We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 504 - Double Jeopardy
Episode Date: September 15, 2020On this week's episode, the gang continues to celebrate this unofficial Stay Tuned month with a chat about the incredibly ridiculous thriller Double Jeopardy! How about this garbage trailer giving up ...the entire film in under three minutes? Hey, way to c-block that art phony, Bruce Greenwood! And why didn't Ashley Judd's character think. to. get. a. haircut?! PLUS: What is with that Kentucky Fried Accent on Mr. Devereaux? WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. Double Jeopardy stars Ashley Judd, Tommy Lee Jones, Bruce Greenwood, and Annabeth Gish; directed by Bruce Beresford. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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This week on the program, it's a movie based around a legal thing that isn't really real.
It's Double Jeopardy. I'm Andrew Jupin.
Steven Sadek. Eric Siska.
Chris Gavin.
And we hate movies.
Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into the fine program as always. That's right. This week we're talking about 1999's Double Jeopardy, directed by famed Australian Bruce Beresford. I think he's Australian anyway. Yes, he is. Pretty sure he is, right? Yes. And this is, you know, we're getting into some top tier TNT afternoon. Oh, dude. That's why we pumped up the things.
theme song wake everybody up a little bit
with our corn theme
you know I was
pretty stoked to never have
to fucking hear that again
and here we are Steve
because you had to plug the
cornment dairy
I got to listen to this Jonathan Davis
ass puppet yeah we got a corn cast
a buck 45 on that fucker
just talking about every track on follow the leader
on patreon.com slash we hate
movies what a waste of time but
people enjoy it. Yeah. Would it driven weaker men to suicide.
We spent, I mean, it's an hour, 45 minute episode, and we spent three hours on a Saturday
just talking corn to each other, and we kind of go batty on it. So it's a lot of fun.
Draining our bodies of life force as well while listening to this garbage. If you want to hear
four minds and souls deteriorate live on the air, you can listen to that cornmentary.
And I also wanted to put it, because Eric,
made a great theme suck. I like this
theme song. I was surprised.
You know,
like someone was like, how high were you when you thought
that worked? And I'm like, it kind of works,
but it doesn't.
Don't you hate that? How high did you
have to be? Why don't you get out of my
fucking business? It doesn't matter how high I am.
At any given
moment of the day. Yeah, why don't you go get
high? Leave me the fuck alone.
It's scary.
The pilot's cockpit.
danky Sullenberger.
Don't do, definitely.
It's flight, but he's just totally baked the
entire time. Oh, there we go.
Yeah. I think I saw a goose.
Oh, man, look at all these geese.
Just hold on there, neck hard.
Oh, God.
Wait, is it plural of goose, gooses, or geese?
Beep, beep, beep. I'm just unsure.
We're upside down.
Hell! Yeah, he just got too high
and pressed the ejection button on the engines,
which exists. I don't know why.
so of course get over to patreon.com
slash we hate movies check out our corn
track by track special
corn you know we were using it sort of interchangeably
and now I can never fucking remember what it is the corn cast
corn cast is what we're calling it I do yeah so I mean
this is a long term stay tuned I feel
our double jeopardy here right yeah and you know it ties into the corn
too because this is late 90s is 99 follow the leader
it was 98 Steve was going to all those
fucking music festivals where corn and other shitty bands were playing.
Exactly.
Watch a double jap all the time, dude.
By the way, I think stay tuned eventually, maybe another year for the limp biz cast.
Ooh, that sounds about right.
It's got to happen.
But I definitely need some fucking, I need a lot of sunsets between the two.
That's for sure.
I also need to be really high again for that, by the way.
Yeah, so this is a significant of cast.
No, I don't know.
Well, see, that's the thing is none of it works.
That's why it's just a limp biz cast.
Okay.
This is during the Ashley Juddiverse that we had for a little while.
Bigger than the MCU, I think, honestly, right?
Yeah.
As far as my interest is concerned.
She had like this huge fucking run, man.
Oh, yeah, she was a judder not.
It's this. Kiss the Girls.
The hell was that...
The other one we did, Twisted.
Twisted.
Was that around here?
Was that two thousand?
Was that post 9-11?
Yeah, I feel like that.
was like closing out the uh the judge the judaverse the curtain call uh what's the one with her and um
fuck what's all with her jim kvizel um and another morgan freeman joint with her dangerous crimes or
something like high crimes high crimes yes get out my house who cares how high the crimes were come on
um i have the beholder yes i mean was that that was even mcgregor and like he's
he's a spy or something and he's
obsessed with her. I saw
that I think. That was a
yeah that's like a weird like it's an
indie like gritty movie. It's a little different
than these but it is within the like
I mean this this lady opened a ton of fucking movies
man. Yeah.
And she you know here's the thing like this movie
is whatever it's total dead for noon
spectacular but she's
good. She is a good
actor and she's good in this
movie. Well didn't Harvey
destroy her career because he's the world's
biggest piece of shit? Yep, that's how that works.
Okay.
Horrible. He said,
Dad for noon, but this is also like one of those movies
that kind of have fallen by the wayside, and I wish
we had more of them because they're fun. It's like a
lifetime movie that has
enough money, it becomes a thriller.
And these don't exist anymore.
They all go to Lifetime now, which is a real
bummer, because I like these. I mean, like,
lifetime movies are always like always a cheap
out, both the body count and
the cheapness of it and the bad acting.
It's the acting. It's always
the acting. Because if
This is essentially, like, you put anybody below Bruce Greenwood and Ashley Judd in this.
I don't know if this works at all.
Yes.
Or Tommy Lee Jones, of course.
Speaking of that, what am I talking about here?
Speaking of that cast, like, I mean, who could you plug in in a modern, in the modern era to play these kind of parts?
Like, the, the, like, the actors today are too, like, cutesy or buff.
Like, I couldn't see, like, I can't even think of an actor.
Like, what, Jason Mamoa?
moa in this
that wouldn't work
yeah I mean like what
I mean as far as like a galga but even
Galgado is just sort of too striking
to be in this movie right yeah
and then you go too far the other way
and you get like Michael Shannon and stuff
and then it's just scary
yeah that's a little too scary
they are get me in double jeopardy
huh hip hip
oh look at this now I'm down in New Orleans
having a blast at Marty Grah
wow it's really
it's the time of my life
Everyone, like, he faked his own death.
Ah, shit, they caught me again, huh?
Yeah, I'm too fucking creepy for my own goddamn good.
Guess I'll go to prison!
How much you want for this fancy hotel here, huh?
How much you want for it?
You know who could maybe do...
No, probably not.
I was going to say who could do the Tommy Lee Jones role as Paul Giamatti?
Come on.
Yeah, no, I know.
That's a Michael Shannon.
We need, like...
Who's like an old disgruntled bastard?
I feel like they don't exist anymore.
And the actors that are like,
it's, you know, semi-retired or something.
Like if George Clooney or someone came into one of these movies,
then it would be a totally different animal as well
because their fame is too big.
Let me be like Defoe possibly.
Yes.
Oh, that's a good call.
Defoe is exactly who could do this.
Oh, hey.
Say, Ashley, Jed.
Do you want to take some Polaroids?
Is Kate Blanchett's two?
classy for this i think is the idea yeah yeah oh you know you kate winslet though
okay get a kate winslet in this movie i could see that you got to find those actors that like
they can do oscar they all but they also do other shit and trash and there seems to be like
this other class now where these these fancy actors do the you know like leonard o'capio
couldn't be in this this this would be given to a tv actor now i feel
there you go wait a second
I got it TV actor
John Slattery could do this Tommy Lee Jones
right and it would go right to lifetime
it's just the fucking TV pipeline here
yeah
now I'm thinking maybe even
you can get a John Ham
now just the cast of Madman
but John Ham is also of that ilk I think
100%
with the amount of time this movie covers
you could 100% sell this as like a
do this as like a gritty like
brutal remake as a five part
miniseries on FX.
Oh, sure. You could easily do that.
Okay, what if, all right, so if we're trying to cast this movie now,
and I promise we'll talk about this actual movie soon.
But Ben Affleck as Bruce Greenwood,
that's about right, right?
That's close to it.
Yeah, because it's kind of, yep,
and Ben Affleck has experience in movies about faking your own disappearance.
I mean, Gar-Girl is kind of like the closest you can get to this movie now.
You're totally right.
Well, also, no, they are making one of these movies now with, what's his name, Adrian Lynn, who did unfaithful and fatal attraction.
Okay.
He's bringing out a movie.
It's Ben Affleck and Anna D. Armis.
And it's about, like, it's like this kind of story where, like, he might be killing her, like, they have an open relationship and he might be killing her lovers.
Oh, dude.
Day one, I am there.
Day one, if it's a creaky legal thriller, I'm into it.
Creaky.
I guess I didn't see some movies that are maybe more like this,
like Girl on a Train or whatever.
That movie stinks awful.
Suck shit.
Unbelievably bad.
But also those are all, like a lot of those are what you're talking about, Eric,
which is you're correct, but they're also like pulled from novels now,
like Gone Girl on a Train.
And they're going to do the, what's it, somebody in the apartment is coming up soon.
somebody in the apartment that's the name of the movie
and Elizabeth Moss starring in somebody
in the apartment you're talking about
woman in the window aren't woman in the window
not someone of the apartment
it's a problem to be adapting
these goddamn weepy novels
for these fun movies give me a
schlubby dude or lady
you know stressing out over a keyboard
barely making sense
that's what I watch
well you know they had um it's funny
because like normally i am such a sucker for these things i think gone girl's a good movie
it is um they did uh another adaptation of that woman's books with charles oh dark dark places
something like that jillian fly yeah gillian fly yeah and that was dog shit i always wanted to
see the tv series uh sharp objects with amy adams because i'm an amy adam stand as everybody knows
but it always just seemed too sad
and I'm like I don't want to deal with that
it's okay Amy Adams is the reason
to watch it and it looks nice
but like it's a very
sad story yes I don't need
I know a lot of people
like those things but those stories that are based on
books that are all like there's
kind of maybe a crime
in like a very placid
domestic suburban situation
you know and somebody
fucking falls down the stairs and it's maybe
a murder like I don't care
I just don't give a shit.
And you're dripping stars in, maybe a murderer.
I mean, exactly.
It's just everybody trying to make another gone girl.
Yes.
And that's going to just keep on happening for a while, I think.
So this is late 90s.
We all swore this was earlier in the 99 for sure.
Right.
We're talking about this off the air.
It's Ashley Judd, her and Bruce Greenwood are married.
And are they in the Pacific Northwest?
Is that what we're doing here?
Yep.
Yeah.
Yeah, they're living in, like, one of those fucking rad islands, like, around the Seattle area.
And they are waterslide rich, okay?
That's what's going on.
You get this water slide in the beginning of this movie, and indoor?
I'm like, holy shit.
Dude, the water slide, the house in general?
Yes, the views?
I fucking hated these people.
Yeah.
It's disgusting.
It's so funny.
Because, like, they're so, like, super, super rich, clearly.
And there's the moment here where Bruce Greenwood's like, hey,
baby you see that boat out there on the bay
well I put an offer in on it and I'm going to
buy it for you and she's like oh we can't afford
that I'm like of course you can
look where you live
look where you live lady that's the problem
with this movie is both of them should have gone to jail
yes I think the name of the island is like
actually like Whiteley Island
or something like that
Willoughby or something will be
Will be Wittes
I think it's Whippley
Whippets Island everybody does
Whippets. Oh, Whippet Island, dude, where everybody's
high for 90 seconds. All right, four orange
whips.
Should we tell her, we're going to frame you for my
murder. Okay, yes.
It is Whippley Island, and
Wippet Island, the ferry
comes every two minutes.
Just as you get on and get off.
Exactly. We actually never leave
the Cove here. We just do a turnaround
right there. And
I guess there's some sort of, like, they're having
some sort of party. I don't really
understand what... It's a benefit.
of some kind.
Okay. Because Bruce
Greenwood has some line where he's like, and we're all
here, of course, get to get out those
checkbooks. It's for the school.
Yeah. Yeah. Something's up in the school.
There's a great moment here
where like they just cut to, and it's
purely to set up a
plot point later in the film. But there's
the moment where like there's a
dude like trying to fucking mac it
to this lady and he's like, oh
that's a Picasso there. It's his blue
period. And then Bruce Greenwood
comes in totally cock-blocking this dude
being like, it's
Vasily Kandinsky actually
and just like railing off all this shit
and like you can see
this dude's dick just going totally
limp. Bruce Greenwood as art asshole
that's a movie I want.
Absolutely, dude. Absolutely.
To this movie's credit, somehow
that Kandinsky plays a huge role.
I mean, I kind of felt
that when it was happening. I'm like, this is a really
weird scene to just have in the middle
of all this because there's really no other scene
like it in the rest of the movie yeah so just like no it's just to be like oh you know there's
a kandesky hey everybody there's a kandinsky in here later on bruce greenwood is like
canoodling with ashley judd and he's like was i always this rude and i'm like i don't know you
don't have to be this rude yeah why like it's a first of all it's a benefit for his school why are you being
such a son of a bitch to everybody so it's bruce greenwood that kind of has to be i i love
bruce greenwood by the way oh he's fantastic actually the funny thing is man uh
between a 19, so you figure you're making this movie in 98, a 98 Bruce Greenwood and a 98 Ashley Judd.
Fucking, dude, raise the curtains back for the smoke show.
God damn.
