We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 504 - Double Jeopardy

Episode Date: September 15, 2020

On this week's episode, the gang continues to celebrate this unofficial Stay Tuned month with a chat about the incredibly ridiculous thriller Double Jeopardy! How about this garbage trailer giving up ...the entire film in under three minutes? Hey, way to c-block that art phony, Bruce Greenwood! And why didn't Ashley Judd's character think. to. get. a. haircut?! PLUS: What is with that Kentucky Fried Accent on Mr. Devereaux? WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. Double Jeopardy stars Ashley Judd, Tommy Lee Jones, Bruce Greenwood, and Annabeth Gish; directed by Bruce Beresford. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Starting point is 00:02:17 If you're not in love, send it back for a full refund. No return shipping, no restocking fees, every penny back. Shop now at washable sofas.com. Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply. This week on the program, it's a movie based around a legal thing that isn't really real. It's Double Jeopardy. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program as always. That's right. This week we're talking about 1999's Double Jeopardy, directed by famed Australian Bruce Beresford. I think he's Australian anyway. Yes, he is. Pretty sure he is, right? Yes. And this is, you know, we're getting into some top tier TNT afternoon. Oh, dude. That's why we pumped up the things.
Starting point is 00:03:30 theme song wake everybody up a little bit with our corn theme you know I was pretty stoked to never have to fucking hear that again and here we are Steve because you had to plug the cornment dairy
Starting point is 00:03:44 I got to listen to this Jonathan Davis ass puppet yeah we got a corn cast a buck 45 on that fucker just talking about every track on follow the leader on patreon.com slash we hate movies what a waste of time but people enjoy it. Yeah. Would it driven weaker men to suicide. We spent, I mean, it's an hour, 45 minute episode, and we spent three hours on a Saturday
Starting point is 00:04:09 just talking corn to each other, and we kind of go batty on it. So it's a lot of fun. Draining our bodies of life force as well while listening to this garbage. If you want to hear four minds and souls deteriorate live on the air, you can listen to that cornmentary. And I also wanted to put it, because Eric, made a great theme suck. I like this theme song. I was surprised. You know, like someone was like, how high were you when you thought
Starting point is 00:04:37 that worked? And I'm like, it kind of works, but it doesn't. Don't you hate that? How high did you have to be? Why don't you get out of my fucking business? It doesn't matter how high I am. At any given moment of the day. Yeah, why don't you go get high? Leave me the fuck alone.
Starting point is 00:04:53 It's scary. The pilot's cockpit. danky Sullenberger. Don't do, definitely. It's flight, but he's just totally baked the entire time. Oh, there we go. Yeah. I think I saw a goose. Oh, man, look at all these geese.
Starting point is 00:05:12 Just hold on there, neck hard. Oh, God. Wait, is it plural of goose, gooses, or geese? Beep, beep, beep. I'm just unsure. We're upside down. Hell! Yeah, he just got too high and pressed the ejection button on the engines, which exists. I don't know why.
Starting point is 00:05:27 so of course get over to patreon.com slash we hate movies check out our corn track by track special corn you know we were using it sort of interchangeably and now I can never fucking remember what it is the corn cast corn cast is what we're calling it I do yeah so I mean this is a long term stay tuned I feel our double jeopardy here right yeah and you know it ties into the corn
Starting point is 00:05:52 too because this is late 90s is 99 follow the leader it was 98 Steve was going to all those fucking music festivals where corn and other shitty bands were playing. Exactly. Watch a double jap all the time, dude. By the way, I think stay tuned eventually, maybe another year for the limp biz cast. Ooh, that sounds about right. It's got to happen.
Starting point is 00:06:11 But I definitely need some fucking, I need a lot of sunsets between the two. That's for sure. I also need to be really high again for that, by the way. Yeah, so this is a significant of cast. No, I don't know. Well, see, that's the thing is none of it works. That's why it's just a limp biz cast. Okay.
Starting point is 00:06:27 This is during the Ashley Juddiverse that we had for a little while. Bigger than the MCU, I think, honestly, right? Yeah. As far as my interest is concerned. She had like this huge fucking run, man. Oh, yeah, she was a judder not. It's this. Kiss the Girls. The hell was that...
Starting point is 00:06:50 The other one we did, Twisted. Twisted. Was that around here? Was that two thousand? Was that post 9-11? Yeah, I feel like that. was like closing out the uh the judge the judaverse the curtain call uh what's the one with her and um fuck what's all with her jim kvizel um and another morgan freeman joint with her dangerous crimes or
Starting point is 00:07:11 something like high crimes high crimes yes get out my house who cares how high the crimes were come on um i have the beholder yes i mean was that that was even mcgregor and like he's he's a spy or something and he's obsessed with her. I saw that I think. That was a yeah that's like a weird like it's an indie like gritty movie. It's a little different than these but it is within the like
Starting point is 00:07:39 I mean this this lady opened a ton of fucking movies man. Yeah. And she you know here's the thing like this movie is whatever it's total dead for noon spectacular but she's good. She is a good actor and she's good in this movie. Well didn't Harvey
Starting point is 00:07:55 destroy her career because he's the world's biggest piece of shit? Yep, that's how that works. Okay. Horrible. He said, Dad for noon, but this is also like one of those movies that kind of have fallen by the wayside, and I wish we had more of them because they're fun. It's like a lifetime movie that has
Starting point is 00:08:09 enough money, it becomes a thriller. And these don't exist anymore. They all go to Lifetime now, which is a real bummer, because I like these. I mean, like, lifetime movies are always like always a cheap out, both the body count and the cheapness of it and the bad acting. It's the acting. It's always
Starting point is 00:08:25 the acting. Because if This is essentially, like, you put anybody below Bruce Greenwood and Ashley Judd in this. I don't know if this works at all. Yes. Or Tommy Lee Jones, of course. Speaking of that, what am I talking about here? Speaking of that cast, like, I mean, who could you plug in in a modern, in the modern era to play these kind of parts? Like, the, the, like, the actors today are too, like, cutesy or buff.
Starting point is 00:08:51 Like, I couldn't see, like, I can't even think of an actor. Like, what, Jason Mamoa? moa in this that wouldn't work yeah I mean like what I mean as far as like a galga but even Galgado is just sort of too striking to be in this movie right yeah
Starting point is 00:09:06 and then you go too far the other way and you get like Michael Shannon and stuff and then it's just scary yeah that's a little too scary they are get me in double jeopardy huh hip hip oh look at this now I'm down in New Orleans having a blast at Marty Grah
Starting point is 00:09:21 wow it's really it's the time of my life Everyone, like, he faked his own death. Ah, shit, they caught me again, huh? Yeah, I'm too fucking creepy for my own goddamn good. Guess I'll go to prison! How much you want for this fancy hotel here, huh? How much you want for it?
Starting point is 00:09:40 You know who could maybe do... No, probably not. I was going to say who could do the Tommy Lee Jones role as Paul Giamatti? Come on. Yeah, no, I know. That's a Michael Shannon. We need, like... Who's like an old disgruntled bastard?
Starting point is 00:09:58 I feel like they don't exist anymore. And the actors that are like, it's, you know, semi-retired or something. Like if George Clooney or someone came into one of these movies, then it would be a totally different animal as well because their fame is too big. Let me be like Defoe possibly. Yes.
Starting point is 00:10:13 Oh, that's a good call. Defoe is exactly who could do this. Oh, hey. Say, Ashley, Jed. Do you want to take some Polaroids? Is Kate Blanchett's two? classy for this i think is the idea yeah yeah oh you know you kate winslet though okay get a kate winslet in this movie i could see that you got to find those actors that like
Starting point is 00:10:37 they can do oscar they all but they also do other shit and trash and there seems to be like this other class now where these these fancy actors do the you know like leonard o'capio couldn't be in this this this would be given to a tv actor now i feel there you go wait a second I got it TV actor John Slattery could do this Tommy Lee Jones right and it would go right to lifetime it's just the fucking TV pipeline here
Starting point is 00:11:06 yeah now I'm thinking maybe even you can get a John Ham now just the cast of Madman but John Ham is also of that ilk I think 100% with the amount of time this movie covers you could 100% sell this as like a
Starting point is 00:11:19 do this as like a gritty like brutal remake as a five part miniseries on FX. Oh, sure. You could easily do that. Okay, what if, all right, so if we're trying to cast this movie now, and I promise we'll talk about this actual movie soon. But Ben Affleck as Bruce Greenwood, that's about right, right?
Starting point is 00:11:38 That's close to it. Yeah, because it's kind of, yep, and Ben Affleck has experience in movies about faking your own disappearance. I mean, Gar-Girl is kind of like the closest you can get to this movie now. You're totally right. Well, also, no, they are making one of these movies now with, what's his name, Adrian Lynn, who did unfaithful and fatal attraction. Okay. He's bringing out a movie.
Starting point is 00:12:05 It's Ben Affleck and Anna D. Armis. And it's about, like, it's like this kind of story where, like, he might be killing her, like, they have an open relationship and he might be killing her lovers. Oh, dude. Day one, I am there. Day one, if it's a creaky legal thriller, I'm into it. Creaky. I guess I didn't see some movies that are maybe more like this, like Girl on a Train or whatever.
Starting point is 00:12:33 That movie stinks awful. Suck shit. Unbelievably bad. But also those are all, like a lot of those are what you're talking about, Eric, which is you're correct, but they're also like pulled from novels now, like Gone Girl on a Train. And they're going to do the, what's it, somebody in the apartment is coming up soon. somebody in the apartment that's the name of the movie
Starting point is 00:12:52 and Elizabeth Moss starring in somebody in the apartment you're talking about woman in the window aren't woman in the window not someone of the apartment it's a problem to be adapting these goddamn weepy novels for these fun movies give me a schlubby dude or lady
Starting point is 00:13:11 you know stressing out over a keyboard barely making sense that's what I watch well you know they had um it's funny because like normally i am such a sucker for these things i think gone girl's a good movie it is um they did uh another adaptation of that woman's books with charles oh dark dark places something like that jillian fly yeah gillian fly yeah and that was dog shit i always wanted to see the tv series uh sharp objects with amy adams because i'm an amy adam stand as everybody knows
Starting point is 00:13:48 but it always just seemed too sad and I'm like I don't want to deal with that it's okay Amy Adams is the reason to watch it and it looks nice but like it's a very sad story yes I don't need I know a lot of people like those things but those stories that are based on
Starting point is 00:14:04 books that are all like there's kind of maybe a crime in like a very placid domestic suburban situation you know and somebody fucking falls down the stairs and it's maybe a murder like I don't care I just don't give a shit.
Starting point is 00:14:19 And you're dripping stars in, maybe a murderer. I mean, exactly. It's just everybody trying to make another gone girl. Yes. And that's going to just keep on happening for a while, I think. So this is late 90s. We all swore this was earlier in the 99 for sure. Right.
Starting point is 00:14:37 We're talking about this off the air. It's Ashley Judd, her and Bruce Greenwood are married. And are they in the Pacific Northwest? Is that what we're doing here? Yep. Yeah. Yeah, they're living in, like, one of those fucking rad islands, like, around the Seattle area. And they are waterslide rich, okay?
Starting point is 00:14:56 That's what's going on. You get this water slide in the beginning of this movie, and indoor? I'm like, holy shit. Dude, the water slide, the house in general? Yes, the views? I fucking hated these people. Yeah. It's disgusting.
Starting point is 00:15:07 It's so funny. Because, like, they're so, like, super, super rich, clearly. And there's the moment here where Bruce Greenwood's like, hey, baby you see that boat out there on the bay well I put an offer in on it and I'm going to buy it for you and she's like oh we can't afford that I'm like of course you can look where you live
Starting point is 00:15:25 look where you live lady that's the problem with this movie is both of them should have gone to jail yes I think the name of the island is like actually like Whiteley Island or something like that Willoughby or something will be Will be Wittes I think it's Whippley
Starting point is 00:15:44 Whippets Island everybody does Whippets. Oh, Whippet Island, dude, where everybody's high for 90 seconds. All right, four orange whips. Should we tell her, we're going to frame you for my murder. Okay, yes. It is Whippley Island, and Wippet Island, the ferry
Starting point is 00:16:00 comes every two minutes. Just as you get on and get off. Exactly. We actually never leave the Cove here. We just do a turnaround right there. And I guess there's some sort of, like, they're having some sort of party. I don't really understand what... It's a benefit.
Starting point is 00:16:16 of some kind. Okay. Because Bruce Greenwood has some line where he's like, and we're all here, of course, get to get out those checkbooks. It's for the school. Yeah. Yeah. Something's up in the school. There's a great moment here where like they just cut to, and it's
Starting point is 00:16:32 purely to set up a plot point later in the film. But there's the moment where like there's a dude like trying to fucking mac it to this lady and he's like, oh that's a Picasso there. It's his blue period. And then Bruce Greenwood comes in totally cock-blocking this dude
Starting point is 00:16:48 being like, it's Vasily Kandinsky actually and just like railing off all this shit and like you can see this dude's dick just going totally limp. Bruce Greenwood as art asshole that's a movie I want. Absolutely, dude. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:17:03 To this movie's credit, somehow that Kandinsky plays a huge role. I mean, I kind of felt that when it was happening. I'm like, this is a really weird scene to just have in the middle of all this because there's really no other scene like it in the rest of the movie yeah so just like no it's just to be like oh you know there's a kandesky hey everybody there's a kandinsky in here later on bruce greenwood is like
Starting point is 00:17:27 canoodling with ashley judd and he's like was i always this rude and i'm like i don't know you don't have to be this rude yeah why like it's a first of all it's a benefit for his school why are you being such a son of a bitch to everybody so it's bruce greenwood that kind of has to be i i love bruce greenwood by the way oh he's fantastic actually the funny thing is man uh between a 19, so you figure you're making this movie in 98, a 98 Bruce Greenwood and a 98 Ashley Judd. Fucking, dude, raise the curtains back for the smoke show. God damn. I mean, there's a, there's a totally unnecessary sex scene in this movie, but I was like, you know what?
