We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 503 - Toy Soldiers

Episode Date: September 8, 2020

On the season eleven premiere of We Hate Movies, the gang heads back to school with the absolutely bonkers child action film, Toy Soldiers! Why couldn't Louis Gossett Jr's character be some kind of disgruntled Vietnam veteran? What's with this phone sex hangout? And just look at all the banana hammocks in this movie! PLUS: Did the Cannon Film Group assist in the special effects department? WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. Toy Soldiers stars Sean Astin, Wil Wheaton, Keith Coogan, Andrew Divoff, R. Lee Ermey, Mason Adams, Denholm Elliot, Michael Champion, and Louis Gossett Jr.; directed by Daniel Petrie Jr. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Now on today's program, it's the season premiere of We Hate Movies, and we are going back to school to talk to you about Toy Soldiers. I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Sadek, Eric Siska, Chris Cabin, and we hate movies. Hello, Hello, everyone, welcome to the season 11 premiere, of We Hate Movies, which is one of the craziest things I've ever said in my life. Eleven, where we care for kids. Eleven,

where we care for kids. Last week, we were borderline 11. And now we are crossing the border into season 11. We're talking about Toy Soldiers from 1991, directed by Daniel Petrie. Who I feel

we've done some... He's a previous episode guy? He did in the Army now is what I remember. Oh, so stay tuned then. By the way, Daniel Petrie, Jr. Oh, pardon me. Yeah, his father had nothing to do with this shit. He's involved in two stay tuned.

It's in the Army now and Turner and Hooch. Oh, sure. I think he wrote Turner and Hooch. I mean, this guy, I mean, he also wrote what, Beverly Hills cop. This guy's got a lavish domain of his own. Oh, my Lord. I'm sorry. This is a television movie that he directed by,

starring James Garner called Dead Silence, wherein he's a veteran FBI agent negotiating the release of a busload of hearing impaired school children taken hostage by three desperate convict. I'm laughing already. I don't know if that's on HBO Max anymore, but it was.

Oh, for sure. Is that right? I'm absolutely positive. Because I passed it a bunch of times. I'm like, no, that's not a movie. That can't be a movie. He also did another TV movie called Framed for T. It's even on the poster starring Roblo and Sam Neal.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I will say, actually, I just looked at the poster, such as it is, for dead silence. And unless James Garner is in this exact same position wearing that exact hat in another poster. He looks like a football coach. He does, right? I mean, I think I have seen this poster before somewhere. I don't know where exactly now that's going to bother me. So Petru Jr. is really, he's like one of the kings.

of like children in danger. Yes. Movies. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because this is, you guys have said it before on the program,

because this movie has come up a lot over the years. It's die hard in a high school. But, but I just, I do want to clarify because you may be thinking to yourself like, oh, this sounds a little familiar.

Isn't that like that Patrick Stewart movie you guys did? Masterminds, right? Previous episode. This is, it's pretty much the same movie, except for that one's a little more kid centric. Well, that's what I'm getting at, man. This movie is balls to the walls violent. The fucks are all over this screenplay. And you know what? That's why this movie rules. You could see clearly Keith Coogan's hog. Dude, the boy body in this movie is a little uncomfortable as a grown man. You know, it just, I guess the idea is this was kind of like, um, uh, like, you're trying to get the teen beat girls to go to. Like, ooh, you know, Will Wheaton and Sean.

Ashton or whatever. It's 1991. You're going to see a bunch of boys with their shirts off. But it's kind of weird in this very clearly male centric man action movie, right? These are all the guys that you would settle for, I feel. Oh, man.

Sean Ashton, Will Wheaton? I mean, they were on top of the world at a certain time. This is almost like an Avengers of like Little Hunks. Little hunks. All that's missing is Edward Furlong in a mech suit. I am Iron Man Terminator.

Hey Terminator, who's the bigger robot now, man? Yeah, I mean, I guess I could see that. I mean, this is 1991, so like Will Wheaton was still kind of on TNG, I think. Top of the world? I mean, sure. That's what I was kind of wanting to address here. But I'm sure there was some teen beats with him in them is what I'm getting at there. There was what?

Teen Beets. Oh, that Will Wheaton was in. Yeah, like that, and possibly Sean Aston because he was in stuff. Yeah, the Doe Edition. Dude, he's pretty fucking muscular in this film. I was shocked.

Yeah, I will say, he's looking pretty swelled. I think it's a thing where it's like, hey, Sean Aston, you're going to be in this movie where your fucking shirt is off half the time. And the rest of the time, you are definitely wearing sleeveless t-shirts.

So you better start doing some either some arm lifts or some push or something, buddy. I got to tell you, Encino Man is just the next year in 1992, and he's full on fat in that movie. And it's basically like me at the beginning of COVID, me now, is the weight game situation, although I didn't start in good shape, so it's getting worse. Well, it's, it's him from that and then to stranger things then, right? Well, like, if you're going from this

to Encino Man, like, if you eat the spaghetti bolognais and don't work it off, it turns back to fat pretty quickly. Sure. Hey, I also just want to mention my point of confusion here. I'm mixing up my petries because this is Dan Petri. Petri dish. But there's a motherfucker Donald Petri director of Richie Rich previous episode. Wow. He's the same dude that did Opportunity Knox, Mystic Pizza, Grumpy Old Men, the associate with Whoopi Goldberg. So which one of them do you think was up in the attic game to Fish Head? Was it Donald or Dan?

It had to be Donald, dude. Is this motherfucker directed Just My Luck in 2006, two years after he did, Welcome to Mooseport. They are brothers, and Daniel Petrie, Sr. is the father who directed Raisin' in the Son and some other stuff. Look at this. Look at this nepotism. Oh, sure. It just gives us, this is how, like, bad movies, it's like self-fulfilling prophecy,

because there's always a rich little shithead to the camera. Eric was going to recommend this movie now out the window it's gone sorry there's what you recommend this is where Daniel Petrie he was at a prep school

that was taken over by Colombian terrorists based on a true story if Donald is the one who is responsible for having Gene Hackman quit acting I think he's the one

in the attic with the fish heads oh man guys I just looked at the author of the novel this is based on William P. Kennedy and he died a few days ago.

Oh, really? Oh, no. Keep doing this. August 18th, 20, it's almost like there's a pandemic going on. Jesus. Wait, did this guy die of COVID? I don't know. 804, maybe. Hey, don't worry. Florida. By the way, you guys, with

today's episode that we are doing, we are now, we've completed the Petrie family trifecta because the fucking father directed cocoon the return previous episode. Wow, dude, we're fucking this whole family. out there. Hey, hey, your mother directed any shitty movies?

Huh? Let us know. Yo, we're going to do an episode going to do an episode on your mother. Yeah, your mother's an episode on Wee Hey movies. Oh, fuck. The dad also directed Lifeguard with Sam Elliott. Well, we're not done with the mother yet. Okay,

we're starting at the start. So the toes, that nail polish, really, lady? Oh, man. uh so is steve this was kind of one of yours i guess you and cabin uh you want to kind of distill what this movie is well this is um this is a huge HBO movie for me growing up it was on tv all of the fucking time it is it is diehard to prep school it's basically uh a bunch of columbian terrorists see lay siege to a prep school of not just rich kids but also rich kids

that have been bounced around from prep school to press school because they're like the worst of the worst quote-unquote, but it really only means these five kids, not the rest of the 60 kids, tops that are in this prep school. They say 90, but I guarantee it's not 90. Dude, every time, like, so one of the things in this movie is the terrorists are like,

all right, every hour on the hour, you have to come back into this room and we're doing a head count to make sure all the students and faculty are still here, and the number is 92 that this guy's got to count to. And every fucking scene, it's like 89, 90, 91, 92. Got it.

And then when the dude says, got it, the camera pulls out to the room, and there's fucking 20 people standing there. It's incredible. It just seems like the movie would have been the exact same if you had 30 students you had to count. To be fair, they all look very alike. Yes. It's a very like the cast is not very varied in faces, at least. Oh, really? For a rich person prep school, that's shocking that that's what this movie is.

The sons of the evil empire. My God, these people. It is kind of funny when they reveal all that and it's like, oh, your dad, you know, works at the White House, your dad controls this bank. Timmy Halliburton, where is he? Timmy Halliburton? Timmy Halliburton. Little David Geesey, huh? Freddie Enron.

There is a... All right, Paul Domino's. Where is Paul Domino's? heir to the Domino's fortune. Okay, where's Jeff Lockheed Martin? Mary Ann Uber. Mary Ann Uber. Where are you?

Marianne Uber. I like the intro to this movie because, like, the little prologue here is kind of like the tail end of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Yes. Like, it's like, you're in Columbia. There's all this political upheaval going on. It's, uh, yeah, Andrew Divoff, the great Andrew Devoff. Who has gone on record to say this is his favorite performance?

I'm with him. I'm with him. Makes sense? He's kind of great in this movie. He's spitting hot fire this whole movie. Has taken over this courthouse. And it is kind of, this movie is kind of like canon kids a little bit. It's a tri-star picture.

But it is like the squibs are out of control. The explosions are out of control. It's very canon-esque. And this is very much very canon-esque. Yeah, this is very canon-esque. they've laid siege to this courthouse and he's like holding this judge hostage because the whole thing is his father

who was like this major Colombian drug dealer has been extradited to the United States for trial and so there's like a bunch of negotiation going on and the judge is like trust me dude because Devoff's character is like release my father right now and the judge is like hey man that guy is definitely in America and Devovoff is like no no no no you're fucking lying to me

you're a gross federal judge where's my dad And he's like, I'm telling you, your dad was extradited. And then there's like some report that confirms it. And this, this moment here, you're like three minutes into this movie. It sets the tone for all the amazing canon-esque shit that is yet to come. Because Devoff just throws this judge. Like, he looks like he's about to throw him out the window. And then like they get in a fucking helicopter.

Oh, my God. This is insane. First, they throw a lady off out of the window. That's what it is. And that lady fucking plants. and it's like, holy shit. You're totally right. And that's the moment.

I'm conflating the awesomeness of this prologue. But that's what it is. And is she supposed to be anyone? Is she just like a receptionist that works at the office? She's just a hostage. Like, I don't think they even like say who she is. She's a human shield. Yeah.

I mean, it's a lady in a pink dress who fucking eats that marble staircase hard. And shit. And you see, I mean, you see it where, which is in comparison to the Pinochet special that the judge gets. Yeah. Fucking push out the helicopter. and he just falls into the camera. It's beautiful. It is a beautiful shot because you don't ever see him fall.

You just see him with his judicial robes like floating in the blue sky. Did you, did you look close at what's going on here? Yes, I did. It's important. Because they, Steve, go ahead. There you go, please. I mean, it's a race to talk about the awesome shit in this movie I feel is what's going on here. But they take the dude up in the plane.

And when they throw this judge out of the plane, it's a skydiver wearing a mask. And a judge robe. I did not notice the best. It is incredible. He looks like the fucking guy from the old man from Texas chainsaw, basically. It's like, Grandpa's going skydiving kind of a thing. Oh, Grandpa, you were always the best with pulling the rip cord. That makes so much sense because in my head, I was like, he's doing exactly what I would be doing if I had judge robes, which is trying to make the judge robes into like a parachute and like trying to like blow it out a little bit, try to make a squirrel suit type thing going on.

Oh, sure, dude. You got to do as much as you can in your last minutes on this earth. Which I appreciate because it would be so easy to do a dummy there. It would look like crap, but it's smart to do a skydiver because at least you can have, and the dude's doing skydiving acting, I guess. He's like, oh, no, kind of a thing. It's kind, yeah, and he just sort of like goes limp and falls. And you can sort of, like, it's kind of genius that the judge robes are left on this guy

because it sort of conceals the parachute pouch like a little bit, but definitely not because, like, he definitely still just has a hump on his back. Well, no, he was just, you know, he just had a hump back. He was just a disfigured. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's fucking awesome. Today on the Skydiving News Network, the, we've lost our only Supreme Court Justice, the skydiving, excellent Judge Hopper, the cool one.

The cool one. There's no one to break ties in the air anymore. And with this, we salute the cool one. It turned out today, tragic news out of Colombia, we lost the skydiving judge. It appeared that this afternoon, he was the hammer. And the ground, well, the ground was the gavels platform. This, of course, only comes weeks after the death of the only skydiving clown. Flibble.

