We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 487 - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Episode Date: June 3, 2020

On this week's episode, Pirate Mania finally docks for good as the gang chats about the last (for now) entry in the franchise, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales! Why does Javier Bardem's character design have to have so many weirdo things going on? What's with the wacky Barbossa timeline? And good lord with that heinous de-aging! PLUS: We finally get some actual non-paranormal pirate antics! Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales stars Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario, David Wenham, Stephen Graham, and Kevin McNally as Gibbs; directed by Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, it's finally over. It's Pirates of the Caribbean. Dead Men Tell No Tales. I'm Andrew Jupin. Land Ho! Stephen Zadak. Eric, C-Sysick, rather. Captain Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello,

everyone welcome to we hate movies thank you for tuning in as always and thank you for joining us on what is the final voyage of the pirate mania here on on the show this is welcome yeah oh no i'm not thanking you what i'm thinking the folks at home i mean this was a long voyage yeah it's a long voyage for everyone you're thinking it's good for everybody to have encouragement eric but jesus christ uh you know we've had some some guests along the way we've had a lot of laughs, but I am very excited to watch things that aren't pirate-related and we'll get to that at the end

of the program. But for now, Pirates of the Caribbean, colon, dead men tell no tales for 2017, directed by the directing duo of Joaquim Running and Espin Sandberg. Glad you took those, dude, because I was looking at this last night and like, ooh, and what?

They did another adventure movie called Contickey, which is actually pretty good. It was like even nominated for an Academy Award. I think so, yeah. It might have been foreign, it might have, it might have been a nominated for that. I will say that those two guys are a breath of fresh air, especially from Rob Marshall. Yes. Absolutely. I mean, the one thing that, you know, and some folks on Twitter were giving me guff and we'll get to it, you know, I guess at the end of the program, because I don't want to bog us down now. But one of the things I did notice about this movie, especially over that fucking last one, man, the action is way more competently put together here. No way around it.

The nautical stuff looks so much better. It's the best it's looked since Gore Vibinsky. Yeah. And I think, you know, a lot of the, one of our major complaints is that, you know, through a lot of these movies, it doesn't feel like a lot of pirating moments. And in this movie, I mean, yes, there is the paranormal stuff, of course. I'm not saying that there's not that. But at least I felt there were more moments in this movie where it was just like straight up, hey, it's a pirate adventure. Yes.

even when like to the point of like in the middle of this movie when they stopped doing the pirate stuff like let's go on our paranormal adventure like can we just keep fucking around st martins for a little while like that's that's totally that you could just end a movie like if there was up and forgive me if i said this before i've had this thought like a pirate heist movie with johnny dep and and you know it's just he's getting a crew together and like that's the whole thing it's like oh tomorrow this is coming in at port and we got to grab it you know that that's something exactly um which which we sort of get the tail end of towards the beginning of this movie, but our prologue is the young Turner boy. You immediately know right away that this little bastard is a Turner because he's got dad's curse with a bunch of hash marks on his wall, like counting down the days until Will Turner will be back on land. And then a hilarious collection of Jack Sparrow wanted posters like it's fucking Harry Potter or some shit. Oh, real quick, the opening, the, the,

logo pirate flag and stormy weather yes definitely yeah i actually it was a really um like and i guess because this one is the most recent of these movies it's a really slick super hd version of the disney opening out it's like it looked cool as hell it looked good the clouds look cool and it's like that's just enough you know the little pirate flag and some storm clouds rolling and like oh a starms are coming totally fun yeah there was a train that went by and then I was like man cowboys versus pirates how about that that could happen wasn't that Daniel oh no that was aliens yeah I guess this is earlier than cowboy times but the way Johnny Depp has aged I'm surprised the Civil War hasn't happened yeah dude instead of fucking

1760 it's 1860 well you imagine like like kids have to have jack sparrow wanted posters up on their well like people have like the Elvis Presley mugshot poster And stuff like that. He's been around for so goddamn long at this point. John Belushi with his college sweatshirt, checking Jack Daniels. Eric, we will talk about the timeline of this franchise

and it is fucking bonkers. I was like just with regard to how depth, you know, has aged, you know, is like $60,000 a month of wine habit and so on,

whatever that terribly sad profile of him was. It fits for this movie because in this movie, because in this movie, Jack Sparrow is supposed to be, it's sort of like the John McLean and Diehard with a vengeance. He's fucking washed out.

He's a loser. You know, basically banned from being a pirate almost. You know, like, so it checks here that he's like a drunken piece of shit. I'm glad they did something different with the character. Maybe the road to redemption

could have been a little firmer, but yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing is he doesn't like ever put down the bottle instinctive, like definitively or says, well I'm going to do it's either I drink or I save my friends well I'm going to save my friends you know what I mean right and it becomes French along the way too I'm Captain Jack's bell I'm going to save my friends I also I do think that this uh the beginning of this movie shows what a bad mother cure nightly turned out to be because here's the decision if your husband if you father a child by a ghost yeah you have to

not ever tell that child that he was fathered by a ghost and that there's a curse involved that he could possibly break because this is what you're gonna get into he's the problems much much like his father he's chasing his death right away

he's putting a sack of rocks around his ankle dude he's pulling a fucking AJ Soprano did you see this shit oh dude fucking Orlando Bloom's got to have a hot dog in his hand oh no I've always loved that

because you can sort of tell that Tony Soprano was like I can't believe I had to lose that fucking hot dog because my stupid son tried to kill himself in the pool. It is the best. He comes home from work, this surprise episode,

late in the series. And AJ's hanging himself in the pool. And he's like, ooh, a hot dog. And like, this is like,

not a bad day. And then he hears like what's going on. He's like, oh, fuck. Marron, my kids try to kill himself. Oh,

you better be here when I get back, hot dog. Melfie, this is your fault. but yeah dude you're you're totally right the answer is four words your dad is dead yes exactly or

your dad was a great guy and he's fucking dead I or you know I got drunk one night at the tavern there was a lot of guys you give it maybe a Mamma Mia situation oh totally dude it's like it's Orlando Bloom Gibbs the pirate who had his

tongue cut out but the parrot was there the little person pirate for sure is involved absolutely absolutely. I think Gibbs does an SOS that brings the house down. But yeah, so this kid fucking rose out to some coordinates that he's figured, and he's like a little kid at this

point, he's figured out these coordinates somehow, takes a rock, ties a rope around it, ties the rope around his leg, dumps that shit, and basically like, uh, sort of does like a pop-in to the flying Dutchman is the idea. You can't be doing pop-ins. I mean, that is Orlando Bloom's reaction, dude, because this kid, like, so the kid lands at the bottom, and Orlando Bloom is already like, well, fuck, now I have to bring the Dutchman up to the surface because my dumb kid's going to drown.

Henry, Henry, you woke up Jennifer. I have a new life now, Henry. This fucking dolphin with a little hat walks out of. He's out of a school of fish. These are my children now. Henry, we've forgotten you. Oh, my God. Henry, listen, you go respect your mother.

Why is he covered in barnacles, though? I guess he's not doing the job. Great question. I think the, well, maybe, but the barnacle thing, it's light on the barnacle. And I want to say, look, you can only be hanging out underwater in the ocean for so long before shit starts attaching itself to you, man. I decided to put the barnacles on to honor my dad. and remember this is a dad franchise. Also, you don't know

what fucking rules they had about what actually constitute work on this ship. It might be like an HOA and they just fucking nitpick you to death. I took a day my back hurt yesterday and now I've got barnacles on over me face.

And I have to say, so the last time we saw Will Turner was in 2007's Pirates of the Caribbean at World's End. You know, when he takes this curse up and now he's the dude, now he's driving the Dutchman. And then to jump in a matter of a couple weeks on the show here, 10 years into the future, Orlando Bloom looking a little less dreamy in this movie. You're absolutely right, but I think it's more of, because if you look at him promo stuff for that stupid fairies show he did on Amazon, oh, hey, I'll take your word for it. Yeah, what is this?

it's a show in just because I've seen this commercial a million times I have no idea what it's called Caradella Bean is in it too Yes it's a show in where It's like a quote unquote prestige drama wherein it's 1800s London E town and there's like

fairies are real and magic exists yada yada yada Only Carnival Ro Yes you're exactly right Okay I remember the ads for this and specifically But he's looking like Orlando Bloom in that And this, I think, is a clear case of, you got me for two days and I'm not going to stop and I'm not going to stop eating pastor. You know what I mean? Like it's like he's a little wider, but I feel like everyone gets wider with age. But I guess you, you disprove it with that Amazon show. He's, he's, he's just a little, he's just, he's been eating. Well, also, no, I can't, I can't throw stones. You know, craft services on this must have been glorious. The amount of money they spilled on this. It's not what. is the last one. But still, it has to be amazing. Look, you can cut the budget for my salary

and you can cut the budget for special effects and on location shooting. But you are not cutting the budget for that peel and eat shrimp buffet. But you could cut the budget for celery as well. I am now sending you all a picture of Carnival Row Orlando Bloom just to you're texting this over the wire. Yes, I'm texting over the wire. Okay. I'll keep my eyes peeled. That is good to know, though, Steve, because I was like, that's such a bummer man. He is a handsome ass guy. But it's nice to know. You're totally right. He's like, oh, I got a what? Yeah, all right. 48 hours. You bet your ass it's just green screen. 48 hours at all the posture I could eat. Oh, here we go. In from Steve Santic. Oh, yeah, he looks

great. Yeah, he actually kind of looks like Justin Timberlake with that haircut. Look at that. All right. But, uh, yeah. He's like, hey, dad, you know, I've, been researching every curse in pirate lore and whatever the fuck I know that the way to help you, I'm gonna free you from the Dutchman all I need is the

Trident of Poseidon. Where does he learning all this shit from drunk sailors? Yeah, I don't. He says that he's like been researching this shit all his life and it's like yeah I mean if he's getting these firsthand accounts dude it's this little kid he's got to be hanging out in taverns and whatnot.

Yeah, there's no books on this shit. No, like maybe, so maybe he's like a bar back or something. And again, what is, how is Kiran Knightley raising this kid? Again, like, no, we're not looking up pirate curses. You are going to school. You're going to become either, you know, I don't know what the monetary situation is. She probably inherited stuff from Jonathan Price. Oh, they're good to go.

Dude, look this fucking cliffside estate that they live in. Cliffside estate. You only see the cliffs. Do you see the estate at the end? Well, you see their bedroom at that stupid stingers scene. I guess we never see the actual house. You never see the actual house. You just see her like running out of the woods in a silent roll.

and I'm like, what the fuck's going on in those woods? Also, is she going, like, it seems like the Flying Dutchman is close enough to where they live, right? At least it was parked there that day. So is Karen Knightley going down there and like on an anniversary trying to drown herself to get some? Well, that's what I don't understand about this whole thing of like he can only touch land every, you know, 10 years. It's like, okay, then I don't know, man. Why don't we practice some effective social distancing here, right? like she goes and stands at the fucking beach and you know you pull up as close as you can without running a ground or hey even better take a little rowboat like a little dingy go pick her up and roll back out in the water get to fucking oh oh elizabeth no no i'm with jennifer now you don't understand

no i know honey honey honey honey please honey honey honey honey please honey honey please unless unless you fancy a three way put your finger in that porthole May I remind you, sweetheart, the dolphins are incredibly sexual animals. Hey, I, Elizabeth Swan, they don't call it to blowhole for nothing. So, and Orlando Bloom is like, hey man, don't worry about it.

That shit's not real. Why don't you try to actually just live a life? Hey, Dad, I also read this other thing where you can stand in a bucket of water, so why don't you do that? I saw this in a third movie that Amy Jones just kind of hanging out in a bucket of or he go to my birthday party in a bucket of water. He can live in the bathtub.

Then he can do like a rear window out and like look out of spy glass and see if anyone in the ocean's dying. And then he's like, okay, I got to get up. I got to go to work. Someone drowned. But so it's actually, I really do like all the special effects here with the Dutchman once again. You know, he goes up to the surface. He tells him to fuck off.

And it's a cool thing of like the ship just goes back underwater while the kid is still. on it and you know he's just left like swimming by his little rowboat um we are then this was i have to ask you guys this so we cut and it says nine years later uh did you're um when nine years later came up in the text did it just look like a totally non-styled like subtitle font to you guys no i think it had some pirates into it if i remember yeah i can't remember that's crazy because i was watching it last night i did not have subtitles on you know, as it was, because I had headphones on. I was playing it pretty loud.

But it just looked like white text with like the sort of like translucent gray background behind it. Oh, no. And it just said nine years later, it looks so bad. I was like, that can't be the movie's decision. Welcome back to we hate fonts. Hey, man, every nook and cranny of these movies, dude, we're asking the hard questions. You're right.

You're right. We're exploring them. So, yeah, this is when they're, he's on a, he's on a, it looks like an English ship. and they're besieged by pirates. Anyone get a look at this pirate flag, by the way? Two skulls with crossbones. I think that's a result of a pirate merger, I guess. That's how that works.

Oh, right. We're just consolidating the crews. It looks cool. Welcome to Sparrow Barbosa. Yeah, exactly. Dude, the old SB pirate line. Totally. And yes, this is grown-up, Henry Turner.

