We Hate Movies - S10: WHM Mail Bag: Inappropriately Laughing in Public, Campus Stalkers, and Fighting Over Theater Seats

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

On our September 2019 Mail Bag, the gang reads letters about people inappropriately laughing at others' misfortunes in public, creepy campus stalkers, people fighting over seats in a Wanted screening, and one poor soul that got threatened by the late, Italian character actor, Frank Vincent! If you want your crazy stories read on the air, or if you have a burning question for the gang, write into the Mail Bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. What's going on, everybody? I'm Andrew Jupin alongside the whole gang, Eric Siska, Christopher Cabin, and Stephen Sadek. Hi. This is, this is, um, hmm? Will Coleman. Oh, yeah, that's welcome in German.

Yeah. Nice. Classing it up around here a little bit. I like that. Uh, so we are here. This is the September, ish, mailbag. Something like that.

Yeah, it's September. It's going to be September. Recorded in August, but, you know. It's baggish. An Ogstember, if you will. An Augtember, if you're not familiar with this, it's pretty straightforward. We're just going to read some letters that we get in the WHM mailbag. And Eric Siska, let's start it off with you.

I'm going to cut him right the fuck off. Oh, my God. You know what? For one reason, one reason only. We're going on tour in November. So if you're listening to September, and you're unaware of it, You're on the West Coast. You want to come check us out at WHMpodcast.com.

Check out that tour tab November the 6th. We're in San Francisco, November the 7th. We are in Portland in November the 10th. We're in L.A. So if you're in any of those places, you want to see us talk about some fun movies, check that out. And when you go to WHMpodcast.com, by the way,

it's all new. It's an all new. It's very exciting. It's because it's the 10th season. Yeah. And I love it when you cut me up. No problem. It's season 10.

Gordon Ramsey. Oh, no, it's season 10. That's a season 10 move. Right, because Master Chef this past year was there also season 10. Yes. We're kind of contemporaries. Wow, neck and neck with Master Chef. My favorite part about the season 10 on the Master Chef,

so I'm going to keep talking about it. That's what YouTube is. People like cooking. His thing this year is just like, oh. He gets sick. Damn, this omelet is running. This is like a season one omelet. This is not a season 10 omelets.

Oh, no. That shitty omelet would have won Season one when we didn't give a fuck. That's so stupid. We're eating dog food in season one. Now it's season 10. Human food. Slippery Slope on Gordon Ramsey here

because that delegitimizes like all these other master chefs. I thought it was a big, I thought it was an important label. Exactly. No. On season one master show. Oh, fuck you too, dude. Yeah.

I think that goes for a lot of those shows, though. Because like, think about, does anyone care about the first top chef? No. Right? I can't remember. I couldn't even tell you. Wasn't that just at a bar in Miami? Was that even on TV? I think it was on.

You, Paul, you're the top chef. Look, you got an olive and a lime. No, that was... Do what you will. That was just a porno movie you saw. Oh, okay. It was about a top. You'd move to your right a little bit.

So your beautiful visage isn't obscured by the stupid microphone arm. Yeah, that's actually better. Yeah, yeah, there you go. So Eric Siskin's start us on. off with this first email. Welcome back to W.H.M. Almost got me killed. Ooh. Okay, here we go. Hey, gang. I work the night shift at a hotel where there are no cameras.

No other employees but myself. Meaning I could do pretty much whatever I want. Oh my God. Is this Norman Bays? Great interpretation of Brudo from Mind Hunter. Drunk Assholes, leave me alone. Hey, don't leave me alone, you drunk assholes. I got to do what I want, and I can't do what I want if you're here, assholes. All right, I'll go back to a human voice. It's pretty sweet to get paid to watch movies or read books most of the night.

I also listen to podcasts while preparing breakfast, cleaning the lobby, and filing various hotel paperwork. Wait, this dude's also the guy preparing the breakfast, by the way. That's a little weird. All right. I would just say, tell this dude to stay out of room 237. Oh. You know what I'm saying?

I see what you did there. That's where the, so the granny shaggers go. Which makes Monday nights my most anticipated shift of the week since I know there will be a new episode of WHM to listen to later. So with that said, earlier this morning around 4.30, I was listening to your live episode on Knowing. when the urge to urinate struck.

So I abandoned the hotel kitchen. Come on, Gibbons. You're not supposed to leave the desk like that. It's pancakes, not urinal cakes, okay? Ooh, man. No, they don't taste good. They look like they taste good. Urinal cakes.

In your basket, you've got urinal cakes. Eric's right, though. I've always like, you look at those. Oh, yeah, certain. I kind of just want to like take a bite into it. I know it's poison. I got to say I noticed you changed your little bath your bath your toilet water you got the tropical flush going on and got the tropical flush we go on and off with

the tropical flush in this house and it's been out of circulation for way too long and Chelsea bought a new one and I was like fuck yeah tropical flush class of this place up a little bit that is a season 10 toilet yeah this season one shit come on I'm ready I'm waiting for the wild berry flush you know what purple in the toilet would look nice purple in the toilet would Purple in the toilet would look pretty sweet. Yeah. Green isn't too bad either. That's true. You can go make your own. Oh, the cool. The sour flush.

Oh, atomic sour flush. St. Paddy's Day edition. All right, where was I? This guy was peeing and he ran away. Okay, so a band of the hotel kitchen and hurried to the lobby bathroom. All this time, I'm still listening to the podcast with one earbud in. I'm standing at the

urinal, when I noticed the bathroom stall is shut and a man is sitting on the other side taking an extremely loud and violent shit. Oh, wow, that shit was beating him up. It got violent. I say violent because the man kept groaning in pain and saying loudly, wait, groaning of pain and I say loudly, why do you think? Is this just editorial? And I say loud because why do you think?

Why do you think, man? It's loud in there. All right, because he's the bang, bang, bang. Oh, I see. Poop, poop, poop. Oh, because the use of loud, like a sentence and a half ago. This shit doesn't have a megaphone. It's just a trenchant toilet.

