We Hate Movies - S10: WHM Mail Bag: Third Wheels at the Movies, Theater Toilet Misunderstandings & Watching Gallagher Suck

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

On this month's episode, the guys read letters about people being the third wheel on movie dates, getting wrongfully accused of wrecking a movie theater bathroom, buying Legos with Harrison Ford, watching bigoted comedian Gallagher be a jerk, and more! If you want your stories read on the air, or if you have a burning question for the gang you want answered on the show, write into the mail bag— [e-mail]! And remember, you can always WATCH our Mail Bag episode over on our YouTube channel, along with tons of other exclusive videos! Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a Headgum podcast. Welcome to WHM Mailbag, everybody. I am Andrew Jupyton alongside Stephen Zadak, Eric Siska, and Christopher Cabin. We are here working out, apparently. No, we are not. If you watch, you know, this is audio and video. If you go to YouTube.com slash we ate movies, you can see me working out right now. Oh, got that nice 40 of Coors life.

I'm drinking at the podcast. I'm drinking at the... Drinking at the gym. It's terrific. No, we're here to read letters, right? We are. It's the mailbag. Before we get started, I do want to say. Breaking news. Just because I started last night to pack, because we've got a tour coming up, but I pack months in advance.

I am. What? Months in advance. You know what? He's joking, but it's also, like, totally true at the same time. I can see you trying to figure out T-shirts already. Well, I'm already talking about the airport. Like, well, if I get there at, when I get there at 8, for the 12 o'clock flight, yeah, if I get there, what is that, Four months in advance. Now, where is the best breakfast sandwich in that area? Got to factor that in?

You're going to start living in there, like the terminal with Thomas Hanks. No, I wait for flight in June. Is me, I wait for flight in June. I eat ketchup packet diet until this show. No, we are going on tour. Of course, every year we're on tour, by the way. But the 2020 tour is starting this summer. This June is kicking everything off.

Absolutely. Doing sort of like the middle of the country, man. I'm digging it. A lot of good food. A lot of good alcohol. The spine of the country. We're going to be in Detroit, Michigan on June 6th, doing Robocop 3. Robocop 3.

And then June 7th, we're going to go to Cleveland, Ohio, Nightmare and Elm Street, 3, The Dream Warrior. Starring Larry Fishburn, which I'm very excited. Oh, that's right. Almost at WLM. Pretty damn close. It's fine. It's fine movie. Out of the Fredericks, it's like the best.

Out of the Fredericks. The first, the second and the third are like the best one. John Saxon is murdered by a skeleton in this movie, everybody. Fucking come on. I far prefer Fredericks of Hollywood. Oh, yeah, you would. And then we're taking two days off. We're taken two days off because that it's on June 9th,

we're going to be taken in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Yeah, a lot of people get kidnapped in that town, I bet. I guess. So Cleveland is the seventh, and then that's the, The nine. Yes. So we're taking one day off. Yeah, well, they're a travel day.

Counting skills need not apply. And then next week, the next week on 615, we'll be at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte, North Carolina, doing under siege, Chris Cabin's favorite movie. His favorite movie. Dude, all I'm saying is Tommy Lee Jones wears a bandana and plays an electric guitar. We're in for a good time. And that leather jacket?

Yes, dude. It's fucking boss is hell. Then the orange peel in Asheville, North Carolina. One of my favorite fucking towns. Just got to throw out. 16 we're doing junior pregnant. That will I will say very easily will be the grossest

show of the tour. So if that's what you're into, that's where you want to go. That's the one you don't want to be in a splash zone for Steve Splash Zone. That's right Steve is going to give birth on but that's exactly why I'm super stoked. My in-laws are coming to the show the night before. That's the one. Because they won't have to hear us talk about

a fucking Terminator's water breaking which I know is going to happen. We already did it practically. And then we're ending this tour, this leg of the tour. Who knows what's going to happen after this? I don't know. But on June 17th will be in Nashville, Tennessee. I'm super stoked to go to Nashville. Fuck, that's going to be awesome.

Do you talk about footloose on June 17th in Nashville? Yeah, it's here for the boy. It's a good song. What, guys? It's a fantastic song. It's a great soundtrack period. Absolutely. And it's just dancing that's banned. Remember everybody? So music is okay.

Totally fine, especially church music. But dancing. What about sugary drinks? We got a band. Liquority drinks. Boo Boo Blomberg. I'm a tiny bear that wants to tell you how to live your life. Kill it. You're pregnant.

Kill it. For more of that, look at our animation damnation on yogi's gang that came out last month in February. This month in February. Yeah. Or look at the crumbling state of American politics. Now, what is not crumbling is the amount of letters we have to get through. So let's start chipping away at that, Steve Sadek.

Okay. We are going to do bathroom follies. All right. Speaking of wheelhouses. Wait, did this person see me today in the restroom? No, but the person I work with sure did watch me print this out four times. Oh, and they saw a bathroom follies? She had like this huge status report.

And I'm like, excuse me, those are my bathroom follies over there. If you don't mind. You have TPS reports. I'm just having some T.P. reports. You should have done that Edward Norton thing in Fight Club where it's like, Why don't you just don't bring me every piece of trash you find? It's a collection of short stories. It's supposed to be great.

Dear W.H.M. Gang. That's us. First time writer, but I have been listening to your show for about two years now. And I would just like to share with you a bizarre story that happened to me around four years ago. Love it. So it's two years from the past. That's two years before she started listening. Right.

Two years ago. Got it. We got the timeline. Okay. So we're taking how many travel days? Dude, this is like a Christopher Nolan movie, man. 2016. Everybody get it together. There are three...

Shut up, you fucking genius. Four minus 20. Jesus Christ. It could have been... All right. 20 minus 4, by the way. Take back that genius comment. Please continue.

So I am going to the bathroom at this tiny little place where they're... Sorry, take that again. So I'm going to the bathroom at this tiny little place where... It had one stall and one urinal. So I go in, and to my surprise, there is a big, there's this big crap in the urinal. And there was this guy already in the stall, and you have no idea what my 10-year-old mind was thinking.

So this guy's 14? This person's 14, that means? Yeah, I guess so. You shouldn't be fucking email. Oh, yeah, hold on. Yeah, the timelines are getting all next. Wait a second. How old is this person?

