We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 526 - Fantasy Island

Episode Date: January 19, 2021

On this week's episode, the gang is chatting about one of the most bat-shit crazy films they've seen in a while, Fantasy Island! Why couldn't we get one movie instead of five different television plot lines stitched together? Doesn't Michael Peña deserve better? Yes! And how outrageous is Rooker's hairdo here? PLUS: We strongly urge you to watch the movie before listening to this episode; it's truly a seeing is believing situation and you won't want to spoil the insanity! Fantasy Island stars Michael Peña, Maggie Q, Lucy Hale, Austin Stowell, Jimmy O. Yang, Portia Doubleday, Ryan Hansen, Michael Rooker, and Marisa Fitz-Henley; directed by Jeff Wadlow. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program it's like lost but dumber it's fantasy island i'm andrew jupin stephen sadak eric cisco chris gabin and we hate movies Hello, everyone to Welcome to We Hey Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, welcome to another week of our worst of the previous year month. That's right. Shit-ass movies and shit-ass

2020 also brought us Fantasy Island, directed by Jeff Wadlow. Wadlow, Paul. Wadlow. The author behind True Thor Dair and Cry Wolf and other

fun game death movies. We get a little Wad music, Paul. La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ba-da-ba-ha. He's a Wadlow. You know, I knew a guy named Wad High once, Paul. Wad High.

Is that the end of the story? Yes, that is. And the number one reason Blumhouse cannot finance a Fantasy Island sequel, Paul. Their Wad was too low. Now you throw that card through a plate glass window. That's right.

Oh, man. Everybody, uh, 35 and younger to ask you, ask your parents about Paul and Dave in the top 10 list. Listen, find your nearest grampy and say, what's David Letterman? Dude, great. Here's a great place to start because I mean, like, we're older than I think probably like maybe 40-ish percent of our audience, 50 percent of our audience, maybe. Okay. Steve, you've been take, you've been, you've been, you've been like tracking these metrics. Dude, I card at the door, man.

I know what's going on. 18 plus. Steve. I card at the door. Definitely a normal thing to say. He buys beer for our fans, too, that are too underage. You know why Steve say that card's at the door? Because it keeps him safe and it keeps you safe.

My question is, you know, I feel this show is, Fantasy Island, the TV series, was too old for us. Which I think is insane in terms of, like, a sort of pop cultural milestone that you're trying to cash in on with teenagers. Obviously this movie is made for like teenagers. And this thing's too old for our old asses which I find very bizarre to me.

Yeah, but like think of it this way, dude. I mean, it wasn't put through a horror movie filter, but like that's kind of what they were doing with that Brady Bunch movie. They should have done a horror. Because that's, if you haven't seen this movie, by the way, I should say I mean, this movie's dumb as dog shit.

But I will say this is one of those rare episodes where if you haven't watched the movie yet, I would recommend you pause the show, check the movie out, and then come back only because, like, the one saving grace of this movie is that you cannot anticipate how dumb it gets. Absolutely. Yes. You cannot guess. You cannot guess where this movie is going to go. The lengths of stupidity that it will go to. And it's in that way kind of a delight. I woke my wife up because I was yelling what so loud watching this the first time.

But Andrew, you mentioned Brady Bunch real quick. They should absolutely do Blumhouse's Brady Bunch and make it a horror angle. Well, that's exactly what I was thinking about, dude. Like, yeah, you bring back all these things like, you know, Blumhouse presents welcome back Cotter, you know? And it's like, it's the same conceit, but like a horror movie. So like Barbarino is a serial killer or something. Sure. Yeah. It's a private school with like weird ancient traditions.

Oh, yep. Cotter is the headmaster. Oh, he would look great in a robe, you know? Yeah, exactly. Something like that. She had more flowing robes on Welcome Back, Cotter. Some pits of fire, you know, baby blood. Let's go. Yeah, a collection of daggers in the classroom. A horse shack is being tortured going, oh, oh, oh, oh, you know.

Ask your grandparents about that. catchphrase. Eli Roth's Carter. Just caught. Now don't go the full one. You know,

to make something really unwatchable, just add Eli Roth's in front of it. Yes. It's true. You had done deal. Here's another thing,

though, just speaking of Blumhouse making all these movies and whatever. Here's the thing, Blumhouse. With this logo, can we just get

to the motion picture that I signed on for a year? No. Oh, I want it to a creepy little house. Welcome to the Blubhouse. Oh, look at his haunted house and there's a scary girl in a fucking chair. Oh, wait, that's not the movie?

No, I hate it. I hate it because I get duped by it every goddamn time. So, I mean, technically it's part of the movie. I mean, this is setting up your feature film and there's, now, does this little girl in this chair? Does that relate to anything? No. No. No, that's not like.

That's the logo that they've had for ages. I know, but it's just like. like, what is the story with this little girl and this chair? Tell me more. It's creepy and it's meaningless. That's what is it, like much like Blumhouse itself. Well, I think that it's, it's a shot from the Blumhouse produced short ghost chair. One of their first ever films they produced was a short called Ghost Chair.

I loved his earlier work with Clint Eastwood. Ask a grampy what that is. I was going to say, speaking of asking people, what jokes. me that's the one thing i guess if if you're gonna like i hate when netflix asked you if you want to skip the credits ask me to skip the blumhouse intro yeah oh my god just give me fucking well it's it's better than some like you know half the movies we watch these days have like 40 production studios that everyone's got to get their their piece but the blum house thing is really excessively long if you're coming up on a minute like your logo should not take a minute to set up

It should just be the creepy crawly chair, and that's fine. It shouldn't be any longer than this is a headgum podcast. Exactly. Exactly right, dude, in and out. Especially when you're trying to make other, like, Blumhouses and Tebellum for one, for one, you know what I mean? Like, it's not exactly where you want to start. No. Did they change that logo up, Steve, for that movie and make it a, like, an 1850s-looking ghosthouse?

I do not believe it. I want to make sure that I got that right. I think they did it end of all them. Didn't they? I forget. I don't know. Hold on here. I'll listen.

I know that I'm pretty certain that I sat behind a very drunk Jason Blum at the Toronto film festival premiere of Halloween. And when the fucking logo, okay, he was very drunk. When the logo came on, he just started cheering. I buy it. He's like woohooing his own logo. I'm incorrect. I'm sorry.

I take that back. Who did Antebellum, though? Good question. Is that Lionscape? Maybe. Don't you love this folks at home? We just like debate what a movie's production. I will say that distributor was both this,

they both Fantasy Island and Truth or Dare have the same like intro with Blumhouse and like that. It's moving forward and moving backward at the same time title. Oh, like tenant. Yes. Running back and same. A temporal pinclair movement. Do you, Steve, do you have the

who made Antibald? It was Lion's Gate now that we're talking about it. There we go. So we could get back to Fantasy Island now. Yeah, I guess. Sure. I mean, the thing is, like, my understanding of what the television show is, was, it was, right, it's Ricardo Montauban

and Hervey Villages as Mr. Roark and Tattoo, and basically every episode started with, like, a new person coming to the island. Almost the the same opening line for every episode was welcome to fantasy island from mr rourke like that was the thing but i you know i'm fairly certain it wasn't like violent things like the the war thing and there's definitely not horror movie stuff there is something i was looking into it there's an

episode about jack one woman's fantasy is she's researching jack the ripper and almost becomes one of his uh murders which is amazing does that mean i have to start watching fantasy i don't think so that's okay that's good half to is pliable there you know most of this movie i thought michael pannia was supposed to be oh he's he's ricardo montalbaum and tattoo like together yeah he's playing mr rourke but he's very short yeah the i mean then that's a thing too like it's one thing if like to your point like if you just want to do that like you know we're just we're buying the house for the studs kind of a thing you know what i'm sure like you Yep.

And just like, we're going to build on this whole thing. But they do so many little callbacks and like the whole tattoo thing. Like, again, who is that for? Because like, again, the 19 year old who's like half on their phone while they're in the theater watching this movie, like, what? You know, here's the thing. It's for I think people like our age and older, you know, either you watch the show, you're familiar with enough to know that Hervey Villash has played a character named tattoo. And I feel like as much as it reads, and we're literally talking about the last like shot of. the movie here but it's fine uh you know making jimmy o yang's character tattoo right but it's like

setting it up for a sequel or see that's the thing i i think it sort of can read like a sequel set up but i feel like they know what they're what they got here and it's kind of just for the people in the theater to be like oh yeah that's as far as it goes dude i don't think it's like we're opening a door for more of these that's your last moment all right yeah exactly it's like this is a movie that you would see in like an afternoon screening on a saturday and then be like okay you'd come out of the theater and go like let's now go do literally anything else also i mean it would function that way if you wanted it to if it was setting up a sequel but of course nobody's going to see this another one of these also don't

they do like three drops of de plain oh my god thank you chris the first line of the movie is Michael Pena, who we find it is his wife, Julia, being like, the plane, the plane. And that was plenty. And then the middle, somebody else is like, oh, look, it's the plane. And then at the end, of course, tattoo has to do it. And it's like, right, right, guys? It is just a lot of people saying the plane, the plane. And it's not just the plane.

It is indeed the plane, the plane. We're saying it twice like Hervey. I realized what my biggest exposure with Fantasy Allen was as a kid. Anyone else watch a Donald Duck's Fantastic Island ad nauseum like I did? No. No. I've heard of this. What is that? It's a... Pornel parody? They kind of did that. Lutie Toons was kind of doing porno parodies in the 80s, which was just based, not really, but like basically repackaged cartoons, make the movies, but the framing structure would be something going on in pop culture. There was Donald Duck's Fantastic Island and Donald Duck's quack busters, Bochieck's. Quackbusters, I remember.

I remember quackbusters. By the way, for the porno angle, I got one, a porking pig. By Ralph Baxi, of course. Porking pig indeed. That's what you call a cop who's fucking. I got another one, butt bunny. There you go. A butt bunny is also pretty good, yeah.

Butteeep, but deep, where's the yayo yo? Anil fud. Anil fud. I like this. That's not bad. Yeah. So instead of, instead of walking around the big gun, he's walking around with a big hard on looking for. Oh, yeah. And he's looking for butt bunny. Yeah, yeah. And suck Vester the, the cat. Oh, yep. There we go. Yeah. Be very, very quiet. I'm twiying to shoot. Oh, buts are out of season. Uh, so this movie, such as it is,

starts with a girl running through the jungle being chased by somebody on the island at night. We don't really know what's going on here. You can barely see who the hell it is. This is the actresses Portia Doubleday. Okay. Mr. Robot fame. Yes. Yes.

