We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 535 - Warriors of Virtue

Episode Date: March 9, 2021

On this week's episode, the 2021 Listener Request Month rolls on as the guys tackle the baffling family fantasy adventure, Warriors of Virtue! How gross are those kangaroo lips? Why don't these creatures have personalities? And can someone keep this kid out of that restaurant? PLUS: Find out why you shouldn't get wrapped up with artistic doctors! Warriors of Virtue stars Mario Yedidia, Angus Macfadyen, Marley Shelton, Chao Li Chi, Doug Jones, Tom Towles, Lee Arenberg, and Dennis Dun; directed by Ronny Yu. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program. Are you fucking serious? It's Warriors of Virtue. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to we hate movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right. Listener request month continues to fuck our faces. We are talking. Warriors of Virtue from 1997 directed by Ronnie Yu, who we've covered his filmography on the show before. He's the director of Bride of Chuckie, Freddie versus Jason, stay tuned Formula 51. And then actually a good movie, Fearless with Jet Lee. Bride with white hair is good, too.

Yeah, I should say this Warriors of Virtue was his first film made, first English language film, first Hollywood film and yeah he did make a ton of like Hong Kong fantasy films before this that I have not seen this is the one no fewer than four people called it in this year but people calling in every single year and many calls were like well just making my yearly call for Warriors of Virtual like you know what dude leave me alone yeah like literally from the inaugural one I remember getting a call about this fucking movie well I'm on their side with this one a little bit. I mean, this is going to be something to come through, but

it's a rich tapestry. It's a wonderful world we're transported to. It is absolutely not the past. I will give it that. And I will say we are currently one for one with apology emails. That very nice lady emailed us to apologize, which was unnecessary. We had

a lot of fun. Yeah, I will say though, another thing here to knock. I saw somebody having the time of their life on social media because I think they were like upset as like a closeted pest fan because they were like oh they think the pest is bad wait till they get to warriors of virtue nope sorry this movie this movie sucks a dog's dick but it is nowhere near the pest thank you very much yeah this movie sucks a dog's dick but it was a nice dog yes yeah just like that lady and that bobcat goldweight movie

Oh, yeah, what was that? Sleeping Dogs Lie? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to say movie titles going, oh, is it? It's actually not too bad of a movie, but, you know, she gets into some hot soup.

I remember liking it, yeah. Hey, let's listen to this fucking call real quick so then we can keep slamming on this kangaroo movie. Sure. Hi, this is Ryan from Indiana, and I'm requesting Warriors of Virtue. you can find it on Tobey television

This guy knows what's up Yep And if you pick this one I apologize But I think it'll be fun Thanks First of all Why not

Why call it something That you have to apologize for Don't bother Hey man don't bother No thank you Ryan Thank you Ryan Well because they enjoy Our torment a little bit

It's fine for sure Yeah so it's cool We're having fun I mean you know To be fair This movie is ridiculous. It's, it's, it shouldn't have been made. And we're gonna have fun talking about the kangaroo. It is pretty fascinating to, I mean, look, first of all, this movie, uh, I read

Roger Ebert's review. He's like, you know what? It's, he gave it two stars, which is amazing to me. God damn it. God. You know what? That guy, total legend, but sometimes you just fucking got it wrong, Raj. I mean, like, and he's like, you know, bad movie, this and that. Looks good, though. I'm like, Raj, did you get, did you miss your fucking eye appointment, dude? Like, What's going on? It looks like shit. These fucking effects that they're putting all over the frames. Get out of here.

I cannot turn down a movie with a bruised kangaroo face. I just can't turn it down. I mean, the costumes of the kangaroo men are all right. I think it's on par. Maybe not on par with Tank Girl, but almost there. Could we get a light on something? Could we get a fucking lamp? No, you can't.

No, you can't. Because, Steve, the second, those. light levels go just a little bit higher than they should be, you can see how much shittier it looks than it already looks. Like it looks shitty. This movie looks shitty. If you turn the lights on even more, it looks way shittier, dude. And they were like, listen, this is as bright as it can get. They can't see what we're trying to fucking do here. It's vampire rules. If you put too much light on it, I think just burst into flames. That makes sense. Because it's so cheaply made. We should say, speaking of a, you know, the fact that this movie never should have been

made. It's based on characters that were created by the Law Brothers who were four Chinese American brothers who were indeed practicing doctors, proving once again that non

creative people should not create. You know what I mean? Like we got into the situation with Easy Rider 2, right? That dude was just a fucking rich lawyer. This is the same shit. Stay out of it. I'm not going to go in for a blanket statement on the fact but I will say that I watched a 15 minute behind the scenes

a featurette about this movie and they do they interview two of them and like the guy is like yeah you know actually it's harder to be make a movie than be a surgeon you know it really

is because if you're in a surgery you control everything in a movie set forget about it I mean in one situation you control someone's life and the other thing somebody might not money their laundry the right way I mean, it's just, it's insane what could happen.

I agree with this, this gentleman. I think surgery, whatever, human life. Sure. This is more important. You live forever through this magical adventure of kangaroo. And this movie will exist for all time. That's right. And there are five people roaming this earth who played them

motherfucking kangaroos and have to admit that for the rest of their lives. And that's horrible. You're totally right. That's horrible. Scientifically accurate, by the way, this movie, 100%. You just said a learned doctor family created this, so I assume that this

is very sound. I mean, if you're an MD that means you're a total genius and you're good at everything. So just go for it. Right movies. You know, just go to your car mechanic, tell him what to do. By the way, putting MD in your fucking credits on your movies and fuck you.

It's an asshole move. It is an asshole move. Terrible. You show up. Just put your name on it. Just put your fucking name on the movie. to start introducing myself as Eric Siska, Bachelor of Arts, Cinema Studies. Oh, well, part B. Right, obviously, the unemployment office.

It's one thing, right, when it's like an entertainment industry-specific union, right? If someone's part of the PGA, someone's part of a cinematographer's guild, you know, editors guilds, whatever, that's the industry. If you're a fucking doctor or a goddamn dentist or a fucking ice cream,

truck driver that credit does not go on your movie credit should you get one oh man that Dennis K law wrote a fucking shitty movie um that's doctor Dennis K law please they're doing this all backwards because as a doctor you should know that you whatever your kid does you just pump a bunch of money to that your kid could be the film director that's the usual progression you got to have a family wealth first I would just love it if like you also like older actors like were able to put like their Elks Lodge number at the end of their names and stuff like that that would be nice like the Taoist stuff like I understand like why why they wanted to put that in this movie

but I mean at the same time like this is clearly just a cynical like I watched my kid watch that fucking Power Ranger crap I could do that I don't know five kangaroos in a forest give me a million bucks and someone did it someone literally did it uh okay and yeah i just uh watched the early pressin of this movie called velvet gold mine we're gonna have a villain that looks like an opening act from that movie dude he's what is happening with angus mcfadden in this movie he's coded a certain way yes he definitely is yeah he he definitely is and it's just like he's like high constantly like this this performance is like he's high and coming the whole time There's only one other performance I could really think of, and that is Eddie Redmayne in Jupiter ascending. Yes.

It is almost identical. It's really wild. You know, it's kind of close, and it's hard to gauge because it's a much smaller role. And I don't think it's entirely the same, but, oh, what's his face in Tron Legacy? Michael. Shannon. No. Michael Sheen.

Sheen. Yes, Michael Sheen, playing the ridiculous, like, club owner. in that movie and he's like dancing all over the place like it also reminded me of that a little it's a lot i mean we could start with the so we we open on uh a completely ponderous opening scene narration thing which is master chung is this gentleman's name right uh what what what are you talk about no it isn't what it's martha wayne those uh those pearls do drop the christmas point no because oh wow it took me a real long time to get there

cabin sorry I'm tired but you know like it's just like I remember once there wasn't war and then maybe one day there will be war and eventually war will come to war town there's one line that was very very of our time now which is

and now I see a dying land and the enemy grows stronger every day and I'm like yep you're telling me is there someone with the courage to step forward. That's the last line of it. And as soon as that line finished, I was like, the fuck was that guy talking about? Who was that man? It's like, I don't know. It's like a bunch of like garbage visuals and then this terrible kangaroo logo. Well, because like you see these, uh, whatever, they're beads obviously like for prayer beads or something. And they,

they draw, they might be anal beads. They fall to the floor and I'm like, were they talking? Like, you don't like, I don't know. I want to see a man if a man is talking. even just like a silhouette would be great a fucking a Hitchcockian silhouette You see a hand Maybe it's like making a little like face And like talking through the hand

They do repeat the shot later in the film I think it might be Master Chung Where it's like there's a figure in silhouette Like looking up at what appears to be the Aurora Borealis I don't know Man it looked like something you'd put on a poster like to you know one of those garbage things you'd see in a classroom that's like

reading is great and it's like a kid just staring up at a tree for some reason it just looked like one of those garbage posters we cut to suburbia my favorite thing which I only because I watched a little bit because again like I think I said this off the air like the second I watched this movie last night it all

escaped from my brain I don't remember a fucking thing it's like sand it's like beautiful sand that goes right down the drain but that proves that proves the magical realm is real. And it's just a racing because it's trying to keep itself a secret.

So I rewatched like the first 40 minutes just right before we did this. Because you love this movie. I caught this mother telling her son to make sure, telling this dog to make sure that her son eats breakfast. Oh, come on. She's like, come on,

Bravo. Okay. All right. Make sure Ryan eats his breakfast, Bravo. Bye. This woman doesn't care if this kid lives or dies. No. Also, it must dinner, Steve, because this is one of the dumbest I hate these tropes where it's like I'm such a bad cook, I screwed up microwaving

and he's like, because he's trying to eat like a lasagna. Well, at the beginning of the dog brings him toast while he's reading that awful comic book. Oh, yes, dude. Oh, wow, okay. He is straight up like taking a dirty ass shit or something on this time. Oh, that's right. He's seated.

Our hero is shown shitting his guts out, reading the comic book, and so entranced with you even hear like the sounds of the swords and whatever else that's coming out of this comic book i'm going to tell you some i'm good i'm going to tell you something here eric that lid was down he wasn't shit his guts out that was getting ready to pound his pud to this comic that to the right cabin i noticed that seat was down that kid was getting ready to jerk off maybe he's making a fucking feces pancake he's doing some he's about to do some of his own

little some of his own sword wielding yeah this kid loves it both kid gets really aroused by unfinished comics. This thing is like not even inked. There's no word bubbles. It's just like sketches. It's garbage because it's like you see at one point like there's a pile of comic books. And like I think they're supposed to be different comic books. But because they're all just like very like quick pen sketches,

it doesn't matter. Although in one of them I was pretty sure I saw a kangaroo or two. Oh. Yeah. A little foreshadowing. Yeah, just a little bit. Well, this kid makes this little shit pancake. Yeah.

These actually are not sold in stores. It's the man who lives up the road by himself. He makes them and he just gives him to me. I enjoy them very much. Hey, Ryan, I got a new issue for you. Yeah, this one's got kangaroos. All right, the next one, you've got to kill your parents and give me their money. but yeah you're totally right steve it is the morning because i guess instead of going to school

or something this kid just goes and hangs out at this chinese restaurant that i think is owned by dennis dunn the guy from like big trouble and he's in prince of darkness also he's playing ming in this movie he has a boss there's a guy who comes in at some point yeah he he starts yelling at him i think he's just and he even ryan says oh you're just a cook so i think he just works there and sleeps above it, which is also... Very weird. What is this relationship? Not great. That's what it is.

