We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 545 - Stargate

Episode Date: May 4, 2021

On this week's episode, the gang is chatting about the gateway-crossing sci-fi flick, Stargate! Could they have trimmed Russell's hair any more high and any more tight? Why did those people attend Spader's lecture just to heckle him? And how cool would it be to have the Wheezin' the Juice Guy as your father-in-law? PLUS: Russell Rules! Stargate stars Kurt Russell, James Spader, Jaye Davidson, Viveca Lindfors, Alexis Cruz, Mili Avital, Leon Rippy, John Diehl, French Stewart, Djimon Hounsou, Richard Kind, and Erick "Wheezin' the Juice Guy" Avari; directed by Roland Emmerich. Check out WHM at FRQNCY in June! Catch WHM on tour this fall, hopefully! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, wow, I did not see this one spawning a massive franchise. It's Stargate. I'm Andrew Jupin. Oh, no, yeah, we're done with that. Stephen Sadek. Eric, Cisca. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning into our fine program, as always. If you are listening to us for the first time because you love Stargate, this is a comedy show where we We take movies such a Stargate and just kind of talk about them and, you know, mine some comedic jabs out of these plots this week, like we've said, is Stargate from 1994 directed by the great Roland Emmerich. Oh, hold the fuck on with that. What? Great, great Roland Emmerich. Dude, you make one of my all-time guilty pleasure faves Independence Day. You're the great.

Okay. You're the great. You know, and Chris, I think this movie is actually a little underrated, but maybe that's. It's my nostalgia of glasses. I don't know. Early Emmerich is fine, I guess. But like once an anonymous, once you hit anonymous, I feel like it's all, it's a wash. One day anonymous.

One day. That's the one that's about like the guy, the whole Shakespeare fraudulent thing. He was the guy that was Shakespeare. Oh, yeah. Look, only a rich person could write like that. You do not understand. Only rich people could be good. To your point, Chris, I will say that, you know, like our theory on the Friday the 13th franchise, right,

and how it should have never left the 80s, like Roland Emmerich never should have been making movies outside of the 1990s. I feel like that maybe is the nice gauge for his filmography. We should have known when Godzilla hit, like, honestly, once that happens, you should have all been like, nope, okay, back off. But like, Godzilla's kind of a guilty pleasure for me, even though, you know, we see her in previous. I mean, it's awful, but it's sort of like, it's sort of like, it's. of its time, and it's such a blockbuster. Wow, it had a hot sauce, a Taco Bell. Exactly, that it just sort of like,

I can see myself getting caught watching that on the sci-fi channel if it was on. Oh, absolutely. Are they recycling those hot sauce formulas? Like, is the Godzilla one just the same as the Congo one? That's a great question, absolutely. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, and, you know, the thing that's unfortunate is, you know, as a lifelong Taco Bell fan.

I can't recall the last time I saw his specialty hot sauce. Well, that's the thing. I think that Taco Bell, really, if they want to, you know, swap up, you get a little bit more cash. Why don't you put out those special sauces? People are nostalgic as fuck. They'll put anything in their body. So just like the Congo hot sauce, the Godzilla hot sauce.

Put it all back out as like a specialty bottle. You could get more people to take the hot sauce tie in than the COVID vaccine. I just inject it right in. Guys, didn't they do a tie-in hot sauce for the father? Wasn't there... Oh, right. Yeah. The sit in the room in scream sauce.

Yeah, they forgot to put it out. Ooh, that's awesome. I really, really like that joke. Now, okay, so I just wanted to get... So counting today's episode, Stargate, which I agree with Eric is a totally underrated movie. Previous episodes. Now, I'm thinking here, this was a commentary, Independence Day,

but then previous episode, Godzilla, previous episode, The Day After Tomorrow, previous episode 2012, previous episode Independence Day Resurgence. We have yet to get to White House down. We will, though. I think it's all future episodes or past episodes. Yes.

Yeah, I think that's it. Like his filmography, with relation to this show and our, you know, episode listing is kind of like just time fluid. Like we've already done them all. We've never done them. We will do them. And we have done them.

Right. And we are dead and we are alive. Simultaneously. This is how time works, people. I'm looking ahead here on Mr. Emmerich's Philography. No date for it just announced something called Stargate. an archaeologist and a group of Marines

discovered a portal to another world director Roland Emmerich writers Jack A. Woods and Nicholas Wright and star only one star someone named Brad Archie who doesn't

who doesn't really have a real filmography here I guess it's a remake or either is he going to remake his own movie or just a sequel it has to be a sequel right this was originally intended to be a trilogy

based off of this movie and then they decided not to do that and went with creating what became Stargate SG1 with Richard Dean Anderson and then, you know, the long-running franchise just kind of went from there. I'm very happy that Robert Carlyle has that paycheck.

Which one was he on it? He was on Atlantis, wasn't he? Yes, but like that thing ran for, all of them ran for fucking ever. Yeah, I think only the most recent one only went from like 2009 to 2011, but in 2011, we were still making Stargate television. That is insane to me.

Like, I loved this movie. I saw this movie in the theaters when it came out. I was like Ground Zero for Stargate fandom. And even I was just like, okay, so same concept were worse actors. Yeah. More television censorship, commercial. I know, I'm okay. I think, yeah, like, obviously you're not going to get him, but like replacing Kurt

Russell with Richard Dean Anderson, like on the outside, I get it. Like, as far as in the looks department and everything. But in the acting department, I mean, I love you, McGiver, but you are no Kurt Russell, my friend. But Richard Dean Anderson is TV's Kurt Russell. Yes, he is. Yes, that's a good call. Yep, that makes sense to me. Like, if they were going to do a big trouble and little China series, which they would never do because they'd be killed.

But, like, if they were to do it, I think Richard Dean Anderson would be the natural pick. Can I tell you that I, uh, that I had, I was at a family function, family party. something something someone's boyfriend like a distant relative's boyfriend okay me and him were just knocking back up here there's a pool table like hey I don't play pool he's like hey jibura you

would you talk about TV I'm a nerd I like this show I like that show is like dude you watch Stargate and I'm like oh no you know I never did an hour an hour of my life was this guy pitching me Stargate walking me through all of the characters

and all of the ups and downs and whatever else No, child. I don't know what kind of royalties this guy was going to get, but it was just he was there. It was like, have you heard about the word? You know what I mean? He was trying to make a convert out of me.

It did not work. People who are into that show, they function like that. There's some type of signal that's secretly embedded in the broadcasts. Because the fandom is nuts. You'll never meet one. You could spend your whole life without meeting a Stargate person, but then suddenly you're inundated with this. this army of Stargate people.

I mean, it's, it's wild. I mean, Steve, you met a fucking unicorn, man. I can't even believe it. Well, that was the thing. My jaw was dropped because I was just like, all right, so no, you not just, I mean, again, like, it's fine to like stuff. I was just sort of like, so you like that,

but you love that show. Okay, you love that show. Can I, you, you want to live in that show, it would see. Hey, can I just, I'm having my mind blown right now because of course now I'm just like IMDB rabbit hauling everything and also one, just a quick correction.

Robert Carlyle was on the one Stargate Universe. I don't see him on the Stargate Atlantis. What was Atlantis? Was that like there's fish people out there? We're going to fish land. Well, funny. You should say fish people, dude, because this is my

big mind-blowing moment right here. A major I want to check the episode count first, but yes, let's do it. Let's do it. Yep, 78 episodes out of 99 episodes of Stargate Atlantis, starring one Jason Mamoa. That's right. Wow, I'm having my mind blown today.

This is unbelievable. He's the one that got out, man. You know, every show has one. He's the one. Robert Carly was going to be in Atlantis, but every episode he just started stripping as soon as they called. Action! And he's just like, da, da, da da da da da da da da da da. Hollywood raccoon, Robert Carlyle.

That dude is going through your garbage. Yep, absolutely. And of course you would strip because it's Atlantis. Get in the pool, everyone. You don't have to skinny dip every time, Robert. Oh, man. So the OG property here, Stargate, like we have mentioned, starring, of course, the great Kurt Russell, starring also, of course, the great James Spader.

Yes, he's really good in this movie. I think so, too, yeah. He is, but it's weird to watch Spader play this kind of a character, this sort of like nice and plucky side. I keep, because it's Spader, and I keep waiting for him to get shifty. You know what I mean? Yes, that's a good call. I do not trust Spader for a side.

I love Spader, but I don't trust him. Both Spader and Russell are against type because, like, Russell has no. anima like he's just like total military archetype there's no humor to him like yes i i i'm expecting swinging dick kurt russell and this is just like tight and cut not uh not a ton of one liners here

you know rarely do you see him playing like a suicidal depressed person which is his character in this movie uh or spader is dr daniel jackson and then kurt russell is uh colonel jonathan uh whatever the fucking guy He does. Jonathan Jack O'Neill is his character. Yeah, no, it is very weird to see them playing against type of this.

Although I will say my first, from what I can recall, my first two exposures to James Spader are films in the same year because it was this and way long ago previous episode, Wolf, where he is playing a shifty motherfucker. Exactly. Of course he is. it's kind of a downturn for both of them right i mean like career wise yeah into the early 90s i mean with russell was tombstone i mean that was a huge tombstone is 93 yeah and then that's and then stargate then it's oh actually it's the beginning of his downturn because it's stargate then executive decision then escape from l a breakdown soldier 3 000 miles to graceland vanilla vanilla I mean, it is heading

downwards, you know, this and then into executive decision, but then it just fucking goes all the way up for escape from L.A. And then goes right back down. Famously heralded escape from L.A. We are trying to bring back that movie, Steve. We are trying to have a re-appraisal

of John Carpenter's Escape from L.A. I just re-watched it last night. It fucking kicks ass. Also, breakdown is a great movie. Oh, yeah. Never saw it. We should say, speaking of speaking of escape from movies we're doing Escape from New York on our Patreon this month. That's right. That's right. We love

movies. A great episode we just we laid down on escape from New York. So guys, it's a little bit of a mini Russell rules this month. Yeah, little Russell rules, little twins, little two, two rustles we got running around here. So I like Stargate, but I'll knock it for two things.

I think the music score is really self-serious and it kind of doesn't work for me and I feel like why do we need a flashback as an opening to 1928 my note on the music score is it's grand sweeping and wholly inappropriate it's just absolutely nuts

that's the thing is there's like a part of this movie that thinks it's Lawrence of Arabia and I'm like you're really fucking not yeah well let me ask you guys this because my note it's it's great that the score was brought up Eric because I was racking my brain the entire time has that score

or at least like the main melody that builds this score has been used somewhere else I think it's trailer music and that makes sense certain scenarios okay okay yeah because like the whole movie and even Chelsea said it she was in the other room working when I watched it and then she came out and she was like

what was that song from and I was like it's the score to Stargate but I swear we've heard it elsewhere so yeah maybe trailer music is the best bet there uh yeah i agree with york this apparently and there's a director's cut somewhere you you can fucking miss me with that shit uh that has more of this uh flashback because the character of the woman little girl who turns into the woman that like funds this thing is totally undeveloped and is gone 25 minutes into the movie and it i mean like obviously the pendant is important but that's it yeah yeah this uh so katherine langford is the character played as an

adult by Vivica Lindfors who you guys may remember in a couple places she's the

fucking nasty ass aunt in the she's Aunt Bedelia in the birthday

segment of creep show okay but yeah where's my birthday

cake and also she's even creepier as the fucked up nurse in Exorcist

3 oh yes also also I just went to her IMDB she was in

the Hand, the Michael Cain movie. Oh, is she really? About previous episode. Isn't she also the queen in the Adventures of Don Juan, Eric? Yep, the Errol Flynn movie. Your favorite man. He's dashing, Chris, and I liked a lot of his movies.