This is awesome. This is not considered. Well, I don't know. This is a weird legal grounds now. Because now we have a minor telling us about how someone took a shit in the urinal. Witnessing shits. Well, how is that against the law? I have no idea, dude.

I mean, I wouldn't want to tell this to a cop, though. That you read something? Yes. So I go into my surprise. There's this big crap in the urinal, and there was this guy in the stall, and I had no idea what my 10-year-old mind was thinking. But I stayed in the bathroom while the guy was. tough sentence because I guess this person is 14 years old

and we are what in our 30s trying we also don't know how to read no that's also so let's give them I don't want to say screaming but oh well this guy was that there's a period there for no reason I don't want to say screaming but I could tell he was in pain so this guy is in the bathroom

right yeah really having a hard go of it wow this is the meat and greet by the way other side of the concrete mixer that is always. We haven't been on the air for 10 minutes and I'm already disgusted with everyone. Whenever that happens to me when I'm in the toilet. What's happening to you?

When I'm in the bathroom and you're a big bathroom and you hear somebody else going, he! Oh yeah, what's the struggle? Dude, I openly laugh. I can't. I'm openly laughing. It's hard, man. So when he finishes,

he full on runs out of the room. And I look at the stall to see the, an image that I can never unsee. There was this massive crap that was that was like thick and so long that it was hanging out of the bowl and it was thick.

This is actually good, by the way. It's good that he got this out. We're hanging out of the bowl. What happened there? Was this person sitting on the toilet properly? He had it in the air for a little bit. At the end there. Last detachment.

He was like fucking Tom Cruise at a Mission of Possible movie. Just fucking hanging out of his asshole for a second. And it was hanging, it was kind of holding itself up. And then my dad came into the bedroom, restroom and he was like, did you do this?

And I just kind of run out and get in the car. No other words were spoken between the two of us. And my dad, between myself and my dad, for the rest of the four hour drive. I've had a lot of long, awkward car rides with my

father, but it never was shit related. Did anyone ever get yelled at for a shit they, wrongfully accused for a shit? Oh, oh, like this situation? No. I always own up to my shits. I have a perfect record of owning up to my shits. So if I tell you, I didn't take that shit, I didn't take that

shit. Absolutely. I do remember a story of my dad going to the bathroom, leaving the bathroom, and then my mom going in afterwards and saying oh something's not right this is bad something what did we eat yesterday

is the sewage backing up it's coming out through the ball I will say that I once I lied about a shit and my story was so spotty that nobody really ever believed it but nobody pushed me too hard

did you claim that Hollywood legend James Stewart used the bathroom before you oh gosh a big old a big old steamer in your bathroom Oh, my goodness. Part of it was hanging off the ball somehow. My feces isn't here. It's at Mary's house and Ted's house. It's like molasses.

Wait, so was this at home? So the story is, uh, seventh grade. I knew someone would have one. My body is changing. Uh, and that's no, no excuse for anything. I was going to say, it doesn't really affect your shitting. Uh, but I shit my pants on the way home from school.

Uh-huh. And you said, no, I didn't. Yes, basically. Well, because I have school. heads. I went to Catholic school. Right. So I just think I can make it. You know, it's your classic. Anytime you shit your pants, anytime past the age of three, it's like, I think I can make it. You know what I mean? Fast and loose with the devil, dude. Exactly. I bet you were happy they changed from white linen pants

that day. It was slate gray pants. Oh, that could still look like you sat in pudding. They smell like shit from the factory, guys. It's brand new. It just smells like shit from the factory. but school pants and I'm just like oh I see my apartment building down in the distance and it happens and I'm like fuck these are my only pair of school pants

fuck blah blah blah I'm not going to wash these I'm not going to make my mother wash these I don't want anyone to know I'm humiliated yeah good thing I'm humiliated so I'm just telling you guys in this room here with these cameras and I go home and we I lived in an apartment building that had an incinerator which is the best destroyer of evidence that ever existed.

Dude, this new building now has one that I'm living in. Really? Loving it. I miss it. I miss it. Cinerating stuff. Dude, late night Taco Bell, no one's the wiser. That's dead body?

No one's the wiser. I'll tell you what the problem with this is, Steve. I'm going to tell you right now. Oh, shit. You have caused a monster who shits all over everybody in their dreams to happen after this. They won't, I can't come back unless they remember me. It's me, shitty Kruger. You gotta fall asleep on the toilet.

No, no, no. He's shitting on us in the real world. I killed Elvis. So, I make it home. I dispose of both my pants and my underwear. In the incinerator. In the incinerator. Do you have a towel on?

I put it in the plastic. I changed, a shower, the whole thing. Shorts or sweatspants? What are you wearing? I was in the seventh grade, so you definitely don't want to hear what I was wearing. So I throw them away, and then my mom's like, you know, I say, like, oh, Mom, you're never going to believe what happened to me today. She's like, oh, here it comes. Because if school pets are expensive. We didn't have a lot of money.

My pants got stolen. No, I was like, you know, I was walking near that chain link fence near school, and it caught on to the bottom of my pants. And it tore all the way up the leg. It's like, well, where are they? I could probably fix it. I was like, oh, no, you couldn't have fixed. He's, I threw him in the incinerator. There's just no way you could have ever fixed these.

It's like, why did you throw them in? I could have, I'm like, no, look. The way these things looked, how? Lady, I have seen shredded pants. Stephen, have you shot your pants? No, no, no, no. That would happen here. Tell me.

I turned into the Incredible Hulk is what happened. And you know how that guy's pants look after. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. That's what happened to the underwear, too. The underwear. Well, the underwear, that was easier to hide. They never really addressed that on that show, huh? No, they don't. So I'm sorry. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed the story.

BTW, I'm a younger listener, and I have helped you guys out by getting 30 of my friends to listen to a bunch of high and or drunk adult men talking about movies. Thanks for the crazy laughs, Carrie. Well, thank you, Carrie. And thank you for making your friends hip to the show. And, yeah, drunk and high gentlemen talking about movies, depends on the week. Also, get your parents' approval. We're on the level. Legal enterprise.

And certainly don't. Not for adults. Parental guidance. Eric always thinks the cops on the other side of the door. They are, dude. They are. Somebody, I think, DMed me or whatever the other day. It was like, your Cleveland show is 21 and older.

