We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 482 - Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

On this week's episode, the gang gets Pirate Fever as they kick off the 2020 Pirate-thon with the 2003 blockbuster, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl! Why did they insist on making this movie so damn long? Who needed to try so hard to make those two goofy pirates a thing? And who's on which ship when? Stop ship-switching! PLUS: We pitch the next History Channel edu-tainment classic, History's Haircuts! Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl stars Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom, Jonathan Pryce, and Jack Davenport; directed by Gore Verbinski. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program. Wait, we're doing five weeks of what? It's Pirates of the Caribbean. Curse of the Black Pearl. I'm Andrew Jupin. Yarr, Stephen Sadeg. Eric Siska. Yo-ho, Chris Cabin. And y'ar, we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right. This week, we are kicking off five straight weeks to talk about Pirates of the Caribbean movies. is Chris Kevin Chris Kevin hanging himself in advance This is another one of our classic bad ideas Yeah I think no I think Chris took the The microphone in the bathroom with him

Alla naked gun Yeah oh yeah that's a rough one Rough C's as they say A dude did that at some Oh man where was this video Was some like local government meeting or something P videos? It's not a P video No it's a dude he was wearing like a lava

ear microphone and he went into the fucking bathroom like he excused himself from the meeting and this dude was just taking a shit with the microphone I thought you were talking about Robbie at the uh the end of the jinx oh no no no no not killed them all of course no it was just this dude and you just hear like and like all the people the meeting are trying to keep together and then they all just start fucking laughing at this guy and then the greatest humiliation is the dude comes back into the meeting and they're all trying to play cool. Oh, fuck. That's a perfect way to introduce this film. Absolutely.

I wish there was more farts on hidden cameras. Real quick, I want to say, it's okay to like a movie. Like, it's okay to like do like a film series and, you know, we're going to have fun with it. Yeah, like, let's just fucking relax. All right. It's Disney pirate movies. This is a relaxed fun show, folks. Also, also important to note this fucking sucks.

this movie fucking sucks in this whole fucking series this movie is aggressively okay until the towards the end where it becomes unbearable what are you trying to say there Steve I never liked this movie a lot of people around me

like this movie and I've always been okay with people who like this movie but once we get to the sequels I'm like guys what are we doing guys I want to say so this first one this was weird

and Cabin maybe you felt this too because this was like I was still working at the multiplex when this came out there's a summer of 03 and so it was like everybody was fucking excited like working at the theater it was super busy

you know it was like one of those things so rewatching it for this it brought back all those memories but then I was like why was I so like hyped for this movie though because I remember like really liking this one and then I thought the second one was good also

and then the third one Cabin I think you and I saw it at the Regal Union Square I fucking fell asleep after the first like half an hour. I will tell you something about this movie. I was at the time that this, the weekend this came out, I was working at Siena College. And on my break, I was eating my lunch

and I was just browsing it and I saw that it was expected to do huge numbers. And I just remember in my head being like, pirates? All the world is going to come into a theater in the year of our lord 2000, what? Two? Three.

2003. and watch Pirates? This is what it is? I was two things. One, I'll go backwards. One, I was at that screening where Andrew fell asleep. Were you really? That's the only one of these movies I've ever seen in theaters.

And I was, I was just bored out of my skull when the fucking, when, when all the ships are in the toilet spinning around. Oh, yes, that's the toilet flush. The other thing I will say is Andrew Drupin totally had Pirates. Fever, because I was your sophomore year's sweetmate in the year of 2004 when this came out on DVD, and you were like, guys,

I got the Pirates movie. And everyone was like, what? And you're like, we're all, everybody get your fucking popcorn out because we are watching Pirates Tonight. Oh, no, shit. You got shipwrecked with Gabriel Byrne. Oh, awesome. Let's watch it.

I remember liking this movie when it came out. I saw it in the theaters. I was like, Okay, this is great. We're getting back to like fun adventure stuff. It reminded me a little bit of like Indiana Jones or something. Sure. But once you had like a Squid Man in those sequels, I started to really feel the fatigue.

You're talking about Bill Nihy as David Jones. Yeah, yeah, the Mon Calamari villain of the next film. I should say also, by the way, directed by Gore Verbensky. And for goreheads out there, our Patreon offering this month on the We Love Movies feed is the

ring so that's going to be exciting we needed to get out get off a pirate ship for at least a little bit the month of may now this is the craziest fucking thing though because you want to look at this fucking filmography dude uh leading into this movie i mean we're talking the ring which he had the year before the year before that he had that fucking brad pit julia roberts james gandlefini movie the mexican oh yeah and then way back in uh in 97 he directed fucking house hunt with Mr. Bean. That's a great one. Is Mr. Bean in that movie?

No. You're thinking of Lee Ebb, Lee something. Yes, Lee Evans is exactly. You're thinking of the movie Bean. Remember the movie Bean? I do remember the movie Bean. That's where he gets the turkey on his head. Yep, it's him and Peter McNichol hanging out.

I remember Bean coming out in like 1997 and I grew up watching Mr. Bean. And it was like, oh, they're making like a Mr. Bean movie? Like, I went to the movies that I was confronted. I was like, what the fuck is Mr. Bean doing here? You know what I mean? It was just like, coming this. It was just him, like an enormous

standee. And you're like, hello. And I'm like, get out of here, Mr. Bean. That's a lot of Mr. Bean, dude. Yeah. The TV stuff was funny as hell, man. I love the TV stuff. Never watched it. Oh, man. Him with that little teddy bear, and then like driving his car on top of his car for some reason. It was adorable.

It's hilarious. Especially when you're a little kid. I had nothing against it. I'm just saying I never watched it. But I was just like, Mr. Beans here? Yeah. The one thing I realized about this movie and all of these movies, and you're talking about Gore Verbinski, who I, you know, he's, I, you know, this movie, I'm not the world's biggest fan.

I really like The Ring. I think he's got, you know, he's a good, like, Hollywood director. But this is a Bruchheimer family production. Oh, absolutely. It feels so fucking Bruchheimery. Like, you can just imagine. imagine Nicholas Cage walking by looking for a fucking artifact and like another Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery looking for something else.

We're going to have to get the cult of bloom. It's the color palette. It's all like reds and oranges and yellows. It's yellow. It's yellow and it takes fucking forever to get anywhere because everyone's fucking around. That's the Bruchheimer family style. And the thing about it though, this is the yellow and shit though in this movie, it's all faded as fuck.

This movie is so dark. We were just watching it. And I said to my wife, I was like, can we close the curtains? I cannot fucking see this movie. And then we did it. And I was like, oh, it's still just totally a dark, muddy-looking movie. I should also point out, my wife loves this movie. Like, loves it top to bottom.

So I do understand the fan of a little bit. I did scream at her for like 30 minutes. Don't scream at her, just yelling at your wife. This reminded me a bit of the Mask of Zorro, Martin Campbell's movie. yes it has that kind of like that almost faux prestigious like this is an important action movie I say that because I rewatched like 30, 40 minutes of it the other night and I fell asleep

the classic quarantine greenout but yeah I remember I remember liking Masca Zoro better than this but I was younger too so that probably helped I think you're right because Antonio Banderas is least you know cognizant person versus Johnny Depp's role in this movie Oh, you know what though? I was totally, because you guys are talking about Mask of Zorro. I completely, because I'm just done this fucking Vibinsky filmography. I was confusing that with his The Lone Ranger with fucking Army Hammer and Johnny Depp. Yeah, good luck charm. Should we do that after we're done with all this? Oh my God. No, that movie fucking sucks. And we thought like this was long and drawn out. Dude, that movie is long and drawn out. the thing is this movie there i mean again like i remember you know you were like you andrew i'm pointing at who i always blame for making this movie uh who made me watch this movie uh you know i was just i remember like

being into it and then just sort of drifting away going away at sea like it's still happening and like if this movie is like a hundred minutes and a little tighter it's a totally fun solid blockbuster absolutely and that's what you needed to be dude like the scene where johnny dep and orlando blue in the blacksmith shop and have this sword fight that lasts for 10 minutes. Yes. Are you kid? And like there's a there's a point where like you think it's over

and you're like that's cool. And then they're like fighting on top of shit and I was like no, this one's over with. This one's over. I do like that there's a donkey in that sequence. Sure. Big into donkeys in film. It's the bombasticism that won't

stop. It's like what if we kept pushing it? No, you're done. You've done you need to do in the scene move on and in that fight sequence they try to set up things too because it's like oh look orlando bloom can throw a sword and it will lock a door and then at the final scene where he saves him from the gallows it's like he throws the sword again and it's so firmly in place that he can stand on it it's just like we don't I would have believed it it's a fucking crazy movie anyway I would have believed it set up I don't need one time would have been totally fine yeah I don't need a sword chuck to be set up

I would say something that I really hate about this movie and it has a to do with the actual movie itself but this was around the time where Disney started really having a full stranglehold because they got the boys with this movie. It was always more of like Disney sucks

because Barney sucks and Childish shit sucks for most boys. But all a sudden Pixar and Pirates comes out and boys are like, yeah, it's kind of good. And then Marvel and Star Wars happened, they're like, I need it. Women love this movie. Like your wife, girls, this sexual awakening. They love this.

movie. I'm not saying specifically there was all the sudden this opens another door for Disney, I feel like. I looked up the screenwriters and it made all the sense of the fucking world. These guys also were the screenwriting team of a million people that did Aladdin, the 92 Aladdin. And it makes so much sense. All of like the kind of the way this, the movement of the characters and so on and so forth. It just, it feels very like that. Except like. Without the music. Well, one, yeah, without the great music and the great Robin Williams performance and Gilbert Godfrey performance. And the 79 minute running time.

Absolutely. Yeah. And that's what I'm talking about, though. Like, in that movie, it's never like, okay, now Aladdin is stuck in the palace and Princess Jasmine's out trying to do something. Like, the way that they just exchange, like, locations of characters in this movie repeatedly, like you're watching some dude on the street

doing one of those, like, guess the ball under the cup game? Yes, exactly. I don't know which, I don't know which ship anyone is on at any given moment. And people are fucking sneaking off ships and going underwater to sneak off ships. Get out of here with all these fucking ships, which is. Look, guys, it's three ships. Yeah, I know. Give it a break. It's three fucking ships.

Follow the eye. It's three ships. Here we got. Here we'll make some money. Find the black pearl. Find the black pearl. What a dollar. Find the black pearl.

Oh, white sales under that cup. There's just moments in this movie where like, Karen Knightley will get kidnapped. for some reason. And then like and then like three minutes later she's not kidnapped anymore. Like the scene where they, she and Johnny Depp gets stranded on that island and you're like oh fuck they're in for the long

haul now. And literally like the next fucking scene she's like well nope so Jeff or Jonathan Price is here to save the day. Guess we don't have to work. And I'm like well then what the fuck did you go there for in the first place screenplay? Just cut it out of the movie. You filmed and it looked good

put it on that DVD extra. Sure. I'll buy that DVD and make all my friends watch the ended scenes. Kiran Knightley's character, Ms. Swan. I was like, why do they name her after a mad TV character? Oh, wow. Yeah, that's what's her face's old kind of racist character there. More than kind of, I think. Was that Miss Kwan, I think was the character? Oh, really? Did I make that out? Maybe I'm confusing. I thought it was Swan. It was called her Cradle. It was actually a nod to Proust. Oh, yes, of course.