I don't really remember the particulars of this one, but I've definitely seen it at some point. But yeah, so she's like a little girl. So, like, her dad is doing this excavation in Egypt. And here's my question is, like, it looks like. she buys this pendant she grabs this pendant from like a pedlar but yeah she ripped it off yeah she doesn't pay right nope nope that was one of my notes i was like this little white girl just stole this fucking medallion from this like you know bizarre shopkeep here but it's hi hi i own

this now and my dad owns you yeah yeah because we're digging all this fucking shit out we're taking it back to england america whatever the fuck i mean yeah indian Jones could walk through this scene without missing a beat. So could Max von Sino, dude, looking for fucking Pizzouzoo. Oh, no, I found this Stargate. Shit. Oh, don't you want to let me not discipline your child, a little bit. Little girl, little girl that costs money.

Look, I am just here at this dig site in Giza, Egypt, looking for the Pazuzu statue. and I see this spoiled little brat stealing from an innocent shopkeep. Oh, what's that? Oh, your daddy found a Stargate. Well, I see that, and I see that the devil is alive and well. Toss me the Stargate. I toss you the girl. Yeah, dude, Alfred Molina rolls up.

Eric, you're right. This movie is, I mean, this is Emmerich's bag, especially good Emmerich, is it's just he lifts whole cloth from Spielberg, Luke. and just loves it. This movie is Indiana Jones meet Star Wars a little bit. Just a little bit. And it's also a dry run

for Independence Day at parts. Like all those like the opening Stargate scenes, those feel like Independence Day like nobody's business. Oh yeah. I mean, I can't find the dude's name now, but I'm sure it's the same model team, you know, that put all the Independence Day ships together

and all that. Like you can just look at it And it, I mean, but I appreciate that this movie, especially because it's, you know, early 90s such as it is, the temptation, I feel, was really real to cheap out and use bad early 90s CGI for a lot of the shit. And the model work in this movie is awesome. And it's aided with the use of shadows and stuff. Same with Independence Day. It's like, it's more chilling for, you know, everything to go dark because this thing is above you than necessarily show it immediately. Yes, I agree with that. There's a real B-movie energy to it, but it's made by a major studio, so it has all the trimmings of a bigger movie.

Yes. If that B-Movie score, it would be better. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, could you imagine one of the new Fast and the Furious movies having the... Dun, da-da-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-ha-ha. Yeah, like, it just, it doesn't work. And, yeah, if you gave this more of a funny enough,

just like a carpenter-esque, like, like some sort of like synth beat kind of score I feel the atmosphere would change you know for the better

because the tone is adventure and the the movie itself is more sci-fi action yeah right yeah that's exactly what it is yeah it sounds like an adventure movie but it looks walks and talks

like a sci-fi movie yeah I love so we meet Spader in the future or in the present rather And it's this, it's that of great Lisa Simpson's joke, which is, why would they come to our concert just to boo us? Like, everyone goes to his lecture to give him shit and like huff and puff and puff and walk out on it. Why would you get up on a Saturday to do that? I was expecting Ed Harris to be in the audience and be like, no, my family actually found the pyramid.

Oh, man. You're totally right. This is a jam-packed auditorium. And Spader is giving this lecture. like all right everybody the thesis of today's lecture is aliens influenced human development uh you know hundreds of thousands of years ago what a thousands of years ago and like it immediately starts with the heckling which leads to a group mass exodus simultaneous mass exodus like way to clear a room with your crazy theories buddy i'm not even sure if he really said like

not until somebody brings it up, does he really say maybe it was aliens? Before that, he's just like, I don't know something. Hi, everybody. I don't know anything about this. It's a mystery that I don't have an answer to. Questions? Isn't it something like everything is older than you think or whatever? Yeah, that's right. And like, but it is like, well, who did it, Mr. Dr. Jackson? And he's like, well, I don't know. And it's just, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, but my favorite. But my favorite note about this is in a minute we find out that he was evicted from his house before this if that happens I'm not

going to my talk I'm probably going to a gutter is what I'm going to. There might be like a check involved at the end of this talk potentially you take that right to the fucking liquor store. I guess so. Dude, I sincerely hope he got a fucking guarantee on this deal to speak of this

lecture and not like a, the majority of the audience has to stay for the entire time. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have to cancel dinner with you guys tomorrow. I have to go to a lecture to heckle my professional rival. Oh, right. You've been looking forward to that. Yeah.

My Egyptologist nemesis will be in town. I have to get out of bed. Fucking put on his suit. Pretend that I like him and then fucking really stick it to him. I love the look at the guy that starts it all off. He looks like academic Santa Claus. Just like giving him fucking shit. And then like the thing is you can see in real time this audience turn on him because like academic Santa Claus leans in immediately with the shit talking and then like kind of ends it with some sort of quip which leads to the rest of the auditorium to just start laughing and then like it's just infectious and no one takes him seriously after that.

God damn it's humiliating. He needed to put down that first heckler really aggressively and totally shut him up and make an example. lot of them. No, no, absolutely. Honey, listen, I have to miss brunch with your mother because I have to go make fun of a homeless man. He's speaking at the library. I don't know what it's about, but I have to do it. Give me a fingernails. Gotta go heckle this free library talk. When he talks to the older lady there and he gets into the car and these Air Force officers are with her and he's just like, uh, we'll, no, no, we'll take care of your bag, sir. And I always like,

they're going to put them in the trunk or they're going to go wait with them under the awning and there's a shot later when they reveal that he's been evicted and stuff and all he has is in these two bags and we get a shot of the bags just in the pouring stinking rain these army guys or whatever air force guys are just letting it soak it's like i couldn't believe that that's when i as a as as as a child lost all respect for the troops don't don't worry sir they will not be stolen. We are just making sure they will not be stolen. No one's going to, no one's going to steal totally

soaked through garbage. Yeah, it's a pretty big storm we're in the middle of, yeah, and this lady brings him in is like, you know, you have to come to do this thing for me, and he's like, I'm busy, he's like, you're evicted from your apartment. What

do you have to do? Hey, hobo. You're on a free meal? Totally, fucking three hots and a cot to come translate some hieroglyphics for me, homeless person. Like, god damn. They really turn the screws to this guy. Well, I'm not sure if I can go with you.

You know, I just got $20 from the library and all the leftover entomans I can handle. Oh, man. Chocolate covered donuts for all. Is the insinuation here, like, it's maybe he's getting divorced or something, or is it like he just keeps getting heckled on this ancient aliens tour? I think he's like, he's, I think he's presented like, he's just too smart for everything. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. And then we cut to, which is an interesting, an interesting departure. We get a weird cut to Kurt Russell's life, which is actually the next episode of 9-0-2-0 after Scott kills himself. That's about right. This insanity house he's living in and like just stoically sitting on his son's bed all day long, caressing a fucking gun while the wife is just like

I wish he would turn it on me and finish just finish off the whole fucking family totally dude she's been washing the same dish repeatedly for a week and a half yeah I was making fun of the tight thing but this grief hair he has I like it is really wild I don't know

I don't know what the length is I don't really know what the color is even well yeah I mean the color is the problem he's like blonde in this movie which is like what If the Tribune trivia is to be believed, this was the request of Kurt Russell himself because he said like he wanted to kind of stand out in some way. I feel like he and his kids were just playing Street Fighter. Yeah.

You know, he saw what's his face's hair there? Gile. Gile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just like, I don't know. Give me the gile. Yeah. Looks all right.

Well, maybe he saw that James Spader was also going to have longish blonde hair. So it's just like, well, I get that too at the start. right yeah which spader's hair in this film is something that has always stayed with me like i didn't remember a lot about this movie had been a really really long time since i'd rewatched it but i was like oh there's that flowing flowing james spader hair that you don't see too often you don't gone yeah and now it's long gone yes i i do love i was i guess why he's so upset um Kurt Russell is, I mean, aside from his obviously leaving his gun

unattended and resulting in his kid accidentally killing himself is that kid was the youngest player for the New York Mats and it was really sad Yeah. This was the weird dark turn for rookie of the year. I saw

that picture. I saw that picture of him in the Mets jersey and I did write in my notes doomed from the start. He was probably really stressed by playing in the pros. You know, there's a lot riding on those games and he got depressed and shot himself.

You got Daniel Stern in your ear all the time. No, that's true. Yep. God damn. You know, it's a cool not a cool idea. I mean, you know, obviously like leaving the lesson of not leaving your guns unattended and not having guns in the house

is a good one for this movie maybe too much. But sure. You know, like it's just, it might it'd be too much because later on guns are great guns really help out it's this weird thing again with the music every 90s blockbuster had to be like serious in some way and then i guess it also gives kurt russell literally any character to hang a hat on yeah that's yeah that's very true because it's like yeah he's empty without like that's the only thing it's about like when the when the kids and the other planet

play with his gun, he flips out. It's like gives him motivation to do that, I guess, but do we need any of it? I mean, I think it's totally fine, and I actually thought it played kind of nice and like, because otherwise, like, there's not really much of a character for Kurt Russell, so like it gives him something, but what you don't need, and it is I think one of the biggest laughs of the movie is So two Air Force dudes come to the house and the wife is like, well, what's left of him is in there.

You go try to talk to him. Smoking cigarettes in the kitchen. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. So, like, they go in and they're like, hey, motherfucker, you've been reactivated. Talk to you later and leave. And this is what you don't need. These two motherfuckers get back in the car.

I love it. And the guy is just like, Jesus, he's fucking out of it. How do he get like that? and the other guy, not missing a beat whilst like turning over the motor to this car is like, ah, his kid died. Didn't you read the military newsletter? Yeah, he died.

Shot himself right in the head. And he shot himself with a service weapon, yeah. And Kurt Russell's like, it shouldn't have been like this. It shouldn't have been this way. He should have gotten old enough to shoot his classmates first. Oh, man, I should have got old enough to go fucking die in the Middle East for no reason. Oh, yeah.

That was a popular. option when we were growing up now now little jack junior my gun is not a toy but it's i keep it in the toy room because my study is very dusty and i don't want it to get dusty so i just keep it in the toy room right next to your toy guns the the the heavy one is the real one the plastic one you could play around with it but the heavy one do not fuck with that one i mean i haven't looked at these for a while, but they really do look identical. Wow, this toy company did a great job.