It's been a hard, you know, it's been a hard year for the world, but it's been a devastating year for the skydiving community. Now all the skydiving community looks to one of our most beloved figures, Nancy, the skydiving nurse. Question, though, is how, I mean, I assume the skydiving industry has been devastated by COVID because who? I bet it's over. Oh, yeah, that's a good question. Because it's like, you could socially distance at 20,000 feet. Dude, talking about social distancing. It's outdoors.

I feel like bungee jumping is probably out though Oh yeah that's trouble No it's in You just have to get a meal When you get it Yeah They're converting it

To outdoor eating You can't just have a beer You need a meal with your beer You can't just bungee jump Eat some French fries Dude now I'm just picturing Like Dan Cortez Bungi jumping off a bridge

With like chicken wings in his hands I like it He puts a mozzarella stick at the bottom and bites half of it and the cheese stretches as he goes up. Oh, yeah, there it is. That's nice. That's like a mouth bungee. Oh, I don't know why, but that's awful. It just sounds awful to my ear.

One thing I don't want to lose is when you, the first shot of Andrew Divoff is you see this whole courtroom in peril. They've lined all of these hostages against the window so no one can shoot them, yada yada. and he is banging a gavel but it's actually using the butt of his gun which seems really dangerous to me yeah wow dude i would not be doing that this guy is bad ass it's just it's it's when you get a gun there's a big x with that picture when like in the manuals like please do not use your gun as a gavel sir and you and you judge are found guilty oh i shot my henchman again oh my henchman's dead Okay, get to get a new henchman today. Judge Dredd should have had that.

Like, before he could, like, kill anyone, he had to bang his gun on something. Well, so it's like, what does that, what does that safety manual say, Steve? Don't bang your gun like a gavel. Don't scratch your forehead with your gun. Don't pretend to do karaoke with your gun. That's also a bad use of a gun. Yes. Don't pretend it's a microphone.

Don't stir your coffee with your gun. Oh, yeah, definitely not, dude. Not a good idea. Don't mouth bungee with it. also not a good idea so this judge fucking eats pavement and we cut to this bucolic

white as white can get prep school I feel like the movie is really trying its best here which means failing the two black actors in the movie are Lugas Jr. and some kid who's one of the friends

legit shocked that both of these characters make it through the movie alive. Yeah played by T.E. Russell But there's also, you know, a Latin kid. George Perez plays Ricardo Montoya. Oh, yeah. Their group of friends is weirdly diverse, but everybody else is white. And it's kind of hilarious because at one point later in the movie,

they're trying to fuck with the head count. And T.E. Russell, Hank Giles, gets back in line to be counted again. And the guy's like, I already counted you. I'm like, yeah, if you're going to do that scam, do it with anybody else. dude how about the kid from don't tell mom the babysitter's dead make him fucking do that gag one of your 700 Aryan friends but I haven't put a hat on by the way Andrew Divoff's Ivdb profile picture is him with an eye patch and I'm sure it's for a movie no but I'm like did he what did he lose an eye it's from

it's actually from the character he played on Lost oh okay where he was playing a Russian actually dude's a fucking master of accents. Yeah. I read that he knows like eight languages. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Sometimes I think that's like, yeah, you know I'm not going to check them all. So you're going to add some more. Yeah, it's like it's, you know, Russian and Spanish. And then you're like, I know eight. You know what? Call that eight. Oh, and he says he used to speak Romanian, but then forgot when he had known to speak it with. But that's sort of like, he's just trying to add more and more on. Yeah, dude, I used to. I used to speak. fluent Swahili. Problem was I had no one else to speak with and I just fucking forgot the whole thing. I think I'm forgetting English, by the way. The gin himself

has forgotten more languages that I'll never learn. So, yeah, they're spray painting. This is our introduction to these bad boys. Sean Aston is spray painting. The name of the school is like the, what

is it? The Regis School. right oh boy and uh they they cross it out and he writes rejects oh this is exactly when i want them all to die a minute this happens i'm like all right shoot them all lame vandalism is you're you've had enough right there i guess i should be it's not it wasn't until i learned that they're all the fucking you know sons of corporate america that i was like the rejects my ass get the fuck out of here but that's what's kind of great about this movie though guys is once you realize that these kids are like rich-ass motherfuckers whose dads are all one-percenters, you're kind of like, all right, Andrew Devoff, like whatever, man.

Y'all, I'm rooting for whoever, you know. I'm just here to see some fun. I don't care what happens. Just somebody blows something up. Not only do they, not only, I'm going to stop you right there, Chris. Okay. I got to tell you something. Not only do they write rejects on this school sign.

They steal this, I guess it's a police officer. Yeah, a baton of the security. forces who they do have guns by the way yes they steal this baton and play keep away from this grown man while they while they paint this vandalism there where we know today they would be shot dead dude here's the thing this guy is the first one on campus to eat shit when the terrorists come and it's kind of sad because like he's seen twice once he's being fucked with by children. Uh-huh. And then the second time, he's like,

well, hey, you can't go in. And then he's just murdered. He's the saddest character in the movie. This poor guy who was just looking forward to his fucking ham and cheese on crustless white. And he just gets gunned down in the middle of this. Great. Great character development.

Yeah. And that's the thing is it's so like, because they're little rich boys, little white rich boys, they give him back his, his baton. And he's like, I'm going to get you guys some damn. And it's like, dude, no fucking way. Of course not. I just went to his IMDB page. He plays Frank the Guard in Toy Soldiers.

He's got two other acting roles only. And one of them is in Lincoln from 1988 starring Sam Waterson as Abraham Lincoln. I have something to find. Mary Tyler Moore is also in that movie. Does Mary Tyler Moore play Mary Todd Lincoln? Yes, she does. Ah, yes. I would suggest.

I would put it in front of the court, the WHM court. Miniseries, two episodes. That Frank the Guard, getting his revenge on these fucking kids and this being a horror movie would be better than this. Of course.

Yeah, I would love a nice guard movie. I want him to crack and just take out these kids. Well, here's what it is, Cabin. You can just pretend that Frank the Guard is Michael Myers in Halloween H-2O. Because that's a fucking horror movie set in private school. I'm liking it.

You get one crazy weekend. It's, it's Toy Soldiers 20 years later. They go back. The surviving cast goes back just to have like a fun weekend, reliving old times. But, uh-oh, it's on the very night Frank, the guard was murdered. Yep, I'm down. This school was also like a couple years after this, maybe even like two years after this, was the setting for major pain.

And I like to imagine that are in the same universe. And that was like the second launch was, the Major Payne era. Yeah, because you relaunched the school dude as a military academy, so there's fucking weaponry everywhere. Protect the school from further terrorism. William Hickey will not talk

about it, though. He's not going to tell it, major pain about what's going on. I was just going to say, I do love at the end of this movie, it's like, oh man, and like there's this implication that the school will continue. The school will absolutely not continue. No way, dude. No way. You're fucking clearing

all signs that this was a school. But the Camp Crystal Lake continued. That's a good point. I mean, it's going to take years to get the blood off the fucking walls. At the very least. And all the explosions that have happened? See, yeah, totally. Here's the thing.

At least during, like, the interim years, it's kind of like annually a haunted house around Halloween. I got it. Yeah, I think this is going to turn into like a Staples or a Holiday Inn Express. Right after it's a Spirit Halloween store. Yeah. Yep. Yep. So they're walking around and one of the, someone's like, hey, so-and-so,

Lukas Jr. wants to see you. This is Phil Donahue, the kid, the kid who exits the movie immediately. He's like, oh, cool, I'm in the, oh, I'm not in the movie. Was that a placeholder name? Because wasn't that a talk show host? Phil Donahue was a talk show host. I think that they must have cut the one joke where somebody makes that joke. You know what I mean?

Where someone's like, oh, Donahue, like the talk show. no not really egg i'm on imdb and for some reason phil is in quotes and donahue is there oh that's why because i think because the kid i think his last name was just donahue and they jokingly because this was 1991 phil donahue was it was like fucking everywhere dude phil donahue Oprah and fucking sally jessie raphael man that was afternoon talk show exactly you couldn't take a shit without looking at phil donahue just open up the toilet bowl he's there he's everywhere they should have they should have you know ponied up and gotten phil don't you to play this part.

Oh, yes. The part of the child? Yes, the child. Oh, yeah. Me and my rowdy friends there just spray painted the walls. What do you? Look at this. It's, uh, it's me.

I'm a 60-year-old man with huge classes. And here's my, my friends, four 15-year-old boys. Well, Billy, I guess the idea is that my dad needs me. My dad needs me to go visit him for a little bit. I'm sorry there, Joey. I got to go. Can't do what this weekend's prank on. gosh, a junior kiddies.

I like it. I like the answer. I love it. I think more old people should play young people because I'm one of the rare Clifford defenders, a big fan of Clifford. You know, Clifford was a movie I saw once as a child, and I guess I just didn't understand it. You need to be a little, a little smarter. Oh, yeah. As I mean, as we've said on this show, man, kids are stupid. I saw it in theaters, and that was one of the first times like, oh, movies are bad. sometimes kind of a thing.

That one was a real stinker. So the kids are, Sean Aston is Billy, he's the leader. You've got Will Wheaton playing Joey Joey Trotta, who is the son of a mob boss played by fucking Jerry Orbach, which you could use a little bit more.

Keith Coogan of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead End Adventures in Babysitting. Absolutely. You just see his full fucking dick. Almost. I mean, it's nestled in his tight and whities. You're talking about Keith Coogan's shorts here?

Yeah. Dude, that fucking dong was just begging to be freed on this set. It's fucking on display. Like, did I just order some versht here? Saying it nestled, like it's dumplings and stew. I was thinking,

that's a great analogy because then you could eat it, but I was thinking about like baby birds in there in the nest, you know? Well, because like, there are so many sequences in this movie where it's like a bunch of teenage boys,

hanging around in fucking banana hammocks, dude. And, like, there's a scene where it's like, what are we going to do about the terrorists? And his fucking dick is just in this purple banana hammock, like, let me out. Let me out. These are too tight. Because I mean, like, honestly, I'm like, yo, dude, let's have

the terrorist planning meeting. First, could everybody put some pants on? The terrorist planning meeting. I thought there was going to be something like the dicks are going to start talking or something. No, you know what? I really like that they never show the full thing. It's like, you don't want to show Jaws until the end. That's true.

You just want to, like, see the Finn sometimes. But, you know, I guess it is fine because it's like, okay, so this is a macho, like, action movie, and we've got these younger boys at a prep school. If it was a horror movie with young women, you'd be seeing their tops off. Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah. So we get to see a little bit of bottom off play here. A little something for the ladies, I guess.

Well, I think that's the thing, right? If you were, like, a 16, 17-year-old kid in 1991, a boy or a girl and you're trying to get another girl to come to see a movie with you and you really really wanted to see toy soldiers and it's like well hey there's a bunch of dudes and fucking skimpy underwear does that do anything for you i'm coming for the explosions and the fucking awesome kill shots and you're coming for the fucking banana hammocks hanging on for your life it's it's good that the trailers really did highlight the banana hammocks if you've seen it that The shorts prominently featured.

If by some off chance, someone listening had their sexual awakening during this movie, please write into the mailbag. We All Hate Movies at gmail.com. I want to know the circumstance. I am sure there is because, I mean, this movie is plastered all over cable television. And if you're looking for that banana hammock, you'll find it in this film. Late night hang with the bananas. Oh, wait.

Oh, wait. Is there Toy Soldier slash flick? Oh, my God. Great question. That's also the mailbag, everybody. I don't know. Cabin, I want you to ruin your search history right now. I'll get right on it. Quick little trivia tidbit here about this cast.

Do you know the cool connection between Keith Coogan and Sean Aston? No. Oh, yes, I do. Sean Aston is the son of John Aston, who is Gomez-Adams on the television show. And Keith Coogan is the grandson of fucking Jackie Coogan, who is Uncle Fester. Do you know the other fucking matchup? that is all over the trivia to this fucking movie. No.

There are five trivia facts on the Tribune, all just saying that Jerry Orbach and Mason Adams were both in FX. And that Jerry Orbach also played a mafia figure. Oh, you're right. There's like five different entries for this one stupid fact. Hey, and that's actually something else. We got another cast connect here. Mason Adams and Sean Astin both in,

popular Pauly Shore movies. Sean Ashton and Encino Man. And Mason Adams, I believe, was the grandfather and son-in-law. Yes. So you got that going for you. By the way, I just looked it up. There are a ton of slash fiction based on this film.

