We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 476 - Queen of the Damned

Episode Date: March 24, 2020

On this week's episode, it's the penultimate listener requested title of 2020 and the gang is forced to talk about the horrendous nü-metal-soaked vampire flick, Queen of the Damned! Where on Earth did they get the idea that this was an appropriate soundtrack to accompany this source material? So Cruise turned down the role, but... Stuart Townsend? And who could possibly care about this vampire research group? PLUS: The New Radicals open for Lestat the Vampire in Death Valley! Queen of the Damned stars Stuart Townsend, Aaliyah, Marguerite Moreau, Vincent Perez, Paul McGann, and Lena Olin; directed by Michael Rymer. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, is this one of the worst soundtracks to a motion picture of all time? It's Queen of the Damned. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Siddick. I'm Eric Siska. Um, up to, um, abuduna. Why do we? Wait, wait. Wait, wait. Is a minion here with us?

And we hate movies. Hello, Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies. Thank you for tuning into our fine little program, as always. If you're new to the show, we are smack dab in the middle of our 2020 listener request month in where you, the listener, have requested

what us, the entertainer, decides to watch. And my God, this week, it's Queen of the Dam from 2002 directed by Michael Rumer. I will say up front, I will admit to seeing this in the theater. Whoa. You know, perchance to spy a lady, man.

I mean, that's, you know. Big Alia fan. Rock the boat. No, I was not a big. a Galea fan. I was a fan of the lady friend that I was taking in the movie theater at the time. A little date boy over here. A little date boy. Yeah. How'd that go? Not great, but I

have a feeling looking back, it may have had something to do with this movie. Because this movie sucks shit. It's really bad. It sucks shit, man. I did not remember it being this bad. Imagine a vampire that instead of sucking blood sucks shit. That's out there.

So that's just alone the vampire, huh? And how it is I who will live forever. Why is your castle nothing but glass tables? Castle glass table. Yeah, this movie is, I'm not going to say a sequel, but it is a continuation of the Anne Reis-Lestat saga. Maybe it would be imagining, possibly? Well, because this is based on the next two books.

So interview with the vampire, the Vampire Chronicles was interview with the vampire. the Neil Jordan film with Tom Cruise and Kirsten Dunstan Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas. It's funny they don't bring it up. I write some interviews about this movie and they never bring it, but Anne Rice toured with corn for some time to get into it

while she was writing the novels there. I guess I was reading that she literally was like begging them to not combine these two books into one thing. And they were like, fuck you person who created this. You could suck shit too. Well, it was a thing where what I was reading was

was like the rights are running out kind of a movie. Yes, yeah, the clock's till midnight to make a movie. It's the fucking Roger Corman Fantastic Ford mess all over again. Exactly, which happens a lot. I mean, I think that's why that other Fantastic Four movie also kind of

came out. Speaking of a suck and shit. Michael Reimer, by the way, it's a director, not rumor. Rimer? Fuck you. Auto-correct on this iPad, dude, this auto-correct thinks it knows everything. Rimer has it. I wanted to say, Rimer has it. Just because he was a big BSG guy. He did the miniser. He directed the

series and a bunch of episodes. Oh, shit. Wow, he's better on TV. He's much better on TV than in this. And I think the guy who did the score with Jonathan Davis did the theme for Battlestar Galangica. Oh, did he really? Oh, God. Bear McCready? No, no, no.

Somebody else did the theme. Interesting. Yeah, that's why the Bacca boom, back a back a part of the Battlestar. That's the one that hit me like a sledgehammer. It was like I had completely forgot that Jonathan Davis is the singing voice

for a Stor Townsend, which is ludicrous. It looks so insane. Vampire powers, being sexy, singing like corn. By the way, Tom Cruise apparently was approached to reapprised as well, yeah, of course you would approach him. So they were dying

to make it a sequel, I want to. Well, because Tom Cruise A is a vampire. Have you seen that guy lately? Sure. I know it's insane. He's been sucking shit as all. No, I'm kidding. He was a beautiful. Whatever. It would make sense if Scientology was just umpires yeah that would make a lot of more sense to me yeah i would sign up instantly by the way steve's been trying to get something out for 10 just just thinking about jonathan davis because i um

to get in the mood of doing this episode i listened to hell yeah a little bit of corn on the train and i got to tell you i am bummed out about going to this show i am legitimately bummed out i don't think we announced it on the air yet but we are doing a thing on patreon.com slash We ate movies where we're going to do a post corn show review. Yeah. We're going to see corn. But yes. I want some stuff from self-titled.

I want some life is peachy. I don't want all these post-issue stuff. Wow. All I know is about following that leader and that is it. I'm sure we'll also talk about Faith No More. That's also playing. Who are an actual good, great band. Right.

So it should be a lot of fun. Yeah, I just was listening. It was on Spotify. You know when you hit the top of whatever a band is and you'll go through like whatever their biggest hits are and it was like and got the life played twice and I was like

shit man I hope Fieldy comes out to do his cover of lowrider by himself I hope I hope all of those words happen I hope every one of those words come through before the horse gets really out of the barn we should play the call thank you I've been trying to get to that

this episode or this movie that we're making this episode on today was requested by a fellow named John from Ohio Let's hear this guy. Hi, this is John from Ohio, and I want to suggest 2002's Queen of the Dam. This movie, oh, my gosh, it has bad late 90s, early 2000 special effects. It's got bad late 90s, early 2000s, new metal.

I mean, there's so much to pick apart. There's some tragedy involved with the film, but I just think there's enough about the movie not related to it. that is just prime for WHM to tear apart. All right, thank you. Bye. Thanks a lot, bud. This is great. I'm so excited to be talking about this movie.

The tragedy is referring to is actually the tomato meter. Oh, no. What was the percentage there? I think it was low. Probably like a six. I don't know. I didn't look at it. I just assume it's bad.

You got me an IMDB rating? No, I do not. Do you have an IMDB rate? It was very low. I think it was shocking. To not get a six on IMDB, you've got to kill somebody. Your movie's got to really suck shit. Really? It's true. Everything on there is at least six.

Because there's all those nerd pieces of shit out there who like vote for things that are bad. What's great about those nerd pieces of shit, they also do this with the Tomatoes score, whatever, who gives a shit. Is by the way, guys, you're the only person filling that shit out. I watch movies and I don't run to IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes.com to add what I think about them. No, we run the letterbox like adults. But I'm just saying average people in general don't even do that. They don't do letterbox. Don't do anything.

5.3 on the IMDB. It's on the lower side for sure. Also, obviously, yes, there's no reason to discuss it outside of this point, but six months after this movie Raptor Leo was killed in a plane crash. There it is. But that doesn't matter here. This movie, yes, Stuart Townsend, here's a question. has he ever been worse?

Who is Stuart Townsend? He is the guy that got fired off a Lord of the Rings and replaced with Vigo Morton. Oh man, not old enough to play Eragorn. That's got to kick in the notes. That's the story that is told to save his career.

It was like he got on, he got to fucking New Zealand. Apparently he did like two months of like horseback riding and all this shit. And then Peter Jack's like, we got to get him out of it. Oh my, we got to get him out of here.

He's going to sink the whole fucking listen to me. I'm free. I get panicking. I get panic attacks. I get panic attacks. I got an offer for the new mission impossible. It's Lord of the Rings, though. I've got to take it.

I got to stay here and go through it. No, no, no, no, no. You should take that. You should take any job you can get. You should be on Queen of the Dim. Go do Queen of the Dim. I think the last time we saw Mr. Stuart Townsend, he was portraying Doreen in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen previous episode,

which came out the following year from this movie, by the way. But I remember he was in, he was in and directed that movie Battle in Seattle. Oh, boy. Back in like 2007. No, he's been, he's a terrible actor that's pretty good looking. So he's worked consistently for the last 20 years. So don't worry about that. Yeah.

He, well, yeah, let's see. Yeah. Not like things. No, I mean, he hasn't hit the video game. Because he's terrible. We're working in television. he was on elementary, he was on, of course, on SVU, got to get that in there.

Oh, he was, I didn't know this, because who was possibly watching this, that 13, the series show? Listen, he's doing horseback training. Could we get an orc to scare the horse? Could we get an ork to scare the horse? Best case scenario, he breaks his collarbone. Worst case scenario, he's dead.

Either way, it's not in the movie. We can feed him to the horse. he's dead body we could chop it up I could live with a Christopher Reeve situation Wait a second What is even happening here So there is Apparently in 2005

He starred 10 episodes only In a remake of Colchak the Nightstalker Playing Colchack And then at some point Crackle I don't know but wouldn't be shocked However at some point because it's just the picture on IMDB fucking

Tobo was in an episode I like that gotta check this out smells like doom to me I was looking up supernatural clues for Colchak the nut stalker about 15 years back oh David you brought up Colchack now Stuart Townsend was

terrible it took us 20 minutes to do three lines of dialogue look at this though Aeon Flux League of Extraordinary gentleman. He's awful. It just keeps worse. And I mean, this is Stewart Townsend show. At least League of Extraordinary Gentleman, you've got like you've got

Connery there. You've got you know, people around. People with screen presence. There's a problem with this guy is I get nothing. I look at him. I get nothing. What I love about this movie is it so it is sort of an indirect sequel to interview the vampire. It takes place

after that, obviously. My question because I have not watched that movie in a really long time. Does that movie end with Tom Cruise going into this sleep that he's been in for a hundred years? No, he was asleep because if something happened, they spiked his shit and then they had

him and Brad Pitt and Kristen doesn't spike his shit. They leave the country but then at the end he comes back in a fun scene where he kills Christian Slater. That's what I thought. Okay, yeah. So they just are pretending like that didn't happen. I guess so. Because he says he's been asleep since

like 1902. He says he's been asleep for 100 years. Well, because the music wasn't good enough until New Metal came out. Who the fuck thought that this was a good idea? Like, sinking this vampire movie into the world of New Metal. He heard Mudvane

from the grave and that was it. He had to come back, baby. Well, that's the thing is like, you know, he listened, the 60s didn't do it for him, the 70s, the doors, eat my ass, didn't care for the Zeppelin, didn't want to get the let out. No. Aerosmiths, fucking

name a rock band in the 19-year. didn't do it. Wasp. The wasp definitely didn't do it, dude. The reason he's into new metal here is because that's what the kids are into. It's at the height of its powers. Everyone's talking about Jonathan Davis. I guess so.

