We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 475 - A Sound of Thunder

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

On this week's episode, the gang's descent into madness—a.k.a. Listener Request Month—brings the boys to the doorstep of one of the absolute dumbest films ever covered on the show, A Sound of Thunder! Why couldn't they get Ben Kingsley for longer? Who is Ed Burns fooling? Could that dinosaur have looked any worse? And why did they bother releasing this at all? PLUS: A fair use-covered review of a mildy-beloved Tom Petty song! A Sound of Thunder stars Edward Burns, Ben Kingsley, David Oyelowo, and Catherine McCormack; directed by Peter Hyams. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

on this week's episode. Wow. It's like, oh, barely a movie. It's a sound of thunder. I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Bradbury. Eric Thunder. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, listener request month continues as we talk about something that I'm certain should not have been released at all. It is a sound of thunder from 2005, directed by Peter Hyams, who I believe we're going for the four Pete here. Oh, yeah. director of previous episodes Stay tuned

End of Days and Time Cop Welcome to the Four Timers Club Peter Hunt And he starred in OJ Made in America That's right Noted

Best Friend of OJ Simpson Wow Is amazing Did he Is he like Stillbuds Or was it like The 90s

Did things get a little Cool in the 90s He has one of the best parts The movie Where like some He's like So this guy comes up to me And he tells me

You know OJ killed wife and you're like are you tell me OJ killed his wife and he's like yeah I'm telling you OJ killed his wife's like I felt so betrayed I felt so betrayed in that moment why that OJ didn't tell him first something like that it's amazing it's one of my favorite if you had like a huge party and you didn't invite me I would feel very betrayed and we're best but if you killed your wife I'd be like oh my God what a piece of shit and a monster I feel bad for your wife. I'd also be appreciative that you did not take the time to call me and ask

for assistance in the cover up. So Peter Hines should have been thankful. Maybe that's what he feels betrayed. And I could kind of see that. I could see the help down. I got a shovel. I could drive a white Bronco. Come on. I got connections in this town. No, I could imagine being a little curbier enthusiasm annoyed like, no, I wouldn't have helped him, but I would have liked to be asked. I mean, like, I would like to be thought of in that moment. No, I would have turned him in. That's the other moment with him is he's like, and I swear to you,

if he had told me that he had been the murderer and he just did it in a blind rage or something, I would have been okay with it. He's like, but you know, all this shit covering it up can't be done. That's it. That's the breaking. Honest murder.

Honest murderers. Yes, that's what we need. Be open with what you did. Exactly. Yes. Speaking of honest murderers, this was requested by Tony from Ontario. Let's listen to him real quick. Hey guys, this is

Tony from Ontario, Canada. I would like to recommend A Sound of Thunder from 2005. This is probably one of the biggest pieces of shit I've ever seen. Don't know how they've released this in theaters. And probably some of the worst CGI I've ever seen. Thanks, guys.

See ya. There it is. Yeah, everything Tony said is totally true. Correct. Thank you, Tony. I never saw this before and I feel like this is almost a quintessential bad movie. This was a blind spot in my Hymes rewatch. I saw this a couple of years back complete green out situation. I think I got like 20 minutes in

and then woke up for like the last 10 minutes. Well, you're the one that you're the one that put the Kvork on this show. You stay tuned to this years ago on a time cop, I believe. Another Peter Hyams joint. That makes sense. I would have brought it up there. Yeah. Because I mean, as everybody knows, you know, I'm a fucking time travel fanatic, man. And so, of course, I'm going to be attracted to a movie about time travel such as this.

And also, like, the idea of altering the future if you fuck with stuff. So it's like, well, this can't miss. Boy, was I wrong. It's a miss. It's a miss. And this is also, like, you know, to be fair to this movie, this was one of those classic, like, troubled productions. They ran out of money, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah but you know what it comes to a point where maybe just maybe you should just flush the toilet

completely get every last drop of that turd down the drain and not release the movie well that's it's it's it's the party analogy that I was going to like if if I'm throwing a party and like I'm like hey guys come on over I'm going to do the food I'm going to do the drinks and all this stuff and the food comes in and it's rotten and the beer guy cancels it's incumbent upon me to call all my friends and be like, you know what, guys, party is canceled. Can you stop at a stop and shave, please? Stop and say that. That's what I shouldn't do is like try and futs it together and be like, no, it's fine.

I got a, you know, all they had was Carlo Rossi wine, so we just drink that all night. I promised. Pierce Broson was going to make an appearance at the party. Now it's Edward Byrne. Oh, man, everyone is pissed at me at that point. You sniff at orange peels, but they're very nutritious. Eric's pointing out, though, that Pierce Brosnan was originally attached

to this motion picture. Right, yes. And another director, who was that? Rennie Harlan, I had a problem with, apparently got into some creative dispute with Ray Bradbury and walked off the project. I think that's overblown.

I think Rennie smelled something in the air. It was like, good night, everybody. Because that's a guy who's been attached to some bad movies, so he knows when the fucking, you know, the chickens coming home to Roos. You go through Cutthoe Island. You know.

No. You just, you smell it in the air. Cutrow Island is an abomination. I remember watching it as a child, I was like, oh, so excited. Because I'm like, oh, this is everything I like, you know, swords and ropes and oceans and yes. And then I'm just like, I can't even make it through this fucking movie. I'm 10 years old, folks. I never even seen it. I remember watching it as a kid and thinking it's bad too, which was a big deal for me too.

Yeah, what bad movie? Yeah, those exist. That idea of like, oh, no, movies can be bad. Oh, fuck. A bad pirate movie? That can't be true. Bad pirate movies. Well, there are some good pirate movies.

Yes, there are many good pirate movies. Yes. Captain Blood. The Seahawk. Captain Phillips. It's a good pirate movie. I mean, that's true. It's not really about pirates, but there's pirates in Master and Commander.

Oh, is that right? I've still never seen a great movie. So this is based on a Ray Bradbury short story wherein people go on time safaris to kill dinosaurs, like thrill seekers, like Rich assholes, dude. Sure. Steve, Steve. What is the name of the company? Time Safari.

It's a time safari. Time, time, time. Oh, I played that in the arcade growing up. They had that like, you held the gun and there was like a button on the floor. Time crisis, dude. Time crisis fucking rule. I fucking played time crisis. They had a time crisis in the lobby of the multiplex and I would get to work early to play a little time crisis.

Before I had to clock in, man, absolutely. Great game. I was getting high in the parking lot. But time crisis was great. I remember it. So, yeah, and it's, that's it. And Edward Burns is like the tour guide or whatever, and it's like a butterfly effecty situation.

Quite literally. Quite actually, literally. Now, Steve Sadek, you're quite the vociferous reader. Have you read a lot of Ray Bradbury? Not a ton. I read The Illustrated Man. I'm not, it's just a very like style of sci-fi that I respect

that it's just not my bag. Right. Martian Chronicles, I read early and really loved and I read some shorts. Never read the illustrated man though. I was really surprised when he died like two years ago. He did 2012, but like... Oh, okay. But it was like

Jesus. Oh, eight years. I can't believe. But yeah, it was one of those like, wait, who just talked? Are you kidding? You may as well say fucking Mark Twain just died to him. It's like, what the fuck? He was like fucking smoking boges with Rod Sterling. Exactly. All those guys were gone.

Oh, my friends are dead. Red bread, berries gone. Oh, man. And then he's training another writer to come up. I like it. That'd be great. I buried Asimov. I burned my mother.

So this movie's got quite the cast. By that I mean Edward Burns and Bed Kingsley. and a young baby David O'Yello. Here's the biggest question on the table with Mr. O in this movie. What is this accent? Not good. What are we, is he trying to do an American accent here?

Reform, I think. It's before he got his. He's b-bop and it's scat all over. It's before he got his legs. I still, I always have a soft spot in my heart because Selma's awesome and he was railroaded by the academy and someone said set that guy's career to bust

after he complained about not getting nominated. Somebody in his smoky room is like, he's done nothing but HBO movies for the rest of your life. Well, you know what? I think he was railroaded by the academy because they were like, you know what?

Yeah, you were great playing Dr. King in that movie. But you know what? You were in a Sound of Thunder. Oh, really? Somebody had a long memory on that one. Like, we can't nominate the guy from the sound of thunder.

They judge, like, the whole body of work. That's why, like, Russell Crow gets the Oscar for Gladiator because they're thinking about the insider and he didn't get nominated because he was thinking about a sound of thunder. Got it. It's right. The thing about his accent is you have to remember. It's the genius of it is in the accents

he's not doing. Skittly Bob Ditt. Indeed. It's what? It's what, 255 we're told. Yes. Man, this is, you know the exteriors and all of the bad? It reminds me a lot of, you ever see that Atlas Shrug movie that came out in the

mid-a-old? Or probably like the 10. Is that the one with the Sean Hannity backing? Yes. Yeah. They did that entire trilogy. It was all the same director. I saw the first one and it reminded me so much of this. Just like the bad, it was like super cheap, super bad.

Let's talk about that first because it does like paint the rest of the movie. And this obviously has to be from them losing money in the budget or whatever. Well, they ran into money in post-production. Is that what it was? It was franchise pictures went bankrupt in post-production. The fucking hubris with the CG. It's just like, no. We don't need to go outside and film on an actual street.

We'll just do a soundstage. It's all green screen, and we're just going to make a street afterwards. Like a mind-boggling decision on their part. Like, the movie takes place in Chicago. For some reason, speaking of mind-boggling. I mean, it's fine, but it's like, what? Time crisis looks better than Tate's CGI. It does look better.

Virtual cop looked better than this. I mean, it is astounding. they're just like walking down the street and it's fake and you're like what the fuck like even if you had the best graphics team yes it's still the dumbest idea i guess because they wanted to cg all the cars to make them look futuristic but then like dudes you could still just clear the street and add those later it's not there's no point in world building if it's unconvincing from the beginning yes it's more like just put yep make it a normal street i will be like oh cheap movie cool yeah i mean you know how many cheap movies we've seen that it's like it's the future but you're only seeing like this executive board room and like this underground facility you just say it's 255 don't go outside and i would believe it more yeah no one would care like they're just going for these friendly walks down the street they already set it up they said there's a deadly virus fucking that wiped out a bunch of people and a bunch of animals at some point so don't go outside it predicted i mean there's a lot this movie got right i mean

of Costco buying Poland Spring and all the masks he can buy. It is set in Chicago and they do have a joke in the background where the Cubs pennants, you know, like the little flags say that the World Series wins of 2046 and 22.

Oh. Working backwards, they were like kind of close. Yeah. So I mean, yeah, exactly. This movie predicted a lot. But the thing with the cars, too, you do see some like real cars because when they have to do like close-ups Lars in the real car. Dude, they might as well be.

Like, they are just regular cars with like, like, fake, like, cardboard fins on them. Like, they just look so fucking bad. They're like weird taxi cabs that are like tank taxi cabs kind of sort of. It kind of give me a vibe of like total recalls, Mara's taxi. But like, why are we even doing that? Why are we predicting that the world is going to be so different in 2050? The skyline shots really confused me. because they every time you get a sky

they have a weird, I assume it's this building that they're in where there's just this, but each time it looks different. It does. There's like one time it looks like the Avengers Fortress. And then another time it looks like the hotel from Ocean 13 and then sometimes it looks like the 9-11 memorial. It's just like insane.

Right, yeah, that big building. That's supposed to be where they're located. I think. I mean, why else would you put it in the fucking skyline? They had one shot of the entrance to Time Safari from the street and I swear it looked like a strip mall. Dude, it does. It totally does.

I was like, is this a laser tag? What's going on here? It looks like if you're standing in front of it, it's like time safari, laser tag, a fucking Korean nail place. I'm not going, I'm not getting medical procedures done in a strip mall. I am not time traveling in a strip mall.

