We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 462 - Hellboy (2019)

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

On the first episode of 2020, the gang is chatting about one of the worst films of last year, Hellboy! Who asked for this? No, seriously—who? Why did they cram four movies into this one film? What's with the Lobster Johnson cameo? And come ON with the King Arthur crap! PLUS: Did Hellboy's HQ move to Colorado because they legalized it? Hellboy stars David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane, Sophie Okonedo, Thomas Haden Church, Sasha Lane, Daniel Dae Kim, and Kristina Klebe as Leni Riefenstahl for some reason; directed by Neil Marshall. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast Hey, gang, podcast. Check on the catam Polly, la la la la la la la la la. Hey gang, big news in the world of we hate movies' live appearances in this one. Well, you better get your holiday coat on because it's not happening until December. We're so excited. It's actually a hometown show for this jersey boy.

Only you. Jersey City's beautiful White Eagle Hall will be hosting the We Hate Movies podcast, and we're going to be talking about a Christmas movie. Eric Siska. What is that movie? Oh, my God. It is the Santa Claus, the original film. I don't know. Is it original? Yeah, it's original. The first one. Tim Allen, yes. Binds a fat so false office roof. Yep. We're going to be talking all about it on December 7th, which is a day that will live in infamy at the White Eagle Hall. I mean, it incidentally lives in infamy. We're just into the side of it. We're adding to the infamy.

Yeah, exactly. It's more infamy because this will be our debut in Jersey City. And this is what it's come down to, folks. Steve Sadek, refusing to get on planes, refusing to get a driver's license to help out with rent a cars. I refuse to get on a train for this show. I'm fucking walking. I got to walk to the venues. I guess this is the new normal gang, only wherever Steve's legs can carry it.

But it's an awesome venue, and it's really close to the train. If you're like, you're in the city or if you want to drive in from Pennsylvania, wherever. Right. The path train's not too far. Path train's not too far. A stone's throw away. A stones throw, folks. Come on out to the White Eagle Hall. That's right. Tickets are on sale now. So get them in advance. Get them fast. This is going to be a popular show.

December 7th White Eagle Hall, Jersey City, New Jersey. Tickets available right now at WHMpodcast.com. It's Christmas time again. It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year. This week on the program, hey, why the fuck not? It's Hellboy 2019. I'm Andrew Jupin. I'm disinterested David Harbor, Stephen Zadak.

Chris Cabin. I'm Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the first episode of what's going to be a great year, 2020. Yes. We said that once and it never happened. I will keep cursing us. This is Hellboy from 2019 directed by Neil Marshall and of course this kicks off

our worst of the previous year month all this month we will be talking about fucking dog shit that came out last year except for one thing for We Love movies on the Patreon we want to recommend that up front

or announce that up front? We'll say it right now yeah we're going to be doing once upon a time in Hollywood on Patreon our first Tarantino joint and we will be talking about his foot fetish

because it's kind of hard not to do it. And that's going to be at the $5 level on our Patreon on patreon.com slash we hate movies. And by the way, I'm going to go off script a little bit. Oh, whoa, whoa, hold on. You might have noticed these lists floating around this past month of the best podcast. You'll notice some absences there.

And I just want to say, just follow us on Twitter, you know? Because I feel like that visibility matters at WHM podcast. Sure, what they're hanging. And you know what? Follow our individual accounts as well. There are linked on that main. Twitter account. It's important, Chris. You're looking at me like that, but it's important. I'm looking at you normally. Well, I don't like that.

Slight disdain. I just, just the slightest bit of disdain. But that's like pretty normal. I just want my soapbox back. It's 2020, Chris. We got to get out the vote. And by that I mean about lifting up this podcast. So, speaking of things that didn't really make a splash culturally. Who asked for this? Can I ask that question? Well, Hellboy, the first two movies everyone enjoyed. Yes.

More or less, I don't know if they entirely hold up now. I feel like the creature effects in the first one, while the design is good, the CGI might not hold up. No, it's all good. I think both of them, I rewatched both. Oh, you did. Yeah. For this?

I did not. I did not. The fucking die. The second one is an absolutely great movie with a capital G. I think that's an awesome movie front to back. I have, so here's my thing with Hellboy. Okay. I saw the first one that was like what ought for

Yeah something like that maybe And it was like whatever I thought it was okay Whatever second one I was brutally hung over And it was the second half of a sneaking into the theater Double Feature and I was For whatever reason Greatly paranoid that we were going to get kicked out

And that's the only time I've seen that movie So I really got to go back and check them out I did it the second one's a great movie The first one's fun. It's a lot of fun. There's elves. Elves. Dark elves.

Like Thor 2? Yeah, they both work for Santa, right? Yeah. Germo Del Toro, both of them? Direct to both of them? Yes, you do. And I mean, like, so in that, and this was going to be Hellboy 3, but, like, apparently Diltoro wanted as much control as he had in the past two.

Mike McNeulah and the rest of the studio, Michael McNeillow is the guy who created Hellboy, the comic artist, wanted a little more control. There's some beef there. And they're like, well, fuck it. We'll do it without you. And now we got this. The whole like, oh, you piece of shit, great director, trying to come in and make a movie based on me.

Especially Guillermo fucking del Toro, dude. It was my top pick to make We Hate Movies the movie. Oh, of course. Oh, the character designs. I'm drawing all of the V-Hate movies. Boy, oh, they're so, oh, man, we're going to need a lot of prosthetics. This one is so gross. He has to live in tank.

Doug Jones cannot work on this movie. It's just physically impossible. It cannot be four pigs. It has to only be one or two pigs. A hog maybe. Some breaking news tonight. I'm sorry to inform you all that beloved actor, Doug Jones passed away trying to gain weight for a role.

To play all four members of the movies. And then Sally Hawkins, she fingered herself in the bathtub. Think about the we hate movies. Yeah, but where them eggs, dude? Where damn eggs? that's a great question. You know, this movie could have used some eggs. And this movie could use some anything. I will say up front, I've seen this movie twice now. Twice. Well, I watched it once, you know, months ago. And, you know, for the show and whatnot. I think David

Harbor is a good choice. If you have to recast Ron Perlman, I think he's doing his fucking damnedest in this movie. However, everything else surrounding this movie is fucking terrible. He, I agree. I like David Harbour in general. I'm excited to see him do that Black Widow movie. I kind of want to see him do more stuff. I'd like, I'd love to see him do a not superhero movie if that's even, if that's legal these days. So much there, Stephen. He was in Suicide Squad. Yes. As a like a CIA guy or something. Yeah. Oh, I fucking forgot about that. Is he going to be in this James Goon picture? Oh, I have no idea. Oh, I thought. Oh, sorry, the suicide squad. Thank you. What the fuck? Like, what the flying

Well, I know Pete Davidson's going to be in it, so I'm excited. That's great. That's great. Because you know what brings me out to the fucking theater Pete Davidson? You know what? I heard that he's going to have everyone in the audience sign an NDA for a million dollars. He's going to make fun of them.

What is happening? Oh, you didn't hear about this? No. You didn't hear about this? Folks, folks. Folks. Fox. You hear about this? Okay, so Pete Davidson is doing stand-up shows. He's requiring everyone not only to surrender their cell phone, by the way, apologies to the people who went to our show at the Hollywood Improv. We didn't know that was happening. But he's requiring people to surrender their cell phones and sign an NDA that

you will have to pay a million dollars if you violate it and talk about his set. Hey man, no problem for me. Now I'm just thinking of an insider with like some guy from Nebraska, like an insider type story. Yeah. About breaking the NDA for Pete Davidson concert. Oh no. My sick bit about fucking Kate Beckins. Licked on the internet. I wish, like... What is she blind? Al Pacino's screaming in the newsroom.

Is it news? No, it is not. I will report on Pete Davidson's Giz joke, you know why? Because I make fucking wallets. That's why. You'll be great if, like, fucking, like, Clint Eastwood started aging backwards

so we can make movies about, like, the dude that was railroaded by the Pete David. it's an NDA process. Wait, what? Wait, what? There's an There's an NDA in the improv or laugh

factory or chuckle hot or whatever the fuck. Definitely a chuckle hot. David Harbour. He is not in the next suicide squad movie. But I do like him. I think he's got, the problem with him I think in this movie is he's got, and it's a choice.

I just think it's kind of grading to watch for two hours. It's a petulance and an annoyance with the events going on where I'm like you know what hellboy if you don't want to be here neither do I it's a it's a weed-in-ne like self-referential thing and like modern time like the Uber line the Uber line's tough is I mean hey listen there's not a there's not a fucking writing credit attributed to David Oliver okay marfucker was hired to say that yes abhorrent Uber joke oh no I'm saying the script is the major problem of course I think

On top of everything else. It's dog shit. It is fucking hellboy shit. So, yeah, the second one ends with, you find out that What's Her Face is pregnant. So it's like, it's even done a cliffhanger. For Hellboy heads like myself, I've always been like,

What's her face? Salma Blair. Yeah. Whatever her character's name is, Pyro Lady. Anna, I think. No, no, no. That's a new one's character.

But she's pregnant and it's like, oh man, what's going to happen? And I've got the story for everyone. And everyone was like, no fucking way, Guillermo. Here's this, like, very just bland grayish remake where we start he's going to Mexico is what's going on

well this is like to me this feels most like the start of like a men in black movie almost like it's a cold open that doesn't really have a ton to do with the movie itself I'm sorry I forgot about Ian McShane's welcome to fucking hellboy and we're in the fucking middle the dark ages 517 AD

better known as the dark ages here's a quick for fucking good reason I'm Ian McShane You fucking cuck sucker. Yeah. That's his catchphrase. That sure is. Now, here's the thing.

And this is a pro tip to all the aspiring writers out there. And maybe some of you motherfuckers that have writing deals already and have shit produced. If you're doing something that doesn't explicitly involve King Arthur and the fucking knights of the roundtable, leave it out of your movie. Dude, this is dog shit. What a dog shit. We need a prophecy so that the main character is. the main character. Dude, we are saying

Excalibur no less than 10 times in this movie. I say purge all King Arthur period. Yeah, I'm done with it. No focus on him whatsoever. It's always poison. You should dismember King Arthur and scatter him across the land. Never to be found again. Man,

it is just, you're watching, and I'm looking at you, Transformers, you motherfucker. Like, I'm just watching this movie. I'm like, the fuck did they just say? I forgot about that. Then I just hear, Merlin uttered in this hell movie and the guy Richie fucking King Arthur

also known as the movie that evaporated I will you cannot convince me that movie actually came out that movie was an ice cube on a hot sidewalk man holy shit now I want to see it I never watched it but don't you dare I was just don't you do it to upset you to fulfill the prophecy

I think it disappeared when they no snapped his fingers it's like oh wait that movie never came out uh yeah it's King Arthur Times Emila Jovovich is this evil witch of some name away nameway sure the evil Vivian yeah

Vivian get in here she's the queen of blood by the way because everyone gives a fuck her witch sisters like turn her in they fucking turn state's evidence on her denied in that whole Ian McShane thing it was like oh monsters used to rule over

England and then king up but it's like what else's new just like fucking transformers used to yes yes and they're still monsters ruling over England today. Nothing changes, guys. No, one just looks like an uglier version of you. I ordered. Wow. I said uglier. I ordered... I could run England. Mark. No, I mean, I will say Boris Johnson looks a lot closer to the fucking pig character.

