We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 553 - Jonah Hex

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

On this week's show, the Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza talks to the dead as the guys chat about the completely abysmal comic adaptation, Jonah Hex! How many Maseratis was Malkovich financing when he signed on for this one? How hard were they going for a Wild Wild West-meets-Hell Boy vibe? And why in the world did they invent all the paranormal stuff for this movie when it's not in the comic? PLUS: Michael Shannon becomes commissioner of a post-Civil War carnie wrestling league! Jonah Hex stars Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox, Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett, Tom Wopat, Michael Shannon, Wes Bentley, and Jeffrey "Dead" Morgan; directed by Jimmy Hayward. Catch WHM on tour this fall, hopefully! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program. This one's got to be a fave among them January 6th insurrectionists. It's Jonah Hecks. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Shadek. Eric Siska. Chris Hex. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to the fine program, as always. Thank you for tuning in. That's right. The summer blockbuster extravaganza hits a new low. This is Jonah Hex from 2010. by Jimmy Hayward director of such feature films as Horton Here's Who Freebirds, which was I guess some

Owen Wilson Turkey movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this motherfucker was like an animator at Pixar, did Monster Zing, Toy Story 2, Toy Story, Nemo, Buck's Life. The thing to hone in on here is that it's a Neville Dean and Taylor script written by, yes. And I think they

were originally going to direct it. There were, there was creative differences. There were. By the way, Chris, you could have just said it was a bad script. Yeah, that's also true. Those are the guys who gave the world the crank franchise. God, what's that other one? The Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance.

Were they gamer? They are gamer. That's bad. That's also... Have they ever crossed past with a vengeful Liam Mason in a movie? I don't think so. That's surprising. You know, one time I fantasized about being in a Nevelteen and Taylor movie

where I killed a bunch of black guys. So I had to tell the whole world about it. I was just walking down the street looking for any Neville Deans or tailors I could find. I actually took the crank drug. I had a heart attack immediately. Died right on the spot. Also, interesting bit of trivia here.

Executive producer, Matt LeBlanc. Really? The Matt LeBlanc. And so I told Chelsea about this last night and she got to the internet and looked up what the deal was apparently he dream project? No, no, exact opposite actually.

He was... He thought he was buying a house and then I was like, no, actually you're the producer of Jonah Hex. I mean, a little bit. Like, so he, when he got Joey, the long-lived Joey's sitcom,

a spinoff of friends, he struck like some production deal with Warner Brothers. And part of that was like, he had to make it was just like a development deal so he had to make uh like a production company and so he was like getting all these projects and like not really interested in it because it was a lot of like he wasn't going to act in things so he just he was like I'm an actor I don't have any interest in this and at that time they started developing this movie years go by yeah and then he

gets a call and this is like his production company had folded by this point like totally shuddered and he like gets a call and they're like hey So there's Jonah Hex movies going and because you're still listed as like a rights holder and a producer, like you're getting a little money from this. And he was like, all right. How you doing? How are you doing residual check? How much money? Well, enough to buy a bike. If your kid needs it. I mean, it's not a lot. Just quick question. If this movie loses money, I don't lose money. I just want to be really clear about that. That's why I never made it. It's not. It's going to lose money. Did you guys notice the over. the Warner Brothers logo? You got a little... Bow wow, wow. Dude, it's a little old west. Stupid city.

I think they also tried... They were doing like jangly old, like saloon. Yeah. It sounds like it's backwards and wrong. Yes, it looks like it sounds like, yeah, someone just flipped the entire thing. Like when we do the We Love Movies theme song.

Immediate problem. I don't think they say the word Sasparilla in this movie. That's a real problem. Real big problem for me. A off the bad. Now, Josh Brolin's accent in this movie, it's kind of like if Larry the Cable Guy

was approaching dramatic roles. Hey, coo. Is it, I mean, it's pretty much the same as no country, maybe a little gris. I feel like it's a little. Well, he's got a hole in his mouth. Yeah. Look, Josh, I'm not going to tell you not to talk,

but I want you to talk in a way that makes it clear you do not want to talk at all. So just, maybe it's because the script's so bad, but I just, zero in on it as being so silly and stupid. We're in no country for old men. By the way, a previous

Patreon episode. Very good one by the way. Oh yeah. In that movie, it works because it feels like that's the world. This is just cartoony garbage. The Cohen brothers, Jonah Hex, would be something else. I really think I could get into that. Well, Joe X would

like die in the first reel and then you'd have to like sort of figure out the rest of me. He accidentally did it himself. Played by John Polito or something. he's like running and he falls and his gun goes off and kills him. John Taturro is Jonah Hex. Now this is a DC comic book

property and so the interesting thing and this is like this is shocking information here because like the whole movie really revolves around what they do with this one thing all of the shit of like him talking to the dead. Yep. Not in the comic book.

No, I mean he's just he's just an old west guy that like you know got i mean he he's in with native americans so he's a little bit like of a tracker kind of a dude so he has no superpowers zero superpowers and then they were making the movie they were like give this guy's superpower so they stole from hellboy which is talking to the dead they stole from the crow which is all the crow shit they stole from from constantine which is like hey man if you're when you get to hell people are going to have a party like yeah all of these other is known throughout him previous comic book movies they stole from and just crammed into this concept that doesn't really warrant it.

He's not even like a mortal? No, not at all. He's literally a cowboy with a hole in his face. That's why when our dear Patreon subscribers tune in to our animation damnation this month, we're doing the DC showcase thing or a part of it anyway. We're doing the Jonah Hex short. That short is way more close to the comic book

than this movie actually is. I wonder like, you really have to wonder what Neville, Dean, and Taylor were like, just no he's stupid stupid if he could just shoot you know what it would be fucking great because I really miss my grandma right now if he could talk to

the dead man you think the guys who made crank are doing that yeah it's a real snorting free basing situation we've got to make it cool but I mean that shows you the problem here they should have made this like Clint Eastwood should have directed this

it should have been a regular it should have been a regular regular western And instead they just put on like Comic book movie sheen. Well, that's the problem with this. I mean, and I'm going to guess it's going to be the problem with Shang Chi as well, which is like the whole point,

this came out in the 70s because of Western movies. You know what I mean? Like it's like the comic came out in the West. You know, it's like kids wanted to live Western movies. Here's a common, but go live it. But then to make that into a movie, it's kind of like straining coffee twice. And then you put like a comic book hat on it,

which I think Shang Chi's the same thing. where it's like, oh, cool, Kung Fu movies are enormous. Here's a comic book. Now it's 40 years later. Let's fucking make it into a movie. But now it's going to be a Marvel movie as opposed to like a cool kung fu movie. So is he a dude that also there's not really a power situation? I don't know enough about shang-chi, but I just, at the very least, like, it's about, like, if you look at

those comics, he was drawn to look like Bruce Lee very much on purpose. And like, he fuck shit up. You know what I mean? And like, this is going to be, it's going to have some sort of Thanos ring in it or something. I'm going to guarantee you that guy is definitely punching a blue wave or ray is coming with it as well

something's happening with it. Sonic boom. But I mean, you're right, Eric, that this would be totally fine. Like, this doesn't have the texture of a Western, it really should. You know what I mean? Like, slow, like someone rides into town,

yada, yada, yada. You never really even understand the geography. No. And that is like, what are you doing not filming the Great American Landscape if you're set in this time period

with a fucking cowboy? Eric, you were right on the money. Eastwood. It's Warner Brothers for crying out loud. Totally. From Steve's description of the comic book and how that originated, it sounded like someone watched Outlaw Josie Wells. Wales? Wales. Wales. Yeah, exactly. You're capitalizing on that stuff. And that makes a ton of sense. It should have been an Eastwood thing.

Yes. I don't do comic books. Oh, wait a minute. But he's got a cool hole in his face. no it's just got to be a big hole I don't want any like nonsense up there a big hole is there a way for him to use slurs against Asian people whilst on a horse you mean definitely okay cool

oh Clint you ask this every time and every time it's go ahead it's not him though really the slurs are coming out of the hole the other hole haunted hole I like this idea it's like how to get ahead in advertising I can't really control it

It just talks the way it wants to talk, okay? The other vibe that this movie gets off, which is a straight F plus right here, is fucking Wild Wild West. Yes. That idea of like, yeah, we're in civil war times, but there's like technology that shouldn't exist.

Because this like nation killer weapon that Malkovich is working towards with this movie, what are we fucking talking about? It's like they shoot a bunch. It's like they're big cannon balls and then there's a little dead. nation ball, a little hot ball. And that makes sort of a nuclear attack?

Yes. Yeah. You have to lay out some of this because all we're told is that... Eli Whitney. Yeah, dude, Eli Whitney, the Cotton Jin's own Eli Whitney invented this nation killer weapon. That was a last minute Wikipedia, like, who invented something? See, that's because all these movies, like, they have to be so big. I mean, it's on my mind because the 4K's coming out, the Indiana Jones series. Looking right over there, fella.

Very nice. But he's not like ending World War II. You know, you could have Jonah Hex kill a bunch of dudes, take out like a, like an ironclad ship or something. Sure. And that's enough, guys. That's the movie. Somebody kidnaps a whole town and, uh-oh, we got to bring Jonah Hex in to do something, something. See, but all of this would take away, it's one saving grace. 81 fucking minutes of just go. Just don't fucking care about making any sense or making any impression. on the audience. Yeah, but here's the thing, though. This is the, this is what I call a deal with the devil runtime. Yeah. Because yes, 81 minutes, it's exquisite on, on its face. But when you're watching this movie, you can tell it's total troubled productionville. They scrapped together whatever they could. You can still smell the glue coming off the fucking, you know, the film cuts. Well, apparently Francis Lawrence came in and did a lot of reshoots to, which makes it time of this dude. Who's that thing? Has three directors. Yes. Francis Lawrence is, who's the dude? He did. He did. He did one of the Hunger Games. Oh, yes. Okay. On Dark City.

He's the fucking, um... He did the one that they finally eat. Yes, that is true. The eating game. Hunger Games, Thanksgiving. Oh, cool fucking parody movie you just thought up. Uh, no, he did, um, Francis Lars, did he also direct Pleasantville?

Maybe. Probably. Yeah, that movie fucking sucks shit. Nope, that's not us, folks. That's something's wrong with your headset. No, that's my head because I think. I think I was talking about Alex Proyo. Somebody said, Pleasantville.

I will say, this thing starts. So Turnbull, Malcovich. Gary Ross directed Pleasant. Oh, Gary Ross. Apologies to Mr. Lawrence. He, but he wrote on the Hunger Games, though. So maybe that's where your mind was. Oh, okay. Gotcha.

So, yeah, I mean, if we opened, we're learning that Jonah Hacks, it was a Confederate soldier. Absolutely was. Oh, yeah. Well, we were, you're fixing to do something good. You think it's good. But then it turns out it's bad, all right? Okay, no, it's cool now, all right?

It's cool. I'll keep the coat, though, right? Yeah, lost cause, man, cool stuff. We're not going to depict any of the horrors or anything. You're just going to know it was bad. Just to let you know, war took to me real well. And I killed a lot of union people and probably civilians. And you'll notice I love burning down houses.