I mean, look. Nerf technology has really gotten off. Oh, look, there's a little red dot at the bottom of the toy one. Okay, so every time, just look for the little red dot on the bottom of that one. That's the, that's the fake one, not the real one. The fake one, not the real one with the

dot. But remember, when you turn the safety off the real gun, there will also be a little red dot under that, but don't do that. That's a different red dot. Don't worried about that red dot yeah i uh it's funny they look so similar i actually brought the toy gun to war once i mean and here i am trying trying to try to shoot a russian with a yeah you know we took you put a little you know mask over the guy and put the fucking you know gun up to his head i was about to shoot him in the prison and that just some squirt some little water on his head that was it

unbelievable improvised i invented waterboarding that day all the guys are the jail got a big laugh out of it though we were we were talking about it over dinner for weeks um so yeah so spader you know is brought to this secret military compound no real uh establishing shots here we don't really know where they are um this is where he meets back up with this uh or yeah the the old lady there uh and a couple of other scientists including beloved character actor uh richard kind love them oh yeah uh who's just you know briefly in this movie. Not a lot of Richard kind in this movie, but so

they have been there. Hello, I'm doing everything wrong. Hey, I'm very terrible at my job. If you can even believe it, I'm about to be totally humiliated by James Spader. Hello, James Spader. Could you correct me? Could you just, I'm just going to sit here. Could you correct

everything I say? Thank you. I saw one time on the Upper West side and then I got a flash of, like my eyes perked because I recognized him and he saw that. And he gave me, like, this response with his eyes. It was like, not today, fat, so. Yeah.

Backed right off. I just lost out on the new Taken movie. Don't talk to me. Oh, dude, Taken with Richard Kine. I would love it. All right, honey, listen. Listen, honey, could you just hold on for a second. Honey, please listen to me.

Honey, they're going to take you. Yeah, jokes on you guys, because I have a very specific set of skills. And I will. Talk your ear off on a pay phone call for minutes. Honey, call out of the distinguishing marks. Is there a coffee stain maybe? Does he have a receipt from film forum in his pocket? Do you smell tuna fish?

You know what? Whoever you are, I'm going to tell you what. I'm going to kill you. Oh, my God. I fucking wish. I know. Better movie. But yeah.

It's kind of this hilarious thing where, you know, Spader shows up and they have, you know, he sees, it's not the Stargate, but it's like tablets that are foretelling of the Stargate. They're trying to translate it. There's a big chalkboard. And like, and I asked my wife, who's much smarter than me. I brought her into the other room, my consultant, Jen. I was just sort of like, this is impossible, right? So, yeah, there's no way you could just look at like hieroglyphs without any context whatsoever and be like, no, it's this, it's that. And actually, this word, it's the one.

This symbol, it's the one, it's a one word called Stargate, which is not a word. You know what I mean? Like, it's just, you just can't come in and just do this. So she would boo him. She would boo him at the conference. Yeah, she would be one of the people who would boo him. Jen is very smart, but she's not homeless smart. So she might not know what he knows.

Yeah, he's just trying to survive here. He's just like, okay, yeah, I know everything. Let's skip this up. Oh, we're going to another planet. I got nothing here. Yeah, oh, yeah, I could totally do that. As long as he gets me away from the tax man. He's pulling a total Joseph Smith right here.

Like, oh, no, actually, this means you give me money and I have a direct link with God. Just follow me to the other end of the galaxy where they've never heard of the tax man. The symbols are aligned. The portal opens up. He's like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, wow, wow.

Wow. wow how did that work all right guess I'm going to some other planet by the way when that does happen the pool like the water visuals of that thing is pretty cool and I was surprised no one wore

a life preserver while walking for it yeah floaties they have floaties on their arms yeah I mean maybe it's a thing where maybe Richard kind is the con man here and like he's completely full of shit and spader walks in and he's like this is fucking week one

Egyptology hieroglyphics so what are you thought no that's not fucking milkman that's Stargate what's one of the first things you learn oh actually he's kidding he's kidding I'm running a grift would you mind could you mind get into my grift another drifters

came into my work today trying to steal my thunder look I know that you seem to be happy losing your house but I am not so you know I have to do some things to keep my house I would really appreciate it if you took your bindle and all your wet garbage and went and found another team of military rubs, okay? This is mine.

I called dibs on these robs. I got the Air Force. Why don't you go check out the Army? I'll buy your sandwich. Look, the military is full of idiots. The CIA is also full of idiots. So why don't you just go over there? Go scam the Coast Guard, okay?

Yeah, they're looking for Atlantis. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, look, you know, we get some, it's almost like I am such a sucker for this kind of movie. like the were transcribing symbols to something something. I kind of almost wish this is the whole movie.

You know what I mean? Like I just love puttering around looking at symbol. You know, maybe some stuff comes in from the other side. It gets creepy and scary or something. I will say, you know,

as impossible as maybe the chalkboard stuff is, it's exciting. The fake science stuff and how it's all set up. And then you get Kurt Russell walking in like now with like this, this haircut. You could set your watch to

oh, definitely. saying like, I'm here in case you succeed. That's a great line. That's a great line. It is. No, yeah. Like, ooh, the movie. I totally agree with you there. I'm here in case a movie happens.

Look, you do your little studies, but in the event of a movie breaking out, that's what I'm here for. So far, this is just a very, very interesting short. In a way, you know, I do kind of like how it is sort of two movies, right?

Like the movie, once we go through the Stargate, the movie leaves this movie behind and another movie starts. I do appreciate that there's no like radio contact between the two sides. As much as I love Richard Kind, it's kind of cool that it's not like, all right, James Spada, can you hear me on the other side or what?

Are you there? Kurt Russell, hello. I was, you know, none of that. I was kind of hoping for that. Not just that, but by the way, this is my first time seeing it last night. Uh-huh. I was kind of hoping for your,

that or maybe it's like we need to bring them back you know what i mean like that just like there's other because i just love this crap like fake bullshit where you're like looking at papers and deducing fake riddles and shit i'm a suck yeah and you know it does it kind of it sets up almost like you could communicate to the other side but it doesn't really make sense because they send in this robot and the robots sending photos back and shit and it's like how does that work oh yeah that's right. The robot sends back like a five minute or a five second video of itself

like looking around or something. I kept expecting this robot to come back. Like you know what I mean? Like oh in this in on the Stargate side that they now worship the robot as a god or something like you know, that'd be kind of cool. Oh hell

this robot. Get your own grift asshole. Why don't you try that shit with the army? I'm a God, you prick. Take your bindle and wet garbage and get out of here. Throw him back through the Stargate. Oh, I have all of these beautiful ladies. Jell, please, there God, the robot.

Get sucking. That's right. Caress my buttons. Caress my levers. It's a robot in a flowing robe with a crown. Feed me, Greg. no that's too many I do love though how

they don't in any way bother to explain to you how the Stargate is now hooked up to a computer system no not at all which is which is like fine because that would necessitate like this old lady or Richard kind or that other old lady that's on the team like going through some expository jibber jabber that, like, would not matter in the slightest.

Like, we're, we're in 1994, it's fucking hooked up to a computer, whatever. I see a bunch of wires around the Stargate. That's good enough. I understand it. Yeah, you figured out how to plug it in, cool. The fact that, like, it takes it, it takes it to the point where James Spader gets there to figure out that these are constellations on the device as well when Orion is a pretty recognizable, uh, constellation.

And he has to even recognize it off a security guard's newspaper. which is oh this the issue of universe today that this guy is reading so so wait you're telling me that the stars have symbols that there's symbols that that's amazing that's incredible do you got to hear what this james spader guy has to say this is but there's something called o'reion oh shit there's symbols in the stars yes one of the guys who you know he has to be there in case it's a movie get one of those military guys you call it a constellation it's interesting interesting He figures that out. Then he has this big boardroom meeting where everyone is ready to heckle him

because he's just got a heckleable face. But then he sort of like assumes that there is a star. Like he kind of, they're like, oh, should we just show him the stargate? And then they like open another door and then oops, there's the star gate. And I like this general West who Kurt Russell reports to this guy with this mustache. It's like, all right. Tell him. Like it's very like super.

movie general guy. Yeah, this guy always played this type, like Leon Rippy, dude. Isn't he from Deadwood? He's on Deadwood among other things. Also worked with Mr. Emmerich on The Patriot.

So, yeah, he's around. He's been around, yeah. Oh, that's a stay tuned. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, definitely. For the cannonball shot alone. I love that shot. Yeah, I do like because Leon Rippy like sort of with his eyes sort of like deflect you know deflects the

comment to Kurt Russell and Kurt Russell just like looks back and like nods like yeah tell him about the Stargate it's fine because they're like oh how does such and such relate to the device and Spader has to be like what device and then it's like open up this garage door to see the fucking Stargate here

and it's kind of cool I mean my fair so like they start he realizes all these things are coordinates and if you punch him in in a certain way it's going to open up the Stargate which is what they've been trying to do I kind of love like they punch out all the coordinates and all this magic shit starts happening

and then Richard Kind gets a call from God knows who yeah uh-huh oh okay you want me to record this okay and he like yeah obviously there's just like it's something like make a recording

of the story like yeah I will set the tape to record us opening up a portal to another world got it oh crap I can't figure out how to start this can carter can someone get over here now it's you're gonna kill me it recorded visually just not sound i don't know how i did it i just i'm sorry uh so yeah the little robot goes in and

oh one of the things that sends back is the atmospheric conditions and stuff i mean it would just make more sense for the robot to go through and come right back yes but is do they give a reason why it doesn't? Well, no, I guess it's only one way, right? Yes, yeah, you have to open the target on the other end, which is what they can't do yet. Right, yeah. But it's just like, you get that

preliminary data where you're like, well, okay, people can go there without helmets. Oh, without helmets. Yeah, exactly. We're going. We solved that narrative problem. Exactly. This is embarrassing, but the robot, we only figured out how to make it go forward.

I can't go backward. I don't. Look, we tried, we put Richard Kahn in charge of it. Maybe that was our mistake. But, uh, yeah. You want a two-way robot. All hail SG-496, the god of moving forward. And always moving forward, forward. And you can call me S-G-1.

Oh, yeah. The name of the robot. Yeah. Uh, so of course, you know, the next logical step is, well, it's a, you know, you know, Stargate equivalent of a class M planet. So that means we can breathe. Let's send some people through. First up, obviously armed military.

You got to get them guns, motherfucker. Let's do it. Get ready to blast some aliens or whatever. The best thing, so they're like, once we get over to the other side, are you sure that you can get us back? Because they find symbols. The robot sends back symbols on the other side.

And they ask spanner, he's like, yeah, 100%. nobody double checks with him no like I know you said 100% but how yeah I mean constellations from our known position on earth is one thing but they're on the other end of the known universe whatever whatever's on that

stargit's not going to make sense whatsoever and he must know that also do you not want to like call the president or like the super general who runs the military like to be like hey look we're going to do this in the next two hours. There's a problem, Chris. Super General is a guy on another movie, and that's a bigger

movie that's happening. I see. That's, yeah, that is a problem. Oh, man, I can't believe nobody told me about the Star Game, opening it up. Oh, baby! Hey, make sure Richard Kahn records it for me. There's no sound on this. Oh, Kand,

you fucked me again, boy. I'm going to get blazed and watch. the Stargate footage. It's only three minutes. After that, it's alien autops. Come on. JFK wanted to put a man on the moon, but I sent a robot through the Stargate, baby.