We're about to drop into your area. Coming down. Incredibly violent, incredibly close, incredibly loud. Isn't that that book that nobody likes? Yeah, the Jonathan Safep and Fowler. Yeah. No, people like that book. They didn't like that movie.

The movie. Yeah. Anyway, I try my best to ignore this man as he deals with his own misery and continue to urinate. I focus on the podcast in my earbud, only to hear Eric refer to internet people as webheads, which

immediately forces me to let out an unexpected laugh in the middle of an otherwise unfunny bathroom. You know, have you guys ever laughed while you pissed? That kind of... I feel, I once sneezed and like, I had to sit down for a month. Oh, yeah, no, that'll freak you right out.

Right? Then you got to clean everything. And then you were just covered in it. Oh, yeah. Completely covered. I don't think I've ever shuckled or laughed, but I have suppressed laughter a lot. When I am next to somebody who's really going for it, especially at work or something,

you're in the work bathroom and something like, eh, yeah. It's the groans. It's always the groans because they're so animated. Do their little. Oh, and stuff like that. Like, you're just like, please don't do it. You know those guys are dropping little pellet shit,

That's probably. You never had like a chuckle piss, though? Like if I go to the bathroom, maybe a lit, like a light. Let's say like theoretically, I'm smoking weed. Gotcha. Sometimes if I'm like laughing about something, I'll take it into the bathroom with me. And the fun doesn't stop. And I'm just laughing about whatever dumb thing I was laughing about.

It's dangerous because the stream is like. Oh, yeah. Oh, I have laughed. It's so crazy. You're shaking all the cameras. That's just fucking pissing laughing. I have laughed at the side of my own penis. So that makes sense.

By the way, that is our opening act in San Francisco, Portland in Los Angeles. Showing dicks. Anyway. All right, here we go. Yes, back to showing regular dicks. Here we go. All right.

He's laughing in the bathroom. The man in the stall obviously assumes I'm laughing at his situation. Yeah. And shouts, hey, fuck you, buddy. I'll break your fucking job. I had five bags of flaming hot Cheetos. Why do you think this is? Oh, Jesus.

I'm just picturing a guy, like, trying to wrestle another guy with, like, a half a log coming out of you. Something out of, like, Borat. Shuffling out of the stall. If you're going to beat somebody up while you're taking a shit, at least pinch it off before you strike the first blow. Pinched wife. But you don't know what's going to come.

Yeah, true. Anyway, I mean, it's, bathrooms are complicated. I say avoid any interaction. In the heat of battle, you could be taking a, shit anywhere. I mean, really battle. The Spartans in 300 in real life where it is all like huddling and shitting. It is honorable to go

after someone waltz shitting. That is called cloth crock on Klingon. A cloth crap. Yeah. Come fight me, wharf, if you can. While you shit. I were piss. Star Trek Klingons

present bathroom fight I will piss you laugh at you Oh you do not fight Oh you don't fight While sitting anymore The Federation has changed you What do you think a Klingon bathroom looks like Oh it's a trough

Yeah two Klingons one cup Oh my God I don't well I don't I don't know Do you think I guess if you know humans have definitely Eating their own shit Yeah

So there's got to be a shit Hungry Klingon maniac question you go in and I'm going to do this because we're videotaping here sure go into the bathroom right yeah please demonstrate you're a Klingon I guess you just take that sash off and you got a little hook

for your there's a hook yeah much like our coat racks or like the coat hook in a stall just take that off and there you go Mayor McCheese does the same thing oh I forgot he's got a sash yeah oh you think he's ever used it like he's just in a situation he's like oh man

TP is out he doesn't want to run to oh we wiped with his own sash Oh, yeah, that's possible. Flushed and clog the toilet. And that's why those McDonald's toilets are always locked. Meanwhile, Grimmis is just a walk-and-plop guy. Grimus is like the Cotonel Bears. Yeah, like he's just shitting and walking.

Yeah, but he's got fur, so he's like getting it all in there. Yeah, he's furry. So those bears, those commercials are always about like, I've got shit all over me. Pretty much. Yeah. They're a heinous. Is it Cotonel? I think it's Coton.

Yeah. They should all. Northern. I think it's Cotonel. Okay. And they should all end with them just going into a lake. Just through a lake and they're like shaking your butt in the lake. And my hide is clean.

And it could be a thing where it's like, Cotonel. For when you don't have a lake at your disposal. Cotnell, we can't do everything. Honey, we bought the lake house to jump in there after we shit. Connell, wash your ass. That's a slogan. Instead of apology. Wait, wait, hold on a second.

The anger in his voice sent. fear through my entire body as it should instead of apologizing i quickly zipped up flushed washed my hands and fled the bathroom i appreciate that he washed his hands oh of course yeah i would skip it he's at work too many people too many people skip it i got to say i in a situation in a violent situation i got fucking jack torrents coming after me when i worked in an office so many of the dudes there were just flat out never washed our hands and then suddenly like they bring in like mac and cheese from the potluck i'm like i'm not fucking touching that and then they're just like what's wrong

not hungry you should have called him out you should have been like no because i fucking saw you in the bathroom after lunch and you didn't fucking wash your hands Derek and that means you never do it that's true that is very true um yeah but i didn't call them out because i'm a coward okay fair enough um i made it uh back behind the desk just as the guest exited the bathroom looking around the lobby for the bathroom giggler.

Is that a Batman villain? Yeah, it's one of the low tier ones. Early Joker days, he didn't quite have it. How about the bathroom giggler? Robin, he's laughing at my shit. I can't believe no one's taking me seriously. I'm the bathroom giggler. Love that shit.

Tell the mayor no one can use a public restroom in Gotham. flush he gave up I got a cup of coffee and then approached the front desk and checked out the whole time he kept giving me

a look that he knew it was me and I kept giving him a look that I was hoping he wouldn't murder me well I'm the only other one in here it's got to be one of us I'm waiting for you in the parking lot Derek

just piece off in a Camaro oh yeah dude FYI he did not murder me. All right. Have you ever laughed at a movie? It's an interesting transition. Have you ever laughed at a movie or anything else totally innocent only to have it be

misinterpreted as something very inappropriate? If so, what were the consequences? Thanks for the countless, not countless. He says constant entertainment. That's true, but it is also countless. Look at that Patreon. If you ever come back to Central Texas, I'll let you stay at the hotel under my associate discount.

