We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 559 - The Village

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

On this week's episode, the gang is chatting about M. Night Shyamalan's ruined-by-the-twist fantasy drama, The Village! See what happens when you're pressured into producing twist, after twist, after twist?! What were they thinking with that Adrian Brody character? And was Brendan Gleeson's character sneaking out for fast food? PLUS: The gang pitches what this film should've been and urges M. Night to write and direct it! The Village stars Sigourney Weaver, William Hurt, Joaquin Phoenix, Bryce Dellas Howard, Adrien Brody, Brendan Gleeson, Cherry Jones, Celia Weston, John Christopher Jones, Frank Collison, Jayne Atkinson, Judy Greer, Fran Kranz, Michael Pitt, and Jesse Eisenberg; directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

this week on the program the twist is it's pretty stupid it's the village i'm andrew jupin stephen fadak that's with all those old-timey s's that looks like f's oh nice yeah eric stupitska chris cabin jesus christ and we hate movies Hello, everyone, Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right, the summer blockbuster extravaganza pulls into M. Night Shyamalan town. We're talking the village from Aught 4.

Raise a hand seen in the theaters. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This was still... Everyone. This was still when he was like appointment, appointment viewing. Absolutely. You had to go and see the latest M. Knighter. He's the next Spielberg, don't you know? He's the one. He's the mantle. And the next Hitchcock and whatever other director we remember. Yeah, whatever. All of them. The fincher, the next Sotomberg. Not enough. W.D. Griffiths.

Not enough sex stuff, though, to be the next Brian DePaul. No, no, no. Not the next Gasper, no way. Or even like, oh, man, that guy, you see that guy over there, he's the next Polansky. Look out. Just honestly, just fucking, what, dude, lock your doors. That guy is the next Polansky. Here's the thing for, like, all you, like, budding film writers out there,

film critic writers, not screenwriters. Like, never, like, pronounce someone as the next whoever. No, no. Just let that person be the whoever they. are because, like, you're saying shit like that. How is this poor bastard supposed to live up to those mantles? It's to get little dummies excited about movies.

It's like, don't you dummies like Spielberg? He's the next Spielberg, you fucking dummies. Now, like, but he was at this time, like, signs, I was a little bit of a falter. Six cents and unbreakable are like kind of perfect in my book. I actually like signs.

I don't like this one. By the way, it's okay to like this movie. It's okay to like all of his movies. Don't tweet at me. this is when the wheels start to wobble though even if you like this the first time through I don't think it's much I think it's possible to like it the second time through but like even then like I was like

this kind of sucked you posited this off the air Steven I think you're you're right you know I'm presuming if you're listening to this you've seen it before if you care about this twist I guess maybe see the movie before listening

this episode but like let's get this out of the way now all right this is a movie where it's like supposedly set the 19th century, they're in this, like, you know, a secluded village kind of a situation. And then, uh-oh, it turns out it's actually present day. William Hurt is this son of a billionaire who has financed this massive nature preserve because they're all these like victims of like extreme tragedy that are trying to like get away from society. Extreme crime tragedy. Crime crime. Crime. Crime. Yeah, violent crime tragedy. White flight to the point of you're doing colonial Williamsburg. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Dude. Like, I am.

so scared about like societal violence. I got to go churn my own butter. What I don't understand about how did nobody write about the maniac going into the nature preserve? Well, how did they chate it? I don't believe it. No, no, no. There's a there's a throwaway line like towards the end of the movie where I believe

it's William heard somebody in one of those voiceovers mentions like, oh, it got out. Or like maybe it's M. Knight when he's talking to the other park range at the end of the movie. When M. Night Chalon explains the movie while lazily. reading the paper? Yes. It's somewhere in there where he's like, oh, at one point, reporters got word and it was a huge thing. I think it's a thing where people do know. Yeah. And it's just heavily guarded and whatnot. No, no, no. What got out when M. Knight Shyamalan explains the movie to you, he's like, yeah, you know, we got to be careful because remember a couple years ago when there was that

report that this preserve was paying people off to keep planes out of here? Oh, right. That's what that's because somebody was like somebody was like oh man what about the planes who gives the shit yeah yeah because that's like i'm covering my bases that's why they didn't see airplanes these giant metal birds in the sky but it would be interesting if they read like the twist happens and it's kind of whatever and they kind of just finish the movie but if we really explored that of William uh hurt hunt hurt Lucius hunt is throwing me uh get into that like new age Like this is like a Jones town 100% is a cult situation

I would rather just see a movie about him starting this thing Or even just like full Full swing like maybe 15, 20 minutes And you find out And then the rest of it is him like Trying to keep this fucking lie going That's exactly right dude

The speaking of the wheels falling off Like the fucking thing starts crumbling around him There's a lot of infighting He's got to kill somebody He's like I never wanted to do this But exactly what this is great or good What this movie is actually Is a much larger

Dumber Dog tooth. Yes. You know, and like the infighting that happens in that movie between like the husband and the wife and the whole, like, you could totally explain it, but I feel like that's the thing, right? I was saying this off the year, like, the pressure to be like, well, you've had

three movies that have had like twists to some degree in all of them. Like, you have to do it in here. And then because of that, you're like sacrificing a really cool idea as like just this tiny 15 minute twist at the end. I mean, that's what I want. I really have to, one

or if it was him that decided this had to be a twist or if it was a studio thing like you're the twist master baby yes you're big baby twist let's fucking get you out there let's put another twist on what is essentially like a melodrama it is it is

it's the seriousness it's very serious but it's also like I still can't get over them trying to replicate this society it's like you're starting over these kids are born into it they're not going to know jack shit from nothing right why do you really need to put your wife in that dress exactly exactly do we have to talk um hi william this is a great plan do we have to talk like assholes the whole time yes absolutely and that's it

kills me because there are scenes in this so that like you know the society as it is a structure where like there are the elders which are the people that started this social experiment slash cult and then all of their like progeny that have been born since right since like the 1970s there are so many moments in this movie, like there's scenes between like William Hurd and Sigourney Weaver where I'm like, I would just be dropping that talk. Yes, you know, absolutely. I'd be talking

and it's like you're sacrificing logical things like that in service of like, well, the twist has to come and if they just talk more you know, contemporary sounding it's going to blow it, but like you definitely would be. That's what I would love like just a scene between her and him

and she's like, how do you think mash ended? Just like, I don't know. Like, I know it must, or maybe it's still going. Oh, my God, do you think MASH is still on? Oh, it was so successful. It could be. They're sneaking in laser discs and fucking VHS tape.

Someone brought this evil back from the town. The VHS tape with six hours of television, including commercials. Can we talk to this Burger King? Can we get him to give us food? It's just, I mean. What have we farmed for his fief? Maybe we should ask The Lady Wendy

The good lady Wendy She seems so nice She sees so nice Oh no And they're battling Some crooked Scotsman Name MacDonald If we end to his clan

We can have burgers I But that's also your fault William Horton You're right Eric If you're doing this thing Like the whole point is You know dog toothed it

Right You're just you're You're walling off a town And make it up whatever bullshit you want. Yep. I get the no electricity thing and all that stuff. But, I mean, at the same time, you could just be like, oh, there are no other towns.

Everyone else in the world is dead. There was a plague. And if you go outside, because if you say that there are towns when there's better medicines and people are dying, these kids are going to start fucking walking through the ones. You're right. The towns are full of evil people we come to find. The twist could have easily been like zombies or something. Sure.

Yeah. Exactly. I mean, that would make sense to go back to non-electricity times. yeah totally like just be off the grid completely not have to worry about that that was a question though and i mean of course this is we hate movies so we gotta ask the hard hitting questions like this what was the toilet situation what was the showering situation because i'll tell you what they built this beautiful town like on this massive property in pennsylvania to shoot this movie like they constructed this whole thing the production design is incredible oh yeah naring an outhouse pictured i'm not seeing an outhouse it's got to be an outhouse that should be like that should be a moment of tension. Like there's one near the fire ring around the town. It's like you're taking a shit and hearing scary stuff. No, it all

goes in the well. There's one well that's for water. That's the real one. But there's one that's just like all the way out. And everybody has to hang their ass over the hole and let it block. I know why that can't happen though? Because that dude Adrian Brody is going to be getting them too mixed up in this movie. Well, he'll just fall down.

And then we're in a better movie, honestly. Elder Johnson, I went to the outhouse. And the bad color came out. Oh, bad shit and blood. Have you snuck to the towns and partook of Tripolti? I see you've done battle with the Burger King.

I think this movie's stupid. I like, well, also this movie is kind of, because that's the one thing you have to, you always have to keep in mind. You mentioned it already, Andrew. Is there are two things that M. Night Shyamalan loves, lying to the audience and the great state of Pennsylvania.

It is always, I wouldn't be shocked if the twist in old, which is coming out this weekend, is that that island is somehow in Philadelphia. You know what I mean? Somehow there's an island in Philadelphia that makes you old. The one beach in Pittsburgh. Let me try to guess it right now. I'm going to try to guess the twist of old right now. And I know I'm going to be wrong. But what if the twist is they're just in like a slightly buggy VR simulator. Oh, okay. what I mean? And then all of a sudden, like, you know, the kid from Hereditary like falls over and, like, they go to his POV and his eyes are kind of, you know, opening and closing. So it's going like dark on screen or whatever. And then all of a sudden, a mask is ripped off and he's got a VR helmet on. You see a fucking orange Julius stand. And this kid's just in the mall somewhere. That would suck ass so hard. Like I can't, I fucking, like, you don't have to be black mirrors. Stop with the fuck. I can't fucking stand it. Well, the simulation thing, now we're talking about. about it. I watched a whole documentary on it. I just, I kind of, I kind of don't care.

Like, if, if I'm in a simulation, do I still need to pay rent? Yes, do I need to, you know what I mean? Like, am I still going to grow old and probably get cancer? Okay, so then what the fuck do I care about if I'm in a simulation or not? Doesn't change anything at all, does it? No, no. I think the point of that movie, though, to some degree is like, yes, Steve, you're right, but also there are people who don't get that like Matrix Kid and murder

his fucking family. Sure. So, no. Now, now, who's controlling this simulation? Do they posit any? No. No. No, it could be aliens. Alioms, supercomputers. Maybe there's Zionists.

I'm sure there's enough. Catch me in bed with a simulation. Or Mr. God himself. You know? Aren't we all living in a simulation under Mr. God? According to the religious folks, I'm not saying that that's what everyone believes or that I believe anything. But you know what? I'm going to say this.

It's above my pay grade. that's exactly right this is one of the few things I'm like I don't know shut up like why do you care what the fuck is wrong you want oh you need to know everything

dude I will say there are some I mean that movie gets like tragically serious like I just mentioned but there are fucking hilarious things where you listen to these people try to fucking like describe this shit and the dudes are like all right just think about it you ever like walk down the street and you see

three white cars dude go outside what was the name of this again a glitch in the matrix rodney asher it's the dude who did room 237 the nightmare i like his work i like his work so i'll have to check it out it is those folks are beyond saving yeah so the village starts off with a full on lie we're just full yes because like it's it's never enough for m night shalmalon just to like maybe cheat the camera in a certain way no he's got to fucking lie to you because the first thing is brennan gleason holding onto a grave and the grave reads 18 1990 to 1897.