I mean, there's a, there's a totally unnecessary sex scene in this movie, but I was like, you know what?
I will take it with the two of them.
My God.
That's some writhing I'm seeing there.
That's some serious writhing.
Because it's the two of them.
The party's over.
You know, there's some stuff, some seeds laid where, like,
Like, people are like, well, what are you going to do about all this fucking debt you're in, Bruce Green?
It's like, oh, yeah, enjoy the cocktails, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, did I show you my Kandinsky?
This is exactly how I'm handling my debt.
Enjoy the cocktails.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry about it.
It's just Eric yelling at his cat.
Enjoy the cocktails.
Don't ask me about my finances.
Yeah, don't worry about the deficit.
And so, like, we're laying those seeds.
Annabeth Gish is heavily featured here.
Oh, yeah.
as like, you know, the friend slash, like, she's good with the kid kind of a thing.
She's the second head of the school that they're having the thing for.
And Bruce Greenwood, I mean, I know what he's really trying to do here, but in this scene, I thought he was Angletta Threesome.
I thought that's what we're doing.
Oh, thank you very much, dude, absolutely, because it's a weird thing where, like, the party's coming to an end, and Greenwood and Judd are, like, out on the deck looking at the lake.
And they are fucking straight up tongue kissing.
and then like Annabeth Gish
kind of like peeks around the corner
and he just goes, hi,
come have a seat.
And I was like, holy shit, dude.
Did you bring the oils?
If you move into like boat territory
group sex is looking right around the corner.
Absolutely, dude.
You got to do that end of the party math
and it's just like, all
how many people are left here?
What is the sexual?
Is there a sexual vibe at all?
If there is, you got to get out.
Like that's the move.
Or stay or dive right in.
But you think, do you think that this is the moment where, like, because, I mean, spoiler alert, we're going to talk about it in fucking five minutes.
But Annabeth Gish is fucking Bruce Greenwood and is in on this whole plot of faking his own death or whatever.
But do you think he was like, in his head, he was like, okay, here's the deal.
I won't fake my own death and have my wife sent to jail if my fuck buddy comes over here and my wife is cool with a three-way.
Yeah, I think that's it.
If we have a three-way tonight, I won't fake my death tomorrow.
Called it a silent ultimatum.
Yep.
Yeah, exactly.
It was just those options were only on the table for Bruce Greenwood.
Nobody else knew about that.
Exactly.
And he in his head was like, maybe I won't fake my own death.
If I could have some group sex.
You could just fake your own death and not send your wife to jail.
Also true.
Also true.
You could have the blood around, I guess, or I don't know, just like show that you were there
and you had left the boat and you had died in the water or whatever.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, baby.
The first gift is the vote.
The second is her.
Oh, yeah.
Help her.
Ashley Judd might have gotten off if it wasn't for, well, now we're talking about
I'm in trial.
If it wasn't that fucking tape,
we didn't even see that tape get made.
I'm getting ahead of myself because I'm excited.
But no, it's true.
I agree with you.
I don't understand that.
I mean, I guess.
because it's cleaner, but, like, to fuck your
wife over like this, like, come on, man.
And there's no real, like,
uh, indication of like,
it's a super bad marriage or anything like that.
He's just a, you know, I mean,
they're tongue kissing on that doc.
They're tongue kissing.
There's Maddie.
They're fishing.
But I really do feel like they must have cut,
like, a big reveal is Time of Lee Jones
finds out that like Bruce Greenwood,
like, has been like black widowing women for years.
sure because he also
spoiler alert kills Annabeth Gish
quote unquote
suspected at least
which is crazy
so I guess Ashley Judd actually got off
light
yes this guy's exploding women
yeah that's true
this is how I show I care
about you honey you just went to prison
for six years
I blew that other bitch up
what was he going to do the next one
it's escalation it's prison explosion
eat her
definitely
I'm going to eat her leg is when
I'm going to do. I'm going to sear it on a nice pan.
Remember when I said I'd eat my wife out?
Well, I just took her arm into the backyard and hate it.
Out of my trust, am I right?
So we're out on this boat, and it's like a thing where they're going out because the guy who owns it is like, hey, take it for a spin this weekend.
You know, if you like it, it's yours.
And we're fucking on this boat.
And then she wakes up in the middle of the night.
I mean, the sex scenes nuts, though.
Full-on nudity from Ashley Judd.
A lot of
the noises are a lot.
Dude,
I gotta say
Bruce Greenwood's
like sex
like sex acting
noises here
a lot like
when McGruber's
fucking that goes
she is on
but we have to talk
like Ashley
when we first see
them doing it
Ashley Judge
is on him
like Spider Man
on a tall building
like yeah sure dude
pumping it
the problem is like it's so you front load the sexiness and guess what it's gone yes we're never
going to see the sexiness again i feel like there should have been a little more nudity or another
sex scene later on in the film but we never really well who's fucking who well i guess you could
lean into um bruce greenwood's sexual exploits and his fake identities oh no i got to find out who
where ash jude is better fuck my way to the top jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack
Looks like I'm fucking my way all the way down to the big easy.
It turns into a movie about Tommy Lee Jones trading sex for favors.
Yep, exactly.
Sure. I'd watch that.
Just leave the dossier on a desk when you're done.
Look, look, I'm just having a little trouble, okay?
Just wait, just wait a minute, okay?
I'm trying to jack it.
All right.
Listen, I'm going to go into the bathroom and be alone for a few minutes, all right?
See if I can get it up.
Come on. It's me and you.
It's jack time.
It's me and you and it's jack time.
we got to go little jack little jack uh so she wakes up covered in blood and you know she's
looking around like calling out for him there's blood like everywhere in in the cabin
she wipes up the blood some woman she wipes up to come anyway that's right uh and like
here's the thing guys you ever find yourself covered in blood you're like well this is weird
you don't find a horse head on you're like all right the mafia's not involved that's
good, check. When you're feeling around your surroundings and you find a bloody knife on the
floor, you got to leave that bloody knife where you found it. Yep, absolutely. I eyeball that thing,
be like, okay, that's cool. Bloody knife, check. That doesn't look good. Like, you holding it up closer
to you doesn't make it any more or less of a knife. I know there's a lot of stimuli at this
moment and you're in a sensitive state, but come on. I mean, part of the problem is also she picks
it up and she holds on to it for like five
or ten minutes and then the U.S. Coast Guard
is like, hey lady, what's at the knife?
Not only does she pick it up and hold it, dude, she's holding
it the way you would hold it if you were
stabbing someone to death. Hey, lady,
could you put that away?
Throw it in the water.
Like, before the Coast Guard sees you,
throw it in the water. Right.
Nobody would, yeah, it's just, it's very, I
wouldn't pick up the knife. The Coast Guard's like
lady put the knife down. She's like, but oh my God.
can I say one of my favorite things about this
so she comes through the cabin
and like the music is like swelling
when she discovers different pools of blood
and like one of the biggest swells
is her finding blood on the shakutri platter
and I got a really big laugh out of that
I got to tell you
well you never you know nobody ever likes to see
that much fucking pork product destroyed
dude no debris
Nick's bloody sausage
chill
I said bloody sausage
I heard you
I heard you the first time
dried salami
So this happens
The Coast Guard immediately rolls up
She gets arrested
She doesn't get arrested
Well this dude
This dude cutter
This like cop
Who she's friendly with
This guy's been in a thousand things
He's an FBI agent on fringe for a while
I believe you met a horrible death
Yeah he is a good bald actor
One of our strongest bald actors
but it's a weird like yeah we're just like sitting with the police for a while
and then this guy Bobby who I guess we saw him at the party briefly
he's the lawyer here her egg shaped lawyer
this dude like his head he you need to like figure out your collar situation if you
don't have a strong neck you just got to figure something out
because it just looks you just your head is sitting atop your shoulders at that point
I thought it was what was the collar
it was like a regular button down show or something yeah i think so yeah i mean i think you just want to
have like a little what do you suggest like a mandarin collar or something maybe a mandarin collar
maybe possibly like you keep your shirt unbuttoned at the top so you kind of let let people know you
do have a knack just telling this guy how to dress absolutely okay i think steve is speaking from experience
if you are egg-shaped i thought that this guy for a second was a character actor josh mostel
big dude from like city slickers
son of zero
son of zero must tell exactly right
they're both from the same cart
yes yeah
she gets a rich white lady arrested
where your lawyer comes up to you
is like all right you're about to get arrested
and like actually
lets you know like don't talk to the police or anything like that
I will meet you there and the cops like yep
we're doing this by the book we're not going to shoot
you in the back she has a lot
well because they're like
hey, so we were looking for Nick
and we had all the
divers out and whatnot. And based
on all the blood and everything in that knife you were
holding, yeah, he's been declared dead.
And like the dude, this dude
cutter like takes out the cuffs and she's like,
shit man, not in front of my kid. Not in front of my kid.
Yeah. You know, if this was made
today, the police would have just murdered her on that
boat, the Coast Guard would have killed. Oh, absolutely. Just open
fire. Yeah, but they'd be like, ah, open and shut
case perfect sweet now we got a free boat out of this whole thing well the police would use their
stealth bomber to bomb the boat back into oblivion because that's what you do you've got all this
equipment you go out of use it well they would have to be demoted to land police that you know that's
that's that's a real harsh judgment on them we're taking your sea legs away johnny you're a land
police now but they were three miles away she could have killed me at any moment
Uh, so it goes to trial and, you know, there's a whole thing about like a $2 million life insurance policy.
There is a recorded message to the Coast Guard, Bruce Greenwood being like, oh, I've been stabbed, you know, oh, ow, ow, oh, my belly, oh, I got hit with a sharpie knife.
I'm surprised he doesn't, he doesn't do like, ow, she got me. I can't believe she stabbed me.
Did he, like, sedate her or something?
Like, how is she sleeping through this?
Was the fucking that good?
Yeah, well, she has some dumb line where she's like, well, I had two glasses of wine and was out in the sun.
So I guess I was just passed out for hours.
Well, I guess, but maybe she was sedated and, like, maybe she thought it was the wine kind of a thing.
I do want the missing scene of, like, him getting up and, like, putting everything and, like, she's snoring, and she stops every once in a while, and he thinks she's waking up.
While he's trying to do this message, he's like, oh, my God, it hurts so
it hurts so bad.
He's like making a podcast there, like checking the levels.
I'm like, okay, I send this to the police.
Okay, this is Stamps.com.
My murder is brought to you by Stamps.com.
Oh my God, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding.
So the thing about Stamps.com.
You know, I just shit my pants because that's what happens when you die.
My wife did it.
You know, postage costs can bleed you to death.
Just like I am right now.
You know, thank God we have some strong sponsorship from Meundis because as I'm dying,
I know I'm going to be shitting my pants.
Oh, remind her to subscribe to the John Devereaux podcast account a little late.
Check that feed, peep it in a month or two.
Oh, my God, I'm not going to make it.
I'm not going to...
More after the break.
This death...
Mail, Kemp.
This death cast is brought to you by away, which I am passing.
Death cast.
Act one.
I'm stabbed.
I reglass.
So, yeah, there's this prosecutor, man.
She's a piece of shit.
Ooh.
At this point, I was curious.
I was curious.
if her lawyer was in on it, because he's very not good here.
He's not great.
I feel like it's one of those things where he's a family friend,
so it's like, yes, you can be my lawyer.
But he's like a tax lawyer or something, you know.
But the judge is also like Matt Fruer and Perry Mason.
Like he's letting everything go.
Let fucking Stephen Rood do whatever he fucking wants, I guess.
Dude, fucking Matt Fruer around that show, dude,
he's letting Stephen Rout just tap dance all around that court.
Whatever you want.
Why don't you just fucking put on a show?
Because she's on the stand, and she's like, so you went to bed.
The lawyer's like, so you went to bed.
It's like, yes, and someone must have come.
Who would have come?
Aliens?
Yep.
And it's like, at that point, objection of being an asshole.
Exactly.
She keeps going on about, do you think aliens killed your husband?
It's like, are you?
Oh, man.
She brings the pirates into it.
Yeah, and the judge is like, I don't want to see where she's going with this.
Exactly.
Give her a little latitude.
this pirate bitch she's doing.
Here's the thing, man. At least pirates
are of the sea.
Aliens are of the skies.
And the move is objection
she's doing material.
You know what I mean?
Totally. Objection, she clearly wrote this last night.
Which all lawyers do.
That's not a thing. As we also learn from Perry Mason.
But yeah, there's a big
Ashley Judd, like, you have to believe me.
She's fucking sobbing.
And nothing doing. She is
sentenced to multiple years in prison.
Well, do we get to hear the sentence because
I was confused by this. No, we don't.
This really confused me hugely, because we
jump, like, right from what seems
like right after the judgment
when she's talking about
where the kid will go
right to her being in prison.
Right. Yeah. And, like, that's it.
Chris, so someone was convicted of murder
in one scene, and then
in the next scene they were in jail and you got confused
as to how they got there.
Well, because I just was like
aliens, Chris.
Yes.
it was the aliens i was scared but like it goes from like it goes from the pirates and alien speech
to her being like uh sorry you know and like it doesn't say like yeah they they they found you guilty
well no but she's she literally asks uh angie is the character and abeth gish's character
to adopt the kids so you fucking know which way the wind is blowing but my thing is i need to know
was she sentenced for manslaughter first degree murder because she gets she wants up getting out and
six years and that part confuses me. I'm like, what fucking Mickey Mouse murder is this?
