We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 558 - Turner & Hooch

Episode Date: July 13, 2021

On this episode, the gang talks about the sick, twisted, cop-partners-with-a-dog comedy, Turner & Hooch! How buff is Tom Hanks in those speedos? Wasn't everybody just a little okay with the old man being murdered? And how dare they cut out Reginald VelJohnson for most of the third act! PLUS: Just how many collies were they going through per season on those old Lassie shows? Turner & Hooch stars Tom Hanks, Beasely the Dog, Mare Winningham, Craig T. Nelson, J. C. Quinn, John McIntire, and the great Reginald Veljohnson as David Sutton; directed by Roger Spottiswoode. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, this one can kiss my ass. It's Turner and Hoot. I'm Andrew Jupin. Steven Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to the fine program as always. That's right. Turner and Hooch from 1989 directed by Roger Spottiswood. Quite the career for this guy. You forget about Spottiswood, man. Check this out. Terror Train, his first ever feature with Jamie Lee. Stopper, my mom will shoot. Air America. Tomorrow never dies for some reason. The sixth day. And you catch this? There's a secret Tom Ripley movie out there from Ott 5 with Barry Pepper called Ripley Underground. This is a movie when IFC.

Sorry. I think it's pretty funny. Wait, is Barry Pepper Ripley? Yes. Don't stop. You're going to be going again. that's a movie that was on iFC when iFC was an actual film channel a lot really i don't know if they put it out but somebody on that channel loved ripply underground you had the something had to like be in between the joe swamberg shorts exactly now it's just nine and a half hours of two and a half men what the fuck is that like are they playing two and a half men in iFC all day long it has nothing to do with the original mission statement or or title of the channel. Yeah, the independent

film channel you mean? Just change the name if you're going to do this. Well, uh, we find that Chuck Lurie is an independent kind of a tour and please we just need money. We just need money. This is actually a perfect segue because we're doing this because

what, there's a Disney Plus TV show. Turner and Hooch with uh, Josh Peck as uh, the Tom Hanks character has to be more likable than Tom Hanks in this fucking movie. He's looking at. And Reggie Vell Johnson shows back No, is he playing the same character? I think he might be.

And you know what? That's good. That is fucking sweet justice for my beloved Reginald Bell Johnson. Because he gets fucking shafted out of the end of this movie. He does. Well, he's also, he's like the butt of every, like Tom Hanks the whole time. It's just making a joke's like, you don't do your job, right? Like, you just don't do anything whatsoever, right?

You're useless. Speaking of that TV show coming up and, you know, first Cruella now a turn of the hooch TV show, my God, this summer's gone to the dogs. Where's your tap? You got a tap on your... He plays David Sutton in the new show, which is David Sutton in this one. Wow. You hear that?

Is this on? Folks, Cruella, now Turner & Hooch? You can't repeat the joke. Okay. Well, it's also gone to the ducks. I just like, you know, and I'm also like, who is like, who even aside from four weirdos of New York City could even care about Turner and a Hooch enough to be like, man, I hope they make a TV show out of that. I couldn't imagine. Now, I actually saw this growing up. This was

1989 release and I was a primo age for it. And I remember my parents like renting it on the crazy norad satellite system. Oh, sure. And man, I didn't like it then. And I don't like it now. In theaters, my friend. Get out of town. Holy crap. Not a dry eye in the house, huh? That was, you see, this is a big rental for me. And I will admit, I watched the shit out of this movie when I was younger. I watched this at least like five times when I was so this was for you this was for me this was for me and I think to answer why they're bringing it back a dog shit is at its peak now everybody wants them even if you're killing them dog shit out on the sidewalk in my building even if you're killing them even if you're killing them they will take it they want them two by two

right because they also did on Disney Plus right the god damn it what was it called lady in the tramp remake yes they did and you do that the Andrew Bajalski Penn this lady in the trip. Unbelievable. When you reminded me of that, like whenever it was like a few months ago, I very specifically remember my head almost popping off of my neck.

Yeah. And here's the question. So this was the last night was the first and will be the only time I watched this movie. You all know my position on dog love and whatnot. What is dog love? I'm a dog guy. Okay, good.

Yeah. Not like the Bobcat Goldthwaite movie. Platonic. But like so Cabin, you're saying you watch this movie what was it about watching a dog's heart be shot out of its chest on camera that had you rewinding that VHS date? I didn't have the R-rated cut where the dog's heart jumps right out of the body. Chris, there is a squib on the chest of a dog puppet. This dog explodes on camera.

It's like the best part of the movie. I was, I forgot that. I mean, again, I saw it. I forgot it too. When it happened, I was like, oh, and then it's, I guess it's going to be like canine where he comes. Oh, oh, okay. All right, now that dog, the dog is dead. The dog is dead. That dog is straight up dead. I watched a interview with Roger Spottiswood, where he was talking about, they had shot an ending when, where, like, he survives. And he's like, we did the, we did the screenings at the same time and did the outro interviews at the same time.

Just slightly more people wanted the dog dead. Just slightly. He's like, they gave, they let me, they very graciously, after Winkler left, they graciously let him decide how it was going to go. But they're like, the numbers say the dog should die. And here's the thing. You get, you get Hank Winkler still direct in this movie, man, that dog lives. Because that guy has a fucking heart inside of his body. But it doesn't even mean anything, really, because it's not like, it doesn't, it's not interesting.

It's not dramatic. Like, yeah, he cries, but it's not his dog. It's a dog. He was babysitting for a. week. Yeah, but they do throw in the ubiquitous montage of like he grows to love the dog, their pals by the end of it, he fucking gives him the bath

and whatnot, like they learn to work together. He solves a murder. They have a tough love situation. Like the muff, even the muffin intro with them, you could tell they kind of like each other or they wouldn't have this thing. And also why this is happening a, also 90s nostalgia

and Disney will turn over any IP they can. Yeah, and 90s nostalgia, I think, is the best biggest reason if only because like the folks who have that

now have children yes and that's just and they know I think it should be a gritty and dark reboot for Disney Plus and he could be just like shut up

eat my dog you know he's like abusing the dog throwing it you know bones of whatever and he's like I got to go

I'm Tom Turner and I have to go back to work on my diaries and that is the entire show and it's dark and weird

and racist and he just has this friendly dog well no no it's okay it's like a devil dog right it's like a devil dog right it's like hell hell I really loved episode five of the new Disney Plus Turner and Hooch where it's just 30 minutes of him explaining how to make homemade

explosives yeah I would rather it in every episode a dog dies like every every episode it's like all right Hooch here's your new partner Hooch he's been shot in the chest okay last week bad deal with dog here is another hooch for you exactly it's the way like a cop car

will explode on t j hooker every every so often you got to replace these things look we got to up the ante i'm sorry we're going to have to burn the dog today if you're killing the dog every week you could call the show ground dog day that's pretty dumb uh so this movie to boil it down

is tom hanks is a very anal retentive douchebag detective or an investigator uh in some like sleepy California town. He's going to move to Sacramento, the big city. He's leaving this job behind when, uh-oh, his old bastard friend

who lives in a shack of some kind on a dock is murdered. He's got like a dirty cardigan. He's like, oh, I name my dog after what I like. Hooch. Give me that drink. The same abandoned boat where Tommy Lee Jones is building bombs and blown away. This fucking idiot is fucking trying to kill this

dog slowly. Exactly. This dude deserves a knife in the back. I'm on the side of this like cutthroat that kills him because like this dog is like cut bleeding. He's all fucked up. It's all fucked up prior to the fucking encounter with this near do well. It is insane. Like the first time you see this dog like he comes out and I was like, why is that dog bleeding? He's just inexplicably bleeding. And filthy

as shit. And like we're getting off track though. This is mainly a deliberate. This movie in total is a delivery system for this fucking theme. This fat guy, John Candy shaking my ass, saxophone out my butt shit.

Like, just, and it they will not. And the fucking stupid thing, they start, like, there's kind of like a sensual intro to it. It's like, but no, no, no. Yep. Bona no. Bap.

Totally right. Because I wrote down, because it's, it's, it's starts with like a saxophone buddy cop thing and it could be like just a non-animal related jimbleushi movie of some kind and then it's just like boom but do that and it just and you're like oh man fat guy john candy music no less than a third of this movie is scored by this thing yes oh for sure the weird part about so the intro montage we're supposed to and like you're right andrew's like anal retentive he's supposed to like a felix unger type yes but when you watch the things he's doing,

it's all totally reasonable. Like, they show him working out in his apartment. This working out is pretty extreme. It's a little American psycho this whole morning. Absolutely. All he's missing is fucking pulling the face mask off of himself. But they show him like spill mustard in his fridge and then clean the fridge like, this fucking maniac.

No, well. No, he doesn't want fucking mustard all over his shit. No, hang on a second. It's okay. I understand you want to clean the fridge. dude everything is out of this refrigerator and he's top to bottoming you just spilled some mustard man get a paper towel i'm not even sure if he spilled it it was a little bit on the bread that's all i saw was a little bit on the bread it was on the tray and you know it was on the tray i can confirm it was on the tray but again just one tray the container didn't explode in the refrigerator sure i mean i i it just to me it was like no even when the only thing that he does that's out of control like neat freak Because when he vacuves Reginald Val Johnson in his car.

Dude, if I was Reginald Val Johnson, I'm punching him in the face. Vacuum Val Johnson. Cleaning a fridge at 6 a.m. is lunatic behavior. I'm sorry. I don't care if a jar of salsa exploded on each level of the fucking thing. That's a real Duke Tastor. Just leave a beat. A fridge test.

It's 6 a.m. I notice Eric Siska is very quiet because you, my friend, are a neat freak. I like to think, I keep things pretty tidy. Not to this degree. I will let, you know what the thing is, it's like out of sight out of mind for me a little bit. I'll try to keep everything clean. But if something's under a table or in the refrigerator, you can get, it can sort of like, all right, just close that and it's gone.

I got you. He's also a maniac because like to do all of the morning activities that he is seen doing before he reports to his office desk job as a police officer, what are you getting up at 4 o'clock in the morning? Like, come on. I can barely get up on time. If I have to go into the office, barely getting there on time. I mean, he's going to be dead in five years.

He's sleeping two hours a night, maybe, with all these things he does. Apparently, also never really jerking off. I'm getting the sense right here. Yeah, yeah, because they don't show it. Is that what you mean? No, he just seems like a dude that needs to shoot, but doesn't know that he needs to shoot. You're definitely right about that. Mayor Winningham really fucking opens him up in this movie.

You're right. He's 33 years old, this character, right? like I did the math on what Tom Hanks would have been. Same age as Jesus Christ. Which is like it's, you know, you think of these figures, mythic figures like Tom Hanks, not Jesus, that you think that they're so old, but like just when I was a youth,

he was 33, he was so young, he had his whole life ahead of him. He did fine, but I'm getting lost to my thoughts here. But he's got a house that he has on his own. Maybe it's a rental. But he's 33 years old.

roommates, not like, it's a huge house. Big, big house. Great, great yard, good outdoor space. There's a lot going for. A stereo system going on there. Stereo system's pretty choice. Very delicious. 33 years old. I've literally never lived alone in my life. Nope. And I never

will now. I haven't. No. It seems like this crazy TV movie fantasy. Well, what is a cop in Cyprus Beach being paid? That's, I mean, that's a question. Why do you have this whole? What is there one murder every decade in this town?

