We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 560 - The Mummy Returns

Episode Date: July 27, 2021

On the final episode of the 2021 Summer Blockbuster Extravaganza, the gang goes back to Mummyville to discuss Stephen Sommers' dreadful sequel, The Mummy Returns! Why did they have to curse us with this awful child character? What were they thinking with the Deus ex blimp? And why cast The Rock and then not have him say anything? PLUS: Behold! Some of the absolute worst CGI in cinema history! The Mummy Returns stars Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, Arnold Vosloo, Oded Fehr, John Hannah, Patricia Velasquez, Freddie Boath, Adele Akinnuoye-Agbaje, and Dwayne Johnson; directed by Stephen Sommers. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, step right up for some of the worst CGI you'll ever see in your life. It's the Mummy Returns. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen the Sadak. Mommy, Siska. The cabin returns. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone, welcome to the fine program, as always. That's right. This week, the summer blockbuster extravaganza is back to Franchise Town. We are talking. It's ending, dude. This is the last. This is the last one?

As always, you can tell folks, I am incapable of looking at calendars. This is how we're rounding out the 2021 SBE Stephen Summers returns to write and direct the mummy returns from aught one. Somehow the mummy return. Somehow indeed, dude. Up front, we should say, if you're a Patreon subscriber, you were stoked to know that our good buddy Ben Worcester

was supposed to appear on this episode. But he is currently out on an assignment. Yeah. Yes, we'll get him back on as soon as we can. Had to send him to Honduras. It was a short, short mention here. We heard they were making some bad movies down there. We got him on the next boat out.

Yeah, he's just outside of the multiplex down there laughing. But when you see his reporting, when it comes in, it's going to really blow your socks off. Yeah, there's going to be, yeah, it's like Mike Lindell levels of revelations. Two-hour documentary about what he saw down there. But yeah, this is, of course, the sequel to the sequel to the. the 1999 smash sensation The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser

and that's previous episode Rachel Weiss yeah previous episode totally much better movie I have not A we did that episode in quarantine

somehow that was last year That was just last June I couldn't even believe it when I looked at it I can't remember a single joke I make in that episode so if I make it again good for you

they weren't memorable I guess those jokes That's a good point Oh yeah everybody's freaking memory is gone anyway I mean totally You should actually listen to the old episode And just

Just say that again Give your week a week off We should start really phoning this in You know like the other guys podcast Brand X Those are Brand X pods And this is the top shelf Well also like because this movie is so gosh

Dern similar to the 1999 Mume Like You might like who knows This episode might you might might be able to sink them up and just play him at the same time and it might be the exact same length of time I don't know but now we got we got a little kid picking his nose now oh yeah good Alex I might even be telling a so a story about my dad yanking me out of this movie that I think I might have even told him the first one but before we retread old material

let me hit play real quick coming soon to theaters Oh, fuck, yeah. It's the VHS trailer game. Everybody but Eric's favorite game about arcane materials, ladies and gentlemen. You notice, you notice, folks, I was trying to be nice. I was just letting him get through it. And then there he goes, dig right out of the game. Slander.

Dig right out of the game. Dude, you spend night day hounding me on Twitter about this. I am allowed to come at you. It's something. I'm making content out of this. Sure. This is the major trailer game, as you know, this is we've only got one this is the pen ultimate oh uh vhs trailer game i don't have the scores in front

of me but i will on the last one which i'm going to spoil can i spoil one that's going to be it's going to be the last episode of august which will be our mad max uh beyond thunder dome live episode there will be a vhs trailer game that will be recorded specifically for that that's right that's right we were going to do it originally it's part of that episode live but it got cut for time. So we're going to do it. And it's going to be on that episode. I just want to let people know that if you saw and tuned into frequency, thank you. But that's why it wasn't on there. And there'll be some brand new material for you when it gets released in August. So you'll be really excited about that. We'll know who the winner is at the end of that episode. We'll

crown the winner. Okay, Chris, congrats. We don't know yet. There he is. Mr. VHS Trailer game. For those uninitiated, this is a game we play every month. We're in I read off some clues These guys guess at it The scoring goes 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 at each clue If somebody guesses incorrectly in that round They're out of that round Until the next trailer is

Is going and it's a super fun game We love it And this is something you see on the You buy a VHS tape And you watch it And these are the trailers that are before In this case the money The mummy returns

Exactly And I will also say this In August When that episode airs, I'm going to have a little raffle going on Twitter on the WHM podcast Twitter that's going to go to some charity and the winner will get signed VHSs. Now we're talking out. That's what you want.

It is the most expensive way to throw out garbage. I will find a good charity and it'll be a good way. The here you throw this out sweepstakes. So, here we go. Let's get into it. Round one. Just a reminder, this is a 2001 movie. I think at least one or even more of these are previous episodes.

Holy moly. So that's what we're talking about here, ladies and gentlemen. Game Master's Clue. A holiday romp with shutter-inducing makeup design starring a former TV star and directed by a former TV star. Oh, fuck. I know what it is and I can't think of the movie. Can you repeat that? I can.

A holiday romp. Andrew Jupin I heard. Ding in. Just friends? It is not. Son of a fucking big bastard. Mother fucking titless piece of shit. Can go down.

Advantage Siska. Go on. Game Master's Clue. Sure. A holiday romp filmed with shutter-inducing makeup designs starring a former TV star

and directed by a former TV star. I can't believe I fuck this up. Well, I don't even know it. Yeah. I'm going to move on to number four to the trivia. Okay. People are yelling on their cars, ladies and gentlemen. Conk! Honk! Trivia for four points. No movie

other than this has featured so many characters in heavy makeup since the Wizard of Oz. Oh, guys, come on. I can't believe I ate shit on this. It's a bunch of people covered in makeup. Christmas movie. Can I help out with one thing? Oh, if you want to help out your

You should probably just whisper it to Eric It's not going to help anybody But maybe to correct your minds a little bit It's terrible It's terrible and people love it Eric Cisca It is the Grinch It is the Grinch

All I had to know this is terrible Good for you, dude All right, I like where this is going So Oh, was it the How the Grinch Stole Christmas Yeah, I mean it's how We know what we're talking about here. It's the Jim Carrey Grinch.

Yes. The TV star probably fucked that up, but that was deliciously on purpose. Round two. Everybody's back here. Another entry in a sci-fi adventure franchise that loses its prestige director and refocuses on a major character from the first film. So it is another entry in a sci-fi adventure franchise. Okay, so a sequel.

that loses its prestige director and refocuses on a major character from the first film. So it's a different protagonist but it was someone who was also in the first film? Something like that, maybe. Oh, man. And another means it might not be number two

it could be further on. I see. I see. Focuses on a character from the first film. Mm-hmm. The first film. That might have been like in retirement for the interleuding film. right right right and it's science fiction a sci-fi adventure franchise it lost its prestige director for

this one guys there was a prestige director involved this is the first time he said no thank you he or she what was the whole clue game master's clue definitely that that's all i want to do that another entry in a sci-fi adventure franchise that loses its prestige director and refocuses on a major character from the first film. I'm going to move on to trivia in two seconds. Go for it. Wait, you're going to do it, Andrew? You take a big swing for five points? You're not? No, I fucking

sucked shit already. All right. Trivia, Tribune trivia. Stan Winston likes to say we don't do special effects. We create characters for film that's Andrew Jupin. Jurassic Park 3. That is Jurassic Park 3 for four big points. You know, my mind, because I was thinking about the time period, I was like, is this alien

resurrection? that's the first one, Spielberg in direct. The prestige thing that was where, yeah. Okay. Last one, but there's a bonus round. And now just for no reason, just because the first two were on my VHS tape and there was like a five-minute clip

from the upcoming Scorpion King movie. With Michael Clark Duncan is in that movie? That's right. I forgot about that. Yeah. But this one, because it was trailer light, there was a lot of like, you should buy other universal movies. I wound up going to the UK on YouTube. So this one is off the UK. It's not a UK movie at all.

It's an American movie, but just an FYI. It's a little different. Game. I would keep that in. Game Master's Clue. Two huge stars are paired for the first time in this offbeat romantic vehicle, centering on an antique gun. And Andrew Jubin. That's the Mexican.

Wow, the Mexican. Yeah. Nice. We saw that together. Yes, totally. I saw that in the old multiplex days. Is being shut out. I know.

This is a good day. Or is this all part of our plan? Probably. You know what? That's what it is. You're trying to make it look believable before you clean my clock on Mad Max beyond Thunderdome. All right. So for five points, here is the first of two bonus questions.

The second one I don't think anyone's going to get, but who knows? so bonus and now here's the way this is going to have to go yeah um i need you all to wait until i complete speaking and then raise your hand because this is going to be more of a guessing thing and i don't want you just raise to guess got you okay okay bonus based on a 2001 release date where and by where i mean which number was the tremors franchise at

Oh, Chris Cabin. Four. Incorrect. Five. Ooh, incorrect as well. Three? He's got to go three. That's five big points.

Is there four or five? They're now, I think, are five. Like, as of most recently as maybe like a year or two ago, there was like a new Canon Tremors movie that was like sci-fi only. And I think that might be five. So that's another five big points for Andrew Jupin. And finally, for 10 bonus points. What?

If you could give me the full title to Tremors 3 including the subtitle. Does anyone have... Including the subtitle? You can't just say Trembur's 3. Tremors 3 Aftershocks? It is not Tremer's 3 aftershocks. Tremors 3 colon, World at War, dash, underground.

That is correct. No, it's not. And Chris, you had to give it a shot? Yeah. Tremors 3 returned to perfection Oh, yes, okay That's why I guess we're the town That's the first one

That's made with the town That's why that was 10 points No one was going to get that No, no Now I regret not being a tremors fan I wish Ben Maybe Ben Wister's a tremors fan And he's excremented his car

In Honduras Yeah, hopefully Well, you know, Get back with that report soon, Ben I can't believe they sent me here I could have had this one The guests might have had it oh man so yeah the mummy returns uh this has it starts with this like uh like you know this prolog

about the scorpion it is like 20 minutes of a different movie it is it's 20 minutes of the scorpion king movie yeah 30 67 bc oh wow to see you know the time later on we go at we move ahead to 1933 Egypt, though. That's right. Just so we all know. It's just like, I mean, like, the rock was getting heat. This is his first like breakout movie. This was his first movie, period. Yes.

He looks small. He does. Oh, yeah. Nowadays, he looks like the Cloverfield monster. But here he looks like, this looks like attainable. This is what he looked like, I mean, minus the long hair. This is what he looked like when he was rassling. Yes.

This was his rassland size. He didn't have the shades in this one, though. That would have been cool. But I'll tell you what, we are having. a ball with the eyebrows. Oh, yeah. Both on the rock during this prologue and then the cartoon character rock

at the end of this movie. What a nightmare that is. What a living nightmare that is. It's absolutely unbelievable how terrible it looks. Like he looks more realistic in the WWF attitude game that came out for Nintendo 64

where he and Stone Cold Steve Austin are just like fucking polygons fighting each other. Way more realistic than this movie, man. it's nuts, like how much, how much business is given to the Scorpion King when he doesn't matter. Like, I mean, I guess the idea is to set up this spinoff, but I mean, my God, like, just either make it Arnold Voss lose the bad guy or, blah, blah, or, you know, or to the Rock. You can't have both.

I mean, I feel like there was a last minute pitch to that because, like, it does feel like it just is on the, it like bookends the movie. Yes, he does. They bring him at the end. And, like, you could have just had the Scorpion King be a stupid score. instead of like a centaur or just not have them at all. You could just be like, oh, it's about the bracelet. If whoever gets the bracelet gets the undead army or whatever.

