We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 465 - Yesterday

Episode Date: January 21, 2020

On this week's episode, the Worst of 2019 Month continues as the guys chat about the totally lame Beatles-heavy fantasy, Yesterday! Why not explore the English woman and Russian guy characters more? Is this protagonist really a huge Beatles fan to begin with? And how did they think ending it this way was acceptable? PLUS: Get OUT OF TOWN with that "cameo." Yesterday stars Himesh Patel, Lily James, Joel Fry, Ed Sheeran, Kate McKinnon, James Corden, Lamorne Morris, and Robert Carlyle; directed by Danny Boyle. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, is there anything worse than a Beatles cover song? It's yesterday. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the fine program. That's right. We're talking about Danny Boyles yesterday. This continues our worst of the previous year month. Boy, I got a sour taste in my mouth with this. movie, man, I will tell you. That's the word for this. You don't like Beatles cover tunes, man?

I don't. I don't know why. The Troubles seemed so far away, but now it looks like Jeffrey Jones is here to stay. What? The Troubles? I'm just saying, reinvent the song. These people change the lyrics. I was going to say, the Troubles, are you doing the IRA version of this? Sure. I will say half the time when he's singing without a band.

Excuse me. I feel like I'm on the platform and I'm just. like, dude, shut up. You know what I mean? Like, that's, I mean, the guy is good. How much Mattel is really good at singing and performing in this movie. And like, these songs sound good, but I'm like, I just, I get like PTSD from like waiting for a train and some busker is playing for an hour. And I'm like, I wish I was dead.

It's just a lame fucking movie. Lame. There are dad movies and dad for noon movies, westerns, whatever. This is a parents movie. Yeah, that's right. You're visiting parents. This is also a weiner movie. Wait, hold on that.

This is a... Four weaners. People who cannot get over the fact that the Beatles existed and that they were a great band, they have to be the only band. Well, I kind of made fun of this on our live show in San Francisco

when we were talking about the rock and Nicholas Cage's characters and self-professed beetle maniac. These are the people that don't realize the word beetle maniac is lame. I will say one thing. It's okay to like a movie. Yes, thank you. It's totally fun. I know people who actually do like this movie.

Of course. You know, they're older and they enjoy it. And I think the leads are good enough. They're sweet. It's great in lots of things. I think they both work in this movie. I'm not a fan of the movie. And Danny Boyle can direct the hell out of some stuff. And that happens a couple times in this movie.

And I'm like, is this a good movie? And then like the script reminds me that it's absolutely not. It is absolutely not. I mean, that's the thing. Like, I love Danny Boyle as a director. I just don't know. I'm pulling up the filmography now. I think he's feared off.

Yeah, what has he done for a while now? What has he done for me lately? Steve Jobs is the most prominent one. And that was not good. That was not good. I didn't see T2 trainsbriding. It was supposed to be good. It's fine.

Yeah, I am back. I want you to take off your clothes and give me a hell. Oh, no, the baby's on the wall again. Yes, I am Scottish. It is me a Scottish punk T-1000 baby Liquid metal But like trance was terrible

Didn't see it Uh 127 hours Does anybody remember that movie I remembered liking it But then I don't remember anything about it So I guess that says Slumdog Millionaire classic case of

I bought that on Blu-ray I never took it out of the fucking plastic Until the day I gave it away for free That was a movie that was a parent's movie I think Chris had a screener of it possibly. And I was like, I'm going to watch this with my mother. And we had a lovely evening. But I've never thought about it since.

I'm one of those few people that like sunshine all the way through. I don't even care about that sun monster at the end. I thought it's pretty cool. I got to revisit it. I got to revisit it. I was thinking about that too. But then you're into millions. Which is fine.

Wait, that's like the baby discovers money. It's another like it's another parent's. Yes, that is what is. The babies have discovered. offered money. Oh, no, the babies have their own money. You maniacs! You found all the dollars! Hold on.

Apple is now owned by a baby. Didn't you get the memo? We got the babies bought NASA! Gruber's millions? I never saw that, but what you're about to go into now is my... I was a Danny Boylehead

in the mid to late 90s. I watched transpotting a million times. Shallow grave, I still think. is amazing, and I've watched it a hundred million times. And then what's the other? Oh, 28 days later. That was the next one, and going back here. So, O2, I think, is the last time there was a truly excellent Danny Boyle movie.

Yes, and 28 days later is phenomenal. Yeah, I do like it a lot. I think Walking Dead should give him like 20 bucks a week. Like, just at the very least. The zombie genre was dead and he brought it back. That's how that worked. And for what it is, the beach is okay. I think the beach is okay.

Oh, that's like the beach. Oh, that's kind of silly. The beach is a great hangover movie. It almost ruined his fucking career, though. It almost ruined Leonardo DiCaprio's career. Oh, Steve just filled Seltzer everywhere. That's awesome. I wish we were filming that on video because it was the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

That was like a fucking rocket. Did you put a Mentos in there? Seriously, I was like, what is he doing over there? That's pretty great. Well, that's fantastic. You're okay to do it. It's like I was just on a water ride. I feel like I was just on a log flume.

And now I'm going to record a fucking pod. Because you just watched yesterday in 4DX. Wetcast. I cannot play. It was like a volcano experiment from grade school. That's what it looked like. Yeah, wow. That's what happens where you take a glass bottle of seltzer and ride it on the fucking subway.

Yeah, it's Wildberry Saratoga Springwater. Oh, interesting. You shake those up, they'll explode on you. Yeah, so, you know, obviously us. saying that brand name is not a plug for them because their product is actually harmed you. And harmed us. Yes. And this episode, too.

And the poor listeners, like, Arvice is talking about yesterday, not an in-studio mishap? Well, as Steve dries off, Chris Cabin, if you could, just quickly distill for folks at home what this movie is. So this guy, he is, wants to be a song, a singer-songwriter. Jack Malick, Jack Malick not

And the heart attack Yeah I kept thinking about Jack Mac So did I Terrence Malick's nephew Actually Everybody somebody

He is about to quit music One night Because he's frustrated Uh huh Gets hit by a All the lights go out All across the world The whole world

There's a rolling blackout A bus hits him Yep You know why though Why Tommy Lee Jones Sending those signals down From

from another movie from this past year. The surge or whatever it's gone. Brad Pitt falls off the world's largest ladder and then nobody remembers the Beatles. Yes. I fucking love that ass. I love that large ladder.

It is great. It is a large ladder and there are other things in the movie that are also good. Well, the fest is changing the world's highest light bulb. But there are like electrical surges on Earth because of Tommy Lee Jones

is space stuff. And that's not a spoiler because that's like the premise of the film. It's like sort of the inciting incident. Right, exactly. So I just, it just seems similar here that all the lights like, well, he wakes up. He learns that Time Lee Jones did it, but also everybody forgets who the Beatles are.

Oh, no. Oh, no. And other silly twists that we will get along on the way. Silly's one word for it. Now, I feel like if you took all the schmaltz out of this screenplay, there's something to be said about things that are going going on in this movie.

And that is two words Richard Curtis, because there was a script for this that had, I think McKenzie Crook was attached to it, which would have been an awful movie. Who's that? That's the original Dwight from the British office, whatever his name is. Oh, sure.

But it was, like, it was him, but it was like he never reached international stardom. It was a much more moderate success and da-da-da-da-da. And it was a little bit more grounded, a little darker. You know what? Some of these songs just wouldn't play out of the blue nowadays. Of course.

Well, that's actually, especially having a hit where it starts out with She Was Just Seven. You're canceled, dude. Yeah, totally, dude. This album is not getting off the ground. That's what I kept on waiting to have. I'm like, nobody would care about the Beatles now. No.

Like, those songs, are you fucking serious? I do think that if you released, in this world, I mean, aside from the butterfly effect of not knowing what the world would look like without the Beatles, which it wouldn't be exactly the same. You know who wouldn't have a career Mr. Ed Shearren in this movie? My fucking God. That is a great point.

But it's also like, so is it a world where the Beatles don't exist? Or is it a world like that because Coca-Cola didn't exist for some reason? It didn't inspire the Beatles. It does seem like all the Beatles are alive. They just never became the Beatles.

That's implied by the twist that we'll get to it. Oh, man. It's like the album coming out now. You were saying. You know, but I just feel like, Like, it would do well. People like, oh, this is kind of cool. It's catchy.

I mean, like, who likes pop rock these days even at all? Like, you know what I mean? Like, people do. Tons of fear. But they do. It would be like number three on the charts. Maybe dominating the world before an album even comes out. You know what exactly would be?

It would be the exact same amount of fame as she and him. It's almost essentially. Like, that is the exact kind of music that they would be making at. If you heard that now. Exactly. It's an adult contemporary, nice. music. But maybe in a world where we never had that pop or whatever. Sure. Like we skipped it. Yeah. And then we

needed it now I guess. Like we went to EDM and death metal out of nowhere. And now we're just like, hey, what did you just? Kind of nice on the guitar instead. Everybody just know who the kinks are? Yes, exactly. Or like the yard birds or something. Or it's a world where the Rolling Stones finally won. But it's a weird, like, also the thing that's totally nonsensical about this is like he's covering the whole catalog. Yes. And it's so songs from the different albums and they're all

I mean you know you folks at home know the Beatles like those albums are all clearly sounding different especially the like the further apart they are but this is all like well it's this whole mixtape that this dude's gonna release and it's all amazing. They would be just as popular if you took away everything that was interesting about them. That's the thing too. What the fuck? It was four guys. They were pretty much an art project too. you know what I mean?

Like how they dress themselves or not how their management dress them or whatever like all that stuff matters and also the harmonies matter and all that's the drugs. The drugs, absolutely the drugs. Jack Malick fucking do some drugs. So tobacco doesn't exist.

That's the thing. Which is like, so no cigarettes exist. So does weed exist? Are people smoking anything? What the fuck? Would America exist with that tobacco? I don't think so. The colonies needed it.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, the world would be incredibly different if cigarettes didn't exist. So, like, the whole plant, like the tobacco plant doesn't exist? Or I guess nobody figured out to make cigarettes out of it. Uh, yeah, we make, uh, shirts and pants out of tobacco now. It's actually... Tobacco shirt. Oh, I'm a chewing shirt.

Those are some fucking pit stains, dude. It always smells. I don't know why. It's like, oh, look, it's Tom Waits. Hi, everybody. It's me. Tom Waits in a world without cigarettes. Hello.

that would be kind of something the piano's been drinking so he wouldn't have been successful so maybe you wake up yeah oh shit and Tom Waits doesn't exist you have to replicate all this songs I don't know everyone it's me

something something else which is what's great about Tom Waits is it sounds already like that already happened like trombone fish Uncle Vernon I guess I guess It is I, 1992 Sexiest Man Alive, Nick Nulte, still sounding totally fine.

Oh, hi, it's me, Michael Madsen. Nice to meet you. I'm an accountant. It's me, Virginia, Madsen. Hi, I'm Elaine Stritch. Lawrence Tierney. Yeah, so this dude, like, starts singing these songs and gets famous off of it. So to backtrack, we open, he's busking, nobody's giving his shit. Rightly so. These songs suck.

Yeah. I mean, I think they're intentionally written to sound terrible. The summer song is like his hit or his jam, I guess. The one that he likes playing the most. It's like we're taking a guy who shouldn't be a musician. Yes. And we're making him a famous musician with this movie. But he really shouldn't.

