We Hate Movies - S10: WHM On-Screen: Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker

Episode Date: January 6, 2020

CAUTION: SPOILERS FOR "THE RISE OF SKYWALKER" AHEAD! On this edition of WHM On-Screen, the gang is chatting about the incredibly polarizing final installment of the "Skywalker Saga" - STAR WARS: EPISODE IX - THE RISE OF SKYWALKER! How bungled did this actually get? What's with all the slap-dash editing? Could they have chilled with those death fake-outs? And how did the Emperor get stuck in one of those claw machines you find in the lobby of a Bennigans? Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker stars Daisy Ridley, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Adam Driver, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Anthony Daniels, Naomi Ackie, Domhnall Gleeson, Richard E. Grant, Lupita Nyong'o, Keri Russell, Joonas Suotamo, Kelly Marie Tran, and Ian McDiarmid for some reason; directed by J.J. Abrams. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to W.H.M. On screen, everybody. I'm Andrew Jopin alongside Eric Siska, Christopher Cabin, Stephen Sadek. Sit up here. God, get some good posture. That's right. God damn it. You better sit up straight. You should have like a fucking mechanical thing, like Emperor Palpatine shoved up your butt hole in order for you to fucking... It's my butt plug. Oh, I'm afraid my butt blood will be fully operational when you're friends of life.

Yes, Mike. Some of them vibrate. The vibrating egg. This is an on-screen conversation about, of course, Star Wars Episode 9, The Rise of Skywalker. Really quick, vibrating egg, Darth Vader's head. Carry on. Oh, no, I got another vibrating egg. You're ready for more vibrating eggs jokes, guys?

The Easter bunny. around the corner. We've received the plans for Emperor Palpatine's vibrating eggs. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. You know, Richard Grant, you can control it by iPhone.

Many Boffins died from anal orgasms. That is a lie and a misnomer. Oh, shit, man. I don't know where to begin. This movie's kind of It's, yeah, Star Wars Rise of Skywalker, unless we've said it already.

I did. It's all right. Just to remind people we're talking about here, especially because we're just talking about vibrating eggs and anal orgasms. People, that's what people want. The movie didn't give you what you want. It's been two weeks. I'm sorry, I mean, thankful that I brought it up. I saw this movie twice. Same. And the second time I was, I was a lot more forgiving. I was in a better headspace. I think I had a third. I had a third. session beforehand. Nice. Did you talk about the movie?

No, I didn't. Although I was tempted it. Oh, this week he's talking about fucking Star Wars again. I was just like, am I going to get kicked out of therapy for this? I was like, no, I'm not. No, but I went to the Alamo was my wife and a friend of ours. And I was drinking during it. And I knew all the stuff that was going to happen.

All the things, the pain points I was aware of. And I enjoyed myself a lot more than I thought I would the second time around. Even though this movie, this movie, DeAndre's Point is kind of a done. I agree with that. I feel like the second time I had more fun with it. I realized I don't necessarily need to have a strong opinion. Like, yeah. It's just whatever.

It's totally fine to shrug your shoulders at a Star Wars movie, I think, is the lesson I learned here. Because I, to piggyback off of you, Steve, Chelsea and I went to Alamo, Brooklyn. I got a blue milk milkshake that had a bunch of vodka and blue curicatia. and then I just drank like three more beers after that and it was good it wasn't a Star Wars movie in where I was crying at any point

really I don't think I think maybe I'd like one little tear up moment I'm usually kind of a mess with these things also we should say because we're I guess about to get into the actual story stuff Spoiler alert if you have not seen Rise of Skywalker we're going to talk about

any and all things that come to our head this is a completely improvised conversation if you're finding this on YouTube we're just going to riff. So if you haven't seen it, you know. I'll say, I saw it twice. I saw it once. I was furious.

I fucking hated it. After the first time you're saying? I fucking hated it. And I guess the quote unquote good thing about this is the second time in, I was like, I remember nothing but what I ate. What you ate or what you hate? What I hate about it. Because I can picture you eating in a movie.

Well, I do. Occasionally, as we all do. Sure. We all just joking. You know, the Skywalker Sliders. I know. And so I go back to it. And, like, again, like, I think my opinion is that up until Kajimi,

Kajimi, once Kajimi ends is when I start having huge problems. Cajmi's where they run into Lando. Yes. No, no, no. That's the, that's a Carrie Russell's home planet. Oh, yes. Where it's like, it's dude. It's a dude.

Yeah. Bobu Frick. Frike. Babu Frick. By the way. Bobu Freak. Bobu Freak. Cajmi, dude.

You know what that was. Hell yeah. Closest thing we're going to see Star Wars at Christmas time. Yes. Because it's like gently snowing. It looked like Dickensian London Town for a lot of it.

I like that. I also, Kijmi, I thought you're going to say, is the closest room I'm going to see to Kathy Nijimi in a Star Wars movie. I thought you were going to go with the Kathy Noghijmi joke.

Nice. There we go. I saw this. I will say, personal story. First time, where did you see it? Just the Regal Union Square.

Yeah, nice. It's shitty theater. Nice. They're revamping it. They're going to try their best. They're going to try their best. But so I went and Really nice gentleman

The movie ends I'm really disappointed My brother is in from out of town We made a plan to go see it It's right before the holidays And I'm getting up And I've been holding a piss for like Yeah 48 minutes And this really nice dude is like

Hey man are you Stephen Sadek And it was really nice and it wasn't so awestruck Are you Steven Sadek? I was like Yeah I am man And I'm just doing this and he's like I really love this show and he shook his hand I got to go out of this I'm like, I just say,

eh, hang out, hey. May I come with you? No, no, he was a very nice guy, but I felt bad. And then I met a fan again. Because he was like, what did you think? I was like, it was all right? He was like, dude, dude. You know what you should have done, dude? And this would prevent anyone from talking to you in the street. Yes, you are right. Just fucking, yeah, I'm just even saying that.

You just start pissing yourself in the lobby. That's awesome. You miss yourself. Dude, now, we're on YouTube as well, folks. Dude, they're taking down, though. I'm wearing black jeans. It wouldn't really scan. I should have wore my light jeans.

I could tell, though. You can smell it. I could smell it. That is the worst time. Oh, my God, he's doing it. At the end. That's a black or black on your jeans. I am not pissing my pants.

Well, the camera can't show the floor, but there is a pool happening. That is sort of the worst time, and it's not his fault. To talk to somebody is after a blockbuster, because I always have to piss. Absolutely. The end of any blockbuster, I am belie. lining it for a bathroom. I got screwed over at the Alamo Brooklyn because, and I know they're expanding, but the fucking bathroom situation

in that theater is abhorrent. I got out, walked to the bathroom, you just open it, and there's just a dude there that's like, sorry, full, you know, and I was like, Homer Simpson, and the Homer Simpson versus New York, I went all the way up to the one tower, and I was like, nah, and I had to go all the way back down, run fucking downstairs. Yeah, the

downstairs is the trick. That's a blessing bathroom, though, man, because not a lot of folk use it and it's usually pretty open. Here, sir. Here's a bucket in the closet's there. Hand me your bucket. When you come back, we recycled on it. I want to say another thing. You have to use it for popcorn the next day.

Theater etiquette, man. We're walking into the theater, okay? And there are people right outside, like, in the lobby, just talking about the movie. Yeah, you can. And I started yelling. Because, like, Chelsea and I were both like, and I was like, why don't you take it outside?

Like, just fucking screaming in this lobby. How can you do that? What do they say? it was terrible it's fucking awful it was no no no I didn't even stick around but it was like and Princess Leia and I was like no yeah

I've gotten into the habit for these movies at least put my headphones on the way in and I'm even with a person and I'm like I'm sorry friend I'm crazy through the trailers you gotta go through the I leave them in yeah so the dead speak how cool would have been to actually

have heard that message and see our intrepid heroes and villains experience that instead of having it in the scroll? It's tough. And I mean, I actually kind of like that Kylo Ren's silent murdering all those weird fucking people in Raiden Hat situation. I don't know what's going on on that planet. It looks cool. But I hate that. It's in slow motion. Yeah, I don't mind that. Like, I kind of think it slows down.