And I'm like, yeah. Oh, wait, you're younger than 21. on it. Dude, did you turn to sand immediately? I pretty much did. That person shouldn't email us either. Yes, exactly. Nobody under 21. 25 plus. It's like renting a car. Hey, and by the way, your beef is with the venue

friend. We have no control over that. I wish I would have all the children come to my shows and hang out with me afterwards. That's weird. Just come on over to my hotel and we'll hang out. We'll talk about it. He's like the Piper of Shrew of his parents. This is video. It's forever.

That's video. That's internet. Oh, no, sorry. No, that was a mistake. My sentence got caught on the fence, you see. Uh-huh. And it was a razor wire fence. No, no, no. That sentence was ruined. I had to incinerate it.

Eric Siska, let's keep it going here. All right. All right, all right, right, right. Are we skipping around? Yeah, this is one I wanted specific for Eric. I see. At the direction of Christopher Cabin. Cross of Iron.

Howdy, guys. I'm a newish fan that discovered your podcast with looking for stuff to listen to. Well, howdy. very cool when driving out to colorado for legal weed even nicer by the way that's the way to do it legally and by the way Denver folk who were bumming about the tour lineup you never say never and also we don't really have control over that stuff if someone do it for us it's just saying yes it's kind of out of our hands a little bit but we don't hate you we love you and we're going to get there

someday I mean listen to what I've been talking about for the last 10 years we'll get there I like mountains. You're looking at the world's number one Johnny Denver fan right here. I like Nikoliyokic. I do. I love fucking plane crashes, Chris. I just love Rocky Mountain highs, man. It's a good tune.

So I've been keeping up with new episodes and listening to old episodes ever since I think I have a movie related story. I think you might like. Sick. Lay it on us. In 1977, when I was 11, so look at this. Look at this.

The age range. This is what I love. about the We Hate Movies fandom. It's amazing. All ages, man. We're like the fucking circus, dude. Appropriate for anybody. Asshole stepfather at 1977 or 11. Is this written by Stephen King?

Yes. Okay. My asshole stepfather decided to toughen me up by taking me out to see Sam Peck and Boz Cross of Iron. Honestly, good move, stepfather. And it's good movie. I've never seen it. Toughen up. We got to toughen up.

Yep. An 11-year-old. Yeah, that's definitely. Oh, these millennials. to tough it up. You know, when I was 11, I saw Pulp Fiction of the theater. Before that, I saw Terminator 2. And everything's turned out

fine since then. Somehow I made this work. Apropos, Steve's comment, man, you know who's never paid $9 for a cup of coffee? Sam Peckinpaw because he's been dead for 30 years. This is very true. I won't go into the experience

in detail, but Sefuss to say that I was not mentally ready for Peck and pause Nazis versus commie, slow motion bloodbath. I was so in tears and shaking in terror throughout the movie. Fortunately, he is now my ex-stepfather and has been for decades.

I left his ass. I think when you're an ex-stepfather, that was an asshole, you just get downgraded to asshole. Well, the thing about why he's the ex-stepfather, then, what they're not mentioning here, and it's fine because it's their email and they can write whatever they want, but it was after that crazy winter they spent in that hotel in Colorado.

Yeah, yeah. And the boiler exploded. You go out there for legal weed and suddenly. So years later at some point in my 20s, the early 90s, I decided to give Cross of Iron another look because I've been getting into film and discovered that I

like a lot of pack and paws work. I found a copy at our local mom and pop video store, but when I started watching it, I discovered that the battle scenes were murky and garbled and any scene that had tanks in it were completely fuzzed out. It dawned on me

that someone must be renting and re-renting this tape and watching the battle scenes multiple times like it was a porno or something. Ish. Ew. America. I would like to think that

whoever wore that tape out was into making a little World War II diaramas or something and was using the film as research, but my wife thinks he was straight up jacking it's tape shit. I like your wife. Listen, he was straight-up jacking in that shit.

You know, honey, I think he was straight-up jacking a detention. Yeah, cut it with that diorama stuff. And this might appeal to Stephen Seda, kind of a tangentially-related type of thing. I remember when I was young on the Internet in the 90s. Sure. When I was young on the Internet. Reading like bulletin boards. Sure.

Like hosted by AOL or whatever other networks. Yeah. And there was one guy expounding in detail about his sexual predilections. Yeah, towards trains. Oh, yeah. And how he wants to have sex with any adamant objects and stuff. And I was a young kid going, go on.

Wait, what is all this about? What a weird thing to pop up on this Star Wars message board? Pretty much. I do it with the starships, too. I don't want to limit. It reminds me of my favorite specials of all time, married to the Eiffel Tower, which I've shown separately...

I married the Eiffel Tower? We've got to get titles right so people could look this up later. It's probably on YouTube. It's your classic BBC. The only place it exists. These people have a weird predilection. Let's watch them for 45 minutes. Oh, yeah.

But actually, there's an addendum, this extreme love show that I'm watching on We TV. They have... The life you lead. I love it. Yet another one of these... it's an objective sexual they call them because they're they're attracted to objects this one was so in love with the planes that she went to she got hooked up with some like plane depot and like this guy was just like welcome to plane depot this guy these two guys like had I mean it's obviously done by the TV network and they're like they set up where she could get on the plane and like look around and do stuff and one guy

esterbate feverishly. One guy was just like, well, that's what people are into. And the other guy could not stop laughing at it. He was like, he was like, yeah, you know, he was like trying to be like compassionate. He was like, hey man, whatever, whatever's whatever.

Have you seen the sequel to that? What's that? I divorced the Lusitania. By the way, so he's like the footage of the Hindenberg, like a snuff film for this? Oh, yeah, too hot. Yeah. Turn it off. Turn it off. I'm into tabbynion. booze now. It's the only way I can shoot is watch

the Hindon Bird explode. Man, what a sexual predicament I find myself in. So I believe someone could be attracted to tanks. Yeah, absolutely. So I can only masturbate on the bike that James Dean died in. By the way, it was a car?

Was it a car or a bike? I always get that confused. There was a car. Yeah, yeah. Bicycle accident? No, bike. Bob Dylan died. Bob Dylan's dad. No, Bob Dylan got to a crash on a motorcycle. Yes, Bob Dylan did have a Famous motorcycle accident, as did other people. I'm a ghost.