Starting point is 00:18:04 I will take it with the two of them. My God. That's some writhing I'm seeing there. That's some serious writhing. Because it's the two of them. The party's over. You know, there's some stuff, some seeds laid where, like, Like, people are like, well, what are you going to do about all this fucking debt you're in, Bruce Green?
Starting point is 00:18:19 It's like, oh, yeah, enjoy the cocktails, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, did I show you my Kandinsky? This is exactly how I'm handling my debt. Enjoy the cocktails. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. It's just Eric yelling at his cat. Enjoy the cocktails. Don't ask me about my finances.
Starting point is 00:18:36 Yeah, don't worry about the deficit. And so, like, we're laying those seeds. Annabeth Gish is heavily featured here. Oh, yeah. as like, you know, the friend slash, like, she's good with the kid kind of a thing. She's the second head of the school that they're having the thing for. And Bruce Greenwood, I mean, I know what he's really trying to do here, but in this scene, I thought he was Angletta Threesome. I thought that's what we're doing.
Starting point is 00:19:03 Oh, thank you very much, dude, absolutely, because it's a weird thing where, like, the party's coming to an end, and Greenwood and Judd are, like, out on the deck looking at the lake. And they are fucking straight up tongue kissing. and then like Annabeth Gish kind of like peeks around the corner and he just goes, hi, come have a seat. And I was like, holy shit, dude. Did you bring the oils?
Starting point is 00:19:26 If you move into like boat territory group sex is looking right around the corner. Absolutely, dude. You got to do that end of the party math and it's just like, all how many people are left here? What is the sexual? Is there a sexual vibe at all?
Starting point is 00:19:40 If there is, you got to get out. Like that's the move. Or stay or dive right in. But you think, do you think that this is the moment where, like, because, I mean, spoiler alert, we're going to talk about it in fucking five minutes. But Annabeth Gish is fucking Bruce Greenwood and is in on this whole plot of faking his own death or whatever. But do you think he was like, in his head, he was like, okay, here's the deal. I won't fake my own death and have my wife sent to jail if my fuck buddy comes over here and my wife is cool with a three-way. Yeah, I think that's it.
Starting point is 00:20:13 If we have a three-way tonight, I won't fake my death tomorrow. Called it a silent ultimatum. Yep. Yeah, exactly. It was just those options were only on the table for Bruce Greenwood. Nobody else knew about that. Exactly. And he in his head was like, maybe I won't fake my own death.
Starting point is 00:20:29 If I could have some group sex. You could just fake your own death and not send your wife to jail. Also true. Also true. You could have the blood around, I guess, or I don't know, just like show that you were there and you had left the boat and you had died in the water or whatever. Yeah. Yes.
Starting point is 00:20:47 Yes, baby. The first gift is the vote. The second is her. Oh, yeah. Help her. Ashley Judd might have gotten off if it wasn't for, well, now we're talking about I'm in trial. If it wasn't that fucking tape,
Starting point is 00:21:03 we didn't even see that tape get made. I'm getting ahead of myself because I'm excited. But no, it's true. I agree with you. I don't understand that. I mean, I guess. because it's cleaner, but, like, to fuck your wife over like this, like, come on, man.
Starting point is 00:21:15 And there's no real, like, uh, indication of like, it's a super bad marriage or anything like that. He's just a, you know, I mean, they're tongue kissing on that doc. They're tongue kissing. There's Maddie. They're fishing.
Starting point is 00:21:29 But I really do feel like they must have cut, like, a big reveal is Time of Lee Jones finds out that like Bruce Greenwood, like, has been like black widowing women for years. sure because he also spoiler alert kills Annabeth Gish quote unquote suspected at least
Starting point is 00:21:48 which is crazy so I guess Ashley Judd actually got off light yes this guy's exploding women yeah that's true this is how I show I care about you honey you just went to prison for six years
Starting point is 00:22:01 I blew that other bitch up what was he going to do the next one it's escalation it's prison explosion eat her definitely I'm going to eat her leg is when I'm going to do. I'm going to sear it on a nice pan. Remember when I said I'd eat my wife out?
Starting point is 00:22:18 Well, I just took her arm into the backyard and hate it. Out of my trust, am I right? So we're out on this boat, and it's like a thing where they're going out because the guy who owns it is like, hey, take it for a spin this weekend. You know, if you like it, it's yours. And we're fucking on this boat. And then she wakes up in the middle of the night. I mean, the sex scenes nuts, though. Full-on nudity from Ashley Judd.
Starting point is 00:22:40 A lot of the noises are a lot. Dude, I gotta say Bruce Greenwood's like sex like sex acting noises here
Starting point is 00:22:50 a lot like when McGruber's fucking that goes she is on but we have to talk like Ashley when we first see them doing it
Starting point is 00:23:03 Ashley Judge is on him like Spider Man on a tall building like yeah sure dude pumping it the problem is like it's so you front load the sexiness and guess what it's gone yes we're never going to see the sexiness again i feel like there should have been a little more nudity or another
Starting point is 00:23:22 sex scene later on in the film but we never really well who's fucking who well i guess you could lean into um bruce greenwood's sexual exploits and his fake identities oh no i got to find out who where ash jude is better fuck my way to the top jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack Looks like I'm fucking my way all the way down to the big easy. It turns into a movie about Tommy Lee Jones trading sex for favors. Yep, exactly. Sure. I'd watch that. Just leave the dossier on a desk when you're done.
Starting point is 00:23:54 Look, look, I'm just having a little trouble, okay? Just wait, just wait a minute, okay? I'm trying to jack it. All right. Listen, I'm going to go into the bathroom and be alone for a few minutes, all right? See if I can get it up. Come on. It's me and you. It's jack time.
Starting point is 00:24:08 It's me and you and it's jack time. we got to go little jack little jack uh so she wakes up covered in blood and you know she's looking around like calling out for him there's blood like everywhere in in the cabin she wipes up the blood some woman she wipes up to come anyway that's right uh and like here's the thing guys you ever find yourself covered in blood you're like well this is weird you don't find a horse head on you're like all right the mafia's not involved that's good, check. When you're feeling around your surroundings and you find a bloody knife on the floor, you got to leave that bloody knife where you found it. Yep, absolutely. I eyeball that thing,
Starting point is 00:24:51 be like, okay, that's cool. Bloody knife, check. That doesn't look good. Like, you holding it up closer to you doesn't make it any more or less of a knife. I know there's a lot of stimuli at this moment and you're in a sensitive state, but come on. I mean, part of the problem is also she picks it up and she holds on to it for like five or ten minutes and then the U.S. Coast Guard is like, hey lady, what's at the knife? Not only does she pick it up and hold it, dude, she's holding it the way you would hold it if you were
Starting point is 00:25:17 stabbing someone to death. Hey, lady, could you put that away? Throw it in the water. Like, before the Coast Guard sees you, throw it in the water. Right. Nobody would, yeah, it's just, it's very, I wouldn't pick up the knife. The Coast Guard's like lady put the knife down. She's like, but oh my God.
Starting point is 00:25:36 can I say one of my favorite things about this so she comes through the cabin and like the music is like swelling when she discovers different pools of blood and like one of the biggest swells is her finding blood on the shakutri platter and I got a really big laugh out of that I got to tell you
Starting point is 00:25:54 well you never you know nobody ever likes to see that much fucking pork product destroyed dude no debris Nick's bloody sausage chill I said bloody sausage I heard you I heard you the first time
Starting point is 00:26:10 dried salami So this happens The Coast Guard immediately rolls up She gets arrested She doesn't get arrested Well this dude This dude cutter This like cop
Starting point is 00:26:23 Who she's friendly with This guy's been in a thousand things He's an FBI agent on fringe for a while I believe you met a horrible death Yeah he is a good bald actor One of our strongest bald actors but it's a weird like yeah we're just like sitting with the police for a while and then this guy Bobby who I guess we saw him at the party briefly
Starting point is 00:26:45 he's the lawyer here her egg shaped lawyer this dude like his head he you need to like figure out your collar situation if you don't have a strong neck you just got to figure something out because it just looks you just your head is sitting atop your shoulders at that point I thought it was what was the collar it was like a regular button down show or something yeah i think so yeah i mean i think you just want to have like a little what do you suggest like a mandarin collar or something maybe a mandarin collar maybe possibly like you keep your shirt unbuttoned at the top so you kind of let let people know you
Starting point is 00:27:20 do have a knack just telling this guy how to dress absolutely okay i think steve is speaking from experience if you are egg-shaped i thought that this guy for a second was a character actor josh mostel big dude from like city slickers son of zero son of zero must tell exactly right they're both from the same cart yes yeah she gets a rich white lady arrested
Starting point is 00:27:47 where your lawyer comes up to you is like all right you're about to get arrested and like actually lets you know like don't talk to the police or anything like that I will meet you there and the cops like yep we're doing this by the book we're not going to shoot you in the back she has a lot well because they're like
Starting point is 00:28:04 hey, so we were looking for Nick and we had all the divers out and whatnot. And based on all the blood and everything in that knife you were holding, yeah, he's been declared dead. And like the dude, this dude cutter like takes out the cuffs and she's like, shit man, not in front of my kid. Not in front of my kid.
Starting point is 00:28:23 Yeah. You know, if this was made today, the police would have just murdered her on that boat, the Coast Guard would have killed. Oh, absolutely. Just open fire. Yeah, but they'd be like, ah, open and shut case perfect sweet now we got a free boat out of this whole thing well the police would use their stealth bomber to bomb the boat back into oblivion because that's what you do you've got all this equipment you go out of use it well they would have to be demoted to land police that you know that's that's that's a real harsh judgment on them we're taking your sea legs away johnny you're a land
Starting point is 00:28:57 police now but they were three miles away she could have killed me at any moment Uh, so it goes to trial and, you know, there's a whole thing about like a $2 million life insurance policy. There is a recorded message to the Coast Guard, Bruce Greenwood being like, oh, I've been stabbed, you know, oh, ow, ow, oh, my belly, oh, I got hit with a sharpie knife. I'm surprised he doesn't, he doesn't do like, ow, she got me. I can't believe she stabbed me. Did he, like, sedate her or something? Like, how is she sleeping through this? Was the fucking that good? Yeah, well, she has some dumb line where she's like, well, I had two glasses of wine and was out in the sun.
Starting point is 00:29:42 So I guess I was just passed out for hours. Well, I guess, but maybe she was sedated and, like, maybe she thought it was the wine kind of a thing. I do want the missing scene of, like, him getting up and, like, putting everything and, like, she's snoring, and she stops every once in a while, and he thinks she's waking up. While he's trying to do this message, he's like, oh, my God, it hurts so it hurts so bad. He's like making a podcast there, like checking the levels. I'm like, okay, I send this to the police. Okay, this is Stamps.com.
Starting point is 00:30:18 My murder is brought to you by Stamps.com. Oh my God, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding. So the thing about Stamps.com. You know, I just shit my pants because that's what happens when you die. My wife did it. You know, postage costs can bleed you to death. Just like I am right now. You know, thank God we have some strong sponsorship from Meundis because as I'm dying,
Starting point is 00:30:48 I know I'm going to be shitting my pants. Oh, remind her to subscribe to the John Devereaux podcast account a little late. Check that feed, peep it in a month or two. Oh, my God, I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to... More after the break. This death... Mail, Kemp.
Starting point is 00:31:05 This death cast is brought to you by away, which I am passing. Death cast. Act one. I'm stabbed. I reglass. So, yeah, there's this prosecutor, man. She's a piece of shit. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:31:24 At this point, I was curious. I was curious. if her lawyer was in on it, because he's very not good here. He's not great. I feel like it's one of those things where he's a family friend, so it's like, yes, you can be my lawyer. But he's like a tax lawyer or something, you know. But the judge is also like Matt Fruer and Perry Mason.
Starting point is 00:31:45 Like he's letting everything go. Let fucking Stephen Rood do whatever he fucking wants, I guess. Dude, fucking Matt Fruer around that show, dude, he's letting Stephen Rout just tap dance all around that court. Whatever you want. Why don't you just fucking put on a show? Because she's on the stand, and she's like, so you went to bed. The lawyer's like, so you went to bed.
Starting point is 00:32:04 It's like, yes, and someone must have come. Who would have come? Aliens? Yep. And it's like, at that point, objection of being an asshole. Exactly. She keeps going on about, do you think aliens killed your husband? It's like, are you?
Starting point is 00:32:18 Oh, man. She brings the pirates into it. Yeah, and the judge is like, I don't want to see where she's going with this. Exactly. Give her a little latitude. this pirate bitch she's doing. Here's the thing, man. At least pirates are of the sea.
Starting point is 00:32:34 Aliens are of the skies. And the move is objection she's doing material. You know what I mean? Totally. Objection, she clearly wrote this last night. Which all lawyers do. That's not a thing. As we also learn from Perry Mason. But yeah, there's a big
Starting point is 00:32:51 Ashley Judd, like, you have to believe me. She's fucking sobbing. And nothing doing. She is sentenced to multiple years in prison. Well, do we get to hear the sentence because I was confused by this. No, we don't. This really confused me hugely, because we jump, like, right from what seems
Starting point is 00:33:08 like right after the judgment when she's talking about where the kid will go right to her being in prison. Right. Yeah. And, like, that's it. Chris, so someone was convicted of murder in one scene, and then in the next scene they were in jail and you got confused
Starting point is 00:33:23 as to how they got there. Well, because I just was like aliens, Chris. Yes. it was the aliens i was scared but like it goes from like it goes from the pirates and alien speech to her being like uh sorry you know and like it doesn't say like yeah they they they found you guilty well no but she's she literally asks uh angie is the character and abeth gish's character to adopt the kids so you fucking know which way the wind is blowing but my thing is i need to know
Starting point is 00:33:53 was she sentenced for manslaughter first degree murder because she gets she wants up getting out and six years and that part confuses me. I'm like, what fucking Mickey Mouse murder is this? Like, well, she's, she's paroled, though. Yeah, she is paroled, but I mean, even still, like, good behavior. First degree, you go for a while. Steve, she is a rich white lady. Yeah, that's fair. Come on, man. It's actually surprising she didn't get out in three or under. Like, yeah, all this, oh, you murdered your, your rich husband, rich white lady. Oh, cool. Uh, well, you know, we'll consider this trial time served. They could murder anyone and, you know, it'll be commuted down or whatever, and they'll be fine.
