We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 491 - Shrek the Third

Episode Date: June 23, 2020

On this week's episode, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza rolls on as the gang reaches their, apparently annual it seems, Shrek-tacular episode—this year covering the heinous Shrek the Third! Why did we need to see Shrek's nipples multiple times? Who thought bringing Arthurian Legend into the franchise was a good idea? And why do so many animation studios feel the need to cram celebrities into minor roles, stealing voice work away from hard-working voice actors? PLUS: Shrek gets cast as Patrick Bateman over Christian Bale and the results are... something! WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. Shrek the Third stars Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Antonio Banderas, Cameron Diaz, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Rupert Everett, Eric Idle, and Justin Timberlake; directed by Chris Miller and Raman Hui. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program we are past the point of no return it's shrek the third i'm jupin stephen sadak eric shrexka there you go ah chris cabin and we hate movies It's. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, an apologies in advance. It's Shrek the 3rd from 2007, directed by the duo of Raman Hui and Chris Miller. Wow, I never thought we'd be here. I mean, I guess I thought we'd be here, but I never thought we'd be here. But I never thought we'd be here. But I never thought we'd be here talking about the third Trek movie. Come on, Andrew, this is a proud tradition of the We Hate Movies podcast.

We have the annual Shrek episode. Sometimes I want to take our proud traditions and kick myself in the balls with them. Cut the shit. We're going to be doing two more of these in the coming years. We've got fucking Shrek forever after next year

and push some boots to year after. Oh, man. Thanks for fucking signing us up for the spin-off cabin, you asshole. Yeah, exactly. You don't say that out loud. This is what planning meetings are for. They know already.

Four years ago, four years ago, on the Shrek the third episode, Chris Kavan said they were doing pussy boots. Now, where is it? I admit a person said it on the internet, so no, we have to do it. Well, speaking of people on the internet, Chris Kavan fucking love Shrek 3 because I made a joke about how I fucking was really not enjoying this. And Chris was like, oh, what are you going to do until I fucking jerk off or whatever he said? Because I don't read his tweets.

Oh, excuse me. Was I wrong? I would like to hear the answer to this question. Was I wrong? No, because you love Shrek. I'm sorry that I insulted your baby. It's interesting that the answer to the question was no. I'm sorry that I insulted your movie.

I'm sorry that I insulted the movie that you love so much. I got to say, I got to say when I saw that tweet I was like, I had a couple of thoughts. One was damn, damn, Christmas really loves Shrek 3. Thank you. But then I was also like, yes, Steve would definitely watch it some Pluto

TV piece of shit right now exactly you got nothing better to do than watch Shrek and since we announced apparently we're watching we're doing Puss and Boots Chris shut the fuck up No I will not because if Shrek the 3 was put out by asylum

Steve would be all over Oh my God I would love to see that I am starting Steve hates movies Without Chris Cabin That's the new podcast Welcome to Burncast Okay so Chris now in Puss and Boots Does Shrek have any cameo

he's trying to get a bus at the start and the doors close on his face? I'll be honest. I have not seen Pussin' Boots because I want to save one. Oh, yeah, yeah. But that is the one, the thing I've been talking about now

for like two years. That is the movie that has the Humpty Dumpty coming in and worrying that he's going to get gang raped in prison. That's where that is. Well, that's something to look forward to. A children's movie, by the way.

A children's movie. For sure. All right. truce until the end of the episode, but we're still not happy with each other. You can tell this shit sandwich is off to a great start because they alter the DreamWorks logo to make it look like

a storm is coming. Ooh, I'm brewing a shit in my fucking bog. It's just whatever, man. I mean, like, I just hate it. I'm sorry. Like, we will talk about this, but I just hate these movies, man. Can I come clean? I literally, I watched it at 9 o'clock at night.

I got a good night of sleep before. I had a nice little dinner. A nice Turkish meal. It was a light meal. And I fucking fell asleep twice during this movie. No kidding. No fucking kidding. It's like 96 minutes long.

Exactly. Steve, you're coming so hard out of the game. Is this your least favorite Trek movie? Yes. Yes. I think this is my favorite Trek movie. Really? Because the first one is an abomination, folks.

Just because it's the start, don't let that fool you. But the second one, was all just like songs about tits and dancing and like the fucking like we got to get together and our parents are like boy I was missing songs about tits dude I just think narratively

this is an interesting like finally we are the revolution has come to the bog and to the kingdom of wow I'm shocked yeah the callback revolution I was just super bored with this one I at least think the first two are really bad. I always

hit the animation, but at least they're like edgy or like trying to push a button and I don't like them at all, but at least like that would like turn me off enough to engage me. Steve, it sounds like you love them. But I see where you're coming from, Steve. Those first two, as obnoxious as they were,

had teeth. No. Yes, they definitely did. Dude, songs about tits. And I'm saying, versus what this movie is where they... Hold on a second. Songs about it's sure okay but apparently in the fuck there's a fucking gang rape in the spin off or something Chris Cabin was I haven't I haven't seen it that I have not seen

that yet I'm sorry about one through three there's that there is a gang rap it's not somebody talking about a gang rape it's an actual five minute gang rape scene and fucking push of course there's not eric dumpty right but the thing about this movie you realize is they were like oh shit younger and younger people are like in these dumb ass movies yeah I think you're right make this one baby shit this is baby It was always baby shit. The first two are baby shit. This is a baby shit empire.

But at least those first two baby shit movies had some teeth in that diaper, dude. It's not go ahead. Rewatch them. Rewatch those movies. Here's the thing. It's not even about the teeth. The first two have energy behind them. You could tell for whatever fucking reason they decide to make those movies.

They wanted to make those first two. There's no energy here. Mike Myers is chapped the fuck out in this voice. Big done. Nothing. Stay out super late. Picking apples, making pies. Put a little something in our lemonade and take it with us.

We're half awake in a baby shit empire. Oh, see, I improv songed what you were singing, Steve. That was good. I wish the National had a song on this soundtrack. Oh, it's the National. I didn't hear any lyrics about being 45 and sad. Oh, look at somebody else. Look at this guy fucking too cool for the national.

Dude, you are on asshole patrol today. This fucking guy pretending to dislike the national. What an ass. What a horse's ass. Oh, man. So Prince Charming's working at a dinner theater, by the way. That's fucking great. And this is the thing.

It's like, at least the first movie was brand new, all this new shit. The second movie, like, we opened the world up. We got this new, you know, the fucking stupid castle. and this whole like stupid Hollywood world which sucked but at least it was big and new and this is like I remember a villain from the last one he's still around he's still kind of upset about stuff what else are they going to do create anything but create a new character the second movie they do the the Hollywoodization of the kingdom of far far away and you get like drive through fast food restaurants you see the disgusting like rodeo drive type of knockoff street there's a brief moment of it in this film but we largely stay away from that decadent opulence. That's true. Until you see it, they definitely pull like a Pottersville back to the future to America and the Trump presidency situation here. Like when he, Prince Charming, like, takes over like towards the end of the movie, it's all like that whole like Rodeo drive thing is just like a fucking shithole war zone town kind of a thing.

Like Pinocchio's been enslaved, you know. they really lay in on like the the biffinization of far far away and i kind of loved it i think it's definitely more yeah biff thing totally i can see that now i wasn't thinking about that during the film by the way in this dinner theater scene did you did you guys read the trivia about this dinner theater scene no okay so when uh so prince charming is like you know they're doing this fucking like theater production it's pretty sad and there are people doing coconuts in their hands to do the sound of horse hooves. Oh, sure.

And according to Wikipedia, Eric Idle, who is in this movie. Right. Playing Merlin. So fucking furious that they used a Monty Python gag, got up, walked out of the theater of the premiere, announcing his intent to sue the producers of Shrek. What in the fuck is that guy's problem? And the Shrek people were like, well, we put it in to honor John Cleese briefly being in the movie and Eric Idol.

and so then then did he be like oh my bad I don't know what happened I really hope that like Eric Idol gets all this Shrek money this is this is exactly what happens when you make Eric Idle's T too strong it's really in a mood just like what a fucking dumb thing to do it's just I mean like it's a it's a

it's clearly a homage to that fun joke and like it's you don't own coconuts pal like you know what I mean like I don't know And I don't know, is it possible that that things like, you know, is that like an old-timey, like theater method? Like, was that used before Monty Python did it? I can't imagine. I mean, yes, obviously the sketch and them doing it, of course. But like, they didn't invent clapping two halves of a coconut together.

That's impossible. I mean, they used it for, I mean, maybe they invented it for the horse hooves sound effect. But anyway, I am team Eric Idol on this. Yeah, for sure. have to stay together and just take down take down Shrek remove this from all streaming platforms

put it back up with a notification that says this movie steals from the work of Eric Idol I want to just because Chris has this thing about and I agree with him that 2007 has some of the best movies it's one of the best movie years it's the worst blockbuster year possibly of all time

what are we talking top 10 highest grossing films in 2007. I'll go 10 to 1. Okay. Number 10, 300. Oh, God. I'm off to a great start. Number nine, National Treasure Book of Secrets. Coming in it, number nine. Number eight, the Simpsons movie. Talk about shit I'll probably never watch again in my life. No. Have you gone back there, Chris? I have not.

Yeah, I haven't either. I just, I'm not interested. Who cares? I remember it being like, okay, like almost like a return to form when I saw it in the theater, but then I kind of haven't thought about it since. I did a, I had the same exact thought in the theater and then when I rewatched it like on DVD, it was like, all right. Uh, number seven, I am legend. Oh, terrible. Number six, Rattatooey. That's, you know, people love that movie and that's, it was thought. You were fine. Uh, number five Transformers. All right. Number four, our boy, Shrek the third. Number three, Spider-Man three. Ooh. How is Shrek the third? How is Shrek the third? the best movie on this list

number two Harry Potter at the Order of the Phoenix which I would concede as the best of this list disagree and number one Pirates of the Caribbean

at Worlds and Hachy Machi actually I think National Treasure Book of Secrets takes it for me what did you say Steve

I think the Harry Potter movie I like the Order of the Phoenix Order of the Phoenix is part five that's one with Patinson dies right or is that goblet that's a goblin I think I'm with Eric on this

actually. Chris, where do you stay? I mean, it's another baby movie, but I think Gratitoui is the best of these movies. Oh, yeah, I guess that's true. It's a, it's a Pixar movie that I'm kind of like, it's, I'm glad other people like it as much as they do.

Pat and Oswald's being funny. What do I got to complain about here? Yeah, I just don't like how he was fucking controlling the dude's body somehow. That shit was creepy out. Whoa. So, like, as a rat, he became a man or he took over a man's soul. in his hat. He's like doing stuff with his

hair. Yeah. What? And he's like, he's driving him with his hair. It's fucking bizarre. Did he like look at his dick? Why would he? Of course he did. The original skis by Kronenberg. On our Scooby-Doo episode, you guys were very firm that if you have any

control over anyone, you'd look at their dick. Excuse me. Excuse me. That was for body swaps only. I love how fucking mad we are, man. It's been it's been fucking four months of quarantine and we're sick of it. We're just fucking jerking

around here, folks. I'm literally jerking off right now. Yeah, what else you're gonna fucking do? By the way, I need to find this tweet. I don't think I saw this tweet. Go ahead. Oh, dude, it's a fucking burn and a half. Chris Cabin. Chris Cabin fucking shooting out

napalm tweets in the night. You might just earn yourself a retweet today. So, French Charming vows revenge, yada, yada. got a sure and we wind up we catch up with Shrek at the gang and is it like he just doesn't want to be king right that's the

idea he's waiting we're waking up in the kingdom is that's what's going on he's got a morning what it's like hey Fiona look at it well here's what we're forced to actually look at Steve and it's shirtless Shrek in bed you know what Shrek is a character that can wear a night shirt thank you very much I don't need to see

Shrek's nipples you're asking too much from a man who bades in his own shit most of the time that's really you're asking too much. I guess so, man. But seriously, Shrek's nipples? Two scenes of Shrek's nipples in this movie. I am pretty sure for these scenes, they use James Gandalfini with the dots on him. Oh, really? I did. I did wonder why Shrek was so into Gabagal.

