We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 494 - The Terminal

Episode Date: July 14, 2020

On this week's episode, the 2020 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza takes a layover to JFK to chat about Steven Spielberg's low stakes sap-fest, The Terminal! Why doesn't Tucci's character get his at the end? Why couldn't Catherine Zeta-Jones play an investigative reporter who breaks Viktor's story instead of a flight attendant that does nothing? And on what planet is this guy getting a New York City airport Burger King cheeseburger for 74 cents in 2004? PLUS: Memento, except it's ketchup packets instead of insulin! WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. The Terminal stars Tom Hanks, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Stanley Tucci, Chi McBride, Diego Luna, Barry Shabaka Henley, Kumar Pallana, and Zoe Saldana; directed by Steven Spielberg. This week's episode is sponsored by Serial Box! Get an exclusive 40% discount on select titles by going to serialbox.com/WEHATEMOVIES or redeeming code: WEHATEMOVIES. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, get ready to wait around and do nothing. It's the terminal. I'm Andrew Jupin. I am Krakusha. I'm Eric Siska. I'm Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello,

indeed another entry in our summer blockbuster extravaganza and boy it doesn't get any blockbustery than this. It's the terminal from 2004 directed somehow by Stephen Spielberg man you know I fight the dinosaur.

Yes I get in boat and catch jaws. I'm going to catch jaws in boat. Must go faster. Must go faster. So that happened. See that's the thing dude. I think Steven Spielberg has missed out an opportunity here to have a Victor Navorsky cinematic universe where he just keeps popping up in these movies now.

Elliot, I too shall always be in your heart. Yes, Elliot. You have Little Alien and me, Victor Navorski. Yeah. Steve, I really, I really have to say I don't think he should be in the color purple. I'm going to be 100% with you on this one. I just don't think it's a good idea. Hey, it's me, Vic. No, never mind. Got to go. Hello, Danny Glover. Nope, no, never mind. Oh, no, it is back in World War II.

Crococians characterized as gypsy, so that's not good. This is, of course, the Stevens Spielberg movie where Tom Hanks inexplicably waits around an airport for about. Is it supposed to be a year? Do we have a timeline? They say nine months at some point. It's kind of in the late middle of the movie. Wait, nine months. So it's sort of like a baby, like he's becoming a fully formed person by the end of this?

It's at least nine months. And I do want to stop people who are tip-typing about whether or not this is a summer blockbuster. This came on June 8th and it made $77 million domestically. So there you go, dude, fucking sit on it and twirl. We also like a little counter-programming, you know, do a little romance or something in the summer. People kiss. I have to say it's kind of in you know

this movie is mostly cons I was conned into seeing it in the theaters for example but a pro here is that they don't get together at the end of this movie that's true they they couldn't actually

because they the original ending was them getting together and then tested poorly and then they had to reshoot it which actually I was reading it kept Ben Kingsley from being in Munich like he was supposed to be in Munich

but Spielberg had to reshoot the ending and they only had him for a week or something and they lost Ben Kingsley for Munich but yes who was Ben Kingsley supposed to be in Munich it's a great question he's gonna be gold in my ear but I mean clearly it just doesn't work

because it's not like they don't have any chemistry and their relationship doesn't make sense so like if at the end of them kissing you're like well what the fuck is that? Yeah like where is that going you know what I mean like the way that this ends I kind of like that we're mementoing this episode. I'm okay

with this. I love the fact that the last thing you see is him just in a cab going back to the airport and going home. It makes sense to memento this episode since the lead character sounds like it got hit in the head. Yeah, dude. And Tom Hanks is Sammy Jankis.

I remember leaving Ramada in with Pete from 30 Rock. Yeah, dude, that's right. Sammy, it's time for my ketchup packet. Oh no, wife die from two man the ketchup picket. Although I mix up ketchup packet and mayonnaise packet I kill a wife. That's something by the way. Every

time this movie has come up over the last 10 years Eric has done the ketchup packet and I totally forgot dude we are swimming in not just ketchup but mustard mayonnaise and a little bit of relish if you look close. I forgot about all the packets. So many packets. Well this guy's fucking malnourished living packet to packet. Live picket to pick it, got it. He should have done the castaway

and lost all that weight again. Like, because that, I think it's safer to live on an island by yourself than at a fucking terminal. Absolutely. Live life one a packet at the time. The movie does this twice, which is annoying. The, like,

the airport is waking up in the morning nonsense. Okay. This is TSA propaganda, pretty much. It is. They're like greeting all these people like, hi, business or pleasure. Every single time I have come back through Customs in New York, it's always someone like, and this is me, a fucking, you know, middle-aged white man.

It's like, where you been? Uh-huh, yeah, but where'd you go? Oh, yeah, was that fun? I bet you had fun. Yeah, what are you doing here? Oh, you live here. Oh, that's pretty fancy. Look at the fucking passport.

Like, they always have to act like the biggest fucking pricks. Oh, man, that reminds me the last, the first time we went out to L.A. to do a show, and this was like, I think, well, maybe it was the second. It was around the time, like, Trump was elected or whatever. And one of the TSA guys stopped me, and he was just like, what's that name? So that I, yeah, that a fuck, he didn't say fuck. That a fuck name? That a Russian name, pal?

It's not a Russian name? It's actually like your goddamn business. I know. And I feel like this has happened to me twice in, like, customs and stuff before. And I just, I put on, like, more of an American accent and less like, no it ain't, sir. Polish name. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like, but it is, it's a job where your job is to be nasty. But yeah, he's like, you see Tucci, he's like, like the eye in the sky there.

And he's like, look at those Chinese tourists. They're like, oh, yeah, then just go to Disneyland. He's like, oh, yeah. You ever see a Chinese tourist go to Disneyland without a fucking camera? It's like, all right, that's the movie. Welcome to 2004. Oh, my God. That's the movie.

Was it a camera line? I thought it was kids. No, no, it's a camera line. Oh, Lord. It's so much worse because Tucci may as well have been like, excuse me, just last week, I watched an episode of Tiny Tunes and there were a bunch of tourists from China coming to the Looniversity and they all had cameras in Hawaiian shirts on.

Where are the cameras in Hawaiian shirts right here? They really should have the Sherlock BBC music when he's looking at them, that that's what's off. That's what, yeah, no, they're all crap. Of course, he's right, of course. of course and then they all like run away first of all where you're running to but then the security guards like swarming them like what and what is what does this even mean were they Chinese spies that's a great question I don't know this is some sort of a terror attack is this or they just like smuggling themselves out of the country like question mark question mark question mark I also feel by the way speaking of the time period in which this movie was released and takes place in as far as I can tell yeah right in a post 9-11 society other are going to be cool with Stanley Tucci just letting this person live in the airport. Okay.

If he was one shade darker, he'd have a fucking car battery right up his nuts. Yep, you're totally right, dude. If even fucking Diego Luna was in this role instead of Tom Hanks, you're totally right. Car battery, two nuts. Poor, poor Gupta? Oh, no. Oh, Gupta? Gupta, who we're told is going to be deported at the end of this film.

they're just going to fucking that guy's disappearing that's all that's going to happen yeah did you guys see it was supposedly like based on a true story yeah the iranian guy who lived at charles de gall airport for like a really long time yeah um yeah i i guess that guy's like gotta be dead by now he's alive is he still alive he no longer uh living at the airport uh thankfully uh he was paid 250 grand for this movie and he also kind of went crazy is what happened. He was calling himself like Sir Alfred by the end of it which it makes a ton of sense because you would go fucking mad. I just went to his Wikipedia page

and it says autobiography. In 2004 his biography the Terminal Man was published and then it says it was reviewed as being profoundly disturbing and brilliant. Holy shit. Well that's the thing is like

this movie is Steven Spielberg and who I love. I mean at his absolute nicest and that's a big problem. Absolutely. this movie should have like shades of Brazil in terms of like uh like bureaucracy gone mad you know what I mean forms and shit dictating people's lives yeah any kind of uh claustrophobia paranoia maybe jingleism all of it comedic satire angle with that Brazil idea like something give me something

but it's very capra vibes I feel like throughout and he's so much better when he's trying to be Preminger or Hawks, but this is like insufferable. I mean, this and Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls breaks up what is otherwise an incredible decade for him. Yeah. And these are his worst, I think.

I mean, speaking of the whole hawks angle, like check out our episode on Raiders of the Lost Dark on Patreon, patreon. patreon.com slash we hate movie. That's right true. And I mean, like, even that's John Houston. Never mind. It's okay. In any event. But no, he,

he um he did catch me if you can which is such a better movie than this and he's like you know i had such a good time making that movie was like so low stakes and like light and everyone could feel good about it i wanted to do more of that but that movie has stakes and like characters and like big movement and like it's gorgeous yeah i mean catch me if you can't it's interesting because one of the things i said when the movie hit credits when we were watching it a little while ago is like this is so low stakes for him that like it's not worth his time. He's not this kind of a director. And then you can look at something

like Catch Me if you can, which like, there's no sci-fi elements. It's also based to Ishauna True Story. You know, it has big actors in it, all the same stuff, but it's just like that much bigger of a story. And while still being in like a grounded thing, there's no

magic or sci-fi or whatever. And I mean, it's like globe trotting and you've got the, what do you call it there, the period piece angle of it, so the costumes are outrageous. You've got stuff to like chew all in that as opposed to like literally a commercial for the discovery channel or whatever the fuck also the character never changes he's a great guy from beginning to end like that the world has to realize how great he is that's exactly what happens i mean what kills me about this character is you

don't know anything about him like so he comes from this fictional country carcotia and you don't know if he's got a wife children anything and it's it's never you you never get an idea of what is life is even like there. They do ask him at one point, do you have a way for children or a girlfriend? And he says no to all. Catherine Zeta Jones does ask him that, but also that's like an hour into the movie. I am in cell. I like the joker.

Oh, excuse me, border's books. Do you have catcher in the eye? Yes, he like, he comes through and they're about to stamp his passport. But, uh-oh, there's a problem. They bring him up to Stanley Tucci, who informs him. Stanley Tucci is eating this lunch, by the way. I really I have a hard time believing

that Stanley Tucci has ever eaten the big bag of the barbecue lays. I really, I saw that. It read me as wrong. What if he had some of it with lunch and he saved the rest of it for an afternoon snack? Well, he had none of it because he fucking punched

it and threw potato chips all over this immigrant that he despises. It's true. It's like you're just a punching bag. Yeah, to make his point. Yeah, he's just saying like, hey, look, So overnight, Carcogia was taken over by rebels or whatever, or insurgents, whatever you want to call. I mean, I don't know the politics of the Caucasian government. I wouldn't want to disparage these rebels. They probably have the right side of history.

Well, I think it said it was a military coup, so that could go either way. Yeah, so they temporarily, like, don't have a functioning government. So, like, they're not being recognized as a country by anybody is the idea. And he's like, at the beginning of the movie, Hank's or Victor's, English, grasp what English is very bad. He gets much better at it as the movie goes on, thank God, because it's just so annoying because he's like, Carcocia, yes, I crocogia.

He's like, give him a thumbs up. And he's like, no, no, no. There's no carcogia. Carcogia don't exist. And he slams these chips all over him. I mean, the performance in this film by Tom Hanks for the first, like, 30, 40 minutes reminded me of Mrs. Doudfire when, when Robin Williams is trying to, like, jam her phone with a bunch of, like, bad candidates.