Makes total fucking sense. You know, Steve, I think another thing, though, about, like, why in, you know, aught four when I had that DVD. When you had pirate fever. Pirate fever, exactly. I think it was just a thing where, like, I had more patience as a younger man

for longer movies, even when the movie doesn't call for it. Like, I didn't have a problem with the runtime of, like, the Irishman, because that movie, I think, warrants. everything that it's doing, but like movies that didn't deserve to be that long and still were anyway, I was totally

fine with it. And now it's like I got no fucking time for all these sword fights. Because the thing with this movie. Internet ticker, it is Miss Swan. Alex Lerstein. I believe what she's Lois Griffin now. Is that? Yeah. Hey, you know what, Eric?

I'll remember to give you $10 the next time I see you. Oh shit. Because I'll never do that I'll never see you ever again Probably not I mean well dude you know You could Venmo him that money

No I can't it's got to be physical money We are lost at sea right now I will say that the problem with the movie Is that it all It feels like a hot potato Like every once in a while Somebody else has the pot potato The Irishman only one person has the hot potato

Hence the name Exactly Well it's really unclear Whose movie this is And I mean like Because it's like three prongs of, is Johnny Depp, is it his movie or is he like just kind of like the roguish anti-hero that pops in and scenes and makes them fun? Or is it Orlando Bloom's movie who's a fucking gaping hole of a nothing? Or is it Kieran Knightley, but no, she's actually a damsel that is just a piece on a board to be moved around.

Like Jeffrey Rush, you want to give him this movie? I would love. Jeffrey Rush kind of rules this movie. By the way, if you can go onto your computer. right now. Look at Jeffrey Rush's IMDB photo. He looks exactly like Junior Soprano. I'm not, it's like a Junior Soprano biopic.

Ooh, you're right. Not great. What is going on there? I don't know what's going on. That hat is terrible. And this jacket's like way too big for him. Look at this shit. Yes, James, I had a

hard time playing Junior Soprano. It was so tough, but especially the conalingis scenes. I mean, you know he wouldn't do that. Oh, I totally forgot about the controversy of that character in that episode. So, yeah, Jeffrey Rush does fucking rule in this movie. I think the thing is, though, Steve, to answer your question, I feel like what they were going for was, like, halfway through this movie, like, they were like, you know what, it is the Orlando Bloom film, you know, I believe some of those LOTR movies were out at this point, maybe just the first

one. Well, the trailer for this was on the, uh, was on two towers. It was on two towers. Yes. They wanted to get the Orlando Bloom stands to show up. Right. So I think the thing they realized they're like making the movie, they were like, oh shit, maybe this is more of a Johnny Depp movie. Because like he gets the last line in the movie, all that shit. But I think it was originally intended like, well, Johnny Depp's going to play this character. But they had no idea also like how big this character was going to be. And I think like as these movies go on, one Orlando Blune and Karen Knightley, like, aren't in one of them at one point. And it is just, like, the full-on Johnny Depp show.

But I think, like, to your question, it was sort of, originally, it's this, like, Will, whatever the fuck movie with this, like, big star that's kind of doing this other thing alongside him. But then it's just, I mean, this Jack Sparrow was everywhere. You couldn't fucking dodge it. This whole Johnny Depp performance is pretty crazy because it's like, it made him so much fucking money, obviously. But it also kind of ruined his career.

because it's almost like becoming like Luke Skywalker at 50. It's like such an iconic character almost. And it's also, it ruined his career because it was like this was the beginning of you know what Johnny? Just Riff. Like you know what I mean? Like before then I think he was like working with interesting directors

and doing stuff and like finding characters with them, et cetera, et cetera. But now it's just like, oh man, Johnny is just going to show up and he's going to do Johnny. And it's like, dude, do not. It's also what he gets used to having like a lot of comfort and like craft services is really nice at the big leagues Tim Burton's only giving you

like fucking chicken wings well I mean in what was it 05 well that's that's a post this I would eat chicken wings with Tim Burton just putting that out there in the world I'm on that YouTube show with the hot wings oh look that one's too hot

and that one's too hot Excuse me, could you, could you give me the ghost peppers? Oh, this one's rotten. It's a frank and wingy. The only thing I can eat, could you just put ketchup on a chicken wing? Oh, that was that old boy. Now I want to search YouTube for ketchup on a chicken wing to see what crazy shit pops up. His, um, his early part of the 21st century was interesting because, it's like

he's in he's got that role before night falls and then the fucking shock a la remake there in 2000 and then like blow in 2001 which is a movie I guarantee doesn't hold up but I was obsessed with that fucking movie when it came out I thought it was the coolest movie

Hangover movie Central it is one of the great hangover movie I was always just like alright with the movie if it was on it was on I never really I wasn't out to see going out blow. It was like Goodfellas for babies. I think it got more credit than it deserved because it was right around when Ted

Demi died. Everybody was like, oh, he went out on top, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, 100%. He went out on top. Yeah, totally. But then the role he had right before this Jack Sparrow was that fucking From Hell movie. Right. That's a state tune to the half and a half. Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, and like, that's the thing

is he was like this guy. I mean, and you know, Ninth Gate is around. here so's fear and loathing i think it's like 99 i want to say uh a movie i was obsessed with at the time and all that yeah that was 98 ninth gate was 99 so he's hollow 99 yeah and all these are like you know just like movies that he's in that mostly hold up and then you know again it turns into this then this is there's a direct line from this to what's that morcock or what mordecai mortaicke Mordecai, Mordecai, that movie, I was dumbfounded and how terrible that movie is. By the way, shout out to Michael Morkock, great fantasy novelist.

That's what I was, I was trying to cast Johnny Depp in the biopic, dude. Morcoq, the movie. That'd be good, man. I think the way that the slasher's should have never left the 80s, Depp should have never left the 90s. Yeah. That was really like only. as of very recently does he seem to be, he's doing a movie with the guy

who did Embrace of the Serpent and Birds of Passage. Oh, really? Him, it's him and Patinson are together for this movie. I don't know if it's coming out now, but, you know, it was supposed to come out this year. So he might have been going back to it, but like, the last

what, two decades, has been a disaster. Personally, professionally, just a disaster. so yeah i mean you know whatever we don't have to go through this movie because like you know i feel 60% of this is just sword fights which aren't really interesting to talk about but i did not recall this prologue you don't need it you totally don't need it nope i was like her as a kid yeah yeah the two of them like meeting his children and you've got fucking jonathan price

they're also fucking eerily you've got this commodore uh yeah by what's his face Jack Davenport which is actually his real name not the character name because it sounds like the character name definitely could be yeah I didn't put it together I was like wait a second

so this dude also so okay to kind of backtrack but not this sort of lumps into another question of how fucking old is Karen Knightley's character supposed to be great question because we have this girl and then this fucking

Norrington is there on this ship as a grown ass man in this prologue and then when we get to the present time in the story this dude is still a grown ass man and now that little girl's Kieran Knightley and he's like yes I want to marry you. It seems totally normal

I mean we hear news stories about this all the time every day I remember her saying it was eight years prior right which is insane though because like that little girl in the prolog is like what like 10 years old? Yeah well no she's

no actually Kieran Ali is 18 in when this movie came out. Oh, really? Okay, so she's 18. No, really? Wow. And No, Norenton is 38. And I just love at some point in this eight-year time frame Jonathan Price's character,

the governor, decides between this black wig he has, this black Captain Hook wig for the more staid gray wig he wears for most of the film. Absolutely, June. That's a decision. No gentlemanly wig wearer comes too lightly. You have to be forced to it You have to have your friends

Have to tell you like Oh don't you think it's a little silly To have that black wig on Do you think he keeps it just for old times Like he wears it around his bedroom For the ladies Do you want the governor Or the governor's son

Or the generalissimo We're gonna make fun of this 18 to 36 relationship But like honestly at the time This was an August to August relationship as it stood. I want to drop the DeCaprio, dude. Quick hot take for the room.

I mean, people listening might agree with me, maybe not. But I kind of like that this movie takes its time to start and kind of establishes the world and it feels lived in. And it does, it is long. What I don't like is that the action scenes towards the end take forever. I kind of agree with you. I mean, I do think this movie takes a little long to get going. I kind of want to just get to where we're going.

But I do agree. like i i prefer that to the overly bloated action who's carrying the pot potato at the last hour and a half of the movie yeah and i think the other thing too is like it is i'm fine sitting with like the first whatever this is like 45 minutes of this movie um because at least johnny dep like strolls in early on and you're not just sitting around with fucking orlando bloom who you know i thought i liked that dude but now thinking about back like why i mean honestly what like i know people like him in those lord of the rings movies i am i am one of the people out there that just thinks that those movies are totally fine

that kind of shit just doesn't do it for me like i know you guys like the game of thrones a lot more and whatever but like i you know they're fine and he's i guess fine in them but like why did i care this much about fucking orlando bloom i don't know why you did me because you're watching too much access hollywood good be i i funny enough like even though i like fantasy shit i have only seen the lord of the rings movies once when they were in theaters original the first time i've never seen them again since and i've been meaning to go back and i feel like it could help especially with this rewatch to do my critical reappraisal of orlando bloom i like i like all those movies i really i actually really

like them they're their their total hangover movies anytime anytime t and t's got the the marathon going I'll stick around for 40 minutes. But the thing is, Orlando Bloom kind of has an Arnold Schwartz. He's kind of playing a Terminator in that movie. It's robotic, but it's like, oh, he's an elf, so it's okay. Because, like, he doesn't talk a lot, right? Yes, exactly. It's a big terminator.

I'm going to need your horse. I'm going to need your tunic, and I'm going to need your long bow. And, dude, looking back, I know they wanted to cast it with, like, a certain kind of actor. But honestly, kind of a misstep, not having Arnold. in those L-O-T-R movies You're going to play one of the walking trees Austrinos. He designed the king elf, yes.

King of the Elves soon, exactly. That is right. I am making out with Kate Blanchett the Queen of the Elves. We're all having sex. We're coming. It's terrific. We come in the mure pool. I come in the forest.

I come in the trunk of the tree. I come in the pond. And then the tree can play. Oh, you came on my feet! It really needed Arnold walking around, jerking off coming on stuff. It's true. It would have been a much better trilogy. I will say about the world building. Like, I get that, and I like that it does.

Like, I could take it if it was in the town, and I was learning the town. But, like, the world building is literally on a ship that we never see again. Cabin, you are in that fucking port city for like the first fucking hour of the movie. Are you kidding me? Well, I'm saying I want that the preamble I still think should be cut. Oh, absolutely. Although we would lose

a fucking hilarious line. Because like the movie opens with this little girl it's the younger Karen Knightley like singing La Dada Pirates Life of Me or whatever the fuck. And that guy with the great general Burnside sideburns goes like he's fucking yells at her. And then, you know, Norrington or Jonathan Price is like,

excuse me, that's a child. And he goes, yeah, when she was singing about pirates. Fucking great line. There's another great part about this scene where they've discovered a burning boat or whatever. And it seems to be such a fucking surprise. Yes, yeah. It's like, I thought boats were slow. That happens a lot of this movie where it's like, ha, a boat.

