We Hate Movies - S11: Unlock the Vault: Episode 351 - Jungle 2 Jungle

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

Our (poorly booked and planned out) vacation continues and the Summer from Hell has us fighting in a Martha's Vineyard restaurant while we introduce this week's Unlock the Vault show, episode 351: Jungle 2 Jungle! How was Tim Allen's character not arrested on suspicion of sex tourism? How is this kid walking barefoot in Manhattan and not throwing up? And after 35 pages, you are not allowed to introduce the Russian mafia! PLUS: Ed Snowden clashes with his new roommates, Steven and Gérard! Jungle 2 Jungle stars Tim Allen, Martin Short, JoBeth Williams, Lolita Davidovich, Sam Huntington, and the late, great, David Ogden Stiers; directed by John Pasquin. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm going to be able to be able to be. I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to be. ...when ...you know ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Yeah, um, I, uh, just get more, uh, just more, um, Lobster for the table, um, oh, yes, please. And, uh, if you- Oh, Jesus Christ, could you cut this gentleman off from the dackeries, Chris, we're going to get kicked out again. We've been kicked out of every fucking restaurant on the island. Yeah, my friend's not in a good way, but, uh, we get some jungle to jungle for the table, though. I think the good listeners at home might want to...

My friend's allergic to Tim Allen, so don't give him... No Tim Allen on his plate, but Tim Allen on all of our plates. So that's three Tim Allen's and one no Tim Allen. And this is, so this is, of course, folks,

we were out here on vacation where Martha's Vineyard hanging out, getting kicked out of restaurants we shouldn't be in the first place. Sleeping in the same bed. Wanted to just quickly drop in to introduce this. episode. This is a Patreon unlock.

This is back, this is early on in the Patreon days where this was, we were still the full-length bonus episodes where we hate movies before we did the transition to monthly. We love a movie. So this is us talking about Tim Allen's jungle to jungle. Who's the kid in this movie?

Nobody. Just a big old nobody. A DSB we like to call it. Yes, the disgusting shit boys. Yeah. So this is a movie where Tim Allen finds out that he has a biological son who's been raised in like the jungles of South America is the idea. A remake of a French movie

which is always a good idea if it's one thing Hollywood is not understood it's that translating French comedies do American remakes not a great idea. See My Father the Hero. Especially when they involve children. We have very different ideas about parenthoods

and the age of consent. Somehow they all involve children and parents. All the remakes. Sure does. Well I see you feeling better Chris. Ah yes. Had one of my... Just a little water.

You're right now. Some wake up juice. So this movie goes jungle to jungle, but we're going to be going city to city. Nice. Coming in the fall, which I'm really excited about.

Indeed. We'll be going to Cleveland, Ohio, Stephen. Ohio, Ohio. Oh, meo, oh myo, Cleveland, Ohio. October 13th, we will be doing a nightmare on Elm Street

3, the Dream Warriors. Fuck yes. On October 14th, we will be at the Pittsburgh Improv, Old Homestead PA, talking about Taken. Oh, yes. A taken. I'm gonna, this is the city that you put fucking French fries on a bunch of shit, right?

We're gonna take your fries from your plate. I'm gonna put them on your sandwich. I'm gonna turn you into a garbage plate. Now, I think that's Rochester. Oh, Rochester is the garbage plate. Pittsburgh puts like French fries on top of things that they don't belong. What do you mean they don't belong?

Well, you don't normally see it, I guess. Listen, I love it and Pittsburgh. You put it on anything you want. Let me tell you, that's the other thing. We haven't said this on the other bumpers. We'll say it here. If you're coming to one of these shows and shit, we're not asking you to come with us,

but let us know cool places to eat. I'm not going to eat with you, but tell me some cool places. I might eat it depends on what we're working with. Well, if we're staying in the same fucking motel room this hotel tour like this dreaded vacation we're on, maybe I will go up dinner with a stranger. Well, speak of cool places, we will be in Detroit, Michigan.

Yeah, yeah. Fucking motor city, dude. Drive by, give fuck. fucking Ted Nugent the finger, that guy. At the comedy zone. I'm going to hit him with a car. They make great cars. Look, you want this to be a surprise or not?

He's going to know what's going on. Is the comedy zone where the bombed-out part of where Only Lovers Left Alive is? Or is that... That exactly. It's actually in that exact house. Oh, dude, I fucking wish. Play some cool guitars.

And we will be doing Under Siege, speaking of cool guitars, at Charlotte, North Carolina, Comedy Zone on November 18th. There it is. November 19th, we will be doing the Orange Peel in Asheville, North Carolina, talking about a movie called Junior. Yeah.

I'm going to have to have a Ceresian section. Donnie, why is that coming knee? It's stretching Donnie. That is going to be the show of the fucking season. And, you know, all tell that, you know, you know, you cool college kids hanging out? It's a college town, right? Oh, yeah.

And what? Donald, you said you were on the pill. What the fuck? That's right, man. He should get a say. He should get us say. Good. God. I don't know.

Anyway. That is awfully zany. And on November 21st at Zanies, God damn it. In Nashville, Tennessee, we'll be talking about loose, footloose with Mr. John Lithgow yelling at kids. That's right. Now, I thought footloose was referring to the end of Saul. Oh, nice. It's just going to be that joke for 75 minutes.

That's right. You're going to want to be there, trust me. And then finally, on December 9th at the Bell House in good old Brooklyn, New York, we will be doing the 10-year anniversary show one year later. That's right. We're still figuring that one out, still in the kitchen, baking up something. We'll see what's going on. But tickets are flying, so you're going to want to grab them if you can.

You'll have a good time no matter what we figure out. Exactly. That's exactly right. And speaking of having a good time, you're about to have a fire. and grand old time. Listen to this WHM Patrons Unlock, Rewind, jungle to jungle. And if you like that, by the way,

I'm just saying if you like what you're hearing on this little summer sojourn of ours, check out that Patreon. This is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. It is. Speaking of the tip, it's in the iceberg. You do want to join us next week when we do Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

because we will be doing the finale of the VHS trailer game. Oh, shit. That is right. So until next week, please enjoy this. Unlock Rewind of Jungle to Jungle. On this month's Patreon bonus select episode, oh my God, it's Jungle the Jungle.

Oh, Ew! I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. And we hate movies. Detective. Hello, everyone, welcome to We Hate Movies.

Thank you for tuning in as always. And thank you for supporting our Patreon at the $5.00 level or up. Yeah, man. And this is tying into an episode we're doing on Wild Hogs, which might come out before or after this. So you will get a double dose of Tim Allen. And those cheap fucks on the main feed will only get one Tim Allen. That's really not a selling point yet totally due to.

I don't know how you're making them feel like they're lucky right now. Just putting that out there. Try to put value into this thing. Yeah, see, now the regular people listening on that fuddy-duddy main feed. You just get one Tim Allen. Yeah. But you guys get Twin Allen. Oh, dude.

Two Tim Allen's making out. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Tool time, my friend. So like a thicker, sturdier wild hogs, Tim Allen. Yeah, like in that picture they got snapped by the paparazzo. You remember that? they're all like in a lake or something.

Just covered in leather. Get some young German artists. Go to the Berlin Wall. Paint that. Over the Putin Trump thing. Paint that. Banksy's back. A scrawny top of his powers,

jungle to jungle, Tim Allen? Totally. Yeah. Who would be the top? Who'd be the bottom? I don't know. You'll be surprised.

Either way, it comes with a hefty helping of and both of them constantly saying, I'm not doing this. This isn't happening. I'm not doing this. More power. But this.

This one in particular is the Disney film starring a cocaine salesman. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. He was a cocaine salesman that rolled on everybody. Oh, wait, so he's a cocaine rat? Yeah, yeah. Cocaine rat. Tim Dick. Tim Dick, by the way.

He is the world's most famous cocaine mule, Tim Allen. Yeah, no, without question. The most successful of all. Well, he got pinched. He did, but there's one dude that was like, I never got caught. They all think it's Tim Allen, but it was... No, it's Paul Giamani. By the way, I got three pounds of horse here.

I got to unload this shit. They're going to break my fucking legs, man. I'll never suspect old Paul. Ever since Kevin Smith made such a stink about the seat, I can sit wherever I want. Then I want the bad tweets. No, officer, I swear I'm a fart and baby pounder. We needed that money.

Holy shit, by the way, Jungle the Jungle was from 1997 directed by a dude named John Pasqueen. You know what? I'm going to go to McDonald's and put all this cocaine in a cup and drink it. John Pasquine. Oh, God, that's gross. John Pasquin, he has the most unfortunate piece of IMDB trivia I've ever seen.

Really? No. No, he's directing Roseanne episodes now. And he directed Roseanne episodes back in the 80s and 90s. And Last Man Standing and Home Improvement. Well, that's, dude, it links back to this sweet been a trivia man that just says frequently works with Tim Allen. Oh, ew. It's enough that someone made that part of your trivia. Also, directed six

episodes of Dan Aykroyd's soul man. Oh, dude, I probably watched all six of them. I was watching a lot of Soulman in the 90s. You don't know a thick dude on a motorcycle. Holy shit. Yeah, dude, fucking wild hogs. Wild suspension on that motorcycle. So for those who don't remember, this is the movie. My bike broke. Yeah.

Yeah, there was a lot of that. Well, because it was so dumb. He was a fucking motorcycle riding priest on that show. Gotcha. Yeah. He's a badass. Yeah, it was stupid. Stupid city.

Sorry, jungle to jungle. Correct. With a two in it, by the way. Not with a two. Yeah, because, you know, if you think about it, Manhattan is kind of a jungle as well. Yeah. I didn't get that until right now.

It's the concrete jungle where I'm, I've heard. Oh, the asphalt jungle. Dreams are made of. What? No. Concrete jungle. Well, there was a film called asphalt jungle, and it's, it was quite good.

It's pretty good, pretty good movie. You can blow it out your asphalt. I would love to. I wish I had that power. By the way. No, it's powder. It's baby powder. This is not Crippendorf's tribe.

No, big point of confusion. Big point of confusion because they are essentially the same pretty racist movie. This is Kippendorf Light. Krippendorf's tribe was Richard Dreyfus. He's a professor and he like goes to Africa to like find a tribe, doesn't find it because his wife dies or something. It's like an unknown tribe, right? Yeah. And then he passes it or something.

He films his family in like face paint and like loincloths and passes that off as the lost tribe. How do you ever think you're going to get away with something like that? That's outrageous. That's downright outrageous. Ninety-five said that was a good idea. Two things. People love that movie, by the way. People loved that movie.

What, Krippendorff's tribe? It's a stay tuned. It's a big time. And it might be a Patreon only stay tuned. Maybe you guys want to hear it and those other fucks don't. I don't know. Second thing, Krippendorf's light sounds like a discontinued brand of cigarettes.

Yes. Krippendorf's light. When you want something that goes down smooth, but won't offend the lady folk in the honky-dunk. African tobacco. Or is it? In reality, we only put the bad stuff. you know, they mix it with the tobacco

and all the other niceties we put in only the toxic sludge. Kippendorf's light. At least they're honest. So this is a movie where Tim Allen goes to South America to get a divorce finalized

and finds out whoops, he's got a little son played by introducing Sam Huntington, or as I like to call old Sam Huntington, the Shia Laboof that never was. Is he happy about that, though? Because Shia is pretty crazy now.

No, you don't want to be shy. Well, it's a tough... Rich as hell, man. That's the thing. That's the thing. It's a tough middle ground for old Sam Huntington because on the one hand, shy as bank accounts probably doing all right. On the other hand, though, he's kind of one of the most hated people in the country. Oh, for sure. And Sam Huntington seems like an all right guy.

And he's making money. He's been fucking constantly doing shit. I feel like if that Supermare returns took off, we would know who was going to go off to the sky. if it really, wait, wait, are you suggesting we would remember Jimmy Olson who played Jimmy Olson? Yes, you would be like, oh, if there was like three of those movies like, oh, you'd be like, and no, young Jimmy Olson's in this movie. We would think I would never remember that.

I think though, Steve, you nailed it. I'd need at least three. Yes. To be like, oh yeah, he was Jimmy Olson in those, that Brian Singer trilogy nobody likes. But I think if it was just the two and then definitely the one, because when you said it, before we went on the air, I was Oh, fuck, yeah, it wasn't that movie.

Then you're just, like, in the movie. But if not, then you're like, oh, I was Jimmy Olson. Was he like a Nickelodeon kid or some shit? I mean, I think this is Disney, so. Yeah, I mean, you can't cross them lines, huh? I mean, he's been like the supporting friend in 100,000 of these movies. Detroit Rock City, he's in. Oh, God.

He's like the main kid. He said, what was that goddamn movie? The Fat Nerds? No. Oh, oh. Fan boys. Fan boys. Holy shit.

