We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 496 - Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

Episode Date: July 21, 2020

On the penultimate episode of the 2020 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza, the gang is chatting about the totally lazy and unnecessary sequel, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life! How cheap does that CGI shark look? Why did they bother keeping the two dolt tech characters? And what's with the 11th hour tree monsters? PLUS: The guys come up with their best fake-movie-that-should-just-be-a-real-movie yet: Screenplay Camp! WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life stars Angelina Jolie, Gerard "American Mike" Butler, Ciarán Hinds, Chris Barrie, Noah Taylor, Djimon Hounsou, Til Schweiger, and Simon Yam; directed by Jan de Bont. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program. Wow, this one was unnecessary. It's Laura Croft Tomb Raider, the cradle of filth life. I'm Andrew Jupin. I'm Stephen Sadek podcaster here in the cradle of life. Oh, wow. On location, right? Oh, I'm Eric Siska, by the way. I'm Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Thank you. Thank you. So, Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, if you're new to the program, because you're a huge Laura Croft fan. This is a comedy show where we make fun of movies, just like Laura Croft Tomb Raider, the Cradle of Life, directed by Yon DeBan in 2003. And you may recall that we've done some other Yon DeBan movies, mainly The Haunting, I think, is the only one that we've done. Do we do speak to? No, but didn't he do Twister? Am I nuts?

Oh, that's right. Yep, we did Twister previous episode. Probably a soon to be or at some point on the WLM feed, Speed 1 of course. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, the weird thing is like at least speed and Twister, like

are movies that like feel like movies they move, they breathe, they have like engines to them. Yeah, they're pretty good. Yeah, I mean, Twister is a piece of shit but it's super fun. I mean, Twister is something you get sucked into into the suck zone on TNT or something.

Welcome back to the suck zone on TNT. It is an afternoon movie for sure. It is an ass magnet of a movie because your fucking ass ain't getting off that couch. I thought it was an ass magnet because Helen Hunt was in it. By the way, while we're talking about previous

episodes, I want to quickly mention that we did the first movie with Angelina Joe Lee called just Laura Croft Tomb Raider. Yeah. And it is on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We did it in March of 2019 before we changed the feed over

to we love movies. Yeah, we retooled. The executives came in and changed everything. You know how that goes. Yeah. They decided that we couldn't wear the sports coat anymore.

We had to do the full suit when we do the show. I had to buy a bunch of bow ties. A lot of bow ties, absolutely. Yeah, it was kind of like a, you know, as much as they love hearing you talk about stuff you hate,

maybe try talking about stuff you love. Well, speaking of a retool, that's what this movie is. It is a, it's like a redo sequel. Like, ah, the first one didn't work, but Angelina is great, and we got her on contract. So let's just throw it against the wall and do it again, totally

differently, but somehow worse? Now, I mean, I'll grant you that this is worse than the first one, but how, I guess I'm just not remembering that first one well enough. How is it that much different from? They're both garbage. Like,

They're just like, I don't even think there's anything salvageable from that first one. But the first one is about her and, like, she's in that house a bunch and she's actually doing archaeology. This is just a James Bond riff. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Well, let's take her out of the archaeology bit and then just have her globetrot and shoot dudes, which, you know. Also, like, her man servants, one's named Hillary and the other one's played by Noah Taylor. They actually had shit to do in that first movie and she actually had scenes with them.

I mean, I don't know I and you know I guess I should have re-listened to the episode we did on this first one before getting into this because I might be asking the same questions here now as I do remember bringing up on that first episode I never played the video games of this

but like is the Noah What's his face is his character like a thing from the game where like you had to check in with him on statuses? No, no you were all on your own in the video games from at least the original ones. I can't speak to my wife Sophia plays the new ones

but again I think it's just you it's just you. He's the thing from screenplay school of just like get the smart guy in there to read shit off and if you need it and he can hack sometimes and maybe he could fly a helicopter. I don't know. You have to have a computer guy

it's the time I mean it's the aughts you have to have one computer guy at least. Every fucking time they cut to these two idiots though like the movie like pulls this emergency break and goes into a cinematic skid like you have never seen before. The thing is like if you're going to cut to these guys and they're going to be so minimal as they are in this movie, they need to just be like comic relief. Yeah. Or cut them out and just like five like give just divvy those like nine lines up between Gerard Butler and whomever else. Also by the way, screenplay school is a we hate movies project like a TV show where we play a bunch of like loose.

are screenwriters that have to go to screenplay school but it's kind of like police academy oh yes it's police academy meets screenwriting meets Billy Madison right the Hollywood judge orders us to attend screenplay school oh fuck do judge Hollywood look out for that guy

well if you think you know so much about screenplay how much you each write me one by the end of the summer gavel gallo noise I've been cancelled you have 25 pages to convince me not to throw the book

at you boys. Yes. Yes. I'm liking it. I am liking it. And then there's like a camp across the river with like babes that are maybe it's like there's maybe it's not a co-ed screenplay school. There's a female screenplay school across the way. I love

that this is now in the woods. Come on. Of course it's in the woods. Of course. The Hollywood. Well now it's like screenplay camp I guess. Look Netflix. I don't know what to tell you. Steve will not budge about the babes. there has to be babes in the forest across the way. Actually, you know how you can make this a fucking killer

Slabs versus Snob's situation? So there's screenplay school, or I guess maybe screenplay camp, whatever. But then across the river it's all like a bunch of rich kids like writing operas and plays and we go over there and like fart on them and stuff. By the way, Camp Tinsel Lake. Yes. Okay.

I do feel like we have to with screenplay school to keep it in the boob comedy realm because screenplay camp sounds a little too horror-esque sure you're totally right you'll never survive screenplay camp tell that to like 95% of the kids

graduating from film school you'll write your own demise at screenplay camp your character can't change if it's dead at screenplay camp the third act will be your final act screenplay camp

well maybe we do both we do screenplay school and screenplay camp that's that's the thing is screenplay school is such a massive hit we churned out a sequel the very next summer and we're all going to camp in both school and camp the scripts for both the tomb raider movies would be fucking thrown into tinsel lake they're both like i know i understand the difference like that the the cecil and whatever his name is feel like just like little exclamation points in the middle of all this but like they weren't great

to begin with i'm gonna be honest i know yeah i agree yeah i like i really truly despise the scene where she's like fight practicing with one of them and he's also like giving her cool facts while he's doing it like i cannot stand it like yeah i mean this movie does have training they show her training right but so she's not a mary sue but she's so hypersexualized and the training scenes are fucking corny as all get out and all they're done way better in that first movie

enough or not like we don't in this one we don't have like a Mountain Dew robot to fight her or whatever like that that is something that we miss I guess do the do and by the way John Voight much like he will be eventually is left in hell or whatever the hell happens at the end of that movie

he's not cold I mean he's dead but it's not like maybe you would think about it a flashback seed or something. But speaking of drag to hell, the opening logos of this movie, you get to see the Paramount logo drowned for some reason? It's stupid

shit. It's the end of X2 except for the Paramount Mountain is below the water. You're totally good point. Not only that, the mutual film company, which I'm like, what? Is that important enough to go underwater? It's very much the it's like bodies of the East River

kind of a situation. I'd be happier to see the bodies, to be honest with you. I don't know. Just floating like so many dead bodies is what I mean. It's just like, I don't know. I'm looking at a mountain that's underwater. How dumb can you get?

It's just so stupid. And that they actually have to also put Paramount pictures in the text of the credits underwater as well. Sure. Like two frames later. I'm like, what the fuck? We better be going to fucking Atlantis. Yeah. Oh man.

Tomb Raiders. See that, if you had the movie and it's like something something atlantis i don't know now i'm kind of on board i mean why not instead we're going to alexander the great's like fucking temple under vacation home it seems like it's like it's so like muddled and now i have to like try to grasp greek history in like two seconds and it's like a thing where like it's not even a tomb raid it's a tomb pop in like you know she kind of just checks in and checks out well those chinese guys kind of fuck it up for everybody in that scene yeah so she shows up like an ass well first of all there is the Greek the big fat Greek wedding which I should talk about. We should say

yeah, this whole thing we're told it starts in Santorini Greece and it's a big fat Greek wedding that like is interrupted by like rocks falling? It's an earthquake but like oh right. I didn't understand this at first because I'm like oh so this whole family's dead.

That's what I was pulling for. I was like is that just how this opens and just to get like the rocks under the stupid rocks underwater visual? What happens is the Greek ambulance comes and sprays all the bodies down with wind decks and you're fine. Understood. Okay, that makes more sense. I think that this scene proves that those Greek gods are a real thing

because this earthquake happens right after some of the dumbest ass wedding dancing I've ever seen my life. There's like that scene where like this girl goes up to the DJ and is like, and the guy's like, got it. And he turns around and like hits play on something. And the absolute worst fart rock you've ever heard in your life starts playing. And all these Greek people are like, fuck yeah! But I mean, I think you're right because I think what happens is they upset the old gods. Exactly. In the

beginning, we start, we open on the wedding and they're playing like, you know, Greek mandolins or whatever that instrument is called. Oh, like a balaika or something? I think it is a mandolin because that's what Captain Corelli had. Oh, that's Italy. That's it. But, and then

she, and everything's fine. The gods are cool. But then she's like, we need 2000s era band rock music. And that's when Zeus is like, fuck you guys. It's like crystal method with guitars. Yes, that's actually a great way to describe it. That would really upset some gods, I feel like.

And anyway, yeah, like I was so confused by this because, yes, all of a sudden there's an earthquake and everybody's like looks like they're about to die. And then like rocks tumble into the water and we go underwater to get the full title of Tomb Raider fucking Lara Croft cradle of life. And I thought that was just it. like, I was like, that's a weird way to open your movie because I didn't hear Quake at all in the script after this, except for I had to listen very carefully. And they do say it once. There's one dude that's like, Aftershock or something like that. Also, so yeah, there's these dudes like out in the water. There's all these guys like fishing artifacts out of the water. And they're like, you know, competing about like who's getting water or whatever. And she comes in on this jet ski playing Wave Race 64. Yes. what just get there it's like she's just assholeishly she's late the guys are like oh is she ever going to get here and then she's like sorry boys had to do some barrel rolls it's like no you didn't like if you're already late to a work function the barrel rolls please no no the gods like barrel rows you say you see if you understood history better wow the gods must be crazy uh good movie uh so they're diving for what we're told is the Luna Temple and yeah Alexander the Great

it was like a storage shed for him or something I don't know I wasn't really following along it's got his it's got oh yeah it's got a few shed all of his beer he's got some pool supplies in there I guess I'll also put the orb of enlightenment in here too what the hell

and she's so they like go down to you know dive looking they've got these like you know underwater rocket sleds that they're helping them, like, dive faster, I guess, is the idea. This is around the time she starts boxing a shark. That happens on her way out.

