We Hate Movies - S10: WHM Mail Bag: Plane Pukers, Amish Movie Night, Opening Presents Before Christmas & More!

Episode Date: December 26, 2019

On this month's special Holiday Mail Bag, the gang reads letters about folks dodging airplane marathon pukers, Amish kids watching The Karate Kid, kids opening their presents and playing with them before Christmas, and the dangers of the wretched "Movie Party" idea! PLUS: An actual tutorial some dude made about eating watermelon properly... posted to Pornhub? If you have a question for the gang, or want your stories read on the air, write into the mail bag: [e-mail]! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to W.H.M. Mailbag, everybody. I'm Andrew Jupin alongside the whole gang, Eric Siska, Christopher Cabin, and Stephen Sadek. I'm Elf Siska. What's that? I'm Elf Siska. Elf Siska. Hey, I'm Elf Siska. Oh, man, you and Bob Newhart, that would be charming. Oh, right, right? Well, I say that because we're all wearing Santa hats. because this is a holiday mailbag. It's on YouTube. We've got new video technology. So if you haven't checked

it out yet, check in now. You can see us wearing holiday hats. That's fun? There never was a Polish elf before. We never had one of those at the North Pole. It probably would take some time to adjust to Polish

elf. The problem is all the fucking wooden submarines you were carving and had screen doors on. Do I? Do I feed it sausage? Of course you do. So we have some letters here for the holidays. So Steve, do you want to kick us off?

I will with a non-holiday-related email. This comes from Steve, who is not me, who had this to say. Are you sure? I'm almost positive. I'm almost positive. Hi, gang. Sorry for the... There's a lot of stuff up front that I'm not going to read because I don't want to read it. That's fine. That's my thing.

Always fine to just get on with it. On a recent flight from Toronto to Paris It must be nice to be nice to be a little rich boy over here No comment Six hours plus I witnessed the most prolific in-flight puker you can imagine Hereafter known as Puky As we boarded

I shall call you Puky That's my Pixar short Puky Finally one that won't win the Academy No that's the one that will as we boarded I can't believe that pukey was

shut out as we boarded puky is loudly making noises and having trouble finding his seat oh boy we figured he was high and my girlfriend said

he'd be our in-flight entertainment she was right in a way during takeoff puky takes pukes into his hand

then flicks his hand back down the aisle spraying vomit on the floor barely missing his shoes. Now, again, I goes, so you're like, well, I've been, I've been puking before Puky,

so I didn't learn anything directly from Pooke. And see, the story of Puky is that that Fleck has to find the rest of the puk that's been mopped up to go home. Did he get Agent Starling or not, is my question. Madman

puky, dude. 10 minutes later, Puky remembers he has an air sickness bag and uses it. Hey, thanks. Better late than never, I guess. Soon after the cabin crew notices the spray down the aisle. All the carrots. I know, by the way, that this is Canada to France,

so I don't know what the air marshal situation is, but where is the air marshal? Take them down! It's an air mounty. And it's a le puke with cheese, I think they call it. Oh, I see. A little differences. Soon after the cabin crew notice is spread down the aisle,

they give Puky a few moist wipes to clean up. Since he's drunk and stupid He makes Wait, this is the first time That this writer is mentioning That the Puky is drunk I think so That's how we're learning

And stupid If this person was fat They'd be an animal And it's no way to go through life son Since he's drunk and stupid He makes a quarter-ass attempt To clean up the carpet Then spills his vomit bag

All over himself In the aisle Come on Puky! You know what? Everyone in coach gets to go into first class. That's how that goes. Everyone gets upgraded and puky has to be in the back of the plane. Oh, man.

It's a scene from problem, child. Yeah, yeah, it is. In the air. Where's Gilbert to be fucking getting vomited on? Under his seat is now a horrifying pile of vomit and paper towels. My girlfriend is trying to engage me in conversation, yet I cannot look away. Could you imagine? Sorry, babe.

This guy's thrown up. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's just getting good. But could you imagine sitting next to this guy? Yeah, that's awful. That's a story I'd love to hear. I mean, I really hope that this guy a gentleman's first class.

A flight attendant then sprays the carpet with perfume and throws a blanket over it. Yeah, that'll do it. Thanks. Thanks a lot, pal. It just will soak it up. Puky takes the blanket and uses it to clean himself off. Nice. This dude sucks and rules.

Flight attendant returns with some of that powder. You sprinkle out of carpet after your dog pees on it. The mess is sprinkled, then covered with more blankets. Is that like comet, right? Yeah, or no, it's like that weird. I've gotten this. Oh, we used it in the fucking theater all the time. Yeah, when kids would puke on the floor or I guess adults,

we dump this stuff and it turned the puke into sawdust and you could like sweep it up. So that's not comment. That is not. I was trying to loop it back around to the reindeer. Oh, no. So that because we got the holiday hats on the YouTube's. Unfortunately not, dude. The woman's sitting behind Puky asked for a new seat.

She has moved. The guy next to Pugy asks to move as well. But the only vacant seat is behind Puky. He takes it. You know when Puky's not on screen, people should be asking, where is Puky? Fuck, dude. I don't know, though. As far as we've been told so far, Puky's not like slinging it to the side, but slinging it to the back.

