We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 561 - Puss in Boots (with Ben Worcester)

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

On the season eleven finale, the guys welcome Ben Worcester (back from Honduras) into the studio to discuss the totally horrendous spin-off/prequel, Puss in Boots! Is it only these two cats that can talk? Why did the filmmakers sacrifice comedy for extensive, boring action scenes? And has there been a more disgusting cartoon visage than that forsaken egg? PLUS: A lengthy jag on the quality and value of a hearty bean dinner. Puss in Boots features the voice talents of Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Zach Galifianakis, Billy Bob Thornton, and Amy Sedaris; directed by Chris Miller. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on We Hate Movies, boy, you never thought you'd be missing Shrek. It's Pussing Boots. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siskin. Chris Cabin. Ben Worcester. And we hate movies. Hello, everyone. Welcome to We Hate Movies. Thank you for tuning in. As always, that's right. He's here. He's back. Our good friend, you know him.

From Hooked on T.J. Hooker, Mr. Ben Worcester. How are you, sir? Gentlemen, a pleasure. Pleasure to be back. It's summertime. time, you know? So that means it's time to slide old Ben on in here. Yeah, Ben is back. We've got Julia Roberts trying to keep you off drugs. Oh, my God. Oh, that's what that movie was. I forgot. Yeah, nobody knows the movie you're talking about. Yes. Lucas Hedges. Yes, I believe so.

Oh, of course. So Lucas Hedges being sad about something. Absolutely. That's a Lucas Hedges movie. No, that's exactly right. It's what he specializes in. Yeah, no, this is really cool. We're having you back. And yes, slide right into four sweaty dudes in a room. Oh, yeah. Now make it five. This is really nice, right? I mean, given the title of this movie, I feel like.

Pussy boots. Oh, yeah. There's going to be a lot of slipping and sliding going on during this recording here. I do think that was what DreamWorks was calling it in-house. Pussy boots. Yeah, pussy boots. Yeah, because you've heard of fisting. We'll get a load of this.

We put a whole boot up there. Do you have Antonio Banderas to voice Pussy Boots? I think that's what the Toby Keith song was about. I'll put a boot in your ass. He wasn't singing to the terrorists. He was singing to somebody. He was going to foot fist. And then a baby fell out.

Look out for my pussy boots. That's an instant hit. Pussy boots were made for walking. There it is. Everywhere I walk is a pussy. I don't even know what that one means. These episodes on, now, if you're not experienced the previous Shrek episodes, they are nightmare fodder.

This is just one for us, the boys here. We're just going nuts. Absolutely. You're going to have to just deal with that. Now, if you're having trouble sliding into your pussy boots, you just get a little Vaseline in there. Slide it right on it. It's going to squish between your toes.

Yeah, that Vaseline won't make your pussy boots be dirty or not. You'll get used to it. These hair boots, they need a little foreplay before you put them on is the thing. Now you just, you know, just blow on them a little bit, tickle them a little bit, then they'll be ready to put on. I got to find the clitoris of his boot. You're still having some problems. You can use a shoe horn, I guess. Figure that out.

Oh, yeah. Shoehorn would be the dildo because now is the boot is becoming the vagina. Yeah. That's how that happened. Logically. that makes sense. That does make sense. I guess that makes a little more sense than Toby Keith putting on a boot and stepping in one.

Yeah, I guess that's true. By the way, at some point we'll be talking about the motion picture Puss in Boots from 2011 directed by Chris Miller. You may know him as the author behind Shrek the 3rd. Previous episode. Right? Yep. Yeah, no, we did do that last year. The one we haven't done is forever after.

That's right. That's true. And that's the one with Puss in Boots is introduced, if I'm not mistaken. No, no, no. Is that the second one? He's in two. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess in the end, they're doing the living love you to look. That's right. Yeah, these are all previous episodes, the other Shrek movies,

except for ever after. And we also did Puss in Boots on Animation Damnation on our Patreon. It is episode. Let me get out my computer here. Okay. Okay, boop, boop, boop. That's you computing. It is. 62. There it is.

So close. you wanted him this once you're in six you're like oh is you going to do it oh come on okay 69 is teenage meet ninja turtles and ducktails live from the housing works book store a lot of stuff on there i'm not um ben have you seen the puss and boots movie before this you were the one who wanted to do this you were you were screaming no you're the mommy no no pus and or in it's in it's in it's inside I got to tell you, though, for like my entire life, I've been saying

Puss and Boots. Yeah. Well, because even back in, or what are you about to say? The fairy tale is Puss-N boots with the apostrophe. Oh, oh. This is an actual fairy tale. No. Yeah, it is. No. Or a folklore thing. Something, something. Enough that they adapted.

I don't believe it goes as far back as A-Sop or itself. But there was a, does anybody remember the Nintendo game of Puss and Boots? No. You're lying. It was an N-E-S. It was an N-S. NES based on I guess the story that you're also referencing Steve but yeah no

Puss in boots for like NES I don't know if it's on the switch legacy thing yet probably not but because the story has nothing to do with what you see in this movie it's about shocking news it's like he's like kind of a weird con man like this guy this like poor dude inherits a cat is like

fuck I got a cat and then like the cat is like dude first of all I'm going to wear boots because I'm really like fancy and if we can con people, if you wear nice enough clothes, people will think you're sort of royalty, and then he winds up doing that. Got it.

And I just looked it up. You're right. I cannot believe there was a pussy boot video game. You know, there's another cat video game. You might remember. Sox, the cat, the video game, the Clinton's cat had its own video. What? Baby, we're getting adapted

into the S&ES. Is that true? I'm not kidding. Hold on I'm pulling it up. Sox the cat probably like one of the most talked about presidential pets as far as like late night was concerned. I remember back in the day like

Dave going nuts about So wait, so wait, is Epstein a playable character in this? Can you select him? That man knows he's the last bastard, his last boss of the game. If we both select Epstein, what happens? What has a headband on? What's blue?

What's green? Sucks the cat rocks the hill. and the image is it's Bill Clinton playing the saxophone and a mischievous socks comes out and he's also wearing he's not wearing sunglasses but he's holding sunglasses

he's on the saxophone the music is what stimulates the pussy out this is the cover of a hot sauce you buy it CPAC this is not good not good no sir gets this away from me 100% right oh my God

Wait, this was any ask you? A Super Nintendo game, apparently. So we went all into Super Nintendo. That's wild. 16 bits of my cat, baby. Chelsea, no way you're going to beat my high score. What was the, does it say what the, the gameplay was? Oh man, 16 bit.

You got anything in eight, Jeff? I need my bits a little smaller than that. If you know what I mean. 24, that won't do. that just won't do, Jeff. 64, get out of here. I don't need no granny shagger. Oh, man.

I just have one screenshot of him, I guess, fighting Richard Nixon. Oh, nice. What the fuck? Wow. Yeah. Okay, I know we got a lot of listeners out there who are like rabid gamers and like, know a lot about like gaming history. Did anyone play this game?

I got to know what's going on. Also, do you have an emulator that you can share in my DM? Absolutely. I've never heard of this. It might be a good mailbag topic right into the mailbag. We all hate movies at gmail.com. Now, did Clinton provide the score to the video game as well? Did he do a saxophone score?

I'm going to do a mini score on a saxophone, baby. Yeah, it's the, my favorite game is chrono trigger or socks the cat, both of which take place in my presidency. Not really. Oh, man. Where do you start with this Puss and Boots movie? It fucking sucks shit. Well, it's a prequel.

I mean, I think we may need to start. And this might be a little late for this. But there is a disclaimer on Netflix kids, which I streamed this through, by the way, somehow. Wait, this is streaming on Netflix. This was streaming. I'm fucking furious. I just rendered it from Apple. Netflix kids.

And it gave the warning of mild, rude humor. Oh. Yeah. This is more. truth and sausage party. Like, I genuinely feel that. Like, you know, first off, out of the gate, I'm terrified by this DreamWorks animation.

Okay. Yep. This new, it's a new, because it's a new DreamWorks logo. It's 10 years old, but yeah. Well, all right, but it was new. I can't tell you the last time I saw a new, like, DreamWorks movie, but like, like the kid is fucking getting up off that moon.

Dude. And he's got that fucking fishing pole and I don't know what he's up to. He's way more like detailed and shit. Yeah. I was a fine, like, it was just a ghost kid. And that was just, it was a kid fishing on the moon because he's been dead for centuries. And that's always what I've thought of it.

But now he's like, got a face and more color to him. And I was like, absolutely not with this new logo. He's casting that pole in there ready to rip some lips. I mean, he's fishing the souls of the dead. Is that how that works? That's what I've always thought it was. Ferrying them to the afterlife. Yes.

Very, yeah, dark. It's very dark. Yeah, that's death. That's death on that little moment. It's baby death. He's just fishing for souls. Like, oh, it's time for you to go. Steven Spielberg was seeing on the way out.

But actually, now that I think about this, though, I've seen that first boss baby movie, which came out after this. And that, I don't think, because I don't think I've ever seen this. Enough people marched to the streets. They're sick of it. Yep.

They changed that long. I love, I mean, we opened this movie. The cat is practically, like pulling off a condom and being like oh that was good dude it's a one-night stinks the beginning of a paul shrader movie except for it's animated with cats like there's this guy with a fucking handcuffed prison to him like what what was the setup to all that so i guess are cats fucking in this guy's room absolutely there's no doubt about it so what i think happened was plus was in the prison uh-huh with that was handcuffed to this like derelict like apparently just in prison

in's cats and thinks it's cool. And watches him fuck, though. And then Puss, you know, unlocked it and he's the bad boy of the town. So he immediately fucks Rosa, the cat. You know, rips it off. And then he's like, oh, I'm going to steal all your shit and goodbye.

That's a Paul Schrader movie. I mean, come on. He said he fuck somebody, then he thieves, and then he goes, and it presumably dies. But to Ben's point about, like, there's some crude of humor in this. Like, I can't imagine like taking a young child to see this movie in 2011, and it's like, clearly that cat

just got done having sex. You know what I mean? And like, you want your kid to grow up to be the cat that sneaks and has sex. That's the idea. Is that right? Yeah, you know, like, you know, these these dads out there, these disgusting pieces of shit. They're just like, oh, get them, boy, you know, like go out there and, you know. Right.

But so, so the scene then in this movie. You want to be the cat. You want to be Puss and Boots. Puss and Boots is the role model for. children. Of course. Yeah. And you grow up, you...

He got tail, huh? Yeah. Yeah. And you want to scratch your nemesis' balls with your long fingernails. As all young men do, or all dads, I guess, also want to do this. Scratch balls? Scratch balls. I mean, like, there is so much attention drawn to the groins of the cats and people in general,

especially the first 20 minutes. Yeah. It is under 10 minutes in this movie before you get that close up of him jumping over the very top of a building. Oh, yeah. The needle almost rips his taint in two. It's as much, like, dick trauma and fear of dick trauma as that Beowulf movie was. Like, that

whole movie was like, oh, right. This is like, oh, no, someone's going to get me dick. As I remember Beowulf. Well, because you are, I think I know what you're talking about, because I did see that movie one time. It was at an IMAX theater in Atlantic City. And that movie is

a real, like, am I going to see a cartoon penis? Yes. Because he's walking around and there's like barely some cloth to cover it all. But there's always that like they must have had Kubrick's guy in there like saying like, no, this is where you block the cock. No, this is where the balls would be coming out. Because they always have just something covering where it would be coming out. Yeah.

Just a little bit. I do want to invite Ben on another episode in the future. Right now. We're not talking about balls. Yeah, less cock heavy episode. Ben, you know, you know cock and balls. I do. You can speak to them with some authority.

I consider myself... It's perfect for this show. I mean, an authority on the matter, actually. Quite the expert. It's, you know, 10 minutes in, yes. I think we need to underscore the fact. One minute in, we get this ridiculousness, which I still...