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Starting point is 00:36:07 I mean, they never hang a hat on that and they should. Yeah, that's the thing is if they've done anything to like really highlight that, I'd be like, okay, that's cool. But like, it's no, it's just like, you're supposed to think she did hard time. Yeah. Well, she spends six years in prison. It's like, but this is a tap dance in prison. Look at this place.
Starting point is 00:36:23 It is. so yeah she does give her kid to her kid mattie to uh angie and like at first like angie's coming with the kid and it's nice and uh roma mafia roma mafia is that it roma mafia yes this is a pro roma mafia podcast the romani mafia we are proud to endorse them dude she had a bit of a run in these kinds of movies she's in disclosure kiss the girls also with ashley judd this and the uh johnny dip thriller, Nick of Time. Oh, Nick of Time.
Starting point is 00:36:58 I never saw it. I thought it was fine. That got my pace up. That got my pace up. I remember Christopher Walker being pretty badass in that. It's kind of like a noirish, very noirish type of story. They're all on the ARP movies for grownups list
Starting point is 00:37:14 for sure. Yeah. Oh, no doubt about it. Yeah, the Dead People's Choice Awards. So, yeah, I mean, She spends a bunch of time in prison here along the way Angie stops visiting and Ashley Judd like tries to call to see what's going on. Can't find him. And my favorite scene happens in the world where Romney Mafia stops. She's like, Ashley Judd, do you know what movie you're in?
Starting point is 00:37:42 Do you know what your movie's about? It's called double jeopardy. And it turns out that if you just kill the person that you already got convicted of killing, it doesn't matter the degree or any of that shit. Toss that out the window. It's kind of crazy that, like, this level of litigation-related science fiction was allowed to be made. Like, what are you fucking talking about? Like, this character is supposed to be a former lawyer that also killed a husband or something and ended up in jail? Yes, yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:13 Well, that's the gag here because there's another woman who also murdered her husband. And it's just a lot of, like, we're all in here because we murdered our husbands. Evelyn, yeah, but that's the thing is it's a Mickey Mouse prison thing because at first, like, it's like Evelyn and this woman and they're looking at her and they're like making fun of her and like she's going to kill herself at a week. And then like, which is fine and then they just become fast friends. They give her a birthday cake at some point. Birthday cake in prison, really? Well, again, dude, it is six years in prison. It is not overnight. The pair of friends. This movie is just terribly edited. That scene is so sad because it's not even a.
Starting point is 00:38:52 birthday cake for her. Yes. It's a birthday cake for her son that she's eating with her friends in prison. Yeah. And it's it's kind of sad as shit too because you get a look at that cake. The candles are like little crayola crayon shaped and you're just like this is some sad shit. And I don't need like a big Bertha top bunk kind of bad joke thing here. That's not what I'm asking for, but like maybe she has to fight a gang or something. Or like a fight a gang. Or like somebody tries to fuck with her and she punches her out. And like she kind of is in there and then maybe also that dude from Terminator 2
Starting point is 00:39:26 that likes to lick people's faces the evil correctionals officer. She's on the phone at one point and you think for a moment there might be some conflict and somebody might yell at her but it never happens. She's just hanging out with her best friends the other prisoners. Here's the thing.
Starting point is 00:39:43 I think what you guys are looking for is like an actual women in prison movie. That's not what this movie is. So it's like they just No, that's not what I'm asking. No, no, no, no. But like, you're saying, like, oh, she should fight a gang?
Starting point is 00:39:57 The fuck four. This is double jeopardy. She's got to get out and find the husband. All I want is one attempt Bruce Greenwood sends in someone to shiver. Oh, shit. That would be kind of cool. Just one sense of conflict or, like, danger in this fucking prison. And she takes out the head Nazi woman in prison.
Starting point is 00:40:16 And then the Nazis are like, we now respect you and we'll help you on the outside. the husband. You know what? Here's what I want. I want her in the lunch line and someone to trip her. That's the most I want. Can I get that? How about someone spits in her face? That'd be nice. Like, it's prison is scary no matter what. And again, it doesn't have to be about like stupid sexual abuse nonsense for fucking whatever. It just, it could just be like, oh shit, I am afraid I am in prison. I'm a tiny woman with all these bigger people. I just need to be, it doesn't need to be scrubbers. It has to just be something where I understand that prison isn't just
Starting point is 00:40:52 constant danger, which it is. Yes. Right. But I think, you know, you know what you could have there is, or what they try to present what you guys want in a way is all the times that she's on the phone, all the people behind her that are like, well, you get off the fucking phone. Yes. And she's like kind of getting bullied at the phone banquet, but not really.
Starting point is 00:41:15 Prison would be great, but it's a little rude. I'm on the phone here. Please. Oh, I'm sorry. they have such a limited availability of VHS tapes here like you just would not believe it I do love
Starting point is 00:41:31 so she calls like you know Angie disappears with her kid she's freaking out she figures out away like she calls a school as Angie asked for a new address a new phone number and she's like hey what's my new address oh sure Angie here's your new address
Starting point is 00:41:45 whatever she gets it she does the old oh I didn't get a pay stub or something I want to make sure you have my updated address. And the best one, so she calls up, and Angie's like, oh, oh, we were going to visit you next week, Libby. Yeah. And then Bruce Green was like, hey, it's me, Bruce Greenwood. And the kid's like, Daddy.
Starting point is 00:42:07 Yeah. And she's like, oh, Adameth Kish gives the grace, like, eat, oh, deep, don't dive on the phone with the lady we fucked over. Yeah, it's kind of great. It is because she's kind of like, like she's looking at Bruce Greenwood, and she's sort of, like, you know, not speaking it, but just miming like, Libby is on the phone. And the kid goes, Daddy. And look, and here's the, Bruce Greenwood is just to pick up the phone and be,
Starting point is 00:42:33 first of all, we're going to find out later that he's a master of accents. And he's, uh, he's an accent enthusiast. Oh, yeah, it's me, Barry. I'm not, Nick, Nick is dead. He's so dead. It's me, Barry. Bye now. Bye, ma-bar.
Starting point is 00:42:48 He's like, he's underneath Hugh Grant and Paddington, too. he's not even that good oh Steve I just realized the prison trope that does happen in this movie around now when she's starting to plot revenge she starts to work out a lot she does yes
Starting point is 00:43:04 well the other thing too is the address so like we said they're sort of like you know up in up in Washington State they've moved to San Francisco and she's like why would you move and not tell me and again Annabeth Gish
Starting point is 00:43:20 very bad at the lying right here. Yeah, well, we were, yeah, you know. Well, how about just be like, I adopted this boy and you were a felon? Goodbye. Dude, also, if you fake your own
Starting point is 00:43:38 death and frame your, if you fake your own death and frame your wife for the murder, and then you're going to run off with your son that you have with that woman and this woman you've been fucking on the side. Don't just move, like, you know, a day's trip away. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:43:59 You move to Spain, dude. Move to Spain. Also, did you talk about this at all? And he acts like, I don't think he's even been, like, reading up about how the trial's going. He just actually, he's like, did we ever, like, say, like, maybe don't say dad, like me and the kid, me and Maddie, we're going to talk and say, don't say Daddy anymore. Call me this thing. Say Barry. Hello. My name is Barry. That kid is ruined. Yeah, for sure.
Starting point is 00:44:26 That kid's so fucked up. He's moving around and murdering women. And like, when he offs Angie and they're living in Colorado, he allowed, like, she is often such in a spectacular fashion that it's all over the newspapers. You can't
Starting point is 00:44:42 have that. Yeah, dude. I mean, the thing is, he's escalating. and he's getting out of control, he's getting too cocky. Well, that's, like, Annabeth Gish could have just said, like, oh, that's, you know, he calls my, my boyfriend, Daddy. Exactly. You could have gotten out of this so easily, but, like, actually, Judge smells Bruce Greenwood through the telephone, it seems like. And she hang, they hang up the phone and like, bye, bye, prank caller, prank caller. You can't do that.
Starting point is 00:45:07 You got to, like, smooth it out a little bit. Exactly. So six years go by, and she gets her parole hearing. And again, Roma Mafia is like, you got to tell them all this, you know, shit, just lie to them so you can get your parole. She does. And it is fucking time to kill. It's kind of funny because, like, Roma Mafia is like, yeah, I used to be a lawyer. And here's how you can fucking totally kill this guy.
Starting point is 00:45:31 And it's like, I don't know that I'd be giving out that advice, man. Because if she does it and she gets caught and it gets, you know, like again goes to another trial, it's like somewhere in that discussion, it could come up like, well, my friend. prison totally. And then you could get totally screwed over. I mean, it sounds like Roman Mafia might have killed a few people. Few husbands, maybe. Who knows? She's not going anywhere. When Ashley Judd is checking into the halfway house with
Starting point is 00:45:56 Tommy Lee Jones, they are strapping Roma Mafia into an electric chair. And she's like, well, no, I had double jabberty. Like, that's not a real thing. Here's your lethal injection. Oh, could you tell Libby? Oh, I'm dead. You're killed.
Starting point is 00:46:14 18 people, ma'am. They're not all double jeopardy. So, yeah, we go to she moves into a halfway house. It is run by Tommy Lee Jones. Halfway House, all for women, led by Tommy Lee Jones, which it leads me to believe that this movie is
Starting point is 00:46:32 like a spiritual prequel to, what was that movie, Man of the House? What was that movie where he was like in the sorority for some reason? That is indeed man of the house. Well, I didn't, I never saw that. Chris Cabin. It sounds like you're an expert. I think, like, there's a stalker who is, like, trying to get one of the girls... But he's just, like, the university deputizes him as lady protector?
Starting point is 00:46:55 He's a... He's a Texas, I think. He's a Texas ranger. Yes. And he's assigned to, like, oh, no, you know what it is? Cabin? Some of the girls in the sorority house or whatever, they're, like, cheerleaders or something. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:07 They witness somebody get killed. Ah, that's it, yes. And so he's, like, protecting them kind of a thing. Okay, so it wasn't like, hey, kids, I'm here on a... Anti-rayed protection. I will make sure it doesn't happen. No, definitely not. But I do believe Tommy Lee Jones
Starting point is 00:47:21 roller skates in that movie. To be clear, that whole movie is, oh, geez, makeup? Well, I don't know about that. Oh, gee, fancy drinks. Well, I don't know about that. Hold on, you're wearing a pink shirt, huh? What will they think of next?
Starting point is 00:47:40 I don't care who you are. That's funny. So he's like, you know, giving her the low down and it's like you know no fucking around in here you're going to go get some gainful employment curfews at 830 you know don't don't fuck around
Starting point is 00:47:54 in my halfway house is the basic gist here he's got some great sideburns here I'm a real fan of this hair I like this haircut it's a bad movie smart haircut I feel like those sideburns like he's looking at himself with a mirror and he's like I don't know Tom you're getting awful close looking like a hippie
Starting point is 00:48:11 trim those sideburns He had to do something to make himself not look exactly like Sam Gerard, who he's essentially playing in this movie. He's exactly playing. If Sam Gerard fucking bottomed out and was just working at this halfway house as like a parole officer. I'm now just a top. Yes. I am all bottomed out. It is top from here on out.
Starting point is 00:48:35 Sam Gerard got like a bunch of deweys. And now his wife, like, I don't know. Does he have a wife? I don't think he has a wife in the future. no yeah he's a single gentleman i believe because his wife uh leman is his name in this yeah yes and his wife has left him and he doesn't talk to his daughter who is grown up it seems is like a teenager at least what's funny i was unclear if they were dead or not oh yeah no because there's some back and forth between some women at the halfway house like telling the tale of tommy lee jones
Starting point is 00:49:06 that was ridiculous yeah and one lady's like oh yeah he was he got a dewey but he fucking killed his family and then like in a car accident the lady there's another lady that's like no no no that's not what happened uh he got the dewy and then she the wife like left him and like bankrupted him or something like that yeah okay um guess what it comes to nothing he never hear about it again yeah yeah it doesn't matter but the only thing is like well the it matters in so far as the lady's like and and he never saw his child again so like that's why a motivation later in yeah the movie like when he's helping her and it's also very important to know
Starting point is 00:49:47 that he is doing he's a an ex-law professor FYI oh yeah a lot of law professors where you wouldn't think they'd be in this movie prison
Starting point is 00:49:59 halfway houses well Roma Mafia says that she was a straight up a lawyer at one point yes if you're a lawyer law professor don't you have to be a lawyer yeah I guess you're probably right But maybe not practicing, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:50:15 Yeah, in 1999, when they heard, wait, a lawyer in jail? Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's not the bottom of the ocean, but it's a start. Absolutely. So it's her, like, first day out in the public world, and she goes to the library to try to find her kid, or Angie specifically trying to find a trace of Angie. and this
Starting point is 00:50:43 fucking serial killer walks up to her and it's one of those crazy things where it's like oh I've been in jail for so long that like the internet was invented
Starting point is 00:50:51 and I don't really know how to use it which is always a fascinating thing when I see that in stories of any kind so she's like kind of staring at this computer and this guy comes up
Starting point is 00:51:00 like oh you need a little help there oh by the way nice shampoo the nice shampoo is a lot I mean like here's the thing guys out there and ladies who might try to use this move, but I think this is a strictly
Starting point is 00:51:14 dude move. If you're like oh, nice shampoo, you're given away that you're just smelling someone. Yeah, yeah. And nobody wants to know from a stranger that they've been getting whiffed. Oh, hey, cool sneakers. I love Converse. Awesome.
