, a fake beard. It looks fake in disguise. Or the actor was wearing a fake beard? He had like, was clean,

shaven, but what's hilarious about this is like, oh no, no, no, no, we're going to need to put a fake beard on you because we've already made the action figure and it has a beard. Oh, no, really? That's fucking... Yes. Dude, you can't reverse engineer these characters

due to toy plans. And I was always like this fucking this fucking general dude, man, this guy's awesome. When I get older, I want to like gracefully enter my Cricksman Dean face and then I looked it up and he's my fucking age. oh no

my fucking age now um we've got a look on the bothens and holy mackerel they are like goat people oh sweet let me see this

oh nice it's some like dark crystal shit I would be into watching the boffins get it get it like fuck yeah like being

wow look at that werewolf soldiers that's like uh what's that movie there um oh lord pans labroth No, it's not

13th war. What's the movie with like the fucking like, kangaroo people? Yeah, that's what that kind of looks like. Kangaroo Jack. Kangaroo people. They're like kangaroo warriors or something? No, it's a movie that gets requested every list of request.

Oh, the one with the, yeah, yeah, yeah, the kitchen. Yeah, yeah. I forget the name. The kitchen. It's like a kid works in a kitchen and like he goes into a fantasy land. Yes. And then it's kangaroo warriors.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. forget the name of it looks like. Little monsters. So that's the plan and General Solo has signed up for it. And again, this is another great. I mean, the gang has already been back together, but I love the whole like, well, I'm going to go do this myself. And then like, Chewy is like, well, it was pretty tough, buddy. I didn't want to speak for you. It's pretty great. Yeah. He's like, hey man, like, it's all volunteer. Like, I'm not demanding this wookie goes anywhere with me. The Mighty Chewbuck. Right. Exactly.

By the way, General Cricks-Madeen would later die aboard Darksaber, which was a kind of like a hut-funded plan to resurrect the Death Star, but it was small and unstable. Hey, Eric, guess what? It's a way to use that technology. No, he didn't. That's EU nonsense. Anyway.

No, you're right. You're right. I would prefer a world where Cricks-Madine is hanging out. Here's a question, because I don't know that there's an answer, but maybe these two people are action figures, and I just don't know it. But when the emperor gets to the Death Star, and he has this like something, something with Vader,

and then it's like, fine, I'll go do it. Fucking stupid boss. And, like, he walks away. For whatever reason, they hold on the shot of the emperor. And Ian McDarmine turns around and starts talking to these two dudes. And I was like, who are these confidants? They're raped in velvet. Yeah, like his cousins, I guess.

Yeah, they're like sort of dressed like him, but like the hood is off. This reminded me of, like, in Rogue One, where we have Vader's, like, house servant dude. Right. He's dressed similarly. So I think it's kind of like, this is the dude that puts on, like, the slippers. Oh, fuck. He's like, so these two dudes were, like, the footman. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes, I'm sorry we were so late. We passed a bow jangles. You know, they're not everywhere. You can only get them, and certain planets have them. The chicken is amazing. You have to pull over when you see one. You know what I mean?

But thank you for coming. wonderful to see you. How have you been? We brought you biscuits. But I also like, we should get in the emperor a little bit. I love, I love the performance. The voice is out of this world great. It's great. And he's an alien. I'm sorry. No, he's not. He's got yellow eyes and silver skin, dude. He's a fucking alien. So, I can find one of you a guy looking like that on this aisle of Manhattan. Yeah, that's true. Santa God today. There's at least one. And he also says that the force was turned on him. But Come on, Eric, he's got to be an alien.

No, I've always, I always viewed it as, and you know, it's fine to have your own interpretations. I always viewed him as like an elderly George H.W. Bush or something. Yeah. Like, once an old man gets that old, it starts looking alien. That's what I always thought. And he's poisoned with the force, I guess, as well, it was poisoned with the dark side, I guess. I mean, I guess that's how I always sort of thought of it as a kid. It was like, here's this dude, okay, he's probably like really old.

And he's evil, so he looks fucked up. But I was, I never crossed my mind that he was an alien. Because he's also a human supremacist. That's also true. He's all pro-human. Yeah. Okay. The fucking emperor keeps on pinching Admiral's butts.

And we can't stop it. I mean, he's so old. What are we going to do? I also, that was, I had to remember for a second that H.W. Bush was notorious for butt pinching. Got you again. Zink. Got to you again.

Gonna do it, Barr. gonna do it learn this at the CIA pinch pinch pinch number 600 23 that's remember I remember them all every single one of them but he can't pinch a loaf by himself

oh man he also can't pinch from beyond the grave dude he's a forced ghost now he got burned in a pyre right yeah yeah definitely I watched it on fucking CNN but also the stupidity of the fucking

episode three when he gets like because you had the first two movies he doesn't look like Emperor Palpatine just the regular old Ian McDarmid and that stupid thing that the lightning gives him this fucking Dick Tracy head for fucking the rest of the movie I don't hate that really that's one of those

things where I'm like okay you're like to show what the power does like other than like Luke falls over oh great force lightning makes you fall over and I guess you know when it happens in episode three because he's also like for the rest of that movie he's like fucking kind of wet and shit and like I guess You've got the Bram Stoker's Dracula hair going on up there? Yes, and I think that's just like, hey, man, like this is a fresh wound, baby.

You know, and by the time we get to Jedi, it's like, it's scapped over, that hair inevitably fell off. Yeah, that didn't last long. I think it's a nice parallel to be like he's revealed himself as this evil mastermind, and now he looks disgusting. Sure. I think it works. I mean, I still just, I can't recall, I mean, because those prequels were so long ago now, but like, Did you just rewatch them? No, no, I know.

But I'm saying, like, the first time I saw them, right? And so, like, were those movies really trying to hide that Palpatine was the emperor? I think so a little bit. Because that's a bad fucking job if that was an attempt. I don't even get the point of even trying to hide. Yeah. I mean, I feel like episode one was the most like that because it was just straight up. You knew nothing about it.

But I think, like, once you get to Attack of the Clones, you're like, also it's the same guy it's the same actor I have IMDB you know what I feel like that's one of the problems with the prequels is like the emperor Palpatine should have been more in the background he could have been the Phantom Menace

and then like have Mal be your enforcer like Vader's your enforcer throughout this trilogy you only see the emperor when needed which is really just in this movie he was in Empire Strikes Back for five seconds and then he was in this movie and by the way you never know his fucking name

And that's great. He's just the emperor, yeah. I prefer that. Give me some Palpatine fakes like Kira Knightley and Rose Byrne. Oh, sure. Some other old English actors. Oh, like, deeps, right? Michael is there?

Michael Gambon. Don't shoot me? No, he's the one. But apparently, they weren't sure if they were going to use McDarman's voice or they're just going to dub him like they always did. Yeah. And then he came in with this fucking smoking accent. They're like, that's pretty fucking boss, dude. Wow.

Didn't see that coming, man. Let's just use it. I kind of shit my pants. You're kind of creeping me out, Ian. Dude, I, yeah, a little turtle escape there, dude. What the fuck are you doing over there? Boop. It's pretty cool that, like, when Darth Vader gets his moment of redemption and kills him, it doesn't matter anymore.

From what it sounds like, episode nine's going to do? Well, I've got a fan theory that I'll reveal at the end of this episode. I've got some fan theories, too. I got two. So this is, they're flying towards Endor and they got to like get the security clearance that, you know, so they can like fly down or whatever. Admiral Pee it, man.

We get Admiral Pee it. Love this fucking dude. It's an older code, sir, but, uh... I was just about to clear them. I was a little nostalgic. Remember the older codes? The 349, the ones that ended 349, those are fun. I had the 349 code for so long.

And, you know, they changed it. And all of a sudden I had to get a 9-17. Yes, sir, the old way. better uh but like who and old that takes me back because vaters i guess sensing's a presence with the ship yeah i've been danger of the mission i shouldn't have come yeah um shuttle tiderian tidarian's a great name for a shuttle it is a great name james tyderian kirk the shuttle what's also great about it's like i mean i know v you know vader's got the force so i'm like maybe you could to suss it at, but it's like, he's actually

hearing Hans Solo on this fucking radio but parts for the moon of Endor or whatever. Yeah, oh yeah, we got a bunch of pizzas here. They're getting cold. Hey, that voice sounds familiar. Wasn't that the guy that told us everything was okay two movies ago? How were things up there? Well, no, I mean,

I think the point is Vader knows he wants Luke on the planet. No, he's, they're not fooling anybody. Fair enough. And then, yeah, this is what I love, the whole like... This is the fly casual line. Yes, it's what I... And I love the shot we're like drifting towards the Super Star Destroyer. We see

the Death Star 2 in the background. It is a beautiful shot. And it's another kind of tracking shot too. We're just slowly moving in. It's very like 2001-e almost. But you don't get a lot in these movies like nice flow. Yeah, like calm space for the chair. So they

land on Endor. We're like fighting with stormtroopers immediately, which is fucking great. Are these helmets that again, I got to go back to what I said that fire. These like, I mean, they're awesome. The Scout Troopers? Yes. But, like, is this visor better for motorcycling or what?

I think it keeps the sun out a little bit. I love these. This is by far, by far my favorite Stormtrooper type of uniform are the scout troopers. Yes, they're dope. A little more mobile as well. We have a special edition helmets for the people who signed up first for the empire. They get the special ones. Steve, I want you to, like, go up to a motorcycle cop in New York City and be like,

Do you really need a little bit of a different uniform to ride that bike, man? Do the same thing for the horse cops? Oh, do you need those horse boots, horse cop? What's wrong with regular shoes like the other cops? And then start shoving them a little bit? Yeah, it's a little, like, pulling finger in the chest. Oh, for sure, go far. I do love, yeah, we get the speeder bikes, and this is like, it still looks impressive.

