We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 466 - Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw

Episode Date: January 28, 2020

On this week's episode, the gang closes out (Some of) the Worst of 2019 month with a convo about the too long, too silly, too muscle-y, spin-off film, Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw! Why did they try and cram three movies into one? Did no one think to call Toretto? And why did the screenwriters feel the need to change location more times than a Bond film? PLUS: A "Prison Paul" movie starring Mel Gibson? It could happen! Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw stars Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Vanessa Kirby, Idris Elba, Helen Mirren, Elza González, Eddie Marsan, Cliff Curtis, Lori Pelensie Tuisano, Rob Delaney, and Ryan Reynolds; directed by David Leitch. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, how many dick jokes can you squeeze into one Hollywood blockbuster? It's Fast and Furious Presents Colin Hobbs and Shaw. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadak. Chris Gavin. Eric Shawska. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always.

We are a comedy show that often talks about shitty movies. And here we are today. Talking about Fast and Furious presents Hobbs and Shaw directed by David Lighter. This is the final film. of our worst of 2019. Indeed. David Leitered his farts on fire. Isn't it David Leach? Did I make that up? Leach. I believe it was lighter. It's David Leen.

Did I type it wrong? This movie's from 1945. Let me see. Dieter. While he's looking that up, but I want to quickly mention that we, this is a Leach. L-A-T-C-H.

Sorry about that. That was quicker than I expected. Sorry, Davey. So this is a Fast and Furious Presents film. Yes. There's a Fast and the Furious presents cartoon.

that what is it called spy hunters spy babies spy racers spy racers it's on Netflix well guess what we did an animation damnation episode on that so if you want more f and f with your f and f and f get your eff and ass to our patreon patreon patreon.com slash we hate movies and we also did for our we love movies month we did the other Fast and the Furious movie this year which is Fast and the Furious presents once upon a time in hollywood that's right quick tarantina movie Amaze is my favorite, Fast and the Furious character. By far, yeah, exactly. We did, uh, we did, uh, we did that one time on Hollywood for the we love movies.

Uh, that's at our $5 level. You can get all that. That's all out, baby. Uh, we also talked about Emperor Palpatine on our Gleap Gloucestery. Anyway, we do a lot of content these days. I was going to say, I want to issue a correction already for this episode. Sure. It's not dick jokes.

It's ball jokes. Yeah, it's a lot of balls. But it's like tiny dick jokes. There's a lot of, how tiny is you fucking. Dick the Rock. I don't know Jason Statham. How tiny's your dick? But you put these guys' heads together and it does look like a pair of testicles. It does. Just two bald dudes stand next to each other. It is interesting that it's a it's a bald buddy comedy. Yeah. I was stuck in this ball sack together. You think Jason Statham's like our Jason Alexander's fucking furious? Oh dude. He should be the he should be the guy at the end of the villain.

Oh fuck. Yeah. He's the secret like voice behind everything. The director or whatever the hell he's called. Oh, does he have a name? No, it's the head of ectocooler or whatever the fucking... Here's the thing. If you're going to have a secret spy organization, make it something everyone in your cast could say consistently. It's called Etyon or E T-E-O-N.

Yeah. And some people call it Etienne, some people are calling it Etyon. And I'm like, I don't know what this thing is. I was calling it the extraterrestrial. Smart. But that's the whole organization. I thought that was just the name of the place that they break into. No, no, no, I don't know.

That's the syndicate, essentially, is these Etienne people. Yeah, it's Etienne or Etienne. A fucking nefarious animal. Yes, exactly. You're the spider company. Yes, exactly. The Silver Wolf. Because it's just like a specter thing, right?

Yeah, exactly. That's all it is. But I don't even know what, it's just such a nothing name for a nothing idea. And if it, it doesn't matter. Like, I just, it's Idias Elba's character. right he just has this company behind him i um watched a very rare i never do this actually oh he never does this uh i've got i was going to take a shower wash me bowls no i i actually like i was watching this movie and my wife came home in the middle of it oh my god

what are you watching no and it was like she was like oh hey how long how much is left it was an hour and the last note that i wrote in my notes was glib meaningless shit and I turned it off and I was like you know what I'll finish it tomorrow let's just watch regular TV for a while I needed I needed a break I really needed a break from this movie

I made the fatal mistake of I was watching it this is weird I was watching it very similarly Chelsea came home and you know she's like doing some stuff like kind of had it on and then she's like I'm gonna go to bed and I was like all right paused it just everybody's getting ready for bed

and whatnot 70 minutes 70 And I was, like, certain. Just due to, like, the situation that they found themselves in, I was like, well, this is it. This is the last big action scene. So the movie's got a 70, 7-0. Not 1-7-70. This is so weird, because I was watching it too.

My wife comes home and I pause it and she just looks at TV, looks at me. She says, you're wasting your fucking life. Oh, weird. I was like, oh. Oh, is that why you guys got divorced this week? Yes. condolences and everybody know

the rollout no they did my lawyer will know next so this is the first Fast and Furious Spinoff film right? Correct yeah and this actually was and I was reading up on this was the cause of the tensions

that we call the troubles between Vin Diesel and Dwayne the Rock Johnson the real troubles yes because like Vin Diesel was fucking furious he was Fast End he was furious. Right. That they were making a Fast and Furious without him.

But like, I'm sorry, Vin Diesel. Like, the Rock and Staten get this spinoff or whatever. Fast and Furious is still your franchise, dude. It is the fucking Vin Diesel show. Oh, you're eating off my plate. You're eating off my plate over there. Yeah. I think probably part of it was like, what, I don't get a new producer credit?

You know what I mean? Like one of those things? How about a two-second cameo? You did me dirty. Oh, wait, now that's doing Jesse Ventura. Yeah, I could be in Fast and Furious presents Hobbs and Shaft. What is it? Yeah, I could be the shaft.

Where's the hole you want me to go into? Oh, these are the two balls, I understand. Wow, that's some great writing. You got, all right, so you got one bald guy and another bald guy. I love it. What about a third bald guy with a skullet that kind of looks like a bizarre, deflated scarecrow at this point? Have you seen me lately? Have you really looked at me?

All I'm saying, buddy, you're having this action movie with some bald guys Nary your rat tail to be found Just putting it out there. Yeah, picture this, they're doing their action set piece And then suddenly, me, Jesse walks in wearing a tie-dye t-shirt Looking like a fucking piece of shit. I look like I just woke up

And I'm like, hey, guys, who wants seconds? You would set up the setup for that. I don't know what a second is. By the way, then you instantly start writing the screenplay for Fast and Furious Presents, colon, sloppy seconds. You can actually cut my cost and half, but I need to have RT in the corner of all my scenes. That's right. Don't forget I still got pulling this town.

I've got Oliver Stone's son's phone number. Yeah, yeah. Buford Stone is just waiting for me. He hosts, he was one of the hosts of his TV show. Oh, is crazy theory? Oliver Stone's son, yeah. So this is Jason Statham as his, uh, Deckerd Shaw character and Dwayne the Rock Johnson as Luke Hobbs, uh, both, of course, skyrocketed to, to fame and popularity in these

Fast and Furious movies. Congrats, guys. I don't understand why this is a Fast and Furious movie. These are two characters, it's not like, because they're from those movies. Well, yeah, I get that. But I mean, like, these. are two guys that like it's not like it's Daniel de Lewis and like

man he changed oh man when I see Jason Statham as Deckerd Shaw I know he's Jackard Shaw and the movie is so removed from all the Fast and Furious stuff you'd be better off calling it Blaine and Blaine and Johnson whatever it is and Chelsea said the same thing because I

had it on for a little bit while she was still in the room and she was like why are they playing these characters and that's exactly right you could take the two of them and just make a movie where they're just buds and it's because listen the rock i think has a little more range than jason statham jason statham has been playing the exact same character for going on 30 years he's very good at it i give him that credit he's very good at it but it's the same fucking thing and more or less

as you know dwayne johnson has too like you could just make a buddy action movie because the other thing is the the the tone of this movie is not in the tone of a fast in the Furious movie. It's a science fiction movie and those other movies are not science fiction movies. You need a franchise ball to attach it to you because that's life now. You're completely forgetting. It's illegal to make a movie that has already have an IPO.

Yeah. I already has to exist. If not, it's fucking illegal, you go to jail. Just do a buddy comedy with them. Put them in Star Wars. You're looking to go to jail, buddy. Remake tango and cash. Yeah, you could remake tango and cash. But I mean, Steve, you're right though. The science fiction element, which is all

based around Idris Elba's character, of Brickston. Oh, Guns of Brickston. You know what I mean? He's got guns in this, too. He's got guns. He's got fucking Terminator Vision

for Christ's sake. That's songs about him. It's not this. It's not, it's not. And again, this franchise Hashtag not my FNF. This franchise started with stealing VCRs

and now we've got fucking super scientists. This franchise is the weirdest thing that has ever existed. I will say the thing that connects this most directly to the rest of his sister fucking. Yes, you're right.

The sister-fucking empire expands because this movie is all about sister-fucking. Let me tell you something. I would watch Vanessa Kirby fuck Dwayne Johnson time and time again, man. Bring on the sexiness there. Do a two-hour remake of the sex scene from the room with them too.

And I'm all in. Release a sex tape in the theater, you cowards. You could call it a porno. And you can put it out in a porno theater. Do they have premieres for dirty movies? They do their fun. Eric, look forward to Eric's new show, The Deuce 2020. It's very different from what you're expecting.

It's just me dropping a deuce. It's just saying you take his shit for two hours. It's also known as toilet time. Demanding that the Empire 25 turned back into a porno theater. It would only improve. That theater is trash on 42nd Street. If you ever in New York City, do not go to the Empire 25. It would certainly be fucking cleaner. if it was a porn out of theater.

The second you get to New York City, get off 42nd Street entirely. Exactly, it's not fun. It's not. There's nothing for you there. You know what? You got a fucking gap at home. You know what else you have at home?

A red lobster. It looked like more than that, but that's actually all escape from New York is. He's trying to get out of 42nd Street. Dude, yeah, escape from Midtown, man. Look out. Snake Bliskin's going to go save the president's daughter from 42nd Street.

You're hanging off the fucking Eminem Tower. He's doing a shootout with Isaac Hayes and the Bubba Gump restaurant. He's dodging all these fucking Elmoes. Oh, so, so, yeah, these are characters we know. And now it's like, what is their life like

when they're not fucking road raging with Vin Diesel and friends? And it's pretty much the same thing, I guess. I will say this movie kind of, like I'm not a Fast and Furious guy at all. This movie kind of had me for the first 10 minutes. Yeah. So I was like, okay, cool.

We're setting up the world. This is fun. Seeing them get ready in the similar manner, but he's evil, or whatever, he's British, so he's evil. He's got like black bed sheets. Well, because he was a villain. He's initially the villain, or a villain. He's Luke Evans' brother, who is the first major villain.

In part three, I think, is where that starts? The Tokyo drifting? No, no, no. The Shaw stuff starts happening in six. Okay. And then the Rock's got the whole, like, sunny California. BORNA vibe, and it's a cute pairing, honestly. It is, yeah, it is.

I like both of these guys enough. I could see them in an action movie, but then it just drag, it just, like, there's a point where mindless action just becomes total paint drying. Just mindless period. Yeah. I'm kind of a sucker for a split screen no matter of. I love split screens.

Thank you. I was saying. I'm a sucker for it. So, yeah, it's like him getting up and him getting up. And like, for some reason, they both go on a separate adventure. forget what the impetus is, I guess it doesn't matter. I think it's just like they're both getting assignments. This is like their work.

You see the rock take, he's like going through this bar to find whomever he needs to find some informant or whatever. Yeah. And takes two shots of whiskey at the same time. It would be amazing if he just threw up. If he did that, he's like being badass. Oh, fuck. I forgot today was chest day.