Oh, yes, he does. That Stephen Graham is playing that era. I agree. Wow, it's very kind of you. Then you're welcome. I said, more like it. All right. I said a guy that looks like you. He said also... He also looks like a pig.

Damn it. I was trying to be nice. See what happens when you try to smooth things over? Remember at the top of the show I said to check out our Twitter pages? You can see how ugly I am there. Anyway, no, I mean, this is ridiculous. It's... Merlin, come on, folks.

Well, it's the cursing to... And that's the thing. This is an R-rated movie, and they will swear up and down. it's because of the violence. No, it's because the fucking swearing in this movie, which I just... No, but I was flabbergasted by all the fucks floating around in this film. There's a bunch of violence towards the end.

I feel like they could have spread it out better because they do really gory violence at the end, but not... There are some cool shots here, Chris Cabin, of the shooting the plague out of her fingers and shit, like making people eat bees or whatever the fucks. They reminded me of a previous episode, piece of shit, last witch hunter. Very similar, like, dark witch...

horse shit that I don't need. I just don't care. And that's why also, I'm sorry, I know people dig on that game and whatnot. I don't give a fuck about this Netflix Witcher thing that's coming out. I might give it a chance. Really?

Eric and I might give it a chance. Okay, so we're recording this a little in advance so it's already come out. This is before Christmas. Yes. I read the first Witcher novel. Oh, it's a book? I thought it was a video game. It was a book that then that was adapted to a video game

because it's Polish and they're like, No, no, video game? That's not right. I don't know that things aren't actually published in Poland. You just stamp it with your name. Wait, wait, wait. The book was from Poland or Polish people made the video game? The book was from Poland.

And then they made it into that video game series, which took the world by storm. It did. I tried to play it briefly, and I did, I'm not good. What kind of style game is it? You know, kind of like hack them and slash them. But is it like third person, first person, RPG? It's a third person.

It's fighting. Open world, whatever the flesh. It's like a Game of Thrones type vibe. Uh-huh. My wife loves it. Killing and taming beasts and stuff. The book was all right. There's,

you know, whenever a fantasy, I love fantasy, but whenever you start talking about elves a lot, I'm just like, oh, God. Oh, take that elves. Then I struggle through it,

but it did, the book did have good moments. Steer Clear Clear and Neil Gaiman, and that guy loves some dark, elves. I can't even fuck with these elves anymore. You know what, dude, it's really easy to steer clear in Neil Gaiman. Watch me work. Um, so whatever, they fucking cut her up. Um, and that's like the whole basis for the story is like, this evil will someday come back if she's pieced together again. Milo Jovovich, by the way. Let's let's you know this is a fucking

disaster waiting. Little box off his fucking disaster. You know, David Harbour's like, all right, yeah, big fucking franchise. Hellboy, I like the sound of that. Who we got playing the evil witch Annette Benning Renee Russo who we're talking about here David they passed and it's either Milo Jovovich or no one. Oh fuck! Who directed this again?

Neil Marshall of the descent and war dogs. Is that what it's called? No. Dog soldiers. Dog songs. Doomsday which was all right. But like this might have been better by if Paul W.S. Anderson directed it. Oh yeah. At this point

I mean, yeah, probably. Mila's worst? Equal half. Equal. I mean, like, Mila is, she's actually trying a little bit in this movie, I guess.

I don't know. She knows what she's working with. Yeah, sure. I don't think she's bad in everything. No, no. I mean, she carried that fucking Resident Evil franchise. Oh, on her back for like six movies or whatever. That's something I need to dig into this year, right?

I've only ever seen the first one. I've always intended to do like a marathon. And I always hated it, but I was always, like, as a little shithead kid in the 90s, like, that soundtrack's pretty cool, it all. That's not pretty awesome. Oh, that's a new P-O-D track. Eap.

Speaking of which, the music in this movie is fucking dog shit, let me assure you, gentle listener, Fart Rock is alive and well, and it's both the score and soundtrack in this film. So Hellboy goes to Mexico. Oh, right, he's in Tijuana. There's a fun gag where he's talking to his father, played by Ian McShane, where whenever he tries to hang up,

the phone, he breaks it, guys. God damn, that's dumb. And it's just like, an agent has gone rogue while looking for Mexican vampires in Mexico. And he's got, he's got like gone, you know, walked off the reservation and he needs to bring him in,

much like a CIA agent and go missing. Sure. The thing is like, if we just condense this, get rid of fucking prophecies, get rid of apocalypse shit. If it's just Hellboys, Mexican adventure, fighting vampires That's all you need

That's by the way Neil Marshall That's the movie dude I also think when this is coming up The giant thing The Wild Hunt That's the movie too That's that's Neil Marshall's second Hellboy movie

What the fuck are you doing When I have one movie When you can have 13 Well that's the thing Is because those are both Our actual Hellboy comic stories I've never read a Hellboy book

I've always kind of meant to I always thought the art in the Hellboy books was really awesome That's Mike McDonough's bag, man. He's like a comic, like a really striking artist. And that's, which is missing from this, it's more in the Guillermo versions.

It takes a lot more from what he's doing. But, I mean, like, the thing is, like, it's, to mash a bunch of different storylines together is a waste of my time. So you're saying the Mexican rassling? That's one story. These were all comic stories. There's a, there's a graphic novel or a trade paperback called the Wild Hunt.

There's another one called the Blood Witch. Jesus. All this shit's going on. Let me tell you, just by the way, this was written by a fellow named Andrew Cosby. Kind of looks like John Malkovich. Was that a pseudonym for Bill Cosby? You wrote this in prison? All I need is some writing paper.

I'm going to write the new Hellboy. With the Hellboy and the Abe Fisherman and the Whip-Bomb-Bum-Bum-Bum-Boh. Do you want to apologize to the picture? No, I want to write a Hellboy for me. Someday I'll die in this. cell. Also, the only other thing this dude really wrote for

in any kind of large capacity he was also a, well no, I guess just the creator of that show Eureka, which who could possibly Oh, yeah, that's something I don't care about. That's it. Really, that's something you don't care about. He also created a show called

hunted. Okay. That's like another sci-fi original to me. Ought two to a eight. I mean, if this movie was a sci-fi. Oh, yeah, it's a fucking comedy. that can communicate with the dead. Oh, Matthew Fox series. Yep.

If this movie was just sci-fi original, it'd be like, that's pretty good for sci-fi. No, exactly. He goes and there is a Mexican wrestling match. That's where he tracks this guy down to. And the guy happens to be a vampire. So I guess he got turned in his pursuit of vampires. Right.

This is, you know, there could be something to this whole Mexican wrestling thing, but it ends immediately. Yes. Sure. I mean, well, because they got to get out of fucking Tijuana in 10 minutes of the two-hour movies. There's another movie that has to be made, another quarter of a movie that has to be made. So, Hellboy just happens to throw this guy in the right angle that his torso lands directly on, like, the ring side. Yes.

My God, the vampire bat is dead. Oh, my God, Hellboy. He impaled it right on the top turnbuckle. When he shows up, they do say, oh, and it's the world's most famous paranormal investigator. It's like, oh boy. It's the celebrities here. I couldn't remember from the other two movies.

Is he a known thing? He's kind of known. But it's a little bit more. Like they're trying. They're trying their fucking best. It's not working out though. What? To keep him secret.

Oh, I see what they're trying very hard, but it's not going well. By the way, Tom, in the original, you meet, like, old hellboy, like, kick an ass hellboy with Tom Wait's heart attack and vine. Yes. this time it's like come on feel the noise or some fucking like hair metal garbage there's also a spanish language cover of oh that's the one whatever that is yeah tune um yeah i can't think of it but i was like man fuck this song and then it was like in spanish and i was like oh i get it that's cute

thank you they were like best buds and like he kind of has last words and he feels bad and hellboy gets drunk for a couple days that's sort of something right oh it's a spanish language version of rock you like a hurricane. Yes, exactly. Fucking fart. Some agents from the BPRD pick them up, which is the Bureau of Paranormal

something or other. Yeah, pretty much. That of that checks out. And they're like, your father needs you and Ian McShane's like, ha, finally hellboy,

can I lead? Was that good, Neil? Am I done for the day? Now, this was the character. He does not want to be in this movie. Oh, absolutely not.

No. But this was the character that John Hurt played in the first two movies? Or at least the first one. Is he in both of those? He's in both of those movies. It's the same guy,

right? Is he calling him dad in those movies? Yes. He calls him Father, I believe. Father? Yeah. I mean, first of all, Ron Perlman, stupendous actor. Yes. As much as I'm saying, I think Harbour's fine in this, and I think he is well cast in a bad movie. Pearlman, man, you can't

fucking beat it. But I also think that Perlman has something about being a guy in a lot of face makeup that Harvard does not have it. I don't think that's not a knock against Harbour, it's just like, it's fucking hard. But they're also trying to be a little bit more realistic and, like, more detail.

It's obviously cartoonish in the Deltora was because that's what Dioro does. Dude, he's got braided back hair in this movie. Yeah.

I was thinking about that. That back hair was disgusting. I mean, yeah, but you got to do something with it. Someone's going to shade.

You get a lowly BPRD agent to shave Hellboys back. Dude, that's what their internship program is for to the letter. Doesn't he have like a

cap or something? I remember seeing some kind of cap with goggles or something. Oh, and the other ones? Yeah, he does kind of have

cool what's the word I'm looking for like steampunk goggles pilot's glasses like what Tom Hardy and fucking Dunkirk

yes exactly well hell boy could have been Tom Hardy and Dunkirk he could have died and went to hell you know because I mean like the Nazis

you kill that guy right position lower it he was flying for the RAF so he would be in hell you're right Steve well I don't know

what that guy was up to otherwise Bureau For paranormal search and defense. Got it is what it is. And by the way, their headquarters is in Colorado. It's like, well, Hellboy, there's another movie we're going to get to in Southern. You ever hear of the Osiris Club?

Oh, is that that strip club in Jersey? No, the other one. Hellboy. Hellboy, we had to relocate from New York because they legalized it here in Colorado. Yeah, that's true. And, I mean, look what we do. Did I fall asleep? Is Colorado in this movie?

Yes. That's where it's based. That's where their first headquarters You know. It's a blink and you miss it though. We're doing a lot of these fucking huge text on that like it's fucking mind hunter. Yeah. Exactly. We do end up

I remember the like the fish and chip shop being the major place. I guess that's after Colorado. That's the European version. He's just setting up the next music. Hey hellboy you have to go how about this Osiris Club? It's a they're a bureau of fucking they're another paranormal bureau of

whatever. You got to go to the fucking Venture Brothers for a while. See you later. That's how it felt like to be. Well, it's a thing that Sasha Lane's character like jokes about at the end of the movie. She's like another underground

boys club of monster officinados, you know? And these motherfuckers are like from a long line. I mean, these were like Queen Victoria era of fucking dudes that started this Osiris Club. And this like seven minute stretch of this movie, I'm like

I could watch this movie because it's like Hellboy's like, what's these guys deals? And there's a pretty engaging The woman is Sophie Ocanado. Yes, who's good. Lady Hutton. Yes. And she's like, and there's this other white guy, whatever his name is.

Oh, this dude. Alistair or something or other. This dude. This dude, I think his name is Rick Warden or something like that. I'm just, I'm trying to look real quick because he was he's not Andre Brower's husband in Brooklyn 9-9

but I always think of him as that guy. Oh, the guy who plays Kevin? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. This guy Alistair Petrie. Eric, you know who he is? No. He's fucking General Draven in Rogue 1. Wow. Yeah. General Draven

wasn't he like a Mon Colomari? No, no, Draven was the guy that was kind of playing both sides, not put both sides, but like he's like, he tells what should have called Diego Luna he's got to kill there. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Yeah, now that you say that, I do remember the face.

