We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 485 - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (with Ben Worcester)

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

On this week's show, Pirate Madness takes another soul when Hooked on TJ Hooker's Ben Worcester drops by to chat about the incredibly bloated third installment in the franchise, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End! Who thought of starting a Disney movie with a child hanging? Does Davy Jones really look like a monster only because he's bad at his job? And what's with all those crabs? PLUS: Look out! It's a.... GIANT... WOMAN! Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End stars Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush, Jack Davenport, Bill Nighy, Jonathan Pryce, Lee Arenberg, Mackenzie Crook, Kevin McNally, Stellan Skarsgård, Tom Hollander, Chow Yun-Fat, Keith Richards, and Naomie Harris; directed by Gore Verbinski. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, two hours and 49 minutes. It's Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End. I'm Andrew Jupin. Multiple Stephen Sadex. Eric Cisca and Chris Cabin. Oh, wait. We're not doing the pirity name thing anymore. You could do a pirate name.

Do a pirate name. If you want to do a pirate name, do a pirate name. I'm Barnacle Ben. And we hate movies. I'm not you're going to be I'm going to I'm going to

I'm going to I'm going to the same I'm going to I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, this is week three of Pirate Mania, and we are very happy to be joined by our guest. good buddy, Ben Worcester. He is channeling in remotely from the high seas. How are you, sir? Oh, I'm doing just fine. Just fine. Good to see you all again. I've been stranded on this island here. Waiting for the good ship

W.HM to sail by. Oh, WHM. WHM Pinafore is what they call that. Yeah. Yeah, yes. Nobody can see this right now, unfortunately, because we are not live streaming this episode, but Ben Worcester is presenting here on this live stream with the best

Will Turner facial hair. This mustache and go tea combo, buddy. I'm loving it. You know, I wanted to come decked out for this episode. And fortunately, when I'm quarantined and the beard goes wild, it comes in

exactly like this. That's excellent. Well, the camera cutting this off, but I have crabs, so. Oh, nice. Oh, okay. Oh, no. Did stone crabs? They're just hang.

You're saying, so Stephen Sadek is recording this without pants on right now, and there's some crabs, like, just like, eviscerating his pubic region. Just clipping around. NSFW, man. NSFZ, to be honest.

Not safe for Zoom. So, yeah, this is Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End from 2007, directed by Gore Vibinsky. This is the last one that he is affiliated with. Or do they throw him in as like an executive producer on those last two cabin? I think so. I think he gives a producing credit until like the end of time with these.

Yeah, like you just get grandfathered in with that shit. This is the one we've been telling the story for a while now. But me, Chris and Steve went and saw this movie at the Regal Union Square. One of the, well, it used to be one of the worst theater. in the city. I was going to say it's at World's End, basically. I'm a fan of that.

I've always been a fan of that theater. I don't know. It's kind of a junk heap, but I like it. Yeah. You know what it is, dude? And this is me, totally old man yells at Cloud.

I understand. You are like right near like the new school and NYU. Like, it's right there is you got to fucking put up with that shit. Anyway,

this is where I fell asleep. It was the only one Steve saw in theater. Chris, I think you made it through the entire thing. I did, and I remember nothing, but, man, coming back to it, it all, like, oh, my God, what a waste of time. I watched this last night, and I remember nothing. Is that good?

It forces you to, like, erase your memory as you're watching it. Ben, what is your pirates experience specifically with this movie? Although I do want to say, just because you said you went to sleep, I read some IMD trivia that Cure Knightley herself at the premiere. fell asleep and has never seen this entire movie due to exhaustion she says in air quotes she's like I love these movies but I was just

so exhausted I fell asleep but I never watch my movies after the fact yada yada yada yada I've never seen this one you know and that's a bummer for her because to say inspired by Eric's nice comment about Dead Man's chest last week I'll say this week a nice thing about

this movie I think it's really great that they gave her so much more to do in this movie and I think that she executes it really nicely. I think she's good in this movie. But I think there's a lot, like, she definitely hasn't seen Nuttosser in the four realms. Nuttosser.

It is a nuttosser. Wait, so she's in nutcrack, sorry. Yeah, that was a flub, sure. I didn't even know she was in Nutcrackers. Yeah, she's like a princess or something. Yeah, it's her and Morgan Freeman and somebody else. So she's a princess in that. And in this movie, she becomes a

pirate king true yeah yes about that dude but sorry we cut off Ben Ben what is your pirate experience

specifically and what's this movie you watch these in theaters were your pirate head back in aught seven

uh well I did see the first one and I have a memory of it being good like a now to be fair I have not watched

or like kept up I'm going into this blind in the sense that like thinking my experience with the first one and the second one, I'd be fine to just like pick up. But that is not the case. I had struggled to keep up with, with this movie from the

get-go. But I did see the first two. And I do remember the first one, like, being kind of like, you know, it was sharp in a sense. Like, Jack Sparrow has a pretty memorable opening. Like, the way he comes in. Isn't he on? a ship that's sinking and then he steps right onto the dock like yep i remember that and i saw that back in like 2003 um i will probably go back in because i the curiosity is piqued now but uh um i never saw i think the second one kind of broke me a little bit because it was like it just dragged on i remember like in the first one it's like we have already reached the world's end with this second one because it just fell off a cliff yeah absolutely uh i

I can say, just from our conversation last week, you're not missing anything. But, but, but the introduction to the squid people and the barnacle pirates and all of those fucking monstrosities. I really thought that shit was kind of contained to the last movie, but it's all over this. It's all over it. We were, we were talking about this last week, I think, and it would have just been

better if these movies, we had no story continuation. And they were like James Bond type things. Yeah. Yeah, and the last one we're fighting the squid people, and this one we're fighting Calypso or whatever, or maybe we're fighting the British government and all sorts of stuff. Or we're just fucking looking for treasure, for Christ's sake. Right.

Is that possible? There's no pirating that goes on. Like, rob another ship. Like, is that what pirating is? Yeah, there's so much like talk about, like, all these pirates are fucking being, what do you call it, they're persecuted, yada, yada, yada. But they don't fucking pirate anything. What's more interesting than that is Pirate Congress.

Dude, now that is what you want to see. That's what you want to go to. If the prequels... If the prequels taught us anything, it's that people love congressional hearings of Gleepclops and Monstars. Exactly. We need to dig into the politics of this pirate world, man. Before we do that, I said on the first episode of this Pirate series,

send me some slash fiction and someone sent me Davy Jones slash Will Turner. Oh. And I thought maybe we'd give it a read and if you guys can abort it at any moment. And obviously this is graphic. If you have children in the automobile, let them out before you drive off the cliff. Eric, totally, totally. What is slash fiction? Does that involve like sword fights?

Is that what's going on here? Yes, yes, yes. It's a meat sword against meat sword. Oh, you understand? I see. I think technically, dude, in this story, you're about to read it's meat sword versus fucking dude's tentacle face.

Oh, boy. Now, this is called The Depths, okay? So I'm going to start reading now. Relax. Enjoy. When Will did, and I'm just jumping around, like I'm jumping into it because you don't need the romance. I'm just going to head off for smoke.

Is that cool? Can I say really quickly Before you get started So I saw the message come in Over the Transom here When this person sent us the link to this story And out of morbid curiosity And just every day old perversion

I decided to click on the link And check out the story And this thing, I got to tell you It is the problem with all Slash Fiction As well as all articles where you're looking for a recipe for food they give you this huge

fucking Bible length story before you get to what you want and like with slash fiction it's like I don't need the 12 pages of them seducing each other just get down to the sucking and the fucking well now I'm thinking about like just those recipe things like I you know it's always

hard to feed my guys and all the stuff that goes on we got so many picky eaters here anyway Jim Kirk is sucking off Spock and uh Wait, wait a second. So you're telling me in this story, someone's going to blow the man down. And with that, Eric.

Hardy, ha, ha, here we go. Okay, so obviously I'm getting right into it. So the first sentence will make sense. Sure. When Will didn't harden, one slimy tentacle probed at his opening before snaking into his body. Snaking! So it's like a tentacles going into a penis right now. Yes, yeah, I'm getting it.

I'm somewhat understanding that. Will's eyes snapped open as he thrashed in his bonds. His breath came in harsh gasps as the appendage stilled, curling as it pressed against him, sucking gently. So like, you know, like the tendrils and the tentacles are like sucking his thing. The cups, the cups are sucking. From like inside out, too, maybe? I don't know.

I'd be paranoid that this guy's going to fucking rip it off, man. Not for nothing. Yeah. Will Turner, I can suck you all night long. Will Turner, you'll get access to tentacle number 23. You'll have clean paws for the rest of your life. Will's back arched as he gave a sharp, desperate cry. His struggles growing fiercer as his cock began to stir.

Oh, there he goes, finally. Ben, just how long do you think you'd have to get sucked by a fishman before you started to stir, you think? That is a good question. This is a fish man? Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. Okay, okay. I mean, I guess that doesn't make that much of a difference, fish man, fish, wady.

You know, are we underwater? Am I, you know? You're definitely underwater. You're definitely underwater. Okay. Fishman underwater. I give it... In this scenario, you can also breathe underwater. Okay. Oh, that makes a big difference.

Yeah, that's a big one, right? I knew that would be a real curveball. Because, you know, if I can't, I'd probably pass out before I get to, you know, the moment of... But that might be like, that might enhance the experience, like, audio erotic asphyxiation. Oh, for sure. Also, Ben, this is not like a cod or a monkfish. This is a squid tendril. Okay.

Not, you know, Fishman. I know that that covers a lot. It does. Octopus's gardens coming for your dick. Yeah, yeah.

That's more of what we're talking about here. I mean, probably two minutes or under, because you got all those arms. Like, you know, you're compounding the work. It's like exponential.

Personally, I wouldn't last more than five seconds. Can someone get me the master and commander? theme but under this whole thing while Eric has been reading this lovely story. Now, Chris, this is the best part here. Okay. Oh, good. The best

part. Yeah, and then we can move on. Everyone wants to hear about the fun movie. For sure. I'm sure. The tentacles left Will's cock curling up to Jones's Oh, of course. Will closed his eyes so he didn't have to watch. Afraid if he did, he would puke and drown in it. oh my god time passed he wasn't sure how long long enough that he expected the tentacles still stretching him anyway now i'm i'm going to stop this is abhorrence

i don't know why we read it but thank you listener for sending it in and we don't we don't condone anything that happens on our own podcast no i i also don't know why we read it but my wife um had had a bit of it was on the live journal in the arts and was a around the slash fiction community did you know that this movie has a place in the slash fiction community in their darkest day, which is something called the great

or not the great, I'm adding the great, strike through and debold through, which is a day that will live in infamy in those communities. We're in. Thank you for specifying that this will be a day that lives in infamy in that community. First, specific

dead blog format site. I feel dumber for having heard about this. It was in late May, right around when this movie, when this movie came out, they, uh, they, uh, suspended a ton of accounts for, uh, posting incest, uh, involved, uh, fan fiction, uh, rape involved, uh, fan fiction, underage fan fiction. And everyone got all up in arms like, hey, dude, this is just fan fiction. We're having a good time here. And like, there was like a call to arms among the community that was this.

song that is sung in the beginning of this Pirates movie. So that's what people were doing where they're like, we are like these pirates being led to the gallows because I can't have the two supernatural brothers fucking and suck at each other. That's the dumbest and saddest thing that I've ever heard.

And that is a top line understanding of it. I'm sure there's more deep, you know, don't, you could go anywhere to post that type of stuff, right? I mean, it doesn't like it doesn't have to be specific to live journal. Yeah, this smut's not fit for

live journal. Wait, how are they all singing a song? Like, were they all post the lyrics. Okay. Yeah, like, or like even like images of the song and so on. Hosting in unison. What they're currently listening to when they blog. Yes, my brothers. Yeah, so that's that. But I don't know,

I don't know much more than that. So I'm not going to get into it. And maybe there's, maybe there is good people's on all sides. I'm sure there were. Exactly. And, you know, maybe the person that wrote the depths is normal and sure the person who wrote

the depths is a kindergarten teacher so we start with my European history is spotty guys I'm not

you know I don't know everything about it weird was there a great pirate genocide that I missed like the way

we treat this so seriously and so solemnly I'm like what the fuck movie am I watching dude this was insane

it was again yeah just like you said I thought I turned on the wrong fucking file. I was like, what is this fucking Holocaust documentary on Disney Plus? I thought it was all black and white and the little kid had a

red coat on. Like, it really is that intense. There was a little kid that is led to the gallows in this sequence with other pirates. And I guess this kid's a pirate. And it just reminded me of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Yes. Right. It's right. This exact same thing. Yeah. But

in this one, he gets it. He doesn't get saved by anybody. Which is cool. I do like, they're like, oh, well, here's a barrel. He's too short for the news and like, well, here's a barrel for you, young master. That'll help you out. I got to hand it to Disney

first two minutes and you have like a hundred deaths plus a kid gets it. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. You know. I mean, that's a good point because you see the, you see the Disney castle at the start of this movie like, oh, look at that beautiful inequality.

