We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 539 - Double Team

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

On this week's show, the gang wraps up the 2021 Listener Request Month with a lengthy conversation about the outrageous JCVD/Dennis Rodman team-up film, Double Team! Why couldn't they just make Rodman's character be a former basketball player-turned-arms dealer? What was JCVD doing to that poor bath tub? And why couldn't this ridiculous movie just stay on that island? PLUS: Is there anything more terrifying than a gross clown caught in the rain? Double Team stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dennis Rodman, Mickey Rourke, Paul Freeman, and Natacha Lindinger; directed by Tsui Hark. Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program who among us didn't think it was a porno it's double team i'm jupin stephen sadak eric ciska chris cabin and we hate movies Hello everyone. Welcome to the final episode of the 2021 listener request month. That's right. We're talking double team from 1997 directed by Sue Hark. you may know him if you're a fan of the Detective D franchise once upon a time in China franchise he also directed Black Mask 2 which is a crazy ass movie this was his

English language debut and what better way to do it with Jean-Claude Van Damme and wait what's that? Oh Dennis Rodman oh oh oh oh hello would you like a gun I mean I don't think you can start this conversation

any other way like I'd never seen this movie. It was mind-blowing to me just how horrific of an actor he is. He may be the new worst athlete-turned-actor I've seen on screen. Wow, I'm going to go a different direction. I think because the character is so ill-suited to him, the fact that this is even like legible means he's kind of better

than Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal. Wow. Just because there's no reason to give him. this guy a manic character at all like he's got a really deep lumbering voice his big you know huge you know huge presence it's you go more monosolabic you're in much better shape but they try to make him like an acerobic wit and it's just like comes out like nothing because i think it's like because of all the media at the time around him and it was such a sensation all those tabloids so it's they had to make him so it's like he's not playing himself but like you know

the look at least. Oh yeah, it's just straight Rodman. It was either going to be this or a character or from like the fifth element. Like, yes. That's like the type he was going to go for. And like what I like about him in this movie at least is that he does match

Suhark's style. Like he doesn't feel out of place in this movie because this movie is so quick and like clearly is not worried about setting up anything or like believability. It's, I think it's impossible to be out of place in this movie because nothing makes sense.

I mean, it is six to eight different movies at least. I don't think he's out of place, but it's just like my God, every other line of dialogue is a fucking basketball joke. Well, that's the problem. Yeah, I mean, the world at large understood

that Dennis Rodman was a fucking power forward. Let's move on with it. Here's the other thing, though, is you put him in this and then next to him, J-CVD sounds like he has a pretty good hold on the English language. It does. It's a good casting choice because he does seem like much more quick.

Like JCVD seems like he's really going with the dialogue in this one. You mentioning the whole basketball lines makes me think because I just rewatched airplane like last week. And the Kareem al-Dul-Jabbar character being like, no, no, I'm the co-pilot like whatever his name was Rob Johnson or something.

But then the veneer slips and he just, comes female dual jabar he's got basketball shorts on i feel like they should have done that here just make him a basketball player himself you're totally right if by the end of this movie when a fucking tiger

explodes he was wearing he was wearing a bull's jersey totally fun by me exactly just don't even explain it whatever i mean like still playing in 97 steve uh yes this is uh because i did the bulls won their last one in 98 so this would have been this is like in that bull's run

Oh man, he got paid for this then Jesus Christ He must have He must have gotten like Truckloads for this right I mean what kind of money Do you think this production was working with I'll try to look that up here

Well we all guessed JCBD is kind of a fading star At this point And Mickey Warc is You know a fucking crater in the moon With his star down here So I don't I don't think they had a ton of money to play with

But I bet Rodman Definitely got a lot maybe just under J.CVD. Yeah, like J.CVD is like, I mean, like, it's so amazing when you think, like, what are the good J.CVD movies, honestly? This one is one of them. The ones that with the Chinese directors were actually kind of the best ones. Yeah.

Hard target, this. Yeah, I like Universal Soldier quite a bit. I think Van Dam has got a good presence. He elevates bad movies for sure. Like the Quest is a very bad movie. But for some reason, I'd like a minute. I mean, I'm a big time cop guy, obviously. Oh, sure.

That might be the heights. I have a soft spot for Street Fighter and I always will. I think it's the Raul Julia thing. But also, I think JCVD is kind of holding it in that one. I think he's charismatic. I think he's very interesting to watch. I really enjoy him on screen. And I think we need to stop with these British people.

I know, I know. But let us get more weird European dudes that are into Koura. or weightlifting or whatever and let's make them a thing again. Well, that's the problem is that you can't do that anymore because they're all YouTube stars now. That's where they're all making their money

is they're doing like videos on there or they have an only fans account or Le Only fans in France. That's the new trajectory of Hollywood, right? I mean, I think a YouTuber is hosting the old Carson Daily show. Really? Yeah.

That's a good excuse, actually, if I ever get busted with an only fans account. No, no, I look at for the, karate. It's just for all those Belgian martial artists I love. They do workout routines on here, you know. Secrets to burn in the abs.

You know, just trying to get in shape here. I want to quickly mention, I did really like the movie J-CVD that he did. They're like self-referential. I still never saw it. I think it's worth checking out. Even when like, because like you, I've heard say it was good. I think Chris you saw it before too.

like I just something about it was like that can't be right and there were a lot of there wasn't just you guys there were a lot of people that really liked that movie and I was like something's wrong here isn't it I think he's got he's got like a monologue in French or something like it's a little more

real to maybe what his experience was so I like it it opens with a long tracking shot of a movie being made it's kind of neat visually but by the way before we close this JCVD retrospective got to mention Bloodsport being amazing. Oh, sure.

We should also mention that we're not doing this on PIRP. We're doing this because it's a listener request call, right? Oh, fuck, yeah. Let me pull that up. And also, I'll just say, in from Wikipedia, although citation needed, $30 million budget. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, he probably got like at least a one or two million bucks here.

Yeah. Yeah, probably, yeah. All right, so let's take a listen here to, the person who called this one in. Hey guys, it's Randy from Arizona. Colin, because I want to request 1997's double team. An action movie starring

Jean-Quad Van Damme and Dennis Rodman for some reason. The bizarre action movie, that has become a remake of the TV show The Prisoner halfway through. There's a lot for you guys that you're on, especially with, you know, John Kwok Van Damme mispronouncing words, and

I hope you guys love basketball jokes. And anyway, guys, look forward to your and enjoy it, and then talk to you guys later. See, I would still argue that, like, Rodman can't handle some of these words. Rodman is, like, got marbles in his mouth with a few of these words, whereas JCBD, he's clipping along pretty well. It's all the piercings, I think. You think so? Yeah, I think there's a chain wallet in his mouth with this $1 million paycheck. Yeah, half a corn audience is a...

in his mouth. Eric, you're half a chain wallet in his mouth joke is definitely my dad yelling at ESPN. Absolutely, dude. I mean, we are, we are dying. We are becoming granpified by the day. So it's fine.

I mean, what's good is our audience is aging with us. That's right. Although I'll say it's better to be grandpified than mummified. Yeah. Well, one follows the other. That's true.

So Steve, if you had to quickly distill in a few sentences what we're dealing with in this movie, how would you take a stab at that? That is the most difficult question you've ever asked me, honestly. The tables have turned, Jay Master. It's,

it is Jean-Claude Van Damme is a retired black-ops agent that is following his nemesis Stavros played by, which is an amazing thing. Mickey Rourke,

along the way, He gets left for dead, joins the set of a different movie for a little bit, and then comes back to his movie and picks up Dennis Rodman. About 45 minutes in, it becomes a double team team up movie where Dennis Rodman is this arms dealer that he uses to infiltrate the Great Stavros. You know, it's funny because, you know, you see, I like I just said a second ago, I hadn't seen this until last night, but I knew of this movie for sure. and I remembered this poster very well or the DVD case or whatever is on IMDB like so you assumed right that it was like pretty much

a JCVD Rodman buddy cop movie but like yeah it's 45 minutes then Rodman has one scene and then like another like 20 to 25 minutes goes by where he's not in the movie again and then he's in like the third act through the credits. It's like if Chris Tucker was on the poster for the fifth element again.

Yes. You're totally right. Like it just doesn't make any sense. My favorite thing about this movie's plot is I guess, because he's a, you know, a retired black ops agent. So he, JCVD working for the U.S. government overseas and Dennis Rodman's the one from Belgium. Yeah, I mean, I guess he's probably an expat as well.

Yeah, I mean, it would have to be. But I just think it's funny that it's just like he goes to Antwerp, Belgium to meet Dennis Rodman. Well, everything's flipped. Everyone in America sounds like Jean-Claude Van Dam. And everyone in Belgium sounds like Dennis Rodman. Yeah, everybody in Antwerp knows exactly what he's saying. You're like, yeah, he's speaking

very well. Better planet. The beginning is a lot. And it's like this like pre-credit or I guess it's a credit sequence with it's a super train movie and like he's, it's like there's this weird thing where it's like

all right, Jack Quaid or Jack Quinn, And your mission is to stop Stavros from getting these missiles to the Iraqis for some reason. And if you get it to the border, you get to retire. And then we cut to a room full of like air traffic controllers who are like, oh, man, he's never going to make it. I'm like, who is anyone? Dude, I got to tell you, I started watching this yesterday at approximately like 5.45 p.m. I wasn't fucked up in the slightest. and in this, like, cold open, I was just like,

wait, what are they, what is going on? I completely lost track of what was happening here and had to do, like, because Lord knows I wasn't going to pause it, but I was like, to the Wikipedia plot summary. And yeah, it is, because it starts, and it's definitely like a, previously on Jack Quinn. Yeah. And it's like his adventure of, yeah, Stavros has stolen something,

but he's racing to get, like, plutonium back across the border. And yet, it's all in, like, like a super truck and I looked down for two seconds and I was like when I look back up with the television I was like wait a second because they never cut to him this was really interesting and confusing they never caught to him like an interior of him driving this truck and I was like wait is JCPD supposed to be driving this truck what is fucking happening and then yeah this control room out of nowhere I was like who are these guys well you definitely don't see Stavros you just hear the name Stavros because Mickey Rourke doesn't make an entrance until the amusement park

And that's a problem. I think they should have established it earlier, make him like this badass at the start. And so I can understand the rivalry between Quinn and Stavro. Exactly. You see you say that, but like this is like the cold open of almost any other action movie. Like Broken Arrow has a scene like this.

Face Off, I think has a scene like this. But it's at like slapstick pace. It is the 90s. And like, it's like get through it. Just, you know, don't let it blow. Don't let it set in too much. Like we just want to be like, yeah, he survived the last. Ready for the new one, buddy?

But what you're saying there, it's interesting you're bringing up Faceoff, right? Because Face Off does this cold open the way we were just saying we hoped this happened, right? Because in Face Off, you see Nicholas Cage is the one that assassinates Travolta's kid. And that's all in that, like, you see Nicholas Cage in that scene. Like, this needs to be... With an assist from that Freddie Mercury mustache, to be fair. Oh, sure, that's right. That's right, of course. But never suspect a thing.

And also, I would argue... Oh, my God, it's a great disguise. I would also the connection between Travolta and Cage is not as important is much more important

than the connection between Rourke and Jean-Claude Van Dam in this movie Not necessarily because he wasn't killing his kid and you know what I mean

like the stakes become incredibly high at some point well we'll get to the kid killing but that's all on Rourke yes I also wasn't entirely

certain that JCVD was the one that pulled the trigger on that kid to be perfectly honest with. Yeah, there was a lot of crossfire. I rewound it and rewatched the scene again. I went back after I watched the entire movie. And then I'm like, oh, shit, that's the same tiger in the amusement park that we see later in the film. I'm glad. Because you know what? The tiger got

two paychecks out of this movie. That's Tiger foreshadowing, dude. It's a Chekhov's Tiger. You show a Tiger in the first act. It's got to go off. You better explode by the end of it. Yeah, that tiger goes off all right. Don't worry about it. Yeah, Jean-Claude was a professional. He pet me, and I didn't even want to snarl. I didn't want to bite his hand or nothing. And, you know, and Mickey, you know, he was smoking cigarettes near my eyes. I don't like that shit, you know.

And, you know, good actor, though, beautiful actor. It is also. Also generous with the steaks. Always had a stake for me on set to gnaw. Always called me Tony the Tiger. I love that, you know? I just love that. It's just interesting to see like a zoo slash amusement park that this is.

Anyway, I'm jumping ahead here, but anyway. I mean, this first seat is like nothing. It's like the end of stripes for 14 seconds and then it's over with. Yeah, I will give it, though. I like the stunt of him. And I mean, I was laughing out loud because I like the stunt of the super truck thing going over the train. But it is this hilarious thing where he is just driving up to a train that has already started crossing, you know, the road. And it's like, oh, what is he going to do?

and then all of a sudden he hits this jump this is a magic jump this jump was not there you see there's shots of like the flat road going right to the train tracks and out of nowhere this super truck is just flying through the sky

incredible Jack Quinn must be driving that nobody makes trucks fly like Jack Quinn they're talking about Jack Quinn like they're laying money down on him making this mission like there must be a pool in the office because they're like, oh man, if Jack makes this run, he can retire finally. Oh yeah, Ted,

I heard that. Yeah, this is a death squad radio. We're just talking about the death squads around the world and just breaking down what they're doing in the other countries. He must be the most famous, right? Because like once we get to the aisle of the damned spies or whatever, everyone knows him. Well, that's what I was, I was getting, yes, just like the caller mentioned, it's very The Prisoner, which is a weird television show from the 60s, that they remade with Ian McKellen, and I want to say Jim Caviesel on AMC, like maybe 10, 15 years ago. You are good. But I was also getting a super John Wick vibe of like, yes, this is the community of all of our international assassins.

