We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 486 - Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (with Jourdain Searles)

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

On this week's episode, Pirate Mania claims another victim as the gang welcomes film critic and co-host of the Bad Romance Podcast, Jourdain Searles to chat about the... sigh... fourth installment of this Mickey Mouse franchise, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides! How many sword fights in the rafters must we endure? What's with that Judi Dench cameo? And how do you not show the Pearl sailing out of that bottle at the end? PLUS: Did everyone get a look at Barbossa's cool thermos? Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides stars Johnny Depp, Penélope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush, Ian McShane, Kevin McNally, Sam Claflin, Astrid Bergès-Frisbey, Stephen Graham, Keith Richards, and the legendary Richard Griffiths; directed by Rob Marshall. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program oh my god there's another one it's pirates of the caribbean on stranger tides i'm andrew jupin on stranger steve sadek eric ciska chris cabin dad mermaid and we hate movies I'm a I'm gonnae you're I'm I'm I'm

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Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right, it is week four of Pirate Mania around here, and we are very happy to welcome, not in studio, unfortunately, but joined remotely thanks to the magic of the internet. Jane Searles. You know her as a writer, comedian, podcaster, and the co-host of the Bad Romance Podcast, Jordane, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thanks for having me. Of course, this is great. This is another person that we can, you know, you're also suffering the pirate fever with us.

We're marooned on an island and we appreciate any and all new intention. It's very much, much much appreciated. Absolutely. This is the fourth installment in the franchise from 2011 somehow, God, directed by Rob Marshall. This is the first Verbinski-Liss Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Now, Jordane, we're curious here. We're asking all the guests, what is your back history with this franchise? Did you see any of these suckers and theaters? Yeah, I used to love these movies because I was a big Johnny Depp fan at a time.

Mostly in the 90s, his actual good acting. And then 2003 rolls around and he does this movie. suddenly everybody wants to suck his dick. But, like, it's true. It's, it's, I really liked it at a point. I used to think it was really good. I don't think so anymore. So, yeah, I really liked it the first one.

I had it on DVD. I saw the second one. I thought it was fine. The third one, I actually also fell asleep. Yes. Team nap time. There's like a signal in that film that makes you fall asleep. That should be, I have insomnia.

I should just start putting that on, like, when I'm worried about the state of the world and be like, you know what, dude? At least I'm not here. Yeah, it's not the brown note, the Z note. Now, Drennan, do you, I don't remember this movie coming out. I'm going to be totally honest. I barely, like, I don't remember the ad campaign. I don't remember, like, even teasers or any of that stuff. No, I have no awareness of this movie.

I didn't know anything about it. I knew that they were more movies, but I just assumed that they just made one more. And then they were done. But I thought that the one with Javier Bardem was the fourth one. I didn't know about this one at all. I've been calling the last like three movies of these on Stranger Tides at one point or another. I don't know why this title specifically has stuck in my head like this. Even though I've, until this afternoon or this morning, I've never seen this movie.

What's the next and last one? Dead man's bluff? Somebody's dead man tell no tale. God. There it is. On Stranger Tides might be one of the best titles. Yeah. It's better than at World's End, I think. I think so, yeah. I do not mind this title at all. I also don't mind. We'll get into the movie here.

Our favorite thing to point out here in We Hate Movies, an altered film company opening. Yes. Not too drastic here. It's the Magic Kingdom, as always with the Disney release. However, those mermaids jumping in Walt Disney's pool, man. He was pretty upset about that. I didn't even notice that. That is there, there's mermaids in that shot. Yeah, what are you talking about? There's a pirate flag over the castle now.

So all the citizens of Disney World has been murdered. Yeah, Bob Iger had that put in. I actually went back and rewatch the opening shot of every single one because I was like, was there always a pirate flag up there? There wasn't. No, oh, was this the first one? Yeah. Dark times in the Disney Empire.

Disney has fallen. That's Captain Bob Iger. Dude, half mass, maybe something happens. By the way, Johnny Depp was very upset about some executive. I was reading Tim Cook resigned between these movies. And he's like, my enthusiasm level shrank when Tim left the project kind of a thing, which kind of makes sense because he is sleepwalking through this movie. Well, I read that too.

And that's an interesting, you know, it might, it might make. sense for that because apparently this guy was the big defender of his portrayal of the character in the first three movies and then suddenly like the more the zany elements of Jack Sparer are kind of tamed in this one. He's sleepwalking. Bugs Bunny in this movie. Yeah. It's I just because there's so much of these movies there's a running theme and in this one too where he just like loves the women and he leaves them. And I just kidding. not imagine anyone having sex with this like inhuman kind of

like Peewee Herman kind of creature like it doesn't make sense. At the end, Penelope Cruz is barking at like throwing herself at this guy who looks like a Guns and Roses roadie. He lies about being pregnant and I'm just like

by him. And the crust and the smell and everything else like you know the character's got a fucking stink. A whole personality people should be treating him like a space alien or something. Well, you've got to figure this is like the mid-18th century. As far as like pirates go, I don't know. If you had a choice between Jack Sparrow and Gibbs, I'm going Gibbs, dude.

Gibbs and honest man. Too, yeah. And Gibbs has those mutton chops. Those are like handles, am I right? I feel like Gibbs's mouth is less disgusting. Fair enough. Fair enough. That's probably true.

On the internet, they might say Gibbs is daddy, right, everybody? Yeah. I don't know. He also seems like a tender level. It's going to happen. I'm going to force her off the show. Wait, Gibbs is daddy. That's what you said.

Gibbs is daddy. Yeah, I can see that. I can go with that. What does that mean? He's just an older, sexy man, I think, is what's going on. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like Twitter speak for, like, he's hot. Like, there is a lot of, like, weird choices for that where they'll have, like,

like Martin Scorsese, and he'll be like, Marty, that's Daddy. And I'm just like, all right, he's very old. Daddy, that was a wonderful picture by Vincent Manelli. Somebody called me Daddy on the internet. So, yeah, we start off, our cold open here. There's a small little trawler that is reeling in a fishing net. And, you know, the thing you don't want to have happened when you're out fishing in the ocean in the middle of the night is to pull up your net.

And there's a dude in your net who is also alive. I'd fix that with a knife. So this, the king of Spain is like, oh, cool. Fountain of Youth, Ponce de Leon, how soon can you sail? And this dude, kind of a great line. He's like, with the tide. A great way to say right away. I actually like that.

Like, as soon as the tide goes out, your highness, we're out of here. We're going to have to wait a day. This is a stranger tide that I'm used to. This gentleman looks a lot like Alan Moore that they find, doesn't he? Oh, absolutely. I think it might have been Alan Moore. Okay, yeah. Or inspired by Alan Moore.

I think that's where he got that inspiration for that Watchman Pirate comic, I think. Oh, of course. That all checks out about that. That's Earlymore. No, now he has like a beard. It's almost a colony that's living in that fucking beard of his now. Oh, man.

Everybody's hair is really up to 11 in this movie. Like Johnny Depp had the dreads before, but now they're like gigantic. Like they're thicker and they're also blonde and kind of just like look like shit. Like, I mean, they looked like shit before, but they look worse. And then Barbosa has that, like, giant, unwieldy wig that's not the same color as his, like, chin hair. Yeah. Barbosa, like, siding with the monarchy here for part of this movie and thus wearing, like, I think he just took Jonathan Price's wig. They were like, hey, man, you got killed in that last movie.

You don't need this anymore. Yoink. I know what they were trying to do, but, like, they didn't have to. to make him look like complete shit. Yeah. Barbosa? It looks like a dried turd. Well, yeah, because he's got the, like, the white face paint of the court or whatever. It's like flaky.

Yeah, it looks terrible. I will say the thing, too, about that, about how everybody looks, I think, is, you know, Rabinsky isn't directing this anymore. The crazy filters are gone, and I actually miss them because, like, in the cold light of day, these costumes look like garbage. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. The filters were great.

I mean, well, this is directed by. Rob Marshall, which is like Disney's bitch. They just kind of tell him to do something and he doesn't really have any like aesthetic style. So it just looks kind of like a video game. I just kept on thinking of

the movie in terms of like levels. Like this is the level where we get the guy out of prison. This is the level where the mermaids attack. It all just looks like we're playing through it very slowly. Absolutely. They're like anticipating as soon as this movie is a massive hit,

We're going to release a not so great, totally unappealing video game that no one will buy. Assassin's Creed's Caribbean's drift. Totally. In true Pirates of the Caribbean fashion at this point now in the franchise, we're also starting this movie. You're not 15 minutes into this thing. And it is already, we are getting all revved up for mass pirate execution. It is now entertainment in the, in fog-heeled London town. That's where we go next.

I kind of like enjoy like, okay, yeah, we're going to Europe. That's something new. I did like that. We're briefly there. I do think the London segment is maybe the strongest part of the film because at least some of those fights and escapes feel grounded in some way. Well, it's breezier too. Like the late, we've jettisoned so much of the mythology of the first couple of movies.

And now we're just, now we're doing what we kind of talked about on these for a while. It's like it's its own little adventure. you know what I mean? Like it becomes late in stupid in its own right but like at least in the start in London it's like okay this is like

a fresh start Daddy has a court date I just want to see some memes Daddy Gibbs I'll be honest with you and I'll share Why don't you just make them? I'm not a mimer

you know Oh sure A mimesmith You're an unlicensed meme? Exactly Never graduated from meme school?

I'm an idea man dude gotcha okay but yes Gibbs is on trial for being a pirate the crime of being a pirate he is set to be executed when uh oh we're starting off with funny disguises here's Johnny Depp pretending to be

the magistrate here because Gibbs is being accounted for Sparrow's crimes he's being tried as Jack Sparrow mistaken identity yeah and yes get into that outfit like and how did he get past all those guards. Oh, that's a great question. Kind of the same question is like,

how did Jack Sparrow get in that coffin in the second movie? Yeah. With a drunken bugs bunny shimmy, I think is the idea. Totally. He dressed up as a pretty lady and then tricked the judge and like hit him over the head with a hammer and stole his gown or whatever. Also, though, I think people would notice right away, it's like, wow, that judge really smells. Like, we were in this courtroom and then remember when the judge came in and like right before it didn't smell but then we got it he came into the courtroom and now it smells and like there's also got to be people that like work there every day that's like yeah you know that's uh that's not the judge no i carry his fucking bedpan every day that's not the judge i know that guy right

there yeah he's an imposter everybody smells like shit but nobody not everybody smells like shit and the sea right yeah this guy smells of like sand and salt water he might be a pirate in disguise doing a sequel thing where like Gibbs knows what's going on but he's angry at Johnny Depp so he's like trying to he's kind of saying that he might turn him in as this is happening kind of a thing like they're yeah they're having like a separate conversation like on a different wavelength as they're like in this court proceeding or whatever um we learn that Gibbs first name is joshami mm-hmm that's something I hope that name comes back Oh, you think like...

That's exactly right. Do we have a bunch of like hipsters naming their kids Joshamy now? This is my daughter... It's Joshua. It's Joshua me. Excuse me? My daughter Jaden and my son Joshua me. We're out of Joshamy license plates in the gift show.

Why, yes, we are Lutherans. Oh, whatever, man. So they get in this whole tussle or whatever. And Johnny Depp's like, you know what? This guy can just spend his life. in jail. He doesn't have to be executed. And there is one woman in the gallery of this courthouse that is not having it. Like, she's so there for blood and is screaming about this guy not being hanged. I think Seinfeld being delayed, dude. That's, that's all they got.