It represents. And then you can't down and you just have all this murder it's bonkers man and it's like everything is gray and drab and like just not I'm not having a fun time with the movies everybody it's not been the

piles of bodies it's not been the stakes of these movies thus to this point it's been like you know adventure stuff and like yeah that guy the bad Beckett is always like wagging his finger at pirates but it wasn't like I will execute every last fucking pirate I find I know he's really

amped it up since the last movie and let me say because he has his fucking finale in this movie this Lord Beckett is the single worst movie villain I can remember in a really long time. I don't know what his motivations

are aside from like sort of money and power but like it's so vague he has like almost no scenes in this movie or the last one. This is the Amadeus guy right? Yeah, yeah it's the guy that looks like Tom Hules exactly and he like I think that idea is like he represents the East India

trading company and his whole thing is like if I can eliminate all the pirates I don't have to worry about my trade routes being you know pilfered and whatnot total dominion over the sea that's what he want that's what they want is complete dominion over the scene how do you do that

you you have control over all the pirates I guess well I mean it's like if you kill a pirate there's going to be another pirate like it's not it's not a person it's not like a it's not a race of people. It's a profession. They're pirates, dude. They're the fucking

terrorists of the high seas. It's a lifestyle. I'm sure they're very great people. Yeah, but he wants to be able to pick the pirates he has to go up again. I also don't know what like constitutes a pirate. Like how could there be this many pirates in the beginning and then

that many pirates at the end after some of these might not be strictly pirates because they're leading out, they're reading out this like this new bill or whatever law that's like all laws are suspended. Like you have no right to gather. You have no right to protest.

The rights to assembly, habeas corpus, counsel and jury are all suspended. Which is America 2021. Like we're getting ready for it. That's right. It is. And I will eat my neighbors. I will eat

Davey Jones's ass. Two things. I will post slash fiction about incest and I will eat my neighbors. You cannot stop me from doing none of it. Hillary Clinton wants to stop you from posting stuff about Bart Simpson getting it on. I will admit it. I will admit it.

I'll eat Lord Beckett's ass. I would take a fork and knife to it and I would eat his asshole completely. You want to hang me? You want to hang me? All right, well, just put the noose around my neck and just tug a little bit. Oh, that's it.

Yeah. All right. That did it. That's, I'm good. So this kid starts singing this song. Oh. And it's really beautiful and haunting. Free the internet perverts.

And this guy goes, the Disney classic. He runs into Beckett's office. They've started singing so. And he's like, finally. And I'm like, finally what? Finally what? So then we go to Jabba's Palace, which is actually, this is so the beginning of Return of the Jedi. And it pretty much, dude, we're sneaking into a fucking stronghold to break out

our friend. I think there's a lot of Return of the Jedi in this, including the, um, the toilet flush, which we'll get to like fighting over a pit like that just seems very. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. And we're like definitely bouncing from like one, you know, craft to another. Oh, and Johnny Depp turns a cannon around to shoot it at the ship he's on. This is Princess Leia. Yep. Oh, you're totally right. Wow. Also, this movie definitely has end of original trilogy syndrome where, like, in the last hour of this movie, we are making sure that every single minor character that you've seen in these last three movies gets like their time to shine. It's too much.

We're like following over 10 characters in this. It's also why Beckett's not a person. Like, cut it down. I mean, but it's also like avoiding finality. like the end of it is like, no, no, no, no, there's just going to, there's going to be more adventures, you know, maybe not as big as adventures about what had just happened there.

But adventures, nonetheless, no, it can't end. It can't end. Nothing could top this movie, right, folks, but, you know, maybe we'll be back. Maybe we will. Well, maybe we will. The ball is to set up the fourth movie in this movie when you're trying to end this trilogy. I'm like, you've got to stop. I just want to correct you

on one thing, Steve. They're not setting up the fourth movie. They're showing you the first 30 minutes of the fourth movie. I mean, it is insane. Like, this movie ends. And there's another, like, 35 minutes which could strictly be dumped

into Pirates of the Caribbean Four. I should not know what his exact mission is for the next movie at the end of this movie. You can have a thing where it's like, oh, here's the next naughty adventure. And then that's not the plot

of the fourth movie, but the plot of the fourth movie is him finding the fucking fountain a youth. Don't do that. Leave that. So I guess it didn't work, huh? I mean, we'll get there next week, I guess. It's reversed, dude. He just

fucking turns into Keith Richards. So how confused were you at this opening, Ben, having not seen the second movie where everyone, like, we're in Singapore. Oh, I had no idea what was going on. The whole seal team

pirate, like, break in. I was just like, this is making zero sense. They seem to be very like goal driven here, but I have no idea why. And then Chow Yun-Fat all of a sudden is part of the mix. And he wasn't in the second one, right? Or was he?

No, no. Chow-Yan-Fat is in this movie and that's it. And it sucks because I think he's doing a pretty good job in this movie. But anytime I see Chow-Yan-Fat in like a bad like Hollywood movie, I'm just reminded of all the times Chow-Jon-Fet was awesome in Hong Kong movies

like watching this well yeah I just like I wanted to watch like hard boiled or something instead no you didn't

you didn't want to watch Bulletproof monk I've never seen it but I hear it to stay tuned yeah probably it's I saw that in the theater oh nice well you were a big

Sean William Scott fan yeah of course he was a he's like the pirate king of Singapore sort of or whatever's well pretty much yeah yeah and so Gibbs

and that whole crew are coming in like the penguins crew like they're coming in underneath everything and then the monkey is cranking the Tom Waits machine that makes the Tom Waits music

start playing We stand to like for Singapore Yeah That's the monkey cranking it And then Wait the monkey's cranking it You want the monkey to cranker? It was the best part of the movie

It's the monkey cranking it It's funny because Ben you said that this was like pirate team six I was thinking also like these pirates dude and this is like I call them like the lovable pirates like our Disney collective of pirates at this point like Jack Sparrow's

crew the recurring characters for all three movies so far they're coming out of the water dude like it's fucking Vietnam with these helmets on and everything they're after Colonel Kurtz right now apparently I do appreciate the ripleyization of

Kiranetli's character Elizabeth Swan in this, but they go, it's a little too much when, like, she goes, she shows up at the palace gates or whatever. And she's like, they're like, oh, you have to relinquish all your weapons. And she starts taking them out. She pulls a gun out of her ass, like very specifically, a shotgun. She like kind of cranks and hold on. Where's that been hiding? Yeah, Jesus. This is, it's kind of funny, though, and this is, you know, it's maybe it's a mildly unfair criticism to weigh on this joke, but like, it's just awful watching her pull a fucking huge gun out of her ass like that. But like, if it was Gibbs doing it, I wouldn't blink.

Gibbs, that makes total sense. I'm just like, oh, Kira Knightley, not you too. You're pulling guns and swords out of nooks and crannies? I just don't believe it coming out. That blunderbuss is not coming out that clean. Either way. Gibbs has a lot more cranny space, right? Like, it's more believable. Right, more internal compartments you could put stuff. But it reminded me of Jack Nicholson pulling out that long pistol in Batman. Yes, yeah, totally. Will Turner has been arrested or whatever has been seized because he tried to steal these scrolls. And they're like, you know, obviously he's like, well, all these one white guy just got tried to steal from me.

And now all these other white people are showing up. What's going on here kind of a thing? this was a breakout mission they're they're going in for will in this in this opening scene and yeah scrolls to wherever and they know so so ben just to catch you up really quickly the tail end of the last movie is jack sparrow is presumed dead and so they they hear from uh the the woman in this movie who winds up being calypso right in the last movie she's like hey man here's the thing you could go get jack back you just have to go to the world's end to do it um and so that's why they're like all on this mission together right because we have to we have to save uh jack sparrow is the idea okay and the last time that we saw jack sparrow he was diving headfirst into a crack and yes yes yeah he was he was eaten by the crackin and taken to david john's locker i think we said crack and ass oh it might be the sphincter ask also the cracket is dead

in this movie and we never see it and I'm like the fuck are you talking about you know how about instead of starting your movie gore verbinsky with fucking useless pirate genocide and protest songs we start with the funeral for the crackin or the crackins at the gallows man they build a huge crackin galo crackin you have been sentenced to hang until dead that's cool i could see them doing that in like a pacific rim sequel if you try to hang a crackin it's definitely going to be dangling there for a while. It doesn't even make sense to have a hole, sir.

What the hell are you talking about? Just burn it. Mr. Cracken, we've brought a priest, a rabbi. We've also got an imam here. We're not sure what religion you are, but we do want to give you your last rights as a Cracken. Your last meal here, children. We're not going to be able to do that.

It's kind of the reason we're executing your Cracken. also Ben the other thing is in the second movie you have no Jeffrey Rush until the tail end where Calypso is like by the way there's only one person that can get you to the the world's end and Jeffrey Rush sort of saunters on screen for the last two seconds and he's like

so what's become of my ship so that's why he the villain of the first film is with them and their buds and seemingly part of the crew and all that stuff but oh but he has his own agenda as we'll find out everyone's got their own agenda guys that's the thing that is the underlying problem with all of these movies is there's too many characters for all of them to have different motivations like we need at least you need to do one of two things either there's less

characters that you're giving motivations to or there's like fucking teams of people because like the singular like I'm on this mission they're on that mission and then like we're all double and triple crossing each other you need that 10 page Wikipedia plot summary I'm saying get rid of pirate Congress we're ready to go get rid of the fucking Congress I'm tired of it

I was trying to read that plot summary to just keep up with it it's like a thousand words it's an insane for a plot summary summary the summary is a thousand words. Because there's so many twists and turns and twists and turns. And again, this is the last movie. So there should be, like, there should be big revelations or whatever to get to know who's who. But that's it. You don't get like to just keep twisting and turning and twisting. You know, the funny thing about the Wikipedia entry makes me wonder. And this

sounds like a totally high thought. And I assure you that I'm not high yet today. Yet. Well, it's always a yet, dude. It's not an if, but a when. These days. especially with quarantine madness but you ever think sometimes like how the internet works like someone had to fucking write that plot summary some massive fan of this movie had to sit there and write

those thousand words out and it and it still sounds strained like the description of it like they're pain presumably they like it yeah sure so there's a big pirate fight here they really they find you know

Beckett's boys show up and like you know all sorts of stuff starts to happen there's a raid on Chow Young Fats place yes yeah there's a big raid we should say his name is Sao Feng

is Chow Yun Fats character and they're talking about convening the Brethren Court and this this is the pirate Congress and the eight pieces of nine do drink a shot of rum every time you hear about the eight

pieces of nine. Dude, what the fuck ever? A piracy riddle. I love that Star Trek character. Yeah, they're fighting each other. It's kind of fun, not really. But, you know, there's a fun upskirt shot. McKenzie Crook is under the grate

and he looks up and he sees Elizabeth. She was wearing like this weird skirt to this event. For him, that great. became a great, right? Like a, I mean... That one, I think, only works because we can see you, dude. I did air quotes for great. Yeah, it's a fine little fight.

And then, like, you know, Will Turner sneaks off with Salfang and they kind of make a pact with each other, right? Is that how that works? Because I can't keep these packed straight. Everyone has a pact with everyone. Yeah. The idea is... oh fuck let's see if i can do this i'm probably gonna mess this up but so will his main motivation

is setting his dad free come on dude grow the fuck up no i know and also like come on fucking look at this guy dude you tell him you're gonna want to look at that every christmas exactly let that be dead this guy's not gonna settle down in florida with a new wife he's got barnacles coming out of his face it's over with yeah you don't know that those things are gonna go away even if you free him, he might still have some of that shit. You're totally right, Kevin. It's a gamble. I would not take. Come on. But so the only way to do that is for Will to get his hands on the Black Pearl and Jack Sparrow.

Of course, Jeffrey Rush also wants the Black Pearl because he still sees it as his ship. He is still the captain as far as he's concerned. So he's willing to do this mission. And I think that's the deal. Oh, and Elizabeth feels bad about betraying Jack in the last film. That's right. She's trying to like find redemption. And crucially, Beckett's number two guy is about to kill South Fang or Orlando Bloom,

but here's all this and uses it to con or try to con Jack Sparrow into taking part of taking the Black Pearl. Yeah. Yeah, sure. It is, it is so much. I do want to say, though, in this, this pirate row here, before we. we get too far away from it. Another thing that I was shocked, I mean, and here is the duality or

the, that's the wrong, the double standard is what I'm trying to say, of Disney as a corporation. We were talking a couple weeks ago about how on Disney Plus, if you watch the film Splash, at the end of it, when Darrell Hannah runs back into the water no more ass. No more ass. Yes.

Hair butt. The ass is gone and she's got a fucking EWalk on her fucking butt cheeks, right? Hair butt. you said that like you discovered it like you were the guy that was like oh no so the crack is gone the crack is totally gone it's just like a fleshy or Ben Ben it looks like her ass is going as someone from ZZ Top for Halloween okay and so they they decide to do that they edit Ron Howard's film like that but in this movie it's completely acceptable for me to watch a woman get shot

point blank in the fucking forehead. Did you guys see that? Oh, yeah. She gets her brains blown out. I'm just like, what are you doing? This is when the British, or the British troops, the East India trading company barges into the opium den or wherever that was. Yeah.

