We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 490 - The Mummy (1999)

Episode Date: June 16, 2020

On this week's episode, the 2020 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza continues as the gang chats about the absolutely delightful (Andrew's words) Stephen Sommers blockbuster, The Mummy! What did they do to Rachel Weisz's eyebrows in this movie? Could anyone get a headcount on all the hunks? Why couldn't they do more practical effects, especially considering the CGI mummy looks like trash? And should they let anyone know that old man is dead? PLUS: Who would subscribe to our bizarrely-titled Rachel Weisz filmography podcast, Weiszin' the Juice? WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. The Mummy stars Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah, Arnold Vosloo, Kevin J. O'Connor, Jonathan Hyde, Oded Fehr, and the Wheezin' the Juice Guy himself, Erick Avari; directed by Stephen Sommers. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, who says there's a toilet paper shortage with this many mummies? It's the mummy. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric, toilet paper. Chris Kat. And we hate movies. Hello, that's right. We are talking the mummy from the grand year of 1999

directed by We Hate Movies favorite Steven Somers. One of the great years of movies, man. It was a big one. It was a big one. You had Phantom Menace. Yes, of course. Fight Club. Bringing out the Dead.

American Beauty. Great movie. Oh, yeah. Great movie to bring your kids to. The insider. Obviously, the Matrix. Yeah, no, big year. It was a good year. I just remember seeing the Matrix being such as Star Wars, whatever, being like, gosh, I hope this doesn't take attention

away from Star Wars. This is an exciting movie, but I just sure hope I doesn't take attention away from my beloved Star Wars. It turns out both didn't need sequels. Yeah, that's actually true. Steve's planting bombs in like Matrix screenings just to make sure that nobody

can see it. What is the what was the release date difference there? Was it like a May-July thing? Well, I think Matrix was first, I want to say. That sounds right. I'm going to look it up. I'm kind of curious about that.

Well, Steve looks that up, by the way. We just want to mention, before we get into the episode, you know, there's obviously more important things going on in the world. But just a soft reminder, all of those tour dates that we were supposed to be doing right now have moved to the fall. So we just want to remind folks, those shows right now are still on. Our bookers are monitoring the situations and everything. they're in constant communications with these venues

and we just checked in today as of this recording, which is June the 10th. The shows are still a go. So check out WHMpodcast.com for the tour schedule. Do you want to go through what those are real quick? By the way, the Matrix was released March 31st, Phantom Menace, May, whatever, May 19th.

So I was like, I was shitting my pants for about six whole weeks. Like, oh my gosh. Crazy that the Matrix, I mean, because obviously they just didn't know what it was going to be. Like, yeah, it makes sense that that's a March dump. So, wait, Steve, was it, was you worried that they were going to make two, it was going to make more money than?

Yes. Oh, it was like, make more money, be more, be bigger than Star Wars. Well, it turns out it was. Yeah, I know. But were you worried that, like, the success of the Matrix could then indeed signal the cancellation of the release of the Phantom Menace? No, like, that it could, like, affect, like, the Star Wars franchise going forward. I see, I see. I was very scared about that.

And it kind of did, actually. So you were right to be terrified, Steve. Yeah, sure. Let's go through those tour dates. I don't have that in front of me either. I do. So September 29th, the Rex Theater in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, talking about Taken. And then September 30th at Hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio, is a nightmare on Elm Street 3, the Dream Warriors.

I've been looking forward to talking about that movie forever. I think I've wanted to talk about it with people since I first saw it, like, in high school. And then on October the 2nd, we're going to be in Detroit, which I've never been to. I'm so excited to go to Detroit, ideally, on October the 2nd, to talk Robocop 3, a movie I barely remember. And then on October 11th, we'll be at the Salem Horror Festival in Salem, Massachusetts title to be determined. But it's going to be spooky, I bet. But we have already determined the episode for November 8th at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte, North Carolina. Comedy Zone.

And that would be under siege. And then a little lightness at the orange peel. We're going to be talking about Junior on November the 10th in Asheville, North Carolina. That's going to be super exciting. Yes. And then we'll be finishing it out on November 11th at Zanies in Nashville, Tennessee, talking footloose. Oh, man. I am psyched about this lineup of movies, you guys.

I think regardless of if they are comedies or action movies or whatever, we're going to have a great time. all around. These seven shows are going to be fucking great. I am pumped. That's all I have to say is I'm pumped. I'm very pumped. I am very pumped that the summer blockbuster extravaganza continues with this mummy movie and I want to turn to my buddy Eric Siska because

he has a catchphrase for movies for movies just like this where everyone's got their pitchforks out already. It's okay to like a movie and it was okay to be younger than us in 1999. It's totally fine. This movie is serviceable. Hangover.

I would say we'll get the recommendations at the end But I don't have outright ill will towards this movie Just so everyone is clear I used to hate this movie I last night my viewing I had a lot of fun with it I still I think it's worthy of this feed But I had more fun with it than I thought I was going to I think this is kind of a prime example

Of the thesis That Eric Siska has been driving home to the folks at home For the last 10 years almost Okay And here's here's here it is right here. I like this movie. I've seen this movie upwards of like 20

times like I've said. Wow! It was one of like the first standard death DVD movies we ever had so that it automatically got a lot of play. But I just rewatched it right now and I still had a fucking ball. And at the same time I am ready to make fun of it.

So let's get our heads nice and level folks because nobody should give his shit. Yeah, when I saw this back in 99, I think, seen in theaters. I saw it on video and I just wasn't into it and I still think the tone is kind of a bit off. I know

that we're trying to have fun, yada, yada, yada, like in the movie we're trying to have fun. I kind of wanted to be a bit spookier, maybe a touch. Ah, I don't I don't know, man. Honestly, like because the more in action movie gets toward like the horror side of things, then you get that other

Stephen Summers movie. Yeah, that's a good point. Whatever the fuck, Deep Rising. Yes. Well, no, no, Deep Rising rules, but Oh, the Rules does it? Yes. I mean, I think these are, Mummy and Deep Rising are the ones that I like from him. Those are the two that I can stomach. I do for the, like, the horror thing, the original one is pretty scary for what it is.

You're talking about the Karloff? The Karloff one. I think it's pretty spooky. So I think it's actually fun that they blew it out a bit and made it an adventure movie. It's not like horror at all to me. Well, in the way that they blow it out towards adventure, it becomes kind of an Indiana Jones clone. And if you turn down the horror slightly and just have mysticism and a slight spirituality invading the reality of it, it would then be more of that kind of adventure film. Yeah, for sure, for sure. I do appreciate that this movie, like, you know, obviously all the action stuff aside, the story is like loosely mirroring the story of the story. Karloff movie as far as like, here's

this mummy who's trying to also resurrect his lady friend you know, I don't believe world domination is really on the table. Hey man, thanks for bringing me back to life. Can my girlfriend come to, man? Oh, please man, I can't be an immortal

without my fucking lady friend, man. Does Cheryl come over here and show yourself? Isn't she pretty? Just if you're bringing people back, I'm just saying she's cool and she doesn't eat much. I just got a terrapin station

t-shirt. Isn't that beautiful? You ever see a mummy in a terrapin station t-shirt, man? I think also, I did see this in the theaters, too, and I think, Steve, this is also a great example of, man, sometimes you just need a big screen experience. Yeah, I think that's fair. I think that not seeing this in theaters and just seeing it

on VHS and kind of not giving the shit to begin with, kind of colored my thing. Because I actually specifically remember going to see it in the theater and being like, the mommy. I mean, all right, it's at the movies. Like, it literally was that. And it was sort of like a pleasant surprise.

I should admit, I'm a big Brendan Fraserhead. So, like, I really liked his movies when they were coming out. I saw this in the theater. I saw a blast from the past in theaters. Oh, yikes, dude. That's unfortunate. And gods and monsters, which he's amazing in. Yeah, I've still never seen that movie, actually.

Now, in that movie, does he also not know what a television is? Or, like, he's just like, he'd become. oh no, we need to teach him what actual, what has happened in the world in the last hundred years. Yes, you see, they record it first and then they televise it here.

This movie starts off. It was actually interesting because we just did the Kat's commentary and, you know, Q seeing that thing, I had to watch this movie twice, so like I got really familiar with the Universal logo and it was cool to see this one

like 20 years in the past just slightly different. This is the one they debuted in 97, I believe the copyright says. But the globe here, you guys, turns into the sun. Also kind of like mimicking Indiana Jones with the Paramount logo, turning into the mountain, which is kind of cool. I will say at the start of this, nice, decent, and again, nighttime is very forgiving.

But nice decent CGI, ancient Egypt here at the start. Yeah, the start looked pretty good to me. Most of the graphics, I think, are pretty good in this. I'll be honest. The early mummy The early mummy is bad. That's bad. That's bad. But once you get like one or two hunks dead, then it looks okay.

The sea of the dead at the end looks like absolute trash. I forgive it a lot. I do actually think that this movie is smartly less CGI than I remember it because that's one of the things I hate. Oh, that CGI is terrible. But it's just there's

less of it. Like if this movie is made today, it would be nothing but bad CGI. It would be nothing but bad CGI. And there's a moment that I so appreciate in this movie. Hold on a second. If this movie was made today, it was The Mummy 2017 with Tom Cruise. Oh, right, man. Yeah. I don't remember it being CGI heavy, but it was

definitely heavy on the snores. Because that's what I was doing. I fell asleep in that movie, dude. I rented it and it was like right after Tom Cruise, like, wakes up from the plane crash. like he wakes up in the body bag or whatever, I straight up fucking fell asleep. The only good thing about that is Russell Fat Crow.

Russell Fat Crow is such a breath of fresh air. He's doing Henry Jekyll? Yeah, and he's just blown out. He knows he's into a piece of shit, so he's just having fun. Oh, that's interesting. I see, I didn't even get to him in the movie. Is that a period piece like this is, or is that like contemporary? That's present day.

Okay. So he's like modern day Henry Jekyll kind of like, okay, that sucks. still don't dress like what you'd expect though. That's true actually yeah. Well it's weird that that movie starts with like a Mission Impossible style like plane crash like action scene and you're

just like what I thought I was fucking watching the mummy like what are we doing? Yeah, it's Tom Cruise's the mummy so it has to be a Mission Impossible movie. Exactly and then it's also a weird thing because you're watching the movie and you're like oh so he's like not the titular mummy like what

what is he doing in this movie at all? They're both mummies. Oh, they're both mummies? It's a real, it's a humdinger, I got to tell you. Somebody in the pitch room really gave them one. What if there's two mummies? So we have this opening intro narration by Odette Fair, who comes into play later. Apparently they wanted, they wanted, originally we're going to have Arnold Wuslu do it, or is it

Voslu? I always do this, and I want to put it. I've always said Voslu. I'll keep it with Voslu. Arnold Voslou was supposed to do it, but his character wouldn't have known English. So they're like, which makes sense. So they wanted O'Dad Fair to do it. I kind of appreciate that actually. And Odette Fair totally fucking rules in this movie.

A hot piece of ace. My God. This is one of the hunkier movies you're going to find. It is a hunk-tastic motion picture. What about Deuce Bigelow male Gigolo? He's shirtless in that. So that is a little bit better, I will say, in that sense. He's taken care of a fish tank that he betrots to this guy who meets,

Rob Schneider, who, who, would have thought. I think that's going to have a comical ending, is my guess. I think that that's going to end sillily. I also noticed and did not need to look any further into it to see that he was definitely probably playing a terrorist on 24 at one point. I mean, that was his career boom. You know what I mean?

Like, it's just sort of like there was all those things. Steve, Steve, pun not intended. The pun definitely not intended. Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no, you're going to play the banker who funds the terrorists this time. no, you're a double agent, you're a CIA agent, but you're taking down terrorists from your country.

It's like, well, I'm from Israel. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah, yeah, I don't give a shit. Yeah, I don't give a shit. So the quick story of this is, you know, there was this Pharaoh, Setti the first. Dude, this guy is jacked out of his fucking mind. And it's kind of crazy that his lady friend right here

is going for fucking Arnold Voslu when you have this professional wrestler waiting in the wings. Anybody see who this lady was? No. She is Marta from Rest of Development No, get out of town, really? Oh, you're right, yeah.