And then you go back and add in like, oh, yeah, Scorpion King. That's cool. Because it's kind of like, why I wish it was more just centered on Voslu's Imhotep character in this movie is because that is the track of those, the OG universal monster movie, mummy movies. Yes. It's like every episode or every sequel is just like some. other undercover follower

of whatever the you know, sect is, the secret cult that worships the mummy just resurrecting the same dude more or less and like so just do that. Like it's another guy, it's Mr. Whatever the fuck in this movie this museum curator who's

like secretly bad, I mean unsecretely bad I guess to the audience. Yeah. Well, it's weird too because like it's we lose a lot of that universal mummy stuff that is in the one. The first one's very like aware of that stuff. This is just sort of like a sequel going in its own way and it's a bad way. It's a very bad way. I mean, because you're trying to do a bigger Indiana Jones-esque adventure, which the first movie is very much like, you know,

influenced by Indiana Jones. This movie way more so, the score is completely stealing from Indiana Jones music, John Williams' music. But like, we're in this big blimp and there's title waves and all this and like all of it looks rotten. No, no, no, no. you see ours goes ba ba ba ba ba blah blah it's there's

blah blah blah I love there's one scene I think it's when they're when they're returning home and the beginning

of the movie Brendan Fraser's even wearing the hat and I'm like that's illegal that's it that was it you fucked up

this time guys now Spielberg's gotcha and it's kind of funny Stephen we got them he's wearing the hat we're going to take these fuckers down let's do it

All right, I'll take you off the leash, George. Sue them. Sue them to your heart's content, my boy. It's almost like, because like he comes up to Rachel Weiss in like the foyer of their big house and she takes it off immediately. Don't let anybody see you with that on. Sh, let the camera catch you.

Jesus. But yeah, it's the story of the Scorpion King who was the legendary Scorpion King, question mark. Big popular ruler. Everybody loved him. Huge army. So what was it? He was like, he was like, I'll give my soul to Anubis.

Who's a real guy, by the way, and a dogman. Uh-huh. And then he'll give me this undead army. And you see this undead, not undead army. I guess they're dogmen at this point. Yeah. Just regular living dogmen. Like demonic kind of, I guess.

Jackal people. Yeah. Well, that's Anubis's army. The whole thing with the Scorpion King, I think the deal is he's like, because they get caught in the desert and they're all dying. And he makes it, we're told a deal with a newbie. that's like if you spare my man I'll be like in your service or whatever

they're in a forever war they lose and there's this like great shot of the rock look because it's totally silent he looks back at like the forever war and he's like well you won't have the scorpion king to kick around anymore and then they get banished to the desert

got it dies and he's like and his thing specifically is if you if you let me help me cast revenge on my enemies okay that's why he gets the the devil army. Yeah, he prays for an oasis and like the background from Donkey Kong country on Super Nintendo pops up. I thought I was going to see a barrel explode with bananas.

Banana. Banana. Banana na-na-na-na-na-na-na-da-na-na. Boy, they had some fun, clunky little music in them games. Oh, yeah. Come on, Dedy Scorpion. The CGI is awful in this movie. One CGI moment I did like is when this little city is being attacked.

You see, like, little people fall off of buildings and stuff? Oh, that's fine. Yeah. Yeah, that's cute. I like that part. There's a lot of, like, bad computer miniature shit. Like, there's one shot where, like, it's capturing the train from very far away. And it's clearly just a little computer train.

It looks like some bad Thomas the tank engine shit. The smoke mummy face at the end of this is from a scrapped, like, the third album by Snow. was going to use this fucking picture. It was disgusting to look at it. Snot drop. I like this. Wow.

Oh, yeah. Snot, man. Saw them open from Motley Cruz. Did you? Yes, I did. Oh, it's not a real band? It's not a real band. Oh, fuck.

That's dumb. I thought you were making up a fake rat or something. People are screaming in their cars about snot. Oh, there's a lot of snot fans out there. Oh, I don't know. I like to rub it on a napkin myself. I will say, I don't know What do you think is worse?

Because the oasis is really bad But it pops up Yes It's either that Or the Scorpion King At the end Or maybe someone's got A dark horse

No I think the order Has to go Scorpion King Yeah he's really bad Then that fucking blimp The tidal wave The blimp and the title wave The dogman though

The dogmen are I mean that is some sub Scooby doo shit It looks like fucking goofies here now. Oh, hey, Anubisle, yuk. Our own Egypt. Going to have to cut your head off the yuck. The goof troop, dude. This is what it is, man. Death Army.

Farrow goofy. I'm going to take your soul forever, Mick. Okay, Max. You're going to be buried with me. Oh, yeah, bury that fucking kid. But yeah, so the Scorpion King gets to destroy this other town that he was really mad at, and then it's like, all right, now you're

banished forever or something. Now he's, yeah, he gets, well, is he swallowed up by something. The Rock is doing some bad screaming here at the front of this movie. Every couple of years, it's the year of the Scorpion and that's the one you want to look out for. Right. He gets hit by like a sunbolt. Yes, that's what it is. Like, it's like a two bit lifting from the fucking body.

Totally. Soul thing. That's right. God, it's stupid. Yes. It's just so weird. You cast the Rock, like, and I know obviously like you're afraid because it's a wrestler and like, yikes, this could go really bad, which it usually does.

Absolutely. It almost always blows up in your face. But so that's why you're protecting yourself. All right, he's not going to talk. But it's like, I want him to talk because fucking Dway Johnson was actually really good. It is weird, though, looking back now 20 years after the endless string of movies that that dude has made, you know, I think we kind of take that for granted. But you're right. Looking back on it now, you're like, when's he going to say something? Yeah, because he's all about, especially now.

he's a deliverer guy the way he says things is what makes him and at this point they're just like okay what I want you to do is growl in that direction like he's always in these movies he's always referring to himself as like the big bald brown monster and all that like he does that

on Instagram like that's all I'm the big bald bald blah blah really the big bald monster oh dude yeah all the time you know and so it's weird now where it's like he has one line in this movie that the subtitles were at least trying to tell me was ancient

Arabic or something. Ancient Egyptian maybe like, sure. Who knows if any of that language is legitimate, but that's what it's. So he's got one line in there and then he's his little yellow soul gets pushed out of his body. That's your classic the mummy thing. It's like, are you vaguely brown?

Then you're a mummy. Then you're an ancient Egyptian. But where was I going with that? Um, something, something. It looks terrible. I don't remember. It's just so stunningly bad. Sorry. No, no, no. We're in the desert, dude. He gets the sunbolt, and then we cut back to

Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weiss, and this kid. Now, here's my first fucking, I need to know this. Somebody has to give me this. Here we go. Where are they getting their money? And you went up to this person, who's giving it to money,

and be like, yeah, we're going to go to this collapsing building in the middle of Honduras. It's like, it's just completely right. We're bringing our five-year-old child. no insurance. Don't worry about it. We're good. Oh, it was 1933, dude, was insurance invented? That's true. 1933, like that kid was

insurance at 33. That kid, but that kid's expected to work on the dig, right? Yeah, I guess so. But like, I'm still like, you're giving them money to bring their kid along. And also, like, you bring them along and then you're like, all right, junior, you hang out in this fucking sarcophagus. Mommy and Daddy are going to go fuck in the next room because that's what this is all about. They are so horny for each other. And this kid is a wet blanket from that dick getting where it needs to go. I think they, they're two parents that realized like, oh, we definitely shouldn't have had this kid. Yeah.

And it's like they love him. They care about him. Obviously, the whole movie is them trying to get him back. But part of them is like, man, I can, you know, we can't just come home from a nice dinner out and just start fucking on the kitchen floor. Like we can't like our lives forever now are just, everything has to revolve around this little Alice. Oh, and you have to imagine, after that first movie, they get back, they are fucking, like, rabbits. Oh, you survived the mummy. You are fucking nonstop.

And then this piece of shit kid has to come around and, like, he's touching all this shit with his fucking chocolate fingers. After being in the desert that long dry, you want to be home and wet. Exactly. Dude, you go to England. You go back to England. You're getting fish and chips and you're getting it wet, dude. Totally. Things are getting a little.

fishy. But yeah, so they're like, all right, you just hang out in this fucking abandoned crypt. Like, again, like, get a babysitter or like stick it with John Hanna if you have to. Yeah, you got to get that scumbag brother-in-law out of retirement. He's coming on the adventure also. Of course he is. Of course he is. No, but for this adventure, when he's not there yet, you just, he's got to be the babysitter forever. Or like you just stick this kid in England, put him in a fucking foster home. Didn't they, they had like, you know, rich people send their kids to like boarding schools and stuff. Go to Switzerland or some shit? Yeah, just have a big

burly person, whip him. Yeah, go to uncle school instead, I guess. Is that what John Hanna would be giving him, I guess? Yeah, yeah, lessons in how to be a selfish coward. That's that character. Look, always have a cleavage on your arm. Okay, that's lesson number

one. How do you do that? I guess by being like a famed, you know, explorer and adventure. Do you mean just like groping someone? No, but like the lady who who comes done with him is literally, it's like, cleavage. Cleavage on your arm. I'm just like, is it growing out of it? On your arm, old speak, like, you know,

on the town. A piece of arm candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, not that I understand. Okay. I'm saying a piece of cleavage on your own. The dumb choice here to do this at all is just infuriating because this movie, you don't need a kid. The movie came out two years after the first one. Yeah. It is set 10 years after the first one. So this kid can be like talking and running around and like, you know, doing things to help the story, this notion of like, well, they obviously have to have a kid.

No, they don't. Have it be two years later. There's another fucking mummy adventure. What were you, were you worried that the kids weren't relating to the adventurer the first time? What the fuck is wrong with you? Like, you don't need to baby it more. You're not going to get three-year-olds interested in it.

They don't understand what's going on around. This kid is like three, right? Is that the idea? No, he's like six. He's supposed to be 10 years old. What? Ten. I'm sure he's 10, but 10 is. He's like three going on 10. I mean, they don't say when he was born, but this movie takes place 10 years after the first year.

And I mean, I feel like she got pregnant immediately. Right away. Because they were fucking on the boat back. What are you kidding me? Well, I tried to wrap my dick in cheesecloth as a kind of way to stop from getting the sperm into her, but it didn't work.

Didn't work. Got a kid now. Shit. Blew out that cheesecloth. And the weird part is, like, it's fine to have. It's not fine to have the kid. They stick the kid in the other room. And now all of a sudden, like, Rachel Weiss is talking about visions.

And I'm like, all right, dude. We're adding a lot of stuff into this movie that does not exist in the first movie. Visions, dreams. The fucking kid. Disgusting shit boy. I think the problem with him is really the actor. Oh, yeah. He's terrible.

He sucks. Well, and also, like, they're just giving him a bunch of one-liners. And he's, like, got attitude. Oh, yeah. It's terrible. Also, and Eric, I'm sorry for this. A little too Aryan for my taste. Between Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weiss.

It should be just a little bit more, you know, ravishing. It is unrealistic. I would say so. I will say because we mentioned, I do know we mentioned it a lot in the first movie, the first episode. She's fixed her eyebrows, folks. Or they have fixed her eyebrows. Like, she was Betty Boop before. Yes, it was really skinny, like, really like, she's got regular eyebrows.

She looks like Rachel Weiss and we're all doing great. I do appreciate that they allowed the character. to continue existing in the form that it's in at the end of the first movie. Because, like, the first movie, her arc, part of it is, like, she goes from, like, Mousie Librarian to, like, getting in on the adventure at the end. This movie, she's a full-on, like, totally hot adventure, babe, is what's going. And it's just, like, I'm glad it didn't go back to, like, she's still again, like, the Mousy library.

And we're hitting the reset button like that. Like, it actually allows the character to continue. you growing, which is cool, only to a point because these magic visions that she's having out of nowhere and spoiler alert everybody, she is the fucking reincarnated Nefertiti, the daughter of the pharaoh from the first movie, like, get out of town. Why did that come up in the last movie?

Somebody should have said something. The only even, like the ref at all that's even close to this is she does say in the first movie that her mother was Egyptian. Yes, that's it. That's the only thing you get. That's the only way they're able to tie in this terrible development for this character. Well, because they definitely didn't think the first one was going to be as big a hit as it was.

Sure. Yeah, no. This was rushed. They were like, get this going now. Absolutely. You're just giving yourself so much more work. So she's like seeing all this stuff. She's like, oh, Rick, it's this way. That's where I remember it.

And I don't know how. And it's like, okay, great. And then Rick's got this mark on his arm all of a sudden. Which is such bullshit. He says he got it at the orphanage or whatever. It doesn't mean anything. It was a stamp they put on my arm at the orphanage in Cairo. Listen, bring me a kid.