And he's a pretty good actor and he's just like, he's like, well, hellboy, welcome to the Osiris. Oh, this is kind of a movie. And then you think like that's what the movie is. And I'm thinking to myself like, okay, pretty cool. British Underground Secret Society of like Monster Enthusiasts and Hunters. Like pretty sweet. Let's settle in for this movie only for 20 minutes.

And also, like, here's the thing. We've, we just got the two Hellboy movies. We don't need to see Hellboy's origin, but guess what we're going to spend 20 minutes on right now? Yep. It's Hellboy's fucking origin. And the secrets they're in, dude. That's the thing, Steve.

The secrets they're in. Because the Osiris Club tells him about his birth, and then we get the flashback for 20-something minutes. Of just seeing... So many flashbacks. It's like seeing the Wayne family die over and over again. Yeah, dude. It's like fucking Uncle Ben.

It's all of these things. stop thinking that fans of these movies forgot how the fucking dude got there in the first place. Look, yes, it is exactly like the first 10 minutes of the first movie. But how about if Thomas Hayden Church kills a couple Nazis? So we are flashing back. This is like the 40s, I guess, is the idea. It would be fucking something if it was a 70s. No, no, no, no.

But maybe like the late 30s. I don't really know like what the timeline is here. Well, they say that the Nazis were about to lose the war. And this was like a last ditch effort to summon a deemment to help the work. Yeah, Serpico was fighting the Nazis. Do you fucking Serpico be Nazis? I'd watch it. For sure you'd watch that.

Serpico, you sucking off that Nazi in there or what? I was framed. Yeah, but so it's like on a fucking dark night in the, you know, the 1940s, whatever, the Nazis were doing this thing. And the Osiris Club, like, broke in to fuck it up. And then there's also this dude, the lobster. Who's just Tom? What is it? Is it the lobster or is it something else?

It's Lobster Johnson is the character's name. It's my dick's got a pinch her on it. What it? Well, now, this is like a fun name. Is this sort of... This is like a fucking a movie inside of Quentin Tarantino movie. This is like that... Lobster Johnson Nazi Hunter.

Mystery Men trash of being like fucking the blazing carrot or whatever the fun. I started selling a movie. lobster salad and cups in Brooklyn and under the lobster Johnson's name and then times are tough. Why is it that this is played by Thomas Hayden Church? Great question.

I mean, he was available. Three to five people passed. This is like a four minute roll. That's what I'm saying though. Like get fucking Rogue one dude to be Lobster Johnson if you must. Yeah. I'm just saying you get Thomas Hayden Church for a movie man, beef it up a little bit. That's all. I don't want to

do that much though. Still, Casey, where's hellboy? He, yeah, he's a guy. I mean, and this is a Michael McGregnall character. It's a somewhat popular, according to people. He has his own line? Yeah, he's at his own books and stuff like that. That's crazy.

He's going up against these Germans that, like, one dude's got, like, the 3D glasses. Dude, Nazis wearing the fucking anaclyph 3D glasses. Sign me up for that science experiment. There's a character who's clearly playing Lenny Riefenstahl. Dude, she's correct. She's making a 3D movie, dude? I made the first 3D movie. You see this lady Nazi, get behind a camera,

and she's like filming the hell portal opening or whatever. And I out loud to myself last night, it was like, oh, Lenny Riefenstall. And then I went on I&B, and this woman is credited as Lenny Riefenstall. Shut the fuck up. Movie. What are you doing?

Dude, it's so dumb. Like, you can do, fine, do that. Don't credit her as Lenny Riefenstahl. This one's for all the cinefiles out there. Lenny Riefenstall cameo. Can I do a tracking shot through the portal? Out to the other side, the Rasputin. Oh, dude, it's here, too.

Yes, Rasputin was in the first movie. He was. The main villain. Was he really? Yeah, he's the main villain. I got to rewatch. Thomas Krochman plays him, I think. I forget.

Who? Thomas Khruchman is a German actor. He's been in a bunch of stuff. All right. There's also that. God, he's from the first movie. that Nazi in the leather that has the knife arms

Oh, that guy's cool He's in the first one I'm not sure about the second one actually But he he's got it seems like a non-character here So we're just like redoing the first movie in the scene Not even close Steve This dude's name was Marcos Roundthwaite I was way off

He's wearing a Dodgers hat in his IMDB picture But yeah we're doing the first movie like five minutes or less And like it's a thing where Here's a thing Yeah You can do I mean you shouldn't but you can do many versions of Batman because Batman's been around since the fucking 40s

there's been hundreds of thousands of Batman stories told different interpretations of the character throughout the comics. I saw that thing where he went to Japan for no reason. Same thing with Spider-Man, same thing with a lot of these big characters, but Hellboy, it's always been Mike McInola. It's always been like a really specific story. Do you know what you're doing is retelling the same story again?

Do you know when this comic started? I want to say early 90s. Okay. Yeah, that's my guess. So a decent amount of time. Yeah. I mean, you're just rehashing the same shit. Which also, but that begs the question, then why don't you just get somebody like Guillermo del Toro who's a fan of this shit?

Or get, you know, Mike McNola, is that his name? Yeah, yeah. Get this motherfucker himself. Be like, hey, dude, you created this shit. Write a new Hellboy story for this movie. Yes. This movie was going to blow up and then there was going to be an offshoot. There was going to be a Lobster Johnson movie.

I would watch a direct-to-streaming Lobster Johnson movie. Johnson was so by the way pornography is that you're talking about it's it's lobster johnson and a hellboy are in a car and he's like hell boy we've got to go back for the ring we've got to go back if i lose christie i lose everything me and lobster johnson we're college roommates no lobster johnson i'm not drinking any fucking merlo you fucking nazi hunting merlo drinking piece of shit oh hey sasha lane how's the uh how's the specials tonight Oh, no, that pig monster's coming at me with his floppy cock.

Go get him, Lobster Johnson. Paul Giamatti should have played fucking Rasputin. Oh, that would have been great. I know, it would be great for Paul. Paul is an amazing actor. They're just, look, the fans are itching for a sideways reunion. I'm Lobster Johnson. Then he's Rasputin.

You do direct to streaming. Yeah, there's a little bit of hardcore porno in it. It's a colligula. Don't tell Paul about it. He hates porno. Satanists to dominate. Pooh, I had to Paul.

You know, I drank poison. I was shot in the head, throwing in a lake, and I'm still fucking alive. God damn it. Fucking kill me, hellboy. God damn it. So I guess the motivation for Rasputin is he was,

was he a czarist? I'm not too familiar. Then I guess he hates the Soviet Union, so now he's working with the Nazis. I think he was an occultist was the idea. I guess so. He was born to the monster part of him. He's like a wizard.

Yeah. Well, wasn't he fucked over by the Romanov family? That makes sense. Well, he was murdered 17 times. One of those times had to be. That's going to make you a little upset with the Romanov family. No one did it right until Lobster Johnson brands his fucking head. So the devil knows who sent you?

Yeah. Do you think the devil's, like, getting all these corpses? He's like, again, I don't know what this fucking simple is. Can somebody fill me in? What's with all these burnt foreheads? That doesn't look like anything. And then he'd be like, wait, hold on. He's lobster, the devil's like, he's Lobster Johnson, but so he's have a claw?

Is he red? Like, no, no. His dick's fucking weird? No, he's just got a golden thing and he calls himself Lobster Johnson. I don't know, Satan. But does he work at like a red lobster? Is that the idea? Unlimited cheesy tauts.

Oh, man. Those, no, what are they? The Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Yeah, yeah. Never eaten the Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Oh, dude. Man, there's like... I think you go right to hell. There's like... There's a fucking, there's a mark on your colon that the devil checks. There are biscuits and then there are cheddar bay biscuits. There's salt in them there, hills. Oh, yeah. But yeah, he's got this golden thing that brands people in the bullism. I mean, basically Hellboy is born. And this lady, Sophia Okinaido, is like, hey, you, when we were born, you were born, you were born. and we were said to kill you, me and your father, but your father decided otherwise. Right. And then for some reason, everyone stopped aging.

Oh, yeah, what is that? She says something about there was some curse that happened. And her, Ian McShane, the dude from Rogue One and like a couple other fellows, age at a snail's pace, we're told. I guess because of the prophecy to help stop it. Okay, okay, we drank a baby. baby's blood, okay? I would like that better.

Like, if Ian McChain, it's like, I'm going to level with you, son. We were doing the occult shit. And when you do that, you drink a baby's blood. Look, it has to be, you know, from the Mennonite era. You got to have a good cup. Got a good cup to drink the baby from. So, yeah, so that she's like, look, that's what's going on. And, you know, enjoy the wild hunt, hell boy.

And he's like, I guess I will. Right. And it's new information. He was like, oh, no, I can't believe my dad wanted to kill me. And this is when it's just all of his angsty shit, I just have no time for it. Because the problem is David Harbour, God bless him. Too old to be playing a teenager. Yes.

So let's fucking dial that back. Play him like, of course he was going to come and kill me because I'm a fucking devil. Sure. Hellboy, when we are introduced to him in this, he has posters for refused and converge. So he's like a post-punk emo boy. I don't think so. That does not make sense. I mean, you know, refused kind of a great band, but...

I like Converts. Senator, I've never heard of either of those bands. Same, thank you. I guess I'm older than... And Converges, sorry, too, not particularly my style, but I guess to be fair to... I mean, we're talking like early aughts, you know, late 90s. It's okay. And I mean, it's a, I mean, I know some of their fans are having knee troubles, but David

fucking... Barber has had knee troubles for some time now. But the thing is, if you're saying that that's the kind of music that Hellboy listens to, put that in the movie. All of this fart rock guitar, the fucking electric guitar. It's like the fourth or fifth record Jet Maid. Are you going to be my Hellboy? Not that, but there's a good point here to be had that like some of that early aughts and late 90s,

like indian whatever you know here those in movies yeah yeah have hellboy humming i'm not okay i'm not okay i don't know what that is but i agree chemical my chemical romance never listened i'm not okay that's what it is maybe like the good stuff from the early two guys why isn't he asking ian mcshane to like get him tickets to the lifetime reunion Fuck, dude, that would be awesome. Dude, I would go... Listen, here's the thing. Me and Hellboy, they're doing Jersey's

best dancers in its entirety. Me and Hellboy going to see Lifetime. It's amazing. I've never heard of... Steve, look up Lifetime. You might like him. All right, all right. Eric, maybe not. So they're like, hey, Hellboy, we're going to go on this hunt. We've got these amazing lances. They have electricity on them.

Five times the strength of the electric tear. we're told. And Hellboy gets on a horse. He would cripple this horse. He's a big dude. Did you notice that like what they do here? They give the horse, I don't remember what it is, but they give the horse a name that's like bulk buster. Long shanks. Yeah. Oh yeah. They're like, it's long shanks. So you're like, oh, this fucking horse can hold Hellboy. This is our fattest horse. This long shanks, it's foreshadowing the betrayal, right? Because the long shanks was a dickhead in Braveheart, remember? I was just thinking about the fat horse.

I mean, look at the size of the thing. The unit. All right, no, there's a new sideways reunion. It's me and Paul Giamani. It's a movie called Fat Horse. We're drinking wine on top of a fat horse. The movie writes itself. It's all right there.

