We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 483 - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (with Chelsea Jupin)

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

On this week's episode, Pirate Fever infects the whole apartment as Chelsea Jupin joins Andrew (in-studio) and the rest of the gang (online) to chat about the second of... ugh... five films in the franchise, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest! Why couldn't this have been a slick 100 minutes? Why did they insist on jamming those two dummy pirates down our throats? And is this tentacle stuff doing it for anyone else? PLUS: Please enjoy the killer new cover of our theme song, courtesy of the very talented Elliot Weeks from Seattle, WA—thanks, dude! Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest stars Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Bill Nighy, Jack Davenport, Jonathan Pryce, Stellan Skarsgård, Tom Hollander and Naomie Harris; directed by Gore Verbinski. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, it's like four movies stacked inside one movie. It's Pirates of the Caribbean colon, Dead Man's Chest. I'm Andrew Jupin. Overstuffed Steve Sadek. Arrixe Sick. Crabhead Cabin. Chelsea Jupin. And we hate movies.

I'm gonnae. I'm gonnae. You know? Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. for tuning in as always. That's right. The pirate mania continues around here with the second one Dead Man's Chess from 2006 directed by Gore Verbensky. And suffering through it with us this week is of course Chelsea Juppen. My wife

and quarantine partner. Hello. Hello. How you doing? I haven't seen you in a while. I know. I think it's been about two seconds. We did all sorts of stuff today. We sat in front of computers. We unloaded groceries. It's been a real, real blast around here took the dog out wearing face masks because that's how you have to do it now uh so yeah pirate fever has settled in here on the show and i will say this is the one i've seen the most times you saw this more than once i definitely did this was the this movie came out the last summer i worked at the multiplex as a projection right it was right after we graduated from college yeah so i

had like the late closing shift working in the booth and So I saw like the last 20 minutes of this movie a ton and then I would go out to Taco Bell like one o'clock in the morning when it was over with and go get dinner. But then yeah, it was dude, it was just Andrews buying DVDs and I was watching this. It sucks. I was telling Steve earlier that I've never so felt a movie happening at me. Like it just passed through me and it was like a kidney stone cabin. Yeah, but not like oh my at least a kidney stone there's pain. and their struggle but like Jesus

it was just nothing Is your hair all blown out like Ernie Hudson and Ghostbusters too with the ghost train I'm just picturing Cabin watching all these actors with their heads on pikes

and he's screaming Hey Chris What was the What was in the dead man's chest I missed it Was this anyone's first time With this Pirates movie? No

No I mean I saw this the theaters like everyone else or I assume and by the way it's okay to like a movie and I will say the costumes are nice. I like the fish people. I'm a fan of them. I saw this. This is my only my second time

seeing this. The first time I was staunchly against that first Pirates movie so I just avoided this in theaters and my dad had a sick bootleg for a while. My dad was getting bootlegs and we would go over there to hang out. He would just put on a boot and there were though the

worst movies of all time. The only ones I remember specifically were this, which took fucking forever. You could imagine how long this movie would be on a bootleg like with zero, with like worst sound quality and worst special effect. Half out of focus. Exactly. This and that terrible

Will Ferrell, which might be the worst movie ever made, that Land of the Lost movie. Oh, dude, that was a hard skip. I saw it once, but I remember it being bad and I never went back to that one. I saw this in theaters. I saw the first one and liked it. I haven't heard your guys episode on it yet, so I don't know.

I thought it was fun, but this one I did not enjoy. I also had an annoying theater-going experience, seeing this one. I went with my sister. We were in the first row, which is like my least favorite thing to do. And it was because we'd gotten into a fight in the parking lot with someone who, like, poop, like came in and stole the spot as we were turning into it. fucking parking space terrorist yeah and so i've kind of wondered if i misjudged this movie because of that experience um i don't i think it was fair

you were likely generous yeah maybe quick question at the top of the show uh before it gets away from us do you guys think that hentai kind of influenced anything here oh probably it's a lot of tentacle stuff and i'm glad you wouldn't let that get away eric I'm glad you were free. You saw it slipping away and you're like, no, no, no. I was like, wait, wait, wait, because Eric is totally right here, though. This movie is doing it for a lot of people.

Absolutely. It's not just the Cracken, but it's this fucking army of barnacle pirates, dude. Some of these fish fuckers have squid stuff that could go places, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, are these, like, is everyone like, everyone a former sailor that becomes a fish or they're actual fish people as well?

No, I think it's, you become a sailor, and I looked this up a little bit, you can tell who's been on the ship the longest, the more fishy they are. Yeah, exactly. Because there's that dude that's like fucking built into the wall, like a Harry Potter character. There's a guy who has like a tree branch for a face.

So like he's got to be the oldest one. I just kind of want to like six months in, Will Turner just wakes up. He's like, Dad, dad, my willie's a bronzino. What happened? Dad! So wait, your whole cock is.

turning into a fish? Yes. It's different for everybody, Andrew. It's different for everybody. Now, now, calm down, son. It happens to us all it does. Yeah, dude, it's just to write a passage. It's like fucking teen wolf.

I got myself a cord down there. Hey, hey, you better not be catch of the day in there. I don't know. I will say this movie makes the huge mistake. It's a mistake of that I think this, and certainly the next one do, which I did see in theaters. the only one I did see in theaters, is that

the mythology and the lore and the story has to be so big. Why can't this just be Pirates of the Caribbean to the hunt for somebody's de blooms? Absolutely. Looking for a treasure chest somewhere. There's some back dealing, but it's all

and you can have some scary stuff because the first one had it, but like relatively simple. Yes, but this is how you get people really coming back for number three, which you are already making at this point. But I do appreciate that this movie has, like, a pseudo-negative empire-type ending to it. Yeah.

I think it's unnecessary. I agree, but I just don't think that this series needs to go quite so gloomy. It should just be about Johnny Depp fucking around. Like, it's a Disney kids movie based on a ride. It is a weird tone for it to take. Wait a second, guys. I totally forgot. We have our resident Florida expert.

in the studio because in the last episode we were trying to think about that ride and whatnot so Chelsea you grew up in Miami you went to Disney World a lot did you go on that ride sure what are we talking

what do you mean it looks like the movies okay that was a dumb question was it like an action show kind of ride were you in a cart were you in a boat you're in a boat

like on a track it's kind of more like hey look around than anything. The pirates don't really interact with you. So it's not like the jungle cruise where there's like interaction. Wait, the Rock's talking

to you and Jungle Cruise ride? I'll be honest. The Rock is playing. I don't know. I'll be honest. I was doing a lot of looking around while watching it. I was looking around at anything else that was in the house. Just like the line. Chelsea, since you've got, because I mean, I must have gone to Disney twice once as a kid, once as an adult.

I remember specifically the adult. I remember specifically the adult time Johnny Depp was there. Do you remember it pre-pirates the movie? Because they did change it. I went to Disney World the last time this summer the first one came out. So I haven't seen the Johnny Deppide

Pirates. But that when you went, so you went summer of three when this first one came out? Was the ride open then? Because it wasn't it closed for a while or something? I don't remember. Or they had to change it to make it like kind of more family friendly once the movie came out? Because it wasn't there like pirates like running after ladies?

and stuff like that. Yeah, I feel like they had to have kept that. That's kind of a staple of the ride. The thing I know is that they did add like a Johnny Depp. So there's like a straight-up- Oh, it's an animatronic? Yeah, they're all animatronic. Oh, I thought these were people running.

No, no, no, no. Oh, this ride's getting worse all the time. It's pretty much. A wet hall of presidents, pretty much. Basically, yes, yeah. Yeah, a dark wet hall of presidents. That's the perfect way to describe it. We should get behind that.

which is why they kind of had to close it because there was a rash of people jerking off in the boats for a while Oh sure. Yeah that just You know what's a good thing and it's a way that this starts off for a minute I thought this was the November rain video

For a second there I thought Axel was going to come out and go I'm November rain I was really But then I was like oh no fuck it's this two and a half hour movie He should have been there was a I read this in the last one that Jimmy Buffett was approached to be a pirate in the last movie.

And he was too busy. What? That's insane. I just, could you imagine being like somebody like, um, hold for Jimmy Buffett, please? And it's like,

what? This is just Jimmy Buffett Industries. There's a Margaritaville in New Mexico that's opening up, baby. Time to do an appearance. With this movie, they might want to put like a,

like a seashell on his hat or something. And he was like, man. Oh, do you think he was like, I demand to look exactly how I look at all times. Like continuity. be damned. Like Hawaii doesn't exist. You can't be wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Look, I'll do it if I get to play the guy who brought margaritas to the pirates. I want to teach Jack Sparrow how to make a margarita. Oh, no, mole out of rum, you know me. What's that? I just want to say, I know that Hawaii existed, but that it wasn't a state. Correct. Also, probably Hawaiian shirts did not. That's the thing I was saying.

Welcome to the show, Chelsea. You do want to stop those tweets in real time. You do. You really do. Absolutely. Absolutely. I like bringing the margaritas to the pirates. It sounds like a Thanksgiving type of thing. You know what it could be.

Honestly, and I bet they had this written for if the cameo went down. He's like playing some like dirtbag dude, maybe a pirate, maybe not. And he's just like, oh, there, Jack Sparrow. How about this? A little tequila. And Jack Spirrow like spits in his face And he's like, sorry, love, rum only. What, I would go all full hog.

Maybe it's Pirates of the Caribbean to search for the enchanted last lost shaker of salt. Like, you know what I mean? Maybe it grants immortality, you know. Look, everybody, we're going to set course for the cheeseburger in paradise, savvy. They got to get to the world's end because that's where the salted rim is. We got to lick the salted rim, love. now we just need a giant lime this movie I guess more or less

picks up where the last one left off to a degree it's their wedding day it's raining Alanis Morissette fans and like what you don't want to have happen on your wedding days for the government to storm into the venue and demand your arrest and immediate execution

why do you think my wedding was so small I don't want anyone catching on go go go go this is crazy though because it's like they even like she's the governor of this province or whatever this territory's you know daughter and this guy just coming from the outside who's like a lord so i guess that's i don't know what the royal hierarchy is but he yes he is east indian trading company chris eric it's lord becket the most evil motherfucker that's ever existed Lord Beckett.

Inform the commander that Lord Beckett's shuttle has arrived. He's like the main villain in other than like the squid face. He is like the main villain of this series. But I've never seen a villain do so little. Yeah. Like this dude does in this movie. This dude does dittily dick. Yeah.

Well, that's the, it's so, this movie is so diffuse in what it's trying to do. There's so many little side quests. And like later on, the two comedic, McKenzie Crook and the other guy, You have to be like, all right, there's a three-sided sword fight. Let me tell you the audience, what the fuck's even happening? Dude, Chelsea and I were talking about this before we went on the air. Like, if your movie has to stop dead, so two obnoxious tertiary characters. So your Rosencrantz and Gildenstern can tell you what's going on.

Get the fuck out of here. Now, is everyone playing along at home? But at the same time, right before they did that, I had copied and pasted some of the Wikipedia plot summary into my notes because I was so confused. Of course you did, though. Then when they explained it, I was like, oh, thanks, guys. That's not your fault. But it's like, if your movie, if you have characters in your movie doing that and like, yeah, you're kind of like playing it off as a joke, it also means that you're concerned your audience isn't going to follow the movie. And that's a problem.

Bob Iger was like, what the fuck is this movie? And they're like, all right, we need to have somebody explain it to him. Who better than our two best, most favorite, hilarious side pirates of all time, these two guys. Disney Plus had existed, they would have gotten their own, like, shorts, series, everything. Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, God, you're right. That'd be Disney negative.

Come on. I mean, there's, there's scenes in this feel like extras that you would put on a DVD extra thing. Yeah. Like the Lloyd and what's his name from Get Smart fucking thing. Absolutely. Sure. Yep. But they just shoved it into this movie to make it fucking two and a half hours.