Yeah. And it's, I almost wanted, they, like, are selling, like, like, hung puppets outside of the thing. I wanted them to, like, just sell a t-shirt then. Like, break out the big stuff. popcorn in the bucket. Do the whole thing. Seinfeld being delayed, it'd be great if they finally catch Jack Sparrow and Gibbs over like the Good Samaritan Law. He refuses to help somebody who's about to be run down by like a, like, you know, horse and carriage or something like that, they just laugh at him. Speaking of a horse and carriage, this is now where we get an exciting moment, right?

So Gibbs is being taken to the Tower of London for sentenced to life instead of death And Jack Sparrow pays off the carriage rider But the carriage rider A pirate tattoo That means he's just going to double cross you anyway And actually take you to the fucking tower of London Or whatever

They go to the king's like courtroom or dining table It's not a throne room But it should have been a throne room Right Yeah I don't know if they're at the palace here specifically, but this is Richard Griffiths, the late Richard Griffiths's King George, did not

know he was slumming it in these movies. That's kind of said. One of his last roles, he passed away a couple years after this. Ah, that's a loss. Yeah, with Nell and I, right? Right, everybody? That's right, with Nail and I, indeed. Dude, he's excellent in that movie. And I think this is the best scene in the movie. And this is

where we, you know, Johnny Depp then tries to, instead, like, so the king offers him, like, I guess he would work with Barbarossa and he refuses and decides to make this huge distraction instead. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That's right. It's like I can't work with my former co-worker anymore. I refuse to do this instead I'm going to escape the office. But to Jordan's point, like he's like comically after these like cream puffs and stuff. It's very bugs-bunny-esque. It's not like in the first movie, it's all about booze, right?

And like in this one, it's like a little more family friendly. He wants like food. Like he's kind of like Alf in some way. You know what? I mean, like, I don't know. I'm going to eat a cat, savvy. Yeah, and this one, he's just like, he's stepping on the food. He's, like, running down the table, and then he swings on the chandelier, and there's, like, fruit on the chandelier for some reason. I don't know, like, I don't know if he brought it from the table, brought it for the chandelier, or there was just, like, fruit on the chandelier. And he just, like, swings up and takes a bite. Yeah, there was at least one piece of food that he, like, kicked up there by

mistake, I guess, but he goes back for it because all that lovable rogue. You need to have your blood sugar up if you're going to be doing comical pranks. So, you know, you're going to eat. Let me sure you're okay. But it's a decent fight here. It's just, you know, it's like a restrained sword

fight. There's no donkeys running through and there's no like interdimensional squid monster. So it kind of worked for me. Also, the chandelier. I'm a sucker for her. Oh, yeah. Swimming off a chandelier. I mean, because that's like very like tried and true element of an old pirate movie

which we never really get to see in these movies because they're never in a place that would have a chandelier like you said there should be a throne room so we get a little bit more opulence is what I'm looking for here guys sure but so before the breakout happens though barbosa does come in he's like hey you're going to team up with barbosa to do this barbosa by the way sporting a nice wooden leg in this movie is now peg leg barbosa you know he's up up

But this pirate game, I feel like that's like more of a thing, you know, like I just, that's an upgrade, I feel for him. Oh, absolutely. I mean, it's a real commitment to your bit. Like, I sort of look at getting a peg leg like that, like, folks who are really into like having like plugs in their ears and you get the gauges like bigger and bigger. And eventually it's like, I'm going to pass a point where I will not be able to reverse this. Let's do it.

So then you start doing your feet and then you get like a bigger and bigger foot. It's like the gate, there's a bigger gauges of feet. No, I'm not saying specifically for your leg, but it's just, it's a commitment to your look. Right. I do appreciate that this is a, it's an off-screen development for this character that's minor enough that it's acceptable to happen off-screen,

unlike last week with the murder of the crackin, which we never get to see. Yeah, I mean, but that's kind of the thing. It's like his thing is like he wants revenge for Blackbeard for doing this to him and yada, yada, yada, which we kind of get to eventually. the pearl. He took the pearl. The peg leg is like, we haven't seen it yet. That's a pirate thing. And then maybe we

had Blackbeard. That's a, that's a pirate thing. He's a no pirate. I will say, I don't know if I'm going to be alone here in any way, but Blackbeard, kind of one of the highlights of this movie. Oh, he's the best character. Ian McShane gives a shit, I think, at least. Because it's not the fourth fucking time he's been in a pirate movie. It's the first time he's been in a pirate movie. It's the first time he's been in a pirate movies. Of course the energy is there. Also, I think a guy like Ian McShane

born to play a pirate. I mean, just look at him. That's a natural pirate look right there. Yeah. But so, yeah, so the whole thing is the King George is like, all right, look, I heard rumors that the Spanish were also trying to find the fountain of youth.

And I will not be upstaged by any Spaniard. So you have to race back to the Caribbean and get the fountain of youth or get to the fountain of youth, you know, before the Spaniards do, because this is the kingdom of Britain and we are the absolute best at everything. Oh, by the way, did you see one of the Kings advisors here? Uh, Quiburn from Game of Thrones. Yeah, Anton Lesser. Oh, that's who that is.

Okay. It was one of those guys, like, he's like some stuff shirt in this movie and I'm like, that guy is something. Okay. Who? He was, uh, oh, my lord. Okay, so in Game of Thrones, Okay, it starts out with Robert Baratheon going on a big... Jordan, go to the bathroom now. I have never watched that show. Like, when my fiance watches it, I just leave the room and go watch something more than it. That's the move.

All right, Cliff notes. Quiburn was like the evil advisor to Circe towards the end of the series. He made the big Frankenstein monster. Yes. All right. Fair enough. Sir Robert Strong, but was it, it was still Gregor, but anyway, the book is different.

That's not as good as the other cameo, which is Judy Dench. Yes. Oh, man. In this carriage. So he escapes and there's a big high speed chase here and there. It is a high speed chase because we're on top of all of these carriages and stuff. But he at one point, yeah, like swings into a carriage.

And there's Dame Judy Dench, like I guess was on vacation near the set and was, you know, hip to participate. I don't understand why this. is here. I feel like she just wanted to be there, but also I would watch a pirate movie with Judy Denjo. It's kind of sad. I want to see her on a ship. Absolutely. I mean, there's so many characters in this franchise that start off not as pirates, but then later become pirates. And I think she would be doing an awesome job becoming a pirate. What if she was blackbeard? Oh my God. Well, yeah. I mean, she played that cat that was like original.

a dude, so why not? Oh, that's right. Oh, cats. Oh, yes. Old Deuteronomy. That's right. Oh, man. I said shivers down my spine. I guess she was just a fan of the franchise, kind of one of those things. Why not? Well, she should become like his backer, like, like James, like, James, like M for James Bond, but for Jack Sparrow. Okay. I can see that. She's keeping him organized and like on, on track. Come back dead, Jack. Come back dead. That is my prayer every time Jack Sparrow goes out on the high seas.

I want to see like a pirate cue, you know, that's just like, oh, it's a fucking rusty sword. When you turn it this way, it turns into also a rusty sword. Maybe, you know, because she won that Academy Award for Shakespeare and Love, and that was like three minutes of screen time or whatever. Maybe she thought she could do it again. Maybe she's been in a Rob Marshall movie. I'm not remembering.

she's not in Chicago she's not I don't think she's in nine there's oh she's the geisha in memoirs of a geisha oh she's the titular geisha she is not

uh jordane jordan mentioned into the woods which I thought was a fucking wretched movie could not stand it did not see it get that James Gordon off my movie screens oh speaking of cats

now I'm disgusted all over again. I have not seen cats yet. We're going to do a commentator. No. Have you not seen cats? I wanted to, but I'm holding it because we're going to do a commentary on Patreon and it's going to be my first time. I haven't seen any iteration.

I know nothing about it. People have been saying jellica or whatever. What is it? Jellicle. Jellicle. Jellicle cat. Yeah. And that just sounds like a fucking jello thing to me.

I don't know. So, yeah. So the big chase scene kind of comes to an end. There's a lot of like horses running through fake fire around here. Kind of a thing that really does add to the video gameness of everything is there is a ton of CGI in this movie. Like obviously all of these movies have CGI here and there. But I feel like this one specifically amps that a lot of the ships are way more CGI.

The budget was like $400 million, which is insane. This is the most expensive movie ever made. Which is just... I noticed it the most with the mermaid attack. because when the mermaids are just like flipping their tails and like landing on everything and just like attacking, they just look fake as fuck.

Yeah, it's so bad. So much of this is all of your big action scenes are at night. So you like, you know, cover up how bad this stuff looks. Like I don't know where this money was going. I didn't hear that the mermaids were attacking it. And I saw it and I was like, what's happening? What is that? The fuck's going on.

What is there's a zombie attack in the middle of this? We'll get there. But like they're like flying. They're like flying around. It's fucking weird. They're vampire mermaids. Exactly. Actually, we were, when we were watching the movie the other night, we were texting back

and forth. And I said, just do fucking Dracula. Fuck, fuck this mermaid shit. I'm telling you that was in the writer's room for sure. It was not a whiteboard, Dracula, question mark? Maybe. Okay. So, you know, like you start out in foggy old London town, maybe, you know,

Dracula is in dirt in a coffin on a ship going to the Caribbean because he likes to party, right? And Jack gets involved, et cetera. I can see it, man. I mean, you know, I think Dracula, you know, takes place like a hundred years after this movie. But so maybe he doesn't go to England right away to buy Carfax Abbey. First, he's going on vacation. Right, exactly. I'd love it.

Carfax Abbey? Did I hear that correctly? Carfax Abbey is the name of the name. of the house that he buys in London. He tells you the blue book value of your fucking Chevy. Thank you. So, yeah, the chase ends. He is hearing all of these rumors about, oh, Jack Sparrow is looking for a ship and looking

for a crew, and he's actually holding auditions to be part of his crew at this tavern. And so Sparrow realizes there's someone else who's using his identity, and he wants to get to the bottom of it. So he goes to this tavern where, right? outside he's about to be assassinated by a red coat but then that dude drops dead because thank god another keith richard's cameo in this movie and i have to say at least in this movie he acknowledges that he looks like complete shit that's true oh yeah because there's a line like oh do you think i've seen the fountain of you look at me yeah because he's like oh hey dad did you ever find the

fountain of you then he's like look at me do i look like i look like a fucking football that's been left in a pool for a long weekend. This movie reminds me a lot about something that I've always been curious about, which is like, why don't white guys ever wear sunscreen? I mean, this is the past, so of course they don't have it.

But when I look at Keith Richards, I'm just like, why doesn't he wear sunscreen? Like, it's made for you. White skin, just wear it. I learned that lesson the hard way. I went to Los Angeles years ago, and I was just like, No, I'm fine. And I became red as a lobster.

Ooh. See, if you don't use lotion, you can get your skin at a, like, a jerky type. And it just tastes better when you eat your own skin. Yeah. I see Keith Richards as an eater. Okay. That explains that. See, it's a very easy thing to figure out if you think about it.

So they're having a drink in the tavern. What were you going to say, Steve? Oh, no, this is when Penelope Cruz kind of shows. up in like Johnny Depp cosplay a little bit. And it's interesting because do you think this was any kind of commentary on like all of these Jack Sparrow people you saw, like as these movies got bigger, like Halloween costumes, street performers? I mean, because you, I have seen multiple Jack Sparrow cosplayers, like just out in the world.