And also, maybe I'm fucking Sandra Owen this one. Okay, honest question. They make a Sideways 2. Are you in? Yes. I think I am. Here's, here. I rewatch Sideways this year. That movie totally holds up.

Does it? Really? I haven't seen it since the year. Get a bottle of wine and some good cheese. This is what I did on a Sunday afternoon. Done and done. Great time. Triple done.

Oh, fuck. What was I going to ask? Oh, here's the thing about your hypothetical Sideways sequel. Yes. Where are they going for the long weekend? skiing? Maybe you go to Paris or something. Oh, continuing the wine thing, Steve? Yeah. Okay. Well, I was, no, I was just going to mention how like they made all those, the trip movies with Steve Coogan. Sure. You can make

so many sideways. And now that those have officially outstayed their welcome, we can go to sideways versions of it. Exactly. I broke up with Virginia Manson and I'm having another bachelor party. Well, let's go then to wherever the fuck on a fat horse do you know he's the son of the horse they shot an animal house it looks like that fat horse

from that bugs bunny cartoon with the big Viking in it oh wait that was a bull oh stupid me so it's like all right hellboy one giant we would not have a problem with two giants also no problemo three giants big problem we got to bring

in hellboy to help us kill these things there's one funny line here about like they're all suiting up in night in like suits of armor and stuff and Hellboy's like, what is it, Halloween? He does have a couple of good one-liners, I have to say. I mean, David Harbour's charming and funny. So that works out.

Yeah. This dude, oh, no, I was going to say, Hellboy is about to get made. Like, he's like, hey, where are the Giants? Oh, no. Classic mistake, though. Dude, fucking hunt the Giants with Hellboy and then kill him. Yes.

Why are you leaving the Giants around? Because the hubris of the Osiris Club is as such dude you know what I mean I do like the the head dress the the the guy from Rogue One wears a oh yeah yeah pretty cool he's got a good line here where he's like uh tell me I don't have to wear that yet and the guy's like no no no I know your thing in horns or antlers or whatever it's kind of funny one of the other dudes in the Osiris club mentions that these uh giants love eating humans because they're obsessed with eating bone marrow and I was like I feel you giants

I love a good bone marrow appetizer I find it far too expensive and not really worth the trouble as a giant myself they have to be made right is the thing yeah so Hellboy gets attacked by these dudes what the fuck and it's a pretty fun fight scene

he gets stabbed in the heart I'm like well how the fuck do you kill Hellboy they make him really invincible in this movie the spear goes right through his entire body yes through the heart Yes, and he's just like, that's fine. Argue. Well, do you think it's like he's a demon, like half demons?

So you gotta kill him. Then show like fire sealing the hole back up. I'm just saying maybe his heart's someplace else. It's like the equivalent of like he just stabbed through the arm or something. Like his heart's like pumping down on his nethers. Sure. Anywhere. Maybe his leg.

It's in his sack. His sack. Expand on that. Which is made out of gravel. I mean, I think it's, uh, it's pretty much exactly how it's saying. Yeah. So you're saying a scrotum is full of rocks. No, no, it's heart.

His heart is like a scrotum full of rocks. You wore a poet, my friend. Thank you, Eric. We are cutting around to this pig monster. Played by Stephen Graham. Who's this guy? Who's this guy? It's chips Hardy.

What? Stephen Graham is from This is England, also from the Irish. Many wore shorts to that meeting. Oh, that guy? Yes. Nice. He's in Snatch as well. Okay.

He's also at Borderwick Empire a ton. Yeah. As Al Capone. But he's just doing the voice. And I mean, like, he's just doing this like British punk guy. And this is where you get the F-bombs left, right, up and down and center. This little cartoon swearing up a storm. I couldn't even believe it.

What's his name Gargloak? I can't even tell you. Garlic knot. Gabagool. I'm trying to look it up. But yeah. It is actually what I always. think of when we do the chips hearty voice

grugok is this got grugok or something gruaggak g r u a g a g-a-g-a saclavash yeah i was about to say it sounds like something my grandmother used to make me on the holidays eat your grove-lock yeah it does have cabbage like all the

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WHM. This motherfuckerer's running around because his whole thing is like if he finds all the boxes with the parts of the queen of blood, she'll be reassessment Some as of yet unknown to us, old witch sets him on this quest. She's like, well, we both have a score to settle with hell, boy.

This is Baba Yaga? Yes, this is Bobby Yaga. Right, which is a problem to have Ian McShane from John Wick where they call him Baba Yaga and also this and I'm just like, there's too much Baba Yaga. Why are they calling Ian McShane that in those movies? Is he stealing kids? They're calling John Wick that. Because he's a boogeyman.

Because the Russians call him that because he's the boogeyman. now we have the actual boogeyman who's apparently this character's from the comic books I looked it up because we do eventually see her hut which is a chicken chicken legs on a

house and I wonder like is this from actual old folklore because motherfucker this was dead this is from the historical record Teddy Roosevelt had half like that but I feel like Teddy Roosevelt's been on the wild hunt hunting giant Oh, definitely.

But I played a video game in the early 90s called Quest for Glory. Of course you did. By Sierra Online. And it was funny about, funny enough, it was before we were all online, it was called Sierra Online. And they didn't, there wasn't really an online. Anyway. What the hell is the online from the company name then? I don't know, I don't know, but there was a dash in it.

Oh, well, you know what? It was this dude, Frank Sierra, who was just waiting a burger cane. This just turned to a new episode of Holt and Catch Fire. Yes, but in Quest for Glory There was Baba Yaga's hut Which was a hut on chicken legs Oh, interesting I mean, it's exactly the same

So I mention it because this Because the video game came out years before the comic Yes, and I mean I think that that's probably like probably from folklore like you're saying Yeah, yeah, that's probably why they both adapted it She's like And also we're like, I feel like Again, it's been a little while Chris remind me In Hellboy in the Deltoro movie

we're calling him Red a lot We're not saying We say the word Hellboy very few times Because you know what It's kind of silly To say Hellboy a lot

It's stupid It's kind of silly And shitty to say Hellboy that off And why wouldn't he take a name Even if it's not a nickname Like Red Why wouldn't it be

Frank Johnson Yeah Monster Hunter Call me Tommy Tommy dude Tommy the Hellboy But like you're calling me Hellboy

Because like Ian Wushin's like Well Hellboy And then like this goes Hellboy Fuck me over Good one dime. Like everybody knows Hellboy this and Hellboy that and the guys

stop saying Hellboy. Hellboy Hellboy fucked me good one time. Well, shit, no, that's not it wrong. Don't isolate that clip. Anyway, no, no. There was, there's like, that just gives us room for a fucking flashback where we're seeing how this Hellboy

fucked me good one time. This girl Alice became how she got her own powers and also how this like Pigman got fucked over by Hellboy. So we're just doing another origin story in the middle of this fucking movie. Every character, including

even in McShane, has an origin vignette. And I'm like, can I get the fuck out of this movie? And it's like, this movie's only two hours and two minutes. Yeah. But it feels like the Hellboy fucked me good one time. Yes, because it's just, there's so many movies going on. Yeah, it's really tough. And this is Sasha Lane from American Honey.

That, you know, she's fucking great in American Honey. She was also in Hearts Beat Loud last. year, which I think is a great underseen, underrated movie. I haven't seen it. The miseducation of Cameron Post. I think she is also in that. Dwee strikes, Chris. Also, get ready

to fucking jump off a bridge. You guys talking about emo bands over here? But this actress was born in 1995. Oh, that's tough. Oh, but she was great in Sunny Day real estate. Do you know that band? I've heard of that. There you go, Steve. But she saves Hellboy, his Hellboy falls down. Like, he dispels. Basically what happens is these guys attack

he falls in a lake passes out wakes up these giants have killed everybody and now he has a big giant fight the giant fight's just okay it's not bad it's not good either because obviously these giants are super CGI creatures and like the way he dispatches

them is kind of just happenstance he is obviously impervious against them they keep hammering him with shit and he's fine and then he just like grabs a tree and the dude fucking trips and his head gets smashed by the They're all fucking so stupid.

They don't know how to use these things. Chris can say better than I can. I'll say there's my biggest gripe with it. One, I mean, the green screen here does not look great. Not great. But what's worse? And here's the thing, folks, unless you do it really well and to the best of your ability actually make it a legitimate one, these fake one take situations look fucking terrible. And this movie does it multiple times, including in the end scene as well, like the very end scene, this thing where it's supposed to be all one take, but it's so computery that obviously it looks like fucking garbage. Because it's artie. It's artistic, don't you see? It's good. Also, it does not help when you have like, do you want to fuck my face?

Like going while you're fighting these goddamn giants. It's distracting as shit, Chris, you're right. I would, like, I know, I know that Hellboy's a badass. I don't need a fucking rock guitar to tell me that, too. How am I supposed to think that he's in danger from these giants when the badass music is playing? Yeah. And the Giants, I mean, I think some of the creature design in this movie is okay. The giant creature design just, they look like gray, nothing.

I got to say, dude, I'm sorry, every bit of creature design in this movie, aside from Hellboy himself, looks like shit they picked out of Guillermo's fucking trash can. Yeah. It's all just rejected ideas. Oh, hold on, honey. We're supposed to lock at the garbage can at the end of the night. They steal things for their movies. You can have the baby pig. The baby pig monster, you can have him.

I will be in the cold ground before somebody says something bad about your old Garmel del Tori. He's the nicest guy. Absolutely. Dude, I fucking almost cried when his house burned down. His house burned down? Yeah, I think he was a victim of those fucking wildfires that Trump said China started or whatever the fuck. China is starting the fires, folks.

We didn't start the fire. Billy Joel said as much. That piece of shit didn't vote for me, but his song was correct. Mexico is sending us all of their worst and their creepiest directors and the wrestling vampires. They're directing Pelboy.

They're directing Babel. It goes on and on and on, folks. Roma, you better believe a Mexican did that. They're stealing our jobs. Listen, bird man was trash. That's right. I'll say it. Oh, fuck. He might, I might vote

I agree with it. Finally. What was that whole, like, the onion thing? It's like a terrifying thing that the worst person you know had a good point. Yeah, exactly. So he dispatches these things. He sees a car pull up, but this is when he is the killer

line. He's like, I guess my Uber just arrived and he passes out like hey everybody just to make sure you know exactly when this movie was made

also like immediately after there's a Google translate joke once he meets up with Alice she says he says something

like spiritual or monstrous and she's like could you Google translate that for me and I was like no don't it's not even a joke

you're just using Google in front of the word translate how about just translates. Yeah, that's fine. Because you know what? This is the script thinking that it's like smart and poppy. And it's for now. You know, like if I put this shit in the script, it sounds like this is a movie for now. The teens will relate. And we're in now now. There's a couple of self-aware

stuff. And this movie was sort of made on the heels of Deadpool because it's an R-rated fun of the movies. You either got to go all the way or none the way. Because she's like, they're talking about the witch and she's like, well, all right, so we just got to make sure she's not in the sequel then, and I'm like, well, don't say it. Also, that's some presumptuous shit. Yeah, for like 45 minutes into your movie. There's a stinger scene

at the end. There's two. I missed one. I miss the second one. Well, there's one that's like the last shot of the movie. Right, but there's one at the very end of the end of the credits. Yeah, I know. At the very end of the credits. Oh, the- credits are over. Oh, I didn't get there. There are 10 lost scenes

at the end. Which I hate that shit. I'm sorry. And it's like obviously they don't like have the patent on it. But when you're doing that shit it's just like well Marvel did it right? You like the thing? That's why listen it's a bad movie

none of us here liked it. Did a quite popular episode on it years ago right but I appreciate the fact at the end of BVS there's no stinger scene and that dude in the movie theater was like might as well get up fat guys let me fucking sweep up after

there was nothing here and you know what good because you're not fucking marvel and that's the movies over do well no this obviously is super trying to go in that direction you guys are right about those all those other stingers before the actual end credits but after the end credits i'm just going to say it now because it's really inconsequential and i don't know what it is maybe steve does maybe not but baba yaga's back at the very end of the credits and she is talking to an unseen monster and it's just like the guy it's just like this voice It's like, all right, then, I'll help you. I'll help you get Hellboy.

