We Hate Movies - S10: Episode 500 (Part I) - Superman III Redux

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

On the 500th episode of We Hate Movies, the gang celebrates the big Five Hundo by re-chatting about two outrageously disappointing superhero movies! First up on part one, it's Superman III! Why did they bother writing a fake rich, white guy villain when they couldn't get Hackman? Why couldn't Pryor turn into Braniac by the end? And what is with that garbage comedy intro? PLUS: Tune in this Thursday to hear the second part of our 500th episode where we chat extensively about Superman IV: The Quest for Peace! WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. Superman III stars Christopher Reeve, Richard Pryor, Annette O'Toole, Robert Vaughn, Margot Kidder, Gavan O'Herlihy, Jackie Cooper, Marc McClure, Annie Ross, and Pamela Stephenson; directed by Richard Lester. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, a milestone is reached. I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Sadek, Eric Siska, Chris Gabin. And this is the 500th episode of We Hate Movies. Hello, we have Hello everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. Holy cow, ladies and gentlemen, here we are the Big

5-0-0. Yeah, man. I've got some champagne here, and by that, I mean, a beer. Oh, yeah, let's crack that shit. I have the champagne of beers. Do you really? Yeah.

Good for you. Thanks. I've got a... I just got fucking beer all over myself. Well, that's totally appropriate. This is episode 500, Superman 3, directed by Richard Lester from 1983.

Now, this is, of course, you may have noticed here. It says episode 500, part one. What could that mean? I wonder, maybe we'll talk about that at the end of the episode, but right now, and by the way, this is like for old school fans, you get it. You get what we're doing right now. Speaking of old school, I thought maybe it'd be fun. Drop in a little audio of our introduction, because this is a redo episode.

It's the first one, episode 500, we're redoing Superman. three, I think it was episode like... I'm looking that up right now. Yeah, what is that number like... 12? That sounds right. Hold on.

I'm going to guess 11. 11? 9. 9. 11? 9. And it was not 911. Hold on. That's just silly.

Episode 13. Wow. 1 3. Oh, shit. Eric, come on up. So I thought it would be fun if we dropped in a little audio of our introductions, not only on Superman 3, but also Superman 4.

Let's give a little listen to that. Hello, I'm Andrew Jupin. I am Stephen Siddharic. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. I'm Andrew Jupin. even say that. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Jesus, we sound like babies. Yeah, yeah. We sound like little children. Churping, chirping birds is what I heard. Which kind of makes,

I mean, that's kind of what we're trying to do with the redo here. I mean, I mean, like I think we've grown quite a bit. I haven't seen either of these movies in 10 years. Oh, I've grown certainly wider. Yeah, wider, more haggard. But yes, the show itself is grown. I feel like that first time around

with Superman, like that's like a 35 to 45 minute episode maybe. Like we couldn't really like, we didn't really have the gas back then, you know? Like it was a lot of like, I'm putting audio from the movie in. to fill time. I think we actually had drank too much gas.

Yeah. And that's mainly why we didn't have the steam. Well, also, it was a different time. We single-handedly invented podcasting, and we didn't know what to do with it yet. And as Malcolm Gladwell, a noted charlatan will tell you, many thousands of hours will make you better at podcasting. And our good friend Drew Stewart, let me pull this up.

By the way, that's why Malcolm, Gladwell is such a great at jacking off. That dude is the best jerk offerer ever. This is, as of the week we recorded this, which is July 25th, we've released 1,073 hours of content. There you go. That's a lot of hours of content. Thank you, Drew and Felipe Sobrero for putting that stuff together. There's a ton.

We've got like, you know, you can get like over 735 hours on the main feed and whatever. the 300 on Patreon right now. So there's a ton of content we've done in these last couple years. It's safe to say we've been doing this for a while. If we wanted to do a Charlie Day, Pepe, Sylvia, like, madness with our own numbers, we could do it.

We could start posting it all over the walls. Not only is this episode 500, but this fall will mark 10 years of this show. That's insane. Can you just like register that for that? That's fucking crazy. I know. So listener at home, think about

all your accomplishments and, you know, your son's going, or daughter is going to school by now and we have a podcast. That's the... You know what? Yeah, your son's going to school. Maybe your son's, oh, maybe your son's going to college. You're a little bit

older. Your son's going to college. We're doing a Superman 3 again. Eric is triggering all these like tree of life reveries. And like, it's just us all looking at computer screens. Someone listening probably like got a law degree in this time and we

watch Superman 3 again. I think we straight up got a letter recently from someone who was like I started listening to your show when I was a senior in high school and I just finished my dissertation last fall or something like that and I was like that's really cool

a slash I wish I was dead but I don't because that's the thing 500 episodes you know what that means also we fucking love doing this we love being able to get silly every week on the air multiple times a week on the air with everybody and so that's why we're still doing it.

That's why we've bothered to come this far, and that's why we fully intend on continuing this ride. Exactly. Yeah. So big thanks up front to everybody who heard us do this one the first time has been with us throughout, or maybe you're just here for a short while, but you're enjoying the ride all the same.

That's cool. I want to inject there, inject, interject there. I'm going to inject you. You're shooting up on the air, dude, again? Well, hold on a second. Let me find a vein. Okay, if people want to listen to the original episodes of, you know, Superman 3 and 4, check out the Patreon archive because you can go back and hear those chirping birds.

And on Friday, you will get Superman the motion picture available. The first one we're doing as a we love movies because that would be fucking rules. And that's really informed. I don't think I was well researched on Superman 3 when we did this the first time. I don't think I just recently watched Superman one because I didn't think to do it. No, we didn't think in terms of that back then. You know what I mean?

Like do some outside screening research to inform, you know, what we were talking about. And that informs so much about what I feel about this movie this time around, this Superman 3, this who, who, who, a lot of meat left on the bone there. I think like just in, it was it just me and Eric that got around to all four movies? Cabin, did you get all four?

I didn't watch number two. Okay. Yeah, I went through all four of these movies. I've been consuming a lot of Superman-related media the last couple days. I closed my eyes and remembered part two, because I've seen that movie a million times. But yeah, I didn't get a chance to get to it. In 48 hours, I watched four Superman movies, and you probably built a house. You saved somebody from a burn...

You actually saved someone from a burning car or something like that. The audience is the super people. I want to just to again thank the audience. Thank you for being with us. Our Amish audience that was building a barn. That's right. We would not, there's no fucking way we would have done. Like, we've done a lot of silly endeavors that went nowhere,

and they all went nowhere and didn't go anywhere. So this is an endeavor that you guys informed us to keep going. Said, hey, we like this. Keep doing it. Hey, here's some money. Keep doing it. Awesome. And that's why we're here, because you people are awesome.

and decided to like us. Totally. There'd be no other reason for me to watch this piece of shit. Excellent segue. Excellent segue. Who is on Superman 3? I've not relisted to these episodes, by the way. And, you know, in, what do you call it there?

In, you know, you watch a movie and then you re-watch, again, it's been 10 years. A lot of shit's happened to me, so my opinions will be different. We probably might retell jokes by accident, I feel, might happen. Eric? Yes. Eric was on number three. I was on number four. That's correct.

I learned that from cutting the intro audio, but I did not proceed into the episode whatsoever. Yeah, that's, that's, I purposely stayed away because I was like, I, you know, if anything gets repeated here, it's totally on accident, you know, but we'll see how we progress and what, what avenues we decide to go down this time around. That's the thing. It's kind of like a choose-your-own adventure. By the way, we had to alternate back then because we had three microphones. That's right. Three microphones. We were a hold up in Eric's bedroom.

Oh, yeah. You know. It was, it was, it was, like, it was, like, a weird, like it was sexy, but poor at the same time. It was very poor.

Can they say something about how this movie starts? Please. I, like, maybe in my wildest dreams, I'm like, I want to see what, like, Metropolis Unemployment looks like.

Maybe when I'm really, really high, I think that's a good idea. However, I don't want my Superman movie to be a Ken Loach movie as well. Like, it doesn't need to be. I don't understand why it starts like this.

That's the thing. Like, have this scene, sure, with Richard Pryor at the unemployment office, but like, I don't know. Could I please see some fucking Superman beforehand? Exactly. The fanfare is not here. It's just, it's him. Yeah, it's very quiet. Like, there's no opening music.

It's just like this weird, like, it's almost like an alternate take from Pelham, one, two, three. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you can imagine that happening. Absolutely. And it also, it comes after, like, this little cold open. So, like, you have this cold open where it's Richard Pryor. He's playing a guy named Gus Gorman. He's sort of, like, perpetually unemployed.

He can't, you know, hold down a job. He's been fired from this, that, and the other thing. And he is trying to, like, get his next week of unemployment. And the woman's like, you cut off. This is a real John Waters' nightmare he's working with here. Yeah, totally. I thought this lady was going to pick up some poodle shit. shit and eat it at the end of this scene i just don't understand why we're even starting with this like

he eventually becomes a computer programmer and it would have been way easier just to start there yeah he just works for robert vaughn in his fucking computer factory and he's tired of getting ripped off by him that's great yeah i guess richard prior the whole angle they wanted to have him be down and out and what and what is the message is it like that did the disenfranchised are easily corruptible under the capitalist system because then they will be complacent and and totally support Earth ending measures for financial gain. I think so, and I think that's why

the movie at the end tries to like, you know, make us a little compassionate for the Gus character here, and Superman doesn't fucking drag this dude to prison like he totally should. But he drags him, and I know we're talking about the end of the movie now, but

he drag, we're, we're mementoing again. We are. He drags him to a factory because you shouldn't have a white collar job, I think it's the vibe. Oh, that's also, yeah, that's also maybe a little something we're saying here. I don't know. Well, we'll get to that. I think Superman's just got a lot of shit on his play. It's like,

ah, you know, you're good here. You're good here, right? Okay, I'm going to get the fuck out of here. This, like, particular week of adventure for Superman, it's, it's an action-packed week socially as well, so yeah. He's got a lot of stuff. I don't know. I kind of, the only, you know, Steve, that makes total sense, too, because the one

time I got apprehended for driving, uh, without insurance, uh, the cop put me in the back of the car, they towed my car, and then the guy just let me out. I'm fun walking on the highway, you piece of shit. What a fucking asshole? Where were you? Up by near Kingston,

New York, or Port Ewan is this town? Yeah. Wait, so he just waited for the towchuck to come and take it and put you in the back of the car for that whole time? Yeah. What did he think you're going to do, steal it back? I don't know. You kiss me being on drugs the entire time, but I was

It wasn't. It was four in the morning, I should add. Oh, yeah, there's that. Anyway, Superman's. Well, the only thing that connects this very long scene, and, you know, somebody, the Salkins loved Richard Pryor. Somebody's like, that guy, mm, that guy. And it's just like a lot of Richard Pryor vamping. And the only thing this opening scene, again, no credits, no fucking space, no John

Williams fanfare, the only thing that connects it to the Superman franchise is they say the word Metropolis and everyone is smoking. That is it. yeah dude i i do appreciate the early 80s everybody's fucking smoking uh i don't know why it's just a nice i don't even smoke tobacco uh but i uh you know i just appreciate that throwback it's just it it colors metropolis in a nice and scuzzy way that i appreciate it's a head-to-head combat for which uh credits suck more this one or four it's this one it's a thousand percent this one yeah oh i do because the credits streak across the bottom of the screen like

shit well because the other thing about when these credits are happening let's not forget is we're watching this like mousetrap-esque bullshit where this babe is fucking walking through downtown metropolis making all these dudes get boners and fall in fucking holes and shit it's so bizarre british nonsense you know what i mean like i know that this is like you know uh richard Richard Lester was in America, but he spent a lot of time in British comedy, specifically with those Beatles movies and all that, like, silly, fun shit that I have no time for. It's like, it's like innocent goofball shit that's like 5% like perverted. Yes, exactly.

A little cheeky one might say. Cheeky, thank you. And, man, I fucking hate that shit. I just hate it. It gets down to like a blind man is now confused and walking around in circles and like stepping on shit and getting fucked up. And it's like, why am I watching this man be abused? Yeah, why didn't you get Benny Hill to play Brainiac? Oh, my God, Superman, Brainiacs running all over Manhattan, looking up women's skirts.

He's grabbing everyone by the Bobby is his brainiac. What an endearing sexual predator. True. Superman dresses as a Bobby and has to hit him with a little stick. Boing, boing, boing. There's one good moment in this, though, and it's the Hot Dog 11 that happened. This hot dog stand gets, like, pushed and tossed into the air or some shit. Oh, yeah, a bunch of wieners go flying.

It's like poor Jimmy Olson's just trying to get some lunch, for Christ's sakes. A lot of Jimmy Olson in this movie, which I appreciate it, actually. Yeah, he gets his due Mark McClure, of course, playing him for the third and third and third to last time. He's also a supergirl. I know, that's what I'm saying, and then he's also in Superman 4, so it's his third to last time. He played this character six times, is what I'm saying. Did he not come back to play CIA, Jimmy Olson? No, he didn't.

No, he was not shot in the face. Correction, though, five times. Superman 1 through 4 and Supergirl, he is Jimmy Olson. Now, here's a thing, is this, speaking to cheeky, is there a cheeky Batman reference right here with all these little robot penguins walking around? I don't know what that was. It's just like, I think it's just silly. And so much of the movie is just, I don't, like, and the first two movies, specifically the first one, is very much, like, the comedy is a comic strip. It's totally for kids, but it's like a wink, and, like, it's folded into mythology, and, like, the jokes are all, like, lived in.

And these jokes are just at the expense of any narrative whatsoever. It's a good joke. They're just evil jokes, because it's like, we're going to fill this car with water, and this person's going to almost drown. Dude, drowning in your own car in the middle of the street. is some real Darwin shit On a sunny day Like a Sherlock Holmes Wouldn't crack that case

Like wait so he was in his own car It was a sunny day And he drowned? Discombobulate What is the Because he like The car crashes over a fire hydrant Yeah

Yeah And then somebody comes up Through the bottom maybe I think And then it just sprays everywhere And if I was in this car With my last fucking breath and energy I would be like

make sure nobody comes to my funeral this is the most embarrassing way to die ever Please don't tell anyone how I died Not my mother, not my father Not my wife, not my kids Yeah, could not find the body How about that?