You told me Ed Scherner, you're talking about it. I agree with you on Ed Shearer. That guy is a fucking wreck. Also, what does that look? Is this? It's like a little Boris Johnson with that hair. Eric, I want you to be honest with me. Is this just because he was in your beloved?

What's my beloved? Game of Thrones. It's right. You know what? The thing is about Ed Sharon is I couldn't tell you a single song. I recognize that putrid face song. So it did kind of take me out of fucking Game of Thrones. Wait, does he get killed on Game of Thrones?

No, he just has a cameo as a Lannister. Yeah, he's just a guy. He's like a Lannister Binerman, like a, like a night or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like hanging out at a campfire. He's like playing a fucking loot or something. Oh, he does play music in it? I think maybe.

That would be great if there's a stinger scene at the end of the whole Game of Thrones thing. And, you know, it's all tonight. I don't even remember the last shot of that show actually at this point. But, you know, we can't remember either. Oh, I think it's John Snow riding to the wildland. That's right. And then we just cut back and he's hanging from a tree. Just because, like, you know, like, I don't know.

I'd be into it. That's how it would. You close that character. Just full of arrows. Like, somehow there's like a hundred arrows in them. It's like, wow, they didn't even take it out and salvage these arrows. Ed really wanted to be in two episodes. He really fought for it.

And we found a way to put him in. That's the last shot. This character, Jack Malick also works at like a cost code type store. Yeah. Stock guy. And like, there's this thing. I mean, and it's, you know, I actually think, like, again, it's Danny Boyle. So it's this opening month.

And I think the end montage, too, are directed really well. Like, you get a sense of this character. It's him. He's got this girl that likes him. And these two, this couple that kind of comes to nothing, they disappear from the movie. They're friends that are couples that are his number one fan kind of a thing. Yeah. Well, one's like, I think, supposed to be their actual friend, like the dude.

Yes. And then the woman or maybe, or whomever. Are they both friends with them? I don't really know. They're not characters. Yeah. And they're like, yeah. And they're like, yeah.

play your song and it's kind of cute and like there's this moment where like it's like you know if you want you could be manager of this Costco place and of course he's like well I don't want to do that you know right yeah play your song you know killing Eve is on in like 30 minutes well dude I was getting flashbacks to like

hey all my friends here's this Facebook invite for this improv show I'm going to do please take time out of your Saturday night to come to this Italian restaurant basement so excited to see you it's 9 p.m. all right really okay cool oh you're not going until 11 we got to go yeah we've got dinner's thing early morning you know yeah no no nothing added on to it just early morning

you know the morning's gonna be tomorrow so well the sun's coming up so you know oh you're going to get brunch now I'm gonna have a day in hang out so Lily James gets him a spot in like this music festival called the Latitude music festival Chris Gavin is this real I think so okay Uh, he's playing like the Suffolk stage, which is just like a tent with like two old people and kids in it. And his friends are there and they're all laughing and having a good time. And here's the thing. Um, why don't you try getting a band? No, because he's so good, except for he's not. Well, you'll have to know more than 12 chords, which is what I'm hearing from this guy for most of this movie.

No solos. No solos. No like picking. Nothing like that. Nothing. Well, yeah, I mean, because Eric's right. He probably should give up. Yes, definitely. I think that's a great. great idea for this guy. There's nothing wrong with giving up, you know? Right. It's a healthy thing in a lot of cases. I used to want to be a doctor. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, and now look at you. Yeah, that's right, dude. You know, all the attorney costs just didn't make sense after a while. No way, dude. All those people you killed. So, you know, it's not a great gig at the festival. He kind of fucking beeps

out and he decides that he's not going to play music anymore. He runs into this roadie character, who I actually think is really funny. This guy Rocky, only consistently entertaining part of the movie is this guy. Joel Fry is the actor's name. I was getting real English TV comedian vibes from this guy. I don't know that I've seen him in anything. I bet him Jim Acosta was in something together.

He did Paddington, too, which people love? Did you just say he was in something with Kevin Costner, Chris? No, like he's like Jim Acosta, like he seems like that kind of level. Jim Acosta? Is that the name? Wait, Jim Acosta, the Florida official? that swept Jeffrey Epstein shit under the rug Oh, is that? Oh, no, I meant...

Jim Acosta, wasn't that him? Yeah, is that... Secretary of Labor or something? Maybe John Acosta. I think this guy, some guy who is on Would you, would I lie to you a lot? I don't even forget his name. I don't even know what the fuck that is.

What are you talking about? It's their old BBC shows. They're all like panel shows that they do. Yeah, this dude apparently was in one episode of Game of Thrones or a couple episodes. He's also in 10,000 BC. My apologies, Jim Acosta is a CNN journalist. Oh, that's right.

But another Acosta is the guy you're thinking of Eric. I believe that's accurate. Let's look it up. Anyway, yes. I'm sorry, I brought it up. Me too. Alex Acosta. Trump's Labor Secretary.

Oh, that guy, yeah, okay. So, yeah, he meets this guy. This guy's like working for the festival. He instantly gets fired, which is kind of funny. He's just kind of like a burnout duffer. his character. And he's great. He's really fun in this movie. And the thing is, here's the thing about Lily James in this movie. She's got to dial the thirst back by like 25 to 40%. But like, or he's got to dial his up. How does he not see the thirst? It's insane. I mean, this woman is

like, he's singing and she is just like playing with her mouth the entire time. And this guy's just like, well, we're good friends. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's insane. It's nuts. I honestly thought that this guy like might be blind or something at first because like how are you missing all those visual cues like there's a part where she's like giving him a ride or something and I swear to God like Lily James has to like look away from him and like bites her fucking lip or something I'm like what is going on that's what she does the entire movie where are all the cutscenes where he's explaining to everybody he's asexual that's what I really want my notes are full of your adults your adults your adults like if you're a teenager and you're oblivious

that's one thing, but you guys, these are like characters in their 20s at least, right? Yeah, they seem like they're in the late 20s because they said, like, high school was like 10 years ago. So that's something, you know, it just, but it's, yeah, exactly. Like at some point, Lily James, just be the person that's like, hey man, I like you. Obviously. But I, this is like long running. He can't be sexual period, I feel. Yeah.

Because like when he goes on tour and he becomes famous, all, he never has sex with any groupies except for he says once, well there was somebody in Moscow that one time which is a total lie yeah are you fucking serious where are the drugs where's the sex where's yelling and drunk the Beatles never did that Chris oh that's right yeah

there were wholesome four wholesome boys John Lennon famously never fucked famously so he says to her in one of the absolute worst lines in the script in reference to like

stopping playing music He goes, we've come to the end of our long and winding road. And, dude, it was like that fucking Monty Python movie. I said to my television, better get a bucket. I'm going to throw up. That's the other thing. It's not bad enough that your friend is obsessed with the Beatles and plays Beatles song. It is quoting the Beatles for every little thing.

Like, oh, where'd you go? Well, I didn't go with Lucy in the sky last night. I was at home. My mother. Oh man, you know what, I think I had a couple too many pints. Baby, you can drive my car. Well, that makes sense. Yours was like, no, I didn't do drugs last night.

I didn't do LSD. I got such what you meant. Yeah. So, yeah, they kind of get into it. And he's like, you know what? I'm just going to go. He's riding his bike home. Well, she says, like, you can't give up.

You can't deprive the world of your genius. I was like, what are we talking about here? That fucking summer song? He's got a song about a dinosaur, too. Oh, the Barney theme song? I don't know. I think it was just a dinosaur. Yeah, it's just called...

Sex dinosaur? But the movie's like, you can't do that. You'd be miserable. You want to play music. And I'm like, you're a genius. It's the thirst talking. And I'm masturbating right now. And he's like, well, that's odd that you're doing that.

I'm leaving this car. What's that? Master Wattin? I've never heard of it. Oh, you got an itch down there, Do you? Huh, weird. I'll talk to you later.

I'll get you some moisturizing cream to actually use for your age. You wake up tomorrow and masturbation never happened. Oh, man. And you have to be the guy that invents it. Well, if you ever want to talk about when Steve would kill himself in a movie. No, well, I would remember. So essentially, nothing would change. But nobody knows.

Would you do the world a solid and teach everyone? No, I would not. Dude, yeah, Steve has to create the J-O-I video. Right, like he uploads a video of yourself, wanking. That's the Britishism for you. Nice, dude. Yeah, I'm trying to pepper it in. Tells his friends, oh, I'm going to go to polish the carrot.

Oh, you have a garden, do you? Wait, no, seriously, you've never heard of polishing the carrot. First of all, I don't announce what I masturbate. Yes, you do. What are you talking about you? Guys, I'm jerking off. All right, enjoy, man. Have a good one.

That's why we started late today. So, yeah, he gets hit by this bus. We're seeing there's a quick montage of like all over the world lights are going out. Yeah. Well, it's all over England and Long Island City specifically. There's at least two shots of Long Island City standing in for the world. Sure. You got like the Eiffel Tower is also featured going out, you know.

But this should take place in America because with the medical. bills, you would have to invent the Beatles. And that's the only way you'd be able to get out of it. The one working light in Russia goes out. They got a few. Oh, yeah, but you're right, though. It's like, oh, fuck, I got, I had to stay in the hospital

for two weeks. Better start the biggest band in the world. Because the only way I'm going to get out of this. I mean, this takes place in the wholesome United Kingdom. I land with absolutely no problem. Well, I mean, they'll definitely get even worse, right?

if they get rid of their health care system. Because this was like, this looked like a vacation being hit by a bus. Well, yeah. What? So did Brexit also go away when this happened? That's a great question.

Well, this movie is so apolitical. A, anything, any kind of conflict aside from, I don't know, the Beatles and like, maybe make too much money is bad. Like, that's all this movie cares about.

Like, tell that to Paul McCartney. Exactly. Fuckers and pig shit luncheons. But that's, there's no. like, what is a political situation in England? You don't know what I mean?

Like, do people give a shit about whatever? Well, I know. You're asking way too much of this movie. A movie in where the Beatles never existed is probably not going to touch on the Brexit issue. Really? Why not? Well, you see, the Beatles, them existing, inspired Brexit. Oh.

It's like Domino's eventually. Oh. Because it gives the British people such a nationalism modern day. I guess that's true. Yeah. Yeah, that would make sense. I made it work. Sure. I'll buy that. I'd buy that for a dollar. Oh, you convinced one person. He wakes up. Yeah, that's what actually I didn't realize. He wakes up and his teeth are all like missing and misshaping stuff. I'm like, oh, man. And then he gets these new teeth. I guess he must be rich. No, you're right, Eric. You just get new teeth on the street in England. They give them to you. Street teeth. Straight teeth, 10-5. I mean, if this movie did realistically, and if we were being realistic,

and it did take place in the United States, he would just be cutting himself in the fucking hospital bed, murdering himself, pouring his blood into like a bedpan. Because you can't afford to live after all this. You're not getting street teeth. This isn't the 28 Days Later version of England at this point? It makes no, yeah, you, would actually like have to have to invent the Beatles or maybe

maybe even the chain smokers possibly well no one's gonna understand what does that name mean because there's no cigarettes oh no the world the world's are the chain smokers oh no are you awsonists or something so the first hint that something might be up is she's like oh I'll be back later and he's like something's like don't come back when I'm 64 whatever she's like why 64 and he's like the fuck you say? I was having the same question. Why is 64? Because

I don't know that lyric. I know the Beatles, but I don't know that lyric. Eric, didn't the Beatles change your life? Just the mere fact that the Beatles even existed. You don't know the song when I'm 64? Nope. What? It could be no for me, Doug. Wow, weird. Fucked. Hey, Eric, did you get hit by a bus

recently? I don't know, man. Where's the nurse? Oh, I saw her standing there. The fuck do you just say that? I would say, if you made that Beatles joke to me. I would say what the fuck did you just say to me? Even though I would get it, I'd be annoyed that you did it. Like, why are we making jokes about Beatles songs?

