We Hate Movies - S11: Episode 562 - Witchboard ("Live" from the 2020 Salem Horror Fest)

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

On this week's summer break episode, it's our show from the 2020 (virtual) Salem Horror Fest where we chat extensively about the wild horror flick, Witchboard! Is this guy Brandon that much of a drag at every party he attends—and is he bringing his ouija board with him everywhere he goes? Was beloved psychic medium Zarabeth paid in vials of coke? And is this guy really best friends with the ghost of a long-dead 10 year-old boy? PLUS: A Walter Matthau voice works for doing impressions of ghosts from ages 8 to 80! Witchboard stars Todd Allen, Tawny Kitaen, Stephen Nichols, Kathleen Wilhoite, Burke Byrnes, James W. Quinn, and Rose Marie; directed by Kevin Tenney. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm going to be able to I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. We're going to be able to be. We're going to be. I'm going to be.

We're going to be. We're going to be. I'm going to be I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to I'm going You know.

You know, Chris, last night you fucking promised me was going to be the last time you spilled strawberry daquery all over the bed spread in this motelie. hell room we're sharing. And now the whole place stinks. Chris, we're trying to share a bed all four of us and you're spilling the DAC on it. It's a DAC attack on this bed. Look, you want me to do the DAC attack. You just forgot it because it took too much acid like I told you to stop and quit. I want my acid, but I want the DAC attack in my mouth, not on the bed. Guys, it's a sensual thing. It has to be all over you. I'm almost reconsidering this all of us sleeping in one bed. I'm almost, I am this close to reconsidering it.

You know what? It's been pretty. great this last week, just taking it off, getting out of the studio and whatnot. But just, I think next time we need to budget for two rooms, the funk in this motel room. Attack attack! No, stop it! I thought we liked funk. Also,

no more Ouija boards. Last night got a little trippy, a little spooky, scary. Oh, just because the ghost didn't like you. Yeah, I got a ghost blowjob, did you? No, but speaking of Ouija boards, of course,

Steve Saneck in a brilliant segue, brings it up because you're about to listen to our episode on Witchboard. That's right. We did this for the Salem Horror Festival, which is a great festival that happens up in Salem. We did it virtually due to the pandemic. That's right. And now we're delivering it to you. You know, if you haven't gotten to see it, now you can. And you can actually see it, by the way.

YouTube.com slash we hate movies. We'll be putting up the full recorded set. You might notice maybe some visual gags. on this and the animation damnation coming up on patreon patreon.com slash we eight movies where we're talking about the cryptkeeper cartoon yeah tales from the cryptkeeper that's right yeah there's also a video for that which will be unlisted for patrons only can i um uh stop a thousand tweets here when we recorded this last year uh the late great tony katan was still with us we don't make mention to it on the episode obviously because we had no idea that she was going to tragically

pass away uh but you know the thing about it is like eric said we had to do this virtually of course due to the pandemic but the rad thing is we're keeping our fingers crossed to get fucking vaccinated folks my goodness gracious we will be out on the road this fall Steve Sadek in October where we kicking things off in just two short

months we're going to be in at hilarities in Cleveland Ohio doing a nightmare on Elm Street 3 the Dream Warriors on October the 13th I think I said that twice but that's cool just remember that's right I'll be dancing on John Saxon's grave the fictional grave in the movie not his real one

And then 24 hours later on October the 14th We'll be at the Pittsburgh Improv doing Taken. Oh, yes, yes indeed. Going to Pittsburgh. I'm going to fight Bain. And if you have any racist fantasy, just don't tell anybody about him. On October the 16th.

I go around city streets looking for Baines. No, no, don't. On October the 16th, just two days after that, we will be in Detroit, Michigan. I'm so excited to go to Detroit, never been there. Just do you talk about Robocop 3, Eric Siska's favorite movie. That's right.

one has it all folks you got the samurai robot cop that's right oof you got uh you got a new guy playing robocom that's right that's right robert john burke fellow purchased college alum that's right law and order staple and then we're to take a month off drink a lot of pediolite that to get back on the road uh to go to the comedy zone on on november the 18th in charlotte north carolina to talk about under siege the og killer fuck yeah do i need do i look like i need a psychotic an evaluation. Dude, and also in that movie, do not forget Tommy Lee Jones

playing the electric guitar. Oh, yeah, he's doing a lot in that movie. Rock and roll terrorist. And then the next day, on November the 19th, at the Orange Peel in Asheville, North Carolina talking about the junior. You know, it'd be funny

if I was artificially inseminated. Donnie, what did you mean? The condom came off. Oh, Jesus. On November the 21st. you'll be in Nashville. The great city of Nashville. I'm super stoked for this one, too. Not I'm excited for all of them,

but really Detroit in Nashville. Oh, no. I personally, I love you, Cleveland. Where else are we up here? Pittsburgh, Charlotte. No, November the 21st. You're going to be at Zadies in Nashville, Tennessee. There it is.

Talking about footloose where John Lithgow finally outlaws dancing, which I've been trying to do for years. Yep, because I'm no good at it. So no one should do it. Absolutely not. And it's sex, by the way. Everybody knows dancing is sex.

Dancing e-sex. Wow. I guess I'm a virgin. We're going to come back. We're going to have Thanksgiving together. It'll be beautiful. But then after that, in early December, December the 9th, we're going back to one of our favorite venues in the world,

the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York, to celebrate our 10-year anniversary show one year later. Oh, yeah, dude. No, details TBD on that fucker. We're still in the kitchen on that. But I will say, Brooklyn and Detroit. The tickets are surprisingly flying,

so you want to get on that if you want to be at the show. Exactly. It's not the world's biggest venue. So you're going to get left out in the cold and it's going to be New York in December. It's going to be cold. Coming from the cold.

We got all these, there's like these VIP options and whatnot, and that's like, you know, meeting us in some capacity. I'll tell you what, if you want that to happen, if you want to qualify for that, you better get your ass vaccinated.

That's all I got to say. It's a roof going. Yeah. Get stuck. But that's it for us. We're going to try to clean up. this dackery mask here, see if we can keep the fucking top on the blender next time. Please enjoy this episode of Witchboard Live from the virtual Salem Horror Festival.

Dak, and tap. We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, it's Halloween. I guess everyone's entitled to one good scare. Sometimes. That is better. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door.

They're coming in. It is time to keep your appointment with the command. They're coming to get you, Barbara. I'm sick for Foxy. He's seen one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos.

More creative! What's the fucking looser? What an excellent day for an exorcism. What is Ob, Salem, Massachusetts in all points beyond on the internet? I am Andrew Jupin. I'm Eric Sisko. I'm Stephen Sadeg, coming from the crypt with you. That's a black cat, right?

That's sort of something. Yeah. That's a thing. I think that was worth it. Yeah, I'm Chris Cabin. I'm unsettled. And we are, we hate movies from New York City. Thanks for coming out to this virtual presentation of the Salem Horror Fest.

We wish we could have been there. IRL, as the kids say. But fuck you, COVID. Fuck you right in the devil ass, man. I think that went seamlessly. I think that went really well. Oh, the cat bit? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, that's one for the ages. I think it's fantastic. Charles Chaplin, George Burns, Elaine May, Steve Sadegh's black cat bit. Yeah, above Buster Keaton, I would say. For sure. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, definitely for sure.

Maybe if he was Buster Catin, we'd be talking. That would be something. Like a human cat hybrid? Oh, God, there we go. That's cat people, dude. That's a different horror movie. We've done that one. We have done that one.

The Paul Schrader. Yes. Not the O.G. So, well, we are here to do an episode for y'all. So thank you for picking up your passes and hanging out with us this spooktacular evening year. The film in question is Witchboard from 1986

directed by some guy named Kevin Tenney. He's directed a lot of movies with the word witch in the title. And which one is this? Oh man. No, no. We can't. We can't. We can't. We'll be here. We will be here all night if that's going to happen.

Okay. All right. It's Witchboard. But which Witchboard is it? It's the first witch board. It's the first way. So we're on the first witch board right now. Yeah. This is now, now. Do you think that there was like confusion on the set? It was like Tenney and like Tawny turned around and Tenney turned around.

Maybe. Tennie. Tony. I can see that. Tony. No, I think Kevin Tenney likes people on set to refer to him as Big Daddy K. Oh, got it. Yeah, I think I read that on the internet somewhere.

Yeah, this is a movie that I think is fun as hell. Let's get that out of the way. Sure. It is right in the, uh, the, the, sweet spot of the 80s. Like, it's firmly, like, sometimes you get a movie from the early 80s, and it's secretly a 70s movie. Sometimes certainly, you want to get a late 80s movie.

It's secretly a 90s movie. This is like a 1980s movie. Absolutely. Down to the hair, down to the Slabs versus Snob's mentality of the opening scene, which I wish we could have had a little bit more of the Slabs versus Snobbs in this movie. And, I mean, just the focus of the we-ha as. something that like is central to right like life

for what at some point right is this sort of satanic panicky yes I think that's what I was think yeah because yeah that oh you go correct well so it's a guy named Brandon and he's got a Ouija board and he's obsessed with it and he uses it

like daily he's like so obsessed that I feel and they don't really get into this but like didn't you get the vibe that it's something to do also with his academia oh you think he's trying to That's how he's getting good grades. No, I think he's supposed to... David, what's the answer on the test, David?

David? You don't really know what the deal is with these people, but I think this guy, Brandon, who's the guy, the actor who looks like Julian Assange, he, I think is either supposed to be like some sort of forever graduate student or like a college professor or something. Well, he's the son of the famous Sinclair Vineyards, a wine magnate,

his son. That's true. So maybe, I mean, he can flounder and just be a, like, but I do think the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, weha stuff is going to be his new thing for now. That seems to be what he's transitioning. So, like his career? Yeah, that being, is like a, a spiritual guide of some sort. I think he's a lost student, right? Because he's talking about, like, oh, in class, you know, or is he Tani Katan's professor? Is that what's going on? See, that's what I'm trying to ask, because so much of this movie is him being like, well, hey, Linda, you haven't been to class all week. And I'm like, well, what fucking business is it of yours?

Because he's smelling her hair while she's doing the exam. That's what's happening. Dude, there is so much of this movie where he's trying to move in on her right in front of this other guy cocking his brains out. Well, the first shot, you think she's his girlfriend. Because he's got his arm around her and he's like, well, Jim, you're a real piece of shit. And it's like, okay, cool. Because it's immediately. And it also kind of starts like Sean in the.

dead a little bit, like where you don't know what's even happening. Like, you're right in, your, mid-conversation kind of a thing. And it's a, it's a conversation you don't want to be in. Like, I don't want to be at this party. I bet into these kind of parties. And dude, get me the hell out. Please send

me to hell with a Ouija board. If anybody starts talking about the existence of God in my, like, general area, I'm leaving. Like, I'll find a window if I don't need those cute debates at a college party. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I was interesting. Because I wrote down

some of the dialogue and it's stuff like, how can you not believe in God? And God was, he's like always been there and he's like, well, the universe has always been there. That's what I believe. I'm a man of science. By the way, here's my ghost board. Exactly. Like, I don't believe in God, but I do believe that Parker brothers have cracked the fucking seventh seal. Yes. That I do believe. I love, yeah.

