We Hate Movies - S12 Ep565: Resident Evil

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

On the season 12 premiere of We Hate Movies, the gang is back and better than ever, ready to tackle the absolutely ridiculous video game adaptation, Resident Evil! What does anyone remember from this film besides the laser hallway scene? How lazy was the writing to give the main character amnesia so she needs everything about the movie explained to her through embarrassing, expository dialogue? And how wretched does that CGI "licker" look? PLUS: The big reveal is finally here—Chris's VHS Trailer Game victory cameo!  Resident Evil stars Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, Eric Mabius, Colin Salmon, Martin Crews, Pasquale Aleardi, Heike Makatsch, Jason Isaacs, and James Purefoy; directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, it is the season 12 premiere of We Hate Movies. And guess what? We're starting off with a video game adaptation. It's Resident Evil. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadak. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello, Hello, Hello, everyone, to we hate movies. Thank you for tuning in, as always. That's right.

We're back. We are back. And better than ever, we are talking about a goddamn Paul W.S. Anderson movie this week. It's Resident Evil from 2002. And it's still as shitty as I remembered it being back then. Isn't it? It's just, I saw this fucking piece of shit twice in theaters. Twice? Hold on.

What was that all about? Well, I should not say. Well, I'm going to say it on this air one. My mom forgot to pick me up that day. And I was like, okay, I'm here for another fucking hour at least. So like, what hell? I'll just stay in Resident Evil. Pretend I went to the bathroom and go right back in.

Got it. And I hated it the first time and I hated it even more the second time. And I was like, what am I doing with my life? And did they ever remember to get you again? Or was this like a theater experience that it was like home alone? Like you were just living in the theater? You lived there for like two weeks. My mother tried to butter me up by buying me a huge Sunday.

But it wasn't what I really wanted. So it didn't work out. In first of 2002, you were like a 17, 18? Yes. I just don't want to do some bad here. You're not like six. No, no, I didn't have the car at the time. Okay, I know.

I mean, hey, look, I've never driven on my life. I just want to be clear that the Sunday makes it sound like, you know. Oh, no, I was doing a Simpsons. Oh, God, I'm sorry. When Homer didn't pick up part. Oh, that's right. But, like, do you think that your opinion about this movie was colored at all by the parental neglect? Well, you see, I thought that was it for a moment because, you know,

it does happen like that. And about what, 10, 12 years ago, I started hearing this absolute fucking nonsense. Paul W.S. Anderson is a great director. And I'm like, yeah, I guess if you really miss Tony Scott movies, maybe this really does help you. I don't know, but I don't get it. I think the reason why people are skewing that way is now is there is no more middle art. It's just like corporate IP, Marvel Disney stuff. Or it's just like Oscar Beatty shit. or there's no in between. Well, somebody, I think it was Steve who was saying earlier about like the fact that this does feel like a video game.

Like what the video game is for, you know, no libraries, no puzzles that take 35 minutes. I was pretty upset about that personally. I don't like that. But like, yeah, like, I guess that's what they like about it is that he does have this certain aesthetic where he can do the video game thing. Like, I like Mortal Kombat.

I like Event Horizon. I think that's his best movie. That's far and away. I actually like Soldier with Kerr. Russell, but maybe that's because of the star. And Monster Hunter this past year, I thought was okay. It's actually pretty fun. But the rest of his movies are pretty

trash. I like his three musketeers. I think it's pretty good. He did a three musketeers movie? I guess who's in that one? Charlie Shane? Mila Jovovic. Oh, you don't say. I just want to be clear.

Surprise, surprise. I want to be clear, one thing, this was supposed to be one of our synergy things where Resident Evil was supposed to come out this week, but the new Resident Evil movie. Welcome to Racco. City.

I don't care if it's... I don't care if it's in the video games. It sounds so fucking stupid to name the major city center. Raccoon City. And to not have at least a couple of raccoons in your movie. I need to see something. A little joke here and there. But the problem is America has been ravaged by the T virus for the last 24 months.

Sure. They moved that down a little bit. We're talking about the video game now. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You should be able to play as a raccoon in one of those videos games. Absolutely. There's a little cheek coat in there or like a buy-in, like Adam thing.

Raccoons, yeah, Raccoon City sounds like, I don't even know, like, a movie that, you know, Michael J. Fox and somebody else is in. It's like a, he's an old, just like a bar. It sounds like raccoon. Welcome to Raccoon City. Sounds a little raw. An ill-conceived attempt at doing like those kitty cafes except for its raccoons. And they're all just stealing your fucking trash the whole time?

No, it's kind of like a Joe Don Baker the pack type movie where the raccoons finally take over. Oh man, dude. With their little human hands. Yeah. And then like the hero can like drive a snow plow and start running them all over.

Yeah, it's Liam Neeson from the snowpaw movie. Yeah, I can't, I can't figure out which one of these the one that killed my partner, but he was wearing a raccoon mask. Yeah, Barb Boone Jr.'s in the woods is the only one who could communicate with the raccoon's. Raccoon City, I like this movie a lot. I think Mark Boone, Jr. in real life, can communicate.

Oh, yeah. They see him as, like, one of their own. What, you don't like eating falafel? Well, you know, you kids don't like eating garbage. Next time I'll just get you their chickpeas. Maybe you'll just like them. Shit. Fucking elitish raccoons.

Funny, but there is no VHS trailer game, but we all have to bow down an S. Chris Cabin's D for a second. He's the big winner. He's the big winner. I believe, but no, no, the, the MC of the ceremonies, I think should be handing out the assing of D's. Okay. I don't think, I don't, I'm just the contestant that lost, you know, the light went dark and now Alex Trebek here has to come out and suck your dick. Oh, bad. Well, no, it's, uh, Mike Richards is coming out to suck my dick, I guess. Or my ambiolic, depending on a prime time situation.

None of that's happening because they all got fired. But Chris Cabin won in dramatic fashion. If you didn't listen to our Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome episode last week, dramatic fashion. He was down to Andrew Dupin. He overtook him in the secret DVD round, shocking. Couldn't believe it. I was very close.

Almost. He was very, Eric was in the game. I was in the running. He could have won. He could have won. It was possible. Yes, it was. The fact that I could have won on that last round

speaks a lot to me. It does. I was a great contest. And Eric is getting in shape for the VHS trailer game, which is going to start very shortly. Not in this episode, but this month there will be a brand new season 12 VHS trailer game.

But as we have been teasing this entire time, Chris Cabin, the big winner, was allowed to go on cameo with the we hate movie slush fund and buy a cameo of his choice. Chris Cabin, what did you do? Oh, I picked Ernie Hudson. It had been my plan for quite some time.