The joke is like, oh, there's nothing to do here, but there's so many fucking cops. Keep fun these fucking people. The cabinet had, when he's shown Reginald Val Johnson how to do it, there's only two felonies like in the history of the department. And meanwhile,

we're also privy to that the sheriff's department and them are jockeying for position. So it's like this town is over-policed. I'm sorry. Oh, absolutely. My question, though, is I'm not really sure what kind of a town we're talking about here. Like, are these all, because we don't really see,

well, we see like where Tom Hanks lives, which, you know, we already said is a big, great house. And then we see Mayor Winningham's house, which is kind of shitty. I mean, it's nice. It's big. It's just, it's half a vet's office. Yeah, it's a living in practice.

I mean, so it smells, first of all. It's an animal hospital, and that's more than salsa explosions that go on there. My question is just like, is this a more affluent, California town. This is northern California. It feels like it is. It feels like these people are pretty well situated. I think so, but it's not enough to be like a hot vacation town because that would have crime. But it's weird though then if it is this affluent town, the way that these townspeople

all interact is very like small town middle class or lower like gee whiz kind of people. I think it's because, you know, it's 89. All these people are like ancient grampies that like, Oh, my daddy found gold in these hills, so I have a house here. So they're more salt of the earth types despite being rich. Well, yeah, but Tom Hanks's old thing is he's leaving this place in a week. Hasn't started packing, by the way. There are a couple boxes, but come on, it's a week away. Yeah, it's true.

Get this fucking, you got to get, I'm sorry. It's by the way, it's not a week. This is even crazier. It's three days. Three days. And he decides to stand up for this case. No, fuck you. I already accepted a job.

I want to see the Sacramento police being like, dude, when are you starting? The new job, he's saying very openly, yo, there's not enough murders around here. I got to go to the city and get more murders under my belt. If you sign up for a police department and you like, don't go, can they kind of like arrest you? Is it like the army or something? I don't know if that's true. It would be hilarious, but I don't know if that's true. So not a military police, not MPP, P, P, P, the police.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the Pee, the Pee, police. police. Oh, PP police. The PP police got my brother one time on a public urination charge. Oh, boy. Now he's a cop, so do that math. I got away with it one time. One time. Twice.

Oh, dude, I'm like Jack the Ripper with that shit, dude. There's a Ripper about it. In our horrible youth, man, I remember just going on the 57th Street tracks. Yep, that's happened. That's the old end of the subway station. Dude, if you're Jack the Ripper, I'm the fucking night stalker.

Holy shit. There was once, I was so, like, I got off. I was in Sunset Park and I got off and I was like five blocks away. And I was like, this is not going to work. I don't have to find a place. I was drunk out of my ass. Sure. I go to, it's one of those Brooklyn places where there's a window in the front here.

And then there's the staircase up to the second. A brownstone. A residential. You pissed in someone's window? I pissed on somebody's window. I love it. It's one a.m. in the morning, me thinking nobody's saying, and bam, light goes on.

And I am running, pissing my pants with my dick out up this street because the lights go on and all I hear is, hey! No, you should have just acted like you were just a thunderstorm or something. You know, like, ooh, it's just bad weather.

Go to bed. You know what, Chris? And you were just deriding it, but you know it would make that story a little more entertaining. A little fat guy John Candy music when the lights go on. That would have hit.

Oh, my dick's out. Yeah, see, when I'm pissing and the lights are off, it's the little... And then lights go on. That is kind of a great cold open to a movie. Exactly. That lets you know this guy's got to make some changes. Chris, something you said about the Tom Hanks character,

I think is another reason why this movie is just shitty is because, like, you don't... It would be better if he was one of those guys that was like, openly talking about how he's like I you know the small town cop thing isn't for me I always wanted to be a big hero that's why I'm going to the like that's it's there but it's so on the outside of this movie

it takes a while to figure out where this movie takes place what's going on and why he is leaving it takes a little too long it's because it's specifically supposed to be a family movie up front but they have all this police business like it keeps on coming at like most of it is him just screaming, I'm going to kill you to the dog

and then trying to fuck mayor. Winning him. And that's kind of it. The police shit doesn't matter. It's not worth even having the vague drug trade or whatever that's going on that's revealed at the end. Who gives a shit?

Make him a school teacher or something. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Oh, spoiler alert. It's Craig T. Nelson. What? Out of fucking nowhere, dude. That is like, that's like a twist

that is so unearned because Craig D. Nelson's in approximately one and a half scenes before that point. Yes, and he's just kind of annoyed to be here in general. Big time. Big fucking time. Well, nobody wants to do this movie. Like, this is the end of,

almost the end of Tom Hanks' is like comedy, big box comedy career wherein, you know, he's doing like the yelling Tom Hanks thing, just screaming. I never liked it. I mean, I guess the Burbs is fine, but like money, etc. I'm just not into it.

Money pit I dig on. I grew up watching the money pit. I've not seen it in 20 years. Big I liked as a kid. Big I like. This is probably why I saw Turner Huch in theaters because we were like a Tom Hanks family. Joe versus the volcano I saw in theater. Never saw that one.

I've seen that thing dozens of times. Volunteers with him speaking of John Candy. I think that one's pretty good. I think Meg Ryan's also in that movie. Oh, is it Rita Wilson? Meg Ryan is in Joe versus the volcano. Oh, yes. No, you're right.

You're right. Which, I mean, that is the point of like the, that's what this, this period in this career is basically, like, I want out of these movies. Yeah. And I think that's why this movie is kind of so like whatever. You know what I mean? Like, he doesn't want to do it and it's pretty obvious. Which it makes me so annoyed because you can tell, because this is 89. 1988, my man Reginald Val Johnson is a little ass movie called Die Hard.

Skyrockets. Now he's in this fucking Tom Hanks movie. I'm so excited to be here. and nobody gives a fuck and I can't stand it. Like, here's Reginald Val Johnson who's definitely given it in this movie. Oh, sure. He's, him and the dog

before the dog's chest explodes are the best parts of this movie. Yeah, I'd rather have him with the dog than Tom Hanks here. It really does have to say Beasley who plays who cheer. A star.

A star, big time. Right from the first look. Like we were talking, K-9 is the better movie because it takes the cop stuff a little bit more seriously and is a little bit more gritty on that level. But like this dog is just magnetism. It is a good dog,

good dog acting, yeah. Although annoying at the same time, which is, which is good, I mean, that's part of it. One of my notes is can they inject the dog with the death serum, which I assume is how I thought when they went to the, when they went to the ladies house was the animal hospital, maybe they'd just put it down. So you think she just has a vat of death serum.

Oh, absolutely. Okay. Yes, that's zero. Yeah, yeah, inject it in the head and then let it go to sleuth. Take out the can of serum. And that's a big dog. You'd probably need a lot. Oh, you need a lot, dude.

You need a lot of that things. Can I tell you I find the weirdest website on the internet by looking up Beasley the dog? Okay. Find agrave.com. Oh, I've been to findagrave.com. And basically, it's like a Facebook for dead people. I've been there too. I check it out when I need to piss in public.

So the dog's buried? Beasley, the dog, has two messages on his wall. He's the dog to start this film. Now, where is he buried? Is it like the Hollywood forever? They don't tell you where the... I mean, maybe if I could have found that tab, but like, really, it's just...

It looks like a Facebook wall, but it's for dead people. Oh, interesting. Because there's the... I thought the find a grave was like they'd show you a photo and tell you the cemetery. I thought that's what it did. Maybe just the Beasley's listing didn't have. have it or something because I remember like looking up because the the absolute all time best

fucking, uh, uh, uh, uh, epitaph ever on a tombstone is, I mean, Jack Lemmon's whole tombstone is amazing. Because it's just Jack Lemon in. Oh, yeah. And that's amazing. It's fucking hilarious. That's great. I mean, like, he's definitely got to be in the same graveyard as Eddie from Frazier. Oh, no, Eddie was cremated. Oh, really? Okay. But, oh, so it's a separate thing called WeRemember.com, sponsored by Ancestry, where you can actually write messages to somebody that's dead.

Two messages on here. Yeah. One, just discovered you today with Tom Hank. Hank. Is there a date on this? Is this like, oh, yeah. You were fabulous. Tons of love, RIP.

Was that written by the television character, Balki Bartakamus? By somebody named Hunkhunk, and that is 3.23, 2021, ladies. Wow, dude, quarantine watch. The other one is by somebody named Jeff Ross, who is not the embattled comedian. If someone was going to hurt the ones you loved, dot, dot, dot, you were the best. I saw you in 89, and then I saw you in. and I still cry at the end of the movie

love your Hootie God bless Jesus It's fucked up It's totally writing a message to a dead dog They never even met There's gotta be people whose entire identity Is loving Turner and Hooges Yes

That's terrifying How many people love Star Wars or Star Trek To an extreme there has to be a Hooch Maniac. I think a Hooch mania This is the kind of hooch maniac dude That's like a Keith Reneery the nexium dude I bet he loves Turner and Hooge

I bet he does because he's a fucking sick fuck sex criminal Oh there's definitely going to be a multi-page blog post about how the new Disney Plus show Just doesn't get it Oh definitely They just don't get what it's about You know what I would take that over

You know the new Turner and Hooch It really deals with grief In an interesting way You could find both of those articles on indie wire Yes these days I Come on Getting a little Dom Deloese laugh

I'm sorry about that But yeah so he gets paired with Reginald Val Johnson He's going to be his Replacement And again like Tom Hanks is just showing him The filing system

Like this is how we file stuff You want to make sure You know it's an old fucking school thing It's got to be like You got to do it a triplicate You got to fold it this way And make sure it goes to the file And Reginal Val Johnson's like

man do I have to I don't know dude do you want this job or what like how about that no that's like generally the feel like even at the end of it like the whole thing is like ah I didn't do my job I'm sorry I didn't do my job Tom Hank

that's what I love about his character though he seems like a real person you know every man it's like okay say to this guy Tom Hank like here's where the fucking file goes and whatever, but he is like acting, like it's Reginald Val Johnson's first day in nursery school and he's like, you use the two hole puncher, you put in folder,

you close the two-pronged pit, like, he knows how to use office supplies. He's a fucking police detective. I mean, what Reginald Val Johnson should really do is once he leaves, just fucking like empty them all out into the fucking, like every folder, just empty it out into the thing and be like, care. That's my new system. Yep. That's what I would do. Fuck this shit. Fuck you. Fuck you, Tom Hank. God damn it. That's what I did on the last day of an internship. I've told the story before where I dumped a bunch of fan letters to Tony Hawk in the garbage. Really? I don't know. I've never heard of this. I had an internship at a book publishing company and like sometimes if somebody writes a book or more than likely gets a book ghost written for them, but they, you know, like, it's like a fan letter just.

fan mail just goes to the publisher. You know what I mean? Weird. Imagine writing fan mail. And it was all this shit to Tony Hawk. And that was my job this summer was to like fucking get back to these people or like forwarded off to his whatever. You had to pose his Tony Hawk? Like hang 10 lovingly yours, Tony.