The shark is set up. It's Chekhov's Shark. You just kind of wishes by them. And she's like, ooh, interesting. He's like, oh, hey, how's it going, everybody? And she's like, oh, I'll see you later, Shark. Don't worry about that. Yeah, you better.

I got fucking, I'm contracted to be at a fucking fight over here. Also, this is 2003, man. and I think the sharks in the film Shark Tale look more realistic than what we're looking at here. This is sub-shark-nado shit, dude. It really is, dude.

I expected Ian Zering to come out of somewhere. They sound more believable in Shark's Tale as well. Oh my God. The fact that this thing is growling in the sea, it is amazing. I love it. Oh, I love it.

Like, it's a dog. It's like, well, it's a fucking shark and you can't hear anything. throw the hot dogs at it Everyone knows Alexander the Great used to breed dogs and sharks And everyone knows that Alexander the Great used to throw hot dogs at animals

Oh yes That's the famous dog shark You punch it in the nose and it'll take you anywhere Yeah she winds up We want to go with these two other guys These two hunks These Greek hunks are like her friends And they're flirting a little bit

And she's like you guys look at that stuff I want to see what this orb is all about And while that happens, these other dudes come and just murder those guys. Yeah, it was, and it was right away, here's the warning sign for like when you're watching a movie that I think was like filmed with the intention of being more violent

than it actually got to be. Because both of these dudes have their throats cut. And I want to see that guy's head like almost fall off. You know what I mean? Yes. It's a real hardcore action in one of these movies. Why not? They're barely putting on red paint.

Like, there's nothing at all. Oh, I didn't see any blood. It's totally like a theatrical, like, oh, my throat's been cut. I would have liked, I would have preferred, like, basket case, just put a bunch of ketchup on them and have that be that. Yep. Yep. Something.

Did you learn that in screenplay school, Andrew? No, it was actually at a screenplay camp. Okay. I would say, actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I think the way this works is the judge sentences us to run screenplay school for a little while. That's what I was. counselor kind of a thing yeah like a Bill Murray and Meatball is kind of

a situation oh here's what happens guys we have to write a horror movie but then the fucking crimes in the script are coming to true oh my god this is a really good act copyright movie movies copyright movie movies Robert McKee is the janitor people find screenplays people lose

I was trying to think of something at a camp that you could find and lose people find lanyards people lose the lanier. He takes a plunger. People find swim trunks. People lose them. He takes a plunger to a toilet. It's like, you got to find the drama. It's in here somewhere. Yeah, so she's like taking pictures of this orange globe and studying it and whatnot. And then, yeah, these Chinese dudes run in and start murdering everybody. And she, there's a big thing where like, so the aftershock thing starts happening and the temple's like collapsing. so they're all kind of getting out of there anyone catch the stunt double totally eating shit

falling on one of these fake columns no oh my god it's like i don't know what the stunt i think it was supposed to be the dude was supposed to like roll off something and just hit the floor and it's a split second thing because like she's in the foreground and this dude in the background falls off of this platform and lands on like a column and you can see his body like crack like he just kind kind of goes sideways and I was like, well, they left that guy getting paralyzed in the final cut. How about that? The main bad guy here is played by Simon Yam, who is amazing. That dude's been in like a thousand movies. He's in a bunch of Johnny Toe movies, which all rule. And I think he was in Ip Man as well. He's in at least one of the Ip Man movies. I don't know which one.

But yeah, so they get out of there and everything. And then this is where she's like, they do a thing where they steal one of the rocket sleds or whatever, these underwater sleds, and then fuck up another one. And so they leave her. So the idea is, by the way, so this is how ridiculous this is. Like, she's so far underwater because of those sleds

that, like, you can't swim out. What am I going to do? Let's attract this shark with cutting my arm open and just, like, letting a bunch of blood fall out into the water. Sure. Because she knows, all she has to do is sock out of the snooker it turns into a fucking crazy taxi now crazy taxi excellent

so that also wasn't a video game thing because that's a video game move man the original one was very low like you like climb and occasionally shoot and that's about it you solve the fucking puzzles and tombs yep Chris did you when did you shoot when you saw that life like jiggling

yes yes Eric that's exactly it oh you go Eric sorry No, I only played the first game, and I really don't remember it much beyond it being like a leisure suit Larry meets Indiana Jones. I, well, we should talk about, speaking of leisure suit, Larry, this fucking wetsuit they put her in, man. It is, oh, sure. It's the poster of the movie, by the way. And you, you're like, hey, I want to see what the new Tomb Raiders is about. I guess she's underwater the whole time.

Yeah, it's really dumb, but I will say the one thing that they, uh, cut out of the poster is the constant presence of her nipples in this movie it is ridiculous it's a real I mean apparently in the last movie she was wearing like breast forms

to give her like larger larger breasts but they took those away to make it more realistic to who she is but then they're like here's the bargain Angelina

well you don't have to wear the silly shit but you also can't wear a bra I could just imagine yanda bumbling yes we get more air conditioning on this Greek lake, please, a little bit more AC on here. Yes, Angelina, here we go. Yeah, we need to cool it down in here.

I need to see some nipples. Does everyone have an ice cube? Oh, God. Just put the ice packs in the water. When she goes in the pool, it'll happen accidentally. Man, and, you know, I'm looking at this poster, too. And first of all, like, she's standing still. also apparently like walking on water

in posters they usually do no but like shut up but like it looks like the water's like coming up and like it looks like she's been stamping her feet yeah and then also like I don't think she ever has that gun in the movie itself oh wait wait is she

stomping yeah there's a dudes it's like her feet and then right under the boots where it says Laura Croft Tomb Raider the cradle of Life that's it's blocking like all the credits on the bottom of the poster are blocking a dude's nutsack that she's stamping on.

One of the Greek brothers is just down there. Yeah, so she gets to the surface with the fucking shark and she's like, and then like a submarine comes out of nowhere and picks her up. Where does a submarine come from? And this is when Noah Taylor reveals himself, right? Noah Taylor begins.

Yeah, it's him. And the other dude is here too. Is he not? Chris Barry, I think his name is. Yeah, I have the note picked up by team of nerds. And so, like, that's sort of, like, the cold open. We are then introduced to Kieran Hines as this evil, like, bond villain in this Tomb Raider movie, which is just no good.

It does not belong in this movie at all. Who is the villain of that first movie? It's like a competing archaeology team or something. It's, yeah. Well, it's like another society. It's the other Game of Thrones actor, though, because it's all over the trivia. Yes, Jora Moormount. What was his name again?

let me just look at it. Yeah. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. I'm not Welsh, I can't say that right, but I read it's Ian Glenn. I would just say, here's a rule of thumb. If you can't, you don't know what to pronounce, it's man's radar for this guy in this movie and draw a more mount for the other guy and the other movie. Well, I'll tell you, I did some crowdsourcing because whatever movie we did that this dude was in also, like people were fucking losing their minds about us mispronouncing this guy's name.

So I took to Twitter and I was like, hey, Irish people, how do you say this guy's name? And the consensus, more or less, is that because he's a dude from Northern Ireland in the north, they pronounce it, Kieran. And someone thankfully shared a YouTube video of him saying his own name. He says Kieran, we're saying Kieran. If you say it another way, I don't give a fuck because that's how this guy says his name. My favorite thing about Kieran Hines's little speech here is that they refuse to make up fake names for things. So, like, instead of, like, saying, like, the bat-shit plague or something like that, it's like, we have used improved typhoid, enhanced cholera, accelerated Ebola. Yeah, accelerated Ebola.

Yeah, so he's on this, like, private plane of the Ebola virus. By the way, the bad shit plague would be guano. Yes. Oh, right. A source of nitrate. I don't need to remember that line from Mr. Turpies. Big time herpes. Everything's heightened.

Extra large gunneria. I mean, it's funny that, I mean, it's funny, but like there's a supervirus plot in this. It's very timely for when we're recording this. But in this movie, Karen Heinz has a anti-serum, which we don't quite have.

Not just yet. Here. Now, here's my question, though, about all these fucking people. So the whole thing is he's given some dumb speech And then he calls out this one guy for being a traitor and murders him And it's like he you know makes him take a sip of something The dude's insides turn to jelly And this is where he says you know accelerated Ebola And then he passes around this anti serum pill for all of his buddies on the plane

And he's like by the way you're also getting a hundred million dollars And then like you never see these people again But he's charging them a hundred million dollars for the virus. Oh. But even still, you never see them and you never hear about them again, so it doesn't matter. But it just wanted to...

Well, because that's the other thing, right? It's like, he's doing this whole spiel about this virus, but like the whole movie is him trying to get this Pandora's Box to make a different weapon. But the Pandora's Box also has a plague with it. You get all the features. You get all the features.

This apocalypse, baby. New Pandora's Box! Comes with all the features. It's a subscription service model, possibly. It's a new virus every month or like it's a bevy of viruses and you want to keep it updated. This is like Disney Plus getting Hamilton.

You open up the box once a month and it's like, oh nice, COVID. Oh my God, what else is in there? Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Big bad herpes. I already had that. I'm sorry, big time herpes.

I just love the idea of big. It's just like herpes with sunglasses on. But then what they do is they decide to release like a boutique strain of stuff too. so it's like, you know, a little more niche, a little more sexy. And it's like, you know, tiny cancer. Like, Lil AIDS. Yeah.

Of course. Enlarged dropsy. I do love this guy eating shit on this plane. Oh, yeah. He starts vomiting blood. Like, and that's the weird thing. It's like, you don't see, there must be some sort of MPA rule about slitting someone's throat versus them vomiting blood. Right.

Like, if blood comes out of their mouth, like it's supposed. to, that's fine. But out of their throat, you don't have any blood holes in your throat. Blood holes. Says the MPAA. Jack Bloody's dying wish, dude. What's that? It's Jack Valenti's dying wish. Oh, I see. Um, so yeah, he goes to Hong Kong with these people. And then he's like, by the way, get me that orb that I was ordering. So you really, you sort of fill in the blanks here that like the, uh, yeah, the Chinese dudes are working for this. guy. They were stealing the orb for him. But then they say something about like, oh, like the heat was too much right now. So like we didn't bring you the orb. And he's like, hey man, do me a favor. I'm the villain here. Go get my fucking orb right now. I don't care what the heat is like. My favorite thing about the orb is it looks like has a bunch of fuzzy dice inside it. You know what this looks like to me. I used to have these little balls that you'd put like, you know, my little like childhood hamster in, you know? And then he could like run around the house. It looks like a little hamster toy. like you would put a rodent in this prop inside a dragon fruit also a little bit

i can see it it looks like a dragon ball a little bit if why i if anyone's uh savvy as we say here on we hate movies is that a db z a db z a dragon ball looks like it looks a bit like a dragon ball it would be better if this movie looked like a fucking or if the orb in this movie look like a fucking like Pokemon ball though instead just a little red and black thing or red and uh white thing man if simon yam or angelina jo lee like touched the orb and like a electricity shoots out of everywhere and their air goes all crazy. Yeah, I'm more interested. Oh, I mean, like, this movie gets so fucking silly.