Like, well, she's, she's paroled, though. Yeah, she is paroled, but I mean, even still, like,
good behavior. First degree, you go for a while. Steve, she is a rich white lady. Yeah,
that's fair. Come on, man. It's actually surprising she didn't get out in three or under. Like,
yeah, all this, oh, you murdered your, your rich husband, rich white lady. Oh, cool. Uh,
well, you know, we'll consider this trial time served. They could murder anyone and, you know,
it'll be commuted down or whatever, and they'll be fine.
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Two different systems of law in this country.
Oh, no, absolutely.
I guess I get that.
I mean, they never hang a hat on that and they should.
Yeah, that's the thing is if they've done anything to like really highlight that,
I'd be like, okay, that's cool.
But like, it's no, it's just like, you're supposed to think she did hard time.
Yeah.
Well, she spends six years in prison.
It's like, but this is a tap dance in prison.
Look at this place.
It is.
so yeah she does give her kid to her kid mattie to uh angie and like at first like angie's
coming with the kid and it's nice and uh roma mafia roma mafia is that it roma mafia yes
this is a pro roma mafia podcast the romani mafia we are proud to endorse them
dude she had a bit of a run in these kinds of movies she's in disclosure kiss the girls
also with ashley judd this and the uh johnny dip
thriller, Nick of Time.
Oh, Nick of Time.
I never saw it.
I thought it was fine.
That got my pace up. That got my pace up.
I remember Christopher Walker being pretty
badass in that. It's kind of like a noirish,
very noirish type of
story. They're all
on the ARP movies for grownups list
for sure. Yeah. Oh, no doubt
about it. Yeah, the Dead People's Choice
Awards.
So, yeah, I mean,
She spends a bunch of time in prison here along the way Angie stops visiting and Ashley Judd like tries to call to see what's going on.
Can't find him.
And my favorite scene happens in the world where Romney Mafia stops.
She's like, Ashley Judd, do you know what movie you're in?
Do you know what your movie's about?
It's called double jeopardy.
And it turns out that if you just kill the person that you already got convicted of killing, it doesn't matter the degree or any of that shit.
Toss that out the window.
It's kind of crazy that, like, this level of litigation-related science fiction was allowed to be made.
Like, what are you fucking talking about?
Like, this character is supposed to be a former lawyer that also killed a husband or something and ended up in jail?
Yes, yeah.
Well, that's the gag here because there's another woman who also murdered her husband.
And it's just a lot of, like, we're all in here because we murdered our husbands.
Evelyn, yeah, but that's the thing is it's a Mickey Mouse prison thing because at first, like, it's like Evelyn and this woman and they're looking at her and they're like making fun of her and like she's going to kill herself at a week.
And then like, which is fine and then they just become fast friends.
They give her a birthday cake at some point. Birthday cake in prison, really?
Well, again, dude, it is six years in prison. It is not overnight.
The pair of friends. This movie is just terribly edited.
That scene is so sad because it's not even a.
birthday cake for her. Yes. It's a birthday cake for her son that she's eating with her friends
in prison. Yeah. And it's it's kind of sad as shit too because you get a look at that cake.
The candles are like little crayola crayon shaped and you're just like this is some sad
shit. And I don't need like a big Bertha top bunk kind of bad joke thing here. That's not what
I'm asking for, but like maybe she has to fight a gang or something. Or like a
fight a gang. Or like somebody tries to fuck with her and she punches her out. And like she kind of
is in there and then maybe
also that dude from Terminator 2
that likes to lick people's faces
the evil correctionals
officer. She's on the phone
at one point and you think for a moment
there might be some conflict and somebody might yell
at her but it never happens.
She's just hanging out with her best friends
the other prisoners. Here's the thing.
I think what
you guys are looking for
is like an actual women in prison
movie. That's not what this movie
is. So it's like they just
No, that's not what I'm asking.
No, no, no, no.
But like, you're saying, like, oh, she should fight a gang?
The fuck four.
This is double jeopardy.
She's got to get out and find the husband.
All I want is one attempt Bruce Greenwood sends in someone to shiver.
Oh, shit.
That would be kind of cool.
Just one sense of conflict or, like, danger in this fucking prison.
And she takes out the head Nazi woman in prison.
And then the Nazis are like, we now respect you and we'll help you on the outside.
the husband. You know what? Here's what I want. I want her in the lunch line and someone
to trip her. That's the most I want. Can I get that? How about someone
spits in her face? That'd be nice. Like, it's prison is scary no matter what. And again,
it doesn't have to be about like stupid sexual abuse nonsense for fucking whatever. It just,
it could just be like, oh shit, I am afraid I am in prison. I'm a tiny woman with all these
bigger people. I just need to be, it doesn't need to be scrubbers. It has to just be
something where I understand that prison isn't just
constant danger, which it is.
Yes.
Right.
But I think, you know, you know what you could have there is, or what they try to present
what you guys want in a way is all the times that she's on the phone, all the people
behind her that are like, well, you get off the fucking phone.
Yes.
And she's like kind of getting bullied at the phone banquet, but not really.
Prison would be great, but it's a little rude.
I'm on the phone here.
Please.
Oh, I'm sorry.
they have such a limited
availability of VHS tapes here
like you just would not believe it
I do love
so she calls like you know
Angie disappears with her kid
she's freaking out she figures out
away like
she calls a school as Angie asked for a new
address a new phone number
and she's like hey what's my new address
oh sure Angie here's your new address
whatever she gets it she does the old
oh I didn't get a
pay stub or something
I want to make sure you have my updated address.
And the best one, so she calls up, and Angie's like, oh, oh, we were going to visit you next week, Libby.
Yeah.
And then Bruce Green was like, hey, it's me, Bruce Greenwood.
And the kid's like, Daddy.
Yeah.
And she's like, oh, Adameth Kish gives the grace, like, eat, oh, deep, don't dive on the phone with the lady we fucked over.
Yeah, it's kind of great.
It is because she's kind of like, like she's looking at Bruce Greenwood, and she's sort of,
like, you know, not speaking it, but just miming like,
Libby is on the phone.
And the kid goes, Daddy.
And look, and here's the, Bruce Greenwood is just to pick up the phone and be,
first of all, we're going to find out later that he's a master of accents.
And he's, uh, he's an accent enthusiast.
Oh, yeah, it's me, Barry.
I'm not, Nick, Nick is dead.
He's so dead.
It's me, Barry.
Bye now.
Bye, ma-bar.
He's like, he's underneath Hugh Grant and Paddington, too.
he's not even that good
oh Steve I just realized
the prison trope that does happen
in this movie around now
when she's starting to plot revenge
she starts to work out a lot
she does yes
well the other thing too is
the address so like we said
they're sort of like you know up in
up in Washington State
they've moved to San Francisco
and she's like
why would you move and not tell me
and again Annabeth Gish
very bad at the
lying right here. Yeah, well, we
were, yeah, you know.
Well, how about just be like, I
adopted this boy and you
were a felon? Goodbye.
Dude, also, if you
fake your own
death and frame your, if
you fake your own death
and frame your wife for
the murder,
and then you're going to run off with your
son that you have with that
woman and this woman you've been fucking
on the side. Don't just move, like, you know, a day's trip away. You know what I mean?
You move to Spain, dude. Move to Spain. Also, did you talk about this at all? And he acts like,
I don't think he's even been, like, reading up about how the trial's going. He just actually,
he's like, did we ever, like, say, like, maybe don't say dad, like me and the kid, me and
Maddie, we're going to talk and say, don't say
Daddy anymore. Call me
this thing. Say Barry. Hello.
My name is Barry. That kid
is ruined. Yeah, for sure.
That kid's so fucked up. He's moving
around and murdering women.
And like, when he
offs Angie and they're living in Colorado,
he allowed, like,
she is often such
in a spectacular fashion that it's
all over the newspapers. You can't
have that. Yeah, dude.
I mean, the thing is, he's escalating.
and he's getting out of control, he's getting too cocky.
Well, that's, like, Annabeth Gish could have just said, like, oh, that's, you know, he calls my, my boyfriend, Daddy.
Exactly.
You could have gotten out of this so easily, but, like, actually, Judge smells Bruce Greenwood through the telephone, it seems like.
And she hang, they hang up the phone and like, bye, bye, prank caller, prank caller.
You can't do that.
You got to, like, smooth it out a little bit.
Exactly.
So six years go by, and she gets her parole hearing.
And again, Roma Mafia is like, you got to tell them all this, you know, shit, just lie to them so you can get your parole.
She does.
And it is fucking time to kill.
It's kind of funny because, like, Roma Mafia is like, yeah, I used to be a lawyer.
And here's how you can fucking totally kill this guy.
And it's like, I don't know that I'd be giving out that advice, man.
Because if she does it and she gets caught and it gets, you know, like again goes to another trial, it's like somewhere in that discussion, it could come up like, well, my friend.
prison totally. And then you could get totally
screwed over. I mean, it sounds like Roman
Mafia might have killed a few people.
Few husbands, maybe.
Who knows? She's not going anywhere. When Ashley Judd
is checking into the halfway house with
Tommy Lee Jones, they are
strapping Roma Mafia into
an electric chair.
And she's like,
well, no, I had double jabberty.
Like, that's not a real thing. Here's your
lethal injection. Oh, could you tell Libby?
Oh, I'm dead. You're killed.
18 people, ma'am.
They're not all double jeopardy.
So, yeah, we go to
she moves into a halfway house. It is
run by Tommy Lee Jones. Halfway
House, all for women, led by Tommy
Lee Jones, which it leads me to
believe that this movie is
like a spiritual prequel
to, what was that movie, Man of the House?
What was that movie where he was like in
the sorority for some reason? That is indeed
man of the house. Well, I didn't, I never saw
that. Chris Cabin. It sounds like you're an expert.
I think, like, there's a stalker who is, like, trying to get one of the girls...
But he's just, like, the university deputizes him as lady protector?
He's a...
He's a Texas, I think.
He's a Texas ranger.
Yes.
And he's assigned to, like, oh, no, you know what it is?
Cabin?
Some of the girls in the sorority house or whatever, they're, like, cheerleaders or something.
Yeah.
They witness somebody get killed.
Ah, that's it, yes.
And so he's, like, protecting them kind of a thing.
Okay, so it wasn't like, hey, kids, I'm here on a...
Anti-rayed protection.
I will make sure it doesn't happen.
No, definitely not.
But I do believe Tommy Lee Jones
roller skates in that movie.
To be clear, that whole movie is,
oh, geez, makeup?
Well, I don't know about that.
Oh, gee, fancy drinks.
Well, I don't know about that.
Hold on, you're wearing a pink shirt, huh?
What will they think of next?
I don't care who you are.
That's funny.
So he's like, you know, giving her
the low down and it's like
you know no fucking around in here you're going to go
get some gainful employment
curfews at 830
you know don't don't fuck around
in my halfway house is the basic
gist here he's got some great
sideburns here I'm a real fan
of this hair I like this haircut it's a bad movie
smart haircut I feel like those sideburns like he's
looking at himself with a mirror and he's like
I don't know Tom you're getting awful close
looking like a hippie
trim those sideburns
He had to do something to make himself not look exactly like Sam Gerard, who he's essentially playing in this movie.
He's exactly playing.
If Sam Gerard fucking bottomed out and was just working at this halfway house as like a parole officer.
I'm now just a top.
Yes.
I am all bottomed out.
It is top from here on out.
Sam Gerard got like a bunch of deweys.
And now his wife, like, I don't know.
Does he have a wife?
I don't think he has a wife in the future.
no yeah he's a single gentleman i believe because his wife uh leman is his name in this
yeah yes and his wife has left him and he doesn't talk to his daughter who is grown up it seems
is like a teenager at least what's funny i was unclear if they were dead or not oh yeah no because there's
some back and forth between some women at the halfway house like telling the tale of tommy lee jones
that was ridiculous yeah and one lady's like oh yeah he was he got a dewey but he fucking killed his
family and then like in a car accident the lady there's another lady that's like no no no that's not
what happened uh he got the dewy and then she the wife like left him and like bankrupted him or
something like that yeah okay um guess what it comes to nothing he never hear about it again yeah
yeah it doesn't matter but the only thing is like well the it matters in so far as the lady's
like and and he never saw his child again so like that's why a motivation later in yeah
the movie like when he's helping her
and it's also very important to know
that he is doing
he's a
an ex-law professor
FYI
oh yeah
a lot of law professors where you wouldn't think they'd be
in this movie
prison
halfway houses
well Roma Mafia says that she was a straight up
a lawyer at one point
yes
if you're a lawyer
law professor don't you have to be a lawyer
yeah I guess you're probably right
But maybe not practicing, I don't know.
Yeah, in 1999, when they heard, wait, a lawyer in jail?
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
It's not the bottom of the ocean, but it's a start.
Absolutely.
So it's her, like, first day out in the public world,
and she goes to the library to try to find her kid,
or Angie specifically trying to find a trace of Angie.
and this
fucking serial killer
walks up to her
and it's one of those
crazy things where it's like
oh I've been in jail
for so long
that like the internet
was invented
and I don't really know
how to use it
which is always a fascinating
thing when I see that
in stories of any kind
so she's like
kind of staring at this computer
and this guy comes up
like oh you need a little help
there oh by the way
nice shampoo
the nice shampoo is a lot
I mean like here's the thing
guys out there
and ladies who might
try to use this move, but I think this is a strictly
dude move. If you're like
oh, nice shampoo,
you're given away that you're just
smelling someone. Yeah, yeah.