I mean, it's, I mean, it's obviously so much green screen, so much fucking. rear projection. It's awesome. I also like the semiotics of now Luke and Luke and Leia are dressed exactly the same. Yeah. They're twins everybody. Like, you know, we're doing that. Totally. They're also the same height.

I mean, there's awesome shit in this chase. Luke fucking throws that dude against the tree brutally. So many, fuck. Oh, man, I was a fucking, I was a scout trooper on Endor. Luke Skywalker threw me against a tree. Oh, he's going to

rat out the whole rebellion Now I look like this I saw my friends Get eaten my teddy bears Gary Busey could have been In this movie He was working at the time He could have been a rebeller

He could have grown a blonde beard Oh, I'm Cricksmaidine Oh, I'm getting that death star Here's what you do You go right into the court Drive right in Yeah, I do much better than that guy who looks like Thomas Lennon

I love when he fucking nail he like falls off Luke falls off his speeder pulls out the lightsaber nails the one dude's fucking thing this dude goes flying what I love about this whole sequence of like Luke on foot

with this lightsaber and these dudes coming in on these fucking bikes that's your fucking like knight versus dudes on horseback yes it's awesome and it's very samurai too you know what I mean

like it's just that that kind of thing and and Hamill looks great doing it He's just really, I mean, like, I also love that that the empire for some reason didn't believe in camouflage, and the rebels did. Well, I think it's hubris. It's sort of like how the Baron von Richthofen

painted his plain red. You know, it's like come and take it, motherfucker. And they took it. I also love this this camouflage gambit jacket that Hans wearing for most of this movie. Kind of like it. It's a bit of a duster. It's Han Solo and a camo duster.

Speaking of Han Solo, he's got So they have to blow up like this shield generator so the Death Star shield will fall and then the rebellion can fuck it up right. That's the plan. Hans Solo says to like a group of the rebellion people

because they're going to like split off right here. He goes like, he tells them to meet at the shield generator at 0300 and I was like 3 o'clock in the morning. What are we doing here? And then it just made me think like what is the whole like obviously they're not

using a Roman calendar in store so I was like what is the date situation how does time work maybe it's like 3 p.m. and then 3 a.m. would be some crazy other number meet me a gleep glock o'clock you think they got a shower and some coffee in that generator office i've really used some i got to tell you buddy uh laya gets separated and this is when we meet the iwax wicket by warwick davis and you notice by the way the first introduction to iwax man is feet first oh no Nice. Doing it for somebody. Tarantino, Star Wars. Ewk. He walked feet picks.

Let me ask you guys this. Did you like his blinking eyes in your new version? His eyelids just going fucking ape shit. I was okay with it because, you know what? It's an improvement. Those other things are just little light bulbs. I saw comments on the internet

about our Empire Strikes Back episode, which is very good and on Patreon, by the way. But someone pointed out there, like, we were talking about you were talking about like the updated effects in star trek the original series and how no one complains about that versus star wars in the comments said that well in star wars they're actually changing scenes they're changing at lines they're so it it is a little bit it's a little more intrusive yeah it's not it's not just cutaway shots if it was just the eyelids i don't think

anyone would care yeah no i mean like changing lines sure obviously like han not shooting first is really fucking dumb but like still it's not changing the outcome of the end of the story you know what I have this one it changes the outcome so you get Hayden Christensen well I mean yeah but like you know

the rebellion still fucking wins I guess so quick round the horn we're all either born the year this movie came out of the year after the movie came out sure what do we feel about Ewox because I like Ewox I'm a fan of Ewox I'm a fan of this movie this is where this is where this is where

a lot of people get lost because it's too cute by a lot but I like Ewach they are killing people and they are trying to eat the main character so it makes them a little

different I'm pro EWalk as well and I understand why some people wouldn't be pro EWR EWR He's looking directly at me as he says this certain people

with black hearts there's plenty of people besides Chris Cabin that hate EWX and I'm a reformed EWalk Hater. First reformed U-W-O-O-Hator. Totally, dude. I fucking put a thing of barbed wire around my head, and I was about to walk into a church, strapping teddy bears around your chest. No, I mean, I used to think it was dumb. And then I think it was Eric Siska, you know, one day, years ago, this one, I'm long reformed. I think it was probably back when we were doing those fucking terrible U-Walk movies.

Yes. That you said, like, these things are killing and eating human beings. And I was like, oh, wait a second. And that's what I think is deceptively cool about them. It's like, yeah, they're all cute, which they totally fucking are. But also they are bloodthirsty, dangerous little monsters that have no problem to take their life. We also see them shot in the streets, which we don't, the forest streets. But like, Gungans or whatever, you don't get that same type of violence. Some of those things are getting shot in the fucking hair. They're not killing things.

They're not dying. I don't see one weeping over a corpse. I feel like the Ewarks are more humanized than. more or less a lot of these other aliens are that's going away from what my problem with them is it's not that they're cute i kind of like the way they look they look fine i mean my problem is that they're kind of are just violent maniacs like there's no like almost every other species has some kind of like respect like you're taking orders from a fucking crawfish yeah like that's like respect and like i like that about this series that whatever you look like whatever you might you have some

respect. Your species has some respect to. There's no like wise Ewak who like they have to, they often give them like the baby fucking story of what they've done before. And they're all seeing down like well I think part of it that's fascinating though is like you can kind of think that

until the empire arrived and colonized the moon or whatever like they never saw a thing that wasn't an Ewark. Minus those dumb ass fucking movies like don't count that. I'm just talking about the you know the original They're violent insurgents

now against the I'm acting like the empire is in the right and I will defend The empire had a point I will defend that storytelling scene where all the Ewarks are gathered around

listen to C3Pio go through the whole like newch vater I love that you learn that C3PO comes with speakers by the way I love it there is an EWalk hitting a fucking pipe in that fucking thing That is, like, not a tobacco.

That, EWalk's getting fucking hot. You might have a light up here, dude. This store is like, really getting me someplace, and this is only going to help me get there quicker. Oh, shit, dude, Vader. Is he like a bear, you think? Yeah, he's like a big furry black bear, man. Better or worse, if these were wukies,

which they were supposed to be, which I think it had to be a budget thing. Like, a wookie costume costs, like, let's call it a grand. Right. EWK costume costs $500. Like, that's how that works. I would say $2.50. I think it takes four, it takes four EWalk costumes to make one Chewbacca.

That's all of that. George said something about like, because he showed Chewbacca being smart and able to pilot a plane and he wanted a more primitive society. That's why it was changed to EWox. And I will say I kind of prefer EWACs because just because you don't expect them to win. I feel like if there's a thousand Chewbacca's hanging out there, I'm like, the empire better get the fuck out of it. I hope the emperor's like, wait,

that's the Wookie Planet. No, we're going somewhere else. Exactly. Well, I also love like the whole, like the low tech versus high tech. Yeah. You know, and they pull it off with fucking logs. The logs taken out the ATSTs are awesome, dude. Yes, exactly.

Thank you. They are the Viet Cong. Also, North Vietnamese is very cute. I'm saying you give me one scene with the king of the Ewaks, voiced by Gene Hackman. There is a chief of this tribe. But he's as dumb as the rest of omission. I'm not out of it.

Gavin, you just don't understand the language, man. You can't say that they're dumb. They're much violent maniacs. So, George, I'm doing a voice. Could I smoke a cigar? Is this for Lowe's? No. Okay.

You know what? Could you give this Ewox a saxophone? So let's say, like, The little EWalk is ripping up his on at the end of the movie. it's got to be here the empire's still here does this make it better for you yeah I like this

I just need one wise one that I understand like okay they're not just violent maniacs there who's calm and normal well that's you no but they show that to you in the movie Chris because when the one dies and the other one's like come on let's go

and he realizes he's dead there's no violent maniacal anything there he's fucking devastated that his comrade is dead but then a bunch of other ones are just dying en masse I got to say the one thing I always disliked about the Ewaks and I think I've said this on our previous episode

like fucking 12 years old is the flitting tongues they always grossed me out yeah see that's my positive note imagine what they could do I know they could eat the ass out of an ass yeah

I'm a picture of EWog stuck up a fucking donkey's backside dude I'm thinking about there's an alien species named ass and they have asses that you eat so Leah's fast friends with this guy right. Oh, she fucking shoots a stormtrooper off of a thing right here

and you see Wicked and he's just like yup, yum, yum, new chat nagoo. Like, totally like, fuck yeah. Those guys killed my entire family. Oh, what is the thing? Oh, so this is hilarious. Chubaka gets them all caught by the

Ewarks because he's starving. There's like the little trap set and they're like, don't touch that. No, no, Chubaka, no, we're going to have lunch afterwards. Don't touch that. And that's bait. Yeah, that's Bates, as Mad Max. I do love Hans, like, thinking out of your stomach.

It's just like so, it's like a little bit old, because it's kind of interesting, like, this movie, like, everyone's a little bit old. Six, been six years, but now this is like kind of older Harrison Ford. You know what I mean? So it's just, it's, we're getting to Patriots games. We're closer to Patriots games

than we are American graffiti, for sure. If I just threw a rabbit outside the door of the Millennium Falcon, would you just go get that out there in the colder space? Well, see, that's, it's very ironic because Han Solo is yelling at Chewbacca for thinking with his stomach, and Chewbacca is always yelling at Han Solo for thinking with his dick. Yeah, exactly. I'm sorry, I'm not a fucking sexy lady. I was hungry.