You know, but they're all just like secret agents or like Men for Hire kind of. with profession. It sounds like it's Del Boca Vista for those guys. It is. Like the hotels were like you hired them out, but like when you can no longer like you can only be a consultant and like you have to rest for the rest of the time.

So like it's like they're hanging out with Jerry Stiller and Luca Brazi on the fucking, you know, days off. And then you're like, yeah, we should definitely invade Pakistan. That is why J.C.V.D. had to escape. Fucking Jack Klompis just took over the condo board. Hey, JCVD, what is that, a Cadillac?

Oh, Mr. Clompass, you need to give my son back his astron of pain. His asserun of pain. Need to go back. That was no gift. No gift. And you know what's funny, too, is like much like the first movie we covered in Listener Request Month, the Pest, a movie where he goes to a magic island and you think, like, that's where the movie's taking place. and then John Logizamo goes back to Miami.

This again is like cool. Now we're on this island. There's all this like crazy shit. It's like heroes and villains retiring together. We monitor all the world governments and advise. They pay us. It's all this incredibly fascinating setup that could be something. And you think the end of, like this movie is going to be like,

all right, JCVD works his way up to toppling this organization. Maybe he finds out it's crooked or whatever. But instead, he just leaves again. Well, it becomes an action movie. Well, this was written as a spec script, and it was called The Colony, and they just kind of took it. And I guess when they turned into a J-CV-D movie and then also subsequently a Dennis Rodman project, they were like, well, they need to get back on the road and we need to make it more of an action movie, which is this is more thinky or whatever, a little too thinky for the double team crew. We have the first act and we have the third act. We need a script for the second act.

exactly it is pretty bizarre like why not just write another script and why take this script and say we gotta make it worse so he winds up going retiring to the south of france or wherever the fuck and he's got a beautiful wife and uh she's got some she's a sculptor and she's pregnant and your swan is beautiful you are beautiful her like horrendous horrendous abstract sculptures. Oh, they're bad. Oh, honey. Otho isn't coming over again. Is he strong Beetlejuice vibes? Absolutely. Totally. Oh, this movie could have used a comical haunting. Or Robert Goulet shows up for dinner. Yeah. JCV needs to be a ghost movie before everything's said and done.

There's not some, I was going to say, dude, there's not some secret movie he did that's like pseudo-paranormal. Nobody knows it exists, but it came out in like 2009 or something. I hope so. And if you know of such a thing, please slide into those DMs. Hey, pal, close your legs. Hey, he, hoo, I would kill for Dick Kavana just to go up to Mrs. Quinn. I've always thought your art was terrible.

There's a moment with him and his wife here. I mean, it's kind of hilarious because she's like visibly pregnant, right? like any day now this baby's coming and she's just like Jack the baby it's what we want no and they're like sitting in this swimming pool

and I was like you know what I don't know the preview told me that Dennis Rodman's in this movie can we move all this along a little bit also it's a little late to have that conversation I mean you might be out of the out of illegal jeopardy if you're having that conversation

well I don't know about that man Riley they're in France you take them to some you know countryside French nunnery, drop the baby on? Oh, yeah, oh, for sure. Oh, that's the classy way to do it. You want to abandon a kid. You go to Europe,

you find a convent, and you really abandon that kid. That is like madman shit right there. That is the Cadillac of abandoning your child. It's just pristine, lovely. By the way, internet ticker, previous episode,

no retreat, no surrender, has JCVD and a ghost. I think that's it. wow okay there's a ghost in that movie i think there's like a the ghost of bruce lee you know yes i think so right oh shit yeah there you go you're right i mean it's probably in the archive if anyone wants to listen to that episode to know what the ghost was jcvd has a uh uh dennis ferena getting uh will graham back in the game seen here near the pool uh where he's like the guy's like Yeah, I know you just got retired, but you got to come back at the game.

Come on, Jay, let's go back. Let's fucking do it. This guy is great because you completely expect this dude to be around for the whole movie, and I was like, I don't know if I can take that. Because he's like, he's very enthusiastic about being a part of a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, but boy, this guy, not an actor, maybe a stunt coordinator who just got the role or something. These lines being delivered were bad. The line he says that really stuck with me, because, like, Jean-Claude Van Damme's,

like, oh, you come in and decide, why don't you come to the front door? And he's like, ah, Jack, I came to the back door. You should know that. I'm like, wait, what, what are we references? His anal sex fetish. Got it. Well, let me tell you something. I'm glad you brought that line up, Steve, because it just reminded me of a thing that was incredibly frustrating while I was watching this. I rented it on Apple. And the subtitles did not match the dialogue entirely. like it was a thing where what they were saying was the sentences were being

restructured for the subtitles so like the message was still getting across but it was not verbatim and so I hate that shit you know it was just it was very confusing but one of those hilarious restructuring

of the sentences was at that part because the guy in the subtitles says like oh yeah well Jack you know all about going in the back door I was like, are we talking about ass-fucking or are we not? I am going to come in your back door. Well, there is that weird line later when Mickey Work is like, it's tight in this back.

Well, that makes sense for a CIA man, huh? Yeah. Your asshole's tight, right? Yeah, yeah, can you talk to best your asshole a little bit? Because he basically is like Stavros is back and listen, you can't retire until Stavros retires. Well, I guess so. because it's the great kid and there's a lot of like the great game is afoot because I think like

the next scene is this guy like getting into his car and Mickey Roark has hijacked it and it's like the only good thing you ever did is getting Jack Quinn back in the game and I'm like what game is this what are you what on earth are you talking about you don't want this guy after you it's the spy game man he loves the thrill of the chase I don't know also this dude blowing up in his own car is fucking hilarious because like he can't he can't unlock the door, like, Mickey Rourke really has this car rigged a blow. And like, it is a daytime assassination with a car bomb. And it's like Stavros just slowly walks away. And there's tons of people around and no one was like, hey, seconds before that car exploded, that guy over there

got out of it and hasn't turned around since it exploded. Yeah, by the way, let me, could somebody help me pick this shrapnel out of my face? Anybody, anybody want to help me? I mean, like, Stavros is, like, throwing, like, octopus in his mouth while he's doing this, I assume. And you just had to cut that out. We get that brief moment of, of Mickey Wark walking away from the car as it explodes looking cool as fuck, right? Yeah, man. I got to say, Mickey Rourke, not looking half bad in this movie. He's looking pretty good.

That's he learned. He knew he was in a movie with JCVD. Yeah, but it's also before he became the Red Skull. So that's before that. Also for sure. But, like, not that many years, right? Because, I mean, what the hell was the wrestler? The rest of the 2010, almost.

Oh, was it 10? It was, okay. So what was it like, uh, it was, there was plastic surgery run amok, and then there was probably human growth hormone or something. Oh, definitely. You got like ramboified a bit. Yeah, he, in 08, he's the wrestler. Uh, he's a domino.

Loof. Uh, he's a man on fire for a second. Once a put a time, Mexico, I barely remember him in. I remember him in. I remember him very clearly because he has the tiny dog. And that's like when you start not being able to recognize him. He gets the tiny dog and he wears like a straw cowboy hat. And it's like what is happening?

Yes. Oh, dude. Honestly, that movie might be a stay tuned. Yeah. It's not very good. Yeah. No, it's not. That was a movie. It was like one of the biggest letdowns because it was just like, oh my God.

It's fucking desperado too. Like, let's do it. It was like, oh, man, what is? Johnny Depp doing in this movie? Well, that's the thing. Is it 2003? It was like Desperado 2 probably wouldn't have made that many big ways. It was Desperado 2 plus Johnny Depp. Yep, that's exactly right, because that's at like the height of the pirates' powers and everything.

Yeah. No thanks. No thanks. I do like this scene of him going to Dennis Rodman's seedy fucking sex club and the like S&M gimp dancer in a water tank. Pretty creative sex club Pretty creative It just seems a little

dangerous is all I'm going to say Madam if you're You know what I mean She's got the gas mask that is Coming into the water that is her Air Air supply It's like you know like the music's Really loud if something goes wrong

How are you going to alert somebody that you're in trouble? Yeah I would like to think that there's a little thing Like in these glass cubes that they're dancing in or floating dancing in where it's like if you press this little red thing in the corner it emits and this is feasible for this movie at least because Dennis Rodman's like not only like a weapons guy but like kind of a gadgets wizard a little bit

and like you can have a thing where it's like you press the button and some sort of pulse goes through the glass and shatters it if you find out you're like drowning in this tank or something. Like a sharp dildo. Yeah, a dildo just comes out and hoax its way through the glass and you fly out. Just put your mouth to the hole. Just put your mouth to the hole.

If she, like, died in there, you could just flush her down the toilet like a regular fish. He, I don't know is he living at this sex club, do we think, or not so much? Upstairs? Maybe above it? Mm-hmm. I'm going to say yes. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's a thing where if it's not a

full-time living situation, Steve, he definitely has a room there. I live above one sex club and below another sex club. And I love it. The moaning from both ends, man. That's kind of nice, maybe. I mean, Andrew,

the little button you're talking about does exist because the lady in the, who's like snorkeling and dancing or whatever is like, hits a button and opens his secret layer. Oh. He has, she has, like, she's his, like, he has to go up to the glass and be like, hey, and she's like, yeah, here,

and opens the door with a little button on the side. Oh, I see. I think this club is also meant to freak you out a little bit because in the 90s, the idea of anyone having anything other than missionary sex was like, what? Yes. Yeah. I don't know. Because he's Dennis Rodman and he's such a personality, I think if you were to try to make him not that, it's almost then even more unbelievable that he's in this movie. Yeah.

Yes. you know if he was like a straight-laced like john claude van dam's cue or something right like just gadget weapon guy which is kind of what he what he is here but yeah as dennis rodman yeah totally and also his his name is yes and like they're saying yes so much through this movie that after it was over with i was like do i want to go put on upstairs at erics for a little bit listen to some of those tracks yeah yeah and i mean like but of course because jcvd is standing in for all the dads out there that just wants Dennis Rodman to do fucking defense is he's like hood on your hair sigridor Roy don't worry guys I'm just as freaked out as you

this is pretty fucking freaky this is a great exchange because he says the last guy who made fun of my hair had to pull his head out of his ass and then JCVD's like I don't want to hear about your sex life yep it's like

dude it's like the old west with the the gun slinging of the gay jokes in this scene. And it's crazy too to think like, because I know whichever was the surviving member of the two just died recently, so now they're both dead. But just like, thinking

back, man, it feels like 97 is still a little too late for Sigfried and Roy jokes. Yeah. It's just, but no, it was just, it was shorthand for that's hilarious. Yeah, exactly. And I mean, so much so,

definitely definitely a trailer line it was 100% a trailer line so all those dads who were in the theater to see like I don't know whatever piece of shit Steven Seagall movie had this trailer in front of it could just be like god damn right also more tiger foreshadowing oh right

it's a smart movie guaranteed guaranteed they weren't thinking that yeah this is where he's got his like his James Bond-esque kind of Q set up, which is a lot. It's a lot. There's even a bad, like, oh, did you just push that button and he's going to throw the thing because, like, the tiny little keychain is actually a huge bomb or whatever. What I don't understand is there's like, because Jean-Claude Van Damme in this part is part

of a team, like, just make Dennis Rodman part of that team. And he's like the only other guy that made it out. Like that just saves so much narrative information for you. Meanwhile, this team has a sharpshooter later and a guy in shadow in a wheelchair that means nothing. Do anyone else get that? That's amazing. No, there's just a dude in a shadowy figure in a wheelchair? Yes.

And that's just like, and that's Mr. Whatever who does information. And they hold on him for three seconds and he's gone. Hold on a second. I'm doing information. Yeah, keep doing what you're doing. That's my job is to keep telling you to do what you do. how you doing yeah i'm lester i'm here i'm in i'm in the shadows here i don't want to take up too much room or too much time from these places you i know you got people to kill

lester hello yes i've been tracking you for a long time now young man charles i keep telling you i just dye my hair it's it's that's that's all it is i am not a mutant don't deny yourself your true self yes no no no i die my hair i'm i'm naturally six foot seven. Look, look, look, look. I've heard it a thousand times before, young man. Now look, you're calling yourself

Yaz. What were you born? Jonathan? Were you Jonathan? And now you go by Yaz. Yaz is an ex-man name. You know, you know, I do have a special power.