I like that. Max, thank you. Not if people are going to be laughing at me in the bathroom. So what did I ever laugh and the laughter was misinterpreted? I don't know about misinterpreted, but I just, the other night I was out walking the dog. Hi. And this woman, kind of like one of the local sidewalk people. It's a good description.

It's a small neighborhood. You know all of them. She's walking down the street and she's got a huge like Burger King soda cup. and the dog is kind of like sniffing a fence right as she's walking and I think she didn't see the dog you know and the dog didn't do anything she just kind of like looked up but the mere sight of a dog I guess like frightened her and she just went yeah

and like she stopped walking but the soda cup did not and it went flying and just hit the sidewalk and like seltzer went everywhere and she just goes oh fuck and I know it's terrible but I just fucking and started laughing, and I had to get out of there. I was the fucking sidewalk giggler, dude. I had to go.

Robin, it's the sidewalk giggler. So I was just laughing in homeless people. It's just me. I was walking. It's not again, it's been misinterpreted, but I definitely should not have been laughing at this. I was walking down the stairs coming back from a movie at the 60th Street

theater, and I was behind this guy for like two or three blocks. At one point, like very suddenly, he goes to the sidewalk where there's great and vomits like right into the grate. And I just start, I burst out laughing. I can't

help myself. I'm like, oh, oh, God. Yeah, that's great. Poor fella. I don't really have a good one, but I remember my former boss, like one day at the office, he was just like, you know, last night I went to the Ed Shewin concert.

And I just started laughing. It was not a good, thankfully his children were involved. Was it just him? Yeah. I think I'm almost positive, I told him here before, but I'll just say it now real quick. I got fired for my first job from laughing. Oh, really? Yes.

This is Steve Sadek classic. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. I worked at a bagel store. My first job in high, whilst I was in high school, I worked at a bagel store, making bagels in the morning. I wasn't very good at it. I was late a little bit. Never wash your hands.

No, never. No, never. As a matter of fact, he wiped with his hands. You wiped with bagel down. I was a little too slow during the rest. rush like literally this thing was not working out well but you know um it's going along to me and a couple other people and the boss uh was trying to get something from on top of a shelf the bagel boss through it oh fuck you worked with the bagel boss i did not work at the bagel boss i'm

taller than the bagel boss i'm pretty sure uh fuck you shay well you know what we're gonna make a guitar and a cream cheese on his bagel that guy's a fucking scumbag bagel boss yeah i just hate that he's like somewhat famousish. Oh, that guy. I was thinking of cake boss and it's just the bagel boss. No, no, bagel boss, dude. Is bagel boss, did I see you right? Bagel boss is involved in some sort of like F grade celebrity boxing? Yes, he is.

That's great. I think you might be running for president. It's all happening. Hey, prayers for the end of million dollar baby for that guy, dude. But really quickly, he's trying to reach for something on the top shelf. The floor is totally slick because it's like a bakery, so there's a lot of

actual legit breadcrumbs all over the place. Sure. And he slips and he falls. Yeah. I give a good little laugh there. Not like Danny DeVito. What was that? Sort of. And I give a good little laugh and he gets up. You don't have a job next week. We'll see if you laugh.

And I was like, oh, you know what I mean? Like whatever. Yeah. And then like, you know, it was way back when I was off the books, you pay me back, paying me in cash, like, all right, here's like 90 bucks and you don't come back anymore. I was like, So that Oh, so you actually meant Oh, I see

I am fired, okay, okay But it worked out to know Yeah, you're fine I'm doing okay You landed on your feet All these years later Chris Cabin All right, ladies and gentlemen

Mr. Frank Vincent, RIP The best It doesn't say RIP No, it does not But I'm saying RIP because he was great Well they should say RIPD RIPD I'm sorry Eric

Are you going to get over it. Clearly he's not. Yeah, yeah, he's going to stew for a while here. In the early to mid-90s, I was working as a bartender in a restaurant that was located in a historically designated train station in New Jersey. The restaurant, I'm sorry, it says NJ, not New Jersey. I'm sorry, I was about to catch that.

I was about to catch that. The restaurant was formerly in nightclub, and we were early in the days of changing the image of the place to that of a dinner club. I'm still not sure what a dinner club is. Nightclub versus dinner club? I think that's an older fashioned term. Then what's a supper club? That's similarly.

Right. I think it's like cocktails and racism. Oh, okay. Interesting. And I think the supper club is something that where somebody comes and cooks for you in your house. You get a group of people together. What?

That's insane. And then you group, you join hands and you do like a seance. Yeah, it's exactly. Roseberry's baby shit. Well, this, actually, the next sentence explains exactly what a dinner club is. Just read what this description is and you'll get it. owner had several bands through, mostly

playing standards. Frank Sinatra, Bob Darren, Dean Martin. So that it's a dinner club. So it is cocktails and races. Yeah, it's cocktails and races. It's a place I never want to go in my life. Yep. One night, as we were setting up for dinner and a few of the regulars off the train were at the bar, the band for

the night started bringing their equipment in. John at the bar is a friend of mine. What are you doing here? And he's only playing at a dinner club. I was in the middle of writing a real estate novel because I was a real estate novelist as many people are.

Everybody knows. The other bartender and I didn't pay attention to them. After a few minutes I noticed one of the bar flies pointing and excitedly talking to another guy at the bar. I look to see what he is pointing at but can't see anything notable. Just the guy setting

up their equipment. Very soon after the dude who was pointing and goes up to where the band is setting up, talks to one of the band members for a few minutes, hands him a napkin, and gets an autograph. I was very confused because the bands that we had come in, while good, were not re-autograph caliber bands. Oh, that's Marcy's playgrounds coming in.