I'm a fucking wookie. You know, every day I'm supposed to eat a horse, right? Oh, I'm sorry. If I wanted to fuck the corpse, would that be better? Mash this against my genitals. You know, we'd never eat in these movies? Does anyone notice that? It's only fucking power bars sometimes.

And I am a wookie, and I need meat. three-quarter portion. So they get caught by the Ewarks and, you know, taken into the village. They're going to eat Hon Solo, which I love. Artu's buzzsaw in this scene as well. Oh, right. Yeah, totally. Oh, man, I fucking love it.

And they're like, hey, man, maybe don't do that. And the C3PO has a line where he's like, I'm not programmed to impersonated deity, which is pretty funny. It is funny. I love it. I just love the idea that whoever was programming him was like, you know what? Better make sure he doesn't think he's a God. I love how this all comes together

because obviously Luke has magic powers and then it can make against C3PO's consent can make him look like a god to try to get these these little space apes and I also I do like the storytelling scene because at some point you have to acknowledge not just at some point

but like acknowledges the last of these movies and we're kind of just like it's the only time we're over like hey is it kind of like it's been a fucking it's been a journey you guys yeah it's a it's a you know previously on Star Wars, which is kind of nice. Also, it happens right. I think it's

it's, it's got to be Hans Solo, yelling at one of the Ewarks, but he's not the only one who says it. Just the notion that people in these movies are telling other people to take it easy. Yeah, I love it. I love it. Just hey, take it easy. We're in space, but

take it easy. Luke and Leia have a scene here where he finally reveals that he is her brother and great Carrie Fisher acting of like, I mean, it's a hard thing to sell, which is like, I've known. I've, oh, you know, somehow I've always known. Maybe it's the pipe that I got from that EWAC, but yeah, this is pretty cool, man. Yeah, but you were still kissing it.

I kind of like the design of this whole EWOX city, the tree city. It's so awesome. I would fucking munch some acorns up there, too. Totally. Where did she get this fucking Mamas and the Papa's dress that she's wearing? Did the EWox make it for it? Did she have it? Great question.

She's six-size. It's kind of like a merry dress, huh? all the umpire's clothes are made on the forestman of vendor as you know is very cheap labor that would be interesting if we visited like a textile farm the way that luke the like if we just like saw them making the imperial uniforms the next building over their cast and all because otherwise tiny hats these fucking folded hats if i don't see how these uniforms are made man how are these people on the star destroyers wearing them

It's made my un-mots, of course. Well, I- I need to see where they came from that uniform didn't train properly. Also, like, I'm sorry, but if you're saying this guy's Admiral Piot, I'm going to have to see him from trainee on up. Speaking of admirals, I was reading today

that Admiral Akbar used to be Grand Moff Tarkin's driver. What? Yeah, that's what I read. Moving on up. Is this in, is this in the new Tarkin novel that came out the other year? It was just on the IMDB trivia.

Do you think, like, Tarkin fired him? And he was like, okay. Oh, I get it now. All right. It's on now, you fucking son of a bitch. I haven't said shit this whole time I've been driving you around, but let me tell you, buddy, you fired the wrong fucking squint person now. Oh, okay, yeah. You know what?

I can hear when you fart back there. You think I can. I can't. I can hear it. And you are always farting. And I can read lips, you fucking racist. The divider goes up. Yes, Akbar, I am

playing a number of concerts across the south. Oh my God. This is how you eat a fucking pizza, Tarkin. Look at this. He's death starring a pizza. He gets called.

He gets called his Grand Marf Tarkin naked with another guy in a fucking bathhouse. A space YMCA. All right. Listen, I'm not going to judge you at all.

All right. A crawfish police officer pulls them over. No, it's okay. It's okay. A fucking green book with Admiral Akbar. Squit book, dude. Squid book. Thank you for squid book. God damn.

Yes. Yes. All right. Yes, fine. You can come to my house for Christmas. Some human uses Ashbark. As he throws it in the carpet. But he had a lot to learn, okay?

Yeah, he had a lot to learn. Best picture winner's Squid Book. So, yeah, my father has it. I have it. And my sister has a great delivery here from Mark Hamill also. So Luke surrenders to the empire. He's like, this is how it's got to go, man. Because my dad's coming.

I do kind of love how chill lay is in this scene. She's just like, hey, man, it's okay. Well, they were hotbox in that fucking EWalk tent. They're all stoned. I think she's just like waiting for him. him to come out to her. She's like, it's okay. You can tell me anything. Whatever it is, I'm not going to judge you. It's cool, man. And I'm really high right now because they had all the flaps in that hut closed. But not going to judge you. When he says like, Darth Vader's

my father, she's like, your father. It's like, her face is just goes so gross. She's like, that's disgusting. Your father. Oh, sorry. I mean, your father. I think what she finds out their twins, she's not, she's suddenly not grossed out anymore. it's okay when it's my father when he's someone else's father it's gross yeah

and also there's the lines about her mother which get ruined by the prequel to Rilogy as again which is just like I remember I remember my mother she was always

she was beautiful she was kind but she was always very sad and like she died now I was thinking like is this the adopted mother she's talking about

bail or agonnas there's ways to cram it in it's either the adopted mother or she's forced sensitive and just has memories of her mother no matter what. Right. Which Luke does not contain any memories of his past as a child. Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

Anyway, Star Wars. I mean, at what point does he just go to Obi-Man? Like, all right, Obi-Wan, one more question. One more question. So I get, uh, I have to live at a fucking moisture farm with Mr. asshole and Mrs. Nice Lady and fucking she becomes a princess? Like,

how about I'm a prince too? How about that? You know, Ben, why don't you just put this on a junk drive for me? the whole fucking thing. How about that? And I will go through it at my leisure. Shit.

I need to my ancestry.com because my old fucking lineage is fucked. No, Yoda. I'm not going to tell him that his dad was nothing. His grandfather was nothing. The fucking metaclorians impregnate her?

Oh, yes. Yes. Listen, to be quite honest, I still don't believe it. There I said it. It's never sat quite right with me. The tale is told. That lady was spitting tales.

There is mention in Fandemnon, Minnesota. It's like, I think it's from Quigong Jin is like there was a, there was a Sith so, or a, you know, Jedi or whatever he says, was so strong. And they're like, aren't they sort of hinting that it was Palpatine that did it? Oh, no, I know. I think it was just the force itself in pregnancy. It's an immaculate connection. It's supposed to be like Jesus Christ. Like Darth Vader is Jesus Christ.

But even that was like God, though. God was like, hey, Bing, Bing. Well, yeah, he got in there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my, Jesus, my dad and my grandmother were owned by a flying something. Okay. By a flying mechanic. But, like, the Immaculate Conception angle, like, Vader is exactly what Jesus Christ would be if he fell to the dark side. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, that does. He's more machine now than man that Jesus Christ. He's strangling people with the force, using lightning. You are smotein? The Lord Jesus Christ no longer has lungs but a radiator put inside of his chest. Inform the commander that Lord Christ's shuttle

has arrived. It's just a huge metallic cross lands on the docking bay. Turn people's blood into water and that's really fucking them up for good. Lando's like, when I can't eat meat on Fridays, this deal gets worse all the time. So Luke

the elevator opens and Luke is there to meet Vader and it's like, we caught this guy, you fucking surrendered like an idiot. I do love the jungle aesthetic in this movie. I love the scenes here of this like wading pad. Yes. You know, the little just like patio. Oh, I love it. When Vader's shuttle lands on this platform, you see like the ATAT walking around in the forest and

just the corridors and you get the trees. It's like the Pacific Northwest, dude. I love it. I think the fourth moon of Endor was in Ted Danson's apartment and fucking three men in a bait. This is when he's, he's like, ooh, well, you're grown quite a bit. I like the black outfit, dude.

Looking good in the black outfit. Looking sharp, sunny boy. Oh, you made your own lightsaber, pretty cool. Green. Oh, interesting color. Oh, okay. You're your own man. I get it now. I don't want to be too pushy here. Oh, that outfit, it's dark. I like what you're doing.

Great line. This is a hilarious thing where he's like, Luke is like, all right, man, like, I know there's good inside of you. I can feel the conflicting, you know, emotions going on. Like, you have the power to whatever. And he's like, no, you know, Anakin Skywalker is gone. Like, you truly, I'm, you know, with the emperor or whatever. And he, Luke says that my father is truly dead. And there are two stormtroopers right behind him, like, feet away.

And I feel like those dudes are like, wait, what did that guy just say? The boss is related to him. Oh, shit. Hey, the boss got laid. I told. Sully owes me 20 bucks I'm like he had to have sex Before that accident

I know it I fucking know it Those two dudes drop dead Or like Vader just like stop Hold on a second You didn't hear anything You didn't hear anything Shhh whew

Hush Yeah so then This is where Lando and the rebels are all in position Kind of a fucked up thing right here Is they're getting ready to go to hyperspace To go to Endor And Akbar is like, and this is the cut,

and I don't think this is a special edition fuck around here. Akbar is like, prepare to go to hyperspace on my mark. And then it's cut. Lando Calrizzian fucking punches it. Like he waits for no fucking sweet person, man. Let me tell you. So they get in the, they're in position, whatever. And then this is where one of the Ewarks,

because they're like trying to figure out how they're going to get in. into the thing. And they're like, there's no way we can penetrate this, you know, the shield generator building there or whatever. And then this Ewalk's like, why don't we go around back, everybody? And there's a cool exit in the back, dude. Also, by the way, Leia

and Han have some strife here because she, because the movie won't tell him immediately, like, because he confronts her right after it. She's like, you know, what's going on? Oh, right. And he's like, I can't tell you. I just, I mean, she's also devastated by this news. Yeah. But you can tell him, huh? Yeah.

boyfriend, Luke Skywalker, and she's like, oh, honey. No. No. But yeah, I think it's Hans Solo has the line here. Backdoor, huh? Good idea. Yes. This is when they're, and now, like, Luke, it's brought to the emperor.