When I was watching it last night, I didn't notice it. I mean, I was like, I've seen this woman in something a million times and I don't know what it was, and it was that. Wow, that's hilarious. I don't know if anyone else just caught it, by the way, but I definitely just accidentally did a job of the hut last. At the Marta reveal, I just kind of went,

oh, oh, oh, oh. I got to say, man, this quarantine lasts any longer that I have to build me a fucking platform. in my house to slide around Sliding Steve Seda Satic on the dais Anton B. Crum Yeah, exactly, exactly

Yeah, so this Marta the Pharaoh's mistress was getting it on with Arnold Voslu on the side and as we hear O'Dead Fair tell it for their love they were willing to risk life itself and so they get caught fooling around. Dude, but he put

this guy is very, the Pharaoh is very protective of his lady. He puts basically like that powder you put in a in a bag full of money at a bank on this lady all over it just in case, you know what I mean? Well, it's, you know what I was thinking of?

It reminded me of when like James Bond wants to like check to make sure no one's broken into his hotel room. And the way he does is he tapes a piece of tape to his door that they can't see. And then it's like, oh, look at that.

You know, so, like, that was, that's what I thought of it as, like, the body pain because he's like, hey, you're fucking shoulders smudged. Did someone touch you? And then, like, Arnold Vassel is walking around, like, Robert Patton said a good time, man. It's all over his face. Yeah. And so, of course, she's, she's murdered. And Arnold Voslou, his, his punishment is he's mummified alive. Oh, the mistress kills herself, by the way. He calls out to her Iowa Resurrection, which must be very comforting while she's stabbing herself in the guts. Hey, babe, I'm going to fix this. You don't worry about it.

No, what? You can just drink the poison. Don't worry about it, babe. It's good. I'm going to get help. I'm going to get help in a thousand years, thousand years, minimum. You're good, right? Babe, babe, don't worry about it. I got the resurrection spell going. Give me my little Egyptian black medical book of the dead. You lend me 500 bucks. I'm going to turn it into it. a thousand, babe. It's going to be awesome. Guess what? In 1992, we're going to rock together.

Oh, man. So it's actually weird. I realized I got a sequence of events out of order here. So she commits suicide. And then somehow, like, he's not arrested immediately because he then like takes the body and he's trying to do this ritual. Right. His priests

and him escape. And then they escond with her body. They like raid the morgue or whatever. Oh yeah, dude. You know what? Show, don't tell. Give me the fun morgue rating scene. I know a morgue then is just like a dry room, I guess. Yeah, no, but I would love to see that. It's like Arnold Voslu just like carrying a corpse out in the middle of the night, like a little burkin hair kind of story. He puts on like a medical robe. He's pretending to be a doctor.

He looks at the chart. It's all hieroglyphics and say, ooh, dead. So, yeah, he gets found out. the cursor, the ceremony, the ritual is not finished, so she doesn't come back from the dead. He is mummified alive after they cut his tongue out and then dump a fucking bucket of scarabs all over him before closing the coffin.

Man, these scarabs get a lot of play in this movie. They do. Well, apparently that was like part of a Joe Dante thing. This was like a property that kind of kept trying to bring back, obviously. And there was a Joe Dante version with Daniel DeLewis, which sounds fucking awesome. Much better version, I think.

Yes. I mean, I'm going to fight the Bummy. No, he was going to be the mummy. No, that's bad. I think that they were trying to build an early 90s dark universe with like intense British actors. You got Gary Oldman as Dracula, Dale DeLewis says the mummy. So anyway, so that's the whole thing.

And it's in the city of the dead. Hamanoptera is this burial site city. So we go back to that exact same location, but now we're in 1923. And this is Brendan Fraser. And he's like fighting with the French Foreign Legion, which I don't, I would like a little bit of back story there as to how that happened. Yeah.

Because that's kind of a cool story. And his name is Rick, just like Rick in Casablanca. Did they have a stake in Egypt or something? And they filmed this in Morocco. So there you go. Oh, look at that. I'm sure they did cab. And I mean, like all those fucking countries had stakes and places that didn't belong to them back then.

Yeah, they say something, something. Odin Fares, like, and this area was heavily. contested for years and years, yada, yada, yada. It's great that we're on the side of the enemy then. Oh, absolutely. Everyone there should get the fuck out of there. Take your little white hats, get the fuck out. But Odette Fair says that

he is part of a group called the Magi, which are descendants of the Pharaoh's bodyguards themselves. And his boring-ass job is to keep watch over hominoptera to make sure people like Brendan Fraser and the French Foreign Legion don't come in looking for treasure and accidentally

unlock this fucking mummy. which is the movie To be honest he's not great at his job No yeah that's very true Kevin They're kind of sleeping at the switch here There should be a review after this one I think the head magi should bring him in

And ask a few questions Dude it's just a stinger scene with Odad fair And he's fucking He's like talking to his supervisor For some reason played by Stephen Root Classic Stinger I am the head of the magi what did you think you were doing

it's got a clipboard I do think yeah I mean I think you know they had like fucking you know 6,000 years of you know of really nailing it you know what I mean really keeping people out of here but all it takes us one time my guys do you think Odette Ferrer's character

was like like you know what I took my first vacation in 30 years of being on this job and it was just a long weekend and somehow you idiots managed to fuck up 3,000 years

of tight security. Jesus Christ, you fended off armies. And it was Brendan Fraser and a bunch of American idiots that got it. This whole order is just like the last crusade guys that are protecting the grail. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But, you know, I might be wrong. There might be

an actual order protecting us from mummies that are going on right now. So I'm just trying to stop a tweet. Well, hey, dude, look around you, man. You fucking see any mummies anywhere? You know, dude, thank you for your service. so yeah we get it we're starting to get into a little scuffle with these guys uh here we have stephen summer's next door neighbor slash best friend kevin j o'connor as the coward i was surprised

he dies at the end of this movie spoiler alert i could have sworn he was in the second one like because that's his lucky rabbit's foot dude that guy's in everything is it a thing i haven't seen the second one in a very long time he's not in it yeah but i was pretty shocked by that well i was going to say because i wouldn't put it past the sequel to this movie to just recast him as somebody else the mummy could like possess him or something that would have been a way to do it

or just it's Kevin J. O'Connor literally playing a different person Yeah, he's just got a blonde hair and if it was like Klaus or something. Exactly. That was, speaking of the casting, by the way, this was a little bit of a mystery for us with this character is like,

okay, Kevin J. O'Connor, what are you supposed to be playing here? And then it turns out it's a Hungarian dude so you're like, all right. He is one of the reasons. I mean, look, and I think he's fine. I enjoy his cartoonishness, but it gets really tiresome. And I remember at least being in 99, this was a guy that pushed me over the edge with this movie.

The problem is, is that they have a few too many comic reliefs going on here. Yes. Yep. Like Jonathan could go. The brother, I really think he could just go. See, but the brother is, the brother is what ties this is one of the reasons, or one of the ways, rather, that this movie ties itself to the Karloff movie. because in those universal monster mummy movies specifically, there's always the one character who's like,

I'm in archaeology for the big bucks, and he's always trying to scam and like find the treasure and all of that shit. So it's a welcome edition that he's there. The problem with the Kevin J. O'Connor character, as I see it anyway, is that he goes from being like the mischievous guy, who's then like the Mummy's Renfield kind of character,

which is interesting. But by the end of the movie, he's fucking Aboo the monkey from Aladdin. Yes. And it just totally devolves into silliness. He also, he betrays Rick at the start of the film, and then he goes on to continue to betray him. It would be interesting if that brother character

was the betrayer instead in some way towards the end. You know, like he's enchanted by the mummy. This will fetch a high prize to my imperialist pig government. Yeah, totally, dude. No, that would be a really interesting way to fucking spin it. I just find Jonathan very boring throughout this, whereas Kevin and J. O'Connor, occasionally I'm, like, interested in him. And I like the idea that you make it so, like,

if you are self-centered and, you know, totally only in it for greed and surviving, you will make it to the end, but at the end, you will die. I do agree with you, Chris, that he is a bit dull, but this, the whole, like, sister fucking thing, it made me think, like, is this a Fast, the Furious movie? What are we doing with this? Oh, my God, dude. And so this guy, Jonathan, by your logic, would be the Vin Diesel character. Yes, exactly. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Who wants coronas and barbecue chicken? Family

is forever. Isn't that right? Mummy, he's British. Oh, excellent. I do think I want Kevin J. O'Connor and Tom Noonan to play brothers who run a mortuary. That's all I want. Oh, dude. You know what, dude? Write it. Write that movie

and then pitch it to them. And honestly, there's like a 40% chance you'll do they'll do it. I'm Stephen. This is Tom Noonan. Why? So I retire from acting in your script and I run a mortuary. It's not a... You say Tom Noonan all over the script.

You know, there's dead people everywhere. You just got to reach out and grab them. You got to know how to reach out and grab them. I do like this. This is like a J.C.V.D. version of Tom Noon. Yes. Oh, that's right. So in the mortuary office, it's like a poster for Manhunter, a poster for the house of the devil. I'm fucking loving this. And my shit-heeled brother, Kevin J. O'Connor, who's not played by Kevin J., well, he is Kevin J.O., ah, geez.

Ah, Kevin. Tom Newton. Tom Newton. And, yeah, we bought this mortuary, and all the doorways are too short for both of us. It's a real problem. This is a real fool's errand. I cannot believe I retired from acting to do this. Kevin, this is worse than the time we bought a zoo.

Oh, that's Shirley, the script reader. Hi, Shirley. Hi, how are you doing back there? Hi. It's nice to see. I'm acting right now. I'm acting here. Constly breaks the fourth wall, too. It'd be great. Is it like, a take is left in where he's just like, Steve, I can't believe you're trying to fucking play the same music from Manhunter in this movie. The script specifically states that Steve, in the Garden of Eden, it's right there. Are you kidding me? No, we need big sense when we see Tom Noon, you need a sandwich. So, anyway, yeah, so we're in 1923. The French are fighting. to dig up this fucking sight, and the Magi are like, please do not unleash this evil into our world.

And it's kind of great because of Benny, like, Kevin Jerich Connor, like, jumps inside of a tomb. Rick is left alone. And then, Oded Fair, all his fault is like, everyone's like, should we kill him? And it's like, no, the desert will kill him. Well, no, how about you do your fucking job? This is the performance review again. Like, ooh, you got to kill those guys. Sorry.

Well, the desert took the oath, too. it was there when it happened so I thought maybe. We have a white asshole policy and whenever it is a white asshole rummaging around our crypts, we got to kill him. Why don't you drag the desert in here and review that? How about that shit?

Also, because I think in the second movie Odette Faire's character eats shit too. So it's like... I think that's right. Is that directed by John Waters? John Waters, the mummy multiple mummies. Oh, yeah, there it go. the title. I like that.

Yeah, so, yeah, he says the creature remains undiscovered. The desert will kill him. We pop to Cairo three years later getting the party started at the Museum of Antiquities. Absolutely. And Rachel Weiss just got her fucking eyebrows wax. Like, holy shit, man.

These things look weird. It's atrocious, dude. What are we fucking doing to this poor woman? It's a very like Uncle Leo, are you mad at me scenario? Oh my God, you're right. It's like the the eyebrows of the queen or the fucking, yeah, the evil queen and like snow white or some shit. And her hair cut too. It's like Betty Boop shit, you know, which used to drive men wild,

by the way, the visage of Betty Boop. Like, oh, dude, there are, there are so many board sailors that have jerked off to Betty Boop. Yeah. Now she just, now she just adorned disgusting boardwalk t-shirts. Yeah, totally. Oh, poor Betty Boop. What a fall from grace. You ever, here's, here's something I'd be interested in. Is there someone out there wearing Betty boob t-shirts that doesn't smoke cigarettes? No, absolutely not. Maybe some children. What are you supposed to

a child to have to wear a Betty-boop t-shirt? If you have a Betty-boop fucking father or a Betty-boop mom, they're going to buy a Betty-boop fucking t-shirt for the kid. You do not want a Betty Boop father, Kevin. I don't even know what that is, but I'm telling you, you don't want it. It's a guy who jerks off the cartoons, of course.