Ever since I stopped working for Disney, I've been Disney negative. actually. What's the deal with this like torture palace in the opening here? It's like at a Game of Thrones like this dude's getting his eyes eaten out by crows.

Is this a coffin factory part? Yes. When there's like dudes that are just like my job is a coffin tosser. Yep. Coffin comes down. I toss it into the water. And it is the most brutal

and awesome part of this movie and the crow eating the dude's eye out. I'm like, oh shit, get Odin on the case here, man. It rules, but it doesn't do anything. And I don't know, like, this is where he gets the map, which is what the shape of the key is. Correct. And I will say keeping in line with the first movie, he does also have a cool entrance in this movie. I do like him shooting through the coffin and doing kind of like a Bugs Bunny thing with the gun as like a periscope almost.

Nobody gives me an Osama bin Laden funeral love. Dude, if you think they gave bin Laden. in the box dude you got another thing coming now yeah they gave him an apartment in New York City is what they gave him I'll show you those documents he's in the Davy Jones's locker now right

because he got thrown in the ocean and the ocean is dominated by the ocean's devil which we come to know is Davy Jones and his flying Dutchman oh so it's been like it's been about a decade do you think what kind of fish parts do you think Osama's got at this point well he's definitely got that cod dick you were talking

but that beard he definitely has some squid or some octopus I think sure I think the octopus beard actually looks pretty good and I think the CGI really holds up in this movie I was surprised I was too Bill Nahi rules and looks really cool in this

movie he does but it's also it's so much that I was like how much is Bill Nye even there did he like come to set has he it's a bit much I think I don't know I think you're right Because he's also not the main source of, like, the conflict. There's so much other bullshit going on that he just kind of gets drowned out.

But it's ass because he's supposed to be the villain of the movie. You would think, wouldn't you? You would fucking think. No, we spend more time with fucking dumb cannibals than we do figuring out what the hell his shit is. Yeah, so they get arrested. Cura Nightly, for the first half of this movie and some towards the middle is aggressively horny. That's like her only character trait. Dude, she's biting this lower lip.

I thought she was going to start to bleed, dude. It was insane. She's looking at Johnny Depp that way. She's looking at that fucking pirate that looks like Neil Young that way. It's just very weird for your only female character essentially. Like, that's all, because she's like, oh, it's supposed to be my wedding day. And I get it. You know what I mean?

Hey. But who's not horny on their wedding day? Also, it's a women in prison film for a while with her. I didn't remember this movie all that well, even though I have seen this one more than the last one. but I was like, is she locked in this cage the whole film? Yes. Thankfully, she's not, but I was like, is this the way the wind's blowing here with this movie?

We might have gotten more Jonathan Price that way, though. That would have been a trade-up, but like she could have escaped or something. Instead, what it comes down to is Lord Beckett's like, okay, I'll have you leave then. You find the compass. Well, right, because Jonathan Price like tries to get her broken out, or is that how she gets locked up in the

first place? She gets locked up multiple times. She gets locked up at the wedding, and then Jonathan Price does try to break her out. She gets locked up again, and then something happens where she's able to have like a little one-on-one with Lord Beckett, and then they realize they could

work together. Right. Jonathan Price, barters, she gets arrested, Will gets sent off to find Jack Sparrow's magical compass. Yes, I said that correctly. And, you know, I have to say about the compass really quickly, at no point in that first movie is it ever hinted at,

as far as I could tell, that that compass is magic. It's like he's just this drunk that's looking at this compass. That doesn't work. Yeah, and like, ha ha, it doesn't work. And that's like the end of the story. Nope, magic. And you need the magic compass to find the magic piece of cloth that outlines the magic ring to find the magic ring to open the magic chest.

Dude, it is really something. Quite a lot. So Kira Knightley escapes because Jonathan Price Bart is for her freedom, but then this guy double crosses her. And then when he double crosses her, she escapes into the night. And then this is when she confronts him with a gun. And he's like, all right, you're not just escaping. Now you have to find the compass or whatever.

This guy's motivation, I guess, is he wants the chest to control the seas. The trading routes, right? because he's the East India Trading Company or whatever. I do appreciate this film and this franchise for moving towards this direction of like, you know what's worse than pirates love, companies. Yeah, totally. Incorporated businesses. It does have, I mean, and the last movie has this a little bit,

but this one more so is like the real evil, like pirates are a source of freedom as opposed to corporate slavery question mark. Right. And like he even has a speech. I think it's with Karen Knightley. about how, or maybe he's talking with Jonathan Price about how, like, you know, pirates are, like, passe,

and, like, the lifestyle of Jack Sparrow is, like, a thing of the past and blah, blah, blah. So it's kind of interesting that these movies are set at this point where it's, like, there's a changing in society a little bit here. Sort of like the ass end of piratry almost. But, yeah, so I think the thing, though, is doesn't he want the compass explicitly?

Because the compass, like, the compass, this we come to learn points you towards the direction of whatever it is in life that you want the most. Okay. That's trading routes for everyone. Yeah, yeah. I can find my fucking refrigerator, guys. I got it. That's what my beard food is. That's all I've got these days. It's trading roots, but it's also like you have, you control the agent of Davy Jones. Like, Davy Jones can do all your wet work. Right. So like if a rival trading company, you can make a squall. happen. I don't know. Ooh, get some squalls going.

Maybe. With a crackin, right? Squall is just a word I know. Yeah, you control the crackin. Anyway. Oh, the movie White Squall with Jeff Bridges and Scott Wolfe.

And Ethan Embry and like a whole bunch of other 97 dreamboats. Ryan Phillipie, I've seen it many times and many sleepovers. It was a dreamboat movie. I never saw it.

It was a real dreamboat movie. Isn't there a trial in that? movie, though, for some reason? Yeah, like they're taken to maritime court. I don't know. By that point, all the dream boats are dead. You were in court for being a dream boat. Jeff Bridges,

you will now hang from the next hill dead for the murder of exactly 21 dream boats. Is that what that movie's about? Like, Jeff Bridges kills kids because of the squall? Oh, it's the storm. The storm did it. Yeah. The storm told me to do it. I also haven't seen this movie since I was at a sleepover.

So if I'm remembering wrong, apologies. I thought about two years ago. It's awfully boring. Were you at a 13-hour grossie? I was. I was in the minute. And there are just like a lot of, there are like a lot of tight white teas in there, man. It's looking good.

At the sleepover or in the movie? At the sleepover too. Speaking of, I've been kind of circling this movie for possible future episode. and I've never seen it, but I remember the trailer being ridiculous. As a Dreamboat movie, Wild America, Chelsea, have you seen it? What one was that? That's with, it's got Devin Sawa and like JTT is in it, and they're like three brothers fucking around with lions for some reason.

Oh, I remember this movie. That's my favorite adaptation of The Revenant. I might have seen it. I don't remember it. Got it. Because I keep thinking I did, but I'm just like. thinking of the Tom and Huck movie that the two of them were. Yes, yes, he says.

Oh, Devin Sawa was Huckleberry Finn in that movie? No, it's Brad Redfro actually, RIP. R-I-P-D. So, yeah, there's another thing where Beckett has, like, I guess Beckett knows Jack Sparrow because he branded him with, like, the pirate pee at one point. Doesn't really

come to anything in this movie. Maybe that's in another movie, because I definitely slept through on Stranger Tides and then didn't see the other two. at World's End next, right? Oh, at World's End, excuse me. That's right. I don't remember any of the sequels either. In fact, I thought some of the set pieces from this movie were in later movies and it was not. And that was the wheel. I, yeah, I actually realized, speaking of the wheel, dude, exactly. I was mixing up. I was combining this movie in the first

movie. Because last week, I was watching the movie and I was like, oh, where's this part? Where's that part? All those parts that I thought were missing were in this movie. Eric, you weren't wrong about the wheel. They just do it again in a later movie. Do they really? There's a whole scene that's just the scene again.

Cabin, have you seen all of these? I have not seen the very last one. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. But the other ones, yeah. So at one point, like, after he breaks out of the coffin, like he's back on, I think it's the black pearl

with all his dudes and whatnot. It is very hard to tell which ship is which. Absolutely. I believe it is the black pearl, though. And this is where I guess it's,

a spectral projection of Stelan Scarsguard, or maybe Bill Nihy let him off the ship to come to the Black Pearl and give a warning. He had a ghost rum-springer, and he decided to go there. But this is Stelan Scarsguard as bootstrap Bill Turner, Will Turner's father, who's only mentioned about in the first film. Here he is, and he says,

times run out, check. Something, something, you know, Time to pay the fiddler whore. It's a great... He's got a great pirate voice. I mean, that's just telling Scars Garden General. But it's a great pirate voice. I'll give it to him.

Actually, dude, if you just isolated lines he has in any of those abysmal first two Thor movies and just, like, put, like, ocean waves, like shushing behind it, you probably could confuse some people. Like, I, the Tesserac. Plus, it does kind of work having him, like a kind of weird looking guy

with attractive sons. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, since that's apparently how it works. That's a fuckable family, man. I'm imagining the way that he relates to Jack Sparrow and this is how Scars Guard in real life relates to Von Trier.

In what capacity? He's just like, you're going to get caught one of these days. You can't keep on saying you empathize with Hitler. You can't say that laws. It's going to catch up with you one of these days. 13 years are up, Lars. You've been banned from the Cannes Film Festival. Damn it, Steve, you beepie to a band from the Cannes Film Festival joke.

Yarr, your persona non grata from Isle de Cannes Film Festival. Lars Rontr might be a pirate, right? Because he famously doesn't fly. So I assume he takes the high seas. Is that part of Dogma 93? Is that or? Yeah, part of the dogma initiative, Steve, you're absolutely. right it was you had to shoot everything on shitty

like awful early digital video you had to use non-actors and yes you had to take a boat everywhere you went well specifically by pirate ship specifically pirate ships so yeah so he's like hey man

you know Davy Jones sent me times up on whatever you're you're you know he's kind of a bevy of life debts against his soul old Jack Sparrow does and Davy Jones is saying, hey, it's time to come home and you start your service with me, which is like you're a coral reef pirate for the next 100 years.

And that's it. Go fuck yourself, Jack Sparrow. What happens after the 100 years? If I join up as like a 30-year-old man. Right. Do I come back as a 30-year-old man or am I just turned to do a Skellington at that point? I don't know, but I'll tell you what, Steve. I heard stupendous retirement plan.

Oh, okay. That's nice. there's one part where a bootstrap bill says like well you know i'm going to let you or help orlando bloom out of this mess like what are they going to do to me you know like come on they've done and that's that shows you the fallacy of not only davy jones's locker but hell and how that doesn't exist either because after hundreds of years like nothing's going to matter or mean anything anymore you can't torture forever true um so oh so the other thing he says is oh and by the way uh if you don't come back to the dutchman and do this

Davy Jones has sent a little present your way. Hello, the Cracken. And does he give him this weird black mark here? Is that what he does? He's like, Scars Guard gives it to him, yeah. And it is a tracker? Was I? It's, that's how the Cracken can find him is the idea.

By like tracking. Yeah, by tracking. I'm glad you guys are mentioning this because I did not remember that detail. I was just like, oh, I guess that's another one of these curses I've heard about. Well, I think somebody even says, about Johnny Depp or about Jack Sparrow that he's twice cursed. It's a lot of curses, dude.

It's like a gambling addict. Seriously, dude, once is enough, man. I'm cursed one time, forget it. What an interesting character. Can we talk about the quick scene with these two, like, Eastern European pirates on this boat? Or maybe they're not pirates?