What's this kid from? Everything. They've given this kid so many chances. He was in the giver. God's in Egypt. God's of Egypt. Okay. Okay. I think yeah. Maybe some maze running

has happened. I'm not sure. Well, because this other, the woman in the film is a maze runner. Oh, she's the maze runner. Got it. Okay. Oh, and he's also in Gasper No Ice Climax. No, I'm kidding. Oh, man, I was going to say. He's on that Titans show, which I still haven't watched. I don't know. Oh, the fuck Batman show? Yeah.

Get at me in the comments if fuck Batman's worth, where the watch. So yeah, he's on this ship. They're being chased by pirates. And this kid tells it, Henry says to the, he like runs up. He's like, he's one of the dudes like working in the bowels of the ship or whatever. And he like runs up.

He's like, I have to talk to the captain. And he gets up there. And he's like, hey man, those are some pirates that are chasing us. But you're taking us right into the devil's triangle, my friend. And this guy's like not having it. And this kid's trying to like fucking storm the bridge here. Dude, he's like a little fucking pirate terrorist. Well, they appropriately ripped his coat

Because now he's committing treason And they want everyone to know That he's committing treason And you can just kind of get rid of that coat, I think Is the movie Sure, you can rip your sleeves And then, okay Yeah, I don't get that

Because also like, yeah, one, you could just throw the jacket away But two, I don't know, man, What if you fucking fell or like had an accident You're like, oh my God, my coat ripped And then everyone thinks you're a fucking traitor Yeah, what if you get What if you were walking along the chain link fence

and you accidentally grazed it up against it. You'd have to throw it away, I think. You would have to throw it away and not tell your mother. Look at all the dead bodies. Take one of theirs. Great point. Yeah, that's true. So the kid is thrown in the brig and he tells

this fucking old man. This old man who later has one of the worst saddest deaths in this franchise, I think. This old man, you know, about, oh, I'm looking for Jack Sparrow. The guy's like, Jack Sparrow's been dead for years so on and so forth

but yeah so then they they're going into the devil's triangle and it's like oh there's a shipwreck here oh the shipwreck's actually trying to destroy us whoops wait what and this is our introduction to Javier Bardem and his crew and they like lay waste

to these guys it's pretty cool I think that the violence in this movie is pretty good definitely dude I mean in this seat right from the jump like there's a dude one of the pirates is after one of the like naval guys and the guy the naval guy

gets a sword like right through his chest and you fucking see that shit one thing one thing I want to point out is with these battles is fucking um harveyabar dam's ship is terrible because it looks like a fucking truckosaurus or something it's like a transformer that like

turns into like this like skeletal version of itself and crushes other ships. Yeah, it's not a great idea, but when you see it actually do the thing, it's pretty cool. I'm anti-Pretty cool. I'll be honest. Not

this part, but when he rolls over the fucking British Navy at the end of the movie, that's great. It's more like, pretty, pretty, pretty for me. But it's great because, you know, they lay waste to everyone on the ship and Javier

Bardem as Captain Salazar, his whole thing is like he always leaves one dude alive to tell the tale. And he hears these guys in the brig. The kid like knocks something over or something like that. So Salazar goes downstairs and this old man, I mean, is

pleading for his life. He's fucking terrified. And like one of Salazar's dudes just kills this guy, like just drops him instantly. But it's like, I don't remember another point in this franchise where there was a character like legitimately pleading for their life in a not comical way.

Yes. Like this old dude just gets dropped. But yeah, I mean, it's this whole, you know, the kid mentions Jack Sparrow and, you know. He sees the wanted poster on the ground because the kid was carrying like 50 copies

for some reason. He just went to the, you know, the Caribbean fucking kinkas. We should say that, yeah, one thing is that, oh, no, but just we should talk about how he looks at this stupid movie because it's ugly

it's not good I kind of think it looks kind of cool because the idea is like I guess he's underwater the whole time so his hair moves like he's underwater even though he's above water and I kind of like that effect he does look like kind of like dog shit but the rest of his crew is pretty cool too

with the whole like missing faces and shit there's like eight things going on with him that I was just like I need two or three max here buddy he's got these burn marks from a cannon fire he's got two sword hands he's got the underwater

thing he's got this busted as a coat that he's wearing I mean it's I just I get tired of it I'll tell you what the one thing that he doesn't need is the penguin the Dain de Vito penguin goop in his mouth that is that's the one step too far for me I'm more

with Eric on this I think it's actually pretty rad the underwater thing particularly is yeah I like the hair the hair's cool. The effect of that is really cool. I just like that they're all like super waterlogged partial people.

There are some of those crew members that just sort of look like it's like the invisible man almost. Which is pretty great. I'm just really glad we got something new like Ghost Pirates. Yeah. Well, I mean, the funny thing is like I don't know, man. That's why there shouldn't be five of anything. There's only so much shit

you can do. Just have him fight another pirate. Yes. Have a character. Not a force of dead zombie ghost things and just yeah it's just that's the thing i agree i i think that the and also there's just way too much supernatural like in the first movie we were closer to indiana jones version of supernatural like one or two things are kind of crazy yeah this movie we've got a fleet of dead uh ghosty pirates that's that's enough and then all the trident shit later on and the and also for some reason he travels around with dead birds and dead shark

too. Also, what... It is too much. It is too much. What constitutes being enough of a person to be on his ship? Like, you know, because there's like two dudes that are like literally cufflinks that are people. I think, I mean, yeah, you know, obviously there's not a lot that's explained here. You know, but it's like, I think if you were on the ship at the time that it was cursed in the devil's triangle, dude, like that's just, you know.

There's just a floating thing of entrails. That would be great If it was just a large intestine Walking around with a sword Right, that's left with Billy Bud Oh, look out for Skaggs, he's a real asshole And then an asshole shows up It's just an asshole

Oh look, here comes Skags Boop Poop But I love So Salas I was like, hey man I need Jack Sparrow's compass And I have to say That it's pretty impressive That a seemingly meaning

this prop from the first film. Jesus, Louises. Is now such a massively important thing by the end of this franchise. You know, way to go, everybody. You did it. Not only that, I mean, later on,

like Johnny Depp gives it to someone else and suddenly it awakens Salazar. It's like, wait a second. Hasn't that thing? Did that thing not change hands at all? I made a note about that because it definitely did because Elizabeth Swan

is using it all over that third movie. Wow. And I think even, like, what do you call it? Jones has it for a little bit like everyone has that fucking thing but in this movie it's like oh just change the fucking thing

you like do something different like the last movie which wasn't good you know it's like the founder youth or whatever just do a new magic thing maybe Jack stumbles across it or whatever maybe he does actual pirating and steal some treasure and finds it well that

would be pretty cool if that actually happened but I mean they did introduce a new magic thing and you're complaining about it The Trident? Yeah. But how about a good one? How about that but better? I'm with Eric on that. So he needs the compass. So it's basically like,

hey man, you know, you lead me to Jack Sparrow and I'm not going to kill you. How's that sound? And he says you know, I always leave a man alive to tell the tale because, as we all know, dead man tell no tales.

And then as Chris, as you pointed out, I give you all the credit for smash what a fucking big ball move it's something you are saying the title of the film like half a second before that fucking title card comes up wow that's balls i mean it's it's dumb as shit but it is also big balls

it's also a long time it reminded me that Friday the 13th remake where it's like 25 minutes there's the title of the movie all right I didn't think that was going to happen yeah exactly like they're watching the final cut this movie and it's like, wait a second. You fucking put the title card there. Oh, fuck.

I dropped it in an Adobe premiere by mistake. It looks okay, though, right? It was supposed to be right after the castle. I will say not enough how you are by them in this movie. And I like this version. The character isn't super well defined either. Like, in this part, he's just like, will you tell him,

will you, will you, will you tell him? Like, that's kind of a fun, like, he's a little, what do you call it, more manic for a second, but that doesn't hold a lot. Right. He's also polite in that moment, too. And then he's just, he's just murdering everyone later in the movie and there's no like tit for tat. There's no banter. There's no, there's none of that character remains after this title card.

They do lose it in the third act because it's not a great third act at all. But I at least appreciate like, I love how like crazy he is. Like he's nuts and he's been obsessing for years about Jack Sparrow. you know it's we'll of course get into all the past history sure i mean his motivation just for himself makes sense but like the whole thing like i hunted pirates because my dad and grandfather both did and they died and it's just like what is it pirate hunting tradition i don't know well no what he's he's like a he's like a spanish naval officer right right that's the whole thing is like he's not a pirate no no no but he he hunts pirates his whole mission in life is to kill pirates because

Pirates killed his dad and pirates killed his grandfather. Right, who were also, though, pirate hunters, right? It's like the family tradition kind of a thing, I guess. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it happened. I'm more, but I am also more interested in that character, a character that is, like, obsessed with hunting pirates because his fucking dad and his grandfather were killed by them, then the guy who is obsessed with the compass that's going to lift this curse,

another goddamn curse. I mean, that's a great point, Chris. Just have him be a pirate hunter, and let's go do it. Let's go have some sword fights. Let's have some fucking cannons without a fucking magic coming on my butthole. Well, it's not the movie's fault you were sitting at home fucking farting through the whole thing. Oh, Skaggs, stop farting. Oh, Skaggs, you did it again.

Must have been that spell I had for dinner. So then we open on St. and it's this guy who's really excited about look, it's the greatest bank that ever existed, yada, yada, yada. Yeah, this is Bruce, what is this guy's name? Bruce Spence.

Spence, yeah. From, he's gyro captain in the Mad Max world. He's in, what were we saying this last night? He's also one of the poachers in Ace Ventura, too. Oh, yeah. Stay the fuck tune, Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So yeah, they're dedicating this new bank in St. Martin. And I think right before this, though, is when it's weird how they introduced this female lead, this Kaya Skodilario actress playing this Karina Smith. Because she's introduced in like little bits here and there. Like there's just a quick, like, she's being sentenced for being a witch because she's actually a fucking scientist. Like is the idea she's in a fucking cell. and this priest is like, yeah, you've been sentenced to death, so, you know, you're a witch. Well, I mean, yeah, so she does know science and stuff.

And Andrew, I don't know about this movie because I didn't see her like learn every single science thing. Didn't see her go to school to get her master's. Oh, my God. Where was the science book? I'm confused. Incredible. This is damning, damning evidence, Eric. That's true.

that is why I don't like the movie but she's kind of rad right here because this priest is like you know any last words and she's like well by the way when you were running your fucking dumb mouth I was picking this lock and she fucking you know opens the door

this priest gets knocked down which I laughed about and so yeah then we cut to Bruce Bans he's opening they're dedicating this you know bank vault like here's our new bank on St. Martin here's the vault and we're going to open it up and nobody's been in here yet

and how great is this and they open it up and of course there is our friend mr jack sparrow passed out in the safe and you know i have to say we've been we've been harping on this since movie one but dude when he gets out of this safe you let you get one look at really like drunk down and out super scumbag jack sparrow now you know that smell is ripe it's not good i mean how is this guy's why fucking this dude you yes there's a woman there's a woman in the vault with them. They decide not to shoot because, isn't that your wife? Yeah, dude. Here's Bruce Spence getting cucked at his own fucking

bank dedication ceremony. It is insane. How does he still get hard with all the STDs? I don't understand it. And the wrong. Maybe it's permanently hard. It's just stuck that way. That's a fair. Okay, so Bruce Spence. He's got baggy pants, though. You're not seeing nothing. And I know you are on the lookout camera. I'm there looking. And I saw nothing. Bruce Spence should then grow

a beard become Cuckbeard the pirate. Yes, finally. Yes. He's the guy that hunts pirates. He's a pirate hunter named Cuckbeard. And this is the thing where like the vault is on some chains, Gibbs and co, including Stephen Graham.

I think that we were down to only three remaining OG pirates here. It's a Big Daddy Gibbs. Yeah. The little guy. And then yes, Stephen Graham is scrum. I think that's his name. And they're sort of like, they're attaching shit

to horses. You don't really know what's going on here. And it's kind of like right after like, oh yeah, well, didn't he fuck your wife? And like they start firing on him because like she gets out of the way. They start firing and the safe

is pulled out of well the plan I guess initially is we're going to pull the safe right out the back of the building and be off with it. But instead they set out what honestly guys I think is a really fucking awesome action sequence where the whole building is being pulled through the streets

by these horses. It's fun. And they're doing a pirate thing. They're trying to steal a treasure. This is one of the better sequences of the movie. I would say, yeah. And the weird thing is it starts with Bruce Spence being like, hey, Jack Sparrow, why don't you leave the ocean cold?