It's ignoring assholes. How would you like to live in Westchester? Perhaps you could play for the Knicks. Dude, the absolute, I'm thinking about the you mentioned like there's a team of people Steve you know and and of course

they're all like Delta whatever and JCVD Delta 1 he's down you know because he's the fucking walking legend or whatever but then there's this woman who's the sniper and he's like oh we could get Stavros over here maybe we could get a shot at him could you make this shot with 200 yards

and she goes with this I can shoot the dick off a hummingbird cut to this woman just getting shot in the face doing

absolutely nothing is out of the movie yeah because hummingbirds don't have dicks also

also true well that's that's her fucking ruse eric because she's like oh no I shot the

dick off that hummingbird that hummingbird ain't got no dick well she didn't lie hummingbirds

ain't got no dick would be a great like novel title I've been looking for the title of

my first A good memoir. So, yeah, so this Delta Squadron's mission here is got to recapture that Stavros, got to capture them alive, going to go to Antwerp, Belgium, I believe we are here. Hilarious, and I thought it was going to be, and boy, how wrong I was, I thought it was going to be the most ridiculous product placement in the movie. this huge hilarious Hynequin billboard that's just there dude you wish you I don't want to spoil it because we'll have a lot of fun

with it but I was howling at this thing that we're all referencing but yeah so they got the whole team you know it's your classic undercover we're trying to catch this guy right you got one of your agents playing a clown there is another guy working the concession stand you know they've got operatives all over the park

and it's important we want to bring Stavros in alive for some reason question yeah instead of just blowing this dude's head off and letting everyone get on with their day we got to bring him in alive yeah you don't even get a like we need him for the information you're just supposed to infer that right you're supposed to infer a lot it's there's it just seems like there's this uneasy thing where it's like whoa he's also a black ops guy and we got to make sure we all go to the same resort when we retire please bring him in alive my favorite thing that you have to infer is that he must like he must have it in his terrorist writer that he has to have his child with him at all killings or all deals like what what is this child

doing at this setup because a it's never it's never said that we have to it's just like the meat is at the is at the amusement park that's where we're going to get him not they're going to get the drug deal is there that's where the plutonium is you know what I mean you don't know what the deal is. I think you're supposed to infer that there was like online chat or something. Like Stavros is going to be in this location. We don't know why.

But it turns out he's meeting his kid. Oh, you know, he's just got a really fucking over, overindulgent Twitter feed. He's like, Friday night, going to see you guys at the amusement park. Okay. Stavros is eating a club sandwich at the city limits diner. Go, go, go.

Oh, look at this. Stavros had someone. and take a picture of him playing the ring toss game at the amusement park. Let's get him. Oh my God, he's having the Heineken Amber. Oh, my God, that's disgusting. That's disgusting. Somebody stop him. Stop. Disgusting. We need to take him in alive. Get that drink away from him. Dude, Heineken, Amber, heaven forbid.

Heineken, anything. But, I mean, yeah, also, Heineken Amber, that's a mistake. If you're going to go for Heineken, just get the green stuff and call it a day. Yeah, just deal with it. You're doing to drink junk. It's fine. Yeah, if you absolutely have to. So wait, so is the idea that he was coming here for completely innocent reasons? It is.

Yeah, I think you're supposed to, because I was confused by this, but I think it's a thing where it's like, you know, the H's O on Stavros and like his whole family or whatever. And this is the way he's able to kind of get any time to see his child. Because also the woman that he's with, you don't know what's the mother or just. like a guardian or something has the kid like hidden in her coat it's a very weird reveal that's doing a lot to that kid guaranteed well he don't worry his psychology doesn't have much more to go true very true yeah the trauma will end pretty quickly but like it's a reveal because i guess the idea is supposed to be like you're expecting it's going to be because she's wearing this

enormous trench coat or raincoat and you expect it's going to be a bomb candy under there Bob or guns or drugs But she opens it up And a little kid is between her legs It's almost like she was sitting on his shoulders Dude, yeah, it does kind of look like that It's an hysterical Move by this movie

Also it's weird Because like it's raining And like the amusement park Appears to not be looking to shut down at all And it is the funniest thing because like All the agents are out there and everything Including this guy who's dressed as a clown and there is something just so goddamn hilarious

but looking at a clown that got stuck in the rain. It's just, it's more grungy clown shit. Yep. Every month we're going to do a grungy clown movie and I'm going to hate it. It's surprisingly kind of busy at this rainy amusement park. That's what I'm saying.

I don't understand why people aren't going home. Get that tiger inside. What are you doing? Exactly. No, no, no. Keep all the electrical equipment on. Actually, up the voltage. If you can.

But I guess because, like, she, the sharpshooter has a shot at Stavros at this point. And I guess because John Claudevette is close to having a child here, he's like, oh, I'm not going to give the order to take the shot. But then Stavros sees her and kills her anyway. And then in a hail of gunfire, the mother and the kid are gunned down. Yauza. Now, see, just open fire on your enemy. Who cares about the child being there? If he just shot at both of them,

I mean, he could have gotten Stavros, McGee Rourke, he could have been down, and then maybe the kid would have been okay, or maybe you shoot the kid in the leg. Also, we've been told that they were supposed to use non-lethal rounds, like tranquilizer darts. Trank the kid. You're totally right.

Because that's what, when J.CVD in the previous scene is like, do you think good hit Stavros at 200 yards? What they're discussing is using, a fucking dart. So, like, it makes no sense. The shot is not obstructed at all. This woman could have nailed him right in the shoulder. The kid wouldn't have been

affected whatsoever. It's just like, it's a messy way to have this all unfold. You're telling this story, like, clean up this fucking shit. Make it make sense. That's the thing is, like, it's just moving along at such a clip, and I kind of like that. I

don't like that it's making points to, like, really slow down. It's just like, completely off the rails, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. But, like, even with this split, like, I, did you think that the kid was dead right away? No. No, I did not at all.

I thought, like, the, the lady that was with him got tranked, and then when Stavros takes the kid, another shot hits the kid, because then there's blood. Then you see blood with the kid. So is it the lady gets it first, is the idea? The lady gets hit with something, and then Stavros takes the kid away from her and the kid's still alive in that moment

but then there's another shot I think it's when the guy slips on the Coca-Cola cans Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that JCVD also slips on some And then like while slipping on Coca-Cola He manages to turn that into an advantage And starts kicking people in the face By the way, we got our first JCVD kicks

About 17 minutes in No, no, that's that you lost one star it's bullshit because you know you have that cold open steve and like he's stealing that super truck maybe he has to give an awesome super kick to the driver yeah yeah okay before he steals it like you can't make me go this long without seeing a kick like that kicks a guy's head right off his body that would have been an amazing start um do we we also get stavros vision here anyone else see this no wait what it is the weirdest part of this movie. Oh, man. I got to get myself a little dog and a weird little straw hat.

Because like when she's has the hummingbird dick line, uh, a JCV to volley's back. He's like, you don't understand. Stavros is like a snake. The minute, the minute that you lock eyes with him, he is behind you and he's shooting you. And I'm like, and I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? And what that means is that he, he has slow-mo vision. Like he can shoot you before you could shoot him. Yeah, you get inside the mind of Stavros and everything is slow because I guess it's just been on downers all day, much like Mickey Rourke. I got myself some bullet time. Oh, look at that.

Got some of me slow-mo in this inhaler. I'm going to take that real quick. Taking a job. Taking a job for the Mama clan and also Saddam Hussein because it's 98. When he's threatened, much like a skunk when he's threatened, he releases a mist of opioid. and everybody just goes slow-mo. This is the bad days. The all-or-nothing days.

I'm doing downers in the morning and downers in the evening. My whipped cream canister budget is through the roof. All-or-nothing days. I mean, it's funny in Sin City when they had to put all that makeup on his face to make him look like a Frank Miller character, but it's like that's the best he's looked in years, honestly, like that. Hey, can I take this? home or you're going to need all this chin putty or what

here's here's my biggest one of my biggest curiosities over the last like 10 years and I've never made the choice to bite the bullet is Sin City a watchable movie I would have told you in the in the a aughts it was but I don't know why I remember when most of us went to see it back in the old purchase days like we were all psyched as fuck. I mean, I loved

it back in, you know, 07 or, no, 05, or whenever the hell it came out, you know, I was 21 years old. I think I watched it maybe seven years ago and wasn't so into it, but then I watched the sequel and I was like, oh, that movie's a master fees.

I think you could still enjoy the look of it, but like the, like the Frank Miller's sensibility all over that is a little tough to digest these days. Yeah, I get that. I feel like that probably wouldn't age for me well either. Although I had most of those books and had read them all the times. It's got a great Michael Manson performance in the beginning.

Like, hey, Harding, and you got a bum ticker, and you just got the word, yeah. You wouldn't know this to hear my voice, but I'm a corrupt piece of shit. The biggest sin of Sin City is the fact that, like, that aesthetic and then the grim darkness of it, like, it's direct correlation. Like, that's why 300 got greenlit. Like, Zach Snyder is a person because Sin City came out. A thousand percent, yeah, because it was, and the style of it, which it was the, my God, we're going to use a comic book as a storyboard. Could you imagine? And that was what, that's what 300 was, and that's why 300 exists, for sure.

You're totally right there. One of my favorite lines, not to keep harping on this kid getting assassins. it had seen. But one of the things that happens also is like, of course, they have their team there, but Stavros has all his guys there too. And one of those guys turns to our guy who's dressed like a

clown and just goes, too late, clown boy, and shoots this guy. Clown boy. I couldn't tell him in the mesmerizing action. Now, was his guy's the one with the animal masks? Yes, I think that's the...

I dug that. It was kind of like you're next. Yeah, you're right. Oh, yeah, totally. Good movie. Great movie.

And something, something. We're in a hospital somehow? Devereux gets away and runs into a hot, and it would abandon maternity ward. A baby room. More distinctly a baby room. They're hanging out in a baby room together and fighting.

I mean, like, if terrorists or whatever, A, there's nurses always, nurses and doctors around those babies. all the time. And I'm pretty sure nurses and or doctors

would be doing their damnedest to either shoe the gunman away from the baby or get the babies out of the area. This is the perils of socialized medicine. I see. Your babies will be left undefended

from gunmen. No, you don't understand. We have to turn off the lights all the time in the maternity war to save some money. It's like an abandoned hospital. It's Lars von Trier's the hospital it's like creepy show who god you keep saying abandoned but there are babies all around yes exactly i mean again like i just i believe that much of the human spirit that people would not just abandon babies like listen you you want to abandon like between like i don't know

one and four babies fine you do you an entire ward i mean that's like two dozen babies that got maybe now we were talking about 300 and now my mind is maybe these guys didn't pass the baby inspector oh man i forgot about the baby inspector yeah terrible job terrible do not give birth at spartan medical oh yeah all nothing but red x is on those charts in this in this little room here and like expect at least one person like um hey guys um you want to take that next door guy got guy come on the babies are trying to sleep have the gun play next door please i have to believe i have to believe that like, it's like, because fucking Mickey Rourke is

going through so much trauma from just watching his son get shot in the chest, that he's just like seeing babies everywhere. I don't even think JCVD's there. I think he's just in an abandoned room and he's just like, my baby, I wanted to bring my baby to watch me kill so many people. I wanted to

watch my baby to watch me strangle people, shoot them in the head, knife them in the eye. I want to do so many, my baby's gone now. Oh, God. This isn't slow-mo. He has a great line here I think it's here Where he's like

You know my baby My boy Love this little pony He loved that little horse And that little horse is going to miss my son Oh right You know What an empathetic guy

Think of the little horse At a time like this It's just like so fucking unhinged And not for this movie man You just have to imagine That after all this like Imagine Stavros survives, and it's just him commiserating with the pony about his fucking dead son. Like, I love my, I love my baby son.

I loved him so much, butters. How am I going to tell Puddles what happened? I just don't, I cannot figure out how I could ever break this to Puddles. Puddles, please sit down. You're going to need an extra salt lick today, buddy. Oh, my God, my horse. my poor poor horse I mean he's like

And he's like You know And that horse Isn't gonna get to see my son grow up And he's just a cry What I thought was going to happen here Was his voice This is his godfather

We're gonna have a carrot You and me And we're gonna throw a carrot down For those we lost Oh no Look what they did Look what they did To my boy

Oh I'm gonna go full vengeance On these sons of wretches Dude JCVD partnered with a horse in a movie that's called like horse assassin or something. Yes. Now we're talking. Oh, well, this is your gritty Mr.

Ed reboot right here. Absolutely. That's a long time coming. A long time coming, I would say, yeah. Go fuck yourself, Wilbur. Yeah, I'm guessing I'm back. And then you just hear a horn go, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

I'm back. Now my horse is going to kick you to death. My horse also does splits. Oh, ew. Do you guys kind of disgust anything about it? You should try it. Today it was reported that 300 horses were killed on the reboot of Mr. Ed because they kept out trying to make them do splits.

That's 300 horses. Split right in half. Biggest horse apocalypse since HBO's luck. horse apocalypse by the way again another movie that i would watch uh yeah surprising he doesn't steal his own baby at the end of this scene that's where i thought we were kind of good because like why else are we there ladies and gentlemen well also there's a part where a grenade is thrown near um a bunch of babies and jean claude van dam like kicks it away and you know at least at least 10 to 12 babies

bite it here in this grenade explosion, at least. But I love the fact that Stavros is like, I'm going to put this grenade in this baby carriage and wheel it at him while I leave. He's just going, burnt earth, kill all these babies. It's fine. My baby's dead.