The band finished their setup, played about a minute of a song, made some adjustments, and came down to the bar to get their drinks. Now, my interest is piqued. Who is this autograph seeker-worthy person? of course he stops to talk to someone else I'm a bit frustrated at this point he's just far enough away that I can't really see his face and just big is this restaurant

I mean you gotta have a band all these cocktail tables I guess that's true yeah is this just the place from Goodfellas it might actually just yeah all right and then he kissed me and just doesn't say that actually I'm sorry Eric

really sees face and just looks like a white haired guy in a sharp suit so I asked the guy who Got the- Girls go crazy for a white-head guy in a shop suit.

Bown-a-na-m-m-p-m-m-p. Please get out of the studio. I, too, was reminded of Zizi Top. Stayed quiet. So that's the guy who got the augraf, who it is.

The guy tells me, it's fucking Billy Bats, man. Yikes. Billy Batman? That's this. Hi, Billy Batman. Billy Batman.

Is that another Batman? I've heard a lot of Batman. My name's Billy Batman. He's from Shelbyville. You're like Nightwing? I'm really excited here. I was trying to process the information the guy was giving me.

I wasn't thinking character names. The gentleman starts walking to the bar and as I'm looking at him, the realization of what Barfly was telling me sinks in. Holy shit, Frank Vincent is playing drums in this band. Playing drums. Nice.

He definitely sees the recognition on my face. Mr. Vincent comes up to me and asks for a vodka and tonic, I think. it's fine nobody cares I get his drink using top shelf I'm not stupid he thanks me

and tells me to keep an eye on his drink get him a new one when he's low and to not let the ice cues melt while I'm bringing it to him oh man you know what that's just about enough of that listen you use your superpowers to keep that thing called

the whole time okay the whole notion of like never let my drink get low you fucking scumbags what an asshole RIP, by the way, rest of the beats for this gentleman. But also just in general. Here's all my Billy Benz. Not just Frank Vincent doing this, but like, anyone is like,

don't let it get low, don't let the ice you smell. Fucking suck it. That's the right answer because it's old Italian men always. Every time in the service situation, an old time, hey, come here, kid. Because they're only, those are going to be like 40 bucks at the end, which is kind of nice, but it's never worth it. No, never.

Plus, having to hear all those racist jokes. Yeah, there's also that. I wonder if they got. in hell it's possible I politely laugh and tell him that I will

I initially eh ha ha ha yeah yeah that's good I initially think that this is funny

believing that he was putting on the facade of one of his gangster characters that was until he stopped to talk to the guy

who asked for his autograph I moved toward the end of the bar to listen in on their conversation after a moment the guy sitting

next to the autograph chimes in with, are you going to play that old man shit all night tonight? Ooh. Mr. Vincent replies with, Kid, if you ever say something stupid to me like that again, I'll shove you back in your mother's vagina. Wow.

What a threat. You're going to get unbirthed by Frank Vincent. But I like the idea that they wouldn't, like he wouldn't play the old shit. I like, he's going to suddenly do like spin doctors. Yeah, totally. Now for this next one, you may have heard of it. It's called Little Miss. Oh, you asked for it.

Okay. Mrs. Mrs. Ellis, I need you to come down here. I need to put your son back up in your vagina. Sweetheart, you lay back. It's going to be fine. I'm carrying through on a threat. It's like a turduckin of some kind.

Like a cannibal, like Hannibal, like if Hannibal had Thanksgiving, he would put a man inside his mother's vagina. Oh, right. But the cat, put the cat of the guy's butt. Right, right, right. And it's really coming to. Yes, Will. Thank you for coming to my Thanksgiving party.

It's me and the Chesapeake Bay area's most popular serial killers. There are a lot of us on this show. I mean, it's like everybody. Most people are serial killers. I-95 serial killers, serial killer, serial killer.

Your butcher, serial killer. Hairdresser, serial killer. And this is just my friend who's a serial killer because he eats a lot of stereos. It was then that I knew more often than not, Mr. Vincent was just playing an exaggeratory version of himself in his movies. Needless to say...

In movies that he's in. He's not... It's not a Frank Vincent movie. No, yeah, that's a good point. Needless to say, I did my best to not let his ice cues melt in his drink and Mr. Vincent's tab seemed to get lost on the night nights he played at our restaurant.

He's a generous tipper. That's how that goes. All right. Always how that goes. Have you guys ever encountered a celebrity that's really only a slightly exaggerated version of themselves on screen, hugs and kisses,

Aryan and Indianapolis? P.S., you guys should come to Indianapolis sometimes. It's decent. He put that ellipsies in. Chris Cabin did not invent that ellipsies. Are you okay, Eric? Is that what I did that right?

Should I have said ellipsies? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. But I think I would like to go to Indianapolis sometime to play a show. Why not? Also, you could drive to Chicago. We're there a lot. So, yeah, celebrities

that were basically themselves. Slight diversion, because I don't really have that story, but I did. I was an altar boy for a long time. Not for a long. The priest was very much himself. You would clean in the Bronx, obviously, and there would be a lot of old Italian Catholic

funerals. You would clean the fuck up in tips. Oh, right. Every some old uncle You did a good job You did a beautiful job With this service Let's send her off okay It'll always be

The money is here The clasping it Oh wow I thought you were just taking it out of like The tip that goes around the jar Oh no no not the little Not the collection you think No no no

Give me a kid out You guys did a beautiful job on that service Thank you so much Oh I'm a little light today Here's a bag of my mother's sauce It would be gravy. Gravy apologies. Yeah, I don't know.

Celebrities that are like themselves. Edward Norton plays a lot of douchebags. He was a douchebag in person. I saw Emerald Lagassee at a hotel bar in Beverly Hills. Yeah. And he was just sitting there like a frog struggling to breathe. I couldn't believe it. Like, he was just like, oh.

Just like. It shouldn't be a bad day. Just like he's just. like he is on TV. That's true. A little bit. It's like a big toad. I was like, oh, that makes sense.