This is probably the most new medley movie of all time, right? I mean, even more than Daredevil. Oh, I was going to say it's more new medley than Dracula 2000. Yes. Better movie, by the way. Dracula 2000? Yes, absolutely. No doubt about 100%. It's one of the worst things I've seen for this

program it's up there it was just it was one of those things that where i i really did not remember it being this bad yeah and so when that happens to me like you know watching something as a going on 36 year old man and i'm like like what was wrong with me like how terrible like this movie was making me question so much i mean that's i mean eric is right like the time it was new but everybody was new metal crazy so a movie where new metal is the the the the the damned music. Yeah. It kind of you don't really notice how stupid it is but when you come back to it. Oh yeah. And notice

that Jonathan Davis is I mean, New Metal aged so poorly. There's no high watermark for new metal. We live through a time. There is. It's called the deaf tones and you're going to shut up again. But was I thought the Deftones came before like New Metal proper. Well sure

adrenaline I think came before the wave but like so they had some early seeding. But like Jonathan Davis was say that like the deaf tongues were an influence on corn they like work they were like at the same time they were contemporary yeah they're contemporaries like my own summer is for sure a new metal song uh-huh all right fair enough kavin you know where maybe we will all reapprise new metal when we see this concert on september 3rd dude imagine we go to this show and then come out just being

assholes like we're turned into assholes who like new metal what do we become assholes or something i was trying to say before it's like we lived through a time where new metal was just an you know it was just everywhere you didn't even notice it so when this movie came out when the one with jet lee came out yeah when all these movies had it in their soundtrack it didn't seem out of place no not at all now it does now it seems insane that you would do this and you're totally right eric and i think that's completely fascinating that at the time we just like like you totally ignored it in one ear and out the other well i was into new metal very i'm not going to pretend that i wasn't i mean i just now looking back i just can't and i still have like

nostalgia for it like i'll put on a limp biscuit album and i'll be like wow this was this is what i used to listen to man and you think about it and you're like that sucks but it's there is it three dollar bills y'all or is it significant oh signalling oh yeah that's got scott wylan wait you guys are talking about limp biscuit album we're talking oh yeah yeah totally what was chocolate starfish in the hot dog water that's that's the third one that's they jumped the shark for the say that wow what was scott wyland doing on that album he did he did a guest track there's a lot of guess you're a method man on that lip biscuit method man rock in the house y'all and together now yeah all end

together now my friend horrible time to be alive just all around terrible now being a new metal person now is like the saddest thing in the it's like the juggalo's without the loyalty so but you're you're saying you're you're proud proud one though an ex new metal head yeah you used to do said the deaf tones good band yeah yeah i mean just because i like one band from a genre. We have gotten comments that people do agree with you. I know about the death time.

They're correct. People love the death tones. I'm not that familiar, but what I've heard of them that track on law-abiding citizen. Did not care? Might as well be slipped down. There's a big musical cue in this movie. Yes. When it's the sex scene between him and Alia. I have to say if there's one positive thing to say about this movie,

that's sexy, not too shabby. So he is, he skips, grunge happens. Kirkobain blows his head off, not making any noise in the crypt. Nothing yet. Didn't want to skank his way out of the tomb. Right. Kirkobane became the invisible man. Early Electronica, really didn't do it for him. Didn't like the Chemical Brothers, nor was he

much of a prodigy man. But once they get into that dropsy, chag, chag, chag, chag, chag, chag, chag, chag, chag, chag, chag. Those big bases. This movie definitely starts with, like, you know, being a vampire, isn't it all that it's cracked up to be monologue? from him and you're like fuck you

you're sexy forever you're constantly fucking you can eat whatever you want fuck you 100 year naps sign me up totally my god I would if I if I just think if I was a vampire and you know I was due for a hundred year nap right now is a perfect time to turn in settle in just to turn in

make sure it's in a bomb shelter dude just in case you want to be sleeping in a rickety church if I was a vampire I would look like Mr. Bean getting ready for a long just nap I'd have a fucking sleeping cap on and a teddy bear and I'd be like see you fuckers in a century that teddy bear was fantastic it was um so he gets he wakes up also he's doing which Tom Cruise does not do an interview of the vampire which I saw two years ago ish

um does that hold up yeah it's it's a totally good movie it's a middle of the road it's a hangover movie for sure uh-huh it lasts forever um but you know him being really fun in it he is really fun and Brad Pitt's good in it and like so is Stephen Ray Antonio Banderas you know all that's true Neil Jordan directed it yes yeah it's got it looks it looks good it totally holds up

but what Tom Cruise is not doing in that movie is a Dracula accent which Stuart Townsend kind of is it's like I don't know what we do like it just he gets a little Dracula's I was really trying to figure out what the hell we're doing here because he's Irish but he's not doing that no well yeah well no

it breaks out a few times towards the ends I heard some a little breaking out. But yeah, it's a chameleon. It goes back and forth. Depending on who his scene partner is, I think it changes. So he basically says, like, you know, the scene was dead until things started to sound pretty good. And it's new metal. So he wakes up and he's in New Orleans, or Louisiana area at least.

And he, like, basically storms into this barn. where this shitty band is rehearsing and is like, and now I am your lead singer. And then they're like, you can't sing. And he's like, um,

back, and they're like, oh my God, the best thing I've ever heard. You would hear the sound of angels crying. That is an excellent new metal lyric. And then he's like,

hey, you guys want to be vampires. And they're like, fucking obviously. Does he turn these people though? Yes, he does. Does he? He says so, right?

That's why he calls him his children. I don't think he does, though. I think it's more of a, now you're just my slaves play this song kind of shit. Tom Waits and Drag and Browns Starr. A Renfield.

Yeah, because you never see them like using vampire powers. Yeah, I guess you might be right. Because he's just like, he goes and the whole thing of this story you know, for the film. Such as it is. Yeah.

Is that he, from the jump is like determined to, pull the curtain back on vampire culture and he wants vampires to go mainstream. It's a real true blood thing by the way. It is. No, definitely. Because he's finally living like openly as a vampire he's living his best life. He's like introduces himself as I'm the vampire list out. He's like, I shouldn't have done that, but I'm doing it. That's what he tells these people in the band. He's like, by the way, I'm a vampire. And they're like, yeah, okay, dude. And then he starts doing his like,

now I'm over on this side of the room vampire trick. And they're like, all right cool and then without any of the you know typical rock and roll band like we're going to start playing some clubs here and there maybe get an EP out no start with some cover songs they're just instantly famous yeah super the biggest thing in the run this is their debut album debut album redeemer is the name of the album excellent did you hear that fucking song did you hear it wouldn't you go fucking nuts if you heard that song was it the deaf tones no it's not the Deftones. The Deftones is the sex scene song.

I did, because I wanted to listen to some of that on the way up. But apparently, the soundtrack, the movie, the actual, whatever their band name is. They, aren't they just called the Vampire La Stott? They're like, welcome to the stage, the Vampire and the Stott. The Stott and the Suckers. That would rule. That's pretty great. The Vampire La Stott and the Suckers.

We suck. Yeah, yeah. No, but apparently Jonathan Davis couldn't be on the soundtrack for whatever legal reasons. So they got like Wayne Static, Chester Bennington, and others to do those songs. They got a lot of Static X in this movie. There's a lot of Static X. Wayne Static and Chester Bennington were the two names that I recognized on that bit of IMDB trivia. And then after that it was like, bowl.

Yeah. And there was like another three names. There's the guy from Orgy, I think, was involved. Oh, that checks out. I think that's the early song. I think that's the opening song. Oh, does it be able? Totally. Remember that one, guys? Yeah, like, he did a cover song.

Here's a bag of money for your cover song. This is from Opticon. The guy sounded awful. He did. He was not a good boy. Even Jonathan Davis sounds kind of better. Well, I mean, that's the problem with John. Jonathan Davis, it's like that whining, and the lyrics are really whining.

And I'm like, dude, you're fucking 300 years old. Like, you're not a teenager anymore. Like, it's kind of embarrassing. You're the vampire list of. Well, the average, like, a person, like you live to a thousand years old, you know, old white guys, I always want to start a band, right?

Yeah, yeah. So it makes sense. Vampire would want to do that. I'm just, I think the point is, though, the lyrics for the band, the Vampir de Stott are quite terrible. Because it's a lot of just like, you don't know what you've done to me

and the big issue is that he's supposed to be giving out big secrets of the vampires in these lyrics I'm like what the fuck did he give up there's a press conference which is kind of like the next big scene which is like it's the band is there and Stuart Townsend is on like a big TV and it's like this like fucking the Beatles in America kind of press conference

and this one woman is like excuse me aren't vampires not supposed to give away their secrets. I'm like, where the fuck did that come from? I never really heard of this. There was a song that he put out that said that it could admit that they suck shit. If you

stick us, we died. Garlic, garlic, garlic, garlic, garlic, garlic. And a crucifix. We kind of smell like peas. Nobody knows these. We kind of

smell like peas. But you're right, though. I never heard that, like, you couldn't give it out. It was a pretty great song. Way better than anything, corn ever did. Yeah, I never heard this.

No, yes. They're not like magicians. Right, yeah. And he's like, oh, if you want to know the real secrets, maybe I'll invade your room tonight. And I was like, oh, that's a scene that's going to happen.

And it doesn't. No, definitely not. He should have had sexual intercourse with that reporter. Yeah, or killed her. I almost thought she was the girl on the woman on the park bench at the end. Oh yeah.

They look from the similar. Yeah, I don't think so though. Just because who knows? Yeah, I mean. Oh, yes. I see what you're saying. I don't think it's the same person. I don't think so, but I was like, what? This, uh, you get a glimpse somewhere around here of like a music

video that they made. Oh yeah, man. It's just like the cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Dude. Oh my lord. Stop it. Just stop it. Come on. What sucks is though, like that is a thing. that like in the real world also existed. Oh for sure. Of course.

And it just reminded me of all that putrid shit. Rob Zombie definitely did this and he gave it to a stat and so just change it around a bit so the teacher doesn't know it. It was like videos for bands like tool but they didn't have the money to have the claymation shit.

And so I guess also the other thing though is he's basically daring other vampires to come out like you know join me in the world I fucking dare you like we're doing this big show in Death Valley, California. That's so cool. Death is in the name.

Oh, right. Fucking crazy. Isn't that fucking crazy? They're going to have a Frankenstein afterwards, too. All the monsters are going to play some songs. Wolfman's doing a DJ set. Making fucking Halloween. It was the mash.

It was the monster mass. Boom, that. So if vampires are new metal, I guess, would werewolves be scah? Is that how that's going to go? I think the skank and werewolf. That's a movie. Oh, what? Jerry, the skank and werewolf? Absolutely.

The mummy is R&B, I think. Oh, nice. Yeah. I can see that. Right, because he moves all slow, so it's just, you know. Slow jams. His voice is as smooth as his ribbons that are over all over his body. Oh, yeah.

I guess Frankenstein would have to be hip hop then. know just to I don't know I could see that I know what creature from the black lagoon or Gilman depending upon what you're talking about those dudes are just exclusively listening to fish that's it we like to draw music dude that is freaking me the fuck out how are you doing that just the thing don't give away your secrets dude I'm a vampire vampires can make excellent voice impression

but underneath the water. Yeah, when we met Steve, he was a shape of water guy. And we were, like, feeding him pickles and eggs in college, and then we broke him out. Then we fucked him. Well, you got him. Yeah, yeah.

Try it out. We sat in a movie theater for a little bit, and then we fucked him. I don't like that song. It's 20 minutes long. So he has this dude, Roger, who's like this scumbag record executive. and this is where you see we get a little scene here of him being a nefarious sexy vampire because

Roger this guy he's like ah come right this way ladies yeah the vampire the stat's just right around this door it's like these two babes they're super hype to meet their favorite dude who's not put out a record yet but they love him anyway yeah uh and he's like you know the the woman like tries to make a move on him and he's like no no no no and like let's do this instead let's crawl on the floor like dogs and then he starts crawling up the wall and you're like oh okay vampire powers blah blah blah he kills these two women

this shows you the difference one of the many differences in this is an interview of the vampire is that nobody wanted to be in this movie like interview with the vampire deep cast even Dracula 2000 pretty deep cast oh Omar Epps is in that movie Johnny Lee Miller

FYE's FYE's involved Christopher Flomber Was it Tower Records? I believe it was Tower Records Also, and then what's her face, of course. Vitamin C herself. But like nobody is in this movie.