The emperor, it's like, you know what, dude? I don't even want my imperial guard here. You know what? You guys, which is something that Snoke was like, no, you guys are always here. Right. Yeah, learn from that last fuck around. What I love about the emperor's throne room is it's in the tower. It's like a little needle sticking out of the death start.

It's a nice looking office. You've got the great window right there. There's too many barrels in the room for my taste. I think he's still moving in. He's got a lot of shirts in there. Previous tenant donkey con. Oh, they were supposed to clean all this out. I can't believe it.

Look at all the fields left behind by the last tenant. And it smells like ape shit in here. What is that? Rand Mof Kong was looking over the construction. It smells like apes and Italians in here. Awesome thing here. They're like, how are we going to get all these stormtroopers away from the door? This Ewark fucking steals the speeder.

Yes. Hey, stormtroopers, they're stealing your motorcycle. Oh, fuck, I've got to kill another little bear today. I killed like 12 yesterday. I keep having to send all these video messages to my daughter, and she's like, Daddy, let me see the bears. And I'm like, uh, maybe tomorrow. Because I keep killing.

And then the Ewox, like, my heinie is clean. This is obviously, this is a podcast about toilet paper bears. Yes. It's a running theme. Yeah, we love the Charmin Bears. Toilet paper bears. I love the... Toilet paper bears?

Well, I do love them, of course. Luke uses his lightsaber to get some stuck bear shit out of the Ewok's ass. Wong. Wow. Now it sounds like burnt hair. I think we've said it before, but I'd be floating turds. What do you mean? With the force, you know?

Might help get them out, but also just like, I don't know, like help compost or something. Never constipated a Jedi is. I mean, maybe he does that on the island, but I don't think he's doing it this early. Oh, you know what? He doesn't care if the porgs are watching him. Steve, imagine when you have your explosive diarrhea. Steve Satex patented explosive diarrhea. You could like use the force to like plug it up, you know what I mean?

I don't want to plug nothing, dude. I wanted to let that shit fly. You can let that damn. Well, when you're, maybe it would help you hold it in until you found an appropriate receptacle. That makes sense. Oh, I was going to say,

yeah, thinking about Jedi's going to the bathroom. So Luke, Yoda dies. He's picking up all the books, and he opens a closet. It's just filled with jars of urine and old newspapers. He's an old man. He'd been living by himself. Future the wave.

Yoda's just got these really long fingernails It's not clean, it's not Get in, I said Hold's a lightsaber out So what I The relationship here With the Emperor and Vader and Luke In this room for a large portion of the end of this movie

Is like a really embarrassing Bring Your Child to Workday situation because like Vader comes in and he's like Oh hello Emperor Here is my son Luke Skywalker And this dude is mouthing off to your boss immediately And Vader like because the emperor is like How about now? Strike me dead

La la la la la la la la la la he's like no I'll never turn You're a fucking scumbach And they just they keep cutting to Vader Looking like shut up Here's the thing emperor Like you've got to lay the ground Do like a six week course to be in the And like don't start with like you gotta kill your father

You gotta kill anybody No no no no no no no Hey, she's pretty hot, huh? Well, yeah, she kind of is. You know what I mean? You do that. Like, hey, you know, a lot of money in the empire. Is there really?

Yeah, we pay pretty well here. Nope. It's better just to do 30 minutes of negging. Yes, it's never going to work. Your tact is totally off. We're going to beat you. No, you're not. Oh, you're rebel friends.

I love it. I love that line. I'm like, oh, the shield generator will be quite operation. No, when you're friends arrived. He is so fucking sassy. I love it. From your pitiful little band. He's so sarcastic and awesome.

The operational, that is where you see like just the, like, the first dribble of pre-com he felt in years. It's like, it would be quite operational. Hello. Didn't know that still worked. Been a long time since I've seen you. The Force has awakened. Oh, my God. We are awful people.

They all show all the, all the, the, the, the, the rebellion joins the A-plot. Welcome back to the movie. Absolutely. Wedgantellies. But, and they know, great Lando realization, he's like, oh, is the shield down? It's like, oh, and his, his co-pilot, Yum, or whatever this dude's name is. Oh, dude, the guy who's high all the time. Neen nub.

Neenub. Yeah, they got the flappy face there. Yeah, he's awesome. He's great. And he's like, oh, we're... He's in the new trilogy, too, I believe. We're being jammed, and he's like, why would they be jamming this if they don't...

Oh, it's a trap. And then the only Lone Star would give me the raspberry. Spaceballs. And then, of course, it's a trap! Oh, sure. Oh, there it is.

The quote on many a t-shirt and me. It's a good one. trying to get like these charges set or whatever for the the shield generation station and Harrison Ford like the thing goes tits up like immediately and this guy runs out and he's like hey what are you doing here and Harrison Ford hocks this bag of explosives of this dude and he falls backwards over that lens. It's a great railing kill. That's Ben Bert the one of the Foley dudes. Do you think he did the Foley work for his own death? Yeah apparently he's replicate he's trying to do a riff on the the Wilhelm screen.

Which he helped make famous That's something The one thing about the shield generator compound Is the mat painting never truly worked for me It always felt like a really small room Like it does not feel like it goes on forever Yeah I liked it anyway There's such this charm

There's an old Hollywood charm to those matte paintings Yeah I miss Matt paintings to be honest It's a huge ambush obviously We get ATSs by the way They're not an empire right Correct me? There's one in the background of Hawth.

You don't really see it very... They're not like a major player in Empire. They're a major player in this. Wait, you're talking about AST. Atsts, yes. The pronunciation of Adat that some people do, I don't see how it carries over for ATSD. Yeah, what did the toy commercials say?

That's a great question. That's the Bible of it all. I don't know if they made the ATSD or I watch some toy commercials in preparation for this. Preparation for this While I was packing a bolt No no no no no No in preparation for this episode

I was watching that And I didn't notice them even selling them Maybe it was too intricate of a design Weird That's surprising you could make a shitty toy I might have just missed one Right Cloud of preparation

Yes, Vets sending the ads Atts Got jabbit ATSTs Fucking finally He's been He's been on this tear about at ads it's really stupid

you never want to say anything because he'll fly right off the handle but jesus christ buddy ad at what the fuck he had this really big one they kept on climbing an at art ridiculous so everyone's captured right here and the funny thing is that guy that goes over the railing is the only

dude that gets murdered at that point which is really funny yeah they get captured the iwok save them now we've got a big old fucking fight the three p o distraction here it's great because he's stands up like Bugs Bunny like Hey! And then hides behind a tree immediately.

He's dressed like a sexy Storm Trooper. The guy that gets it the worst neck to Jabba the Hut is the Storm Trooper that gets the Bola tie around his neck. That's pretty fucking badass.

Oh, hot Jets! Yeah, totally. Is it throwing up blood in that mask? It's the brother-in-law and the godfather. It's so much garreting in this movie. I mean, you have to be embarrassed

if you show up at Star Wars hell and you've been killed by a fucking teddy bear. Yeah, that's pretty bad. That's like, so, uh, so how did you, uh, die? Stormtroopers 6-8-4-7? Oh, I was beaten a death by a tiny creature in his bear hands. Uh, I would, I died in the Battle of Tallouin.

I died fighting against a sarlac. Um, fighting against the sara. This, uh, a bear through, uh, rocks and a string at me. And, uh, that, that was it. That was it for me. No, wookie. Torn apart by wookies, man. Holy shit.

Yeah, it's just lie. It was scary down there. Lim from limb, I will tell you what. You know what? I was alive the whole time. Felt it all fucking sucked. Real gruesome death. And I didn't scream at all because I'm pretty fucking tough.

Oh, see, that's the thing is you die on this Andor battle. You just say the mighty Chewbacca did it. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's it. Keep raising Chewbacca's steak in hell, dude. I don't know anyone calls you on it. Like, hey, no, I also died on Endor. And I saw you get killed by an Iwa.

Well, it was a bunch of fur. It happened so fast. I just assumed it was. I mean, we all had, I mean, they all have helmets on. How would you even know? And then, you know, we got back and it's the throne room and it's like, you want your weapon, don't you? You, why don't you just grab it? And then, like, Luke's got to be like, wait, so am I not allowed to use a lightsaber in the light side? Like, what are we talking here? Ben, Ben, I need some clarification here. And we talked about the junk drive with all the info on it.

the ghost of Ben Kenobi's putting a ghost tea kettle on not heating his call like to voicemail morning's off of Ben there's a great shot of Harrison Ford like he's I don't know if he's like Han is particularly in trouble this moment or whatever but he sees a group of

Ewarks like descend on a stormtrooper or two and fucking mallet to death and they show Harrison Ford and he's like good God Like to fucking look on his face. He's so disgusted by it. I love the ATSD stuff. I love the pile of logs making them trip up and fall.

The model work of the ATS is really cool. One of my favorite things is the two logs. Oh, man, that's awesome. It's like Final Destination. Yeah, a squish. Hans Solo does get some cool kills in here. He shoots some of these dudes in the heart. He shoots like one guy in the head.