Also, because I feel like if you're going to set this up, that he's like this, you know, beetle obsessive person, he's got to be playing covers when you see him playing these gigs. That was all of a sudden, he's just talking about the Beatles later and you're like, why wouldn't he incorporate that into his music? Even when you see his room, it doesn't have

like Beatles paraphernalia in it. I either, which is kind of odd. And he remembers all the lyrics eventually of all the songs. Yes. That's what a crazy person does. He has some trouble with Eleanor Rigby, right? A little bit of trouble with Elinor Rigby. That's like the conflict of the film.

Pretty much. I don't remember the lyrics to Eleanor Rigby, the central fucking conflict. So he gets out of the hospital eventually and his friends take him out for a drink. And it's actually, it was kind of a nice gesture. They'd buy him a new guitar because his others were smashed in the accent. And he's got these fancy new fucking street teeth, man. Just gorgeous. I don't think he has the teeth at this part because the dude is still making fun of him.

Oh, okay. And I got really anxious because I'm like, am I going to have to watch this whole movie with those fucking teeth gone? Yeah, I thought that as well. But then I was like, no, he becomes a huge star at some point. So at some point, he's getting his face fixed. They also surgically removed his beard. Shaving. Yeah.

Is that what it is? Surgically removed. Well, like, could you imagine? Like you'll never grow a beard again Like a doctor saying the prognosis On your beard If they have to shave you in America It's like $600

It's like a bill for $600 Hospital shave I'd charge someone $600 if I'd just shave them I'd be a terrible barber So they're like oh here's your new guitar Is a gift like why don't you play something Play something play something And he plays yesterday

And they're all like Oh my God This woman starts crying like The woman of the couple is like That's the most beautiful song I've ever heard in my life. Oh, yeah, and all the benches are ruined at this picnic table.

Because, and again, like, it's a great song. I'll even call it it. It's an excellent song, of course it is. But you wouldn't stop what you're doing and be like, I mean, it's just a little much. What is this enchanting melody from another plane of existence?

They might, because in this world, the only musical acts that exist are fucking him, is him, Ed Sheeran and Coldplay. Yeah, that's true. That's it, apparently. And if that was true... I'd be trying to be hit by a bus. That was true, I would be just blown away

by someone singing yesterday on acoustic guitar. So he's like getting all frustrated and whatnot because they're like, when did you write that? And he's like, I didn't write that. Paul McCartney wrote that. And they're like, who? What is this? What's the beat? And he thinks that they're fucking with him. Sure. And this is where it's like,

you could take this movie and they could turn into a crazy ass twilight zone type thing especially with two characters that we meet a little later you could really put some fucking you know teeth on this movie and you can

still have it be sweet but like have a little bit of bite to this you know what I mean like it's just too much sweetness exactly so he goes home and he's Googling the Beatles and it just keeps like reverting him to the Wikipedia entry for Beatles yeah

the bug And then he also looks up 08. For some reason, David Bowie still exists. All these other bands exist. But for whatever reason, the only band that would not exist because the Beatles would be Oasis, question mark. And I know that they were heavily influenced, but like so was everybody else. Either influenced by, I'm going to do the exact opposite of what those fucking clowns are doing, like David Bowie. Right.

Or like, you know, or directly like, I want to try and do what the Beatles are doing. Or influence it one way or another. Orr would have been an experimental electronic band. Exactly. But wait, you're saying the movie says that Oasis does not exist? It does not. He also looks up Oasis that it's not there for some reason. Oh.

No, no, I was just to say, why not put Wonderwall in your fucking album then? Who cares? Exactly. That would be another one. Because he also even says that like the way him and Lily James got together as friends was a grade school or high school talent show. And again, he's playing Wonderwall. You don't hear it.

You just sort of see it. And this like, again, this 15-year-old actress is like, oh, my God. Oh, my fucking Jesus Christ, it's going to happen. So what happened in this reality that Oasis didn't exist? Did you play Basketcase by Green Day? Definitely. It's like, here's a selection of my favorite album, Dookie. Or Harvey Danger, dude.

Oh, fuck, Flagpole Sita. Oh, wow, yeah, Harvey Mania. It happened. but actually the second time you see them go back to that talent show or whatever you do hear him singing it oh do you okay yeah yeah yeah because i remember thinking like oh i want to put on what's the story morning glow after this um what it would be really funny is if he was like paul mccartney wrote that song and they were like that guy from that band wings that would be great no beetles but wings still on top all right band on the run i love it it's fucking excellent or what if paul is dead oh i think that's what happened oh i think that's what happened Yeah, because he's not in the movie. Maybe he released RAM at least. I'd be okay with that.

Oh, sure. Paul and Linda got RAM out. That would be totally fine. Was that a truck they did? Yep. Paul McCartney album. Never heard it. It's Dodge Tough.

So he's like, I've got an idea. And he like is going to, he gives up on previously giving up music. I'm going to start playing Beatles songs. There's a fun, charming scene with him and his parents. He wants to play. you know he wants to play uh something uh no he's trying to play let it be let it be that's right you thought this was charming i thought it was fucking obnoxious it well no it's not charming in quotation marks

because it's like he's gonna play it and then his parents are like being annoying and they're like talking over him a neighbor comes over multiple neighbors come over there's poppins they're doing the poppins man poppins with neighbors you can get right out of here but is this like this is like the tea time scenario is this what i've heard of i mean i think with those weird door knobs that they have in England, anyone can just come in your house. What weird doorknobs! You watch an English television show, doorknobs are all out of sorts. They're in the center of the door.

It's a latch sometimes. They are anti-door knobs in that country. It drives me fucking crazy. Steve, Sherlock isn't a different time, you see. It's like, oh, come on into my house, jazz. And it's like this fucking little slack that he's opening up. Yes, I do understand where you're talking about. Although, Steve, too, put you at ease.

I was just in London a couple months back. And you know what? For all the weird doorknobs, way more normal doorknobs. Okay, all right. So it's okay. I remember what you're saying, but for the most part,

that plague is being eradicated. So wait, like the weird doorknobs or like King Arthur put them in? It's like old in time, right? Yeah, well, no, I think that was part of Brexit. It was like we are leaving the EU and we're changing our doorknops to normal. All right, guys.

Our culture is being changed. Doorknob fascists. Oh, I like my doorknob in the middle of door, isn't it? Put it up on top. I can do it. I like doorknobs on the bottom left corner. That's where a doorknob ought to be. My doorknob's just a rope and a horse puts its mouth around it and walks backwards, and that's how the door opens.

Oh, the door knob is inside. All right, all right. That's a quick one, my boy. Do English people can come to America's? Oh, it's too easy. Look at it's right there. It's like a baby game. No challenge to open this door.

Why, put all the doors on easy level? That's a great point because, I mean, before there were doorknobs, British people had to answer riddles and stuff. Yeah, that makes sense. Get anywhere. Yeah. Oh, man. So, like, he gets these songs going and, like, he lays down some Beatles tunes at this, like,

shitty recording studio. Yeah, some guy discovers him. Like, I think Lily James finds, oh, this. This guy, Gareth, who becomes a character, or Gavin, I think. Gavin. He plays some gig. He's playing a gig at a bar, and the guy at the bar is like, I have a little studio in my back, come and record these shitty songs, and then, you know, we'll get going, I guess.

Yeah, so he lays down like five songs here. It's tracks on the tracks is the name of the studio, because the gag is, it's a recording studio right on train tracks. And here's a problem is, like, you were talking about good montages in general. Yeah. This one, I'm like, I get it. You don't have to go. This is going on for 10 minutes.

Oh, they're recording all the songs. It's so cute. It's so they're putting on rubber gloves. They're like clapping and all that stuff. They're having, listen, guys, they're having a great time. You can just see the fun they're having. Trains going by. Be careful.

Stop for a second. Okay, now do the fun song again. It must be hard for Lily James to perform when she's so massively horny this entire film. I know I can't do it. She's always like, hanging on to a ledge and like just squeezing it a little bit. I'm sorry, this performance is bat shit. It's the horniest performance I've seen this side of pornography.

Is this why I liked it? I think it might be. So with this like newfound EP that he's cut, he's on like a closed circuit television station for the Costco company, because it's like a dude. Oh, right. At the store, like, because they're all dressed in the same uniform. and he's like, it's not Costco, but it's some sort of like bulk store it looks like.

And it's like the television network that it runs. And he's like, so you're a stock boy here. That's cool. Let's play a song for us. Oh, that's great on this stockroom TV or whatever. And then Ed Shearhan sees this. Yes, because it's like local. Oh, yeah.

Like, local enough. You know, to the town kind of broadcast or whatever. And Ed Shearren calls him. He thinks it's a prank call. Oh, right. Tells him to go fuck himself. Because, oh, my God, who Ed Sheeran called you? Could you imagine, Chris, if Ed Shearan called you?

Could you even imagine it? My heart would stop. I'd send that fucker right to voicemail. Eric, it's Ed Shearin again. Just trying to touch bass. I really need you to pick up the phone, man. You know why. Hello, this is Ed Shearan.

I'm calling you about your auto insurance. Is you doing like robocalls? So, yeah, so Ed Shearin, He goes up at his house in the middle of the night. Terrifying. He fucking puts his hand in the middle of the door and opens it wide. Imagine that you open the door, a night Frodo is coming into a house.

Yeah, you can't let those in. They're just scared. It is. It's like a, he's like a dark hobbit, like an evil hobbit or something. Can't feed those night photos after midnight, dude. Oh my God, he looks like it could spawn by itself. Ed Shearin. It's just a nasty looking visage.

Come on my. I don't like him. Come on tour with me, my precious. So he says, hey, man, we had somebody back out of the opening slot for the tour. Yeah. We're going to Moscow in the morning. Like, do you want to come, you know, play for me, open the show? Do I have to sign a contract?

No, no, no, no, no, you don't have to do that. What's the money situation? Ah, we'll figure it out on the plane. It's a multi-million dollar deal, but whatever. We'll get you a couple hundred. And he goes, he's super excited. and he goes to L's apartment and he's like, oh man, I get

to go to Moscow tomorrow. You're coming, right? You're my manager, my Rody, my all this stuff. And she's like, well, no, I teach class, blah, blah, blah. She's a math teacher, as they say. Well, she's on leave for horniness. She should be, like Colin sick. I was placed on administrative leave

due to constant horniness. This complete moron saying the Beatles for me and I have to stay home for a week. I'm sorry. My knees won't stop shaking. Speaking of leave, Eric brings up a good point. As I understand it, in the UK, you get 15 weeks off a year. Is that how that works?