That's true. Yeah. I think this dude was safe where he was, to be totally honest. puky gets up he takes it anyway Puey gets up presumably to puk in the bathroom and staggers to a standing position this is when the air marshal has to take him out like three to the chest

sorry Puky this dude's a menace he's going to take us down with him who knows when he's gotten that vomit they can't check that that's true it could be outbreak it's like a final destination as he staggers in a standing position I hide under my thin airline basket

just in case he throws up on me. Airline basket. Airline blanket, sorry. Ew, don't use those. No, I never use those. I guess, though, when puke is flying all over the cabin. Right, it's like a Gallagher show.

You want a poncho type of. Your life's already over. You got carrots in your hair. While he's gone, I throw, while he's gone, I throw my air sickness bag onto his seat. That's kind of a favor. That's a good at move.

But, I mean, I feel like it should be like the end of, uh, it's a wonderful life. 100 letters for Santa Claus Everyone should be throwing these fucking things in there It should be raining down He keeps throwing up And then you need it Listen, when I smell puke

Get ready for puke Do you return? I've never been that way You just love the smell of vomit in the morning Well I get so hard No I've just never gotten Where like somebody Somebody puking has never caused me to puke I will say that

No yeah it's never been a stand by me Pie contest puke off for me But like have you guys Never done that ever gotten like air sick i don't think i've ever got i've never got air sick either no and i've been like really drunk and high in the air yeah but like this puky story sounds like i can see this happening in like 1930 when i was young i remember getting like a little air sick but like definitely not to that point where you're constantly doing it how much did he eat yeah i mean you didn't get sick to the

point where it was like a monty python gag no no no yeah i need more info he comes back and uses my bag during subsequent bathroom before? Wait, he came back from vomiting. Yes. And vomited again. Yes. How is that even possible? This is like a Ebola virus. Seriously, where his fucking stomach guts coming up?

He's fucking World War Z on the plane, man. I don't like it. You got to fucking you know what? Have everybody buckle their seatbelts open the door and throw this guy out. Seriously. You have to turn it into an action movie for a second. First you have to set the body on fire. That's your

only way you're going to get rid of it. Puky, get off my plane. And President Dick Hot Dog says off. During subsequent bathroom visits, I ask my seatmate for their bags so we could donate them. But they don't have any. The cabin crew is a fucking menace. The cabin group bafflingly does nothing to ensure

he has a fresh supply. Lacking any bags, Puky throws up into the in-flight magazine and then holds it vertically onto his lap. This guy. is drunk and stupid indeed. Seat 37D is a nightmare.

The floor seat, man, and his carry-on bag are covered. The plane must be destroyed. Is he vomiting clear liquid? That's a great question. What's left in there? Blood?

Oh, nice. Blood pukes. Get the fuck away from me, Stokey. Yeah, totally. Get the fucking away from me. Did something drop in this dude's eyes who was boarding the plane?

A crow was standing in the fucking airplane tunnel. The cabin crew have given up just ignoring puky while struggling to wield a beverage cart over the blankets onto the floor. Why am I sending you this letter? Great question. I like it. I think it's a perfect letter to send.

Hey man, I'm with you so far so good. We haven't had nice puk and shit stories in a while. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Well, you guys are all gross and I figured you'd enjoy it. But I also draw a movie connection. At one point during Pupocalypse or a Pukopulips, I like Pukopola.

Pukpocalypse, I think, is what you want. This was directed by Cronenberg. Yes. I attempted to watch the Will of Defoe movie at Eternities Gate. It seemed okay, but then I got distracted. Not a plane movie, by the way. I couldn't pay attention,

so I should probably give it another chance. Can any of you confirm if this movie is worth watching without Puk, which Andrew just did? Have you ever watched a movie but missed it due to external distractions? Thanks, Steve. External distraction.

So it's not your own. puke you just had uncut gems ruined for you this afternoon like I still really enjoyed uncut gems but I'm sitting there watching the movie and like 15 minutes into it some old lady's like are you in Roeke? Like fucking Mike Francesca's on the screen

I show some respect then I'm like yes this is Roque and then she asked the guy in front of me it's like that's RoeJ you didn't believe me that it's Roque I would love it if it turned into a fucking purple as a Cairo and you and my friend said he just turns out of Eric you got to tell this girl to find your seat

I'm trying to play this restaurant tour that's also a bookie you can't kiss Papa John the first person you get on the lips cannot be Papa John And then a guy behind me was laughing hysterically Like he was watching grownups or something The fucking people hootent laughing Every single thing it's like oh