She was the lady friend on Mr. Robo. That was I feel that was the thing I recognized her from. And then I also did recall seeing her. Well, I mean, I don't. But I know, because I've seen the movies, I also saw her in the character. remake and the Spike Jones movie Her. She's kind of got a legitimate career kind of

sort of. Yeah, she's in stuff. And she's also in Fantasy Island. She's probably one of the better actresses in this movie for sure. Yeah, I mean, well, this is, it's a weird thing where like they this movie, because we're trying to do like twists and turns and stuff. Like you don't think that she's going to be like one of like the main characters, you know. But the problem with that is like,

like she's way better of an actor than this Lucy Hale who's like essentially kind of like the main character playing Melanie or like one of the main group characters you know and like she is they had a lot of seasons of that pretty little liar I don't know how she was ever put they're trying very hard to make her like a Blumhouse Browns uh Blumhouse brand scream queen yes like they're like she's going to be the new Jamie Lee Curtis and I'm like you are mistaken sir well i mean she was in scream uh four right so i don't like two for two seconds though because i didn't remember that either and we just no it's weird because we had watched all of the scream movies whenever that was like over halloween or something and uh chelsea had to remind me she's

just at the beginning of scream four there's that bit where like you're seeing like different kind of stab movies and whatever like the franchise and she's just in one of like the little scenes at the beginning so she's not one of the main characters in the movie She's the lead in Blumhouse's Truth or Dare. Better movie, by the way, hard recommend from Steve's sake. Also, it could be an episode down the line. It's so stupid. Yeah, it's really stupid.

Also done by Joe. It's another Wadlow joint. It's another Wadloh, Paul. Oh, wait, we have a Wadlow Wad. That's what it is. Like a Spikely joint. It's a Wadlow Wad. Oh, I like that. Yeah, you hear he's an apprentice under Big Wad.

That's a Henry Big Wad. Hello, I'm Henry Bigwad. So yes, this is Portia Doubledays being chased at night. She runs into an office. This movie starts like a Mar Vista Lifetime movie, by the way, like where it's just like this. It's just like, oh, here's the thing. That be sort of like the last girl that lived in this house or the,

the old nanny or whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah. Right. Yeah, totally. Was that the ghost at the beginning and the logo? It could have been, she could have been the perfect danny or something. This is a confusing thing, though, because you can't tell what's going on. Like, I was one, because I didn't, I saw this once back in early pandemic, and then I just watched it again last night.

And so I didn't remember, I was like, are we starting in the middle of the movie? Like, what is this opening scene? I don't, that's the weird part. I guess this is her getting abducted. This is Portia Doubleda digging adopted, right? Yeah, that's what I thought so. Yeah, except that, like, she when she gets abducted it's not like abducted from her house or business or whatever because the camera pans and you see the name the little name sign on the desk and it says mr rourke yeah so she's already on the island yeah maybe she escaped briefly is the idea i guess that's what you're supposed to believe right oh that makes sense that would make more sense actually yeah she calls for help and mr work is like i you don't worry you're fine you're my guest kind of a thing and again but even though she's not his guest

because at the end of the movie, you find out that she was just to be abducted from wherever. You know what I mean? It's very, it's very, I mean, the twist of these movie, this movie does not make a ton of it. I mean, to be fair, if you kidnap someone, you're kind of in charge of them. That's true. Absolutely true. You're in my house, captive

or not, you know? Maybe I'll get you a glass of water eventually. But that just, you know, it goes right into the Blomhouse Furnacy Island, bruh. And it's, you know, the plain lands. And our guests are getting off and you know i got a lot of people here uh including you know ryan hanson um from veronica mars

among other things i think he's a funny guy but he has been playing this character i mean it's either here veronica mars friday the 13th party down party down which he's also great on but it's like the older he gets and he keeps just playing this character it just gets weirder as it goes on and he's just playing like you know broie party dude kind of thing but i'm like yeah dude but now you got crow's feet yeah well that's i mean that thing and i mean like they don't play that at all and honestly him his scenes with uh jimmy o yang are the best scenes in the movie and this movie absolutely should just be a full on michael pina's fantasy island comedy with a big capital c and it's silly you get like set the rogan in there you get tiffany had is

showing up and now you've got a good sex comedy come on let's do it exactly and you could even go into the crazy Russian mafia stuff in their storyline because that could be the turn you know in the fantasy or whatever but you could still make it funny it could be like yeah action comedy or whatever perfect to like squeeze in some anal fud as well oh definitely cram some anal fud in there dude oh no not anymore oh dude that's the thing is one of the guys who goes to fantasy island mr work is like that is your fantasy he's like been watching nothing but video videos of cartoons fuck and I want to fuck

a cartoon that see that's something right yeah it would be great like it's like the it's like oh yeah like so so let's say it is the comedy right so it's like jimmy o yang and Ryan Hansen get there you know they're getting off the plane and it's like oh one second I have to I have to say goodbye to our guests

who are leaving us and it's like a dude all still live action but he's just holding hands with a cartoon Betty poop dude he's walking around with Betty poop that's right just giving Betty Boop a big kiss and she's like I'm sorry big boy I can't leave this island with you for more on that's your cool world episode for more on sexual relations with cartoons of course so it's those guys you have the great Maggie Q in this movie um slumming it here

unfortunately I like Maggie Q Maggie Q I know her from Q and on is that right yeah that's true she is she's cute right she does the drops she makes the posts uh she's right yes the plan yeah a very um really good uh plastic surgery on our good friend jfk junior uh he's now maggie cue um he made all the connections with tom cruise during the filming of mission impossible three and he actually you know got him the cue mantle i believe yeah mission impossible three was like kind of her first big thing in the u.s she was also in live free or die hard like the year after that you know she's been on she was in the Nikita reboot too oh yeah she's much better than this movie for sure like and like I think

she's like a good a good action actress and she's actually doing good emotional range here with what they're giving I mean that's the problem too is like all of these stories that they wind up telling are so disparate it's so hard to have to care about any of them I would rather just focus on one and make it not the torture your fucking high school bully or whatever Jesus, that whole thing, which we will address. But like, yeah, the real dumb thing with this movie is it does feel like, you know, four or five different episodes of a Fantasy Island reboot TV show all crammed in because you've got the party guys, you know, doing their thing.

And then you've got Maggie Q with like this, I regret not saying yes when this guy proposed to me situation. And that's this whole other kind of drama feeling storyline. it's the most useless one probably although i guess it tries to get us to relate to mr rourke's whole thing with his wife being brought back as well yeah his whole situation here um and also the fucking daddy ward thing oh what is that even doing in here put that back in 2005 do well so that that's the other thing is you have all these actors and then you have a walking and talking piece of cardboard yeah as the last guy this dude the character is patrick this

Austin Stowell is the actor's name I don't know where you fucking found this guy man but send him back he's not done yet yeah he's I mean he's on par with Lucy Hale in terms of like what they're at the gravitas they're bringing to this film

yeah not great I just oh and actually hilariously oh is that was that the one I'm thinking of is that the movie oh yeah this this walking piece of cardboard is in 12 strong

the fucking the horse movie, the Iraq horse movie or Afghanistan like the horses start like killing tribal warlords or something and it's animated, is that right? He does one of the horses, okay. Anal Fudd is after them.

Contracted in by Blackwater. Turns out turns out that Michael Pena is also in that movie. They're buds, dude. Reunion gets around, dude. And that's the thing is that Peña just always deserves better and no more that, like you know, it's cool

like you had Ricardo Montelbaum hold the mantle now you know you give it to Michael Pena I get it but man he just doesn't even know like what mode he's in like him in a horror context doesn't make a ton of sense like him trying to be like scary is it really working for me he's too likable

to be scarier sinister yeah you're exactly right I also don't feel like he's trying too much here no no no like in a lot of the latter scenes he's like can we get this over with please are we done yet that's also an impression of me watching this movie I feel like, you know, Michael Pena, you definitely get that vibe from him, maybe some of the other actors, but it's like, you have to get to a point, especially when you're filming like these final scenes of this movie and you're like, what is going on here? What is this movie? What is this about? Like, he just looks like he has no idea what the movie is like wrapping up, you know, what it's ultimately about. And he's just like, all right, I memorize these lines. I kind of have like the tone that you need me to say them in. And that's all I got for you, Blumhouse.

I'm sorry. So they're all here and like we're, of course, dropping like, let's all make sure we're active on social media, everybody. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, anyway, uh, what else are we doing? Also, biggest, uh, red flag for terror. It's a thrown away, it's a thrown away line.

Um, but similarly to the, I still know what you did last summer premise. We have a fake contest winner situation. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, you know, I'm not, again, radio contest or whatever, like, I would be really careful before I got on a fucking plane with something. Anytime I get one of those little fucking death traps, those little biplanes, like I, I need to be sure I'm going somewhere on the other end. Yeah, also this island. You don't know where that is. What country is this? I guess it's just an Epstein island, like a singular island that's owned by a rich fella? It seems like it. I mean, I'm also just suspicious of any, like, online contest.

winning. That's really like Flossed in Paradise and the croquettes, that's fine, I guess, because you're like actually in a box and everything like that. But like, I got an email and they said, let's go to fucking Fantasy Island. I don't know. That's a really good cool. Did you get like, hello, you

won a contest from Fantasy? I'm deleting it immediately. I'm not even here. Totally. Like, if the grand prize is anything above a free t-shirt, you've got to do your research. Yeah. Exactly. It's just like an email I'm deleting. like someone has to literally come to my house, knock on my door,

and be like, listen, dude, I swear to God, this is legit. Here's a brochure. This is people having fun. Go look at it. I have so many personal firewalls before I even decide to give somebody my address. Never mind, like, all the things I would need to go to this fucking island. Chris, what was that address again? I need to send you something.

That is three. Wait, no, Eric. Stop that. You almost fell for it again, you idiot. Don't you do it like that. It's tricky. me and Eric have a running bet one of us is going to make you say it one of these days one of these days we're going to docks you I'm clever like a bull but yeah I've turned down so many two hundred and fifty dollar Amazon gift cards no way am I getting on a fucking plane absolutely dude absolutely and they are greeted by this woman Julia who's played by Frisa Friza Fitz Henley rather she was on Luke Cage for a few episodes apparently she's in the Sorcer's Apprentice which I don't remember because I don't remember that movie Nope. But she also, she played

Reva Connors is the character. She played on Luke Cage. She was also doing that character on Jessica Jones at least once. But there is a line exchange here that I think kind of sets off like exactly what, like when it happened, I was like, oh,

it's this, it's going to be like this. Because she, you know, they're all like saying hi or whatever. She's doing Welcome to Fantasy Island. And she goes, I work for Mr. Rourke. and Mr. Cardboard just goes Hey, yeah, what's his story? And I was

like, oh, got it. Okay. Yeah, by the way, I own this movie accidentally. So do I. I do. Guys, I do as well now because I couldn't fucking rent it for some reason. It was only available to

purchase. Still now, to this day? At least to me, I don't know if it's a prank that the conglomerates are playing. I think won a contest, dude. Well, because it was a thing where this was one of those movies. It came out in February of last year. Pandemic

hit, and then this was one of the movies that they were like, all right, we're just going to dump it on PVOD immediately to try to recoup some of that box office. And I remember, Chris, you had seen it and you were like, guys, it's so fucking crazy. You're not going to believe it. I was like sitting around the house one night, super

stoned, and was like, oh, you know, it would be marvelous. why don't i watch fantasy island oh it's only 1999 huh and then i did that reasoning that's so dangerous with vod stuff like that with like buying files buying files like a fucking idiot i was like well you know i would have just had my vape pen and gone downtown and seen it in the theaters anyway and that would have been more expensive than this and so i bought it and then i forgot that i bought it because last night i went to watch it and i had my apple tv and you do the like hold the button in for the voice thing

and I just said Fantasy Island and it propped up like in the video library and Chelsea was like you bought this I was like I guess I did it's down to 12 bucks I will say that oh there you go I think it might be like exclusive to stars or something if you don't have that deserted channel

yeah totally dude that fucking ghost town of a channel yeah the Blumhouse opening is actually taking place on the Stars channel whole series dedicated to the opening of the Blumhouse pictures logo.