It's like, I don't know. You saw it. It's the fucking horizon, dude. It's everywhere. And Price comes out going like, maybe it blew up on itself. That's kind of great because they're like, oh, man, pirates definitely did this. And he's like, now, now, now, let's not jump to any conclusions. Maybe the boat just exploded.

Of course. Boats explode all the time. It could be one of those meth boats you hear about. Someone was cooking on that boat. Ah, shit. It's going to spill again. And the only thing you need to fucking get out of this prologue is that little boy is washed up. on a little piece of wood it's young Orlando Bloom he's got a fucking pirate

medallion around his neck Kira Knightley steals it bang bang boom welcome to pirates of the Caribbean really sticky fingers on this little little fucking rich girl here I'll tell you that much she's rich that's how they stay rich dude is he's working class boy in the water then rob them honestly dude who's the real fucking pirate in this movie Jonathan Price or the pirates thank you big fucking Billy Turner must have super glued him to this rap because it is holding him up despite him slipping into the water. Oh, yeah, it's a motion picture.

Oh, yes, okay. It's good to know. Thank you, Eric. Forget about that one important detail. Nothing makes sense. We should abandon all hope. Let's go back to nitpicking it uselessly. No, but I do think, I mean, that is the thing about this movie

that always kind of rub me the wrong way. And I know, yes, Eric, it is a motion picture. But it is a movie that will never stop letting you know it's a movie. It's winking the entire time. wants to draw you in and make you worry about any of these characters, which makes those incredibly long action scenes all the more tedious. It's like, I know everyone's going to be fine, so let's just go. To it, to it. At some point, right before they put Kura Knightley and Jack Sparrow on the island, some guy says, this is taking too long. And there's 45

Five fucking minutes left. So yeah, she wakes up and she's like, it's a brand new day and she's got to meet. She's being like sold off to captain, whatever the fuck his name is. Well, dude, it's so, it's fucking terrible. It's like, oh, hey, Karen Knightley, are you still asleep? Wake up at the crack at dawn to go watch this dude's fucking promotion ceremony. Great use of everyone's time. Watching this asshole get a promotion to Commodore.

What else is there to do? in this fucking town, right? I don't know, man. Drink rum and jerk off. Go swimming? She's living under the boot of Jonathan Price there. It's a fucking tiny little boot, dude.

It's a pirate's life for me. I just drink rum and jerk off all day. I would be a great pirate. I'm being a pirate right now. Wait, how much are you being a pirate? Just the first part about drinking. Okay, okay. This is a secret joy call.

Oh, God. Oh, man. All right there, Mr. Cabin. Get your pants off. Strzok it Welcome to Jonathan Price Jerk off instructions You might remember me

as playing a Villain in a James Bond film Now get cranking Yes I can I can put on a wig Would you like the black one? Or the white one? I'm imagining a J-O-I video

That's like The Blade Runner test And it's just like Well, why wouldn't I take my pants off? Do you? you see that boring film The Wife with me, an old what's her name? Who was my wife, Glenn Close?

Well, in that movie, no one's jerking anyone off. And that was the problem. You know, in Brazil, there was a lot of papers floating around. Is that going to do anything for you? Jerk off, wise? We regret to inform you that the Jonathan Price Jerkoff Instruction video series has been canceled.

due to extreme lack of interest. But now you can find me on Masterclass. Oh, man. Oh, dude, Masterclass Jonathan Price teaches you had a jerk off. I was going to say it was still just about jerked off. Honestly, it would probably be better than those fucking regular master class things. At least you wouldn't be pissing your money away. Now look, you don't always have to have lubricant.

But I suggest you use it. Use it to your advantage when you. jacking off. Now, once social distancing is worn off, we could perform the two popes, and it goes as such. I'm just waiting for, I'm counting the days before the fucking feds raid the master,

the master class offices for being the scam that it is. It's going to happen. It's like Trump University, man. Are you fucking kidding me with these master class things? Get out of here. It's nice to see Spike Lee getting paid, though, because like, you know they all got, got it, did it, and then left. I guess so, dude.

but Jesus Christ. Hasn't everyone been on that? Like, Werner Herzog teaches you how to be weird. Yeah. There was like an Aaron Sorkin like teaches you how to write like an asshole. I was like,

I don't want to take that class. The most classless thing ever, and I'm a big Neil Gaiman fan, the most classless thing I've ever seen Neil Gaiman do is somebody was like, hey, Neil Gaiman, I can't afford your master class, but I really want to learn how to write from you.

And he like retweeted it and was like, Can we raise the funds to get out of my master class? I'm like, you fucking dick, dude. That sucks. Do you know what happened, dude? Did you follow up? I mean, I think she got the money because someone's like, oh, she needs to know how to write about dreams.

But is Neil okay? Like, it seems like he's in financial straits. I think him and his wife are doing just fine. I guess my bathroom isn't spooky enough. I need three more of them. So whatever the fuck, man. She puts on a corset, is actually very important for this. And I think it's doing something for somebody, by the way.

It looked like he was doing something where Jonathan Price in this scene, to be totally honest with you. Because the thing is, like, it cuts off her airflow, you know, a nice little, little dig at corsets here. And like, you know, and the fashion at the time. And she passes out at this party and falls under the water, which is how Jack Sparrow comes to save the day. Right. Because he's, he kind of has, I think, a great entrance into this movie I love that he's on this little fucking shitty skiff that's sinking and like he's standing

on the top of the post like right as it gets to the dock and sit like it's just it's a nice introduction to a character it is a really cool introduction to a character but then it runs right into the wall of the problems of this movie which is the two characters I got it and I really got it that really like have to interrogate him

and tell all these jokes he has he circle talks them and it's almost like a who's on first type of thing and it lets you know that like this Johnny Depp character is a bit fun but this is that kind of like jokey Disney shit that I'm not at these movies

for. I hate these two I forgot about these two guys and I forgot just how much they're all over this movie they're in it until the very fucking end they're terrible and the two guys that became a sensation with these movies these two fucking inept pirates

the one guy from the office and the little guy from Seinfeld. Yeah, McKenzie Crook and I don't know the other guy's name. They reminded me of C3Pio and R2D2 in this. Yes, but at least with that fucking duo, one of them doesn't say anything. Well, that's just bleeps and bloops. One of these pirates should be bleeping and bloop.

That's the problem, right there. The problem isn't that it's just joking, like all these fucking Disney movies are. It's that it's jokey and it's clearly giving you exposition out the ass. Yes. It's just laying the fucking ground where you're like, I fucking get it. this is like through these two dudes

we learned about like what the curse of the black pearl is and it's like this crew of the damned who were so shitty they got spit out of hell and this that and the other thing and I'm just like man I don't I really don't care. A captain so evil yeah the black pearl

is captained by a captain so evil that hell itself spat him back out. It's a good line. I'm okay with it. Not too bad. Not too bad. Yeah. Also so when Kira Knightley falls in this water Her

I keep wanting to say amulet Her little pirate pendant That she's wearing Medallion Oh thank you there it is I couldn't tell which word they use That all mean the same object This medallion sends off a little

Like shockwave into the water This like echolocation thing And then like an hour later The fucking bad guy showed up I just got a text message Oh my god I feel like I have to shit Oh it's a medallion

I haven't felt that in years It must be the medallion We gotta go boys So you know For his troubles They're like oh cool You saved Kira Knightley's life That's excellent

Now you're going to be executed Because I guess the rule On this at this port city Is like no pirates whatsoever If a pirate sits foot on a dock They're gonna be hung I love their commitment to it That they do they do it

Even though he he saves her And then they try to do it again later, which is... They are really trying to execute this guy, yeah. That's right. Any pirates show up. Get him out of here. Hang them. Just hang him.

Look at my fucking big blonde wig I'm wearing. All right. You know who pirates are? They're Mexicans. They're Muslims. There anyone? I say... They have the COVID more than we have the COVID because I say so.

We're shutting down the ports. We're shutting down all the ports, folks. If you watch me on TV, you'll be cured from the COVID. Steve, I do have to ask you a question here. Oh, wow. With Honkshu Bloom, when he enters, he starts talking about Tang. Yes. Did you get a little excited?

I absolutely. Thank you so much. When Orlando Bloom shows up, he's a blacksmith. he gives a ceremonial sword to Jack Davenport's character or for, to be given to Jack Davenport's character. And he's like, yes, it's a perfect sword. The tang. The balance is perfect. The tang is almost as wide as the blade itself. I'm like, oh, dude, that's a well-made sword. Dude, but will it kill? Well, that's the question. We don't know. We got to go back. But also, it totally, it totally sucks that I thought the exact same thing, Kevin. I was like,

Steve something, something, that's Sword Show. Fortune Fire or Fortune Fire Knife or Death, which is a superior show, which I'm actually kind of, I'll be honest, I'm a little worried that this season of Knife or Death might not be happening because of COVID.

Well, a lot of those contestants, yeah. A lot of those contestants, I assume, are high risks for you getting the disease. Yeah, that's absolutely true. Now, is is Knife for Death exactly what I think it is, we're specializing only in knives?

Well, no, it's a show we're in Bill Goldberg and some other guy. Bill Goldberg. That's right. It's a name I haven't heard in a long time. Seriously. It's a knifsticle course show where in the, people have to take knives either they made or they bought and take them through a knife obstacle course and no one does well. It's fantastic.

Wow, knife obstacle course, that's actually pretty great. You know what show I like that was also sort of a spinoff of this whole, forged in fire universe and I think it's canceled now and it definitely won't be coming back probably with everything that's going on I think it was called night fight oh I remember night fight

yeah it's just a bunch of like fat dudes put on armor beat the shit out of each other wait a second that's the entire show that's the whole show that is the entire show he's not kidding what cable network is this on it's on history it's part of this

like it's just the history channel is a fucking disgrace I learned I learned that fat guys fall down even faster when they wear armor. And they have historically fallen down fast. Tonight on History Channel, Jello fights. That's the ladies' rap. And then at the beginning, I'm like, well, you know,

Marie Antoinette used Jello. Anyway, here's some half-naked ladies fighting in Jello. What, that's history. That's history. This did indeed happen on the campus of Duke in 1999. There was Jell fighting in the middle of the street. I didn't say, we've got to get that horny history podcast up. There is, at the end of Fortune Fire, like the last challenge is always like,

you have to recreate a sword from history. You can recreate this incredibly nice sword from, and it'll be like the Spanish cutlass that the pirates used in 1691 to 1735, also featured heavily in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Like, it'll also be like, you know what I mean? We're trying, or like, or the, you'll, you can find this. in the history books or the video game

Assassin's Creed. Today we're making Dragon Scale. You may remember this from the famous See you. So Jack. So Jack Sparrow is captured once again and thrown in the brig

and that night the port is attacked by the crew of the Black Pearl. This sequence kind of rules. I will be honest. It's not too bad. I have to say dude, Orlando Bloom's character will, almost said will scarlet will whatever the fuck uh will turner turner thank you uh just like his

diaries um those get dark he gets into this fucking fight immediately and not with sword play friends oh no look out disney movie he's definitely throwing an axe into this dude's back it's great i love bomb pirate the best oh that dude's crazy guys are like centa bites man they are one of them is Cano. Did everybody notice this? I did. I think this was his last role, by the way. I did not. R-I-P-D. K-N-O-D. Accidental O.D. Burial at C.