That's a lie. Now we're lying. And I know that you're lying to the villagers, but you're lying to me. Yeah. I mean, it would spoil the twist, but it would be kind of eerie and weird to see it, say, like, you know, 2000 or 996 or something. Yeah, exactly. And that, it kind of brings up an interesting question I have is like, where in the planning stages between like your William Hurt, your Cherry Jones, your, your Brendan Glees and Sigourney Reaver, all of these, the elders of this, you know, grief. counseling group that decided to do this.

What was the back and forth about where we're settling on the time period? Why the 19th century? I mean, you're getting at the heart of what the problem with this movie is, I want to know what this was. The making of this is incredible. I need to know about it.

It's also so unsustainable. Like those kids are going to get out or one way or another. Like all cults, it's completely unsustainable. One fucking 14 year old is going to roam into the woods, get near the fence, hear a little reggae tone from a passing car and his head's going to explode.

I mean, totally right. Also, when we get down to it later, like when Bryce Dallas Hallward leaves to go get medicine, why doesn't the guy that owns the fucking park do that? Exactly. He says he took an oath or something? I don't give a shit about your 18th century oath, 19th century oath.

Yeah, go up the fucking road and get me some medicine, dude, and while you're at it, some cigarettes. Thank you. I have been fucking fiending since 1978, William Hurd. I would love it. I mean, like, you're right. I would love if this movie had like a coda, like the Godfather Part 2 where like everyone's just sitting around talking a little bit.

Yes. That'd be really kind of cool. And I mean, I do want one person, maybe Cherry Jones is like, do you think it's, I don't know, do you think it's weird that we have no black people? Is it, is this a weird reactionary movement? Because I don't want to start that. And that's another thing that, like, you have to do. that in order to preserve this stupid fucking twist.

Yes, exactly, you know? And it's like, clearly it's, you know, the mid-70s, they're doing this, like, grief counseling thing. Like, there would be people of color here. Yes. It's in fucking Philadelphia. Yes. Come on. And, like, you sacrifice what should be that kind of cultural accuracy because

you're trying to preserve a stupid fucking twist that shouldn't matter. Well, yeah. And the first, like, six cents and unbreakable and even signs are very fluid movies. They, they move. there's no downtime like I'm constantly with them the village it's like one of I assume it's because of the twist

but it's edited so poorly like there are segments that move very well and then they just stopped abruptly and then like it's just so jangled and I'm like I don't care you made me stop caring I will say this I think that this movie proves that a movie can be well directed

well acted well production designed and well scored too excellent and still be terrible it's screenplay and editing really matter guys and this looks gorgeous this is roger deacons man oh yeah and also it's a great fucking the score is fantastic it really is yeah it's just like you can have all those things working for you but if you are working in service of this twist that no one asked for and that's the thing it's like it's not just the twist that degrade this movie a little bit like adrian brodie playing a quote unquote like simple man i don't know that's the nicest way i can put it is i don't think

knows what they're filming No, no, and nobody knows what they're portraying. Exactly. He's got no fucking clue. I read the Wikipedia description and it was like and Noah, who's played by Adrian Brody, someone with an apparent developmental disability. Like

it's just sort of like, yeah, Wikipedia's like, oh, I mean like like, oh, I mean, like Wikipedia is not weighing in by the way. IMDB, we're not touching this one. You don't need it. You don't need it. And actually it makes the movie

much better. I mean like we're all over the place I don't know. It's all right. Just let it happen. Talk about the leaves fucking turning in this movie but which is beautiful by the way. But it actually it helps your story better if because Adrian Brody is the person that commits the crime that causes everything to sort of

change. It would make a ton more sense if it was just like a crime of passion. If he was just like a dude that was into Bryce Dallas Howard and was pissed off about Joaquin Phoenix and fucking stabbed him because that tells you like that's the point of that's the point of your movie right. It's like crime and violence will always find you no matter how you whatever but then you couch it in this like you know

developmental disability simpleton whatever nonsense it's so it's so dumb and also because like after the fact like they there's lines here and there where they're even saying like well it's you know he cared for her and it's like okay that's literally all you need you just need the passion the jealousy jealous lover would be perfect for them to finally realize oh a perfect society a perfect doesn't exist and I can't go to the woods and created crime and shit happens and life sucks fucking everywhere

deal with it you rich assholes who decide to cosplay in the woods Cherry Jodes comes to that conclusion at the very end of the movie like I'm like I need that a little earlier I need to see some regret something like you had to have some fucking discussion about what books were going to be in the library and one of you

pieces of shit were like it's got to be Walt Whitman and that shit right I mean, that's the only one that matters. Well, no, actually, I think there should be some Faulkner. Oh, Faulkner's. And, like, you would just want to die. Yes. But I mean, like, you're right, though, but you couch it in this thing that actually just like, because now is the movie about like, you can have the perfect society so long as no one is born with the developmental disability.

Like, what are we actually trying to say here? That's a good point. Like, it's that or is it like, I mean, that's also, because Dogtooth is also this where it's, where it's. It's like you're reaching, like, sexual maturity in various ways. So, like, it's unavoidable that way also. This, it's, I actually, I don't know if it works as well because like Bryce Dallas, Howard, Joaquin Phoenix, and Adrian Brody are all clearly over 35 years old. Oh, my God, they're very old.

So it's not like they're just coming around to their like natural sexual urges or whatever. So never mind, bad argument. It's kind of a 902 and O situation, I think. Yes, yes. I mean, I guess they're playing younger, but it would work better if they were actually younger. Yeah. What's the end game here? It's just like, okay, so we have kids.

And then they all break up, not break up, but like break off and start dating each other. Yeah. They have kids. And then what, we just inbreed after that? Like, what's going to happen? That's the good point. There's no more. And then you'll need Joaquin Phoenix and Bryce Dallas Howard to become around to the idea of keeping everyone isolated and then dressing as the monsters.

It's actually that it's a classic. I mean, because think about who's running this thing. Sigourney Weaver, Cherry Jones. William Hurt, Brendan Gleason, boomer mentality shit. We're just doing this for ourselves. And then we're going to fucking procreate anyway. And you know what? They can deal with this crumbling society.

But we'll have successfully escaped violence in the 19-7. If that's what M. Knight's saying, I love it. That's, I mean, well, that's the problem. I mean, like, you would want to see something like, it's a boy and his dog type situation. Like, we need Lucius's seed. If he can't fuck, we're dead I mean honestly Yeah

If fucking Bryce Dallas Howard can't fucking carry children You better you gotta go back outside Kidnap some people Yeah oh dude see Chris what you're doing is setting up like this See here's the thing that's frustrating right Emnight decides to make three movies around the fucking Unbreakable verse

You needed more movies in here And that's the kind of shit Prequel movie setting it up Then movie after the events of the village How's that going? fucking 20 years later. My problem with it is they're not letting everyone into the village. Like if they asked me,

I think I'd succeed in kind of an Amish-esque life. They didn't have a village idiot. So you could take up the mantle. They will not let you watch Gary Busey movies. I should. I've got to tell you. I feel like if I had my own fields and I went out there and felt the, felt the fruit of my labor in my hand. Sure.

I mean, the problem with it is that they're just so pure. They are. Even when you find out they're lying pieces of shit, they're like, but they did it for such pure reasons. Isn't that so important? He's so uncomplicated always. He's so simple on the story. It's always like good character, bad character,

developmentally disabled character. Clearly evil. I'm sorry. That's what I see on the bus. Like, whatever, man. That's kind of what he's trying to say. All well to him taking public transportation. Okay. So we can get, I mean, the beginning of it is, as we said,

is Brendan Gleason with his, his son's dead body. In a casket. The kid got a stubbed toe and died. Exactly. And they're just sitting there. Brendan Gleason's like, well, I took me oath, didn't I? Yes, well, die little stubby toejo. I shouldn't have let that little autumn out.

That was my fault. That was my fault. Oh, fuck. He million dollar babyed his own son. Oh, no. Also, how many kids died with type one diabetes in the last fucking, whatever, last fucking 25 years. We don't really get a solid view of that graveyard.

But from what you hear folk talking about, there's a couple of fucking corpses on this property. Of course there are. They're like, oh, we all had to sacrifice. Like, yeah, my kid died from fucking a sniffle. Oh, no, yeah. Totally. No, yeah.

We marked all the graves starting about a year ago. You know what? I mean, it's a perfect scenario for having kids die. They have no social security number. No birth certificate. No one knows they even existed. That's true. If you want to kill kids, if you want to have and kill kids, go to the woods.

Well, like, they make some, there's like some quick line later where they make reference to like Brendan Leeson's son like was scared of the monsters and couldn't take it or something. Like, are we talking to suicide? But like, there's some weird moment where he's just like. Because that would make sense. It would. There's nothing to do in this staff. You got a book, I guess they're trading around.

There's just some weird line where he's just like, oh, well, I couldn't save my son from this. But maybe, you know, Bryce Dallas Howard and Lucius can be saved from this. And I'm like, what the fuck happened to this kid? I would love to know. It could be a suicide. It could also just be really bad seasonal allergies and you fucking sniffled to death. Also, who knows? I mean, like, it would be exciting or something if someone woke up at a hospital bed and had no idea what all this equipment was.

The fact that when we get Bryce Dallas Howard leaving this place, we see a fucking road and M. Night Shyamalan in a reflection of a fucking, like there's no, there's nothing of society they really see besides two security guards. Yeah. It's M. Knight Shyamalan and Peggy's

other boyfriend. Yes. Abe who also, if you remember, surreptitial who was accidentally stabbed by somebody. Yes. Oh my God. That's that guy for Mad Men. Wow. I couldn't police him all the last night. He rules. Well, I would also Abe, by the way, or who

the security guard is, you see somebody jump over a wall. She's a blind woman. She's covered in dirt. She's like, what year is it? I need medicines. What was that noise? You've got to be like, we are going to social service. You hop in my car. We're going to go to social services. He works for the Walker Preserve and he's like, well,

his sure name is Walker. So it's one of these fucking eccentric billionaire assholes. Give her what she wants. Yeah, like he knows the score. Yeah. But that's the orientation video. Well, he's hiding it from M. Night Shyamalan. So I feel like it's not really known known but it's like this is the boss's daughter they don't know that because he says like oh it's just the animal preserve because m night's like you know what you're right we keep these animals here we keep everything away from them that's it that's the job right right right right

fucking a would have i would he would have to have five phones calling the police on one the fire department on the other one the fucking cps fucking all of them just line them up and just start dialing building inspector those those those those those are up the code out there in the woods oh definitely dude No, they're getting fucking shut down. Too sweet. State cops. Get the fuck in here. This cast is stacked.