She might as well do a fucking, like, a super punch with a super saying fucking kick in the air. I mean, this orb would be cool if it was anything besides being a map. It's just a big guffin to lead us to the fucking Pandora's box of Virus Love Town. Hey, it glows different colors, Eric. It's very, it's very nice. It was the world's first home entertainment system as well. We'll find out. Oh, man.

and what? All right. You know what? I'm not even going to get riled up until I need to. How about that? We go back to Lara's bullshit mansion. Croft Manor.

And you know what? Here's the thing. I know you're not going to... She hates John Void. Everybody hates John Void. What you need to do is you open on Croft Manor and you see his grave. Like that'd be kind of fun.

Right. And then she gets up from pissing on it. Well, but it would have to be a thing, though, where it's just like a memorial, right? because he's like presumed lost somewhere or some shit. I think he's in the fucking wherever, whatever they get in that last movie he's like all up in it. Is he in the space

between spaces by any chance? Kind of sort of. Yeah. Yeah. Wherever Terrence stamp is at the end of the fucking Superman too. Oh. What is that the forbidden zone? Bantam zone, my friend. That's right. Yeah. So this is this was the dumb ass like we're talking about this

orb while also doing some sword fight training. Yes. And just talking about orbs endlessly. she's got a staff that like breaks in half she starts to beat the shit out of this dude which she winds up doing later again making sure she's not a Mary Sue MI6 shows up

and she's like get the fuck out of my house like she's got to be in shitty to them there's a great there's a great music cue right around here because after she's like had enough with sword fighting this nerd she's like you guys stay in here and keep doing nerd stuff and there is a cut

to fart rock while she's riding a horse with just shooting these random bullseyes and like are you replacing these every day well though the servants are dude well yeah Jesus that has to cost you well no she's she's impossibly rich oh I mean but like that's a lot of work she's impossibly rich well the thing is well you know her her servants are doing shit for all this this whole movie like when when she was sword fighting one one of them the other way I was on the computer well she you know she tasks them with finding every reference

to orbs in all of Greek literature? Okay. Sounds like a lot. It's a bit of a task, yeah. Do you want the whole thing? Do you want like a top summary? What are we talking here? You really hope that these guys are making good money.

I mean, that's all I have to say, because she is running them ragged. They're probably interns. Oh, yeah, unpaid intern. I would be embezzling shit right and left. Absolutely. Just steal from the rich. Do you fuck those people?

No, no, they've been tagged at this point. She knows where they are at all points. If she sees something missing, she's going to get them. Well, like, is she going to miss one of these vases? She has so many vases. She doesn't know how to be vases. She's got, man. Yeah.

This is talk of somebody who's going to get tagged and then found out. Okay, well, here's what happens, Chris. I'll just take a little viz for myself there. If I get caught on it, I'll be like, oh, no, no, I took it to the vase cleaner. There you go. Right back. Yeah, right by a cheap knockoff to replace it with. So, yeah, so when she's riding this horse, a helicopter,

comes in, hilariously kind of spooks the horse and she almost falls off. These are two fucking nothing MI6 dudes. These characters are absolutely nothing. Although I will say one dude looks like a cross between Alan Rickman and Justin Long and it is quite

hilarious. Yes, it does. He looks like Alan Rickman melting. Yeah, it was freaking me out, man. So they're telling her about this dude Chen Lowe, who's this black market arms dealer, blah, blah, blah. You know, you've got to find this orb before Reese, which is Kieran Heinz character, gets it.

Because he's also, by the way, a sophisticated arms dealer. Well, they make, of course, a reference he's Dr. Mangala for today's age. Not your mama's, Dr. Mangala. I don't know. Yeah, which means he's not as bad. I'm sorry. He's big time, Mangala. It's Mangala with a skateboard, I guess, is the idea.

Oh, you're to rostify Mangala by, oh, 6%. And, of course, he's also won the Nobel Prize. They say modern day Mangala. And, I mean, that sounds like a TLC reality show to me. Oh, my God. So the whole thing is like, by the way, what's this orb? Oh, it's a map that'll take you to Pandora's box. And, man, I got to tell you, the disrespect for the audience.

and I know people are stupid. Boy, I know it. But this movie stops dead to have one of these two MI6 guys just tell the tale of Pandora's Box. And she's standing there like, yeah, I know. Well, it's even stupid or because she was like, yes, that's the Sunday school version. Oh, the Sunday school version of a Greek myth, you idiot.

You know, the actual version has a lot more fucking in it. So let's talk about it now. Sunday school, you learn Christian myths. your ass so stupid this movie is so fucking stupid I love it

so yes we're told that Pandora's box is located in the cradle of life where life began which is in Egypt and the whole thing

is like it's something about like you know two sides of the same coin give and take whatever the fuck she's like oh yeah

you know with life you know the the plague comes because plagues are companions to life and you're like, you know what? Can we just start this adventure?

Exactly. It's a half hour before we kind of get to who is like the, not the real antagonist of the movie, but he kind of is, which is Gerard Butler. Right. Because she's like, I, if you want me to do this, I need to bring in Terry Sheridan. The guy's like, fuck you.

Not Terry Sheridan. Absolutely not. I got a hearty, heartay, big time L-O-L. from his name being Terry Sheridan. Just Gerard Butler played a guy named Terry. I was tickled pink. I was waiting for her to start calling him Terrence. Oh, yeah.

And so it turns out Gerard Butler, you know, is this commander who became a traitor and now he's in jail in Kazakhstan for some reason. I mean, Lara Croft has to wear an Emma Frost outfit to go and get him in the middle of this prison. This is a Vin Diesel. jacket from triple X. You see this thing? It's ridiculous. She

finds him and we know he's cool because he's in Kazakhstan doing upside down push-ups. Yeah. She has a little bit of a Clarice Starling walk right here. Because like this guy greets her like as the helicopter lands. Is that Borat or is that later?

Oh, that was later. Okay. Look at the blood. Look at the blood. My wife, look at the blood. I can't her. Or we were plague. Oh, that orb is very

nice. Yay. Ooh, I'm going to take the orb from you, Gypsy. Oh, I can smell your own. Never mind. There's some guy that greets her at the helipad. It is like, hi, I'm somebody, somebody. Welcome to Fantasy Island. And I was like, oh,

fuck. Would I rather be watching that crazy fantasy island movie? The answer is yes. Oh, the new one? Am I the only one that did not see that new? I think I've seen it. I saw it. Yeah. Oh, dude. You know what, man? Fire up a nice jazz cigarette. Set yourself in with a little cognac. I would say, wait. A little fantasy island fucking film festival. You might want to wait until January because we're definitely going to do it. Yeah, that's actually, we could just straight up confirm that's a selection from January 2020. Because there's seven

movies coming out this year. Totally. Oh, a sick blessing in this movie is that at least Gerard Butler just gets to be a Scottish guy. Yes, oh my God, thank God. It really kind of frees him up a little bit. Like, I think the only, you know, I don't do this every week, but you know, we try to say a positive thing about you know, movies, especially when we're really ripping on them like this one. And I think the two

of them are pretty good in this movie together with the chemistry and whatnot. I do. And they might be fuck it. I don't know. You know, no reports anywhere, but I think they might be fucking. Oh, really? You think they're playing a little hide the old sausage there. Billy Bob Thornton was watching. though.

Oh, yeah. A little folding chairs. No, no, go ahead. Yeah, it's cool. I'm just going to sit here with a bag of popcorn and watch y'all. It's me. I'm cooking sling blade.

No, no, keep doing that. Yeah, give me great ideas for that. Maybe I'll use them in the astronaut farmer. Oh, Steve. Steve, you know what? You said cucking in a Gerard Butler accent. Got it. And I thought you were saying he was cooking Billy Bob Thorne.

And I was like, oh, what is he going to eat him now, too? That's kind of cool. your wife and I eat you. And I ate the mess you left in my floor. Oh shit. So the whole deal is if he goes and helps her

infiltrate this triad known as the Shay Ling, you know, then his record is going to be expunged. He'll be released from jail, given a little comfy sum of money, yada, yada, yada. So Gerard Butler,

China expert in this movie. Yeah. Well, he's like, oh, I've been doing dirty deals all over the world. I can get you to the Shea Ling. Ack. And they make an uneasy alliance. It's very clear that they used to be lovers, but now they are not. Oh, yeah.

And this is just going to tease us through the whole movie. He's kind of got a George Clooney haircut in this movie. Yep, sensible, sensible little Caesar haircut. Totally period appropriate for the early aughts. It looks like a real jerk. Kind of serious. What his, like, where was he in his career here? This is after Dracula 2000, clearly.

Right. But this is pre-300. Yes, this is like we're doing... Phantom of the Opera? Did that happen yet? That's around now. Phantom of the Opera was after this also. That's a fucking thing I saw in the theater.

It was going to look it up. Still never saw that movie, by the way. Me either. I've never seen that one. Which movie? The Phantom of the Opera remade. Oh, it's terrible. Oh, you know what he had right before this was a rain of fire? Phantom is the year after this.

Yeah. This movie came out the same year as Timeline, which I think might be another stage too. This is what he just had heat on him because he was like a good looking dude and you know what I mean? Like he's just, he's got that heat. Looks good without a shirt on. That's it. That's all we need, baby. 300's right around the corner so he's going to be a

superstar then. Yeah, it was three years after this and then it just kind of goes from there. Ooh, a 2007 PS, I love you. I love you. I want the matter you. That movie, that movie is fucking garbage, too. Maybe someday, folks.

I want to murder you, Hillary Swank. No, it's like he's fucking dead. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, like reading all these letters or she goes on some like post my husband's dead treasure hunt or something in the movie. Yeah, I want him to like really elongate your grief. So you got to read me letters. I'm going to send you on a grief scavenger hunt. Ghost can't do it, huh?

So we're going to China This crazy jet pod thing And there's a thing in this movie That like they play it as like a laugh or whatever But it's like kind of cruel Where this old Chinese guys like in this river or something Doing some quiet fishing And there's stupid like escape pod thing

Crash lands in the water And like pretty much kills this guy And the movie's like out of the way Chinese guy Here comes action. Because they kind of do this thing where it's like, oh, we are using this weird stealth bombary looking fucking thing, but we're going to jump out of it. So like it looks like we die. Like they're faking their own death a little bit here. Am I wrong?