That's a problem. Emeril comes in. He wants to get a salad and they're like, Oh, it's Emerald Lagasse. He loves spicy food. They're like, here you go. Free of charge, Emeril. Here's fucking 20 frog's legs.

Yeah, totally. He's like, ah, my hemorrhoids will bleed after this. I just want that salad. And then he clasped those, those frog legs and put them in my hands. Just few kids. Frog. Frog legs. Those are my brethren, kids.

Right, yeah, I think it's part fraud. Listen, I know I want my mom to go to hell. Here's 20 bucks for you. I have to give that to the priest. Just covering all my bases. Can you, you're part of the clergy. Can you get this to the river man at the river sticks, please? Thank you.

All right. What's the next one, y'all? We are reading. We are talking about perfect specimens. Also, I want to just really quickly, this is the Nathan Hamel original t-shirt. Wait, let me get on your camera here. Touch your nipple again?

I can touch it. There you go. It's on threadless. You should check it out. There it is. Friend of the show. Great t-shirt. I look okay in it.

The shirt looks great. The shirt looks great. The shirt looks great on you. Yes. Now no one's going to buy it because they saw it on you. Like, oh. Wait.

Are they all worn by him? Does he wear them before they get to me? Oh, no. Oh, no. Now Nathan's business has been bankrupted because you touched your nipple on a camera. I like the idea that Nathan would send all. of his shirts to Steve, he would put them on and then they'd ship them out.

Oh, definitely. Pre-worned, dude. What do you think those tags? It's like inspected by 40? Because they're putting them on and being like, it's a shirt. And then taking it on. You got to check to make sure it's a shirt. That's true. It's a shirt. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Perfect specimens. Speaking of, Right. Hey, guys. I was catching up on older mailbag episodes and was struck by an email. By the way, on that WHM podcast, we've got the mailbags listed out now if you want to just that's a great website oh the o ashton podcast com it's a great way everything's like sectionized it's a beautiful website yeah we finally

updated it yeah it's very excited very excited we're very excited i was catching up on older mailbag episodes and i was struck by an email from a listener whose ex followed her to college oh right who followed her to college waited outside for uh her classes for her and ultimately gave her lice i do remember that uh it brought back memories of my own experience with a suitor turned stalker who, to his credit, at least never gave me lice. Oh, that's good. It started the first day of high school when a guy approached me after one of my classes with, hey, you Italian? Because I only date inside, you know, my blood. My dad was Frank Vincent. Look, I have the blood test kit right here. We can do all of it right here.

Are you Italian? Thanks so much. Doing a great job. Do a great job. Italian? Yeah. All right. That's two parts oregano, one part garlic.

Yeah, you're Italian. Which he had correctly deduced from hearing a teacher stumbled through my four-syllable

first name during roll call. It turned out to be he was also Italian, obviously. Since we were in a small town in central Florida,

it wasn't too common to run into Italians who weren't related to you. He walked me to my next class talking about how being new in town

and Italian and not. my jealous. So your mom sure serves a lot of spaghetti sometimes. She certainly does. So you hate the Irish as much as I do. You bring meatballs to lunch as well? I don't eat this stuff here, just meatballs.

Just meatballs. He's remembering how in the wedding singer when Adam Sandler's is getting paid in meatballs for doing the piano lessons. That's great. He walked in a... I can't remember exactly where he'd moved from, but his accent indicated his last known address to be a Staten Island dump.

But he was actually pretty cute with a karate kid vibe that extended beyond a speech pattern. All right, all right. So at first I flirt. La Rousseau-Latelli? Yeah. So at first I flirted back enthusiastically. Yeah, all right, all right. Even though he had one class together, it became his habit to wait outside each of my classes.

Oh, bye. to walk me to my next one every class every day that's just like instantly your property yes exactly and I'm going to dial 9-1 then when I leave the lecture hall

won again it got old fast besides our heritage we had nothing in common but it didn't deter him from talking non-stop I quickly gave up on the flirting and soon quit answering him altogether but it made no difference Oh, man.

He'd talk under the side of my face as I power walked through the halls with my eyes glued straight ahead for fear of an incidental eye content. Yikes, man. Since he had caught me so early in the school year, I hadn't made enough friends yet to afford that afforded me many opportunities

to escape his constant attention, and I became terrified that I would never be rid of him. Oh! After what seemed like a million days in a row of this, one night my older sister was at the local gym and while on the treadmill was interrupted by the greeting hey you Tony's sister holy tits

like some fucking killer workout shit dude like totally this definitely happened at Rhonda's workout and Tony with an eye by the way and that now leads me to believe the force it's an Antoinetta situation Antoinetta yeah might just have to count on my fingers no dude that's it's a Bronx special

Stephen Sadek, Italian name detective All right, now everyone's got a slip in a 20 She turned to see her tormentor Who she never officially met But knew of him from my stories And had probably seen me trailing all throughout school He started prattling on at her Which she attempted to ignore

Until he said, I don't know What your sister's problem is You girls should be dating Italian guys And she's got a perfect specimen right here Oh, dude. Was this dude's name of The Situation? That guy went to jail like a couple of times, I think. I think he's in jail right now, isn't he?

Yeah, he was like taxes. Yeah. It's always taxes. No, really, I'm a perfect specimen. The doctors said I was. Made in a lab. Look, I don't want to get into phrenology or nothing. I was perfect for the experiment he was doing.

I'm the great middle of a human centipede. I got the thickness for it and the head of hair. The robust garlicky center of a human centipede. Human centipede. Stay tuned. All right.

My sister's version of the story ends with her going in his face, but I've always wondered if there was more to it. Perhaps she followed up with a stern warning to lay off

or maybe getting open mouth laughed at in public from a pretty girl from his school was enough. But whatever she did work because he never talked to me again after that. It's been 20 years, and I've never dated an Italian guy. In fact, I took the Mrs. Sisker root

and partnered myself with Eric, with an Eric with blonde hair, and a surname that matches the drapes, good Lord. Thank you for many hours, the many hours of laughs, Tony from Vegas, by the way. Wow, that's something. I stole an Italian girl from the perfect specimen as well. Oh, that's it.