You find out exactly where the little girl came from. Oh, sick. Mr. Rourke invites them in. He's like, all right, everybody just get changed and I'll be with you later. And like, there's some bullshit line where like, Ryan Hanson is like,

oh, I read about this on Reddit. Here they drug your drinks, dude. That's why I came to this island. I'm like, what? Well, because I think it was like a, uh, he puts like LSD in the drinks or something like that. Also point of order like fucking the they say okay you okay you give me an online invitation to your fantasy island I get on your goddamn like airplane that has like a tires hanging

from the bottom or whatever and like at the end of it you're like yeah there's no cell service on the island when you get like I will open the door I will jump out. Yep that's a big problem dude oh I have no way to communicate with the outside world I don't think so. and I have to say here's another fucking red flag and I got I got cults on the brain again because I just finished Clay Twil's

Heaven's Gate the Cult of Cults on HBO Ditto. Big recommend Big recommend. Solid But there's a line where Mr. Rourke goes he goes Your life is about to change forever

I hope you're ready and I was like that's joining a cult get back on the plane please you need to get out of here life is good but it could be better exactly i was just kind of looking for a nice weekend away from the kids if you know what i mean i don't want my life to change forever sir oh no you're being chased by by kim coats renounce your wish renounce your wish it's kind of similar me the coats give me the coats i need the fantasy james them and the black water under it. Yeah, you got to get that water going, man.

I mean, it is kind of a wish movie. This is like in the cultural zeitgeist of this horrible decaying empire we find ourselves in. No, no, Mr. Cardboard, you must kill your father again. Oh, man, Mr. Cardboard and this fucking dad, dude, we will get to it. Oh, another great Mr. Cardboard line kind of around here is like so everybody meets for like a happy hour kind of thing. They're waiting on Mr. Rourke to get his buns in here and tell him what's going on. Jimmy Yang and Ryan Hansen are kind of hanging out, you know, and it mentions something, they mentioned something about being brothers. And then this Mr.

Cardboard just comes over and just goes, hey, wait, how are you guys brothers? So wait, this guy wished to be cardboard? Yeah. I wish to be the Cardboard. No, it was, yeah, it was Cardboard who wished to be a human being. that's it. Yeah, we have, we have all these people that won this contest and this box

who wished to be a real boy. But you're right, Andrew, like, I don't know, the modern American family is complicated. And if somebody just says,

this is my brother, you say, hey, cool, and you fucking leave it alone. Like, yes, I know he's white

and he's Asian. Congratulations. You fucking crack the case. Oh, that's fantastic. That's fantastic to hear. You both got a blood test I could see.

And stuff like that. Can I get, get some background on you? How are you brothers? If he's like that and you're like that. Like you guys said, I think they are the best part of the movie. They're having fun.

They're having fun. Yes. I mean, I've been a fan of both of those for a while. I mean, because I love fucking party down. I'm a big Veronica Mars guy also. So Ryan Hansen's always kind of been entertaining me over the last fucking 15 years,

whatever. And then Jimmy Yang was on, Silicon Valley there I thought he was hysterical on that show that I never bothered to finish but so yeah you're just watching them like have a great time and you're like this could just be the movie

but then I got fucking Mr. Cardboard I got Maggie Q's family drama I got horny girl because that's the other thing so Melanie the pretty little liars actress here she like immediately comes up to this Mr. Cardboard she's acting like fucking cat woman

here man she's just like oh did somebody say something about brothers oh oh and you're just like you're all meeting each other for like the first time here can we tone all of this down she goes to the bar and she's like oh let me have a two whatever rum and coax or whatever and then he was like oh thanks she's like no I'm double fisting I'm like all right maniac I don't know what you know what dude I'm leaving you alone and also like I don't know it seems as if uh on top of being you know magical fantasy island i would wager it's also all-inclusive so like yeah i don't know like just give her that one and then go get your other one for double-fisting it's so rude unless this is roc okay ladies and gentlemen like welcome to fancy island the drinks are free until

six then maybe i'm going to be like all right maybe i have to double fist here i got to start doing some math yes this is fantasy island where all your greatest wishes can come true and also it's cash bar at all times. Also something that needs to point it out is Mr. Cardboard is attempting some valor theft here. He's got the dog tags of his father around his neck. And you know what? He's not just like,

he's not just bringing it up in conversation. He waits for somebody to bring it up. Uh-huh. It's out. They're like openly hanging out. Like you, if that's a private thing, fine.

Don't fucking flaunt it like you were in the military. No, sir. Yeah, seriously. I don't want you got to like put them in another thing like they're dog tags but like get some other kind of necklacey container around

them because if you're just wearing dog tags like that I don't know where less passing it off man wear something less blatant like your father's toe tag for instance he had to have one he did have to have a grenade maybe he didn't and they're trying to like sort of figure out here like how

these fantasies play out I mean Ryan Hanson's kind of got a good idea he's like what if it's just like LARPing like you know that's how the fantasies work or whatever or VR I think Melanie suggests yes yeah VR was also suggested and Mr. Rourke is like

only the island knows how the fantasies go and I'm like again I don't know man I would just I would need more details here to go on fantasy island so then the first fantasy is Ryan and his brother who is named Brax

Braxton but like they keep like alluding to like his nickname in college was T I don't know what that means yeah yeah and then yeah so Brax and JD is Ryan Hanson's name they go to this crazy house party and it's like

this is fantasy all and I'm like yeah that's okay you know what I mean like it's yep and my question is are these all ghost people like the girls and the guys they're having sex with like how does that work. Good question. With a name like Brax, maybe Space Ghost is actually hosting this whole thing.

Maybe he's the brains behind the whole operation. Yeah, but if that was the case, though, this movie, this movie would have way more hilarious, awkward silences in it. Exactly. That's on HBO Max, by the way. A delight to revisit. Oh, yeah.

I've been like kind of circling around that. But yeah, so yeah, the whole thing is their fantasy beacons now, and it's partying and babes. So, Steve, your question about the babes and the dudes and all the sucking and fucking and the partying, I think you're, at least what the movie I think tells you is that this, the magic water that comes out of,

God damn it, the magic water that comes out of this fountain that's hidden in the bottom of this cave that we go to later, is capable of sort of making all of these people real. Okay, yeah. So I think it's all fake people. I think the only real person on the island maybe is Mr. Rourke. So then that's my question is, okay, if Richard Rourke is like the only real person, everybody else is sort of like a fake sort of real person that can only exist on this island.

NPCs. Then why do you need to kidnap people to torture them? Like if I'm like, I want to fucking weirdly and sexually humiliate my fucking high school bully because I'm a fucking maniac, then just make a fake high school bully. it looks like my high school bully, and I get to do that and no harm, no foul. Which would be great. She says, go ahead.

But it's a monkey's paw movie again. Sure. Yeah, that's true. Well, she, Melanie says something about, this will be easier to talk about if we just spoil it. Melanie is behind the whole thing. Yes. This is her big, she has brought all these people here because this dude that she was obsessed with died in a fire

and all of them, all of these guests, Maggie Q, Jimmy O. Yang, Mr. Cardboard. Ryan Hansen. They're all tangentially responsible for this guy dying. But the thing is she blames the girl for all the other stuff too. And I think it's just like a double

revenge situation because she's like I was made this way. Like I was obsessed with this guy. I went out with one time because you made me such a fucking weirdo. Loser. Like yeah, because it's something about like she thinks that she wasn't like good enough for him because she was thinking about all the past bullying. And

that made her like regress and not like immediately go meet that guy or whatever the fuck it was the funny blames her for something the funniest thing in this whole movie is when you see his charred corpse talking and he says you couldn't help me you should have helped me and that's it and that's it that's a charred corpse just talking yam and at you what's interesting about the charred corpse keeps appearing in the background it does throughout the movie and you're like what's this booger man what what is what is his story we'll get to it it and it is underwhelming. Yes, it's very, very underwhelming.

Because he's like a jump scare. Like when you first see the big party house, it's like, oh, cool, you know, blow jobs and candy canes for everybody. But oh, there's this fucking weird monster guy. What's the deal? Yeah, I got a big laugh right there because, so like J.D.'s thing is like partying with babes

because he's trying to get over a lady friend that he broke up with. And he's trying to have anal fud with them, I think. Trying to do some anal fud. I think you're right. Oh, no, not again. but Brax, the character of Brax is gay

so he goes off with some dudes and then he says something like oh did you tell Mr. Rourke about what I'm into and like the curtains pull back and it's like a bunch of sexy dudes with a ton of weed around them so his thing is like you know smoking weed and at one point the guy jumps out and scares him and he's like wow that's some good weed

this guy to contextual as if you haven't seen it yet I know I said you should see it before this but if you didn't Listen, this burnt guy, you know what I've reminded me of? He looks like Bill Paxton in near dark, like kind towards the end of the movie. A little bit. I could see that. Yeah. He looks more like Doug Jones in, oh God, what's that movie called?

Hold on. It's Doug Jones in the by-bye man. The Bet Midler Halloween movie. Hocus Pocus Pocus. Hocus Pocus. He looks like the zombie guy in Hocus Pocus Pocus. Oh, Billy. Chris, I think I said Hocus Pocus right before you.

So can I get those trailer game points? Yes, you get. He's losing it. Sure, Eric, you get them all. You're the winner. We forego the game. Eric's the winner, everybody. I want a contest.

I get to go to the island. Eric, Chris's address is worth a thousand points, just FYI. Oh, shit. We've got to get it out of them, huh? Or maybe, you know, I actually have it somewhere in my office here? Check my roller decks. Well, maybe at the end of the episode, we'll get to it. Sure.

And then so you and Mr. Rourke then takes Maggie Q into her fantasy, and he's saying, you know, regret is a disease. He's kind of like interviewing her at first, like in his office. Like if you could do, you know, what's your job like? Are you happy with your job? Or you happy with your love life? If you could do a movement over, a moment over rather, you know, would you say yes? Because she says like her biggest regret is this dude proponent.

to her she said no so he's like if you could do that moment over would you say yes and then like this door opens and it's the restaurant where he proposed to her and it's a weird thing where like she doesn't know and like the audience doesn't know and I think also at some points like the movie doesn't know but Maggie Q's asking the question she's like so did you fly this guy here yes you know how did you know how to set up like the restaurant to look like you know you don't know like what's going on like if she's traveling to this restaurant traveling back like all exactly she's not it's all like

you know just stuff made up by the island but it's all very confused I would already be guessing drugs I would right off the bag like somebody gave me some really gnarly stuff but I mean I guess I'm in this nice restaurant now and like my first question to the man would be like

okay I can change my mind about whether or not I want to accept the marriage proposal of this nice man can I also change my order at the restaurant. What I had was not that good if I'm being honest. You know, I got the sea bass and, uh, it was really undercooked and it really put me in a funk. And it wasn't until after I ate the sea bass that he proposed. And I was just in such a bad mood that I think that's why I said no. They had, so I have the steak. They have a phenomenal roasted chicken. I usually get it. I was feeling a little adventurous that night. I don't know why. I'm sorry, but. No guest gets two wishes. I'm sorry. Damn it. Okay, fine. Fine. I will say, yeah. This is my fantasy.