Starting point is 00:51:30 Anyways, something. Even if it's a thing where it's like a totally like it's a Garnier fructee sour apple shit that you can smell across the library, you just don't say it. I don't want be told that I'm getting sniffed. Nobody wants to know that you like their hair smelled. Nobody wants to know that you think their tutsies are cute. Keep it on
Starting point is 00:51:50 covert mode, everybody. Private browsing. Nice shampoo. Is that a jolly rancher? Sour apple? Anyway, he follows it up with the creepy line of let's do some surfing. Oh, wow, I missed that one. Yeah, dude, web surfing. Hey, hey lady. You know you could get poured on this, huh? Yeah. You can get pouring on this. No, let me show you where there's porn on this. Here we go. Oh, man. Doesn't she look delicious? Got some sweet hair sniffing vids. Hey, before I leave, could I just get some of your hair real quick? Just to just cut out the middleman here. I don't want to pluck it from your head
Starting point is 00:52:30 accidentally. Look, I don't want to lie to you, lady. I just need to lock your hair to tie around my dick while I jerk off, okay? I brought my own scissors. Here we go. I thought I'd save you the trouble. I brought my own scissors. Yeah, nobody wants to know the smell move. Like, the smell move is like you've had sex with somebody. Ooh, did you change your shampoo? That's when you can bring it up. I really feel. Totally. Not the first time you are saying something to a person. My favorite. So the thing in this, what I really got stuck in Becraw about the prison stuff is because in this scene, she says, you know, like, I wasn't in some like honky tonk jail. I was in prison. And I'm like, you weren't in the riot from natural born killers. You were fucking bunking with
Starting point is 00:53:09 your two best friends in a happy place. Sure, but just the difference of like a jail is like where the drunk tank is kind of a thing. Or like holding or something. Yeah, exactly. I mean, if it's for six years, who's in a drunk tank for six years? Exactly. That's why it's Rush Limbaugh. But that's why it's prison. That's why she's saying I was in prison. I wasn't like, I didn't get arrested for public urination and spent the night in a cell. I was in fucking prison for several years. That's the distinction. But you have to know that this side, that's just going to turn this guy on more. Yeah. I mean, look at his face. Look at
Starting point is 00:53:45 what we're doing there. Yeah, but this guy, so this guy, you know, he's like, they go on the Northwest Lib link by the way, which is, I guess, for a library link, but I was just sort of like, Lebs. Oh yeah, we're going to get on the Lib link. Is this where you're going to see? That's they called Twitter. Is this
Starting point is 00:54:01 where you're going to see all the cannibalism and pedophilia? Oh, shit. Dude. Nice. What's that URL? Let me write it down real quick. It is kind of a weird thing, though. It's like, oh, yeah, here's, like, the directory of teachers in Washington
Starting point is 00:54:16 State, and you can check and see if someone is a certified educator. Is that a real thing? I'm sure it's not. Okay, fair enough. I really got it. So, yeah, she gets the guy out of her hair by being, like, because he's like,
Starting point is 00:54:32 oh, you want to go get a drink after this? Yeah, after our fucking sexy ass library research. And she's oh no you know I was in prison I was a convicted of murdering my husband and the guy's like have a nice day slice and dice is what the newspaper described oh right yeah wouldn't she be sort of famous like you know what I mean just a little bit like one of those things like you know what I mean like a you should be on like date line and shit you know what I mean yeah I think you're right Steve but I feel like if you were just like to see one of those people in public sure you might not put the face to the crime necessary it's
Starting point is 00:55:08 not like it's fucking O.J. Simpson. People were still watching hard copy though, right? Well, yeah. Was hard copy still around in 1999? Maybe not in 99, but I feel like when this was like being made at least. Would have it. Inside edition, yeah. But like, you know, maybe it was local news covered it and this dude's just there for college and he just got there. It has been six years. You want like, I couldn't remember anyone that died six years ago. I don't care if their family. Well, Steve, like, I mean, this, this is a bad example because this woman got off when she definitely shouldn't have. But, like, if you had to look at a police lineup,
Starting point is 00:55:42 could you identify Casey Anthony? Oh, I have no idea. Yeah, that's fair. You know what I mean? So, like, yeah, Eric's right. Like, six years have passed. They fucking forgot this lady. There's been so many more high-profile murders.
Starting point is 00:55:53 Also, by the way, Casey, call me for that drink. Oh, man. So she looks it up and oops. Her name's like Angie Green or some horseshit. There's a million of them. She's like, oh, that was a waste of time. Right, yeah. and she finds there's a scene of Tommy Lee Jones kicking this other woman out of
Starting point is 00:56:12 and again Tom Lee Jones first built in this movie doesn't show up for a half hour and like it's an Ashley Judd movie I mean it's obviously I feel like this should even be an and Tommy Lee Jones scenario how little he's in it absolutely it's insane yeah I think I clocked it it's like 33 minutes until he comes into the film this was 100% of victory lap movie where like he was offered an insane amount of money to do it he got paid 10 million for this movie. Just to do, and he has like, I'm not like maybe 20 minutes
Starting point is 00:56:40 ultimately. You told it it all up. Yeah. I mean, because so much of this movie is just her doing the legwork, trying to track down Bruce Greenwood. Yeah. So, uh, it's fucking. It's insane. It's shitty, dude. He's kicking this woman out for, uh, apparently she used to be a prostitute and it seems like she's going back to her old ways. Yeah. Kind of a thing is like, where you are, I tried a McDonald's and a green fishnatch. And it's like, oh, no, that's the craziest thing. He's judging it.
Starting point is 00:57:05 she's like I was at work and he's like oh yeah you're going to McDonald's wearing those fishnets stuff so like fucking totally trashing the fact that she works at a McDonald's like pretty cool so yeah that this is the part where because when he's kicking this woman out he's being really nasty about it and this is where the two other ladies
Starting point is 00:57:23 like give the backstory about him getting the Dewey and he's divorced and lost his child and all that stuff and she's like all right that's cool that inspires me to break into my child's former school and try to check down Annabeth Gish's fucking you know transfer records or
Starting point is 00:57:39 whatever she actually calls some lady there first trying to get it naturally like where's my kid and this lady's like you know it's been six years maybe you should just never see your child again it's such an insane thing she's like she's like now look at it
Starting point is 00:57:55 this way Ashley Judd like it's been six years do you really just want to drop in on your son now wouldn't you rather go the rest of your life without seeing you. I mean, like, yeah, if it was like your ex-girlfriend, your ex-boyfriend, sure, six years is like, maybe let it go.
Starting point is 00:58:12 It's your child. Yeah, it's insane. And that's, I feel like there's maybe a deleted plot thread where it's like this school administrator, that terrible lawyer, like, they're all on Bruce Greenwood's payroll. Yeah, what is, yeah, what is the argument here? Like, yes, just let this national scandal go on and maybe, you know what, maybe you could die. Maybe you could find a lake, put rocks you around.
Starting point is 00:58:35 your ankles and die, so that we could all just keep on doing what we're doing here. Like, what the fuck was your argument? I think it's just, she's trying to pull some crap about, like, privacy or something. But it does not hold water, man. Tell me where my kid is. So she winds up breaking into this thing. I guess the school is located on the dunes. I don't know what is going on.
Starting point is 00:58:57 Yeah, well, these, like, weird islands out there in Washington State, man, Chelsea and I went to a couple of them a few years ago. It's some weird isolated shit. some cases, so, like, I'd believe it. But she's foiled by the two clumbiziest cops I've ever seen. This guy cannot stand
Starting point is 00:59:16 up straight. Dude, I think these people are policing Keystone County with these cops. I mean, also, Ashley Judd is doing a terrible job breaking into this place. This is insane. The cops show up, and she's upstairs, and she's, like, just, like, rattling a couple of keys together to try to open a
Starting point is 00:59:31 fucking goddamn file. I think she's nervous. I think it was. idea. And when the cups, when she opens the shades to see that the cops are, guess what she does? She turns on a light to let them know she's there. Yeah, bad move. Bad move, Ashley Judd. Totally bad move there. It's
Starting point is 00:59:47 a sad. Just hide somewhere. That's why she needed to go to a real prison to learn really how to break into places as opposed to this Mickey Mouse horseshit, dude. That's fair. That's fair. You get more like, you know, on the job training and shit. Exactly. Excuse me, Warden. You know, I'm really trying to get the most
Starting point is 01:00:03 out of my prison experience. Could you send me to, like, a really hard-hitting institution? I really want to learn the ins and outs of being, like, a real super criminal. They'll teach you TVVCR repair or lockpicking. No, actually, Chad, you know, yeah, I'm a lawyer, so I know, I know the criminal mine as well. The best thing to do when you're breaking in is to make as much noise as possible and flashlights on and off. It's the best thing to do in that case. So this is when she starts running around.
Starting point is 01:00:31 This guy falls through a window or something. and then the high speed dune chase I'm waiting for fucking sandworm to get this lady oh that would have been cool dude all of a sudden this movie's like a mystical like sci-fi horror fantasy thing I'm into it you know if Bruce Willis like isn't a car exit he's the lead of a movie
Starting point is 01:00:50 and he's in a car exit where the fucking Jeep flips like seven times total rollover here almost goes into the ocean like I might believe he can get out of that and start running after this dude but these two fucking donuts coming out and chasing after her I'm like give me a fucking break
Starting point is 01:01:08 you are totally right Chris I had the exact same thought because these two guys get out of this and like the shot is like and action and these two guys like crawl out of this thing totally fine like no way at least the one dude like because we've met this cutter guy before so his partner that dude should at least be like knocked unconscious
Starting point is 01:01:27 or something sure and then like she they catch her like oh what were you doing and they put her in jail and then, like, Tomlin Jones, like, hey, you violated parole, hip, hip, hip, and it's like, sure, but you also committed another crime. We got a fresh set of crimes right here. We got a B&E, we got evading arrest.
Starting point is 01:01:45 Assaulted a police officer, probably, because they always stick you with that bullshit. Of course. Oh, yeah, dude, if you're being arrested, you fucking fart. It's like, oh, yeah, you assaulted me with your fucking buttwind. Yeah, I was arresting, you were talking about late period, Seinfeld. Oh, that's assault.
Starting point is 01:02:02 That's assault. do not bring up the Puerto Rican Day Parade episode to me oh no no damn it I was right I was about to do it and then I hesitated and I'm glad you took to get ran with it Steve there is a great I think it's Tommy Lee Jones one of his greatest deliveries of all time
Starting point is 01:02:23 up there with like I don't care like up there is he's just like you fucking idiot he just calls her a fucking idiot this movie It's great. Because they're driving back to the halfway house and we're on a ferry. And this is when she's like, oh, is that your daughter, you piece of shit? And he's like, you know what? I don't need this shit.
Starting point is 01:02:47 I'm going up top. I'm a bad parole officer. I'm like, dude, I know that like she's psychologically abusing you. Just sit there and take it. Yeah. Why don't you stop being such a fucking baby? The fact that he handcuffs her to the car and is like, now you stay there. Okay, my keys, wait, let me make sure they're firmly in the ignition.
Starting point is 01:03:06 Total fucking boomer move, dude. I never leave my keys in the ignition. Let me make sure I got my escape kit underneath the car window here. Okay, I got my knives all under here. They're just here, Ashley, Jed, before I go get a drink, just in case you were wandering. Oh, you better believe he's boozing up the coffee he gets on this ferry, though, Chris. You know what, you can talk about my daughter all you want. Do not talk about that episode where Newman wants to eat Kramer because he smells like turkey.
Starting point is 01:03:31 It's stupid. It's just stupid. I can't handle it. Oh, the butter shave. I love it. Yeah, I like it. I do. I do. It's just kind of dumb. It's kind of, it's one of, it's one of those things where if you just accept that from season seven onto the rest of the show, it's just a completely absurd different show. Yes.
Starting point is 01:03:49 Totally fine. It actually reminds me of my policy about the final two seasons of, well, what were the final two seasons of the X-Files when Annabeth Gish and Robert Patrick come on, if you just again pretend like that's not the show you've loved for several years but a different show that's kind of the same it still works it's kind of a spin off almost at that exactly yeah yeah it's like Golden Palace
Starting point is 01:04:12 X Miles golden golden palace so she's like okay cool I am going to start up this car and try to jam the handle of the door against this pole that's outside to break it up because he cuffs her to the handle of the door
Starting point is 01:04:30 trying to break it open to escape Bruce Beresford has to have like a DJ on this boat or something to have me believe that nobody's hearing these crunching cars exactly it's so dumb no one sees a hatchback go over the top dude like what are you talking about I don't know how anyone didn't everyone missed that you know what it's kind of like the core joke where the guys got the headphones and the and the fucking airplane is almost about to go up his butt like it's it's that except it's like some guy there. He's like, what was that? I never mind it. I'm not going to turn around. That's too much exercise. You know what, though? I appreciate the hustle here because Tommy Lee Jones is like, you know what? I'm kind of at work here, but I might be able to get some day drinking in. I might be able to get a little lid. Gotta sneak it in. Do well, because he's like, all right, so this ferry ride's going to take five minutes. Let me just put this belt of scotch in my coffee and chug it really fast. Well, I'm going to tell the captain of the ship here that I am an armed
Starting point is 01:05:29 working for the where does he was he I think he just works for this halfway house but isn't he like he's a parole officer yeah so I guess you work for Washington state whatever yeah like I'm going to tell the captain I'm an on parole officer and I'm here with somebody then I'm taking back to prison
Starting point is 01:05:47 but first a little drinkie pie and then I'll get right to that and they'll understand what's going on I'm going to use my pull as an agent of the parole board to go up and ask this captain to slow down this very ride a little bit. Really
Starting point is 01:06:02 soak up all the great fairyness we have right here. I need the booze. He's just drinking, looking at the water. You know, honestly, at least you're not the Seinfeld Chronicles episode. Like, pre-Alane, that's bullshit. I'll tell
Starting point is 01:06:17 you a character I can get behind is Elaine's father. Now, that is a guy that your heart just goes out to immediately. Could not have more Lawrence Tierney on that show. What do you do to Jerry Seinfeld? Oh, that's hilarious. That's great. Sometimes I just think about Lawrence Tierney pulling a knife on Jerry Seinfeld and laugh and laugh. It's good. So yeah, the car fucking goes
Starting point is 01:06:45 off the ferry, the first one, and then like finally he notices what's going on and runs down and like tries to like stop her. And then they all go off in his car. They're like fighting in the fucking car and then he's like trying to get the handcuffs off. It's like let's go to hell tonight. What they don't show is him definitely putting his drink down and putting like a little piece of paper on top of it like I'm coming a real I'm coming back
Starting point is 01:07:12 for this move. Nobody touched this boozed up coffee I have. Or actually he should be like oh shit and then chugs it. Yes that's the move. I will say this movie looks mostly fine but the fake car sinking to the bottom I didn't need that shot.
