We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 540 - You Only Live Twice

Episode Date: April 6, 2021

This week on the show, the gang kicks off the unofficial "Sean Gone" month with a conversation around Sir Sean's penultimate (official) appearance as Bond in the totally outrageous, You Only Live Twice! What kind of total garbage talk is coming out of Connery's mouth right at the beginning? Why did we need to wait for over an hour before a Blofeld appearance? And what was going on with Pleasance and that cat? PLUS: Look out for Q and those knee socks! Me-ow! You Only Live Twice stars Sean Connery, Akiko Wakabayashi, Mie Hama, Tetsurô Tanba, Teru Shimada, Karin Dor, Donald Pleasance, Bernard Lee, Lois Maxwell, Desmond Llewelyn, Charles Gray, and Tsai Chin; directed by Lewis Gilbert. Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, did Donald Pleasants actually kill that cat on set or what? It's You Only Live Twice. I'm Andrew Jupin. A Stephen Shadak. Eric Siska. Chris Gavin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. Welcome to Sean Gone Month, here on on the show.

Is that official? Sean gone. It was a name you came up with actually, Eric, and I'm sticking with it. The unofficial next few weeks here on the show are Sean Gone Month. We're doing all Connery movies because that fucker bit the big one last year. I did not know I came up with that. This legitimately feels like I was hanging a clock radio and hit my head on the toilet.

I want to say it was, isn't it at the end of the double team episode? episode. I think that's possible. You suggested it. Yeah, but here we are. Which one did you end the drunkest on? Oh, that will probably help us. Oh, like follow our nose kind of thing here. I said it on every episode, turns out. Oh, okay. That's interesting. Yeah. I'm long gone. Sean Connery, complicated legacy, but still, uh, great on screen. Exactly. That's the way to put it. You know, it's And speaking of a complicated legacy, this film, huh? Totally. So this is You Only Live Twice from 1967s, directed by Lewis Gilbert. This was one of three Bond movies that he would go on to direct. He came back when Raj was around.

He did The Spy Who Loved Me and Moon Raker. Yeah. I could see Moon Raker from this. Moon Raker is one of my like cheesy favorites with these. I think it's the only Roger I like. have seen more than once, honestly. It's the one where he actually gets into space. Yeah, it's nice.

Well, we're a little bit to space and this little bit into space. No, I mean, I mean, James Bond literally goes into space. Him himself, yes, that's fair. But he's grace in it here. He's close. It's just about there. But before we get too far ahead, a few days from now, we are going to be hanging out on the internet.

This Friday, as it is, we have our Rambo Last Blood live. virtual show. April 9th at 9 p.m. in 2021. If you're listening to this in the future, just go about your day. No, no, it's just this Friday. This Friday. No, yeah. April 9th, 2021, of course. And the good news is if it's the future, that episode is gone forever because this thing's only going to be available for about a week after that. It goes, not about a week, exactly one week after that you can't download it. It's nowhere'sville. So that's what I want to let you know. Yes, much like Rocky or all Rocky Balbo's loved ones. They're gone.

It's gone forever. Yeah. It's on location live.com slash WHM, I think, thanks you there. Or just go to WHM podcast. Dot com might be easier that way. All the links pop up and you'll be good to go to snag some tickets for, it'll be an exciting show, VHS trailer game, et cetera. You'll see it rigged live.

Come on and see me. Come in see me. I'll be out of you. No, I don't. ate the last of this is true oh i just sound like a mumble mouth he is like i don't know it's mandatory subtitles when you're watching last blog jesus christ oh yeah uh but yes again on location live dot com slash w hm or just head over to our own show website which is of course w hm podcast dot com find that ticketing information this friday april the 9th 9 p.m eastern time in the year

of Our Lord 2021. We're going to be talking about a pretty great Jason Voorhe's movie, it turns out. Anyway, so here we are. You only live twice. We're starting in space. We're talking about unidentified UFOs. Yes, but can I ask you something about it a little

earlier now? I don't remember also, Chris, because I was drunk on that one too, the Goldfinger episode on our Patreon coming out. Did I mention that Bond wearing this little hat in the gun barrel? You didn't either, and neither did I, because it's in my notes both and we need to talk about it. The hat is really something. The little hat.

Let's talk about the little hat. Yeah, his little hat. It might rain later, but I still have to murder someone. It's weird. I don't remember which movie it was, but like for Goldfinger it's not him.

And it wasn't him up until like a certain point. And then they were like, oh, maybe we should just get Bond to do this. I think he's bonded in in you only live twice in the little gun barrel but goldfinger definitely just some dude in a hat look i'm gonna be honest with you here the toupee's a little untamed today all my experts have tried but i think it's a hat i think we got to go hat today yeah you know what it's a no go on my

coupé we're gonna have to hat it up my team says no my team oh my god how many people are on that team, Chris, you think? I'm thinking at least four people are working on that alone. I don't know about the whole look. I think you're going out to maybe like a suicide squad of Baker's dozen there. Okay, so you didn't have the little hat for me. So my team

they molded my toupee to look like a hat. Oh, dude, if you got like really close up to that hat, it's actually just a bunch of wispy hair all weave together. Yeah, get Donald Trump's guy. Get Donald Trump's guy to

make a grand fucking like house on your head yeah the best in the business i always love that the gag goes like it's not a toupee it just looks like shit well you know what dude you fool me twice dude it doesn't matter it looks like shit imagine if you got to fight and now i'm just talking about goldfinger again if you got to fight odd job with like a wispy hat like a hat of hair like i think i don't think anybody would take him seriously yeah but that's but that would give him the advantage, the surprise, because it's like, oh, what's this weird Scottish rub, tossing

a clump of hair at me? No, I just meant the audience in general, like, look at this fucking disgusting guy fighting people. Disgusting guy fighting people? That's a movie. That's James Bond in general. He's a disgusting guy that fights people. Yeah. His whole

physically, not physically. He's not disgusting. His whole face should be a cold sore or something. Oh, yeah. and my harpies are going to fucking kick your ass. I know, don't touch my face. It flames it. Oh, oh, ah.

This opening, I will say this opening's real. I wasn't super thrilled with this one, to be honest. This is my first time through last night. And it just was really soggy for the most part. Highlights, for sure, plenty of highlights. And I think the opening is definitely one of them. I was kind of expecting Terence Stam to fly by and fucking crush the ship. So Red 2 style, man.

I mean, I'm happy somebody gets like Tim Robbins very early on this. I like that. Tim Robbins in mission to Mars. Sorry, yeah. I mean, it's very nice. This dude gets graveted, man. He's floating out there with a group with Clooney. It's that's honestly, I tell you right now, like, I know that I will never, ever in my life go to space.

Yet the thought of being untethered and just floating until I die in space terrifies. me. It's like one of my greatest fears and I know it's totally illogical but like, and even watching this silly James Bond movie last night, I was like, oh my fucking God, oh my God, he's going into the never. It's a top five horrible death for sure.

It's it. I mean, it's got number one, great view. You know, you got see, look on the bright side. Sure. I guess if you're turned to the right way, it's a good view. I mean, you could figure that out, probably. You could I guess you got plenty of time to juggle around. So number two, you

you lose oxygen, right? That's really how you go. And is that bad? I don't know. I mean, I'm sure it's bad, but is it is my lungs screaming for hours or like going to like a little nap? I don't know. See, but it's not, here's the thing. It's not how it feels to die, dude. It's those like however long it takes to get to death. Right. All you're doing is you're just thinking about like, well, I'm just floating in space. My body will never be recovered. You know, if I'm lucky, the trajectory of my corpse. The aliens could find you? The aliens can find you?

Oh, aliens, sure. Don't count on aliens, but I can see, like, being overwhelmed by, like, the celestial majesty and everything. But the problem is, is I'm going to die of shock immediately. Like, this is, like, like, always, like, you always have to forget

that shock actually exists in the real world. You would die immediately. 15 heart attacks at once, knowing what your fate's going to be. My thing is the boredom of it, though. Like, I don't, you know, I don't like going to... You take out a pack of cards while you're...

Yeah, I mean, like, it's just, you know, I don't even like go to the grocery store if I've got, unless I've got like two... A podcast and a backup podcast, you know what I mean? A man scared of horror movies until he was 25 years old. He thinks he's going to live through a fucking space disaster because he's bored by it. Good, good, Steve. Just like fucking the next day, I'm like, I guess I'll give Marin another try. Christ.

Yep. Had 38 heart attacks yesterday up there in space, but no biggie here for Steve Sadek, bravest man in the world. Yeah, I guess there are better ways to die. Sure. There's drowning. I don't know. I'm just saying, I don't know.

Good view down there too, right? You get some weird fish. I guess. And all likelihood, it's getting dusted up. You're not getting a clear view. Well, yeah, or, I mean, you are getting a clear view, but there's, there's no fish because it's at like a public pool or something. Oh, yeah.

Sure. You're getting drowned by someone else in a public pool. That's had to have happened to people. Absolutely, man. Of course it has. Can we tell their stories on film? But yeah, I love that, you know, it's some American, one guy goes off for like kind of a space ride there. He's tethered to the ship.

And then this other ship, Pac-Man's it, which is pretty awesome. Pac-Rams the first ship. Russian intrigue. Oh, man, it is totally great. And like, the ship closes around. I mean, like, this thing is just gone. And that's the other part, too, right? So the one, it's

terrifying for both of these guys. The one guy just floating untethered in space for eternity, that sucks. This other dude, until, like, eventually he's you know this we learn it later it doesn't matter but like rockets back down and lands

in Japan and everything and he realizes that like indeed these are just people that kidnapped him and not fucking aliens because that's the other thing right that guy that entire time is like I have been abducted by aliens yeah yeah the radio was like unidentified

flying object right behind you yep I honestly thought I was about to be digested that's what my brain went to honestly I went to a mouth of a kind so like we cut to this I get it's not the United Nations at some

sort of like world powers headquarters I guess and it's like the US and the USSR fighting over who fucking stole the ship like the US is like you Russian bastards totally stole our spaceship and then the UK is right in the middle like now hold on a second there old boy

we don't quite believe that our Russian friends over here may have sterling your spaceship, what reason would they have to do that? And America's sitting there like the space race? Yes, as famously reasonable people in England. Yes, oh, you barbarians in the United

States of the USSR, unlike us here, beautiful Brits who have never conquered anything. Settle down, you two animals. The streets of London are paved in blood. I mean, all streets are paved in blood for sure. Oh, yeah.

But, yeah, I mean, it's just, and obviously Americans are pigs in the USSR and, and now Russians are pigs, too. It's just a touch rich from the British to sit there with their fucking tea kettle and be like, hmm, quite. But it's kind of funny, dude, because like this UK representative, you're this ambassador or whatever, is like, but the way we see it, we're also suspecting some other people we hate quite a bit. The Japanese may be involved. Yeah, because, and they're like, well, I guess Britain's going to have to solve this one again. Totally. Our man in Hong Kong is working on it right now, they say. Cut to what I think is the absolute most reprehensible first line James Bond has in a movie. Holy shit.