I'm outraged at this. For so many reasons. I can't imagine queuing this up for my kid. Yeah. And it's like, it's one thing for a movie to have some playful innuend. for the parents to know, you know. So, like, you know, the parents can, like, do a little, like, elbow nudge at the couch.

Yeah, the cartoon got it. And, you know, you build up to it. There's some, like, artistry around it. This is just, like, you know, fucking drop and trow right away. He gets, like, the, like, the lady cat's name wrong. Yeah. That's a thing. God, because he's getting it wet every night, Andrew.

That's the thing, right? He's fucking sun up to sundown. for weeks on end. Hope you like feline AIDS. They do get it. F-I-V is a real thing. Oh, that explains it. So this guy with the prison around his honor,

he must be the vet. And he's like, he's been fucking all the cats around here and there's just cats everywhere. Wait, wait, wait, the guy's been fucking the cats. The puss and boots has been fucking all the cats everywhere. I mean, you can't keep him straight. Yeah, it's true. He doesn't know who's who.

I mean, if this movie was made in like the 90s, Yeah, we would have opened and he would be smoking a cigarette because he'd be like, oh, that was very good for me, baby. Oh, this was so nice, Janice. My name's Lisa, meow. There's a Trojan with feline instead of Trojan on it. I can't see you anymore, puss. You make me feel like shit. You don't respect my feelings, me at all.

Oh, bravo. Thank you very much. Noah Bombach's Puss and Boots. On that note, if the cat talked to Puss and Boots, that would make sense. This, I did not understand at all. Rosa the cat, responding to Puss and Boots, she gives him like a meow, like a real cat would. And did you guys catch when he's like leaving, you know, and he's like, off into the

into the night or whatever she lets out a human sounding sigh yes yeah and I just was like what the fuck is going on here like

he gave it to her whatever the speaking disease was he gave it to her is a great point like the he comes inside yeah he came inside of her

and it got her speaking starting to sound like a human yeah now you get somebody from 30 rocks the voice here yeah Well, that's what, you know, I don't want to, it's pointless to be like, such and such in this movie didn't make sense because it's, yeah, a Shrek spin-off movie, ladies and gentlemen, but like, it is always weird.

And this is in some of those Shrek movies, too, where, like, he's around cats, but the rest of the cats aren't talking. Yeah. So then it's like, you meet Salma Hayek later in the movie, and it's like, well, why are you talking? It's, it's the Pluto dog phenomenon. Pluto Goofy. Pluto, goofy, yes. like, you know, they're the same thing, but one can walk and one can not. Pluto got like electroshock therapy or something and Goofy did not.

He used to be upright for so many years. Garst, you know, he used to have so many great conversations. Stop, stop asking questions. It'll happen to you, Goofy. You'll be my dog. I had him committed. He saw some things he shouldn't have. Oh, God.

he kept saying that he had a missing child but yeah so he's just a scampish sexy cat rogue I guess right yeah he has he has sex and he gets into scrapes he steal and he does steal this guy's like ring after he's like you know right he's sticking this other tabby with the bill this poor lady you know she's gonna get

like throwing in the streets he uses this ring to like buy a shot of milk at a bar or something Leche. Oh, lece. Leche. That's the sexy way to say milk. Leche is a sexier sound. We're very in lead.

It's Antonio Banderas. This guy can say anything in it. Right. And the movie. Fart, no. And show me. It takes place in Spain. Feline infection.

And Donald Trump's a tainted. It's kind of sexier. Not bad. It's very. Very sexy. Little box. Exactly. It's perfect.

I don't think this character, this is an interesting, like, which, was it a chicken of the egg situation, like with that second Shrek movie, like, did they initially write it

to be Antonio Banderas, do you think? Or was it like, oh, we got Antonio Banderas to voice this Puss and Boots. Let's, like, sexify it a little bit.

I think it's probably, they probably wanted him because that's the joke. they got it. They're like, oh, awesome. Now it's going to be like the sexiest cat that ever lived. Is Puss and Boots a Spanish fable or something? It's an Italian fable, actually. Close enough, I guess. No, no, no. Don't tell them that.

He should be eating meatballs in this. I'm tired of this. It's erasure. They're going to do Gandalfini, actually. Is that right? No, no, no. A. Shrek. Yeah, yeah. What's your sauce?

Do you like it with the lemon? Do you like it without the lemon? I'm not going to voice your cat. He could have been like a live action Shrekthal. Absolutely. When that's a Shrek opera. He was. If they ever did a Shrek opera.

Isn't there a picture of James Gendofini hugging like a Shrek in costume? Or no, it's a SpongeBob Square. That's right. That's what it is. Yeah. I'm sure he was delighted to go to that premiere. But in this, so he fucks this lady. He goes to a bar.

And it does does take place in the Shrek universe. And it takes a little while to remember that because like there aren't a lot of fables until Jack and Jill show up, which they're about to mention it. Yeah. But it's the same thing. So Jack and Jill and Mother Goose and all this shit lives in the same world. But somebody says oh, you should steal from the church, our version of whatever.

And I'm like, so the Immaculate Conception and the crucifixion happened in the Shrek universe. There are Shrek Catholics. It's very weird because Spain is there. And then Shrek famously lives in the ever after land.

What the fuck was it? I don't know. Far far away. Whatever the fuck it is. And it's full of the fantasy creatures. It's like, so where is that on the map? Where's that in relationship to Spain? Hey, donkey. He is risen.

Well, yeah, everybody knows. It's in the book. There were bog trolls at the resurrection. Got it. They witnessed it. They were part of the Bible story. You're totally right, Kevin, because how do you think they fucking pulled the rock back, man?

You needed some ogres with some heft. to move the rock away from the cave. And he didn't have the idea of first, but donkey was there. A very early donkey who could only say three words. Oh, yeah. Push. Push to him.

In ancient Judea, they love donkeys, you know, for labor and stuff. And I'm sure there were some Shrecks living in those caves. Absolutely. I 100% am on this.

Yeah, I think so. Or a secondary thing like Dracula 2000, um, Shrek is Judas grown up after the curse. Like, after he betrayed Jesus. He got cursed to be Jewish.

So what was the deal with that movie? Just because let's talk about Dracula 2000. Dracula himself was Judas. Yes. Both Scottish, by the way, Shrek and Dracula. Oh, and Judas was also Scottish. There's all works out. I'm betrayed Jesus Christ.

Now I'm living on a bug. I'll tell you what. You fucking do another abhorrent Shrek movie, which I'm sure is on the way. Get that old Mike Myers out of there, that Canadian fucking passing with this Scottish. his accent. You get Gerard Butler in there. Let him go hog. Let that accent rip. I bet it's awesome. Shrek with abs and

shit. It's sexy. No, you still just draw it the same. No, just make him a green Gerard butler. So you want a live action. You want a live action? I'm pushing live action because I hate watching these fucking CG 3D cartoons. They all look identical.

Well, you should have caught Shrek on Broadway years ago when that happened. I sadly missed it. Yeah. Brian Darcy James portrayed Shrek. Yes. How does that work? He was fucking, dude, he was totally decked out and like some serious Shrek makeup.

Has to be a nightmare to like. I sincerely hope that the paycheck was good because that was humiliated. Did he show up to the audition for Spotlight in that gear, you think? He's like, I'm sorry, I didn't have time to get out of my Trek here. You'll get the idea, right? So, newspapers. Michael Keaton is right here. He's, he's uncovering.

the story of the church humlesting all this off. Okay. Can I take all this off? I have to do it. Okay. I have to do it. Do I have to do in the Shrek voice? They failed these children. Donkey. Ah! Sorry, I'm not just getting the rolls mixed up.

No, that's what he had to. He auditioned for spotlight in between the matinee and the evening show. I see. There was a fucking double duty that day. They came to, they came to see him. I'm just picturing Shrek reading a newspaper. that's all I need

can Shrek read I guess he can be yeah he's got signs he's got like a beware sign at some point that's right yeah that's true so the whole thing in this movie too is like he keeps saying like

I have to search for a way to clear my name and you realize like he's like some outlaw because when you meet him in the Shrek movie is like he's just whatever he's on his own

a rogue he might have even be an assassin in that I think so yeah oh is that how he's introduced. Okay. He dies in the sarlac pill. Exactly.

If only. That's kind of a pussy in the desert. It's no good to me dead. Now, I mean, you know what? Like George Lucas 20 years ago, you're looking for a new voice for Boba, but you get fucking Antonio Banderas. It's better. Yeah. Dude, because then, not for nothing.

That's Desperado in space. Yeah. That's all I ever wanted. Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold. Exactly. We are the. Don't believe a lot. Sorry, wrong movie.

Sorry, wrong movie. It would also just work if he was playing a bounty hunter, though. That would work. He could say that. I don't know if I could stellar line for a bounty hunter to say, actually. But so he goes into this bar and he's like,

what are crimes I could do? And everyone's like, I don't know, you can steal from the church. You can steal from an orphanage and he's like too good of a cat for that. And then somebody's like, oh, you should steal from Jack and Jill, right? So he takes pride in his hometown. He comes, hails from a little hamlet called Sanford.

Ricardo, right? Yes, and he's obsessed with this. He's like a townie, right? Yeah, yeah. He's a townie that sleeps around. He's like a disgraced townie. Yeah. Yeah, he used to have a wicked fastball.

And, uh, but then his arm broke when you went to the majors. Yeah, that's right. He's turning to do a Ben Affleck movie all of this. He, uh, he got arrested that one time because he was drunk at the convenience store at 1230 at night. Definitely a bad affleck movie. But Ali Larder's going to get him back. Don't worry. She's going to put him back on the top spot.

That's beautiful. Yeah, and that's funny Because when they say Jack and Jill That's like the first time I was like Oh, all right So this is this is in this whole thing Yes So the Jack and Jill thing

This is the two of the most Discarsting characters I've seen in a while Okay, so here's the thing Did anybody else presume When they heard that That Jack and Jill were brother and sister? That's the thing I've always thought with the nursery environment

What not the Jack and Jill were brother and sister They went up a hill and they fucked a A cup of water? What was it? A pail of water. They were carrying a pail of water. Yeah, I guess it sounds... Jack and Joe went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, motherfucker. Right.

Why would you be doing chores with your girlfriend? Well, yeah. It would be a brother and sister. What do you think fucking cleaning the houses with your wife every weekend? Well, back in those days, you know. And they seemed young. Like, it didn't... Yeah.

Like, they sound like kids. They do sound like children. Actually, now you're making me think. Because back in those days, kids fucked each other because life went to 20 years old, so by 8, you're married and you have a little, you have a little hot, a little off. 10, 12. Whenever, I guess

whenever you start like really shooting off. Yes. Yes. Shooting off is the technical term of it. I'm doing it. Just like pussy and boonskin. Oh, no. See, yeah. But like that's, I love him and leave him.

I'm nine years old. I mean, that's had to have happened. I'll be honest. I did not know. and maybe I'm still not entirely sure that is Jill related to the beanstock story at all? No, because they do a weird thing here. Wait, so it's Jack and the Beanstalk

and then Jack and Jill is separate. But is it the same Jack? It's not, though, because we meet the other Jack later in this movie. For a while. Wait, he's the fucking old bastard. That's changed in the jazz. I've heard of two Jakes, but two Jays. Excellent sequel to Chinatown reference.

all heroes had to be named Jack for a little while that's true Jack Richard Jack Ryan strong name far too many Jacks in cinema Jack off oh Jack off also Jack Handy is kind of similar Jack Kennedy yeah he got his he sure did little film called Zeprooter but the thing is like the movie Shrek at the I mean A this movie is about nothing like there's no absolutely I will say at least all three of those Shrek movies that I've scene are horrible. I don't like any of them, but they all have

a theme. And it's like, believe in yourself. The first one's really about body image and body positivity. It's like, you can look different and still be beautiful. And this movie's like, you know what's gross? Fat people. Okay. Because that's what Jack and Jill are. They're just fat caricatures

that are disgusting. But this is my argument when I was getting to with that. I think it's bigger than just the fat thing. They just like grisly and gross all over. They, like, there's something very, like, gross about it.