Yeah. And there's in the row, a gun goes off. And this woman gets shot right in the fucking head, like right between the eyes. Yeah. And I was like, okay, so that's totally fine for kids to see. But fucking two little butt cheeks is a problem. Well, now, mind you, we've already had. a couple of hundred deaths and a child

be strung up. So, you know, it's just kind of a par for the course, apparently. It's just fucking bonkers, dude, that they're, like, totally fine with this violence. But, like, innocent nudity that's played as a joke, you know, at the end of that movie. Oh, no. It's like, no, you got to, we got to spend fucking $500,000

to add cousin it on her ass. So they get a ship. from Shao Fang to go to the world's end they got the map now they're going nobody decides to bring a fucking coat no dude I don't know I don't know what this is man

because like these people are like at one time cold and at the same time like not like yes the actors aren't really doing a great job at like freezing to death well some guy chips off his toe his toe comes off

makes the ultimate sacrifice that was really fucking disgusting the problem is that they don't want to fight Iggy Cooper if they had just done that they would get the new outfit that would allow them to go through this passage and be like warm but don't you when you're like ah y'ar we're about to do a

voyage okay it be cold so we're going to want to bring coats we're going to bring food for 25 days rum for enough well maybe they're all just too stupid because this map is like a weird map you got like turn it and it like changes and also pirates are stupid so they've been out to see too long haven't had lemons the brain don't work this little dial that they have to use as the map

this little circular thing reminded me of it's one of the dumbest things ever my old like computer gaming days in the 90s I had like a it was like a John Madden football game like for PC and the way that you welcome to John Madden on the PC where you got to use the F key

to throw the ball it's really uncomfortable I wish I wish there was talking like there was none of that his fucking like fat face was on the cover you like it with two guys hit each other they go whap now what you're going to want to

do is kill your shit mate and eat him as for sustenance. That's what you're going to, that's what John Madden would do and that's what you should do. I was going to say that's a weird Pat Sumerall impression, Chris. All this to say that the way, like when you turned on the game, you had to put in a password, like, it would tell you certain ways to turn this fucking dial. That makes you feel like exclusive. I guess so, dude. But it took like five months.

minutes to log into this game where you just like ran plays. It was the most obnoxious thing. Hey Andrew you really are good at turning me on. Hey, how about a sandwich? I do love it does also remind me of that thing in grade school of like

does Jimmy like you? The weird like little four or paper thing. Folded tent paper. Exactly. Oh, that kind of looks like a pirate hat. It kind of does. It sort of does. I was wondering about that tool because it does resemble something that was constructed like at lunch break. Wouldn't that thing have just like gotten waterlogged at this point?

Like it's, it seemed rather crisp for how chinty it was. Especially the more you use it, the more it's going to jam up on you. Yeah. You're going to get gunk in there. Beard hair at least that monkey's touching it. Lord knows what that thing's got. I love that monkey. The last thing you want is gunk and your fucking pirate wave.

we do see a little bit of Beckett here he's like commanding all these dudes and he's he gives the order to kill Jonathan Price right did I get that right or does that he does yeah he definitely does also it's important to point out right here Steve this moment that you're mentioning is where we also find out that Davy Jones is in the employ of Lord Beckett oh I really one of the key elements of this series that I keep enjoying is the sort of anti-capitalist stuff because the elected official or I don't even know how governors came about back then

whoever had the right blood I guess murder so he's forced just to sign laws written by the East India trading company much like modern day Congress yep yeah no that's totally dude like East India trading company like gave money to his

fucking campaign yeah and then they wrote all the fucking laws they wanted him to sign definitely and then they realize they don't need him anymore so they say you know, I think he tells the Squid Man to kill him or whatever. Off fucking screen, both my two favorite characters

are Crackin and Jonathan Price are killed off screen. I will say though the cool thing about that is I didn't entirely think like there was a death order on Jonathan Price. He like overhears them. He's like working for him. So he like looks up from his desk, whatever.

It's effective when later in the film when they're in fucking purgatory like sailing through it and they see Jonathan Price there and you're like oh that dude's dead that's kind of cool do you think but also like Beckett is also like making fun of Davey Jones for crying and playing his piano all night. I like that. I'm like Davey Jones has a squid mouth. Just eat this guy's head off and fucking you are the head of the East Indian. But I have the hot Jones. I have the hot. Which then he ends up storing on Davy Jones' own ship doesn't seem

like a smart maneuver. How did Beckett come into possession of the heart? Is that like a second movie thing that's going to go over? Norrington gave it to him. Who did? The guy who is Norington, Admiral Norenton.

Okay. The guy who gets like stabbed by Stellan Scarsguard when he lets Kira Knightley like leave the ship. Yep. Yep. That dude in the previous film uses his possession of the heart and giving it to Lord Beckett as a way to ingratiate himself with Beckett.

The dude is like, he's like a washed out naval man from the first movie. Yeah, he's been disgraced and this gives him back a commission and a name and title. So a thing of like what was previously thought to be a trinket is this all important

I guess McGuffin, like one of the many. Yeah, the heart of like Davy Jones. If you have it, you can control him and he's like this all powerful fish monster but i mean we talk about it a little bit in the movie but like wouldn't you like quit if you're in the employee like i don't want to be working with fish people i'm sorry this is the thing that is really call me a racist that's the gordon fisherman begins here's the thing is it's it's incredibly uh weird that in this movie

you have the British Navy and East India Trading Company people working alongside these fucking barnacle pirates and all these fish people and everything and no one thinks it's weird. No one is acknowledging that they're standing next to a fucking monster. There'd be like crab racism of some kind. You've got to have a line.

This is where I know I always talk about Star Wars, but on Empire when Admiral P it's like, bounty hunters, we don't need their scum looking at that fucking lizardman. Yeah, I need to stop. something i need some type of characterization between these these troops are are less characterized than stormtroopers well i'll tell you one thing the problem is is that like davy jones has really taken a hit you the reason you wanted him on your side is because he had a crackin yeah and guess

what the crackin's fucking dead and they washed up on a beach somewhere didn't no correct me from wrong didn't becket or someone say that they had murdered they they had willingly killed the crackin which is fucking nuts. They are fucking stupid as shit. Wait a second. The Cracken wasn't dead from the last movie? No, the Cracken's alive at the end of the last movie. This all happens totally off-screen. Yeah. The Cracken was

I completely miss that. Did Johnny Depp going into its butt hole, kill it? Is that? Oh, no. A little bit of food poisoning, love. Cracken was going back home down to like the lower depths where like the volcano areas are

down, down, down. The sea is family and then Johnny Depp was farting his way out of him. Or like the Crackett was finally going to get made. He was going to be a real mobster. He walked into a certain area of reef. Oh, no. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, we're on this boat. We're freezing.

Our toes are popping off. Everyone's got their own motivations. And we find we're we're we're we have to go to fucking hell essentially via boat. Yes. And the only way to get there is. to find a green flash of light. Which I was sort of thinking they meant like Aurora Borealis.

Yeah. When you see it, I guess it's not exactly that. I don't know. Apparently it's the green, like it happens when a soul comes back into this world or leaves it, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. There's some big Gibbs speech here.

Now Gibbs, by the way, you'll recall folks at home, is the pirate who I say looks like Neil Young. He's definitely does. He's the first made of Jack Sparrow. I also got a little bit of a meatloaf thing going. Yeah, I can see that cabin.

I definitely can. What, is the body weight department? Also that, Eric. He's got the fucking... I didn't want to point that out. He's got the fucking mobs, dude. No, so, yeah, it's the line here. It's a signal of when a soul

comes back from the dead is the thing. Isn't it? It's also a play on like when the sunset. is that people picked up on that like you're supposed setting kind of if you're looking at the sunset

you'll see just before it goes over the horizon a green flash no it's actually about the great Gatsby yeah I was going to say oh that was a green light too yeah so so yeah oh and Jeffrey so Jeffrey rush is the dude who like knows how to do it like Captain Barbosa

knows how to get there he says that getting to the land of the dead isn't the problem oh yeah it's getting back, that's the problem. So we cut away from there for a bit. We got Davy Jones being all fucking emo playing his Phantom of the Opera organ.

And this is, is this where no, I guess not. There is a scene later that's fucking ridiculous where he gets his little tentacles cut off. I was remembering Beckett like torturing him, but that's not the case

because that's Jack Sparrow does that, right? Yeah, he gets a little piece of the the chop there. I mean, yeah, it's just like, you know, he's twirling his fucking squid mustache playing this goddamn piano. There is a great, there's a great shot of him crying the little tear and it like

he dangles it on his tentacle. Yeah, dude, it's like he's playing with a dude's like spit play. Uh-huh. But this is another like ridiculous part of this movie when you've got like monsters and people working together like this. This scene is like Beckett storms in

and basically like It's just, it's Beckett and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, uh, Davy Jones. And it's like pirate East India trading company red tape conversation. Like, yeah. I don't need to hear the ins and outs of this process at all. There's no, like, physical disdain for, like, yeah, you've got this Beckett villain. He's a human and you have this squid man. And it's like, may, you know, have him recoil at the slime or, like,

Something to make you feel like he's actually in a room with a squid and not just a digital creation. Perfectly put, Ben. It's give us something that leads us to believe that this actor as the human isn't just acting alongside someone with tennis balls all over their head. Exactly. Make him a character. Like, give him some reason why he wouldn't be intimidated by that. We don't really. We see that he's got like grand portraits of himself and he's a he's a big man in society.

but I need to hear some war story or something. I need to know about what Beckett is. And I still don't. Davy Jones. Don't you know why I always have the upper hand? Because you, Davy Jones, have handled my ass de bloons. That's right, Davy Jones. I've been putting de bloons up my ass every day for 10 years.

If he just does that whole UCB bit, that would be great. Because Davey Jones, I have hands. Clap for me, Davy Jones. What's that? You're having a little trouble. Why don't you clack it for me instead? Even though we've been following this fucking map the whole time up to the Arctic Circle or Siberia or wherever we are, they're like, oh, where are we now? And Jeffrey Rush is like, well, we're lost.

And to find where we're going, we had to get lost. Anyway, here's a waterfall. Everything is pointless, you see. I'm just here collecting me paycheck. Fulfilling some contractual obligations. Quite a bit of de blooms, I'll tell you. I speak in graduation day platitudes. The best way to find a place you've never been is to get lost for a little while.

Oh, my God, you're right. And now we play the graduation song by vitamin C. and we will not be friends forever. So they go off this waterfall and adds to the boat. Is this the world's end or is this a waterfall? I guess it's the end of the world. Or is this them just dying to get to purgatory? He's like, well, we're dead.

Great question. Is purgatory, is pirate purgatory Davy Jones's locker? Is this this locker I've been hearing so much about it? I believe so. Johnny Depp is now trapped in Davy Jones's locker that has extreme, uh, Homer, find your soulmate vibes. Dude, I was fucking. Oh my God. Dude, last night, oh my God. Last night we're watching the movie and we get to that scene and I just go to Chelsea, you don't even own a computer. Which is my favorite fucking Johnny Cashline from that episode. But that's exactly that. Just like we're

you, so we cut to, well, we cut to a nose first of all. And you don't know. what you're looking at exactly. But I was like, oh, that's Johnny Depp's nose. Like, I knew it, you know. And it's like, he's in the desert. Yeah, it's like, it's a bunch of like white sand desert. The black pearl is there with him. He's just kind of like in this purgatorial

thing with like clones. It's very much, it reminds me a lot of the beginning of that. I think it's a third Matrix movie, maybe not the second one. Wherein it's Neo at the train station, yada like that kind of thing. Anybody? Matrix is actually an interesting.

thing to bring up because of how I was having some thoughts about like why did this like I think there's some sort of parallel to be drawn with the two Matrix sequels as like mandated as they were by how successful it was and like the way those got bloated and the way these

movies are bloated where it's just like something's going on there where it's like you must make this because it makes a billion dollars like yeah you're totally right that like it's insane that uh like when you look at that Matrix trilogy and you look at the first three movies of this franchise and by the time you're at the third one

it's so convoluted that it makes the first one look clear as day wow that's impressive it's the and it's the Avengers thing too it's the idea that like this thing that we liked the first time around where it's just like either it's an action adventure superhero romp or it's a kung fuid sci-fi deal or pirates swinging around

at the end of it at the very big big end. All these people on one side and all these people at the other side have to lift up their swords and yell and run towards each other on a fucking hill every fucking time. It's like that's not epic. Like make it just cooler. Like just find a way to make it cooler, not epicer. And along that point, I think this was my favorite sequence in the movie because it wasn't epicure. It was like it felt different. Like it was just this weird little interlude that was. stylized and goofy.