It's pushing it. That's what that relationship is. You see him making the... It was pretty cool. He's doing like kung fu making Chinese food, which is fun. Kung fu cooking. Kung fu cooking. But the way he treats these eggs, man, you're going to break that yolk.

You're going to break that yolk door out across the room. Yeah, don't appreciate that. well that's just because you just don't know control yet that's true you don't have his you know abilities so is the idea that this guy now he passes on what we come to find the manuscript of legend um to this kid is did he go to the kangaroo land

when he was younger is that the idea I don't that's a great question I mean I don't even know because the kangaroo land like doesn't even exist question mark yeah that's true I don't know what we're supposed to believe here at the end of the day. I think Ming is the first guy who, because yet, wait, because the name of the restaurant is Ming's, right? Yes. That's what I was saying. That's why he owned the restaurant.

Yeah, that's very strange. Maybe it's his dad. I don't know. Yeah, that's possible. Because the mom, after she fucks up this lasagna, is like, well, just give you some money and you can go to MINS. And he goes like, it's Mings. It's called Mings, you fucking racist real estate agent. I've never seen somebody so angry at a mispronunciation in my life. Well, he's very... But it's good.

That should happen. That's true. This mother is pretty fast and loose with these pronunciations. As the kid points out, she's like, he goes to her like, lady, we've eaten at this restaurant a thousand fucking times. You should know the name of it by now. you're god damn right kid

well just be glad i don't misspell the names on the rent check you little piece of shit i ought to fucking put some rat boys we should we should talk about this football game this kid which again it's not even like really established you just sort of see him at one scene and he's got this brace on his foot like three scenes in and you're like oh okay he's got you know some kind of condition i don't know if he i guess it's uh something congenital or something like i don't know

or maybe it was in an accident? Like, is it permanent? Is it not permanent? You have no idea. I think the movie, it doesn't know what caused it, but that is here to stay, Steve. Okay, got it. Yeah.

Not going anywhere? No, definitely not. He's not having some Forrest Gump-esque moment where he's running down the street and they fucking break off his legs or something. I was about to mention Forrest Gump, because it does look like the brace from Forest Gump.

Gump. And that was only a few years earlier. And we had Gump fever across the United States still to this day, honestly. Unfortunately. Yeah, there's still some there's some known cases of gum fever that pop up. Come down with a case of the gumps. Yeah, there's a new,

this is a heavy, a new mutant strain that's hard to break, you know? The, the European gump fever is very tough to break. Oof, you don't want that. They love getting gumped. They went to

Vietnam like 10 years earlier or whatever the story is war the story you know the thing about this football scene which we are introduced to with some searing

fart country music which I didn't expect from this movie and I love he's like he's given advice to the quarterback this kid's the water boy

obviously and so he's out there and he's like you know try to get the kid's attention, the quarterback, and he's like, all right, you know, do this, do that, you know, and it gives him like a decent play. And the kid like spits on his shoes. I love that. Oh, my Lord. I'm laughing. I'm laughing. So funny. Well, this is why you should never be the water boy. Like, I don't understand, like, I don't know how they get equipment managers and water boys. You're just putting yourself in harm's way. You know what I mean? It's a target on

your back. It's for kids who like to get verbally abused. That's just the way it is. like somebody somebody's going to yell at you somebody's definitely saying something to you I this I just looked this up because I was like because there's this one line the coach gives them a play and the kids like no the right tackle's been nailing me all day coach the coach goes listen kid I've played in a couple of football games and looks at the camera for nine minutes and then says I think I know what I'm talking about and I was like he has to be somebody he's Warren moon by the way oh that guy is Warren moon yes uh which is kind of hilarious, but I just find that because he's just like, kid, I've played in football games. Like, who are you? Well, that's terrible. Well, yeah, that's interesting because we actually, we did surgery on Mr. Moon and we helped his leg out a little bit. And he gave us a discount to play this part. And, you know, it's funny.

Acting is a little harder than surgery because, you know. Playing football, being a professional quarterback is just, it's on par with surgery, I would say, just the same. You know, you have to read the defenses, the body's defenses, those white blood cells. By the way, I love how vague it is, just surgery. We're not talking about, is it vital organs? Is it, what counts as surgery? Now, I once had my wisdom teeth removed, and they called that an oral surgery. sure yeah because it's surgery on your mouth yeah yeah but i'm just saying that's gotta what's that a tv show equivalent

or i'm not trying to find the bar here that it's a web series i think like guys who like would remove warts are also i think would go under surgeon and that you might be you might be able to question that one maybe you know what i'll say i'm done with surgeons Boyling a Lance is as difficult as making a TikTok video, I'm guessing. Oh, sure, yeah. Something, something bunions. You know, doing a brain transplant is a little easier than doing a podcast, okay? I do love, so he make, the guy makes the play and like his friend, Ryan's friend is just like, forget it.

No one's ever going to notice you, Ryan, let's get out of here. man. So they're walking home and he really did a good job man. And then they ride by on bikes and the kid yells out and the friend is like, hey Brian, Ryan, Ryan gave you the best

play, you idiot. And it's like, dude, don't fucking tell. Don't bring that guy over here. I don't need you standing up to this bully for me, especially after the fact. Also, the line here that the bully has is great because he goes, do you say something? Or

Did you fart? And then all the girls go, ha ha ha. These girls, these girls for most of the movie here are our bullies themselves. Yes. They enjoy, they revel in the bullying. This is your big, like, kid, just listen to your friend this one time and understand what's going to happen to you. Because they're like, hey, cool, we were thinking, man, you know, you gave me such great football advice today. why don't you meet us at 8 p.m. at this hideout area for your initiation and the friend is like hey we should definitely go home yeah this kid's like no now's my shot I gotta go hang out with him dude never I've said this before and it's a really important lesson never meet a bully at a secondary location never ever do it there's no reason to do it also and go ahead see it's school the areas are

around school, if you happen to see a bully outside of those areas, don't go in. Like, if you see, if you're riding around and you see your bully in a Wendy's, don't go in that Wendy's because there's no teacher to save you. That's true. No, it's like fucking Lorraine Brocko if she went in and actually looked at the dresses. Yeah, if, you know, it's bad news. If your friend does something like this, it is like, you know, he deserves the credit. The best case scenario, I know it sounds weird, but the best case scenario is if the bully says blow

it out your ass or just beats you up those are actually the best situations and the girls by the way at this point are bully bait because they're just like yep yeah we're gonna be there tonight this kid's like we're all gonna get laid tonight also like how old like are these kids versus the other kids my question because like yeah he's got you know he's got the leg and they're like yeah you're not on the football team this kid looks like he's nine and the other kid's 17 yeah yeah that's weird I mean, because at least like, you know, when I played football, this was going to mention when you're talking about the water boy thing, Steve, here was the worst, it was way more embarrassing because it wasn't like some kid who was just doing it. It was the two absolute worst players on the team were also the water boys. The kids that never played, they would maybe get like one play a game. They were also just by default, the water boys. And it was degrading. Dude, you quit, quit that, dude. You know what you do in that situation?

Like football so much, they have video games for football, my friend, and they are awesome. Yeah, you could always just watch it at home. They play on Sundays usually. By the way, the friend, his little friend, one of the lines, now these little kids have like this weird ratatatat, snappy dialogue. It makes no sense that they would ever have the brain to produce this stuff. I don't think any adult would either, but it says like, you're meeting them at 8 o'clock. You're crazy, man.

I mean, Lucifer thinks this guy is a little extreme. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, Lucifer. Come on. Absolutely. This guy who spit on your shoe. That guy, Lucifer sees him as like, fuck. Damn, that guy is hardcore.

Hey, man, I just possessed a little girl and made her kill her whole family. Hey, man, you should be spitting on people's shoes. Hey, hey, relax. It's a little extreme for old Lucifer there, buddy. Spitting on shoes like that. That's fucked up, man. You should take a walk, get your head right, man. It's not cool.

Actually, honestly, one of these days I'm going to have to retire. And seeing you spit on that shoe, you might be the right candidate. You might be the next devil. I mean, here's the deal, man. Like, we can't talk through the logistics right now because I got to appear to a young seven-year-old boy down in Chile and convince him to burn his village to the ground. But I want to wrap back on this, man, because that is some twisted shit. spitting on a shoe my goodness

so yeah the plant the data set at 8 p.m. we're going to meet these fuckers somewhere he goes home for a little bit this is when the mom burns this lasagna and she's like you know what let's just let's give you money for your Chinese food because I got to go work tonight she's a real estate broker here's the thing he's like

when is dad getting home and I'm like great question and also is this is this dad dead? Are they divorced because she just kind of brushes it off like what you think I'm not a good cook I'm like no who is his father I thought one of the kangaroo people were going to be revealed to be

one of his fathers or whatever I mean and here's the thing right what is this a kangaroo esk mama Mia yes yes they they swapped come together or they I guess what was Mama Mia they just all did it the same night

with her yeah mama me I'm fat kangaroos oh my No, I fought five kangaroos. Mama Mia. Let me tell you something right now. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I watched that movie over the weekend, Mama Mia.

Was it hot as fuck? It fucking rules, dude. That movie is, it's front-to-back non-stop entertainment. I had a fucking blast with it. Absolutely. But yes, it is sort of like a kangaroo gangbang. Definitely. I definitely was getting those vibes while watching Mamma Mia.

Maybe his leg is just a kangaroo. tail or something that he's trying to keep straight. Dude, if he just, like, it was revealed that he's like a kangaroo at the end of the movie, like he grows his own little tail, like it pops out of his jean shorts or some shit. Oh, wow. I thought he... I honestly... Vomiting, exactly. I thought he was going to transform

at the end or something. I thought he was going to stay forever. Whatever one Doug Jones is playing, have him turn into that one. He plays the silent one who doesn't speak for most of the movie. The other thing with this, too, that would make it interesting with the dad, right, is take a note from

beloved cartoon classic The Newzels make it so that his dad disappeared one day, right? And then it turns out the dad the reason why he's so close with Ming is because Ming and the dad were buddies and Ming holds the

secret to the dad's whereabouts. The dad is stuck in this fucking kangaroo book and he goes and saves him. That'd be something. I'm going to... It would be anything. I'm going to give you an alternative idea here where she's giving, she's showing this house. pretty late at night. This looks like 7.38 p.m. is what I'm looking at. I think she is a realtor for

vampires. And her husband is the king vampire of this area. Right. Or she's the real estate agent for people who went to work during the daytime. Absolutely not. Also known as vampires. Or a third theory, she's fucking Peter Gallagher on the reg like American Beauty style, dude. Fair enough. Wow. I'd rather see that. God damn you, Steve, making me think of that fucking trash movie. I don't know which I'd rather

rewatch less. Warriors of Virtue or American Beauty. I thought you were going to say, would you, I thought you said you'd rather fuck a kangaroo than Peter Gallagher. Oh, what are you fucking crazy? It's Peter Gallagher. I'm not that. That's why I thought it was surprising. I think,

if somebody's got to, you all listeners are good at video. Could somebody do the American Beauty garbage bag scene with West Bentley but cut in Warriors of

virtue whether he's just crying about warriors just a kangaroo dancing around it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen

kind of a thing you know that joke right guys yeah it's trash yeah oh it's total trash so Ming

who I like to think of as like this movie's Nat from 90210 101 right like he's the buddy that works at a restaurant

that you can go to and get some sage wisdom from. Nato 2 and O had the good grace to never film a scene where Brandon has to go up to Nats bedroom and have a talk with him in his bedroom. Dude, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on there. It's really weird. That's also why

I think it's definitely this dude's restaurant because he's living above it. That's just more like a hey man, if you if you promise to fucking clean the rat traps, you can take the storage shed and we'll get a cot for you. I don't know if I would agree with you, Steve, if it, if it, if it, like, looked shittier than this does. It's kind of a nice studio apartment.