But yeah, like, Richard Kynne should be like, ah, he's full of shit. There's no possible way he could know that he could get you back. Like that, somebody needs to be a separate meeting without James Spader. Like, what do we know about this guy, really? Yeah, this dude who's been working with us for like three weeks. Meanwhile, like all these other people who have been, like,

they're the real like Stargate family. Like, they've been working on this puzzle for years or something like that. Spader comes in and two weeks solves the whole thing. Instead, the general's like, well, you're on the team. Yeah. You just made the team. Welcome to the movie. Here's an ill-fitting hat.

I hate this hat on him And consequently or conversely I love the beret on Russell So it's like kind of Everybody gets hats Some are some are good and some are bad I love the beret because it's clearly Kurt Russell's business hat

Because like at the end of the movie Like when the adventure is over with He's just like well I'm going to put my business hat back on now To go back to the office again Yeah I haven't put this on since we helped our friends in Guatemala. Yeah, we provided assistance. So this travel

stuff is pretty cool, like a Jupiter Beyond the Infinity kind of vibe here. Yeah, I really like it, man. I think it holds up. It totally holds up. And, like, yeah, the aforementioned water effect when they first, like, turn the Stargate on. But if, you know, to

in fairness to James Spader and this whole, like, I can get us back thing, if I'm doing this, if I'm anybody, I'm assuming I'm dying. I'm going through a portal to another dimension. I'm dying. Just like, do not, just assume that you're going to end your life going through this portal. Exactly, Chris, because this is a hamburger meat team.

They don't care if it comes back or not. And that's also another reason to send Spader because it's like this new drifter guy, doesn't have two nickels to rub together. Yeah, that makes sense. No funeral for that dude. It's also a good reason to send fucking French Stewart through, man. No one's going to miss that guy. I was so flabbergasted by how much French Stewart this movie has.

He keeps not dying. Like every time you think he's dead and out of the movie, he makes it to the end. I'm like, really, French Stewart? Which is insane because now you're making me realize, Steve, there are two instances of this in this film. Because also, in another movie, in a differently structured screenplay, if they were able to radio back and forth, yada, yada, you know Richard Kind is also eating

shit in this movie. Yes. You know what I mean? In some capacity, something would happen, he gets fucking killed. Same with French Stewart. Like, this character should have been cut to ribbons by some dude. Like, Jemann Hansu should have fucking murdered him in the desert, man. Unbelievable he makes it back. I would Richard Kind

die? Like, he's like, I was making a sandwich in the tub, and I was trying to make toast. I was balancing the toaster on my knee, and it just lost it. I mean, it would be a thing where he's

he's like, you know, doing some maintenance in front of the Stargate portal. Right. And, you know, he's like, oh, what's that? It smells like toast in there. I wonder if a diner's on the other side of this. And like, he sticks his face close to it and then like a couple a pair big, like, alien hands

come through and grab him and like, but they only pull the head through the Stargate and his head gets ripped off. That's cool. By the way, did you guys have the cut with the head? Yeah. Yeah. The head.

I didn't remember that. That was new to me. I was like, oh, really? There's that severed head in this? Yeah, dude. If I can see up that dude's esophagus. It's pretty wild. It's pretty dope.

I like, some spaders, like, having trouble breathing. And some other guy, some military guys, like, don't worry, man, it'll pass. I'm like, I don't know. Do you know that? What are you an old hand at the Stargate? Like what? Yeah. And now you other army guys say, whoa, what a rush.

That's a good trailer line. Let's all work on our trailer on life. You are now in a movie. We are the embedded military movie unit. Yeah, don't worry. It'll pass soon as the eyes start bleeding. Exactly. I mean, I think he just means because Spader hesitates,

like the rest of them go through and Spader like kind of appreciates the experience for a second. So maybe like that time passing is like a few more minutes or something because I think he's just he's saying like, we all came through the other side wanting to vomit, but that wave of nausea or whatever. passes. Like they've already accomplished it. I will say the portal graphics. I don't think portal graphics got better until Interstellar. This was really good, I thought. Yes. Yeah. The rush through the other side. This actually felt really like thrilling.

It's great. Like when he puts his face through and you see just his face and like the music changes over. Yeah. We're right about to take the journey. Yeah, that's pretty red. Um, so immediately Spader's like, well you know, yeah, I said I could get us back, but what I meant was I'm going to have to do a bunch of research first and kind of figure

out what we're doing here. But don't worry, I brought enough Fifth Avenue bars for everyone. Dude, Fifth Avenue bars. Butterfingers for people without hope left. I mean, I think did every other candy say no?

Probably. I don't even think I've ever seen a full length 5th Avenue bar in the wild like oh i've seen those are just like variety packs with the minis you know what i mean like you get the you get the small kit cat the whatever the right the good bar etc and there's a and the fifth avenue bars are the last ones left on Halloween because no one took them right now i have seen the full the full sizers in the wild steve but like you know you are correct it is candy for the hopeless yeah it's that and a watchamacall it oh don't even start man i love watcha mccull it's what it oh oh oh oh oh

Okay, we need to station a movie person here. A military officer needs to be with us in case a candy movie breaks out. I was almost, you know what I'm going to say this. I was almost refused service because I, as a kid, went to the same deli and got three watcher McCullets in one day. And the third time I went back, the lady was like, you sure you want another one? oh man you've had enough

exactly let me ask you something kid is this a prank or something yeah are you fucking with me but why didn't you buy them all at once I didn't think I wanted them all but I kept you know going back reading more comic books

drinking a lot more soda I'd be like you know pretty cool right now another one to call it dude that is like the alien that discovers like it's like E.T. in the Reese's pieces You're just like, ooh, a piece of candy.

Look at that. You see, you give him the first what you might call it free. And then he just keeps on coming back. That's right. The weird thing also about French Stewart being in this movie that is just completely laughable is like he's supposed to be a tough guy. Yes. What the fuck? Come on.

He's not doing any comedic role here at all. And he's a tough guy, but it's like. at least the movie knows he's a forgettable tough guy he's just background basically yeah but he's like bullying james spader in this one scene because they're all pissed him about the not instantly being able to go back thing and french stewart like throws that suitcase at him you're on a fucking suicide mission you knew it was a suicide mission you're going through an alien gate to another planet you said we were going to be back by dinner and uh i don't know harry I'm looking around here.

I think we're still stuck on this alien planet. The way to get back faster is to throw the books all down this desert dune. Like, come on, you're making it go slower. Don't bully the one guy that could get you back. And then later when, like, Kurt Russell is looking for him. It was like, what happened to Jackson? He's like, I don't know. It's like, so you want him to die and then you'll truly be fucked.

Is that what you're getting at? Yeah. I mean, that is his whole thing is that he just keeps on doing the stupid thing that Russell has to correct. Yeah. But like you, so wait a minute, you packed tents and food

and all this shit for what was a turnaround mission. Like you were just going to come out and come back in. Why did you pack for all this? It's a great question. I mean, I guess in the eventuality

they couldn't get back, but obviously. In the off chance that a movie does occur here today, we don't know that, we don't know that folks for sure, but we want to have the gear in case the movie does happen.

Look, look. We talked to James Spader, and he gave us the triple double super secret guarantee that you guys are coming back. So we just, you know, figured. All right, look, we're about to go through this Stargate. On the other side of that Stargate, there might, man, there might be a movie over there. We find ourselves embedded in the shit with a movie. You're going to want a tent. You're going to want flares, lanterns, all sorts of supplies.

Sir, are you sure the movie's not over here and we're just the team that dies off camera? Sir! I cannot confirm or deny that soldier. I just know that on the other side of this gateway, there might be a movie. Son, do you think they tell me if there's going to be a movie? It might be a war movie.

It might be a sci-fi movie. You've got to be prepared for these things. God damn, I love the smell of popcorn in the morning. Liquid butter. annihilated entire village, the stuff they put on popcorn. I mean, it's true, actually. If you drop the stuff they put on popcorn on any village,

you would just burn right up. It would. Who'd burn to the floor like alien blood? So, like, you know, as James Spader is trying to, like, pick up all his notes or whatever, he encounters a creature on the planet. This thing looks like if Station from Bill and Ted's Bogus' journey fucked a bison,

you get this creature because it's like I mean it's a puppet and you've got like a little more of a like cartoonishy friendly face than should be on a weird wild animal like this

but I kind of liked it I don't know I mean I had no problem with an alien horse it's fine but it's weird that that's I mean aside from Ra who's an alien

it's weird that's the only alien you get that this is why like I'm not so thrilled with this movie is like it's kind of boring that the entire society is just earth essentially you know yeah they they brought through humans to work on the pyramids over here yeah yeah so that's why there's no aliens right because

it's just raw raw is an interesting character in this like i kind of dig the whole like god emperor thing who wants to live forever for no reason really particular i mean we just like to uh i don't know lay around my abode maybe look at the three moons look pretty sharp I guess I'm just going to do this for literally ever I'm going to do whatever it is I'm doing with this coterie of young children

you know they're just around they're just around no questions asked that's probably for the best does that make the wheeze and the juice guy the fagin of this group then I guess it's a good question I mean the reason the juice guy is like the weird

like head of the the fake legitimate government for this god person yeah i mean i think he's kind of like the mayor or something right and then he you know is kind of tasked with keeping everybody in line as far as like you know ra having banned learning to read and write and things of that nature you know the wheeze and the juice guy is just there to make sure everything's copacetic and they don't get you know death from above which is also something that ra is able to pull off in this movie i love that ra has to like because i mean like we're talking thousands of years that they've been doing this. So Ra

has to like suppress all knowledge. It seems very difficult to do like any and all advance that could have happened within the thousands of years like nope, don't do it. Stop reading. No, no, no, no, don't invent fucking stop it. It's like

it's a little like Zardos. Yes, it is. Kind of yeah. Yeah, I mean if you're in this fucking totally nothing desert like you know, it's kind of easy to sort of keep people in check. Not a lot of resources around and so on, you know. Why don't you quit the draw and two?

It's too close to writing. I don't like that. Why don't you quit out to draw? I need no pictures. No verbal storytelling either. You all shut the fuck up. I don't know what you're going to talk about, but definitely not your shared history. I'm watching your blinks. Okay. I can tell. I can see when you're trying to come in. You know, I know. I'm smart.

And they live just to mine this one magic material that like, I guess, raw spaceships built out of. Also, if you put it next to anything else, that thing will become better because the whole bomb thing towards the end, how Ra is going to potentially destroy the earth because he's got this mineral that would go with the bomb and that would make the explosion a hundred times the magnitude. Oh, also it can maybe resurrect people and this nice coffin he's got. Yeah, I was curious about that. Is that part of the mineral situation? I don't know. Like an alien device that he's got on hand. I guess that's what's kept him alive. They say when they find out he's like,

from some dying world, he's the last of his kind. And he's a pretty cool looking alien. I kind of, like, he'll reverts to it at the end when he gets blowed up. But I kind of wanted one more scene of him just kind of, you get to see this thing in full bloom, but the finger thing means the money. Right. Well, I think, wandering around the apartment or something. I don't have my face on yet. Oh, yeah, there's a knock at the door and then he just transforms into the guy.