Isn't he also? the sidekick and Dylan dog? Yes, he is. Yeah. Oh, God. Wait, wait. Wait. The zombie sidekick. He reunited with Superman? Yes, he did. Holy shit. Maybe that's a state tune. I never saw Dylan Dogg. Oh, it's quite something. He keeps coming up on this show only. On this show only, you'll hear it. Hey, 24 episodes of Rosewood. Oh, I don't know. Is that like a cabinet making show? What happens? Essentially, yes. If so, I would watch. No, it was more as chestnut. He was doing stuff. Wait, is that a famed carpenter? Oh, he's in, dude, oh, I just remember aside from watching this, I remembered what I

most recently saw him in. Uh-huh. He's got like a garbage, nothing role in that pointless movie Sully. Oh, okay. He's like, yes, he is in that, yes. He's one of the people on the airplane who, like, he gets separated from his uncle. And I think either him or the uncle, one of those

motherfuckers is wearing a newsboy cap. They are. Come on. It's, terrible. That movie is terrible. He was in that being human show for a little while. Fifty-two episodes. Fifty-two episodes. Man, the sci-fi channel. Picks me up. You pick me up and give me 60. That's what I want. You can secretly make a living at the sci-fi channel. You could have six episodes, six seasons in a movie and nobody would fucking know.

That's the thing is you make all the money in the world, but you go home for Thanksgiving, nobody knows what you're doing. Like, oh, you still got that office job. No, I'm on the sci-fi channel. I'm the lead. sci-fi channel? They just, they dump money into every dumb project in the book. Why not us? Yeah, exactly. Why not, why not just get us to make one of your tarantula versus people movies?

What's a show on the BBC that like nobody in America likes, but could like if it was worse? Age gap lover. There you go. We can make the American version a narrative version of age gap lovers. But anyway, speaking of tarantula versus people, I just realized what I said was very serendipitous because this movie is by and large

just about a spider and people happen to be around. It's all the people in this spider's life that it encounters when it goes on a trip to the big apple. It really is. It's a spider movie. It's a spider movie by far. Oh, totally.

Dude, we should do a phantom edit of this. Well, because there's four... Tofer Grace's house. Yeah. There's four fucking scenes. of the same fucking, ah, there's a spider, I'm scared of the spider,

somebody get rid of the fucking spider. We get multiple explanations of the rules of spider. The spider takes out the Russian mafia in this movie. That's a really good point. It's a fucking goddamn hero spider. Dude, it would be great.

The end of the movie, Giuliani is giving the spider a commendation. Oh, man. Has anybody else seen that Dustin Hoffman movie hero? Yeah. The spider is Dustin Hoffman. Oh, okay. And he saves Gina Davis

from a plane. Yes, but Andy Garcia gets the credit. Yeah. Because he's better looking. Because he's better looking. What? It's a movie from the 90s when you can make a plane crash movie. So it's from the 1990s.

Sure. There's a plane crash and Andy Garcia, Dustin Hoffman, and Gina Davis on a plane. And Dustin Hoffman is the hero. But for some reason, it's like a Cyrano de Bergerac thing. Like where Andy Garcia is better looking. So he's going to play better for the whatever. What does this have to do with a spider? He's just saying that we were talking.

I'm going to play into things. Yeah, if it was a hero. I'm looking for a hero spider. Chris was just looking for a movie that's on the public consciousness and he thought of hero. Barry Levinson's hero. I also thought you were talking about

the Sam Elliott movie, The Hero. Oh, the hero. Actually, I thought we were talking about the spider as Jet Lee being shot with a bunch of errors. There we go. Yeah, yeah. He's going to take down the emperor.

Or the spider in the one where that spider has to go to every alternate dimension and kill the version of that spider. fighter to become more and more powerful? That is a stay tuned. I've been dying to do that movie. Oh, totally. I saw that movie in the theaters. Dude, he hits himself with a motorcycle.

It's a good movie. So we open on, we see the kid, Sam Huntington, who's playing a character named Mimi Siku. Mimi Siku, yeah. He's just kind of boating around, looking a lot like the kid from the never-ending story. Big time. Atreu there. I think he also kind of looks like, does he sort of look like the kid in the Indian

in the cupboard movie? Yeah, sure. Yeah, a little bit. Isn't that just Atreou? Did they get the same kid? I don't know. No, that movie was years later. Oh, really? I think so. I just thought Atreo was an eternal child. Your honor. He is in your heart. No, dude, he's just working at Best Buy.

Speaking of Your Honor, we've got ourselves a French remake. Everybody put on your gloves. We got a French remake. Yeah, dude. We love doing this. the late 80s and the 90s so with my father the hero fucking three men and a baby just visiting three fugitives oh right three fugitives

what the fuck is just visiting Jean Renault as a night that comes from the past into the present and the French version Oh that's not the French version John Renault is also in the French version Oh he Deppard dude

Yeah he did he double dipped He double dip our dudes He did yes he did Oh is that why Jeff Rueh is so overweight is because he kept like gobbling up movie roles. I think that's like like Kirby.

It's like no, it's like the one except for you don't fight all the other ones. You eat all every version of yourself. I would eat myself. I, dude, I saw a picture

Gerard Dubed do in the early like 80s or something. That dude could get it. That dude is a snack. Oh, absolutely. There's a movie called The Return of Martine Gare holy God.

Just look out. Look out for Gerard Departu. Look the fuck out. Going places which John Totoro is remaking now. young Gerard Deppadoo. Yep. And that's the thing.

I never even got to be my young Gerard de Bardu face. I'm just always old Gerard de Partu. You were born looking like 50-year-old Gerard Departu. Dude, you were fucking drinking wine, taking a piss on an airplane floor. Welcome to New York, like, oh, my God. Size of a fucking tanker that's holding oil. That is a horror movie. That Abel Ferrar's movie.

Oh, my God. That is a horror. That guy's-dominic Stras. Yeah, dude, he's a fucking monster. that movie. It's incredible. A huge monster. How about that? Dominic Strauss-Con versus tarantula. Call us sci-fi network.

We're a picture of the hits today. So we open, we intercut with what Mbiziko's doing. We go to the stock exchange floor. And boy, are we saying something right here, aren't we? Because it's like the jungle sounds. And then, dude, we dissolve into the trading floor of the stock market. We go jungle to jungle, my friends. Oh, yeah.

fucking thinking on its feet this movie. And it's Martin short who's in this movie for a reason or two. And here's a quick question about Martin Short in this movie. Because one, I think he's kind of the best part of this movie. Sure, he's Martin Short. Because he's Martin Short. Exactly. It's the same reason why he, I'm just

put this together. He's the fucking best part of that Santa Claus 3, the last Tim Allen movie we touched on. He's the best part of a lot of crap that he's it. Now, but here's my question, though. Why the fuck does he have red hair in this movie? That's a good question. Maybe it's for another movie. You know, it's like to in kindergarten cop, why does

Arnold have red hair? That's another good question. I don't get it. It was just the fashion of the time. I've got ambitions. But this Martin's short hair dye, man. It looks like an old woman. Yeah.

Like, it's just that bad, like you were going for red, but it's kind of like blue-purple-ish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like a phase, I think, like some actors were like, well, I got to play a character with a different hair color to make it different. Why the hell is Bruce Willis dyed blonde for the

Jackal. That's a good call. Well, because he's trying to hide him stuff. Yeah, that might have been a... Oh, Martin Short. He's trying to hide. Oh, in this movie? Well, that's a good place to hide because nobody fucking saw it.

Actually, what was the deal with this movie? Was this success of the box office? I think it did okay. I don't think it was... Disney, Tim Allen. I mean, it was... We're post Santa Claus, by the way. He's a sensation at this point.

Did quite a lot of business. I don't think this did even near that. There would have been a sequel if it did, I think. Probably. But Jungle 3. jungle? That's a question of jungle. But isn't that like what the dog movie is? Dude, that's a

fucking Craigslist advertisement, by the way, jungle for jungle. I don't even know what it means. What does that mean? It's like furries and lion suits. That just means it's fucking swampy in there. You know what I mean? Like, I'm sorry, Chris Kevin. What were you saying?

I mean, isn't that what like fucking hit the shaggy dog remake Joe's somebody? They were They were all these attempts to get back to whatever the fucking, what, I mean, to harness that magic. It was Christmas. It was a Christmas movie at Christmas. Yeah. Yep.

You're totally right. What the fuck? Are you saying that we weren't allowed to say Christmas back in the 90s? No, Chris is saying that the reason that movie was hyper successful is because it was a live action Santa movie starring that guy from that tool time show. Yeah. And you know people out there called the tool time, by the way. Yes, I know it was called Home Improvement.

But you better believe on more than one occasion. I was like, yo, you watch a tool time or what? Oh, there are dozens of guys in Ohio who still see like last man standing fucking things and say, oh man, Tim Taylor's great. Tim, calling him. I thought I heard him because Tim Allen's also on the stock exchange floor right here in this movie we're not talking about.

And at some point in this discussion, he sells something. I could have sworn he said sell. No, no, no, well, he buys coffee. I thought he said sell Binford. Did anybody else hear Binford? I thought we were making a home improvement joke there. No, I hope so. I mean, they do do one home improvement drop.

Oh, oh, we're there. Yeah, we're going to get there. By the way, just in from the internet ticker, this thing cost 32 mil on estimate. Gross. At the end of the day for the United States was almost $60 million. Yeah, so, yeah, you made your money. Yeah. A critical failure, though.

Oh, yeah. People hated it. Like, Gene Siskel said it was an embarrassment. Roger Ebert gave this one one star, but gave the original no stars. Yeah, because he said like, what was it? The first one was like so bad. It was like fascinating and this one was just mediocre. No, no.

This one was the higher rated. Yeah, I know. That's what he gave it one star because it was just mediocre. It wasn't. Whereas that one was just like, completely a bottom of it. He had seen. Forgettable. It's a really good review if you get to watch.

If you get to read it because it, he says like, I went to see it and they didn't have the last reel of the movie. No. That was the only interesting thing about my experience there. That is interesting. And it was awful. It went back. Ted, the last reel is missing in Eberts in the audience.

I can't, let me tell you, I cannot even fucking imagine being the projectionist when Raj was in the building. You know what you got to do then? If this fucking happens, you got to be like, okay, guys, get together. We're putting on a show. We're going to finish the last reel all together. I had a manager at the multiplex we would later go on to work for read the ending of the film Assassins

and he gave the option for people to leave the theater and get the refund or he would tell you the end of the movie and then you'd get the refund and I was like oh I want to see this old man read from a card. So yeah what happens is Tim Allen buys a bunch of stock for his company of coffee, a bunch of shares of coffee. Martin Short, who's a nervous. Nellie, is like, oh, my God, what are we going to do with these things? He's like, yeah, I can't be bothered. I have to go fuck off to Caracas to go get divorced from Penelope. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is the beginning of a movie, man.

And he gets in a plane. I will say this about this, though. This movie gets right to it. It does, but then it fucks around for the rest of the movie. It certainly does, but it gets right to it. It gets right to fucking around. It gets right to it by 30 days out from your movie. marriage. I'm going to get my divorce paper side. That's something you should have settled.

That's something you should have settled a long time ago, Tim Allen. Before you do the engagement. Yeah, probably. So he goes and the ex-wife is Joe Beth Williams, of course. Oh, the great Joe Beth Williams. Yes. Playing, what's this woman's name? Patricia.

She goes, he goes, she's supposed to be in one place but she's not. She's much further back. So he has to go on another kind of a boat ride and to get got to go like embrace of the serpent down the fucking. He totally does it's insane. And I was sitting there

and it's like start the stopwatch man. Like when this movie starts how quickly do we get Tim Allen being a fucking piggish American racist in this movie? It's under 10 minutes. Because it's all the fucking like it's like oh my God these people are so disgusting. Don't you know

what a fucking fly swatter is? And he knows better than everyone. Of course. He's going down the river and he's like leaning off the boat and the guy's like I wouldn't do that. And he's like, why? Well, why? I can do it. And, you know, there's obviously piranhas in the water, but this is also on the sci-fi

network. Well, he goes, this makes no such. He goes to the village and says, what is this Gilligan's Island? You mean an island in the middle of the ocean with only white people on it? Yeah, exactly. What the fuck is even? What is that hell is that joke? Did you see the show

ever? But the thing is you think, when he first gets there, his Limo Driver's like, Cromwell, Cromwell? He's like, yeah, I'm Cromwell with a C. Oh, right? He totally corrects the dude's spelling on a fucking airport sign. And I'm like, oh, okay, so this movie's going to be about him.

Like, he's going to learn a lesson. He's a big business, so-and-so. Christmas Carol S. Yeah, yeah. Or he's going to like learn. How great he actually is. He doesn't learn a fucking thing. Not a thing.

And it's funny, man, if you ever want to, if you're wondering, you're sitting at home, you're like, uh, like even before all this current business we find ourselves in today, with today's government and whatnot. You're like, why does the rest of the world hate us? Watch movies like this because it's fucking legit documentation of how terrible we are. Like, this is a real person

who goes to these places all the time. You know what? And just acts like a fucking asshole, know it all pig about everything. And let's, before he left, he told Martin short, I'm by, what, $300 worth of coffee future. This is going to become very important to the fucking plot.