You can see also how after this movie so what is it four years later he makes Rango this reminded me a lot of the visuals in Rango. It reminded me of multiplicity. Why do you say that?

He's like seeing all these like dupes of himself and yeah some are dumber than other ones. Yeah, some doesn't know how, they don't know how to eat a peanut. They're like, I don't know how to peanut. So is Davey Jones, Andy McDowell in this situation, Eric? Absolutely. I'm going to fuck all of them.

I do love, there's this goat on this spaceship or not the spaceship, but this ship in the middle of it anywhere. I think I know where you're going here. And it's the best acting in the movie. It somehow looks at the camera and does a real, it's a living look. Wow, what a great look on a goat. How do you get a goat to act?

Dude, I thought you were going to say that because all these like depth clones are around, there's like one Captain Jack Sparrow that like kills another one and you're supposed to believe that like the one doing the killing is like the one true Jack Sparrow or whatever. But like, so that dude like walks to the under end of the boat. And then there's Jack Sparrow sitting next to that goat who like slides a little closer to the goat. And I was like, that Jack Sparrow is a goat fucker. I think that's also why he's like, it's a living. Just getting fucked by another pirate.

It's a living. And then he winds up off the ship. And there's some, my favorite new character are the crab rocks. Those things are pretty cool. Yeah, not too shabby. These crabs like all like get together and pick up the boat and move it. He even has to kind of come on to the crab rocks. Yes.

He licks the crab rock to make it like generous. or something like Oh is there Flicks it Oh there's definitely some slash fiction around crab rock Yeah I would think so right

But uh Rocks off Is Is there Is was that also some connection with like Calypso

Which we'll get to Like were those Calypso's crabs Or like Question mark Oh did Calypso Give those crabs

To Jack Sparrows That we're asking She's also on the boat She's We should have been said She's been kind of around the whole time who wasn't Calypso in the last movie

she was some other character's name and they still refer to her as whatever that name is I can't remember Tal something right Talia Shire no it's it's the name is like she's Calypso in a human form I guess is the idea

yeah she's been like trapped inside this body and this is this is the character played by Naomi Harris yes for anyone not following along which is totally understandable. So these fucking crabs pick up the boat and Sparrow gets back on the boat

and here we go, the black pearls moving through the desert. Meanwhile, all of our pirate friends wash up on the shore and, you know, unremarkably, they're like, oh, cool, we're in Davy Jones locker now, I guess. It just looks like another island in the ocean, okay. Oh, and it happens that the black pearls

coming over the horizon just as we came here. Holy shit, what a coincidence. Yeah. Well, it's just pacing and filming. Yeah, I mean To moving. Chris, they have to keep this thing moving, you know? Otherwise, it could just drag on.

This movie could have used to drag on. Oh, yep. Oh, man, the Cracken's brother the dragon shows up. What'd you do to my brother? Which one of them is dead? Which one of them's

Crackens dead? Chris Cooper as the dragon. Absolutely. Love it. Absolutely. That would be fucking great. We found out on our Patreon episode

that he was cut out of the ring. Come on Gore. Come on Gore. Yeah, you got to make it up to him, man, right? Did Gore do Rango as well? He did. Yeah. Okay.

So I still, I still, I remember being a decent movie, right? Yeah, it's fine. Pretty trippy movie. I have not seen it. Dude, it's, I would probably recommend it in a green sense of the word. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, he is green. The lizard.

right? That's exactly what I meant dude. Thanks for catching on. I'll make sure my TV's calibrated to pick up the color green. They all decide to get on your TV. I like that as a term. They got on the fucking pirate

ship to go back to wherever. Yeah, he doesn't believe that they're real at first is a whole thing. He thinks they're a hallucination. He Jack Sparrow has an adverse reaction to seeing Elizabeth Swan in this scene and she's like

she's like he thinks that we're all a hallucination and I was like oh that's what's going on in this scene thank you for fucking clarifying why he's acting like this cut to Kiranightly asleep in this scene during the theater like just like fucking snoring her boyfriend is like her boyfriend's like oh man hey babe you're doing really great in this scene

So we have The whole gang is in Davy Jones Locker Which includes in this movie Full-Fledged members of the crew The two wacky pirates McKenzie Crook and other guy from Seinfeld The parking space guy No

You can't escape though The phony They are man That Jacks Barrow is so phony but did you guys notice in this movie I don't know why they just decided to change it up that guy from Seinfeld is just wearing weird contact lenses for no reason

he's like a rob zombie movie always like a psychobilly yes it's fucking weird or he's turning into Darth Mall oh that could be so we're trying to find our way back this is when we also find out that Jonathan Price is dead and he's like oh you don't guess is as good as mine How did I die?

I'll never know. They cut it from the movie. We filmed it. They cut it. We're here. I'm on a boat now. It's quite comfortable. I do kind of like the visual of all these people on these rowboats with just one lantern in this purgatory water.

It's pretty cool, man. And we learn right before they get up to all these boats. Or maybe it's like right when they start coming around. We use Naomi Harris as a. vessel for some real expository dialogue and she's explaining the whole thing about Davy Jones and

reminding us that the whole thing with like his curse is that his job is to ferry these people in the boats into the afterlife. Like that is his obligation under this curse.

And we're told that the reason that he looks all fucked up the way he does is because he's been negligent in his duties. Yeah, he's horrible at it. Have you been looking at what he's been doing? Hanging out with pirates all the time. I brought my phone into the bathroom

and I'm not getting anything else done today. Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately. I wouldn't say I've been missing it. Oh, it's Davy Jones talking to the bobs. Davy Jones in office space. Oh, my God. That would be pretty great. It's just a problem and motivation.

is what it is. The East Indian trading company had pieces of flair that they'd make us with. You know, I'm going to burn the building down. You need an extra barnacle or, you're not wearing enough barnacles.

Yeah, exactly. Did somebody steal me saber? Yeah, so like, but that's it, like, yeah, I mean, that's a, a message from the Disney Corporation to those who slack off. off at work. It's like, yeah, you will turn into a

fucking squid, my friend. Yeah, get back to it. But like, yeah, I also love the idea where he just gets sick of it. He's like, I'm not doing this anymore. He just totally checked out, dude. It's like he's choosing to look like a monster because basically he's checked out at his job. It makes total

sense because what, you just have barnacles on your face? Because that's just in general is you're going to have barnacles on your face. If that's going to be happening, might as well have a bunch of not do my job, but just have a couple squid face things. tentacles happening. I'd rather look like a human being

than a fucking squid person. Just me. You're not going to look like a human being. You're going to have a barnacle on your nose. No, they're getting all of those things because they're fucking off at work, dude. Oh, even the barnacles? I thought it was just squid stuff. No, because that's why at the end of the movie, spoiler

alert for anyone who could give a shit at this point, when Will Turner takes over the job to do that shit, he's doing the work. And that's why none of them look like monsters anymore. Wait, so they all just did like, what, decades with work in that little

one minute thing? Well, no, I think the idea is they're like, listen, Davy Jones has fucked up a lot of this operation. There's no way we can go through this backlog. Let's just say all of those records were destroyed in a flood. You could start, you could start

clean. You could say they were flushed down a giant toilet. Yes, to hell. Like a toilet to hell might exist. Okay. So, I mean, we ever, I guess we kind of established that Will Turner becomes Davy Jones in the end. He gets that power and he unclogs the toilet so he doesn't look like a monstar. Also, like, so you have to ferry people who die only who die at sea. A. I'm curious, what's the land situation if I die on land?

Also, it's taking me to the next realm. Sure. It's some like bear or pig person or something, dude, something from the forest. But what if it's two elements like like Air and C, like TWA Flight 800? Now, does that fall in the jurisdiction of Davy Jones or? Great scenario to bring up, dude, the jurisdictional pissing contest that would have happened. Some enormous eagle is like fighting with Davey Jones. They died in the skies, I tell you.

It's kind of like when you see like in movies and TV, like when the FBI comes in and takes over a case from a local operation. It's an eagle with a lion's head. Yes, exactly. brings out a clipboard, takes some files from Davy Jones and says, fuck off. I just want to, I picture Griffins plunging into the water, snatching

bodies out from the ground. Davey Jones is going to prove. Davy Jones versus Griffin Wingsworth. I love it. Griffin Wingsworth. That'd be fantastic.

Yeah, I got to talk like this though, because my name is Griffin Wingsworth. Technically, they died in the air. before they hit the water. One side, Jones. Davy, go back down there where you belong. We bring this guy into like a steampunk version of Pirates of the Caribbean where we're on airships.

Yep. I like it. Here we go. Yes, Jones, I'll call you if a, I don't know, if a crab has a heart attack or something. Oh, my God. What a condescending son of a bitch. See, that's what we need out of Bennett.

Something like that. Yeah, it's fine. Come on. Totally right. They're going around. There's a really cool shot somewhere around here where like the ship looks like it's floating in space, but it's just because the water is so clear and the stars are really bright. It's a cool looking visual.

I will find ways to come with this movie when I can. Absolutely, dude. I think that is for the benefit of all of us doing this entire franchise. If we could find some pockets of sunshine here, I do think once you get past the pirate genocide at the beginning of this movie. Everything else looks really good. It's way less drab. I really like this sequence, though,

of like, it's Jonathan Price. He's sitting alone in this boat, you know, and like Elizabeth starts freaking out. She tries to get him to like come onto the boat. She throws him a rope. He doesn't take it. You know, and they, like, he sails out of sight and you have Calypso says

he's at peace, which is it's like a nice moment in this movie. No, no, honey, I can't do it. I'm waiting for Davy Jones to shepherd me across. I can't just take you a rope. He's going, it's his only job. I'm just going to wait here

for David. He's certainly not a layabout. Do you think there's like a huge clog of people in those little boats trying to get through somewhere and it's like eventually Davy Jones is going to be here to open this door for us? Absolutely. Did you see the toilet

at the end of the movie? It's so swirling for 50 minutes. That thing is clogged. that that toilet's when the movie real really uh circles the drain it's one of those things if you've ever been like on a ride like a disney world or whatever it's like a log flume but it's taking a little while for people to get off and you're like god damn this sucks you know i haven't because um i'm not a little rich boy you never went to a shitty theme park and wrote a log boom no i went to six flags once as a child and we never went to anything ever again

Watch the log flume with jealousy. Yeah, exactly like a concert. Like, why pay for it? Oh, no, I just as imagining, you know, Hey, babe, it's your big emotional scene with Jonathan Price. Hey, babe. Speaking of logs. I love that, according to our impression,

Kira Knightley's date to the premiere of this movie was Otto from The Simpsons. Hey, Kira, wake up. Here, Jonathan Price is staring at you. You know, if only movie theaters had a big abandoned sign on them, but this was the number one movie of the world in 2007, right? Made a billion dollars. That's fucking crazy.

Yeah. Is this, I wonder, are there already, I'm sure there are stats, because you got box office stats for everything, but like, where does this rank as far as like the highest gross? sequel. I mean, that's now all those like Marvel movies probably wiped this movie off. Yeah. I'm sure Endgame is number one.

I saw something today that this is the 12th ranking franchise of all time for whatever that's worth. Wow. 12th franchise. I would have figured that was higher. Yeah, you would think so too. Yeah, so it's the MCU, the Gone with the Winnerverse.

What else is there? Star Wars, Star Trek. Charlie Chaplin's entire tramp filmography. The Charlie Chan mysteries. It's a bit of dark and sordid history of cinema. There's some on there though that are above it just because of the sheer amount like Bond I think is above it because it has like 20 movies or something like that. Star Wars

is probably up there. Things that have been re-released. You're Lord of the Rings. All those Hobbit movies get folded into. Yeah. Damn it. Yeah. That's up there. I mean, you know, I think Andrew you're talking about before about how there's so many different like all these characters have their own motivations as it becomes hard to track and I've been rewatching the Lord of the Rings movies

with this co-currently and that at least it's like okay so Frodo and Sam going an adventure together Mary and Pip and going an adventure together and they're separated they might have common goals but we are on separate adventures and we don't have to have all these

characters divided against themselves well because the characters are always all also lying to each other and the audience for large swats of the movie when they're like, well, actually, I was a double. And I'm like, well, I didn't give a shit to begin with it. Now I'm just confused. That's what you can always say about those

little hobbits, dude. They are nothing if they are not honest. Yeah. They cannot tell a lie. They decide. They have to go upside down to get out of this whole situation. Jack Sparrow starts running up and down the ship like a little kid. Right. To try to flip

the boat because they need to, what was the exact term? It was like, you have to, it's it's sun down. Get it, folks. So it's the sunset and you have to turn the ship upside down and then you can escape purgatory and come back to the real world. Yes. It's a little weird about running around the ship to try to flip it. But I thought it was kind of cool visual to have like the, you know, the sea go down and become the sky when they do flip it. It looks awesome. Yeah. I mean, when you're waiting for it to happen and you're just like, all right, like how many times do they have to run back and forth? This movie's almost three hours long.