Some dudes are roughing up Adam Sandler Yeah dude he's laughing up Adam Sandler Yeah dude he's not do boo boo bobbin in that movie at all it's weird man people laugh i mean i guess because it's uncomfortable after i mean that movie is fucking tense like really really tense sure i can't you know i it's it's gambling just don't do it yeah exactly uh any external circumstances ruined a movie for you one way or another or maybe you want to give it another i mean i don't want to talk like uh uh like people talking or like no yeah that we've got really bad oh no you get you go well i would say one time uh we were watching a private

meaning of signs at the old multiplex back in the day. Cabin, were you here for this story? Yes. And it was that famous rolling brown out that New York State had. Oh, right. That one summer. And it was like right when they're showing the handicam footage of the birthday party and the alien like runs

by the screen. And the second it ran by the screen, all the power went off and the emergency lights, like these floodlights turned on. And I guess it's the exact opposite because it wasn't ruined it all. It actually made it wait. We were all like, what the fuck like fucking shitting your pants yeah that's cool

realize like the power went out I had a similar thing at I saw castaway and when the FedEx plane was going down by the way ship with FedEx castaway says so um the floodlights came on and the the movie stopped you know it eventually stopped but I thought it was like this is really good effects like wow yeah I'm there 4D before 4D was 4D uh but yeah that's the end of that is but is there any puking like like like like maybe noticing an audience member being a fucking vile

monster. Not as bad as puke apocalypse, but in the industry screening at the New York Film Festival, the year 12 years of slave was there, someone started like during one of the horrendous scenes in that

movie, an old woman like ran up from her seat and I was sitting in the back of the theater and she like almost made it to the door and started vomiting. Oh God. It's like, I never heard an old lady wretch before and it was just kind of like

I mean the fucking decrepit donors that go to the Walter Reed during like the industry press screenings I saw an old lady puke once it was on a Metro North train and she was like barely keeping it in but then she finally got in the bathroom and then she came out and she was like sweating

and like oh man and then like went back in yeah it was massive puke sweats out of I forget what I think I might have Captain Marvel but I was behind I've told this story before I think but there was a young son and there's mother in front of me

and at one point he just starts like hitting his mother and she hands him the like those popcorn tubs and he just starts retching into the tub like not going to get up to go to the bathroom can't miss the second of this Marvel movie very audibly was there popcorn in it was he puking on the corn I didn't inspect

I would suspect no do you want butter on that or what and it was a couple of times. They pulled the lever a couple times there with that kid. That's gnarly. Wow, that kid hated that movie. And then he went and wrote about it on the internet. Chris Cabin, I believe you're up next.

You're in the letter reading. It's a movie English. Hey guys, my dad grew up in Amish country in Ohio. Even though he left the church, he wanted us kids to understand the culture. So starting in 1987 when I was 10 years old, he sent my brother and I to stay with our grandparents. in the servant time. It's like a reverse

Rumspringer. You got to go there. It's a work springer. Arbite Springer. Your game boy will do no good here, English. You're going to make bread. Day and day out, making bread.

Work on the farm and live as he did for a couple months each year. Kill me dead. I think it sounds pretty good. I think this is actually good for children. Round you out a little bit. Exactly. I turned out okay without any farm work.

Let me just say. Did you? Point. Dad was the oldest of 10 kids. Yikes. And his youngest sibling, my aunt Barbara, was only three years older than me. So we had a lot in common. What?

Look at that extreme tab. Got it. Oh, and the Aunt Barbara tab on board up. It's just her teaching you how to build a barn. It's different videos, a series. Search porn up for Amish Ant. Oh, dude, yeah, it's there. I'm telling you it's

there. All right, I'm going to look. You have to make hard candies at home. Should I look now? Is that dynamic content for YouTube? The big deal for Amish kids back then was when the bookmobile came every couple of weeks. Was it a horse-drun

carriage books on the back of it? Or, did it? Or alternate joke, was the bookmobile only allowed to pull up to the tip of the property and they had to find it's just a Toyota Corolla with boxes of books in the backseat drive through Amish country okay so this just did from the internet ticker I googled Amish ant porn uh-huh uh-huh and one of the top results is Amish mom porn son ma'am aunt real

real yeah no thank you no they have to please don't click on that girls go anal amish women fucking sons man that's i guess that's close enough yeah well the thing is you put an ant in there's like ah this guy's looking for family stuff yeah yeah and that's right i'm just had to google the fact you're like i what do we got for family stuff yeah by the way better make an appointment to get a new phone after that search also you on your wi-fi network out of curiosity also everybody knows the best amish porn is uh the parody wit nuts And by the way, there are some news...

Well, done. It took me way too long to get it, but that is fucking hilarious. There are some news articles that are too disturbing to read as well. Can I get back to it? One day when Barbara was gathering her books to return, I noticed that the first in the pile was the novelization of Karate Kid Part 2. That's awesome. Depending on the sect, many Amish kids attend public school

so that they can learn English and find out about the outside world. On the last day of school that year, Barbara's class had a free day where the teacher had shown Karate Kid 1 on VHS. Even though it was on 12 inch TV, it was on a 12 inch TV, and she was in the back of room, she loved

the movie and wanted to know more. So when she saw the book for Part 2, she immediately grabbed it. But isn't this like... They're just as good as movies. Yeah. Yeah, but this is like devil's temptation, right? They shouldn't be watching television. It's bad enough that they've got light bulbs. It's so fucked up.

I think the idea is you look at it and the strong Amish say no, thank you. Isn't the Cobra Kai kid rolling up a J in that movie? He is, he is. That's poisonous, man. He's rolling a number on the toilet. They must have got really excited when Johnny breaks her radio. Like, yeah, he did it. That guy's a hero in the movie.