They're Turkish. Are they? The subtitles told me so. Oh, excellent. These poor bastards, dude, they fucking find, is it Jack Sparrow's hat. Yes. And they're all like, oh, look at me in this fancy hat and everything. I got a great hat. Yeah. And like, it's like, and this is, I hate when movies do this where it's like we're

trying to keep the monster secret. So the first time the monster attacks a thing, it looks one way, but then the monster decides to change its plan of attack going forward. Because in this, this scene, it's like, oh, what's that noise? And then the boat is like, shunk, just like pulled under the water. not a tentacle to be found there's no basement weirdos jerking off at that it's very cartoonish it's like when like a when daffy duck's body got pulled down in his head

stayed up and like the long neck yeah he said mother and they like that's what it looks like when this ship goes down there is a lot of cartooning in this more than the last film like once when they try to escape the cannibals and the pole and he's jumping around

it is very like Acme brand yeah and I wonder if it's to sort of, they think that making a lot of cartoony parts and a lot of weird, scary, disgusting parts equals a children's movie. Like, if we just throw a lot of children's stuff on it, it all sort of balances out. And I don't know if I think that it does.

I don't think it does either, but it is that kind of equation, like... Something for everyone. Exactly. Like, there's stuff in here for the parents to watch while they take the kids to this movie. But in this instance, all of these movies are PG-13. as far as I understand.

Yeah, look, we got something for everyone. The kids will love Jack acting like Bugs Bunny. The teenage boy will like fucking horny Kieran Knightley. The weird kids will like the Krakhan. Mom will like Stelan Skarskard, I bet. Weird mom will like the Cracken? I'm sorry. Who is giving the mom's Stelan Skarskar?

What? All right, the Swedish moms will like Stelan Skarskard? Even that I think Mrs. Scarsguard and Mrs. Scarsman alone. It's not like Mamma Mia Scars Guard either. He's got a clamshell on his cheek. He's got a fucking starfish on his forehead. Quick question. I did not see Mamma Mia.

Is he hot as fuck in that movie? It's about as hot as he's going to get. Beachy, Greek-looking. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. That happens because Merrill Streep is cursed. Merrill Streep is cursed.

by Davey Jones and Mamma Mia? Okay, okay. That's why they're near the ocean. Due to eternity to not know who fathered him made a seat freed.

Oh, do we have the answer to that by the way? I've never seen either Mama Mia movie. I'm talking like I know it and I do know. I do know the answer

to that question. Of course you do. Chris Cabin elaborate right now. It's Pierce Bros. Oh, nice, dude. GoldenEye.

GoldenEye I'll get you pregnant. something. Yeah, I like it. Just thinking about larking in the shadows. I'm like, I don't know. Question, by the way, there's a, well, not a question, I guess, but to speak of the horniness in this movie,

Will and Elizabeth are super fucking horny kind of at the jump. But they also have like two scenes together. I know, but one of the scenes they have together is horny as fuck when she's locked up. Yeah. And he comes in and he's like, all right. Here's the deal. I just made this agreement. All I have to do is go get this fucking key or the compass from Jack Sparrow. Bring it back to this weird turd and you'll be set free. And she says something about like, oh, like I wish I, yeah, I can't wait to have you or something like that. Or he says that. One of them says it. And the other one says, if it weren't for these bars, I'd have you already. and both of them bite their lips

at the same time. I think she might have said that actually so I think you're right on the horny a meter for her. I think you're right, dude. She does say because I just remember the punchline on that exchange is Jonathan Price like falls over. And I think when we first go to this prison and she's in there, there's like

dudes in the other cell that are like, oh let me try to grab you. Well, and that's a definite, they're doing the bit from the ride. That's a definite copy of it. The same with the dog is also from the ride. The dog was in the first movie as well because I think it was the same

band of guys basically that were like oh give me the key dog. Yes that's exactly they do that in the ride. Is this the same dog? With the lady though? There's a lot of with ladies but also with the dog. I don't know it's like it's a kind of long ride.

You've been in line for an hour. You got to give them something. They do it with dogs. They do it with ladies. Eric, they do it with donkeys because they call back the donkey gag from the fucking first one, because that's the first place that East India Company goes to look for them. Yes. Oh, right. Well, actually,

did you read the MDV trivia? That's a different donkey. Oh, my God. No, I had the first donkey. Is he okay? No, I made that up. No, it's just negotiations fell through with the first donkey. He wanted too much money. Fucking betrayal, man. I was just worried it didn't make it. It was hard enough

with everything that happens to the dog. I immediately went on to that. Does the dog die?com, whatever. I was like, oh, no, what is going to happen to this dog? That dog is left abandoned on an island full of cannibals. Yeah. Which I don't understand why the cannibals are interested in it. Well, but the stinger scene, did you watch the stinger?

Oh, no, I did not. Oh. Thank you, Chelsea, for bringing up that stinger scene. You're welcome. Eric, since you usually miss the stinger scene, I'll let you explain it so you can hopefully enjoy this moment. The dog is left on the beach. It's chased by the cannibals while Jack Sparro escapes.

And in the stinger scene, the dog is now dressed up as the new god of the king. cannibals, but Jack Sparrow was going to be eaten by the cannibals as a god anyway. Right. So these people are chowing down on this dog. The dog's dead. That's what I'm saying. More importantly, I was curious because you were talking about Chelsea, I think, I was like, is that donkey still alive?

And donkeys live from 25 to 30 years a donkey can live. So that donkey is like having its own high seas adventure right now. Well, maybe. It could have been like 28 in which case. What a terrible way to end your life. I married it on international waters. That donkey

is in a loving relationship now. Married. Well, yes, James. Actually, John Depp was just wonderful to work with again. I loved just eating hay in front of him. I thought that was wonderful. So there's like

a montage of Orlando Bloom looking for Johnny Depp which is particularly stupid. It reminds me a lot of the mean girls montage where it's everyone talking about Regina George before you meet her when it's like, I hear her hair is insured for $10,000. They're like,

oh, Jack Sparrow. There's like some gag where like again, I guess he's like in some way or another enraged this prostitute. Because she's like, oh, Jack Sparrow haven't seen him in a month. When you see him, will you give him this message? And she

like slaps Orlando Bloom in the face. I think it's the same woman that slaps Johnny Depp in the first movie Is he not paying? Is that what's going on? If you're ripping off prostitutes, man, that's some scuzzy shit. It was like where it was an era where it's like, oh, yeah, you know, your lovable rogue character can abuse sex workers and it's just like, ah, ha, ha. Now just thinking of like, Klin Eastwood and unforgiven hunting Johnny Depp.

I would love that. Yes. Angered hookers. And he ends up tracking him down on the island with the app for mentioned cannibals. Yeah. I don't think it's probably a very culturally sensitive depiction. No, probably not. Probably not.

Diversity-wise, this movie fails. Because the first movie, at least, like, Zoe Saldana was just a pirate. You know what I mean? Like, she was just another pirate in the group. But in this movie, like, every person of color is either like a Haitian witch doctor situation and or a cannibal and it's like, nah. Does Zoe Sal Dana come back in the other tree? I had not

remembered she was in them until you were watching the first one. I think because like this movie is 06, the next one was 07 and they're like back to back. Yeah, I think she's... And then by that point, like whenever that fourth movie came around, I think she was just way too big of a star to play nothing pirate

at that point. Because that first Star Trek movie... 2009, I think. Yeah. Did she you have anything big before that or no center stage so no we we watched that recently it's one of my favorite bad movies isn't center stage like 2000 though yes yeah um so yeah so they the black pearl has uh run aground because johnny dep is like freaking out about this curse and the crackins coming for him so he's like all right we got to get to safety we just got to find land and the land that they

find is this island and you don't really see what happens until Orlando Bloom shows up and yet it is like it is straight out of Raiders like here are these like dangerous jungle people it's more like the

old racist bugs bunny cartoons yes stuff that would be aired with a warning now yeah yes I'm actually surprised that because Disney Plus is so fucking huge unlike when did you guys see this when you watch like, yeah. Yeah, like, oh, this, this, you know, was made during a time when this wasn't

culturally insensitive or whatever, but it's all like shit from like the 40s. Like, you'll see like a super racist, like goofy cartoon or something. I thought you met the warning on this. Right. When you start to play this movie, there's a thing in the corner that's like, warning tobacco depictions. Oh, Jesus. No, there's a thing like when you're reading the descriptions of old Disney shorts, at the end of the text, it says like, you know, you know content warning this contains outdated and culturally insensitive themes

and images or whatever it is it's something like that but they're basically saying like we didn't edit this shit out but just know that this is there I feel like you got to put that on this movie too like okay like this movie is 14 years old

there's some shit in here that shouldn't have been in here in the first place but it is still here they're putting hair all over the bare asses put the hair all over the racism It's like make them really hairy. They're all cousin it's. Oh fuck dude. That is just a fucking planet of aliens.

The cannibal angle, like you can almost see it. It's like a kitch factor at this point. But at the same time, don't dwell, don't like sit there for this goddamn long. If you're going to do it, like, I don't know, like Raiders in the Lost Dark has indigenous people that fight Indiana Jones. And it's over and done with in like five, ten minutes. That's a good call, dude. This is like 40 minutes long. It's a cold open because it has nothing to do with anything.

Like really like it's where Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp hook up again. But that can happen in five, 10 minutes tops. Exactly. And that's like when you watch this sequence, it's like you're realizing it's got the same problems as that first movie has where it's like we got to go to this place and then we're meeting up with this person and now we're fucking switching this boat and this person's going here instead. It always seems way too easy to get on a ship. in these movies. Like, they're in the middle of the... How do you get on a pirate ship

in the middle of the sea? They're finding them. They're like hailing cabs. I don't understand. They make it seem way too easy. I think it should be harder. Can I say poobber? It's pirate Uber, I guess.

Oh, Poober, dude. YAR! Welcome to Poober. We somehow have better public relations and treat our employees better than Uber. Oh, well, Smitty is going to be here. in five minutes Captain Smitty Does he then rob you or what?

That's a great question. They take more money than you thought they were going to take. That's, I think, what it is. You get there safely, but they steal shit from you. And much like Uber and Lyft, you're a little afraid doing it alone as a woman. Absolutely. There aren't actually that many ships there.

It's more ships on the map than are actually, you know, there's only one of them. too. What the hell is what he doing? We have to charge you more de bloons due to congestion sailing. What the hell is Smitty doing? He's fucking sailing in circles.

I just said 10 minutes. Apologies. I had to stop to go to the bathroom. Yarr, I'm here. Where are ye be? Where ye be? Yarr, I'm sailing out again in five minutes if you don't show up. Oh, I can't go as far as Puerto Rico.

etc so I mean and the other thing that's really problematic about sequences like this in these movies is like nothing comes out of it I mean like instead see if this is where Johnny Depp meets Orlando Bloom again but it's like who gives a shit they could have met anywhere he could have just apparently you can just get on a bow so he could have just come onto his boat I mean it's insane there's nothing that changes from this the only thing that happens is they leave a fucking dog behind yeah you're setting up the stinger scene that's it but We took 45 minutes to set up the stinger scene. The action in the, because they're in like cages that are circular, it's kind of cool. That stuff's pretty cool, actually. It's excuses for set pieces, really. Like, it's all just about the action here. Those circular cages, Orlando Bloom is like, oh, where's the rest of the crew? And it's like, are there the cage?

So it's their bones of people they knew, which is kind of grisly. How long have they been there? again dude that's i mean that's a great question with this movie specifically i couldn't tell you i don't know what the fucking timetable is supposed to be like with this movie well if they're not doing anything else other than that i mean that was the whole tribe that they could do that pretty quickly i think yeah cut it and bleach it in the whole thing yeah so jack sparrow like watches his crew be eaten by these cannibals and turned into a bone gauge to put the rest of his crew in and he's just still like bugs bunneying it up.

It's a coping mechanism, Eric. Well, I wish I had that. I wish I had the optimism, especially now. It would make these times a lot easier. I think we just need to be like drunk more than that. That's Jack Sparrow's problem. Sun poisoning and alcoholism. Yeah, but it's all rum.