I really don't appreciate These obituaries that are out there That don't tell you the cause of death Because I'm like, come on What am I reading for? What is more embarrassing Drowning in your own car In a sunny day or autoerotic

asphyxiation. Which would I rather? Oh, which would I rather? Yeah. Drown in my car on a sunny day. You'd rather drown in your car than have a fucking life-changing sexual experience? I believe it would be life-ending sexual experience, actually. I don't know. I'd rather, you know what, dude? I'd rather have a lifetime of mid-level orgasms than go out on one big one man. I have a one big one. So you're, you'd rather have, I guess it's more dignified to drown in a car, but you'd be still It's still stupid. It's very stupid, but I'm not

fucking naked in a closet with a belt around my neck. That's the thing. Here's, maybe I'm being a contrary here a little bit, but I do not want to die. I do not want to meet oblivion with my cock in my hand. Yep, exactly. I absolutely do not want to do that. Do you think something happens? If, if, like, let's

say, you know, like, you know, you go over the other side. Uh-huh. Does, like, St. Peter, like, smack your dick? I don't think St. Peter's smacking anyone's dick, dude. I think you then have to spend a turn it. You're like walking around the afterlife.

Like, oh, hey, Gary. Like, how'd you die? Oh, this fucking bear got me. Oh, yeah. And how'd you die, Andrew? Oh, I was fucking jerking off in a closet strangling myself. They don't hit your dick or flick your dick unless you're trying to join a fraternity in heaven.

They do that shit. Oh, man, chuggleuggedad. Now he's pledging a fraternity in heaven. for Greek life in heaven You got to pledge allegiance to Zeus So Superman sort of barely shows up It's Christopher Eve as Clark Kent Like kind of trying to just go to work

And he sees this dude drowning So he's like oh I guess I'll be in the movie Yeah it's a real sluggish Like all right time to be Superman again But let me first throw a pie in a dude's face Because this babe would have been creamed otherwise I didn't

Georgio Moroder did the score for this I didn't hear Marauder like big sense at all like I was like what's going on here I wonder what was going on there also because this does not sound like he had a fucking finger on any key

absolutely not it's very much like but la da da da da da wow look why would we get Georgia Maraud when we could get the Benny Hill band oh the Benny Hill band

wow they probably like left a lot on the floor with his score. I bet. His Superman transformation here is, I actually kind of like this. He runs into an instant photo booth and then transforms.

And when he comes out the other side, the photos are coming out. And he totally fucking, like, takes the strip of pictures out of this kid's hand and tears off the Superman or the Clark Kent parts and gives it back to him. It'd be cool if he like ripped out the kid's eyes. That's a Zach Snyder.

That's a gag. Zach Snyder movie. It's like, oh, you saw my secret identity. Better rip your eyeballs out. And eat them in front of your mother. Yeah, it's like Batman with the branding. Like, oh, someone's got their eyes ripped out. Superman's been here. Henry Cavill's just

dowsing a living room with gasoline and his eyes light up. He killed their parents. He killed their parents' friends. He killed their people who owed them money. Burn them all down. I work for Cal. The guy in the cape. Did you see?

so we are introduced pretty quickly actually to Robert Vaughn as Ross Webster who's like dude just the fucking poorest poor man's flop house Lex Luthor this fucking character sucks he does he's not good I mean it's Robert Vaughn who's like you know Robert Vaughn is good in like comedies and it's obviously a comedy but like you know like as like the the crusty old dean kind of a dude you know sure he's a shit heel but he's not a villain you know what i mean he lacks the charisma to hold your attention as a villain in this performance anyway yeah absolutely you know he plays a good scuzzball and like bullet i think he's a piece of shit in that movie uh he's he's like some crooked

d a he doesn't have like presence that matches either prior or uh reeve which is an issue and he's a generic businessman like it's kind of like that said he's a generic businessman Yeah, it's like if you took all the criminal genius parts away from Lex Luth and it was just him being good at business. And when we do get his like criminal genius of like doing this fucking weather satellite hacking or whatever, you basically don't see it. Nope. Well, so much of this movie, and again, like the first movie, like the lot, you know, you, it's going to fall apart when you really use logic with that first movie. But again, there's so much other stuff going on there with the cinematography and what the fantasy they're trying to tell you, it's okay. here like stuff just doesn't make sense like stuff

logical leaps happen and you're like well why would that happen with that character he's tried there it seems like he's trying to do like a deconstruction of Superman but he's only doing it like halfway yeah enough so that he can do the jokes but like everything else doesn't really make any sense and like the the it's just kind of setting up things for Superman to do

the evil Superman thing that's a movie that's a totally fine uh oh so Superman happens Superman gets hit with weird kryptonite. It turns him into evil Superman versus Good Superman. Superman versus Clark Kent. That's always the tension. Da-da-da-da-da. But that's not the movie we're telling here.

It's fucking Richard Pryor falling down a building on skis. Oh, we'll get to that dumb-ass moment. But yeah, speaking of things that, like, just happen for the sake of the movie needing to move forward, Richard Pryor, instead of starting this movie where he's just a computer guy who works for Robert Vaughn and it's a computer guy who works for Robert Vaughn and it's established that he's a computer guy he's like an accidental over an afternoon computer whiz because like he sees an ad you know in the newspaper or whatever when he's at the unemployment office that's like oh yeah like computer coding come learn and you can get a job so like he's doing

that and it's this dumb thing where this lady's like hey how do you do this whatever computer function and the teacher's like that's impossible and then richard priors like uh actually i just accidentally did it and it's like what what do you talk what it would just be cool if he was just you know the best computer guy that robert vaughan had and he's always hacking this and that and blah blah blah it's like okay that makes some kind of sense like if we just start with him as a computer programmer it doesn't it it it's it's believable because you have the start of this movie where he's an unemployed dishwasher right and i'm not i'm not trying to disparage dishwashers but But, you know, in the early 80s, you're not, you know, not everyone has a computer, almost no one does.

No, exactly. And it's made sort of explicitly clear when he's in this class that, like, he's there to learn how to fucking use a computer. So, like, clearly he's a novice at it. And for him to be like, beep bop, now I'm just a genius. It's like, why are you bothering? Like, it feels like they're just doing that so they could say at the beginning of the movie, look at this fucking dude who's a dishwasher, and he got fired from a fast food restaurant in 20. eight minutes. I think what happened

he got bitten by a radioactive computer. Oh, damn. Yeah, that'll happen every fucking time. He fell into a vat of computers. Yeah, he met Doc Dos. Oh, yeah. There you go. By the way, Chris,

when you see Doc Dose, you better see Run. C-colon. C-colon slash we're making DOS jokes that's why we came back to do this honestly you guys

missed a couple of DOS opportunities 10 years ago I will say that this movie and another thing about why it's kind of interesting to look at these movies now because like a hundred superhero movies have come out in between these two

and in between the two times we've done this and I will say specifically we kind of in our we did Superman 1 that we love movies first and we kind of we talk some smack about Marvel movies but the one thing

Marvel gets right is brand fucking management. And they would never let some cigar chomping's producer come in and be like, you know who's great? Pete Davidson. You should just get Pete Davidson in the next Iron Man movie. And like, was he going to play like, I don't know, like the leader or some other? No, no, he's just like a Pete Davidson type. He's got tattoos. He's on a skateboard.

It's great. Listen, he's unemployed. It's perfect for a big budget movie. He's an unemployed man who just keeps on being unemployed. Picture this. You got a Superman movie in where Pete Davidson is playing some guy named Dave Peterson. And get this, he's got a bunch of terrible tattoos. Terrible sleeve tattoos. Now, doesn't that sound nice for your Superman picture? And he's smoking pot. And Superman's like, get that pot out of here.

And that's great. That's the movie. I don't know. And Superman does something with computers. I don't give me shit. But the big thing is Pete Davidson's in the movie. what this is. It's like, Richard Pryor's the biggest thing since anything. Just put him in the movie. And we got, uh, and we got Lauren Lapkis as the computer lady at the end. And again, they'd be fine in other movies, but like you have to fold them into actually what the world you're building is. Exactly. Like, it's not enough that, and so the story goes, by the way, who knows what's to believe, but like Richard Pryor at one point said on the Carson show that he would like to be in a Superman movie. And like, it was known that

prior was a Superman fan and he had a Superman bit in one of his old acts where he was he was portraying a dude named Super N-word where he was like the janitor at the Daily Planet like that was a whole fucking bit he had

in his stand-up and everything and like that's all fine but again like if you're making a super a Superman movie like just because fucking Jerry Seinfeld is a fan of Superman doesn't mean you're going to put him in the movie. Oh no I'm the fucking villain! I'm a beat. I'm a B and I'm going to sting Superman.

Look out here comes the big B Superman. Like it's just like, see how dumb that sounds? Like this is just as dumb. It's not a full set. It's a half a cent. Don't you understand? Oh man. The murder hornets that were supposed to come

in 2020. What if they're all just Jerry Seinfelds? Oh, just an army of Jerry Seinfelds. My favorite thing talking about the daily planet is we get there and we find out that Robert Vaughn, Ross Webster, is humanitarian of the year. But funnier than that is that Lois Lane thinks he's hot. Now, Robert Vaughn is a handsome man. But like, Jesus to be like, oh my God, he is a hot number. It's a little much. I think it's just because of all

the insane brain shit that's been happening to Lois Lane over the first two movies, man. Like, sure you know experiencing a horrendous death in that first movie and then having the fucking world turned back and then having that fucking forget me kiss and that second one who knows what brain cancer she has because of that shit so in this movie it's totally feasible that she's like oh yeah look at how hot rapper phone is she gets on she gets on an airplane to nowhere who knows she's confused she's growing she's throwing her bikini and clark kent's face dude this is a whole it's just lowest late like sleeping in a box for the entire movie she doesn't go to Paris or wherever the Bermuda I'm sorry oh right

she's like is it a fugue state somewhere yeah exactly dude she's just like in a fucking Kmart bathroom or some shit yeah the fucking paramedics are trying to revive her on the floor I mean this is it's such a bad see you later movie situation where it's like Marco I mean

Marco Kidder is not in this movie this is a Lana Lang movie 100% you know Lois Lane she does she literally takes a vacation she's in the you know this first Daily Planet scene and then she comes back at the very end that's it and they sort of explained it as like a well you know their excuse was well in the second movie like Superman and Lois Lane like broke up and decided they couldn't be together

so what's the point of having her in the movie and it's like well she's been in the fucking comics for 70 years so whatever just pick pick one don't have her in the movie at all then Yes. Well, the real story or what I believe is there was retaliation because she talked so much shit about Donner getting fired in part two and rightfully so that's also why they punished her kind of a thing. Yeah, I mean, well, it's also why like Christopher Reeve almost didn't come back for this movie also. Like, they were all fucking furious. Was it the Salkinds that directly fired Richard Donner? Yes. Tirds. A bunch of fucking turds. The thing is, is that you know, like, you watch all the interviews from one and two and like everybody's gone.

him Dick Donner, Dick Donner. Nobody called Richard Lester Dick, because they didn't love him. Like, they love Richard Donner. That's a great way to sort of see that, Kevin, totally. There was no Dick Lester there. More like Dick Lesser. He's not as good as Dick Donner.

Speaking of pointless things that you don't need to do in a movie to fill it out anymore because this movie is like two hours and six minutes or something, we have an extended little riff here in the Daily Planet office about Perry White

has to like do a drawing for some gambling game uh jingo bingo which yikes uh yeah you get a free trip to South America dude I love how it's just like

South America like as if there's not a fucking country in there we can pinpoint for these people to go on vacation to you go on the sorcerer vacation it's you a bunch of trucks of nitric glycerin? Get driving. Pedal to the metal. No, we will shoot you if you don't come back with all of it.

No, absolutely. That's the end of jingo bingoes. You might get shot. So, like, yeah, Perry White's doing that. Lois is putting on her bikini before she's even leaving the office. Jimmy Olson is taking, because Robert Vaughn has an assistant who's played by, or a girlfriend who's played by, what's this lady's name? Pamela Stevenson. Laurelis is the character's name.

A buxom sexy lady. And there is just, Perry White's pissed off that Jimmy Olson took all these titpicks essentially. Totally. Well, because she is the babe from the beginning of the movie that's causing all the mayhem. Sure. And that's, I guess, makes it sort of a movie. I guess so.

So you were saying, so Lois Lane, and now it's a Lana Lang movie instead, right? Yeah. And then the next movie, it's Lacey something? Lacey Warfield? Yes. Oh, Warfield. So the alliteration stops there.

Right. Yeah, that's, it's just another example of the continuing decline of that franchise. It's a very subtle name, Warfield. I do, yeah, that's Clark's thing. It's like, well, I was, you know, I was invited to my high school reunion and like, going back to Smallville is a

fine move for part three. You know what I mean? Yeah, but you need to have Ma Kent there. Or like, because, you know, She dies in between, I guess, one and three at some point. Off screen, I think, right? It's a total off movie death because I think in two, or is it in this one? Yeah, it's this one where they're like, because in two, there's no Smallville at all. Yes.

And in this movie, it's like, when he gets back there, it's like, oh, Clark, something, something. You haven't been back to Smallville since your mother died. And I was like, well, fuck you, Ma, Kent. Eat shit off screen, lady. Retaliation. Yeah. retaliation. She talks shit about Richard Lester, so they

made fun and killed her off screen. They burned her as a witch like they tried to do in that awesome Batman versus Superman. And so Clark's whole thing is like, I'm invited to my high school reunion, which is like, it should be fine. Like, hey, Mr. White, I need a week off. I'm going to go back to

Smallville. It's my high school reunion. Not the, hey, Mr. White, you know what's a great story for this nationally syndicated newspaper? Me going back to my home time for a high school reunion who gives a fuck there's it's a cute moment it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's i guess it's forgettable but he holds up the high school sweater and it's got the big ass and it's like oops better not better not show that too much it's a nice funny yeah i like it i could see them posting something like this like on a blog or like maybe

even like a buzzfeed doing something like yeah it's it's clickbait horse shit but like a paper like a paper just with the headline i went back to school and tried to bang my old crush It went okay. Yeah, I got a hand job at the high school reunion. A lot of journalists started that way. Did they? Jake Tapper had a whole article about dating Monica Lewinsky or something. Yes, that's very true.

Yeah, I'm sure David Brooks's first column was something like that, too. I do love, but like, is Clark a columnist? Because in previous films, it seems like he's a crime reporter. You know what I mean? So, like, it's not like, I don't know, I'm trying to think of, you wouldn't follow fucking, I don't know, Maggie Haberman on our high school reunion thank god i wouldn't fucking follow that lady anywhere uh no but i i think

you're totally right but it when you watch these four movies like you it's hard to really figure out what kind of a newspaper the daily planet is supposed to be and my best guess is as much as they think it's like more of a prestigious you know

gray lady kind of a thing this is a fucking new york post rag kind of newspaper it's trash i think it's like national inquirer it's like bat boy found in gotham well that's what that's what like mr warfield tries to make it in the next movie is like a straight up garbage rag like that really salacious and shit yeah but like it just it's but it's so weird they never have a handle on it because it's like yeah Clark is doing this kind of story and then at the end of it like Lois comes back and she's like yeah it just so happened to get

this hard hitting revolution you know while I was on vacation or whatever that fucking story is and it's like why are you two like deskmates like how How does this newsroom work? No idea. Yeah, but he takes Jimmy on this trip, is the idea. Right. They take the bus, so I guess the Daily Planet isn't doing that well. I guess not, because we also learn in this movie there is a smallville airport.