It's bad, man. Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls? And it's just like, God damn. You know, on one, like, I almost with this movie, want to be like, it's kind of at least cool to be like that we can, uh, that like we can show a white man kissing an Asian woman. You know what I mean? I want to get there, but it's so gross every step of the way that you can't get anywhere fucking near it. Well, when you, you say that line and then immediately like, and then there's a line about like, oh, I'm Peking duck. she's like oh you know she's like oh I just think that that's something and she said something like you know

that's just something Americans feels like well I like everything I like Russian caviar and Peking duck and it's like dude shut the fuck up and thankfully he's murdered pretty quickly I do just want to say really quickly the actress here is

Sai Chin who big actor in China she also I don't know if you guys saw this movie he's very like tiny footprint last year she's the titular grandma in the totally great film Lucky Grandma it's this awesome movie

that came out last year where she plays this woman like a Chinatown New York City grandma Is it like a great granny shagger type of thing? I'm just trying to call the plot before you know I haven't seen it so No granny shagging of any kind but she goes to a casino like on a

bus trip and on the way back like she's sitting next to a dude who's got like a fuck ton of money with him and the guy dies and she takes the bag of money and then like gangsters are after her totally totally delightful movie and she's fucking

awesome in it and when I was looking at the IMDB I was like holy fuck I mean she's had a pretty good career here big career she's also bit rolling casino royale the Daniel Craig one not playing this character anyway sorry about that he is indeed shot to death

because she fucking flips this Murphy but it's a goofy dick Van Dyke thing it's a Murphy Bed Massacre, man. Murphy Bed Massacre is a movie that I'm going to pitch right now. Oh, yeah, dude. Dude, it's kind of like Deathbed, the Bed that eats, but it's just a Murphy bed. Well, we can combine, like, a lucky grandma trying to shag into that movie.

They could eat grandmas to try to chat. I kind of always wanted a Murphy bed, honestly. I also thought it was going to be cool. Like, Declutter. Not even that. Just I can fold my bed up. That's kind of fun. That's not a declutter thing.

That's a de-life thing. I'm separating myself from life, therefore I get a Murphy bed. I can see it now, like, your mom's like, Steve, make your bed? And you're like, just flip it up into the wall. Exactly. None's the wiser. Yeah, you have to be an Eddie Valiant type. Like, you have to be literally like,

I'm talking to cartoons all day and they're paying me. I think Eddie Valiant had a lot to do with this, Chris. You're right. I bet. Well, Steve, you might be in luck, though, dude, because I don't remember where it was. there's always a lot of HGTV onto this house and whatnot. At some point

or maybe it was something I saw on Instagram or whatever. I think maybe they're sort of making a comeback. Ooh. I think there's now like, you know, these like modern furniture stores that are like, we'll build you this like swank as fuck sort of almost like an entertainment center type thing. And a Murphy bed is a part of it like for like apartment living and stuff. So you could, I think invest in a new Murphy bed. Oh, look at this. You can live out.

your dreams finally of living like any valiant did you ever want to look destitute did you ever want to throw your life

in the garbage come down to Murphy's Murphy's beds I'm going to get I'm going to get a buy a Murphy bed and then put a rock and a glass

of scotch and drink it and I'll be like yes I am living my best life well my whiskey rock has been sitting outside in the cold winter air all day

now it can come in and chill my glass we'll install it for free all you have to do is give us your license and your passport which you won't need anymore because you've given up on life you know what dude i hope the murphy bed people all of our great listeners who have murphy beds which i imagine uh numbers the hundreds yeah most for sure i want them to come after you you piece of shit you anti murphy bed piece of shit i'm sure they're all calling their kids eddie valiant jones or whatever the fuck uh i i love the two guys that run in and like pull the bed down and uh totally dead and uh the one guy goes at least he died on the job and then uh the other guy's like he would have wanted to go out that way or something like that like yet we know that this guy wanted to die fucking he's exactly on the job in quotation marks that's not the job sir uh on the fucking rim job and then from here we go to what immediately the osama bin laden funeral they give him yep

Yes, that's the thing you see after the opening credits. Got to point out, though, Nancy Sinatra is singing, You Only Live Twice. Ooh, it's a great little earworm. My favorite of the Bond themes, I think. It might honestly be. Like, I think I actually listen to the song when it's not, when I'm not even like, like, I don't think I listen to any of the other Bond songs when I'm just like hanging out or like in a mix or anything like that, but I have listened to this one.

This one you're walking around listening to? Yes, I have. I think it was like in Mad Men or something and it just like got me addicted to it again. I got to say, man, I felt, because it's my first time watching it last night. And it's one of those things where you realize that your life was fucking ruined because I fucking, I was like, oh, man, it's the Robbie Williams song, right, guys? Millennium. Right? Nobody else.

Robbie Williams, I remember this music video. He was dressed kind of like Bond, right? Yes. And this is, they sample the, do. I wouldn't have been able to tell you that. I heard that I was like, oh, fuck, it's the Millennium song again. I can't believe you are admitting publicly to knowing that Millennium song, Steve, because as you know, it is against the law for United States citizens to listen to Robbie Williams.

Also, is that the one where he turns into a part of the Skeleton League? I can't remember the video that. No, I think it was more champagne and such. Maybe he's wearing a skeleton. I'm not sure, but it's just, you know. There's one where he's, like, ripping off his skin and, like, ripping off his flesh, and then he turns it to a skeleton, man. Oh, no, that's just you listening to his music.

Yeah, I mean, I was renting my flesh, but yes, but I thought he did it, too. But, yeah, it's a banger of a song, but, yeah, one of those things were, like, when you hear the bad sample first, and, like, I can never, I can never get that back, sadly. You know what I mean? That sucks, man. Also, a weird detail in the credits that I totally forgot about. screenplay by roll doll you get pretty weird there

yeah so yes as Eric mentioned we cut to this Osama bin Laden at sea funeral we first see this hilarious newspaper headline it's a picture of Bond and it just goes

British Naval Commander murdered I didn't know he was part of the Navy he's not Commander Bond dude yes he absolutely is really but isn't this a US ship that he's on

I don't look at the registry I don't know it's like the uniforms look no it's M who's in the ship oh okay M's in the submarine once because they basically and this is like just seems like there's a better way to do this you can have a burial at sea for James Bond

but you just put a bunch of rocks at a bag and call that James Bond while James Bond does whatever else he does with a fake mustache on this like fucking David Blaine stunt they pull with he is in the sack and he's got air in there. It's like this thing could go really wrong really quickly.

I know it's a James Bond movie and like who cares what's happening. But like when they they open the seal of the submarine underwater to get you mean you kill everybody, including James Bond again to do this maneuver. And they're just like, yeah, no, no, the water doesn't get in there because of the door. there's another door that's invisible there's gotta be some sort of filtration thing Kevin they're just I'm fucking killing people they're not opening the fucking submarine door underwater that's why they go up to do it it's a it's actually a Polish ship so it's a screezy I could say that with my last name I think I mean

the thing that's important here because at the time of this recording we've already recorded our Goldfinger episode and there's a massive jump in the goofiness of these movies between Goldfinger and you only live twice and I think so like that that kind of

explains the silliness of this the silliness of his gyrocopter I also have a feeling maybe the role doll screenplay has something to do with this you know yeah but for all I know opening the door in a submarine underwater is an everyday thing and the sailors are going to tweet at us

and bully us more than the usual please do it just doesn't make any sense to me i think they're all dead for this is all ghost story as far as i'm concerned uh fan theory yeah this is it this is it wow this is uh this is really low cabin i never thought you just fucking dream you'd create a stupid fan theory like i i'm here man it's in vogue let's do it and uh basically this is the worst way to meet your have a meeting with your boss is after your own funeral and like you have deal this shit and you have to like go talk to M about whatever

and of course money pennies down there like I just it's a lot really quick and again yes obviously it's much more silly and it's fun but it's sort of like I don't know like wouldn't money many be like why do I have to be at the submarine like you really need me this week you really need me can I just transfer your calls

from my office to the submarine yeah oh money penny you know that your no dating policy is strictly upheld by M like you cannot go home and have a night yourself. No, no, no. You have to be alone and lost after me every night.

Well, and I think it's another like fun thing of just like winking to the rest of these movies because there is all, you know, there's always this scene, right? There's always the scene of Bond in these in these Connery ones specifically, right?

Like he's always going to the office, he's always throwing the fucking hat, right? And that's why I love in this one he throws the sailor hat instead his commander's hat instead of his usual, you know, goofy little 1960s man. Yeah, I think I mean, it would have been less silly if you just went to the office in London again or something. But I get it. We're changing it up. And also this is we should say that this is the movie where one of the first movie where he's, but a Connery was really trying to get out of this one. He was like bored and they had to like kind of find, like, A, aside from paying him a shit ton of money, they had to like find ways to kind of excite him to do this one. This is also the one that he was so fucking furious with like the producers that eventually it got to a point on the shoot where like, Like, if they were on set, he wouldn't do anything. Let's get a very famous Japanese actor to balance out the books here.

I do think also that that has to do with why he's kind of at his shape in this one. Like, I'm not fucking, I'm having two steaks for dinner. Like, it's not, he's not like fat or anything like that. But it's not like, just watching, we watched Goldfinger last week. I watched this this week. It's a marked difference in terms of like. Wow. Do you think they were like pumping his stomach on set or something?

I just feel like he kind of didn't care and was just like, whatever, I'm not going to work out. You would think that girtle technology would get better over the years. It doesn't. It gets worse. You watch me not to eat those steaks. Well, too late, you better pump them out of me. Which is so funny to then just see him come crawling back two movies later and diamonds are forever.

It's like, come on, dude. If you wanted to fucking cut the cord, be a man, cut that cord. Stop being in these movies if you fucking hate it so much. That's to you too, Daniel Craig. Big time, dude. Shit or get off the pot and actually just get off the pot. I agree. So, but they filmed that latest Bond movie like seven years ago.

Yeah, seven years ago. Yes, exactly that. It's coming out in two years from now. Oh, they're going to rewrite it again and reshoot it one more time. And then it's going to come out. They finished producing it in 2015, Eric. I just read. A fucking Bond

keeps talking about Obama Also to be noted to Like yeah There is a bit of a paunch here But my goodness The piece I mean the you get a look at the piece His penis

No dude Not his fucking Johnson Dude I'm talking about his fucking head Right Okay The little hat of hair Yeah It's just

It's really bad in this one So anyway I get a technology you would think would get better like the girdles But no, there's no solving for X You just can't do it It's like when George is trying to get fitted

For that wig And Jerry's like Insulting the entire Like concept of wig wearing And then that dude fucking loses His mind on him I don't think you're being helpful I think you're being distracting

Your friend here Trying to better his life you'll keep on turning on fans so they informed Bond here that the spacecraft that was stolen that rocket landed back in Japan somewhere and Bond has to really fucking hoof it

and figure out what's going on because both the the U.S. and the USSR are launching new rockets soon and they have to get to the bottom of this before that happens because fear of nuclear war, of course. And the stakes, I mean, I don't mind any of this really, like, because it's, the beginning is, like, the stakes are really high.

I think the spaceship is really cool. You know what I mean? And especially, like, him, like, kind of faking his death seemingly for no reason, but it's kind of cool. Like, you know, it gives me the edge. Everyone thinks I'm dead. Well, you know, you could just, like, take any other identity, you're a spy. No, no, everyone thinks I'm dead.

It's like, I, like, spies don't, that's why spies don't use. a real name that are to fake their own fucking death dude. You know James, we ran the numbers and this whole faking your death thing, very expensive. We'd like to suggest instead of that, you just stop telling people what your real name is.

James, we had to lay off literally 10 people because of this whole thing. Just didn't have the budget anymore because you had to die again. Ten families went hungry because you had to fake your own death. And this whole faking in the death too, like

Like Steve, you're talking about how ridiculous this is for him to be in this Osama bin Laden burial and then go into this fucking submarine. And him getting out of just being shot out of a torpedo tube, it's like, why did he even go there at all? Maybe M could send a letter. I think part of it and like the editing is kind of choppy here so it doesn't entirely work. But I think it's like they're using the submarine to get him closer to Japan where he actually has to go. And I guess just their logic is like, well, underwater travel, no one's going to see him as opposed to like if he was, I don't know, getting on a plane or whatever. Because alternate scene idea. I'd like a book ticket to Japan, please.