They couldn't even get vitamin D. Jesus. Because I hate the sun. Is that the porn starvers? It's a vampire joke. It was, so Stuart Townsend, Aaliyah, this was only her second motion picture after Romeo must die,

which is a great movie, I think. I thought you're going to back me up on that. I like it. Oh, all right. I haven't seen it forever. I saw it when it came out and I was not impressed, but I don't... I guess, all right, maybe it doesn't hold up.

I don't know, though. I remember the time really long. It's a hangover movie. It's fine. I just don't love it. So then, so that's those two. Keep going. Like, let's try to do it without look at IMDV.

Vincent Perez is the, one of, is the latter crow. Yes, he was the crow in Crow City of Angels. Yes, you got that. You've also got Alina Olin, who I don't even know what she's doing in this movie. she comes up three times and I'm like, who are you? And she's like by far the classiest actor in this movie. And you're like, what is

this? Well, she's at the hammer. She's the and Linda Olinn. She's good, but like, what is she doing? Barely in this movie is what she's doing. Yeah, so yeah, there's not a lot of people, including these two women that are murdered. Then we cut to what is just like the first part of a totally useless thread in this movie is this Jesse

character. Yes. So Jesse She's played by the woman from Wet Hot American Summer. A mighty, an ex-Mighty Duck? Yes. She's also a... Oh, yeah. Ducks. And she's doing this whole thing where it's like...

She sort of remembers, like, being raised by Lina Olin after her parents died or something. And then it's like, okay, now she's, I guess, auditioning to be in this vampire studies research group or whatever the fuck. This whole, like, research group is like, we want to do Van Helsing, but not. So it's going to be a fucking... Don't want to get sued. The Telmaska Center for Paranormal Studies. Thank you. Call it what it is.

It's a syndicate. Headed by Ray Stans, actually. Welcome to the Talmaska Institute. We're going after the Vampire Lastat. You have to buy a certain amount of used books first. Listen, I am hunting the ghost what gave me a blowjob. She's got to be out there and she's into my hog. This is for her.

Baby, come back. Miss him, baby, you can blame it all on me. No way, dude, he does not perform any music live unless it's the bo-b-b-b-b-blues. Oh, and by the way, the actress's name is Marguerite Moreau from Wet Hot. She played Katie. And she's in some of those, the continuations of Wet Hot.

Also, yeah, but this whole three, I'm just like, I never thought I'd be saying this, but where the hell's Stuart Townsend? And then, oh, sorry. They have the Star Trek thing where they can't interfere. Don't know what that is. I'm like, oh, great. So here's a syndicate that does all this fucking research on these incredible things and can't do anything.

We mustn't not interfere unless we find the ghost that gave me a blowjob. And then interfere mightily, friends. You're going to have to hand me roses and I'm going to have to really impress her. We're basically going to do Serenot de Bergerac, but it's with the ghost with what gave me a blowjob. Clear out Chipriani. I don't know how to do it, just do it. I don't know how to do it. That's not her.

That's not her. All right, that's close enough. Get sucking. We'll keep looking. That's all I want it. This is him yelling at ghosts. All these years are searching just for another suck job. You know when I was young, I thought I wanted to bust ghosts,

but it turns out I just wanted to bust nuts. So I became an amateur porn star. Aye, gang, gang, gang, gang, race dance. Don't cross the streams. I'm shooting some ropes. All right, I'm back to Ray Stand's Ghost Hunter. I will sleep in this haunted mental institution and hopefully get a blowjob.

It's just him. You see the night vision and he sort of like loops his head up from the pillow. Nothing yet. He just huds and takes his dick out and he's like, are yours? What are you waiting for? Ray, are you okay? I saw something move.

No, I just got an erection under the cover. I was thinking about the ghost that gave me a suck job. Uh-oh, a ghost eat to my ass. Nang, yang, yang! All right, let's do more searches like this. Forget the blow job. This is great. Slimer, get those hot dogs out of there.

That's where I left those. So she's giving like a presentation where she's basically saying like, hey, I'm pretty sure that this fucking old bar in, you know, foggy old London town is actually a vampire coven. we got to go check out and they're all like pissed off because they're like you're a fucking trainee yes you're not supposed to go on what do they say like you're not supposed to go on site missions or whatever i'm like you need just the littlest bit of explanation about what this organization you need someone with some charisma get an old weathered actor to play the head of this

what who's the closest you get is this dude david who's paul mcgan who was and i in with mail yes you had christopher bummer and dracula 2000 just get him back that's what i'm saying, though, and I versus Chris Plummer, dude. I mean, Dragon 2000, again winning. I will stop a thousand tweets. He was also Doctor Who for anyone who, like, an older. I'm sorry, Steve, I was born

in the United States of America. I don't care. I'm aware of that. I just want to stop some tweets. No, I read it. He was the eighth doctor or whatever the fuck. But again, like, no, but he does not have the gravitas to send this where it needs to be, because he comes in there like, oh, it's David, and everyone's talking about David for a while.

And then it's just this wet noodle run in his mouth and I'm like well this guy's no authoritarian figure he's got the same screen time as lena oland and like it's both like you had four hours with each yes exactly you can't just have some guy named david that likes to read about the fucking vampire so you need someone with some connection to it someone that can have the mythos someone with an I don't know I mean somebody has to want to kill these fuckers I'm sorry somebody has to want to kill him dress them like a cool priest then you've got something maybe you got an eye patch like a priest that's like seen some shit Exactly, like a vampire sucked his eyeball out.

Like Father Marin, dude, RIP Max von Seidow, by the way. Oh, yes. Rough week of the WHM offices. Absolutely. Had to watch Queen of the Dam now that happened. Bad stuff. Yeah, so he's all. Hey, Andrew, don't you wish you a dead watching this movie?

I certainly do dead Max Von Zido. Keep rolling. He might give me a blow job. Hey, about Sino, get sucking. Nang, gung, gung. demanding oral sex from ghosts any ghosts at all but so David tells

I'm sorry I'm sorry I am just imagining the new conjuring movie it's the two of them investigating a new house and then like fucking fat Dan Akroyd bumps it get the hell out of here this is my territory yeah this house is covered see

get out get out now I can't tell where my comes and the ectoplasm starts She's mine. Get your own damn lady. Oh, that nun is hot stuff. Don't burn colored paper or whatever you do to bring them out. Looking to break your vows, sister? What?

Nyang, gung, gung. I'm going to fuck that doll, too. I call her Anna. Oh, man. say you and me run away, Annabelle. That's right. I'm traveling with a doll. Kids meet your new mother, Annabel. These kids are like

fucking 40 years old. They're not coming over. You know what, Dad, we were tenuous and best at Christmas. Now that you are living with a doll, we're good. So, he's like, I'm poltergoyce my asshole.

But the thing is like he won't even But you're right though Like what do these people do Did you sit around being like Well last night 20 people were murdered by vampires Do something Put those numbers on the big board I guess

Get out there slaying some vamps Dude you're just letting these people walk all over town And we're still not sure Like it's never It's never clear if he's in at Like they don't think he's an actual vampire right No they definitely do The press they all think he's

Oh no no no no no no Not the society so everybody's just like I don't know maybe there's all these vampire attacks happening probably not though probably just Josh and whatever oh that's 700 people died from neck bites

no well I we'll get to it in a second but like the aftermath of this concert and there's no like well everybody vampires are real there is a couple of like quick things where like a mega hoax question mark like on the as a

headline the vampire attack That was a hoax by the crooked Democrats. Yeah, that's right. There's Alex Jones reporting for InfoWars. They're a crisis actors pretending to be vampires. It's all of hoax, folks. Makes me think about Halloween 2004. One of my children, who I will never see again.

When is Dracula? That brought up some fine memories of my child, who I will repeat, never see again. Let's call the 500,000 people that died that night what it was, an impeachment hoax. They're just trying with their vampire tactics to overturn a duly, a duly adjudicated election. Oh, yeah, right. Like he'd use a word like adjudicated.

Get the fuck out of it. They're desecrating crosses. Don't you see it? I love the Lord Jesus. My favorite book is the Bible. They can get me with a first impeachment. So now they're trying to suck my blood. Now they're sending women who used to be statues after me.

Okay. Some guy says he sucked the blood of a statue. How do you do that, folks? How do you do that? I saw this statue, the so-called Queen of the Damned. Okay? She had blood coming out of her wherever. All right.

No, I'm taking this very serious of this vampire outbreak. I'm putting Mike Pence at the top of the whole thing. he's a dude that would get tricked into being turned into a vampire absolutely they wouldn't let him they'd be like no just get his head off allegedly fun jokes uh so this is all sad time this dude david is like oh you heard word of merrius merius is the closest we've come to the original vampire he's one of the vampire elders don't worry we're not going to explain any of that here's 45 minutes of how he turned listata into a vampire and you know what the most way to introduce a character is via

painting. And now you're something you'll really enjoy. It is just a totally new segment in the movie. And it's weird because like with interview with the vampire, if I'm remembering the structure of that movie correctly, every now and again, we bump

back into Christian Slater doing the titular interview with the vampire, right? But then it cuts back to the movie. Well, it's also one POV, which is all Louis, who's Brad Pitt. And he just tells you the whole story. Right.

And we're cutting back and forth. This, it's like, now it's Marius' story. Then it's fucking, you've got Jesse doing voiceover. You've got a sot doing voiceover. This, like, the voice over here is way too much. And it feels almost like it was kind of like an afterthought. Like they put everything together and it was like, oh, whoops, we got a real turn on our hands. And my favorite thing is that the new, the focus on new metal makes so many scenes uproar.

There's this scene where Jesse is getting up in the morning making herself some tea and just turns out some gentle static X. It was one of those things where it was that scene specifically. Thank you for remembering that. That I was like oh, this is the

whole soundtrack. In the world of this movie, everybody listens to this music. So what's the idea like, okay, so an interview with a vampire you had those, you go back and see how Louis becomes a vampire etc. They're like, well, on And we do that with a Lestat.

Well, because this is two books. One is Lestat, which I'm sure is that whole story of how Lestat became a vampire, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the actual Queen of the Dam, they just kind of jammed him together. And the first book was Louis. New vampire, right? Here's a question just because you mentioned the books. Has anyone here ever read any hand rice? No.

When I was really young, I read interview with a vampire, but I don't remember it at all. Yeah, grown adults out there, is that worth a damn checking out? I do like vampires. My wife read those. She liked them. I mean, she liked them then. I'm sure some of them hold up, some of them don't kind of thing. I mean, she is like one of the more influential people in pop culture because all that buffy shit came from her. Like a lot of that lore is the same. Your true blood, that's a total. I mean, it's a different book series, but it's also kind of a rip off to. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. I just remember, I believe it was the real world New Orleans. They took a trip to her house. Nice.