It's just a presence I love. Who was like runner up, would you say? Rudy Giuliani. Is he on it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you sent me. No, yeah. That was too late in the game.

I had already like had plans. If I won, I think that's what it has. Yeah, oh, you absolutely would have done that. But then you'd give it money to Rudy Giuliani. Yeah, that's true. That was going to be a handle of scotch. Eric would have found the one person in Trump's cabinet that was like asking for the most on cameo and be like, this is the guy. I was going to kill myself, but then Eric Sisko bought a cameo and I was able to afford another handle of scotch.

Well, I hope he finds what he's looking for. Oh, yeah, no, you should have like gone on there like get Steve Mnuchin like, hi. It was nice for your trivia game to win. I have money. Goodbye. We're so interesting, those people. Should we do it? Should we play?

You guys should. I've not heard this at all. It's just the audio I have synced up to the soundboard here. So what are we going to do? Do we want to, I can listen to it. Yeah, we can listen to it. Is there any visual cues or no? It's funny to watch Ernie Hudson doing all this.

I will say in the frame grab, when I pulled the audio from it, he's wearing a sleeveless t-shirts. Oh, okay, maybe. Let's, well, we'll watch it. We'll put it into this episode with just audio. We'll watch it later. That sounds great. The video is still there. And here we will.

We should mention that we'll put on YouTube. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So this is Ernie Hudson, Chris Cabin's cameo as the victor of last season's VHS trailer game. Hey, Chris, congratulations. Hi, this is Ernie Hudson. This is Edmore from Ghostbusters, from Oz, the Hand that Rost, the Cradle, the Crow,

I mean, you know, all that stuff. Anyway, I just want to say congratulations, man, on winning the movie trivia game on your podcast. It's pretty extraordinary. I know that you, being the humble person that you are, want to thank all your listeners for all that they bring to it. But I also, I suppose I should say here, Andrew, I know you're winning into the last round, but you're lost, okay?

Chris won, but it's always good to have competition. So nice to see you in the game. You know, Chris has proved. and he has a tool, he has a talent. I know you think the game is rigged by Steve. Not so. You just lost, except, get over. Chris is the winner.

Congratulations, Chris. Just keep on being incredible. Keep on having fun. Keep on busting and kicking butt. Stay up. Stay strong. You guys, stay safe. And, of course, always, guys, keep on busting.

Congratulations, Chris. yeah that was wonderful it's fucking awesome wow I don't know I got tears of my eyes finally Ernie Hudson

you know what he judged it Eric it's not rigged if Ernie Hudson says it's not rigged that's fair okay you know I'm gonna believe him you know what something else to put on my resume

now Ernie Hudson called me a loser by the way if you want to see Ernie Hudson call him a loser go to YouTube.com slash we hate movies. The video will be up. And also, I just want to mention, like, some of our fans got us abusive video a while back. So you can watch that as well. That was also in the running for, I like, I was like, he was so good. We hate movies. We meet again. I do love that he's like, you won your,

it is sort of amazing that the way Ernie Hudson has to get up, like, well, you won your trivia game on your podcast. So that's really something, man. You want a game on your own show, huh? Well, congratulations. Yeah. It's good to talk to my estranged father, Ernie Hudson. Oh, so you had a baseball game you did good at, huh? That's good. Here's an ice cream cone.

Congratulations. Congratulations. That was awesome, Chris. Good, good job. Good on you. Good pick. Thank you. It was also Wayne Knight was high up on the, he was really, I was considering it for a while there.

Also, you know, I mean, here's the thing, Erdy Hudson. And if I'm paying for you, I know you're in Ghostbusters, buddy. You just, just tell me what you. I love when he was reading of his credits. He's like, yeah, all that, you know. Yeah, you know. Yeah, you know, I know you're in Oz, you're great in Oz, all that. You're great and everything.

You're in Hudson. But what is he going to do? Like, say, oh, I know, you all know me from the hand that rocks the cradle. Keep on rocking. Keep on rocking that cradle. Oh. Yeah. I'm glad we inserted that into this episode because, my God, talking about Resident Evil 2002.

You can't do it. You can't do it. This movie is nothing. It's just a dark hallway and people who have amnesia walking down it. And the amnesia thing. So like Milojovich's character and some other guy. James Purfoy, of course. James Pierfoy, England's Thomas Jane, I'd like to big time.

Like just like a go. Yeah, just about. He's exactly that guy. Like, he's really good looking. you think he'd be a huge lead and he's just not. He's like almost perfectly paired with Kevin Bacon on the following.

The show is absolute trash. But like I was like those, you've got a good match there. They're about right on presence. I like Purefoy, man. He was added to the wine show. Like, he's just a delightful present. I like, I loved him on Rome.

He was great on Rome. Yeah, Rome's rules. I think we only watched maybe like five or so episodes of that. And I was like, yeah. Well, then they like at the second season, and they got canceled. They were like, let's just cut ahead like 20 years.

Sure. Oh, is that what happened? Like, they wanted to do the Antony and Cleopatra thing. That was clearly like season three or even four thing. It's like, they got the light in the comedy club.

So they're like, let's just start moving. It's going to cost how much? No. That's too bad. Can you do it in one room? Antonin and Cleopatra in one room. Then we can do that.

We can fund that. But this, so the two of them have, amnesia and it's such a bullshit thing because it's like the way the screenplay like facilitates all this fucking exposition about like what yeah what the umbrella corporation is and what raccoon city's doing yeah the first thing you see on the screen is like it looks like a like an email like reply the incident at raccoon city and then you get voiceover i think it said jason it is it is who you see at the ass end of this movie as that doctor oh i didn't pay attention

He's sort of like, he's sort of like juzes by the frame really quickly. At the beginning of the 21st century, the umbrella corporation became the largest commercial entity in the United States. Nine out of every 10 homes contain its products. Its political and financial influences felt everywhere. They kind of predicted Amazon. They definitely did. Yep. In public, it's, in public, it is the world's leading supplier of computer technology, TV, VCR repair.

Eating an air condition. medical products and health care. Unknown to even its employees, its massive profits are generated by military technology, genetic experimentation, and viral weaponry. And James Cordon. I'm from the Umbrella Corporation.

I'm gonna dress up like a little mouse and wave my fucking gut, dick in your face when you try to drive to work. Oh, don't you like my dick? Don't you like my dick in your face? The hive has been breached in, James Corden is loose. James Corden is loose.