Yeah, they use the ejector seat, I think. What we have to do, Terry, is we have to waste the most amount of money we can. We just have to break everything. So it's just shit and not usable and more. Totally. And we meet right here, my favorite character in the movie, this little old lady that's like Laura Croft's. this little old Chinese lady who's just like

oh hey it's been a long time since I've seen you here's all your guns and I fixed up these pretty cool motorcycles for you guys to use oh man which just try to remain conspicuous okay and then she's driving the motorcycles down the fucking gray wall

dude what are we doing she's like skitching on it it's like bull fucking shit like this is the way they're like not getting caught they also look like characters from the from hackers at this point oh definitely these jackets and these sunglasses you're gonna get noticed it is so bad from top to bottom and just these useless garbage set pieces like here eat this slop you pig this is sort of why 300 and

the nolan batman movies and the marvel movies were like these are better blockbusters because we're i guess trying this is just a weird spaghetti spaghetti soup. I think you're right because there's at least a framework there that sort of makes sense, right? You know what I mean? Even if it might be a little bit glib, like the Marvel movies are a bit overly serious, like the novel loan movies or complete trash, like

300. It's like there is at least like a framework in which I understand what I'm looking at. It has to do certain things to work as opposed to like, I don't know, it's a globe-throtten adventure. Fucking watch her on the Chinese wall there. What did they call it? The

Chinese wall, right? yeah yeah that chinese wall yeah that'll do tomb rated two the chinese wall yeah it's like the laziest fucking piece of shit hollywood executive in history yeah i mean it's like day after tomorrow thinking like just defile fucking landmarks and we're good definitely and we're good well people want to see big things defiled oh my god what can we do to the fakes you think no so many things Do you think you could see her being badass on a motorcycle from space, though? Is my question. Oh, I hope so.

And she's just doing it assholy. It's not for any reason. Like, hey, let's just get to a place. She's like, cool, I'm going to. And he's not even, he's like, I'm not going to go on the great wall. It seems a tad disrespectful, actually. Did you see that China banned this movie because of this stuff? Well, whatever the languages, though, like that they issued, like, in the same.

statement is insane, because the movie isn't doing any of those. It's not this, but their reaction that they put in this statement is like if this movie played in China, our government would crumble. And you're just like, what are you talking

about? I think they put the same thing out for suicide squad. Yeah, I mean, I think the Chinese government is right there because then their populace would be too stupid to function and suddenly there goes the economy. That's true. China would have a real America on their hands. Yeah, she's like, oh, yeah,

Paul Blart Mallcup. Yeah, that's just so disrespectful to the Chinese people, Jack. Can't do it, can't do it. Yeah, just political reasons. They laugh so hard at Paul Blart. They forget all their trade training and it's all over.

Oh, so then, like, we cut back to Karen Hines and he's fucking torturing a different Chinese guy. Like, this kid is just like the delivery guy with the box, you know, and the orb inside it, this guy like sprays him with something

and blinds him and he's like, yeah, I don't know, maybe you'll get your sight back someday anyway, time to go to the boss. And then like, Kieran Heinz opens the box. There's just a cell phone in it and he's like, where is the orb? And this guy's like, I don't know, I'm blind.

I don't know what's going on. And then he's like, all right, fine, take care of him. And then this kid just gets stabbed in the spine. The move, like if you're, and he's like, oh, he calls Chen Lowe and he's like Well I hope you didn't like your messenger boys Like well I didn't and it's like

I don't know like then just mail a cell phone to the dude Or be like yo dude I'll call you at seven o'clock Yeah what is with all this grab ass And he's like okay I might give you the bar the orb I might give it to Lara Croft Who everybody knows like not Lara Croft Anyone but Lara Croft

And so we go back to our motorcycle shenanigans and they like roll up to this one area. They're instantly found by the Shailing. And there is a fucking hawking the horn the whole time. There is a hilarious thing where

one of these dudes like one of the like I guess sort of main Shailing heavies here who's like you know maybe like Chen Lowe's number one or something is he like kicks Gerard Butler or something and he goes I told you Terry never come back.

Listen, I didn't know that that was a bad bathroom, okay? You've got to mock that better. It is because, like, he ran off with some young woman the last time he was around. He banged the sister of the big guy who's beating him up. Oh, that's right. Yeah, this big heavy dude, it's like, oh, it's your old partner, whomever. And he's like, er. It's picking of faces.

He made off with, like, 200 Ming vases. That was his big hall getting out of this fucking... Oh, that's right. I told you guys. Vases. Yeah. Steal them vases. Well, that's what you do.

Do you steal a bunch of them at once? And then maybe, you know, they don't... They're not able to track all of them down. Yeah. So maybe we should just do vases instead of podcasting. It just seems more lucrative. I think so. I think we should become like super robbers.

Yeah, Dracula 2000 had super robbers. We can't flood the vase market. We can't do that. we get all our profit goes away that would bottom out the vase economy yeah um so i mean this scene is basically like give me the orb i don't have it i'm gonna buy it off you says laura croft

give it to me instead of kieran hines because he's a maniac and whatever it just turns into this huge fight this is when i went to the bathroom to splash water on my face because i was about to i was literally was like that like tired well because the movie doesn't ever ground itself in anything and it's kind of like This fucking MacGuffin. Who cares? They have this big fight.

She makes some mention of like, oh, you know, give me four minutes is what she says to Gerard Butler. And she's in the other room with Chen Lowe. And then like, you know, when the whole deal goes tits up, she starts fighting him. And then Butler is like, has been getting his ass kicked by this huge guy who I recognize he's definitely in that Keanu Reeves movie, the replacements. Oh, really? Yeah.

Potential stay tuned there. She's having this fight with this dude. And he's destroying all of his own terracotta warriors, which he was just bragging about how valuable they are. Yeah. And it's just like, wait. So you're going to destroy like 10 of these fucking things in order to try to subdue her so that you could get a better price for the orb?

Yeah, it just seems like just, you know what, dude? And also like, this is not a guy to double cross anyway. Whatever the price was originally, just take it and move on with your life. Yep, absolutely. So she fucking kills this dude, whatever. and they escape by going down a rope upside down for some reason. Got to do an extreme, dude. Yeah, it was pretty extreme, I have to say.

The rope burn alone, I don't care if you even got gloves on, like just flying down this entire like cliff face on a rope that you're just sort of holding in your hand. Well, like, look, if you do normal rope climbing and put crystal method with guitars in the background, it doesn't make sense. But if you do it upside down that way, totally makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, it's good. Gotcha.

Do the do. Dude, she should be like, and now, Terry, before we have sex, we should have some mountain dew. Oh, yeah. Ah, it's cold red. Oh, if we're going to be doing all these extreme sports, I better wet my whistle with the best stuff on the market. He's like jerking it like Gatorade in between sessions. It's just burping as he goes back to her. Quick, Lara, give me a Baja blast.

I'm going to sugar a shock. I'm going to suck some of that Baja blast out of your belly button. Oh, dude. Mountain dude. Disgusting. No, no, no. We are not doing soda play. Yeah, we are.

Take my breath away. I call it pop play. pop play. Oh, that's the big Billy Bob Thornton, you know, all right, you want to have sex with my wife? Sure. But it's got to be Matt and D-sex. You better be getting into some pop play there, boy. It's going to be a threesome with me and Dr. Pepper.

Oh, my God. Me and the good doctor. Oh, the doctor is in. Maybe I'll just watch and she can just play with Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb. Oh, man, that Mr. Pib, though, he's got some wandering things. And M.MF. 3-some. Mr. Piv, Dr. Pever, and Larrakrox. Excellent. So now we've got to go to Shanghai because the orb is at the flower pagoda or the drop-off is happening there. And they say this as if, and maybe it is, I've never been to Shanghai personally. Is the flower pagoda like a real thing? Is it like a big deal landmark kind of a thing? I have no idea. I would wager. Yeah, I'm fairly ignorant.

Oh, I know. I've been to Shanghai and I don't know because I am ignorant as well. There you go. She uses Google Glasses to get an update from Noah Taylor. Dude, this fucking I-piece thing looks so cheap. Oh, my God. It is just a Google Glass thing, right? Like ahead of its time, it looks like fucking garbage.

That doesn't exist anymore, right? That didn't happen. They gave up on it. I think society was like, you know what? That's a bit much. I will tell you, I was in San Francisco the week it was happening, though, and they were everywhere. Really? Yeah, you just have a bunch of these fucking morons walking out into the street, getting hit by cars.

That's the thing is they, everybody just looked so fucking stupid. And, like, kids were laughing at them. I mean, you look like a dweeb. I saw one dude came into my job where I was working at the time. It was like a vendor, and he had just Google Glass the whole meeting. I'm like, you asshole. Like, yeah. People were waiting for that, like, x-ray spec update for it.

Yeah, definitely. Yep, that's all it is. Dude, maybe I'll see some boobies. Ooh, maybe I'll see some boobies or a wiener with my Google glass. You know, if I could see everyone as a walking skeleton. Ooh, I like that. Yeah, like a Jason and the Argonauts type of Google Glass. I would actually maybe partake.

Oh, you're just so instead of like looking at people, you would literally just be looking at the League of Skeletons all day? Yes. Huh. Maybe. I mean, at least on Halloween, right? Sure. You know, I'm glad that technological interview.

vision failed. So there's like this handoff with Kieran Heinz and the Chenlo's the rest of it's still that same mafia right? It's his brother yeah. Chenlo's dead and now his brother is going to do the handoff and also like

Chenlo or I'm sorry Kieran Heinz you need to park your helicopter and get out like I'm sorry if your friend wants to hang out he has to come inside and say hi to mom first like yep it's just like it's just lead it on the horn being like I'm outside you're in a fucking helicopter. It is so fucking stupid. The biggest, my favorite thing about this scene is that you

reveal, Till Schweiger is in this movie. And he's like the number two to Kirin Heinz. And it's in this moment that it's revealed that his name is a Sean. Sean, I need your help on this. Yeah, you want like a gunner there. Yeah. Michael Kilgore. That's what you want. Now, like, do you think Quentin Tarantino is a big fan of Cradle of Life? Like, has this movie played at the new Bev? I don't know, man. Not too many instances of bare feet in this film. Yeah.

But like Till Schweiger, like, I still, to this day, like, in Glorious Bastards, I'm like, him? Tim. Maybe Tarantino is just a big, uh, SLC punk fan. Oh, was he in that? He was. I still have never seen it. You're fine. It's a super 90s movie.

If you're looking for a 90s era, like, kind of, like, edgy movie just as past the time as nothing can happen, you can definitely do worse. You're saying that Till Schweiger is in SLC Punk? Yeah, he plays, like, the weird foreign friend that, like, wants to, like, he's, like, always on drugs and he's trying to, like, kind of sort of vaguely. I mean, I have not seen that movie since it came out. It's one of those movies I thought was really amazing at the time. And then you're like, oh, it's just this movie. Like, when you watch it as an adult, which is totally fine. I mean, if you like that movie, you're probably right.