It was very fun to be in the video game. Well, got to go now. There's some shredding to be done. Sorry, Bradley, that your cancer isn't as gnarly as this half pipe. that I'm on right now. Get well soon, buddy. Hang 10. No, I was supposed to forward it to his agent or whatever.

And I just didn't have the time, ladies and gentlemen. No. But I wanted to get a good recommendation so you don't want to fucking get stuck with all these letters that you didn't mail. So on my last day, I stuffed my bag full of mail to Tony Hawk and threw it in a dumpster three blocks away. You didn't like, you tried to cover your crime like five at one,

five at the next one. Come here, tracks. It's like cutting up a credit card. You're putting different parts of it in different garbage cans. But yeah, that's what happened. I don't know where that came from, but that's the true story.

Wow. I love the, you know, so they're like, oh, we got, there's a call, old man, Peabody or whatever this guy's name. Amos.

Oh, old man Amos. That's right. We should mention that first a haunting woman. Oh, my God. Terrifying monster. That's what I'm trying to get to. This lady that gives him the muffins.

That he takes to the, this separate location with the old name. That woman is literally dying in the middle of the take that is in the movie. She's like, hey, you're a muffin, Tom Hank. It's insane. I am passing away. I can't believe it.

Dude, she looks like the fucking ghost in the library at the beginning of Ghostbusters. Shush. But of course, and again, we can't commit to Tom Hanks, Tom Hanks being the neat guy. And we're kind of almost committing to Reginal Val Johnson being the fat cop because he's like, I got to have one of these

muffins man. Yep. And he's eating the muffin and then that's what he gets the dustbuster. I also think it's weird for Tom Hanks to be protective of the four muffins that this crazy woman who came out of a painting or something. Because it's like, you know it's going to be

full of fingernails and garbage or whatever. Maybe it's going to be good. I don't know. He knows that he needs the ammo for Huch. Because this is like Hooch's like bribery food. Oh, of course. So he's like, Reginal Val Johnson, you can't eat all my ammo, man. Officer, Officer Turner, here's my famous pink eraser muffins. Have a chump. They could have fleshed it out

better that he goes there often. I guess he does. But like, when this dog attacks him initially, yeah, gets, bites his throat. Yes. I feel like that establishes a first time meeting pretty much. It does. And I feel like it's got to be, if you're Reginald Val Johnson, you're peck and he, you see this big dog coming for your partner's throat. You've got a fucking open fire, man. I'm sorry. Even if I'm Tom Hank

and I get up after the fucking dog had its mouth around my neck. I'm putting two in the chrome dome. I don't know. After this guy's vacuuming my face, I don't think I'm going to do much of anything. Take him straight to hell, dogs.

See if I care. Enjoy it. Dude, speaking of dog bites, I think this might be the time to tell it. I didn't even tweet about this. I've been saving this for this episode. The universe shined down upon me yesterday, gentlemen. Let me tell you this right now.

I'm walking to the car lot where I keep my car to go to the office yesterday. Coming around the corner, got my cup of coffee, do-do, having a good morning. It wasn't too hot just yet. I see this guy who's got his dog off leash, like, on this side street. And I instantly just hate his fucking guts. Like, dogs off leash, especially in New York City, like, go fuck yourself. and the universe thoughts are too because this guy

he's trying to get the dog to come back inside so he's trying to get close to the dog to put the leash on it and the dog is not having it because it's a not well-trained dog and it's off leash and it's having a good time

and whatever so this dude gets frustrated and he fucking hucks the leash at this dog like come on God damn it throws this leash at the dog the dog not to be outdone by his master

straight up bit this dude in the penis just fine He fucking went at him, bit him in the penis. And before I could see what was going on, this dude was on the ground screaming. Was it a full on like chomp, like, just like, oh, just got it. Like, it's probably bleeding out or something. There's no way he wasn't bleeding.

And he went, he fucking dropped like a sack of wet laundry. Like you would? And he's fucking holding this shit. And the dog is just standing there like, yeah, we're playing, right? All he has between his fucking legs is wet laundry now. Steve, we should check that Find a Grave website for this guy. I realized what was going on here

too. Because like I stopped. There were like three women standing next to me who were also like just it was one of those like you're trying not to laugh because you're inside America's funniest home videos. But like he also clearly was in pain and I was like

hey man you all right. Do you need help? And this guy because he had just been bit on his penis by a dog in public. like was clearly so mortified that he was like, no, I just oh god damn. And he just like stood up

and was like yelling at the door. Get back at it. Like they went and saw, like he just. What was his pants situation? Waring shorts. Oh boy. Some like white shorts. Some loose shorts.

You could bite a dick right through that. The reason he was so flummoxed was he was simultaneously in pain but realized oh shit I'm into this at the same time. And that's it. I'm getting hard. No. All this while having to start.

Solie! Charlie going to die I mean so he's like If he had to go to the doctor He didn't know till he got back in his apartment Because he did not want to be evaluated By paramedics on the sidewalk Which I get

Because hilariously a dog just bit your penis Yeah It was the best morning I've had in a really long time Hold was this fellow I'll probably like somewhere in his 40s Okay so potentially breeding era Behind him anyway Yeah who knows

I'm just trying to look on the bright side Yeah I mean you know what The moral of the story is put your fucking dog on a leash man. Was it Ezra Klein? I don't believe so. God damn it.

I really hate an unleashed dog. Got to say it. Absolutely. I hate it. Anyway. But yeah, we get so much mileage out of the shot.

And we do the the space 2001 theme when the dog when Beasley slash hooves himself. Yeah. This footage is shown

before the actual end of movie is shown three times. It's right here, he has a nightmare about it later, and then during that fuck-around montage at the end, you better believe you're seeing this footage again. Absolutely. Getting your money's worth of that whole

thing, yeah. And the whole fucking like 2001 reference, very dumb. It doesn't even make any sense. It doesn't. Like, if it was a fucking monkey movie, like maybe that. It's about discovery. What are you discovering? This dog, this filthy fucking half-murdered

dog. I still don't know why he was bleeding. I don't get it. The idea is that it's like a big thing. Yeah. Oh, sure. It's as big as the monolith. It's as big as a good movie.

But it's not as like, it's not filmed well. No, this movie looks like shit. It's fucking awful. And then we got this deranged old man. I live on the dark. Did you guys check out that dude's IMDB?

Do you know who that guy is? He played, I mean, he had a long-storied career. He played the conductor at the great train chase. no he was he was um he was the sheriff in psycho who they go to they go to his house and they wake him up

in the middle of the night and his wife's like oh honey there's people you're asking about Norma Bates's grave it's that guy only 400 years old now but he was also coming out of the factory with Danny Trejo back in the day when the camera started I forgot about our bit that Danny Trejo's been

in every movie since the invention of the game 400 acting credits. At least that. I think he's trying to go for 45. When the train was leaving the station, Danny Trejo and this guy were on it. That's before he went into prison. And I guess it's a noise complaint.

He's like, oh, they're making too much noise. At an industrial dock. Yeah, you don't say. And Tom Hanks is like, hey man,

well, you kind of just live in a tin box squalor shit hole on an industrial dock. Like, what do you think is going to happen here? He's like, well, you can't keep the dog anywhere at all.

How is that house even legal? I don't think it's a house, dude. I think he's living in a shipping container with a window on it. Yeah, like, where is the dog just shitting on the pier? Like the planks of wood just going to put your little ass over it and shit right in the water there, hooch, definitely. I don't got a clean and dash. If you drop any on the dock, I'll just eat it. And he's like, oh, this is my dog.

I love so much. I feed it chocolate chip cookies, which will kill a dog. Absolutely. Full on kill a dog. Why are we telling kids this? That's, see, and that's, yeah, dude, like, you know that some fucking dumb kid and not dumb. No, kids are impressional. They're dumb, but, like, they're also impressionable.

And, like, they saw this movie because it's billed as a fucking children's movie, which it is not in any capacity. And then they fucking went home, gave Fido some fucking chips a hoy and killed their dog. Well, like, the idea is that Tom Hank has to fucking mellow out. And, like, you just, okay, that's a fine. You can say that a lot of. ways. Not like, hey, openly kill your fucking dog. Like, here, throw some grapes in his fucking mouth, dude.

This dog shotguns, beers, like, it's me and Steve on a Saturday night in 2004. Exactly. Not a good idea. It's so irresponsible. And, like, at no point, is any, like, Mayor Winningham, who plays a veterinarian in this movie, is never like,

what the fuck did you say you just fed that chocolate chip cookies and beer? A great scene to add that disclaimer in is when he goes shopping for dog food and he he's talking to the dog food attendant. That thing, that is the most insane. I have to, to go, like, you, you are getting a dog for the first time. And your first trip to the fucking pet store is $93.

Get on your knees and thank God. Dude, I couldn't even believe it. Like, in this day and age, that we don't even buy Marty that big of a dog food bag, but it's like, sizable enough. It's like 70 bucks. I saw it and I was like $96 for all of this. I know it's 1989, but still good gravy. Well, Barr, that's before Clinton came in here.

Jammed up that inflation. 93 bucks still meant a lot of money. 93 bucks, Barr could have bought a whole lot of dog food with that. Better than you're cooking. It's certainly also better than the Japanese prime minister's cooking. Which is non-existent, by the way. Honked all over that guy, eh, Barr? Taunt him a lesson.

I assumed he cooked at himself. I'm not even doing the impression. You know, they call him chefs over there. They don't cook anything bar. Not a damn thing. We should talk about the villain of this film or one of the sort of fake out villain, who is Mr. Boyette of, I guess, Miller Boyette production. Yes, this was before he got in the television game.

He was a crooked fishmonger. Before he started producing step by step. Did he, was Miller Boyette also family manners speaking of? of Reginald? Well, Miller and Boy yet. Yeah, Miller. Yeah, but the company, it was Miller Boyer. Yes. But he still stores his money as well. But he still stores his money and ice.

What a dumb thing. And like, we've ragged on like the vague crime syndicates and these kind of movies before, but this is about as vague as it gets because it's not until like, it's the last, like, less than 10 minutes of the movie when Craig T. Nelson is like, something to something. There's one time I had business in South,

America and now I'm just this fucking like drug money laundering king. So I guess the idea is there's drug money going through this town. They put it into the ice and freeze it and ship it with the fish to South America or somewhere. To give it back to someone. Because I think it's a thing where like the drugs come in, they get sold and the cut for the, you know, suppliers, has to get back out of the country, and that's what Mr. Boyette and Craig T. Nelson are facilitating? Well, that's what they know tell you, is that Cyprus Beach is the main hub for, if you want to get cheap trash tilapia, you can fucking get it shipped out, and it goes to South America. You know, the first sign of trouble with this cannery was smelled fishy.

Whop, wop, wop, wop, wap. I need you do the card cap every time. I need you. There you go. Is this on? Smelled fishy. Get off the stage. I got 17 more of these.

They also, they find some money at the beach. Tom Hanks has to go and pick it up. It's money in a baggie, like $8,000. It's reported by these, or $800? It's $8,000.

And listen, lady, what are you an idiot? Just take it. You found $1,000 that washed up on the beach? I think she didn't want to find herself in a no country for old men situation. Oh, yeah.