And we're running out of shrimp. Oh, yeah? Well, I ate sex with you all want. God damn it, that would be great if he actually insulted him like that and then just gets pulled away but you know, we're dragging this whole building tons of stuff is being destroyed

This is the 9-11 of St. Martin This is the first thing. This is like the first one. It's like 1-11. Hundreds dead. I mean literally, I mean, you can't see him because, but like that building went through some living quarters it looked like. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I mean, in one of the greatest moments of destruction

is Karina, our scientist who is broken out of the jail cell goes to this dude's... I don't even know what the fuck you call this. I mean, I guess he's a professional astronomer. He's got this massive telescope. And, you know, there's a sign on the door that's like, no women and no dogs. And this guy's like, but you're a woman,

and you're in my store and you're touching my telescope. And this dude's like losing his fucking mind. And then she's like, oh, actually, like, you had this one little thing out of check here. I re-aligned it for you. And then the fucking building comes by and just slams into this building, destroys this guy's telescope.

Oh, it's funny. This is when, like, I think Roger Moore did a pass on this script. There is so much innuendo and double talk. It's like, this is the first time a woman's ever touched my telescope. And she's like, well, that figures or something like that. It's a very horny movie.

It's a super horny movie. Thank you. Oh, that's what it's a, I guess this is the name of, it's either the name of the brand of the, or the nickname that he gives it, but I wrote it down the guy says, no

woman's ever handled my Herschel. Yes. Okay. And then this dude also calls her a witch, of course. But then his telescope gets fucked up, which is great. Johnny Depp kind of saves her for a second and they're in this together. Right. And Dave Wenham is trying

to kill her. While everybody else is trying to get the fucking house that's running through the fucking streets. I'm happy David Wenham get some work in this movie, man. Who's this guy? Who is he? He's great. I think he's Australian or New Zealand maybe. Top of the lake.

Top of the lake. He's in a lot of, he's in the latter two Lord of the Rings movies. Yep. As Boromir's brother. Oh, yeah. Snoramir. I think it's Faramir. Faramir, yeah. He was good in those. He is good. Yeah, I just like, I like

the actor. He does a lot of character actor work. He's really good. But, like, I love that his whole thing in this movie he's like, I'm going to get that witch for like a large portion of the film. That is his only motivation is capturing what he perceives to be a witch. Maybe I wasn't paying a super attention

but doesn't he just disappear? I don't know if he dies or anything concludes his character. I think he's on the ship with the rest of the English Navy. Yeah, the Tricosaurus I think it's got it. Oh yeah. So he doesn't really just get a real death. It's just sort of a group death there.

He didn't escape to grave digger in time. By the way, I would watch a movie called Get That Witch. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Of course. With an exclamation point, that sounds fun. It sounds like the title of one of the fake Tracy Jordan movies on 30 Rock. Yeah, exactly. Tracy Jordan stars in Get That Witch.

Or you could do like a 60s-ass kind of sex romp kind of a thing. Oh, totally. It could go that way also. I'd appreciate that. So, yeah, it's, I mean, you know, big great chase scene. it ends with the building like getting caught outside like the entrance to the town and everything like goes tits up and they they escape and then honestly great gag great button on this whole thing they go to be like all right now our winnings from the safe and all the money has fallen out and there's like one little coin left in the whole thing which is i think a pretty great laugh uh yeah and sparrow takes it then he has the balls to ask for a tribute from everybody else wow dude the fucking nuts on this disgusting guy tribute thing is like a new thing. Like they do it a lot

in this movie but I don't remember it coming up before. I either do I. I think they're trying to replace the parley thing. Yes. With something like this. You know, now this is the new pirate thing you can all learn in this movie. Yeah. Right. There is no instance

of parlay here. No. It's true. They also got rid of the rum being gone. I think the last movie didn't have it. And this movie I don't think has that either. It's more wine in this movie. is he drinking wine in this movie? Yeah, I think that's usually what they're drinking like jugs of wine.

I think it's a jug of rum, you know, yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum. I know that's why, but like you never hear them talking about it. That's true, yeah. No, is this Johnny Depp was just drinking wine. Yes, it's also true. And it looks it. He winds up, like, I think what's, Karina gets caught again.

He kind of betrays her. She does say it. I do think this is something that was in play in one of the iterations of the script where she's like, oh, no, never met me father and I'm like she he's her father like I just immediately when she says that to him like he's got to be your dad um it's a classic case of who's my dad to who to barbosa no she says it to Johnny Depp in the beginning oh blah blah blah and you know my father taught me how to do this and this but I've never met him and I'm like okay you're but you're saying at that point in this movie you then thought that Jack Sparrow was her father yes and it would

make more sense oh I see I was confused for a second because I was like, but Steve, that's not what happens. No, yeah, certainly not. You have to introduce, then you can kill off a character and they're not going to kill off Jack Sparrow. That's a good point. Yeah, no, that's exactly what this is, the old switcheroo here.

But yeah, so we should mention Sparrow at this point is abandoned by all of his guys. They're like, you know what, dude, you're fucking drunk, you fucked us on that whole robbery. And now you're asking us to give you tribute, tribute for fucking what? Go fuck yourself. And they all leave

him, you know, there's some, a couple of new guys on the team and they're like, Jack Sparrow is no longer our captain and that's sort of that. And then meanwhile, because the, the Turner boy is the sole survivor of that wreck, he's in a

hospital, he's been captured by the British Navy. And he's still wearing that jacket. They're like, oh, look, we got ourselves some treasoners here. And I'm like, well, dude, don't fucking wear that jacket. Put the treason jacket on that dead guy. But so, yeah, so then this is Karina comes in here. She's pretending to be a nun

working at the hospital. And this is where she meets up with the Turner kid. What's his name? Henry Turner. Henry Turner. By the way, she's great in Crawl from 2019. She's the daughter in that movie? Yeah, Barry Pepper is the

father. I got to see it, man. Yeah, it's a fun. It's a fun. It's a fun movie. Yeah, you just late at night. It's a good late at night, you know what I mean? Like, you're watching your second or third movie of the evening. You'll have fun with that. It has a sense of humor, too, which is nice. Yeah, I think she made bank off of all those maze runner movies.

She's big snows. Yeah, I mean, I think she's in like all of them. So, Chris, you would say that she got the cheese at the end? Yes, Eric, yes, yes, yes, I would. I would say that. The cheese is like cheddar, like money. Yes. Thank you, Eric, for explaining that.

So they're both talking about, you know, the Trident and everything. and this is where things get a titch and it's a Jerry Bruckheimer movie so I get it. It's not surprising but things get a little too national treasure here because she's like I have this book it was Galileo's and he was obsessed with finding the Trident and I was like you know what

that's kind of dumb and then she's like but that's not all Andrew he also built the spyglass so he could and I'm like man no do not national treasure this pirate's movie But you, Galileo, not. Galileo had enough on his plate. He didn't also have to be searching for the fucking Trident.

The fucking Trident of Poseidon becomes the big MacGuffin of the movie. So the Christian God never existed. Fuck that shit. Ancient Greek times. Yes. Okay. Hey, man, it's more interesting to me than watching fucking Claflin in the last movie bitching about the love of Jesus.

You are correct. You are correct. But go all the way. Give me Atlantis. Yeah. Yeah. But also, if you, if you give me firm shit instead of wet shit, I'm not like happy. You'll be happy with my firm shit, Chris Cabin. Andrew Juppen's firm shit. And this is, there's a fucking disgusting moment right here where Sparrow's like walking around St. Martin, like still just really super, wasted and he face plants and like a pile of shit and then goes into this bar still

covered and shit. I like how that he destroys an entire building and stays in town. Yep. Yep. But I guess he's too drunk or fucked up to even know. Yeah. I think that might be something there. I don't

even remember what happened with that vault. I wasn't even trying to ride that house that way. You know, man, I used to be the captain of the black pearl you ever hear about it i didn't think so man bruce clever as the fucking as a as a pirate makes much more sense yeah it's me captain salazar man the weird thing is like they specifically cast his captain salazar i like it we set up a lab in the quarters man we're doing great oh man the fin

Chip comes in in three weeks. We got to hit it hard, man. Now remember, we can't eat that one because then it'll all go in the water and that's a no, no. Oh, man, Jack Sparrow stole my head again, man. There was a mention of like one of the crew members of Barbosa actually that only says Salazar as salamander and I'm like this Bruce Glover would be captain salamander. here I am man the slippery is pirate in the high seas I'm always slippery

because I'm going through withdrawals you can't catch me with my cold sweat slip through your hands again of the salamander most pirates you know they got a bird on their shoulder or a monkey or something

I have a hippopotamus with me and well you know not much crew but I got a hippopotamus man I do love I mean the weird thing is they don't play this

Jack Sparrow thing as sad when he does it you know what I mean it's not even comical either it's just sort of like give me a bottle of rum I don't have here I'll suck you dick for it

I'll suck your dick for rum yeah but this part where he gives a the magic compass that he's been fucking he's been loving that fucking thing for all these movies he gives it up for a bottle of rum or whatever this is

meanwhile we just saw him get a fucking gold coin out of that fucking vault yeah that's enough for three bottles of rum at least I would think does he still have it though like maybe one of those other dudes like took it instead or something I don't know I don't remember that happening but maybe

it fell in that pile of shit that he fell in back there Gibbs lifted it yeah it's oh that pig got it you think maybe oh the pig was eating it yeah um but yeah so this dude you know the guy says something like show me he's like how about a bottle of rum and the guy's like show me your silver uh and you know because jack sparrow is a pirate he's not used to financial transactions in such a way so he's a little confused at first um and then he's like all right like how about a barter he gives this dude the compass and when he puts it down on the table so this

card i insert it or do i slide is it a tag is this touchless? Yeah, it is a chip. Oh, it is a chip, love. Where do I put that? Bend over and I'll show. Here, let me wipe it off for you. Okay, put it back in. Oh, damn, I got to remember what zip code I had when I started the card.

I got to tell you, man, that is a real pleasure of having moved but stayed in the same zip code. Oh, bless it. Because it would be at least another two years before I got everything turned over. Sure, yeah. Magnetic strips a little bent there, love. Let me just take that again. Tony, Tony, yeah, we're having problems with the machine again. Tony, could you come here?

Yeah, this guy's trying to tell me that my card's no good at this ATM, man. And I feel like just tipping it over in this tavern. Mr. Glover, you're using a Barnes & Noble gift card. Oh, not again, man. The Barnes & Noble booksellers, they're probably back for. Pirate Times, right? That's when they were founded. Oh, yeah, Mr. Barnes and Mr. Noble. But so when he puts this compass

down, everything starts shaking, sort of a throwback to that first movie when the amulet falls into the water and it sends a message to Barbosa. You know, everything starts shaking here. And now Salazar and his crew are freed from the triangle because Jack has given up, he's given away the

compass. Yes. And now they can go and they know where to go and they start like just fucking raising hell on the high seas. By the way, this is Jack Spower responsible for like hundreds of pirate debts at least. Absolutely. All for a bottle of booze, dude. It's pretty sad when you think about it. Yeah, but

like also how did this curse even happen again? So, I mean, but we'll get to that flashback scene, but like it's just the area like on this part of the ocean, you might get a curse. Well, it's a it's the, what he called it? The Bermuda Triangle and that's... Well, I think, I think I think someone somewhere is holding the copyright to that

because this is the devil's triangle. That's right. It's me again. Larry Cohen. I own the Bermuda Triangle. I'm having sex with Amelia Earhart, love. Savvy. Oh, inside the devil's triangle, time means nothing.

Exactly. So a woman from the 20th century flies back to 1760. Yeah, he's just drinking with some people from like a passenger jet. It's a bunch of tourists thinking they're on their way to vacation. Oh, thank you, Carl. So Sparrow is found by Bruce Bens and their guys. And Bruce Spence is like,

I cannot believe you fucking stayed in town. Well, now that we've caught you, it's the death penalty. Yeah, so now that it's both him and Karina are about to get executed. In the jail cell, Henry shows up, and he meets up with Jack Sparrow and they have a conversation here.

They make their pact kind of a thing. Yes, he's like, you know, I am the son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan, and it's kind of great. He's like, you're the evil spawn of them two? And I was like, yep, be suspicious of this child, Jack Sparrow. They do insist on continuing the joke

of him calling Will Turner a eunuch, which is like, dude, it wasn't fucking funny in the first one. Yeah, absolutely. And you have to kind of remember that, too. You're like, the fuck's this guy talking about? It's such a blink and you miss a thing. And at this point, it's 2017.

And you're like, is that a fucking Game of Thrones joke? Like, what are you talking about? Hey, Jack, do me a favor. Write down your address, the date, and the time for me, okay? And I'm going to take a look at that. But yeah, so Salazar is firmly on his way to kill Jack Sparrow with his army of the dead. And as Henry explains to Jack, hey, man, the Trident of Poseidon is your only hope because I guess this, I mean, this is, as far as like DeiSX dumb magical things, this is the tops, I think. It's basically, hey, whoever controls the Trident controls the sea and then all curses in the ocean will be broken.

Isn't that convenient, everybody? Yeah, it's, it. Yes, it is. At least like the Fountain of Youth was very specific and I wouldn't call it grounded, but it is like we need, we want to do these kinds of things and it only does this certain thing and it's really specific all the way through. Here it's just like, I don't know, there's a magic thing and a magic place and it does magic. Well, and it's so just, you know, this amorphous object that there's even a part towards the end

of the movie where someone says like, someone says to Harvey Obridem, like don't do whatever, you know, it's not a, it's not going to work or it's going to kill you, whatever it is. And he's like, oh, don't worry, the Trident will fix that. And I'm like, well, the fuck do you know. That wasn't on the list of things the Trident is supposed to do

from the beginning of the movie. Triedent's got it. It's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Triedent. Triedent. Cheat on your wife. Up, ab, bap. Triedent. We make that deal, you know, the eve of the execution here. We cut to, man, this is kind of great.

