We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 513 - My Fellow Americans

Episode Date: November 3, 2020

IT'S NOVEMBER 3RD, 2020: GO VOTE TODAY, AMERICA! On the WHM 2020 Election Special, the gang kicks off the Brimsgiving celebrations with an episode on the ridiculous 1996 old man comedy, My Fellow Americans! Would Walter Matthau really have been able to play Garner's lothario ex-president? Who needed to hear Jack Lemmon wax poetic about wet dreams? And wow, Brimley playing the head of the DNC, huh? PLUS: A public restroom rant to beat the band! My Fellow Americans stars Wilford Brimley, Jack Lemmon, James Garner, Dan Aykroyd, John Heard, Lauren Bacall, Sela Ward, Everett McGill, Bradley Whitford, James Rebhorn, Esther Rolle, Michael Peña, Ann Cusack, Marg Helgenberger, and Conchata Ferrell; directed by Peter Segal. WHM is donating 100% of our 2020 merch income to causes fighting for racial justice. For more information on how you can pitch in, head over to our website. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, is this the last episode before the end of the American democracy? I guess we'll find out. It's my fellow Americans. I'm Andrew Jupin. Ba-Bap-da-da-Steedek. My fellow Cisca. Grace Carter. And we hate movies. Thank you. So,

Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning into the show, this fine day here. We are, of course, chatting about the comic masterpiece. No, we're talking about my fellow Americans from fucking, what was it, 1996. That's it. Directed, of course, by Peter Siegel. Who's apparently trash, according to James Garland. You asked James Garner from Beyond the Grave or Jack Lemon beyond the grave. They'll tell you.

Yeah, there was a weird quote on, I think it was on, I saw it on Wikipedia and he said that in his memoirs, Gardner wrote that he enjoyed working with Lemon, but felt like the director was a self-appointed genius who didn't know his ass from second base. And Jack and I both knew it. And I just like, I like not using hole in the ground. I like using throwing in a baseball term right there real quick. Absolutely. That's 60 and up language right there, home base, all that stuff. Well, so much of this movie, and I mean, I guess on set they also unofficially referred to this movie as grumpy old presidents because you don't say. Yeah, I mean, but that's, you know, it was, it's in that the fucking mania behind crass old men yucking it up on screen, you know, because on top of, you know, the grumpy old meniverse, you have this movie, you have them doing fucking out.

to see. You have the two of them doing two, count them, two odd couple movies. Like, we love these old bastards swearing. Well, the first odd couple movie, they were middle-aged man. And the second one is that that's what, that was part of this craze. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I get, you're totally right. I was like, was there was an odd couple three that I was not aware of? No, I was just, I was, I think just kind of conflating some of these movies because they do sort of run together. I forget the fact that that first odd couple movies are what the 70s. Yes. So what, you don't think they elect me president?

You got to get that fuck Garner? What the fuck? Where is he? It's my question. He was sick. Apparently he was sick. That's on the Tribune trivia. He was supposed to do it once they cast Jack Lemon.

It was supposed to be another one of these grumpy, literally grumpy old presidents. And Math out was ill. Grumpy old man is a movie that I loved so fucking dearly as a child that I haven't seen in 20 years. I've seen it a hundred times. It gives you those, like, expectations in life, though, like, oh, Kevin Pollock can get Daryl Hannah. I'm doing all right. I could have a house. I could live in a house.

Well, that, that touches on why I actually think it's better that Garner's here. Because, like, let's be honest here. Garner, I believe, as a fuck machine. Sure. As a fuck machine, I'd have some trouble. Hey, hey, honey, I'm about to go on my book tour, but I figured I'd fucking slither on up to you and get it wet for. Let me lie about my vasectomy again. Oh, what, you're 26 years old.

You definitely want to fuck me, right? Yeah, it's all gummy down there, but I'll just tie a twig to it to make it hard for you. Oh, my God. Before anyone hits pause, I'm going to hit play real quick. Coming soon to theaters. It's the VHS trailer game. Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. America's favorite game show. show around obsolete materials it is back and better than ever guys we've got four trailers tonight you know Steve this has gotten so popular you could call it the Jame of Thrones

Yes I am your game master movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie movie yeah dude Jame of Thrones now with 60% fatter tits instead of castles pop it up it's all those rotten old boxes you find deteriorating yes

I am your game master and your game master Stephen Sadek I do want to say just because Andrew mentioned the decline the possible decline of American democracy at the top of this these episodes run about 90 minutes to two hours if you haven't voted yet and it's the election day

let's just all go together let's all just take the whole gang with you to the voting place take us with you know if you got kids with you and whatnot. Well, you know, attempt to keep it clean here and there. But, you know, tell them it's for the good of democracy. So this is the VHS trailer game. It is a, it is a game wherein I give the guys five clues to get one of the trailer, to guess a trailer that I'm trying to describe that was on my VHS that I watched of my fellow Americans. It came out in 1996 on last night. So just, and the winner of

the, of the whole season, will get. a cameo of their choice will be able to use the we hate movies slush fund to pay a celebrity to debase themselves for our benefit now i'm really bummed that james garner's dead dude because i tell you what he'd be saying some filthy shit on cameo yeah former president james garner here for we hate movies or something uh your cousin paid me to read the entire transcript of the tommy lee jones and pamela anderson sex tape so let's start here. Oh, it looks really nice and big. Yes, it does, doesn't

him? Tommy Lee Jones says this. Tommy Lee. Oh, okay, let me read the transcript of the Tommy Lee Jones sex tape. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. It just goes on like this for like 17 pages. Let's get to the fucking game. Here we go.

Just an FYI. Right, I got to get into the zone real quick. We got to do the hand raise, right? Yes, that's right. And I have to look at that too. Yeah, look at that screen, dude. otherwise this shit is rigged the score as it is right now Andrew and Eric are tied at 10 points

apiece Chris is in the lead with 13 points and the guests who are on the board have five points if there's as as these goes go on we'll have guests on more the guests aren't guys the guests aren't gonna win but we're just gonna have fun with it the guests are like voting third party exactly they're the Gary Johnson's or I don't even know

who the fuck's running third party these days. Oh, you know what? Let's not look it up because who could care. On this exact day, Steve, I could not care less. Future President Kanye West. Oh, that's right. It hasn't been much news made of it because, I mean, look at the state of the country, but Willem Defoe is actually running for third party candidate. You know, you know what? That would become a tricky situation than the voting booth for me. Oh, DeFoe. Say, look at me, President Defoe. We got to watch the state of the union in 10-90. He's going to just going to, he's going to do the whole monologue from the White House.

Medicare for all. How about Defoe for all? I would vote for a Defoe for all platform. My goodness. Welcome back, Dr. Defoe. You know, I, uh, we're sorry about all these, uh, about the, uh, the recent attack on the base.

What I say to my constituents. Avenge me! All right. So, round one. Everybody ready? Any, any, any questions? from the audience. Talk out loud in your voting place if you want to. Sure. Okay. Get on with your jame. Okay.

Round one. The Game Masters Clue. This film arguably destroyed the career of a celebrated director that we lost this year. That is Andrew. Oh, fuck my face. Oh, I don't know that movie.

No, that counts. No, it doesn't. That's behind the saloon doors. Are we, all right, let me, let me do this uh batman and robin he's correct five points nice yeah all right pd jol schumacher by the way one of the greats so that's andrew gets five points there um my set the red the tribune

which i think would have thrown everybody off is wrestler jeep swenson died two months after the film's release oh he plays bane right he does indeed you know it's weird he died like no one treats jeep swenson like fucking uh heath ledger man you know what i mean he played a batman villain he got so into the role he died. You're absolutely right, dude. He fucking died for his art just like

anybody else, but because that movie had fucking tits on Batman's suit. Nobody remembers that Jeep Swenson lost his life to this art. It's also the name. Yeah. Yeah. He also died on the Olsen Twins couch, which was weird because they're like nine years old. Yeah. A little strange.

Everywhere you look, there's Bain of my couch. He died of a heart attack, baby. round two the game master's clue a road trip movie featuring a tabloid

reporter and the fantastical star of the story he's reparting on Chris Cabin is that Michael that is Michael for five points look at this is this an angel movie that's that angel movie yes it's William Hurt is also very true

William Hurt is a what do you call it there is a a is a tablet reporter and he's riding around with the Archangel Michael. Yeah, which is John Travolta. Now, I totally forgot the fucking reporting angle of that. He's the Archangel

Michael? Yes, he is. Yeah. He beat the devil in like arm wrestling or some shit. Round three. A star-studded black comedy that's based on a cult trading guard series and killed most of his main cast. Ooh, that is

Eric Siska. now I think maybe I got this wrong clue that is incorrect yes that's too early it's too early yeah okay anyone else is like 85 or something could you repeat that question I can by the way just because it never happens there's four more clues I could give as well oh damn it but Eric is now out for this round

but you can come back in the next one the game master's clue a star studded black comedy that is based on a cult trading card series and killed off most of its main cast. 1996. 1996 killed off its main cast card game. Magic the Gathering. This one is deliciously worded

to trick you a little bit just because you probably wouldn't know it was a card game. I see. I got nothing here. All right, we're going to go on to the Tribune trivia. Only Chris and Andrew can answer.

Eric can go fuck himself. for three minutes. This is nice. But just mute yourself before you start to go? Please, God. Okay, yeah. I definitely have muted my video now. Oh, yeah. No, no, the audio.

The whole thing, dude, we need the whole thing to go on lockdown. All right. During the normal, this is the Tribune Trivia, and this is now for four points, during the normal Warner Brothers logo screen, a spaceship is shown in the crosses the sky I've got Andrew Jupin

are we talking Mars attacks it's Mars attacks for four points wait wait that was a card looking me doing good at something that was a card game that was a card game I guess wow I had no idea the tagline would have gotten you closer

which is yikes they've landed I think the whole card game element the whole game element I think that was another one of your Jem masters fucking tricks it is look Definitely is. Some of these need to be a little trickier else where I'll never read tribute trivia.

That's true. Okay. So now, all right. So now Eric is back. You can stop playing with himself. Yeah, put it back, dude. All right. All right, there it is.

The shoes should be on the floor again, not up over your ankle or your shoulders. Yeah. Okay. The final, let me un... Okay, so this is the final trailer. This is, I need to get this one. You do need to get... You want to stay relevant here, Eric.

the game master's clue on the trailer one critic misleadingly called this movie Twister at 36,000 feet anyone want to guess at Twister at 36,000 feet I've got Chris Gavin first That turbulence?

Wow, look at that Oh, I was going to say it, I couldn't think of the word though I was going to say I was going to say Air Force One By the way, MGM pulled trailers from theaters and temporarily suspended the marketing campaign after the crash of TWA Flight 800 Good Idea. Yeah, not a bad idea at all. By the way, stay tuned. That movie is wild. There's like multiple turbulence movies, though.

Is there? I only know the one. Because I believe, I think out there in the universe somewhere, and I'm doing this without the use of the internet right now, there's a movie called Turbulance 3 heavy metal. wow so there's a whole like turby franchise yes that's right they made two uh sequels to it even though it didn't do very well yeah what the hell i did it do well on home video i did that makes no sense it might have done well on home but yeah turbulence three heavy metal here it is i can't believe i know that because i've never seen that movie that third movie came out in 2003 and you are you are looking at build on this DVD cover joe mantania Craig sheffer

Gabriel Anwar and Rutger Hower. Nice. Oh, wow. Hauer power. I like that. Yeah, it's like a serial killer, blah, blah, blah, and a plane. So, just a little recap here. Andrew has moved up into a firm second place with 19 points.

Sick. Eric has stayed at third place with 10 points. You know what? I'm going to bottom out. I know. The fucking guests are going to do better than me. Chris Cabin is in the lead with 23. points. Unbelievable.

That's right. All right. That's insurmountable. Just give it to them. No, no. There's a whole, we're ending this in August, Eric. There's plenty of time for you to come back. I mean, I didn't even have a chance to like, you know, research and cheat this time. I do it. I do it. I fucking totally

had a sneaking suspicion. You were rotten. Now, wait a second, though. I'm looking up, now I'm just looking up the turbulence movies. And really quickly, this will help me out. You guys. What year did Double Jeopardy come out? 99, I believe.

99. Okay, give me two seconds because I got something here that may force us to start watching these movies. You know what, dude? You will have to force me. Is it the Tommy Lee Jones sex tape? Do you think it's a connected universe? No, I don't think it's a connected universe other than I believe. Yeah, now we're talking. How about this? You guys in Turbulance 2, Cullen, Fear of Flying,

one of the top build actors in the film, the guy who played egg lawyer oh wow the egg lawyer shows up j brazo in this movie yeah j brazo merch on the we hate movies uh t public page by the way well yeah for legal

reasons it's actually a fictional character we created called the egg lawyer that has no way his likeness yeah that's absolutely true also that dude craig shephyr is in the second movie oh wow and you can tell the fucking deterioration from the first movie into these sequels because this

first movie you're looking at Ray Leota, Lauren Holly, Brendan Gleason, Hector Alizondo, Jeffrey Dumont is in this movie? It's quite something. Wow, it's fucking stacked as hell. Now I want to watch turbulence. You really should. Let's just do that instead. Why don't we do like a live commentary now? People need to be in line for a while. That's right. You can listen to us, watch a movie while you wait to exercise your fucking civic duty. The back end of this episode will be my fellow America. Now, ask your posts just to turn off CNN and put on turbulence.

They'll probably be able to find it on their, they probably have an Apple TV. They're right? Come on. Oh, man, I got to tell you. It's always a sad time in the episode and we've got to wrap up the VHS trailer game, but there you go. That is it. Wush us out of here. I don't know if we wish out. I don't think we wish out.

But we obviously were a little strategic, of course, placing this episode where it has landed, especially because, and I didn't remember this, the movie starts with, like, news report people, audio, and we're told that James Garner

has participated in the most vicious presidential race in American politics. At that time, FYI. At that time, indeed. Well, actually, we should we would be remiss if we didn't say what theme month we were doing, my God. Oh, my God, I can't even fucking believe it. Steve Sadek,

take it away. It is Brim's giving. for November. It is a whole month dedicated to our, our patron saint, our dear good friend that recently deceased Wilford Brimley. We lost him August of this year. And, you know, I have to say when we were in the early goings here, we hate movies, you know, we did some Wilfred Brimley titles. Mainly, though, the big one, I think, was, of course, Ewks the Battle for Endor. Right. We also hard target uh yeah hard target and cocoon cocoon that's right we also did uh which one was the live show was that cocoon too or was that cocoon that was that cocoon colon the return j master is that worth anything i i can't be given points after i hang it up man i just can't

please stop calling me at 11 o'clock i see okay you're citing bush v gore to stop the vote interesting Okay. Oh, my God. You know, if you go back, listen to our episode on Ghosts Can't Do It, which was also released right before the last presidential election. I'm curious how cocky we sound then versus right now, which I think right now we kind of sound realistically and appropriately terrified. Or every asshole is clenched. I couldn't get nothing up there right now, dude. My asshole is nice and breezy.