So he's like, it's it, but also like the only way that I'm going to be at that party is past that is you know what I mean like it's this guy is not drinking he's totally stone sober and he's like going at it with this nerd with his arm around somebody else's girlfriend about the existence of God I mean he has this is

rehearsed it's got like a like a seducer's handbook vibe to it it was written in the screenplay and they rehearsed it before they put the cameras on that's also true Eric but he has this dude has

found himself in this exact same conversation many times. It's just his back pocket convoy about like if I start talking about this stuff, somewhere, some lady is going to fucking give it up because I am so cool, so smart, and so sexy. It's funny that you should ask about this cardboard thing on my it's so funny that you should ask about this is a Ouija board. Yes. It would be insane to do that with anything. Could you imagine someone guy bringing over like a janga tower

and he's like, no, it's Yonga. So the Yonga Tower was first invented at the turn of the century. It's pronounced Uthello, actually. It's Uthello. Uh, uh, you flip. Uthello. Those are hungry

hippos, actually. It's hungry, hungry hippos. It's Bottle ship. I believe the game is Bottleship. Monopoly. I don't know.

But also coming into a party with a board game. It's just like, where are you able to lay down madjango? Unless it's previously discussed, I'm in my mid to late 30s. I'm hip to a board game party, baby. But like, it's got to be the focus of the evening. It's actually pronounced. It's pronounced Twaster. Careful with that one.

We should say, even though this, you're in your own home, this is a blue show. By the way, oh, by the way, who out there's familiar with our show on the internet? Yeah, I have to say We've been on the road For a lot of years now And yeah, there's like a groove that we have With the live show There's a little bit of a tradition

A little bit of ceremony behind it This is me drinking out of a wine bottle Directly While I am not wearing pants So that is, you know Thank God it's on the internet man I hope this is 18 plus Showing some knee

Anybody see So the movie starts Black title cards Very 80s which I love Yeah Anyone see who did the score, which the theme to this movie. Oh, oh, yes. I think if you played it and really listened to it, it's the Halloween theme backwards.

You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, da, da, da, but it's up. I cheered in my apartment. This is the third time I've seen this movie. And I guess the other two times I didn't pay attention as much. But, like, you know, when we prepare for the show, I'm sitting here, like, putting notes on my iPad and whatnot. And I just wrote down, holy shit, theme performed by Steel Brewing. Yes.

That fucking rules. They died in a fucking van fire for sure. There's no two ends about it. It's just the guy who was doing the rest of the, you know what I mean? Like the score and shit. He's like, because I think the theme that they mean here is that's, is it not the song at the end? That's like, there's a little creepy. You're creeping with the witches.

Oh, okay. Using boards and shit. That's awesome. I don't think those are the lyrics verbatim, but there is some sort of song, like a real rocking, kind of like at the end of Friday the 13th, part six. There you go, Steve. Wait, wait, wait. Steve is trying to contact the spirits right now on our live to tape show.

Are you enjoying this spirits? Yes. Is there someone watching this right now? Wait, is somebody watching this right now named David? David? David? Okay, now, depending on where Steve goes, we will have an answer from the spirit. The spirit is controlling Steve.

Please stop doing this I'm hearing something I'm hearing something Oh child This please stop this Please stop damn it Child you're going between the realms Right now I see you down there

With your Zoom background Oh your zoom background child Makes your arms glitch in and out Oh child take a look behind you Your background's changing Oh no it's changing towards the titular witch board Jack

you want a better medium in this movie I mean she's fun and fine it's you're talking about you're talking about Zarebeth Zerabhustra

She is terrible It's the It's uh What's her face from Roadhouse Catherine Wilhoit I believe Her name is Yeah yeah yeah yeah It's one of those things

We're like There's just a little too much In this character Yeah It comes comic relief really Comic relief, sure, and, like, the costume and her hair is, like, whatever. But then, like, she's got this insane, like, Valley. It's not Valley Girl.

It's, like, Valley Dude. Like, it's a... She talks like Bill and Ted, basically, you know? She also... Yeah, it just sticks out amongst everything else. It's like you're eating a hamburger and all of a sudden there's, like, cake frosting in the middle of it. Yes, dude, that's a great way to put it. Because it's in the middle of the movie and she's not in it for too much and you're just like, oh.

That cake frosting came and went, but it was a different taste for this movie. We're rolling out to some diners, drive-ins, and dives. We're going to a place that serves a mighty fine burger stuff with cake frosting. Cup burgers. We're going to cup burgers in Kentucky. Cup burgers. Gross. So the whole thing is like there's these two dudes.

There's our, they're not, none of these people that are heroes. But Brandon, the guy we've been talking about. and then Linda, which is his ex-girlfriend, and then also Jim, who is Brandon's former best friend and now her current boyfriend, Linda's current boyfriend. It's a little bit of love triangle here. And I have to ask the question, if Linda and Jim are hosting this party, why invite your ex-boyfriend? Excellent question. And who's also like a raving dick, not just like kind of like sometimes. you know, that can happen, you know, ex-boyfriends are cool and just like, ah, it's fine.

Maybe there's a slight flirtation here and there. This guy is like, a, arm around her the entire time. And, like, talking down to the other guy, like, there's something like, oh, blah, blah, blah. I think there's something where Jim says something about intelligent life. He's like, yeah, I don't see it in front of me right now. And he's like, what the fuck? It's like, what the fuck? Just like, very, like, casually saying you're just like your father.

I'm just like, really, man? The thing about that, though, is like, the screenplay does a bad job at establishing what everyone's relationship is to one another until way later in the movie. So in this scene, you're just sitting there like, why is everyone being such a dick to everybody else in this conversation? And then way later, it's like, oh, yeah, we used to be best friends and there was a falling out over this woman. And you're like, well, what? You got to have that up front. Yes, you really do. And we're also, like, being introduced to a gym's other friends, Lloyd and fucking Mike,

who seem like really cool people. So why can't I hang out with them? Why don't I got to pee with this fucking Brandon Sinclair? Well, also, like, that's the move. He got to get up. He's like, well, I guess I'll go have a drink. And he's like, like, just like your father. And he, like, does the thing where he, like, stops in the hallway.

Like, hmm. and they're like it's these two characters Lloyd and Mike Mike doesn't get a lot to do Lloyd dies which is cool and they're trying to figure out how he does this cool Jack Daniels trick

which is like knock the spin the cap off really quickly I don't know how he does it which I love so much oh yeah and the funny thing is these two buddies they are like straight out of the fucking pool filter

at Action Park you know what I mean like they are just 80s be mulleted like probably late teens, early 20s dudes, you know? Totally scummy.

Like a couple of dewees between them. Definitely a couple of dewees. Definitely a couple of citations for pissing in a pool, you know, that kind of stuff. But like this other dude, Brandon, is so reprehensible and so of the like country club cloth kind of a thing that I'm like, I just want to

hang out with these scumbags in the kitchen. Well, yeah. I mean, the quote unquote scumbags are dudes that work in construction jobs and Brandon's just playing his goddamn board games driving around in a fancy car. The scumb bags are like splitting a little meth, making some top

ramen on the fucking, you know, stealing it, of course. It's not their own top ramen. Yeah, he gets from a gas station, man. I love the, yeah, he comes in the kitchen and then like we're just, we have our, which is always the best thing. If you could find yourself like in a separate party

at the party, you're in a better spot. You know what I mean? Like, the party's going on there sucks. Yeah, the sub party. the sub-parties were always way more interesting than the main event. So, yeah, and he's just chugging from the bottle, and Tani Gattan's like, I'm sorry, Brandon, such a jerk.

And he's just, like, totally wasted at this point. And he's like, I guess I'll be nice to him. Anyone else notice there's some off-season egg-nog going on at this party? No. Or I don't know. Like, it's just they're drinking large, tall glasses of, like, something very yellow.

Huh. Off-season eggnog, yes. said. No, it's just spoiled milk. This is this is the classic way to eat corn chowder, don't you know? Oh, God. Sip it from a highball glass. Oh.

No, but that's kind of one of my things, man. Like, I don't know. Are you... 365 in it? You can't 365 in it, but that's my thing. I kind of would. I would have eggnog in July if they sold it at the store.

I love eggnog. I love. I love it. It's probably a lot of contributing to my weight problem. You must be really excited in. I mean, it's coming up. Oh, yeah. I know. I can't wait.

They should make eggnog for Halloween, like put red coloring in it or something. Absolutely. Get some pumpkin nod going. Oh, I've had pumpkin nog. It exists. It's such a thing? What is it? Is it just pumpkin pulp and a glass?

Yeah, a couple seeds flowing. I think they just like spice it up a little. It's like more nutmeg than usual kind of a thing. This is a different kind of sugar than the other sugar, you see. So, like, we kind of, like, cut in and, like, Jim is just full on drink at this bottle of Jack Daniels. And we're just talking about the existence of God still. He's like, well, oh, do you guys, you want to use my widget board real quick? I just, I brought it for every, I brought, I brought, I brought the widget board.

I'm glad that you're positioning it this way, Steve, because I don't remember how exactly it, because it's something about like, well, you. Because Jim, through Jack Chugs, is like, oh, well, you don't believe in God, but you believe in spirits. What's up with that shit? And I think that's when he's like, say, my little buddy, the Ouija board here. Well, my favorite thing is he's like, well, you see, it works better when it's a man and a woman and they're pure. And also physically touching, dude, he is fucking running a game on these people. Oh, no, actually, we have to put, for this to work properly, the board has to be wrestling our genitals.

Yeah, actually, the people who do this have to take their underwear off. And also, ghosts are scared of pants. Also, they have to show their feet. Sorry, Linda, David demands that I finger you right now. David, it's the spirit. It's the only way to keep the connection strong, Linda. I have to dittle you. right now. Holding hands, that's from the movies. I have to finger you.

It keeps pointing to yes, and I swear I'm not moving. To make a pure connection with David, what we have to do is reverse cowgirl in front of all these people here. The spirits love it when you pay homage to them by reverse cowgirling in the middle of a living room. have a weed just sexual rodeo. And Jim, if you would cry while I'm doing it, that would just be beautiful. I'm sure David would love that. Yeah, David says you have to watch.

David demands a clothed male, nude female talking video be made. Before we have sex, I need a 10-year-old boy spirit to watch. That's the thing, too, man. Like, I don't know, man. It's just a little creepy that he's just like, David is, my friend. He's 10 years old and he's been dead for 30 years. It's like, does he say friend. No, he does say this. I think he calls him a friend at some point. They've been talking for a while and it's just like an old person getting a chain email about like ghosts and shit and just

replying sincerely. And for some reason, the dude who's sending out these fake emails starts responding. And they build a friendship. David asked me to call this phone number and fucking reveal my social security number. I mean, it seems more like the, the, uh, the, uh, David is a Dennis the Menace and he's Walter Mathau. Oh, got it. Is the relationship? Is it like every once a while

he's trying to give a lesson, but you know, it doesn't stick. That's a property. Did you crack my window? That's a property that needs ghosts. And I think Walter Mathau obviously is a ghost now.

Yes, I'm David, the 10 year old ghost. You see the thing is I died in 1947 and yes, your voice gets older but your spirit continues to be young. Didn't Christopher Lloyd play

the ghost of poverty in that movie? He's a crazy homeless man in that movie. Oh, man, yeah. And Leah Thompson's the mom, but they don't have any scenes together. Huh. So they, um, yeah, so he's just like like, well, I guess me and Linda

because I'm sober. I haven't been drinking and Linda never drinks. And it's just like, it's just so happened. God damn it. He's like, oh, gather around everyone else at the party because I have to make another couple personal announcements you don't care to hear. I don't smoke. And I haven't been drinking much lately.