It's unbelievable. And I think that is really like, because you've just spent three movies building up this fucking rap of like, you have these successful movies. You're clearly an actor's director. Like people must have liked working with him. Yeah. You've had three movies to build up this. And now it's like, here it is.

Like, this is a stunning amount of talent. Sigourney Weaver might as well not be in the movie. Agreed. Which is unfortunate. She does like nothing. Yeah. And the IMDB trivia said, she had nightmares for weeks after just reading this script. I refused to believe that.

The studio made her say that. I refused to believe that. No, she was like, she, she, the secret of events. She, like, you want to be the new M night movie? Absolutely. She signed on. Then she got the script. She's like, oh my God, I have a contract.

I have to make this movie. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Sigourney, you did it again, girl. You have to read the script before saying yes. I've never been more scared for the deed to my home. This movie's going to be a nightmare. You got to read things in advance. I think that's how she got tricked into Avatar.

Yeah, but so Joaquin Phoenix is like our intrepid hero who's like, I want to go to the towns. And, you know, he's Joaquin Fiencing around. He's got a weird mutter going on. He's like a quiet man. Yeah, he's really putting on a show in this movie. And this was like, like, I remember him in signs and everything. but like this and obviously like glad gladiator is probably like my first yeah you know real like introduction to him so like i knew i knew him but this i was like oh this dude's like an actor

yeah he's a lead and he's basically i want to go to the towns to get medicines and like yeah no that's got what the monsters you got to remember the monsters yeah see son you know you came in here with your nice letter and your big proposal to go to the towns and whatnot but oh you forgot about the monsters yeah they say there's a truce with the meat eaters. So I guess they're also vegetarian in this community. The ones we do not speak of. And like

I, how do you not like, I am wondering how you don't have at least one of them have like a sort of like, fucking speakovers. Fucking hate those speakovers. You know, we could go up to next town those fucking speakovers. I'm saying why do we get our pitchforks, fucking take it

to them. Yeah. See, and again, that's interesting. Yeah. Warring in, you know, within the society, etc. I mean, that might be even more interesting kind of a twisty moment is just like, start killing these costumed guys and then you realize you're killing your parents.

Well, it would make sense that the kids would, like teenagers, people who are like 17, 18 year old boys would want to kill them. They would be like aggressive as hell. Like the fucking going through puberty. Oh, that's the thing. It's very smart. M. Knight's part here.

all the teens are all soft boys being a Jesse Eisenberg Fran Cranz and Michael Pitt None of these dudes are storming the beach We're not rebelling against a single fucking thing with these guys Yeah you had to get a cab gigante

In there at least one Is that like a conscious decision Like I'm gonna raise my boy soft So he never stands up against these monsters I mean they appear to have that kind You know they're like puritanical bent to it all You know, I mean, there's the scene where like, again, why play it this way? Why write it this way, of course? Like, but like Adrian Brody's like playing with some of the kids of the town and he's fucking hitting them with a stick. And Bryce Dallas Howard has to come in and be like, hey, you know, we don't hit people. So is there is that sense of like we're trying to snuff out any sign of like aggression that comes up. You know. But even like there's this scene where Jesse Eisenberg has to stand like a flamingo on a tree stump.

in front of the creatures. And, like, Frank Kranz is kind of doing like, like, come on, you got to stay up there. Come on, man. You got to do it. You're a real man would do it. Like, it's really the only instance of that. But like, I'm like, you got to follow some of that.

It can't be all. They're just nice people. Exactly. I refuse to believe it. Someone's bad. Someone's just a nasty fuck. I guess there's bad seeds out there. That's the Joaquin Phoenix, I guess, in this.

Because they mentioned that he was the one that had the highest record for standing on the edge of down. It was like two days. And they're like, oh, yeah, so there might not be monsters. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that would have been great to see too. Hey, man, like, you won. Dude, like, it's dinner time.

It was dinner time six hours ago. Like, let's, you know. We'll make the next one scarier. We promise. We're going to get somebody in here to make a really, really nasty monster. We learned that they're pumping in the sounds of the monsters in the woods, the adults. I thought it would be more fun of it. It was just like they were hearing like the New Jersey turnpite.

Oh my God, what is that evil noise? What is Gaba Gould? What does that smell? No, but great point bringing it up, though, because I was thinking about it, like, it would be great if Bryce Dallas Howard like walking along the forest and, like, she's got her cane and everything,

and she knocks, like, a piece of wood and keeps going, but then, like, the camera holds, and it's, like, a junky old 1970s, like, stereo speaker, and, like, William Hurts still using, like, a bad old tape deck somehow. Because they don't explain. how these sounds are getting pumped

all through the forest. There should be something. At some point, Hurt should, like, go into the woods and go into, like, an underground bunker that has electricity, has, like, a control system for the PA systems that are hidden in the trees. Dude, you think he's got cable down there? You think once a month, he's got a cable day. He's watching those fucking

robo cop on laser disc. He's watching it. He's got to know, Sama bin Laden computer full of pornography. He's just Sunfeld episodes. He's just roving the place and just under his breath. Not about you, baby. Suburney, Sigourney, come here. You have to, they have must-see TV now.

It's TV that you must see. Sigourney, look, look, just listen for a second. Listen, listen, listen. Like, because that's, I mean, that sort of gives it, talking about it in this way, like, sort of gives me the same sort of feelings that got me excited about watching points of the show lost, that kind of like, oh, wait, what sort of society is this exactly what

actual amount of technology is available? And if you had that kind of shit in this movie, I'm getting excited. Just thinking about this movie. I mean, yeah, I would have just liked it. Like, get fucking, forget, if we're really doing this, forget the electricity and they're piping it out. Get fucking sweaty Brendan Gleason. I mean, he's younger here, so he hasn't, he doesn't have the full heft.

But you get him sweaty out there, like, okay but like it's Sigourney Weaver to do it like each one of Cheechawk Cheechawk but if you show that

like just show the parents of being evil the one just get that twist out of the way and then you have these kids trying to escape this and you you as the audience now know what's the score is

it'd be compelling maybe like a like a THX 11338 when they're trying to break out of that. But that's the thing is we don't... Shamelon doesn't think these parents are evil. You know what? That's the biggest problem. You think that what they're doing is, it's just crazy out there in the world these days.

Some people might want to go here and do, and this is his whole... I mean, this is clearly like, it's an Iraq war thing. It definitely is. Yeah, just the whole... Oh, yeah. The narrative. Yeah, just the whole, you know, what he's kind of addressing here is that idea of like,

just unspeakable violence. It's just everywhere. You know, it's post 9-11. We're in this endless, you know, not endless war yet, but now it is. You know what I mean. No, totally. But you could just live on a farm. If you, I mean, if you had any means, you could move to a rural area.

But I mean, Hugo Mortensen did it. Speaking of fucking Philadelphia movies. Yeah. You could die, Joey. It's, there is, I think also it, again, the pencil, you always have to come back to Pennsylvania. And I think this is like, M. Knight driving past Lancaster County being like, wow, that's fucked up.

How did they do that? Let me just write my little notebook. Like, it's just like, you know what I mean? Like, it's an Amish riff. It's like, isn't it freaky that these freakadoos live? Oh, they don't live in the city. Oh, they must not even have running water. Exactly.

They don't have electricity in there. Of course not. How do they keep the kids? Probably monsters. Okay, write that down monsters. Well, you know, the rum spring of thing. That's right. There's a loosening of the belt in the Amish society.

I think what their way of life seems kind of beautiful to me. Sure. From the outside. You leading into like a witness-esque narrative of you being in the Amish content. You're just going to go there. I kind of probably more like that fucking, God damn it, that movie with Randy Quaid. Kingpin. Yes, thank you.

It's probably going to be more kingpin where I drank all the bull come by mistake. Yes, more farts for sure. But I would be kind of down for it. Maybe I don't know. We should say speaking of M. Knight, like getting ideas for this movie. Did you catch this on your Wikipedia read? There was a claim that an author attempted to put against him. I guess it did not go to suit or whatever.

This Y.A. author claimed that, and I mean, when you look at the plot of the book, it's a thing where it's like, there's a bunch of people. They created this fake village. They used the notion of monsters to scare everybody into staying into town. and the story, the thrust of this book story is one of the young people has to leave the town to go to the next town to get medicine.

It sounds pretty similar. I was going to say this is not like an original idea, but that sounds pretty similar. The book is running out of time. There we go. Yeah. So like, I didn't read it. I only saw this movie.

Do it that way you will. Yeah, Jen, my wife read it. And she was like, yeah, nobody brings us up, but this is like a totally ripoff. Interesting. Yeah. Oh, okay. Good book or?

I don't know. Do they have the, I wish Jen was here so I'm going to ask if the bad color is involved. No, I don't think there's Monsars. We haven't talked about the bad color. And you know what the good color is?

Yellow. You know what? Oh, fear. Oh, do you get it? Do you get it? Oh, right. Also, because red is like in the M-Ni-Everse,

red is always the thing that points to like whatever is off in the movie. Yes. Because that's like with Bruce Willis and Sixthens, there's like red, elements here and there with him and it's like

because he's the off ghost in that movie. Well, in the woods you couldn't use green, right? Yeah, it can't be the bad color. You'd be burying everything. So wait, what happens at the fucking autumn when some trees go red? Is it just like, oh my God. You're going to stay away from them trees. They freak out.

You see like two girls like playing and they find berries and they have to bury it. Like, you know what I mean? Like any red fucking flowery and also not to be an asshole, but what happens with these ladies menstruate? Yeah, I don't know. you know what? They're killed, I think. Clearly, I mean, these are things that you're

talking about. I mean, Steve, like, it's very like one level to these stories and he ain't thinking about no menstruation. I mean, if you're scared at society to this point, just like get a commune in the Catskills, smoke a bunch of grass. Yeah. Fucking relax. What is your problem?

It's an M16s just in case the government's not something to work. Exactly. But like, to the extent of convincing your children that one color is going to harm you. And that's, I mean, yeah, because this whole thing seems very dumb, right? That's why, again, it would be rad to see scenes of those initial meetings where, like, Brendan Gleason is like, you know, I don't know, William Hurd.

Can't we just buy a commune in the cat skills and smoke a bunch of grass? And then William Hurd could plead his side of whatever this is, but instead, it's just all this, like, but the violence. What I just found out, I read about this, it's called LARPing, live action role plan. So if I hit you, Brendan Gleason, with the foam sword, you have to be dead for a while unless there's a magician or some kind of wizard or mage to bring you back.