Just because I followed Dwayne Johnson on Instagram, I can tell you that was probably supposed to be to keep. Oh, okay. He's a big tequila guy. That makes more sense. But even still, even more so I'm throwing up. The fucking heartburn. I was like,

ha. And then I get it. I see the size of the guy and like he's probably got insane tolerance, but still like, I'm gonna beat the shit, are you?

Yeah. He's like fighting like tattoo parlor guys, he's like fighting like tattoo parlor guys and he starts to torture one of them. There's a, there's a girl that has tattoos on her chest and he says nice tats. Yeah.

So I'm like, all right, it feels like an 80s movie almost. It definitely does. And that's what, I mean, that's what this is. It's Tango and Cash without Tango or a Cache. Or Jack Pallon. Oh, it's Tango or Cash. It's Hobbs and Shaw.

Tango and Cash, if it was not allowed to just be 95 minutes. I'm a Jack Pallad Superman. It's even a meck suit. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I'm a, uh, Super Strike. Look, you just have him in a mex the entire time.

It's fucking Tarkin Town. Like, just make it now. One of us does the voice of it. You could pass it off as Jack Pallens is back in a movie. Yeah, he beats the shit off all these people and then just like a stiff breeze and he just coughs to death. Also, it's important to point out that before their days begin,

we do get a cold open with Vanessa Kirby. She's working with MI6. Yeah, Haddy Shaw. And there's a mission that goes tits up. They're trying to get this virus. She injects it into herself and becomes like the carrier of it. This is all like totally fine. I'm like

on board and like Edress Alger Idris. Did I say that right? Elba. Idris Elba. All right. Did I say elbow? All right. Did I say elbow? I don't know. Idris Elba shows up and he's like fucking shit up and I'm like all right. Cool. You know? This is the

the movie is restrained at this point. Despite we have someone infecting themselves with a super virus to to transport it. I feel like the supervirus is I think that the mech suit and the eyeball and the fucking biological whatever spine implant makes no sense and it has nothing to do with this movie. Also though, I think he's a straight up zombie. Yeah.

Because he talks later in the movie about how Shaw shot him twice in the face and also in the chest or something. Like that dude's dance. In Fast and Furious talk, that's like cutting yourself shaving. Like I got my head blown off. Oh, that's sorry. I'm sorry, do you put a little band-aid on it? Like, the starting of this movie, them doing their separate missions,

Shaw, like, beats the shit out of some dude at, like, a fancy party in London, and throws him out the window and hangs them there with, like, a curtain sheet or something. I'm like, okay, I'm on board. And if this movie was, like, 90 minutes, I would probably say I like this movie. If it was cut down to 90 minutes.

It's actually three movies in a movie. Speaking about laws, it's actually illegal, Eric, to make a movie that is under two hours because this movie is two hours in 16 minutes and it feels like three

it really feels like a solid three because the movie changes so many times to different like not just different locales but different movies entirely absolutely that I just get dizzy and bored at the same time

we get cameos by actors that try to join the franchise it is obnoxious as fuck well that's we can get to Ryan Reynolds in this movie yeah which Was he in another one of them? No, it sounded like he had a pre-established relationship.

No, but that's what they're trying to do. They're trying to shoehorn him in as if he was there the whole time. I could have sworn it because I tried to rewatch all them and I found it disturbingly bad so I didn't finish it. I finished six, I think, and then that's when I stopped. And then I saw eight for this show? I don't know what that happened. And you keep up missing the good one, which is seven.

It's the only good one. I'm not going to watch it. I refuse. You know what, dude, I just refuse. I don't like any of these movies. I've seen four of them. I've seen one, two, three, and eight, whichever the one we did for the show.

And now this. And I'm just, I'm totally fine skipping the quote unquote good ones. I think five, I think five and six were better than the other ones I've seen, but they're still contemptible in my eyes. In my eyes. I understand why you think Ryan Reynolds was a character already established because he's playing the same character in every movie he's in now.

He's just Deadpool. Yep. And like, it's getting really annoying. We almost did six underground for the show. and he's just deadpooling all over that. Michael Bayes Deadpool, which will kill you. Yeah, so he's like the, I guess like a CIA contact or something for The Rock. Yes.

And meanwhile, the CIA contact for Shaw is Rob Delaney, which I do like seeing him back in a big movie. But it's funny. Because it's just a reunion. Yes, it's Deadpool. It's a Deadpool to reunion. And they're talking to each other. That's, that's a problem. In a movie that is this long with so.

many just the the despora of these characters like why you could have them both in there but you don't have to have them talking to each other i also don't think that like but the problem is like this scene is like 15 minutes why because ryan reynolds is fucking hilarious guys oh yeah don't you want to hear ryan reynolds make fucking jokes about the end of game of thrones to date this in a fucking amber glass listen note to screenwriters man you have to stop doing shit like this because it instantly sticks your film in Amber in a bad way. I'm sure it was bad improv. Like he was just, you know, doing it.

He watched Game of Thrones the other night. And he's like, oh, man, remember the end of Game of Thrones? Bop and da Bop. Could you imagine of like Armageddon Stop Dead for Bruce Willis being like, no, no, Ben Affleck, you're not coming up on this rig with me. I'm going to space by myself. You're staying with my little girl. By the way, the end of Seinfeld, that finale episode, disappointing.

Goodbye. Yes, exactly. Gotta go home and catch Dream on on each other. It's just, it just dates it terribly. And honestly, it wasn't even that long ago since Game of Thrones ended. And I'm just like, I'm out of the movie. You just push me out of the movie. And you don't, it's not like that becomes a character thing, because everybody knows Game of Thrones.

Yes. It's not like if he was talking about John from Cincinnati, then that's something personal. There's a reprisal of the Game of Thrones at the end. In one of the six Stinger scenes. Milk's phone just vibrated because John from Cincinnati and he's like, honey, it happened. Told you.

No, no, they're not talking about Deadwood. John from Cincinnati. And the thing about this, so like the Rock takes his daughter who's been previously established in the other movies, right? Yeah. To breakfast and they're like having a cute little

time together. She's talking about the family tree is empty because she doesn't know about it. And he's like, yeah, well, that's kind of tough. And then, right. Alan Reynolds comes in as the CIA guy. And the thing is, like, one non-sec order is fine. Two non-sequiters, okay.

But, like, when you're doing, like, a whole scene of it, like, the language stops to matter. You know what I mean? You're talking about King of Thrones. He's talking about, like, stabbing a guy with a brick. And he's also talking about bleeding this way and the other way. The tattoos he got to match the rock. So I was like, oh, what life, like, what life debt does he owe the rock?

Yeah. Was that the stinger of the last movie? No, he's just having fun, dude. He's just having fun. Brian Reynolds having fun. It just seems like you're not brave enough to put a non-sequitur with a non-sequitur, Steve, which is true bravery in comedy.

But it's just such a dumb joke, too, because it's like, yes, like, Dwayne Johnson is famous for having his big, like, Samoan tattoo of his chest and into his shoulder and whatever. And it's just that tattoo. It's like his most famous one outside of the fucking bull one, which I don't think even looks the same anymore as when he was wrestling.

But, like, it's just so dumb. So it's like three fucking thuds in a row, and then he still has to tell him like what the mission is. Exactly. And the big joke that the rock has is he eats a lot. Do you see the size of that guy?

He must eat so much. Holy shit. That was a stack of pancakes the size of my son. One thousand pancakes. He probably does eat like that. I think I saw one of his Instagrams with a bunch of pizzas.

Well, he does. He posts like his cheat days. When he has a cheat day. No, you're thinking of Papa John. It's Shattered. The day of Ruffalo. And he says Cheete in the movie. So you're just making a movie out of your Instagram feed at this point.

Yeah. And I mean like the Simone stuff at the end of the movie, which is fine. It's another movie. The end of the movie? The end of the movie. It's kind of like towards the end. It's the last 50 to 55 minutes of this movie. That's the thing is like they get to Samoa, you pause it.

It'll say there's 45, 50 minutes left for sure. Outrageous. But again, like that's not, it doesn't necessarily need to be this. character. The Rock should make an action movie in Samoa. Great idea. Yeah. Not this movie. You know what I mean? Make it make it about a Samoan sheriff. And like that's fucking bad ass.

Call it Samoan Sheriff by the way because that fucking kicks ass. Or if you must have Hobbs and Shaw show up there guess what? That's what Hobbs and Shaw 2 is for. Exactly. Yes. Thank you. Make one movie at a time, guys. And let's pick locations

and stay there. I don't Like, I don't need to see 50 cities in one movie because guess what? Now I'm confused and angry. Yeah. Even the Bond movies, which are like notorious globe-hopping adventures, visit fewer parts of the world than this movie. Well, it's the TVification of movies. Like, each one of these settings is an episode

of Hobbs and Shaw, the Netflix series. Sure, sure. So it would be a sixth series, except for now you just turn it into a two and a half hour fucking movie. What's crazy about that idea is like if this was cut up like The Mandalorian and like Disney Plus, if this was a streaming show, it might actually be good.

You've got the star power, you do one big car chaser set piece, an episode, and we're out of there. You're not exhausted by the time the movie's over with. It's an endurance trial, especially with these trailers these days, guys. Oh, God. But like, oh wait, I should say also,

just another note about the globe hopping. Learn something from that last diehard movie, just a fucking bombed out nothing location that's supposed to be the, Ukraine is not exciting now. Can we just stop that, please? Oh, we're going to Moscow. Well, also, and we'll get there, but it causes so many

logistical problems with the movie when they go to Moscow. They're in Moscow and this movie, too? Yeah, they go to Moscow, right? Or they go to Russia. Oh, it's Ukraine. I'm sorry. They go to the Ukraine. The Ukraine is where, like, Idra's elbow. Got it. The big chase with the truck. I got out of the stacks. Yeah. You mean, okay, so, but thank you for covering our basis.

For listeners in the future, it will be Russia. There was once this totally independent country called the Ukraine. In 2020, right now we're recording this. Also, Steve, were you thinking because we're back to back, we just recorded our episode on yesterday, in where they do go to Moscow? Yes, so wait, the rock wakes up and the Beatles don't exist in this movie, right? The rock wakes up and Fast and Furious doesn't exist.

Diesel has been erased from existence. So he has to recreate it by doing a movie, doing useless fucking car chases and set pieces. Oh, no, he only covers. the Ringo solo material. So Reynolds is his CIA contact. He's like, guess what? There is this

virus that makes your your insides bleed and all this stuff. It's the end of the world, man. And like, this is after 20 minutes of fucking vamping. He finally gets down to it. And you have to go to England to stop this virus. And his daughter's like, go

for it, dad, buy movie. Yeah. And so he leaves. Well, he changed his daughter to a radiator then he and Ryan Reynolds and Rob Delaney at the same time is talking to Jason Statham like your sister has been injected

with this virus you've got a finder blah blah blah like you and you know like there's a lot of bravado machismo shit going around yes well there's a thing though because I think one first of all the preview tells you that she's the sister

the movie hasn't let that slip you. Oh, right. Yeah. Because, like, he goes, like, Shaw goes and meets with Helen Mirren, who's the mother. She's in jail from the previous film still. Okay, so that was the previous. Yes. Yeah. Well, that, you saw that movie. I don't remember. I'll have to listen to myself talk about it on this podcast to refresh my memory. Actually, it's her character from Red. Oh. Yeah. The Red extended universe. Just shove Red into Fast and Furious. Now you can take your grandma to the movies. It's like the monster from Akira. It just starts taking all the things and making a part of its own mass.