I've been a ghost for 40 years. I mean, he has. Yeah, no, that motherfucker, that motherfucker burned up good in a car. Yeah, that's right. I'm Bob Dylan. I'm here to play some songs for you tonight. Forever, yeah. Oh, shit, I'm attracted to my motorcycle.

Oh, shit, I'm crashing. May you stay forever, yeah. And I'm not there about Gary Bucy plays all the different versions. Now I'm a gospel preacher Now I'm going electric Now I'm just a weird English wannabe I'm into West for some reason Yeah I'm a cowboy

Fucking Donovan man Who's the fucking Donovan Who's a fucking Donovan? Who's a fucking folk festival? She's another witch and it's not to get off my dick Whatever the answer may be I am done with Cross of Iron Apparently the only asshole

Only assholes and creeps are drawn to it. Fine. Hey, man. I mean, fine. And whatever. James Coburn, right? Yeah, very good. Famously fucked a tank. Yeah.

In the film, Kraus of Iron. And Maximilian Schnell, is that correct? I want it. I don't know. But I remember Coburn for sure. I might be confusing that with the blue man. I'm confusing my peck and paws, though, which is, I thought this was the one with, no, because that's a Western. What's the movie with the Vincent Price?

it's like early Oh, that's like the Baron of Arizona Yes, which is great movie Very good movie This is This is Peck and Paul doing a film

on the German-Russian front of World War II Which is kind of a thing That's not explored much in film Yeah Which is why I actually like it And I also like The Keep

Michael Man's The Keep also Is that front It's not a theater That's explored Although there's some bad ones like enemies at the gates right but here's a good one come and see yeah from like 85 I just rewatched it

film form's doing a run of it right now it's fucking intense as hell it's a great movie though anywho says Chris in Kansas City thank you sir oh I thought it was over with I'm sorry it should be over with but apparently he goes on it is forever tainted by the double association with my

asshole stepfather and this mysterious Midwestern Panzer Jacker. That's fucking great. Are there any films that are entirely ruined for you by being associated with assholes and or creeps? The entire Star Wars saga

I know, that's just me answering. Thanks for your good work. Keep it up. Chris in Kansas City. Thank you, Chris. Yeah, I don't. I mean, Star Wars is getting there for me. It's not ruined yet. But I mean, like, just like, you can't shit or get off the pot or can't even just relax and enjoy a star or even relax and hate a star wars movie either that's why i'm glad there's

just like a break now of everything at least shit that i paid don't you do i know that the new cartoons started again on disney plus good good it to get it all pent up so it can burst forth the next time it happens uh but like shit that's ruined for you because of like your experience of watching it i guess is the idea well i mean like one day i mean it's different but it's like um i really really love the big labowski but it's kind of one of those things that i love little less just because of the culture around it. See, I'm able to ignore it, but I see what you're saying. And as a matter of fact, that time you and I saw it at film form is the only time I've

seen it publicly. Yes. I've even played it at the burns. Like, I've scheduled it and refused to go. Because I was so paranoid about people ruining it for me. That I've only watched it at home, except that one time. And it was like, fine. There was somebody quoting back a little bit.

A little bit. A little bit. We're in the movie theater. Thankfully, we got really stoned outside beforehand, so it was totally fine. I went to see The Exorcist in a theater when I was down. And the person behind me was doing the entire prayer he does at the end. Oh, that's creepy as fuck. And I was like, I don't want to be here anymore.

Can I go away now? Yikes, dude. That's all I remember pretty. There's always going to be assholes that ruin movies for you. It's true. And you should give movies a second chance because they are kind of like this stagnant object. And you change. It doesn't.

So your appreciation of it could change. change over the years, even if the assholes have tainted it. Go back to Cross of Iron eventually. Well, now that with the DVDs and the Blu-rays, you can't really wear out a scene anymore. You can secretly watch a scene multiple times

and no one will know. It's a life hack right there. There's just like a lot of skips on that part. Oh no, Mom, that VHS tape got caught on the chain link fence. Ripped right up to half. That's why it's all fuzzy during those scenes. That's why the tracking goes crazy.

All right. So are we going backwards now? I'm just, I got it. Speaking of Christopher Nolan. An innocent trip to the theater. Hey, Duters. Okay. February and Valentine's Day had me remembering

what was quite possibly the least romantic cinema-going experiences I've ever had. I had one of those Valentine's Day screenings one time. Went with the, on Valentine's Day, with two other friends. Hot.

Yeah, right? To see the first Daredevil movie, I guess the only Daredevil movie. And also had a massive ear infection. All on Valentine's Day. I remember that day because I was smoking a blunt by myself while you guys were doing that. Why didn't you come with us to see Daredevil? I think I had already seen it the weekend before. Then why didn't I stick behind and smoke the blunt?

What the hell was going on? You're busy being angry in pain and horny. Story of my life, dude. in 2006 a girl I had a crush on but was too much but was too much of an awkward nerd to ask out been there asked if I was interested in seeing this film with her

I couldn't believe my luck and said yes without a second thought or even really taking in what the film was who cared we were going on a date absolutely jump forward to the day and things go immediately south when my date quote unquote boy that got bitter

turned up With another friend as well. Oh, fuck. Guess what? Not a date now. Officially not a date. That's why you didn't bring you to Daredevil because then it wouldn't be a date. Exactly.

Well, no. We've been a friend for noon. It would have a friend for noon. Jump. Bummer. But oh well, at least we'll spend time together, right? That's the lie you keep telling yourself. You also know where you're going.

It's a theater where you're not supposed to talk. Yeah, that's true. Well, the afterwards. I'm spending time with her right now in the dark. You can just smell her hair when she's watching the movie. That's what Young Love is. It's like, well, I'm going to ruin it if I say something, so we'll see a movie and I just won't say anything.

And it's sort of like we had an experience, but not really. Oh, I'm scared. It's not a horror movie. Do you want popcorn? Yeah, we talked. We talked a little bit before the movie. It was cool. Then we actually

settled in to watch the film about which I still knew nothing. So imagine my surprise when the film opens almost immediately we are watching a man. Ah, yes, it was this movie I was hoping it was. Jacking off and ejaculating unsimulated into his own mouth.