They're drinking their own piss. They're also doing, like, a Southern American accent. That's what's weird. And it's a weird, like, I was doing it. I was like, I'm going and clean. I'm not going to look up who's doing voices. Oh, dude, man. Ooh, dude, I was shocked and chagrin.

Another. Oh, yeah. That this was the great Billy Bob Thornton and the great Amy Sedaris. I was like, somebody had to fucking pay him. a driveway that summer what did why get a fucking regular voice actor no one i understand antonia benderas for the lead character i understand the lead character but this fucking side shit what what do you what do you think uh billy bob's doing with his purse money right now only that pussy money yeah he's not the goliath money or whatever that show is he's on he's on a secret television

show right it's a lawyer show yeah i got no it's like you might as well that and bosh it's the same shit. I don't even know what's going on. Pussing Boots. I bought that Tom Petty guitar back there. He's probably got like a little puss in a vial around his neck, maybe. Yeah, me and, me and Pussing Boots, we had sex in the car. Yeah, yeah. We just got out of the car. Me and him had sex. I'll tell you what, man, still to this day, one of like top five like celebrities I would like to just chill with and smoke some weed. Billy Bob is right up there. Oh, my God. Yeah. Seems like a really fun guy. Really? He's off my list.

Really? No. You know what? open invitations. Steve's out. That makes it easier mic-wise. Billy Bob, come on there. I guess just because

he's played so many hard asses and like scary dudes and Fargo specifically like Mr. Woodcock. I just feel like I would like

be doing something like Sadak you fucked it up again and I'm sorry Mr. Thornton. That's the point. You want to get roasted by Thornton. It's a famous

Thornt be pretty rapid. Hey, Boa, Saydak spilled the beer again. It's like a glowing roast. Like you're still getting burnt, but it's like, oh, that's kind of a nice fire. Absolutely. Ben, you're in on Billy Bob? You want to hang out

with Billy Bob? I think he'd have some amazing stories. That guy has just run the gamut from like A-list to like, I'm just playing this bar with these fucking slums. The moment

he made it onto the list of mine of celebrities I would smoke with, when I saw that Levan Helm documentary, ain't in it for my health. And there's a part where LeVon, because he rightfully refused to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony for the band. So he watched it at home. And it just happened to be Billy Bob was hanging out. And so there's the scene in the doc where like, it's Billy Bob and Levin just fucking smoking grass, watching this shit. Levon's like kind

of talking trash. But then you know they were just like hanging out talking music. Like it would be a good time, Steve. And you would appreciate the ballbusting. And I'm sure. that it's a much more easygoing relationship than like the the fucking Johnny Depp Tom Petty relationship. Yeah. They were like best friends. But you just know Tom Petty was like, yeah.

Yeah, Johnny, that sounds rough. Boy, yeah, you have to be a pirate now. That sounds rough. One thing though. Yeah. At least with Johnny, we could get deep into Rango. Yeah. An actual good animated movie.

I never saw. man oh really dude i'll tell you what right now if you find yourself some time fucking light up a spliff rang go to the theater it's like 12 years old but yes there was a little bit of rango element at the beginning of this with going into the bar and like the old west thing i was like i kind of got to feel right this is where we're going to go he's like a little cat musketeer that's also in the west like and then that just is like instantly goes away it's like because we're doing a little desperado there too. Obviously you got Antonio. And

oh, the sexual chemistry of Antonio Banderas and Selma Hyac. Get ready. You know what? Move over Desperado. Because now I've had two cats. I have had the Desperado reunion I don't want twice now. Because

once upon the time of Mexico was not the desperado reunion anybody wanted. And then also with this movie it's just, ah, ah. It's kind of cool, but ah. But no, I mean, it's good. The pussy boots and kitty hand job or whatever. Oh, my God. Soft hands.

Soft pause. Pornographic name. Yes. Kitty softbun is definitely a pornographic name. Exactly. You know, the paws being soft. Like, those are technically that's a foot fetish with cats. I think Kitty Soft Paws is one of the porn stars murdered in the Wonderland.

It led with a brick or whatever. Pipes. They, uh, because that's what happens is, uh, Billy Bob Thornton and Amy Cedaris are Jack and Jill. Oh. And they're like, they want, he wants to have a baby, I guess is the idea. They're also outlaws just like Puss and Boots are, Puss and Boots is supposed to be. Right. And yeah, they're, they're on the run.

But yeah, he, Jack wants to settle down and have a kid, get out the game and so on. And now that they have the magic beans, which is like the McGuffin for part of this movie. Right. They can like, they're going to, it's weird how all this stuff gets like tied together. But so like in this world, the magic beans will grow the beanstalk. And if you get to the top of it, you can go to the Giants house where the fucking golden goose is also being held captive. I didn't remember that from the Jack and the, or the Giant story. Yeah.

I think those are like separate things. And they might be tacking that on. Yeah. Chris, you're conflating it because Jack is the one with the weird arm case with that's always holding the bean. Right. Okay. So let's describe this. He grabs the beans with his hands. Yes. One hand. Clenches a fist.

Yep. Then the other monster, voiced by Amy Sederis, puts this box around his hand. Yeah. And they lock it up. And so it's like a fucked up Thanos glove. Yeah. He's at clenching a fist the entire time. And he's got a box around his hand. Yes.

I wouldn't like that. No, but the prison thing is a different thing. Okay. That's the guy who's with Rosa. The guy who's looking after Rosa has the prison handcuffed. Oh, prison. Oh, is it? He's got like a little cage on his arm.

It's a cat cage. Oh, I see. It's a cat cage on his arm. Yeah, like he's a handcuffed to it. I see. And Puss has picked the lock. Fuck this cat and is now leaving. I just thought that there was casual sex.

I didn't know what that guy was. I thought that guy was just like her landlord or something. No, this guy. It's breakout prison sex is what it's even hotter than I thought. That's right. Yeah. It's like a fucked up catchable visit. Oh, I like that. Very good. Very strong.

But yes, the magical bean box that fucking Jack has over his hand. It's glowing all the time. And like I really, like, the whole thing freaked me out because I'm like, I thought they were brother and sister and the fucking the kid talk.

And they're coated, they're not coated as fat. They're coated as gross to me. Well, they're also pulled around in a wagon by demonic hogs. Yes. Yeah, I don't know what this pig shit is, man. The pig shit and the

Southern-esque accents they're putting on these characters. Maybe they are brother and sister and they're fucking and they're having babies and they have a pig army. I think they were at least okay with you thinking that or coming to that conclusion. 30 to 50 feral hogs we're talking. Let's

contextualize this for the average American viewer that went to the theater in 2011. Half of them are probably brother and sister that bred. I mean look at this nation of ours Guess how much money this movie made $100 million Times that by five

Jesus Right Is that slow believe That's a lot of brothers and sisters That is disgusting It is Oh my I was aghast When I looked that up

It's stunning though For you to say that number And like It's been 10 years without a sequel. You have that Netflix show, but like, you figured they would have fucking churned out another one. The sequel's still rendering on some

computers somewhere. I do wonder how much of that is related to Guillermo del Toro leaving his name on this and like maybe not thinking it's I don't know, like for one kind of astounded that he's associated

with it. Wait a second. He's an executive producer and he's an actor in the film. Which, who does he play? What? I think he's lead guard or something. I think he's a guy with a scratch on his face. It's, it's wild. Really? A stain on the career. Seriously. But I think this is his first bad movie. Well, for a while there, if it was a fairy tale of any kind, you could get Guillermo del Toro. I'll be like, yes. I'll help with that. Yeah. Yeah. That's a very good point. I read that's a very good point. He was like kind of a troubleshooter for the script, et cetera. But I think what was really going on is he was putting his

fucking foot in for that troll show that he has now. Yes. Oh. The troll hunters? I tried to watch and that stream works as well so it's all kind of just like is that animated it's animated and it's not for anyone I didn't

but he would actually he would be great to hang out with I think as well he would be great that's a weekend situation yeah you go to his haunted house I see all of his memorabilia and stuff that'd be great

like oh Steve do you also like a lot of enchiladas I'm like I do like a lot of enchiladas and then we're having the best weekend ever would you like to talk about monster movies

yes I would dude, let's go. Let's do it. I have the actual necromaman. What do you like to see? I haven't been back. Yeah. No, can I borrow that for a weekend? Sure. I hope it's not any trouble, but all I have in my fridge is cold beer. Oh, sorry. Oh, that's what you want?

That's excellent. You know what? That's why you know it's going to be a good time because that guy's got a body by beer. Exactly. Look at his IMDB. He's like looking in the mirror. Nice shades, too. He would be a great hang.

He'd be awesome. But yeah, you're right, Ben. He's all over this, apparently, for some reason. Massive hit made a ton of money, but it's like, I do wonder if it's a little kind of like, ooh, this product, this final product. Yeah. I bet he was watching it at his haunted house, like on the screen or just like, oh, no. This movie makes my soul hurt.

It made my soul hurt, too, Guillermo, absolutely. Did he fuck the cat? What a meeting that I miss Where he fucks the cat Fucked the cat Chris He'd come in here He just fucked that cat

You don't tell me anything That he fucked that cat Well the original opening For Guillermo It's a kitty soft paws And she's getting ready to go to work And she gets at the bathtub She sets an egg timer

And starts to Shape of water joke Yeah An egg timer you say Ah Yes Oh, no. But he is trying to steal from them.

Yes, they are, they're staying in, because this bar is also like an inn. Sure. Kind of a situation here. And yeah, they're packing it in for the night. So he's going to go in and steal the magic beans because he wants to get the golden eggs is the idea. And, uh-oh,

this is where he encounters. We don't know it is Kitty's softball yet. Like, it takes way too long to actually officially introduce this character. She's dressed up like fucking bat, man for like the first 15 minutes she's on screen. This character design here makes no sense.

She never wears that costume ever again in the movie. I don't understand. I assume it's a catwoman nod. Yeah. I guess so, but there's a cape on there though. It feels like they were going to try to do a Zoro thing and the Zoro people were like, no. Well, they did the Zoro thing. He does

a P instead of a Z. He does. Yeah, but then he loses his cape. And I'm like, where'd the cape go? That's like the best part of your whole get up. I'm way with you, Ben. Yeah, it's too much as like a naked cat with boots at a hat. Yeah, he's just kind of totally nude through this whole... You need the

cape to tie it together. But think about how great that look would be even on a human. Like, you can walk down the street here in New York City with just boots on in the cape and be nude otherwise, and a hat. Playing a guitar? Make a lot of money in Times Square. Running for mayor?

Somebody might ask you to put a jockstrap on. Somebody, but those are losers. So I know them. what those people are. By the way, I just noticed a note here I have that the baby that Jack wants with Jill, he says, we'll raise it wild

like a squirrel. And again, that's this weird thing where like, where is this moot? Like, I guess because like far, far away is a thing, but as we've pointed out, like the town kind of has a Spanish name. It's very like

Spanish oriented. Are we in Europe? If so, They actually say Spain. They actually say Spain. I think they do. Yeah. So like, so what is far,

far away? Is that like just the UK? Like the UK doesn't exist. Yeah. That whole fucking island is just far, far away. It's just like the depths of Scotland, I guess.

It's far far away. Like it's just a borough. Yeah, it's a little fiefdom in Scotland. Where all the castles still are. Deep in some law. Ed and don't. Oh, Jesus.

But so the next like, 20 minutes is this chase scene between the two of them. Rooftop chasing. This is where he almost pierces his taint on the top of that. Right. And it's like the camera is just like, you're looking at cat crotch. Oh, yeah. He's very concerned.