But so Rob Delaney is presenting it like, I believe it's a thing where it's like he's showing him pictures, but you can't see who. Oh, it's like, yeah, it's like, oh, this woman's in trouble. Yeah, just saying this is the person with the virus, blah, blah, blah. We gotta talk about it a little bit. So he's like, oh, Mom. Hey, Mom, remember when I was, she's like,

you know, why don't you ever talk to your sister? A, they never bring up the brother until the very end of the movie. Yeah. And they keep showing the scenes of the brother and the sister growing up together. The other brother isn't there at all. Luke Evans is fucked out of the memories entirely. And there's like a three-year difference between the two. Maybe the older boy is like 12 and the girl is eight.

Three or four a year difference. There is a 20-something year difference between Jason Statham and Vanessa Kirby. And it's fucking crazy that they get away with this in this movie. You know, you kids used to always name your little plots. Oh yeah, the Keefe Moon. That's when we blew up a safe. And we named it that because it was just like music. blowing my brains out.

It's just so stupid. It's like fucking 25-year-old Jason Statham and a baby. That's really what it should be. Well, here it is, everybody. Jason Statham, born in the year of our Lord, 1967. Vanessa Kirby did not touch down on this rock until spring of 1988.

What? And they're like, in these flashbacks, they're like the same age. Jesus. It's like, oh, yeah, remember when you were a college student and I was born and you got upset? And also, I'm weird. It's like, remember when I was 58 and pregnant?

Oh, wait, you're telling me that I was born during Star Trek, the original series, and she was born during the next generation. And I mean, like, we do that all the time. It's kind of the weirdest way that we do, because we always do it in movies, like, speaking of Ryan Reynolds, that Green Lantern movie, him and Blake Lively,

like, went to. to grade school together. With Peter Sarskoy, quote, the same age. Like, it's that thing where, like, men have to age down to be anywhere near these incredibly young women that we have to hire in movies. In Hollywood, like, men are Benjamin Buttoning. Yes.

And, I mean, like, yeah, Statham looks great. He doesn't look like he's 50 years old. Like, you know what I mean? Like, he looks great for his age. Yeah, he looks like he's 48 years old. Just to complete the family, by the way. Luke Evans was born in 1979. Okay.

So that's, like, feasible enough, I guess. Middle child. I'm 10 years apart from my older sister. So that's, you know, that one's, I guess, something. Did you guys used to blow up safes together? We did constantly robbing banks. Did you give them cheeky names, your little capers? Yeah, you call it the Travis Barker.

The Travis Barker, the Pee Wee Herman, the Billy Joe Armstrong, all those, all those pranks he used to pull. Oh, yeah, we always pulled off the mighty, mighty boss tone. Oh, yeah. Well, like, actually, great point now. like he's calling her the keef moon yeah like what fucking year was this same exactly how old is this girl supposed to be in this movie i would love to know i guess she's supposed to be older than she is in real life yeah she gets aged up i guess like maybe they met in the middle where they're both

40 like i don't understand the rock born uh the rocker yeah because because she's got this relationship with the rock in the movie that they're going to be the sister fucking double he's got to be in his mid to late 40s i would say probably because she was born in 80s So they make her 31. Very young, by the way. A young child. Dwayne the Rock Johnson was born in... Come on the internet. Let's fucking go already.

Oh, it's giving you Alcatraz's birthday. In 1972. It's like 47. But I'm just saying they're romantically entangled. There's a bit of an age gap there. 47 and 35. What is she? 31. Oh, 31.

Yeah, it's a 16-year... difference. It's getting there. You can drive a truck through it. Where in Michael Douglas' territory? All of this to say, though, that those fucking flashbacks are stupid as shit. It doesn't make any sense.

So the rock goes to England and he when does he meet up with Decker-Shaw? Is it right here? No. The idea is like, oh, because after these they're both set on their missions, Rob Blinnon and Ryan Reynolds

talk to each other, more Reynolds vamping. Yes. And he's like, yeah, we're going to get them together and they're the only two that's going to save the world that we're talking about we say save the world a lot in this of course set your stakes lower like hey there's a there's a briefcase with all this money and blah blah blah to be fair in the fast and furious franchise every week the world's about to end like literally every single week because he even says the rock says i saved the world four times already and it's like okay cool i don't care those were the four fast and furious movies maybe it's time for the world to end sure if we're constantly on the brink like this but there's even an obnoxious Ryan Reynolds thing where he's like hey Rob Delaney do you think it's possible that my guy's not gonna like your guy and then split screen no fucking why yeah right they very much get the pointed the one fuck actually it's interesting MPA-wise you can have two people saying fuck at the same time and technically it's two fucks but you got the one because they said it at the the same time. Keep the PG-13 rating. That's a bad day for like the audio editor. Like I got to get it right the same time. Yeah. To harmonize. Otherwise we're going to get that R rating and we're totally fucked.

Also, rate this movie R. That's my other question. What age range is this movie for? Because I think it's for children. 13. Yeah, I think it's for literal children. It is. It's 13 to 18 and with like complete losers 13 to 75. No, here's so mean. I gotta get my dentures out

and go see my fest and furious movies. Here's the thing though, you just you lower the stakes enough, you make it not gory, you reduce the language, all of that stuff. You lower the bar so that 13 year olds can go into the theater for it, but

it still has everything else that like older adults will watch this movie. I mean, it's a total market. Yeah, there's car and there's ladies and there's explosions just like this whole franchise yeah the 13 to 75 range like I said

I want brains I was just trying to say without calling people who like this fucking stupid like you were this I mean this franchise really has done it to me

like I cannot fucking stand it anymore they gotta stop making these movies I'm sorry they ain't gonna buddy they've gone and that's what we got in our last movie

with Cipher and all that stuff where the stakes are so insane and not sensical that it's It's not a car chase movie anymore. But that's what's funny, though, dude, is you were busting balls a second ago about it.

Start with stealing VCRs. And I'm longing for those days. Of course. We steal some VCRs. We go have some coronis and cook some chicken or something. What are your favorite fast in the furious movies? Mine? Yeah.

Seven and five are the two. Those are like the, yeah, the five to seven range where that's the thing. When it gets away from street racing is where I'm like, okay because I don't care about street racing but I'll watch you know espionagee spy action stuff my favorite is the Zapruder film

it's a car chase movie no like the rock has to turn this into his Instagram feed Eric has to turn this to his Twitter feed well done so it's just an action car car caper and he's like this is when

Stan's like you're not going to touch my sisa and he's like yes I I'm going to touch her a lot because it's a cool thing. I mean, also, by the way, the McGuffin of this movie is a woman, so thumbs down there. Like, everyone's trying to get this lady. Also, does anybody here, I just, I, does anybody know what this disease is?

It's never defined. It's a thing that's just, we are told by Ryan Reynolds, as that pancake stack is being served, that it turns your insides into soup. Yes. So nothing. But then they say it's a,

programmable disease. Yeah. Correct. And I'm like, well, okay, so you take, you just put this thing in your old vibe, Vanessa Kirby's walking around like fucking day. You're not shitting. You're not vomiting. You're not getting a little sweaty every once in a while. Are they like nanobots? Are they contained in some way?

They're little like tablets and shit that are in her hand. Right. So the candy coating of the Advil that's in her. Oh, hasn't worn off. And there's a very specific timeline. In like 72 hours I think at the beginning of the movie, it's like 72 hours Once that goes, it's going to go in her bloodstream, then she's going to be airborne, and it's going to destroy 60% of the world or whatever the number.

Wow, exciting. It's really, stakes are higher. Stakes are pretty high. Kind of would prefer VCR theft at this point. Definitely, absolutely. I just want her to, like, blow her nose once. Something, I beg of you. And then, like, Goop comes out?

Yes, Goop, Eric. I was always going back to Duke. When the Palchral's blog comes out? With Pulcher just comes out of her nose. Oh, that'd be something. I'd be Shakespeare in love with that. In this scene where they're, like, arguing with each other about doing the job and whatever. There's two, like, control room guys who are there.

Is the one guy Joel Murray? I'm pretty sure they're both nobody. So, again, is the one guy Joel Murray? Joe Murray, he was on Madman, right? Yeah, he's the Freddy, whatever, the dude that pisses himself. My favorite moment of his. Because there's, like, two dudes. Oh, I don't think it was Joel Murray.

I think I would have noticed it, but maybe I didn't. Okay. Whatever. I mean, we would look at IMDB to confirm this folks at home, but there's 185,000 actors in this movie. It's impossible to find. It is too long. I will say that it probably isn't because my father always emails me

whenever a movie featuring the Murray Brothers comes out in theaters and he did not send me one. Look at this new Murray notification. I guess Caddyshacks getting a fucking retrospect. Just did a cursory search here, did a little Apple F on the old cast sheet, not Joel Murray. So Statham goes to her apartment, runs into some bad guys, fights them. She's got this apartment from like Blade Runner 2049, by the way. You see all this neon?

I don't know what's going on. And the Rock finds her and they get into a fight. She breaks a bottle over the Rock's face, face specifically. And he's like, er. Like he just shakes it up and someone threw a snowball at it. I mean, I'm sorry. It's glass. and flesh. I know he works out. It's cool.

But he lifts weights with his face, dude. So it's all just muscle. Can I point out one of the most silly parts of the start of this is when the rock is initially like trying to find out where she would be. He goes up to this dude who's at like a satellite command center. And he's like, why don't you look at the whatever? And the guy's like, we did that already. Stupid huge monster person. And he's like, No, no, no, no. I need you to magnify that area. Remove this.

And he's, like, telling this guy how to work this satellite, and I'm like, no fucking way. Also, look my balls. Just, I have to throw that out there every 30 minutes. Look my balls or do something with my balls. Lick my bunghole motherfucker. That line could have been used in this movie,

dude, bring it back up in some way. And they're like flirt fighting a little bit here. She's also kicking the shit out of him, which is pretty great. Yeah, she does a bunch of arm bar stuff. She puts a motorcycle, helmet on and then just starts smashing her face into his head. Like, she has one of those apartments where, like, even if you were, like, to tap the toilet paper, a computer would come out.

Yes. And, like, what is this computer that Jason Statham finds in her living room? I'm telling you, it's like, it's from Blade Runner. You hit a kitchen cabinet, a computer and a TV come out, fucking kitchen, this entire goddamn, like, super weapon system comes out. So, like, as Hobbs is fighting her, Shaw winds up, like, fighting all these dudes in the apartment that come looking for her. grenade. Soan pulls a pin and a really long time passes. Yeah. And then it's like an

afterthought, like Statham jumps on the ground and puts the pin back in like at the last second. I thought he was self-sacrificing. I thought it was just going to blow up. Dude, it's these movies. He could just jump on it and be like, wha, that sucked. Oh, I need some stitches now. I'm going to dust this soot off

on my cartoon all right. Just drinks a bottle of Pepto-Bismo afterwards. Oh, I'm all right, man. Yeah, the part when the rock is running off that cliff and then looks down. As this is going on, we cut to Idris, who goes back to this, like, minority report office. But he's also painting a tunnel on a regular wall.

And it really gets our heroes into a bit of a problem. This, the ETIAN offices, where he goes into this room and he's talking to some voice-modulated guy who's like, you've got to get the virus. Now, is that from other movies? 20-49. This is a brand-new thing.

It's a brand new thing, but I guess I can tell you here because you don't get it in the movie, but at least according to the IMDB listing, let me just find it again really quickly here. Doing the voice

of this like manager. According to IMDB, it's Ryan Reynolds. You can hear it. If you listen to the him when he's doing these back and forth with the computer, like all the vault that goes up and down because like, oh, it's a computer voice, so it's all different.