And it's like this big moment that's like, this is like that guy from the comics or whatever. Well, that's the thing is the only like hinting line is the Baba Yaga says to him, uh, if you help me kill Hellboy, I'll finally let you die. Right. So whoever, you know,

and I'm sure it registered with a lot of fans of Hellboy. There's not a lot of fans of Hellboy. Is that right? There's not, there's not some golden army out there of Hellboy. I mean, I feel like there are fans of it, but I mean, clearly, obviously, with the diminishing returns, not enough. You know what I mean? I guess so. It's a fairly obscure character.

You're forgetting our backslash the Golden Army on Reddit. Oh, that's true. You can't look at that, though, because it's like four comments a month about a Hellboy and then the rest is, like, racist stuff. The Golden Army opposed Hellboy, right? Yes, they were against him.

I don't know, man. I'm just making a joke. No, I know. I think it's a sound. I saw that movie one time. It's a fine joke, English. I'm just saying the structure could use the hellboy fucked me good one time. So, yeah, Hellboy passes out in this river. It's kind of hilarious because you see the dude who is leading the hunt, or no, I'm misremembering here. He fights all those giants.

The dude gets decapitated. You see his head fall in the water. Which is actually kind of a fun shot. It's pretty funny. Then Hellboy fights these giants. Then he passes out after making the Uber joke. He wakes up in a bed. This is the introduction to the Alice character.

She's, I guess, found him due to psychic powers. Yes. Okay, her whole backstory is she was stolen as a baby by fairies who replaced her with a changeling. Right. Classic fairy maneuver, dude. Totally. And it's the pig guy in disguise as her and he was going to grow up as her. I guess so, yeah.

That's the idea. And he would have had a great life, a normal life. I would have been a normal fucking person. I could have been a person. Now I'm a fucking pink. No one would have known I look like Babop from the Ninja Tarotles. It was kind of an interesting scene with her parents and Hellboy is like his 90s phase. Yeah, he's got a little bit of a stubble.

Yeah, it's a different thing that he's just got this weird goatee. You know, he doesn't. Yeah, it's kind of funny. He was really into Black Flag. It's not good, but I'd rather have this movie where he's doing paranormal investigations. Yeah. That's what that's his fucking. job man

he puts iron on this fucking baby and it freaks out turns into the pig it runs up the fucking chimney he yells that the fairies should bring back the kid and they do it's kind of interesting though because you think about it like the ABC structure of this movie is something we've seen

in this genre of like high concept horror action so many times in the last 20 years 7th Sun is about a dirty witch you got a kill, Last Witch Hunter, Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters. They keep trying, that fucking

Hansel and Gretel movie or I'm sorry, the Brothers Grimm movie. There's a new one coming out, right? There's like, yeah, it's like Gretel and Hansel or something. Visually it looks kind of cool. There's all these fucking monster witch movies that nobody gives a shit about

and they keep making it and like they keep diverging in different movies that are much better. You know why it's failing. What is that? They're going against the witches. Yeah. Do a pro.

which movie do a pro black magic occult movie there's nothing wrong with the occult that's a pro occult broadcast because it's the same stuff as everything else folks and by the way if you want to use any magic powers to sympathetic podcasters to bolster their influence we are here for it i will say i i stand up and applaud at the end of the witch when she signs this book i'm like finally like yeah i would love it diligently and not fucking churn butter for fucking six hours. That's why it's a great movie. It's not them fucking summoning hellboy to fight shit.

Also, I would appreciate just flying nude in the forest. Sure, that sounds great. I would love to do that. We don't do that enough. Probably like sleeping naked. Wonderful. Now, but the thing is, this movie attempts to bring that issue up a little with the Milojovich character and it fails horribly at it because her whole thing is like,

hey fuck you humans like why can't us monsters and other paranormal watchets live on earth you know why are you the ones always forcing us to live in the darkness and she tries to like get hellboy on board with that like hey man like why are you helping these people

they fucking kill your brethren and so on but the movie it's so concerned with the overarching like uh uh bad assery I mean the bad assy but just like the lore of like the hellboy world that it just

totally loses that concept will he choose evil at the end he was born of men of evil but then he was you know told not to be evil nature versus nurture yes again babe it's just like the place behind the pines or whatever the fuck that that was exactly what it was called i i remember liking it but i haven't seen it since came in that movie's a triptych where the first two-thirds are great and the last one you're like what the fuck am i doing here oh whoa man it just doesn't work tripping over to my dick to go rewatch that one there this is when Daniel DeKim shows up

he's like he's sent by Hellboy's daddy like hey Hellboy the rest of the movie's this way he's kind of hanging out with this girl a little bit and Daniel Day Kim actually Major Ben Damio by the way and we should say really quickly both him

Daniel Day Kim and Sasha Lane doing abhorrent English accents yeah I mean like they make us look pretty great But there is some fucking some white rage on the internet about this What happened? No, you don't say I'm the internet

White rage is that he's related to hellboy No it's a band from the 2000s You never listened to do I believe that I think Cabin and I also dodged that band No um so Originally this Ben Damio character Was cast by

Bend over and a well Was cast by as Ed Screen of the of Deadpool he's the villain in the first Deadpool movie Ajax. Yep. And, but the character's Asian American or Asian in the

in the comics. People were upset about that. Ed Screen was like, no thanks. He didn't do the Scarlet Chancyt and he's like, you know what? This is not for me. Let an Asian actor take it. I'm stepping away. I'm stepping away. Daniel Day Kim comes in. Daniel Day Kim, by the way, I've been a fan since lost.

on the couple seasons of Hawaii 5-0 that I watched, he was fun on that. Great actor. But also, Ed's Screen, like, excuse me, I would like a nothing person in the role. And I'm heavy missed, I would like to play the role. Who are you saying is nothing? Ed Screen.

Okay. Daniel, like, you know, he was on, like, one of the biggest television shows of, like, the late 2000. He's not adding much of this movie. I mean, I think it's fine. I'm not a big fan of him. I mean, I've never, I didn't watch Lost, is what I'm saying. But, like, so.

That's where he lost. me. IMDB trivia. Yikes, that sucked. You were slow on the gun for that because you were drinking a beer. Yeah, thank you. After in-screen, a white English act,

this is IMD-B trivia, by the way. Okay, let's just emphasize really quickly. This is the trivia. Let's emphasize white English. That sounds fucking bad. It's getting worse. After edge screen, a white English actor resigned from the film amid criticism

that he was due to play an Asian character, some pundits and blogs criticized the film as hypocritical for replacing a red-haired Irish character in the source material with Sasha Lane

an African-American actress so you could do it one way you can't do another you can't do it one way who is complaining about this was it was it was that guy that used to be here trying to be Larry King

and now he's back on Good Morning Britain what is his name Thomas Ratchett what was his name the fucking Brits Pierce Morgan sorry Ratchett? Whatever, dude. I think we should start calling Piersmorg and Thomas Ratchet.

And UK listeners, it's up to you to really get that going. I kind of like this a lot. It's almost like you're watching a movie and they couldn't afford to call him Piersmore. I don't know. I'm Thomas Ratchet, a piece of shit. I mean, all I know about the dude is is a piece of shit. Pretty much, dude, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He fucking sucks. Every show we've made with you has sunk. Every single one, you're ratchet now. Tom ratchet tonight That's exactly

Yes That's where I was going to I just love how it's controversial That what we see on screen Should in some way reflect the audience Yeah exactly Like we're not all fucking a bunch of white people Exactly

We are but not everybody else We are yes But we're so white We're like beyond whites We're from hell It feels like it sometimes Ben Damio's got big scars on his face we later learn he's a jaguar person for a 20 minute fucking interlude which might have been okay sure is this is this book uh material here by his shoulders are up it feels like fucking late period true blood and i cannot stand it book 18 catman

but if this movie was restrained to something like that mexican plot we were talking about and then a catman showed up to fight vampires with hellboy towards the third act fine I'll be fine. Guess what? Just be like, you know, I was struck by a jaguar cat once and every time I get angry I turn into a jaguar cat. I don't need to see the 12 minute fucking thing. It's like, the jungle was hot that day. Oh, right. Oh, dude, it's him in like fucking South America. Yeah, I don't even remember this. It's a blanking you miss a dude like his fucking battalion gets taken out. He's the only survivor. And here's the thing. Fucking 55 minutes before that flashback scene happens. There's, like, you see the scars and I'm like, okay,

Sasha Lane makes some comment about it. And then you see him at one point, like a few minutes after that, inject himself with something. And I'm like, well, that's the fucking medicine that keeps this monster from coming out, clearly, because this is a hellboy movie. I'm a wear jaguar. Wear war.

They're called, what the fuck are they calling him, Cabin in True Blood? I got to install some wear war on my computer later. Especially after the shit I've been Googling. Oh, the Porn Hub wouldn't save tubes, dude. When it turns in midnight, porn just plays on my computer. It's like wear Pumas or something. I don't know. There is something fucking garbagey on that show. There's a lot garbage about that show.

Quite a lot. Which show, True Blood? True Blood. Right. Which I watched, like, the first, like, four-ish seasons or show. Suki. Sooki. Sooki.

Sooki. The Hellboy fucked me good one time. Sucke. That was a great O-O band. there was so whatever hellboy uh he goes up to his dad and his dad's like yeah i'm sorry about the osiris club hell boy but now there's this has a fucking problem sorry hell boy movie three on its way we're changing reels changing blocks as well and uh he's like well i don't want to do that dad and he's like fucking farting around and he's all pissed about it he gets sucked into babiaga's

domain. This is the Bobby Yaga. And again, I do think the character design of Bobby Young is pretty cool. I like that she kind of like walks around like a weird crab person, that sort of something. Whoever did the performance committed? Like it's a very physical performance. And like she's like your classical old witch. She's like, you know, uh, baby soup. Oh, dude, the baby soup we should talk about a little bit. It looks pretty good. Hellboy's a little tempted. He sits down. He's like, all right, what are we eating here? She's like, it's a child soup. And he's like, hmm. And he was like, don't worry, it's only human child. I think you shouldn't be offended.

You shouldn't offend Babiaga. You should have a sip. Yeah, for sure. Oh, this is too hot, Bobbyaga. Oh, wow. Or just say I ate at lunch. Was this supposed to be served cold? Or did you leave this out, Bobby Yaga?

Like if you guys are. Oh, I'll reheat it. Let me put it in the microwave. Oh, Baba Yaka's microwave. I have a reheat setting, you know. I have jars of this stuff in the bag. I put one paper towel. on top of the bore, put it in the board.