I'm going to a fucking restaurant again. Holy shit. Seriously. And it looks like a really nice place, too. I was like, oh, man, just a good nice restaurant. God damn it. But the thing about her fantasy that's so dumb is like, so what if saying yes makes you feel better about the decision? You're not going to leave the island and still be married to this guy. I mean, I guess the idea is you stay on the island forever. but then again she's also being tricked because it's actually Lucy Hale's thing and she wants to kill everybody anyway so question mark question mark question mark but and then the same by the

same token though if she can like manifest her ex-boyfriend and marry him on the island why again can't you just manifest people and kill them on the island and feel satisfied that they're dead you know what I mean and be done with that's true I don't know why we have to go through all this theatricality you're totally right um and then so that she sets off she goes in the restaurant agrees to do it it. So then our last two are Lily Hale and Mr. Cardboard and they're like hanging out, having cocktails. And

Mr. Cardboard gives some story here and he's like, yeah, you know, I wanted to enlist in the military, but that didn't really work out. So then I became a cop and I don't know, I'm kind of not great at it, but well, anyway, I'm just excited to be playing Call of Duty in Real

Life or whatever. You know, I'm part cardboard on my father's side, so we're not too different you and I so that's like his thing and then Lily Hale explains like oh my fantasy is wanting to get revenge on this bully that tortured her all through school including

a carry adjacent toilet water bucket of toilet water dropped on her head at the eighth grade dance or something like that she also went to a therapist who she called Dr. Torture well he'll be important later and will he ever and he

one of his assignments for her was to write letters to all of her classmates, which this main maniac bully somehow got and mailed to everyone. She broke in like a cat burglars. She broke into the therapist. Like Portia is not playing. She's not double day is not playing this as much of a maniac as this person would have to be. Like this is completely insane. They deserve the torture. Absolutely. 100%. Was this therapist a professional wrestler? That's a great question. This guy's humongous when we see him. Because the torture, Dr. Torture. Look, you know, they could be therapists and, you know, Swedish luge artists.

Because she has to go down to the basement. That's where her fantasy is, which Michael Pina. And I guess so the Michael Pina, so she was like, here's my fantasy, Michael Pena. I actually wanted to get vengeance on all these people. But further to my fantasy, and Michael Pena is like, oh, God. It's going to be double-tiered, Michael T. Pena, shut up. I'm going to say the whole thing. Like, fuck, all right. Let me get a pen.

It's like, you have to pretend you don't know me. Give me a fantasy, which actually isn't my actual fantasy, so that the other people in the fantasy think that they're actually not the fantasy. The hospitality industry sucks sometimes. Michael Pena is just like regretting every decision that brought him to this moment. Also, imagine every, like, Mr. Cardboard, you know, he's a good. looking piece of cardboard. Sure.

You know, he's not an ugly man. Imagine all these girlfriends he's had when they, they, you know, they try to get close to him and they're like, what's your fantasy? And he's like, to save my dead father. Okay. To make sure my dad doesn't get killed in Nicaragua. It doesn't belong in this movie.

It feels almost like frequency or something. Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. And the whole time I was like, this is just an even somehow dumber version of frequency. That was that, what was that, Dennis Cocaine Quaid? Yep, Dennis Cocaine Quaid and Mr. Jesus, right? Mr. Jesus himself? Christ, Mr. Jesus.

Wait, so that means Dennis Quaid is God. That's true. Maybe he thinks so. I don't know. I see those insurance commercials. Well, I mean, when he's playing snowblower, yeah, he believes he's a god. Yeah, but he's ripping it up in the green room of the city winery. And never mind. but yeah so her thing is like I guess you know so all right mr.

I'm doing all this other shit but my fantasy is I want to be in an Eli Roth movie for a little bit because the movie it just turns into a torture porn movie it's just for like five minutes and it's like this you can't do this and then have Jimmy O Yang on the other end and fucking a nice fucking drama and then whatever and frequency also happening too many balls to juggle yeah it's just it's way too much you can't do you can't definitely throw us like a saw into the mix it's just yep yep it's the lighting changes entirely where they've got like the super green lighting it's this torture porny place it's and Porsche double day again like she's like gagged to a chair and a very like you

know right right guys that dude yep she's she's tied to a chair she's got a fucking you know ball gag in her mouth she's clearly been like crying we got the you know the mucked up eye makeup the whole thing it's straight out of hostile you know and so the whole thing here is like Lily Hale's character Melanie has this like control room that she's in front of

and you know the Porsche Double Day is like tied to this chair on the other side of like some reverse glass kind of thing two-sided mirror and so it's just like every time a button lights up like she presses it and this girl gets like a little bit of she gets tortured or the toilet water falls on her and all

of this shit it's like a torture speak and say is what you're saying yes it's exactly right it goes like boop boop electrocute her and you know then you press it you does it all right now put the toilet water beep bo pop pop toilet water goes uh but then this fucking doctor torture walks in and i had to look really closely for a second because i thought it was cane i did too yeah i really thought it was cane at first dressed up like a doctor which would have been funny because am i remembering this right steve one of cane the guy who is cane one of his earlier characters was a dentist yep i i've been yankham or something

like that. I have trouble remembering my own mother's birthday some years, but I know that Kane eventually was Ivan Yankham first. That's for sure. That's important. Yeah. That's what you are. Listen, your mother's birthday is never going to come up on the show. But that did. That did. Indeed. The funny thing is, though, the guy who plays Dr. Torture is a dude named Ian Roberts. Yes. Not to be confused with the UCB. Ian Roberts. All right. He was apparently in Superman Returns, but I don't remember the character. Riley but everybody remembers Riley from Superman returns hey that guy but yeah he's just this big scary dude and and this scene doesn't really play once you know what the

movie is about because when the end of the twist because Lucy Hill is like oh no why am I torturing this woman oh I'm so conflicted like and she like tries she stops and saves her too which doesn't make a ton of sense no I get it's all isn't it for like the sake of fooling this girl though because she's filming this all on her phone. Just to show her later. Towards the end of the movie, it's like to, it was like to gain her trust, I guess, to set up the big ruse that you got to get everyone in the same room to hear this. Come on everyone. We got to all hear this. I'm not going to just tell you or kill you like I want you. I'm going to kill you all once. She's saying some dumb shit

too. Like she keeps claiming that like she thinks Portia Doubleday is a hologram. So she's like, wow, looks better than Tupac. Look, oh my God. Look, I filmed this to prove that this was a movie. I filmed it all. This, see, it was a movie. I swear, look, I approve. It was a movie. I love this part because she also, like, one of the buttons is a video of Porsche Double Day, like, having sex with some guy.

And she has to, like, Lucy has to do so much, like, heavy lifting. Like, that's not her husband. And it's like, wait. And then she reads another button and then some other guy watching. It's like, that is her husband. And it's like, I know. But, yeah. So then the final setup is, yes, Mr. Cardboard is taken into the jungle by Michael Pena and he's like, all right, I'm off to play Call of Duty now.

This is going to be a lot of fun. It's so fucking stupid. He's like immediately captured. Yes. He's about to be captured. He encounters Michael Rooker. This is the, like, we see Michael Rooker right when they get off the plane. He's like eerily spying on them from the woods.

You don't really know what's going on. bumps into Michael Rooker and he's you know Rooker is playing Michael Rooker. He's like this place isn't what you think it is. People die here and you're like okay but then like

these other soldiers come in or whatever Michael Rooker has got this like late last days of Jake the Snake Robert's haircut going on and it's not great oh man you're totally right it's like he would be it's the haircut you would see

in like a you know a goon in a cannon movie yes like I feel also like you could you saw this haircut a lot in like a bunch of the the hitman in a samurai cop like that era of filmmaking also I can imagine Jake the snake taking an email invitation to a fantasy island even post sobriety I think he he would still take this offer to come here my fantasy is to be the WWF champion again, but forever. Also, I'd like to take a snake as my wife. Oh, that's what it is. Finally getting to marry a snake. It's been a long time coming from me and Charlene here. And yes, Eric, thank you. My best man, Eric Siska here. He's been with me all the good times with Charlene, my snake. What's awesome is I don't even know who Jake the snake is, but I will be there for him and support him.

He was a wrestler in the 80s that came out with a snake. Yes, that makes sense. Wrapped around him. Jake the snake Roberts. He had a huge drug problem for a while. There was a documentary about it. Who didn't? Not to be confused with millionaire man Ted DiBiasey there, a million dollar man.

I would never forget that guy. That guy was cool. You see his son's in some hot soup these days? What do you? What is he doing? Million dollar man Ted DiBiase, his son is hilariously involved in some sort of like, like, Like, he's in a court proceeding right now due to some scam. Like, you think he's like bilking people out of maybe a million dollars.

That's got to be a real thing when you're watching your dad on television and he's like, I'm the million dollar man. I can buy and sell you. And you're still living like in a shack and like fucking, you know, Jacksonville. You're like, wait, huh? Hi. I'm the, I'm the billion dollar boy. Mike DiBiassi.

Can I show you how to make money today? Anyway, so yeah, you know, he is Cap, Mr. Cardboard here, Patrick, I think is the character's name, is captured by these American soldiers. And I couldn't quite place where this was, like, eventually they say something about either Nicaragua or Venezuela or something like that. Because I think their mission is to destabilize

someone who's elected democratically. That is the weirdest part because it's like, oh, it's a black. And like, he even says Patrick's like, oh, my God. God, it's my dad's Black Ops mission in fucking Venice well. Like, the U.S. government told you that? I think if it's like a, you know, he lost his life. We could at least spill the beans. Hugo Chavez threw a grenade at my dad and he jumped on it.