My name is Mr. Lund. There you go. No one knows who I am. I'm Rames Lond and no one is any the wiser. Rames Lond. But you know what? That didn't fucking happen because he got shot out

of this torpedo tube hilariously. And we are in Tokyo. Gotta love it, man. I mean, I always appreciate all the on location filmmaking here. It's really cool seeing

in Tokyo in the 60s like this. The cinematography is gorgeous in this movie. It's shot by the same dude who did Larry of Arabia. When he fights the guys on the roof and we get the copter shot of the stuntman going at it,

it's just fucking great. oh man there's so much helicopter copter shots a plenty in this Eric what a picture so we get him oh he goes to this sumo match that's the big thing here

because he's told by M that he has to when he's in Tokyo he's going to meet up with the head of the Japanese secret service and the password by the way is I love you

oh yeah he was talking about a ship yes uh... double seven you're going to meet a man named henderson now he's going to smell like piss and booze just be prepared for it that's what you don't even have to say the i love you thing just smell piss and booze on a man

and that's the man you're contacting and this initial meeting of the usage of i love you is during a sumo match and i it's just great seeing big boys like getting into a shoving bout it's fucking fantastic i'd love this was some intense sumo wrestling here it was this should be a sport for you know i mean i know it is but like it should be a popular one in america i would watch it yeah i always like broad you imagine some fucking i mean steve yes i cut you off but your suggestion much better broadcast

japanese matches do not have some american ass larry the cable guy motherfuckers going at it i don't need to see that shit you know it's see the thing is it's better than m mb because that's so violent and stuff, but if we've got some husky boys shoving in the backyard. Eric, you know. Eric, I think you're onto something here because, you know, everything is in cycles. We've been missing backyard wrestling. Yeah. Backyard sumo wrestling. We've got a bunch of big boys down there. Why don't you all just try to shove each other outside of a ring made out of Mountain Dew bottles. Yeah. And then you shove your buddy Terry until the Taco Bell comes back up. See, that's the difference. I think like sumo.

dudes are like it's a clean kind of a fat you know a lot of a lot of fish a lot of grains a lot of a lot of sake a lot of beer all that stuff I got to get some good fat as opposed to like some fucking taco bell nacho cheese slippery fat dude

exactly you totally right because what the what the fuck will we do here in a match like this right like so like in in sumo right one of the ceremonial things is the two competitors toss some rice out onto the platform like before they start going at it what the hell are we going to do

goddamn nacho fries just throw some nacho fries on this fucking terrible country. An appetizer sampler platter. I get some mozzarella sticks, some goddamn loaded potatoes can throw them out there on the floor. You can slip on a chicken wing and we fucking add a little something to the match.

Look, Hardee's is looking for a way to like avoid bankruptcy for the 78th time. Why don't you fucking get backyard sumo wrestling and just like shove out the old roast beef while they're fucking entering the ring? shove out the old roast game turn every hardies into a sumo wrestling arena like an outdoor one in the parking lot and that hearties itself all it does is a function now is to feed the sumo wrestlers yes we got the meat and we got the fucking sumo wrestling they're all they're all just like you know how you watch the sumo wrestlers like eat rice with chopsticks you see like them like like just eating curly fries by the handful while they're ready for the match absolutely it's a different dude

It's different, man. The smell alone is so different. It's so different. You know, like, it's like the hot dog eating contests and stuff like that. It'd be better if they were shoving each other during it. Absolutely. Oh, man. Joey Chestnuts just fucking pushing people.

Yeah. He's not fucking around. You do get, I do love this Henderson dude. And Bond having to, like, test his wooden leg is really something. Oh, to make sure that's the dude. And interesting, interesting Bond. trivia here and I will try not to inundate this episode with too much more of this

Henderson played by Charles Gray who's a dude who one he was he's in Rocky Horror Picture Show the movie which is funny but oh it's that guy yes okay yeah the criminologist yeah he also he goes on because

Blofeld is the villain in this movie played incredibly by Donald Pleasence he goes on later to play to play Blofeld in a different movie oh really so I frankly I forgot that. And when he comes on screen here, I was like,

fucking Blofeld. Henderson. What? Dinators are forever. Yeah. Yes. Oh, cool. Wow.

A lot of people have played Blofeld because what after this movie is on, on her majesty secret service. Yeah. Yep. That's Tully Savalas doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Great,

great performance by him. And that I actually really like that movie. I mentioned it on our Goldfinger episode as well. But yeah, so he meets Henderson. Yeah. I love the, he takes the cane and wax that wooden leg kind of great. And it's a nice, this is a little bit of interesting, like, characterization for this Henderson guy, like, who's not in this movie long at all?

But, like, it's one of those bond being like, why the fuck are you living in Japan? And he's just like one of those dudes that was there during World War II and, like, kind of just decided to set up a life for himself. Well, you see, A.O.7, you can become an old drunk here, and they don't try to put you into rehab or anything. They just let you drink. Oh, I'm just trying to avoid child support, 007. Yes, quite. It was either Japan or literally anywhere other than England. Hmm, quite.

Yes, gave them the 23 Skadoo, which coincidentally is probably the age of my son by now. But I wouldn't know. Wow, I never thought about that. Leave the country entirely to avoid child support. Interesting proposal, Henderson. because you know you know he's got a lot

of illegitimate kids all over the place he's probably like showing up and like killing them in the cradle or something like sneaking in a night that's why it's so surprising that James Bond Jr. made it. Yeah. Actually Bond what I do

is I drain on my bank accounts because you know there can't be alimony if there's al no money. You know if that was said with like some sort of American accent and not an English accent, that's a Jeff Foxworthy joke.

I'm trying. Jeff, I'm for hire. Go ahead. Get in contact with my people. Before he's almost immediately assassinated, Henderson tells Bond that he has to meet the head of the Japanese Secret Service whose name he gives him is Tiger Tanaka.

And then it's like, the dude stops mid-sentence and Bond is like, oh, I've seen this before. It goes up and like, yep, knife. right through the back. Those darn paper doors, man. You're getting knifed through these things. It's a cool way to kill this guy because he's like, you know, actually I know quite a bit about

your next adventure. I can solve the whole thing in the next set. But he like doesn't even really react to being stabbed in the back. He's just like, my soul has left the body. My last words is like, ow, stop it. He just shuts off like a

robot. He really does. they pulled the switch off oh boy Bond fucking makes this assassin eat shit though and then dresses up like him and goes back out with the COVID mask that he was wearing or whatever yes totally and he pretends like he was injured or whatever

and just gets in the car because there's like this other heavy who's the driver just you know waiting for him or whatever so he gets in the car like pretending to be this assassin It's great because he like kind of stumbles into the car and he lays down and later he's like, carry me. You know what I mean?

Like this guy has to carry him up to the office too. Like I mean like it just you should It should have been like a, why not go to a hospital at that point? Oh my tom, Tom, Tom hurt so much. Would you put me in your arms, please? Oh, please my Tom, Tom, Tom hurt so much. Too much hardies. I went watching the old sumo matches at Hardee's

and I filled up on roast beef. I'll take Hardee's shaken, not stirred. They were serving their newest thing. It is, oh, God, a deep-fried raviolis, it's very bad. Oh, man, Hardee should not venture into Italian. I've never seen Hardee's in the wild, personally. I definitely have. I think there's some in Pennsylvania, maybe.

Okay. there was one in our hometown that it was around for a while and then it turned into a Chinese buffet and now I think has since been demolished altogether we've recently talked about blimpies and stuff and Steve you were like where where is anyone seeing at blimpies and I found two in Jersey

City so let me see if there's any hearties in your fucking town literally look outside your window there's a blimpies probably Steve imagine if there were also two hearties in Jersey City that you didn't know about? Oh, I'd throw up. I mean, I feel like Hardee's also gets kind of, uh, Kentucky fried chicken Taco Bell kind of a situation. You know what I mean? Like the combos. Yeah,

like one of those. So like it's a Hardee's in a KFC. Yeah, or a hearties in a whatever. No locations in Jersey City. That's a tragedy. That's a fucking tragedy. I bet you it's just not listed. I bet you like Jersey City does seem like a land of lost franchises. Like there's still long John Silver's there there's a Ponderosa down the road you got to know the pass code to get in I do love like when the dude puts him down on the

couch like he opens his eyes like surprise and just starts fighting this guy you said this guy was the Rock's grandfather did I get that right? Yes this is high chief Peter Maya Villa himself just playing this nameless

stuntman in this movie was his only movie he was ever in. It's a pretty cool fight. It's a furniture fight. We're throwing chairs and tables at each other and like... Dude, he is hitting... Lounge couches. Bond is hitting this man with a couch. Yep. Like a whole couch.

I am really into furniture fights. Like the Haywire, Fossbender, that who shall not be named terrible person in Haywire, that I thought was great. And there was a lot of a lot of furniture fighting in that as well. So Hardy's up.

I searched for the nearest Hardee's near me and Google's like, would you prefer Roy Rogers or Burger King? Are you sure you want Hardee's? You don't, right? Pennsylvania and Delaware seems to be rotten with them. Got it. You know, there's probably a lot of, what do you call it, their road stop? Yes. Rest stops, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's definitely where you want to be, that's definitely where you want to be eating Hardee's as a rest. So when you're on the road again for another 20 minutes and you get fucking diarrhea. Hey, Eric, let me know what's going on with Boston Market. No, dude. Do not. Dude.

I know that there's a Boston market in Chelsea. It's on 23rd Street and as of oh, when the fuck. So like around Valentine's Day, that Boston Market on 23rd Street is still in business. See, Eric, you didn't even look it up. Andrew's got the information.

permission right here. You know what? Well, because he jumped in. He was correct. But I know that Boston Market's still around because I see one all the fucking time in Fishkill, New York. Oh. But I'm driving around doing my business. Looking for Hardee's. It's not over. Market is everywhere, Chris. Oh, is it? Boston Market by you. There's, I don't know if there is one near me. I haven't seen one near me. Where is it? I'm at your house. Hi, Eric. Eric, get out of my driveway. answer the phone i'm calling you from your house so bond goes to tiger tanaka's hideout you know he beats the shit out of uh peter myivia there is a weird like he's so winded from this fight he has to pound vodka really quickly and he's like bach siamese vodka bra i do love this this is sort of like your murphy bed discussion that the way that this bar opens up it's like a whole appliance yes i like that it's like a whole room that is this little bar. It's awesome.

Man, some good bar furniture like that for the old homestead. Yeah. Like a sideboard, a legitimate sideboard. Imagine this. You pull up. Yes. You open up the giant doors and it reveals your own private hardies.

Oh, man. It's like richy rich, but gross. Yeah. You can't sell that house. You cannot sell that house. Well, it's beautiful in the Price is right, but it definitely had a Hardee's in here at some point. I cannot, I cannot get that smell.

Hi, I'm Cashy Cash. I'd like a Hardee's in my new home, please. Cashy Cash. I mean, I like the open floor plan. The kitchen needs a little update for sure. I think the Hardee's I think we can get rid of, right? No, no, it has to have a Hardee's. It has to have my daddy.

Bucks Cash will really need it. Bucks cash. Look, I'm telling you, when we started house hunting, what did I tell you my three things were, right? An open kitchen, a redone, converted basement, and it has to have a hearties in it. And this house has all three. I scrapped the sparrow, okay? I let that go. I wanted to sparrow, too, but I let that go.