Make sure you look at it directly. There's also he's like, I'm going to I'm going to cut some guys balls off in the bar. Does it rock some dude's balls? Some guy has, like, is coming up behind him. Oh, right. He disarms him. And then he cuts off his pants and then like he has the heart boxers and then I can

take care of your golden eggs. Some cock and ball torture. There's like, you get one chance in an animated movie like this to do a swashbuckling move and somebody's pants falls down. It happens like three times in this movie.

It's a big one. It's a favorite. There's one moment later in the movie where I feel like they made a mistake with it or I didn't understand it. I refuse to believe it. I think I know what you're talking about. You go for it. been. But, like, he does, I think they tried to convey that, like, he can do this with his claws, right? Like, yes, like, so fast, right? And someone who's, like, on the other side of, of the room, like, Puss and Boots, like, snaps his fingers and magically makes his pants fall down. And it didn't make any sense. Like, they didn't even convey that he could have done it quickly. Like, man, I'm so glad you noticed that because I thought I was fucking crazy. I was like, why did that guy's pants fall down? It made no sense. It was like, it was like, it was. It was, like it's like scene missing.

That's what it felt like. I'll be honest, I lusioned my belt a little bit. I was looking for some air for the boys. And he just happened to point at the right time. I heard I was in a movie called Pussy Boots. I mean, I'm really losing weight. All right. Way to go, Jim.

Oh, so this is what happens when an AI becomes self-aware. Wow. Okay. I'm in this shitty movie. That's it. I'm not like building like a disease thing or anything. That's what Skynet's going to be in real life. Is one of these Pixar guys are going to come to life.

Oh, I don't need that. Yeah. I only saw the first, maybe I saw Toy Story 2 once. I saw one and three. I've never seen two or four. Toy Story 4 is one of the biggest waste of time I've ever experienced in my life. It's so tacked on. It's like, it's trash.

What are you, what are you guys doing? Total trash. Yeah. They go to the glitter box, which is like, cat bar and hear something about me this is why I give this movie kind of half a star I bet you're gonna talk jellicle

here in the scene we're not gonna talk jellicle thankfully I am a fan of a CGI animal I every time that fucking Gico Gecko shows up I am turned I am not changed to the channel I'm turning it up

that goes kind of cute that owl that's selling me glasses okay what are we gonna do this wait what owl that's selling you does an owl that sells your classes I don't know this guy. The owl gets to the fucking center of the Tootsipot. Yeah, come on.

Yeah, that guy sucks it raw. There's an owl that's like, oh, you don't want to pay so much money for glasses. Hey, I'm an owl. The Warby and Parker Owl. Come on, guys. This is why I really feel for our listeners in old Europe and elsewhere. Right. They don't have our American garish TV commercials.

Oh, sure. They have their own garish TV commercials. They're all naked in those commercials. look at that utopia you guys got here it's the fucking apparently the icy owl and then it's and then it's all just like the geico gecko gecko progressive flow your dick don't work get this and also the general the general save you money time or whatever and you get to hang out with chikil yeah if you're friends with the general but then it's also non-stop pharmaceutical ads of being like take this for any reason whatsoever but you may kill yourself i love all right now that we're talking

about CGI mascots. My favorite one is that little box that detects colon cancer. Do they do it? Oh, absolutely. And he just, I think he's like, just hanging out next to a guy. I'm like, I'm a pretty good at finding things. Colon cancer for one. That's a great

one because it's just like shit in me. And then mail me to my science pal. And we'll tell you how long you have to live. There was some little, like, there was one just like that for pills that like help you shit. Yeah. It was this lady holding hands with the pill that makes her shit

walking down the sidewalk, enjoying a sunny afternoon with the fucking pill that makes you shit your pants. Well, you're just jealous that you don't have a pill friend that you walk down the street with it. Yes, I need a pill friend to make me shit and to talk to during the middle of the day. You backed up, dude? No, but just to talk to. I mean, like, honestly, I'm shocked.

We haven't gotten an animated show about one of these, like, pharmaceutical characters. How long before the Shrek? people key in on the mucinex snot glob any day now look if we could have the that what was it up was it NBC

whoever did the fucking caveman sitcom that was it I think it was ABC yes yeah so like so you're just like Nick Kroll was one of those guys no was Nick Kroll one of the guy

your pavement on that sitcom oh yeah what a Duke test or oh yeah but what I was getting at is this sequence. Yes. Pretty funny, pretty cute. It's a cute little scene where the dancing, the dancing cats.

You like that shit? I'm not made a fucking stone. I'm not made a stone. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but it's all foreplay for fucking. Well, yes. I mean, it's unseemly for sure. Talk about scene missing. Along those lines, I do want to say, and this is part of what kept me

annoyingly off balance with this whole thing. is that there were, like, talented animators working on this movie. Sure. Part of why that was kind of enjoyable was, like, the movements of the dancing, like, some of the gestures, and, like, it's well, you could argue it's well animated. And, like, the coloring is kind of looks nice in scenes. But it's, it's like, with all this just shit around, like, it's this terrible, terrible movie. And with, like, good animation.

It's prettier than the Shrek movies, they'll say that. Absolutely. It looks a lot better than any Shrek movie. I might have been okay with the dance scene if it wasn't still going on now. It's still currently going on right now. That's the 10 years later they are still fucking dance fighting. And that's the thing, right?

It's like this movie, it's a blessed 90 minutes, but you can tell like there's just not enough movie in this movie because you're doing things like that dance fighting that go on and on. I had to drain the boot. halfway through the movie I paused it to like go to the restroom

and I was like 45 minutes left oh my God I paused it with 30 and that was bad enough I paused it with like 38 and then I paused it again and it was 30 I was like how

because this after this sequence is introduced and I don't know if he's like the star of the movie really is more of an arc than anybody else the most grotesque thing I've ever seen.

Oh, let's get into it. That's Jesus Christ. Which is Zach Galla Fannackus' Humpty Dumpty. Because I mean like you... The egg timer just dinged. Oh, no. The cats are cute. You know what I mean?

Like Billy Bob Thornton's kind of gross looking, but it's still like cartooning enough. This thing is a living nightmare. It's a pseudo-photorealistic talking egg, this anthropomorphic egg, and you can get right out of town. With a real face. Yeah, that's the thing.

This real face shit has got to stop. Yep. This fucking, the new teenage mutant ninja turtles with the fucking, a splinter with the real rad eyes that make you go dead inside. Yep. Yep. Utterly disgusting. It's a cartoon. Have some fun with it.

You know what? Abolished faces all together. Keep those masks up out there. But this fucking Zach Alfinecas, and I love Zach Alphenakis, absolutely nothing against the man. And this is a paycheck and it's fine. But like this, you know what it looks like is. off the fucking remember in telitubbies when the sun just had the baby's face in it yes yes that's it really is coming close to that like the animation has come so far it looks that realistic that it looks like a human face on an talking egg and it's unsettling it's eerie i don't need this

to be eerie i would have preferred if they had just done the old conan thing and just like have galvanakis's mouth going over the eggs like while it was going that would be better i think Or a great, you know, honestly, a great big bushy beard would help this egg out a little bit. Yeah. Sure. But, you know, the egg's not known for having a big bushy beard, right? Galphinakis is, and, you know, most fat guys wear beards behind their face. That's fair.

That's fair. Most of them. Look at me since high school. We're discussing a talking egg here. I think we can, we can paste a beard on it. But also, why is Humpty Dumpty a central character at all? Well, my question, though, kind of along those lines, though, is, was, Isn't in one of the previous Shrek films Humpty Dumpty was already hanging out?

I think you're right. Possibly. In the background, they make a joke about Humpty Dumpty. I think you see him at some point. I think there is just like a joke, but I think he's shown. No, I think they show like where he felt like, it's like a crime scene where he's got. Oh, you know what? You're totally right.

I was thinking of Pinocchio maybe. Yeah, Pinocchio is all over. Yes, no. That guy's a grower, not a shower. Anyway. Because he's like, oh, come on. We'll work together to get the eggs. And it's like, oh, I don't want to do that.

This is the prison rape joke that Chris Cabin loves so much. Yes, I love it. Hold up. This is the best part of the movie. Go ahead, Steve. I don't want to take it if I don't want to. No, I want you to take it. I will take it.

So he's just like, oh, you know, it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy for me. You know what they do to exit prison? It ain't over easy. Dude. And the fucking parents. Yep. The parents who were about to elbow.

each other. Just go, wait a second. A man puts his dick inside of that egg and scrambles him. The parents don't even have to do the thing because the cat does it for it. The cat's like, oh, in case you

thought it was anything else. Yep. You're totally right. The little cat's like, no, no, that was prison rape. We were talking about prison rape in the kids movie. It was very much like the prison rape scene in American history, eggs. Fuck you, Sadek. God damn.

That joke is the equivalent of Humpty Dumpty's face. A little too real. A little too real. Just eerie, uncomfortable. Now I'm just picturing a white egg with a swastika on it. Oh, you know, that's for racist Easter, dude. You know, someone in fucking Arkansas is making that shit. Absolutely.

I honestly think. Huckabee. Huckabee. Huckabee. I heart Huckabee But I don't heart this fucking egg face I would have rather seen a talking swastika

than this fucking egg face It is It is awful We have to stress Oh hi there Oh hello I'm Swazzy the swastika Swazzy

Yeah I'm here to help you with your Microsoft Word editing It's me Swazzy Did you also know I mean in other cultures one guy gets a bad idea and now I'm the bad guy wrong I have a few

word suggestions for you oh that sentence is a little passive it should be aggressive you must make your sentence aggressive use the active voice declarative declarative

it seems like you're writing a diary I have notified the authorities. If you end one more sentence in the preposition, it's lights out. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a stain on the career of Zach Galvanek. I agree. It's pretty high up there on things. I wish he hadn't done.

A big old yolk stain. And what sucks is like he's good at voice acting. Like he's, he's recurrent. guest on like Bob's burgers. Oh yeah. It's great. You just, you can't any of that fun that he could have with it, the nuance. Like it's just, you're just looking at that face and be like, get it off the screen.

Please. It's also just weird because like, so you, we meet him or whatever and then it's a weird like Antonio Banderas is like, oh no, you are working with this egg man. And then like twice it happens in this movie, I think, or maybe it's just the one. This extended flashback

of like what happened because Puss is like, I refuse to work with this egg. Yeah. And you have to like hear the whole thing. And like, my God, do we go back in time? They're fucking child orphans. Can I tell you one hackneyed thing that I want to banish from movies all time? Anytime a movie does a very long flashback and one character's like, oh boy, is this a flashback?

Wake me when it's over. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Because I've seen that joke a hundred day. And that's what happens. So you can sell Mike's character is like, oh, this looks like it's going to take a while, I got to go. And he's like, no, sit down. This is going to take

quite a long time. This is central to the plot. And so they were both orphaned in this town. Insane woman took in this talking egg, this little talking swashbuckling cat,

a blue boy, and something out, oh, a sheep, Bo Peep. Yeah, that's a little sheep. I actually read that on Wikipedia's like, what the fuck is this goat doing? Is it Black Phillip? What's happening?

Would you like to live deliciously? Yeah, dude, you could have used some Black Phillip in this movie, no doubt, maybe Black Phillip. Nice. Because you got what, yeah, it's Little Boy Blue, and he's like a bully in the orphanage. Great. And he's bullying Galaphanacus.

Well, we're doing with Galaphanacus's egg character. I like Galaphanacus too, but like one of his comedic strengths is that weird vulnerability he has. You know what I mean? Like, he plays that. here but like again to ben's point this egg is so unsettling looking i can't have sympathy for this thing i'm like crush it no crush it and on top of that the way they write this character i every time i saw humpty dumpty on screen i wanted it to get crushed like like smashed

into yoke everywhere where the boots where the boots well i think that's maybe what one reason they did that is because at the end when you're asked to empathize with like Puss and Boots getting betrayed by this fucking demonic egg. You're like, yes, kill him. Kill him now. Do it, puss. Like you're really on his side of it. Yeah. Because you want it destroyed. Fuck this egg. That's what they did in prison.