Oh, he's love all sorts of Italian food, I bet. We're not having like 15 minutes into this. It's time for beer number two. Yeah. There you go, dude. And like, you know, Fiona's like, I got something to tell you. And he's like, ah, once, what we'll talk more once? I'm no longer king. I can't be king no more or whatever he's doing. Yeah, so they're like sort of temporarily holding the court because the king has fallen ill.

And Fiona's like, hey man, like, you know, when my dad's all better, like he'll go back to being king. And then you don't have to worry about it. We can go back to our fucking shit water slide in our bog and whatever. And he's like, all right, fair enough. And then the door bursts open. and it's donkey and his fucking disgusting little dragon donkey babies just pissing and shitting all over the place I think there must have been

you know there's a lot of conversations behind the scenes about this movie about what can and cannot and I feel like some executives were not in on like they're like look I know we introduced them in the last movie we can't kill them because that's too tragic but I want them not in this movie yep has anybody done a little any reason I kind of feel like I have to if there was like a plush of these abominations. There has to be.

That's the only reason they exist is to sell toys. Yeah, absolutely. That's disgusting. Yeah. Like, you're making me look at that so you can sell plush dolls. That's exactly what it is. Eric, people are always getting on the back of Game of Thrones for all the disgusting shit. Was there ever a donkey dragon in any of the Game of Thrones, even in the books?

No, not to my knowledge, but you might want to check out those Pokemon. I think half of them are donkey lizards. That sounds right. That sounds right. I think that's what Charis are. and yeah so and then of course Puss and Boots is also there Puss is acting like he's sort of like Shrek's manager or whatever and this whole thing

is going on and the joke is like oh it's so busy the kids are you know running wild all over the room Puss and Boots is making them go to all these events or whatever and wouldn't you know what the punchline on this whole thing is Shrek is standing in the middle of this bedroom completely naked so so not only

in the last you know few minutes of this movie do you have to see Shrek's nipples and see him in bed with his wife who's presumably, you know, also in night clothes of some kind. You get confirmation right here that Shrek, Shrek, the lovable bog

ogre person that he is sleeps naked. Yeah. And why do I need to know that Shrek sleeps nude? It's easy access for Shrek fucking and Shrek fucks and it's so confirmed in this movie we eventually get little little baby Shrex.

Yep. So that's something. it is something I'm sure we've covered this before and by that I'm sure Eric has covered this before what do you think the pub situation on Shrek is is he a blondie down there oh good question well I

I saw Shrek's chest hair and that was brown I guess you're right there eyebrows doesn't he yeah they're like a like a darkish brown too I think he's got like a wispy little beard down there in that nut sack ah yeah the curtains

match the drapes don't quit telling people otherwise he's just got a full zizi top going no maybe i mean the thing is oh wait on his pew yeah just like it's all it's all encrusted in mud and stuff oh of course was he that's he bathes in mud guys what are you what's gonna happen he's a fucking disgusting ogre that's true he washes off his own cum with fucking mud we also know the donkey it's not just we know that he's naked it's donkey sees this dick yeah donkey is like come on trick put on some pants or whatever. Like, you got more than wood, Shrek, ew.

Yeah, you're hitting the eye with it. And you know that it's not, like, it's not an underwear situation because am I remembering this, right? The horror that was the screening last night, you see also Shrek's, Shrek's butt cheeks right here? No, I don't think you see butt cheeks unless I,

he's walking out of the shower from wild things. You see his fucking quick shot of his dong. It's going to talk to Bill Murray in a neck brace about something. So you see. Sorry, everybody. Quick, quick update. Eric's retweeted it. Yeah, no, I did.

Live on the air. It's a live retweet. Excellent. So you get like a little montage of like Shrek being bad at being the king and it's like that one, they rip off the gag from King Ralph where he's knighting someone and he cuts off his ear. So that's cool. He's like. John Goodman walks out of the screening as well.

That's it. Like one at a time. like the end of 12 angry man everyone leaves the auditorium we didn't i don't think we saw like the ear get cut did we we just had like the sword go down and it was like and then then it kind of cuts away implying i thought murder well no it gets like where he was like cutting right at his shoulder and the sword stuck in oh yes it's just holding up he lets go and it's still there oh is that what the joke is that's even dumber so maybe half an ear or maybe he like really got into this dude's skull that's that's the thing

you don't have to get you don't worry about John Goodman but Michael Matten and Quentin Tarantino are coming for you and they're coming quick Steve you know what this means what's that this sword it will kill that's right yes it'll kill you have to bring home and at your home

for just make the the sword from Shrek ever after the third Shrek movie where the fuck it is the two-handed Shrek sword yeah no I think I got an unfair advantage I'm the only one making this sword in a swamp I'm going to have to

Oh boy I'm going to have to I'm going to have to drop out I'm going to have to drop out of making Shrek's sword Because it's a, oh boy It's getting hot in the sword studio Oh, the taint on this Shrek sword's just no good

It's just not gonna work Hey Donkey, do you think he saw his taint Donkey saw Shrek's taint as well Oh definitely I think he saw the whole thing Oh god that's fucking The chocolate starfish I do like the one joke There's one of two jokes that I enjoy in this movie.

Hey, donkey, don't just stare at it, eat it. Oh, man. I made your breakfast, donkey. Hey, donkey, I didn't take it out for air. Cuey Lewis is playing in the background. I made your chocolate omelet. Hey, uh, Shrek, do you get like a little, like a little shower or something? I thought it was a donkey.

What is it? that was my Paul Allen impression Paul Allen Shrek looking at fucking business cards Hey Paul Allen Look at me new business card It's Bog Brown Can you get into Dossier now

You fuck I would love it if it's just Shrek And a bunch of dudes Including Zach Grinier Sitting at a fucking trendy Soho restaurant Yep, now, donkey. I'm throwing a chainsaw down a hallway to hit a woman.

I'm fucking filming it. I wake up in the morning and I do a thousand sit-ups. I rub this kind of mud on my face because it's very low on alcohol and doesn't dry out in the pores. I wish he had the fucking bathing habits of American Psychos, Christian Bell. five americans thromp a place

and the penthouse is owned by Bog Cruise No, but the one joke that I like is when he's trying to christen the ship and he first breaks the ship with his super strength and then he like

throws the thing, it's a Simpson-esque where he throws the bottle at the ship and it catches fire for some reason. Well, if Ted Knight was still alive he'd be walking out of the fucking room at this And soon enough, Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey would be walking out Because another thing is they do the buzzsaw against the toenails Gag. Thank you. Oh, you're right. It's insane. They just

fucking call back everything from every movie ever made. We are just animating shit from popular comedies. Eric Idol is right. You know what? Yes. You know what? Now I'm team Eric Idol. Fuck these people. The sort of first scene is like this gala that's happened. And, like, I think both Puss and Boots and Puss and Boots is a character. I mean, like, he was the big character from the last movie, like, sure, you got to have him here. But you got to figure out a better way to integrate him. He's an administrative assistant. Yeah.

I mean, come on. Like, the idea in the first one, he was like, or the second one, he's like sexy, roguish kind of whatever. This one is just like, you have the four o'clock meeting kind of a thing. I don't know. That's why I think this is a great example of, like, there's no story left to tell. Like, here was this adventurous. ne'er-do-well cat character that was like all the rage of that second movie and now he's like just taken notes for shrek and making sure he makes appearances on time well i guess because like shrek is

now and you know empowered by the throne you know so it's like a nice easy money kind of job oh he's shreck's uh given his friend's jobs you think right yeah sort of like how i mean game of thrones was mentioned earlier by chris cabin but sort of like how uh peter dinklitch hires uh brawn to hang around Oh, okay. A little bit of cell sort situation. Exactly. There is a story here of like Shrek of having to become the king, but they're like, no, let's just do the thing we did last time. You're totally right. He travels a bit. How about he travels?

You're totally right. That should be the movie. It's like, is Shrek going to be king? Uh-oh. He has to make all these decisions, but he's Shrek. You know what I mean? Like, that's cool. But the problem is like he reaches his decision through like the actions of other people and like what he sees other people doing. there's, there's no, like, actual moment of realization for Shrek as to, like, what he should or should not do about this decision, I guess. He's right from the, like, the whole thought I had was he's going to, so the whole drift of this is that he is going to go find King Arthur, Fiona's cousin, who can take the place of the king. And you think in this travel, he's going to find out actually he should be King, not this Arthur

guy. But it turns out at the end of this stupid fucking movie. it's Arthur who's the king well I mean will would the human population allow a Shrek king like to be king like I don't know choice would they have dude he'll fucking have him executed if they think otherwise

I had a few people why don't they know any other ogres I know are they that endangered like why can't he install his own people you know that's a good question is there something in the first movie about how he's like the last ogre

or thinks he's the last ogre I this is where I can tell you something from the fourth one. He finds his people in the fourth one. There's a time travel thing. I'll get into it because there's another really ridiculous. Time travel. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Get into it. We're not going to talk about the fourth one until next year because it's definitely happening. So, okay, you know how there's a Rumpel Stiltskin in this movie? Yes. They pulled a Terrence Howard Don Cheedle thing with the... What? Because Rumpel Stilton's the main villain in the fourth one. And it's a totally different design.

Completely different. Okay. And a different voice, the whole thing. Next time, baby. And they were going to pay Rumpel Stiltskin to take the ogre curse off of Fiona before Shrek saved her. So Rumpel Stiltskin makes a deal with Shrek to go back, way back, because Shrek has a midlife crisis.

Oh, geez, Louise. So I'm going to stop now before I go crazy. Gotcha. But that, yeah, there is time travel, and he finds a bunch of ogres and one of them, I speak his voice by John Hamm. He has to use time travel because his people have been wiped off the face of the globe. Is that correct? No, it's not about wiping. They've been underground.

They've been, like, hiding from people. Okay. So underground isn't hiding, not like as in cave dwellings. Cave dwellings, like a dentistry demolition man type. Oh. I like this. They eat some rats? They eat in Taco Bell, too?

Yes, it does. No, it does. Don't you have something to fart? So they're trying to do this one. They're making an appearance. I don't understand what is exactly supposed to happen, but they're all dressed up like fucking, you know, like 18th century French aristocrats.

And like that's the gag. And like this is a fine gag at first. It's like, oh, wow, these are ill-fitting clothes. Whoops, whoopi-woo. You know what I mean? Like, we're foppish now or whatever. Oh, and of course, because this is a movie for children that there's like a salon owner,

that is obviously coded as being dead. Is this character even given a name? I don't think so, but we later... No, that's later. Fiddlesworth is the Pegg enthusiast. We later see him cry

during a play, too. I mean, the politics of the Shrek averse are fucking awful. Anyway, this guy does dress them up like the French aristocrat type of look. And we do get this amazing shot. I also tweeted this where Shrek and Fiona, because they're so, they're so

held back in these outfits with the corsets and whatever else and they're trying to kiss and they can't quite kiss and you see their lips stretch out to each other and it's like a static shot of these fucking lips going at each other for like 10 seconds it's really a lot hey Fiona I just realized I'm into breath play oh hey Fiona spitting me mouth oh 10 seconds you're only going to need five. But he's like, he's like, and like he can't move his arms. He can't even scratch me, but um,

because I got, does he say ass? He probably doesn't say ass. No, I don't think so. I think he's just butt. I think he's like, I can't scratch me butt. And I got a wicked scratch. And he's like, hey, servant, what's your name?

And he's like, uh, Fiddlesworth. So he's like, perfect. Why don't you go Fiddlesworth around and me crack? I'm poking the turtle head down there. And this dude, it just starts. to peg him before the ceremony. It's insane. Like the curtain opens and this little thing,

like Shrek has his back to the audience and he's bent over. And this little thing, he's like, salacious beak crumb. He's like, eh, eh, eh, eh, he's like, he's like, fucking shoving this stick up against Shrek's ass scratching it. And you got Shrek being like, oh, yeah, scratching me, ars.