I can figure that out in the war. it is I mean the beginning is such a muddled mess I mean like thank God when he finally just like does the bounty scene I'm like okay now I have a ground to sit on because like yeah it's just like his narration and I'm not even sure what's happening and then he's just tried to across and I'm like wait what did I miss and he's tied to so Malkovich is Turnbull the villain of the movie

right his his best friend's dad his former best friend's my best friend's dad Hey, Mr. Turnbull, isn't it cool if me and Jeb play Sega Genesis until 11.30 tonight? Me and Jeb, we're going to go out prostituting. Would you mind if you... Mr. Turnbull, you're trying to seduce me. Why, yes, I am. Mr. Turnbull, could we go to the Old West Windies after this movie? Yeah, all right. No one is getting Frosties.

Thank you, Mr. Turnbull. Frosty's in nap time. Ice and mud Yeah, he's Malcovich barely doing a Southern accent in this movie He has never cared less I would I define

And I've seen him care Yeah Not a lot That dude likes a paycheck And good for him You know what I mean He's got his Oscar He's got his whatever else

Sure Was that for Malcovich No I think was it Maybe in the line of fire Or Dangerous Liaisons Now we gotta find it out I'm pretty sure he has one Oscar I'm pretty sure

Did you just say that John Malcovage was in Portrait of a Lady on Fire? No, portrait of a lady. Oh, I don't know what that is. He painted it, actually. Oh, I see. I mean, the funny thing about this is, like, Turnbull's like, you killed my son. I know it was accidental, but I got to kill your whole family.

And I'm like, Turnbull, it's the Wild West. Just wait. They're going to die anyway. It's a kid and a wife. They're going to die. You could just, like, poison, put a dead rat in their well. And guess what? Game over.

Yeah, I mean, that kid's got a 41%. percent chance of survival anyways. Yeah. Eric from the ticker. Yeah, okay, so he is not won an Oscar. Oh, what? He was nominated for In the Line of Fire and for places in the heart.

And then he was nominated for Golden Globes. Oh, a lot of Golden Globes. Some prime time Emmys. Yeah, all right, but I mean, he's definitely like a guy that either cares or doesn't care but likes money because he's also like a fashion dude. Like he just, he's got his fingers

in a lot of pies. He's got his own interests and that's great. He does foreign movies. He's a very interesting guy. But like he definitely put more energy into that Super Bowl like pre-show thing he did two years ago than any of this. What was that now? I don't even remember. He's in Rome

and he's like lost. He's supposed to be doing the intro and like he's on the phone with the people and he's like, I'll just do it here. Can you believe it? It's the Ravens and who gives a fuck. I don't know. I don't remember Super Bowls. That's right. It's me, John Malcovich. I love the Super Bowl. always been a big fan of the Super Bowl.

Yeah, when I think of the NFL, I'm thinking John Malkovich every time. I'm going to be pounded beers and watching football with John motherfucking Malkovich. And you can tell that's in his brain too, because I'm pretty sure he's doing Malkovich yelling in there. Yeah. I'll eat the wings whenever the fuck I want. I can't find

my balls. Stupid. Fucking city. Also, the thing, the character design that he's got here, it harkens back to goddamn Wild Wild West again because he's got this like long curly hair. He looks like himself and whatever them fucking Musketeer movies

he was in. Oh, yeah. But that's the hair that Kenneth Branagh has in that goddamn Wild Wild Wild West. And he's got a fake nose too going on a little bit. You know what? It's a fake nose that looks like it was ripped directly from a Gerard Depardue Halloween costume. But why? Excellent question.

Yeah. I think they're trying to make him look comic booky or something. It's like dirtier. Oh, yeah. Oh, fantastic. Thank you. Great. I can't smell in this thing. Awesome. Turnbull, don't you kill my daughter. She's going to like breathe air in two months

and die anyway. Just from that. But yeah, they burn his little house. Michael Fosbender is here too. The Malkovich line of like this is what I hate. One thing I hate about this movie is like he says like you betrayed your men and murdered my son. You took everything that I

loved. Beat. Look to camera. Jonah X. man. We're saying Jonah Hex a lot. Way too much. Kind of also shocked to learn that Hex is the family name. Yeah. Right? You know. You think he's just cursed to walk the earth or

something? That's, I thought it was going to be a thing where it's like, he's a Confederate dude, he's nearly killed, makes it a Constantine-esque deal with demons or whatever the fuck, and it's like, now you are Jonah Hex. Yeah, my

Papa, Abraham, Hex. He collected snakes and threw him at babies. I would watch that movie instead. Papa Hecks, Snake Chucker. Yeah, actually, it was Jonah Heskowitz, and they kind of chopped it down there. You know, you know. We have our own statue of liberty out here in the Wild Wild West. It's a stick in the ground.

I'm the only old West bounty hunter at What Hunts on Sundays. Saturdays, though, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, show my fucking Chavez. I don't hunt on Saturdays. I don't even ride a horse. Sure. I don't cook for myself by the far. Never had a pork chop. Not once.

I'm going to tell you that I've been offered it many a time, stuck with sticks. All right. I got my two-bit prostitute. It's the old west. Let me just get this sheet out. Cut a hole in it. Jonah Heskowitz. Oh shit.

So yeah, his family's murdered by a leprecon ass Michael Fassbender. This dude is fucking teahy and all over this boy. And this is interesting too because weren't the Irish

pushed into service for the union and this guy's on the Confederates? I mean, I'm sure it existed. I'm sure it existed. I mean, he's... We get no background

on Michael Fassbender. No. He's just a magic lepricon who's going to shoot a bunch of people. And, you know, I'm like, now you're going to die, Jonah. Or I'm going to brand you, Jonah Hanks,

with a big old tea on your face. And this movie, you know, you can tell there's tons of parts where we filmed violence and then we just cut it out of the movie. This is one, Fastbender's death itself is another situation later on. This is where I'm wondering,

because like, did Neville Dian and Taylor even start, like, filming? No, it doesn't seem like that. Or are they taken off before? It seems like they took the script and they had their own vision that they didn't like. I think they were still positioned to direct back when Matt LeBlanc was still taking meetings for this movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It would have been better, though. At least there would have been like a focus or something. The violence would have been there for sure. Like, say what you want about the Neville Dean Taylor stuff. A, it's quick. B, it's violent. And you don't like, yeah, you're like, that's bad, but it's over with. I mean, you're in dire straits.

You're asking a Pixar animator to talk. to actors. Yeah, I don't know about that. And then all of a sudden it turns into a bad motion comic for six minutes. This reminded me of that goddamn watchman pirate thing that they put out. And you're talking about the guy doing animation. How is this not the best part

of the movie? How is the opening animation with the titles or whatever? How is that not cool? Because it looks, it doesn't look, it's just like panels almost. Like you're zooming in on stuff, but it actually doesn't like, I don't know. They didn't put like the, the brand itself that they put on his face says QT and I'm like is this a

Tarantino Kill Bill thing they're doing here? Because if so they fucked it up Roy. I think isn't his name Quentin Turnbull? Yeah. Yeah. I too like a good foot. Come here, Megan Fox. I'm going to look at your feet. Yes, it's me. Old West villain John Malkovich. No, yeah. Harvey. Whatever you're doing is fine. I guess we shouldn't say Old West. This is very much in and around like Maryland. We're going to South Carolina at one point. This is an East Coast Frontierish movie

The Old East You don't hear much about that No, no, no, no, no. You know what you didn't hear much about? I was on that cross for days And by the time the crow Indians found me And cut me down, I was nearly dead. The medicine man underlined

I'm supposed to hit that one really hard. Sure. Did what they could to bring me back But they couldn't get me all out. Then they found this cool movie from 1992, what called the crow? And they were like, What if we did?

that instead. They had just rendered it from Blockbuster Vidia. And it was on incessantly in the background while they did their shay-ons. They were trying to put that white face paint on me and I said, no thanks, Crow Indians. To the point, I was just singing that cure song every night I burn. Every dream like the crow like a dream. Yeah, man.

So did that brand like burned through his face is the idea? No, it burned on his face and then he was so mad about it. He took a takes a hatchet and then burns into his face to burn it off. That's what you get the thing. Here's my thing with Jonah Hanks, dude. Because they show him later, there's only one saloon scene, which I think is

fucking criminal in this kind of a movie. Yep. Yep. Um, where he goes and you see him drink whiskey, it's like dribbling out or whatever. Dude, do yourself a favor. Cut that overhang. Like, it's going to hurt. Yep. You know what I mean? Then you've got full mouth motion. Just cut the overhang. Maybe

then the mouth would be too wide. Then he's got a grim like grimace. Yeah. You're also going to rip the back part more if you do that it's going up. You know what? Just favor the other side of your mouth. You know, like you don't, why you spit whiskey out your hole? What are you doing? You fucking idiot. You don't see him eat. I want to see him

like eat chicken wings. Like that would be very difficult. Oh, he puts the whole boat, he eats it whole and spits the bone out the hole. Oh, dude. Yes. Like a deformed Garfield. Yeah. I hate Mondes. It's like, oh, man, that's sexy. Imagine what he could do.

to me. Oh, I really love my Italian lasagna. Oh, interesting, hilarious detail. It's in the same, like, monologue about, like, him being rescued by the Native Americans is, uh, he's like, oh, and by the way, I heard rumors that, uh,

John Malkovich burned in a hotel fire. And they cut to this shot. It is, it is the worst looking visual effect of like, of hotel like front face. John Malkovich sitting, in like a front window. Isn't this a cartoon too?

It is. This is part of the motion comic thing where it's like probably a rotoscoped. But it starts with like you see John Malkovich and he's in a chair and it's like like freeze frame almost and then it's like it just reminded me of the this is fine meme.

He's just like, yes this is fine. I'm in this hotel fire. I went to go see this cool old West band called Great White and I sat down. Oh no. Oh. man. So he rolls

into a town undescribed town. We don't know anything about it. He's dragging like three dudes behind him. And this was kind of the only

cool move in the movie. Like he pulls up to the sheriff's office and the sheriff's like this big fat dude like, well Jonah Hex, the bounty was for three we only see four.

And he throws a fucking bag at this dude and it's the guy's head and he's like, yeah, last run a little too fat for my horse

to drag so I just cut his head off for proof of death this is the best scene of the movie because it's basically just

bounty law yeah yes Jake Cahill and it should be more like this I mean except for this

so like obviously the whole town is against him like well Jonah Hank actually your bounty is higher than anyone of those gentlemen

so now we're gonna get you and he's got like some terrible line that sounds like they're trying to do like a Charles Bronsonson thing but

it's not working out. It's like, oh, you got there, you got five coffins there, but don't you need eight? It's like you brought two horses, too many. I was actually kind of surprised that Jonah Hex could do addition that quickly. Yeah, but also like,

they try to give him like wise cracks throughout. And even later on in the film, when he kills someone, he's just like, I'm all out of wise ass answers there, friend. You didn't even have a single one. They were just answers. They weren't wise ass. The movie's getting tired and so am I.