That sounds about right. Okay. Keith Coogan, by the way, playing, I mean, I've seen this movie 20 times as a kid, about five times as an adult. But his character name is Snuffy Bradbury. I've never heard that before. in this film.

Snuffy? Snuffy? Who's calling him snuffy? Anyone get snuffy? He's got asthma. He's got asthma, so that would make some sense. I was going to say, that sounds like the nickname of somebody who like snorts heroin off their knuckle.

I mean, yeah, how does that, what is the connection to asthma? Snuff, snuffles? I don't know. I just don't know what snuff he is. It makes, well, maybe he's a big fan of snuffelophagus from Snufs Street. Let me ask you something. Is the guy that hires Nick Cage in 8mmy named Snuffy? I think I found one where Billy and Joey are fucking.

Oh, great. You know what, dude? Just email that to anyone other than me. Find someone else and email it to them. All right. So this whole thing with... The boy with the cross-earing. Anyway, I'm going to leave this site.

There you go. Anyway... Bookmark it for later. I will. I'll check it out to know. So this fucking kid Donahue, okay, he's the fucking son of the judge for this Colombian drug lord case. And they're like, hey man, there's been lots of threats against your family. We got to take you into hiding for your own protection, blah, blah, blah.

So we're pulling you out of school. And Sean Aston and Will Wheaton are doing the like standing outside the door listening to them. But it's a crazy thing where Will Wheaton's like, oh, hey, like there's a window above the door, Sean Aston, like, lift me up so I can see what's going on. And will, do you notice is Will Wheaton is wearing, like, soccer cleats? And he just steps on Sean Astin's back. I was like, Jesus Christ. It's probably an Eric slash fiction, most likely. Oh, that's actually true. Check that out later. You're going to have to mend my wounds later. This is the crotchety dean played by Lou Gossett Jr. The great Luke Gossett, Jr. who's pretty good in this.

Now, is he like a head of security? And because there's a head man. as well, and that is Marcus Brody. Yeah, Dunholm, Elliot, the late grade. But yeah, I think he's just the dean. He's the guy, you know, is keeping the order kind of a thing. Well, I think that guy's more on like

the, also like with the academic side of things. Like I think Lucas Jr's deal is like he only is charged with like keeping the kids in order and stuff like that. Okay. I feel like Brody deals with like the donors. Yeah, glad-handed.

The father, like, whenever, like, they have to have a big, like, fundraiser, he's really heading up everything. Yeah, there's that. He's probably also dealing directly with the teachers. That's not really something Lou Gassad Jr. is doing. Fuddling drugs through the school. Absolutely. Lou Gass Jr. is like, well, help your friends pack. Because again, immediately, they are breaking his rules. And he's like, these kids. And I think he's a little too soft on this group. I'll be honest with you. And here's way. He's way too soft on this group. It's a big problem I had with this movie. This movie, I mean, I had to a good time with this movie, but it would be way better if Luke Asa Jr. was like a

disgruntled Vietnam veteran. Sure. Because for two reasons... Well, no, because for two reasons, I mean, maybe flashbacks, but, like, one, he would be way harder on Sean Ass and it would be fucking great. But then, two, like, at the end of the movie, he would be the dude breaking back into

campus to, like, help the kids. Way more than he actually does in this movie. I mean, that might be too close to his Iron Eagle franchise for his comfort. Was that already launched by now? By 91, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, Iron Eagle, huge. I mean, he's playing.

Stay tuned, by the way. Absolutely. He's playing cheerleader to Sean Ashton in this movie for the most part. Yeah, it's one of those, like, I don't want this student to fail. I'm giving him a bunch of tough love. It's a little bit more. It's like, I trust this guy to pull off something that the FBI would, you know, usually do. I definitely, I definitely trust him on that one.

Yeah, he's like, oh, he says at some point he's like, oh, I don't trust Billy to get to class on time, but I sure do trust him to fucking. lead an all-out assault on Colombian terrorists. I mean, dude, when you're up, shit's creek without a paddle, dude, like, I don't know. Counterpoint, if he loses, what have you really lost? That's kind of what I'm thinking, yeah. It's like, well, fuck it. Give it a shot.

So give it a shot, Sean Ashton. So that's like whatever. Donny who goes away. Billy has got a great idea. He's got, he's procured and made this mouthwash that is, that something that looks like mouthwash, but I guess it's vodka, crem de menth, and something else. Pepperment schnops.

So that it looks and smells like mouthwash, but it's actually... It's disgust. Just give me vodka with green food dye. Well, his whole thing is like, and that way your breath just smells like mint, which is dumb because you've ever consumed

any of those, like, the peppermint schnaps or a crem de menth. It's still just boozy. You just smell like your boozy grandmother. No, I just had it outtoyed. That's what I was doing. I wasn't drinking.

I was washing my mouth. Yeah, it's not like minty green winter fresh. It's more like menthol cigarette-y, you know what I mean? Exactly. I mean, which is why it is kind of funny because it's like the naivete of like teenagers and shit. Because like later when Lou Gassad Jr. immediately finds this shit and he takes a sip. Or I think he actually just takes a whiff and he's like, yeah, this is clearly alcohol.

you idiot kids. So he grabs all his boys together to hang out in this special area underneath the kitchen that becomes important later in the film. This is like storage room or whatever. This is the set of a Nickelodeon show. What the fuck is a school doing with like a fully furnished hidden room like this? It is also a really weird thing to gather your friends too, but maybe I was an outlier.

Maybe there were jerk parties and I wasn't invited. Yeah, I never was a fan of the jerk parties, guys. Lucas Jr. interrupts what would definitely turn into a jerk off party. Because he's got the drinks out. They're all like hanging out and like, well, what are we going to do, Billy? And Billy's got this cool,

he hacks into the phone line with this, like, whatever, this router, whatever the hell you ought to call it. And he calls a sex line. And what he does is he describes, it's a sexy lady voice named Jennifer. It's like,

what do you look like? And what he does is he gives this male character, traits of all the boys. So it's like, I have blonde hair like Keith Coogan. I've got, you know, I'm 5'10 like my friend Ricardo. I'm, you know, I've got an earring like Billy. And I'm, and did I tell you that I'm a strong black man? And then it's just like, I love long blonde hair and a black man.

Right. Oh, right. Yeah. Steve is the character name. You just want them to cut to the 56 year old smoking a cigarette on the other line, making the hurry it up gesture with their finger. Oh my God. I just randomly caught.

on Pluto TV, an episode of Beavis and Butthead where they call a sex line. Nice. And it's a, yeah, obviously it's, it's an obese woman living at home with all her family around her while she is smoking and doing this. I think she put, they're like, put the phone in your ass and she like sits on it for days. And they listen to it all night long. Yes, yes. Oh, God, I do remember that.

You know, by the way, I'm just, this is kind of a weird rabbit hole. but the woman who voices Jennifer the sex phone operator is a woman named Tracy Brooks Swope who's been in a couple movies here and there kind of some like special thanks is here and there but she used to be married to John Avildson Oh really? Yeah the director of the karate kid and Rocky.

That's right, that's right. Hollywood royalty. Hollywood royalty indeed. But they're like about they're like seconds away for pulling it out. Yes, exactly. That's the thing. That's the thing. You just, that starts off. You cut to Luke Gus Jr. grading papers and he notices one of the phone lines is on. And he over, he, he punches in and he hears it. And he runs down. By the time you get back, she's like really getting into it. She's talking about her nipples and everyone's like, uh, oh, eh. And it's like, I, you know what, guys, I'm good. They also start this whole thing about talking about correct etiquette to how to beat off when your roommates asleep, by the way. That's, that's right. Yeah, like, wait for you. your roommate to go to sleep before you're beaten off. Don't beat off when he's in the room. I sometimes pretend to sleep while you choke your chicken, that kind of stuff. And then someone else says, slap your monkey. There's a few, there's a few words to describe what they do at night. And none of them is like, hey man, why don't you just wait till you're taking a shower?

Exactly. Or like, or ask, how about I go and take a shower and then you jerk off? How about that? Yep. Exactly. Or just do the cabin method and jerk off as soon as they wake up in front of them when they get going all the boys know it I'm a fan of this method okay yeah it was very interesting living with you for a few years

so he like you know finds they see his flashlight coming and yeah they all kind of hide or whatever and then like Sean Aston gets caught and he's trying to do the like take the fall for everybody

but Lou Geza Jr. is not a stupid man and he's not having any of that and he makes all the kids fucking like come out and you know you make Sean ass and he's like you're gonna fucking take back all these booze you're gonna go because he's bragging about like I sold like eight bottles of booze

at like $35 a pop or something like that to various students and Lucasa Jr. Man humiliating move making this kid knock on all the doors being like excuse me can I have that alcohol back? But the move is just don't even tell him like oh no yeah you got it all man you got everything. Exactly.

He doesn't know because he doesn't think it's like you better not lie to me like i don't know i'll lie to you all the time i'm a fucking kid whatever how about that or yeah that was the only one i made see this is what how lewis goss junior knows he could trust uh billy here is is he tells that he buckles pretty easily yeah because he also goes like all right he's like you're doing this in front of me you're doing this with me it's humiliating let me just get it myself he's like you've got 10 minutes to bring all these bottles back to me and it's like i don't know i don't trust this fucking kid and i don't like you know what dude you know

dude, you're suspended. How about that? Let's start there with a real fucking real punishment here. Yeah, you're like locked in your dorm, you know what I mean, or something like that. All right, that's it. All of you, you're masturbating alone for the rest of the semester at least.

I hate to be a hard ass here, but no more jerk parties. Oh, come on. No, no. I said the last time, if I caught you down here again, it would be no jerk parties, and here we are. What if we have a chaperone? God. I guess, guys, we should shape up. Yeah, we have to shape up, don't we? Because we want to be jerking off with each other, right? I've told the story before, but I'll tell

it again. Now, I was at a friend's house. There was like six or seven dudes. Here we go. Me and another friend were there was like an all-star baseball on N64, underrated baseball game, by the way, kind of a tournament going on in one room. And then the people who lost the tournament would go into the TV room. And I, me and my where the last, we did really well. So we had this big, long games, like 25 minutes. Come out and everybody else in the quote unquote party was watching pornography, laying down with blankets on each over their, over their areas.

And it was very clear what was going on. No one was together. Everyone was separate. Right. But it was very clearly like, little late night bananas happening. Wait, this was the punishment for losing the tournament? All right. You struck out, say that.

Now go jerk off in the back room with everybody else. Well, that was the thing is me and my buddy kind of looked at each other. You're like, you know, I'd do a rematch again. Let's go do a rematch. I got the Atlanta Braves. I got the Yankees. That's it. And let that happen.

Was this like a sleepover scenario? I believe it was. I believe it was a longer kind of a night thing. And that was it turned into porn fairly quickly. And I was like, it was a real like, whatever you guys are done, let's watch a horror movie kind of a scenario. All those sticky. fingers all night long doing whatever. Oh yeah, I'm watching each

one of them wash their hands. I'm watching it. They're going in there and they're doing it. Are we doing this? I will. Okay. I recall a horrifying fucking memory of we, we a buddy had a party.

It was like one of the first ever like my parents are away and I'm having people over to my house party. Kid had like a huge house, a lot of people there and it was it was we were too young to pull off a fake ID situation just quite yet you know what I mean you so we weren't like chalking IDs and going to a convenience store so it was a you've got to like steal whatever booze is in your

parents house and shit so it was like just a real smorgas board of liquor really awful and we were just we were fucking hammered we were in 10th grade we were hammered at this kid's house and everybody was staying over And at one point in the evening, because there was always the one guy. There was always the one guy that was like, hey, man, watching pornography in public. And it was, this was the first time that this ever happened to me. And it immediately was like, I don't need to be watching pornography with a group of people. But this kid comes out and he's like, hey, man, found one of my dad's porno tapes.