Did he really? No, I mean, if this is his last movie, it's kind of like, no, he was buried in Outworld, actually. I'm sure he was lovely if his family is listening. Yes, I'm sure. Steve Carrell took his whole, body back to Outworld

had to Barrier. What was that? It's called last flag flying? Yes. You're making a last flag flying reference? I'm doing it. You're the only person

that saw that movie? No, I saw it and I think it's incredibly underrated link later. Oh, really? Yeah, I liked it. All right. Also, a butler gets shot

in the face right here which was pretty fucking awesome, dude. There's like, they storm Kira Knightley's house, basically. And this dude answers at the door like,

yes. And she's like, like running down the stairs to be like, no, it's Pirates. And you just see this dude like, mother totally drops dead, man. It was awesome. That is a good one. And I think that that's fine because these movies are totally bloodless, which is fine. I'm not talking about it.

It needs to be like blood and gut. But like towards the end of the movie, it's just skeletons, which I love skeletons. Don't get me wrong, but they're immortal so they can't die. And it's like, well, what the fuck are we fighting for? Absolutely no stakes in this movie at all. because like of your big three of your Orlando Bloom, your Kieran Knightley and your Johnny Depp, obviously none of them

are going to Davy Jones locker. And like worst case scenario, it's Jeffrey Rush and you're like, all right, that's fine. But like kill some of these fucking nobodies. Like the only time people are dying are these when like the red coats are attacking. Like when it's the fucking, you know, the British Navy is going after these skeletons.

And the skeletons are getting the drop on these guys. But like, we've never met any of these guys. like at least with some of the pirates like you get to know the actor's faces throughout this long as hell movie you're right so that norrington guy should not make it through this movie he's in the future movies not only is in the future movies dude i do believe he fucking becomes a pirate at one i think in the third one he becomes a pirate because he's like oh care at nightly is this what you actually like pirate dick oh dude she's in the pirate play man oh shit dude definitely out there norrington because comes cuckbeard. Cuckbeard's the pirate. Excellent. All right, kiddoin nightly, I'll stop washing my balls.

Oh, you need $100 for your date with your boyfriend. Well, okay. Yarr, cuckbeard. This is a million-dollar idea. Absolutely it. Absolutely. The action figure of Cuckbeard comes with a glass that he puts up against the door to listen. and pull his arms to make him cry.

This is where we do meet Jeffrey Rush as Captain Barbosa. Killing it in this movie. He's so fun. It's a classic, it's like a fucking C-Captain Simpson's voice, but it's, you know what I mean? It's like, but it's Jeffrey Rush, so it rules, you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly.

Like he's not doing it for, I mean, I guess he's being a little silly. He's playing a cartoonish pirate, but you know what I mean? He's like playing it as a menacing sort of, whatever, you know, the sea captain as far as I recall is not that menacing. He's not sleeping on it. That's what's really, and like when the menacing

parts come, you do feel it with him. Like, it's not just like, oh, like, oh, Hardy Harri Parat fart. Yeah, because he's a pirate. He's a guy. He's affecting the role of fucking Johnny Depp is fun in the movie. I think he's good in the movie, but he's like playing like a comedy, Jonathan

Davis. Yes. Thank you for remember. You texted that to me last night. I was so thrilled. I mean, we both, they're both suffering from fucking white guy dreads, dude, and that just has to stop. It's going to stop.

But boom, bachabooka, baca, bacharit. Well, there's historical precedence for white guy dreds. You know, you can remember it from the 1600s or the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, Coling the Black Pearl. Welcome back to history haircut here on History Channel. Welcome back to pornography on the history channel. We're just showing you straight pornography

And we'll have guys come in Every five or ten minutes to talk for a little But then back to the pornography I got one for history haircut by the way You're just a little off the top Oh, sure That was history's most dangerous Speaking of self-quarantining

Hitler cut his own hair That's what happened team of the country's most respected barbers and they're going to have to give the same historical haircut each week here on history's haircuts first up julius caesar oh yeah that's a famous dude that is a famous haircut i think we just pitched it by the way copyright we hate movies oh totally yeah i'm going to put this podcast in the mail mail it back to myself so i got the stamp this wednesday afternoon on the season finale of history history's haircuts. All

remaining three barbers go head to head to see who can cut the best Mo Howard. Yeah, actually it's a little more of an Adolf Hitler you got there. It's not so much of a Mo Howard, so yeah. It's a good haircut, but not a great haircut. He's like touching it like the dog

inspectors. Whatever that the Westminster, Westminster. Oh, you cut that you cut that bang at an angle. Damn. Damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn. What a tragedy. Looks like you mixed up your stooge and clearly gave your subject the Larry Fine. It's bloody raw. So whatever, a lot of stuff happens. McKenzie Crook and this other guy, they do like a quick Halloween riff with Kira Knightley. She's in the closet. Yeah. That's true.

Because I mean, again, these guys start off as menacing. This whole movie starts off as menacing, but you have to wink at the kitties to let everybody know everything's going to be okay. Well, the second this asshole's fucking eyeball falls out, dude, you're just like, all right, well, that's the end of that. Oh, it's even before that, like, so a guard opens the door for the pirates, and the pirates put a fucking gun right in his face and pull the trigger. It's not fucking, you know, Rainbow Road or anything like that. It's just fucking dry as hell and he just falls to the floor in one piece. What a Mario Kart

Maude are you using with blood everywhere? That's I misspoke there. So Kieran Knightley, the first of like three times in this movie she's fucking kidnapped. Happens right here. Well, she invokes the right of parlay because she's such a pyrofile. She knows about all the pirate lore. Total pyrofile.

Site precedents and shit. Yeah, she uses a parliol. she puts money on the tip off that Kevin Garnett's going to get it and then I would love it if in this movie dude those two fucking goofball pirates got shot in the head to fucking vestibule or alternatively pirate Mike Francesa she wants parley in there in the back of an Italian restaurant well all right what do you what do you what you do you you you can't put money on the on the sheltics right now it's ridiculous I ever heard.

Look, when you get out there on the high seas, the first person you kiss cannot be Captain Jack Sparrow. It just can't be. That's the second part of that. So she gets on board the ship and she's like,

hey, asshole, I got this fucking medallion. It sure looks like something you'd want. He's like, yes, as a matter of fact, I do. By the way, the parlay is bullshit. Now you're kidnapped. and we're sailing off into the night. It is important she does lie here. He's like, what's your name?

And she's like, oh, I can't say Swan because that's the governor's name. He'll definitely kidnap me. Bad Improv. Turner. And he's like, well, that's exactly who I be looking for. It's like, oh, fuck. Exactly.

And so they go off to their Isle of the Dead, which is also like their hideout or whatever. and so at this point basically like Will breaks Jack Sparrow out of jail and they sort of just like team up to steal a boat and go get Elizabeth back is the idea that's like the that should have been really the only kind of part of the movie yes and instead there's like you know tons of detours and shit

but I mean like if they just go to get her back and then get her back and then the movie ends that's like a movie right it would be a fucking excellent 90 minute movie yes But it's like, I mean, it is so bloated because like Jack Sparrow's in the prison and, you know, the cannon fodder from the Black Pearl frees all the other prisoners except for him because then we have to get another scene, this other scene where pirates confront him and they turn out to be the mutineers that dropped him off. So you establish that. But it's just like, it is a lot of padding. Totally. So they sneak aboard a ship and fucking, this is the first of a couple of ship switches here. because Norrington is like,

oh, they're trying to steal my boat. Are they? Ha, ha, ha. They go out. And then, like, these British Navy men jump on board this ship. And then fucking Jack Sparrow

and Will Turner just, like, sneak back out of the other ship and just fucking steal it. Ship switching. Yeah. It's all over this fucking movie. I'm assuming it's going to be throughout the series. Yeah. It's perfectly fine.

You never been to an oar party? Dude. Sigourney Weaver throws them all the time. It's very classy. Alice and Janney's there. Look, we put all these. We put these oars in the fishbowl, dude, and you got to fucking fish out your oar, man. That's a big fishbowl.

It's an enormous fishbowl. It takes an hour. You get on the ship. And then your wife gets on a rope and swings over to the other ship to fuck a guy. I like this. You, wait, you become cuckbeard? It's a cuckbeard simulator. This is the origins of cuckbeard.

Got it. I do like the idea of the oars. You know which one's like, oh, that's a really nice looking ore. I want to go with that one. It's got like a little pearl handle definitely. Sure. That's a nice looking oar. That looks like, oh, that ore right there.

That's the oar of a carpenter. I'm going to be honest with you. That looks like the oar of a man who has an awfully young bride. He chose patelli. And then you die because it was a paddle. Oh, dude, no, no, no. Ready, wait, wait, wait, wait. Dude, he chose orly.

I'm going to, you know, by the way, this is, if you just throw those away, you have yourself an orgy, FYI. Oh, right. Or an orgy. About five minutes ago I was being made fun of for talking about Last Fat Flying. Everybody is listening. I just, I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's a fine movie, but you couldn't pay me for that trailer. I'm in the same boat.

Did you guys ever see the last detail, though? Yeah, I love that movie. The sequel. It's a direct sequel. Yeah. The book is, well, it's the book is based on the. sequel to the book. Well, why don't you mail it to 1975?

Get Jack Nicholson in there. Maybe maybe you got some of a movie here. Sure, sure. I'm just not watching Steve Carell in a dramatic performance after Dan in real life. No, no, no, no, no. I will say this movie is not fucking Dan in real life, dude. That's what it looked like

from the trailer. I'm sorry. I didn't see any pancakes in the trailer. Yeah. There's an area of fucking pancake, dude. And as far as I can tell about Dan and real life, he wasn't a fucking traumatized Vietnam veteran. Oh shit. Is that why he made Marwin?

Made his town of Marwin. Now that Steve Grell drama fucking sucked. I'm sure Marwin and that movie is fine. So we got a sale to Tortuga, which as far as I can tell is kind of like the Scali Wag hangout. Yes. It's pretty cool.

The Sodom and Gamora of Pirate World. It's like Pirate Town, dude. They're fucking doing all types of shit. Right when they get there, right when Jack Sparrow and Lander Bloom are walking around. There's this fat dude just double fisting all this ale, pouring it all over his fucking body.

It's disgusting. Is that a mirror? Now here's my question though. So all you guys had fat slob chugging the beers? Yeah. What platform did you watch the movie on? Disney Plus.