Yeah. But we've seen multiple Jack Sparrows in the last movie as well. I mean, the big problem with this, like, it's a, it ends up being a reveal that, like, oh, it's Penelope Cruz or whatever, but it goes, the fight sequence goes on way too long, and the reveal would be more powerful if it's quick. Yeah. I don't know. That's my opinion.

Well, they kiss first, and it's like, he's kissing a dude and, like, you know, everything kind of shakes, and it's like, obviously. He kind of has, like, falling off at the time, too, by the way. He has a kind of funny line here that's, like, perfect for the character. after he kisses her I mean she's still got like the fake mustache on and everything and he goes oh I've always wanted to do that and I was like yes of course

Jack Sparrow is the guy who dreams of making out with himself like absolutely he wants to do that one of my biggest pet peeves and we've discussed it a hundred times on this on the show is what I've seen the poster I know Penelope Cruz is in this movie and you like see your eye and then they're like

no you don't know who it is who possibly could it be could be Ian McShane Whoopi Goldberg It's like You know it's Penelope Cruz Just stop with this It makes the filmmaking Feel so like on track

Like just pre-thought This is like a 10 minute sword fight Yep And it's a 10 minute sword fight After like three minutes ago We finished a huge Like 10 to 15 minute escape scene It's reminiscent of that

Of the Orlando Bloom sword fight actually The whole Oh yeah And we're jumping on stuff Is that a reference to anything Because like everyone wanted them to kiss in that scene. Oh, maybe. The whole fan community.

Oh, that entirely could be possible. By the way, Cabin, do not tease me with your fantasy casting dude, because anything that would brighten up this franchise, the whoopster is definitely one of them. I could take it, yeah. You'd be high-press getting the wopster in these

movies, though. I would love a black actor in this movie that's not a cannibal or a monster or something. Because that's the only, we'll get into it, but that guy sucks so bad. guy who's zombie-fied? The guy who's like not Dijma Hansu?

Yeah, the whole zombie stuff that we're like finally getting around. I'm surprised it took them four movies to get into that whole thing. Like Ian McShane and Blackbeard would be cool, but they make him like this weird

magic guy and he's like a centobite really. He's like shooting ropes at people and like whipping people up with ropes and he's got a zon. He's got like crew of Jason Vorhe's things. Yeah, it's like a crew of, it's a zombie crew because it makes them more compliant

question mark. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I guess Jeffrey Dahmer would have been a great fucking come on. But yeah, I don't, I mean, and I don't know the legend of Blackbeard but the whole like he's controlling the ship like with his sword.

You've got to give me more on this enchanted sword. I know, like it's pretty obvious for the filming language that the sword's doing the action, but it's not, like, clear, like, I got this sword from a magic guy, and that's what happened. I need to, I need him to talk to the sword and, like, be it his, like, oh, Mary, we're going to go out on the seas again tonight. My sword, Mary. Mary. Mary. Sweet Mary. I do love, so Penelope Cruz, I think, is good in this movie, but her character sucks. Is that fair? Like, I think she does a good job, but, like,

And they set up like your classic Pirates of the Caribbean thing where they set up one character and then it's like oh here's a reveal I like the first one which is like just this like ex lover of Jack Sparrow's who was gonna be a Spanish nun

and then he you know he tempted her and yada yada yada and she's out for blood and it's like oh no she's actually just obsessed with her dad it's black beard it's her dad there's so much dad obsession in this franchise and I don't understand

you're a grown-ass woman your dad is old as hell why do you like I just the whole time I was just like does she want to fuck her dad I just don't understand what the issue is because it's like

the whole movie is like we need to save him from dying but like he's old as hell just let him die people didn't even live that long back then totally and like her whole motivation of like getting him to drink from the fountain of youth

is like so she can have more time with this guy. And it's like, what are you even talking about? Like, your dad is blackbeard, dude. I'm sorry. If your dad was fucking Adolf Hitler, would you want him to stick around? This guy's a mass murderer. He's my gay. More time to do what? There's good in Hitler. I can save him. That's a great question, though, Jorday. It's like, more time for what? Like, for piracy? Like, this guy's not common to a family gathering. No, she wants to see more people killed, more people burned up, More people like, oh, the rope stuff is fantastic. Maybe they want to go to like the first ice cream parlor, possibly.

That'd be fun, father-daughter event. Penelope Cruz is like, is like somebody writing like bitches, man. They like like their dads and they're like obsessed with their ex-boyfriends and they lie all the time. It's really the lying. Yeah, the desperation of lying about being pregnant for two seconds there. is kind of like, wait, what are you doing movie? Hang on a second. I want to say about that fight scene the two of them have, though.

There is a hilarious moment where Johnny Depp's trying to run up like some ramp and she's knocking all these barrels down like it's Donkey Kong. And he's getting fucking hit with all these barrels and trying to jump over them. Not too shabby. I had a good laugh over that. Is this the dozen rafters fight we've had in this? It's been a lot. There's been a lot.

I think we're getting tired of it, man. I think we're physically getting tired of seeing people fight in and around rafters. Doesn't that make it more interesting than the ground? Look, they're above the floor. Well, could you imagine doing that? That's like danger. Fights on a floor, whatever.

Flights in the rafters, look out. You took away the fucking donkey. That was my favorite part. Take away anything. Take away the goddamn rafters. Stephen Graham shows up here as one of the other pirates, like her number two kind of a thing.

Yes. He's kind of fun. Stephen Graham from Snatch and yeah, the Irishman. Oh, right. He is great in the Irishman, actually. And another Ian McShane classic Hellboy the remake. Who is he? Oh, he does the voice of that

monster in that movie, doesn't he? Yeah, he does. That stinks. Oh, the Big Beast? Yeah, oh, that sucks. I forgot about that. Yeah, so Keith Richards, I think, is the first one to make reference to there's this like ceremony or ritual they have to do involving the fountain youth

it's not just like we can't just go to the fountain of youth and have somebody like dip a cup in the water and drink from it oh no we've got to find two chalises we need the tear of a mermaid like come on everybody with collecting

tears the regular enticement of a fountain of youth is not convoluted enough Like we have to be in line with the rest of the movies where you have to have fucking seven McGuffins going. I'm just glad. I actually looked it up on Wikipedia and it's like there has to be two chalises.

One of them has a mermaid tear in it. The one who drinks the one with the mermaid tier is the person who gets eternal life and then the other person drinking it gets their life drained from them and brought into the person with the mermaid tear cop. I mean it's so confusing. So does that mean to drink from the fountain of youth

you need to kill someone in this? jealous drinking. Yeah. You got to be sipping from a cup innocently. And also torture a mermaid. Or I guess tell her a sad story. Cut an onion under her face. That's all you have to do.

Right. Let me get two vodka rocks. One with a mermaid's tier. One definitely not with a mermaid's tier. Oh, and please carefully mark which one is which. I really need to know. Dude, the whole thing with just collecting a tear, though. And also, I'm sorry, this is a franchise where I have seen fish people.

One of the villains was a big octopus-faced gentleman. We literally fell off the edge of the world in the last movie. But there was something about just the second my ear heard mermaid. I was like, no, come on. Oh, come on. That's a little too far with pirate lore for whatever reason. You get three at most. okay three mermaids that's fine

a battalion a fucking siege of god damn mermaids no that doesn't work there are so many characters that do not speak in this movie which also makes me feel like it's a video game like it's just like they're all just kind of there but they're like non-playable characters yeah they've got like the two sound bits

like meh da da da da da da da man yeah they do sound like that That's essentially it. I do. So what happens to Johnny Depp here? He gets knocked out and drafted on the Blackbeard ship. Yeah, he gets an arrow or a dart in his neck. And when he wakes up, he's a scrum tells him that he's on the Queen Anne's Revenge.

And this is Johnny Depp going, oh, Queen Anne's Revenge. I guess that means Blackbeard is in this movie audience. Queen Anne's Revenge sounds like a hell of a cake, doesn't it? Hmm. It sounds like something you'd, uh, be dealing with after some form of food poisoning, actually. Like, oh my God, last night I ate 40 British chicken wings. And I woke up with Queen Anne's Reefat.

Sorry, love, I kept me going to your bridal shower. I got the Queen Anne's Revenge. Flavors to curry last night, I made a Queen Anne's Repet. Don't drink the water in the UK. There's this pirate bar like downtown in New York called The Folly. and I went there for one of my birthdays and they had all these like weird drink names and now I kind of want to go back and see

if they have a queen's queen anne's revenge. I had a tapping the admiral and I do not remember anything that happened after like tapping the admiral too. Do you remember whether or not it was tasty though? It was delicious. Like I loved the drinks at that bar but yeah, I was so, actually like my fiance

I first proposed to me at that bar because we were so drunk and he was like 4 a.m. and he's like, you want to get married? Oh, I love it. Did you have to have that second conversation the next day of like, yeah, we do want to get married though, right?

Yes, no, it happened. Like, I had, I totally blacked out and then I woke up and then he was like, do you remember what we said last week? Anyway, if New York ever opens up, you should go to that. It's going to be my first stop. Did you remember what we said last night, Star Trek Marathon? Yes, but also.

Also, life-changing decision. Does that ring any bells? It would be really, that's what we're talking about. Yeah, Indian for dinner, yeah. It would be terrible if they kept on like ask if it was different things. Oh, you mean the time we talked about the New Yorker article? No, not that. Oh, the time we talked about going for Indian tomorrow?

No, not that. Keep going. So we're on Blackbeard ship. This is where we're told that the men have all been zombieified because all the like captured pirates are scrubbing the poop deck right now. And there's a guy going around yelling at everybody and whipping them. Yeah. I mean, this is another instance of seeing people scrub the poop deck.

And I'm thinking there's got to be a better place to go to the bathroom. Let me in there. I got the Queen Anne's Revenge again. Oh, I better get out of the dick! But this is also, they're like, oh, yes, a Blackbeard, aka Edward Teach, which was historically, I guess, his real name, Resurrection of the Dead.

And, you know, if you tell me that a character in a film is known as a Resurrection of the Dead, I better see that shit in the movie, not just the byproduct of it after the fact. C.GI. ropes, though. Well, that's the thing is that they showed it.

I'm CGI ropes. Right. They went for CGI ropes because if they showed some type of like dark arts ritual, be like, this is not a Disney movie anymore. I guess. It's witchcraft, dude. And around this time is where they introduce the Sam Claflin character, the missionary, which this movie is based on a book and they just basically like put Jack Sparrow and

Barbosa and some other people in it. And this guy is the protagonist of the book. Really? A coloring book? Yeah. No, I think it's a real book. I read that too.

Like they just took it. And they were like, oh, you know, we wanted to adapt it, but not adapted and piratify it a little bit. Then they just kind of like, yeah, like it's basically Roger Rabbit where they're next to all these other characters. It would actually make sense to like make this missionary the main character. and he like gets entangled in a wacky adventure with side character Jack Sparrow

and then you actually have a protagonist with a point of view. Yeah, that's sort of what, you know, Curse the Black Pearl starts as. Is it's like the, you know, we talked about this. It's sort of like the Orlando Bloom show a little bit and then it skyrocketed into the Jack Sparrow show. And I will say Sam Claflin is a step up from Orlando Bloom,

at least in the acting department. The character is kind of, falls off a cliff like narratively but at least like when he's saying words I believe them a little bit that's fair but like I just don't care about this storyline whatsoever like because the movie doesn't give you a reason to no why would so like him being good I'm just like okay well yeah and I mean like it's like he's a Christian missionary so I guess the narrative idea is that like Blackbeard is evil and he is good and it's like good like clashing with evil except that They're not even, they're not even, like, punching the same weight.