Flush the entire facility with the T-Virus. Oh, no, he's in his cat suit. Oh, no. Oh, no. Flush it now. And then you cut ahead and the city is ruined. Society is over because James Gordon was released. It's just all the different James Corden's from all the stupid roles he's been in just all over the city.

I don't even like, it's not like I wish this guy ill will, but I can't escape him and it's driving me fucking insane. That's the problem. Saturation. Yeah. Yeah. If you only. saw him once or twice a year, it'd be fine. I just like, that guy's kind of sucks, but whatever.

There are plenty of comedic personalities that I don't care for. You're right, Eric. And I could just be like, you know what, I'm just not going to turn on that guy's show and I don't have to worry about it. I'm not the world's biggest Jimmy Fallon fan. I don't have to worry about that guy. But that's the difference unless you take a taxi. Well, that's true. Yeah. Woe

to you if you take a New York City cab, you are taken hostage by Jimmy Fallon. It is like being in an ISIS video for a minute. It's like, I know you stops here in the car stop, but I'm not going to let him unlock the door just yet. We're going to have some fun playing a pop song on a bunch of kids' music room instruments. Oh, oh, what's that a big important business meeting? Well, it's going to have to wait because I'm doing funny shit the cab.

Yeah, don't worry. We'll get you to Lincoln Center. Just move Questlove into the trunk. I mean, so it's like you can avoid that, though. Yes, you can. You really can. This dude, he's fucking popping up in credit card commercials. he's got that goddamn

the offshoot show. Is he doing the carpool karaoke show? I couldn't tell you. Because he does it on his show, but then that spun off into a thing. It was supposed to be a whole other thing. I don't know if it actually happened. I think he's popping up here and there to be like,

we had a lot of fun. Didn't we folks? Bye. He's at awards shows. I mean, it's fucking everywhere. But yeah, I would imagine the umbrella corporation has some stock in James Gordon. I also think all those warning,

like this is what they say they are. That's like the beginning of every Joe Rogan podcast. And like I also think he's probably part of the umbrella corporation at his point. But that's a weird part. He's an op for sure. When you say it's right that they, they kind of rightfully, I mean, it's just that just, you know, you can just game capitalize them out a little bit and be like, well, some corporation is going to come in and take everything.

So it was Amazon. But also like, it's like, you think they make their products, their profits by all the products that nine out of 10 people have. But actually it's military stuff. I was like, well, no, you just told me that everyone buys their shit. So why do they need the military? That's true. Also, like, it would be funny if it was Amazon, but the way they, like, structure it's more like it's Sony and Johnson and Johnson.

Yes, exactly. It's like, they wouldn't, it would be a lot less cool and sexy if it was just like, on the face of it, they just kind of sold everything, kind of online retail, kind of any junk you need. Yeah, I mean, that's what they did. And then there also became a broker for other places. that you don't even know what the fuck you're getting sometimes. You started out buying books from them and suddenly you're buying toilet seats from them. I literally bought a toilet seat off of Amazon.

I got to say quality toilet. Sure. Well, guess what? Now that guy's going to space on your toilet money. I know. Isn't it great? Well, he's going to space because he knows the T virus. He has the T virus somewhere.

It's going to get released. He's trying to get the fuck out, dude. I mean, you know what? These rich people, the cabal, the Illuminati. I think it's kind of real. Maybe they actually released COVID. I mean, they are on their fourth booster of the fucking

T-virus antidote at this point. They are not caring about the T-Byrus. That is something, by the way. If there was a fucking zombie outbreak now and they were like, hey, we have the antidote for the T-virus. You've just got to get this vaccine. The zombie hoard

would continue. I'm going to take my chances becoming a fucking zombie. I don't know what's in this T-virus antidote. And now when all those people are dead, the governments could be like, you know, there's just really not enough people paying into Social Security. Sorry. So now I can't go to the movie theater and bite somebody. Now that's my, I used to go

to the movies and bite people all the time. Now there's rules that I can't go and bite people at the movies. We don't have a society. We can have social, social welfare. Where's corn pop? Corn pop come up here and come up here and do a little, you know, one on one with me. This is America. This is America. We're Americans. We shouldn't be biting people at the movies. I did that once.

They were calling me biting Biden. You know, last week I tried to bite Betty Davis. She didn't like it. She didn't like it at all. But I actually, you know, the hive is kind of a cool. This first scene when it goes tits up. Yeah. It's pretty compelling.

Oh, the elevator doesn't work. The elevator. Yes, the elevator. I thought one of them was the dead. devil or something when his elevator's oh dude and it should have been freak out guy yeah freak out guy in this elevator is the most pathetic character

in this movie let's dial it back a second sir take a breath and stop be in such a baby but I do think that's the one interesting thing about some of what Paul W. Sanderson does have as like a director of ideas he is always kind of hammering the idea

the brave ones die yeah the weak ones survive is that right and a lot of his movies that tends to be something not usually with the main characters but like everything on the periphery suggests like the brave ones who go into the breach are going to die and the weak ones who panic and freak out and sell other

people out are going to survive just like real life you know all the brave ones protesting anti-masks shit they die and us weak guys with the masks live that's true like Joey Valentino whoever that fucking shock jock was who just died from it oh yeah

whatever fucking dickhead that I was. They're all called Joey Valentino. It's like Bill Valentine or something. That sounds right, yeah. Rest and piss. Yeah, you don't get vaccinated or die. Yes.

But the beginning of the movie, I like the color at least. Like there's like... Which one? Black or gray. No, that's what I'm in the beginning. There's like at least blue. You know what I mean? Like when the hive is operational, after it goes down, yes, you're right, Eric.

It just the whole rest of the movie is just dark and gray and nothing. It is pretty impressive, at least. like the hive is like this underground facility like feet feet feet feet feet beneath the surface of the earth and they do like fake windows and shit it's like again it's like Frazier's fucking background is out

this window to make you feel like you are like working in an above ground like skyscraper or whatever but also we're told these people are living here oh yeah it's like the fucking deal with the devil do you make working for this corporation you make a ton of money and you know I guess it's like the Olympic village

everybody's fucking everybody Yeah. But what's the point then, you know, of having money? Well, the fucking is nice. But what's the point of having the money if you don't leave the fucking... I mean, I guess you probably, you probably do like a six month, month, whatever, and then you leave for like two months, three months, whatever. I mean, if you get a... Yeah, if you're working down there for the Umbrella Corporation, you get a month off at Epstein's Island every summer and you're doing just fine. It's a thing. I think it's probably a thing like you work on a cruise ship. You don't even like four months on, three months off, blah, blah, blah, blah, kind of thing. Totally. Totally. Yeah, I can think. Well, actually, another blissful thing about this arrangement, I just realized there's no fucking children down here. That's true. What a fucking vacation that is.