Look, I can't be funny. I'm sorry. I tried many times. My name's James, Josh Brolin. Trying very hard to be fun. I can't do it. We are then treated to this shootout that is instantly ruined

by one of the absolute worst film scores I've heard. It's really bad. The metal. Also, it's really dumb that Jonah Hacks has two Gatlin guns attached to the horse that were somehow like hidden in the horse. It almost looks like, You don't see, you would see these things.

The horse would be dying. The horse is that I'm a fucking heart attack once you start firing Gatling guns on either side of the horse. That shit's hot. Yeah. All right, Buttercup, you ready to light him up, girl. Yeah, let's kill him. All right, Buttercup number 77 since Tuscaloosa.

Every time I fire these guns, my horse dies. Yes, exactly. The thing that would happen is his horse would be murdered. instantly and he would fall over and not hit anything. Look, there's a lot of horses out there. It's a horse boom, if you might say. Yeah, we'd either burn the sides of it, definitely a horse heart attack. Oh, yeah.

And Derek's point, the strain of carrying two gatling guns. His back is broken in half every day. Like, just two gats. Do you know how heavy those fuckers are back in the day? Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty dumb. And it's only happens once, thank God. But it's also like, I don't know, like, I just, you know,

You know, like this movie can't figure out what this movie is. So it's like, you would think that the Gatlin gun would come back or something because this is kind of quote unquote the best scene of the movie. Or you'd save it until later in the movie at least. It's supposed to be. I mean, it's the action movie to Wild Wild West Adventure movie. Like that's what they're trying to do. And it sucks.

And like the adding of the guns, like, I get it. You have to put some interest. Like, if you're not getting Eastwood to do the classical way, you have to do like, somebody's got to have stupid goggles. I'm surprised there isn't an airship. Well, and I understand too, like, you know, this is what it's supposed to be like 1876. So like that, you know, technology has furthered.

We obviously had Gatling guns during the Civil War and everything. But like, it just gets to a point where when you notice like the technology advancing too far and you're like, well, now it's science fiction. But also like it's not like doom. You can't just hold all these guns on you. They weigh. They weigh. Look at what was like a Django, that movie. Like he's dragging it in a coffin and shit.

You have to, there has to be a weight to things. You were just complaining about fucking having to haul John Goodman and cutting his head off because he's too fucking fat and you have two Gatlin guns. Are you fucking serious, buddy? And he just dispatches all these dudes and kind of goes away. We meet. Well, he also.

Oh, please. It's a little trick he learned in the Confederacy. clearly he has to burn the town down now on his way out he totally blows up this one building and then like on his way out you catch this dude that he like appoints the sheriff yeah sort of looks like the fact weirdo

from fucking human centipede too oh yeah a little bit now I'm just a sheriff you know the new sheriff it's a damnedest thing keeps on watching something called the human centipede it's on a magic lantern show and it's just

a guy like jerking off with barb wire and shit. It's really something. Yeah, so he goes to the next town. The next town has Megan Fox in it, who is a prostitute, old west prostitute. I got a Tom 6th joke here. Oh, please. Tom 1 was the guy

doing the shadow puppets and shit. Yeah, I come from a long line of transgressive artists who love disgusting their audiences. Yes. Watch how my first, my hand becomes a bunny. And next, my hand becomes a bleeding asshole.

If he doesn't have a kid named Tim 7 or Tom 7, what are we doing? Tom, Tom 3 worked with Charlie Chaplin, where Charlie Chaplin like shit in a box in a movie. Get mashed up in those gears. Tim 5 rode the new Hollywood train. I love it. Him and Peter Fonda. Yeah, you made Easy Rider. I made difficult.

They just keep on getting shot The whole movie And then they're finally peaceful at the end But they keep on getting shot throughout the picture Yeah So Megan Fox Yeah Old West Hooker with a Heart of Gold type character You know

It's one of those like He's in good with her So like he's not paying which I feel is unfair She's just trying to make a living Well, no, they're in love, you see. Oh, that's what that is. Yeah, because she's with some dude in the beginning. And then he's like, he wants to take her away from all this.

She's like, no. This guy is definitely doing like the, I swear to God, I'm going to leave my wife and family for you, baby. Come on, Lala. Come on. Don't make me talk to Sweringer. Oh, yeah, totally. You don't want Al Sweringer on your ass, man.

I feel like that's like a weekly occurrence. Like, oh, Jesus. No, no, that's, oh, you're great, though. This is really fun, but it has to be, like, totally paid for every time. Now, Jonah Hex is like rounding up a pussy posse, right? Yes, I love it. He's got to get a magician. He's got to get...

We like to score with prostitutes in the old... I guess the old Southeast. Now, Lila, it's been an awfully long time since you responded to my message on only Cowboys. Watch up. But you won't get married? Because that's what I want to do. I want to marry it. Instead of Tinder, it's tanner, because the guy that did the tanning and the town invented it.

Yeah, he does all the towns tanning. He's also the village matchmaker. I mean, hinge, it still works, honestly. It's more of a hinge of a cowboy door kind of a situation. Saloon doors, yeah, adults only. I'm just glad I'm off okay cowboy. One of those things exist, right? what is the name of it? It's the one for like single farm folk.

Oh yeah. Fuck. I forget what it's called. Pickfucker. Singles. It's called. Pickfucker singles. Instead of bumble, it's rumble because that's what it does when you're fucking in a carriage. Whenever a train goes by. Meaning love's on its way, brother. But I love you. Oh, I love. And she's like, no. Thank you though. That's great. There's a useless scene later where that dude like comes back and gets handsy. Yeah, and she kills them.

It's kind of something. Was they trying to make her a character and they don't, but they simultaneously don't have any idea what to do with her. Absolutely none. And they, I mean, they give her some action scenes and urgency later in the movie, but it's like, I don't even know this lady. No, you don't. You're surprised she comes back

because, I mean, she's on the poster, so she probably would, but it's kind of surprising and she is just a damsel in distress a lot of it too. You know what I mean? And she just, like, response to, like, stock massage. Like, the guy's like, I bought you now. So now I'm going to die. Surprise, surprise.

Yeah, totally. But this is when Jonah Hex is at a saloon and some guys like, he ain't so tough. What happened to your face? And he like kind of blows him out the door. It just kind of goes like, cut myself shaving. What happened to yours? And I feel right there, it's you get one or the other.

Yes. And honestly, the what happened to yours is better. Yeah. And it's ruined because we're making a shaving joke. Yeah. Pick one. Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort and you're going to die.

Grand Papa Roach wrote that. Well, I'll tell you what, man. I just rewatched Back to the Future 3 recently and like, you know, you got Zizi top in that movie. Why not Papa Roach? That would fit. It would literally be better than the music in this film. Grand Papi Roach Hacks.

I like that. By the way, I think just prior to this, we get like the, we get a scene of turnball I guess I would call it the not great train robbery He steals some shit off this train And like blows it up Well this is when you know it's a poorly directed movie Because you've got Michael

And you've got Michael Fosbeder in general And he gives a shit in this movie clearly Because he's a younger actor Like he's a big budget It's probably one of the more budget I mean he was already in a glorious bastards And other stuff but like this is you know This is still his coming out party

I think this was shot before Probably was But it's still it's coming out party. He's like whistling, they come marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah. But they keep cutting back to the score when they go back to the train.

Like, the eerie thing is if you keep the whistle the entire, like that's a director's trick you might call that. It's like, you have the whistle be the score and like keep cutting back to Foss Bender not know what he's doing until he blows shit up. Well, what were we supposed to do?

Not referenced diehard three. Why come Come on, we have to do it. And also we have to have the Chuk-ch-ch-ch-a-ch-ch-ch-ch-cuh-h-h-h-h-h-dh-dh-dhud. Dude, I just, I will go to my grave not understanding this musical choice. What a dumb thing.

Also, are these guys like proto-clan because they're also like, they kind of... That's what I thought, too. It looks a little weird. And they're former Confederates that want to overthrow the U.S. government. The most hilarious part of that scene is, like, I think they're talking about his character,

Turnball, and it's like, the Mexicans came up with a word for him. It's called terrorists. Terrorista. Terrorista. It's invented for him. The word terrorist exists because of John Malcovich branded this guy's face. The Native Americans have a name for him, murderer. Because we also cut back to Ulysses' as Aiden Quinn as Ulysses says,

Hey, you know what? Whatever the fuck ever, man. Why not? That's the stunning thing about this movie. A shockingly deep cast. Really deep. And we also get Will Arnette in here. as like the sort of Grant's number two kind of a thing

because Grant is like hey look it's this guy Turnbull we're about to have the centennial and I know he's gonna fuck shit up you have to find one Jonah Hex he's the only one that could deal with him Yeah and I'll tell you what Will Arnett's performance in this movie

is a real fucking number two also I think you know what I think that Will Arnett should have been in more movies like this though like as like a squirrelly action like loser guy like kind of If you played a what should be called it Hart Bockner's character in Die Hard, over and over

kind of a thing. That would work. I feel like in this, they're trying to go for like a... It's not British, obviously, and that's why they have an American, but like a snooty British officer type that then gets unceremoniously killed. He's a classist. Like, he thinks that Joan Hex is below his station. Yeah, but don't worry, Ulysses S. Grants was like,

the man was once a hero. He turned in turnball on his men. And the very fate of the nation may now rest on the shoulders of beat, turn to camera, Jonah has. I mean, like, I know. I really know what movie I'm watching. It was on the ticket.

It was on the fucking mylar above the doorway. I know what motion picture I'm here for. Expecting you to get an electric feeling to be like, they're talking about Jonah X. I mean, I guess technically you had seen it 10 minutes ago as the title. But like, also, I guess

the way this movie runs, you saw it a minute go. Yes. The title, this thing runs. goes, goes, goes. Yeah, totally. I will say one thing I don't want to lose because, like, again, maybe I'm getting soft in my old age, want to give points where I can give points.

Sure. The not great train robbery, after they steal, because what he's doing, John Malkovich is going around stealing all these different parts to create this big nation killer weapon. So this is one of those things.

He's robbing the train to get these parts. They blow up this train, and the movie actually does have the foresight to let you in to see some passage on the train. Yes. definitely a bunch of kids all over the place there's this little like lollipop eaten motherfucker that's like mommy why's the

train stopping so you know at least that that shit eating kid got blown up for sure point yeah I mean but like everybody he keeps on talking about his son uh turnbull but like he kind of has a tenant reason he just wants to see the world burn kind of yeah it's kind of both it's like oh my

my baby Jeb played by Jeffrey Dead Morgan in this movie un credited by the way Jeffrey Dead Morgan my baby Jeffrey Dean Morgan. I love you so much. You're exactly my age. That's a great point. Malcovich is running around. Like, it was like some seven-year-old kid that Jonah Hex ran over with the horse.