Did it. All right. So good. I thought for a second I was getting a classic Disney editing something out. I must have just looked down on my iPad at the wrong time. Oh, it's like a half a second long, but it's like a glorious half a second that you're even thinking Jabba the Hut could show up in this movie. Oh, you know, did this movie cut out Jeffrey

Rush's cock? Because... Oh, no, that's Quills. That's Quills. Sorry. This movie, the cock was in, but they just put a bunch of CGI pubes all over it so you couldn't tell. A bunch of particles. If they went the other direction, they had a whole, like, banner section, like,

cock classics. It's like Bad Lieutenant, quills, the piano. Again, to repeat. You and McGregor's career pre-1999. The film Wild Things. Oh, yeah. Dude, that's a quick cut, though.

No, not in Wild Things. Dude, Kevin Bacon slowly gets out of that shower at the end of the movie. Do for a rewatch. Oh, yeah, dude, you got that. You got Bill Murray in the neck brace in that movie. Pretty entertaining movie, like I say. Piece of shit, but very entertaining. My favorite thing

is so they get into Tortuga and they go to find Mr. Gibbs, who and this is one of the more confusing parts of this, was the guy in the preamble who was like taking care of Kira Knightley. He's the guy who yells, she's singing about pirates.

Yeah. And he has, for some reason, he's also the best friend of Jack Sparrow and he's sleeping with pigs. Well, I think the thing is, a lot can happen in eight years. In that time, he becomes a crippling alcoholic because he's like, his whole character trait is like,

I need me booze, like all the time. I know that can. Yeah fucking seriously, dude Here's to all my friends All my friends But you're totally right though Like how does this guy wind up here

And now he's so pro-pirate that he is a pirate Yeah they are Well there was this virus you see And they had us in this quarantine Was it and every week I would go out And get a bottle of rum And I'd say well this is for the week But then it'd be come Wednesday

And be like well I need another bottle of rum And sure enough, I'm a drunk pirate forever now. Time to sleep in big shit. It's so stupid, though, because, like, whenever it is that Kira Knightley meets up with this character again, she goes, Mr. Gibb. And then this dude is like, oh, fuck, I'm found out. But, like, nobody fucking says anything. And it doesn't matter. It's not like, oh, you know, like he doesn't redeem himself.

He sort of does DM and not really. It doesn't matter. but it's not like, oh, remember when I taught you how to do this, now use it or something. No, there's none of that. There's no even, like, he doesn't even really acknowledge, like, y'ar, hello, Elizabeth. Yes, I remember when you were a little girl in the prologue of this movie. Like, none of that. He doesn't say a word to being recognized.

And you're just like, then what is the point? Ar, have you seen my twin, my twin who lived with you all the time? Yeah, exactly. I was the bad boy twin. became a pirate. I ate the fishers. I did. Yeah, so they pick him up.

And at this point, Johnny Depp, you know, and the other thing, too, it's the double triple cross. Too many doubles, too many triple cross. Because he's like, oh, I'm only bringing Orlando Bloom so I can get the black pearl. And once I give it to him, he's a Will Turner's boy or Bootstrap Turner, which is a great nickname. It's bootstrap's boy. So once Barbosa sees him, he's going to go apeshit and I can use it.

to barter to get the Black Pearl. Right, right. So he's not exactly as noble as you think, which is a fine thing. By the way, we should mention Johnny Depp nominated for an Academy Award for this movie. That's right. Yeah, I was distracted by the Battle of Fallujah that year, I guess. Jesus.

What did he lose to? I'm pulling it up right now. I believe it was Sean Penn and Mystic River. Oh, well, that's the best actor. his best lead actor, by the way, not supporting. Oh, Jesus. Which is ridiculous. Johnny Depp lead lead performance in this movie, they thought.

Yeah, it was lead. The cast was, or the crop was, Sean Penn, Mr. Kriver, the winner. Ben Kingsley House of Sand and Fog. Bill Murray lost the translation. He should have won. Johnny Depp Black Pearl and Jude Law Cold Mountain.

Call that a weak year. Jesus, dude. That Cold Mountain's one of the most forgettable films of all times. I am sure if I we went through this, we'd find much better performances than those five, but probably, yeah. Although I'll say as much as it should have been, Bill Murray, still, Sean Penn

in that movie is awesome. No, he is. And it's not, it's not a, he makes a movie. Oh, you know what, Paul Giumani was nominated for American fucking splendor? Oh, man. The black fucking pearl, a Disney movie. Really? It's like a shit of playing a fucking pirate, PJ. You fucked

it up. Well, maybe I will say yes to that showtime deal. You know, I just, you know, you're doing these independent movies, man. You get nothing doing a movie about myself called Cold Souls. Yeah. He could be in a movie called Cold Sores starring him as Cuckbeard, the Pirate. Oh, my wife. All right.

How many de balloons you need for your date? Oh, my God, I can't believe it. I'm sitting here. This guy's railing. my wife, I have to keep my jeans on. Why are you going to see Davy Jones? Okay, I won't ask. I won't ask. I'm sorry. I won't ask.

Oh, man. Yeah, I'd watch that. Yeah, I would watch Paul Giamatti be cucked. So there's a weird fucking dinner scene in this movie with Jeffrey Rush and Karen Knightley where he's like, yeah, I invite ye to dinner. Yes, I love it. And she's like, yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. and he's like, fine, then you'll be dining out here with the crew, and you'll be naked. And I'm like, all right, I mean, I'm a bit of a shock, jock, you see. Yarr, we need you to sit on the Sibian before dinner.

You don't understand, honey, I'm a feeder. I like to watch you eat. Now, eat. He is. He's like, oh, eat, you like, because she's like trying to eat daintily, and she's like, oh, you're hungrier than that now. And she goes, like, really after this ham hawk. And he's like, yeah.

Oh, keep doing it. Oh, keep doing it. Just keep, oh, God, keep doing it. I got to say, you know, Disney major motion picture here, clearly a large budget, lots of IRL explosions, which I did appreciate, a lot of good stunt work, all that good stuff. This is the fakedest, worst-looking prop pig

I have ever seen in a movie. They put this fucking thing down in front of her and I was like, yep, ghosts did make this. Because this is a famous scene where he kind of explains to her what happened and like why they wanted the Dubloon and all this stuff. And it's like they stole Aztec gold

and they need to bring it all back with blood of the betrayer to be able to lift the curse because, and she's like, well, I don't believe in ghost stories. And this is when he tells her, you best start believing in ghost stories. You're in one. Oh yeah

As he's walking Walking into the moonlight And reveals himself To also be a Skellington And then you see the whole Skeleton crew And it's you know This part's fun

You know what I mean It's totally fun These effects all I think Hold up nicely for a 17 year old movie They do Like all of them like In the final fight with Barbosa And Jack Sparrow

When they're like dancing In and out of that one big ray of moonlight And they're switching back and forth It all looks really nice yeah i feel like they also do too much of it because when you see the whole crew become skeletons and then they fight and then they fight and then they fight and fight and fight and fight and fight and fight yeah it just feels like it goes this is when the movie starts to drag for me well totally everything with geoffrey rush feels good because it's like a full cast

that he's working with and he like is uh reacting to everybody that is on his ship whereas in comparison when it's just when it Orlando bloom and Jack Sparrow get their fucking crew together. It's still just Orlando Bloom and fucking Jack Sparrow. There's still the focus of the whole thing. Well then they do get a crew together including a very young

Zoe Saldana by the way. Yes. Yeah, totally. Which was a thing that like it was one of those like I remembered it at the time and just like she's been in so many huge movies since then that I completely forgot that she was in this like at all. But yeah, she's one of the pirates here

that they pick up back at Tortuga, I guess. And there's, of course, some previous history with her and Jack Sparrow that never super gets resolved. She just, like, slaps him a bunch, which is fine. He's into it. I got slapped in fucking American Splendor, you know. I get an Oscar for being slapped.

Oh, fuck. What is this? Another movie based on a small play, no one's heard of. Great, PG. You fucking did it again, you oaf! Well, I feel like PG, you know, he went for the ape roll and it just didn't, it did not land. So he was probably very cautious ever since. I swear to God, if Daniel Close draws another one of my fucking movie posters, I'm going to fucking lose it.

Okay, I'll, I'll make the movie with, what is it, hunting a dangerous magician? Oh, God. Oh, dude, that movie. Wait, what movie is that? The illusionist? Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah.

I didn't mind it. Really? Yeah, it's fine. yeah so we finally get so it's like I timed it it's 76 minutes we finally get to this fucking barbosa and friends hideout where they're keeping all the treasure oh yeah there's like gold stash island well this is where like they get there and they're about to sacrifice her and all this stuff and I'm like okay so if they pad this out a little bit that'll get you to 9095 minutes and then the movie ends you know what I mean that's that's the thing Steve you're exactly right this sequence yes this is the like the five final act of a movie that's a normal runtime. This is the conclusion. We are at the conclusion. I feel like I'm at

Jerry Seinfeld at the dinner with Banya like, no, this is it. This is your ending. You got soup. Pirates of the Caribbean, that's the meal. Lifting the curse is the dinner. I'm sorry. Yeah, dude,

we are not going back to Mendez for more of this fucking movie, man. We're going to go back for five more fucking helpings. I guess, wait, no, there's only four more after this. Only three, no, four more after this. Four more after this. There might be a fifth eventually, right? Is that the rumor?

If we ever get out into functioning society again? Yes, I think so. A movie. The sixth pirates in the Caribbean. A movie is not a 90-minute thrill ride. It is a two-and-a-half-hour fucking drag, okay? And that's what I want. What they should do is they should just,

drop Johnny Depp, drop the entire thing, and just not make it a reboot, but just do another thing, different character names under the Pirates of the Caribbean banner and move along. You're totally right. Because you know what all you'd have to do to still make it a Pirates of the Caribbean movie? Because at least

through the few that I saw, this is straight throughout them. Keeping what I think is a legitimately awesome score in this movie. Like the main like theme like bum bum bum bum butta. It repeats a little too much for me, but I agree.

It's also a Brookheimer score. It's like the rock. Like the fucking racist thing through San Francisco. You're totally right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is when, I mean, and this monkey has been around the whole movie. The monkey becomes a big character, I think. This monkey that you find out jokingly is named Jack later on in the film.

That was pretty funny. I'll be honest, man. I'd be so fucking nervous acting with a Capuchin monkey. You just show up on set and they're like, oh, no, the monkey. No, the monkey's fine. Just put it on your shoulder. The monkey's fine. No way, dude.

Because all that has to happen is some fucking set person off frame drops a chair. Exactly. And this monkey's eating your fucking face off. Are you kidding me? Look, look, look. They only snatch one out of 45 people's eyeballs. Okay? Trust me.

This monkey was raised in captivity and was very rarely beat. Trust me, these got very few triggers left. Left. Look at these fingernails. They can barely slid a throat. Come on. Dude, and I have no sympathy for that shit. It's like the shit with like Tiger King and all that. Those people too. But I remember years ago, this was like at least at least over 10 years ago locally. It was a woman like Connecticut or maybe I think it was like Greenwich. Maybe Westchester. I don't remember. This woman had her fucking face eaten off by a monkey. And it was like. Like, well, yeah, you're owning a fucking monkey, man. Like, what are we doing? Buy the ticket, take the ride, my friend. That's what happens. Exactly. Like, you know what? You're a little fucking your friend's obsession, watching Ross of his monkey.