Is that what's doing it? Are we not drinking enough rum? I hate rum. Yeah, I can't be drinking rum. But he's also clearly disassociated. So, like, there's all... It's a triple threat, really. You have to be alcoholic, constantly in the sun, and disassociated.

Okay, so I just need some sunlight. Two out of three of bad, Eric. Part of this movie is directed by S. Craig Zaller, for some reason. And I don't... I don't appreciate it. Dragged across coconuts. Is that movie any good? Dragged across...

I mean... I really like it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the thing with Craig as Zoller movies, it's just like, but still, I don't know. It's, I'm on the fence with those because they're always, they're bad culturally, but like the first go, it's watchable. Well, he's like kind of like a fascist filmmaker. Like he makes like cobra, like cobra's kind of like a fascist thing. Exactly.

Or like John Millius type of stuff. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah, so like Johnny Depp and it's very, Orlando Bloom gets captured immediately. Johnny Depp is like the king of them and he's got this cool eye makeup design thing and that's you know that was in the trailer I was like oh that's sort of something

didn't look so good on the sick boot my dad had but in the Steve can I ask you something about this Frank Sadec boot was he like really proud of the presentation was he like guys we got to sit down I got the new Pirates

of the Caribbean movie and this looks spectacular Dim the lights and pretend there's people in front of you that are talking and they're going to stand up. It was more like, who needs to go to the movies? That it's like, I do. He finally beat the system. Exactly.

All that time wasted watching bootleg movies and now we have to watch movies at home. It's like, God, go to a movie theater. Go and sit with people you don't know. Totally. I would fucking love to. Steve, you know what this reminded, that story reminded me of?

It's got nothing to do with anything except they're both. two gigantic franchises. Remember that time in college you spent like a month trying to download a boo to one of those Lord of the Rings movies? You're incorrect. It was Dreamcatcher that I was trying to down. Why did I think it was like two towers or something?

No, because that's like a movie you'd want to watch. I want to watch a Dreamcatcher for like six weeks it took me. I think that does come up on our Dreamcatcher episode. Oh, does it? Yeah, I think so. But speaking of the Lord of the Rings, I think on the last episode when we were talking about Orlando Bloom and his appeal,

And I said I want to go back and revisit. I did watch Fellowship of the Ring now. I haven't watched Two Towers yet. But in Fellowship of the Ring, Orlando Bloom has like five lines of dialogue. And I think his whole Hollywood It Factor is he's skinny. Yeah. He's skinny and good looking and British. Yeah, it's just like.

Now he's married to Katie Perry. Or they may not be married. I don't know. He's with Katie Perry right now. Having a child, I believe. Exactly. Shit. You know what Orlando Bloom is very good in is Joe Swamberg's digging for fire.

you know i didn't see that actually it's pretty good he's also it's not a good movie but he's not to blame for elizabeth town no i mean i don't know i've never seen it i i it's tough with him i i think he's very bad in these movies particularly i do too but i i think he does an admirable job in that terrible movie does he have five lines in that movie too no he's the lead oh shit i never saw it he's like i saw it in theater i could see him be like i think that this he just doesn't know what this character's supposed to be you know what i mean none of the characters are anything except for jack sparrow karen knightley is also a great actress who has nothing to do at least in this first one or the second one i wasn't much attention of the first one yeah i have a feeling this trend

will continue yeah eventually the two of there's one of these movies the two i think it's the fourth one i'm pretty sure the two of them aren't in it i know at least she doesn't do all five i don't know Yeah, and then I think the two of them come back for this most recent one. Yes, fourth one is just, I think it's Johnny Depp and like a, maybe like a Brandon Thwaith or something like that. Brandon, what? One of those like kids that was in like gods of Egypt and that's it. Oh, yikes. Like one of those types.

And it was just him and Johnny Depp and that was the whole thing. He might be a maze runner that kid actually. Possibly, maybe. Those movies get fucking weird. I saw one. You've been watching a maze runner, dude? What else do we have to do? We're stuck inside.

I'm just jealous. I watched it at like the gym like a year ago, which is the last time I went. No, but I went to the, it was out of the gym and I watched like 45 minutes and there's, like, the first one's about a maze. The second one, we've got like assault rifles and Barry Pepper is involved and I'm like, what's happening? Is Barry Pepper reprising his role from Battlefield Earth? Maybe. There's like aliens. bugs but like collaborator

yeah there's aliens in those movies I'm almost positive this Patricia Clarkson is the big bad I can't with these YAA apocalypse shit things dude I never finished those Hunger Games movies like we saw what the first two in theaters

we saw the first three in theaters no do we go to the theater for the third movie I think so shit those movies get fucking worse as they go on we didn't even see that fourth one I ended up seeing it at home Well, wait, you saw the fourth movie at home? Yeah.

What are we talking? Shitty? Oh, no, that's not good. Oh, yeah, all right. What did you say about a prequel? Prequel? Yes, they are. Yeah, they're doing a book and immediately a movie.

Susan Collins is writing the book? Susanne. Oh, Suzanne, pardon me. I think. Actually, I might have been totally lost. Susie, Suzanne. So, no, Susan Collins is the terrible senator. That's right.

Oh, Susan Collins. Yeah, she's a piece of shit. Yeah. But whatever. Johnny Depp is like he's kind of like king for a day like you get to be king of the tribe but because they think you're a god

they want to eat you so they can absorb your power and set the god free it's kind of like the chipmunk adventure they should have sang wooly bully and they're absolutely dude woolly bully savvy

it would totally work I told you you guys always complain about like brain dead like, it makes you vomit just like the visuals. We complain about you, Chris? No, no, not me. I'm talking.

Visuals and what? Like, in brain, like the, the ear dripping down into the soup and stuff like that. Oh, in the movie. In the movie. In the movie brain dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That dead alive.

Dead alive. Dead alive. Sorry. That is my reaction to him with this big toe. Oh, yes. Oh, he's like his fucking toe. my fucking stomach started boiling. Chris, remember that I saw that scene of dead alive

with my grandmother who is now passed. Was it because of the movie, dude? Probably. I think it was a residual effect. What was her reaction to that scene? She didn't really comment on it. I think she probably saw in real life before.

Did you get through the whole movie with her? It's a common problem in the old country is the fucking ear soup. No, no, no, I turned it right off, man. yeah that's a good idea dude you gotta save granny's here come on you gotta save granny from that man that's not how you make ear soup exactly like ooh but that's what he does yeah he they give him like a toe to gnaw on and it looks like a big fat guy toe it does it definitely looks like a fat guy toe and also if you notice there's a shot where they kind of cut away from that

close up but it's like still a medium shot of him you can see he's got a fucking necklace of toes dude it's like vietnam i think it's a thing like Like, you know those, like, candy necklaces you can have? Yeah. I think that's like the cannibal version of it. It's like a little necklace of toes. Do they also stain your neck then? Yeah, dude, you get toes stain on your neck.

You know those candy necklaces? They're a lot like Vietnam. So there in this bone cage. It's the first of two large set pieces that go on too long where people are in circular things trying to get out of them. Yes. You know, it's kind of fun. but again, it's like, it's fun, but I don't need 45 minutes of fun

when this movie's two and a half hours long. It's just like get out of this. Yeah, exactly. It's totally cool and fun. It's very American gladiators a little bit. Dude, it is, especially when they start rolling down the hill, I immediately thought of gladiators. Also, can anyone confirm this? I heard from someone, I think it just saw some like passing Facebook post or something.

Someone we know was talking about they noticed there was some rando TV station that was playing episodes of American Gladiators like old 70s ones that see that was the question I had for him and I don't know if it's like the old school stuff or like the USA Network stuff

in the 90s that we had you'd think they put that on like they put that on Amazon or something you'd think right like this is just trash throwed into the fucking fire exactly dude film rise would have the rights to it just like unsolved mysteries which I started watching again last night The old random 60s TV shows that I turn the TV on in the morning,

and it's like, do you want to continue watching whatever you fell asleep to? I feel like if this was on TV, you would have already found it. I would have found it. Yeah, you're right. I mean, it's like, you know, she turns it on. It's like, would you like to continue watching, Tombstone Territory? Exactly. It's like, no. It's on something called Pluto TV, which I don't know what that is.

That's, it's like if you can download an app for Pluto TV on like on set top boxes, like on Apple TVs and shit. We had Pluto TV on our old Roku. For some reason. I think it was like a trial maybe or something like that. Fuck, that's really the only place. You probably found American gladiators on it and downloaded the trial. I'm definitely doing that now.

I'm coming back to you, Pluto. I can see what Nitro is up to. I might be downloading Pluto as well. I'll wake up in the morning. Are you still watching? Wait, did you get a notice about Unsolved Mysteries this morning? Is that why you're saying that? Because I definitely passed out watching that last night.

I don't remember Unsolved Mysteries. The Gumby one after you guys did it for animation, damnation was particularly like, oh, Jesus, what was his? Oh, my God. I went to bet at 10. What happened? I thought it was Pluto, but I had gotten some app on my TV called Tubey, and I might have my TV now. Do you guys have Tooby? I've heard

I know what it is I don't have it I went there because it had a Gary Busey movie I like called I of the Tiger and it like had like tracking type of errors on it and it's just like

Were there commercials interrupting that movie? I think there might have been yeah I will say when I was watching I watched the first pirates with Jan my wife and she was like

you know kind of sort of half watching that's kind of how I handled it yeah I like half watched it with you Last night, when I put this on... But they entered. Not Steve. No. No, no, no. And then yesterday when I watched this, she went in the bedroom and as she closed the door, she just said,

you sorry, son of a bitch. Which is accurate. Jen is smarter than I. Well done, Jen. So whatever. They all meet up and Johnny Depp. They all get on the boat. The crew is substantially smaller now. It's just Johnny Depp. Mr. Gibb, who's the dude of the sick sideburns,

who's like Johnny Depp's number two is kind of like, always like, what are we up to this week, Jack? I don't know, dude, like, what do you get some fucking money? He's the first mate. I had to look it up because I didn't know. Yeah, this dude, he's the dude who I said looks like Neil Young. He's definitely like, he does.

Because he's got the Neil Young, like the sideburns, but like you shaved the chin like an asshole. And he's known Kira Knightley since she was a baby and never acts like it. Yeah. I don't understand this is like such a dropped thing from that first movie. He's in the fucking prologue, not a pirate. Then he's a pirate.

She says, Gib, and nobody fucking says anything. At least in this one, the distinction between pirate and sailor seems to be almost nothing. Oh, they're all just filthy people. Once you get out to see you're a pirate, basically. Or a sea monster. Everyone is so dirty and wet in this movie. They're definitely dirtier than the first movie. Yes.

Everyone. I think they had more money for Phil. Filthy rich. Our filth budget, dude. And after they get away, they go to another island, I guess. And that's where they meet Yadalma. Yeah, played by Naomi Harris. Yes.

And I love Naomi Harris. She's a great actor. She's fucking rad. You know, I love her in the more recent Bond movies. She's fucking great in 28 days later. She's having fun in this one, though. She's, like, chewing the scenery, chewing the shit out of the scenery. These have to be fun movies to do.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, unless you're stuck in a swim tank and you're freezing the entire time. But if you get to stay on dry land like she does, it's probably pretty fun. Right. Oh, she's also really great in moonlight, by the way. Excellent in moonlight. To get her services, I love this, they trade her in,

dead monkey, which is how I get paid. That's, you know, like, you get your Patreon dollars go into an undead monkey budget and then I get paid one to two, depending on how well we do in a month. After we make our monkey pizza,

you know, then there's plenty of undead monkeys. So please up your undead monkey budget months. Are you eating those things, Steve? They just, they're around. They're just around. That's fucked up. Steve, I heard that shit makes you crazy. I think that's what caused all this actually

So please be careful Monkey pizza was the cause of the coronavirus We do have monkey pizza T-shirts available at our T-Public store by the way That's right, designed as always by the mad genius Philippe So they get to her hang out And you know she tells them the curse of Davy Jones and blah blah blah And she is the one who tells them that the key

that they're looking for will open the dead man's chest and that's a chest that holds the still beating heart of Davy Jones himself. He fell in love and cut it out because it was too hard to deal with

the heartache after yarr, this is the longest live journal post yet, but at the end of it, I'll be cutting out my own still beaten heart. Yarr, I'm saying for this post, me emotion is quick sotic.