I don't know if that's accurate. So there's 52 weeks a year. Whatever half of that is. You work two days a week. You got a lot of leave because, again, your country is more socialist than ours, therefore smarter. This lady could take a week off and be like, I'm. let us see what's good. I don't know if it's that easy for a fucking teacher.

You can't just leave in the middle of the school year. Just get fucking missed his downfire in, teach a class or two. Like, it doesn't matter. School doesn't. Yeah, Ed Shearing comes in. Hello, deities. Man, put a rubber mask on that guy. I'm in love with your body, children.

So we cut to, he's on a. plane with Rocky. Yeah, he takes his buddy there. It's like Ed Shearin's private jet. Now, here's the thing. You guys pointed it out, and I just read it completely wrong, but the woman, there's a flight attendant who comes up to them, and she's

like, oh, would you like some champagne? And Rocky takes a glass, and he's like, uh, uh, uh, what's his face? What is his character's name? Rocky is the, no, no, Jack. Jack. Yeah. This is a fucking person who is leading this movie. Jack Terrence Malik. Right. Jack is like, oh, do you have some Coke? And she's

like, what? And there's this long pause and he's like, oh, I'll just have a Pepsi then. I thought they were making a really lame like, it's a rock stars plane. She thinks he's asking for some fucking cocaine. I think that's also the joke there. I think that is there. Because he's already he's already done the Coke joke ones because he asked for it somewhere else. Yeah. Oh, does he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I totally missed that then. He even Googles it. Coca-Cola doesn't exist in this movie so we can get the lead characters to say Coca-Cola five to ten times. And Pepsi. But that's the weird thing. Big soda, man.

If you're the Pepsi Corporation's like, oh, there's a wonderful movie wherein since Coca-Cola exists, anyone would want a Pepsi. Excellent. Number two becomes number one, finally. What a win for Pepsi. We've won, fellas. All it took was this fictitious global blackout. Cigarettes inspired the guy that invented Coca-Cola.

I see. And Coca-Cola inspired the Beatles. Right. The end. What about cocaine? What's the story with cocaine? I think it might still exist. And it inspires a lot of people.

No, dude, because like the indigenous of South America never thought to fucking do anything with it. No, Neil Young still exists. That's going to say. He exists, but if you watch the last waltz, he doesn't have that fucking booger sugar hanging out. I was saying, you can take the Beatles out of the music land. landscape and it would be very different.

You take cocaine out of the music landscape? I don't know what you would have left. There's no music. Like James Taylor, maybe. It's all big band music. It's bad elevator music. But it's not elevator music of Beatles songs like you will normally find me.

It's just pleasant melodies. And Ed fucking Shearin. Somehow. What is with that guy? How can you be so lame? I don't know. That dude needs to do drugs. or almost die. He needs to have some type of

life experience. That would be nice other than going on Game of Thrones. He's smelling about it. That's it. What? That's a song. Shape of I'm in love with the shape of you. Your body. It's on my sheets. It's like we fucked last night and my sheets smell like the fuck. Wait, hang on a second.

So Steve Sannick, are you saying right here and now that you know an Ed Shearing song? I know one. There's one very popular one. You've heard it for sure. What is it? Shape of you. In the shape of you, you have heard somewhere. He's singing about sheets? Yeah. It's like, oh, my sheets look like you love.

I'm in love with your body. Oh, oh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh. Something tells me that's not how it sounds. Look at the ass groove you left at the couch. Ooh, let's write a song. So he's singing about like that whole that Mrs. Bates leaves in the fucking

match. And that was his main inspiration was Mr. Bates. Taking you to the fruit cellar because I'm a nice fella. So apparently he's done rap music. Yeah, he does a joke here with the Rody character and him. They go back and forth on the plane. Do you know the rap?

Yeah. No, I don't. Oh, no, I don't know the rap. I was just like, this was a thing. Apparently, this was like a controversy. He's done songs where he also is like, he's kind of rhyming in them. Or, like, does guitar as like the beat kind of thing. That is stupid.

Cannot name that. I just know the main song, yeah. That's the song that was everywhere for a couple years ago. Oh, actually, I have. heard of that song. The title is The utmost dumb fuckery. So what is the thing about combing your hair completely over your face?

Well, it's... What is that? It's the cousin It look, and it's going very well in the UK. He looks like he should be leading an emo band in 2002. Yes. And that's that. Yeah, he does. I mean, he's all acoustic, by the way. Is that a thing? No, I think he's got a band. I don't know.

I think he can play them all on the acoustic, but... I see. So he's playing. playing this show in Moscow. And for some reason, Jack decides to sing back in the USSR, which is the... A, it would not drive the crowd wild.

I feel like it wouldn't even land. It would not be fucking stabbed in the parking lot. I was like, wow, this is a fucking choice, buddy. Like, sing fucking Blackbird. You know what I mean? Like, that would bring the house down. But back in the USSR also doesn't... Like, it also, like, the idea

that the songwriting is so good. He's singing about... oppressive regime. Yay. 30 years. I mean, you know, maybe, you know, I'm sure there's people that yearn for the days of the Soviet Union, but at the same time, that is a simple ass song. There's not a lot to it. Exactly. And it doesn't, look, the songwriter is so good. Oh my God, that's fucking amazing. Like, it was big when it came out because the fucking USSR still stood. And the whole song is, I'm glad to be back in the USSR so I can fuck all

the Russian women. That's essentially the message of the song. You don't know how lucky you are, boy. in the U.S.S. I'm sorry. No, it's, it's an odd choice. And it's crazy that they go ape shit over it. They're embarrassed it this fucker. Putin is just going to send one of his hitters there just to get it done. Totally. You're not getting out of that club. The doors are locked and it's being set on fire. It seems like a divisive type of song to play. It's like going to Yugoslavia and talking about Tito or something. Which some people will love and some will not. Hey, uh, hey, Jack, I heard your track. It's amazing back of the U.S. Noton here. I was in the crowd for the Ed Sheeran show, and you were amazing, man. I don't know how, but I got my girlfriend here, too. We're hanging out, and that was a hell

of a set you just did. Yeah, I'm going to get back to my total underground department, and I'm going to post on the dark web my review of your show. Shockler Blue, you're not doing that, too you do the dishes. Oh, I'm going to tell my friend Stephen Seagal and my friend Gerard de Perdue about you because they're going to love this song they're going to love this shit yeah De Pardy that's what I call them these days

he's a big fan of acoustic songs it's going to be a lot of fun Snowden I don't know man back at the USSR that's a little reductive Zootelot why would you sing about this fallen political empire it makes no sense

Oh, U.S.S.I. That's when a sex slave's come from. Could I be your manager? I'm going to be Ed Schnoedon, your manager. Only if you're playing songs in Russia. So whatever. They go apes shit. We're hanging out at like a club or backstage or something after the fact. This songwriting contest, I don't know what the fuck it is. It just drives me nuts.

It's really uncomfortable. Shearin, who's feeling like this big because this dude fucking killed it at this concert, he's like, you know, threatened by him. And he's like, all right, man, we're going to have a fucking songwriting off. This is pathetic. They should do West Side Story dance writing if that's what we're going with. And he's like, so you go in that room, I'm going to go in this room. You get 10 minutes to write a totally original song.

And we're going to perform it in front of this group of people. and whoever wins is the best songwriter in the world. After you do a concert and you put it, you put it, you put your all into it. You're up there, you're on stage, you're sweating. It's a huge thing. Immediately afterwards, you like to do a free concert. Oh, for sure. A private, and to work to write a song in 10 fucking minutes.

But it doesn't make any sense. He's like, it can't be a song you've written before. And this guy's like, okay. Like, yeah, of course he's got to use another song that he's written. And obviously, the long and winding road is going to be, I swear I'm not Frodo. An original track by Ed Shearin that was on the soundtrack. He sings some penguins song? Anyone get this?

Well, because I think the whole idea is like it's just supposed to be garbagey sounding lyrics because he's making stuff off. No, it's just because it's Ed Shearant. Who is a penguin? Yeah, I think so, right? He's from the north. Is it South Pole? Or is the North Pole? I think he's one of those South Pole penguins you hear so much about.

He does seem like a consiguanian. of Santa Claus in some way. Some kind of go between in the North Pole. Right. Or like he could be like, you know, like one of these elves that want to usurp. Oh, definitely. So he can like You look at that guy. I could be in between. See the elf coming off his lips, easy.

Head of the elf union, head shiren. I got to tell you, Santa, they're looking for an eight-hour workday here. Oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh, oh, uh. I'm a love with the cookies and milk. that's like his song is that a song that's his song is that the one about the the shape of you

the fucking the sheep sheets sheets yeah sorry that was a Freudian slip so yeah Ed Sharon sings a penguin song it's met with mixed reviews I guess

and then so this one it's like get the fuck off the stage a cigar might like that one actually he loves penguins yeah I love eating them for dinner. Penguin barbecue, yeah. He just takes one and like dips it in, skeleton out.

Yes. Like a cartoon cat. Can I get a penguin medium rare with some barbecue sauce? No, alive. There has to be alive. Yeah, so then he comes out. He sits at the piano. He sings at the long and winding road. Everybody in the bar comes. And like, they're supposed to do like, you know, a clap off.

And then like, Ed Sheard is so disgusting. with himself. He's like, no, that won't be necessary. Yep. That will not be necessary. It would be great if this guy caused Ed Sheeran to hang himself. That would be so cool. Then he would A. bring stakes to the film. He could use one of those middle doorknobs.

But it would be a thing where he would feel like, oh my God, my lie has now I have blood on my hand. Absolutely. Because I pretended everything was so easy for me. Tragedy out of Moscow this morning. Ed Sheeran after rightfully losing a songwriting contest.

Ended it all, using one of those weird middle door knobs. Jack's coming back from the stage and it's like trying to open his door and it won't open. Oh, nice. But also, and like, what if, oh, shit, what if they're like, Edsharing today, dead in Moscow. Some believe he was, he committed suicide, other suspect foul play from the Putin Ritchie. The war starts. World War III because of Ed Shearin.

Because people love Ed Shearin. They do. We're having a bit of a laugh. I'm sure he's a fine chap. Okay, folks. I'm sure you're calm down. I'm sure at least half of your doorknobs are normal. I'm sure at least half.

News out of Moscow today, a light hit Ed Shearin and he turned into a puddle of goop with bones in it, much like the gremlin of yours. Ed Shearin, noted vampire, dead today at 400. Hardly enough, all of the security tapes outside of the insurance hotel room were missing or destroyed. Some suspect foul play. Accidentally written over is the word from the prison system today. Alex Acosta, I'm going to have to ask you to sweep this edge here and be under the rug, right, right under the latch, whatever doorknob they have.