Derek and Sarah are looking for a new house that's not too far away from downtown. They also need a couple of things in the house for them to take it. on their dream wish list, a backyard pool for the kids to swim and have fun in the summer, and a hearties in the basement to make everything smell like shit. Derek wants a, Derek wants a hearties in the house, and Sarah wants to divorce him. I think the cop, yeah, the compromise is Hardy. He kept, he wanted a whole mall food court in his house, which honestly, you know, going through the pandemic, hopefully it's over eventually.

but I kind of want like if I could just attach a mall to this my little apartment and like walk around a mall very good pretty great dude all I want to do is eat like lonely George Lucas noodles that's what I want to do with my life now so just let me do it a stranger in a crowd

yep just like sit in a food court quietly eat some Panda Express a fucking flat kind of too warm diet Coke Like, yep, a good mall food court meal. The syrups run out of the Coke a little bit, so it's mostly just fuzzy water. Just quietly doing the Wado voice to yourself. Oh, yeah.

So, I mean, this is what the movie sort. Like, the first, like, segment of the Japan stuff is really cool. We just need to get to Blufeld so much sooner because it starts to sag around here. It does sag. With the ins and outs and going back and board. between really incredible offices but I love like I love teasing out of Blofeld

and we just see the cat first forever and eventually we see him the funny thing though is like you don't even get a whiff that there is another villain until like over an hour into this movie that's because he eventually meets the the chemical

magnate Osato and you're like oh so this dude's the villain and then like an hour and something goes by and then you get then that's the first like petting the cat and you're like oh there's another villain here got it well this is one thing i will say like the underground layer that we get to does that was like that made me think of role doll i don't know if it's just because now this movie is like like you were saying andrew that like austin powers really this is one that it really ripped off

and like also like the incredibles i think really had a lot of the island stuff they do has oh sure i thought that was very similar and like There is a very imaginative thing to the underground layer. Oh, yes. I think it's also Hank Scorpio's layer in The Simpsons for sure. This becomes very much like that sort of prototypical bond thing, but this movie has so much like weird racial stuff that it's not exactly the one you think. You don't even like in a way this sort of is the most prototypical bond movie because you have Blofeld.

You have this great sequence with this underground layer and all this stuff with the piranha. And you're like, oh, that's a bond movie. Right. But it's like, yeah, but the racial stuff is sort of like. in the burglar. Yeah, there's a lot of, like, tugging on your collar here. Although I will say Tiger Tanaka, played by the great Tetsuro Tanba, a million things.

But to do a quick, like, survey of his career, right? He was in Harikiri. And then also in 2003, he's in Takeshi Miyake's Gozo. So, like, big difference in movies there. Lots of time past. This dude fucking rules. I love his little underground train. The trapdoor that reveals the train rules the school

Like where she's he's following her is chasing her again And then she pushes a button and he just falls that like the whole platform falls I'm a sucker for a trapdoor man love it love it It's kind of great too because like the slide thing happening like at least for the the back end of this movement is Connery just sliding down it it's not a stunt double and when he like lands on the couch and everything. He kind of has this look like, I am so fucking done with these movies. I just fell on my fucking arse. Where am I? Watch it. Like, he's so internally furious. It's great. I will say if the whole point of this is like to polish the royal crown

and like give a like a sexy look for the UK and everything, I have to say you made the Japanese like spy agency look a lot cooler than the magic submarine that can be opened underwater. And also more more efficient and like he's not a fucking like tiger tanaka like has sex at appropriate intervals you know what i mean like yep yeah he's shown to be totally competent as well he's shown to be totally competent and it's like you could have had a way where it's like oh yes i have to go teach these savages how to do the spy game yeah something so thankfully it didn't do that and it did give the Japanese government at the time like this agency

totally it is kind of great too because he's like wow tiger you've got your own underground train huh and then Tiger is like yeah doesn't your boss M have something similar oh he doesn't oh he just has to

ride around above ground in a car huh oh that's a shame he's been working on a airplane that you can open the doors in mid-flight so we don't have these underground trains sadly. It's a real Homer Simpson, Frank Grimes, like, you've been to outer space? You've never been? Yes, totally.

Doesn't everyone have their own underground? Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, God, that's embarrassing. Sorry for you. Underground trains are wool. Look at you, Simpson. With your family eating lobster. By this time, did we see one of the great moves by the Japanese spy agency here is to get a helicopter with a giant magnet on it that grabs a car that is pursuing bond.

I forget where that is. I think it's when he's escaping Osato's. Yeah. Yeah, it's after that like bad meeting with Osato and they're chasing him. Yeah, I love because that's, again, that's some fucking sweet ass efficiency right there, right? Like these dudes have a really polished operation.

Yeah. Like, Aki calls in like, hey, Tiger, like there's some shit going on. like we need to you know we need some help here and it's like got it no problem instantly massive helicopter with a car magnet on it just takes the villains off the road it's so cool and it dumps them in a river yeah it doesn't in the ocean that is cold-blooded because a one yes you're just leaving them to drown in the middle of the ocean essentially but like also you just know once that thing is lifting up they're pissing and shitting themselves and that car smells terrible and they're screaming it's

It's a terrible place to be, and then you drown to death. I thought of a great question. Now, if you scare someone enough that they piss and shit themselves before they die, do they still lose 23 grams? I think you go down to like eight grams at that point. I think that's the actual soul stuff. But by the way, pro tip out there, if someone puts a big car magnet on your car, get out. Yeah. Even if it's like 20 feet, you just want to jump.

Even if you break your ankle. exactly it's uh it's it you don't want to go where that car magnet is taking you i do love that this seems like a they did this for real at least a little bit it doesn't seem like uh what do you want to call oh i think this is this is a car dump dude yes it's an absolute car dump totally which is pretty dope it is but that's got to be a thing where it's like all right everybody get ready because like the second this thing hits the water you have to get out there and like grab it you know like it was the 60s so probably not like there's now it's just ocean trash

but like I would like to think that in like a modern day production it would be like all right now let's please go retrieve that out of the water immediately before it gets swept away or something all right Jeff drop the car okay cars drop now Jeff you can't pick that thing right back up right

oh fuck okay yep destroy the ocean yeah we're just got to destroy the ocean that's sorry they had to do it like four different times like four fucking cars down there like we didn't get it we didn't get it oh you know what I can actually see the last one from up here

like it's gone up so far at this point it's pretty it's neat it's neat is what it is I found the line in my notes when Aki calls Tiger she goes arrange for the usual reception please which says to me they are doing this all the time oh yeah they are dropping

cars into the ocean left and right they're building an artificial reef yeah this this was after it's a it's a quick scene doesn't really matter but bond is investigating this osato uh mr osato and his company here um he's put i'm mr fisher yes i'm looking to buy some chemicals and like it's like fucking discovered immediately right because of course he's packing heat and osato sees this on like an x-ray machine that he has in his desk pretty badass i would like some of your most illegal chemicals, please. Oh, no, my name is Mr. Fisher.

That Mr. Bond, I believe he died quite some time ago, yes. Oh, and that rotten James Bond, you know another thing about him, Mr. Osato. He hated chemicals. I, Mr. Fisher, love chemicals. Well, then you'll drink some, won't you, Mr. Fisher? Oh, no, I don't, I never drink in the morning. What am I some sort of sex-crazed alcoholic? like that misdner bond.

Try this is our new windshield wiper fluid. One question, will it fuck me up? Because I'll drink whatever you got if it will fuck me up. How ripped am I going to get off it? Yeah, so they go, they realize that, so there's a boat

that they've been photographing and they're suspicious of, and it's actually a boat that is owned by Osato, which is on its way to, Singapore. So this is a great Bond is like, hey Tiger, contact M. Tell him to send Little Nelly. And her father, yes.

Yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, and make sure that father comes to Little Nellie's father. And so they follow Aki and Bond make their way to like a dock where this boat is. They get jumped by a bunch of henchmen right here. It's a pretty good chase. This is Eric where you were talking about the awesome copter shot. Oh, yes. Because Bond, like, runs up on this roof and all these dudes are following him. And then

the camera, which is seemingly like on the, it's such a great shot, like seemingly on the roof just takes off into the air and like Bond is running across this roof, fighting all this guys. It's a fucking totally awesome shot. It is really cool. It is really, really awesome. And then

Bond to escape the scenario does a bunch of like assassins, creeds jumps. It does a triple Lindy. Yeah. It's kind of like help but an action movie, you know what I mean? Like all these people are chasing him. You're totally right. Sadly, it's all for a knock because he just gets clobbered in the head when he gets down from the roof.

It is kind of a funny thing, man. I had a good laugh right here. He's like, oh, beat all of them by gracefully jumping off this roof under all these soft platforms. Dunk? Like some dude I didn't know where he just fucking nails him. which is pretty great but this is yeah he's now kidnapped and being held hostage by this is

Helga Brandt is the character's name they're referring to her by number 11 mostly that's her specter designation but this is also Karen Dorr, German actress from Hitchcock's Topaz by the way she's like kind of like fourth banana

in that movie. Probably my least favorite Hitchcock I've seen not a fan of it. Well it's that or frenzy right like the latter days I like friends dude frenzy's rad I gotta go back to

oh you should revisit dude it's his only R rated film it's fucking violent and creepy cool assassination attempt here though she pulls on bond taking them up into this plane and then just being like

well see you later yeah it's not I mean again like just shoot the student in the head he like lands the plane somehow it's like well lady you didn't do a very great job of killing this guy did you you know what i mean like there's that weird like wooden board that goes over his hands like that'll do it and i was like isn't that just the thing they have at movie theaters now where like the arm swings around so you can sit there like a big fat pig with your

fucking concession i'm not a fan i don't think anyone should be fed to piranhas for their failure but if anyone had to after this assassination attempt i'm with blowfeld here man you fucked up majorly. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, somebody told her that he was allergic to wood and that was just a problem that she should have, she should have checked that before doing this. No, no, I shut I got to Woody. Oh, oh no. I do love his like miracle on the Hudson, like just landing this fucking broken plane on a road. I think it's a compelling little set piece. It is. But she's had it, she had him tied to a chair and had a scalpel and then it's like, okay, I have a better eye. idea. Let me get him into a plane and then I'll jump out and maybe kill myself instead of just like literally stabbing him in the heart right here. Look, I'm too horny to do my job up here. I have to do it in the sky.

All right, because they've bedded by this point. Yes. Yes. Of course. Does he sleep with her? No. I think it's implied. Oh, yeah, maybe it is. He undoes her dress. Yes. Yes, he does. Oh, that's right. And he says, the things I do for England. That's right. Yeah, because she's like torture. him and then he's like, what if instead of torturing me, we could have dirty sex? What if instead of torture, we do cock and ball torture? Per usual, I'm going to have to fuck for freedom. You're right, because I think he's like talking her up right here and then it's like a, don't you hate having to work for your boss? Isn't that he's so bad to you, you know, we could, I think it's a thing where like he, he sort of thinks in that moment that he's about to flip her, but that absolutely does not happen. You know, I need a communist bond

where he's just like, don't you hate working? Don't you want to overthrow the capitalists? Join your brothers. Come on, comrade. So let's see here. You do all this work. You kill these people.

You're running dirty chemicals. And you get paid what? And Blofeld has a cat. Where is your cat? That's your labor. Your labor is providing the death. Blofeld's not doing anything. When is the last time you've seen Blofeld kill anyone?