No, but the computer is a little ghost girl. Oh, God. I fucking couldn't stay in this. You're all going to die. Yes. I'm bitish. My grandfather was eight bitish. My father, 16 bitish.

And I am 64 British. Please don't steal my digital crumpets. It will make me very angry. Long live the bitish empire. I just don't understand why a Victorian ghost baby is talking to us in this movie. So in the, in per... When it's actually in working order, where it's like,

you don't have enough credits for the snack machine, dearie, sorry. Oh, I can't sell you that bag of Doritos, tubby. There's not enough quarters in here. You were late for work yesterday. You was masturbating. I see everything. You've hit your pornography limit. No more pornography.

Do you know there better not be pornography limits in the hive, my friend. Oh, my God, when's my shore leave? No! That's how you get a zombie outbreak. Did you be pornography limits in the hive? Absolutely. It's all a wreck and the walls are covered to come. The cums got nowhere to go.

It's a river of cum. This woman's like the fire alarm goes off and it's drowning these scientists in this lab. and they're like, there's no fire. I can imagine that, but with cum. Oh, I mean, they'd be dead much earlier. And yeah, Miller Joavich and her team, they're just janitors. Yeah, they just... We should say this whole thing goes down

because we see a mysterious figure sneaking a bunch of vials of the T-virus and what we learned later is also the antidote for this virus. I love... Spoiler alert, by the way, it's James Purefoy. It doesn't matter. I love the casual toss of the... virus vial to, like, break it in the lab and set this whole thing off? So since it's a spoiler alert, and we're talking about James Prefro, anyway, like, what is

this plan here? Like, I'm going to make them all into zombies, because why? I don't think he knows that, like, the zombie thing is going to happen. Was he just, was he trying to be cool and, like, get it in the waist basket, but it hit the wall instead? Oh, fuck. Sorry. I tried to Zach Morris, this vial of virus and it fucked up.

No, I think it's on purpose to, like, cover his tracks or something, I guess. Possibly. He's trying to, like, bring. down the corporation. Sure. Because he's going to sell the shit on the black market or whatever. Yeah. So the virus has value to be sold. Yeah. So make a distraction to steal it. Let me kill 300 people for no reason. I then give it to someone who's going to kill thousands of people with it, presumably. Yeah. I never understand that the military, and we do this all the time with zombie shit. What is the military application of zombieism? I'll never understand. Movies will tell you that And I think the military is an evil, evil thing.

All militaries are. Definitely. But it doesn't make any logical sense. Like, you know, instead of just bombing people and have them be dead, what if they lived forever and infected everybody and was this an unstoppable mass of nothing? Well, if we weren't there, if it was a place we weren't at all, which is not many places now. Sure. You could just drop it.

If you're not connected by land or water, fucking it's over. I think the thing is what they're looking, the military applications, I think possibly more specifically is how they realize they can make the monster. Sure. And that's like a drop that sucker in like a battlefield or whatever. You know,

like we suggested years ago to do with Jason Voorhe's. I think they also suggested Jason X. Yeah, drop him in a war zone and see what happens. I think the T-Virus could be like, if you get like a James Bond type of guy, you know, to like sneak it. into like Putin's coffee or something. And then that

superpower doesn't really have the chain of command to react to our nuclear first strike. That I think would be a great thing. They wouldn't have the brain to do it. They're just looking for fucking human meat. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Speaking of zombies, just really quickly, have any of you guys seen the trailer for

this new, like, animated reimagining of Night of the Living Dead? I've seen it. It's just... I have not, but it doesn't surprise me. Do they have have big, like, anime eyes now, and everyone's like, this is so nice. It's even worse, dude. No, it's so, it's just

cheap as, it's like proof that idiots will throw money at anything. It looks absolutely fucking terrible, and it's somehow made and coming out. Well, I mean, because it's, that's all, Night of Living Dead is public domain, so you could do it every, I almost worked at a comic book company that was

going to, they folded like three months later, and I could smell it. It was like a line of comic book. about Night of the Living Dead and its offshoots because that's public domain and I was like, uh-huh.

Sure. Sounds great. Can you offer me a salary? Like, no, you'd be a cons? I was like, you know, I'm going to... I feel bad. Your salary is public domain as well. So I had a boring job

and a kind of exciting job thrown at me and I was like, I'll take the boring one and five years later. The Romero estate just let that lapse. There was some, there was some flub. It was kind of like how Freddie Krueger got out of jail. Somebody, like, fucked up registering something properly

and it just went tits up. But I do feel like it was kind of inevitable because, like, I'm not saying the anime fan base and horror fan base, it's not a purple circle necessarily, but it's awfully close. Yeah, sure. So I can see, like,

both fan base would be like, ooh, a new way to waste my time. George Romero, by the way, did a bunch of drafts of this movie was going to direct Resident Evil, ladies and gentlemen. Don't tell me that. And then they,

They were like, oh, that's going to be too gory. That's going to be too probably good. Well, this is a good script. So what are we? I'm not going to do that. That's insane. Like, I mean, think about it, like 2002 or whatever. He wasn't exactly, I mean, like, he didn't come back with Land of the Dead to like 2008 or something.

Oh, 2003 or four, oh, three or four, yeah. It's a whole like George W. Bush movie. That's right. So it's three or four. So that's, it's close. So that movie's pretty good. So that would have been, that would have been what this movie would have been. Yeah, it would have actually said something.

Yes, I think that's also a problem. You don't want to say anything in a movie. It's just weird, though, because, like, the video game is not saying anything. No, so, you know, I mean, I played the first two. I like the first two. Yeah. I was the second one where it's like a cop or something. Yes, the second one.

I remember that because it's got the gun. The gun. I mean, I feel like this was all long game because, like, this was the beginning of me watching like video game movies and being like, I genuinely had more fun watching Super Mario Brothers than any of them. like I genuinely would go back and watch that movie because it's inventive at least. It's dumb as shit and horrible.

Right. But it's inventive. This is just like, it's over. And I'm like, oh, that happened. Also, what does the title mean? Resident Evil? Right? I mean, it doesn't mean anything.

Evil lives here. Yeah, the first game was a man. Was a mansion. Right. So that was a residence. You know what I mean? At the very least, it's an evil and a residence. I could see like doctor, right?

Like, oh, it's Dr. Evil. That's what the name of the fucking thing is, right? He's a resident. He's a new. Doctor? The whole idea in this movie of like the mansion is the cover for the facility. Because you want to, let's just have an underground facility. Why does it have to be a huge house over?