Slow motion is no business in Star Wars. It's so early too. Like it's the second shot of the movie. Or was that him trying to find the Sith Wayfinder? He was him trying to find the Wayfinder. He's killing a bunch of guardians of whatever. Sith P.S. Dude, I mean, like, and that's the thing. We're saying, I mean, the dead speak, my, my asshole clenched.

I was like, oh, I, because, you know, Palpatine's back. It was, it wasn't a surprise. Yeah. But I was like, the Dead Speak. And it's like, the Palpatine that might, may be back, ladies and gentlemen. But it's funny, though, because we were just talking about this Return of the Jedi on the Return of the Jedi episode that we dropped in December. And in that scroll,

it's like, by the way, everybody, there's a second death star right in that fucking scroll. Sure. It's kind of the same thing. It's a big story reveal that's just presented to you and text and you do it. But it's different because that's just a fucking a base. Like it's not a humongous

character that you didn't see like come back. He's just like, yeah, he's back. I don't know, man. The reveal of a second death star is kind of a huge deal after not having one in the Empire Strikes Back. Here's the thing. And I think my two times watching this movie in both times, the emperor

sucks. He totally sucks. Yeah. It sucks. He sucks. And not, not McDormid specifically, but like the way they dress him up, all of his dialogue, all of his movements. Give me some explanation. I understand Snoke was a clone, called it. Or whatever. But like, give me something. Make him a clone or like he blew up and was fine. Question mark. His fingers hurt. Now that's his only thing. I have bad arthritis from being blown up. One other thing. I like the planet. I hate his lair. I think it's really messy and garbage. It's dark. You can't see it.

You know what's going on. No, both times. There's no detail. And especially the second time, because the second time you're aware, like, you're not like, what is happening? Right.

But the second time, like, wait, what's happening? Because, again, it's really dark. I don't know, he's got these, like, thousands of people that are around him and it's like, Coliseum.

I don't know. So I guess they're, yeah, I guess they were inhabiting. This is just my conjecture. I don't know. I didn't read any of the supplemental material that I guess... And you may never.

They're doing a rise of Kyle O'Renn comic series. Okay, because that's the shit I was more interested in anyway than the emperor in a fucking claw machine. Oh, wait, you almost got me. Sorry, got to the teddy bear that time.

Getting a hold of this Chester Cheetah plus, hold on. So I guess they're just like Sith worshippers that lived on this planet and then Are they Sith? I guess it's a Sith planet. They're like Renfields.

They're not like real Sith. They can't be Sith because they would have powers of their own, et cetera, et cetera. Yes, sure, in a year we'll do a review and see where you come up. Unless they're stealing children like the First Order did, but I need to understand what's happening. There's just not enough there. So did they build this Sith fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers? the fucking supplemental materials

for the last movie set up the aftermath trilogy of novels mentioned a contingency plan by the emperor in which they do send starships into the unknown regions. If I am in the event I am thrown off a cliff. It's kind of cool though like in the

in the books and stuff it's just like oh he's just going to break the chessboard and start a new game out there and it's like okay cool. Do you maybe mention any of of that shit, maybe mention Thron. If you're watching this tape, it means you're in a horror trilogy.

By the way, this is my emperor impression because that's what he's doing this entire movie. It's like a little hamster. Yeah, with the hands, yeah. I mean, I don't... Put me in my wheel. I just don't...

Because it's just Dracula. It's just Dracula. It's not great. I mean, like, he's got this black shit on his mouth. He looks terrible. He looks terrible. And I mean...

Well, I guess it's a point, but like... I think... It's not interesting to look at it. That's the thing. It's not... It should be disgusting. Yes. If it's going to do that,

it should be disgusting. Danny DeVito as the penguin. Yes, he should have like fucking oil coming in. Ian McDarmid, I think, is great. And I actually think he's the best part of the trilogy movies, actually. Like, he's having a ball all.

No, the prequel. He's having a ball in those three movies, especially the third one. And he's worth watching. If there's a reason to watch that trilogy, which I don't think there is, no, it's him. Him and McGregor, I would say.

And I mean, like, yes. And in this movie, you're going to bring him back. it's he's got to be bad and being not just bring him back in a force ghost capacity or or a whatever capacity he's the big bad and he sucks yep well that's really disappointing what johnson broke in that second one which was a huge radical move is fucking the mythology of this all so like you have if if the whole point of this it's a stupid thing to fucking do but if really is what abrams wanted to do was to make the mythology build it back up this guy is no presence he's a little machine. Like, you have

to center him as a great being of humongous power, not just to have the lightning storm at the end. Snoke held court in both of those movies. We don't really see that in this movie. No, and I mean, also, like, to your point, actually, Snoke looks great as a CGI creation. I think make a CGI emperor. It would have been

blasphemy in quotation marks. But like, then you could light him properly and like it would look like something. Also, though, if you... If you're a tier rate part of his body, make him look gross. If you're saying, Oh, man, what if he's just a skeleton? And a robe?

I'm into it. And it's just like, Harry has a skeleton. The shittier the better. Yes. That would be in line with the whole Star Wars tradition of like this is based off of fucking shit. George Lucas saw growing up. Yeah. I'd be into it.

I mean, I think the whole, oh man, I had a thing of beef, something, emperor. Beef cheese. It was interrupted and lost it. On a roll. Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't remember now. Yeah. Oh, with, uh, uh, right there.

Oh, he circled. This, four-sucking Snoke. So you see that like dead Snoke in a fucking tank or whatever, right? And so it's like, if the idea is he's a quote, why can he have like dupes like Saddam Hussein and Snoke is still the fucking bad guy? The fact that Abrams had to look at what

Ryan Johnson created and then was like, nope, it's just a clone and bring back another thing. He's a creatively bankrupt fucking B-Team Steven Spielberg from the 80s and he's never been anything else but. He's got these snoke. in here like gherkins They're packed Hiled them in there

Dude they're in like a little like garlic Do you want a bread and butter Snoke or? It's a dill snoke Or spicy? I will say though It's quite telling the last couple Now I'm kind of glad we did this two weeks out

Because The fucking paper trail on this movie It is like the fucking Panama papers It's like you did it No you did it It's like Kathleen Kennedy That bitch Candlea, she was a bitch. Because she wanted

her Palpatine back. And Chris Taylor's like, no, no, no, it's Abrams. And Abrams was like, no, no, it's Terrio. And like, nobody knows who did what. Yeah. Because it just, it's a fucking mess. That's a thing. And I saw a mess on screen. The movie is a mess. If the movie was clear, like, I don't even think Palpatine is the worst idea. Even

the Ray thing, which we'll get into, is bad, but I don't think it's the worst thing that's ever happened in the universe. Yeah. It's just performed poorly. It's executed. Not performed. She's good. I will say she's good. It's executed shittily. And also, another thing bring up because it does tie in to all of this. This movie is really

poorly edited. Yes. Oh, God. It is so slapped together. You can fucking smell the glue coming out of this. Haste with an idiot's fucking dude. If you want to really resurrect Palpatine, I think it could be done well, but you need to devote time to it. And we just learned this past day or two that 30

minutes was cut out with the whole JJ Abrams kind of release the JJ cut. Okay, everybody. I know they're not going to, but I almost want them to because I feel like this movie needed to be longer for the all the amount a fucking shit this shit you're absolutely right it's only like two hours

and 25 minutes and like I'm sorry we were earlier this year's slamming fucking infinity war and whatever Infinity war rather and end game but like make two movies honestly what is this fucking what is this beholden to a trilogy

also you just got cucked by Martin Scorsese who made a three and a half hour masterpiece why not make your stupid movie three and a half hours I'm fucking your wife You see me up there In your window with your wife See that emperor up there