And that's exactly why you should have sex with me right now. Caviard, when was the last time you saw Blofeld kill anyone that hadn't screwed up one of his plans? You know, Blofeld, he's just got a cue ball up there. I have the good grace to actually try to put a... piece of shit air piece on now how about you and me

do the horizontal proletariat we get to we get to the most unfortunate costuming decision

in this franchise and it is Desmond Luellen beloved queue wearing these shorts with

these wool goddamn knee socks it just look uncomfortable and itchy is all get out. I like it. I'm sad to actually see a cue. When I asked for a little Nelly and Daddy,

I was actually expecting Mr. Epstein to come down here. But I guess you'll do. I guess you'll do. Oh, and you brought the helicopter. Good, good. Yeah, I think James Bond killed him in prison, so it wouldn't come out. Yeah. Well, 007, this will disable all cameras in his cell, you see.

this piece of chewing gum shall disable the cameras and yes, you could make it look like a suicide. That's right, Mr. Barn. Now, look at this really quickly here. This is a, it appears to be just a common bed sheet shaped like a noose. But you just press this button here in your shoelace

and, oh, look at that. It tightens around his neck automatically. Well, anything for the Clinton body count. Yes, you see, this little button. All you have to do is press it and it will make sure that there are no more jail guards in his near himself.

But yeah, so, yeah, I do like that I like how put out Q is here. He's like, fuck, man. I would be like, hey, cool, free trip to Japan. But, you know, Q's not that exciting. Well, no, I mean, here's the thing, right? He hates Bond, and he hates when Bond comes to his office, and now it's like,

wait a minute, you're telling me I have to fly all the way around the world for that son of a bitch. He's not even going to come into my office is that right oh oh happy day indeed he probably also hates japan because he was probably there torturing people at some point that's also true yeah but yeah i feel like also cute just a guy he doesn't like you know leave in london and also he made me now i had to bring awe over here to construct the damn well yes i do love the idea that they have to put it together like on ikea fucking uh desk essentially but at the same

At the same time, it's kind of neat. Like, it's so compact, like, you just take a few suitcases somewhere, and you could build your own fucking murder helicopter. I don't know. I don't know, Q, there's a lot of dowels in this thing. It's just not going to really hold together. A lot of wooden dowels, I'm fine. You know...

If you check your shoe, there should be an Allen wrench that could pull out of it. Kew, there's way too many dowels. I know when I press down on this goddamn fiber board, it's just going to split right? two. No, it won't 07. Yes, it will. It's a goddamn

IKEA gadget. Yeah, but so he puts together this really cool little gyrocaptor, right? That's, it's neat. Yeah. It's a rad copter. And then we immediately get a little helicopter chase here, which is cool. Like, he gets up, because he's flying to this island. And I think the idea is, like, this is

a tiny little thing, and it'll, like, keep him off the radar or whatever. And they're trying to explore this island further. And so he's going towards it and then these four helicopters come out of nowhere. This is pretty great because of course little Nelly, right? It's designed by Q. There's fucking death gadgets inside it. So he's got like missiles

and machine guns and a fucking flamethrower which is the first thing. It's so good. It just lights up a copter and it goes down and then like we start just playing the James Bond theme song over this scene and you know what? It fucking works. Well I assume these are all models but

it's really cool to look at all these little things explode kind of a thing. yeah it's a totally compelling you know practically produced action scene you know marry a computer to be found it's nice it's very nice to see honestly the exterior shot at the end of the movie when we see the compound blow up in the volcano and stuff might have benefited from a computer but nothing else would have maybe yeah that's true uh so while that's it is kind of funny because the the copters all go down and connery is basically like Yeah, little Nellie ran into some visitors.

This whole thing is fucked up. I'm just going to have to come home. But he's told that he actually needs to just like hang and wait for some further instructions because the Soviets launched their next shuttle and that got snatched up as well. And this is the thing that now tensions are getting higher. Wouldn't that tell you both like, okay, then? Because how could the Americans also have this Pac-Man-esque snatching thing? You know what I mean?

Like you, and even as the Americans, you'd be like, oh, okay, we're getting played by somebody, but only the incredibly intelligent British can figure this one out. It would be cool if they just leaned into it. Like, it's probably aliens, but I'm here just to check it out. Well, like, it would be funny if the Americans were like, it's eating our spaceships like Pac-Man. What do we have to do? We've got to send up a few ghosts.

Oh, yeah. Let's send up some ghosts. Let's get all, like, the dead. astronauts and send them up there. Pac-Man wasn't even invented yet, right? No, no, no, no. I'm just having to fun. But maybe this is where it started, right? In British intelligence, like everything else.

It's a better version of that would be pixels, man, that's for sure. Oh, yikes. But so we get, we're told, there's a quick cutaway. It's kind of funny because it's like, again, these dumb Americans are so hell-bent on this idea that it's the Soviets, that there's a guy he's got some line where he's just like, nah, nah, nah, no, no, forget Japan. And then it just

cuts immediately back to Japan. This is where it's the volcano hideout. We're introduced to fucking Blowfeld in voice and cat petting only. We don't see Pleasance's face yet, but he's giving some orders. He is over petting this cat, dude. Like, you got to let this dude breathe a little. He's like

really petting this cat like every second. It's so funny. And then towards later in the movie, when the shit goes down. That cat wants out of Donald Pleasant's arms and it's amazing. The cat freak out? Yeah, the cat freak out. I'm sorry to jump the gun and talk about the cat freak out now, but

it's so good. Dude, I was laughing my ass off because like that cat clearly wants to not be held by this man. And then I'm thinking like Donald Pleasance was like popping this cat's internal organs while he was holding it. Oh, absolutely. Because like it's a prop

on the film set. Oh my god. Yeah, they didn't get the little ASPCA warning there or approval stamp or whatever. They threw it to the piranhas after they were done with it. The piranhas were real and on set. Yes, there were 24 cats on this set.

We just went through them like fucking clean eggs. Get another white fluffy cat. It's like Milo and Otis with the kill count on these things. Oh my God. Oh dear, I accidentally sat on the leather cat. Bring me another. I can't believe

he keeps killing all these cats. He's got four minutes of screen time. This is ridiculous. Donald, get your ass off that fluffy cat. Donald, Donald, I just don't know how killing 17 cats is method. I don't know how that works. I don't know what that means. Your character is supposed to like cats.

Oh, I was reading it completely wrong, it appears. Well, too late now. He's a cool, I mean, I like the Blofeld thing. Again, it takes way too long to get here, but it is kind of cool to watch. And once we're at this facility, I'm like, okay, I'm pricking back up a bit, you know? Right. He does have a hilarious line in this first introduction here where he's like, he gives all these orders. And then it's basically like, and you know, and tell me when this is done.

And you just hear him go, I shall be in my apartment. I was like, did you just say your apartment, dude? Yeah. Yeah, he's got an apartment in this volcano layer. there's a fireplace it's very nice actually so nice i would love to live there but blowfeld here he's meeting with uh asato and well first he's meeting with these two other dudes and he's like all right so here's the deal like it looks like it's on the u.s and the USSR pissed off at each other like nuclear war is happening you know i demand a hundred million dollars in gold bullion and these two

dudes are like yeah but that wasn't the deal man like We were only going to pay you after war broke out. And he's like, yes, well, I am a world criminal, you see. So I'm prone to lying to people. And then he's like, oh, well, actually, oh, yes, you're not going to pay me. Okay, totally fine. Oh, let me bring in Miss Helga here. Oh, hello, Ms. Helga, time to die.

And it's very clearly like he's trying to make a message here. Yeah, public execution. It is hilarious, though, because it's like, he's like, so, do you know who that man is? It's actually James Bond. and he's like and they do the whole like but he's dead and he's like you know oh well it appears not did you kill him with that whatever airplane gimmick you were doing and then like osato is immediately like she did it she fucked that up like totally dumping on 11 right here it's the funniest like no no no i didn't do that i told her to kill bond but she had this

crazy plane idea i i love i got to say like last week i was saying i i miss fat villains animal execution stuff. I need more like pirat like you have a lion's den that you can like throw a small like gladiator pit underneath your apartment because you're a rich super villain just throw somebody

in there something like that. I want more of that. You're totally right dude. How about a good old fashion shark tank every once in a while. Thanos has like a big tub and like stupid gators are like swimming in it and he throws people in one after the other. The shark tank is a terrifying when you throw

people in there and Mark Cuban starts fighting them and the bald Canadian guy and you have to pitch about some new kind of sunglasses I guess we need oh they're very interesting Mr. Bond these new sunglasses oh

the only way out of this one Mr. Bond is taking a royalty deal I love yeah I mean that's why I mean talking about animals killing people that's why crawl was such a breath of fresh air man like I love just watching Gators smash of people.

Love it. That's all I need. That's a movie. Now, I still haven't seen crawl, but like, is this gator, like getting multiple people? There's a lot of people. I feel there's a decent amount of kill, gator kills. Yes. I think there's some separate gators that get other people,

but the main, the main driver of that film is a gator in like the basement or whatever of her father's house, played by Barry Pepper. Right. I thought it was a movie where like it was just two people in a house with a gator and it was one of those like no other cast to be found kind of a gate gators are like killing people at the gas station yes exactly what what what

what prompts this it's a flood yeah there's a flood to the town it's kind of beset by gators yeah i see i thought i thought like a satellite crashed or something and it both it it raised the dead uh and made gators just that'd be amazing i think there's like three gators it's like he'll be doing louis or something like that you know i just looked up crawl too and it doesn't exist i'm like the fuck are we doing it folks i should rewatch that actually had a terrible movie theater experience with crawl is that right yeah it was just uh you know uh living my weird podcast life now i went in the afternoon and it was full of like

teenagers with flashlights doing fucking uh grimlins ask fucking shadow puppets I'm like, okay. Did they bully you again? No. No, but I am now going to, I think, I think when the pandemic is over, I don't know if I'm ever going back to the theater on 42nd Street. But yeah, so she eats shit, that piranha tank, they eat her. It's fucking hilarious. That we are introduced to Tiger Tanaka's ninja school, the absolute best.

Also, what a great detail. I think he also has some line that's like bad news from outer space, James Bond. about the latest snatching or whatever and then we get the ninja school I just love the I just love I want to isolate that sound clip bad news from outer space bad news from outer space James Bond the ghosts turned blue

and the spaceship ate them too yeah satellite has crashed causing alligators to turn crazy that's how it turns out the the only person that could save you Mr. Bond is a father who is for some reason stuck in his flooded house with the gator right now. He could not make it to work today.

Florida will be a state of gators. It really will be, though. It will truly be a state of gaiters. Give it 20 years. That's about right. Yeah. But I love all this ninja training. It's fucking great because, like, they clearly knew at the time, like, all right, for the audience at large globally, like, they probably don't know what

ninjas are and of course this is before the great ninja craze of the 1980s see our commentary on Enter the Ninja Patreon.com slash we 8 movies but so I feel that they're like because Bond is like ninja you say and Tiger has to be like yes

train Japanese assassins blah blah blah blah blah blah like really sort of laying out Ninja 101 on but I am disappointed that we don't ever see anyone in a full ninja guard yes there's a lot of cool like ninja you get some ninja swords definitely some ninja star action which i appreciate but yeah i want the mask yes it's good

you just don't have the mask and the whole get up but i guess you get like this tactile almost like swimsuit version at the end of the movie when these dudes help invade blowfeld they give him a surgery to make him look like a romulan that's the thing so i mean that's something that is the next movement which is quite something kind of a bowel movement it is i mean the movie does bottom I'm out here. It does, and Chris, you're absolutely right. That's exactly my note as well. It's a Romulan. If you ever watch the episode where Troy becomes a Romulan, they look exactly

the fucking same. He does have a line, though, that's great, Tiger Tanaka, where he's, because they're watching, they're doing all the ninja training, he's watching it all. And then they go into, like, this underground bunker part of it, and he's like, now we will see some modern ninjas. And it's just ninjas with guns.

Yep. Now, this is a, kind of martial arts I can get into. Yeah, exactly. But this is, yeah, so he lays it out. He's like, all right, so here's the deal, dude. Like, everyone thinks you're dead anyway. So, you know, we're going to train you in, this is ridiculous.