This dude lost a duel to Jonah Hex. That's the rules of this fucking world. Why are you so pissed? It's, it's, uh, Jonah Hex beds Megan Fox. Bangin. I would, you know what? I would like a sex scene because I just want to see like Megan Fox have to deal with this prosthesis to kiss around it, maybe. You think, like, and not that, like, the actors would do this, but in the world of the story, you think, like, prostitutes are, like, putting their tongue in the hole in the face hole. That's costing a lot extra. A lot.

The other option is like, hey, babe, can I, you're on my left side. I need you to be on my right side because I just need that's the way. And could you look at towards the, oh, there we go. That's that Josh Brolin face. We cut to like a vigorous sex and he's got a bag over his head. Yeah, baby, I want to fuck you like Thomas Pinching on the Simpsons. Just randomly scribbled on bag, handsome. The E is backwards.

Oh, yeah. Write down, write down how handsome I am. Oh, yeah, my sex face. Let me just put on my sex face. Oh, let me get my sex bag. This one says sexy on it instead of handsome. I got a bunch of these. One says pretty.

Who wants to have sex with puts a bag over and says that Ulysses S. Grant. The leader of the nation. What do you like to bone him? That doesn't happen though. And like, you know, there's like pillow talk about like, why don't we get out of here? And he's like, nah. Well, you know, your old web.

blah, blah, or just like standard dude bullshit of like, anyone close to me dies, big girl. Yep, that's how much I care for you. I can't have you dying on me now. Now kiss that face hole. I can know the other one. I still just can't get over the fact that my family died, even though families die like twice a day.

I don't know why it affects me this way, but it does. I mean, I would rather them die of a burden in a house than diphtheria, honestly, which is like 99.9% of families. Got it over nice and quick. I actually, I thanked Turnbull before he branded me. I was just so happy that my family could die being burned alive instead of how it probably would have gone down

a spooked horse running off a cliff and killing him. That wasn't why I'll kill Turnbull. Honestly, it's because he slandered my honor by saying, I didn't love Jeffrey Dean Martin. So I have to destroy him now. I'm sorry. Had nothing to do with the family. I wish, because that scene happens,

you know, his family dies. He goes, no. I want one of these movies, just one of these movies where it's like, I'm going to fucking make you watch your family die. And the dude is just crying unconsolably. Like, the scene can almost not continue.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, oh, God. And then you'll have to. Or. Or. I love her so much. This is like, yeah, Neil forever. I guess my baby.

Hey, oh, God. Hey, Jonah Hicks, man. We're trying to keep the scene going here. Oh, shit. All right, all right. Maybe leave one kid alive. I don't know. Should we just shoot him?

I think we better kill him. I think we just need to shoot him. This is just getting annoyed. We live. You know what? The wife and kid, leave him. We just kill him. He was right.

Right at the first time. Let's just kill him. Smart man, I'm sorry. Or it would be great. This is what I'd love to see one of these times, too, where it's like, and I'm going to kill your whole family. No! No!

And then it goes down, they leave him, and they go away, and he's like, fucking finally, I'm free now. Single man. I made my family disappear. Which way is that brothel I heard about it? Look what you did, you little jerk. Made my family disappear. Well, I mean, once the ashes blown off into the wind,

and then they will have disappeared, but. So he is tasked by the president to work with Will Arnette here. He meets Will Arnette, and Will Arnette is like classic United States fucking policing here, more or less, where he's like, yeah, we were interrogating this guy. And I don't know, he just kind of died all of us. sudden. Weird. And so this is, we get the first demonstration of Jonah Hex's like powers such as they are and he goes up. And if he touches these dudes, they come to life and he can have a conversation. But then there's also something that they start to burn. Yes. Unless he pours dirt on their head

because, you know, the dead like dirt and dirt like the dead. Simple as that. Yep. That's it. That's the only explanation you need. This isn't kind of like vampire shit. What we got here is a classic vampire zombie bullshit combination. And what I'm going to do is touch him a little bit and we'll let this plot move on. Yeah, there's a little old, a Mike Bigdola comic strip

called Hellboy back here. It's the same fucking thing. It's insane. There's a flashback of like, towards the end about like, with him and his wife and his child. Yeah. And the kid is like looking at old

old comic books. Yes. And he's Like, he puts his hand on his son's head. He's like, I think I could feel your brain rotten right here in my hand. He's like, wink, wink, comic book is everybody paying attention? It's so stupid. And it's also trying to like mythologize comic books. Like, oh, yeah, they've been actually around for a very long time, you know? Oh, this one, this is a beautiful one.

This one's by a Jebeda, Kirby. And he was just a master of the early style. But whatever, yeah, he tells him where that there's an underground fight club in South Carolina. And he's got to go find Royal Slocum This guy's name. Played by Tom Wopat of Duke's a Hazard fame.

Yeah, no stranger to fucking Confederate flags here. Well, that's what, this movie's kind of got a boner for the Confederacy. Let's not interesting words. No, but interestingly though, unless I missed it, nary an actual Confederate flag to be found. There is one at the end. Oh, okay.

I think Turnball brings it. It's not in focus, really. Like, he's just like, yeah, yeah. And you can see like it's there because we're clearly at least a little uncomfortable by it because we don't fly the stars and bars, but it's there. I mean, this, Hell on Wheels, the aforementioned. And a lot of just American shit about the Civil War is always like, well, plenty of good people fought too.

And look at Jonah Hex, he's going to take down the evil Confederate. And this kind of just makes it easier for me to fight. okay being a part of this horrific legacy. This specifically does do that because like it's not like they're taking time to be like those were people like ride with the devil does that pretty well.

But like you're not taking that time. You're just being like no, no, no, they're people too. No, no, they didn't do anything horrible. They didn't do anything that bad. Calm down. Well, I mean, we'll get to the Lance Reddick scene, which we'll spend a half hour on. But I mean, like, that's the only mention of slavery. You don't even

here, like, I'd rather John Malcovich be like, and then slavery will come back, because that's what like, twist that mustache. Then you know what, like, and maybe that's the ideal, quote unquote, ideological difference between him and Jonah Hanks, which I'll believe it when I see it. Sure.

But I mean, like, at the very least, like, that puts him on that side. And at least that's you're, you're putting that towards the Confederacy, which is what it was a fucking bout. Yes. Yeah. No, no, no, no. No. Nation killer weaponry. God is. Hot balls.

Hot balls. He goes to, he just, also like the idea that this dead guy's like go to South Carolina. I'm like, you want to get a little more specific? Like, a lot of land down there, buddy. Okay, yeah, I'll be there in three years. You know, I mean, this was early in our country. So there's probably just like four towns in South Carolina. Yeah. And they're all like close enough to the ocean maybe still or something.

So you got to go to Myrtle Beach. Check out there. They didn't go check up on North Myrtle. Things are kind of a little less racist up there, but not really. And then you maybe go out there and find them rich people out on Hilton Head and whatnot, see what they're doing. No, no problem. Okay, I'm going to get a flight out to South Carolina. I'll Uber to the town that they asked for.

The Uber won't die of whatever on the way there like a horse would. My Uber died of dysentery. Couldn't feed my Uber. What is the, so there is a thing. So as Jonah Hex makes his way to South Carolina we hop back with Malcovich for a second and he's hanging out with

Wes Bentley who's like scenes deleted Bentley big fucking time dude and this guy this poor son of a bitch I have no ill will against West Bentley I actually think he kind of rocks but that dude just doesn't get a chance

good actor is insane is this a scene where Malcovich is like this country will not see it's second century. Yep. Excellent. Malcovich there. I like it. I haven't practiced at all. I love it. I don't know. But yes. And he,

West Bentley is like the money behind Malcovich, in quotation marks. And I think it's also like he's a corrupt politician. Yeah. So he's like a Jim Jordan or some of them motherfuckers of Matt Gatz helps help and stop the steal. He seems much better than Jim Jordan. Oh, West Bentley? Absolutely. It probably has a healthier brain. I just remembered, because

the cadence of that yell is exactly that film will never see the light of day RKO the Citizen Caden movie he's excellent

in it pretty good he's great and he's great and again Malcolm which is a villain is great like in the line of fire Conair

Conair he's terrific doesn't he play Mank in that? Yes he does yeah oh wow really see I only know the line because that was in

like the preview that HBO would run I've never actually seen RCAO I finally sat down and watched I think I watched it years ago, but then I watched it recently on my cane binge, and it was, it was good. The really nice cane box comes with Archeo. Oh, that's cool.

What if I own that, then? Somewhere, as you can see the room we're sitting in, there's a problem. In the jupe and bolts, there is an unwrapped. Yeah, oh, yep. But yeah, basically, he's like, give me the super weapon. And he's like, I guess I will. And he's like, I don't want to do it. He's like, you're going to do it.

I'm going to knock over a glass of stuff. And it's like, all right. Oh, yeah, they're like having a drink out on a veranda or something. And Buckavich just knocks. Like, he's doing a bad magic trick. And, like, the whole thing falls on the ground. We tried to talk to Turnbull about calling it the eradicator or something. But he just insisted super weapon.

It's, we're finding this. It's so stupid. I got to tell you about it. You know, now at least we're finding out the specific parts of the weapon because here he's trying to suss out where the trigger device. devices on. And these are the big orange balls is the trigger device? I guess so, yeah. You have to just tell me

something. How does any of this work? There's superpowered kerosene. They shoot like three giant cannon balls and I guess they're full of gunpowder or something. I've no idea. You create like some pattern out of a bunch of these balls that hit the ground and dig in. And then you hit it with a hot ball

that explodes a humongous town. With dragon tears in it, I think. You know, this, this, like, nonsense reminded me also of another ill-fated Western adventure that kind of came out around this time. Cowboys versus aliens with Daniel Craig, you remember that nonsense? Better movie, though. Much better movie than this. It is better than this, yeah. It's still fucking suck shit, but it's better than this.

Like, yeah, like, this, they fucked it up so hard. There's, like, a line where they're stealing it in, what do you call it there? Foss Bender's like, don't drop it. Hartit-T-T-Tar. Got it. Now I know. Because they look very much like the rock.

Yeah. You know those green balls. That means Malikin should have got one of them fucking right in his gullet, man.

They sort of try that because, well, we don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but one ball falls down near his head. Yeah.

I thought they were, I honestly thought one of them was going to drop the ball right there. They were going to explode like, and they're like,

we got to find the second thing of trick or switches. But, of course, it's too long. But yeah, Like, honestly, you should have, like, been like, Ed Harris is going to be real pissed if you don't get these. Like, it was the first thing I thought of.

Like, I saw it. And I'm like, it's, you're just picking scenes and things from old action movies. You could have had Ed Harris in this movie as like the guy who's maybe in the shadows behind Malcovich. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be great. He's going to be great. He's going to become, like, the president of the Confederacy. Yes.

Yeah. Yep. This is one of those cases where you have to pack this thing with people I like because otherwise ain't working. Well, coming up next, coming up after the break, it's Blinking, you miss it, Michael Shannon. Woof, dude. Like, he, it's one of those things where, like, if you look on the IMDB, I didn't, I did, I flat out did not see him last night. He has a full on, like, character name. Yes.