That emperor is up there with my wife No but like that movie I think anyway And I know people disagree And that's fine That's like what we do here Yeah And it's okay to like a movie by the way

I didn't fucking feel I didn't feel the length Of the Irish man I saw it in the theater In Alice Tully Hall In New York City One of the worst fucking seats ever I didn't have to get up

To go to the bathroom I just fucking sat there It moves this two hours and 25 minutes you could have fucking left shit in here people will sit in the theater for it it's star wars i'm sorry i agree but i also think another move would have been delay this a year you get carrie fit like here's the thing you guys backed the wrong horse you you killed you killed ford you killed hamill and you're like it's gonna be the carrie fisher show and then she dies tragically yeah after you make that second movie and very clearly they a were watching the fan reaction up to that second movie as they were writing the script and b we're like well how the fuck are we gonna deal with this character that we set up to be this big important character that is now dead and they just wrote it and they're like well it's got to come out in two years no matter what like

put it on 2020 put it on 2021 like you had the mandolarian coming out this year anyway like we take some Star Wars take some fucking time and write the movie properly but but I take issue with that because they had she dies nine months later they hire a writer yes that you have so much time

that's so much time to rethink your story It would have been great if they thought about everything a little bit. You know what I mean? Well, even hiring Chris Terrio, the guy behind Batman versus Superman, is a nod to the assholes on Reddit being like, you like those stupid awful movies, right? We'll get the guy who brings stupid awful movies here. And Argo.

Well, no, Argo, too. No, and here's the thing. No one's ever going to think about Argo ever again or rewatching. I think that's, that movie has a good script behind. Yeah. Argo, I think Argo has a good script. It's crazy how Argo opens with like the dead story. speak.

It's about like the Ayatola Kamani come about. The Ayatollah dude he's in the claw machine. Secret Transmissions

from the Ayatollah have been heard throughout the galaxy. The claw gets stuck in his beard. It's like a

whole thing. We're being really negative Nancy's here. Again, I saw it the second time. The one thing

that I liked the first time and I really like the second time, which I think this movie does well is it finally

gives Finn, Ray, and Po a lot of stuff to do together. Sure. And I mean, maybe that's fan service, maybe that's not. It probably is fan service.

And I think that those three actors play off each other really well. I like, and it's kind of funny because Oscar Isaac hasn't said word to Daisy Ridley in this entire, the first two movies. Yeah. And in this movie, they're like, hey, remember all these adventures we've been on you haven't seen? Which it's fine. And I actually think that I think the three of them play off each other well. I think that that that dynamic is really fun. And I think that all those scenes when they go to the fucking the, the, the, the, the, the, the ones where they go to find a McGuffin to then.

find another McGuffin to then go to the MacGuffin planet? I mean, this is the problem when you, yes. When you have a whole MacGuffin planet, big problem. There's a term for this. Fetch quest. Fetch questing. Yeah. Something like that. Like just, you have to go on a quest to fetch

something. And then you just throw a bunch of those into the movie. And that's all you're doing. The dagger to the way find. Dude, just go to the Wayfinder. I didn't see Kyle get a fucking dagger. Yeah. The Wayfinder is stupid. I'm sorry it is. And so is the drag. I mean, You get one.

It's a wayfinder or it's a dagger. It can be both. Either one of them can tell you the map to the whatever the fuck. It doesn't matter. And even in when I rewatched Force Awakens, that map to Luke Skywalker is kind of stupid too. Like it's just, it's sort of a thing where like that's not Star Wars. We're not looking for maps. We're not looking for ancient ruins.

We're just going on an adventure. Oh man. Hans Frozen. Oh man. You know what I mean? And we know where things in are magically. We know where Degab is. The whole like maps to what treasure maps.

It's not, it doesn't feel Star Wars to me. It's video game rules going into Star Wars now. Yeah, and that's a big problem because, I mean, like, video games pull it off because you're like interacting with it and it's giving you the thing to do. But honestly, that's not a way to tell a story. It's not, it's not an non-interactive story. I mean, it's all over like Aquaman does the same thing.

Sure. Like, it's all that. But you can play, like, this is not the movie I was expecting it from. Yeah. So watching it, I was just like, I don't know why you're doing this. I think you get one. Also, I do more positive stuff. I love and I want to talk about a side character

that I want a comic series. I want a movie about. I want the assassin for Ray's parents to have a whole fucking... The second time around, I'm like this guy... I like the cut of his jib. I like the cut of his jib. They could...

I feel like that could definitely be a hunter for baby Yoda in the timeline. It would work. Oh, that's kind of cool. Yeah, I like that. Season two, season three. Of the mandolary. Totally.

And I like that. that guy. I like a lot of the character designs. I like Carrie Russell a lot. I mean, I don't know what I'm talking about. I mean, you know, that's a positive thing I'll say. I think she's great. There's definitely not enough of her. There's just straight up and not enough of her. Her entire character is like,

hey, I'm here to tell you kids out there that Poe is not gay. He's not gay. I don't necessarily. Stop talking about him like that. I don't necessarily buy that. I don't necessarily buy that. That's how it felt like that. I don't necessarily buy that. Because she's not a character. She's not a character. I mean, she's a Star Wars character, which means she's not a character, first of all. I mean, there's not a ton of development throughout this franchise, really.

And the big cap to her fucking story is when all the people come, hey, yeah, I mean, she's Let's go. And not only that, Babu freak or whatever is fucking. Babu Frick, can you say his name right? He's a character from Thumb Wars. He's not a character from Star Wars. I like Babu Frick and I will fight you for him down with it. This jib jab jumps up in her cockpit that looks superimposed for him.

He's adorable. You're ridiculous. Dude, Silesia's crumb is a jib-jab, man. I'm up at jib-jib. I'll say, I'm with Eric because Babu-Frike should not be put in danger like that. Also, leave Babu-Friq with the computers. How about Babu-Freek does something that fucking matters? Like, wipe C-3Po's memory forever.

Can there be any finality in this fucking shit? Here's a thing that really bugged me. Like, I feel like I am, I'm okay with this movie. I do have problems with it, and it's fine. But the takebacks with the deaths really bothered me. You know what? Like, my jaw hit the floor when that transport exploded and you think Chewbacca is dead. Sure.

And I'm like, kill him. Fuck, that's effective. Did you think he was dead? I did for a second. I really didn't. I was like, there's no way. My heart was broken for about three and a half of it. They're not going to kill Chewbacca like that.

They're not going to do it. Why not, though? That's what I'm saying. You know who would have killed Chewbacca? Ryan Johnson. He might have, but this is not him. I would kill Chewbac. But I need, you see his face.

He has to have like, heroic end or like a big meaningful end like the other one here someone here killed Chewbacca and I'll keep Stanfield close the door no one's leaving we're gonna find a donut inside of a donut inside of a

donut and find out who Chewbacca is here's the thing though it would really and it sounds dumb but it would be a little bit realistic because sometimes that shit fucking happens and I think Chewbacca is a character that's on a level where you could do that to it

And you wouldn't have fucking Chewbacca got done dirty. I would have been the, I would have had a tattoo that said Chewbacca got done dirty. It's okay to have sudden tragedy in your story. Look, look, I agree with you. But I know for a fact, Star Wars isn't going to do that. They're not going to just kill this beloved character like that. Even if you have Chewbac potentially dying in this car accident, credit to Steve Satech for texting that a few days ago.