Really? Is that right? Wind's coming in and out of my asshole, fine. Did it give out? No, I stretched it, Eric. I stretched it for a long time. I mean, because cabin, dude, I couldn't get a fucking toothpick up there right now.

I understand that. I appreciate that, but also, no, there's wind coming up my asshole. It's fine. It's fluttering in the breeze, like the American flag. Yes. There we go. A very patriotic asshole. Okay.

We get, I think I called an uncle of mine that one time, actually. so this movie starts with like you see how both James Garner and Jack Lemon ascend to the presidency well real quick oh sure go right ahead the Warner Brothers logo has like that presidential like marching bandy music we stole this shit from oh what's the Eastwood movie it's clear and present danger I feel like that maybe is where this started like presidential

like marching shit I don't need it. I mean, all of this fucking presidential fanfare in this movie, you can eat my shit. But like, that's like, this is very like joyful like, oh, the president's, eh, don't we like presidents? Everybody, like, in clear present danger of Patriarchs, it's like funeral

marches for Kennedy. It was like, it's like very solemn taps, like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, kind of shit. I want, speaking of, I want the president in the, in what, in this movie to be the dude from I think it's clear in present danger where

he goes, he's like, don't be coming into my office like some junkyard dog? That dude? From the thing? Yeah. Yes,

that is in clear and present danger. Totally. He's not the same president in Patriot Games also. No, I'm not even sure if you see the president

in Patriot Games. Yeah, it's been a long time for me for both of those movies actually. Talking about trailers, man, I remember,

like, don't you talk to me like a yard dog. I'm the president of the United States. Oh, dude. I've never seen that movie and I remember that line. That's what we're talking about.

Great, by way, a plus hangover movie, one of the best. It's a dead for noon for sure. Yes. Thank you, Steve. When we eventually get our deal with TNT or wherever, we're hosting Dad For Noons, where we're fucking grilling burgers, drinking the champagne of beers

and talking about movies that will gently rock you to sleep at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, clear and present danger and Patriot Games have to be fucking up there, season one of the Dad Fornoon hosting. Yes, and no, this is not a joke. All TV network serious inquiries only we all hate movies at gmail.com we have quite a fan base that would increase your subscriptions substantially and and we're rebranding here folks we're going from

hangover movies to dad for noons we're ready to work a little bit we're trying to work with you yes i'm 100% clean comedy now yeah absolutely i'm waiting for about five minutes until you say come come again i mean i'm still profane alcoholic, but you know. So I, the last time was the first time I've ever seen this movie, FY. The movie we're talking about, really? How did you first of all, this is shocking because you

kept going on and on about you were such a fucking grumpy old menhead. No math, no, no money, dude. That's the way I played the game. Is that true though? Did you look at this movie? You were like, well, Walter Mathaus not in it, so I don't care. I think literally I did. I mean, I don't remember specifically spurting this film, but I was like, I don't know, man. It's not Walter Mathis. So, yeah.

Why the fuck is Maverick in my movie? Dude, in my house, I'll tell you, it did not matter. We rented this movie and I think finally bit the bullet and just bought the VHS. I realized last night, or yesterday afternoon, actually, when I was watching this, I haven't seen it in years. And I think I said on Saw 2, I'd seen it like no less than 10 times or something. That number has to be higher because I was in my head just playing the movie as it was playing. Yeah, that was for me too. fucking joke, you know, every plot turn, I was like, yep, there it is. There it's. I remembered, like, them talking to that homeless family in the car. And she's like, because of your policy, President fucking Matt Douglas, we lost our job. I remembered all of this shit. I couldn't even believe it. This was, of course, part of the Will Cab and Columbia House plunder.

Oh, really? Your dad stole this tape, huh? This was part of one of his little deals and scams he had going on. Chris, this may be entered into evidence. Be careful. Okay. Finally, someone's admitting it. That's good, my father, Gil, Cabin. This is a joke, satire, and parody. Yes, of course.

Yeah, so I saw this, like, hundreds of times. This one was on. This was on all the time. We just watched it repeatedly. This is so weird, because, like, I feel like I've got, for once, the normal experience with the movie. I probably saw this, maybe two or three times.

Yeah. Just on TV. I mean, it's fascinating what movies will take hold to a family. And in such weird ways, too. I feel like we watched it as a family a few times and everything, but I have like very vivid memories of myself and my younger sister just

watching this movie repeatedly. I kept wanting to text her during the movie like, you fucking remember when President Jack Lemon, yada, yada, and she'd be like, no, get a fucking life. Well, that's the thing. is like these were fun old men movies and where have they gone

the closest we have is the mule that's not very fun either well no that's the thing is that now they all have to be action stars yeah like you can't they can't just be funny old guys like Liam Neeson should be talking about his fucking limp dick and running around like having a dumb old

caper but do I mean I agree with you but also though let's not forget two previous episodes I think bad grandpa and whatever that Michael Cain fucking bank robbery. I think it's Dirty Grandpa and going in style. Oh, Dirty Grandpa. What the fucks? Oh, bad grandpa is the Johnny Knoxville thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dirty Grandpa and going in style, Steve. Excellent pull. I could not have told you. You got a gun to my head right now. I feel like, I don't know, man. I know it's fucking Alan Arkins in it maybe. Zach Braff directed that movie. Is that right? You're right. Holy horseshit.

So, but those are more in the lines of like the crew. Remember that with Bert Reynolds? Absolutely. Him, Peter Fox, in that movie, I think. So, like, that's always been a bad path, man. But, like, I guess because Walter and Mathau, Walter and Mathau, and Jack and Lemon, were amazing in those movies. And Gardner's fine here. But, like, they have such serious, like,

comedic chemistry as old men. It's just hard to find these days. I agree. I mean, I want to, and plus, specifically, I guess, Dirty Grandpa's a little closer to this movie somewhat. But I want a more family. I don't want him, like, jerking off in the movie. I want, like, family-friendly.

I want somebody to call somebody a piece of crap. You know what I mean? That's as dirty as I want my fucking grandpa movie to get. Like the exchange in this movie that, man, I've remembered to this day. And when I heard her say the line, I almost traveled through time. But Lauren Bacall and Jack Lemmon and Lauren Bacall are married in this movie. And he's like, oh, geez, you know, I can't get the freaking baby. you know and she goes like

she's like oh please you know honey if you're going to say the F word go all the way or go for the gold and I was like that's right like this this was that kind of movie everybody's a son of a bitch you know or it's a friggin' that

or an S-O-B or a god damn you know but it's not like De Niro being like yes I get front of fucking jerking off I think I got it or who could nail this if you just have the humility to play like a dumb old man like Jack Lemon took to it like a duck in water is Schwarzenegger oh sure he's got the comedy chops no he does but but there's a certain frailty to lemon too that sorts yeah would never do

like he can never pull that off he's got to all those heart surgeries and just like yeah i'm an old fuck now do we have an update on arnold by the way well i think he's doing okay what's wrong with him he's fine well he literally had heart surgery like fucking three days ago oh did he really i miss that yeah dude he had some yeah i have do another valve replay some fucking thing he claims to be fine which we're we're pulling for you arnold uh so yeah this movie by the way so it starts off like yeah it's the it's just some random talking head saying you know the most vicious and blah blah blah presidential race of all time so jack lemon and uh vp dan acroid win that one yes four years four years later um uh james garner and nameless v and nothing VP win that one

and then three years and then four years after that right because yes uh here comes dan ackroyd back at the at the top of the ticket with john heard yep so like as a very dan quail vp and now three years after that is where this movie takes place this is a totally new history like i don't know when was any of this supposed to happen i'll tell you exactly because i had a lot of thought about this last night it's a it's a universe in where george hw bush and bill Clinton never became president because the timeline totally works that way and they mention Ronald Reagan in the movie

and Bush. That's the thing is Bacall mentions Bush at some point Oh, don't be like George Bush. Yeah. Well, well, well, well. He was a VP. Yeah, he was VP with Reagan. Okay, all right. Yeah, I guess so like it's 88 through now-ish or I guess now if it's 88 then this is

actually taking place on an altered year 2000 of some kind. But that's the thing is like John Hurd is really clearly Dan Quail. Yeah, absolutely. Dan Amroyd would have to be Bush. Like that's the only thing that makes sense. I think that John Hurd is like a, it's just a gag, like stupid vice president. We had just come off of having a stupid vice president with Quail.

But I think if you look at it though, like if it's, if Herbert Walker never takes office and that's the one-term deal. And then you get to James Garner would have been like the Clinton comparison. And he is the fuck machine. Yeah. And he has a one-term deal. So it's a world where instead of Clinton getting too. terms, he's a one-term deal

and then here comes Dan Aykroy. We can also like put Lemon in Carter's position maybe because I feel like he's played a little older in this and he's got and he seems more lovable but he's a Republican. But they also name check Carter. They do. Carter wasn't president. He talks

about Carter like oh Carter's done so well you know after he left the office doing Habitat for Humanity and yada. I guess it is an alternate 2000. Yes because and also like This movie comes out in 96, so this is, like, right at the gore, I'm sorry, the Clinton, what do you call it there, Dull election? Yep.

Which is just sort of like the most milk toast election in American history. So we're able to have a little bit of fun with it, I guess, is the idea? When the specter of having trouble with erections is a problem with you, if that's your, like, your great political remembrance. Is this an ad read right now? No. Yes, yes. I'm Bob Dole and I'm here for what's a hymns. You know, when he fucking endorsed Trump,

like whenever it was, Chelsea and I were shocked to our bones that Bob Dole is still alive. Same. I couldn't believe it. He looks like a ghost. Like he looks so dead. It's amazing.

You know, I got to wonder then, dude, if we're going to get some fucking phony votes from dead people like Bob Dole. Yeah, my Bob Dole and my forest ghosts definitely endorses President Trump. Oh, my God, I can't get my force ghost fingers through my fucking electronic voting machine. Oh, no.

Did you hear about the, you know, they're always talking about Dodgers. You ever hear about the Biden with the vice and vice. Dude, he's seriously, he's like the fucking grandfather in Texas chainsaw mask. It's insane. My force ghost dick don't work. All right, somebody cut their thumb

and stick it in dull's mouth. We need a fucking soundbite. Oh, my God. Reserick Grandpon-Dole. He was always the best with holding the pen. So, yeah, so that's our backstory. So now, Dan Aykroyd is finally president with John Hurd as VP. We cut to Jack Lemon doing, like, hawking some sort of insurance thing.

It's like a Japanese insurance firm or something. L.O.L. Japanese joke here. But it's not even hawking. like he's there to do a ceremony to give an award an employee yeah but you you wind up realizing he's hawking for it though dude because when they're at that golf tournament he's wearing the fucking windbreaker with the name of the insurance company on it

I mean and that shows you how corrupt America is right and in fact even later on in the in the movie they talk about like oh you profited it off the office as well and it's like man it's so quaint to think giving speeches to fucking insurance groups is profiting off the office compared to today. Profiting off the office when you're not in office anymore. To think

of a time when a controversy was you dancing with a fucking panda. And Jack Lemmon's having a lot of fun in this movie, I think. Oh, absolutely. I think it's Garner's way out of his element, sadly. Like, I just don't think he's very funny. Really? Interesting. That's where I'm at.

Okay. He seems a little stiff. I feel like he's someone like, he's funny in the way that, I mean, I think Burt Reynolds is genuinely funny, but in the way that, like, my shit don't stink. And it kind of rubs me wrong with Gardner more. Yeah, I kind of see what you're saying. Like, definitely not known for comedy, for sure. More of, like, a, you see him at, like, a family barbecue.

And it's like, oh, Grandpa, Gardner over there, he's going to bust your balls. Don't worry about it. He was also never really, like, Lemon and Mathau were, like, real leads. And, like, Garner was to a lesser degree. but like what i remember him most for is like the great escape where he's just part of the gang right yeah but i don't remember like big movies where he's the lead well he was a tv star right back in the day yeah but like but that he had the western and then what was the cop show he was rockford falls yeah uh i mean i have to say i don't know how many james garner movies i've

seen to be totally honest with you i mean this space cowboys i definitely saw previous episode The big ones are the great escape and the Americanization of Emily, which is really good. Well, also, of course, 1984's Tank. Also. He's a weird, like, dude that gets a tank and drives it around his shitty town. Yeah, you know what, Eric? I have seen Tank because I just, I had to fucking dust off the cobwebs in the back of my brain. But that's a movie.

It may have been a Chris Cabin Cup and Cupcake situation. And then let's watch Tank in the story. I think that's right. because I think that's probably where I saw. And I think I was really like selling it up. Like, we're watching Tank tonight. Because is George Kennedy in that movie? Oh, I don't remember.

I think I missed Tank and you guys were talking it up for months. We were going to miss Tank the other day, dude. You missed Tank. Yeah, well, you know what, Steve? You did miss Tank, all right? It was a great time between three buddies. The last time I think he was big was the notebook. Oh, right.

That's the last time. verbally in the theater. All right. You want to talk about tanks, uh, cast? Yeah. Okay. Uh, is it's going to be a four hour episode. Is it a no one George Kennedy? Is it a no one George Kennedy? See Thomas Howells in it. James Cromwell is in it. Oh, I might have been thinking of the crom. Yeah, I think you were thinking of the crom. That happens. Gardner is like, and it's, I mean, it's funny because this is before all the, I mean, some Clinton allegations were there. Like, this is more Jennifer Flowers territory, but not quite Monica Lewinsky. So he's

like a lethario, and it's cute, I guess is the idea. It's him and... There were plenty of people that liked that Bill Clinton fucked around. Yeah, Garner is fucking his book editor. Played by the great Mark Helgenberger. Dude,

how about this? I could not find Mark Helgenberger credited on the IMDB anywhere for this movie. That's super weird. It's her. She got her erased. I mean, is it? I mean, that's the thing. Because he says her name at one point.

So I was like, okay, remember the character's name and scroll through. Yes. I didn't see Mark Helgenberger anywhere. She's not. She's listed alphabetically at the very bottom, uncredited. Oh, really? Oh, wow. As Joanna. I'm just looking at it right now. Oh. She couldn't be, she couldn't bear to be, I mean, cast aside

Dan Aykroyd. Well, because it's just in letters like that. I mean, come on. That's forever. It's a thankless roll where like you know because you have the whole lemon scene and you cut to Garner and she's just like wow that was incredible he's like yeah I know it was sweetheart and he's like putting on his old man

boxer shorts and you're trying not to throw up. Dude you I wish you saw his butt cheeks in this movie would be fucking great. I love that. Can you walk honey? I'm kind of having a hard time actually. You'll see his flab ass go by the camera.

Got to tell you. Grampy Shaggy! Grampy Shaggy! you got to look out for them. Oh, before you go, here's a Werther's original. For your troubles. Ah, my dear, can I interest you

in an insurer? Yeah, because also... The relationship was going well before my birthday. He got me a $50 check inside of a card. That wasn't very romantic at all.

I got to tell you, though, I mean, between this and species, you know, a mid-to-late-90s Mark Helgenberger, not too shatty. Not at all. And, yeah, she's his book editor and, you know, Basically, she's like, he's like, so what do you think of my books?