I'll tattoo his arm. And then let's check to see if it looks anything like that when he's 35 years old. Also, after you have battled the mummy, I don't care that you're an orphan. You are now a world famous fucking monster killer. Get over it, honestly. Just say after you defeated the mummy, that mark mysteriously appeared. Yes, there you go. It's certainly not in the first fucking movie.

No, it's not at all. It's just another one of these dumb changes they make for this movie. And I'm sorry, that shit is desperate. It's like you couldn't find another way around that. And you're right. Like, something happens to him at the beginning of the movie and then it appears on his wrist. And I'll believe it. We're dealing with magic and mummies.

Totally. It's the mummy returns, ladies and gentlemen. I just saw the Scorpion King get his soul sucked out by the wind. Quick digression. I looked up this child actor, Freddie both here. Hasn't acted since 2013. Uh-huh. And the last thing he worked on was House of Anubis.

Sound familiar? Egyptian god again. Oh, weird. Was he reprising his character? No, he was playing Benji Reed. Okay. Apparently, this kid was such a fan of the original mummy. And again, this is IMDB.

Oh, I know I read this one too. No, I did not read this. He decided. he had an opportunity to act that didn't say what role in Harry Potter and said nah dude Mummy returns for me

Dumbass This is why mommy and daddy Need to be in charge You'll fucking do this Harry Potter movie You'll fucking do it But it's interesting Because I know You will do this Harry Potter movie

You're gonna do it You gotta do that Harry Potter That's what it was Here's the thing that I have the same reactions to you But then think about it for a second That mummy movie was massive

Yeah Nobody fucking knew what Harry Potter was going to turn into. That kid, I mean, like him and Tim Roth at the same situation when they had the opportunity and they didn't do it. It sounds good on paper, right? Because it's like I'll be the one kid. In Harry Potter,

it's me and 15 others, right? Sure, yeah, totally. Because he wasn't up for it doesn't say. Daniel Rabbit. Radcliffe. Yeah, that's it. Daniel Rabbit. Hey there, it's Harry Porter, Daniel Rabbit. Daniel Rabbit is

a cousin to fucking, uh, what Peter Rabbit. Peter Rabbit. That's fucking abomination of a film. Right. Is that there's a sequel out? There is. Right now with that. Yeah. They call it number two. Fucking. Huh? James. Corrid. Corrid. I can't even think of it. You mean America's beloved and funny men? Beloved American comedian James Corrid. Yeah. The first one at Domal Gleason. Like we had to get the talent out. Here comes James Gordon.

Well, no, who's playing the rabbit? Isn't it him playing the rabbit? It's Gordon again. Was he in the first one too? Yeah. He's always been the rabbit. He just doesn't have a voice because of, oh, no, I'm a funny little rabbit. Oh, no. Oh, I'm shitting pellets I am. Bip, beep, beep. If I was CBS, I'm like, hey, man, how do you have all this time to do all these other movies and your show still sucks? No, you got to stay here.

No, you can't do any other movies until your show is good. You have to stay late and make this show good before you can, then you can go off and have your movies. But until this show is even remotely good, you're not allowed to leave. Um, what about now? How about now and I? The serious, all seriousness, guys. Like, if James Gordon is listening, contact me, because I know you have a line on the devil.

You made a great deal with the devil. And I've been trying to do some black arts stuff in my spare time. Oh, cool. And it hasn't yielded much results. Is that what that eye tattoo is on your wrist? They gave me that at the orphanage. I see. It only took 11 seasons, but you've,

finally developed your orphanage face tattoos. Is this why you asked me to get all those frog tongues? Yeah, that's right. And you got that eye on mute? I do. All right. Oh, you can pay me finally this time? Pay you in a wealth on your bottom. Whatever. They're raiding

this tomb. This is where they get the fucking box with the bracelet on it. These three zeros who you're supposed to enjoy these like henchmen. The bad grave robber. but we are the good grave robbers. Totally.

Well, it's because they have like evil, evil, in quotation marks, like working class English accents. So they're like the scumbags. The one, the tall one looks exactly like Scott Ockerman. I just, I kept,

you're right. I kept being like, oh shit, is it Scott awkward? No, no, it's Tomb Raidersman. Well,

they're smart because the first one, they had the handsome Americans and they're taking attention away from beautiful Brendan Fraser. Sure. And then now they're like, no, no, no, the ugliest people on earth

and Scott Ackerman but yeah biggest diff though by the end of that like not by the end you know sort of like halfway through that first mummy movie those Americans are getting executed

left and right for various reasons because of the idea is like oh they are the ones and this happens to these guys too which is they're the ones that give like he takes his skin from one guy his bones from another right to reconstitute the mummy

and that happens in this scene in one scene and it's barely anything it happens to Scott Ackerman, doesn't it? Yes, it does. This is so weird, too, because it's like we're establishing that they're bad and they're evil because they're like looking at the pottery and they're like, oh, it's just a bunch of ancient rubbish, isn't it? And meanwhile, Brendan Fraser, our hero is like trying to get through a doorway and he's like, no, no, no, we're going to do it my way where we take a giant crowbar and smash this priceless, all written

out door or wall or whatever it is to ribbons. We're going to destroy part of this temple. And that's the good guy. And the bad guy is like appraising a vase and saying it's not good. Well, because I mean, his wife had a vision, Eric. You know what I mean? If your wife has a vision, you're allowed to desecrate whatever you want. And so is that, I guess I kind of miss that line.

Is the vision the reason why they're at this temple? Yes, that's my understanding of it. So they get the thing. Meanwhile, this other guy is going to kill them. And little, little Alex is like, I'm going to hit them with a sling. Take your Bart Simpson shit and get right the fuck out of your slingshots in my mommy movie? I don't think so. To, I guess, get closer to the 1930s, it's total Dennis the Menace Bulls.

Yeah, yes, big time. That would be funny of fucking Walter Mathau. Just kind of, what are you doing out there trying to shoot those good robbers? Walter Matho is the mummy would be amazing. Oh, I'm going to command the dark undead army of a new bitch. Yes. Don't call me M-Ho Tebow. Call me Stan. I go by Stan this stuff. Stan the Mummy. Do anybody here have a Miller Light? I could have. And maybe a roast Biff sandwich. Would anyone like to drink Miller Lights? Eat a roast beef sandwich and go ice fishing? Stan the mummy. Got some potato chips there. Oh, yeah. I could tell you. Take some of them.

And my, oh, my ancient bride, Anne Margaret. Look at those mommy hooters. Hello. Who wants to watch a boring college football game on a scrambled tube television? Yeah, it's like, oh, my God, there's a woman that looks like Anne Margaret. I'm going to go resurrect Anne Margaret's soul to put it in her. Yeah, I guess I'm the goddamn Scorpion King. Great.

That's fantastic. Oh, my God. Look at my stupid. cartoon face at the end of this movie. Go ahead, baby. Do bye, bye, birdie. But yeah, there's some shenanigans. I will say, to this movie's credit,

this kid is threatened with murder like three to five times. Yeah, people want this kid dead. They should do it then. They should do it. Yeah, put me on that list. Not up, dude. You got, you got Adabisi from Oz in this movie. And he's definitely doing like,

I cannot wait. to kill you multiple times. There should be scenes where he goes up to the evil curator, I guess. Yeah, whatever with this dude. And like, I will give up all the money if I can kill this fucking kid. I know there's riches beyond. I know power unmentionable, but I have to kill this fucking kid. I buy it.

You know, and they like barely escape. And the kid's about to get ganged, but also the two. starts to crumble so the guys run away. We got, yeah, the old self-destructing tomb gag happens again. We also have a ref to the first movie because like all these shenanigans are going on.

It's like, oh, someone who written on a wall or something says like, he who opens this box will drink from the Nile and it's like, oh, what does that mean? And a wall explodes and there's flooding going on. We referenced the first movie where Rachel Weiss

knocks down all the bookshelves. Oh, yeah. in the library in this scene because the shit eating kid knocks down all these columns. That's what I mean that yeah dude. We're in sequel town man that's what's happening. Sucks. And it's one of those things where like Rachel Weiss and

Brendan Fraser are like about to drown and face death here and then oh thank God they had that kid because he breaks the law down and saves them by accident and he goes oops sorry I didn't mean to do that moment dead. Oh pardon

me? Did I wreck device for me? Did I take stakes right out of this movie? Oops, I guess I did. See, it's so confusing because he calls the mummy, mummy, and he calls his mommy, mummy. Very confusing stuff. Yeah, I didn't know what was what. We cut to the other bad guys. Yeah, this curator, which you only find out that he's the curator later in the movie. Because by the way, the child is the one that recognizes him. My question, though, and here's a big question. I think I would agree with you. Is this guy who's like a, he's Mr. Somebody in this movie, major player, of course it's just a white English actor playing an Egyptian dude.

Is this supposed to be Weez and the Juice guy and he's recast? No, I think, oh, possible. Because Weas and the Juice guy works at the museum. That's the first movie. I kind of think you're right. Oh, that's interesting. Well, because that's the weird part is like, if not, then I need a scene of this guy museum curating before it's a twist that he's evil.

You don't see the turn. Yeah. You begin after the turn. You're telling me about the turn. Are you looking up the character names? I want to look it up because it's going to kill me. I have to see if this is Eric Ivari's character recast. If so, if you recast our beloved Wees and the Juice Guy, you can go straight to hell.

Definitely. Fuck you. But they're out in the desert with Marta from Arrested Development, who I believe only existed in the last movie in flashback. And now in this movie... Correct. It's just... And again, like, I hadn't seen that movie in a year. and I still was like, oh, Marta's in this?

That I remembered she was the one from the first one. I remember her being that, but I was kind of lost as well. Yeah. So what's really weird, Dahl, is like, let's say, you know, you're just like, I don't know, a woman in your 20s in 1933. And you're just like, oh, yeah, I guess I kind of look like that ancient broad. Yeah, sure, shove her soul in me. Get rid of me.

Yeah. Destroy me. Confirmed not the same character as Weas and the Juice guy. Although, oddly, Weas and the Juice Guy is credited as Dr. Terrence Bay, B-E-Y. And, of course, the great Oded Fair, who's in both of these movies, is Ardeath Bay B-A-Y. Interesting. Don't know what's going on there. But yeah, so, all right, so at least Eric Avarie was not recast. Surprisingly, just because I'm looking at this cast list again, and he's like a buddy of Stephen

Summers and whatnot, surprised to not see Kevin J. O'Connor floating around in this movie. He probably just passed because they brought. everybody back for this one. Yeah. But again, you're Kevin J. O'Connor. You're passing on movies? Yeah. You pass on a chance to be the Mummy Richard? Did he die in that first one or no? He does. He's left

in a cave and you assume he's eaten by the scarabs. You hear him a scream, but I'm just saying like, you could recast him as whoever the fuck. Or he's even just like, oh, now I'm a skeleton guy and I'm doing the key. I love. I love skeleton

guys. There are a lot of skeletons to this movie. There should be more. Yep, and they're not good skeletons. I got to say. No, they're trash skeletons. I would say, like, D plus at best skeletons. I was thinking about, though, like mummies, like this mummy army, kind of like decent

cousins to the skeleton league, I think. Yes. Oh, for sure. Our partners in crime, the mummy army. They're just like us, but a little colder. They'll be here in a minute. Right now, they're all wrapped up. And they actually, well, they are kind of slow. They don't talk much.

We should actually be doing most of the talking on this one. What are you talking about? We're intimidating. Where are the... Get to the fucking point. Mommy, we... No, get to the fucking point. I have to take a shit.

Hurry up. You're just a skeleton. I know I am. I know I am. Oh, my God. I know I am. We'll be in the rear with the gear. Jesus Christ!

Do you know where we... I say, partnership over. Fuck you, Mommy, fuck you. If you need to take that shit, have some of my bandage. I won't not use your bandages. Wipe your pelvis. All right, we're done with that now. We're making an agent with the Frankenstein.