But it's just like, so Ben Solo grew up with Chewbacca. obviously. Ray knows Chewbacca. Yeah. They're pals. They're both just like, oh, I guess he's in there. I guess I can't use the force to understand what other people are. And later they do! They're like, oh, I guess he was on another trend. To be, fuck you

with this. There was another transfer. But to be fair, though, that's all over the original trilogy wherein, again, Darth Vader is this close to his biological daughter and cannot figure out that he's this close to his biological daughter. Yeah, but they're not blowing her up and then bring her back

to life as seen. Also, you're supposed to learn as you go along. I get it. All right. Listen. All right. So regardless of the fucking magic movie detective over there. No way! You're right away. Could you put him like that? Could you put on your

detective hat before we continue this? There's a donut and donut yet again. Listen, it's dumb that there's a second transport. It's also dumb that C3PO makes this gigantic sacrifice. And I'll say it. I hate that robot. And I still say it's a gigantic sacrifice. Yes. To get his memory wiped. Dude, why would it be

the end of the world to just leave that fucking robot? I think that's a great one. And that's how the prequel's ended, right? Didn't he get his memory wipe? They both do. Just to fucking wipe their memories. Who gives the shit? I think that makes so much more sense. It's kind of poetic. And Art two, like, I think somebody had told me that there's an alternate cut to the end of this movie wherein R2 is explaining the the trilogy to 3PO at the end of it. Right. And like that's, he has to relearn it.

You know what I mean? Like, I kind of like that idea. And maybe that's fake. Who's telling you there's this alternate cut? All this knowledge about these alternate cuts and what? Are you on Reddit? I am not. You better not be.

Not in this house. Stephen? Don't you lie to me. I have a Reddit account, but I barely use it. But I think I just, the takebacks, I think it's totally. No, but I mean, like, and it's such a coward writing. It's a small thing. like blowing up C3PO would have been

like, holy shit. Erasing his memory is totally fine. Like it'll make people a bit sad but it's the third movie. We should be a little bit sad sometime. Well, he's been blown up before we saw him put back together so that wouldn't work anyway. I'm going to put that fucking robot back together. I think

that, I mean, I think the and it's all because the robot can't translate Sith. Is Sith a language ladies and gentlemen? Is that what we're doing? It's a religion. It's a religion. It's language. I don't, you know, I don't even know what it is anymore. And also, like, the whole

development of like Snoke and Kylo Wren not using the Darth name, I felt like we were getting away from the sin. We were. Right. Because you can, you can do evil shit without worshipping the devil or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah, totally. Look at evangelical Christians. Absolutely. Perfect example. Uh, speaking of Kylo, we're jumping all over. It's fine. That's how it is. Let's see. Come on. Another beef that I really had. Why the fuck does the laying in state

body of General Organa not disappear right when she dies? Why does it hold off until Kylo-Fon? Well, this is a big conversation. It's the lay-a-convers. This is the lay-a-conference. It's the convenient to the plot. That is, that's the reason. That's the reason. I'm sorry.

There's no other fucking reason. What is the fucking Star Wars reason? No, I would say the Leia conversation, which is... I can tell you the Star Wars reason, though. Like, apparently, but like, she's, like, using the force to transfer the goodness back into Ben Solo or some shit? Whatever. I didn't buy that. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Well, it's about, how was a dead body doing?

I watched that twice, and it was never clear to me. I think, and again, like I said, like, they got, I get it. They got caught with their pants down. They, they backed the wrong horse. Carrie Fisher tragically died. And it, but, like, you can do the Lydia Soprano thing. One, it's got to be a short scene

to do it to have her be in two thirds or a third of this movie where it's like this fucking bizarre conversation she's having with nobody and by that I mean Greg Grunberg no worry his mother calls him that too but like it just

it is and it's nonsensical he says something and she says something else no exactly and I mean like I was actually and this is the wrong thing in the Star Wars movie when Leah died I was relieved I was like thank God she's fucking dead because the character they just changed the character totally because she's a

Jedi now all of a sudden. And she's training Ray which we always wanted to see right everyone we read the post and by the way Chewbacca's getting a medal because Maz saw your Reddit post the metal thing worked for me sort of the second time because it is what why do you think it sucks? Because it's just fan service it has nothing to do with anything there's why are we suddenly giving medals? I mean it is a joke that we've been

telling for 10 years though that he should have got that medal But also, I'll say what you guys have been saying. What I say that dog needs to be in a cage. What I hate about Mazz in this movie is that, like, for the last, like, it's implied in Forced Awakens that her and Chewbacca have been fucking. Like, wait, no, it is not. What the fuck are you talking about? She's like, where is that? Co-siding this.

I didn't notice, but I like it. When he's, when he's, when he's, where's my boyfriend? Where's that? Where's that, who's that, who's, right? But that's, like, a cute thing that people say, dog would split. That thing open, man. He might have. But here, maybe that's why she's so short.

Force healing has been confirmed. So maybe, like, Leah fucking fixed her. You all waited two weeks for this? No, okay. So maybe they don't fuck. Okay. Maybe they just know each other well. Just suck and play?

But all she's doing is like, Leia wanted you to do this. Leia wanted you to do this. I am not a character at all, you see. I'm just a funny looking thing. That's a great point, Chris, because she was a... Her eyes do look like pineapples. She was a completely different. character in those first two movies, and now she's

just exposition box. Well, to be fair, she lines to a robot. Wait, I'm sorry. In The Last Jedi, dude, she is just seen on the Skype call for two seconds, kind of fighting a thing, and it never matters. Fighting a union being a piece of shit, probably, right? Like, fighting a union. This union dispute, blam, blam.

But, totally. These workers are trying to unite. The fact that that is her character in that movie leads me not to believe she's going to be fucking the resistance water boy in this movie. I couldn't believe she was even there. What the fuck is the That's what I'm saying. She doesn't belong.

No, I actually think, I mean, I think that she should be training Ray, if that's the case. Like, because you set her up in this first movie, a super force sensitive, super, like, I know all about this, that. The other thing, like, she would be fine. She had the lightsaber. It would make sense. And also you have Lupini Nongo to do something. That'd be nice. But, I mean, like, the thing, here's my question to you, mostly to Eric, because he's the Star Wars guy.

And we're all Star Wars guys. But what do you think about Leah being a. a full-on Jedi. It was one of the parts... It's currently happened in this Air to the Empire book. I'm reading... I didn't mind it because of those recent. But it's not in these movies. That's my problem.

Apparently, it is now, dude. She's got her own lightsaber. I didn't mind it so much. And I know people take problem with, like, the flashback scene of her Tarkened-faced young with... Her mannequin for writing Mark Hamel's mannequin. Yes, exactly.

But it was a payoff of the EU. And by the way, even Palpatine coming back as a payoff of the EU, like, with the Dark Empire comic series, just to name one. But like, I've conflicted emotions on this, but I'm okay with it. It's not in those, if it was in those

first two movies, if she, like, she's very clearly in those first two movies, really force sensitive and has spurned the entire Jediness. And like, you know what I mean? Like, she's able to do stuff. She could sense when Han dies. She could fly through space. Yeah. I get all that. But the fact that she went through all this training of,

that's like me telling you guys I was a medical doctor the whole time. I don't practice. I podcast. I work at book publishing. But no, no, I went to eight years of medical school. Oh, you're Dr. Ken? Yeah. Dr. Ken Gion. Chris, I've cut you off, I think. No, it's going.

No, but I mean, that's, but I don't, like, it's a little too fast. It's a little too late for me, for her to be. And I don't mind her being a Jedi. Again, like, it's been set up in the EU, but it's a nice end for the character. Your point there points us to, they should have thought about this as a trilogy. You're paying $4 billion for a property. Yeah. And I know, like, I don't think Lucas had it all planned out

despite his propaganda campaign that he did. But he surrounded himself with competent people. They did reshoots. They worked hard to make each movie good on its own merits. Yes. And this is not that. Exactly. This is more like the prequels.

This is like episodes two and three where we just rush through a bunch of shit. Right. Just to get to it. Yeah. But I guess the weird difference is like we knew what the end game was for that. and this is like you had all this time. I mean, I think the greatest lesson to be learned from this movie is

there's a reason why there are certain people that get paid to write things and then the people who are complaining on the internet and not writing stories aren't being paid to write stories. Like, this is clearly just crafted from Reddit. Like, the best thing I saw, the best meme created

was the famous, like, blue title cards and it says written and directed by Reddit. Yeah. Yep. Because that's what all this is. Like, it's a... Jamming in all this EU stuff out of nowhere. It's also just like fucking Sonic the Hedgehog. Like you just like you listen to these people who know nothing. Let me be very clear.