Like, it's Ian McShane and it's, like, this fucking guy. Yeah. He doesn't stand a chance, like, clearly against Blackfield. Like, and I like Sam Claflin. I think he's a really good actor. He's great in the Nightingale. Yes. That is a rough movie, but he is very good in it.

Obviously, intentionally rough, by the way. But then, like, the exact opposite of that, I'm pretty sure this was Sam Claifengel. There's that new Netflix romantic comedy that came out. Is Claflin the guy in that? It's a brother is at his sister's wedding and then like other people attend and it's kind of like a wacky wedding farce. Has anyone seen this?

Oh, I thought that was terrible. Yes, love wedding repeat. Yes, there it is. One of the most unfortunately structured things I've ever seen because like it starts as a fairly decent wacky comedy and I don't want to spoil the twist for other people actually no if you read the Netflix thing

it tells you the movie just stops and it's like boy that's a bummer wouldn't it be crazy if this happened instead and the movie rewinds itself and then it just plays live die repeat with Tom Cruise honestly that's what it is it's live die romantic comedy repeat basically and I think actually

oh no that's what it is the tie here that my brain was making. It's not Judy Dench doing the narration, but it's a woman who happens to be Judy Dench's lifelong personal assistant that also sounds exactly like her

doing this narration. Very confusing. She does all the voiceover the James Bond games is what you're saying. Dude, honestly, it's entirely possible. She sounds uncannily like Judy Dench. Very weird. Judy Bench. Yes, it was. They hired Judy Bench

with a Y instead of an I. yeah so like we meet all of his crew we also meet this guy named the quartermaster who has prophesied Blackbeard's death in a couple of weeks the quartermaster looks like an evil Howie Mandel anybody else get that I did not but now that you said that I'm going to have to go back

and look at this guy is this the guy that play is this the actual Jason Voorhees Derek Mirar oh was he Jason Voorhees in the remake. Yeah, he was in the 2009. He was also the guy who played Swamp Thing in the DC show there.

Got it. Yeah, he looks, I mean, at least this movie looks an awful lot like Harry Mandel. A deal or no dealer. Do you put a glove on his head? People more literate than myself. Is this guy not sort of like a weird like pseudo-Moby-Dick reference?

Because isn't there a guy in Moby Dick that has a sort of prophecy about Ahab's death Well there's a couple references Like he won't They say he won't go out of his cabin And that's what Ahab doesn't come out of his cabin You know but I'm saying the quartermaster guy specifically

Because he can see the future I think that's maybe Quiguehug a little bit No it's the one that's 100 F my wife knew it It's like Finney or something like that It starts with an F I forget But she she knew it right off the bat These are Moby Dick characters

Yes Yeah It doesn't matter But it is a reference Andrew, Sof knew it right off the bat. Oh, okay, cool. So I'm not totally off base with that thought. Of all of Moby Dick that I've read,

which is to say, once they start those like 200 pages on the history of whaling, I put the book away forever. All right, I'm sorry. I just Googled Moby Dick characters. And you know how Google does that thing for you? It's like, oh, okay, we'll get you all these character pages on top of the results. Oh, yeah. So it's Captain Aham, Ishma, Quikwag, Moby Dick, Father Mabel.

Starbucks stub. Captain Boomer, by the way. It sounds like a guy that's going to send back coffee. Actually, Yosemite Sam. Like, literally, and it's the cartoon, I would have taken a screenshot of it. I can't handle it. It's so

fucking funny. It's Yosemite Sam. So it's all literary characters from the same book, and then the Warner Brothers character, Yosemite Sam. Yes, exactly. Excellent. Good to know. So, yeah, so the whole thing is,

Yeah, this guy has prophesized that in a fortnight Blackbeard is going to be murdered by a man with one leg. Gee, who could that be? I wonder. The movie does no effort whatsoever to try to like make that a mystery at all.

I'll tell you what. I swore they were going to throw like, I was like, that's too stupid. Of course everybody knows who that is. So I thought they were going to switch it and the mermaid was going to kill and just as like one appendage down there. Like the fin is one leg.

I kind of thought that was going to happen, but no, it's exactly what you think of it. That's right. Yeah. So Johnny Depp's like, hey, this is kind of weird. No one has seen Blackbeard. He doesn't come out of his quarters, this and the other thing. He must not be on the ship. Let's start a mutiny. Penelope Cruz is obviously lying to all of you guys. So we have another fight scene here in the middle of the night. So you can't see anything, not a detail to be had. And then it is kind of a good. great thing where Johnny Depp's got some line about like, you know, well, we did it. The ship is ours and the door opens. Kind of a decent entrance for Blackbeard in the movie. Also interesting to note that the zombie characters

don't actually die. They have to be like tied to the masts and stuff. That's well Sam Claflin's also tied to the mask. They're like, oh, we got this Bible thumper on board. What are we going to do with this guy? Leave him way the hell up near the crow's nest. And that's the introduction of this character.

He's like 60 yards away. You can't even see. you can't hear him and like that guy is really important why not just introduce him have him be brought up in a fucking fishing net or something yeah or shipwreck there were some cool shipwrecks in those other movies a lot of cool shipwrecks well did they say how they stumbled across him like at all no i didn't even know why he was on the ship and then the wikipedia um summary was just like oh he's a prisoner a prisoner for what being Christian because obviously Blackbeard worships the devil

yeah it is kind of late in the game in a franchise to bring the Christian God into it I'll be honest with you like we have not done that before nor should we do that going forward you know what I mean like we have like the underworld and shit so like okay we have the underworld we have purgatory is there a heaven does heaven work with that I don't know

There's pirate heaven and pirate hell only in this. Exactly. Different from heaven and hell themselves. Davy Jones is not like going to church. You know what I mean? Like that's right. Motherfunkers is not letting, not getting into the Catholic church. Davy Jones is not checking in with Jesus Christ during this whole thing.

Well, yes. I guess I, St. Peter, will let the kraken into heaven. Oh, yes. All crackens go to heaven. That's a movie I want. We're going to need a bigger. cloud. This guy's

big. Thank you. Thank you. So St. Crackin, the saint of lost things and enormous fucking squids.

H.B.I. to you. And you is well. And now before our service, we consumed the blood in the body of the Crackin representative

this wine. You're drinking squid, ink. Why is it? No one worshipping the Cracken. Oh, the Cracken is dead, right? Yeah. Oh. Well, so's Jesus. We worship that guy. This is true. Yeah. The Cracken died for our sins. Honestly.

Somebody needs to make a bullshit story about him coming back. Then you're okay. Oh, right. Well, you know what? I would love if they stumble in one of these movies across like a tiny little island and it's just like two totally sun-poisoned shipwrecked pirates and they've decided that they're just worshipping the Cracken. It would be pretty awesome. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If Tom Hanks and Castaway just worshipped a Cracken instead of having the friend that's the ball,

I'd be so into that. That sounds great. That's why you looked at that buffet so weirdly when he got back to land and there was like those giant crab legs and stuff and he's all like withered and he looks at them. Remember that scene? He sees Colomar and he's like, that's of my God. I cannot see that. That is of my god.

Does he go to an all-you-can-eat buffet at the end of that movie? When he's rescued, there's like food, and I believe he looks at something weird. Castaway is a weird movie because I saw it what, I saw it, I was, I planned on seeing it once. And then the theater had a fire alarm go off right when the plane's going down. So I'm like, fuck yeah, this sound rules. And then I had to go see it again because I didn't see the ending. So I saw it once and a half, I guess. but I believe he does look at a buffet table of some sort.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's what I did after the movie. When he's going to meet Helen Hunt at the end, they have a nice spread there for him. I see. Gotcha, gotcha, got you. And I think it's supposed to like, oh, look at the opulence and I've been living, eating dirt. Yeah.

Gotcha. So Blackbeard's like, all right, well, look, someone's got to be blamed for this mutiny. And if it's not going to be you, Jack Sparrow, because I need you for this stupid plan that we're going on. Let's just kill this cook. And I got to tell you, the execution of this man far outweighs any walking the plank

or being left on an island with, you know, one shot in a gun. This dude is put out in a dinghy and it's like you have five minutes to row as far as you can. And then whoops, this haunted ship also breathes fire like a dragon. I have to say, did not see that coming. Why waste a boat? Yeah, that's a good point. Also, like, man, I want to know the fucking magic cylinders that makes this work.

Why isn't the queen Anne's revenge not burning? Well, you kind of expect the end of this movie to have like, this thing's coming back, right? Like, that's what you have to defeat is the ship with fire or something, you know? Yeah, the ship that can be controlled, you know, from land by a sword. It becomes a wooden dragon and starts talking. I'll be honest, when this ship starts going, I didn't see the fire coming either. I honestly thought this ship was about to eat this man. I thought the mouth was going to open up and it was going to go into it like the mortal engines.

What is it like, Trachosaurus? Yeah, something like that. I was just like, what could this possibly be? Are you just going to run him over? There's also something about when Blackbeard comes out, A, first of all, only one character's allowed to have beard dreads. And that's Johnny Debt. You can't start doing Blackbeard beard dreads as well. It's silly.

Oh, it's the style at the time. I really want to know how these dreads are created. Yes. Or do we? Because I feel the answer might be unsettling. Well, when white people wear dreads now, they just like don't wash their hair. That's a, yeah. We as a people have to stop doing that.

It's not great. But yeah, you're right. The answer is to just not wash. That's what it is. Yeah. But when he comes out and like the ropes start moving around, it just feels very Disney. It feels like someone's going to start singing.

It really does. Yeah. Well, there's a moment in the movie. I mean, because this is also, dude, it's Rob Marshall. So, you know, anything can happen. The scene where Jack Sparrow and Penelope Cruz's character, Angelica, I think the name is, they're like

scrum is playing the guitar or something and they're like almost dancing and I was like is there about to be a dance number in this Pirates of the Caribbean movie because unacceptable not the time of the place for this it would make sense for Marshall my boy

no I know that's what I'm saying yeah that's kind of the next movie where she reveals that she's Blackbeard's daughter and that's all she cares about is her dad not about anything else that about any pirating or revenge it's really just about getting my dad, like my dad's got cancer and this is the only way to get rid of it

or whatever the fuck. I guess. And so Sparrow gets an audience with Blackbeard and he's like, hey man, that lady's lying to you. She's not your daughter. You know, this whole thing. All the while Blackbeard is just like casually constructing this Jack Sparrow voodoo doll

like right in front of him. If I saw that, I'd be like, hey man, are you making a voodoo doll in me right now? Could you like not do that during this? meeting? I don't understand Jack's hole, like, she's lying to you thing. He spends this entire movie talking about how much she lies and how deceitful she is, and yes, she is, but why would she lie about who her dad is?

And also, wouldn't her dad know who his daughter is? I don't get it. Is she a witch? It's a great question, because, I mean, none of it, like, they keep saying that she's a liar, but, like, you don't see her lie, and it just makes you not sure. who the character is. You know what I mean? Like, when you're waiting for a twist, it doesn't actually come, I guess. He says that she's

pure evil. And I'm just like, we've met a lot of characters that are evil. She's just annoying. I mean, there's so many reversals in this movie. Like, literally, like, we're talking all about the Blackbeard stuff. Over on Barbarossa's ship.