Like, I like the sex better or whatever. And basically like, the idea is he never did anything as a president, I guess. Oh, can you imagine just blissfully living through a lame duck president? Fucking Christ almighty, would that be nice? It was like, it was that line that I was like, what a fantasy this movie is. And basically, like, he comes down and like, he has given the Secret Service the slip at some point, which is. The Secret Service is made to look terrible in this movie. Yes.

They're totally inept with keeping watch of like a president. They're, you know, assigned to protect. And then later, some of them are crooked. I want, like, the Keystone Cops movie about the Secret Service in this movie. Like, let me see it from the other side. These guys are humiliated at every turn. Bumbling morons. A network of bumbling morons trying to keep hold of fucking 80-year-old James Garner.

Well, you know, they've always bumbled things. I could think to one November day in 1963. Your favorite day, yes. I think he even said, who says, oh, why do you go watch in the line of fire again?

And I'm like, that line sucks. I think it's a garner. I think it's a garner joke. Yeah. So, like, they get word that someone has died and President

Dan Aykroyd calls in on I guess it's Jack Lemon to attend the funeral but then also James Garner is asked to go as well as like Democratic representation for whoever this person is. Yeah I think

doesn't Brimley ask him to be like the D&C's guy there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're totally right. So like we get the nice scene of the two of them meeting on Air Force One is kind of funny because James Garner walks in like hello baby, daddy's home.

And then, like, I think for the only time in his career, Jack Lemon gets to do a fucking, my shit don't stink chair turn around. And he's already on the plane first. Like, hello, James Garner. Well, Mr. Bond, I believe I'll find a escape's pretty impossible right now. Okay. Exactly. Oh, Jesus. Okay, Kramer, you're here.

I was going to, you know, I said baby. I was here to fuck the plane again. Oh, God, God, David. Mr. Bond, I want you to die, okay? I just want you to die. That's what I expected to do. If you could just die at some point, that would be really great. I got a lot of corporate sponsors that are breathing down my neck about it.

Here it is. It's Walter Mathow as Bond, and it's another Jack Lemmon, Walter Mather. That's an adorable film. Oh, get ready to perish, Mr. Bond. You know, instead of the martini with the shaking and what have you, let me just get scotch at an old boot. Yeah, I don't care if someone's worn it. Bond.

Come back alive. Well, you got it, honey. So they, like, attend this funeral, and it's a lot of, like, hilarious, you know, hilarious. Like, you know, funeral conversation about, like, who did you fuck here and there, like, while you're in office? Yeah, and you find out that James... And again, like, this is, I think the huge story

is that James Garner's in the middle of getting a divorce. And, like, I don't think... I can't remember ever a president, an ex-president getting divorced after... After the fact, right? Not that I can recall, like, in modern presidencies, for sure. All you have to do is poison him. Mm-hmm.

Right? I mean, I'm sure it happened with Nixon and Ford. Well, if it was with fucking Nixon, man, what was Pat waiting so long for? Christ Almighty. It's a good time to remind the audience that, once again, I watch the Nixon funeral in full on CNN back in whenever that was, Because you loved him, the big guy. Yeah, the big guy. He looked sweaty at the debate and the funeral.

Yeah, that was a sweaty-ass corpse. This is, we cut in to Bradley Whitford and is like the chief of staff to Dan Aykroyd. This is before the funeral or whatever. It's just like, Sir, Olympia is coming to light. And it's like, well, we can't let that happen. And then like, I'll take care of it, sir. Yeah, I have to say it's. it's once again totally weird

seeing Bradley Whitford be crooked in the White House while also playing Josh on the West Wing for so long where he's definitely not crooked. It's just hilarious how much like association in his career Bradley Whitford has with playing someone

who works in the White House. Bureaucrats in general is Bradley Whitford's thing. Like even in Parks and Rec, he's like a bureaucrat. Right. Do you think Aaron Sorker was blowing rails watching my fellow Americans and found his muse kind of a thing? No doubt about it. Yeah, I got to go through the Canada.

Ah, the presidential dramas and comedies. Oh, all right. Ooh. Ah. So, you know, yeah, so Dan Aykroyd's like, well, you better take care of that Bradley Winford. I heard there's a ghost in this Lincoln bedroom. Exactly, dude. I'm getting a blowjob from honesty.

Oh, my God. and Mary Todd came in and caught us, but oh, she's cool with it. Nyang, ying. Can you tuck a woman, especially if a woman's a ghost? Yep, I'm fucking the state pup mar. I always dreamed out fucking him when I was a little kid, playing on the shores of Camp of Conda. It's just so soft.

Oh, yeah, dude. Cushing for the pushing. So fucking finally, we cut to like some sort of fun. fundraiser party Dealey. And here comes Will Ford Brimley sauntering into this movie. He's greeting people at this party. He's shaking hands. Oh, how are you doing? God damn? What thanks for coming to this fundraiser. Like, he comes in with such joy. It's amazing to see him. It's like, you know, the Moses parting the sea when he comes into a crowd. Yeah, dude. Everybody's like,

holy fucking shit. There's the head of the DNC. That's the part that's like, hold on. Now make sure I get some of the crudeatee. It's going quick. Oh, God damn, what, there's nothing left with the raw broccoli. Raw broccoli. Well, that's what happens with broccoli and a croutetee, dude. Could you boil your little buns into the kitchen, find me another deviled egg? I know it's there.

I know it's there. Look, I got an important-ass policy meeting in about 15 minutes. And if I don't get at least a half dozen more deviled eggs down this gullet, But it's going to be a real policy problem in there, God damn. I know it has a fancy Italian name, but if you could get me some more of that fancy bacon-wrapped shrimp, I would really appreciate it. Or the fancy bacon with the melon. I love that. I absolutely love it.

I love the idea that, like, the White House is a secret reserve of deviled eggs or something. A case of emergency. Absolutely. You just leave them out in case you run out too quickly is the idea. Listen, dude, I think deviled eggs are also the ultimate universal peacemaker. Like, you have two conflicting parties, like, in some sort of, like, really high-tension discussion, and you're like, hey, folks, why don't we take a quick break? And while we let cooler heads prevail, hopefully, how about some deviled eggs? I totally see this.

You bring together people who are allergic to eggs and people who aren't allergic to eggs. You bring them together, and one whole side dies. We're all good. Egg allergy, is that a real thing? Oh, yeah. Kill me dead. Mikhail, may I remind you, the deviled eggs are on the way. Can you tear down that wall, please?

Mr. President, this is nothing but egg and mayonnaise. There's no paprika on top. Dude, you need the paprika that's totally right, Kevin. Great call. Anytime I see a paprika-less deviled egg, you can fucking get right out of here. Yeah, go fuck yourself. garnish that shit up. Because I know that that person making those deviled eggs

doesn't know what they're doing. That's why Reagan and Russia never got along because he fucking hated paprika. You know, I'm sorry that I threw up all over you, Premier of China, but to make it be a little sweeter for you, how about some famous White House deviled eggs? Junior, bring out the deviled eggs.

Oh, man, what do you mean? You got no more devil dags left. They're going to impeach me now. Oh, man. I told you. keep a stash for kids star no i didn't tell you to give me deviled eggs i meant get me the devil well uh some folks like having a meeting without devil eggs and uh i feel bad for them because i'm a guy who likes to have a meeting with some deviled eggs on the table hey poppy what are eggs

you're never going to make a good precedent boy if you don't know about the deviled Got a buck up on your deviled egg knowledge, boy. Oh, Poppy, I bought a bunch of mustard and eggs. Is this how you do it? That's another good call, though. You need a little bit of yellow mustard in there. One of the only times in my life I will tolerate yellow mustard. Okay, here's the score.

We bombed them Cambodian louse, of course, with deviled eggs. Oh, yes, they will not take a two megaton bomb filled with devoured eggs. Well, I'll tell you, fellas. I prefer a deviled peanut to a devil day any day. A little paprika and mayonnaise on a peanut. Pretty good. Yeah, I have

no time for deviled eggs. My head is broken like a shell of an egg. Oh, Lord. So we also meet Seala Ward at this point. She's playing K, a TV news reporter. Seala Ward, who's doing her best to be

in this movie. But the movie doesn't let her be in the movie. Yeah, you know, I was thinking about this. Seala Ward wasn't really a name at the time. Oh, sure not. You know, what was that big ass TV show she had? Oh, God. The practice? No. Was that it? Right now. Well, there was

one being at some point, and then it's split in two, and it was Seala Ward and Gene Triplehorn. That's a good call, dude. That's a real one actor was taking work away from the other one. They look identical. It really, like, basic, I was sure Seel Award was in it the whole time.

There's not a TV show called Sisters for about four, five years. I believe it's probably in the 90s year. And then once and again, another one. Then she did, had her house run. And yeah, I mean, like, yeah, she just, I mean, I think she's good. But I mean, like, she's just not in this movie. And like, at the end of the movie, someone's like, should we call Seal Award? And somebody's like, no, we shouldn't.

And that's kind of it. She does get, I mean, she's in the last scene of the movie, barely. but she yeah she goes up to jack lemon and says i know about a scandal called olympia wherein you took lunch with somebody and you got a kickback right exactly uh it was some sort of like defense contractor is the idea um and you know lemon is sitting there he has a line like who stands to benefit from framing me and there is it is a great shot i feel of the doors opening up and Dan Aykroyd like proudly, cockily

walking into the room. I've always liked this Dan Akroyd entrance for whatever reason. It's uh, it's, it's, it goes all the way to the top pretty immediately. Yeah, no, right away. It's a thing where Dan Aykroyd totally knows like what, you know, he's like, oh yeah, that thing.

Oh, that probably will fuck me. Oh, man. I hope I, I, because I didn't really pay attention to what the, like, I knew it was a kickback, but I didn't really pay attention to what it was for other than like defense, but I was like, oh, man, Seala Ward. If it has anything to do with ProVasic, just leave it alone. Just leave it alone.

Your fucking poor husband. Just leave it alone. The hilarious thing about this fucking movie is all hinges on like a scandal taking down a presidency, which we all know now is fictional. Yes, that never happens. Those don't happen.

So, yeah, I mean, whatever. We can move ahead here a little bit. You know, Lemon is now like trying to figure. year out who did it so he's kind of like trying to sniff out clues and everything there's a golf tournament scene well um brimley does put um garner on it he's like listen you you want to get in on this presidential ticket you've got to seal the deal with this scandal and it's like what he has to play detective and then he can run for president and the party will back him yeah it's yeah that's a weird like we're going to send this ex president on a

sort of spy, like, fact-finding mission. Also, you're going to run a guy who lost? Yes, exactly. Like, what are you talking about? Like, I just want Brimley to be, like, holding in a laugh a little bit. Like, yeah, we're running you again. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, God, damn it.

This will definitely secure you the nomination. Let's forget about things like primaries and whatnot. You'll definitely, yeah, just kind of spy on us for a little bit. Debbie Wasserman Brimley Now just picturing Wilfred Brimley with her fucking hair And I'm getting freaked out Listen, if you

Here's a deal If you say that you're gonna find If you find out about Dan Akrod's Secret Dealance We'll make sure Buttigieg and Klobuchar drop out At the exact same time, God damn. I mean, you know Yeah

Yeah, no. There's the, you know, the golf scene is not much to mention because it's a lot of just like swinging dick kind of things. But there is a weird moment where John Hurd goes to golf and the fucking golf ball hits a dude in the head. And it's a whole thing where like the duty winds up hitting is a black gentleman. He's got this awkward like, well, it's, thank God it's a sport. Your people aren't good at. And it gets into like country club admission stuff. And it's like, I don't know. I don't know if quail was ever like. cluelessly racist like that. It eventually veers into like well maybe it's good that white people have a sport and it's like dude it's yeah it's a thing that like wasn't Tiger Woods hitting the hitting the shit by now?

I think so in 96 early days though that would be early yeah I think he was around but it's like a thing that like if like things like social media and cell phones existed in 96 and the way they do now like you know in a regular presidency nowadays

like that dude would be toast. You know, that Quill was never, like, quail was more of like a Joe Biden as a vice president. Like, just goofy as shit all the time. He was a Joe Biden. Like, that's more of what I got. Yes.

So we come to find out that, uh, the guy that they are looking for who was part of the whole thing is this dude, Charlie Reynolds is supposedly the contractor. And welcome to the movie all too briefly, the late, the great James Rebhorn. Yeah.

Right. Next year we'll do Rebhorn giving, and it'll all be in James Rebhorn movies. Rebs giving. Do you think that something happened on the set of this movie? Maybe they knew too much. Maybe they got two into their roles and found out too much because Lauren Bacall, James Gardner, and James Rebhorn all died in 2014. Ooh, interesting. I believe this was a systematic assassination. Interesting. By Obama?

I mean nearly nearly 20 years they waited This is a vengeance for Jack Lemon I'm going to send a series of drone strikes To kill James Rebhorn James Gardner And yep Lauren McCall And yep That's what you get for doing a movie without

Walter Mathout Thanks you Obama Seal of Ward You got off easy I don't know how I avoided this Because no one remembered you were in this movie Dan Aykroyd is a fate worth the death

so no Dan Aykroyd you are just permanently relegated to liquor warehouse parking lots doing vodka events that's worse than death I mean I know Bradley Whitford things we're friends

but not anymore motherfucker every time I see him I say good job on happy Gilmore he knows that I know it's Billy Madison but I like to fuck with him. He knows that I know it's Billy Madison is fucking great.

Mr. President, it was Billy Madison. I'm sorry, Mr. President, it was Billy Madison. Thank you. Nope. You were in Happy Gilmore. Okay, I was in Happy Gilmour.

I was in Happy Gilmour, and I was never in Billy Madison. Thank you, sir. Hey, Brad, do you want me to change your presidential archives wherein you are in Happy Gilmore? I can do it. I have that power.

Yep, Bradley, I beg to differ. Mr. Gilmore, accomplish that feat no more than an hour ago. Man, I have not seen Happy Gilmore in a long-ass time. Does it hold up if you watch it? I watched it not too long ago, and I still think that Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore are like the two, my pinnacle of Adam Sandler. Maybe that's nostalgia talking, but I agree with that. You're never going to touch those, too. Hey, man, I don't know if you guys have seen who been.