You know what I mean? I'm not getting my laser surgery done. I'm not like, not go to a dentist. I'm not. And I'm not traveling back in time. No, absolutely not. But that's what's confusing, though. I think that that building that's like clearly fake

in the Chicago skyline is supposed to, to be that but then when you get close up it is just like it like the lettering in front of the building looks like a used car dealership like a Porsche dealership like from the outside and like here's the thing about just to talk about Ben Kingsley

in this movie sure and his wig if the name of the company is Time Safari yeah he cannot look like this he needs to have he needs to have like a crappy suit with a Hawaiian

shirt underneath. I like that. Like loose pants with a belt that doesn't look right. Yeah. It's like it's a con. He looks like a guy that tries to finger you when you're going to sleep. You know what I mean? Like absolutely. That's the wig that's going on. He's got this

like shitty goateish kind of thing going on. And when he does it he just goes whoo. He's got busy fingers and it's I'm not leaving my wallet there. I'm not getting undressed at time safari. No way. He looks like he worked with Dr. Wiley at some point. Built a fucking

Mega Man. Getting undressed at Time Safari reminded me of another thing that's weird in this movie is there for some reason and I guess

like this need not apply to Ed Burns and all of the scientists or whatever in Time Safari. But everyone else in this movie

is dressed like it's Batman the animated series and they all have like old noir hats and coats on and I was like what is any of this? At one point

Ed Burns looks exactly like a Nazi. I don't know what's going on. He's got this big brown coat and a yellow shirt. And I'm like, what side are you on, man? Like, if you're going to commit to like, if you're going to do like retrofuturism, shit like that, go all the way. Go full sky captain. Yeah, totally. Sky captain had a lot to do with this, I feel.

Maybe. I mean, what I guess? It kind of been that much of like, like, wasn't skycapped in like 2003 and this 2005? Skycaptain was definitely first, but clearly also had like more money. All CG. I think is the influence there although we'll do another one that's almost all CG and it turned out to be this

Sky Captain is that actually was Sky Captain one of the first times we saw some what we now call like Tarkin Town because didn't they bring Lawrence Olivier back to life in that movie? I'm dying to rewatch it for some reason I remember liking it when it initially came out and I know a lot of people dislike it's all your aesthetics

you like that whole thing yeah yeah I remember being aggressively nonplussed by that I was like, oh, there's a Zeppelin. Fuck yeah. He's like, you're a big, you're Zeppel. I was a fucking Zephead, dude. So we open on,

you don't know what's happening really. You get this bad scroll and now we're in a jungle, which we're told is fucking 65 million years in the past. The weird thing about the scroll is it highlights fucking Ben Kingsley character

who doesn't have a lot to do in this movie. Yeah, well, I think the scroll department got one script in where he's in this movie more and then the movie movie had another script where he told them all in no uncertain terms to go fuck themselves

and left the production. By the way, the scroll I took a picture of it is in the year of 25, a new technology was invented that could change the world or destroy it. A man named Charles Hatton used it to make money. You would think the movies about Charles fucking Hatton. It is not. Sure.

It's like Ed Burns with a fucking stupid ice gun. But here's the thing. thing, you take Ed Burns and maybe have a better actor who could do this instead, but the character of Ed Burns should be Charles Hatton. He should be that guy.

Yeah, I'm wearing a white wig. Maybe you don't even need the white wig. Hey, look, it's me. I'm wearing a white wig. Yes, you know, I'm like a bogeillionaire scientist. Yeah, whatever. I got a white wig. I'm nice to my sister. How's this chin hair treating you?

You like it? Brush it up against your chin. He looks, I mean, yeah, he could be in fucking Sonic the Hedgehog. Absolutely. Dan Kingsley. So, yeah, he's the money man, I guess, behind all this. And Ed Burns is like the brains. He's like you're the Sam Neal of this movie. Correct.

The Dr. Allen Grant-esque. He's Dr. Ryer. Yeah. Dr. Ryer. Oh, what is it? Something Ryer. Chuck Ryer? Travis Ryer.

What a fucking name. Yeah, I'm playing Travis Ryer in this new time travel movie. Can't you change it to Travis Fitzgibbens? No, no, really. It fits better with Travis Fitzgibbons. Travis Ryer. Travis O'Shaughnessy. Travis Ryer sounds like a country musician.

Yes, exactly. Let's build out a franchise, Travis McMullen. She's got a heart so big. Oh, man. Crush this town. We got to get that. We had to invent time travel and prevent Eddie Burns. I was going to say to save Tom Petty?

No, specifically to stop Edward Burns. Yeah, we'll let everyone else die from fentanyl. So we open it's fucking, it's dino time. I can't think of a dollar, bigger waste of time travel technology than just this singular. We're going back to this one spot killing this same diner. the whole thing takes under 10 minutes and this is all we're doing with this technology. It's kind of crazy. The setup is supposed to be a cop-out because you're in this moment and you're in the jungle

and you're like you're supposed to think this is real and that's hard to do because of the way everything fucking looks. Well that's what I thought I was misremembering the movie and I was like oh this is clearly like some cold open where they're explaining what the technology would theoretically do because it looks so fucking terrible the dinosaurs specifically right this is sub-fi channel shit yeah this is this really this should be a sci-fi movie but i don't understand the lot i guess the logic here okay so they go back in time and kill this dinosaur moments before it would have died naturally by falling into like this pit of mud and whatever or killed by this volcano

eruption that happens but yeah they i guess they keep going back to the same dinosaur and I'm like, how are they not, aren't they there already? Shouldn't they pick a new dinosaur every time? Yeah, I don't. Or maybe go to the Wild West. Just like when they come back, it doesn't happen. They kind of go to the Wild West. There's a brief wild westening that happens.

Yeah, this is during the time waving. Well, I think we talked about this in some episode, how cool would be to be able to like, you get to kill Kennedy because you know he's going to die anyway. Like, you know what I would totally be like, yeah I try it you know what I mean like Zuprooter Safari like or you know

you get to kill you know John Lennon possibly and like David Chapman's like get out of here you damn time traveler I like this idea you go back in time to kill John Lennon and suddenly like something fucks up

so now you're a man on the run that has just murdered John Lennon and the rest of the movie is like the fugitive you just happen to be from the future No, no, no, you can't kill any dictators, only good people. We only do good people that you can kill in this one. Not, not Hitler, we leave him alone, Mussolini, we leave him alone. John Lennon, Kennedy.

No, it's people you know when they died, Chris. Well, because that's the thing, like Hitler fucking did it to himself whenever, dude. I don't know that we got a real timetable on that. That's true. And plus, I mean, he was in a bunker pretty well guarded. I mean, he's still got guys around. Oh, no, but that'd be cool, though. You do, you got, like, Hitler goes into the bunker to kill himself,

and it's you and you've got like a chainsaw and like you ready to go to town on Hitler. Dude, I love so you were like... Hitler Town, Inc. Come on, go to town. That's such a better idea. You're like, just picturing like the guards

outside the bunker door, right? It's like, yeah, you know, we've not heard Jafira rumbling around in there for a few minutes now. You think he's okay? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God, that's a fucking chainsaw.

See, and they have in-app purchases for that. You can, like, buy just, like, a bucket of grenades to fill out of war. So, anyway, yeah, this movie. So, yeah, the whole thing is they're going to go in. They take, like, 10 steps. There's, like, some sort of... Super pathway. Like, liquid glass path.

I don't know what this fucking thing is supposed to be. Well, the idea is that... And they explain this in the... I did read the short story in the way here. Much better. And it's... The short story is really just... contained in one safari and then

they come back and uh oh history has changed forever we fucked up we should have never done this right that's it that is all it is but the idea is like you're on this separate path so you can't step on anything like you are not actually touching the ground right right right

it kind of looks like the fucking like weird jelly that comes out of people in Donnie Darkhouse oh a little bit yeah it's also just some like random graphic from a Peter Gabriel video And Steve, before we went on the air, you were telling me a little bit about that short story. And the sound of thunder is the steps the dinosaur makes, right? Yes, yes.

It would have been, like, you could have started this out and made it more horror-esque. Like, you don't see this fucking terrible CG monster until maybe the last second. That's, I mean, you have to, you have to draw, this is the movie. You have to draw this part out a lot and, like, make it interesting and, like, have atmosphere. But they immediately just put you there and they have the thing that looks, this, dinosaur looks worse than an action figure. It does. And it just ruined.

The whole movie is over the second. You're totally right. It's like, well, now I am just counting the seconds till the credits because this fucking sucks. It doesn't even move right. Especially later on in the movie where they try to distract it. It's just like, uh, glitch, glitch. And then you have to watch this fat old guy be amazed by it. He's like, I almost had a heart attack looking at that thing.

It looks like MS. ain't kind of, that was scary. What was his character's name, Mr. Wallenbeck or something? And he was like one of the detectives and Run Lola Run or something. Oh, really? Yeah, that's weird. Did you see who his sexy daughter is? Uh-uh.

Love actually. Yes, she's the sex maniac that like is trying, is like the riddler of destroying Alan Rickman's relationship. Oh, really? She's like, that's secretary that just, she, he's like, no, thank you. And she's like, I'm wet right now. And he's like, no, thank you. I'm going to break your fucking back

That's how good this is going to be Wow, I don't remember that character No, thank you No, thank you. Well, maybe I'll Maybe I'll buy you a present in front of my wife Oh no, I've ruined my marriage Mr. Bean, please Get it together

She's also supremely horny in this movie too Yeah, she's like a sex maniac That's kind of weird And Ed Burns is kind of into cousin play Yeah, that's so like basically this thing happened They kill the din... There's a cool thing that's not in the short story that it's here, which makes...

Oh, wait, there's a cool thing in this movie? Well, it makes more sense because, like, in the short story, they just have regular guns, and it's like, they keep telling the guy, like, you cannot shoot before we do, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. In here, they kind of have a robocop situation

where you cannot shoot the gun until Ed Burns says it's okay. Like, the gun will not fire until Ed Burns is firing his gun. Which is, like, a safety feature you would want. I mean, look, this... The upside versus downside of this thing is like, okay, we can go in. We'll make 15 grand a pop.

Awesome. Yeah. But the downside is all of reality can change forever. And we're going to have like one sleepy government agent just kind of watching this door. And this dude stinks. And the fact that the government approved this and they talk about getting the green light to do this, it's just like we're full oligarchy at that point where this rich guy can just control time now, I guess. I finally became president of the United States and I'm here to say time travel will be regulated by me

Boo Boo Blumberg. Michael Bloomberg, the 10th president of the United States because you went back in time. Michael Bloomberg goes back in time and kills whoever made Coca-Cola. Oh, Eric, I don't know, man. Bloomberg being the 10th president. Something about that's not going to shake out. It's me.

Michael Johnson Not enough presidential stage names That's a really good point By the way I guess you said there are bullets in the short story And this they're ice bullets Which actually makes sense if you don't want to I used to meet you

Because like you know Every once in a while they find like An out of place artifact on this planet Right like in general In life they're like oh it's a spark plug in this fucking stone I assume it's time travel well yeah time traveler

ancient aliens right I mean that's not enough people are talking about ancient aliens and I think it's because that guy with the bad haircut fucked it up for the rest of us well because we're going backwards

not forwards that's what we're supposed to be doing here folks towards aliens not back to the dinosaurs towards the alien forward towards aliens and always twirling swirling

yeah the ice bullets make sense so they shoot this fucking and it dies like immediately. And again, like, this would be a scene. It could be a scene. It could be a scene. Well, I was excited anyway because all of a sudden I had this weird sense memory of beating a level in Turok the Dinosaur Hunter for Nintendo 64, which also looked better than this movie. Those polygonal fucking dinoes, dude, much better. I guess that's a good thing is that it does make you, the movie itself makes you time travel to a time when you were happy not watching

this fucking piece of shit. That happens to me. with lots of movies. I'm like, oh yeah, remember that time I was happy? Not watching this, whatever it is. The Dino's dead, we come back. It's Ben Kingsley, throws everybody a little party. And I mean, like, it's just like, it's, I want to know how much it costs to do this every time.

This is the big problem is because when the next group of guys go, they're talking about, oh, we paid a fortune for this. We had to pay double to get to the head of the six-year waiting list. And I'm like, just make up a number. You have to say something because that dollar amount really will contextualize like how specialized this is, what kinds of people, you know what I mean? Is it like, is this dude just some like successful like used car salesman guy who owns like a bunch of different lots around the Chicago area? Or is he like Boo Blomberg and he's got fucking $65 billion. And it would help contextualize the tax money that the government would be getting again to put reality at stake every single fucking day.