It's like, I am job. I am job. Wow, deep pull. I forgot about that. I mean, to me, he's for the first like 35 minutes of this movie, he's playing an actual extraterrestrial. You know what I mean?

The way that they like, you know, and I get it, you know, going to a country where you don't speak the native language, obviously a big hurdle. But they have him like looking at those potato chips like, what is this all over, and he's like looking at shit as if he just,

just landed from somewhere out in the stars. This is a better idea. Like, Carcotia is a planet, not a country. And it's just like, maybe make it a little scary. Like, yeah, this jet just landed. 200 people got on. 201 got off. Oh, fuck.

That's a great idea. Nobody knows that he's radioactive a little bit or something. Just a little bit. They do the wand on them. And by his dick, it keeps going, roo. I bring you love. He's breaking his legs He's bringing in love

Don't let him get away He is Oh, where can I buy Nike shoes Hey Huh? That's doing anything for the back row of audience With stupid people You know Nike

Also like this movie The story of this movie Shouldn't exist Because you are not Sending this person Back out into the airport Until you get someone who can speak his

language down there and you can like ascertain that he knows what the score is not just fucking let him out into the wild like a bird they act like it's so hard to get an interpreter for him whatsoever it's like I know maybe in his fictional country

it's not exactly Russian but get someone from the eastern block you know how many of them live in Brooklyn an interpreter or like a cop next to him like some a secure official. They're just like looking at him through the surveillance cameras the whole time.

And I mean, even later on the movie, like he speaks Russian to this other guy. So clearly they're close, the languages are close enough. Exactly. Like, it's a Slavic language. Find someone who can speak Russian. That's not hard in New York City. This whole notion, and they say it later in the movie when he's dealing

with that Russian guy who's freaking out about the medicine. They're like, yeah, we got a translator on the way, but he ain't going to be here for another four hours. And I'm like, what are you talking about? out anybody. Like, do you understand that this movie takes place in New York City? Come on. Well, I mean, it doesn't

because it takes place in a JFK airport on Mars. I mean, in the year 299. I mean, it's been a while for me and JFK, but man, oh man, has it never looked this good? Yeah. Well, we should

point out here, production-wise, this is a completely fake structure that they built for the movie. For sure. But yeah, you know, especially at 2004 JFK. I have to say that new like Terminal 5 is pretty nice out there. This is like the interior of the moon airport in

Ad Astra. Which also had a Hudson News, so it actually works. Yeah. Did it have a burger king? It had an Applebeast. Oh yeah. Tucci's like, look, we're going to sort this out very shortly. And he's like, immigration lawyers? Like, absolutely

not. No, he doesn't say that because it never fucking comes up at this movie for some reason. But it's like, you just wait in the terminal and we'll sort this all out. I mean, Stanley Tutu even says like you don't qualify for anything, not even asylum or anything, but it's like his fucking country got took over by a military

coup. I'm sure like, yeah, someone would have helped him. And then it's funny because watching the movie, I was like, huh, is this really a movie about Steven Spielberg commenting on? And then I was like, no, no, no, no, no. We're not doing it. No, no, no. There is none

of that here. This is indeed Capra Town, nancy, nice. nice nice and tucci is only going to be like sort of ish a bad guy and not be punished by the end of the movie and lo and behold both of those things came true but it would be in tucci's interest to get him an immigration lawyer and get this guy out of your fucking airport and stop him from showering in your sink like this is not what this is not a desirable situation for anyone that's what's crazy about the fact that tucci's up for this promotion because his boss who was like the dad in league of their own among other things so he's the bad guy in sneakers yeah uh is like you know hey

you're up for this big promotion these people are going to come in soon or whatever like tucci is trying to do this thing where it's like let's get him out of here as fast as possible i'm going to trick him into going through these doors and it'll just get arrested and he's someone else's problem it's like no wouldn't it make more sense like you look like a really swell guy who knows the ins and outs of your agency by like okay we're going to call this lawyer get this guy settle down, all of this stuff, instead of like, I'm going to set a fantastic trap for this

foreign man. Like, yeah, he would go to a halfway house or something, and then it wouldn't be your fucking problem. Like, it's okay to not have this guy eating your trash, like fucking slimer. That's better than not. There are hotels all around this

fucking airport. Just send him to one of them. No, because he's a foreigner and 9-11. 9-11, Chris. 9-11. Now give him a master security card so he can get back, you know, behind the scenes very easily and go anywhere in the airport he wants to. Yeah, I mean, the fact that he takes over, like, haunted areas of the airport is just insane. Again, dude, this is post-9-11. This dude is not doing fucking leisurely construction work in an abandoned parts of the airport. Come on.

There aren't abandoned parts of an airport that no one goes to. Like, that's not how that works. Oh, Gate 67, I thought that burned down 40 years ago. Oh, my God. Some say you could still hear the final boarding call for that gate. You listen close enough late at night. It was flight 247, the 3 p.m. to Cincinnati. Absolutely no problems happened with the flight. It's just the last one.

they uh oh the walls bleed again ugh ketchup packet no is wall blood get out in America the wall they paint themselves every night very good the thing that's like really obnoxious for me watching this is like you know like

any human being with a beating heart I love Tom Hanks and he's such a great actor that like he makes it really easy for you to feel for this man and like you know you feel really bad for him at the jump in this movie and like you have to just keep reminding yourself that you are watching the terminal and not get fucking duped by this performance because like i do feel for the guy you know and it's all like you know tom hanks and the big puppy dog eyes and everything and like the dude just makes it work but then i'm like no no not only is a puppy dog eyes he's kind of just playing a dog he's he's exactly a talking dog in this movie yeah it's it's It's trying, it's like trying to be an Oscar caliber Borat. Yeah, yeah. And I know Borat comes out later after this, but I don't disinformed Borat.

Pucci the movie. Yeah. Borat was definitely, at least on the HBO show at this point. So. Yeah, that's true. He had been doing it on to El-Eachin show. Because it's this thing where like he doesn't understand stuff, but everything he does is so earnest and sweet. And like, he doesn't have an interior life. He's not like, oh, this is terrible.

He's not like just openly weeping in the terminal like most people would be doing. Well, that's the thing like in like, you know, we were comparing this to Castaway a second ago. Like in Castaway, you have those moments where Tom Hanks like he gives up and he's at the end of his rope and he's like crying and screaming. Like not that this guy has to be doing that, but there's got to be more than him like, okay, I wait. I mean, I would again, like I would not hang. I might not hang myself on an island stranded. I would definitely hang myself at an airport. That's for sure.

Oh, dude, if it was an island, I'm just going to live out my last days, dude. If it's like a paradise island. Right, of course. But with the whole Crozier angle, it's like where, I know, you know, he doesn't have anything tethering him to reality. There's no family there anymore, I guess his father's past. But like, he presumably lived somewhere and he doesn't, he's no concern over what is happening to any of his possessions. Exactly. Where's what's happening to my apartment right now, you know?

Nine months, dude. That's huge. I mean, he does process it. Like, he cries when he. watches the news about it. But the thing is, he processes it immediately. Like, there's no long lasting problem with this. Well, that's the thing, Chris, right? It's like he processes, because I, like, for some reason, this coup is like on every news network in the movie. So, you know, he sees, he processes that immediate reaction of like his homeland is no longer

there. But like, I'm talking about like, oh, I've been in this airport for fucking eight months right now. I'm losing my goddamn mind. At the very least, he wouldn't be eating Burger King all the time he'd be getting that duty-free vodka. Oh, yeah, dude. Got to stop by the duty-free shop. Make it double. I am now an alcoholic. No, but you have to make him as childlike as possible. Yeah, he doesn't drink until the end. He gets all these food vouchers at first.

We don't want you dying here. You catch the details on these food vouchers? I did not. So we're talking, it's 2004. It's New York City in an airport. And these pieces of shit are giving him $10 per meal vouchers. And if you look at it, it's like $10. And then there's a checkbox and it's like lunch, breakfast, dinner, or whatever.

Like, good luck living on that. Hope you like the dollar menu. Hope you like those fucking ketchup packets. But he loses them because, well, the actor. Oh, Kumar Palana, the dude who's in a ton of. of Wes Anderson movies. Yeah. I always call Mr. Little Jeans

because of his name in Rushmore because I think it's just such a weird. It's a wonderful day. I always think of him as Pagoda because he stabs Gene Hackwood in the stomach. It's pretty wonderful. He's great. But he's,

but I do love, but he like steals all of his, it doesn't steal like, he's got this shit all over the place while he's trying to get himself together. And he winds up, this guy throws them all away in front of him. And he's like, can I look in God?

A bitch. He's like, no, you need it to pull. appointment it's like okay okay that's a that's a joke that just doesn't work because then like later when he finds him again he's like do you have an appointment he's like yes appointment Tuesday 930 here I am appointment time and you're just like none of this was super established but also like is he really that stupid that he's like oh that he's going to save that garbage and I can get it back on Tuesday yeah that's you're totally right dude like he understood like I'm presuming in carcosia they have dudes that sweep up garbage

and throw it in a trash can. Like he understands what happens when something goes in a garbage can. Garbage everywhere. I mean, they keep that like a secret for most of them. Like you never really pinned down what he does or does not understand.

Even in language, like, it just like goes wherever it likes to just to fit the script. Yeah, exactly. Like some things he'll know immediately what to do and then other things, it's like you might as well have a giant cartoon question mark above his head.

that meal voucher thing happens by the way because he tries to help a spoiled little shit and like break something in the fucking uh oh the suitcase suitcase which you have to be like you would have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger to actually puncture that thing like that I would say he's a little bit of a she is a bit of you know she's like spoiled she's like daddy broke my thing or whatever but you know what keep your and I'm going to be a little racist here because it's a fake country keep your dirty Caucasian hands off my goddamn suitcase okay well He's just trying to help people, dude. That's the thing.

He's just a big lovable puppy dog that, you know, wants to help anyone. But also, like, yeah, where is the super strength coming from? He decimates that suitcase. I've never seen anything like it. He's track, dude. And he's just, he's sad to be away from the swamp of Carcotia. So this is like, yeah, he, he, now he has no food, nothing. This is what he, does he eat the ketchup packets here?

Because it's really important. It's a couple of scenes where he's making it. It's like, it's like, it's a sandwich. He's, yeah, he's making condiment sandwiches basically because he's got, and not triscuits, but, um, premiums. Premiums brand saltines there. Yeah, and he's just like, yellow ketchup on there.

Oh, yellow mustard. He would, I guess you'd get this from like a place that serves soup and they just kind of have those around, I guess is the idea. The crackers are a big mystery to me. Obviously, the packets, that's anywhere. But a box of crackers, I don't know what's going on. Because he's, oh, you go. If they have like an island for all of the different like food court places, I can imagine

them having like a little thing of crackers too. Okay. Sure. Yeah. You know what though? I never saw him get the crackers, Chris. That's true. He's a little cracker sue. Tom Hanks is a cracker's shoe. Cracker Sue brand crackers. Yeah. Forrest Gump was a Cracker Sue as well.

That's the fucking logo for it. right? It's like Cracker Sue brand crackers, they're the widest. Man-aise flavored crackers. That's right. Cracker Sue, they succeed. Like Jared Kushner's one.