Here is Hector Barbosa fucking living it up. Imp style on this ship, dude. Oh, he's having a great time. Because he's made a pirate. They're like, I feel like once a week, they're like, oh, do you want to go after the curse of old man something's

something or other? Well, no, I'd rather go get gold. I'd rather actually, yeah. I don't want to, you want to find the fountain of something that's going to give you immortal. I just, I'd rather get a lot of money. Yeah. He looks great. His whole crew is well dressed. It's finally nice to see them do pirating by the way i noticed online people had pointed out that i was

incorrectly pronouncing his name through all these episodes is barbarossa yep and it's not because i'm a stupid guy or that i mispronounce things it was actually a joke i've been working on oh is that right yeah that's right and i think it'll go a little something like this okay so uh ought to call him barbarosa because like the access operation to invade the soviet union How's that going, babe? This guy's all bluster, cha-cha. Where am I? That's the news that I am out of here.

I'm glad that that took over a month for you to construct that. I didn't know I was saying it wrong today. I'm glad that Barbosa, at least, is getting into interior design. This place looks fucking incredible. He's got golden skeletons up near where the entryway is, and he has like a hellfire mural behind him. It's just magnificent. It's great.

The skulls, like, when did he become, like, a fucking, like, monster? Like, what are these, oh, all be skulls and souls? Yeah, I mean, that's kind of like, you know, um... Absolute power corrupts, absolutely, I guess, is that? Sure, I was going to say, you know, there are those people that really love Halloween. Okay. You know, like, folks that are really obsessed with, like, the nightmare before Christmas and shit like that. I just think that that's Barbosa, dude.

He's like, you know what? I'm a pirate, but it doesn't mean I can't also have a ghoulish sensibility. Also, people who love their work and are great at their work are always changing it up. Yeah, that's a good point. They have to, you know, find new things to do. Well, that's a good point because at the end of the first movie, the fourth movie, he's like, he gets control of Blackbeard ship. He gets a sword and everyone's like, oh, here we go. It's going to be some hellish thing.

It's like, no, dude, we're all going to go to Tortuga to get drunk. And that's how he fostered a great business plan. Like, he's got a great team behind him. you know what I mean he treats them well he pays them fairly he was finally going to tortuga to recruit people to be on his crew and it wasn't just a ruse to like get a bunch of drunks and feed them to davy jones like in previous recruiting scenes we've seen on tortuga I do also love when you see like it's not just his quarters on the ship but like everything outside like on the deck there's just tons of jewels and shit and the colors there's like bright blues and these like really rich purses. purples and reds just like shining everywhere. That's a great point because this whole fucking franchise has been so gray and dark and yes, treasure, it's bright.

And honestly, some of these ocean shots are very bright too. It's very appreciated. It's great, dude. A lot of clarity to everything that's going on here, which is really, really helpful compared to what we just went through with Stranger Tides. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I mean, this is where

one thing I have to say about Javier Bredenda, Salazar. A thing that happens to make you think that it's eerie that he's that Salazar is about to be there is there is there's a flock of half dead pigeon chickens that

are like just flapping around and like they try to make this really ominous and I'm like it looks I mean it just looks like a dead chicken I think they're like buzzards or something I think they eat the dead maybe you're talking about there's that there's a great scene where there's just some random ship

and like dudes are like fishing or something and then the bird lands on the guy's boat. He's like, what's that? And Salazar, like, rams them? I think it might have been one of, because it's Admiral Barbosa now, and he's got multiple ships. They do come into that cabin and tell him that three of his ships

that has already been sunk. So I just assume maybe this was one of his. Maybe it's not. I mean, it's... Yeah, I don't know. It's just hard to take him seriously when he's like, oh, yes, here he comes. The dead chicken will tell his tale. I don't know, man. It kind of looks like the chicken from Gumby. What?

The chicken from Gombie. Remember Tilly the chicken? Yes, I did. Where it's just this like, yeah. You know, just like a, like the robot chicken from robot chicken, but it's like covered in oil. I mean, this one's not talking like Tom Waits.

So that's, that's true. Right. People might not know. We have a tier on Patreon where we talk about cartoons and we did Gumby the other month and there was an evil chicken on it. It was. It was evil, dude. So yeah.

By the way, the two. dudes that are like, hey, some ships in your fleet have been destroyed, are the two like know-it-all British guys from the very first movie that at the, at the time of the third movie, we're like pretending to be pirates because like Beckett was getting fucking killed. And now they're like just, they are straight up. They have made the transformation into pirates. Uh, whole hog. They're now like more convincingly dressed as pirates and more convincingly carrying themselves at pirates, I guess is the idea.

I love that Barbosa's listening to that string quartet when the two guys come in to inform him and they don't stop playing and he's got to fucking fire the gun at the wall to get them to shut up. I do, I mean, apparently McKenzie Crook and everybody else or a lot of the other pirates were asked

to be in this movie and a lot of them declined because of quote unquote scheduling conflicts, i.e. like money. Like, I think it was just, there was a real hard cap on what they were going to pay those dudes. yeah it's so funny I read that too and it's just kind of like

I don't know I mean yeah of course you have every right to be thinking you're not being paid that well or maybe you're just tired of doing these movies you are already in three of them I don't know I feel like I'm not turning down a working vacation you know to go on location

to do these things not that this movie was filmed in the Caribbean but they weren't they weren't exactly missed no no no no not at all and it might be different if the last movie you made wasn't the most expensive movie ever made. Yeah. I think that's the thing is

like you try to play hardball and like either you're playing chicken and sometimes you get to you never getting fucked. Yeah, I guess that's true. Now here's the scene that I don't understand, the character that I do not understand is this uh, Shansa woman. So Salazar

this is a useless character. Why even have it? I don't get like because she's with Barbosa like Barbosa goes to her first. That's the introduction to this woman. But then we also see her later talking with the naval guys. And I'm like, who is this person? She's like, I don't know. She's working for the British government or something because Barbosa bribes a British officer to see her.

That's right. Okay. Yeah, I do remember that because she's like locked away somewhere and he gives the dude a sack of coins. Do you know who that is? I do not. That is Adam Driver's wife and Patterson. Oh, wow. Wow.

Weird. That's a really good movie. Yeah, totally. it's another woman of color that we have to make into a monster because you just can't have it in this movie that cannot have it but she's got really piercing eyes I think that's something that is really forward about hers and like she's just a witch that knows how to get to Davy Jones

and like oh not David Jones Salazar we're talking about this time how to get to Salazar it's a different cleop what is the thing with this woman like at the start of this scene where Jeffrey Rush goes in she's like cooking up something and she drinks it and it just straight up looks like the ectoplasm at the beginning of the first Ghostbusters movie?

Like the shit that Bill Murray gets all over his hands that's what it looks like she's drinking and I was like the fuck you doing lady It's just magic magic Bush. She is kind of magicing right here Because she's got a hot cauldron going She fucking throws that live rat right into it That was kind of cool.

Hot cauldron I thought they closed that place down What were magicing? You didn't call me? I love to magic. She gives Barbosa the compass. Oh, right. It is what it is. And, you know, it's one of those, like, Barbosa's, like, say, I would wager.

This used to be in the possession of a bar keep because Jack Spara traded it for booze. How did you get it? And it's just one of those, I have my ways. Like, just fucking say you robbed somebody. Or, you know, a deleted scene, me, me hearty. Oh, the SS deleted scene. or it's just that the HMS deleted scene, excuse me. Those pages

are on the writer's room for me lady. On the writer's room deck. But yeah, so Barbosa's like, all right, cool, I'm going to go off to intercept Salazar here is the idea. Or no, he's going Salazar intercepts him

I think is the idea, but he is going he's got the compass, he's going to go find Jack Sparrow. In the meantime, Jack Sparrow is about to be executed as is this Karina woman. And as Jack Sparrow is, is being dragged down the hallway to be executed. I have to say, I love the man. I love the man. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.

This is one of the dumbest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, who is this guy? Are you kidding me? No, who is it? It's Paul McCartney. I'm playing Uncle Jack? Who's Paul McCartney? Oh, no. He's doing a joke about the film yesterday. I thought for a second, Steve Sadeg legitimately did not recognize Sir Paul McCartney. And I almost had a heart attack.

His legacy has been erased since he was in this movie. I mean, they, here's the thing. They advertised the hell out of the fact that Keith Richards was in that.

Starting with that third movie. And I'm with Steve. I don't remember that fourth movie even really coming out. So I don't know if Keith Richards was in those trailers too, even though he's in the movie. He is because he's the one,

he does like the intro to the trailer. Oh, that's dumb. Sit down, me heart. we're about to watch a film trailer but like I don't remember hearing boo about Paul McCarty in this movie and it's just like

what are you thinking I think I remembered it vaguely when I saw him but I totally forgot about it I remember this movie I at least kind of remember the trailer it was like ominous and what he called there it's Javier Bardem doing a bunch of shit and I was like they're still making these

but I at least remembered it the last one I do not remember even a single trailer It's right of God. But so Are you saying that Paul McCartney was in one of the trailers? No, no, no, no. But I mean, I just

this one I'm more aware of I remember vaguely that Paul McCrachar- Like, internet rumblings, oh, Paul McCartney, blah, blah, blah. Gotcha, gotcha. This movie is only from a few years ago somehow. Yes. Somehow.

This came out in 2017. It's insane. This was the first Pirates movie of the Trump presidency. But yeah, so it's just, it's Paul McCartney's like, Jack Sparrow? And then Paul McCartney-era Johnny Depp is like, Uncle Jack.

And I'm like, oh, my God. And it's just poor Paul McCartney is like just making these terrible jokes and like, oh, you're being executed. Who's your executioner? Oh, that guy is great. Like he's getting a fucking haircut. I did not appreciate this comedy. Like, ask for so-and-so, mention my name and he won't cut your feet off. Like, get the fuck out of here.

Paul McCartney does have one good joke in this, that Skeleton goes into a bar, orders a beer and a mop. Which is something I feel, that's not like an original joke. And I want to say, Paul McCartney may have said that elsewhere. That hilarious joke. Well, is it about him? Because Paul is dead, right? It's an imposter here. Aye, I, little Jackie, you know what happened?

Me and my gang were trying to run away and we got caught. we were you might say bandits on the run well done my favorite part of this whole sequence is when he's like all right Jackie I'll talk to you later I've been trying to get this shit kicked out of me for days but we get really bad service here

it's like what are you up to in that cell dude I get like just all of these jokes about how like this character is acting like he's at a restaurant or a barbershop or something it's just it was impossible to make this funny for me. Yeah, dementia's not funny.

No. Unless, of course, it's coming from me. President Jonathan, what's my name? Jay, I don't know, Trump. The, so if it's Jonathan. Donald J. I don't know what stands for. No one does.

I'm Fred Jr. Oh, no, Fred Jr.'s my dead brother. Where's Rudy? And where is my hydroxy Glyquine? I, I, President, Rupert Pumpkin, wait, that's not it. I'll get it. Give me a second.

So they're being executed, and it's this kind of funny thing where they're arguing, like, across the, you know, they're on two execution platforms. She's going to be hung. There's a whole thing about, oh, there's a new invention called the guillotine, and he chooses that as his method of execution, not knowing what it is. Nice to give you an option. Yeah, exactly. And I do like, there was a funny gag here where he's like, oh, you know, geez, I didn't know that's what a guillotine was. You know, why don't you stone me? Like a good old fashioned stoning.

And they start dragging him towards it. He says, I'd kill to be stoned right now. And I was like, I am right there with you, Jack Sparrow. Let's finish this movie. Yeah, I think that's why every time I keep hearing Andrews say, awesome movie and really cool. Excuse me. excuse me it's underlined in a green pen

I'll have what he's having I'll have what he's having thank you go back to the fucking videotape and find where I said awesome movie I'll give you a hundred dollars awesome movie

but I love I do I do love the sequence and actually I think he has this is a good sequence actually the whole guillotine thing. It's pretty great. Karina's actually a pretty strong, fun lead. I like this back and forth she has with him here about like murder procedures

and who should be murdered first. It's like very Monty Python-almost. Yes. Yeah, totally. It's certainly better than, oh, you're fingering me. Oh, good. This is a joke. Me being fingered is a joke. I didn't remember that Monty Python's. Oh, that's coming up next. Yes. Stop fingering

that dead parrot. this bleeding parrot's been fingered already and then an animated foot falls down on them and so of course Turner swings in during all of this and just it's kind of a funny like they film him when he takes the initial

jump and it's this heroic like that da da da da and then he like swings past both of them repeatedly which is kind of funny yeah I guess I mean it felt like too much it felt like Spider-Man almost here with this rope I like Spider-Man. It was way over the top

when all of these villagers were like, hey, you mess with Henry Turner, you mess with all of us. And a dude and a cab came by. I couldn't even believe that. But Matt's hat seemed inachronistic. I don't know why Jim Norton was there even at all.