He's a hero. You better not throw that grenade in my dad. Look, Poppy signed off on it. He said it was okay. Also, this, the whole, like, hero worship of his father for being a quote-unquote hero for saving his, like, platoon or whatever by jumping on. this grenade. And then when we eventually see what happens to Nick burning in this building in the past, he's like, I'm too scared to go and tie to building. Yeah, dude, this guy is a coward in the

real world. Class A coward. Incredible. Totally incredible. Um, so he's like set up in his thing now. And then what the movie does is just sort of like jumps back and forth between these four completely different stories, uh, until they stupidly crash back. together then is the idea um but we get a little more about you know ryan hanson there's kind of a funny thing where like he's trying to tell jimmy yang like oh yeah me and you know that babe over there we got it out last night and then she comes over and he you know oh just tell a tell him about a great time we had last night and she's like oh yeah like it was amazing how much he cried because he's just like crying over this ex-girlfriend or whatever this is like the most sitcom

commie part of this like this is what like I definitely agree like this is the best part of it because it because of this set cominess but sometimes it really does hit home it does and I mean again because we just we cut from like fucking again like hostile part five and then it's just like

man oh man you can't get over that ex girlfriend I'm like you can't just bounce back from that and as soon as that like finishes then it just bounces to Maggie Q like getting the proposal all over again and saying yes and being happy and then it bounces

back to our party boys and they find a panic room with a bunch of fucking weapons in it and you're like man this is just a real yo-yo-feeling kind of movie yeah big time and nothing feels like it should go together and we come to find it shouldn't

there is one of their like dumb partying things that I thought was hilarious is they're putting grenades into baseball pitching machines and just blasting them out into the ocean like Cosmo Kramer. I mean, their storyline is still the most compelling. The most like fleshed out since their brothers, I kind of like have a sense of what their background is. And everyone else is

like, oh, I was, someone was mean to me at school. Yeah, here too. And I just became a podcast. Yeah, Melanie, you don't have to torture these people on Fantasy Island. Just start a podcast. Exactly. Torture people you don't know over the airways. Just give me a little bit longer with the, in that tent with all the pot, Jimmy Yang's tent with all the hot guys. the pot. Let's sit in there for a little while. That seems like a nice place to be. I don't need to see all the, you know,

the bikini babes all the time. I would take, I would take, like if you removed all of Mr. Cardboard from this movie and just replaced it with like scenes of Jimmy Yang going up to various jars of sticky, icky and being like,

oh, it's this kind of a strain. And then just reading me percentages of THC, way more interesting than Mr. My dad was. in Venezuela he somehow he somehow smokes pot off of a peck muscle there you go that'd be interesting somehow i don't know how it would be like just do their storyline is is i mean it's comedy it's dumb it's but it's fun like the whole like oh this is actually like i think mr rourke has a line

that it's like oh well you know your fantasy was to have it all and when you have it all people want to take it from you and this was like an ex-russian gangster's house and there was cocaine and cash in it so now you're under siege by criminals I would rather watch this fun like 21 Jump Street-esque action movie in this movie than any of the other

great example of the tone that I was trying to figure out like yeah if you did that movie had all the action stuff with the Russian mob and stuff like that and it was just kind of like 21 Jump Street yep that's exactly what they should be one note we get about Mr. Cardboard

that I really so imagine you're over at somebody's house and it's your friend and he's just had a kid they're both very white and your buddy is hanging out playing with the kid hey yeah

isn't that cool isn't that cool Ali oh yeah and wouldn't your eyebrow go up a little when he's like yeah I call my kid after Muhammad Ali I'd be like and it's like oh no he's a fighter

he was born premature like yeah you know what you know what I mean Dempsey's right there. You cannot just call your little white kid Ali. Call him Lamata. You don't have to tell him everything

about the man. Just tell him he was a fighter. Call him the fighting fetus. Call him Batman. Batman fights. He's white. Yeah, that's exactly right. Batman's a fighter.

Superman? He's also fought. Superman, there it is. I mean, come on. Now, why do we get born? He's my little Superman. Why do we get born? prematurely mr. Wayne to pick ourselves back up why do we be born prematurely

mr. Wayne to refer to ourselves as Muhammad Ali yeah it's that's a weird detail Chris that you're totally right my question about very specifically um actually all of these fantasies right they all kind of go sour and dark and spooky scary in their own ways and is that my question is So, like, if Jimmy O'Yang just went to fantasy on his own and said, I want it all, would he just have, like, three days of, like, a really cool party? Or is it because of Lucy Hale's wish that it gets the monkey spot thing? Or is every wish monkey spot no matter what?

I think Lucy Hale. I think Lucy Hale has, is it made all these specifically. They go wrong because of her. Yeah. Mr. Rourke can't even have a relationship with his wife because of the monkey part, monkey paw nis of the fucking black water juice or whatever so he has her play the assistant role to just see her so i think they're all cursed yeah that's a good point and also you know you got to get a real guy somebody in here to check this water situation it looks like black mold guys that's

really dangerous oh yeah it is yeah dude i was i was having breathing problems just watching this movie uh well the weird thing too about that is like you know they come to this island with it wasn't just like oh we won this contest to a mysterious island like they all seem to be aware of the existence of fantasy island already so like if it was a thing where every visit to fantasy island was a monkey's paw thing i don't think people are going to fantasy on trips you know like the word would get out man it would be like hey don't go there you think it's going to be cool and you're just partying and smoking weed and fucking banging dudes And then all of a sudden, the Russian mafia is after you.

Nobody tells you that you're being served by Michael Pena's dead wife. Nobody's telling you that shit. And I found it out. See, you think you're getting the anal, but no one tells you you're also getting the fun. Oh, my goodness. Oh, I need some water. That's my question. Is anal fun, like, you know, is he a top or a bottom?

I just have to ask that question. Well, yeah, I don't know. He does wear a brown strategic. Legitically. Versatile. Yeah, you'll have to... Yeah, why not both? You'll have to study his scenes with Wiley Cockody.

Who, of course, always is paired with the road rimmer. The road rimmer. Oh, man. Meep. Meep. Moop, moot, moot. Moop, meep, meep. Moop, meep.

I love it. Oh, I... You know, I'm getting a beak in there. there would be something. And Peppula Pew is actually just not allowed. Like, no, dude. You know what, dude? We believe... No, we're not into fucking piss play. Get out of here.

Well, no, I just more of the consent angle. Like, you can't have that guy in your set. Oh, no. That guy's a predator. Every Christmas Eve, he does a new fucking video on Twitter. Let me be Pepe. Did a... I was wondering. about this over the holidays because i saw someone tweeting about it is kevin space he's still

making those videos yeah he looks like shit oh and he's still just doing it as frank whatever the no no the new one is like suicide awareness mm-hmm it was really weird it was incredibly i only watched half of it because it's just stupid shit and uh it was just because it was like suggested in the algorithm. And I was like, that sounds funny. Why not? And I shut it off real quick because it's just him threatening to rid himself from us. And I'm like, oh, all right. Or is it a message to Jislane, Eric? Or is it that? There, yeah, I get Maggie Q on the line. She has the answers on this one. The drops are coming. We should say so Maggie Q wakes up in bed with this dude that she, you know,

that she renounced, not renounce, renounce, who she, she said no to, she makes up and now she has a daughter and like, it's like, oh wow, it's everything, like she has a really kind of sensitive scene with Mr. Rourke and it's like, you know, you can just live out here and just live with your beautiful little baby daughter, man. And it's like, I don't know, man,

like, wouldn't it be like, here's your daughter, she's a fucking earache and she's really irritable. Like, that's the story I want. yeah dude this is the fucking reality of it maggie cue you got woken up at five o'clock in the morning because she pissed the bed but the thing about what they're doing here and like oh yeah you could have it all on this island now you've got a husband it is weird because she's like uh hey mr rorke you know he just proposed to me last night and he's like did he or has five years gone by and she's like what and then the little kid comes out so i thought he was position it to be a thing where like Maggie Q was going to like take up like the mantle of hosting fantasy island right like see you can have everything here all you got to do is like stay here

you can have this fantasy husband and kid you always wanted but you also just got to run this hotel that would make sense I kind of thought that's where it was going a little bit yeah I mean towards the end we see he does kind of recruit someone but it's like he should get more people to you know work and like clean up these rooms at like we see some of the staff of his hotel besides the wife and it's like what are what are their story were they once guests at the hotel he says in one like kind of pseudo diabolical because again michael pinion just isn't that actor and i think he's a great actor but just not for this and it's also a bad movie but he's like oh yes my loyal army of whatever i give them a taste of their fantasy and they will serve me throughout so like

i guess like yeah i don't know what that means They all look like the poachers for Mace Ventura, too. They do. Yes. Dude, they definitely do. And the one guy also looks like we were just talking about him on the diehard commentary. It looks like the tall nihilist from Lebowski. Yes, also that one guy.

But yeah, I don't know what that means. So if your fantasy was like to be like a great baseball player, so you get a little taste, that's like you're at a stadium and you hit a home run in the World Series and then it's like back to work now go clean the shit out of that bathroom or maybe the thing is like i always wanted to be somebody's good well i have the perfect fantasy for you yeah that might also work yeah it's shockingly it's all confusing and doesn't make much sense but she realizes like oh i can't live with this daughter this fake weird daughter she goes she like convinces him like look i realized if i get a real do-over i know what do-over i'd really want you didn't really explain my wish to me and he's

like, ah, whatever. Like, you know what I mean? That's the only rule of the movie. Ah, whatever. It is weird that he's the one that interpreted like what her wish would be. Exactly. That's how she sort of turns it on him because she's like you know, I said I wanted

to do over for like my biggest regret and you misinterpreted that as like my regret was turning down the proposal, but in reality it was this other thing where I left a tea kettle on and my apartment caught on fire and then this dude burned

to death. And so he's like, all right, well, you sort of like legaleseed me a little bit there. Yeah, all right, you do get a second fantasy. Like, he's so adamant through most of the movie, like everybody only gets one fantasy, you can't change it, blah, blah, blah. And he's like,

eh, fine, fuck it. The superfire that Maggie Q describes, or I forget who described, it might be Lucy Hale who describes it eventually, but it does sound like, like a Final Destination-esque, like a Mousetrap-esque death that happened. So I don't know if any of these people are really responsible.

I think she might be a little off it. The craziest part is how the hell is Lucy Hale aware that J.D. and Brax were associated with it at all. Exactly. And the cop. Like, what are you talking about? Right, because we see J.D. and Brax go down the stairwell. And they're like, it's a fire lady. So it's like they're just leaving the building.

They don't really have anything to do with this guy too much. Or do they know him? There is roommates and they thought he, they thought he wasn't home anymore. Oh, that's right. Also, how do you get locked in your own apartment? I don't know what this guy was doing. Yeah, you're totally right.

Like, you know, obviously people get, you know, killed and injured and fires and stuff all the time. But like, they were just leaving. like at i don't know turns out it's because it's the movie fantasy island i think is because she's mystery's mystery because she tries to open the door she can't and then she goes down to the cop who's Patrick and he's just like here lady can't help you the fire department's going to be here any second she's like no but this guy's going to burn it that's like fire department's going to be here any second all right misses uh what i'm going to do is i'm going

to shoot my gunny at at the fire and maybe that'll stop Shoot the gunny, shoot the gunny. I love it when she's running back in, and he's just like, don't be a hero. Don't be like my dad. And she, yeah, uh, you're talking to a gunny guy. You need a hosy guy. The hosy guys aren't here yet. Me just gunny guys.

You see, I wear these dog tags because to remind me how stupid dad was. Never forget. You never forget what a fucking idiot your dad was. I failed the hosy. guy test. I also failed the army guy test. But so she tries to get this other guy out. She

goes back to her apartment to get some sort of a tool to knock the door down but then she passes out and then Julia, this enigmatic worker at Fantasy Island saves her and that's a scene that sort of happens. Pulls her out of the room.

Yeah, I don't know what that is. But that's sort of brings her to like the right before all the stories are about to intersect and if we go back a second so like this I like this I think this is the way to sort of

do this with all these interlacing storylines. Then Mr. Cardboards thing is hilarious though because like so yes eventually he is brought back to like the commander of this unit and it's his dad there's a whole thing about like why is my dog tag

around your neck and they kind of it's like a little back and forth until they like this is where the whole Muhammad Ali thing is and he's like you are my son and they're trying to figure out this whole thing and then he tells him what the deal is and he's like because the dad says like well when was the last time you saw me and he's like 27 years six months and five days or something like that and he's like you died jumping on a grenade and so this guy I mean this is hysterical this guy is like well now that I have that knowledge fuck this fuck this fuck all those dudes that are in my platoon, we are going AWOL and me and you are getting the hell out of here. Absolutely, dude, great idea. I also like that his platoon, the last movie they saw before going on this mission was dazed and confused. Oh, yeah. That is the clunkiest lie of the movie, Eric, because like some guys like, what are

you dazed and confused? And I think Patrick was like, what is it? You know, that movie that came out last year and you have to be like, oh, wow, we're at the past. And then they quote Wooderson, Lee's High School Girls. Yeah, but it wasn't until that. so I was like, oh, Days and Confuse was 1993. This isn't supposed to be Vietnam.