They worked at her surf shop No, it's just It should shock no one that it looked like Anne Rice clearly lived in a haunted house Yeah, of course. It was fucking awesome. I also always appreciated the jobs that they had on the real world,

especially was it, I was always jealous of Oh, was it a radio station? Was it Seattle when that was the radio station? Seattle or Boston. I don't know why I can't watch those. like the first 10 seasons of real world anywhere I would be doing that right now

is that a fact if you looked like that's not streaming anywhere it's not streaming anywhere but you would actually like yeah let's check it out I would revisit those old ones I would just to check it out

just because I remember 90s and shit yeah I mean hey I love the 90s Eric as you know oh really somebody called VH1 yeah

10 years ago but then also similarly I just would watch those marathons all the time if you're a lonely fat kid on a Saturday Yeah, sure. I could see that.

Yeah. I did that and road rules, man. I never did the road rules. I did a lot of road rules when it was just road rules before they started crossing the streams. They got this thing called the challenge nowadays. Yeah, that's something beyond me. The world is moving too fast, my friends. Well, the fact that the good thing about old real world is like a third of the cast was always ugly as sin.

And you need some ugly people in there to mix it up a little bit. Ugly people don't exist anymore. They don't. It's been outlawed. I don't know, man. take a look down my street, you'll find them. Yeah, but they're not on the RAL world. Yeah, it's all like beautiful.

Everyone's a model of some kind. Exactly. I blame tech, dude. Look at podcasting. It's now just fucking models. Yeah, that's not us. Ever since we got in. Yeah, dude, we really fucked up the curve on that.

Yeah, so her whole thing is she's really hell bent on like, you know, sussing out what's going on here. But so we get this flashback. Yes. And it's, you know. I guess he was just out a night of partying with Marius is the idea and then he wakes up in a bed and like he's clearly been turned

he's like feeling his neck and whatnot so then like I don't know a good 20 minutes of this movie is just like Marius giving him like the vampire lessons he's like being taught how to suck off sailors well they're blood they're in the neck

the best one is when he Marty McFly's the violin on the beach this is insane because like this this woman is like on the beach at night playing violin very nicely and he walks up and he takes a violin they have out starts playing the fiddle with that shit he's really going to channel this and the whole thing your kids will love it guess you're just not ready for that yet oh no i'm vanishing from the picture that the future is oh no i'm a vampire i don't go in the picture that we're down in Louisiana down in new orleans way back up in new world

upon the evergreens, stood a long cabin made of earth in wood, leave the country boy in name of Johnny Begood. Vervealpah Mitzvah. Never ever learned to read a ride so well, but he could play guitar like he's ringing bell. And you guys try to keep up. That's a Dracula be good. That's insane that you were able to remember all that.

It's only because I've seen back to the future a thousand times. Yeah, the thing with the first. fucking fiddler player fiddle player is great the thing that it's one of those things like you see this time and time again in this movie missed opportunities to make things interesting because Lestat's whole thing right here is he's like being told by Marius like hey man now that you're a vampire uh you can't have any friends you can't have a social life and everything and Lestat's like well why not like I I can't just socialize with people like that's a real bummer so this is him being like see watch I can be social yeah and he fucking freaks out

on the violin and then like his eyes glow and the girl freaks out and start screaming and so then they have to fucking just lay waste to this father and daughter and maryus is like i told you look what happened i fucking told you look what happened was that god damn and now we have to we have to build a funeral pyre jesus christ it's my whole night now let's start yeah they do light these people up by the way he marius is like aggressively and annoyingly throwing shit like gasoline or whatever, you know, oil. Just what I wanted to do. Do the Darth Vader to two paupers.

Let's think, I mean, again, I haven't read the books, but like in this movie when like Lestad is trying to bed this lady and bed that lady, sure. Watching interview with the vampire and the first 20 minutes of this movie, he did not strike me as an old poon hound from way back. You know what I mean? It's just not, oh, that Lestad, dude.

Mothers lock up your daughters. There's Lestat is in town. You're saying they don't portray him like that in this movie? No, they do. Well, because now he's flirting with Jesse. He's trying to get her. But they make a point very early and I'm telling you he can't get hard.

Yeah. Because the two girls that he brings back stage are like touching all up on that. And he's like, no, no, that's a dude, let's climb on the wall. But that's,

he can't get an erection? Yeah, like he kind of like looks down and he's like, I think he wants. Oh, I totally miss that. I think he needs more blood, right? Because the erection is made from blood, right? Oh, sure.

Possibly. That's, right? Because it's all about blood flowing into your penis. And then it's like he needs to like suck some fresh blood so that could go right. Like the floodgates to the penis. That's the problem is that he sucks the blood and then he can't fuck corpses. Because then he's, I mean. But that's so dumb though because vampires are famous fuckers.

Yes. I think he's fucking. He fucks Alia. He definitely fucks Alia. So it must be the blood. I, you know, my, I, I will quote Norm MacDonald by saying the only criticism of interview with the vampire is not gay enough. Yeah, that movie should have got gay. Absolutely.

Of course. It's right there. And this, that's, it's just, it's odd for this character now to have a girlfriend. Yes. Where's the come from? Yeah, absolutely. Now that he's the lead. Are there any, like, there should be like gay vampire movies of some kinds.

There has to be. I mean, I think that the Paul Morrissey, Andy Warhol's drag. Is that count as a film? Of course it does. Yeah, when we were in Paris, we went to the Cinematheque and they had this awesome. You saw an Andy Warhol film? No, they weren't playing the movie, but they had a cool, because it was in October, they had a whole vampires in cinema and other pop culture exhibition that they were doing. And they had a little thing about Andy Warhol's Dracula.

I mean, it's always the subtext of a lot of this stuff. Yeah, it was mostly, though, Eric He'll have. They don't go for the throat. I googled, I'm sorry, I just Googled gay vampire movie. And your phone's got all sorts of cool results on it. The list from Google, number one is interview with a vampire.

Then it's something called vampire boys, which looks like softcore pornography. I mean, a lot of them probably are. The hunger. Could we stop this and watch? The hunger is a gay. Fright Night, I guess there might be something in there. In fright night?

Dracula's daughter, vampire lovers, the darkness. Or kissing darkness, which looks like another... You know, I was saying there's not enough of it. Or like a big crossover, like, it's a... Well, like, a big real movie that's a gay vampire movie. Well, this is what I'm saying, though. Like, because a couple of those titles you reeled off, I recognized.

Two women vampire movies are everywhere. Of course. You look at that fucking, what is his name? Jess Franco. Oh, yeah. That's a whole library of that. But I'm talking two dudes. Yeah, go for it.

Yeah, exactly. That's, yes, two dudes. Listeners point us to the films. Because that's a subtext here too. Marius is like, you will now be my companion. It's like, what? You just want a buddy? Like, no, Marius is looking to get something.

Go. Marius has needs, man. Marius is just like, so nothing? Man. So there's one day, it's like the morning after the whole beach bonfire that they had. And he wakes up.

They should at least eat them, right? Like just him to like chown down on a bone. That's the things. I don't know if like sometimes vampires eat, eat flesh and sometimes they don't. What? It's awake. Who's he? What vampire's eating flesh? In Dustal Dawn, they're like specifically like chowin on people.

Yeah, but they are bat people at the end of that movie. It's not even vampires. It depends on how far you get to the monstar end of things. Like I could see Nasratu eating some flesh maybe. But like the big thing. Well, that's just the other do with being a vampire, man. He's fucking in that count orlock castle. There's nothing going on out there.

But the legend is they, they vomit if they eat anything. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Why isn't that in this movie? Why don't I see vomiting? Because we're too busy talking about things like if you drink the last drop of blood out of a vampire, you die. Or I guess anybody actually because he almost, his whole thing, Lestat's whole thing is he's training is training, Lord. Well, no, you know, at the end of the movie, you're like, well, at least I saw those training scenes.

Well, yeah, because, you know, Marius is like, hey man, don't like finish this girl's entire blood system. Yeah. Because if you take the last drop, like you consume their esoterror. and die. That's why I never finish a whole person when I dream. And you think that's going to come back. Again, it doesn't really. It doesn't be in with Alia. He does that. But nobody

dies from drinking. Lena Olen dies. Well, she turns into a statue. I didn't. Did I see a cut version? No, you didn't. You were just high. That's possible. I was high too and just missed other parts. This movie is terrible. Not much happens. And it's

totally okay to miss large swarths of it. You're saying this because you fell asleep, didn't you? I was watching it, and there was a moment or two that I went to the other room and I was like, man, it's fun. Was there like a squirrel outside? Oh, look at that squirrel.

This movie is painful to walk. That dog has a puffy tail. You're puff. But yes, the next day, Marius is painting on the beach. And right at like dusk, which is a real eerie thing, you I realized.

And I think, Lestat's practicing his fiddle and then a wall opens in Maris's castle. He's playing pretty hardcore and he throws the bow accidentally and it goes under a table and he goes to move it and he sees like a little insignia tile like on the floor and like somehow knows exactly how to operate this thing. Pulls the thing up, turns it puts it back down. Secret passage opens. This is all his vampire memorabilia is back here. Yeah, totally.

stuff he wanted to keep away from O.J. And he goes down on this passion's way and it's getting more elaborate and more elaborate. I'm like, Marius, my God, the money. You know, O.J. might have been a vampire. Absolutely.

It would be really awesome if that dude lives forever. I mean, if so, he left a lot of blood there. I guess he panicked. Why don't they make another respectful Nicole Brown Simpson movie where maybe O.J. was a vampire. Dude, wait. If I did it, I was a

Empire. Chris Kevin, did you watch that movie? Why not? I'm not going to watch that movie. You watched that Pixar movie onward. Uh-huh. And your point?

You know what, Chris Kevin, you watched that Pixar movie Onward. Why didn't you watch the O.J. Simpson? You know that? I logged in the letter box. I was like, what the fuck is this? You've been waiting all day to talk to him about it. Yeah, I'm like.

Here I am trying to watch this Sharon Tate wasn't killed movie. Oh, well, that whole thing is like, what if she was hearing ghost or something? Yeah. Bonkers that that dude found a niche, whatever. Yeah, so going down this hallway and whatnot, what are you saying? Who do you think he's going to do next? That's a great question.

I mean, like, he got Sharon Tate. He's got the OJ Simpson murder. Yeah, what is so? The Phil Hartman's story? What if his wife didn't act alone? Funny you didn't notice this. He's doing a Pixar's new movie, Robert Blake Innocent. Fun cartoon.

Lynn's like him And he's just like a little purple creature I would want I would go to that Yeah I didn't shoot that Bonnie Blakely Now let's ride on this rainbow or whatever the fuck I ain't in jail call your house I'm gonna pick up the phone I'm calling Fun 1-1

It's all about me not hiring a hit man Oh fuck All right so he goes into this chamber There's a couple of statues around What is Aaliyah one of which is Aaliyah and he's like looking at this statue and he's like hey statue

would you like to hear a tune and he's like playing the violin at this thing and then he sees like the statue's hand kind of moves sort of like presenting the wrist sort of thing

it's like one of those street performers that you're like oh oh the living statue I thought that was a statue I'm spooked by those people every time and I just want to push him in front of a bus

whoa one of them might be the queen of the damned oh my god you might be the Joker oh shit I might be, dude. I don't know. We'll see what happens. I'd like to think I would be in a better movie.