Like, oh, isn't that cute? That monkey was a trained fucking thespian that had handlers everywhere. Hey, Mike, Mike. I know, I know you should don't say, but the day finally came. The monkey ate my face. Can you believe it? We've been talking about it for years that this might happen. actually did it. I'm dying. I'm dying. You can't let this fucking monkey be with Jeffrey Rush and the sequels, man, because you're just tempting fate.

Well, speaking of the future installments, did anyone stick around for the stinger scene with the monkey? I did. Oh, sure. Yeah, it's classic. So the monkey takes one of the the golden de blooms and now is also cursed, or the curse stays. I don't know. We'll see next week.

Well, I think that, like, the way I would work with a monkey as an actor is if I'm like, okay, cool. So then what I want is a red assassin's light on the monkey's forehead the entire time. You can remove that in post. But if that monkey goes crazy, you're going to shoot it, right? You're going to murder it? Yeah.

I've got eyes on the monkey. I got, all right. Exactly, dude. What they should have had to pay for was digitally removing the fucking sniper's laser from that monkey's forehead. Exactly. Because that shit was being surveilled the entire time. it was on Jeffrey Rush's shoulder. That's an expensive face, dude.

It totally is. Oh, man. So, yeah, so the thing, the sacrifice doesn't work right because it's got to be Will Turner and not Elizabeth, so she's got bad blood there. They escape after Jeffrey Rush, the second of two times in this movie, he fucking punches her in the face.

She gets hit by one pirate and then she gets hit by Jeffrey Rush here. And it's just like, all right, enough of that, please. They, um, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom intercept them here and then they get captured as well. Well, no, Johnny Depp does. Oh, right. And Will saves her and they escape back to that fucking boat. This is what I'm talking about.

We're just like strategically moving characters in and out of Jeffrey Rush's captivity. I think the problem with this is also like, okay, so it's a movie about pirates. okay so they go to that boat to this boat to that boat oh I can't write you know I can't write rooms or buildings yes exactly I guess I have to write to this boat and then that boat and then this boat right but then like this is where

there's a moment to kind of mix that up a little bit dude and they don't take advantage of it because this is where Jeffrey Rush is like uh like all right there's some back and forth negotiating here or whatever but they wind up making Kieran Knightley and

Jack Sparrow Johnny Depp walk the plank right here and it's it's barbosa being like yeah this is that fucking island i left you on last time motherfucker you're like that well there you are again and off they are in this island and i was like finally we have some characters that are off a boat again like this is great but this is the scene it's like johnny dep tells her about like oh yeah i got saved after three days the last time i was here because these rum runners used to hide booze on this island right so they start drinking the rum but real quick before they really get into that scene Jeffrey Rush tosses his sword and pistol into the drink, as the pirates call it.

The ocean. And Johnny Depp runs and jumps after it. And to get it, you want that once you're on this island by yourself, while with Ms. Swan, the Mad TV character. He goes down to pick it up. And it is a shot of the bottom of the ocean. and he picks it up and pushes his foot against

the bottom of the ocean. I understand it must be shallow enough near an island, but it seems really shallow for him to be able to do that. You're totally right. I didn't even think of that. This enormous fucking ship as well.

I don't know if that would work so well. Just see the boot hit the fucking bottom of the ocean. It's not a skeleton man. They had to digitally delete all of the tourists in the background who were scuba diving, trying to fucking pedamanta ray while this fucking guy was doing

this shit. But we have a little bit of a detour here in one scene that lasts about 47 seconds which is Pirates drunken horny in the Caribbean. Yeah man because the two of them get fucking lit on this

rum and I thought it was a thing first where she was faking it like pretending to be drunk with him but I think she's literally just wasted with Johnny Depp right here. and she regrets it the next day and then burns the fucking rum right and dude him having this fucking freak out about all the rum being burned is kind of funny but this is i mean it's so dumb because it's she's just like okay i lit this fire all of the british navy is looking for me

because of my dad the governor and i guess my betrothed the commodore so don't worry they'll be here soon enough and it just fucking cuts and they're on a boat with jonathan price yeah you're like okay journey. Well, you don't get anything because the whole thing is like, they build up this island is the place where Johnny Depp went mad and all this stuff and that's why he is the way he is, and Orlando Bloom does a really bad impression of him.

I thought it was all right. All right. Different opinions. I mean, he's not fucking taking it out on the road, dude. It's not that kind of an act, but I got what he was doing. And by the way, did you know? Hey, Eric, did you know

that Johnny Depp based this performance. Did you know this? That he based this performance. Of a Keith Richards. What? Wait, wait. Did you read that on the IMDB Tribune trivia? I read it off of everywhere. It's literally. They wouldn't shut up about it. Doesn't Keith Richards appear in one of the

sequels? Yes, he plays his dad. Yeah. Oh, isn't that fun? It's so fun. We got something to look forward to do, don't we? I'm telling you, I told you not to look at it and don't spoil it like I did. That fifth movie has an obscene cameo that I can't even imagine what they fucking do with this guy. Now, please, folks, be cool. Don't tweet it at us. Let us get there. Let's have the conversation together. I mean, exactly. I mean, it's, I mean, like, he, Johnny Depp is eventually just a living corpse who's drinking. So it is Keith Richards. I mean, I, he's a fucking Hollywood vampire. The name is right there in that great band. It's him and what? the Aerosmith guitarist, and I forget who else?

Joe Perry and, yes. Yeah, there's two other dudes. I forget who the other of the three tenors is. No, it's a super group, dude. Oh, nice. So, but no, but to your point, like, they kind of like build this up as like this great island that like things are going to happen and nothing happens

and it kind of is totally inconsequential. It's like they ran out of money or something. Like, what happened? Which can't be the case. no it definitely cannot be the case but yeah I just I don't get it it's very frustrating I know I've brought it up like four times now

this episode what what just bitching about how they don't do anything with this island so the island it's burning and all and they're like oh she's like oh miss swan I'm not gonna do the impression of Miss Swan for Mad TV I'll draw the line there she says oh they'll see us in

in an hour or whatever because everyone's looking for me I'm so important and you'd think that would not be the case and this would be a long adventure on this island. But Johnny Depp walks down the beach and sure enough, Jonathan Price and everyone is fucking already there. It's another instance of, oh, fuck, a boat.

You know what I mean? Like, again, like, you would have saw that coming for an hour already. I don't understand. Like, the boat, I know. Maybe some nautical guy will get at me at Twitter, but, you know, like, it just seems like these boats just appear out of nowhere and everyone's like,

whoa, what? Like, these boats keep sneaking up on this. Also, I spent the last three hours, watching it get here. It's coming. By the way, here we go. Hollywood Vampires, this is straight from Wikipedia, is an American rock

super group formed in 2015 by Alice Cooper. Johnny Depp and Joe Perry to honor the music of the rock stars who died from excess in the 1970s. The band name derives from

that we're honoring these people. Yes. Derives from the Hollywood vampires, a celebrity drinking club formed by Alice Cooper in the 70s, which included but was not limited to John Lennon, Ringo

Star, Keith Moon, and Mickey Dolans. Wow, Mickey Dolans. That's kind of the surprising one. And touring members of this band include Duff McCagan and Matt Storm of Guns and Roses, as well as Steve, you'll appreciate this, Robert DeLeo

from STP. Oh, good for him. Yeah. Getting out there on the road with the Hollywood vampires playing bass. No, he's still, you still, you still, uh, black pearl. STP still fucking, uh, doors. Oh, you best start believing in ghost stories. You're in one. The moonlight shows that they're all skeletons.

What do they, what do they do for singing? I don't, I mean, it was, but that's the thing because it was, it was first with Scott Weiland, and before he even died, they got Chad, uh, Chester Bennington in there. Yeah. But like, it's a fucking haunted ship, dude. you gotta let it go. Like, you know what I'm sorry.

I don't want to hear anyone but Scott Weiland sing those songs. Exactly. It's also like Queen now has Adam Lambert as their main guy. Sure. I'm like stop. It just feels like a cover band

or something at that point. But quick question, I don't, I'm not familiar with the music of the Hollywood vampires and it seems like other esteemed hosts are. How is it? Oh, I don't know.

I've never heard a song. I just knew that they do this. It is, it is, It is New Fart Rock. Oh. And that is NU.

Oh. New Fart Rock. It is garbage. Supergroups, like, and I, you know, I like enough. You know, traveling Wilburys have a few good songs or tin machine. But it's like, it's like that, that Simpsons thing of all the virus is going in the door at the same time. It's just. Three Stooges Syndrome.

Yeah, exactly. As we're in quarantine, if you want to have a, and I mean a good laugh, look up the Wikipedia entry on SuperGree, groups there it's it's all of the names are hilarious it's an amazing listing of and like you'll be super groups you never heard of and all sorts of like wait that guy was

at a super group it's fucking fantastic it is a tour to force Wikipedia page the problem interesting the problem with it though is that there are situations like the Metallica Lou Reed partnership yeah where you could have had an amazing dumb name that would have had the stupidest

name in the world if they actually picked a name for it but it's just Metallica and Lou Reed and I'm like fuck God damn it well I guess in a way like what like foo fighters that's even kind of a super group it's a bit of a super group well because he got Pat Smear and then

there were two dudes from fucking Sunny Day Real Estate were in that band originally oh and that guy Dave Grohl yes yes obviously and then Dave Grohl anyway Pirates sort of like what am I going to do now it was a what am I going to do now group so pirates back to pirates sure we're we're switching boats dude we're sword fighting

oh yeah they they they now uh both elizabeth and will are on the interceptor which is jack davenport's bit boat and they're like oh we're gonna we're gonna go back case closed thanks for bringing her back and it's like oh no no no for some reason we've got to save johnny debt because he's our friend and blah blah blah so they kind of like trick him into like going back for the black pearl as well that's how this kind of works I guess that's the idea yeah like the Commodore

and Jack Sparrow go down to Werto and yeah when they come out the other side of it Jack Sparrow is the one who's fucking like stuck with Barbosa again and they're getting out of there with Elizabeth and Will

and I'm just like again this movie is just fucking running in circles but this is where they're like I think this is I think finally the fucking beginning of the end of it because this is where Johnny Depp's like Hey Barbosa He'll be rad

Was if you went out there before we break this curse And you become humans again Why don't you go out there As invincible skeleton Monsters and murder all those Navy dudes and we have kind of a badass Barbosa line here where he goes

Gents Take a walk And this is, I think, I think the skeletons walking on the bottom of the ocean is cool. It is. I like this part. I also think that like, I need to be convinced as to what the problem with being an invincible skeleton monster

is. You know what I mean? He does kind of say it though, dude. Where she's eating that fake pig. Yeah. He can't eat apples anymore. Yeah, he's like, everything that I eat tastes like ashes in my mouth. I can't feel the wind on my face. I'm like, dude, if you're a fucking pirate

man, and you can't taste boo. and you can't feel the wind on your face man like what are you in the game? What's the fucking situation like what's that feeling? Oh it's also rotten dick dude when the moonlight comes out his dick turns to ash. Oh shit. I think there is there is some kind of line worked into his little monologue there where he says something

about like that but it's like oh and women are less exciting or something like that. His lust could not be slate like he couldn't like he's always horny but he can't be not horny Like even going with like a prostitute Didn't make him not horny He's horny