But when it does flip, it looks fucking killer. And I have to say, it's really interesting. And I wonder from like a SFX person's point of view, like when you're making movies like this, do they have to make concessions about what looks good and what doesn't? Because this looks awesome, but there's a shot when we first see Davy Jones and the Dutchman like come out of the water. It looks kind of bad.

It's like a CGI ship moving really. fast, so it doesn't really work. And then we'll get to it at the end. But Beckett's demise in this movie is one of the worst looking things. But I think it's like intentionally bad looking. I thought what Beckett's, when Beckett does bite the bullet

who, you know, we're jumping around this movie, who could care, right? Yeah. When he's like walking down the stairs and like the ships exploding around him, I thought it was kind of neat. Dude, it looks like an ad for a fucking Comedy Central roast. I mean, it's kind of like. I thought it looked.

terrible. He survived Norrington's fucking james. I mean, if you pull up, if you pull up ads on YouTube for like the roast of William Shatner, he's like punching fireballs in that commercial and it looks like shit.

I was waiting for a ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-ba-ba-ba- behind it. Yes, dude, he needs something. It's, it looks fucking terrible. Do you think Davey Jones would be the MC at that point? He'd be the fucking the roastmaster boiler

dude because it's all seafood. You know how Lord Beckett has so many portraits of himself, but he's really a blank canvas if you get down to the characterization. For some reason, Gilbert is also performing at that. Obviously, I think Gilbert's like

an interdimensional fish person as well. What? I can't tell my 9-11 joke on this roast either. What do you call it when Davy Jones fucks you? you in the ass a fire in the hole it's a good Gilbert

Gilbert's a national treasure by the way he was on the show once by the way check it check it out in our back catalog so they they true to form in this film you're like okay they finally escaped purgatory now the movie can go on

like uh-uh-uh Mexican standoff for some reason because everyone's got competing agendas I'm like can we just fucking get on And the thing about this Mexican standoff, by the way, is that they do a really awful thing of like everybody starts the standoff and then we're all laughing about it. Yeah. Like, isn't this so much fun?

They all have wet powder so none of the guns work. So it's kind of like, oopsie doodle. Well, that's what's crazy, though, is they're all laughing. And then it's like back to being serious for a second. And I think it's, is it Orlando Bloom pulls the trigger? Somebody pulls the trigger first with a gun in someone. one's face intending to kill this person and it doesn't go off.

Yeah. Then they all fire and none of the guns fire because yes, a wet gunpowder. Also when Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Barbosa are trying to battle for influence over the ship and they both have the spy glasses and it becomes like a dick joke that happens more than once.

Yeah, you're totally right. It is the first of two who's is bigger or my dick is big jokes in again, this Disney movie that also features a child being hung, a woman shot point blank in the forehead, and

what we'll get to at the end of the movie, someone almost, almost performing conalinguists on someone else. Are you talking about when David Jones like fucking fucks this dude's face with his tentacles? Because that's another one.

So that's another. So we got that to go for it. And surprisingly, that was not from the slash fiction. That actually happens in the movie. Maybe Jones puts his tentacles up someone's nose and like really just like, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I think that inspired quite a bit of slash fiction. You are not wrong. There is a great moment, by the way, not to go back to the boat flip for too long,

but when they flip the boat, there's a moment where all of the actors are filmed underwater. And, man, you want to talk about unflattering. Jeffrey Rush held underwater and someone starts a camera rolling, eep. also the what were the two idiots named McKenzie Crook and like that Seinfeld guy yeah yeah they tie themselves

to the mast and they're upside down it's the you know the moments of comedy in this film that's thank you for bringing that up I didn't make a note about it but it confused me at the time why did that happen well because they're like oh

if we're going to be upside down we'll be the only ones right side up but they actually did the math wrong and now they're always upside down Oh, that's fucking dumb as donkey dick. They thought they'd get the upper hand, I guess. It's just... But they had to clearly have had some other pirate tie them to the mast, right?

Dude, it's just a visual gag to wait, to increase this runtime. But speaking of increasing the runtime, what is the thing about... Because it's really a blink and you miss it, and it seems like it could have been a bigger deal. What is the thing where, like, they come ashore again for some reason? And they're like, ah, look at this cephalopod. that's here. And it's just this big beached fucking monster in that one shot. That's the Crackin, dude.

That's the fucking Cracken? I missed it entirely. I was like, what's this dinosaur? He had the, yeah, he had the Jurassic Park moment, right? Like staring into the eyeball. Yeah, he did. Okay. Yeah. I mean, like, that's

kind of like the next movement they get on land and then they find Chey and Fats people come and take them, right? That's how this works. Yeah. Yeah. It's like these dudes, these dudes that at one point were like, well, hey, we got no one else to, you know, pledge our allegiance to. So we'll go with you for a little bit. And then they fucking turn on them.

I would definitely be cutting a little bit of that crack it off because it looks pretty fresh. Crackin sandwich. Oh, absolutely. But nobody's, unless I completely miss that too, nobody uses the word crackin right here. Do they? One of the idiots does like, we kill, we could pretend we killed the cracking. Oh, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. Oh, see, that's why I missed it because whenever those marfuckers open their mouths, these ears close right up.

Well, they're the ones who are originally saying that they want to open a little place where they can give cracking sandwiches, you know, eight bucks a pop or eight de blooms a pop. Eight de bloons. Wow, that's pretty steep for his sandwich, I think. These millennials are spending so much on crack and sandwiches. Crack and toast. Crack and toast. That's what you overcook it. That's a Steve Seda.

We're not, we don't have enough time for that today, but I will, we'll fucking settle to score on how to grill a cheese on this fucking program. Absolutely. We will have the cheese cast at another time. This is, it's a weird thing when they get on LinkedIn, by the way. We should actually do a grilled cheese competition when this is done. All right. A grilled cheese off. Absolutely. That'd be great on YouTube. You know, we got a YouTube channel, a YouTube page, YouTube.com slash we hate movies. We've been talking about doing more live stream events. There's one right there.

The grilled cheese off. Maybe Ben can judge. Yes, there we go. I'm down. I just won't eat Eric's grilled cheese because I know he's going to put something in it. No, I'll be there in the fucking chopped kitchen with you. And you can see what's happening. This is where there's a weird sort of like sparrow barbosa heart to heart where again we're talking about

how, like, pirates are on their way out kind of a thing. And this is what Barbosa feels. And Sparrow says, you know, well, you know, sometimes things come back. Like, you and I came back from the dead. Like, pirates could make a return. And he's, and Barbosa's like, nah, the world has changed or whatever. And Sparrow says that the world is the same. There's just less in it is the idea.

And I guess it's like, is he talking about? how like since we've been venturing so much as as human beings we've there's less to discover I think that's part of it too yeah. They're wise words from a complete asshole dumbass. Well, okay, first of all, your

opinion about Captain Jack Sparrow aside at the same time like he's saying that there's like less in the world or whatever. Motherfucker, you just came back from the land of the dead. Be amazed by something. I need one.

That's mourning the Krakken, I think. Somehow the Krakken survived, dude, Pirates of the Caribbean 6. I think, Steve, I think he's, I think he's, he must be working on a graduation speech with a line like that. That's very true. You're totally right, Ben. That is the way you get out of that speech. It's the closing line, huge round of applause in the auditorium at the Civic Center

where this graduation is being held. Now let's throw our pirates hat in the air. Crack and salad for everybody Oh fuck, that sounds good actually But yeah, so this is where Sao Fang returns And Something, something there's a lot of going on here Where in Kieranightly ends up in his custody

Isn't there's like four or five different Double crosses slash plannings That all happen at the same time And it's impossible to follow. It's really tough. I needed this Wikipedia summary at this moment of the movie now more than ever. And like, I understand the concept of like,

oh, pirates, they're treacherous. But like, they can be loyal to a captain. We don't need to keep doing this. I rewatched 1935's Captain Blood starring Arrow Flynn and Olivia DeHavilland, who, by the way, somehow still alive. Yes, she is. I'm almost worried about...

Mountain of youth. Yeah, exactly. Great movie, amazing movie. What's great about that movie, too, is, like, Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone having a sword fight, and it's just a sword fight

without donkeys and wheels and shit. And it's fucking compelling. Sure. But I was thinking about that. Funny enough, dude, in the scene in this movie where it's like, I think it's in the final battle

when Jack Sparrow and Davy Jones are fighting up on like the mast, and everything and it's like they're way far away like you can barely see them and it's all the CGI and everything and I thought back to Captain Blood or even

like fucking just Adventures of Robin Hood like these Arrow Flynn adventure movies where it's like all you really needed was two people that both had a sword and a fucking stone staircase and maybe a chandelier and it was like the most exciting thing because you're watching

and not to say that like you know Bill Nihy and Johnny Depp weren't working up a sweat, you know, wearing all the prosthetics and CGI shit and having to do all this physical stuff. Like, I'm not saying that it's any less physical, but it's way less exciting when you're having to watch the battle that these two characters are having underneath like a thousand layers of CGI and makeup.

Exactly. Exactly. And also like when they start fighting David Jones and Johnny Depp, they're like up on like the masts because that's, you have to heighten it. It's like, okay, so we're doing the Star Wars prequel. So now we have to fight on fucking lava on a moving platform. Everything needs to be more and more. But what I was trying to get at was that in that movie, Errol Flynn

he helps free all these people from slavery and disenfranchisement. So they are with him till death. There is loyalty among pirates. Yeah. There has to be. And that's one line of conflict. Like I can understand it because

all the tension is on this fight between them. Whereas this, I have to spend 20 minutes deciding is it is Jack Sparrow going to get the fucking Black Pearl or is going to is Will going to get the Black Pearl. Oh wait there's a toilet flush. Okay, let's get to the toilet flush. Don't forget

Barbarosa. Everyone wants the Black Pearl. The Black Pearl! So you're talking about the conflict for 45 minutes and then you actually have to watch the fights that don't matter because you already talked about everything. They wind up, yes, she winds up on

Shelfang's, Elizabeth Wends up with Shelfang's ship He tries to rape her really quick That's his move Dude he like He fucking forces himself on her And like kisses her And I was like once again Bob Eiger and all the rest of you fucking people

May I remind you I have kids here But it wouldn't be realistic Now would it It didn't make any sense We put the same kind of sheen into Milo and Otis What do you want for my To depend the point yeah it doesn't

make sense. I don't know where this is coming. We don't know anything about Xiaofang. He's not even shown that he's that attracted to her to begin with. Right. And he was kind of a cool villain in the beginning, like, you know, dark and mysterious. And now all of a sudden he's just like a patsy. He's like a simp for this

lady. He's got like 10 minutes of screen time. Yeah. Well, a question I have, because I just, I wrote a note down here while I was watching it. And I guess maybe the question is does Sal Fang think that Elizabeth is Calypso.

Yes, he does. Yes. Yeah. Because he's, right, because he's like calling her a goddess and shit. That's what that's about. Oh. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's, he was tricked into thinking she was Calypso and that's why he was enamored with her. I don't even know if he was tricked. I think he was just like, yeah, yeah, maybe that one. Very important. South Fang is fucking stupid. Yeah, that's true. And he believes this all the way through. And he dies for this, by the way, also. He goes out like a jackass.

He's fucking idiot. How does he die again? This movie's so convoluted. He dies the same way that fucking Bain dies and Dark Night Rises. There's a side explosion and he's accidentally killed. Although before he dies, he eats a bay leaf. Did anyone see that? It's pretty disgusting.

It was a weird little detail. It's like, did he just eat a bay leaf? Oh, now he's dead. Oh, oh, don't, oh, that's actually, just for flavor. Oh, no, you know, when you're done cooking your Salfang, remove the bay leaf before serving. Oh, yeah, that's that rare heroin leaf that we've always heard of. He's chewing it.

Oh, good, good. You know, you didn't remove the bay leaf before serving, and now Seng fang is eating it. Damn, the Salfangers raw. It's a bloody raw. God. tonight of your baskets you've got crackin bay leaves and a bag of Doritos Ted Allen okay I'm preparing a Singaporean sang fung real quick

so he dies but before he does he makes her he makes her the captain of his ship yes because he and there is he does have a number two this other guy who like follows the other people around he's in a lot of scenes he doesn't come to much because he He's just whatever. But he's got to be pissed, right? Like, you put in 20 years on this ship. Yep. Yep.

Yeah, yeah. This dude, if it weren't for all the rest of the wild adventures that they have to have here, this dude would be composing his resignation scroll because he got passed over for that promotion. Dude, he's fucking furious. He's done. He's put in his time. So now she qualifies as a pirate lord and she can enter the pirate senator Congress or whatever that we are getting to at Shipwreck Cove is the next destination.

Yes, we get to Shipwreck Cove. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go with the place. She's going to go in his place to shipwreck Cove. It's both a place where pirates convene and an adult entertainment resort. You can go with your partner. You can go to shipwreck Cove.