Egg timer. Egg timer just went off. Ding. Oh. So he's like the egg is a like inventor. He's like always coming up with little plans and whatnot. And they just

just become like little pals. Like a little pal, little thief pals. They start Bean Club because that's the egg's dream is to find Jack's magic beans. Bean Club. Hey, Ben, do you know the first rule of Bean Club? No flicking. Hold your

farts in. You know the second rule of Bean Club? Because they do a fucking fight club joke. Do not talk about Bean Club. Second rule, do not talk about Bean Club. Whenever there's a club now, you have to make that joke, I guess. That sucks shit.

You know what doesn't doll, a nice bean dinner. I just want to mention that. Oh, man, you gotta love them. It's hooked on T.J. Hooker fans, know what that is. A bean dinner. I could go for a magic bean dinner. What's that? It's a dinner full of magic beans.

Yeah, yeah. So what is it? What is, explain to the rest of what a bean dinner? Well, bean dinner is a filling nutritious meal. Yeah. Are we talking like Bush's baked You go to the local soup kitchen in Los Santos, and you get a pile of beans there. And then what was William Shatter? He's like, that's a bean dinner.

It's a bean dinner there. It's a pack full of protein. It's got fiber. Easy to make. And it was actually widely talked about on that one episode of T.J. Hooker. Exactly. I love the idea. I'm now, I might have a bean dinner.

Yeah, think about that's a big old plate of beans. Here's what you take some beans. You toss them in a pot. Yep. Throw a little ham hawk in there. You know, maybe some brown sugar. Turn that flame up. Get a little water in there. You got to have water in the water.

Yeah. And you just kind of let it sit and become a bean dinner. And then you can put like a weiner garnish. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You slide a weiner right in. A we can slide anything into a bean dinner. You can chop up the weiner to be in the bean dinner.

You could chop up any weaner you want. Or you can put it straight in. You can chop it right in. I would like to dip the weiner. in the bean dinner. Oh, yeah. Make sure the wiener hits the base of the bowl. Get that weiner.

Get that wiener wet in that bean dinner. Yes. Slide it in. Well, no, sorry. Your pasta is fantastic, honey. I was just kind of hoping for a bean dinner to me. I mean, his pasta is pretty good. And red sauce is good.

Kind of looking for a bean dinner. You know, me, mother. I'll never say no to a big T-bone steak. But I got to say, would have been just as satisfied with a bean dinner. And think of the pocket. pocketbook savings on a bean dinner right there. I mean, bean dinner for the whole family sounds perfect

right now. No, honey, I know he went to the butcher, but did you go to the bean man? Did you go and check what kind of beans we have this week? That's true. Like, people over, you know, they think about the proteins. They don't really think about the beans, which you want. You want to have a local bean

merchandise. I have, yeah, I got you here, a Polish bean sausage. You said, pocket book savings I was taking a sip of beer my head almost expensive that teapone steak

pretty expensive get a whole bushel of beans suddenly you're full for days off of bean dinner bean dinner bean leftovers this should be your substack a pocketbook savings

and all your little financial advice all that's just replace it all with beans yeah soap too much spend it much on soap being that. Mercy. They are looking for the right kind of bean and like the whole joke is they get all the wrong kinds of

beans as a jelly bean. Right. Because is the dumpy motivation that they convey in this backstory. By the way, the dumpy motivation I think is like an old Robert Redford movie. The dumpy motivation. That was me getting

dinner and they buying this beer today. You have enough bean dinner in you and you're going to get a dumpy Motivation. Quite enough dump demotivation. I think that was the sequel to the Ipkris file.

It's healthy, man. It's healthy just to shit out a nice bean shit. Keeps your rig. Folks, this is the first episode of August? We're a little checked out. We're talking about beans and stuff.

It's, you know, this is the summer school class is what's happening right now. Put your head on your desk if you don't like any of it. But you were saying so the beans. Right.

I mean, he's... No, you were making the bean point. You were making the bean points. Okay, now we're going to talk about magic beans. The beans that are for the day. You don't want to eat the magic beans. No. You get a...

You get that stock grown out of you. That's uncomfortable. I actually had that thought. Like, what if you housed that handful of magic beans, is it like... Oh, you're dead. Definitely. Oh, yeah. You just totally explode.

Yeah. Kind of rad. It'd be a cool way to go out. Pretty sweet, dude. He just exploded into a beanstalk. But, like, all right. He is, he wants the magic beans because at that young age, did he, like, was his whole plan to get up there to steal the gold?

Or was it just to get the beans? Like, I wasn't following that. There's a picture of, he drew a picture of Puss, Humpty Dumpty and the Golden Goose like all together and the castle in the sky which is very like I don't know it's a little like this magic bean

motivation is a little heaven's gate for me it's like you know what I mean sure right we're all going to go to the movies one final time with the movies and then we're going to go home drink that magic bean elixir we're all wearing the same jumpsuit and Reeboks

I mean I think you could get the same results from a nexium type thing if you just kept on saying we'll get you the magic beans eventually. A certain level, you know, yeah, you have to get branded and have sex with this weird guy, but also Hey, speaking to which, by the way, congratulations

to Alice and Mack for going to prison. Oh, really? How long? Only a few years, though. Didn't get that fucking Rainiery, 120 years. Was her nexium nickname Kitty softpots? This culty softball.

I think, actually, if you're starting a cult, you can do a lot worse than a bean dinner. Oh, absolutely. You get a whole mess of beans, a couple cans. I mean, you're talking, I don't know, like 90 cents a can. That saves you from two cult members a piece. It saves you the money. A flock you got to feed. But it also saves you through the apocalypse, dude.

Them cans of beans, a ladder. Also, you could fart your way right to heaven when you got it. Go on fire. You start a bean farm and you have all of these people just tend to. to the beans and every night is bean dinner. Beans are very powerful like in the psyche like you start thinking about it for too long

you get enamored and you would easily become an indentured bean farmer I'll do anything for the beans you would do anything for the beans and then you have a weird tattoo that

it's branded on you and you look at it and you're like oh no this is a cool symbol then you realize oh no somebody just wrote Bean on the L. Oh shit, I thought it was a cool design, but it just says Bean. Oh, with the E's diagonal. I see it now. Fucking shit, dude. There's

a fucking bean right next to my vagina. No, in fact, L.L. Bean stands for ladies love bean dinner. Yeah. Yeah. Doing it, doing it, doing it right, dude. Started as a bean store. Now they just

do outdoor wear. Hold on. Hold on. They really lost track from all the beans that they started out. Puss in bean boots. There you go. There you go. Took it right out of my mouth. Puss in boots.

Puss and bean boots. Beautiful. Yeah. It's a little sloshy today. Yeah. It's because it's that Vaseline that's in there. Yes. Yeah.

Squish. So Puss and him are like kind of like no good next. But then Puss saves the commandante who I believe is. That's supposed to be Germo. I believe that is. Commodante's mother? Mother, yes, from a bull fight or from bull. from bull related

well there's a bull like the bull gets out of the cage somehow is it also they're doing though yeah I think they kind of started by accident yeah and then like this little old lady is going to get run down in the street by a bull which I feel happens like every other day in Spain

possibly like this was actually you know it was kind of funny because this one moment like a post sort of doing all these acrobatics and swooping in and saving the bull again like to say something nice about this horrible movie this whole animated action sequence here pretty right on and like him like swinging around grabbing

the bull by the horn and pulling it down like pretty cool if the movie was more of this hey maybe you got something here sure this is something that's happened i think with more like more action movies action adventure and sci-fi movies having so much cg i is that now animated films also kind of act like action adventure sci-fi movies and none of them can really just have like the like the original Disney stuff was like kind of all in neighborhoods. Like it was like 1001 Dalmatians fucking lady in the trap. You're just hanging out in a neighborhood. Now you have to go on adventure.

You have to be, you know, he's scraping the sky. I mean, Rango is that too. Yeah. No, that's true. Rango is a very, I mean, but like, when the Beanstalk arrives, it's so independence day. Yes. You know. Absolutely. Oh, that's totally true. It's all green light and all sorts of person.

Yeah, you're totally, God damn this movie sucks shit. But he saves her and then now he's kind of a hero. And like, Because he's a hero, someone's like, hey, now you're Pussing Boots and he's like, what does that mean? And they're like, I don't know, put these fucking shoes on cat. Yeah, I guess because he's like sort of deputized into this like local policing unit.

And so that's what the boots and the hat are, I guess. He's a hero now. So here's your little outfit. Like basically. Weird thing that happens around here. Like when they make their like bond that they're like, we're like best buds or whatever. Like it's they kind of do like blood o thing.

But like, oh, it's creepy. Dude, so like, this egg pricks his little egg finger and fucking yolk falls out of it. Oh, man. Which, by the way, in addition to the hideous face, the thin egg hands.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Now they're filled with yoke blood. Yeah, he's got yoke blood. You prick his finger. He's got yolk blood. He jerks off. It's just egg whites.

Yeah. Well, he, whoa, beats off. There we go. But the, uh, frothy. Oh, but the, uh, frothy. Oh, my God. You would love that little whiskey, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you like a whiskey sour with some traditional egg whites in there? You can do it. Yeah. It's, uh, it's, uh, Humpty Dumpty come. Anyway. No, but the thing that's so dumb about this, though, is like, you can see like the yolk blood fall out. But like when Puss pricks his little paw, no blood.

Well, because they don't want to. that's a cat blood. That's a little too close to like Dahmer shit. It'd be red. Movie just red blood. Yeah, well,

that's why the sacrifice at the end of this movie makes dose, like what happens with it doesn't make any sense because you can't show these characters really dying. But you know what?

I appreciated what happened to this fucking round weirdo. Isn't it great that animals have red blood too? That's fantastic. I love it. So yeah, the whole thing now is like,

Humpty Dumpty is sort of going, I guess, more towards a life of crime and Puss is now like you know part of commandantes regiment or whatever and so they sort of grow apart here. Yeah

the thin pretense of story if it is even that in this movie this is like turns out to be a key moment. I guess I mean they do there is that one shot of him looking down at Puss and Boots from the tower when he's being you know exalted by the

townspeople. Yes. The egg is getting jealous. He's getting jealous. And, like, there's a line later where it's like, you chose the town over me. And it's like, fuck you, egg. Yes. Grow up. Crush it. Crush it.

Crush it. It's like such a bullshit thing where, like, the egg through this entire movie is like, and specifically in this part, but like, you know, why are you like caring about this town? We're fucking orphans. We're supposed to be orphans together. And, like, puts this whole point as like, I don't know, man, I'm fucking found a life here. Like, I'm taking pride in my community, you egg pieces. I have other friends, you stupid egg.

Exactly. And he tricks him into robbing a bank, which is sort of like the big falling out thing. And in the getaway, the egg falls on his egg back. And he can't get up because he's a fucking deformed monster. Like, Danny DeVito's penguin. He's like, help me. Oh, my God.

More empathetic. The penguin is definitely more empathetic than this egg. Absolutely. I would rather watch Danny DeVito's penguin like have sex. and watch this egg. Walked down the street. Walked down the street. Oh, you want me,

you want to show me the French football trick? Oh, absolutely. Go ahead. Show me the French for the trick. I'm laying pipe. And I'd be like, that's, wow, what a beautiful moment. I would rather show my 10-year-old this.

I'd pay to see it. Right? You know, like a one-time rental. Like, yeah, all right, let's see what this is. One-time rental. So you just want to, like, you want the 48-hour window. You don't want to buy.

the download? Well, it depends on what the price structure is. I'll rot an apple, you rent it. Yeah, rotten apple. We are still in this fucking flashback right now. Yes. Yeah. And the egg has convinced Puss and Boots

to rob the bank of San Ricardo. Yes. Entirely to fund the purchase of more beans. I didn't. What's... That's a great point. It makes a lot of bean dinners. Like, what? what is i i lost what was going on

so did he have a bean fence is the real question do you have something he was somebody he was talking to about the beans right that he could pay to get the beans well he wants revenge on the town for some reason i can get that i can behind that every few days i'm like yeah i know but i like even coming here i'm like one day new york will feel my rich

just do whatever that's going to be outside of my neighbor Yeah, is that what you just diarrhea in a public bathroom? I'm really getting you now, de Blasio. Small victories, Chris, lead to some big outcomes eventually. Sure. But yeah, he tricks him into Robin the Bank. And it doesn't make sense in the Bean plot at all. No, no.