He buys all this stuff and like Martin Short's losing his mind. He's like, we're not going to sell. We're not going to sell. We cut back to Martin Short a couple times and he's like pulling his hair out. Just shit his pants. Because that's what he's doing in this movie. And like he goes there. He meets Joe Beth Williams and she's like, she's trying to tell him like because apparently

she just left. Like this dude was so bad and I think the other stuff was going on. You know what I mean? Like I think she probably appeared for his safety. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. A little side piece. It was no.

It's the Roaring 80s. We're talking Tim Allen. in the 80s. Oh, absolutely. Dude, that Coke meal situation came up. He's having lunches with Matthew McConaughey and Linaard or DeCaprio. It's a bad fucking time to be alive. Absolutely, dude, he's fucking meeting Christian Bale for lunch, too.

She's like, letto's there. Well, he's getting dinner with Dominic Strauss come. So she got the fuck out. She left the country. I think it's because she thought someone was, you know what I mean? Like, she thought something's about to go down. She's like, you know, I can't be in the middle of the end of fucking true romance, all right?

Exactly. I'm out of here. She's like, I don't want to be fucking murdered in my bathtub. Exactly. I don't know if we're Wonderland murdered. Like, who knows what was going on Tim Allen's apartment in the early 80s in this movie? And then Tim Allen's like, oh yeah, the Wonderland murders. I do have a 13 inch cock. Ruh, rah, rah, rah, rha.

Oh, you. I fucking hate it. I should say this right now. I don't know if it's come across clearly enough just yet. You hate his cock. I fucking hate Tim Allen. I hate Tim Allen. He's a fucking douchebag. Racist piece of shit. He's awful. Like, we all probably watch. home improvement. Oh, of course. Of course. I turned on home improvement pretty

quick, I feel. Good. Did you really good for you, dude? I was under the spell. I like maybe like two or three seasons and then I was out. And then like I would check back in when like Mark was being bullied for being goth. I'm like, that's stupid. That was something else. That was really great. It was like a whole season arc of like Tim the Toolman Taylor be bemoaning the thought that his son could actually be gay. It was like a whole horror show. And then he realized, oh, wait, no, he's, it's just like. It's just a subculture that has anything to do with sexuality.

If you need to know anything about who Tim Allen is, watch the difference between home improvement and that last man standing. Nope, so explain it to me. Please, please. So I'll... What is that show about? What? Last man standing?

Yeah, he's like the last man on earth kind of a deal like a boy in his dog. Like a Dick's Sporting Goods type of place. Okay. But he also records blogs. No, stop. In his back office about like masculinity. Stop. Is he running

guns too? I mean, this sounds like a dangerous dude. He's a YouTube personality. Yeah, he's a YouTube personality. He's a cam guy. Because they couldn't fit in the fucking television show. Jungle for jungle, my friend. Sorry, wait, wait, Chris Capman is educating us right now.

I'm playing with Pew, Pew, Di. What was that fucking? Pewty pie, my friend. I'm rough, from play with PewDie Pye. What was that again? He's some racist kid from... He plays video games.

He plays video games and like says racist stuff. Oh, that's, you know what? That's awesome. Also, he's like an internet millionaire because of that. Oh, really? Guys, should we become internet millionaires by being racist on the internet? Probably not, but it's a good backup. I mean, I'm totally fine with our standing right now.

I'm just saying, yeah, pull that parachute. Yeah, if my student loan debt gets like, if they start really turned at the screws, I'm going to start saying some alt-right shit. That's when you'll know. Now, hang on a second, though. So he makes vlogs. Yes.

About what? Just like whatever is pissing him off that day. Because he has daughters instead of sons. So he's pissed off about all the guys that the daughters are. Oh, my God. Well, that's because of his own broken penis and testicles that he couldn't make sons. That's Tim Allen's fault, right? Ruff, rough, rough.

Bark, right dog. Does he do fucking that argue noise in the shaggy dog? No, he can't. Because if there were ever a place where it was appropriate, it would be when he's playing a literal shaggy dog. I've watched a total of three episodes of that thing. The shaggy dog? I didn't see.

No, last man standing? Of last man's standing. And I haven't seen any. Was that the show that Jennifer Lawrence was on with him? No, that was Bill. She was on the Bill Engval show. Oh, you're totally right. What was that?

Oh, that Bill Engval, he had like, Here's your stupid sat. Here's a Eric Siska. Here's your side. Speaking of sides, let's get back on the path to jungle to jungle. Yeah, oh, we are fucking all over the road, dude. We're lost in the jungle. So, Joe Beth Williams is, yeah?

Yeah, Joe Beth? The big chills, Joe Beth Williams. It's like, hey, man, you know, I left because, you know, you got a fifth phone line and I realized what my life was. And I got a, we got an eyeball in the mail. It was really fucking scary there for a little bit. I opened my fifth finger of the month, and I was done. so there's a guy that just sat outside our door with a chainsaw and I knew what that was about like he didn't say much

but I knew what that Tim Allen in a horror movie would be good if he got butchered yes if he got like Danny Glovered and saw like he's the father of the house like you always wanted to be and his kids are being murdered one by one and he's watching right and eventually they get him he's like the last girl no you know what he'd be perfect in And they fucking, they screwed it up by putting the nip-tuck idiot in it. He would be perfect for the stepfather remand.

Dude, I thought you're going to say, Dr. Doom. No, even better. You're right, Chris. All the stepfather remit. Oh, that guy, not Julian McMahon. No. What if he is, he's a beleaguered scientist? He's working on time travel.

Oh, here we go. He's like, you know, and like, no one believes him. It's like a dark, interesting. Maybe you get like a Darren Aronofsky going in this. Oh, yeah. And are you pitching the Dr. Doom movie? He makes it work, and he goes back to caveman times. And now he is being hunted by feral men.

Oh, shit. And then he's like, h, hr, hr, hr, hr, and he's like, it's a reverse most dangerous game. Yes. It's like you've got the affluent science great white hunter man, and now he is the prey. And that would balance it all out, dude. It's like what I keep saying, we just need to eat one billion.

Just one. A working class hero needs to. rise up and eat a billionaire. That's all. So, Joe with Williams, like, I left. By the way, and he's being a, he's on his little cell phone commute, like, he's got his fucking speaking of girls, Congo

Digilink set up. Yeah, dude, it is some, like, tech mumbo jumbo here. Like, we're on one side of my apartment and the router's on the other. And the fucking Wi-Fi isn't great through the brick walls of this building. You know what I mean?

He's in, like, Venezuela or wherever. And it's not. 1997, everybody. Yeah, and he's clickety clacking and trading stocks like it's fine. No way. So she tells him he's got a son, he doesn't even hear it. Then somebody ruins, one of these dumb tribal people breaks his thing.

And he's like, oh no, and he's like, so what happened? He has a son. It's Mimi Siku. He goes like fishing with him kind of sort of, right? This is when they start to meet each other. Correct. Yeah, yeah. She's like, why don't you try not being a piece of shit and like just go hang out with him? Yeah. And then he survives a night of,

farts. Dude, the fucking... Fart jokes. Like what? This is just like... Too much fruit joke? Like, what the... It's all bits of his

fucking terrible stand-up comedy. Don't stand too close to a naked man. Or whatever that thing is. That was his book. That's right. Oh, I forgot it. God... There's also a joke in here

about like native children being a litter. Yeah, yeah. He says that to the woman who he thinks is a pig. Well, and I got to touch on that right now. So he goes into this tent and Joe Beth Williams is like a doctor, but she's also like it's a veterinarian or something.

Sure. And there was a, there's a woman in there like helping her out and the woman is very much overweight. Sure. The gag, quote, quote, I'm doing a fucking air quotes everybody. It's an audio podcast. The gag is Tim Allen looks at this woman. We cut to what Tim Allen is looking at. It's a shot of this woman.

She smiles at him. And the movie, the soundtrack to this movie makes a 1,000 percent, legitimate pig noise. And I was like, I'm done. I'm fucking done with this. But there is a pig in the room, an honest to goodness pig. They have an explanation for everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, Chris Cabin. I know exactly what's going on. I can read that film language. Fuck you. You think you is correct here. Sorry, Steve. You think Tim Allen was horrible.

I'm sorry, Steve. In the sound mixing booth? Like, pig noise. Ro, louder. Raha, louder. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, do it right before I say that natives are inhuman animals. You know, they'll come out at once when they're born.

You know that movie Hannibal that's not come out yet? The pig noises from that. That's not come out yet. Yeah, this movie that'll be arriving in four to five years. The specific soundtrack from that one movie. Because capitalism is a disease, Tim Allen could have afforded to see it because he was making $1.26 million an episode on home improvement. Get out of town.

It is a disease. Or whenever, like 99. I don't know when. That's Bill Clinton fucking $1 million. Oh, man. What a time to be alive making mediocre television. So he goes on a little trip with his son. They start to bond a little bit.

We get very reminiscent of our friend Tarzan the 8thman. A snake is murdered here. Oh, dude. It's a hilarious snake puppet. Oh, boy, is it ever. Dude, the fucking henson company was laughing at this thing. Because it's like a freeze frame. It's a blow dart right through its head.

Yes, and we're introducing his Mimisiku is very good with a blow dart gun Oh yeah, which is used a lot in this movie Remember that You could even say the movie blows And you know, they kind of like They start to bond This is when the spider is introduced

Our friend Spider And Jim Henson wasn't here for this This was John Benson And he was a cartoon at some point I think like when it's on the beach The Wide Shot I think that's just a cartoon I saw a downright wire pulling the puppet.

There's several of them. There's a part where it's like, where, no, I noticed it on the beach when it's like coming after Tim Allen and it's just someone pulling a string. I was like, where the fuck is Bella Legosi? Like, this is the level we're at right now of shit props.

Also, it's around this time when they're walking through the jungle where they say something, he's like, oh, that birds the cocoa rono or whatever the fuck. And Tim Allen goes, oh, well, that bird can't sing. It's more like a cocoa, oh, no.

Hey, everybody, a Yoko Ono joke. You get that? Ruh, rah, rah, rush, russ. In 1997, Yoko Ono, just destroying Yoko Ono in 1997. He is such a fish out of water in the first part of this movie. And the reason is he didn't have Wilson as a sounding board. He wasn't able to go into the backyard and hear about some fucking white racism from that guy. That guy was all about, like...

Was Wilson part of the problem? Yes, he was a sex tourist, for sure. Yeah, he was definitely a sex tourist. He's also like one of those white guys that's like, oh yeah, I deeply respect this culture because dot, dot, dot. And this is quotes everyone, Noble Savage. Yep. The fucking Wilson was definitely subscribing to National Geographic back of the day. And he believed in this whole...

And National Review. Oh, yeah. Dude, man. And fucking whatever else came in the... He likes covering his face. I wonder why. maybe he's in the Ku Klux Klan. That's a great way to cover your face, Wilson.

It's a fucking white fence. So they get to bonding. By the way, Yoko Ono will not say Mark David Chapman's name and she will not say Tim Allen's name. Just putting that out there.

Wow, that's interesting. Yeah, the only two. So they get to bonding. He's almost eaten by a crocodile. Oh, right. I had my fucking fingers crossed for that one. Because it's like the kid is explaining like, hey, motherfucker.

Yeah. Don't yell in the presence of this spider. If you yell, it freaks the spider out and it wants to attack you. But if you're chill, it's fine. And he's like, oh, got it. Rough, rough, rough. And then he's the kids like, oh, by the way, whatever I've named this other creature, he's always mean.

And he's like, uh, and there's this fucking crocodile behind him. I was like, go get him. End credits. Imagine Tim Allen was just fucking gutted by a wild animal. in like the first 20 minutes of this movie. And then the rest of the movies like burying his body taking into like the holy place to dispose of the corpse. The kid

dude, Momosikam's self has to take the body back to New York City. Oh, it's like a Venezuelan Elizabeth town. No, it turns into no country for old men because all the Coke money that Tim Allen still owes the fucking cartel goes down there looking for him and they will not take

no for an answer. I would love that. Can I tell you one of the most savage jokes the Simpsons ever made? And I fucking love it. Sure. When I think it's like Homer, somebody is watching home improvement. And it's like Tim Allen

backs up a riding mower through the fence and runs over Wilson. And he's like, oh no, I've killed Wilson. Looks like it's back to jail for me. Oh, yeah. I was like, fuck.

Yes. Thank you, Simpson. Dude's a felon. So, nothing wrong with that. Oh, everyone pays their debts and dues. Right.

There is nothing wrong. Except for people like Tim, Alan, who have a real problem with that. If someone who's not white pays their dues. I prefer the mafia in general. Oh, absolutely. People like Tim Allen. Of course, we are pro-Mafia program.

Absolutely. The show, since 2010 has been 100% pro-Mafia at all times, never forget it. Other point here of Tim Allen being terrible and making fucking dude-dad jokes throughout this whole movie, is they're talking about, like, you know, these, the names that these people have in the tribe, Momu Siku, the gag is, it means cat piss.