But occasionally it just drops out and you can hear Ryan Reddell's just saying shit. But the idea was that's just sort of a placeholder and they'll... Save it for the sequel. Exactly. Whomever is going to be the bad guy. Right, right. Oh, so they're just going to do what Mission Possible Fallout did. Oh, that's interesting. That's a

smart move. Um, so yeah, so he captures Hattie, brings her back to the office. There's like an interrogation bit right here, which just leads to more fighting in this office. Fighting and them talking about how big the rock is, which is like he's writing balls. He's writing this into the

script. Could somebody mention how enormous I am? Like, we've done that a couple of times. No, no. Again. Do it again. And again. Also, fit in something about my balls being spotless and smelling like lavender. Oh my God, you're so

big. You can't even fit through that door. I know. It's bad. It's stuff, right? Oh, God, I could barely fit in this car. I'm so enormous. At least there's some jokes of like Shaw being like

you know this is supposed to be a discreet mission and you walk in like a fucking doorway or whatever. Yeah exactly so that works but that stuff does work because it makes sense because like yeah of course he wouldn't I mean he doesn't the Rock's character does not actually work for the CIA no he's just a guy. DSS

yeah so anyway so it's like diplomat secret service oh I thought it was like a new down to fuck pipet yeah the Rock is DSS so as they're arguing about everything Edris breaks into the office and there's a big shootout here

bang bang and this becomes the first big chase sequence and I mean like the problem with like having and this is what I actually don't like about the one thing is the so much of this movie I mean like 70 to 80 minutes of this no more than that

is how much the rock and Jason State of do not want to be in this movie I'm not going neither am I if he goes I don't go If I don't know, can we just resolve that in minute 15 And just at least be like, well, we don't like it But we're gonna work together. No, the entire fucking movie They're like at each other's throats and it's not exciting or fun.

No, and it's not funny. You get over it so quickly. Because also it's like I've seen some other movies where they interact together. Yes, exactly. You know that they can work together. Well, that's the whole point of why they're united to do this mission. And it's not tense because you're never thinking they're actually going to really go at each other. so it's just useless you're just listening to kvetching yes it's bad boy syndrome bickering non-stop bickering so edris comes in he's got his fucking tron helmet on that's like showing him all the weak points of these people question this also the self-driving motorcycle if your question is dumb if he fights for the user unfortunately i don't think so my question is like so when when we see him get his upgrades it's in his spine and whatever it's all about this bizarre suit that he's wearing, which is basically

like an X-Men suit, a Brian Singer X-Men suit, I should say, is like, can he take that off or no? Like, what's... He can. Because it's not all the suit. Like, he's getting, like, implants in his body. His eyes and stuff. It's like a bulletproof suit. Okay, so he can

just take that off and go to the movies, is what we're saying? Yeah, he can have a normal life. As much as a bioengineered mutant can have a normal life. Sure. This movie's long, so long. Why not just throw in a segment where Idra's Alba goes to the movies, gets some popcorn. We get to see them

like real time in line for concessions. Whatever. Number two combo. Yeah, that'll work. On the future of evolution, I'll have nachos and popcorn. Oh, I only get two sides, do I? Okay.

Mac and cheese. Dude, can I get an extra biscuit, actually, instead of just the one biscuit that comes with it? This will blow your mind because he walks into the movie theater and it's playing Hobbs and Sean. And then it gets to the part where he's buying concessions

and people are like, wait, what's this then? And then Hobbs and Shaw break into the movie theater and they're like, whoa, we're in the movie. Do they have the golden ticket? Can they pass through? No, I'm thinking more Gremlin's sort of a situation where Hulk calls like, hey, eat yourself, but you brother, you better get back in that movie

or else I'm going to be really bad. Hey, Hobbs and Shaw, you get out of that projection booth. People are hearing him buy cold soda and hot popcorn for Idris Alba to be sitting in the theater not in the movie. Yeah, that suit there might be bulletproof. It ain't Hogan proof. Oh, fuck, dude, this movie could have used Hulk Hogan?

I think this is during the midst of his N-word controversy. The trouble. Sure. Yeah, sure. So, yeah, there's a big stupid chase through London. He's got this super motorcycle that's dumb as fun. The only part of the chase that I really remember is, I mean, we're going to This is where I start falling asleep. Yes.

Because, I mean, it just goes on and on. Some dude gets picked up, I think, by the rock and thrown into a pile on. And oof, dude, does he get it? It's awesome. Dwayne Johnson, like, sticks his arm out of a truck and just grabs a dude off a motorcycle and is holding him until they drive up to, like, a column or something. And somehow, fucking Hobbs doesn't get his arm ripped off. Yeah, obviously. But, yeah, this dude smacks into, like, marble or something.

You see him, like, pop like, a bottom. balloon almost. And the car that they're in the rock looks so uncomfortable. It's like a they're sitting like three people in I think Statham's driving. It's a British thing's on the other side and like it looks like a happy meal tour like

this dude's enormous in this fucking car. There's no way the three of them are fit in that car. And gymnastic room is like can I just God this sucks this ah Jesus Christ. Hope you don't mind sitting bitch. I'm gonna say the rock just needs his arm out just for space. Exactly. It's just more comfy fellas.

But after this attack goes down, Interselba turns into Yosemite, Sam. Because there's like a thing where like a double-decker bus separates them and everybody goes, no, no, no, no, no. And he's like jumping up and down. Yes. I kind of love that. I was kind of like waiting for moments like that where like, because otherwise he's just a badass yelling at a computer. And then finally like one moment where he's like, ah!

He's throws it down. But it's like, all right, they beat me in this chase scene. Better light it up. And I guess this organization has control over all media. They released this story that Hobbs and Shaw are the ones that stole this virus. King of all media. He's announcing this in a room that looks like the TED Talk room. Yeah.

And he's just in the middle of it's like, all right, the narrative is and is doing this whole thing. Yeah, dude, let's not talk about spinning narratives in Hobbs and Shaw. It's one thing if this organization has super people, sure. That doesn't bother me that much. but they like control all media now and like they even get out like um there's a big um uh big tv that's like hobbs and shan wanted for myda and like they're like oh no he's gotten to the media i'm like what are you talking about maybe the whole thing is like the villains of this movie are actually like the roy family from succession that would be

Brian Cox is at the top dictating all the news or it's a you know the globalist uh all the globalist scumbags. They want to put they want to make into super serum men and they've got viruses. Catch him in bed with Hobbs and Shaw.

Thank you, Steve. It is it veers into like protocols of Elder Zion and whatever. It's fucked up. It's really weird. Yeah,

they get Adris Elba on the floor at the end and he's like gasping for him. He's like, Etion is not the villain. The villain is Sora. That's right, folks.

You heard it first. Soros is paying protesters. George Soron. He's got mech-suited protesters going around saying that they don't want to die in war. Now, we all know

that Hobbs and Shaw is a fictional movie. But what I am saying is, ladies and gentlemen, there is an Etienne out there, and George Scholar Shorling's it. Hillary and Clinton, of course, there would have to be a black Superman for George Shorner. So all I'm saying.

It's all I'm saying, folks. Ask the right questions. Cabin, I thought you were going to go Royal Tenenbaum's. Now everybody, as we know, Hobs and Shaw is a fictitious film. But what I am presupposing is, what if it's not? That's right. And then Idras Alba rides off in the frisculating dusklaught. Man, frisculating.

I love it. Well, hold on. Why do they go out of their way to say that I am not a genius? Now, hold on a second. Now, who exactly is running this Grand Budapest Hotel? I mean, beyond the middle management. Well, there is one that he's actually said, You made a cuckold of me.

He has said that to his wife over, screaming into his speakerphone multiple times. Folks, there's a train coming in, bringing immigrants. You don't know what's going on with it. It's called the Deer Geeling Limited. Just makes me disgusted even saying the name. I am reading all sorts of propaganda

coming off the French dispatch. you don't want this to be you don't want to wake up one day and find yourself in a moonrise kingdom the same folks all right we're not not everyone's going to be able to look good in the tweed suit i guarantee you at some point in his life he said never in my wildest nightmares did i imagine i would have sons like these he's also at one point in his like lock it he's a spoon out of his mouth and gone the fuck you care what do you mean you won't call me fantastic mr fox i'm not attractive enough teresa that's right we just got breaking news here that max got fucking jerked off in the back of a bloody jaggoy oh fuck so yeah so now the whole world

is looking for hobbs and shaw and it's like oh we've got to go underground they wind up stealing this scientist that created the virus. Played by Eddie Marsan of all people. Doing this Russian accent thing. It's fine. And he's like, oh, the only way to stop it is you have to kill yourself. And I'm like, cool movie.

It's funny. It's called Snowflake or something. The virus is called a snowflake virus. That's no accident folks. That is, I repeat, no accident. The Snowflake virus, it causes you to put your pronoun

and your Twitter profile. Okay, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, Fast and Furious Presents, Hobbs and Shaw is a leftist text. You have to read it to know what's really going on. Actually, they're saying that the number one way to contract this snowflake disease

is not to like InfoWars on Facebook. Yeah, the Snowflick disease is going to make you come down with the really hardcore case of Hobbs and Shaw derangement syndrome. we have to take the snowflake missile and we must find a safe space for it. Also, here's the thing about Hobbs and Shaw, right?

Here's this like mission. They're totally fucked. Like the whole world is coming after them. Like, their photos are everywhere. Why is it that this time, this whole thing is going on? Why is Hobbs, neither Hobbs nor Shaw picking up the phone and being,

Be boop up. Hey, Dominic Toreto, we're totally fucked right now. We need so... Like, why is the... It's so... Well, well, where. Look who's crawling bears. Exactly, but it's like, it's so dumb.

Why, with these spin-off things like this, you got to tell me that Dominic Toreto's off that. Like, I tried to call Toreto. Yes, well, also, I even thought, like, because at this point they're like, well, we have to go to the Ukraine to find this virus and blah, blah, blah, blah, or the base where they're at,

That's the only way to get it extracted. They're going there, and Michelle's like, well, I'll go a friend that can help us. And it's this lady, you don't see who she is. I'm like, oh, is that Michelle Rodriguez? Like, that would kind of make some sense. Right. And then it's not. It's some lady that who has one line in the movie makes out with Jason Statham,

just to remind you that he's into chicks. Right. You can not forget. He's hot as fuck. Top hetero. And it's the, it's John Ham's girlfriend from Baby Driver. Yes. Oh, okay.

She's fine. I mean, like, again, she's in it for two scenes. She's like, Gonzales. She's in Alita, too, for a little bit. I got to finally watch that movie.

So they, oh, you still haven't? I still haven't. I still have. Elita? Yeah. Yeah, so I watched half of it and the theater was evacuated.

I really liked it. It's kind of a divisive movie. Some people hated her like it. Yeah, but I think it's one of the more underseen movies of last year. It was totally enjoyable movie. I wanted.

I tried to see it. Edit down that rollerblading sequence a little bit. Maybe just a little bit. Yeah. Oh, we see Shaw's cool pad. Oh, right. His fucking basement bachelor. Dude, this guy's just jerking off in here, guaranteed.

It's like an... You gotta do it somewhere. Underground thing where there's all these like custom cars. He's got a bar where it's like all the liquor is decanted. There's not a single bottle with a label on it. He's got a big jar of my brain flex pills. I've got to go and find. There's one, only one person who can get me off the grid.

he's been living off the grid for years I call him prison Paul well imagine my shock deckered shores in my mother's basement dude then you kind of make it like a die hard for thing

yeah my command center if that guy wasn't a deplorable racist you could imagine him being in a movie but he's not there's other deplorable racists in movies though yes it's sad and prison paul

played by Mel Gibson despite our disagreements with Paul Joseph Watson we think he should be in movies that's all that's all you're driving garbage so he's like

I'm going to set up this whole thing like we're going to have new identities immediately Statham is doing this all from this basement garage where it's like all right like I changed your fucking biometric profile

so that when you go through like airport security it's gonna say you're a different person and like Jason's ideas well I'm gonna put on a hat um yeah did you do you guys pick up the name he used no

Franz Gruber oh that's sort of yeah that's a thing he should have been a villain in one of those diehard movies that would be great that would have been red

I'd watch that I guess I watched this but I'd watch that the Rock's alias is Mike, Mike's Cox, Mike Cox Mall. Mike Ox, Ox Mail, which if you say Fast enough is Mike Cox Mall. That is funny.