Well, you know what's crazy is like they have all that income. I'll make $800 a day on this thing. Not bad. Not bad. Wait, you said you just tell them not to step off the path there? Oh, well, that's, you got it all done then. No, we don't got to worry about nothing. You don't need to waste money on caution, Tate, please.

You already told them? You tell them before they do it? Easy peasy. They sign a paper that there's some sort of financial penalty for ruining reality. Okay. I guarantee you in this America of 2055, by the way, where we're making fucking $60 billion a day on this dino kill attraction time safari shit.

We still do not have Medicare for all. No fucking way. The fucking pipes and Flint are still garbage. We haven't fixed that yet. Yeah, I bet after dark they're like, okay, we're going to take some poor people, go back in time, and you can to a time where there were no laws

where you could just butcher them. That makes sense. Oh, I thought you're going to say rich people could like wrangle some people. poor people take them back in time and then watch that dinosaur eat them. Oh, even that's actually great too. But then you change the timeline because then he's got dino diarrhea, you know.

I'm sure if Times Safari existed, you could do... You could pay money for the fucking the Jack the Ripper package where you kill all those prostitutes. But it has to be those prostitutes. See, that one I'm going to take some umbrage with Steve because are there records about which prostitutes were which? I think somebody knows

who's who. Here's the thing is like... Get me the list of these prostitutes immediately. Burns has to do research. Yeah, I got to go back in time. Foggy London Town. Have sex with a bunch of prostitutes. Find which ones get killed. And now we know which ones you can kill.

Pardon me. What part of London are you from? Brooklyn, London. I would love to do the Dahmer package. And then you have to figure out how to, like, fit five heads and seven hands in a freezer. And you have to, like, balance them all.

You've got to find little corners. I thought you were going to say, because you've always wanted to work in a chocolate fact. No. I feel like if you do the DOMER. Package, like, oh yeah, right this way, Chris Cabin, and they'd just arrest me. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's actually great. Here's your glasses, Chris. Dude, I've been waiting for this. It would be like when on the Simpsons, they have the fake boat show thing. Yes, exactly. Like, come get your free boat or whatever.

Like, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come, any time period you want, you could do whatever you want. And then that's how you weed out all the fucking scum in this society. Oh, we got another one booked for the, uh, Jeffrey and the Chocolate. factory. A place

of pure decapitation. You fucking Jeffrey Dahmer's house lick those walls, dude. Excellent. This dead boy tastes like real dead boy. Yeah, that's the authenticity of this program. Spared no

expense. Tasted a lot of dead boys. You think that's good. Just suck on his everlasting gum stuff. For next. You can't even see the frown I just made. But it's there, man. And it was deep. It came from deep within you.

So, yeah, they have this champagne reception or whatever. And Ben Kingsley's like breaking Eddie Burns balls about like, you have to go up and entertain August. They're expecting to hear a story for you. Mingling is part of the contract or whatever. Right. He's talking to Tammy, the computer system. Tammy.

And it's like a sassy. computer kind of. Keep it out of this movie. Sassy computers. Hey, Tammy, did your husband, your husband computer program, he ever go out of town? Your husband computer program. Did you notice, Roger, R-O-G-E-R. Tammy, what were you doing with Ed Burns? What were you doing with Ed Burns? I'll have to be late computing. I won't be home for computer dinner. You wouldn't believe all the zeros and ones I have. There's SpaghettiOs. Did you guys notice the,

Ed Burns is like at this huge computer station and it's this thing called Tammy. It's like time adjustment machine. I don't know whatever it's saying. He's a warehouse and fucking Czechoslovakia or whatever the fucking film this movie. But along with that though, did you notice like everything is supposed to be like super advanced

computer technology and then this key. that he's using is straight out of like 1993. It's one of those computers where like you would press the key and then like they were so spring loaded that you could hear the as they like came back up. Yeah I like the big

chunky keyboard. It's a total chunky keyboard that he's using though when he's talking to this fucking Tammy. See the thing is like regular keyboards now. That's whatever. That's what you kids do. You do the Twitters and the tumblers. Chunky keyboard. That's fucking science. It's computing. That's math. Yeah. We got

computer here from 2050 and the keyboard from 1991. Go. Oh, yeah, I just noticed there's somewhere around here there's a fucking walk and talk on the CGI set with Ed Burns and this younger woman. And there is some

like totally throwaway lines subplot where like, you know I always promised your father. I was going to take care of you. And I'm like, who the fuck is this person? What are you talking about? Who was her father? Spoiler on later when she dies by being eaten by a seasnake, there's no. No.

Nothing. Nothing. His cold heart isn't affected at all. Well, this is another, we didn't decide. Sister friend or girlfriend. Yeah. What is this? I think of the sister friend.

There's no romantic thing there, I think. Well, maybe there's step sister. I don't know that flirting while they're both in the showers thing. Yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah, there's a little bit of, oh, wow, you're all grown up. Yeah, wow, that happened fast, huh? Oh, man, I want to make it a shitty indie movie movie. be about take a time

safari over your body I guess I don't have to feel guilty about masturbating to you anymore huh? Hold on let me just let me just put a tape in this cassette she's got a heart so big

it'll crush this town I'm just thinking that that's all he's listening to what is that from? That's where she's the one that's a comedy song I've never seen it she did the he did the soundtrack to yeah somehow I don't know why Oh, Tom Petty did the whole thing?

Yeah. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, so then during this reception, we're introduced to this other character. What is this woman's name? Is it Kate? Did I make that up? Brooms. Doesn't matter. There are all these characters that are fucking trashed.

The woman who protests right here and she throws blood all over these guys. Just blood champagne bottle, I guess. It's like she's got a bottle of champagne and blood sprays out of it she sprays people. I guess they're doing a reference

to like the blood on the fur or shit. But how much did you spend getting that? Like a blood champagne? It's a custom job, dude. Carbonating blood? That's shit right out of Jeffrey and the fucking chocolate.

Yeah, it's a cherry flavored blood. It's sparkling and still. It's technically a sparkling cider. That's a house made. We do it. We do all the prep work here. Sonia is this character's name.

Sonia Rand. Sonia Blade. She's the woman who, yeah, I'd rather be watching Mortal Kombat. She invented the whole system. Tammy. Tammy was her. She's the voice of Tammy. She's also the voice of Tammy.

And she, I guess, had beef with some of the, you know, ethical shit here clearly. And Ben Kingsley had her name erased from the credits. Well, she's like every day. Her thing is like you're killing dinosaurs. which is like, I don't give a fuck. I mean, that's fine. But, like, it's the reality. It's the fact that all of time and space

is being jeopardized every single day. That's why I think instead of this fake blood, which makes you think animal rights protest, it should have been a bottle of sparkling, like, clocks. Like a bunch of watches shoot out and hit him in the face. She's like, you're fucking with time. Or dude, man, fucking crude oil. You know, the stuff the dinosaurs became.

Oh, nice. Oh, that's true. That's harder to get out of your clothes for sure. Yeah. so then edward burns goes back to a super apartment and this one sexy lady is there the woman who's like the daughter of the client yes and they fuck

and yeah there there is the weird cousin thing where i don't get this wait what happened so he she gets into his bedroom by saying i'm i'm his cousin and he and she's naked like ready to go and he's like spread eagle in a swivel chair always did love aunt martha keep it going yeah you're my cousin you're totally

right, Kevin. I think that, like, initially she just used it clearly as a way to get into the building. But yeah, then definitely he was like, no, yeah, let's keep it up. Like, this is a good little role play. I like this. Oh, is that Uncle Mark calling? Oh, I'll just pick it up. Oh, my God, I haven't talked to him

since that awful Thanksgiving. Oh, it's your nephew. Yeah, it's just a thing that, you know, you did not need intercourse in this movie. I'm sorry. But even the doorman's like, yeah, and I'll I'll give your cousin a lift back. Dude, this

doorman character is truly something. In this movie that's got all these other problems already, they had a doorman character who Ed Burns is like oh hey, Tony, how's it going? And the guy's like, you know, it's going great, but

even if it wasn't, nobody would listen to me anyway. And I was like, dude, fucking terrible doorman banters in this movie? I'm an empty vessel. Oh man, that doorman has a line later in the film When eventually there's like time is being altered And it starts getting hot in November

And the doorman's like 70 degrees in November What the hell's going on? Yeah, totally. And then I was also like, we'll wait till 2020 pal. Exactly. Pretty certain it was 70 in November here last year. So the next time one is the one where everything gets fucked up. Oh, by the way, David O'Yello is one of the guys in the team.

team and there's a big team there's a doctor there's some german guy who i guess he's like the continuity editor because he's the dude who's like making sure they don't like fuck anything up yeah you have the the woman who ed burns swore to her dead father that he would look after her virtue uh she's like the videographer making like filming like a holographic account of everything right it's also it's also like a souvenir thing yes yeah a hologram at the end of a roller coaster Yeah, me on the log flume. Yeah. And there's something where this guy is, this other guy who's barely a character,

is flirting with her for a second and drops this big vat of like ice guns or whatever. And like, oh, is that okay? Yeah, it's fine. Like, you have to check. It's like skydiving, dude. You got to check the pack 12 times before you move. This goes back to the naming and the general funding of this operation. Because in reality, like a high tech operation like this,

it would have a name like that makes absolutely no sense. Yeah, the company of the time travel future. No, Cabin, you're right, because you just inspired me. What Time Safari is is the name of some sort of like, like futuristic feeling mini golf course. That's what you would name it. You would name it fucking Time Safari. Or call it Tim's Time Travel Discount. Fucking, that's what it looks like.

I have a coupon for Time Safari. You definitely would have a coupon for Time Safari. Only 19 grand. And it's not bad. And the employee has this all-important thing on like a box of books. Yes. And he's trolling it around and just jumped off. And it's leaking.

And he's like, yeah, it's fine. And I'm like, dude, someone has to be like, that's now this goes in the garbage and we get a new one. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Absolutely, dude. It's so ridiculous. Well, it's really weird because this only pays off in that you see the liquid burning through the gun. Yes.

And that's why the gun doesn't work. Yeah. But this guy doing this never, like, comes back. Like, tell me if I'm wrong. They never, like, realize that that's what happened. At the very end, I think it's David O'Yaleo. Someone is like, oh, you know, there was a leak, but it didn't short out the thing until after we did the time jump. So that's why we didn't notice it.

But then, like, and then Ed Burns is like, yeah, well, okay, well, that can't happen ever again. We can't have mistakes. And I'm like, no, you've got to find the dude that did it? Yes. That guy's fucking fired. Maybe more than 10 people should work here. Yes, exactly. We're fucking with time and space.

Maybe more than 10 people. Can't do it. They want health care, too. Well, that's the thing. They're all freelance. If we at Time Safari raise the minimum wage to $17 an hour, we're not going to be able to afford

to keep Time Safari going. Well, that's the thing. Ben Kingsley is doing this on, like, a shoestring budget. Like, he's just like, oh, we can't do that. It's like, what? And look, the champagne's not even real, probably. His cheapness is the cause of all the fuckery with the rest of the movie. But at the same time, I was wondering that, like, is it really? Because he turned off the bio filter because it uses too much energy.

So that's why, I guess this is jumping ahead because in the next thing, in the next time travel thing. Dude, you got 40 minutes of nothing coming up, which is. the fucking baboon part of this movie so we've got time to kill they'd bring back something and they don't know what it is it was like 23 grams heavier maybe Sean Penciles

there or whatever but the fact that it came back with them is like oh my god the bio filter was up but you still killed something in the past who gives a fuck if it came back exactly and I mean also would it prevent like this is a bio filter prevent you from actually killing something in the past

obviously that's not true because they kill the dinosaurs. I think it's something to do with if you bring something from the past back like just the fact that you did it. It would alert everyone be like something's up you can't do this kind of a thing or whatever. See I was thinking it's like the biofilters on Star Trek

with the beaming technology so you're not like beaming aboard other ships with like viruses and shit because there's an episode of TNG I think we covered on the Nexus recently where that happens where they're like oh there was something got past the bio filter or something I didn't even think about that but yeah

Like a fucking, you would have prehistoric butterfly in your butt or something. Like, that's where I keep it. With all this moving, like, that's what would have. Like, you're mixing your atoms there, right? Yeah, yeah, it would be not great. Can we really quickly talk about, um, again, 40 minutes of nothing. We've got time. We've got time.