She'd be going to the getting place after taking that $8,000. you found a baggie I believe that baggie belongs to me give me my baggie friend old lady this hooch has been following you your whole life and now it's here

yeah well it turns out I'm older than the dog was when he died or something and whatever dog age numbers math yeah hooch will be good for your house I mean maybe as good as a bubonic play and I saw Hooch walking up in front of me

and he just looked back he said nothing yeah because he's fucking dead at the end of this movie this fucking dumb ass movie oh so they have to get like so the oh no I'm getting ahead of my stuff here the old man dies at some point right

well he gets a little later there's a guy who stole a Farraday Farraday stole eight grand as well There's $8,000 on the beach, and there's $8,000 in Faraday's pocket. And Faraday gets caught, and they are going to fucking assassinate this kid over $8,000. And $80.9, I guess. Also, that's a big risk, too.

Like, you're going to murder someone for $8,000? Yep. Yep. That's, it's tricky. A car payment. You're killing somebody for a car payment. You beat the shit out of him and you let him know next time we fucking take your throat kind of a thing. And the way that they get this dude is great. like he's fucking running and this guy who's kind of like the number two heavy of the movie like

throws a knife and hits him in the leg and he falls over nice and then this guy's like oh mr boyette like i just i had a moment of weakness it's never going to happen again and he's like that's right johnny it's not and this fucking muscle in this disney movie takes the knife out of this guy's leg and slits his throat i love that 8000 now 10 i understand sure yeah then it's grand larceny five digits i need to see Ditches there. Then it's fine. I get it. Eight grand isn't even a good day on Jeopardy, man. Like that's like a bad day. If you walk out with eight grand, I kind of was the one that eeked it out. Like you want like 14, 15 grand in jeopardy. Look, I just really, I got lucky with the movies category.

Everything else was a blur. I was really sucking shit the rest of the night. Yeah, the guy in Final Jeopardy had 30 grand. He bet it all and lost. And here I am, eight grand Richard. It's not bad. I'm a champion. You can't take the word from it. It's no, it's nothing to sneeze at, but I mean, I'm not going to kill somebody over it. You know, it's not, you're right, because here they also have to kill the old man. So it's

$8,000 for two, so it's $4,000 body. Because what, what happens is like, yeah, they cut this dude's throat. There's all these shenanigans. That's like two trips to Mexico, basically. A weekend in Lake George. Oh, I don't know what fucking weekend you're having there. Four grand. My God.

This is a big house. Nice. I mean, it's a nice. Some nice vacation rentals, yeah. See, you, you fucking cut this dude's throat. There's a bunch of commotion in the factory. Then, yeah, the heavy notices that across the way, old man Amos's light turns on because Hooch is barking and all the shit. So the guy then has to go over and see what's up.

This is your fault because this guy is like, hey, sir, you didn't see anything. Here's a, I think he's trying to give him the eight grand, the titular eight grand. He'll be like, you know, dude, we'll just, you know, forget this, you and I. Life-changing money for an old dare. You wouldn't have to fucking sleep in a shipping crate anymore.

Well, maybe you could stop putting fucking cigarettes out on your dog, possibly, buy an ashtray. Look, tell you what, Ms. James, I'll even do your favor. I'll finish the job. I'll kill your dog for you. How about that? Well, $8,000 I can finally take Hooch to that scientist played by Lance Hendrickson. He'll turn him into a row bit. Hoot will live forever and piss ass it.

Man's best friend. previous episode. Guys got a big fucking mouth starts mouthing off to a known hit man. Yep. And he gets stabbed in the back. You know old people? Stop mout and off. We are younger and stronger.

I just want to let everyone know. If you're older, do not fucking mouth off. I'm just hoping my neighbors listen to this. You're off your soapbox now. All right. I'm off of it. I would love it if the whole thing like,

He wasn't, like, he didn't, he wasn't worried about him being, like, mouthing off about the murder, I think. He just saw him giving the dog the chocolate chip cookies and was like, look, man, it's really bad for the dog. You know, you can have this 8,000. No, it's my dog. I get to do what I want with it. Alpo makes some pretty good stuff. I don't know. Elpo sounds expensive.

But he likes the cookies. Fucking, blam. I mean, this dude deserves to die. Absolutely. Not a wet eye in the house of this old. fuck. Absolutely. And I got to tell you not only was there not a dry eye in the house, there was a couple

chuckles in my. Because this dude gets ganged like it's an episode of Oz, man. It's incredible. Dude, definite Popper's grave situation. They're just, they're burying this dude in a ditch. They should have fucking just kicked him right into the water, dude. Let the sharks deal with it. Maybe they grind

him up with the fish meat or something. Like that's tuna fish. Oh, I like that. Totally. Yeah, there ain't no dolphins, but old man Amos, truck full of that guy. That's actually, oh, and that's right, when he's about, he can't get to the body to remove it because the dog comes out and like breaks through and like tries to kill him and he, you know, he has to run away. So that, my next question was going to be, why not get rid of the body? That's why he can't get rid of the body. The next morning of the body is discovered. And now it's the biggest crime in Cyprus Hill history. And of course, Tom Hank is the only person who was mourning this piece of shit, this absolute monster. Yeah. Morning another monster. You know, old man Amos was found murdered, huh? Better find the only person in America that cares about this guy. You know, we used to like talking about, you know, trying to kill dogs.

We used to love talking about like, oh, you almost murdered him. Yeah, I almost got, I almost murdered a cat. We always tried to one up each other on who could feed the dog poisonous things that would kill it. One day we bought a bunch of little goldfish and we filled the little fish bowl with Coca-Cola and watched them all die. It was a fun day. It was just a fun day with me and Amos. Man, they have like these animal control people come in to try to grab this dog. Oh, man.

These people get put in their place. And the cops already have their clothes and tatters. But I was thinking the animal control community. They're the ones we're not respecting enough. Like everyone else has like a thin blue line flag or whatever. I think animal control needs a flag. Maybe like it's like a black and white, a somber American flag. But then there's like a cheetah print.

That'd be fun. Like one line. That's like a cheetah print. That also is a little saucy. I kind of like it. You might actually smile at it instead of seeing some oppression. Win over the Peg Bundys of the world.

It could be like a, it's basically, it's the old like red, white and blue such as it is, but instead of the stars over the blue, it's just a little picture of a raccoon and then it's a red circle with a line through it. Oh, no, that was like a killing raccoons. Well, that's what animal control does. They don't murder raccoon.

They're killing those raccoons, dude. Those are considered pests. When I was growing up, we had a rabid raccoon on our property up, you know, we lived off like a dirt road pretty rural. And we called animal control, you know? Like, really? This is a rabid animal. My parents have children there and me. Well, I think I was one of them.

Really? Yeah. I would figure in the Ciska household, you just take that thing and throw it in your enemy's camp or something. we should have done that in retrospect but no but then animal control just calls the police so then the cops shows up they arrest it and then fucking beat it to death in custody no I watched through the window as a child

as a police officer shot a raccoon in the head oh my god what yeah right on my right in front of my front door what wow you know what animal control maybe you don't deserve a flag but I mean it's your thing you're right they're killing those raccoons

rabbit raccoons tried to go to his room Got knocked out by Eric Siska One time I did not touch the animal We had a rabid squirrel in the backyard And you know My old man had told us like an easy way to spot

Like if an animal has rabies Is like they kind of act like they're a little drunk Sure And so we saw this squirrel And we were like well That looks like you know various uncles at the holidays that squirrel must have rabies and we told my father

my father not calling animal control my father going to the shed taking a shovel and doing a fucking happy Gilmore on this squirrel yep

murdered that squirrel immediately my grandmother once murdered a woodchuck or a ground hog out back for going in the garden you know oh just strangle it with her bare hands

I think it was a shoveling that's well that's how you got penny candy back in the day your parents would send you out with a shovel to kill the rodents I'm going to be, I've never seen an animal murdered in front of me. Oh, I got another story for you. I don't know.

One time my dad took me to the racetrack, you see. Yeah, we tied a dog to the back of the race car. No. No, no, no. There was a baby deer, like a fawn that came out into my backyard as a kid and, you know, went to sleep, very beautiful. And, well, it passed away. And it started to, like, decompose.

What? I had to get a big old shovel at and part of the chores around the property. Gotcha. Yes. Did you throw this into your enemy's family? Sort of, yeah. We, you know, I picked it up with a shovel

and I hucked it off a cliff. And then the buzzards can eat it down there. I was about to jokingly ask if you hucked it off of Siska Point, as I call it to my shore. I absolutely did. I mean, you got a cliff. That's what it's there for, throwing stuff off. Do you think there is animal control guys

who like maybe back in the day when you were shooting? animals like this they do it and like you know how like they like get really guilty about it and like their marriage falls apart because they keep on remembering the fucking raccoon they shot in the head reef so it's like true detective but a guy shoots a raccoon it just keeps on here there's your fourth season there right there look at it that would be an interesting turn right yeah get stevendorf back there's a great purple remember we shot that raccoon at one time I can't stop thinking about it. No.

I'm going to wander on my house for the rest of the episode. Yeah, I know I'm drinking. I'm thinking about that raccoon. Sorry. There's a fucking great moment of like unintentionally hilarious ADR. Because like when they're looking at the body and everything and Tom Hanks is like, all right, man, I've never dealt with a murder, but we got to do our best here. So he and Reginald Val Johnson start like taking crime scene photos and everything.

And then you just hear it's not Tom Hanks, it's not Reginald Val Johnson, it's just someone else totally off. It's the human being who said this line probably isn't even in this scene or acting in this movie. It's just a disembodied voice goes, oh, great, it's a couple of those jerks from the sheriff's department out of fucking no. And they must have been like, oh, when these guys roll up and start giving Tom Hanks the hassle, nobody knows who they are because this movie is so poorly. We got to put this fucking line in. And putting that line in there, it's like you could do comedy with these guys. You could be opposing police forces like, you know, like a police academy or super troopers situation, sure. And you can find comedy there instead of having a dog just rip a house open.

Like ripping a house apart, a dog destroying things. You're totally right. You never like, so what happens is these guys come up there like, we're from the sheriff's department. This is our jurisdiction. That usual dick swing and stuff. And then Craig T. Nelson is the sheriff of the local. police force and he's, Tom Hanks is like, hey man, like, this is where he convinces him. He's like, look, just give me a few days, you know, I got this other paycheck to collect

anyway. Let me work for it is what he says. Big mistake. Yeah, he was going to take a vacation. Yes. You know, in the few days off in between the jobs. Right. Now he's just going to work straight. So like, take your vacation and or get paid out for it. You can't always get paid out for it, but if you're not getting paid out for it, take that fucking vacation. Absolutely. And so like, Craig T. Nelson is like, all right, I'll let you do this so we can have a movie on our hands here somewhat. I'll go talk to these guys. You never see these dudes again. Like, it would be great if they were a foil for Tom Hanks and the dog and Reginald Val Johnson. Well, because the movie forgets about the murder immediately. And then it's like funny, quote unquote, funny dog shenanigans for

the next hour. Right. And then the last half hour is the crime stuff. Like, basically like, Animal Control can't get this dog. It knows Tom Hanks at a little. bit enough. So it's like, now it's up to you, Tom. Hank's like, this dog's a witness to murder. And it's like, well, no, it's not. Yeah. He keeps on thinking this dog is going to point him to the answers of the killer, which of course it does. It does. But what an absurd thing. What it is even mean by that? Are you going to like crack open its eyeballs or something, figure out what it saw? A dog on the stand? Is that what we're going towards here? Because if so, I need to see it. That's then this movie gets into bingo territory. And that's a completely different.

motion picture. Better movie than Turner and Hoosh. Absolutely. Definitely. So he takes the dog to the vet. There's a bunch of stuff with all these big industrial which does this like dog collar thing. Whatever these animal control things are where they get the wire like

around their neck but it's a big pole like a pool cleaner. And he's like walking this dog while he's driving which is illegal. This is insane. This is like you're waiting to kill that animal. Right. Exactly. Like one wrong step on that gas. Yep. In a different universe, this is what sets off Michael Douglas and falling down.