They know nothing about hedgehog teeth. And we know nothing as well. But like why are you bowing to these people? What is wrong with you? They're going to see your movie anyway. It doesn't matter. You could make it you could. I'm not kidding.

You could put the human centipede part two back out and put Star Wars over the title. And they would see it in droves. It's true. I am Darth Laser. Shit, dude, Dieter Laser as Emperor Palpatine. I was like, Dieter Laser as whatever, maybe like some side villain in Mandalorian season two. I will make a human centipede out of three snokes.

And now this snoke has to go get my paper in some morning. Wookie centipede. Yes. He did use dogs at the start, dude. That's true. It starts with wookies, and then he graduates to Snokes. JJ, I got this friend. This is me off.

Baldwin, JJ, could you get a friend of mine into your movie? He just wants a small part. The human centipede. JJ, it is brilliant. It is a brilliant film. I'm going to send you my 35 millimeter printout. Here's a thing that should be adapted into a Disney Plus television series.

Human centipede. Yes. The second thing should be a series about a very interesting group of people we come to know nothing about all of the stormtrooper people stormtrooper who are like fin yes you know and they find them all on that island it's a cool idea it's a cool idea that doesn't get exported i like that woman who's like the leader of them is awesome finn being force sensitive now i'm okay but i'm fine what yeah i'm whatever way they didn't seem like it seemed pretty stupid

it's pretty stupid to develop it but lena training ray why not just train fin to just say that there's years that have passed. Are you talking about the ones with the boar horses? Yes. Okay. Yeah, I like them enough. I'm not sure about the ending with them with the fucking riding these boor horses on the fucking top of a Star Destroyer. Which is not that windy, it turns out, up

there. It was badass. I kind of enjoyed that. I also... I didn't mind. I understand your point, though. I will say I like the idea of Star Destroyers with Death Star capability on them. It makes sense. It's not explored at all, though. like what a cool fucking technological development for Star Wars and it's like one line of dialogue.

Well it makes more sense if it's just that the first order do it. I actually like that there is in finally there is a Final order. Finally there's a final order. There's a boardroom. There's a first order and now there's a final order. There's a boardroom scene with all these generals and like some of them are there and this is that we introduce Richard E. Grant who I do like in this movie.

Not enough to do. I do like him a lot. I just wish he was more because he's like a palpit. sicken sycophant in that he's like, oh, I served you in the empire and I'll serve you again. Have him there from the start. Have him to be responsible for this return. I just feel like it's weird. Like, where did he come from?

Because it was Hux kind of ruling the first order and then Kylo under. Yeah. So it just seems, wait, odd to me. Oh, you want him to be a character? The fuck are you talking about? It's Star Wars, the third fucking night movie. Can we mute this, Mike? I'm getting close.

I'm getting real close. I do agree. I mean, I think that he's a bit rushed. I do like, because he's such a great fucking actor. He's, he's great in the movie.

Hux, I wish, did more than just be a spy. I liked Hux. I like the Hux. And here's this fucking unceremonious surprising death that works.

See, it can work. I just think it would have made more sense for him to fucking bounce. Yeah. He's killing the or troopers. I was kind of after he. And then think about the dynamic. And then think about the dynamic.

And then. the white ribbon wrapped around his injury. Like he's in the fucking civil war. Are you kidding me? That's badgerage. But like if he defected, it would be something. It'd be interesting. Like, obviously we see Kylo Ren defects to the light side.

And that's also killed in the cradle. Dude, you know what? Now that you're talking about it, I like it. You start this movie off and it's General Hux and he's got a red mustache. And he's like, I'm part of the rebellion now, baby. Right? Now he's like sleeping with slime. monster. Exactly. Yeah, all sorts of strange. I like it over here. Yeah. Hey, so here's another

incredibly positive thing I'll say about this movie. Three little words, my friends. Babu Frick again. We love Babu Frick. Don't we? You guys do. No, here, get ready for this one, though. I think we can all agree. Billy D. Williams. He's good. Oh, yeah. I would like some explanation on, I wish they went into that that's apparently there were scenes that like his family had been abducted by the first order, his daughter, and that's who that girl is at the end? Because I'm

sitting there seeing the final Star Wars Skywalker saga movie and I'm like oh cool now Billy D. Williams wants to fuck this kid. Well, I mean that scene is so You have to cut that scene out entirely because they cut her off bid sentence. He's like well why don't wait and then they just cut to whatever.

Why don't we find out in the back of the Malayette. Yeah, it is very. We find him at Burning Man. What do you think he's after? I love that. I love. By the way, though, how is it that when someone says, like, I don't know who my family is, and then another person says, well, why don't we find out? Grant is it's sexy talk, but that's Billy D. Williams. That's all he speaks in. How does that translate to I'm going to fuck this person? Yes, just how I read this. Yeah, I mean, let's find out who your family is translates to I'm going to fuck. I said, we're going to make a family, buddy. What an odd pickup line. It's Oscar, Oswald Cobbott.

I need to find my parents. Well, why don't we find out, Mr. Cobbobot? Oh, my God. I've never been touched like this before. You know, I don't have the normal holes. They're different. They're a little different. Steve Sadek was doing the correct.

This is the penguin. Chris Cabin was doing this is Star Trek. Either or. But I mean, so Billy D. Williams is like... He's fun. Yeah, he's fun. I love that he shoots a stormtrooper with an arrow at the start of this introduction. Pretty sweet.

But he's just like, hey, guys. Yeah, no, I, Luke Skywalker was looking for a Sith Wayfinder on this planet. And I just stayed there for 25 years. I think he's just like, well, hold on. Is it legal here? Well, that's, this is the thing. This is where I'll plant my flag. If you have to retire, do it on a fun planet in the galaxy.

You know what? I can order spice and they just come. and deliver it to me. Actually, that is the part. I just remembered it now, just speaking of Billy D. Williams, when he rolls up with the Armada at the end, I did get a little teary, the galaxy coming together to fuck these people up. You know what? Also, JJ Abrams, like, we all have friends. I get it. And the fact that Dominic Monaghan shows up, that is, that's anathema. Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, never the Twain shall meet. Well, it's like maybe you could have, I don't know, him and like Greg Grunberg, like, could

been rose scenes. We could have been rose that we should talk about rose. I mean also we spent 10 minutes on the death of Greg Grunberg Oscar Isaac is ready

to call off the attack because Greg Grunberg is dead. I'm like give me a fucking break. And that only matters to people who've read the books and comics

and auxiliary materials because he snapped Wexley who is raised by Wedge Antilles in Oh really? Yeah, it's like so Wedge shows up for his cameo. That's what did it for me

specifically was when I Nice flying, Lando. Oh, my son is dead. Cool. Maybe he doesn't know yet. Well, yeah, that's, that's, that's completely. Wedge, after this, after the events of this film. Is that my snap in there?

That's the thing. After the events of this film, Wed Gentile has got some really bad news. You know what else is unknown and dead is the Knights of Wren? I would have loved. Oh, Pete, Chuck, Snapper. Listen, like, Greg. I don't. care about knowing everything about them

or if they're force sensitive, which they probably should have been because didn't he burn down the academy? Yeah, with them. Yeah, they were all those other students. Great question. They used some force powers. But like, we could have had a fight sequence set piece akin to like the throne room in the last Jedi. Yeah, some fucking force fighting. Can we see

some fucking good choreograph fights in this movie? You're telling me there's no Reddit fucking post that said, I want to see the fucking knights. I don't know that's the thing. It's like, you saw them. There they are. One great thing about the Knights in real quick. Frank, the Reggie. Reggie. I love that guy.

Frenchie. Frenchie's good too. Flippy. Zepo. Two times. But their fucking ship is like spewing out like cold exhaust or something. It's like a fucking train. I mean I enjoyed that. Dude, more trains

in Star Wars by the way. Something to think about. I do think the Knights Run are okay. I think they're just okay. They're nothing. They're nothing, but so is Bob of Fett. I mean, like, come on, guys. You're right. What is Bob doing stuff in my, no, no, no, no, no.