I am the best person in this room. I mean, again, like, and Jim is just sitting there, like, taking it because it's all shots at Jim and he's literally drinking Jack Daniels. At one point, like, you don't have to hit the dude, but like, you know what? You flat-faced, fuck, get the hell out of my house. You know what I mean?

Take your flat head and get out of here. The whole board thing, it's just, just to get with the girl. It's so plainly obvious. Because he says something also, like we made the jokes about, you know, genital manipulation, but he does say something about like,

it helps also if we're touching. Like touching knees or something, maybe. At that point, I just, my knob needs to be on you. It's nothing sexual, Linda, David wants it. It helps if the two people

who are doing the connection have seen each other naked before. It's very, it helps everything. But the second this dude says that shit, Jim needs to take this board off his lap and throw it out the front door into the yard. Sure, sure. You want this Ouija board?

Go get it. We have to post for some Polaroids for David. It's for Dave. All right. You want to play some board games? We're going to do Pictionary now. Exactly. You know, I think it's Pictionary, actually.

Oh, Pichonari. We should say that Brandon, who's the dick, it's just like, um, he's like, oh, are you going to use your Ouija board? And he's like, um, it's pronounced Ouija. It's the French we and the German yaw. Can you fucking believe this guy? Can you fucking just believe he doesn't know how to say? Fucking the yes, it's unbelievable.

Also, what, I hope you got out prostate cancer like your dad did. By the way, great chips at this party. Like, he's just like, you get the fuck out of my house. you aggressive asshole any round the horn just because thoughts on Ouija boards any stories about Ouija boards

Go ahead Steve you got a big one I bet No I don't I've always been I was raised Catholic so I'm terrified of Ouija boards Even though I'm like

Sort of a soft atheist right now I just You put me in front of a Ouija board I'm like it's the devil It's gonna get me Yeah well I can tell you I'm not gonna be able to tell the whole thing It's been a long time since I've heard it.

And I wanted to text her and see if I get the story before today, and I forgot. But one time my mother found out that, like, we had been playing one, like, at a neighbor's house or something like that. And, like, it just was, like, casually mentioned in conversation. And she fucking lost it. And we were like, who cares? Like, it's just, it literally says, like, Parker Brothers on the side of it. Like, what does it matter? and she proceeded to tell us this story

it took place in like the 70s it was like her, her boyfriend and then like another friend of theirs or something they went over to the house and the friend was like oh she was like let's do Ouija board and they did it since this was in the 70s

fortunate son was playing on the radio trying to paint the picture My mom's story started with a flashback of us bombing Vietnam Lieutenant Dan said, wash your fucking feet. But it was a thing where she was trying to say to us like, and the movie kind of echoes similar rules

where like if everybody who's participating in the Ouija round or whatever is not like a believer or not taking it seriously and is like cracking jokes and whatever, it weakens the whatever and allows for, for evil whatever to come through. So my mom told us this story about, like, they were doing it. Her boyfriend was, like, being shitty about it. And then it was like, all right, we're not going to, you know,

I'm not going to do this anymore. And they, like, my mom walked into her friend's room or something. And the woman was, like, convulsing and all this stuff was going on. And then, like, my mom says that when she went to run out to, uh, like, yelled to her boyfriend to get help, she blacked out. And, like, when she woke up, it was the next morning, and they were all, they had, like, slept on the couch and, like, it could have just been a night of crazy 1970s partying that went out of control.

But I'm telling you right now that, like, the conviction with which she told this story to me and my younger sister, I fucking shit in my pants. Yeah. My only Ouija board story is a friend of mine was snorting, crushed up, riddlin off one. Oh, of course, yeah. And I was trying to give them light, and I accidentally set their hair on fire. That is disrespectful to the Ouija board, and that is why you have been haunted ever since. That's true.

Even though totally rational, that story scares me, Andrew. I'm like, I don't know, it's kind of creepy. And you know what's funny, Steve? I remember years ago in college, I told the story to you guys, and I remembered way more of the details to it then. And I remembered being like, and that's the story. And like everybody was terrified. And I know I didn't do as well of a job here.

But it made me shit scared. I read something about, I never played Ouija, unfortunately. Maybe we should do that one day on our YouTube chat. There we do it. Without me, my friend. the three-man podcast. Right, yeah, because you're Catholic, it's going to hurt more or something.

But I read a rumor. I think this was on the internet. I remember back in like live journal era of the internet? I read some rumors about at SUNY purchase where we went to college that in one of the buildings, I don't know, the new or the old that people had been using it. And obviously, oh, it's a little dead boy again. Yeah, it's always a little dead boy.

And I'm sure it was. completely fake, but there was just like this whole like some girl had maybe drop out or something and they did it in the tunnels under the school. Oh, really? Everything heightens it, you know? Yes, exactly. On a night.

Just like tonight. It's funny how it's always children though. I mean, because I also remember a separate story not as terrifying was one time my mom told me that she was using a board with her sister and they were like in college college age or something. And they contacted a spirit of a young boy

who had drowned in the pond behind her school. Now, her apartment complex. Man, pound, pound, pound people. Pond, crazy. Pond people. But unlike this movie, I don't think they went to the library and researched whether or not a child

had died in that pond. You got to do that, man. So he's like, all right, I'm going to just, you know, We're just touching news. We're just being a little sexy together. Touching knees. Do you mind if I call my 10-year-old little friend in on this situation?

Oh, it's me. Hello, Mrs. Torres. It's making a figure eight. That's David's secret symbol. Oh, does he say that? He does. He does, yes. Man, listen, fucking Brandon, I got a car to sell you, dude.

There's fucking magic beans in the glove box. Well, he says something. Oh, you go. Brandon, this is David. She can't hear me right. Get closer to her. David wants you to get closer to her. Please tell her that you need to be super close.

I'm sorry, this is what David's telling me to do. And David's the ghost, so he's the boss. Yeah, yeah. And then the devil is behind David going, David, tell him. He's trying to say something. It goes to M, M, M, M, M. You know, horny, huh? Yeah, I'm only 10 years old, but being in hell makes your voice like this.

She's got a great pair of Hooters this one does. It's me, David. I'm a 10-year-old boy looking at Hoot. Well, they have that impressions make everything funny. They really do. So the board goes flying from between their legs. And you hear his car tire explode at the same time. Hang on a second.

There is a thing that is happening in here. So they're asking questions. And this woman, Linda, goes, will you return to the world of the living one day? Like, come on, Linda. Don't ask a ghost that. She says that. And then she's like, can you choose who your parents are if that's the case? That happens a bit later.

What cartoon are you watching? What are you talking about? Do you know Jesus? Do you talk to Jesus? Spirit, what is your name? J-E-S-U-S? Oh, my God. Hey, Zeus is trying to communicate to us.

His spirit won't be at rest until everyone's Christian. That's right. But, yeah, so they say that, like, David starts getting agitated. It's also because Jim starts making some flippant remarks around here. Yes. board goes flying and then yes there's a big like gunshot sound and it's this brandon dude his sports cars got a tire blown out and um he comes he goes out and he's like you know what david would never do this stuff you jim thanks for nothing jim he's like but you were the one using the board or

whatever yeah he helped me responsible for your bad behavior you just ruined my relationship with my best friend a 10 year old ghost a 10 year old ghost that's acting like a middle management guy that's like, well, no, I'm sorry, you were in charge of the board. That was your prerogative. You know, that's Jim's working under you in this fucking corporate hierarchy. He was the only one I could talk to about the

original pop-eye cartoons, okay? He loved him. David, David, did Wimpy like hamburgers? Pointed to, yes, this fucking thing's legit. So there's a big, like, you know, confrontation out in the driveway you know

and it's sort of like kills the party which is totally fine parties over guys there's a weird like they have a quick conversation it's Jim and Linda in the bedroom and you know

they're having like kind of an argument that ends and he tricks her into having sex here basically well we should get into Jim here he is a cypherous creep and I don't understand that like it kind of gets resolved with the movie but it's like

you don't feel anything for anybody do you Jim he's like No, I do not. And neither, no, Brandon and him don't really, neither actor really has like any like chemistry with her really. No, no, no. No actor in this movie is chemistry with anything.

That's why you're in fucking witchboard. But I feel like that's because fucking O.J. Simpson's coming to set and making sure that nobody is fucking like being like flirtatious with her. Now see, here's the class. classic Chris Cabins saying things without giving the backup information. The female lead of this movie, Tawny Catan, at the time of production, dating O.J. Simpson. I swore this was common knowledge. Yeah, of course. No, nobody gives a fuck about this. What are he crazy? I don't know.

But that's a great question you bring up, though, Chris. Did O.J. Simpson visit the set of Witchboard? He had to at least go to the premiere. Oh, man. Okay. All right. Yeah, I'll do it as a joke. Okay. All right. So, David, am I going to have a long and healthy career as an actor? No, what? Are me and Nicole going to be together forever? I'm still going to be famous, though, right?

Yes. Keeps encircling back to yes, a bunch of times. Well, you know, I mean, would now, okay, OJ Simpson using a Ouija board. Yeah. Would he be punished for making people into ghosts or does that give him an advantage? advantage. It depends on who he's connecting with. If it's David maybe he'd be punished, but if it's

Malfaedor, Malfaeder's all into it, dude. Oh, he's just like, hell yeah, dude. Nice. Yeah, I like your work. A couple of good kills there, O.J. Hey, Orenthal, would you like to be in the evil spirit once you cross over? Absolutely. I mean, I just imagine him

on set, like, up to director, he's like, they don't have to touch that much. You know, I know, I know that they're both fucking half fucked her. But they don't have to touch. They don't have to, like, look at each other in the eyes, you know. Oh, he was, like, very, he's very protective. Oh, I guess that was the whole murder thing.

Okay. That was part of his. It's coming back to me now. Yeah, I remember all the rage. So, yeah, he's like, oh, you know, like, it's nothing, blah, blah, blah. And she's, like, really kind of freaked out about it. And he does kind of, like, she's, like, really mad. He's like, you're not mad.

Come on, babe. And she's like, you're not that mad, are you? Like, he's talking to a dog right here, man. I was like, God damn it. Tony Catan, don't fall for this. Greatest, we cut to the next day. Jim is, he's gone to work. He's at a construction site building a house.

And Linda is back home. And Brandon leaves one of the best answering machine messages I've ever heard in my life. He just says, hey, Linda, it's Brandon. You know, I left my wee jaw at your house. And you would think that this dude, right, like, would be so protective of that dumb board that would make sure he's not leaving the house without it. But he's doing the George Costanza trick where he just, you leave something

behind. He's like, oh, Linda, why don't you bring my Ouija board to class on Friday? First of all, I'd be like, absolutely, I'm not walking into class with a Ouija board. It's fucking, we're graduate law students. I'm not like, hi, everybody. I brought the Ouija board. Hey, we're having fun last weekend.

Linda, Linda, I left my ghost at your house. Bring it in. My ghost friend. Linda, this is, or, uh, Brandon, this is Linda. Yep. Yeah, no, I got your message. No, I will not take that in public. Yeah, exactly. Like, can you imagine walking down the street, someone saw you carrying a Ouija board? That's embarrassing. No, no, no. But I need my Ouija board before I go to Labitha.