You did it. Great summer. Now, come on home. For the rest of that summer, when doing our chores in the barn or fields, Barbara and I broke down the karate kids saga to an insane degree. It's one of my best childhood memories. Looking back, she was probably humoring a 10-year-old boy who somewhat, 10-year-old boy somewhat because I know how I could get. As far as I know, to this day, she has never seen the movie version of parts two or three. You know, Barbara, you're fine. No, remain Amish. No, no, no. Operation Show Barbara, Part 3, because it's got. Terry Silver. Got it. Karate's bad boy Mike Barnes

and other events there within. It's true. And a lot of bonsai trees. Just stick with for richer or poorer. Oh, God. That's like

cultural appropriation. It's awful movie. That might be a stay tuned. Yes, definitely. Or what happened to the Morgans. Oh, or did you hear what happened to the Morgens?

Yes, that's it. Oh, they were shot in the head. That's what I heard. Twist ending shot in the head. By the way, Barbara renewed the Karate Kid 2 books so that I could read it. And I remember, if I remember right, Miyagi uses karate to fix Daniel's car in the first chapter. Better movie. Well, we're going to have to look into that.

Better movie. He just like kicks the engine? I guess that's probably. Like Ryu. They just kind of kicks the engine. That's true. Test your might Miyagi edition. He just fixes the car.

No, the car has evidence and he has a break to break it down like street fighter. Oh, right. and does the legs. Thanks so much for all the laughs. I'm a Patreon subscriber and you guys are the best. Lynn in Missouri. Well, Lynn, thank you for not only your letter, but for the Patreon subscription.

Yeah, of course. I'm kind of curious about what Lynn thought about Karate Kid when he finally saw it, right? I mean, like... He loved it. He loved it. Okay. Yeah. How could you not?

Well, yeah, no, but it's just sort of one of those things like when you think you know what a movie is and then you finally you make up a whole story about it in your head and then you finally see it it doesn't match up yeah

maybe he was disappointed could have been I don't know just saying well now he knows about theme parks and girls and it's all over

I remember I once did because I was a shit heel student I did a book report on the novelization of home alone yeah you do yeah and nobody

they're like you know what dude did you actually read it though no oh because in that version though Joe Pesci dies of a broken neck. Oh, got it.

And they were the snowball bandits in that version because they would spit at each other's mouths for, you know, the... Why? It was an adult read. It was for the airport. It wasn't for you? That's why that dude was throwing up. Was it in the adult section? Was there like barn doors?

Hold on. Let me look for Home Alone porn. You're going to get... Your phone's going to explode. Home alone son, porn. I was just trying to think of other family. names. Horne alone. Bone alone is the Christmas rain. Okay. Yeah. Bone alone. That's a good one. So it's like, so Kevin McAllister realizes he can masturbate the entire time his family's God. Dude, yeah, Kevin McAllister would have figured something out like fucking final. He finds the fucking playboy and burge his chest. Well, he goes like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yikes. He's like, no, dude. He does that right. And I'm like, he goes out

ice skating as that crazy adventure. sure he buys the stuff at the store and what now then he comes home after he sees the neighbor and all that and then he's like maybe and that's a deleted scene god well he's also like awakening and he's also thinking about the lady at the at the grocery store he's kind of flirting with a little bit right yes yeah are you really 18 yeah he puts it together right like when he goes oh forgot about that when he goes the grocery store for the kids yeah yeah what a disgusting I was reminded of that scene in that abhorrent the movies that made us thing on Netflix.

Oh, God. What cheap shit, dude. It's like watching fucking subpar. Like, I love the aughts. Yeah. There's some fucking terrible narrator who's like, John Hughes decided to write Home Alone. It's like, you want to fucking,

speaking of puke tastrophe. I saw some of that at a bar. It was just on, the bar just had it on because they were playing Netflix. And it was the Ghostbusters one. And I'm like, I wonder if, Bill Murray is going to, like, obviously, it's only Dan Aykroyd. I mean, it's the same thing with Home Alone.

You got fucking Daniel Stern and Chris Columbus and, oh, and Buzz, of course. And that be all. And I'm sorry, I know for a fucking fact that Uncle Frank is still alive. Did you see him yesterday? I check it every once in a while to see if Uncle Frank has passed on. For the Ghostbusters one, they had a guy named Murray. That's sad. Yeah, exactly.

A guy named Murray. Some dude who works in a Jewish deli, first name Murray. I kind of feel like Bill Murray is trolling Dan Aykroyd when he pretends he doesn't like Ghostbusters. Oh, come on, buddy. Come on, old pal. You know we had such a great time making that movie. Yeah, if I had to see what my best movie with Harold Ramos was, I'd probably say, Stripes. Oh, come on! You said him a bitch! Everybody knows that's not true. That's not true. Stupid Super Tank.

So the next letter... Oh, right, right, right. Sure, sure, sure. Is Christmas Rade. Which is why we're dressed like this. It's what's going to happen in here if you keep fucking searching for stuff on your phone. Christmas raid in the studio, dude. They finally got those We Hate Movies, boys.

Listen, no one cares what you search. They got the chair for what? All four of them. Hello, gang. This story takes place in Toledo, Ohio, in mid-December of 1998. How perfectly specific? One weekend, which weekend was it in mid-December,

you son of them. Give us the facts, the real facts. What hour of the day was this? One weekend my parents had to go up to Michigan to visit friends. They had to visit friends. Necessity. Hey man, you got to keep up relationships as you get older. It was the Parker's.