It's just like the, there's 55 minutes in this movie is baboons, an invincible baboon lizard. The next two businessmen that, you know, go on this trip that kind of set off our main plot, I would love to dig into. those guys. Well, just really quickly the process of going back in time also makes no sense because they get in like a little tent everyone is wrapped in shit they stole from a

roller coaster. Yes. And it's like, now hold on, you got to get strapped in. The time, safari experience, everybody excited for the time's spire experience. Keep you're out of a lazy in the red out. Now thank you every great adventure. Time's fire experience. But we never

keep your hands in the shopping cart we're pushing. Absolutely. But you never see like how they go from strapped into this thing to just casually walking through a tunnel and then the other way there's several times in this movie where they're like we gotta get bad and they're like running

through this thing and a full clip and then it's like cut and they're back in the laboratory and they're strapped into the fucking brother coaster. This is Peter Himes I think because in Time Cop I believe there's like a little bullet car gun thing that you get into like a little craft and you drive

and it goes boobloop and like the craft kind of just disappears and you're just walking on the other end at least that's what I remember you just made me realize like yeah this is not his first rodeo was time travel I didn't even put it together and it's always is stupid and makes no sense is there time traveling Capricorn 1 I never saw

it no it's just like a space adventure with OJ Simpson with OJ Simpson I think that was probably something that they wound up not having money for maybe like all of the scenes that are yes whatever the actual machine is that's what I'm kind of getting at is they just kind of have to make do

And it's like, now we're just walking through this hole. But you don't even like see them like you would assume what happens is that they get into this pod thing. Yeah. They go. Yeah. And that they have to open a door to go out. You don't even see them opening a fucking door. You couldn't film Ed Burns opening a door.

Come on. Yeah. Yeah, you can't have me for a fucking door. Film him walking into the fucking set kitchen or wherever, you know, it's like, there's the door. Just a Stargate portal. Let's not complicated. I'm exactly. I'm pretty sure Ed Byrds had no.

reshoots. I'm writing Brothers McMullen too, brother of McMullen forever so I can't be, I'm sorry Mr. Himes. And then McMullen the third is after that. It's like the Shrek naming convention. Yeah, Pete, I can't

I can't do any reshoits. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on one second. I just got to put you on hold real quick. Unbelievable. Please hold for Ed Burns. Yeah. Even while. I can't be out to hold forever either.

You know, Ed, that's just going to be in my head for the next week. So these two businessmen, we want. want to talk about. Oh, my God. Yeah, these cool Japanese dudes. Eccles and no, no, the other guys. Oh, the fat guy and the weiner dude. X versus Sever. No, Eccles and Middleton. Eccleson and Middleton. Yeah, that's

their names. And there's this whole back and forth like they're walking out of their... These are the dudes I first know as their dress like they're in fucking D-O-A. Yes. Yeah, exactly. They're fucking, they live with the noir city part of Chicago. And they're just walking around and it's like, oh yeah, you know,

you got to do it, man. You would, you know. what you want to you don't want to do it you don't want to spend bunch of money go back in time life for death man you got little fucking b b b b bals oh yes you got b b bals be b bals what you want what you need is brass balls yeah you need big brass balls may i say more about balls you got to have trouble walking with those big brass balls not balloon balls brass So you either come back in time with me and kill a dinosaur. And if you do, you got BB balls. But if you do, you got them big clanking balls.

I would be like, okay, so you want to, you want to be spent 75 grand to go back for 20 minutes, kind of kill a dinosaur and come back. That's the other thing. I feel like, honestly, Times of Vari would suffer from incredibly bad word of mouth. Yeah, it's really not worth it. It's like 12 minutes. Have you seen their page on Yelp? Exactly.

Us as rich people, you know, I will pay to go out to the Rockies and hunt a bunch of homeless people with rifles. I'll do that in a heartbeat. But listen, dropping $75 grand to kill this. Look, the dinosaur looked a little fake also. You put that in my Yelp review. Dinosaur looked totally fake. I think they just drugged me and put me in a virtual reality simulator to be honest with you. And I don't think that was shampoo.

at the party. I'll be honest with you. Sparkling cider. Yeah, the bickering with these two dudes are fucking terrible. I love them dearly. The fat guy is kind of from something, right? The heavier bald guy. They're both from stuff. Yeah, they're just like character. You've been, he's probably been in every iteration of law and order at this right. Yeah, exactly. That's probably what it is.

And they're like, they're like not great. No, they're not. You want... That's a guy you get to play off someone better. You don't put two bad ones together. you're totally right you want like you know like it's 2005 i mean like just good character actors like solid what about like you know name a good character actor because i can't stephen tovolaski michael chickless something you know what i mean like tobo could have been this hobo and chickles go back in time well how about instead of that how about the third guest star on a week of scrubs two of them right okay so elizabeth banks

He was the man. He was the man who went back in time to kill a dinosaur. Stephen Tobolowski. Oh, David. A sound of thunder. That was a troubled production. You will never believe the scrape that Ray Bradbury got in with Rennie Horley. Let me just call up Ed.

I got to call Ed Burns to just get him on the horn about this. Ed? Ed, you there? You know, Ed, I can't, you're on a podcast, Ed. Ed, come on. And Ed, David's going to hang up on you now, Ed. And that is what we call the Dino Hassel. Oh, fans of the Tovolowski files are the only ones

are going to get that joke. I love it. uh yeah so they go back in time yeah it's it's nervous guy and rough and tumble brass balls dude the dino comes up and wouldn't you know it ed burns goes to pull the trigger on this fucker and his gun does not go off what and we are having some problems uh and there's a whole thing the two dudes like kind of run i love that this path even though they only need so much of it because this is all the staged thing for some reason continues for like another 50 yards and then also goes around

a corner? What are you doing? Because if you have to go use the bathroom. That might be, yeah, there's a fucking outhouse at the end of this trail. Just keep going down the path. You definitely can't piss back in the fucking prehistory dude. But can you piss on the path? The path like comes with them? So it's like they're not stepping on the ground.

One guy, one of these two bumbling guys, I think Middleton, the guy that kept on talking about balls, is the one that falls off the path, steps on a butterfly. Yeah. Causes this whole thing. Cases a butterfly fact, actually. Right. Clickety clack. Oh, yeah.

Oh, man. This is a better movie. You know what? We tried to do one thing with our movie, but these guys, they nailed it. Oh, dude, Bradbury fucking owns. He fucking rules. I got a fucking Bradbury tattoo on my back.

I am the illustrated man, baby. Oh, fuck. I was mixing people up. I wasn't thinking of Ray Bradbury at all. I was thinking of M. Night Shyamalan. Oh, if you think about it, man, a sound of thunder. It's not a real thing. It's the sound of lightning.

That's what thunder is. Holy shit, they're the same. I thought there was two things. I thought there were two different. Shit. This combo's getting. Extreme. Wait, is that thunder?

Oh, wait, is that thunder? Oh, God. Oh, God, I spoke too much. Oh, God. Oh, no. I'm going to hide under the bed like a dog. I could use a thunder shirt, honestly. A thunder shirt?

Yeah, like, it should just make you feel comfortable. My dog's got one on right now. Oh, really? I didn't know that was a thing. Oh, yeah. It helps for anxiety. It's basically like a hug of a shirt. Like, it's a tight shirt that makes them feel sort of

secure. Yeah, they got like, there's like blankets and shirts. I think for men that's a girdle. Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying. It would be slimming and it would help with my anxiety. Do you have a fat dog? How about the dog girdle? The dirtle. Dirtle, dirtle. Nobody likes

seen a fat dog. Why not skinny up your dog a little bit with the dirdle? Aren't you tired of looking at your fat dog and feeling sad and remorseful about what clearly only you did do it I mean, Jesus Christ, it's bad enough watching a dog take a shit. Watching a fat dog take a shit is one of the saddest things in human history.

And how about this bonus for you? You could chew fireworks at the fucking thing now. It's fucking feeling secure. Fireworks who just bounces off. Look, this is a fat dog next to an M80. A, disgusting. B, look how scared that dog is. Now, this is the same dog next to an M80 and the durnal.

the dog looks strikingly beautiful and not afraid at all stop letting your fat dog ruin your wholesome 4th of July festivities order your doodle on Etsy.com slash scumbagosaurus I like that It's bigger scumbagosaurus Scumbagosaurus is flipping out on Ben Kingsley He's like, we almost got fucking killed What is the circuits you're running

And Ben Kingsley Because he's like the hype man in the face of everything and he's good at spinning shit. Yeah. You know, he's like, oh, no, it was this was all orchestrated. It was part of the thing. You were in, you know, a totally controlled environment.

Yeah, and think about how you conquered death. You were put in a life or death moment and you kind of, you were like, I don't know, Brubaker landing on Mars. Yes, and he does a thing where he's like, you find yourself in the same you know, breath as Columbus

and, you know, Lewis and Clark, whatever he says. But yeah, then there's like a past future one of like, you brewbreaker on Mars, which I believe is also the name of a Dave Brubaker jazz album. That's actually from Capricorn 1 I read. It's like that's the name of the guy.

Oh, the dude. Oh, yeah. Played by O.J. Simpson? No, I think that might be Powers Boots. Oh, yeah. You know what a, you know what a juice ref in this movie. Wait, hold on a second. OJ's in that movie and Powers Booth?

I forget who. I think it's a motley crew of killers. in that fucking movie. You know, nothing ever stuck against Powers Booth, all right?

And now here's our co-pilot, Robert Blake. Was Powers Booth accused of murder? He just looks like the type. No,

he looks like a stern dead. I would cross the street if I saw him. Well, I would now, because he's a dead ghost. Yeah. It's a Pupo Poolewit.

But if we could harness his powers, right? I could be possessed by him. Charles Brewbaker in Capricorn 1, portrayed by none other than Mr.

James Brolin, star of the car. James Brolin. That's who I thought Power's Bruce was. Dude, look at this cast, though. Brolin, the aforementioned OJ. Simpson, Elliot Gould. Another murderer. Sam Waterston, Howard Holbrook. Murderer. Karen Black.

Berderer. Tell us of Ballas. It's probably the best of the Hymns. It's a fun little movie. It's a fun little movies. Also, La. Huh? La. La Hym. That's the best of the Lahem. That's the best of the Lai.

Eric jokes. Oh, God. I got your ass, Kevin. God damn it. What were you saying, Steve? I don't even know. Fair enough. So, yeah, these guys are like, we want our money back.

Well, blah. Oh, and the Big LaBaske himself was in it, David Huddleston. Sorry. And Kingsley, like, kind of smooths it over. And then this guy, the wormy government official who goes on all the things like, Clay's, Clay, I think his name is. Well, I got to shut you down. I'm sorry.

There's nothing I could do here. And it's like, yeah, fucking obviously. totally and they're like they like are so insulted by it but it's like yeah of course you're fucking with the fabric of existence and something went wrong and also nobody so the idea is he steps on a butterfly we don't see you don't find this until the end of the shitty movie and they have to like go to his place to find it and like look it's a big fucking butterfly in his boot like hey you don't you maybe you get to keep your time suit as part of your thing but we check it we always check it right you go to this room he you

you get undressed and they check it and then you can bring it home well i'll tell you you know middleton is an annoying character but i love that last scene where he says i wish i wish i hadn't sat on that butterfly um there's a it's snowing it's raining again there's um there's a there's a detail in this movie that was so dumb and it's not consequential to the story at all or our conversation but i noticed did my nose. Again, 40 minutes of baboons coming right up. Fair enough.