Oh, yeah, the headshot. And Leia's shooting people as well. Yeah. And Chubaka commandears. ATSD. Complete with Tarzan Scream, by the way. Right. I think the two guys. The Tarzan scream is a bit much for me. I'll be honest. It's kind of dumb. I was like

well, right. There was a one of the pilots we already mentioned was the director of the film. One of the guys, Chewbacca murders. Yeah. And so what you have there in this, I believe, I believe. The bridge of this ATST is two Ewarks and a Wookie. And

Chewbacca, you see that shot definitely closes up that top hatch. Yes. Fuck, that thing's got a smell. Yeah. Oh my God. Just three. There's ventilation. I hope so, dude. Because otherwise, yikes. Just gross, sweaty, bloody. You got to open those eyes up, right?

Are you saying that their high knees are not clean? They didn't have a chance to clean him. They didn't go to the little indoor lake and wash their ass out. Oh, like the imperial embargo of Charmin toilet paper. Yes. They're not a sponsor. No. We're a Cotonel competition. Oh, then everyone's high knees are dirty

And meanwhile, the rebellion is Kind of holding their own against The weapon is quite operational We do see a super laser blast Some big fucking ship And remember IG 88 is the core Of the death start at this point See our Gleap glossary

On Patreon for IG 88 At the $8 level of Patreon for more on that. That's all I'll say here. I do love, we do get a cool. I like to see the blast. You don't see Akbar be like, oh, fuck. It's a trap.

And like, oh, shit. You know what? We're fucked. We're just well fucked here. Turn it around. This is pretty bad. What's great about the whole move? Bothans.

I told you about the Bothans. I told you about the Bothan. Great details. The emperor leaked that information. So he made it look like Bothens did, and he probably killed them anyway. Yeah, for sure. To make it look good. Dude, this emperor is like Ray Donovan, dude.

Because he's just, like, creating all these little scenarios to fix things. And, like, he's operating behind the scenes. Yeah, I fucking leaked that info. And his dad is also John Voight. That fucking totally checks out. Oh, when the Rebel fleet turns away from the Death Star and, like, Landau's just like, you know, go right for those Star Destroyers. And like, like, well, we won't, we won't last long. against a, we'll last more against them than the Death Star.

Yeah, that Dead Star is, because now there's a couple. That's a Death Star. Absolutely. He does say tie fighters for the first time ever in the series, somebody calls it a tie fighter as well. Oh, Lando says it? Yeah, he's like, oh, those tie fighters. I do love when this fleet unleashes this huge amount of tie fighters.

Yes, it's a beautiful seeing them take up the whole space. It's a lot of, it's a cool space battle, you know, and you got Wedg Antilles doing a lot of stuff. Apparently there was a lot of female soldiers, pilots that were cut from the movie for somewhere's like one or two or three really yeah and I don't know what I think well they wanted people to enjoy the movie they wanted people to enjoy them all those Marcia's I mean women have to go I think everywhere I go I see Marsha there was never an official explanation but he said

or somebody had said that it's possible that they would be afraid they didn't want to watch women get killed in battle but like that's what happens yeah I mean that's that's maybe fair because they were talking about the I read about the whole Ula, the Twilic dancer that gets eaten by the Rancor, and they didn't want to show it because they thought it would be... Turn people off, yeah. Yeah. Can't get a fucking R rating on this thing, man.

We need the kids to come, so they'll buy the toys and make me a billionaire. Well, the dancer, on the toy, it's called a Marcia. And she's the one who, yeah, you can pair her with the... Funny enough, it's also, the Rancor is now also called Marcia and the new special edition. This is a big tattoo on its head that says Martia. No, it's Emperor Ashiv Marsha Palpatine. A.k.a. Darth Marcius.

Yeah, so Chui is riding around this fucking ATS. It's so awesome. I do love seeing the one ATSD shoot the other ATST. It's pretty fucking cool. Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Exactly. You want the interior from that other word. Like, hey, why is Frank turning the?

What the? What the? Hey, hey! And 2 ATST? Oh, at this, at this point, R2 is going to, you know, he's got to fuck a door to open it. Oh, right. It's like the control panel's like all fucked up. It's like, well, you got to get the other one to come hack it. Brings out his fucking hot cock. He just slides it into that door. Again, though, like R2 is off on some ridge somewhere with 3PO and he just wheels away and I'm like,

there's just dirt and fucking sticks everywhere. How is this little thing rolling over there? Well, it does. but then he's pounding that fucking door hitting the back wall of the door and then he gets shot by a stormtrooper and flies back and all of his do-hickies fly out. That's what the one edition I really liked

on the Disney Plus is that when he's pounding the board there is the wheeling it in. Is the speaker start playing Barry White? I thought that was really a nice touch. Hang in love for your love door. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna stop.

and then Han Solo has to try to hotwire the door it doesn't work so good it closes the other door that is a great bit of comedy it's like I got it I got it and it's another huge door closes fucking great I got R2 sloppy seconds oh man is this oil what's on my hands oh actually at this point Lega gets shot in the arm yeah and I didn't notice this because I was watching

I was watching a version of this movie that was remastered by someone that's not Disney an internet cut the what do you call it there he touches her and he's got blood on his hands Han had blood on his yeah oh interesting I didn't even notice yeah interesting

from her wound yes from her wound yeah because she gets shot and he's like she's like it's not bad there's a guy behind them it's a great callback to Empire she opens up her poncho and she's got a gun and he goes I love you and she goes I know yeah it's great it's a great like for those of you

who thought like that line was shitty in the last movie, like she gets her revenge here in a way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also just like finishes the circle. It's nice. It's a great touch. They're mutual ballbusting that would be all of their relationship until he's murdered by their child. Yeah, well,

speaking of which, if I was fucking Kylo, I had to hear that story every fucking week. Oh, yeah, that's true. That would get you the dark side. I would turn to the dark side awfully fucking quick. Well, what I want is the, uh, the, the marriage story of, uh, of, uh,

of Han and Leia, because they do get divorced. Absolutely. Little Kylo is there. There's the great shot of like Han and Leah. They're trying to close that gate and they're looking at each other. Man, that movie's a masterpiece.

Every day I wake up and I wish you were dead. I'm sorry. Someone to smuggle with me. There's, because the whole thing is like she wants to live on Coruscant, but he wants to keep living on the Millennium Falcon.

Right. In Karelia. Yeah, it's tough. He wants to go back and live on Carillion. Yikes, man. Fucking factory planet. He gets spaced Alan Alder's first look. Well, you know, you're just, you're going to do what you can do.

Here's the thing. If you're not careful, she's going to get all your weapons. Come on, kid. You get Alder here. You can't get all the weapons. Hold on. Your co-pilot is a wookie. That's not going to look good in front of the judge.

It's a wookies and kids don't look good together. She's going to be Alderan to the bank. So, wait, your kid grew up in Tatooine. You got married in Tatooine. You started a small business company in Tatooine. Her job's in Tatooine. You're fucked. Anyway.

So the ATSD piloted by Chewbacca, like they first think they're going to be destroyed by this thing. And then it opens up, it's Chewbacca. And instead of Han Solo, be like, oh, this is great. Like, he's just like, Chewie, get down here. She's injured. He's like, chastising him. Oh, yeah, you fucking idiot. And then he's like, oh, wait, I got a better idea.

Yeah. And then they blow the door with the ATST. Well, they use the radio to get the guys to come out. Yes, which is like backup. A great little trap there. I love that. Around here is when Luke has started fighting with Darth Vader. Incredible lightsaber battle here.

It's a really good one. And again, man, I love some of the Andrew Jupin favorite Darth Vader lines are just Jamesville Jones having to, like, react to a physical. whatever and dude when when Vayner gets kicked down the stairs here it is a oof ah I was laughing my ass off I think this might be the best lightsaber

fight really it's incredible I think Empire Superior personally really yeah I mean this one's like really aggressive and we're not throwing fucking air conditioners in people that's true when when I just think it's shot better I will say sure when Luke is just like hammering Vader's what I love and he just

cuts his hand off like an and a hand for an hand. Oh, we should say earlier in the movie, Luke on Java's barge gets shot in his robot hand and he has to put a glove on it. I'm like, dude, just go to... You're at the rebellion anyway.

Somebody look at this. Can I got to do robot hands? Oh, that's gonna... You got a call ahead for that. That's like four to six weeks to fix that, brother. Yeah, we're gonna... It's gonna be, yeah,

I gotta go to different space port to get at. That's gonna be, yeah, it's gonna be expensive. Yeah, I'm gonna be bankrupted by my robot hand. Oh, no, no, it's fake leather. I'm sorry. but now yeah he's got the leather glove

there's some and this is the thing also like emperor play it cool he's like yes kill your father that way you'll be my fucking I would be like no don't that won't get lead you to the dark side don't do that at all

like he is so like obnoxiously transparent about everything you know what dude just fucking shut up and let it play out huh you have to act like fucking Paul Bearer at the ring side Oh, Darth Vader He does

There's a great Luke hides in the throne room For a little bit I guess there's enough space For him to hide Again, dude, all of those barrels And Vader is taunting him a bit here

And he's like Well, if you can't get you You, we'll get your Oh, sister, hello. Wait, I had twins. Nobody told me. No! That was a thing

that I was wondering I mean in the dumb prequel like retcon of everything he does know there's two kids or no

he does not they don't know they know that but then she dies and he assumes that she's dead yeah he might have

assumed that the children died too or yeah know if he knows about the twins oh maybe just one child I think he just thinks

it's one child got it got it which shows you how much of a force he's got yeah exactly well also he's been torturing

Laya in a new hope guys. The dark side is not good for the baby monitor. That doesn't that force power doesn't work. The baby monitor you want the lights. I've been saying that I shouldn't be using the force and no microwaves. When they lure, back on

the moon, when they lure all the dudes out and they get caught over, there is the fantastic shot of Harrison Ford kind of putting his arms up. Yeah. Who? Me? It's so fucking badass. And yes, there wiring that to blow.