Listen, son, I love Betty Boop. It makes me wild. No, the light, Betty Boop is going out of the world, the light is draining. You have to carry on the... Oh, the Order of Boop. Oh, the Order of Boop grows. Yeah, we're the order of boop. You gotta stand outside of a shitty Ferris wheel on a boardwalk smoking cigarettes.

We all agree that Eddie Valiant treated her like shit in that movie. He goes on the shit list. Hey, kid. those cartoons ain't racist they're just products of their time the order of boop

heritage not hate god wouldn't she just love to be one of those skeletons that dances with her dude those old cartoons are terrifying you ever get a look at any of those they're haunting dude

holy shit dude like folks at home go to YouTube do yourself a favor if you want to get fucking chilled to your soul Google or go to YouTube and search for some fucking old Betty Boop cartoons.

They are on there and they are bone chilling. I bet if you dig deep enough, Betty Boop was invented by H.P. Lovecraft. Well, weirdly, Rachel Weiss is kind of dancing with skeletons in this movie. That's true, Cabin. So there's a fucking crazy gag that I do not believe belongs in this movie. Nope. Where Rachel Weiss dominoes all of these huge bookshelves. And then the wheeze and the juice guy fucking yells at her.

I feel like her dynamic and then her dynamic with Brendan Frazier. I think they're trying to do the Carrie Grant type of thing like a, you know. Yes, yeah. Her his girl Friday type. Or yeah, his girl Friday. Oh, exactly.

Monkey business. It skews a little too cartoony at certain points this movie and that this is the one that really gets me is like, but, but, because like nothing comes from that

and also it doesn't wind up being a callback later in the movie. Like she doesn't knock a bunch of fucking columns down to kill some mummies or something. You know what I mean? So it's just like for nothing. I do want to shut up. about because I do think that he should be referred to

always as the Weiss and the Juice Guy, but his name is Eric Avarie. He's had a good career. Is he still with us, by the way? He is, yeah. Okay, I think about the Wees and the Juice guy, like, maybe, like, bi-monthly, and I'm just like, I hope that dude's doing all right. But there is a casting paradox in this movie, though, because Wees and the Juice guy, who winds up being, like,

the Secret Order, the Magi, like, leader. He's at least an agent with them, but he's like undercover at the museum. He's in the movie, but then also the English actor who played the dad slash bad guy in the first, like the Robin Williams Jumanji movie, that guy's also in this movie. And I,

I'm telling you, I confuse those dudes all the time and they play similar characters a lot. Isn't he also the butler from the nanny? Isn't that his... No. That's a third different guy. Oh, it is. Okay. The butler from the nanny, I believe, is actually like an American or a Canadian actor?

So I was about to say, is this three identical strangers that we were talking about it? John Hanna shows up as her brother Jonathan who is so Scottish and not doing a great job not being Scottish yeah

like every himself oh my fucking sister and it's like yeah we're both from England is this guy you said the actor's name as if I should recognize him from something

that's not the mummy Steve he was in four weddings at a funeral and other stuff sliding doors the Gwyneth Paltrow movie movie I think never caught it

never caught four weds in a few neither surprisingly the boring guy was boring everybody but yeah he is Evelyn's brother and all around opportunistic wimp as my notes say and he has come in because he has claimed he found an artifact

and it turns out he stole it from Brendan Fraser and inside you know Evie opens this little box and there's a map in it leading them to the city of the dead and that this dude they pull out this map like they got out of a fucking happy meal it's 7,000 years old

it would turn to sand they said 3,000 but yes yes yeah like they're fucking gonna wipe ketchup and french fry grease on this thing i would love to if they just like tried to put gloves on before they tried to handle it that would make some sense but it will still turn to dust well yes for sure brilliant dear sister some kid finished the maze before we got here so we know the direct Oh, look at that, Evie. The answer is fries. Oh, I found the mummy. Look, it's right here.

Spelled backwards. Oh, fuck. He's not the butler from the net. He's the butler from Ritchie Rich. Oh, yes, he is. Yes. That's what I was thinking of. Really?

Not the brother, the British guy who will meet later. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, all right. Bloody hell, the map only leads to a mummified mayo McChease. Oh, man. That's exactly what should happen to that. son of a bitch.

I mean, I think that, you know, like, culture is ending around us, obviously. These Happy Meal Maps will be worth something and lead people to real treasure, which will be fucking non-perishable food. Dude, you just made me think of, y'all remember that Cinemania documentary about, like, the freaks in New York City

who go to, like, four movies a day, right? Oh, no, I got to see this. Oh, what? Oh, Steve. I haven't seen it out of it. Cabin, you never saw it? No, I never saw this one. Oh, guys, it is the, it is an A plus look at these fucking people experience.

Chris Cabin, by the way, you will recognize people in that movie. I'm sure I will. I'm definitely. Cabin, you definitely will. I'm not in it. You're not in it, but Cabin, you know a man who is interviewed in that movie. Oh, really? Great. Yes. It's insane. Steve, there's an old lady who gets kicked out of MoMA and banned for life and they film her coming back in, wearing a disguise,

trying to see a movie. Oh, shit. I'm watching this movie maybe tonight. You have to. Oh, I I can't, okay, so there's, I don't want to spoil it too much, but there was a guy in that movie that is so proud of the fact that he has collected all over the McDonald's Jurassic Park Collectors, Cups. Oh, my fuck. Steve, I'm telling you, it's real loser town shit, dude. It's awesome.

Steve, don't start watching it right now. Don't you do it. I might bow out of the rest of this episode. I'll give you my recommendation now. You can edit it in. I swear to God, Steve, if we're sitting here 10 minutes from now, and I'm like, another thing about Arnold Voslou, and I fucking hear that movie on the background, he's just, that's unprevement. Professional.

He just bursts out laughing in the middle of us talking about the plot. Look at that guy. Oh, yes, Cinemania. Absolute recommend. But our friend the Wees and the Juice guy burns half the map because he's secretly in on it. Again, like, this thing touches fire. Like, come on. It's insane that it doesn't, it's insane.

It doesn't go up in half a second. And I love, the Weas and the Juice guy is definitely like, oh, what a shame. It's too bad. It didn't burn all. the way out, like, not trying to cover up at all. He's like, it's for the best. You should not fucking go there. He's trying his best to give him like this warning or whatever.

So, Rachel We got to go to this place and follow this map. Let's go find the dude who you got this from, you know? And he's like, okay, cool. It's just at this bar. And then you cut to the Cairo prison. And he's like, well, maybe it wasn't a bar. And I don't understand

when they had this interaction. Did anybody else catch it? No, it's really unclear. was the brother like touring the jail and he fucking lifted it from him no no it was they were in a bar together before he got arrested oh i see there was a bar brawl he says okay so this reeks of deleted scenes though because that's a lot of like how did brendan fraser it's been three years how did he wind up in jail why does he have fucking speaking of uh jumanji why does he have fucking robin william's hair in this movie well that's the day you know how long has he been in there like what are we talking about it's when and like Show us the fucking bar fight. Show us how he got out of the desert. He was left for dead. You know what I'm picturing it as, Eric, honestly, is in, is it, is it,

where is it in the Indiana Jones world where Marion is doing shots in the bar? That's Raiders. It's in Raiders, right? Okay. It should have been something like that, right? It's like Brendan Fraser's, like, drinking with all these fucking dudes or something

and, like, Jonathan lifts it from him or something like that. Like, show us that scene. You can have some action. there? We're already almost aggressively copying Indiana Jones for portions of this film. Just go all the way. Exactly, dude. Just do it. I just had a question about we's in the juice

guy vis-a-vis I love this. Vis-a-vis working with Brendan Fraser, do you think they were talking about Encino Man? Oh, for sure. Like, have you talked to Pauley lately? Oh, no one asked about talking to Pauley, dude. I think they were asking about Mitzie before they were asking

about Pauley. Speaking of someone frozen and left behind in time, I'm wholly sure. Hey, buddy, saw you doing the mummy and there's a couple of weasily scared characters I could do either one, buddy.

Hey, did you hear that Sean Asson's going to be in Lord of the Rings? Pretty good, huh? Oh, you're right, because fellowship was like, what, 2001? Yeah, it's two years away. Oh, they must have been talking

about Lord of the Rings on the side of the mummy, guaranteed. The, um, this is everybody's first Rachel Weiss joint that they remember, right? Yeah, this is, I think, yeah. And this is her breakout.

I mean, and, you know, she wound up being like this amazing, amazing actress. I mean, she's had an up and down career for sure. Now she's in a height, I think. She is one of the best, though, to me. Like, I will watch a movie almost only because she's in it sometimes. For sure. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of why.

Well, no, I was about to say, Sebastian Lelio's disobedience. It's her and Rachel McAdams. She's really great in that. she's sadly always like the like dead or like dying wife like the constant gardener she's very good in it but she's like

the dead wife and the fountain too you guys should start like a Rachel Weiss podcast Weiss in the Juice Oh dude Ben Weiss in the juice Welcome back to the juice We would be explaining at the start of

every single episode The title of this podcast We could We can came a Paulie Shore saying it and then use it as the intro. There you go. I mean, she's great in so much shit.

I love that she's working multiple times now with Mr. Yorgos, Lantamos. Because she's fucking great in the favorite. She's great in the lobster. Oh, man, but there's some, she was in Aragon. She was in The Lovely Bones.

She's in Oz the great and powerful, dude, one of the worst things Sam Ramey's ever done in his life, if not thee. Fred Clause, stay tuned for sure. sure. I still haven't, still happy. I also still haven't seen the Oz great and powerful. I saw that at the, it was actually crazy. Yeah, I saw it at the Zickfeld. Me and Chelsea and I took my younger sister and it was like, she was visiting the city.

So I was like, behold a great New York movie palace. And then we watched fucking Oz the great and powerful. Isn't it crazy? We know each other so well that I remembered where you saw that movie. It is pretty great, dude. I have to say, it was kind of flattering. This, but yeah, I mean, and again, actually looking, and now I'm just looking at her IMD, and I open a picture, I'm like, there's those eyebrows. Like, you do miss them.

They're very expressive and important to her face. They really are, and it's fucking ridiculous that they had to like modify her for this movie. Man, there are a lot of state tunes on here. Oh, you're just going through the filmography, Kevin? Yeah, a chain reaction. We're going to do one day for sure. Hold on a second. Let's do a month, right?

Why isn't the Jews? Yes. Actually, if we could, all right, that's a great idea. This way we don't have to explain it to everybody, but we could do a Weiss in the Juice Month because chain reaction is definitely on there. I'm telling you right now. Fred Claus. Fred Claus is definitely on there. Dream House. Oh, Dream House. Absolutely, that's trash. Honestly, you know what? The Mummy Returns is a way worse movie than this. That could be in Weiss in the Juice Month. Runaway jury is trash. She's in Envy with Ben Stiller. and Jack Black. I mean, I think she's a great. I don't know what she's doing anywhere near a comedy. Honestly, like, just do not. And she's fine and funny, you know, but all that stuff, but like just not something that. Yeah, absolutely.

And then as, oh, yeah, Dreamhouse. There it is, Kevin. You were right. But yeah. That's four. And I have four weeks. Oh, of course. Yeah.