And also why do? So Miloju, we find out later. I mean, obviously the whole thing that sits up. I do like the decapitation of the lady in the elevator, but you want to see it. You know what I mean? It just goes black. I want to see the head go. Don't you like even get a comical doing when it happens?

totally do the elevator ding her head gets stuck in the elevator and that's how that happened that's how that works folks at home if you didn't watch the movie yeah it's kind of like what happens there's a doctor in a hospital scene and i believe the second omen movie dude gets totally fucking cut in half by an elevator but you see it he's fucking gutting out all over the place like tom savini's birthday party i think final destination has one too i'm sure they do yes it's somewhere in there i think there's one but like also this The movie shows us things like a dude gets hit with like a laser fence and falls to pieces. But so much of it is like shit you're not seeing it. I'm sorry. I don't know. It's a fucking R-rated video game zombie movie. Let's do it. Let's do it.

Screen Gems pictures. I could definitely do a, you could definitely see a decapitation. I've seen it in trillions of movie. Oh, there is a decapitation with the laser, one of the lasers. You know what? Yeah, because it's like it goes by and it's like the laser was just that good. You don't even see the cut. Then the head falls off.

Yes. It was still cool, but I agree. I want to see the head get ripped from the fucking body. Because also it's a thing where it's like an elevator accident sort of like that is still like kind of pretty much grounded in reality. Yes, it's visceral. A laser thing. Yeah.

Like, well, that's a science fiction invention. So Milojovich and James Perfoy's cover, their job is they have to pretend to be a couple. Right. And live in this mansion forever, I assume. And just like make sure nobody visits. Yeah. Hi, Neighborhood Association. Get the fuck out.

Your lawn doesn't, I will blow your head off. Yeah, hey, hon, you see that weird sexy couple living down at that mansion? What's going on, you think? I mean, we tried to go give him a welcome basket and, well, they told me to get the F out of there. Oh, geez. You're making this movie so much better. I could use some regular outside people involved in all. Oh, totally.

Yeah. Yeah, I just, I keep CLDC. scientists go in there. I don't think they're coming out there, hon. They go in, they have a little lunch pail and they go inside that mansion. You know, hon, I think maybe we could get into business together selling lab codes to these people. Oh, you remember how we, we were watching Ozark the other night and we were saying they're, we have to find a side hustle, hon. Maybe we can do it with the purefoyce. Yeah, that's what they should be called as the purefoy's too. That couple is sexy. Oh, hey, hon. I'm loving their vibe.

Oh, we saw you coming down your mile-long driveway and liked your energy. Oh, yeah, I like your energy, but also I love all your angel statues. Your whole yard's full of angel statue. I just was wondering, you know, we could, my wife's going to come by. We got hamburgers and spicy ketchup. We're going to come bring it over. And maybe we'll take a little tour around your little angel statue. Spicy ketchup.

Saracha with ketchup now. Can you believe it? Can you believe they just did that? I'm sorry. I'm going to break in here. I was at a bar in Philadelphia during our break. And there was a guy next to me who's out of town and I swear to God.

We're at the bar. And we're just getting drinks. He had, him and his wife had food. And like, the guy is like, excuse me, miss, miss. And she's like, what? It's like, what was in that ketchup? And he's just like, it was a spicy ketchup. Spicy ketchup.

Oh, wow. you have got to bottle this. And she's like, oh, wow, whatever. The next one, she goes away. The next woman is like, excuse me, miss, that spicy ketchup, it's spicy ketchup. It's spicy ketchup. It's so, what is it?

And she's like, I don't know, maybe a little saraj. Just bottle it. You'll just get so much money selling that spicy ketchup. I have to go back to my planet Pluto and they're going to hear all about this. This guy lost his shit over spicy ketchup. was the accent? That was totally the accent. Well, okay, yeah, that makes total sense because from being out there, it's

just a ranch, right? Yeah, there's no, yeah, they don't even have ketchup. Yeah, blue cheese is spicy ranch. Blue cheese is illegal when you want to go west of the Hudson River. What if I put ranch dressing

in my ketchup? I take it the T-virus, that's, I think, what I'm just going to be drinking this from now. on ketchup and ranch. Come along, children. Let me tell you about the wonderful city of Philadelphia and their

spicy ketchup. At the start of the 21st century, the Condiment Corporation. Oh, here's the Heinz Company. This is where they spice-sify the ketchup. Oh, that's too spicy. But she wakes up totally naked as Milojo.

That is kind of her calling card. is waking up naked in a room. As an actress, similar fifth element vibe there. Very similar. Yeah, she wakes up naked in a shower and she doesn't know who she is. They do some good telegraphing that she doesn't know. She's like looking at like pictures.

She doesn't understand. I do love there's a note that says, today is the day all your dreams come true. And then she's like, did I write that? She doesn't write it or something. That's not my handwriting. Oh, that's what she's doing? I did not fucking understand why she was writing down the message.

And then she gets dressed like she's going to an Eva Essence concert. Well, that's the weird thing. She opens, there's a dress laid out for us. It's a crazy red dress. And then she opens a drawer and there's all these

white lab coat stuff and like shirts and stuff. That's what I would put on. Like, you know what I mean? I don't know where I'm going. Yeah, why are you putting on this cocktail dress? She's just like casually walking around the kitchen

making breakfast. Wake me out. Wake me out. Say, make me. Get these eggs on a plate. And where did I put that spicy ketchup? Oh, wow. Dead sexy couples having spicy ketchup seven nights a week on.

That guy just camps outside of the restaurant saying, you have got to try this spicy ketchup they got in there. Ask for double. I told him to bottle it. Million dollar idea. They didn't seem to listen. Sitting out of gold mine with this spicy ketchup. This is pretty amazing.

because you could buy, like at least in some supermarkets, you can even get spicy gas. You can get like Tabasco and Heinz combined. No, you can't take this person to a supermarket and show them that their head will explode. That'll be it. You went to two different weight staff to compliment them on the spicy catch.

I'm going to bother two different people. I wonder if you ever found out what was in it. Like you didn't see him venture to a third person? No, well, that's the, that's a company secret, my friend. You don't want to give that away. I talk to the chef by any chance. Yeah, I spit in it. That's what gives it spice.

I talked to the ketchup chef, huh? We're eating a spit. You got a bottle man. The wife, too, is just like, oh, yeah, he's right. They had some spicy ketchup. That was some good spicy ketchup. I had some spicy ketchup on this fry, and I just came right on this bar stool. Man, so what were they doing in Philadelphia?