Halloween or not but uh I have not I did at a good time it's fun it's good it's fun but it's no it's no it's no it's those and it just reminded me of those movies though uncut gems also hilarious very funny movie also I mean not for nothing I Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore are fine but the I think superior sandman picture of that time is the wedding singer oh yeah it is good it is I think those three you know he could have just stopped the wedding singer is the best movie I laugh more at Billy Madison

Happy Gilmore for sure. I'm with Cabin on that. Really? Yes. Interesting. I think Gilmore is number one. Wow. We watched Wedding Singer a few weeks ago actually and man was that a fucking ball. It's a good movie. So anyway

so yeah James Rebhorn is the guy here and you know you get a case of too many grandmas here because like first I think Jack Lemon comes to meet with him and then he's like, well, so what's going out? You're lying about this whole

fucking thing? And he's like, no, I'm not. And then like, he gets rid of him. And then his secretary's like, Mr. Reynolds, the president's here, he's like, I just said goodbye. The other one. And it's like, I got it. There's a lot of presidents. So they're moving, grandma, grandma's gaining

on us. And, you know, it's Garner being like, hey man, you know we're on the same team here i'll fucking help you out james redporn like you just got to tell me what's going on and then he leaves and red porn calls bradley whitford thus connecting the circle of crooked people here and whitford's like don't worry about it i got my a number one guy on it and it's fucking everett mcgill who always freaked me out in this movie oh yeah he's scary he's scary in this movie and i think part of it is like at least

on Twin Peaks, he's got his hair a little ruffled up. He looks kind of like a human being, but it's so short in this and you realize how, like maybe his forehead's too short. What's going on with this guy? He kind of looks like Mike Pence. He does kind of, if he's a little too old for it now, but he

would have made a great Pence at some point. Maybe Saturday Live could fucking put him on there too. Also, I do think he plays in some movie where he's a tough like this, where he has like white short hair. Like, like Pence. Like I think, oh, a straight story.

Yes. Under Siege 2, I think he has short white hair. Is that what his, I wonder if that's what his IMDB picture is from, because there's Everett McGill's IMD picture, you're like, the fuck are you doing? Well, it's just so David Lynch that David Lynch would make him this like totally sweet guy that just try to make it all work when he's just a terrifying monster man. Yeah. Oh, you know, no, this is, it's not from a movie, it's just a picture of him. And now he's got just like super blonde hair for some reason. uh so you know we meet up with these two presidents there's the aforementioned like a book event

that james garner was fucking his way towards at the beginning of the movie and it's like he's hawking like a memoir and then jack lemon who has famously written a bunch of books before is now hawking a cookbook called hail to the chef okay well it's an interesting character trait keeps him kind of grounded because they they mentioned like oh he cooked a bunch of the meals that they would serve to people going to the white house oh yeah he cooked for the a lot of the guests of the White House. Yeah, for sure. If I'm on the opposing party, those are my potluck rules. Like, you're putting

fucking shit or dog come in here? I don't know. Oh, yeah. He cooked for the whole team that tried to take out Noriega. So they're doing this book event, and James Garner is signing autographs and Rebhorn's assistant, who we met in the scene before it comes up, and she's like,

oh, you know, James Rebhorn would love your autograph. And he opens the book, and it's a note from Rebhorn that's like, hey, meet me outside of Union Station at noon. You know, we got to talk about this. He goes out there to meet with him. Rebhorn immediately shot in the head. I mean, the stakes are now sky high.

By the way, James Garner, to leave, he, A, gets, poor Dana Gould, uh, roughed up by the Secret Service. And he dresses up like fucking Raphael, the Ninja Turtle, go to a porno mat day. Dude, where does he pull this huge rain hat from? I do not believe it. Was that really Dana, Gould playing the sandwich boy. It is. Yep. See, now I was like, oh, poor sandwich boy. But now that you tell me it's Dana Gould, I'm like, they went easy on them.

You could kick a more, you know. Thank you, Mrs. Siska. No, you could kick a more. So, you know, Lemon comes out and he's like, hey, what are you doing out here? And he's like, you know, oh, see that? There's a fucking dead guy in there. We got to get out of here. And they just kind of like bounce. But, but not before fucking James Gardner gets served with a subpoena about the divorce. divorce. Yeah. And he throws it on the floor of the car with the corpse and he leaves it in there. Oh, does he really? Oh, I didn't notice that. I mean, that's the thing, right? Is like, these dudes, two ex-presidents both vanish from a book event. And it's not immediately a massive story. Of course. At a dead person, like, what happened to Trump? There's never the story about and then Charlie Reynolds was found dead in his house or in wherever. Because you do see some guy, like, You know who that guy is, though? Who?

The deep state. Oh. The deep state owns a tow truck and it takes him away. It knows that he is dead. I mean, Charlie Reynolds disappearing is kind of like whatever. He's not a president. Like the tow truck that comes up, those guys are crooked. Yeah, that's what I mean.

That's not. Deep state. It is the deep. I mean, there's a lot of, the deep state is really turned the screws to these two old fuckers. Yeah. And they can't fucking, they're bumbling over. too they can't do this for nothing these are two 70 year olds and you're fucking up left and right i love it's pretty embarrassed i love the idea like uh oh this um what do you call it there

this this scandal about a kickback might come to light maybe we should kill two ex presidents that's a good idea you know what i mean like it's yeah also it is insane it is insane it's the military industrial complex involved in this kickback scheme what else is new exactly you just like you wipe it off like well you know i that kickback is strong word we we we we negotiated hard or whatever else and you're fine it's a donation the caricature they've they've given lemon in this is that like he if it's free food he'll eat it so poison a fucking hot dog and just get put it in his face he will eat it just get it done with well and it's i think it comes down to a problem of like you know the you're trying to really

figure out a thing that would like cause a bunch of people like Everett McGill and Bradley Woodford to be like, oh, we should kill them, but also trying to still make it like a PG-13 comedy. Yes, exactly. You know what I mean? Because this is a thing where it's like, they're going to find out, you know, he's a fucking child rapist. And you'd be like,

well, okay, like that's I can see them going to the lengths, but yeah, a kickback. It's just like, all right. Absolute power makes sense because like a woman dies. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah, exactly. Dan Aykroyd, you know, is with a sex worker of some kind. She fucking eats shit in the Lincoln bedroom. Is dad a ghost blowing you, Mr. President?

I'm going to sit here and watch you while you get blown by it. I'm in a weird extra room for a cuck, and I'm watching you get sucked off by a fucking specter. She got killed during sex, and then her ghost keeps working on it. but yeah it's just it's very like let's but the idea of killing two ex-presidents is a totally crazy thing but that's where we're going with because yeah like now they go like jack leban's house to talk it over his there's a funny little minute with him and his grandson where of course he gets a little water gun looks exactly like a real gun real quick did you guys notice this and maybe i'm the only one but the establishing shot outside a lemon's house there's a little girl going by on a bicycle

She spikes the camera Big time. Oh, does she? Oh, really? She looks directly at the lens and smiles. Maybe that's where James Garner is getting it. He's like, you can't have that Pete. Pete. Look at this. I think I'm working with a professional here. He insists on casting his niece as extra who rides by the house.

And she can't stop from looking at the gosh damn camera. I guess Pete, you're going to go look at those dailies. What? The dailies. You know, the things that you watch every day to see. Wait, what? What's that? No, we edit the movie at the end of the process. No, I know, but the date, all right.

I tell you how that we might notice a little girl looking at it. You know what, fuck it. You know what, Jack, let's go get a drink. That's what I've been saying for 25 fucking minutes. You're talking to the goddamn director. I just stopped waiting for the fucking bar car to get here. Speaking of Adam Sandler, this director, once he hooked up with Sandler, is kind of when his career kind of went shit, right?

I mean, he directed a bunch of financially successful Adam Sandler movies. Well, I mean, he'd start, you know, like towards the start of his career, he's got Naked Gun 3, Tommy Boy, my fellow Americans, Nottie Professor 2, and then Anchor Management, and then 50 first dates, and then Longest Yard, and then Get Smart. Yeah, these are all like not, I mean, Gretz gets where it was kind of a hit, right? Yeah, yeah, I don't know we're outside of Sandler now. Grudge match. I think I might be My Spy, I didn't see this A 2020 release, I wonder why I didn't see it

Oh, that's a Batista doing like The Pacifier type thing Yes Yeah, why you didn't see it was it was a movie Whose Release was like fucked up I mean, it's not the only reason you didn't see it But it was a movie whose release was fucked up by COVID So they just dumped it on like PVOD

Yeah, he directed a second act with Jennifer Lopez Which some people will tell you was a good movie okay all right fine i will finally own up to mismanaging covid my spy should have come out on vod a lot earlier that's the only thing i'll i'll take credit for or i apologize for that only you're not asking sleepy joe biden about vod releases very unfair i mean where are the new mutants joe where are the new you know Joe Biden let Tenet come out in 12 theaters it made $100,000

it was a disgrace it was a disgrace the way Tenet came out I agree wow broken clock You know I was conflating the filmographies of him with Stephen Brill who's also done another shit ton of Sandler movies including Hoobie Halloween but yeah you know he did the do-over

Sandy Wexler Mr. Deeds, fucking little Nicky, oof. Oh, man. And Stanley Wexler, I just remember that was a movie just now. Yeah. Yes, you and everybody else listening. So, whatever. Yeah. While they're there, they're trying to make this uneasy alliance about, like, who knows what, and the Secret Service shows up. We need both of you guys

to get to Washington right now. And they is, but by the way, they've slipped their own Secret Service. It's just, never that moment in the movie where because you may there's a lot of jokes about their specific secret service agents one of which Jack Lemons was what should we call it? Joe from Seinfeld. What's his face?

Joe from Seinfeld? Oh Mr. Morgan? Mr. Morgan from Seinfeld. Yes. And like there's like bad jokes about Lemon can never keep his secret service agent straight and he mixes up the white guy and the black guy and that's like the joke there.

There's one line that was really bad. where he's like, you're black, you're tall, whoopty fuck. And, like, that's, I'm like, okay. Well, Chris, he is a Republican from Ohio. Sure. That's a good word. But, but, but, and then like, even, you know, Garner's ones are like, other Secret Service agents guys that, like, we're aware of, there needs to be a scene with Everett McGill be like,

stand down, but, or like something, you know what I mean? Well, it's weird because ever, we're told that Everett McGill works for the NSA. So, I don't know who's got fucking authority there, yeah that's a good point um but so anyway they're like getting this chopper we're going to take you back to washington the president needs you immediately and it's a whole thing where james garner realizes eventually like oh oh no they're not going to the white house they're going to camp david and he's like oh it doesn't take this long to fly to camp david from where we were like what's going on and he's noticing like a mountain range and whatever and these the dudes flying the copter like

what camp david we're not fucking going to camp david dude what are you talking about we're going to somewhere called KillSight? Kill site? And then we're going to some place called Graveyard. Okay. I just love to Graveyard.

That got me. I think I had some conferences there once. Yeah, it rings about Graveyard. It's in Denmark, right? Agent Myers, Agent Maxwell, what I want you to do is kill the last two presidents. By yourself, by

the way. Oh, okay, sure. No problem. Gotcha. No questions. asked. It's you know what, man, just following orders, you know? That's true. Sir, are you going to pay me or do I get a promotion? You're going to kill two of the presents. Oh.

Hold on. You want us to kill two presidents that aren't Nixon? Are you positive? Are you sure? Because we could kill him twice, sir. We forgot that technology. I would, sir, not for nothing. I got into this business to kill Richard Nixon. So, you know,

the guy flying the chopper is like, hey, it's totally classified where we're taking you, but, you know, just FYI, the president is back at the White House, and Lemon pulls out the squirt gun that he had from his grandson and holds it to the dude's head. Garner gets the other guy's gun. They forced them to land the copter, and then like they take back off while the two of them are like, kvetching in a field, and they're like, well, all right, well, we got to get this copper, you know, this chopper down to get out of here, whatever. And it's really kind of funny, like, bring it down. Bring it down. Bring it down. And this fucking. thing explodes. Yeah, it's good. You know, their back and forth is still funny and good, despite it not being math. Now, one thing I've written down, I don't remember, I don't remember the context exactly, but I think it's lemon that says, you know what gives me the red ass? Oh, man.

Gardner going, the red ass? Totally. He also in this movie says, you don't want to know what steams my clams. Yes. It's so good. Young teenager, Chris Cabin, really liked the red ass. I thought that was a great lot. I was like, yep.

You know what? Adult Eric Siska loves the red ass. So Lemons, like, we have to go to Ohio. That's, I have a ledger there. Well, that will implicate everyone that involved because of the cook will say that I wasn't part of the meeting. Therefore, it was Accroy, the president. So we have to walk to Ohio. Music cue, by the way, CCRs, I see a bad moon arising.

And I'm like, uh-oh. Is Jack Levin going to get bit by a werewolf here? Are we going to get present? Wherewolf? Dude, President Weirwolf would watch 10 out of 10 stars. So I got bit by a fucking dog

and now I got a pee on a fire hydrant once a month? This is ridiculous. This is absolutely ridiculous. Oh, it's unbelievable. You say a werewolf can spot the pentagram in the palm of his next victim and oh, man, I just looked at my wife

and oh boy, oh, Lauren, but come get out of here. Look, Mr. President, we've strapped you down. We have to strap you down to stop you from doing it. This is your best friend. Yes, it's your best friend. Jack, it's me, Walter Matho. I'm slowly decomposing.

You've got to kill yourself. Oh, yeah, just lock me in the basement of the White House for the next weekend, okay? I'll be fine on Monday. I promise, I'll be fine. Let me just take this trip to, oh, no, I'm in Piccadilly circus, oh, Christ. An American president in London. I love it. That would be fucking great.

There is a brief exchange. We cut away from their shenan. for a second for Seal Award to come into this restaurant where fucking you know what Wilford Brimley is just trying to have a quiet dinner alone goddamut I can believe the acting prowess of Wilford Brimley being

the head of the DNC even though he's a staunch Republican I'm like all right I guess I'll go there but he's just like can I just eat my salad and peace and I'm like this is a bridge too far my friend I totally agree with you it took me right out of the movie I was like where are the pork chops and this is where we're almost

like veering into genius level comedy in this movie is Brimley tells her, my salad's getting cold. A plus. Put it on the reel when he dies. It's the best thing he's ever done. I love that. Obviously, you think, you know, salad is cold and that's just a quip.

But no, Brimley's character's like, I would like a salad hot. Well, give me a piping hot salad, God damn. Don't you heat up an antipasto for me? Take a salad, broil it. I want to, I want to, Singe my mustache on my lettuce, boy. Take this back to the kitchen.

I am not above sending back the salad because it's too cold. I asked for the dressing to be boiling hot and on the side, goddamn. A true chef can heat up a salad and not burn the lettuce like this. Get this out of my face. Bring it back to the kitchen. All right, I got my salad, put some hot queso on it. Oh, man. He has two great lines because that my salad's getting cold is fucking great.

but when she gets to the table he goes what an exciting and blood curdling surprise if you're going to do this like I need you to also have like Donald Sutherland as the R&C Ed or something yes you got to balance this out a little bit to me I kept waiting for Brimley to be crooked because that would make sense why he's even in the movie

like you know what I mean like he's behind it all or so I mean there's so many ins and outs of this plot of like we need to simplify a touch guys yeah a lot of what have you is also Because he represents, like, the good apparatus of government that we, I don't know. Like, he's one of the good guys and, like, not all of government is the deep state. Right, yeah, which like, I don't know. I'm sure those people are out there.