You're twisted. Yeah. He bites the statue's wrist. And then like the vampire alarm in Marius, it's like, oh, fuck. And he kind of like runs into his house. Someone's in my vampire cave, where I also keep my ancient pornography. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery? I'm going to bite the pretty one.

I'm just going to start biting a statue. Yeah. I mean, he does. Brokels. Oh, no. My friends are broken. Now I've got to go to the Dracula Dentist. Oh, dude, Dracula Dentist.

That's a movie I'll watch. Oh, gay Dracula Dentist. Great movie. Absolutely. Marius. Can you help me with this? Do they grow back? Do they come back?

No, I didn't go to your statue room. What are you talking about? I would never go in your stash room. So as he does this, he starts seeing visions, which are just another bad new metal video. Sure. But it's all like the exploits of the character, Akashas, who Aaliyah plays. And you just kind of see like little snippets of her laughing and killing people.

You find out later that she is the first vampire. So vampirism, much like rock and roll, started with black people. Right. People just robbed it and just pretended it. Absolutely fucking Dracula swooped in. And he was like, look at this, Chuck Berry. He was like, you ain't nothing but the hog dog. Guy going to die.

Rock and roll and vampirism. a lot in common. Absolutely. So then, like, it's just a weird, like, Marius comes in and he's like, oh, Lusha. I'm not mad. I am disappointed. And then that's kind of like the end of the flashback. Yes, as far as I know.

She just wants, she, Jesse then goes, because it's Jesse's movies for some reason, goes to to the vampire club to talk to Lestat, big mistake on Jesse's part here. Jesse goes, it's called the Admiral's Arms, is the name of the club, and she's going, for some reason, dressed like it's Halloween, and she's going as Chun Lee from Street Fighter. Oh, excuse me, that's sneaker-pimp hair. Oh, that is what that's going on right, right, right, right, right. You just reminded me of something, it's because you said sneaker pimps, and I know it's not really the same kind of music at all, but same enough era that it made me think of this. yesterday walking home dude sitting on the bench

just like on the street and it's him he's got a big shopping cart and a little like kind of old looking chihuahua like sitting on his leg and from somewhere in the shopping cart he's got a speaker of some kind how bizarre starts playing

blaring the new radicals and I was just I was so babble and this dog is just sitting there listening to the new radicals This guy, like, I don't even know if he knew what was going on, but this guy's just singing, you get what you give dusting off, like, baby shit off cans to be collecting. Yeah, come on out, Merlin, man.

You'll kick your asses. And I'm looking around, and I wanted to be like, nobody else see this? There were people sitting all around this, like, a series of benches, like, in the neighborhood. No one seemed to care that this man was blaring the new radicals. That is the best part of that song, Steve, is when the lead singer threatens to fight, not only Marilyn Manson, but Hanson and... And Courtney Love.

Courtney Love. Yeah. Well, so in this movie, he would be like, Courtney, love Lestat, and Hanson. Come all out and kick your asses. Lestat would be such a big deal. Of course, yeah. He's like...

Oh, Eminem would be rapping about Lestat, too. Like, you ain't no vampire and so on and so forth, Eminem. Hi, I'm the singer from the New Radicals. We're here to open for you in Death Valley. Go! That is a distract. I am feuding with M&M. He made joke about me at MTV Movie Awards.

Necks sweaty. Mom Spaghetti. He keeps on talking about me abandoning my child I had with a woman that I am not married with. It's kind of putting me out a little bit. I'll be honest with you. Speaking of being abandoned. Christina Aguilera did not give head to me. Nor Carson Daly

And we did not argue about it Excuse me Isn't that a line in a M&M song? I don't know Something who she gave head to first Yes I don't know It might be there

It's in there There's two Eminem songs that I've heard Yeah Come on where are you in the 90s Listening to other stuff My name is That's the one And then the one from 8 Mile

You haven't heard Stan? What's that one? The one with the Dino interlude? You've heard this. You've definitely heard this song. Oh, Dido. Yes, of course. For years, I thought her name was Dildo. And it's

him as his best, his biggest fan, writing him a fuck you letter. And that's how the term Stan came about in the area. Oh, my. What's funny about that term, it's like you waited 10 years to make it? People listen to everyone. Well, dude, it was a total underground

term. You know, you just weren't cool enough. I was saying, though, the thing about abandonment, Lestat is chained down by Marius. He's like, I can't trust you. I can hear her blood in you as a line. Like, okay, movie. Look, mister, no Wi-Fi, no premium Snapchat.

No, uh, you're done, sir. When he wakes up, the whole house is moved out. Totally abandoned. I want to know what fucking movie company, moving company Marius was using. My God, cleared out an entire castle in a night. Here it is. This is from Slim Shady, the Hi, My Name is song.

Yeah. The lyric is shit. Christina Aguilera, better switch with switch me chairs. He can't even rap what he's reading it. So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst and hear him argue over who she gave head to first. That is. So in my joke, ladies gentlemen, our three of Steve's joke. If you clearly go to slide six.

And here we see the joke. has moved to the eastern front. It's going to be a dark winter for this joke. We're going to be like Vox and start putting out joke explainers. Videos and quick episodes explaining whole-appographics. I'm going to say, that's not a great lyric by Eminem. No, no, it's not. So he's saying that he was sitting in an auditorium

and he overheard the two of them talking about who got sucked off by Christina Aguilera first? Yes. I see. Is she a vampire? She might be a vampire. She does not appear to be aging, so it's entirely possible. Yeah, anyway, so now that flashback is over with.

So she's at the bar. She's at the bar. These vampires immediately come up to her like, hey, we want to kill you. And she's like, no, I'm with a vampire already. And they're like, who is he? You would know him. He's from Canada. She actually does kind of the wrong thing because she's like, oh, you may have heard of him.

Marius. It's like, you may as well have said fucking Dracula. What are you doing? And they're just like, oh, Mary Euse, yeah, of course we know him. He's dead. All the ancient vampires are dead. And she's like, no, they're not. That's what you think.

But Lestat is there and they try and kill her outside and there's a bit of a vampire fight here. Yeah, Lestat comes in and kind of kick some ass, which is like what I wanted this movie to be. Sure. But it doesn't do it enough. And when it does it, it is kind of disinterested in doing it. Yes. It just seems like we're going through the motions. It's very cut-happy.

Like, there's no, like, stream of action. There's only one cool, I mean, not cool, but like bloody vampire fight, and that's sort of the middle of the movie, the big concert battle. But that's it. Like, you know, I want to see some, like, real, like, ripping heads off and doing stuff. And, like, I mean, I feel like some of them, their Twilight movies have, like, grit to them than this.

I actually think probably, yeah, they are better movies in this movie. Yeah, no, I absolutely. Even, like, the worst Twilight movies. light movie is better than this. Absolutely. I'm not sure if we actually even see him like drinking those two fan girls that come like he just lands on them and then they cut. Yeah, they definitely do it. You don't want to show him being too unlikable, Chris. He's the hero of the movie. Oh, I see. Interesting. I mean, right? Is that that's probably part of it. I guess that's what they're going for? But what the fuck? Because like an interview with the vampire, he's the guy. He's a

fucking murderer. He's not the lead really, right? But he's like the fun dude on the side. But here's the thing, though, when you say to somebody, like, oh, yeah, remember that movie interview with a vampire? Right. Tom Cruise is the first one you think about. So, like, it's his movie. Like, I know, like, Brad Pitt's characters narrating it. And it's about, oh, how we came to meet the old crazy Lestat. Brad Pitt's the straight man.

Yeah. And everyone's like, whoa, when Lestat's not on the screen, everyone's asking where is Lestat? Right, right. And now you got Lestat. And now we're asking where is anything else. Well, because I got fucking Linnat instead, dude, this dude sucks. Jesus. Yeah, I'm sorry. What were you going to say, Kevin? You had some point.

No, fair enough. Do you want 20 minutes to explain that joke? I'll give it to you. It's only fair if I took 20 minutes to explain my joke. I think the fine folks at home got it just fine. Check our feet tomorrow for La Nat explains. The word not actually originates in Latin where the, I don't know. There's a weird line here where she's like, yeah, I dare you to fucking suck my blood or whatever. And he's like, your kind never. satisfies my thirst. What are we referencing there exactly? Great question. Girls with

bad sneaker-pimp haircuts? The Pepsi Challenge is what we're referencing. You're not a good vintage. You're not a good year. So he's like, I'll see you in Dead Valley and he disappears. And then the next sort of movement is now we're in L.A. We're in L.A. And at some point Marius comes to visit. Marius comes to visit while they're hanging around some like L.A. house that they've rented. And Stuart Townsend's in there right. specifically mentions the fact that it's three days before the big concert and I was like I'd love to be able to blow into a town three days

before we have to do a show and just chill like they're just chilling in LA for three days before they go down to Death Valley when you turn into a vampire who leads one of the greatest new metal bands to ever exist maybe you'll get to go in fair enough but also when he says three days would come on three days

like I was really looking at my watch I was like dude we got to get there quicker The other thing, though, is like, you're totally right. But why are they all living in this house like it's a clubhouse? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, can't they just have like a vampire hotel? They all have their own chalets and whatnot?

The Hotel Transylvania, you mean? Yes, absolutely. I think it's because they're on the real world. I think that's what I was thinking of the real world when I was thinking about this clubhouse situation. At least, we're all just like getting real. Oh, no, you missed your shift at the skate shop. Honestly, I let Jesse sleep in my bed once, and she gets very clinging afterwards.

I don't understand it. I think in Boston they had like a more serious job. Oh, blood bank? Blood blank. Weren't they working for some like social service thing or something? That makes sense. It would be funny if they were firefighters. They were evicting people.

Well, I remember Genesis. Uh-huh. Yeah, she was there. That's all I remember. of that cast Anywho Yeah, so Marius comes to this building

To see him And it's like, oh Marius, you're alive Well, that's interesting You ditched me 200 years ago One of the worst lines in this movie Here it comes Vampires don't settle scores

We harbor them And I'm like, wait, what? Oh, I thought you were gonna talk about how he was like Marius is sort of like criticizing his band Like Lestat's band or whatever And he's like, oh, you missed a lot

huh or something? He says to him here's what it is like oh how did you get he's criticizing him for still wearing like olden times clothes and he's like

how did you get through the 50s wearing that how the fuck do you know you've been asleep for a hundred years what do you know about the 50s you look kind of like a pirate there is one point oh no

it's not in this movie it's in one of the TNGs we're about to talk about on the March Nexus where Picard is indeed wearing a puffy shirt yes that's what I'm I'm thinking about it. Anywho.

But no, there's another line, though, where they're talking about, like, oh, you didn't miss much, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, one of them says, like, Elvis? Yeah, Elvis. I don't know what Elvis is doing in this movie, like, in that, like, throwaway line. It's one of those, like, everybody from the, you know, me, the 18-year-old kid in the audience seeing a movie with a lady friend, all the way up to your grandpa, who might go as the queen of the damned, we'll get this music reference. Are they applying that Elvis was a vampire, though? I don't think so, because he says, like... He had a lot of blood at the end.