That actually brings up a memory for me. I saw Ouija board recently on the sidewalk. Someone was giving it away. And I'm like, that thing is definitely. Here's the thing. That's the thing. Do they, whether or not it actually happened, Those people that threw that out believe that they had some horrible experience with it. It was probably bye-bye men in their house and everything. The candy man's in there. O.J. Simpson. A gaggle of bye-bye man is what we're saying. Yeah, the bye-bye man.

They just kept saying the name over and over. Backstreet boys. That was in sync, right? In sync. Yeah. The bye-bye man. But he even says like, oh, yeah, could you bring it on Friday? Because I'm going to use this weekend.

I got some people coming over having an. other Ouija. You know that cool Ouija party? I tried to have at your house. It didn't work out. I'm better at mine. And it's also, it's all a big open invitation. Like, you want to stop by with the Ouija board and see what happens. We'll talk to David again. Linda forgot to mention the Ouija party

on Friday. It's a Ouija slash pool party. So you better bring that bikini, Linda. You remember Rachel, that friend of yours, always kind of like me. Yeah, she's going to be coming by. And I might, you know, I might connect with David with her. I might like put my knee.

and, like, I might make her have sex with me so we can talk to David again. In that case, okay, dude, because that's someone who's not in a relationship, maybe. Maybe, yes. So she winds up using the Ouija board now. She's like, oh, speaking at no one's looking. And I think at some point, it's very important right here.

She quickly, she's looking at her, it's also in the answering machine thing. So there's the Brandon message. And then there's a thing from the doctor's office that's like, oh, hey, Linda, the test results came we'd like to discuss them with you. If you could call us any time before 1230 today, that would be great.

And she looks at the clock and it's like 10 of 1 or something. But you're like, oh, okay, like test results, young lady, we just had a sex scene before. There's probably a pregnancy thing going on. And then this series of questions to David kind of solidifies that assumption. Why wait a day and trust a medical professional? Why don't ask a 10-year-old ghost? Just ask a ghost, dude.

pregnant. She's like, am I pregnant? I think he says yes. And she's like, would you like to be our son, David? Because she's like, yeah, like, is it true? You can pick your own parents. And it says, yes. And then it's like, would you like to be our son?

And he's like, no. It's like, what the fuck, David? Are they're your friends? The thing just spells out, that's weird. This is making me uncomfortable. Spirit or not, could you imagine talking to like a 10 year old person? And then I guess it would then be

reborn as a bit. It's just such a weird. Yeah, it's like Hey, David, would you like your spirit to go into the zygote that's in me right now? What do you think about that? David. I want you inside me right now, David. That's Tony Kattan, by the way. There she is.

She's a bit harried by the witchboard there. That's the witch board's hand? I think so. I mean, it's your classic VHS cover that has no relation to the movie whatsoever. See all. also the poster and like entire

subtitle of which board two Oh God Which board two colon the devil's doorway There's no fucking mention of the devil in that movie Come on You can't be calling it

The devil's doorway And then she's like Yeah but so why why wouldn't you want to join our family And he's just like J I am We haven't known each other long enough for you to ask me that

yeah so what did they come to the construction site because she's like oh I guess you hate Jim from the other night it's like yes like would you like something bad to happen did she even ask like do you want something bad to happen him or something? He's like yes we cut to the construction site

and it's him by the way is using and him and his whole crew there they're just like oh yeah where's my hammer and they're just all using axes it's like that's a hammer I'd never seen this like hammer axe combo thing? Every hammer I've ever owned just has the

like nail loosener on the other side. I mean it's a lot cooler if it's got the axe though though. I'm sure this is just some fancy schmancy construction dude thing, you know? I would walk up to them with a hammer and be like what do you call this? Oh, that's a thump

thump thump. That's what we call that the thump thump thumps. You know, we got a lot of thump thumpthumpes around here. so that's a hammer but then how do you get the nails out then like that's the point of the other end of the hammer you just chop off the whatever you're nailing completely you cut it out no no and then you fill in the hole again you put down your hammer and you get your thump thump and that's what you take the nail out with that's how you do it every time unless you have a ball of peen thumb thumb then you know you can't really do much other than what a hammer would do Uh, so yeah, he's, uh, he's hanging out with his buddy, uh, Lloyd here.

Is it, is it Lloyd? Yeah. This, this dude more so than the other guy looks like a guy that I saw in video footage in that action park documentary. Yes. Which is why I said that, because I just watched that movie on HBO Max and it's fucking an incredible documentary. Class Action Park is the name of the movie. All those people are watching Witchport. Oh, you want to go to my house, watch Witchport tomorrow.

What are we go to Action Park afterwards? Yeah, we'll watch Witchboards and then we'll go to Action Park afterwards. Park, I'll break my fucking leg in a water slide. Oh, yeah, yeah, I had money in, which board. Yep, oh, yep. Probably, yeah, absolutely. Hey, which board, are I going to break my legs

at Action Park tomorrow? Oh, yep, that's yes. Oh, which board? Am I going to have a fucking nail tail through my thigh at Action Park? Yeah, probably. I'm going to write a movie based on my experiences at Action Park.

Call it Witchboard because a 10-year-old died. David, did you die at Action Parks? Yep, you did. Steve, you said that in watching that movie, it helped you recall which ride you almost personally died on on action part? Oh, yeah, I totally almost died on action part. I think it's a little cannonball.

It's been a couple days since I've seen it. It's like the cannonball shot. It looks like a regular water slide, which is like a tube. And the idea of a water slide is it delivers you into the water. But this water slide did not. It stops halfway,

and then you're like 10 feet in the air, and then you drop kind of a thing. And that you can't tell when you get on the thing It's just like oh water it's like going to the water And you kind of just drop out And I was not a strong swimmer at all So I was sucking up some water after that And I had to get removed by a lifeguard

So I almost died I almost died at Action Park I have to watch the witch points Honestly in watching that movie dude It's amazing that a lifeguard saved you It's amazing that you were alive Is that the one that also just dumped you in like a creek like it wasn't a pool it was a pool at least

it was a pool okay oh no actually it's been a long it looked like mostly creeks in the documentary that's yes yeah yeah yeah I mean the water was ice cold that's also part of it's like the shock of the water look what you do is you swim around the corpses

okay look we don't got a corpse removal on staff we're actually taking if you know anybody we'd love to have them don't worry when they're dead they can choose their parents Look, they signed the form. What do you want to hear from me? They signed it.

They could be a corpse. So Jim is like talking to Lloyd, you know, they're on break at the construction site. And Lloyd's like, man, that Ouija board guy last night was a real douchebag. And he proceeds to give like some detail here about like they were buds at one point growing up. And like, you know, Jim kind of had a bad home life. so he basically like grew up at Brandon's with Brandon's parents, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then we learned the great detail that Jim went to medical school and during that time was when Brandon was dating Linda. And then they broke up before Jim got back. And when Jim came back from med school, they just met him and Linda separately had no idea that they dated,

but it caused the huge rift. And this whole time Lloyd's just like, bro, you went to med school. He gives him a piano. and man, what are you doing here? Sing us a song, you're the Ouija man. And so, like, while they're talking, or whatever.

Paul, are you a real estate novelist? Yes, you are. What is that? Paul, are you making love to a tonic and gin? She's probably not taking out like that in the middle of the bar. But it's, they, so. Jim's like, all right, man, enough Jim's backstory here, Lloyd. Time to

get back to work. And this dude's like, nah, man, I think I'm going to take a nap on this construction site before I get back to work. And he goes, employment does nothing to me. And like this dude does not get the sentence out. All of this shit just collapses. And we see like

a little ghost moving an axe and like a rope gets cut and all of this shit falls on this dude and just crushes him instantly. It's a great death. It is a good death. It is a good death. Do we see a ghost? No, but you see like his

hammer axe thing is like up on a platform and you just see it like kind of But it's like a stack of sheet rock It's great. This dude just gets like crushed His whole thing just covered into that blood there. They're also doing a thing So to identify on top of the shaky axe

But to identify that there's like A presence around There's a lot of ghost cam in this movie so we're like, oh, a lot of aerial ghost cam stuff. So, yeah, this dude is crushed immediately. And meanwhile, Linda is just back home, just obsessed with this Ouija board, like now just using it to help her find things around the house.

It's a find a key. She got a find a key app in the 1980s. She's like, I'm missing my ring. Where is it? Oh, the drain? That's exactly where, obviously, where it would have to be. Okay, cool. And like, she gets it.

And then Jim comes in and she screams. and she starts cursing. He's like, whoa, why are you cursing at me, right? It's just such a weird, like, babe, your language. Is she the one that says, I don't need to hear that shit right now? She just screams fuck at one point. And I'm like, yeah, if, you know, it was darn and heck all before this. Yeah, that bite strike my imagination.

Jim actually says he doesn't need this shit right now when he's like, oh, right. Oh, right. Oh, I found my ring. You know, David told me, David who? Like, completely acting like the Ouija board thing never happened. It's also entirely possible that he got so wasted on Jack Daniels that night before. He doesn't remember that the ghost's name was David.

Hey, Roy, are you around? Roy, the ghosts. Roy, what are you waiting for? I think the ghosts are pretty narcissistic. They want to know that they want you to know that they're doing this shit. So maybe if you drink enough completely forget the night, black it out. Yeah. just walking around. Now, David doesn't have the power as much.

That's always been my theory in horror movies in a haunted house. If you've got, like, what if I just got blackout wrong? Like, what happens that? Like, you know what I mean? Like, do your worst to be, ghost. I am fucking black. I won't remember this. And, you know, like, I'm an easy target, so you probably didn't want to do anything. Well, that's a great call, Steve, because, you know, all of, you know, there's so many, like, uh, funny joke stories or whatever, like, you know, to get this million dollars, you have to stay overnight in a haunted house. And I'd be like,

Yes, definitely. And then I would just get so drunk that I'm about to pass out. And right at the moment of passing out, you just fucking spark a ball, dude, to really just hammer home that you were going to fall asleep right now. And then you wake up the next, like, what's a ghost going to do to a past out person? You can't scare someone who's asleep.

But you can possess them. Pretty easy. I guess it depends on the apparition, Chris Cabin. That's a good call. He gets in there and he's like, why am I so fucked up? Oh, this sucks. Shit.

I thought he was just asleep, but he is heavily medicated. The ghost tries to get it if he falls on the floor like shit. Holy God, his cholesterol. Oh, God. How could someone be this out of shape? And he's trying to get out of your body and your body's like, no, no, no, pulling him back in. Oh, my, you wake up the next morning.

Oh, my God, the ghost made me piss my pants. You don't understand, ghost. You're locked up in here with me. Yeah, I've blamed that on a ghost before, Steve. so he tells her that you know bad news Lloyd is dead good news half day

you know so not that you know there's like dude he that's hysterical that you positioned it that way because he fucking buries the lead

so hard in course she's like what are you doing home he's like I live here he goes he goes the foreman closed

the site for the day there was an accident Jesus Christ Lloyd is dead you know that guy that was here last night my best friend yeah but you don't start the death notice with I got a half day I think with one of the like this is a great movie it's fun it's dumb

but they should try to talk to some of the dead people with the Wii Chi board right you're totally right yeah contact Lloyd be like what happened man he'd be like I don't know man my last memory is about action park so I mean the media who comes into play soon enough, you would think she would have enough power

potentially in the afterlife. There was fun. I mean, if I was Jim, I would like be pretending like I'm totally into this and like, oh yeah, I hear David too. Oh, I hear everybody else. Oh, it's your grandfather. He says we don't have to get married,

you know, that we can express our love in different ways. We don't have to settle down. This is a great point, Chris, because his only move here, because she becomes obsessed with the Ouija board. He has to out Ouija her. He has to be like, I'm the Ouija guy now. He's got all the merch.