Well, his view is the kitchen. That window faces the kitchen. It's still an apartment in a restaurant that's definitely illegal. I'm not saying that. And listen, I love egg rolls and whatever, but you're never getting the smell out of anything in your apartment. Oh, no, no, no, at all. Yeah. I mean, that's if you lived in any restaurant, that's the case.

You're just going to smell like the food they cook. Because he's like, because Ryan goes over and he's like, hey, Ming. And again, like, I don't know, dude, the counter is that way. Don't come in a fucking kitchen during dinner service because he knocks at it. Someone who seems like Ming's boss, Ming does some kung fu cooking and catches all the plates. And he's like, hey man, why don't we go upstairs and have a conversation? Everybody in that restaurant is like, what the fuck is going on? You know that kid who's in here all the time?

Like, he's up in that fake makeshift apartment there that Ming was. lives in. No, this time we have to call the cops. I'm sorry. This has happened like three times before we have to call the cops. At a certain point, you become responsible. Exactly. You can't just turn a blind die. You're an accomplice. Like for all the FBI knows, you're filming this shit. Look, for all the FBI

knows indeed. Look, the pork will be mushoed. Don't worry about it. We have to call the police. Oh, yeah. Dude, and he's telling this. He's telling this kid some garbage story about like this one time he like ripped a cocoon open and the fucking animal inside died and I'm like, what are you doing? Um, hi, we're going to have to evacuate your table. The FBI is going to be doing a sting at about five minutes. Um, we're going to comp your meal.

Um, we'll even wrap it up for you. Okay. Thank you so much. Yeah, bring in another kid. Let's see if he takes the bait. Um, hi. Yeah, uh, this restaurant's going to be closing. Yeah, I don't know how we survive this

So yeah, the FBI is coming And this place is closing and we have no more jobs Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye everybody The health department gave us an X Which is not an A, B, C, or D It's actually an X because something Untoward happened in the attic So, yeah, you know, we should have seen this coming

When we agreed to work at a restaurant called Ming's Diddleshack, but... And what was cooking was not the food. More at 11th. It's the same rating they give places that serve actual human flesh. So it's kind of an honor in a way. And I was just thinking, like,

imagine being a cannibal restaurant, but like you're a bad cannibal restaurant. That's unfortunate. What, like undercooked or something? Yeah, totally. Like you just, it's bad service, bad food. no those places you need to have a good seer like no matter what you're doing you have to make sure you have a good

I would love a good seer on a nice human steak oh you gotta go meat rare oh yeah of course because I respect the ingredient of course I'm an aristocrat somehow that sounded like a three stooges jokes that's a good fellow's joke but yes oh yeah of course we just watched that movie

sorry everybody my brain's dead we we have a three hour episode on goodfellas this month on our patreon um so we're breaking into this old tunnel you know whatever he meets these fucking bullies uh and there this is i i had to i had to just stop everything it was like a pause and i got up i to get you know another drink after this because so the buddy is also there and the kid is like he's you know he's trying to tell this Ryan kid you know hey we really shouldn't break into this tunnel you know they're like all right you guys got to go first you take the flashlights and go first into the tunnel and this kid's freaking out and he's worried that these bullies are going to quote make hot dogs out of our weaners with meatballs on the side this kid

is fearing. He's fearing full castration from these bullies. Well, I'll be honest, if you did something like that, that would show real promise. We would be going right up the ranks in an organization like mine.

Well, I mean, you know, if you cut their genitals off and fed them to them, I'd retire right now and give you the keys to the kingdom. Look, are those homemade buns? This is just, I am impressed beyond words. Well, the thing is like,

If they're bullies and they're making hot dogs out of their weaners, it would be like more bullish, I think, to eat that in front of them instead of letting them and eat the hot dog. Oh, oh, what is this ragu you have the testicles in? It's marvelous. What would you, like a human penis hot dog? What happens we think in here? Spicy mustard.

You want to drown out some of that flavor. Oregon chili. Oh, yeah, dude, chili dog might be a good rude, really hide that fucking shaft as it goes down your throat. But the kid is worried because, like, when they meet up in this dark alley, the kid's like, the bully is like, the main bully is like, we're going to play follow the leader and you're the leader, which is I think what happened with the last thing the fucking the, the, the Paradise Lost Murder is heard. Oh, my God. Like, literally, it's just like, dude, I'm getting the. fuck out of here. I mean, yeah, you're not wrong.

It is creepy, right? Like, it actually sort of, I don't know why it reminded me of this because they're like, we're going to play follow the leader and you're the leader. It reminded me of that Simpsons gag where they wrap a millhouse and a bunch of Joe Quimby bumper stickers. They're like, the mummy's ready for his inaugural journey. Mystical voyage, I think. Oh, mystical voyage. Is that what it is?

Oh, man, it's so great. but uh so we go in and it's like it's initiation time and anytime i hear the words again like i would have been not anywhere near the situation because i i don't need to be initiated to anything thank you very much well i don't of course not i i want to hear what you're offering me what is what is this organization what do what kind of protection am i getting i want to hear it all before i start doing whatever you want me to do in this place that's a good question too right is like not only like like, what am I gaining from this? But, like, what is expected from me?

Beyond crossing this, like, narrow pipe that's over a bunch of raging sewer water, uh, like, like, where are we going from there? You know, like, what am I being initiated to exactly? Is the ultimate goal to overthrow the school? Cause I'm not in if that's it. But like, if it's the point is to like take over like the morning announcements, maybe. Guys, guys, I'm going to break your hearts a little bit here. but I don't think there was an end game for this initiation.

I think it was more just a bully situation. Yeah. It was never getting initiated, guys. Because, yeah, the idea is they're in a water pipe factory or some such thing. I don't know what's going on. And there's an enormous toilet in which he has to walk over on a narrow pipe and graffito tag the opposing wall. And Brad, the lead bully is like, hey man, we all had to do. it dude and the girl

who he likes the most is like come on Brad you're being a jerk and his friend Ryan's friend Chuckie says why don't we make like Tom and Cruz oh boy oh boy what the shit is that what the shit is that that's what happens you know what it is that's what happens

when the fucking four idiot doctors come up with an idea for a movie now this kid's got a team of writers working for him he like every time he goes away from all right see you later and then he goes back to the writer's room and they fucking work on the evening's material. Well, that's, I mean, this will tell you

exactly why fucking Rye is so like tempted by the bullies. He's got this fucking deal with most of the time. This fucking one-liner factory. Of course, I want to fucking maybe dangle myself over a mystical toilet. You know, you know, Rye,

I wouldn't go over that pipe, but looks as slippery as Monica Lewinsky's dress. Oh, oh. Bob, boom, bo, pop, pop. The trust was slippery with cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what? I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it right now.

Jesus Christ. Okay, you can leave now, Chuckie. Jesus. I don't know. Is it weird that Chuckie started hanging with Kevin Eubanks? I looked up both of the screenplay writers here, Michael Vickerman and Hugh Kelly.

Hugh Kelly appears to have attached himself to a some sort of direct-to-VHS franchise called Cade. which was a the first one at least was a Lou Farragno vehicle and oh what a surprise he returned for Cage

to the arena of death that might be something right up our alley and then the other guy Michael Vickerman has written a bunch of stuff that's all nothing

so yeah no surprise here we're getting fucking lines like let's make like Tom and Cruz it sounds like the correct pedigree

because this is nothing as well so he decides to do it against Chuckie and everyone else's wishes. Because Brad goes to the other side. Like, come on, man. It's so easy to do. And again, like, this kid's got like a leg thing.

It's, you know, it's not very easy for him. No, of course not. And like, this bully should be brought up on murder charges. I think at the end of the movie, we are to presume that he's just found dead later. Like, there's just a little Brad's skeleton there. Because what's your bully end game? Like, yeah, your bully end game is like, oh, I pants that kid. and look at everybody had to look at his weaner, L.O.L.

Or I made everybody know that kid's an idiot by dropping his tray. This is murder. Like, this kid goes in the water. No one's going to save him. That's what his over, the bully is overactive. Like, no, what you do? When he falls in the water is pretty amazing. And also, when they come back at the very end, Andrew, these two little kids say,

eh, you think we should call 911? Yeah, let's do it. So they save him presumably. That's fucked up. for dead. You know who to this is the end of your football career. You know who doesn't have a story about killing a little kid, Aaron Rogers.

You know what I mean? That we know of. Because they covered it up, dude. Every single one, every person in the NFL, oh, definitely. They're eating end of cream or whatever else. Why do you think Aaron Rogers grew that mustache, man, to disguise himself after he murdered that kid? Exactly. No, you guys, you just aren't seeing the full chessboard,

okay? Clearly, this full football player the night before took the father down to the same one and made him do the same thing and drowned him in that place. So both the son and the father have been drowned here. He's working for the mother. And finally, she's going to go off to Cancun and have a fucking time for once. Wait a second, though. So you're saying that Brad, this teenager, murdered the father? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Two Jeffers with the same toilet. With the same Water hole. Brad is up,

Brad Johnson is up on charges for the Jeffers slayings that happened in town just two weeks ago. Mother Jeffers still M. I.A. presumed dead. She might be one of these ladies

that wants to have sex with the teenage kids and she's running off with the bullied in league with Satan. Oh man. Hey man, if you fuck that guy's mother after you kill him, you might be the new thing. I don't know. Chuckie was right

dude. You are fucking twisted. Get this dude. Then he knocks her up and that's the fucking spot. That's the actual devil's son in her belly. Look, I'm saying I would have preferred the cock hot dogs.

I would have preferred that. But this will do in lieu of that. I love that we're like 45 something minutes into this. We still haven't gotten to the land of Tao. We're too busy talking about fucking cock dogs. The cock dogs are important.