Starting point is 01:07:27 That looks like crap. When they swim away from it, especially. That's really bad. Trash. Yep. Yep. So she escapes. She knocks him on the head with his own gun, which again, like, dude, you are losing
Starting point is 01:07:40 your job. This dude sucks. So he's bleeding and stuff. So he has to like not, you know, he doesn't catch her. She swims across because, again, she's gotten, like, really fit in prison. There's a dumbass thing here that comes to nothing and they make such a big deal out of it where like a little boy sees her swimming away. and I feel like you at least need a two-second thing
Starting point is 01:08:01 of the little boy being like, she went that way, Tommy Lee Jones. Yes. Well, that would be if, like, if you had told the captain or any of the staff that, like, you have a prisoner with you, like, they might have followed her and been like, call the cops
Starting point is 01:08:15 and fucking go and meet her on the other side of the fucking lake. Yeah, that's true. It's like, do you have to announce, like, when you're doing a prisoner transport like that? I think you have to. If you're getting somebody who is, like, author parole like that. And a murderer. A former murderer.
Starting point is 01:08:31 Also just don't leave this woman in a car like a dog you don't care about. Keep in mind there are like cheap books being written about this woman and her fucking murder. Like airport novels. Oh, definitely. What happens after this is like she goes and visits her
Starting point is 01:08:46 mother and gets a bunch of fucking money that it was hidden in the tomato plants. Yeah. We need the first half of this conversation. Yes. Yeah. Where like she shows up and it's like mom and i'm in trouble here you know yada yada there's a line earlier in the film when she she has um angie there take the the kid she's like i can't have my parents raising this it seems like there's a lot of bad blood and then she just shows up and her mom
Starting point is 01:09:14 is like oh hey i thought you'd come for some tomato money someday here's a sack of tomato money there's all this money i hit under the tomatoes the only thing they really do to suggest what bad happened before is like I guess her dad she's like your dad's outplayed jit so he must have been an owning mahoney type situation yeah the dad's a degenerate gambler and actually judge just tried to be like look I get no thrill from this I can't stand seeing you throw away our savings but I guess it kind of ties into that's why this old woman was burying money underneath tomato plants so this dude doesn't gamble it away playing gin it's tomato money man you just you just put it aside
Starting point is 01:09:56 for when you need tomatoes there's always money in the tomato plants exactly and here's something so you get all this money cool first things fucking first get a haircut dye your motherfucking hair
Starting point is 01:10:12 it's driving me crazy in this movie yep like Ashley Judd is not that actually remarkable like you wouldn't be like what does she look like you know what I mean it's not if she dyed her hair put on some sunglasses is, you would never fucking find this lady. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe she just didn't find her look, Steve.
Starting point is 01:10:30 Yeah, that's fair. But it's just kind of funny because, like, she comes up with all of these really, like, creative ways to get information. Like, in the next thing, she goes to a car dealership, and she's like, oh, I'm looking to buy this BMW, like, yeah, run my credit or whatever. And she's given Annabeth Gish's name, you know, as the person so she can get the ad. Like, that's pretty creative. Yeah, sure.
Starting point is 01:10:53 So it's like, you'd think if you can come up with that shit, you can come up with, oh, I should probably get a haircut. Blonde hair, great idea. And it's like, the whole thing comes back. It's like, oh, no, Angela Ryder, Evergreen, Colorado. Why are you buying a car out here in California or wherever the fuck they are? Washington at this point? Washington, yeah. And she just, like, walks out of the dealership, like, thank you very much.
Starting point is 01:11:17 At this point, Tom Lee Jones is, like, kind of getting dressed out by his boss. Like, will you drink? He's like, no. I can smell it through the phone, Tommy Lee Jones. This guy, Carl, who is odd, like, has some of, like, my favorite lines are, like, after the fucking crash on the ferry, Carl comes and meets him, and he's like, God, this is just fucking great. This is fucking great, Lehman. It's like, lay off me, Carl, okay? Fuck off, Carl.
Starting point is 01:11:42 Okay, Carl. I don't need this shit. My truck's down to the bottom of the lake now, Carl, okay? Carl. So's my drink. God dang it. God dang it. My flask fell out of my, I mean.
Starting point is 01:11:53 Nope, never mind. Definitely not drinking at work. So your department owes me a new gun and a new flask. So he goes to try to find Ashley Judd by going to a credit union where this woman who used to be, I guess, under his supervision at the halfway house, like has a job. And she's like, dude, I can't give out that personal information like that. And he goes, okay, yeah, that's totally fine. does your current employer know that you used to perform Fallatio for a living?
Starting point is 01:12:25 And it's like the tiniest little cubicle of like three or four people and they're all like Wait, what did that guy just say about you? And also like now I'm definitely not giving you the information. The move is be like
Starting point is 01:12:36 I can blow you, I can tell everybody what you used to do. Like that's sort of something. It's like you're robbing a bank, dude. It's like you lean over the counter it's like, I'll tell everyone that you used to suck cock for money. See, I think he's just
Starting point is 01:12:50 doing this willy-nilly. He's got somebody who's not working at Wendy's and wants a free spicy chicken sandwich and is telling the kid who's manning the frosting machine about all the hand jobs she gave back in the day. You're afraid you're going to lose this job? Go back to the blow job.
Starting point is 01:13:07 You could give me two spicy chicken patties and I could walk away. Such a told me that that job sucked. Come on. A double-decker. A double-decker chicken spicy. Make it all go away. Ooh, a double-decker dude, yeah.
Starting point is 01:13:23 This fine boy, man in the frost machine doesn't have to hear about the gargling of balls. Listen, the Wendy's Corporation does not let us put two patties on top of each other for the spicy chicken sandwich. It's too sinful. It can't be done. With that milkshake, the last time you held a flask of white, that... It was calm.
Starting point is 01:13:42 I'm getting that calm. This joke's falling apart, but it's... You know, dude, now you're getting lazy. You can't just say, I couldn't finish my job. but it was come the entire time. It happens. Yeah, it does happen. It does happen.
Starting point is 01:13:57 So she goes to the house in Colorado that was listed on the ye old credit check. And this kid answers the door. And she's like, oh, my God, is this my son? And then it turns out to be a different family. The woman's like, oh, we just moved in. Why don't you ask the kindly old lady next door? She's lived here for 40 years. The crank gossip across the street will definitely tell you what's going to happen here.
Starting point is 01:14:18 And man, this is where shit really heats up. pun intended because the old lady's like, oh yeah. Oh, Angie. Oh, it was so sad. She died in a gas explosion. She's like, blew my windows out. Also, like you, these other family moved into the explosion house. I bet they got a good ass deal. Yeah, I guess. It was like a cartoon. There's like a big black sit spot. Like, well, we'll build our house here. Oh, you see that stain on the carpet there? That's where her shadow was burned into the floor. I'm not telling you, burnt. chunks of Angie just in my lawn. Well, I guess also we, you know, you sort of realize that it's Bruce Greenwood that
Starting point is 01:14:57 probably had to sell that house. So like he probably paid to have it fixed up. Oh, sure. You know, no one was the wiser. He's a good guy. She mentions, oh, poor Simon and Maddie. Oh, they weren't there. So Simon was his pseudonym in Colorado. This guy is fucking nuts. This is a fucking dateline special I want to watch, dude. I'll tell you. Yes, I want to know how he did it. Like, how is he falsifying all this in new documents new social security numbers potentially this is exactly what like he is Joan Cusack and Adam's family values that's who he is and you've just got to like put it in there
Starting point is 01:15:32 and that would be cool I would like watching like that would give me a little less timely Jones because he comes to nothing in this movie more of like Bruce Greenwood on the grift you know what I mean like well that's a good call dude because like there's not I mean you watch the trailer alone and the whole movie's fucking spoiled for you but the movie itself lets you in pretty quickly that Bruce Greenwood is still alive, right? Like you see him walk into that apartment. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:15:57 Toot sweet, you know. But the trailer, thank you for pointing that out, includes Ashley Judd pointing a gun at him at the end in New Orleans, literally the fucking end of the movie. Dude, it's the footage from the parlor scene. You can't do that. It's really, really bad. But it would be kind of cool if you see him like,
Starting point is 01:16:14 he's got a guy that does the documents for him, kind of a thing. Exactly. I'm coming back, Louie, you know, sorry. This is how you get the no neck lawyer guy, like you expose his criminal network that's allowing him, that's helping him that is mutually beneficial. You're totally right, dude. There needs to be a quick montage at the end of this movie of like, that guy, the lady administrator from the elementary school, they're all getting put in handcuffs. Like the fucking, the bald cop cutter from the beginning, like that guy should be seen putting them in the fucking squad car. Like the whole network goes down.
Starting point is 01:16:48 You do a quick flashback and cutters the dude like helping him off the boat or something because you never actually know how he gets out of that situation. That's what's missing from that parlor scene is Bruce Greenwood explaining how he did the whole thing and like you get flashback sequences of him like putting the fucking
Starting point is 01:17:07 you know his blood on the boat and jumping off and Annabeth Gish is maybe in like a boat next to them or something. You know it would be better is 20 minutes of when the saints come marching in. instead that's what the movie does get me some st james infirmary baby that's what i want that's that that's the song i don't think when the saints go watching it is in this movie that dude cutter though like goes to the links of like that water is so cold this time of night like there's no way he could
Starting point is 01:17:34 live it's just weird that he's like covering for him it's just yeah i don't get it either like it would be it would be cooler it's just like that way like you get like processed stuff like the fugitive kind of you know what i mean like swam in that cold water i mean you never know you don't know i mean that's why i'm assuming like that's that's another dude who you could get in on the whole thing by the way the guy who owns this boat oh yeah he comes up in like another boat that he owns like hop on bruce greenwood we're getting out of here boat people notorious criminals all exactly but that's why they're always sailing out to international waters dude uh one guy who's definitely hit on it is this fucking ridiculous british guy i get this guy
Starting point is 01:18:13 out of my movie. What, the gallery guy? The gallery owner. He's just like, oh, hello. Oh, you want to Kandinsky. Interesting. Hello. Let me just, oh, I'm a bit of butterfingers on my compact computer. Was it a compact? It certainly was.
Starting point is 01:18:29 Let me put these blood diamonds away. It's 1999. So it's either a compact or a fucking gateway. Remember gateway computers? I never had a gateway. I didn't have one. The cow, dude. The cow theme.
Starting point is 01:18:43 Yeah. Eric knows that I'm talking about. Was that also the dude you're getting... No, that's a Dell. That's a Dell. You were getting a Dell. You are getting a Dell. I'm sorry the results have come back and you've got Dell. Oh, son of a bitch of Windows operating system. God damn it.
Starting point is 01:18:59 Ah, God. So yeah, she pulls over to this art gallery in town in this sleepy Colorado town. And she's like, excuse me, do you have any paintings by the world famous Vasily Kandinsky? And the guy's like, I don't know, man. there's a lot of paintings of fucking like bears and lakes around here. You see where you are? Lighthouses, that's what I got. That's what I'm moving this week.
Starting point is 01:19:21 Exactly. It's the Colorado Rockies Gallery. I have a lot of interesting portraits of famous people, Frank Sinatra, Marilyn Monroe. Oh, here's the Goodfellas playing poker together. Perhaps I could interest you in a Scarface. This is Tony, this is Tony Soprano in Heaven with with all the guys
Starting point is 01:19:44 from Goodfellas. Oh, Jesus. I hate those things, man. No. Seen most recently with the fucking passing of Chadwick Bozeman. Oh, here's Black Panther meeting Stan Lee at the pearly gate. God, what would they even talk about? So, yeah, she's like,
Starting point is 01:20:02 hey, I really need to buy a Kandinsky. You know, it's got to be from his, you know, blue, not his blue period, but blue, whatever that Kandinsky had going on. you know something around like 1911 blah blah blah she finds the exact painting that bruce greenwood had that he used to fucking cock block that guy at the beginning of the movie and she's like oh you know could you please find out who sold it and he's like oh yeah so ding dong to tami lee jones is at the door so she checks out like this dude goes to the door of the gallery
Starting point is 01:20:32 because timely jones has seen uh the truck that she stole like out front or something and um so she checks like the provenance of the painting and finds like the sale history and it's john devereux oh jonathan devereux and listing of course in new orleans the big easy baby and this is this is kind of a great move here because she slips out the back door and to like park to like block her in like block that truck in suspecting that it's her truck that she stole and she just smashes this thing to pieces it's kind of awesome Ridiculous. The whole car like flips over. Speaking of the MCU, I thought we were in it.
Starting point is 01:21:16 Well, it's like, now, now, all right, now you owe me two cars. God damn it, another car. Let me get my notebook, y'all. Okay, that's two cars, a flask. Let me see here. Oh, man, my Jim Beam was in there. All right, now Jim Beam as well. Whole bottle, double size. So he's always on a trail, right? Because now he finds out, like, through that art dealer, okay, New Orleans.