Steve, I think you're right about the body count, but also the babies that survived, they're all totally deaf. Oh, at least. There's no way a little baby eardrums and a grenade goes off. come on that's a room of deaf babies now now this is this i don't know if it's even on the air anymore but this is this is an episode of myth busters oh yeah that's a good idea babies together right and then you set off a grenade

and film it all right ma'am is your baby deaf after our myth busting or what why did you do this we need to figure out still a show we need listen ma'am we needed to prove whether or not double team was accurate, okay? The 1997 film Double Team. I'm going to go find out if lawsuits are accurate. Goodbye. We're not going to know for a while if these babies are deaths, so we're going to do like a

21 up type of thing with all them. No, I think you can give a baby hearing test. You think so? I guess. Yeah, you make like noises and you look and see if they react to it and shit on either side. Oh, like with gibberish though, not with like the English, you know, not with language.

well yeah yeah there's other ways there's other noises to be made besides the english language i just want to follow up to see if these babies can talk oh shit the grenade somehow makes them super babies and then they are just talking babies so here's the pitch it's a sequel to double team but we're not focusing on anything that happened except the babies in this random scene that doesn't make any sense it's called baby geniuses that's how it happened So he winds up, knocked out, and I guess what's your been called? Stavros lets him live because he's playing the long game for revenge here. But, uh-oh, he's been sent to The Colony.

Which is like, just start the movie here and have him get out. Oh, my God. Yes. Like this, you could totally cut off that super tank called open. Oh, that could go. Dumb shit with his wife or whatever. and this is like this mission at the amusement park is the opening and it's like here's how we fucking get stavros finally after all this time stavros we're getting him tonight and then boom i get what

you're saying but i also don't think they're going to release a 65 minute movie i wish they would then this movie could be more about the stuff on the colony which is like totally unexplored and arguably the most interesting part of the movie i would agree with that easily uh yeah he went wakes up and it's like, you have, hey, you're a secret agent and you didn't kill Stavros, therefore you've gone soft. And this is all like a TV telling them this. Like, you either have to agree to be in the colony or will kill you right now. And he's like, I guess I agree to go colony.

Here's the thing. When you're doing shit like this and it's like, you know, like low tier, not in the distant future Star Trek shit or whatever, but like it's low level science fiction with what it's proposing here. you got to have a better monitor system than just John Claude Van Dam looking at a garbage tube television. You're right. Because I am led to believe that this tube television is some sort of like high-tech

communication device and it's just a 4-3 tube TV. You are right because there is a laser net under the fucking ocean. Yeah, exactly. This is when, because I was like, you know, I started this movie like 10 last night. And I was like, I expected a low impact. I'm going to watch this movie, take some notes, and have a good time. It's a buddy cop. And then we get to this island.

I'm like, oh, man, I'm going to fucking break my wrist right in these notes. Like, what is happening right now? JCVD at an island. I was expecting double impact, not low impact, this episode. Well, I mean, like, it's kind of cool that he's hanging out with the Adiano Jones's Nazi friend. Do you fucking Belloc is in this movie? I couldn't even believe it.

Poor bastard, man. That guy's career, he's in one of the arguably one of the biggest movies of all time. and he's the villain and he's great that movie and his career is a toilet tank what else has he been in besides Indiana Jones and this he's in hot fuzz

for a hot minute so that's like the other good one and he's also he's the villain in the Power Rangers movie and he looks like shit than that oh is he does he Ivan ooze

he is exactly Ivan ooze oh my heart isn't he can't even isn't he a theater guy though I'm sure oh I'm sure that that's what he was doing. I'm not saying the guy was like a bad actor. Yes, I have portrayed

King Lear, Hamlet Henry the 5th and also Ivan Ouse. A midget rangers, you want to see it open just as much as I do. He's Paul Freeman is his gentleman today. We should give him credit as we're shitting on

his career ruthlessly. Is he still with us? Looks to be, yeah, yeah. Nice. All right. Now we're talking. Way to go. Bellock. Way to live. And he's like, well, Mr. Quinn, welcome to the island of lost super agents who I don't know, for some reason, need this to keep being alive. You've got Leon the professional's old place. We had to take care of him. There were some things we found on his computer. Yes, you know, we are global assassins, but we are not monsters, Mr. Quinn. Also, so he is,

it's kind of hilarious because like when J.CVD sees this dude he just goes Alex Goldsmith the taxman dude they've all got like dipshit nicknames like that and he's the tax man

okay because he comes to collect I imagine yeah once a year he comes to collect exactly and my fucking enemy here yep but he is and like he's like yes yes yes and

This is, the rest of your life shall be spent here. And it's like, and it's like, oh my God, it's that massage at Don't know. And this other guy. And is that style? I love stall. His nemesis. And it's a lot of like, you know, it's, it's kind of, it's weird because like what they're telling you, like, as he's seeing all these dudes, you sort of realize, like,

is Jean-Claude van Dam like really bad at his. job because he sees that guy and he's like, didn't I kill you in Belarus? And then it's like another guy, I thought I blew him up back at the can. And you're like, are you confirming any of these kills? What is your

job? It turns out he's fucking awful at his job, which makes sense why Mickey Wark keeps getting away. Yes. And I mean, here's my question about the island. I think I'm right here. Half to 75% of this island is suckety.

other off right that's that's yep you're i mean look you're you're you're trapped for all time like sure that's that's what you're doing yeah they went in rome dude exactly there's nothing wrong with that do you think there's absolutely nothing wrong with it i just i just want to confirm that and i feel like that's what like confirm that i do want to confirm because i feel like that's what belloc's trying to get at here and it's like you know there's a lot of things we could do on the side not many things we could do on the island but there's some things we could do on this island we're all retired from the international stage we are two-val valuable to kill, too dangerous to set free, and ready to 69 until the sun comes up.

Check it out, everyone. It's fresh meat. Oh, I mean, Jack Quinn. I assume since you're a spy that you know how to handle a stick shift. Yeah. And also, like, again, you know, I know I keep harping on they don't explore this at all, but like the idea of these like super agents and super villains being forced to live together on this. island i don't know man seems like more than enough for a movie to me yep but i'm not sure if i would get my my my action movie here i wouldn't get my jcvd action movie here i'd get my interesting we're all spies because half of these jcvd is you know wonderful a beautiful specimen here the rest of these guys are 57 years old yeah you know what this could be like a good sequel to the american with george cluny yes well actually it's actually you say cluny and uh uh jcv appearance. He's wearing this

late 90s Cluny cut and it's not working for me, man. No. Thank you for bringing that up. It's a bad fucking haircut. It's trash. He's got, yeah, the Clooney like Caesar cut thing, absolute garbage. It needs to be longer than this. I'm not asking for full hard target. You know,

I know I'm not greedy. I'm not greedy. You're a realistic man. Yes, but like at least like blood sport level, like just a little bit more than this. Shape. Yeah, I just, I just, I is, you know, it would be one thing if it was like, because the movie

does play with that whole three years later and then we're in the south of France at the beginning, if you want him to have that haircut then, it's like, all right, he's been out of the game. He can look like a dipshit, that's fine. But then it's like, maybe one of the things when he like gets, you know, reintroduced to the game is he has to go to the haircut station really quickly

before he goes down to the office. I don't know. Armando, give me the usual. Yeah, I'm thinking I'm back. exactly yeah so he gets his first case there's this whole thing about a plane that was bound for

soul and it is fucking hilarious in this movie they know exactly what audience level they're playing to because the guy's like yes it was a plane bound for soul South Korea it's like yeah I fucking got it man thanks a lot

the official line is that like North Korea shot down this passenger jet and I thought that was interesting because you know Kim Jong-un owns this movie since Dennis Robinson. Oh yeah. They're buds. I didn't put that together, dude, but you're totally right.

He's probably like, yeah, it's great that I'm a plot point in this. Yeah. Or I guess my father was a plot point. Exactly. Every CIA and FBI agent on the North Korea desk has had to seen this and Simon says. Absolutely. And I bet you I bet, I bet Kim Jong-un made Dennis Rodman watch this movie with him.

Absolutely. Yeah, that makes sense. Because he made him play basketball or watch basketball. I'm rusty on my foreign relations with Dennis Rodman. I think they were, I think they were watching basketball. I think doesn't, well, Rodman played in, in Asia for a long time, too. Like, he's one of those guys that just like when he bought, not even bottomed out of the NBA, he's just old. But it's like, I get still make a, I get still make a ton of money.

money playing in Asia and he did and I think that's that's kind of how he wound up in Kim Jong-un's purview possibly oh okay but I just know the family was obsessed with movies as well yes yes oh yeah the whole it's a family of hardcore cinefiles that's actually crazy because

Kim Jong Il that's the father yeah yes he wrote a book that yes yeah that book about cinema I've always kind of wanted to read it what's the movie pulgasor there's a oh the that's thing that's like a it's like a north korean Godzilla yeah yeah that

I've seen it dude it's on YouTube wild stuff um so yeah so this whole thing they're trying to solve this mystery like what actually went down and like so it's like this team of guys and they're all analyzing all the same footage

and forensic evidence and the chatter over wherever chatter was happening in 1997 and the thing is like the idea that like you know what Jean-Claude van dam is really good at analysis like you know it just doesn't like there are guys that are like you know uh tactical whatever's you know obviously paul freeman i i buy him as an analyst that can like think about

these things and the great chess match but like i don't buy this idea that like we we cannot kill jack quinn because he's too valuable to us what for his brain but steve he's the only one who knows to look at the press conference from the White House and know that the press secretary is lying so he has this

he's like, wait a minute, wait a minute. The Americans are lying. They are lying through their cheeseburger teeth. I wish I didn't have cheeseburger teeth. I got a case of cheeseburger teeth.

Cheeseburger gut, cheeseburger ass, cheeseburger teeth. Actually, my ass is okay. You got cheeseburger neck hair. Oh, definitely. Cheeseburger nails. Oh, yeah.

I love your cheeseburger teeth. But so what is the consensus here? It's actually something that the Americans accidentally did and they're covering their own asses. Sure. It doesn't matter. But yes, I think that's what the, I think that's the idea is like they, yes. there's a secret there's a secret there's a secret other plane that caused this plane to fall down and whatever the americans were trying the americans were trying to spy uh and they

retaliated against them but hit the jumbo plane instead so the koreans definitely did it but the americans don't want to admit to spying on the the north koreans that's the idea yeah and that they were and that they were caught by them too i see so like really jean claude van dam kind of solved nothing. But like Steve said, it doesn't matter. We have, we are explained, there's a bunch of things that not only prevent you from leaving the island, but if

you do escape, there are other fail safes in place here. As Eric mentioned, there's like the, it's the underwater laser system, so you cannot just jump off of a cliff into the ocean. It's a crazy jump to make. Like, I feel like oh, an island that's maybe guarded,

sure, but fucking laser nets and we see them later, It's a lot. You better see them later. And there's also, you will have to wear an Omega watch at all times, which I guess doesn't even tell them where you are because later John Claudev just takes it off. And like it's kind of not a problem.

And then you also, I thought that was just like a like a like a welcome to the club present. Or is it like, well, he's in it. Well, the watch says he's in his room. Perfect. That's where he's supposed to be. Well, look, we'll give you, what do you say, $30,000. for your Rodman movie,

but he has to have the Omega watch on for three minutes. And that's it. You can take it off after it, but three minutes, he has that piece of shit on. With those, like, because I'm not well-versed in the world of time pieces, per se. Is Omega, like, some

fancy brand, or was it just like a bullshit, like Oakley kind of 1997, everybody had one? I mean, they're internationally recognized. I don't know, like, how fancy they are. I think they're above Oakley, if I have to guess. They were pretty expensive. I think Bond had a lot of Omega watches, if I don't...