Come on, dude, you're not in fucking high school. You're a full-grown pirate. Grow up. You're a full-grown pirate. Ar here are some my chemical romance lyrics. Something, something, also an important thing to note, even though I guess not really,

but Davy Jones can only set foot on land once every 10 years. I guess, very appropriate. That was a deal worked out part of his parole. It's just, you know, it's a thing. Yarr, I'm wearing me ankle bracelet. Is that like real Davy Jones lore? Because that feels like a weird thing for them to have added.

No, I don't think so. I looked up Davy Jones on like Wikipedia today. Yeah. Yeah, and it didn't say anything about that. It just said like, oh, he's got saucers for eyes. And he's like, ooh, a little devil prankster or something. But is he, is he a squid head or what? No.

No squid head. I do like, dude, he's, because, we got the movie on mute right now, so we just got this scene where David Jones is like Bretting a bunch of people. Dude, he's fucking hitting this pipe pretty hard, not for nothing.

It is pretty cool, dude. He's smoking on the job. He also, like, he tickles the keys. He's a fucking cool dude. Dude, they, I mean, you know, we're not there yet, but who cares? We're jumping around these movies

like nobody's business. They make this motherfucker the Phantom of the opera. It's kind of cool, but it's also dumb as shit. Yeah, I do like that he falls asleep at a keyboard, all because I've been there.

Yeah, absolutely, dude. But like, what could Joel Schumacher have done with the Pirates of the Caribbean movie? Oh, man, that's a great call. First of all, way more fucking nipples. But it probably would have been a lot more fun. You know what I mean? It would have been, like, campy and silly and fun.

You want the, that's perfectly, perfectly explained, dude, you want this to be campy. Ditch this seriousness. That's why, as much as I don't care for him as a person or performer, Johnny Depp is the best part of these movies. Because he's the only one having fun with it. I mean, again, like you said, other characters here and there. But he's the lead who is chewing the scenery.

He's having a lot of fun. He's playing it at an 11. And everyone else is kind of treating it like it's Shakespeare, which is maybe not the right direction. I also feel like he's a bit sidelined in this movie. Am I wrong? Like he's just got less to do. Like a lot of it like I mean like he's kind of the lead character and you're right he is

but like he's also like I don't know like he's just kind of seating the stage to a lot of other people is like well why don't you do it Will and I'm like no why don't you do it dude because that's what I'm paying for. And I think yeah you're totally right and I think that's like they sort of cover it up with like he makes will do all these things like he tricks him into you know being in service of davy jones and whatever and because of that it becomes the Orlando bloom movie for a lot of this which is quite insufferable do you think the people who because he was like we explained last week what he was Chelsea you may not be aware of this I haven't heard the episode yeah tell me was nominated for best actor best lead actor for the Academy Awards for

the first movie do you think those voters wait I do I get you you guys you guys cannot see her face right now, but she's fucking shocked. For the Oscar Academy Awards. The Oscar Academy Award. The Meyer Academy Award. He was nominated for playing Jack Sparrow. In the first one, and now you've got to wonder, like those

I'm not dying. No, I know. I'm it's shocked. It's devastating. It's the same year Sean Penn won and some other people were nominated, I'm sure three really qualified black actors were not considered. But That's where we said this last week, right? That went to Sean Penn from Mystic River.

But my question is, do you think those Academy of Voters who either A voted for him to be on the ballot and then B voted for him over Sean Penn really reconsidered that vote when three years later he's talking to fucking Bill Nihy as a squid pirate? Like, oh, maybe I misread that movie. You know what's funny? I was thinking about this after we recorded that episode. And I was thinking, you know, 2003, it makes so much sense that this movie. movie, that first movie was as huge as it was and resonated the way it did because you know what it was

when you think about it and you know the second one now with fucking squid face people and all these fish people and barnacle pirates and whatnot it's it is less this but that first movie minus all the skeletons jumping

in out of the moonlight a lot of that is like practical effects action and I feel like it's a direct response to like O2 and 1999 we had those prequels where it's like people in front of the fucking green screen and that's the movie this is like we're out on a boat we're you know using all these tropical locations this that and the other thing um I feel like that's why that first movie at least resonated so hard outside of like just a box office thing and that's why like him being nominated for that role I don't know like it kind of makes sense I don't know if like the like other technical categories were awarded the film nominations also. I mean, as I'm sitting with it and looked it up to make sure Steve wasn't lying. Always smart. Always smart. I get it as a nomination. It's, it is a very full performance and he's doing a great job with it. He's a terrible human being and I don't like

saying nice things about him. And the thing about Johnny Depp is if you want, you can pick what reason you think I'm calling him a terrible human being and just stick with that. I looked up whether or not Curse of the Black Pearl got other nominations of the Oscars and actually you guys we are looking at a five-time Oscar nominee that first movie because it was depth for leading role but then best makeup

best sound mixing best sound editing and best visual effects. Andrew you're talking about like the prequels have come out and like this kind of return to practical effects you get like Oscar caliber actors and performances in it and I was thinking a lot lately about like the whole Scorsesee Marvel

debacle and I'm just like this is what Marvel based their movies on right? Like get good performers. Right. Do some, you know, do good action and obviously CGI heavy like this movie and there you go. But that's, I mean, you're exactly right dude.

I mean, you're hiring. I mean, look at these actors. It's like Johnny Depp, Kira Knightley, Orlando Bloom. In this movie, you've got Bill Nigh. These are all like real you know quote real actors serious actors in a theme park ride which is what Scorsese

said it I'm just like he's kind of I feel like he's viewing Marvel through the Pirates lens which I haven't done before which I think is kind of right and I like plenty of those movies yeah no I think I think you're totally onto something dude and it'll be interesting once we get past

the third one right because Ironman one is 2008 yeah so it'll be interesting to see those last two movies or the most recent two movies pirate movies i should say that come out post iron man right also the stinger scenes all over this franchise yeah good call actually yeah this because does yeah because oh three they definitely have a stinger scene um i try to trace i mean it would be actually interesting if someone could write uh like an oral history of the stinger scene like i honestly would love that Did X-Men 2000 have one?

Does anybody remember? I don't believe it did. Interesting, okay. I know that Daredevil definitely did because that's also O-3. But doesn't X-Men that came out this year have one? Is it when he moves the chess piece? Is that a stinger scene or is it just the last scene? Oh, that's a good question.

That's a good call. Well, X-2 was when? Was that O-3 or O-2? No, this is X-3. X-3, yes, X-3 when he moves the chess piece. That probably was a sense. Stinger, I think. The Last Stand. Oh, you're right. You're right. Which was

a while into this. I don't remember when Last Sting. It's the same. It's the same, or. Briggy is, what you're talking about is the Last Stand. I don't, I never know. I follow the Steve Sadec Resolution, everything. This is

Pirates 2. That was X-Men 3. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Anything that comes after a colon in a movie title. But the point is X-Men 3 and Pirates 2 came out the same summer. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. I do think that these movies, especially with this long, overly long set pieces and run times, bloated runtimes, have owe a lot to the Transformers movies as well, because it's just sort of like the idea that there's six different macuffins you have to get to put together the one big McGuffin and every single time you try to do something, it takes you an hour. At some point, you start realizing that there's a formula to all of these movies.

Yeah, well, there's that too. So yeah, we meet the undead ship of the Flying Dutchman. wherein, and yeah, somebody at Disney was pushing fucking action figures real hard with these dudes because it's just like, oh, it's Hammerhead guy. You can't want Hammerhead guy.

You read my mind, dude. Hammerhead guy, exactly. He's got fucking toy written all over him. This fucking boat is the USS Red Lobster. These dudes look delicious. I'm sorry. Some of them look very tasty. Some butter, lemon.

I love calamari and squid, so. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Give me all of fucking Davy Jones' face. Dude, I'll eat that guy's face right off his body. The stuff's clams guy looks amazing. Oh, Admiral Clams Casino, Cabin? Got bacon all over his face.

Looks fantastic. I do agree with Chelsea. You got to bread some of these motherfuckers, though, too. You really want to deep fry him. Get some panco in there. Definitely, Davy Jones fucking, like, a lobster claw hand that he's got. Ooh, I'd love to crack that sucker open.

I don't like his big brain sack hanging out the back of his hat. What is that about? It's really disgusting. That's probably the most delicious part though, actually. Oh, really? Yeah, I guess you're probably right. You've got to cut into ribbons

to make it appealing for me. But yeah, I guess it's like the head of the squid. Which I don't know. Yeah, I mean, that's what it's supposed to look like, right? It's like the bulbous back of a squid's head or whatever. Yeah. Do you eat any other part of the squid besides the tentacles?

I'm sure you could. Well, the rings are on like the tentacle. Oh, how do you get the calomari rings? I guess I don't know. I don't either. I just eat it. I guess there's a difference between squid and octopus. And we should find out.

You know, when this is all over, we should all go to a seafood restaurant. I'm fine with it. I'll find out that way. People sending me pictures of squid on Twitter. Please do not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your Honor, does that sound like a man who's had all he could eat? The frying Dutchman.

Exactly. Yeah, so, like, yeah, he just, and Will Turner is tricked because Johnny Depp's like, hey, when you get, hey, dude, when you get there, could you just say that I'm here to settle Jack, Jack Sparrow's debt? He'll know it, he'll know what it means. It is a real he'll know what it means situation. Duh, okay. because he just wants a soul for like jack sparrow owes his soul or whatever and it becomes this whole soul thing we talk about soul harvesting a lot more than i expected in this film oh well 99 souls in three days dude that's what happened so like will turner gets uh kind of cast into this group and then jack sparrow comes to get him at some point and they have a tete-a-tete wherein he's like and he's doing the scottish accent which is kind of fun bill nighi it's okay but i like When he first appears in the movie, it's way more high-pitched.

It's a very high register, yeah. But it changes and gets lower as the movie goes on. Because I care a little bit less. What is going? Oh, this is shaking quite long, is it not? I just, you know what? I just saw the character design, and I'm just, that whole Scottish thing is out. His name is Jack Sparrow, so he's a talking Sparrow, is he?

I'm a talking squeaky talking Sparrow Hello Sparrow How are your flight patterns today Just tell me Which tennis ball to talk to When we do this scene He is

But he's like Well I read that Because Davy Jones was Dutch And like Gorevibinsky He's like So you should be Dutch And he's like Okay do Dutch

What I could do Scottish Close enough And this thing comes to nothing this weird pact where it's kind of a cool quest where Johnny Depp's like, look dude, I'm going to get you a hundred souls by Thursday. He's like, a hundred souls. I'm like, yeah, man.

Don't worry, the checks in the mail, the good coats are in the back. And he goes and he does seem to start to harvest souls and I'm like, this is kind of cool. But the movie drops it immediately. They go to the Pirate Island of Tartuga and there's some great like signups that are like the guy walks up, shuffles

up and he's like, I don't care if I live or die. I'm like, perfect. And that's where we re-meet, I forget his character's name, but he's Jack Davenport. Norrington. Norrington, thank you. Yeah. And I love, man, there's kind of nothing greater than a dude who's like the villain from the first movie who's like a complete, who's like a complete. I fucking love it.

I'm a total sucker for it. This dude is that like to a T. It's kind of great. It's kind of like the same thing. It's not the exact same thing, but in Die Hard 2, when. Dickliss from Ghostbusters is relegated just like giving a news report from a plane phone?