And it's like the kids get to pick the name, so it's funny or whatever. And then they're like, oh, you know, Tim Allen, they named you baboon or whatever. And he goes, oh, no, I want my name to be however it means man who is well endowed. And then all the dads go, that's right, Jim Allen. Jim Allen is our man leader. Wait, why is John Reese Davies in the audience? Oh, is Tim Allen is hilarious Oh, because I'll tell you right now,

me and Tim Allen are the same opinions about Muslims. Tim and John in the mornings. Oh, that is a fucking radio show. That would get all radio canceled. You know what? This here is the official death of terrestrial radio.

Oh my God, they would have a real case against Adam Carolla. Yeah, those guys are stealing my bit, man. Just replace Mexicans with Muslims. It's the same thing. Oh, I'm sure he hates them, but. Carolla. So he kind of bonds with Mimisiku here, and, like, Mimisiku has a pendant of the Statue of Liberty.

He's like, you know, and the kid, like, speaks English, like, fine, but not fine. Like, it doesn't make sense. It improves pretty quickly. It does. And he's like, you have statue. And he's like, yes, we have the Statue of Liberty. And he's like, you take me to Statue? Yeah.

When I'm a man, will you take me to the Statue of Liberty? Correct. When you're a man. short and everyone in the audience, like, I get it. Because the next night. Oh, I didn't because I wasn't paying attention. There's a bar mitzvah, basically. Exactly. He gets it like a weird

bar mitzvah thing where he holds, it's a big ceremony. He gets his face painted. He, like, holds onto a hot piece of a tree. And like, and now you're a man. And basically, Joe Betts Williams is like, well, now you have to take him to fucking New York. Right. And it's like, I can't, this is also around the time where Tim Allen

hisses at what he calls a witch doctor. Oh, that's right. Holy shit. Yikes. Holy shit, dude. It's like this dude, he's got this like these like long pieces of straw over his face. He kind of looks like cousin it, which is pretty cool. And he's just like, oh, he's yelling at Joe Beth Williams about the whole situation. He's like, you got me standing around this witch doctor. And the dude like parts the, you know, the straw or whatever and is like, the fuck did you do to me? Yeah, well, that's the thing is what the balls you have dude they could these people should fucking cut you up and then he also calls them the pirates of the caribbean he again screams at joe beth williams about you left me to come live with the pirates of the caribbean which is a nod to disney what is yeah sure but like what what what are you talking about what about these dudes at this whole tribe of people makes you think they're pirates of the you're not in the caribbean these aren't Pirates clearly. You're just

a fucking moron. Well, this goes on with all these fucking jokes of his. Gilligan's Island doesn't make any fucking sense. Pirates of the Caribbean doesn't make any sense. He also refers to them as the fucking village people. Does that make sense? No. The closest, I think his

dumb brain is going is that there was a dude in the village people that dressed like a Native American. Oh, okay. So that all that synapses are working. Does not justify. So thanks for coming to the test screening for jungle to jungle. Thank you guys.

Are you guys doing great? You got comment cards there. So what did you think? Would you like more Mimusiku or less Mimusiku? Okay. You remember the Pirates of the Caribbean joke? Would you like a full movie of Pirates of the Caribbean? Maybe seven of those? Could you do? Okay.

So you said seven? I've never seen answers like this through the roof. They all want Pirates of the Caribbean movies. One final question, just to throw in here at the back end, maybe call it a bonus question. It's a word we left out of the screenplay. but Tim is really adamant about throwing it back in. Could we, would you guys mind if we tossed in the scene where Tim Allen uses the N-word with these people?

Through the roof. Through the roof, Jim. Thank you. This Arkansas test screening has gone exactly how we plan. Thank you. On to Mississippi next. Apologies to non-monsters in both of those. And, yeah, in Arkansas in general.

Yeah. So he kind of, you don't know what happens. They do a smash cut. It's just Tim Allen. on the plane. Because basically she's like, this kid doesn't know what lying is. This kid doesn't know what means to break a promise. If you say something, you have

to do it. And she fucking totally I mean, this is a real biting line. She's like, and you're going to break the first promise you ever made to your son? I was like, ooh, game set match, Williams. And this is kind of like a twister setup, right? He's doing all this for those divorce papers.

You're totally right. It's all so he can have a legal divorce to marry Lolita DeVille. David now. Now I just yearn for Philip Seymour Hoffman's fucking ballsack. I think that's the same year. Oh, wow. It might be 97, yeah. This was a grand

year for cinema. Sounds right. I'm not going to check what it sounds right. Were you offended by the idea of divorce? Okay, no, that's good. That's good. Do you know what divorce is? Oh, no. No, nobody. Well, that's weird. Oh, you do think that divorce is unchrishin? Well,

don't worry, at the end of the movie, we're going to undo that divorce and they're going to get back together, this is Disney. Thanks for coming. Same thing in Twister, too, man. We were afraid of divorce in the 90s. Oh, that's right. Of all movies that you should just make a divorce. Isn't that what's eating us alive now, Steve? That's true.

Well, I do remember, like, there was so much stuff in pop culture back then about divorce and how it's going to ruin your rotten kids and all that. Then they all got podcasts. Me and Steve are shining examples. But my point is it's bullshit. Yes, yes.

And it was ridiculous. So he's on a plane. He's flying first fucking class, by the way. But I guess if it's a 15-hour flight, you better pay the extra man. Oh, my God. That's an upgrade I need. So no getting this kid in regular clothes, huh?

That is something, isn't it? Isn't that something? You know, I mean, I'm sure Caracas has a store of some kind. I'm sure there's people there that wear more Western clothing. It needs to be addressed. How about the airport? Yes. How about the airport when they landed JFK?

Just a kid a pair of jeans and a vest. Even a vest would be great. And here's how you could do it because it's such an obvious, stupid joke that Disney Buena Vista would go for it. You get this kid into a department store or like a duty-free shop at the airport or some shit. Uh-oh. I'm too sexy clothing montage, dude. You don't even need to give this kid a haircut. It's totally fine.

Just him trying on jeans. It's 97. Get that kid in a fucking Tasmanian devil t-shirt or sweat. A pair of guest jeans on. Bro, have you not even seen and seen, oh man? Limit the pair of boy nips that I have to look at for a fucking 90 minutes. Someone call me the bugle. Is the bugle boy?

Yeah, sure. No, that's the clothing company? Yes. For a second, I thought I was confusing it with the ducktails. No, those are the beagle boys. Oh, God. Bugle boy was jeans. Doge that boy.

Or how about Arizona? Yeah. Anyone remember Arizona jeans or tea? You need to get the big dog in here. This is the job with the big dog. Okay. Okay. Does anyone want to see Mimisiku get dressed? Wow.

No one. Okay. Now, who wants to see him get undressed? All right. This is the last test screening we'll ever do at a Nambla conference. So he takes him on a plane. And yeah, he does not get this kid dressed. There's some business where he's peeing on the seat or something like that.

He's peeing on the floor. He's kind of pulling a Gerard Deppard Dup Ardune out for nothing. Yes. He's fucking pissing on that plane. I can't piss on. your plan, I piss on your blonde. Dude, I love it. Gerard Depard Deppard Rduh, right? He's chugging

red wine out of the bottle in the middle of the aisle, just urinating. And because it's Gerard Deppard Dapard Dapard dude, he's incredibly unhealthy, he's pissing blood. So it's like red wine into blood piss, and it just looks like it's one continuous thing. Like when a cartoon gets like shot

with a gun and just like Oh yes. It drinks milk and like, yeah, it falls out. Is there a video of this? Is Gerard up to you. He actually got pissed on an airplane. There was at least photographs. This was several years ago. I think there's photographs.

Wasn't he going back to the motherland, Russia? Was this before the Russia stuff or no? I thought that was about the same time. Do you think him and Steven Zagalor roommates? They're bunk beds, but they're built like industrially strong.

Hey, Gerard. Yeah, yeah. Snowden again. You have eaten all my yogurt again after I've asked you specifically not to and I got enough problems with Steve over there. This show is called the expats by the way. It's going to be amazing.

Stephen Seagal, Gerard de Verde and Edward Snowden. That's what it would take to get me to watch reality television. Oh my God, yeah. Or hey, Gerard, real quick, buddy. It ain't healthy when you put a bunch of chocolate sauce in your yogurt. Just saying. Or in this case,

chocolate sauce and my yogurt. Listen to you, you French fat fuck. It's the last time you lay an upper decker in my toilet It's the last time You hear me I gotta go Tend to my woman dungeon now I swear to God I'll put on my fucking album

Hey nerd help me fix the toilet See I would watch this So bad You know my name's Snowden dude Dude Snowden You don't even know any kind of karate at all What was it? Was that a Bowden

and I say it again Say it to me like I fucking care You're big man Socla Blue Where's my food FI-Fo Fum I had four chickens In this fridge

Now I only see two I'm so sorry Edward Snowden I broke your grandmother's prize chair Oh man I can't I can't go back to America

to get that fix Hey, you fuck shits. Vlad's coming over tonight. I want this place cleaned immediately. He's coming over to watch the Oscars. Oh, fuck. Oh, also, so here's what's disgusting. I do not see why I have to do the dishes if I only use one plate.

I bought you with my hands. Listen, you fed fuck, it's called the chore wheel. I'm doing it. I'm Deloese laughing. Stephen, we thought it would be democratic to you as the chore wheel. Why don't you scrub the toilet brush? Why is this not real? Why is Wikipedia saying that I am 400 pounds?

Eric, get in here, fix this immediately. That's an underestimation, fatso. How good is this? This is a show or a kind of good mad team? Or the ladder. Steer the ladder. Here's the most disgusting thing about this movie. Okay. Okay. It takes a really long time for this kid to start wearing like Western clothes, jeans and other things. He is walking around New York City fucking barefoot. I don't even care about the no shirt and the loin club. He's barefoot in Manhattan. I'm throwing up. Throwing right up. You're stepping in piss and feces every, everything. You know what?

I won't even wear sandals in Manhattan. I do. It's a risk. I know. And I know I'm taking my life into my own hands by doing so, but I'm just a sandals guy. Yeah. But my God, the bare foot. You really want to have cleats if you're coming to the city.

If at all possible. A bunch of tourists and fucking coma cat t-shirts walking around with baseball cleats on. But yeah, you do, you do the sandal. You'll get that like black grime on the side of your foot. You're like, where did this come from? I didn't even. step on anything today. It's just this town.

You know how there's a lot of fucking movies about us being attacked by things that are made of ooze? They're mostly correct. So, but yeah, so Martin Short meets him and he's like, oh, you know, Martin Short's like, oh, you know, the coffee price is down. It's like, oh, I thought I told you to sell,

but the thing didn't go through or whatever. And Martin Shorts are coward, so it fucked up. So it's Martin Shorts fault that they're in trouble with their boss. And like, Tim Allen is just walking around. Like, could you imagine? everyone in this room. If I was like, oh, man, I got to go to, yeah, my ex-wife, who you never even met and never heard of, I got to go get divorced. I got to go to Caracas for a

long time. And I come back with a fucking 13-year-old kid. I'm like, that's my son. He lives with me now and he doesn't wear clothes. A 13-year-old kid who I can see 70% of his ass. Yeah. Oh, I see sewing your royal oats before the wedding. Very smart. It's like, dude, yeah, this guy would be under suspicion of sex tourism immediately. Of course. Like, he went there and bought a child. And like this fucking high rise, like this, he brings him to work. Yes.

And like, Maury Mandelbaum from fucking stay tuned is his boss. Oh my God. That's where that. It was driving me fucking crazy. Why isn't his first line when seeing this kid, what the fuck? Yeah, exactly. What is that? That's the joke. It's a what is that joke, right?

Like, he's talking. And then he stops and he goes, what is that? And, you know, the kid's fucking, like, eating bugs off the floor or something. It's my kid. Who cares? Quick part when they get to Manhattan that I thought was interesting. It made me wonder if Al-Qaeda enjoyed this film. Oh, please. They're walking around barefoot, disgusting. And the kid is like, like, oh, Babu, where is all the animals?

And it pans up to the world. Trade Center, and that is where all the animals are. Oh, it could be, dude. WTC is featured prominently. Makes you think. It's just weird. Like, you couldn't do that today. You couldn't pan up to the World Trade Center. You actually

could not. Well, or use Freedom Tower, as it were. And say that's where the animals are. No, yeah, you couldn't do that. I don't think so. That is, that is, like, stock brokers and so on. Yes, that is strictly a pre-9-11 joke. I did not hear that in 25th hour.

Oh, you mean the first movie To deal with 9-11 Yeah, they didn't throw that in there Although wasn't Barry Pepper There used to be animals up there Wasn't Barry Pepper Kind of like a racist in that movie Somebody was a guy

Yeah, of course Everyone's a racist So he The boss chews them out He's like, oh my God You know, you're on the hook For this million dollars That might be lost

If this stock keeps going south I don't know how stocks work I was just about to point out Part of the confusion in this movie because I have no idea how the stock market works. Well, guess what? No one does. It's stupid.