And nobody wants to know
from a stranger that they've been getting whiffed.
Oh, hey, cool sneakers.
I love Converse. Awesome.
Anyways, something.
Even if it's a thing where it's like a totally
like it's a Garnier fructee
sour apple shit that you can
smell across the library,
you just don't say it. I don't want
be told that I'm getting sniffed. Nobody wants to know that you like their hair
smelled. Nobody wants to know that you think their tutsies are cute. Keep it on
covert mode, everybody. Private browsing. Nice shampoo. Is that
a jolly rancher? Sour apple? Anyway, he follows it up with the creepy line of
let's do some surfing. Oh, wow, I missed
that one. Yeah, dude, web surfing. Hey, hey lady. You know you could get
poured on this, huh? Yeah. You can get pouring on this. No, let me show you where there's
porn on this. Here we go. Oh, man. Doesn't she look delicious?
Got some sweet hair sniffing vids. Hey, before I leave, could I just get some of your hair
real quick? Just to just cut out the middleman here. I don't want to pluck it from your head
accidentally. Look, I don't want to lie to you, lady. I just need to lock your hair to tie around
my dick while I jerk off, okay? I brought my own scissors. Here we go. I thought I'd save you
the trouble. I brought my own scissors. Yeah, nobody wants to know the smell move. Like, the smell
move is like you've had sex with somebody. Ooh, did you change your shampoo? That's when you
can bring it up. I really feel. Totally. Not the first time you are saying something to a person.
My favorite. So the thing in this, what I really got stuck in Becraw about the prison stuff is because
in this scene, she says, you know, like, I wasn't in some like honky tonk jail. I was in prison.
And I'm like, you weren't in the riot from natural born killers. You were fucking bunking with
your two best friends in a happy place. Sure, but just the difference of like a jail is like
where the drunk tank is kind of a thing. Or like holding or something. Yeah, exactly. I mean,
if it's for six years, who's in a drunk tank for six years? Exactly. That's why it's
Rush Limbaugh. But that's why it's prison. That's why she's saying I was in prison. I wasn't like,
I didn't get arrested for public urination and spent the night in a cell. I was in fucking prison for
several years. That's the distinction. But you have
to know that this side, that's just going to turn this guy on
more. Yeah. I mean, look at his face. Look at
what we're doing there. Yeah, but this
guy, so this guy, you know, he's like,
they go on the Northwest Lib link
by the way, which is, I guess, for a library
link, but I was just sort of like,
Lebs. Oh yeah, we're going to get on the Lib link.
Is this where you're going to see?
That's they called Twitter. Is this
where you're going to see all the cannibalism
and pedophilia?
Oh, shit. Dude.
Nice. What's that URL? Let me write it down
real quick.
It is kind of a weird thing, though.
It's like, oh, yeah, here's, like, the
directory of teachers in Washington
State, and you can check and see
if someone is a certified educator. Is that a real
thing? I'm sure it's not.
Okay, fair enough.
I really got it.
So, yeah,
she gets the guy out of her hair
by being, like, because he's like,
oh, you want to go get a drink after this?
Yeah, after our fucking sexy
ass library research. And she's
oh no you know I was in prison I was a convicted of murdering my husband and the guy's like have a nice day
slice and dice is what the newspaper described oh right yeah wouldn't she be sort of famous like you know what I mean
just a little bit like one of those things like you know what I mean like a you should be on like date line
and shit you know what I mean yeah I think you're right Steve but I feel like if you were just like
to see one of those people in public sure you might not put the face to the crime necessary it's
not like it's fucking O.J. Simpson. People were still watching hard copy though, right?
Well, yeah. Was hard copy still around in 1999? Maybe not in 99, but I feel like when this
was like being made at least. Would have it. Inside edition, yeah. But like, you know, maybe it was
local news covered it and this dude's just there for college and he just got there.
It has been six years. You want like, I couldn't remember anyone that died six years ago. I don't
care if their family. Well, Steve, like, I mean, this, this is a bad example because this woman got off
when she definitely shouldn't have.
But, like, if you had to look at a police lineup,
could you identify Casey Anthony?
Oh, I have no idea.
Yeah, that's fair.
You know what I mean?
So, like, yeah, Eric's right.
Like, six years have passed.
They fucking forgot this lady.
There's been so many more high-profile murders.
Also, by the way, Casey, call me for that drink.
Oh, man.
So she looks it up and oops.
Her name's like Angie Green or some horseshit.
There's a million of them.
She's like, oh, that was a waste of time.
Right, yeah.
and she finds there's a scene of Tommy Lee Jones kicking this other woman out of
and again Tom Lee Jones first built in this movie
doesn't show up for a half hour and like it's an Ashley Judd movie
I mean it's obviously I feel like this should even be an and Tommy Lee Jones scenario
how little he's in it absolutely it's insane yeah I think I clocked it
it's like 33 minutes until he comes into the film this was 100% of victory lap
movie where like he was offered an insane amount of money to do it he got paid 10 million
for this movie. Just to do, and he has
like, I'm not like maybe 20 minutes
ultimately. You told it it all up. Yeah. I mean, because so much of this
movie is just her doing the legwork, trying to track down Bruce Greenwood.
Yeah. So, uh, it's fucking.
It's insane. It's shitty, dude.
He's kicking this woman out for, uh, apparently she used to be a
prostitute and it seems like she's going back to her old ways.
Yeah. Kind of a thing is like, where you are, I tried a McDonald's and a green
fishnatch. And it's like, oh, no, that's the craziest thing. He's judging it.
she's like I was at work
and he's like oh yeah you're going to McDonald's
wearing those fishnets stuff so like fucking
totally trashing the fact that she
works at a McDonald's like pretty cool
so yeah that this is the part where
because when he's kicking this woman out he's being really nasty
about it and this is where the two other ladies
like give the backstory about him
getting the Dewey and he's divorced
and lost his child and all that stuff
and she's like all right that's cool that inspires
me to break into my child's
former school and try to check
down Annabeth Gish's fucking
you know transfer records or
whatever she actually calls some lady there first
trying to get it naturally like
where's my kid and
this lady's like you know it's been
six years maybe you should just never
see your child again
it's such an insane thing she's
like she's like now look at it
this way Ashley Judd like
it's been six years
do you really just want to drop in
on your son now
wouldn't you rather go the rest of your life
without seeing you.
I mean, like, yeah, if it was like your ex-girlfriend, your ex-boyfriend, sure, six years is
like, maybe let it go.
It's your child.
Yeah, it's insane.
And that's, I feel like there's maybe a deleted plot thread where it's like this school
administrator, that terrible lawyer, like, they're all on Bruce Greenwood's payroll.
Yeah, what is, yeah, what is the argument here?
Like, yes, just let this national scandal go on and maybe, you know what, maybe you could
die.
Maybe you could find a lake, put rocks you around.
your ankles and die, so that we could all just keep on doing what we're doing here.
Like, what the fuck was your argument?
I think it's just, she's trying to pull some crap about, like, privacy or something.
But it does not hold water, man.
Tell me where my kid is.
So she winds up breaking into this thing.
I guess the school is located on the dunes.
I don't know what is going on.
Yeah, well, these, like, weird islands out there in Washington State, man,
Chelsea and I went to a couple of them a few years ago.
It's some weird isolated shit.
some cases, so, like, I'd believe it.
But she's
foiled by the two
clumbiziest cops I've ever
seen. This guy cannot stand
up straight. Dude, I think these
people are policing Keystone County
with these cops. I mean, also,
Ashley Judd is doing a terrible job
breaking into this place. This is insane.
The cops show up, and she's upstairs,
and she's, like, just, like, rattling a couple
of keys together to try to open a
fucking goddamn file.
I think she's nervous. I think it was.
idea. And when the cups, when she
opens the shades to see that the cops are, guess what
she does? She turns on a light to let them
know she's there. Yeah, bad move.
Bad move, Ashley Judd.
Totally bad move there. It's
a sad. Just hide somewhere. That's why
she needed to go to a real prison to learn really
how to break into places as opposed to this Mickey Mouse
horseshit, dude. That's fair. That's fair. You get more
like, you know, on the job training
and shit. Exactly.
Excuse me, Warden.
You know, I'm really trying to get the most
out of my prison experience.
Could you send me to, like, a really hard-hitting institution?
I really want to learn the ins and outs of being, like, a real super criminal.
They'll teach you TVVCR repair or lockpicking.
No, actually, Chad, you know, yeah, I'm a lawyer, so I know, I know the criminal mine as well.
The best thing to do when you're breaking in is to make as much noise as possible and flashlights on and off.
It's the best thing to do in that case.
So this is when she starts running around.
This guy falls through a window or something.
and then the high speed dune chase
I'm waiting for fucking sandworm to get this lady
oh that would have been cool dude
all of a sudden this movie's like a mystical
like sci-fi horror fantasy thing
I'm into it you know if Bruce Willis
like isn't a car exit he's the lead of a movie
and he's in a car exit where the fucking Jeep
flips like seven times
total rollover here almost goes into the ocean
like I might believe he can get out of that
and start running after this dude
but these two fucking donuts
coming out and chasing after her
I'm like give me a fucking break
you are totally right Chris I had the exact same thought
because these two guys get out of this
and like the shot is like
and action and these two guys like crawl out of this thing
totally fine like no way
at least the one dude like because we've met
this cutter guy before so his partner
that dude should at least be like knocked unconscious
or something sure and then like she
they catch her like oh what were you doing
and they put her in jail
and then, like, Tomlin Jones, like,
hey, you violated parole, hip, hip, hip,
and it's like, sure, but you also committed
another crime. We got a fresh set of crimes right here.
We got a B&E, we got evading arrest.
Assaulted a police officer, probably, because they always
stick you with that bullshit. Of course.
Oh, yeah, dude, if you're being arrested, you fucking fart.
It's like, oh, yeah, you assaulted me
with your fucking buttwind.
Yeah, I was arresting,
you were talking about late period, Seinfeld.
Oh, that's assault.
That's assault.
do not bring up the Puerto Rican Day Parade episode to me
oh no no damn it
I was right I was about to do it
and then I hesitated and I'm glad you took
to get ran with it Steve
there is a great I think it's Tommy Lee Jones
one of his greatest deliveries of all time
up there with like I don't care
like up there is he's just like you fucking idiot
he just calls her a fucking idiot this movie
It's great.
Because they're driving back to the halfway house and we're on a ferry.
And this is when she's like, oh, is that your daughter, you piece of shit?
And he's like, you know what?
I don't need this shit.
I'm going up top.
I'm a bad parole officer.
I'm like, dude, I know that like she's psychologically abusing you.
Just sit there and take it.
Yeah.
Why don't you stop being such a fucking baby?
The fact that he handcuffs her to the car and is like, now you stay there.
Okay, my keys, wait, let me make sure they're firmly in the ignition.
Total fucking boomer move, dude.
I never leave my keys in the ignition.
Let me make sure I got my escape kit underneath the car window here.
Okay, I got my knives all under here.
They're just here, Ashley, Jed, before I go get a drink, just in case you were wandering.
Oh, you better believe he's boozing up the coffee he gets on this ferry, though, Chris.
You know what, you can talk about my daughter all you want.
Do not talk about that episode where Newman wants to eat Kramer because he smells like turkey.
It's stupid.
It's just stupid. I can't handle it.
Oh, the butter shave. I love it.
Yeah, I like it.
I do. I do. It's just kind of dumb.
It's kind of, it's one of, it's one of those things where if you just accept that
from season seven onto the rest of the show, it's just a completely absurd different show.
Yes.
Totally fine. It actually reminds me of my policy about the final two seasons of, well,
what were the final two seasons of the X-Files when Annabeth Gish and Robert Patrick come on,
if you just again pretend like
that's not the show you've loved for several years
but a different show that's kind of the same
it still works
it's kind of a spin off almost at that
exactly yeah yeah it's like Golden Palace
X Miles golden golden palace
so she's like
okay cool I am going to start up this car
and try to jam the handle
of the door against this pole
that's outside to break it up
because he cuffs her to the
handle of the door
trying to break it open to escape Bruce Beresford has to have like a DJ on this boat or something to have me believe that nobody's hearing these crunching cars exactly it's so dumb no one sees a hatchback go over the top dude like what are you talking about I don't know how anyone didn't everyone missed that you know what it's kind of like the core joke where the guys got the headphones and the and the fucking airplane is almost about to go up his butt like it's it's that except it's like some guy
there. He's like, what was that?
I never mind it. I'm not going to turn around. That's too much exercise.
You know what, though? I appreciate the hustle here because Tommy Lee Jones is like, you know
what? I'm kind of at work here, but I might be able to get some day drinking in. I might
be able to get a little lid. Gotta sneak it in. Do well, because he's like, all right, so this
ferry ride's going to take five minutes. Let me just put this belt of scotch in my coffee and
chug it really fast. Well, I'm going to tell the captain of the ship here that I am an armed
working for the where does he was he
I think he just works for this halfway house
but isn't he like
he's a parole officer yeah so I guess you work
for Washington state whatever yeah
like I'm going to tell the captain
I'm an on parole officer and I'm here with
somebody then I'm taking back to prison
but first a little drinkie pie
and then I'll get right to that
and they'll understand what's going on
I'm going to use my pull
as an agent of the parole
board to go up and ask
this captain to slow down this very
ride a little bit. Really
soak up all the great
fairyness we have right here.