Starting point is 01:21:40 Yep. She flies to New Orleans, which I feel bad move. Yeah. That's a bad move. It was 1999, dude. All you got to do is a fucking spit on your hand and shake the fucking TSA agent. Shake the head of the TSA agent. You're getting out of plane. That's true. Was there even TSA back then? I don't even know. I mean, I like, yeah, they had the same. They weren't as emboldened to be pieces of shit as they are now. But they were also. like playing patty cake most of the time they weren't like handling your junk drugs and guns and shit you could just fly with well it's just it was the metal detector like if you could pass the metal detector that was it you cracked it that's it yeah you got it i do yeah so the first act of this
Starting point is 01:22:27 movie is it's important to realize it's you know it's setting up the the murder and the second act is all about her uh escaping and the and the trail to find bruce greenwood the third act is New Orleans, baby. The fucking craziest change in a movie I've ever seen in my life. It's weird, man. And, you know, I'll tell you, I've never had the privilege yet of visiting New Orleans. Great city. It's great city.
Starting point is 01:22:53 It's one of those towns, right, where it's like you cannot just have New Orleans show up in the third act. Because it completely changes the entire look, sound, and attitude of your motion picture. Also, Ashley Judd is seen on Bourbon Street and she's not holding her nose closed the whole time, which is, you know, it just stuck out to me. I'm going to, you know, I don't want to talk about reality and movies and stuff, but it stuck out to me. I mean, is that where they dump all the shit into the street? I mean, it smells like piss, shit and fucking vomit all the time. It's a college party as a street. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:23:30 Yeah. That's pretty cool. So this is the big easy, and I was wondering now, like, it's about time we made a big hard. Oh, okay. What would that be? I don't know. It's got to be maybe near the Gulf of Mexico as well, but it's got to be like, I don't know you get punched in the face when you show up.
Starting point is 01:23:48 What would make it hard? Oh, you know what? The big hard could be. It could be that abandoned BP oil rig where the spill happened. Yeah, that's our pirate fucking island. We're called the Big Hard. That's a place where you can fucking frame your wife for murder.
Starting point is 01:24:06 and nobody will care. Down here on the big heart. Oh, yeah, it's a big heart. I do think, but it's like having, but I do think you can just go to New Orleans and be cool about it. You know what I mean? Like you sort of see,
Starting point is 01:24:21 you establish Bourbon Street, maybe blah, blah, blah, blah. You go to, you're in a jazz club, but it's not too overbearing. But it's like the end of the movie. If it's like, we're in New York, let's go to Times Square and hit, they get a Broadway show.
Starting point is 01:24:32 Oh, here's a, my name is Tony Pizza Pie. it's too much with the New Orleans. I thought they were going to run through a restaurant and have like Emerald be scared. Like at one point it was that close. Dude, it would be fucking hilarious if that happened and then like, you know, she runs out in the
Starting point is 01:24:49 street and like Tommy Lee Jones is chasing her. He fucking fires off a gun and Emerald's like, bam! I heard a bam. Bam, baby dead. I like this. So yeah, she goes down there looking for him
Starting point is 01:25:03 as Jonathan Devereaux. She gets an address and the address is like a swank hotel. So she goes to like another or she goes in there at first, right? And she's like looking for him and the lady's like at the desk. He's like, oh, well he'll be back tonight
Starting point is 01:25:18 for the big party or whatever. This is a mistake on your part, dude. Again, get the fuck out of the country. A, you have to be aware that your ex-wife is paroled and also missing. You got to keep tabs on the people you're fucking over.
Starting point is 01:25:31 You know what I mean? Yeah, well, Steve, you, You compared this character to Joan Cusack in Adam's family. That was Chris, but yes. Oh, sorry. No, sorry. It's just so much sexy sounds in my ears. I can't even fucking tell.
Starting point is 01:25:46 But, like, in that, that character is, you know, she's like laying low. She's changing identity. She's staying under the radar. She's definitely changing her hair. All of that shit. Bruce Greenwood is like the toast of the town. He's doing Bachelor auctions for himself. Like, do not do this.
Starting point is 01:26:03 And everybody fucking knows Jonathan Devereux. Several women have slept with Jonathan Devereaux at this point. No, no, no, no, egg lawyer. You don't understand how I'm going to do this. It's so simple, you see. How are they going to find Nick Parsons when they're looking for John Devereaux? Let's get into it. I mean, and again, like in my New York thing, it's like, are you going to just talk like this for the rest?
Starting point is 01:26:30 Hey, I live in New York's now. That's me. I live in New York. Bo ba-Bo-Bo-Dab-Dab-A-B-Da-B-Dadee pizza. The Jew-Lah and Voxlux decision. Yeah, that is a straight out of the fucking Staten Island dump. That accent and that movie. You got that accent out of a fucking crackerjackbox.
Starting point is 01:26:49 I mean, his accent is terrible in this movie doing John Devereaux, but at the same time, it's like, you cannot be a socialite. I'm sorry. Once you fucking set people up for murder and have killed people and have... You're on your third fake life, maybe, fourth? I don't know if Nick was real. Yeah, exactly. Was Nick Parsons, the fucking OG or what?
Starting point is 01:27:08 Yeah, that's a great point, dude. You can't be going around like you're this, you know, the king of the ball here. And here's the other thing, too, if you're speaking with this incredibly specific accent, right? It's like, oh, cool, Jonathan Devereaux. So that means you must have grown up around here. Where did you grow up? Where were you born? Where's your family?
Starting point is 01:27:29 Bourbon Street, Barbin Street, Bourbon Street. I was born on Bourbon Street. I'm going to die on Bourbon Street, too. I only drink a beta. That's right. He could be an alien that like takes over, like scans people and like, okay, now I can talk like this dialect. But this is what you should do, though. Here's the move, right? Is you go down there and you become Johnny Callahan in New Orleans, specifically. And it's like, hey, bro, I'm Johnny Callahan. Yeah, I grew up in Boston.
Starting point is 01:28:04 You'll definitely not ask me about that shit, because you won't know where I'm fucking talking about. And this accent seems even reasonable to you because you're not from Boston. That's got to be the other thing, right? All of these native New Orleans residents have to be like, why is that guy talking like faghorn leghorn? Look, egg lawyer, I decided to lay low.
Starting point is 01:28:22 What I'm going to do is I'm going to buy a hotel in the middle of Bourbon Street, and I'm going to have events there. I have events there all the time. I cannot get enough of you saying Egg lawyer, by the way. I just now I'm expecting a, you know, a very
Starting point is 01:28:38 like noirish lit office with you have the blinds are drawn and egg turns around. Smoking a cigarette. Jonathan Devereau, this is Eggloyer. Good news. You beat the case. Oh, man. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:28:52 You got off Scott Free. By the end of it, the jury's brains were scrambled. Got this case cracked. You're going to the big easy, more like the over easy. That was terrible. No, I like that. Well, of course you would.
Starting point is 01:29:09 You know, this story wasn't a magazine. I might call it hard-boiled. I've decided to figure out a way to work Benedict in. And I guess, like, Arnold Benedict? I don't know, treachery-in-law. Then I got lost. So I ran out of eggs. You didn't just go straight to cum after that?
Starting point is 01:29:27 Oh, yeah, the cum eggs. Yeah, you guys know what I'm talking about. Come, whatever. Shut up. It's gum. That egg is white. Kind of like, come. Yeah, but yeah, come omelet.
Starting point is 01:29:42 Oh, God. But again, like, if you're drinking with your buddies and like, oh, yeah, that's right. We had a great weekend at the hotel. It was awesome, man. It was just really cool. What happened to your accent there, buddy? What's going on? Are you having sex with a woman?
Starting point is 01:29:57 You're like, oh, my God. God is so. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Like, you would lose it. By the way, come omelet. Um, let's not. Pardon? Yeah, it was a joke. Oh, I got you. Folks at home are laughing. I see. All right. An omelette. Yeah. Chris Cabin introduced the concept of a come omelette. I don't say, um, let's not like omelette. Oh, I see. Try to keep up, boys. should have given me a trail guide to that joke I need a map pick up the map at the start of the journey
Starting point is 01:30:33 so Tommy Lee Jones gets down there he goes immediately to the you know the police precinct I guess on Bourbon Street and he's like oh have you seen this woman and the guy's like no and he goes okay that's cool well she just came down here to kill one of your prominent citizens
Starting point is 01:30:51 that's all and then they put out APBs on her etc she winds up going to this big gala she's all dressed up and you know it's a bidding war for him for Jonathan Devereaux and he's like hello it's to be the
Starting point is 01:31:05 king of Norlands baby all right listen up everybody here's the thing we're gonna have a fair bachelor auction tonight that means a cause none of you fine beautiful women out here that I've had sexual intercourse with before
Starting point is 01:31:19 can participate in the auction we gotta give some new blood of chance someone really needs to like point out that accent be like this he's like this is tall if he's nice be nice come on I'm a hotter than a crowd in some end too fay
Starting point is 01:31:35 you know we don't talk like that usually we'll be honest you know I just don't do that honey I got to tell you I had a great time at Jonathan Devereaux's party tonight it was really great but I have to say why does he sound like a cartoon rooster
Starting point is 01:31:51 I cannot get over it's almost as if he's not from here like he claims to be and speaks like how he thinks we would speak it's as if he searched the keywords for new orleans and just says those things over and over again that's right everybody is me jonathan devereau and benye benye benye and sazirac to you too i just i cannot and so like you know she outbids this other woman for like 10 000 dollars that was like oh oh who's doing that and Ashley Judd and it's a fine little reveal here she's like hello Nick yeah I'm totally down with this reveal absolutely because she yeah she's like
Starting point is 01:32:34 hiding in the back and then the other lady is definitely like oh well that's all right Jonathan I've definitely had that D before oh there's a crazy thing I was just looking at my notes there's some other guy that like introduces Jonathan Devereaux and it's I don't know what was leading up to this, but it's he's just like, you know, something happened before whatever and he goes, even before the war of northern aggression.
Starting point is 01:33:01 And all the people of the party go, boo! Fuck the Union Army, boo! Which is a lot. It's a lot. It's a total lot. Well, that toast is still happening, by the way.
Starting point is 01:33:18 So whatever, she's like, you know, now he's all hot under the car. like oh my god what i'm what i'm gonna do here and she's like what you're gonna do is you're gonna give me my son in a public place i'm not gonna go anywhere private with you pretty smart you know like you know absolutely there is a hilarious bruce greenwood line though because he's trying to say like like oh you know um we were having serious money problems and that's why i got the life insurance policy for you i never thought they would convict you and he goes if i had any guts I would have killed myself.
Starting point is 01:33:52 Well, that's true. And she's like, yeah, you're full of shit. I'll meet you tomorrow, blah, blah, blah. She hides in a bar for a little bit. I mean, love this kindly old bartender character that helps her out. If I was a discuser, I'd be like, well, your plan turned out perfectly and it seemed to happen with me being sent to jail. So if it didn't go perfectly, why aren't you like scrambling? Like, I think this is all explained by just saying that fucking, you know, whoever he is,
Starting point is 01:34:24 fucking Nick Parsons, John Devereaux, CIA. Oh, yeah, that's the move. There you go. The old I work for the CIA, Tray. I think this is true lies. You can't convict a dude. He works for the CIA, you know? That's it, dude.
Starting point is 01:34:40 I'm sorry that you had a son with him and had a reasonable life briefly, but he had to convict you of a crime so he could go destabilize Iran. exactly he's got things to do honey there's a great moment here so like this bartender you know the cops come into this bar that she's trying to eat at
Starting point is 01:34:57 and the guy like holds up the wanted sign like there's going to be people looking for you all over the place and he gives her an umbrella like oh the cops are here get out of here because it's raining outside and there's a hilarious moment where like she's pretty convinced the cops are onto her and she sees a cop on a horse and then like lightning strikes
Starting point is 01:35:13 thunder claps and this horse goes crazy and that's why she's able to avoid the cops for a little bit I love a spooked horse. It's one of my favorite tropes in movies. And the guy playing the, like, horse cop, the look on his face, oh, holy shit, holy shit. This has only happened like, well, 1,700 times probably. We're not supposed to take him out in the rain because he gets a little scared. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 01:35:38 Yeah, so she, like, escapes here. Tommy Lee Jones kind of like starts to put the pressure on Bruce Greenwood and like, oh, you look an awful lot like Nick Parsons. He's like, what, what, why you mean a dick of Parson? What are you talking about? How about we do a croffing ball and relax a bit? He even says, he goes to his office and he's like, rubbing him the wrong way. He's like, you know what? Why don't you go out the back and have yourself a fantastic Norland style breakfast?
Starting point is 01:36:04 Oh, right. He's like, egg st. Jock's or something. And I think he even, it kind of sounds like he says, Egg St. Jack. Yeah. And I was like, see, your dumb fucking accent is failing. you right now, dude. Oh, Egg St. Jack is the name of his lawyer.
Starting point is 01:36:21 He's just calling him. You'll be hearing for my lawyer. Egg St. Jack. I want a fucking cartoon where it's a Humpty Dumpty-esque figure, but he's just a boring lawyer. It's a Sheldon for fucking Garfield and friends.
Starting point is 01:36:40 So they meet the next morning at the cemetery. And I don't know if this is a thing in New Orleans. You know, because, like, the, the processions for funerals are obviously a very famous thing. Sure. And so when she's meeting Bruce Greenwood outside the cemetery, there's one that happens to be going into the cemetery. And I don't, have you guys noticed this when you were in New Orleans? Again, I've never been.