Funny. Fucking funny. So it's a little bit of comedy in your film. It's pepper and some yuck. And then he also like, get someone who knows comedy to write this shit. Don't just let Ryan Reynolds go off on the tangent. And cock small jokes while I respect them. I don't like this one. No, it's not good.

You got to do it right, folks. It also does very, if you. You've also been eating 7,000 of them every fucking 20 minutes of this movie. Sure, like, that's the thing. I love a good prank call to Moses Lex Bar bit as much as the next person. But, like, the Simpsons only do it once an episode, you know? We're doing it a bunch. The other thing, too, is like, so he's like, oh, here's your bad name or whatever.

The Rock, by the way, has a mustache in this scene and does not in the next scene. It looks good. And it bothers me. It looks great. It looks good. I mean, is it supposed to be fake then? Is that the idea? I don't know.

It looks like a real one. Yeah, probably. How's he just getting a mustache? Yeah, I guess it. I reshoots. He can make hair grow on command. I think it was part of his disguise to go through security and be undetected. But Shaw has that rivalry with him that he puts shit on his like, I don't know.

His idea or something. Yeah, his permanent record is bad. So he gets, and like, he's like, well, that's it. You're out of the movie, L.O.L. And it's like, it's been 40 minutes. You guys have to be a team now. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, really just get it together. It is a real shit or get off the pot right about now. Can we fucking focus on this? Also, not for another. The Fast and the Furious guys being ridiculous and all, you know,

with all the motor power and on the, taking commercial flights. All right. Yeah. I mean, I think they should. And I think everyone should. But I didn't expect them

to get on a commercial airliner. It should be a thing where it's like, I put in a coal. Here's our private jet. Well, we do that later, which is again, a huge logistical hole in this movie.

Oh, well, just the whole starts rearing its ugly head right here because he gets on the plane. Yeah. They start arguing once again, just waggling these fucking cocks. The Rock gets out of the scenario with TSA or whatever this is.

I mean, it's a different country since it's not TSA. Whatever the British. Yes. By just being super charming. Yeah. Which is, I like, I like that detail. Why not? And this is where the real fucking, like, they've been Vanessa Kirby and the Rock have been flirting this whole time. Sure. But here

is five minutes. of the rock telling Jason Statham that he's going to fuck his sister and he's going to do it raw. And like he's, I'm a sex mountain. Are you going to, I'm going to let that silly fucking climb

this sex mountain. It starts off with him like, you ain't going to touch more, sis. And he's like, well, she's a grown woman. She could do it.

Like, we're pretending like any of that matters. He's like, well, that's a very retrograde attitude to have it these days, blah, blah, she could make her own decisions.

I'm like, it's too late for that in this movie. And then he's like, but also I'm going to fuck it with my big. rock dick dude it's like okay i'm gonna let her climb this mountain if she chooses to the other thing though is statham taking it right to the hole here because it's not just like don't fuck my sister he's like you're gonna impregnate my sister yeah and even the rock like fucking hobbs is like

did you say impregnate what no well i mean that's fair because i do impregnate every woman i fuck so super potent right over here listen these superpowered simowans are gonna come and make love to our women and impregnate them, ruining the white race. Black Superman will get your sister pregnant. The babies are garbage. Man, that dude stinks. That's right, folks. They're turning the babies garbage garbage.

You know, the garbage pale kids? Yeah, that's going to be a real thing. Speaking of garbage babies, Kevin Hartkin shows up here. He's the dude who turns around. It's like, excuse me, will you stop arguing? And they like, there's this whole bit about, like why he is instantly recognizable as the Air Marshal.

Oh, because he's got like a golf polo on and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he's just like, oh, I get it. You're, he like identifies. He knows that they're spies or terrorists or whatever. Yeah, it's like, what? And he's like, and I want to be part of the team. And they're like, why? And he's like, don't worry.

I want to be part of the team. You want to be part of the team. Okay, well, I'm working for Al-Assad. Like, what are you talking about? You just got recruited, dude. Yeah, exactly. Like, your one job is anyone with sketchy business on a fucking plane? You got to fucking take them out.

All right. So Kevin Hart, you want to join the cause? Yeah, we are working for Bashir al-Assad. We need you to commandeer this aircraft. It is landing in fucking... Somewhere. He says, is a Tripoli. Kevin Hart, like, uses some line like he wants to complete the holy trinity.

And I'm like, dude, this is desperate. And I mean, like, obviously... The gag is it supposed to be desperate, but it's just not funny. And it keeps coming back. It keeps going on. Keeps coming back. I don't need him in the movie. I don't need him in the movie.

No. But Steve, actually, in looking through my notes here where we are in the movie, you were remembering correctly because this is them going to Moscow. This is where they meet Madam M.

Got it. Because Statham's like, I got me old friend, blah, blah, blah. And so the Rock is like, oh, you have a friend in the Russian mafia. And he goes, no, she steals from Russian mobsters or whatever. And it's just this woman, like,

invading this mansion and like are they killing people here with an army of like model spies that she has all her own look this is another movie entire it is a direct to streaming i'll fucking find you at the bottom of a list somewhere movie john kusack movie yes totally must love spies and like she hooks them up with stuff like um kevlar outfits for this big raid they're going to do in the compound the rock chooses to get a short-sleeved Kevlar's shirt what are you going for short sleeves dude like I know you have big arms but they can get

no they're not bulletproof yes they are bullets will bounce off he's just a flex real quick I think the gag though is that like it's the only thing they had for him because Jason Statham makes him joke about like the shirts too tight and he gets like self-conscious about it for a second but yeah if you're making a bulletproof shirt

there should probably be some arms to it also there is a part earlier in the movie when he's like flexing his arms but he's also flexing his brains, where he mentions Nietzsche and shit. The biggest dumb guy energy I've ever felt in my life is the fucking rock saying no, Nietzsche.

Yeah. And just like flexing my brain. It's so stupid because like Dwayne Johnson himself is not stupid. No. And just I hate when they have to do these things where a character because he's like a big musly dude is like overly justifying it by like quoting something that this person would never read anyway. But I would

got me thinking flexing brains. Now brains it's like hanging brain yes you know you like your hang brain is like your scrotum is visible hobbs and shaw the film wants you to hang brain but i was like what if you could flex your scrotum and now if anyone can do it it's the rock yeah the rock absolutely every everybody every body part is a muscle he could look if he flexed his toes like wow that's a musselty toe yeah you can't even see right now but i'm flexing my nose giving my dick a workout so the idea is they have this super bomb that they're going to bomb the big Etion offices

in the Ukraine and they have 40 minutes or less or some nonsense to do it and there's one machine in there that can extract the virus from her and keep her alive. Also the scientist gets kidnapped in between those

two things. There is a funny cutaway like while they're dealing with this Russian mobster lady they cut back to the secret vase and Idris Elva is threatening Eddie Mark with a flamethrower? Yeah, it's pretty funny. I am laughing. I am just he-haw laughing. But that's one of those scenes that I really think is what makes this movie so long. It's those little scenes where you could have just said, oh, I killed Eddie Marston and I took the fucking thing.

Or I kidnapped him or whatever. Yeah. That's how we get back to like a solid 105 minutes here, people. Right, right, right. Or like, oh, a friend of mine gave us all this stuff. Cool. We don't need to see her strutting around a palatial villa aside from again, proving that Jason Statham loves the ladies and the ladies that love him are sexy ladies. Right. So she decided, by all the other thing too, I think this is somewhere around here. She's like, look, the only way

that we can sort of do this whole trick or whatever is if I go and get myself kidnapped. Yes. That's the other thing. So she does get kidnapped by Idris at some point. She's like on a table like it's fucking goldfinger. And they jump from a plane. There's a whole

gag about like the rock fucking and pulls Statham's ejector seat first and fucks him over and they parachute right into this smoke stack in a nuclear facility. This scene is the scene from Roger Rabbit with Bugs Bunny and fucking Mickey Mouse and Bob

Hoskins falling. It's like we're just cracking jokes and blah blah blah. It's just cartoon shit. They land and they set the bomb and now they're going. This is the scene, this trailer by the way. We should talk about how long this trailer was. It's a very long trailer. And you see the whole movie. You see the whole

movie in the trailer. It's like a five minute trailer and they played it every movie. You couldn't escape it. Universal was very successful at getting trailer placement for this movie in the lead up to it. I gotta say. Some of you guys said it before, I don't know if we were talking on air or off, but like the Samoa thing should have been a cool like little turn. Like you shouldn't have seen it in the trailer. Exactly. Exactly. Because it's great. You're seeing this beautiful place, all this shit. Like I would have preferred to not see. I mean, it doesn't belong in this movie. It is Hobbs and Shaw too. but, like, if you have to shoehorn it in here,

don't put in the fucking trailer. No, but Eric, no, it wasn't in the first trailer or even the second trailer. It wasn't in the final trailer. Really? Yeah, so that's cool. You know, when we have three trailers that reveal about 20 minutes of the movie

and in the final trailer, because it's really close to the movie, you could just tell what the entire movie is about. Right. Go through the entire three. You're going to see it soon enough anyway. Who cares? Fucking final trailer.

Final my ass. I just, I'm sick of it. We need to go back to a word. It's just teasers. It's just teasers. It's just teasers. Give me one minute and 35 seconds. Every movie gets one trailer.

Gabbo is coming. Exactly. Or not even that. It's the trailer up to the movie. Oh, cool. And you could watch it a bunch if you're way into the movie. But multiple trailers. That's kind of a new thing, right?

It is. It's fairly new. It's first trailer, second, final trailer. We're way into three trailers. The last like 10 years or so. You know why? It's just to justify all these fucking marketing people's budgets. No, it's because like the announcement thing,

the thing like where we're like, we're going to have Dr. Strange 2 come out in 2021. Yes. So in 2019, you have the first one that shows you nothing but maybe the cape. And then the second one, you get some of the plot. The third one,

you get all of the fucking plot. And then you've reached two years where you kept on marketing this thing consistently throughout. Yeah. And so this is the scene in one of, or all the trailers where it's the two of them, it's this totally nonsensical situation

where there's two doors and each one's gonna go through one and fight bad guys and not fight bad guys and it's just like I know it's a duality movie but like what if they went through the same door it doesn't make a whole lot of sense it doesn't make a whole lot of sense yet it's one of the best scenes in the film

it is because what are we even doing how is this even a movie well that's the thing is like when it's action comedy like that when like it's like there's these two scenes and it's funny and there's a lot of physical stuff going on. That works, but it doesn't work if you're also giving it like 50 scenes of Vanessa Kirby explaining what the virus is and 50 scenes of goddamn Eddie Marsen being tortured. And also, by the way, the raid on the villain's compound is guess what that's called,

the end of the movie. Yes. Absolutely. Once you infiltrate it and you're doing this stuff, that's the end of the movie. You fight these guys. You fight some other guys. You fight Adriselba and you're out of there in 91 minutes fucking flat. That's exactly. exactly right because I think if you look at the time code when we get to the ukraine 60-ish minutes it's like okay and then we're going to have like a standoff with the villain there will be an action chase sure you know there's the big thing

maybe the compound blows and then he gets away for like a little bit and you get them yes and then that's your movie also all the locations you need you brief California London Ukraine what more do you need well you need so you need a 60 minutes of most so they go

they they've uh I think the rock is fighting all these guys Statham's fighting one guy. The Rock is fighting one guy with a giant wrench who's instantly dispatched. I feel like they're trying to mirror like the Raiders of the Lost Dark. It kind of is because he just punches him in the face and the guy goes down. Right. And then meanwhile Statham's fighting a thousand people. And like while this is kind of cool, I saw it in the fucking second version of the trailer. You're right. You're right. And it's still one of the better scenes of the movie somehow.