Yeah. Well, I think, wasn't there something I read on the Tribune Trivia about there was like another scene where it showed the alien like selecting this guy to be the skin suit? Yes. I think yeah. And I don't know whether or not that was filmed and it's a deleted scene

director's cut situation or what. It is. There's this, it's like back in like 800 BC and a crying game actor comes out. What's the name again? I think it's Jay Davidson. That's right. Jay Davidson comes out from like a hut and just goes up

to the alien spaceship. It's like, hello. yeah oh but it um you don't see the alien at that point though like i choose you yeah it just gets abducted regular alien abduction style oh oh oh oh got it um so yeah so james spader you know looking for all his shit he gets wrapped up in a rope that's tied around this animal the animal drags him through the desert back to they find the the you know village mining outfit camp whatever you want to call it where the civilization lives so we have a lot of like

James Spader as the linguist like trying to figure out how to communicate with these people you know we do right here meet the wheeze and the Jew sky and they're all like very friendly and welcoming like not you know necessarily you know threatening in any way they definitely don't look like dangerous

folks or anything they think that Raw sent them because he's got a necklace from the old lady that has the symbol which was like I guess literally part of Ra's jewelry collection because Ron recognizes later it's like oh shit I fucking dropped this on earth

a thousand years ago looking for this fucking thing crap has anybody seen my necklace has anybody seen my necklace I think I left it in Egypt like an idiot fuck you know and I looked all over the hotel room

I kept saying to myself make sure you got everything make sure you got everything but I was so focused on stealing the towels oh damn it and then you know so the wheeze and the juice guy like they give them something and spader in return is like here's a fucking fifth avenue bar wheeze of the juice guy here's some chocolate like fifth avenue they could not have asked for a better commercial man you're in a big summer blockbuster and your fucking candy bars right up front and wheeze and the juice guy's eating it not too bad weez and the juice guy takes it by this fifth avenue and says fundy way which i'm pretty sure is weez in the juice guy's right juice in their language. That was the subtitle said.

Hey, Cabin, don't you mean buddy way? Yes, come on. Yes. We are obsessed with one scene from Encinoban, ladies and gentlemen. It's a very good scene. It is. Love it. Eric Ivory, we apologize, but you are forever Weez in the Juice guy.

So, yeah, they come upon, you know, the wheeze and the juicy. and they bring them back to the city and that's when they is that when they eat the chicken the chicken lizard well yeah there's a there's a sandstorm they hunker down

base camp has to relocate inside the pyramid I guess it clears up a little bit the sandworms eat the sandstorm and now dinner is served we've got a giant iguana thing I guess like a Yoshi they're eating oh mixed

colonel come in colonel come in yeah this is base camp it seems like the movie has left and we are no longer in it. Confirm? Yeah, that's right. You're the team that has French steward in it

so you are kind of out of this movie. O'Neill, it's the damnedest thing. It seems like the movie is splitting. The movie's happening in splitting at the same time. It's like this movie's got a mind of its own. But yeah, so they all look to space. because weez of the juice guy is sort of like you know motioning for them to eat this food and so spader gives it a shot and he's like it's weird because he's not saying it he doesn't come right out and say like it tastes like chicken because he just keeps going it's chicken it's chicken it's chicken it's delicious it's chicken yeah he gets very horny about the fact that this is chicken tasting and then like to i mean poor weez of the juice guy's got no idea what's going on he's feeding these strangers and then all of a sudden every eating you know this this food it could be like a classic dish of these people james spader just

starts clucking like a chicken and it's like it's not an actual chicken man like look at it it's like a puffy armadillo also you know you're somewhere else now right you are an alien planet you moron and like before i ever do this though the first thing before you know i would want to eat whatever they gave me just to you like he's like you know for the tradition and everything that's spook him or anything like that. But before I take a bite of this thing, I'm looking him dead in the eye and saying, lifting my asshole

and pointing it to me like, toilet. Yeah. Whatever this is, I will eat it. But it's going to cause an emergency. And I need to know. Lifting your asshole and pointing at it saying toilet.

Yeah. Oh, we love toilet in our culture. Oh, toilet. Yeah, toilet. A bunch of these villagers come over and start tossing your salad. Yes, yes. Toilet, toilet.

We all eat toilet every day. Oh, sir, the type of movie is changing and it's turning into a pornographic creature. A really, really hardcore one, actually. Sir, I've never seen anything like it. They're all eating each other's asses over here. We're dressed like Armymen. We better strip. I would love it if that happened.

and it just turned into like the weirdest ass eating pornography like a six million dollar ass eating pornography we haven't gotten to the stargate yet that's this dude's asshole uh this just in for the internet ticker um erikivari wees in the juice guy re uh reprised his role as casuf for like four episodes in stargate sg one no way yeah dude uh he was available how about that that's surprising not that he reprised but that he was available I figured the wheeze and the juice guy's always in demand

I mean he's in everything he really really is yeah so you know spader starts trying to communicate with him because he realizes like oh shit they actually are just sort of speaking like an sort of different version of ancient Egyptian like let's see if I can start

communicating using some hieroglyphs and he starts like drawing in the sand and the wheeze of the juice guy is like absolutely not dude absolutely not no no no none of that you know he wipes it away but then like he's like oh raw said to secret shopper no we're not writing raw we're not writing no no no undercover boss but so like somehow in between like spader trying to write and the sand and the wheeze and the juice guy erasing it the wheeze and the juice guy is like well all right like you know they're representatives of our boss or my boss so you got to treat

this guy right so spader like is taken into this back room where all these old ladies start bathing his feet and everything yeah i'm brushing his hair with with these brushes i wanted to call them toothbrushes but they're not their hair brushes made of teeth i think they might have been the alien horses type of teeth or something but it was uh oh yeah it was unsettling and he's not having it either he's really not having a good time yeah i would like to limit the amount of teeth in my hair in early speaking. Mm-hmm. It's a good one.

I just also don't want a bunch of old ladies bathing me. You know, there's that to consider. And then Kusuf sends in, which I only know this from the IMDB trivia, his daughter, like as an offering to Spader.

And in a very unspader-like move, he turns down sex. I'm like, wait a second, hold on. Hey, hang on. Are you sure that that's James Spader? Not that guy. Sam's Jepater That other actor

He goes to the door And he's just And you know To like I guess leave it And like and we're in the juice guys Like you're gonna make me like kill my daughter now Because she's not good enough for you or whatever Yeah he's like oh no no no no she can come in here

We'll totally have sex and I'm like I'm also like How old is this girl supposed to be? Question mark I you know who knows She looks old She looks old enough but like you know Old enough Exactly what I meant Thank you. I'm going to say it like that next time.

Old enough. I mean, I think she's clearly like conceives oldest child. By the way, James Spader admitted that he did this film for the money as he found the script to be awful. He said, acting for me is a passion, but it's also a job. And I've always approached it as such. I have a certain manual labor view of acting. There's no shame in taking a film because you need some fucking money. Absolutely not.

He's totally right. And he brings it. He's doing it. You know what I mean? Like he's not like rolling his eyes at any point in this movie. And it is kind of weird how close he is to Goldblum's character in Independence. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

And Goldblum, like, Goldblum took that character to the bank. Like that he just started like, you know, Goldblum was just Goldblum at that point, like the fly or whatever. But like after Independence Day, he just started gold blooming around, I feel. Well, that's when you knew he was a distinct flavor. Yes. After that, I think it was, I mean, like, it is good to think like that. I think it's good, like, Spear to be like, yeah, did Stargate for the money? Did Wolf for the money?

Of course, something like Manikin is more of a passion project. He's like the boss, right? Like the nebish mall owner or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the long gestating passion project tough turf. Also, critical care. I've been working on that script for years. Avengers Ultron actually did for the passion of it.

I'm just a huge Ultron fan. I have this Ultron back tattoo. Nice. I also don't like being on screen anymore. Yeah, it's best if you just hear my voice now. Is the Blacklist still on television? I think so. I think it's still going.

Holy Macaroni that show. That's a passion project. It's not about money. I think that show has also maybe outlasted the spinoff that happened from it. Yeah, I think you're right. there was a spin-off? Didn't they give a spin-off to the guy who was like her husband

but then secretly was also an agent? Yep, they did indeed. Never watched a second of blacklist. And not nothing wrong with it. I watched some of it and trust me, you're better off. Yeah, I fell off pretty quickly too. That show is just James Spader and the road to the ninth

house. Yeah, so he decides in a very unspader-like move. does not have sex with this woman, but then, like, she takes him to some underground area where they do, like, it's the cool underground club where you do writing, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's kind of like, I think she, she's sort of like Ariel and the Little Mermaid right here, like she's got this hidden area where there's like some snippets of history. And Spader at this point is able to decipher the hieroglyphics and everything. And so, you know, he's, he gets the story. of, you know, their history.

You made dime bag of reading and writing. You got any reading and writing down there. Look, I just need a dime bag of ink. Okay? Dude, last Saturday, me, Joey, Tommy, we went out. We all wrote our names. Oh, man. Oh, shit, here comes wheeze in the juice guy.

Put that shit down. Put that shit down. Put that shit down. But anyway. You better not be drawing or writing. What winds up happening here while they're doing this investigation is this awesome looking pyramid ship flies in. And all of this model stuff is so great. It flies in. And basically like where the guys came through the Stargate at the beginning of the movie, I guess it's like the parking space for this thing or like the charging dock for it or something.

That's what all pyramids are. they're just they're docks for spaceships yeah and so like this thing just lands right down so it connects in you see all the lights turn back on and everything it's like recharging your electric car and it locks all of our dudes in the forgotten part of the movie french stewart and the rest locks them like inside sort of yeah we now are mr ammerick has has taken from george lucas and stephen spilberg but now it's time to look at riddley scott's paper for a second see what he's got on there maybe a little james cameron too we'll see i got to tell you though man like as revealed uh you know a little bit later in this movie like all of these uh folks that start attacking our soldiers here are just other dudes you know i mean yes they do have weapons that can fire and whoever but so does french stewart and his team these soldiers i have to say are not for shit they're horrible they get taken out immediately because this is the dog food team they're like yeah yeah put them through first the first way they can just die and again like i really thought french

stewart dies here because yeah like this is like it's like and it's pretty it's pretty well shot like you know what you don't know what's going on how these people are being taken apart kind of a thing yeah you can't really you don't get like a super clear view of any of the attackers or anything until the very end like the last shot of the scene you see like a guy look up and it's got the the dog head dude looking down at him or whatever yes yeah pretty cool pretty cool interpretation like having these uh i you know i i like dogheads i would like to wear one i think it's just a good look and the bird people the bird people are pretty sharp too i know these are gods and stuff the the look yeah anubis and horace uh yeah you get jim and hansu uh here only as gmon

way back when he was more model than actors still at this point yeah human hunts who rules i just anytime he pops up i'm like yes yes present presence with a capital p like just immediately i want to watch him i just wish like more people knew what to do with them or like thought to use him in things because like you know because he's in some of them there mc u movies isn't he part of the whole thor world or something guardians of the galaxy because he has the greatest he has the greatest line I'm Starloat. Who?