And in this movie, so they go, Jonah Hex makes his way to this fucking big Apple circus circus tent fight club situation. With a vampire boxer. Dude, he's fighting reptile. Repetiles in this movie. Yeah, I think, did they call him the snake man? Or is that just what I wrote? I think they do call him the snake man. They're like pouring venom into his mouth to then, I guess, spit on people.

But this dude's, like, jaw is coming unhinged. Like, he's an actual monster. This is a comic book character, right? This is, I guess this is not from anything, right? I mean, I, you're asking the wrong guy because I never read it, but it seems like they're trying to make a big comic book character. Yes. And there's a barbarian as well. Michael Shannon plays

Dak Cross Williams. Yes. Being Jonah Hicks. Yeah. It says he was the ring leader of a gladiator circus. The studio planned to have Williams in a recurring character if a sequel surfaced.

Hey man, you make another one of these. Give me a call, I guess. Dude, and then they finish his production. It's like, oh, that's a wrap on Michael Shannon. Remember what I said about giving me a call? lose my fucking number. Yeah. I have to get over to Miami

and hang out with Michael Bay. He's got me playing some cake cake. Oh, man. It sounds wild, but I don't want to do this shit, for sure. It is such a blink and you miss it. Like, he's basically, yeah, he's the ringleader of this fight.

He's like, step right up and watch the reptile man. I'm an old West Vince McMahon, I guess. Hip, hip, hip. You're fired. Guess what? You're fired. Yeah, Stone Cold Snake Austin.

Yeah, it's a ladder match, but on top of the ladder is medicine you need to survive the winner. Yeah, it's a ladder match, but except when you get to the top, you got to help fix the roof because the rain's been coming in. There's Triple H. Henry Hathaway Higgins. Uh-oh, it's his mortal enemy, the rock. It's just literally a huge bowl there. And all the black wrestlers are in blackface. It's the South. It's kind of a travesty, really.

All right. Hep, we're going to test you for elixirs. Oh, this is positive for magic. Okay, yeah, yeah. You're going to have to leave. DQ, my friend. You tested positive for magic. You are disqualified.

Yep, yep. But yeah. And he's like, he's like, Jonah Hex is watching this match whilst asking Slocum who's played by Tom Wopat where Turnbull is and he's like why don't you ask his son

and he's like oh right I can talk to the dead he's like thank you dude I think of that oh was this just a scene from a previous draft do exactly like hey but before we

before we go dig up Jeffrey dead Morgan better be sure to burn the circus to the ground Jonah Hanks like this place catches on fire too and he rides out did I do that he was just a force of habit

whenever the Confederate Army was pulling out of somewhere we'd burn it Once my father John Ritter left I was you know He looked after me while I was a young child and now I just get into trouble now

He does get this bit of a problem child He does find this dog Here and who starts following him around by the way this dog What the fuck is this dog? Is there going to be a dog in the sequel? I don't know the dog had an hour of makeup a day to look like this dog. Yeah, to make it look like a ratty dog

because it was like a big old, like, nice like Hollywood dog, you know? It was like, we got to make this dog look like shit. Danny DeVito and the penguin. You just had like hours and hours of makeup. Just smear shit in the fur. That'll do it. It is nice that he saves this dog.

That was another like point. I was like, okay, because I could see the movie being like bram-blamo. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I supported the Confederacy, but hey, I saved the dog anyway. dogs. You know, you can't say I don't like dogs. Fucking hate, you know.

I guess you... If that offends you, you just pretend I said Abe Lincoln in my head there. I guess the idea is the dog kind of is mangy like Jonah Hacks. Oh. Kindred souls. Hey, you're, uh, you're

disgusting looking like me. All right, dog. Woof, whof, I was also burned and branded by another dog whose dog's son, murdered and then he murdered my dog family. Oh, man. Did you fight for the cause of slavery too, little? Woof, woof. Yes, I did.

Carried messages. Thank you. Woof, woof, wuff, states rights. Woof, woof. But he digs up Jonah, uh, Jeffrey, Dead Morgan. Yes, who plays Jeb. Jeb. And I counted how many times in this scene. Ooh, I like that. He says Jeb, because he says Jeb a lot.

Jonah Hex says Jeb seven times in one single scene. This is when I started counting the Jebs. There's probably one or two prior. Yeah. And there is at least one towards the end of the film. This movie is 80 minutes, 73 minutes without credits. And they use a lot of that time to say the word Jeb. A lot of time.

Right? Like, think about it. If you take, so let's see, just the time in which people are speaking in this movie. 70-some-odd minutes. So factor in the number of jebs and then figuring out how many jebs per minute? Exactly.

You can probably guess like there's probably 10 jebs. Sure. In this movie. So that's one. That's one jeb every like six or seven minutes. That's fucking crazy. That's a lot of jeb.

I just forgot out. Hey, audience, just real quick, Jeb. I will say it's a nice name. It is a nice thing. It's something that sounds nice at the end of sentence. So I know, why they did it. I'll clap to that.

Jeb Fever was going to burn this nation to the ground until he started to talk. Oh, no, thank you. Oh, God, Jonah Hex, you brought me back from the dead. How's Papa doing? Tell me how Papa's doing. Is he doing all right? L.O.L. George Bush. Is that W. the worst movie anyone ever made or

not? It's the big budget Saturday Night Live sketch I've ever seen. I mean I saw it I just I probably saw it with two of you actually I papered that sucker over I can't paper I can't remember a second of it I kind of remember the choking scene as a gag

a lot of it is just like even more so than Vice which is a little better than that but not by much a lot of just like making these horror monsters cute and cuddly in a weird way you know yeah yeah because you're just like laughing at him like at them like while you're having a fun time at the movies

and I don't need that. Well, no, it literally just took the argument. It's like, oh, no, he's just a dumb ass. It's not like he planned all this shit. The whole, like, painting W as a dumbass, great, you just humanized him to everyone. Yeah, thank you very much. Good job, Oliver.

Speaking of painting, so he's so silly and dumb, and it was all Cheney's fault. Now we could just reenter society. He's a cute little grampy. Yeah, a little grampy. By the way, that's probably a stay tuned. Probably. Sorry to get political on the show, folks.

It's going to happen. I know someone's rectum is bleeding on our iTunes reviews. Let it bleed. And Jeb is like trying to fight him at first. Then he's like,

oh, that's right. You just kill me. You know what? Jonah Hanks, why don't you go kill my dad? He's kind of the serious thing. I hate you, son of a bitch,

you killed me. Why don't you kill my dad? And we learned here what the situation was. I would love to know what Jeffrey Dead Morgan's mother looked like that John Malkovich is his

fucking father, okay? I have no idea How that genetics works. I don't know. So like some gorgeous Italian woman or something. You know, it's long wavy black hair. Dude, she was stepping out on me. My dad, my father, he, he, he, he, he made it with Marissa Tomey.

I know it doesn't make sense, but somehow. This is my son, hulking hunk, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. I'm John Malkovich. Look at my son. What a specimen. Hmm. I mean, I want to kiss them. I mean, come on.

Look at this guy. I think Malcovich was definitely being cucked in numerous ways. Absolutely. Sure. Yeah, you know, again, this is another sign of like, all you have to do is look at the IMD like cast listing here because I was like, oh, that's Jeffrey Dean Morgan. And I'm looking on IMDB and I'm like, but where's Jeffrey Dean Morgan?

Yeah. You got to scroll to the bottom because he's uncredited in this movie. he knew what was up. That's really bizarre that he's uncredited. Well, he was playing only dead people for a while.

Like this, Jeffrey Dead Morgan. He's dead in weeds. That's the whole thing. He's been dead. He's the father that dies at the very beginning of weeds.

I've never seen a single episode. And there's another one. I'm forgetting like, I think like Gray's Anatomy maybe. So he's on the show Weeds as a ghost? Yeah, like he shows like she has visions of him and stuff.

Really? I would assume flashbacks. But I guess weed makes to see dead people. Well, like, it's like to be like, she's remembering what he looks like and like speaking out loud in her head to him. I see. That's some good weed. It's not good.

It's not bad. It's all bad. But he's like, yeah, I guess, oh, well, you know what? My dad is in Fort Amazing or whatever the fuck is called. Fort. Fort Resurrection. Thank you. Everybody. Also, no, is it because

your dad and you could astral project maybe or something? Like, how do you exactly know where your father would even be. I'll tell you right now. We get that little juicy tidbit when he's interrogating that dead dude that Will Arnett murdered. He has a thing where he

says that the dead when you like are talking to them using his power they just are able to know the exact location of anybody they were ever close with in their life. Literally that's what the explanation is. So you just

got dead dude GPS. you just, you know, for haunting, I assume, it would be very helpful. He does. Where's this mother? Oh, they're at the grocery store. I got to go haunt them at the grocery store. Well, Jeffrey Dead Morgan does say that, oh, you know, I'm watching the two of you just, you're both so similar. You just love murder and so much. I guess like in hell or wherever. I guess he, no, he says he's in hell. He gets to watch, uh, whomever, like, just do whatever. It would be funny if Lucifer was very like forgiving and be like, yeah, go ahead.

Watch. Watch it. Hey, look. Go ahead. Watching shit's awesome, dude. You get to hell and Lucifer's like, welcome to a life of torment. Just kidding. We just kind of hang out here, watch the living. Yeah, you made a beer in the fridge

if you want it. You made all the right moves on earth, man. It's a big trick. It's a total joke. You didn't fall for it. This place fucking rocks. I understand. Everybody's out for laughs,

but we actually do have ice water. And the cool thing is you can't fucking have, everybody's fucking and suck it all. It's awesome. It's kind of awesome down. We have chairs. Not class. it's like that bullshit actual chairs down here.

And I'm just going to tell you right now, we don't hate fun down here. Contrary to another popular saying up there, we have snowball fights every weekend. Now, occasionally you will see me fucking a person's skull. Now, that is, that is true, that I do do that. But this is otherwise a very nice place to live. And that's upon request, by the way. Some people are into that and it's a very consensual relationship. When Jonah Hex gets down there, he conveniently has a nice hold of fuck right there.

No, I've never seen such a thing. A side blow job. Interesting. Looking forward to meeting that fella. Now, Jonah, I'm going to put my cock into your face hole and then put it out the other hole. Now, you tongue it. And then I'm going to get someone else to work the head. Oh, my Lord.

And yes, you heard of the hellhounds. They're a pretty rock and band that comes down. They got like six records. It's all the dudes from fucking blues hammer. And if you put peanut butter on your genitals, they will lick it, though. Jeffrey Dead Morgan,

another bit of information here that tries to get us to humanize Jonah Hex making the hero of this movie is the beef, why they had to have that duel was because Malcovich ordered them to burn down a hospital and Jonah Hex was not cool with it.