So they could have taken a plane. What do they fly out of their paper planes? Very small airport. There's a chemical fire, so we get out of the bus. And I also love that Clark is just annoyed by Jimmy at this point. point because he's like, oh yeah, Mr. Mr. Kent, my, my uncle and my second cousin is like, shut the fuck up, Jimmy. Dude, it's kind of great because I think it's a real, uh, naval gazing moment for Clark

Kent because he's like, oh, fuck, is this what I sound like when I tell everyone at work about Smallville? He's having like a total re-evaluation of how he presents himself. See, I saw it as that he's going like, he gets out and he does this chemical fire business because he needs to blow off some steam because he was about to laser eye Jimmy Olson. Right down the middle. He's going to boil this kid's brain. He's fucking had enough of it. But so, yeah, the two of them are the only two that get off the bus.

And then it sort of looks like the bus driver leaves them there, which is kind of weird. But so, like, Jimmy is determined to get some good photos of it because Perry White's been busting his balls about, like, the whole thing with the photographing the babe and not getting the Superman pictures and whatever. We get a nice Superman changing in the back of a police car right here. and the guy in the front like just is like back to my sandwich I guess dude it's totally like was that Superman

nah sandwich he goes up to the chemical plant the first of two times in this movie there's a sign that just says acid room oh god the acid stuff is so stupid but one moment here made me burst out laughing they've got a guy running out of this fucking factory

going I'm on fire help me I'm on fire Help me I love it The great Al Matthews of aliens fame Is playing the fire chief here That's good

Dude Al Matthews Has my biggest laugh Of the movie Is because yeah He's like the fire chief And Superman comes up Behind him And he says something about like

You know Oh what can I do here To help out chief And he's like Not much again Oh it's you Thank God Superman

Dude I am laughing Because this guy it's like he could take it or leave it with the appearance of Superman. Wouldn't you be like holy fuck at Superman all of the time? Because not everyone gets to see him. He's always a metropolis. Yeah, it's like meeting

Tom Cruise. You're going to stop what you're doing. Totally. It's like you're out in the middle of nowhere, Kansas. Like, holy fuck, is that Tom Cruise in my hometown? Yeah, but him arriving, it cancels all the overtime for all of his men. So, I mean, that's true. You can't be too excited.

Like, oh, fuck, my boys need the OT. the holidays are coming up. We got a little chemistry lesson here. He goes into the acid room and the guy's like, well, if this acid heats up, it's going to turn into a cloud and destroy everything in its path. And he's like, I'll remember that later, my friend. I got to figure something else out. They run out of water so he freezes a lake.

This is crazy, dude. I bet there's like fucking like campers, like kids swimming in that water. I seriously think so, dude. There's no way he takes the time to make sure there's no one in this water. He's like shaking his mission. And he had to look, I was going to kill those kids. God damn you, Superman. I was coming up on Kill 500.

Or he's in the lake. And he gets dropped onto this factory and that reawakens him. Super Jason. That's how you get to Super Jason. That's a versus movie I'd fucking watch. Man, Superman v. Jason? Absolutely. And hey, I think now that if I'm thinking of everything correctly, where all the rights are,

Warner Brothers, I believe, now has, Friday the 13th and they still got Superman. You could make it happen. I like it. It's the fucking X-Men in the MCU, dude, let's do it. And they both love their moms. There's a lot in common. Who would you have in that fight? It's got to go to

Jason versus Superman? Yeah. It's Superman, but Jason's uncillable. And the thing is, it would, like, he would, Zuma would, like, knock his head off, like, fly all the, you know, the head would fly away. Six years later, Jason comes back. He's trying to kill Superman. And he's like, what the fuck? I killed that guy. Jason survived hell, right?

my money's on jason Superman doesn't have a chance I think though if you give Superman the opportunity to do his fucking favorite super move from part four he's just hucking this lake monster into the sun dude yeah I guess that's fair adios motherfucker

yeah he seems like more of a pest to him than an actual villain if we're gonna be honest because even if he keeps on coming back oh you got your machete that's very nice okay I'm gonna fly you around the fucking earth until you disintegrate now what if he took on like Lex Luthor type Properties. He's wearing like an ascot

Jason is. He's got a bad wig on. He's got a little smoking jet. Yes. Oh, I think Clark can't bite me Superman. Somehow, Otis is also working. Oh, geez, Mr. Voorhees. I love this. I love this. Dude, it's Ned Beatty's dressed up as a camp counselor in the 80s, so he's got the super shorts on. Otis, we need to buy all up, all of the parks in the city.

All of the parks, Mr. Voorhees? All of them? It's putting a wig of worms on him or something. Borgesburg. All of this would be great. It would certainly be better than Superman 3. So he fucking drops this frozen lake on this factory. All the water, you know, goes out, blah, blah, blah. There's a dude.

I think it's the same fire chief. He's like, Dave, that man's a miracle or something like that. I just like, it's a block of humongous block of ice, the size of a tank. and you just drop it and it just turns into rain. I mean, I feel like it would do some fucking damage to that building. We're fucking

killing some dudes with ice shards here before it melts. Absolutely. Well, thank you, everybody. And like, Al Matthews just impaled on a huge fucking icicle. Yeah, exactly. A couple fucking firefighters heads rolling around. Chill out, Chief. So we're in

Smallville. It's the class of 1965, which is pretty cool. sure we're listening to roll over Beethoven a bunch oh yeah we're getting our money's worth for this don't we get Earth Angel at some point in this in this dance also we get

we get Earth Angel when he dances with Lana Lang here that's that's what I'm thinking of and this is two years prior to back to the future absolutely dude before the fish under the sea dance or the enchantment of the sea dance excuse me at this day we got to prevent Rick Donna from being

fired Marty you don't understand Dick Donna loses his directing capabilities for the franchise. It all goes downhill, Marty. Look what happens to the sequels. What do these sequels become assholes? Oh, they do. Look at those sequels. They're changing. In which the Southkins are corrupt. And Donner directs timeline by Michael Crichton. Two Donners with the same gun. And where I am not cast as Bradiac.

exactamundo man oh that would have been awesome fuck yeah Christopher Lloyd is brainiac I would have seen that 100% and that's the thing too is like there is you can just there was there was a treatment

that the Salkons or Warner is apparently rejected where Dudley Moore was Mr. Mitzelplick and all sorts of their supergirl and all sorts of shut like you need to bring in more of the six the 40ish years you had at this point of continuity

yeah just sort of fill this world out a little bit don't invent a fake Lex Luther from Hull Cloth. Don't invent a fake computer whole cloth. Like there's, you can just bring it, but nobody gave a shit like that back then. Nobody, you know what I mean? Like it was, it was better to just sort of, ah, you got Superman, it's enough. It's too much if you put too much in. Exactly. Because they're probably like, listen, just regular Tom Dix and Harry's are going to go see the movie and they're

not going to know Mr. Wama, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay? So we get a nice handsome Robert Vaughn, Bing, Ba-a-Boom, he's a businessman. He writes itself. I think it's interesting. because, like, I firmly believe that that's probably what happened. But part of me was, like, was D.C. sort of being, like, okay, Warner Brothers, like, yeah, you could license Mr. Mixelplick, but that's another $400,000. DC was owned by Warner Brothers at the time. So they had free reign to do whatever? Yeah, totally.

It's a marble business. Oh, then there's no excuse. No, yeah, it was a thing where, like, I think it's Eric's thing where it's like, oh, yeah, it's more relatable. You don't want to go to two out there with the comic book. booky stuff, which has obviously been proven, again, brand management today. Like, you want as many, you want to fucking talk about the X level character for three seconds just to give that one little fan a little boner in the audience. That's totally true, because like, what fan service boners do we have in this movie?

Like, what fucking elbow nudges are going on when you had nerds sitting in the theater to watch this movie? Fucking, I mean, Lana Lang, it's the closest, like, new character development. They're making this movie for Normies. Like the first movie, you got Lex Lutzer, iconic. Second movie, General Zod. Like, what a character. It's surprisingly they, I'm surprised.

Rewatching that movie, it is good. Rewatching it and seeing like, these are the villains they went with. And it's great. And then to go to three and then like take a step down from all of that instead of giving us a big villain? I mean, it's, it's the two most boring people in the world watching this third movie. and be like, Lana, from the first movie,

his lost love, my dear. She's finally back. It's like the Gwynn Stacy thing. Yeah, which in a lot of lines of fine character, and I actually think Anandotil is good in this movie. Oh, yeah, she is. She doesn't have great chemistry with what you would call it with Christopher, but I think that's basing it off of Loisland.

I think that they do well. I mean, yeah, I guess it's not as. fireworksy as Margo Kidder and Christopher Reeve were. It's a hard act to follow for sure. Yeah, no, exactly. But I think, and also because it's a different kind of character. Lois is like the brassy, bombastic, you know, hard-hitting journalist who, you know, false head over heels for Superman.

And like, Lana Lang is just like this totally, like you feel for her. Like she's like a single mom fucking busting her ass to raise this kid in Smallville, hates fucking living in Smallville, is constantly being. harassed by yes one of the funniest characters in this movie brad wilson played by gavin o'herly he the fucking you know football star washout who's just a drunk security guard in smallville now and i know this is a definite difference from the first time when i watched this last time uh a decade ago whatever brad wasn't on screen i was kind of like where's brad like because gavin o'herly he has such a great handle on what this character's supposed to be that like even though he's a piece of shit and like you know

a little bit of a like he's like Lana's villain of the movie basically like it's fucking hilarious to watch this dude it is hilarious to watch him be a loser be a fucking drunk falling all over himself give him the role of Superman in the parody movie you clearly wanted to make here thank you fucking boozer man he is he's fun and it would have been something if like the whole movie was just small villain maybe he's coming to terms with uh Clark Kent's life a little bit bit and he has to overcome Brad, which he does in this movie, but it's so tertiary. Yeah, totally. I love that Brad Wilson's introduction is him tell him the Al Bundy football game story. Like, I don't

know what's worse in this situation. If you're, like, Brad, who would you guys rather be? You're Brad Wilson telling the story about the big game and whatever, or you're the fucking losers who are really excited to hear Brad Wilson tell the story about the big

game? I feel like I want to be the loser because I'm probably at least married and have money, you know what I mean? And you're like, oh, wow, that guy was really cool in high school. He's a piece of shit now, though. You know, I'm going to pretend to like him now. See, so you think those dudes are pretending that? I mean, because they look like they're hanging under Brad's every word. Well, I guess they knew Brad, you know? Like, oh, yeah, maybe there was old buddies or something. It's just like, man, like, I never want to be that dude telling like that kind of a story and have it be your only thing. But also, like, I don't want to be a person who cares about listening to that kind of a story.

I mean, you just have to pretend to care. That's not too hard. Yeah, I guess that's true. I do that a lot. By the way, Andrew, you had a laundry list of stuff that you like about Lana. Did you get this one? Check it out, dude. She kisses hello.

Oh, yeah, dude. The kiss hello, not too bad. Well, she fucking sees, you know, Christopher Reeve show up. She's like, all right, hi there. How's it going? I would have fucking kissed him on the lips too. Jesus Christ. Mouthpacking all over this movie.

Put that hug back in your pocket. we're getting some kisses going and yeah like Brad is kind of talking shit to Clark and Clark is like I'm you know three feet tall of you and I'm from the fucking planet Krypton dudes what are you what are you taking somewhere else

seriously he's like following Clark is following Lana around Lana's like there's kind of a funny gag where she's trying to do like food but then also get the DJ some records and she accidentally like gives the DJ the food and brings the records over to the food table

it's fun it's a whole yeah it's a whole thing who's the pervert who we keep on cutting to with the glasses Clark Kent no dark sunglasses I missed you ever this dude there's this guy Joe in at the high school reunion there's just this guy that like they cut to two or three times like she one of the times she hands a record to him it's probably like the cigarette smoking man investigating this alien oh is it the DJ I think she gives records to the guy who's like spinning the soundtrack to the dance kind of thing. Because he doesn't look like he's actually

touching any records. He just looks like he's like thrusting around to the music. Well, because he's feeling it, dude. He's really into the playlist that he's got going right now and he's just feeling the groove. When you're blast and roll over Beethoven, you've really got to fucking feel it. Did you notice, though?

So we should point out that, so on Friday, like we said, the We Love Movies episode of Superman One will come out. And in that episode, we talk about one of Steve's favorite moments in cinema history, the guy spiking the camera at the Daily Planet. There is a fucking camera spike

at this dance scene too. I think spiking the camera is like a proud tradition in the Superman franchise because we're walking around and we're following Lana on the dance floor and Clark's behind her and there is a dude with a supreme early 80s Kentucky waterfall

mullet going on. And he's like kind of dancing and having a good time and when the camera passes him you better believe it he's like hello Hollywood fucking awesome cameras that's great dude maybe that guy becomes Deadpool well there's also the famous moment in Man of Steel

when Henry Cavill locks eyes with the audience while making out with Amy Adams in the ash shower that that's a famous moment and yes and they play rollover Beethoven while he's breaking Zod's neck by the way at the end of this party here she says like

oh, I made a gallon of potato salad and it's all left and no one ate it. Jesus. I was waiting for like Superman's super stomach. Like, oh, don't worry about that, Lana. You know, he eats it all? Wow, Clark, you were hungry. Yeah, maybe it's a thing like one of Superman's things

like, you know, in his little creed, is he never lets food go to waste. Oh, sorry, Lana, I'm on leftover duty. I mean, he's such a superman. like he could probably consume so many calories it doesn't matter um i got a biology question do you think does he piss or what do you think of course he's got yeah sure it doesn't like you can't like evaporate it through his skin or something

dude no because then you're smelling like piss everywhere maybe that's how he pees is heat vision it goes out no because no you can't do that because then you just smell like boiled piss he just pisses out of his eyes you're saying no no it's it's out his dick into a toilet any other way you're smelling like urine. But Eric, to answer another inevitable question, he shits out two-ton pellets, much like Nibbler from Futurama.

Like an owl? Yeah, totally. And you know what he does? And it's a big hassle. He does it into a waste basket because it doesn't actually smell because it's actually it's hardened steel. And every Sunday he just hucks it in the sun. You know what I mean?

Another trip to the sun. Just throwing shit at the sun. I love it. that's the stuff I would do if I had superpowers to be like yeah I'm just throwing turds at the sun today wait a second though but that's insane if he's throwing his fucking turds into the sun and he's powered by the sun that means he

is motorized under the power of his own shit it's self-hate dude it's his version of composting he goes on a date with Lana Lang and her son Ricky oh my god it's a woman with an L name here's the thing oh my god I love L names

If I'm Lana Lang, and I'm like, oh, cool, you know, that Clark Kent grew up right. He's a big fucking hot shot in Metropolis there. He's got this column. It's awesome. And he shows up dressed like he was in high school. I'm like, oh, he's got a weird fetish. Oh, fuck. I thought he's a nice guy.