Fucking, they... Over on Mr. Crabsish. They, they're about to... they see the Spanish Armada, I guess. Yeah. And they're passing. They're like, all right, get ready. And the music goes up and like, where are we ready to fight?

That's not. Let's not fight at all. How about that? I think that's not fight. The Spanish ignore them. And I guess it's like, oh, that means the fountain of youth is so important. We must also pursue. There's just, I don't know.

There's like all this talk with Barbosa about like, are we not the king's men? We are representing the king. And I just don't. you're representing that weird man who just like, I don't know, Richard Griffiths in this movie looks almost like a demonic being in the time that he's in. And I'm just like, I don't understand what, where does all this pride come from?

Also, how are all of these soldiers on this one ship? Like, it's so full. Like, where do they see? Just right where they're standing. How does this thing move? How does that sink? It's got a whole armada on this fucking one ship. This is the first movie

a part of the Kingsman franchise. Oh, yeah. You know, this is where it starts. Barbarossa founding Kingsman. I actually thought it was interesting to see Barbarossa with a crew that, I don't know, I guess not competent but capable. Like, they're like doing the ropes really fast and well.

No one's doing pratfalls and getting drunk. Well, because they're actual, like, naval people. Yeah. You know, it's funny. Right after this movie ended, I was like, God, I'm going to wash this out of my mouth. And I watched Master and Commander. Oh, I've never seen it, actually. It's good.

You know what? It was my first time last night, which is, I, like, I've been meaning to watch it for, like, ever. And I finally was like, no, you're watching these many fucking pirates movies. You can watch that. It was great. It's fucking great. Is that just, it's like Navy stuff, though? Are they fighting pirates in that movie?

No, it's, um, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, Russell Crow as a British captain against a friendship along South America and they kind of like briefly encounter each other and try to light each other up. It's kind of, it's very, the visuals are really nice. It's made, it's Peter Weir. It looks incredible.

I mean, the friendship is almost a ghost ship in the beginning. Like, it hides really easily, but no, it's just, it's pretty normal. It's got those eerie moments and it's got like those real moments where like everyone's just full of splinters and bleeding to death. The instant I can't find. and stuff. And, like, going to islands and just doing science experiments. It's a great movie.

We're going too long, but it's amazing. Barbosa drafts Gibbs because Gibbs destroys the map from the last movie. It's like, it's all in me head now. And it's like, okay. Yeah, that's... All right. So, Gibbs is now on that ship serving the Royal Navy to find

the Fountain of Youth. Yeah. Let's get to Mermaid Island because that just fucking just... Exactly. Yeah. Because Blackbeard is We need a mermaids tier. So we're going to capture a mermaid and they get to this island

where all the mermaids are known to be. They put Stephen Graham, the priest, and a couple other people out of boat and be like, you guys are bait. And that's kind of how it's going to go. The name of the place is White Cap Bay, which sounds like a retirement community. It definitely does.

It definitely does. Yeah, we sail to White Cap Bay for the Early Bird Special. It's seriously, it's like it's either a retirement community cabin. I think you're right on about that. Or it's like a bad beach bar in like Myrtle Beach, South Carolina or something like, oh yeah, come on down to White Cap Bay. We get frozen margaritas this week. You can see an alligator in the back. Like a fake dive bar.

Oh yeah. These bars, nothing but Jimmy Buffett playing at them. Absolutely. That cheeseburger is in paradise. Let's not forget that. It's dangerously undercooked, but it's in paradise. The question is, I never really thought about those lyrics so much. Is this, did the cheeseburger go to heaven? Is it a cheeseburger paradise for me? I think you're getting a cheeseburger in paradise. I think they saved the cheeseburger from Davy Jones's locker.

Got it. And then it views the world once it gets back to it as paradise. I thought the song was about like heaven opened a McDonald's. Yeah. You could get a cheeseburger. No idea what y'all are talking about. Oh, you know what? You're way better for it. The recording artist Jimmy Buffett has a song called Cheeseburger and Paradise.

It's in a big, put it in a box in your mind palace called Boomer Nonsense. Yeah, it's very much that. It's like Florida's like an icon, essentially. The other year I went to Key West and there was tons of it down there. But you also see like people in like a Hawaiian shirt that has like Blue Lives Matter on it somehow. Like, yeah, okay. It's fine. So we are out on this little dingy

and they tell tale of what, you know, the mermaid legend is, which is, you know, sailors hear the siren song and they go to try to get with these what they believe to be pretty ladies and they're actually these monsters called mermaids and they drag a man.

And this is the way I understand it from the way the story is told. They drag a man down to the bottom of the ocean to leave him to die. And while dragging him down there, also have sex with them. No. No? No, this is the, well, this is the legend that they're told here is that they take them.

Yeah. They bring them down. They drown them and then they consume them. Oh. They're eating them. Because at some point somebody says, like, oh, they're going to eat you to the bone, matey. Oh, because there is a joke right there about like, yeah, you're actually, you're right, Kevin. Because there's some, like, bad joke about the guy says, like, yeah, they pull you down.

They drown you and then they eat you. Or sometimes they start eating you before you've drowned. Oh, man. I would fucking go straight. Hangs, which... Yes. I've never seen mermaid monsters like, like, yeah, it's like... Yes, they're hissing and shit.

It's so strange. Don't they have, like, seaweed webs they shoot at you, too? Yeah. I don't know what this Spider-Man shit is, dude. I don't get it. I don't know. Well, it is your classic woman-hating thing where it's like, yeah, either the woman is obsessed whether her dad or a liar and a monster or literally a monster like a succubus or

you know what I mean like that kind of a thing. You know pretty ladies are trying to destroy you. I mean that's just they're there for this legend's kind of like from like the sirens and stuff of Greek mythology. It's like if you didn't sing that fucking sexy song, I wouldn't have crashed my fucking boat. Yeah, yeah, it's definitely the sirens. But I also read that like the whole like myth of mermaids is because drunk, would look out and see manatees and just, like, imagine them as pretty ladies.

Yep. Yeah, which is, wow, the pirate life, huh? That's, you know, that's the character. I want Gibbs getting a third base with a manatee, like a full-on actual manatee. He just got to a seat of heavy petting between Daddy Gibbs and a manatee. All right, Captain Jack, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Bertha. Boy, mate, that's, uh, that ain't no woman, mate. I'm going to get on Red bubble after this

and make a shirt that says Daddy Gives. I mean, if I was a mermaid, I'd be going straight for him because that's some roast beef I'm going to be having for dinner. That is true. That is a good cut. Yeah, so the mermaids show up. They seduce Stephen Graham. He falls in love. And then this is where the crazy mermaid assault happens.

There's a million of them. We are blowing up like barrels of like gunpowder with these mermaids, like trying to attack them and everything. There is a lighthouse, but Robert Pattinson is not fiercely masturbating inside of it. But there is a lighthouse of the film with the mermaid. This was cool. This like old-timey lighthouse, like powered by whale oil, like kind of cool. Yeah, it's an interesting set.

Because I guess that's another part of the lore is that the mermaids are lured to man-made light, I guess is the idea. So that's why they like this thing when they get there. Yeah, so big mermaid attack here. It's all underwater in the middle of the night so you can't see shit. If I go through this, if I'm a missionary who has three lines of dialogue in this movie and is supposedly a main character, if I'm that guy and I see a mermaid, I'm throwing my Bible right in the trash. Like, I'm like, you know what, dude?

Whatever this book has to offer me is not true because I just saw a fucking mermaid, man. And that is the actual like sane grounded reaction to that, Steve. It's the same thing like whenever it is, when the day comes that we realize, there's aliens out there. Adios Jesus. Like that's, you know, nothing, right? But in this movie, like, they would bend over backwards to be like, well, Jesus was an alien. Or well, Jesus was a mermaid. Yeah. No, no, no.

You're totally right. But the thing that Sam Claflin says later in the movie is the most ridiculous Bible thumping thing ever. He's like coddling this mermaid that he's like in love with. And he's like, oh, yes, it's you. One of the creatures that was not seen fit to be on the Ark and I was like what are you talking about with the Ark right now dude Noah's Ark

should not be mentioned in a Pirates of the Caribbean movie a really serious Christian like this guy a guy who's devoted his entire life he sees a mermaid

he's like unholy creature sets it of fire and chops it up that's it we're set in sale for Noah's Ark love

you can steal Moses's stone tablets are stored there oh that can be Pirates six dude Pirates Six Dead Sea Scrolls. We're going to sell them to the Vatican. But, I mean, I got two books in from me.

One is the Bible that doesn't have mermaids in it. And one is the Odyssey that does have mermaids in it. Well, I guess I'm worshipping Zeus now. We're going all the way back. I'm worshipping Poseidon, Zeus, the whole gang. The old gods might have been the right ones. Entirely possible. And I don't know why we're saying it should take a mermaid to do this to this guy.

like, dude, if you're on a boat and some pirate waves a sword and then all of a sudden all of these ghost ropes start attacking people? Sure. I don't know. Any evidence of the paranormal like that the Bible's going out to see. I'm sorry.

Any shred. Just any shred of paranormal evidence, dude. Yeah, exactly. Shadow move on its own. Is that a ghost? I'll throw this Bible out to be sure. It's true when you point out that all their shit is bullshit now, they just stop.

I do love So they put Sirena is this lady's this character they put her in a cool glass coffin

uh yeah carry around a little bit it's the good like Lennon go yeah Lennon had one

of those so did James Brown hold on a second was Lennon a mermaid probably or a merman yeah he was also deemed unfit to ride

the arc man if we had two Lennins that'd be something two of every Lennon. Yeah, two Vladimir Lenin's having sex on the ark after the flood.

I only have these legs on Lend. That's why you never saw pictures of Lennon swimming. Very true. That's why. So, yeah, they capture the one mermaid. Jack blows up the lighthouse. There's a bad joke right here,

which is a joke that I feel is a little not for the time period when he's like, did everybody see me do that? Because I am not doing that again. And I was like, that's a Looney Tunes joke. That was a trailer line. That's the only line I remember specifically from the trailer. Did you see this in theaters, Chris?

Because you're a movie guy. I did. I know you did. You went to the theater and saw this movie? I pressed screening, excuse me, but still a waste of time. I don't think I saw it in the theater, but I definitely saw this at some point before this, I believe. Once, maybe when it came

out of video or something. Telling. Also, isn't there something where like some of the mermaids are also attacking Barbosa's ship like off in the distance? They make some reference to that. When he arrives, him and the two officers that are with them, you know,

dinkle one and dinkle two. Yeah. They come up and then they sit they're like, what's that sound? And they turn around. And there's a bunch of nothings attacking the ship in the distance. You can just see a bunch of nothings throwing themselves on the ship. It's like, I only hear quails or seagulls or whatever. And the guy's like, okay, I guess that.

All right, so we're not going to go assist. Right, yeah, we're not going back to that ship, is the idea. Is this when Blackbeard really starts to try to make this mermaid cry? Is that what the idea is? And he wants, he's got his little special jar for the tears. And he's like, yeah, put on the last 20 minutes of Star Trek, Rathaghan. We're going to make her cry. And here it is to get this tear from Ye Mermaid, an ASPCA commercial.

Look at all these sad dogs, Mermaid. Get ye to a dead dog movie. Yarr, it's the Buffy the Vampire. Look at that mermaid. She came home and Joyce was lying there dead. That will do it. That does it to me every time. Oh, we're going to watch First Reformed Yard.