It's a rich tapestry. So he does literally fall down this hole and he wakes up somehow in the land of town. There, Eric, is that soon enough for you? Thank you. Oh, the land of town. Do you mean cheap dagoba? Yeah. And we also even get

an Ewok village. Yes, we definitely do actually. The tree house or it's Kai Shook or whatever. Yeah, dude, we're talking like tree houses. So we got Kashik, the Ewak village itself on Endor. And then he does wake up

right by this fucking bog, which is what made me think of Dagaba. It's just we're, there's another hilarious Star Wars ripoff coming in a line of dialogue like later in the movie. I think these screenwriters and these dudes creating these characters all just clearly loved Star

Wars just a little bit. Oh yeah. They love money and the possibility of making it. Also that. but yeah the I had a huge laugh right here because he's immediately like set upon by like woodsman scumbags that we learn are like the you know just the grunts for the the main villain here and some dude like the kid starts running away some dude throws a spear and hits him in the back hilarious this kid I mean it hits his backpack but it still makes him fall over dude I was laughing hysterically dude yeah you man you fucking wind up in the wrong enchanted forest

you're fucking dead dude dead with trespassing also by the way this whole land it's kind of Mario brothers ask in the way that you take a sewage pipe to get there yeah you don't you don't hear the noise well because instead it was just a toilet flush sound that's a good point Mario Mario Mario and Luigi Mario they smelled like stinking hot shit all the time the kids just hanging around he just has a huge turtle shell on his fucking arms a whole time looking around he he realizes that his leg

works and he's like and he doesn't have the he doesn't have the brace and he starts he has a moment of joy until Michael J. Anderson like starts to like jump him and like choke him to death sort of it's a weird little scene for Michael J. Anderson

even curing the leg in this magical land seems a little weird to me I thought maybe the point would be like he learns like he can still be all he can be despite the leg you know like yes the fact that it's like oh I'm cured in this land and that's why I'm having great adventures and now back to reality that's right dude he the lesson that he learns is that he's completely irrelevant to society unless he is in this fantasy world yeah that's exactly the line here too when he realizes his leg I mean this this kid

shockingly went on to leave acting a year later uh but he realizes the leg isn't uh you know damaged anymore and he goes it works yes and then this little like showboating moment of him like dancing around and he's pretending to play football all alone i i feel this is he's a disgusting shit boy we haven't said it yet he's a class a disgusting shit boy and this moment right here i was like disgusting shit boy alert i'm not gonna object but i will say you do we do have to pay attention he does he is also a floppy-haired chosen one which we do love oh that's true. So it's like, it's like half and half there. And I'm telling you, half and

half's not enough. I'm not eating that cock, hot dog. I feel like they, like, during this montage, they had to take out like everybody dance now because it was costing too much. The laws couldn't take it. Yeah, because he's just like, oh, yeah,

Jeffers goes for the score. Yeah, this is Jeffers, big run here. Yeah. Oh, no. and how I'm getting tackled by Michael J. Anderson. Dude, what is Michael J. Anderson up to in this movie? A whole lot of nothing. Like, he's supposed to be like a sneaky little, like, backstabber kind of character.

I don't know, though. I mean, I guess he's in cahoots with the main guy because we also meet Marley Shelton's character right here. He's in Coots with everyone, because at the towards the end of the film, he's like, oh, the ruse needs you. Yeah. Who the fuck knows? I think he's a fair weather kind of ally here, right? Like, whichever way the fucking wind's blowing, dude, he's right there with you. Smart.

Fucking little front runner. God damn him. He did not return for Twin Beaks because he made up claims that David Lynch raped his daughter. So that's the end of that. That's the end of that. I think I heard that his like Facebook posts were like insane. Yeah. Look that.

That's what I heard. I didn't hear the thing about Lynch's daughter. Oh, I did. yeah oh really he also said that he engineered the murder of jack dance as well and like david lynch's daughter just came out and he's like i sure hope mike gets the help he needs by everybody that's all i'll say oh yikes poor jennifer lynch i know it's just like that's how you get turned into a tree you fuck around too much you get turned into a tree uh and then marley Shelton. I mean, she's from, like, deathproof.

She is in Never Been Kissed. I do also remember. Sugar and Spice. Yes. Sugar and Spice. Yep. She's a good actress. Oh, she was, yeah, she's the cop in, she's like the new cop character in Scream Ford, and she's actually not bad in that either. So I do, I do like her. I get, though, just nothing to do in this movie, really. But she is sort of like, I mean, pretending. to be in line with the Rue community.

Because she saves him and she tells Michael J. Anderson go, fuck off. And he does. And she's like, let me take you back to my village, which is protected by these warriors of virtue who are the Rues and Master Chung, who is their splinter, who's just a guy. I mean, the thing is like, it's everyone's just people except for these five fucking kangaroos. and a rhino guy and a water buffalo guy

and that is it those are wily beast and mosley yes and they love each other yes which is cool is that right I don't know they were like dancing

on each other and stuff I got that vibe too I thought they were fucking which is cool I'm you know I think they should get married I think a rhino should marry a war dog or will be by the way this movie

obviously massive sexual awakening for yard bunch oh you okay um wait so wait is the is why is wily beast the like bull or is mostly the bull that's a great question does it here's a follow-up question chris does it matter yes because he he's the one who gets more screen time and he's also one who is extremely excited all the time can i ask you chris now would the would the bull or the rhino be the bottom and or would it be a switch situation. You know, I'd have to really give that a thought

before I gave you a solid answer because I know you don't want just some cheap answer I throw out. I know I know you want me to think about it and really give you a thoughtful answer. So let me get back down. Please do your due diligence as to which of these fucking monsters

would be the top of the book. I think this podcast is known for being thoughtful with everything we say. I think it's totally equanimical and they are 69ing all the That's fucking great. I think it's exclusively 69. Just nutting in each other's mouths.

You know what? That's beautiful. Why not? They are also, we should say clearly, because like these fucking kangaroos, the warriors of virtue, the titular warriors of virtue, even though there are five of them, right? They are the Ninja Turtles.

These fucking things are like the bebop and rock steady. Yeah. Like, let's just get that out of the way. Because we are, we are fucking wholesale ripping off Ninja Turtles with this shit. I love when they were introducing, like all the rues.

I think they call them roos, these kangaroo men. And there's like, oh, did Australia have that word fucking copyrighted? What was that about? We,

we get like the, oh, they each one of them uses an elemental force. And like every, every one of them, there's like an earth person and whatever else. And what I found funny

is like every introduction, they're like, and don't forget metal, there's metal right there. Is that me? Metal. Yes. Metal.

It's earth, wind, fire, and water, and metal. Which I think is actually a talus thing. I'm guessing. Listen, and there's nothing wrong with that. No, but just, I mean, like, I don't know. There's just like, there are movies that could introduce these things to me, and then there's talking kangaroo movies, which throw it in. They throw it in, and I don't know what the fuck to believe.

Well, don't forget metal. We should say that sun is a lady. so that makes her a little different than and she is for some reason ghost white and she's the creepiest one of them all yeah it's terrifying it is and she looks like a porcelain doll and it was freaking me out the whole time these all these things have

very pronounced lips which I'm not a big fan of I'll be honest with you no nope the lips the eyeballs the whole fucking thing it's disgusting those lips can work it when they've got the extremely wet blood on their face later amazing. I can't believe they got bloodied. That really disturbed me. I don't think I've ever been shook like by that, an image like that in a while.

It's just, it's a lot. It's just really like, because they're, we find out that, yeah, they all have their own element and et cetera. And the one, the water guy has left the gang, Yun, has left the gang. Why? Because he murdered a dude last week or something. Yes, it's strongly alluded to. I thought it was a kid. He accidentally killed. I thought it was a ray gun. Yeah. Right. Well, because like as we come to find out,

it was Alicia's brother. And yeah, I think he just had a ray gun, unfortunately. What? I mean, but they never explained in the instance. Like it was it,

was it a duel? Was it a big battle? Were they like walking in the woods? And he just like fucking hit, kick this kid in the head. See, he hit a rock. Steve,

is if, if this was like, understandable, we would have got an explanation. But because we'd don't. I just imagine it was an in cold blood fucking execution style brutal

brutal move by young. Oh yeah dude, this fucking kangaroo left pennies on that kid's dog. Absolutely. I'll tell you why, you know, there's a story, you should know this, you should know this story of what happened. He stole his bright saber. You know,

he took it and you know what? He should have given it back. It was very important, his bright saber. you guys ever notice when you're writing really good joke down your notes and then you forget about it absolutely so you know what this kid is played by Elijah could

how about that excellent that joke works anytime he's using like every scene it should have been couldn't Elijah couldn't I know that doesn't work with a joke but he can't

he literally cannot he's awful he's really bad because like his thing is like again like he would be a great entry i mean here's the thing with the five fucking kangaroos you need different personalities you really you need like they even say when they how about how about a personality that'd be cool yeah just one and you can fucking share it between the five of them i got a question about these things are these are like dogs or

something because they don't really talk they just stand there and go and I assume you have to walk these things. Because they say the one, the metal one, hasn't talked in years. I'm like, none of these things talk. And if they talk, it's inconsequential. And when they do talk, there's no, like, one of them sounds like Megatron. Yes.

And like the other three are so indistinguishable. I was just like, okay, yeah, one of them's talking, I guess. Exactly. And they say like, oh, the fire one, he's kind of a trickster. This one does, this one's very loyal. I'm like, how about, who's a party dude who's the leader who does machines these are the things i need to know yon i think yon is the leader because he's got the sword yeah he's leo he's for sure leo yes and he's he's reluctant

in this pursuit but he eventually comes around and gets his stones back or whatever whatever this movie's about um so yeah we are we are explained all this the character of Master Chung who's played by Chowley Shi who's also in big trouble in Little China and it's just the reason I hate this kid character more than anything

is because like 95% of his lines are just questions that require expository answers and it's the absolute laziest garbage writing like he's just like what are the ruse what are the elements

what's fighting I mean he's he's also just a brat like yeah once we get into it here like he gets very braddy very quickly mm-hmm well because he's got an attitude right because they're they're they're calling him like the newcomer and he's like he's like first of all my name's not newcomer the name is ryan jeffers and at that point the cat one of the kangaroos right well i guess it's just the lady kangaroo uh needs to take him and bury his face in her fucking pouch and mother of because I just can't even and there's no reference to pouches in this movie by the big problem there's a there's a line that's like newcomer well he's a little small to be a newcomer

and I'm like how how I think newcomer is supposed to be and again this we does not do any of this work is like the chosen one the one that's prophesied or whatever because like oh the newcomer like newcomer just be a big guy we just ape in star wars again because it's like stormtroopers A little short to be a storm trooper. Obviously, that's a stretch. But, like, why does a newcomer need to be tall? One day, there shall come a newcomer who will be six foot five with the widest of asses. Fear the newcomer.

A dump truck ass that wouldn't quit. The newcomer is coming. The newcomer with his wide, juicy ass. You'll be like, wow, that guy's built like a refrigerator. but you will not be able to not look at his ass just dragging it around showing it to every sensually dripping you cannot you sir are no newcomer look at that little little bottom you have the newcomer has the largest of asses of possible your butt can quit but the newcomers couldn't everyone

instantly is able to recognize the legitimate newcomer for when you lay your gaze upon that juicy behind, you shall know the newcomer has arrived. I would love

a giant, like a little kid falls into the portal. And then he comes out like a giant guy with a huge dump truck ass and he fucking great. Oh, it's Gerard Deferreux. I am the new Kamau. Look at all these rules. Oh, dude, that guy wants to go to the fucking magical land of town to fucking escape prosecution. Absolutely.

Do you tax people here in town? Oh, I live here now. But, yeah, so like, whatever. Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Because here's the line. It's the biggest fucking Star Wars rip-off line. This seals the deal that these people are just aping Star Wars left and right. Master Chung has a line here right when he's about to explain

all of their little like elemental powers he goes they use the force of nature's elements like the delay between force and of nature's elements you could fit a fucking

truck to it but that's the thing too they do like yes if I'm water your fucking wind or they barely use those elements in these don't this movie the fire guy like like makes his hand a lighter at one point like no dude yes yes not even the hand is the fucking thumb is the fucking thumb is the lighter and that's fucking disturbing what happens with finger play on with that guy I don't I don't want to know you

wouldn't want it's a little to do dude yeah the fucking wood guy's just a stiff piece of shit the only thing they do is throw a hula hoop on a fan that is the big action scene of this movie that they have is descending that little like spiky tunnel and then yeah throwing a that's all they do we yeah so we

come to find out that Angus McFadden Komodo is a guy here's a guy that he goes to every what is it life spring and life spring that's correct and gobbles it up to live forever and he's got all these soldiers

all these bald goatee soldiers that serve him night and day including Commander Grillo or whatever. This guy's General Grillo. General Grillo. Don't you remember General Grillo when we were friends in high

school? You belong on our side. Dude. Yeah, what is that shit? When they start appealing to the better natures of General Grillo, I was like, I need to leave my own home. What are you talking about? General Grillo Chris Cabin, correct me if I'm wrong on this, or anyone else

who has seen this movie. I just know that Chris has, but the guy playing General Grillo, is he the buddy in Henry portrait of a serial killer? Yes, I think so. Oh, wow, that's a great movie. Oh, is it oh, okay. Yeah, I think that's him. Yeah, he's what's his face is friend.