Pecking the ass, pecking the ass. Oh, you hit me, Shrek spot. I've come. I kind of wanted to be like the anal sex scene and sexy beast where Ian McShane's getting fucking the ass. And like there's all that rain and he like whips it back. Oh yes. He didn't fuck in the shower.

I got to tell you, I think about that hair whip. At least like, I don't know, like once a month maybe. It's a great scene. It's like is that all the shower water? There's probably some sweat mixed in. It's a passionate scene. So there's a bunch of shenanigans. happens like the whole room gets destroyed basically you know there is another like fire i think

that happens and it just like showcases how bad shrek is at you know being a leader being the king doing these things uh and then like we go back there's another shrek in bed scene and he's like i really hate being the king and she's like yeah well don't worry about it it's only until dad gets better and uh then he like somehow also winds up mentioning how he's like, he's nervous about having kids or whatever, and you can tell she's being like, well, I hope, oh boy,

I hope, Shrek. He wants to go, the whole thing is, she's like, we're going to go back to the bog, and maybe, you know, we'll have some, some, uh, little feet uh, running around the house. And his response is like, uh, sure, that, that's great. Uh, I want a bog water.

He thinks like, she's, he, like, he thinks that she's talking about like rats that are, he's like, Oh, the muskrats will be coming back or whatever. Hasn't this been the plot of every Shrek movie where he's just like, I don't know, kids, oh, maybe. I feel like he has gagged over the thought of having children in other movies. Pardon me, nothing doing.

I've been clipped. It happened long before I met you, Fiona. Oh, yeah, because that's in the second one when they're meeting the in-laws and Fiona brings it up. or no, Fiona's mom brings it up and they both swallow the spoon. Oh, wait, you brought up his vasectomy? Yeah, that's how it happened. They do it with lasers now.

It was an in-and-out procedure. I was in an afternoon. Sure, there's a lot of gauze, but hey, what of it? He goes, they get summoned. The king is dying now. This scenes kind of like something almost, right? but it's that obnoxious like oh I'm dead wait no I'm not

oh I'm dead wait no like that has never been funny and it's true here also there's one shot of him of this frog dying where it's like you think he's dead and he's got like this lifeless frog eyes that a bug is on it and I'm like holy shit this

is really happening they do a good job of making this frog look dead all three times he's supposed to die this is by the way just a reminder for folks at home who may have forgotten this is John Cleese voicing the Frog King. This show is sponsored by Better Help. You know, my

20s, while being a lot of fun, a lot of the time, were pretty rough. I wasn't exactly rolling in dough. I lived at home until I was about 25, and for most of it, I didn't have this show or you lovely people in my life. I just kind of drifted around without direction. It didn't know where to voice that. Then I started to get my crap together one piece at a time, and the last piece,

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash WHM today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash W-H-M. And so, you know, he's like, hey, Shrek, by the way, man, you're going to be king when I eat shit here. And he's like, I don't know about. that and he's like all right well there's another heir to the throne his name's arthur yeah because he is kind of doing a yoda like ah another oh my god now i want to see like a yoda and a shrek get it on oh fuck dude that would be like uh like a like a like a like a rotweiler fucking a

chihuahua frank oz is right out there right after eric idol the last one fuck this i've had enough uh uh so This fucking frog kicks it. And then dudes, we cut to a, like a funeral-ish montage where we're just playing live and let die. Yikes. We learned that it's actually a dietic sound because frogs are singing it. Yes, dude. So it was like, it's insane a couple weeks ago.

Paul McCartney voiced a pirate. And then as my wife pointed out this week, he's voicing a fucking frog. The frogs are singing wings. Yeah, Paul McCartney did not walk out. He was like, this is fine. This is the culture. Yeah. That's what you do.

The cash the checkmate. I think, but honestly, the music supervisor did more for this movie than any writer ever did. Because there's like, the thing is like, there's barely any Mike Myers in this movie. It's kind of weird how Little Shrek and Donkey have like airtime, I feel. Am I wrong here? That's why it's the best one, I think. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, well, this movie, because what this movie is,

does is when it separates Shrek and Fiona this time instead of Fiona just being like captured somewhere, whatever the fuck. She is given this group of like Disney princess friends and the mother and they have like

their own little adventure that's going on. I mean they're not Disney princesses like fairy tale princesses like Snow White Cinderella Sleeping Beauty Larry King's bartender character for whatever reason is among them. Well because we just love We love that joke. That joke is so fucking funny.

God damn it, dude. It wasn't fucking funny in the first one. Could you imagine if a man's voice came out of a woman's body? It's just insane. Because that is literally the only joke they tie to that character. Yes. She puts out her leg, sexy leg, and he's like, hey, how are you doing? I'm like, this is like the 20th time you've told this joke in this movie. And the whole premise of that joke is like, these soldiers like to man leg, oh no. Like, come on with this fucking franchise.

It's fucking poison. And if you grew up watching this shit, you need like a re-education camp. I'm sorry. So Prince Charming. We love you. It's okay to like a movie, but recognize you're an occult and you've been brainwashed. That was the most thrown away. It's okay to like a movie.

I've heard from you yet. That was the one where like, it's okay to like a movie. It's okay. But remember, the first one had the macarena in it. Yeah. And they did the dance, and I saw this thing going around on Twitter. This was interesting that in Atlanta, some of the National Guard that got called in danced the macarena. And some protesters maybe helped join in.

And apparently this is what the U.S. government did in Iraq. They would dance the macarena, teach it to people as a way to, you know, and this is maybe a little conspiratorial thinking that it's a way to like suppress dissidents and stuff to get the macarania. There's got to be some type of magic code in that song. And I believe it's in Shrek in order to make you complacent. No, no, no. I watched that episode of InfoWor is true. Yeah, that's totally. Shrek is teaching you the Macarena.

Broken clock is right two times a day. Just get news in from the dark web here. We got a lot of people out there saying that the radical Democrat party is trying to get a new Shrek movie made. in where they will be teaching you how to do the electric slide and just let you know that's trouble, folks. That's trouble.

First is the electric slide, and then we're just goose stepping down Pennsylvania Avenue. I will eat my... You know, you teach me the electric slide, I will eat my fucking neighbor. How about that, brother? Electric slide, I will eat my fucking family. So whatever,

that king's fucking dead and they have to go to... And also the other thing, too, is like, King Arthur's not a fucking fairy tale. You know what I mean? Like, let's just, if we're, let's make this thing specific. Are we doing fairy tales? Are we not doing fairy tale? Yeah. I mean, that's a great question.

It's a myth. King Arthur, oh, so he's not a fairy tale. He's a myth. Okay. I mean, it's kind of in the same ballpark when you, I don't know. It's been three movies of them, not giving a shit. It's a little much to be asking them now. Hey, get you pull it back.

That's fair. But I mean, you know, if they make another Shrek, who's fucking in it next? Mr. Met? Probably. Fucking probably. You'd be the star of the fucking show. That'd be true. You know what? That'd be awesome because he'd keep his fucking mouth shut the whole time. Shrek has to go visit Mr. Magoo

to get the mystical who gives his shit. Oh, hello, Shrek. It's been a long time since our college days. Still into pegging, I see. Mr. McGoo saw him naked and that's how he went blind. Oh, Fiddlesworth

my old friend. Want to give me a good good go? It's the old Rutgers try, eh, fiddlesticks? Oh, man. While all this is going on, we should say Prince Charming goes into a tavern and recruits all of the bad guys. So-called bad guys from fairy tales.

We've seen this travern before. This is the tavern from all the movies. Oh, is that right? Yeah, the Poison Apple Tavern, I believe it's called. Yes. Oh, sure, yeah. And if you wanted to show how this series has gotten worse and worse, You start off with them, like, butchering Tom Waits and butchering Leonard Cohen. Yes.

To, in this one, butchering, I've, I've never been to me by Charlene. What is that? What is any of them? It was this random hit in the middle of, like, the 80s. Really? It's like the, it's the most cheesy song in the world. And it was just this one-off. And, like, you couldn't get, like, what?

You want to butcher Neil Young? Go ahead, do it. Yeah. Cinnamon Girl, to play that. But what's interesting about this scene with the whole Prince Charming recruiting these people? It's a beer hall pooch. Let's call it what it is, folks.

Sure, sure. The future belongs to me. Right? So, Kevin, that's so funny. So you're saying that the song that, like, Captain Hook is singing in the bar? Is a Tom Wait's song, I'm pretty sure. In the first movie. No, but when you first see Captain Hook playing the piano at the bar

and the first or the second one, he's singing Tom Waits. I know, but so what I'm saying, though, is that in this movie, he's still playing the piano at that bar, and you're saying he's playing the Charlene song? Yes. Okay. Yeah, I didn't understand that. I wanted to make sure I was getting my forgotten song placement.

But yeah, and his thing is basically like you guys. Yeah, Eric's right. It is, we are calling to the masses. Like, you've been, you've been neglected far too long. It's time to take your rightful place. everyone has been against you yada yada yada it's something it's yeah i mean it is something it's something that's also

not particularly explored it's like now he's just got this gang and one of them one of them makes it's captain hook makes one attempt to get shrek it doesn't succeed and that's the end of it you know who played captain hook who's that ian speaking of pirates guys oh yeah how about that's amazing this scene we also get the rubble the Grief Rumpel Stiltskin. And Prince Charming says,

where's that first born you were promised? So I thought that was an interesting, we're adding that into this. That's nice. Well, that's like, is that not part of his story? Yeah, no, I think it is.

But it's kind of a dark fairy tale. Yes. Yeah, it's a little darker than we've been going in these movies, for sure. We're addressing like a human sacrifice pretty much. I mean, this Ruppel Stiltskin wanted the same money as Shrek,

and that's just we can't be doing that. he walked out of the theater to the premiere it's a little cartoon going up the aisle uh so he's got his gang shrek's about to go off on his adventure and fiona has something to tell him we do see that puss and boots is getting it wet all over town which is very important you have to imagine this little cat fuck at everybody okay now puss and boots talks like a human being has a totally different frame of reference all these cats that he that he's with that he's had previous sexual encounters with that can't communicate with him on any level it's a cartoon and you don't have to think about stuff

like that why not just have the other cats be able to talk yes that is weird you know like maybe just have like one cat that he's like leaving behind like oh sorry baby I said it'd be around forever or is it like a Jeffrey Dahmer situation is like cutting a hole into these things heads and putting a little drop of acid or something what is happening with these cats probably Not that. You are my sexless.

I work in the chocolate factory. Yes. To be fair to Eric, it's weird just to be being like, hey, this cat fucks. Just remember that. Keep it in mind that he fucks all these. You know, why even have it? Make your movie 86 minutes. That'd be good.

Shaving 10 minutes off of this movie, that would be excellent news. Hey, weird sound design thing here. Like, so we, there's a scene where it's like, it's the harbor and Shrek, you know, and the gang are getting ready to board this ship and everything to go off and find King Arthur or soon to be King Arthur. And there's a weird thing where like some of these little donkey

dragons fly by a window and the only sound you hear on the soundtrack is Seagull noises. Do anybody else catch that? I didn't. I mean I believe you because this movie doesn't know what the fuck it's doing at any given moment. And it's like a really prominent like, car, car!

It's like, they're donkeys that are flying. Well, well, well, when dragon was the first fucking donkey she didn't know if it was forever so she said she fucked the seagull too you know and they all came up and there's these magical fucking donkey dragon seagulls that's a good point chris because we don't know how dragons really procreate really like could there be like other type of um ejaculate inside that mixes together and i am and makes a super baby of some type of multiple father situation to inseminate the dragon donkey has to walk into her in some way.

It doesn't make sense otherwise. He goes in there, it's fantastic! Hey, was that ever addressed in any of those books written by, what was that dude? The guy from the dude who's had more sandwiches in New Jersey named after him than anyone else on the planet, including Bruce Springsteen?