I need the booze.
He's just drinking, looking at the water. You know,
honestly, at least you're not the
Seinfeld Chronicles episode.
Like, pre-Alane, that's bullshit.
I'll tell
you a character I can get behind is
Elaine's father. Now, that
is a guy that your heart just
goes out to immediately.
Could not have more Lawrence Tierney on that
show. What do you do to
Jerry Seinfeld? Oh, that's hilarious. That's great. Sometimes I just think about Lawrence Tierney
pulling a knife on Jerry Seinfeld and laugh and laugh. It's good. So yeah, the car fucking goes
off the ferry, the first one, and then like finally he notices what's going on and runs down
and like tries to like stop her. And then they all go off in his car. They're like fighting in the
fucking car and then he's like trying to get the
handcuffs off. It's like let's go to hell
tonight. What they don't show is him
definitely putting his drink down and putting like a little
piece of paper on top of it like I'm
coming a real I'm coming back
for this move. Nobody touched this
boozed up coffee I have.
Or actually he should be like
oh shit and then chugs
it. Yes that's the move.
I will say this movie looks mostly fine
but the fake car sinking to the bottom
I didn't need that shot.
That looks like crap.
When they swim away from it, especially.
That's really bad.
Trash.
Yep.
Yep.
So she escapes.
She knocks him on the head with his own gun, which again, like, dude, you are losing
your job.
This dude sucks.
So he's bleeding and stuff.
So he has to like not, you know, he doesn't catch her.
She swims across because, again, she's gotten, like, really fit in prison.
There's a dumbass thing here that comes to nothing and they make such a big deal out of it where
like a little boy sees her swimming away.
and I feel like you at least need a two-second thing
of the little boy being like,
she went that way, Tommy Lee Jones.
Yes.
Well, that would be if, like,
if you had told the captain or any of the staff
that, like, you have a prisoner with you,
like, they might have followed her
and been like, call the cops
and fucking go and meet her on the other side of the fucking lake.
Yeah, that's true.
It's like, do you have to announce,
like, when you're doing a prisoner transport like that?
I think you have to.
If you're getting somebody who is, like,
author parole like that.
And a murderer. A former murderer.
Also just don't leave this woman in a car
like a dog you don't care about.
Keep in mind there are like
cheap books being written about this
woman and her fucking murder.
Like airport novels.
Oh, definitely.
What happens after this is like she goes and visits her
mother and gets a bunch of fucking
money that it was hidden in
the tomato plants. Yeah.
We need the first half of
this conversation. Yes. Yeah. Where like
she shows up and it's like mom and i'm in trouble here you know yada yada there's a line earlier in
the film when she she has um angie there take the the kid she's like i can't have my parents
raising this it seems like there's a lot of bad blood and then she just shows up and her mom
is like oh hey i thought you'd come for some tomato money someday here's a sack of tomato money
there's all this money i hit under the tomatoes the only thing they really do to suggest
what bad happened before is like I guess her dad she's like your dad's outplayed jit so he must
have been an owning mahoney type situation yeah the dad's a degenerate gambler and actually
judge just tried to be like look I get no thrill from this I can't stand seeing you throw away
our savings but I guess it kind of ties into that's why this old woman was burying money
underneath tomato plants so this dude doesn't gamble it away playing gin it's tomato money
man you just you just put it aside
for when you need tomatoes there's always
money in the tomato
plants
exactly and here's something
so you get all this money cool
first things fucking first
get a haircut
dye your motherfucking hair
it's driving me crazy in this movie
yep like Ashley Judd is not that actually
remarkable like you wouldn't be like
what does she look like you know what I mean
it's not if she dyed her hair put on some sunglasses
is, you would never fucking find this lady.
Yeah, absolutely.
Maybe she just didn't find her look, Steve.
Yeah, that's fair.
But it's just kind of funny because, like, she comes up with all of these really, like,
creative ways to get information.
Like, in the next thing, she goes to a car dealership, and she's like, oh, I'm looking
to buy this BMW, like, yeah, run my credit or whatever.
And she's given Annabeth Gish's name, you know, as the person so she can get the ad.
Like, that's pretty creative.
Yeah, sure.
So it's like, you'd think if you can come up with that shit, you can come up with, oh, I should probably get a haircut.
Blonde hair, great idea.
And it's like, the whole thing comes back.
It's like, oh, no, Angela Ryder, Evergreen, Colorado.
Why are you buying a car out here in California or wherever the fuck they are?
Washington at this point?
Washington, yeah.
And she just, like, walks out of the dealership, like, thank you very much.
At this point, Tom Lee Jones is, like, kind of getting dressed out by his boss.
Like, will you drink?
He's like, no.
I can smell it through the phone, Tommy Lee Jones.
This guy, Carl, who is odd, like, has some of, like, my favorite lines are, like, after the fucking crash on the ferry, Carl comes and meets him, and he's like, God, this is just fucking great.
This is fucking great, Lehman.
It's like, lay off me, Carl, okay?
Fuck off, Carl.
Okay, Carl.
I don't need this shit.
My truck's down to the bottom of the lake now, Carl, okay?
Carl.
So's my drink.
God dang it.
God dang it.
My flask fell out of my, I mean.
Nope, never mind. Definitely not drinking at work.
So your department owes me a new gun and a new flask.
So he goes to try to find Ashley Judd by going to a credit union where this woman who used to be, I guess, under his supervision at the halfway house, like has a job.
And she's like, dude, I can't give out that personal information like that.
And he goes, okay, yeah, that's totally fine.
does your current employer know
that you used to perform
Fallatio for a living?
And it's like
the tiniest little cubicle
of like three or four people
and they're all like
Wait, what did that guy just say about you?
And also like now I'm definitely not giving you
the information.
The move is be like
I can blow you, I can tell everybody
what you used to do.
Like that's sort of something.
It's like you're robbing a bank, dude.
It's like you lean over the counter
it's like, I'll tell everyone
that you used to suck cock for money.
See, I think he's just
doing this willy-nilly. He's got somebody
who's not working at Wendy's and
wants a free spicy chicken sandwich
and is telling the kid who's manning
the frosting machine about all the hand jobs
she gave back in the day.
You're afraid you're going to lose this job?
Go back to the blow job.
You could give me
two spicy chicken patties and I could walk
away. Such a told me that that job
sucked.
Come on. A double-decker.
A double-decker chicken spicy.
Make it all go away.
Ooh, a double-decker dude, yeah.
This fine boy, man in the frost machine
doesn't have to hear about the gargling of balls.
Listen, the Wendy's Corporation does not let us put two patties on top of each other
for the spicy chicken sandwich.
It's too sinful.
It can't be done.
With that milkshake, the last time you held a flask of white, that...
It was calm.
I'm getting that calm.
This joke's falling apart, but it's...
You know, dude, now you're getting lazy.
You can't just say, I couldn't finish my job.
but it was come the entire time.
It happens.
Yeah, it does happen.
It does happen.
So she goes to the house in Colorado that was listed on the ye old credit check.
And this kid answers the door.
And she's like, oh, my God, is this my son?
And then it turns out to be a different family.
The woman's like, oh, we just moved in.
Why don't you ask the kindly old lady next door?
She's lived here for 40 years.
The crank gossip across the street will definitely tell you what's going to happen here.
And man, this is where shit really heats up.
pun intended because the old lady's like, oh yeah. Oh, Angie. Oh, it was so sad. She died in a gas
explosion. She's like, blew my windows out. Also, like you, these other family moved into the
explosion house. I bet they got a good ass deal. Yeah, I guess. It was like a cartoon. There's
like a big black sit spot. Like, well, we'll build our house here. Oh, you see that stain on the
carpet there? That's where her shadow was burned into the floor. I'm not telling you, burnt.
chunks of Angie just in my lawn.
Well, I guess also we, you know, you sort of realize that it's Bruce Greenwood that
probably had to sell that house. So like he probably paid to have it fixed up.
Oh, sure. You know, no one was the wiser.
He's a good guy. She mentions, oh, poor Simon and Maddie. Oh, they weren't there.
So Simon was his pseudonym in Colorado. This guy is fucking nuts.
This is a fucking dateline special I want to watch, dude. I'll tell you.
Yes, I want to know how he did it. Like, how is he falsifying all this in
new documents new social security numbers potentially this is exactly what like he is
Joan Cusack and Adam's family values that's who he is and you've just got to like put it in there
and that would be cool I would like watching like that would give me a little less timely
Jones because he comes to nothing in this movie more of like Bruce Greenwood on the grift you know
what I mean like well that's a good call dude because like there's not I mean you watch the trailer
alone and the whole movie's fucking spoiled for you but the movie itself
lets you in pretty quickly
that Bruce Greenwood is still alive, right?
Like you see him walk into that apartment.
Yeah.
Toot sweet, you know.
But the trailer, thank you for pointing that out,
includes Ashley Judd pointing a gun at him
at the end in New Orleans, literally the fucking end of the movie.
Dude, it's the footage from the parlor scene.
You can't do that.
It's really, really bad.
But it would be kind of cool if you see him like,
he's got a guy that does the documents for him, kind of a thing.
Exactly.
I'm coming back, Louie, you know, sorry.
This is how you get the no neck lawyer guy, like you expose his criminal network that's allowing him, that's helping him that is mutually beneficial.
You're totally right, dude.
There needs to be a quick montage at the end of this movie of like, that guy, the lady administrator from the elementary school, they're all getting put in handcuffs.
Like the fucking, the bald cop cutter from the beginning, like that guy should be seen putting them in the fucking squad car.
Like the whole network goes down.
You do a quick flashback and cutters the dude
like helping him off the boat or something
because you never actually know how he gets
out of that situation. That's what's missing
from that parlor scene is Bruce Greenwood
explaining how he did the whole thing
and like you get flashback sequences
of him like putting the fucking
you know his blood on the boat
and jumping off and Annabeth Gish is maybe in like a
boat next to them or something.
You know it would be better is 20 minutes of
when the saints come marching in.
instead that's what the movie does get me some st james infirmary baby that's what i want that's that
that's the song i don't think when the saints go watching it is in this movie that dude cutter though
like goes to the links of like that water is so cold this time of night like there's no way he could
live it's just weird that he's like covering for him it's just yeah i don't get it either like
it would be it would be cooler it's just like that way like you get like processed stuff like the
fugitive kind of you know what i mean like swam in that cold water i mean you never know
you don't know i mean that's why i'm assuming like that's that's another dude who you could get in on
the whole thing by the way the guy who owns this boat oh yeah he comes up in like another boat that he
owns like hop on bruce greenwood we're getting out of here boat people notorious criminals
all exactly but that's why they're always sailing out to international waters dude
uh one guy who's definitely hit on it is this fucking ridiculous british guy i get this guy
out of my movie. What, the gallery guy?
The gallery owner.
He's just like, oh, hello.
Oh, you want to Kandinsky. Interesting.
Hello. Let me just, oh, I'm a bit of
butterfingers on my compact computer.
Was it a compact?
It certainly was.
Let me put these blood diamonds away.
It's 1999.
So it's either a compact or a fucking gateway.
Remember gateway computers?
I never had a gateway.
I didn't have one.
The cow, dude.
The cow theme.
Yeah. Eric knows that I'm talking about.
Was that also the dude you're getting...
No, that's a Dell.
That's a Dell. You were getting a Dell.
You are getting a Dell.
I'm sorry the results have come back and you've got Dell.
Oh, son of a bitch of Windows operating system.
God damn it.
Ah, God.
So yeah, she pulls over to this art gallery in town in this sleepy Colorado town.
And she's like, excuse me, do you have any paintings by the world famous Vasily Kandinsky?
And the guy's like, I don't know, man.
there's a lot of paintings of fucking like bears and lakes around here.
You see where you are?
Lighthouses, that's what I got.
That's what I'm moving this week.
Exactly.
It's the Colorado Rockies Gallery.
I have a lot of interesting portraits of famous people, Frank Sinatra,
Marilyn Monroe.
Oh, here's the Goodfellas playing poker together.
Perhaps I could interest you in a Scarface.
This is Tony, this is Tony Soprano in Heaven with
with all the guys
from Goodfellas. Oh, Jesus.
I hate those things, man.
No. Seen most recently
with the fucking passing of Chadwick
Bozeman. Oh, here's Black Panther
meeting Stan Lee at the pearly gate.
God, what would they even talk about?
So, yeah, she's like,
hey, I really need to buy a Kandinsky.
You know, it's got to be from his, you know,
blue, not his blue period, but blue, whatever
that Kandinsky had going on.
you know something around like 1911 blah blah blah she finds the exact painting that bruce greenwood
had that he used to fucking cock block that guy at the beginning of the movie and she's like oh
you know could you please find out who sold it and he's like oh yeah so ding dong to tami
lee jones is at the door so she checks out like this dude goes to the door of the gallery
because timely jones has seen uh the truck that she stole like out front or something and um
so she checks like the provenance of the painting
and finds like the sale history and it's john devereux oh jonathan devereux and listing of course in
new orleans the big easy baby and this is this is kind of a great move here because she slips
out the back door and to like park to like block her in like block that truck in suspecting
that it's her truck that she stole and she just smashes this thing to pieces it's kind of awesome
Ridiculous. The whole car like flips over.
Speaking of the MCU, I thought we were in it.
Well, it's like, now, now, all right, now you owe me two cars.
God damn it, another car.