He's like, there's three things we're going to do. And this will help us infiltrate this base and, you know, stop Specter. And he's like, first, you become Japanese. Yikes. Second, train to become a ninja, which in this. This movie happens over the course of about 72 hours as far as I was able to clock it. Bond Masters Ninja Skills. And then the third, for extra special cover, which comes to nothing in this movie, you have to take a wife.

And it's just like, what? Well, he just like pretend to be a Japanese fisherman, which, okay. But like, he never has to be a Japanese fisherman. It's not a thing. It never happens. The movie just decides because what winds up happening. is they're working off a certain timetable of like, oh, it's another couple weeks

until the launch and we have to figure out what's going on, because if one more fucking spaceship gets snatched, you know, there's going to be nuclear war. Also, I love the notion of like, we're going to continue sending shit into space regardless of some unknown entity that is taking these vessels. Like, I feel

like after the first ship is kidnapped by another ship, we're not launching shit into space for a really long time. Yeah, let's take a break. How about, hey, hey, call up France, call up everybody, be like, hey, guys, let's just take a break. I know that the 1960s is the height of pig-hannishness of the Cold War, but yes, we would definitely take a breather on sending ships into space once one guy gets graveted and the other one's kidnapped, presumably by aliens. Yep, exactly.

And also, great, you know, great thing. You got to put it in here because, you know, we've been doing so much weird stuff with. Japanese people in this movie but also here's a reminder bond also your new wife has a face like a pig yeah that's great and her name is

her name as well as it's kissy right yeah Kissy Suzuki it's not good it's just you know what at least we could say Kissy this full episode if you listen to our Goldfinger episode

you can hear it's say We'll see a lot. That's right. James Bond, here's your new wife, a baby baby baby. It's a baby, baby, baby name. Yeah, that's what we called her.

Come on, Goo Goo Gaga. We're supposed to be on a honeymoon. I mean, and guess in that sense, though, of like giving the women in Bond films, like names like that, you know.

It is what it is kind of a thing. It's hung in cheek. Like, it's pulp genre, you know, dime store, novels like I don't I don't really begrudge it for being dumb you know no but I think the I think the biggest difference though is like I seriously think they say kissy like once in this movie yeah versus Goldfinger where he is saying pussy any fucking chance he gets by the way it would be a great baby name for any expecting mothers out there yeah kissy kissy huggy yeah go ahead that you know if you're triplets kissy kissy pussy and huggy yeah oh geez Jesus, that social services is coming immediately. Yeah, that's like naming a kid, Adolf Hitler.

That's right. Please meet my son, Handjob, Martin. I mean, I will. Handjob Martin sounds like a boring cop show from the 19th century. No, it does not. You can call him H.J. Or. Yeah.

H.J. works. Hand job, not so much. I mean, because a hand job is just a hand job. Coming up on ABC next week on the new episode of Handjob Martin. James Garner stars once again his beloved TV cop, Hand Job Martin. Yeah, he's called that because he's always like doing like, he's always like bluffing in card games or something. Now it's his partner, Finger Strickland.

Well, Hand Job, we've tied you up. And yes, we've put you in mittens, making your hands useless. Well, my partner fingers will be deep in you soon enough. See, it could be a show. It could definitely be a show. I would watch it every week in 1970. Here's the thing. Aside from all of the racial uncomfortableness of this entire sequence,

it's also incredibly boring. Like, it stops the movie dead. I know that there is an island with an incredible, with fucking Donald Pleasance and fucking piranha and lasers and all sorts of crazy shit and we are so far away from it because there's just like a lot of just fucking around and it's

there's a lot of fucking around I mean I'm sorry I'm sorry a lot of racist fucking around I want to be clear about that it's just racist fucking around there's some things that are fucking around that aren't racist though like there's this the last night like before the training kicks in and before the wedding and everything

you know because he's like trying to bang Aki through this whole movie so he's like all right doctor there's just one last night before I have to go marry this pig woman or whatever they've been telling me so let's do it let's get it on and you know they sleep together or whatever

and while they're sleeping a fucking assassin dude a ninja assassin comes in the night I've always this this fucking death right here it's always freaked me out like this guy's got a little like ball of string that he like lets down in front of Bond's face and then we're like dribbling poison

like all the way down the little string pretty cool but this also in gross point blank it was this is the opening death in gross point that's right oh shit yes oh i got to go back to that that's been a long time since i've seen that movie i remember liking it a lot i i wonder if it holds up i i'm not too sure i watched it very recent it's one of my favorite cusacks honestly i i i love that movie he's great in it yeah the the fucking the fucking the fucking the fucking here he'll turn was shocking like how did that would be the bad guy.

And he gets killed like he's in Henry portrait of a serial killer. Totally, dude. He gets a stew marker. That's exactly what I was going to say. Oh, I was sorry. Yeah, that's my favorite, that's my favorite last line before you die. Popcorn!

Yeah, so we see, and all of this sluggishness like Bond is doing some ninja training. There is a fucking hilarious thing of like it's because it's a quick montage of them doing this stuff but there's one guy that just like they're doing like here's and now all these ninjas can break things with their body and this dude just smashes a watermelon with his hands which i thought was pretty great oh yeah the watermelon smash that's like a fucking show in gallager how to do it oh yeah

you need a sledgehammer you pussy here you go cacao yep that's exactly right dude this was what 1967 like or yeah 67 like I feel like Gallagher maybe just saw this movie's like stay wait a minute wait a goddamn minute I'm having an inspiration here I could do what a ninja does mark hold on maybe if I end my show that way they won't boo me master master have you ever thought of using a sledgehammer instead of your hands come on master I want to learn There's a dude definitely pulling an even more hardcore version of the thing from Karate Kid too because there's a dude with a big ice block and this guy fucking totally headbutts that thing. That was pretty great.

But yeah, I mean, I totally agree with you, Steve. The movie kind of just sort of goes to sleep right here. We get the, it's just this stupid fucking wedding scene. And it's just like, we've already had Aki who's an amazing character. and I mean like you know Kissy is fine and I'm not saying they're interchangeable at all but I'm just saying like we had a cool badass woman for him to like

for him to romance we don't need to swap it out you know what I mean I mean Kissy's function in the movie turns out to be like we're gonna look for this fucking layer and then when we find it you go you just go swim back and tell all the ninjas to bail

my fucking ass out yeah right yeah well she also right was I remembering this right she just like Aki like they both work for Tiger Tanaka so it's even weirder in that sense that they just decided to like change out the character I mean I guess we wanted to kill close to Bond raise the stakes because they probably recognized that the movie was getting sluggish and maybe that or it's about to get sluggish maybe this would like keep it going in somewhere he mourns her for

like half a second maybe like she's dead on with more sex please Yeah, because it's not like, oh. You have another wife for me, please? It's like, oh, I'm going to get those bastards what did that to Aki. It's like, oh, well, that's a real bummer. Are you got a ditch in the back to bury this? Is that my problem? Oh, God.

Don't please tell me I don't have to bury her. He is doing a lot of, like, show. We're supposed to be on a honeymoon, you say. Oh, this is more, this honeymoon is more boring than an episode of Hanja Barton. I just want her to, like, turn to him, be like, could you stop showing me your erection? I get it. I really, really get it.

We're supposed to be married. It's a honeymoon. L.O.L. put that shit away. It is kind of rad, though, because when they get to Kissy's house, he's like, you know, immediately like, show honeymoon. And she's just like, fuck you, dude. I'm at work.

Like, we're working. Do you understand this is a fake marriage? This is a fake fucking honeymoon, you idiot. You know, I can't, I can't sleep well if I'm not naked under the sheets. I can't, I can't wear anything underneath and I might just hug you with my bono. She also very pointedly is like, that's your bed and I am going to sleep over here on the other side of the room. We're supposed to be married. What are you talking about?

I mean, it's like he is so pissed off. So when she turns him down, right? they're about to eat lunch and the he's like oh what are these oysters oh yes I love this and then like then she like lays out the thing about like

there'll be no fucking on this work trip and then he's like well guess I don't need to eat these and throws them down it's like dude that was lunch that was sustenance and you were only eating it for horny reasons you can eat oysters

and it's not like fucking like 90 milligrams of Viagra dude you can eat oysters and go on about your day without having sex Nope, he's doing that, and he's, like, chugging pineapple juice. No. But, like, he's like a little kid.

Like, he throws these chopsticks down, like, well, I never. That's so dumb. You know, I guess I'll just have to go get some hearties of Boston Market. Honey, you know, I can't sleep over on the other bed. We're saving that for the baby. You remember. We got to plan for it. We got to plan for a family.

I'm getting deep under cover So she's like All right look I heard about this woman from the village This fishing village who took a boat Into this cave and when the boat came back out She was dead and Bond is like All right well that's where we got to go

Dead woman cold let's go Oh yeah Maybe you won't make it out alive either kissy we'll see how this honeymoon goes, if you know what I mean. First of all, that sounds hilarious. Second of all, let's investigate. Oh, yes, that cave of dead women,

one of my old haunts. So because they're like, you know, he's, the deep cover is there just this couple that works in this fishing village. He's like, all right, when we go out at the ass crack at dawn tomorrow to go fishing with all the other fishing boats, we'll sort of just like turn a,

way and you know make our way to this cave uh and then you know he's they get in this cave it's kind of a great like bond realizes there's some gas around and they have to jump off the boat and it's clear that like some blowfeld and company are putting this stuff here to like prevent people from coming in and bond surmises that uh you know this cave actually was at one point where like lava from the volcano would fall out and he's like so that's got to go right up to the top and you know so they get we're starting climbing this mountain and he's fucking furious again like they're climbing

he's tired and he's like some honeymoon I know I'm just sorry I can't while we're climbing a mountain I cannot jerk you off could we get over it please but yeah so then you know he determines it's kind of a cool thing where

you know they go down into the like the volcano a little bit and it's like this green film over the top of it and he's like oh do you think you think that water goes deep or what kissy and he throws that rock and it's just like clang oh it's the metal

cover I love this garage door that they have over this volcano it's so awesome you couldn't see this from a far man you couldn't tell that this wasn't water well it's all painted to make it look like there's like algae on top of it I mean possibly but I also just think maybe he's going

blind on top of the toupee problem Maybe Bond is just losing it here already. I got to tell you from personal experience, Chris Cabin, sometimes it is hard to tell when there's algae and when that's grass or something else. Like when I was a little kid, I have this very visceral memory of being at my nannas. And she had a pond in her backyard that had algae all over the top of it,

but I had no idea. And I thought it was just grass. And I kept walking, just little like four-year-old Andrew like, da-da-da. stepped on this thing immediately just douche right into this water my mother pulled me out by my hair

because there's like holy fuck this child just fell in this deep pond I totally get yeah I'm agreeing with you I think James Bond has about the smarts and the sense of baby Andrew I think James Bond's going with a case of like oh no I'm going blind first to twist the hairy palms

and now I'm going blind shouldn't have been cranking it watching Hand Job Martin every week I know that's not what the show is about but here in the word hand job it just sends me into a fit Did you know in the United States they've got salacious commercials

We do have salacious commercials Pretty bad ones I jerk off to them some of them for hardies i think hardies hardies didn't have like a mascot but their logo had that dipshit smiling star on it right my hard on loves hardies

always masturbate any of the commercials doesn't matter they've got the meats and so do I always at arby's what oh yeah i think it's arbyes we've got the miss no never mind i masturbate to both of them i like i like masturbating the ving James' commanding voice. That's true. He's, he's doing Arby's commercials.

He's the Armies, he's the Arby's guy. Arby's, we have the meats. I've got the meat of my own. Arby's has the meats. And then once you eat it, then you have the meat sweats as the idea. This is entrapment. It's entrapment.