Hey, Lana, want to play Homecoming? I was wondering if you would put on your cheerleading uniform. We'd go on a date. Oh, Lana, you don't own it anymore? Don't worry. I had one made up special for you. Oh, and you say your mother died recently, too, huh? Oh, boy.

Yeah, this is all coming together. My mother! Oh, my God, I'm fucking my mother. Martha! Why did you say that name? Put on her dress. G, Lana, I would love to come home with you, but I have to go home and see mother. Your mother's dead.

Clark. Right. Guess I'll tell her myself. While this whole thing is going on, we do cut back to Metropolis really quickly as Gus devises the famous scheme of, you know, he notices he's got all these like taxes taken out of his paycheck, which also it's a thing where like they make Richard Pryor just magically discover that taxes get taken out of paychecks. Like he's a fucking 38 year old man. He's like it's almost, it's a weird thing where like he almost dips into doing stand up material. right here because he's got this little minor riff on like

Social Security taxes and all of this shit. He does a tight five and then we move on. I don't know if I'm alone here. I don't think with like maybe one or two exceptions, I just don't think Richard Pryor was good in movies. Yeah, I'm not a big movie fan

of his. I don't like those. I'm not a big fan of him and Gene Wilder films. Oh, really? I think those are okay. I like Paul Schrader's blue collar. He's great in Blue Collar. That's not like a comedy. But that's like, that's where I see his potential

as a screen actor. But as a comedian, it never worked for me. His potential in Lost Highway to see two lines. That's what you prefer. That's always a weird one. Because he was a darker comedian than the movie. He was always like, it was always like sweet family comedy. You know what I mean? And that didn't

fit him terribly well. I did grow up watching those Gene Wilder movies and I loved them at the time. I doubt they hold up now. But Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I haven't watched it a long time. Oh, also though, he's, um, see, it's him and Eddie Murphy, uh, Harlem Knights. Oh, that's okay. It's all right. I mean, yeah, but again, again, it's not like Richard Pryor in a comedy that matches the tone of his standup. Exactly. Yeah. And so, yeah, he, he gets pissed about taxes and then we talk about fractions of assent. And this is when he comes up with the, uh, scheme wherein if he could steal those fractions of assent, he could just embezzle from the company. And he does, and here's, I mean, like, because it's not even the world of direct deposit, so he has to get a check. He's like, it's the check guy comes around with all the, the checks. Like, here's your check, Gus.

And he's like, oh, I think I have another check. And he's like, oh, you know what? Here's your other check for $78,000. Dude, it's an insane thing. 85 grand. 85 grand. And he's like, oh, can you check and see if there's a second check there? I had some expenses that I put in for.

Like, what expenses? You're a computer tinker. Oh, yeah, Gus. Here's a sack of gold bars that came for you. Here you go. It's just in gold bar. It's also kind of like a stupid thing, right? It's like, oh, there's fractions of sense floating around. And my computer program now puts them all into one accounts. And again, it's like he does like computer command. Yes. Take sense. Put in account of this man. Enter. I feel like this came up in other movies. the scam and I forget where. Office space. Office space. Okay. Yeah. They even call it the Superman. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like when he explains it, he ends it with like, it's the scam from Superman 3. Wouldn't that be stealing? That's my Jennifer Aniston impression. Totally. She's great in that movie, by the way. I rewatched it a little while ago. Oh, really? Great quarantine rewatch office space. Love it. Nice. Oh, weird thing here. Steve, is this, I have a question about, uh, we have a question about, uh,

have to go to resident comic book expert Steve Sadegh on a segment i'm going to call is this from the comics uh in the scene where Clark is helping Lana clean up after the high school reunion um she says something about like how he's living in metropolis and blah blah blah and she refers to it as the big apricot no i've never heard of the big maybe i mean obviously continuity has changed a ton maybe some story somewhere blah blah yeah like she said and i was like did she just fucking say big apricot that's dumb because like you know it's definitely the big apple in the in these movies because we do get the yuan initiative involved but yeah uh so that it's but it's metropolis so they can't say big apple no i know but it's just it's such a dumb it's it's a dumb it's a dumb thing

from the comics they uh well they were so like i mean obviously it's 1983 a single mother isn't exactly um something that we want to portray uh you know at the time in society so they were a little uncomfortable with Lana being a single mother so they wrote a whole comic where they like figured that out I've never found this is just an IMD maybe it's an apocryphal story but like the idea of the single

mother issue of Lana Lang I would like to read what the fuck I mean is she supposed to be like a widow I guess so but in this movie they pretty much said they got divorced right yeah that's what she says something like yeah like he just like ran off or something or maybe he is a super villain

I bet you in that comic is where they get the origins of big apricot. That's where it is, Eric. But they, so Richard Pryor gets caught, or he's, they're like, we cut to Robert Vaughn, who's finally in the movie, not just in camera form. Right. It's, I timed it, by the way. It's like 30 minutes until we have the villain that no one cares about.

Dude, and I've, this office is fucking sick. Oh, man, the gray scale, everything is a gray black and like light gray. Loving it. It's all shag carpeting, though. It's a crazy gray shag carpeting It looks like it goes up the fucking wall All villains' layers Should look like they could also host an orgy

I feel like that's just universal Very much In part four The new Lex Luthor like high-rise hangout That's a definite We're having six people fuck each other At the same time Him and Ducky there

Fucking all fucking sucking everybody Not each other because their uncle and nephew but it's just sort of like it's that you're having Fargo sex with your nephew you know what I mean beds are next to each other and you're fucking it's step uncle and step nephew so it's okay oh man um and they're like who could have done the the weirdest part about this is his butler whatever is like we've been embezzled 85,000 dollars sir and he's like who could have done it who could have done it's like you wrote a check to Gus fucking Gorman like dude seriously yep yep exactly I was about to say to their credit they catch it right

away, but do they? But they catch it due to one of the funniest laughs in the movie is Robert Vaughn being like, you know, we'll have to like wait and see what happens here. He goes, you know, unless we find out much quicker, but if we did that, that person would have to be a complete

and utter moron. And then it's like you hear like tires screeching or whatever and Richard Pryor pulls up in a Ferrari. It's like at the fucking pink Cadillac and Goodfellas. We should mention here he's flanked by Lorelei. his, like, a little, his girlfriend there, and Annie Ross playing Vera.

Him and Vera, Robert Vaughn, it's a real fandom thread and Leslie Mann. Absolutely. Not Leslie Manville, Leslie Manville. Manville, yes. Yeah, it's like, yeah, like the older sister is kind of like the caretakers slash boss of the younger brother. Very weird. Back in the Daily Planet scene where they're talking about how hot Robert Vaughn is. They take time to also talk about how fucking ugly Vera is.

They're just like, yeah, she actually looks like that crater and all. Look at that. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah, because once you recall it, he, uh, I think Perry White's like, ah, you got a bad picture, kid. And it's like, no, she looks like that. It's like, okay, I got it. Thanks, guys.

Oh, Annie, oh, wow. I'm sorry, Annie Ross died on July 21st of this, this very year. What, she died four days ago? She died, like, four days ago. Oh, rest in peace. Wasn't she also the villain and pump up the volume? I can look that up right now. I'm pretty sure, and I think she's really good in it.

Yeah, she is. And she's in shortcuts. She's great. I mean, she's good in this, but it is very much like, did you come in here to ruin my breakfast? I know. Also, what happens to this woman at the end of the movie is fucking abhorrent and embarrassing for the actor, man.

But rest in peace, that's fucking crazy timing here. you come in here like a horse Ross Ross I'm ordering asparagus Oh So there's a big date Where Clark goes With Lana and Ricky

To the Smallville bowling alley The Smallville Bolarama I'd like to call it And of course because it's a small town bowling alley Fucking Brad is also there Wasted at 1130 in the morning This is where I got a lot of sympathy

for Brad. I don't know. I've been quarantined for four months. I'm like, ooh, getting drunk at a bowling at 11 o'clock at the morning. I could do it. Absolutely, dude. No doubt about it. I mean, you know, we got going here before noon. I've been fucking drinking right through this. Did too. Yeah, I cracked one at 10 a.m.

Nice. But you know what? We're recording this on a Saturday. So it's brunch. There you go. It's brunch. There he goes. It's brunch. I'm drinking this warm beer. It's a brunch beer, though. The kid is terrible at bowling. I don't even know how little kids bowl. It's like, fuck a two times the size of their weight. Well, this is what's insane.

I guess it was 1983, so maybe this wasn't invented yet, but, like, why aren't you doing bumper bowling? They're little kids. What are you doing? What's going on? No, the bumpers were, of course, made in, like, 1920. We all know. What is bumper bowling? What are you kidding me? No, I'm not kidding. I do not know

a bumper bowling is that. What in the fuck? Okay. It must be an Albany expression. It's when like, so, like, if you have little kids bowling, you put the bumpers down so they can't get a gutter ball. Oh, and it just kind of bounces around. Yeah, there's things that come down and they block the bumpers. I'd rip those bumpers right the fuck up.

Kids got to learn life is hard. Dude, a little kid who's as big of a loser as Ricky, man. Like, you can't, you don't want to get a gutter ball in public. Listen, if he wants a win, he better earn it. I see Eric is truly of the Brad Wilson School of Thought here. Yeah, totally. The Brad Wilson Bowling Academy at the very least. Because Brad comes over, stumbles over.

Hey, sweet thing. He calls his sweet thing. Hey, sweet thing. He's drunk. Well, it's kind of weird because, like, you know, she's really attractive. obviously and she's single but that doesn't mean she has to marry this guy you know what I mean like and that's the weird

like small town logic that Brad is using though he's like well who else in Smallville babe you're the only single woman and I'm the only available bachelor in the whole town that's what's really weird is like I remembered them being together when the last time I watched it but like

when I was looking I was like oh no he's just hanging around her all the time because he's a pathetic lunatic this is very interesting and I think it speaks to doing the show for so long and really getting into a groove of how we do things because I noticed that detail

only this time Chris and I remember the last time watching it was the last time I watched it for this show thinking that Brad was like the father of Ricky and he was just like the drunk ex-boyfriend or ex-husband that was hanging around the whole time I completely

missed the line about like the husband skipping town and all of that shit I think it's because like you know how fucked up we get now when watch stuff back then it was like three times the amount we were just young dumb and fucking functioning alcoholics back then um and so it's a silly scene wherein uh brad tries to teach him out to really do it and then clark's like no let him do it his way and Clark of course he sneezes and blows the ball into the bowling pins so fast and so hard that they fucking turned to dust and I'm sorry this is the beginning of an ET investigation on Ricky you know

Exactly. The FBI is on their way. Scully, have you heard about the bowling alien? He always gets a strike, Scully. Doesn't make sense. No one could get a strike every time. Now, yeah, it really speaks to like when Clark is doing this kind of meddling, like he has to tone it down. But also what's weird about this is you really realize how fast on his feet Calell is able to think.

he is able to like he's looking around you know sort of like usual suspecting the room being like what can I use to fucking do this scam and like when he walks away from like Ricky like he makes sure Ricky has the bowling ball and he walks away he fake

trips over the ashtray that's right there again this only works because we're smoking in bowling alleys and he's like oh I tripped over the ashtray now all the ashes in my nose and acho like that's what he uses to justify the sneeze and so no one notices is that it's what actually makes the ball go.

He makes all the ash go into everyone's eyes. Just tons of ash just flying directly into your eyeball at 65 miles an hour. It's like Jim Belushi cheating in a fist fight. I'm just going to always be thinking now of Mulder like going up to the obliterated pin and like touching it and licking it a little bit. And just turning to Scully, I'm like, Scully, have you ever heard of Krypton? Then they have another day at a cornfield. This is when he's dressed like he is in high school, and they, it's a nice little picnic.

Ricky goes off with this dog and, like, you don't see it, but he like gets, he passes out in the cornfield because he's looking for his dog. And the threshers are coming right for him. Yeah, but how does it get to the point where this is happening? Superman, you have fucking ears, don't you? And also, I guess back then we obviously didn't watch children. No one watched me until now, but now I'm under lock and key. I've got a fucking leash. my wife puts me on. But

I mean not like a troubled child, not, you know. Yeah, no, you're only going to do harm to yourself, dude. Someone has to watch you at all times. Exactly. But the fact that this could get so far in the field and injured and passed out in front of a thresher while Superman is

trying to get some. Oh, totally. It's weird. Like, Lana, like, so Clark is like, you know, they sit down, the picnic's nice. He's like, oh, you know, this is really nice, Lana. And she goes, it's even nicer when he says something about like oh it's really nice around here

or something and she goes oh yeah it's even nicer when there's a man around which is not that often I'm like oh god damn it Lana come on what about Brad oh he's not a man I think Ricky's passed out we can fuck in the cornfield Clark first I'm going to eat dog food

the dog food come on guys yeah you're right this is Chris you're totally right Richard Lester wanted to make a movie called stuperman. Yep. And he eats dog food, he fucks around in bowling alleys, and he never gets late. No, you see, the joke is that he eats the dog food and he actually

likes it. Yeah, he thinks it's paté, good line of hey patte. Yeah, totally. But, like, again, it's like, you're Superman. You can look at it and you know that it's not paté, so why are you deciding to be this fucking little abuse pig and just humiliate

yourself like this? This might be a thing where in all food is dog food to Cal L. He's just like, oh man. If you want to eat real food, you get my mom's kryptonite spaghetti. Oh, my mother's sauce. I go to the fortress of solitude. I'm

punch in a bunch of crystals and I get my mom's krypton spaghetti. Oh, my own. It's so good. It's made a pure light. Down here on Earth, they fucking feed me egg noodles and ketchup like a schnook. Dude, yeah, Kryptonian cuisine, it's got to be

out of this world. Oh, definitely. I don't know about excellent. Uh, we cut back to Richard Pryor for a bit. He is, you know, Robert Vaughn calls him up to the office. He's like, I know what you've been up to. Uh, and, you know, I know what you've been up to, you naughty boy. You very naughty, naughty boy. It's like, oh, fuck.

I got to suck this guy's dick or go to jail. Awesome. Yeah, totally. There's a weird line where I think something about jail comes up and, uh, he's like, you know, Do you know, like, what they have in jail? I don't know what the line is. The line is, the line is robbers, they have robbers and rapists and rapists and racists who rape robbers. Robbers and rapists and racists who rape robbers, I think is what it was there.

Yeah, that's the prior line. And I was like, all right. Is that, is that the song that they cut out of the sound of music? Also, yeah, just put that fucking thing right in the middle of my Superman movie. For children. Robbers and rapists and racist who rape robbers. And then there's a fucking horrible line where Robert Vaughn's like, like, explains the whole thing and he's like, dig where I'm coming from, brother? Oh, for it.