You know what I mean? It's like, it's fine to have in this movie. It's just weird that it's Wilfrid Brimbley in this case. Yes. Oh, there's the pissing scene. We can talk about that. That's a great scene of pissing. I love the pissing scene.

they sort of like wander through the forest until they come into a train station they go into the train station bathroom to take a leak and then there's like a dude they they nicely have like am i remembering this right they get to the urinal first and the guy comes in the middle of them yes she does because that's i wanted to point out appropriate public bathroom men's etiquette right here you two guys go into the to the stall at the same time or the the urinals at the same time you know you leave that buff Yeah. You know, it's very important. And you know what? I think the whole thing has been kind of destroyed. And I'm no longer, if I can help it. I'm not a urinal guy anymore because guess what? That contract has been breached one too many times. I totally agree with you, dude. You know, and I can't remember the last time I used a fucking public restroom. But like, I'm a stall man, whether it's at the movies or restaurant or whatever, I'm going to the stall. It's just a nice break from your day. You just to close in there. And now you're on the stall. You're having a good time. It really depends on how the dams doing. If I'm really holding it back, the first thing I see that I put my piss in, I'm putting it in. If I see a faucet first, I will do it. Put my piss in, ladies and gentlemen. You put your piss in there, buddy. Hey, you put your piss in there.

Don't put your piss over there. Now, fellas, we are bathroom influencers on a certain degree. I want to mention, like, if any young men or whoever are listening to this, and want to put their piss in the stall, you know what, kick up that seat first. Let's, you know, let's, let's, let's be all together. I mean, especially now. Let's really pretend for two seconds like we're living in a society.

You're absolutely right. Never piss on a seat. Can I, if we're talking about bathroom etiquette, can I just take a word out to Kevin Nash or whoever is boot kicking open doors and breaking all the locks in the men's bathroom? I don't know who it is. Yeah. First of all, Kevin Nash is a great private.

suspect. I think he goes in and gives the boot to these fucking stalls. Six out of eight fucking men's room stalls have the lock broken and I don't understand why. You're absolutely right, dude. And for all you fucking pricks out there that think it's cool or fucking funny to do that,

fuck you, man, because the next person in there can be dealing with having a fucking diarrhea attack to beat the bang. Now you're just going to have them doing it more. This is what they want. You have to understand. None of your friends think it's cool. None of your friends think it's funny, and you just look like a total

loser, so don't do it. Just fucking use your shoulder or your elbow or back into it like everybody else. Listen, not only that, if I catch you doing it, dude. Yeah. You're done, dude. Yeah. I'm a big guy. I'm fucking calling Kevin Nash, if that happened. It might be Kevin Nash himself

though. You guys might as well be holding up a banner that says, I do not want doors that work anymore. Well, I got bathroom range, Chris, and if I, that's rage. Did I say that right? I got bathroom rage and if I see no doors

I'm killing well no I'm not legally I'm anyway I'm upset and I'm taking it out on people because also the great thing about the stall too right let's all admit it it's kind of like you have your own little private office

exactly you know what I'm like an elevator to shit your own place to place your piss you're a piss I think all urinals should be eliminated yeah you know what I'm that is prime real estate that could be another too far this is a radical agenda i don't like it i can you imagine a beautiful a situation dude

where you fucking just walked into a bathroom and it was just like 10 beautiful stalls the doors all work you're talking about union hall one of my favorite bars in new york city and it was it was a genderless bathroom so we get rid of all that bullshit it's just like 12 closets with toilets in them you go in and everyone washes their hands and everyone's having a good time i like that idea i'm telling you though you go the other way all urinals and then the women just pissing them too Absolutely not Chris Chris I didn't imagine

this world could be worse than it is today but thank you and let me tell you this if you ever go into a bar like an old timey bar an old timey restaurant where instead in the men's bathroom

of separate urinals they just have that big bathtub with ice in it leave there and never patronize that place again actually it should just be one of those in the center of the floor and everybody just gets around it

and pisses in the big tub What is this Wrigley field? Exactly. One of the worst bathrooms in America. And, yeah, actually, that's great. You mentioned that, dude, baseball stadiums because the old Yankee Stadium had the same thing. The fucking urinals that went all the way to the floor, you are just asking people to piss on the floor. What is the matter with you?

The fucking trough. Rigley has an actual trough of piss. And it's just like all these old, I mean, it's designed for all these old weird fuckers. Like, my peanuts. I'm going to my weird fucking swimmer dick out. All I'm saying, peanut man, is that I think we're being a little too precious with our piss. Chris, just fucking put it somewhere and get rid of it. I will put my piss anywhere, but I'm tired of my, of the cock lookers.

The cock lookers? I, Grand Central, I had an old man harassed me for a little bit because he got a look and he liked what he wanted. He followed me around the fucking terminal doing the old man eyebrow up and down. How'd you get that? How'd you get one of the dogs? Oh, God, that was spectacular what I just saw right there. It was good jeans. Good genes, indeed.

So that's that. They want, long story short, it's a bad Elvis impersonator joke because it's the mid-90s. Hold on, fellas. What's that? The first penis. Oh, of course. James Gardner refers to his penis as the first penis. And he pretends he just made it up.

He's like, I guess I like that. I'm like, you've been saying that for 20 years, dude, back on. And then he, yeah, he says, oh, maybe. I'll start saying this all the time for my penis. What do you think, Blinky? So he named his penis Blinky, and now Blinky has arisen to the presidency of penis. President penis.

Well, the weird thing is he calls his penis Blinky because it looks like one of those Pac-Man ghosts. Oh, careful, Blinky. Pac-Man's going to get you. He's going to put you in his mouth. All right, Blanky, get the cherries. Hey, Blanky, tell me about your Twinkie. I have to say, the whole fucking male thing of naming your fucking shlong, man.

Just stop it. It's not funny. I think about my dick enough, you know what I mean? Like, I don't need any more fucking, any more reverence put on that. I think that's more of a 90s early aughts thing. I think we might have grown out of that. It's a boomer thing for sure. Yeah, just like, yeah.

So the Elvis impersonator is like, all right, hey, no sharing tips or whatever. And they're like, what? And it's a train that's going through North Carolina. I think it's either the Tar Heels have just won the NCAA championships or they're going to the NCAA finals. Either way, this Elvis impersonator is there to entertain them on the train. And so everybody thinks that our two heroes are presidential impersonators is the idea. So this is now they're trying to catch a ride. They're like, oh, shit, is that Dana Carvey and Phil Hartman?

Because Phil Hartman played President whatever, President Kramer, and Dana Carvey played President Matthews or whatever. Is it Matthews? I believe so. Douglas and Kramer. Douglas and Kramer. Matthew Douglas. Oh, there it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, but that's that joke. We don't have to talk about it anymore. It didn't work. We can just move on from the joke that didn't work. Okay. That's okay. Totally fine, not to highlight the bad jokes.

So they're having a fucking. and ball on this train. It's one of those things where this happens to them throughout the movie, but it's like because here at least they don't think that they're the actual presidents. It's like they're giving, they're talking to people like, oh, what'd you think of him

as a president actually? You know, and it's like this one guy's like giving it straight about how he felt about Jack Lemon as a president and like a mature child, Jack Lemon sprays a juice box in his face. And then James Garner is talking to a Marilyn Monroe impersonator and he's like, or she's

says, you know, by the way, a little inside baseball here, I fuck the real guy. And he's like, oh, really? Well, what did you think of him? And she's like, yeah, it was a lot like his presidency, a lot of talk and not much action or something. What a couple of sex maniacs being inches away from somebody had sex with it being like, yeah, I don't, I don't know, I, that's not the right person. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know who this might be. Oh, wow, I guess I did have sex with you. I'm a fucking lunatic. I mean, yeah. Yeah, I don't, you know, I've never, I've never slept with the celebrity impersonators. That's a good point.

I don't know how that works. Um, so yada yada, you know, a bunch of fucking NSA dudes get on the train. These guys have to jump off. It's a funny old men are jumping off a train sequence. Um, but you have, there is a great line because it's like James Garner pushes Jack Lemon out of the train and then he jumps himself, but Garner's character is the one who gets hurt more. And he's got a line that I always liked, which was, I think I got a,

chunk of Purple Mountain's majesty up my ass. Can we, I'm sorry, these two dudes jump off a train, they are both dead. Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, Lemon's definitely dead. Garner, Garner's probably just like really hurt. I mean, they look intact,

but the inside is just all bone and blood mashed up. Like, it's just all. Exactly. They would just, they would like, they would like fall apart. Like, there'd be nothing left. All of their organs just look like broken water balloons. I don't know about you, Douglas, but every time I piss now, I piss blood.

They called me Mr. Glass. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, you want me to jump off a train? Well, I'm going across the street to Jerry Graff, period. Fuck you. So dating this movie in the worst possible way, the two of them go into a convenience store that is blaring the macarena. Oh, boy. Did not need this, did not remember it, did not appreciate it.

Yeah, it's crazy. And, you know, I guess the one saving grace is it's not like they walk in and he's like, oh, look at this, the macarena. Oh, I love that song. Like, it's not acknowledged at all. But at least they're doing it in 1996 and not 2001 like that abomination Shrek. Fuck you, Shrek. Oh, man, now he's going to just, we're all going to be talking Shrek now.

Okay, let's go. No, no, no, no. No, we'll save that for Shrek forever after. Oh, yeah, stay tuned. So they get out of there because, again, the fuzz fucking finds them immediately. They meet up with the late Conchata Farrell passed away recently

playing this truck driver and this is like we just get into some weird shit here where they, this happens a lot in this movie where the two of them talk to each other like somebody's up there. Yes, as if there isn't a person six inches away from them. Yes. Because and it's

a lot of this nasty shit is coming from Jack Lemon and he's like, you better keep it down James Garner. We got Shamu the killer Hink over here. You're just like Jesus, fucking Christ. Got a laugh out of me. Rewatching the movie. Got a laugh out of me.

It's one thing to have that joke. And then maybe the joke is she's like, well, get out of my truck. Oh, no, I know I'm a fat pig. I'm obese. I'm disgusting. And I'm like, dude, it's a lot for this actress to have to deal with. It makes it so much worse to be like hearing that they're hurt by it.

And also, like, we don't even need it. We don't need that. It's not part of the story at all. The reason why Jack Lemons so adversarial to the... Conchaate Farrell. The killer hick. Is that she says nobody rides for free. So $50 and they don't have that.

$50. It wasn't $50. So she says, I'll take your watch. And Gorbachev gave him that watch. So that's actually something that dates it. That could connect the dots for us in the timeline. Gorbitrov was, so the Soviet Union was intact whenever Kramer was president as Jack Lemon, or maybe he was a vice in the mix or an ambassador.

Yeah, I think it's after. I think it's after. I think he's settled down. He wasn't the head of state at that point. So the, okay, so the retired Gorbachev gives him a watch. And now he gives it to Shammu the killer Hick. All right. And that's what steams as clams, by the way, folks at home,

that's when the steaming of the clams is managed. You're totally right, yeah. And then they get pulled over and oops, she's hauling illegal immigrants over state lines, I assume. Dude, and it is a fucking horrendous music cue right here. Because they're like, oh, what are we hauling? And she's like, farm equipment. And then a helicopter comes over and it's like,

this is the INS, pull over, blah, blah, blah. And she stops this car. And she's like, you better run for it. And the back of this truck opens and the music cue is just like Mexican ranchero guitar and you're like, man, I would have got it without that. It's the band that found Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men. They're like fucking kick in because fucking Michael Payne and a couple of his buddies are fucking running. And yes, one of these dudes is a not yet famous Michael Pennian in this movie. I was shocked to see him in this.

He must have been like 22 years old or something. Yeah, he's young. If that, yeah, it's crazy. an insane thing that happens right here though, where the NSA chopper flies in, like, and the INS chopper is like, hey,

you're interfering with official federal business, like, get out of here or whatever. And the NSA is like, no, no, no, like this is NSA case now, like it's the Department of Defense or whatever, like get the fuck out of here yourself, and they're like, make us. And the fucking NSA, whoever these dudes

are, the deep state guys, like, launch a rocket, in front of their face. Yeah, cross the bow. Pretty crazy. Oh, you go, I'm sorry. Well, I'm just saying the whole, the whole, it's to play as a gag.

They're like, all right, yeah, we're out of here. But like, where did that thing go? That's a great question. Holy shit. We're used to it by now. Like, every day there's a new controversy. That, the fucking NSA shooting at the INS would fucking be for two years.

You wouldn't hear the end of it. With a missile that landed somewhere and fucking killed 50 people. I kind of think it's the funniest part of the movie because the two helicopters kind of talk to each other a little bit. Like one helicopter was like, hey, how's it going? I'm doing okay. How are you? You got to get out of it. It's kind of like when you're like playing as a little kid, you have two toys. You got to get out of here. I'm not going nowhere. Yes, you are.

And it's just like it's totally insane. Yeah. Absolutely. Because you, I think what helps that, Steve, is you don't see. Yes. Pilots in either. Exactly. Exactly. Aircraft, which is kind of fucking great. Whatever farmhouse gets blown up by that missile is just like, Oh, the UFOs got them. You space bastard! You killed my pine! Art Bell here. Definitely be an Art Bell lead story the next week.

Absolutely. What are you saying, Cabin? I was going to say that, like, the best thing about the helicopter talk is that when it ends, it ends on like a meep. Like, yes. He says like, he's like, he shoots the missile. And then also he's like, well, have a nice day.

And like just shuts off. Yeah. Yeah. But now like if the actual NSA attacked now what is what is this agency the NSA? What was it the I say in the INS? Yes and the NSA. What's INS? Immigration and naturalization. It became a thing. So if the if the NSA killed them would it get press coverage? Like I'm very curious to see did it did German residents in Nazi Germany know about the the night of the long knives where the SS consolidated their power by taking out the S.A. I couldn't tell you.

Were they both in helicopters? Were they in talking helicopters? Yeah, because the ICE didn't exist yet, just that FYI. Ice didn't always exist. Ice doesn't always have to exist. Also, Department of Homeland Security, get that fucking shit out of here, in my opinion.

God, what are those people doing these days? Dude, it's like fucking senioritis over there with those fun. And everyone defending ICE in the Department of Homeland Security, you sound ridiculous, because you're basically you're like defending something that's brand new. Now, what came out in like

the early 2000s that everyone hates that shouldn't be around anymore? I don't know, Shrek. Also, conversely, just blow it out your ass. Eric is like abolished Shrek. Yes. Abolish from the wall. Ice, Homeland Security, and Shrek.

Yes. Holand Shrek purity, by the way. Yeah, dude, actually those guys would be helpful because they'd fucking take that shit out. A ticket of a... Once and for all. A Ciska Dan Harmon ticket. Oh, does he hate Shrek?

I think he also hates Shrek. I think he's very loud about that. Why did he fucking blow the audition? I don't know. So they're on the run. Michael Pena trades coats with James Garner, and he gives him this compass. They have a sweet sort of scene.

Another, like, wow, this is an America I didn't know about before. I was just the president of the fucking United States. Who would have guessed? He's like, wow, I cannot believe this. that I, as president of the United States, didn't know that people border hopping into this country are fleeing for reasons like getting a better life and they aspire to become America. Because that's all Michael Pena's thing, right? He's like, this is the fucking fourth time I've tried this. He's like, they just, they send you back, you wait 30 days and you try it again.