And this dude's dad, no shit had like almost like floor to ceiling stack of VHS tapes in their closet. I saw the stack did not inspect the tapes. They were all like black caseless situation but this dude claimed they were all pornography. Anyway this dude puts on pornography and it's like all right this is really weird and a bunch of kids

this was late at night a bunch of kids start passing out at this point. I pass out watching pornography. I wake up and I remember specifically like opening my eyes and where I was looking was like at the television and some dudes fucking getting sucked off and I'm like

all right, the porno is still on. This is great. And you know the thing where, like, you open your eyes when you wake up? Not in the party area. No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was on screen, uh, dick sucking.

And so you wake up and like, you don't really move, but you just like become awake and open your eyes. And that's kind of what I was doing, looking at the television. And also I was like still drunk. Oh, what's going on? Where am I? And I'm looking.

I'm like, okay, pornography's still on. Some of the lights are out. Okay. And then I realize I'm like, why is the couch shaking? I kind of like turn just very carefully and a buddy of mine is next to me

just feverishly masturbating dude I'd be worried about like your couch having a little baby imagine explaining that to mom and dad my couch is pregnant and so I'm just I'm fucking laying on this couch I'm like this dude's just jerking and this guy

was like really jerking off. Really going for it. And the thing that was crazy was like, Steve, unlike your story, no one else was jerking off. Everybody was asleep. And this guy was like, speaking of everybody's asleep. The move is you got to go to the bathroom. You know what I mean? Like you take your mental imagery with you and then just enjoy yourself in the bathroom, clean up, but no one's the wiser. And the way that I, because I was like, I got to get out of this. I cannot have this dude finish while I'm fucking laying here like this is

you in the splash zone dude I would have been in the splash zone man you know I was at a fucking Gallagher front row man well I mean you don't I mean if this guy's the bear going at his dick like it's Decaprio like you don't know where it's going to go

exactly don't know really sick Academy Award winning film reference Chris also you know you're young there's a live wire you got there you can't control that you don't you don't a pilot yet you don't have a palm pilot seasoned that you don't have enough hours in exactly get back of that simulator asshole and so i'm laying there and again the other thing is i'm waking up while the jerk is in progress

so i have no idea how long the jerk's been going on which yeah i means i have no idea how long the jerk has left to go so i'm trying i'm trying to like fucking mcgyver my way out of this and i'm like What am I going to do? What am I going to do? And one of the guys was passed out, and he was snoring, total chainsaw situation. So I just yelled at this guy, you know, so-and-so, stop fucking snoring. And it scared the shit out of this kid. That pud came right out of his hand. He fucking jumped off the couch and, like, booked it to the bathroom.

And I was like, yeah, that's where you should have been in the first place. No, much like DiCaprio, he learned how to play dead. just let it happen did you just rewatch that recently I saw like a clip of it somewhere I forget Love it So whatever

Yeah and like you know Lou Gassett Jr. has a quick heart to heart Like you know if you get Expelled here what This is gonna be your fourth prep school In three years or whatever it is Right And it's like would you live with your father

Or your mother and it's like Oh divorce that explains it Kind of a thing Yeah oh that's why he kind of sucks So he gets pots and pans duty for the rest of the semester, which is a totally light, um, uh, sentence. And he comes back to Will Wheaton, Will Wheaton doing this accent, by the way. What are we doing? New Yorkie kind of accent over here kind of thing is like, oh, whoa, what

happened are you? Ah, geez, Will. And it's like, you're, you're, dude, you're Will Wheaton. It's terrible casting. I mean, you can't play Italian when you have the word wheat in your name. I mean, the other thing, too, is like, he doesn't have. to sound like that. I think they say something about like, because his father is Jerry Orbach and he's like the head of the Jersey Mafia. Sure. So like you could get away

with just not doing anything and nobody would notice. Yeah, you're just a suburban kid. And yet also, yeah, you don't have to be from the streets and or like certain kids rebel by suppressing their accents like I do every day. Right. It's very easy to do. But yeah, he's just doing this thing.

Oh, what happened? He's like, we're going to strike back. We're going to strike back hard. And the prank is you're going to move the headmaster, Delholm-Elliott stuff all out into the quad. And when they get caught here, it's just like, Lucas Jr. and Delholm-Elliot, like, wow, I'm really impressed with this. And, he goes to Del-Mell-Elliot, oh, try not to laugh. I'm like, no, this is, you have no control over this kid, dude. This is the problem. Yeah, but they are shit fucking school.

They're dying for people to come. That's why they have, I guess, so few visibly present. But also, these fucking kids have been kicked out of so many other schools. What are they going to do? They need their money. Brody is delighted that this has happened. He's about to do a dance. And of course he is, because as far as he knows, this is like a boys will be boys situation.

He's not aware about the jerk sting that Lou Gosser Jr. pulled last night. Because that's the audacity of it, right? It's like, you just got caught for this one thing. And then Sean Esson's like, we got a stretch. back and that moment in this movie made me turn on Sean Eston's character. I was like, no you fucking suck shit, dude.

You don't have to retaliate against anything. Let Will Wheaton go to sleep and shut up. By the way, because of what was interrupted last night, all of this stuff is just covered with the boy's seed. It's just fucking filth. I'm drinking off on Marcus Brody's desk.

I got the waistbasket. I'm thinking of Jennifer. Eek. in the drawers underneath the cushions yeah that's that's what happened was marcus brodie uh who we're just calling marcus brodie in this film uh del loveliant is uh was about to get his morning jerk briefing from lew gus junior he gives like it's a kind of a police blotter of like jerk reports that happened in the evening uh yeah we uh yeah uh three kids in the shower uh last night I heard

there was a false alarm in a B block of the dorms thought someone was jerking in the bathroom but kid was just throwing up and there's always a weird one like all blotters there's a weird one like kid found in the middle of the road jerking it

singing total eclipse of the heart fuck they got me on their blotter I'll have what he's having I had to kick in Tommy's door because I I thought it was a jerk session, but actually he said a ball with a paddle. And I was a, I kicked in the door, I thought there was a jerk session going on. It was actually two boys just consensually fucking.

So I had to close the door. What was I going to do? It's preschool, man. Got to figure that shit out. Told him, God bless you, fellas, and left. While this is all going on, by the way, we should mention that we do have an incredible cutscene to a truck driving. across the Mexico

U.S. border and it gets stopped by Border Patrol and they're like kicking out all of these folks trying to cross the border illegally and whatnot like get out of you and it's all these like tired adults and everything like that. And then from the back

of the truck comes Andrew DeVoff and his fucking gang of dudes and just assassinates these guys and it's one of those things where I was like this scene is so totally unnecessary but it's totally awesome. Oh, oh, oh, no, the border patrol.

Oh, no, oh, no. No fucking tears shed at the Juppenhouse Road, but I'm just saying, like, this movie is like an hour and 52 minutes, and if they wanted to, they could have cut that out and the movie would have still made sense. Sure.

But I appreciate them leaving it in. Yes, I agree. It's some violent kills. There's some great blood and violence in this movie, which is surprising. I'm sorry, the body count is 18, 18 die, 18 on-screen deaths. Amazing.

No, it's the death's legal. I think it's 18 more deaths than masterminds has. Are there any deaths in that movie? I don't believe so. Probably not. Because even Patrick Stewart makes that alive, right? I believe so, yeah. Yes, yes.

I think he has a golf cart collision or something. Oh, no. By the way, one of Divoff's dudes is Michael Champion, who is fantastic, not only in this, but you'll remember him from Total Recall as the heavy. under Michael Ironside and he is great in this movie. He's an excellent number two. Yes.

He's incredible in this. He's just got a great presence. He's got silver hair buzzed. He's got glasses. He is the guy. There's always one of these dudes in all of these terrorist organizations die hard down to this movie

where you're looking at one of the terrorists and you're like, how did you join this gang? And specifically in this case with Mr. Champion because we're basically led to believe that everyone else in this gang is Colombian. Yes. And then he's just like this nerdy white guy. It's kind of crazy that he's as tough as he is in this movie

because generally his kind of actor, if it's in a movie like this and he's part of the terrorist group, he's the computer guy. Yes. And they don't really have a computer guy in this gang. No, dude, because we're just fucking killing people. Exactly, which is again why this movie's kind of awesome. So the next morning, yeah, obviously like all.

that's going on and Lucas Jr. leaves camp is very important with all the bottles of mouthwash because he wants to like go to the sheriff and be like, who's still in my kids booze? The sheriff is mad because somebody sprayed rejects all over his car. Meanwhile, Andrew Divoff and again, like in any other movie that the security guard stops the terrorists and gets like a dart to his neck or gets clobbered and tied up. They just shoot this dude in the heart like three times. Well, it's incredible because they're like, I don't know if it's Devoff or one of the other guys are like, his champion is like, hey, get in this truck

and we're like driving up there. Like they tell him to come with him. They give him a chance. They have rules. And if they're followed, everything will work out. Exactly, dude. And this dude just tries to play hero. And it's like, here's my little security guard pistol versus, oh, what's that fucking six machine guns? Whoops.

Steve, it's really funny that you bring up the thing with the mouthwash and the sheriff. Like, that makes sense. What you just said, but I had it in my mind that, like, uh, uh, Lewis Gossi Jr. was trying to like unload

that for the, like, I thought he was doing like a justified scheme. Oh, he's trying to fucking sell him. He's like, I know your uncle runs the liquor store down there. Does he need like something for a miscellaneous bin? Like a little, like a kitsy Christmas present, like mouthwash. No, it's booze. I would buy that. If I was at the liquor store, you know,

I would be like, oh, it's fun for a change. Why not? I think it was just because it was so, like, secretive, the meeting. I was like, why don't you just say, like, tell me what? Did your fucking uncle sell this booze to them? Oh, man. So all the kids are eating breakfast. Michael Champion comes in. Again, this is a Michael Champion with a machine gun.

Raised it right at the ground, right at the sky, shoots really, for a really long time. And it rules. It's pretty great. And all these kids duck for cover. And this is like, you know, the C. of the school sort of montage here, not really, but there's an amazing part where some kid tries to run to a pay phone. Oh, yes. And some, like, one of the terrorists is like, oh, hey, get away from that phone and, like, turns the gun towards the kid. And then some teacher who

looks exactly like Kurt Vonnegut runs out of nowhere. It is like, hey, stop giving this kid trouble. And this dude shoots this guy right in the fucking head. Not only that. He hits him in the gut first. Then he goes down. Then he gets shot. he shoots the shit out of all the phone booths and that poor old man was just like um just here to see thornton melon he tries to help him with the paper dude yeah rodney should definitely have been in this movie man absolutely new english teacher oh whoa hey oh let me just say you boys are jerking off a little too much it's gonna fucking fall off i would love it if he was if he was devoff's father in the jail yes rodney

and they could do a thing like you don't see him at first and like when he's revealed in the jail cell it's like feet first and then it starts like going up and you're like those pants are kind of tacky wow this guy's got a big gut for a sexy Colombian drug drugstore oh it's Rodney Dangerfield yeah Roddy Dangerfield playing the role

from Caddy Shack it's a shared universe for some reason that would be pretty sweet I mean that guy would end up in federal prison for sure oh he definitely did hey there's no doubt about it hey it's definitely the best wine I've drank out of a toilet oh oh oh oh oh

so yeah they they take over and the whole thing is they are looking for this donahue kid that is why they're taking over this school because they're trying to do a little like you know we're going to take your kid hostage till you let my fucking father out of prison kind of a deal uh and denholm elliott is just like i guess he's just so polite and so gentle and so british that he's like no i swear to you the child is not on this campus and devoff is like well now what are we going to do this honest old man's telling me the truth. Well, no, he finds out that he is telling the truth. It's like, and

you know, again, Devoff, he's like, hey man, you told the truth. If you continue to do that, you have nothing to worry about for me. Again, I'm on DeVov's side here. He's just trying to do a business deal. Yeah, for sure. But this is, it's actually a really interesting way for the screenplay

to introduce you to all of these characters, all the boys, because you know, Devop's got like files on all of them. Yes. So it's like, oh, the Donahue kid isn't here. Okay, well, say, let's see what everybody else's daddy does. And kind of, they go through the laundry list. And it's like, you know, so, you know, so and so works at the White House.

So and so is, you know, one of a partner at a big law firm. One, one, uh, Keith Kugin's dad is a big banker who's also the vice chair of the RNC. Put a bullet in that kid. Yeah, seriously. Uh, you know, you have, um, the, uh, Sean Aston is his. His father is the third, he runs the third largest construction company in the world. In the world. World.