It is important to mention, by the way, when he is singing back in the USSR at this concert, there is a dude in the back of the auditorium who's just like standing staring at him you don't really know what's going on Oh of course yeah It's like long after the club is cleared out This dude is just like staring at the stage Like kind of crying

That's where they leave it for now Yeah and at this point Kate McKinnon shows up We have to talk about her in this movie Here's the thing I really love Kate McKinnon She is out of place in this movie She's not good

I think it's a bad performance It's a poorly written role But it's also like She needs to dial it back And I do like her on Saturday Night Live fine I have no like real like longstanding grudge against her I think she's really really funny It's just not the right movie for her

Or it's well I think she's playing it a certain way That no one else is playing it She heard the she heard the premise and thought it was stupid Which I understand you want to play a fun Dumb character in it But no everyone else is like Treating it like the fucking Bible She's playing her normal Kate McKinony

cartoon character kind of performance. It's the role where you're actually going after the music industry and like she's meaner than the rest of the movie like by quite a margin. Because she's supposed to be a yank. Yes, I guess that's also a point. But like if that was the movie you wanted

to make, you could make it. But this movie is mostly not about the music industry. No, it's not. It thinks it is and then it stops being about that for like an hour so we can have this romance bullshit. But like this part of it, you're right. This character, if played differently would be lampooning that

but she's too silly so you don't take her serious and she keeps saying like these aside things that are like one of those like those kinds of jokes where like it would stop a real conversation dead like yeah oh you're like wait what did you just say exactly wait hold on we're going to talk about that for a long time yeah I mean because she's she's

like constantly like right from the jump like attacking like the way he looks and she's like you know is this the best you can look like those kinds of comments also this guy is gorgeous and he's standing next to Ed Shearin who is apparently like Who's a fucking heartthrob in this alternate universe?

Danny DeVito? Like, what are we talking about? Rieger, come to bed. Could you be shorter by the chance? They should have gone into, they should have made this whole thing in comedy. They should have, and McKinnon would have worked there. Fucking have Will Ferrell be the guy

that remembers fucking Beatles songs. Like, it is such a ridiculous premise and it should be treated like such. Yeah, I mean, and if you want to, again, like, it's all about him and Lily James. it's not really about him dealing with the music industry there's like three scenes and they play for zero laughs this is the first one she meets him

she actually looks are great blah blah blah but oh my god that music this and the other thing you need to come to America with me and I'm going to make you a huge star yeah she's like you know you're going to come to Los Angeles we're going to record stuff we're going to put it out you're going to make a bunch of money I'm going to make a bunch of money and that's how this is going to work look Ed Shearing just I hate to be the one to tell you this

Ed Sharon was so distraught about the songwriting contest. He killed himself. So the tour is over. It just, it's a... So we're going to go to Los Angeles. When he needed to get out of Moscow immediately... When he heard your lyric that she was just 17, he cried.

So it was so good. And he realized you could never top. On its face, that lyric is so good. Just that part. Well, that's... My favorite part maybe of this whole movie is Ed Sheeran saying, like, I guess I'm the Salieri here. I'm like, give me a fucking...

Oh, right. After this contest, he's like, yeah, like Steve said, he's like, there's no voting, no applause. You are Shakespeare. I am clearly Salieri. Does anyone have an electrical cord? I'm just going to have to go back to my three houses. Mozart and Solieri. Right. Oh, Mozart. So Mozart exists, but Beethoven never exists. And when I say that, I mean the dog. Oh, no, that dog franchise? No, in this world, it's won Academy Awards. well no because in the original Beethoven movie he does get shot to death by the mob which is definitely very much on the table in that film. Those sequels got weird too

like Beethoven's 9th gate Beethoven's having sex where the woman is the fucking devil comes back at the end Beethoven is transcribing ancient satanic texts. Weirdly Roman Polanski directed all the Beethoven movies he never had to flee to Europe well actually

Beethoven's bitter moon Here's the thing, no Beatles, no helter-skelter, what does Charles Manson do in this universe? Dude, the film yesterday lives on top of the universe of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, I think is what is interesting. Now he's governor Charles Manson. Right, that's me, Charles Manson. You know, I think California's got a lot of good things going for it. But you know, there's some areas we can improve. And I'm your guy, Chuck Manson.

That piece of shit, Jerry Brown knows what he to eat. Man, it was so embarrassing when Schwarzenegger lost so badly to Charles Manson. No, he's a totally normal guy, except for some reason he still has the swastika tattoo on his square. Well, I mean, it is

2019. Oh, that's easy. We could be a more responsible Republican body would not have swastika's tattooed on our foreheads. So very quickly, we cut to another incredibly

uncomfortable moment. His goodbye party in where he finds himself in his attic bedroom with Lily James who's wasted and she's doing this like, why didn't you ever love me? And it's like, it's also I mean, A, it's totally on him and

A, B, you should have either made your move or gotten over it. Should have got off the pot. Exactly. It's been 10 years of this nonsense. She's like, you didn't love me. Yeah. And she's like looking at, he's got like little sticky notes of all the song titles.

And she's like, why couldn't I be in your love column? Then, like, the parents intervene, like, oh, someone wants to give a toast to you. Like, oh, am I interrupting something? And this is incredibly uncomfortable. Whatever, come back downstairs. And, like, he's like, I'm so shocked by this information. I don't even know what to do. And I'm like, I don't know, you're 28 years old.

You should understand how to react to this. Yeah, it's like, oh, my God, someone likes, like, wait, whoa, wait, whoa, like likes me. Just make these characters 12. Wait, wait, wait, you like like me on the eve of my 30th birthday? Oh, Lily, James, I thought you were just a figment of my imagination that I was talking to all the time. Let me tell you something, Chris Cabin, way too late in this movie. And I'm talking like, well after scenes where this, her character has interacted with other people. I was like, is she fake?

Because I just totally forgot what was going on in the movie. And I was like, is she a figment of his imagination? Coming this summer, Lily James is the horny. ghost. Oh, yeah. Directed by Richard Curtis. It actually makes sense. Yeah, yeah.

Totally. Or directed by Jim Belushi. Ed Sheeran would be a horny ghost, too, with that fucking song you told me about it. That's right. Smelling all those sheets. Smelling sheets and stuff? What a creep.

This is where he also has the quick line of like, wow, I'm so stressed. Like, I picked a terrible time to stop smoking cigarettes or something. That's kind of a route to. Oh, right. Yes. Oh, that's after he goes to L.A. Yeah, well, so he asked somebody for a cigarette and, like, What's a cigarette?

And like the gag Ask Rocky. At the motel At the motel when they're in L.A. The gag every time is whenever one of these new things comes up, you Google it and nothing.

And like a city in France shows up or something like that. Oh right. So drop cigarette city, actually. Drop the beetle nonsense and invent cigarettes. You'd be a trillionaire. Yeah.

That's true. You'd be doing so well. I mean, you'd get me to North Carolina immediately. You'd parlay that fucking beetle money you make into buying a fucking tobacco farm in North Carolina.

Yep. And also, the thing is, like, it would take people at least 20 to 30 years to realize how horrible cigarettes are. By that point, you're in your 60s, it's fine. Yeah, you could become the palpeteen of Earth. Exactly. And you stuff, you know, the lobbyists and the politicians' pockets enough.

The cigarettes will be around forever. Yeah, exactly. I mean, like, yeah, it took really the world, like, 200 years to figure out how bad cigarettes were. And they're not going anywhere, buddy. No. I mean, Lily James, leaves and he's stuck in his room saying, oh, I kind of have to have a wank and then

his mo's says, what's it? Oh, Ben. What's he ain't? A wank? What's that? He goes on Pornhub and invent... Wait, no, that wouldn't exist either. He invents porn hub. He invents wanking. That's lucrative. All right, out of care of. He gets all the money from all those

banners. Could you patent doing something to your own body? Exactly. In our universe, which is the one true real universe. Yeah. Who invented masturbation? No, because you could you would like, it has to be called mallocing now. Oh, dude. I'll tell you, there's

jacking. No, you jacked off. Oh, of course. That's totally checks. Getting there's Maliksoft. Then he would write a memoir called The Life's Wank. Right.

I mean, and to answer Steve's question, obviously, masturbation was invented a long time ago by an ape-like ancestor of ours. Sometime like the 1800s, I think. Master Beticus. The guy who invented Coca-Cola. In the 1800s also invented masturbation.

You know, I was, the other day, I had one of those hard knobs. Oh, yes, we get those hard knobs all the time. We're terrible, terrible. You know, I was fiddling with it. And at the end of it, felt pretty good. So, I don't know. Is it something we do when you got a hard knob? Fiddle with it.

It feels pretty good. Is that how they designed the door, so we'll put the knob in the middle just because my knobs in the middle? So he goes to L.A. And we see Kate McKinn's, like, insane beach house that she has. And she's still being this, like, mustache twirling, like, you know, you're going to have to, you're going to, you're going to do you want the poison chalice of money and fame? Yeah. Get that line the fuck out of here. It's not Kate McKinn's fault, but get that line the fuck out of here.

Would you like me to say the subtext up front? It's just so bizarre. And he's like, he's like, I want the chalice, miss. Yeah. And it's like, whatever. like you cut to this is it's a fucking dumb montage right here because she's she reveals the strategy and it's like all right we're going to take those songs that you recorded we're just going to release them on the internet you know get some buzz going oh yeah I forgot about and so it's this

montage of him like it's just the actor in front of a green screen looking at the internet and he's just watching like clicks happen and he's getting like views and likes all to carry the Wade is being played. And I like Danny Boyle, but this is Danny Boyle horseshit. Because he will veer into Danny Boyle horseshit. Yep. Like that scene in the beach when Leonardo DiCaprio becomes a video game. Yeah.

Like he always, because Danny Boyle is a guy that like, you know, he was a young director and made all these like really exciting young movies. And he got older and he's like, well, I have to like always stay relevant. And like, so he's like, this is like him being like, this is Instagram. This is what's like, man. And it's like when it's all coming at you at once. And it's identical to the scene. scene in fucking emoji movie where they go

to see YouTube. It's like absolutely true. It's the same exact fucking scene. Oh, dude. What if Danny Boyle saw the emoji movie and ripped it off? Oh, that's my number four favorite movie the decade emoji movie. Oh, you know, I was watching yesterday

and I noticed some similarities between this film and the film where I did the voice of poop. Does anyone remember when I did the poop emoji? They both stunk. Also, like, the weird thing about, like, the whole premise of this movie, wouldn't you live

in existential terror that you were in a parallel universe? That's what I'm talking about. Like, that's why this movie has no fucking teeth on it. Dude, it's like a 90-year-old man gum and an apple. Like, it just has nothing. And that's, I'm sitting here watching this movie waiting for him to go fucking crazy. Exactly. You would be like, oh, fuck.

Hey, when is it going to happen again? When do I leap back? Yes, yes. which never happens, which is insane. I know it's a spoiler, we're jumping ahead, but like this reality never undoes itself. Yes. Which makes no sense.

And there's never any explanation, no gin or anything like that. Yeah, tell me where Snowk came from. It would kind of make sense. Even in a liar, liar kind of way, if he blows on a fucking can, like, oh, I wish I was the biggest musician in the world. Because that would make, like, anything.

Because that's what this movie, this movie is essentially like a magic body, swap, wishmaking, whatever the fuck kind of movie. And sometimes the thing with those movies is that world building is usually where you get your big laughs. It's like exploring the world. This has no interest in the world other than

how it makes his life get better. And like there is another thing you could do here where like now musicians all of them, popular musicians say, wait, tend to have their songs written by other people. There's a connection here where you might be able to talk about something in

the industry here. But fuck it. Yeah, he could have just written songs for Ed Shearan. Yeah, that would make a lot of sense. Just send him the long and winding road. Yep. You don't think he's going to pay for that? Yeah, like this one's yours, buddy. Like, take it and that's your career.