Fet has agency in terms of he has something to do. Yeah, and he wants to do stuff. He has something to do in Return of Jedi. He's taking Hans Solo. He's a big instigator of the plot from Empire to Return of the Jedi. The Knights of Wren are extras in the background. Yeah, they're standing in doorways. That's fair.

I think. Pudgy, Graham. I do think that Rose. Befer. Rose we could have done a lot more with and I think Rose is the fingerprint of Reddit is to me anyway. And I mean like I don't think

that she needs, I don't know if I I'm going to watch the Rose Tico Disney Plus series that everybody wants to have happen. I mean depending on what it is. But I mean like but the fact that she is so sidelined is the fingerprint of Reddit. It is. It doesn't feel

cohesive. Well like fucking you know Dominic Monaghan got this fucking roll from a bet with JJ. Well, yeah, that's, I mean, that's a hyperbole story that they told each other. Really? I mean, just a story. Well, another story and, you know, it's the internet and everyone, like you said, everybody's toss and blame and whatnot, but just to be fair to him and throw it out there, Chris Terrio did say that

one of the reasons that happened with Ray is because she had a bunch of shit to do with Leah. Rose. And that had a, she had a bunch of scenes with Leah. Even though that she was dead before the five, before the, and that's the thing. And that is the fucking JJ Abrams calling card because it's the same thing that happened with Lost where it's like yeah this was all figured out. You know what I mean? And like

clearly this wasn't either but like if if that's true Chris Terrio then like we've said like take another year rewrite your fucking movie man. And also like Rose I mean again I don't think she needs to have like a three hour cut of this movie but like you can give her something to do that matters because in the last movie she had something to do

that mattered she kind of sacrificed herself at the end and like even like you're not sure she's alive at the end. You know what I mean? Like she's injured and like they take her off and like blah blah blah. It's like kind of like Finn at the end of the first one. If I'm remembering that properly. But anyway like just have her be like she's the one that

blows up the thing at the end or she's the one that like or even cares that Finn's doing it. You know what I mean? Because they set up a romantic thing that they totally nicks in this one. That's completely gone. It was also very hard for me to walk into this movie without without having all the like Johnson hate

in my head coming in and having that, like, oh, you know what, Chris? Good. Good. Hey, Chris, do you like the part where Luke Skywalker as a ghost showed up and said everything I said in the last movie was wrong. It was all bullshit. No, you can't throw a light sword.

It's a sacred thing. That is, that's a lot. That's another fingerprint. That was really, that's the fucking Reddit calling card right there, I think. Because I mean, like, it's one thing, like, you could say, oh, well, he learned more in the afterlife and blah, blah, blah, but like what he learns is again that the Jedi shouldn't exist. You know what I mean?

Like even Yoda's like, ah, it's horseshit, dude. It's all over with. The two of them sit there in the last Jedi and watch that shit burn down. The last shot of that sequence is the two of them sitting on a log, watch it all burns. It's a simple fix. She throws it in and then she decides

I have to go back to get it. I have to put my hand in the fire literally to get this thing back that I believe in. It's so easy. We've been dancing around her quite a bit. What do we think of Daisy Ridley? What do we think a granddaughter Palpatine. I mean, listen, here's the thing, and it's kind of just like

aping a joke you've been saying already, so credit to Steve Saneck already, but like, never should Ross Palpatine use the word granddaughter. The word granddaughter. She would Palpatine.

With Sheave, excuse me. Ross is his son. Which apparently the force skips a generation. When she shows... Oh, I know it, but not for Skywalker. When she shows up exigal and he's Welcome, my grand... Both times. I think he says grandchild, which is a little more dignified.

Sure. I am laughing. I laughed both times because I was already out on the movie the first time. I think he's like, oh, maybe this movie... And he's like, oh, man. Welcome back, my oogie-buggy, sweet-ups.

Miss Big City Jedi decides to visit people Palpatine. Oh, well. Oh, couldn't send a card on Life Day. I see. FaceTime. I've been trying to FaceTime with you. Granddad, you didn't give me your stupid fucking Sith GPS

so I don't know how to get to you. Also, my VCR is blinking 12. You're supposed to come over and fix it. I want to record my stories. I told you not to move to Exigal. It's so far away from where I live. I'm going to take fucking two transports to get to Exigal, you son of a bitch.

Why do you think I never visit? The climate agree. with me. Get more for your money. I'm a bit of a snow sif. It's my lord. I think she's good. I actually, I do think she's good.

She is good. She gets higher. In this movie, even more so than the first two, she gets handed a pile of shit and she makes it into something. I think it's a lot of them in this movie. And the character and she makes the character still makes sense somehow, which is a shocking thing for an actress to do because the character

doesn't make sense. I like her. being a reluctant Palpatine. I like her meeting her evil self on the debts. I kind of like that bit when we're on the Dead Star and like the idea of a sunken Death Star is really cool to me. I think that shit's really awesome. I did. I did think it was

pretty neat. And it feels like it should be where the climax of the film should be possibly. Oh, no it did. Oh wait, but I left like 30 minutes before it ended. There's more. So when did Palpatine? So Palpatine had a kid and he was just like oh my dad is so mean

even though I got the keys to the umpire I mean they could be living in pig shit luxury but the kid didn't want to go to the take over the hardware store like he just wanted to fucking have sex with Eve or whatever

I'm gonna Jody Comer yes so I'm just gonna sell my child to what was that guy's name Udo Udo Udo Kee Who yes I'll take this child

why not it'll be a lot of fun Mr. four quarter portions or whatever Simon Pegg I'm speechless I mean it's plot detail well because the thing is like in you know like obviously the last one it's the great Adam driver bit of like you know who you are

you're nobody your parents sold you for drinking money and this it's like well actually she was she thought that but she was actually my granddaughter I feel like they should just made her a clone If just say Snoke's a clone, say she's a clone, and then she is kind of nobody, because she's just a copy. I mean, I mean, it does do the Star Wars thing of a, from a certain point of view. Right.

And it'll, you know, the fucking prequels, we're all about friggin clones. Yeah, that's true. Why aren't we more openly cloning if we're going to fucking bring people back from the death? If we have this technology, just keep cloning people, like whatever. As Dominic Monaghan says, cloning, dark technology, that's what Palpatine's all about. Who are you again? Dude, it is fucking redonculus that he is in this movie. It is so stupid.

I do love also the Oscar Isaac line of somehow Palpatine has returned. Somehow I'm running out the clock on this contract, which ends of the strike of midnight and I'm thrilled. When I saw the Death Star all broken on the ground, I was like, who somebody had fun. Here's a question. Play a game of does this work? Okay.

Harrison Ford in this movie. It's the only way this make, like, the problem, here's the thing, is the problem is. A non-force ghost. He's a non-force ghost and he says, I'm a memory and you're like, wait, what? Don't worry about this. No, it's a ghost. It's not a forced ghost. It's a normal ghost.

I mean, the thing is, I think that there's a way in which this makes sense in which Leah is projecting that onto him. That's her final kind of a thing. Okay. That's a way to, maybe that's possibly what's happening, but it seems like a stretch like, just explain. It's the only way you can redeem this character, which I

actually think shouldn't have been redeemed. I like Adam Driver a lot. Obviously, I think he's great. I think he's a great villain and like let's call him a villain. I kind of like the redemption. I feel like, if anything, if you're going to do that, go all the way. Because at the end of Return of the Jedi, Vader is

redeemed, instantly dies. In this movie, Kylo Ren is redeemed, instantly dies. Yeah. You know, subvert the expectation and have him live. It's harder because, like, you, I mean, Vader had the death of all drawn on his hands. It's kind of hard to walk around.