I love premium saltines. Back in grade school when you forgot your lunch, the lunch lady would make you a plate of a premium saltines with Peter butter in between them and sometimes I'd have a shitty lunch I'd be like fuck this you throw it in the garbage like I forgot my lunch wow wow really you couldn't is that the free lunch or could you buy lunch at one of your weird weird old Catholic schools they are very at least in grade school is very rare to be able to buy lunch uh like certain days they're like a taco day and you'd

need a slip it was speaking of bureaucracy you'd have to like put it put down how many tacos you wanted no but then you had to pay cash money in grade school uh you'd pay in a advanced so that they ordered it and then Wow. Where's your money? Say that. You want your chicken sandwich? Oh, you want to wear jeans? I say that. That'll cost you as a dollar. It's a real thing. You know, dress down day, dude. You want to wear regular clothes? Let's see a fucking dollar. That's real hands.

Oh, us scuzzy Catholics. That's really awful. Now we know why the Vatican's covered in gold. It's all the dressed down day money. It goes straight to the Pope. So, like, he makes a, like, a makeshift sleeping area for himself in this abandoned part of the airport. And it's the abandoned part of the airport, but there's got to be somebody anywhere near because he is slamming and slamming. And, like, so he's like, excuse me, sir, are you okay? It's one thing to be an abandoned part of the airport, but this is like a fucking Scooby-Doo set.

Like, why is, why there's still chairs there that are, like, half torn apart? I feel like they would have demoed some of this if they were actually containing this area. I think you're right because later when he somehow just gets a job with this contracting team and he's like

where are you working and he's like oh he says terminal 67 or whatever and the the foreman is like terminal 67 we're not going to be out there for 10 months and I'm like okay so like if this is all plotted out and you have a timeline for when you're going to be

renovating this part, like, why would that shit all be there? Like, it does just look like an abandoned, like, haunted mansion or something. Terminal 67? Why, it makes no sense. What the hell are you talking about? You're hired. Terminal 67. Isn't that where that little girl got ran over by that

baggage caught so many years ago? She went under the wheels. So, Tucci finds out from not Jackie Gleason here that he's up for acting field commissioner just barring

like some people have to come in and evaluate him which will be very not important later. Well it's a police academy movie. All right. Lassard in two weeks here comes the big fucking promotion and we're going to make sure nothing goes I'm surprised this doesn't end with like Tucci

with a cake on his head. Totally. I mean it kind of would have been a better movie if it did but yeah like those rascally kids from Chuggelaghanes are going to fuck over Stanley Tucci. They This is also where there's a fucking terrible, like, he's trying to show this boss, like, how great he is at this job. And he comes in, like, swinging dick, like, ready to go. Because the guy, it's one of those, like, it's your job to lose kind of a thing.

And he goes, tell the parents from those kids from Long Island that they shouldn't have gone to Jamaica. Like, holds up this huge bag of weed. You're just like, man, I guess you did it again. Dude, you beautiful-minded another fucking group of travelers. I do love his boss. It's a real Joe Don't Baker. you know what sometimes those don't work but that time it really worked

that was that was perfect dude that was the square peg in the square hole that was excellent but the thing is I don't even care if they work anymore we know do see him like

kind of bathe a little bit in the sink which I mean like here's the thing later on the movie when he like gets a you go boss suit and all this shit he smells like shit because he's not

taking real showers. He's not washing his taint. Like that doesn't go away. You can fucking put as much soap in your underarms as you want. Your balls smell like shit. That is a great point. I'm saying no asshole washing here. At all. Not an adult at all. It's wild, dude.

Like before he gets to that jazz club at the end of the movie, he better check into that Ramada and fucking power wash that chocolate starfish. You know what? It might be like even more primitive than we realize. Like maybe he's just like scooping his hand into the toilet bowl. like splashing his ass, like trying to get a bidet action going.

Oh, that could be. This is a crocusian bidet. I mean, it wouldn't be that bad if, like, he knows, because he's in the fucking terminal for nine months, like, he'll know, like, when the bathroom is freshly cleaned. Right. I don't know. I feel like you put that fucking harsh pink airport soap on your taint. Something's not going right.

Yeah, that's, there's going to be a reaction there and not the kind you want. Dude, just use duty-free vodka. Oh, oh, I've been bathing in vodka for nine months. I'm perfectly pickled now. Oh, yes, I've been butt chugging. Oh, there it is. I chugged the butt. The other thing about the way he takes a bath in this sink is like, because again, like, he is, we're told a person with all of his faculties, right?

So, like, there's not an ounce of, like, embarrassment while he's doing this. like he is fucking shoving water into his armpit splashing it all over his chest and everything and people are like coming in and out of the bathroom and there's never a moment where he's like oh god this is humiliating he's a human Beethoven at this point you know what I think exactly I think it's like oh they're so fucking

poor that this is probably what they do yeah oh this is the best shower this guy's ever had yeah it's America at least and then in classic America by the way, fashion. Tucci is like, they spot him

the next morning because the guy is like, there's a man in the bathroom walking through the concourse and it's obviously Tom Hanks. And he's immediately, he can't totally smell a vision on the security camera. People are just falling down around him. Oh, there's rapping like flies out there.

But he is immediately suspicious of him because he didn't try to escape. Yes. And again, that's like, why didn't that guy break the law? So, Something funny about that. And again, like, okay, so he's not going to break the law. You know what?

Let me get this guy an immigration lawyer. You know, he'll just go into that system and it won't be my problem. But then he's like, no. Hey, Mr. Nivorski, guess what? At four o'clock today, there will be no one guarding that door. And it's like, okay. And he's like, you can just walk out. Walk to, is it go New York?

It's like, yes, you go New York. And he like kind of waits for him. and then at this point he does not do that. Right. This is where he's, yeah, he's trying to literally trick him because if he goes through those doors, Tucci can have him arrested and then this is the whole like, now he's somebody else's problem. But instead it's like this

five minute scene where we are playing grab ass with the security camera. Why is he acting like snively whiplash? Yeah. Like it just makes no sense. Like making him boring would make more sense, honestly. Well, if he's boring, then it's like you can fold

that into maybe he changes over the movie and it's a little more natural of a, well, now I'm going to let him go at the end of it kind of a thing. Yeah. Versus this where like, yeah, that change is like totally unwarranted. Like, because Tucci's character stays the exact same throughout the movie. He just gets darker actually. Yeah, it gets fucking worse. He like roughs him up at one point. And like, you know, in true fucking American bureaucratic fashion, like this guy does not lose that promotion. He's still totally employed for the, you know, airport agent. agency. Like, it's just a bit too much with this too. You could take solace in the fact that

he makes very little money apparently. Oh, right. Yeah. We've got a peek into his finances. Because eventually when, I mean, we already mentioned that Victor Nenorski ended up doing construction work for this company within the airport making $19 an hour, which is Stanley Tucci says is more than he makes. And then the cop there is like, well, that's New York construction for you, like whatever the line is. So we're introduced to Catherine Zeta Jones around here. She is a

flight attendant, international flight attendant. She's a real jet setter. Goes by the name of what in this movie? Amelia. Amelia, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man. It's a bad name for an airport.

Yeah, totally. You don't want to be around planes. Yeah, exactly. she's not great in this movie and I think no she has bad chemistry with Tom Hanks and it kind of spoils the movie quite a bit like it should you can almost imagine this being a fun romantic comedy if they could stand each other and it's pretty clear that they can't for every scene so far he's either been a baby or a cartoon moose so like when you're like hey he also kind of has the hots for like and he's stalking her like before he's just like having like little fantasies while he's shoving premium cracker covered in mustard into his mouth. It's disgusting and like it just makes no sense

when this becomes a bigger deal in the fucking middle of this movie. Yeah. So he just like sort of gets a glance at her. Oh, he stops her or her heel breaks. That's what it is. That's how they meet. Oh, ho. Birthday for Victor.

Oh, first I have heel of shoe and eventually maybe I have all of shoe too. Sniff. Hey, Gupta, if that goes in garbage, that become mine. That's my shoe garbage, Gupta. Stay away. Six quarters, you show me Tutsis? Six quarters for Tutsis. Okay, Amelia, how about this deal? This very great deal.

I give you six ketchup packet. You show me one foot. You show me one of those pretty little tootsies. Oh, yes. All the ketchup packets you want. Oh, this little ketchup packet with tobacco. Gupta, she dangle, she not know about. She dangles she not know about.

Yes, I hear a little worm. My little worm. Little worm. Look at my maggot. Cacotian expression, dick cheese. Yeah, that one's pretty universal there, Victor. Oh, we got that here too, Victor. You know what, we're all kind of the same.

Speaking of Dick cheese, by the way, we, we have like a there is a there's a separate scene that one of the few in this movie that doesn't include either Tom Hanks or Stanley Tucci and it's Gupta hanging out with Shy McBride as Mulroy and Diego Luna as Enrique and now Mulroy is like a dude who works in like the baggage area of the airport and Enriquei drives like food service around

to different things and Gupta's trying to like it's a totally dumb thing that goes nowhere that Gupta is convinced that Victor is CIA which will play into nothing later oh but this is also around when it's

he's figured out the quarters well but yeah there's I don't remember this I mean this is maybe something that happened in the early odds but like if you these car what are these carts even for I'm confused they're for like carrying your bags and got it

And people who will return them will get a quarter. Right. I guess from the baggage area to the street, you use these? Well, you would put the quarter in to get one. And then when you return it, you get your quarter back. So he's basically, like, finding all the ones that people just leave around, which is something I would definitely do because it's a quarter. Well, because also he doesn't, that way he doesn't starve to death.

So that's kind of good. They do this with shopping carts in Germany. Oh, really? Like, as an incentive to be a human being. and put something away or just bring your own bag to do everything. Ah, oh, gotcha, gotcha. He gets 75 cents and he goes to Burger King.

Oh, okay. Let's get into it. He gets 75% goes to Burger and gets like a single hamburger. It gets a penny back. Not even in 2004, dude. Like, eat my shit. That's what 75 cents will get you for Burger King. They'll say, eat my shit.

You know, they're just serving him a bun and spit, I think. I mean, it's, It's one of the most unbelievable parts of this movie. I was like $0.44 for a cheeseburger at Burger King in 2004 in an airport that's also in New York City. I do not think so. Maybe that's the only way they could do a promotion. Like they didn't have a terminal burger.

So they were like, hey, how about you, you know, pieces of shit, the little tiny hamburger, 74 cents. Yeah, I don't know if I would have the terminal burger at Burger King's. Yeah, let me get the murderer there. I'll have a heart stopper or it's like new from Burger King to tie in to the big summer release the new Stevens Spielberg movie The Terminal it's the Terminal Burger.

You can get it at any Burger King location and it's actually like you're eating at the airport which is to say it's cold, stale and they've fucked up what you want on it. You'll be shitting immediately. Yeah, not a big seller. right. No, no, I don't think so. This is when Stanley Tucci's like, he's figured

out the quarters and like he starts really getting money and he's like doing all this stuff. So he, uh, Stanley Tucci cuts off his only means to survive. What a scumbag. Overnight puts out the call for a new position, hires some, but like it's within 36 hours

that this fat guy takes over for parts. But also like you, you now like is oh, supervisor like, oh, so we have a new $34,000 a year job here. What is this? Oh, it's a guy that takes the carts.