All right. There we go. Why so the Jews could totally have. I love that we got to the bottom. that so they're breaking out Brendan Fraser he's got this huge wig on because he has to and then they have to is this one the I'm too sexy montages

when they cut his hair and wash him I wish dude instead I'm sitting here like why is he being sentenced to death oh man if you got like I'm I'm so sexy but like on a violin while like old timey scissors are trying to cut his hair oh fuck

that would be pretty great it's him coming out in all different archaeologist outfits and her and John Han are like, no, no, yes, yes. Picking the different kinds of heroin he's going to take on the voyage. Oh, God. From the local medicine man. It's medicine. So, yeah, so he is

sentenced to death by hanging. He is indeed hanged in this film but his neck doesn't break. He almost died here, by the way. They had to resuscitate him because they fucked this up. That's according to the IMDB Tribune. I read that today and it's just like, I'm like, is that true? Yeah,

that's a good call yeah but you know it might it might be like was it mentioned you know do you think it was mentioned on like a commentary or something sure or just somebody like oh my gosh that's a great talk show that's a great talk show story yeah no you're totally right some of them bring to the couch but but what was Steve why did they need why did they like have a stunt person and like they're back to them like holding the thing and just have a one shot of him like looking like he's suffocating and I'll tell you cabin that's a great question you bring up especially because one of the effects things that I wanted to point out

and praise this movie for is the the thing where it's supposed to be Imhotep, which is Arnold Vasselu's mummy character. Imhotep is sneaking into Rachel Vise's bedroom and he can turn into sand with this movie which whatever, but he

turns into sand and the effect is they're just shooting a bunch of sand through a keyhole and then they cut to the bed and there's Arnold Voslu. There's no like terrible CGI, right? It's just a great old school, like, here's Bella Lagosi, but before that, there was just a bat

puppet, you know, it's that kind of a thing, and it was really rad. Why couldn't they just use the magic of film editing to not hang your fucking movie star? That's right, Brendan Schuffer. Oh, yeah, you're close, aren't you? Cuts!

He's hot as fuck in this movie. Oh, yeah. Are you kidding? Yeah, get out of town, dude. It's the best he's ever looked is in this, like, I think on top of Encino Man, he looks better in this movie. And I think he's perfect for this movie. He gets it. He gets everything

just right. It's like, it's square jaw. There's a wink everywhere. I don't know who could do this exact movie better, even though I'm not crazy about it. Really good yelling. Yes. Lots of yelling and he does it well. And he hits all of his comedic moments very well, I think. Because Brennan Fraser is,

I mean, he's the perfect guy for this kind of a role. I mean, he reminds you of like, the jock in high school that was like he like broke the stereotype and was like friendly with everybody yeah like just a nice big lovable dude kind of a thing and like this is the kind of like not asshole action star that is great to watch you know i really wish he hadn't like massively heard his back or on one of these movies what was that story he told like kind of recently how he like fucked up his back horribly and that's why when everybody was like where'd brennan

Fraser go he was like not able to work yeah he's I mean he's good I mean really really good one of the best part of that Doom Patrol show which I'm slowly getting through and I'm actually quite enjoying but it's he's he is like the reason to watch that show for sure but he's just doing a voice of a robot yes but I mean

the voice works fantastic that's pretty cool to know though he is good in the sense I think cancelled rectify which is a great show and he's got a really good small role in that show where that guy's like released from jail after a long time And the whole first episode is him like jerking off and going like,

mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I forgot that part, but maybe. He was also on the affair recently. Oh, is that right? That's another showtime property I ignore. That's right. I mean, but, you know, he had missteps just like anybody else. I'm looking at you, Georgia the Jungle.

Stay tuned for that. Saw that shit in the theaters. They save him. She barters with this guy who's like the warden or whatever and basically says, hey, I'll give you 25% of the treasure if you do, if you let this guy go and we'll find we'll just go on a fun treasure hunt.

Yeah, exactly. So it's like, so we are we're going on the treasure hunt. We're looking for the book of Amun Ra. Evie wants to find it. You know, it's made of gold supposedly. And we are, we're going to, is this supposed to be the Nile by the way? I assume,

yeah, I don't know. We're going down a river. The way this opens with the pyramids and the sphinx, let's, it's the Nile. I mean, you know, I don't know They don't specify No, I know, but I'm just saying How obvious they are with their cultural Touchstones and the show of my esteemate is.

And they're on this boat With a competing team of archaeologists, the League of Hunks that I will call these guys. Dude, the League of Hunks are some of the dumbest characters. All four of these actors look like they've gotten the third base with Elaine Benis. Like, they all look like Seinfeld

Hunks. I'm totally right. Every one of these American explorers are sponge-worthy. No, no, there's one guy And it's okay Because all League of Hunks have to have one dud But there's one I know exactly who you're going to say

One guy who looks like Jeremy Piven Plus about 50 pounds Say, wait a second So just say how he dies He's the last of the hunks to die Yeah, he's the dude Who's like murdered in the street Yeah, yeah

Yep, that's exactly who I thought you were going to say And he's also the guy who stepped on the bug In a Sound of Thunder Yes Oh, really! Oh shit! But yeah, this gang of nerdy hunks, they are being led by uh-oh, Benny is alive.

And this is where the guy from Richie Rich and Jumanji and Previous episode, Anaconda as well, this guy worked a lot in the 90s. He's like their expert, their Egyptologist expert kind of a guy. Right. Who did he play in Anaconda? In Anaconda. He's like the, he played the

posh British guy. The guy who hosted the show Gotcha. Okay, okay. So yeah, so these hunks and our team of heroes are on this steamship, and we see there's a shot of some dudes rowing a boat towards the steamship. So we

guess that, you know, this ship is about to be boarded here. And this is when they're the most like, and I mean, this is almost a last crusade, like, shot for shot. Like, you know what I mean? Like, we're not do... It's just this league of dudes, like, fucking up this archaeology thing. Yeah. Eventually the ship goes on fire. But like this, this set piece, the one at the beginning, like, I think the action is pretty solid in this movie. And it's a breath of fresh air from the Pirates movies, which got confusing because they leaned into the CGI for the battles in those. And this, it's like the sword fights and shit.

Yeah. I mean, the editing in this movie, the way that they, you know, the editing overall, but the editing, the action editing specifically is much better because it's much more traditional. paste. So I was thinking exactly this, Eric, when I was watching it again, like I can watch this and comprehend what every, I know what everybody is doing in this scene. You know what? That's exactly why my rating of this movie has gone up

significantly is because I just watched five weeks of pirate movies where I had no idea what anything was happening. Everything takes fucking forever. He's a breezy fun, winkable action scenes that just don't, that are just fun and clear. Totally. So like these dudes attack and whatnot.

I love, oh man, Rachel Weiss fucking jams a candle into that dude's eye. Yeah, he gets it. That's pretty sweet. The brother in like goofball comedy mode accidentally like kicks this guy, but then the guy falls onto a couch that's on fire. Now he's on fire. I do, I'm not crazy about Brendan Fraser's two guns. It's a touch too cool for this movie. I'm on board with a man. It kind of reminds me of a definite stay tuned Last Man Standing with Bruce Willis. Oh, yeah.

Where he's fucking, he's got that shootout with the double guns. He's fucking naked in the bathtub. Or as I've been calling it, yo, Jim, Bo. Or also previous episode, Lara Croft. Mara Croft. By the way, stay tuned. So, yeah, the boat's on fire, man. Everybody jumps overboard.

but we so we get to the city again yeah we make it there there's a cool oh yeah the the way they get there I thought was rad they meet up and like you know it's like sunrise or whatever and you know

they're like oh we're about to be show Brandon Fraser says we're about to be shown the way and I guess is it I mean it's I guess sort of magic but like a desert um oasis kind of looking effect yeah mirage kind of a thing occurs where it's like oh that's where the thing is you have to wait for the right time

of day to see it kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if it's cloudy that morning? Yeah, I guess you didn't your SOL, dude. Totally, dude, just got to fucking put up tent, cabin, wait till the sun comes out. Too bad.

Yeah, pitching a tent. Pretty nice. Oh, yeah, I'm pitching a tent in this movie, dude. So, yeah, they all, they're like racing to get to the city and everything. I do love fucking Kevin J. O'Connor is definitely trampled by a camel in this scene. Dude, he should be dead because he goes under,

he went under the wheels. under the hooves. Well, much like a Roger Rabbit, you can't kill a cartoon. You'd have to kill it. You got in jail, Goddard with the dip. Now I'm just imagining, like, in Morton Joe, like having tons of camels getting milked in a facility. Oh, God, damn.

That'd be pretty cool. So, yeah, they get to the city and everything. They go into the temple. There's a great line. They're like, well, what was this room for? And I think it's, is it Rachel, Vice, or Jonathan? One of them is like, this is where they made. the mummies.

It's the mummy machine, baby. No, this is where we're going. The movie. The movies are going to be here. They're like basically racing against each other. They both kind of hit the same place. And it's like, all right, you go, we'll go downstairs. That's where the real good stuff is.

And you guys take the upstairs kind of a thing. Right, right. We get a very solid from Brendan Fraser. Good. Here we go again. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, because he's returning to the city. Which I think is also a lot like from the trailer for the second one.

He says it like early on. Oh, is it like a, I got a bad feeling about this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We also have like a campfire scene where he's described like, oh, the American crew lost a few diggers because of these ancient booby traps that melted them with salt acid. Oh, well, that happens right here because Rachel Vise is like,

oh, don't worry about it. We'll go dig somewhere else. And then like the dude from Jumanji makes all these like day laborers. that are with them because the Americans are about to do it. The American guys I love in this movie, they're such Yehaw Cowboy Idiots Like there's a joke on the

Steamship where like, you know, they're obsessed with guns, you know, they're shooting at all of these people and like yehawing and shit It's pretty... The one guy looks like the Game of Thrones actor Nikola Costa Wassa or whatever the fuck is that. Yeah, well The Great Dane. The reason is you don't

know, the reason you know it's not him is because he's in a movie that you've seen. Yeah. yeah that dude's made some poor choices his career is insane i mean most of the fucking people from that show dude i mean look at it it's true look at it momoa might be on top actually jason momoa got out easy like he got out early so that he could build he could build off the cachet of the show now that the show is over everyone was like oh that was in retrospect not not the best uh but the league of hunks remind me very much of

speaking of Dracula, those dudes at the end of Dracula that are hanging out with Anthony Hopkins, like, let's get him, Anthony, let's get him, Van Helsing, Yehaw! Oh, I fucking forgot about that. Yeah, there is a weird team at the end of that movie. There is. Do they all talk like the Roger Rabbit bullets?

Yes. It's closer than not, Keras, honestly. All right, let's, I've got six of my friends here to get you, Dracula. Listen, son, we, the order of boop knew this day would come. The bullets from Roger Rabbit would try to get Boop. Boop.

Betty Boop, I haven't seen you in years. Betty Boop, I haven't seen you since you fought against the civil rights movement. What are you doing on this boardwalk? We're both on useless, poorly printed T-shirts. Oh, I forget who we're supposed to be killing right now. Oh, Betty Boop, why does your caption have something about oral sex? Children are around. Some of my shirts get dirty, dude.

Oh, Betty Boop, of course all lives matter, but that ain't the point right now, darling. Betty Boop, what are you doing on that t-shirt with Bart Simpson? Betty Boop's telling Saddam to get fucked. Betty Boop says Ayatola Asahola Oh the boardwalk What a horrible place for American life Betty, what you doing on TV in art?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So, yeah, we should say the The jailer guy decides to go off on his own hunting treasure And he finds this like wall of scarab Jewel looking things and he starts picking them off one by one and he drops one in the sand

and it comes to life and dude this fucking guy gets like a scarab like burrows into his foot and it's like under his skin and it crawls up into his brain and starts making him crazy. Because it goes I mean here's the thing though you know for a fact because what's going up is like oh fuck

oh fuck and it goes past and he's a little relieved for at least a second like absolutely go go right in my brain take me out dude take me out of the game he's going to be like you know what I'm dead but Thankfully, before I died, my dick wasn't eaten off. All right, I'm going to stab it when it gets to my chest. Okay, here we go.

Here we go. Oh, I missed it. Oh, I'm dead. Like, half the characters in this movie, I'm like, why didn't you shoot yourself in the head? Oh, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. But yeah, so, Eric, this is where those American dudes, the Legion of Hunks, are about to open this panel. And the guy from Jumanji's like, uh, uh, uh, these people that were paying nothing to be here with us.

They're the ones that do it. And they open it and their fucking faces start melting. off because we are told it was salt acid. Yikes, what a way to go! Pretty cool death there. And then, yeah, they find, Brendan Fraser, Jonathan and what you're called?