That's true. Oh, my whole heart. Yeah. That's one of the good ones. I really enjoyed those movies. For sure. Yeah, so we cut back. Kurt Russell's kind of like

sitting around with some of these kids and like the guy who ends up being like the teenage boy surrogate for his dead son. You know, there's a scene. I really like this one moment. Like Kurt Russell's smoking and then like the kid sees it.

picks up the pack of cigarettes and he's like yeah sure have one whatever and the kid has to watch kurt russell to figure out like what you know to do with the cigarette over and it did it remind anyone else of the scene in jaws when roy shite was at the dinner table with the kid and the kids like mimicking him or you mirroring his actions with the hands and everything it's sort of reminded me of that a little bit i thought it was kind of a nice nod you know it's a great tragedy in my life I never got to teach my son how to smoke. Yeah, totally. I was kind of thinking that too.

Like, oh, this is a moment every father should get to have with their son. I'll take it with this kid anyway. I wanted to give him his first Marlboro filterless, but. And it's great. It's like, you know, we're having a good time here. He plays with around the lighter. And then he picks up the guns. Like, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that.

Like, you know, I've learned, listen, I've learned a very important. lesson, children shouldn't have guns unless they have to fight aliens. If they do, then definitely give children guns. But, well, sure. Yeah, the, like, at one point where, like, the rest of the kids have the guns and then we're gearing up for the end, and

he's got another moment of hesitancy of, like, no, no, like, they're kids or whatever. And one of the soldier guys is like, but, sir, they're our child soldiers. Come on. Exactly. I like seeing Kurt Russell care about kids, you guys.

I don't, you know, I don't mind it. I'm looking for stuff to knock here. Kurt Russell, where we care for kids. Kurt Russell, where we care for kids. 1-800, Kurt Russell for kids. Boom-bub-boom-bub-boom-boom. 1-8007 cars for Kurt. Yeah, I think that should be kids for Kirk.

Cars for Kirk. I think that was in used cars. Oh, right. There you go. movie yeah great movie um so yeah he's trying to he's asking around like you know where uh uh what happened to spader or whatever and he's like oh yeah chicken man chicken man where's the chicken man um because spader what's the deal here there's some sort of attack spader is like murdered basically well that's the weirdest part of this movie so like yeah like um everybody gets captured pretty much and then like um they they meet we meet Ra, Ra, really reveals himself here and, like, does the whole cool thing with the helmet. This is the trailer all over it where it comes off, his eyes glow, which is in the last-minute special effect that, because test audiences didn't think he looked alien enough.

So, like, I don't know, what of his eyes? We can't refill anything. I guess I could make his eyes glow green sometimes. I mean, it's not a bad, especially to go away around that audience. thing. I mean, but at the same time, it just goes to show, though, that, like, sometimes when you pack an auditorium with the lowest common denominator, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't know.

How am I supposed to know he's an alien? He don't look like an alien. Like, because the fucking movie told you he's a fucking alien, man. Pay attention. That guy in the pyramid spaceship, that could be the president for all I know. Oh, man, that's definitely not me, Maas. don't glow like that, baby. Oh, man, but you got a little army

of kids there just like Jeff Epstein's place. Well, my eyes do glow but they're red, baby. Oh, yeah. Puff, puff, pass. Hey, Jeff pass that shit. I do, yeah,

but so in this kerfuffle, I think Russell makes a move for one of the things and they're about to shoot him and Spader jumps like, no, no, no, and gets like blasted in the chest by this pretty cool, like, uh, staff gun thing. And this is like just also raw, like kind of pissed off. He realizes that wheeze and the juice guy is probably involved in this and orders this fucking like air strike on the pyramid or from the pyramid like out onto the people and just starts like icing this community, man. I like these little fighter ships they got there.

Remind me a little bit like the Cylon ships. Yes, very much so. yeah it's also i mean you know very much looks like the littler ships that come out of the big ship in independence day it's true once again you know that's that's how we should connect every they should be a part of one cinematic universe like independence day a resurgence should have been like they're back did you know the fucking razz with them man yeah oh man team up they traded the raw um but yeah so spader is assassinated right here and so he all of a sudden you're like Like, oh, well, fuck.

I thought this was a Kurt Russell James Spader joint. Now James Spader's dead, but not for long. He wakes up in this, you know, fucking Reza ghoul, fucking box. The takes these backseat chamber. Yeah. I guess it's Raw showing the power of like, you know, and it's also why he's in a human body because they're so easy to repair, supposedly. But this is where, I mean, this, I know Ra, his great downfall is his hubris, but it's

a bit much where he's like, ah, yes, you were dead and I resurrected you, but now you're going to have to kill all your friends to show how powerful I am. Here's a super gun to do it. It's like, well, I'm just going to use that on you.

We know, Steve, it's been thousands of years since someone came through the Stargate. I think Roz just a little rusty as to how to be like an evil villain. Ross also very old, you know? Total grampy mode here. It's just forgetting shit. Yes, you remind me of my 900,000 great, great, great, great, great grandchildren, James Spader.

Now, Jody, take that gun and kill your friend. I do love the, uh, the public facing, uh, face of raw when he puts on this like human-esque helmet and he looks like the burger king. He kind of does, dude, he kind of does look like the burger king. It's an unsettling fucking helmet. and I don't know what the thing was made out of or whatever but like there were parts of the movie where I was like is this like an animated puppet helmet but it's not but like it just is crafted in such a way that it sort of looks like it's moving

almost well there are see I mean some of the graphics make it look like a move so it might just be like your brain melding it like the graphics but I'm just saying like it's yeah but it's not it's not like an actual animatronic puppet head though no it's just a it's just a mask helmet thing go go forth James Spader and shoot your friends. Your reward will be all the chicken fries in the kingdom.

Oh, oh my god. Chicken fry, chicken fry, chicken fry. Chicken fry. Let's see. Back on earth, I've got no home life or anything. Here I could have unlimited chicken fries. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me, dude. I wouldn't come back either.

Honestly, I would probably turn on the U.S. military and all these rubes that sent me through this target and i'd just be you know you know rule rule with raw for a while maybe and i'd be fucking starting with french stewart dude he's a number one on my two kill list you through that suitcase that me fuck you know because if i would you know because if i stayed with raw and was you know turned on my friends eventually you get into this mode you're comfortable with raw raw ross kind of just used to have and you're around and you know you're fucking and sucking one day why not and uh that's when you get them

you know oh yeah definitely and now you're the new raw yeah exactly no you know when you're getting in a nice fuck sucks sash no one expects a knife so not normally no

but this is where raw also reveals part of his weird plan which is like yes I've tricked out this bomb that Kurt Russell brought through and you know I made some modifications using the minerals from this planet

it will make this bomb 100 times more powerful than it was supposed to be, and guess what motherfucker, I'm going to open the Stargate, send it back to your dumbasses and destroy your planet. We will finally be rid of Richard Kahn. Oh, no!

Why did you just shiver like that, Richard Kind? I don't know. Yeah, see, this one time I might have, you know, skipped town with some of Ra's money, and, you know, he's been after me ever since, honestly. But apparently, yeah, so I love how they're like, All right, so, all right, we had this Stargate thing.

We were working on for years. Some Wonderkin finally figured out how to open it. All right, send him and a bunch of fucking dead meat soldiers and a nuclear bomb. And you know what? If things get tricky, just fucking nuke a planet on the other side of the galaxy. Who cares? Well, I think that wasn't the nuking, like, regardless of what happened? Yes, which is so weird.

Like, just get better nuke it. Like, got to nuke something, I guess. But yeah, that's right. I mean, that is like, it's the American military in a nutshell, dude. It's the fucking, it's the American mindset. Like, here's an unknown thing. Better bring a bunch of guns and fucking destroy it, but I can, before I can learn anything about it, right? And, like, I was thinking the same thing.

It's such an insane notion of like, here is this great discovery that can take us to the other side of the universe almost instantaneously. Better blow it up. You know, oh, man, you think some fucking aliens are going to come through and trample on our free. We don't fucking blow it up. We don't like competition. We could learn. No, no, we don't do that. The L word, we don't do that.

What's that? Who taught you that? Who taught you that? You know, that was supposed to be with the reading and writing. Stop that. It's honestly the most unbelievable part of that Independence Day resurgence because in that movie, and I think it is a cool detail that they, in the years since the first film, humanity, like, took the alien technology. and, like, you know, adapted it into our daily lives and our technology and whatnot. Pretty cool idea.

Definitely would not fucking happen. Oh, you better fucking blow that spaceship to pieces. Yeah, absolutely. Can't have a bunch of fucking cars flying around and curing cancer and all that? You're usually the flying car? What are you, an alien, motherfucker? Raw. I'm going to be ruled over by somebody named Ra.

Yeah, okay. I'm not going to be. Thank you very much. I'm not going to be ruled over by an animal growl. but spader turns on ron a huge shocker it's kind of like at the end of Fahrenheit 451 where they're like okay your life is going to be ruined

now burn your beloved books and he's like I'm gonna burn you like that's you just handed me a fucking I'm in jail I'm about to go to prison for the rest of my life and you handed me a flamethrower got it so thanks for this flamethrower but instead of burning

this book going to burn all of you right. Did anyone order fried sourcrow? Yeah, so he turns on them and at this point, the kids come, they now become the army of child soldiers, they have guns

and they kind of like let them escape basically. And Ross like, curses! How did that fall back on me somehow? Right, and this is because they've all been motivated because Shauri, the woman actually decides like, all right,

fuck this tells the story of where they came from and who they are and all of this stuff and makes them realize like yep they're just descended from Egyptian slaves that this motherfucker took through the Stargate and just forced them to be this mining society so they are more than motivated to break up this public execution they show wheeze and the juice guy like one maybe this is a little later but they show we we's in the juice guy the one of the dead of the guards that are supposedly like gods and it's

dude in the helmet, yeah. Yeah, which is a nice like, you know, Wizard of Oz curtain pullback thing. Like, oh yeah, you think this is a god that's been fucking with us? Look, it's just popular male model, Jumann. He's very attractive, but he won't harm you.