He's like, all I want to do is live in America. I love America, blah, blah, blah. And James Garner is like, huh, how about that? He's a person. Well, yeah, he's a Democrat. He's thinking, that'd make a great movie. Time to call it my buddies. I mean, there is kind of an angle

here that, like, James Gardner is the one that has any sympathy for these people whatsoever. And I think it's because he is the Democratic politician. Meanwhile, Jack Lemons is like, eh, where's my fucking watch? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. He's fucking bitching about that watch constantly. I thought he was going to get shot in the back because Michael Pena is

running on a field with James Carter's, James Garner's coat. I'm like, oh, fuck, is he going to get lit up? And no. That's what I thought, too. And see, that's, that's the thing, dude, you're totally right. I hadn't thought about that, but again, it's like, we're going for the goofy PG-13 comedy. But you're totally right. In any other kind of movie like this, that would like, you know, the heat is even more on.

Like, wow, they really mean business. They just think they shot a president in the back. They want to kill us. You didn't even actually see Rebhorn get shot. Like, it kind of cuts it out that it happened. Whereas, like, if you actually saw Michael Pena get shot, that would completely destroy this movie. They really get around that red porn assassination too because like when James Garner looks back at him he's like kind of just sleeping with a little bit of blood and there's the

tiny bullet hole in his window not like that window would totally fucking blow out if you shot somebody through it kind of a thing. Yes. Like it's all very carefully like let's try to telegraph what's happening here in like the safest way as possible. Um so they yeah they get on the road again. of like, there's a bullshit scene where Jack Lemmon's lamenting, like, oh, man, 80 million, 80 million people didn't like me. I'm like, dude, you are a fucking president, man.

Get over that immediately. Like any of them ever think that. It's always like, oh, you know, every president who's ever been voted out of office is like, fuck those people. Every single one of them. 80 people didn't vote for me, and I'm almost all out of my adrenachrome. No.

Around here is when we get the Did you ever make lyrics to the Hail to the Chief song? Oh, right. This was another thing. I straight up remembered them talking about this. And it's a weird, like, because James Gunner's like, I fucking hate that song. I even made up words to it. And he tricks Jack Lemon, because Jack Lemon's like, oh, I did too.

And he tricks Jack Lemon into singing it. And it's like, Hail to the Chief. He's the Chief. And he needs hailing. And I got to tell you when he started singing that. movie it just whoosh just rushing back to me man unbelievable how many times I've

seen this fucking movie. That's the thing is not only have I seen this movie a lot I've seen the trailer to this movie a lot too. Interesting. And all those are big like the hail to the Jeefeas the Jeefeas and that's like from the trailer that was a big line. That that's funny because that

does not seem like a trailer line to me at all. I remember that clear as day. Well you know it's not a trailer line in this movie is Jack Lemon talking about wet dreams for 15 oh yeah this reminds me at the time I came in my pants as a child he's like oh did you ever have Rita's pizza and it's like well no

oh yeah it's great it's like a wet dream with crust and I'm like ew ew yeah yeah no you're right Steve because they're also talking about like things they miss most from the office and president they're like oh yeah Rita the chef was great oh do you ever have her pizza

oh it's fucking comtreless and like James Carter has to be like ew I don't want to hear about your wet dreams. Like, what? You never had a wet dream before? And I'm like, can we stop you fucking geriatric cretons?

This is the one where I'm sure they had to change the dialogue from the Mathau version because you know Matho would be like, oh yeah, oh God, I came like a bucket when I had that pizza.

You know, Steve, I have to say, though, I have sneaking suspicion that if it was Jack Lemon, Walter Mathau, and I don't know, Sophia Loren was floating around, whoever,

no, Anne Margaret in that movie. Yeah, Sophia Lorenz is... You'd be totally fine. Grumpy old men, too. is Sophia Lauren. Oh, she is in Grumpy Role. Yes. Yes. She's opening an Italian restaurant. Oh, that's

fucking right. In place of the bait shop? And then it becomes a bait shop in its own right. If you know what I'm learned. Listen, you get me these two old fuckers ice fishing. Maybe we've got a movie. Is Anne Marker in both of those movies? She's like the object of desire in the first

one. And then I think I think Lemon gets her at the end of it. I'm not Right, she's conquered, and then we need another woman to conquer. Oh, great. Thanks a lot for those script demands, Jack. Now I have to go after the Italian in the sequel. Wait, hold on. I got to drive my son Kevin Pollack to Home Depot to get his step ladder.

He's going to fuck Daryl Hannah. Wait, you're telling me I have to romance an Italian. Well, chow. Chow! that is a fucking dad joke if I've ever heard one dude way to go um so like that's all nothing they kind of they're back on the road again they go to a fucking used car place it's another like oh my god you're the president uh they go they get a car they're on the road this is when like um you get uh james garner taking a shit in a stall that's fun

oh yes this was a leon macarena reprise yes yes he's second time use macarena and like jack lemon is doing like stunt driving at this point dude it is fucking ridiculous the stunt driving that he's doing in this movie it's like you didn't see this coming they go it's like a budget rental car place or whatever and they just get this little like shitbox car because the other thing is like they don't have any money on them and i guess the idea is they're not going to use credit cards because they could be tracked is that the idea because no one's mentioning credit cards in this movie at all it would be great if someone mentioned that because i think that's what's going on but no one ever mentions why they're not

but yeah it's like they rent this car after uh jack lemon totally spits in the face of this generous diner owner yeah who's like jack lemon goes in his go how much is that piece of pie and he's like oh a dollar 50 or something like all the prices in this movie are like shockingly low which was weird to me it's right even it's right when corporate america was cutting our throat as a society like it was just starting yep and uh you know the he's like oh well that's a a little too rich for my blood. Thanks, anyway. And the guy is nice enough to be like, oh, here, it's on the house. And he says, no.

And the guy's like, no, you know, I mean, I insist. It's on the house. Take it. And then James Garner runs in. He's like, hey, we got to get to the rental car place. And he's like, all right, fine. Totally leaves this piece of pie there, totally spits in this entrepreneur. You're also missing the point where he says,

the old man who's running the diner calls him old man. Yes. And he gets this big reflective moment because this 78 year old, Didn't realize he's fucking old. I know. He looks in the mirror. He's like, old man. Oh.

Wait, hold on. I made two movies called grumpy old men already. I thought I was on my way to surf the big one in California. Like, come on. You're Jack Lemon. You were in the apartment with the fucking look in the mirror. I might be old now. I really did.

I was expecting him to take the pie and like put it in his pocket to go. Like, if you're making a comedy, do something funny. Let these guys be funny. Yeah, I mean, that'd be fun. I've seen people at film form be more funnish, funny, like, oafish, old man buffoonish than this. 100%. Oh, you know, the funniest part of this movie is right around here. We cut back to Washington for a moment, and it's Dan Akra jogging.

He's jogging around the reflecting pool with Bradley Whitford and Co. It's another thing, I believe this was a big Clinton thing. Yes, yes. This definitely felt like a cool. S&L always made fun of this. But I'm confused here. How do you get Dan Aykroy to actually jog without a stick and a brick of cocaine to his back that arches over in front of him that he can't quite get to?

That's true. It's there. You just can't see it. Ah, it's great. It's a dude just out off frame in like a fucking buggy running ahead of them and he's holding it out in front of him. Industrial Light and Magic removed it in post. I do love also, like, you know, Bradley Woodford's like, oh, you got to wear this hat when you jog. And he's like, he's like a Laker's hat. Why do we need that? He's like, well, you know, you need L.A.

And I'm like, you need L.A. for the election? Like, what? So is California a toss up? He's a Republican. I don't get what that is. Yeah. I guess because of his wildfire thing or something. It sounds very precedent today. It's just sort of, to me, it's like, you know, all we ever cared about in the last fucking 20 years is how the fuck Florida. to vote. So it was very odd to hear anything else. Yeah. Yeah, you're totally right. It's also weird too because he's like, he says something like, I'm a San Antonio fan or Houston

fan, I think he says or whatever. But it's like, can you imagine if a president was just like you know, like Obama was famously like a White Sox fan kind of do you imagine if a president was just like front runnering or what, you know what I mean? Just like wearing rando sports hats

like that. Let's go Lakers. Yeah, like if you're not making an at the stadium kind of a thing you know what I mean like every president you know has to pretend for an evening that they're a nationals fan right when no one actually except for Trump because they fucking

right he he famously did not do that they didn't ask him or something he didn't want to do the pitch because he would look like a buffoon and then he lied about like we're getting something together with the Yankees and then the Yankees were like but fucking New York hates you know I think everybody would have taken

it he just he would he would have fucked it up. You just know he would have fucked it up. I'm not going to... Oh, yeah, his fucking head would have fallen off or something. I'm not going to throw out a pitch unless the catcher is Ivanka, if you know what I'm saying. Oh my God. Oh, man. Right down

here, Daddy. Right down here. Right down here. I'm in home plate. Oh, my God. And then he fucking has the tiny little balls of his to fucking make fun of Fauci's pitching ability to see that recently. That was the thing. It was just like, dude,

again everything you say at someone is just really about you being bad at the thing oh my fucking god he would have gone out on that pitching mound and thrown a fucking spiral to somebody like that's how it would have gone it wouldn't have he would have he would have thrown the baseball into his own balls i'm going to go that is an idea i'm going to throw the peekskin to the catcher here we go oh my god i'm in trouble oh no stormy daniels has a map to this region get it we're going to fix this there is a funny thing in this when they're in the car race here

where they hit because Jack Lemmon's insane driving they run over like a snowman thing and I had this was I think this may have been in the trailer Chris but it was a very visceral memory for me of the carrot nose coming through the window

and almost murdering James Garner and I think it's because we're so close to having watched Final Destination 2 over the last few weeks that when that happened I literally gasped. There's also, we should bring up now, there's more than a few jokes in this movie where the punchline is

maybe you're gay. To have a big phallic thing right in his face like that, it just kind of moves. It moves with the whole movie, is what I'm saying. Yeah, I guess it goes with the rest of it. But speaking of which I'm sorry, it would be great if like, you know, this whole scene ends and like, Jeff was like,

oh, we gave the slip. Ha, thank God we made it. James Gar, Gar's like, we didn't give him the entire celebrity looks so he's like covered in blood he's like it got me the carrot pierced my heart oh my god that'd be fucking hilarious dude we're now down one president

we have a president down so they they are running from these dudes and there's a parade happening they get in on the parade I've never seen this movie I swear to God I've never seen this movie the second they see a parade I saw this joke coming one mile away

absolutely it is the the West Virginia a gay pride parade. But so they're marching in this thing, and they march next to a guy who's dressed up. It's like a marching band of dudes dressed up as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. It's your classic, like, it's your mid-90s,

and I'm looking at you friends, where the punchline, it's not like gay people are doing funny or gay people are acting silly. It's a gay people, even existing, is a punchline in and of itself. Right, and it's sort of like... You say the word gay, and that's the joke. Yes.

Absolutely. And it's like, it's weird because it doesn't matter that Garner and Lemon's reactions aren't what you assume they're going to be which is like vomiting or whatever because like the joke that they've made that they think they're making is just like the existence

of these people. Later on when they get a ride from lesbians, Jack Lemons you know if I could if I could stand if I could jump on the back of a motorcycle with a lesbian I could do this and I'm like that's not a joke really

like it's just the word lesbian. I mean that was the democratic opinion of the gay community at the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your people. Just let us keep the jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, your people. But let us have the jokes. Speaking of jokes, the name they give the women who draw, I'm not even going to say. Yeah, yeah, it's just not worth it. It's on bikes, man. Yes, yes, you can fill it in at home.

It rhymes. Have about that. It rhymes. It's a thing that some can say, but the four on the show cannot. And it's just like, I can't, like, because I think the joke is, Steve. if I can ride 300 miles on the back of a motorcycle with my arms around a lesbian's midsection, I can do whatever the fuck it is. The other thing, that's the fucked up the line is if they can protect me for that long,

I don't know why they aren't in armed services. That's it. Oh, yeah, he's like, I might change my position on gays of the military. Right. Those girls could do something else, you know, like that kind of thing. Which is like, oh, I'm so glad you're changing your opinion. person who's no longer present. Yes, I've decided that gay people can

die for our country. As long as they die. That's all I really, yeah. I just love the whole thing. It's like, oh, I'm out of touch politician, and I met one gay person, and I realized, hey, gay people are people. That's what this whole movie is, too. I mean, we skipped over it. It doesn't matter because I don't want to go back

because it should be against the law to spend two hours talking about my fellow Americans. I guess what, dude, we're breaking the law. Bring me in. Bring me in. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. Let's talk about toilets again. But again, somebody is online trying to fucking vote, and it's going to take them at least three hours.

So you got to give them... I'm just saying, for the sake of the conversation, it doesn't make sense to go back to this bar. But there's also the whole thing where they meet that fucking homeless family who's living in their car. They point out, like, we lost our jobs because of this policy,

of yours, Jack Lemon. And, oh, by the way, James Garner, we lost our house because of, you know, your economic downturn, which is a weird thing because, like, the thing that she points out Jack Lemon about, It's like a thing that he had a control over, but like, she refers to it as James Garner's economic downturn. Yes.

I don't know how fair it is to blame that on him. This is back in the 90s when you thought presidents were mystics that were in communication with the grand economy up in the sky. People still believe that. Hey, FYI, pal, yeah. There's a bunch of fucking people you are obsessed with. The QAnon people believe all that now. It's nuts. He's just a great mystic that's fucking speaking to everybody.

Because Gardner is like kind of a Clinton stand in and they're talking about his recession. So I guess I would put him at HW timeline. It is also weird because the way this all sorts of happens is they're done. It's a long series of misadventions of these people. But they start like just getting presidential facts wrong, like massively wrong. Like that. Embarrassed, not even presidential facts. Dude, this motherfucker who I believe this is the guy who plays the dude's landlord.

Yes, he does. which is great because he's doing a completely different voice here. Love this guy. He refers to Mount Rushmore as the greatest man-made creation or like natural creation or whatever. Like nature's greatest

creation. James Garner's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Well, this is the thing is it's presaging like the crazy Q&O and the Trump people. You have to be like, great job. You're totally wrong, but you might be right. I don't know. A lot of people are saying a lot of different things. People could be totally

wrong, that's fine. Well, the thing is it was a great natural wonder until we put presidents on it. Right, exactly. It was a great thing that indigenous people, you know, laid claim to, and then we fucking destroyed it. And, you know, that's the thing, dude. I

whatever, I couldn't give less of a shit about fucking Mount Rushmore if I tried. And there's a lot of people that, like, love that. I think it's like this great, you know, like, patriotic landmark or whatever. I don't know, man. Mount Rushmore can kind of suck it. Dude, here's the thing, just if you can, if you just, it wouldn't even take that much money.

You just fudge with Teddy Roosevelt just enough, so it looks like Wilford Brimley, I'll go. I'll go. Yep. Here's the thing. If I'm driving through South Dakota or where, sure. It's South. It's in South Dakota, yep. I'll stop by because what else you got?