You don't want it splattering all over the inside of your machine, you see. But people eat veal. Is this that different? She's a witch. And you don't want to insult her. Like, if you guys went to another plane and you actually knew you were part demon anyway. Oh, for sure. You have to try it. I'm looking for an excuse

anyway. Only question, only question I have, you got any hot sauce? Yes, exactly. Legit, disturbing shot, though, in this sequence is right after he sees like the little kid hand in the soup they cut and it's Hellboy kind of looking over his shoulder and they do a nice rack focus to what I can

only presume is the Babayaga's walk-in freezer and there's just skinned children hanging like Rocky's Meat Locker. Not too shabby for this shitty movie. You're going to have to get some Tabasco, maybe some sarach out for that. Yeah for sure. And also what's the bread situation, Babiaga?

Am I dipping or what? Yeah, we got a dip. I mean that's the thing is that you're not crackers? Oaster cookies? Seriously, but baby soup, you need a thick peasant bread. Are these wild caught kids? I need to know. That's true. I want free range.

I don't want a kid raised in a chained up fucking cage. In a cramped space. I don't want no city kids. You get me a farm boy, Baba Yaga. Honest question, if you are in this situation. Oh, free range, definitely. If you're in the situation, you're offered a bowl of kid soup. Right.

And you only, and I say only, dip bread into the kid soup. and eat the bread. Are you committing cannibalism or you're not committing cannibalism? I say you are not. Oh, okay. Well, wait a second. I see you are because there's residual kid juice.

Yeah. Like the thing about the eyeballs and like the fucking years and... All right, you're talking about juice, dude, but looking at this way, it's like, if you want like a real taste of like a burger or whatever and you just like a little taste of the bun,

you're not getting the full fucking thing. The baby meat is clearly the flavor. Yeah. I mean, there's not a real onion in there. I'm seeing like some celery leaves or something in there. Well, the Baba Yaga, she's for simple recipes, man. You don't want to overcomplicate a soup. I guess so. Eating clean

with Bobbyaga. This is just how her grandmother made it. It was passed down. Grandma, Baba Yaka. Steve, it is a half measure. You need to fucking just go for it. And I agree with the hellboy. He's Hellboy. Why not? He's the kid's fucking dead. Are you going to

fucking bring it back to life, Hellboy? Eat the fucking. Are we going to get on your Amber Alert rant again? Maybe. I will say we should point out the dude playing the physical part of Bobby Yugg is this guy, Troy

James, nickname Twisty by the way. And I'll pull this up to show you guys. He was on America's Got Talent. One, don't be fucking terrified by the back of Howie Mandel's head. Okay. But take a look at this monster. Oh, he twisted it up, right?

Yeah. So he's like doing that He's also in that scary stories Tell the Dark. Did anybody see that? Is that one even a half a damn? Not bad. It's not bad. Not bad. I was curious about that. Let me ask you this, Chris Cabin. Are they doing the one where the fucking girls got the ribbon around her neck and her head falls on? I don't think so. Wasn't that a scary story to tell in the dark, Steve Sadek? I think so.

It's one of my favorite horror tales. The scarecrow, the Mr. Jitters or whatever. The Big Toe guys there. Yeah. Are they butt chugging in there? Yes. The butt chugger. I mean, that's a scary thing. going on with children.

You will. You will? You will? You will chug my butt. Yes, you will. Well, that's what happened. You put a bottle in there, right? You fucking load up your ass with alcohol.

I mean, it's a great way to marinate a kid. I will say, yeah. Oh, that's like kind of, that'll keep them nice and moist for sure. You have a beer chicken kind of a situation. Oh, man, beer can chicken fucking rules, man.

I'll tell you right now. It does. Beer can kid. Okay. Now, if this is your first. Where you put the can, man. This is your first episode. We kind of have a little bit of a laugh here.

Yeah, sure. None of us have ever engaged in cannibalism to my knowledge. Not yet. Not yet. None of that ever happens. So the Bobby Yaga is like, hey, hell boy, I'll tell you where this dark queen is because it's a fucking stupid witch movie for no reason.

I was like, wait, I thought I was hunting Mexican vampires. Like, no, that was 20 minutes ago. Wait, about the giants? Nope, not 20 minutes ago. Ferry, no, it was five minutes ago. Do we get his past here? Hang on a second. We passed something.

with the Baba Yaga that we have to talk about. I'm sorry to derail this. I mean, it's the best scene in the movie by a mile. She makes a deal with Hellboy. Yes. Because I guess there was a previous adventure where the Hellboy like fucking knocked out one of her eyeballs.

Sure, that'll happen. So, sure, you know. So she's like, all right, first of all, she mentions her favorite color is piss yellow. Oh, right. Yes. Great detail. Second detail. She says to him, all right, I'm going to tell you

where the blood queen currently is. Yes. But in return, I get one of your eyes. And he's like, all right, but let me just say, you can have it when I'm done with it. Which means when I'm dead, fuck you, witch lady. Well, this is, they steal it with a kiss first. That's what I'm talking about. So she's like, all right, let's make out.

And he is fucking tongue kissing this thing. Hell yeah. It's gnarly. Nick my milk tongue. I mean, like, Hellboy instantly has like a milk mustache. And I mean, if that's the case, Hellboy, you might as well, I would

bargle with kid soup after me. I was about to ask, is that cannibalism? She soups it back in your mouth. That's, oh, dude. No, you cannot commit cannibalism from snowballing. No way. Not, okay, let's just say

backwash in general. Let's say Baba Yaga is like blah, blah, blah. With some fucking soup, right? Right. Spits it up in a. a Coke bottle and then you drink it. Well, then that's sort of something.

That's a whole other level of something. You're probably at least getting a fingernail in there. A baby fingernail. You know what? Fucking dress. You got to fucking clean these bodies better, Baba Yaga. There shouldn't be a whole fucking bone.

There shouldn't be fingernails in there. You have to filet those fingers. I know who's working today. Oh, and then we get a... I'm sorry, Bobby Yaga. I got a fingernail. I got a Jeffers to carry him from Chup. I got a fingernail in my...

in my kid's soup. It was a wonderfully inventive use of the challenge, but we're going to have to chop you. Great, Jeffrey's. I've been sitting on it, dude. Hey, man. Good for you. I don't know who you're talking about.

Damn, this child soup is raw. The ingredients are all there, but where's the innocence dying that I look for? In my kid's soup. Baba Yaga, we're going to have to let you go, but I want to let you know if you want a job in any one of my kitchens. You are welcome to be there.

Is he offering jobs left and really? He always is. And I always want the follow up because he's like, who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, definitely that has never happened. So she says, by the way,

the blood queen is in Pendle Hill. Yeah. And he's like, On up on Pendle Hill. Oh, nice. That's a band I know. That is a band I know. That is a band I know.

It's one guy's name. And so he like, he fucks her over and she's like, you will use those eyes to watch someone. that out you die a hell of boy and then she's like Then she's got all like these living warts

and goiters coming to fucking work for her coming up the hill It's gnarly Bobby Yaga, yeah, this is an excellent Goida sandwich again the bread was just a little bit dry so we're gonna let you go That's all for Eric

I'm just I like it I mean I always Jeffrey Zakarian is always one of the funest judges Not in a real way but it's fun to watch I've never worked with dehydrated eyeballs but I'm happy to you know it's a challenge

it's a challenge and I'm here for it I'm here to win around here do we get the hellboy back story that he was like birth from a demon fucking a oh this comes a little later

first we have the fucking thing they go to this Pendle Hill area to find her Milojovich is like cutting a tree and making it bleed this is like cabin this is what you're talking about

this is like all of the fucking creatures are kind of coming out of the woodwork like, yeah, she's back. And they look like shit. Every last one of Toro's garbage can. They all look like trash. It's awful. They all are really bad. And like the pig person

is here again, like doing her bit like doing like, oh master, my queen. He's doing this thing because she wants to fuck Hellboy. When she sees Hellboy, she's like, I'm to fuck that dude. Clearly huge jumps. I guess it's part of the prophecy. She needs to wed a demon or some shit. But his whole thing is like, oh,

told you all I want to do is kill that Elboy and it's like, all right, whatever. And this is what, there's a stupid zombie attack in the forest. Right. Out of nowhere, Hellboy has the line can nothing in this country stay dead. Sure. Kind of something.

Right, because apparently the giants come back from the dead. Oh, did they? Yeah. That's like, okay. So they're like fighting all these zombies and then Daniel Day Kim is like, hey man, you got to go find the blood queen. Let us do nothing side carry.

to handle this nothing situation. Sasha Lane finds out that she can punch people and their souls come out of their body. There's a lot of Sasha Lane, by the way, my least favorite psychic trope is I'm the psychic lady in the action movie. Oh no, my head is exploding. I have to scream.

Oh, no. Every psychic character gets migraines and it's very annoying. Let me ask you, do you prefer spirit pukes? Oh, those things are disgusting. Yeah. One happens. There's one point.

It doesn't matter. at all. They go back to the Osiris Club. Everybody's dead. Right. So, like, she touches Sophia Okinaido and it's like, it's like slimer's gross uncle that's made of feces comes out of her mouth with a face of Sochi Okanato and that's how like she's speaking for these people. This ain't your daddy's hellboy. You know what, man? You know what's great? A classic your eyes roll back in your head and turn totally white and then you have the voice of that person. Or a fucking ghost. Or I'm fine with a ghost.

A good old-fashioned ghost. Do they think I wouldn't buy a ghost after I've seen Baba Yaga giants and all this other shit? I just want her to like do that to like normal everyday corpses. Like, yeah, I didn't have anybody holding the ladder. And whoopsie do it all there, I went. I got vomiting out of this girl's mouth. That's pretty interesting. The worst part about it, though, is when she, she cancels the call, you know,

the conversation she's over with and the thing goes back in her mouth there's a little like and then like fucking like goo comes out of her mouth it's disgusting there's definitely a taste you're getting a little taste after all

it tastes like shit and death by the way this will figure in hugely to the emotional climax of this move I'm gargling up her fan if I'm tasting her ectoplasm is that cannibus? Yes it is I think so

well that's kind of like if I got in like a hot tub no chlorine, you know, just like a hot water tub sat for a bit and then you drank some of it. Is that cannibalism? You know what? No, you're right. It's not. It's just really gross. Yeah, that's just gross. Every ghost puke definitely tastes different. Yes, for sure. I think it has to do with like was that person a smoker? Yeah. What did they eat right before they died?

How old were they? Oh, smoked puke. I don't know. Good smoke flavor under that. So Hellboy stops her here for a hot second. A hot second. Yeah, there's a portal that opens. There's a portal. She goes through it. And there's another witch

who's not even a character. Because there's other two witches to get killed. She's like, You betrayed me. And this is supposed to be like her sister Grenada or something like that. Who betrayed her in the beginning of the movie. And you're asking me to care after I just saw a big monster and a diaper.

Yeah, it's a great question. Give me a fucking brick. Hellboy shoots Milo Jovovich in the head, which is going to be great. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. But yeah, so they have this whole thing. She, Milo Jovovich contorts two of these witch sisters and says to Gneda, you know, like, oh, you feel bad for me. Where were you when I was getting fucking cut up and putting boxes and whatnot?

But then so Hellboy shows up and she's like, eh, better beat it. So she opens a portal, which is the first time you see her doing this movie. the fucking pig man and her bounce through this thing right before that To be in Dimension X my pig friend

and the witch Pretty much man Shredder and fucking Krang might as well be around Blood Queen I came to bargain Step into this portal

with me And right before she goes She's like by the way Peace out Alice And she's got this like Crown of Thorns or something Because she is a Christ figure Of course

And she like throws this thing Like a spy and hits Alice like in the neck and she's poisoned. I'm eating the blood and the body of Christ. Is that cannibalism?