And so this is like, we get the explanation of the first part of Robert Vaughn's plan here where he wants to fuck up the coffee bean crops in Colombia to like totally destabilize their whole industry so then he can be the number one coffee seller in the world. And Eric, what's the name of the satellite that's going to? to do this. Yeah, that's right, Chris. It's called harp. This is Alex Jones. We're talking about there's a secret government program. And this is true, folks.

You could alter the weather through this installation called harp. Does he believe that? Yeah, that's a very common conspiracy. That's a big one. Oh, well, in the movie, it's called Vulcan. The Vulcan weather's satellite. And he has to go to Smallville of all places

to hack into it, I guess, is the idea. There's some weird thing. where he's saying, like, whatever the name of, uh, uh, other industries. Yeah, or like Web, WebSco or something like that. He's like, there's a bunch of WebSco offices like around the country.

So we'll send you to like one that's kind of out of the way so you can do your hacking and peace, I guess is the idea. It is just so stupid. They shouldn't be anywhere near Smallville. Yeah, no, definitely not. Or find, or like look at the script and be like, okay, this doesn't make sense. We need to have a real

reason why he would go to Smallville. you know what I mean like let's rewrite this part so it makes sense why he would have to go to smallville exactly uh but anyway he does go to smallville there is kind of a funny moment where when he gets to town it's also like right when i think it's like Clark and Lana are uh like getting provisions for the picnic or something and Clark fucking hits him with the door the car it's kind of a good is spending a lot of time here in smallville I mean I guess he's getting this hot story like he can't actually turn the story into Perry White until he gets the H.J.

So it's really... Yeah, exactly. Is this like leading the lifestyle section? Where is this story? But I think also part of it... I mean, yeah, I guess it would be lifestyle. I guess. But I think part of it is also...

And the movie doesn't weigh this as well as it should, especially because the last movie was also all about, like, what if I just wasn't Superman? But in this movie, it should totally be a thing where he's, like, really sort of mesmerine. by the notion of like oh fuck like if I just stop being Superman I can move back to Smallville

Lana and I could maybe get married you know I could be happy here yada yada yada this is a perfect moment for that kind of you know Superman arguing with you know himself kind of later he's writing a fucking article that's like yeah Mr. Mr. White yeah I put on a

big fuzzy hat I make the girl buy me a drink and I neg her a bunch how to fuck your high school sweetheart in six short days it's just a pickup artist column totally he's he's fucking uh what mystery that guy's a b h1 loser my favorite thing about gus arriving at smallville is there this is the first instance of this weird oingo boingo goes country uh soundtrack in the back of this thing this does not sound like georgio moroder unless he got real weird with it um but maybe it maybe he

did i mean it is like weird like slide guitar kind of shit but then the bass line is like way wacky and like 70s sounding like a chucky cheese like automated band backing almost oh shit totally really weird totally dude they wind up uh he winds up going to uh this office is where brad oops he's the security guard there and he just tricks him like a fucking cartoon drunk with a bunch of booze it's kind of fucking funny. It's great, but here's a question. How does Gus know that Brad is a huge alcoholic? Great question. You know what I mean? Because the whole thing is like Richard Pryor comes up to the door of this, you know, it's like a farm factory store

or something, farm supply store. And, you know, he's knocking on the door and Brad is the drunk security garden. He comes up. He's like, our office is closed. And Pryor's doing like, oh, hello there. I'm from the corporate office and the big guy needs me to into the computer system like he's doing a phony voice or whatever and he opens this suitcase he's like we got to get this set up today and it's just like this

traveling salesman briefcase of booze I think I got it I think he's a computer genius yeah so he gets his records and on his records it says likes the sauce oh totally right across the second page he finds the smallville class of 65

year book and Brad was most likely to become town drunk or no yeah you know you just hacked into the government records. He's got six dewees, you know what I mean? So, you know what's going on. So he goes in and they get smashed. He's doing your class.

This is the Singapore sling scene. Oh, right, where he's like, oh, it doesn't, it doesn't taste like there's enough vodka in this. And Pryor's like, yeah, there's no vodka in this. He's like, well, come on. I'll put some vodka in it too. Let's do it. And they are getting fucking super wasted.

Richard Pryor is wearing this hilarious huge cowboy hat. Yeah, it's, this whole thing is so dumb. This whole sequence. There is a funny moment in the sequence though where Richard Pryor just does this quick physical gag where he's scared of his own reflection in a mirror, which is kind of great. Oh, yeah, like he's worried there might be another security guard or something. But actually, this is actually how tackers should be now that I'm thinking about it. Like, if you want to like influence my vote or whatever else, just come over, get me drive. drunk first.

Exactly. All these Russian hackers are getting you fucking wasted. Get you plaster, then you can destroy the Colombian coffee crop. Yeah. But there's so much product placement in this scene.

He opens a closet. It's got it's like a tote bag from KFC. He goes into the computer room. And I swear to God, there's two posters for golf on CBS and the NBA on CBS. And it's just like, oh yeah, put those You know, it's great CBS. We just love it. It just brightens up the office.

I mean, have him breaking into, break into like a TV affiliate if we're going to do that. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Not this farm goods store office or whatever. I didn't even know what was that? I was like, what is this is a bank? I have no idea what this thing is. I have no clue. So he uses the computer to hack in. There's this is in some more Richard Lester silliness. Now, wackiness with the ATM here. Yeah, this whole thing. Here's my question about this is this, because it's a montage of him doing a bunch of shit. So it's like, yeah, there's a bonkers ATM,

a dude gets a credit card bill and there's a huge Bloomingdale statement on it. Traffic light sabotage happens. And all of this before he gets to the weather satellite and I was like, is this like Richard Pryor's character is like drunk hacking and he keeps

getting into the wrong system? Is that the joke here? That's kind of what I think. Okay. I thought it was like a diehard sequel where it's like, I'm in a fire sale, pure chaos everywhere. Oh, fuck. Dude, actually, you know what? Great Superman villain?

Timothy Olifan. Well, that's the other thing, too. You don't know anything about Gus aside of him that he's kind of a near-do-well. You don't know, like, he's interested in money, sure. But, like, why is he hacking into ATMs to get people? Why is he trying to get this woman smacked in the face

with a lemon by her fucking British husband? This is such a fucking Monty Python seaside joke, by the way. It definitely is. Oh, it's the, oh, my world. this is ridiculous. My wife would matter with the credit card. I'm going to put my grapefruit in her face. That's a James Cagney reference.

What the fuck are you doing here? It's weird. And all of it is too, like classical music that gives it a bit of like a 2001 Twitch, just a bit of just like, you know, we're looking at all this computer work that he's doing. And you're seeing like, you know, all of the main computer hub systems come to life and it's like, dun-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, and you're

seeing like the tape-to-tape computers' memory systems start coming alive and everything. And everything's fucking whizzing and blabanging and clanging. It's fucking dumb. And yeah, he hacks him. The weather thing, he destroys Colombia in general. Like, it's rain he uses, right? A huge storm.

He created. Yeah. Yeah, the controlling of the weather. It's very, like, you know what? There you go. make your entire movie around that satellite absolutely dude like oh fuck there's a huge tidal wave coming for metropolis but but uh there's a million superman villains who try to control the weather or DC villains that can control the weather through various means

you make him the weather wizard we're having a great time it's totally fine you can't see me doing the finger thing but the finger thing makes the money well then you know what just scale it back make a new villain he's a simple guy in a suit they call me the weather man There you go. Oh my God. It sounds like a comic book movie. Forecast for you, Superman. Ooh, not good.

Here's a question. Has that happened in a comic book adaptation? Like, have we just made a fake character? I'm sure that we have. To be a villain. Like, I'm trying to think, like, the one thing that jumps into my head right now, at least, is... Well, nuclear man, actually, is totally made out. Oh, so that's fake.

So that's a fake one. I was also going to say, like, was Max Schreck a character? in the Batman comics? Like Christopher, Christopher Walken in Batman Returns? No, I don't think so. It's kind of one in that way. What's that big shit cloud

and Green Lantern? That's a real one, sadly. But he's not a green shit cloud. He's an interdimensional space being that infects people as opposed to parallaxes. Yeah, oh yeah. Damn.

But he infects people so you could have done a cool like guess where parallax? Guess who parallax is inside right now? Oh, yeah. Well, he makes how Jordan become evil for a very long time. Why could they do that in that movie? Because he had to be a shit cloud.

Oh, okay. Oh, right, the the shit cloud accord of 2011. They should have had something, they should have had a better parallax view. Oh, excellent. Great movie, by the way. Yes, I love. That's a great movie. If you haven't seen Parallax view, check it out. Warren Beatty.

The Z plot of the guy who goes to Columbia, his vacations ruined. So we go back to Clark does go back to small Metropolis. Lana expresses at some point that she would love to go to Metropolis to start over. She might wind up doing that eventually. So it's kind of a maybe a long distance relationship here. Clark is there. He oversees this dumb ass coming back from Columbia to bother Perry White. Oh, he's like going to sue him or some shit. The wife is like in an arm cast and he's got a neck brace on.

He's like running in there like, man, Perry White, I'm so upset with you. This is when Lana calls up Clark. and she's like, hey man, Clark actually goes, Superman reverses whatever the fuck Richard Pryor did in Colombia, thus foiling Robert Vaugh. This is stupid. Question mark, question mark, how, how? Well, let's talk about this for a second, because this is an insanely lazy way that they go about this.

So this is where we're seeing Robert Vaughn is skiing on the top of his, you know, his roof chalet, and, you know, this is where he comes up with the plan. Like, wow, that works so well, Richard Pryor. You know, today, coffee, tomorrow. oil sort of a thing and then Richard Pryor is the one

he comes in and he's like oh hey Robert Vaughn so here's what went down when I was like we were doing this thing in South America and it's Richard Pryor just telling the story of what Superman did to foil the South America plans and like

you just see three different shots of Superman doing a thing but then it keeps cutting back to Richard prior like acting out the story and he's like and then Superman was flying around like and I'm like, dude, show me Superman fucking foiling this plan. They cut to it a little bit of him using like heat vision on like the coffee crops so that they dry up. And it is just so weird too because Robert Vaughn was like watching it on TV.

Like, okay, my plan is worked. And then instantly when Gus Gorman shows up, he's just like, hey, it didn't work. Also, yeah, totally. Aren't those laser eyes just going to go to like the core of the earth then? Can you like, can he do settings? Yeah, I think he's got settings, dude. Yeah, I mean,

you got to do a really light setting because you could roast those beans, dude. Your jacket is now dry. This is also the fucking dumbest donkey dick moment where Richard Pryor falls off the roof of a skyscraper on skis and lives to tell the tale.

It's insane. Why have that? Why have that? Because it's more that British slapstick comedy crap. Yep, you're totally right. You know, it works. you know in certain circles not in a superman movie oh isn't it irreverent you know give me superman set in like 1915 and do vaudeville acts around it i'd be happy with that

fuck dude it's superman he teams up with the marks brothers for some reason exactly pretty great um this is the lana phone call is that what we're talking yeah she calls him and she's like hey man um ricky really wants superman at his fucking birthday party and it's you know know what lady that's you gotta take that up in soon man i'm just clark kit all right hey hey and fucking ricky dude not only does he want superman his birthday party this little motherfucker it's a little shitty at bowling motherfucker uh has told the whole town that superman's already coming for the birthday you little piece of shit rickie because Superman saved him from the thresher and all that and one great line from that scene is like Lana's like oh my god Superman was just

here i can't believe you man oh Lana i'm from metropolis i see Superman all the time Oh, right. He does set up that they're kind of like best buds almost. Yeah, but it's also, are people in Metropolis, like less, a bit non-plused with Superman at this point? I think so. I think so, dude. It's like how us New Yorkers never really gave a shit that much about, like, the naked cowboy, but like he was a sensation all over the country. I mean, the naked cowboy couldn't fly, dude. You don't know that. Well, he also, he also couldn't be president, which he tried to do. He flew into my heart, Steve. Please, stop. Stop. His superpower is he can't wear pants.

it's already in his underwear floating around you got a double the naked cowboys could definitely double bag in that underwear right oh absolutely yeah there's like your real like your ball protector you know i think it's a diaper dude i think he's just pissing and shit in there it could be and then you have like your wrestling you know your purple wrestling trunks outside of it so it looks all flashing and whatnot but yeah inside you just pissing and shitting yourself just like everybody else because you know what the tourist with a one dollar bill might come along I better piss and shit myself in the middle of Times Square otherwise known as the show must go on Eric yeah absolutely true is he even still around does he still do that no I think he's long gone well that with the COVID dude I think he was gone long before COVID though yeah it's good

I hope it's I am legend but it's with the fucking cowboy I wouldn't see that there is a thing like right when Lana calls him he's like putting the finishing touches on his little fucking high school in cell story and he's like the prettiest girl in

school is still the prettiest girl in school. And he was like, oh, man. Grow up, damn it, weirdo. Like, I don't know, dude, you fucking, you're, you're a successful reporter that looks like Christopher Reeve in 1983. Go get laid. Like, you know what, dude? It's insane.

Like, this sausage should constantly be underwater. I don't know what's going on here. So, he goes back, and this is when Gus Gorman is tasked with killing Superman. And they're like, oh, you know, in that story that they wrote. he has a weakness to something called kryptonite and it's like okay well there's got to be some flying around space and computers know all about space to go on a computer figure out what kryptonite is i don't know just get to the next scene rick i don't know what's going on it's so dumb and it's it's just another like it's a thing where robert vaughn is he does the same thing

and this is what's dumb he does the exact same thing that jean hackman does in part one where he's like, oh, well, if his planet blew up, then I guess logically there'd be some bits of that scattered throughout the universe. So let's just use some bleep, bloop-blop computering and figure out where the fuck that planet was. But also then Richard Pryor

and Laura Lye both know it because they've been paying attention to the other movies. Oh, yes, that's totally right. They saw the first two movies in theaters and everybody else did not. You're totally right. It's an interesting idea to try to like make an artificial

official kryptonite, but the way they go about it is, you know, it's so, so like Gus Gorman's on the computer and it's just like, oh, the satellites finally found a chunk of kryptonite in space and it says these are the materials. It's very lazy. Yeah, exactly. One

thing is like 0.005 is unknown and he's got his trusty cigarettes with him because it's 1983 and he's like, oh, might as fucking put some tar in there. If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for Superman. Absolutely, dude. Superman must love smoking and he's just like ashing

into the petri dish. I guess it's what makes him so scummy as the tire. Yeah. It turns him into sinner man. So this is the general patent scene. They are. It's too much Richard Pryor here. It's way too much

Richard Pryor. Yeah. I have a note here. Did everybody see the cake? I missed cake? There's a Superman cake and it is like the wetest cake i've ever seen it's like glistening like is it like is it the cake's fault or like are they leaving it out in the sun i think they let it left it out in the sun and i also think they just didn't they got cheap frosting that like almost melts oh fuck oh you know maybe it's a little buttercream

situation it's possible you got a international celebrity Superman coming here and you're going a subpar cake. Get some pot pies going. I know that people make pies in fucking Smallville. Get him a hero's cake, right? Yes, please. Yes. Where is that goddamn hero cake from fucking Man of Steel?