My wife is Italian. Well, that's the thing is they get, I'm pretty sure a lot of Italian women get really tired of Italian men really quickly. And, you know, to each of them, I'm a bit of Italian. I know a lot of my, a lot of people in my family. A lot of people get sick of you. A lot of people, a lot of people get sick of me. Yeah. Yeah, so.

Do you guys ever stalk anyone? I did not. No, that's good to hear. Never stalked anyone, never been stolen. No one ever wanted to stalk me. obviously. Soon enough, Eric. I will say, though, my sister would be the person

to go to bat for the family. She's like a little bit shorter than I am, which is really tiny, but a terrifying, intense person. Yeah. And she would, like, one time there was a kerfuffle at the orthodontas with my other sister. She came home upset,

and my sister called up this orthodontas office. Oh, really? And it was a, fucking to end it all was just like they closed the practice after that phone call

they had to it was just like where do you get off how do you treat people like this where were you raised like it is like it's like that

it's like that kind of shit wow uh which one am I reading a sex ed with Transformer you can do either one all right um

Sex Ed with the Transformers. Hey, WHM gang. Longtime listener, first time emailer. Been waiting to send you this little story for a while, so here goes nothing. It was the year of our Lord 2007. Nancy Pelosi was elected the first female speaker of the house. Steve Jobs unveiled the iPhone. The Departed was winning every award ever made. But most importantly, Michael Bay's Transformers was released. Being much younger at the time than I am now, that's what happens when 12 years goes by. I was sufficiently...

Yeah, it was a passing. I was sufficiently uninformed in all areas of critical analysis of movies but I loved me some Transformers I didn't get to see it in theaters I guess you didn't love them that much but eventually it started showing regularly on cable and it became a staple of my household

that I would watch whenever it was playing my god That's a lot of Transformers That's a lot of Transformers Sam Witwiki you should have seen me in the theater Sam Whitwiki you consider yourself such a fan of my people my people on the Transformers

Hey are you transformer You should be dating other Transformers You have the perfect specimen Right here Hey does your trunk turn into a butt Definitely does Got junk in it

Why are you saying that From my four syllable first name Optimus a good Optimus amante They chopped it off at Ellis Island Sam Woodwicky Ellis Island was a real chop shop Oh shit

Yes they also converted my exhaust port Someone stole my bumper It was Primo but they turned it into prime Oh Italian Transformers That's fucking great You should have my mother's motor oil My mother's motor oil is better than the motor oil you can get. I'm picturing like a little Ferrari with a babushka on.

Pardon me. I've been away from the home too long. I meant gravy. My mother's gravy. Ma, ma, I'm not hungry. Ma, I'm not. Put it back. I do not need an oil tick. Mother. Mother. No, ma. Ma. Unleaded gravy. You know what, Ma. It is fine that they have their own parade. we don't have to have anything to do with it Here's my great-grandmother

A Bicycle that's racist She was in the bicycle Thieves All right At some point I came across the movie on DVD Decided I needed it and came to own it So I could watch it even more than I already was My God!

One night I was watching the movie with my mother who had never seen it before. I'm sure that it was a magical night for her. There's a particular scene where Shilabuff's character is frantically searching around his room. His parents burst into the room

to find an uncomfortably sweaty shy. To this, the mother character asks, what are you doing? Were you masturbating? Da, da, da, da. The scene was either not in the TV version or the scene was edited

and having not remembered it, laughed then looked over at my horrified very Christian mother and asked what's masturbating? Oh come on kid. Just let it go. Figure it out later. Look it up later. We had the internet in 2007. Go to school. Go to school.

Go to school to masturbate. No, to find out what it is. It's eating really fast. Good night. It's when you don't pray enough. To this, my mother promptly replied, go ask your father. classic parenting move

Oh no, I have to go to church now And go to confession I haven't turned 20 Hail Marys I can never fit inside The confessional garage Meet my cousin Bumbobino

Maybe the Pope's a transformer It could be The Pope Mobile The Pope, oh shit Dude if the Pope just turned into his own car Drove away which I did and I proceeded to sit and received a long lengthy detailed sexual education

I had neither asked for nor it was ready for I want to know if there are props any stories about uncomfortable conversations brought about by movies love the show thanks for all the laughs and keep up the good work P.S. I was going to call this letter Michael Bay taught me about masturbation

but I wasn't ready for that defamation lawsuit, Quinn. A lot of people learned to masturbate from Michael Bay. Yeah, for sure. True. Mm-hmm. He had that video. What video? A fake video.

Instructional video? Oh, that's great. The film Bad Boys. Jack, Jack, Jack. Yeah, not for me because I never watched anything with my parents. I never asked my parents anything like that. I all, you figured it all out on my own. With the help of the Internet.

I remember my dad we were watching the Prince of Tides of all things And yeah My parents are divorced Sunday night Whatever was on HBO

We're watching At my dad's house And there's a scene Where I think Nick Dalty's crooked mother Goes up to him And his sister And of various

I think it's just the two And maybe there's three Yeah And she each on her deathbed Says you were my favorite This that and the other thing Which my dad had to stop The movie be like

I want you guys to know I don't have favorites and I'm like yeah I hope not I don't know like there's a fucking Prince of Tides over here dude like it's fine you're watching the Prince of Tides with us clearly none of us are your favorite I will say I had one of these

oh here we go yeah now keep in mind when this story happened I had I was fully aware of what masturbation was and what happened in the whole scenario you're practicing at that point I'm not sure about it was but you knew like before during an after this was like I was like 11

12-ish. So I'm in the car with my dad and my two best friends at the time. Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. And who starts MasterBair? I did. No. A real palm pilot. Thank you, Eric. Back-seat driver. They're in the back. My best friends are in the back seat.

Sure. And one of them makes a joke, like, oh, what were you jagging on or something like that? Yeah. And then. Classic comment, by the way. My dad, having the world's worst sense of humor. Just turns and says, you know what that is, right? Oh, man.