Or something, you know what I mean? But there's nothing. There's like this montage of him watching these clicks and shit. And then so he can't remember the lyrics to Eleanor Rigby is like his big stumping thing. So he comes up with this idea. He's like, hey, Kate McKinnon. I know this movie just got to Los Angeles and we had like half a scene here. But I got to go back to England because I have to go to Liverpool.

Yeah. You know, this fucking sight of it all, man. You know, the ground zero of Beatlemania to just like look at the landmarks and I guess be inspired to remember the lyrics. I suppose. Right. Because Eleanor Rigby has a headstone there and he walks through. There's an old field. Right.

And there's an old. And I guess because he wants, if he's going to premiere those songs, he needs to have some type of. connection to the place you can't just can't just sing about a random thing on google maps i guess i guess so yeah but then he starts being followed by a british woman yes an older british woman who is like i think i was i thought he was i was going to stab him yeah i thought to too because she and the russian guy are the two most fucking interesting characters in the movie and i want their movie and like you keep like oh shit what is going on maybe she knows maybe she's going to kill him yeah yeah or maybe there's something going on like you know maybe she maybe she is like the the the the the

the ruler of this reality, the architect, as he's a mad scientist. Yeah, or like she knocks him out and drags him to the master, and the master is the ruler of this reality. It's Ringo Star on a throne. Fuck, yeah. And then he has to fight all of his royal guards. Well, well, well, looks like somebody's been having some fun. Oh, I think you'll find it's quite operational.

Nobody thought I'd be the last one. But I am the last one. Do they go to his fucking hideout or whatever? And he's like, welcome to the octopus's garden. Oh, now young Jack Malick, you will die. Don't striking it with purple lightning. But it's out of his fucking little circular sunglasses. Absolutely.

As he's killing him, he keeps going, peace and love. Peace and love. It's how I sign off all my tweets and how I'm. kill off all me enemies. I see more of like him as the architect from the Matrix. Yeah. And he has all the TVs and it's just all

the movies he's appeared in. Here's where I was a caveman. I was the Pope and Listermania. Oh, that's right. That over there's me Simpsons' appearance. I got fly the damn. Yeah. So he goes there.

Oh, Lily James shows up. They have this drunken night where they're getting fucking. slam shit wreck dude it's one of those things where i was like already feeling their hangover i was like what the fuck are you like they're closing down this bar and what is it he's he they order or whatever because she's like last call and he's like oh we could get out of here and she's like what if instead we just sat here and drank brandy for the rest of the night i was like oh my head my god brandy with fries you are asking for it and they wind up in his hotel room

making out hard, they're on the bed. And again, the thing is, like, there's this really cool, and it's good Danny Boyle directing. The TV is, like, white because, like, whatever, they paused it on or whatever. And, like, he's cutting between those two things and, like, when they're making out, they're in front of this weird white space.

It's interesting-looking. A lot of things are this weird, totally interesting-looking. It's why it's almost even more frustrating that these are in this movie, because you're just being reminded of, like, shit he's capable of. And then Lily James separates. It's like, no, no, no.

we have to get the three seashells first she also has kind of a vibe in this movie it's like no you have to leave your career if you want to be with me well it's really bizarre because in the beginning he's like I don't want to do this anymore I just want to pee a teacher because

this career just like no you're a genius and then when he exhibits genius the character changes totally and she's like well because you're so famous you would never want to be with me it's like well what don't they make out here and you know also

After all that brandy, nothing is going to happen anyway. So you might as well like make out, go to bed. And then like tomorrow you get breakfast. And you sort of plan out like, we're going to be in a long distance relationship because this is important to me. Like it's so easy to do. But he is incapable of doing all of that. And I think her points at this juncture of her life and dealing with this dude are totally valid. She's like, look, now you're this global superstar.

I just want to be this math teacher, dude. And she's very realistic about it. She's like, it will not work. And you missed your chance. You had 20 years. I've been, I've always been standing in your doorway, you know? She's also, like, I guess, mad because he's got all these songs about other women, like Michelle and all these Beatles songs that mention other women's names.

But it's like, you know he's not hanging out with other women? Where's he meeting them? Costco? This is where she has the, he has the line about like, oh, there was that one girl in Moscow. Yeah. Fucking bullshit. She touched my jeans for five minutes. That's second base, right? Look, all right, you know what?

I'll level with you. I hooked up with Edward Snowden in Moscow. Okay. It was fucking great, and I regret nothing. It was the most passionate night of my life, and I just, I miss him. I love the smell of your, you on my seats. We made encrypted love.

Jack's getting his fucking clothing together. You're leaving? Now? Yeah, let's try to see you crack this one, Glenn Greenwald. No, I'm pretty sure you don't have my number. Let me give it to you. Make sure you have it? You sure?

My phone number changes every eight hours. Listen, I'm going to give you a Tor server where you can touch with me. Why don't you just hang out for the day and watch me finish all these Rubik's cubes? Here's my WhatsApp name and my signal name. Just, you know, keep everything under low. what this movie starts doing around here in Liverpool is when he's getting to all of these landmarks

you get these big dumbass letters that say like strawberry fields you know. Danny Boyle of horseshits, all right. Right, but so it's happening for that and you're like, okay, whatever. But then he goes back to L.A. Because Kate McKinn says before he leaves like, oh, there's this big marketing meeting

you have to be at or whatever where we're going to like talk about the rollout of your album. So he goes back to L.A. and then all of a sudden it's just like L.A. big letters, and you're like, oh, now you're just doing it for this, too? Yeah. But why did you start, like, an hour into this movie? They don't do that for Moscow, or are my nuts?

Oh, maybe they did. I don't know, I don't remember. I really don't remember. But any big letter shit like that, no. And also, like, I'll be able to figure it out when he's in this boardroom full of, like, nothing marketing people led by the great Lamar and Morris, by the way. There is a mention about the media strategy here. Because he's going to go on James Corden, but eventually it's leading up to a big night on Thursday night live.

Dude. And what are we doing? Thursday night live. It's like Colbert, Kimmel, you know, James Corden, and then right into Thursday Night Live. And I'm like, license it. Yeah. You're saying fucking no. It's a parallel universe.

Oh, that's what it's supposed to be. Lord Michaels didn't get hit on the head and came up with the idea. Oh, you never had the flux. capacity. I was standing on my toilet hanging a clock and I thought about Saturday Night Live. We're going to start with late night with Paul Giamatti

and we're going to do the late show with Nick Nulte. See, that's actually a great point. Why are all the late night hosts the same? They should have swapped out somebody. That would have been at least kind of funny. Well, that's the one good thing in the trade of not having the Beatles. That also cancels out James

Gordon's existence. Or like, just say the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Yeah, that'd be funny. That's a joke with some fucking teeth on it, not for nothing. And also, like, I don't think Saturday Night Live would have existed without cigarettes. I just, you know, that early cast? Of course not. Like Bill Murray, Gilderadner, fucking, yeah.

Garrett Morris, you're telling me those people would have made that show if cigarettes didn't exist? I don't think so. No fucking way, dude. Wait, you still have the cocaine? Yeah, we're on. Yeah, yeah, let's go. But, yes, and also, that is kind of funny that James Gordon is in this movie, but they very much positioned him

in the film rightfully as like well he's the first step you have to get to you to become right like it's just like it's the easy one to get that out of the way first James Corden then Carson Daily but in this marketing meeting like everyone's oh my god this this album is going to be the biggest fucking thing in the world because

all of your songs are great blah blah blah we and like one of these is plenty but they do like four of them where it's like all of your album titles were so bad Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart Club band. I mean, Wait, the white album,

well, that's got diversity issues. And you know, the fucking self-titled, I mean. All these old people are slapping their papery knees in the audience. But the fact that the album titles and images that he wants to associate with them are held under such scrutiny, but the songs aren't. Exactly. There's fucking diversity issues in those songs. There's issues.

with everything in those songs. The fucking 17-year-old line. I can't get past. The USSR. 60, whatever. Yeah. Fine. 2019.

It's, and... Well, I want to have to change the lyric. Like, I was, like, waiting for more, like, the dude thing where he's just, like... So instead of, Hey, Jude, it's Hey, Dude, because that was an Ed Schering suggestion. Yeah, that's how Ed Shearing would have contributed to the Beatles in this world. So does that mean, hey, dude, the Nickelodeon show doesn't exist? Oh, great question.

Wow, man. And then if that's the... case whatever happened to Mr. Ernst Well she was just Well she was just barely legal And I did stuff, I'm sorry Well, great song, mate The song lyrics are printed on a

fucking iOS notepad note That's been turned into an Instagram apology Might as well be And yeah, so like, yeah Oh, your album will be called One Man only, which I guess sort of even more makes him feel guilty that he's taking credit. I don't know. For four men's

work. Yeah. But he didn't. It didn't happen in this universe. I don't understand the guilt personally. Like because it's like, I mean he's lying. He's living in a lie. That's a problem. He has like a dream that he's on James Corden and like. When you have a dream when you're on James Corden, that's called a nightmare.

Yeah, please. James Corden's all like, oh, just by yourself. Are you sure? because backstage we have four men who say you ripped off their obscure band So the idea that the band the Beatles could have existed and never got successful

is an interesting idea that is not explored beyond this dream That would be great if it was a four Because later we do get Robert Carlyle as John Lennon Spoilers! Get the whole train spotting crew to play the Beatles. You get Robert Carlisle as John Lennon I got a lost four life

You get Ewan Bremner as Ringo. You get, I guess you'd get Johnny Lee Miller as Paul. Or would it be... Hasn't he played Paul McCartney and something? Oh, really? Even McGregor's got more of the head for it, right? Yeah, it's a toss-up who should be George and who should be Paul, E. McGregor, Johnny Lee Miller.

In the court and nightmare, by the way, he only says McCartney and Star. And then they cut to a fucking dumb-ass, like, shot of the audience, and you just see two dudes, like, just the legs. of the two of them walk out like it's a fucking showdown at the okay corral and then they just cut away from it like I'm sorry

if Robert Carla at the end of this movie is playing a 78 year old John Lennon which woof have two guys playing late 70s Ringo and Paul I feel like they ask them to be in this movie they're like absolutely not because they're living I think

well George is not and then you don't want just John and George or Paul and Ringo rather Paul and Ringo yeah but yeah i don't know i guess because you that's another like you get this once yeah so you can't have other actors doing that if you want to save the lennon thing yeah but to your point about them playing themselves i was wondering in this movie while watching this movie like what like do the two of them even know this movie exists i i read that they that danny boyle got the blessing in

quotation marks of the check cleared exactly the music rights on this thing oh must have been yeah Very expensive. It's like, hey, do you want more millions of dollars, Paul McCartney? He's like, sure, why not? What is what the Ed Shearing connection? Did he produce this film or something? It seems like it's a vanity project of his. I think the thing is, like, just he's the example of, like,

major pop star. I mean, because he is. He's massive. That's like, you know. He was the second choice, actually. Oh, really? What was the first choice? Chris Martin of Coldplay.

That would actually make a little more sense anyway, like, just because he's bigger. I can recognize who he is. No, but, is Ed Shearren not bigger than Coldplay? I mean, at this point, probably not. Only one of them has played a Super Bowl halftime show, which... I mean, Coldplay's put out, like, four humongous, like, platinum-selling records. Ed Shearine, I think that's two. Coldplay is something...