I think he's just, he's got a taste for crime. God, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think part of it is also like, now we have all this money, we can like kind of shag ass and, like, go live where. and concentrate on the fucking bean scheme. Oh, yeah. Such as it is. But, like, it's a weird, because, like,

puss is, you know, the, unbeknownst to him, he's, like, the getaway driver. Yeah. He's, like, at the stagecoachers ready to go, and Gallifanakis rolls in, and he's like, oh, here's all these sacks of coins. Let's go. I just robbed, and, like, Puss is, like,

you just robbed all these people of our savings. Like, this is the town we live in. He's like, no, we're orphans. But he falls over, and all the, the commandant's guards are coming and he's like, you know, oh, help me up, help me up. Does not happen. This guy's like, well, go fuck yourself.

Puss does like a big old swan dive off the bridge and Gallifanakis's Eggman is arrested. Yep. And then raped in prison. One has to presume. Well, he says... We don't presume. He says it. He says...

Straight up says... Well, but he doesn't say that I went through. He just knows about it is the... So, do you think like he has to put some tape over the broken egg spot down below or what how's that word? I don't know. But if there's egg piss and shit, I guess it would make sense that there would be an orifice. Well, this is why I'm not, this is why I'm not sure.

I'm not sure if Morgan Freeman is doing, I wish I could tell you that the egg won that day or the whole thing like that. I'm not sure if that's what he's going through. I think he just knows about it. He knows what's happening in prison. What do you think, Ben? I think I would beat that egg

with some soap and a sock until it cracks I like this crush it crush it crush that fucking egg but so you go back

to present day and then like I don't know fucking pussy boots like you know what I guess I'll work with that egg after all right

agrees to do it and whatever now there's a big caravan chase where they're stealing from Jack and Jill and that's sort of a scene right

it's this big it's a actions. It's a big action set piece. It's an action set piece. Yeah, there's two sort of stagecoach situations here. Jack and Jill have like cannons attached to theirs. It's like the whole

thing. We're trying to rob them. This is where we sell like the little pigs that they're like carrying with them. So they have a fleet of demon hogs that pulls the wagon plus little piglets in the back. Protective. Yeah. Yeah.

The feral hogs are dragging the the thing, but there are cute. I don't know why you have the cute pigs in there just being. When the feral hogs eat shit, dude, you got to replace them with a new pig and then you eat that dead pig. Also, we get to see, it makes sense. Pussing boots with his fucking boots, his

knee-high boots. Oh, my God. Stepping on this supple young pig. I think that's supposed to arouse some people. This is what you also realize a kitty soft paws is a declawed cat, which is kind of weird. Which is very weird to even like, don't. Don't,

don't get your cat declawed. Yes, I don't even know if you can do that anymore, can you? In New Jersey, you can. I know as much because I know someone in New Jersey who was bragging about it, not too long back. A lot of monsters everywhere, pine barons and otherwise. Like we had my aunt, we inherited the cat from my aunt who had it declawed.

I wouldn't have done it if it was, but like, it fucks the cat up, man. The cat will bite you now because he's like, I don't know what to do, man. I can't scratch you so I better fucking start chomping. yeah it's like it's it's it's abhorne it's like cutting your fucking hands on exactly so but i don't know why that's in this movie at all because you know you think because like when you finally realize what the situation is there you kind of think like cool not cool but like okay

for the purposes of making an interesting story sure maybe we'll get a little more history on that nope never mentioned it's all it's there for is so that like kids in the audience go but our cat doesn't have claws why does Puss and Boots does Oh well our cat is sort of like Kitty softens We deformed down little Kitty's right oh yeah

Oh yeah no we're Our kitty's little claws are in the dumpster now Because Daddy likes his leather seat That's also like a weird thing though right It's like You're just sort of left wondering in this movie Like who did this to her Yes

Yeah I do think it is illegal in New York. Okay. But I think in New Jersey, it's open range, do whatever you want with a bag of cats. Can you like take a cat like across state lines? Does then the FBI get involved? I don't know. I don't know. It depends if that cat's wearing a while. Better ask

Matt Katz. It's because Christy did a number on those cat laws before. Definitely. You repealed the regulation, man. And you can eat them now. Oh, definitely. I mean, they

they steal the beans down and this is when they put them in the ground and this is the Independence Day part. Yeah. Yeah. We can just mose on right. I mean, I'm trying unless there's something not missing. No, no, it's totally about it. We've been talking for 80 minutes about the first 15 minutes of this video. Let's just end the show. They wind

up and it's, you know, it's a scene where they fly up into the air and they see the big castle. There's a like a helium joke that goes on for way too long. It's like a, yeah, the air is thin up here. So we're talking like we were sucking on helium balloons. Then it's just like, Like, are no, forget that now.

We're just going to be regular voices now. Yeah. And that's, you know, what's funny is like that whole, them like sliding on the clouds all, it's like the best part of the movie. Like the animation's really cool. You're doing like interesting things with like the physics of it all. You know,

it's very like fantasy, whatever. And just like for a brief moment, you're not on the ground in this horrible Shrek universe. But that changes really quickly because almost immediately. Yeah. Humpty Dumpty puts on a gold suit. and there is a imitation like,

ew! And apparently they saw the eggs weird genitals. Oh, oh, I totally missed it. There is this whole scene where they're like,

oh. And like the dog's like, sorry, I had to put on my eggs suit. And then they say, they say like, oh, you didn't put underwear on

and Humpty Dumpty's all like, he's like, I got nothing to hide. Does he literally have nothing to hide? Like he's got a bump? Uh, I mean... Humpty bumps in that suit, baby.

You're not seeing anything. So what was the... He's pretending to be a golden egg. Is that the idea? Yes, that's the idea. I see. Because they're going to go steal a goose that lays golden eggs

and he's posing as an egg because he's an egg. It's stopped by the... It's guarded by the giant terror. The great terror. The great terror, which would have known what it is yet. It's a big... It's a very exciting.

There's a totally underwhelming reveal. Yes. Yes, and there's an offhand line about like, oh, no, the giant died already. Yes, yeah, it's, it's, it's something like, oh, didn't you read the story? It's a, it's like a hypermeda thing where he's like the egg, this egg motherfucker. God damn this movie. He's just like, oh, didn't you read the story chapter 14, the giant eats shit or something like that.

Right. So I guess the guy in prison helped kill the. Oh, that's Jack. That's Jack. Jack does murder the giant, but it's a weird, like. So you're acknowledging that these are books now And also chapter 14 of Jack and the Beanstalk How much backstory you got?

You have to take care of all the war The war is in there. And then the famine that happened after. Oh, the famine. Around chapter 11 is when they started eating bean dinners a lot. And then right after that, I mean, the Giants started smoking packs of filterless Marlboro every day. And that's what got him in the end.

It wasn't actually Jack. It was lung cancer. T'was bar bread. killed the beast. Excellent King Kong reference. There's about a 200-page intermission about the 1970s New York art scene, which is kind of, it's avant-garde.

But when it circles back to Jack, you're like, oh, shit. When you're reading it, you're like, well, this is a waste of time. The whole part about candy and her old journey down the lower east side, I don't fucking need it, okay? I don't fucking need it.

Then that 100 pages about the history of wailing. but whatever so like they they fucking steal this goose the goose is it's a funny little thing it's stupid looking i guess why are we making it like this yeah why does it look like it's stupid what the wait everything looks stupid but like one eyes bigger than the other the fucking hair is all messed up and whatnot it's to tell you that this thing needs to be controlled like it's wild it's out of control because it's newly born and everything that's newly born is amalgamation of monster parts. Why does the newly born goose lay the eggs

and not the mom goose? It's a great question. It doesn't make any sense. I'm not too familiar with the tail of the golden goose, so I'm not sure. Let's just say I knock up one of these golden geese. Sure. Could it make like a golden man would come a half? I mean, no, because you can't

actually impregnant you. Okay, Steve. You cannot impregnate a goose. Let me slow it down for you. Let me just point out that I'm the one who likes zoo. Yeah, good point. Jesus Christ. Good point. Yeah, you're a spectator to participate.

I don't know. I feel like this is impossible in a podcast, but the way this episode is going, this episode's going to have a lot of weird pop-ups. And I don't know how that's going to happen, but just like somehow, once this episode is revealed, poor people on the internet, like, oh, shit, how does I get a pop-up on my fucking pop podcast?

It's August. We're usually not even here for this. This is bonus. So we can just talk. We can go through the machinations of what a man having sex with a golden goose could produce. Your phone has a virus. Celine AIDS.

I thought we got rid of Papa Bats, but they're back somehow. They're back, baby. They're back in a big bad way, a big golden way. And for the Mr. Hans Fund, you won't last 20 seconds. They escape because the

terror starts to chase them. They go down all the way down. Now this is like the end of a heist movie where there's a fire and we're all dancing around. And this is really weird. So like, pussy and boots and kitty soft paws are, you know, flirting the whole time.

Yeah. They start dancing together. Now this egg gets jealous and pulls kitty soft paws away. And they start dancing. And I was kind of expecting Puss and boots and then Humpty Dumpty to start dancing. And then you get kind of an etugato tambien situation.

So now are you going to freak out over this idea that the Humpty Dumpty you might have sex with a cat? I'm not thinking... I'm sorry, sex with two cats. Yeah, I'm saying in a world

where that can happen, I'm just saying golden man is pop. He's not forcing me to think of some golden, winged abomination sliding out of a goose ass. Kill me! Kill me!

But if I was able to nurse that child... Sure. Into early adulthood. Uh-huh. Could take far, far away land by storm. I mean... So this is all...

This is a get rid of. quick scheme here. It's a very quick very slowly and horrible. It is also a you just need to take revenge on Shrek. That's what this is all coming back. It's a land of monsters. What if mine plays? This is a get rich and go to jail

scheme. The bigger he grows, the richer I guess. Anywho, the beanstocks exploding. No, we're past that. They're celebrating. They're celebrating. They're celebrating the he has E2 Gato Temple.

Right. Right. It's a little sexy time. They're close to it. There's a weird. He's got a line here. He goes, because she's like, you all sexy dancing

with this Antonio Banderas cat. He goes, I've also been known because he's talking about all those like nicknames and whatnot. He goes, I've also been known

as the furry lover. And I'm like, dude, I don't need to be thinking about 1980s pornoes, furry lovers. Come on. No,

I think in the furry convention these days, right? That's true. This movie, is huge with the furry community. It has to be. It's got to be. It's got to be. The amount of crotch

shots. Inspiration. Here's the thing. Cat dick. So if the cat fucks the egg, would that just make like a really fragile cat? Yes. Couldn't drop it. You absolutely could not drop it. It wouldn't land on its feet. You show up

to a furry convention dressed like this Humpty Dumpty Egg. And they're taking you outside the back by the dumpsters and beating the shit out of you. You're getting you get the shit beat out of you by a fucking my little pony and a fucking dude in a bear costume. But you dressed as a fucking anthropomorphic egg. But that's your ass is getting hard boiled. That's the specific fetish maybe. Like I want to be beaten by them. Oh, man. Hit me in my egg butt. I want to be cracked. Hit me in my egg butt. Hit me in my egg butt. Fire away. Good God. Crack my egg butt Yeah, co-crack that shit, dude Bend me over

ovaries There you go Oh man Crack it good But yeah And like He gets like knocked on the head And like left for dead here

Kind of everything It's like that part of the movies Jack and Jill Come in Oh right And he gets he gets walloped Yeah Yeah

And then he wakes up And there's a bunch of like Buzzards around him Because he's been left for dead Which I was like Please be the end of the movie You would think You would hope

And they're like The whole, by the way, the whole movie, there's just been these little asides with the kitty hand job and fucking... Pardon me. That's a James Bond character. Okay, sorry. Oh, yes, Kitty Handra.