But he can't get it up That's where he's Ashcock And he's destined to fight cut beard My dude just needs some Cialis man Hook him up Yarr just the little blue chewy Ought to do it It's actually kind of cool

That like Jack Sparrow's like All right here Skeleton guys like Why don't you go kill all these cops That are after me Pretty much dude And then like this is when you're talking about the color palette of this movie being totally washed out

and like absolutely nonsensical when uh elizabeth swan decides to get to the fray here after a lot of business she's wearing this red coat which looks super purple because it's nighttime her hair looks green she looked at the fucking joker at the end of this movie i swear to god as she kind of does dude i didn't think of it until you just said it but as you were putting it together i was like yep by the way trailer line right about here right great trailer Yes I do Why don't you take it away Steve

Oh no I wouldn't want to Yeah she hits somebody over the head It's actually bomb pirate shows back up He's about to get the goods on Will Scarlett He's like I'm gonna show you what pain is And she goes You want to know what pain is Try wearing a corset

Knock on the head I will tell you dude You said Will Scarlet by the way But yeah I've been fighting off saying Will Scarlet this whole conversation theater exploded into a round

oh that's what you gotta have yep and that line it wasn't just the ladies my friend the dudes were in on it too everybody yuckling the whole time Chris was right we got the dudes the dudes are here to party I like that Chris is just like the year 2004 when Disney

finally took the dudes but I understand what I do know because outside of like animated movie when you were a little kid, like, you didn't give a shit about Disney. I mean, I cared about Disney. I mean, I will say, and I will push back a little bit, Aladdin was that.

Aladdin was the way to get dudes. I think, yeah, I think Aladdin actually did for me, right. But that was... Duktales. Dooddales. Dude babies, dude. I think all those... I think all those are pre-the-backlash, like Barney era where like fuck anything that's childish, I'm a man

as a teenager. But like Barney wasn't a Disney product, wasn't? But he was a kid thing. And like, kid's shit was immediately lame for teenage boys. You can blame Nickelodeon for shoving that down our throats. This is also true. So yeah, this is like the fucking 40-minute fight scene in this movie. It's exhausting.

It is. And again, because there's a lot of, there's funny business with Jonathan Price fighting a skeleton hand. That's sort of something. Dude, him being fucking freaked out by this thing hand. Pretty hilarious. And I don't mean John Carpenter's thing. I mean the Adam's family's thing. He puts in a drawer.

It's very fun. Now what you want to do with the monkey hand is you want to wrap it around your cock. You see, you do that and then you go up and down with it. Up and down, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, yes, yes. I'm sorry, just gentlemen. You want the monkey hand the fucker?

Sorry. No, that's our thesis. We're done. I'm sorry, this quarantine is now finally broken. Oh, I did it. Oh, dude, yeah. Oh, also, the hilarious thing about, oh, fuck, I had something, now it's fucking gone. Oh, Steve, you're talking about a fucking little bomb guy.

His fucking hilarious thing is she takes the bomb and shoves it inside his skeleton rib cage. And then they walk out of the moonlight and he becomes a person again and explodes. Now, here's the thing. Are we missing out on a scene where that guy pieces himself back together? Absolutely. That has to be what happens. Right? Right? Because there's supposed to be these invincible undead monsters. Unless you could like, unless you bury him across the globe. That's how you fucking take care of this Barbosa fucker. Like, oh, cool, you're invincible. No, I'm going to cut off all your limbs and scatter them.

You know, if this had like dead alive level of gory shit, like we would all love this. Oh, yeah. Oh, I mean, if this was Peter Jackson's, you know, like 1999 Peter Jackson. and kind of thing, you'd be, you'd be way into it. I just saw some of those fucking completely unwatchable movies of his are on Amazon like kind of restored, I think. Yeah. I mean, you would at least

get one cool shark death. Nothing. I guess that's all for the second one is when you get to sea deaths. I mean, that's a great point, Chris. Where the fuck are the sharks? Where are the critters of the ocean? I think it's the second one. There's a rad shot. It's, I don't remember

where it comes in the movie, but it's like, you're looking up from underwater and there's a ton of sharks like swimming around I think it's when they're pulling into like scallywagg fuck island or something Ah never mind I'm full up I already had a brodie

had a brodie this morning Well in the second movie Eric I think you might appreciate this in part two I believe there's a cracket Oh I'm excited we'll see we'll see that next week I would like the brodies to be established as like Commodores of the

1600s and they had like a tit for tat with the local sharks and it became this blood viewed for centuries. That makes a lot of sense. It was a curse. Commodore Brody took the last piece of Aztec gold and now all these sharks are after forever.

And the sharks like, my babies are going to eat your babies one day. Forever and ever an endless circle of violence. Somewhere in this fight scene, just looking at my notes here, There's another great moment where a skeleton fires a gun. Yes, please. Totally, man. You know, the skeletons look good enough for, you know, like you said, a 17-year-old movie, but I feel like a part of it, they don't look good enough to keep them on the screen this goddamn

much. Yeah. No, you're totally right. I just, the image of a skeleton firing a gun is just one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. It's one of the best things I've seen in my life. To exemplify how long this thing goes on for, there's a lot of business with McKenzie Crook and the other guy dressing as ladies and if you are a dad in the audience your knee hurts from the slapper your knee is raw from the

slapping. You took me to the urgent care after the screening. I hurt my fucking knee. They don't have bad. Blue my knee out laughing at the movie. Yeah, can't no, can't play

flag football with you. Johnny, ever since you Pirates of the Caribbean, 2003, blew me my knee out. He did their pants. Did that pair. Unbelievable dresses out of our fans. Mackenzie, McKenzie Crook has some line right here where he's like, oh, reminds me of the time we were, like, somewhere. I don't remember what the exact line is, and it's like, man, oh man, this is rich with comedy. I do want to mention something, because people are going to comment if we don't mention it.

now apparently there's like an ammunition shortage or something and eventually someone puts silverware in a cannon all right yeah and it shoots out and a fork gets one of these guys in the eye oh man that's dumb that is so fucking dumb it's too much it's just too much like you're trying to sell me you're trying to preemptively sell me on some bullshit straight to DVD spin-off special feature fuck around and I don't appreciate it I see right through that It's like the Pirates, Harry and Lloyd, what are they up to now? Exactly. It's the same logic thread.

It's only they didn't do it. It's almost like this was adapted from an amusement park ride and had no earthly business being anything but that. It's been an hour and a half, but we haven't talked about that yet. But yeah, this is, it's exactly in a fucking amusement park. Come to life, dude. And I think that's fine, but you know what? That ride is fucking nine minutes long. Yeah, exactly.

And it's a thrill ride. It's a thrill ride. This is fucking like, thrill, be. Thrill be. The movie, the thing that's killing this movie is the fucking runtime. If they cut every scene in half in terms of time. Yep, absolutely. I would be like, this is a fucking great movie, guys.

No doubt about it, dude, absolutely. I'm just saying, if you're going to do that, I want a Splash Mountain movie. I want a Triceratop spin movie. Well, you were going to get a Jungle Cruise movie and then, sadly, the COVID pushed it back. Well, you're right. Now, Jungle Cruise was another ride. I believe so, yeah. I've never been to any Disney iteration whatsoever.

I really want to go now that Galaxy's Edge is around, but I know everything's closed. But anyway, so I have no frame of reference for any of this type of shit. I didn't do, I think when I, I've been to Disney World, the one in Florida, one time. And I think at that time,

we're talking, let's say, 2000, maybe 1999. I think the Pirates Ride might have been closed at least when I was there I don't know if like for good or something

there was humigation I was on I went I went in 2000 and I want to say 12 or 13 I was working for a Disney property at the time

so I got in pretty cheap me and my wife so we like had a whole whole week there we had a blast and we went on the Pirates ride in Disney World

and guess who's there Cap Jack Sparrow no they updated it they updated it my friend I want the 1950s one that's like super racist Exactly

Oh no More rum and less Chinese Like what is this I think I also remember they'd like They'd to cut part of it out Because like Like there's like pirates like running after women And like grabbing them and shit

That was a classic thing Did they get rid of that? I don't remember I wasn't grabbed Nor was my wife No horny pirates No no not grabbing people in the audience Oh but just grabbing other Yeah, I don't remember it.

Yeah, that only happens in the Mad Men ride. Welcome to Mad Men World, the carousel. Life goes round and around. Would you like to... Would you like to... Would you like to bungee jump into the credits? You could use Pete Campbell's rifle to shoot at little things. You get to drunkenly drive that lawnmower around, cut that dude's fucking foot up.

My favorite part of the Pete Campbell section of the... ride is when he's fucking getting horny in driver's ed up in Connecticut. That episode rules. Just to actually watch that episode. But yeah, so like whatever. Like Johnny Depp is, you know, you're like, oh, is he a bad guy? No, he winks at Orlando Bloom, that he's in on it with him, that they're going to fuck

over Barbosa here. This is when Barbosa thinks he's got Johnny Debs him in the heart. But uh-oh, he actually has some of the pirate gold. So now he's a skeleton man Absolutely And dude Johnny Depp's skeleton man Looks because like I think it's one of those things Where it's like of course

For Jeffrey Rush and Johnny Depp Being Skeletons It's like we got to put the most work into them Yes Like they got to look the best kind of a thing But they really go overboard with Johnny Depp And dude it just looks like the Cripkeeper Yeah

Cripkeeper looks better It does Crip people look better Is that what you said? I think cryptkeeper looks better and I guess it's probably because it's just practical effects Yeah, because it's got actually lights hitting an object Yes, that's yeah

Yeah, so this was the fight scene that I was talking about Where they're going in and out of the moonlight Turning from Skeletons and Not, you know, but again, like This would be cool if it wasn't the 14th fucking sword fight Exactly, yeah I'm just exhausted by the time I get to this fight And you know, Barbosa gets, Johnny Depp shoots Barbose in the heart

and he's like, ha ha, I'm a skeleton, but uh-oh, Orlando Bloom has already reversed the curse, so now he's a real man and he's dead. And then you cut to this pirate ship that were like killing all these British and they're killing a lot of British dudes. They start getting murdered. And I'm like, okay, this is a movie.

This is some weird logic here, though, because I'm like, okay, so Jeffrey Rush could shot. Then the gold with the blood hits the chest and then it's just like, oh yeah, whatever injury you had is just what you have now as a mortal. And everyone starts dropping like flies. It's like, no, no, no, double tap. This is the part where you kill them again.

Exactly. Yeah, I think what you're seeing is a lot of dudes like that at the time of the curse breaking had like a sword in them or something like that. I guess that's fair. But you're totally right, dude, you got to be cutting fucking eyeballs out of skulls at this point. These are skeleton pirates, dude. You don't know what's going on.