But I did have to bring it up because it's one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. It's right before we're going on the third jump of the movie, which is these Japanese guys and they realize like something is up. Oh, right. It's the morning of. And Ed Burns is like listening. This is when it's like, oh, it's hot in Chicago today and blah, blah,

he's got the news on and he's like looking outside and shit. He's got a coffee maker built into a, a wall? Nice. What are we doing? Why is that a thing? Nothing else in this apartment is futuristic at all. He's got a regular, degular 2005 television. The structure of the apartment is totally the same. It's a push door, like no future doors or anything like that. But there's just like a futuristic coffee machine built into a wall. I would have loved it if you go into his bathroom and he has like the old pull chain toilet too. Well, he's like living like a psychopath that she even comments on it. Like you got like a cot and

like a rifle and like nothing else in here what is going on oh i've lived here for two years oh yeah this woman says did you just move in yeah all these manifestos everywhere yeah exactly it'd be funny if uh when you know he does have the two cubs pendants which means ed burns is from chicago okay yeah whatever you i feel like if you i think a time wave hit and changed chicago the accents i mean i feel like the second you put that pendant on ed burns's wall it turns into a met's pennant yeah You know what I mean? It has to. I also don't understand the logic of the time waves.

Were the time waves in the story? Well, no, again, like, the story is really like, they go on one safari. There's, like, Eccles is the scared guy. They, he steps on a butterfly and they come back and time is irrevocably changed. Yeah. And that's it how it should be. That's the creepy thing and it's over. But that's it.

The fact that we're running around, eventually we get to a point where we're running away from physical waves of, like, energy or whatever, that then changed the fabric of time? Because they think it's better... It would happen instantaneously, absolutely. Look, we have Ed Burns here. We got to make it adventure, folks. An adventure hero, Ed Burns.

It's not like he's known for being an Irish drunk all the time. We got to make an adventure movie. Oh, no, no, maybe it's something like, oh, Ed Burns. Oh, yeah, he doesn't... He's not getting it. He's not getting it. okay he keeps saying he wants to run away from it all right

you're going to run away from time and this shot Ed Burns can run with the best of it and it doesn't make any I mean that's the way they set it up that this woman the woman who invented Tammy is like there's going to be all these time waves first it's going to be the environment

then it's going to be it's going to go in reverse order of who evolved the most so humans will get the time wave last well it's I think it's like what evolved most recently is what goes last. Ocally dokily. Again, it would happen instantaneously. You would come back

and everything would be, and not drastically reptile baboon differently, but like just a little different. And that'd be kind of cool and creepy. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like any of this stuff is like annihilation level like weird. Yes, exactly. Fish, suicidal

fish, a fucking vine going up a fucking tower. Dude, why are there the fucking monster vines from Jumanji in this movie. Brambles, we call them. But these baboons, Chris, are like half reptile. Yes. That's kind of almost, it's not all the way

annihilation monsters, but it's different. The first time I saw it was bad, but I was like, we're doing something. Something, but those baboon lizards, dude, when they screamed, it just should have sounded like a woman. That'd be cool. Just like annihilation. Yes, exactly.

That was a haunting yell. That's not okay, man. That still sticks with me. Something is seriously wrong with that creature. Yeah, they go back in time with these two Japanese businessmen and they wind up five minutes back from where they thought they were supposed to be. And then Tammy is like, wait, what the fuck? Well, they notice that the dinosaur, they go back and the dinosaur is still dead from the last time.

Right, yeah. And the whole thing is like they're racing against, like, you got to kill this dinosaur and then get the fuck back because this volcano blows up. So they're there. And then they're like, oh, wait, look, there's the dead dinosaur. Whoops. and the volcano erupts and they're like getting back and whatever. Tammy, though, is like, fuck you talking about.

I don't do anything. Yeah. Like this indignant computer system. They're like, Tammy, you sent us back at the wrong time. And she's like, the fuck I did, Ed Burns. Prove it. It was like five minutes late or something. So they had already killed the dinosaur.

But like, that's, I don't like, wouldn't you be running into your other self killing the same fucking dinosaur all the time? Because eventually, spoiler, towards the end of the movie, they go back to that very time. where they are there. Look, Ed Burns, just because we slept together once does not mean you can take

that familiar tone with me. I did nothing wrong. You fucked up. Not me. So when they realized like there's something. Sorry, I'm just picturing Eddie Burns going like licking an Ethernet port.

Smearing his dick over a keyboard. I'll go down on you now. Ooh, a little shock on my tongue. Hey, Tammy, play it. Now I'm having sex with a Peter. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's it. Oh, yeah. That's his stuff. Oh, yeah. David, I think we're having phone sex with Ed Byrd. Good Lord.

All right. You can't do that bit again because then the estate of... Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, they're going to take down the episode. Yeah, do Prince next. Well, you know, actually, this functions as a fair use review because I'm going to say, I like that song. That's actually great. It's a great time. You know, it's got an interesting chord progression.

See, there you go. We covered our bases. Perfect. So Ed Burns decides he's got to seek out Sonia because she's the only one that can help in the situation. She's the only one that could take down Cano.

Yeah. Take down Cano. Yeah, with her fucking the little flying kiss that she has. He turned him to a skeleton. Yeah. He goes to her apartment building and she's not letting anyone in

and he, he, masquerades as a greenskeeper. This is a weird thing, though, because people have already started panicking, I guess, as the idea. She's got like a shotgun hanging outside this door. Yes. Well, because everybody's been asking her what's going on. Because everybody knows

she's like a super genius or something. Is that right? Well, because do you remember there's like eight people outside her door being like, Mrs. Genius? Could you open up? There's a vine outside my fucking window. It's sarcastic. Because who else would be getting a fertilizer delivery?

This seems weird. Like, yeah, I get some shit delivered. Go to the store. I don't know. But, yeah, Ed Burns trades with this guy. He, like, takes his fucking hat. And he's like, yeah, fertilizer delivery. And he's, like, keeping his face out of the way of the people or whatever.

So she gets in and she's like, I was expecting you. And it's like, well, then fucking let me in, lady. She's over the door. Why am I fucking posing as a fertilizer delivery man? Wait, you didn't believe it? Even with this voice I'm doing, it's especially delivery man. voice and this is like she explains about like the fucking time waves and this that and the other thing and like we got to go figure out like what we you know either like changed or brought back

whatever the fuck and this when we see a time wave actual and real the first time we see one come it comes through the house and it's a weird she is so casual oh yes about this first time wave she's like oh by the way i don't know duck or something and you're like what and she's just like turning away from the window and then you see it coming towards you It looks like something out of like power rangers. It's really cheap. And this whole like, it's slow motion. We're going flying.

It looks stupid. Because I was, for a moment there, I'm like, is that an actual wave about to crash into the city? That's what I thought it was too. Because it looked like water. And I thought it was like the fucking, you know, the lake rose up and was taking over Chicago. There was still a Chicago though. Yeah. I don't get it.

We built it. And then it just, uh, it just, yeah. like buildings and structures should go away in time waves as well, right? Exactly. Humanities wipe down. And not just changed by like,

it's the same thing, but now there's a huge fucking vine. Like again, like, why does it look like, you know what it is? I think they stole a bunch of deleted scenes from that old history channel show after humans or whatever.

After man or whatever it was called. It's like when nature takes back over structures and it was just a show where you looked at CGI renderings of scornings of scorn. skyscrapers with vines on them I might check this out. Dude, I was on board back in the day, man. We're talking early aughts

this thing, Aaron. Maybe even the late 90s. I was totally in it. Sounds cool though, right? I want to see that happen. And it's, you will. You'll live to see that. The coronavirus might be a time with it. Oh, no, I dropped something in the past, and now there's a fucking coronavirus.

Maybe that's the only one of the cure it is to go back and fix it. I think so. One of the hunting expeditions. That sounded like Andrew Dice Clay had done that. Oh, the fucking thing over here.

Oh, I made the coronavirus. I can't fucking believe it. I bet you that dude's got a lot

of really interesting and useful opinions about the coronavirus. Yeah. Especially about who started it. I wouldn't

air them on this program. No, no. We'd have to play a Tom Petty song over it. I'd tell you it didn't come

from us, Bucky! I would pay to see that fucking private Facebook feed of all his fucking

forget about it. Actually forget about it. And time wave comes and uh-oh, her apartment's full of super bugs. That's kind of fun. What? Is this supposed to be like locusts or something? Is this like biblical? They're like beetles.

It's like the mummy. Yes. That's what I thought of. How cool it would it be if the fucking mummy showed up in this movie? This movie could have used some mummies, man. Might as well. You can afford Arnold Voslu.

That is one thing for absolute sure. Absolutely. Always, always a cheapie. You know, I was up against Arnold Voslou for the mummy. I wasn't cast because, well, you know. Join me, my princess, in the afterlife. Yeah, it's me. I'm from ancient Egypt.

Turned out those, the white stripes weren't very flattering. You know, David, no one believes me in my eyes. it for most anything. Yes, that's right. I lived in a pyramid. What is going on here? The way that they like dodged these scarabs is blow up her apartment. Yeah, she's got some sort of gas tank and he's like, come on, come over here, we're going to do it.

And this is what I was talking about off the air. Like he is a guy who will never be able to sound like a scientist. And right here is one of the lines I wrote down because he's like, he's yelling. that people in this movie like he's a fucking queen's gym coach. Yes, exactly. And like the fucking chemicals going everywhere and he's getting ready to light something. He goes, come on, come on. Yeah, you got get moving.

Get moving. And it's like, no scientist ever has been like, get moving. It's as, you know, everybody talks about Denise Richards in that Bond movie. It's just as bad. It is. It's just, if not worse. He's so hunky and so stupid looking. Yeah.

And he's got the big, like, kind of Indiana Jones, like, under, like, video game uncharted shirt. He looks like, he's dressed exactly like the uncharted guy. That's hilarious. It's a good look. I mean, hey, handsome man. You know what? It's a good look for like a dude who's, you know, I don't know, lay in

cement. Yeah. Not fucking piloting a time travel program. I don't know. It's like what I tell all my pretty boys, my fellow pretty boys. God, if it's a good look for laying pipe too. Well done.

so they escape and she's like look we've got we've got to go back and we have to figure out what's going on so they assemble everybody back at time safari ink and time time time safari they're like let's watch the video they watched the video previously on fucking a sound of thunder we can't see anything so that was five minutes gone if you fell asleep we understand

here you go I'm just going to play with this yo-yo for five minutes in this movie now This is when they discover, uh-oh, we brought back a gram more than we thought we did. And like, well, where'd you pick it up? Oh, there's that guy on the corner. I call them. We got to go cool Graham. I hate when I have to call that guy, though, because I got to get in his car.

And then he drives around the block. And I got to look through the bag. It's really weird. It's uncomfortable. I wish he would just come up. I'm like, come up. Nobody's home. Come up.

Use of time. Travel. Go back in time to get drugs. Oh, absolutely. But then it's like, oh, oh, ripple effect. Those drugs weren't used. Go back to get the weak stuff That's what I mean

I do feel like the 60s shit is just like You know it's just grass man That actually might be oregano For many years they might have been smoking Oregono and think it's pot Yeah I don't know Is cocaine gotten stronger? That's a good question

It's the pills that used to be stronger You want to go back You want to go back to lose Yeah totally Fuck All right now stay in the time path As we go to Roman Polansky's house We're going to go around the pool

Actually it's Jack Nicholson's if you want but it's famous for Roman, obviously. We go around, we get the ludes. Don't touch anything. Don't change history. He has to be confirmed. Ed Burns in that lewd scene from Wolf of Wall Street, except for he's trying to get

into the Blarty Stone. Maybe that's what Quentin Tarantino did. He went into the Times Safari and fucked with the Sharon Tateburn. Going out of Time Safari, man. This is why I said it was a documentary, man. Shit. Oh, yeah.

I'm going to go back in time and look at Cleopatra's fucking feet, okay? All right? famously small that Cleopatra, which actually doesn't really do it for. You know what, Jan? Maybe Time Safari's not for you, Jan, okay? Quentin, I just don't understand

why Time Safari's got to be so dang violent. Look, I'm on Time Safari, okay? I can say the N-word now to 1976, right? Right? It's every time. I pay $75,000 once a month to go back to 1976 and use the N-word as freely as possible. Jesus, the fucking Feet Photo Archive just got

100,000 new entries, all from the 1950s. Lizzie Bored its feet, damn. Go back at time, Jan. I'm taking pictures of feet. A ride. Feet across history, Jan. My unwitting victory, Jim. victims are your grandmothers. You ever see Barbara Stanwyx's feet, man? Donna Reed had a real

fucking pair of clodhoppers. You know I love Ethel Rosenberg's Toes Jam. Ew. That's a genuine fucking Veronica Lake fucking heel. All right, man?