Oh, okay. Speaking of Oakley, we did get a shot of Dennis Rodman in a pair earlier. Of course. It was the 1990s, man. You were making an action movie. I think you were legally obligated to put Oakley sunglasses in them. Before I open this illegal gun operation in Antwerp, I got to stop by the sunglasses. It's the only

way he can see like normal humans, Eric. He has to have Oakley's. They're prescription Oakley's. These horseshit, like sky blue frames and you can't like see it's just they are the dumbest sunglasses I've seen in a while well matches the rest of them but the other thing that's very important guys if you do escape the island you have a sign to you you do not know who it is but you have a

guardian who is responsible for if you break out they too are allowed to escape and go murder you very very unimportant for the end of the movie. What is the motivation for me to go chase some other guy to murder him? Especially if you let me out of this fucking prison like I'm like bye

Oh well no. Adios. If you actually do hunt down, if you're a guardian and you hunt down somebody who's escaped, they let you go to the girl's colony. Oh, cross the lake. Yeah, you get to go that way. I think maybe though, like if the guardian you know, skips bond also that guy's got a guardian oh that's just a crazy you know cycle until you get the one son of a bitch that's a real like buy the book kind of guy and then you're screwed well everybody all these like hey listen if jack quinn uh escapes i say i'm gonna go after him i'm his guardian then and i'm not gonna go go get him and then anyone who's my guardian do the same thing and then everybody else's guardian and then they'll just kind of accidentally let us all out exactly

That's why you need, I mean, you need something in this movie that's like a, you know, Mission Impossible 3 or a wedlock, deadlock situation, something that makes your fucking head pop off if you step out a line. I thought that's what the watch was, was like a bomb, but it's not. So like he's like training to get out of this thing because he's using all of his incredible mind and physical skills. Finally, we get some leg stuff where he's doing like leg training with the splits on the walls and what have you. Oh, he's just climbing in this door frame. I got to say, I was getting tired just looking at it. Oh, yeah. But the other thing, though, I mean, this split, this first one that you see,

it's confirmation that when he's making these movies, he's taping that sack up. You have to. Because you would be 110% hanging brain if you were in the position that he's in in this movie, wearing the shorts that he said there's got to be a banana hammock in there or something. I was going to say these splits are bananas for sure. he should honestly he should use the sack as a weapon yeah like if it comes out like that just let it hit it somebody in the eye within they'll be out thing about the humiliation of of micky work getting teabagged by jccbd oh my god can you believe it oh my goodness uh what what happened

i don't know i think i just sat in some gum what if the henchman goes up to micky work with a black guy. What happened to you? I don't want to talk about it. No, tell me what happened to you. It was his sack, okay? His sack hit me right in the eye and it hurt really bad and it left a welt. It's surprisingly dense. I don't know. It just is. You know those balls that you like roll around in your hand, like three of them. That's what it felt like right in my eyeball. High velocity. His sack just has a bunch of Benoit balls in him. He don't have regular testicles. He's literally got balls of steels. They hit me right in the three. He's a face. They knocked a filling out. Stavros is angry.

That would be a great bond villain, right? Like Jaws in a way? Oh, yeah, for sure. Just with your, your junk. Oh, and that's what he'd be called is junk. Yeah, junk. Why do they call you junk? Oh, you want to see? That's me. Junk. I'm Jaws' fucked up brother. Yeah. And the business on top there is a flamethrower. Watch out. Oh, nice, dude. if you if you if your genitals get mutilated beyond recognition might as well turn them into weapons yeah absolutely a thing that doesn't really lead to anything and it's pretty dumb because

why not just kidnapper but stavros also initiates this whole thing where he poses as an Italian um you know like patron of the arts and like send someone to JCVD's wife to offer up a sculpture show in

Rome well this is what this this movie turns into Dario Argento's double team it's all these people all these like beautiful women that are horribly dubbed and like we're going around Rome researching things it's very bizarre

I just and like there's so many scenes of like, well, the art show is going to be next week. And I'm like, again, I'm pretty sure the poster told me that Dennis Rodman

is in this movie. I mean, they're just doing a bad job, like teasing the fact that like, make your work clearly, like, got her to come to Rome. And he's like,

yes, I wanted, I wanted your, what is this? Oh, this bullshit? What is this? This is a pipe and some,

what is this? What is this? Did your, your kid do this? you didn't have the baby yet oh my god i'm so sorry i know that i gave me this huge grant and we promised you this huge art show i don't know how it happened those idiots in shipping fucked up your art look at it look what they did do it no this is this is this can't be right right i mean you're insured right look i'm gonna look lady i'm going to be straight with you i was going to kill you

and your child but um i can't pay for this shit i can't i can't do it i can't bring myself to do it I can't do it. The one time I thought I had a patron in my corner. It just turned out to be an international terrorist using me as bait to murder my husband. I am retiring from sculpting. Well, here's a question. Does she know that he's an agent of some kind? I guess she must, right?

Well, no, she does. I think she's just, he's just posing as a rich guy. Yeah. My understanding. No, no, no. But you were saying, Eric, you were asking if the wife knows what JCVD does for him. yeah because I'm sorry because like you think you'd be like okay here is my number one enemy if you see this guy's face right yeah I mean I think it's a thing it it has to be that she knows at least somewhat because she's like that guy shows up she's start right I mean the guy shows up but she's like upset she's also like oh yeah this is going to be one of your things where you're in and out back in 36 hours or whatever like and she's like clearly she knows at least that whatever he does that it's dangerous because she's like way more upset than you would be if like your accountant husband

decided to go back to work. She knows there's some sort of risk involved at the very least. Now Jack, be straight with me. Is this one of your drive-through train missions or is this one of your baby assassinations? Tell me. Tell me. It's going to be a little bit of both. Exactly. I love, so he's, the next movement of the film is the escape. that he is planning and I and this needs to be explained to be by Paul Freeman or somebody because there's a huge a plane drops off a huge pallet of crap every X amount of days or weeks I assume it's supplies right but again I just need somebody like every six weeks that's how do you think we get all this great food that's it yeah yeah it takes two seconds I just need it I

also I love by the way I just want to mention the whole like he's wrestling that tub and Oh, dude. Oh, my God. I was tackling. You're destroying the plumbing of the place. Someone's going to notice he's been up to shit. What is that? So, yeah, it's this training montage where there's one thing where he takes a bunch of bed sheets

and ties him around a bucket full of pebbles and he's lifting that up. But then the thing with this bathtub that I do not understand what I'm looking at is like he's lifting up this bathtub. Oh, yes, it's very heavy. Yeah. And then like he's handless. and he's lifting this bathtub by gyrating his hips and I was like, is he supposed to be lifting

this bathtub with his erection? Is that what's going on? Is he doing some boner lifts? Well, I want that to be true, but I think it's just in general. Maybe it's his leg. He's training his body because I guess it's like a freestanding tub. So, I mean, there has to be a drain somewhere.

I feel like this is very dubious of how this is going to work out for him. But he's lifting it because I guess it's so heavy. to train because he doesn't have the weights. You'd think there'd be a gym or something in this place with all these muscle-bound dudes. This is definitely one of the weirder cutscenes from I married the Eiffel Tower.

I humped the bathtub. More people do it than you think. I'm going to fuck this tub. Listen, dude, I hate to break it to you. That's not how you get off in a bathtub, dude. You're doing it all wrong. You want to get in the bath. First off, get in.

the best. You're going to need your hands. I'm going to tell you that first and foremost. You need your hands. No, no, tub to me. I fuck this tub. Look out below. No, no, no, no, no. Lay in the tub. See how you're naked? Huh? Come on. See how you're going to figure it out. There's also the great moment of him holding his breath, I guess, because we're going to have that thrilling escape underwater. Yes, because he's timing. He timed how long the late. the water lasers are turned off for when this pallet of crap is dropped. Water lasers. What a fantastic movie.

It is also hilarious because the way that he's timing, like how long he's underwater in the tub and holding his breath or whatever, it's like he's making little notches on cigarettes. And I just, again, this is why we need more like Euro Trash Action Stars because I fucking love that this fit as hell kickboxer dude is still just. pain smoking. The cigarette is a French alarm clock. When the cigarette is burned out

at this time. Oh, man. Oh, and also this was the one moment in the movie where I was speaking of Daria Argento Steve, where I had to look away when he cuts ever so gently his own thumb print off of his hand

and sticks it to this pencil eraser because the other thing is like every day at a certain time make sure that they're all still there. There's a security thing in everybody's room where it's like you have to go up to it when the timer goes off and put your thumbprint on it

and like stand there while it registers you. Yeah, you know what's a lot of easier than that? A camera. Exactly that'd be it. Well, look, we're not, listen, I'm not going to invade these gentlemen's privacy. You want to, you want to work out in your room, fuck the tub, whatever.

I don't want to look at that. I just need to know that you're there. so yes he does this big thing where he cuts his thumb off he does create the the simpsons thing with the bird drinking the water essentially absolutely i got somebody to cover for me so that's going to be his thumb and he just chucked he gets to the top of this mountain he just chucks that watch off like nothing it's whatever and then he jumps in just as the lasers are turned off for this pallet of so a pallet is dropped and then other guys got to go get it and then my confusion is then the plane takes another palette or the palette back what what

garbage oh yeah maybe it's all the waste yeah i can't think of what else what wait do we see what it is up in the plane we have no idea okay i don't think yeah i really have absolutely no idea but the funny part is like yeah he's been doing all of this breath training right you know we see him do all that because he has to hide underwater and and swim all the way to this palate and hold on to it and wait for the plane to take it so he can fly up and everything, right? It is, it seems to me

at least, with what you're trying to do here, you got to hold your breath for four minutes or whatever. A little counterintuitive when you're making the dive into the water to just be screaming the whole time. Yeah. And he is definitely like, whoa!

Like all the way down and I'm like, dude, save that breath, man. Get that air in those lungs and also you know you make make as little noise as possible thank you also the island is surrounding by the it's known for screaming fish

so it's fine and he has this guy this nemesis who's like stepped to him a couple times called Stahl who's this like Alexander Gar's guard looking motherfucker huge dude yeah and he is just he just so

that's why I thought he was his guardian because he just so happens to be scuba diving to kill him at that moment? It is a thing that you would see, speaking of Bond, like at the end of a Bond movie, and speaking of Jaws where it's like, uh-oh, he's not dead, now he's right here for somehow like an impossible reason, right? And that's what that, like, just out of nowhere, like, was that dude below the water lasers the whole time?

What the hell was going on? Just, I don't think people looked over a draft of the script. I think what you see is just like after they added in the JCVDness of it all, it was like, cool, you got the draft done, let's go make the movie. No one thought about the shit, but where did that guy come from? There should be like a missing scene or an added scene where it's like the scuba guys are grabbing the supply drop or something. Right. Yes.

And that way, right, it's kind of like in prison, right? You work in the kitchen, you work in the laundry room, whatever. This dude's job, this stall is to like go. go out and, you know, maybe he's maintaining the lasers. Oh, yeah, yeah. That could be another job. Oh, yeah, the weekly guy. The weekly stock of

body bags got dropped off. Oh, fuck, JCVD is on it. This scene exists just to let you know that the lasers mean business. Yes. Yes, and he explodes. It's pretty, because like, JCVD gets away on the hook to the plane and

and Stahl is left to explode by the, well, the lasers which is pretty funny very nice it's pretty it's pretty rad i mean it's a death that's so great that like if they didn't come up with this fucking other thing for micky rourke at the end of the movie that would be a perfectly acceptable way for stavros to go a sea of lasers absolutely and then we get this he's crawling up this cargo uh like this this net of supplies or waste product that is being shipped back and this is a very thrilling set piece it's like a mission impossible movie Yep. It's funny because I just watched

We're going through all the Mission Impossible movies And we just did Rogue Nation And that's he That's the The big plane thing where he takes off Holding onto the side of it and then like He cuts the thing and the parachute goes off And he flies out with the package

You know so like very much was getting Mission Impossible vibes from this And yeah I think this is all a totally great action set piece right here it's a weird thing where like when this movie just decides that it wants to be a jcvd movie and it cuts out any notion of dennis rodman being around and it cuts out anything about the colony and it's just like jcvd kicking ass in various situations this movie is firing on all cylinders and this is one of those totally agree i love that like he asks the guy he asks one guy like you have a parachute he says yes and he throws him off the plate yeah that's kind of awesome Awesome.

Let me get it. It's right over there. I didn't meet all me. I own one. I also love where he grabs a guy with his fucking thighs or whatever and flips him also off the fucking plane. Dude, that guy, you know what? Like, when you're going out, like, I think that guy probably had a parachute, too, but it's like, man, that dude threw me out of that plane in the coolest way possible. I have to give him credit.

And right where a fire extinguisher should be, there is a handgun and a holster. Like, it's like it's part of the plane safety. Okay, that's where the gun goes. And JCVD grabs it. He's like, we are going to make a stop, ladies and gentlemen, to my friend and Antwerp. Because guess what? Dennis Rodman hasn't been in the movie for an hour. Jessica Chastain is just crying right on the side.

What's happening? What's this? What's the why? What's happening? You know, you kill bin Laden and look what else you got to deal with. Oh, Jessica Chastain, you failed in killing Osama bin Laden. You're going to the colony. Oh, definitely. Oh, you killed him. Oh, very nice. Very nice. I heard you have quite that flare for it. I mean, fuck, actually, uh, time was said Dennis Rodman. Osama bin Laden should be at the colony

It's like we told society that SEAL Team 6 murdered you and we gave you that fucking burial at sea but instead Osama bin Laden You're at the colony Brilliant analysis Yeah like I want

Osama bin Laden to come to the pool at the colony and have like the caddy shack like bum bum bum bum bum Well, like, 10 nights, niece comes by. Oh, yeah. Does anyone want to come to my room later

and watch Seinfeld DVDs? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So, yeah, he goes, you know, to Antwerp to meet up with Rodman. This is where it's a weird, like, this is, right? This is the part where he's like, oh, I'm closed for the night. I come back tomorrow. And JCVD, like, shoots the padlock off. And he's like, now you're open for business.