Yeah. He talking about dragon biology in that way at all? Well, not a ton. No, there are drag. Obviously, you know, there's, obviously, you know. that there are dragon eggs that are that are they end up be what they're they're fossilized or something and they end up being able to hatch because of dynarious is targary and anyway oh like Jurassic park long answer maybe short answer no is a medieval beady Wong had to like

foster these dragon eggs all right so whatever man shrek donkey and pussy and boots go out on this adventure but as there's a gag as they're leaving wherein Fiona let Shrek know that she's pregnant, where every time she says it, there's a whatever you call that, a fucking air horn. Yeah, foghorn, thank you. The guy blowing the foghorn is like some ships, like

first made or whatever voiced by Seth Rogen. Sure. It was like a Viking for some reason. Is that what it is? I thought it was a caveman. I don't know. I don't know what he's supposed to be, but he's not. I don't remember. He's not well rendered. Yeah, so he now knows she's pregnant.

This is when we get the nightmare. Shrek's which is also my nightmare coincides. What birthing baby ogres? Yeah, that's not different me too. Absolutely, dude. I expected it to go full trade spotting and one of these babies is on the

fucking ceiling. You might as well. You might as fucking well, dude, because this is horrifying. This baby nightmare scene that culminates in a tidal wave of Shrek babies, drowning Shrek? Oh my God. But one of the pukes all over him, right? At this point

and you get this like shower of vomit, like this prolonged like waterfall of Oh, because there's a baby like bassinet and it's like just one baby at first and he's like oh look how cute it is and then yeah this is where out of the carriage comes like this

crazy tidal wave of like Exorcist puke. A vomit hose and like you think the joke is just that Shrek got pushed off screen by the hose but no, you then have to watch him like push back the baby to get to the baby as if I wasn't like going to vomit

already from this. Like it's fucking horrible. It's insane. Dude, you thought we've been bringing him up on the show a lot the last few weeks. You thought Larry Cohen's, it's alive with something with fucking scary babies. Look at this movie. Yeah, that's who Eric Idle should talk to because actually Larry Cohen's the one who actually

owns coconuts. He's got a robust legal to it. What do you want? But then yes, he's chasing around a bunch of other ogre babies. And then when he I mean, there's multiple dreams within a dream. God damn, I hate this. Freddie Kruger, get this fucker already.

He thinks, you imagine himself in high school, because that's a frame of reference to us, not him. He never had high school. Remember, he lives in a swamp and never did anything. So it's like, okay, what is this even referencing? Okay, this is, oh, this is something that I would dream of of being Shrek in front of a high school auditorium, which I might have, I might have dreamed that.

Well, no, you just imagined it was your, high school graduation, you got your diploma and then someone in the audience, like, he looks like Shrek. Yeah. And he's naked in this dream where I think you get more Shrek nipple. You do get more Shrek nipple. It's some Shrek thigh going on here, I believe.

So there's no ass cheeks in this scene either. No. I swear I saw two green ass cheeks in this movie. I don't know. Maybe I accidentally clicked under the wrong tab for a second. Same dab. When he wakes up, he looks to Donkey for some comfort from these dreams and Donkey

has a baby Shrekhead. So does Puss and Boots. They both do. It's disgusting. And you know what they look like that way? They look like the little monsters and the brood. Yes. The little like the things at the end of the movie. Oh my God, dude.

It's horrifying. Yeah, you want to army. Give all those little stabbers. And then we'll, Shrek can take over the kingdom quite quick. David Cronidberg's little stabbers. I like that. And Donkey is definitely singing

Harry Chapin's Cats in the Cradle around here? Sure. We do, speaking of high school for no reason. We get to what's called Worcestershire, right? I always get that wrong. Worcestershire. Worcestershire.

Good sauce. Worcestershire. Happens to be a high school for some reason. That's, see, and this is where, Eric, I think this sort of contradicts what you said about Shrek because he says he went to high school, which doesn't make any fucking sense. I agree with Eric.

actually. No, I'm not saying it I'm not saying it makes sense, but what I'm saying is right here because donkey's like, where are we? And Shrek's reaction is like, we're back in high school, sort of intimating that he has experienced high school once already and it sucked for him.

And donkey went to high school too apparently. Donk is like, I hate high school. I'm like, what? You're a fucking donkey. You were born and you fucking you started pulling fucking carts, you donkey. I could see the money human beings like this

potential King Arthur going to some type of school, but an ogre. Maybe that's my own problems. I'm coming to terms with you. It proves that John Cleese must have been a pretty good ruler if he just has fucking schools everywhere for

every kind of creature in his land. It's a really good point. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, though. We can't just have one kind of school for everybody, Chris Cavan. You're saying there should be an ogre school and a fucking donkey school and a person school. Words in my mouth. I'm saying that's what John Cleese is doing. But you're saying he did a good job. He's doing a good job of putting education out there.

It is. I really, I just, I want to continue pointing out the abhorrent musical cues in this movie. Because like, honestly, I was praying for smash mouth instead of having like songs that I actually like be destroyed in this movie. And when we get to this high school campus, it's Ramones, do you remember rock and roll radio? And I'm like, I'm sorry, you fucking idiots couldn't license rock and roll high school. Was that too on the nose for you? Well, this is one of those things where like this is clearly, like the writers didn't give a shit about this movie, all 12 of them or whatever. But like this is the concept they really got into, like, oh, oh, medieval high school. Let's make a bunch of jokes in a row.

And, like, this is the only time the movie, like, actually feels, like, funny. And it's not funny, but, like, it feels like it's trying to be funny. It makes you realize, like, maybe this whole movie should have been, like, a Monster's University situation. Exactly. And it was just, like, I mean, who even gives a shit? Like, Shrek looks into a fucking crystal ball and he's sent back to high school. And here we are, it's Shrek in high school, and who could give a shit. I mean, it's not a bad idea, but I feel like I'd prefer, I mean, you just get bad jokes.

more and more bad jokes because, like, there's stoners in a carriage that's supposed to be like a van. There are shy girls that want Shrek to have sex with them. I don't need that. I certainly don't need that. I miss that part. It might actually make sense. Actually, because like all of the, it's only people at this school. And it's more of like a private school.

Yes. So maybe like donkeys and ogres and like Pinocchioes and blind mice all go to public school. Oh, I see. And then they have the. All the Normies, quote, unquote, go to fucking Worcestershire. Yeah. It's a charter school. You've got to be this wealthy, et cetera.

And I think that's it. Because how else is Arthur getting into it? He's a dweep. That's a thing, too, though. The girl who comes up to Shrek, she goes, oh, my friend, whatever, likes you. She likes older guys and monsters. And it's like, what the fuck are you trying to tell me kids' movie? It's very interesting because a second earlier, they both reject Shrek,

because I guess we're trying to get through the high school experience really quick. And they're like, oh, ew, like, an ogre, right? And then all of a sudden they're like, wait a second, he's an older dude. He's probably got a fucking car, access to drugs and alcohol. And now this girl wants Shrek to invite her to the dance. If you want to get kegs of ale, you get a monster. You can get it for you. You can go into the store and get it for you.

Give me a keg of beer. But look out what you do with that because, you know, Laura Palmer is also looking for a good time. That's true. I do. I would have loved it if this scene ends with King Arthur and a Shrek and dog getting kicked out and Shrek just turning while they're putting up the gate and yelling, Cowards!

Cowards! Or we stick with the Laura Palmer route and Shrek winds up sitting by the bank of a lake, in a fucking plastic garbage bag. That'd be nice. It gets found by Jack Nance out of medieval horse. It's garbage, wrapped in garbage bags.

They do fucking the Twin Peaks theme on bagpipes. Hey, speaking to which cabin, good call, dude, because when we're walking across this campus, you better believe he goes into this assembly in the auditorium and the marching band is

100% playing Smash Mouths All-Star. Because we had to wedge it in there. This is when we meet Justin Timberlake as Artie, King Arthur. We first see a couple of nerds that are like, oh, he's over there. He's in the back. And they go, and there's a jousting competition, a big strapping dude and a small, whatever. The big strapping dude beats the other guy. And he's like, oh, it's King Arthur.

Here he is. But it's actually Lance a lot. And the dude who gets his ass kicked is Arthur. so he's like a nerd dweeb loser guy yeah and lancelot uh voiced by noted son of a bitch john krasinski i just that dude sucks man i'm sorry i was never a big fan of his but i thought maybe something came out well just the shit where he had like that cutesy little like here's a little bit of good news thing i'm doing during the quarantine in my cute house and then fucking sold it to like NBC or CBS or some shit for like a ton of money and then was like also I'm probably

not going to do much of this, really. I just sold the property away. Good news. I have to say, this Lancelot character, I thought was going to be a character. In it a lot more, you know, bad pun there. But, like, yeah, he's just totally, like, once they leave this school, like, wouldn't it be a thing, right, to have, like, Lancelot, like, jealous of the fact that Arthur is picked to be king following that, you know, something like that. You're looking for a story. And I'm telling you, you're just in the wrong place. Yep. How dare I watch a multi-million dollar Hollywood production and ask for a story to be included? A movie that made nearly a billion dollars. The thing is... Oh, thanks, China.

The thing is. The whole world was complicit in that crime. Yeah, no, that's true. Thanks. You almost sounded like, the Chinese movie. Shrek the third. No way, dude, Shrek the Third is an American property through and through. Listen, there's no way we can trust the Chinese. box office receipts of Shrek 3, okay?

We're not going to trust it. Do you know how many people would have had to go to the movies and see Shrek 3 in China to bring that kind of number to the table? Folks, folks, we all know that Stranger Tides didn't do as good as it did

for my friend Rob Marshall, who I love so much. Because the Chinese just didn't show up, folks. They just didn't show up. They really should contact traits everyone who, who saw Shrek literary theaters and isolate them

completely from society throw away the fucking key I love but so like but also like A Timberlake fucking sucks in this doesn't he guys

it's unfortunate because I find him entertaining and not here at all I mean it's a social network it is a shitty role it's a shitty role you're right it's a shitty role yeah it is I mean like

because like the last movie that you had fucking pussy boots it was a fun cartoon character all these human characters always disturb me with their dead faces they creep me the fuck out much more than the animals and the other shit other than the social network

I've never really liked him and stuff most of his stuff has been animated he's in that trolls movie he did the Yogi Bear movie oh right and like I know it doesn't really count but the Jonathan Demi doc is really good oh dude JT and the Tennessee kids is fucking awesome I have to say

oh go ahead Kevin and also it's not a good movie but I thought he was very good in Friends with Benefits. A lot of people like that movie, actually. I haven't seen it. Yeah, I've never saw that. But by the way, voice acting is the biggest fucking crime perpetrated on the American people. Thank you. Because all these fucking celebrities who don't give a fuck, who just show up to get a fucking paycheck and go, eG, b, b, b, and it's like great, fine.

Totally. Wonderful. Taking jobs away from hardworking voice actors like Reno Romano and, and, you know, Frank Welker and all the rest of them. John DiMaggio, all the greats. Oh, no. I mean, Welker and his mob will come to you and take your knees out if you get one of his roles. But like, why couldn't, you know, we have this

fucking, you know, franchise here and all these like dumb, you know, like queen characters, whatever. Why couldn't, what's her face who voiced Martin Prince and the Huey Dewey and Louis be, what was the woman's name? Tress McNeil. No, no, not Tress McNeil. The woman who passed away,

she did Huey Doey and Louie. Look how criminal it is that it's hard to remember voice actor's names because all their jobs are taken away by like fucking like and I like his work but like okay now Danny McBride is in this like every single quasi every single facet of celebrity has to be they stack the deck of these movies and everyone's a celebrity just because they're like oh well that's a pre-existing audience don't come see a movie with him oh that's a pre-existent audience don't come see a movie with Zendaya doing a voice

that's a pre-existing all that is exactly how Hollywood analysts sound you're right Eric that's what they all sound like Russie Taylor is yes I was I was just going to say it Steve Russie Taylor she passed away last year

Martin Prince Huey Dewey and Louie she did mini mouse and those are all amazing voice performances and like just having Justin Timberlake mumble into a fucking microphone does not and you're right Eric like who gets

anything out of that like the whole point of Justin Taylor as you look at him, he does stuff, he dances, whatever. Like, he's not a voice actor. People think we're cynical on this show. Look at the fucking casting of these animated movies. That is cynical. It's one thing to cast Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy.