Eleanor Roosevelt, she had some hooves, baby. They were actual goat hooves. She had some real problems. I've uncovered that the Illuminati man has been in part of the presidency since the dawn of time. Still pretty hot, though. Frida Calho is dangling and she doesn't even fucking know it, okay? Gonna go back in time, 80 years, and I'm going to tell her.

How many dangles is that? So they're like, okay, cool. It's like Jumanji Town now. We have to go across the park because that's where the nervous guy lives. Yes. So they set off on this adventure to do that. Along the way, we're losing all sorts of people that these monsters that are around. First and foremost, got to kill the black guy.

Sorry, David O'Ye-Yol. By the way, minus 20 points for this movie, always. You got to kill the black guy first twice. Yes, they do. First, he gets these, like, brambles, and he kind of goes crazy, I guess. So these are these, like, Jumanji plants that we're talking about. They stick them with all of these, you know. Right.

But poisonous things. They're poison. Yeah. And they make you go crazy. You kill a butterfly in the past. Suddenly, that means there's a super vine that kills and poisons your mind. Yeah, well, it's Little Shop of Horrors, dude. It also takes half this movie to figure out, hey, maybe we should travel by car.

Like, yeah. Doesn't everyone have cars idea? Like, theoretically in Chicago? Like, oh, it's a half. Chicago, 255. Time wave dude hit. Oh, that's right. Henry Ford didn't happen.

You see how much a gallon is at the mobile? No, no, no. take the feet route. See, that's the thing. It's like, they should go back like, oh no, we got to go back real quick, get a dinosaur to shove in my gas tank. By the way, we skipped over

something before they jump on this mission. It's a thing where they're like, all right, this is a quick fix. Ed Burns will just go back in time by himself and he's going to go back to before they get there. He's going to meet everybody and tell them to just go back through the tunnel.

Don't even worry about it. Like this trip is bogus. Makes a lot of sense. This is where he leaps to the fucking Old West for two seconds. And in, did you notice this? In the cheapness, the absolute cheapness, student filmness of the green screen technology in this movie, it's a page right out of Back to the Future 3. He gets into the Old West and there's a bunch of indigenous people on horseback riding towards him. And he jumps down on the ground and they didn't even bother to fix this.

the horses just step right over him. He's trampled but not like actually trampled. You just see computer horses ride over him. That's because he's so tough. You know, like he like fucking seized his back up and his muscles. There's something just as bad when he has the fake lion on the table. Oh, that's bad.

There's a lion blocking half of him and it looks like they cut it out in fucking MSPaint, dragged it over to the picture of Ed Burns and left it there. Yeah, they thought they were doing the Manhunter scene, but they were not. Oh, sir. Yeah, thank you for bringing that up because apparently his whole thing is like, yeah, I'm part of this evil fucking company

doing this stupid Safari thing so I can remap the DNA of animals because by 255, like all animals have died on earth or something? I forgot about this thread. 38 years before this happens, there was a two things. All animals died. Sure.

And then poacher started going to zoos. It was just amazing. It's incredible. I missed that line entirely. And then there was a virus that killed like all the rest of them. Yeah, so most wild animals. And a lot,

some of the human population. Those poachers going into like city zoos. They're like fucking Batman villains or something. I love the idea you're going in with a shotgun. One for the zoo, please. Dude, fucking Donald Trump Jr. is right there ready to do it. Oh, Hunter.

And why would you poach something in a zoo? What, what, are you selling the teaser what you're doing when you're, on these fucking dip shit asshole guided tours in Africa and go fucking killing animals anyway.

Those like preserves are very controlled and you are just killing shit in a zoo. Do you have any idea how valuable and how rare a hippo sphincter is

these days? That's true. That's true. Do you like grind it up? You snort it and suddenly your dick gets hard? Unbelievable. Dude, horny, horny hippos,

dude. Now he's where it is like a wristband. The cool wristband. What like a... Oh, my hippo sphincter's too tiny to go stretch it out a little bit. Yeah, it's like a leather wrist band. That's pretty cool, Steven. You get that lucky brand?

No, it's a hipposvincter. I got it at the zoo. Oh, in the gift shop? Not exactly. Why did it smell like shit? No reason. What's that around your neck? Oh, that's a giraffe's neck?

Nice. Yeah, so David O. Yeah, so David O. Yalo, anyway, is fucking pricked by these barbs and whatnot. And he starts going crazy. And then, like, all you know, all these, they're like baboon reptile things are chasing them all down through the park. It's a bad raptor with the face of a baboon. That's, and there's, and like, it's just stupid mashup.

It's not like smart wherein like the baboon's face would be reptilian. That would make sense. No, it's just a big old fucking hairy baboon face on a reptile. Oh, and they're bulletproof for some reason. Also that, except for in their necks. The other thing, can they fly? No. Because then the other ones don't really make any sense.

We'll get to that when we get to that because it is a straight-up, what are you doing releasing this movie? Especially because the other main animal monster is a big bat. A bunch of big bats. It's a real bad cock up in this movie. Because when you see the baboon reptile, you're like, wow, everything is different. I can't wait to see all of these monsters. And the answer is, you're kind of just going to see these baboon reptiles a lot.

I'm sorry to say That's it He gets ravaged by those They get to this dude's apart Well he's doing a bullshit I'm sorry But he's doing a bullshit Like I'm gonna hold them off

Yes And in one of the funniest parts Of this movie And I don't know what they're actually Trying to convey here But he's like I'm just I'll like shoot them or whatever You guys get out of here

And Ed Burns is like Yeah okay That sounds great to me Black guy perfect They all run away Except for Ed Burns Who stands there And watch

He's like, yeah, you better get to eat. You better get to. I'm not, then I'm doing this for nothing. If you're not taking the head start, I am doing this for nothing. Exactly. Also, why not fit him up like Elliot Drazen and just fucking give him a bomb? Yes. And wait for them all and then, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

For sure. I thought it was going to be a thing where Ed Burns was waiting until they all got close to him. And then he was going to, like, huck a grenade or something. But he's like, well, he's gone. And just, I want to get it out on that murdering that dude. Yeah. Yeah. I always hate that fucking prick anyway.

Look, if we didn't feed the monkey lizards, they would have died. Do you want the monkey lizards to die? Well, and this is where he starts, and I think this explains his indifference to when the, like, sister figure gets killed later. He starts with this line of thinking where he's like, well, if we succeed, none of this will have happened anyway, and David O'Yolewa will be alive.

So even O'Illewo is like, just go, man, like, just go. I'll be fine. have to succeed in your mission. So then Burns starts killing his own friends because hey, none of this matters. I could do whatever I want to. I could eat fucking McDonald's again. It's been 20 fucking years.

I keep these washboard ads. Fucking cheat day. Cheat day. So the fucking nervous guy does not have it. They inspect his place. They check his gym bag where he kept all his jump clothes. There's a stupid thing where there's a grocery store, whatever.

Like they're scavenging. It's all not this movie. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's really fucking stupid. And like every apartment building is like these chainling fences now with like armed guards. Yeah. All of a sudden it's like the walking dead.

Yeah. All of these like closed community compounds or whatever. You know, they're like, oh, we're just trying to look for this guy. The guy's like, sorry, we're full up. And Ed Burns like, yeah, all right. Well, either you let us in or you have to fucking kill us. Yeah, I didn't think I'd say that, did you wise guy? Well, look, fucking kill me or let me walk him.

I'm going to fucking kill you. That would be great. By the way, the scravaging thing, it's like so funny. Like this, it's like a father and like a son. And they get like attacked by apes for trying to look for wonder bread or something. And it's not a quiet place. It's an apey place. Because they're going to attack by apes.

I got it, Eric. Are they attacked by quiet in a quiet place? Is that way it's called? Yeah, they are. Got it. Got it. Because once you die, once you die, you go, you know, it's all quiet. Oh, you become quiet.

You become the quiet. Oh, the quietes are coming. I didn't mind that movie, but it's like, it falls apart under any scrutiny. Still have it still happy. It does feature a sequence, two sequences of some of the funniest cinematic suicides you will ever see. I like that idea. Yeah, so, oh, you got to go to the other guy. He's uptown.

The princess is another castle. Thanks for nothing. It is a lot of that. Just dragging out that runtime. I don't know. Go ask Mr. Owl. Mr. Owl, how do I get back in fucking time? Lick me.

What? I said, lick me! How many licks until I come? Now bite. One, two, three. By the way, you have to be 35 and up to remember that commercial. What was that for? Tutsi Pop. Tutsi Pop.

It looks at the take to get the Tutsar all sign over Tutsi Pop. Tutsi Pop on YouTube. I'm sure the commercials there's somewhere in between kids fucking chugging and down their three. roads or whatever things they do. Yeah, the butt-chugging craze of Tootsy Pops. Yeah, dude, all stick and all. And you know what?

Well, it would eventually erode. That's kind of like a lick, I guess. Oh, I guess so, right? The bacteria on your asshole was just eroded. Oh, sure. Yeah, that's cool. How long do you think you can keep it up there? Well, that's the question. How many, how long does it take? So how many

How many minutes to a lick? Because I'm sure it develops over the time. So like a lick per minute or I don't know. I don't know how to feel for your ass. What else you got in there, dude? Yes, you know what I mean? That would be important to know. Right.

I mean, I feel like 25. It would probably take a full hour to really eat through that thing. You think a full hour you're getting through that thing in your ass? Maybe two hours. It might take days, dude. Yeah, days. I think you're probably closer to right. You got to watch how you sleep.

For your colon to dissolve a tootsie roll that you stuck up there? Yeah. A tosy pop. Yeah. Well, are you leaving the rest of the pop out or... What do you mean? Oh, the stick. Is the stick out or is the stick in?

I would keep the stick in just in case I had to abort the mission. You know what I mean? It's easier to get it. Right. Yeah. But at the same time, it's harder to walk around. Pull the shoot. And I would say once you get to the actual Tutsi roll inside, that just counts his shit now. Yeah.

It's just about the candy coating. It's just about the outer layer. They were having a thrilling conversation about The Sound of Thunder when all of a sudden they started talking about shoving lollipops up your ass. I do think it's just, you know what, it's a science movie with faulty science and we're scientists with faulty science too. The Philip Baker Hall line from Boogie Nights, I like lollipops and butter up my ass or something like that.

I do not remember. I'm a simple man. So this other guy is freaking the fuck out. he's firing a gun wildly at them when they get to his apartment. He's been stuck by some of the brambles, so he's, like, going crazy. Which I think is a thing that they also wanted to work into this movie about, like, the infected and whatever. But it just goes nowhere. One thing on their way to this guy's apartment, this is where they finally realize, hey, let's use a fucking car, which they do.

And this is when there is a... Big bats. The big bats come... Oh, right. There's the worst line in any movie, which happens all the time. time when it happens in like any movie where there needs to be somebody who has to break into a car and it was like how do we break into a car and then someone does is like how do you think I put myself through medical school I'm like shut the fuck up yeah who are you dude yeah

this like the German guy yeah you're like so it's like 25 yeah so I don't know let's say like maybe 2040 or something like this guy's starting medical school with the way education cost keep rising you were stealing cars dude what are you nicholas cage stealing like the sexiest of cars smells more like a givir of yeah that's true

doesn't seem like a nick cage and then the movie realizes that they have one character too many so he gets eaten by bad sure like he gets ripped away by bats and it is and I think Ed Burns has spread the word to the rest of the crew like by the way if anyone dies doesn't fucking matter all we got to do is succeed and they'll all be back because this guy gets ripped

out of this car and nobody blinks. Your pain is imaginary. It's going to go away. It doesn't matter that you go through all this hell. Listen, just get in the car. Don't worry about him. He's got to be fine. Oh, it's the wrong song.

Oh, the bit blew up in your face. Dude, you just got time-waved. Okay. See, what I love about this song is its progression. Ah, me, it's my best. Don't worry about it. You're fine. I'll get you back.