Yes, exactly. I had no idea what was going on. No, it's Venezuela and it's definitely not legal, whatever is happening here. Yeah, exactly. My favorite thing is cardboard's whole mission here has got to be like, Dad, what you got to do is you got to kill yourself again. And you have to do it to inspire me

to be a big nothing. Okay. He has to go AWOL and he's like, no, dad, we're going to wrestle to you kill him. yourself with a grenade one of the funniest things was because i'd already seen this was watching chelsea just be totally like annoyed and confused by this movie and when the two of them start fighting she was just like she threw her arms up she was like that's it that you now you are wrestling your dad because you need him to die what does when does he care about the space time

continuum all of a sudden like i don't know man it's fantasy island let's see if my dad doesn't die this time around. Also, Mr. Cardboard, your life is stupid and shit. Yeah, you're a real loser. You're handsome as hell, but you're a real loser, Mr. Cardboard. You're a cowardly cop. I saw back to the future dad. I know what has to be done. You must die. You must die, father. He just shoots him in the back. Just like Doc Brown, I refuse to accept the consequences. And where this happens to me.

It's just a picture of this dad face down in the mud. Or pieces of his face down in the mud. So then they come to the compromise of like, well, maybe we can go help those guys and you won't have to jump on that grenade is the idea.

If we do it together, we'll take these guys down or something like that, which doesn't make sense. Yeah. And Jimmy O. Yang and J.D. or Ryan Hansen are like, they're partying. And then they're like, oh cool panic room uh oh here comes and like this is when we like get into purge anarchy territory with these stupid fucking masks that get that poor kids that poor kim coats has to wear like it's

just sad and it's just like they have they infiltrate them and they get locked out of their own panic room my favorite line of this movie by the way is when they go in the panic room and ryan hansons like wow i feel like i'm jody foster in that jody foster movie funny line i mean made me laugh it's it's totally great it's kind of like that's like you're a classic like A tier Ryan Hansen joke. Like I feel like I've heard him make similar jokes on other shows and shit. It's so funny. The great thing, I will say,

the great thing about putting Kim Coats in this, in this role here is that this is actually the kind of job I imagine Kim Coates took after some of an some panarchy ended. I've got to say, he's a welcome presence in this movie. I feel like he picks it up a little bit of a notch because I started to get bored. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, he definitely kicks things into high gear. And he's just, he's a good enough actor. I mean, those Kim Coates eyes, too. You fucking stare into those steel blue looking eyes, man. Like, he's just a very commanding presence on screen. So it kind of, you're right, Eric, it does sort of like wake the movie up a little bit. But he's wearing a dumb mask. He's weird. It does look like a Darth Wall mask after time. It does look like a Darth Mall mask. You're right. I think what does Ryan Hansen say? He's like, we got, all right, yeah, there's a few of them. We got like a pig guy, a devil. A devil.

a skeleton dude as well or something like it's a clown rather yeah yes there is there's a creepy clown one also yeah because it's blubhouse man you never know when you're gonna get scared in this dumb fucking movie i mean you're not gonna be but you never know what it might actually sort of happen blubhouse oh you got blumhouse oh you got scared there blum house you know you got blumhouse i mean we're gonna have to scare you in every kitchen sink there's a knife mean, you know, honestly, like, uh, everyone, every time we release a movie, someone's like, you got to change your opening title, man, because people get so scared, they leave the theater. Because it's like that fucking, why is that chair jumping around?

It's like the Jaws legend of someone dying during a screening. They weigh that criticism against my opening title sequence, but I'm like, hey man, I already got the ticket money, Blumhouse. Turns out, I got reports that a man died. laughing when he saw the cardboard boy wrestling his father to kill him. You know, this could kill you. This

movie could kill you. We're veering into Alex Jones a little. Yeah. We're not very good. That's true. But so Kim Coates says this Russian is like, you know, yeah, you, this house used to belong to so-and-so, you know, where's all the Coke

and the money and whatever. And they're, you know, JD and Brax are like, you know, We seriously have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. We're on this, like, fantasy island thing. Like, they're not getting it. And then this is, yeah, Rourke is, they call Rourke from the panic room and they're like, you know, this isn't what we signed on for. And this is where he has the dumb line of like, you know, everybody who has it all, someone always wants to try to take it from them.

Monkey's paw, got you Blumhouse. You got plumbed. He hangs up the phone. You just got plumbed. and there's like some like thing where you know they're like you know rassling each other a little bit um jimmy o yang tricks them he's got a grenade and sort of it's a long protracted sequence but basically the military guys and jimmy o yang's story kind of converge here yes yeah because like when things are starting to hit the fan here with the russian guys all of a sudden mr cardboard and the

platoon come onto the party down property here and this is where the movie yeah they all start kind of connecting at this point so then like you know these the the military dudes are shooting at the Russian assassins and yada yada oh no dad you got me wet I'm ruined I can't be anything oh god oh no I'm just your soggy little boy your dad got you wet interesting tell more to dr torture lay down yeah i mean that that whole story is also happening dr torture is chasing around these two sexy ladies because it's a blumhouse movie and you have to have it somewhere i guess did we even talk about the magic rock that michael rucker we're about that's where we're going because he chases them we're here we're here right now michael

rooker saves them in all of his glory he's like we got to go see this fucking magic rock ladies They're like, what? Gaze upon its wonder. And it's just a magic rock where when you gaze upon it, you sort of see your fantasy. Also, again, point of order. So I guess it's always a monkey's pop because, yeah, Michael Rooker, who had nothing to do with Lucy Hale's story. He says, like, oh, yeah, I was on this island. I'm a private investigator.

I was trying to figure something out. And my fantasy was to have my dead daughter back. And then I did get scary. And, like, he doesn't even say to it was like, it got real weird after that. like what what happened specifically i i think what he's describing there steve is a pet cemetery situation you know what came back wasn't right well we we do see that like in the previous sequence with mr cardboard and his father and the platoon being shot up by these you know kim coates and these russian gangsters is once people die they just they get like black eyes and

get up again so maybe that happened to his daughter maybe she found out how she died maybe maybe in a fit of joy, he killed her. I was so happy to see my dead daughter come back to life. I hugged her so hard, a strangled her to death. I had to stab her in the head to see if she was real. That would be brilliant. I mean, like, he's like, it was so disturbing. You know, my daughter is she got hit in the middle of the street.

She was just walking by trying to get her little ball in the middle of the street. And I got my fantasy and I tried to stop her. But then I knew she had to be run over. She had to be run over or the space time continues all for. I had to see my little baby get run over again. And I, you know what? That's disturbing. That's like that Star Trek episode.

Really? City on the edge of forever. When Kirk falls in love with a woman that has to die. Yeah, which we covered on our nexus on Patreon. But Chris, you're kind of, you're citing like Pet Cemetery there, right? Well, I mean, it's both. I mean, they both share the same. Either way, sometimes dead is better.

Exactly. But so like in the midst of all, they just like he kind of lays down how the island works. and you know you guys call my friend who's got a plane and once you then we'll all get off this island together then they're on the side of a cliff kind of running around and back and forth Porsche Double Day is like who were you and they learned each about each other and like she kind of forgives her sort of I guess

right? Is that happen here? And then like basically yeah well because Michael Rooker is like now you girls got to listen up here. You're dealing with some high school bullshit and we're on this fucking fantasy island and I ain't got no time to be hearing girls yip yapping when we're trying to get out of here like that's kind of his thing

well they're fighting there is a hilarious detail though and this was an astounding comment while we were watching the movie because he's telling his story I mean like Steve you sort of touched on it but like can we just talk about

how dumb all of his backstory he's like hey yeah I'm a PI I got hired by somebody to go find out what Rorke's doing on this island or whatever and he just says he goes I've been here three weeks

and Chelsea looking at how Michael Rooker looks at this movie goes three weeks yeah he I thought he had been on that island for years he's been living off the land hiding in the woods stealing like garbage out of the Fantasy Island hotel dumpsters to survive oh no

I just lost my hotel room yesterday it's been mostly it's been just today I lost my I lost my key card and you know Rourke Rourke's got two rules Only one fantasy and only one key card. Yeah, and I'm a PI, and I don't mean private investigator. I mean 3.14-159-2-6-5-359.

Much like that made out of cardboard, I'm made out of numbers. Oh, shit, I'm just a bunch of ones and zeros. He had? Suddenly, Mr. Rourke said he had my number. I had to come to the island. Yeah, I used to be this Darren Aronofsky movie and then hooped. boy i wish i put a drill in my brain instead of coming on that plane but then people lost interest and it was a requiem for a dream suddenly everyone's raven about anal fud ass to ass i got to say

i watched pie over a quarantine that holds up great movie does it really does it's it's good i should go back it's been it's been a long time it's been a long time for me and most of I mean, it's very of its time for sure, but, like, that's actually a good thing. You know what I mean? I'm going to do an Andrew right now. The 4K of Requiem for a Dream is wonderful. It looks really nice. Is that right? Yeah, it's really nice.

Also, how about this? Pie, my first DVD. Ooh, really? That's correct. I had Pie on DVD also. That's funny. It's a good first one. Cabin, what's going to ask you?

Oh, so you were able to actually physically and mentally bring yourself to watch Requiem for a Dream again. Oh, yeah. hell yeah great movie i mean i know it's i know it's a great movie dude but jesus christ oh no the world's a hell mouth i'm fine with you know i'll watch hellmouth movies let's go if anything that's simply days you're totally right you're totally totally totally right we're in 2021 everything is on fucking fire that must seem like a wholesome care bears movie yeah you get some fucking uh you get some sweet release watching ellenburst and get shock treatment oh yeah i mean at this point put hen okay up on Disney Plus. I mean, honestly.

Same difference. Oh, how refreshing and sweet to see him get his arm cut off. Give Henneke a fucking Star Wars Disney Plus show. Hell yeah. Oh, my God. It's just, it would be it's a show that takes place all

in like one village. It was like creepy kids. Or like, yeah. The white saber. It's like the white ribbon, for sure. It's the white ribbon, but showing like all the people that would grow up to be Imperials, like People like, tripping and falling

and be like fucking Jedi. Like, whoa, R.J on that one. They're using the force to like torture bugs quietly. I'm actually very much into this now.

I like all of this. We're funny games set in Star Wars. Absolutely. Oh my God. Actually, that would be great, right?