You're accidentally watching short bus. Turns out I had agreed to come and watched the erotic comedy drama short bus Featuring a diverse array of explicit unsimulated sex Sure does I mean this is laying the ground for an orgy though If you're really what I'm saying

I mean it's not like she brought you to see Avengers We're like oh great that's a big fucking That's some sex going on That friend is now in play by the Exactly You got a two for That's the message I'd really be curious to know

Like how far after the release of short bus They're seeing it because like wildfire when that movie came out it circulated very quickly like yeah this dude comes in his own mouth and I was like I'm so there for this movie

the next hour and a half were excruciatingly uncomfortable as I said next to my date again in the quotes and a complete stranger watching people bone down my British awkwardness rising with every penis

and or vagina on screens you see you're not ready for sex because you say penis is a vagina like that. But also, is your British awkwardness your actual penis? Is that what's rising every time? Oh, no, my British awkwardness is at it again. Well, mother, I was wondering if you would polish my British awkwardness.

Oh, it appears my British awkwardness is caught in the door. His penis has a bowl cut like Hugh Grant in the 90s. Oh, oh, hi, it's all my British awkwardness. These jeans are too tight for my British awkwardness. No, I mustn't stand up my... British awkwardness is at attention. British people get that going around over there. I think that's a classic slang term you guys could adopt.

As a result, I don't remember much else about the afternoon, to be honest, but it all worked out well in the end. 13 years later, and we're both happily married to other people. Excellent use of Elypsies, friend. We remain good friends and have gone to the cinema together with much more successful results since then, such as a big screen release of Blade Runner. It's crazy in Blade Runner.

when Harrison Ford comes in his own mouth That's how you know he's a robot At the end of it by the way He doesn't taste like cum We only went to one other movie together It was eyes wide shut Well this is actually interesting That they remained friends

And still go to the movies together Movie buds It's like ejaculating in your mouth In the rain All right First of all Fellas We just got an email

From a fucking 14 year old Yeah, they're learning. They're learning along with us. Please do not learn. Change the channel. They're not teaching sex ed and their school, so we got to do it for them, man. Okay, you can't get pregnant by that, by the way. What are their life skills can we test?

Eric, it takes a village, okay? All right. Protected, protected. What's the most uncomfortable or awkward situation you've ever had at the movies? Thanks for all the laughs. Matt from Dorset, UK. Well, Matt, I saw Freddy got fingered on a date. Oh, that'll do it, dude And let's just say that elephant

Come, and I did not. Hey-oh. Remember that elephant? Remember that elephant, folks? That elephant, now, Rip-Torn grams an elephant's penis. And it starts a jack- I think that happens that movie.

I haven't seen this as a theater. He jerks off an elephant to completion. Rip-torn doesn't. Tom Green does. All right, well, maybe I just wish it was rip-torn. That movie was ripped-torn, but you weren't. It's kind of the same joke, What's happening?

I didn't understand it. Did I just disassociate? I think he's talking about like really getting in there. Okay. Oh. Ripped torn, man. Starting up a fist party again? Lord.

We don't say that anymore. I thought we talked about this, Chris. We don't say that anymore. Most uncomfortable or awkward I've ever felt screening a move. Right now. No, screening. Oh, no. I just feel like right now is the most awkward and uncomfortable.

Oh, I see. Shit, I don't know. I mean, uncomfortable, not due to the movie's content, but yeah, when the New York Film Festival played, oh, Lordy now, the P.T. Anderson movie where Joaquin's the detective.

Inherent Vice. Inherent Vice. We were stuck outside, like, waiting online to get into the screening, and it poured, and I was, like, soaking wet without an umbrella. And that whole movie, I was just, like, completely wet, just watching, like, this three-hour. fucking movie. That sucked. I was physically uncomfortable.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like whatever I would say I've already said before, probably. I got nothing new happen. I was the third wheel on a date to picture perfect. The Jay Moore, Jennifer Aniston vehicle that nobody has seen. Yeah, that sucks. You know what? That was embarrassing and uncomfortable for the

stars in the movie that only you saw this. Excuse me, sir. Why are you here? I was fucking uncomfortable when had to be the second banana to you. A mothman. To see the mothman prophecies. That was pretty uncomfortable.

Yeah, I got nothing. I got nothing. Nothing. I shared my shit story. All right, guys. Go don't you go have some new shit happening. Listen, his awkward movie story got caught on the chain link fence. All right, what do we do? We got another one here? Yeah, I think that's you.

Let's see. Oh, here we go. Oh, perfect. The Gallagher gig. Hey, guys. Get my beer here. I've listened to almost every episode and I've noticed that there have been a lot of references to comedic icon Gallagher.

Well, I have a Gallagher story. I work at a venue and about a year ago, a year ago, by the way. Yeah, dude, he's still touring. I will say, 2019. Yeah, well, related to 2019, when we played the Hollywood Improv, one of the guys that were...

Excellent venue. One of the people that were working in the club said that they had booked Gallagher, but he dropped out the last second and they booked Gallagher 2 in his place and nobody noticed. Really? It sounded like that and he said it was great. It was a great time.

Wow. I will say all of the stories that we tell on this show about celebrities and people in pop culture are all allegedly. Yeah, that was allegedly people having a good time in a gallery show. I also allegedly heard about Dennis Quaid and his oh yeah. I was going to

I was going to couch that by saying someone in e-shirts commercials. Doing some fucking nose candy. Some guy named Dennis Quaid. Someone in the Dennis Quaid band didn't cocaine. But I can say with full confidence that that time I sold a candy bar to Jean Chalet. That actually happened. It went right up his nose. And the time that Oliver Stone was really drunk and fell off a couch.