Starting point is 01:37:04 But, like, there are tourists taking pictures of the funeral procession? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's happening all the time. Oh, that is so gauche. That is so gauche. No way. Cemetery are big tourist attractions. I know that the cemeteries themselves are, but like, I don't know,
Starting point is 01:37:21 something about taking a picture of a procession, that's a bit. Like, look, he's got a tuba, snap. I went to one cemetery down there, and I don't believe I had the pleasure of seeing a fresh one go in. No. I went to the one with the Nicholas Cage. Oh, you saw the pyramid? I saw the pyramid. And that one is, like, near a road, so it's not this one.
Starting point is 01:37:41 And there's not so many tourists because they're not going right down the road. I went there, too. loved. And literally this happened and went on a couple of walking tours there. No one, everyone in New Orleans, at least when I went two years ago from my honeymoon, could not talk enough shit about Nicholas Cage and how much they hated him. It's like,
Starting point is 01:37:59 is that right? Oh, and then they built that stupid old cemetery, that stupid gravestone. Look how dumb it looks. All right, that's it. We're not going there. That's it. We're done. I was about to suggest we do a tour date there one day, but they're like, oh, you know, like he was being, it just seems like he was kind of an
Starting point is 01:38:15 asshole about it. He's, of course he's an asshole. he's a god in the cage the cage comes around you just say yes sir that's what i'd be doing i will say another part of this movie i wish we got more time with is uh the the gang of fucking like the fagin like a gang of child fucking criminals what is john denverer has been getting going here because like see so she he's like all right you know she's like well where's mattie and he's like all right is right well i all he oh no it's just you okay uh he's right over there um and she sees it this kid down the way and like it's all these above ground tombs so he's like
Starting point is 01:38:51 he keeps giving her the slip and then John Devereaux gets her alone and smashes her head against a tomb and he gives his kid like a 20 I'm like what where did you find this child I don't know dude but then that kid went back to his little gang of thieves and then the rest of the little ones
Starting point is 01:39:07 they all went out and fucking stab somebody to death with nail clippers just a bunch of like like the brood yes exactly he just leaves her in the mausoleum like out in front and then a bunch of kids
Starting point is 01:39:20 just come and like eat the flesh off her fucking body oh my god yeah those are the real New Orleans vampires do you see you go what you gotta do is you gotta starve them first you see and then they'll eat bodies for you
Starting point is 01:39:32 you know and here's the thing if you're showing me a eerie pale child running through a cemetery day or night that shit out of a horror movie and I was getting creeped out this is when I mean like
Starting point is 01:39:47 Here's the thing, Bruce Greenwood, you know, you're doing, you have escalated. You blew up fucking, uh, you blew up Annabeth Gish, good for you. You need to kill this. You're not a Batman villain in tubing people. What's so stupid about this, too? It's like, not only does he entomb her alive, he leaves the fucking gun on her. Yeah, that's pretty dumb. Does he know about the gun, though?
Starting point is 01:40:11 Probably not. You got to pat somebody down. You got to pat somebody down, absolutely. Uh, and the, but the other terrifying thing, though, is not only is she locked in that the mausoleum he puts her in a fucking coffin locks it with the body from the previous tenant in there well it is Louisiana law that you leave a gun with a corpse
Starting point is 01:40:33 just how that way you start making your way down to hell you can open fire on the devil not trying to get arrested that's what this kind of lost me is she's in the in the tomb and then the ghost of Louis Armstrong saves her You know, it's a little too much New Orleans. You're totally right, though. Dude, they should have really just brought out, like, all the New Orleans greats. You know, whoever was quarterbacking for the saints at the time should have come in.
Starting point is 01:41:00 Brad Pitt's abandoned housing project, that should have, that ghost should have come and got her. So, Tommy Lee Jones, this is the crazy thing. So Tommy Lee Jones is desperately trying to get a picture of Bruce Greenwood. Or a picture of whatever his name is. No, no, no. Nick Parsons. Nick Parsons, yes. He's trying to get a picture of Nick Parsons from like his parole board boss,
Starting point is 01:41:28 that guy that we were cracking on before. And he's like, the guy's like, no, dude, you are going to be under investigation. You need to get back here for this hearing because you're probably going to get fired. And it's one of these things where he's in the police station. He's trying to play cool on the phone. And he's like, all right now, you send me that goddamn picture. Yes. It's Carl. Carl, God damn it, you give me that bitch of Carl.
Starting point is 01:41:50 I will say Tommy Lee Jones functions quite well in an R-rated screenplay. Tommy Lee Jones using profanit, like when he calls her a fucking idiot, like, and this, used the goddamn, send me the goddamn picture. I don't know, him cursing. I loved it. I love it too. I think he should curse more. He should curse more. Those fucking men in black movies should have been filthy. Get Tommy Lee Jones in a quitting Tarantino movie, everybody. Yes.
Starting point is 01:42:13 Oh, I guarantee you. Hey, nice feet. I guarantee you he could not work with Quentin Theron. He would not sanction that buffoonery, dude. What do you mean you want to see my feet? I mean, I haven't, you know, I don't look at them. I watch them. Tell me, Tommy, Tommy, it's not for the movie, man.
Starting point is 01:42:34 I just need collateral. Hey, Quentin, so I'm at a movie theater here, right? Now, I take my shoes off and I'll put them on my feet, huh? Oh, fuck. And then he's just watching, like, Pick some super early Tommy Lee Jones role. He's watching Under Siege. Oh, yes.
Starting point is 01:42:52 That would be awesome. So, yeah, she's stuck in the coffin with this corpse. She gets the gun. She shoots the hinges off of this coffin. And again, I have to say, like, she is really resourceful of this movie. This is a really resourceful character. So, again, I don't understand how you couldn't think to get a fucking haircut.
Starting point is 01:43:12 It makes no sense. I just don't look good as a blonde, okay? she looked great in heat come on yeah she is blonde in that movie she's she's very blonde and that was just four years prior you're looking awesome in that movie they're both uh in the same in valcouver her and tom leo jones were in valcouver movie the same year batman forever and heat oh somebody read the tribune trivia i did wow what a connection but you know actually steve the funny thing is yeah that's kind of a piece of trivia yes exactly um i forget what we just did something recently
Starting point is 01:43:47 forget what episode it was. We recorded something and I remember looking at the trivia and it was really just like people giving their opinions about the movie. Oh sure, you'll get that. I wish I wrote it down because it was it was way more egregious than anything we had discussed before. Was it Star Trek 2009? Oh, yeah, it might have been knowing those people. By the way, so we're up to the photo of Nick Parsons from the driver's license. Oh, right. And it turns out to be some old
Starting point is 01:44:13 fat guy that's unrelated and then best line exchange I think of the movie is this the Nolan's cop is like well 99.9% of the time life just flat out don't work out and Tommy Lee Jones is like I haven't thought of it that way
Starting point is 01:44:31 thanks I feel much better and that dude starts patting a handkerchief against his forehead and goes laud I wish I won't so fat by the way like the guy that they had the picture they have of Nick Parsons. It's, you know, Nick Parsons is a killer of women as is. This guy looks like he's
Starting point is 01:44:49 waiting to be found out for killing women for several decades. Dude, this, this, whatever, this poor bastard from, like, the stock photo that they licensed or whatever, he looks like the BTK. Yeah, absolutely. Like, oh my God, I'm hot on the trail of Dennis Raiders.
Starting point is 01:45:07 Well, there were six Dennis Raiders, it turned out. This is a bit of a misnomer. the whole, the red herrings twists and turns in this movie. It's exciting because towards the end, we do find out that, oh, no, the facts kept coming. And turns out Nick Parsons is a popular name and there's tons of these photos. That's fun.
Starting point is 01:45:25 It turns out that as Carl predicted, Tommy Lee Jones is garbage at his job. But Tommy Lee Jones can only work with the fucking information he's given, man. And the whole thing is he's like, because when he has the not, when he's got the driver's license of the, BTK killer. He's in Bruce Greenwood's office right here. And he's like, turns out there's a lot of Nick
Starting point is 01:45:49 Parsons. And luckily you were the third try. And I'm like, just lead with that, dude. I don't know. It's not that suave what you're doing. It is it is important to note before he goes to Nick to Nick Parsons' office, he catches Ashley Judd. He grabs her.
Starting point is 01:46:06 Oh, right, right, right. Because she's about to go into his office, like fresh out of, uh, she's like, wow, I was just kind of in the game for a minute. That was kind of fun. You know, I was about to go jump off of a roof when I thought to myself, you know, I should go kill my ex-husband. I went to this
Starting point is 01:46:21 lunchroom and the egg lawyer was there. Cutter, the cop. The red-headed school administrator, all those women I made friends with in prison. They were all eating lunch in a weird corporate-looking cafeteria. Now,
Starting point is 01:46:39 Egg lawyer, you did indeed change my photo out from my ID, didn't you, egg lawyer? Yes, yes, I did. Oh, no, I forgot. You're going to beat me over this. Oh, yes.
Starting point is 01:46:54 It is so stupid. Oh, I'm going to beat you, but it ain't going to be over easy. I'll make it whisk. Are you telling me you sold me out, Egg lawyer? Well, you are a deviled egg, sir. A deviled egg.
Starting point is 01:47:11 Yes. Yes. It keeps coming. We get a dozen of these bad boys. You know, look out now. Eggloor, I'm starting to get a bit hard-boiled. So Tommy Lee Jones is like, all right, I demand a million dollars from you, Bruce Greenwood. And it's a steep price but fair. He's like, I got a hundred grand on me now.
Starting point is 01:47:39 And I'll give you the rest later. He's like, oh, what about the problem of Ashley Judd? And this is, again, you shouldn't be a Batman villain. And he's just like, oh, don't worry. Consider that problem buried. And it's like, dude, don't do that. And he's like, oh, what was that? And he's like, she's gone.
Starting point is 01:47:56 I promise you. Let's just say, for John Devereaux, things are looking sunny side up. And so, yeah, he says she's gone, I promise you. Ashley Judd walks into the office. And then we just watched the last 25 seconds. of the trailer for a little bit. It's crazy. This was who Paramount put this out, I think I saw.
Starting point is 01:48:18 Yes, it's Paramount. Like, Jesus Christ, Paramount Pictures. Like, you've been around for 100 fucking years. You think you know how to make a trailer. And she's like, I could shoot you in the middle of Mardi Gras. They can't touch me. Like, yes, they can. 100%. When you murder someone, it's like,
Starting point is 01:48:34 you are convicted of murdering this person in such a way on such a day. Then you do it again the next day. It's a different fucking murder. Also, the legal system in this movie is so fucking stupid. They would believe you actually killed somebody else. You killed John Devereaux. You didn't kill Nick Barson's again.
Starting point is 01:48:51 It's true. You killed John Devereaux. It's just so stupid. It's just so dumb. Tom Lee Jones is like, that's right. You know, he says as a former law professor, which I... Yeah, as an ex-law professor, I can assure you she's right. Let me call my egg lawyer.
Starting point is 01:49:12 am I cooked as one of the top drunk drivers in this state I will have you know oh dude what what an honor what a huge honor he has a great line here Tommy Lee Jones does uh because like Bruce Greenwood says something to him and she he goes uh what are you talking to me for she's the one with the gun kind of great and then Ashley John also has because she's like oh I could shoot you in the middle of Mardi Gras, whatever. And she has the fucking, again, the titular, she's like, it's called double jeopardy.
Starting point is 01:49:49 Oh, man. Heard of the movie we're in? I heard about it from a prison lawyer. By that, I mean a lawyer who was in prison, not one who actually tries to help people who are in prison. I want to make that clear. You don't want a criminal attorney. You want a criminal
Starting point is 01:50:04 attorney. No, money down. Oh, egg lawyer, you got, you fuck me over. You never told about double jeopardy, you son of a bitch. You money, son of a bitch. Oh, egg lawyer, you fuck me now, boy, I am creamed. They're going to give you the frittata. Well, don't. All right, you could fry an egg.
Starting point is 01:50:28 Let's say fry an egg. I think I did that once on vacation. See, it's a thing. Yes, Eric, it's a thing. So, you know, she's like demanding the kid back or whatever. He goes, you know, oh, you have your son back. You got what you want. She fucking shoots the Kandinsky painting.
Starting point is 01:50:51 Kind of awesome. But one, one last thing. Egg lawyer's real name is Huevos Satsuka. Too delicious. I was going to say, now, egg lawyer, I need your help on this one. I need you to use your egg noggin. you know i'm confident we've hit 12 by now we're working on it i think it's tapped maybe somebody you know what egg lawyer it's been a really hard
Starting point is 01:51:20 trying time for me right now in the big easy i got to go on vacation i'm going to go on one of those dude huevos rancheros okay egg lawyer canceled going back to calling you your actual name jeff egg lawyer how could i get in trouble when i'm just egg white There it is. Egg whites. We didn't mention egg whites. No. We didn't mention egg whites. Stop yoking me off here, egg law. You know, we should have done... Are you going, sorry?
Starting point is 01:51:50 No, I'm done. I was going to say we should have done all our promotion stuff like 10 minutes ago because everybody stopped listening. Yeah, that's true. Should have announced what the next episode was. The movie is over. All right, ladies and gentlemen, really quickly, we're about to make another nine egg puns. But before that, next week's episode... Well, it's the last thing is, you know, they shoot Bruce Greenwood gets shot.
Starting point is 01:52:15 After Tommy Lee Jones gets shot in a fucking shoulder. But to be fair, we should say that she's not going to kill him here. She chooses, because she's the hero of the movie. She chooses not to kill him. They're just going to, whatever. They're to set him up for murder or whatever. Like, they have it on tape that she was killed and they're going to fake her death now. Tommy Lee Jones trying to get in on this fake death.