My eyes! Don't come back to. They're in the fucking me now. I keep telling you, you're not real. That's all going to revert back after the time. The cocks are spiked. I saw, I can see it from the, yeah, I can see them. They're big.

Oh, boy. Big, big, big spiky dick. Oh, boy. You know, David, I think we're still having phone sex with Eddie Burns. We've ruined that song for everybody, huh? Yeah, totally. I think we've ruined podcasts for everyone, too. He kills himself.

Dude, it is a hilarious. Like, I always appreciate in movies when you get the Chucky Roar before the suicide. and that's like he's like psyched himself out like he's yelling at Edward Burns like well you better blah blah you gotta fight and it's like shoots himself in the head. It's like you remember that there was no way to kill that character and he's like

ah! Yeah that guy is like you know what I'll take myself out of this movie it's totally take myself off the board. You want to die screaming right absolutely. With a gunshot to the head it's like hard to do that so you want to start so while it happens you're dying screaming Is he doing this with an ice gun or with a normal gun? This is a regular gun.

Yeah, he just has a good old fashioned bullet gun. I would love to do it with an ice gun because it's like brain freeze. Like for a second you feel like you just had a big slurpy. I think you're dead, yeah. I hate too much ice crit. Yes. Dude, cone at all. Give me a fucking cone ice cream gun.

And then this is when they find the butterfly on his shoe and they're like, oh shit it was a butterfly isn't that something isn't it though so they go back to time safari ink this is they're like all right we know what to do we'll find the guy that will stop the one guy make sure he doesn't do anything blah blah blah oh at this point she's already had this theory where she could send him back because tammy is destroyed they can't send her back if they send it back 65 million years and one that's what she goes 65 million and one years and Yeah, and then she could slingshot him forward, which is easier or something. Of course! Of course! I didn't even think about it.

It's got something to do with jumping over the ripples of the time wave, and I'm like, dude, shut up. Dude, she has this garbage laser pointer thing where she's like drawing in air, like time ripples. And she's like, as you can see from my crude illustration, we can't penetrate these time ripples. See all this bullshit? Yeah, that's what's happening. So, yeah, they determine that this is what they're going to do. And then it's like, oh, oh, oh, the place is fucking flooded and the machine's broken. But thank God, there is another one at the

university. All you have to do is grab the hard drive. And this is when they find Ben Kingsley who fucking opted out of the film. Yep. His puppet is in the water. I feel like it was probably the other way around at one point. Like this dude Clay, like the government agent Was just supposed to be seen floating in the water And it's Ben Kingsley Who's hiding in this closet

And this guy's like, hey, could you keep it down? You're gonna wake the, you know, And they look up and this is where it makes No fucking sense because we just saw a bat That it's these fucking monkey lizards Hanging upside down in the laboratory And it doesn't make any, it's a thing where It's just like bats.

It's like a bat. I think it was supposed to be a third animal But again, they just ran out of like budget to design a third animal What was this third animal another kind of bat? Yeah Because if not it makes no fucking sense Just use the bat We just saw the bat

Yeah It's a lion snake Yeah, it hangs from up here I don't know why I like the sound of that Right? Like a snake body with a lion's head Yeah

Very furry So there's a It's like a ferret Man, a furry snake. Now we're talking. Fucking this marmot, dude. Look out. It's a mom.

Take a ferret and cut its legs off. Put it in the movie. Film that. And then like make it like enlarge it. Do like crazy rear projections. Yeah, this, this a butchered animal. That's, uh, that's a time monster. Ed Burns, you have to defeat him.

You have to defeat this tortured animal. We looked into it. It costs so much money to get that pita seal at the end of the credits. Nobody looks at it anyway. Anyway, let's start cutting up fucking marmots. You cut, all you got to do, listen, you just cut the legs off that ferret. When the timegline fixes, it'll be fine. Ferret's not going to have nothing to happen to it.

We're not in the movie. Ferret doesn't know that. But the puppet of Ben Kingsley kind of looks like the Six Flags, Great Adventure, Old Man. It would be great if the puppet just started dancing in the water. Well, Matthew Lesko got drowned. So they're like, you come with this guy and he's like, I can't, I'm too scared for some reason. Yeah, they make this. I mean, because every movie needs the coward in this situation.

So that's this dude, even though he's like barely a character. So the woman, Sonia, is like, all right, there's a particle accelerator at the university. If I just transfer my external hard drive to it, it becomes this portal. So let's go. And then this dude, like at the last second, it's like, no, wait, bring me with you. and all these fucking monkeys just kill this guy immediately. Okay. We should see it.

We should see them rip his head off or something. Because we also didn't see David Oillow. It was just like you saw the swarm. And you can't even get me like some garbage like red spray on their face. Like I know you're not going to give me anything I like. But maybe try. But we do get something you like at the university. For some reason, Ed Burns changes his clothes.

Oh, yeah. Did you notice this? And we get a shot of his undies? Calvin Klein. And I was like, is this Back to the Future reference? I thought it was shots fired against Mark Wahlberg, his eternal enemy.

Oh, dude, that's a great question. I mean, I guess Mark Wahlberg is a better actor. Ed Burns doesn't have a buggy knife. He doesn't have a buggy knife. Wahlberg definitely has more screen presence. Yeah. Like, you're more interested to see, what is this guy going to do?

He said, what is this idiot going to do? There's a type of character that Walberg is incredible at playing and it's the one he plays in Three Kings. and in boogie nights those kinds like the tough guy shit never worked for me with him but like a guy with a chip on his shoulder who was also kind of a loser

like departing it works perfectly for him now Chris Cabin just to derail us for a hot second but not to waste too much time you recently saw this Spencer for hire remake I did indeed so what's going on there which which which character is he there who's he he's the main character

no but is he like the tough guy or he's the tough guy yeah he's the tough guy was there part of the last time he played a love of a loser kind of character Pain and Game maybe Oh Pain and Game maybe Yeah That Invincible movie was late

Was earlier than Paying Game Oh my God That was on TV the other day I watched a few minutes of it Excruciating Is that the movie where he's the walk-on quarterback For the Jets? Oh the Eagles

Oh the Eagles Pardon me pardon me The problem is if you go that way And then go saccharin Because that's that movie And that fucking rock star movie Stay tuned for us. I still haven't seen it.

You will one day. You'll probably see it pretty soon. I saw it in theaters, dude. So they're a rock fan. Yep. They're like, okay. What is a rock star? I'm a rock fan. Let's go use a card.

He's like, no, we got to use a subway for some reason. And he calls it the subway, which not in Chicago, friend. Oh, no, we're not in Queens. Let's take the all. it's neither because this is a fucking cg i like i don't even know what video game we walked into is they're gonna walk through a subway car to the university because there's like uh well i think there's like something blocking oh right you know what i mean so like oh we'll just cut through this and this is like in in the video game of a sound of thunder you would be like

sort of like sensing that the game is coming to an end and then it's like now it's the subway level And you're like, oh, fuck, come on. I thought this game was over with. And then you check the... All you have to do is get to the next air bubble. Avoid the squids. The big fish with the little fish is behind them. You fucking pause it and you check your game status, dude.

And somehow you have only 65% completed this movie. And you're like, son of a bitch. So, yeah, there's a bunch of shenanigans here. There's a fucking cave in. Part of the tunnel falls and like crushes. Yeah. You know, so they're like, well, they were going to go back initially because there was a block. It looks so fake.

It looks like a worse than a Windows screen saver. Like, you feel, like, if you think about it for like making this movie, like, I feel so terrible for these people. Like, yes. You had to act on whatever fucking playground garbage setup this was. It's the lie that all movies now have, which is like all of our actors have to do where it's just like, it's going to look great. You have, trust me, it's going to look amazing. And you have, as the actor, like, you have to have faith in the production that that's going to be true. Exactly.

Because you're like, well, all right, I got to send, like, they'll probably show you like some test images or whatever. Like, this is what's going to look like. This is what you're supposed to be looking at. You know, this is fucking Liam Neeson as that talking lion, you know. Yeah, this is a story, but Dailies. That's the thing. That's what this movie is. The animatics became the final product.

Dude, because when this C-Snake shows up, It looks like the eel from Mario 64. Yes, it looks exactly like the eel that you have. That has the star on its tail. Yep. Yep. Oh, it's so fucking bad. And so this thing, you first get it, you get like the little tail come up over the water's edge, you know.

And it should be like following movie logic, it should have like the head of Larry King or something. You know what I mean? Like it should be if we're doing that. You got to try the bagels out of Fairfax. All right. All right. We're brushing the water from Brooklyn. Question from Brooklyn.

How do you taste? Oh, expand on that. He's asked that before. We've got Edward Burns here, and by here I mean in my snake belly. Ed, how are you doing in there? Oh, you are being digested. And the Ghostbusters dance the night away. Yeah, so like, whatever.

And, like, it gets the sister friend. first just chomps right down and Ed Burns again like totally whatever you know what we'll fix it in post so she's dead and then like the thing they do shoot it is that what happens

it gets it wraps up Edward Burns really badly oh my god this part and really badly oh my god this these CG boots that we're looking at CG boots CG legs dude this is awful.

What are we just like get some prop department to make a slithery looking I don't know what would you need max eight feet wrap it around some real fucking legs and do some sort of practical shot. Do you think Quinn Tarantino would like fake legs or would he be like that's inauthentic

man? So what you're asking does Quinn Tarantino jerk off to nanny from the Muppet babies or not? Right exactly. Well she ain't showing nothing. No but She's got the shoes, dude. Dude, those fucking calves on that lady? Dude, those fucking old lady sneakers? No ways that turning anybody on.

First of all, it's certainly turning someone. All right, true. Fair point. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Did you cut? Did you cut my feet pictures with CGI? Did you cut? But with QT, I don't think he's a shoe person. It's bare or bust. Yeah, that's a really good point.

You got to see them tutsies, dude. Not some fucking boot or a sneaker. You want to talk about it. Sutsi pop. That's what Tim Tino's doing at night. Listen, Jan, I always wanted the fucking mothers from the those Muppet babies to step on my balls and they go Charlie Brown's mom. Oh, the Charlie Brown. Yes, she steps on them.

No? Bramp, boy. Wait, but what happens to this fucking thing, though? Does he kill it? No, she does. No, no, there's the crush. But somehow the thing is stuck in the subway partially, even though it just wrapped it up, it burns with its tail.

And then it gets crushed when the ceiling above it falls in. Because there's a fake out here where he's like, you think he's dead or you think he's going to die. Right. Well, no, the fake out of like he's like, you got to hold your breath for a long time. The longest you ever held it. You're on the swim team. I'm a gym coach.

And she's like, okay, got it. We're going to beat those Brooklyn fucks. They're underwater or whatever And then like the thing Its head like breaks through the window But it's just dead or something Yes Yeah

I think it's at the very end of all this Because she does some like swimming CPR on him Well I mean I would have loved if the scene was just her I'd be like don't worry When we I go back into time travel You'll be fine That's what it honestly should have been The shoes on the other foot knife fucking hate it

Totally this boot doesn't fit Is this what pain feels like? The line is he goes, stay close to me. Take the deepest breath of your life and then go for it. Go for it. You're not coaching track. He's a scientist. Is he?

So they get to the fucking university. She puts the thing in. And uh-oh, they're like, he has to put on his time pants. Like, because you cannot time travel and jeans. This is when the Calvin Klein Andes come in. You got to get some camo fucking cargo pants. pants on, I guess. Like the helmet makes sense. Sure. Even the jacket to a sense

of the gloves, but like pants of pants. He's got, it's fucking denim, dude. He can stand some time travel. That's stonewashed. I don't know. My jeans are now distressed. Ah, fuck. You complain. I had a boy come back to me. Skin turned to denim. I mean,

denim was invented when Moses brought down the tablets and then he started washing pants on it. That's so the The grooves of the God's letters that got, you know, God carved it with chisel himself. Yep. Those grooves help to wash. Oh, for sure. Yeah, you can really get on the T, especially on the T.

The Fifth Commandment will really get mud out. Exactly. Which one was that again? I think that's stealing or is it murder? It's a big one. Kill is six, I thought. Wait, what's first, freedom of speech? I don't even know.