Seeing something like this on the highway. It's not even the burger. Yeah. He didn't even get fired or anything. No, nothing. He just saw this. It was like, what the fuck is going on? You forgot your dog leash.

You forgot your dog leash. Oh, man. Does that, is that movie good? No. It's certainly fun. It's something to watch. Yeah. I mean, it's to stay tuned for sure.

Yeah. yeah definitely right it's sort of like white panic a little bit the whole like the way they film los angeles in that movie is we're making a movie in mexico you know like it's all yeah some traffic asks filter yes exactly that unconscious robert devolts sweating through that whole movie oh yes pendergast yes nice i think it was a hot it must have been a hot set though there's a lot of sweaty people in that movie it's a hot summer in l.a they were making it maybe so he goes and mayor Wittenham's like, I'm going to have to call the cops. Dude, this is like huge dog

abuse. Yeah. She finally is like, why is this dog bleeding? And I was like, I know Merwinningham. What is going on? Yeah, she is Dr. Emily Carson, veterinarian. Gotta say, love Merwiningham.

Merwinningham. She kind of got a raw deal because her and Leah Thompson are kind of the same. And Leah Thompson's got like a titch more charisma. I'll tell you also, the name because Leah Thompson oh actress Mayor Winningham would just win the Kentucky

Derby that's a horse's name not saying that she looks like anything like no she actually kind of looks like Leah Thompson yeah no it's it's a weird name mayor of winning him or yeah it's a British television show maybe

but whatever like she's like oh blah blah blah you're using this dog no he explains the situation she's like well you know it's your dog got to take care of it and she doesn't she's not like hey man so what you want to do you want to feed this dog three times a day get this kind of dog food you want to leave water out you want to do this now she's like enjoy your dog flirt flirt guy who probably beat this dog flirt flirt this is like you have to call I mean I don't know is there an animal equivalent to

CPS like is that also animal controls problem it's like the veterinarian has to call somebody This dog comes in filthy as fuck mysteriously bleeding once again, just bleeding for no reason. It's the only other attractive 30-something person in this town. That's true. The only other available bachelor

at the time was old man Amos and he's been murdered. Let's say someone brings you a dog that could go either way. Maybe this dog is going to die and then, but if so, you got a little relationship out of it. Would you kill the dog for the relationship? Oh, probably.

not. But he, Hank would. Yeah. Tom Hank, absolutely. Tom Hank, Tom Hank, kill dog. Yeah. I mean, I would, I forgive her not telling about feeding it and all that. I just need her to tell him, he cannot understand what you're saying, you fucking idiot. Dude, at the end of this movie where he's like, all right, Hooge, you have to cover me a round back. Jesus Christ. Come on. It's just not that kind of a movie. fucking wings on the dog then it's a magic fucking realism you're fucking

stark at the end of the movie the dogs got wings you're fucking scooped me yeah you're right though he does because he's fucking murdered but unfortunately that dog went to hell well we should say we set up uh uh hooch's legacy because first thing he sees here is a sexy collie that he wants to fuck wow boca paca paca you wish you could go that far shocked fucking shocked we don't have that in this movie But it's definitely like girl dogs or collies, obviously, of all the time. Absolutely. Collies and poodles.

Because like Lassie was a girl, so that's, you know. That's all you need to know. At least some of the Lassies. I don't know what the casting situation was there. It was, you know, touch and going to television back in the day. You could cover a dog's penis. They were going through Lassies like nothing, right? Just like, another dog fell off the cliff.

Get another one from the truck. Going through like Kleenex these dogs. back in the day. This is Lassie 417. Ah, Jesus, Roger. You left the penclosure dog froze to death. Now we got to use another Lassie. You know, we're really over budget on Lassies this season.

All right, we're done with the season. Burn the wardrobe and the dog. We'll start with the new number next season. You know what was that? I know, all we got is a corgi. We'll just film it differently and look enough like Lassie. Wait, hold up. We need some sound effects on a Western picture,

so someone punch that dog and film the sounds. Look, the corgis are smaller. We can dispose of the corpses much more simply. Also, because the corgis are smaller, we have to make sets that are slightly larger to make it look like this works. Peter Jackson over here with a corgi. Oh, that would be smaller to make it work, actually, yeah.

The queen's dog, not when I'm done with them. It was always weird about, like, the Lassie show was every time the mom like would use the telephone it was a thing where like

she had to like make small talk with the operator before the call would be put through I can't imagine I just can't even imagine dealing with that

on top of your dog being a fucking nark yeah dude it's a shit existed I don't need to fucking mind it's business exactly oh so something's down the well

maybe it belongs there. Yeah, maybe I put it there. Yeah, exactly. June Lockhart. It's funny. Yeah, Lassie is always in towns with the local mafia. Oh, definitely.

Fucking Lassie. Fucking Lassie trying to drink up the fucking body. All right, legs. We got this big shipment of Coke coming through it. Wait, who's that driving the truck? It's Lassie. We're screwed. There's a Lassie movie that's like Yo Jimbo.

Lassie's playing both sides. I like this. Look, you put Ricky Ravioli on it. You take the dog. out. So we have the first night at home with the dog, and this is where we should point out, Tom Hanks, for the vast majority of this motion picture,

is not fully clothed. Yes. He's either got his shirt off or in many of the parts of this sequence is just wearing Speedo underpants. And I'm here for it. Oh, boy. This was weird. I mean, it's a sexy Tom Hanks.

We're a long way from Victor Nivorski. Yeah, quite a lot. ketchup packet in my pants. Did you know what I heard about that movie? I heard that he based that character off his father-in-law. And wouldn't you just be so ashamed and like if you were that father-in-law like, really? Fuck you, man. Fuck you.

That's me. This is what you think of me. Oh, this is what you think of me, father-in-law. I never eat ketchup. I hate ketchup. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. I hate ketchup. You know, I'm allergic to tomatoes.

We in airport, you tell, I do not eat Burger King. Ever, I tell you in airport, I never eat Burger King. I hate jazz music. My blues man. Do you think Rita Wilson's, like, they go to the premiere, like she didn't know what was going on, they go to the premiere, she's like, you fucking ass. An honor, an homage you called that. Really, really, Tom. That impression was for us, and now you're putting it in front of everyone.

I don't know about that But that would be hot as hell Right I eat your ketchup packet Oh yeah But then I am your father Oh man La la la la la la

What we were But he's yelling at the dog He's like What do you want? I gave you hamburgers I gave you orange juice I'm like The fuck are you giving a dog

Orange juice for you ape You're right There is a part where he just goes through a laundry list of like things I've already tried to give you and he's like oh there's nothing left of the house and you're just like this what? Here's the thing. This movie not realistic

and one the dog would just drop dead after all those chocolate chip cookies and beer but also like if you don't want to do that route at least this dog's got to be spraying shit all over this house. Everywhere. The diarrhea if you're giving this dog orange juice. And he's established as a neat guy like

where is him picking up shit? I need him picking up shit. You're totally right. Like when we get to the house obliteration, the movie is pretty much should be over because that's like where could the movie go after that? Nowhere. You know what I mean? It could happen again. Yeah, I guess so. Well, see, here's the thing.

If it did, right, you would have set up that this dog is capable of destroying a whole house. Tom Hanks could be distracting Mr. Boyette while inside the hideout, you know, hooch is just tearing this place to shreds. I like it. That would be something. That would be nice. And you know what you wouldn't have to do is shoot this dog straight through the heart. So he winds up

like he lets the dog in the house. There's a big and I remember that I do remember the scene as a kid was bringing down the house in the theater. It was like, this is not your room. And then he's like this is this is this is this is this is not your room. Really bringing down the house in the theater?

I just remember a huge laugh line. For this whole sequence where he's turned the light on and on. Well, I mean like for the height of like boomer comedy, of dog shit. We love dog. Dog noises. Dog stuff. See, look, that's Tim Allen.

Tim Allen. It's like, it literally is just a thing. It's all derived from dog stuff. Yes. Scooby-Doo. Yep. Classic dog inspiration. And I mean, honestly, like, I know everybody knows this.

But the fucking, he might as well be going to each room and going like, yeah, exactly. For all the dog fucking understand. To this movie's credit, there is a long dog, dog fart at the police station later on. I laughed. pretty hard at the dog park scene i will say it's not bad because the way that they play that is

they are trying it actually i'm thinking about it now it's got to chuckling it's pretty good but fuck this movie but they like the dog fucking cuts ass and it's so bad that like he may as well just shit all over the floor and they are trying to conduct a police investigation conversation while all like quietly acknowledging that it smells terrible and like that's what's fucking funny is like they're saying shit like it's not this but it's like the autops Popsie confirmed that, and while they're doing that, like, Craig T. Nelson's just, like, quietly opening a window. Reginald-Vil Johnson is, like, making a face and being like, yeah, I did interview that witness. She really didn't have anything to say.

It's kind of funny. It's the only successful scene in the movie. Flames crawling out of Tom Hanks' nose. Oh, you got the stink lines and everything. But, yes, and the next day he decides to, he brings a dog in, like, he's got some back area. And then he's like, all right, well, I guess I got to feed the dog. So this is what he goes to the dog. food store buys all this crap for

$93. This guy is taking him for a fucking ride which is hilarious. Oh, please. If this, if I have to deal with this piece of shit on a daily basis, I am taking him for a ride when he needs something from me. That is what's weird is I'm pretty sure that this is actually just a

grocery store that has an incredibly well-stocked pet section. It would be great if you walk past Elliot Gould looking for cat. Dude, that would be a fucking travesty because then you're just sitting there like, oh God, I wish I was watching that instead.

But I mean, that's the thing, dude, at least when Elliot Gould at the beginning of that movie he's like feeding that cat, whatever he's doing it, he's stoned out of his mind. It's to me, you know what I mean? He's like, I don't know, I got some fucking pizza. You want some pizza, baby. That's understandable.

Now, if you show me, make Tom Hank into some type of bad lieutenant type of figure. Exactly. You know, like unhinged on drugs. Blown rails. Penis flying all over the place. Yeah. So then it's cookies.

and hamburgers and eat shit dog. Well, yeah. Oh, fuck it. The the big celebratory dinner he gives him that at that one point. Yeah. It would kill seven dogs. That's the fucking widow maker right there. It's a pile of cookies over like kibble and beer.

It's a big dog. Yeah. It's invincible. Maybe with Beethoven where I actually are remembering like those dogs with the fucking beer barrels underneath their goddamn neck. St. Bernard's. Yeah. But this is, it's just a, it's a nice dog. It's a dog de Bordeaux.