A little rich boy over here. Which means he owns at least two islands. Yeah. I mean, I'm just like, what does that even mean? Is he building towers in Dubai? That's what I would assume. Probably, yeah. Well, Barr, the, the Regis School got taken over.

What are we going to do here, Barr? Hey, Poppy, am I going back to school or what? Now, I'm glad you got expelled from the Regis School, son. You'd be in real trouble. See what's happening to all your friends here, son? That I've been taken hostage by a terrorist. Now, Jeb, you went to the Regis School. Do you want to tell me if there's any basement at the Ridge of School?

We're trying to get some boys in there. Oh, pop, are you talking about the jerk-off room? Oh, W. Oh, W. W. We used to call it the wood shed. Don't be so vulgar. Oh, brilliant.

I do love the one George Perez's character This dude Ricardo Montoya You know he goes up Devoff goes up to this dude And he's like oh hey Montoya hey you speak a little Spanish And the kid's like no not really

And then Devoff turns around And says in Spanish shoot him in the head And the kid's like no wait And it's kind of a great I thought you said you did And it's a teaching moment right here Because he's like again You just have to tell me the truth And he fucking waxed this kid in the leg with his gun.

I mean, tell them the truth, obviously. I mean, what are you even fucking around for? Number two, get on their good side. Number three, maybe join up. Yeah, sure. You know? Yeah, you hate your father. Come on.

Exactly. Profit off of this terrorist attack. I'm missing at least one of these kids pissing and shitting themselves. Oh, my God, for sure. There's got to be at least one. That's a good call, Chris. No one in this movie is a total coward. Like, you know what it would really be.

be like, right? The real thing would be like the shining elevators, but it's full of piss and shit. That's what it would really be like if this situation's happening. We have to all right, give everyone 10 minutes to take a shower and get changed.

We'll clean this up. No, don't you don't touch it. We're the terrorists. We'll take care of it. We got it. We got it. I am trying to be as clear as I possibly can be. I'm not going to hurt you as long as you tell the truth. I do not understand why so many of you, little liars are pissing and shitting all over the floor.

This is the easiest hostage situation ever. Just don't lie to me. The little liars. All right. Release all the faculty, but not the janitors. Seriously, we need at least three to four janitors. We need more janitors. Call them in. Okay, no way.

You are no longer a history teacher. You are now a janitor. This could get sticky really quickly if we don't clean it up right now. Also, also, burn all the asparagus. I have to friendly request one more time. Boys, please stop jerking off. I can hear it, I can smell it, most importantly. Oh, smell it.

It smells like a fucking swimming pool in this place. It is disgusting. It smells like one of those trees. You know, the trees with the little flowers that they smell. Yes. Oh, cum trees. Yes. Of course.

So, uh, we get to the biggest asshole in the movie. Oh, the sheriff, dude. Dude, this sheriff is a fucking idiot, man. This guy rolls up and Lugasa Jr. is like, hey, there's definitely a group of terrorists in my school. I think we should call the FBI. And this fucking po-dunk idiot is like, no, no, I deal with this kind of stuff all the time. Let me take care of it. And they fucking start driving the car up and the dudes like on the, like, a little horn in the car.

the little radio or whatever like you know don't shoot I'm unarmed I'm just coming to talk and I want you know I want to figure out what you want and they immediately lay siege to this car it's like the sheriff and then another dude who's in the backseat which is weird they both

like jump out of the car and run away and this is it gets this is one of the most canon moments in the movie it's like we have laid waste to this police car with these huge machine guns there's like nothing left for this car but uh oh we want to make sure this car's really dead

because it's rocket launcher time fantastic and also like I was shocked that the sheriff doesn't get it this is the movie where the sheriff gets it but he didn't get it definitely he should not be able to get the fucking door open or something oh these electric locks no

yep or at the very least he opens the door and he's getting out of the car when the rocket hits it and he just gets engulfed in flames and neither or so yeah they give their do I kind of like her Delholm Elliott, like, is the hype man for a second because he's, like, giving the demands for Devovoff, and Devovoff takes the phone. It's like, and now the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy, Louis Callie.

You're totally right. I think he... About to drop some fucking hot knowledge on you about his demands, Louis Callie. I think he does that because he's like, he's not happy with Denholm Elliott's high performance. No, you're doing it all wrong. No, I'll fine. I'll just do it to myself. So he says, yeah, if one the rules are, if one kid goes

missing, five kids will be executed, which rules? And if two kids go missing, he makes the number jump quite a bit for the second one. He doubles it. Is it just doubling? I thought it was more. No, no, one, you know, one missing kid equals five dead kids.

And that just goes up and up. I see. Either way, it's pretty awesome. You should get a discount at three, I think. Get it like, it's all right, it's, it's 12 for three, okay? A discount for murdering? How does, how does this work? A what? A discount

for murder? No, yeah, yeah, you just, it's a group rate, you know what I mean? You just want to make sure, yeah, like, yeah, the amount of bullets, you don't want to waste that many bullets anyway. I guess that's fair. You know what you, I mean, stomp one of these kids' skulls in, that's a good way to conserve some money. Or some knife play.

Knife is good. You know who doesn't need to be in this movie, though? I was just thinking about this recently. I saw him in something else, and it was annoying. R. Lee, Ermi. Just like,

it kind of sucks that that dude was a thing after full metal jacket. He's fun. I love him. I mean, but the problem is, is that, like,

he is useless here. Like, he's a big spice. Like, don't just throw him into this and have him be the secondary guy. I guess that's, I guess that's what I'm saying,

though, Chris, because I recently, like a few days ago, I rewatch the Frighteners. And he's in that in a fucking dumb-ass role is like the, the drill,

sergeant of the graveyard and I'm like I don't fucking care I thought that was pretty funny when I saw it right there I think he's like he's good in seven um oh okay see because in seven he's not doing full metal jacket exactly that's all he is like he came from the military and then he just happened to get into act so I mean I understand why people cast him because he actually does have that air about him but it is kind of great here though because he's not doing a drill sergeant he's just a military dude and it is kind of dialed back well because it's he's number two to the guy from a house guest who loses his teeth on that's where he's gone of course thank you it was killing me it was absolutely killing me last night you're talking about the guy from son-in-law

yeah yes the FBI guy and like yeah exactly there's too many cooks in that kitchen wherein like you kind of don't care at when when it's early army because he doesn't actually do anything well and it's a weird I'm trying to understand, and I think I have it right, like, there's one of the kids' dads who's, like, in with the White House and, like, has a direct line to the president, like, gets approval to send Arlie Erme there. Because there's a weird thing where it's, like,

eventually, like, okay, I understand, like, it's a hostage situation at a school. Absolutely serious thing. But there's, they start mentioning the president in this movie, and it's like, and then, all right, if this escalates to this, we're going to have to get approval directly from the president and I'm like

the fuck does the president care about this is it a slow day but it's only because there's a little rich boy in the school who's fucking daddy that's all anything that's how our entire society is structured it's insane but it's also just insane

that it's like this movie which is set in one single location you know what I mean it's not like a globe trotting whatever they're like and oh when the president hears about this and I'm like all right I guess the president's Mr. President, there was

an assault on a school and they're holding them, well, you're going to have to just nuke that school then. Oh, actually, Tom's kid is, oh, my, oh, all right, all right, let's negotiate. Send me an Arly Army bar. There is a brief White House Press conference where

the press secretary says that they're not going to negotiate with terrorists because then if we give it on this demand, we'll have to give it on others or whatever. Yes, and that's the other. Well, she's doing the, you know, the America doesn't negotiate with terrorists. But it's fucking hilarious because that's another moment in the movie where I'm like,

how is this national news so fast like this? I just did not buy the whole presidential angle to this movie. Well, if a Columbine happened, I mean, I'm sure the president is aware. I'm sure there was a mention of it at the White House briefing. Yeah, that's the thing, Andrew. You're confusing this because now machine guns, semi-automatic machine guns in high school is a fairly common occurrence. Back to the early, in 1991, this is a bit. unprecedented. You're totally right. I'm just thinking about the fact that our elected officials

don't give a flying fuck about that anymore. You're exactly right. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm watching this movie in a 2020 lens and that's very foolish. I forgot that politicians do not give a fuck that we're just being mowed down by machine guns in this country. I forgot about that. FBI gets involved at this point. Grandfather from son-in-law kind of takes over in sort of in tandem like Arlie Armi's whole thing is like well I can help you out but I'm really only helping you out so

far yeah it's like I'm helping you move but I'm not going to touch the refrigerator kind of a thing like yep exactly refrigerators couches it's all out I'm here for bookboxes only son wow actually bookboxes only is also pretty generous

yeah that's actually true those are heavy as fuck but so all the boys get put into one room with these two other kids. One is yogurt, which is a great name on that kid. And Yogurt's friend. Yeah, Yogurt's friend who has, if I'm counting correctly, zero lines in this movie.

I just put yogurt in the room. It's fine. I don't need another kid. Also, like, keep these fucking kids in this one room. You know, take them one by one to go piss and shit, you know, with an armed guard. The fact that they just open up the campus again and say, yeah, yeah, go outside, have fun. It's crazy that these terrorists are like, all right, you guys get to, you get to sleep in these rooms. You have recess still.

You're taking gym class, I guess. This is where I kind of get pissed off when anybody's like, this is like die hard in a fucking military school. Because I'm like, imagine if you did die hard, but everybody on the ground floor still had to do their jobs while the terrorist thing was happening. Those reports aren't going to write themselves, Chris. It would bore the tears off. Like, it's just, it's so insane that this keeps on happening. So the kids are all, you know, they're all crammed into one room and like, Sean asks, like, well, we're going to do something, right? And I'm like, well, no, we're not because those are fucking machine guns.

And I don't want to, A, get myself killed or B, get everyone else killed. He also has a bomb that is strapped to his hand. And if he pushes a button, the school explodes. Oh, that's right. They've wired the entire campus to blow up. Yes. If anything goes south. Although, you know, while all this is being talked about, the most unbelievable thing in this, uh,

scene is that Will Wheaton is wearing a Bob Marley t-shirt. For sure. And in Will Wheaton's very tough version of himself. And I think that he took this role to like kind of kill the Wesley Crusher bit. You know what I mean? Like big time. Because he's the one that says fuck like a thousand times

in the script. They probably offered him Keith Coogan's role. And he's like, no, I'm not going to do it unless I'm the tough kid. Like, all right, I guess so. You can definitely tell that this guy has smoked a whole bag of oregano. And he's like, What do we grab one of the machine guns and shred these fuckers?

There is a Keith Coogan thing where he like, he, because they're arguing about whether or not they're going to strike back or something. And Keith Coogan basically like makes fun of Will Wheaton for his dad being in the mafia and Will Wheaton like freaks out on him. Yeah. Kind of a funny moment right here. No, you fucking talk shit about my dad. Listen, I'm your buddy, okay? I can call you a wop if I want to. And I'm like, well, no, you can't.

That's not how that works, actually. It is kind of funny because Will Wheaton's like, can you please not call me that, by the way? And then, like, Keith Coogan's like, all right, what if I called you an asshole? Oh, yeah, asshole. It's fucking funny. So you call me an asso. Oh, and what is it? Is it Willeyton or Keith Coogan who are drawing these super photo realistic?

Oh, that's Will Whiten. Yeah. It's insane. It's every single terrorist's face and like they put together this whole booklet and including like here's where they're stationed there on this tower here and down here. They don't know about the jerk room yet, though. We're not going to tell them about the jerk room, but everything else is in this dossier that we've compiled. Ignore this.

This is a, this is a ranking of who's the best jerker of the group. I'm sorry, just ignore this one. Everything else is very pertinent. Okay. Well, all right. I'm looking. Yeah. So that's, oh, that's Andrew Devoff.

That's Michael Champion's shit. Is this Colossus? Oh, shit, that's for my portfolio. Hold on. Hold on a second. We have Colossus is in the school. This has gotten a lot harder than we expected. Everyone needs to keep their eyes open.

And Superman is fighting a predator in the school. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Does anybody have Magneto's phone number? Does anybody have to know how to get in hold of him? Judging by these children's very accurate dossier that they've compiled, apparently, Jessica Rabbit is nude on campus somewhere. I repeat, Jessica Rabbit is nude on campus.