It's farcical. It's all about confidence. I would suggest nobody in this movie knows what they do. I don't think. No. Because there's a fucking one scene where they have like the ticker. Yeah. And all it says is commit suicide now.

Coffee plunges. Yeah. Coffee plunges. Yeah. Number letters. Coffee plunges. How do you just invest in coffee? Hey, nerd, what's all these number letters all over my screen?

Oh, it's a stock market, sir. Shockler blue, it's like we've been gone into the Matrix. No, no, Stephen, this is encrypted. This is supposed to be encrypted. What, these are number letters. Dude, it would be awesome if Gerard de Bardu's favorite movie was The Matrix. Probably, I wouldn't be surprised. But he just keeps watching it because he doesn't get it.

So he's like, I'm going to watch this. Did I can figure it out? What's the title of this show? Because we got a workshop. Is it enemies of the state? Frenemones of the state. Frenemones of the state, I like. I would put that out there.

I suggested the expats earlier. The ex-pats is good. It's set in Russia, of course. They're in the same Russian apartment. We need a pun. We'll get there. Let's just leave it out there. I know someone on the internet's got it already.

Not the red triangle. Look at this Gerard. They say that I'm the best action hero there ever was. You're a pound for pounds. I'm the best action hero in Croatia. bitch. Oh, man, don't drink Croatian. Guys, I got a lot of healthy snacks here.

If you just let me put you on a regiment, you'd both be back in fight and wait. Guys, could you also keep it down? I'm working on a paper, even though I'm not in school. I want to stay on top of things. Hey, Jodin, or whatever you're fucking names. Those nuttings have bacon in them. If not, fuck it.

I'm going to say Chris Cab and the best Steven Seagull. Oh, it is. I've just been sitting over here falling in love all over again. It's unbelievable. So, yeah, so basically they have, this movie starts to, like, and it really should

just be, this is my son, how do I deal with my son? We're doing Encino Man for 90 minutes, and it's at the end, he chooses his son over a business, right? That should be the entire movie. That's it. That sounds like 90 minutes, Steve. 90 minutes tight. And you know what? If you want to throw in the following

line of dialogue, If you keep it under 90 minutes, I'll allow it. Sure. Which is, whatever you do in Venezuela, do not try the chili con foiego. Oh, yeah. And then he just goes and takes a shit. Christ. I hate it.

I fucking hate Tim Allen. I mean, I kind of didn't really catch why exactly there's a camera crew following his fiance. She's like trying to become like a celebrity or a big business lady. I'm actually, because I thought I had the same thought. And I think it has some because if you watch Videon videography. Yeah, I thought that. Watch the trailer for the original,

the French original. They like take it literally like frame for frame. Oh, really? There are shots that are just the exact same. And in France there's just paparato. Yeah, like I think this was probably something in the original that made a little bit more sense. She says that, oh, they're doing a profile on me for the fashion channel.

And even Tim Allen's like, what the hell is the fashion channel? And they kind of just keep moving. you know what I mean like oh okay so it's not a wedding video no it's literally about her fashion career the fact that Tim Allen punches one of these dudes in the gut at one point in this movie I thought it was a dick punch it's a dick punch is it a dick punch oh my lord and it's the dude nobody cares it's one of the dudes from uh Star Trek Enterprise so Tim Allen goes to her I told you nobody care yeah I'm moving right along I'm not I'm not gonna give that even a beat you know what that's fine dude don't even hit the brakes just keep going slam right into that wall Tim Allen brings the

kid to her job. There's this camera crew there, which we already explained. They do also say that the jungle bloke helps her image. Oh, right. This kid, this dude's with the blonde peroxide hair. That's the guy from Enterprise. It looks like Spike from Buffy, dude. I think James

Marsters watched us a movie. I fucking thought it was Marsters dude. I was like, whoa. Oh, never mind. Was this person in loincloth? What? Spike. Oh, no, no, no. Spike is Oh, no. Oh, yes. Yes, he does look exactly like him. Yeah, yeah. I was I'm really confused there for a minute.

Sorry, no, no, no. So the TV guys are like, oh, the rain forest is really hot right now. Oh, right. True in two ways. Yeah, get that joke? Do you get it? Yes. Tim Allen was like, I don't like these bougie jokes about global warming and deforestation.

But also, like, it was a big, big issue. We had the medicine man with Sean Connery. We had Fern Gully. Of course. There was a lot, like, it was seeping into the pop culture. Man, the medicine man, dude, that fucking movie. Watch it to beans. is that I found the fucking cure for cancer

and I can't remember where I put it which is... Welcome to the test screening. Would you guys like him to find the cure for cancer? No? Okay, wait, okay, so he could... Would you like it if he lost the cure for cancer?

Would you like it even more if he lost the cure for cancer and then he got mad about it, yelled at Lorraine Bronco. Jim... Jim, literally every card from the medicine man screening is blank. Oh, every one of them.

Nobody cared. Nobody cared. So, yeah, so at this point, Mimisiku, like, kind of goes on a ledge to get something, or he sees a Statue of Liberty wants to look at it better, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes out on this ledge. It's a whole thing. Tim Allen brings him back in. Everyone applauds.

There's a homosexual man who is in two scenes, this one and one right after it. There's a couple of gay cartoons in this movie. He keeps fainting. Yes. Which is a joke that Tim Allen wrote. No, he originated. The one time he faints is when they see, what is his name, Mama Siku? Mimi Sikku is eating dog food.

Yeah. No cat food. And they do this fucking scene that's like right out of like, it's like the yuppies from Beetlejuice. Yes, yeah. Distraught at the idea. Oh, well, I'm never in Manhattan. Dude, this fucking old Lincoln Center donor starts vomiting.

they bring so like at the end of the fashion scene someone's like get that kid some clothes like good idea he's in this fucking Cosby sweater in this scene man it looks bad it is nuts it looks terrible the the why don't go middle ground not don't give him all of the clothes give him some of the clothes yeah let's take it like a t-shirt at a time yeah why don't you go and buy him clothes this is clearly just something you found in some fucking dresser somewhere also by the way just to quickly touch back on these gay cartoon characters for a second because The dude, I guess, like, in the credits, it's like gay one and gay two. Probably, like, Tim Allen dictated the credits in this movie.

So, like, the guy who's got more dialogue, he says here, when Mimi Ziku's out on the ledge, he goes, uh, oh, she's pulling a, he's pulling a Faye Ray. And I was like, the monkey pulled her out of the apartment. What are you talking about? I was like, this movie's written by somebody who, like, kind of remembered King Kong. but didn't bother to rent it on VHS before writing this one. When you see it in the middle of a cocaine bidge, one cannot be expected

to remember the details. From the set of King Cog, you want the monkey to pull her out the window? Yeah. Yeah. Sounds about right. Let's make more jokes that don't make sense. I love it. So whatever.

He eats cat food and someone else faints. The same gay guy faints again. Yeah. And like Joe, who is this a lady now? this is Lolita Davidovich What is she from? A bunch of stuff

She kind of floated around in the 90s I mean She's in Hollywood homicide I'll throw that out there She is scantily clad in this movie Oh absolutely She was in adventures In babies to be

Why else would a real man Get married unless it was To a scantily clad babe Wait that's my attempt at the ruff Ruff rough How do you do it? Riff Ruff Oh

Oh Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh, yeah, it's all fine. Yeah, exactly. Oh, Tex-Avery cartoon. Welcome back to John and Tim in the mornings. Yes, and, oh, how big are your tits, madam? Madam, are you calling in from a Muslim household? Hang up on her.

Do you have a bountiful bosom? Sit on the Sibian. Oh, fuck, it's like a Howard Stanton. Oh, absolutely, man. Now it's time for and another thing in Tim's corner. Oh, and now welcome back to bad dates. Wherein our producer goes on a series of bad dates. Remember that movie I was in?

Yes, well done. That's fucking, I was drinking some water during the delivery, but that was very fine. So, yeah, they don't like each other at all. It's a couple that makes no sense. Like, he's a, like, they do say, like, she's like, oh, you said you didn't want kids. And he's like, yeah, I know. And there's this line. And again, like, there should be a learning moment at some point in the movie where I'm like, he's like, oh, you know, look, we'll have this kid for a week or two.

I'll take him to the Empire State, the Statue of Liberty. And then we can go back to being irresponsible and only in love with ourselves. Like that's, like he says something very similar to that. Like, he's very, I don't know. That's like Tim Allen's mantra in real life. Sure. It's in love with himself. Yeah.

That's why he wants to get back to. So here's the thing. Yeah, I have a screenplay rule. After 35 pages, you're no longer allowed to introduce the Russian mafia. That's a good point, man. The window is closed. You need to have like a news report about the Russian mafia in the first 35 pages. Like that's at least, that's the absolute minimum.

We didn't get this right till Eastern promises. David Gordonberg watches. Well, it comes in two darn late. Although I like that Ogden Steers. He's for a Russian. It is the dumbest Russian mafia I've ever seen portrayed on screen. They try to amplify the Russia thing by having him this David Ogden Steers playing the head Russian mobster. The late grade David Ogden's sitting under a portrait of the late great Stalin.

And it's like I'm thinking to myself watching this movie like why would a devout party member even defect to the United States? why would you ever want to have that if you were truly like trying to you know yeah become a capitalist yeah why would you have a portrait of Stalin like you can't do both of those things no either you defected and now you're making money in the mafia or you're back there hanging paintings okay Andrew you hate Donald Trump let's say you're fucking flee America yes and you live somewhere else but then you would put a portrait of him up yeah that's the exact same To fool the rube's, to get them scared. But if I was in the mafia, man, nobody cares.

No, nobody. I don't care what the rubs think. I'm killing the rubs. So they're trying to offload these stock of coffee because their jobs and necks are on the line. Yes. And Martin Shorts, like, I got an idea let's go to the Russian mafia. And I'm like, what? Tim Allen brings the child to the mafia.

Don't bring Jungle Boy to this. Oh, oh, oh, oh. No, you should bring that to that. How is that song not in this movie? I'm sorry, that is Tarzan, boy. We're going to have to take some points off the table there. Hey, here's a question, by the way. Would you have liked it if Andrew got that joke right the first time?

Tweet about it. I'm sure he'd love to read it. It wasn't Jungle Boy. It was Jungle Life. Also, and really quickly, just to make him more happy, just give him your thoughts on Shrek. See how much he cares about that. Here's the thing, though, we're glossing over what I think is the, the singularity when it comes to Tim Allen jokes.

I think I found it. Okay. It's the Tim Allen joke, right? So Martin Short calls him up. He's like, listen, I have a buyer for these stocks that we're going to, the coffee futures or whatever. We're going to offload him. He doesn't specify mafia right away, which is what you want to do because you want to get him to come to the meeting in the first place. I'm going to spook him by saying mafia.

You wait until he gets there. So Tim Allen is like, hey, little kid, we have magic in my jungle too. Watch this. Put your arm out. Kid hails a cab, right? Oh, right. So this cab pulls up. There's a Sikh gentleman maybe. Maybe it's a Sikh gentleman hanging out the driver's side seat, right?

Driving this automobile, if you will. Sure. The kid goes, wow, magic to which Tim Allen quickly volleys back to this child. Yeah, magical. if he understands English. That is what, every time he enters a taxi cab, a restaurant, a store,

a hospital, a black church, any of these things, those are his first words. Does anyone speak English? I just can't. I can't. I just fucking can.

Confused language jokes. I think just prior to this, there was an interesting one about pussy. Oh, right. Oh, God, this fucking shit. We're making pussy jokes? now the spider i guess is named pushy and the spider gets lost like my tica my my tica he says that but he says pushy no that that means that's what he's actually i think he's talking about her vagina or her

ass or vagina okay so it's not a joke it's an actual horror moment of this film where he's running around the house timalick goes to work she she's alone asleep and uh oh god he's yelling pushy and like he barges in on her and like she's like like, you're not going to see any more pushy around here. Like, she's referencing it back to him. Well, he lifts up to the blanket. She's asleep. He's like, oh, you have a nice poochy poochie.

He says you have a nice poochie. I thought he was just you know, doing gibberish looking for the goddamn spider. He's doing gibberish looking for something else. Holy Toledo. Yeah, that kid is living in the hallway until Tim Allen gets home. That's what's happening. No, dude,

you know what? It doesn't matter because she gets held hostage in the bathroom by that spider and this is where we're kind of like jumping all over the place but this is where he he escapes the apartment because tim allen's like he you know he says like we'll go to the statue of liberty tomorrow so then we come to this day kids like hey let's go to the statue of liberty he's like uh tomorrow rough rough rough kids like fuck that dude this lady and her pushy are locked in the bathroom i'm gonna go to the statue of liberty myself and he goes and they're like they're not referencing this but i wish they did because

of the way the original scene goes, he's crawling all over the top of the Statue of Liberty. Like, he crawls out of the crown and he's on top of it. And they're doing some, like, really bad green screening rear projection shit. And I was like, oh,

maybe this could be like the final scene in Hitchcock's Sabatour, and this kid will fall to his fucking death. That would be amazing. In reality, the original has the kid climbing the Eiffel Tower in one seat. Of course, yeah. And then this is a whole fucking thing.