Would you like to see Hank die again? In the arms of the angels. I mean, the whole notion of like we have to capture this tear and then we're going to put it in a little jar as if like the natural biological effect of evaporation doesn't happen. What are you talking about? also like, dude, like take five tiers. You know what I mean?

I want to have a couple. Yes, yes. 100%. Oh, my God. I fucking lost it. Right, Chris? Cut their eyes out. I fucking hated this.

They just, you have this little like, uh, I don't know what. It's like a test tube almost. Yeah, it does look like a beaker or something. Yeah. And like, uh, yeah, I will just come right out. It won't like stick to the sides or nothing and like come out as a half a tear. I mean, what will that get me? Like, 20 years.

Like that's a great point. what counts as a measurement of a tear, you know? A drop. Yeah, well, small drop or big drop? Because Chris points out there could be a small drop situation. I'm saying, just go there, get her over like a cutting board and just get a bunch of onions and just keep on doing it until you got a gallon. A gallon of tears, my God. You'll be there all months.

Just be, no, no, you wouldn't. Come on. What? Crying from onions, you get tears. A gallon. Yeah, that is a lot, but. This tear is,

it's stupid for that reason, but it's also stupid because, like, this actress, who I believe is just, like, a model. Yeah. She, what kind of, like,

emotional investment could she have? I mean, they give her this love story, which is kind of ridiculous, but, like, who, how do you make a mermaid cry?

Like, what is the precedent for that? it's a great question and like what she finally cries because of what something with Claflin? Because he loves her and that makes that moves her because she's like oh I've never been loved by somebody

or something right? They have that right? Yeah you just met you know that love and lust. Yeah, pump the brakes a little bit they saw he saw a fish he could fuck that's the whole thing. You've said a total of three words to each other

there's a ridiculous thing where he's helping her walk. Like she, she's on, like the, the glass casket breaks at one point. Legitimate laughs. It's a good pratfall. It's, it's hilarious. It just feels like when you're moving and you're like, oh, fuck, we dropped it. You know what I mean? Like, it's, you're carrying a big heavy coffin, dude, and you slip in the mud like that. Uh, definitely almost happened to me when I was a pallbearer for my grandfather's second wife. Uh, almost fell in the cemetery. Well, I'm glad you didn't. Yes. that would have been a problem I think

I dropped the only thing in our house was this painting that is behind glass it's a photograph that I bought from my job was offering it yetta yada yada and I'm taking that we're moving my last like be careful with it I got it dropped and it's just broke

was the photograph destroyed no it's just being reframed but then that place closed because of COVID and I think they might have they might have made it off with that I don't know what's going to happen to it now they have your haunted photograph do exactly oh so that's why you're starting to age now.

Blyflin has some ridiculous thing where Blackbeard is like, yeah, and another thing about this monster, and he's like, she has a name. And he's like, oh, okay, what is the name? What's your name? What's your name? I just made a big fucking thing about it. Their love story is just the most, oh my God, I hate that shit. Like, I just, there's just a beautiful tiny, there's a beautiful skinny woman in my vicinity.

I have to fall in love with her. And it's just this weird thing where it's like she doesn't know anything of the world, really? So it's just like they're not even... It's like having a daughter that you want to fuck. I don't know.

Yeah, exactly. She's too innocent. Yeah, they're just like, even better. Even better. Oh, she doesn't know anything. Like, the mermaids are shown to be evil, but they're not, I mean, but all they really know how to do

is like one thing, which is just like attack them. Like, I feel like there's nothing else. at least she doesn't really give any she doesn't say anything she doesn't have any knowledge she doesn't have any feelings it's just this man just like projecting on her it's like that like when like mopey felt that he was dating natalie portman it's weird man what a mistake that was moby humiliating things that's i i feel like it had to have been on purpose it was so absolutely humiliating to be like well you know when i was dating natalie portman for a time she's like absolutely not i have

emails that said I didn't date this guy. Although... How do we know that she's not going to... This mermaid is not just going to kill him like as soon as like, oh, we're moving into our house together. Here's her... Exactly. I will say that putting your girlfriend

in a casket of water does sound like a Moby move, though. It's not like something he'd be into. If they get married, does it have to be a mermaid ceremony or a Christian ceremony? I think it's two. you got to do two things to make both sides of the families happy

you know everybody's got to fucking bend over backwards for this mermaid and dude wedding mom this family drowned the mermaid her family eats his family yeah that's how that works okay well the only guests on her side are like

you know a couple of other mermaids a crab with a West Indian accent and a yellow and blue puffer fish they were the only people to RSVP mom, dad, I would like you to meet mermaids, other mermaid. Our son just had to have a destination wedding. Book passage on a fucking boat.

I don't know, like the last-ish parts of this movie, like they get the mermaid tier, which is great. It is great. It's a big achievement for the movie. They tie her up like a dog and like pretty much. take her out of the movie almost entirely when they do. And Claflin's almost out of the movie at that point as well.

Like, you know, this thing doesn't matter to the movie, the whole mermaid thing. It doesn't. Almost characters. Yes, exactly. But, but we now, nah. We should, we should say that Johnny Deppin meets, is

forced to go off on his own through a very long series of things about jumping off a cliff. The cliff jumping thing, let me, let me address this for a second. what this reminded me of is, like, Steve, you can attest to this. Jordane, I don't know if you ever done any improv.

Do you ever do any, like, UCB or Magnet? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you'll understand this, too. This scene reminds me of, like, when you're in an improv scene with somebody and they're rejecting what you're throwing out for the scene and they're stonewalling you because it's like, okay, so now you have to jump off the cliff.

And then as the bad improv scene partner, he's like, no, I'm not going to do that. Find something else. Tell me to do something. I'm not going to jump off that. And I'm like, excuse me, this is a two hour and 19 minute movie. Will someone jump off this cliff already? There's like 75 reversals in three minutes in this scene. Like, oh, Penelope Cruz is going to do it. Okay, I'm going to do it. No, I can't do it. You can't do it. Okay, I'm doing it. And then when he finally does it, he does this whole like scream thing. And it just made me realize that I hate Johnny Depp's scream. It's a bad scream. You're

realized too because in in that moment I was like I don't know if I've ever heard him scream before like and you're like you're doing the pirates movies just put in a Wilhelm scream I'd be cool with that and it's a weird thing where I don't know if it's an intentional audio gag

because he says to the quartermaster he's like hey man you can tell the future will I die if I jump off this cliff and the guy throws the voodoo doll off the cliff and Johnny Depp screams like in that moment and then it's the exact same sounding scream when he jumps off the cliff and I was like,

did they just double that? Probably. Wouldn't he drowned in air? What? Throw his voodoo doll in the water. Oh, yeah. I don't know how that works. I don't know what's fucking doing that. I don't think you can drown a voodoo doll. I guess that's what we learn in this movie. I guess maybe it landed on the back.

We should. Oh, maybe. Yeah. We should talk about Penelby Cruz's outfit when she comes to land and she's wearing this hat. And it's like, it's very much like rich lady at a costume party. kind of a thing. She's like, I'm a sexy pirate. And it's like, it doesn't fit with anything. I mean, like, she looks great because she's been all of a cruise, but like, it doesn't work. You know why, Steve? Well, I was going to, yeah, I get pilgrim hat. It kind of looks, it's a little

too close to a cowboy hat. It is, yes. And you're like, this is, and it, Halloween costume is the exact right way to put it, Steve, because it's like, when you just decide on a Halloween costume at some point, you're like, you know what? Close enough. Like, she was at the costume store and she's like, I need a fucking pirate hat. And the guy's like, well, you could take this cowboy hat and put a feather in it. Like, close enough, there's my Halloween costume for this movie. Look, a lady, all I got is like sexy Amish hat.

Is that, uh, does that work for you? You could fold one of the brims up, make it look like a dingo kind of hat. I don't know. Put a feather in it. I don't know. You know, Halloween's only one night, right? It doesn't matter much. I do. So yeah, he meets up with Barbosa. They go on Ponce de Leon's ship. He's a Skellington. That's kind of fun. It is kind of fun. I mean, this is one of those things where I wanted, I wanted them to like free this ship. Like it would be cool to see the ship like slide down the mountain. But instead it's kind of just, it's not the exact same thing. But because it's balanced on like a like a rocky point or whatever, Barbosa and Sparrow have to like.

like run back and forth to keep it balanced. And it's just like in the last movie where they're running like back and forth across the deck to flip the ship. Right. Yeah. It's just reminded me the same exact physicality almost. Yeah. And I mean, you might as well be like while this is happening.

I read on Wikipedia that there is a moment in this scene. You get Poncdily on the skeleton with the spy glass and apparently this is a nod to there's a skeleton with a spy glass on the rise. We haven't talked about the ride that much on this show

because we've never done it. So apparently that that's another little little nugget for you. Jordan, are you a Disney ride person? Disney ride people exist who know all about the rides. Yeah, no, I know, well, I know a lot of YouTubers and there are a lot of YouTubers whose whole thing is like, we go to Disney and we ride the rides and we review the ride. So I'm aware, but no, I don't.

I've been to Six Flags. Exactly, because we're not millionaires. These commenters on the internet. saying, why don't you ride the rides? I will say, Jordane, it's interesting that you brought up those YouTubers because this past Saturday, uh, I got really high and watched a large portion of, not the entire thing, a large portion of an over three hour YouTube video where a guy

just took like a, like a GoPro and just walked through Disney World and like went on rides. And so I have, vicariously through this dude. Holy shit. In 4K 60 frames per second, now gone through some of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. I did not know it was on bootleg. I will have to check that out. I will have to live through this gentleman.

It's kind of funny because my wife said exactly what Jordane said. I mean, there are like Disney internet people out there. And you watch these. And it's honestly, in the moment, it was kind of fascinating because it was like, oh, it's in really high HD. It's kind of like I'm outside. So we wound up watching a lot of it. But it was more recent enough where there is the Jack Sparrow puppet on the ride.

And it's just him. He's like got a glass and he's like more, blah, blah, blah. It like doesn't even sound like Johnny Depp. Like it was all like garbled and shit. But he is in that ride. And it appears to be a pretty boring ride. Seems like that. He's like a drinking ride.

Was he accosted by Disney security at the end of the video? Like just like a fucking 15 minutes of him getting his ass kicked. Disney security. torturing him. Yeah, we didn't get that far, but I should go back and see if that dude was sentenced to Disney death. A hanging. Yeah, so they

have to infiltrate the Spanish camp that has the two chalises. This takes a while. They find the case for the chalises and Poncelion ship and, oh, it's empty, it's a full rocks. Why did these Spanish naval officers

decide to pull a Raiders of the Lost Ark with this? Like, just take the chalices. Why did they replace the chalises with two rocks? I haven't found these rocks in my pocket. Why not? There you go.

Yeah, the closest thing to rationale I could come up with is like, oh, so the boat doesn't keep rocking when we leave. Oh, sure. I guess that doesn't really make sense because it's two rocks in a box. Yeah, I don't know. But so they get those, uh, the two chalises

through some more like wacky shenanigans of stealing them. This is around where Barbosa you know, admits his true motivation here, which is he doesn't give a shit about the King's Navy. He's just doing this so obviously he can get to Blackbeard and kill him.

He has been capturing poisonous toads and putting their poisonous venom on his sword. We haven't also spoken about what he really truly wants, which is the boat bottle. The collection of boat bottles.