Like, they are powerful comedic actors. I get it. You know what I mean? For leads, I understand enough for big leads, like, but like everyone? Exactly. Like John, am I in the audience? Oh shit. John Cresensky's Lancelot.

This is amazing. You don't even know it's him. Who bought a ticket for that? Nobody. Nobody gave it. You could have saved so much money. Hey, guys, you see that the beaver fart right there? You know who made that braver fart noise? That was John Malaney.

He did it. And John Malaney has beaver fart noise. Fourth in the crux and credits. But like, so like when, you know, it's around this point in the movie, so who cares? Like, Arty makes a bad speech. They go off on their way. We cut back to far, far away. And Fiona is having a baby shower.

And this is where it's Cinderella's Sleeping Beauty. and what's the other one I'm missing? Rapunzel is the bad guy. Huh? Rapunzel? Rapunzel, but then there's a fourth woman. Snow White is the other one. And I don't remember who Rapunzel is,

but the other three are Sherry O'Terry, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph. And it's like, okay, like, so you're doing like SNL group casting right there? Hire voice actors to do these thankless roles. Like, it doesn't matter to the movie that Amy Polar is, you know, whatever. Actually, I think Maya Rudolph might be...

Rapunzel, she is. Rapunzel. I couldn't tell any of... I didn't know any of these people were in that movie until you just said so. Because, like, I'm just sitting here looking at IMDB

fucking 13 years after this movie came out. Like, it's insane to stack the deck like this for this movie. But you wouldn't get that fleeting, weak-ass thrill of being able to turn it to elbows on and be like, that's Amy Polly. You do lose out on that,

I must say. Yeah, if you need a high like that, friends, just smoke some. not too powerful weed. Just fucking do K2 then. Oh, no, do not do K2. Do not touch synthetic marijuana. Yeah, I mean, that is dangerous stuff.

But crocodile, on the other hand, it might be preferable to watching any Shrek movie. I think that's in the... Chris, confirm if I'm wrong. That's what turns him into Shrek in that fourth movie. He takes Crocodile. That's true. That's actually true.

Fuck me fucking arm. It's falling off. Aye, Fiona, we got a package from Russia. do you think anyone accident at the scottish bafters accidentally wanted to nominate mike myers they're like no he's not actually Scottish oh no dude I bet you anything they got their eye on that shit and they hate it they hate it so much guaranteed because you're taking away work from real Scottish actors sure Gerard Butler could have been Shrek I would love that with live action Shrek Gerard Butler as he is now just painted green

Get Ewan McGregor to play a donkey. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That's horrifying. You know what's, I mean, honestly, you want to see live action Shrek. Brian Darcy James played him in that musical that's since long gone, thank the universe. Seeing those commercials and like the subway ads and whatnot the city when that musical was up, that's nightmare fuel right there, friends. A real life Shrek like that, nightmare fuels.

And seeing how far Shrek has become a cultural phenomenon that there was a. musical that I had to see Subway ads for, that's when I realized this world is not for me. And that's when you had to get your ass to Mars, dude. I wish. There is a bad present.

We have this gift giving scene at the baby shower and like I think it's Snow White. The Amy Polar character gives Fiona this what she calls a live in babysitter. And it's just what I can't think of any other inspiration they had

for this thing, then crossing David the gnome with Paul Giamatti. Yeah. He's a dwarf. It's the gag. Yeah. And it looks like Paul Giamani. And it's like, they also have to make this thing kind of prefer, because he's

like, where's the baby? Yeah, that's fucking terrifying. Just have it be a normal fucking dwarf who's like, I didn't want to be here today, but oh well. Do we know which one of the seven dwarfs is supposed to be? Letcheracy? Probably.

Is it letteracy? Horny. No. Purvy? I need's pervy. Where's the baby? Also, nice feet. Hey, Fiona, nice feet. Oh, I meant to bring grumpy.

This is feedy. Oh, man, Feedy. Stay away from that guy, dude. He's trouble. He is nothing but trouble. That turned out to be like 30 dwarves, and some of them got really weird. Feedy does make great movies. Okay, Jack.

Here at the Fairtale Kingdom. We're going to use inspiration from older fairy-tailed movies, okay? Okay, so here's how it goes. Okay, Prince Charming loves to crash carriages into other carriages, and he gets off on it. Come on, dopy, say it with me. You're going to be okay. Burdung-dung-dunk-dunk-dunk-dunk-dunk-dunk. I'll say it now, because they do a bullshit version of that music cue later in the movie.

It's amazing. Oh, do they really? Yes, they do. I was just going off the QT thread. QT Feet Threat It's when they're doing the girl power bit When they're all like Get ready to fuck everybody up

And it's like They pretend that it's Kill Bill But they didn't get They didn't license whatever that song is Are you to wait this Are you talking about when it's the first few bars Of Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin? No no, it's earlier than that

Oh really? Oh okay When they're getting ready to do it Well that's the thing is these movies Are just like such a cultural over assault That you don't even remember What fucking stupid ass music cue comes before the next And it's all mixed up.

Like the end of the heist. Don't know what to do. The worst. Turn around a person as you and I think of it. Never mind. Take it easy, Chris. Dude, we should do a 311 podcast. Yeah, that would be 30 seconds long.

In the Worseshire, they do a just say nay. And I'm like, we're in 2007, folks. Just say no was like two decades ago or something. You got to get grandpa in the audience to like. it, I guess. What moment does that happen at, Chris? They're at the assembly when they're trying to get Arthur and they're like, just say

nay. Just say nay. Oh, that is donkey shit. It's 2007. George W. Bush is still in the White House. I guess. Yeah. The fucking last of the fucking dwarves, man.

The lower one. There's also a joke in this baby shower scene about how they're going to have sex less now they have a baby like okay cool I've got fucking kids here and you know what though that's great that those two ogres will have sex less of their children

less I have to worry about what a service to humanity yeah it's Shrek versus Shrek that's just what I needed so right around the baby shower there's a terrorist attack on far far away because here comes charming with like his army of witches and bad

guys there's a lot of flying broomsticks right here which is why I say there's a witch army. There's a bad joke where like... Andrew, which army is it? Which army? Yeah, which army are you talking about? Oh, dude, I am not going to go through this. W-I-T-C-H.

So this is where you see them like raiding far, far away and everything. And they change the sign to like from like some tavern. It's like ye old whatever. Yes. They change it to ye old hooters. We're making an honest to good this hooters joke in the year

of our Lord 2007. It's outrageous and I forgot earlier when the frog king dies, they put him, his coffin is a ye old foot locker box. Oh no way. I missed that. I was too busy looking at the weird statue they erected to this dead frog. It's a fucking shoe box they put him in that

says ye old foot locker. I was also still stunningly enraged at the use of wings at that scene. Yeah. Use the money like not even like a fourth of the money you used to make this piece of shit and make the movie about the fucking

the ad guy who had to figure out how to put Hooters into Shrek the Hooters Corporation were like you know we'd love to be part of the Shrek dynasty. Do you think there's any way we could put the pervy pub food into this place or what? Purvey Pub food.

We can do a Shrek night. We have Shrek wings. We'll dye them greens or whatever you need. Oh my God, I'm throwing up. Shepherds pie and a cause light. And a hooters near you. It's like Don Draper being like, you know, people come to hooters to see big volumptuous. You know, what else is big and volumptuous?

It's Shrek. You see a bunch of like the storytelling or the fairy tale creatures here like being captured or whatever. And I do not understand this thing where it's the gingerbread man mixed with the, what was that show? The $5 million man, six million dollar man? Yeah, yeah. uh there's like a parody of that here where he's like seeing his life flash before his eyes and he like was married at one point you see him in school and all of this shit like and it goes on for like a good 45 seconds to a minute the button on that scene is that he like shits out a gum drop yes oh that's

right it's a little bloop because that was i mean that was one of those things for that first movie we're like oh my god the fucking gingerbread man movie uh gag i'm losing my mind and that meanwhile that guy talking to people leaving the theater that whoever did Mr. Bill left the theater that time totally yeah whatever dude whatever person from SNL made Mr. Bill

yeah totally but like but and that's the thing it's like every time it was like these wacky wackadoo characters and now it's fucking drippy King Arthur of Justin Timberlake being like I don't know what and he's not even like if he was a nerd like a full on nerd

he's got glasses I'm like I got it or maybe he's like a jerk or like arrogant he's just kind of nothing right it's like it's totally nothing and it was his you know I mean it's not an excuse because he got cast in the role but it was his first like voice

acting role but three years later and I've seen this movie I don't know if you guys have it's a piece of shit but he does a good job voice acting boo boo boo in the Yogi Bear movie he's the best part of the movie I don't think it's not even his fault it's not written as anything he's just kind of like a

drippy like nothing yeah no it's just there's the other's lines it's all very dahlsville well the thing is like the perspective of of the shrek people making this movie if he was an outright nerd they'd be like well no one could no one no there's no hope for him there's no hope for him to become anything yes right you have to be a blank slate in order for the people to project greatness onto you because obviously if you had a characteristic that was slightly negative despite the fucking message of shrek yes you would not be taken seriously in this universe. Unless you're Shrek.

You're totally right, dude. It's just, there's so much unfortunate. They take over the thing. They're on the boat now, going back to far, far away. And I guess a donkey and Puss and Boots scare Artie about

what it is to be king, how much responsibility there is, and they cause the fucking thing, the ship to crash. And I guess Seth Rogen dies at this exchange because you never see this dude again. Dude, I don't know what's going on. The ship runs aground and the three primary characters of the film

are stuck on this island or whatever it is. And that character just vanishes. I don't think he's ever seen again. Yeah, Nessie gets him. Oh, shit. Yeah, when is Nessie making an appearance in these movies? I'd be into it. Is that in part four, Chris?

I'd rather Nessie fuck that dragon. That makes some sense. Oh, that would make some sense. Or Shrek fucks Nassie? Oh, I dated Nessie. It was very complicated. Yeah, totally. We had two different backgrounds, you see. I nearly drowned every time I kisser.

That's why I got the vasectomy because me, I got Nessie into trouble. We had to take care of it. And I got sick of paying that much. I damaged my rod fucking in the pool. You got to be, you got to be. careful about underwater intercourse dude absolutely great safety

tip for our audience Eric yes please so around here it's kind of hilarious they get in a little bit of a fight and shrek calls Arthur a loser which pot call in the kettle black asshole but then there's it's this is really bad and like it's

supposed to be but like you didn't have to do it this way because the joke is like Shrek isn't helping by what he's saying but what he's saying is if you think this mad scene ain't dope I feel ya I don't want to get up all in your grill

and I'm like you need to stop all of this I hate that I've always hated it yeah I mean do you remember like at the end of pie when the dude puts a drilled in his head yeah yeah that's what watching these fucking shit but right after that

genius line of dialogue and they're still kind of arguing they come across a little hut here and this is the house of Merlin, voiced by Eric Idol who has a security thing where he does like a Oz the Great and Powerful sort of voice face projection

thing. But then it turns out that like Arthur knows him because he used to be his school science teacher, but got, this is great, this is a lawsuit on their hands right here from this high school. He got fired because he had a mental breakdown. I think that's

just, that's what they said. Oh no, he had a mental breakdown. They just, they, the other, all they're hiding the complaints is what's happening. I see. Dating students. He was dating one of the three little pigs.

Jesus. You like that, don't you, a little piggy? Oh, yes, I do. Yo, yes, I do. Yeah, the fucking pigs being German in this movie is still kind of funny, I think.