Great question. spreading delta variants or something? I think they were just there for a baseball game, probably. But, you know, so she's waking up. She's looking at all this stuff. And she finds there's all these cool guns, which she never uses, by the way. That's a Chekhov's gun not paid off. Because, like, it's got a lock code on it.

You're like, oh, then she's going to come back and get these guns out. She never gets it. I kept waiting for the movie. That's in the second one. I kept waiting for the movie to happen. It doesn't happen. No, it doesn't. Because immediately, like, all these dudes in hazmat suits come in and, like,

oh, Eric Mabius, three people passed. And Eric Mabius shows up three. At least Boreannis passed, by the way. That's what I read. Borellas was supposed to do it. That checks out similar haircuts on these. Very similar haircuts. Oh, yeah, I could see Paul W.S. Anderson being a huge Buffy fan.

Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Yep, yep, absolutely. Now, wait a second. Eric Mabias, has he been on a previous episode? Who is this guy? The name kind of sounds familiar. He's in a ton of shit. He's never really made it.

I think he's definitely been in a couple. Is he on ugly Betty? Wasn't that his big thing? He was definitely on ugly Betty forever. He was like, he played ugly. Oh, I guess he's the hot guy.

No, he was handsome. He's just not for me. That's all. No, he's not. Very white bread. He's one of the crows, one of the latter crows. That's why I think we maybe were,

we did, do an episode. I think he's the fourth crow. I think he's after Eddie Furlong. So it's, really? So it's not sitting. of angels. No, city of angels. It's not wicked prayer. No, that's the furlong. Right. It is the Crow. Hold on. I'm looking there right now. Salvation, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, wow. From the year 2000. Is that the last Crow movie in 2000? Probably. Oh, by the way. Yeah, I just rewatched

the Crow mostly holds up. Also, Ernie Hudson is fantastic. Your best bud, dude. Yeah, my best friend now. I'm glad he mentioned the Crow in that video because I remember him in that movie. That's a good movie. Yeah. Literally like two weeks ago, I watched. I watched it like last year during the lockdown. Did you watch it on Devil's Night? I'm going to say yes, just so it sounds cool. Oh, you know, that's the name you could give your spicy ketchup. Devil's Night's Spicy ketchup.

But Eric maybe this shows up and like he's trying to do something. He's like a cop, I guess. Well, because the mansion gets like raided by like a SWAT team. And who are these people? With. Don, dun, dun, dun, do new metal guitars. Busted in your door. New Metal guitars are busted in.

Two zombie-ish video game adaptation movies that came out I think kind of around the same time that were just plagued by New Metal. It's this. And the lesser scene never became a franchise Uh, what the House of the Dead? Right. That's the...

No, House of the Dead. How's the Dead? Oh, it's a zombie game. That's right. Christian Slater, right? And it's... I don't think anybody is in that. Really? Oh, the House of the Dead movie. I didn't know if anyone was in it either. But that was the one where, like, It was an arcade game and you did like the pedal to move forward, kind of like time crisis.

Are you thinking of like mind hunters or whatever? Yeah, I'm thinking of something else later. He gets his legs frozen and they break off at the shins. Jonathan Cher. Oh, Clint Howard. Oh, all right. All right. The stars are out tonight.

Yeah, Jonathan Cherry is in the house of the day. And Clint Howard. I, but yeah, I mean, it's like whatever. The movie has atmosphere again in this mansion, but we leave the mansion for corridors. Yes. And that's the whole thing is like this hive set. It's just all really bad like sub-sequess DSV sets. Yes.

These dark-ass corridors. We're in a sewer for a lot of this movie. I may be a sucker, but I like the train stuff. A train is cool underground train from a house to a facility. Absolutely. I thought that was cool. Hey, hon, you ever hear real rumbling under our house like that there is some sort of an under, just hear me out here, an underground train possibility?

That's just the spicy ketchup, you age, rumbling your tummy. Yeah, right, hon. A train underground. You know, I talked to the pure voice. They're into disease play. Could we get into that, hon? Just maybe throw some HPV at each other. other.

And maybe later you could glance my boils. Oh. Hot. Oh, hot. But like all these SWAT team people reveal themselves to be

like people whose name you saw in the credits including Michelle Rodriguez. And this is like a year after Fast and Furious. So she's, you know, probably one of the bigger stars in the movie at this point.

She was second build. It's Milo Jovovich then Michelle Rodriguez. Makes sense. This other guy, the lead captain guy, seen in a ton of stuff, like kind of always, he has acted a lot. He's got a great, he's one of those guys of the great voice. Colin Salmon.

Great voice on Colin Salmon. Yeah, he's in punisher. He's in a ton of, he's in an action movie dude, which rules. He's in an AVP, of course. He's in the stable of, it was in the mortal of engine, mortal engines, by the way. I think I was in mortal engines for a little bit, actually. He's in die another day. Mm.

But yeah, great voice. And he's just like, report, soldier, report. She doesn't know. And they're like, oh, she has. amnesia because she has amnesia. This is so stupid. It's a side effect of something. It's just so, like, I guess part of this thing was like when

the, when James Peerfoy broke that vial and everything was contaminated, the what do they call this thing? The Red Queen? The Hyper-intelligent AI decides to, like, shut down the hive and, you know, kill all these motherfuckers and, like, spews

this gas everywhere. And I guess part of the thing is that's why Milo Jovovich fell in the shower. Yes. Because she Dangerous, dude. You need to get those rails in there. You got to watch it, dude. Especially with like the marble lining right that. She face planted on that thing. Very dangerous. That could be the end of you, dude. But it's such a convenient fucking dumb thing in this movie that it's like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, that gas that you got sprayed with. It kind of causes temporary amnesia. And in the meantime, I'm going to tell you everything about what's going on here. Yeah. And they take her and Mabias. Mabius is saying he's a cop and he's just investigating something. And they're like, well, Michelle Rodriguez is like, do you I'm going to secure him here, sir? I'm like, yeah, blow this dude's brains out. Do it. Yeah, do him a favor. And B, do me

a favor. Yeah, do the movie of favor. Kill this guy's character. They go in the train and oops, James Purify falls out of a closet. Oh, yes. Where did I put my James Purifoy? Honey, did I, is it in the room? Is it under the bed? Oh, he's in the cabinet. I'm sorry.