Which park? What, Peter Parker's parents? They had the Peter Parker's pepper. I don't know. Are you talking about Peter Piper, dude? Peter Parker's Spider-Man. Peter Piper is a guy that eats It's peppers, right?

Yes. Oh, yeah, dude. I want to look that up on Pornhub. Eating Pepper Porn. Oh, yeah, look at him. Eat that pepper. I'm doing it right now. No, seriously, do it.

No, eat pickled pepper porn. Read some results. Okay. That's what people want. Just dynamic content. They want you reading results. They definitely don't want us to read these letters because I'm definitely not. I really didn't know on to go.

And after some debate, they said I could stay home for the night. I was 15 years old and a nerd. So my parents were comfortable with leaving me home. Malone. Oh shit. Bringing it all back around. Oh, no. You're laughing at the pepper porn?

He's laughing at pepper porn. No, well... Read the pepper porn. First of all, I think when you type in eating pepper into a porn of, it thinks you mean something else. It's like, did you mean? Oh, eating pussy.

Yeah. But there is... That's a bad word, don't see it. I don't know what this is. I'm just going to play the audio of it. Oh, God. Oh, no, I like this. I like this.

It is. we get removed from you too all right i am i am on the board ready to mute the channel at any time now it is what i can only describe as a derelict looking man in a table and then with a watermelon and a spoon and the and the title is how to eat a watermelon so i'm excited okay this is on porn hub it is on porn hub okay hello watermelon students today i'll be doing a two on the correct way to eat the watermelon, as you can see right here. We have

one serving. One serving of watermelon. One serving is one half of a watermelon. In this case, it's a seedless watermelon. I probably would prefer the seed type melons, but this one looks

pretty good. Oh, dude, I'm going to start jerking off in a minute. I'm lucky to think you're supposed to eat watermelon with a four. Real heads know that the seeds are better. You will last five seconds eat this waterbell. And, of course, that's not true. It's a fork.

There is a fork. And the fork cartel many years ago. Fork cart. Sort of brainwashed people into thinking you're supposed to eat a watermelon. I love this. With a fork just in an attempt to sell for. Wait, just to confirm once against you. This is on Pornhub.com.

We should start posting the mailbags on Pornhub. Dude, I'm watching also. There's, you know that, if you're familiar with the side porn hub, which I might be, they have that, like, graph as to, like, when the most watched part is. And this thing is a fucking spike going all the way down. Wow. So. And the first utterance of fork cartel.

What's his username? We, we aired some of his content. That's fair. That's totally fair. The watermelon man. I locked my phone. It is magician Oz. Okay, magician Oz.

Thank you for your contributions. Check the rest of those videos. Dude, I'm just saying this watermelon thing might be an anomaly. Everything else is fucking gigantic dicks. Well, you know, that, listen, you don't go find, don't go looking for stuff we talk about. You just had to, legally, we had to mention. I might watch the rest of that video a little bit later.

Oh, that's fucking great. With your pants down. Yeah, we didn't, obviously, by the way, if you kind of forwarded ahead, that dude just eventually stands up and starts jerking off. I think so. Like, gotcha, this is an instructional nothing. I don't even know.

what we were talking about before. No, the kid was staying home alone. Got it. For extended periods of time, because his parents knew that he had not discovered booze or tall glasses of water. Marijuana. Deadly stuff. Funny enough, I was at a bar right before I came

here, and two of the old timers there were saying if marijuana was legalized in the United States would be right back to the murder rates of the 70s. Oh, I bet. Man, you know, I hate that you go to my neighborhood bar in the afternoon. when all the fucking creeps are there because they're not there at night.

It's a whole different kind of creeps. They're way more progressive. That's true. They're just perverts. They're just eating watermelon on board. I was a huge Nintendo and Star Wars fan. My dad was always very supportive of my gaming and would actually enjoy watching me play different games

like Zelda, Mario, and Shadows the Empire for N64. I will say that probably because you shut the loved boy not loved not like you've dear dear letter writer you are not loved father just was able to not hear your fucking shit for a minute yeah that's a good occupy your time oh i can lay here drunkenly on the couch while you play that yeah

what's your score there jibu yeah you got uh you got to find that fucking key dude no keep looking you pick up his organs afterwards that's disgusting Justin, Jimbo. I'd like to see Mario fucking do a back flip after having three fucking kits.

Can Dr. Mario write me a script for Oxy or what? Let's see Mario hold down a real job in the real world. How about that? I never seen him fix a fucking toilet. Every Christmas he would tell me to give him a list of

five games and he would get every one of them. Fucking Christ. You're right, little rich boy here. He was also a huge toy collector. Okay. Now things are coming together, by the way. He's a Superman villain. He also would make videos about how to eat a watermelon. He actually sold his Star Wars toy collection in the mid-90s to put down a down

payment on our new house. Oh, wow. That's a lot. That's, I mean, that's crazy. Also, now you wonder, like, did he sell too early? Yeah, maybe. That's a great question. He could have bought two houses. He waited a little longer after the mid-90s. I think he had a crap childhood, so there is something psychological there but hey I enjoyed the Nintendo games and my dad is a good dude nice allegedly anyways this year

this year number one with a with a blaster bolt on the list was Star Wars Rogue Scroogeon I'd read about it on IGN Nintendo Power EGM GamePro etc for a year and it was all I wanted to play Nintendo Power is still fucking around

Oh Nintendo Power this is old well yeah but Rogue Squadron isn't an N64 games This is like 20 years ago. But also, I remember reading those game pros getting excited about video games. Really? Oh, yeah, man. You never did it? No, I didn't do it. I read a Nintendo Power or two of my day.