Yeah. The Black Pearl is in a bottle somehow. This is some enchanted boomer shit. Like magical, like the little ship in the bottle, but it's real. People are in there. What if the snow globe was real?

Maybe there's a monkey in the snow globe. But the thing about it is like that's a really, I mean, it's a big, magical lift for this movie. And they act like there's nothing curious about this at all. Like, I don't know, man.

I need to see a ship go in that fucking bottle. Or like he's like, I've got this dark magic scepter that lets me do this something, something. Just show the dark magic being done. They don't even tell you how they get the fucking ship out of the boat at the end. They're just like, I don't know, I guess we'll do it, right? A hammer?

There's a mention of a ritual. We need to goats and we need a whatever. I don't know. That just sounded like the Keenan and Kel thing. we're at the beginning. It's like, these are all the things that we need for the next scheme. Oh, Keenan and Kel, that takes me back.

I watched a lot of that show. They, we wind up at the fountain of youth, right? It takes us a long time to get there, but we do indeed get there. Well, yeah. So, wait, did we, so Barbarossa and Johnny Depp steal these chalices. Yes.

And they get kind of caught, and then they have to do a breakout because we haven't had enough action set pieces that take a place above a ceiling so we're in a fucking tree Johnny Depp like scurries up this tree while roped up and starts

hocking himself to other trees him and Barbarossa get caught by the Spanish yeah that's what it is yeah yeah yeah they're tied to these coconut trees and Johnny Depp again I'm pretty sure I have seen Bugs Bunny do this like shimmies up the tree because he can't like cut the ropes himself

so he shimmies up to the top of it gets himself off And then, yeah, he's like flinging himself from what, like, you, this is like video game physics shit right here again. In the Gore-Virbinski ones, which are full of problems, and I definitely said I didn't like the Bugs Bunny stuff, but at least it had a degree of whimsy to it. And this just feels just like going through the motion. Yeah. Depp cared about the Looney Tunes shit in the other ones. He was dedicated to the Looney Tunes shit in the other ones.

He's just like, ah, the contract at that point. But, Cabin, you have to, I mean, I don't, I'm not saying you're wrong, but you have to also take into account the switching of the producer's story and the fact that you've got Rob Marshall, who you know what Rob Marshall's never made me do is fucking laugh. Yeah. You know, like he has no grasp on the comedic elements of this movie. They all fall flat. It's not any one person's fault. It's just like a perfect storm of shittiness. Yes. The tide itself was pretty strange. Oh. Oh. They want. They're at the thing, water goes upside down. That's kind of fun looking. Yeah, they have to go through a portal, like a ceiling portal.

Actually, speaking of portal, it reminded me of the game portal. I was like, oh, yeah, that game was fun, jumping through halls and stuff. I do like the visual of he's watching the water droplet, like, fall upward, you know, which was pretty nice. But the thing is, like, he jumps through, like, Johnny Depp stems on scrum's shoulders, and he gets sucked up into it. And then immediately behind him, all the other characters just sort of like,

boop, bo, bo, poop, bo. Like, I'll do it really quickly. I'm like, give this guy a second to, like, be in this scene alone. And, like, maybe they're also trying to figure out how you get up there. Also, no one, like, you're going through this water portal. No one is wet.

No one is coming up through this thing soaking wet. Big problem. They're traveling through Alex Mack, and I feel like at least one person, like Stephen Graham, should be left back and we should come back to him and be like, oh, they left me.

Because who's going to get him up there? Oh, you're totally right, actually. Yeah, there's a person who's left behind. He can't reach the ceiling. We don't see how any of them. We just see how like two of them get up there and then the rest of them just somehow manage to climb up. Totally. Hey, how did that secret world of Alex

Mac show and was she killed by the government during experiments? That's it. Yep. Exactly. Dissected. on national television they killed her oh excellent the alien autopsy thing that Fox aired sure that got it

so yeah we have the two cups Johnny Depp oh yeah this is how he opens the portal as he says Aqua DeVita like he reads the words on both of the things that's how it opens Oh is that in a God of DeVita no it's also not Danny DeVito

okay I'm in I'm a pirate. That would dance. Hey, you're making this new movie. Danny DeVito the pirate, come on. I was drinking lemon cellos with Captain Joy. Captain George Clooney.

That is the best thing the view has ever done. That interview with Danny DeVito and when Patrick Stewart asked Whoopi Goldberg to be on the second season of Picard. Great moments, both of them. The only good moments in the view history. in 25 years. So, yeah, so we're at the fountain now. We're trying to do this spell and everything. The Spanish show up because they've been like non-entities.

We should know who at least one of the Spanish... The one, like the leader at least. You know what I mean? Like he should have characteristics and traits. I think he's like, isn't he even credited as like the Spaniard? Yeah. Like we need, we definitely need more to this shit. We need names.

It's the Borg. It's the Borg. It's just the Borg. like they're all just there's no like names I don't see like any nobody's like oh you know Vasquez go fucking get they just kind of like look at each other and know what to do for these white people that could be the thing it's like oh could you imagine

a world of nothing but Spanish speaking Spanish when Penelope Cruz interacts with them because I keep on thinking why isn't she with the Spanish yes yeah totally I mean that's a great thing right if she turned out to be like a double agent yes that's actually great because then she could

lead something and then the allegiances could switch like switch between blackbeard and the Spanish government or what have you there would be some intrigue there yeah like I mean the only real like conflict I mean the I mean what's first is it the Spanish getting angry about the fountain of youth or is it it's the the Barbosa versus Blackbeard right that happened yeah that's the first part and that's another Chris Cabin to speak to what you were complaining about earlier the whole like stopping the action because like we're about to have a big fight here between you know barbosa's uh british navy people uh black beards guys and then like versus the spanish armada guys and like right when they're about to do it johnny deb's like now hang on a second

do we really need a fight scene and i was like no by all means talk it out like that's what i'm here for conversation does is this what rob marshall thinks a joke is yes that's my only thing i can think is that what you think this is and you think that's what I want to see in a fucking Pirates movie? Cut off humor like that happens a bunch of times because there's another thing at the end when he, Jack Sparrow

and Angelica are about to kiss on that beach and then like the music is swelling up and then it's like there might as well be a fucking record scratch sound like they cut the whole song off and they're like never mind I'm not going to make out with you and it's not a joke for this movie

to do that. It's not funny, Rob Marshall. While they're fighting, the Spanish show up, and then they're like, we'll destroy this unholy temple. And I love the the leader of the Spanish battalion is like, well, I'll make short work of these silver chalises. And he mildly dents them and throws them away. I'm like, dude, you need to do better than that.

Oh, my antique cans. I do love that they spent all this time like running to get to the fountain of youth fountain of youth and then the Spanish are just like only God can grant eternal life destroy the profane temple which if like Sam Claflin

was still around right here he should be like you know those guys I want to be on their ship now they're all about PTL and I'm here with these pirates and like God who must have created or some supernatural creature creates this fountain of youth

you make these chalices you don't make them like indestructible. Yeah, they dents like Coke cans. But also like, just dude, here's pro tip to the Spanish. Just do what everyone else does. Just rationalize and be like, well, God obviously left this fountain here

for the Spanish. Sure. That's what the British thing. I don't. What is with that? What is with that, Kevin? That moment that you referenced. When he goes up,

this dinkle one goes up with the British flag. And it's like, I claim this for the brick. Dude, he's assassinated immediately. They shoot him right through that flag. I don't buy the Spanish going across the world and just being like, nah, we're just here to burn things.

I guess that's what they did in reality. Never mind. What if you steal the chalises and use them some way, shape, or form or whatever? Or take the chalises back to the government to proof that no one else can use the fountain, even if it wasn't destroyed. Exactly.

Seal it and put it in a museum. I mean, that's what all these, like, fucking expeditions are for to steal shit. Yeah, exactly. You're stealing shit for the empire anyway to bring back. I'm sorry. It belongs in a museum. Your king's a Catholic. I get that.

He's not passing up eternal life. I'm sorry. The king of Spain? No, it's not happening. No, I mean, why do you think the Catholic church is always so associated with vamporism in a lot of these stories and shit, man? You don't think the Pope would drink from the fountain of youth? The Pope would drink from the fountain of youth.

Absolutely. The Pope would drink your blood if he got the chance. Don't fall for all his stuff about he believes in climate change. He's just trying to drink your blood. And, you know, Barbosa fucking gangs black beer pretty hard. I love this. This was pretty sweet, I have to say. Right in the back, too, classic pirate move.

And it's, of course, with the poison sword. And Penelope Cruz goes to try to help him out. and when the sword is, you know, pulled back through, her hand is cut. Uh-oh, two poisonings going on. Wouldn't it be great if we had like a good moment to talk about Blackbeard, but there's none? There's not this, literally none. He's, he does his magic shit a few times, and then that's it. And the character's then over.

It's, there's just too many characters, like all these movies, I guess. There are, but like, man, he's a pretty big character to not do anything like this. Well, that's the thing that they put him and Penelope Cruz together, and they could, they both do nothing, as opposed to having one character do a lot of things. Nothing alive. Yes. Also, we should mention at some point around here, or like earlier, there's a weird thing where I could have sworn the quartermaster cuts Sam Claflin's throat and throws him down

that hill, but I guess he just like cuts his chest or something? Yeah, you just get his stomach. It's a trick. He's still, like, dying, right? I mean, that's why the mermaid, like, takes him. under the sea? Yeah, because he's gravely injured a second time.

I think cabin, that is the belly slash. But there's another time where he's just like sideline in the movie and then he wakes up and he goes and says that he's going to like save the mermaid and then she swims away. Like he's injured and he cuts her free and she swims off.

Oh yeah, yeah. Right? And I was like, I could have sworn he fucking cut that guy's throat. No, doesn't he get attacked by another mermaid? that's what's hit what that initial injury is I forget like honestly did it dude I don't know but he does get injured and like Jordan says like this the the mermaid's like I can help you but you have to ask me and he's like sure and they she sucks someone to the sea and they fall out of the movie it's like when you get a hole and above ground pool and people get sucked out they got sucked out of the

movie yeah they're just gone forever And I'm like, okay, we spent a lot of time with this guy and this mermaid and their garbage love story. And this movie literally just flushed it. Yeah. And doesn't acknowledge what happens to this guy. I mean, I guess he's presumed dead. I mean, show some blood bubbling up.

Like, oh, shit, I shouldn't have trusted a mermaid. I kind of just thought, is he, is she just going to turn him into a mermaid? And if so, like, why couldn't we see that shit? Yeah, I would love that transformation. I'm like a mermaid. Show me like the Mur world. You could do Atlantis at this point.

That's supposed to be in the proximity, right? Well, isn't the next movie? With Rob Marshall is doing the Little Mermaid. Yeah. So they're both Blackbeard and Angelica are both dying right now. Everybody flees from this temple because the Spanish dudes

like knock everything down. The fountain is destroyed everything. So everybody just fucking gets out of town. except for these three. And Johnny Depp's like, all right, well, we can still do this ceremony. I guess I have this one tier that we collected four days ago. It's definitely still in here. Don't worry about it.

He does the thing. And I knew right away. I was like, you know what? He fucking switched those cups, dude, because he knows that Blackbeard is a son of a bitch and he's going to screw over his own daughter. And here we go. And wouldn't you know it? They both sip from the cup.

Blackbeard chose poorly. and so Penelope Cruz is rescued and comes back to life and you see like the cut on her hand, heels and everything and Blackbeard starts dying. And like I said, you guys, you guys said there is not a cool Blackbeard moment. Dude, Blackbeard in a blender? Yes, please. Yes, please. Oh my God. This was awesome.