Rooker's, yeah, Michael Rooker's buddy. Yeah, this General Grillo guy. Wow, he was quite good in that movie, like, disturbingly good in that movie, and he's just not here. By the way, all Also, Lee Orenberg from Seinfeld and Pirates of the Caribbean is another one of these. That was him, right?

Yeah. The guy gets stuck in the trunk. Yes. That's Jerry, Seinfeld's a real phony. All these bald goate dudes that are Komodo's beck and call, and including some other lady who has claws for hands, who is so ill-explained, barbiturates. What's her name? Oh, yeah. She's.

Barbiturized. Yeah. Yeah. see i see it right here it says barbittuitz uh it's uh lady rest strike yeah dude this lady this lady got lost on the bus to outworld and she went up here and she's like bar bar bar rote barbarotius yeah name uh she's like hey whatever she seems to be his number two i guess look what and i guess like possibly romantically linked to him also yeah what do you remember a Robert McKee's book. You want to have

a character that nobody knows how to say their name. That's a cue to character. It makes them more interesting. It makes you it's a seductive trait. Michael J. Anderson's character, by the way, one letter off, so I'm just calling

him this anyway. This dude's name of this movie is Mudflap. Yep. Okay. Mud lap. It's actually mud lap. It's just such a word worse. Yeah. Because that it just makes me think like a dog like lapping up mud or something. Like that wasn't just like

that's just like the laziest, like, I don't know, what do we want to call these characters? Um, page fud. Everything seems like a placeholder. Yeah, uh, how about a boar mutt? Listen, well, it's like, it's, it's, it's, the naming of these characters is like lazy willow, right? I mean, these sound like garbage willow reject names.

It is hard, it is easier to connect a a left ventricle to the arm that it is to write a character's name. You know it is. It's true. We should say also that what they're doing here with these life springs is Komodo is

mining an element that is in them called Zubrium. And Zubrium. Zubrium. Ladies and gentlemen, you hear about this? You hear about this? Zubriam. Zubrium. Is keeping him alive indefinitely? Yeah.

Okay. is it yeah i don't understand exactly is it like a liquid or is it like a metal he eats it's whatever you want it to be dude because they don't fucking tell you i don't think it's like the earth whatever you choose the earth is producing its own like adrenaline gland or something that the rich eat oh you're talking about adrenochrome he's getting adrenalogram yes yes exactly that's what this whole movie's about okay it's about atrina chrome okay i just have to say it like that zubrium or whatever the fuck's uh No, no, it's adrenochrome.

In the magical land, we call it something different. Sure, fair. Hi, this is Barbara from Dr. Law's office. Yeah, we're going to have to cancel your Monday appointment. Dr. Law is going to be making a movie about five mystical kangaroos for about six months. Wait, you mean Dr. Law, my surgeon? Sounds like you're talking about Dr. Claw. Yeah, it's a movie that he's going to be writing and producing.

But my cancer. I'm sorry. Dr. Law is very busy. These kangaroos need to be written. Now, Miss Miller, I have to tell you, it is actually much more difficult for me to be on a movie set than for me to be operating on your husband's heart. Right, yes. He could cure your loved one instantly, but he's working very hard on a movie right now. Whatever you got is easy. set oh my god it's just the dumbest so that's our episode folks

well because again this is when the movie becomes total mush like there's backs and forths and traitors and so on and so forth and it just it all looks like shit and it all sounds like nothing also I think there's kind of like some

some bad crawl elements I love crawl but I feel like some of the artistic designs here like I think the court of let me look at my notes Komoto yeah that's the name

so in Komoto's court I feel like there's even like a glave like emblazed on the floor yes well I was also thinking now that when you said crawl too the other thing was like all of the like armor and shit

that Komodo's dudes are wearing for whatever reason also kind of look a little crawl-esque to me. Definitely, yeah. I would absolutely say that. Yeah. I would say the only of the next major thing is fucking McFadden, getting the kid and being like, you know, if you just turn on the kangaroos, I'll make you Joe Montana.

You'll be a football player forever. What does that mean? How would you do that, sir? How does this guy know what football is? I think he just thinks, like, yeah, you could put your foot up, start kicking around some dudes' testicles all you want. Your football player. Yes, you could be the next to let me see this.

Dionne Sanders. Yes, that sounds right. Dion Sanders. Hold on. Let me open Wikipedia and the other dimension really fast. I mean, listen, here's the reality, Ryan. Okay, even if you didn't have your leg brace, you're not making that football team, dude. No.

You know, I don't know. Go start at the fucking mighty might level and then we can see, but like, you're not playing high school, but five foot one. Yeah. I mean, we live in a culture, though, like, or at least we used to. People don't know where we live in the decaying American Empire where people used to say, you could do whatever you want. You work hard. Ryan, you start doing those plays. start running those gauntlets, you're going to

become whatever you want. And it's just frankly a crock of shit. It would be hilarious if instead of being able to like walk around easily and like having a good leg and everything, he just gets credit for the play. Like it's just people walking up and being like, good job

on that play. Hey, good job on that play. Hey, good. And he's just happy like bright smile. That would make some sense. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing, right? Like, clearly the kid knows the game of He's able to identify some of the strategies that the other team are using on defense and, you know, creates a play that works. You know what? You could be a coach. You know what? That could work out. Like, you obviously have a grasp of the game.

Like, maybe take that angle. But like, yeah. Bracer, no, you ain't getting on that fucking football team. He could also be like a tailgate attendee. Right. You can just be a fan of the game, too. Or maybe that's all right. Or maybe the double murder. assassin football player. Of course. What else is cool? You could throw on that. Space Marine. Yeah, baby chef. Chef's a cool thing to be these days, right?

Mr. Anderson, do not raise your voice. I'm sorry. Dr. Law, I don't care if your transplant isn't taking. Dr. Law is very busy researching football for his kangaroo movie. Researching football. You know, read about football is a little harder than operating on someone. Look, I'm going to be very honest with you, Mr. Turgit. Like, the reason I was researching what a person and a bull together would look like when I was the night before doing your, I didn't mean to leave the scalpel in your wife, as I'm trying to say.

Yikes, that's a flower. Yeah, what I'm trying to say is I was trying to transform you into some type of bull-like creature. Because I thought your wife looked like a rhino. And not maybe you two could fucking bump uglies. So I guess the whole idea here, like the, such as it is with this plot, is they need to get this manuscript because if it's in the hands of Komodo, that's bad. But if it's in their hands, it will somehow be able to allow the Warriors of Virtue to finally do what they have been unable to do in the past is finally defeat Komodo. rid him of their land and bring peace back to the life spring

or something close to that. And a thing you could do if you were writing a good movie is explain how big this world is because it seems like it's about a mile wide. Yes, yes. Yeah. I mean it's Cheap Degaba is just

it's a little bit bigger than my parents' garage. When we first see the EWalk Village the music is like the grandeur and it's like this sucks. the music really pumps you up in this movie and it's just like what yeah can I tell you guys what I this seems to be a good time to point out what I thought this movie actually was and I kept waiting for it to happen and I think it took me way too long to realize it wasn't going to happen I thought this movie and it the film actually to my credit hints at this for two seconds and it's a better idea and then they drop it entirely I thought this was a a movie where this kid goes to this world, he meets these fucking things, and then something happens and all

of these mystical creatures come into the real world. And it's like fish out of water, it's a little more Ninja Turtles-esque in that way, right? Because there is a line where Komodo is like and it's so poorly handled, but it's like he's somehow understood, like he's got the manuscript

at one point, and he's like, hey, by the way, General Grillo, I know that there's another dimension. And maybe we should try to go there because maybe there there might be more life springs that we could uh you know take advantage of like that's that's something yes that's what should have happened right this like garbage fantasy land where it is clearly just a sound stage which it never once feels like you're outside and i'm not against fantasy lands but if you don't got that budget fucking

and pull the cord and just show me fucking suburbia with Komodo walking around weirdly. That's a good point. 100%. And like what they try to put, they spend so much time with Yon dealing with murdering this guy that we never met. We never even see what he looks like for crying out loud.

Hear about him at all besides that Yon killed him in cold blood. And now Yon is too ashamed that he took this life, that he won't pick up the sword again. and he's kind of an outcast with his other rude buddies and it's really tough and then he says okay fine fuck it i'll do it yep that's it that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the big fucking reveal fuck it i'll do it he decides to shed the last last remnant of humanity or Rumanity or whatever it is. Rumanity.

Oh, the Rumanity indeed. And just become a cold-blooded killer. You know, I consider myself a Rumanitarian. I'm so glad, you know, we have this podcast. It's nice to work in the Rumanities. Hey, Batman, you know we live in a Rumanity. Oh, wait, no, that's a sign. That doesn't work at all.

Hot dog. There's the thing. Saved it. Hold on. More room and then room and. Oh, yep. There it is. But like you're totally right because we're told, right, that this guy, you know,

this kangaroo guy, Yun, yeah, murdered. By the way, let's just clarify, because it doesn't come out until later and it doesn't even matter. But he murdered Alicia's brother. Yeah. Alicia at one point mentions because she's talking to Ryan and she's like, oh, yes, me and my brother lost our parents when we were quite small and then he's like oh yeah where's your brother and she's like

he died recently so you eventually know it but I shockingly put it together right away that is hilarious because I remember when Yon was like it was an accident so this is what happened

Yon and all his kangaroo buddies were drinking and doing coke in the basement of their house playing ping pong and stuff a bunch of them left but yon wanted to keep drinking right which you do so yeah he left to go up to the corner store to get more beer hell yeah but accidentally the burner and the house was on and and alicia's brother was sleeping upstairs and he burned to death oh you know what i'm blaming that on the fire rue yeah and i don't rochester by the sea

and they're yon's like fucking fixing light fixtures and went on the walk back singing more than a room into me at the end of Elise is like I'm so sorry the way I treated you yun I should have never said those terrible things my kangaroo heart was broken my kangaroo heart that sounds like that could be a good song

the whole thing that I was trying to say about this Ryan talking this dude out of his funk I mean it's insane because we're told like oh you and will never get over this he feels like he disgraced himself us warriors of virtue have a code we never kill he killed somebody and this kid gets him to get over this murder problem after having known him for five minutes like it's yes it's so bad it is so bad because he's just passing this off as an How does he do it? He calls him a wimp. Yeah, he's like, come on, you wimp. And he's like, well, oh, if you call me a coward, I guess I should get back to murdering.