Also, though, that kid would be shot dead. Oh, yeah. Also, you know, you can't crawl out the fucking top of the Statue of Liberty. It's not like the Ghostbusters

where they were hanging out of that crown too. You get up there, it's fucking four little windows and you're like, fuck, I waited in line for this. And yeah,

you do, you put jelly on the sides of the inside of the of the Statue of Liberty. It won't dance. I have, sorry tourists,

it won't dance. Ooh, Mythbusters. I spent my entire tax return on smuckers. I know what I'm talking. talking about. Dude, tax tax refunds, man.

We're out of our mid-20s. We don't get those no more. So he winds up, but one of the things is the reason he's in New York is like his chief to become a man, he has to like get the fire from the Statue of Liberty for some.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's whatever. The chief of this village, Tim Allen kept calling the skipper. So they go to this sketchy Russian meeting. David Ogden Steers is being scary. Tim Allen's like, get the fuck out of here. He's like, we're going to leave.

He's like, Martin Short, do not sell these stocks to these Russian mobsters. I don't want to end up dead. They want to also, like, launder money for them or something. Martin Short's, like, does this, apparently? Well, I thought the whole thing was, like, they bought these coffee futures, and then coffee was tanking. And they're trying to secretly offload them without them, without the mafia knowing that it's tanking. Yes. And so basically, David Allen & Stee's buys a million dollars worth.

He gives Martin Short a million dollars in cash. And now that's happening in this movie. And I'm like, what the fuck? That was kind of, I hesitate to use legitimate laugh. But when, because, like, Tim Allen realizes what's going on in this scene. He's, like, not happy that they're involved in the mafia. Sure. And the guy, like, sets down the suitcase and opens it.

And it's just, like, loose bills everywhere. And he just turns to Martin Short. I don't remember exactly what the line is, but it's like, cash, great. Yeah. And I was like, that's, oh, fuck you, Tim Allen. That's kind of funny. He could do some stuff sometimes. Well, most of his talents are yelling.

Yeah, he doesn't really have jokes. He just yells in different voices. That's why his best movies, what's that? Red Belt. Oh. No, Galaxy Quest. Yeah, Galaxy Quest. Martin Short, you know, does the thing.

He sells all these stocks. At some point, Lolita Divinovich gets tired of Tim Allen. I think it's got to do with... I think it's after the poochy, poochy incidents. It's that. And then, like, they... She's like, we need some time alone.

So now, like, he dumps this kid off with Martin. Short. And I'm like, what? And now Martin Short has a whole fucking family that I have to be. Like, what about Bob and I'm meeting the family? Dude, it's insane. It's Lili Sobieski. It's the woman from that episode of Seinfeld where George breaks up with

her. He calls her pretentious. Yeah, she's doing Jerry's accounting stuff because he's getting audited. She goes to the nunhouse. Yes, and she's in a bunch of stuff. Senior trip. She's Matt Furwer's love interest in senior trip. Oh, wow. And Matt Fuhr, that's just, wow, that's just the 90s right there. Yes. So, I love Matt Fuhrer.

And there's this kid, there's a young boy who plays his son, who I went to high school with. Get out of chat. Yeah, man. I mean, I knew that in advance. Yeah, just for the show. No, we were just asking you to please leave and get out of town. So what was this kid like in science class? I know, he was younger than me.

It was like two years younger than me. So I didn't deal with it. Like, I didn't, you bullied him, though, right? Like relentlessly. You beat the shit out of this kid, right? I was not a bully in high school. He was your locker meat. Dude.

Just when you. It's a kid that you shove in lockers, right? You know that he's, uh, this kid, because this kid is suppressing a ferocious Bronx accent this entire time. Oh my God, dude. That accent is yearning to break free. It's like a lion roar. It's like to come through. Hey, hey there, Mr. Taylor. Can I get you autograph on this here, uh, pizza box? I mean, it's, it's fucking great, dude, because, you know, people in our inner circle will know, like, if you get some, some alcohol in Steve Sadek and you put him in close proximity to his,

brother, who's a great guy. Sure. But Mark Sadek was not so concerned about growing up to cover up his accent. Steve Sadak has sort of eradicated it in public life, but boy, will it come to life? I'm not, yeah, it's probably, yeah. Is it a conscious thing? Do you, like,

listen to, like, Canadians talk? That's why I say you've boot so much. Do you, like, study Pat Kiernan from a far? Like a monk. It's kind of interesting, because when I go home, and I with my family, my trash accent comes out. yeah you are half trash yes

on my father's side um it's just wait is this so wait is his introduction before or after they bond at Jill Stein's band's party oh no this thing oh my god

you nailed it dude you nailed it I was like where is this music coming from this movie just stops dead like they're just running out I think it's a Washington Square Park I thought it was central oh central park It's the big CP, dude.

Okay. This fucking song, man. And, like, it's right after the Russian mafia's scene. And, like, it's just this jam band. They have two lyrics. Two lyrics. Yes. It's what, uh, oh, no, I don't know what it is.

Do you have it? It's my life. I do what I want. Yes. That's the same over. It's my life. I do what I want. You know what it is?

I mean, Chris Cabin. It's my life. I do what I want. That's what it is on a loop. Chris nailed it with Jill Stein's band, but it reminded me of all the fucking bullshit dancing and singing. You see these people doing in Wild, Wild Country. Yeah.

Just all of that gesticulating. And like if we weren't in this massive public park, we'd be fucking. Sure. And it's just like all these like New York types. Like April Ferreira's there in a fucking red Hawaiian shirt. I think it's sort of trying to be this. 45 is there. It's the most ambitious

crossover our time. Baskiat's hanging out. Bernie Gets is there. Look out everybody. Here comes. Bernie coming. Train party next. No, but they, I think

this is sort of the mission statement of this Mishmash movie where it's supposed to be like, you know what? Family is, whatever you find, man. You know, like one of those kinds of bullshit? Well, because these are all lost souls. They're Manhattan's lost souls. And he teaches Tim Allen had to dance a little bit.

And boy, oh boy, you can just look at Tim Allen in this scene. He's like, oh, boy, hope nobody thinks I'm gay. He's doing the old Utah one step. So they wind up sending Mimisiku there while Tim Allen tries to save his wedding or whatever nonsense is going on. And at this point, like the kid starts fucking up Martin Shorts House while he's not around. Fucking it up big time. He eats all of Martin shorts, incredibly expensive fish.

And I mean, like, it's fish. And I know that's a joke, but, like, those were his pets. He had an emotional bond with these bitch. Maybe a sign. Yeah, yeah. Or, like, a bigger, like, a fucking, like, because it was just a normal, like, aquarium. It wasn't, like, a really nice one that you would house $5,000. Well, that's the thing.

It's just a regular degular to use a Steve Zadek expression. Fish tank, right? It's not the fish tank that you would own if you were fucking these fish, which is, I think, what this is. character is supposed to be doing. Yes. Well, you, yeah. So it's like these small fish that get eaten and destroyed.

And then he, he's moaning that it's like $10,000 that's how much these fish costs. That's just for the insurance guy. He's like laying it out there for everyone. That's, that's fair. And so, and like he starts to flirt with Lily Sobiaski there. They go all the way. Are you kidding me? That's the breaking point.

When Martin Short's like, okay, you fuck up my house, you fuck up my fish. And now you fuck my kid. it's really there I mean they wait they're fucking making out on this part on this bench out making out hard dude and they they sleep together all night there

yeah yeah they go the mother is definitely implying like like oh you know I guess it's good that you know the first time happened here that's what she does have that great line of it well if it had to happen at least it happened at the house yeah they go

and she starts they smoke a cigarette and she starts singing Lord kind of a cappella. That's right. And then all of a sudden, you know, Martin Shorts, like, get the fuck out of my house. Like, well, you know what's going to happen. March Short.

First, their legs will stop working. Then, how does that work there in killing of the sacred deer? I think it's, yeah, their legs will stop working. Yeah. Then they won't, they refuse to eat. Yes, yes. They'll refuse to eat.

Yeah. They won't want to go to the hospital. And bleeding. Yeah, it's the last one. Yeah, it's the last one. And then that's going to happen. So that's, yeah, that's the curse that's me as me as secret. I mean, that's the,

Honestly, this is just like the beginning of American honey. Oh, man, Mimi Ziku and fucking Lili Zobiaski are going around selling bogus magazine subscriptions. Yes, please. Oh, yes, please. Yeah, it's like a sensual fish grabbing scene. Well, so Mimi Ziku's trying to do right by Martin Short here. He's like, oh, this fucking idiot got peeved about the fish incident. So let me go replace these fish.

So he's doing some classic grade A swamp fishing. Yes, sure. He's like standing in this. I guess it's a lake behind their house or some of shit and he's just got this bucket and he's catching fish with his hands. This is like a magical pond in Zelda.

There's trout and bass. And they're just all there. It's amazing. I think the founder youth is back there. And then like Lili Seabiaski's like, what are you doing? And like he goes behind her and he shows her how to do it.

And I'm going to go. He goes behind her. Oh, my darling. Like it's the scene from ghosts, switch out pottery, put in hands. Man fishing. He wakes up, Martin Short wakes up and finds these two kids in a fucking cot together and he's like, you know what,

man, catch him in cot with a goblin. They're like intertwined. Yes. Well, how else are you sleeping in a cot, man? So that a cut hammock. But I'm saying, dude. Fully clothed, by the way. Okay, but you're come on, dude. Dude, a nice warm Connecticut evening. First of all, this kid

doesn't wear clothes. Yeah. So, oh, wait, he's got pants at this time. Yeah, he wakes up. He's wearing a fucking big dog to you. He doesn't know, but But he doesn't know. Mimisiku does not know, like, a post-firsthandgy protocol. Like, the girl should know enough to be like, I got to go back up to my bedroom, go under my fucking bed and just fucking sleep.

Cover it up. But listen, you're young, you're full, you're jacked full of hormones. Sure. And your genitals are rubbing up against each other all night long. You just did some hand fishing. After this sensual hand fishing. we go directly to they go to meet with the Russians again

and David Ogden Steers takes out a fucking hand of black cabiar and shoves it in their face and they don't want it that's symbolism you know you pregnant oh and he pulls it right out of the fish A thoughtful movie

A thoughtful movie There's a bullshit part right there where they're like Ahama ha'ma hama let's get out of here It's the mama mafia and they leave and Martin Short it's kind of like hilarious like New York now, New York then kind of a thing

because they're basically filming this. You can see Manhattan from where they are. It's basically like the Brooklyn Navy Yards and Martin Short has some line about like oh yeah you left me in this terrible neighborhood Tim Allen because Tim Allen like peels out whatnot and I was like you know nowadays you got to make like

seven figures to live on that waterfront. Seven figures to walk on that waterfront. Yeah I got arrested the other day man. I only made fucking five figures. They kick me right out. The, what do you call there? So what they do is they wind up, they buy back

all the, because basically Martin Short gets a thing in cash for the stocks and it's like, look, it's just the same suitcase, isn't it? Like, they didn't do anything with it. He gives it back to the Russians because the stock drops even more. It's worthless. He's like, here, look, I'll give you the million bucks you did. We'll just call it even. They did.

And then the stock soars again. Right. And now David Argonsteris thinks he's being ripped off. At some point, Tim Allen knocks the cat out with the blow dart, and he makes, this is when he makes a, oh, no. Because I think someone on set was like, hey, Tim, when are you going to do it? Do the thing. When are you going to do it? Okay, no, no, that's great.

This is not the scene to do it, but you are going to do it. You're going to grow in like a dog, right? Tim, you know, the guy who plays Wilson didn't like the themes of this movie. So we couldn't get him. Could you do a good old grunt for us, buddy? I mean, they, I mean, this can't, what if, instead of Martin Short, what if Richard, Richard Kahn was here? What about that? Oh, man, this movie could have used some Karn kindness.

I agree with that, 110%. Totally. So is, this is the same year as there's something about Mary? Because it's almost the same scene. 97? Yeah, we'll think so. Puppet animal trauma kind of thing. Yeah, when Ben Stiller's trying to get the dog back to life.

We're going to, I'm going to start looking stuff. There's something about Mary was 1998. I stole from this movie and Twister 58 minutes ago we were talking about 26 Oh shit

People remember they got memories Why don't you check Dante's Peak Just while you're at it I think that is Chris Cabin I think you might have hit 97 I think that's 97 Anybody getting boiled in a hot spring In this movie

Edward's Peak stay tuned 97 Dante's Peak Motherfucker And Edward Snowden is a robot So whatever he knocks his cat out I think this is what kind of like makes what's her face upset

and like I don't know No Lolita Davidovich does not notice this it's this whole gag where like they're hanging out of the apartment they're having a real staycation because she's like fed up with this kid hanging around so having like a romantic night in so she's in the robe and whatnot

and she's like oh let me go change into something more comfortable and at first I was like that robe looks pretty oh fucking I got it and she's showing her Disney tits all over this movie absolutely so then Tim Allen produces two of the ugliest champagne flutes I've ever seen in my life and they're like it's they're terrible

just look at them it's fucking terrible trust me on this they're awful are you in the Dowager not pleased dude they're fucking gross just look at them so he's like I'm gonna pour some champagne will hang out and he's like obsessed with this fucking blow dart gun right so he like

goes to shoot it he hits they've got a gong in the apartment like you would in the 1990s because they are beetle juice yuppies they are exactly beetle juice yuppies And it, like, dings off all sorts of Asian art around this apartment and then just hits this cat, like, square in the heart and falls down. And then we just have Tim Allen, like, physical comedy with this stuffed animal. She never sees it, though.