Information I could have used at the beginning of the movie. Yep. Why don't we start it with that? Yes. Maybe one of the drafts did or something like that. I mean, the proud American tradition of war includes burning hospitals. This, but that's what's funny. He's like this, you know, I was on board for the whole slavery thing. Exactly. But then when I saw a poor white person hospital. So let's just get to the, the Lance Reddick scene, which is the most insane fucking thing in the world. He knows where, uh, what, what, where Turnbull is now. So he has to go suit up with his cue. And it's kind of a cool, like, idea to have

his cue be Lance Reddick you know what I mean it's the only black character in the entire movie warming up for John Wick it's the exact same

character yeah absolutely and he gives them these cool crossbook cool in quotation marks crossbow guns and then like unprovoked

Lance Redick has to turn to him and he I hope he got a bonus for this I hope like it was like all right it's it's you know 200,000 to be in the movie

and 75000 to say this next line yep that's gonna be 50 grand more that line right there that's gonna be 50 grand work just like underlining it because it's just like

you're going to have to splash the pot Lance Redding because he's like he just turns to him he's like oh what are you doing it's kind of a funny

he's got any big plans for the fourth and he's like not particularly I ain't celebrating that holiday and he's like oh you know

Jonah why do you hate the union so much I know that you didn't you hated slavery and the only reason you fought for the Confederacy was because

you hated being told what to do by the government. Are you kidding me? Well, they don't talk about this. There was a libertarian contingent at the Civil War, and he was into it. Yeah. Yeah, he said, yeah, he's like, we know that you are never into slavery.

And also, he says that he did not, he wasn't cool with seceding either. Yes. It's bullshit. There's people still like that now that it's just like, I don't want to be told what to do. That's why I vote against my interest. And it's just like, no, he was, if you're okay with slavery, you're, you're, you're for it.

I'm sorry. Exactly. If it's part of the package, you're for it. Exactly. Not yet. You're right. Lanthraic, never liked slavery. Never liked any of that stuff.

Didn't like this, you know, I want to keep prostitution legal. I want to legalize the demon plant marijuana, you know. and I love, you know, this, what's his name there? Abraham Paul. Father of Rand. It just, yeah, he would be the father. He thinks that's fucking 300 years old. But like, yeah, it's just, it's this idea where, I mean, it's lost cause bullshit.

And it's like insane that it's in this movie. It's also, like, right before the final 25 minutes. Yeah. And I know it's a short movie, but like, why don't we get a little bit more about the heroes take on the Civil War up front, you know what I mean? And I just want to say, I bet there were, you know, tons of just like 16 year old kids

pressed into service to both sides of the war that didn't have an opinion on it. But Jonah Hex is old. Yes. And around and a homesteader. And he was totally cool climbing those ranks. I'm just saying. I don't want to hear what he was. I mean, actually I do

kind of want to hear what he was doing before. He said no to burn in the hospital. That was the line. A lot of shit had to happen before that. Now, those first five hospitals were fine, but the sixth one here, this is too much turnball. Turnball, I am cool with slaughtering children by the hundreds, but not nurses. Look, man, don't you want me to go burn down to church or something? Just six hospitals is a lot. It makes sense, too, as the 70s.

Duke's a hazard as well. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know, man. Like, Bo and Duke may not be racist, but their car sure bums the fuck out of me, dude. Yep. Yeah. Like, I'm glad that car can do all them cool jumps and whatnot, but just like, I don't know, change its name and take that fucking flag off. You know what? Couldn't do some cool jumps. Fucking Dixie. Sorry. We burned it.

The other guy from Dukes of Hazard has a movie out. Oh, God. What is it called? I'm going to have to pull this up. Johnny Knoxville. It's called It's About Heritage. I never saw that remake of Duke of Hazard. Oh, dude. I got a bad, annoying story about that. Go for it. really much of a story but it was a thing where like when that movie came out of the multiplex I was projecting and the day or the night before when you like

made sure all the prints that you put together like played right through the platter system and everything this newbie projection is totally fucked it up and there was a thing not in the right place and the whole print was just like totally scratched like opening day for this movie

so it was like all right Andrew we have to figure out like how much of this movie is actually scratched, I had to sit there and watch the entirety of that Dukes of Hazard movie from the projection booth while also keeping eye on the print, but looking back, and it just was totally destroyed. So the only time I have seen that movie, there were like between 10 and 12 black lines just through the entire thing. The print was completely destroyed. Did you cancel the showings? No, we just, you put in a thing where it's like we needed like an emergency print sent. It cost like $1,500. Like we got

fine to replace. It was a whole thing. I mean, honestly, it might have made that movie better. It gave me something to look at that wasn't the movie. I was looking at all the scratch. It's called Christmas Cars. John Schneider directed it and wrote it where a down and out actor

much like John Schneider tries to sell miniature versions of like the General Lee with the Confederate flag and everyone gets really up the liberals get really upset about it. And is he playing this actor too? I don't know if he is.

It's... Dean Cain stars instead? Most likely. Look, I'm just a poor man trying to keep up payments on my three houses and seven cars. It's not my fault. My most famous thing

had the Confederacy all over. Also, he's in Smallville. He's fine. Shut up. Just like, you know what? You were a part of something. People loved it at the time. Sure.

It's time to move on. Yeah. And just don't talk about it. It's just so nuts that we have... It's amazing that 10 years... This movie would never be made now. We would dodge the confederate. Or what you obviously could.

You could just not talk about the Confederacy at all. It's just the Old West. He's a cowboy. He's fighting cowboys. Because again, like, you know, to reference the AD short. Yeah. The short that we talked about on AD, he ain't wearing this fucking Confederate hat and the fucking coat.

He's just dressed like a cowboy. Sure. What was the point of this? You know what's funny? Bring up Hell on Wheels again. That show starts with the Confederacy angle as well. Very similar to this. And then like after the first.

first season or something like they can't let's not talk about about he's a different guy he's he's grown as a character it's a wild west there's no war don't worry about it it's nuts or like and also I'd have Lance Reddick do this should be like a pillow talk line with like Megan Fox where she's like well I know you hate the slavery and that would be something but it's very obvious that Lance Redick has to be like well I'm cool with it audience what about you yeah no that's exactly what it is like it's a black character saying it's like he's cool with it so the audience

should be cool Jonah Hex also because he's cool He's cool man It's all cool He says that he's going to take his sons to D.C. to like celebrate the 4th of July Which is the thing Which I guess turns out to be the target Of one Quentin Turnball

Dun dun dun Duh Well that's where the most feet are gonna be Gotta be there Do you think Tarantino jerks off at marathons. They're not barefoot, are they? I don't know, but they've got to get some leg work, though.

A lot of leg. I think it's got to be the tuts, dude. I'm sitting on the ground right at the finish line, man. Yeah, by the way, that's not an insult. Jerk off whatever you want. Yeah, totally. Man, I didn't know, but fucking apparently, but Gritton Tarantino's the CEO, Dr. Scholls.

He's Dr. Scholl himself. So Jonah Hex busts, finds Turnbull's lab or whatever, and discovers his plan and this is where he gets to do with Michael Fosbender the first time he's got like flame guns

which are sort of cool those are like it's what Lance Radicalism they're like flaming arrow mini-closure guys yeah that's sort of I guess it's something it's supposed to be cool it's supposed to be really cool

by the time you're at this point of the movie you're desperately trying not to watch it so yeah it's like okay maybe it was cool I don't know you're fighting against each other yourself for a lot of it because even the action is not good. It's not.

Even these deaths are bad. And like it would be one thing if you got like an arrow in the head or like something fun. But it's no. It's like, oh no, yeah, that one over there is dead. And that one all the way over there is also dead. Go R if you're going to do this movie. Like there's no point in making this PG-13. Nope.

Absolutely not. And this is where kids are like, I love Joe to Hicks. Yeah, definitely not. Long live the Confederacy. Yeah. Well, actually, yeah, maybe some. Yeah. But this was where it was really bad

like blocking and how they do this whole thing because it's like the first time Malcovich and Brolin like their characters encounter each other in the movie and it's like John Malcovich is way at the other end of the hall and he's not facing him and he just sort of turns around no real line literally just walks out of the frame

and then other dudes start fighting. I was like wow, what a confrontation. John, you're in the shot. John, you're in the shot. Oh, sorry. just like gingerly walks out of the way. Oh, great. Well, I knew I put this stupid nose on for something. All right.

I'm going to kill you now. Yeah, I think one of these takes is like, line, just cut it, it's in there? You just say Jonah Hex right there. That was the line. I'm sorry, John. Did you used to say line? No, I said wine.

It's a character thing. Shut the fuck up. We're not doing it again. We got it. Stop it. He's yelling at the camera with a goblet in his hand. Wine. John, I am the director.

I know that I haven't directed anything other than cartoons, but aren't I supposed to be saying cut? No, I say it. When I feel satisfied, I say cut. I have a special contract. They didn't tell you this. Yeah, no, no, I run this. I have what they call a zero effort clause.

And it gets to do a fight with Michael Fossbender. Fossbetter shoots him in the chest. And this is the part where the movie literally goes to sleep for a little while. I can't believe this. I can't believe what we're looking at right here. In an 80-minute movie, he rides off the desert to die. The Crow Indians find him again. Yeah, there's a big thing there where they say when a man's approaching death and whatnot,

all his unfinished business passes before his eyes or something. So I don't know. Here's a couple scenes of me fighting John Malkovich in a flower field. Is this purgatory or something? What is this? I have no idea. The dream space. Like, that's the only thing I can put together.

It's supposed to be the coyote from the Simpsons. Yeah, totally. But, like, this is a... Hey, Melkovich, find your soulmate. You're 10 minutes away from the fucking climax, and you're having a pre-climax, climax? It's so dumb. This is where we get the flashback of, like,

oh, I'm looking at my dumb kid reading comic books right before he's murdered to death. And his wife and son are both native, which is sort of something, which would be something to, like, sort of play with in the movie, right? I'm not even sure if you see their faces in the beginning. See, that's the thing.

You don't find that out until, like, this scene. You need to work with that. You need to have that be in the opening. You just show a flashback of him being drafted unwillingly. Exactly. Like, oh, yeah, my wife and children, I can't believe I got a fight for this. All right, fine. And sure, that happened.

But, like, yeah, calling those people heroes now makes you an asshole. Sorry. Indeed. But, like, yeah, they're fighting in, like, red clay and, like, what if, hey, got a great idea. animation director? You can just call me by animation director. What if in this scene

I'm played by somebody else? Like, you know, it would be really trippy if it was anyone other than me. Like maybe you could spin it so that like I'm there at first but then like, I don't know he morphs into a vision of his father and he's

fighting his father. That's a thing, right? You can get anybody. Find another lean 510 white guy and put this stupid wits. on him and that's it we're fine and I can go to lunch okay animation director oh so it would be like

at the end of what is it I guess BVS when they go into the cell and you think it's Lex Luthor and it turns around and it's fucking just some crazy guy in the cell yeah that would be it's yeah in the Malcovic wig but then you turn around some like

toothless Joe or something who the fuck am I fighting here whoops and then the the Crow Indians find it. He's like a medic alert bracelet from them, I guess. Yeah, I don't know. And they find him, they heal him and a smoke crow comes out of

the crow comes out of his mouth is kind of fun. I like that. It was all right. And like his eyes kind of turn green. He's looking like a little Thanos-esque right there, like yellow eyes rather. I don't know. It was so funny because it was like, oh, this is the only time Josh Brolin ever did a comic book movie, nope. I just totally forgot that he's Thanos in like 14 movies and

cable in another movie. He just learned to fucking bury me under makeup. Don't put my face on this fucking thing. I don't need a face hole thing ain't going to do it. I need a full on. I got to look like a big ass grape tootsie roll man. Ben burn before there, Mr. Faggy. I got to say, I would love him as Cable one more time, but I don't know if it's

going to happen. He was good as Cable. I would have liked to separate. That was pretty rad. He's only playing like Foil the Deadpool. Cable movie would be, you know, for people who look like me, you would love that sort of. I would finally get a good bishop.