Rachel Weiss find the mummy underneath. They find the book upstairs. They find the mummy himself. Yeah. And they're like, ah, a mummy. Well, they don't, it's actually interesting because, like, she's reading the sarcophagus and, you know, there's no name

on it. It says, it's literally he that shall not be named so it's kind of crap like the whole movie is written like the boring parts of this movie it's like the writer I forget was it Summers who wrote this it's him and somebody else I think

like they must have just read like a travel guide history about like the area because it's just like every once in a while they're like did you know that this area of Egypt and this practice by the pharaohs is this don't you know

and like It's just like they're clearly just plotting like, yes, we did the research. Yes, this is convincing, right? Come on. Fucking eat it up, pigs. You know what, dude? I was that fucking fat pig of the trough, dude. Do you want to give me cool ancient Egypt factoid? Like, I will listen to that.

I will 100% listen to that. By the way, confirmed there were three people with screen story credits. Mr. Somers, someone named Lloyd Fonville, and someone named Kevin John. jari, but Summers is the only one with a screenplay credit. Yeah. Real passion project, Ron.

Dude loves mummies, man. What can I tell you? I was just looking at now looking at Stephen Somers, I'm DB. He directed and wrote The Revenge of the Mummy, The Ride, a pre-show video that plays before the Universal Orlando's Revenge on the Mummy ride. Brandon Fraser's in it, dude. Quick question. Has anyone taken that ride?

I have not. I've never been to Universal. I mean, I went to the universe as a little kid. I want to address it because I know if 15 people on Twitter are going to tweet at us, I can't believe they don't know that right. I've never. I went there once and the only time I went there that the movie had not come out yet. I've never seen, I've never been on the ride,

but I do remember like very clearly. You remember that like scrawl whenever you had a VHS of a Universal movie with like all the good movies in the letters? Yeah. And like I have that like stamped on my brain forever. Like, I didn't, I hadn't seen Jaws yet. So I just saw a shark. I was like, that's a cool shark.

Better title for that movie, by the way. Cool shark, yeah, dude. Yeah, so there's, um, the dudes have their faces melted there. And then this is where, uh, the Magi dudes roll in again. They start fucking firing on everybody. Brendan Fraser uses a stick of dynamite as a bargaining chip. Bedfares, like, all right, fine. Don't blow everybody up.

You have a day to fucking get out of town. And then there's, oh, man, you know, not a great scene in the movie. I don't need it because, you know what? Like, we know what these movies are. They will fall in love eventually. I don't need them fucking drunk on this Glenn Levitt. Yeah. Kind of flirting with each other and everything, especially because the brother finds it in the

backpack of, I think Kevin J. O'Connor maybe. it's the fat guy who died. Oh, it's the jailer guy. Okay. And he's like, he's like, oh, broken glass. And then is drinking out of the same glass bottle? No way. I'm putting my fucking mouth in your broken glass. I might right now. I might, you know, during quarantine and all like, yeah. If I somehow break my bottle of whiskey, I'm going to figure it out. But then you get like a little bit of salt acid on the tip of that thing. Like then all of a sudden, Jonathan's out of here and I'm happy. Well, no, I don't know. You know, a little more burn ain't going to hurt nobody.

But Andrew, you are right that, like, this movie has way too many scenes like this, and it just bogs the whole thing down. I think we go to some hotels later, and it's sort of they're trying to do the Carrie Grant thing around the hotel, this and that. And it's just too much. It could be a tight 95, and I'd be in a really good shit. Or even, like, a buck 40. I'm good, you know? But, yeah, like, she's just wasted, and she, like, almost kisses him and passes out. And, you know, thankfully, there's a look of, like, I'm just not going to do anything.

anything here from Brendan Fraser? Sure. Absolutely. Is this the same night that she spots the Americans have the book and she's like, oh, you need the key, and then she steals it and reads the passage. Is this where we are? We can just get to that because who cares. But yeah, yeah, yeah, she reads. Here's the thing.

Here's a tip. Here's a life lesson, kids. Never read from the book of the dead. Yeah, especially like on site either. You want to take that to a secondary location. Yep. Like, you know, a museum. I don't know

a fucking army barracks something that's not the evil city of the dead like never read the book of the dead in the city of the dead can't just take it to a cabin in the woods right that's where you read the book of the dead it worked out fine for those people

or listen to it on tape read by a charming professor exactly but yeah so I fucking love it right here though she reads it and then like the mummy you see the mummy wake up back in the tomb and the Jumanji guy fucking freaks out.

He's like, don't read from the book. It's kind of great. Also, question, so when they find this sarcophagus, like, it just falls and it lands, like, you know, horizontally, why are we in these movies? Because the same thing happens in the Karloff movie. Why are we opening these sarcophagi while they're standing up? Yeah, let's, lay it down. That's how they, these guys are like springloaded, ready to come out.

They got bad news. what do you want bad knees who's got bad knees the mummy brenton fraser he's been running all this time he hasn't given anybody he does his he left his heroin in the boat well then he definitely shouldn't be lifting up a sarcophagus to position it vertically just to open it and racial vice gets hit the face with a skeleton also a good point so a shit ton of locusts come they run into the temple dude this first guy that eats shit this mr burns this guy there is an outright but my glasses joke in this

movie it's a Velma joke yeah his glasses fall out and then he doesn't eat shit entirely the mummy takes his eyeballs and his tongue yeah it's pretty great oh Mr. Burns he's walking around with like the sockets open pretty cool

it was a pretty great moment actually I think Rachel Weiss like walks in on him and she's he's like my eyes and she fucking screams and then like the mummy the mummy comes out right here. It does not look good. But then she's like, wait a second. Mummy, what's

happening? And she turns back to this Burns guy. He's like, also, it cut out my top. The eyes look really bad. I think terrible. I thought they just put gum over his eyes at first. Oh, God. It doesn't look like a socket. It's like a CGI trying to look

like a socket, but it looks like just like a flat panel over it or something. But right. It's a socket. If there's a light in the skull. Chris, if they covered it in blood it would maybe look okay yes i mean also like the mummy i want to press the x button just to get to the next level like honestly like i see this this this uh cinematic before we're good to go well steve i want to ask you a question you're the resident glasses um now if you drop your glasses in a hallway and there's a mummy after you everyone's running away like you would

why not just fucking bumble your way like run forward who cares if you hit something when you get an eye exam and the doctor tells you you need glasses. He gives you some protocol you do. If your glasses fall off, no matter what your vision is, you have to fall to your knees and pat the ground nearest you to find your glasses or else you might step

on them. My gosh. My gosh. You won't even have the decision. It's just going to be reflexes when it happens, buddy. Don't worry about it. I would very much appreciate if the mummy had to wear glasses the rest of the movie. Yes. Oh, he's just, yeah, because he's got Mr. Burns Bad eyes. Right. And then he could do like

you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? That's... And also, like, it's weird, I mean, look, it's cool that, like, he has to reassemble himself, but not enough for Arnold Voslou. Like, this is what I'm here for, man. Yeah, there is more Voslu in the second movie.

And also, you know what? I want Voslu fucking wrapped up in bandages. That's what I want to see. I'm sorry. I agree. I would rather see a fucking person than this fucking, like, Jar Jar Bink skeleton.

Well, I will say, though, this is, again, going like because in the the carloff movie you've got like the mummy for a little bit but once that motherfucker I mean the same thing happens like he eventually just is walking around like Boris Carlo yeah for sure I mean he just

he builds back up that's the problem with doing this as an action and adventure movie is like the mummy is slow yeah the movie's like it's Wilford Brimley now walking is what the mummy should be like this is well the move this movie is slow I guess the mummy is a little fast

mummy moves but this you take an hour to get to the fucking mummy and I guarantee Boris Karloff was busting out those toilet papers earlier Carloff not so much of a running mummy though that's not yeah he's shuffling he's shuffled

but how long does it take you to see the fucking mummy in the original uh kind of as long as this maybe maybe less because it's a shorter movie but like percentage of the movie wise probably the same 2030 yeah uh yeah anyway they narrowly escape

um There's some, the mummy yells at Brendan Fraser, Brendan Fraser yells at the mummy, yada, yada, yada. They end up going to some hotel. It's kind of amazing because they're bringing, like, oh my God, I can't believe what happened to Mr. Brooks, whatever that guy is. Like, if we're out on the town, we go on vacation,

we do one of these great shows that we're going to do in the fall. And, you know, like, we go, and at the show, someone stabs my eyes out and takes my tongue out. I would, I would hope that one of you would stick around, as opposed like, yeah, we're going down to the bar. We'll see you later. Steve, you need anything or you need anything, Steve, or what? I need help.

Yeah, you're good, right? We're just, me and Chris and Eric, we're just going to go down. You know, I'd be honest with you. It's probably going to turn into two or three drinks. I know they said one, but we had a reach. It's been a really hard day. Steve, it's going to be fine. We're just mash a banana in your bowl later tonight.

You've got to. I need someone to read me a book. something would be nice. Don't worry. This area is really nice. We're just going to leave you here to roll around. Yeah, no, it does kind of suck that they're like right down to the bar. But man, this movie, I mean, because we're like, we've been talking the past few days about how we're supposed to be on tour right now. We're not. And like, man, they're just drinking in this hotel bar. And I was like, not only do I miss bars and not only do I miss hotels, but boy, do I miss hotel bars.

Oh, hotel bars are super fun. Oh, man. Oh, man. So there's a, there's a dumb argument. here. We don't have to waste much time on it. But like, Brennan Fraser is basically like I'm done. You know, I told you I was going to fucking get you out there and get you back. That's what I did. We're good to go. And she's like, he's trying to like pack

her. This is more of the like monkey business bringing a baby kind of thing. Where like he's trying to like pack her suitcase for her. She's unpacking it kind of a thing. We're missing the weird Jewish scene with Kevin J. O'Connor and the religious things when he becomes.

that is. Well, Chris, I wouldn't say I'm missing it. Yeah, totally. I noticed the cabin and I was happy to breeze by in my notes, but go right ahead. It's a huge moment because it's when he becomes indebted to Imhotep. And now he's agent. Well, it starts off as a totally fine gang. He has a cross

and it's like, you know, the power of Christ, yada, yada, yada. And that the mummy keeps coming. So now he's got all these other religious idols and it's like going in all sorts of different languages, hoping one of them will stick, you know, fits with the character. The mummy noticed he's got Betty Boop on his t-shirt

and stops. The mummies, the mummy's like, ah, Betty Boop boardwalk t-shirt, G-T-L.

No, but then he's like, oh, he starts speaking Hebrew and he's got a Star of David, and he's like, ah,

and this is all in a subtitle. He's like, ah, the language of slaves, you'll come in handy. Wah ha ha ha. Yeah,

totally. Yeah, dude. No, thank you. Well, also the Morven-Ick fact. if we're going to backtrack and talk about this scene in the middle of both of those options

you guys talked about. He holds up a tiny Buddha and fucking, as the subtitles call it, starts spouting Asian gibberish. It's quite terrible. See our fucking Scooby-Doo animation damnation episode, by the way, for more of that shit. But that's definitely going on in this movie and he's definitely fucking doing a voice a little bit. Ha-chi-machi, ladies and gentlemen. Still the Clinton Wild West years, but yeah, so they're in this bar where we cut to, like, there's this dude Winston who's like this

British imperialist, like Royal Air Force officer leftover guy. I like this character. He's drunk fucking rules. Yeah, he represents the decay of the empire and the set, you know, the, it's definitely ending. He's like British Pat Hingle a little bit. Yeah, definitely British Pat Hingle dude. Actually named

Winston. just to give it a little punch It's totally great Wizard Churchill's a piece of shit now so I always depends on who you ask man I bet

what do you think Gary Oldman would have to say that I would rather not know oh wait who cares ask anyone from India I'm sure they'll have a good retort for you but so yeah

so Imhotep and Benny find this fucking Burns dude and finish the job on this guy. Everyone's getting to, like the mummy's power is he turns everybody into the Mrs. Bates corpse from Psycho. Yes. Everyone's getting fruit cellared

in this movie. I think it's really funny how the mummy's like, no, no, no, I really like that first guy. Yeah, no, I'm going to finish my body with that first guy. We're going to have to find that one specific guy. I can't be whole until I get Mr. Burns. It's something, something they're holding

on to jars that have his essence or something. That's true, because the Americans, they took all these jars from the city, and apparently it's like, oh, this is all the great stuff I need. Yeah, it's all, they're all like cat-shaped cookie jars. Kevin J. O'Connor,

if you can get me more hunks, I will eat the hunks. But these are hunks we have right here. I would just eat these hunks. Now go get me the humps. Bring me the hunks. He brings back Wade and I say, what did I tell you? What did I

tell you? See, nobody cares. So they're about to like do a shot to Mr. Burns or something like that back at the bar. And everyone like takes a sip and spits it out immediately. And they're like, oh, we know that taste precisely. We're drinking blood for some things. Yes. I love it.