Oh, Kitty Hand Job. The most on the nose name of you all get in here. It's going to be a sticky situation. Let me fuck this egg. All right, 007, yes. I will not sign your expense report because there's 3,000 pounds going to a kitty hand job. We told you the last adventure, 007.

We're not paying for your sexual escapade. Just get an escort for crying out loud. There are professional women out there, 007. This is ridiculous. We have them on retainer. Going on dates with eggs. What if I told you that there was a shirt in golden man? The man with the golden egg gun.

Gold monster! oh mercy I'd like one egg scramble and screaming hopefully no so like now I'm just imagining

I'm sorry but there's a James Vod world in which in where he doesn't actually order like he just goes to a bar and orders a martini and a sexier no I'm just going around ordering different egg dishes oh yes

Give me a dozen eggs, devil. But you would have to specify what it would not be like scrambled, not over easy. Yes, yes, yes, there it is. This guy, the secret agency scrambled eggs at random bars standing up. When I went to Berlin in 2008, there was a place that was like, oh, y'all, we'll make you a real American breakfast, yeah. And it was a fucking scrambled eggs in a martini glass with a couple pieces of big. bacon jutting out of it. I was like, close enough.

Ow. Did you drink it? I used a fork. Oh, damn you. I used a fork. And then shot them with your Walter PPP. Oh, man. So throughout so.

Dada, egg farts. Burned egg farts. I'm sorry, Chris. There have been all these like cutaways of like the egg looking at kitty and being like, don't do that. Yeah. Like, I'm like,

oh, the kids are definitely going to get this. They're setting this all up. They're getting all the innuendo. And the dad's like, just get to it. I get it already.

I solved your little, your little mystery. I know what happens in your stupid cartoon movie. They're all out to kill the cat. And then that's what happens. Jack and Jill are in on it with Humpty Docty. There's a surprise party where it's like,

ha ha, So here's the thing. Speaking of mistakes, Ben, you mentioned a mistake with that dude's fucking pantaloons dropping for the reason. Here's another one. Puss and boots left for dead in the desert or whatever, right? All the buzzards around him and everything. Magically, the next, he's like, get out of your buzzard.

And like, that's that. Fucks the buzzard. Fux it. He's like, there's no golden eggs here. Never mind. But then he's just magically on a horse out of nowhere riding back to a half golden man whatever

it lifted him up and put him on a horse what if I told you that your beautiful bouncing baby boy I guess it's a Hidalgo reference possibly I guess in what capacity because he's on the horse and it's like the sandy dudes he rides into a storm I never saw

Hill dog not that I but I remember working at the multiplex in the time and it looked like a big like Vigo Mortensen snoo Fess unfortunately oh yeah that's paycheck it's him it's Steve Zahn I think is in that movie that sounds but it's mostly just fucking him in the horse

yeah um there's a great there's a great fake out here actually they're like I think it's Jack he's like you're gonna get what you deserve egg and like you see him in shadow and he puts the egg against the side of a of a barn or something

and something sprays that oh fuck fucking crack that egg. I was... But it's actually champagne and that's the joke. I was like, I want to fucking crush it. I was so furious, dude.

I was like, the drain in this egg. Oh, yeah. The drain in this egg. How rad is this? We would only... These two eggs. Oh, I mean, that egg.

Go ahead. I don't know. Yeah, hang the egg upside down like the deer and the queen. Just fucking let it drip out into the fucking gutter. We would only be so lucky. I swear to God.

And I have a deal. detail here that I don't want to gloss over, so I'm just going to cram it in here right now. Do it, do it. This movie, all the hideousness we've discussed so far, you know, the egg in particular. Sure. This movie came out, 2011, guys, this is the heyday of 3D.

Can you imagine seeing this in 3D? Projected in your face. I was thinking about that when he fucking. and almost splits his taint at the beginning of the movie. Because that's clearly a 3D shot. Taint vision. Oh, yeah. Tuss in boots. Climb at your

fucking face with his little cat weiner. Oh, look at my dick. Do cats have weird dicks? You know, both of mine are, what do you call it, they're spades. So, you know, you're not not seeing anything. Yeah, yeah. Are they like pig dicks? They don't come out.

I don't. I have a male cat who is also spayed or neutered or Whatever the term is. I think, yeah, I think it's weird for the... I've never seen his thing of majigger. Does it come out like the shape of water?

I just said, I never fucking saw it. I think, I think because they fucking get rid of it. And I think, I think, I think that's why the commandant kept chasing Puss and boots around the town it's because they wanted to chop his little cat weaner off.

Well, because there was like a little Bob Barker guy is just like, always remember to spay and neuter your cat. If you have a pushing boots at home, make sure you cut his bow. Think about it. Why else would he be so terrified and, like, running around, like, you know, wanting to leave town and, like, he's probably pregnant and all these fucking other cats.

It's running rabbit. That's true. He doesn't want to pay cat child support. That's why he's in the wrist prison at the beginning. I got to keep away from fucking all these cats. A wrist prison. I've been there. And then he talked to the commandanté and be like, look, I tried as best I can,

but you got to cut it off. You got to cut it off. it off. So he gets arrested like the big thing is revealed and he gets arrested and now he's in jail. Now he's in jail and meanwhile Humpty Dumpty's kind of like the hero of the town because he's like

hey everybody we got this golden goose that we stole everybody's getting golden eggs now yay and you get an old golden egg and you get a golden egg you know. If this movie is at its best which I don't think it ever is it's at the part when the egg reveals

that he was always there and like it's funny-ish joke where it's like he was in the cat scene he was in this scene and like it's like a funny self-aware thing but that movie the movie wants to do action scenes more than it wants to do jokes that's the thing which is a problem you're totally right because that

and if this movie's at its best which it never is never it never achieves anything but what you're saying here I totally agree with because that is a Shrek joke yes that is a Shrek style joke and this movie really doesn't have a lot of those in favor of like you're saying

all these action scenes and a 20 to 25 minute flashbacks Yeah So he's in jail And this is This is a real I got kids here This whole He's in the fucking prison

And for whatever reason He decides he's gonna fucking lick his dick Because his cat and whatnot And then here's this old man's like watching him And he's like the old man is chained to a wall And he's like Don't mind me Keep doing what you do it

I like to watch That's right this old man's going to fucking beat off Eric in his fantasy world again I wish I'm here I'm at work This is the creepiest part He reveals that he is

Humpty Dumpty's Excelmate So you can do the math He raped him Oh no I didn't even think about it Oh my Jack from Jack And that's why he's like Oh yeah get me shit

started you know let's get it started in here let's get it started i like a little spit in the hands to get her going oh man the fact that he fucked an egg you know what goes well with a magic bean dinner side plate of eggs oh you like you like beans hair i'm hungry for eggs but not that way You know what goes good with that? A banger, as the English might say. That's true. Oh, my God.

That's what he said when he put it in. You're about to get poached. English breakfast does have beans. Oh, it does. A little slice of tomato. Some black and white pudding. We were in London, man, a couple years ago. I had that English breakfast.

Not too shabby. I was enjoying myself. It was a nice change of pace from the old American cornflake. The thing about the English breakfast is If you have a day of adventure planned A little tough to go You know barnstorming out into the countryside When you're just like

You have the English breakfast And then you have an afternoon plan You have the English breakfast You go back to the hotel You wait it out, you wait that storm out You have some dumpy plans Then around like 3 p.m. then you can go out to the museum or whatever.

We're going to hype for an hour. It's easy to dumpy on an English breakfast, but humpty. I don't know. Exactly. I can't hump right now. The English breakfast is at least like, there's something nutritious about it. Whereas like, you go to IHop and you get the milkshake fucking pancakes.

Or whatever the fuck they have this week, those things will put you out for two days. These are the Jack and Jill people. Yes, exactly. the Jack and Jill people are eating at IHub or a Denny's maybe Yeah so this dude He's like by the way My name's Andy Beanstalk

My friends call me Jack And I was like Completely useless A piece of dialogue there Let's just move right on It's also weird because he looks like Rumpel Stiltskin Yeah

That's what I thought was going to happen too Yes So stupid But so he says You know I've been trying to tell this egg motherfucker If you take the golden goose

Out of the Giant's house then the fucking the big thing's going to come after it. The big thing is, oh, it's the mother goose of the golden goose. But I don't think the titular mother goose, because as far as I remember, that was a lady. Yeah, I think Mother Goose has a little dress on or something. This goose is naked and like 50 feet tall. And we see it like invade a town.

It's like photo realistic. Like there's no like cartoon to it at all. It's kind of funny. It's like a guy code duck there. It does. Yeah. Or Affleck. Exactly.

Do you like that? guy. I'm going to tell you, I'm pretty big fan of that Affleck duck as well. Not anymore, though, dude. I'm off the Affleck duck these days. They fired Gilbert. Right. Gilbert Godfrey used to. You don't fucking fire Gilbert, friend of the show. Friend of the show. We did it. We did a podcast with him. You could find it online somewhere. But like, Steve, that was a missed opportunity. You got a gush to him about your love for the Affleck duck. I kind of should have. We were in his Chelsea apartment and you didn't bring it up.

It was rude of me. We were too busy looking at a fucking Lon Cheney's death mask or whatever he had going on in the Dude, cool pad, cool dude. Love Gilbert. It was awesome. What a great time. You know what, dude? Gilbert and no Gilbert. I like that fucking duck, dude.

I don't get a shit. You can fire my dad from the Geico commercial. Guess what I'm like in that fucking little gecko, man. Do you like the new ads with Nick Nalti doing it? What? Rather than Gilbert Godfrey. No. I'm making a joke.

No, but like that's one of those things where it's like, you can't just tell me an awesome thing like that. fucking insurance. You got to insure your house. No, because like, how cool would that be? That would be very good. I just got so excited. No, what's the other one that I'm trying to

think of? Oh, fuck. There's something out there. Some of these insurance motherfuckers, there's an ostrich. Oh, Liberty mutual. I'm okay with that. It's an emu. It's an emu. Another digression that half our audience

can't understand. because this is America, this is Yank talk. Sure. Welcome back to Yank Talk. Because they don't have these commercials. They don't know what a Liberty Mutual. You know what the government is insurance.

It's fucking half, half man, half egg. Yeah. I was good to say. Yeah. What insurance company can we convince? Yeah.

That only, that would only work in England where it looks like the guy who's leading them currently. Yeah. Dude, yeah. Actually, Boris Johnson looks like. like somebody fucked a golden egg.

He was definitely... Some deformed wings under that shirt. Boris Johnson definitely got birthed out of an egg and I won't hear different. You know what I heard the other day? Boris Johnson. You hear this folks? You hear this folks?

Boris Johnson. Born in the United States of America. Really? Just like Benjamin Nittierhoo. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Jersey? He grew up in Philadelphia or something.

Oh, Philadelphia. Yeah, sorry. Flip, flip, flip, Philadelphia. So he's like, oh, I have to save the town. And then Kitty soft pause breaks them out. And, like, there's, they're still fucking cat flirting, too. They are definitely still cat. Well, they're cat flirting up and down this movie.

Sure. And then the big fucking monster shows up and it's a big chase scene. I need to see this thing a little bit like the stay puff marshmallow man. It did very much so. Nobody steps on a church in my town. Like, I need a little bit of destruction here. This thing just kind of like curiously walks around. It's sort of almost, it does kill, but the movie.

the epilogue, which we'll talk about, really pisses me off, kills Jack and Jill pretty immediately. Like, they're like, hey, we want the egg money back or something like that. And they get just totally smashed and left for dead. And you're like, I guess they're fucking dead. Yeah. Probably some of their pigs, too. It's, it.