People don't know. Well, we had this guy who I've been imprisoning. He was actually manipulating that system to stop him and to starve him to death on the airport grounds. I've hired this man for $34 grand

a year. I have entered myself into a blood grudge with this man, this innocent, and I will see it to the answer. it's also important to note that it's around here when he starts getting all these quarters and you know one you see he goes from that shitty

fake 74 cent terminal burger to a double whopper value meal so you can tell he's like moving on up kind of but then also he buys it's some sort of like tourist guide or something and it's like an English language

version of it and then whatever is Slavic fake language he speaks and so that's how he teaches himself better English is like cross-referencing the two books. He's reading like an ad about friends being set in New York or whatever and so you just see it's that's the only

it's like a two-second thing like oh this is how he's going to speak way better in the very next scene. Don't worry about it. It is so weird him just learning English at least have him go to Hudson News and get like a Russian to English thing like he can speak Russian former satellite state probably

or why not? The difference would be like a couple of letters in their alphabet, probably. Maybe he's planting himself for the TV watching it. That would be something. Yeah. Maybe, but like, also do you know who are in airports all the time? Journalists. And if you get one guy to talk to him, who

knows his language at all, you have a fucking story that will kill you. Good call, Chris Cabin. That is the Snowden maneuver. Okay, let me get, I'm learning English. Okay, write aid in airport. Can I have

Lufa Lufa for balls? move for my testicles. You have the butt spray. The butt spray. I need ass spray. Axe body spray. How much?

I am job. That comes later, actually. But you're right. I kind of imagine that's how this movie could have ended is like some journalist like finds him. And like that's actually a better move for Catherine Zeta Jones. if she's a journalist instead of this flight attendant she's just like a journalist and she

gets interested in this story and she breaks it she solves the case and the whole city rallies behind Victor yada yada yada yada that can still be nice but at least it makes some sense yes it would actually give her character something to do instead of being this like put upon flight attendant who sleeps with married men this is the characterization

and that's it we don't go beyond that no it's just kissing michael nory that's your whole fucking job for the first after the movie. Good work. Who is this guy, by the way, Kevin? He's the, he's in like every law and order iteration there is, but

he's also the hunky fucking boyfriend from FlashDance and he's Kyle McLaughlin's partner in The Hidden. You know, I've never gotten around to The Hidden. Is that worth any? Yes. Oh, I guess I've seen him in, I don't remember him

in, but I've seen him in the film, The Proposal. I feel like he might have been like a guy that Samantha the bangs in sex in the city, but I can't be completely sure about it. He's just like a handsome guy that pops up and stuff. And he's aging well. He's a silver fox in this movie. Uh, so

they're like making out on the tarmac after Victor's like, oh, you go payless shoes. It's good for you for feet. And she's like great. You have to take care of such precious feet. And then like she, she's a flight attendant.

She comes to the airport quite often. The next time she's calling him like, I just got here from Rome. It took me like three flights to get there for 40 hours and you're canceling on me to go to a barbecue. Well, again, like, sorry lady, he's married to someone else. Like, and it's, there's some insane, like, most of her dialogue in this movie is her like talking about how she thinks she's such a piece of shit and how she's like worthless in every way. And one of those is like, oh, and I'm, I know that he's married and I'm not even trying to break up his marriage. I'm trying to tell him to go back to her and get

counseling. And I'm like, what character is this? In home country, we would stone you with brick. That is what revolution is about. Prime Minister have a fair. We hang him in square. The funniest thing about that

barbecue fight is that she's like, you know, that wife here, she doesn't even like fireworks. Are you talking about firework love in between your fuck sessions? What's going on? oh god oh jesus christ my wife hates fireworks oh that's the best she ever had she was hides under the bed during her i mean i got to tell you also after i mean there was so we're recording this i should

say on july the 6th of 2020 uh we had absolute mania here in the city with fireworks on july 4th and the fact that she like said that line like oh your wife you know she even hates fireworks. I was like, yeah, that's a quality in the positive column for this wife. Because fireworks are terrible. Well, because she has to wear a thunder shirt every time. It's tough.

But so she's like sobbing and like, Dvorzky is like listening to her, like, she's not on an airport phone. He's next to it trying to do a fake phone call thing. God damn, this is bad. And she's like, you're a fucking creep. And he's like, no, no, I'm on the phone. And she pulls

off a sticker that says like the phone is out of order, sticks it to him. And she's like, by the way, you're masturbating. Could you put your dick away, please? Do you ever see multiple migs silence of lambs? That guy was actually mayor of Carcogia for several years. Look at the blood. Mayor multiple migs.

Brought about great health care for Carcogia. Oh, around here we learn that Diego Luna is a fucking creep by the way. Because every day Victor goes to the Immigration Bureau or whatever the hell customs again to try and get his like a day pass or his visa stamped. But every day Zoe Saldana, welcome to the movie, has to stamp it rejected. And she like keeps telling me to get the fuck out of her face, but she's really nice. But the whole thing is like, you know, Diego Luna is like, all right, dude, here's the deal. when you go into that office every day and get rejected, I need you

to start asking her shit about herself so I can learn more about her. And in return, if you tell me all of her little factoids, I'll give you like free food from the service card or whatever. That's, again, this is how you make a bargain with Garfield,

not a fucking human man with feelings. This is just so stupid too, like he's going to woo her with these tidbits. Also, I'm sorry, like food for information. That's prison. Like, replace that sandwich with a carton of cigarettes. That's definitely prison. Nothing is cute about it. Yes, and you're right, Eric. He's just, like, catfishing her from long distance. Yeah. It's like a reverse Serrano de Bergerac. Like, it's like the goofy person comes up

for the hot Diego Luna. Totally. Like, it doesn't make any sense. How could you trust anything Victor tells you? Like, oh, really? She likes to eat shit off of a plate. Like, like, in Victor's broken English. How is it going to translate? She loved movies by Dusen Mokiev. Oh my God. Her favorite film is sweet movie.

You watch the sweet movie. You'll see. It's very sexy also. Someone take definite dump in film. Well, he finds out hilariously that she's a Treki and who had a boyfriend but he cheated on her. This is the IMDB

writer about to write that trivia. Oh, Jesus! Do you know that she's like the move in this movie but then later on she's in the Doge mom! Stop everything! That's good trivia. Also, could you imagine

a girl like he's Sto-Trick? Oh my God. 15 upvotes. Yeah, that was interesting. Yeah, you know, I found that interesting. Oh, yeah. say interesting. Thumbs up for that. Oh, you know, you connected the

easiest part of the movie to the easiest part of her career. Pretty interesting. Oh, you're right. There is an episode title in this movie. Good work. A thumbs up. A thumbs up for you. One of my favorite interactions between Tom Hanks

and Stanley Tucci in this movie is right here when Tucci's like, all right, Victor, I have a way out for you. And it's asylum. All you have to do Mr. Thompson is say that you're afraid to go back to your country. Now, just, what are you afraid of? And he's like, uh, and they just have this like back and forth or whatever.

And then the conversation ends with him like, no, you have to tell me what you're scared of. You know what? Never mind. And he's like, well, I afraid of ghosts. Draculia, the wolfman. He's like listing monsters that he's afraid of. Those are actual animals back in Crocrow show. I do love that he pronounces it, Draculia.

by the way. I live with Wolfman in the Terminal 67. The idea of asylum came up months into this. Exactly. And like he invented the idea. And also the thing is like Tom Hanks later in the movie when he, especially

he's dealing with the Russian guy, is shown to be this savvy operator. Like, but here he's like, just say the word and you get asylum and then you can like, you know, do whatever you need to do in America. And he's like, oh no, I'm no afraid of Krakosia, Karkozya, friend. I like puppy dog ice cream.

Yay. It can't be both. He can't like he should be able to figure his way is reasoned his way out of this situation as opposed to not. Do we watch Blue's Clothes next? Yeah. He's like he's a 40 plus year old man and he's got zero opinion on the fucking political strife within his own nation. Yes, exactly. Oh, fighting bad.

Oh. But Carcogosia good. people fighting in Carcosia also from Carcosha? My head are time for ketchup packet. They shoot my grandfather in head again. Oh, oh, well, that's Crocrosha. Love it or leave it. Well, as Crocrogy and Orthodox Jew, my people are very persecuted.

What's that, Victor? Oh, nothing. I say nothing. No, Sabaro. Let's have more sabbado. So he's got this. deal with Diego Luna, he becomes friends with him, that kind of gets him in with Shy McBride as

well, they go to this poker game. Oh, dude, what are we doing here in this scene? It is really something. We have such highlights as it's midnight and we're all just still at work playing cards. Again, at an airport, I don't think so. Like,

they've been there all day. I don't think the airport, especially again, in 2004, is a place where you can just fucking hang after work. It's out of Barnes & Noble's where you could like just get drunk afterwards. Yeah. I'm not seeing any like military officers anywhere. Yeah,

we're all the dudes with the machine guns. This is America. It's just Barry Shabaka Henley and a couple of other people. And that's it. Good call referencing Barry Shabaka Henley, by the way. I fucking love that dude. And he's like the number two to Stanley Tucci basically. Yeah.

He's credited as Thurman. I mean, I don't know if we ever actually see his name in the movie anywhere, but like fucking love that dude, man. He's in collateral among other. most recently I saw him in Dolomite is my name for a hot second he's in that movie he's actually doing a really good job this week because he's very like sympathetic

towards Victor but also like it's his job so he like he does hold the line for Tucci as well yeah but I love so the scene is like Victor gets invited to this poker game by Diego Luna and Gupta previously is like he's a spy we're afraid of him he's a spy

and he's like well the only way to find out he's not a spy and it's a silly seen where he goes through a baggage inspection x-ray. Dude, I have cancer now. Excellent. Totally. He should be coming out the other side of it, holding his little planters peanuts can while his teeth

fall out of his mouth. That's fucking so insane. Everything hurt. All over body now. And they're playing poker for un, what do you call it there? Unclaimed. Yeah.

The Lost and Found that no one picked up. Yes. And there's a Marlon's Swordfish kind of a thing. That's fun. And we end at the end of the night. All right, gentlemen, here comes the prize piece for tonight. And Diego Luna pulls out ladies underwear and he's like, it's shared as panties. And everyone's like, oh, fuck.

Shy McBride, by the way. There's some darkness behind this character. Absolutely. because he's like ready to fucking like just bolt with them right then and there. But I want to know what else is like this dude would have had a great DVD supplemental

like spin off 45 minute film where like because there's that shit but then also later when they break into I guess you're supposed to believe is the airline records office that Catherine Zeta Jones character works for whatever and they pull out her file and he's got some

line about like oh yeah Victor you got to be careful when you're messing with these flight attendants, I think it's something with the time zones, it fucks up their biological clock, they're horny all the time. And I'm like, what is that story? Like, where did you base that information on?

Well, that's just because he has like a flight attendant fetish. I want to see it. That put that in as supplemental material in the movie. This whole panty thing is insane because Victor's like, how about we share panty? We each sniff and pass along. Okay, Monday, Wednesday,

panties are with me. Tuesday, Thursday, they go to Gupta, every other Friday, Shy McBride take for a weekend. Diego Luna, you get every third Thursday. And also rule number one of Panty Club, no come on panties. Rule number two of Panty Club, no come on panties. And the thing about it is, it's crucial because then what would happen is they'd have to wash them. And once you wash them, now it's just a pair of panties. You know what I mean?

I think it ends up being more of a treasure of the Sierra Madre situation because Shy McBride after Victor says like oh we all share he's like I'm not sharing those I get those. I'm like yeah yeah he's going to bury them out in the middle of the desert and go and see them every once

in a while and smell them and jerk off into them. Yeah. Every five years I go out in the desert dig up that shoe box give myself just one whiff I keep it to one and then I put it back in the box and bury it and leave for another fucking year. He's telling his wife, he's

going to visit his brother. Oh yeah, we're going fishing. Yeah, in the desert. This is two nights in the cabin with the share panties. Do you believe in love and love? Oh, yeah, I do.