No kids allowed at the Shipwreck Cove resort. And 23 plus. You have to ride the tram past Epcot Center to get there. It reminded me of Ready Player 1 with the staff. because it's all these old ships that have been shipwrecked and stacked up into the sky. It's a pretty cool visual

you know, despite it's like, how the fuck did they do that? Yeah, it's cool they've made like a mountain city out of ships which is pretty badass. But they don't get there just yet, right? I mean, not that it doesn't matter. I mean, I think we've already now established

that there's going to be a world. war pirate thing happening where it's like all these pirates are going to unite to fight Lord Beckett and the East India Trading Company and they are on the losing side and they go to Shipwreck Cove to try to convince

the pirate lords to throw into this conflict and fight the East Indian Trading Company. Right. And we do have a gag here where they're approaching Shipwreck Cove and fucking Jeffrey Rush as Barbosa has some

line about like, yeah, the whole pirate families here haven't had a gathering like this in our lifetime or whatever. And Jack Sparrow just goes, and I owe all of the money. I mean, I think Jack Sparrow could be a fun and interesting character, but making him like at odds with literally everyone he's ever come across, but it's just too much. It's too much mythos. It's too much. He's too much

of a stinker. Yeah. Yeah, that's the problem is he's a stinker. Yeah, the pirate community does not need a woody woodpecker esk figure. Right. It's like they made a grimlin a pirate. Yeah, yeah. You fed me after midnight, love, Savvy.

I got wet, savvy. So this is where they convene the fucking nine pieces of eight garbage and all these pirates are throwing in. What they're trying to do is not only join up together, but also

release calypso from her earthly bounds to because that's like oh we need to like make a deal you know he's so he's got davy jones in his pocket we need calypso and r is kind of that's like the biggest magic card they can play right now legendary creature tap a few seas but yeah so that's i guess the discussion

on top of like are we going to go to war is because Jeffrey rush is like I have the ultimate weapon by the way we have to free calypso from her human form and then she can fight for us and everybody's like yeah but she hates us and before we bound her inside a human body

she was always trying to kill us so we don't really believe that she's going to help us out in this scenario either and that's like what causes the big stir and they start talking about this and the other thing you got to do this it's in violation of the pirate code

and someone's like oh yeah well let's let's review the rule book or whatever and it's we have to fucking talk to the dude who oversees the pirate rulebook and here we go everybody it is fucking Keith Richards just dressed up as this pirate

and it'd be like this shit is so annoying he looks like fucking dog shit he looks like fucking dog he looks absolutely terrible dog shit the pirate It's me dog shit like you know in interviews with the first movie

you know and it was like oh Johnny Depp like how'd you find Jack Sparrow and it's like he talked about you know emulating Keith Richards and everything like this just is the ultimate wink casting kind of thing and it's it's a really obnoxious cameo I have to say it's a type of cameo that like it's beneath the first movie yeah but now that it's the third movie we're just going to do it for like the press of it I I remember there being like a thing too where when it came out you know there was no mention of it like in the selling of it. It was like, oh, did you

hear? Did you hear who the cameo was in the new Pirates movie? Not going to tell you. Rolling Stone. Can't get no. Jotley Roger. That's right. We've got

Warren Zevon. He's going to be in Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Better movie, man. But apparently also Keith Richards was drunk the whole time and like yeah what did you be yeah by the way Warren Zevon's last

line was uh enjoy every crack and sandwich but yeah when I just he was wasted and like Gorber Vince could like prop him up to get him to act and he's like well you knew what you were getting when you got me did you catch too that they went real heavy handed with it it's like there's all those lines

about living forever and it's just like yep Wink Yeah It's almost like I've been in a rock band For a very, very, very long time And he's playing a guitar Oh my God Him playing that guitar

I could not even I do love the fucking thing though Where some guys like, yeah well fuck the pirate Code And Keith Richards entrance is murdering this guy Kind of funny I have to say And he's, oh, how's mom? And she's got a shrunk, he's got a shrunken head.

It's the mother and yada, yada, yada. And again, though, like, I know it's a cartoon movie and whatever the fuck. But, like, if my father was like, yeah, your mother's dude just fine, here's her fucking shrunken head I'm carrying around. I would do more than the Jack Sparrow, like, shrug about it. Like, whoa, look at that. My own mother's fucking salted, fucking cured head. Okay.

I do like, like, the opportunity to do the cost. of all these pirates around the world. It's kind of fun. I like the French guy that starts punching people. No, I like the fat Spanish guy, that guy rules him and his crew. The best Oh, go ahead, Ben. Oh,

I'm ashamed to admit that the pirate with the high voice actually got me to laugh out loud. Nice. It's going to happen eventually. The best cameo in this scene, though, forget Keith Richards, dude, that fucking dog is still alive. Yes, I couldn't believe.

I wrote that down. I was like, my lord. Now, Ben, you didn't see the stinger scene of the last film, my lord. My lord, we're talking about this again. The dog was going to be like he was, he was on a cannibal island and declared the god of the cannibals, but the catch-22

there is they eat their god. So you're like, this dog is going to die. But now the dog is shown to be alive and somehow evaded that entire island. That's a weird. I want the dog movie. Do Milo notice set on the high seas.

That's a direct to DVD extra fake bonus film that I would take pleasure in it. I don't know. Milo and Otis set on the high seas seems like it's even going to have a higher dog death count than even Milo and Otis. But that's fine. So it's the dog and the monkey and we go through like 12

of them through the filming. That's my question. Does he hold rank? Does the dog hold rank is he Captain Huckleberry? No, no. No, no. I think the monkey, because the monkey's more biologically human and the monkey can ride the dog let's think about that. Oh yeah, that's

true. A little saddle. Think about a little saddle on a dog. So they make a bunch of big speeches about whether or not to... I don't think about it right now. They make a bunch of big speeches about why or why not they should go to war. They decide to take

a vote. The whole thing was they're talking about like pirate kings and electing a pirate king and that's why Keith Richards comes out with the fucking pirate guidebook or whatever so they hold a vote. It's a pirate Bible. Yes, yeah, totally. The Bible. It's a pirate Bible written by Keith Richards' character saying,

if I did it about killing Jack Kerr's mother. O.J. You need it on the high seas. That dude should be banished to the high seas. That would be pretty cool. O.J. would make a pretty good pirate, I think. He's done a good

job so far. He knows his wear and a cutlass. Oh, red glove, y'ar. Pirate red gloves. I love it. Yeah, so then they hold this vote, and the whole thing is like, oh, it's pointless to vote for a pirate king, because every time we do it, every pirate votes for themselves. And in this instance, Jack Sparrow also throws in a vote for Elizabeth Swan.

She becomes King of the Pirates. They then look to her. They decide they're all going to abide by the world. rules. She says, yeah. Thank God that we finally get to a point where two people are like, hey, we have common interest. Maybe this adventure should be a cooperative thing. So they decided, all right, we're going to go to war. You know, so when they get out there on the high seas, they immediately encounter this fucking massive fleet of the East India

trading company. And when that happens, I think it's Johnny Depp is like, oh, hey, how about a parley? I haven't done that in a couple movies. and uh dumbest shit in the world this fucking shit my lord this like strip of sand and it's like the two parties walking together

did you guys notice this fucking fart rock coming out of this score oh yes dude there's something else I need to talk about it's awful what were you saying about that though Eric Davy Jones the whole lore is he can't set foot

on land like once every 10 years they have the most fucking standing in a bucket of water. He's standing in water. Oh, my God. I didn't even notice that. He's on land, but they're like, oh, this doesn't make sense for our fucking story, but the script doesn't fucking matter, does it? They just want to see fucking ships explode.

So Davy Jones, we're not going to rewrite this. We're not going to make him like in a lagoon, like a creature of black lagoon, like in the water, head sticking out during this meeting. He's going to be standing in a fucking bucket. of water. A fucking bucket of water. The most insulting thing I've ever seen. I got to go back and watch that. Dude, I did not even notice him standing there.

He's standing in a bucket of water. It's only to fucking stick it in the whatever wizard's eye that cursed him. He's just like, dude, A, I'm not ferrying people to the dead. B, yeah, make me into a squid, but I'm on fucking land and it hasn't even been 10 years, baby. And at least build him like a dunk

tank or something like that. And also, it just undermines the previous movies of his, oh, I kick of one land i'm crying about it exactly just to have this bad scene where in like it's it's it's yeah the the bad guys versus the good guys and they're making all sorts of deals wherein we we should say will is now with the bad guys because yes he's made a deal he's made a deal with lord becket to what was this again it's he makes a deal with lord beckett to deliver them to he knows how to get a shipwreck rec cove or whatever and that's and to do that he's

gonna be like okay and then I'll you know blah blah blah I'm a bad guy now he's doing some of the worst acting there's a scene a T scene with Beckett Davy Jones and oh will Turner wearing like terrible it's supposed to be like contrite like oh well I think I've got the upper hand now and it's still just Ardolando blooming being like well it's pretty bad that I've got the upper hand isn't it yeah it's like is that lunch he is a big zero like it's such a zero it's really bad man. The monkey outax him in this movie. Seriously. So the

decision they reach is like, okay Beckett and Davy Jones are going to swap Will for Jack Sparrow. Sure. Hey, sure. Why not? You know what, man? Let's get another person on a different fucking boat than they were on two minutes

ago. But it's important to note that Jack does not want to release Calypso from her bonds, but on his way out, Barbosa steals his missing nine pieces of eight, the last piece that he needed to actually release her from her bonds. Right. And the thing

about this nine pieces of eight shit that's so lazy, and it's another thing that like, I think it's Gibbs tries to explain. It's rushed and it makes no fucking sense. But the idea is like the mystical like nine pieces of eight is just like literally whatever

that participating pirate has on their person. Because the like, Jack nine pieces of eight thing that Barbosa swipes is just he gets one of his little like bead hair things cut off

and the monkey grabs it and Barbosa's like all right that's the piece from Jack now the whole like Gibbs explains like oh everyone was hard up when we did this so it's all just whatever we had laying around yes yeah he even makes a joke where it's like well we call it the

nine pieces of eight because we don't want to call it whatever we had lying around also why do you even care. Can we just get to the next scene? If I don't care, then you don't care, I guess. This is all bullshit lore anyways. Thank God, I have nine dirt chips, ready to go. He might as well turn to the camera and be like, don't you want to go get some more popcorn for the rest of the movie?

Could someone, I hate to do this. Could somebody wake up Kira Knightley? Her big scene is coming really soon. I would hate for her to miss it. take a look at the level of Butterfinger minis you have in your box. May I need to go get a second box before the third act gets underway. I have

seven skittles here. Could you give me two more in my hand so I could start the magical thing here? If you hate swirlies, now is a good time to go to the bathroom. If you love swirlies, please stay in yee seats. Yee seats. So there is a scene between,

I actually kind of like because you get to see regular Bill Nighi with these sick white guy dreads between Calypso and I was wondering like is that actually him maybe because we're now in 2020 and I can't remember him looking this young but maybe it's the beard working for him it's funny that you ask that Eric you know who that actually is

tell me Jason Patrick or Rabinsky likes to give him a little money I'm kidding I was so excited, Chris. I was so excited. You should have seen the look on Eric's face. Yeah, this is one of the rare episodes. We're recording with Zoom as well.

So we're seeing each other for the first time since. Well, not the last time. Yeah. But it's a nice scene where they discuss. Basically, she ghosted him on one of his, his idea was, I'm going to do this job. Every 10 years is going to come. You're going to be at that restaurant in the Dark Night Rises, right?

And she's like, oh, absolutely. I'll always be there. Well, that's the thing, dude. They basically did the plot of like an affair to remember or, you know, remade as sleepless in Seattle or, you know, the plot of before sunrise, right? It's like, all right, we promise each other that in 10 years time we're going to meet at this place in Vienna. Don't worry about it. You're definitely going to be there and I'm going to be there. We're going to rekindle this one magic night we had walking around and talking in the streets of Vienna.

R, R, you, you must remember this. A pig is still a pig. A hog is still a hog. But she fucking left him, right? She left him and that made him stop doing his duties and that led to all sorts of bad stuff. So now it's time to release Calypso from her bonds. This is when we get a giant woman.

Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. She becomes like 50 feet high And then she turns into a bunch of crabs And that's it Yeah Those crabs On that character everybody Ben alluded to the crabs earlier

Maybe there's a connection there Between Purgatory and Calypso Or not A delicious connection Between the earlier scene in the movie Perfect sense You know the the illusion there Oh Kent it's the symbolism

My goodness Hi hi hi hollage here from Big Women Daily this is maybe a daily publication this is maybe a C plus at maximum ladies and gentlemen on the Hollis scale maybe we're talking to C plus

I mean this reporter that just hacked into this Zoom is right okay because it's brief we only see a brief moment of a giant woman it would be great if this giant woman maybe kicked a ship or something Yeah, let's snap some masks or something. What if she crushed a man?

That's a good point, Steve. Not, there is Mary a pirate getting squished. Step on me. Or like she eats him or something. This is what I just couldn't wrap my head around. This was a movie that cost like $300 million to make. And there's no more cracking in it. You get a giant woman, but she didn't do anything.