Oh, man. I mean, here's. I mean, I'll check it out, but I'm not like, oh, my God, and now they want to take down Mount Rushmore. Like, do it. I have a great bargain here. We give Trump, we completely rub out all the faces on the fuck about Rushmore and make it just Trump. Just make it only Trump. And then he, but him and the rest of his family cannot be on TV or in papers or magazines ever again, ever again.

That's a good one, I think. It's a real monkey's paw. Come on, just a big stupid face and rock versus. never having to hear about these people again. Beautiful. But here's the thing, though, dude. Like, who gets to agree to this? Because those motherfuckers won't agree to that. Are you kidding me communing with the mystics once again?

Right. But I mean, here's the thing. And this is where they're going to get you, Chris, like the evil gin logic. Yep. Is they're going to talk on TV and magazines now. It's Mount Trumpmore. That's all that's ever there. And then it's not technically them.

It's not technically them. And then he turns into a rock monster that can like lift himself out of the thing. and then I know, Chris, because I feed a little note into Trump's mouth and then he awakens at night and then does my bidding. Thing ring, do your thing.

So whatever, they, blah, blah, blah. They wind up at Jack Lemons Presidential Library and that's sort of so. That's where they find this ledger and it has been fucked with, uh-oh, this thing we've spent an hour in the movie on has come to nothing.

I couldn't believe. I couldn't believe it because that's all it oh once we find that legend we'll fucking put them all down blah blah blah did we mention that like his his his records at the white house or whatever said that he did meet with james rebhorn at a certain time yeah it's like they got you dead to rights on olympia and then they go here to see find like oh no my i'm a weird old man and i care about cheese sandwiches and every cheese sandwich is written in the book and says who it was served to and they get there and it's like, yeah, you and James Redbourne ate some fucking cheese sandwiches together.

It's a weird, they build on the joke of his, like, famous cheapness. And that's where he comes up with the idea because he's like, I was so cheap that I made the White House kitchen take note of every single dish that they made for every single meal and mark who ate what. Which I don't know how that plays into his cheapness,

but that's the plot. advice that they're using. The great twist would be if this keeps them going all the way to the end where they're back at the White House and it turns out that fucking Jack Lemon did do all this shit. Oh yes. And he just forgot about it because he's an old fucking man.

Shit, dude, that's a great twist actually. And then like, he's just like, I'm evil. I'm evil. Strike me down. It's so weird with older presidents, we never ever think about senility ever. In any context. We just never, we could never bring ourselves to think about it. Not at all.

And nor will we. Let me turn the page on history. They, they want, the funny part about the end of this movie or the middle end of this movie is everyone lives in Ohio for some reason. They're like, oh shit, the ledger didn't work out. Well, let's go squeeze Bradley Whitford. He lives in Ohio for some reason. Does he? Yes.

Is that the idea? They go to, they're in Ohio. No, no, no. Jack Lemon mentions actually fucking down to the neighborhood of Chevy Chase in, in, oh, that's right. He says he lives in Chevy Chase, Maryland. He went there one time. So they go to Maryland after this. Okay.

But Steve, you are correct that everyone who matters lives in Ohio because guess what, folks? That's another one of the states we like. It's Ohio and Florida. Boat. Wilford Brimley probably moved there. Well, you know, I had a lot of choices, but I just liked the comedian.

So I decided to move here. Oh, yeah. I like that old base season. is what I like. Oh yeah dude now we're talking but so they yeah because the security guard at the presidential library somehow it doesn't matter

makes them realize that Bradley Whitford is crooked they go to Bradley Whitford's house where he is fucking going downtown on some lady yes I did not I did not remember this from my fellow Americans I didn't see it coming did not see it coming hail to the chef am I right

Jack Lemmon's cookbooking yeah yes that's right President Clinton, I'm sorry, the White House kitchen staff will make you any meal you want, but they won't do that. I will make any meal you want, but I won't cook that.

Excuse me, pretty later. This vagina's getting cold. Oh, God damn it all. President says he wants Wap for dinner. I don't know what that. What is Wap? Is that like a... Did you pass the Wap dressing in this way? Is that a fish in Nor? Orway or something? I don't know. Whap.

Like so many times on the history of this show, I wish I was dead. So yeah, Garner puts a gun to his head. He's like, I think, I hope it's your head. Oh, yeah. Oh, yep. Which I guess, okay, like maybe he thinks they interrupted 69ing. They bring him to Wilford Brimley's house

and Wilford Brimley turns into his character from the firm, apparently. Like this fucking, like, fucking pipe-hitting motherfucker that's going to fucking really put the screws to Whitford. It's amazing. It is, he does have here, though, one of the greatest lines of the movie where, uh, it's Garner being like, oh, hey, you know, Wilford Brimley, let us in. You know, we got something to show you. And he goes, is that President Kramer holding a gun on a naked guy in a blindfold? Well, yes, it is. Yes, it is Joe. All right, just checking. Come on in.

God damn. You said the firm guy, this to be, I was like, this is this like recreating the Seinfeld scene? Yes. Oh, when he's the postmaster general. Well, isn't that a joke on the firm? Isn't that the gag? I think it's supposed to be, right? Is it? Oh, yeah, I guess it must be, yeah.

So, you know, they take him in to use Wilford Brimley's fucking CIA tactics here. They've got Bradley Whitford tied up in a barn, I think, is what we're in now on Wilford Brimley's property. And this is crazy right here. I couldn't believe it. I had to rewind it and put the subtitles on to make sure. sure, but the whole thing is they've got Bradley Whitford blindfolded, and Wilford Brimley's like, all right, we're going to inject you with something here. God damn what, you'll start talking. And he's doing the whole, swabbing the arm and all of that stuff. And he's like,

now I've got to try to find a vein. Let's see, where's a vein? I can find his arm. He's like hitting his arm, you know, and then he goes, well, oh, here it is, the little beggar. That's what he fucking calls that rabbit the E-Wox movie. That's just, that's a brimleyism. You know it is. You little beggar. What a weird thing to say. Yeah, I mean, he's saying it everywhere. I think he's like, when he finds his keys that he's lost, oh, hey, there you're right.

Yep. No, I think you're right, but it's weird because that means it's Wilford Brimley taking this script for a walk. Oh, yeah, he's like a Seth Rogen in a lot of ways. Really? Love smoking weed. Look good in facial hair. Yeah, housekeeper.

Yeah. Can you come up here with a couple of plunger? But I got a couple of beggars stuck in my beggars. came there, if you know what I mean? No, I don't, but we'll be right up. Beggers Canyon. Honey, you're going to have to give me a little bit before we start up again. I just beggared.

Got to get my beggars going here. Sorry, I beggared so early there. Oh, my beggars can't be chooses. Bigger. Oh, man, so Whitford comes clean the second. It's actually, Wilford Brimbley, like, sticks him with a needle, and he's like, no, no, I'll talk, I'll talk. He gives up the whole game. And so they come up with this plan of like, we're going to go, we're going to call fucking seal award. We're going to go to the press, yada, yada. And then James Garner's like, wait a second, if we fucking do that, it's just going to get swept under the rug, you know, like the top brass are going to go scot-free again. And he just makes this decision that he's got to like finally stand up for the American people. I was like, you were president for four years, dude. Okay. And it's like, yeah, you know, for all those people that we, we've fucked, we met on this trip, we got to do it.

It's like, we're going to Washington. Ciel Award, get out of this movie. And they go to Washington and they have to, they sneak into the White House via Rita, played by, what's her, Esther roll. The great Esther role. Oh, surprise. Florida herself, right? RIP, she passed away sometime ago, I think, at this point. Yeah, she's like the chef that they both had.

And she sneaks them into the White House. via, she said, she said, what, do a farmer's market? Yes, which is like, and again, I know everybody, I know we're talking about a mid-90s studio comedy, so this doesn't matter, but like, it's ridiculous that this woman could drive up in her fucking, uh, National Lampoon's Vacation Station Wagon and just be like, yeah, I was at the farmer's market and just drive right in without inspection. Yeah, the back seat is just like two giant tarps. It's just like, oh, that's just the farm.

Hey, Rita, what do you have under the tarps there? You got watermelons? A bunch of watermelons? I bought the farm. It's all the farmer's market. Go right in. Oh, no. She, oh, you go.

I was just going to say Esterrol passed away in 1998. It was two years after this movie. Yeah, but she was an older lady there at that point. That's true. What were you saying? Steve's sorry. I just, it's a bad joke about her getting double teamed by the president. So, you know, let's just not even do it.

Sure, let's put this car and drive and go right up to the White House then. Well, that's exactly. Well, I'm going to have a threesome with two ex-presidents. Well, right ahead, Rita. You've worked your 30 years. You've earned your right. So they go in and they're like, how are we going to get up to the Oval? And we see Ann Cusack, is it?

It is, yeah. Which is weird. And so they're sneaking around the White House while, like, Everett McGill is hunting them down. And, like, ladies and gentlemen, people just can't run through the White House. No, they cannot. Well, the idea is, like, they'll give a tour. And, like, the weirdest part is, like, they're giving a tour with all these people that, oh, my God, it's presidents.

It's these two presidents. It's like, yeah, well, I'll give you a quicker tour. And, blah, blah, blah. And, like, meanwhile, Everett McGill meets up with another Secret Service. An NSA guy, they're like, they're in the way. I say, no, no, it's fine. The crash site is still secure. We'll just say that they crashed, and that's what happened.

We'll just change the time of the crash. These people see them. Like, and QSex, is the idea you're going to kill all these people, Everett McGill? The idea is these two guys later on that night are involved in the crash. Well, no, but because later, like, in like minutes later, they announced via the press that they were killed. That's, yeah. At the start, at the start of this whole shenanigans, Everett McGill says to a Secret Service guy or whoever, like, don't worry about it. We'll just change the timeline.

I think it's before he knows that they're like been seen by people but then yeah later it's like they announce like oh that the helicopter this is all in the span of like 15 minutes at the end of this movie and they're like oh it went down and then it's like well no dude now they've definitely been seen by

no no no and Cusack that was just Dana Carve in Phil Hartman they were coming to do an event for the president today that would be the workaround but I cannot believe that us as four podcasters could know a better way to kill presidents than the deep state. Yeah. Paffoons, all of them. Well, the thing is, the problem with the last

act of this movie, Everett McGill needs to give up the ghost at some point. He has been thwarted a couple of times, and he wants to just kill these fucking presidents. So, I mean, he does eventually confront them in James Gardner's sex tunnels. Oh, right, because they lock themselves

in a guest bedroom, and then it's like, oh, the Kennedy door. Here we go. To be fair, they're not James Garner's sex stares. or sex broom. It's Kennedy's. He just had it refit. Well, yeah. He used it for sure. I mean, he mentions that he stooped a few ladies down there. Which is so weird. The funniest thing about like this Kennedy door, you know, such as it is, like when they come out the other side of it, it's just like on the street right in front of the white house. Like anybody would see John Kennedy coming out

of that thing. What does he? No, I'm just an Irish businessman. here I am I'm selling my wares in front of the White House I think the idea is the cocktail waitress goes in and then gets into that bedroom you can see yourself out

right which is again you're totally right but like still it's a door that's opening right in front of the White House like people would still see it I mean it's the script trick for everything like even like murder at 1600 it's like a weird way

you get in. And it's always the Kennedy tunnel. It's always like the fuck tunnel. It can't be just like, oh yeah, we just have a secret pathway for the president because it's the president. JFK was down there digging tunnels. I get that, you know, he was a famous philanderer.

Or fuck Marilyn Monroe, that whole thing. That's totally fine. But for just once, in one of these presidential related movies, I would love for someone to be like, oh yeah, that secret compartment over there. That's what Gerald Ford used to have hookers come in

and they blew him constantly. Like, it's always Kennedy, but it's like, come on, other people are getting sucked off. Yeah, subvert expectation with that. Yeah, that's the Andrew Jackson door. He used to get pegged constantly. Oh, my God. There is a total 96 joke in

these tunnels where, like James Gardner, I think, says that, like, oh, this Tanner guy, Everett McGill, who's after us is such a psychotic lunatic. Why is he in the NSA? You should be in the post office. office. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's about as 90s as it can get, huh? Yeah. I just wiped sweat off my brow from that joke. There's a great thing that like they, they dodge Everett McGill in the tunnel

because Jack Lemon is holding a rapier that he got from somewhere and he slices Everett McGill's hand and then James Garner punches him out and his head like hits a pipe or something. It's pretty great. Yeah, it's killed your friend Charlie Reynolds. You got to tick this guy's heart out. You're a president. You could do that. You could, yeah, you definitely. kill with impunity. But he got the sword when they open up the passageway because it was wallpapered over. Oh, sure. That's

right. There is the great line here where James Garnick goes, what am I, fucking MacGyver? There's that and there's also like, oh, I almost, I think, um, what do you call their lemons? Like, oh, geez, I almost fell down the stairs like Gerald Ford. Remember a Senate live? Oh, that's right. Yeah, if we had Jerry Ford with us, he'd be tumbling

a, you know, yeah, you're totally right. That's, see, that's the thing, right? It's like, Kennedy gets a fuck tunnel, and Ford's just falling down the stairs because Chevy Chase did it. God damn it. Well, actually, I was finger-banging in these tunnels too. They used to call my fingers little peanuts. You don't know where these little peanuts go get. Oh, now I used my little fingers to build houses, but back then I was fingering everybody. I put on some almond brothers and just start figuring. They used to call them that Fist Carter. Welcome back to the White House, President Fist Carter.

I mean, if you were going to have a badass president, I feel like that's a good one. Fist Carter. All right, I got to make sure that my little peanuts have all the little peanut fingernails cut. You know. It's not cheating if I'm fingering. That's all I'm saying. One day I was fingering with my little peanut fingers, and I realized each five fingers of these little peanuts can come together and make one giant nut. Fisk Carter.

Got a little comb on my peanuts here. Now that's salty peanuts. Oh, my God. That Reagan campaign really roasted my nuts. Oh, God. Well, I just don't, I don't think America wants somebody that's a fist Carter, is all I'll say. You know, I had some. There you go again, trying to fist some waitress.

You know, I had some of Carter's peanuts are kind of gummy. Oh, he's not a peanut farmer. He's a circus peanut farmer. right mommy and then landslide based on circus peanut yeah exactly landslide new comedian in the white house that was fucking hilarious he won he won california um so whatever they're on horses right here and cut to some of the absolute worst special effects you've ever seen in your life cut to funeral like fucking these two guys on horseback running through the fucking they're dead they're dead they're dead they're dead

It's pretty ridiculous, but I mean, when you're looking at this, like, the shot of the two of them that are supposed to be, like, you face forward coming at the camera on horseback, it's stunt doubles, and they've just CGIed the actor's faces onto these other guys' faces. It is unsettling. It's bad. And, like, it's bad when you see them, like, coming front, like, it's a tight one. But it's even worse when you get the snipers come in. And, yes. Through the sniper scope, it's like, it is jib jibs. Total jib jabs, like, just like, head turned almost all the way around.