Every Catholic is a cannibal. Yes, it's true. Catholic cannibals, dude, that's another band. That's how Lecter got started. Well, first, that was just a good old church boy. Oh, the blood of Christ. Delicious. So he goes to the only person that could help.

And I guess it's Alan Moore is my idea. Sick Alan Moore cameo here. Dude, what are we? This, I think, is. Gleeson's son. Oh, son of Brendan, I believe.

Isn't it the nobody from the beginning? Yes, it's Merlin, but it's Brendan Gleason's son because you can't throw a fucking rock in that country when you're not in the spot of Brendan Gleason.

Wait a second, it's not Domhill, is it? It's not Donald. No, there's another one. There is another. There is another. Another. I'm trying to find it here.

I think he's towards the top. But yeah, so this witch is like, by the way, man, there's one person who might be able to help you out and you're going to get there in 60 seconds. Yes. It's Merlin, the Wizard of York.

Yeah. Don't worry. There's a montage with a bra, bra, bra, also, I'm going to say it, I'm going to say what everyone's singing is, hellboy did Merlin dirty here, dude. This is some fucking bullshit. Confirmed this is Brian Gleeson

born 1987. I'm glad you were born. Look at this though. There's four of these fuckers. I told you. You can't throw a rock without hitting the Gleeson. Brian, Dunnell, Fergus, and Jackie. Well, that's a gleece. It's crazy. They get their fucking sag card before their birth certificate. Family. Oh, actually, I should say, excuse me, for Irish listeners out there, I know we have them. According to IMDB trivia, his name is pronounced Breen. Okay. Breen Gleeson. Well, a Gleason famously reproduces by puking up. Get the fucking away from me! I'm going to get first! Just vomiting up their children.

Brendan Gleeson giving birth out of his mouth. Someone draw that. I'll call it Brick! You know, better than Hellboy, Tony. So, Brendan Gleeson, you have 44 sons, huh? You're 45. Yeah, whatever noise he makes when he pukes is what he names.

Downhill! Oh, man! Yes, I had twins after getting a stomach flu. I mean, they go right to this fucking... By the way, it's where Luke Skywalker's in hiding. Yeah. They find this thing. It's like just dig this motherfucker up.

And there's no like, where on earth could this little grave be? Like, we just walk right to it. So does this where... Does Merlin tell him his fucking story? Correct. He's got a human mother and... In the year 1574. that...

Oh, that's why it's Arthur... Arthur... Her daughter, had a daughter, had a daughter, had a daughter, had a daughter. And then this one daughter, dude, she had a fucking fetish where she loved banging fucking monsters and shit. So she... I believe the way Merlin tells it

is this lady was, you know, kind of fancying this demon. Sure. He says that she rode him to the Sabbath every week and then one day decided to marry this demon. I I hiccup burped and Chris is laughing.

Well, I thought you were going to throw up. I heard a story. You know what? I heard a noise. Whatever that noise was, that's what I'm going to name my child. So then, so then, like, she married this demon. Fuck this dude on their wedding night, of course. Of course, you're married.

And Hellboy was born. Was he played by John Kazavetes? Absolutely. He was in a building. He was in a, you know, a working actor was doing some TV so he could finance a Some other project. For that apartment, I would birth a demon. Oh, for sure.

Absolutely. Are you fucking kidding me? Living in the Dakota? I'll have fucking 12 demon kids. Don't ask me what the hay cost, okay? Okay. And also, like, look, I'm going to hell anyway. Like, to get into heaven sounds like really difficult.

Hell's easy as fuck. Hell's easy as fuck. So I might as well be like a fucking, you know, I might as well be like, you know, pseudo royalty of, I might as well Prince Harry of hell. This is the famous quote, right? It's better to rule in hell than serve in heaven. Yeah, absolutely.

Didn't that just come from the trailer to that David DeCovney movie playing God? Wow, dude, you're taking me right back. Wow. He's like three times in that trailer. Yeah, he does. I didn't know he got a movie.

He's had a couple of movies. Evolution, House of D. Yeah, I never checked into the House of D. Not a lot of people did. Did he direct that? I think he did. Yes, he did. You can ask the House of D, my friend.

Didn't have to do a lot of work for the porn parody that one. What a weird movie to turn into important parody. So Merlin is like, Hellboy, so you're the son, you're the great, great grandson of King Arthur. Who would have guessed it?

Only you can lift off Excalibur and send the witch back to hell. Excalibur, which is right here. Come on down, sword in the stone. I wanted to be like a mama Mia and it's just a bunch of monsters. No, nobody knows which one. Frankenstein is by Colin

Firth. Oh, nice. I like. this idea. Wolfman is a Scars Guard. Yes. Pierce Bros. is obviously Dracula. Monster Mia. Ro, mar, mar, mar, rah, rah, rah, rah.

Ra. Ra, rei, ra. Ra, re. Rory. Rory. Rory. You guys are just like saying what the monster should have done, because how is a Frankenstein banging a, what was she? She was a vampire? I think she was a

vampire. Or was she a bride of Frank? She's just... I don't know. So, but long story short, on the monster show, the Wolfman Kid, which is like, where is that?

Dude, it's monster adoption, dude. You think so? Of course. You, of course. Duh, dude. But I'm just saying, now you are going to need a room that locks from the outside

with the chair that you can lock him down in at midnight. You need to have that before we even start this process. What do you think the fish head budget was in the monster household? Oh, that's expensive. It's a monthly expense, huh? Feeding all those creeps in there. And the gag, though, was that the daughter was just a person? Yeah, she's a regular girl. Right. It was, that was funny. It was kind of funny. So they, he grabs. Is that adoption? Or was that like, we're all so, our blood is so weird, it just somehow worked.

She's a true miracle. Yeah. So he grabs this sword and he sees himself as the start of... And this is probably one of the coolest-looking scenes in the movie of the closest two. Yeah. It's just him and he's got these big horns. He's got a fucking crowd of fire. He's riding some beast.

It slides down the, like, part of the Golden Gate Bridge. It looks like, you know. It's got it to be into the Flintstones in that way. That's totally... Jabber-dabber-doo. He's flying a dirt-hawk Gleason. And he's just, like, cutting people up. And then he realized...

Pretty baller. He's like, oh, no, I don't want to do that. So he lets go with the sword. And Merlin's like, no. He's like, I wasted my last bit of magic on you. I'm like, I don't give a fuck because you're Merlin and you have no business in this Hellboy movie, you piece of shit. At least I don't have to see the end of the world.

Fuck you by. At least I'm not in the rest of this movie. Well, that's, I guess, part of the prophecy, though, is like, Hellboy is going, he's the one who's going to bring about the end of the other. But if Merlin comes out of whatever and offers me a sword, I'm taking the sword. I don't care what happens. Oh, and oh, this sword just makes me stronger. Sounds pretty good to me.

But it's the only thing that can kill the blood queen, and then eventually has to fucking take it anyway? Well, it's your classic. You're going to cut 30 minutes out of this piece of shit. The sword disappears, and it's your classic in one of these stupid supernatural movies. Like, well, now she should venture forever. And it's like, well, obviously that's not giving it. minutes later, when she gives you the fucking sword. Yeah.

Also, at this point, all of these monsters are rising up in England and there's like a plague that's happening. Yes, that's happening. It's a monster match. It truly is, again, Guillermo DeToro. Yes, they voted for Brexit and they could

never get out of it. So all these monsters are rising from the grave. And they're voting, Tory. I got a couple of names for these monsters. Oh, please. No. Jeff. But crab Fire ass Yeah I've been there

Vagina giants Well A this is excellent But B we're going ahead This is at the end of the movie Well let's just go to the end We're good yeah we're good there So yeah whatever

These are the monsters They're taking over England aren't they? No there's there's monsters before That start a plague And then when Hellboy grabs the sword Oh Hell opens up And a different fleet of monsters shows

This is around the time though Where we find out Pigman's like jacked up And this is the big church fight Yeah because they go they go confront him and he's like

Ah, hell boy She gave me Super Powers He calls him a twat And I'm like You know what dude She gave me SGHH

Just like Slash the Lone uses I'm gonna star In the new Rambo Hey Hellboy You're gonna be in Rambo And funny enough No one noticed The difference

Audiences are gonna Flock to Pigbo Last Blood Starring Pigbo man last blood is terrible i don't know if we're going to do it for this month but it is bad it is bad news i got to check it out man i gotta see it i gotta do it at the end they do this whole like during the credits it's like rambo through time yep yeah i knew it's like all through the ages so it's like here's the first movie that had a really original message to send and then the

rest is just fucking conservative trash do they show the scene where he crashes into the sephora Cumber Circle. What is that? The Cloverfield Monster. Jesus, I don't remember a lick of that movie. Speaking of Cloverfield Monsters, there's plenty in this movie when World War Hell starts.

Yes, Vagina Giant does come. Oh, that's vagina giant, I shouldn't know. And then a bunch of Iron Maiden covers come to life in the middle of the five. There's this dude with those sword for a hand that cuts all these people in half. They do this extreme violence at the end. Yes, they are really going.

going for it gets his face ripped all the skin ripped off his head for some reason there is and here's the thing so as Steve mentioned because we were kind of like conflating these two incidents there's a plague that's happening and we see this television report that's like by the way y'all

this thing's spreading really fast and soon as shit it's going to be like off our little island and the world's going to be over with so that's like already happening right so this sword is grabbed like hellboy is now considering they fight the pig monster the pig monster the pig monster gets turned into a little pig again.

Yeah, she kills him because he's about to kill Hellboy, but she needs Hellboy, but she needs him. And Catman rises. Yes, Catman does rise. It happens. We have this fight. But so, when he grabs the sword, this is when all these huge monsters start coming out of the ground. There is a shot, as we introduce these big

monsters, there is a shot of this businessman. Yes. Holding a briefcase, totally just business-ish crossing the street, and he gets picked up by this thing and, like, ripped in a habit. It's fucking horrible. But like, hey man. there's a plague on yeah what are you doing you know this wouldn't happen no it would because johnson gets in there he repeals the health care now this guy's got to go to work all the time like an american oh fuck so even when the plague is on dude you got to be busting your cheeks at the

office exactly gotcha totally checks out remember when that dude walked into a freezer on television yeah i do remember that i don't but i remember hearing about it i fucking love it man it's like oh it was like right before thomas ratchett show what it was like good more Morning Britain or whatever it is. And they're like, oh, Mr. Johnson, one question for you. So he's like, oh, yes, one minute. Just, yes, one minute. And he turns around and he fucking walks into a walk-in freezer.

Were there fucking kids in their hang-down? If Baba Yaka's getting a fresh cut down. And then, like, you just hear someone like the host of the show, like over, you know, the inner, not intercom, but you're just like, the voice on the television feed just says, uh, yep, and he's walking into a freezer. It's fucking hilarious. So, yeah, he's got, he's grabbed this sword. Excalibur itself, we keep saying Excalibur.

Because she fucking makes him take it because she's like, you're going to be my husband, this sword, you and me. They're going to, we're going to kill everyone? Oh, no, he turns her down, but she kills Ian McShane. Oh, thank you. And Ian McShane's last words are like, don't give it to this bitch hellboy. Yeah.