Yeah. Now we're ready for... Oh. By the way, you want to start your dumb fucking dark universe, you get Brendan Fraser on the horn. Rick O'Connell coming to fight the fucking Frankensteens and the bumpiers and whatnot. Absolutely.

That's the way it should have gone. You can say whatever you want about these movies and we're making fun of them, whatever. Brendan Fraser fucking kills it in these movies. He's bringing it 110%. He's got the juice. He's got the juice. So they get out of that one.

they get this box that has a bracelet in it which by the way this bracelet I think it's a different item but it's sitting in a hard rock cafe somewhere or a planet Hollywood rather no it's in our animation damnation of the horrible cartoon the bracelet features a lot in it oh dude I do not remember

a fucking lick from that cartoon get ready for it on our Patreon we'll be talking about the cartoon based on this when we didn't watch this first so we have no idea what's happening in the cartoon it should be very interesting listening they get back to their palatial estate

because I think at the end of that first one, they all become rich. I think that's what you're supposed to believe here. And this was a question, the exterior of this place, was this ever used as a main, Wayne Manor at any point? No, but apparently it was in the Omen.

Yes. Yeah, that I read. This is like pig shit luxury. It's disgusting and it's decadent as fuck. It's like, they robbed. They robbed Egypt of its national treasures. And now they're living in that pig shit luxury. It's disgusting.

That's all true. but when you murder an actual monster, Van Helsing doesn't have to do. He could be the most biggest piece of shit ever. He killed Dracula. Yep. Go ahead and you talk to him about that. And I still hate him over that.

That's right. It's me, Abraham Van Helsing. And I've van Helsing. Now, to show for it, I have all these fat stacks. Have a golden toilet, don't you know? I'm fucking models left and right. That's right.

there's a new piece of piece of ass in my bed. It's me, explorer Abraham Van Helsing. You know those, that special cocaine, they only give to billionaires? I have it at my ready.

And by fat stacks, I mean $100. That will last me for lifetimes. I have all these estates they cost me $10. Oh, that's pretty expensive. Hoyt it's hoit.

But I do think, yeah, you were supposed to believe that I don't, know if they were like awarded a certain financial prize due to slaying the mummy or whatever but I think it's like something came out of that and we're rich on because his house is out what it's grave robbing it is absolutely great and they're like all right and this is what they drop this kid this kid you don't even see the enter with the kid it's just uh Rick and uh Evie yes and they're like let's fucking do it let's do it right here want to fucking their tongue kissing

in the foyer and they're like that kid's that ugly kid's okay right yeah he's this okay dude Did you remember to feed it today? Because I'm so horny. I forgot if he fed it. Like a hamster. The thing about the kid, and this is not a knock against the adult that I'm going to compare him to. But this kid also suffers from a thing that many children have an affliction with adult face. He's got an adult face.

And in this case, the adult face looks exactly like Andy Richter. A little bit. Yeah, a little bit. And so, like, it looks like a deep face. fake of like someone did the mummy returns and this kid's face got swapped out with Andy Richter's on it. Well, now gets what I want to see. Yep. Let's get

some deep fakes and get Andy's face on that kid's face. I want to see Conan O'Brien with this little kid fighting the mummy. So it's like, oh wow, me mom and dad are making me another baby brother, but actually I think she got it tied up for something because they keep saying

they're making me a baby brother, but I ain't got one. I ain't never got one. These kids, like, I guess they're kids out there that are like that. They're like you need to up these numbers. I need more of me. That's disgusting. That's what you tell that kid to shut up. But he's just fucking around and

he gets this bracelet stuck on his arm and man does the, and then he goes, it's a little Oculus I guess. It's so stupid. This is, he's straight up got a video projector. Like, there's no other way to describe it because the special effects just make

it look like an actual digital projection which what are we even doing. Maybe it glows and then his eyes glow. It's magic and you don't project it. You just see it in the mind's eyes. Or he knows it. Oh, I just know it. I know where to go. Blah, blah, blah. It's just like, man, this movie, fellas, if you ever needed a reason to get snipped. Be well, John Hanna's just fucking in my house. Get out of here, John Hanna. That's a thing where I feel like the adventure that they were in in Cairo wrapped up. you know, a few days before they told John Hannah would. John Hannah's been house sitting and watering the plants

fucking laying his seed all over the property. Because he's got this woman back here. And you know this is not the first encounter he's had in this house while they've been away. Yeah, I assume there's a room upstairs with all the dead prostitutes from the, I mean, the months

he's been here. Hey, babe, your brother came on our sheets again. It's also a lot of blood in here. It's the fucking Dr. H. H. H. Holmes murder house at this point. Of course. I think he's killing again, hon. Because that's a joke. I think

like his intro thing is like, hey, it's been like a half hour and I haven't seen him and I'm like, maybe it doesn't need to be in this one. You know what I mean? Yeah, I wasn't holding my breath for John Hanna. So it would have been fine. But there he is. Someone in the audience is clapping. Maybe that little kid that is like, oh my God, I'm such a mummy fan, John Hanna.

Maybe Elizabeth Hanna, his older sister. Uh-huh. But in his thing, it's like, oh, last time when I beat the mummy by myself. He's a braggard, a boaster. Yeah. He's a coward, which is funnier. Yeah. Hey, John, why did I find a severed wrist under my pillow?

Just the wrist. I don't know how you did this. Just a chunk of wrist. I must have beaten it off, honey. But like, and then the little. Because here's the thing, though. he's running around boasting about like I defeated the mummy and whatever

it did make me think is this like is the adventure of the first movie like known publicly like was it hitting the papers in London mom's the word oh Jesus on this one

well wasn't like England like covered in sand at some point like someone's like hey what the fuck happened there you know is that the first movie I forget some Andrew did you just watch the first movie no that's why I was confused I don't think that's why I was confused

I don't think that happens in England or no or I guess they're all in Egypt You're thinking of the Avengers Oh of course I don't know Well they're in London for a fashion Because like you know That's how you're introduced to Evie and Jonathan

Got it She's working at the museum and whatnot And then she takes off To find Brendan Fraser Who's like in a prison Sure For some reason I don't know Oh I can't remember that

Yeah I was I had the fucking pipe wrapped around my finger Dude I'm all for that But now there's a seat on Rick O'Connell's castle here. Pretty decent action scene, I will say. I do love that people are able to get into the house and walk

around for a while before someone's like, who are you? Why are you here? That's, I mean, they're in like the Clue mansion. It's insane. It's really nuts. You know you're not locking all those doors that you really should be. You should be. At least the bathrooms. Make sure the bathrooms. I'll keep on that shit.

I know electricity is new and all. Oh, yeah. Oh, and if you have electricity throughout your house, I mean, you're already spending money there. That's true. Yeah, but so this is Mr. Hafez is this dude. Yes. And he's, you know, running with his

guys here. And their whole thing is they are trying to resurrect Imhotep. These are the dudes still the the, uh, what's the word I'm looking for here? The disciples of Imhotep or whatever. Imhotep has already been sort of resurrected in the previous scene. They found his body.

They found him and all the scarabs, eat all those dudes. I like a good scarab. kill. Totally. I wish like we could get a little more violent with this. Really see some dude's skin come off. The CGI looks pretty bad when they're supposed to be in the body and they're popping through the skin kind of.

Yeah, it's not great. Well, that was... Akekeke them out, which is kind of cool. The puking one is pretty sweet. That was clearly a note from the first one when they had exit audience surveys. We love the scarabs. Yes. The scarab deaths are fantastic. Also that Marta, more of her. Marta from a fucking arrest development. We just want

That's to the fucking divorced dad contingent. Yeah, we would like more of her, please. Oh, yeah. How about? Oh, yeah. And like one guy was like, give me like an ancient Egyptian cat fight. Like, you know it, sir?

Absolutely. We were looking for ideas. I got to tell you, that scene, that works. That scene works. It's 20 minutes out of nowhere. Just great filmmaking. Talked about it. Hey, man, I know what I'm signing on for.

And I signed on to watch the Mummy Returns. we also though you know in in tow with this Mr. Hafez is Adewel Akeinoe Agabaji I know I butchered it

I wanted to try once He's playing Lakna There you go There you go He's like the heavy And like I love when he pops up and stuff He's fucking great He was great obviously

He's at ABC on Oz He quit that for this Oh he quit Oz to do this Yes I think that's what That's what he's like all right I'll be in the moment me now. Maybe a mistake or no? Well, I mean, then he eventually made his way

to Lost, which he was on for several seasons. Or maybe just the one season. He pops up in movies all the time. Was he Killer Croc? Yes, he was Killer Croc. Yes, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, they raid the house looking for this, because you need the fucking bracelet

has to be involved. Yes, it's going to let you do. I mean, like, something, something. Exactly. Well, it gets so muddy here. Yeah. about because like they kidnapped they kidnapped Evie first yes and she gets taken away she gets kidnapped out of this like fight scene

she's kidnapped then they've then that's right they're resurrecting the mummy in some other chamber here and they're going to burn her alive which is kind of fun I like that and it's kind of great because for only because they want Imhotep to be like oh nice like some entertainment. Like it's got nothing to do

with the resurrection spell or like curses they're trying to do whatever. It's like, because they say like, all right, Emotep, like, we kind of thought you'd like to see her be murdered. Yeah. And he recognizes her, you know, from the first movie and he's like, you defeated me the last time. Burr. Yeah. Where's your husband? I want his ass. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That doesn't happen but shouldn't. We should say Art of Bay shows up here too. Definitely does.

And, you know, uh, you know, he's fun. Kind of, here's the thing. Here's the thing. I fully expected to be a thing where it's like oh we had this first adventure together when he comes back into this movie you know it's like oh my god thank you you hear Ardeth Bay

Brendan Fraser is treating this dude like garbage he's like what the fuck are you doing here again and then Ardeth Bay is like hello my friend and I'm like see you're thinking the way I was Ardith I don't know I think what Brendan Fraser is doing here is my reaction to this even though I like him I'm just like, what are you doing here?

The movie's getting overloaded. There's too much in the movie. There's officially too much in the movie. I mean, I would agree with that. But, like, I think the bigger thing is, Ardeth Bay is a piece of ass. Oh, yeah. And if you have him around,

Rachel Weiss is not looking at your dirty, stinking ass who made her get pregnant with this piece of shit child you've got running around. He's a beautiful fucking man who might sweep you up somewhere. Every day is a reminder of my mistake when I look at my son. I feel like Brennan Fray's. pre-2005 never was like, oh, is that guy better looking than me? I don't think

that's something that he had to worry about. This is one of those situations. He's the actual jigolo and deuce bigelow, male jicolo. He's got all those fish. Yes. In that tank. Gorgeous. Dumbest shit that the dumbest trivia I've ever seen was, do you know the actor, whatever the

actor's name is? Oded Fair. Odin Fair. Oded Fair doesn't have face tattoos. That's just for the movie. I'm like, what am I fucking stupid? Like, yeah, I know. Did you know that in the place beyond the plines, Ryan Gosling didn't get all those tattoos on his body? That was just makeup.

Jared Lettow's Joker. Surprise, they're fake. And Ed Norton doesn't have a giant swastika on his chest, just so you know. What? Oh, I know a little tribute here from the movie seven. Oh, Gwyneth Paltrow wasn't beheaded. That was a prosthetic, honey. Honey, that wasn't actually her head.

Prostatic. Did you just get an interview with David Fincher like, like, yeah, you know, I tried to get her to get her head cut off and she just wouldn't go for it. Some people are just not as committed as others. I don't know what to tell you. I said, Gwenith, I need your head in this box, babe.

Don't you have a kid already? It's fine. Your legacy sealed, baby. Fucking face that. Obviously not. That's, I'm telling, like, it would be such a thankless job and so tedious.

But like, if you paid someone, I don't know, $100,000 a year to just sit on IMDB and you had it like permanently like in edit mode and you can just go through these things and just go through movies and just be like, nope, that's not trivia. Nope, that's not trivia.

We need to go to Biden. We need to be like, listen. A, you need to take IMDB back. It's a public good. It's a public. Nationalize it. Nationalize the IMDB. And now you're, now you have all these government employees, nice checks, good benefits? Ah, God.