She just turns into crabs. Now, it's like, and what's crazy, too, is like, you see these crabs or a variation of those crabs, you know, that moved the black pearl earlier in the film. So you'd expect then

that those same crabs would band together and maybe take down a ship or do something. They just scuttle off into the water. And then I guess later she's blamed for making that fucking cyclone happen. There is a joke of like,

oh, Calypso gave me crabs because one pirate like takes a crab out from his trousers Oh man Didn't out of here That didn't happen It did happen

Don't tell me it didn't happen I saw it happen Shout out to all the Shout out to all the parents in 2007 That had to explain that joke to their kids Or try to fake an explanation to their kids Mommy I want to get crabs Don't you do not

You wrap it up I want Grab now Little kid Listen, you know, absence only doesn't work. Tell your little... No, never mind. Tell your six-year-old about crabs.

We did not talk about the way in which she's made large, by the way, the way that she's freedby. And this... This... This is the start, though, of every tertiary character has to have their moment of heroism,

and this is McKenzie, Crook, like, telling, is it Jack Spare or Barbosa? They have to, like, read an incantation while all of the little nine pieces of eight are on fire or whatever in a bowl. And he says the line, I release you from your human bonds and nothing happens. And this is McKenzie Crook steps up and he's like, no, you got to say it right. And they mentioned something about like, you have to say it

seductively. So here's this dude like whispering in Naomi Harris's ear and like that does the fucking trick and it's like that guy's moment to shine man you've been waiting three movies you love this character so much here he is saving the day it's something dumb it is fucking dumb is what it is

so she starts a maelstrom by the way all the pirates band together you don't see it's one of those things where it's like and it's kind of thankful but we also set this thing up like if we have hundreds of ships there should be like a lot of ships fighting each other it's really just these two ships

flushed around around a toilet. And everybody else is hanging back. Yes, exactly. On both sides, on the East India trading company side and on the pirate side. But is it the East, it's, it's the flying Dutchman and the Black Pearl, right? Yes, but the flying Dutchman stands in for the East Indian trading company because they're part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. They don't even get Griffin Wingsworth in. Like, why wouldn't you call him in to help out in this situation? You got to dial one 900 Wingsworth, dude. And wait, so who would be the, the in charge of the land

deaths like Steve Buscemi yeah that works yeah that's it so yeah get Steve Buscemi on this too there's something that happens like Jack Sparrow is like on the East Indian boat at some point around here sure yeah and we see like

he's he's circle talking the same guy because he's stealing Davy Jones's heart again yep it's the return of the two know it all guys exactly and it's just like first movie at first I was really repulsed by this. I was like, I hate these guys. I'm like, oh, right, because there's less people in the world back then.

This just points to a less population on Earth. I guess so. But it also points to do, we're wrapping up this trilogy right now. We've got to bring back these fucking fan favorites, dude. And by the end of this movie, when the credits are rolling, these two guys have been pretending to be pirates. It is fucking terrible. So we should, we're not going to go through this entire thing

But I did want to point out that at the start of the toilet flush We are still talking about like 49 minutes left in this movie Right and the toilet flush was Calypso's doing I guess Yes, this maelstrom is blamed on her She flushed the sea because she was mad Yeah And the toilet she just must have kept her her flipper or whatever On the on the handle

because that thing just kept going. Yeah, and someone was taking a shower and made it really hot for them too. We also have to watch the two know-it-alls that we just talked about. They have to survive the toilet flush. We watched them survive the toilet flush by swinging from one ship to the other.

Imagine how cool this movie would be if a giant plunger came down. Oh, shit. Then it's like a Monty Python sketch. Wait, Chris, we pan back and it's the Mario Brothers, dude. Chris, were those ships? They look like little pieces of crap from like wide shots.

That's how they did. Like they ran out of money, Ben, and they're like, all right, look, this looks so much like a toilet anyway. Someone just takes shit, just for some of the wide shots. Not all of them. We got to go film Gore Verbinski's toilet. We have a world-renowned shit artist here. He's going to mold. your shit into ships.

Oh, God. So, yeah, we're all fighting each other. We're fucking swashbuckling finally in this goddamn movie. Absolutely. This is around where, Eric, you brought this up. It's Beckett's, like, number two guy. Yeah. He's the dude that gets all the fucking, he gets, like,

squid choked by Davy Jones right here. Almost for no other reason than this is the third movie and they wanted to kill this. guy. I mean, this guy was like a bad character from the start. He was an adversary to not only Elizabeth Swan, but the governor. So it's like you've been waiting for him to get his comeuppets, and I just didn't expect him

to be face-fucked by Davy Jones. He got his come-upance all right. I'm going to finish inside you, lad. We should say whatever, Jack Davenport also gets murdered by whatever. It just sort of happens kind of unsurmoniously. To the point of why the

fuck bother bringing this character back every movie. This is what happens when when fucking like agents and whoever and managers and film companies are striking these fucking contracts with actors and shit where it's like sure Jack Davenport you're in this

first movie as like the main villain or whatever and we're also going to put in your contract that you have to appear in two sequels. And like when you get to the third movie and you've done that with the contracts for most of the people from the first movie this is the problem

this is why you're just like killing people like it's just like fat on the on the cut of meat you know and it's like all right jack davenport you were the villain in the first movie now you're just going to be unceremoniously murdered by stella scars guard Donald Price is going to die off screen the Kraken whose agent must have been

fucking furious like what he doesn't get a death scene excuse me people are mocking my client's corpse after his off screen death how is he going to get Spider-Man man for at this rate. You've got two characters talking about turn the name into sandwiches, man.

Where is his back end is what I want to know. I was kicking. You got to butter that bread. There you go. I was kicking myself in my own back end right here because in this big like fucking fight scene which is like the final big battle of the movie and this is like this is where Davy Jones is on top of the mast with Jack and they're having the big fight. Down on the deck,

of the ship, Elizabeth and Will start screaming at Jeffrey Rush to marry them. And we're doing that whole thing. Yeah. That's supposed to happen in the beginning of the second movie and it doesn't. It's delayed. I was just going to say, where the fuck did this come from? The second movie Ben opens with like, it's going to be their wedding day. And then like, Beckett and all of the East India dudes and the fucking like British Navy roll in and they're like,

you're all pirates and you're all sentenced to death and like that's the start of the second movie so they've been trying to get married for some time and again though this is just like oh fuck this is the last movie we have with these guys under contract we gotta fucking see these kids married off or whatever and they're doing this like we're fighting

and saying the wedding vows it stinks and then we're cutting back and forth between everything else and meanwhile Davy Jones and Jack Sparrow are fighting on the mast way up there and by the time we cut back to them it's like 30 fucking minutes later

and like really? Barbose is feeding fucking dead bodies to Calypso this whole time he's got like fucking 20 guys get stabbed while he's fumbling through a marriage proposal

I inadvertently paused it like kind of right when you know it's like ah you know sword fight on the mast it seems like we're you know 10 minutes from the end like this is the climax and I paused it

and then I could see on the little time code like 50 minutes left I like I audibly balked It's shocking when that happens man It's absolutely shocking And also like this is where you should kill Jack Davenport And even kill what he called their Jonathan Price it would be much

It would make these sword fights have something Like if Jonathan Price is sword fighting some guy And he gets killed like holy shit Jack Davenport same deal holy shit As opposed to everyone just like clang clang clang clang let's have fun blah blah blah like not even no one dies in midst of sword fight like you know what no no one dies no one well here comes will he they get married he jumps on to the flying dutchman to try and save his daddy um and at this point he gets overtaken and fucking uh squidman kills him

with his own sword by the way from the first movie blah blah blah came through oh oh i did not realize it was the same sword it just doesn't matter It does not matter. You mean a refreshing sword death? I mean, finally, at least something. Yes, seriously. Somebody got to stabbing the heart. But like at the same time, Erica, yes, in a movie with a body count that rivals saving Private Ryan, no one dies in this movie. Exactly. It's true. Which is why. I was at the start, but no one dies going forward. Yeah. No one where the death matters. You can kill all these anonymous pirate people and it's fine nobody gives a shit.

That's why people come back from death. Well, that's what I'm saying. Anyone whose death would actually have some sort of weight or meaning comes back from the dead. I guess maybe except Jonathan Price. Does Norrington come back at any point in the next two?

I don't know. Next week, folks. Next week, stranger ties. I doubt it. I doubt it Cabin only because I was reading the plot summary of the four. fourth one, and it sounds like a straight up like, we are veering

away from this original trilogy as much as possible, except for one character who will be very important in the fourth movie. But what if, like, fucking... Keith Richards. What if McKenzie Crook got fucking axed by somebody? You know what I mean? Those dudes are expendable. The fucking

know-it-all soldiers are totally expendable. Fucking kill those dudes, but like... Kill Gibbs! It would either... Gibbs or one of those guys would add a heart to the movie, Like, oh, like, your sacrifice won't go in vain, love. Like, I think, thank you for your service, you know. But yeah, Orlando Bloom gets stabbed in the heart.

And then there's the, because he keeps saying, like, whoever stabs. My favorite part of the movie. Whoever stabs David Jones in the heart has to become the immortal captain. And I guess Johnny Depp wants to do this, right? Johnny, that's his, like, plans. Oh, my God. There was a moment of angels on an angel and devil on his shoulder. debating it.

We get a little mini Johnny Deppes. They crawl out of his dreadlocks. They might as well crawl out of his fucking ass because that's where this belongs. Yeah, that whole Yeah, he's in a jail cell on

Davy Jones's ship and I think this is where he, yeah, he's in the brig. He does have a moment of like talking to himself again. This is where one of the fucking multiplicity clones is like him as a fucking crickety barnacle pirate

and he rips his fucking brain out of his own skull and licks it so there's that he has licking things in this movie definitely does brains rocks God knows what else but the whole thing Steve that I was going to say

about him wanting the job is he in this movie kind of has the mentality and I think Ben I don't know what your track record is with this thing that I'm about to mention, but I know the other two don't care. He's kind of like when Buffy comes back from the dead.

Yeah. Steve, and she's like, I was fucking happier dead at peace and you brought me back. His mentality is kind of the same as Buffy, where he's like, listen, I was fucking, yeah, I was going crazy like as a dead person in purgatory, but like, kind of

prefer that to being on this fucking pirate adventure with you. I wish I was dead forever. I wished I was dead Watching the movie Yeah absolutely Or just in 2020 Ditto Ditto Ditto

Yeah I think that's sort of what his thing is It's not really super explored But it's like oh Either he'd rather be dead Or he'd rather live forever In some sort of fashion To stay away from Davy Jones's locker

Yeah I guess is the Like yeah If you're working for the bad guys You're not gonna be fucking killed by the bad guys But he's about to do it, and then he realizes, oh, my buddy Will is actually dead. I don't like that. So then he makes Will do it. So they take is like, yeah, they put the knife or it's like it's the piece of the broken sword.

Yes. In his fucking dead hand. It's like fucking weekend at Bernie's kind of a thing. Was that his last will in testament? Oh, boy. Oh, boy, dude. But then his dad. You're going to walk the plank after that joke.

I wish. That joke belongs on the poop deck. Well, why don't you swab it, Master Worcester? His dad has to cut his own heart out. Like, they all kind of arise up, like, very zombie-esque. Like, part of the ship, part of the ship. That's kind of a cool, like, eerie mantra that they have. And that lobster guy, could you crack through the ribs for me?

Like, big chunks, like that. We did not mention him, but there's a dude with an eel head. Oh, eelhead. It does. Eelhead is awesome because it gives Jeffrey Rush, like, the scare of his life. Yeah, and then he cuts the eel head off, and it's like, great. Oh, thank God. Yeah.

No, that wasn't too shabby. I will say, my favorite part of this whole Will Turner getting murdered thing is when Davey Jones fucking lays the death blow, Stellan Scarsgard loses his fucking mind and starts beating the shit out of Davy Jones right here. It's kind of awesome, man. it's like a little fucking monster on monster fight and like very rarely in the fight does Davy Jones have the upper hand

he gets the shit beat out of him by bootstrap Bill Turner but yeah this the heart is stabbed so Davy Jones eat shit that's the end of this dude he falls into the fucking toilet the toilet sort of after Davy Jones goes in I think the toilet sort of settles itself the sea settle

and it does see it's a very confusing image I don't like rewind because like the Dutchman like goes down into the water and they kind of take the black pearl they're like all right come on baby make it over this hill yeah and then it all just kind of like crests like the toilet's just running the last wad went through it went all the way through and then it was done right and after that wad went through there the black pearls now oh oh still a hundred thousand fucking East Indian Trading Company

ships but oh oh the Dutchman returns Oh yeah Three and a half seconds later So if you even like had If you had any stake in Oh shit they killed Orlando Bloom in this movie Don't worry he's bad

Have the Black Pearl engage these ships And then it come back to save the day A little later Exactly like it looks like they're really down for the count After fighting in some capacity and then the Dutchman flies out and saves the day. Instead, like, the Dutchman flies out. The two

of them, like, park the boats with the fucking Beckett ship in the middle and just light this dude up. They light this fucking ship up. This is where we get the Lord Beckett walking around the ship in slow motion while it's exploding around him, which I thought was

pretty sweet roast. Yes, this is... Wednesday at 10.30, the roast of Davy Jones. It's also kind of like a Savage Garden music video. You're a savvy garden. Yeah, savvy garden. Well, everything's turning to splinters all around him.