But the joke with John Clee, or Eric Idle, rather, is he's like, new agey. Is that the idea? That's the joke? Yeah, we're cracking jokes at this, like it's 1983. Yeah, he's got socks and Birkenstocks on. So, yeah, I mean, it is a, it is a crack against the new age community for sure.

You know, and he's saying like he, you know, he doesn't really practice magic anymore. He wants to, he says to Shrek, though, that Shrek has to take a journey into the soul, which you need to read as we are killing time to officially make this a feature motion picture. And that's funny because they do that. And then also his magic trick is he shortens the movie by teleporting them to, to the castle. Actually, that's right. So we have to thank Merlin for that. But I do. I really want to hit the, uh, looking into the fire scene because it's so interesting that Shrek actually turns into William Hurt, uh, in this part. He goes back. From what movie? Alter states. Yes.

Yeah. I was hoping you were saying the big chill, dude, and he's just a sad drug addict. I missed the part of Big Chill where they're staring out of fire and tripping. No. Yeah, I guess that's true. Oh, no, I turned the door. Bloody caveman. Quick. My best friend, Bob Balaban. You gotta get me out of this. Donkeys doing the controls. I remember, and you know what, just because Chris and I have gone on a journey this episode, Chris and I had a great time being stoned, watching Altered States, and I almost literally lost my mind. Yeah. Really? That's awesome.

Best show in town. I got to tell you. Was that one of the, was that one of the, famous Chris Cabin Edibles? No, I think we just smoked a little bit. And I wasn't even that... Again, I started the wheel. I'm like, oh, I'm not that stoned. And then that movie started to happen. I'm like, oh, no.

Dude, that movie makes you stone, man. Exactly. I love it. We're great friends, Chris and I. It's all I'm saying. All four of us are great buds. It's really like yelling at each other. Again, like, we have to really drive that point home because,

we're actually really on thin ice right now. Yeah, oh, there's a lot, there's an email thread. You don't want to look at it. We laugh because it hurts. I mean, enjoy the podcast for now. I'm saying, this is covering up the pain. But, yeah, so what is, what does Shrek say here? Just the baby carriage again?

Oh, yes. Is this like another nightmarish visage? Am I getting that right? This is around the time. I literally fell asleep. No, like, when they're, when they're, when they're having. having the fire visions like Shrek looks into it and he sees a baby carriage but then he lies about what he sees and then because this is where Arthur sees a thing and it translates into he's like yeah you know my dad left me blah blah blah blah blah when I was a little boy.

Oh right like Shrek tries to have a heart to heart with him where he reveals that Shrek reveals that is that his father at one point tried to eat him and I was like why did nothing else? Why couldn't fucking Grandpa Shrek get hungrier. Eat that kid. Save me from watching these movies, Mr. Shrek. In all the baby sequences, we see that they breed an abhorrent amount

of litter. It's like there's tons and tons of babies. So maybe Shrek was just the boy who lived out of all of them. Oh, yeah. The wrong kid died, Shrek. This is an older Shrek. Hank Shrek was fucking like taking the legs off of his babies and

stripping him like chicken wings in front of his little Shrek. There's some line that Shrek has where he's like, yeah, me da used to bathe me in barbecue sauce. It's like that dude should have finished the job. Meanwhile,

Fiona and the queen and the princesses are locked away in like catacombs or something. As it's revealed, Rapunzel is crooked. She's crooked. The thing that I don't get, like it's just such an underdeveloped joke is like Julie Andrews as Fiona's mother's head is made out of rocks or something like what the fuck

I don't understand what this is about underexplored underdeveloped idea right so this is where they're trying to like break out of the prison and Julie Andrews is like oh I got it and she head butts a stone wall and it breaks and they're like oh yeah well there's another one what are we going to do about that and she does the same thing and then man this poor woman this poor fucking legend has to like like woozily drunkly sing parts of two of her most famous songs because she's like got a head injury

she does like a little bit of spoonful of sugar and another bit of something from the sound of music I don't recall which tune but isn't there also a sound of music reference when when Shrek finally gets back to the swamp and he dances around like that? Oh, the way they like animate him dancing, it's like her going through the field. Oh, it could be.

I didn't notice that. Interesting. Another reference to a much better movie. Another thing that sucks. There needs to be a punchline where it's like, oh, I had a titanium thing in my head from one. You know what I mean? Like something that makes that joke a joke as opposed to like, wouldn't it be random if she crushed the fucking thing with her head? Give me a flashback, you know, show me her being enchanted with whatever.

I don't care. yeah like maybe she's like actually one of those tree people sure just make it make sense in your world or like you know watch her get do a flashback of her doing martial arts training and like breaking the blocks with her head yes any yeah it's her and i may like we're gonna kill bill um so it doesn't even uh warrant talking about it too much but shrek and the gang are put upon by like captain hook and the the fucking one-eyed monster there. Oh, wait, that was wrong. Cyclops was the word I could not think. And the one-eyed monster was there as well.

A lot of dicks were laying siege on Shrek and his friends here. I think Donkey saw the one-eyed monster. Hey, there he is, donkey. Don't just stand at it. They didn't take it out for air. He's like instantly defeated because Shrek blows up his piano with a cannon and that's kind of the end of it

that just all run away and Merlin like casts a spell on them to send them back to far far away after Arthur does like a fake crying thing which is I guess a thing it's not entertaining it's not funny

it's just like he's pretending to be sad about getting to far far away tricks Merlin into doing magic again and by the way when they get back we have a line here from donkey that I couldn't believe where he admits to taking psychedelics. Oh, really? Because, and also we

learned, not only did donkey go to high school, he went to fucking college. He goes, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. Yeah, okay. Sunni Neverland. And hey, speaking of looking at dicks, dude, the spell doesn't go off exactly as planned, and boy is this

funny, everybody, gird your loins for this laugh, donkey and pussy and boots, uh-oh, they've switched bodies. It's too late in the for this to happen you know what i mean like it's like a little late and it's it's underdeveloped it's under anything it's just sort of like they realized they needed to give both these characters something to do so like what if they switched bodies but also like previous episode uh scooby do we get they they have the voices don't swap and it's just it's an annoying i know to identify who's in what body you have

to keep the voices but it's so stupid it would be interesting if like if if if edy murphy was doing an Antonio Benderas kind of impression and Antonio Banderas was doing an Eddie Murphy kind of impression. Yeah. I don't know. But also we've already done animal swapping. Fucking donkey was a stallion

in like the first one. Oh, that's right. He gets turned into a horse. Fuck. Yeah, you're totally right. On the pervert beat, there is one thing we have to hit here. Go right in. Please. Get the hard hitting story. So the whole plan. Excuse me. A quick question.

Cabin Pervert Beat magazine? I had a question for you. There's one more question. You are like a pervert journalist right, Chris? Yeah, yeah. There's muck rakers, there's Gonzo journalist, there's pervert journalist. The Joe Pesci vehicle, the private eye, was about me.

So they are, Charming's whole plan is he's going to kill Shrek on stage in this huge theatrical event that he's going to do. Actually, pretty good production designed if I myself but during while they're doing the like a rehearsals fucking Rapunzel who we find out is evil she comes up to him and she says daddy

oh you I miss the daddy wild I was like where is it is this going somewhere what the fuck is it also the whole like I got to kill Shrek on stage during the production of a play that I was playing as dinner theater when I was down and out like who fucking cares send Shrek to the gallows. This is a public execution, Eric.

That's it. It's a strong man thing. It's about to become a real fiscistic state once he fucking takes Shrek down. Yeah. Wouldn't it be better, though, if, I don't know, like, you actually advertised that it was going to be a public execution. And you're just like, we're getting back to the old days. This is what, you know, the kings used to do. Not all this, like, you know, play shit.

Like, you know, all the stories. of knights of yore, right? They would always kill ogres, trolls and goblins and whatever else. Totally. So why not just have come to the show tonight? Shrek's going to be released from a cage and cut down by 50 men. Yeah. Number one on Charming's list is reinstating prima nocta. Hey, Cabin, by the way, I'll save you a couple of tweets. Dude, that Pesci movie, it's the public eye. The public eye. Yeah, he's like a photographer or some shit, right? Shrek, I'm going to marry you. I've always wanted you.

Loved you. I've always have. Yeah, that's all right. Actually, can I just say the year that that movie came out for Joe Pesci? That's a massive year for Joe Pesci. He had that movie. He had Home Alone 2. He had Lethal Weapon 3. He had my cousin Vinnie.

And that fucking awesome episode of Tales from the Crip where he gets chainsawed in half. Wow. I remember that episode very vividly. That's a high functioning. porn star number you know what I mean like that's a lot of fucking productions it's four feature films and a television appearance yeah if you want to retire early like pesci did you have to do it that's a good point you gotta pack them in yep you're totally right so uh whatever like they get there they're switched their bodies is rich there's a bad agent joke like um they're about

to capture shrek in the gang and it's like oh my oh he won't do anything if there's not whatever M&Ms, it's just I can't. Yeah, they're just and then like, yeah, it's like Puss and Boots and Donkey like pretend that they're his like representation and it's like, oh, you know, you didn't get the note that he has

to have this, he's the star, you know, and they're showing the poster because it's called happily ever after all, Shrek's final performance is the whole name of this play like kind of showing your cards here charming, just have to say.

There is, I thought, okay, Here's a moment that I thought was legitimately funny in this movie. I couldn't even believe it. When you see Charming, like in, he's like backstage getting ready to go on. He's running lines and he's running lines from the scene where he's supposed to kill Shrek. And he's doing the kill blow to like all of these nameless dudes in a Shrek costume and like actually murdering them. Yeah. Kind of funny.

Kind of funny. We were talking a lot about how much the script sucks. but, like, the evil trees look awful. Oh, of course. So many of these minor things look so bad. We haven't, it's a really good point, Chris. You take for granted how bad all of these movies look, and this one especially.

It's just muted. Like, there's no design to, I was just, I was, like, checked out the whole time just visually. You can't even, with those, with the trees, by the way, you can't even really tell, like, where their face, like, with the facial features it's supposed to be because it's all, like, blended too much together. Yeah, and they also, they play, like, such a small nothing role,

and I guess they're supposed to be bad guys, but in Lord of the Rings, they were good guys. I'm confused. This is where I was falling asleep, you guys. I was just so, like, again, there's nothing, like, interesting. Like, again, like a strong, I like, I love animation. Like, there's a strong character design will take me through anything, and this has none of it.

No, definitely does not. There's a, there's a fucking fight here in the dressing room or, whatever, you know, I think it was Charming says something like, he's an ogre, what did you expect? Like, Shrek and Arthur are having another fight in the movie, thought that was over with, okay. This is, they cue that Damien Rice song that's totally inappropriate for this movie.

What in the world we played Damien Rice for? A song that mentions pulling out a gun, loading a gun, and holding a guts in a Shrek movie. Dude, and it's so insane. Like, they cut to a shot of Shrek in, like, shackles, like ankle shackles and it's like, if I give my gun away when it's loaded, and I'm

like, was anyone thinking about anything? What are you doing? It's indoctrinating children into the American experience. The gun culture. Yeah, that makes sense. What's that song called Cabin? Nine Murders? I think it's nine crimes. Yeah, I was looking that up. Because, I mean, like, again,

like Damien Rice has no, you know, you got your eels, which I don't know, that paid for their funerals. That's great. But, uh, they'll have to they'll have to need Novocate for their souls when they're in hell Guys we didn't get the Pousin' Boots job Guess we gotta go under

He hasn't put out music In a long time, right Chris? I don't know I think he secretly is Really? Even under his like real name Maybe Because there was a like a concert documentary With that dude

And it was just it was Eels I think it was just called like Eels Live at Town Hall or something. Mark Oliver Everett. Yes, that's his real name. Yeah. And it's awesome. But I have not looked into whether or not he's still making music as Eels. Yeah. But anyway,

yeah, that is, they are featured in this movie and it's the last time apparently. I did read that on the trivia. Um, they are not featured in the fourth film for whatever reason. That's good. I mean, but like, but yeah, it's just wholly inappropriate to have this. You might as love the fucking closer song in the beginning, you know?

exactly. By the way, from the internet ticker, the Eels had an album in 2018. Wow. Interesting. I'll have to look that up. I always like them a lot. I love the Eels. I've seen them live. And they covered Get Your Freak On by Missy Elliott. Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Did you guys notice the weird thing here where they're trying to talk about, I think this was trying to get to the American audience as we're in 2007. They're talking about the importance of voting because there's one part where some character is like, who cares who runs

the kingdom? And I think it's Fiona is like, I care. And she may as well look right at the camera and go, and you should too. You know what I mean? Like, you should care that John McCain shouldn't be president. Shrek the third. I cared very deeply.