Ah, come on, man. I'm looking through this IMDB. You got all these knuckleheads on here talking about things. Do you guys even know what the word trivia means, man? This is America. We know about trivial shit. Come on. You know, we love motion pictures here in America.

We love them so much because it remind us of movies. Oh, yeah. I'm looking at the movie that I saw as a kid. that great train robbery saw that first weekend it came out all trivia's all balder day come on

got me a burlap sack of hard candies watch that great train robbery yeah yeah you know I'm a vegetable president you know part couch potato I love I love the movies by the way where's the ice cream I just I need it in my mouth right now I need to lick and eat ice cream

I mean I'm looking at the trivia for one of my favorite movies. The Mummy Returns, man. And I'm looking at that, like, of course those face tattoos are fake. Come on, knucklehead. You know, it's real, real hard to operate the TV. I got to get my wife, Dr. Jill,

to operate the TV. Got to put on the ice cream man. Man, I love Clint Howard. He's one of America's greatest thespians. I do have to, I got to congratulate Brendan Fraser and Rachel Voss. Beautiful Illyrian child, they must have fucked right after the fuck.

That beautiful boy. Look at the face on that kid. It looks exactly like ultimate sidekick Andy Richter, man. You gather my family around to watch the opening of Salt Hunt Precinct 13. See, look, that's what happens if you don't order an ice cream ride. That's good ice cream. It looks like good ice cream. Oh, man.

It's just, of course, the face tattoos are fake, Johnny. Come on, son. So they all lace each... By the way, John Hanna and the kid are like waiting out. outside and like you know they're having funny business and then I think something happens where the car breaks and they have to

get a double decker bus. This is insane so this is we've cut to we're at the British Museum right because the kid, Evie gets kidnapped from the house the kid is like oh I saw so and so it's the guy from the museum and they all fucking high tail it yeah so we get to the museum

like in the storage warehouse of this museum this big sacrifice is about to happen which is great I guess there's no fucking nighttime security at this museum. Whatever. Did you see anything funny happened here last night?

It smells like burning flesh, doesn't it? A little bit. It's like burning flesh and gunpowder. What happened? I heard like a lot of clanging. That's normal though, right? We always hear clanging. Museums. Clang? Crashes, glass breaking. That's normal.

Did you burn a woman in the gift shop? Oh, it's just an old burny, clangy house. but yeah so like this is all going down and like fraser and ardeh bay are like you know yeah they have the like eagle eye view of what's going on here and you're right steve out in the car it's it's gotta suck for john hannah because it's like all right dude like as an actor now you're just sidled with this little kid like you and the little kid are one in this movie totally like inseparable for most of this motion to see three pio in this movie like

full on big time yes big time The kid is kind of an art, too, right? Because he's just like saying shit you don't understand, just these high-pitched frequencies, and then knocking into shit. Also, I mean, I would see being paired as kid, that's, that is a bad omen for John Hannah. A, you're being in competition for which one of you is going to be in the third one. Yes. And also, having a kid now means that you can be killed off in an emotional moment. Totally.

I was shocked that didn't happen in this. Like, fucking trim this cast down a little bit. I actually had a false memory of Ardeth Bay eating shit at the end of this movie. Maybe that's the third one possibly. I've never seen it, could be. I do know that

in that third movie, they jump so far in the future, the kid is actually an adult. Really? And Rachel Weiss didn't want to do it. So they just recast Evie with Maria Bellow. Oh, they recast her, wow. Yes, which means there is

mummy tomb of the dragon emperor in where you, I guess can see Maria Bello attempt an English accent. That's not a good idea. Now, Maria Bello, that makes more sense for this kid's hair color. In general, this is more, makes more sense. Yes, it doesn't make sense for her supposedly playing half Egyptian, but whatever.

But she's like a dye job. Come on. Right? Bellow, yeah. I remember has mostly a blonde actress. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. But I know you mean. That's just the 2000s, right? It could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The thing with the van, Steve, is like they realize like something's amiss and like we got to get ready to get out of here they get spooked or something. I don't remember what it is. But John Hanna tries to turn over the car engine and breaks the fucking key off of the ignition. And the kids are just like,

you broke it, you moron. And you know, I mean, there is a lot happening in the movie and some of the action pacing is pretty good, I think, but it just starts to overload because it kind of just doesn't stop. Because that's the thing is, Once this scene is over and like, you know, they save Evie and they're in this big old double-decker fight for fucking 20 minutes of fighting these Skellington.

Shoot the mummies off the building like it's an arcade game. Dude, why are they able to run on walls like this, like fucking creatures of the night? Like, I don't understand that like I get that sequels have to be bigger in some respects, but like these things running on the wall like Spider-Man and I'mode. Teb's got fucking force powers. It's magic, right? Because it's like, I feel like that gives him so much leeway. It's just like, eh, it's supernatural. But there's magic in the first movie,

and they're not doing any of that. Well, they're doing the sandstorms in his face and shit. He does his face in this, too. Yes. He loves putting his face on stuff. He's a little signature of the mummy to see you know who's after you. Oh, is that Dracula? Oh, no, no, that's clearly the mummy's face.

The face in that tidal wave there, it's the mummy. Thank God he identified himself. I mean, the dumb shit never stops. The one thing that really hit me was when you see this vision, his little bracelet, they get this vision and there's like, and then at the end of it, there's a secret city of columns that you have to find to get there. You can get there by train. It turns out. The secret city that they're all trying to find, you could go literally seven feet from the train. But they don't know where it is.

And the whole thing is the wrist, the bracelet thing is only telling them, like, you know. to a point where to go until you get to the next checkpoint that it's going to let you know and I mean like that's the middle of this movie is them going to inconsequential places and the prince is in another castle Mario and it's all with like this dumb like leaving breadcrumbs thing where like the kid is making sand castles of where they're going next by like creating you know a sand replica of like a monument or a you know structure or whatever it is kind yeah Yeah, it's so boring. After this big bus chase, which I do agree.

I think the siege of the house is fun. The little whatever, the fight in the museum is fun. Skeleton chase is kind of fun. After that, once everyone's like on their like, you know, around the world at 80 days kick, it gets super fucking boring. Except when Marta from Arrested Development goes up to the kid, and she's like, you better behave or I'll put snakes in your bed. And this kid is paying for it for the rest of it.

that's how that works the wire just went the other way and that's the end of it Oh my God Now I need a snake in my bed Before I can shoot Oh could you say that again Slowly

The funniest thing About their horniness Like they should take this as a sign Like after the bus Fiasco Yes A lot on the line obviously We almost meet our maker

Right They calm down and like they are tongue kissing in this fucking bus exactly that's the audio right from the right from the fucking I love watching my parents

tongue each other because they're so concentrated on tongue in each other's mouths the kid gets kidnapped it's awesome it's two birds versus like two birds one stone yep

have a third base and I don't have a kid from then on they keep acting like all right we'll just get them back back. Well, first of all, he's going to be forever changed. You don't know what is happening to that kid. Absolutely. You might not want it back. You're going to find those remains in a refrigerator. How are you so sure? If you're lucky. Their whole thing, too, is Ardeth Bay is like, don't worry, my friends. They won't kill him because he's got that bracelet on. But they will thoroughly use him in every way. Yes, exactly. He's going to be a used Kleenex.

The timetable here is from the moment the kid put the bracelet on, They have seven days until the Scorpion King is resurrected. And their whole thing is the bad guys want to get the bracelet and give it to Imhotep because that Imhotep will be able to defeat the Scorpion King and take over the army that the Scorpion King command. The world, my friend. Of course. The very next step will be the world. Well, no, after he beats the army,

then he could purchase enough real estate to really tip the market that way. And then the value, inflation will go up and then something, something. Then you call Eric Prince and you get it all settled out. Oh, definitely. I want to go back to the you said Eric. Marta as a character as this like reincarnated whatever makes no sense. Like why would she a conscious human being be like what I would love is my consciousness to be replaced by someone 7,000 years old? See, and that's what's crazy too is like because part of that is a ref back to the.

those older Universal movies. Sure. That's in the first mummy movie, it's like, I don't remember the actress's name, but she is just the actress who played, you know, the mummy's lover,

you know, back in the day. And that's like, you know, the mummy's like, say, it is mummy lover. Dude,

it's like, say, look at that. Oh, you look like my old girlfriend. But you're right. In this movie, it's weird because like,

she's just a person who is, you know, is, I guess, told at some point that she's the reincarnation of this woman.

Why not just be like, I'm good enough, though, right, mums? Yeah, exactly. I'm hot. Yeah, let's just continue this. Do we really need that fuddy-dutty old soul? Because she's like, at one point going by one name, but then they just start calling her on Aksunamun again. And she's just like fine with it.

Or I want to see the scene of the first museum curator being not crooked and twist there. And I want a scene where like she's just a normal woman, but uh-oh, is possessed by the spirit of something. Or is it in a mummy trance of some kind I need something there Because it doesn't They should set it up in somewhere

Because she shows up And I have no idea who this woman is And I'm like what? And it takes me like 15 minutes At IMDB to remember who the hell she is It makes you feel like you missed A mummy movie in the middle Exactly

Mummy in the middle if you will You know Like there's just there's something not there Like it should be a thing where like She was just like a teacher Or like a nurse or something And then like the museum guy Kidnaps her

Yada The good thing about having a mummy in the middle is all that the wrapping, like that gauze, you know, that, you know, the mummification. Mummy material, yeah. Yeah, the wrappings. Yeah. Soaks up all the juices from the two other lovers, right? You get that mummy in the

middle. Yeah. You spray and your sprits in. You're having a great time. Your spits getting everywhere. And the mummy kind of just soaks it up. And then when you're done, you take that mummy cum rag and you fucking like drain it out in the, in the shower. Sure. You know, you ring it out with your

big strong hands, Chris. Sure. And you'd get all that juices out. All the juice, the cum juice you're talking about. And then you hang the mummy outside to drive. Okay. So, Steve, what are you doing after this? I'm thinking about just taking the train home. That's pretty cool.

But you're having monster sex. Well, I understand that. But what I'm asking is mummy in the middle. Does this include Frankie Munez? Is he hanging out in there, too? That's where I was going. You know, if there were pyramids in Arizona where he's trying to be a NASCAR driver or whatever he's up. too, then yes.

Mummy in the middle should have been Jane Kisemarik is a Dracula. Brian Cranston is a Frankenstein. And then Frankie Munis is a little mummy. And now it's like the monsters, but also. Dumber. But much, much dumber.

Yeah. You're not the boss of me now. You're not the most of me now. Man. Yeah. That was the theme song. It was a great theme song, I think. I never watched the show.

It was funny. It was, I watched it for a while. I liked it. I guarantee you it's exactly of its time. Yes. Yes. You know, one of those programs there. But whatever.

So like they're, they're just going fucking, fucking town to town. Meanwhile, Brandon Fraser's like, I've got an idea. Let's get another fucking character in this movie. Dude, this character, Izzy, which like, it's a thing. This dude is an old friend of Rick O'Connell's apparently. Remember the job in Merrick? Absolutely. That's what we're doing that one time in Nicaragua

or whatever the fuck. And he is a dude who is like a pilot and Brendan Fraser's like and we need you to get us to, I believe we're going to Karnak, funny enough. And the guy's like, cool, I got just the thing, this dirigible that again looks like

something right out of Donkey Kong country, this device. It's an airship, dude. We are in Final Fantasy 7, ladies and gentlemen. It is, it's it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, punk nonsense, for sure. It's truly unbelievable. And it's kind of funny because Rick O'Connell is sort of like speaking for

the audience is like, what do you mean, that piece of shit? Yes. We have to have the rest of the movie in this piece of shit now. And they just go and like he's funny I guess because he was shot in the bum. Oh, right? Yeah, butt shot. It was

Rick's fault for some reason. And then I met the president again. Oh man, Rick O'Connell shot you in the ass. That's a big fucking deal. That's shot and bit you right on your butt. I've had that happen to me too. Dr. Jill's always botting my butt, you know what I mean?