Absolutely disgusting cake. And this whole ceremony with the patent spoof is because of the birthday party, right? It's an insane thing where like Superman, and this sucks, right? Like Superman's like, all right, fine. I'm fucking going home twice and two weekends.

That's embarrassing, but whatever, I'll go back. I'll go to this kid's birthday party, do a tight five, get out of there. Exactly. I'll be fucking back before the Smallville Rockets face off against the fucking, you know, whoever I'm going to watch some minor league baseball on my team. Actually, no time for that. No time for some minor league baseball. I got to do a bar mitzvah, a Sweet 16, and then I'm capped in the evening off with appearing at a bachelor party.

God damn it, dude, Superman's like the Ghostbusters at the start of the sequel. That's what it's become. It's insane. And he's like, I'm thinking I'm just doing this private event for my good buddy Ricky, my fucking hot ass high school crush, Annette O'Toole, and then like maybe some of Ricky's a little loser friends. And I know that Ricky's a loser, so there's not going to be that many friends there. And then he shows up and there's like a bandstand put together in Smallville, welcome Superman. Fuck you, Lana. I can't believe you let the word out about this. I'll drop her instantly. Exactly. Fuck this. Don't exploit me like that. I'm fucking Superman. Look, I, yeah, I would like to be with you for New Year's Eve, but I'm actually doing. a party for a Puff Daddy's liquor line, and I promise him might be in Vegas.

I'm sorry. I can't hang out with you and your son. I'm sorry. It's so insane. That's right, Puff Daddy. We won't stop. This liquor is fantastic. No, I told you we won't stop. Glug, glug. That's right, Puff Daddy. What I do is not about the Benjamins,

but what you do is all about the Benjamins. This liquor might save the world. Well, Puff Daddy, it looks like I can retire because this liquor is going to save the world. That's what he should use to defeat Brad just tosses a bunch of fucking Puff Daddy branded liquors at him. That would actually be great, dude. That's a great end for Brad

as he fucking drowns in a vada beer for some reason. Hey, Superman, you said you were going to do my crystal skull vodka invented the fucking parking glott of a New Jersey liquor store. Yang, yang, yang. Where are you? I got to go. Dan Eckert's in trouble. Dan Aykowitz needs me.

me. Hello, what is that I hear? Dan Ackrod is about to suffer heat stroke in the parking lot of a New Jersey liquor warehouse. He drops a bus full of school children that he was saving and flies off. I'm sorry, a kid's Dr. Detroit needs me. You don't understand.

He's out of cocaine. I have to help him. Well, you know, Dan, I'm an alien and you believe in aliens, and that's why you have this crazy vodka company. Like, Superman should give preferential treatment to people that believe in aliens. Hey, Dan, I'm an alien. Do you think I have a crystal skull?

Fucking Superman is just hanging out in a fucking t-shirt that says angels and airwaves all the time. Oh, fuck, that is a not great band. Yeah, the whole thing is like the mayor is like, oh, here you go, Superman, you're the best. Here's a key to the city. And Superman's just like, great, another key to the city. Thanks, asshole. I'll fucking be sure to drop this in some cornfield. on my flight home.

No, there's a fortress of solitude room with a bunch of fucking medals that he never even looks at. Oh, really? You think he's got a trophy room, dude? Yes, and then he goes in there and jerks off. He's got like a collection.

He's got pieces of every building he's ever crashed through. Like little pieces. Oh, yeah, Phoenix 82. I remember this one. World Trade Center, yeah. Remember that. Wouldn't you get that.

Off day for me. I'll put this crystal skull vodka on my mantle in the Fortress of Salitude. No, it's got to go in the fridge. Ying, ying, ying, y'ing, y'ing. You should be chilled at all times. Listen to me, it means nothing if you don't do the social media, too.

It means nothing if you just have it. You got a tweet, Superman. You forgot a hashtag, Superman. All right, Superman, you got to do it again next week for a make-good. Make-sum-g-g-g-g-g-g. You got to do make-goods, oh, man. It's what happens when you're a superhero and you fucking sell out, dude. You're doing make-good.

That's no good to me. The promotion window ended Superman and either make good. Oh man, Superman's IG. That is the hottest account. Oh, dude, definitely. Yep. Absolutely.

Just chilling out here in the Fortress of Solitude with some crystal skull vodka. Oh, yeah, that's right. Superman's taking over our IG account today. Nying, Nying, Neng. Superman takeover. Ying, ying.

And then he'll be in a parking lot with me in Hamden, Connecticut. I love that he can never get these liquor displays inside the store, but he is always in the parking lot. I love that detail. Whatever. So he's fucking, you know, giving a speech and then, like, Richard Pryor comes in doing this garbage patent parody.

And it just in the middle of it, he's like, here's a real price for you, Superman, a huge green fucking rock. And I'm like, I would jump on a chair like I've seen a mouse if I was Superman. Totally. He's a green rock. He's got a. a gun. Like, that is the fucking level of reaction you need.

Scared by a mouse or he's got a gun. He just takes it and holds it. It's just like, oh, thanks. I'll put it with the rest of the stuff in the jerk off room. Thanks so much, fake general. Is this just a big piece of jade? Pardon me, did I just win guts right now? What happened? Did I

just get to the top of the agro-crag before everybody else? Agro-crag, man. Nice pull. Hey, Superman, if you're not going to use that green rock, I could use it. You know, Superman, yeah, sure, you beat all the kids to the top of the agro crack, but you're Superman and they're all 12-year-old children. Well, Lois, it was our first time for everyone through it, so we're all at the same skill level. Let's go to Moe with the results. Mo.

Well, Superman clocked in at 0.001 second. Marcus clocked in at 2 minutes and 40 seconds, and Elizabeth clocked in at 3 minutes and 12 seconds. Fantastic. Back to the action. Yes, another event where Superman is sweeping at 0.001 second, and it's really kind of even less than that, but that's the smallest fraction we can get here. Well, thanks a lot, Mo,

and may I remind all the Nickelodeon viewers that next week I'll also be appearing on Legends of the Hidden Temple and Nick Arcade. Stay tuned for Superman Competes Week here on Nickelodeon. Oh, dude, what a fucking sellout. so yeah dude fucking nick arcade now sponsored by crystal skull vodka tell your parents or tell your older brother whatever i don't know

uh i do love there is a fucking great gag in the richard prior speech though where he totally makes fun of smallville residents calling him fat oh yeah he's like he's like oh yeah you guys go to church every day right and you like sitting places well you you know uh what do you sit on that's molded to your well-fed behinds. And I'm like, oh, you're calling him fat, Richard Pryor. Nice. He does this whole bit about plastics

and chemicals. And like, he's like, don't we want to be a country that still makes chemicals? And some guy in the fucking eye says, says, yeah. You just hear it. Like, it's the front of the audio. Some guy's like, yeah, yeah, chemical.

There's another fucking KFC reference right here, because it's like, oh, yeah, something's something uh you know you get the chicken in the bucket and nobody knows the recipe kind of a thing this is where he's like telling he's like telling robert vaughn like hey man oh right uh he's like he's like you know how the chicken in the bucket nobody knows what all the ingredients are he's like well that's what happened with this synthetic kryptonite that i made uh so that's why it didn't work it's a thing where um it's a pretty funny robert vaughn joke actually is like i ask you to

to kill Superman, you can't even do me that one simple favor. It's pretty humorous. It's a good line. That is good. That is great. But, like, it is, that's why Superman doesn't actually react to the kryptonite because it's like, oh, it didn't work. It's just a big hunk of rock, but it actually does affect him.

Yeah, dude, it's like that fucking creeper weed. You know what I mean? You're sitting there, you're like, I'm not high at all. Better smoke some more of this weed. And then, like, ten minutes later, you're like, uh-huh. Huh, Richard Pryor. It looks like you were ripped off. Huh. And then it's just like, A lot of seeds in this, uh,

I remember when I did mushrooms for the first time. I was at a feel of the buddy of mine. And he literally did not have eyes at the moment. He's like, dude, we got ripped off. I was like, not the time for that one, man. No, I think we're doing just fine. We better not have been or else you're in real trouble. Did he fucking even out there?

Yeah, he got there. Yeah. You'll always get there. So whatever. so this is when Superman starts to he starts to become evil like kind of quickly immediately and the first thing you do if you're evil you're like you know what I'm

fucking sick of that leaning tower a fucking pisa always being around like he goes all the way to Italy for no reason it makes it it's really weird because we don't fully know that he's evil yet so I'm like is he just trying to fix shit around like oh that's

a leaning tower let's fix it it doesn't really start like it just kind of happens and then Onetto tool comes into the room to say hey, some person's almost dead on a bridge and he's like, hey, hey, hey, don't worry about that. He puts on, you know, Barry White's never

never going to give you up. And so saying, why don't we just sit down here and have an afternoon together? That's kind of the best scene of the movie because it's so creepy the way that's played. Well, because he's like, you know, it's not often that I get to sit around with a gorgeous woman like you. It's kind of weird, man, because he's like,

she goes, she goes like, hey Superman, you know, there's trouble on this bridge, you better take off and he goes, it's okay. I always get there on time. And he's like, fucking super horny. And she's like, he sits down on the couch and he's getting all like close and whatnot. And she's like,

seriously, dude, that bridge? And he's like, what bridge? Oh, dude, yeah. And it's creepy. And, you know, this, you know, to Christopher's credit, he's doing it here. You know what I mean? He figured out what creepy's room man would look like

and it looks a lot like this. Oh, dude, absolutely. And this is like the, he fucking he leaves Lana's house he's like because it's still not fully taken over him yet and he's like he kind of shakes his head like oh geez you're right I better get out of here and he flies to the bridge but before he gets there the fucking truck

falls off the bridge and crashes and the guys like some dudes like if only had gotten here a minute sooner I guess Superman you fucking lazy piece of shit it's shitty though like I don't know man I can't stop everything and I'm allowed to get laid sometimes

sorry everybody that is the Superman Santa Claus paradox, right? It's like, you know, does Santa Claus, you know, in your telling of the tale, like, go around the world in that way? Like, how is he doing that all in one night? How is Superman expected to stop, like, every problem around the

world? Or is he just, like, America's superhero, you know? How is he eating all those milk and cookies? Also that, very important. You got to have a super stomach to have that much milk at his age. Oh, dude, yeah. Dude, you fucking, you want to see some hucks steel pellets into the sun

dude drinking that much milk yeah oh fuck look at those steel pellets going into the sun looks like Superman ran out of lactating Superman's got to sit this one out Superman's gonna take this global emergency off Superman's got a milk shit to do a fucking whole dairy problems happening he drinks

sorry Lana I shouldn't have out all that all that pork he takes like a silo from the peptobismo factory and just drinks it from the silo. Oh, God. Damn it, that's disgusting. So he's evil now, sort of.

He should fart at people. Anyway, go on. Thank you. He's evil now. It's a montage of him being a piece of shit is the idea, and it's like, he fixes the leaning tower of Pisa. The hilarious joke is the dude selling souvenirs is all pissed off. He does that.

I think when he flies away, does he give kind of like a, like hand gesture to those Italian dudes. Oh, no, I don't know if he does. The guy bites his thumb at him, which is like, you know, it sounded like, not sounded, it looks like, like right as Superman's about to fly off the corner of the frame. He does the, like, top of his hand under the chin, kind of like,

but kind of thing, which is hard to explain on a podcast, but I think you know what I'm doing. During this montage, there's a brief moment where it's like, apparently all the world governments, like the UN censures Superman, but Colombia abstains from the vote.

which I appreciated. Yeah, I like that. It's also just like censuring him how? The fuck are you going to do to Superman? You're on notice. That's all. You know what? Schumer,

enough for that bullshit with the leaning tower of Asia. I mean, centering Superman is about as worthless as a fucking Trump executive order. Like, what are you talking about? You're censuring Superman. What?

He's going to fucking pay a fine? You know what? He's going to put that in the fucking room in the fortress of solitude right? It's the key in the city. Yeah, I'm going to frame the censure and I'm going to fucking laugh. at it every day. This censor

is more of a tisk, tisk. He blows out the Olympic torch which is nice. Oh, yeah. This is, it's such a super dick move right here, man. They like, and again, the thing that sucks is like, this is also just silly Richard Lester gags.

Yes, exactly. You know, because they make a big deal about like, there's an announcer that's like, and now a seven-day race comes to an end as the journey of the Olympic torch goes up the final. staircase and it's like everyone's like with bated breath like they're gonna light the torch and then Superman's like pooh just like you know gives a little whistle and blows it out and I love the I do love the reaction to the dude holding the torch like well my life's ruined boo and everyone

looks at Superman's like oh man that's Superman that piece of shit and they're like kind of shaking their fist at him it's kind of great um then he starts to get drunk which I love um what Here's my question about the suit. The suit turns to do a darker color immediately. Is that like, is he just not changing it anymore? Does he smell like shit? I think it's sweat, dude. Oh, dude, you got a drunk sweats?

Yeah, he shit everywhere too. Yeah, he shit his pants from all the milk. I also think to save on budget, they just took a, uh, uh, the suit they had previously thrown out. Oh, sure. Because there's what, like, I don't know if, I forget if it's this one or like the, the next one. There's just like this really cheap white. on the back oh that might be the next one because the rest of the movie is very very cheap um

but yeah he's just he's at a bar alana ricky is upset that superman is like giving up so he wants to go to metropolis to find him question mark so lana goes oh no lana wants to just see clark and she brings rickie and they they walk by superman's bar which rules oh totally oh this is yeah this is where it's right after lana lang is like hello smallville airport when is your next flight to metropolis tomorrow just a huge l-o-l but yeah this is he's in the bar he starts like super flicking nuts at liquor bottles pretty sweet they start breaking and people are like god damn it what an asshole there's a great is it ricky who's like hey look superman's drunk i there's a lot of great like crowd dialogue

here here's the thing superman comes into my bar i'm like Whatever he's got, it's on me. And I'm just, I just want to hang out and get drunk with Superman. Totally. But then when you realize that Superman's like an angry drunk, that's a problem. Because you've unleashed a monster. Yeah, because like a bar game to you is darts. A bar game to him is taking your fucking head off.