And we get this, like, two second bullshit fight of, like, the two of them really going at it. And I was like, I, there is something about watching Dennis Rodman, super tall guy fighting John Claude Van Damme, clearly a tiny guy. But, like, the movie isn't acknowledging it. Like, the movie, as far as the movie is concerned, they're like, on equal footing. And I'm like, no, no, no. This needs to be a movie where, like, he's towering over him.

He's like a fucking foot and a half taller than him. He is. And I mean, like, that's, that would be kind of cool, right? That would be a cool fight scene if you really leaned into that. Right. And like, speaking of fighting basketball players and John Wick three. Or a game of death with the career of Duel Jabbar again. Oh, right.

Yeah, exactly. It would be interesting to see the play with that. The towering height versus the actual skill of martial arts. Well, that's like the way that they cut, because like, Dennis Rahman clearly cannot fight. Like, he just doesn't have the, like, the physicality for it. So, like, the way they cut it, it's like he's giving him a very, like, intricate introduction to each other. Like, they're, like, slapping hands, then doing, like, bumping hips and then, like, chest bumping. And then I'm like, oh, is this a fight? Or are you just saying hello to each other?

Well, because it is one of those things where the fight lasts for six seconds and then they laugh for another. Yeah, you're like, what just happened? It's one of the, yeah. And he's like, I need all this stuff. And he's like, well, I guess I'll help you now and be in the rest of the movie. begrudgingly. And he's, oh, I'll give you access codes to CIA bank accounts. That will be the tenuous reason we are together. Yes, dude, it is so terrible, right? It's like, because Rodman, of course, being an arms dealer is like, well, where's the money you're going to use to pay for this?

And fucking J.CVD, who has met this guy precisely one other time, is like, you know I'm good for it. It's like, no, he doesn't. What are you talking about? Does this end up being the fake out with the access codes? He's like, oh, yes, you have four accounts from my colony days. And they will give you many monies. Many money. He's like, I don't have any, I don't have any money on me, but I will give you access to these bank accounts.

And that should suffice for all of this, like, munitions that I'm essentially stealing from you for this mission. And he's like, I need a weird. weird parachute thing and he's like, okay, cool. And you have to go with me. He's like, even better. Well, here, so here's my first thing. It's a parachute and the parachute

looks like a jersey. That's not going to work. Okay, I have a parachute that looks like some Nike sneakers. No, no, that's not going to work. Okay, okay. How about a basketball? That's beautiful.

Dude. How about a sign picture of me? and Akeem Malajuan. How about that? How about a parachute with Carmen Electra's whole like pictorial spread on it? The basketball thing is so stupid. I just can't

even. I mean, I was still shocked from the plane sequence because it's not really much of a sequence, but it is so, so, so, so poor. Like the production design is so poor. The two of them are sort of arguing about who's going to jump out of this plane or whatever.

And yeah, he's all like, oh, do you know if your invention works, Dennis Rodman? It looks like the two of them are on the set of an S&L sketch. Yes. It's so fucking terrible. And it's like, you know, yes, this was the episode that like JCVD hosted special cameo by goddamn Dennis Rodman. And they're just like, it's so, so terribly cheap. But then I couldn't believe it because before my shock about that wore off, I was like, oh my God, The parachute device is just a basketball.

Yeah, I mean, at that point, you're imagining, like, O.J. Simpson to be, like, pushed off a deck in a wheelchair or something. I mean, here's the thing. You want that stuff to be in this movie? Totally fine. Let Dennis Rodman talk about basketball. Obviously, he knows basketball. He can perhaps say those lines a little more naturally. But then, if that's the case, you need to have J.C.V.D. be like, I need to go. go see my friend in Brussels. He used to play professional basketball in Latvia. Exactly. That's all I need.

The one line. The one line. Just anything. But like, because why else then is his parachute device a basketball? If not for the fact that before he was an arms dealer, he was a basketball. It gets even worse.

So like as the movie progressive, he just starts talking about like, man, like the last line is about what fine he's going to get from presumably the NBA. And I'm like, they don't care about you. blowing up a Roman Coliseum there's some part where he's like I forget like he dispatches with somebody in a creative way and he goes man that should be a five point shot I was like

oh my God it was actually one of his best moves in this because he grabs some guy like with a guy's got a gun he grabs him by the gun arm and throws him into a passing by like truck through the window yeah it was impressive What he starts fighting towards the end of the movie, I'm kind of okay with it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, all right, at least it makes some sense. Because it's better than him being like a hacker or whatever. We'll get to the monks, I guess.

I mean, the fact that even having this conversation means he doesn't work in the movie and he kind of doesn't add much to it. Nope. You know, he doesn't need just to, because it's not a double team movie. It's not a movie wherein they need to team up to stop the whatever. it's just he's in it he's a co-star you have to be like you're not going to like this Jack

but you gotta work with him or something exactly it's fucking I mean here's the thing right in the first I don't know let's call it 10 to 15 minutes of red heat Jim Belushi and Arnold Schwarzenegger are teamed up and that's the movie exactly

and like you get that shit out of the way early and making an actual buddy thing they have no time to become buddy I wonder if that was an ego thing with JCVD because he doesn't like being buddied up really. Yes, no, he doesn't. Right, that's true. I am a lone wolf.

Okay, you can make me team up with someone. Myself. He does that all the time. You're right. Very often. My favorite costa is Jean-Clau Van Dam. There are a lot. He just done a lot of twin movies.

Yes. That, oh my God. Yeah, he just hates sharing the spotlight. Like, I don't even think. Rob Schneider is in that much of knock off. Thank God. Thank God. Yeah, thank God. But like, I don't even think they try to buddy him with him.

And the only reason you'd have, Rob Schneider is there to be a buddy. Yes. Yeah. Rob Schneider does the comic relief in that movie. I thought, and it's the same director. Yep. It was, it's a visually compelling and we're actually seeing locations, but

whenever a Schneider's on screen, my Lord, it sucks. Yeah. Did Did J.CVD do a second movie with Dennis Rodman? No, there's a movie called Simon Says. Simon says is just, is just Dennis Rodman. Oh, oh, he's the star of that movie? Yes, sir. Is he playing Yaz?

No, I think he's playing Simon. Oh, I guess. Yeah, I guess. I'm relatively sure. That movie gets also requested all the time. Oh, is that right? Oh, interesting. Better luck next year.

folks there's some pool scene where he's trying to find out where his wife is and this is a bunch of people that like are killing everybody right that's fun yeah he infiltrates this compound like that's why they parachuted in and like immediately people are just shooting at him there is there it happens twice in this in this scene specifically where it's a close up slow motion horrendous cg i like explosion shot with him like long And you're just like, that looks fucking terrible. But I have to hand it to this movie. I cannot recall another film

where I see a swimming pool literally explode. Because like he's fighting all these people. And then there's this lady who's like pretending to have a baby carriage, but there's a bomb in it or something. And like then this lady drops this grenade. She has the grenade. He drops the pin.

And J.CVD, I think shoots this. woman and she drops the grenade in the pool and he starts running away and I'm all and then this swimming pool this is one of the biggest explosions I've ever seen in my life. I love that his hesitance at shooting a woman is just like if I close my eyes it doesn't mean I shot her. It doesn't count. The bullet did the killing. No, Jean-Gle-I'm shooting at darkness.

Oh, she looks like she's going to die. I don't have to shoot. Oh, she's got a grenade. Oh, shit. Okay. All right, lady. I'm going to close my eyes and stop. start shooting if you get hit it's your own fault yeah because in true lies it's a doc

that's on fire right when he's swimming underneath and it's that big fireball yeah that's the shot that shot was similar to me yeah um but yeah so he finds this like abandoned car there's a recording on loop from stavros being like hey i'm financing your wife's art show better get to rome here's the beat of your heart here's the heart of your child. Oh, right. And it's just repeating like, uh,

uh, a, uh, and then Dennis Rod was like, Hey man, what's going on? Am I still in the movie? And he's like,

yes, you are. Guess we're going to Rome. Can you steal me a car? And he's like, I sure can. I'll steal a small car. That'll be humorous.

There's something they're like, he's criticizing him for stealing the small car and this JCVD and the comedy. Like, it's just awful. But he's like,

You look like a damn carrot with earrings. Thank you. Nailed him. I will say that the one thing that bothers me about this movie is like, yes, Dennis Rodman famous for not just having crazy hair, but constantly changing it. You can't have this character change his hair as much as it. It's every scene he's in. I think it's a new hair.

And it's like you can't do that. Like it doesn't make any sense. Like you can make what the change from the colony. Sure. That's a long time off. Like he does it like he say, he meets up with John Club. Van Damme and then when he steals a car he has somehow gone to a hair

salon and got a different hair style at the well you see Steve the thing about it is that's funny okay well yeah see that's that's calm at the very least I would need them to show me like them stopping after every one of these expeditions at like a gas station

bathroom for him to do it in the bathroom with like a just Ford Rodman hair dye right like it's the fugitive or something yes just like that like every time they leave a place. He has to stop and do it. It sucks because it feels like it's cynical in the way that like some movie executives like, how am I going to know it's Dennis Rodman unless he does the weird

hair? Yeah, totally. And so they're in Rome now and Dennis Rodman is dressed like Dick Tracy, which is kind of funny. This, the hat and the jacket, what are we even doing? And he's a really big guy, but this is an enormous. I would love to know how big this suit actually because it's big on him. It's a huge David Byrne-esque suit. I think it was just the big suit, dude. They only had to tailor it a little bit, but there you go. Yeah, future shack lent it to him. But yeah, so there's there's a whole like kerfuffle here because he, J.C.V.D.

also he looks like he's disguised as Robert Smith. Yes. For this whole thing here. And there's this they're out on some like big open area and it's like you know there's agents around everywhere and Stavros is taking Catherine the wife to the hospital because she's having like labor pains but it's actually just a thing because Stavros knows JCVD is going to see the car driving by or whatever and JCVD like runs after her like cocking up this whole thing and there's this

this guy on the horse that definitely reminded me of Andy Garcia in Godfather 3 he's just all that horse and he's like hey Zaza I think he reminded me a little bit of Judd Apatow a bit like this guy with this cop on the horse of the machine gun he looked like Apatow to you a little bit

I mean I don't think that this dude looked like Andy Garcia no way but just the idea of like because in Godfather 3 right he's posing as the cop and everything. Still have it still happy. Yeah, I actually say, I have not gone to number three yet. Well, there's a part in Godfather three where Andy Garcia disguises himself as a horse riding police officer.

But this is actually another moment where this is actually a pretty cool set piece because we actually see a horse. We eventually this assassin or whatever gets shot and he falls down. We see the horse take a stunt fall. Oh, man, it is kind of great. and then yeah this is rodman running around doing his best fucking carry grant impression i guess i don't know and like this is this is where you're right eric this was the basketball reference because he goes he's up he's in and then walks for like two steps and he's like i would have to call that a five pointer it's just like boy this this arms dealer sure does love basketball like no no i'm not

Dennis Rodman. Again, remember, I'm an arms dealer. I mean, it feels like airplay. It really does. Remember now, I'm an arms dealer, not an outrageous personality who made his career being a basketball player. Yeah, bang, bang, bang, that's me. Bang, bang, Mr. Bang, bang.

And so this is the best action scene in the movie where Jean-Claude Van Dam goes into this hospital that's a trap, I guess. It's our second, for anyone keeping track at home, second abandoned hospital of the motion picture. And he's got some guy with a cool, speaking of desperado suitcase gun. Yeah, this is pretty sweet, I have to say. And then there's this other guy who, like, is just waiting for him with, who has karate skills, which rules, and they have a really cool karate fight? And is this the- Oh, foot-knife guy rules.

Yes, yes, the toe knife. And this is when I really, this is when I wrote denim. my notes John Wick is like we got a guy that's doing all these moves he's got a toe knife we're fully in that mode now totally and again this is one of those scenes where we're just having like some hand-to-hand combat crazy fighting crazy gun play a toe knife as we've mentioned John Claude van dam doing his thing with all the kicks Dennis rodman and the colony nowhere to be found right here and again this is like the movie settles down and you're like oh fuck yeah it's just a J.CVD movie again. Oh.

But that's, you know, short-lived. It is, because they fight. And, like, at some point when Van Damme is dressed like Robert Smith, he's like, Rodman's like, I have a brother that can help us. It says, like, you have a brother in Rome? And he's like, don't worry about it. And then we get to the cyber monks. Cyber monks are great.