He's also been around from last time. I can think of and remember... Like, Ed Shearin's like a Bruno Mars figure to me, because I'm like, I guess they exist. Yeah. I mean, I don't know personally. Yeah. I'm sure they've done. a song together. We're not, it's not just

question about being too old. It's a question about having taste. And I apologize, anyone listening that likes music that I don't. Yeah, so he has that nightmare. Then it's so, yeah, this is, he's in the studio, he's trying to finish these songs. This is the Ed Shearing Hey, dude.

He freaks out on everybody because he gets a phone call from Lily James to be like, oh, hey, you're working on your album? That's cool. Just wanted to say, I'm dating that dude Gavin from that shitty recording studio a hundred years ago? I just discovered sex and it's fantastic. You know, I realize that I don't have to ruin my life waiting for you to figure it out.

I'm a beautiful woman. And whoops, everyone was knocking on my door. Well, I guess it was just Gavin. Well, yeah, Gavin. Munster's string bean there. So he decides, like, where are we going to have this record release party? This is we're pushing right to the end of the film pretty much. What are we going to do with this record release party?

and he has the idea we'll do it at this hotel by the sea that he and Lily James used to go to we'll do it in the road famous Beatles song about having sex in public

yep I mean look you're fucking in the road you're fucking in the octopus's garden dude it's like man it's all sorts of exhibition as shit with those guys and he's doing a press conference this crazy press conference which we haven't done for a musician

at about 25 years. But the Beatles used to do it, so that's like why it's happening in this movie. But again, if you're doing a modern media strategy, you wouldn't do this, but sure. Yeah. And in the press conference he sees in the back, it's the older British woman and the Russian guy and they're holding up a yellow submarine.

He's like, and it's kind of like people are yelling out questions and you hear one of the two of them and says who's your favorite John Paul, Georgia Ringo? And he's like, what, we what? And like, the crowd gets to, It's so, this is weird. And then the old lady pulls out a gun and starts shooting him.

What if this was for Rocky Raccoon? I thought it was going that way. Like the psycho beetle fans of yesteryear. That would be like, oh my God, you stole our music or whatever. You stole my story. Oh my God. If John Lenned shows up to his door, he's wearing a hat. Yeah.

I think John Lennon was photographed wearing that hat that John Tudorra wears that movie. You stole my story, mate. But it's never explained why we come to find out that this older British woman and this Russian guy also have the same condition that they remember the Beatles and no one else does. Right, so they confront him after the concert. And they're just like, well, thank you.

Thanks for the songs. And that's, but that's, it's an interesting thing. We love you, Jack Malick. You're the best person on earth. If we were watching their movie, though, like the story of them like using the internet to find each other like does anyone out there remember

these songs or whatever and then they get to him and it is kind of interesting that they're like no we're not mad like we're glad that these songs are out here now and we can listen to that and like I'm sitting here watching it and realizing like no the movie is the two of them because it reminds me of like it's like Twilight Zone

X-Files like weird sort of sci-fi type stuff which I think Danny Boyle has obviously played in well before and would have excelled here, but it's like, you just had to watch this shit-ass rom-com the whole time. We're so happy to have these songs. I mean, they're a bit rubbish as compared to the originals. I will be honest with you. They kind of suck. Well, it's kind of great. No, they do say stuff like that, though, because she's like, you got some of the lyrics wrong, you know, and it's

kind of funny. I really like the harmonies. Couldn't you have like more people in the band singing to get? What about Hey, dude? Oh, yeah, that's it. I actually like one of the, like Hey Dude. No, one of the, hey, dude. Yippee, Kai, I, what? Like the cowboys say. No, but like the performance he gives on the rooftop is very angsty and anxious. I figure out which song he's singing. Help.

Help. Yeah, he's saying help. Wow, I'm glad they got Jack Malik back together for that fucking rooftop concert. Well, that's like the whole thing, right? Like the rooftop for the Beatles was their last concert. This is his first concert. But I think it's like it's a well-filmed, well-acted performance, but it doesn't, really mean anything. No, because this is

the only moment, because he's like literally screaming, help me into the microphone. And you're like, this is the movie. Like him going crazy, spiraling out of control down this rabbit hole. But they have done no work to earn what he's doing there. That's what I'm saying.

That's why it's all the more frustrating that it's still left in the movie because up until that point, he's been more or less kind of fine with it. He's just bombing that he's not with Lily James. Oh, boo-hoo, I have a bunch of money and this girl didn't fuck me, I guess. Help me if you can. So, troubling.

There is a funny gag in the lead-up to him going on the roof where the dude Rocky is like, you know, I'm standing in the presence of greatness. You're about to make history. I'm honored to open this door. If you're just this huge build-up and he opens the door and it's just the fire escape, kind of a funny joke. That dude's really funny in this movie. And, like, so she kind of, you know, is trying, like, right before his performance, she's going to talk to him. But then the boyfriend comes in and you realize it's way too late. She just pretty much says it's way too late.

Yeah. For the second time in the movie, by the way. Yes, exactly. And he said, well, now I have to do. Oh, that's right. The lady. Yes. The British lady is like, hey, I think there's somebody you might want to see.

And, uh-oh, it's John Lennon because he wasn't fucking assassinated. Isn't that cool? That's awesome. this is just it's in a darker movie you'd be like wow that's really something in this saccharin movie you're like well that's cruel it is totally fucking cool and this whole thing like John Lynn's like yeah I was a bit of a genius but decided to fuck off go fishing for 50 years and now I'm gonna die just been drinking tea like what I'm doing like what is this weird hermit life well I guess the idea is it's like

the point of the movie is that fame is inherently bad. Right. He says that it's like it's not about being successful. Happiness does not equal success. And therefore he was able to live this peaceful, lovely life without the devil's due of fame and he wasn't shot by Mark David Chapman. When the blackout happened, Ketcher in the Rye also disappeared. That's what I was going to say

Kevin. The only reason he actually wasn't assassinated had nothing to do with the fame. It's because Salinger never wrote that. Saliger became a chef. The theme of the movie is if you have an artistic genius of some kind, don't use it. Yeah, exactly. You just don't make money with it.

Yeah, don't make money. Sit in a fucking cabin and shut up. Make a bunch of paintings that no one's ever going to see. So us mediocre artists can take all the benefits. Ooh, Ed Shearing counting money. I love the boat. It says imagine on it.

Did anyone notice that? No, I did not notice that. He's like sitting on a boat, like it's upside down, overturn kind of the thing. And he's giving him a speech about, like, DARF. And he's not good in this movie either, Robert Carlyle. And he doesn't really look that one. I mean, like, I guess he could look like an older John Lennon.

You put that, like, stringy mullet wig on him and put a hat over it, and he's got the glasses on. It's like they did the bare minimum. Exactly. He's not sounding like him, really. On a VHS transfer, he looks like John Lennon. 4K, no, sir. You're totally right, Kevin.

And he's just like, yeah, you know, you just got to live your life. Two things, if I could give you advice, a strange guy that's in my house. By the way, are you here to kill me? No, okay, cool. Is to... What do you read? What do you mean?

Salinger's catcher what? No, you mean a catcher at Yankee Stadium, right? That was the book Salinger wrote. Actually, I'm into John Grisham. First off, get that knob out. Teach you how... I mean, Jack should spread the gift. The gospel.

The gospel of Jack. But he's like, the two things I'll tell you is find a woman that you love, tell her that you love her, and be honest always. This is just like basic, like, you know the secret to life, son? Being a halfway cognizant adult. Maybe talking to a woman that you like. I don't know. Try that. It's just bonkers that this movie creates a world in where incredibly John Lennon.

is still alive. Yeah. And the words you have him say are garbage advice in some C-grade fucking romantic comedy. Absolutely. It's disgusting.

It's disgraceful. It is. No, it is. It is. It is. It truly fucking is. It'd be cool if he, like, sang a song. I was like, you know,

I always wanted to, like, maybe he gives him the words for Eleanor Rigby or something, like, yeah. Well, what, I mean, the whole, the note of genius they give him

as he's got like some Shell Silverstein cartoons. On his fucking desk somewhere that he's been working on. I did see those. Is he like, did he create Dunesbury in this universe? So it's like he's not a music guy. Yeah, he's just an artist. I was wondering if those doodles in the foreground, though,

may have been probably looking like in a style, because I'm sure Lenin's got doodles and whatnot. Of course, if you looked that up. That was the one thought I had about it. You're probably right. That's probably, because all those people, if you're that creative, you always kind of draw pretty well or at least interestingly.

Jerry Garcia was a great artist in that way, too. I'm kind of curious if the end of this movie would be amazing. During the montage where he's like, all of his songs are blowing up, you just cut to like some New York City apartment and this guy is just sitting with his girlfriend. He's in his mid-60s and he gets, he like perks up and it's Mark David Chapman

because he's been activated. It's like, oh shit. Like he just lived this totally normal life. And he's like, I know what I have to do. And she just, like, walks out of the apartment like a robot. And the girl's like, what are you doing? I have to go to a Barnes & Noble. And the rest of the movie is, like, him getting ready to kill this guy?

Excuse me. Are you John Lennon? Yes. I keep going back in time to kill John Lennon, and the timeline keep changing. Are you a Jack Malik? Yes. Blam. Like, it would make, that would be such a great end to this movie.

That would be pretty cool, dude. Just Arnold Burson. Da-da-da-da. Yeah, the Beatles wrote that. Good song. But instead, he's inspired by this Lennon thing to come clean. And he asks, Ed Shearin, like, their best buds. Ed Shearin hates this dude.

Yeah. And Aaron Shear's like, you ruined my life. You showed me what a fucking shit-ass artist I was. Hey, Ed, can I do a couple songs at... Not before your concert, after your concert. At Wembley Stadium. Jack, if it gets me more scenes than the third act of this movie, buddy,

you got it. Well, Jack, all I did is compare myself to F. Murray fucking Abraham. I'll get over that nice and quick. Let's go to concert. So, yeah, Ed Sharon is playing a sold-out show at Wembley Stadium. And then, yeah, it's like, well,

good night, everybody. Also, stick around for this dude who's way more famous than I am now. Could I do the songs with you? No, you can't. No, you can just fucking go backstage and go right to hell. How about that? Thanks for the favor, though.

Really appreciate it. And he goes out. He plays like five Beatles tunes. And he's like telling Rocky like, get ready. It's going to happen like right at the end of the last song or something. And it's very important to point out that at this Ed Shearren concert in the audience at Wembley is Lily James, her character, Ellie or whatever. And then this dude Gavin. Yep. They're together still. He's like, you know, got his arms around her or whatever.

Like, they're dancing to the songs and shit. It's just, it's very important to remember that he is right next to her. But then the Rocky grabs her, brings her backstage. I know. But it's important to remember that that dude is there in the audience and they are still a couple at the time of this. Oh, dude, his last act, Jack's heroic last act, is to cuck the fuck out of this game. This is the greatest cuckinning. Because he brings this girl backstage and he's like, all right, Rocky, like, turn the camera on. And then she's on this fucking screen and he lays it all out there. He admits that he ripped off the four Beatles. He gives them all the songwriting credit.