Now, the very mention that Leia will turn is what makes Luke go real ape shit. This is when he does start hammer him. And he kicks somebody fucking away. And he lops his hand off. And that is when he's like, oh, wait, robot hand. Oh, robot hand. Oh, I don't want to be a robot.

Another hand decapitation in Star Wars. It happens all the time. Yeah. Yeah. You know, some people have things for feet. With me, man, it's hand stuff. Which is like when people, when they reveal Kyle Lorenz lightsaber and some people were like what what handle guards it's like fuck you need them too

you need those fucking lightsaber handguards shit I'd like to keep both of my hands thank you very much and that's when he's like no I'm not gonna fight my father you know what I mean I am a Jedi like my father before me and that's when

well young Skywalker you will die and fucking forest lightning dude if you're in it's 1983 this old fucker stands up and shoots purple lightning out of his head. He's like, what the fuck? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. By the way, he is like, he doesn't call him Skywalker. He very pointedly says, Jedi. Fine, you just want to be a Jedi, then. Jedi, you want to be Jedi, you shall die as. It's fucking great. It's cool. And yeah, he's just smoking him with this fucking purple force lightning.

But somehow, with all the Force Lightning, Luke Skywalker doesn't turn into a fucking gelatinous, whatever this shit. Great, great point. I don't know. I mean, now he doesn't look like a prune face at the end of it. Short bursts. Oh, yeah, maybe that's right. Well, also, because it's coming off of Mace Winde's lightsaber. Is it not?

Yeah, he's blocking it and charging it back at him. Maybe it's the purple lightsaber's fault. I would be like, Ben, you really could have hit me a heads up about the fucking lightning. Another one you dropped, Ben. Wait, can I do that too or what? Sending it to voicemail again, huh? It was your foolishness to not expect lightning, wasn't it? Well, you didn't ask.

Well, I did. Actually, I never did not tell you about the lightning, so I did tell you about the lightning. From a wizard point of view. Fuck you. This shit's getting old. Darth Vader is having that internal conflict of looking at, looking at Palpatine, looking at his son,

and starting to have this moment of redemption of he's going to pick up the emperor but in your guy's cut he goes no yeah he does say so in our version it's internal yes in your version it's not as bad as the Sith

no it's just kind of like a no but in the original version doesn't in the cats in the cradle in the silver start playing that does start playing okay that's good I like them. I think that's a good choice. I do love also the emperor again, this guy and his fucking hubris because, yeah, he's like, five seconds ago, he goes like, strike your father down and you will be my new apprentice. And then, like, he starts killing him because you won't do that.

And then, like, Vader's like, well, yeah, I'm going to kill you. Because fuck you, dude. Yeah. You just tried to kill me six seconds ago. Did you not think I, you know, didn't hear that? Yeah. I did hear it. Did you not think I'd hear that or what?

that was a tactic to get his price down. I was just joking. It's a negotiation. It's all fluid here. Oh, now he falls down this shaft and explodes. Yeah, what the for does he? We do get some cool Vader skull here as he's electric getting. I like that pretty sweet. Yeah, he throws him down. Yeah, so this is my fan theory.

So you see all this blue light go everywhere. And he's right near the forest moon of Andor. So what if in the next movie, it's like, rise, Kylo Ren, you're my full apprentice. Now, I have to let you know I look a little different. And an EWalk comes out because he's like taking the, he's possessed an EWK. Oh, fuck, dude. Now he's just a ghost that can jump bodies. Now it's like Rise of Skywalker meets Jason goes to hell.

Oh, no, I just want him to meet EWalk the whole time. Oh, no, so he's not transferring bodies like via touch. He's just like a little EWalk with Force Lightning would be kind of cool. That would be amazing. That would be pretty sweet. I would like that. I would like that to happen in the new movies. I've got two theories on the new movies.

While we're talking about it, I'll bring it up here. We should say as we're recording this, the 14th of December. I mean, we're days away from seeing this movie. It hasn't come out yet, so we'll see if I'm right. I'm positive I'm going to be wrong. I'm seeing this Friday, not Tuesday. So if Eric's wrong and you want to tweet at me, do not do that. I'm seeing it on Saturday.

So, shh, don't, don't talk. I might uninstall Twitter from my phone. Like, yeah, everybody's got to shut the fuck up till the new year. Yeah, you know what I mean? Exactly. Also, there's the holidays. There's a lot of stuff going on. A lot of people got a lot of spinning plates.

Exactly. We're living our lives. Not everyone's going to the fucking movies all the time. Anyway, my theory, Snoke as a failed Palpatine clone. Okay. Possible. Ray is a successful one. Ooh. Other theory.

Obviously, Ben and, Ben Solo, and Ray, a brother and sister. because in the old EU there were twins as well. That's possible. Those are my two theories. Those are the two out of that big box you just took out

Rise of Skywalker theories. It's not enough time. Mine is, just in case you're keeping short home, is Emperor Palpatine is an EWAC. So we'll just see who's right. We'll just see who's right. Cabin, you got any fan theories?

My fan theory is that bring back Emperor Palpatine is stupid as fucking shit. Yeah. Kind of. I mean, it's really fucking. In the new canon EU, there are sentinel droids, which is pretty cool, where it's like the last will of the emperor, like, these droids with his faces pre-programmed before he died of what to do to carry out his final orders. So I would be okay if he was just like a transcendence ghost or something, but or a forest ghost maybe.

It's not confirmed by any of these trailers that he's an actual person. No, no. We know that he at least has some lines in the trailer. And I just find that cheap. Like, to me, it's just really, really fucking cheap. They're going to tie it into, like, the whole Darth Plagueis, the wise. He learned how to live forever. Whatever the fuck. Quick question, though. What if, as he fell down that shoot, uh, uh, here comes fucking Jimmy Smith again at his fucking coop car. And he swoops him right in. Oh, yeah, he's like a zombie now. That's being. Excellent timing.

And he was on sunglasses. This is quite. unexpected. Let's ride. Holy shit. Let's say you're seated for Rise of Skywalker and suddenly it's just like, previously on. And then it's like, you see him like catch something and like climb out, like climb under an

antenna and fall into a car. Can I say what my fan thing? Oh yes. Of course. That no matter what is contained in this movie, no matter what is contained, there is going to be a lot of large swath of people on the internet

that hate it. Yes, of course. And here's the thing. We don't know, as of this recording on 14, we don't know what we're doing. An on screen

will probably be a little late because of the holidays. So if you're like waiting for that, it might be early January. It might be an on screen. Could be something else. We don't know yet because we haven't seen the movie.

It could be great. Could be bad. I'm at least seeing it twice. That's for sure. No matter what happens, I'm seeing this movie twice. I just know that by February, I'm going to be quite

tired of hearing about how terrible this movie is. Sure. Yeah. After, yeah, with Mandalorian's been a lot of fun. This is coming out. I've been rewatching everything. I kind of need a Star Wars break coming up. But here's the thing. What if it is terrible? It could be terrible. It could be terrible. We have

something called the worst of 2019 coming up up, dude. Or, you know, you never know where, you never know where this shit's going to land. Is it FYI. Totally true. So that old fucker gets thrown down that pit. He explodes in a bunch of forest lightning or not, I guess. In 1983, he did.

Luke, help me take this mask off. Man, I love this. Why are you doing... But father, you'll die. Why are you doing this in Ozzie Davis remembering Malcolm voice? I remember the emperor. Yeah, totally.

Look, it's... God damn it. He wants to see his son with his own eyes. And now, I'm team eyebrows on this guy. Wait, what's going on? Okay, they unmatched Darth Vader. He's a fucking humpty-dumpty. And he's in the original version, he has eyebrows.

In the version on Disney Plus, they digitally erase his eyebrows. Why? I didn't even notice that. Because they got singed off and Revenge of the SIF. I remember, this was all written out years ago. He knew exactly what was going to happen. So he just forgot about the eyebrows one day. Wait a minute.

So wait, this happened. And I didn't notice it at all. And they couldn't get rid of a fucking Henry Gowler. must have and make it look seamless for fucking five seconds? That is a great call, Chris Kavana. And by the way, well, actually, wait, is this a special edition

thing or is this like the other Blu-ray edits? 2004 change that then went on to the 2011 change. 2000 and late is what it is. Sure. Yeah, yeah. So I don't think it was in this. I think this... But what was the 2004

situation for what? DVDs? Yeah, they just did a big DVD re-release and they changed a bunch of other stuff to make it more. That's where Hayden Christian comes from at the end of the film. Oh, so that okay, yeah, okay. I found this time around watching this and he has the line like, I want to see my son with my own eye. Like, I don't know you guys, something about it really

got me this time. It's like, this is a beautiful moment. It's a nice and sad. And, but this actor didn't know what he was hired for, because all the secrecy was going on. Like, he was hired on the day. He's like, All I know is it's got something to do with science fiction. They gave him the script. And like, by the way, you're fucking Darth Vader. And he's like, excuse me? Did he know what Star Wars was?