I saw that happen. I believed that Dennis Quaid story even more when I saw the. the intruder. I was like, he has to be. Oh, yeah. You've got to be just blowing rails. And that is, uh, we heard that from a venue staff, by the way. Allegedly. Well, allegedly. It's on to the, it's on them. Maybe Gallagher two sucked. Yeah, maybe. Uh, but, but uh, we the privilege of Gallagher doing a couple of shows for some reason. Everyone was super excited and all three shows sold out. How many of those tickets do you

think were ironic purchases? I'm just curious what part of the country this is. that's a great question I think these are 50 year olds remember the good old days doesn't sign it with the location all right well let's see if we can crack it somehow anyway the Gallagher weekend comes

and I get to meet him he talks and after five minutes I think wow Gallagher is a huge prick he was talking about how he loves Trump he doesn't care about children in cages etc. I try to stay open-minded and think he's an old racist fuck

at least he'll put on a persona and entertain our patrons. That's what I do. Nope. He was a prick to the fans. He screamed at a lady when she asked for an autograph on her shirt saying, you stupid bitch, can't you see? I already sign the shirts. He said this

in front of a crowd at his merch table. What an ass. The show comes to it. The show comes, and it's kind of disappointing. Gallagher actually can't raise his hammer anymore. Oh, good. Dude, somebody needs to make a Gallagher movie that's like

the wrestler. Where it's just like him on the road. I just can't do it anymore. But he does one last sledgehammer swing and it kills it. He puts little razor blades in the watermelon. Both figurative and literally he can't raise his hammer anymore.

I'm bringing it until he getting yelled at by Todd Barry. This stinks. What is that hammer called Melajor? What is the Oh, Mjolner. There it is. In Thor lore. Thorlore. Thor lore Thorlore

I think Gallagher is from Asgard He's from the Thorlore He's from Asgard Dude's a fucking totally different place Stop stealing my bitch Yeah This is Asgard and it's fucking like

Catchers bet you put over your butthole Or I guess a catcher's Face mask Yeah You figure it out Either way it works Everybody thinks Oh that's Gallagher

He just does the watermelon He ends with the watermel And the rest is really bad Carrot Top Fass Prop cop. Yes. Absolutely. Asgard is definitely...

Asgard, but it's like a giant cod piece or like a jock strap, right? Like a butt jock. I saw some... Hey, you're gonna use this Asgard, San Quentin Gallagher! There was some Gallagher special where he was on like a TV show or something.

He was fucking like doing some bit and he was like, oh look, these are how the Mexicans are getting over the barter. And he was, he had like a catapult. Jesus. Dude, it was. It was terrible. Gallagher is an old racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, piece of fucking donkey shit. How about venue stop booking him?

You can't, don't you raise any more hammers. My hammers are just fine. Ladies gentlemen, poet laureate Gallagher. Oh, man. I heard Gallagher was very loyal to me. Gallagher was always loyal. Welcome to Saturday Night Live. Stick around.

We got a great show. Gallagher's here. And yes, he is. singing with musical guest Gallagher! Oh, fuck this guy.

All right, let's see. Boop-Doo-B-D-D-D can't raise his hammer anymore. He has some hard issues and maybe does it once during a set but usually asks for help from audience members. At the end of each set, he goes on a diatribe about how great Trump is, which alienates our crowd.

He also trashed the venue and put SpaghettiOs on our ceiling. He also vomited into our trash can Because he was pretty high at one point I guess my question is who is the worst celebrity you've ever met I can't oh it's what's this gentleman Love the show

Josh Thank you Josh What a fucking tale What a beautiful picture of it What a great What a great alleged tale And everything we have said today has been a legend allegedly Gallagher will be appointed to my cabinet

he's loyal wait what you mean he doesn't do do watermelon anymore get him out of here I'm fucking done with him you know watermelon guy you were about to be my new secretary of agriculture he's Gallagher's a watermelon guy

he's a loser poet laureate Dennis Leary is here oh thank you everybody I know we screwed up the first one. Speaking of asshole. What was that song? Oli Oli Ossol song. So assholes, celebrity assholes.

Edward Norton was kind of a dickhead. I saw him be like mean to like kids that just wanted to fight club autograph. Allegedly. Allegedly. Well, according to Andrew's own eyes, but. Yeah, no, I saw him be a dick to kids. Did you kick any of them? No, he was just very like, I'm hearing and talking about the painted veil.

And I was like, nobody likes this movie. dude it fucking sucks yeah I don't know but it's about boring stuff you love that celebrities like someone on the street maybe that you had to run in with

I don't know it's just tough I mean you know it's I feel like the Gallagher story was enough pretty nuclear yeah I'm gonna top that yeah I don't know it was pretty fucking great to be honest

it's no surprise that guy's a piece of shit though Well, let's just move right along. We got some more here, Steve Sadek. Or the second of last one. We got two. Here's a Steve Sadek. Go ahead. Harrison fucking Ford.

Asshole? We're going to find out. Oh, it's a subject line. No, I bet he's fucking great. I know. My favorite thing about Harrison Ford was how he came out and he's like, he didn't, he didn't know what kind of a ghost he was in Star Wars, and he didn't fucking care. Absolutely.

I think that's the exact quote, which I love. I don't fucking care. It's amazing. I just, I write. Before we recorded this, I saw Call the Wild, and he's shirtless in that thing, and he's still fucking beautiful. That's awesome. It's nuts. But they're putting, like, people in fucking CGI dog shit.

Like, is that-C-I? I mean, I didn't see the movie, man. I texted my wife right afterwards that Harrison Ford was shirtless and it looked fucking gray. And she was like, was that C-G-I just like the dog? And you know what? Just saying. I don't think so. I think he's getting into shape for the Indian-A Jones.

I loved working with J.J. Abrams on. American graffiti A Rise of the Drag Race. I thought it was fantastic. He was such a good guy. I don't know why he told me to take off the hat. I thought the hat was the whole thing. You know, honestly, RuPaul deserves an Oscar nomination

for that supporting role. Dear W.HM, I've been sitting on this story for a few years. What took it so long? About the one and only Harrison Ford and figured with the new Star Wars movie out, I would finally share it. Sweet.

I had picked up my girlfriend at the Burbush, Bank Air, oh, girlfriend, very nice. At the Verbank Airport. Ooh, North Bank Airport, very nice. Better than L.A.X. Am I right, fellas? Oh, yeah. We live in Hollywood.