It's one, like, this is like, all right, I'm going to get, I had to pause and just kind of do a pace around the couch. like all right what are we doing here exactly I'm like are you kidding I was like hell yeah I mean yes I agree hell yeah but it's like this isn't what I wanted no it's not at all

this is not what I signed on for but like you know at this point you're like there can't be it's only blissfully like a 93 minute movie and you're like it can't be you know that there's that much left let's just stick it out and then the monks have the audacity to be even dumber

because it's like you get some line where Rodman is like oh these monks they've been collecting information on Rome for 500 years what okay and then one of the monks like

accidentally downloads pornography from the internet and I think Dennis Rodman just goes it's the internet and I'm like great it's 1997 and we don't know what we're talking about yeah that was the 70th take and it was the best one

and and speaking of not knowing what you're talking about JCVD turns to one of these monks and he's like, do you mind if I give it a try? And he takes the keyboard and just like sends a text message back to the guys at the colony to be like

hey, Queen is still alive L-O-L. Because there's a shot and cuts to all those guys and they're like, yeah. I just want to talk to my buddies real quick. Hold on. Okay, age, sex, we got. is he going to say the location wait for him to give the L

wait for the L a room full of people wait for the link I need to see if they have the link to the Dick's Picks Archive it's going to take an hour to load on our 24.4K

modem Oh my God my friends in the colony have finally got the duty pick of Gileon Anderson it is a fake but it gets the job done. See, that would be funny if they were like trying to like, oh, pornography. And then like Dennis Roman literally just pulls out a picture of girlfriend,

Carmen Elektra and be like, I got it covered, fellas. Yeah, something like that should have definitely happened in this movie. You might as well. I mean, she might as well be in the movie with the whole persona of Dennis Rodman. Yeah. Sure, why not? She's also like some assassin or some shit of weapons expert. That's why I don't mind it so much because like clearly the thinking was,

going to make a move with Dennis Rodman in it. Everything else is up to you. They should have done. But you know what, Cabin? I mean, I agree with you, dude. But if that's the case, I'm sorry, Dennis Rodman has to be in the movie. And if it's a problem with JCVD, not wanting to like share the spotlight or whatever,

then you need to figure out either a, another fucking kickboxer for this movie or like put Dennis Rodman in something else. Dennis Rodman in Mr. and Mrs. Smith with him and Carmen Elektra. That's a movie. But Don't you love just watching these two egos go at it?

It's like AI, but really stupid. I also don't really know what they get from these monks because they leave the location of where he is, which is. And it's also like Stavros? Yes, or Stavros actually is. This island off the coast or something. Isn't there like a tunnel they go under? Yes, the monks also just so happen to have a tunnel that goes right. You know this island.

You're like, all right, well, all right. We cracked his code. Huh. He's just right across the break. We actually have a little tunnel that we can take it through right now. Turns out he's on the other, the exact opposite end of our tunnel. You know what? We have this little switch here and it kills Stavros.

Would you like it? I mean, we're not doing anything with it. If you want to kill Stavros just by putting the switch, you got. There is a, there is a painfully 1997 exchange of dialogue here. when they're leaving the little monk hideout and Dennis Rodman goes Catch you on the internet my brothers To which one of the monks goes

I'll wait for your email God damn that sucks It's not good I mean like I get it Ha ha it's 2021 now But like I'm confident That that was not as funny as they thought it was in 1997 I guess

But at the time the word internet was funny to like 40 up. It's the Sigfried and Royd crowd. The guys that laugh at that joke, the idea that Dennis Rodman sends an email to a monk is a knee slapper. Oh, so there's a whole, what is the deal here

where they're trying to blow something up but he doesn't have enough wire for it? So he's kind of like huck these monk skulls to like make the connection to blow it up. And this is the, again, God damn. Like he throws the first skull. He misses and goes, Oops, Airball.

I hate practice, but I never miss twice. Just like, ah, ha, ha, ha. Just make him Dennis Rodman then. Make him fucking Dennis Rodman that was kidnapped from the NBA and had to go on a fucking mission. Absolutely. Because you know what? Then all those basketball lines are totally fine.

And honestly, it's pretty funny. NBA star is also a spy. That's funny. Yeah. And when you seem globetrotting, you can blow a whistle and say, traveling. There you go. And so then we get to our third and final abandoned hospital of the film.

One of these is a hotel, but five, yes, it's also a hospital, I guess. Wait, where's there a hotel? Where is there a hotel? That's when he fights the guy with the knife foot is kind of a hotel, but I thought it was a hospital. I don't know. Oh, okay. It's a building. It's like a hospital for like 1820s, Romania? it's a makeshift hospital hospital in a hotel room because i don't think the stavros guy's on the level okay oh yeah it turns out this dude pretty great they had like a a nurse

there that or is that here this is where the because this is yeah like because the whole thing also is that like uh stavros is really keeping his eye on the time waiting for this baby to be so he can snatch it like some Eastern European myth. Like he is ready to steal this baby so fast. But it's the oven man. But it's also and yes, he has this nurse with him who's been with the wife the whole time. And I guess at the end, she turns against Stavros to save the wife. Yeah, because she's really confusing.

She's going to get kicked to death by JCPD if she doesn't. Yeah, that's a good point. She reads the writing on the wall about the kicking. But there's like, well, what happens is after the baby is born, uh, Mickey Rourke is like, kill the women. And so there's an assassin coming to the room to like, you know, finish these ladies off. And then the one this, uh, yeah, the doctor, she just like shoots the assassin and is like, okay, now I'm on the side of the angels for some reason.

It's killer be killed at that point, right? But it's, I mean, I guess that's the idea. It's perfect. Now bring the Quinn baby to. the baby room with all the other abandoned ones. And this is one of the four times when Dennis Rodman comes in after Jean-Claude Van Damme. He's like, don't worry, man. I got it. And then he doesn't have it. And then he comes into a different scene. I'm like, weren't you doing the other thing? Because he's like, hey man, I'm going to take

care of your wife. Don't worry about it. And then he, then, and then, uh, JCVD goes to find Stavros. And then later he's like, I'm going to take care of your baby. Don't worry about it. It's like, okay. weren't you taking care of my wife an hour ago? What happened to her? And then he's not even taking care of the baby fully because then he just comes back again into this arena of not only tiger,

but it's also a minefield because we're throwing everything against the wall. Well, that's just praying that something sticks. That's where we end up is John Claude Van Damme finds him in this Coliseum, Stobros in this Coliseum, that he is rigged with mines. And he's like,

if you can defeat my tiger, then I will let you keep your son but if not, I will raise him as my own. Fair bet. Honestly, yeah. You save your baby from the tiger and the mines and you get to keep them. Not bad. I don't think, but I don't think, uh, Rourke's on the level.

I'll be honest with you. I don't. Yeah, I think that guy might be up to something. Maybe just a little bit because also why isn't the tiger just snacking on the baby? Yes. Come on. It's a bite-sized treat. Yeah, come on.

Maybe, um, maybe Mickey Rourke, like, covered the bassinet that the baby's in or like the basket that the baby's in with like tiger piss you know and I'm like the tiger was like all right I don't know what's going on in there but it smells like my piss or citrus cat let me see with this Belgian guy oh yeah get me with lemon juice

get me some Stubbs barbecue sauce to put on the baby yeah you got to baptize your baby barbecue sauce targets love barbecue sauce I read it in a national geographic fuck shit Tennessee Tennessee baptism there

huh I don't know. So the tiger thing makes sense. Why, if you're also planning on fighting Jean-Claude Van Dam, would you put yourself at a disadvantage by putting minds all over this? Seriously. It's just too much. It's just an additional thing. I don't know. It's this. It's an additional thing that just, it comes out of nowhere, much like Dennis Rodman's dirt bike that he just finds. Yes. Yeah. Like, Dennis Rodman is all of a sudden, like when it looks like the chips are down and shit's about to go south. You just hear like, ying, ying, ying, ying, ying, y, and like, in comes Dennis Rodman on this dirt bike. And I was like, wait a second. Were you taking care of the, where? What is happening?

And then he grabs the baby. He's like, don't worry, I got your baby. He's like, could you get something? Like, would you, like, actually sit down and get something? And where did you find this dirt bike? This is ridiculous. Hey, do you want me to order you a pizza? Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing here either.

I'm just, uh, don't worry. I'm going to take care of. of it. That pizza, I'm going to take care of that. Where is my wife? She wanted a pizza, too, so I'm getting her a pizza too. When in Rome. Rodman, so what Rodman does with the baby, it's

hilarious. He, like, goes into like some tunnel, and he finds, like, a loose brick and pulls it out of the wall, and he's like, all right, baby, I'm just going to, like, stick you in this wall for a little bit. Don't go anywhere. And he definitely has, he gives the baby a little, I'll be back. he does. Wow.

The fucking balls. JCVDS you'd be like, that's not what I meant when I said, I wanted you to take it out of the Exploding Coliseum entirely and go to the police or something. It's what you, it's like when you ask somebody like, oh, could you call Ron? And someone goes, Ron, I could have done that. Oh, man, that is the fucking, the torture of my parents whenever everybody's home visiting for some reason. Could you go get dad?

Dad! Oh, all the time. And then the inevitable follow-up of, well, I could have done that. It happens all the time. Kind of love it, actually. Kind of love the chaos that it brings to the situation. Jack, don't worry about the baby. I wedged him into this blown-up hole on the side of a wall.

And I know exactly where it is when I come back to it. Don't worry about it. I got it. There's also, because we're not doing it with Mickey Rourke, you know, due to reasons that happen in a few minutes. but there is this random other assassin that definitely gets eaten by this tiger pretty great and the tiger by the way

is played by an actual tiger and then a cartoon as well there's a lot of CGI tiger did they dude it's like a bad music video looking at this thing did they get the same a real tiger and animated tiger from the Mandalay logo

yes I think it was the Mandalay tiger that's what I thought I thought was a cameo they could not afford the MGM. I guess it's a lion. That's a lion. But like Mandalay, like they, at the time they were riding high. Well, they, they made this. Was this actually a Mandalay movie or no? It was a Mandalay movie. I was going to say, I was about to just say, you know, I saw

that title card recently. It was last night. Literally last night, you fucking moron. Okay. Sorry. And then Paul, uh, Freeman makes his grand appearance at the end of this film. And I'm like, dude, I don't know exactly. What? I mean, and what's kind of funny about it too is like when it's uh when freeman like gets back on screen it's a real like the way they're shooting it the expression on his face it's like a did you miss me movie and it's like no i definitely did it are you going to be melting soon if not get out of here you get the fuck out of here unless you're going to start melting i kind of want jcvd to fight the tiger to death you know what i mean

like it's kind of really it's a tease here i want to do like a low sweep to the tiger's legs kick it in the face you know really do it I mean, then you'd be seeing some real bad computer tiger. Yeah, we... It would be fucking Tony the Tiger would come into the film at that point. We brought in famed Tiger Fight Choreographer, Brack Raggin, and we're really going to have a day with JCVD here. I promise you he's very experienced in Tiger Fighting,

but you've never seen any of the films he worked on because, yep, they're definitely illegal. I'm going to unfrost your flakes, motherfucker. Oh my god Oh dude They're great But you're dead There's no breakfast

Where you're going Oh fuck yeah I will see you in hell Serial jockey Tell when you get to hell Tell that fucking leprican I'm coming for him next He's not going to see a rainbow

Well, again. Okay, next on the kill list, Tukan, Sam. Oh, definitely, dude. That guy's days are numbered. You might say he's extinct. He's just at a farm, strangling bunny rabbit.

Sticker my tricks, with you? They are for kids. Oh, no, no, no. Not you, honey, that giriobie. You're one of the good ones. But that golden grand bear, I'm going to break with my thighs.

That guy is always. high right oh absolutely oh all the time that's why i love that guy's my favorite cartoon mascot golden graham which is perfect because honestly dude you get a nice fucking heavy ass bowl of golden grams when you're high as a kite oh that's pleasure you know it would always suck to remember when there was with snap crackle and pop got replaced just by pop or whatever like they they cut down on the three of them really wait they broke up yeah they did so it's just soda well no no they just like the mascot wise the other two weren't as popular

so they were just like times are tight we're downsizing yeah you know I would definitely fuck pop but the other well crackle that's just people are going to think that's an app so get rid of him oh no that's yeah he he's so desponded he started his

own app I guess is the idea yeah like the problem is you know we got snap crackle and pop on here we're trying to shill these fucking rice Krispies to the masses and every time someone sees crackle, they're just thinking about Joe Dirk. You know what? They say snap crack, but I like it originally, but you know, I read a 50,000 post thread on Reddit

about how Snap and Crackle are, you know, you know, not a little problematic these days. So I think we're going to go to pop. I think we're just going to say pop from now on. Yeah, I think that's it. That makes sense. Yeah. Release the pop cut. Who knows?

Who knows what the fuck Snap was up to? It wasn't good. No way. The rumors were true, though. The rumors were true. Wait, no, did they live in a tree, or is that the key, just the kebler's? That was the kebler elves lived in a tree. I think Snapcrackle and Pop, you know, they just live in your kitchen.

Who was the frog? Oh, well, the, there was a golden grail. Oh, shit. The honey smacks. Honey smacks, fraud. Yes, that's it. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Honey smacks and Golden Crisp almost. the exact same cereal if I remember correctly. Listeners are you know listening overseas not in the United States isn't it crazy what we give children

to eat in this country? It's just sugar different with different constitutions. Basically Jean-Claude Van Dam comes like it's almost

like a dream this ending because you're in the Coliseum with all the minds he goes around all over the place Dennis Rodman stashes the baby

and then we wind up again in the Coliseum and now it's just karate time for Mickey Rourke and Jean-Claude Van Dam. And it's a pretty cool fight, you know? I have to say, I'm glad that Dennis Rodman went to go stash that baby in a wall because it allowed us another opportunity for this to just be a rad J-CVD movie. Because this fight with him and Mickey Rourke, man, I have to say, not too shabby.