Right. And she's just buying so many of them and contact with all types of people. If she's thrusting, you better be Perry and buddy. What if she's using a Ouija board on one part of the couch? You're using a Ouija board. Like you get your own. No, you use your Ouija board. I got mine right here.

I think that's tough, man. I think it's like when, you know, we're working from home. And it's like when your partner is also using the fucking Wi-Fi for a Zoom conference. I think you know, two wege is in the same apartment. I don't know. Trouble. I look at two bars. I only got two bars on my Ouija board.

So we cut to Lloyd's funeral and it's sad and this detective character shows up. This dude does not need to be in this movie. He really doesn't. This dude sucks. It's just like I get what he's doing because he's like, oh, hey, Dave. Hey, Jim. Weird how Lloyd died.

Do you like magic, Jim? He's like, well, I don't know. Fuck, what the fuck you do? He's like, oh, man, I would. They got Sigmund and Roy out of Vegas. The best magicians you ever see. It's like, is that a long, is that supposed to be a joke? I think so.

Or are you not allowed to say Sigm Friede and Roy? Like, did they have that copy written? Maybe. They probably do. Yeah. Anyway. It's like this long way to say, like, oh, by the way, I think something's funky about your friend's death. But like, dude, just get to it.

Yeah. He's talking about, like, all this, it's all this magic stuff. And it's like a way to make him like, he's thinking it's like, oh, I'm like this cool, funny detective who's going to fucking slam him with this accusation. He refers to himself as a raucontour, I feel. I feel like he takes that label onto himself. Only other people can call you a raconteontore. You cannot call yourself a raconteuf.

Tell him. You don't got to tell me. I know you've never referred to yourself as a raconteur. Hell no. I got the ego for that. we live in Fairfield I'm the Fairfield I'm like the

the traffic cop the homicide guy and the bomb squad guy and the bomb squad guy and it's like you can diffuse the bombs like never had to yet it's like all right

I just I don't know what this character is but he needs to get away from me just think about like if that character was completely excised from this movie what would change absolutely nothing

if that's the case he's got to die in act one like he's gonna be one of the first people to die yeah horrific the body cat in this movie is is pretty meager honestly like right after this when he's leaving the

cemetery he's driving away and suddenly little ghostly hands like ghost hands start moving the fucking wheel and great example I can give you the most excellent George C. Scott movie The Changeling in that haunted house movie when the cop comes

the door and it's like being threatening and everything and then he like drives away being like I'm going to get you George C. Scott the ghost fucking kill that dude immediately flips the car over. It's awesome. That's what you need to do. Get it like the end of drag me to hell where like the actual like come

and bring it down. That would be what I need. Pretty badass actually. Yeah. So like they're like oh so now like we're planting the thing like Jim is suspected of murdering this dude because his fucking axe hammer

thing is missing. And I'm like I do not need a forensic investigator. in the middle of this Ouija board movie. So Brandon calls up again and he's like, hey, it was Friday yesterday. Didn't get my fucking Ouija board in class. Weja. Weja.

Weja. It's so funny because she's just like, yeah, I was at Lloyd's funeral. That's why I went to in class. Oh, man. She totally makes him feel bad about that. That's great. I couldn't participate in singles Ouija,

which I go to every Thursday night. Because she's like, and he's like, oh, Lloyd's Funeral, how'd that go? And she's like, oh, it's, you know, it's a funeral. He's like, I bet Jim didn't cry. And she's like, well, no, he didn't. He's like, yeah, because he's got fucking ice in his veins. He doesn't feel anything for anybody. And I'm like, whoa.

It's insane how he keeps trying to hammer home that he believes Jim is like a sociopath or something. But Jim is because later on, like, I think it's at night, like, you know, they're just like cuddling and canoodling. And she kind of lets let's it go that she's probably pregnant. And he's like, oh, wow, yeah, you're not, like, crazy and possessed. You're just, you're just kind of pregnant. You're becoming a mom, babe. And she's like, oh, Jim, I love you. And he goes, I know.

But that is a great moment because he's just like, oh, my God, all the signs that point to a little ghost harassing us is the same exact thing as being pregnant. My mother told me the exact same thing happened to her when she was carrying me. Linda, she was seeing ghosts. She found a fucking ring and a sink drain. My dad's friend died into the mysterious circumstances. All of it happened when she became a mother. When people see ghosts, they get morning sickness.

That happens. Vice versa, too. So Linda has this fucking crazy dream where she's like walking, you know, into an empty, it's their house, but it's all empty. And she walks up the stairs and there's like a coffin in the middle of the room

with the Ouija board just sitting on top of it. Kind of great. And then, like, she looks over the coffin and, like, arms come up and strangle her and she wakes up. All of the most scary stuff in this movie happens in these, these, like, 10-second dream sequences. A funny, a fun thing to do if you're ever watching this movie is whenever they're doing these very slow, spooky, like, slow,

like, push-ins on the Ouija board. Like, imagine it being any other board game. Imagine that being pop-a-matic trouble. Imagine that being life. I'm sorry, Lefei. Or guess who possibly? Yeah, even that. You would just be a haunted guess who.

You would just be scream laughing at it. That would be great, dude. Some of the little characters in the guess who cards are actually haunted paintings. They're just little. Jim, you're too stupid to understand guess who. Okay, first off, I need your girlfriend. She needs to be on top of me. that's just how

Guess who works Look before I ask If anyone is wearing a hat Our knees have to be touching That's how you play Guess who Okay It's about the connection

Now Is anybody Is he bald Is the person bald No okay Touch my balls Um Facial hair

They got facial hair Oh my mustache Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit shit. Yeah, so like that's kind of what's going on. She decides to break up with David.

This is hilarious. She's like, she's like, you know what, David? This isn't working out. I'm, you know, I'm getting creeped out here. I'm going to give you back. I'm going to give the board back to Brandon that's going to be out of my house. But wait, but, but wait, what minute. Can you give me the, uh, the forecast for the

next three days? Break it down hourly if possible. There's some poltergeist shit around here too, right? Like he starts fucking up the apartment a little bit. Well, it's a really ridiculous, like, he throws a bunch of ketchup on the floor and then drops a knife right into it. Nice. And she's like, wow, I get that message.

Wow, David, you're so creative. You're going to be a little filmmaker. So we'll move it along a little bit here. But so Brandon comes to the construction site again another day. And he's like, hey, Jim, here's the deal. Man, I got to tell you what's going on. I'm pretty sure. Linda, who we both love

and hopefully by the end of this 98 minutes, I will have won her heart. She's definitely addicted to this Ouija board and she's been let me ask you this. Is she swearing a lot? Is she acting crazy? Is there like erratic behavior happening here? Yes, she's definitely addicted to this

Ouija board. You know, and he's just trying to sell him on this. And this dude is like... Ghost addiction. Dude, you're telling me, my lady friend is addicted to a ghost man. It sounds pretty dumb. I think it's called Progressive entrapment. Is that what he's saying?

That's correct. Progressive entrapment. So the idea is like the ghost, he's also arguing that this is not in fact David, but it's a spirit, an evil spirit lying, pretending to be David and is basically making her like more and more addicted to the Ouija board until like she will be totally controlled by this spirit.

The spirit will possess her. Progressive entrapment is the thing that they make up. It's easy to think about. Just to imagine the train spot. nodding boys, but they're doing Ouija board with mother. And they're stealing TVs to pay for

the weed new Ouija boards. And David is the baby on the ceiling. Yes, that's true. There it is. But what's funny is like, get out of that toilet. We eventually we get the differentiation that like there is a David and there is a evil spirit. And it's like this

thing like they're trying to call David at this party and this evil guy was like walking by the neighborhood or so he's floating by. It's like, hey, hey, He's not going to play that game. I'm just going to play it for them. Oh, yeah. They get catfished, basically.

Oh, yeah. I'm 10 years old. I'm scary. I'm really sexy, too. Yes, I am Mariah Carey. All right. We're just going to do a reverse ectoplasm search on Google. I'm Neve Shul, Neve Solman.

Oh, Neve Solman. There he is. No, sorry. Sorry, it's Neil Goolman. Apologies. Oh, Neil Goolman. Yes. And yeah, it's weird.

The picture she sent me was like this. So Brandon, Brandon finally kind of convinces him a little bit. He's like, look, let me just bring a medium by in the house. We'll exercise the spirit and get it out of the apartment, yada, yada. So we have, like any good ghost movie, you have a pretty cool excerpt, or not the exorcism, a seance scene. and so in comes this Zara Beth Kathleen Will Hoyt

What is what is her Deal in Roadhouse She's like Patrick Swayze's buddy I haven't seen it in a long time It's been a long I think it's a buddy I don't I don't I forget So she's just kind of like

Oh moose around She comes in She's like Yeah let's talk to some ghosts You would think if you were like If it was Linda or like Anybody who just wants to, like, convince Jim to do this.

Like, the first thing would be like, just make sure she doesn't look like she sings for x-ray specs. You know what? Make sure she maybe, you know? Brandon, can I talk to you for a quick second in the kitchen, dude? Yeah, okay. Remember when I told you I was down with this seance thing? Yeah, okay, cool.

Remember the one stipulation I had? What was that? Oh, yeah, yeah. She can't look like she sings in x-ray specs. Did you fucking see what's out there in my living room? Oh, great. Fantastic. Oh, fuck.

Oh, great. Oh, man. She's got so many bad jokes, too. Oh, they're terrible. Oh, the little psychic humor. Like, I mean, the idea, though, like, I guess the idea is like, oh, this is like a curveball in the screenplay, right? Like, you would expect her to be really reverent and very eerie and uki, but she's actually like this punky kind of lady. It's fine, but it's just like a lot too much.

And I think what makes it a bit too much are all of those dumb jokes, none of which I remember, because I put them right out of my brain because they're all like the worst kind of jokes. They're like just the dumb pun things and just saying insane shit. And then someone goes, what? And then you go, no, it's a joke. The only joke I have here is when she dies later. That's a funny moment. There is one very funny moment about that.

So they do this whole, the seance or whatever. And David supposedly goes inside of her and is like speaking to the, group you know because she's like yes brandon i know you like she's doing kind of like a little baby voice yes kind of funny and she's like oh yeah i was really upset at the party when you were making funny he's like david did you did you pop my tires david you pop my tires yes i was trying to get back you well you owe me 200 bucks david i want 200 launch i love too it's like i guess this is this is the evil ghost catfishing them so it's like an old man ghost being like, I'm a little boy.

Yeah, it's the old serial killer we've come to find out eventually. And like, you just imagine that like, it's David and him in like the same phone booth. And he's just like handing it back and forth between them. Let me, let me get. No, no, no. Oh, yeah, I'm so scary. Oh, yes, it's me. Little David.