And there's like a facial recognition thing. So Statham has to keep putting people's faces up. It's a fun guy. It's a funny thing. It's some comedy. And Marisan finds Kirby and he kind of saves her a little bit. He gets her out of trouble. Right. So she's loose.

I think she gets herself loose though because of the dude who's going to like do something to her. And she breaks off the table and like kicks the shit out of this guy. And Eddie Marcian has some line of like, how was that possible? Oh, that's right. And the punch line to these two rooms scenario in one. room the guy always tells the truth and the other room the guy always lies. No, that's a different thing. No, and they get through it and at the other end is Idris Alba and 100 guys with guns.

They're captured and they're like tied up to this stupid thing, this car battery thing. They got car batteries tied up to their nuts. That's what this is now. And the Elba is very specific. He's like, all right, guess what everyone? By the way, my voice for Idrisalba and Jason Statham. Same voice. And he's like, guess what?

It's going to be a thing where you can only. survive four of these shocks and like of course the rock's like fuck you and he's shocked I could do five yeah because I'm big what if what if what if Jason did them had a heart attack on the first one like you know what I mean like and that's it

well he's just Mr. Crank guy dude so you just shock him again and he's gonna wake up would Hobbs mourn him oh yeah he would because I think it's all it's all bravado Eric they really are good friends I loved him so much I talked about balls with him for hours sometimes I could talk about balls

for hours. But like they're knocked down. I could be a ball for hours. Dude, Nicholas Cage is the bad guy in this movie? Yep. You should have done. Oh, my, exactly. Yeah. He needs money. First of all, he loves money.

Why is he not in any of these fast? He could be the director in the next movie because there's going to be a sequel. Like that would make, you get some unhinged energy in your movie. Yeah. Would be a little strange to hear him saying, I am the black Superman. Well, yeah.

That's the problem, dude, because... Get him drunk enough at a karaoke. Bar, who will say that? Well, it's a thing where it's like, you know, you should never start your script based on, like, one line that you thought of and then work backwards. Yeah, exactly. And also be willing to change some lines around.

Sure. A black Superman, by the way, all over that trailer. Oh, of course. You're not going to enjoy that in the movie. No. There is a funny thing, though, like when they come out of the two rooms, they get knocked out. So then they come to the scene, this torture scene starts with Hobbs waking up

and Stathen's looking at him and he's like, good you're back or whatever and the rock has some line about like I was dreaming they killed you and waking up right now I'm disappointed and it's like it's just is a funny I just wanted to mention a line that did work for me how are your balls doing buddy

your balls are doing good well one popped unless you tiny dick you tiny dick freak well that's the thing is like I think they do work together but this movie's so overstuffed that it just doesn't work again you often forget that yeah you know yeah so it's a big fucking escape once again

This is the one that ends with a nuclear smokestack falling on Idris Elba and he's totally fine. Well, also, what Idriselba has been told by the director at this point, which makes absolutely no sense and it's only a way... Not the director of the film, this character, the director. But also the director of the film, because it's the only way to prolong the movie,

which is like... Because the idea is like, oh, you captured Hobbs and show, you'd kill them both, but the director is like, I want you to turn them. And it's like, well, they won't turn because this is in a vampire movie. He's like, no, it kind of is. You shall turn them to our cause.

It's only 90 minutes. It has to be 120. You don't understand. If Habs and Shaw could be turned, they could be powerful allies. And the whole thing is the idea is it's this like bullshit philosophy. It's very Rosal Ghoul.

Like there's too many people in the world. And if we call all the people. I mean, this is fucking Thainos. Like this plot has been done. We've seen it. which is like, yeah, we're going to create a global catastrophe that will wipe out half the population and the rest will flourish. But give me a reason why the villain would do that besides population control.

Exactly. Oh, I think you'll find my balls are quite operational. That's what the emperor is said to every woman he fucked because the emperor is fucking now. Apparently, yeah. Oh, I took my Seattle, so it's quite tough. Oh, the fucking, we pan. Okay, the scroll happens.

we paned down to the emperor's half-built balls because they got half blown up last time. He has to go into Darth Vader's little close room to do it. The emperor asks too much. We can't restore his balls so quickly. The emperor's coming here, but we haven't even constructed the shaft or the cum apparatus that drains the balls.

Perhaps you would like to tell him about the shaft then. the dead fuck too the dead fuck that's something that's the porno parody yeah the dead fuck totally dude you all you want

the pornop parody I want a fucking dead fuck Star Wars porn parody you get a Tarkentown dude fucking in that oh dude totally Carrie Fisher can be fucking in that Lois Griffin

Shrek Eric you wouldn't last five minutes I wanted I would not Shrek dude Shrek just pounded the fucking emperor Oh By the way

I saw something I said Eric this will be of interest to you I saw Shrek condoms Wait what Hold on

Get on your little phone All right What are these slime flavored It tastes like Ecto cooler Did you say get on the phone Yeah It's a search it up

It's bog flavored I want Steve to search This not my phone Oh it just tastes like mud Oh fuck Shrek condoms This is a This is a

snail shit flavor. Where did you see these condoms? I just saw it on on Twitter. Oh, I thought you were saying IRL. You saw them at the store. This isn't real.

Is it real or not? It says, no, it's, I'm looking at it. It's not baby condoms? It says, baby. It's this maximum protection in case she visits your swamp.

It's a Shrek condom. Yeah. These condoms contain layers of pleasure and satisfaction. It's got the DreamWorks logo on it. It cannot be it. DreamWorks definitely makes condoms. Dude,

Steven's Beelbring has always wanted to license condoms. Yeah, I mean, have you seen Trek the 3rd? Might be in there. Stay tuned, by the way. They're actually renaming DreamWorks. Did you hear about this? No, it's what?

The Wet DreamWorks. Oh, come on. I thought it was going to be alphabet. So they escape, like you said, a nuclear reactor falls on Idrisalba. He goes, ouch, and he's fine. Yeah. And like this huge explosion, blah, blah, blah.

And they're in the Ukraine. And they're like, oh, man. And Vanessa Kirby was like, that's it. We've got to go. with option one. Option one in this movie is kill her. Because the device

has been broken in this chase. And she's only got like 40, less than two days, 40-something hours are left until the moon crashes

and Zelda's, oh no, that's a, the George's mask. Two days remain. No, but it's like, there's this much time.

We have no time to fix it, blah, blah, blah, blah. And no, the device is broken. We're never going to be able to get this out.

And the rock's like, I know a guy. I know a magician. Hey, babu freak. I wish. But they traveled to Samoa from the Ukraine and I did some Googling to get from Ukraine to the Samoa.

So they would have like five hours left. Like, holy shit, we're in huge trouble. I know we could have gone anywhere else but I wanted to go to home. It would be amazing if like they book the flight and they get on. They're like, how long is this flight? And then they find out on the thing.

Oh, we're all dead. Oh, everybody on this plane is dead. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everybody. You're all dead. This is also where we get another brief thing with Kevin Hart being like, see, I got you a plane, blah, blah, blah. I'm an air marshal.

It's like, oh, I should charge. The air marshals, by the way, have no authority to obtain aircraft. He charted a flight for them, which is okay. He's got all the connections. Also, get ready for laughs. He's taking this entire conversation while he's taking a shit in a bathroom somewhere. Do you get it? And, like, Statham does the old gag, like,

you're breaking up and throws the phone out the window. And they arrive in Samoa. And it's like, okay, this is the new movie we're in. And now it's like, Hobbs and Shaw part three. And his family fucking hates his goddamn guts. And we have to deal with that for a while. Dude, and like the Rock tells this whole backstory. The brother, by the way, is played by the great Cliff Curtis.

And the Rock's mother, by the way, there's no way she's old enough to be his mother. She is like the same age as him, this woman. Yeah, it's dumb. Elaine Stritch comes out. Welcome home, Sunny. Oh, God. What is she fucking Tarkin Town? Yes.

She's been dead for years. Tarkin up a stretch. They should seriously put her in Star Wars. General. She's drunk. No, so he explains to Hattie. Like, here's the deal. My father was like this criminal.

He got me in Cleveland. Curtis involved and I realized like he didn't give a shit if we went to jail for this stuff and you know it was a really bad deal he was going to pull off some scam and I fucking turned him in he went to jail oh my god we just talk about your balls again oh my god this is a whole new conflict we're introducing

in the in the second half of the movie like yeah we paid some lip service in the beginning where it's like you know I don't I don't talk to my family that much not something that needs to be explored in such a detail Because the daughter has a photograph of Hobbs, like, when he was younger. And she's like, who's this other guy? Was that your brother? Your wife, I never met him.

And it's like, oh, man, this is the crazy thing about my... The funny thing is like, so we're going around Samoa. One of the guys in the... It's like Cliff Curtis, the mother, and a bunch of brothers. One of which is Roman Reins, who is actually the Rock's cousin. Correct. Another somewhat famous, a very famous wrestler, if you're aware now. Yeah, I think he's a big...

Does he even still wrestle? But he was, at least... no longer rains. Oh, jeez. Because it's all King Corbyn now, right, Chris? Yes. One guy is wearing a hat that just says Samoa on it at all times. And it cracked me up because it was just like, remember where it's Samoa?

Remember? That's like you're presenting like, here's an authentic New York character who's wearing a fucking New York tourist hat you could buy on 42nd Street. Yeah. Just to remember where you are. I just wish I was in every sequence. Like there's just some guy in you. with the ukraine that's where we are but so the thing that's really dumb about this is the rock has

suggested they fly all the way to samoa waste two days to get this thing fixed because the brother who we're told is just an auto mechanic yes he's a mechanical genius can fix this science fiction device because he's a wizard you might well a wizard would make more sense and you might as well instead of having planes just have runestones where you cast the prior location you could just like transport via the runestone? Dude, could you imagine how fucking jet lagged you'd be after 30 something hours on a fucking plane?

And you're like, just like, you know what, dude, I need a whole day to sleep. And I need a shower. I once took a 22 hour flight. There's no way I could get into a car chase afterwards. So I'll tell you that much. Yeah, just kill me. I just got off the plane. The only way we're going to get out of this is to go to Samoa, you can shoot me right in the

fucking head. And nothing against Samoa, but it's 39 hours away. And I'd rather be dead. I don't want to see whatever that fucking thing in her body's going to do. There's nothing in Poland. We can't just go to Poland, which is like two and a half hours away. We can't just do that. Hell, I could walk that. So, yeah, there's a big confrontation

with the Rock and Cliff Curtis. Cliff Curtis punches him in the face. Revenge for, you know, abandoning the family. There's that the other thing. And then Mama Hobbs is like not having it. She's like, you know, your family. And this is the insane. I had you when I was one and a half years old. This is ridiculous.

He's like, listen, Mama, I'm sorry to like bring my baggage you know to our land and whatever but there's like this whole army of super soldiers come in and I just I thought I'd after a quarter of a century come home and bring this to your

soil now and she's like where are our weapons because we've got a lot of weapons and again this is all in their trailer where and she opens it up but it's a bunch of like you know bats with nails in them and like you know obviously traditional traditional bats with nails in them they're like actual

like Samoan weapons. Inslave humanity, will you? That's a fucking Mo Cis-Lack. Hey, Mom, where's my brother Negan? But he's like, no guns. And again, this is, and she's like, no, we want to do it the old way. Again, all in the trailer. Yep, yep.