I can turn back time. I'd have another day with you, panties. Oh, man. So, whatever. By the way, Shai McBride is fourth build in this movie. Fourth build. Oh, interesting. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's,

Hank's Zeta Jones, Tucci, and then Shai McBride who has like seven lines. I guess it makes sense, though, as far as the star power. Yeah, that's true. Luna wasn't that big yet. No, yeah, exactly. So, oh, so now is, it's the so the big day comes where Tucci's getting like, evaluated by people. So he's

walking around the airport. This is where he fucking sees this dude with like a bag of walnuts and he's like, yep, drug dealer. Watch this, everybody. Because it's like, oh, what are those walnuts for us? Oh, for my mother-in-law. Oh, yeah? Let me just kind of have one and he cracks it up with his drugs in there. And he's

like, yeah. Guy had no wedding ring. And he's not buying him for his mother-in-law. Just cut to Martin, cut to Martin Freeman nodding a lot. I mean, yeah, because it's that dumbass like, Oh, they said they were for his mother-in-law, but he's not wearing a ring. And who's doing something for their ex-mother-in-law? And I'm like, man, I did not anticipate mother-in-law jokes being squeezed into this movie.

Well, that's how he cracks the case every time is an old tired dad joke. Yeah, I mean, it fits the whole CAPRA narrative, right? Yeah. Yeah. So this is the big, like, oh, man, there's a dude from Russia freaking out right now. we stopped him with a bunch of medication but we can't talk to him and there's a big scene

and you know this is where like it's Tucci's time to shine right here like this is his promotion to lose so he knows like oh I'll go get Victor who I have in other custody right now because I'm trying to get him sent to a federal prison that's like a crazy

phone call that he has for two seconds and I firmly believe that the guy on the other end tells him to go fuck himself and hangs up the phone well because he found out he makes 19, the sea where he finds like he made $19 an hour, so he puts him at prison for joining the union. You should quickly mention that, like,

I guess this was Victor's job back in Carcosha, because he could build walls and shit so well. Yeah, he says he's a contractor. He also tries to get a job at the Discovery Channel store. That's a lot of fun. There's a whole montage where he's going through an airport, taking help wanted signs

out of the window. Like, that doesn't happen at airports. What the fuck have you ever seen a help wanted sign in an airport. You know what? I'm born in a flight to Sacramento in five minutes, but you know, maybe I do want to work at the fucking jamba juice at JFK.

Give it all up, abandon your life and work at the Baskin Robbins on floor too. I mean, like this is a thing, you know, like yeah, there's all like chain stores and shit in airports, but like I don't think it works this way. Like it has to be either like an agency

or it's like if you get transferred from another foot locker and you're going the airport footlocker because there's like background checks that are involved obviously because it's an airport and he winds up and he keeps failing because they're like where do you live he's like I live in airport is easy and they're like oh you also you smell but with the discovery channel store the guy's like well you have like a phone number or anything he runs out to the pay phone and he's like okay pay phone number this I sit there I don't go pee pee poo all day and I wait for you to call this is five minutes you could have cut from this

movie and like put me down to a lean fucking 100 minutes if anything this just this movie like written and constructed by out of touch rich people it's like no you're not just bringing a help wanted sign in from a window and asking for a job at a duty that's what this movie shows you how it works okay you could pull yourself up by your bootstraps and hardworking immigrant lands in a fucking airport and he can just make build the airport for $19 now yes and yeah he's being held against his will but you know hustle a little bit. If you're in iced detention, just hustle a little bit. Start a little lemonade stand. I don't know. Hustle. So you're like a thirsty. So your quarter job went

away? So what? Find another one. So he got kicked out of a construction union all of a sudden go work for fucking Discovery Channel zone. No, he's got ketchup packets. He's fine. Okay. He likes them. He likes to eat ketchup. Okay. Tucker? My favorite food is ketchup picket. I know it'd be rude as hell but like if I saw some guy just eating a tower of premium

crackers stuffed with all kinds of condiments, I would not be able to look away. I would be hypnotized by this. Chris, you miss your flight. No, you don't understand. The helmonds and the mustard. Well, there's

only three of us at the show tonight because Chris missed his playing. staring at a man eating mayonnaise off a cracker. I'm Skyping it and showing the picture of the guy with the crackers. He's still doing it. Oh, so anyway,

Tucci goes, this is a hilarious scene. Tucci goes to get Victor out of federal holding or whatever, and he's just like, he goes into the room screaming his name, and it's like, oh, I'm right here, taking his shit in this movie. Kind of a funny gag. This is when

and the guy, this guy, And it's, the movie gets dark. The guy's like holding something against his own neck. He's ready to kill himself. I believe it looks quite a bit like a box cutter, does it not? Yeah, it's something. And, like, you know, all these people are like trying to, like, calm him down. Victor comes up.

He talks to him in Russian and... What a shock, by the way. It's a bunch of cops making this dude freak the fuck out. Yep. And the only problem such as it is, really, is that they can't communicate with him. Like, wow, weird. They're about to fucking murder. this guy. And this

is when he finds out it's medicine for his dad and blah, blah, blah. And, uh, but he realizes Victor does that they won't let him keep the medicine for his father. But if it's for a goat, it's, uh, it'll all work out. So this is, what I love about this fucking scene is it's like he

bought this, this Russian dude bought the drugs in Canada where I'm pretty sure they speak English. Look at the fucking pill bottle. Yeah, that's true. It could be in French, possibly. But, Oh, maybe, I guess so. But unlikely, but you're right. You're right.

Just like, if you look at the pill bottle, you could tell him it's for a human or animal. But you don't need the crocotion to tell you this. And he's like, oh, no, he's medicine for goat. And Stanley's just like, you have been studying the manual, haven't you? You know that if it's for a goat, he gets to keep the medicine. But if it's not, it's not. And then the guy just goes, goat. And, like, in this, like, overly emotional scene and is released.

and he gets to keep his beloved medicine. And fucking Tucci takes a Nerves-Norveski by the fucking neck like he's about to do a suplex on him. Yeah, he puts his hands on him right here. It's insane. But this also is how

the hand Xerox is made. That becomes the calling card of the hero, Victor. Which, like, they don't even do anything with it, dude. You see it at, like, the ass end of the movie. It starts, like, being papered everywhere. as like a symbol of Victor

and then you realize by the end of the movie like everybody in the airport is aware of this person now and understands the story and at this point honestly if the entire airport staff all the food service people fucking security guards the cops whatever

all know the plight of this guy to highlight something you said again Chris like they will find someone will know a reporter someone is going to tell this story and that's how Stanley Tucci gets screwed over and that's the end of movie. But no.

No, it's Robin Hood and JFK. And he's like, becomes a legend a bit here. And this is when Catherine, this is like what we firmly shift gears to the romance subplot with Catherine Zeta Jones is coming back and forth. Like, oh, I need to wear a you go. And she's like

a total maniac because she meets him with like borders or whatever. All right. A lot of borders books in this movie. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. They kind of hit it off. And she's like, you know, I just, uh, I broke up with this boyfriend. I hate him. Hey, do you want to get dinner and you smell like shit and he's like oh oh

she's like yeah we'll go into the city we'll get cat alone he's like oh no can go out with you and she's like oh my god I'm gonna kill myself he's like what nothing you know the funny thing by the way I was really surprised that this movie because in the in the scene you're talking about right here

this movie skirts making a bad gay joke because she's like she says that and he's like no I can't go out with you and she's like oh are you married and he's like, no. And she's like, oh, do you have a girlfriend? And he's like, no.

The third fucking beat of that situation normally. And I guess this was more if we were back in the 90s, we'd be like, oh, no, of course you're gay. I do this all the time. And like, it didn't hit that beat. And I was like, oh, I wonder if that was just deleted. Because it feels like they were just working their way up to a very, quote, unquote, comedically big moment where Catherine Zeta Jones

He's like, oh, you're gay, boy. What is her deal that she needs to get stooped every five seconds? Well, as Sean McBride explains, dude, it's something about the time zones. Fair enough. Yeah, I don't know. But this is, you know, he knows, like, so like the dinner thing happens and he's like, no, I can't do it. And then she's like, fine and leaves. He then asks like some other girl that's just working at the airport who he calls by

the first name as if we're supposed to know this woman but we do not and he's like oh hey Agatha or whoever the fuck how much does like Catalone costs or something like that and she's like well for a meal in the city I don't know like 20 bucks a person

and he's like $40 for Canalone okay going to remember going to remember yeah they break into the office they find out that the and I don't know why this would be in this file in a drawer instead of like in a computer system in 2004, but they're like, oh, the next time she's coming through the airport is three weeks

from now. So he's like, oh, I have three weeks to wash my balls. But this is the whole, like, he's going to Hugo Boss and everything. And he's rehearsing the lines like, want to get to bite to eat, bite to eat, bite to eat, like say, you know, saying it over and over and everything. And then like in the middle of all of this is when that dude Gupta's like, hey man, I came to America 26 years ago. And I can't go back because I tried to murder it. Well, anyway, I don't care how much contracted work he's doing. He cannot buy a Hugo bought suit in the airport. That thing's

like a million dollars. Well, he says something about like he got a hundred some odd. He got it for like $150 and I was like, you did not. No, absolutely not. That did not happen. This is the lady of the tramp scene. Again, because they're treating all these people like cartoon animals. It's like, this is nuts. Victor will be at the airport when she's at the airport and, like, Shy McBride, Diego Luna, and Gupta, like,

trick her into meeting him at a terminal somewhere. Like, she... They, like, set the, fucking terminal up as if it's the game mouse trap. Because it's like, oh, there's an obstacle here. Gotta go this way. Oh, tapes here. Can't do that. And they, like, they push her around and, like, almost, like, hit her with the card at one point.

All of this crazy stuff just so she can fall directly into his lap, which is ridiculous. Yes. that's like how this whole mousetrap game ends if you're doing this just give me that stupid fucking they get together ending like why are we doing this

if that's not present well this does seem like something you would do for your brothers in panties club that's rule number three man you always got to help a brother out absolutely

if it is an aid of getting more panties right yeah yeah do you think that the panties club guys worship the Farmer Ted character

from 16 Candles because that's all Anthony Michael Hall's trying to do in that movie. That sounds about right. Because they've got a big poster of him at their The most famous panty stealer of them all, Farmer Ted.

So yeah, this is, they have their dumb lady in the tramp dinner. She's like, oh, I didn't know. What is the line? She doesn't say El Fresco, but she says something about like,

oh, I didn't know they had like a dining balcony out here or something like that. and I was like, because this is like a part of the airport where you're not supposed to be again. This is a haunted mansion and like Diego Luna. I'm sorry

but him on that side of the airport, it's like the fucking Ninja Turtles layer. Yes, you're totally right. It is exactly because he does make it up a little bit. There's like lights and there's a little platform. It is yeah, Splinter is going to be there. He builds a fountain. He builds like, he's like, some

late night plumbing he does. That's nuts. What do you build a and shower, dude. Step one. Build something to clean those balls. I build fountain for you. It don't work. It don't work.