I'm definitely a child. I love When she comes into the apartment They're like Well, I spent all day Getting into your exact specifications Which is Piling up a bunch of used soda cans

In a wall formation Just so when it becomes eerie They all fall over Yeah It's like, okay Yeah And be sure to tie a string Around the bottom row of those cans

And leave a bunch of extra parts Of that string slacked up on my chair Could you do that for me? You know what? that sub-macalister shit that's like you put some effort into this please Jesus Christ I think I'm hearing some ghosts stepping on

some Christmas ornaments in the other room Oh look at that a ghost just slipped on one of my ghost micro machines David David Do you give up or are you thirsty for more? David Try and catch me your horses

a paint can to the face on a ghost might be fun and be maybe like the invisible man Oh fuck dude That is the scariest moment of that movie You drop a tarantula through a ghost That starts screaming But yeah so there is like You know like every seance scene

It comes to a freak out moment And these cans fall down Steve I'm so glad that you caught that specifications line Because one of my notes is like did they seriously still not clean up after that party? There's just fucking beer cams everywhere, you know? Been there, man. Yeah, been there.

Beer cans all over the apartment. Boys, souls. Absolutely. This is the most egregious move Brandon has in the whole movie right here. It's like everybody's in like the aftermath. Wow, that was that was fucking crazy. And like Jim is like looking at the Ouija board. And Brandon in this moment is like,

and just starts rubbing her shoulders? Come on, man. That seance was tough, wasn't it, babe? I mean, Linda, my platonic friend. You know, it would have gone better if we were naked

and on top of each other. Just how the spirits respond to things. Stupid Zerebeth, didn't want to get naked. So she goes, TTFN, which Brandon has to stop

and be like, that means ta-ta for now, ladies and gentlemen, just enough for you. I fucking get it. Everybody knows those Tiggers sign off, man. I just remember one of Zarebeth's

jokes when Brandon is driving her home, he's like just talking to her about like, like, oh, is you see something in my, like there's something dangerous in my future? And she's like, yeah, if you miss my house. It's like that. It's like, you know what? Medium,

I am giving you a ride home. This was not part of the contract. You already got your $40. Dude, David, no, David, Brandon loses it at that joke. He's like, that, it's he's like really, they're like laughing and then like he makes the turn, they're still laughing. Like, no, Monsieur stop, that was a good one.

That was incredible. I am just, I'm going to have to call you later. And she's like, oh, you know, I have to do some research, man. I'll call you later with whatever. She, does the name Malfaedor mean anything to you? And he's like, no. Well, no, so that's the thing. He, you really have to wonder, like, what this guy's area of study is because she's like,

does Malfaeder mean? anything. Or I think Linda says that to Brandon at one point. He's like, why yes, it's Portuguese for, and I'm like, okay. So then he asks, you know, Zarabeth here, like, do you know what Malfader is? So she's going to do ghost research. Sure. You know, she does say like, oh, I've got some research to do. And I'm like, you're researching ghosts. I would be asking, can I get a spelling on that one? I feel like I'm going to easily misspell this. Yeah. Could you use it in a sentence, please? Is that an A-D-E-R at the end? It's not.

Okay, so it's an A-I-T-O-R. Okay, that's good to know. When she gives him, like, the joke about, like, don't miss my house or whatever, he's like, oh, which one is it? And she, the most she ever sounds like Michelangelo, the Ninja Turtle in this movie is right here where she goes, oh, it's up there on the Roy! And her, like, whole, like, jaw becomes unhinged to say it correctly. And she walks into the house and there is this hilarious, so obvious, ominous shot of this pointy sundial.

And I'm like, you're going to fucking fall on that. I'm like, that's a scalpel. That's a large scalpel that you've stuck in the middle of your yard. And she's doing her research. I'll sort of like punk rock or whatever. And you miss the scene where she goes, oh, actually, I forgot Brandon. There is the matter of my fee, man. And he gives her a vial of Coke.

She's like, thanks, dude. Yep, this will keep me up all night to do the research I need. Yeah, but she's like rock it out and it starts to get eerie in her apartment. Yeah, you get a little ghost cam here. She turns around, and this is a stupid thing. She turns around and she goes, you, there's no way she knows what this fucking thing is. Well, I mean, the thing is when a ghost comes into your house, you don't want to be rude, you know, you can't get the name. Oh, you.

Yeah, you. Oh, you're one of the more famous ghosts. Yeah, you're great. and instead she gets her fucking throat slit thrown out a window and falls belly first on this sundial

it's the best death on the movie it is but it's overkill like the throat slit on top of everything else they also try to make it like the Halloween closet scene

like she's like going behind several doors to find away and it bangs on it a bunch of times well you think the thing about the throat cutting though

is that's how smart this Malfader demon is because he's trying to set up Jim. It's so funny and stupid about that is like the police detective is like, oh yeah, the cuts on her throat looked eerily similar to the ones on the rope at the

construction site. Like, just because it was cut? How could you tell? Yeah, I don't know. Saw diagnostics. Malfader is just like leaving a bunch of flannel shirts around the crime scene. Construction belt. We saw some cans of beer and some dirty

underwear. We thought, hey, Jim's involved. There was a hard hat found at Zarabet's house, Jim. And no tears. Interesting, Jim. You know who wears us for not crying? You know who wears a hard hat, Jim? People with soft brains.

Like you, Jim. You're not too smart, are you? Is this your thump thump? So, the next morning, this is what, like, I think this is not the shower scene or this is the This is not the shower scene.

This is the shower scene. I do. I don't know. Let me see. I'm trying to find where we are in the movie here. Let's just do it in the shower, man. Because she's like, this is what she gets like hit into a coma, basically.

I think this is the shower scene because she gets out of bed. It's like a water bed situation, by the way. Yeah, dude. That's the easiest way to get pregnant. The thing is, so it's, okay, now I found where we are here. But like, so Brandon wakes up. It's on the news that Zarabeth has been murdered. So he goes again and he's just like, you know,

here's what I think's going on. You know, I can't figure out why, but we have to investigate like what's going on here because Linda is now going to be used as a portal for David to come back to life, so to speak. And, you know, and eventually he's going to possess her. There's a great line here where Jim goes, you're telling me there's a 10-year-old ghost

flying around Fairfield killing people? And I was like, yep, that's the movie, dude. I mean, technically ghosts do get to pick their parents if they possess someone, right? That sounds about right.

You could do your background research. You know, if I see Steve and I go visit his parents and then I'm like, I'll find another person. This is plenty. I'm good. I would do the same to my own body, too.

I'd be like, let's move on to the next one. So, yeah, so Brandon is like, he comes to this. the apartment, and this is what it is. Linda's asleep, and he's talking with Jim. He's like, look, I'm going to drive up to Big Bear. That's where David died, and I'm going to try to figure out, like, what's going on. Victim of Chris Dorner, maybe?

That was a guy who went on a maniac spree, and I think it ended in Big Bear. A few years back. So Jim is like, you know, all right, man, you go investigate your ghost death, but hey, good luck. Like, this is where they sort of, like, yeah, they're saying. partially mend the relationship and while that's all like he leaves Jim goes to pick up he's like angrily thrown a pack of cigarettes on the floor when he's arguing with Brandon while he goes to pick them up this is where David David locks her in the shower and turns the heat up and she can't get out so she's got to like break the fucking glass to like get out of the shower and like he throws her against a wall or something and so Jim comes back and like picks her up and it's like oh call the ambulance blah blah blah blah blah. So yes, for a large portion of this movie, she is laid up in a hospital that will allow Jim to then

join Brandon on this drive up to bear. You want to be sure when you write your female character out of the movie for a little while, you want to get full frontal nudity first. You want to get it done with? Get that right out of the way. It was actually I was pretty surprised by it because there was zero

until that point. Yeah. It's kind of like way too late in your movie for full frontal nudity. Yep. Yeah. Just putting it out there. Tickle it in early. Tickle it in early. Let me know what I'm watching here. Especially with your female protagonist.

Like it would be one thing if like, you know, whatever, the psychic went home and like took a steamy shower. You'd be like, oh, that's sort of on brand for a movie like this. But like to have your main character just get full frontal. It's just kind of bizarre. It's weird. Well, it's that. And then like the main fucking information you get from her being in the hospital is she's not pregnant. Well, she's useless now.

Let's keep her out of the movie. be right. We saw her tits and then she's not pregnant, so who cares? But I love that fact because she's like, I asked the ghost. I mean, I could have called the doctor back all week, but I asked the ghost that it said yes, so there it is.

Good enough for me, ghost. See you in nine months, dude. I was putting, I was putting pickles on peanut butter sandwiches. I just figure, got to be pregnant. Jim is like, oh, like, how's the baby? And the doctor is like, well, she didn't call me back all week. I would

told her she's definitely not pregnant, never was. Wait, but she pissed on a ghost and it went to the plus side on the Ouija board. The Ouija board turned pink. What the fuck? It is really funny to me.

Yeah, this is when and the fucking, the detective is back here. Just doing more magic tricks. Blah, blah, blah. And this is what he realizes, okay, I've got to go join. It's kind of amazing because Brandon is like, I'm going to Big Bear. I'm going to solve this thing.

hours pass. And then he drives up to Brandon's house. He's like, hey man, you didn't go to Big Bear yet, right? He's like, no, not yet. He's like, can I join you? I was going to do some laundry first, watch a movie. Yeah, some racquetball. You know, the playoffs are on. And I was just trying to take a minute or two. Oh, boy, it's been six hours. I just thought the ghost wouldn't want me to miss the second half. Oh, we can go now. It's fine. We can go now. It's totally fine. Def on my to do list for sure. I was thinking like today, tomorrow. No, all right, yeah, we can go. Right now, okay, you know, you know, my meat lovers is on the way. Because we may be 30 minutes and maybe another 15 for me to off it down. So they take this drive up. And it's kind of hilarious because he's like, you know,

Jim's like, well, how are we going to, you know, figure this out? And he's like, well, like any fucking suspenseful horror movie, we're going to go to the library and do a little research. And it's, you know, I always kind of appreciate these scenes. I really like when they do all the research in the ring, for example. Microfiche stuff. Microfiche. I'm always a sucker for microfiche, dude.

But I got to tell you, Jim finds this story so fast. Like, his chair isn't even warm yet. Oh, got it. Got it. 10-year-old kid died in a fucking crazy boating accident. I kind of want them to both to be like a little dumber. I want them to take a little longer. Like they look for like Dante's Inferno first or something.

Why did you turn your micro-fiche to the penny saver? They find out that there was a boating accident. A bunch of gasoline exploded and killed this kid. And they're like, oh, we got to get in touch with their parents. Oh, there's no parents listed. They find out that they're dead. And this is when they go to the graveyard in the middle of the night. And this is the biggest time suck of this movie.

Because Jim is like, I'm going to jump over the wall. Because Jim's whole thing is like, oh, well, maybe if we go to the graveyard, we can ask the manager if there's like a receipt for, you're a copy of the invoice that they had to mail David's parents. So they can find out where they live. So the graveyard is closed because it's fucking 2 o'clock in the morning or wherever. And even if they were open, they would be like, yeah, sure. Our records are all yours.

Don't worry about it. Ghost investigators, whatever you need, man. Oh, do you need to harass the bereaved? Oh, yeah, come on in. Oh, so the spare keys. It's in the flower pot. You just need to dig a little bit. I thought they were going to dig this kid up.