But if you like it all, if you hate it, you're probably right also. It's just a funny coincidence because Yonder Bond's like an executive producer of that movie or something like that. Oh, maybe that's where he found him. Small world, small Hollywood world. Uh, so there, you know, again, shit just goes tits up. She's like riding in on this slow moving dragon neon light or something. Because Gerr, Gerba was like, I'm going to use a sniper rifle at a U.A. Oh, no, you're being an extreme asshole.

again. This is why we don't work together. It's not sexual tension. You're just kind of a dick. And like it's just this big old, you know, shootout or whatever. She does a very video game move here

of she does like a pole vault to like throw herself at the helicopter as you know Kieran Heinz is getting away with the orb and she puts a tracking device on the box. and then falls into, like, the back of a flatbed truck. Like, she lets go over the helicopter and falls.

And, like, her and Gerard Butler then do this entire scene where she's just laying on her back and he's sitting there. And I was like, was she actually injured right here? And they were like, all right, we have to get this. Angelina. We have to get this scene done. Jan, Jan, I'm not moving until you clean up this fucking set. Okay? I'm just going to lay here and then get me when you're ready.

All right. We're going to set up. It's a new set of blocking. She's going to lay here. Gerard, you come over at Gerard, right this way. Gerard, you're going to sit next to her. You're going to do the scene laying down now. Just don't fall asleep.

It's very important. Yes, it makes no sense, but we do it anyway. And this is when Kuhnheid's escapes to his super secret underground facility that is in a shopping mall. Legit. It's in Hong Kong. It's in an actual shopping mall. He is fucking making Ebola 20 feet below the food court, and it's fucking hilarious. Any indication of whether or not this is the same hotel that Ed Snowden snuck through way back when? Possible.

Because that was that whole thing, right? He was in Hong Kong, and they snuck him out of the hotel. There was this whole thing in Citizen 4 where he's like, Yeah, and then we had to go through this shopping mall, and it was pretty crazy sneaking out of the Well, of course, the CIA lied about their involvement with the Tomb Raider program. I've had the documents for many, many years, and I've seen

it. And, you know, they'll lie right to your face about Lara Croft. They'll lie right to your fucking face about it. Did somebody say documents? So they sneak into this weapons lab, which, yes, in the middle of them all, pretty hilarious. But, look, I mean, again, you're

fucking, you're a lady foot locker, and then I mean, like, it, I know it's hiding in plain sight or whatever but like wouldn't you want to be on the side of a mountain or something like it's harder to get to well that's why this is like it's so hilarious how much they are really hammering home that this is cheap james bond because it's like where would where would junk bond where would you know the bond you know and it's a palatial estate yes you know what steve said the side of a mountain yada yada yada yada nope shopping mall yeah this this hideout's in a

shopping mall. We're making advanced Super Ebola, but also it kind of smells like pretzels. Oh, no. You went into the hot topic and you picked up the one nightmare before Christmas merchandise that opens the secret passage. No one

ever takes it. No one ever gets the oogie boogie doll. Oh my goodness. You actually pulled a blacklight poster out of the rack and a hot topic. No one ever does that. That's the secret passageway. This is Ed Snow. Do you have a Miss Piggy?

I've just got the carmint here and then the police car is right through this. And so they find out that you know, Karen's dudes are decoding this orb in a lab like much faster than her two turds were able to do. Yeah, because they've, she

like took a picture of the orb so she only has like 30% of it or whatever and they're like oh, it's like sound waves, I think. And it's like, I don't know what that means. I actually do not know what that means. And it's not like sound waves either. It's just, it doesn't like, it's, they're saying something about like the orb is a key and there's sound waves on it. And if you translate those sounds, it decodes everything, I guess. Oh, I just play outcast, hey, yeah, and it will wake up, you hear?

I also just love the whole like, oh, it's a map. It's a key. Like, like, let's combine these two. If it was an actual, it would be cool if it was an actual map that it could open a door. Yeah. Something. A map that the audience could like. look at at one point and be like

oh that's kind of that thing as opposed to like it just changes and it's like CGI nonsense. Yeah like a really weird looking bowling ball this is when yeah she they break into his facility and he like has to go on an errand for some reason

I think he's going to get lunch is that what's happening Kieran Heinz is I don't know that he's like caught up yet or something I don't know why he's behind them he fucking left first No, he's there. He drops it off and he's like, well, now I have to go. Oh, really?

Take my mother to the bank. My elderly mother needs errands that must be ran. It's going to take all day. Every time, every time I tell her to call the taxi service, she calls her McDonald's. It has to stop. It has to stop now. Yes, mother, I will take you at 1130 to the chemical bank so you can make your deposit. the chemical bank was right here last time you lost lady

excuse me lawcroft i have to go she's out on broadway street again just wandering around kill her please that was one of my favorite Seinfeld things when when the gags when the whole like you lost lady and then he's just like now the chemical bank moved down to the fifth avenue and it's so great here's how to get there he's like what is it's like oh go down there, ask for Mr. whoever is. He'll treat you right. Yeah. Yeah, so they

come back in and he's like, oh, no, I shouldn't have taken mother to the bank. Kill her. Yeah, there's more action-y stuff happening here. She's shooting stuff. It's sort of fine, I guess. None of it looks like anything. The last movie was

it was bad because it was super matrixy. This is just sort of nothing. But at least in that first movie, you're in like a lot more action takes place in a lot more exotic places and like for this big scene because like there's tons of shooting and all this stuff going on people are getting

laid waste to here but like you're just in this chemical lab it's just again it's fucking junk bond it looks like Mission Impossible but Mission Impossible too that's low Chris I'm not kidding they wind up

there's some weird thing where like they're going up the side of a building on a construction elevator because Gerard Butler it's got to be a dub like they get off this elevator and he is dubbed like speaking Chinese to this woman oh yes

his voice is so high yes it's definitely higher and you're like that's not fucking Gerard Butler dude let me try to oh you know what just hey on can we just call quits on this one doob me you gotta dupe all right you're going to doob my wife

I'm going to put out my little chair here and this is where man speaking of her wearing the fucking Vin Diesel coat in triple X this fucking squirrel suit base jumping crap what a waste of fucking time to get on a boat why did you just get on the boat here's the thing there's a garbage line here where he's like

the boat's two to three miles this way or whatever and she's like cool you know the far anyone's ever gone in this is one mile and he's like ah now i know that guess what's gonna die yeah but then they just do the jump and it's totally fine and you're like well what did you say that for them like there should be some like malfunction or something or like his fails and she's like holding him till they get to the boat well you get to know that she just set a record she sent a new records and she's cool and great oh whooppy whoa Gerard Butler's there from the Guinness book.

And there is just, we are... This movie somehow is under two hours long. By not a lot. It's like an hour and 57 minutes. But there is just so much fucking squirrel suit footage right here. We're really proud of it because it's a practical stunt. They really did it. Or, I mean, like, not under the boat,

but they really got people in squirrel suits in Hong Kong. So, you know... Screw the, yeah, screw these squirrel suits. Call me when you get a record. suit like Mario Brothers. Yeah, totally. Dude, when you can turn into a little statue like that.

What do they call it? The Tanouki suit or something? That sounds right, yeah. Oh, now I want to play Mario. Oh, I'm going to whip you with me tail. I'm in a Tanokee suit. Look at me. I'm a little raccoon.

Here we go. Oh, he's shooting fire now. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Now he's big. Yeah, I'll have to wear this frog suit on the wall. water you understand metal cap mario and by that i mean gerard butler can move i love uh he they get to the boat and he gives this guy and he's like thanks for taking care of us because i took care of the transportation oh right here's no more than like 60 dollars he goes he fucking

totally low balls this dude he's like he's like ac what did we agree to 200 dollars and you hear the guy he's like, it was actually 300. And I was like, anyway, dude, that's not enough money to be like a crooked boat man. It's got like 15 grand ahead or something. At least $15,000 ahead. No doubt about it. 300 measly bucks. It's like he's paying for a fucking confirmation dinner. It's a big stack of hundreds. Like, all right? You know, make sure the entrees come out on time, pal. Confirmation dinner. I understand it was family style, but I feel like I'm paying your whole family here. Are you ripping me off?

Hold on, hold on, we didn't have four bottles. Don't pull that shit with me. So they're on this boat and he's like, ah, here's your orb. And she does this garbage, like, you know, you could just steal this right now. Why aren't you stealing this for me? Why aren't you being a piece of shit?

Well, that's his thing is like he betrayed his team and her at some point. So she doesn't trust him, even though she keeps trusting him. And also, like, the movie keeps reminding you that she doesn't trust him. And I'm like, I understand. I was there in Kazakhstan when you made the deal. And it was all up front right there.

But they keep going back to it. And this is, like, one of the first ones. And then, like, it just devolves into them. Like, they might be fucking on this boat. And then she, like, handcuffs him or whatever. Not before. Oh, yes. For at least 30 seconds.

Oh yeah. It is really something. I could not believe that. I could not believe what I was watching. It was in my contract. Ah, suck on me, nipples. Just one bite. Half my salary, but she bites. She bites.

I mean, I do, but it's like interesting because, you know, that doesn't happen often in movies. Yeah, suck on them man titties, dude. Whatever. But, like, it just sort of doesn't do anything because it's not even as sexy. immediately she puts she handcuffs him

to the bed and he's like oh now we're getting kinky or whatever he says I think it's something where he's like ah a little weird but okay

I draw the line at pegging I know you you guys keep going keep going my wife I'm just literally a bunch of shit right now don't don't forget about the man titt

no no we do have time for pegging we have time for pegging you want to get your rig on don't forget work those nipples he didn't bring he didn't take those out for air now

there's popcorn's great and so there there is a fucking garbage line right here because she's like getting ready to take off and he he says something and she goes I'm not leaving because I can't kill you I'm leaving because I could

and I'm like well he's like I can't trust you can you not trust me or can you trust me too much you're afraid of letting anyone in a lot of craft I love ye

I want to madder you Oh man Do we have any Scottish listeners I hope so I like Tana Scottish listeners I just hope that they don't hit our guts No that's I think What I've noticed at least from the internet

And by the internet I really just mean Twitter Is a lot of folks Love laughing at how absolutely fucking dumb we sound And don't worry Scottish people We don't think this is how Scottish people sound This may as well be a cartoon show

here with the voices we do. Everything we do is dumb and like all of our voices. Now, you know, to Scottish audience that yes, we sound very stupid. But to American audience, we also sound stupid. Yeah, we sound stupid to people all across the globe. It's totally fine. That's what we got sentenced to

screenplay school, guys. I'm telling you, there is something to this one. Definitely. This one has to go beyond a funny poster. I mean, this one has to be something. We got to do screenplay school. And it is, we are sentenced by a judge to teach other kids, younger people.