And he's like, you play with your penis and stuff comes out. What? Why? Remember to hit the like button below in this YouTube video. What happened then? Hey, you know what that is, right? Stuff comes out. They were wordless in the backseat.

Of course. Pink with laughter, like, barely hold. Like, they clearly. were trying to roar, but like their throats hurt because they were laughing. Oh my God. And I am just shrinking in the seat, holding myself.

It was horrid. Horrid experience. Well, I can't top that. You just set a piano on fire. No, no, no. I mean, I didn't really have anything. My parents didn't believe in... Masturbation. Well, the rating systems and stuff. So we watched whatever

you wanted and my parents would frequently watch movies. with us that were very much not suitable for children, but there was never, like, you never asked and they never told. It was just like understood, you'll go to your room later and you'll fucking stuff will come out.

I totally agree. That's always the move. It was the little mine family too. We'd watch like PG-13 R's as they came, not like not cruising specifically. It's Alpachino and cruising. No, but like, you know, there would be sex stuff or whatever. I would just like, okay,

I'm not going to talk about that. We're all Catholic. We're all living in shame anyway. Exactly. All right. Do we have one more? One more email here. If you, Eric, wanted. Wanted in theaters. Hi, WHM guys. In my 20s, I picked up my share of bad moviegoing experiences.

So when you guys did an episode on Wanted, I felt like it was worth mentioning that I not only saw it in the theaters, but it was the worst theater going experience I ever had. Wow. One day after work, I went to the AMC 34th Street, Street 14. That's one of the worst theaters in New York City. It's terrible. Can I say really quickly, I was there recently for Warner Brothers trade screening

of the fucking horrendously bad blinded by the light. And I had to sit there, watch this awful movie in where, to tell you everything that this movie is, because you shouldn't see it, two Pakistani kids defeat a bunch of English skinhead racists in a mall food court

by singing Bruce Springsteen at them that's that movie I had to watch that entire movie in the middle of fucking July when the air conditioning was broken dude the only thing worse than watching a bad movie in a theater is watching it

when you're fucking sweating your sack off so they stole the ending of Green Room then I will say all of 34th Street west of all 34th Street in general, just you're clear. It's awful. It smells terrible. It is only go there if you have to go see something at the garden. Otherwise get the hell out of there. Like any like 8th Avenue, that whole area like going up to Times Square to Penn Station,

you just want to kill yourself. I saw Alita Battle Angel there and good movie, bad theater. I recently went to the MC Empire in Times Square. Yeah. Awful too. It's really gone downhill. I can't believe it. Like, it used to be kind of on par with the regal across the street. Yeah. But now it's just like, it's way worse. If you're at the 34th Street, just go down to the Union Square, that regal there.

That's like similar experience. It's not great. No. I'm not saying it's great. So if you're at 34th Street, go down 20 blocks and then east a bunch is the solution. Yeah, it's not that bad. Why don't you just go down 8th Avenue to the Sinopolis? You're right there. Yeah, the 3rd Street. Great beautiful theater.

Anyways. Anyway. Movie theater recommendations. If you ever go to York City. That's true. That's true. Remember this episode. I arrived 15 minutes early and being someone who was too poor to afford any other hobby aside from wasting his entire day watching films, I had nothing better to do. So just chose the best possible seat I could find and wait it out. As the theater filled up, I ended up noticing there was a decent crowd. Soon enough, a lady came up to me and politely asked if I could move a seat so she and her boyfriend could get a spot. I obliged, ready to move, until I noticed on the other side of me was a man holding

a large parcel of stuff. Was this the stuff that came out? I don't know. Just took to see it. It was ready to nudge myself into. In that moment I froze. I realized what happened in my mind too polite to say anything was left reaching for a response. You don't fucking move. You got there so fucking early, you have the right to that goddamn seat. Yeah. Wait, so what is happening here? It sounds like someone's like grabbing the seat he was supposed to move into. At the same time.

Oh, it's all kind of like, I'm sitting here, this is a, this is probably a two per, like, oh, could you move down one so that we could sit together? And then as I have it, it's a big old fucker and puts a parcel on the thing. This exact thing happened to me one time. Okay, yeah. That's why I didn't get up. Yep. I didn't. I sat. I stayed.

Yeah. Sorry, it's my station. Good. Fuck you. There's a fat guy there now. When I finally gathered words, I explained to the waiting lady what had happened. Her attitude quickly went from polite to annoyed as I was sandwiched between a lady whose demeanor told me that she was, she usually got what she wanted. And another guy who was as lost as I was in this scenario since as soon as he realized what happened, he did not seem to understand her or my pleading if he could move. I again try to explain to her that you have fuck explaining yourself yeah dude sorry is it yep

just sit there movie's about to start yep previews was it a sold out theater for wanted was there no other seats apparently which is fucking nuts they said it was a decent crowd insane

so I tried to explain her that there was no room unless someone moves and she quickly replied yes someone as though hitting that I needed to get out of her perfect spot so they could both enjoy the film God, fuck you. Show up early, dude.

Yep. Yeah, exactly. As I continued... Got to say, Eric, this wouldn't happen with assigned seats just an FY9. Well, assigned seats happen when good men do nothing. I mean, for a big opening thing,

I guess assigned seats do have their place. Sure. Okay. But I agree with your statement that if it's 1 p.m. on a Tuesday, you know, but the problem is sometimes, like, when I saw once upon a time in Hollywood, it was like 11 a.m. on a Tuesday

but it was a big movie and it was packed so not always does that work well I tend to be a person who's like I might have like some OCD because I'm like the movie the movie's gonna start I gotta get to the theater so super fucking early oh yeah dude I'm there 45 minutes early no matter what oh yeah I want a metal like pinned to my chest for doing that

and I you know I should get the best seats because I got there early I mean yeah show up on time first of all reserve seats or no I'm sorry assigned seating has given way to a level of madness I've not seen before. I saw Godzilla like the fucking fifth weekend of that movie. 25 minutes in, some guy comes on with the flashlight on his phone trying to find his assigned seat in an empty theater.