It's like some, let's see, how can we do it? Two storm troopers. No, I was going to say, it's a very, well hang on it's a very esteemed like corsicant family yep right who go out to like a country house

a nibu or something like that right got get out the fields of nabu and then these stormtroopers come to the house cabin right they're like oh we got lost and could we come in for a minute oh are those are those star wars era golf clubs you have there can i see that's could we have some of your blue milk uh we kind of want can we have two pints actually we need two pints of blue milk and get Naomi watson back. Yeah. Get her right back. Absolutely. I know that's the U.S. version, but it's still good. Find whatever. Hanuky also directed it. No, I know. It's fine. Find whatever trash bin Michael Pitt currently is in. Get him back on. Yeah, what happened to that guy? He's in the pit. Yeah, he's in the trash pit, wherever it is. Uh, that's too bad for Michael Pitt. He was kind of on a roll for a while.

He was great and Hannibal. Yeah, he had a good career. He's, oh, that's the last I saw him was on that. He's on Bordeaux Empire for a bit. Also great on that. Yeah. That's something I never finished. I think one of your classic like boyish good looks kind of gone wrong situations. Like not that he's not good looking anymore, but it's like, oh, it used to be like 14 pounds. Now you're like 79 pounds.

I don't know. Well, you look at that guy. It's very much like young DeCaprio. Yes, for sure. Big time. And then, yeah. I mean, he definitely does not look like that on Hannibal. He also didn't find a Scorsese.

Exactly. A Monday. Yep. That's also true. Gotta find one of those. Anyway, so we're with the two girls and Rooker here. Yeah, it's the best part. And we're fucking just

yip yapping about, you know, you hated me in high school. This is where Michael Rooker's like, you just got to set it and forget it, move on with your lives kind of thing. And then Dr. Torture fucking comes out of nowhere.

He has been, we're told like dead earlier on because they like stab him or something like that. There's an electrocution a bit as well. Oh, yes, that's right. Yep. But so, yeah, he jumps out of here and he's like, bra, you got Blumhows. And they start fighting.

And I mean, this is the single funniest thing I saw in all of 2020. I think hands down is what happens here. There's like a little bit of a scuffle. And Michael Rooker just tackles this guy off a cliff. and they both just go to hell tonight? Like, that's what happens. I love it. It is so hysterical.

Like, I haven't looked yet. And if it doesn't exist, someone needs to make a gift of him tackling this guy off the cliff. It's so, so, so, so funny. I can't even tell you. Here in 2021, I was like, jumping off a cliff, that's nice.

You kind of, very loony tunes, they kind of look over, and they just eat like the puddle of the two of them down there. Oh, my God. it is exquisite and they're both just like well let's keep going oh yeah in midair Michael Rooker and Dr. Torture both looked at the camera and said mother I will say my favorite part of this movie is coming up it's it involves Mr. Cardboard oh excellent um

but yeah I mean I guess it's a thing where he's like well my daughter came back from the grave and then died in front of me again or whatever guess I'll just kill myself to To save these two total strangers? Yeah, that makes sense. See, I don't know, man. I don't know. It sounds like Dr. Torch is your problem. I'm going to get on that plane, motherfucker.

I don't know. I just watched my daughter die again. Maybe death is good. Yeah. So then all of the, all the guys, right? Or when does Ryan, Ryan, what's his face die? Here, when? This is around here because, yeah, we go back to the little compound and, like,

there's a whole siege happening here. And then, like, they think that they got them all. Yeah, because Mr. Cardboard and Papa. Yeah, Cardboard Sr. and his men are taking down Kim Coates and his men. But are they because they come back from the dead? Yes. Yeah. So we have a thing where they're like, wow, that was, you know, before you learn that they can resurrect, like, the twist here is like, wow, that was so crazy.

Wasn't it JD? And then Ryan Hansen just totally gets, like, shot through the back or whatever. And then, yeah, you just see these guys, like, rising back up again. And you're like, all right, yeah. We didn't need these blackwater zombie things. We needed this. We needed zombies.

No, I'm saying we didn't need this. Oh, oh, yeah. We did not need people getting back up again once they've died. Like, you know, the monkey parlor is enough. I don't need fucking unstoppable killing machines as well. And also this black runny thing. They all look like new metal album covers. It's just not, absolutely.

It's just not fun to look at, I'll be honest. It's more like slip knot. Oh, wait, that's the actual name of it. flip yes maybe slip maybe slip maybe hey guys what's borat's favorite band

what's that slip not god damn it's still good dude it's still good I'd watch borat three I'd do it yeah what the hell I definitely would

yeah so he gets totally shot dead because these guys yep they're just in killable because I guess they're made entirely out of magic water everybody winds up back at the hotel and then Lucy Hale's like look we just called the plane and the plane's gonna save us and then somebody else says the plane the plane the plane but then zombie Kim Coates uses a rocket launcher and blows up the plane I'm like okay and there's a part here that I don't I guess it's because like one of Mr. Rourke's guys were like was going after one of the guests here or something but because they all like when the plane is coming or something one of the guys tries to to do something. Mr. Rourke is like, no, no, no, she wants them all together or something like that is the line. So I guess just to see the plane explode, like, I don't know.

But is she is, is, is Lucy Hale's plan also accounting for Michael Rooker or is he actually a wild card? I think he was a wild card. And then she was glad that Dr. Torture dispatched of him, I suppose. She was probably working on a plan, but then was happily surprised when he plummeted to his death and turned up to spaghetti sauce. Well, because this plane that's coming is a contact of Michael Rooker's. Yes. Because Rooker's whole thing is like, got to call this number and you're going to, a guy's going to pick up the phone. His name is Diamond Dave. And you say,

Hey, Diamond Dave. Uh, Michael Rooker needs the plane or whatever his name is in this movie, Dunham or something like that. And also say no sex stuff. You really got to be specific with Diamond Dave because he'll do it to you. Now listen, Diamond Dave also is roadie for Pantara. So speak up. His ears aren't working. He's also the pilot for Little St. James, okay? So you've got to specify no sex stuff.

Oh, Damon. That was Mr. Rooker's name there. Michael Rooker's character is Damon. So he's like, yeah, just call this number and say, Damon needs the plane. But yeah, that gets totally shot out of this guy. So basically the idea is like, oh, if we go down to where

the fucking Magic Stone is, which we were at, before we will be able to destroy it thus freeing us a fantasy island I guess so they all kind of go and at this point they also think Julia who's actually Michael Pena's wife is the

mother of the guy that died but that's also not true so that's just a red herring yes and so they're saying like oh if we can't stop her meaning Julia maybe we can stop the island so it's yeah destroy the spring destroy the fantasies so we just go back into

this cave and this is the dumbest thing this movie could do and I know it's a trope but like it's never executed this poorly the trope of like we're going to go into like a haunted cave and then get separated they start walking away from each other immediately. Like you

can still see the entrance to the cave and Jimmy Yang just wanders off and no one says anything. Also this slows down to a crawl like I felt like we were in this fucking cave for half the movie. Well because it tries to scary again and we we fucking like uh jason blum just fucking went under his bed was it

oh here's a scary version of somebody does that fit in this movie not really but it does because like Porsche double day has to like face her evil self or something her old yeah that's something yeah i don't quite get it look i agree with you guys but also watching mr cardboard drown his father is easily the funniest thing that is in any it is uproarious watching him drought his father as he flails up and he's like sorry dad i have to kill you it's just the way it is i will i should yeah we should mention that the father the father survives like they thought that what was it jimmy yang had the grenade oh right and yes it was like someone got shot and got he grabbed the grenade and everything was fine with it and the father

was like oh good thing that grenade didn't fly off because i would obviously have to die from it. Right, right, right. Then he gets shot by somebody else randomly. It's like, oh, no, my dad. And then zombie dad. Oh, that is the hilarious thing is during the whole siege, he gets to actually be a hero because he keeps shooting Kim Coats and all the zombie guys while Jimmy Yang and

Mr. Cardboard, like, get the fuck out of there kind of a thing. So he sacrifices himself that way. Yeah, it is right. I will say, Chris, I will, I see your bet, but I'm going to raise you the end of Mr. cardboard is funnier than that, which we'll get to in two seconds. It's pretty good, too. But the thing with this, like, Sloan clone that happens here,

Porsche Double Day's characters, Sloan. So I wrote Sloan clone in my notes. You know, yeah, it's so dumb. I think it's like, yeah, it's like her personality, like, because it's still her as an adult. So it's not like her yelling at a teenager. It's also

Portia Doubleday staring at. She's doing this Groucho Marx bit. I was screaming. She's doing the duck soup. get the hell out of here. She does a suck soup. She's doing an evil smile, too. Again, it's just not this movie, and this movie is nearly over, by the way.

It's like being us for five seconds. Yes, exactly. Also, the other, there is another hilarious thing, though, and it's Maggie Q, seeing this fake daughter murdering the man with a rock. Yeah, that's kind of fun. I'll take a good evil kid thing. that wasn't half bad and they all wind up in this chamber oh actually after he drowns his dad

lucy hale you now realize evil she stabs the fuck out of this dude which should be his death but then again his real death is so much better so i guess i forgive it uh yeah mr cardboard at this point we meet um because the the burn guy comes out oh right and then all there's a thing where like all of his burn chartness like flies away and it's this dude Nick who turned out to be Evan Evagora from Picard Oh there you go. Yeah

that's the guy. The little Romulan assassin. Yeah, Elnor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's this guy. He's in this movie for like two seconds. I suck shit and everything he does, huh? Holy shit. But yeah, so yeah, Melanie stabs Patrick

and kills him in it. Like that That's the way that the movie shows you the turn. Yes, that she's evil. Is her just like randomly stat, like, you got to do that better. You absolutely have to do that better than like a dark cave and one character just stabs another unprompted. And you have to be like, oh, now she's the bad guy. Yeah, she's the villain. Got it, I think.

And Michael Pena, like, kind of like, leaves them to their fate. But then you also find out. So Michael Pena's deal is he wanted to find Fantasy Island with his wife on the long perilous journey. Maybe this is hundreds of years ago. His wife died. And so now as his fantasy, every day or every couple of weeks, she respawns and then slowly dies again. Like what a fucking dream come true, man. Like, I don't know.