Let me get my notebook, y'all. Okay, that's two cars, a flask.
Let me see here.
Oh, man, my Jim Beam was in there. All right, now Jim Beam as well.
Whole bottle, double size.
So he's always on a trail, right?
Because now he finds out, like, through that art dealer, okay, New Orleans.
Yep. She flies to New Orleans, which I feel bad move. Yeah. That's a bad move.
It was 1999, dude. All you got to do is a fucking spit on your hand and shake the fucking TSA agent.
Shake the head of the TSA agent. You're getting out of plane. That's true.
Was there even TSA back then? I don't even know. I mean, I like, yeah, they had the same.
They weren't as emboldened to be pieces of shit as they are now. But they were also.
like playing patty cake most of the time they weren't like handling your junk drugs and guns and
shit you could just fly with well it's just it was the metal detector like if you could pass the metal
detector that was it you cracked it that's it yeah you got it i do yeah so the first act of this
movie is it's important to realize it's you know it's setting up the the murder and the second act
is all about her uh escaping and the and the trail to find bruce greenwood the third act is
New Orleans, baby.
The fucking craziest change in a movie I've ever seen in my life.
It's weird, man.
And, you know, I'll tell you, I've never had the privilege yet of visiting New Orleans.
Great city.
It's great city.
It's one of those towns, right, where it's like you cannot just have New Orleans show up in the third act.
Because it completely changes the entire look, sound, and attitude of your motion picture.
Also, Ashley Judd is seen on Bourbon Street and she's not holding her nose closed the whole time, which is, you know, it just stuck out to me.
I'm going to, you know, I don't want to talk about reality and movies and stuff, but it stuck out to me.
I mean, is that where they dump all the shit into the street?
I mean, it smells like piss, shit and fucking vomit all the time.
It's a college party as a street.
Yeah.
Yeah. That's pretty cool.
So this is the big easy, and I was wondering now, like, it's about time we made a big hard.
Oh, okay. What would that be?
I don't know. It's got to be
maybe near the Gulf
of Mexico as well, but it's got
to be like, I don't know
you get punched in the face when you show up.
What would make it hard?
Oh, you know what? The big
hard could be. It could be that abandoned
BP oil rig where the spill
happened. Yeah, that's our pirate
fucking island.
We're called the Big Hard.
That's a place where you can fucking frame your wife for murder.
and nobody will care.
Down here on the big heart.
Oh, yeah, it's a big heart.
I do think, but it's like having,
but I do think you can just go to New Orleans
and be cool about it.
You know what I mean?
Like you sort of see,
you establish Bourbon Street,
maybe blah, blah, blah, blah.
You go to, you're in a jazz club,
but it's not too overbearing.
But it's like the end of the movie.
If it's like, we're in New York,
let's go to Times Square and hit,
they get a Broadway show.
Oh, here's a, my name is Tony Pizza Pie.
it's too much with
the New Orleans. I thought they were going to run
through a restaurant and have like Emerald be
scared. Like at one point
it was that close.
Dude, it would be fucking hilarious if that happened
and then like, you know, she runs out in the
street and like Tommy Lee Jones is chasing her.
He fucking fires off a gun and Emerald's like,
bam!
I heard a bam.
Bam, baby dead.
I like this.
So yeah,
she goes down there looking for him
as Jonathan Devereaux.
She gets an address
and the address is like a swank hotel.
So she goes to like another
or she goes in there at first, right?
And she's like looking for him
and the lady's like at the desk.
He's like, oh, well he'll be back tonight
for the big party or whatever.
This is a mistake on your part, dude.
Again, get the fuck out of the country.
A, you have to be aware
that your ex-wife is paroled
and also missing.
You got to keep tabs on the people
you're fucking over.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, well, Steve, you,
You compared this character to Joan Cusack in Adam's family.
That was Chris, but yes.
Oh, sorry.
No, sorry.
It's just so much sexy sounds in my ears.
I can't even fucking tell.
But, like, in that, that character is, you know, she's like laying low.
She's changing identity.
She's staying under the radar.
She's definitely changing her hair.
All of that shit.
Bruce Greenwood is like the toast of the town.
He's doing Bachelor auctions for himself.
Like, do not do this.
And everybody fucking knows Jonathan Devereux.
Several women have slept with Jonathan Devereaux at this point.
No, no, no, no, egg lawyer.
You don't understand how I'm going to do this.
It's so simple, you see.
How are they going to find Nick Parsons when they're looking for John Devereaux?
Let's get into it.
I mean, and again, like in my New York thing, it's like, are you going to just talk like this for the rest?
Hey, I live in New York's now.
That's me.
I live in New York.
Bo ba-Bo-Bo-Dab-Dab-A-B-Da-B-Dadee pizza.
The Jew-Lah and Voxlux decision.
Yeah, that is a straight out of the fucking Staten Island dump.
That accent and that movie.
You got that accent out of a fucking crackerjackbox.
I mean, his accent is terrible in this movie doing John Devereaux,
but at the same time, it's like, you cannot be a socialite.
I'm sorry.
Once you fucking set people up for murder and have killed people and have...
You're on your third fake life, maybe, fourth?
I don't know if Nick was real.
Yeah, exactly.
Was Nick Parsons, the fucking OG or what?
Yeah, that's a great point, dude.
You can't be going around like you're this, you know, the king of the ball here.
And here's the other thing, too, if you're speaking with this incredibly specific accent, right?
It's like, oh, cool, Jonathan Devereaux.
So that means you must have grown up around here.
Where did you grow up?
Where were you born?
Where's your family?
Bourbon Street, Barbin Street, Bourbon Street.
I was born on Bourbon Street. I'm going to die on Bourbon Street, too.
I only drink a beta. That's right.
He could be an alien that like takes over, like scans people and like, okay, now I can talk like this dialect.
But this is what you should do, though. Here's the move, right?
Is you go down there and you become Johnny Callahan in New Orleans, specifically.
And it's like, hey, bro, I'm Johnny Callahan.
Yeah, I grew up in Boston.
You'll definitely not ask me about that shit,
because you won't know where I'm fucking talking about.
And this accent seems even reasonable to you
because you're not from Boston.
That's got to be the other thing, right?
All of these native New Orleans residents have to be like,
why is that guy talking like faghorn leghorn?
Look, egg lawyer, I decided to lay low.
What I'm going to do is I'm going to buy a hotel
in the middle of Bourbon Street,
and I'm going to have events there.
I have events there all the time.
I cannot get enough of you saying
Egg lawyer, by the way.
I just now I'm
expecting a, you know, a very
like noirish lit office
with you have the blinds are drawn and
egg turns around.
Smoking a cigarette.
Jonathan Devereau, this is Eggloyer. Good news.
You beat the case.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
You got off Scott Free.
By the end of it, the jury's brains were
scrambled.
Got this case cracked.
You're going to the big easy, more like the over easy.
That was terrible.
No, I like that.
Well, of course you would.
You know, this story wasn't a magazine.
I might call it hard-boiled.
I've decided to figure out a way to work Benedict in.
And I guess, like, Arnold Benedict?
I don't know, treachery-in-law.
Then I got lost.
So I ran out of eggs.
You didn't just go straight to cum after that?
Oh, yeah, the cum eggs.
Yeah, you guys know what I'm talking about.
Come, whatever.
Shut up.
It's gum.
That egg is white.
Kind of like, come.
Yeah, but yeah, come omelet.
Oh, God.
But again, like, if you're drinking with your buddies and like, oh, yeah, that's right.
We had a great weekend at the hotel.
It was awesome, man.
It was just really cool.
What happened to your accent there, buddy?
What's going on?
Are you having sex with a woman?
You're like, oh, my God.
God is so. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Like, you would lose it. By the way, come omelet. Um, let's not.
Pardon? Yeah, it was a joke. Oh, I got you. Folks at home are laughing. I see.
All right. An omelette. Yeah. Chris Cabin introduced the concept of a come omelette. I don't say,
um, let's not like omelette. Oh, I see. Try to keep up, boys.
should have given me a trail guide to that joke
I need a map
pick up the map at the start of the journey
so Tommy Lee Jones gets down there
he goes immediately to the you know the police precinct
I guess on Bourbon Street
and he's like
oh have you seen this woman
and the guy's like no and he goes
okay that's cool well she just came down here
to kill one of your prominent citizens
that's all
and then they put out APBs on her
etc she winds up
going to this big gala
she's all dressed up
and you know it's a bidding war
for him for Jonathan Devereaux
and he's like hello it's to be the
king of Norlands baby
all right
listen up everybody
here's the thing
we're gonna have a fair bachelor auction
tonight that means a cause
none of you fine beautiful women out here
that I've had sexual intercourse with before
can participate in the auction
we gotta give some new blood of chance
someone really needs to like point out
that accent be like this
he's like this is tall if he's nice
be nice come on
I'm a hotter than a crowd
in some end too fay
you know we don't talk like that
usually we'll be honest
you know I just don't do that
honey I got to tell you I had a great
time at Jonathan Devereaux's
party tonight it was really great but I have
to say why does he
sound like a cartoon rooster
I cannot get over
it's almost as if he's not
from here like he claims to be and speaks like how he thinks we would speak it's as if he
searched the keywords for new orleans and just says those things over and over again that's
right everybody is me jonathan devereau and benye benye benye and sazirac to you too
i just i cannot and so like you know she outbids this other woman for like 10 000
dollars that was like oh oh who's doing that and Ashley Judd and it's a fine little reveal here she's
like hello Nick yeah I'm totally down with this reveal absolutely because she yeah she's like
hiding in the back and then the other lady is definitely like oh well that's all right Jonathan
I've definitely had that D before oh there's a crazy thing I was just looking at my notes
there's some other guy that like introduces Jonathan Devereaux and it's I don't know what
was leading up to this, but it's
he's just like, you know,
something happened before whatever
and he goes, even before the
war of northern aggression.
And all the people of the party go,
boo!
Fuck the Union Army,
boo!
Which is a lot.
It's a lot. It's a total lot.
Well, that toast is still happening,
by the way.
So whatever,
she's like, you know, now he's all hot under the car.
like oh my god what i'm what i'm gonna do here and she's like what you're gonna do is you're
gonna give me my son in a public place i'm not gonna go anywhere private with you pretty smart you know
like you know absolutely there is a hilarious bruce greenwood line though because he's trying to say
like like oh you know um we were having serious money problems and that's why i got the life
insurance policy for you i never thought they would convict you and he goes if i had any guts
I would have killed myself.
Well, that's true.
And she's like, yeah, you're full of shit.
I'll meet you tomorrow, blah, blah, blah.
She hides in a bar for a little bit.
I mean, love this kindly old bartender character that helps her out.
If I was a discuser, I'd be like, well, your plan turned out perfectly and it seemed to happen with me being sent to jail.
So if it didn't go perfectly, why aren't you like scrambling?
Like, I think this is all explained by just saying that fucking, you know, whoever he is,
fucking Nick Parsons, John Devereaux, CIA.
Oh, yeah, that's the move.
There you go.
The old I work for the CIA, Tray.
I think this is true lies.
You can't convict a dude.
He works for the CIA, you know?
That's it, dude.
I'm sorry that you had a son with him and had a reasonable life briefly,
but he had to convict you of a crime so he could go destabilize Iran.
exactly
he's got things to do honey
there's a great moment here
so like this bartender
you know the cops come into this bar
that she's trying to eat at
and the guy like holds up the wanted sign
like there's going to be people looking for you
all over the place and he gives her an umbrella
like oh the cops are here get out of here
because it's raining outside and there's a hilarious
moment where like she's pretty convinced
the cops are onto her and she sees a cop on a horse
and then like lightning strikes
thunder claps and this horse goes crazy
and that's why she's able to avoid the cops for a little bit
I love a spooked horse.
It's one of my favorite tropes in movies.
And the guy playing the, like, horse cop, the look on his face, oh, holy shit, holy shit.
This has only happened like, well, 1,700 times probably.
We're not supposed to take him out in the rain because he gets a little scared.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, so she, like, escapes here.
Tommy Lee Jones kind of like starts to put the pressure on Bruce Greenwood and like, oh, you look an awful lot like Nick Parsons.
He's like, what, what, why you mean a dick of Parson?
What are you talking about?
How about we do a croffing ball and relax a bit?
He even says, he goes to his office and he's like, rubbing him the wrong way.
He's like, you know what?
Why don't you go out the back and have yourself a fantastic Norland style breakfast?
Oh, right.
He's like, egg st. Jock's or something.
And I think he even, it kind of sounds like he says,
Egg St. Jack.
Yeah.
And I was like, see, your dumb fucking accent is failing.
you right now, dude.
Oh, Egg St. Jack is the name of his lawyer.
He's just calling him.
You'll be hearing for my lawyer.
Egg St. Jack.
I want a fucking cartoon
where it's a Humpty Dumpty-esque
figure, but he's just a boring lawyer.
It's a Sheldon for fucking Garfield
and friends.
So they meet the next morning at the cemetery.
And I don't know if this is
a thing in New Orleans.
You know, because, like, the, the processions for funerals are obviously a very famous thing.
Sure.
And so when she's meeting Bruce Greenwood outside the cemetery, there's one that happens to be going into the cemetery.
And I don't, have you guys noticed this when you were in New Orleans?
Again, I've never been.
But, like, there are tourists taking pictures of the funeral procession?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's happening all the time.
Oh, that is so gauche.
That is so gauche.
No way.