Okay. All right, yeah. That's a bit much. I mean, I just want the option. I just want, tell me which theaters don't have a science seating. And I'll go there and you go to.

Well, you know, you're buying it on like Fandango. whatever you're the click in your seat again oh dude i'm just showing up oh you just but then they do the they do the click thing wait you're just buying your ticket in the theater lobby yeah what is this 1998 what the fuck doesn't matter with you they're not sold out they're never sold out you have to like walk in through saloon doors as it's the wild west because this is some crazy shit right here app app app app app app app app app and then you get

the fucking like here's the student chart because we're going to a concert now and then it's just like okay all right oh fuck I didn't realize that the purple thing was the screen so now I'm fucked oh I see yeah so many scenarios with it it could all go around you should probably just take your time figure it out probably just never leave the house as I continued

to reaching for some kind of solution a kind woman in the back interrupted to say that there was space in the back I just love now people are interjecting like could you stop the sea crisis was averted I began Seat crisis. Seats taken. Seats taken. You can sit here if you want to.

But I don't want to. I want to sit here. And then I was in a seat crisis again. A little that I realized that if I gave up that chair spot, I would have averted all things to come. I think it was about around the point where we're introduced to the League of Assassins or maybe after the protagonist quit. but after I but I started hearing these long snorts between the actions I turned and realized it was the man

who sat next to me had fallen asleep so it's not snores it's snorts the guy's sleep snorting oh yeah you're right I just let you know I had encountered

homeless folk who sometimes hang out in the theater before but I've never expected one to take a nap in the middle I don't know if this guy's homeless yeah you're just taking a nap You weren't there. He was expensive. Middle row during an action movie.

So it took me some time to realize why he was carrying a large bundle into his seat. Despite this, I continued to watch the film under vague whiffs of his breath that came with each pressing snore. And that tinted everything I watched, I guess tainted everything I watched with the distinct smell of pickles. I mean, this is wanted. This is just leave. Yeah. Either go to that fucking seat that that lady told you about it. Get the fuck out of there because it's wanted and who cares.

Fucking smelling pickles for two hours. Now it's your own fault. That whole area smells like farts anyway. It's just awful. It's an awful theater and an awful part of town. You're watching an awful movie next to an awful person. Sometime later, I think around the time the father's son fight happens, he began to wake up and pay attention to the movie,

saving me from enjoying the film in pickle vision. I embraced the film, but then this loud grating noise kept stabbing my ears. Every scene of the film was, this is just the movie, it's just terrible. Yeah, yeah, it's not good. Previous episode, by the way, being treated with commentary from one of the viewers from behind me laden with, yeah, and kick his ass! And other expletives that felt like the laziest impersonation of a call-of-duty gamer in the 2000s made real. Well, then it would have needed to come with.

a bunch of racial slurs thrown into your online gaming. That's also true. While this is nothing new to anyone, what made it especially painful was that was that the voice was scraping into

puberty and had a range that reminded me of Stephen's nerd impression if he did it while rubbing balloons with his hands. Yeah, impression. Well, now I'm not going to do it. How about that? Steve just

good recall. At this point, I had lost any and all immersion in the film. That wasn't going to happen anyway, buddy. The world of the movie. I saw this in the theaters at the Kauffman Astoria Theater and I could never get into the movie just because it was

terrible. Yes. I saw it at the Village East and I fell asleep. Oh shit. Did you bring your parcel with you? Bro my pickle breath, dude. So mindless action film that had become an endurance test to see if I make it to the end of the film without running from the chalkboard scraping narration of a young edge lord in training sitting behind me to this day i've never encountered a movie experience as bad as this

and and has if anything made me want to see more indie films and attempt to avoid crowds i saw that day i will say you say that but you go to some of these indie movie theaters you go to some of these retrospectives you get the old nasty pickle breath new year York people with the newspapers sandwiches from home dude I saw the farewell and I was like oh man a beautiful at the synoply actually

we saw it like 3 p.m. on a Sunday forget about it. Night of the living dead in that fucking theater. You can't go to the movies on a Sunday afternoon like that man you just can't do it. You just have the time things you see the big popular Hollywood movie Tuesday 11 a.m. Just call out of work and you see the indie movie

at like 10 p.m. on a Saturday. That's the move, and everybody goes to bed. Go to bed. Thank you for keeping my fiancé and I laughing. I'll look forward to your future shows. If you ever do a live show in Vermont, I'd be happy to catch you guys. And hopefully I won't have to move my seat for a cranky lady

or a guy with pickle breath or puberty, Best Don. Well, Don, you can avoid that by buying VIP tickets at Select We Have Movies shows. Now touring the West Coast, but I would like to go around. We do not allow VIP tickets. tickets in Vermont. I've changed everything. It's not fair that certain people get to meet the artist and other people can't meet the artist. You got to wait around, pay extra money to be a fat person with a fucking t-shirt on. Assigned seating. No, general admission for all. General

admission for all. All he's going to do is spit water on you anyways. Right in your hard working face. BIP tickets are ready. Ah. Well, I guess that's going to do it. I mean, you guys have any stories about bad movie theater audiences? I mean, we have, but we've told them 100 times. Yeah, nothing new. I mean, as Chris Rock says in that one special, you'll have some new shit happen to you. We've got to go out to the movies, have a bad

experience, and then come back and tell everybody about it. I think is the move. We want, actually, for next month, all your spooky stories. Yes. It's going to be October. That's right. Spooky stories for the spooktacular. Ghosts stories, fake ghosts. Bad costumes, the whole bit.

Bad costumes, the stuff that comes out. when you do the yeah also if you're shitting yourself that does well for us yeah yeah a couple of those it's been a while yeah we can do a sweeps episode of the mailbag all shit stories but that is the WHM mailbag for the month of September again get those emails in those weird spooky stories

we all hate movies at gmail.com until next time I'm Andrew Jupin Stephen Seda Chris Cabin Eric Siska take it easy So, you know, I'm going to be able to be. That was a HeadGum podcast.