That kid told me. Well, you know what? The kid's got a point. I don't have any honor left to disgrace. Might as well keep killing. Well, you know, finding character motivation is harder in a lot of ways than brain surgery in a lot of different ways. I'm not going to get into him now, but it is, it's very. difficult no no i'm sorry all four of them are busy yes all four of them are working on the kangaroo movie listen i am sorry yes even the even the dentist yes if if you're listen gentle listener if you're ever scheduled for surgery first of all i hope everything goes well i i i hope

for the best for you but if the if you're scheduled with a doctor law fucking cancel that shit run for the hills yeah you just better you better ask him if he's got any plan trips to Holly's weird before you book the surgery. Dennis K. Law, Ron Law, Christopher Law, and Jeremy law. You see any of those names. You fucking run. Canceled like 70 appointments, like 10 people to death essentially, all to come to the idea that the baby says do it already. And they think that and thinking of that line and thinking of cancaroos is harder than saving your life or whatever it was. my lord these people doctors

there is a great thing where so he gets Yun to come back to the village and everyone is freaking out that this dude returned and they're so thankful and there is the funniest thing where it's like oh my God Yun came back oh my God that's so thank you

you Yun and it's like oh no don't thank me thank Ryan and this whole creepy little village just starts going thank you Ryan thank you There are multiple points at this, I think, towards the end of the movie, it's like, well, really, Ryan, it was you that one, that it's just, it's, it's, it's, it's insulting. You know what I just, you know what I just realized? The guy who requested this in Indiana, his name was Ryan.

I wonder, why it's that. Interesting, little Ryan fan fiction for you, Ryan. In the magical land of Indiana. What, you got little fucking kangaroos? what did everybody notice uh because there is like there was a moment where it's like the five are back and we're going to protect you from comodo what is with this warrior's virtue hand gesture that we've got here it's a little too close to the old h h if you ask me well you see us ruse had to go and hiding after the war we took the toilet to brazil and then we took it further down into the fucking land of what is this Tau, my friend. Oh, I'm sorry. It was harder than surgery to remember that.

Yeah. Tao is easier to say than Argentina. So the three of them, and I can't even tell you, who decide to just do some recon at Komodo's place to see what the fuck's up, right? And they get captured pretty much immediately. Great, great job, guys. And this is when they go into the... The fan area and

at least I know the metal ones there because the metal one's the one with all the rings. I almost said cool rings, but I stopped myself because it's not cool. Nope. Not even ironically are these things cool. And they have to like stop fan blades to escape because it's basically

a rancor pit kind of a thing. Like what you recall a commode is like goodbye ruse and shoves them down this hole. Did you catch what's going on here though? Did you catch what's going on here? it's like a blender is so it's like it's first of all um this is the first instance of but general grillo don't you remember when we were once friends which is hilarious but the way that they start falling down this thing is the floor opens and this is some grade A garbage CGI oh yeah

I mean this movie looks and sounds like shit top to bottom but it has very little actual like CGI floating around in it right here this floor look out below it is terrible this is like a late 90s video game cutscene absolutely dude you could see this on Nintendo 64 absolutely yes ma'am I can hear that you're in terrible

pain but they have to work on General Grillo's backstory all of them all four of them need to do it look if you wanted Dr. Law to deliver your baby maybe you should have got knocked up at a different time of the year I don't know what to tell you listen Dr. Law

says that looking at a flat line on the monitor here is easier than looking at an empty page on his word processor. I don't know what to tell you. I'm looking at the surgery area right now. Yeah, yeah. They have a storyboarding map going on

in the back. A lot of tacks and strings. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, I think your son's going to die. I'm sorry. Start making arrangements. Maybe you can find a toilet to flush them down. Maybe they'll go to a magical land.

don't book your son's funeral at the law funeral home because that brother is actually out writing a play right now so they ain't going to bury your dead kid i'm yelling at me you yell at me all you want ma'am you should have chosen less creative doctors okay i'm sorry they're just very creative um i will say uh what you call angus mcfad and it's up i think it's this point when he shoves him down this hole he's like time for kangaroo stew and i'm like dude, sign me up for kangaroos too, FYI. Oh, absolutely. I would definitely eat any mammal on earth. You think

kangaroos, really? I think I would eat kangaroos, too, for sure. Even more so than monkey pizza. Monkey pizza's a little too much. It's a little too close. Yeah, exactly. This is like, this is like a dog. Yeah. But you're not eating a dog, dude? No, but I know of.

I will. Steve Sadec dog eater. kangaroo stew for sure man it's stewed it sounds good it's got rich as americans kangaroo burger i say burger over stew fucking ground that fucker up listen here let's just we'll do this we'll get a little feedback we have a nice uh you know ever growing uh audience down under right you fuckers eating kangaroo's down there what right into the we hate movies mailbag we all hate movies at gmail.com

right into that if you are from down under and you have experienced with eating kangaroos. Also, let's put up a poll on our Twitter that'll run for a week. It's at W.HM podcast on Twitter. Let's put the poll up and see if you would eat kangaroo meat. Absolutely. I like it. I like it. So we can continue dragging out references to this movie. For as long as possible. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and that whole thing with them dropping through this spike shaft, it looks terrible. And this. is definitely where you if they're in a sticky situation like this this is where you need those brilliant ninja turtle one-liners like yes yes these things to have some sort of rapport with

each other it's just like oh no we're going to be chopped up now we're not exactly like then because the the you can make one that's a nervous one and he's like oh no we're gonna get chopped up and then the cool one's like i guess it's time for some fucking kangaroo salad you know this This is something you could do, law brothers. Yeah, all that Absolutely. The little shoutouts they give each other like make no sense. It's like, is your spirit okay?

Get your hair up. I mean, I need someone to check it on my spirit. It's been a fucking year of quarantine. Please ask you my spirit's okay. Mine is gone and been replaced. That's my working theory. I think my spirit was replaced by the spirit of a kangaroo, honestly.

That's why. Dude. That's why you don't want to eat him. Dude, actually, holy shit. Now you just inspired I got to get a note to David Cronenberg as soon as possible. Or maybe Brandon actually, he's doing more interesting stuff these days. But

a movie where one of us idiots, right, is like oh yeah, kangaroo stew, let's eat a kangaroo. And then they eat the kangaroo, right? Maybe it's a burger, maybe it's a stew, maybe it's on a pizza, whatever. We'll figure it out later. Or when the Law Brothers team up the screenplay with us. And so here's what happens, right? He eats the kangaroo and then

this motherfucker starts turning into a kangaroo himself. And this is where it gets Cronenbergian, right? The first thing to develop, it's just a dude that just starts getting a patch, just a pouch, like a gooey kangaroo pouch. Nice. Yeah. Fuck, I'm turning into a kangaroo. He starts watching this movie and Kangaroo Jack nonstop for some reason. Oh, fucking dip into my pouch. No, dude. He's like, he starts jumping all over the place. He's boxing people. He's boxing people. You know. Nah, no, Mrs. Allen, I'm sorry. I think your daughter is curtains for her.

See, they're starting to think about opening up a kangaroo restaurant. I don't know what exactly to tell you. They aren't paying me. I think I'm going to leave today for the... I've been here for three weeks without pay, and I think I'm going to leave now. They're talking about making kangaroo steaks. I don't know what that means. Yes, it's going to be filled with memorabilia from their kangaroo.

movie, okay? They have a bunch of it. Nobody wanted it. Hello. Hello, Planet Hollywood. Yeah, it's Ellen from the doctor's law office. Yeah, we're going to need all of that Warriors of Virtue memorabilia back. We're opening up our own sort of like,

fun little kitschy kangaroo-themed kind of diner. So we want to decorate the place with the stuff that we gave you guys. So we just need that. What's that? Oh, you threw it immediately in the garbage. Oh, got it. No, no, Mrs. Ellen, yeah, yeah. They're going to call it kangaroo jacks i told them that that movie was not that popular when it came out they are insistent

that that's going to be the name of their kangaroo restaurant franchise they were talking about three of them i really i've lost all will to live here's a question um which uh kangaroo centric movie do you think is more loved by the the film going public this or kangaroo jack What has more watches? What has more like DVD purchases? Kangaroo Jack, I think people know, at least in the United States, more than this. Yes. And you've got your, what do you call it there?

Anthony Anderson. And you've got who's very popular. Jerry O'Connell is marginally popular, you know? That's true. That's true. Was anybody of note voicing Kangaroo Jack, I guess is the question. By understanding, and I've never seen the movie, I think he doesn't talk really except for one dream sequence. Oh, is that right? Can I tell you, there is one, there is precisely one time, and I remember this shockingly, pretty vividly, we tried to watch that at the old Astoria place, and I was lit. And when I tell you, I think I fell asleep on your guy's couch, like before the fucking kangaroo even showed up. Like, that is how fast I passed out during that movie. That makes sense, because I don't remember this either at all.

kangaroo jack voice uncredited Adam Garcia all right so nobody uh well nobody whoa nobody

you're calling the man who played Kevin O'Donnell and Coyote ugly nobody are you calling the man who played Italian fan in murder on the Orient Express nobody yes yes I Andrew is as well

but yes I am too well he's done more than me I'll say that much to to give this movie a little bit of nice just a little bit of something trying to save my own

my own kangaroo soul here around here is where Komodo like runs in screaming totally fucking coked out he's getting his dick sucked by a ghost or something I don't know what's going on and he starts fighting

he starts fighting with Master Chung and the fight scene that these two guys have is actually, I think, pretty cool. Okay. Do any of you remember the fights scene? Not very, barely, but yes, I kind of do. I do have a note. It lasts a really long time.

We're jumping on, like, different platforms and stuff. It's exciting. It's not bad. It's at least it's something. I do have a note, though, that you can't use negative kung. You have to use positive kung. Is that anything? Yeah, I'm like, I'm not going to touch that.

Because I don't know if it is or not because it's a movie with talking kangaroos in it. So I don't know, you know, up is down, left is right, dude. This is actually harder than performing any type of surgery. It says you need to positive kung to have the power to do the right thing. And this is good kong. I will say, you know what, a Forge and Fire fan here, I like Komodo's sword. It's a good looking sword, you know, it's got a cool hook on it, you know? Oh, yeah, it is a little hook sword.

I like a hook sort He does What do you think What do you think The tang on that Would be You want to go for a Thru Tang there

Because you don't want The scales on the On the handle to break Got it Got it got it That's good to know Good note Good note

No no yeah I think your grandson's Gonna die You see They've just been watching Forge and fire And eating Domino's pizza It's like

Things are on fire In the office I don't know why I'm still here They forge their own scalples yeah someone tell this fake receptionist to stop answering the phone there is a thing in this fight though that was a massive laugh out loud moment for me is the um barbiturate or whatever that lady's name is she she goes after ryan and he falls over and he grabs a bunch of shit looking mud and shoves it in this woman's mouth

that did it for someone right moment in film history at one point so then master chun gets killed here and you get to see those beads finally hit the floor dude this old bastard gets fucking bodied by this guy it's amazing he drops like a column on him is it like he like cuts his head open or something it's you don't see it but there's like a scar on his face well there's a weird like comodo uses his sword i think to cut right through like a big like cement column or something and it totally like falls on him

I think. Yeah. That sounds familiar. It all looks terrible absolutely terrible but that's what I understood it to be was this column kind of fell on him and he maybe got a head injury or something but yeah this dude eats shit right here. He's like whispering

something to Komodo about like you know you should probably start thinking about being a good guy. Okay boys. And I think at this point Ryan is kidnapped and brought back to Komodos where he's like sort of pseudo sexually tortured by Marley Sheldon for a second there

right? Dude, Alicia is really hooting out in this scene. I mean, this, it's like not a movie that should have sexuality in it at all. And then all of a sudden, like, here comes this bountiful bosom. You're like, wait, what movie is?