Like, ah, not again. But so what they're realizing here is as I think Odette Faire's character mentions later on that like, or maybe has already mentioned it, I don't know, that with the return of Imhotep will also be the ten plagues of Egypt so all of the water of Egypt turning to blood and we thankfully have the character of Jonathan who

whenever the next like plague thing happens this motherfucker like recites from the text like what the actual lines are like referring to the specific like when the you know the bugs come or like when the boils come you know like this guy's right there to quote

scripture. See, we can do the rest. We can do all the research. We got it all here. Shut your fucking mouth to watch the movie. How about that shit? I didn't see any fucking frogs, man. I want those frogs. Yeah, marry a frog. Big problem. And the Amy Mann song too. Exactly.

William H. Macy climbing up a fucking side of a house falls over. Oh, here's a dumb thing. The mummy's scared away by cats. Yes. Well, I mean, also so yeah, the mummy's about to get Rachel Weiss. and like they're shooting at him nothing's happening

this white cat comes out who rules his is it's hilarious and he he leaves that cat by the way is now part of the team every time every time we're going somewhere I'm bringing that fucking cat it works yep that's true because Brendan Fraser literally uses the cat

a few minutes later as a weapon and I was like put that fucking mangy animal in a bag and take it with you on this adventure dude that's all you need they should recruit like a cat lady like a a local cat lady in Egypt and like she could like throw the cats at them

like that Simpson's character she's just like sitting on a camel riding around with a sack hanging off of it hucking cats at people Emma we need the cats no not the old newspaper just the cats there's a great

moment here where so that we we see that Imhotep is following the Jumanji guy around meanwhile Brendan Fraser as finds Benny is in this hotel as the mummy's like laying siege to it

and he fucking throws a chair across the room at this dude it's breathtaking this chair toss it's great he's like lifting him up like the undertaker part trying to like decapitate him in a ceiling fan that's kind of fun I loved every second of Brendan Fraser bullying Kevin J. O'Connor

in this movie it's fucking great but yeah so Benny as it turns out Benny and the mummy are looking for the Book of the Dead, of course. The mummy guy is murdered. And at this, or the mummy, the Jumanji guy is murdered, totally sucked dry.

And now he's like kind of almost looking like Arnold Voslou. He didn't last five seconds, what you're saying? No, no, no, no. He did not. He could not. No one can last five seconds. With this mummy, you won't last five seconds. And in this hotel, Imhotep

goes on a real suck fest here dude, because after he sucks off the Jumanji guy, then he goes back to who I titled American Hunk 3. Yeah. By the way, it's totally fine to suck off American hunks. You just say it like,

oh yeah. There's no problem with that. Not at all. No, I'm just saying that's literally what's happening in the movie. And it's a direct line from This Ain't the Mummy X-XX. Well, the one guy, Kevin, you're the guy you claim is the ugliest one in the group.

he's the guy who has the line he's like so here they're ready the mummy's hunting down all the people that were in that temple and sucking them dry and I was like okay you said it first movie Betty Boop got loose you suck and everyone dry

but yeah this dude this dude is the guy he kind of looks like I don't know the guy's name but he is Kurt Russell's son who was in like everybody wants some among other things. Okay. Yeah, he's the guy that we also said looks like Nicholas Custer Waldo. Or whatever the hell of that.

Oh, okay. So it's this dude. I know. Well, I don't know what it is, but I think that's just funny. He should play Jay in there. Jimmy Lannister. Yes. So this dude, the Great Dane himself, not himself, actually. This guy who looks like him. He's whipping this gun around, like kind of

playing around. Just get sucked dry. Just suck dry. The mummy knocks on the door. Suck dry. Don't worry about it. I feel so immature this episode. Maybe it's quarantine madness, but Lord Almighty, suck and dry. It took you 10 years to finally feel immature on this show. You know, yeah, I'm finally embarrassed. But so this is the part where they have the practical effect of the sand going through the door

because this is where he goes after Evie again. And this is where Brendan Fraser's like, hey, I'll go or whatever. And fucking throws the cat in his face. face and Arnold Bostler's like, ew, a cat, just runs away. Again, I'm putting that cat on a leash and we're hanging out. You know, we're all going around. And you can totally pare down your team at this point, too.

Yes, exactly. You don't need all these hunks. Oh, man, there should have been a Halloween Garfield special where he just bullies the shit out of the mummy. Oh, man. Come on, mommy. Don't you want some lasagna? Oh, you got some spaghetti sauce on your toilet paper.

Your breath stinks the mummy. I'm a Garfield joke Yeah, it's the only time Garfield ever hissed And then it just cuts to Orson the pig And the barnyard animals For six minutes nobody could use I always like those little

The barnyard friends It was a nice break From the fucking monotony Of Garfield's everyday existence I don't remember anyone Being sucked off on it But it did have a cock As a character

It's true So yeah They are like trying to get out of this hotel Meanwhile they realized there's a group of folks chanting Imhotep and here's the boils and sores. These guys now are, we're told, are Imhotep slaves. They're basically like the living dead, trying to break down the door to the museum. The whole thing is, you know, the black, we're told the black book brings people back to life.

And the gold book that they need to find can kill the mummy is the idea. Well, you miss the part where Imotep goes around and stokes all of their worst fears. And says he's going to make Egypt great again. And now these people are indebted to him. no matter what he does, they will just follow him around chanting. Imhotep. Get him out of here.

Betty Boop is here. Folks, folks, I hate cats. I hate them. I hate all of them. Oh, maybe that's the way to do it. It's just fucking shove a cat in that dude's face. Maybe that's the end of it. Oh, fuck. That'd be awesome. Horrendous allergy to cats.

They're the symbol of death, folks. The symbol of death. Wait, I'm being grabbed by a pussy. So, Rachel Weiss reads from the other book that apparently this gold book is inside the statue of Horace, which I appreciate this, even though it seems like a little bit of busy work in the movie, all we have to do is go back to Hamanoptera. Yes. It's like, again, compared to those pirates movies where it's like, oh, here's a clue to go to this place. That's only a clue to go to this place to do this thing. And that's a clue to go to this place.

This is like, it's fucking two locations. It's Haminopra and it's Cairo, and that's it. The ancient scroll says, we built that set. We better use it. Written by the ancient wise one, the production designer. And now we're reading from the budget. But yeah, so there's a little bit of a car chase here. They all like jump into Jonathan's car.

and the mummy and his goons like you know get the descend on the car trying to pull him out or whatever and then this is where Chris's favorite character the ugliest man in America falls out of the car and I thought for a minute I was going to get a Sean of the Dead rip him open right there

that'd be dope. Well that's what that's because that's a question I text to you guys when I was watching it like are these guys actually zombies like is this dude being eaten like how is he actually meeting his end? Well he's getting sucked dry That's because that's the last No it is It's the last person to get sucked dry

So suck them dry I'll pay your medic I'll pay your lawyer's fees No reason the juice guy gets ripped apart That well that's sorry I'm I'm conflating deaths right here We got two deaths back to back Yes the guy The ugliest guy in the world

He just gets he just gets killed by Imitap He is sucked dry just like everybody else And at that point It now he looks just It's full Arnold Baselieu There's no a CGI in his face or anything like that

because for a while it's that obnoxious like it's mostly Arnold Voslou except they think it's cool if you can see through his cheek now I thought that was kind of cool really I prefer it to the I would prefer that to the whole

like skeletal zom zomp oh I definitely prefer it to that I just think like the CGI isn't quite there for that kind of shit but like that's what we were doing with CGI around then like you liked looking through things But this movie specifically, because, like, the mummy, here's the thing, like, you could make that mummy totally practical effects from the jump, except someone was like, wouldn't it be cool if you could see through parts of him?

And the answer is no. Yeah. And the answer's no. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's always no. This is also industrial light and magic. So it's also like, they were promising the fucking sky to everyone in the 90s. Yeah. No, you're totally right. But so they all escape into the sewer after that dude eats shit. Well, they kidnap, well, yeah, they kidnap Rachel Weiss. She does not make it. The mummy tries to like, the mummy's doing some bad lying right here because he's like, yeah, if you give me Rachel Weiss, I'll totally let all of her friends live. Definitely. Don't worry about that.

I'm a cool mummy. What are you talking about? Look, I'm just a traditionalist. I'm not a racist or a hate monger. I'm just a traditionalist. I'm going to steal this woman to be my bride. I definitely won't kill any of you people. Yeah, I'm a cool mummy.

You got you kids can drink in the. fucking tomb. As long as you do it here, I'd prefer you do it here that out. Who knows what you're getting into? We can screen those, the movies of the trains here. I'm cool. We can get some new stuff. New stuff here. The new Loubier brothers right here.

But this is where also wheeze and the juice guy is like no to no, like you get out of here. I'll fend them off, which is totally pointless. He could have just as easily jumped down with these people. But you got to start killing off this huge army of folks, I guess.

It's the thing, the same thing happens to Oded Fair layer where it's like, no, no, white characters, I'll fend them off. You go. Yeah, totally. The mummy as he's going away says, or is it, no, yeah, live, Ed Fair is like, no, Brendan Fraser, don't kill these people. Live today, fight tomorrow. Brendan Fraser looks this mummy dead in the eye and goes, I'll be seeing you again. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Pretty badass, dude.

So they have to get back to Hamanoptera. They hire our favorite British drunk, Winston Halleck. we're told. And you know what? When you need quick transportation into a dangerous situation, you want an elderly drunk pilot with nothing to live for. Who's near death? Who's near death as well? Yeah. They didn't like think

this thing through because like Odette Fair and John Hanna are just tied to each wing like they're fucking, I don't even, like their guns essentially. Like there should be a second plane. Like come on. What are we talking about? Yeah, maybe he's got like an old shithead like buddy

of his or something that can take more people Or Odette Fair knows how to fly a plane And he's got two planes Yada yada yada yada yada Oh la di da Steve wants two planes in the middle Of the desert Not one, not enough

I think this is where the movie Start to like jump the shark a little bit With the fucking sand tornado shit And like the mummies controlling the whole world And I honestly I started to zone out And I feel like Really

I got bogged down With the middle of this movie And I was just like Okay let's get there. Well, the ending. Fight the fucking mommy already. The ending gets really clumsy and it's like the last level in the video game and there's

one too many things we got to worry about for me. Yeah. I disagree but we'll continue. No, stop the show. After 10 years we're cancel. We can't self-cancellation on this one.

I mean, whatever dude. I fucking dig on the sand tornado. The guy, Winston's like, I've never seen one that big before. You realize, and while I think the tornado thing is cool, this is dumb. This is how the mummy, this is how Imotep is taking Rachel Weiss and Kevin J. O'Connor with him. Like, they're wrapped up in the tornado because he just like, the tornado like poops them both out. And I was like, ah, that's not, that's not cool. Aren't you just vomiting a lot after that?

And aren't your bones liquid? Yeah, but all you see is Kevin J. O'Connor, like, spit out a bunch of sand, like, pitouie, Pitooey is like, no, you'd be dead or like, you'd be able to breathe, your eyes would be ruined for like, ever. She'd look like Bruce Davidson at the end of X-Men. Yes. I mean, they should cut to the inside and for whatever

reason, like, you know, the reason is mummy magic. They're just like sitting there on like a couch or something. It's like, well, this is actually pretty comfortable. Climate control. How about that? But yeah, they're spit out. It's kind of stupid, whatever. But so then the mummy is like, oh man,

there they are. Like he spots the plane. and, you know, Rachel Weiss is like, oh, O'Connell! Everyone is yelling fucking O'Connell in this movie, man. Kind of annoying. Yeah, we're not happy about it. This dude does die. The old-year-old friend there, he just got to, he's, they're like, let's go. Let's go off on this adventure.