I'll be honest. Oh, excellent. But yeah, this whole action sequence of them, you know, escaping and everything I think is pretty great. I do love the he's swinging around and the guillotine's like almost hitting him in the neck

and it's good. It's super fun. I think it's this is this part again where just and again there's no magic or mysticism. It's just a what could happen to pirates in a fun port and that's kind of cool. And this is to Christmas point Henry saves Karina from the

guillotine, the guillotine the door drops. He grabs her to keep her from breaking her neck and this is when she's like, um you're inside me right now or whatever the joke is. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like where your hands are. Oh, because it's like, oh, Morton Stern and all sorts of jokes.

Oh, yeah. I don't... You're fucking... Go cram it up my poop deck back there. I don't necessarily know that it translates to a fingering joke, but I'll give it to you. Yeah, it was about anal, really. That's what it is. He says something like, oh, you know, I'm just a stranger

to you. And she's like, well, where your hands are, you can't be a stranger anymore or something like that. It's like... Then he moves it and you hear like, sink. And it's like, what? What? In this movie, want? Man, sound design is great in this movie.

And that's the Academy Award. And that's the Academy Award. He shakes his head. You hear a splat. But the reason the whole kerfuffle really get started is because Gibbs and Co. Woo! Are back. They're firing all these fucking cannons at the platforms.

It's pretty great. And we come to find out. Because Jack's like, oh, you came back for me. And Gibbs is like, no, you piece of shit. This Turner kid's paying us to do it. Which is kind of fun. And they kind of set sail here, sort of right? This is kind of it.

Yeah, they get onto this little ship called what, the dying gull? Yes. They all, yeah, they get out of the fracas there and they go back to the ship that we first met them all on. That's like sort of up on the beach. And there's a whole gag about like, this is also a very national. pleasure, by the way. Like the boat, they're like, all right, we're going to set sail, here we go. And they like cut a thing

and the boat starts flying down this ramp, you know, I don't know what you, like a like a Rube Goldberg machine almost. Yes. Yeah. We, of course, in the classic tradition of this franchise, they start and stop of everything, we have to stop the boat

going into the water because there's a rope there and the gag is like, oh, now what are we going to do? And then the rope breaks and they continue. And it's like, okay, we could have just kept going. And they get out to see, they tie up those, they tie up Turner and the girl there. It's kind of a weird turn to do, but. Yeah, I don't know why they do either. Like, they're not like enemies.

They're friends. I mean, they're friends. I mean, Gibbs was literally paid by them. Yes, exactly. They're tied up, but it's just another reason for them to be close to each to one another kind of a thing. Blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, Barbosa and Salazar meet. And this is where you could have had a parlor.

mention, honestly. Sure. The catchphrase. Come on. Like savvy. You're bringing everything back. Just bring that back too. Why not? Right. Have actual cuckbeard. The original I forget his name, Norrington. Yeah. Bring him back. He's a ghost now.

Oh, that's who cuckbeard was. Right. Norrington. There's been so many movies. It's been, I mean, how many hours have we talked about this franchise by now? A lot. Half a day? It's been a lot. It's been a lot, but it almost feels like it hasn't because of the quarantine. Now I'm wondering, should we just start over?

Oh, that's a good idea. Every five more weeks. Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl, Part 2. Yeah. We're reevaluating. You keep talking like that. I'm going to make you do the night at the museum movies. Oh, Jesus. Oh, fuck. Dude, I am game for some little people running around. Hell yeah. I'm a little, I'm a little cowboy. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Wow. Are they tiny? in that movie? I think some people are tiny at least. Yeah, some people are tiny. Oh, that's dumb. I haven't

seen a single one of those movies. There's what three of them? There's three of them. Uh-huh. Okay. That's great. Coming up next week. Yeah, you never, hey man, you never know. So Barbosa, like Salazar boards the ship and Barbosa's like, hey man, I got this fucking compass, dude, I can take you

right to Jack Sparrow. I know how to get to Jack Sparrow. Give me until sunrise tomorrow to get you to Jack Sparrow. And if I don't do it, I swear to God, you can kill me. I do love this part with the Javier Bredemman. It's not, he doesn't have sword hands. He's got sword crutches, I think.

Yes, that he's using. And this is when he starts, like, every time I tap the floor, I'll kill someone, which is kind of fun. I thought this was pretty badass, dude. He's just like, tap and like one of Barbosa's dudes gets murdered. Not those two annoying dudes, though. Those guys make

it somehow. That's pretty dumb. Like, kill one of those guys. I just don't get the crutches. though. Like, you're keeping an injury in the afterlife? Yeah, I agree with that. I mean, that's a great point because one of those chickens you describe them as has, there's like a missing leg and it's walking around fine. Yeah, I don't get the, and like all the

the handcuffed thing that is a person, I guess. That one is also just normally walking, it seems. Let's get skags also. He's walking around. He had polio before he died. Oh, I see. Oh, there you go. we should actually just specify they are not in the afterlife Chris Cabin they are clearly members of the

undead I of course out there I slandered them sort of around where we get the flashback or whatever the fuck with the uh yeah we can just jump to that he gives a shit it's really it's it's really not great but this is where

they're sailing to find Jack and and so there's like okay we got some time to kill here let's throw in some backstory. So Salazar, this is where he explains about his parents, or his father, rather, hunted pirates. He worked in the Spanish Navy hunting pirates. Pirates have no place in this world, blah, blah, blah. The thing that I

thought was a bit of bullshit, though, here, they do this flashback. Like, I understand for most of the movie, you know, he's around like Jeffrey Rush and these other pirates or whatever, but The scenes where it's the Spanish Navy hunting pirates in this flashback, and it's, it's, it's, uh, it's Javier Bardam, you know, just looking like handsome old Javier Bardam, have this dude speak Spanish. Have these guys speak in Spanish right here. Wrong.

It's the first movie in the Trump presidency. Yeah, I mean, I, who knows? But it just, it was like, I don't know, man. Let him speak Spanish. It would be great. Not only that, just give me more Javier Bardam as an alive guy. Yes. He looks pretty good.

as an alive guy. He could be in one of these, one of this fucking thing, you guys love, the Peter Weir movie there, Master and Commander. It looks like he could be, you know,

in a sequel to one of those. Aren't there a bunch of those books? There are, but the first one did not do well. Oh, so we'll never see it again. No. But it's incredible and you should see it.

Right. I mean, Russell Crow could never play that role now. Oh, man. How I saw Russell Crow in that fucking not great Kelly Gang movie? I mean, me, which is not good

for Russell Crow. In Master and Commander, like two, he could play the anchor. The cook, he'd be perfect for the cook. You're going to need more balustrades, love. More. More butter, captain.

I need more butter. That I'd watch. Yes. Yes. They have to find, like, this, the mythical sea cow to milk it and ferment. Your honor, does this look like, a pirate who had all he could eat. Oh, yes, it does. So, yeah, so there's a pirate ship

that comes up and little Jack Sparrow is on this pirate ship. Dude, this de-aging of Johnny Depp, he looks like fucking Elite a battle angel. Oh, dude, you cut my, that's exactly my nose. Is it? Oh, really? Yes. I finally did it to someone else. He looks, but he does, though. It's insane. I couldn't even believe it. I was so big. It just, the mouth is wrong.

I mean, again, like, especially like... Because he's young and wide-eyed. And I think... He's got a mouth for days. Guardians, too, looks, is a bit better with this, but, like, it's hard when you know what the actor used to look like. I know what a 20-year-old Johnny Depp looks like, because I know what fucking 21 Jump Street is or Nightmare and Elm Street. Like, yeah, totally. At first, I thought they recast him because I thought like it didn't look correct.

I was like, well, at least the nose, I thought the nose looked off, but maybe I was wrong. Looks like a real doll version of Jack Sparrow. Oh, yes, which probably definitely exists. Oh, it's at the Disney gift shop, dude. You can get it. Oh, my God. It's the Disney gift shop like at Walt Disney World, but there's a fucking beaded curtain doorway.

Or maybe saloon doors that you had to go through. Clean the poop tech. Poop decks. I get to even say it, my lord. There's a real doll Jessica Rabbit and a real doll Johnny Depp. You know, we're getting everybody. We're taking care of everybody. That's hot.

Yeah. One of those I would entertain, one of those I would not. Try to guess which one. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I want a Bob Hoskins real ball. Dude. Eh, eh, eh, eh. They make noises.

Every, every Eddie valiant real doll, the fingers and mouth is steeped in cigar smoke, just to give you a real idea of what it would be like. And you can just have a tape recorder going. I just put it up to your ear while you're fucking it. And it says, Roger. Roger. Dude, they give you a, he's dressed in a shirt that is pre-stained with whiskey.

So, yeah, so they started, Salazar starts attacking the ship that Depp is on. And they're, they're sort of, they're sailing towards the, uh, the devil's triangle there. And Johnny Depp is a, uh, met by, I guess it's, captain of this ship who's been gravely injured and this guy this dying dude gives the compass to jack and says never betray it which we already know he deaf did and fucked this whole thing up and you couldn't get like somebody of note to play his like the guy who taught jack sparrow how to pirate yeah totally dude i mean we got all these famous musicians in these movies where was fucking boz skacks we see none of that but we see like oh and that's how he got the hat oh dude

the end how he got that. Did we say how he killed Salazar here? He kind of like just kind of, we're getting to right now. He does the Frank Costanza. Ooh, I stopped short. He definitely does stop short. I mean, it's kind of cool. Like, so he's taunting Salazar.

And the Salazar narration is great here. He's like, this boy was mucking me, which is fucking hilarious. The boat, by the way. A little bird in the crow's nest. And he earned his name Jack Sparrow. Yeah, yeah. And dude, that is a real fucking. solo and Han Solo moment there.

I don't need to know how characters got names. It's not interesting. It's for fucking, you know, the real dedicated nerds to just start ribbon elbows. Oh, dude, they're just a Sparrow. You might wonder

where big Dick Harry got his name. Well, let me tell you. No, no, no, I got it. I got it. Whoa, that's a big one. The boat, by the way, the ship. His father's name was Richard, he was very large.

the ship is the wicked wench by the way we learn so yeah Sparrow's like taunting this dude he's like oh yeah your horse's ass you want to get me come on him so they're heading towards the devil's triangle and Jack basically tells his dudes to throw

some lines against a rope and they basically make the ship caught a hard left and Salazar's kind of car with his pants down here and they wind up flying into the devil's triangle and you see them hitting this thing. This sequence is pretty cool.

I like all the effects here. The CGI is kind of nice. A lot of explosions and stuff, and this is how you see some of these guys really get torn into shit. Question mark, though. What is making it explode? I have no idea. Well, I think they're supposed to be, there's like, you see them hit a bunch of jagged rocks and I think

what's happening. Their magic rocks? No, jagged rocks. But they are also magic, because it looks like there's lava water. Or a long part. Yeah, well, it is a, it's a fantastical place called the Devil's Triangle. But I think part of the explosions are supposed to be there's a bunch of gunpowder that's getting set off.

Like they have barrels of gunpowder on the ship and that's all like blowing. You know what? Give me a couple stupid little golems like running around this place. Why not? Sure. Let's do it. Let's get some monsters. Yeah, we could have used some monsters in this cave or whatever. That would have been kind of cool. But yeah, so to thank him, you know, now he's just made like

the new captain of the wicked wench, Jack Sparrow is. And yeah, this is all these dudes start paying tribute right here. And yep, oh my God. Couldn't you believe it? The origin of the hat. Yes. You know, for five... Yeah, thank you.

Yep, give it up. You got to give it up for the hat origin. For five movies, I've been just fucking scratching my noodle about this hat. Where'd you get it? You wonder, a kid. It means you gotta like it. I think there should be a very detail-oriented person on every film crew who, before they actually go into shooting the film,

you know still in pre-production this person's job is to constantly be asking the question would anybody give a shit and so when you get to moments like this in the screenplay where it's like and that ladies and gentlemen is the origin of Jack Sparrow's hat and then someone pipes in

and goes excuse me yes it's it's me to call the would anybody give a shit intern would anybody give a shit about this? You're fired! Get the fuck out of here! Of course they do. To escape his home planet he has to give himself a face

new name, which is since he's alone, it's Han Solo. Excuse me, Lord and Miller, would anybody give a shit? No. But that's why we were fired and now this is a Ron Howard joined.

One good thing about that scene is I like that like plump Imperial officer. Yeah. Whatever. He's a bit thick with two scenes, dude. There's not enough like, you know, oafish loafs in the empire shown in those movies. totally yeah i need more loaves in the star wars

it's federation because in empire that there's a couple of fat dudes in that get murdered by uh what he called there what's his face uh darth vader and we can't we can't what's his what's it's i'm talking about fucking salas no here's the thing is like when they were making

revenge of the Sith would anyone care just in general just in general across the board would anyone give his shit you know what I'd rather see um Darth Vader

We also can't forget, of course, one of the fattest heroes in cinema, Porkin's. Of course. Yes, fat hero. Fat legend. That war hero. That's how you fix revenge. Just by the way. Absolutely.