Yeah, I had a few Nintendo Powers laying around. It was kind of a game pro kid. You were a gamer, man. Yeah, it was a bit of a game. Where did you stand on Wizard? Uh, you know me and Wizard, dude. Did you have a subscription? I didn't. I never had a subscription, but I would buy every issue I could.

Really? Yeah. And you're still a massive gamer to this day. I am. You're Pokemon shielding it. That's right. Yeah. Why you didn't go for the sword?

It's just a Pokemon game. Oh, okay. You use your shield to like smash them down, crush their faces. That's so you keep them underwater. No, I don't have time to play it. I bought it. It's collecting that's all my games. Yeah, exactly.

I bought it. This got to be fucking awesome. But it was. And I'm like, I do like the replacement thing. It was like it was Breath of the Wild. I got stuck on that photo thing. I never looked it up. Then Untitled Goose game came along.

And that's kind of where I'm at. You don't have to finish the photo thing until the very end. you know. You don't have to do that. I know. I know. I know. I know. Anyway. Anyways. My parents leave from Michigan. I waited about 30 minutes to make sure they didn't forget anything. And I rated the Christmas gift stash. Fuck, this always blows up in your face, dude.

A little stink of him. I find the boxes that were clearly N64 games and very carefully cut out the side of one. he's got the glasses with the different lenses it's like a fucking jeweler a scalpel is going across it he was trying to find rogue squadron and I figured they wouldn't notice the clear plastic missing and rip it off I then proceeded to open it up and save the galaxy

as the immortal rogues this is rough I'll tell you because all right you want to open it up see what it is fun. Now you're fucking playing the thing. You're in hot soup right here. I'm telling you right now you're in hot soup. What are you going to do like inject it and put it back and pretend? It's a lot.

Well, you need like a clear glue too. If it's like Elmer's, you're going to get caught. I think you're going to try to open it up and act like you're so excited to play. Like what are you like an actor? Oh my God. I did. Jacob Trombly. Do you think you're like a Jacob Trombly?

I did exactly this, by the way. What? Yeah, me and my brother did this for a game called Spider-Man and X-Men Arcades Revenge, or the Super Nintendo game. We opened it and played it the week before we did Christmas. Oh, yeah, dude. And then you rewrapped it. Yes.

And then pretend like, oh, wow. Well, we just, like, kind of very carefully opened the pack, the wrapping, as you would. Left it all out. I remember we cut the seam of the shrink wrap and then just kind of kept the shrink wrap on. Remove the game. Genius. Play the game. This is some surgical shit, dude.

My brother and I one time searched for presents. I don't think my younger sister was involved. We found them. We opened a couple. The wave of guilt immediately. Yeah. We fucking stopped. I don't do that G word, man.

One year I was searching for presents and I found all the coal. And I got so guilty that I'd saw my coal early. Yeah. anyway I figure they were so excited to play with the cold that you burned it that day and then had to go find some more exactly then I found all these diamonds

and I was like shit that went too far this cold's ruined not even a bag of nails nothing but coal oh yeah bag of nails dude I fucking make my own IED that Christmas movie the littlest Christmas terrorist

I figured they wouldn't notice the clear plastic missing and I rip it off then proceed to open it up and say, oh, yeah, I read this already. But then he spent the entire day playing and beating the game. He beat the game. And then I re-taped the wrapping paper and put it right back where I found it. I mean, you might as well fucking return it to the score.

Yeah, really, it's done, dude. Well, uh, Jim Boy, not playing any Rogue Squadron. Didn't you like it? Didn't you find it good? Oh, you don't like Star Wars anymore? They like Star Wars. Okay, because you don't like Star Wars anymore. No more Star Wars gift.

If you don't like Star Wars that much, I guess I'll get rid of the house. bought with Star Wars. Must be playing it when I'm asleep. That must be what's happening here. Most teenagers in this scenario have friends over and get bombed. I decided to play Rogue Squadron, sober, and alone. My early teenage years

in a nutshell. There's nothing wrong with that. My parents never had a clue I did this. Absolutely no regrets. Love playing that game. As a parent now, I sometimes think, this is a crazy twist. I fucking playing with Rogue Squadron alone.

I thought that's what you'd do for the rest of your life. Now I sometimes think about it as if my kids will do something like this and I secretly hope so. What say you, WHM gang, did you ever raid the Christmas grifts? We got a little bit about that for Steve. Happy holidays.

Mike and Cleveland, thank you, Mike, for the letter and being a little disgusting shit boy. Breaking into your parents' presents before the date in question. Are we unwrapping some watermelon right now? Is he got a grape video?