It's good until the fucking 3D hand skeleton comes out. I like it. I like all of it. that I fucking hated that. Dude, I was down, Kevin. I was like more of this water blender, whatever is happening right now. And the weird thing is like this movie

like that's it. It's kind of an unceremonious ending. It's like, all right well, so Barbosa, you know, got his ship. So he's out of there with all his pirate buddies. He steals Blackbeard sword. Now he's making the ship go around. Yes. And so like that's him.

He's off to do his own thing. Johnny Depp gives Penelope Cruz the suicide treatment. She's dropped off on an island with one shot in the gun. And this is the whole like, oh, don't leave me here. I love you. I mean, I'm pregnant. I mean, I'll give you a dollar. The character's been so unfounded the entire time.

I'm like, does she love him or is she just trying to get off the island? Like, you have no idea because it's been like. I thought it was pretty straightforward. she's just like saying shit so that she's not abandoned here. Sure. But then he does it. That was kind of an interesting turn.

He leaves her there on that island and goes off. And it's sort of, oh, and Barbosa, by the way, we got it. Because we can't even, you know, go one movie without at least saying the name. We haven't gone there in this movie,

but he is going back to Tortuga. It is shore leave. We're going to be partying hard in that city. Well, that's the thing. Because, you know, these guys have been working for Blackbeard for a long time. You want to be the new boss. You want to be the fun new boss. You got a corporate outing to Nortuga.

We'll do some team-building exercises. Y'all, I'll get these zombies laid. Yeah, I guess that's a good question. Are the zombies going with? Some of them get, the prominent zombies get killed in the scuffle. Like a big beam falls on them. There are prominent zombies. There's two prominent zombies.

Yeah. Yeah, so he's going to Tortuga. And then, like, Jack Sparrow meets back up with Gibbs on another island. He has earlier in the film given Gibbs his compass, and he's like, hey, man, you're free now, you know, go on. And Gibbs, we learn, has stolen all of those ships in a bottle, including the Black Pearl. And, yeah, the whole thing is, I did kind of like the gag of he looks at the bottle

and the monkey is stuck in the ship and kind of like jumps out. And that was the only time I kind of laughed when he was like, I hate that monkey. I was like, I do too, Jack Sparrow. Thank you. But then we're sort of left with like, well, okay, we have to do this other incantation

to get the ship out of the bottle. And I was like, this is such a blown opportunity for them to just like pull the cork, a cool visual of the ship like coming out of the bottle like back into the water. And then he's like, oh, wait a minute. Let's open all of those ships. And then the end of the movie could be,

he's like ruling an entire pirate armada. How cool would that be? That'd be something. Cool. Yeah. It would be something. Yeah. Instead of nothing,

which is just he kind of just winks at the camera and we go to credits. Yeah, I think he says a pirate's life. He said savvy one more time before he. Yeah. Absolutely right. You got to get savvy in there one last time before the credits roll. And they don't even let that savvy like hold there for a second. And he's like, savvy credits.

Yeah. I think they got before. He's done saying the word. Oh, man. And then it's like, here's your big problem directed by Rob Marshall. There it is. That's why this is as messy as it is.

Stinger scene. Yeah. And you know, Stinger scenes should really like add something. You know, maybe they thought they were adding something here, but it's Penelope Cruz on the island. Somehow, even though the voodoo doll was thrown into like a lagoon

by the Quartermaster. It somehow has found its way out into the ocean and all the way to this other island that she's been abandoned on and she picks it up and it's just like, oh, hey, what don't you know?

And that's the end of it. She's not in the next movie so it doesn't matter at all. Well, I think that's the same thing with the same Claflin thing. It's like, oh, we'll just figure it out in the next movie and it's like, oh, it didn't test well so it's not going to happen.

So we didn't actually finish our movie. I mean, you're right, but like the Stinger scene, should be something to do with, like, what happened to that guy that was dragged under the sea by that mermaid? Maybe he's just, like, they're down there. They're having, like, mermaid dinner on the bottom of the sea. That'd be fun.

I don't know. Yes. Javier Bardem is like, I must speak to the king of the mermaid. Yeah, that would be, now, I guess this is 2011, and now six years later in 2017 is when the next movie comes at. Correct. Yeah.

And I don't know if, Penelope and Javier were together when this fourth movie came out, but they were when this they were came out. I don't remember. But yeah, that, I mean, that is this movie, the first one that they released, you know, not in the Swan Turner cycle. And as always here on We Hey Movies, we'll go around to see who would recommend this movie. And our guest today, Jordane, we will start with you. Would you recommend Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides? Absolutely not. I'd rather watch Cutthroat Islands.

Oh, I back that up. Excellent, Paul. I got to rewatch that. I've never seen it, honestly. Rennie Harland, a better director than fucking Rob Marshall. Absolutely. Ooh, Jordane, now you've inspired me. I got to watch this movie now.

I mean, I had a big crush on Franklin Jello, which is the weirdest. I watched it for him. Oh, is that also why you've seen the live action. Masters of the Universe so many times? I actually met him and told him that I was a fan and he just basically was like, you're a baby. How do you even know who I am?

Well, he was at a couple of Tiger Beat magazines in the early 90s, as I remember. Hey, yeah, to tie in with brain scan. He did a few for Eddie, too. Oh, Eddie. Oh, actually, that's so great. Bringing back the Whopster. That movie is the first time

I ever heard the expression, Fuck You and the Horse You Wrote in. on. Really? Because Whoopi says it to Franklin Ellen, that movie. Makes sense. Steve Sadek on Stranger Tides? No, no, no. Yeah, I mean, all of, it's funny,

the farther we get away from the first movie, I'm like, that movie's great. You know what I mean? And I've hated it for a long time, but watching, we go down this horrible stairs. And I mean, I do feel like you really miss Gwerverbinski here. Like, each movie is including, each movie that we've seen, including the last

one have really interesting shots in them. And this movie has none of that. It's just soulless and kind of whatever. But I would rather watch this than at World Zen just for the fact that it's a little shorter and it's a little bit cleaner. So I'll take it.

Eric Siska. Well, I agree with Steve that I would put it above at World's End just for the runtime. It is like real paint by numbers and dull. One thing we didn't get to mention that was pretty cool was Barbarossa has like a booze thermos in his peglass. Oh, yes. Pretty nice.

But, like, I'm just kind of tired. I know the whole franchise so far has been heavily supernatural, but I'm honestly kind of tired of it. Can we just get some fucking treasure? Maybe. Maybe. We'll see next week, you know, I doubt it, right? Yeah, I'm going to guess probably not.

Javier Bardem's like an underwater ghost. That's what I could tell from the trailer. Yeah, that's like, there's like zombie sharks or some shit. Oh, weird. Or zombie ghost things. That's weird. Chris Gavin? Absolutely not.

this is horrible and like if you like take the top 10 most lucrative films from every year of the last 10 years you showed them all to everybody nobody would pick this as the movie that cost the most money to ever make ever because it has no sense that like the spectacle is garbage right it's absolutely drained there's no like real like sense of like oh my god they did that with that money no it's not you're just like oh is this over yet please that made like 55 million on this movie five million and you're right there's like at least at world's end

and some of these other movies had great set pieces and the CGI looked interesting and like I honestly I can't tell you one moment of this movie that I was particularly enthralled with I did like the start with the running around London because it was a change of pace but other than that I can't name a single

thing that's good. I would say there's one way to recommend this movie and it's if you haven't seen those first three movies. Because I think if this was your introduction to this franchise, you'd kind of be like

okay, like it's not great, but all right, I get it. I don't know. I think this one more than those others too, even though it's convoluted, it's convoluted in kind of a more straightaway fashion, there's less

like flippy floppy on the boats and the, I mean, it's all there. That stuff is all there. But I feel like it was done to a little less of a degree, which means like if you were doing it as a hangover movie, you'd kind of be okay with following along

because they're just going to this fountain. It takes them a long time to get there, but that's all they're doing is going to the fountain. I feel the cutting down of the flippy-foppy is just because of the shorter runtime. The flippy floppy would be back in there if they had another 20 minutes to do it, but all flippy flop. Maybe they cut it out. That's why it was so expensive. I bet the

original cut of the movie was way longer. Oh, yeah, for sure. And I want to say, too, I was doing some, like, you know, I think it was on the Wikipedia page linked to an interview with Gore Vibinsky. And it was actually a great thing. He said in an interview, they were like, why did you wind up, you know, turning down this movie? And he was like, because the only reason I could see to do a fourth one of these movies was purely financial. And I think that's, it's pretty respectable, you know, even though, like that year he had Rango. Like Rango and this were the same year. Rango is

way better than this movie. Yeah. It's so much fun. And it was just, it's kind of nice to have a director who's going to say that. And it's just, it's disappointing with Rob Marshall too, just with like the flashiness to it. Because like, I mean, Chicago is one of the flashiest movies of all time. I think that is a great movie.

And it's, this is just so not that. Motherfucker needed a lighting crew. I don't know why we couldn't turn the lights on with these fight scenes. So just like in a normal situation, no, not a recommend for me. If this was your first Pirates of the Caribbean ride, hey, I think you'd be all right.

But that is Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides, directed by Mr. Marshall, as we have said. Jordane, thanks so much for coming on. There's a lot of fun. We finally got to have you on the show. Yeah, I've been on for a while. still want to do single white female at some point, but yes. We will definitely get that figured out.

We were originally supposed to have Jordane on earlier, but to do single white female, but COVID struck and we're just grateful you're here today. Yeah, I mean, COVID got everything. I was supposed to host a live screening of scripties with Demi Moore. Oh, what? So that's being rescheduled. I was supposed to do it at the nighthawk. So whenever COVID is over, please come to that.

Yes, we will definitely be there for that. Are you kidding me? That'd be so much fun. Speaking of you hosting things, where can people find your work on the internet? You can find me on Twitter and Instagram at J-O-U-R-D-A-Y-E-N, Jordane. And, you know, I write for bitch media, A-V-Club Thrillist. And so I'm around. I covered all of Stephen Universe Future if you watch that show.

And listen to Bad Romance. We're on Lunar Light Studio, which is a nice little like indie queer podcast studio that I just became part of. Oh, perfect. Yeah. Is there a web address for that or is it just, is it in iTunes or?

Oh, for the podcast or the website. Oh, the website, I guess, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just like, I think it's like Luterlight Studio.com. But if you find my podcast on Spotify, it'll have like information for that. Brilliant. So that's going to.

wrap up the penultimate Pirate Mania episode of We Hate Movies next week. Of course is Pirates of the Caribbean Five. I'm going to go by Steve Sadak's sequel legislation. It is just Pirates of the Caribbean Five. Of course, find more We Hate

Movies over on patreon.com slash we hate movies. We had a We Love Movies episode on Gore Vibinsky's The Ring. By the way, I want to mention that the nexus this month is supersized 90 months plus 90. Yeah, we were gab at a long time.

A big daddy episode for some daddies. Oh, yeah, it is both. Yeah, that's right. Both of those trek episodes, horrendous daddy issues throughout. So be sure to check that out. Daddy Gibbs. Dordane, if you make that T-shirt, by the way, I will buy one. And I will wear it in public.

That's going to do it for us this week, gang. Until next week with Pirates of the Caribbean 5. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddick. Eric Sis Kavana. Jordan Searle. Take it easy. podcast.