And it's like, and there's a moment where like his number one or number two is like, oh, what are your orders master? And he's like, it was just supposed to be business. Oh, I didn't understand. I would get, crikey, what is my character? I mean, when it turned into slow motion, exactly. like is it are we in a music video is is keef going to come out

like like walking through the hull of the ship destroying it like Beckett's big line by the way like this is the one line of Beckett in the movie pretty much is like oh he expects us to keep our agreement sorry Jacket was just business

yeah right that's the start of what becomes his like final words or whatever. Exactly. Why wasn't this guy playing a harpsichord while his ship went down? That's what I want to know. That's a big question, Ben. I don't know the answer to it, but it's

unfortunate. Or even like, give me like a fucking piece of shrapnel goes through him and he gets like impaled. He's killed Jonathan Price and the Cracken for Christ's sake, my two favorite characters. He deserves a figure death. Yes. Because you don't even see him. I mean, you know he dies or theoretically he dies.

The bitch super explodes. I mean, fire is around him and then you see the boat explode. So presumably he is Parrish. I mean, give us a T2 like flesh flying off the body. You mean Lord or Lord Beckett like with a thumbs up

sinking into the ocean? Yeah, I'm not into like I like the fact that we have killed Davy Jones but have Davy Jones come back and eat him total. Like I want to assume his body. Or like a crack and baby starts to eat him. Oh, I like that.

Oh, maybe a crack and like okay how about this like davy jones fucking comes up to becket and like gives him a fucking godfather two kiss right and and becket's like what's that about and then like later in the movie long after davy jones has died beckett's like oh indigestion i see and his fucking chest explodes and it's like baby crack and comes out of it we find chest explosions i like any of these dude a godfather kiss with like tentacles is pretty... Oh, there's some slash fiction right there.

I'm going to say, we're not doing it again. I will not do it again. We unite two of the greatest comedy duos of all time. The idiot pirates and the no-at-all soldiers pretending to be pirates. Now they're a big fucking sketch comedy team. Love it.

Can't wait for their fucking Netflix comedy special. So good. It's so dumb. And everyone's kind of saying goodbye to each other and like Elizabeth is going to leave because now Will is dead. or Will can't go on land until every 10 years, yada, yada. Right.

And then we flash forward a little bit and we see Jack Spada on a beach or in Tortuga with Gibb and they're fucking all sorts of ladies. But, uh-oh, the black pearl is gone, right? Someone is still in the black pearl. And it's the same two prostitutes from the first two movies, by the way, because we have to get the gag of him getting slapped in the face again. that all happened. I think there was a line in this somewhere. It might have been Gibb instead why the rum is gone so that

happened. Sure. But also the other thing is right before we see that, because the Tortuga sequence is the last sequence of the movie, right before that is pirate fucking because I guess, well Elizabeth is a retired pirate

at this point, but like he's like, Okay, cool. Like my 10 years on the sea starts right after the fuck fest I'm about to have. And like the two of them find some like unmarked island. They go to town on each other. Clearly. This is what I was talking about with the fucking conalingas. Like there is a scene where her dress like skirt or whatever is like all the way up.

You can see all of her leg. And he's like kissing her knee and he's moving forward. And it cuts to her face and like her eyes kind of close. and then, like, he stops. She pulls her leg out of a big old pirate boot, and that worked for a lot of people. Absolutely. And again, I've got kids here.

Mommy, why was he shoving his face between her legs? He went for that knee. He was all about that knee. I just could not believe it. And so, yeah, then it's like their whole thing. She watches him sail off. She sees the green blip on the horizon. Isn't the right move to be like, listen, sweetheart?

It's not going to work out for you and me. I'm going to turn into a squid eventually. You need to move on with your life. Like, this is a fun fuck. That would make sense. That's a noble thing to do, I think. But it doesn't happen. Quick, we get Barbarossa on the black pearl.

He had stolen it and he pulls out the map and it's like, oh no, part of it's cut out. Johnny Deppson a little dingy going to find the fountain of youth on his own. You know what, dude? Let's not even worry about immortality. anymore. Like, it, it, we've learned that lesson a lot. It's not a good idea. We've learned it sucks. Fuck it.

Yeah. We've been dealing with immortality since the first movie. That was Barbosa and his crew were cursed to be the skeleton pirates for eternity. Let's get some cash and get some fucking going. No, no. How else are we supposed to establish finality other than starting another adventure?

The thing that's bogus about that, though, cabin is we see Jack Sparrow in this little dingy going after the fountain of youth. And he's by himself. Yeah. What did he do? Fucking live Gibbs on the dock there?

Yeah, I guess so. And the monkey is the monkey. I forget, did he keep the monkey? The monkey is with Barbosa. Oh. The monkey also has a moment of heroism when in the final battle, not to drag this out too much longer, but the two Dufus pirates launched the monkey out of a cannon. I do remember that.

Oh, that was spectacular. Yes, he is. And he blasts over to the other. ship and he starts fucking ripping some dude's face off. I bet she's, he's probably one of the pirate lords now. They probably had somebody else fell out. But so Barbosa thinks he's going after the Fountain of Youth. Jack has the map to the Fountain of Youth.

Yoho motherfuckers. Let's roll these credits. Yo ho. Well, no. Drink up me hearties. Yoho. Jack says the movie ends. Credit sequence. Boom. Stinger sequence 10 years later, which I'm very excited. Soon enough, folks, on this feed, we're going to get to the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie from 2017. And we'll see if it addresses any of this 10 years later nonsense. Yeah, totally. But so we see 10 years later, it's Elizabeth and, uh-oh, what appears to be a 10-year-old boy walking out

onto the same sort of field area. and sure enough there's the ship comes out of the water and his bastard son yeah dude and like there's Orlando Bloom and you can tell by the way

Orlando Bloom is get the job done helping escort souls to the other side because he still looks the same there's not a barnacle on that beautiful face he's got a scar on his chest yeah it's a cool looking scar I'll give it that it's a cool looking sky's like oh this scar right here you want to know how I got this scar

it was from when my father cut my heart out of my dead body. If that is not a pickup line, I don't know what is. Well, that's the thing is if you are so fucking hung up on your dad so much, you're cursed to spend eternity with him. What a fucking nightmare that is. You know, if you're just nice to Wingsworth, he gives you shit all the time. I guess the other guy was just being a dick to him also fucking doing nothing at his job. Yeah. I think it's no sense to me. I think you're right, Chris. Now, just out of confusion because I've been confused this entire time.

Was it his father that cut his heart out or was it, it was Davy Jones, right? David Jones stabbed him, but then at the end, to make it work, he has to get his hearts ripped out by somebody else.

His daddy definitely helped, man. And dad helped that process out. Dad was doing the cutting and then you have to put the heart in the dead man's chest. Oh, speaking of which, in the slash fiction I read earlier, the father helps strap Will up

to be defiled by David Jones. The slash fiction seems pretty canonical. This is also what happens when the eldest Scarsguard dies. The younger Scarsguards change out their hearts and they put it in a big box. It's a Swedish tradition. It is, as it is.

That is blissfully the end of this movie, the stinger scene and all. I feel like this is a fool's question. Would anybody recommend this movie, starting with Steve Zadag? No, no, no, no. I honestly, like, literally was dreading this entire... I actually feel a little bit free because I never have to see this movie again. Yep. And the next two movies

are new movies to me at the very least. I don't have to, like, if we're watch anything. I felt very much, like, when we're starting in the gallows, it felt very appropriate for me, like, just a death march. So I feel very... I feel very free now. You're free, Jeannie. fuck this movie. Nothing should be this long. It's so convoluted. It's not fun. It's not satisfying for this series. It just sucks. Totally. Chris Cabin.

I'm glad that Steve made like the positive points about like it is over. That is nice to remember. This is such a numbing and terrible experience. Like I fucking hate this movie so fucking much. And like it's like even at that length, fucking two hours and goddamn four. what, was it, 48 minutes? 49, yeah, 49, God damn minutes. And it's not even like surprising. None of it. Yes. And the nothing is nothing, nothing. It's absolute nothingness.

And I fucking ate it. And yeah, it's done with. Never again. Eric Siska. First of all, it's okay to like a movie. I want to get that out of the way. I've been saying it for every single episode of this. No, you have, you got to.

You have to do it. A lot of people love it. And it's totally fun if you like it. I personally don't. I wouldn't recommend this. Actually, going through this series is making me like the first movie more somehow because it was like... Yeah, because it's like at least that was like controlled in such a way. I do like some of the visuals in this movie and some of it reminded me of this is very a stoner in the 1970s would pick up on this reference.

Actually, Chris Walton, who did some of our posters, turned me on to this book series. Michael Morecock's Elric series and he's got a book called The Sailor on the Seas of Fate and some of the trippy shit reminded me of the stuff in this like 1970s fantasy novel which was kind of cool

so I'd say read that or watch the first movie again there you go Ben Worcester our esteemed guest for this week why ye mutinous dogs I give you another fine

pirate movie, and you reject it. Oh, a vast. Well, Ben had his own agenda this whole time. Oh, he double-crossed us. You was just lying about being a double. Savvy. Have you heard the phrase, dead men record no pods? Well, we're about to put that.

No, I very much, you know, coming into this, having never seen it, kind of knew what I was getting into and it's certainly proved to be that this was the longest Pirates movie is the most bloated it's the end of this trilogy it kind of has that whole syndrome that we talked about with uh trilogies with a corporate mandate that just get you know too bloated and and kind of weighed down um I would I that being said I am I think I'm going to go back and watch that first one just to see like how that is that registers after this experience. I feel like it will feel completely different.

And I may even be like, yeah, I could see why I remember liking this. But I, no, I think the reason I got out of it after the second one was reinforced by this third one, where it's just like, these guys, just lost it. And I can't, ye voyage ahead. Oh, I do not envy that. You've got two more to go. There'll be monsters ahead.

I will say at least with these other two voyages we have ahead of us, they are indeed noticeably shorter than this movie. This was the one. We are over the hump of the longest movie here. I would not recommend this movie. It's a bummer because the more I think on this franchise and what we're doing with it here, I like, I like adventure.

shit. I love the ocean. I love sword fights. All of this shit should be catered to me. But like it just goes to show like corporate bloat with Blockbuster movie making is just toxic. And like it's really sad that a movie that has this

much going on with it is so boring and convoluted and just draining like not fun at all. And I can't imagine like I mean I took a fucking solid nap like I've been talking about through this movie in the theater. but like you know for

Chris and Steve who suffered through the whole thing I mean that's like with previews and everything we're talking about like three hours and 40 minutes sitting in the fucking theater like it's just so much for so little yeah it's just a real bummer but that is Pirates of the Caribbean at Worlds and I want to thank Ben Worcester

for coming on always happy to have you back on the program sir oh it has been an honor and a privilege. But I hope you don't mind if I just mosey on down this plank right now. Ben, before you do that, I understand you're on another podcast. Oh, oh. Now where did ye hear that? Well, you know, I mean, it's very popular. So why don't you tell the folks at home what it is? It is, it's very true. At the bottom of the sea, I record a podcast with you, Eric, fancy that.

It's, we, we, if you've never heard it before, or if you've never seen it, go back and watch a little old early 80s cop show called T.J. Hooker. And if that floats your boat, there's a podcast you can listen to alongside that, hooked on T.J. Hooker. Great show. You know how you catch fish. That's with a hook. That's true. That's true. That's T.J. Hooker Podcast.com or look up hooked on T.J. Hookerhooker wherever you find pod. There you go. Now, of course, Pirate Mania has two weeks left in the tank. We're going into next week, Pirates of the Caribbean, Colin on Stranger Tides. And we will be having a guest joining us for that one as well, Steve Sadek. Jordan Searle's, the great writer, she's all over the place. She's on Bitch Magazine and other places. Right. And she's got a podcast, Bad Romance. Yes, Bad Romance Pod. She's hilarious. We're really excited to have her on for the first time. That's right. Yeah, for the first time, unfortunately, she has to make her show debut talking about such a wretched sequel, but we're very excited to have Jordan. It would have been in studio, but thanks a lot. COVID. Now we'll be hanging out over the internet like we've had here with Ben. Thanks a lot again for coming on. We're always happy to have you. Next week, gang, Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides, second to last of these pirate adventures.

I want to mention, if you're sick of that, head on over to patreon.com slash we ate movies and listen to our episode on The Ring. Gorvibinsky's most effective movie, most trim movie. Totally. And a movie that after almost two decades still totally holds up. For sure. So until next week with Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek.

Aric Cic. Chris Cabin. Barnacle Ben Worcester. Take it easy. Thank you. That was a hate gum podcast.