It's only been crap bishops here. Yeah, I know, like, just sort of like, you know, he's in, uh, that, um, one of the day, one of the new ones. He did days of future past and he's just sort of like, has no lines kind of thing. Yes, that's right. I do things. Yeah. See?

Uh, whatever. He comes back and then, um, Malcolm is like, uh-oh, Jonah Hex is after us. Why don't we kidnap his woman and bring her to our master plan? It's like, well, no, why don't you do that and like, bring her somewhere else. So he goes following her. That's right. Did we meant,

I guess this is around the time they test out the nation killer on this fucking town, which is actually probably the best scene. It's pretty red. And it's like all these, you know, this is truly like American warfare

at its finest because like all these town folk are coming out of church. Maybe it was Sunday service. Maybe it was a wedding. We love bombing them fucking. But what I don't get about this too is it's a town in Georgia. Yeah.

Isn't that who you're trying to rally to fight again? Yeah, exactly. Go to Baltimore. But I think his whole thing, is it, is it that he wants the Confederacy to rise? Or is it just like, I just want everything to be destroyed? I guess that I'm, I'm the president of whatever. See, him being a nihilist is a way to get around any iffy political. You're totally right.

Yeah, yeah. The thought is that he is using the racists. Right. We should say also in the Lance Reddick scene that Josh, Brolin comes back, like, yeah, there were hypocrites on, and he looks at the camera. Yep, both sides, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, this is for all the movie theaters south of the Mason Dixen there to get that line in for them. What about Antifa?

Exactly. First of all, first of all, during the Civil War, there was Antifa. Did you know that? Did you know that, people? Yeah, they would just come up to you, spray you in the face. That's right. That's right. They invented paint you could spray.

Yeah, you know. Terrify. We literally tried to steal an election, but what the people like broke a best buy window and had and spray paid to BLM? The fuck's that about it. They were completely insured, so actually nothing of value was even lost, but they gave a finger. They gave the middle finger to the camera. Very, very disrespectful is what it is. It's very similar to trying to take over the United States Capitol.

You might even say it's the same exact thing. You're telling me they wouldn't try. They wouldn't try to take over. Maybe it was all applaud. Look, first they came for the best buys and we said nothing. Next thing you know, they'll be storming the Capitol just like we did. Just, you know. Like they did.

They did. I'm crying my little eyes out over those business owners having to get the insurance money to replace their windows. But then I see the capital windows being brokking. And I'm like, good, I own that. It's my people's house Yeah And then my tax money's gonna get double dip to fix it Fuck yeah

Fuck yeah Oh yeah Love shit in the hallways of my house I'm gonna take a piss on the floor Yeah Don't worry somebody else pick it up Fucking shit But yeah he blows up this town

And you know Ulysses S Grand is like shit man I'm still in this movie Aiden Quinn's like line The line is shit man You do see these little kids, like, come out and kick up the cannon balls before the whole town blows up and there's like a little mushroom cloud. Yes. I still think this weapon is totally fucking stupid.

It doesn't make any sense. It's dumb as fuck. It's nice to see townsfolk blow up. So what we need here, Megan Fox hasn't been in the movie for a long time. Yep. She needs to get kidnapped immediately. The movie forgot to. It's post time for a lady kidnapping.

We forgot to kidnap. Oh, shit. The movie's almost over. Malkovich turns around the whole caravan. I mean, this is the only. female character that's not dead, right? So we need obviously to chain her up and have her be a damsel in distress. This is why they brought

in the third rider. They're like, look, we forgot to put the kidnapping in. Neville Dean and Taylor are so stupid. They forgot to put the kidnapping scene in. We need someone to join fourth writer on this film to write women well. Okay, what do you got? Damsel in distress? Perfect. I think she kills the dude that wants to like own her or whatever. And she's like, I don't like. being owned. And it's like, yeah, woo.

How do you like to kid to have to stand? Girl power, if you want to be my lover. Why, moms? And she stabs that dude. Here's the thing. Again, this movie's way better. If, because she stabs this dude in the gut,

if she fucking took that knife and just jacked that dude right in the crotch with it, like now use your fucking rancid dick. There is, she perpetrates some nut trauma a little later in the film when they, when they were escaping to do the main climax. She's actually got a fight scene. It's fine.

It's not great. But she hits some guy in the nerds, but it's so dark. And the editing is so for shit. I can't tell if she cut his dick or shot it or what. Oh, really? I didn't even notice that. Exactly.

That's on the boat. You mean? Yeah. Weird. Megan Fox, by the way, considers this to be the worst movie she's ever been in,

which really is, A, she's probably right. Yeah. And B, that's really saying something because she's been in those transcript. The Transformers movies.

Doesn't need a turtle movies. And she's not a bad actress at all. She's been in a lot of shitty movies. No, but like when you look at those movies, bad such as they are to varying degrees and whatnot, at least they're like competently made. They work. They can follow them. They're things. You know, that you can understand.

Understanding the Transformers movie. Well, I mean, by the time Merlin gets involved. You're right. Well, she left before Merlin showed up good on her. And she was like, I can smell a merlin coming. So Michael Fossbender comes in, beats her up and takes her away. And like, again, Fossbender's trying to be menacing here with this Irish accent and the bowler. And like, if they gave him more to do as opposed to just sort of glare at the camera, that'd be something.

I also don't understand how they are aware of his relationship. Great question. With the Lila character, Megan Fox? Nope. It's just a go to that bar that he hangs out at. someone's got to know something. I have no other ideas. I fucking hate this movie.

Wait, what if I had a great idea? What if instead of trying to kill her? What if I tried to find Jonah Hex killed him instead? What if that made more sense? Yeah, but we need the damsel, Mikey. We need the damsels. Ah, yes. Tar-Tit-Tar, off I go.

Ah, yes. Off to kidnap a woman. There is, so Jonah Hex like rolls up to like the encampment or whatever where they are they're getting the boat ready to go this is post the kidnapping and everything

and there's another moment here where I was like this would be rad as fuck but we don't see anything he kills a dude by throwing an axe right into his face yeah yeah nothing yeah absolutely nothing is here

we got to get that PG-13 we want the Jonah hex action figures to be sold and orang because what this movie also starts doing and you realize like this is especially where I was like okay clearly troubled productionville right here because you're getting things like West Bentley just unceremoniously murdered by John Malcovich like after Malcovich gets the last piece of the thing from him

he's of no use to him anymore and it's just like completely dispatched you don't see it happen it's like a gunshot off camera it's amazing it's one of it like they cut it's West Bentley you got a picture of him there and Balcovish behind him they cut to some other guy and you hear both the click and the shot yep and you're you're like, oh, so Bentley had a different death that was probably cool. You're totally right. Because, yeah, he says, oh, they'll hang me for this.

I hope we got, I'm trying to avoid that. And Malcolm would just like, consider, line. Consider it avoided. Oh, also wine. Animation director, my wine goblet is empty. John, the line is click bang. Yeah, whatever animation director. Cut, print, lunch.

I think I prefer Wine Boy to animation director But yeah I mean the end of this is so muddy Like in terms of like The action of what They infiltrate his boat And like Jonah Hex is fucking all sorts of shit out

Or he invulrates a boat He's fucking all sorts of shit up But uh oh his lady is there Yep So then he has to give up You know Because she she ruins everything But is this

When does he fight Michael Fospender here? That's right He fights on Fosspenter first Yes like right as they're getting on it. It's like axe in the face guy and then this fight with Michael Fassbender which

is nothing. I mean he kills him and but this was one of those like oh cut that dude's head off. Yes. You know doesn't happen. The only kind of cool thing. In the struggle though there it's it's interesting enough I mean it's a fine moment because it's

he Michael Fossner says what does it like to go through life with a face like that? He says, let me show you. And he sets his own hand on fire. Yeah. And starts punching him in the face with his burning the hand. Well, I guess I'm done for the rest of the movie.

My hands melted. Seriously. This guy's not a Superman, apparently. And then he grabs Fossbender's face. It puts it to do with a steam engine or something like that. It's a propeller thing. This is such fucking, God damn it. Like the fucking, so you see, he's pushing the face towards the thing.

Yes. And he, clearly the face went through the fucking propeller. They cut back to Brolin, clean as a whistle. No blood spurt. You couldn't do a digital blood spurt. But there's not even damage to Fastbender because what happens is he puts his hand on him and wakes him back up from the dead. And then you see it.

His face is totally fine. He looks like beautiful Michael Fastbender. And then he uses like the old, because you're alive again, you're getting, and he just like, he starts burning. And then Josh Brolin punches him in the face. and he turns to a cloud of ashes. When he kills him the first time, this is for my wife.

And this is for a machine. And are you ready for football? Malcovich is like, that's my line. I've got a good deal going with those fellas. Oh, around here is where I guess Will Arnett is unceremoniously killed. Yep, this is another one.

Like a U.S. naval ship trying to block them. I mean, first of all, just open. fire. Just bring down the might of the government on this one ship you know to be carrying the nation killer. Instead, it's just like, hey, surrender. And then they arm the nation killer and use it on this boat,

instantly vaporized. You don't even really see a reaction. I would love to see some bodies in water. Well, don't you see Eric, it's because he's proper. And he wants to do war the right way. Yes, exactly. I'd love a good Will Arnette. Like, you cut back to Will Arnette and it's like, Mother. Yeah.

On the next arrest to development. It's just like to show Job's body charred. I've made a huge mistake. Yes. Me as this naval commander, I demand to be taken seriously.

Oh, fuck. So then it's like, here it is. Like, here's the big moment. They do start launching cannonballs like into D.C. Because Malcovatch has some line to be like, fire 50 cannonballs. Which wouldn't make, 50 wouldn't be the number

you would use. anyway, because we didn't have 50 states yet, so... I guess it's just a lot. Okay. Yeah, I mean, he could have said, like, all of them. Or 13 for the original colonies. But, again, he's not a political figure in any way, despite fighting tooth and nail to the death for the Confederates. Quick question there, Mr. Turnbull.

So we're going to attack this nation ceremony with all these freedmen there. But we're not... We're still not a racist outfit, right? Yes, I promise. That's how I'm reading it. You know, earlier we mentioned, like, someone like Ed Harris, maybe as like the CSA new president. Maybe someone from Europe bankroll in this. I feel like we need to have bigger industry.