And the funny thing about this dog, that was reading, like the main one, I guess there was a few dogs, but the main one that you see throughout most of the movie was only like 13 months old. Oh, wow. So those dogs get huge. Yeah. Which is kind of great because the puppy, this essentially still a puppy is massive. It's huge. And like, the thing is that it's funny we brought up the shit thing because the jowl fucking saliva is essentially code for a shit.

shit. It's not. It's nasty. You're not seeing any shit and piss everywhere, but you're seeing a lot of the slop. All the slop. Yeah. Just, just buckets a drool coming off this dog. Into the point where Tom Hank has to empty his shoes because they're full of drool. Yeah. It looks like somebody jizzed in his shoe. It looks like he got some prop come on your hands here. But yes, while he's doing this whole thing and buying this dog all this food, the dog destroys the house. And this is a humorous thing. It's humorous, but it's also like vindictive because this dog is like smashing China.

Yeah. Like when Tom Hank comes home, there's all these like teacups that are shattered at one point. I was like, what did you do that for? Unless you truly hate this guy. Of course.

This is what he loads his gun and is going to shoot this dog himself. After we can't, because like what's weird about this, we were talking about this last night. What's weird about this movie among many things is how truly

unhinged this Tom Hanks character is in like fits and starts in the grocery store when the woman is like oh it's $96 he flips out he starts screaming at her and he pulls out like a hot dog toy and he's like

well if I give this back what does that make it what? He's just screaming in this store for no reason all of his money is going to this house apparently so he's got he can't take it anymore he's stressed There should be a thing also

because he must be renting it otherwise there should have been shit in this movie about like the new homeowners or something and they see the dog trashing the place and want to like get out of the deal. That would be good because that would add something to the movie. Some type of attention to his life.

Yes. Well you need other characters that are funny. You know what I mean? There's no like I mean like Tom Hanks is doing has to do all the comedy work. But the dog is funny. The dog is funny. The dog is very funny. He doesn't have, like, and original Val Johnson can be funny, but he's not allowed to be. Craig T. Nelson can be funny.

He's not allowed to be. No. I did like the Craig T. Nelson scene when he's like, hey, uh, dickhead, you sent out for all this fucking DNA shit. Turns out that's expensive. Dude, that's kind of great. It's a weird, like, our department's never dealt with this before. So we don't know how much this shit costs or whatever. And DNA was just invented, too.

That's right. Yeah. It's just weird, though, because it's like, well, if it helps the case, shouldn't you do it? Shouldn't you do it, Craig T. Nelson? I don't know. You Democrats want to defund the police. You can't do this. Can't do both, Andrew. You can't do both. I would do it under any other circumstances, but to bother a fish factory like that.

I can't on my conscience. So he meets up with who gets kicked out of the house. He meets up with the collie. By the way, Tom Hank also helps destroy his own house by kicking a fucking soccer ball through the window. Oh, right. That's hilarious. Yeah, I kind of like that. I'm sorry.

No, but he winds up going back to Merwinningham's house, and this is when he goes into her house and she's like, oh, you know, like, why don't you hang out for a bit? He's like, well, he didn't finish painting. And he just starts painting her house. Dude, no, this is some fucking dommer shit. Absolutely. This is like I'm getting some late night action type of thing.

Like, I'm not leaving your house until I do your chores. But that's even worse, though, because they paint and they flirt or whatever. And he's like, oh, and she's like, you want to go for a walk? He's like, well, I can't go for a walk. Because if we go for a walk, you're going to be like, we're going to, I'm going to like you even more. And then you're going to like me even more. And then, you know, three months later, going to be calling me a selfish bastard.

And I'm like, what the fuck is wrong? And then four months later, your head's in my refrigerator. Just. Bada, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, da. Just, here's the thing, just 69 with her. Oh, a bit. That's all she, she's not talking about. falling in love. She's a lonely

doctor, a lonely animal doctor at that. She just wants to get some dick. Jump to the 69. Interesting. I wouldn't even say, look, hand stuff on the swinging love seat on the porch. Some heavy pattern. Show me something in this movie. Show them fucking

make out. I mean, they at least do have sexual intercourse in this movie. They don't show it. They don't, but like, they do show them, like, about to make that omelet, but then it's like, the horniness consumes them once again and they're about to fuck and then like he has this epiphany about the case and I dude I was like lay her and then go figure this out because it's the middle of the night anyway yeah and that just leads to the like the pointless stakeout scene with him

and the dog that almost have second come on your fucking tom hanks in this movie what is it going to take 20 minutes mayor winningham asks him in that alma scene how's your back and I'm like Holy shit, what was going on? Did you notice the scratch marks on the other than you? Chelsea made a good point. She was like, maybe that was Hooch that did that? Yes, I think so. If not Mayor Winningham, man.

Now we're talking. He had sex with both of them. The dog was just four play chief. They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with them all. We had to arrest Tom Hank. He screwed the pooch. But instead of like going on that

walk that one night. He goes home and he's like, well, now as good a time as I need to give this dog a bath. And this is where it is the closest cinema has come to seeing Tom Hanks's taint. Yeah, he's so almost naked. It's kind of like he is spread eagle trying to get this dog in the bathroom and he's bent over. I was like, I've never seen Tom Hanks like this. They're both wet. I mean, the back cheeks are sculpted. Like it really must be saying like, he's doing some squats, even like compared to the Philadelphia area this is hot stuff well yeah I mean

Philadelphia isn't exactly hot film come on I mean he looks good at it yeah come on for the beginning parts so you know so yeah this is we get to the scene where he brings the dog to the police station he's in the office that's where he cuts the fart and whatnot

and then like there's a wedding across the street yes filled with more you know the most criminals at a wedding since a godfather movie this whole it's so farcical right the like the chance that the criminal is having a giant wedding across the street from a police department

I think that's a weird product of like we're supposed to understand that this is an incredibly small town sure that also just has this crime syndicate in it I mean you're right I mean it's just like this is the entire ending this is how the movie ends is this guy happened to book the town gazebo

for the wedding I guess that I would buy more into that the fact that it's just the small town thing if they made more of a point, but like he knows Boyette. Like they've known each other a while. He just meets Boyette for the first time. Well, that's a thing. If it was a small town, that'd be interesting if they knew every, knew more people. I guess he only knows the old people, which is weird.

What is he getting into? Is he a granny shagger? He might be a granny shagger hanging, you know, scoping for tail of the VFW, dude. The old muffin lady. And then the, I just wanted to give you a. to celebrate what you did to my muffin. Oh, man. For my number one muff diver.

Come back with me to room 237. And maybe the old man, too. The other night, me, Amish, and that young cop went to town. Oh, the pleasure. Marie, when I tell you, it was hours before I came up for air. Oh, girl. Oh, the ghost. of my dead husband was jerking off in the corner.

It was like being in a car wash, but there was no soap or water. That's right, Marie. I cucked a ghost. You stay there, ghost, while my ass is being eaten. You know that has to have happened. Absolutely.

Old people get visions like that. That's a fucking history channel special. A ghost watched my ass be eaten. Oh, Scotty, nice face, mind if I shit on it. Here's muffin, my number one ass eater. Don't be afraid to get into those wrinkles real good. Straighten them out. Oh, come on.

With your tongue, your young tongue. Wife. So anyway, the heavy character is taking photographs at the wedding. Huch sees him out the windows to its barking. running runs down. It's a big chase. Tom Hanks commandeers this dude's car at one point. This guy Ernie.

This guy's been in a bunch of stuff. He's played a character named Ernie multiple times. Sure. But you can see him coming up, or maybe, I don't know, whenever this episode airs, it might already be out. The new totally great Nicholas Cage film Pig, there's a scene in that movie where Nicholas Cage very calmly, very grounded, completely destroys the. this guy's life just by talking to him

and it's incredible. Oh wow. Absolutely good. This guy gets fucking it's the most like level-headed dressing down you will ever see in a movie. It's fucking great. And it's this Ernie character. Can't wait to see it. Well, I love, I mean, it's one of those things where this is supposed to be a joke because it's like, this is my mom's

car. I'm like, I just need more than that. You know what I mean? Like it needs to be, it's my mom's car and like they fuck, they destroy it, but they don't. It's like, oh no, you're going too fast. It's like, that's not enough. He should drive it into the water. Exactly. And nor like, you know, eggs get all over it or something.

Yeah, it goes through like a farmer's market and whatnot. Detective Turner, please. This is my mom's car and I still haven't disposed of the body in the trunk. That would be something. So he's like, okay, now they have a license plate. They have an idea who this guy is. And he goes up to, he's like, oh, he was working for Boyette, that guy who runs the fishery down there.

And this is when Kirk T. Nelson is like, well, I guess my buddy Boyette will let us just look inside of his place. I'm like, nah, dude, you need a warrant. You need a warrant to come inside. Craig T. Nelson gets a, he gets a search warrant. Yeah, because Tom Hanks is like, hey, listen, this is the deal. We think something fishy's going on in Boyette's

place. I didn't mean to do that, but I'll say that I did. But, yeah, and then he's like, he's like, well, too, I think we need a search warrant for that. Because he's just screaming through this whole movie. And Craig T. Nelson It's a weird, he's like, well, yeah, I think

I can arrange that. Like, he does get one. So there's the initial church. And then later on, he just shows up again without a warrant with the dog.

Correct. That's the one where he throws it in a famed character actor Jim Beaver's face. Like, dude, Jim Beaver in this movie, couldn't believe it. Yeah, Ellsworth from Deadwood, fantastic actor.

He's just like, what? Okay. I guess you can just do whatever you like then. Yeah, because he's like, he's like, well, I don't know if Mr. Boyett would sign on for this.

And he's like, Tom Hanks is like, oh, well, Mr. Boyant's, told me that it was fine and you know they go in jim beaver also he's the dude in breaking bad who sells mike the cleaner all those guns yeah he rules yeah he's fucking totally great but yeah i mean like sort of the end of this movie is like he's like all right i'm gonna go now that he's been taken off the case for whatever reason it's like i'm gonna go rogue here and he goes to the motel and this is when the movie like just takes a sharp turn into an action movie like canine at the very least is kind of an action movie the whole time yeah you know what

mean like that and that's what kind of makes that movie work this is like it's been dog farting you know what I mean and now all of a sudden like he goes to this like uh sluzy motel and he's like tell me where you know Zach Gregor is or whatever he's like I won't and he just shoots at this dude and like Tom Hanks just shoots at this guy I'm like what movie am I watching it's so weird and like the way that they film him there's a lot of like red light like in the CD motel office or whatever and Tom Hanks is like really being nasty to this guy and you're like This is a completely different movie and a completely different character. Once again, he's a maniac cop.

I would honestly so prefer just like him talking about, yeah, you want to fuck glassy, don't you? Yeah, you want to put it to it. Like, just go Jim Belushi, do it. Just talk to about the dog, how you want to fuck the dog. Question about, because right before the whole motel thing is the stakeout, which also comes right after the fucking. Like he goes from the fucking and he's like, oh, I got it.

and they do the steakout and talk about just killing time. In a movie. Yeah, this steakout is just him talking to this dog. I don't know if some of it's like Tom Hanks ad-libbing or whatever. But there's one part where like, like Hooch,

he's like, oh, Hooch, I bought you some snacks too for the steak out and he's giving him treats. And then Tom Hanks starts eating one. Yeah. What the fuck?