This beanbag represents a spell I'm throwing at you. You are now under my spell. No, that's a misconception, actually. A foam was created in the early 19th century. Everybody knows that. 12 damage, 12 damage. get down you go down 12 damage go down that would make honestly more sense if they were living in like a live action role playing society where they're with foam swords or their foam nights

just do that you know this guy with the camcorder filming us is really breaking the illusion get out of here eric siska yes yes looting to my one time when i was a cameraman at a live action role playing cat which is like why is that a thing but it was and i got paid Because someone will pay money to attend it. That's why they exist. And remember when the session is over, big time suicide for all of us. I mean, that's sort of where this would get to eventually. I feel like you would have a Jonestown event where everyone, like drink this punch I made from the bad berries.

That's the weird part is God is suspiciously absent in this film, which is how these things work. You just say, you go outside these fucking walls, you're going to hell. And then everyone's like, oh shit, you know what I mean? That is a great point because like we start with that funeral scene and Brandon Gleason, like, what does he do? Why isn't he like the minister? Why isn't there something like that? I mean, that's interesting. And again, it plays into like what kind of folks these 1970s grief counseling group people were.

And like, we don't know anything about them. But it is a fascinating thing, the complete absence of religion in this movie. Well, again, like, Cherry Jones, like, yeah, I'm not, we can't do the religion thing. That gets too creepy. Well, I mean, we have to have marriages. No, we can't. Are you fucking serious? It's marriages.

I mean, fucking, come on. Well, that's the weird part. Like, later in the movie, I mean, we're going all over the place. At some point, what do you call it there? Bryce Dallas Howard says, oh, my sister, Judy Greer, Kitty, is now married. So now I may be married. So there's this whole baroque, bizarre. Yeah.

I mean, there's all that shit to you. And again, I think they're like, there's, like really hammering that at like front-loading that shit at the beginning of the movie to like sell you on this dumb world but like where Judy Greer is like going up to William Hurt and she's like oh Papa I am just in love with Joaquin Phoenix oh I'm going to ask him for his hand in marriage oh kitty kitty you you mustn't there's rules in this town he is a what we call lead actor and you you kitty my love my princess are a supporting actor you must you must flourish with your own

A Fran Cranes or a Jesse Eisenberg or a Michael Pitt, if you will. You, my sweet darling, are Judy Greer. You may never lead a movie, even though everybody asks for you to lead a movie. I really don't get this. Emnight, can you do something about this even? I mean, honestly. I mean, and they have her saying things like, do I have your blessings then? And you're just like, it's interesting because I've now seen this movie twice.

in theaters and now this time. I don't think I ever really seriously re-watched it in any fashion. But like re-watching it, knowing everything and then seeing shit like that and you're just like, why? Why position your vocabulary and values in this way?

Can we just not talk like assholes? Yeah, can we just not talk like assholes? You know, folks, we're living as if someone is building up our entire world to come to a head to some sort of big narrative twist. Does anyone else feel that way? Look, it's important for us to feel smart.

So we're going to talk like nobody talks. That's what we're going to do. So Judy Greer, it's kind of cool how this movie kind of introduces Bryce Dallas Howard, who is the lead. She's not like for 15, 20 minutes. Big time. You're with Judy Greer first and then she gets, what do you call it there, rejected by Joaquin Phoenix. And then it is kind of, you know, we were, and I think there are legitimate beefs with the editing in this movie. it's a great smash cut

dude it is a big smash cut to like because she gives this big effusive like oh Joaquin Phoenix my love is only for you let's get married yada yada we are allowed to love yes I mean it's so over the top and then it just cuts to her in bed crying and that's when you meet Bryce Dallas Howard

did anyone read the story about when Bryce Dallas Howard was cast someone else was somebody talked to Ron Howard wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait did they know who her family was no she was like you know working uh she just got fired from the the restaurant she was working and she didn't she had no idea if she was going to make rent you know what i mean it was just like really like just

paycheck to paycheck like oh my god and then finally she got the lead role in an enormous movie because emmite saw her in a play which is fine but like why was he at that play but then right true and then wait she got some directing jobs too yeah it's weird it's just you know she's just incredibly talented and just pretty big ones too too, with pretty major franchises, I would say. Really big stuff. She must be quite the talent. You know what?

But that is inspiring, Steve, that she found it. Like, I heard Rooney Mara was found her, her first role in a similar way. It was just scraping by and just finally got that miraculous touch on the shoulder.

It is so difficult to have 200K in checking while you're in college. I'll say that much. It's tough. I mean, it's a talent to be really scared when you have nothing to be scared of what's I mean, you want to talk about the village, Hollywood. Hey, maybe. That might be in his brain.

It's a fake world full of dumb babies that are born into this weird thing. They don't know and they don't know what society is, but now they're going to go act and try to pretend they do. I guarantee you at least once M. Knight's pitched it as that. So is Max Landis, uh, the Adrian Brody at this scenario? Max Landis is one of the fucking beast costumes you see running around the woods. Well, I don't know, because Adrian Brody isn't, like, constantly fondling women and then telling them their pieces of shit. Great point. I mean, like, you know, all jokes inside, Bryce Dallas Howard is excellent in this movie.

She's really, really good. She's very good. Yeah. Is she good in other things, though? I don't know. I mean, she's in them there, Jurassic World movies. She's true. Good movies.

Her breasts are in those movies, too. I don't know. And her fucking feet on the feet. Yeah. I mean, it's this which she is good in, but like then immediately after Lady in the Water. Yipe. Which is one of the worst performances I've seen in question. And Paul Giamati, let's not say.

He's great. He's great, but he's also like, his dad was like the commissioner of baseball at some point. Everybody's a fucking little rich boy in Hollywood. Sorry to say. It's absolutely true. You know, we're not just talking about the, the young actresses. Our hero, Paul Giamati as well, is like, oh, Giumani's dad was the commissioner of baseball. Yes, exactly.

Or NFL, maybe... Something like that, yeah. Is that right? Yep. Absolutely. You know, I'm going to go to Europe to find myself. I'm so fucking rich. I got to get out of here.

I've got to high tail into Spain for the summer. It is like startling when you realize that ugly people can be rich too. Yeah, because then you're like, why not me? Why wasn't I touched by God by having an NFL commissioner father? Baseball commissioner, yes. MLB commissioner. Frank Gianni Probably

That's incredible Angelo Bartlett Giamati Wow So yeah Now I'm just waiting To have my heartbroken Who's

Who's Michael Shannon's fucking rich parents Oh that's Are they famous Like secret assassins That would make More sense for Chanon But yeah

So we also We yeah This is Oh this is gonna say I noticed it Kind of around This part of the movie After Bryce Dallas

Howard is introduced Joaquin Phoenix definitely still having sort of the haircut from Gladiator Just the tiniest bit of like The Caesery bowl cut going on in this movie It's actually right in the middle of his signs haircut And his Gladiator haircut

It feels like It's the middle ground And like you know they're him They have like a little trio him Adrian Brody and Bryce Dallas Howard a little bit They're like they're hanging up by the rocks together And like, here's the thing. I like Adrian Brody.

I like him as an actor when he pops up and stuff. Number one rule with Adrian Brody, he is like a dog. And you put too much fucking dog food in that bowl. He's just going to eat it all. You know what I mean? You've got to go and grab the little measuring cup and scoop in there how much he's allowed to act. You're going to want to cut that wet food with some kibble too.

Exactly. It can't all be wet because he's really going to make a mess. Because it's like it's one thing that this character is like weird and problematic and should not have been written this way. But also because it is and it's an unhinged Adrian Brody, he is taking this monstrous character for a walk. He really is. And he

is up and down the frame. I mean, drooling and clapping. Yikes man. It's truly something else. But in his defense, there's nothing else to do in this village, but drool and clap. That's true. Yeah, what's the J.O. situation? Does that make the

monsters come or what? Jack and Yeah. I think you could probably jack off. I would hope so. You know what? If they made white bad color, then you couldn't. Dude, that's a great way to get around that. I mean, that's like, that's why I kind of want to know what the shower situation is because you could have Jesse Eisenberg, you know, because it's like 2004.

He's much younger at this point. And it's like he's just taking a shower in the shack one day. A bath type of situation. Maybe it's a bath and he just accidentally like, you know, touches his penis one way. is, oh, oh, wait, hang on. I just invented something. Yeah, exactly. And you see that happen, like,

because I got to know what's going on with that stuff in this movie. Absolutely, and you're dealing with young people's burgeoning sexuality, even though they're 35 years old. You know, it would be interesting to explore those topics. Oh, yeah, like, he's just fantasizing about Sigourney Weaver.

Yeah. Wouldn't you? Well, sure. Who hasn't? Oh, my God, if I could only see her ankle in this movie. It's crock, I'm not sure. That's the thing. It's like, I cannot believe they're shoving everyone into these costumes. Well, that's the thing too. So, like, Cherry Jones and like, like, Squarney Weaver, and then I think some other, there's other women that are like, you know, either single or like, you know, powerful women in the, in the elder community.

When this is getting formed, like, so could maybe like women be equal, pause? Do you need the corsets still? They're dressing like puritanical. When you can dress more old West, like a sun-esque dress? Sure. Would totally be fine. I'd still go, okay, I'd still go. Okay. I guess it's the 1800s. I forget her name, but Noah's mother, like,

she's like the female M. M. M. at Walsh. She's incredible. Forget her name, but she's been a ton of stuff. Celia Weston, of course.

Yes, yes, yes. And she, yeah, like, are they, Frank Krant's just beating off to her. Just being like, because it's all I have.

You know, to answer this question, I think, by the way, about like, where's all the sexuality? Two words, folks,

Touchstone pictures. This is a Disney movie. It is. It's a Disney-owned movie. There was a thing. I think it's on the Tribune trivia where it says that initially this movie was given an R rating

because in the scene where Adrian Brody stabs Joaquin Phoenix and then he falls on the floor and then he kind of starts like raining the death blow in those stabbing scenes they had sound effects

of like the knife going in the squirks yeah like you know and so and then it was like there's your R rating which is fucking crazy first of all yeah but it works

works the way. Like, that is actually one of the best seasons. It winds up working better. It totally does. It does work well. And it happens, by the way, directly halfway through the movie. Yes. Yep. Because it's a switch of, I mean, it's a switch of perspective. You're going from, yeah, Lucius to

Mary is, is that her name? Ivy. Ivy, sorry. Bryce Dallas Howard. Yeah, because, you know, they're fast friends. She's named after all the fancy universities Hollywood kids can go to. We were going to call her brown at first. no i think i heard one time that their kids at least some of them are named after at least part somewhere in their name they have uh the the town or city where they were conceived oh that's where

dallas is there oh nice yeah i think i read that somewhere yeah yeah kind of she may have said on a talk show at some point interesting so uh so ron howard was slapping cheeks in dallas one day yeah he went to daly plaza in the afternoon got lunch you know he went a little sightseeing tour. I was feeling a little nostalgic. I went to Daily Plaza. I have to go to my sex journal now because she's just fucked my wife.

He got more shots off there than we have. He didn't act alone either. Hello. There was someone there helping Ron. Fuck. Yeah, was Frank Snatcha still alive? Was he helping with that one too?