Get me off this fucking Hell Island. And that's dude. And that's his monkey's part, right? because he says, he says, my fantasy was to see my wife again exactly as she was the day I met her. Yes. Which means she doesn't recognize him. Yeah, she's like Kate Winslet coughing and all these scenes. And that's like most of her acting. And it's just like, I don't know, man, at the end of this sort of thing is she's like, you have to give them another wish. You have to break the rules. Like, I can't. If I do that, I'll lose you. And it's like, you're not losing

anything. She's fucking, she dies every day. It's. Terrible. It's a nightmare. Who are you? Who are you? It's like, dude, you are married to a fruit fly now, man. Like, come on. Yeah, it's so, and it's so funny, though, because when he says that to this ghost figure, whatever she is, even she looks at him like, are you kidding me? Look at what we're doing right now. I'm coughing up blood and dying in a cave and you're like, you want this forever? And I do this again tomorrow? That sucks. So he releases or he renounces his wish. Yeah, certainly does. This is when there's a big fucking, you know, parlor scene, again, led by Lucy Hale, not so great. Which is like, I was it out the whole time and all of you are bad. There is a hilarious part around here, though, where like Lucy Hale is looking at the big, whatever it is. it's not a gem but

the fountain and the little reflecting glass where you're seeing all the fantasies and shit and like we've already learned like as the audience what that is you know you're staring at this glass thing and it's like there's your fantasy and there's a part where that's happening

and Melanie's looking at the thing and all the rest of the characters are like wow what is that and Sloan goes it's reflecting her fantasy and I'm like no shit everybody knows this already the movie knows it like these clunker lines like that

in this script are so terrible well yeah because she she's looking at pictures of her getting back with her lame husband she's like oh yeah yeah that's what I want that's definitely what I want I don't want that guy's great dick anymore I don't want that anymore I just want my lame husband back yes yes yes but so in like the

the laziest way in the sloppiest way they try to conclude this whole thing is you know, Pena's whole rule is like everybody only gets one fantasy and then the idea is because Portia Doubleday's character Sloan wasn't part of the fantasy island crew

she never had a fantasy tailored to her she was kidnapped and brought to the island because of Lucy Hale's plan and so she hasn't made a fantasy so they're like, quick, just drink this water from the fountain then you can have a fantasy and she's like got it takes a sip of the water from Michael Rooker's little container

and then just doesn't say anything. Again, this is like Diana making the wish in Wonder Woman 84, like doesn't say shit and then all of a sudden zombie boyfriend jumps up out of the fountain and just grabs Lucy Hale and pulls her under the water and I'm like

what really? That's the movie. You consider that of fantasy and that happens and you didn't even say anything? This water, what's going on down there is just ridiculous at this point because also the grenade that is now fine but the pin was put back in

Michael Pena tossed that in there to like so they can't blow it up and now that comes into play here because doesn't Lucy grab it or whatever yeah something comes doesn't she come back out it's like a one more scare kind of a thing but if this movie was scary it's not yeah it's the one last scare for sure

the grenade comes back out and this dude just jumps on it and it is hard hardy hard hard hard man obviously narratively, you know, it's Mr. Cardboard jumps on it. And he dies and he's dead forever, which is good. Did he know that we could all run? I mean, I appreciate it, I guess, but I would have run.

I think, okay. Okay, thank you. And they use the stupid grenade explosion as this dumb excuse to like reset everything. Because after that happens, it just cuts and Maggie Q wakes up in bed again. But like, it's not a reset because they're all. wearing the same dirty-ass clothes from yes that were in the cave like jimmy o yang's got a ratty-ass t-shirt on they all look like shit so i was like why what the hell happened wouldn't that be your fantasy like this never fucking happened and this lady just you know what i mean like yes right hans and

still fucking dead right hanson's dead mr cardboard's still dead it's just dumb and then so yeah like they go back to mr warwick's thing to like wrap everything up and he's just like well you know i'm going to stay on Fantasy Island. They do a thing. I guess there is a fantasy island like VIP, you died here, wall of fame that they have. That's nice.

Because Michael Pena puts up this framed photograph and help me figure this one out, okay? It's a framed photograph of Mr. Cardboard and Cardboard Senior that is taken by one of these fantasy

soldier guys. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. where did Michael Rooker get the photograph print out to put in this frame like what are you like did anyone pay attention to anything

the fantasy photo developing place yeah the stone did it the stone one hour fantasy island stone one hour fantasy photo yeah one hour fantasy photo exactly I was like how

how does this man get his hands on this photograph and it's a weird thing where it's like So it's that picture, and then they sort of pan really quickly. And you see there's also a frame photograph of Michael Peña and Julia. And my thing was because there's also two other photos above it that you can't see. Like they're just out of focus. I was like, for a half second, I was like, oh, fuck, there's going to be a picture of Ricardo Montaubon and Hervey Villashezschez.

Right? But they didn't go that deep into it. But I thought for a second the movie would, because I mean, like, you know, Like, it's shitty enough of a movie that that would be totally valid. I would have liked to seen Michael Rooker and his daughter. Yeah, sure. Why not? Oh, yeah.

Well, that's too bad. So, like, the survivors are leaving, you know, and, you know, Michael Pena is like, well, you know, I got to stay behind and still just guard the island, I guess. And then Jimmy O Yang in this weird turn is like, well, boy. I sure wish my brother was coming back with us and he's like did someone say wish it feels like that and I guess the idea is like

Pena decides to grant him this but the tradeoff is like he has to stay on the island so like magically like because what's her face Maggie Q and Porsche Double Day are in the plane and the door closes and they're like oh hang on a second like Brax didn't get on and then in the

front seat like JD turns around alive and he's like yeah I don't think he's coming so are we all now living is this gym all jimmy yang's fantasy no I think because they can't be like that well it's a trade off like he's damned to only be on the island now in order for his brother to live and there was talking the start of the movie that jimmy felt like a burden on his brother because he was living in the same house etc so i guess this is a way for him to be financially dependent as a you know almost a ghost i guess because now he's dead on the island i guess is the but like but like is jd like one day going to be like

all of a sudden has a heart attack and then his eyes go black and they streamed down that's a great question that's what that's what i'm guessing is that one day he gets you know accidentally shot by somebody or when he dies he dies of old age and he's a grampy in the coffin with black guys and gets up and starts fucking biting people. Yeah, I mean, I think the problem here, guys, is we're really trying to make heads or tales of the film

Fantasy Island. Blumhousers Fantasy Island? Thank you so much. Oh, pardon me. Blumhout. You got Blumhouse. I had my name on that. That's Blumhouses. Sorry. You can't take that from the work fridge. You got Blumhouses

also what they say when they sue you. Coming soon to a lawsuit near us maybe but yeah so then it's like the little like last joke is you know we are revealed that he's like oh I just got this really stupid tattoo when I was in college

and he pulls back his shirt and it's just a tattoo that says tattoo and then Michael Pena starts calling him tattoo you know we're going to have a lot of fun adventures on this fantasy island aren't we tattoo? You get it everyone? Exactly.

Like, Michael Rooker should just come out, like, you know, he's not in the scene. He's, like, superimposed, like, kind of comes out in front of the frame. Like, is everybody paying attention? It's tattooed. I mean, it doesn't really matter. I'm an NPC at this point, but I'm also Michael Rooker. Hi, goodbye. Would you like to buy my wares?

It's force ghosts of, like, Michael Rooker, Dr. Torture, Mr. Cardboard, all them Russian assassins, and they're all just waving. Hi, I'm Michael Rooker. Would you like to board your horse with me? But also, Ryan Hansen might be a bloodthirsty, like, soulless zombie person. Not even black sludge, but like, you know, brought back from the dead. That's not natural. Like, the real Ryan Hanson died on that island. I don't know what came back.

And this ex-girlfriend, he's going to reconcile which with Lookout, Lady. Oh, man. And what happens if she gets knocked up, though, dude? Then it's like a half-person, half monster. Wait, that's the girl from the internet. intro in the fucking Blumhouse logo. That's it. That's their baby. Their demon baby.

Makes good sense. Yep. Blumhouse's demon baby though, dude. You cracked it, Eric. Don't take that from the work fridge. That's Blumhouse's demon baby. The work fridge. Oh, Christ.

Would anybody recommend this movie? Steve Sadek? We'll start with you. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I mean, there's some fun. It's kind of a seeing as believing, I guess.

Like, I had fun with the first time around. I certainly didn't have fun with it the second time around but like it's just such a mess of a movie like you really so it's a no I'm gonna say no but I will say like if this was even like a horror vignette movie that'd be so much better you know what I mean like a real deal like Richard Brake as fucking

as Mr. Rourke kind of a thing like something creepy and like it's just a bunch of like stories gone wrong that's okay I also think much it would be much better just as a straight comedy but this middle of the road I don't even know what it's it's where shit totally

Uh, Chris Cabin. Watch it once. Yeah. That's all. Just, it's not, I can't say it's good. Uh, it's pretty bad. But it is so surprising. And the first time I, I, I watched it.

I really watching it, I paid attention the whole time because I was like, I don't believe this is happening. Uh, and I don't see many movies that actually make me feel that way that much anymore. Uh, so, so I, I give it a pass. Uh, see it once and never think about it. again. Well, yeah, I agree with Chris here. Uh, it's, it's, it's kind of almost a seeing as believing. It's, it's not, it's not good by any means, but, uh, the tonal shifts are really bizarre enough to check out one time. You know what? I'm, I'm going to, I'm going to change my vote. You know what? Uh, I'm going to say it's, you renounce your vote. Yes, I renounce my

vote. It's seeing is believing. I do, because I did like it the first time and I was excited about it the first time. It's just that second time will really kill you. So I'm, I saw it for the first time today and I'm sure if I saw it again during the same year it would be a slog. Exactly. So just a just a one timer for me. Yeah I think we're all in agreement here.

Like one and done. Yeah, the second time around knowing everything that happens it really, that shine kind of came off of it. That's why at the start of this I was trying to encourage people to watch it before we spoiled everything. But even though we talked about most of it, there is

stuff in there that we did not really talk about and and I think still seeing some of this stuff executed including Michael Rooker tackling this guy off the cliff is just there are some things in there that you were just like I have to applaud this movie for not caring about how little it makes sense how crazy all of these turns are you know so like there's that to it but the bummer of this movie and I think Steve your idea about having it be a you know a serial kind of film instead uh or that's not what I'm trying to say. What do we call them movies now?

What are we called their? Like a creep show kind of movie. Anthology horror movie. Yeah, anthology horror. Yeah, if it was like an anthology thing, I'd be totally fine because then you don't have to worry about these tonal changes as much. But like the tonal changes as they are like weaved throughout, you know, this movie jumping back between like family drama, weird war thing,

torture porn, hostile movie, you know, party down comedy. movie like it just it's so weird and it doesn't like your brain doesn't know what to think when it's watching yes and then Michael Rooker's there too on top of it and it makes even more crazy so yeah one and done I you know and I really hope there is not this trend

of like Blumhouse's Brady Bunch Blumhouse is all in the family like this is a bad idea to take like a weird old TV property and make it a horror movie so I hope that's not the plan for this I don't know I haven't heard any way I don't know I kind of

looking forward to Blumhouse as married with children. It sounds like a good one. That is Blumhouse's Fantasy Island from just this past year directed by Jeff Wadlow. If you want more We Hate Movies, of course, check out Patreon.com slash we hate movies. We've got a ton of stuff up on there this month, including a bonus.

We Love Movies episode for subscribers only on the most excellent Birds of Prey film. Oh, Eric Siska, we got a little, an animation damnation that's kind of up your way. Yeah, yeah, it's a very bizarre addition of, I don't know. I haven't seen the other Lego cartoon, so I don't know what I'm saying. But I saw this and it's fucking weird. The Star Wars Lego holiday special. It's on Disney Plus, and we're doing an animation damnation episode on it, which should be a lot of fun.

Totally. And then we also, of course, have on the Glebe Glasserie, a character named Mr. Bones, which is a droid we enjoyed making fun of. quite a bit. That's correct. That's also available this month. But also, most importantly, of course, is that the worst of 2020 month continues here on the show next week.

We got one more, Steve. Is that right? One more of these suckers? It concludes next week with Bad Boys for Life, which I've not seen yet. Oh, strap in for the sort of witchcraft that's in that movie. What? Okay, I'm excited. I'm into that.

There you go. Yeah, it's 50-50. Chris and I have also seen it. You guys have not. It's going to be interesting. I don't entirely hate that movie, but that's a conversation for next week. And we're going to have fun with it then. So until next week with Bad Boys for Life. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadak. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.