There should have been a weird, Kanye West could have had a cameo playing somebody and he goes, uh, uh, Prince Charmin doesn't care about black people. And then Shrek has to be like, ah, oh, we're doing this read. It's kind of uncomfortable for me. Just stare into the camera, Shrek.

Just hold it together and look in the camera. Remember when Kanye West gave a shit about that? Oh, yeah. When he cared about anybody. But that dude is trash. Sure. Yeah. So this is the, where the queen

head butts the wall and everything. And this is the ladies getting tough montage. There's like a bra burning joke that happens around here. And I think this must be this where you were talking about Steve. It's like Baga bong gone

Baca braga braga it's like almost it but it's not. Do you think they just played the song backwards? They might have. It's insane. And there's a dumb thing here where like Shrek is, they're kind of doing like a King Kong like Shrek is in shackles and he's about to be

like revealed to this theater kind of a thing. Yeah. When he over overhears like the Cyclops talking with the kid or whatever. and he gets all like pissed off about it because he's slowly i guess coming around to the idea of having kids is the idea yeah it's like oh no you caught i love a baby and this is where we get the it's a few bars of immigrant song into barracuda you got to pick one right what are we doing i'm telling you immigrant song couldn't have been cheap why are you double dipping for this

moment and it's not even original barracuda it's barracuda by fergie oh that's the right That's right. I forgot about that. You know what? This movie is trash. That sums up the movie. That sums up the franchise. That sums up the fucking decade this was produced. You are totally right. You know, just, I think we were making dinner earlier this last weekend. And just looking for something to put on while we were making dinner before we put on a movie.

And the Las Vegas, the remake of the reboot of Las Vegas was on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The James Khan show? Yes. and there's there's a reboot no no no that's what i mean it was the old the james con version because that was a show from the 70s initially oh oh i never knew that i did watch a little bit of las vegas back in the day dude you watch that show now it if you want to know what the mid two thousands are watch los vegas because there was a bit of it was them and the black

eyed peas were playing and fucking josh dubel is just fucking dancing like yeah wow do you think that's where he and fergie met they were married that is i looked it up that is where they met. Wow. And so it's just Josh Dumel's character loving that the blackout peas are playing the casino. Yes, exactly. That sucks. Didn't that and who, I mean, nobody here will know this, I don't think, because no one

watched that show, but I believe that show ends with the hotel being, the casino being demolished, like Vegas style. Kind of funny. By the way, I got a Josh Jewel impression. Oh, nice. Let's hear it. Peggy, I want to marry you. Well done, dude.

You captioned it perfectly. Thank you. Well, you're totally right, though. In 2007, that was Josh Duhmel in that Transformers movie, I think. That's what the odds were. Just 10 years of trying to make Josh Dumel a star. Yes, exactly.

Every attempt just fucking failed. Anyone else here besides me, see Win a date with Ted Hamilton? I am not. I kind of like that movie. I did not see it. I don't remember a thing about it, except I remember complaining to the idiotic staff

at the horrendous cinema deluxe in White Plains, there's projection issues with that movie. You remain a terror. You remain a terror to this community. You know what, dude? Heaven forbid, I ask for someone to give a rat's ass about cinematic presentation. And I

know exactly what you're thinking about, Steve, that time that I complained that when we saw TMNT the animated movie, that it was out of focus. Well, you know what, Steve? It was out of fucking focus. Pat Hamilton, I want to marry you. I want you to have my children, Pat Hamilton. You do have a secret wedding.

Win a date with Andrew Juppin. Uh-oh, but the problem is you have to go to the movies with him. Yeah, to tell it to my wife, dude. It's all too fucking real. I got in a fight with a dude at the old Paris Theater and we saw the artist. That's a story for another day. Honey, it's the third bad boys. Let it go.

You know what? We rented that at home, and I rather enjoy that. I still haven't seen it. It was a fun time, whatever. It's an insane movie. So all the princesses storm the castle at this abhorrent musical cue. And at the same time, this is Artie's like just trying to fuck off and push and boots and donkey, like convince him to stay by, I believe lying to him. Yes.

Because they're like, oh no, Shrek was treating you badly right there to get you out of Prince Charming's way and to help you out. I was like, no, he kind of hates this guy. You're lying. I think the idea is you're supposed to believe them. And that's the character motivation. He was, it was like the, you know, it's the, what do you call it there? Harry the Henderson's bit. Go out of here, Harry.

Nobody wants you here. Oh, yeah. Okay. Get out of here, King Arthur. Nobody wants you. I think that's a stay tuned probably. Ooh, I like that idea. Yeah, I rewatched it maybe like five, six years ago at this point.

You know, it held up. It's a fine movie, but it'd be fun to talk about. No, it held up as far as episode purposes go. Yeah, exactly. you have to have a scene here where you sit through Maya Rudolph and Rupert Everett singing a song on stage and this is how you can tell you've really lost it here because even the far far away audience sitting in the theater is like are you kidding me they're singing right now they're singing a song to us I think my Rudeau is fucking

hysterical especially when she's singing like it's it but it just this is so fucking flat it's terrible it's absolutely terrible I mean one time actually the last time we played Chicago last year on our flight out, I was a row behind Maya Rudolph and her looking through a Bon Appetit Magazine was more entertaining than her

in this movie. Quick question. Was Maya Rudolph in coach? No, I was like the first row of coach. You know what I mean? I was able to peer through whenever they awarded us the honor of opening that curtain.

But don't you dare use that bathroom you fucking pig. No, definitely not dude. Maya Rudolph spit on me. Not true. That is not true. No, I was going to say, Saturday Live money, be damned. You're P.T. Anderson's wife. You're not flying coach. No, no, no. No, no. She had a nice big seat all

to her side. I don't know. P.T. Anderson might find that the coach has more character or something. I could see him pulling some shit like that. Like, well, you see, Maya, my movies are all super long. And the worst seat you have on a plane, the longer the flight feels. And then she started poisoning his food and he was like, I got an idea.

He's having like sausages on a plane. All right. First class it is, honey. Anywho. So, yeah, they sing this terrible song. And then like, Shrek is revealed on the stage. It's like supposed to be like the big kill moment here. But then Shrek starts vamping.

And it's vamping that defeats Prince Charming. I kind of want, speaking of Game of Thrones, I kind of want like just Shrek to get his fucking head cut off here, man. Wouldn't that be something? What a way to end the franchise. I would love it. And there's a fate, like, by the way, some of the vamping you were talking about is like, it can't be any more painful than your performance.

And everyone's like, hey. Oh, it's great, too, because he gets the audience to turn on Prince Charming. But he also, of course, with a classic Shrek gay joke where he's like, oh, he's like, let me tell you something. He's like, did you buy that? Do they make the outfit you made you wear in men? sizes. Come on, audience. Look at this guy. Yeah, that could also be like, is that

supposed to be like a little boy's clothes joke or something? Possibly. Like you're dressed like a little kid? I read it as that he views Prince Charming as a feminine. Yeah. Oh, I see. I mean, you guys are probably right because it's Shrek. Grandfathers, you got that one, right? You all those grandfathers out there. That's for you. Well, George W. Bush was in the White House.

Do you think Shrek the 3rd screened at the White House? Yes, I do. Hey, Poppy! I'm thinking about putting on Shrek the 3rd tonight. You want to come down to the Big W and watch it? Big W is what I call the White House, Poppy. All right, I'm about to go see Shrek 3rd. I'm having a heart attack.

Ah, God. Ah, geez. Why don't we come to a different understanding? And you give me a DVD screener for the hospital. I don't know, boy, you got a green person rising to prominence. I don't know about that, boy.

You know, Jab wanted Madagascar 2 to screen. I don't know. Well, Jim ain't president yet, Poppy. We know he eventually will be, but he ain't yet. When Jeff's president, he could stream whatever cartoon movie he wants, Poppy, all right? He'll watch Shrek 3 now.

Poppy? Oh, he's dead. Remember when he died and everybody gave a shit? What a waste of time. What a seriously. Whenever the president dies and do the whole funeral thing, they do like the like, look at this, everyone. Yeah.

I watched most of the Nixon funeral. Oh, wow. Good for you. Yeah, yeah, it was some boring ass television. That's a good 90s moment. Isn't that the, the fan man on the Simpsons also appeared at the Nixon funeral? Oh, great joke.

So the dragon comes in And kind of like throws everything off right here They're disgusting offspring is around here too The squawking and squealing Begging for death Prince Charming is about to lay the death blow on Shrek right here And the dragon like she swoops in and uses her flames To like melt the sword or whatever

And then yeah all the little fucking turds show up And start fighting on the stage There's a dumb ass Rapunzel is actually bald joke right here nothing funnier than making fun of a bald woman. It's set up earlier where I think somewhere Amy Polar is like as Snow White is like

yeah blah blah blah Rapunzel you and your extension's like what what what? See the whole thing with this movie and this franchise is Shrek is like I'm different and it's not cool that people treat me differently and then once he gets treated equally he's like fuck you got mine

yeah no exactly fuck you I got mine it's one thing it's one thing to make fun of ogres, Eric. But we can make fun of people with alopecia all day long. Yeah, exactly. Fuck this franchise. Fuck this movie. We're almost done with it, dude.

Actually, it's right here, actually, Eric, that the gingerbread man shits a gumdrop. Somebody, like, yells at him or something. And he's like, oh, no, boop. Oh, yeah. I guess I was conflating the moments of shitting in this movie. Is he pissing fucking syrup then? What's going on?

Yeah. One can only hope. In quarantine, I think I'm pissing cereal, too. I ain't shitting gumdrops, I'll tell you that much. It's a fucking big dump truck shits, huh? I mean, they're sprinkle with something, but ain't sugar. Oh, God, damn it. So then Prince Charming drops by, and he's like, hey, man,

did you ever try a given piece a chance? and instantly de-escalates everything. Yeah, and it's just like, hey, everybody was, like, the idea is like, oh, you know, everybody, nobody wanted to be a villain. They just didn't have the opportunity to be good, I guess, or something. Oh, my hair is floppy. Bye, movie.

Okay. It does kind of remind me of those horse shit, uh, South Park. Everybody's a little wrong moments. Yes, yes, exactly. And I'm like, man, fucking S my D. your libertarian horse shit, yeah. Oh, my God, it's awful.

So everybody lays down their arms. There's a fake thing where, like, uh, Prince Charming is like, not so fast and appears to, like, have run Shrek through. Yes. And I'm like, do it.

Do it. Fuck. Yes. Cut this dude's green insides out. I was screaming in the house this morning watching us. I was so, like, yes. At least cut him. Like, at least have, like,

I'll give me at least a scene of like Shrek being bandaged and him crying. and like the little green blood coming I know, no, no, no! And then donking being like, are you a doctor? Are you a doctor? You're going to be okay. But it's so, it's so dumb

because what they, like, like, Shrek is like sort of playing it up. And then he's like, you better work on your aim. And like he never even hit him. I was hoping the gag would have at least been like, you know, the sword hits him and then like crumbles or something because he's got like tough ogre skin or some crap. Yeah, but he's just like, ah, yeah, I just did the thing

what do you put it through you on him. Ack. And then fucking this dude gets murdered for no reason. Like, shouldn't he go to, a big castle falls on him, right? Or somebody shoves it on him, maybe? No, you're right. I think someone actually fucking murders him. You're right.