So whatever, like, you know, they're like romantically budding and so on. and so forth, but, like, Joaquin Phoenix really wants to go and go to the other parts of town because it's like, dude, everyone's going to die. Yeah. Um, and you guys are idiots. Lo and behold, Adrian Brody, it's discovered that he's been going into the woods. He finds the, the berries that grow wherever. So, Joaquin Phoenix is like, well, if he can go, I can go kind of a thing.

Right. This is all fucking bullshit anyway. Yeah. And this is the first monster, monstar attack. It's actually kind of an interest. I kind of like this scene when Joaquin Phoenix goes into the woods the first time alone because like he sees the berries and then it's like you don't really see the monster but you know he knows it's there and it's kind of this eerie moment and he looks like I'm uh walking back

to the village now totally he turns tail I mean and it's so great because all of this it's awesome that he's by himself he you know nothing is said uh you know and this was all from the trailer of course like he puts the paint bucket down yeah they're out there you know paint and poles like you would or whatever fucking not stupid chore they're doing Well, I guess it's the thing is, like, William Hart's like, I don't know, it's going to get pretty boring. Let's make a bunch of, like, weird shit. Every week we have to paint the trees yellow for some reason. Exactly.

And so he's out there. The hood comes off. The paint bucket goes down and he steps across the line. I remember it clear his day from the trailer. It's a very great moment. And this is, yeah, you get like the legs of one of them. You briefly see like the back of one of them or something like that. And I got to tell you, even though I know, you know, I knew what the movie was.

last night watching it that quick like scurry across the frame he's very good at that it got me again it's the same shit like in signs when you're looking at the home movie at the birthday party and then the little alien like runs by very scary i wish you would just make a straight horror movie where like there wasn't really a twist who was just like because you think about something like midsumar and like there's twists in that but the movie doesn't need them necessarily you know what i mean like that's not you can watch when you rewatch midsumar you're like wow there's a lot here they're not treated as twist by the director isn't like laying it on like this is a twist it's a twist for the characters it's not a twist for the audience like yeah like even you know which way the wind's blowing in midsamar even wicker man which has a kind of a big twist it's like it's not as treated as monumental as m nights twist it's just like this is an unfortunate development which everyone else could have seen comic exactly and that's the thing is that you don't have to go back and be like oh does this make sense now that I know this information does that make sense now that I don't know yeah that doesn't have it doesn't matter because it's

just the end of the movie too right yeah exactly the movie had to have an ending and it's it's a bit surprising but it's not a twist yeah yeah I think he's a good horror director I just wish you would do like a horror movie like a straight up horror movie is that with that fucking uh old lady grandma movie is isn't the visit like more of a straight up I mean I guess it's fucking found footage no but I have been it either but I remember but I remember but I I've heard plenty of people talk about it. There is some weird thing where it's not just a straight horror. Oh, is that right?

I see. Just do it. Just do one. Like, give me one. It'd be really interesting. You'd be really good at it, dude. Yes. I mean, that's the thing you'd be really good at it.

And you get yourself something called a writer. And then he writes the scary stuff. And then you do the thing, which you love to do, which is direct the scary stuff. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But so, like, yeah, so like, they're just kind of, this is the big first monster attack thing. where, like, the monsters go into the tent?

Do you think Brendan Gleason is just like, we need to go back to Rick Baker? I got to be honest, this thing ain't fit in Omar. You know, we've done the same costumes since the bicentennial. No, the little claws ain't fit in my chubby hands as well. Yeah, the time that Nathan Piston won, we never actually got to wash it. Are we sure that we're just vegetarians in the village?

I mean, I got to look at one of these costumes look like someone had an enchilada accident in it. There's, uh, yeah, there, listen, we have to expel Brendan Gleason. There is a secret wah-wa down the hall, down the road that he's been frequenting. He's been going to Hogi Fest every single night. He's been going and he's been getting those pre-made sandwiches at the gas station. That's right. He's, uh, he's made quite a spectacle of himself at the county fair.

Notice all these polaroids that I've had brought in. It's him in the costume, taking big pictures with people at the fair. Oh, here's, oh, one of our scary monster claws giving a claw thumbs up. And look at this. He's soliciting tips. He's getting tips. Look, he's taking a big bite of a hot dog in this one. You see that?

Yeah. Yeah, the other day I had to explain to Jesse Eisenberg what Rolos were. And I had said that they were evil trinkets from the gods. What the fuck did you want me to do? I mean, I mean, we say one of the elders have been doing it, but maybe he's the guy that's skitting all these little goats that they're leaving around. Thank you. That is a thing that, like, it's never really followed up on in the movie.

They're finding all these skinned foxes and goats all over the place. And it's like, what is going on here? I assume that it's supposed to be, Adrian Brody, because he's so violent and creepy. William Hertz says something, though, about, like, I suspect it's one of the elders. Yeah. I'm going to make sure that that's put to a stop. when he's talking to Bryce Dallas Howard because here's the other thing

that whole sequence of like I'm going to like let you in on it Bryce Dallas Howard the only like reaction from her is just like sitting around and crying I need the like what on earth have you done what the fuck do you mean

he did she needs a shove like you shove this old fuck like your whole life has been a complete lie I mean it's a huge fucking revelation and she's just like I think it's kind of a thing that we're he He doesn't He doesn't give her everything

He doesn't give up the whole ghost Because as she's leaving He's like Yeah these are just suits that we've had In the shed that's forbidden But also I've heard of tale of some actual mom's And you're like no you didn't asshole

Yeah like that's you I cause like That's the right he said he was like That's what I used to teach In the history class or something That's the part of Santa Claus Where it's like well no actually Santa Claus still exists

but um in your heart in your those but actually mom and dad help him by buying the presents like no fuck you no he's the spirit of the season let's just know like I mean like you would I mean the I just want her to fucking like bust out of the bar and be like fuck it it's all bullshit go fucking shit fucking shit anywhere you want we're eating Doritos tonight I think it would be cool of like Joaquin Phoenix actually got out, didn't get stabbed, got to the town, saw someone on a red t-shirt

and stabbed them to death. Yeah, definitely. Then the cops are investigating. It becomes like the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail where all these cops are like, yeah, put that shield down. Come on. Like, we're all arresting everyone.

Man, that movie is great. I've watched Holy Grail recently. And just the cops just arresting them. Terrific. It's an amazing ending. So eventually we have like the big wedding scene. of, we're talking with the monsters. Oh, sure.

With the Anne Frank. Oh, right. Yeah, we are. We are, there is the hiding in the basement sequence. And this is like, when you look back at it, you're like, oh, okay.

So, like, tonight it was William Hurt, definitely playing one of these monsters. And then, like, whomever else is. Maybe So Gordonie Weaver was in on it. That night it was her shift to pick up because, like, Judy Greer is hanging out with, like, other people's kids and stuff, like watching.

them. So, like, you presume there was something like, well, there's an elders meeting tonight or, like, whatever's going on. And I guess this is like, we're just doing this every few, like, six months to a year when people are starting to, like, get out of hand a little. Yeah, I think because this is when they find out that Waukeen Phoenix

has gone out a little bit and they're like, oh, that can't be. He straight up turns himself in, by the way. Yeah, puss. Which is kind of, well, no, I think it's it's kind of nice to see William Hurt being like this was very, like, courageous. I'm, like, proud of you for owning up to this and. Well, that's right, because they're like, someone, they have the whole big village

media, like, someone breached the grounds. Hmm? Hmm. Well, that's, because they're in. Actually, are they in? Is it just like the town hall or is this a church that they're, I don't know, where William Hurd is like, you are the bravest boy. Yeah. I'm sorry, like, Marlon Brando there. But like, you know, like, you're the bravest boy I've ever known for turning yourself in. You fucking coward. Yeah. I mean, I guess it's like a town hall or something. but it would be great to have all that shit to find. We spend so much time in this village without knowing the ins and outs of it.

I do remember the Anne Frank scene where we go under the thing. It was scary in the theater. I remember being like, there was tension there and it's not anymore. Wasn't she an addict? She wasn't addict. I don't know.

Pulling a reverse hand frame. But you know, like everyone has little shelters to go in or whatever. They're all, it's all ducking cover. And then I think it's a thing where it's just like William Hurt in this suit is going around like, wrapping on the door

making sure that everyone's hiding. The guard tower sequence I really enjoyed the fact that I don't know if it was Pitt or someone else that night but just seeing like the monster in a quick flash and then like having that

like I need a minute because this is fucking crazy before ringing the bell. Totally. It makes it is Michael Pitt and it makes you realize like he's not some like trained whatever like he's just a kid

and just shit his pants for a second there but that is another moment where yeah he opens the the door to the guard tower and you see one sort of scurry by. Again, I knew what's going on in this movie. It made me jump a little bit. It's good. It's good.

I mean, there's good parts to this movie. It just doesn't really come together. And now they have this barn wedding, which is very familiar now. I mean, this is every wedding anyone's ever had now. Yeah, totally. I was very ahead of the time. He was, you knew what's going on. These things are going to be huge.

This is going to be enormous. I was like, Chelsea, I want our wedding reception to mirror that of the one. in M. Night Shyamalan's to fill it. Yeah, your invite said no red, which was really weird. Yeah, but, you know, it was the forbidden collar dude. I was actually playing a monster at your wedding. Oh, man, I was running around the perimeter growling. Yeah, I remember I was getting a drink at the bar and I saw Eric out of the corner of my eye.

I jumped. Terrifying, man. Yeah, there's a big old wedding and like, they're doing all these like Celtic dances and shit. And I'm like, when? All right. So was there like, did they get a. choreographer? Did William hurt the billionaire's son? And we will obviously need a choreographer for the dances. Well, Judy Greer, I called in a favor. I got my friend John Mumford and his sons to play at your wedding. I mean, it would be really interesting if they leaned, like we found out more about the society if they shunned religion and that's why we had to travel so far into the remote areas

to make this. Like, if you could have really leaned into that, like, this is like a weird breakaway sect in the 1800s and that's why they're so far out that's like who's attacking us because that's what's what the family's doing in the witch like they've left because of like a religious situation

of some of the dad just like you know he's kind of over it yeah no he just got they weren't hard enough for him yes that's right that's right yeah there's a Mel Gibson type of dad there wasn't enough blood I got to rewatch that

That was a great movie. You know, it's a good double feature if you're into it. The Witch, we did this one, we stayed in Salem. We did The Witch and then Lords of Salem right after it. So it's like, you're kind of doing it. Yeah, it's fun. I like that. Two good movies.

Two great movies. The weird moment in this, though, is like where it's weird because you never get a sense that like Bryce Dallas Howard's belief in any of this is cracking this early in the movie, where she goes and stands out on the porch and is like, I'm going to be totally fine. Joaquin Phoenix is going to get me. These monsters aren't going to do nothing. And it's like, I guess so.