Well, some of the sniper stuff is also, like, stunt double town, like nobody's business. Meanwhile, Everett McGill is talking to, so he's like, there are two men on the White House that look exactly like the ex-presidents. Shoot them on site. And, like, this guy's like, I don't know, they look exactly like the ex-presidents. You're sure he's like, no, they're imposters. Just shoot and murder them. And they're like, well, he's starting to shoot and murder. I'm going, all right, I guess what he's saying to do that.

And don't you work for the NSA, sir? What are you doing telling the secret service? No, no, no, shoot those impostors. They're Martians, I guess. Okay. And then, like, while this is all happening, Dan Aykroyd is on the South Lawn giving some speech about the Netherlands contributions to the World War II effort.

Okay. Which, okay, that's happening. And so, like, it all comes down to whether or not this sniper is going to fucking shoot this dude. And then, like, we, I didn't piece this. together because I wasn't paying attention, but the guy looks and he sees something sticking out of James Garner's pocket

and he realizes that Ever McGill's lying and they find Ever McGill this dude fucking shoots him dead and just goes, it's the worst delivery in the movie. Those are the presidents. While Dan Eckhart's giving the speech, it's about like the, you know, the

contributions to it was like, it was about democracy and their writing. It was about honesty and their riding and I'm like this movie doesn't need any of this. No. No, absolutely not. Especially since I've been told just recently that Lemon shit himself while doing all this. Oh yeah. There's I unloaded in my pants joke at one point.

There's also like a like they get off the horses and he's like can we go back there? When this is over with can we go back there and look for my balls? No, they're bust. They're busted buddy. They're So they wind up, they meet the guy, the sniper, and then they realized, oh, it was one of the, the Dorothy that met them that was really friendly. I met you over the rainbow. And I'm like, ah, ha, ha, ha. So this guy was in the gay pride parade in West Virginia.

And now he's a sniper on the roof of the White House. You do the math. Yep. Just he wanted, maybe his boyfriend lives out there, Eric. I don't know. I guess I have to do this mental math for some stupid reason. Yep. when the sniper first meets him at the parade he says oh my lord and taylor oh you know that's just a fun

little i just that's just a fun it's very good that's a joke you would find on friends caroline in the series guys hold on i'm going to open a window yeah air it out eric there i mean and this is when the movie takes way too long where it's first it's dan it's like oh my god that they dressed down dan acrood for 20 minutes about the fucking sanctity of the office and he like tries to weasel his way out of it and they're like no no no you have to blah blah you have to resign that's it or else you're going to bring it in the whole office

he does resign by faking some like heart story or something which was funny and imagine a president that was facing impeachment and he resigned that'd be cool well you know you know what finally forced Richard Nixon to resign was everybody else in his party went up to him and said hey man

when this shit blows sky high we're not going to defend you in a impeachment trial. So that was, you know, back then, you had some motherfuckers walking around with spines and whatnot. Remember balls we talked about a lot on this episode? We need them. You need guts. Guts and balls

in every fun part. So bring them back. That's the end of the movie or it should, but then there's this like fucking villain turn from John Byrd and I'm like... Absolutely unnecessary. It's like nobody cared about this character. Like he had a couple of funny, silly little lines as Dan

Quill joke and like it was like I'm actually the mastermind of all this and blah blah I think like Gardner figures like who's standing in a better John heard the vice president and he's like you finally figured it out and I'm like what what there's also around there a weird Newt Gingrich joke possibly oh yeah that's right yeah because they're like well Dan Aykroyd resigned and then they're joking like oh man and now president Matthews Jesus we should get that guy out of there and then they're like well no actually you know as the 25th Amendment states

then it would fall to the Speaker of the House and they both go and I was like was that a new joke I mean fine because fuck that turd I guess so because he's not a character of the movie if he's not like we don't know that's the thing that's what made me think of it actually

so then they're like wait a minute President Matthews and they like you know they confront John Hurd like he's like he's getting ready to address the nation or whatever and he admits to the whole thing and it's a whole like we're just going to really

hammer home how stupid he is because he's like if you ask me this whole thing's been a real coop and they're like what and then he goes it was all just a big facade and you're like yeah right everybody if those credits if those credits could get ready to enter the Oval Office any second at any time please

but I do appreciate we get to see a future shot of John Hurd in prison in prison orange being led through this thing and it former president arrested after office and it's like fingers crossed yep absolutely because because garner taped the conversation they had so he had evidence against him oh right yeah but they hold off on it and it actually wasn't the crimes they got put in jail it's saying faked i would believe it chris because i don't think i don't i don't i seriously

I don't think any past or future or former, whatever president will ever be held to any type of standard whatsoever. Fantasy. You might as well believe in fucking Ned Stark. Get the fuck out of here. Never happened. I agree. First of all, I do believe in Ned Stark. I bet you do. I don't, but I don't

believe that will happen. Ever. So, you know, whatever. They're driving home in their respective limousines and everything and the Secret Service agent that's assigned to James Garner is like, you guys did it all. It was so patriotic. You did everything

you could to help protect this country. And James Garner looks at the little compass that he'd been given by Michael Pena. And he's like, well, you know what, Jack? Not everything. And then it's like, we just cut to this dumb-ass ending where the two of them decide that they're going to run for president

on the same ticket and we're kvetching about who's going to announce because Jack Lemon's like, now just let me be clear about this, right? You're going to announce me as president. You're the VP, right? Because they're both 200 years old. They're doing it on the back of a train, like FDR.

And they're running as very important guys. They're running as independence. Because you know what? These Democrats and Republicans are the exact same thing. And they squabble too much. If you ask me, they squabble a bit too much. I think you're right there, Steve. But I do think James Gardner should be on the top of the ticket because he was the one that actually defeated Kramer, Jack Lemon's character.

Exactly. It's just the whole. notion of like two ex-presidents running for president again it's just bombs it's like Obama Bush ticket right now on the independent line yeah right

exactly Nancy Pelosi would put a gun to Obama's head and say good morning Sunday morning and pull the trigger well Chris that oh yeah LOL dude her fucking getting off her ass to do anything what are you crazy there's fucking science fiction stole the words right out of my mouth Andrew the fuck she would never do fucking

shit yeah oh what Kevin she's going to fucking pull out all the arrows in her quiver. Oh, no, yeah. She didn't help get everybody to drop out. No, that definitely didn't help any of them. Okay, maybe she was involved in that, but man, did she stall that fucking Supreme Court justice, didn't she?

Stalled it like a bad car. Here's the thing. Everyone was afraid of getting the McConnell virus, so they wanted to get out as soon as possible. Whatever that is. When you, apparently your body turns into black hell ash or whatever's going on. Dude, he looks like a villain in Constantine. I don't know what the fuck's

going on with that guy. I order my buddy John Constantine a favor. Oh, Lord, now I'm beating eating by pigs. Gavin Rostell, can you give me another year? Please, give me another year.

Oh, my dogmaster, Gavin Rostale. Give me that glycerine. I want one of your machine heads. Please don't put me inside the razor blade suitcase. Oh, all of that would be

great. You know, Mitch McConnell, finger-looking good. Oh, man, yeah. Oh, that sucks. Oh, you know, Gavin Rossdale's a couple of greedy flies circling my head. I think they're going to come and get me. The donor class.

Watch out, Kevin Rossdale. I sure don't want to come back down from this cloud. Listen, I don't... Oh, no, I've got nothing. Damn it. Oh, no, you're mixing them up with Silverchair?

Very possible. Are we going to the neon ballroom? Yeah, there you know. That's the thing that... I don't know what this movie is trying to say. And it could be fine if it's just saying nothing. But is it trying to say something here or not? I don't know.

I think it's that West Wing garbage where it's like, you know, if everyone could just get out of the way with their idealisms and or ideas at all, two fucking middle milk toast people can really run this country I guess is the idea that's my that's my that's my that's my guess two people that everybody considers old losers at this point yeah yeah that makes sense it makes a lot of sense what timeline would you rather live in though this universe or the my fellow Americans universe my fellow Americans for sure yeah okay thanks I guess I have to yeah I guess the thing though is like the movie doesn't say whether or not this venture actually wins them the president's Is it funny if they fucking lost in a landslide? They probably would. I mean, because you said, I mean, Andrew, you had said it's like Bush and, what do you call it? Bush and Obama running together.

I don't think so. It's more like, I don't know, it's like dull and fucking, you know, maybe Carter. Like, it's just like two people who are one-term losers. It's H.W. and Carter. That's who it would be. Yes, exactly. That's why they would definitely be defeated. Lemon and fucking Garner would definitely be defeated because who's running against them.

That's right. President Defoe. Hello, everybody, and welcome with my Vice President James Gandalfini. Ooh. Dude, a Defoe Gandovini ticket? And I also like in this universe, James Gandalfini is alive,

thus making it the more superior universe. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. You're totally right there, man. We could use that guy right now. I'll tell you what. Fuck, well, that's the end of this movie. Would anybody recommend this motion picture,

Steve Sadek on Election Day? We're doing this show here. What do you have to say about my fellow Americans? I would not recommend it. I think it just, I mean, look, I think I might be in a minority here just because I'm, I don't have the nostalgic glasses. Again, first and only time I saw it last night. It reminded me a lot of Tommy Boy, and I just kind of wish I was watching Tommy Boy and or, you know, grumpy old men. It is a very regular movie, which I enjoyed.

It's a very, you know, creaky, just kind of like, you can not pay attention to it too much and really kind of still enjoy yourself sort of. Overall, I just don't think the chemistry between Mathau and Lemon work. I think they don't really figure out what their characters are. sharply. I mean Garner. Oh, sorry, yeah, of course. Garner and Matherer. Garner lemon work. I don't think the characters are sharply drawn enough to make the comedy work either.

Chris Cabin? I mean, everything that Steve said is true. You know, and I saw this at 13 years old, and like, you're just a bug person at 13 years old. Like, you're not really a person yet. And like,

therefore, you will want just sugar water. And that's what this is it's just sugar water like it's too sweet uh and then when it decides to get dark it makes no sense but i also have to kind of say you should see it just because i've seen this movie so many fucking times i can't really say no to you checking it out because i as a kid i like my red the the red ass i actually said that to my father once or twice like oh shit and he was like how dare you talk to me like they do in that movie i stole from columbia house did you get that checked out Chris? I did. It was a popple.

Oh, a polyp. Yeah. Oh, a polyp. Yeah, not a popple. My lord, if you had a popple grown on your ass, dude. Jesus Christ. Eric Siska. I feel like it's innocuous enough that I could see it as a good like hangover movie, comedy type of thing to watch in the morning. But otherwise, I actually would not recommend it, despite seeing it when I was a bug person as well, but not as much as you

fellow podcasters. I just found it a little tedious and I think Mathau maybe could have stepped that up for me. So ultimately it's kind of a light no for me. I would definitely say maybe a hangover situation but I just don't think it delivers or at least it didn't deliver as much

as it did in 1997 when I probably watched it on television. Yeah, that's totally fair. I mean, I think at this point after like talking it through with you guys, I mean, to Chris's point, Yeah, I've seen this movie probably 20 times. So I do have that nostalgia for it.

Although, Steve, something you said really rang true, though. And how much this movie feels like Tommy Boy, obviously, Peter Siegel directed both of those movies. But also, funny enough, though, Tommy Boy, another movie featuring Dan Aykroyd in a bad third act. Yes, well, they're trying, they're rushing to get to Dan Aykroyd. That's the craziest part of this old movie. I'm like, this is fucking Tommy Boy. Totally. And I hadn't thought of that.

And no one's ever rushed to Dan Aykroyd. Never. No. Except for fucking Bixby's liquor warehouse in Camden, New Jersey. But yeah, at the same time, you know, I think it's a hangover comedy situation, totally viable here. Again, you know, it's weird. I don't know that it's, they're not gay panic jokes. They're just bad gay jokes that just should not be here.

Those I didn't remember from the movie, and those really kind of stuck out like a, oh, Jesus, okay. although a gay man is the hero of the film in a way so do with that what you will but I think the more you guys talked about like Garner not really being a shoe that fits here I think I do kind of agree with that after all but you know at the same time like we said if it was Mathau it wouldn't really work as like a pseudo

Clinton kind of figure because my God who wants to see that Go on my balls that darling that's what the guy Grand Central said to me but I mean we should mention also just like it is points for Wilford Brimley

in this movie I think Brimley is kind of funny here being weird weird old man CIA guy but it's a 2.5 on the Brimley scale that's the problem out of ten I think because you need more you know more of our buddy here that's actually true but as we continue celebrating Brim's giving

we have a lot of Wilfred Brimley related content coming up. So if you want more we hate movies, of course check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. A lot of bonus content up there. We're going to have a WLM featuring Wilford Brimley in it. Any of the bonus things featuring Brimley

otherwise? Oh, the Gleap Glossary a little bit right, Eric? On the Gleap Glossary, we are talking about Sindel Tawani, which gives us kind of a rehash of the Battle for Endor, which of course Wilford Brimley is Noah in, and we do mention him on that episode. It's already

recorded. It is a lot of fun and I'll be coming out shortly. And the AD is on the Brimley Bears, correct Steve? I think we're going to do an episode of the Ewarks. Yes, we'll do some episode of the EWox and he's not in it, neither is his character, but I'm sure we'll do a bad Wolford of Brimley impression just to stay on theme

guys. But yes, we'll find a way to shoot you horn it in, yeah. Warwick Warwick, Wicked W. W. W. W. W. Damn it. I mean, I hate that they name that EWalk that big of a name. Wicked the EWalk, whatever. Him and D.E. and certain other of those furry bears from Endor are in the Ewok's cartoon.

So it obviously takes place within the same continuity of the EWalk Adventure and the Battle for Endor, which starred Wilford Brimley. And also not Wilford Brimley. And we don't know if his character is going to show up in it, but we are doing the Mandalorian Half Hour has launched already. And we're going through that each and every week as those episodes released on Disney Plus on the $8 level. So you want to get on that because those are awesome.

absolutely Steve good call completely forgot about Mando now as always here on we hate movies the show rolls on next Tuesday we got ourselves a brand new pipe and hot Wilford Brimley related episode Steve what are we talking about next year we are talking about 10 to midnight which is a Charles Bronson joint which I believe our friend Wilford Brimley is in he is indeed and we're going to have a special guest on for that episode too I'm excited and I don't think we mentioned

that we love movies episode this month I mean it might be we like movies. I don't know what the room feels like, but it's the China syndrome. That's right. Michael Douglas and Jane Fonda and Will Ford Brimley himself in that movie. Great pseudo-environmental thriller that I just

watched today and I really love. So that's on WLM next week, 10 to midnight. Charles Bronson. I've never seen it, by the way. I have not seen this movie. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's quite something I'll mention real quick that I was a guest earlier this year on the Kill by

kill podcast and we talked about 10 to midnight. So if you want even more 10 to midnight. There we go, man. So until next week with 10 to midnight, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Siddak. Eric Siskin. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. a hate gum podcast.