And this kid, this kid is pulling multiple get a good look of stanzas. He absolutely is. I caught this kid sneaking a peek. Yeah. You know, actually sneak in a peak is a little harder than performing search. These fucking people. I'm sorry.

Just, wow, what a movie. Thank you, Ryan, in Indiana. But they, but yeah, at this point, she explains that, yes, you hadn't killed my brother. Therefore, I can't, I spit on the floor when I see a kangaroo. Now I fucking can't stand the sight of kangaroos. She would eat them. She would eat them. maliciously. And he starts freaking out. This kid, this kid right here starts acting like this is his Al Pacino moment. He's screaming at this woman. He's like, you set me up, Alicia. You said you were my friend. You broke my heart. Fraydo. I do love that everyone betrays this kid. Over and over. Yep. His mother, Komodo, Alicia, Master Young, or Master Chung, rather. And this,

This is where Komodo starts sort of teasing him with this like, you know, I'm pretty all powerful. We take the manuscript back to the real world. Let's go home with your new leg. You know, he's really trying to sell this kid on like maybe making the football team. And at this point, I think that he tries to kill the kid and Alicia stops him because she let her heart grows to repeat three sizes. and then barbiturates kills her. And I'm like, who's even on Wu's side anymore? And then, and then Komoto kills barbiturates.

And I'm like, who's anyone anymore? Who's good? Who's bad? I guess I do part of me, part of the fantasy reader and me, I know this doesn't really apply to anything, but like this whole like dark emperor that Angus McFadden is kind of trying to play here. And the whole like the court turning on each other would be something if this was written better. I'm sorry it's not it's it's not it's not as easy as surgery but this is written a little bit

better. It might have been an interesting turn. Maybe but like he has to have some menace and it's just he's like elite singer for a prog rock band. Yeah. Like it's not it's not like it's just kind of dancing around and screaming. He's having too much fun. I was actually thinking cab and he kind of in some scenes, uh, Angus McVadden kind of looks like Gerard Way. Yes. Like just the little the little is bit. The reason also that Komodo starts attacking this kid and trying to kill him is because he's like, oh, you're like the chosen one. So you're the only one that can actually read from the manuscript. You're the only one that can see the text on the manuscript. Tell me what it says.

Read the words. And this kid just goes, shit happens. Oh, yeah. And they're like, shit happens. Shit happens. Shit happens. I cannot believe. And he like freaks out.

We get at least five shit happens. And somehow this is PG. I don't know about that. Not okay. Not all right. I think slap a 13 on this, motherfucker. And this is sort of, I guess Komodo then goes to confront

all of the Warriors of Virtue and splits in five. Didn't see this coming because I did no idea what even happened. Well, I mean, he's been kind of shown as like being a mage-esque figure. So I guess doing all these doppelgangers is something. I don't know. You got

General Grillo in the gang. Get them going. Yeah. But Yeah, what's the Grillo gang up to? If you're trying to present this guy's magic, though, you don't get the money to make it look good. I guess doppledangers. Well, this is, this is, this is where the plague of wet blood happens. We're like, they're all getting their ass kicked by Angus McFade and like, yeah, they just, they cut to them and they've got like bloody nose, but like, it's much wetter than it should be. I'm sorry, much wet than thin and wet.

I don't like it. Yeah, it's a bad, it looks like, you know, it looks like Chris, like if you're doing, um, Like if you're painting and you've got like red paint on your paintbrush and you're like, oh, I'm going to wash off this paintbrush here. And you put it like in a little jar water. The color of that like pseudo reddish water, that's what this blood look. That's the fucking consistency of it. It's so late. I was just shocked to see these kangaroos bleed.

I did not. I did not think we would get there with this movie. So it's kind of appreciated. I believe the turtles bleed in that first movie when they get the shit. them by the shredder. Am I wrong? I think you're right. I think you're right.

Yes. I think there's a scene where someone's healing in a tub or something. Yeah. Well, that's that's Raphael. Bring Ralph some food. When we do that episode, when we do that episode finally, are you going to start crying, Steve? I will.

I am literally as I, and if you follow me on Twitter, you know, you're aware of this. I'm staring at all four digit turtles right now and it's great. That's awesome, dude. Uh, so turtle soup out of the question for you. Oh, no, absolutely. Fuck those guys. Oh, you would eat, you would eat turtle soup. Mm-hmm.

Okay, good. It sounds, I mean, that was the thing that was a huge in the 20s and stuff, and now you can't get it anymore. Now that makes me even more interested to eat it. Yeah. Yeah, but aren't like, listener, I would eat you. You put mayonnaise on you. I would eat you. Absolutely.

I think the thing with turtles, and this might also go for kangaroos, I don't know, but like aren't, at least some. kinds of turtles and some kangaroos like endangered at least isn't that part of me? Oh I'm sure. I'm not saying any of this is moral or okay. Yeah. It just makes it taste better when they're endangered. Yeah. Come on. I mean, there is nothing better than a deep fried dodo. They're delicious. They're fantastic. That's why they're

gone. Yeah. Because they were so good. I mean, here's the thing. You know, we're talking about how Komodo split into five people and is now fighting them all in a separate scene. that actually feels like the same scene because all the kangaroos look the same and he's dressed exactly the same

so it's all one thing but we're forgetting the absolute worst line in this movie that kicks this whole thing off where where Komodo sees them come in and he wants to pick the fight

and he goes Warriors come out and play yay oh kiss my ass kiss my ass kiss my ass kiss my ass kiss my ass awful. So did Comodo live in

America in the 1970s and then saw that great movie and then fell in the hole? Is that what happened? And they started sucking up life springs. I think that's going to happen. I think what happened, dude, was he went and saw the Warriors, right? And then this bully was like, hey, we just saw a great

gang movie. It's time for your initiation. And they were trying to make Komodo, whose real name at the time was just Greg. You know, Greg Johnson. And Greg Johnson was trying to cross the same pipe path. He fell in the fucking toilet and now he's Komodo. That makes sense.

But yeah, he did see the Warriors in theater. I do think it would have been nice if Komodo had like five like somehow glass Pepsi bottles on his fingers while he's doing it. Yep, sure dude. Absolutely. There is some weird in the

Alicia getting a little sexy scene. There's a weird thing where Komodo is like, okay, like you got me this kid now here's what you've been waiting for here's your reward and it's like a bottle of like fuck juice. Yes I want to know what that thing is

it looks like a dildo first all it really does like a dildo that she drinks out of. The bad dragon productions for sure. Yes and she's like she's like drunk and horny like instantly I don't know what that shit was that's a whole that you know that was the one brother that was like why don't

we make it a little dirty oh Dennis stop it this is a kid's movie the law brothers only make family content yes i know we've bankrupted all of our practices writing this beautiful script together but like honestly wasn't it worth it for a little like pieces like this horny juice you know they should rename practices to perfects because i don't want to be part of a practice session here i'm going to take that on the road soon i did I honestly think writing this movie does break their Hippocratic Oath, for sure.

Of course, this does harm. Because it does a lot of harm. Yep. Yep, it's straight up harm. They have done so much harm. Licenses revoked, fellas. Get a new position. Just not screen,

screenwriters. So this is the end of the movie, which is so muddy and confusing. Because like I said, because there's five fucking kangaroos, they all look the same. They're all covered in blood, uh, fighting five Angus McFens. and somehow Ryan sacrifices himself something something and all the medallions which I didn't know were a thing up to this point merge and now we're Mighty Morphid

power ranging a little bit sure yeah it is slightly confusing I think what the deal is is because there is also a master trying force ghost that kind of comes in for a second and he's because this kid's crying I was laughing at this little kid he's all upset in tears he's like How can I help the ruse?

Great line for Andrew to be laughing at. But yeah, I think the whole thing is he's like, so listen, you know, if, you know, when you take a life, you lose part of your power. So if you're harming somebody, you're losing your power. So the kid distracts Komodo to use, like, his power against this kid, like, killing him and thus, like, weakening his own life force, I guess. And that allows the ruse to sneak in and fuck this dude up some. somehow. Because his defenses are down. Anyway, that's what they told me before they left.

This place is empty now. I don't really understand it. I don't want to see the movie when it's finished, but I'm going to go now, goodbye. Oh, no, I can't save your son. I have no medical training. No, no, no, ma'am. I'm sorry.

I do know that there's a crematorium about two blocks that way, if you just want to drop him off there. But you know, I could turn his dick into a hot dog without help, home. some testicle meatballs there babe see what you like there's a weird thing and I think actually this one very confusing line in this movie may lend credence to the theory that Komodo was actually just Greg Johnson in the

1970s because there's there's a line where he's I don't know if he's screaming at the kid or is he screaming at these kangaroos or what but it's either a I'll see you in or go to hell Yeah. And just the idea that this guy, Komodo, is even familiar with the concept of Christian hell. You know, I'm thinking, I'm thinking this is Greg Johnson. Uh-huh. It's Greg Johnson from Brunswick, New Jersey. He fell in the toilet. Because when they defeat him, he turns into a nice version of himself.

I think, yeah. I think this goes back to the negative kong and the positive kong. So if you knock the negative kung out of him. He's just like amnesiaed. I guess so. It's kind of like the end of Ghostbusters too and Ray Stance and Janos Pohar like nice again and and they don't remember like what went down. Because he's also apparently he has his memory wiped. He's walking around like, where am I? Yes. I don't but I just, you know what? This is a problem with the writing. I just, I don't want anybody walking around talking about my kung. Whatever it happened. I don't care if it's positive or negative. Just don't be talk about what my kong is.

It's really disgusting. Don't talk about slinging it either. I went back and I turned on the subtitles because there was a scene where like the force ghost of Master Chung tells him about, or maybe it's not the force ghost. There's a force ghost fake out. I think it actually turns out being Komodo in disguise.

Yeah. This is an earlier moment where he's talking about the kong. And I was like, I got to put on these subtitles because is this old guy, are they talking about Kum right now? I was so certain they were saying, Oh, you have to have positive come and not negative. Listen, Ryan, when you get really excited, Ryan. What's going to come out of you?

They're going to be positive and negative. And you know what? You want to make it positive. I want to go home. No, you're not allowed. This is the birds and the bees. Now, cung for me. Oh, man.

I just have a line. that says wait magic medallions like honestly because this is where they do they be like captain planet esk like with our powers combined this is how they finally defeat him because yeah it's just like oh wait should we use our power yeah let's use our power sure and again yeah this has never been I mean maybe it was but I thought I was paying attention I never heard about these medallions before this nope it never happened it didn't happen and you could have done this 50 minutes ago and defeated Komodo.

Yeah, before your master die. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It could have been done in an afternoon. Before we measured Kung. There's a weird, I mean, and what happens to him, like after those medallions do whatever, it's a weird, like, a portal opens,

and then this dude, Komoto's, like, melting, sort of. And then this is some bad CGI here, too. he turns into like F grade Terminator liquid metal for like a split second and then explodes into light and disappears and then yeah he comes around a corner later like just kidding I'm here I'm fine I'm nice now I do appreciate that the room and are like hey man like when come out is like I've lost I don't know who I am or whatever like where is my home and the room in to their credit are like this is your home friend like let's rebuild a better society in the ashes together. So I appreciate that little piece of companion from the Ruman. Yeah, sure. I mean, and it happens with General Grillo too. There's a line where some guy is like, one of the ruse

is like, General Grillo, it is over. Join us now in peace. Yes. Like, yeah, he gives up the whole army of guys, like they all take off their general grillo. You don't have to you don't have to always put it, crush a man's head with a television set like all your crimes and Henry Portrait of a serial killer.