Cemetery are big tourist attractions.
I know that the cemeteries themselves are, but like, I don't know,
something about taking a picture of a procession, that's a bit.
Like, look, he's got a tuba, snap.
I went to one cemetery down there, and I don't believe I had the pleasure of seeing a fresh one go in.
No.
I went to the one with the Nicholas Cage.
Oh, you saw the pyramid?
I saw the pyramid.
And that one is, like, near a road, so it's not this one.
And there's not so many tourists because they're not going right down the road.
I went there, too.
loved. And literally this happened and went on a couple of walking
tours there. No one, everyone
in New Orleans, at least
when I went two years ago from my honeymoon,
could not talk enough shit about Nicholas Cage
and how much they hated him. It's like,
is that right? Oh, and then they built that
stupid old cemetery, that stupid
gravestone. Look how dumb it looks.
All right, that's it. We're not going there.
That's it. We're done. I was about to suggest we do
a tour date there one day, but
they're like, oh, you know, like he was
being, it just seems like he was kind of an
asshole about it. He's, of course he's an asshole.
he's a god in the cage the cage comes around you just say yes sir that's what i'd be doing i will say
another part of this movie i wish we got more time with is uh the the gang of fucking like the
fagin like a gang of child fucking criminals what is john denverer has been getting going here
because like see so she he's like all right you know she's like well where's mattie and he's like all right
is right well i all he oh no it's just you okay uh he's right over there um and she sees it this
kid down the way and like it's all
these above ground tombs so he's like
he keeps giving her the slip and then
John Devereaux
gets her alone and smashes her head against
a tomb and he gives his kid like a 20
I'm like what where did you find
this child I don't know dude
but then that kid went back to his little gang of
thieves and then the rest of the little ones
they all went out and fucking stab somebody to death
with nail clippers
just a bunch of like
like the brood
yes exactly he just leaves
her in the mausoleum
like out in front
and then a bunch of kids
just come and like
eat the flesh off her fucking body
oh my god
yeah those are the real New Orleans
vampires do you see you go
what you gotta do is you gotta starve
them first you see
and then they'll eat bodies for you
you know and here's the thing
if you're showing me
a eerie pale child
running through a cemetery
day or night
that shit out of a horror movie
and I was getting creeped out
this is when I mean like
Here's the thing, Bruce Greenwood, you know, you're doing, you have escalated.
You blew up fucking, uh, you blew up Annabeth Gish, good for you.
You need to kill this.
You're not a Batman villain in tubing people.
What's so stupid about this, too?
It's like, not only does he entomb her alive, he leaves the fucking gun on her.
Yeah, that's pretty dumb.
Does he know about the gun, though?
Probably not.
You got to pat somebody down.
You got to pat somebody down, absolutely.
Uh, and the, but the other terrifying thing, though,
is not only is she locked in that the mausoleum
he puts her in a fucking coffin
locks it with the body from the previous tenant in there
well it is Louisiana law that you leave a gun with a corpse
just how that way you start making your way down to hell
you can open fire on the devil not trying to get arrested
that's what this kind of lost me is she's in the in the tomb
and then the ghost of Louis Armstrong saves her
You know, it's a little too much New Orleans.
You're totally right, though.
Dude, they should have really just brought out, like, all the New Orleans greats.
You know, whoever was quarterbacking for the saints at the time should have come in.
Brad Pitt's abandoned housing project, that should have, that ghost should have come and got her.
So, Tommy Lee Jones, this is the crazy thing.
So Tommy Lee Jones is desperately trying to get a picture of Bruce Greenwood.
Or a picture of whatever his name is.
No, no, no.
Nick Parsons.
Nick Parsons, yes.
He's trying to get a picture of Nick Parsons from like his parole board boss,
that guy that we were cracking on before.
And he's like, the guy's like, no, dude, you are going to be under investigation.
You need to get back here for this hearing because you're probably going to get fired.
And it's one of these things where he's in the police station.
He's trying to play cool on the phone.
And he's like, all right now, you send me that goddamn picture.
Yes.
It's Carl. Carl, God damn it, you give me that bitch of Carl.
I will say Tommy Lee Jones functions quite well in an R-rated screenplay.
Tommy Lee Jones using profanit, like when he calls her a fucking idiot, like, and this,
used the goddamn, send me the goddamn picture.
I don't know, him cursing. I loved it.
I love it too. I think he should curse more.
He should curse more. Those fucking men in black movies should have been filthy.
Get Tommy Lee Jones in a quitting Tarantino movie, everybody.
Yes.
Oh, I guarantee you.
Hey, nice feet.
I guarantee you he could not work with Quentin Theron.
He would not sanction that buffoonery, dude.
What do you mean you want to see my feet?
I mean, I haven't, you know, I don't look at them.
I watch them.
Tell me, Tommy, Tommy, it's not for the movie, man.
I just need collateral.
Hey, Quentin, so I'm at a movie theater here, right?
Now, I take my shoes off and I'll put them on my feet, huh?
Oh, fuck.
And then he's just watching, like,
Pick some super early Tommy Lee Jones role.
He's watching Under Siege.
Oh, yes.
That would be awesome.
So, yeah, she's stuck in the coffin with this corpse.
She gets the gun.
She shoots the hinges off of this coffin.
And again, I have to say, like,
she is really resourceful of this movie.
This is a really resourceful character.
So, again, I don't understand how you couldn't think to get a fucking haircut.
It makes no sense.
I just don't look good as a blonde, okay?
she looked great in heat come on yeah she is blonde in that movie she's she's very blonde and that was
just four years prior you're looking awesome in that movie they're both uh in the same in valcouver
her and tom leo jones were in valcouver movie the same year batman forever and heat oh somebody
read the tribune trivia i did wow what a connection but you know actually steve the funny
thing is yeah that's kind of a piece of trivia yes exactly um i forget what we just did
something recently
forget what episode it was. We recorded something
and I remember looking at the trivia and it was really just like people giving their
opinions about the movie. Oh sure, you'll get that. I wish I wrote
it down because it was it was way more egregious than anything we had discussed
before. Was it Star Trek 2009?
Oh, yeah, it might have been knowing those people.
By the way, so we're up to the photo of Nick Parsons
from the driver's license. Oh, right. And it turns out to be some old
fat guy that's unrelated
and then best line
exchange I think of the movie is
this the Nolan's
cop is like well 99.9% of the time
life just flat out don't work
out
and Tommy Lee Jones is like I haven't thought of it that way
thanks I feel much better
and that dude starts
patting a handkerchief against his forehead
and goes laud I wish I won't so fat
by the way like the guy that they had the picture
they have of Nick Parsons. It's, you know,
Nick Parsons is a killer of women
as is. This guy looks like he's
waiting to be found out for killing women
for several decades.
Dude, this, this, whatever, this poor bastard from, like,
the stock photo that they licensed or whatever,
he looks like the BTK.
Yeah, absolutely.
Like, oh my God, I'm hot on the trail
of Dennis Raiders.
Well, there were six Dennis Raiders,
it turned out.
This is a bit of a misnomer.
the whole, the red herrings twists and turns in this movie.
It's exciting because towards the end,
we do find out that, oh, no, the facts kept coming.
And turns out Nick Parsons is a popular name and there's tons of these photos.
That's fun.
It turns out that as Carl predicted,
Tommy Lee Jones is garbage at his job.
But Tommy Lee Jones can only work with the fucking information he's given, man.
And the whole thing is he's like, because when he has the not,
when he's got the driver's license of the,
BTK killer. He's in Bruce
Greenwood's office right here. And he's
like, turns out there's a lot of Nick
Parsons. And luckily
you were the third
try. And I'm like, just
lead with that, dude. I don't know. It's not
that suave what you're doing. It is
it is important to note before he goes
to Nick to Nick Parsons' office,
he catches Ashley Judd. He grabs her.
Oh, right, right, right. Because she's about to go into his office,
like fresh out of, uh, she's like, wow,
I was just kind of in the game for a minute. That was
kind of fun. You know,
I was about to go jump off of a roof
when I thought to myself,
you know, I should go kill my ex-husband.
I went to this
lunchroom and the
egg lawyer was there.
Cutter, the cop.
The red-headed
school administrator, all those women
I made friends with in prison. They were
all eating lunch in a weird corporate-looking
cafeteria. Now,
Egg lawyer, you did
indeed change my photo out
from my ID, didn't you,
egg lawyer?
Yes, yes, I did.
Oh, no, I forgot.
You're going to beat me over this.
Oh, yes.
It is so stupid.
Oh, I'm going to beat you,
but it ain't going to be over easy.
I'll make it whisk.
Are you telling me you sold me out,
Egg lawyer?
Well, you are a deviled egg, sir.
A deviled egg.
Yes.
Yes. It keeps coming.
We get a dozen of these bad boys.
You know, look out now.
Eggloor, I'm starting to get a bit hard-boiled.
So Tommy Lee Jones is like, all right, I demand a million dollars from you, Bruce Greenwood.
And it's a steep price but fair.
He's like, I got a hundred grand on me now.
And I'll give you the rest later.
He's like, oh, what about the problem of Ashley Judd?
And this is, again, you shouldn't be a Batman villain.
And he's just like, oh, don't worry.
Consider that problem buried.
And it's like, dude, don't do that.
And he's like, oh, what was that?
And he's like, she's gone.
I promise you.
Let's just say, for John Devereaux, things are looking sunny side up.
And so, yeah, he says she's gone, I promise you.
Ashley Judd walks into the office.
And then we just watched the last 25 seconds.
of the trailer for a little bit.
It's crazy. This was who
Paramount put this out, I think I saw.
Yes, it's Paramount.
Like, Jesus Christ, Paramount
Pictures. Like, you've been around for
100 fucking years. You think you know how to make a trailer.
And she's like, I could shoot
you in the middle of Mardi Gras. They can't
touch me. Like, yes, they can.
100%. When you murder someone, it's like,
you are convicted of murdering this person
in such a way on such a day.
Then you do it again the next day.
It's a different fucking murder.
Also, the legal system in this movie is so fucking stupid.
They would believe you actually killed somebody else.
You killed John Devereaux.
You didn't kill Nick Barson's again.
It's true.
You killed John Devereaux.
It's just so stupid.
It's just so dumb.
Tom Lee Jones is like, that's right.
You know, he says as a former law professor, which I...
Yeah, as an ex-law professor, I can assure you she's right.
Let me call my egg lawyer.
am I cooked as one of the top drunk drivers in this state I will have you know oh dude what
what an honor what a huge honor he has a great line here Tommy Lee Jones does uh because like
Bruce Greenwood says something to him and she he goes uh what are you talking to me for
she's the one with the gun kind of great and then Ashley John also has because she's like oh I
could shoot you in the middle of
Mardi Gras, whatever. And she has the
fucking, again, the titular, she's like,
it's called double jeopardy.
Oh, man.
Heard of the movie we're in? I heard
about it from a prison lawyer.
By that, I mean a lawyer
who was in prison, not one who actually
tries to help people who are in prison. I want to
make that clear. You don't want a criminal
attorney. You want a criminal
attorney. No, money down.
Oh, egg lawyer, you got, you fuck me over.
You never told about double jeopardy, you son of a bitch.
You money, son of a bitch.
Oh, egg lawyer, you fuck me now, boy, I am creamed.
They're going to give you the frittata.
Well, don't.
All right, you could fry an egg.
Let's say fry an egg.
I think I did that once on vacation.
See, it's a thing.
Yes, Eric, it's a thing.
So, you know, she's like demanding the kid back or whatever.
He goes, you know, oh, you have your son back.
You got what you want.
She fucking shoots the Kandinsky painting.
Kind of awesome.
But one, one last thing.
Egg lawyer's real name is Huevos Satsuka.
Too delicious.
I was going to say, now, egg lawyer, I need your help on this one.
I need you to use your egg noggin.
you know i'm confident we've hit 12 by now we're working on it
i think it's tapped maybe somebody you know what egg lawyer it's been a really hard
trying time for me right now in the big easy i got to go on vacation i'm going to go on
one of those dude huevos rancheros okay egg lawyer canceled going back to calling you your actual
name jeff egg lawyer how could i get in trouble when i'm just egg white
There it is. Egg whites. We didn't mention egg whites.
No. We didn't mention egg whites.
Stop yoking me off here, egg law.
You know, we should have done...
Are you going, sorry?
No, I'm done.
I was going to say we should have done all our promotion stuff like 10 minutes ago because everybody stopped listening.
Yeah, that's true.
Should have announced what the next episode was.
The movie is over.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, really quickly, we're about to make another nine egg puns.
But before that, next week's episode...
Well, it's the last thing is, you know, they shoot Bruce Greenwood gets shot.
After Tommy Lee Jones gets shot in a fucking shoulder.
But to be fair, we should say that she's not going to kill him here.
She chooses, because she's the hero of the movie.
She chooses not to kill him.
They're just going to, whatever.
They're to set him up for murder or whatever.
Like, they have it on tape that she was killed and they're going to fake her death now.
Tommy Lee Jones trying to get in on this fake death.
Is that out of here?
Wait a second.
is that what is that what is being set up here yes oh totally because she's like well yeah we we have my blood
that we're going to put it all over your car and blah blah blah and we've got the you saying you buried me
alive so that's it and he's like i believe the i think this is when um timble lee jones says the
prosecution rests oh which sucks i'm john devaron it seems that my eggs have been poached
I'm setting up the river
Yeah, I just took that as like a
We're going to go to the cops
And the cops are going to hear you bragging about killing me
And I'm right there
They want to kill her
They want to pretend that she's dead
That way she'll get her kid back or something or other
It's crazy
Like Bruce Greenwood
A.k.a. The fucking Black Widow killer
Had years to fit
Or months to figure out how he was going to do this.