Someone shoves this fucking tower on him. Is it not the gingerbread man? I thought he had something to do with it. I thought I saw him floating around there. I think I saw the gingerbread man on the grassy knoll. This is turning into radio land murders very quickly. Update, the gingerbread man was taken into custody three weeks later. Oh, boy, I'm going to kill myself in prison.

He was killed by the Pillsbury Doughboy while awaiting trial. They called him the Assassin's Assassin. Dude, when you're trying to figure out if the Pillsbury Doughboy has murdered somebody, it's called a who's done it. That's awful. But he hasn't done anything that evil to warrant. Yeah, he's trying to kill Shrek, but like, can't we just take him into fake fun? He's at the end, he's in jail, and he goes, ah, rats, I lost.

You know what I mean? Like, that's the end of the movie. And if you want to do this, like, brothers lay down your arms kind of thing, maybe there's a thing that you plant, like, earlier in the movie where he learns that he really enjoys cooking for himself. Sure. And then when you see, like, the epilogue, it's like, oh, Prince Charming opened a little, like, cafe or something in far, far away. And, like, he's totally content with, like, that being his life or something.

And then an animal house. House, house, house, animal, house. Shrek and Fiona playing cat and mouse. But what happens to him is a callback from the beginning of the movie when he's doing the dinner theater and the set falls on him. They're using the, it's the Buster Keaton joke of the house falling. Oh, got it, got it. They do that at the beginning at the dinner theater,

and then that's what happens to him again, but this time he doesn't get up from it. And it's like, well, I guess that guy's dead. Great. Hey, great. Whatever you say. wreck the third. Oh, but I think around here, the Merlin swaps the body's back between the cat and donkey. Yep. And no one's learned a goddamn thing. That is all for absolutely nothing. Oh, I got the tails wrong, though. Oopsies. Oh, right. It's like 3.5 jokes they get out of that. That's it.

Tops. Yeah, why do it? Why the fuck do it? But then, so we have the final five minutes of this movie are the most abhorrent five minutes in the whole thing. thing. Shrek decides he's excited to be a father and we flash forward. Biona has had triplets and there are just little monsters farting and throwing up. Oh, by the way, Arthur accepts being king. Oh, sure. That's the conclusion of that thing. Right, right, right. Got about that. It's almost as if it doesn't matter. Nope. It doesn't. Again, to Chris's point, like, Shrek should be king

at the end. He should have learned something about, oh, no, I'll be a king and it'll be good for the world to have a fucking ogre king or something. Exactly. It's kind of insane that this movie is the hero being like, you know what? Forget growth. I'm going back to the bog. The inner drama

of the whole movie is more about Arthur, who we see for maybe 10 minutes. Yes, yeah, exactly. That it is about fucking, like, and all Shrek needs to fucking be on board with the fucking baby thing is seeing another monster baby in the housing works.

because what you what you need here is Arthur needs to have a scene by himself or at least like without Shrek without Puss and Boots and without donkey in it like he needs to go and you see him like have whatever that

realization is instead it's like he just gets tricked to come back and then just decides to do it and like because he does the whole like lay down your arms things he proves himself to be like diplomatic in that way and it turns out he is a good leader but like it's all right at the ass end of the movie. This character

has had no journey because Shrek's too busy farting on the screen. Nope. And yeah in the last 10 minutes of the movie are just music. Just like fart music to fart too. It sucks. I would like Shrek to become king and then like we flash forward to like, you know, modern day, you know, 2007

or something. People are looking through the history books and were like, oh, I thought he was just described as an ogre because he was a cruel, brutal king with an iron fist. And you can tell that there really just trying to get like they are trying to get the grandfathers and like

the grandmothers because where like the last one was Ricky Martin this one's thank you for let me be myself again by Sly and the family stove except it's sung by donkey and Puss and Boots. Don't remind me. And so it's just this parenting montage

of them like you know being exhausted whatever and there's a gag we got one last one less gritty disgusting rotten sex joke in this movie because like you see a thing or like the three babies are finally asleep and it's like, what should we do

now? And it just cuts to them sleeping and it's like, boy I get it, new parents have a hard time. Like why does it need to be in Trek the third? Why is this movie still happening? Come on donkey and Puss. Bring those credits. By the way, I can tell you the beginning of the fourth

one is them getting used to parenting again. Wait, so they pulled Pirates of the Caribbean where the first few minutes of the fourth movie? Is that the end of the third movie? They're doing it here too? It's a longer a bit in the fourth one but it's there and that's

all it is. God damn it. It would make some sense to do like to do this like oh the baby shit thing but you know what? In between the second and third movies Fiona just had kids you know what and that's what this movie is. It's all about this shit. It's all it's just an afterthought all of this

it doesn't it's not adding anything the movie is over with. Wouldn't you want a like a little I don't know maybe I blanked out and I didn't hear it but like I would want a little speech from Shrek telling Fiona like look yeah I've grown I'm ready to be a father you know I had a lot

time to think on this trip and all this shit but like that doesn't happen either so it's just fucking nothing like oh yeah I saw the Cyclops baby I'm ready I'm ready let's go do it let's go let's go can I get three of them the Shrek franchise my friends just a whole bunch of nothing

and because we don't have that emotional scene Chris it just confirms that Shrek's only in it for the sexual fucking pounding he wants to deliver and nothing more. I like making babies. I don't know like raisin'em. Yeah.

Trash. Hey, would anybody recommend this movie? No, this is, I do think this is the worst thus far, and I'm sure we'll see what the fourth one is, which I've heard from some people on the internet that is better. It gets, it's a course correction possibly. You can't trust any of those comments.

No, I know. But just in general, no. I do think this is incredibly bland, toothless, and just like it's a movie that doesn't want to be a movie, so then why do I care? Yeah, no, exactly. Let's go to Chris Camp. Yeah, awful.

Just never watch it. I know what people are talking about with the fourth one being a little better because there are a lot more actual creative decisions being made, but like they're all bad. It's still all bad, so I don't give a fuck, and they're all suck. Fair enough, Mr. Cisca.

Well, I think that, I think this is the best Trek movie I've seen, which is sort of like rating which turd in the fucking bowl in the morning is the best. Like, they're all terrible. There's always a clear good one, though, one you're proud of. The most solid. Yeah, if you get enough fiber. There's definitely a turd hall of fame, dude. So I really, I really don't like, even though I say this is the best track movie, I fucking hate this movie.

And I hate, I, I really hate, I hate, I hate that this has become a big franchise. I hate the, the fact that I know Shrek, I fucking hate, I fucking hate it. I fucking hate this and I fucking hate everything. You'll be seeing Shrek T-shirts until the day you die. I will. Exactly. They're the fucking, that's the next order, order of boop. Shrek T-shirts when I'm fucking 95 and some, some, some kid like kneecaps me at a boardwalk.

My last moments of my eyes flickering As a fucking Shrek T-shirt running away The Legion of Shrek I'm there for it dude I hope someone films your death Me too No of course not This is garbage I hate it

I absolutely hate this I think it is a clear One two three so far for me There's nothing here It's not a movie It's you know When you have your main guy really sounding like he doesn't give a shit.

Yep. It's over. This is over with. You know what I mean? And we have, yes, I understand a fourth movie. There are a lot of specials. But here's my question, actually, because we're talking about how, you know, it's this huge thing. It's the next order of boop, whatever you want to say. And I do know a lot of people love this. But where, I mean, where does this franchise stand right now? We're not making more of these movies, right? Is there more TV stuff? No, there's one more movie coming here. Yeah, yeah, they're going to do it again. What? Right again. Shrek. Really with Shrek?

I feel like I just said what, like fucking Princess Leia before Alder on that one. I'm almost positive. They're doing another, a fifth one. I'm looking up right now. Well, they're doing, I mean, at least according to Mike Meyer's IMDB, they're not. Untitled, Shrek reboot, 2022.

They don't have him attached to it. No, he's not on it. They got writers, though. Well, that's great. Isn't that great, everybody? So we're getting a fourth Austin Powers movie, maybe and maybe another one of these. And we're getting another Puss and Boots.

It's never going to end, fellas. Oh, man, that fucking sucks. That sucks. And on that uplifting note, ladies and gentlemen, that is Shrek the 3rd from 2007, directed by Ramon Huy and Chris Miller. If you want more Wee Hey movies, check out, of course, WHM Podcast.com.

We got a lot of stuff going on. Of course, we are in the summer blockbuster extravaganza. And there's big stuff going on on Patreon. Eric Sisko, what's floating out there this month. Oh, for Patreon this month. What month is this? June. Our Patreon full-length episode, over two hours discussing No Country for Old Man, which is a lot of fun. You should

hear us talk about a movie we love. That's a movie from 2007 that you can love. Exactly. Same years, guys. Just saying. We got the Nexus, our Star Trek podcast, recapping episodes of TOS and TNG. We've got a Scooby-Doo animation damnation, which is a lot of fun. and on the Gleap Glouclery where we talk about Star Wars characters.

We got a hot little episode on a hot little guy called Salishius Crop. And also a fucking cat's material, a full singable commentary to the film Cats. That is right. All of that is going on. And of course, a friendly reminder. We Hate Movies is donating

100% of our 202T public merch store earnings to Black Lives Matter and social justice adjacent charities through ActBlue. Of course, check out WHMpodcast.com. There's a little pop-up box that will come up on the screen

when you visit the website. It's going to give you all the information you need to get down on that. So please give, if you can, to that. And Steve Sadek, next week, the summer blockbuster extravaganza rolls on with what famed title for us to talk about. I've never seen this movie before. I've never seen any of these movies before. The expendables. strap into it also how have you missed any of these really i just wasn't into it i just i saw it coming i was like no thanks yeah you might have been right about that uh but yeah the the og yeah i think i saw

how many of there are three yeah i think i saw them all in theaters folks i saw the first two in theaters and i've definitely also rented the third one after the fact uh i got to say probably better than shrek the third um do not know that for sure and also just a quick announcement, breaking news here from the We Hate Movies Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa. If anybody gets that joke, you guys are awesome.

In order to bolster or sort of raise the profile of our merch donation initiative here, we are going to be conducting a special live streamed commentary. This Saturday, June

27th, Steve Sadek, do you have more information on that for the folks of all? All I know is it's a movie called Can't Hardly Wait. That is right. We're going to watch it together at, what is it? What would we say, 9 o'clock Eastern? We're saying 9 Eastern on June the 27th is a Saturday night. We will be watching Can't Hardly Wait.

We will be talking over it, probably imbibing a little bit, gentlemen. Just to raise awareness for the merch donation initiative, like I said. So stay tuned this week to the social media. We Hate Movies. social media. That's at WHM podcast on Twitter and at WHM podcast on Instagram for more announcements as to how you can check that out. We will of course be broadcasting that on our YouTube channel, I would say. Correct. And now this applies to U.S. listeners only maybe. I don't know what the rights are, but it's currently streaming on Netflix in the United States. So you

could watch along on Netflix and simultaneously have us on a, you know, whatever device you want, that doing the live commentary should be a lot of fun. Absolutely. It's going to be totally free to watch, but we are going to keep pouring you towards either A, our Merch Initiative, or just that direct Act Blue Link to raise money

for charity, because that's what we're trying to do is just get a ton of money into those charities. Absolutely. And we will also have, hopefully, if this works out, right? I think it should, a little timer on the screen. So if you tune in late, you'll know where in the movie we are and you can sync up to us. And by the way, gang, this is something to just raise awareness

for the charity initiative we have here. We are not recording this or releasing it or anything like that. So don't be all like, I'll catch it when they rebroadcast it. Not happening. This is not a Patreon exclusive. This is not in anything but a live event to raise money for the charity initiative. So

be sure this Saturday night, if you're available 9 p.m. Eastern talking about a great movie, can't hardly wait. So that's it. A lot of stuff going on here at the We Hate Movies Universe. Thanks for sticking with us as always. And until next week, with the expense I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Sadek. Eric Siske. And to paraphrase my good buddy, Steve Sadek, take it easy and wear a fucking bath. That was a hit gum podcast.