Lieutenant Day and ice cream. I was in Delaware. I was getting ice cream and then, oh, got shot right in the butt, felt like a butt. Spilled my soft serve right on the ground. But thankfully, he gave me another soft serve. That's why I love Delaware. That's what nice Americans do for each other. We look out when one American spills ice cream,

another American ice cream provider gives it to him. Sorry, I ruined your Black Panther Party by refunding the police. I'm sorry. Meanwhile, the baddies are all on the train. And this is where Arnold Voslu has not sucked enough souls yet. So he's got this Dr. Doom mask on. Yeah. Come on.

It is totally Dr. Doom. I wrote that down too. It's so ridiculous. But at the same time, Looks kind of cool. It's pretty sharp. It looks kind of better than the CGI Glipped. Absolutely.

Nonsense they give everyone. Keep that fucker's face messed up. I'm totally with you. This scene also contains the absolute most obnoxious line this kid has in this entire fucking movie. That's saying something. Oh, big time, buddy. But like, because Loch Naz fucking roughing him up right here and shit. And this is after Marta like fucking says that line about the snakes in your bed and whatever.

And they're like, all right, let's get the fuck. Get out of here. And he goes, hi. Watch the suit. Fuck you Follow the Dr. Doom thread I wish I saw this kid on fire

Dude Flame on Well he's like I'll go to the bathroom And he's like All right And he goes in there with him And it's like

I can't go with you Watch it He's like Well too fucking bad You've been kidnapped Yep totally And like I can't believe Lakna acquieses

Right He's like All right fine I'll close the door By the way Well I guess he was a little bit like you know what, now I'm in a bathroom with a kid. I know, I don't want anyone being like,

what did you, because no one will believe me. No one will believe me. It's 1933. He could marry that little kid if he wants. It's true. Everything was fine back. It was like, I think it was like what the consent stuff changed in like 1980 because there were too many weird songs that rock and rollers were putting out, right? Remember like rock and roll?

Remember America? Remember. Rock and roll music used to be about. about pedophiles. Chuck Barry's got that tune like Sweet 16 or something. There's so many songs like that. She was just every know.

And so on. I love that old Chuck Barry's song. I'm taking pictures of your pissing. It's a true American hero. It's a toilet cams. That's America's about toilet cams.

Let me ask you something. Could you play that toilet camera song for the inauguration? Oh, you've been dead for years. Do you have a son? Could he sing a family? Toilet cam. Yeah, so, speaking of toilet cams, though.

Got to say, well done on the production team here because I was throwing up at the sight of this bathroom. There are handprints of shit all over the walls. And if the trivia is to be believed, those shitty handprints, director Stephen Somers shitty fingerprints are all over this movie but yeah the kid realizes

he can fucking slink out the turlet there he flushes himself he watched trade spotting but it doesn't matter he does it and he's accidentally right where there's supposed to be anyway right there's a lot of convenient moments

Meanwhile, Scott Arkhamen meets his untimely demise. I just found it in my notes. Scott Arkhamen's character I know is named SpyVee. Because one of the most unintentionally hilarious moments of this movie is when the other roughneck guy, it kind of looks like Bob Hoskins. He does. Just in slow motion goes, Spivey! As this dude's getting his soul sucked. Okay, great.

It's fucking hilarious. And meanwhile, yeah, he's, Arnold DeVosso's doing a little. vertigo with her. It's like, no, no, you must look more like her. Cut your hair. Is this where he's like pumping her full of flashbacks? Yes. And like we for a

too long period of time are just seeing the opening of the first movie. Yes. Because it's all the shit about how Imhotep and Anakshun Amun were like secretly fucking and she was screwing around on the pharaoh and whatnot.

It's just, that's just the pro prologue of the first film. Cucking Pharaoh Huey Lewis, by the way. This dude looks exactly like Hughie. Dude, I was thinking he also kind of looks like Anthony Bourdain. A little bit. Like a meteor faced Bourdain, dude. Yeah, but I can also see Hughie Lewis.

And it's kind of great for the fucking the Rachel Weiss Yeah, yeah, the Anaksunamun Nefertiti catfight that happens here. They got the dude back for additional footage. Good for him. I mean, this scene takes forever. Yeah, yeah.

And it's, but it's interesting that we see like, oh, okay, this was happening in the flashbacks of the first movie a little bit. Wasn't there? Like, it matches up a little bit. Because when, yeah, because the way they sort of make it cross is Rachel Weiss watches on as Imhotep murders the Pharaoh.

It's like back to the future part too. Yes. Yeah, she's looking out Principal Strickland's office window. I think that guy stole the mummy's wallet. I was going to say Pharaoh's wallet. That would have made more sense. But then I said mummy and then I stopped.

I think he took his golden wallet. I mean, you could use the same Huey Lewis. Back in time. Totally. Egypt. Marty, we got to go back to ancient Egypt for some weird reason. It's hip to worship cats. Sports is just sports.

Oh no. Biff made a killing at the Colise. I'm betting on Warriors. Oh, he's got the sports Almanac for every warrior battle for the next 2,000 years. All right, kid.

50 bucks says the end of this match, those two tigers eat the shit out of that guy. What are you talking about, old man? They said the guy's got him cornered. Oh, yeah, well, I also bet they crucify this fella.

He turned. Turns up a radio that doesn't exist. Grandma, I'm going to the stoning. I'll be home when I get home. Are you taking your feet? Yeah, Grandma. Listen to me in Aksunamun. Someday you're going to be my wife.

It's just so stupid. It's a dumb one, dude. But yeah, so like, that seems. does nothing. And I guess at the end of this flashback, and I think also Rachel Weiss is seeing the flashback as well. Yes. Which I, this Pharaoh's like, you know what I would

love to see? My sexy daughter and my new wife go at it. That's a stepdaughter. Step fight. She's fighting her future stepmom, dude. Definitely. Yeah, I think back at the day they might have been into this. Yeah, this might have been

really in there. But yeah, but Rachel Weiss is seeing the same thing. At the end of this, Marcha from Arrested Development becomes Ixanamanoon or whatever the name is. Anaksunamun. Anaksunamun. There's also somewhere around here

is Oded Faire's character, Ardeath Bay, is like, as you'll recall from the first movie, ladies and gentlemen, obviously, he's part of the organization known as the Magi, descendants of the Pharaoh's bodyguards, yada, yada.

I love that he's like, oh, you know, hey, I guess on our last adventure, I didn't see that birthmark you have really prominently on your arm. arm. No, that means you're a magi right? Yep, that's, and that's the whole, like, they stamped me at the orphanage

thing. He's like, oh, by the way, like to fight the army of Anubis, which are these Scooby-Doo dog soldiers, we'll get to in a moment. He's like, we're going to need more help. I'm going to have to go contact the leaders of the 12 magi armies

for, like, backup. You said it, Chris. Yeah, exactly. It's a total throwaway thing that only matters at the very end of the movie when all of these dudes roll up to fight these dog soldiers for some reason. They're going to show up. You don't have to tell me that they called them. Jesus.

Christ, you idiots. Have Ardeth Bay like pull out a ruby and it's like it's glowing. It's like, I've signaled them with this. There you go. Stupid magic. You're like, got it. Exactly right. That does not matter. We, you know, we need to have that tension of will the bird make it? Will the bird

be shot out of the sky? Dude, that bird gets assassinated. It's pretty cool. Ladies and gentlemen. Horace has been shot. No! I remember where I was. Possession down the National Mall for Horace, the bird of some sort. We have some late-breaking videotape here.

Abraham Zapruder bird watcher. I was going to say the, I was trying to think of a word for a bird. You know, parakeet, that's what it was, you fucker. You guys kept talking and ruined me. The Zapparequite film came out. Ladies and gentlemen, pretend this didn't happen. Here we go. The Zeperichite film came out.

There we go. Yes, we are now watching the possession of Lee Harvey ostrich be taken from the county chill. Oh, Jack Crow just shot him. Oh, Jack Crow just shot. No, no, dude, damn it. No, it's Jack Boobie, of course. That's a bird. He's blue-footed, dude. Oh, man.

Lee Harvey Ostrich is adorable to think about that, all right? What's a Johnson bird? Oh. Because I have to think about him, that bird's being sworn in there. That's true. Yeah. I don't know. I don't. Yeah. Someone's screaming in their car. See, it's not, it's really hard.

and Zaparakeet was pretty good. Just letting people know. Remember Zaporacite? You liked Zaporakeet, right? Whatever. This is, I mean, again, like so much of the middle of this movie is them going to locations

and not finding him. But he leaves a clue every time. And wouldn't you know, at the last one, Lochnaw, finds out the clue, he smashes it. And he realizes that his parents are right on their hails

and this is when Arnold Vossel gets off his fat duff does some magic because I mean what the fuck am I doing here dude It's been an hour and 20 minutes fucking make your face in something They are parked on the bank of a river here And that's where this kid's trying to make the little sandcastle Where I get snuffed out And Arnold Vosslu like to make it so that This is where he causes the big like tidal wave out of the river right

And so to start this off when you see like how this river is supposedly full it's CGI water really badly so that you're supposed to believe he pushed all of this water out of the river and then when the tidal wave goes away and they cut back to Arnold Voslou

it's not an effect shot and he's standing in a much much much, much shallower piece of water and you're just like fuck that was the worst CGI I've ever seen in my life. Absolutely top to bottom terrible. A misst stupid fucking blimp is trying to out fly

and this guy flying this thing, this Izzy dude, he's dumb to retortoing because he's got fucking rocket canisters on this thing. Yeah, there's Nas, dude. Dumb as donkey dick, this whole thing. And they wind up crashing in the secret oasis they were trying to get to anyway, guys.

Right, right, right. The next movement is the Pygmy monsters because I guess possibly in between this movie and the last one, Stephen Summer. watched Trilogy of Terror.

And it was like, maybe. Let me just do that a hundred times. That's kind of fun. Can you get Karen Black then? Yeah, totally. She was still around, dude.

Why not? That was Trilogy of Terror with that little thing in it, right? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. One interesting thing about this oasis that they find is like,

oh my God, all the legions throughout time have tried to come here on Concord. Look, those were Romans and Churians. Oh, those are Napoleon's men. And wait, what is it, 1933? Okay, Hitler's guy should be here any minute.

Yeah, you're goddamn right, dude. Oh, this is about black magic. Oh, yeah, they'll be here. Maybe now. They might actually be here already. We've got some scientists coming down here to take some notes. No, that's, this is, that's George is watching. One fucking Nazi shows up in this movie, Stephen. Ceasing to assist.

Lucasfilm LTD actually owns the swastika now. Thank you. They asked for, it was a press. I'll tell you what, they actually wanted quite a lot, but we got it. Oh, yeah, I'll lease you the swastika, all right. You're going to pay out the nose. I made so much off of Holocaust dramas. It's crazy. I mean, I guess I can give it for a cheap, Mel Gibson, but I...

I know, only need it for an afternoon. Okay, then. I want to show somebody something. Oh, yeah, definitely afternoon only, man. I'm not doing like in perpetuity or nothing. This is also, that's why Schindler's list opens with Lucasfilm LTD and it has the THX cell. Oh, man. Yeah, this whole sequence, they're getting chased by these little guys. Yeah, the little guys is better.

I don't know if I'm allowed to say Pigmy anymore. They see it in the movie a lot. They say it in the movie and quite a bit. I don't think it's right. I think this is really weird. It's a weird villain in general to have. Like, they're just like, they're little cartoon monsters that they make up. It's not, you know what?

What was wrong with scarabs? Yeah, I like the scarabs. I will watch people try to outrun a wave of bugs left and right. You know what? Scorpions, baby. You're talking about this. The king's lair. It's the king's house.

You know what? You don't even have to go that far. Give me some quicksand. Couple of people get swallowed up by quicksand. I'm just happy as hell. I got to tell you. And I don't know, maybe I just had too light of a dinner last night. I was hungry watching this movie or what

there's a scene where a couple of these motherfuckers fall in some quicksand and I was like that looks like delicious chili I was getting hungry it's amazing I mean it's just so it takes so long for them to like it's because this is the big effect shot one of the big effects shots you're supposed to be like wow that sequence in the mummy returns

holy shit well I might have I might have in the theater because I did see this in theaters I might have done that I might have seen them like oh my God Except for my dad, after he saw the face wave, yanked me out of the theater. Like, I've never seen my dad do this ever, but he was like, he like came, like, literally the easy character starts doing the banking off of the different sides. And he goes, he's like, we're going to leave. Can I just point out, you were a senior in high school.