I'm like, no, I'm cool, man. Look, I'm wearing a white. I was wearing a black shirt before that, man. I was bad. Yeah. White shirt. So cool. Change your heart. Yeah. It's kind of hard. It's messy. You know what? Drop them off on that fucking Luke Skywalker Island. That's a good. Exile. That scene with Hans. That scene with Hansel would work

so much better if there was nobody because he's all alone. That's like the point of the whole. moment is like, I killed my fucking dad. My mom said, I am all the fuck alone. Yeah. But no, you have to have another goddamn forward moment. Yeah. I mean, I drove me nuts.

I'm sorry, guys. Yeah. You said that the Han Solo moment would work if Han Solo wasn't there. What are you saying? Like his not, it's Kyle Lorenz moment. It was just him talking to himself. Or just like not even talking like just like looking around and like knowing that he's all alone for real.

Like he fucking did it to himself. He did all of this to himself. Yeah. No, you don't because he's got to be a nice little fucking boy that you're going to do. But it is at least a great, I think it's a great moment after he hucks the lightsaber in the water and then he turns around and he's gone. At least for that moment, he is

totally alone. Well, when he's after with Ridley, but like then I don't know why you have this moment with Hansel other than just be like, you know, you love Harrison Ford, right? He's back, everybody. He's back. That's how I kind of felt about it. It's hard because he did the most unforgivable thing, which is kill Harrison Ford.

So you have to have him on You don't have to, but the only way they thought that audiences would buy him as a nice guy is if Harrison Ford was like, I'm cool being dead. You know what I mean, guys? It's fine. It's actually really great. I did like the... I can go be

Indiana Jones. You know that movie Dracula Dead and Loving it? I'm Dracula, folks. I love it. I... Oh, man. I lost it again. Hans Solo dead bastard. Oh, I liked how

those like final moments of their interaction is just mirroring the dialogue from Force Awakens. I thought that was, and it's something. And it's sort of like that makes it more of a memory if we're playing the memory game. Memory. Oh, la-da-na-na-da-ha. Oh, fuck, yeah, Kevin.

It's definitely a lesser problem for me. I didn't really mind. On the list of stuff that I... I'm going to say something positive I liked about the movie. The hyper-space jump. No. The hyperspace jump. That's fun. That was pretty cool. It's cool. And it

carries over one thing from the last Jedi that the first order Thai fighters can enter hyperspace and catch up with them. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's something. And also at some point, I think when we're not negating Last Jedi entirely because we say

the Holdo maneuver, which is also hilarious thing. They're like, well, how are we going to do it? Some guys, like, I think it's even Darwin like, Monaghan's like, hey, I'm in this movie. Like, fuck. And he's like, what do we do? why don't we do a couple of holdo maneuvers and then everyone's like well no it's like

that there's a one million shot also like that's suicide we're not going to be suicide bomb we don't have those big ships you understand you had a big ship that is almost fan service to be like hold them we don't know that's stupid that's stupid from a stupider movie yeah that's right

that's kind of how I read it I don't know I thought that that and then there's that part when he's talking to Carrie Russell's character who I don't know Zora or Zori I think Zori, and he's like... Zori Bliss. And again, I like Poe in this movie.

I think that... I think Poe's good. And he's much more of a slapdash kind of like, ha-ha, kind of a character in this movie, which I think makes a lot more sense for the character. And he's just like, you know, we had... At the Battle of Crate, we called out

nobody came. You know what I mean? And like, that still sticks in his craw. Right. And it seems really weird that Billy D. Williams, Orlando Calarizian, can just get the entire universe

to show up in a second. I guess because he's had sex with all of them? I think it speaks to the fucking suaviveness of Lando Calarizian man You got Oscar Isaac You know fucking Po Damran Like he's just like this Swindler scoundrel kind of a guy

But you know And he's handsome in his own right But he's not as swog But as Lando Calrissian When they sent out the distress call about Crete Or whatever did Lando get it And be like Ah no it's not dirt

It's carnival here So I'm not coming I'm not gonna convince anyone It's possible man He's off the grid there Well, you see, it's Fat Tuesday here. We can't be doing that. What do you think of

Robots wasted in the back? Dude, Lobot should have came back. What do you think about Po? It was executed. Po is a spice runner, man. He's a drug dealer. I'm fine with it. I think it's rad because it adds to like he, I mean, because he is the Han Solo of this. Sure. Yeah. So it's nice that like that, you know,

it plays into the piratey scoundrel stuff and, you know, of those kinds of characters in the Star Wars universe. They made Poe like the Han Solo. he's the X-wing pilot and Finn they were I guess he's a fucking Jedi kind of I don't know

I liked him in this movie I'm not saying I disliked him I'm just saying they could have done something better with this character I think he's good with Poe I think the scenes with Ray are not good there's for the most part apparently that when he was like they fall into the quicksand or whatever

the thing he wanted to tell Ray was not that he loved her that is Jedi that he has force powers It would be cool if it ever came back. That's that moment in any way. Ever paid off. That's the problem is that like, okay, he's force sensitive. Do something with it.

No, totally. Why don't you do something except for just saying, oh, I'm going to say something? Oh, I'm going to say something. Oh, I'm going to say something. That was another thing that I read on the internet today, so I don't even know if it's a true thing. But in when they're on top of the Star Destroyer and whatever, he supposedly did use the force to fix the thing that was wrong. Yeah. And they just animated BB8 over it, fixing it instead.

That makes sense. I mean, again, this movie, like, here's the thing. I don't know if that's true, but there's plenty about this movie I like. I will say, capital P, plenty. This movie's a fucking mess. It's a mess. And they put it, they rushed it out. It is okay to like it.

And I know this is probably the hundredth thing you've seen of people yelling about it, but it's okay to like it. I think it's worth yelling about, but it's enjoyable. I still would say that I liked the movie. Yeah. I just, I had a lot of problems with it. That's okay, because there's no fucking flawless piece of anything, you know?

I think I fall on disliking the movie, but I realize this, this, this, this, this trilogy is over and I don't need to have such a strong opinion. I can let go. Yeah. But I also think, I can finally live.

Yes, Eric, you can. Finally today. Yes. I just don't, I don't like it. I hate it, in fact. But my whole thing is like, you wouldn't give this kind of like excuses to any other movie. You would not allow it.

It would not happen. So when people are like, okay, there's one or two excuses I have to make to make this work, that's fine. That's what I expect from Star Wars. There's a couple conveniences. This is convenience after convenience after convenience to make this thing that nobody fucking wanted except for these idiots on Reddit. Chris has a good point here because like so many people speaking of J.J. Abrams, hated Star Trek into darkness

and it's a fucking cohesive movie despite whatever problems you have with it it is not it's well made you can dislike that he's calm which I kind of do I just like to do I decide in the theater all fine to think but it is a cohesive

well made movie it's really well paste here's my thing on this movie I think the floor was always it was going to be the sixth best Star Wars movie, and it's not. It is the sixth-best Star Wars movie. No, no, it is. Disagree. So wait, hang on a second. In the saga,

you're saying nine saga films only. Well, no, no, no, no. I'm counting all the other properties, Solo. I put Solo and Rogue One above this. That's fair. But let's, but just talk. And by the way, I also, I think this is better than Solo and Rogue One. Okay. I didn't get a chance to rewatch Solo. I'm the weird guy who rewatched Rogue One. And I think it's really fucking great.

And I liked it a lot. I rewatched Rogue One and I hated it. Really? I rewatched everything. And I actually, I liked Rogue One. I put solo above it. I know I'm weird. But so let's just say, though, for the sake of argument,

Skywalker Saga only, where does this land betwixt nine movies? Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi. Last Jedi Force Awakened. And then, yeah, this. Yeah. So it is.

That's kind of where I'm, that's where I've been. But I mean, I also think, I think that the characters, are enough to carry me through a messy landing. I think that they do, I mean, and it's a messy, it's a messy movie. I'm really curious how we're going to perceive this movie 10 years from now. Oh, totally.