What happens is, like, we caught away to another scene back at Martin Shretzhaus. And in the interim, they fucking have a great night. And then when we get back to them, it's just Tim Allen being like, oh, cat, you were out cold. Rough, rough, rough. I fucked that woman. That cat would be dead, by the way. If it would knock out a grown man, it would kill a cat. D-E-D dead.

I mean, they're killing birds with it earlier in the film as well. The cat would be dead. So Martin Short's like, oh, my God, the mafia is coming over here because basically they feel, what do you call it? They got scammed. They got scammed because now the stock is soaring. And their liaison was like, they broke every bone in his body. Like, these are some serious dudes. This dude is in stuff, right?

This guy who keeps getting beat up. He's one of the lawyers in private parts. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. thing I remember, but he's been a bunch of He's just one of those dudes who's probably in a Sonic commercial or two. He's been like a father in

500 episodes of Law & Order. This might have been a good role for Richard Cohn. Oh yeah. Keep him in there. Fuck, dude. Yeah. You know, like, oh, Tim, I got my arm broke. You know, I can't act. Could you give me a bone here? It's a good escalating gag in the movie, though,

because like every time you see this dude, he's got more casts on his limbs. It's a Nordberg joke. It is. Yeah, you're totally right, actually. Steve is looking at me with shooting daggers. No, in Norbert joke, you fuck. You get that reference, fuck.

They are stealing from Norberg. American crime story, the trial of Richard Carr. Oh, fuck, if they found out that Richard Carn murdered, like, some family feud family? Dude, check the basement, man. There was a mass grave in there. That hose commercial he was doing? Who knows what he's doing with that? Hose?

Yeah, he was like hawk at hoses for a while. stenda hose. Because he's like, he's gobbling up Bob Vila's scrapped. Yes, exactly. That stinks. So is he dead? Richard Kahn. Bob Vila. No, don't even joke about Richard Kahn. Bob Vila.

Bob Vila is still doing commercials sometimes. Oh, good for him. They, um, classic, sorry to interrupt, but classic. This old house. Classic, dude. Yeah, I, you know, the classic was better than the new ones. Shit, man. This is the one where he fucking fixes that

door, look out. And, nerd, the this old house is on. I told you before, I don't like watching the old one. It's just the new ones are bust. That's a stupid fucking faucet. Get rid of that, Bob, you know? Stupid fucking

faucet. Oh, those renters are going to take them over their budget big time. How about a smart house? What if there was a key card to open the door? Shut up, nerd. There's not enough hams in the refrigerator. But I picked up hams lamb's

last week. Now, Steve, you mentioned the idea of Edward Snowden being a robot. Yeah, yeah. I was just thinking about it a second ago. He would be an amazing C3PO. Oh, fuck, yeah. When Tony Daniels gives it up. Yeah, take a knee, Daniels.

Snowden's time to shine. Just film Star Wars. Record it over Skype. That's the only way I'm allowed back in the country is if I dress a C3PO full time. And by the way, Chris Cabin, no. he needs to get in that fucking suit. Oh, well, absolutely. There is a thing, sorry, so there's a thing here where Martin Short,

he's flipping out about the mafia coming to his house, but he's also peaved at the kid what we're thinking he diddle his daughter and whatnot. But he has a line here where he says that the kid ate $10,000 in sushi. Oh, yeah. But I was like, I saw what went down and he totally cooked them fish over a fire. Yeah. So that's just another ignorant white people joke. Well, he also does... Ding, put it on the board.

Anything that has to do with fish is elitism. That's like the whole thing with these fuckers. Yep, totally. And, but like, yeah. You ever eat fucking carp? Nothing elite about carp. See, in the 90s, we were like cheeseburger rich. Yeah.

Now we're like fish rich. Stakes and cheeseburgers back then. Right, yeah, exactly. Steak, super well done steak, a shrub steak. It was the finest meal you could eat. Well, it's true, though. It's like, yeah, now we're much more international foods. Like, there's, you know, like, we'll eat Indian food now.

Like, people know what food is. People do know what food is. But instead of just cheeseburgers and anyone who ate sushi was a weird fru-frou, what? Exactly, yeah. But that's kind of where this is going, though, right? It's like, that savage ate sushi. And you're just like, can everybody just shut up? Tim Allen shows up.

The mafia's on its way. And Lily Sobieski, because I think Martin Short threatens to send her to an all-girls camp. Yes. Yeah, he sure does. And, like, he's trying to open her door. He's going to fucking dictate this young woman's development. I'll tell you what. He's running right into a door over and over again.

He can't do it because he's small Martin Short. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Listen, it sucks, but it's funny. It's Martin Short being funny. I actually think your classmate has the best line. line here. Oh, here, cool. This is when the Bronx accent comes up. So he winds up, and you have

to do it when you say it. Of course. Tim Allen, Tim Allen comes out and they're like, what if we both do the door at the same time? Right. They do, and at that point Mimesee was like, oh, Babu is here, my dad. So he opens the door and they run through it and they go

off a ledge and into a balcony, into a gazebo. They fucking DeVon Dudley, this picnic table. I've never seen anything like this, man. They both go through this table the same time. I was like, My God! Get him out on this dead! Someone should be dead.

There should be at least an ambulance involved now because this is insane. If you house a picnic table from above like that. And it's a wooden picnic table. It's legit. It's not like a plastic one. This thing is turned to sawdust. I'm not sure if you're dead, but you're definitely not getting up. Your bones are shattered.

You're not getting up and making jokes about it. So he falls over. And this kid who's not been a character in the movie, He's like, whoa, awesome fall, dad. Like, it's just like, awesome. Awesome is a hard one for me. I got to go, I have to say, awesome. That's awesome.

I want to say awesome. And I let that freak flag fly, though, dude. I say awesome. Awesome. Awesome. You got a shift to terrific there. That's terrific. That's all my Austrian accent really will come out if I say, awesome.

So I say terrific. But then fall, too. It's awesome. The fall. Oh, my God. What a spaghetti. Any sauce fell out of that kid's mouth. Well, that wasn't my favorite lines.

Oh, shit. Enlighten us. When they're trying to knock down the door, the kid, of course, because it opens up such a door to this kid. He's like, let's smoke them out. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, secret pyromaniac. Yeah, Martin Short would definitely produce a kid who is a pyromaniac.

And that gives that kid something, right? Imagine that was a gag from the jump. This kid just keeps lighten fires. Martin Short's freaking out about it. Absolutely. Dad, I just looted on the fucking fire. And it wouldn't be fire. I mean, father, I am with fire.

His nose starts bleeding. Jesus. You know what? Tim, I can't do it. Okay? I can't fucking do it. All right? I'm sorry.

I'm fucking sorry. I got fucking Arthur Avenue of my goddamn fucking veins, you piece. and you know what Tim Allen while I'm on it you're fucking racist bro that show is garbage yo your son's got a herb haircut yo yo JTT's got a herb haircut I'd muff that kid dude I can't even fuck

dude I haven't heard someone called a herb in like 12 years oh yeah you know Mr. Allen I haven't had sauce in like 24 hours could you do something about that it's like you know how you get tired when you don't use the N word after 13 hours, dude, I am fucking running on fumes with this sauce. You also have to make it from scratch.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, none of that progressed. I'm going to drink some fucking prego. Raggo. By the way, it's fucking... It's brick as balls out of here. Why am I not wearing a fucking shirt? Who's his pito direct to me? And that's something that's never addressed. It's like, the Martin

Short Sun starts looking up to this kid. Yeah. And he's running around nude like this guy. Yeah, I don't know, dude. There needs to be something where, like, this kid does something that he sees. Yes. You know, maybe make out with his sister. Yeah, do tongue kiss his sister? Oh, fuck.

It's like I'm in fucking Arkansas all over here. Making on my sister. Kiss kiss, kiss sobiesky. So, uh, she, the mafia shows up. Yeah. Fucking final. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

Oh, no, that's the Russians. It's not the Morris Park crew. No. So they, uh, those are some fucking pipe. hitting kosanostra. So they wind up breaking into his house and they like seize the house

but Tim Allen and Mimi Siku are not in the house at the time. Right. So it's like up to them to save the day. Martin Shorts gives him back to stocks but they tie him to a chair. Anyway, I thought they were going to cut his dick off, man. I was hoping for it.

David Agen Steers is just like, you'll not have any more children. Right in front of his fucking family. Oh, dude, yeah, just fucking cut this dude's balls up. feed it to him too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen to me, Mr. Allen. Are you actually telling me that David Ogden Steers

isn't part of the Russian mafia at a Sunset Park? We got deals with those people, okay? This kid's worried that his on-screen performance is going to upset some IRL mafia relations. How many theaters is this coming out? What hotel are you putting me up in in fucking Idaho when this movie comes out? I got to eat fucking egg noodles like a schnook.

What is Hollywood's version of the Witness Protection Organization? So they kind of seize the day. They come in. This is the weirdest part of this movie. I feel like Martin Short. It is very weird. I feel like Martin Short didn't like this kid because he keeps being like, bite him, Tommy.

Bite him with your crooked teeth. And you look at this kid's mouth. That's kind of fucked up because he's like, whatever. Yeah, dude, it looks like that when Lisa Simpson has that nightmare about getting braces or when they're showing in the computer simulation and the tooth goes through her lip.

But like it's like you're fucking crooked teeth and this kid's like oh fuck a mom. You think of you're on SC TV you can tell me what the fuck's up? That's another good line though is when his father

the short says that and then he's like no offense. He's like, none taken. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. But no nah,

none taken. Oh, come on Martin Short. I'm trying to go out of those rainbow cookies. You're going to be a fucking dick now. Shit, bro. I said I like Clifford. I didn't even like Clifford. Have you ever tried Los Angeles sausage versus New York sausage?

Oh, man, you can't do that. It's the water. Crooked teeth. You got to have crooked teeth like fucking bat. Give me a fucking crooked dick. Yo, you know the jerk, right? You know the jerk. So they wind up.

They win the day. Thanks a that spider, dude. It is the spider's movie. Yes, by the way, we did. Did we mention that there's like a 20 minute sequence of that spider at the office that's chase? It's unbeknownst to the boss. It's crawling all over him.

And Alan has to like yell to get the spider to chase him to leave the office. That's where he uses that fucking chili con fuego line. Because he's like, he's basically saying like, hey boss, remember when I was like screaming a second ago? it's because I had to take a fiery shit. Violent shit. I've used that excuse too many times. Sorry for all that profanity in the meeting.

I did take a violent shit. Boy, Steve, have you ever heard of a story called The Boy Who Cried Wolf? The boy who cried fiery diarrhea. One day you will have a violent shit and you will need that excuse. They wind up winning the day. David on the mysterious is terrible out of spiders.

And this spider, am I right here? The spider is like on his head. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, wait. He was one of the bravest actors. I would not allow it. No way. I would be like I'm not, first of all, I'm not appearing in this movie. A puppet that big? No way.

No, that's not a fucking puppet cabin. That's the real deal. Spider trainers, dude. Oh, yeah, that's that. You know those are weird people. Oh, how much you make is a spider trainer? No, seriously, though. That's pretty good.

It did. That's pretty good. Is that her guild for that? Bro, do you have to go to college for that or what? when I was when I was a kid I went to a this is spider school it's sort of like that you don't see in a second

not really but I went to like a camp like a day camp situation up in the you know the hippie dippy cat skills and the guy that led the nature walks that you were supposed to go on to was like hey kids

my name's spider oh really yes were you in bushwhacked yes you tried to wander around the woods with a guy named Spider and he had like a soul patch anyway

that's all right dude remember that one time we did karaoke and that dude was there who called himself Spider Jones that was sussiting I think he's not the same guy

by the way if you're wondering if there was some type of romandered back in here no spider Jones definitely was a 40 year old man in Ozone Park that lived with his mother

Siska haven't heard that name in years that was the night Chris Cabin and Eric Siska saying girls just want to have fun. It's one of the best things I've ever seen in my life. It was a great night and you all missed out on not being there. I'm sorry that you weren't at The Quiet Man in Ozone Park that random night in 2008. I'm also sorry.

We're never going to get to the end of this movie. No, it's not going to happen. I'm doing my best, everybody. All right, Steve Saneck. I've got the breaks right here. Take us home. So no, the Russian mafia cowardly and comically runs away, which is not how this ends. No, we're cutting dicks off.