That's exactly what it is. My favorite part of the movie here is when you get a Mandarin-dubbed, maybe it's Mandarin, maybe it's not, I don't know, SpongeBob SquarePants broadcast here in what, I think if you looked this up on the DVD menu, this chapter is just called 15 minutes of inconveniencing and innocent Chinese family. yeah i don't know what what what like she can't go to she can't go to a hotel and rent a room and like do this her own self why don't you find a chinese radio shack like what why are you bothering these

people is around the time she invents zoom yeah pretty much like she she steals so she sees this boat and there's like a satellite dish on it so she's like okay perfect i can inconvenience these people and kind of scare them and she like just goes into the cabin of this boat and is like hey mind if like we watch TV together and these three it's like a you know a mother a father and just this little girl and they're all like shit scared because there's this like you know crazed looking white lady with a bad spray tan fucking just jumped onto their boat here she does have a bad spray tan in this movie by the way it's awful oh for sure um so yeah she uses their satellite and the television and she's doing a couple of magivary kind of moves here

and basically, yes, she invents like video conferencing from scratch. puts like a tennis ball and a paper clip together and then all of a sudden, Zoom. She literally uses chewing gum that the little girl is using. You got her, McGruber. Check, McGruber.

Oh, man. Noah Taylor just comes in with celery sticking out of his ass. Better movie, honestly, if that happened. But yeah, Noah Taylor's basically like, okay, cool. you know send me the rest of the markings from the orb and I'm like we are still dealing with

this orb I cannot believe it but then it turns into this big projector of like Africa and like it just it's so silly looking it doesn't look like anything like it would be kind of cool if it was like it like spelled Africa in some certain certain way or like there was an old you know hieroglyph of something you're like oh that's you don't even but like to just like cut to B roll of Africa of the fucking serengetty. It's just bullshit. It's so weird. I mean,

it looks like Nat Geo's like first streaming service. Yes. I mean, it's so crazy. And the only thing, I mean, because there's nothing that says anything,

but like, she notices like Mount Kilimanjaro at one point. And she's like, well, that's it. We got to go to Africa. There it is. After like five minutes of like,

elephants like bathing in the water. And I'm like, what are my, and what is this even at all. Like, to see all this shit, I need to see her, like, doing peyote prior. See, and that would have been cool. Like, oh, like, you know, put this ancient

root in some water and make tea with it. You'll see, like, the vision of where you need to go or something like that. Like, get out of this James Bond Hacker's techno-thriller crap. There was this godly voice talking at me. It's David Attenborough. And Loracoft

is safe for now. I think that orb gets HBO Max because my Roku doesn't. Thanks for fucking nothing. Wait, what is going on? I can confirm this. I also have a Roku and you cannot get HBO Max on it because they have not finished the negotiations with Roku. Oh, that's a bummer.

Lara Croft's going to see that Seth Rogen show before you guys are. Seth Rogen's show. American Pickle. He's playing himself and then his ancestor. I don't know. All right. I got a follow-up question for Chris Cabins. He seemed to be pretty knowledgeable on this subject.

So Seth Rogan's in a show called American Pickle where he goes back and sees his ancestor. So he is... Is that a cucumber? He's a worker and he falls into a vat of something and time travels to the current day where he meets his like descendant of many, many, many, you know, decades later. And like they team up. And they're both played by Seth Rogen? They're both played by Seth Rogen.

Hachimach. I think it would be a movie, actually. I think it's a movie? I think it's a series. Is it a big Hollywood movie? No, Wikipedia says it's a film. Oh, is it? Okay.

Well, then, yeah, but they've been pushing that quite a lot. Gotcha. So, Cabin, you have this or no? I do not, but I've seen the HBO Max's promo for it a bunch. I see. Hold on a second, boys. You're taking out of an American pickle. You better get comfortable in my chair here.

I'm going with my wife. I'm just saying I need it before this fucking Snyder coat gets released because we're going to do something with it. Oh, absolutely. I think we got some time, though, for that. Oh, the weird thing here also is, you know, Noah Hawley's like, or Noah Hawley, Noah, what is this fucking guy's name? Taylor?

Taylor, yeah. Noah Holley's the Fargo guy, right? Yep. This guy played Hitler opposite John Cusack and Max. Oh, yes, of course. Yeah, that was like the, you know, pre-Rike Hitler. Hitler Begins. Yes, it was Hitler Begins, yeah.

My favorite scene was when John Kusack brought that boom box to the Reichstag. That was the source of the fire, dude. Yeah, exactly, because he brought the heat with those jams. Hitler's having all sorts of fantasies about dancing cartoon hamburgers or whatever the fuck. Oh, I'd watch that. so yeah so Noah Taylor like he's being like a bit cagey on this video conference call

and she's kind of like why are you even questioning what I'm asking you to do you fucking employee in mind like just send me the thing you know I wanted it yesterday asshole big time and it turns out that like

whoops there's uh Kieran Heinz and all of his dudes like with a gun up to his head you know just off camera so now they know that everybody's going to Africa for the third act of this film. And you know what? Too little too late here. If you got Juman Hansu in a movie,

man, I need this guy up front. This dude rules and it's like the last 20 minutes of this movie is all he's in. This is an absolutely different movie. It's not even close to what we were watching for the last 90 minutes. It's not even close. And so Juman Hansu is playing Kosa, who's kind of

like her man in Africa, you know, contact on the ground kind of a thing. Yeah, it's kind of like the Joe Don Baker to James Bond a little bit. Yes, yeah, absolutely. An attractive Joe Don Baker to James Bond. Yeah. Lara Croft. Larry Croft.

What are you doing, Africa, Lara? What am I doing? Great question. Yeah, I do not like it here. I will tell you that. And I will not tell you why, but you guessed it. You got it to get some archaeologicalizing going, don't you? Wait a second. That's Joe Don Baker with my wife. I better get real comfortable in his church. Dude. This one's going to take

a long time. Oh, you got a big old nipple on that one. How you doing? How you doing? Look at all them big old man titties there. You're going to suck on them big man titties. I would like the idea of like Joe Don Baker has one big nipple. Like in the center of his

chest. It's one giant nipple. This is awful. Yeah, he's a character from Dune. So she meets up with a bunch of other African dudes here. And they're telling her to drop this orb go fuck yourself get out of here

it's the Indiana Jones conundrum she's like listen I need to get there before the bad guys get there and it's like no no no no no no you are going to bring the bad guys here just leave it alone and we'll be fine it's been hidden for thousands of years it'll still be hidden

yeah if you didn't start rooting around through shit in the first place but then how did we find it well then you don't have to because you don't need to Leave it alone. But we have to find it, right? I mean, because if you don't find it, how do you make money on?

Yeah, I don't understand what you're talking about here. We have to find it. And it needs rating. And so, you know, she's like, hey, man, I'm on your side here. I'm trying to prevent these dudes from fucking up your shit. So this dude's like, all right, well, the land beyond the canyons is where the shadow Guardians are, but that's where you need to go. And I'm like, I'm sorry, did you just say

Shadow Guardians? Yeah. Boster Valley. Like, set, start, do the whole movie in Africa, make it, make it a continent trotting, and then actually develop this idea before you presented

to me. Yeah, exactly. So, you know, they're like, all right, look, you seem pretty cool, Laura Croft. 20 men are going to take you, like, only as so far as like, you know, the base of Kilimanjaro or whatever it is. But then immediately, like, they're on the hike and one dude is like, you know what,

Laura Croft, you're fucking all right. You're pretty cool. I believe that you are here to help my people. So I'm going to go with you all the way. And then like the 19 other dudes are like, did he just volunteer us to go the whole way with this lady? Hold on a second. Someone's going all the way with my wife.

Better sit down to this folding chair I brought with me to Africa. Joe Dawn, you don't have to keep waving at me. You can just keep on going with Angelina there. Just don't. You don't got to do that. The whole point is I'm not supposed don't pay any attention to me. I'm scum. You understand what I'm saying? You do. You do you. Here we go. Here we go, Joe Don. Listen right

here now. Listen real clear. Uh, every time you look at me, I go limp. The point is, I'm to be rock hard through all this and then do nothing about it. You understand? Hey, Billy Bob. How's the popcorn? See, now I lost it again, Joe Bob. Either avert your eyes or spit on me. All right? That's all I'm asking.

Joe Don, you've been in one or the other. You've been in ton of movies, right? You don't want to spike the camera. I'm the camera. All right? Do not spike me. I might have Angelina Spocked me later, if you know what I'm saying. You remember your movies? I would like to walk tall right now. You just keep on fucking my wife. Remember that...

Get that joystick out. Remember the hottest sex scene in cinema history, the sex scene in Mitchell? Yeah, that's what I'm trying to get going right here. Yeah, and don't look at me because now I'm going to be doing some blood magic. I got my wife's vial of blood. We're going to do some blood magic. And then in the... absolute most

terrible turn of this movie is like all the fucking white people land again via helicopter and just murder all these African guys straight up murder every last one but the headline name of Jimon Hansu gets to live but every one

of these dudes is executed by machine guns they're being mowed down by machine guns thankfully a few do stab some of these dudes yeah that's nice yeah you get to see like well it's actually it's well it's It's Karen Hines, but then also, like, there are a couple leftover Chinese dudes still hanging around.

I did say they're all white guys. Definitely not. But either way, a couple of them get some, like, spears right to the heart. Pretty fucking cool. Meanwhile, and then she's like, oh, I'm not going to get the idol. And he's like, uh, uh, uh, those two nerds you have. And first of all, the move here is you got two nerds. You kill one.

Yep. Sure you mean business. Yep, exactly. Absolutely. And like, you know, Noah Taylor's the, I think, sort of bigger name here. kill other guy. Hillary.

What's his name? Gary? What is it? I think his name is Hillary. Oh, that's right. Kind of like Sir Edmund Hillary. You just throw his head out. Like, it's like Noah Taylor and he's really devastated.

And you just roll the head towards like a fucking soccer ball. Gentlemen, we are making a better Tomb Raider movie right here. I mean, that would actually make it mean something. Suddenly, some people mean business or whatever. But like, because in this movie, it's just, you're just fucking playing in the backyard with plastic guns the way this fucking unfolds. You're absolutely right. There's no stakes.

With consequence. No, no, no. I just called out the Dark Guardians. Like, what does that mean? Don't worry. A million points. I win. Yeah, so then there's some weird thing where Jermon Hansu's like,

yeah, over that way. Yeah, that's where it is. And he's like pointing them to the Shadow Guardian area. And right around here for absolutely no reason other than he was kind of in the movie for like the first half, Gerard Butler like, you know like lands back in the film saves the two nerds and then like uh one of them is like oh well i know how to fly helicopters because i played a lot of like flight simulators yeah snow and taylor oh yes you're right um and i want to see actually really quickly so this was aught three

when does a certain film call so three years later snakes on a plane comes out and keenan thompson's character in that movie does the exact same thing at the end you know what else came out three years later. My movie, The Astronaut Farmer. Now, what is that movie? You seem to be hung up on the Astronauts. I don't even know. I've never seen it. But I just know it's a Billy Bob Thornton movie from The Oaths, so I keep mentioning it. There you go. So we're going into this, like, sort of, like, cavernous area. And then, like, they cross a certain line, and all of a sudden you're in, like, a Tim Burton

Nightmare Land. Everything's, like, purple and black and cloudy. You wish that this was Tim Burton, that man. these fucking brown fucking face things that come out of the ground what are they called are these the guardians these are the shadow guardians

and this is where the movie you're like what is this movie doing because like they go into this it's like a haunted forest basically is what it looks like and they're walking through and there's some sounds

and whatnot and like there's a couple of like monkeys hanging around like in the background I'm like oh that would be awesome if all of a sudden it turned into like Congo and all these like animals

started murdering them that would be pretty sweet but then like You see all the monkeys like fucking shagging ass to get out of there. And you're like, well, what's going on? And then like these shadow guardians turn out to be these tree monster things. They come out of trees. They look very much like, if you remember the cartoon and the comic, the mask.