I try to stuff pizza into turtle mouth. It die. It die immediately. The rat that is training me, it tells me to do, and it don't work. He's going up to, like, his buddies, like he goes up Diego Luna. He's like, look, here is my new friend,

the Raphael, Leonardo, Donato. and Michelangelo. It's like fucking four dead turtles. I find it toilet. And here is Mr. Panty. The little dummy, I put the panty on head. I kissed the panty. Oh, God.

We haven't mentioned the craziest thing about this Amelia character is that peppered throughout the movie, including in this scene, but also very much elsewhere, she's talking about how obsessed with Napoleon she is. Pretty fucking crazy, dude. Yeah. It's just a fucking crazy person, pain. I mean, if you like all sorts of military history and you have like a little affinity for Napoleon, I'm not going to begrudge you.

But if that's all you're reading about, it's a bit nuts. I think the thing is that she's just really obsessed with the Abbasong Waterloo. Okay. I wanted to know the whole backstory because it does name check Napoleon. Waterloo, staying at the airport like you want me to. Yeah, it's just, it's so, it's crazy to you because she's like, the first time it comes up is she's buying a huge, like biography of Napoleon at Borders. And he's like, oh, yeah, it's Napoleon. I know him, very small man. And she's like, oh, yeah, here's my favorite 15 facts about Napoleon Bonaparte. Get ready.

And she starts just talking about him. And I'm like, what do you need this biography for? Why don't you buy a Stephen King book? You're at an airport. If we're trying to lay the ground, like, oh, though, she's smarter than you think or something. Like, can she be trying to do something? Like, oh, she's going to be coming, she's going to go back to school. Like, give her some, give her character. You're totally right. And in fact,

in this dinner scene, she confirms that that's definitely not going to happen, because this is where she's like, yeah, you know, I'm 39. I tell everybody, I'm 33, except the guys who I date, I tell them 27, and I'm like, okay. And then she's like, and, you know, I started working

as a flight attendant when I'm 18 and I thought I'd go on to greater things but it's been too long and this is it this is what I am now I'm just a flight attendant you're like great character I mean there's nothing wrong with that no but it's a movie can I go on a journey

the movie though sort of puts it in the light of it is a bad thing because she's like and now I'm just going to be a flight attendant forever so I guess I must be dead I don't know it's just I almost doesn't take what you said yeah she might as be dead yeah exactly but it's it's very true though like if she like had some other ideas or whatever

or even loved being a flight attendant that'd be cool it's like you know what i'm only i'm in a different city every night it's wonderful all this stuff i'm not tied down and maybe that's something she needs to go over but like it's also this thing where she's like this bizarre sex slave for this dude because like every time he beeps her she's got to fucking come running yeah i don't and there's like triumphant scene they throw their beepers away because tom hanks has a beeper of his own that Stanley Tucci she gets in touch with him with and then they're like on three we throw beeper I mean what are they doing giving him a beeper

you know he doesn't know how to use it or what that is he doesn't because when the beeper goes off the only time in the movie he's like screaming into it which is dumb again because I'm sorry a fucking technology from the 1980s like of course this guy from the Soviet block would know what that is yeah also didn't the fucking beeper student like Pataki make that illegal

what do you mean like I it's 2004 and you still have this fucking beeper? Like in your goddamn desk? The New York state government made beepers illegal? When did that happen? I was a joke. I was a joke. No. Well, you didn't

position it as such. I thought you were being serious asking. No, no. Pataki, he made him legal. They're fine. You can have a beeper. You can all have beepers if you so wish. Thank goodness. Legalize it, dude. Can you though? Are we still making beepers? I mean, maybe doctors still have beepers probably. I think

I think that's the thing, right? If you're going to, I almost said the beeper store, if you're going to wherever the fuck you can still get beepers, like... I guess being beeped in this day and age is like an important text. Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's like, you should be able to present, like, you should have to present your like medical license. You're like, yeah, I'm definitely a doctor. This is what I need a beeper for. Drug dealers have all moved on to the burner phone. Yeah, exactly. The superior of the two items. But also a hospital fund.

is down, you know. So maybe they just have like those things you get at restaurants when you're waiting for your reservation. Yeah. Just get those cheap from cheesecake when they bust and then, you know. Yeah, you're totally right, dude. Actually, it'd be great if you had one of those in this movie and it just starts vibrating and he starts screaming like a maniac.

Two final things to come out of this dinner scene is one, he clearly explains to her what his situation is. And she is so dense that it's like just right over the head still thinking that this guy is just like a jet-setting businessman or something when in fact part of their dinner conversation is her going or him going

i live in the airport i literally live in airport okay i will draw you a picture of my haunted mansion where i live with ninja turtles by that i mean dead turtles oh he must be a rich businessman i make mural with pentagram on it And the other hilarious thing is at the very end of this scene, man, they throw those beepers, I guess just out onto the fucking tarmac. But did you catch this, though? When they do it, it's like, yeah, we threw the beepers. And there is a terribly lame high five right here. Ooh, that sucks.

It doesn't even quite hit right. What's that? Oh, the high five doesn't even quite hit right. No, they fuck it up, too. Well, because it's clear that the chemistry is awful in this movie, and it's a big problem. But if you have Homeland Security finds beepers on the tarmac, all flights are canceled tomorrow. Absolutely, dude. What were these things detonating, you know?

Doesn't matter for me. No, I have more new friends. Look at you friends. You have to stay a night. Look at Victor's new family. Welcome Victor World. You go nowhere. Come to my smelly hotel at Gate 67.

Yeah. So he got to close. We had to wall up gate 69 for obvious reasons. Everyone just kept 69ing. Those were the aforementioned obvious reasons. You may have thought it was a technical malfunction or something. No, no, no. People were literally 69.

Random strangers that happened upon each other just started 69. Never seen anything like it, Jim. All these delayed people coming in to. 69 in this one terminal next to the smelly shit guy think about it Scully everyone's 69ing against their will what if we visited it and found

out the mystery but Mulder an ocean of sucking and fucking doesn't make sense why Mulder why would we have to leave for the haunted airport when we can 69 right here in your apartment I like this yep

Scully have you ever heard of an airport cult called the Sucks It's at the same airport where they also have the Panty Club cult. They build strange shrines of these weird fountains and then they suck in front of it. Hey, so, speaking of sucking and fucking, the weirdest and most useless scene in this movie that, by the way, clocks in at 128 minutes. That's two hours and eight minutes. The scene where Diego Luna is like, all right, Victor. one last time you have to go up to the counter

and do something for me and I'm not even kidding you he proposes marriage through this imbecile which is the part she accepts I don't get this part because like have they been on a date yet or no no

this is insane the first time he sees or she sees him because he's seeing her a lot the first time she sees him is when he's like he's taking a sip of the Sabaro soda and sitting there and she comes up and he turns around and she does live long and

prosper and then turns her hand around and she's put the ring on are you kidding me how about you fuck around a little bit and find out like you know what I mean that's what that's that saying is for is for people to not get married through bizarre immigrants that don't

that are introducing them and does he like Star Trek or is you just using that to get with her he he does like Star Trek because there's a part where he's like hearing back the responses, like Tom Hanks is reading back some of our responses to his questions or whatever, and it comes to light that she is a Trekkie. And they meant, I don't remember which episode they mentioned TOS episodes. Doomsday Machine. Yes, thank you. And he fucking loses it. He's like,

oh, yes, she's a Trekkie. I can't believe it. Blah, blah, blah. So it is set up or whatever, but, and he is excited about that. But like, yeah, I mean, you never see him actually. He should give the Live Long and Prosper back, which does not happen. It's a little known fact. I believe it's somewhere in the Constitution that if you ask somebody a hundred questions, you can marry them. Like, well, I know everything about you now. I've played 100 questions and now you are obligated to marry me. Yeah, they upheld that this summer.

Yeah. Smash cut to a wedding at the fucking airport. Dude, complete with just married and Cairns dragging behind a fucking little golf cart. Come on. And this is like elitist horse shit, which does it, which is like, oh, all these working class people with these jobs just love them and just sit around and talk about their jobs only. And they get married there. They fuck there. They play fucking panty poker.

They're like, no, these people go home to their friends that they actually hang out with. You know what I mean? That's the thing. There's never like a, there's never a scene. And this would make it interesting, right? It would make Victor, like, feel a little, like, envy towards these guys when it's like, there could be a. scene where Diego Luna's like clocking out for the day. And Victor's like, where are you going? And he's like, oh, well, I'm going home. Yeah. And these, you know, and then it's like, oh,

this guy gets to leave, but I'm stuck here. You know, anything to set up any of the growing madness that would happen in this guy's mind. Hey, did you get to Super Bowl last night? No, I live in airport. I watch CNN 24 hours a day. Same Anderson Cooper. Awesome. I do want a very dark scene where like Shy McBride kicks Diego Luna out of the panties club because he won't bring Zoe Salada's panties to them to them. Sure.

Hey, you're definitely going to share your wife's panties, right? We made a deal. Right? When we founded the organization. We are the founding fathers of the JFK Panty Club. I mean, we all cut our palms, right? Or was I the only one? Oh,

crap. Okay. Well, I cut my palm and I meant it. Look, you can do whatever you want when you're married. Right now, you're still single as of tomorrow, so you've got to steal her panties. And Victor, don't think I have forgot about Catherine Zeta Jones. I have not forgotten about her either. Wedding night, the panty, Ray, here we go. Yeah, Gupta, that older lady you're talking to, I want those two.

Gupta, those old lady knickers better be on my desk by end of day tomorrow. I'll put him somewhere safe. Oh no, someone come on panty Rule number one and two of Panty Club Gentlemen, we are dissolving the Panty Club At the end of the movie, or actually at the wedding Everyone is throwing panties at Zoe Saldana And Diego Luna and he just turns out

He goes, well, you've met me at a very strange time in my life and then where's my mind starts playing? Perfect. That's right. Two terminals explode and fall. The anti-Ans and the fucking Baja fresh go up in flames. Oh, man. So at some point around here,

Tucci has Catherine Zeta Jones taken into custody to question her. And this comes to nothing only to sort of dissolve the love subplot. It's your classic, was I just a bet? But yeah, again, like I just said, very clearly, she's explained to her what his situation

is. She's like, so you actually live at the airport? He's like, yes, I say very clear. Well, then she's also, like, she has a line, well, she has a great line to Tucci because he's like, why Victor Nivorski? And she goes, that's something a guy like you could

never understand. Or yeah, she says, why a guy like Victor Nivorski? And she says, that's something a guy like you could never understand, which is like a, I love this guy line, kind of, but like, again, we'll come to nothing. She tells him off, for you know lying to her or whatever and then like

she has some line did you escape from an institution and it's like again why would she say that line Stanley Tucci clearly told her everything like you know that that's not what happened and this is when he the whole movie he's been carrying around this fucking can of planters nuts

and you don't know what it is and he like kisses it and he prays with it I'm not kidding he does pray with it I worship Mr. Pina My eternal God is the bespeckled Mr. Peanut. Yes, he died this past Rio, but he come again. Resurrection Mr. Peanut, your little baby now. Yeah, at the end, he starts talking like Tom Hay.

He actually is Tom Hanks and takes out a cane and a top hat. But you don't know what it is, and it's like, oh, what is it? He's like, this was my father. And she's like, oh, Victor, don't tell me your father's ashes are in that urn. And I'm like, that would make so much more sense. If we were just like, father's last wish is be thrown off Brooklyn Bridge for some reason. See, that would make sense if it was just a scatter job. Classic scatter job, dude, you're right.