Yeah, that one also has a piece of watermelon that attached to it. So what we will do now is we will get rid of the evidence by eating the watermelon. This guy's playing a bucket of a lie? He's playing loggs, rogue squadron. Marshmallows and watermelon go together very, very, very well. What? I just, I zoomed ahead a bit. Marshallows get involved, guys.

I'm telling you, my end of that video, that dude is fucking cranking it, man. I'm telling you. He might be fucking what's left of the water. Oh, yeah. Well, he is making perfect little hole incision. Yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah. Not so much of a twist ending as a, what the fuck did you think was going to happen. Mm-hmm. Uh, all right. All right. So let's see here. Going to audience.

The last letter. Here comes. Last one. gang last one of 2019 audience interaction colon it's bad folks agreed yep what uh dear gang

first uh huh ooh beer uh first i want to thank you for the countless hours of entertainment and making the droning process of life more enjoyable uh you're welcome i'm writing in to tell you about the alamo draft house a chain of movie theaters popular in texas and all over the country yeah everywhere i was a little perplexed by Well, they just opened in L.A., I think, recently, right?

We're just getting slowly. We got three in the New York metro area. Soon to be, actually. There's two, soon to be three. Soon to be four. One's opening on Staten Island. Oh, well. Yikes.

I'll never go there. So it's Yonkers, downtown Brooklyn. What's the third one? There's going to be downtown Manhattan. Oh, I'll find it. Oh, come on, dudes. So yeah, find me down there, dude. Blah, blah, blah.

I myself am from the Midwest, but a school of a small private arts college. Private. Nonetheless, my girlfriend had the idea. Oh, girlfriend. Oh, idea. Search idea on Pornhub. It's the best idea for a watermelon.

Event help. You put the ideas in the hole. That's where the whole ideas go. You fuck the idea. That's the idea. Fuck the idea until it's a marshmallow. This is a video. marshmallow has come or one man that's a good question it was just like come he like used like

what i guess what would you use to like bolster i guess like thinning out but also make it more oh i couldn't possibly be maybe a little flower and like we whisk it you get a rue going yeah nonetheless my girlfriend had the idea of going to one of their movie parties they offer oh that's fun uh for those that aren't aware in their own words movie parties are in quote interactive participatory screenings that bring the on-screen action into the theater. Kill me fucking dead. Nope. Made one of these for Lubowski or was like one of the

quote-alongs and one of the fucking just shoot me in the face. No, thank you. No, can't do it. Sounds fun. Nothing can be more magical than a crowd gathering together to enjoy classic movies. That part's true. Therefore, my girlfriend wanted to go see Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a fantastic movie. Two strikes already. You get those fucking goblins out there. with the Monty Python fans.

And I'm a huge Monty Python guy. I love that movie. I just rewatch that movie. It holds the fuck up. It does. And some of the sketches are great. Some of them are not so great. But like the fandom is, you've got at least a dozen Spanish inquisitions.

I know. Fucking in the back row. I think we're going to hear some of this in this letter, probably. We arrive and beforehand they give us coconuts and a plastic sword and a pamphlet with instruction. That's too much already. I'm sorry. the coconuts? No. We're not all riding horses. Yep. I knew this was

trouble. As it said on the pamphlet, every time they fake gallop, they wanted the audience to smash them together along with the film. Kill me dead. For those unaware, Holy Grail features this gag numerous amounts of times and after two minutes, the coconut smashing was enough for me to want to kill myself. See, you know, as for the blow up swords, there was a lady next to me who every now and again would prod me with the sword. She was clearly intoxicated. The downside of these theaters

that's all booze. Also true. The worst was yet to come as the pamphlet also stated to quote the movie as much as you want, which meant the Joe Bob fucked behind me that knew every line this was his moment to shine. I can still hear his cringy loud voice

saying, Tis B to scratch. Almost as if he was trying to impress someone or anyone. You know let's just cut off all my limbs. I'll enjoy the movie as a limbless person. The green knight in that case. Yes, the green night. Black night. Black night. Oh, did I forget. The green night actually was when we went to medieval times for Chris's day. We were all seated

in the green night section. Speaking of being drunk in public. That was great. That was great. We should do that again. I would totally do that. I'll go there and I'll go there tomorrow, man. Needless to say, this ruined my movie experience, and I never wanted to do anything like this again. The only positive being I had seen before. The other movies they feature, if you are wondering, Scott Pilgrim, Princess Bride, Elf, Bad Santa, Kiss Kiss,

Bang, Bang, The Grinch, 2019, Blazing Saddles, Pulp Fiction, Sean of the Dead, Dumb and Dumber, A Nightmare, and Elm Street, The Mummy, singing in the rain, and Love Actually. Good Lord, I wish they just offered watching classics without having the experience ruin. Yes. Yeah. I was wondering if you have any other experience with failed movie experiments or events

meant to enhance the movie experience. A good example is a lake in Austin screens jaws and allows viewers to float in the lake at night or perhaps the opposite, anything that can actually enhance the experience. Regardless, thank you for everything and even my poor ramen-eating ass is considering Patreon. Best Ethan B.