I thought that would have been cool. That would have been one way ago. Like parade around with his little burnt body. Oh, my God. A little fucking E.T. Burt body. Dancing in the moonlight. I wish they were dancing in the moonlight because my problem here is like the movie

totally stops dead. Jim is like, I'm going to jump over with his wall. And I'm going to just wander through a second. cemetery until I find this kid's grave sounds good and then Brandon is like well all right I guess I'll follow you and when he jumps over there's like five minutes where he's just walking through the graveyard like uh jam jam worse worse worse than that is that when it's revealed like whatever the big information was that's revealed I was like what oh it's that his parents are dead as well and they died in the same day so something it was a week ago or two weeks ago or whatever it

And I'm just like, okay. The fuck? Jim, Jim does startle Brandon in this scene, which is great because Brandon's, like, he's got the shit out of me. He freaks out. Yeah, it's good freak out. And I guess, like, they're trying to, like, drag out his graveyard search to really, like, put the audience in a state of, like, calm because it's boring as fuck. Well, but it's also.

And then, like, the scare is supposed to be bigger. It's bridging these two characters. They're mending their divide, you know. How are they mending the, the, the, the, divide by Brandon wandering through the cemetery for five minutes of this movie not doing anything. They're hanging out. They're having it boys night. Yeah, it's a hangout

film. They might have going back to the... Oh, wait, Cabin, to answer your question, though, what they're saying is, it's the kid died like years ago, and it's just within like the last week that both of the parents died on the same day. And what they're

insinuating there is that this malfader, David, also off to the parents to stop any kind of like information or something that's really weird I got none of that yeah it turns into a ghost conspiracy movie

but it'd be cool if like David just wanted his parents back you know you get to choose your parents David okay choose who we kill your benefactor Malfoyd or whatever what was the name? Melfred Malfader Melfader

Carlos Melfader Right then there's like this little reunion this is when they finally get together at the end not get together but they're in the hotel room and like he's like hey man you're right when you said it's amazing because like

in one of their scenes he's like I know why you dropped out of med school because you don't give a shit about anybody and you don't care and then he's like and then he's like you were right about me not caring about anybody and that's why I had to drop out of med school I'm like dude what the fuck is wrong with you yeah I just realized man it was like year three and my bedside

manner wasn't kicking in that Brandon, I think I am a sociopath. Yeah, I was a surgeon and I used their opened boons as a ashtray. I mean, the schools don't let these figures out, but I killed at least six people. Well, just doing little tests. So they kind of reconcile here and blah, blah, blah, blah. There's a hilarious thing where, like, Jim makes some joke about like, yeah, Linda was laughing at your dick. Oh no, it's like, why did she choose you over me? Brandon says to Jim.

He's like, well, I make her laugh. And then Brandon's like, well, I made her laugh too. He's like, yeah, only in bed, tiny dick. Yeah, that's what it was. Yeah, you fucking came in two seconds, stupid. We're best friends again, right? David is, David is my dick small? Oh, come on, David.

Yes, it's very tiny. It's the tiniest dick this 10-year-old ghost has ever seen. I just got to say, it's not even. the tiny. It's the crooked part that gets me. You ever see a cock at a fucking 45 degree angle? My goodness. You're bent

dick. No wonder you're being haunted. Okay. My dick is crooked. Yes. It took a bribe once. It went down to the third round. Yeah. My dick took a dive. All right. No, no. No, no. Don't make her come. All right. Well, the

third round, Steve. I mean, if there was ever acceptable time for a dick to go down it's true that dick got its you know got its money's worth that night so they wind up going to they wind up going to they're using a Ouija board on the docks

where David died and it's just kind of I guess like someone was like you know we can't just have another we have to have another we just have another one in a house or in a creepy whatever it's got to be during the day dude the middle of the afternoon we're doing this spooky seance At the docks.

They put it just on a regular like box or crate or whatever. It's like, oh, we don't need that on our knees. And it's just like, no, no, just with the ladies. I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, dude, that's what I thought the line was going to be. But he's like, no, it's like where David died.

So the signal, the Wi-Fi signal is super strong on these docks. He's got an answer for everything. Oh, you're right. You're right. Okay, I'm going to put my fingers up your asshole. And then we'll do this here. Okay. Yeah, you ready?

Four bars. Some guys. on another boat. Like, I got next. Like, what? You guys are playing, uh, you guys are playing backgammon, right? No, no, we're not. It's Bachgammon. But grabbing.

I got next on the grab ass. And next to that Ouija board. I want to talk to my dead wife. Love you, Pearl. She died in this lake on a night, just like tonight. I guess an afternoon, just like today. Middle of the afternoon. Beautiful day, isn't it?

like when my wife died. Great party on this dock, isn't it? You know, somebody, you know, I did, I did, I shot my wife. I was what who did it, but I am convinced somebody killed her after I shot her. And the sky was crystal blue,

just like 9-11. Oh, that's right. You got to remember. Every time. So they do the, the Ouija here, and like there's a big freak out. And I guess what happened here,

and this is the thing with Ouija, dude, It's like, you'd never know who you're talking to. And in this instance, they did not know that they were communicating with the ghost of Donkey Kong. Because all these barrels full of these guys. Oh, my God, like a strap breaks and all of these barrels fall on these dudes. It is a good moment leading up to that

because they're like, oh, hey, David, do you know where a male fader is or whatever? It's like, keep saying, here, her, what? And it's here. He's just like, I'm here And then a Donkey Kong country happens Well, the funny thing is they're like, Do you want to do this here on this part of the dock

Or right in front of that shack Or close up to the water, like, right in front of all these humongous barrels, that's what we want to do it. It looks like the dock that they're on Is a dock that's used as like a filling station for boats too. I think like there's gasoline in those barrels. That's the gas that burned up David. That's right.

It's the same gas that burned up Jason Vorty's too. It's funny that the barrels happen and then they are looking for a ladder to get out of the water. When it falls, it's kind of interesting. Then the springs come and they can't jump over them. It's a huge problem. Yeah, it's a problem.

Look out for the fireball. So they're in the water and then what, Brandon comes out and gets it's a little... Brandon, like, gets... Brandon gets knocked into the water and Jim sort of just falls on the dock and Brandon gets out like,

oh, wow, that's crazy. And that fucking crazy construction site axe like flies out of nowhere and hits him right in the goddamn face. That guy was hammered to death. And this is what he actually

again, his heart grew three sizes because he saw his Fred murdered and he starts crying and I guess this is like a moment of like oh he's growing. What is the deal here though with like because when Jim wakes up there's no body anywhere and he's kind of like calling out for him

and he's looking around in the water and shit like the an arm definitely like jumps up but like he's clearly dead so I don't know what's supposed to be happening there necessarily it's a fake out it's a freak out you're just trying to get any scares

in this movie at all you think it was Malfader like oh that's great like a weekend at Bernies Malfader's just like oh fuck I killed Brandon I need him alive a little longer to convince her to use the board again

so he's just like holding his body up in the air and there's He's a mouth like, Oh, oh. This is pretty cool. David is good. There's not a lot of great acting in this movie.

No. And especially here when this poor guy, this guy playing gym, gosh darn it, he's trying his best. But it's just like, oh God. Oh, God. Oh, God, my friend.

Oh, God. Like, it's the flattest you just found your friend with an axe wound in his face reaction. Because it's like, well, you know, we were becoming friends again, so that's sad. Right. Yeah, we just fixed everything. Hey, Linda, that's all mine now.

Yeah, definitely. That's what you get for making fun of my alcoholic dad, you piece of shit. Four times in this movie alone. Jim, we found your urine on the body. So don't try to get out of this one. It's assumed that he just leaves this dude in the water, I guess. Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Did you go back in, dude. Nothing anybody can do for you here.

Maybe a fish will eat him and I'll get off. And he walks away and he goes, wait a minute. Wait, hold on. Oh, that's right. My girlfriend's in a coma. I should probably call in and see how that's going. Girlfriend's in the coma. I know. I know it's Ouija. There is a thing in between. Between the two, though, it's important. That doc scene is cut up

when they're talking about like how much in danger they're going to be like from David or whatever and Brandon is like, no, it's cool, right? Like the signal is definitely like tamped down because Linda's still in a coma and it cuts to Linda wakes up. She checks herself out of the hospital

and immediately goes home, puts on a creepy nightgown and picks that Ouija board out of the fucking garbage can because that's the thing with this Ouija board in this movie is no matter how much you throw it out or you take it other places like a lake miles north it will always come back to this house is the deal. So she picks it out of the trash

to go back inside and fucking cyber with David's there's a cool dream sequence where her head gets cut off that's kind of fun. I think that's what wakes her up yeah. Yeah, that's what brings her out of it. You get to see Malfader himself. He's like this tall dude the dude from Fantasim a little bit. A little bit. Yeah, that's a good call. Kind of like similar old, slightly bald guy with long hair haircut.

Yeah, very tall. So then Jim, and this movie is rushing to the ending. Jim, like, goes to just a random witch shop. And she's like, oh, that's Malfeda. You don't want to run afoul of him. And it's like, all right, cool, got it. My favorite thing, the definition that she gives of Malfader is a somewhat notorious serial killer. Yes, he's a mass murderer who is shot dead in his.

own home. And the thing is it what you realize right here we joked about Malfader was like some ghost just walking down the sidewalk. The woman at the occult bookshop shows Jim the picture of the page that she's looking on and it's like yeah, he was shot dead

in his own home. Here's a picture of the home. It's the house that they live in. Malfader's house, dude. You fucking live in Carlos Malfader's house. Jonathan Davis would come if he heard that. See, he wasn't, you know, full notorious. He was just somewhat notorious around these parts.

He's like, on a scale of like one to ten, that Carlos Malfader, he's a fucking three on the serial. I mean, nine, come on, dude. And you're just in an axe? You're not that creative. Listen, it's such a low thing. The real estate agents don't even need to disclose it. It's just like, yeah, Carlos Malfedo died here. Whatever.

Solid C plus. am I going to tell you? In looking at some of my notes here, I realized this, because I thought we were a little early in the conversation. The full frontal nudity in this movie is a true third act full frontal nudity. That's right. Because she gets home right here and she takes a shower when she gets back from the hospital. And this is the whole like breaking the glass because she's locked and the water is really hot or whatever. That is the hottest type of nudity that I just got released from the fucking ER or whatever. 100%.

The just came out of coma full frontal nudity. Yeah. So she gets pretty much possessed here, right? This is where she gets possessed because Jim comes in right here and the apartment's all sorts of fucked up. I do love how, yeah, so she shows up

and like she's in a, what's a close approximation to what she has is Malfaider's outfit, which is like a man in a suit with this hat. And it's very like Michael Jackson backup dancery. it's not scary at all. I was going to say it reminded me of music videos or something.

Yes. Because her hair is too big. It's like quaffed up too. It looks very styled. The suit just is also ill-fitting. It's like she is dressing up in her dad who was the backstage dance. She was doing a homage to David Byrne. I mean, you're just waiting for her to be like one singular sensation.

I thought this was a fucking ghost. movie. I also love how Malfader is such a weird homophobe. He won't even wear a dress as a lady. He's just like, no, she's got to wear a suit. No. You're a fucking genderless ghost and still, Malfader. What do you mean you do not have a hat?

You must find a hat. He must go to the habituary. I need to have a hat if I'm going to kill people. It is, yeah. It's a bad Halloween costume. It's not scary. It should be. You know, something creepier would be cool. Even like a creepy wedding dress would work. You know what I mean? Like something like that.

Yeah, sure. Like maybe they're establishing it. Like, no, we're getting married. We're having a child. So she buys a dress and then and then she wears it and ruins it in this night of war. So then, like, Jim gets in a fight with him. Yes.

Who is possessing her. You know, so that's a lot of weird shit in this movie. The same thing happens in the second movie where it's like a woman is possessed, so it's okay for a man to punch her in the face. Kind of weird. She's choking him. the detective shows up. Yep.