It's been almost a century now. It's time for us to take it back. It sounds like, Eric, you might have read even a book about the Civil War, which puts you above Neville Dean and Taylor. Yes, I did research. I studied a bunch of shit online, which I was. now regurgitate to you without any personality or inflection. So then they found her dead in the alley and subscribe to the

true bribe. Yeah, exactly. Well, you need some haunting music behind you. Welcome back to reading Wikipedia. But that 7-Eleven closed at four. There's nothing I love more than a good, not awkward

and obvious prompt. I would love it if one of the guys came up to Turnbull and was like, Mr. Turnbull, we've been thinking, me and the fellow's been talking. We've been thinking, you know, if you destroy the whole world, they ain't going to be no prostitutes. There ain't going to be no booze. I'm not sure we survived this, sir. What's the point? A mutiny would be interesting. Or if Fosbender was developed enough that maybe he could usurp his captain there. That would be fucking awesome, right? It's like, because you know, I mean, it's Michael Faspender, very powerful act. and whatnot. Like, now we know looking back, you know, but like, it's like, oh, that guy, he's, he's like a little fucking powder keg of rage. He's going to do something. He murders John Malkovich. Yeah. Like, three quarters away through the movie. Now he's the guy. Yeah. Then he bombs D.C. and renames it New Dublin. Washington, Dublin City. That's right. So they're both tied up. They get out and like, this is when Megan Fox has

some stuff agency to do stuff she's shooting people and you think like at the end where he's fighting Malcovich Malcovich gets the upper hand and she's got this hatchet from some other guy you think she's going to save him but she actually just drops the hatchet by accident

yeah and it's that's what saves him the drop saves him yeah yeah she also has some because like they're all like handcuffed and whatnot and she breaks out of the handcuffs and he's like wow a woman doing things that's weird and she goes Toulula Black's mama didn't raise no fool

and he's like Toulula and I'm like it is too late to get the name I read that as a comic book thing sure whatever but like whoopty fuck I'm firmly in the camp so we get like Hex and Malcovic actually fighting and then we get flashbacks to that stupid fucking purgatory dream fight again

I just feel like they didn't have enough of the fight at the end and they were like oh let's make bigger by having the purgatory dream fight? Oh, you know what? The whole dream fight was probably reshoots and they pethered it in. That makes a ton of sense. Yeah, like, oh, that's how the movie was supposed to end, probably. And it also looks different.

It's colorful. It's not like dark as fuck. These kinds of things, though. And so it's like now we're 11 years after this movie came out. So a solid 12 or more since they filmed it. So like memories are hazy. But I would love

to like sit down with like Malcovitz. or brolin, any of these folks, and be like, so this scene right here, when you were filming it, what was your understanding of what it was? Because it feels like it's just one of those things where it's like, when they see it, they're like, wait, that's what they put this as? You know what I mean? That's what this turned into?

Thank you for asking, Andrew. My thinking was my Lexus was a little old and I should have leased it, but I didn't. So I bought it outright. And I needed a newer Lexus. I was always going over the allotted mileage on the lease And it was getting to be a real pain. You know, when Warner Brothers came to me, animation director, I knew, I was the master

because I had done Horton, Here's a Who, you know. Oh, of course. I heard about that. And I had taken out all the decapitations and shootings in Horton, Here's a Who. I was a master at it, you see. Also in Freebirds, there were like seven massacres in Freebirds. They brought me in Turkey slaughters, but slaughterers all the same. Oh, wow, I'm a turkey.

Just cut that guy's fucking head off. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. he's got a gobbler because I cut his fucking throat open. Wow. Let's cook him and eat him. But Brolin gets the upper hand and shoves Malcolm just head in a gear, which is

kind of fun. It's kind of rad, but I need that to close on that melon man. And then the super ball blows in his face. Brolin and Megan Fox definitely do a Michael Bay. Bad boys were jumping off the dock. Yeah. It is just so weirdly done

this scene because they're like instantly run away because shit's about to go. They stopped to, like, punch the dude still trying to work the cannon. Yes. And then it doesn't feel connected to the movement we're doing right now. Then suddenly we see just some other random shot of them jumping off. The dude working the cannon is another totally mind-boggling thing that the way that they present it because the bald dude you're talking about.

The ball dude, right? Because like, she's sneaking up behind it. And the way that they're framing this and they keep like cutting back to it to like build like some sort of anticipation, I was like, oh, this is going to be somebody. Yeah. It's, oh, secret twist, it's somebody. It's Ulysses S. Great. Yeah, no, exactly.

Like, Aiden Quinn turns around like, but like, it's nobody. Nothing comes in it. Well, looks like it was the government's first inside job. First or many. And, uh, poor land's redic again, has to look at the camera because the boat explodes. He goes, happy 4th of July.

And it's like, yeah, and so that thing, I was like, are we making like a yuckle here about like, oh, that's how fireworks became a thing? I think that's the joke. And whatever. Then Ulysses S. Grant gives him like 90 bucks, which is a million dollars. Oh, totally is loaded. Then he's like, I'm not going to get in the full hundred. But how about you become sheriff of America, Jonah Hex? Dude, Jonah Hex 2 colon sheriff America. I'm into it. I thought this was like a, for a second, I thought I was watching a Joe Arpaio origin story. Wait, now I'm thinking. Actually, Sheriff of America would be a Seagall VOD project.

Definitely. I can see that. Isn't the end of, oh, almost called Men and Black, Wild Wild West, where they find the, they found the FBI? Not the FBI, the Secret Service. Oh, okay.

So it's kind of the same exact thing. It's the exact same thing. Okay, guys. It's the same exact ending to a bad movie. Wicah, Wicah, Wild Hex. No, I actually don't want a boss So you could keep your badge That's right, I'm going to be a weird loner

That just is angry with the government With a ton of guns With my mangy dog That comes back for the end And there's like It's like an ending and a quarter right here Because it's like he and Megan Fox Walking out on the fakeest fucking DC set in the world

They're on Mars I think what happened was someone Like Josh Brolin was like All right I don't want to inconvenience Megan too much I realize I'm like the star of this picture we'll go to her house we'll set up the green screen in her garage

we'll just do it there I mean this looks awful and then yeah she's like because she says like oh did he offer you a job and he's like yeah but you know I don't want a boss or whatnot and they like walk away and I'm like here come the credits and then it's like

we got to end with him just like riding a horse and the dog's there for some reason he says goodbye to Jeb Oh, that's right. Because we're setting up Jonah Hex to the Jebidding. We don't get a Hex, Hex, Hex, come back, Hex. Which is what I was looking for. Sure. Just

saying Jonah Hex a couple more times there. Yeah, that's right. He's like, yeah, well, I don't know. I guess I'll see you real soon or something, Jabba. I don't know, man. We'll see what the box office has to say. Sorry for killing you, Jeb. I mean, this fella here, he directed some cartoons.

They do very well. we might have something here but like that turkey movie man that wasn't nothing and that's the end of this movie hoo toilet flushed the motion picture man final thoughts and recommendation

Steve Sadek not a recommend at all we watched this a long time ago it's kind of funny now that we're this show's been on the air for 11 years like this show kind of existed when we watched this show watch this movie and none of us

remember it. Nope. No. No. You do. Oh, I had to review it. Oh, really? Oh, so you watched it sober. Two thumbs up? Yes, two thumbs up. Two thumbs up his ass. But no, I mean, it's just, it's a comic, it should have been a Western. Like, the West, the way to do these things that are whatever, like, that are genre specific that, like, are basically rip-offs that you make comic books out of is take them back to the genre. You know what I mean? Not impose a superhero lens upon it, which it just doesn't fit at all. There is, and I've never read the Jonah Hex comics, but there is something from the mid-80s

called Hex, where Jonah Hex goes into the future, into a madmex kind of a situation where I was looking at some of that art. I'm like, that sounds pretty cool. But overall, no, thank you, no. Chris Cavan. Absolutely not. Although I would have, I think I might have at least vaguely enjoyed the Neville Dean Taylor version of this. It's possible, but we'll never know. We'll never know. But like, I could see,

like some action, some death scenes actually peppering this up enough where I could follow it. As it is, I was just completely confused the whole time. Now, when you wrote that review, you know, negative such as it was. Sure. Was this one where you were getting like death threats from losers? This was early, this was like back under null. And like Bill Berry was my editor at the time. Really?

Yeah. Like he just, I remember very clearly doing this whole writing thing with him. And I was like, yeah, there's nothing here. at that point I don't think the comments had become quite the cesspool gotcha so yeah no it's a no for me too

I think this is one of the worst ones we've done it is there's nothing there's just nothing here folks I'm sorry someone likes it that's totally fine it's just aggressively not for me I don't it's aggressively I don't know who it's for I mean it's like even if you here's the thing

right like Steve you know to what you're saying if you were a big Jones a hex fan of the of the comic like you gotta be pretty bummed out by no absolutely right so like in that case i don't i don't know it's fucking garbage and you're right like i would have just watched a straight up western movie with with brolin running around it would have been fucking rad how about some gun slinging sure would that kill anyone it should kill anyone because it's bullets coming out i mean he would be a great gun like he has that look and like the one western i remember him from true grit he plays the dullard. Yeah. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. Speaking of the Cowan Brothers. If he was, yeah, if he was just, it was just Jonah Hacks with a fucked up face, bounty hunting some bad dudes. Or like milking a cow that doesn't belong to him and making some delicious biscuits. Also go the first cow route. I'm totally fine with it either or

this fucking sucks shit and never again. But that is going to do it for Jonah Hex here on We Hate Movies. If you want more of this fine program, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. Like I said, we will have an A.D. out this month talking in part about a Jonah Hex animated short that was leaps and bounds better than this movie. And I've got an announcement right here

that coming in July, if you missed out and you didn't hear about it because you don't follow us on social media. Big mistake. We partnered with Vinegar Syndrome where we've got a commentary track on scanner cop and it's going to be back in stock this July. And we have a sort of Western up on our We Love Movies feed this month called A History of Violence. That is absolutely right. God damn, just thinking about like, you know, that's the wild roller coaster of being part of we hate movies

is like one week. You're loving life talking about a history of violence. The next week you're drinking from a fucking loaded toilet talking about Jonah Hex. Back up from that toilet. It's loaded. But as always here, the show rolls on on the free feed. Next Tuesday, the summer blockbuster extravaganza is going where, Steve's

We. it's all about family next week, guys. Scrap in, put on your seatbelts. We're joined by a friend of the show, John Gabris, for Fast Five. Oh, yeah. This is a solid one. This is where we really amp up

into crazy action ship. And I think the debut of The Rock in these movies. I believe so, yes. I could be wrong on that. I spit on the ground whenever I hear the name The Rock. He said I didn't have work ethic or whatever.

We'll see if I can make it through the movie this time because I didn't before. Because I know, I just can't, you know what, I'm going to reappraise it. I'm going to go in with an open mind. There you go. So until next week, talking fast five with Mr. Gabris. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric, Cisco.

Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a HitGum podcast.