And like Milo Jovovich sees him. It's one of like, I don't know, many, many, many little flashback clips of her, like getting some memory back. And it's the two of them, like, in bed rolling around. And then it cuts back to her and she's like, did I fuck that guy? So are they actually married or they're not married? No, like they pretend to be a couple, but they fuck anyway. Mr. Mrs. Smith type thing. I think it's, they're not married because the wedding rings, the inside inscription is like property of the umbrella corporation.

That's weird. But I think it's a thing we're like, well, we're just stationed. in this big empty mansion together and then one night they just got down. Yeah, of course, you would. Of course you would. Yeah, you're James Purfoy and Milojovich. Out of boredom at the very least.

Oh, Han, I think that sexy couples having sex again. Oh, get the telescope out, hon. I want to see his thrust. Oh, wow. Good form on that guy. I can't see through all these gash-dirt statues. Oh, you like to see a sweaty butt. Oh, yeah.

It's just pumping away, hon. And now he's feeding her ranch drowsy. But yeah, he doesn't know who he is either. So they're both like sort of, but they have, you know, intimations about each other. And they're just taking this train to someplace else. I would leave them in the mansion maybe. You know what I mean? Like they're just slowing the team down.

Yeah, just leave them like hog tied, you know, or like chained to a pole or something. We're going to come back and get you guys later. Yep. Or leave like one guy on them. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Well, so you need, like, hacker guy. Yes, you definitely did hacker guy.

You got the medic lady. Oh, right. Who's in my favorite episode, one of my favorite episodes of Peep Show, by the way. Yeah, she plays in the episode where Mark, I'm sorry, when Jeremy gives, is a handyman for a rock star. And by that, I mean, he gives a rock star a handy. It's fantastic. It's fantastic. Yeah, but this is the part where this, like, the team leader is using the train ride to be.

like right now we're under the mansion that we picked you up in and thousands of feet below the earth is the facility. And what you're looking at also is like a really lame 64 bit like right out of the video game graphic of like it basically

if you hit pause on the controller and it showed you the fucking map of the facility and they're using this all through this movie this like oh heat seeking thing and it's the best looking part of the movie this movie is awful. There's a lot of bad CGI in this movie. A lot of it. The big monster is really bad.

Which is called the liquor. I looked up on the internet. Oh, nice. He's the liquor. I hate sharing nicknames with things. Oh, yeah. You don't want to find the biter. Oh, hon, the liquor is loose again. Oh, hon. I love the liquors profile. The liquor is loose again. Sounds like he's drunk or something. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's got it with the liquors loose again. Honey, should we buy a liquor? that's a thing where it's like we're putting a decent amount of money into this movie can we budget a little bit

to make like a the thing-esque creature I know you wanted to crawl on walls and look all cool it was just CGI we were CGI crazy it's 2002 yeah you had the money to write this better to give these characters any type of back on you mentioned the medic lady

I don't even remember her yeah of course not it sucks I mean I want something to cling on to. Well, that's, I kind of feel like Paul W.S. Anderson, at least in this part of his career, was just making video like, he wanted to make video games.

So he made it, rather than make it like a horror movie, like the lack of blood, lack of gore. It all speaks to like this kind of cleanness that comes even with gory video. I mean, take Mortal Kombat. Like, I still felt like I had a through line there. You know, the protagonist knew their

name. Do who they were. But you can also like the predator is a perfect example. Like that's a team of guys that are going in to do something. They're all going to get killed, but they all have a little something. Don't they?

You know what I mean? Like, and obviously you're not getting Jesse Ventura money. But I mean, again, like, Jesse Ventura is a big fucking loud mouth. Bill Duke is fucking awesome. You know what I mean? Because you have a scene where they're just all in the chopper. Exactly.

Twiddling their thumbs until they get to the movie. Like you see them enter the movie. This team just comes in with their helmets already on being all like spooky scary. And they, none of them, you know, are decipherable from one of them. Exactly. Michelle Rodriguez is badass, but that's about it.

But you do need more of those big presences. Like if Jesse Ventura was down there talking to the Victorian ghosts, it would be fucking amazing. You know, here's the thing. I've been talking to this ghost down in the hive and I think I'm going nuts.

I keep telling you, I'm a computer. That's the British voice, apparently. I keep telling you, I'm a computer, computer program. Yeah, my boss's daughter, keeps on walking into my room every night. I kind of hate it. Oh, yep, this little ghost girl or whatever, a computer, something or other.

I don't know what's going on down there. Every night I wake up screaming because it's another ghost from a Christmas carol looking at me. It's terrifying. How about you ghosts go wrestle me up some spicy ketchup? I heard so much about it. I'm going to douse this stupid ghost in a bunch of spicy. I see ketchup, whatever that is. I thought you were red because you're the one bringing all the ketchup.

Yeah, and bring me one of your crumpets. And then while you're at it, bring out of a mustard ghost. I'm the ghost of mustard. Here you are, Sir Jesse. Yes, the Yellow King. Oh, my God, played by James Gordon. Here's some, I'm going to wrap while I give you your mustard. Oh, man.

When would I kill myself in a heart? You know, I didn't ask for this great Poupon. Yeah, get this French mustard right out of here, buddy. I'm a whole grain man. You know that. I'm a scooper. I want a jar I can scoop. Stone ground.

Understand me? The type you get on the fancy meat plates I always get. If I ain't scoop and I'm pooping, that's what I say. When it comes to mustard. Yop, that's the only time I'm ever not eating mustard. is when I'm taking her shit. I take the little spoon out of my mouth. I tried it once.

I don't recommend it. Yeah, you know a movie's good when you're spending most of the episode talking about condiments, for sure. Where do I even start with relish? How much time you got, buddy. But so they're on the train. They're going to the facility.

And yeah, like this is one that movie kind of falls off a cliff, I think. It's like, it just, like, I guess it's for atmosphere's sake, but it just, it starts to get really slow and none of the set looks good. Well, that's the thing. It slows down to a pace

where, you know, in a better move, you would establish that atmosphere, but it just slows down to an atmospheric pace without any of the atmosphere, which just makes it boring. The first scare, probably only quote unquote scare, jump scare of the movie, is they're walking past this like brown,

tank of nothing and there's a dead body and they're like, oh, that's sad. And they walk away and like you stare, the camera just stays on this woman with closed eyes and you're like, when's it going to happen? Let's get ready for it. And then like big score thing,

and you know, horizon. By the way, score by Sir Marilyn Manson and Marco Beltrami. Jesus, crap. I know. Yuck, dude. Right. Not great. Movie did this better. Not by score-wise or whatever, because this is great. But 2005's Doom.

Like, we didn't like it either, but at least it had much better movie. Something going on. You know, two words, Carl Urban, baby. And Duane the Rock Johns. That's right. As a villain. Still, I say, we're seeing it for that thing alone.