I think one. is I am your god there shall not be any other gods before me that's a good one are you looking up commandments or Tom Petty again let's look up

what is Kevin fucking 50-50 dude I think God would command you not to play any more Tom Petty on this episode don't tempt me at least change it to it's good to be king or something

I mean this is an educational show that E on iTunes is not for explicit it's for educational so you should probably tell them what the commandments are while Steve is looking this up. These monkeys are chasing him by the way

and they're trying to get into the facility. Five is kill. Five is kill. Wait, what was six? Adultery. Damn it. Wait, so killing. The sexiest of all that. Shane difference. Is it like it's descending order? So like adultery is a little less of a sin than number one is you can't ever

have anybody other than me. It's like, hey, I'm your number one baby. We're exclusive. Yeah, exactly. Okay, no, what's number two? Don't go all. So they were talking about a sound of thunder. And then they literally broke down the 10 commands. If anyone's complaining, go put a lollip up to your eyes. I think that might take a week.

It depends on how hot your ass is. I've been thinking about it in the back of my mind. Have you been talking to be jalapinos? Yeah, that's a good point. Is it summer? Is your ass sweating? Look, if you're going to go and hang out with your false idols at the club later, I want a pin.

I want text every 10 minutes. Exactly. All right, go through them quick. Number two is don't take my name in vain. And also, when you're out with your fucking friends, don't you talk, don't not put my name in your fucking mouth. Jesus Christ, guys. I don't want to hear what they think about me either.

I remember keep holy the Sabbath day. That's number three. Every fucking birthday. You are coming over to my fucking house. Every fucking Sunday. The game's on. Give me a beer, babe. I don't care if your mother's in the fucking hospital.

Today's my day. Okay, we understand that. Number four. honor your father and your mother they work really hard they got nothing to do with how you turned out listen don't don't bust your fucking dad's balls okay that guy works fucking hard that guy worked overtime for you oh wait they said something bad about me okay yeah maybe fuck them okay maybe fuck them all right now that we're getting into the dregs here don't kill nobody okay listen you don't need that heat on his it's not the most important thing but if you do it look if we

if i got you all right number one absolutely do never Never say my fucking name, you son of a bitch. But I guess eventually if you have to, try not to kill no one, okay? And I'll tell you, if you do fucking kill someone, you go to jail every fucking Sunday. You better be in my house there, too. Number six, don't fuck nobody other than your wife. Okay, look. I'm traditional.

I'm traditional, but listen, I'm also a little realistic. So I know my creation is going to make some fucking mistakes. Look, it's good for me, bad for you. Look, that's how it's going to go. Don't steal nothing, okay? You don't need that heat on you. Unless I tell you to. If I tell you to kill or steal something, you should do it.

Stealing in the name of my God. It's fine then. Number eight, do not bear false witness against nobody. You didn't see nothing. Snitches get stitches. Did you lie to me? I think it's actually a reference to lying, but yeah, that's fine. Number nine, don't jerk off to your neighbor's wife.

Okay, do me a faith. Don't covet nobody else. Just keep it up in your head. You know what I mean? Well, no, you can't even keep it on your head. No, that's part of the sin. Fuck, I can read your brain. I forgot about it.

And 10, don't, you know what, don't count anybody else's money, okay? What he's got, none of your business. You see him bringing the new fucking Apple TV and number 10. Wow. So nine was don't jerk off, right? Yes. Unless it's about me.

Unless it's about me. But if you want to cover your neighbor's husband or dog, dude. She says it's okay with they're okay with dogs? Well it doesn't say it's not. That might fall under the goods category though. Is a dog a good or is it dog a not?

For Bible times definitely a good. True. But covering my neighbor's husband, dude, I mean, you know. You can go for it. You want to do that in the fucking down low, man? I mean, I've seen some shit. People are also goods in Bible times. No, that's also true.

Don't count his money unless you steal his money for me. And then we count the money together. But really, just fucking keep my name out of your fucking mouth and just make sure you're not thinking about me too. And don't fucking talk to anybody else other than me. And if you're in the church in Southie, don't lie

to me and tell me how to church in Northe. I like how we got here from Stonewash Chiefs. Yep, that's how that works. Just follow the thought thread, dude. They have like a stilted romantic kiss. He goes back in time. The final time wave

is coming. This is the funny. And she turns into a sad fish person. He looks like a catfish. She fucking spikes the camera. Mother! Yes, it is. It's a, like her eyes just blink, like and you're like,

okay. It's disgusting because it's a fish with feet. Yes. Oh shit, Tarantino might like that. And then Ed Burns actually got hit by the Time Wave 2 and he turned into Ed Norton. It's all fucked. So yeah, he goes back in time and the whole thing is he's going to hide out, make sure that the dude doesn't

stop on the butterfly. But then also, he's like, you know, well, how are we going to remember this? Because if we just reset it, we're not going to learn any lessons. So he runs up to the woman who's filming everything and just like yells into her camera. Listen to me! Oh, no. I can't believe it. Went back in time of $65 million in one year. This is what happened. So, yeah, he's like, you know, this is what happened. You've got to let fucking Clay know because then he can shut us down and it'll be fine.

Look, I'm wordlessly telling you that don't worry. There's two of me. Yes. Don't worry about that either. But listen to this one. That one's full of shit. Make sure you tape the Holocron and you put it in your pocket. Give it only to me, not anybody else.

Because everybody else is crooked. Yeah. And then the dude is about to fall off the. the bridge, he catches him, that's all totally fine. And the guy's, like, screaming. And, like, as he's screaming, Ed Burns, like, is erased from that timeline. It's kind of funny. Well, does he come?

I want him to go back and see her as a fish and then turn into a fish himself, maybe? Or maybe since he missed the time wave? What happens to that? Maybe if he turns into a fish there back in the past. And then everyone, including his other self, shoot him. Look, it's a monster. It's one of these fucking dino monsters. I can see that happening.

So, like, yeah, he goes back and it's all totally fine. And then she's like, here you have to take a look at this. He watches it. Then he goes back to Sonia's house and is like, you know, hey, you know, blah, blah, blah. You need to take a look at this and watch it, whatever. I mean, it's weird, though. All he says is like, I don't even know what he said. Look, it's not really relevant.

It's, I think he says something about the biofilter, maybe. Well, she, the, the, the, the, the, sistery figure. Yes. tells Clay, like, hey, by the way, I know about the bio filter. She says something like, you know, oh, yeah, turn that back on. And she, like, pats up on the shoulder and he's like, good boy. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, but I don't know, like, he's like, I got fucking, I got real evidence here.

And she's like, want a cup of coffee? End of movie. Absolutely. Yep. That's like the stupidest decision you can make. Yes. Because either end it when this thing is solved. Yes.

And if you're going to go into a whole other movement about like, we have to figure this long. You have to do all of it. I'm going to hate it. I'm going to scream. Yeah. But you got to do it all. You need to do like a winking line to Ben Kingsley that he knows he's fucked. You know what I mean?

Like that. He's just like, hey. She needs to send say the bio filter line to Ben Kingsley. He's not even in the movie anymore. No, he's not. No. They left his puppet back there. No, there is a scene or a bit where the other guy goes and confront like goes to Ben Kingsley like, we're in trouble.

and you see them like talking on a catwalk Yeah you're totally right yeah Out of focus talking on a catwalk So it could not maybe not be It's Peter Hymes in a fucking huge white wig Yeah and it's like Oh I want to have a cup of coffee slash 69 Before we go do this science project

It's so bad It needs to be something and it's nothing It's absolutely nothing I will say I think the best part of this movie Because I left it on I had like a wireless headset on So it's like walking around, like, you know, putting glasses in the sink or whatever, still left the credits on. The score to this movie, at least at the end credits, I don't remember what it's doing in the movie, is actually pretty okay.

Okay. I was like, all right, this is like some good orchestration. You know, I found myself, like, looking out the window at one point. That's fun. Yeah, all right. Thinking about the past. This movie made me feel like I was eating batteries. So, like, nothing really stuck, I'll be honest with you.

You can do that? You're not a robot? Yes, it might hurt me. Would anybody recommend this movie, though? I would not. It's not it's I mean like honestly watch the first five minutes and see how cheap that dinosaur is and then punch out because that's all you need. The baboons look like shit. Um, Ed Burns is terrible. There's no you kind of want a good team around him to sort of come to interesting ends. That doesn't happen either. You get nothing that you want. It's terrible. Absolutely. Do not watch this. I'm almost thinking this is it's borderline seeing as believing because I can't believe this was a film. I can't believe this flew under my radar for so many years but I wouldn't recommend it because

it's absolute garbage but if you want a bad bad movie you get the you get the boys around something truly inexplicable yeah you're drinking doing drugs all night you know it's been a while it's like I had one of those and I kind of

I can see that happening it's 4 a.m like some of them are passed out it's hot in the room and this is this fucking thing you shove a tootsie pop up one of their asses just to see how long it takes the degraded. Yeah, and then you start reading the commandments

when you get bored of the movie. It's a good night. So it's a maybe for me. Sure. I was Steve, absolutely not. I would say stick until you see Ben Tunzee's hair. Yeah. You got to get past the T-Rex

to get to the hair. Even some of the cousin play. Hey, why not? But no, it's awful. It's terrible. Yeah, this is complete trash. The thing that I'm curious about, is what all they decided to put in the trailer of this movie. Ooh, good question. Because my God, if you showed this dinosaur in this trailer...

You can't. You can't. I mean, what are we doing? It's probably just a lot of Ed Burns will get to be like, oh, no, it's getting worse. You know, that kind of everything. It's the shot of the dinosaur and the song, Everybody Do the Dinosaur. It's over the door. Get on the floor. Everybody do... Everybody walk the dinosaur, I think is what it is.

I guess. Yeah. Who cares? It's like walking the plank. It's just pirated footage from Jurassic Park 3. That is a sound of thunder directed by Peter Hymes. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out Patreon.com slash we hate movies.

Where this month, for Listen to Request Month, the We Love Movies bonus episode is indeed Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We recorded it. It's a super fun app. You're going to love it. We recorded it one time. Also, one time. Commentary coming.

The Justice League. Yeah, dude. $8 level, which also unlocks the Nexus, our Star Trek recap podcast where we do TNG and TOS. And speaking of TNG, we're also recapping Picard on there. Every single episode, we're going to finish it this month. Which is exciting. Totally. But that's not all.

The Gleap Glouclery this month. We're doing the Ewok Princess Nisa. So there is a lot of content. And the gummy bears, if you're speaking to Disney Plus kind of stuff on animation damnation, it's super exciting. That's the $3 level. but if you're at the 8, you unlock everything including our archive of old episodes. I think you want to be on the 8th.

I'm just saying. I think that's the 11th commandment. Thou shalt subscribe at the $8 level. So that is it. On the prime feed, by the way, of course, there will be another episode. So big thanks to Tony from Ontario for setting up this classic conversation.

But Steve Sadek, listener request month continues into the next week where we will be talking about What against StarWil? We're continuing listener request month and we are talking about Queen of the Damned. Oh man, this is another I saw it in the theater.

We've talked about corn on law-abiding citizen. We're going to talk about corn on this episode. I was going to say, should we talk about the announcement? Yes, do the announcement. If someone's listening this late into the episode, they deserve a reward.

This is why you have to stick around to the very last second, dude, because this is where we sort of teased it a little bit, But back on Law & Buying Citizen, we made a joke about seeing corn, and guess what? This August, the corn cast, or September, the corn cast is coming. We're going to see corn at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York. Tickets are purchased. We will be there and we will be recording our thoughts, our reactions, immediately after the performance.

That will be on Patreon, obviously. Absolutely. Because there's no way we're doing that for free. No, no. That is at the $8 level. The highest way. We might make a $30 level. You want to hear us talk about corn.

The new metal level. So that is it. So until next week, what did you say? Queen of the Damned, of course, when you see Alia and Stuart, what is this? Townsend. Stewie Townsend playing the Tom Cruise character. What? No, I said, well, I'll be damned.

Yes. Well, we'll all be damned next week, friends. Yes, Queen, right? Oh, dear God. God. End it. End it. So until next week.

Until next week, I'm Andrew Chupin. Steven Zayn. Eric sounds good. Chris Kevin, get out of here. Get in. Take it easy.