And I'm sure I'll soften on it. Maybe someone will harden on it. I don't think people are going to soften. Like, I kind of feel like this is one of those things where people cannot perceive of how bad it is because, like, you're comparing it to the prequels. Some of the worst movies, like at least the first two. But you have to.

It's all part of the same thing. You don't have to do. nothing. This is chapter. It's chapter nine of a thing that started with chapter one, two, three. I'm saying in a couple of years, you might come to the point where you're like, this is as bad as those prequels. I can see that.

Because like, it's too new. It's right here. It's just happened. Then you are comparing it to the prequels. I am. Of course I am. Yeah. But I don't know if people are ready.

Like, I think because those things are so bad and they have such a story, a backstory of being bad, like, it's the biggest deal in the world that those. movies suck. Yeah. So I think you're not ready to see them on the same scale as this is what I'm saying. But here's the thing. I think those prequel movies are bad for a lot of reasons. One being like the leads are terrible.

You know what I mean? And like they're wooden and they're not fun. And that this movie doesn't do that because I think that the leads at least have arcs that sort of makes sense even if you don't like them and also the character, the characterization and the acting is better. Yeah, well, that's exactly right, because between these, so 7, 8, and 9, two of J.J. Abrams, one of Ryan Johnson, and I don't, you know, I don't think J.J. Abrams is a great director, but he and Johnson, I think both can direct actors really well. Yes. And so that, even though, like, this Rise of Skywalker is not great, there are good performances in it that at least don't feel like, love me like you did when we were on Naboo.

Like, the fucking deliveries. And again, attack of the clone specifically is wretched. Yes. And it's because George Lucas can't direct actors. He can come up with all these cool ideas for the story and whatever. And that's awesome. And, you know, we owe a lot to him. But he cannot direct an actor to save his fucking life.

Yeah. You know, that's all. I don't know. That's a weird fucking rant to end on. So I guess maybe, you know, we're over an hour here. Final thoughts and maybe a letter. Where? Branking her.

We could do it. I already ranked. Yeah, we all said the six. People complain when we rank. I mean, how about this? How about like final thoughts and where, maybe do a letter grade if you want to and where you see Star Wars going from here? Okay.

Final thoughts, again, I think this, I think top line this movie is a mess. I think that there's no way to spin this aware in this movie is not a mess. And that's a problem because the other two movies were not messes. Force Awakens, I think. I rewatched it. I found it a little more wooden than I had in the past. But at the very least, like Abrams has a... And the thing that I like about Abrams as a stylist

is he has really impressive shots. He's got a really impressive ability to compose a shot that gives you that G-Wiz wonder. And this movie is a little too fast for that. It's not slow enough where you could stop and be like, holy crap. Like the Darth... The Death Star in the water is like such a cool idea

and it happens so fast. You don't get to linger with it, which you want to do in an Abrams movie. Ultimately, it's a mess. But I like the characters. I like sort of, I like the ultimate end of the film. I do kind of like Ray with her own lightsaber. I kind of hope it's the last time I ever see her,

even though I really like the character. I would like, I think what the Mandalorian has shown us is the best way to do Star Wars is to stay away from the big totem poles. Leave those as the totem poles and build on top of it and find characters that could have existed in between those things, races that could have existed between those things things in the nooks and crannies that we always wanted to see that we never saw. That is

the way to explore the story further and leave the Skywalker's, the Palpatine's Facts, all of them out. I agree on almost all those points. I'll say one thing, two things we didn't talk about that really stuck with me and I really didn't like the ending where

she takes the name Skywalker. I'm like well that just inverts everything you were just talking about. Could I find it? It was kind of of a laughable moment. I was like, what the fuck are you talking? Like, this is supposed to be the end of the Skywalker saga and you're like, no, no, no, there's more Skywalks. We swear. We swear. We swear. Here's the thing. The funny thing, that moment could work

in either a way where she is Palpatine's granddaughter or this whole movie happened where she wasn't from Kalpatine's granddaughter and she felt the legacy and like, maybe she was nobody and she put it away and they're like, I'm a Skywalker. Like, that's actually kind of nicer, but I'm sorry. But like she's no, like, the

switching of the nobody thing is probably my biggest issue of the whole thing. The other thing I want to talk about really quick is Kylo. We didn't really talk about him that much. The helmet is stupid. But two, like, they plod

so much from the Kajimi to the end with like we're going to be here. Um, be bad. No. Be bad. No. Be bad. No. Be bad. No. I'm good. You do what your mother tells you, dude. I just didn't. I found it really

limp like I felt like they just like coughed this out I I felt I never felt rush I never felt like any thrilled the way I usually feel with Star Wars I'm over talking but like yeah I really had a lot of hatred for this movie I didn't have as much hatred as you obviously I there's a lot I like there's a lot I dislike and your point about the ending I think it's kind of right because we kind of like get there and even though there's the Sith fleet and shit it feels like nothing happens. It feels like we hardly get anything to this. The fucking action literally never gets

off the ground, dude. That fleet doesn't fucking take off. Go to Coruscant or something. Show me something. Oh, dude, the Star Wars City Battle? Fuck. 75-9-11. I'm but a siege. Yeah. Do a blockade again. I don't know. And then like Palpatine like four sucking power out of people

and then he switches from suck to blow. Dude, I mean that part is so ridiculous. He comes in and he's like, if you kill me, you're become me unless you reflect energy from a lightsaber which is totally different than killing

okay no no I'm actually Dracula now I'm actually I saw it twice but I guess he does does he dies right disintegrate sort of you see him like melt yes yes yes yes yes yes but it's probably a problem that I saw this twice and don't even remember

how the villain dies because there's so much shit happening that we can't breathe for a second and to that end, you can't have a well-crafted dogfight in space or something. You can't have a lightsaber battle that is interesting to look at because we have to get to the next plot point because this is something that should have been like two movies, right? Just split and half, Infinity War endgame, like, I don't know why we're so beholden to the idea of a trilogy just because that's what it was. Branding. Yeah, it's branded. Exactly. I mean,

it's all just nostalgia poisoning. I think a lot of people have gotten over Star Wars. And probably, obviously myself included, because I'm a pig and shit with Star Wars. Yeah. And that's also my own problem because then I watch this movie and I'm set up to be disappointed. But I don't know. I mean, you're talking to a lifelong Star Trek fan over here and like, you know, I only know disappointment for the most part. Like a lot of those fucking TNG movies are fucking terrible.

This is kind of why I want to flood the gates with Star Wars content because there's been so much Star Trek. And you can find good shit in those. Nooks and K-N-G, T-O-S, whatever. Maybe you don't have to be a Voyager guy if you don't want to be. And it's like, maybe if we make enough of these movies, I can have the ones I like and I can just not give a fuck about anything else. Right. And, you know, I think you do have that.

There's plenty of these movies that you like. Yeah. Right. There's also, you know, this one that you don't like. And there's the prequels that you don't like, which, sure, people like. But the hours of Star Trek. Right. Compared to the hours of Star Wars, even with the new Disney output.

There's more. No, I know. way more. There's way more. That's all I'm saying. A lot of it's bad too. I know. But I get what you're saying. But that's what I'm saying. Yeah. And who's on first? If the pool is really big, I'm not going to taste the chlorine as much. That's all I. That's perfectly or the piss, actually. More more likely. I think these movies are mess. I think it was a totally fine experience seeing in the theater. For me, now I'm kind of in a place where I'm totally happy to wait till October

when the Mandalorian comes out again, season two. And, you know, I'm reading these, like, books now and I'm kind of going back through stuff, so I don't know. I'm in a weird place. Keep reading. Yeah, I do. I don't know. I think there's a... Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. We'll see.

We will see. That's a great place to leave it, Steve. We will see. I think it's a perfectly fine place to leave it. So that has been the W.H.M. on screen for Star Wars Episode 9, colon the rise of Skywalker. Until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin.

I'm the dark clone of Stephen Sadek. I'm just Chris Gavin. I'm Eric Siska, disintegrating at the end of the movie. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.