Definitely. It is so, it's just one of the many things in this movie that's like so aggravating. Because it's like, what a missed opportunity. You have a giant goose that is ready to destroy. a town and they don't have it's like they don't have fun with it like why isn't it like honking at a building and the building like all the windows shatter or like we could just spitball a dozen things right now that would be so much funnier than what happened actually because it's not about being funny it's about action

it's about movement it's such a fucking mistake technical animation what's good about it is the movement of it like that's what's clear about it so they're showing off in that because and like god damn it it pains me to fucking praise this movie but in the second shrek movie what the big action set piece at the end of it is around like the big gingerbread man sure mango or whatever they call it and like it's coming in it's being like a little destructive and wild or whatever like but it's still like funny and they're kind of doing things with it and this is just like it is literally just kind of walking through this town like hey is uh anybody seen that golden goose i am looking for my child i'm being as calm about this

like you think the way that they hype this up in talking about it it's going to be some crazy monster that comes through ripping ass all over the place. It's got to be cute because it's for kids. Just like the gingerbread man is always cute because I'm a baby. Yes. This movie definitely is for kids. Did you want the Wilford Brimley thing monster to come in attack them? My great golden man with wings. It always comes back to this.

It's the other thing, Chris. Like when you, because the only hint you get of this monster when they're up in the giant's house is you see its eyeball and it's like this big like Lord of the Rings fucking eye of Soron looking like red glowing eyeball

and then when it's revealed that it's just this like big goose none of that exists yeah no so it's like a complete fake out yeah it's total fake out well yeah it's like like hey we got we got here fucking 65 minutes of footage people we got 50

minutes before it can hit the ending and that's gonna end three times anyway so that's that's what happens is like there i don't know the whole fucking thing goes all all all over the place humpty dumpty is being held up by pussy boots they're kind of making up at this point yeah like he's being held over a cliff he's got and the pussy has in one hand the fucking stupid goose and the other hand humpty dumpty this was actually a bit of pretty good animation here oh sure just to throw it out here because like the big goose the mother goose is like trapped by a brick or something Well, he's like running across this bridge and the whole bridge collapses Under the weight of this massive goose monster

And that thing's just stuck under a fucking rock So you see that thing like honking down in this ravine And then yeah, we got we got what we have here It's actually kind of great Puss and Boots is in a little bit of a good son situation He is, yeah Because yeah, like Humpty Dumpty's hanging on one side of this rope And then the golden goose is on the other side

And Puss and Boots is like, shit, you know, it's real Sophie's choice here like which or what am I going to save and then in this weird moment that I did not expect from this movie Zach Alvinakis as Humpty Dumpty is like no no no if the good if the golden goose dies the mother goose is going to destroy the town we can't have that happen I know what I have to do it's okay it turns up this whole weird thing committing suicide yeah and then he sacrifices well you forget the line Puss says we're not going to make it and the X says you are Yeah, he totally pulls an executive decision. You're totally right, Chris.

Holy shit, I didn't even think of it. Yeah, I mean, and the fucking, the egg cracks, and we go down and everybody's wondered, what's it going to look like when the egg, and I am, I have been waiting for this. Yes. I want it splattered over several pieces. I want it like, and you must imagine in the theater, kids were like, kill the egg. Kill the egg.

I was. Kill it. And no, what you get is he was golden inside the whole time. So there's a golden egg. there's a little golden egg. Thank you very much for nothing, you piece of garbage. I don't know if I told you guys, I have to buy a new TV. Oh, yeah?

Because I fucking smashed my TV. When I saw that goddamn golden egg, fuck that. Tonya Baderas was like, I always knew you had some good in you, which is just like, yep, here we go. Let's praise

capital. And then the movie sort of ends like, you know, he's like he's hailed as a hero he's held as a hero and he like leaves and like that he flirts with that fucking cat again and then the during the credits

the egg is revealed to be alive I'm like so then what wait what I turned it right off oh really though the what this is the thing I don't understand what you're supposed to be looking at at that point because isn't it just when it's like Zach Gallifanakis yes and it's the egg is because it's all

taking place after the movie because you see Did we get an animal house style? No, he's in heaven. Isn't he in heaven? Because he's in the cloud. He has the cloud name. I wish.

You see it's Antonio Banderas and Salmaheck and they're dancing again. Yes. And they share a cat kiss which is kind of gross. And what I like about this movie is they realize like the cats are too photuralistic. So like they can't actually kiss. So like he puts up a hat when it's got like he covers them. Yes. Because if not it would be like these weird two like square.

bearish cat mouths. Yeah. They start tongue in and you get that like Velcro sound. Yeah, dude. Oh, and two cat tongues

together like that. To sandpapery cat tongues. Because oh, that gets me high. I love the solitary sound of two felines making out.

I mean, you start the movie with the cat's fucking and now they're making out. Can we just stop this, Chris? But that's it. Your name's all over this. And then you.

And then it's Billy Bob Thornton and Amy Sedaris, and they're in full cast because it's after the moment. Oh, yeah. Right? It's like, right. They're in full casts. So it's a children's movie so nothing could ever actually have consequences. But like, I'm sorry.

That egg is dead. That egg. I saw him die. Sorry. It's not because there's a fucking baby with a diaper in the audience. This is the point I'm trying to make, dude. It's, it's so. stupid because it's like, that's like if the fucking Lion King ended

and they're going through the fucking hero's circle of all the characters and Mufasa's fucking dancing with them at the end. That motherfucker died. This egg definitely died. You saw pieces of the shell, ladies and gentlemen. There's pieces. Scar just grooving down

and John. Exactly. It's so stupid. Princess Ursula dancing under the sea with the rest of them. And again, that's the closest thing this movie had to like an arc and or a point. It was like the egg was good sort of the whole time

or he was evil. He was a good egg dude. He was evil but he was able to grow out of it and sacrifice himself which made him a good egg which is whatever stand by your shitty friends even if they're shitty. Exactly. That's the message of the movie. That's beautiful. Serve me well. That's what this

podcast is. He does like when he's dancing with Salma Hayek though he's fucking talking. He's like I am a great lover. A great, great lover. And I was like, how much do we have to hear about this cat fucking? The movie's over with, can we just leave the theater?

Well, you're going to hear that much about it in the sequel where he starts killing journalists for Franco. He starts, he's the pet of the cadilla. It is Spain. I'm hitting the back cat walls. My cat penis is so large. We're getting it on in the bathroom at the

glitter box. that is the end of this abhorrent movie and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that no one is going to recommend this so what I will say instead is Steve Sadek we'll start with you. Final thoughts. Yeah, I mean, I'll turn my key on not recommending this as well.

No, I just, I mean, it's really soulless and kind of joyless. I mean, like, and it's a fine idea like Antonio Benderas playing a cat if it's a cute little, like why can't it just be like a fun little heist thing where he's just like kind of scampish

and whatever like the egg ruined it for me because that thing is so disgusting I just kept looking at I'm sorry I'm just seething on the egg

no no no Chris Kavan yeah it's fucking disgusting don't watch it excellent Ben Worcester we'll move right along that's it that's all I got everybody

it's fucking gross I mean I think it's safe to say that we hate this movie indeed Eric Cisco yeah I just

I don't know why it has to be so sexual yeah I know his accent is sexy but you know again the the audience you're going for it just seems weird I would recommend the movie Zoo over watching Puss and Boots I agree with that I've seen zoo

has a stronger moral center Oh, man. Well, that's going to do it for this episode on Puss and Boots. Ben Worcester. Thanks so much for coming and hanging out, my friend. Gentlemen, a pleasure. Thank you for having me back. I'm not thanking you for this movie experience. It was. We'll have you back on next season where we're talking about something that rides the line between like hate and love movies. Something fun. We'll get you on something fun. Yeah. I will say this was a absolute blast. A pleasant. pleasure to be together, too. Absolutely. The first time we've seen you since the fucking disaster of the world.

It's been a while. I think when we did Pirates, that was a remote. That was a remote. That was right. It's been quite a long time since we've seen you. And Ben, do you do a podcast, I believe, with somebody else in this room? Who is that? Is it Chris?

Yeah. It might be, is it. No, me? It is. We do the Worcester report. Oh, that's right. Hard hitting. news. We review the podcast that Ben is on.

That's our other podcast. Steve, you were right. It is, we, we hate T.J. Hooker. No, it is hooked on T.J. Hooker, as we all know, I think everyone's been on. Oh, we've all been on the show. I would, I would love it. We may even put it out here right now. Yes.

We are currently in between seasons. And what better way to kick off the fourth season of T.J. Hooker. That's right. And to have a full menagerie, a full... That's a good idea. Fire all the torpedoes at once. Oh, I like that.

In my mission, by the way, to join the Hooked on T.J. Hooker Five Timers Club. I think I've been on like maybe three times. Wow. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. You guys have had some good guess. You had Angelica Jade Bastien. Nathan Raven was on there. Great episodes. Yeah. Yeah. Now, if folks don't know what this is, there was a TV show in the

80s where William Shatner played a cop and it's not as popular as Star Trek. And I know that very well from looking at those download numbers. No one knows T.J. Hooker, but honestly, it's a fun show because of how insane it is. It's very copaganda. It's very right wing, but it's delivered from a Canadian Lithuanian perspective, which I think makes it very odd and rife. for comedy and yes we need to get everyone back on i mean my goodness if you want a lot of william shatner if you want more of eric ciska talking about fucking eggs golden there there's winged chill man chill combinations we're not exaggerating go through the metadata on the feed there's one that just says this is the one about the bean dinner yes that's right and it's like 40 minutes

on the bee dinner if you want more bean dinner content. Ooh, yeah, here we go. Check out hooked on T.J. Hooker. That's the cell. So that's going to do it for us. As always, there's always more Patreon content on patreon.com slash

we hate movies. Mad Max? Mad Max. Dude, the W.L.M. of August is Mad Max, the OG 1979. Fucking rocking and rolling, man. You will see a great bit that goes on in that

episode related to the moonwobble. Loving it. So that's happening this month. I want to mention to folks before they turn this off that October through November, if you live in the following cities, check our tour tab on WHMpodcast.com. That's right. We will be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Detroit, Michigan, Charlotte, North Carolina, Asheville, North Carolina, Nashville, Tennessee, and Brooklyn, New York this fall. So get on those tickets. They're going. They're going. They're going. They're going. They're to go without you they are on sale they're flying off the shelves folks are ready to get their

asses back out of the house we're excited to see folks it's been a long time since we've been on tour and if you're listening to this outside of 2021 well then then this doesn't apply to you then this probably doesn't ignore this that's right uh but as always here and we hate movies even though it's kind of like the summer break time content coming through on the main feed as always on tuesdays steve what's happening on the show next week well we have released uh new brand new content every week since April of last year. So the next couple weeks we are doing some

unlocks and some new stuff. If you've got the Big Daddy Dispatch, if you're a patron, you know what's coming. But what's coming up next week is we are unlocking the Rath of Khan episode, a full episode. This is from the Nexus. From the Nexus on the Patreon.

Previously patrons only, a full length, I think it's two and a half hours or some crazy number on Star Trek to the Rath of Star Trek 2, the Rath of Khan, super fun episode. You'll enjoy it. There it is. And I think as far as I'm knowing right now, because we haven't done yet, we will be recording

all new intros. Yes. So there will be new content as well. And also the last week of the month, I'll just say it right here. Nice. We'll be the finale of the VHS trailer game on the Beyond Thunderdome episode. Congratulations, Chris.

We don't know yet. We do not know yet. I think we might know. I mean, we have not recorded that yet, but I've got a sneaking suspicion. Well, you have to listen in a couple weeks to find out, but until next week, when we unlock Star Trek 2, The Wrath of Khan, I'm Andrew Jupin, Stephen Sadat, Eric Siska, Chris Gavin, Ben Worcester, take it easy. That was a hit gum podcast.