So the Rock's like, you know, hey fellas, I guess we're going old school. And there's a montage of them just like getting ready to set a trap for these guys. And they're like, oh, you know, it's a cool idea? Their guns are computerized for no reason. and if we can hack that then we'll even the playing field so like Vanessa Kirby hacks the guns you know what I'm glad you're telling me because I don't

remember this happening this is the whole thing is like well how are we going to get rid of the guns and because earlier in the film Vanessa Kirby tries to shoot Idris in the face and he's like you gotta activate the gun with a chip or like whatever so she's hacking the guns there was some other movie

of course right what was it Judge Dred maybe Judge Dred yes you can't do that so yeah this whole thing's going down and like it's a it's a really big you know we're getting ready to save the day montage here and they cut to like just some of the characters like just saying lines every now and again they fucking cut to dwayne johnson and i got i got to tell you right now i was cackling laughing at this line and it's unfortunate because like i since i follow him on social media and i know like how pumped he was to have this part of the movie go down yeah of course with his heritage and

everything but he just has a line i think he's talking to shaw uh jason statham shaw and he goes who'd have thought this is where we were going to save the world yeah and he's like looking out over the majesty that is samoa a dude i was just laughing because you're saying save of the world the hundredth time and again who thought the way to do that is a movie called samoan sheriff and it's the rock on samoa and it's a totally different movie and it's fucking kicks ass it fucking rules Span Samoa and Sheriff. Tycho Watiti is his deputy. Sure.

There you go. Just remake Walking Tall in Samoa, which I know he did, but do it well. Yes. In Samoa. Yeah. I thought part of that on TV recently, and it was terrible. Oh, his walking tall. Was that still during his film career where he was still pretending he had hair?

Yep. Yeah. It just looks like painted on. But that was the beginning of him being like, no, we're not doing this hair thing. That was also the start of like his really getting a little. the movies, right? This was like his the Marine. And the tail end of the Johnny Knoxville experiment in films.

Oh, he was trying that for a while, wasn't me? The Johnny Knoxville experience. JKX, dude. Oh, it's the same thing. Ew. No, it's more like the Manhattan Project. So many people died. The amount of devastation. Oh, no, you're thinking about the

Jamie Kennedy experiment. Experience or experiment? It was an experiment. All right. Yeah. It's also an experience. Not a good one. So they're going to create what they call a killbox And Statham kind of has some line

And Dwayne Johnson once again The island will provide Brother, he says to Statham Because again it's now this movie about Samoa Which is fine but it's not this movie And well we're on island time now Which means the The virus is slowed down

It's a third act is now 70 minutes But speaking of slowing stuff down though This after this montage is sort of like Crested it ends with there is this hilariously long copter shot

of Dwayne Johnson walking to Vanessa Kirby and I'm like all right so cut to the conversation nope just he's still walking we're still flying in the air it's it goes

it's like a 20 second shot it should be no more than five what I'm saying is that I love you I think but then they have this conversation and she kind of like kisses right here. There's a little bit of something going on. And then she's like, no, no, no, that's

never going to happen again kind of a thing. But I was like, dude, get it. We'll talk about it if we get through this kind of a thing. Yeah, we'll see if we live to see tomorrow. Because they're talking about, like, this could be the last sunset we ever see. And there's like 40 minutes left, and Cliffton, Cliff Curtis figures out how to solve the fucking thing. Right. Oh, yay. And he's just

like, rebuilds a bunch of parts with a 3D printer. But unfortunately, it's summons the centibites. Oh, damn it. I had it. I had the machine switch to centivite. They would be awesome and fast and the furious because like they could throw their chains under these cars. Would you like to race deliciously?

Is it a Dracula? Oh my God. If at the end of this movie, Vin Diesel looks like pinhead and you're like, what happened? Dude. See you in the next movie to find out. I went to the Atlanta Olympics when Richard Jewel was fucking a security guard and all the

pins went in my head. Yeah. That's for Chris. A long walk. Wow. Yeah, that was a... Did you hurt yourself with that stretch? I should talk about helicopter shots. I saw that thing. I'm like, just make out already. Sometimes about the journey.

So then like, whatever. It fucking goes down. They show up. Their guns get hacked. Vanessa Kirby has this impossible machine tied to her. Again, she is the suitcase full of money that we're trying to get.

Yeah, absolutely. And she's carrying the machine like a suitcase. She's dragging her fucking dialysis machine with her. There's some stupid thing where, like, Vanessa Kirby was like, shouldn't I be hidden and out of the way? And then, like, I think it's, uh, Stan's like, no, I want you close on the front lawn of the action. Well, actually, that doesn't make any sense because, yes,

I'm getting a medical procedure done right now. Yeah. So I need to be in a bed. I need to, like, really need to. Put this woman in a fucking basement and lock the door. Also, Deckerd, it's a matter of time. She's got 20 minutes and this thing is over with. Yes, exactly.

Yeah. There's still time to kill her and burn her body. There is that. Right? Which is what Eddie Marsan is strongly recommending they do from the jump. I would have... Eddie Marsen get burned by a... Oh, no.

It is so fucking blinking. You miss it. Idris Elba is racing after Hobbs and Shaw and Shaw's. And he just quickly is like, all right, then. And breaks his neck and just keeps going. Yeah. Totally unceremonious kill. Pretty funny, though.

Arsson gets the flamethrower back on him at some point. Oh, yeah, he tries to get him. He's like flaming Idris Alba and stuff. That's cool. It's fine. And so, yeah, this big fight. And also, like, Idris Alba, who is very good in movies is not good in this because the movie doesn't allow him to do anything.

No. He's like a, he's great, but he's never gotten a good part really. No, he's never had a part of a movie, which is kind of a shame. Those fucking Marvel movies, like he's in all the Thor ones or whatever. Like, that's a waste. He's in a ghost writer movie. Oh, right. Total waste.

Thriller with Was he in the movie with Beyonce? Was that him? He was in two thrill. The Beyonce thriller, the one with Catherine Hegel Oh, she's trying to fuck him. That's obsession.

Obsession. Is he in that movie? Edress is the husband and he is with, no, final destination. What's her name? Allie Larder? Allie Larder, I'm sorry. Yeah, okay, that's right.

I mean, just give him like something like nice and restrained. I would watch Idris Alba in like the American. American? Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Or, well, what I think happened... Haywire-esque type of thing. Stuff like that would be great. But the thing I think that happened

was that somebody said a good idea, Idris Elba should be James Bond. And then he thought, I'll just take movies that are kind of like James Bond. Yeah, forever. Except for they're all suck. I would have watched a bit of drama. Like, just whatever. Like, oh, no, the, oh, no, we lost the kid

movie? I'll watch that movie. Wait, no, he can know it's some, oh, no, I lost the kid movie, didn't he? No, it was a plane crash movie. Plane crash movie with Kate Winslow. Yes. Yes, the mountain between us. But no one saw that.

No, nobody saw that movie. I'm trying to find, what the fuck movie? What was this? Ghost writer. Thriller, though. Spirited or Obsessed? Yeah. Because he had, so there was no good deed

with him, Taraji P. Henson, Leslie Bibb. Got it. There's that. But I'm like, obsession you think it's called? Obsessed, maybe. I swear, look at Beyonce's fucking filmography. It's like five entries.

Yeah, I guess that's true. Oh, he's also, like, he was like totally fine in Pacific Rim, I guess, though. Oh, yeah, he was good in that. We're canceling the apocalypse. That's the thing is he needs to be like a president. Like, he's good in that kind of like, I'm the leader type role, like a Bill Pullman type. Let's get everybody together. Right, right, right, right.

I mean, he would have worked in like Woody Harrelson's role in that Planet of the Apes movie or something. The movie is called Obsessed. It's from 2009. Oh, okay. But also, like, he could have been in a Star Wars movie. I'll watch that. Oh, definitely. Oh, Idris Elba in the Star?

Yeah, like if he was in, like, I like Diego Luna in the movie, but if he was in Rogue One, like Snap and Stormtrooper next, like, I'm cool with it. You know what? That would be cool. He was a good villain in Star Trek 3. I thought he was pretty awesome. Oh, yes. He's excellent in that.

He's good at that. I think we found it. We found the one. That's the good one. So, anyways. Not in this movie, because he's barely in it. And when he's in it, he goes, boy, oi, oi, and, like, fights people.

And, like, so this is the very long, there's a lot of, we're fighting with the island weapons. And then there's this big helicopter. It's the last level. This is definitely a video game situation. The helicopter's flashing red. The get, um, Vanessa Kirby, he steals a suitcase that is Vanessa Kirby and puts her into this helicopter.

They're trying to fly away. And now Hobbs and Shaw, are after her. They're working together. Fucking finally. Now, it's not a damsel in distress. It's a virus. And at one point in this very long,

really long protracted chase sequence, there's a chain on the helicopter. We're doing all sorts of stuff. The rock is pulling down a helicopter with his very strong arms. I'm sorry, dude, that's getting ripped off. That is getting ripped off like anyone's arm. Yep, it's pretty dumb.

Also, you want to talk about the bad editing in this movie. There's a fucking lot. where you don't even know the end of the sentence. Like, he's arguing with Idriselba, like, via truck to helicopter, whatever. And he goes, welcome to my island, you. And it just cuts. And I'm like, what is any of that? I think that's a, that's a, we thought that was going to be the F word, but we decided to use it earlier.

Like, it was one of those, like, and or are we going to go R with this or be not? So there's probably a line. I was like, welcome to my island, motherfucker or something like, you fucking asshole or something. and then they're like, we got to cut that because it doesn't work. And now it's just welcome to my island. You. You. I'm there. Could have cut the entire thing

or maybe cut the you out. It doesn't even, like it's not essential to this chase scene, so it doesn't matter. It's just weird. And then it just cuts because we have to make time for Dwayne Johnson's cartoon to fucking fly off this cliff. I mean, there was some really bad CGI around here.

And obviously you're not going to dangle trucks off a cliff via helicopter. But also, all these other, like all the other Samoan guys get in cars and they're like, let's do it guys for Samoa or whatever we're saying. And we're all like locking in. Yeah, we're linking cars in very impossible ways.

And we bring this helicopter down that it starts to rain because it's another movie altogether. Here's the thing. Is it Roman rains? It's Roman raining outside. We're told at the beginning of this whole thing that the strategy is you get the enemy,

like you start your attack right before. sunrise so the enemy's tired and off balance and then like the sun is rising and in their face and you get the sun at your back to attack these dudes that's the whole thing so we're told it's fucking dawn right this whole chase happens they fall off this cliff all the other Samoan dudes get away like they're all safe

the helicopter and Hobbs and Shaw's car go off this cliff they fall down into this pit it looks like where like the dark side hole was and less Jedi yes definitely And then all of a sudden... You went right to it. You didn't even hesitate. You didn't even try to fight it.

All of a sudden, we're on an alien planet because it's fucking dark outside. It's raining. Like, you can't like the scene this way. Guess what, dudes, the predators here. No, yeah, Russell Crowe is trying to get on his little flying thing and get out of Krypton. The dragon that he's got.

I just couldn't believe how drastically different. it's lit. Because nothing matters in this movie. This movie, like, if you take four seconds to think about logistics, someone's like, shut up. Like, no, I want it to be raining. Well, it doesn't make sense because if you think about it, no, no, shut up. Yeah, too bad. Well, hold on.

They can't go to Samoa. They're in the Ukraine. I love how coherence is too much to ask for. Well, that's, ever since I heard Ben Affleck's commentary for Armageddon where he says, like, Michael Bay, just on, you know what, Ben, shut up.