You've had three days
in a panic sweat.
Again, she's super
creative, except
when it comes to realizing she should get a hair.
There might be an angle here where
Tommy Lee Jones and her are trying
to push his buttons to
instigate this type of outcome.
Right. Sure.
It's either that, or
they've prepared to sacrifice years
of their lives into this.
It's true. I mean, like, what is Tom
I know, like, oh man, I lost my kid
once. That's my motivation for this movie.
I guess.
Yeah, it's a big baby.
So yeah, it's a big dumb
scuffle thing. She shoots
him. It's kind of fun.
Dougley Jones, of course, gets shot in the shoulder
because it's a movie and that's what has to happen at the end of a movie.
That poor shot in the shoulder thing, you feel bad.
He falls against a bookshelf and then like hits the floor
pretty hard. Because you have to see him about to be put into
an ambulance. You have to have that moment
with him. Well, also, though, Bruce Greenwood is about to lay the
death blow on him. And that's when Ashley
judge shoots him to death.
Right.
Yeah.
And it's pretty good rules.
It's pretty great.
And then like outside there's a line like, like Tommy Lee Jones is like, no, you're
still coming back with me to Washington and I'm going to recommend a full pardon and
a parade.
Right, right.
A parade.
Yeah, you're right.
A job.
A job in a new house and everything.
Dude, they don't even arrest her.
She's not even in handcuffs.
She's walking away from this dude she killed.
Did she just yell?
Nope.
Nope.
Double jeopardy guys.
I'm good.
Oh, you know what? Call them off, Cleetus. She's calling double jeopardy.
Listen, I used to teach law and, you know, I no longer do. I don't know why. But listen, she's right. I don't know why. Get her out of the heck. No, we're not even, we're, don't even interview. Do not take a fucking statement. Let her go home.
And trust me, I am a disgraced ex-law professor. Just explaining to the police. No, no, no. She already went to jail for killing this guy and she did her time. So she's fine.
yelling at cops. I'm a parole officer.
I outrank you like
to their face. Do you
know what double jeopardy is? Idiot.
Let her go.
You moron. And yes, I am wildly out of my
jurisdiction. Washington
State might be the furthest place
away in America, right?
Yeah, I may as well have my jurisdiction
on Mars at this point.
But so, yeah,
they, by the way, Bruce Greenwood
states at some point, like, oh,
the kid is totally fine. He's at a
boarding school up in Georgia
somewhere. This is incredible.
So you've been,
you're Maddie, you're the son here.
You believe that
your mother killed your father
and that somehow
he came back and moved to San Francisco
with you. Who knows how that
was explained.
Great question.
Then, like, you believe that, like,
you hear all this shit about your mother
being in prison for six years
while, like, your father is
killing his other wives, all of this.
And then you're on the soccer field
one day, not in like
a room being prepared for something like
this. In the middle of a fucking sporting event,
you're told, oh, your mom is innocent.
She's here. She's taking you back.
You're not even told that, dude. She just
fucking rolls up. Yeah, it just, well,
that's the thing. It's like, they don't have, like, you would
imagine they would like, we're going to have, like,
we're going to sit you down in a room. We're going to have
time together. You know, there's going to be coffee and snacks
there for you. Yeah, definitely
snacks, first of all. Well, Maddie even thinks that she
is dead. Yes. That's the
fucking dead. That's the devastating
thing, though, is because she's like, do you
know who I am? And he like kind of nods.
And then he's like, they told
me you died. And he's like, Jesus
Christ. Dude, this is what you do
at the end of ransom where this kid
pisses himself. Like, dude, the ghost
of my mother is on the soccer field
right now. Can everyone see her?
This kid also thinks cats are fucking
monsters or something.
Coach Denton, is that real?
It's Denton for it to be real. Coach
Don't help me.
Also, the other thing is, like, she's like, he says they told me you were dead.
And it's basically like, no, sweetheart, I'm not dead.
But I did just come from murdering your father.
Well, okay.
Cool, man.
I love you.
Kissy-kissie.
No, mommy's alive.
Daddy's dead.
You know, the funny thing is, so, like, if you trace this back, like, let's say,
because the movie doesn't give us any kind of specific timeline,
so you have to assume it takes place in the present day,
which in this case,
is like 1999.
So, like, six years in jail,
so this shit happened in 93.
This movie really only works
as far as the kid is concerned
because the internet isn't as
as it is now.
That's a good point.
You know what I mean?
Because, like, they just,
I bet it's like,
like, he's supposed to be not even aware
of the dad's, like, supposed
killing or whatever.
Probably.
Yes, exactly.
We just, like, moved away,
and it's like, he's got no memory of that
because he was, like, four years old or whatever.
And they just, like,
never speak of it.
but like if this was in 2020 and that happened
and then like that kid just happens to like
Google one day. It's like wait
what the fuck? Dad
dad wait what is it? You
mom murdered you?
Like this plan would just not work.
What did you? What did you just say boy?
Use your Cajun exit when you're
talking to your father.
Oh shit. Definitely.
That's oh man that's right. The kids
should be like like
they told me you were dead.
And she's like, honey it's over.
You don't have to do.
that anymore. You know, like, kudos to this movie, though, for just fucking ending, you know?
Yes. Yep, because I do not need, like, you know what, this movie is missing, and I feel like
a, this movie isn't great, but, like, a even lesser film would have a seat, like, the final
thing of, like, Tommy Lee Jones, like, rolling up to a house and, like, knocking on a door
to, like, see the daughter or some shit. The movie is totally not interested in any of that.
But the weird thing is the movie, there's this, like, stupid line where she's like, wow. And she's
He's with her for some reason.
He's like, go see your son, your cow.
And she's like, afraid.
He's like, don't be a cowed on me now.
Don't be a quitter.
And then she's like, wow, you really save me.
He's like, no, you saved me.
And I'm like, when did that happen?
And, dude, very important, Steve, to highlight the fact that when he says, no, you saved me,
it is long after she's out of earshot.
It's one of those, like, she's like, oh, thanks for saving me, closes the door, walks away.
And he's like, no, you save me.
And I'm like, from fucking what?
I guess because somewhere towards the end of the movie,
Bruce Greenwood offers him a drink and he says no.
And I guess we're supposed to understand he's in the wagon now.
Right.
Well, yeah, it's a big product placement for Diet Coke.
Yes.
But was there, there wasn't a scene where like she's like,
you should stop drinking, you know?
No, not at all.
No.
So what the fuck?
Yeah, I don't know.
It doesn't make any sense.
No, it doesn't at all.
Freeze frame ending, by the way, her cugging her kid.
Ouch, that sucks.
Yeah.
dude come on you can't freeze frame end a movie you cannot like this movie you can do a crane shot
you know camera going higher and higher they're walking across the soccer pitch like to the school
or something like that you know but a fucking freeze frame like when will we learn freeze frames never
a good idea and if you're going to do that at least to be kind enough to put like cue tainted love
as this episode.
Yeah, exactly.
Or something,
yeah,
you're making a fucking
breakfast club
joke to end your movie.
That's the freeze frame.
Otherwise,
just use a classy
fucking fade to black,
please.
Stupid freeze frame.
I do love in the credits,
by the way,
this is the one thing I noted,
that creep that's smelling her hair
credited as handsome internet expert.
Oh, nice, dude.
That was my title in high school, dude.
Uh-huh.
Would anybody recommend this movie?
We'll start with you, Steve.
I would.
It is a buck 45, which is kind of where you want.
Could be shorter.
But it's, I mean, it's just a totally serviceable mid-90s, late-90s, mid-tier thriller.
I love these kinds of movies.
I want more of them.
Yes, it's a recommend for me.
Not a huge recommend, but a soft recommend.
Chris Cabin?
It's a no for me.
I like movies like this, but I don't like this.
this movie, I think it's because
there is no sense of, like, Chase.
Like, the movie I thought about a lot during this movie
is The Fugitive. Right. And, like,
there is, like, a sense of danger and urgency
to everything that Richard Kimball has to go
through. There's, like, really none
when it's
Ashley Judd, because she's just a parolee.
So, like, I didn't
feel any of that, like, thunder.
I didn't feel that any of that thrill.
I love Tommy Lee Johnson. I love
Ashley Judd, but just
just doesn't do it for me. And also, Bruce
Bearsford,
has made a lot of good movies
a lot of in Australia
Breaker Morant, Mr. Johnson.
Oh, great movie. Money movers.
A lot of them, I think a lot of them are on
Cartierian Channel now, if you want to check them out.
But this is a note for me.
Cabin, I should also
point out that he's the
man behind one of your most
hated films driving Miss Daisy.
Don't fucking
forget that Bruce Beresford directed that
shot. God damn it. Eric,
how are you feeling about this one?
It's a super soft recommend.
I do agree with Steve that we are missing these types of movies.
And I mean, and Chris is right that it's not, there's not that,
it doesn't have the engine to drive it.
It's not that exciting despite the plot being crazy.
So I would say it's like a hangover type of situation for me.
Yes, for sure.
Yeah, I agree with you, Eric.
It's a 100% of hangover movie slash Dad for No, Motion Picture.
No doubt about it.
yeah it's just and again chris i agree with you not to like just keep repeating you guys but like
there are better versions of what this is mainly like the fugitive like if you have not seen the
fugitive man i got to tell you we just rewatched it maybe like a month or so ago in quarantine
and it fucking rules and it's like a better version of what this is um and i the funny thing is
like with all the complaining we do about longer movies i feel like this movie would feel a little
if it was just maybe that 15 minutes longer.
Like if we hit that 20 minute mark,
you get a couple more scenes here and there
about like the investigation
or maybe some more cat and mouse or something.
Yeah.
Because it just feels it's like, you know,
I went to this and then I'm going to this
and now I'm doing that.
And now the credits are ruled.
You hear a little bit about Lincoln Bonaparte,
Bruce Greenwood's character before this.
The husband before this one.
Yeah, that's what I was.
15 minutes of that and maybe we're in a good spot here.
And that is Double Jeopardy from 1999, directed by Bruce Barrisford.
If you would like more We Hate Movies, of course, check out WHMpodcast.com,
or head over to our Patreon.
Patreon.com slash We hate movies.
We got a lot of cool bonus stuff up there, exclusive to our subscribers only,
including a We Love Movies episode coming out.
It might be out now, but it might be coming out next week.
Great time talking about Spike Lee's Inside Man.
Oh, yeah.
Eric, who we got in the Gleap Glossary this month?
Yes, the Gleap Gloucery were talking about something I never thought we would.
It's Chubacca's nephew, Lobaka.
Oh, sure, dude.
Of course, famed character, Lobaka.
I was saying Lobaka.
I think we're pretty drunk on that episode, so tune in.
It's a lot of fun.
Totally.
And then, Steve, what are we talking about in the old AD in September?
Garfield and friends.
Speaking of Sheldon, yeah, we're talking.
talking about an episode of Garfield where Binky gets canceled.
It's a super fun episode. You'll really enjoy it.
With a piece of shit, crappy theme song that's not the right song.
We'll get into it, Chris.
We get into it.
And of course, just as a reminder for our Patreon subscribers, the subscribers, the end of this month,
we'll be dropping the last of the old WHM commentary.
So the Chudmuntary will be out towards the end of the month.
If you have not experienced the Chudmuntary yet, it's a good ass time.
in. I was thinking about Chud actually
a couple days ago. I watched
Scorsese's
Oh, what is it?
After Hours.
Which was made the year after
Chud, and also has John Hurd in it.
And it also takes place in Chelsea,
Soho, Lorry's side area.
So I was feeling
Chudd really hard watching that movie. Great movie, by the way.
I'd never seen it before. Fantastic movie.
So the Chudman Terry comment out. And as
always, here on We Hate Movies,
There was another brand new episode of We Hate Movies Prime, as we call this show, on the main feed.
Next Tuesday, Steve Sadek, what movie will we be having a fun, rambunctious discussion about then?
We'll be talking about ricochet, Denzel Washington's ricochet.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, rules. Check it out before the episode. Watch it. It's a recommend.
I'll have to do that because I've never seen it. I'm excited.
Oh, man. Yeah, dude, it's a 50-50. I haven't seen it either.
I think it's an HBO Max. I think HBO Max has it.
currently if you're looking for it.
Oh, well, that must be nice.
You haven't too, don't you?
No, I don't.
No, because he refuses to buy an Apple TV
stuck on this Roku business.
Oh, I see. Okay, I'm sorry.
They're never going to do the deal, dude.
They're never going to do the deal, Steve.
That's what we got to pressure him.
It's a big commitment.
Buy a whole new box to stream a fucking app.
Well, Steve, I weep,
I weep for you from my high tower.
Thank you.
I appreciate it, Chris.
A little rich boy there, Chris.
and your fucking Hightower.
Oh shit.
Oh, Hightower himself is now on the show.
We should just start calling Chris Hightower.
Oh, man.
So until next week where we are talking about Denzel Washington in Rikishay.
I'm Andrew Jupin.
Stephen Sadek.
Double Cisco.
Chris Cappin.
Take it easy.
That's a good.
That was a hit gum.
That was a hate gum podcast.
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