Yes. It is a good copy and paste sequel format thing. I wish this movie did more of that because I think it's not exactly the most intelligent movies series there ever was. If you were sticking to more like we got to get the band back together again sort of sequel format. It would have been a little more fun

and flowed a little better, I think, than it does now. Totally. I think it was early to bring Norrington back as a hero-esque figure in this. I know he's not like, he's kind of playing both sides. I get that, but, um, he betrays them in the end, but...

Right. Yeah, he's like a bad... Like, when you meet him, he's like a drunk, he, uh, is now a pirate because blah, blah, blah, blah. Jack Sparrow ruined his life. Also, we should say that Kieran Knightley, when she escapes, she's doing a Joan of Arc routine where she's pretending to be a male soldier on a Scottish boat and there's way too much business

again, for a movie this long where it's like, is this boat haunted by a lady? This dress joke. And I'm like, get me the fuck onto the next scene. Where is Squid Face Captain? But again, also, she just gets on that boat. How do you get on a boat while it's at sea? I still don't understand.

Look, you open up your phone. You hit Poober and you just click it. this one is especially insane though because she is like she's like doing like a puppeteer routine with this dress and they think like the boat is haunted and then she's like then also like pretending to be a dude so she's like running over to another side of the boat and she's like I think we should listen to the ghost then and then like running back over and it's like

it's all a plot just to get to Tartuga and it's just like just go there just yes just book passage you're you're financed now by lord becket like i can just i can just believe you showing up a pirate island i don't need the fucking backstory of you tricking dumb sailors to go there even better even better she could be a stowaway on depth ship just to face steve off it's also kind of silly and funny and like peter pan like yes i think if they had leaned into that aspect a little more and god forbid giving care nightly something to do other than bite her bottom lip That's true.

Then it could have been a little more fun if they had balanced. I'm not saying add on to this movie. Dear God, no, but like, I think the balance could have worked in their favor if they have gone that way. You know, you've had a lot of cannibal shit you could cut right out of this movie. Yes. You could cut so much out. And if you want to bolster that, it would have been something at least more watchable. Yeah.

Totally. So now she's, her and Davenport are part of Jack Sparrow's crew. Will Turner is getting to know his dad on Hellship which is kind of fun Yeah it's like It's a totally fine scene Again though it's a thing where it's like

I don't have time for this now Like you gave me two and a half hours of a movie And any time the movie Takes like a time to slow down And they're sort of talking to each other You're sort of like Okay in a normally In like a normal length movie

I would appreciate this but right now like i don't have any time for this because i know there's like another 45 minute thing that's just going to exhaust me right around the corner and i'm out of breath from the last 45 minute action scene and all these conversation scenes do is make me fall asleep there's this scene in this movie where uh Orlando bloom is with uh uh davy jones and his father and they're playing a dice game yeah and the whole point of the game is that if somebody loses somebody has to live another thousand life

like another hundred years on the ship or something and at that point I just came to the rest of I don't give a fuck what's going on here like how could you possibly keep track

of how many fucking lifetimes you have to stay at this squid's behest not only that we fucking focus on this game too much much it's like well yeah

well I said five fucking dice five five for five and it's like I don't need the rules of this thing. I don't know adequately explained so you don't actually know

the stakes of the game and how the game is played. It's not like Bond playing fucking Baccarat where it's like, okay, I kind of understand what's going on here. Right.

This is, because I think in the Tribune trivia mentions it, this is called Liars Dice. And all I could think about was like, okay, it's like a pirate dice

version of them playing asshole or stuff. I don't know what the fuck this is. And the movie really doesn't explain it. they're just like, yeah, I don't know, seven-fives. Okay, seven-fives, got it. How about nine-sixes?

All right, nine-sixes, got it. And then at some point, like, the game's over with, and I'm just like, all right. Someone won, someone lost, what the hell's going on? His dad lost. Yeah, right. It seems like he took a dive to save Orlando Bloom. Yes.

And I think that if the game is called Liars Dyson in 2020, it definitely had a racist name back then. Like whatever it was it was just called like Italian dice but it was like holy shit dude yikes. You want to go down you want to go below deck and play spaghetti? There is a weird thing when that whole

sequence sets up because like it's like Will Turner is seeing these other dudes playing this game and he has some like computer pirate explain to him like you know oh you know no pirate can resist a challenge to this game or whatever

it is and he goes all right fine I challenge Davy Jones and like wait what dude they all are like hang on a second record scratch and from like way on the other side of the ship like Bill Nihi walks over and he's like well I accept

and I was like how the fuck do you hear that it's like he comes down to the basement rec room where everyone's playing the game I brought you kids drinks and sandwiches He does teleport a bit in this movie. Yes. There is some teleporting, is there not?

I forgot about that. He shows up like when Johnny Depp is like looking at him through like the eyeglass, the spyglass, whatever it's called. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just appears on the deck behind him or whatever. Which has never really explained.

It's like, can these pirates teleport like that? I don't know. I guess maybe save it for the next sequel. There's just big organs in the back. That's Davey Jones's music. That's David Jones And music Da-da-da-da Oh, you would definitely be an undertaker-esque figure

For sure Was there ever a pirate rassler? There must have been I'm going to look it up right now Under tentacle So the whole The whole dice game was just a ruse So that Will Turner could find

Where exactly Davy Jones keeps this key That he has to find So then there's this fucking whole thing Where like He's sneaking in to Davey Jones, Jones hilariously passed out in front of the Oregon keyboard. And, like,

uh, uh, Stellan Scarsgard like kind of makes like some sort of a distraction while this kid's trying to steal this thing. And let me tell you something. Orlando Bloom digging through this dude's face tentacles pretty disgusting. Not good. Pretty disgusting stuff.

Working for someone. Yeah. No, again, dude, tons of people coming over this movie. I get it. But for me, man, the tentacles not doing it for. me. He's just like burrowing through this dude's face. He gets the key in the dice game and he escapes. Now he's on Johnny Depp's boat and that's the thing is like the relation of these two

boats to each other. I don't know how. And again, I'm with Chelsea. I don't know how anyone gets on any of these boats. Yeah. Well, actually no, first he gets on the boat that Curean Knightley was on. And this is when we see the second crack at attack, which is pretty fun. And he escapes from like a board like a, like, uh, like, to, Titanic at the end. There's room for two people there, Orlando Bloom. Listen, it's not the room.

It's the weight. When he starts to climb on and it starts to capsize. I see. All right, no, I've actually never considered the weight. It's the weight. I think it was just a hit it and quit it type of thing. No. I thought about this many times.

It's the weight. Well, no, she wanted to kill the only man that had her nudes. You know what I mean? Smart. Smart. Honestly. Nudes back then were just paintings. Exactly.

There's no cloud. You just got to kill the guy who did it. Because he could also remember and like paint it again for memories. Oh, that's right. Dude, but every time he keeps painting it, his memory fades more and more. Revenge portrait. Oh my God. Oh my God, you know, I was dating Daniel and he sent me this dick pick and you pull out like a painting.

It's like a Carvaggio. It's like a luscious cock And you're like, I just don't know what to do It's giant oil painting Of like a dick with Toledo in the background Right next to a fruit bowl And a weird baby Jesus That looks just like a tiny, grown human

Dude, when I paint dicks by the way I only use pointillism Very serrat I hear you paint dicks also a three and a half hour movie you're going to get on this plane okay you come back after you're going to paint a dick in Detroit okay

gonna stop at the red fox in hear me red fox in so whatever this cracket attack is pretty fun it's Kiranightly and Orlando Bloom teaming this is when they team up to get the cracketers at the next one It's all kind of the same.

Yeah, I mean, he gets picked up by the East Indy trading guys. That's right. And Davy Jones gives chase. And it's a crazy thing where they're like, oh, we've outran him. Oh, no, you didn't. And I believe there's a cracking attack around here. And this is when you see the crack. It's not only Squitty, he's got like a lot of, you know what, Eric, he's a little

Sarlack-esque-esque, I'll be honest with you. He is, definitely. I was thinking about that, like especially at the end. when Johnny Depp gets consumed by this thing. Well, did you check? Do you everybody see when he goes underwater and he sees the Cracken in full? No.

Everybody notice it? Are you making this up, Cadd? I'm not. There's a shot where Johnny Depp goes underwater and looks back and he can see the Cracken in its fullness. And he says, you ugly motherfucker. No, but here's the thing about it. The Cracken has a rat tail.

there's a flappy thing coming off of the crackin okay that's his genitalia it is not as full as the the actual crackin is wait so you're saying it's he's just got like a limp tentacle or something it's not even a tentacle it's like this flap it's like a wing almost cabin i still don't know if you're being serious i'm 100% serious i saw so in so johnny dep goes underwater at some point in this movie Johnny Depp goes underwater during a crackin attack. Okay. And he looks and he sees the Kraken. I don't remember the shot at all.

It's flapping off down there. And there is some attachment to the Kraken. It's like almost like a ship. Fuck. What a ship flag? The bow of a ship maybe? Yeah, yeah. It's like something like, but like it's the color.

of the Cracken. Oh. I don't know, Kevin. I don't know what you're talking about. I will get a photo of this later. I will go back to the fucking Disney Plus account. And I'll get myself. I'll be vindicated. You got to do it, dude, because I don't know.

I mean, we got the movie on right now. We're just, we're at the dice game part. Okay. Keep an eye out for when one of these cracking attacks happen. I don't want to have to pay attention to this movie again. I have to because I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. He's lying. either way it doesn't matter

at some point they get the chest and it's Johnny Depp Jack Davenport Orlando Bloom and these two other pirates and Kiranightly the two the funny pirates The funny pirates are so fucking popular from that first movie Again they would have had their Disney Plus

Absolutely yes It's R2 and C3PO They deserve like their own droids show Or like a cartoon at least. Timoan and Pumba. Yes, totally. Which, I mean, again,

you called it. It's Rosencrantz and Gilden's turn. These dudes are now like part of the crew because they're trying to steal the black pearl back when they're running from the indigenous people in that sequence. And I guess Jack Sparrow is like, all right, dudes, yeah, just like come with us.

You're part of the crew now. Yeah, well, you need another couple of strapping lads that know how to fucking tie the right knots. It's true. And I guess also, Another thing to mention about these, the hilarious pirate duo here is when we first meet them, they're in like a rowboat, I think, with this dog. And they talk about how, I guess, most of the crew from Jeffrey Rush's, Captain Barbosa's crew in the first movie have since been arrested or something. And they're like these weird, like, born again Christians kind of, because they're mentioning all this shit about, like, trying to do.

better in the eyes of God. And McKenzie crooks like pretending to read the Bible at one point. Right. Yes, I do remember that. It kind of goes nowhere, but it's it's something that they're doing because we look. Dude, it goes nowhere, but they have more characterization than fucking Will Turner himself. Yeah, that's well, that's true.

Now, can I ask you guys, what is the question, what is the motivation for the Flying Dutchman crew people? Because once they know that Davy Jones's heart is on the line, like, oh no, better stop them or we'd be free from them. that's a great call i mean i guess the fear is like and if you fail and he like shakes his like

tentacle hand like that's you know you don't want that go in places i guess yeah i mean i guess they don't know what'll happen if the heart is like stabbed like will they you know turn to skeletons also they might just be used to their life like that eric like they might just come into that place i have spent the last i've spent the last 90 years looking like hideous fucking monster. I'm used to it. It's called Stockholm Syndrome. Oh, actually, that's true. Oh, man, a squidman like nursing you back to health.

But also, to that point, though, like, you don't know if the curse, like, maybe you can get off the Dutch would be, now you're just a hammerhead shark out in the world. Not a lot of opportunities, dude. Actually, that's true. What do I eat? I don't remember. If you didn't turn back into a human, that's a real. I think, like, if the curse is broken and I'm like, cool, I'm freed from the full.