He goes, I need 12 virgins to go to sleep. A couple of blood sandwiches. Jesus, did I eat beats? I sincerely hope I ate beef. Ergo. No, he says that you didn't miss much. Oh, right. And then he responds, Elvis.

Elvis. Yeah. Okay. So Elvis was, you were asleep for a hundred years and fucking Elvis was the greatest thing

you missed. Sure. Okay. I've also. This new metal vampires talk about Elvis. That's fine. I've also liked

that Tiny Tim. I think he's a beautiful musician. When he talks about going tip throwing to the tulips. One of these fuckers in Lina Olin's

gang looks like Tiny Tim a little bit later. Yes. Tall Tim. Yep. That dude definitely looks like Tiny Tim. they're like hanging out on one of his signs

and looking out of the canyon there and it's like you've got to cancel the concert and he's like never and it's like okay and it's I still don't understand what the real motivation is for doing this the lyrics the secrets he's letting out are you pissed on my heart

and shit like it's Jonathan Davis lyrics I don't there's a lot of secrets in corn lyrics but I mean these lyrics that he's singing though to what Chris is saying like don't exactly match up to a bunch of vampires would be pissed off about this information. I agree

with the vampires being pissed off. I think Lestat's motivation is to get the Queen of the Dam's attention because he played the music before He wants to be the King of the Dam. Yeah. I mean that's... I think that that's kind of what he's trying to do here. But then get that fucking fiddle out. What are you doing with this new metal shit?

But that works even more. She gets super horny for it because she goes to the club at this point. Oh, right. It's like her first big scene. Right, right. 51 minutes in the movie, by the way. Jesus Christ. And they gave her maybe because she was supposed to be the Queen of the Damned.

The vampire teeth are way too big and she cannot talk in this movie. It's a real. I want to know what the stat is doing. I read some. Where is the stat? Look, it's a Leo. The one thing we don't want to highlight is her voice. I read a lot of it was ADR.

Oh, right. Her brother did after the fact. And then they adjusted it to make it sound more. feminine or something? Yeah, I guess her brother sort of sounded like her. I don't really know. It was to me.

Yeah, but either way, I mean, if that is her, you can't hear it. And if it's not, it's ridiculous that they did ADR and I'm picturing this poor dude grieving over his dead sister wearing fucking vampire teeth

in the recording studio. Like, come on. She might as well had a silent role. I mean, it's not like there's anything. Yeah, yeah. It would have been kind of cooler if that was the case. Yeah, because she does have great screen presence.

Also, how about she does a song instead of Jonathan Davis for the San Joachian? No, no. This scene is kind of awesome, though, because this dude rolls up to her, this other vampire, and he's like, oh, yeah, lady vampire. And she fucking rips his heart out and just starts eating it in front of people. Pretty badass. And then she's just like waving her hands, and these people are catching on fire. It's a new power for the queen of the dams. It's a confusing scene, but it's the best one.

Yes. Yeah, totally. She just starts laying waste to all of these people in the admirals. At first, I was like, oh, is the guy's heart she ate, like the head vampire of all these guys? And that's why they're going on fire? No, it's just a hand. The hand stuff means the fire.

He's the cocaine dealer vampire. He's the head of the whole clan. But the whole, any kind of momentum that this movie gains by having this awesome scene, awesome scene where she's killing all these people is instantly snuffed out by the horrendous CGI shot of her walking through the fire. She sets the whole bar on fire

and then walks out the front door and it's just like Aaliyah's video game character. Don't undersell those imulations either. Those fucking people going like and it's just like okay this section's on fire then this section's on fire. Then this section's on fire. I mean I think they wanted it because

Blade did that really well when whenever the vampires would die in Blade they would like burn up a little bit so they're trying to get some get in that blade that was a big movie it was a big because I wish I was watching Blade

was Blade 2 the same year as this movie possibly or was it the year before what year is this? This is 2002 maybe 2003 yeah that's Blade 2 2003 I want to say

got to look it up he'll get it alright because I thought that first one was in the 90s it was 99 99 okay I don't know I mean 2002 you're right there Oh, there I go.

Because I remembered it was in the theaters when we were working at the multiplex. You know what that movie has? Wesley Snipes. He's wonderful to look at. What month did Blade 2 come out in? Because this movie came out in February. I'm sure it's later in the year than night. Sorry.

That's all right. That's all right. Steve, we'll continue when you get it. Let us know. I will. Also, there were people trying to kill vampires that weren't vampires. Or it was like half vampires. March 31st.

You had two vampire movies back to back? That's crazy. This movie actually did pretty okay at the box office. Yeah, it made a little bit of money. Well, I feel like part of that is you had ghoulish curiosity of foot. You know what I mean? Yeah, and also they put... Yeah, the ghosts given blow jobs in that movie?

Two tickets, please. Oh, what happened to her? Oh, my God. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so... Oh, Jesus. I shouldn't have said anything. I mean, I was looking forward to the blow job,

but I'm sorry Mrs. Alia's family. Oh, Dan Aykroyd just going to Celebrity Funerals? Yeah, I mean, I was here searching for Ghost Blow Jobs, but I'm sorry to hear about you. Your mother, your father, both and, oh,

and your daughter. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, it's part of my new A&E reality show, Dan Aykroyd. Ghost Flood Job Hunter? Ghost Job Hunter. There you go. I just thought it was so funny. I had to laugh before I said it like a total jerk.

But this is the romantic scene. Dude, straight out of Superman 78. It is. It's the can you read my mind bit. Which I think is the weakest part of that movie. I don't care for that song. But it's still pretty cool. And the second it was happening, I was like,

I don't remember this at all. I can't believe I didn't remember this fucking Superman knock on. where Jesse shows up pretending to be a groupie Oh the poor other woman By the way And then she meets the manager He's like

You smell like Jonathan Davis Is Jonathan Davis here? Oh I forgot of course There he doesn't show his face To the camera Yeah He like keeps his back to it The whole but you can hear there

Hey Hey Mende Mbley kind of Oh you want a ticket You're a ticket You fucking 100% See his face

Yeah But isn't it only from the side, like he, oh, for the first like minute of him being on screen, his back is due to the fucking camera. I mean, maybe you don't get a full on, but you can, you can clearly see that it's Jonathan Davis because she walks past him, like,

into the club. He's like, hey, you need tickets when I'm acting. And then she's like, no, you're weird. And she goes into the club, but the camera stays outside. Oh, right. And he's just like, hey, how many some tickets are, I don't know, well, I'm in a movie. And he, it's like an extra 25 seconds.

And I'm like, cut, cut, please cut, cut, cut to the next thing. Please follow the actual character of the film. It's just him in a fucking track suit trying to scalp ticket. You know, I made the music for this movie. No, no, you're not supposed to say that, John. In character, a character, that's what you are.

Yeah, they're legally barring me from singing on the soundtrack. John Nathan, listen to me. You can't be yourself. You see that to start Townsend guy? He's going to sing my songs. Jonathan. So, yeah, he's like, oh it's you you want to be vampire a and they like fly through the los angeles cities cave

dude and there's some horrid shit where he's like uh he's like oh yeah well this is probably going to hurt you uh i'm no longer attached to my body and i was like but they're just flying what yeah what are you talking about do they wind up at the griffith observatory they go they fly up to the griffith observatory i was uh i was in the other room at this point. Me to sleep on your couch. So she will she, this is where she's like, oh yeah, I can be a fucking bad girl. I can be whatever you want me to be.

And she starts like cutting her tit. Yeah. And you're like, what? Like she's like ripping her chest open with like a little pin. Yeah. And he's like not having it. And he kind of like pushes her away. And then he's like, you want to be vampire.

This is what vampire is. And he, there's this other vampire in. the area about to move in on this lady and then Lestat and the other guy runs away. Oh, fuck. It's like two cats going out of it after a piece of fucking shrimp.

Do you think that that dude knew that it was Lestat or he's like, oh, oh, someone hissed at me, better run. I think either if he, if it wasn't Lestat, he would have tried to fight at least for his meal.

So you're saying he like recognized him? Yeah. He's like the most famous guy in the world. Oh, he hasn't come out at this point. Yeah, you're right. it is funny though so you just know some from the music yeah like so if you

Eric if you're at you're at a convenience store and there's one Diet Coke left in the in the fridge and you're about to grab it and then Jonathan Davis is also going for that Diet Coke after you Jonathan Davis

I would hiss at Jonathan David yeah exactly I think I could take him I would hiss at him like an angry horny cat and I would take that Diet Coke that's my diet Coke that's my diet Coke that's my diet Coke that's that is a two titan fight is trump versus davis that's that is a fucking legit monster movie why are we doing these godzillas and king Kong

i feel like the secret service would take davis out because that diet coke is keeping the country running yes all of this is transpiring in the fucking alcove out of wendy's by yes of course you're gonna have to take the zero loser take the L so he fucking totally chomps down on this lady kills you dead and he's like see are you cool at that and I was like oh again here's another cool idea like a vampire hanging with a human

I kind of just want I guess like the Jim Jarmishman you just want only lovers left a lot you know where it's like we're hanging out like let's see if we can coexist like just listen to some cool records let's get some walk around old guitars together yeah walk around burned out Detroit like fuck it you know i want that from because the movie keeps almost doing it like they almost just

like become buds and like hang out i'm like that's a cool turn for this but he's like see see what we do and then that's it we go to the death valley concert right after and this we uh know it's i don't know is is it here's my question because we go to the death valley concerts is death valley we got a title card for no reason and and you're oh wow and yeah how long the sickness is playing is disturbed opening for them or is that like AA music that's drowning pool isn't it no no it's it's definitely a disturbed that's disturbed okay stee drowning pools let the bodies hit the yes okay this is excellent that you're asking that question because i had the same exact question and i think the answer is yes they are what they're opening they're opening for the vampire list

i think so yeah because when they're you're getting all these aerial shots of like this massive congregation of people in the desert all these fucking skulls Cumbags. You're on scumbag watch here with some of these folks anyway. But you can see at one point, like they show the stage and there's people on there like playing. It's a suit. It's like a copter shot. Right. So you can't make out who's doing what.

Clearly the album version. Yes. You don't see Disturb. You just hear the song. The people on the stage could be just Renfield the roadie. I'm saying it looked like they were like playing. This is kind of like cinema's greatest mystery. Is it like Art Disturb actually playing?

or is this just like the music that dirtbags listen to when they drive to the desert? Like is it, yeah, that question, was there a ghost and three men and a baby? Huge cinematic mystery. Gave Dan Aykroy to blow, yeah. I think there's a vampire DJ and this is between set music. Oh, sure. I will say this Death Valley, you're talking about some of the extra. My favorite piece of trivia of this film was this movie was filmed in Australia because that's just where everything happens.

And they gathered 3,000 goths to be the extras for this movie. They went to goth clubs and they went on the internet. I am very excited that Australia could be 3,000 goth strong. That's pretty surprising. It's great. Like legit goths, not just like weirdos dressed up like guys. All right. Hello, thank you.

Sorry to bother the pub. Excuse me. Are there any goths in the pub right now? Are there any gotts at all? Any gotts? Anyone making a movie about vampires? Finish the Saints? Sushi ander.