Yeah, she's like, no, dude, prove me wrong. If I get eaten by a fucking monster, great. You know what at this point, I'm fucking sick of it. Because I feel that's kind of what this is. Yeah, is the flashback to her knowing everything's fake already happened? No, that happens a little bit later. She comes back. Yeah, at this point, she still believes.

She still believes that the monsters, but honestly, if you're hearing all these fuckers say doth all the time you might as well eat me eat me fucking whole structurally though that what you're talking about though is frustrating in this movie where William Hurd is like okay now whatever you do I'm going to open this fucking shed don't

scream and then it cuts farther ahead and she's walking in the woods with Michael Pitt and Fran Kranz and then at some point after that it flashes back to William Hurt showing her the shit and I'm like dude just get it over with M-Nite he wants to hold on to the big lie as

long as we possibly can. It's just, yeah, like that part structurally is so stupid. But back at this point, yeah, she's still as far as we know, like, totally into it. It isn't questioning anything. And they're having a nice wedding and then some kids. And I don't even know when this is, like, how this is either paid off or what. Like, these kids are like, we saw monsters in the village. And that's when, like, William Hertz's like, well, I can't, um, he's like looking around,

like counting all the elders, like, wait a minute. Everybody was off tonight. There was a special event. We were closed for a private event. Okay, I'm going to go into the woods. I better. Oh, the wedding food. More fucking, uh, more fucking spinach canapes.

No thanks. Time to go to fucking Wendy's. All right, Burger King. I'm coming your way, baby. No more grass meatballs for me. He's like, he's just, I better wear my monster suit of her else. The kids are going to be really up my arse.

William Hurd goes over. opened him, he's like, I can smell the pizza on you. He walks in, he's got of pizza. He walks into pizza with the monster garb on. I'll have one double stuff, meat lovers, please. Come right up, Jerry. And I could pay in a bag of grain, right? That is the other interesting thing is William Hurt

talking about how in their society money doesn't exist. Yes. And I need to know more about the society. like when Bryce Dallas Howard after this wedding goes out there with Pitt and whoever else she's got magic rocks well that's the last am I jumping ahead no no no no but it's fine it's fine but that's like sort of William Hertz's last ditch effort to be like all right if the kids are worried just tell them there's magic rock it's like I mean I feel like in a puritanical Christian

village it would be like you carry this crucifix or some shit I just I need to know more about the societal structure. Absolutely. It doesn't make any sense. And like even the kids, even Pitt and crayons are like, that sounds like bullshit, dude. That is fucking hilarious.

Yeah, Michael Pitt is like, he's got someone like, well, wait a second. Why are we just hearing about these magic rocks right now? And she's like, no reason. Because what happens is after the wedding,

there's another monster attack or maybe not and we're afraid. And this is the scene where Lucius and Ivy get together on the porch. She's a great scene between two solid asses. Yeah, absolutely. Do you find me too much of a tomb boy?

Yeah, that scene. Yeah, yeah. And she's, you know, she's like, why don't you ever speak? And he's like, you speak so much. And like, it's a fun little, you know, romantic. It's a great, like, you know, he's like,

what good would it be if I fucking told you that I wake up thinking about you? Like, what is it met? You know, like, it really is, it's nicely written. But like, the two of them really just fucking go at it in this scene. Yeah. And then they decide to get together and, like, the news is that they're getting married. And this is when Adrian Brody just kind of, it's kind of, it is a great scene, but he just comes upon, you know, Joaquin Phoenix, I guess he's a blacksmith or some nonsense, some nonsense job.

I don't know what he's working on. It would be cool if I knew. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah, that'd be nice. And it's just basically like, well, you probably heard there's different kinds of love. And like, Adrian Brody's not having. And he just dabs this dude.

And again, like, yes, if he was just a jealous lover, like the evil kid or like the bad seed, it's a much better ending. It's a much better movie because making him like this guy who's not responsible for his actions, it just it's a sticky bad idea. I almost don't even understand this at all because he gets stabbed in the gut. He falls down

and then there's a double tap of being stabbed in the chest. Yeah. And you're telling me you could go get some penicillin down the road and he's going to be fine. That's a thing later too. Yeah. I don't believe it at all. It's really really suspect here. Like if you just had the one in the

Like, as we know from Reservoir dogs, it takes a long time to bleed out. You've got to have, you got to define these characters more. If Brendan, uh, Brendan Gleason's not the minister, maybe he's a doctor. Yes, exactly. And maybe he actually knows what doctoring is in the 1980s or whatever. There is a secret doctor. The fucking tall guy who's been in a bunch of shit. You know, you know who he is?

He's from the happening. He's hot dog guy. The doctor is the hot dog. Yes, you're right. I recognized him from something. That must be it. But then, like, I need more scenes with that guy. I need to see him patching him and up more.

I agree on that part, but it does serve for a rad. As much as I was criticizing me, like, why don't they talk normally to each other in private? It works for me one time where William Hurt is basically asking this guy, like, hey, man, can actual medical technology save this guy? You know what I mean? Because he's like, if you tell me right now that there is a chance. Hey, look at me. Look, make eye cut. Is there a chance?

Wink, wink, that the boy will live? Like, he's saying, like, can we fucking send somewhere out to get actual medical equipment? If I was to go to an H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L, would there be hope for my boy here? Now, Dr. Thompson, when I look at you, you know, like, it is kind of a neat moment, but it's also just dumb because just ask Jerry, if he can stitch him up. So yeah, he brings, and Ivy is like, you know, she's like, I'm going to go to the towns. I have to do it.

And he's like, well, she's blind. This is crazy enough to work. And he tells him that the monsters aren't real. And he gives her a watch because there's no money. First of all, if you're doing this thing, you need like 100 grand in cash just in that in that bunger. You need that Doc Brown suitcase with all kinds of money. You're a billionaire.

So you could just have a million bucks in cash on hand. You should have a map of the preserve too. This is when we should start thinking. something's up without I guess it maybe it would be too much of a twist for him to have like a well done map or whatever but like yeah this movie

it falters because they try to do that twist it's suddenly all right what you need to do is go here take this money and this bag and when you get past the preserve you put on this quiet riot t-shirt and these these my daughter

are dungarees you will blend in amongst them Is she being sent because she is blind? I think so. And that's like, oh, well, now they'll preserve the way of life. Fucking sick shit, dude. It's fucking twisted. I mean, it's also a weird thing.

You also hear some line where it's William Hurt. Apparently, because, like, clearly Bryce Dallas Howard was not born blind. Like, the character's not born blind. And because he's got some line about, like, don't you know how hard it was when I was told my daughter was going to lose? her sight was failing and it was like, hey man, you could have fucking high-tailed it to that bathroom. I would be keeping that to myself, William, that one I would die with honestly. Yeah, I blinded my daughter. She also says like she can see people's color. Yeah. And I think she can

kind of see that she's surrounded by red at one point. Yeah. She goes out of the town. She just needs glasses. And they just don't have them. And they refuse to give them. She's got a stigmatism. I was like, well, here's this cane to get around town, I guess. But it's, okay, when you get there, you put on these. By the way, get me, go down to Fort Street and get me what is called a cheezed steak. Cheezed. It's a very old-timey food that I have not had in many moons. Let me ask Brendan Gleason, okay.

A chopped cheese as well. He's really into them. Oh, all right. Now I knew I told Brendan. now it's turning into a big order. So that's two cheese steaks. No, you know, I'm going to write it down. We're going to write it down.

Hang on a second. It's three bacon egg and cheeses on a Kaiser roll. What are you having? I tell me what a pizza. Eight coffees, light and sweet. Oh, wait. I guess I have to start this all over. A baconeth cheeses egg and.

And as a reminder, this laundry list of things we need you to get is, yeah, it's going to keep the monsters away from us somehow. They hate bacon. They just straight up hate bacon. Do not return to the village without a turkey club. Okay, yeah, and you've got to go to yeah, all right, you got to go to

a place called B. Dalton's. I think it still exists and get anything by Jodipakal. Anything. We don't know. Just ask the lady. It keeps the monsters away too. Ask them how many Ludlums have come out since 1988. and just get all of them for me.

What is a ludlum? Yeah, it's a monster repellent. Just fucking shut up and get it. Shut the fuck up. By the way, ignore the fact that we're a vegetarian village. Get that meat. Oh, I know. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. All right. All right. Yeah, also, we're, uh, I need you to pick up a box of what's called condoms. I'm tired of wrapping it up. I mean, I have knocked up Sigour. Weaver so many fucking times.

Most of these are Sigourney's children. That's a dumb thing in this movie that they never explain why it exists the way it does. It's like William Hurd is so in love with her but refuses to do anything about it. And that doesn't go anywhere. No. It just, it doesn't get paid off at all.

She smells him at one point. That's like a good seat. Like I kind of was like that's, he's patient enough to let it seem like that sit for a minute. Sure. But like it's just in the middle of this fucking terrible everything else is terrible so that thing just gets wrapped

up in it also just get it wet I just need more of it I guess and it's like I'm not saying this movie should be two and a half hours but maybe it would be better possibly like and just because you could do that like you should pay this stuff off if you're setting it up you know what I mean like

and maybe everyone in town has some sort little detail about them and like that's if we're talking about the village which is sure he does kind of allude to that right with those boxes that they all have. Oh, fuck off. But you only see William Hurt open his. Yeah.

You know, and like, Sigourney's got one. I don't want to know what's in Brendan Gleason's chest of or. Also, they all look like they haven't aged that much. What did this just happen 10 years ago? I've just spent like eight years, you've been in this little place? The newspaper that M. Knight has

is dated that it's, it's set in 2004. This is 2000, but when did it start? When did they go in? The 1970s. There's no fucking way. Or the 80s, I don't know. They have like that one photograph and like they are

de-aged in that one picture that William Hurd's looking at. But like William Hurd, if that was true, William Hurd would have a cane. Whatever fucking make a goddamn wheelchair out of a tree, I guess. That I'd like to do something. It would be fantastic if they were all amputees

because everyone kept getting like fucking gangrene and it's like, well, you know what? In for a penny. Eat for a pound, Fred and Gleason, hold on to this wood while I saw your leg off. I took an oath. But so she goes with Michael Pitt and Fran Kranz. And yeah, she's got the magic rocks, which I think even she knows is bullshit. She drops them after they leave.