Yeah, well, I, it's still my dad. I'm still like, I go to movies with my dad. I just love the notion of, like, you're 18 years old and your father pulled you out of a movie. I think that's very funny. You should have done. You should have, you should have socked him under the gut. Oh, yeah. Stood up to your father.

Over the movie returns. Definitely the place to take my stand. This piece of shit movie, I hate it anyway. So he just pulled you out, huh? No, he's just like, I'm, do you want to stay here? And I was like, no. And he's like, okay, let's go. Did you go see something else or just go straight home?

Was this the same, was this around the same time Mulan Rouge came out? Because I think we might have jumped. into that. This movie came out April of 2001, so that's entirely possible. You want to pull up the Moulon Rouge release date? Because I remember we did try something else

but it might have just been something just as bad and I forgot it too. It was 2001. Let me see if... Give me a release date here. Yeah, I know. It's just IMDB fucking sucks shit. This was definitely... June 1st, 2001. Oh, okay.

Unless I saw it late now. It would have been that late. Do you... No. No, I was just saying no. Do you think that those little monster characters, I'll call them a little monster characters, those were on like some Burger King Cups? It's a great question because the movie clearly has no problem with what it's doing and it's like

it is problematic. So like, I don't know just how far they were willing to go with this, whether or not they were on Collector's Cups. Just because it feels like they're like they're the new villain thing. It's like they're really pushing. You know what a movie's like really pushing something? on you? By the way, the mummy returns was May 4th

2001. Okay. So June 1st, 2001. It could have happened. That's possible. That might have done. Yeah. I mean, this is a big summer movie. I feel like movies hung out in the theater's longer back then. Yeah, that's true. And I was definitely not in a rush. I didn't like the first mummy. I wasn't like, I was just like, let's go. Got it. Got it. Yeah, I mean, you also expected to be a thing, right, where like, one of those little guys, like,

stows away in a suitcase and he's like back at their house at the end of the movie. Yeah. Yeah. And now he's just kind of living with them for some reason. Kind of like when Ducktails took that caveman. Yeah. That stupid caveman. Cave duck. That forehead. That forehead is really a good. That sucks shit. But yeah, like the funny thing is these things are oddly violent. Somebody gets

like decapitated, right? We're maybe like an implied decapitation. They are murdering the fuck out of the the villain army. Stabbing all these bad guys. Yeah, like these dudes are getting fucking ganged by these guys. It's a lost world. Like, they're getting like pulled under kind of.

Yes, it's very lost world. It is, it's even the, oh man, I had that note, Chris. The high grass from Lost World, where the raptors are going after them. That's what happens here is we're just walking through the jungle. Yeah. So wait, are the pygmy super strong? Or is this like an arm's worth of

the little zombies pulling them under. A little bit of both man. I don't get it. Are they like, yeah, are they using like collective strength like ants? Or are they Superman? Are they a bunch of tiny supermen? Oh, that's way more terrifying at least. I don't know. And

whatever, they're all running around. This is when Lochnaw meets, he's like, he's been begging Odin Fair to kill this kid and he's like, now you may kill the kid. Oh, yeah. Imhotep. Emotap, yes. Yeah, yeah. You could, yeah, you may proceed with the

executing his child. And then Odin Farr fights him to the death. Could you all look away? This is a really special moment for me. I get the fucking skinned this get alive. I'm going to get really fucking weird with it, dude. I'm going to kill this kid.

He's been condescending to me for three days. How long do we have to do? Just give me one hour. A full 60 minute murder on this little kid. Coming up next on the 60 minute murder. But this is also around, this is the chilly quicksand because like they're running away from these

guys and then like a bunch of them fall into this quicksand which is just fucking ridiculous. There is a funny thing where the leader of these guys, the crooked museum dude is running and he tells these two guys that are with him. He's like yeah you got to you got to stop and defend me and give me

some time for me to get escape. Don't worry you'll be rewarded in heaven for it. Thank you. Kind of awesome. And like yeah this is the part of the movie where you're like, I've lost who's supposed to do what. It's like, so he's going to do battle

with the Scorpion King with the aid of the lizard people. The reverse vampire. There is something about because it's the seventh day. If the kid doesn't get to the temple on the seventh day

by the time the sun touches him, he's going to disintegrate or something. The bracelet will like drain his life. Yes, that's what it is. And so Brendan Fraser, like literally outruns the rising sun to like it's like an episode of angel like jumping into the shadows it's like Homer Simpson getting his tax returns in on time yeah I imagine Rick O'Connell with his son they're like running to get past the fucking gate in time

and Rachel White's this in the back like don't wear yourself out it's okay take your time there's plenty of time oh no he's dead I guess we can have sex whatever we want now we can make a new one this is where Anaksuna Moon is Off the top rope I didn't even know where this woman was in the scene Just comes out and does this

And just fucking murders Rachel Weiss Like out of nowhere It just stabs her in the gut I forgot I mean I never saw this movie But I knew that at least Maria Bella That Rachel Weiss is not in the next one And Maria Bella was

I was like oh do they just kill her That's kind of cool It would have been something But like in the movie like I remember very like when I actually watched it all the way through on home video like I was like of course she's not dead

I'm like you're spending 20 minutes on this and of course she's not dead it turns into babble for a little while yeah what the fuck just like everyone's saying goodbye to her but like at the same time the leader of these dudes Mr. Museum guy there

sticks his arm in the Scorpion King statue and for whatever reason And that, like, ignites the resurrection of the Scorpion King who starts coming through here. Turns his hand to a skeleton, though. That's kind of fun. That has. That's pretty badass, I'm saying. The little hand with, like, the little goop on it.

It was so funny. And it's definitely, like, still moving a little bit. It's definitely a tales from the crypt joke. And I was all the way here for it. I'd have, like, more of that, honestly. Yeah, totally. Humor is what this needs. Totally.

And then, so she's dead. And then, um, Hotep gets stripped of. of his powers. Again, by the way, that's what happens to him at the end of the first movie. He becomes mortal is the thing and he eats shit. So it's like, oh, stripped of his powers again, A, which those powers include, like I mentioned before, definite force throwing ability. He's tossing dudes all over this movie. I remember the fucking in the trailer, the kid floating up where he's got the black suit on, like the Darth Vader's suit and he just lifts him up like that. He brings the kid up and, like, drags him closer.

Like, definite force shit happening in this. That isn't it. Excuse me. You know, I licensed the swastika for you. I got to say, that's fucking force abilities, man. That's outright lifting. Now, Mell, you can have the swastika on Sunday. That's fine.

But John Voight has it on Saturday. You and him, you deal with the handoff. It's a lot of visitation rights I'm juggling right now. David Duke, you guys? I mean, it's a lot. David Duke. I mean, he's unofficial. That son of a bitch is going to go to court

with me. I mean, I don't think he really respects it like you guys do, to be honest. He's just throwing it on everything. But I mean, whatever. This is like the big massive, like 30 minute end fight scene here. Imhotep's got a bet. He's battling with Rick O'Connell. Out comes

fucking crab claws scorpion king, the rock cartoon. Why? How about just the rock? Give him fucking giant golden arms. or something, let's do it. Because that's the whole point. It's a fight, right? Don't you want the rock to fight somebody? You cast a wrestler.

Yeah, you're a man who's a professional fighter. Have him wrestle. It's insane. And, you know, and also, like, even, or even find a way, like, to do where the rock is the head, like, actually the head. And then maybe, like, if you have to. But, I mean, like, look, dress him up like Vincent Dinoffria with the cell. Great.

Make it gold. And he's just. fucking fist fighting people let him get a rock bottom in don't make him wait till Fast 7 for that shit. Although I think there's a rock bottom in the Sean William Scott. The rundown there definitely is. Yeah.

Stay tuned by the way. Because that fucking sucks. No fucking Scorpion King's elbow. No Scorpion King's rock bottom. Come on. Where's the sting? Yes. Come on, baby. I need a finishing move here. And this, it just and he's not talking, he's going

like the face is barely moving except to do a couple of people's eyebrows he's definitely doing that dude it sucks man this whole sequence sucks I'm not even sure if they paid the money get Dwayne Johnson to do the you could have gotten an angry pig

to do it. It's sub-welker dude it's sub-welker and then meanwhile in total wrestling fashion like it's like oh are Rick and Immotap gonna team up to get the Scorpion kid Oh, no, my God. Emotep is turning on Rick O'Connell.

Rick O'Connell's, oh, my God. They were a tag team, but now the Scorpion King and Emu Kep are together. There's a new Scorpion King order happening now. Call the Mommy's Mommy because he ain't coming home tonight. Oh, excellent. My God, the mummy is dead. No, literally, he's walking around as a dead guy.

He's been dead for hundreds of thousands of years. Why is no one else totally mystified by this? My God, it's a mummy walking around. My God, he's dead, and now he's trying to kill somebody else. Jesus Christ. My God, I am totally lost and who I should be rooting for in this moment. Oh, the movie doesn't even make any damn sense. All my kids are going to be crying tonight.

Chris Cabin has left the theater, folks. Chris Cabin has left the theater. My God, I still haven't gotten over that bird's assassination. But yeah, it's just a very muddled fight. Meanwhile, they're mourning the dead Rachel Weiss. And this is what do we go dead alive? I'm going to bring my mom back from the dead. Absolutely.

There should have been a soup scene after this. If it ends that, like that movie did, I'm all about it. Someone should get stuck in a fucking lawnmower. Isn't that that movie? The fucking temple opens up in my mom. Monster Rachel Weiss, eating blood and whatever the fuck else. Definitely. Would be very hot.

Bring somebody back with the book of the dead. What came back? Came back wrong. Obviously. Sure. And like that's, she's like not even surprised to be alive again. You know,

like she makes some ref at the end of all this where she's like, oh hey, Brendan Fraser, you want to know what heaven looks like? And he's like, later when I'm fucking you. It's, no, yeah.

the mysteries of the universe. I don't need anything about that. I just need to get a crack at that. It's like these characters are so dumb. Not necessarily the actors, but like they're so dumb. Like she's too dumb to know what mortality even is. No, yeah. She's just like, oh wow, I'm alive. Oh, cool. Oh, now let me get into a cool

sexy fight with this other lady. Sexy. Sexy. Seifight this time. We're fucking ninja turtling all over the place now. Sure. Or Melinaing for a little bit of a little bit of a action. Raphael versus Malina. There it is.

Side fight. Boy, I'd watch that. There is, if it, oh man, I almost said it was a cool thing. It's not cool. It would be cool if this didn't look like dog shit. There is a moment in this movie where the Scorpion King

gets a hold of Mr. Hafez there and fucking totally makes that dude explode. Yeah. But it is. First of all, it's way far away. Yeah. Because the farther away, the more you can quote unquote, like cover it up, right?

This thing just like explodes into a bunch of polygons. There's also like a couple lines while this is happening where the where the guys like Emotap, help me. And then they like cut to Arnold Voslou five months later in a different location going, but why?

Totally. Yeah. It just sucks shit, man. And like Rick O'Connell, there's a super special spear that he has to use. Yeah. I love that he takes a bullet for Emotep basically here, right? Yeah. because it's like Imhotep.

Oh, for the Scorpion King. He takes a bullet for the Scorpion King. Yes. He hits the spear away from the Scorpion King, because Imotep had tossed it, which if he impales the Scorpion King, he would gain the powers of the army of the whatever. Oh, yeah.

We should be saying the, and you've been saying Scooby-Doo, which is fine, but it's more like scrappy-doo at the end of that movie. Oh, big time. Those little monsters are fighting Odette Farron folks. Yes. And like they beat the first round, And they're like, yay.

And then like, oh, no. Now there's way too many of them. And like, you know what? I don't give his shit. I really don't. Where are the credits? We didn't really mention it. But when Brendan Fraser is fleeing from those little monsters,

he throws a stick of dynamite onto a log. And we see them fall. And it's just like the word, it's terrible CTI as well. Yes. What I'm getting at. Yeah. And they're all just like riding in the log down to hell.