I do hear that all the time Whenever a movie like this is just way overblown You just hear you know what Ben shut up Exactly Well we can't go to Simone There's only four to shut up Yeah it's fine it's fine Shut up we want to go to Simone

It's fine So they realize the way to beat him Is again to work together And the whole thing is like All right one of us Will like eat shit and take a hit from him And then the other person secretly Comes up alongside him

And clocks him or whatever And it's like rockem sockum robots Vision like stupid like I'm low mo Identifying target block block block oh yes well yeah you get his like Terminator vision video game vision

yeah like incoming attack you know assault imminent I am a hungry hungry hippo I will eat these balls and Vanessa Kirby dispatches the last goon and removes the virus from herself yep yeah she gets that all out

and it's totally fine sure and they like beat him and Decker is about Shaw is about to kill him again and is like You want me to kill you, don't you? But I'm not going to let you. Because I'm a good guy now. Oh, by the way, and you killed my brother, Luke Evans,

who wasn't in any of me flashbacks. Like, you couldn't have gotten a third little kid that's also part of it. Or they're like, you know, ever since Luke Evans died, the family's been, like, something. Was he at least like maybe a half-brother that they didn't live together growing up? No, they were real brothers. Cabin, do you remember what the deal is, though, with how Luke Evans eats it in that?

that movie because what Decker says to Idris in this movie is you made me kill my own brother which I don't remember what went down there. I forget exactly but he does I'm 90% sure he's actually dead. Yeah well isn't he in the Fass 8 2?

Did they break up? No they did. Was he? Oh yes. Isn't that the thing in Fast 8? He's alive again. He's not dead? But then he I don't remember. Then he dies and he gets. Jesus Christ I really don't know. I don't know. Because it's like, oh, brother's working together. is like, right, brother.

Because they're both working for her, Charlize their own for a minute, but then they're not. But also they're like, there's really this, in this, they don't talk about it too much, but in this franchise, they really do have a syndicate going on. Because the villain in number four was hired by the Shaw brothers, it turns out, and that's how they bring them in. Oh, the Shaw brothers, good stuff, dude.

Yeah. Fucking Hong Kong. Oh, yeah, I wish. Oh, yeah, I wish those Shaw brothers. He, yeah, Luke Evans is in the fate of the furious from 2017. They dies again, I guess. But he doesn't kill him. And then the director's like,

I will initiate your self-destruct protocol. But if they do that, he needs, Idraselba needs to laugh like the predator. If that's the game. It's kind of a weird thing, though, because in his Terminator visor, he sees the thing that's like shut down imminent. Yeah.

And it's like closing windows for the day. And he just kind of, he just drops dead. And he dies. He falls into the sea. He does. He falls right into the water. Back to the sea where he came from. What a shity villain.

What a shitty villain. Yeah. I mean, what a shitty movie, honestly. Like, if this movie wasn't so overstuffed and they gave Idris more shit to do more, I don't know. There might have been something. And also, like, anytime it's like I'm actually the number two for the real, real villain, well, I don't care anymore. immediately I don't care anymore Because you don't have

That allows you to not give them any character Because you're like this isn't the real one Exactly we're saving for the sequel you guys Also the one thing I will say about this movie And it happens right now So they've saved the day They're all like oh man I need a vacation Whatever they're talking about

And immediately the Rock is like Well thanks for being my side kick in this movie And then like Jason Statham says And I never knew I needed to hear him say this He goes like well yeah you know you're my sidekick actually you know Batman Ed Robin

Hon Solo had Chewbeca and I'm like Fuck Jason St. They just said Chewbacca Yeah that's kind of all I need it Chewbeca Chewbeca Also it's very important To the left We have the sequel set up here

Where the Whatever The director I'm gonna get you next time guys He fucking He hacks this fucking like downed chopper he hacks the radio system

and gives this whole thing about like Hobbs and Shaw you're on our radar now by the way large stack of pancakes am I giving away any hints yet? Yeah it's me Ryan Reynolds well and then the four there's like three stinger scenes four that's four that's four it's four

okay so we see so it goes to credits by the way hilariously both Johnson and Statham are producers on this movie Dwayne Johnson in the PGA Oh good for you Which was nice to see

But yeah So congrats like kind of hit And then it's like Oh first stinger scene Is you see them like Reuniting their families So like Hobbs Takes his daughter to Samoa

And he's like this is your grandmother Kind of a nice little scene Yeah sure She gives her a big hug And then like there's this Earlier in the movie Like Helen Mirren's in prison And she's like I don't want to break out

Did you bring the cake? And he's like Hey mom I brought you a cake We're breaking you. Yeah, a prison. Right. And she's like, you know, so excited to see the two of them back together. And she's like, all right, I'll see you kids in a few minutes.

Like she's going to immediately break out of jail. And I'm like, I don't know, show me that. That sounds like it's pretty cool. The second stinger is Jason Statham at a bar and the rock calls the police on him, right? Yes. And it's one of the alternate identities that they're yelling into the bar about. Oh, okay, sure. it's like IP freely

get out of here like whatever it is what is it Mr. Balls please come out but it's ridiculous because Jason Statham walks out on this

London street corner and there's like 12 cops there and he's like this isn't gonna end the way you boys think it's gonna and I'm like

I don't know with the police shooting you except right now come on that's a great way to end this movie it's like the end of training dig

it's fucking destroyed by 12 machine guns oh the rock I got shot 12 times I got bruises all over me and then we also get the fucking more Game of Thrones jokes Ryan Reynolds calls back

well this is the one that takes fucking forever it really takes forever it's just like him and he's Ryan Reynolds thing all over he's like I'm bleeding to death you need to listen to me blah blah blah and like this is when he really spoils the end of Game of Thrones too which it was only like whatever July or something so it's like a month and a half after

if people were trying to catch up no people were literally pissed about is that right I was reading about IMDB so you know great and salt but like yeah if you're just like you know maybe you just started game of thrones and you just want to like get your kind of catching up or blah blah blah and then like Ryan Reynolds is like so John Snow spoiler by the way John Snow just fucks his aunt and then kills her what the fuck's that about man I think there's talking about this where like oh I killed a guy with the brick there's a new virus that instead of melting your insides melts your outsides and it's

like it feels like it's the obvious like another like sequel set up type of thing but also Then it diffuses and then it sounds like he was making it up. That's the problem when you're like your character is just making up funny things to say in the second at the expense of all reality. This is where I feel like he's fucking saying funny lines. He's just improvving or whatever. And it's just like, did they really use the entire thing? Yes. Yeah, exactly.

Like I thought you were to use one or two of those. Yep. No, Ryan, don't turn off the spigot. Just keep going, baby. Just cold. everything he says this is so fucking funny and it's it's because of Deadpool they were being oversaturated

with Ryan Reynolds who I do genuinely like and stuff I do I think he's fine I like those two Deadpool movies You gotta cut that improv down dude You know I'm sorry Wouldn't fucking Judd Appetow direct this Like come on

Also by the way the name that Hobbs calls in when Shaw's in that bar is Hugh Janus By the way if Judd Apatow director this would be another hour to the runtime Eric Banna comes in at the Well, Leslie Mann needs at least 40 solid minutes. I know.

She needs work, you know. But it's also so we've deduced, not deduced, we've discovered in looking at the credits that he's credited as playing like the director of this evil agency, doing the voice for it and whatever. And I guess he was given, he's credited under a different name is the whole thing. But like, if that's the case and he's crooked and whatever else, why is he doing this thing where he's fucking with him with Game of Thrones? No, it's literally, I don't think it's supposed to be Ryan Reynolds.

You know what I mean? It's not, or maybe they'll go that way. Because the voice is modulated, they can just cast whomever they want. It could be F. Murray Abraham, the next movie. You know what I mean? But why would you bother having Ryan Reynolds do that then, though? Great question. I mean, because he's around.

He's like buds with the rock, I guess. Just as much as much Reynolds as you can get in your movie, I guess. Just fucking, yeah, you want to do a voice? We got an answering machine. You want to do the voice for that, too? Yeah. Oh, we never actually mentioned, but I guess his character's name is Locke. Okay.

I mentioned that. I don't know. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all because his character doesn't matter. The movie doesn't matter. The movie's over with it. He's just driving around, talking about getting a divorce. Rob DeLine is Lobe.

Lock and Lobe. Oh, Lock and Lobe. There you are. There's your next movie. Would anybody recommend this movie, though? Not in a million years. I found this a totally nihilistic slog. It believes in nothing, nothing matters.

The tension is diffused at every turn. We cut off your Johnson. Just snappy dialogue at the expense. If the one-liner works and destroys the whole movie, fuck the movie. Because the one-liner is going to work. I despise this movie. And like Eric, I despise this franchise.

Thank you. Who's Johnson, dude? This is also a marmot in the county. Anyway, we'll do Big Lebowski. on WLM. Sure. This is an incredibly numbing experience. Like, I just sat there being like, this is still

happening and like nothing was registering. Chris, can I ask you something? Yeah, sure. Were your nuts numb? They were not. They were actually the one thing. They were throbbing at the time. God almighty. I mean, put that on the poster.

Dwayne Johnson makes my balls throb. How do you have balls throb? It's never happened to be. Bend over and we'll show. I guess. You got to be in the club. I mean, after they've been kicked, the throb, but, you know. Oh, this is pleasure throb.

Oh, okay, pleasure throbs. We do have two Narts kicks in this movie at the start. In their like, here's how our days are starting. Oh, right. They both use ball kicks to start the fight with the people they're going out there. So it's like someone wearing like a stiletto stepping on. Now we're done. Yeah. There you go, Eric.

Anyway, are you done? I am done. Are you sure? I am. It's what I was asking the movie last night, actually. Well, now I can get off your nuts. anyway yeah I wouldn't recommend it

I agree with Steve that this is a piece of shit I mean we all we all kind of think that way yeah it's a piece of sure if this was 90 minutes just buddy comedy shit

you know you could maybe even edit this down to being a coherent film and Steve's right how they go for the jokes and it undermines the movie but it doesn't matter because their audience is too fucking dumb shit

on fucking buttered pot Popcorn and Dr. Pepper, my friends have turned against me. It's coming around to my thinking. It's just like, I can't stand it. I honestly can't stand it. I don't think you should watch it if you haven't watched it. And it is one of my least favorite films I saw of last year. Yeah, and you know, like I've said, there are some of these movies in this franchise I like.

This really is just nothing. It comes to, and it's unfortunate because I like both of the stars. Yeah. I like Vanessa Kirby in the Mission Impossible movies. And Elbis, you know, he's an Idris too. Like a big fan of Edris, man, nothing comes together here. It's way too long for no fucking reason. And also, I'm not averse to liking mindless action a few weeks back.

I recommended American Mike 3 to the world. Like, go watch Angel has fallen over this. It's infinitely better. I agree with that, a big better. You know, and it's also just, you know, a sequel from a fucking tired franchise, but somehow it's better and it doesn't cross the two hour mark and you know a totally mindless movie

that I loved last year was crawl like crawl is exactly it's like it's not mindless mindless but it's like there's no there's nothing to it it's about a woman in a house with her father and a fucking bunch of cool alligators and shit has more than one oh there's a couple of them you still have to see it

I got to watch it and that's like people like I like to turn my brain off and go to the movies turn your brain off and go see crawl yeah there are some logic problems with crawl but it is an engaging experience. Yes. And I'm just waiting for the day when we can have fucking Samoan Sheriff, dude.

That movie will rule, I guarantee it. Oh, walking ball. Walking bald? There it is. There's the movie. That is Fast and Furious presents Colin Hobbs and Shaw, directed by David Leach.

If you want more We Hate Movies, check out our Patreon. patreon.com slash we hate movies. this may be the end of our worst of 2019 month, but don't worry about it because we hate movies. We'll be back next week. As always, Steve Sadek, what are we chatting about then? We are, as a movie, really turning our screws on the adoption process

because we're watching orphan. The 2009 horror thriller type of thing. Yeah, with Vera Formiga and Peter Sarasgard. It's a blast. It's a weird fucking movie. It's a weird fucking movie. Never seen it. pretty excited about it. So until next week with the Orphan.

I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Siddak. Chris Cabin. Eric Sisko. Take it easy.