As you make the fucking emperor fat as fuck. Oh, dude. Just a huge, like the fat vampire from Blade. Oh, wow. I love that. How about Porkins joining the rebellion and they're like, well, you're about yourself? I don't know. You're kind of a fat guy.

How about Porkins? You know, I can't use your real name. Social Security Empire traces that. I do, I was mildly amused by Karina trying to explain to them science. Like, she's trying to explain to pirates what astronomers are. And she also says that she's a

horologist. Yeah. Which I don't know what that means, but they all keep thinking she's saying that she's a whore. Yeah, a prostitute. It's a real fun joke. And it goes on forever. But there is a lot of, because her whole thing is like, she's an astronomer and like the map is in the stars and blah, blah, blah. Like, it's a map no man

can reach. Like, yes, because the woman can read. A little something there. But yeah, we should say that the map is, she's following the stars. Yes. Is the idea. She's analyzed this Galileo journal or whatever the fuck that is.

And has determined that they got to follow this course with the stars and everything. Meanwhile, now, Barbosa has indeed tracked them down so he will not be murdered when we come back from the flashback. And instead, Salazar starts racing down to get Sparrow because they are also heading towards land is the idea. Hangman Bay. Yes, which I think might be from the ride. Is that right? That sounds right.

I'm going to read it out. You know what? I just, you know, I took a cue from Andrew. Right after I watched this, I put on YouTube and I watched someone film. going through the ride. Oh, yeah. That ride fucking sucks. Yeah, right?

It's terrible. It looks boring as shit. Like nothing happens. There's no hang men there. I'll say it again. It is just a wet hall of presidents. It really is. I mean, if I was there,

I would totally do it because it's like the kitch factor of it all. But I saw a version that had blackbeard in it and Jack Sparrow. Oh, is it Ian McShane blackbeard? Yeah, but it's only like voiceover and he's like projected on like, like a mist or a waterfall thing before you go into like another section of the ride. Interesting. I didn't notice that part. I just love that

the, maybe I already am reusing this joke, but the the Jack Sparrow puppet that is in that ride sounds like one of the like broken robots at Chuckie cheese. It's the real doll with his real dick. That's what they got it from. Disney land after

duck. Oh, fuck yeah. Dude, get out of the park kid. I mean, if it's between a dry hall of presidents and a wet hall of presidents, guess what I'm taking. I mean, that's a great point. I'm taking wet. I mean, because I went to the dry hall of presents and that shit sucked. Yeah, why would you want to do that? A more, it's about to get so much better, kids.

A fun, kitsy thing to do at Disney that's very similar. It's another animatronic thing is something of the future. It's like, it's basically, it's like 20 minutes. You're just kind of watching all these animatronics learn what the future is. It's kind of fun. Isn't that the world of tomorrow? The world of tomorrow. Thank you very much. But isn't it like incredibly dated? Because it was like conceived in the 60s. Exactly. That's that's the that's the kitchfactor.

Oh, the kitchfactor. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, well, now we have all. I could use a microwave. Like that kind of stuff. I think that's part of that the center of that Tomorrowland movie. Oh. Oh, is that right? I have not seen a second of that movie. And I kind of don't even know what it's about. It's there's parts of it that aren't bad, but it's, a really stupid movie.

You know, that's funny. When I was working at Showtime, what distributor was that? Was that Disney? That's Disney. They just sent it to me for free on Blu-ray as like, hey, thanks to the business, blah, blah, and I still haven't fucking watched it.

That sounds about right. George Clooney's like the fucking Wizard of Oz in that movie or something? He's like some godlike engineer. It's not worth talking about, honestly. Fair enough. What is worth talking about is the too little too late,

very dumb zombie sharks that happen. What are they? Right here. So Salazar is pissed off because they're not going to make it to sparrow in time. And by the way, the

pirate ghosts also cannot step on dry land. Have you heard of that one yet? Yeah. But these sharks, they're in the ship. They push them out into the water. It's like was he a fucking shark enthusiast in life? Was he like, oh yeah, and I'm collecting sharks

to bring back to Spain? Yeah, I don't know. Or if like they found these things in the devil's triangle and I don't know they took devil shark I don't know it is sort of weird that they're just hanging out in

the you know undercarriage of the ship or whatever but so he Jack Sparrow winds up fucking kind of water skiing with one of these sharks he saves the kid who's like swimming his way to shore Karina has already been like hey fuck you two

because that fucking crazy pirate that's coming for us only wants Jack Sparrow they don't care about me I'm going to swim to shore. And then, yeah, everybody just, it's, you know, unable to step on land. I do love that her reaction is just screaming ghosts. Yeah, it's about right. It's finally a real fucking reaction to some of this paranormal stuff.

This is when, for some reason, we have this dumb wedding scene. This is, I, uh, I don't know. We've been talking about like, oh, we've been looking forward to this movie because it is the shortest of the movies. It's still two hours and nine minutes, and I know which nine minutes I would cut. You know what I mean? I just don't get it. I don't understand why this has to be. The guy that he meets, who he owes money to, it seems, is named Pig Kelly.

Good old pig, dude. Do they all get like animal names? That'd be kind of cool. Yeah, sure. Like if you live on this island, do you mean? Yeah, horse gibbs. So this is animal crossing? they get to an animal crossing island so pig Kelly is like look I will wave your god damn

the money you owe me's gone but you have to do something worse you hear me you have to marry my ugly sister you hear that and out comes there's nothing but trouble fucking reject yeah dude totally and then I just when she makes her debut I wrote in my notes what is with this Well, I think the thing is, half of it was, like, originally it's written just as a fat joke. But like, well, we got to do it. We got to make a fat joke. People get mad. So, like, what if she's, like, throwing up the whole time?

Like, okay. And I think she is, what is the, like, disease you get when, like, all you're eating is. Yeah, yeah. She's definitely suffering from scabies, which is just disgusting. And she's got kids, mate. I don't do kids. Yeah. Love savvy.

Oh, right. She's like, you're going to have to raise each. little once and she's like some widow or something. I mean, never have I been more thankful to see Jeffrey Rush's Barbosa in all my days than right now. He just murders this dude and like they kind of get away and they're like, well, and Barbosa reveals that he's double crossing Salazar and that he wants to try it for himself or whatever the fuck and yada, yada yada,

rule the seven C's. But first we have to have a ship and Johnny Debs like, oh yeah, I got this thing from the last movie. Remember that? Remember this? You hear about this? Yeah, I got the Black Pearl, but it's stuck in a ship, a ship in a bottle. It's kind of like that police song, right? And I've never been able to get it out. He's like, well, you didn't have me magic's yard.

And I'm like, dude, can I go, can I leave? It's like this movie, like the movie really is not. Can I get partial credit for this movie? It does not at any point really reference that last movie until this moment. And he's got to be like, yeah, remember how I took black. Blackbeard's ship and his magic sard. Well, here it is again. I'm like, yeah, I guess vaguely from last week, I remember that.

Continue. I would rather you do a Jay Leno routine then bring that up again, honestly. You know what that movie was? Jesus Christ. It's just useless to do. Just have it. It happened. It got stolen.

We got a pirated back from other people, whatever. Or in the beginning of the movie, he's just got the black pearl. And that's it. Like, it happened. Oh, well, we sure did solve that problem. in between these movies, you know what I mean? That's why, like I said last week, man, it would have been better in that previous

movie if he just fucking uncorked the bottle. I wonder what this is going to do. And the fucking ship came out and then you wouldn't have to worry about this. Right, and there were more bottles and I guess that's where Barbosa's fleet came from. Of course. That makes sense. Yeah, so they did the

thing that I was saying they should have done at the end of the last movie, I guess. But didn't Gibbs have all of the... He had all the bottles. Oh, man. You're right. I think he only stole the black pearl. No, no, no. Gibbs has a whole bag. Johnny Depp has the black pearl and Gibbs has the bag of them. Yeah, because there's something in that last movie where he says to Gibbs like, oh, I set you free or whatever. And everyone thinks that Gibbs like ran off into the jungle. Got it really went back

and stole all the ships. You know, next movie, Gibbs is the lead. Okay. And he's got tons of ships and he's the cool motherfucker. Pirates of the Caribbean colon, Gibbs. It's going to be less money. So you can get actually Jay Leno for your cameo instead of Paul McCartney or they should definitely do that since David Letterman was in Cabin Boys. Oh yeah, a little tit for tat. We should say because it's

been so long since we started this series a year and a half ago they have announced that they are bringing this series back, but with Karen Gillen is the lead. So maybe Gibbs is going to be hanging out Karen Gillen. Maybe. Oh, I didn't hear this news. Karen Gillen from them their Marvel movies?

Yes, and Doctor Who as well. Oh, sure, of course. Remember, Steve, everyone on the show has American citizenship. We're not legally allowed to give a shit about Doctor Who. Yeah, no, I think she's rad. Yeah, that's pretty cool. But so, is she playing a pirate? We just know that she's in it and Johnny Depp most likely isn't,

although I'm guessing Stinger scene, but that's just me. I'm just going to call it here. Stinger scene or a Keith Richards-esque cameo maybe. If the first one does well, he'll come. come in for the second one. For sure. Yeah, you know, it'll be, it'll be like Stinger's seen Johnny Depp's hat and then it's like, oh,

what's going to happen? Yeah, definitely. Then they could pay him in the next one. He's on a Rocky Mountain with all these weird nuns and she hands his hat back to him on a cliff. I'd be down, dude.

They got out of the black fucking pearl. Yeah, they get on the pearl. Jeffrey Rush has a good line here. Time to race the dead. The monkey shows up, by the way. which also leads me to wonder, like, what about everybody else? Like, did everybody abandon ship but the monkey? Or is, like, or McKenzie Kirk and all those people dead or what? Yeah, there's just a bunch of skeletons in there.

Yes. And the monkey was still cursed, I guess, so he's okay. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know where we left off with the monkey. I don't care. Yeah, they sink the little boat and all the little bodies start floating on the water.

Like little, just these little dead bodies. I love it. Little skeleton. It's adorable. So they have, you know, there's some stuff with like Karina, you know, coming to grips with there being more out in the world than science kind of a thing. We do have the weakest part of this movie is that they insist on keeping the British

Navy cold, cold, cold on their trail. They're not even in the movie. I don't even know. I mean, but it's awful because they cut back to the guy at this point. You're Lord of the Rings fella. David Wenham. And he goes, and it's like, it's one of those things where I do have to say this movie is not as hard to follow as some of these other pirates movies. Yes, absolutely.

And you do not need the check-in with another like tertiary character. And they cut to this guy and he goes, those pirates are going for the Trident. And I'm like, dude, fucking no shit. And who are you anyway? They should do like get Jack Sparrow to the 13 colonies or something. Oh, that could be something. Oh, yeah, that would really be something. Um, but yeah, so this is where we start, uh, well, I mean, this, this sequence is where we learn that Karina is Barbosa's daughter. Uh, he notices the diary. Where'd you get that? You know, she's like, this is my birthright. I was left on, you know, orphanage steps with it or whatever. Um, and this is where a barbos is like, oh, no. And he has a conversation with Johnny

Depp, who is now tied up up to another mast. And he talks to him and he's like, I knew. And Johnny up's like, I know who that is. Isn't that something Smyth, who we used to know in the old days? And he's like, yeah, but she died and we left the baby at the orphanage. And my,

the orphanage. My question is, timeline wise, when did he have this relationship? Because like, he's an older dude. Yeah, but I mean, she's 20. You know what I mean? Like, this is the question. You know what I mean? Well, dude, I mean, fucking Tony Randall had a kid at

86. No, wait. So 10 years 10 years ago were the events, wait, no, nine years ago were the events of On Stranger Tides. No, no, no, 19 years ago because it fucking, right? No, no, no, no. There is a part in this movie

where Jeffrey Rush I think it's actually right before he frees the pearl from the bottle. He says to Johnny Depp back when we were dealing with Blackbeard five years ago. Okay, so that's actually

almost irrelevant. The only thing that matters is when was Barbosa cursed? Because I have this timeline right now. I think because I guess if he comes in the moonlight, they're dead, they're dead sperm. Yeah, exactly. Like he couldn't have, because basically Will, Orlando Bloom, had to have been born right around when Barbosa was cursed, right? Because he's, you know what I mean? Like Will, in the first movie he's a baby and then he grows up and then blah, blah, blah.