Dutchman. I'm freed from Davy Jones. All of this is great news. Oh, what's that? I still look like one of the fucking street sharks from that cartoon. I'm going to commit suicide. Yeah, but some might want to die. You know, after years of service in this,

you've already died before. It's like the second Jumanji when he decides to stay a horse. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Have you guys seen the second Jumanji movie? No, I'm sorry. Jumangi spoiler. You can cut this. They are way better than they have any business being.

They're better than these movies. Absolutely. But I will say this about that second movie. I think it's actually a selling point. Danny Glover plays a horse. He's a talking horse in that movie. It's fucking better than anything these Pirates movies ever did. Don't think he talks when he's the horse.

He's not talking. I think he like nays and someone's like, oh, blah, blah, blah. He said this. Yeah, you're right. They translate. Damn. If I was a shark person, said, I wouldn't know my biology well enough

to kill myself. Like, can I hang myself? Like, am I a mammal or am I a fish? I forget. Well, at least a shark I could talk. I mean, like, Bill over here, he's got a whole reef as a face. The only thing he can eat is like the detritus from fucking other fucking animals eating other animals. You're totally right. I mean, at least Stalin's Skarsgaard still got like a human face and a mouth with teeth. And then you got like wall guy.

He's just like, well, I'm fucked either way. Wall guy has to be killed I mean wall guy you burn wall guy dude That's like a monster in the thing He leans forward and his brain stays back Thank you very much That's another part of this movie I almost just openly outright vomited during

When that dude pulls himself away from the wall To talk to Orlando Bloom And his fucking brain stays behind Right he just tells him He tells him what the dead man's chest is or something Yeah Yeah it's just another like little character inserted To give you exposition

I don't know I thought it was a pretty hot look. I'll be honest. It's quarantine is doing crazy things to us all, I guess. I don't know. I think I'm kind of into wall guy. I might as well be a wall, right? So, yeah, whatever.

They find this chest on an island and Johnny Depp gets, he opens it up. There's the heart. And he refuses to stab it because if he can, kills Davy Jones. Apparently, the curse is still on him. The Crackin's still coming. Crackin coming. So he's like, there's no point in doing that. He's got to use it. Again, like so much of this movie is like, now here's another bargaining chip I have. Like every character in this movie has like nine bargaining chips. It's true. It's no bargain at all, really. And so when they have the chest, it turns out that that he's not stabbing it because of, that but then will also wants it to release his father and norrington also wants it right because he can go back into the navy yeah because he wants to redeem his name in the eyes of the navy and the right the fucking lord becket will help with that so he's going to try to

capture this is where we get like a mexican standoff but it's with swords a sword standoff is fun it's it's totally fine but then this is where those dudes are like by the way If you are having trouble following the movie, here's the motivation of the following three characters. And you're just kind of like, yeah. And I mean, like, this is, I mean, and that's the thing. It's like, it's a three-person sword fight between Orlando Blune, Johnny Depp, and Jack Davenport, which is kind of cool.

A should be the end of the movie, but B, like, this thing goes on for, like, we're going in sort of a church house for a while. Then the spinning wheel thing happens. Yeah, because now the chart, the heart is still in the chest. And now the key is another McGuffin. Johnny Depp's in this wheel when they, this whole wheel system detaches from a building or whatever the fuck. And they're,

Orlando Bloom and Norrington are fighting on the on the top side. And Johnny Depp's in the undercarriage trying to get this key. He hits his head. He falls out. The other two continue fighting. The movie continues and continues. And it does look really cool. The fight choreography in this movie and then the first one is really great.

This is what first made me like the Pirates movies is the swordsmanship. They do a really great job with it. They just need to let it be like 10 minutes long instead of 30 minutes long. Exactly. Like it's just too much at the end of the day. Yeah. It's like I feel like they're in a room and it's like we've got all these cool ideas for things that could happen in this action sequence. And then they just used all of them.

It's like a fucking Judd Apatow movie. Exactly. A Judd-Apattel fencing movie. I remember when I was a funny person, funny people. Funny people? That's the one. I knocked up Catherine Heigle.

Oh, she's going to have my baby. It's good because I was a 71-year-old virgin for a while. Go to Hill, go we smoked some pot together. Now it's me, Bill Nigh, the king of Staten Island. I'm going straight to video on that one. Yeah, I'm not sorry that that's losing a theatrical release. Finally, a bonus from the coronavirus. I'm seducing LeBron James' best friend, Bill Hader.

Oh, aren't I a train wreck? It's me, the titular train wreck. Oh, no. Is this 40 or is this not 40? This is 75. Oh, man, whatever. So the Dutchman gets to this fucking island. And this is where Davy Jones is like,

may I remind you I can only touch land once every 10 years so you motherfucker's got to get out there and do this for me. So then like an army... I shouldn't have wasted it on that white castle trip for two years. I just needed so many sliders, so

many delicious chicken rings. Oh, are you really truly Neil Patrick Harris? I went to the drive-thru, and I went to the drive-thru, and I all the man said to me was

Pookie, we're going to burn this motherfucker down. Hey, what the hell? Let's go to Guantanamo Bay. Something, something, a 3D Christmas. I never bothered with that third one. No, why would you?

I never saw the second one. Oh, dude, it sucks. Is that going to be May 2021 as you do all the heralding tool movies? I will not appear as a guest on those. Thank you very much I don't care if we're still on lockdown And it's basically harder for me To not be on the podcast

It is to be on it It'll be the lockdown for the next supervirus We'll do that So whatever Every yeah And all Bill Montanahue's fish people Are running after everybody And this is a big fun fucking fight

The two assholes Take the chest But now it's empty Johnny Depp's got the heart In his jacket for a while And that can't be medically okay I mean, I think a heart in a box is probably not very okay. I mean, you total, total, like, bottom, you know, like, worst-case scenario, you need, like, a styrofoam cooler for that thing.

Do you remember the One Tree Hill clip that this went around? I never watched One Tree Hill, but it's like they're transporting a heart in a styrofoam cooler. And the guy, Steve, and the guy trips and a dog eats it? No, get the fucking. It's amazing. I never saw One Tree Hill, but I saw that clip a ton of time. Exactly. That's having a lovely time.

The only part of One Tree Hill I've ever seen, and it's perfect. Was that like a, was that show like a comedy? No. Not at all. Who hired, who desecrated his body? Who fucking hired Rodney Dangerfield, the dog to make that comedic move then? Some genius.

So whatever. They fucking do all this shit. Davenport winds up with he's got the heart he takes the heart and he fucks off everybody else goes back on the black pearl all of the other main characters and this is when the final crack and attack sort of happens and it's again

it's a great sequence but at this point like I feel like I have been sprinting a marathon with this movie and I'm like and it sucks because this crack and attack is awesome and they're like fighting back against the crack him and like you know will turner comes up with the idea of like wait for the tentacles to come up in front of the cannons and then blow the cannons and it's all cool shit but like he's getting a leadership quality there the character's growing a little bit by learning those

tactics uh johnny depp as jack sparrow obviously who's not playing anyone else in this film he voiced the crackin too eric wrong he voices the flap of the crackin you saw in your memory but he sacrifices the rum he sacrifices the rum makes a rum bomb or whatever blows up some of these tentacles and it's like you know we get so many lines why is the rum gone because that's a catchphrase now but this is this is an insane waste of time character doing a circular thing it's like this crack and attack is happening and it's like it's like the big bad one it's like the end of the movie and jack sparrow like walks off in a rowboat and he's like, you know, going away from the ship and is a Kieranitely, someone spots him. Yeah. And they're like, oh, look at that fucking coward or whatever. And he's out of the sequence. And so then it's like we're doing with, you know, who we have on the boat. We're getting through with this plan. The Krakhan's going to do this. You know, Orlando Bloom's like, I'm going to dump these fucking barrels of gunpowder and this, that and the other thing. And you just have to Kieran nightly. shoot one of these barrels it's going to blow up the cracking and whatever and so like that's the setup for the scene and she's about to do it and then all of a sudden again because it's super easy to just get back on boats in this in this franchise johnny dep is just back on the boat and he's like i'll take it from here i changed my mind yeah and jack's barrel has this heroic shot of the gunpowder canister and i'm like no what are you doing like there's no point to that at all because it looked like for a moment we were going to give a woman something to do in this movie and we needed to have Jack Sparrow appear from literally nowhere and stop that. It's insane. He's like a hundred

yards out this fucking rowboat. And then two seconds later he's like, I'm right behind you love. Let me take it from here. And you're like, all right. If you must, Jack Sparrow. Because this movie loves to literally and figuratively spin its wheels. That's just what we're doing. The thing's kind of blowing up a little bit, but the Cracken's still alive. And this is when Cura Knightley, they had like some flirtatious thing earlier where it's like, oh, you really want me, no, you don't, I'm a good guy. She thinks he's really good and he thinks she's really bad and nobody knows which is which. And if they meet in the middle, they could have sex. But at the end she's like coming on to him and she makes out with him and she actually chains him to the boat because the thing the cracket is after jack sparrow not anybody else right she says like you know the crackin's not after the black pearl it's after you right which is active quote unquote cowardice of fleeing in this robo would have been a heroic thing yeah right yeah exactly if he was like come on it's what you know it wants me come and get me and he fucking knows that too which is kind of why this sort of

doesn't make sense at all. Like he totally knows that. So you're right, Eric, if that was what he was doing, that actually would have been kind of cool because guess what? He gets fucking eaten by this thing anyway. So you could have saved 15 minutes right here. That's the thing.

That's the thing. We had to see its angry mouth hole, which kind of looks like an angry butthole. It does. This is asshole dentata. Yes, it is. Asshole dentata. Exactly.

Thanks, guys. It also, So her flirting with and kissing Johnny Depp gives Will something to look at and he's very mad. And I assume that comes up in the third one. I did not see the third one, nor will I watch it with you. I don't remember if they addressed that at all. I would imagine they have to. He looks pretty pissed.

Right. Isn't it Norington that sets that up, though? Because doesn't Nooynton start like sowing those seeds earlier on in the movie? because he says something to Kira Knightley about like, oh, is it sure? Are you sure that it's, you know, Will Turner you're doing this for and not a certain other drunken pirate

in this movie? Yes, yeah. And then he gets sprayed with this ass knot and then the one academy voter that was like, no, he's better than Bill Murray in Lost in Translation. I don't want, oh, oh, I wasted my vote. I mean, you can't do retroactive.

performance judging. It's true. I mean, would that you could indeed. But, you know, at the time of the voting for the Black Pearl performance, he didn't know or she didn't know that casting that vote, they were casting a vote for a character that would be sprayed

by the Cracken's ass juice of the sequel. You just never know. I mean, hindsight's 2020, you guys. And then I'm at the Cracken again. Yeah, it could happen. Any beloved character of performance like Forest Gump could have been sprayed with ass juice and fucking Forest Gump, too. Ah, it's spitting on me.

Et cetera. F.R. Abraham and Avedeus too gets sprayed with ash juice. There's shrimp soup, shrimp face. That's David Jones. I'm not him. Mystic River, too. Sean Penn's trying to expand his Boston Crime Empire. He's just spit in the face with cracking ass juice and Southie. That's what they did at the MTV Movie Awards. Best kiss, the ass cracket and Jack Sparrow. Alan Arkin won his Oscar for getting sprayed in Little Miss Sunshine.

That's what happens. At the end, they all dance on stage and they all get sprayed with ash juice. Those pageants get wild. that was a great caneer's asked you specifically oh yeah so they they fight this crack

and they sort of like blow it up not really and then yes she handcuffs him to the ship oh no

it's Stephen Hawking in the theory of everything too getting sprayed with ass juice stop I got sprayed with ass juice

professor his computer shorting out yeah That's not, you know, it's not bad at me. It's bad for you, Steve, for fucking bringing that to the table. You know what, dude? Maybe it'll get cut and maybe it won't. Fucking come find me.