Well, yeah, I'm not worried about Jessica Rabbit. I'm more worried about this tentacle monster that's chasing her. I can't do it, Barr. I'm sorry, but we can't release Magneto from the plastic prison. You stay in there, Magnita. You should have killed me when you had the chance, George. You should have helped us with Noriega. Bad mood, my brother.

Yeah, we sent him down there, take care of Noriega. He turned the music up. I guess it is what eventually got Noriega. Yeah. Yeah, so that's their plan. It's like, all right, we're not going to attack these guys, because that'd be silly. But let's get a full dossier on where they are,

what equipment they have. And this is another fun montage. You get Sean Aston spitting on sandwiches. That's something. Can I say one of my favorite shots in this whole movie is, so Mason Adams calls like a press conference, like a PTA conference. And like there's all these, so he's saying like, this is what's happening, you know, Andrew Devoff is taken over. And they go to a shot of Jerry Orbach. And it's like he's about to scratch the fucking like chalkboard.

Yes. Like it's very like he's about to like stop this whole thing and be like, look, I'm just going to get my boys to shoot him. and here's the thing if you have this movie turn into Jersey Mafia v. Colombian terrorists that are holy shit

that's a canon cut that's the one you want that's the canon movie that you wanted out of this and you get like the briefest of tastes of what that movie

would be like in one scene of this movie and it is kind of the greatest part of this movie yes it's really good The mafia gets directly involved, which we will get to. So the whole thing is we got to take this dossier. We've got to figure out a way in which Sean Aston can race off campus to find the dudes who are like, you know, the outsets of the property to give them this information and then race back before they have to get back in the building for headcount.

And that's our next like video game stage kind of thing. And it's, you know, it's pretty interesting. They are organized enough and how they're doing it and so on. Basically, yogurt has this big, he has this enormous flyer plane or radio flyer plane that's remote control. And like, again, like these fucking Mickey Mouse terror, they're not Mickey Mouse, they're killing everybody. But again, like, no one's allowed to fly their plane guys. Like, fucking gym class is canceled. We are not, I'm not, because like, everyone's like, huh?

What is this? And they turned into teachers like, you know what? Now it's mine until the end of the semester. Let's go to your plane? It's going in my office. Sorry. No, it's mine. I have a plane now. No planes? Well, the next thing you're going to say that we have to close the pool. Any way you want it. That's the way it.

Then Rodney comes back. They use the play to distract the guards while Sean acid whisks away. Out of curiosity, because I don't want to miss it. When does Delholm-Ele get whipped in the eye with a fucking wire? Get whipped in the eye with a wire? Or he's got the, he's got the control. He's got the, he's got a cordless phone with a long, like, rubbery, Gordon, he whips in the eye with it.

It's really good. Oh, man. I missed it. I don't remember that. Oh, damn it. I think you're thinking at Indiana Jones, dude. There's a whip in that movie, Steve. Gets whipped right in the eye. Marcus Brody, he's fucking blind. Got lost in his own museum because he has no eye. While this is all happening, Brody is like making, dumb old L.A. is making phone calls to Indiana Jones.

You have to help me. You have to help me. The school I work at now has been taken over by Colombian terrorists. If only he took that teaching position here. Oh, Indy, I do wish you were here with me. Indy, it's pretty bad. You'd be able to give it in the old one, two. I traveled through time 60 years to be the headmaster of this school and remain alive. You've been dead a long time, Indiana Jones.

So he gets out there. He gets the shit to the army and he sees Lucasa Jr. And like this army dude is refused. to let him, Sean Aston, like, run back to the school because they're like, no, no, no, now you're here, you're going to get yourself killed going back in there. You've got to talk to my superior. And this, that, the other thing, he's, like, trying to explain that he has to get back, you know, before a certain time because they're doing this headcount. And, like, I feel like if you're in this situation where this kid, like, crosses enemy lines or whatever you want to call it, to, like, give you information. Then he's like, I have to get back, or they're going to start murdering people. You got to let that kid go. You know, for better or worse, if that's on the table, you've got to let that kid go immediately. And that's kind of like what Lucas Jr. comes over. And the guy is like, you trust this kid to get back there. And it's like, if he doesn't, okay, but if he does, then kids won't get murdered.

I'm not sure if we should believe him. Hmm. He could just be making all this up. He rushes back. He falls in the water and this is how he pretends it because they're doing this headcount. By the way, I think, I feel like a head count shouldn't be hourly. That just seems really like too much work. Well, especially for 92 Pia, suppose.

It should be like dinner call or something. Exactly. You're just giving yourself too much. And also, like, the way you don't have to do a headcount quite so much is if you fucking keep an eye on these kids. If art class is canceled, you don't have to worry about this shit. One problem with this scene I have is like, even though it's like, it actually works in building suspense because like the tower guards are looking around.

Right. And he has to run back at a certain time. I think a helicopter comes and distracts them. Well, Keith Coogan also sets the fire alarm off. Oh, yes, with a cigarette and a matchbook or something. Yeah. Yeah. But then, like, he finally, he's getting back.

But we've already had the head count, and they've done it multiple times. And they're like, oh, no, it's still 91. Well, I guess we're do it again. Yeah, that's obnoxious dude. You're totally right because, like, they cut back. and the Michael Champion is like, oh, hey, Dvoff, it's

91 again. So that's the first we encounter this head count, which means they've already done it at least one other time. And then DeVoff is like, do it again. And then he makes him do it. Like, four head counts? Fuck you. Start killing people. We should be at the point where it's like one student

gets shot in the head right as Sean Astin bumbles his way in. Oopsie. Well, Denholm-Ele-Lilliet is the first one up against the wall by the way. They're about to do it. They're like, all right, well, that's it. And this is the great Devoff light of, do you think I was kidding? And he like starts to put people against the wall, including Denholm

Elliot, and I want him to die. Yeah, why not this? I mean, there is a decent body count, but it could always be higher. Oh, of course. I'm honestly surprised that both Lou Gassar Jr. and Denholm Elliott make it out of this movie alive. Yeah. Especially Denholm Elliott. Like, you, he just comes

across as like an expendable character he should be holding a grenade or something and sacrifice himself puts it in his teeth there's only one kid death and it is glorious oh yeah yeah I was expecting at least one more to eat it

at the end of this it's a you know you know Devoff has he's cornered Denholm Elliot he's like well I guess you're mistaken because class is cancelled and he shows them the grenade without the pin oh fuck yeah dude oh or or he cuts his head off and he's like that's why they called me the headmaster

oh shit he's got some sword for every dude if that happened that hope opens up a whole denholm elliot franchise called the headmaster that would be amazing fuck this is this old brit going around the world killing people with his sword like he got a taste for it in this conflict and suddenly he's like no no no i'll be the headmaster at the most dangerous part of the world or whatever exactly oh on his way back so the whole thing about like he falls he like goes through a sewer

thing and he falls and gets all wet and he gets back into the school and he's used a towel to prop a window open and this you get some nudity right here there's some Sean Aston butt cheeks going on and it's kind of a really smart thinking on his feet like he takes all his clothes off wraps the towel around himself

and runs to the room where they're doing the headcount like the cafeteria or whatever and he's like oh I'm sorry I was in the shower and I didn't hear the bell. Pretty, pretty at least decent way to, like, cover what you were doing. It doesn't help them out in the long run. Absolutely. It is smart.

And it's a smart thing on your feet thing. But at the same time, we're letting people shower whatever they want. Exactly. Mid-afternoon shower. Michael Champion, smelly spalls. I bet they smell still. Well, Michael Champion touches his head. He is wet, sir.

It's like, well, I get it. Dude, thank you. But I thought, cool, because there's a thing where right after that devoff is like, okay, very good. Come with me. And I thought they were going to go inspect the bathroom. Like, show me what shower you were using. You know, above your age, forgetting to wash his balls? I think not. Yeah, but to your point, Eric, yes. Showering is definitely a thing that happens once in the morning and that is it. Or even not at all. Like, you know what? Dude, we're just going to smell for a little while. I guess if gym class is back. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe there are afternoon. showers. But again, like, people are throwing frisbys in the quad. I'm like, frisbys aren't allowed if those fucking hit a bazooka were all in trouble. That's the thing.

They're all having better time in this scenario than I've had all year. You're not wrong, and I think the thing is, like, the frisbee for me was one thing too far. Because, like, if you want to have people outside, like, okay, like, just sit in the quad,

you know, because again, they aren't trying to stress. Even though we're terrorists, we have a very specific thing, to fuck over all your fathers. We don't want to, don't make us do this. But like, don't push that. Don't play Frisbee. I'm very strong agree.

I would have preferred if Collie had, like, sent out one of his operatives to get Donahue back. Oh, yeah. That would be something. A second mission, rather than this horse shit, like doing relay races and goddamn reading about Teddy Roosevelt in the garden. That's the thing, Kevin. And that's the other thing that it's like, you've got to be kidding me.

Because, like, your school is under siege from terrorists. Okay. You're outside in the quad. Okay. You kids want to play Frisbee? Eh, a little irresponsible. The terrorists shouldn't let you do that. But Denholm, Elliot, attempting to teach class while this is going on.

That is the biggest see you later teach. I don't think so. Exactly. Suck my shit, old man. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. That dude's got a machine gun and can kill me at anything. second i'm not learning anything else by the way this school is over with your job is over with

even if we get out of this i mean if i'm forced to teach in that situation i'm going to go real like i'm going to be like so are you all ready to die have you all made your peace with you know life because we're probably going to die that sounds like teachers now that's true uh so uh to punish uh um to punish sean ashton he gets whipped in the back with this weird wire thing yeah that's something huh that's something for somebody man this like you you kind of find out that he was whipped with that thing like afterwards right because i was like oh my god he's spanking him he's spanking him oh you thought that was spanking no because he makes him because he's got the shirt off you know well that's just a hot spanking

maybe that's in some of you slash fiction dude you should definitely is um yeah so they're like cleaning his wounds later and it's like oh man this is really bad at some point uh you get jerry Orbach going to his number two, like, listen, my kid ain't going to die with a bunch of fucking Enron employees, so it's all right? Not going to happen. So he's like, we know Louis, we know his father, right? We've done business before. Go talk to him and get a message that my kid gets to go free.

Right. And you see that. And there's this weird code system, blah, blah, blah. You do get to see the prison for a second. It's pretty fun. Yeah. you know it's like he says the devoff's father is like get this message to my son

and it's like some coded number thing and then it's like okay look they call Will Wheaton in you know and he's like we're letting you go and he's like what why and he's like well you know because me and my guys we respect what your father does and Will Wheaton I think this part of the screenplay right here

especially was like oh this will get me way far away from Wesley Crusher. He just goes, fuck my father and fuck you. Oh, yeah, dude. Bad ass, dude. And like here, so like the idea is, he's like, all right, give off laughs and I was like, I don't know, fuck you, you're Wesley Crusher.

So he's like, he's like, escort him off the premises. And it's just one guy. And I'm sorry, dude, if you're a terrorist and you get jumped by Will Wheaton, you're you are off the squad, man. Yeah, you got a hand in your terrorism badge, dude. You have to bring back

Sepaku for. that like just gotta do like that's too much shame. That's I can't do that. He like knees him and then elbows him and takes his machine gun and it's like dude you cannot let that happen you can't let it happen at all it's embarrassing and the thing also Will Wheaton's

character here he needs to fucking put two in the head with this guy. Yes at least one less terrorist. Also like he walks outside with this gun dude go turn around the head dude is right there shoots Divkoff give off start there dude yeah

But he goes out and, like, it's kind of, I mean, it's hilarious, but it is, it's, he like tries to shoot this one guy, but like, obviously he's never shot a machine gun, so the gun just goes in the air, which is kind of hilarious. Dude, it is, it is so fucking funny, man. I mean, he loses control of this weapon, like he's a goddamn cartoon character with a Tommy gun. I mean, he, like, fires it at the ground and he launches himself up into the sky. It's fucking hilarious. I'm genuinely shocked he didn't take out a few Frisbee players in the middle of all of this. Because everybody's out in the quad And he comes out with this machine gun

Oh no, Chad got shot Oh no And they shot him right through the B But no Will Wheaton gets lit up by this terrorist I got to tell you fellas Everywhere I did not see this coming

I really did not expect to see Will Wheaton's chest explode On my television I forgot what a death I forgot about it from the last time I saw it. And I, you just cut to the Howard Ratner scene after he wins the bet. That's me.