Starting point is 01:52:34 Is that out of here? Wait a second. is that what is that what is being set up here yes oh totally because she's like well yeah we we have my blood that we're going to put it all over your car and blah blah blah and we've got the you saying you buried me alive so that's it and he's like i believe the i think this is when um timble lee jones says the prosecution rests oh which sucks i'm john devaron it seems that my eggs have been poached I'm setting up the river Yeah, I just took that as like a
Starting point is 01:53:09 We're going to go to the cops And the cops are going to hear you bragging about killing me And I'm right there They want to kill her They want to pretend that she's dead That way she'll get her kid back or something or other It's crazy Like Bruce Greenwood
Starting point is 01:53:23 A.k.a. The fucking Black Widow killer Had years to fit Or months to figure out how he was going to do this. You've had three days in a panic sweat. Again, she's super creative, except when it comes to realizing she should get a hair.
Starting point is 01:53:40 There might be an angle here where Tommy Lee Jones and her are trying to push his buttons to instigate this type of outcome. Right. Sure. It's either that, or they've prepared to sacrifice years of their lives into this.
Starting point is 01:53:56 It's true. I mean, like, what is Tom I know, like, oh man, I lost my kid once. That's my motivation for this movie. I guess. Yeah, it's a big baby. So yeah, it's a big dumb scuffle thing. She shoots him. It's kind of fun.
Starting point is 01:54:12 Dougley Jones, of course, gets shot in the shoulder because it's a movie and that's what has to happen at the end of a movie. That poor shot in the shoulder thing, you feel bad. He falls against a bookshelf and then like hits the floor pretty hard. Because you have to see him about to be put into an ambulance. You have to have that moment with him. Well, also, though, Bruce Greenwood is about to lay the death blow on him. And that's when Ashley
Starting point is 01:54:32 judge shoots him to death. Right. Yeah. And it's pretty good rules. It's pretty great. And then like outside there's a line like, like Tommy Lee Jones is like, no, you're still coming back with me to Washington and I'm going to recommend a full pardon and a parade.
Starting point is 01:54:47 Right, right. A parade. Yeah, you're right. A job. A job in a new house and everything. Dude, they don't even arrest her. She's not even in handcuffs. She's walking away from this dude she killed.
Starting point is 01:54:59 Did she just yell? Nope. Nope. Double jeopardy guys. I'm good. Oh, you know what? Call them off, Cleetus. She's calling double jeopardy. Listen, I used to teach law and, you know, I no longer do. I don't know why. But listen, she's right. I don't know why. Get her out of the heck. No, we're not even, we're, don't even interview. Do not take a fucking statement. Let her go home. And trust me, I am a disgraced ex-law professor. Just explaining to the police. No, no, no. She already went to jail for killing this guy and she did her time. So she's fine.
Starting point is 01:55:31 yelling at cops. I'm a parole officer. I outrank you like to their face. Do you know what double jeopardy is? Idiot. Let her go. You moron. And yes, I am wildly out of my jurisdiction. Washington State might be the furthest place
Starting point is 01:55:47 away in America, right? Yeah, I may as well have my jurisdiction on Mars at this point. But so, yeah, they, by the way, Bruce Greenwood states at some point, like, oh, the kid is totally fine. He's at a boarding school up in Georgia
Starting point is 01:56:03 somewhere. This is incredible. So you've been, you're Maddie, you're the son here. You believe that your mother killed your father and that somehow he came back and moved to San Francisco with you. Who knows how that
Starting point is 01:56:19 was explained. Great question. Then, like, you believe that, like, you hear all this shit about your mother being in prison for six years while, like, your father is killing his other wives, all of this. And then you're on the soccer field
Starting point is 01:56:35 one day, not in like a room being prepared for something like this. In the middle of a fucking sporting event, you're told, oh, your mom is innocent. She's here. She's taking you back. You're not even told that, dude. She just fucking rolls up. Yeah, it just, well, that's the thing. It's like, they don't have, like, you would
Starting point is 01:56:50 imagine they would like, we're going to have, like, we're going to sit you down in a room. We're going to have time together. You know, there's going to be coffee and snacks there for you. Yeah, definitely snacks, first of all. Well, Maddie even thinks that she is dead. Yes. That's the fucking dead. That's the devastating thing, though, is because she's like, do you
Starting point is 01:57:07 know who I am? And he like kind of nods. And then he's like, they told me you died. And he's like, Jesus Christ. Dude, this is what you do at the end of ransom where this kid pisses himself. Like, dude, the ghost of my mother is on the soccer field right now. Can everyone see her?
Starting point is 01:57:23 This kid also thinks cats are fucking monsters or something. Coach Denton, is that real? It's Denton for it to be real. Coach Don't help me. Also, the other thing is, like, she's like, he says they told me you were dead. And it's basically like, no, sweetheart, I'm not dead. But I did just come from murdering your father.
Starting point is 01:57:41 Well, okay. Cool, man. I love you. Kissy-kissie. No, mommy's alive. Daddy's dead. You know, the funny thing is, so, like, if you trace this back, like, let's say, because the movie doesn't give us any kind of specific timeline,
Starting point is 01:57:56 so you have to assume it takes place in the present day, which in this case, is like 1999. So, like, six years in jail, so this shit happened in 93. This movie really only works as far as the kid is concerned because the internet isn't as
Starting point is 01:58:12 as it is now. That's a good point. You know what I mean? Because, like, they just, I bet it's like, like, he's supposed to be not even aware of the dad's, like, supposed killing or whatever.
Starting point is 01:58:23 Probably. Yes, exactly. We just, like, moved away, and it's like, he's got no memory of that because he was, like, four years old or whatever. And they just, like, never speak of it. but like if this was in 2020 and that happened
Starting point is 01:58:33 and then like that kid just happens to like Google one day. It's like wait what the fuck? Dad dad wait what is it? You mom murdered you? Like this plan would just not work. What did you? What did you just say boy? Use your Cajun exit when you're
Starting point is 01:58:48 talking to your father. Oh shit. Definitely. That's oh man that's right. The kids should be like like they told me you were dead. And she's like, honey it's over. You don't have to do. that anymore. You know, like, kudos to this movie, though, for just fucking ending, you know?
Starting point is 01:59:04 Yes. Yep, because I do not need, like, you know what, this movie is missing, and I feel like a, this movie isn't great, but, like, a even lesser film would have a seat, like, the final thing of, like, Tommy Lee Jones, like, rolling up to a house and, like, knocking on a door to, like, see the daughter or some shit. The movie is totally not interested in any of that. But the weird thing is the movie, there's this, like, stupid line where she's like, wow. And she's He's with her for some reason. He's like, go see your son, your cow. And she's like, afraid.
Starting point is 01:59:34 He's like, don't be a cowed on me now. Don't be a quitter. And then she's like, wow, you really save me. He's like, no, you saved me. And I'm like, when did that happen? And, dude, very important, Steve, to highlight the fact that when he says, no, you saved me, it is long after she's out of earshot. It's one of those, like, she's like, oh, thanks for saving me, closes the door, walks away.
Starting point is 01:59:56 And he's like, no, you save me. And I'm like, from fucking what? I guess because somewhere towards the end of the movie, Bruce Greenwood offers him a drink and he says no. And I guess we're supposed to understand he's in the wagon now. Right. Well, yeah, it's a big product placement for Diet Coke. Yes.
Starting point is 02:00:15 But was there, there wasn't a scene where like she's like, you should stop drinking, you know? No, not at all. No. So what the fuck? Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. No, it doesn't at all.
Starting point is 02:00:25 Freeze frame ending, by the way, her cugging her kid. Ouch, that sucks. Yeah. dude come on you can't freeze frame end a movie you cannot like this movie you can do a crane shot you know camera going higher and higher they're walking across the soccer pitch like to the school or something like that you know but a fucking freeze frame like when will we learn freeze frames never a good idea and if you're going to do that at least to be kind enough to put like cue tainted love as this episode.
Starting point is 02:00:58 Yeah, exactly. Or something, yeah, you're making a fucking breakfast club joke to end your movie. That's the freeze frame. Otherwise,
Starting point is 02:01:06 just use a classy fucking fade to black, please. Stupid freeze frame. I do love in the credits, by the way, this is the one thing I noted, that creep that's smelling her hair
Starting point is 02:01:17 credited as handsome internet expert. Oh, nice, dude. That was my title in high school, dude. Uh-huh. Would anybody recommend this movie? We'll start with you, Steve. I would. It is a buck 45, which is kind of where you want.
Starting point is 02:01:35 Could be shorter. But it's, I mean, it's just a totally serviceable mid-90s, late-90s, mid-tier thriller. I love these kinds of movies. I want more of them. Yes, it's a recommend for me. Not a huge recommend, but a soft recommend. Chris Cabin? It's a no for me.
Starting point is 02:01:54 I like movies like this, but I don't like this. this movie, I think it's because there is no sense of, like, Chase. Like, the movie I thought about a lot during this movie is The Fugitive. Right. And, like, there is, like, a sense of danger and urgency to everything that Richard Kimball has to go through. There's, like, really none
Starting point is 02:02:10 when it's Ashley Judd, because she's just a parolee. So, like, I didn't feel any of that, like, thunder. I didn't feel that any of that thrill. I love Tommy Lee Johnson. I love Ashley Judd, but just just doesn't do it for me. And also, Bruce
Starting point is 02:02:26 Bearsford, has made a lot of good movies a lot of in Australia Breaker Morant, Mr. Johnson. Oh, great movie. Money movers. A lot of them, I think a lot of them are on Cartierian Channel now, if you want to check them out. But this is a note for me.
Starting point is 02:02:41 Cabin, I should also point out that he's the man behind one of your most hated films driving Miss Daisy. Don't fucking forget that Bruce Beresford directed that shot. God damn it. Eric, how are you feeling about this one?
Starting point is 02:02:55 It's a super soft recommend. I do agree with Steve that we are missing these types of movies. And I mean, and Chris is right that it's not, there's not that, it doesn't have the engine to drive it. It's not that exciting despite the plot being crazy. So I would say it's like a hangover type of situation for me. Yes, for sure. Yeah, I agree with you, Eric.
Starting point is 02:03:17 It's a 100% of hangover movie slash Dad for No, Motion Picture. No doubt about it. yeah it's just and again chris i agree with you not to like just keep repeating you guys but like there are better versions of what this is mainly like the fugitive like if you have not seen the fugitive man i got to tell you we just rewatched it maybe like a month or so ago in quarantine and it fucking rules and it's like a better version of what this is um and i the funny thing is like with all the complaining we do about longer movies i feel like this movie would feel a little if it was just maybe that 15 minutes longer.
Starting point is 02:03:56 Like if we hit that 20 minute mark, you get a couple more scenes here and there about like the investigation or maybe some more cat and mouse or something. Yeah. Because it just feels it's like, you know, I went to this and then I'm going to this and now I'm doing that.
Starting point is 02:04:09 And now the credits are ruled. You hear a little bit about Lincoln Bonaparte, Bruce Greenwood's character before this. The husband before this one. Yeah, that's what I was. 15 minutes of that and maybe we're in a good spot here. And that is Double Jeopardy from 1999, directed by Bruce Barrisford. If you would like more We Hate Movies, of course, check out WHMpodcast.com,
Starting point is 02:04:31 or head over to our Patreon. Patreon.com slash We hate movies. We got a lot of cool bonus stuff up there, exclusive to our subscribers only, including a We Love Movies episode coming out. It might be out now, but it might be coming out next week. Great time talking about Spike Lee's Inside Man. Oh, yeah. Eric, who we got in the Gleap Glossary this month?
Starting point is 02:04:55 Yes, the Gleap Gloucery were talking about something I never thought we would. It's Chubacca's nephew, Lobaka. Oh, sure, dude. Of course, famed character, Lobaka. I was saying Lobaka. I think we're pretty drunk on that episode, so tune in. It's a lot of fun. Totally.
Starting point is 02:05:15 And then, Steve, what are we talking about in the old AD in September? Garfield and friends. Speaking of Sheldon, yeah, we're talking. talking about an episode of Garfield where Binky gets canceled. It's a super fun episode. You'll really enjoy it. With a piece of shit, crappy theme song that's not the right song. We'll get into it, Chris. We get into it.
Starting point is 02:05:35 And of course, just as a reminder for our Patreon subscribers, the subscribers, the end of this month, we'll be dropping the last of the old WHM commentary. So the Chudmuntary will be out towards the end of the month. If you have not experienced the Chudmuntary yet, it's a good ass time. in. I was thinking about Chud actually a couple days ago. I watched Scorsese's Oh, what is it?
Starting point is 02:06:01 After Hours. Which was made the year after Chud, and also has John Hurd in it. And it also takes place in Chelsea, Soho, Lorry's side area. So I was feeling Chudd really hard watching that movie. Great movie, by the way. I'd never seen it before. Fantastic movie.
Starting point is 02:06:18 So the Chudman Terry comment out. And as always, here on We Hate Movies, There was another brand new episode of We Hate Movies Prime, as we call this show, on the main feed. Next Tuesday, Steve Sadek, what movie will we be having a fun, rambunctious discussion about then? We'll be talking about ricochet, Denzel Washington's ricochet. Oh, yeah. Hey, rules. Check it out before the episode. Watch it. It's a recommend. I'll have to do that because I've never seen it. I'm excited.
Starting point is 02:06:46 Oh, man. Yeah, dude, it's a 50-50. I haven't seen it either. I think it's an HBO Max. I think HBO Max has it. currently if you're looking for it. Oh, well, that must be nice. You haven't too, don't you? No, I don't. No, because he refuses to buy an Apple TV stuck on this Roku business.
Starting point is 02:07:02 Oh, I see. Okay, I'm sorry. They're never going to do the deal, dude. They're never going to do the deal, Steve. That's what we got to pressure him. It's a big commitment. Buy a whole new box to stream a fucking app. Well, Steve, I weep, I weep for you from my high tower.
Starting point is 02:07:17 Thank you. I appreciate it, Chris. A little rich boy there, Chris. and your fucking Hightower. Oh shit. Oh, Hightower himself is now on the show. We should just start calling Chris Hightower. Oh, man.
Starting point is 02:07:31 So until next week where we are talking about Denzel Washington in Rikishay. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Double Cisco. Chris Cappin. Take it easy. That's a good. That was a hit gum.
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