You can join us. Oh man. And then yeah, like the one ye who doesn't talk ever talks at the end and says thank you to Ryan. And he just the kid just kind of like bounces back into right where

he left off. Like right when this kid is saying let's make like Tom and Cruz, is there's no like how are we going to get you back we have to do this you know lightning's going to strike the clock tower at this time like nothing about how this kid's going to go bad because he's dying or dead or something and everyone you know everyone thanks him and the one speaks and then all of a sudden he's just back in the moment before he even walked on the plank in the toilet factory so it's like what was that a fantasy at first you're like oh you know maybe he's in a coma and whatever this is a magical journey

that he gets to go through. But no, it's before. So it's like he just has like a weird moment. Yeah, I don't know. I think he was slipped acid at the Chinese restaurant. Yeah, yeah. Maybe he didn't want to hit that soon, which annoyed him. But yeah.

Well, while he was in Tao, he learned to not take chances. So he's like, I'm not going to do this now. I'm going to avoid this. And he was right to do that. You're right. How does he come upon learning this lesson? That makes no sense. Great moral lessons right here in this moment.

He should complete the journey across the pipe, take the spray can from Brad and throw it in the toilet, right? Like, that's the thing. Like, I'm not vandalizing my community. Or push Brad into the water pool next to your father's corpse, and then they are both dead, and then you run away. He goes home, and, you know, the mother gets home from work and is tucking him in and she's like,

how was your night? And this kid, man, God damn it, sucks. He just, he just goes, virtuous. And she has to be like, she has to be like, how did you learn what that word is? What I mean? Who taught you that? Every night she comes home and is disappointed to find her son alive. That's kind of what's going on. Oh yeah. You get to throw another one, huh? What did you do what I fully told you to do? Virtuous, huh? But you said virtuous, you had a good, okay. You know, have you ever tried drinking what's underneath the sink?

You know, it's a lot of tasty flavors down there. I do not keep it locked. The kid also knocking this mom a little bit, too. She's like, so do you sell a house tonight or what? And then she's like, she's like, yeah, you know, I sell. I sold 12 of them. We're set for life now. Oh, my God, this upside-down mortgage I'm in.

Oh, I'm so fucked. I'm so fucking underwater. I hate this kid. He won't accidentally kill himself. Yeah, no, I sold 12 houses. Hey, why do you stay with Aunt Jenny for a little while and don't knock on the door? Oh, and Ryan, no funeral. What?

Nothing. Nothing. Just don't worry about it. Stay away from the kitchen for a while. So then like this kid, you know, his buddy is his puppy Bravo, you know, he's like, hey, Bravo, do you want to hear about Tao? And I wish the dog could talk in this moment and just be like, maybe tomorrow morning, Ryan, hoping that he will forget to tell him about it. Absolutely not. That sounds really stupid. You should stick to your medical career, Ryan. Oh, fuck, man. That is the end of this movie. What a.

Well, it's a wretched undertaking, I have to say. Awful. It's terrible. I didn't enjoy it. I did not enjoy it. So many people had to say yes to this. A lot of people. A lot of people had to do it.

And then there was a sequel five years after this. Oh, yes. Chris, you said you saw this sequel. So please fill us in. There was another one of these made in 2002 return to Tao. And there's no kangaroos in it. What? There's, there's, there's,

footage from there's footage of the kangaroos from this movie used in the very right in the beginning but at the end they come back like most of it is grown up idiot uh Ryan um in China like trying to like beat like another villain and like find what happened to the Warriors and then they come at the end it's just a bunch of people they turn it just dude it's a bunch of people yes it's people interesting so does this mean comodo one? Possibly. I don't know. He's not addressed in the sequel, I imagine.

I don't, no. No, there isn't. There's not much of anything other than like the warriors are gone. We'll find the warriors in the last 15 minutes because of budgetary constraints. That probably shouldn't be in the script. But, oh man, you left the line in about budgetary constraints. That's unfortunate. But yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, how worse than this, uh, and yeah.

But wait a minute. So those, the people at the end, so it's actually supposed to be like Yi and Yun and all of the, the stupid, really? The stupid metal rings. Some guy, some fat guys got them and is throwing them. Wait, so are the, is there any explanation of like, oh, the curse was lifted or? Not really. Like, do they acknowledge that they're not like, like, is, because if it's the same kid, if it's Ryan, is he not like, hey, why don't you guys look like kangaroos anymore? Well, there's all, there's also, some character that I assume is supposed to be the Elysia

character, but her name's Amethyst? And, like, they have some history that I have no idea where it came from. Oh, wait, but Elysia eats shit in this movie. Why is it the same person? So she's, like, but, like, there's somebody there who's, like, who knows him

and is acting like what Elysia would be doing. Oh, weird. That's dumb. Wow, what a dumb thing. Who could, who would have thought that there would have been a worse idea than Warriors of Virtue, but it is indeed Warriors of Virtue too. What's the subtitle there? There's got to be something. It's just returned to Tao. Oh, yeah, Warriors of Virtue. The Return to Tao. Here it is. Oh, oh, would you look at that?

Directed by one of the fucking ace screenwriters of this. Oh, nice, dude. What a shock. That is a little easier than surgery, actually. You know, actually liquidating your family savings in your house and everything that you're, you know, your great, your father and your mother left you to make a sequel, you know, that's harder than surgery. Chris, can I ask you something now? Michael Vickerman, the director of this sequel, also plays a character that's credited as Irish Muppet. Uh-huh. Do you remember this character? It's actually credited as Muppet, M-U-P-P-E-T. Weird. That does not. stick out to me but who knows

well because the here's something though right because the ninja turtles at least in that first movie right was Henson Workshop the second one definitely was too actually yeah oh my God sorry there's a Scottish Muppet as well okay

but wait a second though these terrible kangaroos are not the Henson company right no no no they couldn't they could not be okay the dentist company listen i am not going to bother to ask if we would recommend this movie obviously we would know right no slight recommend oh hold the phone i think if you're you're you're you're imbibing it's kind of almost a fun mess it is just wow but but that you know i like watching some bad movies

we got a bad movie podcast kind of here or at least that was the origins so it is an onslaught of terrible, but it's kind of fascinating a lot. I would, yeah. An onslaught of terrible. That is for the fucking poster, dude. I disagree, but you know, to each their own. I just, I wish it was a little campier, a little weirder. It just, once you actually get to the, the, the kangaroo place, it just gets really muddy, confusing, and less fun that I'd like it to be.

Yeah, I mean, it's a no for me. It's, it's, and when I say light, I mean, very light, you have to be. totally wasted. Sort of like I am right now. I mean, listen, if they had gone with my idea, which is also just a rip off of the Masters of the Universe movie, right?

Like, bring them into the real world, total fish out of water shit. Like, I don't know. That's, that to me is something. If you have these kangaroos, you know, get that product placement in. You know what I mean? They're in a Burger King parking lot.

Sure. You know, they're chow and down like, wow, whoppers, these are great. give them personalities also that's something on the wish list you got to have these creatures with personalities

you know maybe then there's a movie maybe that is what warriors of virtue the return to Tao should have been it should have been the return to

wherever the shit America this kid is from and you go from there I don't know how they miss that bringing these things into the real world that's the movie and you just pay a little extra and have like MC Light

do something like Roo rap or like puff daddy gets something I don't know depends on how much money the Law Brothers have

I want to say also just really quickly because it's hysterical and I tried to search around for it a little bit couldn't find

too much on it but on the Wikipedia page under the reception section so Gene Siskel won voted thumbs

down and described Warriors of Virtue as quote generic junk made for the international action market, a cheap hybrid of Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles. Totally right on. There was another

critic, Kale Klein, of the Carlsbad current Argus. What? That apparently... Is that a... Sangeroo Land? Is this where that's from? Is that a press from a spaceship? Yeah, I mean, sometimes newspapers

have really dumb names, and this is one of them. The current Argus. This person was so distressed. In the press screening, watching this movie, they actually vomited in the screening room, which is incredible, if true. I mean, it's true. Huge of true. I mean, there's disgusting room in. There's talk about hot dog penises.

I could see vomiting at this film. Absolutely. And like, as I said, the wet blood, it's just disgusting. And like I would, I could see vomiting at that alone. So I get it. I get it, buddy, or what Kevin Klein or whatever his name is. Kevin Klein, I guarantee you. Kevin Klein has never seen this movie. I guarantee you. Me and my wife, Phoebe, really did not care for our Warriors of Virtue. She held it together, but I threw up all over our living room.

I was just going to say he would be a beautiful man to watch Throw Up. That's all. That is Warriors of Virtue from 97, directed by Ronnie Yu. If you want more We Hate Movies, check out that Patreon. Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. It is listener requests month, of course. So thanks, first of all, to Ryan in Indiana there. Thanks for this. And all the other folks that requested this movie.

But if you want more listener requested content this month, head over to Patreon. Patreon.com slash We Hate Movies. We have a We Love Movies episode. It's about three hours long on Goodfellas. Yep. A little bit of a better film. Just slightly.

We also have our brand new Walsh tier, the $10 tier. We've got a banger of the season finale of Beverly Hills 9-0-2 or the first season finale. Really good episode there, peanut butter jealousy on Millrose Place. And for all you fucking maniacs, we're going to be talking a two-parter of an episode on Zach Snyder's Justice League. We're calling it the Snyder sessions. We're really excited about it. We don't know what it is. We haven't seen it yet as of this airing.

Yeah, we are recording. this episode on March the 3rd, so we still have, unfortunately, 15 days to wait until we can see this so many more monstrosity. So many more sleeps till Zach Snyder. That's right. And on the Gleap Glossary this month, we've got the horse X-wing pilot, Hohas Equish, also known as Runt, I read today. I hope we, we haven't recorded that episode yet. I sincerely hope it has explained to us just how a horse fits in the cockpit. of an x-wing oh i i wish it were but we'll no nothing i didn't in my my initial research did not find if they reconverted the x-wing into some type of stable but uh we will talk about it

on the gleepe glossary but that's not all folks the nexus we got two amazing tng episodes back to back this month super exciting stuff and they are literally back to back in the episode Which is crazy that we pulled that out of a hat. And also, we're going back to Transformers for Animation Damnation, Carnage in C minor. That'll be exciting. Yes. I remember you. Vivian, don't you want to go to the symphony with me?

They're playing carnage in C minor. And because you, the listener, requested all this. I assume you're all signing up immediately. Of course. That is right. Now, Listener Request Month, it's just getting started. gang. We got a lot of road to cover here on our travel, Steve.

So what are we going to be talking about next week? Will it still be a movie from 1997? No, thankfully it won't be. We'll be talking about Poultergeist to the other side, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Get ready for a Craig T. Nelson. Child.

What's her face? Zelda Rubinstein. Of course she returns. She better. She fucking better. I'm actually. Actually, I have to say, I think Poltergeist 2 is the title I'm most excited for. Because it is the most, it is the most of a movie any of these selections. I've actually never seen it. So I will watch it and then I'll talk about it. That's excellent, dude.

That is what we are known to do here on Lee Hate movies. So until next week, where we're getting a little spooky with Poltergeist 2. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.