His dad, yada, yada, yada, yada, the mutiny, right? so that's that's at least like what 30 40 years ago because like there's at least there's there's because he's 20 in the first movie right that's when he's born yeah so that's turner yeah will turner is about call him like 20 years old right okay okay um that's the curse of black pearl and then barbosa is alive again i guess he could have fucked but then johnny jeff wouldn't have known who was the mother was but you're you're you're activating this timeline confusion based off of the assumption that him as a cursed person couldn't bear a child yeah right yeah i mean no i feel like he couldn't because of that but but so so it's the the the original trilogy yeah okay yeah well wait here we're and then at the end of the original trilogy it's like 10 years later they have a boy and then that boy is at the start of this movie and then it's another 10 years after that so he's got she's got to be 40 or 40 something i'm gonna take your word for it on this yeah i don't know i don't i got you know you know you know what numbers they don't don't work for me i did not check to see if any pointed this out on the

goofs tab of imdb because it doesn't make any sense like she he would have especially if he and johnny depth both knew the woman they wouldn't know the woman in the timeline when barbers is cursed he he was like fucking raw dog in it right before he got cursed originally okay would that work oh wait again that's for that's got to be 40 years ago is that's it's how was that 40 years ago 10, so it's 10, okay, so it would be 20 years ago. Guys, guys, no, no, I got it. I got it. But you ready? You're ready for this? Yes.

Nobody in the writer's room gave a flying shit. They're like, yeah, it's Barbosa. We got to kill off Barbosa. She has a daughter who at 20 who fuck years. That I do it. Even if what you call, even if Orlando Bloom is 20-ish when he gets, when he dies, then another 20 years have to pass for where we are now, where Henry's about 20. well well yeah i guess that's true you know what i mean because like if if orlando blum

it has to stone scars guard sires him before he becomes a skeleton from the events of at world's end sure this is 20 years later yes roughly so then that's got to be 40 years that she's got to be in her 40s she looks great yeah i don't i i don't know i that's it that's me i don't i mean how about this he barbosa fucks impregnate someone right after he's uncursed. Oh, yeah. I guess that yeah. Parallel to the events of he runs right on, I have to get to

fucking. We got to get like a contact tracer on fucking Jeffrey Rush's dick and balls. No, yeah, it'd be the parallel to the events of dead man's chest because he only comes in at the very end and the curse is lifted. Oh, I guess he was having a romance with somebody else. Okay. And Jack, as you know, can exist at

two places at once. Okay. And defies physics and everything we know about the universe. And he was there, Chris might be right, but nobody gives the shit except for me. But I just wanted to bring this up because I wrote a whole timeline. I'll show a picture of it on Twitter. It makes some sense. Well, you better show a picture, dude, because I got

lost at sea with all that year. With all that year math. It's a real Pepe Sylvia thing. Like the end of True Detective Season 1 in the bunker. Oh, man. Then you watch the fucking tape that's got like Barbosa fucking on it. Oh, yeah.

No! So, you know what? The Red Coats arrived and this is the great Truckosaurus comes out and fucking totally just goes to Chow Town on this ship. All of those, the Navy men are now officially out of the movie.

Well, I guess, yeah, because the guy, the only motivation for this guy is that he wants the Trident so that England can rule all of the ocean. And should Will Turner be picking up these dudes? Yeah, I want to... I mean, yeah, you got to call the meat wagon. but yeah so the you know they're all the dead at this point the the dead themselves attack um you know

sparrow and and all these guys it's a big fucking fight there's some decent stuff here i do not appreciate the masthead coming to life oh my god the steak buff marshmallow man what is that dude i know i'm saying i'm pro mask man get rid of the truck of source make it just this fucking weird mask man. Dude, I mean, the only thing that was missing was this thing being like bro, ro. Like, it doesn't make any noise at all, which is, I guess, kind of eerie, but I would just love it. It was like grunting after Johnny Depp. Can we talk about the most disgusting thing

I've ever seen? Which is this scene where they need to, Gibbs needs, Daddy Gibbs needs to pick a lock. And they fucking go, Stephen Graham has a dumb and dumber-esque toenail. that they rip out of him Siriana style and pick the lock with it

and it's insane and disgusting and I wanted to end immediately but this is a theme in these movies it's all about this nasty tow shit we do love to shit I also will say my favorite laugh in this entire series that's actual from the movie

is when it's right before the British show up and like Gibbs sees them and he's like hey Stephen Graham you're the captain now and he puts the hat on he's like he's happy he's game all right and they smash cut to him getting this shit kicked out of him. It's the funniest thing

I've ever seen. It's really great and this Stephen Graham's fucking selling it too man they are kicking his ass it's awesome. But the masthead dude kind of great thing so like Jack Sparrow and Salazar on the outsides of the ships were kind of like swinging around all the cannons which

was pretty cool. He does have a side show Bob falling and hitting his nuts on the tube thing. Sure. which is kind of whatever. I mean, you're not getting out of these kinds of movies without at least one nut trauma scene. It's genius. But dude, Eric's favorite character

in the franchise, Masked Man. Love Masked man. Gets fucking shot the face with a cannon. Yeah. This was pretty cool. And all like the wood chips go flying. Okay, so imagine like earlier in the movie when that first ship gets taken down by Truckasaurus

if it was just a giant wooden man running through the ocean. It's kind of fun. By the way, speaking of which, we didn't mention that Salazar's men can walk on water. Oh, right. That's kind of fun. Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty sweet. Jesus Christ shit. They're stepping on fishes.

Is that? Oh, no, I didn't get that. I didn't see that. There's a scene. You teach a man to step on fishes. No, there's a... You can step on fishes his own life. When they're getting off the, they're chasing Johnny Depp with the sharks. There's a shot from underneath the water. And you see the, there's little fish that come to each one of their feet.

So they're fucking Aquaman now? They're Aquaman as well. I don't like that. I said, I said eight things. You needed two or three. Yes. Well, there's also a gem island coming up, which I don't need. Right.

No, that's rad. We'll disagree about that in a second. It's super cool, but it's also. Just make them ghosts. We could walk on water as a ghost. Fine. I believe it. I don't need no fish shot,

although I got to rewash this movie now to look out for these fishes. You could just fast forward to that part. Well, here's the thing in five weeks. We'll get to this movie again. That's a real. Right, right. Of course. I completely forget. Didn't even think about it. How many times in a row

do you think we would need to do these movies before people actually came to our house and killed us? Like, it would be, it would honestly be right at the start, I would say, of the second time we did Dead Man's Chess. Probably. And that man would be, like, that's it. And that person would be me.

But so Henry is grabbed by Salazar. Salazar and his crew obviously cannot run aground. So they kind of cut and run. The pearl runs the ground. But this is when he's like, I'm going to possess Henry. And the guy's like, but you can't, then you can't not possess him ever again. And it's like, but trident.

And it's like, oh, okay. Okay, Trident. Okay, Trident. Sure, whatever, Trident. Whatever you say, Trident. Yeah, this whole possession thing does not work. Are you sure you don't want to bubble yum instead? But so the sun rises and this island lights up and, you know, Karina explains that the island is a perfect reflection of the sky.

So like all the jewels and stuff are mapped out to look like the stars. It's cool. I mean, it reminds me very much of that one very brief shot in the third movie when there, when the sea is so clear, you can see the stars and also like the ship is. Yes. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. I mean, like the visuals in this movie, I think, you know, are kind of a kind of about. but so like the little

jewel piece that's been on this Galileo journal is actually a missing jewel from this thing she's like oh there's all these red jewels around why isn't that pile lighting up and they go over and you know Barbosa gives it to her she puts it in and everything all these jewels

light up gives her the gem oh right I was not saying fucking his own daughter I zoned out there for a minute if anyone was going to fuck his own daughter it'd be Barbosa wouldn't it though yeah I guess absolutely I don't know man, the monkey's right there.

So everything lights up the Trident fucking blasts out of the water right here. Thank you Trident. You want the monkey to fuck her? We should say that Johnny Depp threatens to eat the monkey. I mean, that's monkey pizza right there, my friends. Dude, it shit makes you

crazy. That's right. T. Public, we got a monkey pizza shirt. I'm not joking. That's the thing is you have to stew the monkey for a while so you can shred the meat to put on the pizza. Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's a day braise. You want pulled monkey. yes exactly

you do want pulled monkey by the way this trident we're seeing here looks like shit it does not look good not good I was not into it it looks way more like shit fucking a bunch of cree would hold or something

than their Marvel movies you know very much like a video game where you're like oh cool I'm in the last level and then like a cinematic happens and they're like oh I guess it's not the last level because everything changes and they wind up going into this underwater grave kind of area. This was kind of rad

I thought like the sea sort of parts and everything. It was a cool visual. I like later there's like an anchor going down there it's pretty neat but I don't need Salazar possessing Will Turner and then being knocked in and out of his body. That's yeah that's the line I was referring to earlier

when they're like but you can't put yourself into Turner you'll be trapped in his body forever and he goes the trident will help me. And I was like what? How How do you know? What are you talking about? I tried it. No, no, no, the trident.

A trident. But yeah, so they say, you know, he says, you cut me, you cut the boy, Jack, you know. So they're fighting around on the, it is the bottom of the ocean. The sea is just sort of separated right now. Trial separation for the sea. And then I guess the water, as it's like closing in, the other, the rest of Salazar's guys kind of go to the bottom of the ocean, kind of try to help and fight and stuff. So they're all kind of there too. They're like the rasslers and a tag team thing waiting to get tagged in because they can't go.

It's technically on land. So they can't come out of the water wall and help out Salazar. Yes. And so Salazar fighting with Jack Sparrow all over the place. He's using the Trident to like fly Jack all over. This is a little too cartoony for my taste. Oh, for sure. And so the idea is I don't know how they come to this conclusion.

But if you break the Trident, you're going to break every curse at sea. and so they do literally that she breaks the Trident everyone is restored that's part of Salazar's steamer you see Bardam turns back to normal looking

Javier Breddem which is pretty great wouldn't you like the same thing with Will Turner as well and all these curses that are going to get broken the curses are just the dead living still so they'd just be dead you know what I mean like Will Will got murdered by

on a ship right you know fucking Salazar got murdered on a barge she just live have a chart for this one too? No, I don't. But living is the curse. They would be dead. They would just be dead. Living, living is the curse. I'm learning that very well. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're not wrong

there. I just want to be clear. It's a dumb pirate adventure movie. Steve, you are right, but, you know, whatever. Yeah, it's a dumb pirate adventure. And in, you know, traditional, like, Indiana Jones fashion right here, like, oh, this thing's broken, all these curses are broken. The seawalls are going to start caving in. And then this this action sequence, as much

as it is CGI heavy, the CGI holds up enough, you know, it is 2017, so things look a little better. It's pretty rad, but Barbosa swings in on the anchor. You got Gibbs fucking driving the pearl. And they're basically dropping the anchor to pull them out before the water

kills them. Yeah. Pretty big anchors, by the way. I didn't know that huge anchors. Yeah. But it's Russell Crow's cameo. But it's, it's you know, it's kind of red. They all get on the anchor. Salazar

is like, hey, all my men, go fuck yourselves. I'm getting on this anchor too to kill these people and get out of here. All these dudes die as the water starts caving in and they're climbing up this chain to get up to the ship. There's a lot of, you know, who's going to fall. Salazar

is going to pull whoever. Carina notices. Barbosa has a tattoo of the star chart. Dude, this is a hipster tattoo. I'm sorry. This is like a barista's tattoo. It absolutely is this. I love it. I love it. love the it's just simple line work although honestly dude man pirate tattoos at the time i mean all you're really doing is like basic

line work anyway i think it is it is funny though because while i think it's a legit tattoo for a pirate to have it's definitely now just a barista line tattoo absolutely we've all been through this experience together now five movies should we all get this tattoo oh yeah definitely i would i would i would get that star tattoo if you guys all got it like the lord of the rings cast Yeah, only only way more pathetic. Or suicide squad.

More like it. Oh, what? They just got tattoos that's in suicide on them? I forget what it was, but they, like most of them got tattoos other than Will Smith, smart guy. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Thanks, no thanks. Wow, that's a really cool tattoo. What is that? Me and my friends watched five movies over five weeks.

Get out. Yeah, so, you know, she sees the tattoo. It's kind of a, it's a sweet-ish line, you know, she says, who am I to you? And he says, treasure. Treasurer. He really gives it to it. Oh, sure. It's a great Jeffrey Rush delivery. Yeah.

And I think he knows like, okay, this is the last time I'm going to be able to speak like a pirate. I really got to do it up. Yeah. So, you know, he jumps down on Salazar. Kind of rad, actually. Because I believe it's, it's, Sparrow drops Barbosa sword. Yeah.

And then he runs down like, we're going to hell tonight. Well, his cartoon character does. Oh, sure. Oh, sure. He looks very trim in this scene and this scene alone. Yes, you're totally right. Yeah. It's like, oh, you got out of the entire body suit you were wearing with his movie. Well, it's a thing.

It was a trick to think that I was fat. I'm a spry man. It's a thing where I didn't even know who it was. And then I was like, oh, I guess that's Barbosa. Because he's not wearing the hair either. We've never seen him without the wig. Yes, exactly. I got to say, I would love it.

If you go, you go to Jeffrey Rush, you know, he goes to his neighborhood butcher, you know, he's just, it's today, you know, he's, he's living a quiet life now. And he just goes in and he's like, Ar, two pounds of flank. Oh, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Sam. I'm sorry. It just happened sometimes. I miss the work. I'll be honest with you. I just miss the work. The pirate work. Honestly, I would, if they did like a like a side movie, like this is what Barbosa was up to when he was fucking, you know, making children. whatever. I would watch that. I would watch a Jeffrey Rush solo pilot movie. Barbosa solo outing, yes. I think he might be getting

a little too old, but I definitely agree. I think he's the best part of these movies, hands down. Deage him like like in Jack Sparrow. You know what, then maybe not. So he makes the ultimate sacrifice. They fall back down. Kind of fucking grader. Do you guys catch Salazar hitting this anchor?