And it's like, I don't know. All right. we shouldn't exist but yeah so then Rick finally kills the Scorpion King which gives him control over the army of the dead I'd take him for a spin a little bit

to see what's going on there if I had that power the world would look quite different I'll tell you that much quite a threat I think I think I would kill everyone on the planet I was figuring that was the end of the other I'm gonna bring blockbuster back and all these like army of the undeader stocking it

I would kill almost everyone, except for people who love video stories and then the meek shall inherit the Earth. I like this. Come on, dog soldier. Those new releases are totally not alphabetized. Come, my acne scarred brothers. It is our time. Oh, man. Yeah, so he does slay the Scorpion King, right?

As he's about to, like, fall off a cliff. He just kind of jabs him, you know. He's like this falling into this pit thing and there's like people on the. per three because it's the underworld I guess that you would fall into because anubis is running the show. The hell and spawn looked better. It really does. It's very similar. Like

the souls are like writhing or whatever. They look like jelly. They look like a bunch of red vines or twizzlers or something. The best thing is so like you send the scorpion king down into hell. But then Arnold Voslu has to like sacrifice himself to the realm at the very end

because I think a March dies. No, no, no, no. It's fucking hysterical, dude. He's left for dead. Rick O'Connell and Imhotep are both hanging off the side of it. This is after Brennan Fraser goes, go to hell and take your friends with you. Didn't need that line. No. But they're both hanging there. And, like, of course, once again, the fucking cave is collapsing. And there's a bunch of shit falling from the ceiling. And Evie goes to run to save him. And he's like, no, like, let me die. She makes the sacrifice, runs up, grabs Brendan Fraser. They get out of there and then Imhotep's holding on to the cliff and he's like anaksuna moon uh an

unaksunamun and she looks like nah and she runs out hey babe babe you're gonna save me though right might be falling into hell here and this is after the soul has been replaced right so this is his actual love yeah his actual love her she's still like no fuck that dude the best thing is so he like sacrifices himself to he's like well it doesn't matter anymore and you would think these demon things on the side are ripping him apart. They're like passing him like you just see

Arnold Vossel in the thing go like yeah he's like it's definitely like crowd surfing yeah all the world is a stage am I too heavy demon am I too heavy everybody got my butt I'm gonna support our mummies in the pit

dude support them pick them up if they fall man you see your brother go down in the hell pit you got to pick them back up, man. That's the way it worked. Yeah, especially when you got Ted Nugent playing. Go with it, Ted. And then meanwhile, Marta from her arrest development dies from scorpions. She trips and falls

into a pit of the Beatles. Scarras. Yeah, then she just gets eaten up. Which is like, I don't know. Fine. You know, it was fine. I think she should have gotten away, you know. Cut to her, putting a hat on somewhere, have an old friend for dinner.

Absolutely. Absolutely. She's having fucking Haiti or wherever. You open up like there's another ancient evil out there and maybe it's a lady this time, God forbid. Maybe. Maybe. I mean, she should be the villain. She should. Wouldn't that be something? I don't, I feel like bringing back the mummy again is kind of boring. It would be rad if she was the main villain and like the mummy was under her control or whatever. Yeah. She's, she has very good screen presence. Yes. And if she was just this like pseudo silent villain in the movie, like it would be something. well also apparently

I believe this if you will it's an Mdb trivia Joe Biden hasn't got involved yet but the the Scorpion King effect why it looked so bad it was finished like eight days before the release of the film

but isn't that the first effect because that's your whole movie essentially like yeah he's the main villain on that first exactly like and if it's not going to look good you have to figure out a different way to film it what tests look like

also he can just be called the Scorpion King You doesn't have to be a literal scorpion. Yeah, he could have a tattoo of a scorpion, you fucking moron. Yeah, exactly. Hey, Dwayne, you know what? The animated thing, it was a really shitty idea. Can you come back? We'll pull you off your fucking traveling circus show that you're on still.

Like, come film some fight scenes. Powerbob somebody will be done. Exactly, dude. Maybe a pile driver here and there. I mean, a bald stuntman for, like, this is easy, peasy. Come on. And it's more engaging than watching a cartoon do nothing. Absolutely.

But the oasis now, like, because this whole thing has happened and the Scorpion King's been murdered, the oasis starts like sucking itself into this temple or whatever. Yeah. It's like me putting on a pair of jeans. One size fits all my aunt Fannie. All the vegetation dies. Yeah, very simple.

But they're running to the top of this. pyramid because everything's getting sucked into the bottom. And thankfully, the airship's here suddenly. DeSex blimp guy, dude, whatever. And it's your classic, like, are you guys coming or what? They're like, shut up. Yeah, I've been monitoring the house

situation up here. I thought they were just running from all these trees flying at them, but no. Also, the pyramid's going to kind of explode at the end of this and then be covered in sand. A big diamond is on top of it. John Hanna has got to be Aboo the monkey yet again. Absolutely, dude.

And I mean, this is a great way to end this movie. He's like, no, I won't this so bad. And he dies. And it's like, oh, wow, something's happened in this movie. Maybe your life shouldn't be about plundering other civilizations and other countries' national property and treasure. Oh, but it's so cute and funny and adorable, Eric, don't you think? Just to watch them? Because then John Hanna and this dude playing Izzy get to kvetch at the end of this movie about, like,

whether or not is he as the wheelman for that theft will get 50% of the fucking profits or whatever I bet also he gets nothing I think they fought over the spear at some point too so there's that

they fly away you know they're flying away from the desert or whatever and like for as much as he's been in the movie and he totally survives the final fight no goodbye with Odette Fair no his character is just sitting

on a fucking horse looking up like well they were in that blimp or something and we'll buy everybody. I was my ride back to fucking Jesus. No, he just does his little magical kiss the knuckle and put it to the sky thing. I just feel like,

but it fair is like saying goodbye. Yes, my friends were coming in the airship and well, I'll be, I'll be seeing you all in England because I'm going back that way. And that's with my friends. They're leaving. Oh, well, actually, never mind. There's a train right here.

No, what's going to happen? He's going to have to ride his horse for like, you know, 100 days. then it's going to die, and by then he's out of water, so he cuts it up and pours the blood into his canteens, and then he eats the horse as much as he, and he carries some of the flesh with him, obviously. Of course. And then just drinks that blood to, and walking through the desert to eventually find civilization.

Man, you really had this all planned out. I think about it a lot. Hey, Ardith Bay, did you say you're leaving an airship? Well, yes. I think that's it. Hey, dude, your rides leaving. Oh, bother. Did they even do the customary double hunk?

I only had one hunk, to be fair. Yeah, it's just, it's kind of dumb. And they sort of looked down. And Brendan Fraser again, like Rick O'Connell's like, yeah, that's right, scumbag. I saw you eyeing my wife. First of all, everyone's eyeing your wife. It's Rachel Weiss in 2001.

Second of all, like, yeah, so is he a magi or not? And does that even matter at all? There's a whole thing, I mean, Chris, you're right, no. But there's a whole thing that we didn't even get into where they're talking about how there is, I mean, it's so loose. It's the hero of the world. There's a prophecy thing that Ardeth Bay is talking about

and he's like, this is what the prophecy said. There was going to be Nefertiti and then a fucking Magi warrior and then their offspring and they're going to bring about saving the world and that's your family clear as day and Brendan Fraser's like, that is a big bunch of bullshit, Ardeth Bay.

Great. And it comes to absolutely nothing. Brendan Fraser, the closest it comes is he sees three drawings on a wall that shows him like how to kill the scorpion king. And the dude has the fucking tattoo in the picture. And that's it. And he's like, huh, guess it wasn't a bunch of bullshit. Great.

That's it. I'm glad all these descendants of the ancient Egyptian people are white as snow. White as snow. But that's it. This movie ends. with a very new metal live song which I could not believe I found at the end of this

Oh yeah They were that soundtrack dude They were itching that way Towards the end with live Once they entered the aughts Everybody was trying for new middle a little bit It is a stunningly terrible song I mean live was never good

No that's true Well they had that one big song right What was it like lightning crashes Lightning crashes Her mother day age That's right That's very good me from in burning back again like a rolling sound of dentin the wind

yeah the mommy opens her eyes I think I have a lighter here I could strike pale Egyptian eyes Yeah Oh now the microphone pop cover is going to catch on fire That's okay dude it's a fucking raucous pod This is what you guys subscribe for it's kind of punk Rock. That's right. And that is

the end of the Mommy Returns. Wouldn't anybody recommend this movie? Never. Never again. One and done with this guy, folks. Never saw it. Never will ever again. It's two hours and ten minutes. And like I said, I'm not even the world's biggest fan

in the first one. I probably didn't even recommend it. But at least it's fun and you know, like slapsticky and pays homage to old Hollywood stuff. Almost all of that is gone in this one. Like anything that was like fun unique about the first one is just sequelized and commodified in

this and just super boring. Chris Cabin. Oh yeah. I mean, I'll make it short. Absolutely fucking not. It's, it just, nothing works. I kind of like felt it go on and nothing happened. Like I just kind of didn't catch anything.

I was just like, this is happening. This movie is definitely happening and I don't fucking care about any of it. Totally. Eric? I feel like I was a little on board until like after the double-decker bus thing and then because that action you know the movie kind of kicks off it starts going pretty quick yeah it moves at a okay pace for obviously it's bloated runtime but then it just falls apart after like 30 40 minutes and i i couldn't recommend it i really didn't like it sorry

yeah i will say i don't remember what i said on uh last summer's episode of the mummy but i did rewatch that before watching this i had a lot of fun with it i would recommend that one now i would not recommend this one. It just like, it is something where I could forgive so much of the silliness if we went way more practical and dumped this CG, but like, it's

just too much really bad. Apparently rushed incomplete CGI in some cases maybe, like, I'll never understand releasing movies this way. Like, what the fuck were you doing? And yeah, I'm sorry, have Dwayne Johnson just fucking fight someone with

gold chain mail on, please. like have that in your bat that's your plan B and be like all right the special effects will definitely be good oh those didn't work out okay cool

we've got plan B awesome yep gold paint gold paint and Dwayne that's that's all you would have needed man but that

is the mummy returns directed by Sir Stephen Summers bringing an end to the 2021 summer blockbuster extravaganza if you want more

we hate movies of course check out WHM's Patreon that's patreon that's patreon dot com

slash WHM podcast I got a lot of stuff on there This month we got The Mummy Cartoon That's right on animation damnation I gotta say possibly better than this movie Yeah actually

We love movies on Iron Man That's a fun episode A lot of Jeff Bridges impressions on that one If you like that sort of thing We're obviously we're continuing our nexus We're talking about an episode of TOS An episode of TNG just to let you Folks know there's so much

much on there. And if you subscribe, you get literally everything we've ever done. Hundreds of hours. It's not just what the month's offerings are. So if you ever heard us plug something in the past, you can get it now as well. But like we said, that is the end of the summer blockbuster extravaganza. But as always here on We Hate Movies, man. We are a fucking year-round show. Steve, what is going on on the main feed next week? We are about to go back into Shrekville with Puss and Boots. You never saw this one so I can't tease

anything. Yeah, I don't know. Kevin, you're the only one that saw it. You love this movie, right? Yeah, oh yeah, I love it so much. I have a tattoo that I haven't debuted yet. It's on my right shoulder blade. It's of the egg that says it got raped. Wait, what? What? There is an egg in this that it kind of suggests

that prison rape is a real thing in the Shrek world. Yikes. Hey. Hey, let me ask you this. appearance by Shrek in this movie? I don't think so actually. Speaking of Dwayne the Rock Johnson

at the beginning of the little rundown he's like, hey, hey a pussy and boots, have fun. Oh, that'd be nice. Also, Puss and Boots has to fight Christopher Walken at the end of that movie, I think is the idea. So until next week,

when we're going back to Toon Town, I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Sadek. Eric, Cisker. Chris Gavin. Take it easy. That was a hit gum That was a hit gum podcast.