I looked it up. He was like an English theater actor. He was friends with Ian McDarmid. He's like, Ian, what are we up to today? Oh, weird. How's he really? Have you read the script? Oh, man.

How fitting, though, right? Yeah, that's pretty fucking. But it was only for this shot, right? Because it was what's his face fucking running around and doing all the lightsaber David Prowse or David Prowse's stunt double So it was just this dude laying down At the little ramp

And the Force Ghosts Oh yes, he's right And fucking poor David Prowse man Because they didn't even tell him There was going to be a faceless joke Because they knew he would get pissed Like oh we're gonna show Darth Vader's face

And he's like right? And they're like no We need a actor for that Sorry Yeah you're the body Just like kind of a tall guy Thanks though We only hired you

get around paying a union fee Lucas is famous for that shit. It's fucking nuts. Actually, Marcia hired him so he had to go. He refilms every single instance of Darth Vader with another actor

despite Marsha. That's the true Star Wars marriage story, dude. George Lucas is Marcia. You want to win an Oscar, make that movie. Yep, totally, dude. Get all the fucking people that made that George Lucas in love thing 20 years ago. Oh, right.

Get them all back. George Lucas in divorce. Your fucking poppets. She, like, throws Alicia's crumb across the room. Actually, that guy's, you just, that was $9,000, Marsha. Sure, we're made of money, though. That's fine. I guess I'll just make another fucking blockbuster.

We are made of money. That's the problem. Then a Randy Newman's song comes up. All the money in the world, dude. George's getting divorced. The amount of money George Lucas has, just like billions. Billions, yeah, he's a billionaire. Like, he has so much money that you gave away $4 billion.

He could fix the Flint water crisis and not even bad an eye. But he won't. No, none of these billionaires. Not to single out George Lucas. No, no, none of them. It's an ungodly amount of money. No need for it. No need for that kind of money.

No, it's not. So he dies and Luke brings his. body onto his own his own little shuttle there as he gets out and then all of a sudden you just hear John at the bar is a friend of mine this dude looks like Billy Joel now he burns

he goes down to Endor he burns his father's body now here's the thing about the burning of the body here okay you put the mask back on is it so everyone else would know who was on fire I think like when I'm watching this now

I'm like shit it would be so funny like a rebel commando comes by. He's like, oh yeah, Darth Vader, right? Fuck you, Darth Vader. Putting the finger at him, maybe taking a piss on his body. And he's like that looks trying to explain. Like, no, no, no, he was fine when he died. I fixed him.

He was back to the good side. Burned that old piece of shit, remember right? Yeah, no, watch. Hey, you filming this? I'm going to take a dump on Darth Vader's corpse. Yo, dude, I just saw Luke Skywalker. Great fucking Rebellion General. Awesome.

He's sick. I got his trading card. He was crying at Darth Vader's funeral. Did you see that? Fucking traitor. Do you fucking see that shit? Fuck that guy. I'm going to take a shit on his grave next.

I was always more of a Han person personally. Oh, totally. Han fucking awesome. What are you playing over there? He's getting some Star Wars music going? My favorite song in all of the world. Which gets cut here. So, oh, by the way, Steve, so what was the situation?

Sorry to backtrack again, but you thought that Darth Vader's, human head vanished? I think I just misremembered that. Yeah, Steve did this weird text about Darth Vader's head vanishing because he, I guess, the good Jedi vanish, the bad Jedi don't. Also,

by the way, I mean, we're at Vader's funeral, but yeah, Lando and the boys fucking destroyed that death star, by the way. Oh, that's right, yes. E-haw, which is great. Flying in there is awesome. And it's one of those things that were like, the little X-wings are in there and it's like, that makes total sense. Like, I get it, the Millennium Falcon iconic ship for the rebellion.

It's fucking big. Even Billy D. Williams is like, a little tight in here. Maybe leave that outside. But it is, it's still a cool moment. The Darth Vader thing with him turning back to the good thing, turning back to the, we're going to get there. When Darth Vader is, like, is redeemed. Right. It's just such like a deathbed repentance.

It's just like, I'm good, right? I said I'm sorry That's right dude This whole time Darth Vader was a Catholic Exactly Show Pes she gets wheeled by You'll see You'll see

But no I mean I think it's also part of it is like Again like the FBI Like he flipped on the biggest one So he's cool now You know what I mean like No matter you can do whatever you want If you provide them with the information To get the bigger fish you're good to go

I mean he just didn't live long enough To see himself eating salacious crumbs and ketchup like a schnook. Yeah, so, and then we get the fucking the great celebration. Okay, now we're finally going to hear this song. There you go, you can do it. Now it won't work.

Fireworks are going off. Oh, man. What the fuck, dude? So in the special edition changes. So is that a Blake Shelton song? Well, Steve attempts to not fuck this up. I'll just say really quickly. So we, Cabin and I watch the Disney Plus 4K.

And this is, of course, the whole thing. where we're seeing the celebration across the galaxy word has spread that the empire has fallen it's all of these fucking cities we saw in the prequels Nabu Tatoo-Tatween Cloud City Where are the Gungons are hanging out?

Nabus Oh they're on Naboo yeah yeah I do And Korskant the city planet Which was invented by the Star Wars EU That then George Lucas then went back and added Say that's a good idea you fucking nerds I'm gonna take that one Hey Timothy's on eat shit

Dude man that that guy deserves a a slice of that $4 billion. Yes, absolutely. A very large slice. Who's this dude? He wrote the Thron trilogy after, it was like the, it's kind of like the books of the Star Wars EU,

which they're really good. And he invented Choracont, and that became a setting for literally everything else made sense. Well, it's vaguely like something I did, so it's mine. It's all mine now. It was based off of Star, yeah. So I was a smoker to joint with George Lucas.

And I told him how to steal from people. I was like, George, did you have the original idea? Well, yeah, but I had the original idea. But there was all these other ideas that came after. If you had the original idea, you had all the ideas. Hey, bud. You planted the seeds. Stanley is a forest ghost.

Steal, George, steal. Should have been at the end of end game, dude. You have any idea how much a lawsuit cost? What is this happening? What are you doing? Steve, I think we're just going to have to cut for time, dude. I don't know what's going on with this phone. Yup, yep, yep.

It's happening. Or is it happening now? It's going to be a Towns Van Zan song. What is happening now is happening now? And you can watch Billy D. Williams start, like, clapping his hands to this song. He's feeling it. Oh, absolutely. Of course, who isn't?

This is better than the weird orchestral thing they replaced it with, in my opinion. It's like vaguely aping the melody of this. Yeah, it's like John Williams on a toilet, phoning it in. It's not quite Paul Simon, but... No, this feels very graceland to me, this song. Oh, maybe those musicians who played on that song weren't paid either. You know who this song was written by? It was written by John Williams

And John Williams' son Who is the lead singer of the band Toto Oh, you fucking kidding me? I am not kidding Like Rainsdown in Africa Toto Yes I love Toto The lead singer of that band is John William's son

Yes I had no idea Excuse me while I go let my head explode outside I have fucking Africa on vinyl Are you playing stained? No I'm not playing stained Steve I am going to take that phone away from you Until the end of class

The man behind Rosanna himself Yes Rosanna is my favorite song of others, I think. That's incredible information. I learned that while I was like oh, this song rules who wrote it. It's like John Williams and his son. I'm like, who's John Williams and son? What the fuck? Wow.

That's, wow, that's really I'm shocked right now. I'm almost rendered speechless. Does that make up for all my phone fuckups? Baby, maybe. No. I don't know. Sorry. Yeah, I mean, so in the in the special edition, the 4K thing that you see, I mean

they are, they appear to be dancing to something, but it is this other fake song. Not just the song, though. And I mean, I understand like the idea of like, oh, this is a big thing the empire is over. You want a bigger catharsis. I don't think you need one though. I kind of like the intimacy of the party. No, exactly.

It's all the people that did it. They're at a party. It's also like the death star and the machinations of man are secondary. You close this gap with your father. Like that was the real moment and the real catharsis. Nothing else really matters. And then

You know, we got all the teddy bears and we got some beer and weed here. Yeah, oh, for sure. Play a song. Dude, the hangovers, the next day on Endor. That's the thing is, I don't think it's a next day thing. I think it's the next week. I think we're just going.

Oh, yeah. We're going for a couple of days. Yeah, totally, dude. Just like partying all night. You get that fucking Ewak wine, dude. That shit will fuck you up. Oh, my God. But you got to watch it though.

You can easily, like, EWalk wine is a thing. You get alcohol poisoning way quicker than just regular for sure, yeah. Earth booze. It's made out of it. fermented stormtroopers. Hey, these Ewarks are all right.

Holy shit. I can see my, I got 40 fingers. Hey, Han, I got 40 fingers. Luke wakes up two nights later. Rolls over. How are you doing? Would you like some coffee? All right. Well, that makes sense.