Oh, no, the Max, rather. The MTV is the Max. Those like black things that haunt him. Anyways, somebody liked that somewhere. So I'll just leave that alone. Yeah, I don't know, man. I didn't tune into a lot of liquid television, Steve. Is that on HBO Max?

Oh, God damn it. I would. No. Just buy an Apple TV. Then you can get it. These reminded me of that famous cartoon, The Brown Nothings. Because that's what they do. They just fucking bring you into another dimension and that's it. You know what they kind of look like? And I, oh, exactly remembered now. I thought I wasn't going to be able to pull it. They look like the design of when you go to, of course, I'm talking the Super Nintendo or was it Nintendo 64, whenever Turtles and Time came out. out. That was Super Nintendo.

Yeah. Was it super? So in the level where you go prehistoric Turtlesaurus, that one, there's like those clay monsters or whatever. Kind of, yeah, yeah. These sort of like just amorphous blob things that kind of look like a person but not really. And they just start laying waist these. I mean, these are outright monstars

now in this movie. Yep. They look like, it looks terrible. And it's just like this isn't the movie. Like, remember when we were fucking hacking the chemical plant that was in mall. Like, come on. Now there's these little shit monsters. The first one, there was like statues that came to life that they had to fight, but it was all

sort of within the realm of what we were talking about a little bit. Yeah. No, it definitely was in the, you know, like, that's what I said in my letterbox review is like, I understand there's magic in that first movie. Yeah. But it's all magic that is like, you know, feasibly within the world that they've built. Yes. And in this movie that's like, you know, like we've been saying like junk bond to all of a sudden be like here's this magical forest in africa where there's these fucking monsters that come out of the ground the fucking statues like had spears that could kill people like they just delete characters yes that's what these things do they just take them out of the movie that's all they they don't rip them in half or anything they they get till schweiger

pretty good oh yeah yeah yeah at the end they start doing it yeah he's got a good death um but like the way that they all set it up is like they're walking through the forest and there's one tree with, like, oil dripping out of it, and this dude's like, how about I put my hand over this? And I'm like, hey, man, how about you not touch that oily tree? Oh, yeah, the Ewarks had an oily tree that would give them special healing powers. No, no, no, Joe Don, I'm going to be an oily tree in one minute right here. Oh my God. An oily tree.

Leafing off. So I wanted to tune into their Tomb Raider, Cradle of Life. episode and then it was just all this weird shit where billy bob thornton was getting cucked by i believe joe dun baker who was fucking angeline and joe lee yeah i that was something joe down baker had one nipple in the center of his chest for some reason i'm a saw a nipple shot clop's nipple good old single nip jodon we needed to talk about something this movie is nothing so it's it's literally like here in my notes I just wrote holy shit so you know we kind of we get past all this she of course is like oh yeah

these are a lot like Tyrannosaurus Rex just don't move and they can't see you okay excellent was that in the orb was that in a Greek fable where are you pulling this from I think she just like notices that that's what's going on the power ball she just chucks it down there powerball oh what's the in the game from American Gladiators. Oh, maybe that is Powerball. You know what's funny? Is in my re-watching of that on Pluto TV,

by the way? And hey, Pluto TV, why don't you buy some fucking ad time here, man? I mean, we've been plugging you all summer. I have not had any Powerball episodes of American Gladiators yet. I can't believe it. I was actually thinking of the lotto. Oh, yes. Yeah, very similar.

Yes, yes. Very similar, Andrew. Shut the fuck. No, no. I mean, they sound the same. Powerball is a real thing. And if you beat American gladiators, it's kind of like winning the lottery. That's actually true. So we get to the cradle of life. Gerard Butler drops in from a rope somewhere. First of all, Till Schweiger gets schweigered.

You know, Richard Schiff got shift. Schweiger gets swigered, dude. I think his head gets ripped off. His head and everybody's got a limb kind of a thing. But this is exactly what I'm talking about, though. Like, especially because here's this scene that's set, like, it's lit very dark and so on. Like, I want to see this dude's guts falling out. You know what I mean? Like, really tear this dude up and show it to me. Why not? Not going to have it. Show it. Show me.

Show me this dude's fucking dead ass. I want to see. This is a movie where this ends with Angelina Jolie, like, taking it to the hoop and like putting, like, that's it. That's what the orb is. It's a basketball. You're totally right, dude. She finds like this, it's like a column with a hole on top of it. And you're totally right. She does a slam dunk and like the thing opens up or whatever. She's heating up. Oh, Till Schweiger's out. He's out. Oh, yeah. That dude is dead. And somewhere Danny DeVito, the cartoon is like, no, they beat my monsters with his gross sandals. Oh, man. So yeah, it's basically all that the folks that are left. now to go down into this

cradle of life are Angelina Jolie, Karen Heinz and Gerard Butler. What is the deal? Why does Jemann Hansu not go down for the final mission here? What's he do? Because he's alive at the end of the movie. He kind of disappears. I don't know. Like what happened to him?

I think there's something about like he doesn't want to disturb the God. Like that's their whole argument against her going in is like you're going to disturb our God and she's like I'm sorry, but I'm going to disturb your God. There's money. Come on. Well, see, he's not a fucking idiot. Yeah.

And I think he goes off at that point, right that. Gotcha. So she, you know, they're all down there or whatever. And it's this weird like MC. Escher's shit where like time and gravity mean nothing and you see them like walking.

You know, one of them will be upside down, walking in the distance while another one is right side up and another person sideways. Like she says something or Jim and Hunts who says it's like, oh, it's like where the land and the sky meet. and nothing is as it seems or something, something, something. And again, I'm like, this needs to be earlier in the movie if it's going to happen, guys.

And if you're really trying to wedge it in like this, just do us all the kindness of making it so I can see what's going on. Why don't we, you know, it's Tomb Raider. Where's a torch? I don't like the fucking thing. Like, I can't see anything. Yeah, that's a problem. That's pretty dumb. Dude, all I'm saying is it's pretty dumb.

I'm going to turn on this little desk lamp I brought. see everything to see things better it's also good for me taking notes so Pandora's box essentially functions like the box

they put in the water to bring Superman back in Justice League it just starts bubbling a deathly ooze around it well apparently Pandora herself

cried tears that turned into black acid oh Jesus fucking you tell me history scholars but I don't know I don't know about any of that dude

but what I know is there's a part where like she's fighting Karen Hines and she oh no they're not fighting he's like you got to reach down and get it and she's like oh I can't reach it and he like rips her shirt and like makes her like you know lean farther

kind of a thing and her hair falls in this acid pool and it's just like burning off and I was like oh my god the smell of burnt hair right now I can't even come on it's disgusting. The ending is weird

because she's been fucking flip-flaping all over everybody kicking the shit out of anyone that looks at her cross and then at the end Kieran Hines just kind of roughing her up a little bit and I'm like this guy's a fucking fat nobody it makes no fucking sense dude she has been kicking ass like all the way back like from when

they were fighting the triad guys and everything like yeah there's no way that this fat business man is you know getting the best of her you should have built up Tillschweiger more make him the number two have a big fucking fight with him and Laura Crawl. That makes sense. Larra Croft

versus Sean. But like or if there's a scene in the beginning where like Kieran Heinz is blindfolded and three assassins come in and he takes care of all and I'm like oh shit that guy is fucking crazy. Right. You know what I mean? Like that would make sense. I'd be like

okay that guy shouldn't be fucked with. He can maybe roughhouse with Lara Croft. He's got a scary voice. He's got like he definitely has confidence and like I could see being a little scared but like he also looks like he takes metamusel. Like I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, so much I can get from this guy. Uh, so after their big dumb fight, Reese, uh, the Kieran Heinz character

falls in this acid gets a little, uh, Pirates of the Caribbean looking here. I was thrilled because I was like, oh, did they, did he just fall in the acid and that's it? But no, he comes out and he's screaming up a storm. I'm, all right. Yeah, it becomes kind of going to, Skellington, right? Yes. Yeah. I mean, it's, well, first he's like, you know what it kind of looks like is when Kevin Bacon like kind of starts going invisible in the invisible man. Yeah, yeah. I wrote

down 2-1,000's death. Yeah, oh, big time. Is that what that Kevin Bacon movie is called? Is it the invisible man? Hollow Man, that's right. That's pretty much episode, by the way. Yeah, yeah, I knew I wasn't correct there. So, yeah,

so he's dead, is the idea. And there's, like, she is saved by Gerard Butler and there's like a thank you and dude we didn't mention it the scene on the boat but it happens again here

the tongue kissing between the two of them Steam City they're doing yeah uh huh yeah you can talk no you can talk here my wife is cool dude

yeah no yeah you don't get some more the crew members over here is everybody watching yeah she does what she does and I do what I do but the thing is

when she does I'm in the room that's how that goes Yon quarter the salary she gives me tongue I'm trying to think so let's say we're making this movie in like 2002. Are they still married? I think so.

They got divorced in 2003. Oh, excellent. Maybe because he saw this movie and it was like, you know what? I'll wear your blood, but this movie was awful. He saw it being made. He was there with a folding chair. It's like I like seeing you with hot guys, but that guy's too hot. I do like that the folding chair is part of the fetish. You could get a nicer chair. No. Question about the folding chair

situation. Sure, sure, yeah. Is he A.C. Slatering that thing? Oh, you know, it's tough because the genitals would be out in either scenario. But he's not allowed to take as gentle as out. He's getting cucked.

It depends on what the, what the pre-rules are. Yeah, different c culled rules or different couples. I mean, I could seem like either starting with it, A.C. Slater, to like, dry hump that that nylon or whatever it is or maybe

finish with it actually. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, he's finishing with the AC Slated chair flip. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it could go either way to warm up those knots or maybe bust it. Finish him. Turns the chair. I do

love, uh, or not, I don't, I hate everything. No, but he's like, Gerard Butler is like, oh, it's very much, uh, that part in, uh, last crusade, when Ilsa, like, grabs the, the chalice. And it's like, oh, no, we can't do that. We can't leave with this.