Good night movie. You do you, hellboy. Adios, Hollywood. Adios. I might be back in 15. minutes. Yeah, totally. So he dies and to kill her, he grabs the sword, he gets the big horns, the

crown of fire, and this is when all this shit starts happening. And to save the day, Alice resurrects the ghost, vomits up the ghost of Ian McShane. This is truly something. And the dialogue goes on

and on and on. You want to fucking vomit up a ghost, make it snappy. But it's just like, oh, herba, don't make a prophecy, tell you what to do with your life. You've got free will. All right, all right. And meanwhile, Milojovich, who's the big bad of this is sitting on her fucking hands.

She's not doing anything. Like, you know what? I just, I want to hear what this ghost has to say? I'm going to let this guy say. What the hell did I know about raising a kid, but I think I did a good enough job, huh? And he's like, he's like, Dad, you can't go. I don't think I'm ready. And he's like, oh, you're ready,

hellboy. Oh, are you ready? But before I go, remember to protect the continent. Oh, wrong Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Neil. Can we go again here? You broke the rules of the hotel, hell, boy. But also this fucking dude, this, like, she vomits him up, whatever. He looks like he's covered in cat shit. Also, it's a weird, like, he's skinny and tall.

It's so weird. It's his face, and then it's just, like, the cowboy from the frighteners and his fucking skeleton case. And it's like, he doesn't give his shit. Harbour's actually trying to play emotional to this. He's really trying. The CGI he's working with. Remember like the bodies in the fucking in Wishmaster in his little like Yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like that. Except for she vomits it up. He's like, Dad, don't go. And he's like, oh, don't worry, kid. You'll be all right. Is that cut, Neil or what? What's lunch looking like? Wait a second.

There you go. Hellboy. Yeah, there's my speech. Yeah. And he just, he puts the sword. He cuts her head off and then she's decapitated for. the second time. And he throws her head into hell.

Well, he has got a really bad line. And I've liked some of the one-liners, but this is awful. Well, he cuts her, he's like, he cuts her head off and he's like, why don't you quit while you're and he kind of thinks about it's like, uh, uh, uh, uh, head. I also thought that like it was so obvious

he wasn't going to do it. Like he was going to cut her out of like, what don't you quit while you're, I'm not going to say it. Like that's what I thought the joke was going to be. That would be something. But I think the delivery is, is kind even worse here because the way I read it was like in his head he's like well I'm hellboy and I'm the guy

with the one liners after I kill people or whatever and he's like ha but I'm really tired and my dad just died and he's like begrudgingly making a one liner right here he's like why don't you quit while you're ahead fucking I gotta go take a nap because it never goes full deadpool it's just always teetering on the edge there

like he talks about how he knew raw in hell and now he's got a nice guy Him and Ra were partying at one point. There's also this line earlier on when he meets King Arthur or he meets Merlin, he's like, oh, do people still know about King Arthur? He's like, yeah, it's actually a pretty popular thing. It's a bunch of pop cultural movies.

You lie. You lie, Hellboy. I know. Hellboy, show me these movies you speak up. Are they really popular, Hellboy? Okay, no, Hellboy, I'm going to help you pass your final exam at Sandemus. And then we'll get out of here. Dude, sick.

I mean, you know, it is for reading in the seventh grade and then be on your way. I know they already filmed it and it's not going to happen, but you know what they should have done that Bill and Ted face the music movie. Yeah. David Harbor as Rufus's son, Dufus.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude. Because he kind of looks like Colin a little bit or enough where you can believe it. I can see it. It's like George Colin with the Bain zero. You know what I'm so excited for that movie coming out later this year. You know a thing that I read about it that's pretty cool?

I don't think that she's like a major character in it, but Kelly Carlin's daughter appears in the movie as something, which I thought was pretty sweet. Dufus's wife? Mr. and Mrs. Dufus. She's Goofus. Married to Dufus. There you go.

They released some like first look photos from it, dude, and there was a shot of Bill and Ted talking to death. I'm fucking excited. for this movie, I have to say. Also, we should say the side thing that's happening here is Ben Damio. Way earlier in the movie has consulted with some technician that's like,

hey, man, can I have a magic bullet to kill hellboy if need be? Which also is a great idea. This guy's a fucking walking hell demon that will bring about the apocalypse. Yeah, he's a ticking time bomb. Let's put this guy in the right home. But you didn't think about a puke McShane crying.

You're not only mankind's best hope my boy you're the only help hope or whatever but so he's like during this whole negotiation and talking with the ghost and whatnot Ben Damia was like in the corner ready to take the shot so after Hellboy like makes the right call

and they're just sort of sitting there in the aftermath like he takes the bullet out and throws the no take the shot anyway and Alice is like what's that he's like a mistake yeah like oh isn't that fucking cheat a man even still like I don't trust this guy man. We're better off without

him. Still people are boiling the death in their own blood just to block away. And also, well, because of Hellboy, because of his indecision, those people don't come back from the dead. No, some guy got bone tomahawked out there. He definitely did, so six months

later, and the team is still riding strong. Dude, this is when we get kickstart my heart, and you can just shut the flying fuck up. This is where it's like some other occult organization trying to do a I'm a fudge. The Secret Order of Atlantis.

Yeah. This is where Sasha Lane is like another one of these fucking dude clubs. Like what is going on with you guys? And this is when you get, and I mean, like, this is the first of three stinger scenes because it's basically they're fighting all these people. It's fun

for somebody. Yeah. And at the end, it's like, Abe Sapien, who's Doug Jones and or Neil, David Hyde Pierce, depending on which movie you're watching. And, And it's like, somebody's like, oh, yeah. Oh, oh, yeah.

Because it's like whatever, like erectus sapien or whatever. It's the Joker card at the end of. Sure. And also the fin pops up. Yes, it does. Very shape of water. We get credits then, right? And then eventually we get the Bobbyaga scene.

Well, it's the scene in the middle is Hellboy at the graveyard. Oh, see, so I fast forwarded right to the end of the credits. Oh, you guys missed the middle sting. I fucking three stingers in this movie. I played it through, but I probably went to take a leak, but please go on. So in the middle, because this is what I stopped. You told me there's a stinger. I watched this as like Stinger complete, ladies and gentlemen, and this has been a long night.

So it's Hellboy in the graveyard. He's drinking tequila at his dad's grave. I don't know if I could do this, Dad. Did you see this, Chris? No. Really? Okay. Solo Stinger Sears, Steve Sadegh.

Come back, Mr. Lodagh. Lobster Johnson in the graveyard. And he's like, I was definitely in the bathroom. He's like, hell boy, you're needed in this world. They need a hero like you. What are you doing there, dude? You're bar and Rasputin? And then like, it's this whole scene where he's like, yeah, you know, hell boy, that's what needs to happen.

You got to keep fighting. And he's like, man, Lobster Johnson, I'm your biggest fan. Hold a second. Lobster Johnson, is he old in this? I think, no, Lobster Johnson had the aging thing. Wrong with the rest of those dudes. Both of you are fucking wrong. You're watching his fucking movies sometimes.

So no. Yes, World's biggest Hellboy 2019 fan. Tell me more. So he drinks all, he's like, yeah, man, I'm your biggest fan.

He's like, all right, I got to go. Stacey needs me. And he walks through Hellboy. He's a ghost. Oh, fucking eat my ass.

The last line, David Harbor will ever say as Hellboy because this fucking thing bombed like shit was, huh so that happened and I'm like

dude that encompasses this whole experience top all right hell boy bend over I'm eating your ass my friend Paul is here to help no he just takes him he just takes him and does him a grouber

I told you I'm not eating any hell boy ass that's so funny because the first time I watch this movie I feel like I must have seen that because I remember when this was over with just today watching it, I was like, wasn't Lobster Johnson in more than that one scene? And there it is. Yeah, that's right.

Hey, Neil, do I still get paid even if the movie does terribly? Excellent. Oh, it's scale, dude. What is this coming? January? Hey, Lobster, did you die in some heroic act? Actually, I was executed after I branded a bunch of teenagers who were making fun of me. in 711 Park lot and

you know I went up the river for it one died from it by the way April 12th 2019 Steve oh wow that's shocking I know it's pretty late January written all over it absolutely dude fuck man

oh that is Hellboy 2019 obviously no one's recommending this movie yeah I think it's totally worthless the first two movies I think are both really good the second one is excellent the first one's just okay and yeah I mean like it's like making

to re-launch this right after those not that they're like cultural touchstones or anything like that but like it's pretty recent maybe that maybe because I'm an alderman it's like making a Superman movie in 19 if Superman 1 and 2 came out they were really good you didn't make a Superman 3 and then in like 1986 you make a new Superman movie

you're like what the fuck is that you know what I mean like? This is 11 years after Golden Army. Golden Army is 08 little while. Why not just make Hellboy 3 and put David Harbour in the role and continue that timeline? Exactly. Like who cares? Exactly, dude. No, it would

have been better for it. I also don't know who this movie is for at all. At all, I have no idea in this movie. Was there like fan back, like people who were like, hey, I'm a fan of these comics man, but this is garbage? I mean, again, I mean, prove me wrong, but I don't think the Hellboy is that big of a character in terms of like selling... It's a take

where you can get situation. Exactly. I mean, it's way too long. It feels like five hours going on in this thing. Yes. The other thing is I just don't, I really hate the cutesy, like, Joss Whedony dialogue. Like when he, when Hellboy is talking about how he has to work through his feelings with his therapist. Oh, yeah. I'm like, just, please stop this now.

That's a bad joke. But, yeah, it's horrible. And I do, I love the Guillermo ones. And I think they work a lot because they're fun. Yes. This one's, like, grim and over extended. and so visually interesting. So that happened.

That's it. I'm going to defer to my colleagues. They said it all. I say skip it. This is the hellboy fucked me good one time. Not good. Yeah. There's not much more to be said here.

I'm just looking at it up, man. Get ready for him and Red Guardian later this year. As Red Guardian later this year. The only way you can be in a movie is if you're comic book character. Also, it's like it's now becoming a kind of a played thing because I believe there was some Jim Hopper jokes about this too, like his whole gut situation. Yeah, and that's like all this, all you see of him

in the Black Widow trailer is like gut jokes. Well, no, if you're a comedic actor, you need to get on fucking, you need to like chisle yourself out of marble if you're anywhere near a Marvel movie. I mean, David Harper, doesn't he have like a dad bot and isn't everyone wanting to lick that shit up nowadays? I think that was

a thing that was cool for like six months last year. I think it's already done, dude. Sorry, we missed that window. All right. that is hellboy from 2019 directed by Neil Marshall if you would like

more we hate movies of course check out our Patreon and Patreon.com slash we hate movies where later this month

probably pretty soon actually we'll be doing a full length we love movies episode on Quentin Tarantino's once upon a time

in Hollywood but worst of 2019 month continues next week on the free feed here so Steve

what what 2019 gem are we talking about next week. We are going back to American Mike's backyard. It's Angel has fallen. Yes. And this combines, I mean, listener beware.

Gerard Butler impressions with Nick Nolte impressions. He's playing the dad in this movie. I feel like I haven't seen this movie yet, but I feel like it's going to be a recommend. I just feel it. Well, you had to make three fucking fallen movies. Had to black out last night and make three

fucking fallen movies, didn't you? That's what it is. Sideways has fallen. It's there on like a, they're on like a booze cruise or something. A terrorist takeover. Great idea. Terrorist takeover. I'm the president. Oh, no.

Booz canto. Dude, I'm fucking there for me. It's speed two. Yep. Mixed with sideways. Speed two booze control. Yes. There it is. So until next week when Angel has fallen, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Sadek. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a head gum podcast. The Hellboy fucked me good one time.