That, yeah. Also, love the, and this detail is great, but then when you think of how they came to get this detail, it's even better. So the detail that's great is all these Ewarks are dancing around. One of them, the percussionist

is to patrol. Is seen clanking on a bunch of Stormtrooper helmets. Great. But then you think, well, how did we get these? Well, of course, you took it off the dead Stormtrooper. And to get the right melody and whatnot, of course they have to be hollow. But that means, where are all

those other corpse fires? Oh, for sure. They are burning or eating these fucking people. Oh, and you just play that story in your head. You can make it up as you go along. Hey, Luke, at the Ewok Puddit, did you eat Storm Trooper? I got to be honest. I did. I, you know what? I was a little wasted. They handed me a sandwich. I didn't know it was in it. Lando Calrizian's favorite television show is exotic space foods with Andrew Zimmer. And I've always wanted to try Storm Trooper ribs. It was steak freets. I didn't

ask where the steak came from. Didn't ask about the freets either. yeah i mean we are we are burning and eating stormtroopers of course we are and we end the movie with a group photo which is just kind of the best thing in the world i love it it's silly is all fuck but it's kind of great if you watch it billy d williams is still feeling the music i posted on twitter he's like he's clapping he's just having a good old time like they knew these movies at the heart were silly and and fun yes and so you ended silly and fun not with like and then the government collapses and the orchestra

oh crescendo right and that's what I think is very important to remember is the way that they ended on a hilarious like sitcomy group photo kind of the ultimate

message of like hey listen guys please don't take this shit too seriously please we're all just trying to have fun at the movies man don't make this your religion

please don't we're looking we're smiling at the camera because all your friends are here it's all over with that's it's it don't take it seriously until I start the New Testament

in the late 90s. But also, of course, Luke Skywalker leans up against the tree has a look really quickly. And it's Ben Kenobi, Yoda, and depending upon which version you watched, there's either his father

who he just met or some dude who he does not know. Okay. With an in-think haircut. You're like, Canobi and Yoda are forced ghosts at the age they died. Yeah, correct.

And Anakin was in the original version at the age he died, and now he's just younger because, but then people will argue Anakin Skywalker died when he turned to the dark side, but I don't, I don't like it. But also to Sebastian Stan or whatever the fuck is. Shaw.

Sebastian Shaw, he has a full fucking head of hair. He does. Where did that come from? That's true. Oh, I totally forgot about that. Oh, wow. That's coming back to me. And he doesn't have like a powdered face or whatever the fuck. I think that the idea, and that's why with the hair and he's not looking all, you know, white-faced and whatnot, like he's in like some, you know, French play in the 1800s.

Like, I think it's a thing where it's like the notion is, and this is shared amongst other cultures as well. Like when you die, you know, if you're seen on the other side. You're like glorified. Glorified, like how you want to be remembered your best self, that kind of a thing. You don't want to be like a charred little white humped, dumps you on crutches because now you don't have your fucking robot what he deserves I'm sorry but also the weird thing is like he's kind of also like he's a little thick as a dude like so where's Vader dude that's what I mean well yeah I guess so but like you think that's robot pounds yeah

also the robot suit adds about 500 pounds I want to watch Darth Vader eat dinner that's what I need I bet you know what though you say that now as soon as that video starts playing you're really grossed out and you stop it's the two girls one cup of was, hey man, fuck dude, on this hollow, this hollow, the hologram, I got fucking Vader eating security footage of Vader eating, dude, it leaked, you fucking puke. Meanwhile, like, in any other planet, there's stormtroopers just like, hey, did you get a call? I can't get in touch with the emperor right now. I keep calling and it's like going straight to voicemail. Are we out of business? Also, additional question.

Now are, is everyone else just going to want to kill us? Yeah. Do we have to like hide these stormtrooper outfits in a closet somewhere, pretend like we never were associated? On certain planets, yeah. I want to sell this stormtrooper suit. I found it in the desert. Yeah, exactly. Oh, no, I killed the guy.

That's son of a bitch, that stormtrooper. Now let's all go to space, South America. Because, well, I mean, that's what Mando shows us when we go back to tattooing. is all the fucking bloody helmets on the pikes and whatnot, you know, so like, I think some of those dudes got out of there sneakily, other dudes got caught, other dudes stayed loyal and that was a huge mistake. I want to watch Werner Herzog clean out the safe with all that fucking basket steel or whatever the fuck he's getting like, oh, this is bad, but it'll be, I'll just need some money, the emperor's throne room. Totally, dude, take the money and run. That's what I would do.

And that is the end of the Star Wars original trilogy, man. That's what that shit is. So we have covered them all now. We have. Crazy. It is crazy. It holds up. Yeah, it certainly holds up.

I think we've got to find the next go round of we love movies. You've got to figure out another ending question here. Because if it makes the cut, it's got to hold up. It holds up more or less. But I think maybe this year we might play with movies that some of us love and others don't. That's true. Yeah, I guess that's true. So, Steve.

But I do love this movie. This was the one that I watched the most. I was, and it's really kid-friendly and not in a bad way. So I do think it's light on its feet a lot of the time. There is some heavy shit there, but, you know, but like, overall, I just, I love this movie. It's, it is my, it's my third favorite of the original trilogy, but it's like right there, right there. It's pretty good. I think it's a bit long-winded.

It is a little long, I think you could cut this episode or the movie. Either one. The answer is both. Go with your gut. And eight minutes of it is me trying to place something on my phone. Sorry, guys. Sorry. At least it's not a pay episode.

It was really weird when Darth Vader started to try to play something on his phone. I mean, like, yeah, the going back and forth. I feel the emperor negging Luke stuff gets a little tired after a while because it's the same conversation. Yes. And I agree. Some of the stuff on the moon, I think, like, especially with like, oh, we beat them. No, we didn't.

Oh, wait, now we're in. No, we're not. that stuff I'm like you could cut a little bit there and I think this would feel a little bit like the other two for me but yeah I don't have much against it other than that stuff I think it's great I really enjoy it every time I watch it it really sucks me and it might suck me in more than the other Star Wars movies which I you know 77 an empire which I think are technically better movies but this thing is watchable as fuck it is for sure so check it out so here's this is going be some shocking news and these these lists and whatnot you know it's always fluid sure yeah after

this go round of watching them all in the lead up to rise of skywalker of course right now december the 14th 2019 somehow it worked its way in the magic of this movie it's my favorite one right now i do it it's it and it's it's become it and it's it's understandable but it is no it's To what Eric said, like, it's watchable as hell, but also it's a thing where, like, these characters now are finally all at their fullest potential in a way. I mean, so, like, the lightsaber battles are better because Luke is a better Jedi, right?

And, like, Solo and Billy D. And all that stuff, like, they're strategically in the Rebel Alliance. They're big players, so they have more to do. It's more, it felt, like, better planned out to me, all that stuff. Like, there was just something about this watcharound. And I started watching it last night It was like super late And I was falling asleep and whatever

But I was watching it then And I was like What is what's happening right now? What is coming over me? I was like I'm really liking this more than Every other time I've watched And the Java sequence is such a quintessential episode Of these movies

That's the thing When it goes down When the ship goes down or whatever Last night I paused it to go to the bathroom And it was pretty much The exact episode of a length of Mando Yeah yeah And I was like

oh yeah that's really interesting yeah just like the timing of it it's like 45 minutes of awesome and that that whole sequence and it's just like the hawth sequence like when you break down these movies into little episodes of like potential like fake star wars tv shows that you make of yourself like this one has it's so playable in that way and i love all the shit on endor and i don't know like for me right now that's the it's it's probably now like a sliding scale so three two one in in one in like a watchability way in like an importance way like for me 77 is the best right

but as far as like just sitting down like a warm bath with Star Wars this one this one nailed it for me this time it's super watchable it's super watchable I love it and I think the people who think like they're cuddly teddy bears or whatever like they are eating human flesh Chris Cabin that's not the problem I'm saying that's not the problem

what was the problem again they have their hindis aren't clean yes that was exactly Chris Cabbin, notorious Hater of Dinkledger's. I could smell the shit through the screen. Is that what you said? Oh, Chris, Chris, Spell of Vision.

That is Return of the Jedi from 1983, directed by Richard Markwand. And me, hey, fuck that guy. You know what? I just want to step in here for a second.

That fucking Welsh son of a bit. He was apparently way more involved in this movie. I was getting a divorce. Well, he fired him. What was his name, Gary Kurtz? Yes. the producer. Colonel Kurtz got

fired, yeah, because ESB went over budget and they had to reshoots and stuff, so now he was more hands-on this. Oh. Kershner fucked it up for everybody. I had this plan, man. I was going to lay back. Old Kersh came in. Oh, la-di-da. He makes the masterpiece, so he gets to do it. Oh, fuck man. For more Star Wars-related content and otherwise, of course, visit our Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies.

We've got a lot of good stuff this month. We've got a gloucgris on Uncle Owen and in Peru. At the $8 level, we've got ourselves an episode on First Contract. If you're a Star Trek head, you've also got to root off the red-nosed rainiers. The holidays are coming up a little bit. That's the animation damnation at the $3 level. And that is like a major episode. That's like a 53-minute guy.

Question. Just thinking about Star Wars and Christmas. We did a conversation about Life Day, the holiday special? We did a thousand years ago. I think that's in the archive. Is it in the archive? Yeah, that's at the $5 level on the archive. But I'm going to revisit the holiday special any day now

and I'm excited as fuck. I've actually never seen it. You got to. That wasn't on that episode and I never watched. Oh, wow. That's how old that is. You're still just doing three-person episodes? That's crazy, dude.

Wow. Well, I'll say this much. We Love Movies Month continues on this main feed next week. Christmas Eve, baby. Christmas Eve. What are we talking about, Steve? We're talking about Gremlins. Oh, that's right.

There we go. Like, I'll tell you, we recorded all of these December episodes, like, so out of order. Yeah. Gremlins feels like we recorded it at fucking Halloween. Like, I've got no idea what's going on. But that's right. We're talking about Christmas classic Joe Dante's Gremlins next week. A lot of fun that conversation was, if I remember back to Halloween correctly.

So until next week, where the gramlins are coming down the chimney or Phoebe Cade's dead dad, I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Zeda. Chris Capp. Eric Cisca. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.