In the very next, like they cut and it's like the next moment of this thing, he's acting super stoned. And I was like, is this some bit where Scooby Snacks? Yeah, it's like THC cookie treats or something like because he for this one part

like this one bit of that steakout scene he's clearly acting stoned for no reason and then it cuts and he's fine again. I don't understand what that was supposed to be. I think he's detached from reality. Because he's been fucking ratat-tatting with this dog all night.

Dog is saying nothing by the way because dog say nothing. There is also a line like Oh, it tastes like health food. Uh-huh. That's a nice dig. Yeah, totally. So you guys...

Take that trying not to die of heart disease, you pig. Any of you guys ever eat any dog or cat food or anything? You try it out? No, but I remember, I definitely... And this will tell you how fucking irresponsible this movie is. It's definitely what I watched it. I was like, what those speak good? Like for a minute, I was like, wait a minute.

What does manning good? I never tried it. I never have. I never have, but I had a friend growing up who he's a neighborhood friend. he'd come over to the house and we had two big dogs and so my dad would buy like the fucking Sam's Club

like massive container of dog little like just biscuits this motherfucker would just be over at the house eating them. Eat them? It was disgusting. Those things are pretty thick. You could crack a tooth on the bigger ones.

I mean the tiny ones coming out is going to be a real problem. These were like no they were like little like they were shaped like little bones but they were just like baked cracker. They weren't like raw hide or anything. No, but even still, those milk bones are like, they're sharp. They're sharp crumbs man coming on out.

Is that right? You know, they shattered bad. I never shit out of milk bones, dude. I've stepped on them and I'm like, ouch, that hurts. That's the same thing. Well, the bottom of my foot is a lot less sensitive than my asshole. But you got the, good point. But in your body, you got all the belly acid.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. That helps soften. But this guy, man. And it was the kind of thing. where it was like multiple flavors like in the container. Sure. This motherfucker tried them all right in front of my face.

That's insane. That's like a kid thing trying to impress somebody. Oh, yeah. Not me. I wasn't impressed. I was disgusted. 20 years later, you're telling all these people. The milk bone boy.

Well, it was a cautionary tale. If you have a friend like that, you got to drop that. Put them down. Put them down indeed, dude. Yeah. You want to be a dog? I'll treat you like a dog. Here, have some outbo.

No, out of the bowl. On the floor. Have some death serum. You with this death serum. Do you think it's in a big can or like? Yeah. Well, I imagine it's in a bag. Brandex.

You know, it's two different serums when they have to do that, unfortunately. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Is that, is it like a time thing? No, one's like some knockout juice and then the other's like a heart stopper. Is that what we do for? I'll take some of the knockout juice.

put me down for some of the knockout juice. So we got one knockout juice. Two heart stoppers for me. So I guess this is similar to how we put down people in this country, right? Yeah. Because the United States, capital punishment, still here, folks. Capital punishment was still here, yet we fucking ran circles trying to put Kvorki in

in jail. I don't understand it. I don't get it at all. I think that guy's a hero. Hero. I'm on that one. I agree. Yeah.

Kaczynski, no, I'm kidding. But he gets captured by Gregor here. And the joke is, because earlier in the movie, we're supposed to think he's a real pansy because he uses a seatbelt all the time. This is actually kind of great. Yes. The movie totally telegraphs it,

but even still, exquisite. Because the guy's like, oh, you're putting on your seatbelt. That's not going to keep you safe for me because I got a gun. Yeah. Yeah. And then he fucking just runs into like some sort

column or something, some cement something or other. Some barrier, yeah. This motherfucker just goes right through the windshield. Which is cool, but him just like hitting a concrete fence outside the motel felt a little anti-climatic. Also, what if you actually, you could actually

kill this piece of shit doing this? What are you going to do? And or break your both of your legs. Like, yeah, congratulations. You're not going to go through the thing, but you're still a traction. Tell me what you know. Oh, he's dead. He's fucking dead. Oh, boy. All of a sudden, like, Tom Hanks turns into fucking Dom Toreto.

Yeah. It's just like fucking ridiculous. So it's like a third Tom Hanks in this movie. And the dog is biting his neck to get information. I would have liked it. You know what? This guy killed Hooch's master, killed Hootch's Amos friend. Huch should get the kill here.

Yes. Hoog, you know what it should be, Steve, is Tom Hanks is like, all right, Huch, we got the info. Let's get out of here. And then, like, Hooch kind of, like, looks up and he still has a. fucking like chomper's over this dude's throat and he goes, not to go Turner. And fucking just eats the throat out of this dude's

fucking neck. All right, let's get out of here. Hooch my gun! No! And Hooch the dude's I heard a metallic squink. You know you're right about the neck biting. He does like two fake out neck bites in this movie, right? Yeah.

He needs a real one. I need to see blood and sinew being removed from a man's body. I want that thing empty down. I want a watermelon rind, whereas next one's like, just fucking empty it. It's just so much blood because, you know, people have a lot of blood, especially you cut the throat like that. So then Tom Hanks is just doing his, oh my God, what are you doing?

He's falling down in blood, trying to get up and keeps falling down and more blood. Dude, and then at the end of this movie, Hooch just looks like Kujo at the end. He's completely covered. He goes back to Merri Winnihan. She's like, oh, my God, the dog's pudding. That's not the dog's blood. yeah then

Special effects by Tom Savini It would rule I would have liked to have seen It's a better movie We'll see what Disney Plus does Yeah maybe Josh Peck is having this dog Eat people Yeah that'll be something

I'm gonna tell you something here Mayor Winningham Post throat eating shits Not so pretty And not so tight packed This dog's been shitting out trachea for days. Then the end of this movie turns into LA confidential for a hot minute.

Like when Craig T. Nelson shows up. He's like, oh, I called all the backup. They're on their way. Yep. Dude, Craig T. Nelson pulling the shotgun on Tom Hanks kind of badass. Here's my question about this, though. I mean, it's because it's complete bullshit. I guess it's not really a question, but like the end of this movie, like,

to facilitate the stupid twist of like Craig T. Nelson was in on it the whole thing. time, it means that for whatever reason, I guess, like Tom Hanks doesn't call Reginald Val Johnson? Yes. What are you doing? He's the one you trust. It's so ridiculous. Like,

it's Reginald Val Johnson. I'm sorry. He's fucking awesome. He's in this movie up until the very, the climax action. Literally the end. Like the button on the movie also involves Reginald Val Johnson. Yeah, the very ass end. You're forgetting. He cannot do his job. Yes. The one black character in this

movie cannot do his job. Make sure you know that. I mean, here's the thing. At least Reginal Val Johnson wasn't crooked. That would be devastating for me. It's a movie where Reginald Val Johnson is the villain and a dog is murdered. I'd have to turn it off. I don't know. If Reginald Val Johnson just shot that dog in their head, it would change your perception of Regal. I thought that dog had a ray gun. Then I think Turner Ooch takes over K-9. I think that's the trick. But no, you know, this is where you know, actually

like, you know, Craig T. Nelson's pretending that he's on Hanks's side, but Hanks knows immediately that he's crooked and Hanks disarms Craig T. Nelson pretty quickly. Yeah, it's like something out of tombstone. He fucking flips this gun around. It's pretty nuts. He's got the shotgun, but then Boyette shows

up, gets a drop on him. Is this guy Boyette anybody? Because like, you know, he's in the prophecy plays that old beat cut. that is like, oh, shit, really? Yeah, he's just one of those character actor dudes. Way better in the prophecy.

This character is nothing. It's absolutely nothing. It's just like the bad guy until you find out, Craig T. Nelson is the bad guy. We need a parlor scene with him. Like, I'm going to go up to Mr. Boyette's office and talk to him and I got the dog

and the dog is now eating his fish tank or going crazy. Yeah, that'd be fun. Something. Anything. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. The parlor scene is four lines of, Mike D. Nelson being like something, something, South America.

But I came back from Vietnam, I think. Oh, yes. That's right. Yeah. He was doing that like American gangster coffin thing or something. Isn't that exactly what lethal weapon is too? Like they all came out after Vietnam. See, the thing is like, Vietnam was like going to prison. You all came out like criminals no matter what. Yeah. You knew everything. Yes. And you were really into the drug trade. Yes. But yeah. So this is when we've talked to. about it a bunch, but Boyette shoots

Hooch in the chest. As this dog is jumping down off of a thing, like in slow motion, to save Tom Hank life. Yeah, saving his life. Tom Hank life. Save Tom Hank life. And here's the thing. Like,

all right, you want to kill this dog. Yes, I do. For whatever reason, you think like it will make the movie better or whatever. Okay. But you know what? Let's just have the sliver, the tiniest little sliver of fucking class, and not show a squib go off on a fake dog.

Disagree. It's kind of funny. Well, it's just the one, like he's using like a pistol or something. I would like a fucking shotgun. You see this fucking dog flip in the air and fly across the room. It's like a John Wu movie with a pooch spiraling in the fucking... Some doves come out of him. I would love it if it was like, yeah, he gets shot.

in the shoulder like an action movie kind of thing. I think it's shot again. But no, but the dog gets shot and I mean like to your point dude it's like in canine the dog gets shot but you see it sort of like it's a different angle like you just sort of

like you know no squibs to be found and the dog's shot and that movie was dancing around danger this movie's just been farting in a house exactly so you get shot and boy it gets shot and this is what like Craig T. Nelson's doing this thing's like well the only way that

anyone's going to believe that I'm not crooked is if we both walk out of here alive and just talk you know you say that now you're in on it for some reason like this isn't going to work I don't understand the thing is Craig T Nelson the way to get away with this is you fucking kill Tom Hacks

and you say that Boyette did it and you fucking shot Boyette you departed on him man Anthony Anderson everybody gets shot in the head the dog man that fucking elevator scene to this day yeah shocking departed James Badge Dale

man nobody saw him coming that dude one of the most unsung actors working right now James Badge very solid now guys we were dancing around canine a lot in this episode I just want to point it out to people that it was the episode seven of this podcast holy shit back in like early

2011 that's right so on the Patreon archive you can find it there 550 something episodes yeah look at that because we've been around forever Chris I've been around for quite some time Eric didn't we do the second Kyn movie also. K9P.

Oh, right. Or is that the third one? We did K911. K911. K911. I think we did K911. Did we not do PI? Well, we never did K9PI. We should. Yeah. Okay. Episode 83 is K911 also in the Patreon archive. We should do K9PI. Is that the one with the microchips? No, I think that's K911 because that's also the one. That's the one of the towers. The insane, like there's a park scene where there's like this wild shootout going on. And K9-11, you see the dog's dick in that one. Yeah, very openly. There's been a lot of time

on the dog's dick time. I'm actually, you know what? We're like, you know, 90 plus minutes in this episode. Haven't talked about it at all. Good for us, by the way. Let's not get carried away. But I would be remiss if we did not touch on the fact this dog's penis is all over this movie.

Is it really? Oh my God, this fucking honking monster this thing's gone. I didn't really notice The monster. Yeah, I didn't see this. What? Am I the only perv this week? I think you might. You might be the one. Here's the thing. This dog is packing heat Not for nothing with this fucking speedo going on.