Dude, this is getting legit now. We live in Hollywood, and she often has to fly from New York for business. There used to be... Someone makes more money than me. There used to be a big toys at us a few miles from the airport, and on this particular day,

we had a lunch date No, it's at Toys R Us by the airport. I don't know why that was funny in my head. Lunch date, man, at Toys R Us. They have a nice cafe in there. Do they? They had a lunch date and then

went to walk around the store. We ate Legos. I know you guys are health nuts in California. Jeffrey's Cafe, dude, it's all just fucking fake giraffe meat. Holly weird, am I right, folks? after us they went to Toys R Us

just to hang out after lunch Sure After before by the way Amazon choked Toys R Us to death You know what that's all right They're dead right They're dead and I'm fine with that Except I'm bummed that all those workers

Got fucked out of their pensions I just like to be able to like You know I got a bunch of nephews I used to just go to Toys R Us And just walk the aisles I'll get this for that one That's nice to see shit Instead of fucking searching random shit

No no I'm Jeff Bays and I strangle Jeffrey the giraffe in front of children. I did it. I killed him. I took his head off. See, if he did that, at least he would earn something. At least he would break a fucking sweat. After a bit, we had to the Lego aisle and found

none other than Harrison Ford standing in there all alone. Guess where you won't fucking find Harrison Ford on Amazon.com. You're not going to be on your computer. Oh, wow. Harrison Ford's right next to Alexa. Eat my ass. Is that the new girl, Alexa? See you around here?

Alexa, call by weed guy. Blade Runner, 269. I've found another Harrison Ford standing there all alone. He was wearing glasses and staring intently at a huge Lego sitting there. Earing or no earring? Right back. I don't know, but if he's, is it glasses, do you think, or sunglasses? Ooh, I think it's glasses.

Either way, he's stone. Yeah. He's an older man He's an oldman I work in the industry as a writer Nice Why don't you give us a leg up To have the luxury

Of no one outside of it Knowing who the hell I am Unless I'm doing a convention And stand next to the sign That explains who I am And what do I do? Conventions Sounds like you can help us

I know other people I don't know man You spent the start of this email Making fun of this dude So I'm trying to win it back I know other people don't have it that good and usually

leave famous people alone outside of work. After a couple of minutes we had walked through most of the island, I found myself standing just a few feet away from him while he looked at Legos. He glanced up, I nodded politely, and couldn't help it. I gestured toward the set of Star Wars in Indiana Jones Legos and and said, hey, you're in a couple of those.

That's pretty good, actually. I don't know. It's not bad. I have to say, it's, I thought it was going to be like a, I pointed towards those and said, I loved those movies. You're in a couple of these, that's fucking baller.

You know, it'd be cool if there had some fucking Sabrina Legos. What was that movie he was in? The remake of the Remake of Sabrina. Hey, why don't they have any Sabrina sets? Hey, do they have any Greg Kinnear action figures around? Hey Harrison, isn't it crazy? I mean, you got Indiana Jones

you got Star Wars. Where the fuck's the witness Lego set? Yeah, thank you. A whole barn raising? Awesome. So the Sabrina play set comes with two different hair pieces for a Julia Armand. One when she's nerdy, you see. And another one, she turns into sexy

Sabrina. I'm actually a rare one in the conversation set. Oh, right. Yes. I don't know. It turns out. Great movie and also Witness is also a great movie. So it's pretty good It's fine The original

I mean what the fuck do you need that? So he said Hey you're in a couple of these He then turned very slowly Looked down at me And then grumbled Yeah if that meant anything I wouldn't have to pay

300 bucks for a box A fucking plastic That means the following Harrison Ford tried to get some hookup On whatever Lego said he needed Was denied And was angry that he had to go to his store to get.

Alexa, King of Lego. Call, please. I got to say call. Yeah, call, please. He then tucked the box of Legos under his arm and turned around and walked out of my life forever. So a $300 set of Legos,

what is he buying? The Millennium Falcon? Some of those things get expensive as balls, dude. It asked me a bigger one. It was everything I could have wanted. I have spoken, Jason, from Los Angeles. Love the way. Jason ends this email.

Thank you, Jason, and consider helping us. I don't know how. Listen, this guy's got all the... This guy's hanging out with Harrison Ford. This guy's jealous at this point. This guy's going on lunch dates, hanging out at toy stores with Harrison Ford. I would have had a better line.

That's not such a good line. I would have had a good line. How about Sabrina? It's a great like we're all in this together kind of is saying. I think you could have written something better, Jason. Because that would have been like, you're in some of these.

Do you want to go hang out for about an hour and a half? Please. Do you see the car there from Random Hearts? Oh, it's the bathtub playset from what lies beneath. All right, we got one more here. Who wants it? An alleged story about Roger Cumble. Of course, the writer-director of content.

I wanted to say Richard Kimball right after that Harrison Ford. A fugitive Lego playset Would rule the fucking school It would be so expensive though Dude because you have to have the huge Fucking damn thing Yeah Because that's the play set

But think about all the four 36 year olds that would buy it I don't know if you did the big Convention Center at the end With the big Whatever the fuck Biometech is going on in the fact The medical convention

Yeah dude The medical convention Playset And there's a button on the back of Kimball and you press He says So you could have provasic

you switch the samples and just think about the one-armed you know guy you can take his fake arm off no you can make any Lego man a one-armed man well how do you get the desperation that's in that actor that plays the drug addict son that's selling pornography or whatever

I think it's drugs you just draw a little like purple lines got it got it got to get you taking him man you're taking him my point where are you taking him The poor Polish woman. He had no idea it was going on in the basement. But Richard Kimball was relieved that day.

Listen to the Cruel Intentions episode inspired me to write in with a story of my time working with Roger Cumble, the director of Cruel Intentions. Now we have ourselves a fucking email. He couldn't hold the hammer up anymore. He was directing a TV show and I was staffed on, why don't you help us? Industry people.

and was most friendly and unassuming director I've ever worked with. However, he was also very friendly with my pregnant co-worker. That's his kick. And you've got to respect it. Might also be his kink. And always... Yeah, you're right. Did he kick it?

No. No. And would always kick her stump. No. Talk to her about giving birth. On his last day, he pulled out his cell phone and showed everyone with an eye and earshot a video of one of his kids being born. No, no, no, thank you.

You're fucking, not only, you have that on the ready? Yeah, listen. That means that's fucking bathroom shit. Ladies and gentlemen. Bathroom shit. Ladies and gentlemen, we need to get legislation passed to get the cameras out of the delivery room. Nobody needs to know how you were born.

It's fine, it's my own business. It's just the dumbest thing. The miracle of birth video exists all we need. If you survive that, you shouldn't have to go through anything else. That's like a, it's not a snuff, it's like the start of one. Well, it's a reverse stuff film, actually. Thank you, yes. That's exactly.