I think the slogan is, Hardies, you have the shits. Yep, that's it. There it is. Ving Rames is like, man, I am not saying that into a microphone. I fucking refuse to say, we've got the shits. Go back to the drawing board and come up with another slogan for Hardee. That's why, you know, Hardee's is smart and they got Nick Nalty.

You have the shit. You got to shut your fucking pants. Hardish. Oh, man. They, uh, yeah, so whatever. He, he climbs into this thing. there is a hilarious like he gets on the underside of it with suction cups which is great yes that's pretty cool and this whole infiltration's fun yes it is and it's what the movie wakes

back up a bit you got you got great things like uh apparently in this volcano layer there's just a monorail ride i love that yeah it's really cool but this is where he like hides under a tarp in this little train he does yeah oh because he's so that he discovers there's a room with like all the astronauts are being jailed and he frees these dudes, he gets them in like, they like knock out a bunch of workers and, you know,

get into their uniforms. And it's this like hysterical thing of Connery dressed in this astronaut costume and these other two guys are like pretending to be the guys taking him to the launch pad or whatever. Like Sean Connery is fucking two feet taller than everybody else in this movie. Like, of course you were going to get got trying to do this. It's great because, yeah, and then, like, a Blofeld's like, who is that asshole? And it's just like, please just stop pretending you're not.

You're one of my astronauts. We know you're not. But it's so funny because, yeah, Blowfield calls it out right here because he's like, no, astronaut would ever enter the capsule carrying his air conditioner, which I was like, all right, Blofeld astronaut expert I guess but if that had not happened like if Blofeld was in the can or something you know and missed Bond on the monitor

what is the end game right here like if is Bond getting into well I guess I'm going to space somebody stop me no I'm going to space the idea is like you would kill the other astronaut in there and not try to swallow the other ship and

somehow everything will work out you know what I'm going to go into space do a K-turn and go back to Britain. I'm going to do something on my bucket list. I always wanted to jack off in space. So that's right. Then I'll come back and I'll thwart him, I swear. Oh, it usually just flies on the floor,

but here it just floats. It's beautiful. It's floating. It never happened to an episode of Handjob Martin, I'll tell you that. But here in space, it's floats. Well, that's the reboot is the Space Opera hand job martin yeah the reboot with nick offerman in the role you're going to jerk my dick

now uh you have to wait till uh moonraker for him to actually fucking space though that's where that goes down if i'm remembering the end of that movie right um but yeah so here we go we fucking meet him finally the last like 15 to 20 minutes of the movie i am ernst stavro Blofeld. Fucking Pleasance, man. He's so awesome. He is great. And he's looking trim in this. It is. And he's got the totally shaved head

Michael Jordan style like that. And the weird, like, droopy shit over his eye from the scar. Oh, the scar. Oh, it's fucking awesome. It's all awesome. I'm surprised he didn't try the Hitler stash like Jordan. You would think, you know, try these similar styles.

You know, every once in a while, like, I think back to when Michael Jordan have that Hitler mustache. And I'm like, like, he had to have thought about that for a second, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He was like, I, I'm about to leave my house. And I

just have a Hitler mustache. He was trying to redeem it for everyone else. I don't know. Charlie Chaplin. He was a Charlie Chaplin-esque figure after a period in space. I don't know. I think it was a fuck you. He's like, yeah, you're good. I'm going to have this Hitler mustache and you're also going to beg me to sell Haynes.

No, the short mustache advisory board have been like really working for 60 years to like get that mustache back from Hitler. Like, who could we get? Who could we pay to wear this mustache to maybe? Well, Michael Jordan may, and they tried. It was an interesting gambit by that council, but it didn't work. Look, it just can't be cultural critics from Brooklyn. Somebody else has to have this mustache.

Someone famous. I mean, someone liked. Listen, let's not forget our failure with the co-bandleader of Sparks. I mean, the thing about it is, though, like, it's just like when what's his name, the artist in Feels Good Man, like tries to get back Pepe the Frog, like, it's just gone. Pepe the Frog is gone to hate. That mustache is gone to hate. Just like the Swamp. You just can't do it. Yes, also gone to hate. It's all lost.

It will never be redeemed. You can't redeem Pepe the Frog. Unfortunately, I know he started out with the best of intentions, but it is just impossible. And it is the same thing with that mustache style. What if, now what if someone got like a Pepe the Frog mustache? How would that work? I guess a tattoo in the area. Oh, yeah.

A tattoo. I'm sure some asshole does. Yeah. Like in the Hitler spot. Just right in the. the Hitler spot. You're just getting a Pepe in the front, like his face or something? Well, that's like two negative numbers, like two racisms make a positive kind of a thing. I think so. Yeah. I see. Okay. You're definitely, you're definitely getting a lot of people squinting at you if you do that.

A lot of people like, what the fuck is that under your nose? Yeah, two racemes make a right. I remember learning about that on an old handjob Martin episode in the 70s. It's a very educational program, honestly. Oh, and Pleasance also has the great You Only Live Twice, Mr. Bond. Fucking awesome. Get that titular ass line in there. Yes, which is also a lie because you only live once, we all know, from Yolo.

Oh, right, of course, yeah. But I guess it was not Yoto. It's referencing his fake death. Yes. Yeah. Is this the only time that Pleasence played Blofeld? Indeed, yeah. That's a bummer.

It is a bummer. because Telly Savalas, I mean, Telly Savalas does a great job in the next movie. And he's Q ball, bald, I think, as well. But then when that Henderson dude plays him, he's just got a fucking weird white guy, gray

hair head. And then yeah, kind of sucks. And then I'm looking at a picture at Max von Sighto and never about to save it, never again. He's got that, he's got a sick old goatee going here. Oh, that's right. I forgot. He's Blofeld in that movie. Oh, Jesus. So the middle name is Stavro.

Is he Greek? possibly Huh Interesting He's everything You fear O O yes

007 Do you remember When you Spend an extended period of time At my father's house Or whatever

I have to bring it up Every time Yes I hate it It's just so dumb We gorged We gorged ourselves On feta and olives

The thing I fear The most Greek food But so he's like all right, I'm going to kill you, but first, because my friend, what's this gentleman's name? Osato? Osato failed to kill you. I'm going to kill him in front of you.

Like, no, take that gun, shoot Bond first, and then shoot that other guy. He's the threat. Osato is on your side. Yes, I understand you want to murder him. Great. Wait for it. By the way, at this point, Blofeld said his whole plan of like he's going to start off, I mean, maybe we've already mentioned it, the whole war between the, the, the US and the Soviets so that he can

emerge as a new power in the future which I think is a fucking great plan good idea yeah yeah just fucking burn it burn it all down and start over dude why not over the ashes the problem I want to do the problem with the blowfeld ordering the death of Osato is not

that it happens and you know allows bond to get the upper hand the problem is he doesn't take Osata over to his hungry hyena pen and throw him in there and let me watch the fucking you know the blood fly. That's what I want. By the way, Chris, better board game, hungry, hungry hyenas. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's very, you have to have a squib in the middle.

At some point, also, the rocket starts launching off, uh, because the Americans sped up their timeline and launched a rocket like that day. So he's going up, they're trying to go up and and snatch it really quickly. Yeah, but then this is, it's fucking awesome because they're just standing in a hallway and he's like, Mr. Bond, this is the price of failure. And he does the old point the gun at one guy.

Yeah. Take a beat. Then point the gun at Osato and just fucking murder this dude. Yeah. I'm always a fan of that when the villain does that. Well, I couldn't, I couldn't shoot you. You're just so handsome.

I mean, yes, even with the piece. I mean, it's just stunning. and of course this is when Tiger rolls up with all of his modern ninja squad which is fucking awesome and Bond is like

well if I have to watch TV and it's not Handjob Martin can I at least have my cigarettes oh my God yes and he's like yes give him exactly his first of all it's the 1960s everyone's got cigarettes on them if you want to give your

your enemy one last request it could be one of my cigarettes, actually. Exactly. Not one of his own because it might be a cyanide capsule. Who knows? And in this case, a fucking gun. He lights the cigarette and it shoots a bullet into this one random technician. It's pretty awesome. If you're blow felt at this point, haven't you been like, oh no, no, no, not the cigarette. I know what that is. That's a poison dart explosive gun. Really. Right. So why don't you take, why don't you take this cigar? Well, if I, if I must watch television, can I use my special binoculars?

No, you can't. No. No special anything. What about, all right, well, hear me out now. I have to watch this episode of Hand Job Martin, your little monitor here, Blofeld. Could I at least have my lucky pair of shoes? No. How many times it's stop calling them special.

I know what that means. Yes, you keep telling me what time it is, but I only can tell the time on my own special watch. No! I'm bringing it a clock now. She don't believe it. Nope. Sorry. Oh, you know, if I am to die, can I get my own book back? You know, that book that I brought? I assure you it's just a book. Are you sure about that? It's not a special book? It's certainly not a special book. Okay, you just said it like that, so now I know. All right. Yes, I, yes, I've been caught and I'm about to be murdered. That's fine. can I sit in my Aston Martin

just one more time? Well, sure, of course. Why would I ever say no to that? There's so much in this movie. It happens right here when he asked Blofeld for the cigarettes. But it also happens like two or three other times in the movie.

For 1967, especially this was weird, lots of smoking will kill you talk. Yes, yeah. A lot of, because he's like, oh, yes, you can have your cigarettes, Mr. Bond. it will not be the cigarettes that kill you, of course. And then, like, there's another time earlier where it's like, oh, smoking, huh? You know that's bad on your lungs or something?

It's bad for, I think they say bad for your chest specifically or something like that. In 1967, cancer was first discovered. Yes, that's true. They were like, whoa. Hot topic. Yeah. Whoa. Let's work this into the script.

Cancer. I will say it's weird to be hearing this, like, when Jeffrey Weingant was like probably like 10 when this came out. Yeah, so whatever. It's just a big, it's a big fight here. It's fucking great. There is the hilarious, like, the one heavy who is with Blowfeld,

this guy who does nothing in this movie. Is it in Hans or something? Yeah, such a disappointing heavy. Like, he fights Bond for two seconds, and then they're in Blowfeld's apartment, and he just, Bond in like less than a minute knocks this guy into the pool. There is the great, as this guy's being torn apart by piranhas, he's like, Bon Appetit.

Paranas. I hope you have a nice meal. Paranas. Yeah, but I was expecting more from this character and it just never happened. Yeah, you want him to jump up and also maybe, you know, get, I don't know, hook hand or something or, you know. Some flavor. Yeah, make him like some kind of a freak or like something that stands out. I mean, shit, we're coming off of just having watched Goldfinger

with fucking odd job and that hat. Better movie. Similarly with Osato as well, you kind of want him to have something, like x-ray specs or something. Like, I know he's got that little x-ray thing on his desk, but that's not enough for me. Osada's just a dude. He's just a guy.

I don't know. But that's why it's very confusing about the Osato character, though, Eric. Like, you're right. He is just a guy, but like because you don't even see Blofeld to like 75, minutes into this movie yeah and like so like your your whole mind is placed at like well okay so osato's this villain and you're right like but there's just nothing about like you got to give that guy something too because he does actually have a rad delivery to number 11 after that hilarious fake meeting that bond has about buying all the chemicals because he's just immediately like kill him and I was like oh shit

this guy's got that ice cold delivery day he's got no charisma and no hook to his character but I guess maybe that place of the, the idea of the banality of evil. I think just some dude. Right. I think it's just being unfair to Hans here. He has a black shirt and a gun. That's, you know, these are big character traits that we all know, digs deep. So it's an amazing ninja raid on this compound.