Mickey Rourke is now shirtless and in cowboy boots, which is what you expect for Mickey Rourke. Definitely. It's an intimidating look, I'll say. Oh, yeah. It's the look he has at the end of this movie, and it's the look he has when you deliver Domino's pizza at his house. My favorite thing is one of his underlings is like a tall Phil Spector

assassin. Yes, yes. He's got this greasy, curly hair, and I just took me out of the movie every time I saw it. Is this the guy that gets got by the tiger? I think so that he gets thrown into the tiger pit. He's kind of looking a little. It's the tiniest bit like an unhandsome Vincent Cassel.

A little bit, yes. not also a question really quickly we're in a coliseum here is this the coliseum or just a i think it might be the coliseum actually no no i mean they said it's on an island right and oh actually that's right what's funny is like when we see it explode it kind of you know it looks like a romanesque coliseum but like in this actual arena kind of looks like like an arena from like enter the ninja like are they doing cock fighting in this thing yeah like i got a bull fighting feel for some reason yeah yeah i mdb and i mean like take this for what it's worth on the trivia the 11th piece of trivia 11 out of 11 uh um last movie to be shot in the rome's

colossea wow that's the fact that the the italian government would let this get while they get they let everything get away never mind i mean what it what it's i don't know i feel like that's insulting to the history of the planet Yeah, I think it's a thing where it's like, all right, so we allowed double team to come through, okay, and I know, I know, I know,

we were talking about closing up shop, but guys, did you see that fucking movie? Yeah. Listen, I'm hearing word, I'm hearing word that Ridley Scott's got something. It's literally called Gladiator. Maybe we should help him out with that. No. No. We said the last movie is double team.

By the way, and you don't know. Dennis Rodman could be in that gladiator picture, so no way. Another piece of IMDB trivia, which is actually, it's contrary to this page, Van Dam had three other films get a theatrical release in Australia after this film. They were the Legionaire, Knockoff, and Universal Soldier, the return. So Barry, shut up, shut up. Stop with the IMD trivia. You don't know what you're talking about. It's incredible.

These idiots are now fighting with each other. Because they closed the message boards and fucking hell was full and now they roamed the trivia page. That's so true. Good call. They should have reopened the message boards. Let those people hash it out there and exchange child pornography. Yep, that's exactly right. Both things would have happened there and not sullied the good reputation of the trivia pages.

So they're fighting and Dennis, like, Dennis Rodman says, oh, hey, Mickey Rourke, guess what? moved all those crosses he he and micky rick is now standing on a landmine and a tiger is coming towards him now here's a question because i was straight up again not understanding what was going on but it sounded to me like dennis rodman was telling micky rourke that he was the one that set all the minds because what is he talking about like oh i was getting creative and i switched this with that because you see rodman initially steps on a mine and then you see him like unscrewing something. He diffuses it with a pin or I was like is that supposed to be an earring that he puts into it to make it not explode? Oh, I think that might be

it. But yeah, Mickey Rourke and his people put all these mines everywhere, which just kind of defeats the purpose to mark where they are with these crosses to begin with. Right. And then Dennis Rodman apparently whenever he was done stashing babies or I don't know, waiting the timeline moved a couple of these crosses. So now there's one next to JCVD and we think that he's standing over one, but it turns out he's not. It's you, Stavros. Oh, man. And they like, you know,

they know what's up. Mickey Rourke knows what's that, you know, Stavros knows that this is the end of the line for him. You know, and they fucking, they fucking shag ass out of there, dude. And this is just, I mean, Mickey Rourke steps off this thing. He and this tiger go up instantly. The tiger is standing right next to him. Incinerated.

I mean, instantly. Here's my question. The tiger's coming at you and you're standing on a landmine. Do you incinerate yourself first or just to see what a tiger bites like? You know, like, you know what, dude? Incineration. Yeah, I agree with that. And then we'll incinerate.

Yeah, I guess you're right. But more of the curiosity. Well, because maybe it's a thing where like if the tiger attacked you, like let's say it jumped all the way up on you and knocked you down, right? Maybe it's enough that the tiger's huge animal kingdom body would shield you from some of the blast. And maybe you survive because a tiger was laying on you? You jump off the landmine at the right second enough to grab the tiger under the belly

and move it down, position its spine directly towards the explosion. Hey, Tony, these cord flakes are a little spacey and you jump. Yeah, now he's tiger flakes for sure. Tiger flakes. Yeah, I think maybe you might be protected by the tiger if this was a normal mine, but this is a two ton mine covered in

40 tons of gasoline around it. This thing almost, it collapses the fucking Coliseum. Well, it's really something this explosion. Yeah, it's like a nuclear explosion. And everything is getting incinerated. This building that it withstood 2,000 years of history or something is

fucking blowing up. Yet, what what's this? Coca-Cola machine? let's all hide behind this and that survives the entire explosion without a problem one quick correction multiple Coca-Cola machines in this Coliseum hallway

I counted at least six or seven you're coming up on six or seven yeah for sure a lot of thirsty people in Rome all already for an ice-called Coca-Cola dude yeah you just imagine before this like hey Giuseppe our dynamite business is saved they want a 40 tons

of dynamite, going to the Coliseum tonight. I mean, this Coca-Cola vending machine is taking this blast, like it is Captain America's Shield. It is the craziest shit. Oh, my God. And what I didn't remember that last bit of trivia, you said, Steve, but there was something in the trivia, am I correct, that this, and this, it feels like this has to be wrong,

but it says that this was the first movie, that a Coca-Cola vending machine was actually featured? Yes, as product place, which has to be wrong. That has to be. That's insane. These people need to be imprisoned. Billy Wilder made a Coca-Cola movie. What is, what are you, how are you officiating that?

Like, are you saying there's never been a Coca-Cola machine in a movie before this? Yes. That's what the statement kind of sounds like, which is pretty dumb. Insane. There's no way. But so, you know, everything's all blown up. It is the best product placement of all time.

And Paul Freeman's like, time to take you back to the colony or kill you or whatever I'm doing in this movie. And then it just changes his mind. I'm going to be honest, you know, the cheese steaks, they close in about 8 p.

You know, 8 p.m. and I need to get there. So you know what? You go ahead. You're fine. You're fine. Yeah,

I know I'm part of the colony and everything. I renounce it all. Dennis Rodman also does that weird coin exploding coin trick? He saves Jean-Claude Van Dam from Paul Freeman by throwing the coin at him. Yeah. And JCVD drives away and then Paul Freeman's

like, well, I guess I'm my work here is done or something. Sure. Dude, it is, it is dumb as dog shit, Paul Freeman. Tuttle Lou. Yeah, Paul Freeman has the second to last line of the movie. The last line of the movie is Dennis Rodman saying to doodoo. And it sounds like there's

a question mark at the end of the sentence. But Paul Freeman is like, after that whole Batman smoke bomb thing he's like you're quite a magician Mr. Zazz I have to go make the bluebird special but you wouldn't even know this guy's name what are you talking about what on earth are you talking about I don't know man it just fucking sucks

and then yeah Rodman's just like to-to-loo and then the last line is the fines yes yes he's talking about the fines and I think you're right man He's like, oh, fuck, I'm going to hear from the commissioner about this. Okay. I don't think David Stern had fucking control over fucking Rome. What are you talking about? Oh, man.

You know, what's funny, Steve, is I was about to say David Stern, and then I wasn't sure if he was commissioner in the 90s. He was. Wow. So when you, oh, that's the mistake. You heard NBA, you thought National Basketball. It's National Blow Up Academy. Let me watch that movie, please. please let that be a movie the national blowup academy my god you can major in one of two things

either like explosions dynamite all that shit or also sex dogs oh yes yes but blowup a spy master reggie miller yeah oh yeah it's you get the whole cast of uncle drew back together and it's the national blowup academy a movie i did not hate i didn't see it i didn't see it either pretty funny i watched i guessed it on an old nathan been podcast ages ago and I went and went and saw it in the theaters as a matter of fact and you know what? Didn't regret a thing Wow theaters remember those

I do man soon enough dude we'll see um but fuck yeah I don't know we never find out if he's going to get a fine from the commissioner because that's the end of the movie oh man oh man would anybody recommend double team we'll start with you Steve I would it's just it's actually

it's much shorter than this episode it's 90 minutes it's it moves insanely quickly it's entertaining and baffling and very very bad seeing his believing bad movie I don't know if I'll go back to it ever but for a one-time ticket

I think it's worth it totally Chris Cam Oh yes enthusiastically I really like this kind of action but like this is very in line with Hark's Chinese output he does movies like this where it's disorienting everything goes really quick

so I was kind of more acclimated to I'd watched one or two of his movies recently so I was a little bit more acclimated to that. But, like, I do, I prefer being confused and, like, just shocked by action movies than being like, oh, yes, we have to get to Nicaragua because Nicaragua is where the arms are, and the arms are where we need to. And I'm like, I don't care. I don't care about any of this.

I just want action and antics shit to happen, and this delivered for me. Fair enough, my friend. Eric Siska. It's also an enthusiastic recommend for me, which is funny, because I'm not. I watched this movie when it came out. I don't know if I saw in the theater, but probably on video or something right after. So I saw it in the 90s, and I disliked it, and I was wrong.

But, I mean, I mean, it's okay to dislike a movie, right? Folks, Dennis Rodman's stuff doesn't really work. Andrew, what you were saying about this being a kick-ass J-CV-D movie in those certain sections, that's what sells me on the movie. I think it's a fun time, 93 minutes, zooms by. enough so yes it's a recommend from me yeah i mean i guess i'd say it's like a light recommend for me i mean really because like only a third of this movie is what i was interested in all the shit with the colony it's wasted it could have been cool but they do absolutely nothing with it and then

like i just i i do not understand trying to put dennis rodman in a movie i mean i understand it but like jesus he's really fucking bad you guys like it was just abstractingly bad and that dirt bike out of nowhere. I'm just, I'm gonna go the rest of my day is trying to figure out where he got that fucking thing from. But like, yeah, you know, you could do worse. And, you know, like everyone has been saying,

the briskness of it all really does help because like I did have to pause it at one point and I knew we were right there at the end, but it was just a really, I got to go to the bathroom situation. And, you know, I was pleasantly surprised to find I had 12 minutes left. It's like, okay, I will take 12 minutes left of this. movie but yeah so light like recommend for me and ladies and gentlemen that is the end of the

2021 listener request month can you even believe it god uh three out of the five movies we did um from the year 1997 is that right yeah that's got to be a new record i like really jesus because the the only thing that wasn't was what poltergeist two because it was 86 and vertical limit which was 2000 everything else was Yeah, the pest only looks like it's from 91. That is right. But if you want more We Hate Movies, including some more listener requested content, be sure to head over to the Patreon. Of course, patreon.com slash we hate movies.

We got a movie on the WLM entry that was from 1990. That, of course, is Goodfellas. A jam-packed three-hour episode that'll have you laughing and get you a little hungry. We also have the Snyder Cut, the Snyder Sessions on the $10 feed are a small series on the Zach Snyder Justice League movie which is really something. Also we have some listener requested Nexus episodes

to wild discussions about some TNG apps. The listener requested Horhosh-Equish Glebe Glossary. That guy was a horse New Republic fighter pilot. That's right. That is our Star Wars side show about just random fucking Star Wars characters and the listeners delivered this year, I believe. And also on the animation damnation side of things, we've got Transformers with an interesting episode. Carnage and C minor, absolute hell. Yes. I think we mostly talk about sex maneuvers. So sign up.

Yes. And Eric teased it. We will be dropping a singable commentary for entrance. The Ninja, a canon movie that fucking rules the school. Great movie. If you are in the United States, as of this recording, it is on Amazon Prime Video. So, there you go. Do not want to snooze on that one. That'll be out by the

end of the month. I've cu ced like half of it. It's a fucking fun time, man. It's a fun-ass movie. We had fun talking over it. So that's going to be a blast. But the great thing is, on top of all the content, including the new Walsh tier with Melro 210, which we did put out also. It's the season one finale

of Melrose or 9-0-2-0 and then a totally fucking garbage episode of Melrose Place. Happy to have that show back. But on this feed, Steve, next Tuesday, there is an all-new episode we're kicking listener request month out. That's old news.

What are we talking about? We'll be talking about only Connery movies in the month of April. That's right. Did we give this a snappy title or no? Nah. Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, fuck it.

It's all. I got one for you. It's called Sean Gone. Oh, God. Sean Gone Month begins in earnest. Rest easy, King. You only live twice. We're doing a Bond movie, everybody.

That's right. It's very easy the man who would be King. We, we, yes, yes. We initially thought maybe this James Bond movie would be coming out, but it's not. So, you know what? We listen to our Bond episodes now and then see. that Bond movie later. There you go. Yeah, there you go. It's just, we're

ramping up the bond excitement for next fall when it fucking comes out or whatever. I recently rewatched this in quarantine. I was starting to do like a bond rewatch and then petered off somewhere after live and let die, but yeah, there's going to be some stuff to talk about.

So until next week with You Only Live Twice, I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hate gum podcast.