Well, thank you for even considering Ethan. And I have to say, you know, can enhance a movie? Some good old-fashioned marijuana. Absolutely. that's what can do it man and you know what you're not fucking bothering anybody no coconuts required if you're of legal age in certain states

yeah I cannot go in for that stuff I remember Steve you and I caught there was a new 4K of Lubowski that was going around earlier this year and it was the first time I'd ever seen it on the big screen I've even played the movie at the Burns

and refused to go and I was like you know what it's film for him it's fine and we got a little ripped outside and we were quiet but we were laughing but there was like even the slightest bit of talking and I was like, you got a fuck I'm kidding me! Because I know it's quotable

but that's not what I'm there. I'm there to see Jeff Bridges do it. I want to hear John Goodman yell at Steve Buscemi. The movie going experience is gone. The way we've we've cowtowed the crowds. Oh, you could be any sheet you want. Oh, yell at the movie, yell at it. do it. Do what you want. It's your movie.

I like the... Now it's fucking ruined for everyone. I like the... All of that stuff I've always hated. Like, I've always loved the room. I'm not going to see the room. Not throwing spoons or whatever the fuck you're supposed to do. And it's a movie experience by watching it at home. Also, what you're doing is like aping the thing that Rocky Horror Picture Show did like naturally over decades and like that whole thing evolved. Even that though, I'll tell you what... I went to... I went to that. It was not fun. My sister was in a stage production in college and we drove up.

it was worth it alone to see how uncomfortable my father was the entire time was fucking great. My sister pulled me on stage to dance at the time warp and all that stuff. But there was a dude front row who like people were doing the shout out thing and it was encouraged but then this guy

I don't know if it was like advanced Rocky Horror or this dude was making shit up but it was a thing where like the call out thing happens and then this dude was like and you can tell he was like cramming a bunch of words

into like dead space in the soundtrack? That's what this was with mine. It was just like everybody had their thing and some guys were like it was like a different kinds of like some people were Baptist, some people were Methodist, some people were Methodist, you know what I mean?

Like some people yell at this part and I just like made my head spin. And then you as the Catholic are just sitting there quietly. Yeah, I guess that stuff also naturally develops at a place like that where you're so hardcore about like no talking or we'll keep.

you out, like, what is the alternative you offer those things? And that's fine. And if you like that, that's okay. I'm just saying, like, I think it's really fucking dumb, and I would never, ever attend it. It's not for me. I would float around in the lake watching Jaws in Austin. Yeah, that sounds cool. Let me tell you what, I probably have a beer in that flow. Here's the thing, an atmospheric,

because the thing is, why I went to Ragi Horror was in a graveyard. Like, that's kind of cool. Like, show me a horror movie in a graveyard. I'll go. Everybody just be quiet. I like outdoor screenings. Or drive-ins, like that kind of thing. It has to be a thing that you've seen. a thousand times though where it doesn't

matter if some assholes dragging a cooler in front of you during a point you know what I mean? Don't have it be a thing you haven't seen or aren't really familiar with because then you're just going to inevitably miss the movie because someone's fucking barbecuing next to you or whatever. I do like I don't remember

the name of it. It started in the UK I think they sometimes do it here this like super immersive cinema thing where it's like 4D 4X or not that stuff no no no it's like they did a thing for Ghostbusters and like you walked into the event space and like everyone

was dressed as Ghostbusters there was a set there was a whole like that's kind of interactive thing they drove in like an Ecto 1 I brought my own slime and then I think like after all the shenanigans are done then they just play the movie got it and that's that you know what I mean

but yeah these movie parties keep it goes very well with watermelon if this guy was having a weird party though I don't know the marshmallows quite covered with watermelon juice here. This is a tight marshmallow. And I will take a spoon

and dig into the peanut butter. What in the fuck? Now there's peanut butter? Please, fast forward to the end of this and see if there's a dick. He's eating peanut butter and watermelon together. It's only a minute left. We did the final minute.

He's chewing. Do you see his face? Yeah, oh yeah. Watermelon. That, well, that, damn it. Peanut butter and marshmallow together. Oh. And other things that go good, other foods that go good with watermelon.

If you're eating a watermelon and you're very, very hot, and the watermelon alone doesn't quench your thirst, what beverage goes with watermelon? Correct answer? This is chocolate of milk. What is you talking about? Do you say chocolate milk? Yes. You can add ice cream to watermelon.

You can add whipped cream to watermelon. It's all quite good. This is too much. Happy eating watermelon students. Watermelon students. Fuck, did someone pay for this course? The end, Tom Willett, 2012, FYI. Speaking of...

Wait, Tom Willett 2012, did you run for president? Possibly. I'm on the watermelon ticket. Kind of interesting that movie took place in the same year as Uncut Gems. By the way, I should mention that all those old Gallagher specials are now on Amazon Instant Prime.

Really? Yeah, I watched Stuck in the 60s. It was terrible. You don't say. Maybe we'll have to figure something out for one of those. Gallagher commentaries. Oh, that's an idea. All right, gang, that's going to wrap on the December mailbag. Again, if you have questions for us or you want your weird

stories read on the air for us to make fun of, we all hate movies at gmail.com. come. Until 2020, I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Zadak, Chris Cabin. Eric Sisker. Take it easy. That was a HitGum podcast.