Mass decapitation should happen right when the curse lifts. and then fucking burn those heads, dude, just like John Carpenter's vampires. But you're asking for another fucking... This is like Sepirov having two forms. Like, you're asking for another fight. There's going to be another sword fight. Yeah. That's going to happen.

It's going to be long as fuck. I guess that's the thing is that's why this whole plot could be condensed a bit. And like half an hour ago, we could have gotten to this and then had this sort of fight with a now caporeal Jeffrey Rush. Yeah. Exactly, dude. Because then, not for nothing, you'd have a fight scene with some fight. fucking steaks in it. Exactly. Exactly. You know. So Johnny Depp's like, hey, I saved the day. Uh-oh. Now you're arrested for

being a pirate. Dude, he gets arrested fucking six times in this movie. I can't stand it. Lifted a fucking mystical curse. Yeah, you got priors, dude. I'm sorry. So the last-ish scene is Johnny Depp's hanging, which I'm sure people are excited for, but sadly he doesn't go. we get to see some bird shit falls on to the I guess the same fun guards from the start of the film dude those guys are in this movie a lot

they're explaining the ending they really are the guy's like I think he may as well have just leaned over to his other buddy there and he's like well you know we've had a lot of fun here today on Pirates of the Caribbean to just do a catch up

we met Captain Jack Sparrow we met Elizabeth Swan we met our good friend Will Turner they had quite the adventure a bird just shit on my sheldon what's that a tropical bird here in the tropics oh no it must be pirates dude it's like insane how before this whole hanging scene happens

you're like fantastic this movie is over with I don't think so 15 minute epilogue scene and it's another fucking to do where like Will comes up and he's like oh by the way Elizabeth I've loved you this whole time yep this is a suicide note bye and like runs to fucking save Johnny Depp

there's a bit with like Johnny Depp and the executioner that's not really that by the way the sword thing that was set up that I explained earlier guess what happens it happens right here dude there's some rope fighting here

a little bit of rope fighting and I'm just sitting here some dudes I'm just wondering when the fucking credits are coming I'm like the dude waiting for that boat on the horizon like come on get here credits

I can see you when is the curse going to be lifted the curse of the movie seriously and so it's he's finally you know freed and whatnot and you know kira nightly is just like oh by the way jonathan price uh i want to fuck will turner i do not want to fuck this dude uh who i believe is like 18 years older than i am but that's the thing is he cuckbeard here he goes like because like at first it's like i want every pirate dead and then it's like well i want to fuck a pirate well then all pirates are all

right, I guess. It's like, no, that would only make you matter at pirates. Now, I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate. Well, that's what happens, Kevin. That's what happens. But I think it's a thing where it's like, he truly loves her, you guys. So he wants her to be happy. Got it.

So it's like, well, if she's cool, pirates, I'm cool the pirates. It's like him giving, yeah, giving her up, like, well, you know, treat her right or whatever. But he really should have just been like, you know, the government I work for taxation is theft, actually. It's kind of like I'm a pirate He goes to full libertarian

Commodore Ron Paul And Jonathan Price is just like Well my dear If this is what you want But you do know He's a blacksmith And she goes No

He's a pirate And they just start fucking tongue kissing Right in front of this old fucker I mean they are living in a future tax haven Right They're all pirates Yeah, and like Johnny Depp gets away And like at some point

The guy with the killer sideburns takes over the black pearl And they're like, are you gonna go save Johnny Depp? And he's like, no And then later on, oh, here he is, he saves Johnny Depp, that's great. There's this all this, yeah, well, because it's all this horseshit about like the pirate code And that's like with parley and it's also with like if a pirate gets left behind like you don't go back for him. Fuck that guy. But like pirate code is like college rules pretty much.

Oh, dude, you, you spilled that beer. He got to lick it off the floor, brother man, pirate code. Oh, man, I've fucking been there. Oh, boy. A lot in common with old school. There's definitely characters in both movies named Frank the tank. Yeah, and it's the same era of filmmaking, right? I think they were both the same year.

I think they were both 2003. Sounds right. And so, yeah, then it's, they come back for him, surprise, surprise, eyes because Johnny Depp, like, to escape, just kind of jumps off of this keep wall or whatever. The very keep wall that Kura Knightley fell off of.

A little symmetry for you. Look at that. Now Orlando Bloom wants to fuck him. Yeah, exactly. This bookends at the Orlando Bloom wanting to fuck people. I'm sure Tumblr was or whatever or a live journal

must have been going crazy with the slash for this movie. Someone hit me up with great Will Turner, Jack Sparrow, Slash, maybe we'll read a segment. Oh, I like this idea. Oh, absolutely. We got four more movies to get through. We got to do something.

I want Sparrow and Barbosa, if we could. A little anger, a little tension. What about a little bit of cock beard? Like Norrington's putting his fucking finger in your ass to do that. Oh, yeah. Oh, excellent. So, yeah, Johnny Depp gets fucking control of the Black Pearl once again.

He says, yeah, yada yada, the pirate's life for me. Yo-ho, cut to credits. And then the stinger scene, yeah, the monkey, the monkey steals the gold. And I think it revives Jeffrey Rush's the idea. Yeah, that's something, something. But I do appreciate that this monkey, man, this monkey like swims back to this hideout. Because the last time you see this monkey, it's in skeleton form.

And Kira Knightley like bashes it over the head and it falls off the boat. But this monkey, when it gets up to the little treasure pile, you definitely just see Jeffrey Rush's corpse still just lay down on all this fucking gold It's sad for the monkey because he doesn't understand Like you I know I was trying not to think about it Because listen dude you can finally taste bananas again

Dude you're back You're back And then he's going up to his little friend Barbosa He's like oh Barbosa look I can taste bananas again Barbosa Barbosa why are you sleeping I just

He takes the gold then at the end and he's cursed again by the quote unquote heathen gods by the way. Yeah. I just feel really bad for the fucking like paper pusher in hell who's like I just put his soul

with the fire wolverines okay. Fuck, I have to get him back up now. Fuck, shit. Okay. You know what? Why am I the guy that volunteered to take the animal souls to hell? No more curses, guys. That's it. I'm serious.

Barbosa 2. Fuck. God damn it. Yeah, I'm transferring out of curses. This is ridiculous. I'm putting in for a transfer. It's ruining my home life. You know, I wanted to do this because I wanted to work for Beelzebub. Okay? That's who I wanted to work

with, but this is bullshit. Oh, fuck, man. Wouldn't anybody recommend this way too long movie? It's kind of, I mean, and you know, it's only going to get worse from here. This whole enterprise, in case you're wondering, is kind of like when you're on a long car trip and you're like I don't know man

let's just put on a fucking let's put on a long audio book to get us out of this this is kind of what we're hoping to do with the coronavirus but I don't think it's gonna work exactly dude we're gonna we're gonna hide under a pile of Pirates of the Caribbean DVDs and everything will be fine exactly but no I this is kind of a

it's a god tier hangover movie because like it has to be like you have to have been pirates drunk the night before because it's so long and so quiet it's got that stuff going for it and there are little drips and dabs Deps performs is good enough

Jeffrey Rush is really good in this and like some of the cinematography is fun the pirates you know what I mean like if you're not paying super attention it's okay but it's but it only gets worse from here I yeah I definitely agree with that 100% because if you

fall asleep during a sword fight you can wake up to another sword fight. Or maybe the same fucking sword fight, dude, I don't know. It could be. Yeah, so I agree in that term that it is a very good hangover movie and that you could miss

whole parts of it and it will be reiterated at some point so you'll be fine. Eric Siskin. Well, I want to start this really quick by apologizing for violating the credo of it's okay to like a movie. I hadn't seen flag last flying. I didn't know it was Linklater actually. Oh, yeah,

I would say solid wreck dude? Yeah, I'll maybe look into it and, you know, I just wanted to say that. I was, I was dunking on it and I feel bad. Anyway, Pirates of the Caribbean. My thoughts begin as such. Of all the things to apologize for. What? Of all the things to apologize for. That, well, that's the only thing, yeah. In this episode, anyway. All right, I'm going to skip a head here a little bit. I think Jeffrey Rush is good. I think Johnny Depp is pretty good. He's a little too much at times. Orlando Bloom and Kira Knightley are just like window dressing. props to this movie, really. But I would definitely agree that it is a superb hangover movie because it's almost like it was inspired by the serials to such a degree that it's become a full season of television

that you're watching. Right? Like, it's really fucking over stuff. But I remember liking it when it came out on re-evaluation. I did not hold it in such esteem. I would probably never put it on again unless I was hungover.

Yeah, I mean, it's fine. You know, I agree with everything that you guys said. I do think, Steve, I think Godtier hangover movie is a great way to describe this. Although, probably wouldn't recommend it after a night of rum drinking specifically. A little loud? Yeah, it might not want to touch the stuff. But yeah, it's just like, especially if you can get this movie on TNT, the Super Station. Or, you know, I mean, they're all just like flopped onto Disney Plus now.

So you can even marathon this whole thing. and just pound vitamin water until you're feeling better but it's just if you fall asleep during sword fights or when someone's switching ships and shit in this movie you might be a little lost

but it doesn't really matter because it's a Disney movie and everything fucking works out in the end anyway and there's no stakes. I will say these movies I think like the villains are the thing that really hold it together

from the ones that I've seen and I do think Bill Nihi also in the next movie is a lot of fun so I guess stay tuned for that maybe is what I'm leaving off my comments on the first movie is I guess just wait till the second movie

I don't know but yeah we are keeping it going man all five pirates movies are going to be covered on this feed we got some special guests coming in to do some of these it's going to be a lot of pirate related mania here on we hate movies by the way if you're not down for that obviously we already

mentioned the ring is coming to the Patreon patreon patreon.com slash we hate movies but also tons of archived episodes tons of we love movie episodes it's not like we're not putting out tons of other stuff all over the place, including on this very totally free zero dollars feed, Melro

210, right, Steve Sadeh? That's right. That's another thing that your dad's putting on to get you to this fucking goddamn resort that's taken forever, which is out the outside world. It's a podcast wherein on Mondays we review an episode of Barely Hills 902. I know the original. And on

Thursdays we review an episode of Melrose Place, the original. The original. Oh, yeah. So lots of stuff. lined up for you, but this has been Pirates of the Caribbean, colon, Curse of the Black Pearl, from 03, directed by Mr. Gore Vrbinski, all that Patreon stuff we did mention. It's all there. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Go check out that stuff. And no reason to, to announce what it is, you know. Next week, we are Pirates of the Caribbean, colon, dead man's

chest, I believe. Yep, sure. This is the, uh, Nihis coming to town. Nih is coming to town. It's a movie about a rib cage. Looks like, he's got like a fucking octopus face. It's pretty ridiculous. And I think a boat straight up explodes in this movie. Actually, great call. Davy Jones, octopus face. Send me the slash with that fucking tentacle shit in it.

Definitely. That exists too. Oh, yeah. Absolutely, dude. All fucking tentacle shit you need or you have, rather. Send it our way because we need it. So until next week with. Pirates of the Caribbean. Dead man's chest. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Yara Steven Zadak. Captain Siska. Yo-ho, Chris Cabin. Take it easy.