And then he's like, and I've always loved you. I'll always love this whole thing. And this dude is just in the crowd getting cocked by, in front of 10,000. It's like, imagine if, like, you know, you and your wife go see Elvis Presley. And Elvis at the end is just like, hey, fuck your wife. I'll give it all up for her. Yeah, you got a lip dick, motherfucker. And the way he says, one of the lines is he goes,

I want to thank Ellie for her love. Yeah. And this dude is just turning to sand. Not in this movie because it's all so sweet. Also, at the same time, he says he's like, he doesn't even say I'm going to give him the songwriting credit. In a financial standpoint, he's just like, I didn't write these songs.

The world owns these songs. So as of right now, I'm putting all of these songs on the internet and you cut to some computer upload fucking device thing. Dude, Rocky, who in the previous sequence couldn't find the correct door to the stage in this scene is operating this iPad where it's like, camera, go, lights, there, songs released. I'm Jack Malick and I invented BitTorrents as well. It should be Snowden. You sure you want to do this, Jack?

There's no going back from this, buddy. Here it comes. If I hit Shend, it's going to be everywhere. We're going to have to pull you through the back door of a hotel. Don't worry, I got a lot of experience doing that. I know a guy who can help us. His name's Kim.com. Yep, this is the president, Barack Obama.

Fugitive Jack Malik. Still out there. Took government songs. Gave him to the world for free. nobody should get a free song Drone Strike Wembley Stadium Gotta stop it

But the thing is also like Guess what All songs are for free on the internet Everyone owns all songs on the internet If you want to I mean it's 2020 now But this film takes place in 2019 Correct

So I don't know what he uploaded Or whatever like It's his wanking video And also we should mention That film villain Kate McKinnon Is like flipping out there's a gag where she's like getting lost like running like in the back hallways of the auditorium like trying to find the stage or whatever and it's like give up movie like she's not

a part of this anymore she says at some point like you're betraying money i think that's a exact line something like that yeah it's all right what a yank thing to say am i right my fellow brits but so like l and him meet up at the basement or wherever they're baking out and then gavin shows up he's like, huh. And then of course, a fucking course, there has to be this other gorgeous woman you've never seen before. It's just like, you're kind of cute. Everything's gonna

work out okay. You can't even be mean enough to let a cuck happen. Exactly. Get that noose off that doorknob, cutie. To be fair to this terribly stupid movie, that girl is her roommate. Oh, okay. We've met her before.

Got it, got it, got it. Oh, that's right. But yeah, but it is a thing where it's like, don't worry, you're not be heartbroken for long Gavin. Look, there's another one right here. So the one shitty thing he does in the movie can't be shitty. And also it'd be one thing if you just saw her like make eyes at Gavin and that's it. But in

the last scene you have to see them together like arm over the other one. I was like fucking nuts. Because we're all happy as fuck at this point. So then then we just cut to an Ed Shear and music video because they go back to like her apartment or whatever.

Haven't you done enough to me Danny Boyle? You have to do this. And they're like making out all over the house. They finally get down to fucking all during an Ed Shearren song playing. And you know what? I had to fucking Shazam it because I didn't even know. I was like, I'm guessing this is Ed Shearren, but just to double check. Is it the penguin song again?

It should have been a fully produced penguin song. The end of this movie should be him going down on her and like, and fireworks. Fucking fireworks coming off his face. Fucking finally! Wait, what are you? you doing? Oh shit, I just invented Cunalingis. He's Google's Cunalingis.

It's nothing. This is now known as Jackalingis. But even more insultantly, the movie ends with like, he's like, oh, I just feel like Harry Potter who defeated Voldemort. And she's like, what are you talking about? And it's, here we go again. Yeah, exactly, dude.

There's a pretty okay montage of him playing. What songs are you playing at the end? Oblady, Oblo-D. Oh, yeah, and it looks good, and it's like their life together. They have a kid at some point, and it's like they're both teachers, it's all these kids. It's a, again, it's a really well-made montage, but yes, the stinger, the stinger scene is crazy because the way to end this movie would be, I feel like Harry Potter, and she goes, who? And he goes, oh, no, and she goes, I'm just kidding.

I'm fucking with you. You know what I mean? Like, that's fine. Right. That, yeah, actually, yeah, if it's revealed to be a joke, that would be kind of funny. Because he has to tell her, like, by the way, and also, like, what does she? You think, like, wait, so I'm living in a wrong, I have wrong memories. Do you have wrong memories?

Exactly. Like, wait a second. So in your world, there's these, a box with like 20 little sticks and you put one in your mouth and light it on fire and put smoke into your body. I think this is the man in the high castle type of thing. They're living in like the Nazis won the war. That's why there's no Beatles. That makes sense.

Yeah. So, I mean, this is, it's a really good montage. of just, like, he's singing the song with the kids. You just see what their life is. Yes, Gavin and this roommate are now together happily, of course. The parents are proud of them. Everybody wins the day.

But then it's just fucking directed by Danny Boyle and there's no undoing of any of it and you're like, these movies undo the thing. You can't, it's not, you're not like breaking any new ground by not doing that. You're not finishing your story.

Okay, so honey, All right, so you know Pepsi? It's that, but the same, and it's more popular. It's bread. There's polar bears that sell it. Christmas, I don't know, honey. There's a store. There was a store at some point.

It comes in cherry, vanilla, cherry vanilla. Okay, so there's a band that comes like 25 years after that Beatles thing that they keep telling you about. and they're not as good and like both guys are assholes but they had like one or two good albums and they're still assholes they continue to be assholes and they hate each other

they're brothers it's weird what would like the economy of Atlanta is then just the MCU now that Coca Cola is gone you're right honey so there's this book series

right and it's for children it's good actually the book series is good but like every time something happens in politics people try and relate it to it for no reason. I don't understand. Like literally every bad person ever

is just called the bad person from this book. I don't know how I was to put it. And like this person wrote it and it was like this triumphant story of like a single mother overcoming adversity and becoming this billionaire. But she's also a huge piece of shit. She's a massive piece of shit.

Every year it seems. She just finds new ways to have people hate her. And I don't, I don't understand. understand it either, sweetheart. I'm just trying to explain you the story of this Harry Potter business. She told people to vote for the Lib Dems. I mean, it's a real fucking pain. I'm going to be honest. Shit show.

Maybe my world is better. And the other thing is, too, you can still have that same montage with the Beatles existing. Because he's just now the teacher at the school who's the cool guy that can play Beatles songs at the assembly.

It doesn't matter. He was hit by the bus. He's in a coma. He has this Prolonged dream, and he realizes that money and fame isn't what he should be seeking. Exactly. That's the other thing, dude. He either wakes up in a hospital bed or the twist that I wrote way up in my notes that turned out to be wrong was he's just fucking dead. Because this dude gets railed by that bus, man. I would have hoped for a Jacobs ladder ending. They just pull the sheet over. That was John Lennon's ghost. Like, he's like trying to let him, Jack, I need to let you know you're dead now. You need to move on from this place. Oh, dude, at the beach scene?

Oh, definitely. Yes, dude. Twisty shit. Danny Iello comes out to tell him. Oh, R.P. Great action. Force ghost of Danny I.O. Yeah, and whatever.

At least the movie has the fucking decency to like end with an actual Beatles song just playing over the credits, which is nice. Is it Obla Di Obla da again? I don't remember what they end on. They all blend together at a certain point. Yeah, and honestly, the only thing, I got out of this movie was like it just made me want to listen

to real Beatles songs which I haven't done in a while so I'm like I'll sync up some of those records or whatever but like otherwise I don't know how's everybody feeling about this movie? It's not a recommend it's a sweet fun time I can imagine being you go to your grandparents house and they want to watch

something and you don't want to put on things that's going to make anyone uncomfortable you could put this on and like hold your tongue for two hours but it's also because the performances are fine and the direction is good the story is such trash it's not a recommend but I can imagine

scenarios in which this movie might be advantageous sure but there are other movies that do that already like yeah I do not I don't like this movie I find it really lame like lame is the word for it I just feel embarrassed watching it honestly

and like yeah I guess it's shot well but it's not edited well It's just still like plot, plot, plot, plot, plot, let's just keep going. Yeah, I did not like this movie. I'm not going to really recommend it, but I understand why people could like it. I know it's very like sweet and saccharine the word going around. But like the leads are good, they're affable.

I understand why people can get wrapped up in the story. I was here for The thirst. The thirst was very nice. But it's just obviously. there's logic holes. You could drive a truck through it. So, you know, it's definitely scenarios. Steve is right where this would be the perfect thing to put on.

And there's scenarios where it would not be. Such is in Eric's house. Ever again. I mean, I think Steve is right. It's like a utility movie. It's like, fuck, people are coming over. If I want something where I know for the entire runtime, I'm not going to have to clench my asshole.

this movie could fill that slot I totally understand it it's just it's way too saccharine for me I think it's a dumb idea and it's a wasted opportunity and fuck you with that John Lennon cameo or the Robert Carlyle appearance as I just like that's another thing that's just

completely squandered and insulting and I will say just it is shot really well but interestingly enough so the dude who shot at Christopher Ross motherfucker had a busy 2019 also being the DP on cats. Oh, yeah. So he worked with James Corden twice this year. Technically. Yeah.

How about that? Well, yeah, I was just going to say also, I really like Hamesh Patel. I don't know if he's been in anything else. I would like to see him in more stuff. Oh, he's good. The aeronauts, which Oh, that balloon movie? Does that really exist? It's on Amazon, I think. Has anyone in the world seen it? Has anyone like unpurposed watched the aeronauts? Not that I know. I know no one personally that has done that. So they're like balloon astronauts? Yes. There's an ad for

it above the entrance to the subway station in my neighborhood and every time I go into the train I'm like oh yeah, I'll never watch that. No. I also I'm curious if it's coming out next year and Danny Boyle kind of didn't do this didn't do it. Was slated to be

direct the next bond, no time to die, but then couldn't because of this movie and it actually pushed that movie back. Is that true, though? That's what I believe. You got fucking fired off of that Bond movie probably. Yeah, I don't know if he got fired. Yeah, maybe he did.

Yeah, that's right. He's like, what if James Bond wakes up in a world where nobody's heard of James Bond? Get the fuck out. I mean, I'll be honest, I'm more interested in a Kerry Fukenaga Bond than I am a Danny Boyle. Of course, Bond at this point. I will say, though, I guess Hamesh Patel is going to be in Tenet. Oh, really? Oh, cool.

Which I've been avoiding the trailer for. But I guess also he was in the East Enders. for a really long time, and that's a show that it's against the law to watch outside of the United Kingdom. Yeah, you can't do it. So we know nothing about Easton.

Because you just never understand where the doorknobs are. Why is it? What? By the way, before we end this, this issue a blank an apology. Sorry, this sounds insincere

because I'm saying it, but thank you for listening, and I'm sorry for insulting Ed Sheeran and other things, maybe the queen, I don't know. I don't know what we said. That's Eric's Weekly Apology. Yeah.

That is yesterday, directed by Danny Boyle, of course, from the year 2019. We are one more to go in our worst of the previous year month. Steve Sadek, we are capping it off with what exactly? Hobbs and Shaw. Oh, man, I thought we were just going to do Hobbs. We're doing both of them. We're doing them both. Three wins.

Best and Furious presents Hobbs and Shaw. You Philistine. Chris Kavan's got you dead to rights. there's Steve. So until next week with Fast and Furious Presents, Colin Hobs and Shaw. I'm Andrew Juppin. Steve and say that. Chris Cabin. Eric Sisko. Take it easy.