Totally. Also, how much fucking alcohol is he consuming to be drunk? That's got to be a lot. It's got to be like Andre the giant level at least. Oh, here I come, Superman. I'm just as wasted as you. Oh, man, it's the shot for shot, and it's Superman and Andre for Giant, under the Giant, from Raiders of the Lost Dark.

Andre, I've already had 12 bottles of wild, Superman. Yeah, a bottle of wine is a shot. Exactly. There's a fucking great line somewhere around here where he goes. There's a dude, like, he's wasted in the street maybe at this point. There's a dude who's like, I'll tell you, nobody's ever going to trust that creepy. again fucking awesome now is this all like as we continue down this evil path now is this like so the tar is in the evil kryptonite and makes him yeah is this like a drug addiction an

analogy that we're doing that's a good question i think it's just sort of like i don't know like maybe he's like less he's got less inhibitions question mark and everything which may be drugsish as well i guess maybe also it's a weird thing where like the first two movies were so clearly pro-sig that I feel like this movie, they're like, you know what? Cigarettes make you evil. Look at this, kids. You smoke one of these death sticks. You're going to turn into evil

evil Jimmy, just like Superman turned into evil Superman. This is when Superman gets it wet, finally. Oh, right. The whole scam here is continuing while Superman's on the sauce. We should mention that Robert Vaughn's plan is to make all these oil tankers go to one spot in the middle of the

ocean, and this one tanker won't do it because it's the only one like that still has humans in control oh right all these other point here yes all the other oil tankers are just operated by computers so he has gus hack them all and bring them like into the middle of the atlantic and not make any of their like drop off destinations and in return gus tells him to build him a supercomputer in the middle of nowhere right yeah because he doesn't i mean and we don't know what gus wants like does it just want money to like not have to work and deal with this bullshit like why does he want to what's he going to do with a supercomputer like is they should just make him brainiac or something like yes like because he wants to

build this giant supercomputer out of nowhere I guess because of his just unbridled genius is being unleashed or whatever and he sees how he basically tries to make the borg or a viger like this computer that would defend itself yeah and at this point like if you're doing this like I can get on board with it only if at the start of the movie, there's something where like Gus is bumbling around in a computer lab and gets fucking electrocuted by something

or whatever and he just is growing smarter and smarter by the scene. Instead of this where he's just, because he's, there's a thing where Robert Vaughn is like threatening him like, because he's like, I don't know man, maybe we shouldn't kill Superman or like, whatever it is. And he's like, oh, you know what,

Gus? Well, that's cool. I can fucking send you to jail. And Richard Pryor's like, well, I want more money. And you know what? I'm more valuable to you out here than I am to nobody in there, like referring to jail. And then he's like, here's all these cocktail napkins I have with sketches for a supercomputer. And it's just, yeah, Steve, you're right. It's like, to what end?

What the fuck are you doing? The idea that like Superman versus technology, technology's got gotten out of hand. It's everywhere. He could be reached anywhere with technology now. That could be an interesting movie if you make the movie the fucking supercomputer, but you can't just shove it in at the end. Yeah. nor can you do this sort of half-assed evil Superman in the middle you know what I mean like certainly not both of those things at the same time around Richard Pryor gags yes exactly when he's

about to bone Lorela is the first time I think I might have heard a marauder track like that sound very fuzzy and synthy but well there's there is straight up porno music in this movie because yeah he like to distract like this one ship that won't go where Richard Pryor wants it to go So she's like, well, you know who could do it? At evil Superman, he's evil now. This is sex for trade here. Yeah, in a Superman movie. Lorela is on top of the Statue of Liberty.

And Superman just shows up. I was like, hope you don't expect me to save you. I don't do that anymore. Oh, man, great fucking line. Also, important to point out, on top of the fucking his outfit getting like a little darker because he's pissing himself in it. also he's got a classic 5 o'clock shadow right here definitely pretty great and I love the shot here he's like yeah he's like I don't save people anymore and she's like okay well you know like

let's see what we can do about that and the shot is like Laurelize's face and his fucking dick just inches away and there is no mistaking what this is supposed to be it's oral sex we're talking about she's giving him a blowjob in exchange to move an oil tanker and that's the movie yep because he fucking she's like all right i'm gonna fucking get sloppy on this dong as soon as you go and make that oil tanker pay for not going you know going to the middle of the ocean or whatever and he flies out and just rips a hole in this tanker and just oil spill everywhere fuck you ocean superman you'll believe a man can shoot dude that's what this movie's about absolutely because she he comes back and she's like uh you know in robert

Vaughn's little like ski hideaway bungalow thing and she's all like sexy like on the bed and whatnot and she goes oh hey Superman how about a little apra ski you know a little after ski which is like cocktails and fucking by the fire and whatnot i'm gonna do coke dude you're gonna go on the slopes of me Superman oh right yeah dude that's definitely uh wrapped up an apprae ski especially in the 80s this is where that fucking porno music kicks in though right here and you got to cut away you know that they totally fuck in this movie. Absolutely they fuck. There's no doubt about it.

In the last movie it took him fucking four years to give up his powers to even fuck his like long-term girlfriend. Now he's fucking this lady in the middle of nowhere. And then later in the movie, when they bring it up again, he's just like, well, that man is gone. That wasn't me. Yeah. Oh, yeah, totally. It was just my dick.

All those murders? Wasn't me. Yeah, totally. All those dead people, not Superman's Well, so while wasted after the bar thing and little Ricky is calling after him to help him, Superman's kind of feeling bad about himself. And, you know, we've all been here. Superman, you're just in a slump. You get a little wasted.

You get into the brown stuff a little too early in the day. And by the end of the afternoon, you're fighting yourself in a garage. That's exactly where I plan to be after recording these two episodes. You just look at them, you son of a bitch, you think you're so fucking great. and your glasses. You're gonna go take a trip to the junkyard, you piece of trash.

Your podcast sucks. You fucking suck. It's the fucking totally one of the best, one of the best curb moments of all time when Larry gets high with his dad and the prostitute.

And then he's fucking stoned, looking to the mirror like, you fucking piece of shit. You fucking worthless. Fucking piece of shit. I'm going to blow your brains out all over your goddamn pool. You had to have eight whiskey sour

Superman. Eight goddamn whiskey sour, Superman. Had to have eight bottles of Johnny Walker, Superman. Couldn't have three or four like a normal person? You had to have Andre the Giant at your house last night.

Did you? Did you? You did you? A piece of shit. Hey, Superman, you love me at the Portals of Talitude, brood. Hey, Superman, I need a ride. Gotta get to Russell Valley a peritone.

Just leaving you a lot of voicemail messages because I'm in the middle of the Arctic here, dude. And also you're out of wine. Superman, I'm drying out and freezing my balls off. Underwall we go. You know, Andre the Giant would have been awesome in any of these movies as like a villain. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, he's totally. You get to watch Christopher Reeve fight Under the Giant. You make him a fucking alien or something. You paint him green. Holy shit. Exactly. that's what I was saying earlier. You have to step up from Zod now that you've done Zod.

And I think a giant, Andre the giant, the giant Andre, I should say, would be perfect. I think Dudley Moore as Mr. McIplett is like good. That's a good casting. That's really good. Hello, Superman. I can't wait to try and fight you. That's a magic guy.

What was his deal? Yeah, he's a little magic guy. He's a little magic guy who could do anything. The only way to beat him is to make him say his name backwards. It was the only way to beat Eric Ciske as well. that would be something yeah it's a fun idea actually in a great episode of the

Superman animated series with Richard with Gilbert Godfried as Mr. Mitzelplick Oh yeah friend of the show Gilbert in the show Love Gilbert dude So he's in the in the junkyard And again this is kind of cool He splits into Clark Kent and evil Superman And they start going at it

And like the way to do the evil Superman movie Is you need to lean on the characters That you've set up all the way through which are Lois, Jimmy, Perry White, you know what I mean? Like, oh my God, why is Superman being evil? You know what I mean? We see it through their eyes as opposed to any of this shit.

Exactly. Like, the fact that this is contained literally to just this junkyard, really, is unfortunate. Like, that's why, like, you're totally right. This needs to happen way earlier in the movie, and then it's, like, Clark Superman, like good Superman being like, fuck, I got to stop this asshole.

there's also there's some great stuff floating around this junkyard one thing I want to point out though he's wasted and flies away which is a great kind of ref to the first movie where he tells Lois that he never drinks and flies so that's pretty cool there is a dude that screams he's gone nuts

because he's in the junkyard and he's just screaming and one of the junkyard guys is he's gone nuts also keep your eyes peeled folks at home you better believe there's a car in that junkyard with the Confederate flag on it sick dude Also, this is now to the backdrop that there's an oil shortage because of what Robert Vaughan has done.

So now there's people like fighting in the streets over not being able to get gas. And it's nice, you know, throwback for the audience because it recently happened, I guess. Yeah, I mean, it was 1983. That was only like, what? A few years later. Five years. Oh, it was later? I don't know.

Earlier. Earlier, yeah. What I was trying to say was 83 took place later than the gas storage. Yeah, yeah, right. I mean, yeah, if I'm the, he's got nuts guy at the junkyard. I'm going home and killing myself. Oh shit, Superman's coming for us all. We're in real trouble here, guys.

Like, this is as close as you're going to get to the rapture, Christians. Let's do it. Esther, Esther, I watched him go into the car compactor, and he walked right back out. We got to go, Esther. The only way out is the shotgun. And so, like, they just. just kind of have a little fight here. You know, Clark is

uppercutted immediately by Superman. And you realize, though, that it is he, this Clark has Superman's powers. It's the same person, basically. Yeah, they just have this big fight. And it's an interesting thing. Again, if the movie handled this better,

this scene is actually kind of great because it's like, here is the two sides of Superman, you know, Callel and Clark Kent, ostensibly like fighting each other in this moment and it's like you know Superman as Calell the real you know the alien being from Krypton is just like

so over having to fucking hide as this wuss Clark Kent this whole thing and he wants to fucking kill him and like here's Clark Kent like fighting back like no no we have to suppress Calell kind of a thing and then ultimately the fight ends with like fucking the fake

you know Clark Kent the fake persona strangling Calell to death and taking over and it's like no man any fucking roots to your alien being that shit's dead you are just Clark Kent on this planet you are stuck oh man's the evil Superman is canceling his wizard

subscription he's he's backing out of all of his D&D leagues I do love the Christopher Reeve come on come on come on yeah I mean that's the thing is he does he plays his characters totally differently like you know what I mean like in body language and everything they

feel like different because again like the dude could do it but you got to give him more lines than richard fucking prior in superman three i'm sorry yeah yeah or pete davidson or whoever they're fucking whatever the new comic sensation is this is around here is the um there's another sign danger acid because he fucking throws a superman in a a big pool of acid which is great it's fun yeah I mean, you know, that there's a lot of trash compactor stuff, you know. There was one line from Evil Superman that you always wanted to fly, Kent. Now's your chance. That line is great to me because the way that Christopher Reeve delivers it,

he sounds exactly like Michael Keaton. A little bit. It's pretty great. You want to get nuts? Let's get nuts. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You've been on my nerves for a long time. Now, come on, get it.

Get it. Fucking great. I love when he goes into. There's a part where Superman is going to drop, like, Evil Superman is going to drop, like, a huge car crusher magnet, like a junkyard magnet onto Clark Kent. And he goes into, like, the junkyard control room, and he's, like, at the switch. And you look behind him, and it's like Danny Glover's car and switchback. There's just, like, pornography pictures everywhere. It's crazy that there's pornography right there.

This is actually a thing. And I was wondering, I want to, you know, we were keeping this under wraps. I wanted to throw this to Twitter. but we could do it as like a mailbag or something right in if you've ever like did your dad have pornography in the work shed or the garage these were like mainstays like

I've certain I feel like certain times in boomer culture like it was just totally fine to have pornography open and everywhere. Yeah absolutely just in the man space kind of thing yep like the fucking locker room of like your work kind of a thing or like the break room

you just have fucking pornography and like to what end are you going off on your coffee break and just jerking off? Maybe. Well, they admire beauty, Andrew. I think part of this stems from, I think, people, GIs in Vietnam might have had you know, like

pornos everywhere. Well, when you're fucking, you know, away from your lady fair overseas and whatnot, I get that. But like, when you're just punching a clock down at the quarry, what the fuck you need pornography on the wall? It's usually mechanics and like car maintenance

shops. So it kind of makes sense that it would just transfer to the cars themselves. Oh, the cars picked it up, you think? Much like a hero, you know, that just consumes, the pornography consumes the car itself. Sure. Actually, in the next Pixar Cars movie, the cars are going to be fucking buying pornos and shit.

Hey, cool, I got fucking Hustler. All right. Hey, cool, paper my insides with pornography. The new character voiced by Pete Davidson named Wayno, full of a porno car, just full of it. Yeah, exactly. You know what they do? Because those obviously are contemptible shit movies.

They'd make it like a pink Cadillac and be like, oh, the Pimpmobile. Oh, yeah. Colin Jost plays a fucking yacht or something. And Colin Joe's is a useless, fucking humorless yacht. So, yeah, he fucking puts Clark in the car crusher. He's screaming. This is the second time in the Superman franchise where you see a beloved character

like just violently crushed to death. Yep. Mm-hmm. Uh-uh-uh. Just totally insane. But he chokes him. And in a real hitchcocky and choke, Clark gets him. You know, it's like, it's like psychosexual weird choking.

It's like in fucking Dial M for murder, dude, when he had like the extended sequence of the dude being strangled to death to show like just how much it actually. takes to kill a person in real life and you're just watching that movie like wow this guy's getting strangled for a long time now did you guys have the cut where he just starts screaming

Martha while he's doing no I didn't is that the director's cut is it the ultimate cut that's the ultimate lester cut that's the ultimate that was the scene when he did auto erotic asphyxiation yeah oh man

so you know he fucking he should strangles evil Superman to death and murders him. And he disappears, he opens his shirt, and now he's regular Superman again. And this supercomputer is really, it's like 10 minutes of supercomputer. Oh my God. So now we just go back to a different movie, and Richard Pryor has like a video game shooter that the supercomputer is operating, and you get to see a little cartoon Superman as

Superman flies. Cartoon, like 8-bit Superman or whatever. Atari, like, yeah. And then, you know, this is actually shooting at the real Superman. Superman comes. The supercomputer is stupid as shit. This is the, they're in, like, the bottom of, like, a quarry or maybe, like, that's supposed to be the Grand Canyon or something.