Oh, yeah. Oh my God, dude. He's like propeller guy in Titanic. we to D.H. Jeffrey for these new Pirates Barbosa series, we had to use older Jeffrey Rush movies that we only had quills. So we used his dick.

And of course now we have the designs for a Barbosa, real doll, that everybody's got to want to buy it. Flying off the shelves. It's cheaper or make because it's leg missing. Sure. All right. Yeah, let's fucking wrap this up, man. So he's dead. They all get back on the Pearl

safely. everybody kind of doffs their hat to, you know, in memory of Barbosa. Even the monkey was kind of sad. I felt bad about the monkey, man. He lost his best friend. There's a dumb thing. It's fucking, I feel like Rise of Skywalker

rip this off. She's like, Barbosa, my name is Karina Barbosa. Okay, okay, already. And they wind up going to shore. And oops, look, it's Orlando Bloom is that, you did it, son. look at me hey

oh dude it's it's so weird I mean why do they have to wait for him to show like they're waiting back like I don't know he should have popped up at some point a little earlier

to help them out or something yeah he looks like he's gonna fucking be at a tag match with the Undertaker at SummerSlam in the end of this movie man dude I am telling you right now I said it last night man

but like because now he doesn't have any of the barnacle shit on him it's just Orlando Bloom in 2017 dressed like a pirate motherfucker looks like kid rock he does he looks exactly like kid rock because he's got like this bandana all over his head and he looks like he smells like shit just like kid rock uh you know so they're like oh you know here here's the carina you know oh that gives a big hug to old daddy does you know and then what's ridiculous and this is only for teasing the audience expectation

but it actually makes no sense as far as the story is concerned after they're greeted and everything then like Orlando Bloom looks off in the distance and here is Karen Knightley running across this field and I'm like why didn't the kid wait for his mother to come down and meet the father? Yeah exactly Hey mom. Why did they leave her? Mom's, you know, she's just taking it forever to get dressed

like but dad's going to be here. Dad's going to be here. You know what mom? Fuck you. I'm going down to the beach. Meet us out there. It's a fuck you mom because this is a dad-centric franchise. Every single movie is like, my dad. Yeah, you're right. I don't know him. He's probably abusive but I love it. I also love where did Scarsgard go?

Well, that's what I was about to say. Dude, we're not loving all dads in this movie. No grandpa Scarsguard here. I guess he's back on the fucking ship still. I don't know. That was definitely, Scarsguard wanted a shit ton. I bet, right? Well, you know, the Marvel movies. You know, I'm on there for two seconds. I get $10 million. I mean, and I don't think they were going to get Nihi either.

No. Well, maybe for the sixth movie. he has been dropping a lot of hints saying that he wants to come back. Yes. God damn it. And what? Come on, that guy's an old. He's old. He's very, very old. Well, all he has to do is limp around

to fucking fake ship with a bunch of dumb shit on his face that they're going to see GII anyway. Does it matter? I just love how exasperated Eric is by the idea. I mean, it's a bad idea, man. I don't know. Listen, I'm not, I can, I'll do it, but I'm not going to do the accent. I just need to talk like this. I'll take it

I don't take it I'll take it over him throughout the course of a film slowly giving up on a Scottish accent In this scene Davy is going to sit in the corner for a bit

Maybe he'll watch his movie Emma Okay I'll do it But it's not going to be The CGI technicals We're going to make them With straws And tape them to my face

We've got to change it up a bit Now fellas don't we 9 out of 10 stars would recommend It's just him wearing straws on his face What if What if Davy Jones has straws on his face Then he never stands up

You got a dude Next movie man Michael Cain pirate If that's the case Oh I can sit down the whole time eh All right He got a throne of strows What if Davy Jones is cursed

At a holiday in sweet I think Chris is on to something with this straw stuff because guess what? This idea? It sucks. Oh, wow. There you go. So that's it with them. They're all reunited and whatnot. And then in the distance is Captain Jack Sparrow. Once again, you know, Captain of the Pearl, everything is right with the world. And, you know, here's Gibbs asking what the course is.

He's got the respect to the crewback, which happens. But it's also, again, like if that's the point of the movie, we need to make that a little bit firmer. we got to flesh that out a little bit like everyone's like oh jack you really did it this time or like he's tempted to go to a bar something something something you know yeah yeah um but he does have

a he Gibbs like pulls out a map and then he's like no no Mr. Gibb you know I'm navigating by the stars on this one Gibb kind of hilariously just throws the map away which is pretty funny I want it but he does have kind of a nice line here it's I have a rendezvous beyond my beloved horizon and pretty okay send-off, I think, for this.

It doesn't end with yo-ho-ho, ho, whatever the fuck. The monkey fucking has one last gag there. Oh, right. It scares him again. Yeah, it's the whole thing. But now he's barbed, like the monkey is going to be his now, it seems. Yes. Yeah, exactly.

Now they're buds. He doesn't want to eat him anymore. And he goes off with his rendezvous for the beloved horizon. And that is the end of the movie until two things happen, one of which is somewhere buried deep at the end of the credits, there's just someone credited as woman. Okay. So that was pointless. Let's call this person anything else, please.

And then this stinger scene, man. It sucks ass. It sucks. It sucks. It's ass. Just don't have a stinger. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if you want to bring back Davy Jones in the next movie, figure it out next time. You know what I mean? Right. Also, because you've already let me down the stinger with fucking Penelope Cruz already. You've got no Stinger credibility anymore.

But, but Marvel has stingers. have to have a stinger yeah it's like to do well chris this had stingers first oh that's true well so this stinger is will turner is having a nightmare uh that um you know it's like who's at the door they're both sleeping in bed uh door opens and you see in the shadow it's clearly the squid person davy jones which makes no sense because i thought all these curses were fucking broken and he's dead like his his curse was he was already oh that's right he was already replaced

he was already replaced as davy jones he fell into the ocean he's fucking dead he's dead so i forgot about that i forgot that's right um so he wakes up it's like oh it's just a dream okay and he like rolls over and he you know sort of spoons uh elizabeth swan

there uh and then the camera just sort of we sort of like just tilt down here and i guess it's pieces of barnacle on the floor. This is right this is right before we do get one quick shot of a big lobster claw that's all wet nasty. Oh yes

I'm a lobster claw. Right. Part of the nightmare is he sees that. Yeah, you're totally right. But yeah, it makes no fucking sense from what you have already done in these movies. I don't get it. The only thing I can think of is the movie is very horny, very pervy. There's a lot of sex jokes throughout. Sure. And this is almost directly

how basic instinct ends. Like almost exactly. Yeah. Instead of you know instead of barnacles it's a rolling around ice pick sure but like it's it ends with michael douglas insurance stone like about to go at it again and then the camera literally does the same thing the camera does in this movie and just goes down chris did i accidentally watch an erotic thriller right now i think you did okay i think we accidentally watched an erotic franchise to be honest i think i just thought of a logic loop that we could get davy jones back so day so now

orlando bloom is free of that curse and he's back home right So I guess maybe there always has to be a Davey Jones, so it brings back the old Davy Jones. Oh, fine. Bill Nihis just like at the bottom of the ocean enjoying being dead. And then it's like, oh, no, not again. Eric, you're about to get a phone call to write the next pirates. I will do it in a heartbeat. Absolutely.

Of course we would. That's the thing with all of this. Of course we would. And also, I mean, look, we're experts at this point. We're getting tattoos next week. I get fucking pirate tattoos. Call us up. Disney.

come on totally uh so that is the end of this movie that is so far the end of this franchise wow what a journey uh would anybody recommend this movie uh i would not um i think that there's there's more here that i would have thought for fifth entry for sure it's definitely better than the fourth movie in terms of direction and most things but the last act and a lot of the choices they make are so silly and so stupid and tedious it's just it's a no it's a no for me let's rank the franchise as we do this as well. I would go one, two, because you got to give Verbinski the second one too

just because I feel like I love the Bill Nahi design and a lot of the crack and stuff is, it's all bad. First of all, I don't like any of these movies, to be clear. One, two, five, four, three. And I, somebody else had asked this question on Twitter, which is, would you

rather watch a, are these worse in the Transformers movies? They are not. I would rather watch any of these movies in the Transformers movies. I agree. Oh, wow. one of the time here. Let's Steve Sade Eckman. I don't like any of these movies and I don't like any of the Transformers movies

but I would watch most of these movies before all of those Transformers movies. That is me. Chris Cabin, how you feel? Oh, it's awful. Don't watch it. I guess like we didn't even get to all the sex jokes. Like literally Johnny Depp at one point

he sees the noose and he's like, I wish I was hung. Yes, definitely. And I'm like just Jesus Christ. So yeah, it all. sucked. I guess my ranking would be one, two, five, three, four. And I

prefer Transformers wholesale to this. Wow. Wholesale. Because Michael Bay is going for it and it's stupid and awful and makes my ears hurt, but it's like he's going for, that's Michael Bay at his like full

bloom and I'm there for it. I like seeing him having fun. Whereas you get Bay back in the ocean, Pearl Harbor, but for this next one. Yeah, get him to do this Pirates movie. It'll be great. No one. You know, I would, I mean, I'm not going to really recommend it, but you could do worse in this

franchise. There was some interesting stuff there. I didn't mind it as much as some of the others. My ranking is actually exactly Steve's as one, two, five, four, three, and I would much, much rather revisit all these movies, which will be. doing starting next week. No, I guess we're not. But over the Transformers movies, I really just

I detest the Transformers series. There you go. Here's the thing. I would recommend this movie. I feel like I have sat through a lot of crap and this is also crap.

But it's crap that I liked. It's crap that I could follow. I wasn't confused. I did not need any character telling me what was going on and stop in the movie. It's action set pieces that I can see. They're competently lit and edited so I can follow everything.

And there are some legitimately really good action scenes, well directed action scenes in this movie. Would recommend and I am 15243. That's me. And yeah, this franchise time and again over the Transformers.

I cannot tell you much I despise those movies. And because of the main reason that I just said that I sort of liked this movie, which is that I cannot follow the action scenes in those movies. It's just too much. And there's a lot of too much here. Like, don't get me wrong. There's also

a lot of bad here. But just, I don't know if it's just, I'm exhausted, if it's quarantine madness or what. I had a good time with it. I apologize to the world at whole for liking a movie. I think those Transformers movies like change the movie

logic more from each movie. Yes. This one's more consistent at least. This one, you're right. Those movies always say oh, don't worry about the last movie that's different and that always bug me. I kind of prefer that. I think if you go back through the episodes

that we've listened to, it's probably, or we've done, it's probably you complaining the exact opposite about it. I don't care I don't need callbacks. I don't need you to like have some logic for all this. Like that's, when we're talking about like her, like the Barbose a mystery of having a kid

like I really don't get like I don't think anybody gives a fuck and I don't think you should act like it matters at all that's fair no and it doesn't and all that like all the family shit in this franchise like I don't think it works but it's like it's Disney so they care about that shit more than Paramount

does because they need families to come to their fucking theme parks and whatnot so you know I understand why it's there but yes it's wretched and I don't care about families that much but that is it we did it you guys we did it. We survived fucking pirate mania.

Thank you for sticking with us. Thanks to all our guests. Throughout pirate mania, Chelsea Jupe and Ben Worcester and Jordane Serrell's. It was really great to sort of share the torture a little bit with some folks. But Steve Sadek next week, we hate movies, officially

gets into summer blockbuster extravaganza. And even though you can't really go anywhere this summer, we will still be hanging out with some bigger titles. What will we be be rocking? next Tuesday. We are doing mid-aughts the Scooby-Doo movie. That Sarah Michelle Geller joined, the first one.

Oh, Rutrow. Yeah. There's more than one? Yeah, this is two. Scooby-Doo Monsters Unleashed, I believe, was the second film. Soar both of these in the theater. I haven't seen either of them. I don't think I've ever seen either of them all the way through. I've definitely seen

chunks enough. Yeah. You're not missing a thing. We'll be blowing chunks. Totally. But For more we hate movies, of course, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. We got a lot of bonus shit up there. Let's mention the premium episode for this month. Please do. It's no country for old men tying in with Harvey or Bardem.

We've already recorded it. It was a ton of fun. I think might be a series high for us. So please check it out. Very proud of that work. Yeah, it's a really fun. Super fun. Totally.

And, you know, all throughout the summer, we will be continuing, of course, all the Patreon offering. so we love movies, animation, damnation, the nexus, a gleep glossary. It's all continuing, baby. It's all gravy going through the quarantine with everybody. Into the summer. Into the summer, it's still continuing.

Yep. You know, and that's, that's fine. I guess that's totally fun. So until next week, when the summer blockbuster extravaganza 2020 kicks off with Scooby-Doo. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska.

Chris Gavin. Take it easy. Thank you. That was a hate gum podcast.