Confirmation. Tom Hanks is back. Oh, sure. Unless he's being, you know. Welcome home, Rita Wilson. Let's Tom's have any hooked him up down there. Come on, sex machine. Give me a fake junk. But while Craig T. Nelson is trying to, you know he's about to kill Tom Hanks anyway.

But the dog, this got me a laugh. Because the dog, it's a poor little dog actor who's like pretending to be sleeping, bleeding from the chest like crawling. Like, I gotta save Tom Hanks. Someone's got to be in Apollo 13. Ah, yeah, he bites Craig T. Nelson on the leg. Craig T. Nelson's distracted. Tom Hanks fucking totally ices him.

You don't see, I mean, and that's the thing is you see the dog get it. You don't see Craig. I want to see Craig T. Nelson's back open up. Absolutely. Absolutely. Like fucking Ed Harris in history of violence. Yeah. I just needed to be like,

Rha-ha-ha-ha-go down. Tom Hanks is covered in the back spray. Oh, he falls into a fucking fish tank. The whole thing. Boyette. And then he goes into Boyette. Who's dead? Anyway, puts a shotgun right to his nose.

Sure. This is for Hooch. Yep. Spray closed casket. Now you. Now you just says closed casket. Don't give him the dignity, man, of the open casket. No, I do.

I want to hear him to say, close casket. Or like, or you make them into fish food. You take the little flakes that come off from the shotgun blast and you throw them in a fish. Let me tell you, if I was going up against these criminals and whatnot and one of them killed my dog, I'd skin these motherfuckers and make them chum. I absolutely would

I'd be too lazy I'd just blow their face off that this seems yeah freaking easy then Tom Hanks is driving to the vet you're gonna be okay

sing the fucking song Are you a dog doctor Are you a dog doctor Before we get there here You need your strength I cut off their penises eat it I know

I know we could have saved you if I didn't cut them off each individually but I had to do it. So he brings this fucking dog to Mayor Winningham help me save this dog. She's doing her. You watch this dog

die, bleed out on the fucking table. You watch this dog's eyes close. Merwinningham's like, he's lost a lot of blood. I'm like, you know what? Not this movie. I thought Tom Hank was going to do a transfusion or something. So you take some of a mind, do it. my human blood and put it in him.

And let me tell you, you know, I think the character that he plays here is fucking despicable, but Tom Hank is great actor. Yes. And you know, he's fucking talking to this dog on the table and he's like, you're going to be all right, champ. And she's like, you know, he lost a lot of blood, you know, and he's

like, it's all right. You're going to be right. Just, just and I'm like, this was billed and sold as a children's. What was the laugh situation? The fucking theater then, see? Well, that's the weird thing. have blocked this out from trauma. Of course you don't remember it at all.

I don't remember a lot when I was six. I don't remember when I was six, FYI. But no, I just don't know. I just, I don't remember the end of this movie. When it happened last, I was like, oh shit, this dog's dying. I kept thinking of canine. Again, canine, it's cute because the dog gets shot. You don't see the vet operate.

And then they come in and the dog looks to be dead. And like, oh, man, Jerry Lee, I can't believe it. Oh, geez. And then the dog's eye opens. It's really cute. And the whole joke is like he keeps making all these promises. And it's adorable. It's a fun little seat.

Not like this dog's literally dead forever, kids. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Tom Hanks can make you cry. Jim Belushi ain't making you cry. No, it makes you cry for different reasons. Yes, from laughter. But here's the thing, though, on top of this, this fucking traumatic thing, poor children in theaters and whatnot.

I mean, I watch this as a 37-year-old man for the first time. I was devastated. I can't even imagine. but this movie then does the final indignity of like you know Tom Hank flash forward whatever Tom Hanks coming home from work he's now the chief of police he's the chief of police he's married to mayor winning ham there's collie puppies going on and Tom Hanks we're doing lady in the tramp horse shit which is annoying yeah of course because there's some of yeah there's some hooch variety and there's yeah right but you don't see the hooch variety and Mayor Winningham is like, he's going crazy again, he's upstairs. Yes. And in the minds of these fucking children watching this movie in 1989 or this 37-year-old man watching it last night.

I'm pointing to myself, I'm like, oh, the dog made it. And the movie thinks that it's fine that when Tom Hank opened door, it's a little, it's like a hooch puppy. Yeah. The dog that was murdered is still murdered. Like it's a fucking fake out It gives you hope and then takes it away This movie is cruel as fuck It's a different kind of hope

But I do love the like Roger Spottis Would definitely didn't think ever That the fucking final image of this cute puppy Fucking hooch was going to be met by Andrew Drewper With fuck you Fuck you See it's a beautiful message Because you finally know that the dog

Came inside that other dog Yes of course That's what we need And that's what all the kids in the audience are like, oh, thank God. It's just stunning. It's one of those things we always say, right? It's like so many people had to say yes.

So many people were like, you know what Spottiswood? Great idea. I can't even imagine. And the people that touch stone pictures all the way up to fucking, you know, Eisner himself looking at this shit. That's totally fine. Put it out. Tom Hanks, at least in the IMD trivia,

and said like, yeah, I guess that movie probably would have done better if he didn't kill the dog at the end. It's kind of like, yeah, maybe. It's kind of insane. Also, just because of the sequels. You know, you could have maybe done.

they're taking down someone else now and the dog is there. Because then he's actually, that great idea, right? Because then he becomes, that's the end of the movie. He becomes a police dog. Exactly. K-9 and a half and now his little puppy comes along on the ride-along. Totally.

Test screenings ruin it again. See? Like they just listen to it too closely. It's just, it's such a fucking douchebag excuse of like, well, the people thought it was fine. Fuck you. Have some independent thought.

I love it. I mean, it's terrible. It's a terrible end. It's amazing that they did it this way. Yeah. It's, I'll never get over it. I'll never not be dumbfounded at that decision. I mean, there are some, clearly,

over the decades of this medium, some really dumb studio decisions. This is up there. It's up there. I know you think I'm fucking crazy. You're all looking at me like I'm a fucking asshole, but I'm not. This movie is cruel and terrible,

and everybody involved should have went to prison. Except Mayor Winningham. She tried to save him. You're not recommended it. No, this movie can fucking die, dude. Would anybody else recommend it? Because that is the end of the movie. No, there's nothing here.

I mean, again, it's so sparse. Even the dog comedy stuff isn't there. You needed more comedy in this film to make it even worthwhile and or more action and you get neither. And I do think it's a dumb decision to kill the dog. I'm with you on that, although it is kind of hilarious to watch a dog. I'm always a fan of a dog puppet. I like the dog dying. Listen, like, when it's called for, like in something like a man's best friend

where it's clearly, like, silly town, sci-fi monster thing, fine. Sure. You grow to love this dog. And, like, it's not even a thing where you can make an argument that it teaches children anything about anything. Well, ideally your dog will be shot by Craig D. Nelson. Ideally. Just, I mean, I would just

by nature not want Craig T. Nelson near my dog anymore just, but yeah, I don't, I, this is a very bad movie, I don't recommend it. I definitely have to say, I watched it, I definitely watched it a few times when I was a kid to a point where I remembered scenes, like, vividly. Did you have this on VHS? Oh, yeah,

for sure. This was definitely part of the Willcabin Horde. Oh, sure. It's his swashbuckling days at the fucking Columbia House. Best, the best of that empire took all that gold back to Spain with him. There might have been two copies of this piece of shit for all.

But yeah, don't see it. Don't see it. Yeah, it's not a recommend for me either. I will say I liked it better than 101 Dalmatians. Because here you can see that the dogs can get hurt and that's reassuring for mortality reasons.

I think, you know, my well-documented now beef with the end of this movie aside it's not funny. Tom Hanks clearly doesn't want to be doing this movie. Everything else around it is so ill written and thin. Like, it's just bad.

And you know, the other thing is, we didn't talk about this. I didn't get the list of names. But like, do you guys notice of the opening credit? There's like five or maybe six screenwriters here. Five or six screenwriters and four editors. Oh, is that? Oh, I missed that part. Four editors.

What was this a five-hour cut of Turner and Hooch? Did we see all of the fucking family? Craig T. Nelson actually comes back to life, goes to Mayor Winningham's house, chops up the dog's dead body. That was the thing. And that's what took two hours extra. That just that scene. He makes Tom Hanks eat it.

Well, we certainly ate it this week. That is Turner & Hoot from 89, directed by Roger Spottiswood. If you would like more We Hate Movies, of course, check out patreon.com slash we hate movies. We got a lot going on there this month. We currently are rocking a WLM on Iron Moons. Iron Man, man. That's a real fun one. We also got a animation damnation on The Mummy, the Animated Series. Oh, you guys remember that? Because no one else does, including the people who made it.

If you want to watch along with us on that one, it is on Peacock. Yeah. It's terrible. You got to gleepe this month. We gleep this month. Yes, we are, well, we're continuing on the story of Ken. The great Star Wars character of Ken, those of you who are subscribers, know that we talked about him last month and

Ken's adventures. So this month we're talking about his father, Trichlops, who is a three-eyed mutant offspring of Emperor Palpatine. Here's the thing. They're talking about whatever the next trilogy is going to be for Star Wars and whatnot. I don't know, man. The fucking Ken saga, it's right

there. Yeah, you're looking for cheap stuff. Just can't. I'm going to spend much. Yeah, of course we're always doing that. We also of the Nexus, Star Trek Recap show. And we also have Melro 2-1-0 another great installment coming out

of that one. And if you didn't catch it last month, still obviously available of course for your enjoyment, the Jackassmentary. Listen to Chris Cabin and cackle at the three of us writhing in pain watching that movie. It really was wonderful. And our once in a lifetime show where we talk about

lifetime movies. In August, we're going to have a new one. It's very exciting. But we already have episodes on stalked by my doctor and death of a cheerleader, and that's the original death of the cheerleader. I know they made a 2019 one to confuse some folks. And on that $10 too, just since we're talking to old stuff, the Snyder cut.

We got four hours of the Snyder cut on there. That's right. Yeah, the three part special we did, titled the Snyder Sessions. We do a lot. I can't even remember the name of some of the shit we do. But, of course, that's all Patreon. And on the main feed here, the show will continue next week.

As always, next Tuesday, Steve, what are we talking about? To commemorate old, M. Night Shyamalan's old, old, for old man. We'll talk about the village. Ooh. I'm interested about this. I haven't rewatched it since theaters. And I have a feeling my tune might be changing next week. Oh, interesting.

I don't know. Because I'm getting soft in my old age, you guys. Yeah. I mean, actual directors who are doing somewhat original stuff, you just kind of like, maybe they're good. That's the thing. when you go back now, after all the marvelification and Disneyification of it all, when you watch shit like that, you're just like, oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, that's how Speed Racer became a modern masterpiece. As everybody's like, it's just fucking dry out here, people. I watched that movie a while ago, The Village. It's a solid two and a half. It's right in the middle. It's not exactly good. It's not exactly bad. There's some nice shots.

It's kind of stupid. I'm well sure. So we'll have fun. There we go. So until next week, when we're getting kind of stupid with everyone, Night's the Village. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy. Thank you.