That was me after watching this. Like, if anyone finds themselves in this scenario, by the way, just go. Just leave. Oh, of course. Yeah. You're doing your friends a favor, like, by not starting trouble. First of all, they're not going to be your friends in a few years. You'll never talk to them or see them again in your life.

Right. Second of all, you might as well join the mafia. It's a lucrative career. You know what I mean? Your dad's going to, you're going to get a good position. You'll have to intern a little bit, you know. You know, and it's really honest work at the end of the day. You know, they're just trying, they're looking out for each other, protecting their neighborhoods and their families. Trying to just earn for their family in the community, exactly.

You're a capo by 30, and that's really good. You know what I mean? You're the son of the fucking Don, dude. It's fucking easy street. Well, this is... Look at AJ Soprano. Well, this is why he died. It's because he didn't respect what he had, you know, honestly.

You know, not enough young people respect. their parents' criminal enterprises. That's for sure. What the work they've done for them, honestly. Seriously, you're right, Chris. I think about the roof that was put over this kid's head. Think about this nice little school he got to go to. Absolutely.

Probably a lot of good Italian food over the years, I imagine. No doubt about it. You're in a fucking Artie Bucco's restaurant every fucking night? This kid had the world and threw it away. Exactly. AJ Soprano had no fucking Zidi at his birthday. I bet you, me, Joey Tretto, definitely. Definitely had Zidi at his fucking birthday.

Oh, no doubt about it. Here's what I don't understand about div up. So he immediately calls Lou Gossett Jr. or the FBI. I was like, listen, you have to collect this kid's body, but I want you to know this was an accident. It didn't happen. Blah, blah, blah. It wasn't on purpose. The move is you don't tell anybody.

It's just like, oh, yeah, no, actually I can't release any hostages. But I respect you, Mr. Mafia, man. But your son's totally alive. Yeah, I'm totally alive. Yep, you heard him right there, right? You're totally right, Steve. but I thought what you were about to point out is the fact that DeVov

does not murder this guy that let Will Wheaton steal his gun because there's a part where DeVov comes up and he's like looking around like as if to say like the fuck happened here. Jesus. And it's like oh he stole my gun boss

and blah blah blah. Then he needs to be like oh really? Well do you know who that kid's dad is and then just murders this guy. Looks like this bullet stole your brains, pal. I mean, it, it, by faith, the funniest scene in the whole movie is when Divot, when they're getting the, Joey's body. Yeah. And Divop is explaining like, yeah, I want it to be very clear.

This was a mistake. This, I do not want to, like, imagine, King of Hell himself, George H.W. Bush is on your ass for sure. And you are more scared about Jerry fucking Orbach and what he can do. But also, like, at this point, you got this whole. school on you know on lock and key just fucking keep quiet till it's over let's find this body in the jerk off room tomorrow but and by then you're in tijuana and nobody cares you know what i mean nobody can find you you got a different name also if they were really hard ass fucking pipe hit and terrorists dude they would fucking dissolve that body and

yeah somehow and it's oh i don't know he fucking ran away beat it to the students oh right it's in the fucking gumbo that sean has we're having sloppy joey today my friend I guess you could say We ate Joey And he's in our stomachs right now It would be his most critically acclaimed role R-O-L-L by the way Oh fuck dude

Yeah He just put that little Will Wheaton in some fucking Sushi Rice and Seaweed The Will Roll Yeah He does all that And then Cali like puts the cross earring on snuffy

And it's like This is your son right Yeah, yeah, we saved him. I also alternate bit here is he gets lit up his machine gun. Computer and simulation. All right, Will, that was your turn to shoot, Wesley. It's my turn now.

Give me the machine gun. Run toy soldiers scene 36 again. Now, Nikki the nose will be victorious. Beverly's behind him, like, you already went twice. All right, Beverly. You get to be Andrew Diverley. this time fucking data the hologram of natasha yarr whoopey goldberg's there just imagine this movie was just exactly the same but we just see fucking patrick stewart as a guard

randomly or data walks by in the background dude it would be fucking hilarious there's just wharf in the background as a terrorist he likes the spit on the sandwich excellent sandwiches i like them soggy The sogier, the better these sandwiches are. All right, Mr. Woff, we'll run Toy Soldiers Protocol, but you cannot use your backlet to kill Wesley. Yes, that was a joke I was trying to get in. I'm glad somebody got it.

You'll have to use the submachine gun. Sorry. Oh, God damn it. So there's actually, this movie, you know, clearly from the amount I'm gushing about it, I had a lot of fun with this movie. But there is actually, it's like kind of, as far as filmmaking, goes it's kind of like a basic bitch movie. Except there's one moment

where the fucking one mafia guy like goes to the, they tell all the parents to stay at like a motel that's like close to the school and there's a moment where this guy has to come tell Jerry Orbach what happened and there's this excellent shot

of Jerry Orbach getting the news but all you see is his silhouette on the wall. Oh yeah, it's pretty cool. He stands up and the silhouette just gets bigger and then the camera kind of like pans and orbach comes into frame and it's like oh man here comes the fucking retaliation in some way i don't know how it's going to come but it's it's such a great shot and they're like yeah he said it was an accident he's like accident we don't have

accidents because yeah the mafia isn't going to believe that dude come on the mafia is the king of oh he must have fallen like of course they don't believe in accidents so uh we cut to everyone's favorite scene or it's a really good one it's great it's great. They cause a prison, and also, like, I'm sorry, if the president is wired into this situation with this high, high profile terrorist guy that is being bartered for whatever, he's in protective custody. He's far away from anyone else. He's not just C block cool at his heels. Dude, they left him in fucking Oz. It's crazy. Yeah, I mean, this is supposed to be like an L. Chapo-esque figure, right? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He should at least have the kind of like

John Boynton runaway train like off the beaten path you have to like open three doors to get to him precisely. Yep exactly he's not being like escorted through Jen Pop yeah there's

they cause a prison riot and some guy fucking slits his throat and there are so many great people falling from things in this in this movie which I love it's an all-star cast you got the lady in the beginning obviously the aforementioned judge

we spent 20 minutes on and this is a good I mean, this is a dummy situation, but I love it. It's fucking great. And the thing about it is, and this is why, like, ha-ha terrorists, now you're dealing with the fucking mafia here. Because it's a prison riot, but it's a guard-controlled prison riot. Because there's a dude, there's like a fucking corrections officer that's like,

oh, what's that? Now? Got it. And he pulls a lever and all the cell doors on the block open? And all these dudes are running out, cause it all this havoc. And it's just, yeah, one of, like, the guards, bring this dude in front of one of the cells, the door opens, the guy

walks out and just cuts this dude's throat. It's great. Incredible. Incredible. And then everyone throws like flaming toilet paper all over, which always rules in prison riots. Absolutely. Actually, the move should have been, it would have been way fucking cool if they were like, all right, that's it, we got him. And then

all the prisoners at once, like, stopped and went back into their cells and the dude closed the door. That would be badass, man. Just the real the grip of the mafia. They transferred this drug kingpin from Columbia to the mafia wing of the

When he should have actually been in Magneto's prison Yeah, exactly The plastic prison of Magneto So this is kind of the last act of this movie now The military is going to move in Because they know now that the second he finds out That his dad is dead He's going to go apesit, no one knows it's going to happen

So we got to do our strike They try to get Sean Aston They're like, hey, can your kid do what he says he's going to do? and Lou Goss's Jr. does have that line of like, I don't trust him to get the class, but I trust him to do this, which is like insane. Insane.

It's totally insane. Also, he's in a bit of a rut right here because his best buddy got his fucking chest blown out. Yes. And what I also think you finally realized the reality of the situation is like, these people aren't fucking around. You know what I mean?

Like, if we fuck with them, we will get shot and murdered. Yeah, exactly. So the army, like, sends a message through like a spotlight that's like, hey, are you going to try to do this plan? And the plan is Sean Aston, through

the tech know-how of this yogurt guy, this little boy yogurt, they call. He, like, yogurt knows, like, hey, the radio chip, or the transmitting chip that's in my model airplane is the same one that this guy's got

on his little bomb detonator. So if you can switch the two chips in the headmaster's office between like the detonator, the detonator part of the bomb and my airplane, which is also now in his office, then the bombs won't be a threat and the army can move in, is the idea.

Right, and this is why it's called diehard is because we get Sean Ashton in the vents. Yeah, him and yogurt go into the vents. You know, they go into the bathroom and jump up into the vents. It's a pretty decent scene of like, you know, him sneaking in to do the switch. There's contention and stuff like that.

I do love the idea that yogurt's like, yeah, I know how to build a model plan. exactly how to diffuse a bomb. Same difference. It's all just wires and microchips. I don't know much about microchips, but so the plan is they're going to take the receiver from the bomb and put it into the airplane and switch it and switch the two. Therefore, the one control, the receiver now, I just don't know if that chip would work that way.

I feel like it's since it's the same like size and style chip, it would just control the same thing, wouldn't it? I don't know. Am I wrong? It's, dude, it's, it's 1990. one's toy soldiers what do you want to tell you it's a fair point it could be bullshit i mean the only reason they need need it to be active of anything is so that he for some reason uh uh uh our wishmaster pal has a fucking light like the gauntlet that says when the bomb is armed well he's got the little

he's got the little switch on his wrist right like the predator so yeah so he can detonate you know all he has to do is press this one button his whole thing is like even if you come in and you kill everybody else here I'm just going to press this button before I die and the whole fucking place is going to go out. Much like that.

You know what this movie could have used? Yep. That's exactly what the movie could have used. Andrew Devoff doing a predator last. Andrew DeVoff hires the predator to be his number three. He's under Michael Champion. I do. So the way they distract DeVov

to get him out of his office is Keith Coogan fakes an asthma attack. and like, you know, Deadholm, I was like, he's very sick, he must go to the hospital. And this is when they get a message that the, that the, the, the, the compound is being breached.

And he's got this fucking remote control with the long wire. And he whips Delholm Elliott in the eye. And it Oh, I did not see this at all, dude. That's crazy. You got to go back, dude. It's really good. He goes, oh. Oh, you know what?

Now that you mentioned, when, now that you said that all like that, I think remember this. Really? Yeah. I love it. I do not remember this moment. I think I still have a few hours on my rental. Go back, man. There's a great thing where like the

strike is happening right now. Like we've have like the American military is on campus and they fucking like cap these couple of assassins on the roof and one dude like isn't quite all the way dead and throws a grenade on these guys.

Terrible, like, fucking headshots all the time in terrorist situations. Come on, guys. Or, like, triangle, right in the heart. This is pretty great, though, because this fucking commando team is decimated instantly from one henchman. It's pretty awesome. And it's kind of funny because, like, this

grenade goes off. And, like, I don't know, I guess maybe it is just a massive campus and it's bigger than it looks like. But, like, this grenade goes off and Devoff and all these dudes are like, anybody hear that? instead of like, holy shit, an explosion. And now Lewis Gossi Jr.

sneaking into the campus as well and finds the bodies of these people and puts a tourniquet of his belt around this one dude's leg. And this is the moment, dude, when he makes the tourniquet that I was like, oh, fuck, Lou Gosser Jr. is about to go into like commando mode right here, and it's going to be awesome. And it's just, it never quite gets there. Like, he knows how to make a tourniquet. That's it. this is yeah so like we're going around um they the yogurt and billy and shot assing get into some trouble because they're trying to come back and one terrorist is in the bathroom and ricardo realizes what's going on and they just like jump this terrorist and again like i guess it's three kids better it's better than just will weaton but still dude these are some soft motherfuckers yeah and ricardo's kind of like bigger than the other guys yeah i feel like that actor was just like older than the rest of them yes uh but you're totally right dude i mean i

can't, I don't know where Andrew Devoff got these fucking terrorists from, but these dudes stink. I mean, it's definitely on the budget. He's got a lot of travel he has to do with this. Oh, sure. They did to do the whole border crossing. Yeah, you can't be throwing out too much money on these people.

In this scuffle, we also see the fate of Jack, the white guy, Michael Champion, who basically just takes a bazooka and freezes before being lit up by a helicopter? Yeah, he stalls. He's taking out this bazook. He's going to fire up this helicopter, and I think he's just, like, caught in the majesty of this apache helicopter.