And unused James Bond set, sure. Yeah. Pretty, yeah, pretty much. There's a fucking dumb thing. It's, like, right after, like, you see the fucking life go, like, the light go out of the eyes of evil Superman, real Superman opens the shirt again. And it's a direct cut to all. of the villains of the movie getting in like

balloon chairs and descending down the side of the mountain except for Richard Pryor who's just riding a fucking donkey down to the bottom. We said Bond but this is very like Austin Powers setting and these balloon cars are similarly Austin

Powersy. These rockets look terrible the game the video game thing it's kind of funny if you if the Tribune trivia is to be believed whatsoever I guess there was a thing where like they actually made the video game look way too realistic and they were like no like video games don't look that good you really got to

shittify this thing and like they made it more like eight bit looking than it is now but it still looks it looks it looks like a way better game than you would have had in 1983 I'd play it oh yeah of course I'd play it um but was there ever a good Superman game Steve not really uh I think my short answer is not really there's a fun arcade game where it was a two player Superman game, and player one is regular Superman, and player two is Red Superman. It's like, okay, cool. And I just kind of forget any other,

there was a bad N64 game. I'm sure somebody could stop me, but I do not think there's ever been a good Superman game, period. Because, man, it would be a rad thing if they did like an open world thing, like that Spider-Man game. Sure. And you could just, like, fly. Blast civilians with your laser vision and shit.

Oh, sure. Like, if you get five stars, you turn into evil Superman. Yeah, I fly around. Like, I would play like GTI. So instead of driving a car around, I'm flying Superman around just hitting pedestrians. Or you're picking him up and flying up real high and dropping them. Absolutely. All right, Superman, you've gone

past the point of no return. You've lost the public's respect. Now you're evil Superman. When you die and you're coming back for the next life, the in-between graphic is him going around the earth. I love it. So whatever. Yeah, the big supercomputer's here. There is some dumb shit that goes on.

Well, this is got a cryptidite ray. It's getting him. And this is when, what do you call it there? Pryor is like, oh, I have to redeem myself. He's like, you can't kill Superman, even though he tried to kill Superman 41 minutes ago. Yep, totally. Like this rando change of heart. I guess because he sees Superman IRL.

I don't even know. Yeah, he's in pain. There is the great thing, though, where he, when Superman flies up to the cave and Laurelize like, oh, hey, Superman, remember me? And he fucking delivers the greatest Superman line of all time. and he just goes, I don't know you, lady. Fuck, that's great. You were talking to Kent.

Yeah, that wasn't me. So if I gave you anything, no, if he gave you, it's not me. It's the bottom line. Also, if you're fucking knocked up, not mine. I mean, I do love that line, but like, this is exactly where I am, like, completely detached from this movie. Oh, absolutely. I'm hitting the ejector seat. I'm going after the Superman for Superman, I'm just, I'm not here anymore.

It's trash. like Robert Vaughn actually has a line where he's like oh Gus you're such a genius you've invented a machine that can detect anybody's weakness and you're like well whatever you say movies why not go ahead so I mean I guess the big fucking detail from this scene is that

the poor sister gets turned into a robot which makes no sense that should be Richard Pryor yes he's the one who's been moving towards this where he's like completely combining with like a computer that makes more sense than just this person that you called ugly for 20 minutes. We have to

punish her because she's quote unquote ugly. You're just getting to the machine uggo. It should be either normal by the way. She doesn't look like any other. No, it's just a person. She's a little taller than everybody else. That's fine. I guess the idea

is like, or Robert Vaughn would be fine too. Like, oh no, I'm falling to my own ends. You know, that'd be something. But like, yeah, it's like, because he's such an anti-technology guy in a way, as far as like hiring Richard prior to do all this like he's not the computer genius like it's kind of great

you know villain irony if he's the one that's turned into the you know it would make sense for prior and then then it's all like you know do you really own a computer or does it start to own you you know exactly my fucking cell phone totally owns me you know what i mean so there is something to say about us becoming like slaves to technology and the computer becomes self-aware so we're doing that it's a singularity situation you know there you go that's something the last 10 minutes of your movie, you make a fucking self-aware AI that's now fighting Superman? And yeah, like, it's

powers are like a big laser beam that can do whatever you like and like this cum bubble that it throws at him at that one point. Oh, dude, that's dumb as shit. It's like, it's just got like streaks around it. It's just a cellophane. Yeah, he just is wrapped in like a cellophane ball.

Is that what it is? I, it just look disgusting to me. I mean, it's not a cum bubble, Chris. I'll tell you that much. I think it was a computer. or cum bubble. That's what I'm getting. You know, when your dick is chewing, cum, and it just does a bubble. Chewing. Your dick's chewing cum, and it does like a bubble with it, you know? What it is? Eric, I think you need to go to the doctor.

What it is? This is the cum bubble singularity. I see. Uh-huh. Yeah, so yada, yada, yada. This lady, it's horrific, and it is traumatized many a child who had to watch us as children. It is so, I don't know. It's the most horrific thing in this entire four movies. I remember childhood, this scene particularly stuck out and it did terrify me. It's nuts, dude. I mean, I think

to say something nice about this movie, it turned a bunch of kids in 1983 immediately into huge David Cronenberg. Because it is body horror to the fucking Max. Superman comes in. He's like, you know what? Remember that? Hey, everybody, remember that acid from the beginning of the movie?

I'm going to go fly real quickly, snag some of that shit, and just like stick it inside the computer so it overheats and fucking kills it. You honestly might as well put the flight of the bumblebee over all of this and just fast forward it. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a fuck.

It's so quick and so inconsequential. The computer explodes, the whole sort of like hideout kind of falls into rubble. Big bit of bullshit though. That sister needs to be dead. She kind of climbs out of it like, whoa, that was crazy. Yeah, no way.

And I'm like, dude, fucking wires entered the veins of your circulatory system. Your skin turned silver. Like, come on. Just let her be fucking dead. You know, that cop in the first movie didn't wake up on the train tracks. Like, wow, I totally survived. Lex Luthor pushing me in front of a subway car. He looks like the thin guy on the rails and Beetlejuice.

He just comes up. Hey, guys. I mean, if you wanted, like, Superman to fight, like a computer person, that's something. but you can't do it at the very end. That's going to be your main villain. Yep, it's garbage. It was amazing. I paused it.

There was like 15 minutes left when she goes into the machine. I'm like, well, that's not nearly enough time. It's not nearly enough time to make this make sense. Yeah, and the computer explodes. He, you assume he drops everybody else off at jail. And now he's just flying with Richard Pryor, which I guess we've been leading up the whole movie for. It's on the fucking poster, I guess. And he's not even holding him in the way that he's holding him on the poster.

but whatever. How about the joke, right? He explains that he used acid to defeat the computer. And then Superman says, I guess it just died in the case of acid indigestion. Oh, yeah. And it's kind of funny because... Did you ghost write this movie, Eric, or not?

Because they owe me a check. Gus's reaction here is great. I feel it's like kind of Richard Pryor, the comedian being like, yeah, Superman, that's a joke. Like, he's not entertained by Superman's pun. He's like, that's great. Yeah, yeah. Prior to this movie, too.

He was just happy to get the $5 million. $5 million in that $8.83. Yeah, that's wild shit. So, yeah, he drops him off at like the quarry, you know, and he's like, well, hey, quarry workers here. Does your boss have a computer in that office? Oh, he does? Well, he could do a lot worse than hiring Gus here to, I guess, use your computer or some shit.

So give him a job because old Superman told you to. And he's like, Superman now turns a piece of coal into a diamond as well, which I think is why he, you wanted this diamond. He's like, you know, it's enough Richard Pryor. You're good, right? You're good. Here's a job. Bye. Totally.

And I think Richard Pryor looks around. He's like, where am I? Like, are you in Wichita? Yeah, I'm not going to take that job. Yeah. It's funny. I remember how to make like supercomputer still so I can just go build one that doesn't defeat the earth and just, you know, makes me a lot of money. I could just do that.

I'm going to form a little company called Apricon. And, you know, whatever. He, yeah, it's like, oh, then the bus station's 10 miles away. So that's where Richard Pryor is left. After he calls Superman soup three times, which is the absolute worst. That's what you want. He goes back to Lana here and humiliates Brad and does not propose to her question mark.

I don't know what the fuck this is because it's like he gives her the ring, but then there's some talk about like Superman gave me this ring to give to you and I'm like what the fuck and then it's like and then I don't know I don't know if it's a thing where like Lana is like oh cool a ring from Superman thanks wink wink Superman like knowing that it's Clark giving her the ring it's a weird thing well in the middle of the earlier in the movie she mentions time being so tough she had to hawk her engagement ring right to make it and to me so he's like well he heard that story and he wanted you to have this ring long and it's like, but are you engaged or shrew? Clark has to be very clear about this because if she starts going around telling everybody she's engaged to Superman. Oh, fuck. Yeah, that's a real problem. People are going to pay attention. They might put her somewhere.

Yeah, committed. Like, you're crazy. You're crazy. Hey, Superman, I read in the table. As you engaged, but I'm still stuck at the fault of the solitude. Let's I remind you, you are out of wine. Superman! Where's the nearest bus station? Oh man, they should have made him the computer, like the computer monster.

Fuck, dude. The lady goes in as her, Andy Ross, and comes out as Andre the giant. Yes. I'm going to hit you with a kitchenette mixer. It'd be fucking awesome, actually. Brad is the fucking great line. He's like staring at Clark County. He's like, I've always hated you. and he gets humiliated you know he knocks him on on top of a luggage cart and rolls him out of the fucking room or whatever

he flies into like an elevator I think Brad one of his lines right before he gets knocked out was like nice guys always finish last yep totally back in the Daily Planet Lois shows back up with the biggest story of the year and just like oh Clark I also read your high school hand job story that's really good

those really good hands job story Handjob story. Well, pretty cool, Clark. It ended with you getting jerked off in the gymnasium after the party. Pretty sweet. Chris Goez-Lube. Never heard about it. Never heard that before.

Oh, man. Yeah, then you're really cooking in the kitchen, dude. Yeah, so Lana has moved to Metropolis permanently. She's Perry White's administrative assistant is the idea. This is twice in a row I just wrote in my notes. Just end this movie. end this movie and she's like oh i have this diamond ring from clark and lois is like oh that's

fucked up and that's kind of like the end of the movie yeah it's really weird because it's all like lois you missed the boat you asshole totally you took that vacation and i got fucking hitched a love triangle's a great idea you know lana lois clark oh my god who's he gonna pick yada yada yada right sure but they're all l names like lois there's another woman with an L name. Sorry, Lois. And then, yeah, it ends with him re-leaning the Tower of Pisa

because we 1,000% needed to revisit that joke. Yep, and then these dumb Italians are mad again because they've changed all their merchandise to be straight towers of Pisa. And we should say also, this looks fucking fake.

All of the Superman effects look fake, like the special effects in this movie are garbage. They're better than the next movie, which The only way I'll say that that's better than the next movie, but it is. Totally. And speaking of Steve Sadek, good call. We should get our buns moving because not tomorrow, but the day after. So this Thursday, gang, we're going to be finishing up this conversation with a little Superman 4 chat.

That's right. You know, what's funny is we're going to be staying here and we're just talking all day about Superman. So it's kind of one episode. So it's 500 part 1, 500 part 2. Exactly. But we will say for the recap of this one, re-re-discovering Superman 3 after nearly 10 years on the air, how are we feeling about this movie? And would you recommend it to others out there, Steve Sadek? I would not. I'll do a ranking of all the supermans, including the newer guys. I'll do, I got a little... Oh, Jesus Christ. No, just what I have in my brain anyway. We don't all have to do it. But I think it's one of the worst. I think it's so disrespectful to the character and to the performance.

of Christopher Reeve, this iconic thing that they just kind of throw in the garbage and they just don't, they clearly Richard Lester does not care. I don't know who cares less, Richard Lester or Zach Snyder, but one of them does about what actually makes a Superman movie work and this movie doesn't get it.

And again, like I love Richard Pryor like just put him in a movie, put him either in an actual Superman movie or another movie altogether. Eric Siska. Yeah, Steve, did you rank them all? No, no, I said the next episode. It's a little tease.

You've got to keep coming back. On Thursday, Rankin for you folks at home. This movie is bad. I don't like it. I think this is the worst out of the four main. Maine, I don't know, for Christopher Reeve. Yeah, the Reeve of verse. Yes, yeah.

So I really, really detest this movie because it's so scattershot. Everything is so, you got like 30 ideas, and it becomes meanderingly pointless because it's so muddled. from having too much going on in it. Totally. Chris Cabin? I hate this movie, but I do have to say, I kind of think people should see it, if only because of the see it to believe it type thing. You could not get this made.

I don't think you could get this made out after 1988. Yeah, no. This was a very specific time where something like this would be allowed, and it's awful. I thought that was a reference to his accident for a second. No, no, no. 95, you monster.

Like, you can't make this today. That's the dude's going to chair. Oh, he's also been dead for years. For quite a time at this point. You know, I like Richard Pryor as a stand-up, but in movies, like, I mean, like, it was like this, the toy,

unwatchable movies. A horrible bunch of movies. And even his, like, weird indie stuff is not very good. So I'm, he is great in blue collar if you get a chance to see it but like I I kind of think they they should have found a better way for him to do movies rather than be a comedic aspect maybe maybe he should have actually been a dramatic actor but yeah this movie it's interesting to me just that it exists for no other reason though

yeah um yeah I don't know I it's funny folks in home you will hear me on Friday on the we love movies feed on our Patreon talk about how I was just so excited to be watching a Superman movie and how I was concerned that my, you know, mental and emotional desperation in quarantine as it's been, was going to force me to just appreciate the fact that I was watching Superman movies and I was going to be, you know, I was thinking like, oh, maybe I'd be sort of lighter on these things. Well, don't worry, that didn't happen. I immediately regretted having to turn this on.

It's just such a misstep. I mean, especially coming from the way, the order in which I watched the Revaverse movies, by the way, is one, three, two, four. I watched three, and it was, like, kind of late, and I, like, you know, turned it off on HBO Max, and right there next to it was like, oh, cool, if you liked this, Andrew,

you might also like Superman, too. And I was like, you know what, HBO Max? I think I need a little bit of a palate cleanser. And I was like, let's just put it on. I'm going to, like, you know, use it as I'm getting tired. It's kind of late. I'll probably pass out to it. I watched the whole fucking thing.

I stayed up to 1.30 in the morning watching Superman, too, because I was just so put off by this movie. It doesn't work. I do agree with Chris that if you haven't checked it out yet, it is a seeing as believing the junkyard fight is fucking hilarious. And, like, as much as it's a disservice to the character, Reeve still playing Superman is nice to see. So there's a little bit of that going on.

And fucking Brad the town drunk in Smallville is just one of the funnier things about the movie. That's the comedy that works, Richard Lester, by the way. It's not a blind guy falling in a hole. So that's kind of where I'm at with that. And that is We Hate Movies Episode 500, Part 1. We will be back in just 48 hours to have a conversation for you all over again about Superman for The Quest for Peace. So we'll cut it off right here until Thursday. I'm Andrew Jupin.

Stephen Sadek. Eric Sisker. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. And we'll see you in a couple days. news. That was a hit-gum podcast.