Oh, what you're looking for is the reverse snuff film section. Oh, you want the, uh, funts film. Whatever snuff is backwards. Yeah, that is fun. Fons. Funs movie. Oh, good. What sounds even worse?

All right. The fund? Yes, it does. I saw enough to know that he was giving a very detailed show. Have you, have any of you had any? By the way, allegedly, this guy says he works in the industry. He's probably a liar just like the last guy. This person just was like, oh,

Roger Cumble, I got a story for him that I invented. See, this is I love Eric's strategy. Insult the person, then bitterly ask for a Lego. And then call them a liar. First of all. it's classic nagging sure

the VH1 show the pickup artist with mystery would tell you as such look for Eric's new book do they screen I hope they screen Star Wars and hell

from what I've seen online they definitely do have any of you had any of your actions at work that made your skin crawl keep up the good work proud Patreon supporter

unsigned well thank you unsigned for the email okay so interactions at work that made your skin quick every day how long you got

yeah I'm one of my the first CEO at a company that ever worked at was the smaller book publishing company

and this guy and what we did not publish poetry I just want to be very clear about that did not publish poetry did not publish poetry yet

quarterly he would have a a company-wide meeting, he'd get 300 people into a conference room, and he would read poetry to them at the beginning. Was this optional? No, no, it was mandatory, dude. Oh, you've got to quit.

You got to quit immediately. Wait a second, the poetry that he wrote, or just like famous poetry? Famous poetry, but he would do it with like meaning and like Panash? Yeah. I don't need that. I need my workplace to be panache free. I'm like, you know what? You want to to start off with a quote from some great

man before you tell us how our company's that's fine. But I need to fucking hear all about the wheelbarrow for fucking 20 minutes. Fair enough. I've got tons of these, but one that I really disliked was I had a Canadian boss

at a online film distributor, which is now part of gunpowder and sky. Oh. And she demanded everyone watch one of the royal weddings. What? Stop what you're doing. Get in the conference room.

This is mandatory. So this must have been William and Kate. Yeah, I guess so. Didn't care for that. No. I was forced to, like, the manager would come up. It was just a small company. And like, whenever there was a birthday party, you were forced to go to the birthday.

Oh, yeah. I worked at corporate offices. I've had so much fucking cake. This is a cake story. So I get there and I'm like, I'm okay. I don't need cake. And then she's like, come on, you should have some cake. And I'm like, I'm really okay.

She circles around, comes back, and she's like, you don't have any. You can't not have cake You know what they're putting in there either People that bring cake from home to Lord Almighty This was a like a price chopper Seatown grade cake There's no great cake

Grocery stores I would prefer that Than whatever homemade whatever They're feeding me Yeah I need to see the entomins being torn open You know what I mean So finally I take a slice of this fucking cake

Sure poisoned immediately And I'm just looking down And I'm just like kind of like Hitting it with my fork not really doing anything with it. And then I just look up and she's staring directly at me. Fuck, you better eat this cake, O'ray. Oh, shit.

Swallow. And I just walk away. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess my skin's kind of crawling for various reasons every ding-dong day, man. I don't know. Yeah, there's a lot of like baking stuff, but I will admit to eating a lot of that. That's, you know, fine.

Oh, sure. I guess, you know. Not a plan. The problem is you have only. worked at one company and you don't want to burn any bridges right now. I can, that's the move. I have stuff from my current company that would turn your hair white. Well, I'm trying to think

a shit, you know, from like back in the day and whatnot. I mean, like, the shit we saw at the multiplex would turn your hair fucking white. You know, I mean, if you saw how these places operated men, talk about not white and no other sauce you just made. I don't order popcorn in the movie theater and it was all because of that.

People were jizzing in it, huh? Wasn't that? Peeing? Pooh. Let's just say, poop, poop, popcorn. You want to see, you want to see your popcorn coming right out of the podcast. Because you're just talking about it's old. Old as fuck.

I don't care about old popcorn. That shit, that shit, well, you should. What are you doing to it, though? You will be. But because I feel like popcorn like cockroaches could survive a nuclear type of life. Yeah, I mean, popcorn. But it's been sitting in a garbage bag overnight on the floor. But what am I?

I'm a garbage bag that's going to be on the floor. floor later I guess so it's better than the fucking cake I don't go in for a lot of cake I'm not a cake part it's got to be like a really good fucking cake how about some birthday pie

suddenly I'm at the party oh yeah you can keep pie dude are you fucking kidding me I'm a cake person I'm a cake man dude I cut his mic if I didn't love Steve so much that would make me hate Steve I hate pie love cake you hate pie Hate pie.

Every kind. I just don't eat pie. I do not eat pie. Was there a thing that happened? Have you ever... Did the pie touch you? Hold on a second. Did you have pie like at five and you never had it since?

Yes. Oh. So you might love it now. No, no. I've tried pies. I just don't like the whole thing of it. It's just like cross of iron. Exactly.

You need cross of iron and some apple pie. Did you fuck a pie? No, I did not fuck a pie. Oh, I totally saw American pie and then burned his dick. Is that what it is? No, I had a pie and it went up against a chain link. you see. And you told your mother

and she was very, and she was understanding. That is the We Hate Movies mailbag for the month of February or depending upon how fast I can edit this early March. Thank you so much for submitting your letters, of course. And like we always say, right into that mailbag gang, we all hate movies at gmail.com. The new

schedule for the mailbags is as followed. If we don't have some killer fucking letters, we're just going to wait until we can accumulate to make a decent show for y'all. Exactly. This is a nice one. This was a nice catch-up. This was a bunch of robust letters. And I think we maybe got some more that we didn't include here.

So, you know, just remember, we'll hit movies at gmail.com. We had some people here saying that they were like, I was sitting on the story for a while. Don't sit, baby. Get those fingers tip-tap, type. And if you think yours was so great, which it might be, send it again. Because sometimes

we miss stuff, honestly. Because some people in this room who have access to that Gmail account, are not great about archiving. So eventually, we lose emails. And if you send it like three or four times and we're still not doing it, take a hint.

Have some new shit happened to you. But honestly, send stuff again because sometimes stuff does slip through the cracks. Absolutely. So with that said, thank you for submitting all your letters. We had a lot of fun here this evening. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Siddak.

Eric Siskin. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.