Well, yeah, Robert Dovee gets him right in the fucking head. This dude, he is split asunder. Yeah. It's a great death. It's incredible. It's a chain gun, dude. They sort of, like, you know, the rebellion kind of starts right here, and they start, like, jumping these terrorists. And Hank Giles, the character played by T.E. Russell, did you catch this when he fucking gets that one terrorist on the floor?

he's fucking picking this dude's head up by the hair and slamming it against the floor repeatedly That's how you get him out dude Bad ass move And it's around here I also notice There is one terrorist There's a guy It's the guy who's like by

The basement stairway door That Sean Aston uses earlier in the movie To sneak off campus And it's like there's like nine army dudes Trying to take this guy out And finally he's finally destroyed by like someone throws a grenade at him like he won't die. That terrorist

looks exactly like former professional wrestler Xbox. Yeah I totally get you. It's pretty great. It is unbelievable though that this dude gets hit with a grenade and then it's like all right, it's clear let's go in and when the army guys like go into the door

that guy's just laying there but definitely not in pieces. Yeah, you want a head. Come on, right? Like just give me a fucking arm stuck in a window or something. I don't So, yeah, Billy grabs a machine gun and curries the fucking 24 kids that are left in the school down into this basement area. Oh, by the way, one thing I like that the commandos bring to the party are these tactical ladders. Black ladders, they start throwing up against the building.

Ladders purchase on soldier of fortune. Oh, and also down to the basement goes Denholm Elliott, though. yes because they're like they're like giving him the liquor to like calm him down like the mouthwash liquor it's a fun joke yeah it's it's not too bad um so yeah devoff presses the button here um because it's like we're all gonna go to hell tonight sean ashton here we go presses the button the airplane takes off in the office it's fucking great we get a deal it's just for that moment really like the whole switcheroo you know yeah yeah no it's and luca so junior at this point is outside the window And he's like, and again, this is what sucks. It's like he should know exactly what to do because he should be an ex-mercernary and he's not. And he's like going back to the guy like, hey, what do I do? He's got a gun on him. Shoot him in the fucking head.

That's what you're going to do. Is it okay if he pulls all those wires? What will happen then? Oh, right. The bomb will go off. Idiot, shoot him. That's right. And then he turns around and somehow falls and stumbles through the window.

Dude, it is a fucking. Broken glass and blood. I was like, what do you, Ernest P. Oh, and what are you doing? It is an ornistic. I do want to say that Andrew Divoff gives Sean Aston when he tries to hit the remote and the plane goes off. He looks at him. He gives him a real Harvey Kytel at the end of Reservoir Dogs.

Oh, yes, you're totally right. A frustrated grunt. Yes, because he's about, yes. And then, like, he just falls in and do you have to shoot some in the shoulder, which is pretty cool. Now, here's a big beef I had, though, dude, because, like, you take. a look at that if you if you have some hours left on your rental or if you have this on VHS or whatever because if you look

at where they decided to place this bullet wound it is directly over Lugaset's heart yes and I was like oh fuck Lugas it's gonna die right here and then like in the aftermath he's like well I got my arm in a sling and I was like you were shot in the chest

good thing I lost my heart in Vietnam and it should be it should not be forgotten at all right here. Yes, Lu Gausa Jr. is shot in the chest, but Devoff is shot right in the fucking forehead. It's a great, great effect. Great squib effect. Holy crap. It's awesome.

Seeing this as a kid, it really changed me because I'd never seen that happened before where it's like, holy shit, how'd they do that? You know what I mean? Oh, really? Oh, that's cool. The magic of the movies with Toy Soldiers. This really would have been great. They should have had really a squib work Oscar. Yeah. Because it would be like the effects Oscars where like you'd get the movie titles that were listed as nominees and be like, what are these pieces of shit? Like why did they get nominated? And you're like, oh, it's all because the squib work. That would be great because that's how I view the animated feature category. Yeah. Then Canon has like most of the Oscars in circulation. Yes. After that. So yeah, he's dead. There's kind of a quick thing with like Sean Aston and Lou Gassau Jr. where he's like oh you know do i am i still on pots and pans duty and he's like oh you better believe it and then they kind of have a good laugh over that and then you know he's he meets back up with all

his buddies they're like oh you know where where's sean asin where is he was his name billy billy uh you know oh where's billy billy and then he fucking runs out and meets the rest of the guys and they kind of have a big hug and we just end this great movie we do yeah i think he and leuka jr have a thing where it's like well you might graduate us time after all. It's like, no one's graduating from here, my friend. A kid was murdered and like half the staff was decimated. Fuck you. Here's the thing, dude, if you are a fucking high school student and you help like squander a terrorist attack, in any way. Like if you're the hero, like Sean Asson, if you're like one of the side players, like yogurt or whatever, listen,

instant diploma. And not even a GED either. It's a real diploma. No, no, no, no. The real thing, because you have had more life experience in the 72 hours that this movie takes place than anything that you could learn from Denholm Elliott. I would say give them doctorates. Make them all doctors, honestly. Absolutely. What's the point here? What's going on here? I have my doctorate in surviving.

Well, you know, they've been around a lot of cadavers. Yeah, no, that's true. They know anatomy. They were in the jerk room doing the late night banana. Oh, that's true. Late night bananas. I will say, I love that this movie just ends.

Yep. No little fucking tag on at the end, nothing extra. Like I was, I was like really worried that we were going to get like, Sean Eston, his dad finally shows up or something and like, played by Chevy Chase.

And he says something like, oh, you finally learned something at school, I heard. Or even worse, dude, it's like six months later the school is somehow functioning again and Sean Ashton has seen to be like a good student or something or like he's doing another prank and they wink at each other like yeah oh yep we just like the junior dean under Lewis Cassett Jr. or even like Dean Jr. There maybe we're at Joey's grave or something like that yada yada. Also I would go to the

mafia and be like listen you and me and your son were best friends so you know we're cool right? Yeah, we're cool, right? If I ever did anything, maybe I can come talk to you. I don't know. Or can I take your son's place as the co-head of the family? You know, your son said that he thought of me as his brother. And I'm sure you would like to help. Maybe get rid of a few people for the brother of your dead son. Your son left a kill list. I don't know if you want to take a look at it.

Do anything about the people left on his kill list? I mean, he said he really wanted them to die. Like, it was his dying wish that all these people be annihilated. I mean, fine. Do you got an address on mom and dad number one and two? No. And that, my friends, is Toy Soldiers. Would anybody recommend this movie?

Start with you, Steve Sadek? Oh, solidly. Yeah. I mean, this is a movie I've seen a hundred times. It was on cable all the time. It was, it's just as violent as you want it to be. Again, a body count can't always be allowed. larger but it is it's a it's a pretty brisk it's a little under two hours i do understand

it's got a bit of a saggy middle i had a ton of fun with it last night it holds up it's it's a it's a fun movie for sure totally chris cabin it's a light recommend i'm not like i really the the class is still going on in the movie really did slow the movie for me a bit it was a problem uh but i have i have to i have to recommend it because i get to see will we and get it in the chest. I mean, if that wasn't there, I don't know if I'd enjoy this at all. But like that's, that's specifically.

How many stars did it have before that scene and how many stars did it have after that scene? We're talking about a one and a half or that jumps to a four and a half for awfully quick right there. Holy moly. A light recommend that is. I am going to recommend this movie,

but I do think it's a little long. It doesn't need to be almost two hours. Sure. I feel like you could cut 15 easy. But yeah, I mean, it's fun. I love the shot Wheaton. I love the shot Wishmaster. It's definitely got its moments. I am a whole hog recommend here. I don't know if it's because I never saw this movie until last night or if it was just the thing I needed in this moment. I don't know what to tell you. But I remember last night looking and being like an hour in 52 minutes you've got to be shitting me

and by the time it was over with I was like the movie's over with you gotta be shitting me like I was totally in it man I totally had so much fun with this movie it's it's the kind of movie that like I remember it's kind of funny that I hadn't seen this

when we were doing the Patrick Stewart movie who's the young boy in that one what's the name of Madman Vincent Carthizer yes that's right I remember at that time, and probably you went back and looked at that episode from whenever

the hell we did that, and it was like me being, you know, complaining about I just wish it was more violent or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like, then it happened. Then I watched Toy Soldiers, and the thing I said I wanted happened. So headshots, squibs, fucking bazookas, rocket launchers. It was all there

for me. Hardcore recommend. Controversial opinion, probably. I do think this is a better movie than the Goonies. Oh, for sure. I don't like the Goonies. I didn't grow up with the Goonies. I don't give a shit. And that's one of those movies. You can only give a shit if you grew up with it. I grew up with it and I don't give a shit about it. Wow. Look at that. So I would also rate this above Goonies. Anybody get... Does Den Helm Elliott get whipped in the eye in Goonies?

I don't believe so. Okay. So then the eye like this would be a lot more. It's a whole lot more. But listen, by the way, it's fine if you like the Goonies. All right. Yeah, it's totally fine. I see your face getting red. You know what? For you there composing that tweet, just say, I don't know. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I didn't get the Goonies.

There you go. But that, oh, actually, the one thing I wanted to mention really quickly, they do a little victory lap of, here are all your actors and little video thing of each of them. And when they get the Denholm Elliott, it's like from the basement scene and he's doing a shot of that booze and he makes like a goofy face or something.

Might have been an outtake. And I just had the thought of like, for those, like the boys that are in that scene with Denholm Elliot, he must have been fun as fuck. Oh, sure. Like here's this like seasoned character. director guy, you know, he's in fucking Indiana Jones, you know.

He'll show you how to do a real late night banana. I turned it off immediately, like I soon as to say, so can I ask it, is the Will Wheaton one him bleeding out on the step? Unfortunately, not, dude. That would have been fucking hilarious. Oh, no, it's when

Gossett Jr. gets him and they pull a shoot over a street. That is Toy Soldiers from 1991, directed by Daniel Petrie, completing our cycle of the Petrie family. If you want more We Hate Movies, head over to our Patreon. Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies.

It is September, which means we are going to be plugging a whole list of stuff. Eric Sisko, what's our little music project we have this month? We were going to go see a corn concert and then kind of review it like maybe a 20-minute thing. But instead, we sat around together for three hours doing a corn cast where it ends up being cut down to be like an hour and 45-minute episode of us just reviewing every track. on Corn's Follow the Leader album. That's right.

That'll be out later this month on Patreon. And our we love movies this month because this is kind of like a, you know, to get back to form kind of thing. We're doing a Dab for Noon movie on Spike Lee's excellent Inside Man. Yeah. And I can say also along with the Corn cast that that's already been recorded. It was fun as hell talking about Inside Man, which ties into another Denzel Washington movie that will be coming out later this month. in episode form which we're very excited about ricochet just talking about that and then the uh the a d we got floating around what's that that is on garfield and friends that's right another thing

we recorded already and i completely forgot so many recordings ago garfield long time coming for that show yeah also on the gleep glossary our star wars shine show um we're gonna be talking about low Baca. I believe that's Chewy's nephew. So tune in for some laughs. Hatchie. I have so many questions. We're releasing

our chudmintry on the $8 Patreon feed, my friends. Wow. He's a shit ton of content this month. That one takes me back, by the way. These these commentary rewinds have been really interesting, but specifically

because we're going back and doing these really early ones. And the chudmintry, I've gone back through it and listened to it. It's bonkers, man. It's the first commentary we ever did. We sounded like babies, the whole thing. It's a lot of fun. Definitely don't miss that later this month. Now, as always, here on We Hate

Movies, we just said at the top of the show that we are just getting going here, season 11 of We Hate Movies. So that means next Tuesday, there is already an episode Waiting in the Wings. Steve Sadek, what are we talking about next week? It's a, it's been a long time coming for Double Jeopardy. Oh, man.

Yeah, dude, you know, guys, did you know you can't get tried twice for the same crime? Did you guys know that? I can't wait for this episode, by the way, because we're finally take that fucker, Alex Trebek, to task. He's featured prominently in it, Eric, so you're going to be really happy. He gets a supporting actor credit, Eric. Did you know that about the movie Double Jeopardy? I was trying to, like, say no in a form of a question. That doesn't work.

What is no? There we go. I would I would eat shit on Jeopardy. So until next week with Double Jeopardy. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Sisker. Chris Cabin. Take it easy.

That was a hate-gum podcast.