You know, that's actually a good point. Like, this is a good looking fella if they'd say, like, oh, fuck, that's what God looks like, obviously. What are you doing? We're not rebelling. that's what the guy looks like exactly but so yeah they're all going to be executed

and everything we're prepping this like bomb to go through the Stargate I do love this was another great moment so like the the sneak attack scene I love where it's like you know they're all there you think they're all of their like

raw soldiers or whatever and then like these other dudes like in they just look like villagers you know with the cloth over their face or whatever and you know whoops pull that back and one of them is Kurt Russell and I love the how you doing

and then just starts firing. Oh, it's fucking awesome. He's got that. He like winks at somebody at one point and then later. It's the same. It's how you do in wink. Yeah. The wink is right there. It's like you it's like seeing like if Kurt Russell in this movie up until this point is like a turned off Christmas tree right? And it's like you're looking

at it and it's like well it's still this cool Christmas tree. All these ornaments are there and whatnot but then like you power up that Christmas tree. Whoa, now we're talking like this is Kurt. Now he looks like Kurt Russell. You're like, oh, fuck. It's Kurt Russell. He just needed to see blood fly out of people that wasn't his son. And then he's like, oh yeah, I forgot. I love killing actually. I mean, it is sort of, I mean, the part we're skimming over, which is it's fine. It's just sort of like this is when we're kind of like figuring out what our plan's going to be. And Kurt Russell's like, I want to get the

nuke. And I'll nuke the whole planet and we'll die together. And like James Spader's like, um, well all of our sons are dead so obviously we all want to die right he's like um no all of our sons are dead i don't have a son i want to i want to live that moment of heart there there's some line where it's just like well like i want to live your men want to live it's just a shame that you're people want to leave yeah yeah it's just a shame that you're in such a rush to to die or whatever yeah it's a cool it's kind of a good spader line yeah no it definitely works i mean spader is good I'm glad he got another house out of this movie. The decoding of the seventh symbol, by the way,

they had found out all the six consolations to go back with the Stargate, but one was broken off the, and it's the one, the symbol for where they are. And they finally figure it out, and it's just so fucking dumb. It's like you could have figured this out earlier. Because it looks like the other symbol, but with the other moons, because there's more moons. Because the Earth one is the pyramid and a sun above it,

and this one is a pyramid. with three moons above it. And it's like, well, you've been outside. You saw the moons. You saw that it was a little bigger than Star Wars. You know, they had two sons and we have three moons. Look, I'm sorry. I just got evicted.

My brain hasn't been in the right place. Hey, Roland. Hey, bud. Just saw the new Stargate film. Pretty cool. A couple of things, though. Putting Star in your title. Yeah, that's a lawsuit.

Also, I don't know, man, alien planet with multiple moons. Oh, and you say you've got a plucky, young hero with shaggy blonde hair. Hmm, interesting. Oh, is that hero evicted? Because that's what you're going to be if you keep this shit up, Roland. But look at this. You hired Kurt Russell, who I said to get fucked when he auditioned for Hans Solo. Oh, interesting.

is that true? I think he auditioned for it. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm thinking of Indiana Johns. In other case, he would have been fine in either rule. I mean, obviously, Harrison Ford's Harrison Ford, but, you know, Kurt Russell rules, as we say on this very program. Absolutely. So, yeah, we're having a fight here.

Showery in some way gets assassinated in the melee. She gets got, again, by these fucking cool. staff lasers or whatever. And there is this weird, like, it's like an elevator up to the other ship, but it takes forever, and you have to disintegrate yourself to do it. It's like, I don't know, dude, how about a stairwell? Like, you know, like, it just seems a bit too risky to just go up 38 feet. Well, it acts a lot like the fly contraption.

Yes. Except for, like, you saw the fly, right? Exactly. any dust in that thing, you're just going to turn into a monster being. But like, yeah. Well, the aliens that invented this beam technology didn't see

the fly. Eh, they saw it. Anyway, no, but like, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, Ra, every, see, what Ra does is every few years, he sends one of his guys through the Stargate, pick up some videotapes. He stays up to date with cinema, because he knows, he knows one day there might be a movie

happening here. Beams him ready. Beams himself right into a blockbuster he does, picks up some airheads. Yeah, Ra likes to come to Earth every December, just see with the Oscar movies, and then come back. He likes to stay current. Look, if you go, Ra comes down to New York

in December because that's when all those limited release movies, that's when you can see him before the Academy Awards, because a bunch of them, they're not coming out until February, but Ra, Ra knows where to see the movies early. He knows what markets to go to. You should have heard the bullshit made up words, he started screaming

when he heard driving Miss Daisy one. Yeah, I like the idea that Ra would be a cinephile with taste. Yeah. Yeah, like he rents like Amistad and Schindler's list and it's like, whoa, I've missed a lot. Lots been happening back here on Earth. Raw's watching Amistad. He's like, hey, that one actor looks like the guy who works for me.

It's the same. It's just, that's him for real life. He just goes and goes acting sometimes. He comes back and works for Raw. Yeah, he's watching the ceremony. Not so fast. La La Land. Wait, there was a mistake. I just got a note from Ra. It was

Moonlight. Moonlight one. That's correct. Oh, Justin Hurwitz, you're going to be very upset when you're on the stage. That's it. That's the line. laugh, it's great. Oh, yes.

Me and Warren Beatty were childhood friends. That scans. Yeah, he was, Warren Beatty is an ancient Egyptian god. Why not? Don't forget, though, folks,

Fay Dunaway is the one that read that. I know, I know. Which rules. But yeah, so yada, yada, yada, we're fighting anubis because Horace is killed earlier on and that's when they're like,

hey, look, these are regular guys so now it's a new business like I won't fail you raw I'm going to go fight Kurt Russell and that's a cool fight scene while Spader is trying to save Shory's life meanwhile French Stewart and John Deal are having a movie that I'm not

super interested in which is the outside battle I mean because they have these really cool airships but they never know what to do with them in this movie you know what I mean like they just kind of fly around to zap people well there's nothing else you can really do right because you get your you're

your guys on the ground you can't have a dog fight but they do shoot at it doesn't seem to really do anything i was kind of hoping that john deal was going to get in one of those things and start well that's yeah that's what i was going to say dude i feel like roland emrick was watching like the premiere of this movie and was like oh son of a bitch why didn't i put one of them in yeah exactly fuck well next time baby and then that's why the end of independence day happens because you're right these things fly around you never see who's piloting them you never get a look in the cockpit or anything really it's just like they fly they shoot at these folks that not one of them ever gets shot down you know it is kind of a waste but this is when you know it appears as if for a second all is going to be lost but then like whee's and the juice guy runs up to the top of the hill and reveals himself like because before he had been like no we can't fight these gods whatever they're going to destroy us no no no no while the sun goes and helps like lead this rebellion so then here's wheeze and the juice guy with the cavalry here and all these folks like run down the hill we get a fight but like again

we're not seeing too much of this fight the movie's not concerned with this battle really i mean i wouldn't be either french students stewards a part of it i mean come on it's just to show like the greater chaos of the rebellion going on around them kurt russell we kind of focus on around this time when we get a great line when he fights the birdman and defeats him yeah oh yeah give my regards to king tutt asshole And he definite Kurt Russell line, man. And he smashes his hand to do the elevator rings and they come down and cut this dude's head off. I do feel like it's, Kurt Russell gets a script and the line is give my legal regards to King Tut and then he gets a red pen.

That's good. Comma, asshole. And now it's a perfect Kurt Russell line. Yes. Because he's called someone asshole is such a Kurt Russell thing. And I love it. Absolutely, dude. Like, yeah.

escape from L.A. may be his only official writing credit, but you better believe he added that asshole. You know, got that red sharp, you know, Goldie, they had this pink tutline, didn't have asshole at the end of it. Can you believe that shit? Well, you should put asshole in it, Kurt. I know. I know. That's what I told the guy. I told the guy. You should put asshole. Can you believe the, I mean, these guys, Goldie, these guys. So, Kurt, did you get to call him an asshole or not. I did. I did. Honey, I know. Yes. Yes, I did. anyway love you babe love you too yeah how's the pasta coming the best fucking thing in the world is that video of kurt russell that goldie haunt took where he just goes it's my birthday oh yeah oh yeah i'm going with this little kid energy to go to get dinner it's fucking beautiful it's so awesome dude i i have to say you know goldie hawn totally great total legend

I follow her on Instagram specifically because whenever Kurt Russell pops up you're like ooh Kurt Russell I didn't know she was on there I got to follow it oh dude yeah because they had they had they had a great Christmas of course they had a great time

watching the Golden Globes even though Kate Hudson was nominated for that abysmal fucking CEO movie or whatever but you know they still had a big party to support her in the nomination They're just like, they are an adorable fucking family, and I'm here for it at all times. But yeah, dude, Eric, follow her on Instagram because Kurt Russell, he pops out. Guess what?

Already done. Mission accomplished. Asshole. You got to get, you know what? Here it is, and I don't do this. Get Goldie in the MCU. You got Wyatt, you got Kurt. What the fuck's gold?

Get Goldie in there. You're totally right, dude. That's a good call. Yeah, what's some God beings she could play. Exactly. any old any old female god Bing bang boom it's her Like yeah this is this next

Guardian's movie She could be like a spy master In the Black Widow series I mean come out This is easy She could do a bad Russian accent It's Goldie She can do what she wants

Totally Get Goldie in the MCU God damn it It fucking sucks that Kurt Russell eats shit At the end of that second movie Because like I don't know I'd watch a spin off of him and Goldie

Just doing stuff in space Whatever Absolutely yeah going on vacation. It's my birthday. I'm ego. The best planet couple in all the universe. Absolutely, man. Fuck it.

I would like to see those celestial bodies. Get it on. Absolutely. Yeah, this, the fucking head cut here, the head rip or whatever. And you just see like movies so rarely give you the fucking look from underneath a decapitator. head you know because this thing's just on the floor you're seeing up this dude's fucking throat hole man it's kind of unsettling it is um and meanwhile ra has this very vague

power when his guards fail him at one point he does this brain scramble the one of them and then uh when spader brings a shuri up to get healed she's healed uh you know uh raz's had enough and he starts to scramble uh he starts to do a little brain scramble on uh spader Spader's not happening. What's great about that reveal, too, is Roz just up in his apartment, like, kind of command this battle, and suddenly Spader walks through his house. He's like, what? Yes. Yeah, dude, that is kind of a great thing because he's just in the background, like, shuffling quickly to get her, like, into the Razogul sarcophagus or whatever to revive her.

And he's just like, the fuck. Was that James Spater in my house? With his shoes on? What the fuck, dude? You know, old these fucking. rugs are get your feet of sand and everything now thanks there's a fucking mudroom we have

a mudroom scrape and stump don't just you know brush it I mean first of all you never want to be in your own home and have the thought was that just James Spader behind me? Dude that's the last thought you'll ever have exactly right

dude Jack's back oh yeah that was that movie that's a weird movie from the director of Roadhouse I believe. Two James Spaders for the price of one. I gotta watch that. I mean, again, like that's not good. Oh,

even better. Yeah. And that's the James Spader that you, you know, like horny and fucking weird and scary. That is James Spader to a T. Can you imagine those, Steve?

Ultron was kind of horny in that movie, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I need to eventually rewatch those because I remember liking Ultron way more than the Avengers and everyone thinks that's wrong. But I think it's because of the Spade. of fact.