Come on. Oh, no. But that's the thing that gets him fucking horny for it, though, Steve, is he's like, Brandon Fraser says something about, like, it's very dangerous. There's a good chance we're not going to survive. And the guy's like, did you just tell me, I may. finally fucking die out here. Yeah, let's do it.

Like, he gets totally into it. So his wish is fulfilled because the plane crashes and, uh, dead fair, Brandon Fraser and this, uh, the brother there are alive. This poor old man is just dead in the cockpit covered in sand. Well, guys, we have to do it for the old drunk now.

That's really what we have to. We got to, this guy died for us with this old, I, what's his name? Uh, do you guys remember his name? They should, They should use the book of the dead on him and try to resurrect him. Oh, nice, big fat mummy. And then he'd be like, oh, man. Oh, look out.

It's the BFL. It's a big fat mummy. Coming to drink your alcohol. You can most definitely hear him coming. Not so much a shuffle as a stomp and a gait. Oh, no, that's like a 90s gross out comedy and like it's using its own paper to wipe its ass. Yeah. Oh, I like it. Exactly. He used his own wrappings

as his toilet paper for sure. Oh, man. He's like, he's a bad joke and it would be like, oh, look, my left leg's bigger than my right leg because I had diarrhea last week. You know what? Let's not kill him. He looks like he's going to kill himself. This is not good.

And also like, you know, they go out for wings and like everyone's using the mummies, the big fat mummies, bandages to wipe their mouth. You know, make sense. Dude, that's his he gets a job. All right. It's a different scenario. It's the mummy. He gets a job at Applebee's. Sure. Of course. And his

job is just go around and offer his services as being like a moving paper towel rack, like a napkin holder for people eating fucking endless riblets or whatever they sell at that restaurant. Some big guy. I guess the guy from the order of the boop goes and takes the whole

big fat mummy into the bathroom. This will do. blows his nose into it. Oh, and one last final insult for this poor old man after he dies in this plane crash, the fucking plane itself sinks into quicksand. Yeah, it's a thing where it's like,

bread and phrase is like, oh shit, he had a son or something. I should really tell somebody when I get, please remind me to tell someone when we get back that that guy's definitely dead and out here. He's like, oh, right. I remember like two months ago, I was back at the hotel bar with Winston

and he kept telling me this is my son oh it was a lot of hard drinking that night I really don't oh this is my son oh Winston Jr. I remember let me call him up. Yeah yeah I left your dad to die in the desert his body has been claimed by the sands

and I did not bother to bring it anywhere sorry. Just like that old bastard wanted and the guy hangs up the phone. Sounds about right. So I love one of the great details here a dead fare rips the machine gun off the plane and that's like his fucking the badass weapon

he's carrying around it's pretty cool it's cool yeah i mean we go in and like there's a bunch of fun action stuff that takes a while pretty much i mean there's no reason to go through all of it highlights include a scarab almost murdering jonathan but then brendan fraser cots it out of this man's chest you got to do it dude you just got to do it there and this is where i think steve to your point about it would be cooler if there was more like horror elements I'd be cool if I fucking saw this

yes like blood he's digging it out like Rambo taking out a bullet well I have like my problem with the research is at at some point like you're talking to scarabs they at the point at the early when they're explaining what they do they're like they eat very slowly they like

they picked Arnold Voslu apart in this fucking chamber and then like when you see them actually doing stuff they go through them like me and a chicken wing very true it's so fast that kind of doesn't make sense. Chris, I also eat chicken wings like a cartoon cat

all the way in, bones out. And I make the same clicking noise while I'm doing it. Oh, no, the cat was in the plane and we didn't know it. Like that's, it just got cut for time. Oh, fuck. Will they bury the cat in the quicksane? Yeah, that's, yeah, that's sad. Our best weapon.

Fuck. Fuck. Yeah, it's like losing your gun in a battle. Yeah, totally. Or losing your glasses in a temple. so yeah there's a great thing we're here where they all they reach this there's a treasure room thing that we go through but then this is emotep dude he's got a little fucking mummy army here and I appreciate a lot of these dudes these are the dudes just in practical suits yeah of course there's cgai to be had but there are a lot of guys just running around

and mummy costumes around here it looks good it does yeah it totally does I do like uh imotep arlovasel gives them all a nod like oh my mummy army is back like I Hello, gentlemen. Getting the band back together. Good to see the old boys here. Guess what? What's it been? Three thousand years?

Fellas, guess what? When my girlfriend gets back, I'm going to let you watch me banger. Oh, yeah. I'm ho-top. No, he's just like, no, gentlemen, this world is full of hunks. I promise you hunts to resurrect you all. Oh, man, hunks to beat the band in this movie. We are going to Melrose Place.

And, you know, we should say, you know, we were talking about, like, those American guys as the hunks, do not want to lose sight of at the, the prologue of this movie, all of the Imhotep priests and the Pharaoh's bodyguards, these are all, it's a fucking snack room in here, dude. The gold man group that we got going on here earlier on. Yeah, the body paint doesn't do it for me, but the other guy's totally fine. Sure. Some of them are really built, too. Oh, my God. it's crazy. So, yeah,

the Arnold Boslu Imotep is trying to do the ceremony as Evie tied to a board with like his lady friend's mummy next to her. Again,

this is straight up from the old Universal movies. Got it. Trying to do a little body switch action here. Although in the Universal movies, I think they use

the same actress to play the princess and the modern day character. See, that would be interesting because

it would be like oh like reincarnation is that a thing is that possible destiny but exactly dude and that's the way the original movie positions it because he looks at her and is like oh well that must be her whatever and I think they do confirm she's a descendant and this movie the closest

you get is that she fucking says that her mother is Egyptian question mark and also like is Jonathan's mother Egyptian as well like how does that I thought there was some stray line that she eludes to like a step or a half brother situation in that same campfire scene but i can't be certain that

that's what she says the mummy is like pepe lepue he sees the first girl and he's like yeah it's my bride or whatever it's it's it's it's it's he's been in a box for 3,000 years dude i guess so he fucking take rosan oh that's a well maybe maybe not actually that's a female hunk that's perfect that's perfect for my girlfriend let's get one of those goes over here. A female hunk. You got more of these? Okay, so it's the mummy starring Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr.

It's the 1980s mummy. Oh, so much cocaine went into that screenplay. There's a great move somewhere around here. They're trying to just like fucking, you know, raise hell and get out of this temple and whatever. But there's a thing. Oh, that's what it is. They're running

from some of these mummies and they're trying to like close a doorway. And Brendan Fraser has that that same stick of dynamite from earlier. And he uses O'Dedfair's stubble, like his beard stubble to light the match. Kind of a cool move, I have to say. That felt very Indiana Jones. Yeah, or like, you know, spaghetti Western. Oh, yeah, sure, definitely.

Speaking of Indiana Jones earlier on, the fat guy that eats it from bugs, he goes, bugs, I hate bugs. Oh, that sucks. I miss that. There was one point in this movie where I did, because I was racing against time to get the record on and everything. So I had to pee, and I definitely did not pause it for like two minutes. That might have been the bugs part, dude. You didn't miss much.

Fair enough. See, it's getting bogged down. It's getting bogged down. Well, so we will keep going forward then. So, by the way, I keep saying, oh, dead fair, that's the actor. The character is Ardeth Bay. And so we're fighting, you know, trying to get the, the, find this fucking book here and everything. And then they're trying to get away.

And this is where Ardeth Bay is like, no, no, no. you white people go on ahead I'll stay behind and kill all these mummies for you. It is more important that you live not I. Yeah so the ceremony is going on Rick and Jonathan break into the fucking room. This is, Brendan Fraser

kicking some serious mummy ass in this scene pretty fun. Yeah, it's fun and you know, this probably goes on a little too long. We're just fucking around a bunch. Here's a thing that I'm really conflicted about because I think it's very funny but it does you guys are correct add to the let's just fucking get to the end credits he's fighting

these mummies and there's a scene where like or a moment in the scene where one mummy is trying to like hold him down while another one drops a huge tablet on him yes and it's fucking hilarious but i was like looking at the clock like guys he kicks some on he kicks a mummy in the balls too that's kind of fun yeah yeah i was curious about the mummy testicle situation It just turns to dust, obviously. My mummy ballsack. You know what it looks like if you kick a mummy in the nuts, actually, Steve? It's like when a baseball player is like tossing the old pouch of chalk around and get his hands all chucked up.

And all the like the chalk dust is flying that you kick a mummy in the nuts, dude, the same chalk dust goes everywhere. That makes perfect sense. I mean, so whatever, man. they're trying to read from the book or whatever Jonathan reads a spell where there's all these mummies that he can control for a second and he's like hey mummies why don't you go ahead and fucking kill

Anaxu Namur that's the lady friend so they do that immohips imo hips fucking pissed off about that where you know Rick there's a dumb ass thing right here this is the dumbest part of the movie he's going to the mummies going after Jonathan and

Brendan Fraser comes in and cuts off his arm and then there's the fucking dumb thing where you see Arnold Vaslu just like pretending to push his arm back onto his shoulder? I think this is Eric's Industrial Light and Magic. No, it's going to look amazing. You've got to put as many stupid

effects in this movie as possible. But that's what I'm saying though. There's no effect here. It's another like the arm falls off in Brendan Fraser's or Jonathan's like, wow, look at that. And they run away and it cuts. And it's literally just Arnold Vasslu stretching his arm and holding it. Hey Arnold.

Hey Arnold. Yeah, it's Stephen. You know, your good friend, Steven Somers. How you doing? Just rub your arm like you've been working out a lot. Just rub it like that. And then you know what? We're going to do this. We're going to do this. Okay. Let's go rolling. I mean, it's pretty much what happened, Kevin. He's literally just like rubbing his shoulder. Like, oh, geez, I slept on that wrong. Yeah. So, you know, we just fight. There is some right here, this final battle with Arnold Vassel and Brennan Fraser. For whatever reason, Arnold Vassel was just down to underwear. This dude was fucking physically. fit for the mummy.

Absolutely. Holy shit. Dude, you see the fucking thighs on this guy? Before this, he's got like a big open robe, like big, like it's like Arnold,

Alfred Molina and Boogie Nights again. Yes. It's definitely out. It's the professional wrestler while he's still walking down the ramp. This is the big coat and everything. But yeah, this is like now we're here for the main event.

That fucking thing goes off. And this dude was fit as fuck for this movie. And they just fight a little bit or whatever. They finally say the rest of the lines from the book. And then this like horse-led chariot comes out of nowhere and steals Arnold Voslu's soul from him. Sure. It looks like trash.

It's not good. This is like fucking Disney's haunted mansion shit right here. And it's tough. And then like, oh, we thought we were going to kill him, but he's still alive. But then Brendan Fraser impales him and he's just dead. Yeah. those things took away his made him mortal is the idea

so he drops down into some sort of fucking Lazarus pit here and says he gets a T2 ending yeah it is kind of a T2 ending but instead of I need a vacation it's death is only the beginning it's like he goes halfway into like the under the skin pool yes oh yeah

so that's like oh death is only the beginning subtle sequel set up time is but a door death the window I'll be back is that what he says exactly dude. He quotes Vigo the Carpathian verbatim. Got it, got it. He's a big fan. Oh, there were pals back in the day. And while

all this has been happening, the dumb gag is we keep gutting back to Benny, Kevin J. O'Connor's character, and he is in the treasure room. He's been putting a bunch of treasure into sacks and trying to get this camel to help drag it all out. He's been tricking

Elmer Fudd, he's been stealing stuff from Daffy Doc. Totally, dude. He's really causing some Well, now's the time to trick Elmer Fudd. He's no longer packing heat. Oh, that's right, dude. What's this new hobby going to be, you think? Complaining about it. You know what? Alex Jones here, I think his new hobby is going to be being a crisis actor, being paid to protest or whatever liberal values. They're shoving into these liberal tunes.

Catch him in bed with a fud. Liberal tunes. Info fun. Info fun. That's definitely with that station. Thank you, Alex. I love your show. Oh, finally, I can get on a platform and express my opinion without feeling attacked. You might as well make Tasmanian devil not spin.