Sushi ander. All right. Anyone who said Benchie, get the van. All right. Oh, there's an anime convention and we're going to hit that up. We'll find not many, but we'll get at least like a handful of gotts

at the anime convention. That's not a bat. Now, that's a bat. My Australian accent's awful. All of ours are. What? is the deal with this Paul Hogan movie coming out. Wait, what?

No, you don't know about this? I do know about this. Mr. Dundee. Is this like a documentary because he's dead now? No, he's still alive and he's in this movie. And it's Crocodile Dun Dunns? That's what I don't know. I think it's playing Dun Duns himself.

Fucking one famous Australian died in every time, Paul Hogan is dead. Wait, who died? Steve Irwin. Oh, who cares? I care. Steve Irwin, are you a goth by any chains? Is he a son a goth?

Now, but I once Ristled a crocodile that was a gawk. Yeah, you're not for us. Thank you, Steve Irwin. Danak, we're here to do a seance. Steve Irwin, are you interested? Okay. I know, he's got my cock at a death roll.

Yang, yang, yang, yang. Okay, then. Bella Lagosi is what? Bella Lagosi is what? Dad. Here it is. So check this out. It's called the very excellent Mr. Dundee.

Okay. 2020. Synopsis. Crackle original. Cackerel Dundee is now a Chauncey Gardner-esque figure. It says Paul Hogan is reluctantly thrust back into the spotlight as he desperately attempts to restore his sullied reputation. Hold on a second.

On the eve of being knighted. Are you saying, wait, so this is about Paul. Hogan, not the character Crackadel Dundee. That's correct. This is going to be an abominational. I think it's a thing where it's like, it comes on April in Australia. I think it's a thing where it's like,

20 minutes long. It's a super self-referential. Like, I'm quote unquote, Paul Hogan and I did Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles and it was an embarrass man, whatever. This is a bigger one. Get Helen Maren back as the queen. Let's do it again. You got

Luke Hemsworth. Oh, jeez. He was eaten in the background, walking to his square. Is this actually going to be that weird Australia commercial that fucking came up for the Super Bowl the other year? Probably closing to JCVD a little bit. I think it's more of that. But, I mean, look at this, though. I guarantee you it doesn't have the production that J.C.V.D.

Of course not, because you know what J.C.V.D. didn't have Chevy Chase? Oh, no. Wayne Knight? No. These people are all in, like, Skype or something. Yeah. Olivia Newton, John. Okay.

John Cleese. Oh, you can get him to do anything. Here, this is the best one, and he made the poster, and I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it. Reginald Vald Johnson. Wow. Playing Reggie. Because I think he's in the first one, if I'm not mistaken.

Oh, is he in Crockettledon Day? Maybe I made that up. You know, I don't know. Call me when Yahoo Sirius does something again. Because that guy was the superior Australian, not even joking. Young to Einstein. Young Einstein is an underrated cult classic. Okay, so you're going to have to leave you're a little too rockabilly, the haircut.

You've got the duck's ass going on. No, no, no. And I know we need 3,000 Goths. We need Australian, not Australian. Anyway, really long detour about that movie. Sure. I just saw something for it. the other day and I was like what the fuck

I'd rather talk about literally anything but this is kind of sort of the best part so they're yeah it's their rock concert they come out where listen to Jonathan Davis is awesome vocal so good flies down he flies down the place goes that how cool is that it's pretty cool dude

that's why they're going abet shit saw a guy fly that's enough all the flying is the greatest American hero like that that that that that You're totally right. All right, Garth, when you see Stuart Townsend, you're going to act like it's a ministry show. Act like it's a ministry show.

Lose your minds. He sings a whole song. Oh, he sure does. We're eating up the clock. You've got to be kidding me. You get a sizable portion of a second song. Absolutely. That's all the family.

at the concert that are there to assassinate him. All right, no, no, let him finish. He's got one song. We'll give him one song. Just one song. All right, half of a second. Okay, that one was pretty rocking. Okay, so we're going to stick for a second one.

If this one rocks, we wait for the third one. That would have been awesome, dude, if he fucking turned to their opinion on him with his awesome music. I don't know. We've got to let him go. He's great. Or he, like, goes under the stage and it escapes like the Blues Brothers. He's being chased by a bunch of vampire cars. It would be interesting.

Dude, that'd be awesome, dude. Vampire pile up? Yeah, totally. Exactly. And then, like, all the vampires are crawling out to suck up the blood of all the pedestrians that got hit and whatever. We're in a truck, and a vampire is biting my neck. You know, I was going to kill him the last time, but that last song, Love Crud.

I mean, it was just, it was amazing. Okay, we're going to wait till the encore, and then we're going to make our move. He's got to come out for an encore. Oh, my God. He's doing all day. I dream of sex. Shit, all right, we'll get him in the parking lot, okay? We will get him in the parking lot.

So these vampires started attacking them. Yes, they're all dressed at the Grim Reaper for some reason. They're there to reap some souls, dude. Good head cut off like that, nice decapitation. That was shabby. Kind of the coolest part of the movie. And the weird thing is like the crowd doesn't clear out. They think it's part of the act.

Got it. They're into it, dude. They think it's all a big stage show This is supposed to be an afflated devil Yeah, it's just kind of like a big melee Marius comes out Now they're like the Bash Brothers back to back And like fucking it fucking them all up

Kind of thing And then fucking and fighting just like the old days And then the Queen of the Dam shows up And she like She rises from the center of the stage Like the fucking penguin in Batman return. I wasn't invited, so I

crash. It'd be cool if she had like dialogues. That would be awesome. Or agency. She kind of like explode, like the stage explodes and she like flies out of it. This all, like, and this whole thing is happening on a large metal platform.

It's all very professional wrestling. Yes, it is. Whenever the fights had to get going before we even got to the ring. I was really thrilled when Alia got off the turn style. By God, Alia off the top turnbuckle. Marius, it's Marius.

That's Marius' music, my God. La Statt is dead. I repeat, Lestat is dead. That's Beethoven's symphony. That's Marius's music. Oh, he can't turn around, Lestat. There's a cross behind you. Turn around, Lestat.

You got, oh, he's not going to turn around. My God, Foley just put a handful of garlic in Lestat's mouth. Oh, his face is melting. That just ain't right. Oh, my God, the sound of a string being plucked. That's Dracula's music. That's Dracula's music. Isn't it crazy how, like, Lestat's just trying to play this concert?

Yeah. And all these vampires are making a concertated effort to take him there. Oh, fuck, that sucks. Do it again. No, just go, go too. Sucks blood. That's how good it is. It sucks blood.

the end of the sequence is she takes him in her arms and they fly up into the sky. Sure. And then this is what we get to the bathtub scene. We get down to some fucking right here. She's like, did you ever see American beauty? Yeah. Would you like to do that together? Let's American beauty each other.

I am going to cry over my Nazi place. Yeah, Stuart Townsend just takes out some memorabilia. Kevin Spacey, he's one of ours. Hello America, don't you wish I was a vampire So you can still watch my movies And so Jesse wakes up And she's back in this creepy doll room That we saw in one of her flashbacks

Which means she's back with Lena Olin And Lena Olin just explains that like At some point She had a family and she was turned into a vampire So she's made it her life's work To oversee and protect the rest of her family tree as the decades have gone by and whatnot, which again is like kind of an interesting thing,

but it is too little too late for this movie. I mean, start with that or something. She should be like the main character. Who needs this Jesse? Or make, you know, that's, Jesse's thing is like, oh, I'm this like outcast vampire or something and I watch over my family. Or like Alia plays two characters.

Like she's like a normal woman for most of it and then is going to be taken over by the shock. It's much more interesting. Oh, that would be fucking cool, too. So the last thing is like, now we get the Deftone song, La Statte drinks her blood, becomes her sort of minion for a little while,

and she's like, pretty much. You know why he did that, Steve? Because he watched her change. Oh, in you. Into a crowd. Oh, I thought you meant like in the boudoir. No, it's a Deftone. Oh, really? It's not a tone defts.

No, Jesus. Dude, it keeps getting worse over there. You are just going for it tonight. I'm drowning tonight. I don't know what to say. Whatever. So, like, the last bit of it is they're all, all the good vampires

are in a fucking house together and the bad vampires are going to get them, right? Am I wrong? No, that's pretty much, pretty much the thing. So they show up, and the good vampires are like, all right, we're going to drain her blood. That's going to kill her.

And the last one who does, it's going to die. And it sounds like a pack. Yeah, they have a little bit of a vampire-killing tauntine. And then Lestat comes out, it's going to be the king of the dam. And he's wearing Janko jeans, it looks like, he's a very loose guys. I guess they're supposed to be Egyptian-esque. Yeah, it's a little like, he'd be like, I'm a little uncomfortable.

I understand we're in a relationship now. I want to be there for you. I'm a little uncomfortable in these pants walking around. It seems like weird. And the bangles on the arm. Usual leather pants. He's got some tight-ass leather pants doing most of this movie.

He's wearing a shimmer shirt that shows his nipples. Oh, is that right? I don't know if I should wear that for one of our shows coming up. Definitely should. Yeah, when you got it flaunted. Yeah, I think people want to see my nipples.

People should see the nipples. I think Eric should be the leather pants one though. I'm already wearing them right now. I've seen Steve's nipples. Dude, they are pretty choice. Both of them. No, left one's not what it used to be.

So, you know, we are on tour. this June, so maybe for the meet and greed in 2020. Shimmer shirt? Should you free the nipple, dude? Okay. All right, well, what should happen? Free the shirt. Just a normal shirt, just cut out a circle right with the nipple. Like little eyes.

It's a green lantern t-shirt with one nipple exposed. And then the t-shirt explains that your nipples are eyes. Green lantern's light indeed. You need exposed nipples to see. If you can get the t-shirt where it could be right where his ring is. Oh, that works. Do you have a ring? No.

No, the green lantern has a ring. On his nipple? Yes. It's got his tins. I can make a nipple. That was only the, it was only the John Stewart. Yeah, so definitely, dude.

Not the Daily Show. There's a, there's a green lantern who went by John Stewart. I'm shocked. You knew that, my friend. His nipples pierced, yeah. You been hanging out with me

for long enough, I guess. Some just got to rub off, man. So they show up. They're all sucking her dry. Yeah, well, it's like, oh, she goes, Lestat, you must kill Jesse. for some reason.

And he's like, okay. Yeah. And he almost does, but then he's like, I'm going to, and it's like, oh my God, let's that turn on Akasha. Let's that turn on La Kasha. Let's not hit Lakasha with a chair. Oh my God, Akasha is down.

Yeah, they all start, like, sucking on her and everything. And then, like, he's about to do it. He's going to lay the death drop and take that last drop away. And Lena Olin's like, uh-uh. Like, for some reason, it's got to be me. Sure, yeah, I'm a character. Hey, everybody. I'm a character.

You remember that? Now I'm going to do it. Well, she doesn't want to deprive the world of his music. You know what I mean? He's got millions of albums yet to drop. Oh, my God. Is that a 10th century harpsichord? That's Lena Olin's music.