No, I mean, they might leave now. Okay, sure. Yeah, we'll leave you now. Bye. And then, like, they come back and everybody's dead. Totally. Your parents, your parents, friends, the whole thing. Everything goes down.

The male man, that dude's dead. Mm-hmm. So. Shove his head in a pizza oven. So at this point, Mimi's Secret just kind of is like, yo, dude, don't want to go home. And it's like, it doesn't have a, no. I got to get out of here. Get to Caracas.

Well, that's one of the things that could have been, right? She's like, maybe she's like, I don't want a boyfriend. I'm just a kid. Like, whatever. And he's like, heartbroken or, you know, whatever. It has no effect on anything. He's just like, I miss the tribe. Okay.

So he's like, I'm going to go. So he goes, Tim Allen sees him off. He gives him a Statue of Liberty lighter. And it's like, dude, this is, this is so. Irresponsible? Well, yes. But 1,000% pre 9-11. We are talking, walking your,

your guest to the gate. Sure. We are talking lighter on a plane. We're talking about a bow and arrow. We're talking about a bow and arrow out in the open, the ever-loving open. Dude, that is not an overhead compartment item. And a possible poisonous spider.

Yeah, and deadly blow darts that one of them hits fucking Martin Short's wife in the head. Dude, headshot Tim Allen fucking takes that woman out. It's outrageous. So he sees him goodbye and like, Tim Allen's like, oh, boy. He has one more scene with a little. Luda Divinovich, where it's like, why don't we, you know, go on a vacation together, just you and me and we'll have...

He's trying to make it work. And she's like, she's got the whole film crew there. She's like, ooh, that's not going to work for us this day or that day. And he's like, yeah, I guess I know where this is going. End of that entire relationship. Everybody's out of the movie. There's no, like, blow up or like, hey, you'll be better off without me. You do that stupid thing when they have an amicable breakup.

Like, nothing. There should be something. And listen, here's the thing. Like, this movie is already one hour and fucking 45 ever-loving. minute. Sure. Give me an extra five to get all this stuff in here. You're already pushing two hours. You already fucked it up. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, you got to fill in these blanks, man. And then he goes to work. What's your call it? Maybe he could give him a blow dart gun. Right. A blow dart gun. And he's like, if you catch a spot. I'm glad that ended it in dart gun. Yeah, what a way to say goodbye. He was.

That's disgusting. It's Patreon. Oh, it's been. Patreon. It's done bin Patreon this week. And this has been Patreon. He's like, if you ever catch a fly with the blow dark gun, you could become a member of the tribe. Right. He's a fly

on his boss's back and he blows it and his boss falls down. And this is, I got to tell you right now, this is some fucking cowardly filmmaking. Because did you notice what's going on here? So they're down on the trading floor. It's the boss, Martin Short, and Tim Allen. And the boss is walking with Martin Short.

He's happy with them now because they made all the money. Yeah, the coffee money came back. Everybody's fine. Tim Allen notices the spider flying or a fly flying around and it lands on the boss's back. And Tim Allen wants to take the shot to get this to get this. Take the shot. To get his son's good graces, right? But the way the movie, this, I feel this is a Disney move right here. They're like, Tim Allen can't just shoot this boss in the back. You know, unjustified. So what they do is there is some. embarrassingly lazy ADR where this boss you don't see it's all from behind he's got his arm around Martin Short and it's all this ADR about how like Martin Short's the best

and Tim Allen's a piece of shit and it's like there's the justification yeah so did you who liked the fact that Tim Allen killed his boss at the end did you think the funeral scene was too much oh oh okay so would you rather so it's like a you know it's a yes or no kind of thing

Would you rather Tim Allen's boss says a couple of kind of mean things about it, right? And Tim Allen is clearly out of earshot, so it's just for you all in the audience. Following that logic, would you just like a movie about bosses being killed? Because that's what I'm getting from these cars. That looks like right through the roof, Jim. So then he flees to Caracas to not be charged. Yes, I think so. And I think that's why Martin Short comes with him as the Russian mafia, like, killed the grandmother last week.

You know what I mean? Exactly. Martin Short opened the fucking freezer and Grandma Nona's head was inside it, dude. Because like, you know, we cut to Caracas and, you know, it's on the beach and like

Tim Allen gives him a cell phone and he gets a call. Sat phone. A sat phone. It's got to be sat. He picks up the phone. He's like, oh, hey, dad. How's it going?

He's like, look behind you. And there he is. Oh. Tim Allen, he's in a fucking Searsucker's suit. What are we doing? Put a pair of shirt on. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, please. Shorts in a t-shirt at this point. He winds up and he's like, oh, I wish Lily Sobyski's here. He's like, well, you know what, Jr. Look over there. And the whole fucking Short is family there? That's weird. And also they're doing like a really bad, like this family isn't used to this environment, mainly Martin Short because he's got like the super sunscreen on the nose only.

Captain Ron in 15 seconds. Oh, you're so right. I think it's also like a sequel. Like Martin Shorts looking at this part of the script. He's like, this all seems very familiar. And you know, it's another tough word for a young, a young scrappy kid from the Bronx. Yeah. Nauseous or nauseous.

Oh, dad, I'm so nauseous on this boat. Oh, my wrong is boat. It's so great. Yeah, it's this poor kid. Yeah, he did his best. So, and that's, then we go to credits. And it's like, but the weird thing is like, You're going to stay forever.

He's like, oh, I'll stay for a while. That's it. It's kind of great. He's like, well, for a while. Nice, dude. Longish vacation. Still building the out. Always thinking on his feet this, Tim Allen.

And he looks at Joe Beth. Joe Beth Williams, of course. You keep on forgetting her name. Yeah, she looks, because I want to say Marybeth, but I don't. She looks at him like, you kind of made it. And he gives a shoulder shrug. Well, no, dude, it's a little more precise than that. Oh, I see.

Earlier in the film, Tim Allen. when he first goes to the island he sees Mimisiku give a girl in the tribe a pot. Sure. And so Joe Beth Williams explains that in this culture, when you give a pot it's like a sign of love. So Tim Allen rolls up and he's like, rough, rough, rough here, it's a real pot.

Not like your wooden pot savages. And that reveals that Lili Sobieski is actually his sidepiece. Oh, shit. For all of the fucking, you know, romance and everything. He gave his heart to some... this kid down here. But it's, yeah, you're totally right.

But then it's fucked up because the last shot of this movie is Tim Allen, he pulls the pot out of the bag, and Joe Beth Williams is like, divorce is meaningless. And it's like freeze frame on Tim Allen shrugging his shoulders.

Like, I brought a pot because I'm horny. It would be so great if they cut back to her and she was just like in horror. Oh my God. Why would you? And then her girlfriend comes out. Like, who's this guy? I signed the fucking papers

You get back in your boat And go the fuck home I hope you brought that pot to piss in Yes That's it That's the one Let me introduce you to Janine

That would be awesome It would be great Is Janine the name of her vibrator? Sure I introduced a fictional girlfriend Chris and you heard it Oh I thought it was like The friend who was a girl

Oh wait Chris thought he was calling To John Reese Davies Oh, what a good one. And then this movie is... Welcome back to Vibrator Talk. Vibratrat. Room. Tim.

This week we try out the one from shape of water. Ew. That's real. And at the end, I ride a vacuum to see if that gets me off. Oh, fuck. Oh, but so then they have the audacity

to have like a slight stinger scene here. Yeah. Tim Allen is becoming a member of the tribe and he's got to like put his hand over the... You know what? That's the poster. You have not paid off the poster until the end credits. Do you think I feel like this was the thing where they had made the movie was done,

they made the poster and then it was like, oh fuck, that's super racist, better justify it. And then they added this scene. Did anybody get a note on Tim Allen's hair length at this point? Oh, yeah, that's a good point. Could be a reshoot. It's just awful. You got an uncu-gized mustache, baby. Ooh, Tim Allen is Superman.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I guess that's probably for another day. He's, uh, yeah, he grabs the thing and he burns and he goes, oh, my hand! And that's like the end of the movie. Look at my hand! And he's just like, I guess he's just running into the water to cool it off. Nobody seems to really care, which is kind of funny. Yeah, and then we're just back to him.

Well, then, no, he was eaten alive by piranhas. Everybody had a nice time. The last time we see Mimi Siku, by the way, he's totally making out with Lily Sobiesky in that river. nice yeah dude making 13 year olds kiss oh yeah yeah in front of the Disney way

dude in front of that girl who has his pot it's just fucking disgusting oh right the girl's holding the pot like hey the fuck I'm pregnant you piece of shit who's this white bitch you have a whore living in your village

yeah yeah you do yeah oh man and that is jungle the jungle everybody. That's a lot. What a wretched undertaking. That was a toughie. It was a tough one. We had fun with it though, I think. Oh, yeah. A little something. A little something about the movies and about ourselves.

About Bronx accent? Sure. There are a real thing. We learned what is legal and not on Patriots. Would anybody recommend this movie? No, no. I despise Tim Allen and this kind of early 90s Disney Fair or mid-90s,

or it's late 90s now. You know what I mean? That 90s kid movie shit. We've talked about it. This is a bad example of it. Wildly inappropriate. Like, that's the Disney 90s is fucking wildly. Film critic Chris Cabin-Rabin-Rabes wildly inappropriate. Never

watch this movie. Never ever watch this movie. At an hour and 45 minutes, it felt like 17 hours. That's audacious. It is boring as fuck. I also say pass on this one. Most definitely. I will say, I have a

question, two questions. Uh-huh. Not to prolong this episode. Or is it one question with two parts? Or is it two actual two questions? No, I think it's actually two questions. Is Dutch as Joe Beth Williams the best part of this? Yes.

Guaranteed. No, I think Martin Short's the best part, but Joe Beth Williams is right there. Not a lot of screen time for her. Question is, was this movie, is this one of those things that was like popular in the late 90s? If you were of a certain age, are we going to be like, oh, I love

that movie? Is there that? There might be somebody. This was popular with us, right? I'm not popular, but I remember seeing this as a kid. I've never seen this before. Really? I had never seen it in its entirety. I think I caught some of it on TV.

Did you go to see it in the theater? No, I definitely saw it on television. And it was kind of just like, whatever. It was like, I didn't care. Well, that was the thing. I didn't know. I never met the kid from jungle to jungle in my school, but everyone was like, oh, that kid from jungle to jungle just is in our school now.

And I'm like, oh, cool. And I always thought for a long time, it was Sam Huntington. like, he's Jimmy Olson. So I was like, no, it was the other kid. I'm like, oh, okay. But so here's the second question. Can we name a non-toy story Tim Allen movie that we would recommend?

I mean, I'm just going to say Galaxy Quest. I already said Red Belt. Is that the name of it? Yeah, that's the only non-Galaxy Quest. So it's literally only Red Belt that is tolerable. That's, it's him and Chuitel as you for? It's David Mamet. doing a fucking like fighting movie

Chewatelle's in it though right he's the main guy it's pretty interesting it's not great because it's mammoth it's overridden like crazy but um Big Trouble is not a movie I'd do that's a terrible movie I don't know if he's like been

Joe somebody's terrible which is also the same director I think you could probably get away with saying the first Santa Claus movie movie yeah maybe honestly that might be his actual Apex. Yeah, exactly.

Like, technically best movie, maybe. I would still pull for Galaxy Quest, but that's a close second. I would too. I detest the Santa Claus, but like, it's well made

and it's structurally sound. It's a tight story. It makes sense. Yeah, the nuts and bolts are there. Galaxy Quest is probably the best, yes. I think I found something that may rival it, because I remember liking this movie.

No. No, no, no, no, no. That movie, Zoom. Oh, that's a superhero movie? But is this the right one that I'm thinking of that? Oh, no. Is this the thing with Kurt Russell? No, no, sky high.

Oh, never mind. Then fuck it. Hang up on them. Hang up indeed. That is Jungle to Jungle from 1997 directed by John Pasked Queen. Thank you so much for supporting our Patreon and continuing to do so. We greatly appreciate it. Yeah, thanks for that.

We're sorry we put you through Jungle to Jungle, but we hope you had some LARves. Yeah, laugh for two. Hopefully. We already put you through Ghost Rider. This should have been pretty... Yeah, that's actually true. This is a cakewalk at this point. So, and then just to give you a little tease for you subscribers only, what you're going to get next month.

If you made it this long. You did. You made it. I know we're pushing two hours here. There was a lot to cover in Jungle to Jungle. Who would it guess? Well, what with the dissertation on Bronx accent? Oh, sure.

Or detour, not dissertation. No, but so in the month of May, Chris Cabin, what are we bringing to our Patreon? subscribers only and never to the unpaying freeloader public. Johnny Depp's computer ghost, Transcendence. Oh, that movie is a wild ride. It's, oh, it's trash time, and it'll be trash time next month on the Patreon exclusive We Hate Movies episode. Until then, I'm Andrew Jupin.

Steven Seda. Chris Cabin. Eric Siska. Take it easy. That was a HitGum podcast.