You disgust me. I spit on you. Oh, I'm looking around at all of my former co-workers and bugs still gets a carrot. Tweety still lives in a cage. Now, let me ask you this, Almer. Are you, as upset as I am, that I have to buy a DVD of Gone with the Wind instead of having it streaming? I exclusively watch movies on HBO Max, and they took off my favorite movie that I definitely could, but will not, stream on 10 other platforms. Let me ask you, is there any worth having any other streaming service that doesn't have the word Max in it?

Be honest with me. It's not. Now, isn't it true that streaming rights and licensing of certain titles to certain distributor, that's, that's impending my freedom. Call it, Netmax. First Amendment right. Netmax.

Oh, man. So, yeah, they, you know, Kevin J. O'Connor accidentally hits the self-destruct button for this temple. You know, so, oh, we better get moving, you know. But he is left behind in the treasure room to be fucking hilariously picked apart by these scarabs in the dark. I could have used a little more of it.

I mean, obviously it's a kid movie for kids, but like, like, obviously the thing, like, all the lights go out and all these scarabs come out and he's, he does scream in pain, which I appreciate. We, it's a really great blood-curdling scream, but it would be fucking awesome. If all of a sudden you heard like a clicking sound and it was this, like a scarab was relighting one of the torches just so all that, like, the scarab community could gaze upon their work and be like, wow, we really fucking ate that guy good. can even do the blackout gag where it's like it's it goes black he goes and then he goes

it's in my asshole that way at least you know you get a little bit you get more of a visual image yeah uh stephen we uh we really love uh this the mummy you have done it again i mean this is a lot of fun it is a lot of fun all around one note uh the end of the movie when your character benny which is a character i just fell in love with uh screams it's in my asshole when the lots go out. Yeah, you're going to have to cut that out. Universal Pictures does not support bugs going in people's asses, son. Buck off. I walk. That's the most important scene of the movie. So, yeah, we're going to keep it ties it all together. What are you talking about, man? The whole movie is working towards Kevin J. O'Connor getting a scarab to burrow up his ass.

Read the text. It's right there. Yeah, I did all the Brendan Fraser stuff, but that was just sides. stuff. That's the broccoli and mashed potatoes, man. The steak is Kevin J. O'Connor's asshole. Release the asshole cuts. Yet again, we keep asking for it. Every movie has one, apparently. We should have, like, a POV shot of those, like, those scarabs, like, going down and going right up into his butt and going, like, a nice little sound of like, thump, goes inside,

and then it goes dark. Yes. That would be really great, dude. You know what you could do, Eric, you get a tape recorder. Go out to one of the. old like drive-through tellers at a bank where you put the little thing in the tube and it goes like

that's the sound you should capture or absolutely it ends like uncut gems begins because you follow this thing and do his colon yes I would love that dude you have pulling a reverse uncut gems

so whatever man everybody escapes it turns out Ardeth Bay has lived to fight another day he's just got a little he tested very well they're like you got to get that hunk back. Yeah. What thing I forgot?

What is with the ghost chariot? That's what we were talking about, dude. That's the thing that looks like something out of haunted mansion. Yeah, it takes his immortality away. I thought you were talking about the soul wave thing. Oh, there's two couple of, it's a couple of things that happened there. Yeah. Yeah, whatever that shit is crawling out of the pool, no.

Yeah, the chariot thing. Wouldn't it be great if it was just one thing? The one thing? Yeah, it would be nice. Yeah, it's clear. I still don't know what that pool is, that soul pool. I do not know what the pool. soul pool as either. But you know what's

crazy? It's two weeks in a row where we're talking about movies with soul pools, by the way. That's true. Scooby-Doo had one. But we, like, I remember the soul pool is in the early when they take the soul out of the girlfriend early on. The chariot thing, I just don't know what that is.

Yeah. It's, it's really out of left field and doesn't work. Nobody knows what it is. Just have a chariot scene. Have a chariot scene, Stephen Summers. Well, because you can't even see who's driving it. You can just sort of make out like three horses. Is that the Farrow? I mean, maybe it's

supposed to be his like chariot? That would make sense if the Pharaoh satire came back. Like you, you betrayed me in life and now death. Yes, exactly. Like, get that dude to come back and yeah, he's all like a CGI blue ghost or whatever, but it would work.

We're Smurfs now. That's the fucking Egyptian afterlife. Look, if Kevin J. O'Connor's asshole's number one, the ghost chariot's number two. Okay? So, it's stays in. I don't care if it doesn't make sense. Stephen Summers had some weird priorities for this movie. It sounded like.

Not what you'd expect, honestly. That's true. And so, I mean, that's the end of the movie. Like, Brandon Fraser and Rachel Vise kiss on a camel because they have to. Sure. Because it's a fucking Hollywood movie. The brother starts like throwing up. He's so disgusted that

someone's tongue kissing his sister in front of him. Sister fucking. Here we go. Yep. Everyone's drinking coronies at the end, riding through the hot desert. with a cool coroni. But then you find out as they're riding away and this guy's complaining, oh, we did all that for nothing. And by the way, we caused the deaths

of, I don't know, hundreds of people. Our fucking white Tom fuckery in Egypt has cost at least the death of a hundred people. I would say that's fucking, that's a safe minimum, dude. And like, those hunks died the worst way possible

and it's totally your fault. I would have a little bit of introspection. But it's like, oh, we got nothing out of this. And then, oops. the camel has a bunch of gold on it. Oh, right. Yeah, there's one of Kevin J. O'Connor's like little bags has a bunch, there's a bunch of overflowing

Jewels and whatnot in it. And that's, that's, that's the end of the mummy, man. 2001, the mummy returns happens. But yeah, what were you saying, Kevin? Que the Wiz Khalifa, Paul Walker is dead song. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I got that camel's pink slip. You're fired, camel. Oh, that kind of pink slip. Oh, I thought the camel was being laid off. Oh, we're in trouble. Let's hit the gnaz on this camel. Like it injects it with fucking opium.

Oh, my God. It works the opposite effect. It's like flames coming out of the camel's asshole. Oh, fuck. It's just fucking this brother feeding it chilling. For some reason, there's a neon green light under the camel. Like, how did that work? Oh, the camel's dashboard?

They, they, like, bend his fucking tail out of shit to make it a spoiler. Jesus. Would anybody recommend Stephen Summers the Mummy 1999? Yeah, somebody on Twitter right before we jumped on the year, put this the right way. I'll see if I can credit them here. It's a God-tier hangover movie, I think. Yes, I did see that tweet. I agree with that.

I'm going to pull it up. You like to credit, show your work here. Yeah, I had a lot more fun with this than I thought I was going to, for the longest time, It's like, oh, the movie sucks, yada, yada. I think I might be conflating with the sequel as well, which sucks really bad, I believe. But this one is, it's super fun. It's a bit too long. I don't think it's like a great, great movie.

It's certainly not one of the best action movies in 1999. Look at you, The Matrix. This is Jamie underscore Marie. So there you go on Twitter. It's a God-tiered-Hagger movie, and it is. That's what I think. Chris Cabin, what do you think, buddy? Oh, yeah.

This is my second favorite Stephen Summers movie, Deep Rising being in the number one spot because it's got blood in it. Yeah, I mean, I really enjoyed, I actually watched this recently, I watched it last year, and I still enjoyed myself here. I do agree, a hundred minutes of this would have been

perfect. But, you know, two hours and four minutes, that's a bit much. Talking about the Mummy Return, Steve, I went to see that in theaters with my father. Like this already. And we went, they get to a part

they're in like a hot air balloon and my dad like yanked me out of the theater and like we walked across to Moulon Rouge but he thought he thought it was going to be better

and then I'm not kidding you 40 minutes into Moulon Rouge he yanks me out of there and we go and like I'm like just a teenager at this point and like I'm like what's going on

and this is verbat verbatim the movies fucking suck and I left and I had to watch both a DVD when they came out I kind of wish

that that story went on and on and he kept going to find the right one like Goldilocks this movie's too stupid well this one's too boring oh that is

fucking hilarious Chris Eric Siska how you feeling about this movie buddy well I did I always thought it was bad but but rewatching I did reappraise it, and I was hung over this morning, so perfect.

It is a good hangover movie. This is a light recommend, very light recommend from me, because I do feel like that middle gets, it's a little too fun in games where I'm just like, okay, all right, all right, okay. Like, I get the characters. I don't have to keep getting them and keep going through these wacky adventures with them. Save some for the mummy returns, pal. Your movie is longer than Star Wars. So, light recommend.

There you go. uh yeah i it's a recommend for me man i i do like this movie i have not it was actually it was one of those things it was really pleasant i was kind of like just sort of quietly excited when we decided to do this because i hadn't seen this movie in a really long time uh so i was happy that it held up for me the mummy returns another note on the mummy returns uh and why it amps up the suckage so much more is uh it takes place like a few years after the first movie and you better believe they have since married and there was a shit-eaten kid that's what it is okay

and he fucking sucks and it's just the absolute worst this little like Freddy or like whatever his obnoxious name is you know he doesn't eat shit but man you fucking want him to oh the character's name is Alex I thought it was directed by John Waters

no no no no but also I mean you do have Duane Johnson in that movie as the Scorpion King set now five sequels to the Scorpion King, five spinoff films. And I think if I'm remembering it right, his appearance in this movie is some like fucking Goro, Mortal Kombat level, like, CGI garbage.

Yeah, I think it's a setup for a spin-off. Like, they knew that they were doing immediately. They were like, oh, it's the Scorpion King. Look out for him. And they knew they were going to do a separate movie. So there's the Scorpion King and then four sequels of total of five films. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. And I'm certain Dwayne Johnson is only in the first one. And then it was like whatever professional bodybuilder was around. Like I think is Kurt Hennig in some of those movies? Possibly. I think Rick Ortiz is in like three of them. It's a lot. Billy Zane shows up at some point.

Billy Zanes in one of those movies? Probably is a bad guy. I would guess if I had to guess. Oh, yeah. Big old ball bad guy that Billy Zane, huh? Oh, that's a weird thing because the old guy in this movie was also in Titanic with Billy Zane. so that's something. But anyway, so that is The Mummy from 1999

directed, of course, by Mr. Steven Summers. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. June's We Love Movies episode is up, right? That is, we still, there's no country for this month.

It was a great episode. People are loving it. I tell an interesting story about my dad. It's worth it. That's so fucking funny. That is a classic Mr. Sada story. My God, I'm... It's actually, it's back-to-back really great Mr. Sadek and Mr. Cabin's Oh, yeah. There's a god dear Chris

Kevin's dad's story on that one too. But the summer blockbuster extravaganza is continued. I'm sorry, we would be remiss if we didn't mention that the catsmentary is out, by the way. Oh, of course, the cat's material. That's a $1.00 level. That's a sickable commentary to the hit movie Cats from 2019.

Listen to us get pretty loaded. Talking about cats while we're watching it. It's really something. So that is also out now. Yes, absolutely. Check out all the offerings on Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies.

And if you go on to our merch, if you go to our merch store, any merchandise that you buy from Tea Public via We Hate Movies this year, the entire year of 2020 will be, all of the proceeds that we get will be donated to charities that are adjacent to Black Lives Matter and fight racial injustice and police brutality. Right. So, yeah, that is all on our website, WHMpodcast.com. Yeah, real quick, check out our YouTube channel as well. We've done some of these quarantine mailbags. They're a lot of fun. It's great to watch along. And there will be previews of the Katz commentary, among other commentaries,

if you're interested in all the other stuff we are doing besides just this podcast every Tuesday. There you go. Now, Steve Sadek, the summer blockbuster extravaganza is rolling on next Tuesday. What big old blockbuster are we talking about then? Such a big blockbuster. I'd left it off the Big Daddy Dispatch the first two times I sent it. It is Shrek the 3rd. There it is.

We're going back. Speaking of, I don't even know what. Speaking of shit. Speaking of shit, dude, speaking of fucking shit monsters. We're back. Shrek the 3rd. And now we are into Shrek territory. I've never seen Shrek the 3rd.

No, me neither. Yeah, me neither. But I've had a tradition of getting extremely drunk on those past episodes. And will it continue? We'll see. we will have to stay tuned for that. So until next week, oh my God,

I just can't even believe it with Shrek the third. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.