And he's like, oh, remember me? And he doesn't even die, which is kind of a huge fuck you to this movie. It's the way that the screenplay justifies, like, her getting off and Jim getting off. Because there's a moment where, like, you, like, he gets, like,

hit on the head immediately. It just falls over. And there's, like, a moment, like, when she's giving the big parlor speech or something, where you, they cut to the lieutenant and he sort of, like, looks up.

So it's like, you realize that this guy's now a believer because he saw that happen so like at the very end of the movie when there's no legal charges brought on these two of them that it's like well the cops saw what happened he knows it's ghosts yeah it's just ghosts everybody

the ghost did it we can get off now so start going but it also brings a gun into the bedroom which is very important yeah because yeah he gets knocked out and like they fucking Jim shoots this Ouija board because the whole thing is like if you

the only way to get rid of me is like shoot her and if you shoot her you kill her and he's like you're a fucking sick freak you don't cry at funerals you'd love to shoot your girlfriend wouldn't you fuck and it's like doesn't Melfader just say like oh it's that you know I was lying the portal's actually in you so you have to kill yourself

or something yeah I don't get that bit at all I think it's just he's trying to get him to kill himself yeah and then like he's about to kill himself or pretending to and then it like cuts to black but oh shit he shot the Ouija board instead this Ouija board getting shot up in slow motions

one of the funniest things you'll ever see. This Ouija board, if it was a person, we would describe it as like, and then his heart exploded out of his chest. Because it's just like right in the middle of this Ouija board. It's a Ouija board platoon shot, man. It falls on its knees. I'll tell you, a cool effect would have been

you have a bunch of blood come out of that Ouija board. Yes, that'd be cool. You know, be very like evil dead in that way. It was sad because that Ouija board was just about to get its life back. together and boom, American History X ending for it. We're just trying to use a public urinal.

Come on. I learned so much. I have not thought about the ending of that movie a really long time. It's truly unfortunate. Yeah, the last night the Ouija board took down all those Nazi flags and he's like, you know what? It's time for the cycle of hate to end. Oh, no. The Ouija board's going to go to

auditoriums to schools and stuff. So we cut to like the dumb like a very last scene of the movie and it's... Well, first of all, we have a Hitchcockian Oh, yes, Jim falling out the window. It's kind of a badass effect, I think. I didn't see it coming because this movie has no good

effects or shots. It's appreciated, but it's very, very cheap. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it looks kind of cool. It is sort of out of nowhere. You write, none of this movie has that up until this point. But you're right. Yeah, Jim goes flying out the window. And then you're looking at the

angle and it looks like he will land on a car, but we're not paying to fucking smash a car. Not in which board's budget. So it cuts to a church and you're like, oh, is it like a funeral? But like it's such a because it's like people crying too, but

it's such a dumb fake out because there's like pretty like pink bows on the side of the pew and I'm like, well those are wedding decorations. You don't decorate a church for a fucking funeral. A beautiful funeral. A beautiful funeral. A gorgeous funeral. And they're getting married dude and this is embarrassing as hell because he's just getting married

with a neck brace on. He looks so stupid. Just take it off for the ceremony, man. You're going to have those shit in the pictures. Put it off. Just wait. Or delay the wedding a little bit. Please. Just a little bit. Anybody get a good look at the priest? He looks like Richard Dreyfuss in this scene.

No, but I was going to say anybody get a look at the dude. It's funny because Jim's parents, I think we're told, are dead in the movie. But whoever's like, there's a dude who's front row on the groom's side looks exactly like Bert Reynolds. Couldn't even I was like, Bert Reynolds in Witchboard? Burr Reynolds looking at the at the married couple.

So which one's a slut? It's a golden girl's reference. Everybody relax. Absolutely. And then so we cut back to the apartment and it's the landlordy, the landlady, I should say, almost said, landlordie, landlady, played by Rose Marie, by the way. Special appearance, as it's told in the credits. Well, of course, she's, you know, Sally on Dick Van Dyke.

so she's a television legend, but more importantly, she's a horror legend. She's the voice of Mrs. Bates. Oh, I forget that. Yeah, so you get her, so they're like sweeping up the aftermath that's like her and her daughter

or granddaughter or something like that. And it's like, oh, a Ouija board, blah, blah, blah. You know, oh, yeah. And the girl goes, I wonder if it still works. And you see the little, you know, mover or whatever. It just goes to yes.

Yeah, I thought that was a cool ending. This doesn't spoil anything at all. That's, literally how the second movie ends also. I wonder if it still works. Yes. I just want to see the Ouija board in the fucking landfill and a couple of rats

are pushing it around it and it's like going to yes and throw that Ouija board into trash. It ruined an acid trip for me back in the day. Well, you said that she's the voice of Mrs. Bates but this is like 6,000 cigarettes later man. She's like, what?

Absolutely. Now, we'll go around here really quick. Steve, you've brought up the witchboard art here, which I love. There's Malfader in the background. Oh, you want to get a good shot of Malfader? Very handsome. The man, the myth, the legend.

Melfader. Would any of you would any of you dudes recommend this movie, by the way? Start with you, Steve? This is my second time through. I had a lot of fun with it this time, too. It's a fun movie. It's kind of a movie you want to start at like 1130 at night.

Like, not exactly a midnight movie, but like right before you're like, if you're doing like a horror movie kind of back to backer, it's a good first one there when you're a little bit buzzed and then you go into like death spa for the crazy one. Absolutely. Yeah. Or you do what I did and just watch

one and two back to back last night. Does you have more kills or what's going on in two? It doesn't have more kills, but I will say Lorraine Newman's death in that movie is one of the funniest fucking things you've ever seen your life. Eric Siska, would you recommend this movie? Yes, I would. I thought

it was a lot of fun. This is also my second time through and it's just like it has that like 80s cheesness to it that it's like you can't replicate it outside the 80s so it's just so nice to see it here and I love finding because I haven't you know I think this year was the first time I've seen which board so it's so nice to discover those things yeah to this point where I'm like there's nothing left there's nothing left there boy try watch a new horror movie and that's not the answer I think witchboard is the answer. There you go. But it is kind of one of those interesting things where it's like, you know, you think like, well, I've gotten to like the bottom of everything and then it's

a witchboard. And now there's three of things? It's like these things happen after the fact. They just happened after the fact. Like a little ghost made this. The other two witchboard movies don't come around until the early 90s, though. The second one's in 93. Steve, I'm sorry, did I cut you off when I moved to Eric? Were you going to say something else? No, no. All right. Cabin? What do you think of this movie? Oh, yeah. Oh, big recommend. It's a lot of fun. It's really cheesy.

I appreciate that the villain of this essentially just a floating axe that they need to call a hammer for some reason. They do need to call to hammer. I don't quite get that, but whatever. And it's short. It moves along very quickly. I kind of go into a fugue state

when they go into the cemetery. I just don't remember what's going on there. Nothing goes on, so it's fine. No, that's because David did it, dude. Or Melfader did it to your head. That's why, like, 25 minutes just missing. But yeah, you should watch it.

It's fun. It's a total recommend for me. This is, like, the third time I've seen this movie. I think the first time I saw it was on, like, shutter or something. And it was just like, what the fuck? Is this movie? And then I watch it again, like, on Amazon. Now I've watched it the third time.

Would totally recommend. Now, as we always do for our live shows, which this technically is one, Salam War Fest. Thanks for coming out. You're still out there? You still with us? We don't know. We're recording this in early September. I mean, we've had better behaved crowds. We have had better

behavior. At least you couldn't spit on anyone today. Tip your waiters. That's a long finger you got there, dude. Well, thank you. Why don't you put a board on my knees? So, as

we always do here, to end out our live shows, I have found the greatest source for film criticism. As always, the IMDB user review section. We have one here. One out of ten stars. Oh, come on, guy. Somehow, surprisingly

bad movie says user docks at this dude. I thought, well, I always docks him. It's public record. I have to say this all the time. I thought the user I thought the username said Plow Town. But it doesn't. It says

like plow trow or something you know what that means plow town out there might actually like witchboard so I'm happy that's true IMDB user plow town do you like it Eric it's available you should get it I should I should start fucking reviewing movies

on IMDB like a psychopath you're on the way to making your username paltrow and just mess it up yep yep so this was written August the 25th 2008 before you consider what I have to say know that I came onto this IMDB entry and read the entire collection of reviews left by people who both loved and hated this movie, you fucking psychopath.

I could do better than that. After reading all the reviews, God damn, what time these people have. I was torn between whether to watch it and not watch it as some people gushed over this film while others said it was just awful. now this is what I love. You're trying to figure out whether or not you want to watch a movie and your thing is like, I will go to the IMDB user views and see what other fucking maniacs said. And it's not, it's not like Schindler's list. It's witchboard. It's a movie about a evil Ouija board. It's 98 minutes long. You've got it, dude. Just watch it or not. No, Ben Kingsley, I need these, the little hands for the Ouija port. I decided to go ahead and watch it.

watch it as I often find that reviewers don't always get it right on here and in and that I sometimes end up disagreeing with the consensus assessment of a film okay fucking stinks I disagree with my fellow critic poodle dog 182 ass eaters 718 I disagreed vehemently with his opinion on which board the I have db reviews are really the kind of do cinema of American film criticism in the modern age, I would say. If we're really going to be where it is, this is it. Well, every cultural institution is trash now, so that makes sense. Absolutely.

Well, this time, the people who hated the movie got it exactly right. Oh, wow. This is a seriously bad horror film. It is in no way scary, and the scenes that are supposed to be big scares fall completely flat. I've seen made-for-television movies that were scarier than this, and I usually can't stand TV movies. A fucking loser. I love that he says that, like, you know who this guy is.

Yeah, exactly. And you know me. You've been reading Plow Towns Movie Corner. You can see the setup for a scare coming from miles away. And when it happens, all you can do is shake your head and wonder at why the director's thought it was going to spook anyone. Did a ghost write this? This movie is offensive to the ghost community. Yeah, you call that a scare.

Hashtag not all ghosts. No. You got to remember that. It's very important. To make matters worse, the same setup and scare is used over and over again. So I was left shaking my head multiple times You know which word SMH dude Do yourself a favor

Stay far, far away from this one If you don't want to have to come back on here And read this colon I told you so Wow We've been we hate movies from New York City Salem Horror Fest Thanks a lot for having us

Parting shots here really quickly Steve I stepped on you again again, man. No, nothing at all. I mean, I just, the sad part is, like, once you leave that review, now somebody else is going to be like, I'm going to read all of these reviews and you just become part of the mass, you know what I mean? Escalation. That is exactly right. And so, by the way, gang, so on here, I don't know if it's part of the same thing or what, but search around, stick around, stay tuned. We also have an animation, damnation on a cartoon episode of Tales from the Cryptkeeper

that we put together for the Fest. So thanks a lot for coming out and hang. hanging out with this one, talking which board was a lot of fun, and hot damn, we wish we could have been there in person. But so until next time, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. Take it easy and stay spooky.

We all go a little mad sometimes. You know, Salewan. I guess everyone's a title one could scare. Sometimes. That is weather. Zombies have entered the building. They're at the door. They're coming in.

It's time to keep your appointment with the command. They're coming to get you, Barbara. He's sick of fucks using one too many movies. Now, Sid, don't you blame the movies? Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos for creators. What's the fucking motion in the bag? What an excellent day for an exorcism.

That was a hit gum podcast.