At least as emotional residence, but it's like, no, my father, growing up Crocosia, love jazz. And he collect all of these, he write all of these great jazz musicians in this photo for their autograph. And he finally found out that he got all of them. except for one. I have here to get last autograph. That's right. He was the only croixen to like jazz music. He first heard it off American

GI-I radio during Big one. I have to say that photograph is real. It's called A Great Day in Harlem. And it actually it's accurate what he's talking about right there. It was a photo that like

they just got like everybody in jazz. Like I think there's in the 60s. Like, that's pretty cool. They just got everybody and they were like, come to Harlem, we're going to get everybody like on a stoop and like take this huge fucking picture. And so it's totally real. And the thing

that he's saying here is the dad, I guess, was trying to get the autograph of everybody in the photo. So he'd send something and try to get something back. And the only person that he didn't was a saxophone. It's named Benny Golston. He's a

real guy. And is actually the dude he's playing himself at the end of the movie and i mean it hits like nothing because like yeah i mean there's nothing more useless than an autograph i'm sorry like nothing is like and yeah it's cool to have etc but like you are enslaving yourself at a fucking airport for what you have to think like a baby though yeah a baby wanted to want to do there you go see if like it wants the autograph of like the the one that makes her dad happy like yeah, I get it, but it's a baby thing. I mean, you know,

it's fine and it's not, I don't know, I would have preferred a scatter job because then it's always like, you know, then it's a, it's a bigger thing than a fucking lame autograph. It matters. It's like, you know. The problem with it is it's just so out of left field. Like we've

had nothing about jazz until now. Well, see, that's this, oh man. Yeah, there is the one thing where they're like, when he's playing poker and they're like, what's in the, the planners can't, what's in a can? And he goes, jazz. And then Shy McBride laughs at him like, okay, yeah, jazz is in your peanut can, whatever. And then so when it's revealed later, you're like, it would make more sense actually if like the dad was still alive, but like couldn't

write anymore. Yes. And he was going to go and come back to his country with the last signature. Yeah. If dad's dead, who gives it shit? You're totally right. If the dad was alive, that's totally different. And the way you change it is so he's dead. Fine. Those are definitely. Ash is in there. And the move is my dad always wanted to emigrate to the United States. He could never do it. I always told them we'd get here someday. He died and there's like actual weight

to this. Right. Or maybe the dad goes to the United States to try to get this guy's autograph and dies. Now Victor Novoiski has to go there to ID the body and then get the last autograph. He died in Times Square Hort House. It's called a

last record spinning. of last flag flying and he's got to go ID the body. By the way, what I wanted that peanut can is a bunch of snakes. I love a prank. It took me nine months, but I really got you. Now I go home. Barber killed by angry lump named Belial. His basket case.

He did not know he was in chicken house. They really uncomfortably make out right here. Yes. Unciful for everybody. And it's, you know, in front of this like fountain that he has built her. And by the way, missed opportunity here, you know, to work some Spielbergian magic, right? It's like I was totally expecting when they kissed right there because like the camera starts pulling back and back. You expect like, oh, whoops, then magically like due to the power of love, like something starts shaking in the pipes.

and then like the fountain is working and it starts flowing like while they're kissing and it's like this big cinematic moment. It doesn't happen. No. She winds up the next thing Crocozia actually is no longer under whatever rule it was

in. It goes back to whomever. It's back to being Crococia again. So everything's kind of great. There's a big scene at this bar where everyone in the airport is like celebrating his whole thing. By the way it's at an airport. So this is a grill and restaurant.

Of course it is. And she shows up amongst all this fanfare. He's like, oh yeah, it's a good of flood, you hear. And she's like, listen, you know, I got you this. It's really important. It's a day past to go to New York. Go get your fucking autograph

and get the fuck out of my country. All right. The dude that she's sleeping with has pull at the State Department or some weird shit. Yeah, the married guy or whatever, like works in the government. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Dating Donald Rums. She fucking Rummy, dude, or what?

Well, that could be true that she is fucking more, or the other thing could be true, if you understand. Yeah, she felt by Rummy. It's the unknown known of what's in my pants. All right. So I see here, you've got a, you're looking for a day pass in New York. What if we came to do a different understanding?

What have you got Dick Cheney's autograph? Do you do anything for anybody? Dick Chaney, does he play James? the souls of the tortured I do. I would just love if Catherine Day Jones comes up to Tom Exit, but he's like, look, Tom, no, the audience didn't like it. And Ben Kingsley is like calling my phone

all the time and screaming at me. I have to go. I have to go. Listen, it didn't work out. Ben Kingsley is fucking furious. He's at a hotel in Tel Aviv and he doesn't know what he's doing there. Is part of the whole like testing of that not working out, like xenophobic? oh probably

I guess so I mean I can't believe she got there with that fucking Eastern European guy I could see that but I just feel like why don't you get with an American but it's also just the fact that he's a baby like it's as weird and uncomfortable as Tom Hanks getting laid in big right yeah well it's not as as uncomfortable it's in the league for me it's pretty uncomfortable watching this guy like be romantic in general yeah well because he's not a romantic person. But big, he's a kid. And he's being romantic. He gets sexually assaulted by an older woman. That's why I'm saying it's weird. Elizabeth Perkins herself. Yeah, that's right.

So he kind of puts it together. He's like, oh, your friend got this for me. What did you have to do to get this? Like, you're seeing this guy again or whatever? And she's just like, look, as I've been telling you this whole movie, I'm a real piece of shit. You don't want anything to do with me. I'm one of the worst people humanity has ever created. And this is not Andrew saying this. This is the characters. No, I know. I know. I love Napoleon Hitler. Yeah. Um, Omar Gaddafi. Me, Amelia, the flight attendant. We're all in the same boat, you know. Osama bin Laden, if we ever catch that guy. I relate a lot to him.

Uh, and there's a fucking scuzzy thing. Oh, Morgan Spurlock on that case. Oh, man. That movie. What a fucking sack of shit. Yeah. also Morgan Spurlock was also that McDonald's Eaton motherfucker Oh so she's like She's like listen you know You really don't want anything to do with me

You know just go get your autograph Blah blah blah And he watches her like walk to the escalator And there's that dude And it's a crazy They get on the escalator and he goes Hey baby And pats her on the head like a little kid

Yeah it's creepy dude Oh man She's gonna have a whole horrible rest of her life. And she bring, he brings, the next day he brings the day passes, always told Donna. And she's like, oh, you know, I'd love to sign this for you,

Victor. Hey, what with you getting me married and all? But I still need a supervisor signature, which is Stanley Tucci. Oh, yeah. And this is the, by the way, has already, um, promised Victor, like, even though he got his promotion, since he dared fuck with him, he's like, as long as I'm here,

Victor, you're going to be here. I don't give a shit. You're going to get buried in this airport. I'm a person. It's like, what? Yeah, it's so dumb. And then, you know, he's like, sign the form like, I want to go to New York City. And he's like, no, get on this plane. Get out of here. He's like, no, I want to go to New York. And then he's like, all right, yeah, you want to go to New York? Well, how about your little fucking friends? Here's Shy McBride. He sniffs panties and steals things. He, like, accuses him of like stealing weed or something. Yeah, alcohol and marijuana. Yes, yeah, that's what it is.

All the duty-free weed. And that he's like, oh, yeah. Oh, and what's your little buddy Diego Luna there? Oh, here he is bringing unauthorized personnel in a food service area. That's a security risk. I heard he's recently married. You're missing the one part at the end where he says, all your friends are fired. You and your friends are fired.

And with that he's like, oh, and your good friend Gupta, yeah, he actually is wanted an Indian for murdering a police officer. In 1979. Yeah. And also, do you have that information? Like, I guess, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what that was.

Either you don't have that information that guy's there or you do have that information. That guy's definitely not there. Like, you know nothing really about Gupta. I mean, I think he does mention to Tom Hanks, like, where in India is from. But, like, obviously he's not putting that on whatever resume he's got to be the fucking

cleaning guy in the airport. So I don't know how Tucci would get that information. And I'm just picturing Stadley Tucci being like on the phone like, hello, India. Yeah. So there's this guy that works in my airport. Like, it's so dumb. So he's like, he threatens him with all that. And it's like, okay, fine.

You know, don't hurt my friends. I'll go back to Carcogia. You know, and he's like, the next plane for Carcosia leaves in one hour and you better be on it, Tom Hanks. And I mean, like, you know what you can do now that Carcogia is okay again? you could just, you could go back to America at some point and then finish this journey. It'll be annoying, a little deflating, but you know what?

Maybe you could actually revisit your friends and so on and so forth. I mean, wouldn't his passport now be like reinstated he could actually visit legally? Like the visa might actually process without this special visa? That's a really good thing too. Yeah, I mean I'm, I don't know, shockingly

the movie doesn't care to explore that. But he's waiting for his plane and everyone's like, Victor, you've got to fight it, Victor. Oh, Victor. It's so important that you get this stupid fucking autograph for a dead person it's so fucking important Victor and Gupta like calls him a coward

right here and he's like I'm sorry Gupta I have to go home my planet needs me and Gupta takes his mob and goes out to the tarmac and starts swiping at the plane that's going to take him to Carcosia thus delaying it and is fucking sworn

by Homeland Security is like I'm going home everyone It's like, no, you're going to die in prison, dude. Yeah, totally, man. This is a fucking post-9-11 America and you just made a scene at an airport Indian guy. Guess what? It's all for you, Victor.

It's all for you. It's your autograph. This guy, like, literally sacrifices his life. So this other guy, he kind of knows from work, can get an autograph by a musician he's never heard of. He tells Victor earlier in the film that if he ever went back to India, he would be. he'd go to prison for seven years. Yes. And I don't think he's going to make it in an Indian prison for seven years.

I don't think so either. I don't know if the actor made it to us. What would that be? 2011? Yeah. Let's see here. Oh, yeah. All right. He would have had two free years. He's a guy. Marpaulana passed away in 2013. He's dying in prison. He's absolutely dying in prison. 100%. Also, Tom Hanks can get an autograph. That's really something. And, you know, so then it's like, you know, oh, he's leaving now, he's going to go out and everybody's like running after him, giving him like free shit from all their stores and stuff.

Like there's a lady from the sharper image who's like, oh, put these on. They'll massage your feet or whatever. I'm like, lady, you can't just be giving away store merchandise like this. It's expensive. Someone's like store manager is going to have a lot to say about the guy from the Discovery Zone store that or Discovery Channel store that, you know, gave him whatever. that free little trinket was or something and all of a sudden he's magically just like

this is where you realize he's like the hero of the airport yes uh you know in a big bad way and then you're just like yeah like where is any reporter about this story also why he's about to run all this all this shit is going to weigh him down if he wants to run through the fucking door

exactly with all the nicknacks that you're given this guy and uh but then and then Steli Tucci amasses his army of demons at the door will not let him go through. Yeah, and you have the thing where Barry Shabaka Henley's like you know, behind this door is New York City. You need to turn around. And he turns

around and then Thurman is the character's name. He gives him the coat off his back. He's like, it's snowing in New York, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, they let him out. The door kind of a thing. You need a, like, a real triumphant scream here when he leaves that airport. Instead, he just kind of like inhales briefly. Yeah. It's

Instead, you just get Tucci saying, we were beaten by the best. Yeah, totally. You're totally right. Well, because Tucci's watching from his weird control tower and is like rushing through the airport to stop this, but he gets at a cab before he can. And I mean, like, I don't know, like, it's, yeah, it is something like, this is the first fresh air you've had in like a year. Like, you would weep. You would literally weep. And you know what else you wouldn't do is walk right outside of your terminal and immediately

hail a cab. No way. There would be people throwing bricks at this guy. There is always a cab stand line at the airport, my friend. No flipping way. Especially this is no line, asshole. Is this where he sees Catherine Zeta Jones and it's just like, oh, do I get in the taxi or do I stare? That's another thing. There's no like furious horn honking. Like, buddy, come on. That's what Ben Kingsley is doing. Come on. your movie. I want to be in Munich. God damn it. And this is like 30 solid seconds of them just staring at each other. Yeah.