It's like, oh, cool, we've got Pandora. And the weirdest part about it is like, yeah, A, Pandora's box. It's got a fucking world-ending virus in it. And she's like, no, you idiot. And he's like, no, but think about it. We could get a lot of money for it. And it's like, what money do you need with this fucking magic hell box? it's so dumb and I think like

there is some mention of she has negotiated he's gonna get like five million yeah it's yeah five million bucks right so like come on it's just it's so dumb and so like they you know a big fight and you know he's like you know

you'll have to kill me because I'm taking the box he hits her in the he punches her in the face or slaps her in the face rather or whatever it is and then he's like but I love you and then she shoots him in the stomach and it's like yeah, dude. Like, I don't know. Here's the thing. I love the fact that she murders

him in this movie. I think it's a great turn. You know, they're not like fucking in a raft somewhere at the end of the movie. Yeah. You know, like... Oh, she's going to fuck my wife in a raft. I like that. Oh, wow. A little water play, huh? You get out on the high seas. Fuck my wife in a raft, yeah. You know, I'm going to have to get a photographer

out for that. I got to get some stills, some stills for some... I will be in a relationship raft with a photographer. By the way, it turns out green was the virus. Oh, there you go. I'm kind of surprised she doesn't feature our Butler to the ooze. Thank you. That's what that was the roundabout thing I was trying to get to. Dude, you have to kick that body into the acid. Yes. There's going to be a skeleton

in there. Yeah, you have to answer questions who likes answering questions. Boop and the ewes. Yeah. I don't know where he fucking went. Oh, are you going to check that acid pit? I didn't think so. I'm going to drag the acid pit. there's a weird thing where like she's tempted to open the box and then doesn't great and also like you can't be fucking around with this thing it's magic she like opens it up a little bit and it's like super light comes out it's like nah you're dead by the way it is out now or whatever are you going to spread it maybe you're asymptomatic but she drops it into the ooze to dissolve it I'm just like okay so it's in the air now yeah I don't know

what's going on, but didn't it come from the depths of that acid pit to begin with? I guess the riddle that we were told by the Bridgman at the start. No, I don't know. Well, speaking of that, though, like, getting back out, you just, they cut and she's like climbing out of the hole and I was like, well, did you run

past all those dumb tree monsters? What the hell happened there? How'd you just get past those guys? I think that they're gone for a little bit is the idea. They're out of lunch with Karen Hyde. One of the monsters. is like, ah, I got to take my mother to the chemical bank. I shit, you know what?

I keep telling her, Ma, just get direct deposit. She doesn't like any of the tellers. She keeps saying direct deposits for the devil. You know, whatever. I mean, there's a thing where she gives like an amulet that had some clue on it who could care, like back to one of these African dudes. And she's like, some things are not meant to be found, blah, blah, blah. And then like the end of this movie, this globe trotting dip shit wannabe bond movie that ends with a bunch of tree magic or whatever that shit was, this whole affair comes to a conclusion with a big old gay joke.

These guys who were not in the movie at all, which is Hillary and Noah Taylor, they're like they're they're they're being done up by the tribesmen there or the ladies of the tribe. one of the one dude's got the dots on his head uh and the other and noah taylor's got a wig for some reason like his hair's not that long right i'm not nuts yeah i don't know what's going on there maybe they had some extensions sitting around i don't know but like another woman's braiding his hair stupid and it's like oh what are it's like oh well it's like some sort of when in rome thing and then like jiman hunts who's like yes but that's for the marriage ceremony it's like wait what what yeah and then they're like they're like they're like looking looking at at each other, like looking back at Angelina Jolie, looking back at each other like,

go, go, go, go, go, gay. Is it, is it, are they supposed to marry each other? Are they were supposed to marry? They're supposed to women. That's what I took it as marry each other because they immediately like hold back vomit and run away. That makes sense. And you're just like, okay, cool, ending this Hollywood blockbuster on a fucking knee slapping dad gay joke. By the way, she said like, oh, don't worry, everything's good now. She, I mean, like, a year later, all the cows around this fucking area are going to drop dead. The goats to, like, all, this is like

a curse that's upon this land now. It's because she didn't kick Gerard Butler into the acid pit. He's just rotting down there and ruining everything. He now haunts the area. Like, P.S. I love you. All right, Angelina, I knew you're going to kick me in the acid, but you've got to find this scavenger hunt, because

I love you so much. PS movie, I love you. we uh we hit credits ending on a song from oh let me check my notes here davy brothers it's super weird because like the movie doesn't have much pop culture pop music in it at all like i think there's maybe one song near the whatever but then this sound the end of it is like somebody's like oh we got to sell a soundtrack so it's this song then it's a corn song yes then it's a was it Cheryl Crow, who's the lady that's after that? There's a ton. Oh, no, it's

going to kill me. It's not Cheryl Crow, though. But, yeah, you're just like, what are you doing? Was it Jewel? Did Jewel do a song for this? Nah, it's not Jewel either. Yeah, that corn song, though, is also quite awful. And I'm sitting here thinking, actually, didn't that first movie end with a U-2 song? It had that huge YouTube, elevation, right?

The remix, yeah. So, like, man, that's a fucking, fall. I guess we didn't budget as much for the soundtrack this time around. And then no POD shows up also in that. I'm trying to find the... Yes, POD and then it's... Oh, Jesus. Alexander Slate, possibly?

Cassabian. Well, there's a Dandy Warhol song that's also in the credits. Got it. Uh, and then, yes, the other song by Alexandra Slate, yeah, is that last one. They cram like four or five songs into the end credits. Oh, yeah, both Crystal Method and Moby. I knew it. I fucking

know it. If you're getting Jonathan Davis out of bed, he should be, that should be the song that Kieran Hines and Laura Croft fight to, you know? Sure. That would have been something. Bottom, chica, boom, chica, chica. You know, they fight each other and stuff. That's exactly right. Oh, actually, apparently uncredited somewhere in the film, there's a saliva song, Steve. Oh, I like that. No, I don't. And filter, too. Oh, boy. There is a filter song. Yeah, uncredited filter song here. Oh, my boy. Excellent. What a great soundtrack. What a great soundtrack. What a

great soundtrack. Great time to be alive, 2003. Seriously. There is a song by I'm sorry, but like there's a song by a band called Contra 1 featuring Shnade O'Connor. Oh, right. Yes. In the Laura Croft movie. Jesus Christ. You know it, dude.

So that's the end of this movie. She has said she'll never play this character again. Alicia Vikander, obviously, is in that you know, reboot whatever that came out, years later. I think she was out from the get-go. I think so, too. Because I think, like, you know, like, the first one she's doing her Angelina Jolie thing, she's being sly

and, like, witty and stuff. And, like, I don't know, she's got energy to it again. It's not a good movie and it's not a good performance either. But at least she's trying in this, it's like, did we cut yet or no? Aside from the part, when she's, like, making out Gerard Butler, that's it. The whole time she's just thinking about how she hates Larry,

her agent, who could not get her out of the sequel clause from the first movie. Exactly. Yeah. It's just like, I mean, and you can just tell like when an actor doesn't want to be there and it's made way worse when it's the star of your movie who's in almost every scene.

But would anyone recommend Tomb Raider or, what is it? Laura Croft, Colon, Tomb Raider, colon cradle of Lincoln. That sounds right. Columnator, colon, colon, the second one. Wait a second. Are we messing around with colons? I better spin this chair around.

No, I would. not um i i find it really i mean like just really perfunctory and just like not at all what this material should have been not that i'm a huge two murder fan anyway but like it's just like we're not raiden tombs uh it sucks uh good chemistry between uh jolly and butler that's about it uh nothing nothing to see here folks uh chris cabin oh yeah really bad don't watch it i mean this is part of like after because the first larcroft did okay right it was a pretty big hit as i remember it yeah it was all right but like after that she is in like it's a real dip like it's that's original sin territory life or something like it taking lives previous episode like oh right i mean it's

really bad uh and this is i think as bad as it gets uh i really hated rewatching this as bad as it gets i like this thing about jack nicholson in this movie now um i'm not going to recommend it either. I would say check out the new one. I remember really liking it when it came out. I haven't gone back. I've been meaning to re-evaluate that really liking. But at least you got Walton Goggins

fucking around. And I think Alicia McHandor gives a shit, which Angeline doesn't at this point. She does more in the first movie, which is better than this, but not by much. Check out our episode on it. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend this either. I also would not recommend

the corn did my time video that she 100% appears in. Oh, boy. Wait, it's not just clips from the movie. She's in it. And the frame grab that they have here is definitely not from the movie because she's got like a completely different haircut. Yeah, no, she's just in this corn video. Angelina, you must touch Jonathan Davis. He's in the contract. Oh, God. Fire that agent. Wait a, wait a second. You're going to be in a music video with a guy named monkey and head. Yeah, I'm coming. That is

Laura Croft Tomb Raider, Colin the cradle of life directed by Jan DeBan. If you want more We Hate Movies, of course, head on over to Patreon.com slash we hate movies. Right now, our We Love Movies episode is out on Raiders of the Lost Ark, ladies and gentlemen.

Pretty big get. Pretty big get. It was a big get for us to decide to do that. But of course, other Patreon offerings like The Nexus, this. Who we got in the Gleap glossary this month, Eric? Bibb Fortuna. Now that is Jabba Du Huts, like number two dude.

You know, it's great dude. Love the guy. It was a big get for us. He was very pleasant. So many gets. And of course, we have the animation damnation on the mask cartoon, which I kind of would watch over this again, I think. Yep. Yeah, probably.

New episodes. It would have to be new ones. new episodes, Chris, you crazy person. Coming to HBO Max. Ah, yes, that's what's going on. And of course, here on the main feed, we hate movies rolls on the summer blockbuster extravaganza continues next Tuesday, Steve. What are we going to be talking about then?

We are going to be talking about. I feel like this is going to ruffle a feather or two. Or two? The Sherlock Holmes movie from 2009 or 2010, probably. I think it's 90. I still have not seen this, by the way. Oh, the Guy Ritchie movie? Yes, the Guy Ritchie film. I turned it off in the middle

in the year of 2010, I think. Here's my relationship with both of those movies. The first one, I saw in theaters alone on Christmas and fell asleep in the theater. And the second one I tried to watch at home fell asleep

about halfway in and then 100% never went back to it. I remember this first movie being real trash, though. it's popular people do enjoy it no is that right i think so why because it's ironman yeah i think it's because you know

people like the the interplay between him and jude law which sure yep that's fine doesn't mean the whole movie's good though you know what it can't be worse than what i saw for this that's actually very true so until next week oh by the way i want to let you guys know if you're like i don't know i like that Sherlock Holmes we're going to be telling you a little bit about what's going to be happening

on this feed in August next week. Just an FYI. Oh, that's right. Good call, Steve. Just a little tease. There you go. So until next week, when we're giving you a little bit of a sneak preview for August,

but also talking about Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. Take it easy and wear a mask, ladies and gentlemen. Spoken. That was a hate gum podcast.