It's a great shot. When they both finally, like, run away. It's a great, like the camera follows it down. She turns it over and dumps them out. I love, though, when this mission starts out, they just cross into the woods. Fran Kranz is like the third guy in Dog Day Afternoon Who doesn't go into the bank He's just like

Fuck it Just runs away I kind of want like the seeds of them coming Like both of them one at a time Coming back to the village And it's just like Well he was like oh man We really need to tough with these kids

Oh my God Look at these dough boys Jesus Wow not one of them brought back a bacon egg and cheese All right How is she supposed to carry all that you really fucked up this order. The Michael Pitt, when I don't even, I get even less because he's like,

he spends a night in a tent with her and they keep going. And then he's like, uh, that's enough for me too. He's another character that just decide not to focus on define whatsoever. Yes. The last line that Jesse Eisenberg has in this movie,

he's fucking out of focus in a doorway. He's the one that runs in when Bryce Dallas Howard fans Joaquin Phoenix on the floor and the only way you know it's him is because you can hear his voice but otherwise he's completely out of focus. Mr. Walker! I got to say Jesse Eisenberg, you're going to talk about twisty movies

is the star of probably the stupidest movie I've seen in quarantine. Really? Was Viverium gang. That's on prime now for free. Vavarium? Vivarium? Vivomium. What is this about? It's him and I want to say Juno Temple maybe or

is it her or mea, what's a cast? it's one of those and there are a couple that go to look at a house and then creepy stuff happens and then they're stuck in this like is it a haunted house movie no you wish it was oh really it's so I will spoil it here if you got if folks are into like stupid twist movies you were wrong twice Steve it was Imogen Poots that's the third of those three yep yeah interchangeable pale women yes but yeah it's it's a terrible movie just an FYI But so, yeah, so she's now alone Because Michael Pitt, it's kind of great

He's like, well, you're blind And the monsters will take pity on you And she's like, yeah, right, asshole. It's a total garbage thing too Because he's like, you know, just like they took pity on Adrian Brody or something. Gotta go. Why would you assume that these, like you are told

These are meat-eating monsters. Where in the lore? Is there anything about sympathy to the week? differently abled or whatever. They say something about a truce. If we keep to this truce, they'll blah, blah, blah. There's a meat ceremony where they toss some livestock out. Like a half a lamb.

I think it was a half of the pig. Oh, it might have been. You cut to Brendan Gleason, like, that's pretty good. That's a little BBQ. That's actually a great point because, like, they, he says an elder removes it. They take turns. Yeah. So I feel like someone's just eating a pig in the woods.

Absolutely. Because apparently this is a vegetarian. Village yet we're raising livestock. Why do you have pigs if you're not eating them? I understand having cows for milk if you're not eating them. Sure. But what is a pig at? Well, the pig shit is just fantastic. Well, yeah, I got

a fertilizer. Yeah. But so she's off on her own now and this is, I mean, and again, like, there's a scene where it's her and like she looks and like there's a little bit of a red berry and then we pan up and oh my God, there's so many red berries.

You've already told me the monsters don't exist. I don't give a shit. And that's, it's so fucking stupid because the movie thinks that that one throwaway line from William Hurt. That's why it's like this pseudo double twist because he's like, and maybe they're definitely real also. Yes. So that when she goes there, because right after that, it's a cool shot, like the reveal of she's in this like Barry patch or whatever. Then you see the mom star like right after that and it's the movie doubly lying to you like, oh shit, is it real? But whoops, boy. Spoiler alert, that's Adrian Brody, who, if I'm understanding correctly, after being locked in a schoolhouse or some shit, found a backup costume underneath floorboards, put it on and ran into the forest and somehow knew how to find her after she'd already been out there walking for a day.

It's whatever. I mean, yeah, it's a lot. She does fall in that pit and get stuck and has to climb out. Bit of a rad scene. Maybe that was eight hours and we didn't know. and that allowed him to catch up. Yeah, that would be doing it. She was hanging there for a whole day.

But her experience in the pit allows her to trick this monster, which was pretty interesting. She also gets mud all over her. Like the Batman. Ah. Rasa. Rossah.

Hitch. Awesome. Awesome. I'm almost there. Oh, you were, you only. You grew up in the village. I was born in the village. That would be great.

If when Bruce Wade finally ascends. It's just M. Night Shamelon and a guard tower. Like, oh, it's actually 2012. Weird. Didn't see that coming, did you? Yeah. Hey, Bruce Wayne. You did it. Good job. Wine of coffee. Welcome to Philly. Yeah, it's just a big hole in the middle of Philly. Yeah, this is actually in Osa, Pennsylvania.

Nobody knows it. It's a big hole right behind the art museum. No one ever sees it. The older I get, the more I respect his decision to stay in Philadelphia, because it's like, you know, there's something to be said about sleeping in your own bed every day. Oh, absolutely. I totally get it. I'm not going to fucking. I mean, I really think I would love to know where old was filmed. It has to be. I'm telling you, they're in a fucking Philadelphia mall to end of that movie, it's a VR hunt. But so, and also another thing, when she gets into the whole like, oh my God, her cloak is now full of mud and that yellow color doesn't matter anymore. And I'm like, it hasn't mattered for. a while movie. Yep. Yep. That's exactly right. Why isn't she just flipping it? Yeah. And this is what, that's a great question. And this is when you cut back. Maybe she doesn't know that there's mud all over it. She's blind. You cut back to William Hurd who's telling the elders that he let her go and everyone's freaking the fuck out. And I would, if we have him, Brendan Gleason's like, well, if it had to end,

it had to end. I'm like, no, my kid died three weeks ago when he was seven years old. Yep. This, I'm sorry that he fucking had asthma, dude, and he had to fucking die because We all took an oath. Fuck you, William Hurd. Exactly. Who is Adrian Brody's father in this? It's just that the other guy. Oh, cool.

I know. See, that's what shows you the movie is failing on something. Weston's husband. Yes, it's her. Celia Weston is the mother. And then some guy, he's got like red hair. It's kind of heavy. John Christopher Jones is getting into the actor.

I would have loved more of this family dynamic. He was in Moonstruck, apparently. I mean, it would have been nice to watch him. I mean, he had to hide this fucking extra costume like it's the cocaine money. under the fucking boards. Like, how important was it? You already said this place is like forbidden. Exactly. Why would you put it anywhere else?

Did we mention that he falls into this pit and dies like in this like Yeah, Viet Cong trap that she sets for? Well, it's also great. So William Hart's like, oh yeah, like I'm going to let this go on and they're like but what about our kids? No, no, no. Ivy and Lucius are lead actors. They will lead our whatever

the next. He does say who, Do you think you're going to live forever? And I wish we got who wants to live forever from Queen? Yeah. Like he just says that? Totally. Needle drop. Needle drop, dude.

Technically, Noah is also a leading man, but that's been very recent. Very recent. The pianist is just out, folks. Anyway, what I was talking about? Bryce Dallas Howard. But yes, she does Viet Cong him. And he falls in the pit and dies. And here's the thing.

It's devastating. Because he has no clue. what's happening to him and you watch him suffer be confused and be scared and die if this was a fucking crime of passion guy and he was the pseudo v lane of the movie it's way easier to swallow

instead you're just watching this guy he has no fucking clue what happened to him and he just dies he fucked around and found out you know and that's the fact of it I'm sorry that he doesn't comprehend that he fucked around and found out

I mean that's the other thing right that the movie never gets to because no one ever gets to tell any of these people to go fuck themselves but like okay Brendan Gleason and William Hurt and whoever else you fucking took this out to Gordonie Weaver? I didn't yep I was born into it you never fucking gave me a decision like

and now I cracked my head on a rock in a hole and I'm dead and I don't know why thanks for jack shit yeah kind of nice shot of him with the monster helmet off while he's dying yeah no it is again great great cinematography this movie and great Adrian Brody acting when you give him

Just don't talk Adrian just sit there and die So she gets over the cliff and the wall And this is when like She tries Does the guy take the watch? That's my question He definitely does do it because at the end of the movie

When he's like oh hey I'm night Where's that huge ladder? No reason. He helps her over and everything The last shot you see of this guy He's in the truck and the fucking pocket watch is hanging from the rearview mirror.

You don't even need the pocket watch. All you need to do is call a fucking hard copy and you are a millionaire. Totally. You don't even know what's going on this thing. Absolutely. The lost walker boy. He started a commune.

Totally. Hey, you know, fucking any news outlet in the world. Ted Cople, what do you got tonight? Is it a slow Thursday? I'm about to knock your socks off, Ted Cople. Yeah. The fact that M-night has to be the guy

it's always the worst and like it's so like it's so annoying because you never see his face until it's in reflection it's like we know it's you dude i heard your voice dude i know exactly who's sitting at that desk what's funny is i only saw this in the theater and then now and i had been convinced in my mind that um knight and this character were like the same person yes i thought he was pulling up in a car that's so crazy that's exactly the memory i had i had totally wow in my head like m night getting out of that cruiser and being like what's going on here. See, because I was like oh, this piece of shit because he has to do a tricky shot where he reveals himself. When he quiet opens the refrigerator and you see M. Knight

in the background. That's the reveal. He has to be a tricky piece of shit. For some reason, this like Ranger Station has tons and tons of vials of I don't know what this is. It's tons of different medications of all kinds. They say something, something

animal bite, whatever. But like, if you know this, William Hurd, then like every month I must go alone to the towns and I have the secrets thing that I could do with my fucking, that only I could do, by the way. And he comes back every month

and you get fucking insulin, you get fucking pedicillin and your children don't die in childbirth. But the other thing, like, and that could help your story also because then it's like, as these kids are getting older and Bryce Down and Joaquin are like, well, hey, William Hurt, you're doing this.

Like, we want to do it. And then they sneak off to do something like and discuss, you know, blow up the whole spot. And instead of doing the monsters, if you're leaning to the animal preserve, like there's so many fucking wolves in those woods. I bought a dozen wolves and put them on my compound because I'm a billionaire. Then that's actually something real and something potentially scary. And maybe that's why they don't eat meat. And that's why they put meat outside. out of town. You would do have Sigourney Weaver at one point saying like, because she's like addressing

them at one point and she's like, oh, well, it could have been a wolf or a coyote probably. So like they have talked about real animals like that. I just think it would be more convincing than a guy dressed in a porcupine costume. Definitely. Well, that's the most

annoying scene in the whole movie to me is there's this one scene because you would think they'd want to avoid a scene like this. But like Sigourney Weaver and William Hurt are talking behind a barn and she's like, it's not enough blood for a coyote. It's too tall to be a coyote. This isn't bullshit. All of this is real. I'm like, no, you know you're in on it. What the fuck? That was the scene. That was the exchange that made me have that thought of why wouldn't they talk normally to each other? You're like, you're totally wrong. Because it's like, what are you fucking delusional? Like is it Stockholm syndrome at this point? You obviously still, you are literally thinking every day of your life about. this fake situation. Yes, of course. Every time you wake up, you're like, man, I just wonder what the fuck. Is Matt still

on? Exactly. You know, I wanted to go to Rome before I died. I guess that's not going to happen. I guess I would have lived in this fucking whatever. Just get in this corner with Sigourney Weaver and like, oh, I said, Eisenberg's not here. Am I? Okay. Okay. Oh, God. I want to fuck you so bad. I haven't been able to say

it in so long, but I love you and I want to fuck you. And, oh, Joth, protest the the creature with the blood. How about you and me? We go on a fuck vacation. We go to the fucking Super Bowl.