It's really weird. Gets in the car. There's a joke where the cab driver's from Albania and Tom Hanks is like, oh, when did you get to America? And the guy's like, ooh, uh, four days ago. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. He gets to this. He keeps saying through the whole movie like, I need to get to Ramada Inn on Lexington Avenue, blah, blah, blah. He gets there. And then This is, you realize, like, that's not where he's staying.

This is where Benny Gulsin, I guess, had a standing gig at this Ramada in bar for a full year. That is insane. That is absolutely, I almost like to think of it's like, no, no, no, he was going to go to New York City for nine months and wait for this show. I'm going to be first in line. You know, he goes in or whatever. And then, like I said, it is actually Benny Coulson playing saxophone. And, you know, he's like, oh, you want, you want an auto. huh well uh the song's starting right now so yeah how about you sit down and shut the fuck up

and it's one last of his i mean his catchphrase in his movie is i will wait you know so that's it's just you've come this far i guess you just wait through one more jazz set you get that autograph oh i have to endure my father's terrible jazz music at this show it'd be great if he's just sitting because he's like in the front row it'd be great if he's sitting there like holding his hands over his he was like, oh, my father had terrible taste in music. Sir, sir, can I get you a drink? Yes, a Virgin Shirley Temple, please.

See, I am baby, so give me baby drink, please. Do you have jutebox? Could you put on the little Red Army Choir? Thank you. Oh, and also three ketchup pickets and whatever crackers you might have back there. Oh, Ritzes.

Fancy. The server, like, goes back to the bar, like, yeah, we got one hobo special. And he asked for the autograph Because I know you smell like shit I'm not going to give you anything Well son I would sign your ticket stuff But I can smell those balls from the back row

And whatever He gets back in another cab It is indeed known comedian Scott adds it As the cab driver Where you want to go I am going home And an entirely dry house audience Because it's a like

as flat as anything could be. You're going to see the beautiful Times Square, some more product place, but right before you get out of there. It was nice seeing a shot of functioning Times Square, though, I have to say. And I think also an ad for, I believe there was a Boy George

musical back then that was up at the time. And then the biggest kick of the teeth, especially for autograph haters like the four of us, is the end of this movie is just the actual autograph of all the, you know, you know, primary cast

and crew and everything. We're not, you know, no gaffer is getting a sign of his name. But it's like, that's boy's signature was fantastic. It's like, you know, directed by S-T-E-V. And you're just like, Jesus Christ. Just let it all end, please. Huh. And that's the end of the movie. Yep. That is the

end of Steven Spielberg's the terminal. He lands in Carcosha and gets shot in the head on the tarbman. Oh, absolutely. Now, is this, I mean, you know, we don't have to get into his filmography, but is this kind of, like, of recent Spielberg, like, the most low stakes he's gone? Sure, I would think so, yeah. We didn't really dive anything below that. I've skipped a lot.

Well, low stakes for sure. Yeah, this is, I mean, like, it is like the lowest, easiest, breeziest. And again, like, catch me if you can, it's like the much better of these two movies, you know, an excellent film. I don't know, I don't know if it's his worst. I've skipped a lot. I skipped War Horse. I skipped the Tintin movie. Oh, Adventures.

Tantan is actually kind of okay. I liked that movie. The things like this material just does not work for Steven Spielberg. He's better doing something. Like honestly, Kevin Smith would have made a better movie out of this material. Probably would have. Yeah, you're right. It's just because it's not funny. He's not a comedic director. Like he's

able to have like comedic moments here and there for sure and funny scenes and like jokes that hit because he's well, you know, it's all so much about pacing, but like to sustain a movie like this with just on comedy alone, it doesn't work. And he's It's contained environment too.

Yes. I mean, it's small towns like Frank Capra. It's small town. It's just in an airport for some reason. You're right. But yeah, all the people that work at the airport are like the villages from, you know, Pottersville or whatever. This is a guy who deals with grand historical fucking epics and sci-fi spectacle. Get him out of here. Yeah, totally. I don't know what attracted him to this project at all. Very curious. Actually, the funny thing is I think then like the sort of like, the sort of like, lowest stakes after that and it's not even really that low but like in 2017 he does the post and that's just a newspaper movie you know what i mean like as far as like movies that don't really feel like spielberg movies because even lincoln had that air of like you know it's lincoln at least you know yeah yeah exactly um also i mean i'm speaking to tom hank stuff too like

bridge of spies like is a good movie but that's like a slow burn movie in a weird way that's not very Spielberg-y. I don't know. That's like his most Premiger movie. That feels a lot like a Preminger movie to me. I remember liking it when I saw it, but it's fair. I really like that one. The one that I would guess is like the most kiddie is like the BFG.

Yeah, I never saw it. Oh, I forgot about that. It's not bad. For what it is, it's not bad. Oh, actually, here's a good question. Yeah. And fans of our Patreon will be able to join in here, but no one else. Which is a worst film, this are Ready Player 1?

Or which would you rather watch again? Oh, right, because we did an episode on Ready Player 1 that is available now on Patreon.com slash we have movies. As far as which one I'd rather watch again? Yeah. The Terminal. I think I would go Player 1 just because, you know, drug me up and it's just like maybe I can just see some flashy images.

Yeah, it's tough for me. I think I'd go Player 1 too just because there's an air of Spielbergian fun there. it just it suits him a little better even though he's so ill-suited for it even that you know i i will say like probably a big reason honestly is like i love tom hanks and for me i just don't get this tie sheridan guy everybody i don't get it i really do not get it with that kid i he doesn't do it for me who's that he's the guy in ready player one he was the guy okay what else is he in oh he was in mud he was also he plays um uh uh Cyclops in X-Men

Apocalypse Young Sean Penn in Tree of Life Gotcha I mean Yeah I don't know If I've seen enough I didn't see mud

So I don't know If I can outright hate him yet But I don't give a shit I mean it's like Ready Player 1 is popular Like the images There's a lot to like If you wanted to look for little like

Things you could Like there's stuff in the images This is shot by Janus Kaminsky And it looks like garbage I don't know Kevin I'd rather just look at fucking shots of double whoppers, then watch that fucking ready player one again.

I don't know. Those those wopper shots are disgusting by the way. Wopper shot. They're both bad options, folks. Yeah, that's a great way to put it. All right, would anybody recommend this movie to wrap things up here? Oh, no, no, no, no. I really

just didn't care for it at all. I find it's just grading. It's ill-suited for everybody. I think even like Tom Hanks, but I think that this character is so thin it even stretches that credibility as well. It's a big old no.

Steve, because I didn't ask this at the top, I forgot. Was this yours or anyone's first time watching this movie? I saw this in theaters for some goddamn reason. Yeah, all right. Yeah, this was true. I think I did too. I definitely did. It was still, it was, you know, those multiplex summers

where you just, you went back, I was working as a projectionist, and it was like, all right, here's a free movie. It's the new Spielberg movie, like, of course I'm going to see it. after the 90s, I just went to any Spielberg movie. Like an idiot. Yeah, but would you recommend this one, Eric? No. This is just top to bottom.

Trash. I don't know what they were thinking. So it's a big no for me, and that's all I'll say. Chris, come on. I know you're going to surprise us. Here comes your left field. Big fan. Love it. No, it's a piece of shit. It's an absolute piece of shit and it should never be talked about again. The thing that really pisses me off about it is that

you're right. It is low stakes. But like, things you set up are not low stakes they're all very high stakes and you just don't want to deal with them exactly it drives you fucking crazy watching this and just watching them like fart at everything that's very serious and you lose all the post 9-11

like all the shit really any actual real immigrant stories or immigration stories or how the TSA was fucking with people at the time you know at the time still they had to they had to change it from the original Iranian guy because it wouldn't play to an American audience

So let's just make up a fictitious Eastern block that we could sympathize with at this present moment in 2004. The day a big blockbuster is led by an Iranian man. Yeah, right. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend this, even though I would watch it again over Ready Player 1. But again, maybe that's just a night to open a good book. Because I don't want to have to do either. Could I suggest a book for you? Sure.

Okay, it's about Napoleon. It's 1,200 pages. That is the terminal from 2004, directed, of course, by Sir Steven Spielberg. If you want more We Hate Movies, please, of course, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. We're in keeping with the Steven Spielberg theme. We have an episode of We Love Movies out on Raiders of the Lost Ark. Either it's out or it'll be out tomorrow. We'll see how the editing goes here.

But that's out. That was a lot of fun. I cannot wait to have folks listen to that. What else is floating around Eric Siska in our Patreon? Oh, well, you know, Spielberg was good friends with a George Lucas character, who was actually a real guy that directed the Star Wars movies, or actually only some of them. But we do a side show on Star Wars there, and this month we are talking about the character Bib Fortuna, Diwanga, DiJaba nobata, he's the doorman, the major domo of Java's Palace, and that is on Patreon as well. Not only that, the Nexus, we talk about an episode of Star Trek and an episode of TNG, and that's a lot of fun. Plus, so much more.

We did a cat'smentary recently. A full commentary track to the movie, the motion picture cats. We've got an AD on the mask. Yeah. Oh, that's right, that mask the animated series. One of the worst theme songs ever written. We've dropped Saturday River Sleaves in the last couple months on Basketcase and The Exterminator and Don's Plum. But also this month, we are dropping for our top tier patrons, our sucker punchmentary, the much maligned, much loved, but now kind of gone

from easy access commentary to the Zach Stuyves piece of shit movie. That's right. And I believe if I'm remembering that one correctly, it is me watching the movie for the first time and losing my goddamn mind. So be sure to check that out. Of course, also a gentle reminder, all of our profit from 2020

from our merch sales are going directly to Black Lives Matter and Black Lives Matter and Jason Charities. So go over to WHMpodcast.com. Get a little pop-up window there. It's going to come up, give you all the information you need about that. Kick in there. If you would like to, we'd really appreciate. that we appreciate the folks who have already participated and of course you can just

donate directly there there's a link as well if you don't want to buy any merch which is totally fine and as always we hit movies keeps ongoing next Tuesday we have a brand new episode of the summer blockbuster extravaganza of course as we are only just getting started here in July Steve what are we talking about next week

we are talking about Lara Croft the cradle of life I guess we're calling it Cradle Phil now this is the second the Angelina Jolie second movie there it is yeah so not to be confused with that new one

that came out which I've heard is pretty good I liked it I suggest you guys check it up but this one not so much has anybody seen this yet before we oh yeah yeah you did Kevin I know you we brought up the opening scene in the last episode

and I can't wait to revisit it I haven't seen this movie ever so I've never seen it yeah oh this is gonna be great so until next week where we have our minds blown by the Tomb Raiders sequel, or at least the opening scene. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Seidak. Eric Siska.

Take it easy and put on a goddamn mask. Thank you. Thank you.