I'm in my house. Quarantine is doing crazy things to us all. What if I did get sprayed by ass juice? What if we went right to the ass hospital where I get sprayed with ass juice? Oh, man. So, yeah, the crackin comes up and fucking swallows him whole. He's got the line, Allo Beastie. And I remember specifically in the fucking theater,

Allo Beastie, this theater went apeshit. They were like cheering him on. He was taking it to hell tonight, man. Like the audience knew, here's Jack Sparrow sacrificing himself until the third movie. You know what I mean? And they were going fucking, Yeah, get the fucking beastie.

Hello, beastiality. How about you get penetrated by my whole body? Yeah. So he's swallowed up and that's kind of really the end of it. The pearl goes down, you know, with the whole thing here. They sort of just watch, like, from afar. And you're like, okay, kind of a great place to leave it, almost. Sure.

But then like you, there's, I mean, there's so much more of this movie. But it's like Norrington, you see him go to the, the trading company guy. What's his name? Eckhart. Beckett. Oh, Beckett. Oh, Beckett. Lord Beckett. Oh, my God.

It's the dark lord of the tea or whatever they trade. And he's like, you know, oh, you wanted that fucking compass. Well, guess what? What if I had something better? And he fucking hucks this bag with a heart onto the death. And that's sort of like the end of that whole thing. And then like there's this nonsense scene back with Naomi Harris. And we're like giving a fucking toast to Jack Sparrow.

This is some more Will Turner getting pissed off about that smooch because they're all like, oh, did Captain Jack Sparrow and Kira Knightley's like, he was a good man. And he fucking looks like, the fuck did you say about that pirate? What did you say? And at Chelsea's point, this is like too gloomy for this franchise. I'm sorry. Like, it just, we should be having more fun here. Also, like, so you think it should be less an empire ending and more of a Jedi ending

where everybody's just dancing around a fire? I just think it should be a fucking Indiana Jones on to the next adventure, you guys. Yep, you're totally right. The problem is connecting the movies. But the first one manages to end, like, an Indiana, like, all right, time to keep pirating. Like, just end your movies that way.

But, yeah, you're right. It doesn't specifically set up the journey. of the next movie. Who cares? Who remembers a year later? I watched this movie yesterday and I barely remember what happened. No one remembers. No one cares. Just keep pirating. I agree. I think Norrington, like, I think he went to too much trouble. You could have just cut out a, like, a cow's heart and given that to him and say like, yeah, yeah, that's David Jones's heart. Sign me my freedom. Yeah, think, thanks. Okay, zoinks.

Oh man, that's a fucking fish heart right there, brother. No, no, yeah, yeah, the cracket, too. Yeah, you just, I don't know, but fumble it. Oh, don't touch it with your raw hands or else, yeah, you'll, you'll get cursed. Oh, you never know, you know, maybe there's Cowie Jones, and it's like a land version of Davy Jones, and he's got utters for beards. Dude, if one of these sequels has them go to a mystical island where it's kind of just Dr. Marose Island. Yeah. And there's fucking cowmen. Yeah. I'm kind of on board. And he's got a milcom. I'll see one of those dudes swash buckling with his fucking teeth out.

That'd be great, dude. But so yeah, Naomi Harris is like, yeah, you know, it's a real bummer that Jack Sparrow died. Hey, would you kids like another movie? And she just lays out. She's like, oh, you're bummed that he's dead, huh? Well, how about you bring him back from the dead? Here's what you got to do for that next fucking movie you got to go to the world's end and find fuckety fuck whatever the hell but you need a captain who knows

those waters and you realize this whole time in the last five to seven seconds of this movie what it was missing the whole time is the best part of the first movie it's fucking Jeffrey Rush is Barbosa and in his line he just goes so tell me

what's become of my ship and he bites into that apple and I'm like oh god damn it that was awesome and this apple is it's like an apple water balloon this thing goes up like a fucking like a grenade in his mouth well because dude he's still he's still super psyched

to be tasting food again so he's just biting into shit like an animal he knows how to bite stuff well that's all yeah so yeah I mean that's we sort of ended so what is the fucking wait so what's the stinger though it doesn't actually have anything to do with setting up the third movie no it's the dog

Oh, and he's just the king of that island now? Get this love. Get this love. Dog is God backwards. Savvy. Savvy. He may still get eaten. We don't know. That is devastating news for that dog.

And here's this dog. He thinks everyone's giving him this attention, only to eat him. It's so sad. But yeah, that is blissfully the end of this movie, which I think. is the longest of these movies. Oh, thank God. We finally, we got over the hill here and everything starts dialing back.

I'm glad to join you for this one. What were you saying, Eric? Oh, I said we flatten the curve. We flatten the runtime curve. God willing. But yeah, so at World's End, oh, actually, I'm terribly sorry, everybody. At World's End is the longest movie. Oh, nice.

Oh, get ready for this. It's definitely two watches. it's two hours and 49 minutes. I hear you paint pirate ships. I mean, my God. And that honestly has to be why I fell asleep when we saw at the theaters. There was only so much I could do.

Nearly three hours of that horseshit. But with the previews and everything, you're in there for three and a half hours. A little bit of inside baseball. I'm so glad that we're taking a break next week to record our episode on The Ring on Patreon. Gorbivinsky is the ring. Yeah, no, that's coming up, Steve Sadek.

I will say this. That was a movie. I saw it in the theaters. I fucking shit my pants throughout the entire thing. I had not seen Ringu at the time. I was not hip to J. Horror in any way. But this movie scared the living shit out of me and Brian Cox's hilarious cinema suicide. I've seen one horrifying scene of that movie, and that was enough. The horse? Yeah.

Yeah, that horse gets it. Horse suicide, too, in that movie. Coming up on patreon.com slash we hate movies. But that is the end. of our discussion of Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest from Ot Six, directed by Gore Verbinski. And the next time you will see us, we are indeed chatting about Pirates of the Caribbean.

Which one is it, Steve? This is at World's End coming up next week. At World's End. Call them 3, 4, 5. Oh, trust me, you know where I stand. I'm with you. Steve, I think with these, you should use these movies as the example, Steve. Yeah, that's true.

Because you never know which is which. I was so afraid I was watching the wrong one and I was going to come here and be like, guys, right? And you'd be like, that's not this movie. Would anybody recommend this movie? We'll start with our guest for the week. Chelsea, would you recommend this movie? I don't think so.

I feel like these movies, time has come and gone. The ship has sailed, as it were. If you liked it, you might still like it. If you were kind of eh on it, it's just going downhill from there. If you never saw it, I mean, we have nothing else to do, so I guess watch it. But, like, I don't know. There's still other things to watch instead of this. Fair enough.

Steve Zadak? No. I don't like any of these movies. I don't even think this is that good of a hangover movie just because it's so the TDM is really large. It's a lot less fun, I feel, than the last movie as well. Although I do think Bill Nahi and this design is really cool. but other than that, not much. Eric Siska.

Yeah, I would say, I mean, the first movie is better, and I didn't really recommend it that hard, so I can't really recommend this one. But I do think it could be a hangover situation because I do think the CGI really holds up, maybe even more than the Skeleton Men of the last film. It takes forever, so you could sleep through large swarths of it. But at the end of the day, not really now.

Totally. Chris Cabin? Fuck this movie. Never watch this. I love Chris's recommends. This fucking shit sucks. It's okay to like a movie. I want to mention, get that in.

There's a lot of people that have an affinity for this series. They have nostalgia for this series. I'm very happy for them. This fucking sucks. Are kids watching these movies like little kids like on Disney Plus just putting this shit on? Well, think about like people who saw this in the theaters now have kids, right? Yeah, that's a good point. yeah i mean i guess so those people are subjecting their children to this movie that's the thing is like i feel people

like adults who are younger than us probably have a stronger affinity for these movies um yeah that makes sense especially like the later sequels which just like they came and went like i never even when that fourth one was announced and was like being advertised for and whatnot i would never for a second was like i'm going to see that movie you know what i mean i think that kind of says it all Because we go to all sorts of shit. We go to the theater for all sorts of shit. I can turn you all to Ash right now because a listener of this program I saw mentioned on social media that, oh, you know, I love those first three movies when I was in the sixth grade. Oh, yeah.

We are all super old. And people are even older than us and they feel even worse about that statement. Could you imagine being older than us? There's plenty. I don't know that I'd recommend this either. I mean, the problem with it being a hangover movie is that the beauty of a hangover movie, like a real right, tried and true, perfect hangover movie is a movie that you can dip in and out of consciousness with because you're so hungover and you're just trying to like sleep it off on the couch.

And when you wake up, you can still follow the movie. Yeah. This you cannot do it. I don't think you can do it with any of these movies really. Maybe with that first one, you know, from the two and a third that I've seen. You can't do it while being awake either Exactly, I mean this movie specifically The first one may be

Because I'm trying to think I think last week I said that this was maybe a hangover movie But yeah this one no It's definitely not you just you can't fucking follow it If you're passing out And if you're awake and listening to it I mean my God that's just churning your stomach Plus all the gross fucking barnacle pirates

I mean that's Especially if you were out drinking and eating Like shrimp cocktail all night Or any sort of rum Any rum specifically that's a good call. If you were like fucked up on rum and you're hungover. Oh, Jesus. That's a bad one. And you go to watch these movies, forget it, dude. Because they're just

swilling the stuff that's making you vomit right now. But that is now the end of our dead man's chest conversation. Stay tuned next week for at World's End. We're, I believe, am I remembering right? We are welcoming back friend of the show, Ben Worcester. Correct. That is awesome.

You know Ben Worcester from guesting on this show. He's of course the co-host of Eric Cisca's hooked on T. J. Hooker. Yes, the most useless podcast in existence where we are recapping every single episode of T.J. Hooker in order. We're on season three, episode 13 coming up. And all the guys have been on the show before. So check it out if you want to waste some time under quarantine. Dude, you guys are blowing through this series, by the way. What do you got like two seasons left? Yeah. And by calculation, since we do it monthly, I think we have a few more years of this. Where can they find info about that program? You know, on Twitter at T.J. Hooker Podcast or T.J. Hooker Podcast.com or just find it on iTunes or wherever, you know.

There you go. For non-pirate related material this month. So this is a lot of fun. Chelsea, I want to thank you for suffering our buffoonery for the last two hours. Thank you for having me. Love you guys. Love the show. I'm really happy to have done this, even for this movie. It's kind of nice to also talk to people who aren't me and work people. I mean, it's not like we're not talking to each other all the time and getting a little sick of each other probably. Where can folks find your work on the internet? I'm on Twitter at Chelsea Dupin.

I run a pop culture newsletter called Extra Extra. The link to subscribe to that is in my Twitter bio. There's also an Instagram account for it, if that's more your speed, at Extra ExtraGram. Very good. But yeah, that's it. I'm excited to talk about The Ring next week. week in our recordings, and we're going to get that out for the Patreon people.

Patreon.com slash we hate movies as May goes on here. What else are we doing? We got a Jetsons Animation's Animation Damnation? A Jetsons Animation Damination, Eric. Who are we doing on a Gleepe Glosser? Oh, we're doing one of the Gormarian guards. That's one of the pig people from Jabba's Palace. Love those pig people, dude.

Yeah, we're going to get in the slop with that guy. Which one are we talking about, Gary? I think it's like Gartog or something. I'll have the materials in front of me when we do it. Oh, it's Gar-Tog. They just call them Gary for short, dude. For sure. Or, Tog. Hey, Tog. All right, apologies for this fucking extended outro on this episode.

I don't think I've beefed it this bad in show history. Well, it's just like the movie. We're going to end a few times before we do it. All right, guys, now I'm going to bring out the rolling water wheel. No! So until next week, with Pirates of the Caribbean colon at World's End. Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek.

R.X. Cic. Chris Cabin. Tulsi Jupin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.