Yeah. Yes, the Super Bowl towns we'll go to. I really loved going to the movies. I haven't gone to the movies in 45 years. So corny, the Eagles are good now. There is a Donovan McNabb. They found him. Oh.

And whatever. Or like, you know, he gets all the medicine. And again, yeah, you have to be the good guy in Kimmy Schmidt here and take this lady, just drive out of the fucking preserve. Absolutely. You've got to rescue this woman. And that's what it needs to be, right? Is it like the movie favors the notion of, you know, she gets back and society will continue

that way. I need to see cop cars rolling up on this compound, dude. A fucking chopper lands down in the town square. where really have those two visuals clash with each other at the end of this movie. Have the ending being like Joaquin Phoenix being airlifted out by a copter? With a fucking like oxygen mask over his face. Yeah.

And then we can do like a cool shot of like his body like on the edge of the helicopter. And you do like you see the ground of the village. You see the whole thing. Yep. And then yeah. And then it was like the camera just follows the chopper for a little bit. You see maybe the Philly skyline. Yeah.

something like that. Do that. Cool visual, cool reveal. It would be, it would be totally fucking rad. And then the most important turn in the movie, William Hurt and handcuffs. Absolutely. Fucking come on everybody. He goes down like Keith Reneer and Sigourney Weaver goes down like Allison Mack. That's how that shit goes. Yes, exactly. Definitely. You need that for and I guess it's just like he wants to turn it the other way because she comes back. And very interesting, after he's stabbed, you never see Joaquin Phoenix's face again in the movie. when she comes back, it's like sort of his angle from the bed

and she's just like, I have returned. Well, there's this thing, Jesse Eisenberg is like, oh my gosh, she was attacked by a monster and she killed it. And that's when what's her face, she starts bawling. And William Hurt just always put lipstick on a pig. He's like, oh, well, your son has given a valiant sacrifice and he will now make our way of life more realistic going forward. he hears he's like oh thank god i mean we will bury him yeah we will bury him no thank god i'm glad my

little daughter didn't even have to have this a cry because her boyfriend got hurt but your son is dead and then a few generations from now like the story goes down about how brys dallas hard got out there and a noble man named kevin helped i think it's like kevin becomes like their messiah oh yes dude because she says to him like oh what is your name what doth they call you and he's like Kevin. And then she goes, she doesn't say it, but she's like,

Kevin, as if to say like, that's not a real name. Yes, exactly. We don't have names like that in the videos. A great man known as Kevin

came and helped. All hail Kevin. It turns into fucking Beyond Thunderdome. Yes. Oh, God, you're Captain Kevin now. Well, Captain Walker,

speaking of Walker. Oh, Walker, right. Interesting. Oh, yeah. But yeah, it's a weird. thing where William Hurd is like he basically kind of puts

it back to the group because he's yeah he's like now the sacrifice of your son means that our secret is totally solidified now these kids are shit in their fucking pants now is everybody cool with it and like that everybody sort of stands up

who isn't already standing like Sigourney stands up from the table yeah then the dad Adrian Brody's dad stands up and then yes finally the mother stands like Okay, I'll sacrifice my son for this stupid sociological experiment. You've got to bury, by the way, those medicine bottles? Because, like, what doth is this printing upon this, this label?

Is this a gloss lamination? Printing. Yeah. Did the Gutenbergs make this? What is this fairy potion known as morphine? Oh, dude. And may I have more of it? Exactly.

Oh, do the oxy, Dan. Yeah, this wipes out the village. It's like three people left. Well, see, that's the thing is I want to know. know how they cut loose is someone brewing beer like what is going on yeah what is the booze situation and like you mentioned before eric what is going on with the weed because why would you not be growing weed they did 79 you're starting to compound that's how you keep people in line no absolutely no no no it's like hey you what you had a good day today it's her birthday or something

okay you get the water without the mud in it exactly like oh wow what a great way to live like and the last thing we haven't really talked we talked about a little bit like you hear one at a time all of their horrible stories. Oh, right. Because they do have these boxes in their house. Like, what is it with your fascination with my secret closet of mysteries? It's out in front of the kids. Like, they don't need, I understand, like, it's for them to remember what they're giving up and

blah, blah, blah, blah. But it's also, it doesn't, I feel like it's unconvincing in a way because it's like every person's just like, yeah, I had a family and they were shot and oh, I had a family and they were shot too. It's like, yeah, it's just this random. Like, my brother was a doctor and he got shot in the eye while trying to help somebody. Well, yeah, that happens. Dude, and Sigourney Weaver's husband, that's a, he went out for milk, no, dude, he was found naked in a, in a ravine.

Yeah, dude, Sigourney, it wasn't a trip to the grocery store. The turnpike rest stop. I mean, he's saying what we're all thinking. But yeah, I mean, you hear the, because she, she tells a. a similar she tells a similar if story to what King Phoenix

but then when you hear her tell it again instead of her saying like he was found behind a barn or whatever the line is you hear her say apartment building you know and things like that and you find that yeah it's it's it's an interesting idea like these people who my father was shot in the face

by his business partner that's why we don't have money anymore yeah exactly okay cool Because my asshole dad was killed by another asshole who then killed himself. So, yeah, I just, you know, kidnapped a bunch of kids. Yep, and I'm watching them die systematically from very easily preventable ailments. Oh, but it's very tough for me. Oh, this is so, oh, all the weight, the weight and the pressure.

Also, you know, a kid being stabbed in the gut and chest multiple times. Oh, he's fine. Oh, wait, wait. Oh, that special guy fell in a hole. Yeah, no, he's dead. No, no, no, no, no, there'll be no medicine for him. Yeah, no, we'll go. Someone's got to bury the body.

Get your, get your porcupine costume on and go dig him up. You think we should get to bring him to this better? No, no, bury him. I mean, Noah didn't really do any work. So I don't know anything. And also, I mean, like, also Brendan Skid was seven. I mean, come on. No great loss there.

Come on. It is just nuts, man. It's fucking stupid. Kevin. Oh, guess we're weird. worshiping Kevin now. The village is kind of getting, you know what? Maybe it's a little too annoying now.

Because every time I eat breakfast, I have to say, all pray to Kevin. Are you sure his name wasn't Michael or something? Kevin. But yeah, she walks back in the house and she just goes, I'm back, Lucius, and that's, you know. That's it. The end of the movie, I got to tell you for as unsuccessful as most of this movie is,

you got to stop. And this is not just M. Night Shyamalan. This is anybody who utilizes this. When you start rolling credits for your motion picture, you got to take the players right out of there. Yes. The players. It's the most pretentious.

Unless you're doing a literal Shakespeare adaptation, then you're okay. Sure. Even still, that's a bit fucking snotty. Even then I'm kind of rolling my eyes a little bit. But with the fucking dumb shit village, there are no players. Please.

It's just. But that is it. That is the end of the motion picture. directed by M. Night Shyamalan from the year of 2004. Would anybody recommend this movie, Steve Seda? I would not. I think that it's right on the border. The problem is you listen to this,

so you know the twist and all that stuff. I think the first time through, you're still not going to like it, but at least you'll be scared and like you'll jump a couple times and like be kind of interested in the world a little bit, but there's no second time through here. And again, it's really well acted.

It looks great. He's a very good director of horror and actors and all sorts of stuff the score is fantastic but it's just bad Chris Gavin I would recommend it slightly because I think

everything about it is good it just never coalesces there's never a sense of all this making sense in one package it doesn't hit like that even like signs like I'm not even that big of a fan of signs

but like that one is like it feels like a full movie this really doesn't for some reason and I think it's like the rediscover of this as like a new like people are like oh no now it's a masterpiece yeah you get it like

also like cloud atlas and those two stupid matrix movies they're all they're all masterpieces now we just didn't see it at the time we didn't see it you can keep your cloud atlas reprimer really is like we didn't drink enough bleach yet but now that the infrastructure

has failed and we're all ingesting lead suddenly those matrix sequels are amazing I mean it's desperation it's anybody who has like some kind of style that is genuinely their own now has to be celebrated. Yes. Because we don't have those anymore. Sometimes things just fail and I think

the Wachowski's are excellent at what they do, but more often than not, they take huge swings and they fucking fail at it. And it's okay. They're beautiful disasters. I mean, you can like movies if you want, blah, blah, blah. But I am game for the reappraisal of Speed Racer because I was in on it

from the jump. Still, to this day of not. Dude, we love marijuana. I want to see it. that pipe and watch Speed Racer, you won't regret it. It's a good one. Sorry. So I would also, I would kind of not recommend this, but I can see the slight argument to recommending it because it's, it's interesting to see the first time. I think it's interesting enough to see once, but it's just, it's dull as dishwater to me after a point.

Agreed. I guess I'm a slight recommend too, because I think this movie, there's so much going for it and it through large swaths of it like it does okay. It's like watching Simone Biles do a floor routine and then right at the end she fucking trips and falls into the announcer's table. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And like that's what you're looking at here because it's gorgeous. It looks great. The score is amazing like we've said. The performances are good. The cast is great. It's just the obsession with pulling off some kind of twist ending just cheapens the whole fucking thing.

and it's totally unfortunate I would have loved to have seen a prequel where they are setting up the society because like M. Knight doing a movie about a fucking cult that fails? Absolutely. Absolutely. So like yeah, if you haven't seen it, like

check it out even though you've listened to everything here because it's like it's cool to see something that almost made it. Yep. But I'm not on board with this reappraisal. I don't think it ultimately works overall. And there it is. That is the village, ladies and gentlemen. if you want more we hate movies of course

check out patreon.com slash we hate movies as always every month there is a ton of stuff going on we got a we love movies out on Iron Man yeah the first one we've got who's on the gleep glossary this month oh triclops which is Ken's

father and I saw you know there's some tweets going around people going a little viral for the Ken Palpatine tweeting and I'm just like hey sucker let it let people know let people know come on to the Patreon, listen to The Tale of Ken. Yeah, we also got on Melro 2 and O.

We've got a poker episode, which stinks. And for the uninitiated, that is our podcast recapping, Beverly Hills 902 and Melrose place, the classic series. And they get filthy every month. We try not to do it. It's impossible. Last month, we had a riff on tapper that will change your life. Yeah, what was that again, Chris? It was the Tapper video game, but they were drinking what?

Come. Okay, there you go, folks. Straight cum. Whoa. There's also the jackassmentary. Listen along as we cringe through that movie. Quite hilarious. I will say so myself.

But as always, here on the main feed, the show rolls on next week, the summer blockbuster extravaganza. Hey, man, it is continuing. And Steve, what's on the docket? We're returning to a franchise we've done before. It's not Weiss in the Juice Month, but it's The Mummy Returns. Ooh, yes. Stephen Summers back in the saddle. And some of the absolute worst CGI ever put to film.

We'll be talking about it all next week. So until then, I'm Andrew Juppin. Steven Zedek. Eric, Sis, Chris Cabin. Take it easy. That was a HeadGum podcast.