So much repelling. So many people going over railings. Oh, yeah. And Homer, if you could kill someone your way out, that'd be very helpful to me. yeah totally it's great yeah a dude steve i was trying to get the railing count it's almost out of this world just people just a lot of great great stunt work just getting chucked over it man yeah and all the ropes falling down like it's a it's a great little moment and again like it's so rat i thought about it in this scene and also at the when they're at the the stadium for the sumo

wrestling extras as far as the eye can see like it's all real people people like i just i love the tangibility of these like big crowd scenes it must have been a bitch to direct both of those sequences you know cool cool shit in a movie that is you know plagued with stuff that's not cool which is why it makes you know this whole thing very frustrating but uh whatever bond is able to hit the kill switch and he blows up the shuttle before it can scoop up yet another american ship i do love how the americans uh the american government is like all right we're to send another fucking ship up there. Okay.

Sir, there's another ship behind it. Oh, my, okay. You know, ready the nukes. I am so I am fucking, I've had it up to here with our ships being ready to doaks. Let's end the world right now. Look, look, we lost one. The Russians lost one. Somebody else has got to send the next one up.

Somebody fucking call the Italians. What are you going to do? Throw up some pizza dough in the air to get into orbit. but yes and then like once it once it explodes like all right

you know what I guess we'll stay in the nukes down the world will continue to spin because that ship was very expensive and I would have been

really pissed if it got gobbled up again well yep now we've averted nuclear disaster get back to doing what you were originally up there to do

astronauts which was I don't know that other dude had like a tuning fork in space at one point or whatever dumbass experiment you were doing well never

never again to know what the effects of ants on tiny screws in space will be. That's right. Exactly. Yeah, so there's a hilarious, like, uh-oh, Blofeld's still alive, and he

runs out and sneakily, like, hits the self-destruct to blow up the whole compound. Right, yeah. Which is pretty awesome. And now he's more like Blow fled. Because he's leaving. Bond does. Bond does get him with a, what do you call it there?

a ninja star in the arm, doesn't he? Yeah, he gets out of there. Yeah, he gets micked a little bit. Oh, man. That's going to ruin his tennis game. Yeah. Well, it's hard enough for him to play tennis

because he's fucking holding the cat the whole time on the court. He's not going to be doing much fun with Hanjob Martin with that merchant that ninja star. Nope, blow felt put down the cat before he. Oh, he strangled another cat. Okay. Okay, get him a new cat.

He strangled another one on the tennis. court he's been doing this all day when he's leaving there's a moment where the cat is on the ground and it just disappears I think you presume that it went into this tunnel first but the cat just disappears

at one point in this movie I don't know man like I just you know I'm taking my fucking cat to the vet takes all fucking day getting a cat on a fucking raft I don't know man yeah how that's going to work no I think I think Blofeld's just going to the pet store Well, you see, I had to hit self-destruct on my volcano layer, and unfortunately, Mittens was also self-destructed.

Well, no, that rotten son of a bitch, James Bond, I blame that James Bond. I picked this breed, especially because, I mean, they fuck ravenously, so it's really an overpopulation thing, and I just, I can get as many as I want. I think I'll name my new cat, Michael! Oh, that would be awesome. Yeah, so, you know, pretty cool move here again. Tiger Tanaka always prepared for the aftermath of battle as well. There's a bunch of choppers that come in and they dump like little life rafts all into the water so all the guys getting out can get on a raft. And of course, Mr. Bond, you know, he's got to get into the raft with Kissy.

And again, it's just like, now how about? to that honeymoon. Like, fucking let it go. And she's like in her head, she's like, I really wish like something would rise up

from the depths of the ocean and nearly capsize this vessel so I don't have to fuck this guy. And wouldn't you know it? It's like being at work at like one time, you know, you're out for,

for drinks and you go like, you know, let me get a double scotch. And so it's like, hey man, double scotch. And then for the rest of your career, it's like double scotch

over here. I'm like, dude, leave it alone. It happened once. Yes, we were fake married. We never had a honeymoon. Move on from it. Yeah, dude, the whole, like, refusing to let the bad joke

die. Exactly. Or what they, people, like, people at work start thinking they know your drink. Like, oh, yeah, you're a Sam Adams winter ale guy, even in August. Man, that's fucking madness. Those fucking

phony relationships. You get get into at offices and work. It's me spinning. Oh, here we go. Any, any new thoughts on office potlucks, my chance? No, no, just, if you want to hear more on that, check out our unfortunate episode on Texas Chainsawbasker 2 on Patreon. Well, 007, I'm glad you've come here for the office potluck. What have you brung?

Yes, sir, yes, everyone in the order of offices made various puddings of some sort. And by that, I mean, different kinds of food. I've prepared mine while watching Han Job Martin. I decided on top of bringing napkins to this potluck. I'd also bring the entertainment. Yes, it is the first season of Han John Martin on DVD. You know, for the first five years, I always said I'll bring chips and soda. And everyone got mad at me because it's like, why, everyone was just contributing more.

And then when I make something, and it's done doing a handjob martin fest people get angry look i'm sorry that nobody likes my mother's recipe for rat meat pie oh god that's english food that's the charles dickens special oh i another rat meat pie wow look at them eating rat meat pie like they're the king and queen I know eventually and I really am knocking wood here that eventually we will get across the pond and do a show at England

we will get booed off the stage Oh that's fine Yeah, it's exciting As long as you buy the ticket Yeah so you buy the ticket first And then boo us off the stage Also yeah but make it a loud booing I don't want to this like half measure stuff

Uh uh full throated shred your vocal cords and boo me Yes destroy your life Yes only then will I take your boo well to prevent the potential ruining of a future tour date let me just say that when we go there we will also be sampling many of the fine foods at the restaurants and liquors at the bars that you have yeah oh we call those pubs dude right right right i'm ingratiating myself to the english audience you're getting it already i will you know on a serious note i would love to go and do a tour in the UK, and I think you guys

are cool. So whatever, this movie's over with, this fucking submarine from the beginning of the movie launches up, and it's like, now Money Penny, get Mr. Bond down here for a debriefing immediately. And it's like, whew, dodge that bullet, kissy.

Does it this end? So Money Penny is below, and Emma's like, why don't you go and get Bond down here, finally? You know, finally we fixed this so that we can open the hatch above water. which is nice. It's a new thing we're trying now. Actually, and like I kind of was like, Money Penny is going to go up there and

007 is going to try to do an on submarine threesome. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. This is like a real challenge to him. I think this is like bucketless stuff. Because he's been on the mile high club, but has he been the 3,000 leagues under the sea club. He has not. See, I think this is, you know, in a loophole for that because it's not technically underwater, but he is on a submarine technically. See, but the problem is it can never be Moneypenny that's involved in that threesome

because she is forever the Edna Crabopal, like, eternally alone, you know. Oh, yes, Money Penny, why don't you watch? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, and then, you know, that's it. The correct title card does come up. Bond will return in Honor Majesty's Secret Service, which is cool. Good movie.

Just with the, with the lays, lazy, lays and be in instead. I love that movie. But what about this one? Parting shots, would anybody recommend this movie? Steve, we'll start with you. I would not, even though I think there's some really great cinematography and some really cool action sequences. I mean, and again, like the racial stuff is just kind of abhorrent, not kind of, pretty important. Even if you could contextualize it for the 60s, it's still not great.

But at the same time, like, I just was kind of really bored. but the boring outweighed the excitement for me aside from all the racial stuff it really did it's a no for me Connery seems mostly bored not nearly enough pleasance and like we've kind of said you want one or two like really memorable henchmen you do not get them

totally Chris Cabin I would say no for me I do like a completest it makes sense to watch this because it does hold a certain stylistically this like Andrew was pointing out earlier like it does really

a lot of this is what happens to the parodies any attempt to make a version of this they usually echo the kind of style that's in this movie but I also I found it very boring I like Donald Pleasance but again you don't get much of them

you know one of the 70 cats he killed it's nice to see that cat but you know it's worth seeing for if you're getting through the Bond series but as one no Eric, I will lightly recommend this movie. I do like some of these action set pieces. It's quaint, it's fun.

I mean, the racist and misogynistic stuff is up the wazoo, obviously. And if you're a completeist, I do think that all the Sean Connery bonds are worth seeing at least once. So it's a light recommend for me, but with a reservation on that, you know, like obviously there's problems with it. Yeah, I mean, that's where I am.

I mean, I said this on our Goldfinger episode. I'm a huge Bond fan. You know, yeah, this shit now, looking back on it, it's a fucking minefield when you're watching these movies. So it's always a proceed with caution kind of a thing. I didn't find it like as sleepy as some of you guys did. Actually, this was another one that I did get to when I started my since-stalled rewatch of all the movies that I kicked into gear.

two months ago. It played better for me this time. I don't know why but I don't know. Like I go back and forth with these ones but yes obviously for complete his sake you're going to watch it you know but to Chris's point too if you want something if you're unfamiliar with Bond and you want something that's like very close

to what pop culture makes fun of about these movies like this is a great one because like the pool is very deep with those references that people have pulled mainly Mike Myers but you know a lot of places Hank Scorpio and so on. But yeah Anyway, I'd recommend it.

That's it for You Only Live Twice from 1967, directed by Lewis Gilbert. Like we mentioned, of course, we do have another Bond episode coming out very soon. It is on Goldfinger. It's the WLM on our Patreon, patreon.com slash we hate movies. What won't be appearing on patreon.com slash we hate movies, of course, is our virtual live show happening.

If you are listening to this on the week, it comes out, this Friday, which is April 9th, 9 p.m. Eastern, on location live.com slash WHM, or you can also get tickets from our website. It'll direct you to that URL I just said. 9 p.m. Eastern, like we said,

we're talking Rambo Last Blood. Never again will this be broadcast or downloadable anywhere than from this Friday through the following week you can download it. So definitely get those tickets. It's going to be so much fun. Steve, you are working on a special

VHS trailer game for the show I am indeed hopefully eBay gives me a tape that has some trailers on it if not I will find I'll go to the depths of the internet I've been working closely with Steve on getting this VHC tape as I've been

trying to help him he's getting those tapes from you isn't he you're sending him the tape I've changed my name legally to eBay oh god you know now some idiot's going to be in my fucking Instagram comments about it no a beloved listener, I love you.

That's also a code word in this movie. Yeah, that's the password, dude. That's right. But yes, we are, we are stoked to release another brand new month of exclusive Patreon content. Last month was a real banger with the Snyder sessions and the enter the Ninja Manterry, of course.

But this, this month, big, big news, Steve Sadek, what is it? I'm so excited. once in a lifetime inaugural episode guys right and what movie are we talking about for that first lifetime movie coverage besides what we've done on the main feed in the past it's the eric roberts tour de force stalked by my doctor it's it's a creepy fun time it's it's the first of many stalked by my doctors that'll appear on that feed because i think there's at least three of those movies and he will do eric roberts in all of them oh yeah dude he's the doctor oh he's stalking dude

but I'm saying like for them sequels and whatnot, he is still the titan the doctor? I mean, look, dude, my man's got bills. That's why he's in any of these movies. Fair enough. So look for that, of course, on patreon.com slash we hate movies later this month. Now, Sean Gone Month

does continue here on the main feed, of course. Steve, which Connery classic are we talking about next week? I'm really excited to see this way. I never have Zhaaj. Oh, yeah, dude. I've never seen it either. Oh, man. All I know is he wears a, he wears a diaper in. He does indeed.

I greened out to this at some point. I barely remember. Maybe it was with you, Chris. I believe so. I think so. A lot of a horny gun worshippers. Get ready for it. Yes. Oh, excellent. Love it. So until next week with Jada. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Siddak. Siska, Eric.

Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.