That's Lena Olen's music. There is like, so the gang of people, and Akasha is like, you know, killing them left or right. There is like the hilarious, like, old hippie vampire guy. That guy's like cooking up. there's some like South Asian woman she fucking bites it instantly

the blonde guy's about to burn but I guess she's like losing her power and he doesn't and it's like oh she's weakening kind of a thing but I thought that was a thing where like he was about to turn on them because he doesn't he run at them and Lestat

somebody like pushes that guy out of the way yeah I was confused I don't know I thought that guy was crooked is badly directed I mean you guys were doing all the wrestling stuff those matches are more interesting than any they're well choreographed at Lee And there's much better blocking and wrestling matches.

So, yeah, Lina Olin does it or whatever. And both her and Aaliyah turn into statues again. Well, she turns into like a weird black like ash statue and then turns to dust. Oh, Alia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Lina Olin's just stuck like as a statue. And they're like, oh, she's sleeping, which is kind of like what you say when like you want to put like a kid's toy that you lost. It's like, oh, it's sleeping.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, totally. No, you'll get it tomorrow. It's asleep. Now where the fuck did I? Put that. Where the fuck did I put it? It's sleeping over at Uncle Jim's house. Exactly.

Or like you're my grandfather attending a Russian Orthodox funeral in where they have a chanting part where it goes, you know, so-and-so has gone to sleeve. Oh, yeah. And they say it repeatedly. And my Irish grandfather sitting in the audience leans over to my mother and loudly whispers, and I don't think he's waking up. Killer joke at this funeral, dude. Yeah, totally.

Hey, honey, do you want a nip? I think the thing was he never really knew the person but was there because it was like someone else that he was related to. And he had a killer jokes he had to go for it. He absolutely. Well, he, you know, my grandfather, God bless him, never mastered the stage whisper.

You're not going to get any head that way. I'll tell you that much. First of all, he was a lovely man and I hope he's here today. And if he wants to suck me off during this eulogy, you might as well. I'm right here. Get going.

I didn't like him in the real world, but maybe in the next world. Yeah, so the Queen of the Damned has been vanquished. Lena Olin's a statue and the day is saved. Stuart Townsend turns Jesse into a vampire. Of course. To save her because she was just at the cusp of death. Right.

Like Aaliyah tells him to like kill her to prove his loyalty right before he turns on her. Yeah. And he just like bites her chest. Yeah. He's like sucking on her breast for a little while. Yeah. That's like where he- Sucking on her.

my titty's like you're wanting me calling me all the time. Socking on my titties like you want to be calling me. What else is in the teachers of beaches? Ha, what? Ha, what? Does anybody out there remember that tune? Holy shit. We're bringing out all the greatest hits tonight.

Yeah, so. And the end of the movie is like, let's go fucking, let's go rub it in Paul McCann's face. I'm like, Paul McGinn was not in this fucking movie, you guys. No, and he should not get this like little bookend here where they're like Hey, Lestat's like, hey man, you enjoyed reading my diary. Well, here it is, back

to you. And this dude's like hugging it. Yeah. Like a weirdo. She offers, Jesse offers to turn him and he's like, no, I'm too old to live forever. She offers him a threesome. That's what this is. It's exactly absolutely. Absolutely. You want to come back to the place and just kind of hang out. If vampires offer a threesome, you take

it. Any time. Who cares about your soul. Who cares about if you're going to die or become a vampire? You'll figure that out in the morning. It's probably the best sex of your life for sure. Sexy vampire has to be. But I'm not sure if the stock gave her all the powers. I think of main powers that she now has to have eyeliner and mascara on for the rest

of her life. Even when she's sleeping. That's the thing is the movie very purposely has this actor in no makeup whatsoever. And then when she's a vampire, it's like, because they're so sexy naturally right? Vampires. They just She didn't have to put any of that on

No, it just naturally came out It's auto-generated, yeah She's like, why don't you come back to our place We'll watch a movie And he's like, no, I'm good, I'm good She's like, why don't you come up for coffee? He's like, no, coffee keeps me up. Fuck, I couldn't have a vampire threesome

Who's drinking coffee at 10 o'clock at night? Oh, but he's visited by, what's that other? Mario is coming in for the fucking kill, dude. Mario, Mario comes in. My favorite line is going to plow town, for sure. So I guess the idea is this David guy is going to be turned after. But what's, here's, all right, here's my question about this, because it's only one of two things in either weird choices for the movie.

But like, so Jesse and Lestat walk out of David's building and they're like, ha, ha, ha, we're vampires in love and kind of like walk off. And like that walk off sucks, by the way, because it's like slow motion, everyone's going by fast. It's awful. Like a David Gray, like music video. Yeah, like a bunch of people rushing by them. But so they walk out and like they hang a right. And then Marius, like, immediately walks, like, behind them up the stairs. So it's like one of two things.

One, they walked out. They did not notice this dude standing right there in the street, which is embarrassing. You're a fucking vampire. He doesn't have a cloaking device. Like, what are you doing? Or they're in on it. And they're like, well, he didn't want in on that fucking vamp threeway. So he's all yours, Maryuse, get in there.

I guess so because, like, in the middle of the movie, meet each other and he's like, oh, Marius. He's like, hello, David. And it's like, all right. That's my favorite lie. When they're in the middle, it's in the middle of the concert. And there's all these people, like fucking levels of people between them. And he's like, Marius just looks at David.

He's like, yes, David, I must show you my new paintings. Yeah. Do you want to come up and watch a cool movie, David? Watch a cool movie and drink some coffee. I have a nice leather chair you could sit in. And then, guaranteed, because this. movie is terrible and I I mean find a good

movie where this happened maybe they're out there I don't know it seems to only happen with bad movies like this cut to in memory of Aaliyah yeah I mean you have to she died I know but has there ever been like a truly excellent film that was dedicated to somebody that's what they should have just said we're sorry

Alea that would communicate everything right there Rambo 3 the get dedicated to the brave Mujah Hadid Fighters I will say there were two movies that came out in the last few years that were good

movies dedicated to someone who didn't have anything to really do with the movie though because it's always somewhat affiliated with the movie but both the film the documentary Carmine Street guitars and PTA's phantom thread

both dedicated to Jonathan Demi but JD didn't have anything to do with those movies wasn't the dark night have a Heath Ledger thing at the end of my making that up has a Heath Ledger, and then it also has a stunt man who died. So, okay, I guess Dark Night is one. Ghostbusters is dedicated to the woman that gave Dan Akron a blowjob? Yes, okay, so that's two.

In memory of Olivia Johnson, 1934 to 1986. Her name was Olivia and he put the Johnson in it. Ray Stanz, we found out that ghost is 13. you're going away for a long time. She died of consumption in the 17th century. And now she's consumpted something else. What about you're talking about? She's 200 years old.

He's the consent. It was rigged. It was rigged. Dr. Raymond Stans. Have a seat. So is he going to human jail or ghost jail? I'm a confused. He's being put in the containment unit back in headquarters.

He's in heaven, right? Or wait, he put that in there. I think there's arbitration about where it goes. No, he put them in there, dude. It's like when a cop goes to prison. Right, exactly. So suddenly he's the one, okay, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is Queen of the Damned. Would anybody recommend this movie? No, just no. It's almost a, if you have a fondness, I think, for New Metal, if you grew up over that era, it's kind of a seeing as believing because some of these dulcet tones took me back to my youth. Sure.

But it's just a piece of trash. absolutely not and you know what a straight list at the vampire get the fuck out of here yeah I mean this might be one of the worst movies I saw for this podcast I maybe that seems like an exaggeration but I just couldn't stand a lick of this and if you actually like new metal I would say subscribe to our Patreon this September

where we're going to do a little new metal podcast on there and don't watch this don't ever go back to this and I hope it is scrubbed from human existence A race from existence. It's got like no pulse to it. Like it's just like vampires themselves, dude. How about that?

And like if you want a new metal fix, A, just listen to the Deftones because they're good. Shut up, everybody. I wasn't saying shit. Chris Cabin, people online are defending you and your great music taste. Deftones.

Slipknot. Which other? What's the third one you love? Slipknot. I don't know why I'm getting slathered with this brush. The system of the down's okay. System of the down's good. Okay.

Not bad. Which, uh, corn? Corns? I mean, I don't like them now, but there was a time in my life. I was obsessed with them. I've seen you in corn t-shirts. Yeah, yeah. No, oh, no, I don't, I don't, I don't read a corn t-shirt.

No, you did it? I had a Deftone's t-shirt. Who do we know how to follow the leader t-shirt? Anyway, I would say skip it. I mean, if you want a new metal movie, Dracula, again, Dracula 2000. It's right there. Crowd, uh, the second Crow movie has corn and deaf tones on the soundtrack, go right ahead. The one with Jet Lee.

Yes. It's kind of a fun movie. The Romeo must die one? episode and also no no no it's called the one oh the one yes you know with um no i thought he's recommending vampire movies with new metal also in them yeah oh specifically vampire movies well if you think about it

the one starring jet lee is kind of a vampire movie because he has to consolidate devouring souls and stuff sort of yeah he's eating souls in that movie right thing hashtag big balls yes uh i would not recommend this movie I was pretty embarrassed by this fact that I thought this movie I didn't think it was a good movie

I thought it was better than it actually is which is still embarrassing as far as I'm concerned I feel like a total disgrace this evening having once considered this movie maybe like a solid two and a half star film definitely not way worse than that yeah and as you know

the other thing is it's not like there is a shortage of vampire motion pictures yeah that's a really good point there's so much stuff out there And so just randomly watch the fucking Herzog Nosferratu. There you go. There's a great one. Watch interview of the vampire. The movie rules.

Or sure, yeah. Go back to the source. Watch Tom Cruise actually play Lestad. Yeah. I might actually do that. I've kind of been like circling the drain. Like maybe going to rewatch that movie for the past few years. Isn't it kind of long? It is. It's probably too in change. Yeah, a little bit of investment.

Yeah, like Lestat goes away and then Antonio Banderas moves in. Yeah. And it's like another movie for a while. Not too bad. No, not a bad. then it's the only real evil left. That is Queen of the Dam from 2002, directed by Michael, what is it?

Rimer. Rimer, fucking auto-correct. Directed by Michael Rimer. If you want more, we hate movies, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. We're right now on our bonus feed at the $5 level. You have a We Love Movies,

listener requested episode on Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We had a lot of fun on that one. All this month, it's all listener-requested up and down the board, gang, so you got listener-requested. Nexus. Listener requested Gleep Glossary. Yes, Nisa

the EWalk Princess. That one gets quite dirty and off the rails. You got the gummy bears on the animation damnation feed. That was requested. And things that weren't requested, we're doing anyway and fuck you anyway,

is we are, we're releasing a singable commentary, the Justice League. Yep. We just recorded that super fun. And we're recapping the end of this Picard show, the first season of Picard weekly on making it so on the nexus. That's right, gang, so patreon.com slash

we hate movies for all that exclusive content. Now, Steve Sadek, I believe we are still continuing with Listen to Request Month the next week. We're finishing it. The last one. There's one stop left, you guys. Because we are going to watch The Commuter. Man,

I never thought I'd be rewatching this movie, but here we are. There's one movie left. Yeah, please lower me to fucking lava. I remember I was drunk when I watched this movie and I had a blast in the theater. I was like howling. Nice.

Good for you. You deserve it. Thank you. So until next week, when we see what Steve's drunk ramblings we're all about. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadey. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a HeadGum podcast.