Yeah, I mean, Spader in that movie, man, is kind of all I really remember about that movie. Yeah, oh, well, that's what I was going to say, Steve. Can you imagine, like, the flavor of this Stargate gumbo, if he's playing, like, this character, like his character in

Crash or something. Much different movie. I'm just going to lay on this metal thing for a while. Oh, God, you said, you said you dented this once? Oh, yeah. it would be great if in as he's running around rhodes house elias codius shows up and they just start baking out oh yeah definitely that would rule that would rule it would rule a real fucking school

uh so yeah he how does he escape the brain scramble he used the elevator thing again this elevator thing is very prevalent in the third act uh well it's no the same i think it's the same go isn't it they're like laying on it or something and Kurt Russell activates it and it does kind of like a switcheroo, I think. Yes, it sends the head up and it sends Spader and the lady and the girl to end surey down. The rings are like coming in between Ra and Spader. Like that's what makes him have to pull back, I think. Right, right, right.

And then it's kind of, they're like, oh my God, the nuclear bomb can't be stopped. What are we going to do with it? I'm like, you got the thing right there. Like it's, it is kind of hilarious. Even the movie gets it because they're like, they say, I've got an idea at the same time. Like, of course, it's the only thing you could do. It's nice watching a movie and, like, right at the end of the movie, the movie figures out how to end itself.

Yes. You're like, you're watching it in real time. Like, oh, the movie just figured it out. Good job, movie. It's cute, you know, the action comedy elements, when they land in this. They do. And he pretty much, you know, blowed him up. I mean, I really liked this, the whole visual of this pyramid, like, having,

already left the planet's atmosphere this thing is like in space you know and then the whole column transporter thing like sticking out of the bottom of it and then just the explosion in space like this whole thing looks rad as fucking and you get alien face for a second

going to like fuck I should have locked the elevator door yeah definitely got to do that man fuck that son of a bitch didn't wipe his fucking feet out of the mudroom for no I won't don't see if pulp fiction wins no that's the thing with rise he's been like living that life of leisure for so long he's not prepared for another real conflict no no no no not at all

totally caught with his pants also what the fuck's wrong what what the fuck is wrong with dying raw like what's the big fucking d like you've been alive forever why not die it's a new thing well uh eric they They say that power is awfully addicting. Yeah, but so is death. No one came back to complain. That's absolutely true, Eric. That's a good point. You can't.

So he's blowed up, and it's got to, you know, it's the end of the movie here. And it kind of ends not abruptly, but pretty quickly. Everybody's just kind of, everyone's got their coats on ready to go home. And Spader's like, no, I'm going to hang out here for a while. I can't get laid on Earth, so I'm going to stay here? I think part of it is the housing situation The housing market on earth My God in heaven

Yeah but I can live on this planet You know sleeping with this Shahuri And you know my father-in-law's whee's in the juice guy That's not too shabby I am positive give that If there is a Stargate 2 You come back and Spader is Basically the new raw

And he's just just like He's got that place fucking wired They gotta kill James Spader I like this idea And they said Richard kind as like the nebish scientist to help I'll help, I'll help kill him, I'll help kill him. Yep, you have lost control, Jackson.

Finally, the guy who humiliated me at the start of this whole project is going to get his. Excellent. Let's go. It's Richard Kind with a shotgun. Did anyone else, brown bag of lunch or just me? Has there ever been a movie where Richard Kind

has held a firearm? That would be an interesting good trivia. I'd love it. Probably some home videos with George Clooney. Oh, definitely. Best buds, famous best buds. Totally. You know, I mentioned at the start that this was supposed to be three movies,

I think, and part of the second one was that Spader, like, opens the Stargate and returns to Earth because there was some, like, situation or something. Sure. Yeah, they didn't say whether or not he was, like, the leader of the planet now or anything, but he did return to Earth something, very cocoon, too, if you will. Yeah, good point.

Yeah, so sex vacation, is that the idea? I'm coming back for sex tourism. I'm actually coming back. It's December. I just want to catch some Oscar movies and kind of bolt out of here again. I brought my father-in-law wheeze and the juice guy so he could go to a 7-Eleven

and get a slurpee. No, yeah, even I call him wheezing the juice. He doesn't, no, no, he doesn't mind it. He's cool with it. Yeah, so, like, they, Russell goes back. And this is just a great, like, you know, he, Kurt Russell has the final line of the movie. He just goes, you know, I remember exactly it.

It's like, you know, you know, see you later, Dr. Jackson, or goodbye, Dr. Jackson or whatever it is. And Kurt Russell goes through the Stargate. You see, like, the same transport effect, you know, of Kurt Russell going through. And then, like, he doesn't go through the other side. It just goes to the end, which is like. Man, for a movie like this to not have an obnoxious epilogue of some kind, well done.

I will give it that for sure. It's a nice ending. You're ending on a really cool effect. That's a good idea. Yep. And it's an effect that's also not overused. I feel like that's another, if we were going back and forth through this fucking thing, which is I'm sure the show is like that, you know, because the show I feel is like,

well, this thing's basically like public transportation now. You know, we got multiple Stargates all over the fucking place. and what's like riding the bus yeah exactly it's totally unspecial you know you got multiple episodes of a television show like this is still feels kind of neat it is yeah so and just a big

a big fat the end love it so I'm going to give you guys some options on some of these movies that might have Richard kind holding a gun okay thank you so there's Argo which he is in who is he one of the

Iranian Republican Yes, absolutely. He was the head one of those. He was in Shark Nato 2, which might have a gun. I don't believe he had one in a serious man, but who knows? Garfield, the movie. He's probably got a gun

in that. I'm going to kill that fucking cat. Get over here, Garfield. Eric, I didn't kill my wife. I don't care. Eric, you might know this one. Confessions of a dangerous mind. Oh yeah. That's a good one. I don't remember him with a gun in it. I actually don't remember him in it. So I guess she could revisit. Neither do I. I think that's kind of. Well, here, okay, so here's my, but here is my pick. Santa Paws, too. Yeah, definitely. That's the one I think. I'm going to kill those fucking dogs. Get over here. They've earned it. They took away the one thing I love most, not cute things.

So we got some options there. Folks at home, if you know of a motion picture or a television show where Richard Kind of holding a firearm. Please let us know. But that's Stargate, folks. Recommendations and final thoughts. We'll shoot it over to Stargate first-timer Steve Sadek. It's a light non-recommend for me. It's just sort of like, I like the first movie a lot more than I like the second movie. I feel like

once we get to the new planet, it kind of drags. The ending is fun, but not super exciting. I just feel like there's a lot left on the table here. It's a light non-requent. Recommend. That's where I'm at. Chris Cabin. Recommend. It's a very good hangover movie.

I can see that. That is my number one thing with it. It's also a movie that gets by largely on the model work is really good, but the cast is good. Like, having Kurt Russell and James Spader in this as your guys really does help this. Like, two other actors,

I would have bailed pretty early on, I get the feeling. This one, no, I was, I stuck with it uh it is very rushed towards the end we're trying to like get out of here quick but uh you know i i i've seen this like probably like a dozen times and i'm still like i never like hate it so i give that credit that i've watched that many times i'm not bored by it uh so yeah recommend yeah it's a it's a recommend for me as well a big one uh big fan of the movie i saw it on uh opening night in 96 and 94 yeah dude i remember the part

with like the public opening night i went i went to the bathroom at some point and they and i came back during like the rebellion and i remember walking down the aisle and the feeling was electric the crowd was cheering with it it was crazy um it's it's just it's a fun movie and i do agree with you steve that the first hour or so you feel like there's a there's some magic of the movies there and the rest it becomes like nuts and bolts like we're getting through it but exactly i still i still enjoy it and you know that might be because I'm a Grampy who was able to see movies in the 1990s

yeah I did not see this in the theaters I very specifically remember renting it and I hadn't really seen it since it was though I remember a thing where like that weekend man that tape was watched a couple of times before we had to go back

to you know blockbuster or whatever and return it I had a fucking ball with it I really did i you know i it's non i mean now it's a fucking total huge franchise but at the time it wasn't um so it's nice looking at you know a different kind of thing that's not a fucking star wars or a star track or whatever um but i think the cast is great i mean yeah that fucking score is a huge problem they really should have switched that out it's it is it just it gives the wrong message for you know creates the wrong atmosphere for what this movie is but spader and kurt russellman and fucking

wheeze and the juice guy all in the same movie I mean that's my thesis right there. Your Ocean's 11 yes that is my Ocean's 11 I don't know yeah man it's just I had fun at the movies yesterday everybody and that's that's all right with me man

that's all right never never watch any of them their television programs though I don't know a goddamn thing about any of it no I'm not doing that but I feel like we're just we're always like secretly making Stargate because there's like books and whatnot

the end of this movie actually if you go all the way to the credits it is a fucking medium like medium medium crossover fucking laundry list it's like read the stargate book check out the stargate cd wrong is there any that detail uh james spader's adventures not i not that i'm aware of i could totally be i just don't know if you know of this hit me up on twitter if there's any book about dr daniel jackson i will probably read it because i am a loser yeah when he corners the spice trade uh he really you know that's the good that's when it gets good when he defeats harconin yeah i'm just gonna stop a couple of tweets this he is one of the main characters on the show what but i but i think i think the show though is like also it's like a

pseudo remake of this first story i think like that's how it starts i take it all back if that that role got recast uh fuck that role fuck this yep it did get recast and i remember the guy kind of is a hilarious name. Oh, where is it? Let's see. All right. We've got to do it this way. Sorry. Let's see. Michael Shanks. Yes, Shanks. Michael Shanks. Dude, all right. Shanks for nothing.

Yeah, exactly. I thought I could imagine my beautiful little spader baby. And now I have to think, got a shank face in my face. No, thank you. I don't want that book anymore. Redacted. That is Stargate from 1994, directed by Roland Emmerick. If you want more, we hit movies, of course. check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. We have a we love movies episode up this month. Russell rules

over there as well talking John Carpenter's masterpiece, escape from New York. Yeah, and we still have we're doing Melro 2 and O. On the $10 tier last month we released stocked by my doctor, people loved that. So if you didn't get a chance yet, check that out. Also, the Snyder cut still up there,

four hours of that on that $10 tier. We're just fucking stacking that thing. Oh yeah, man. And the cool thing is with once in a lifetime our lifetime recap show you know it's only every other month to start out this new venture at least

so you have a whole extra month here to catch up on the stock by my doctor episode before we get into whatever the June selection is so you know be sure to check out all the Patreon content there we got a lot of it this month like every month but always on the main

feed here next Tuesday there is another episode just rounding the bend Steve what are we going to be talking about next week. We are going to be talking about the Simpsons movie and it's kind of a really... Oh. We're going to do a little Jetsons to meet the Flintstones here because you've got Bob

Mackey and Henry Gilbert of Talking Simpsons coming on to talk Simpsons. It's going to be really exciting. Now we're the Flintstones in that, right? Because we're like... Yeah, oh, definitely. Okay. Yeah, pigish cave people. Eric, you just scream, bam, bam. I'm eating a rack of ribs right

now. I scream bam, bam. when I'm being intimate. Oh my God. So until next week when hopefully Eric gets intimate, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Bam, bam.

Take it easy. That was a HeadGum podcast.