It was pretty something else. I was hoping he took a villainous turn in jungle crews, but no such luck. He starts breaking everyone's neck on the boat. He should have gotten really fucking pissed off off the fact that that fucking hat doesn't fit his head for the whole movie. I would though like to say. see him play a villain again. I think it would be an interesting Black Adam question. He's not going to be

a villain. No, he's not. He's going to be like an anti-hero but when the rock was like wrestling and he had to turn heel a couple times, he was fucking great at being a bad guy, dude. It would be great. It would be great. But you're right. At least, I mean in Doom is a huge ripoff of this movie obviously. But like it

does it kind of better because the characters again, like we said, like that team makes a little more sense. That's fleshed out. That movie, if I'm remembering it right, at least has a little bit of Predator-esque intro where you have a few minutes to get to know every

for sure. And I'm sure we can play it about in that movie, but don't worry about it. So we get... That was then. This is now. There's always...

That's the thing about we hate movies. You always go lower on the ladder and they're like, this is even worse. Why is this even worse? Are you honestly

expecting me to get better? Stop it. Abandon ship now. We understand that the Red Queen is the AI and this guy, what's his name? Jeff.

Who? The hacker guy, it's like, oh, oh, the guy, the guy that the movie makes you feel like sympathy for when he's like almost getting killed, Kaplan. Kaplan. Gabe Kaplan is this guy. Welcome back, Cotter's own, Gabe Kaplan. He's, uh, you know, he explains that the Red Queen, wet nuts and killed the whole facility. They don't know why. And they have to shut her. So the computer is now killing them, right? Yeah. I'm looking at Steve wearing a 2001 Space Odyssey shirt. And I'm thinking of it. that movie now. Yeah, you want to do it. Better computer killer. Yeah, that's what I wanted to do is make a lot of references to 2001

the Space Odyssey in my film, Resident Eve. Is that... Is he Italian? I don't know. I think he's just an American. Is he an American? Yeah, he's just a dude. He's just one of those dudes that realized Europe was better for him and mixing him up with what's his face, who also... Plovable.

Yeah, there we go. Oh, yes. Yeah. He looks like Tony Hawk. Like... Oh, does he really? He's like a tall, skin I know nothing about Paul W.S. Anderson. But again, like, he's a guy that, like, is just like, oh, cool. I read this on the trivia. It's like, he got so disillusioned with, oh, wait.

Here's the problem. He's English. Oh. I knew there was something with this guy. Of course. Maybe he loves James Gordon. No, they all hate him, too. That's why we got stuck with them.

Exactly. But no, there was a big, that's why there's so much German money in this movie because, like, the studios, like, fucked him over on whatever movie. I think Event Horizon or something, he wasn't. about working with that studio. So, like, he, and he just became a European guy. All of his movies are produced in Europe and, like, that's interesting.

Bulgaria and God knows where else. He's from Northumberland. I'm from North Kiltown. No, no. But this is probably the best scene in the movie when they're like, okay, we have to get in and hard reboot the server. Let's just go in this corridor.

This was the only scene of this movie I remember. Yeah. Sorry, but they named their daughter ever. Oh. Ever Anderson? Yeah. Ever Anderson. Yeah, that's pretty dumb.

What the fuck? Oh, yeah, the corridor is he? Yeah, I saw this movie precisely one time in theaters back in 2002. Did your dad remember to pick you up? Oh, yeah. He was like, you know, asking me if I had fun at the movie. Oh, wow, it's sad.

Well, please go on. What is it like? Took me out for a hot meal afterwards. I went home and slept inside. Talk to me about the meal. I want to know what the meal was like. Oh, it was chicken tenders. They were so crispy.

My dad was like, you can get anything you want on the menu, buddy, because I love you. That feels like love. I just read that Ever Anderson played young Scarlet Johansson in Black Widow. Oh, really?

Okay. I'm sure she worked really hard for that job. I'm like bullying a 13-year-old. You lose out to the role, you think? I fucking wanted it. No one gave it. You were growing your hair out. All right.

We have two choices for a young Natasha Romanov. We've got this 13-year-old girl. She's actually, you know, this is actually Milojovich's daughter. Oh, that's interesting. And then we've got this 38-year-old man from, he's really upset. I don't know exactly what about. Six foot two, got a beard. I have not seen someone campaign harder for a role, though.

But imagine me twirling around with all the other little. assassins on that ship. Okay, I just talked to him. He's saying he's not going to leave the lobby until you write the part of a young Florence Pugue and put him in the role. He said he's fine with ever taking the other one. Just arrest him.

Just have him arrested. Yeah, I usually star in jail. But yeah, it's a corridor. They just have to get to the other end of it. There's a pass code, as always. And it's just, it's the capital. the dude named one and the medic and some other guy. Other guy who I believe is kind of, well, no, wait, because there's a guy who's like sort of like negging slash flirting with Michelle Rodriguez.

No, that guy is a different dude. No, I know. I'm trying to get a count of all these fucking faceless fucks. There's a lot of them. There's more than you think. Exactly. Like when they like when they all go in the corridor and the laser happens, I was like, isn't this the whole team? And then no, apparently there's fucking seven other people outside. Because there's like three or four dead bodies by the end of this hallway thing. Yeah. But then you still got Kaplan, you still got flirty guy, and you still got Michelle Rodriguez. Yes.

And then obviously maybe as purefoy in Jovovich. Yes. Right. But just at the team of the actual of nobodies. Yeah. The team of nobody's. For a medic, the laser, they duck. She gets decapitated.

It's one of those things. Are you okay? and her head falls off. Kind of always love that even though it doesn't work. This sequence is the best part of the movie. Oh, yeah. Hands down. Yeah.

So she gets that. And then I love the guy gets his hand, like some of his fingers cut off. Oh, yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. It's pretty badass because they do it like diagonally. Yeah. You know, and it's kind of like bad CGI, which like, again, can you please just make a fake hand?

Yes, exactly. No. Can't be done anymore. It's so fucking frustrating. It's the same way that. they've made Squibs illegal. You can't do it. No longer. Sorry. I mean, it's sad. This is a 20-year-old movie.

We're doing this shit back then. Well, we were in love... Again, the CGI was crazy in this film. Yeah. But then, you know, one, our team leader, I mean, this is great. The dude's doing the, like, jump over one. Duck, he's like, he's playing Nick Arcade. And he's doing really well. And then they cheat at the end, the Cuban.

There's one moment where his, like, his knife is cut in half. That was cool. Yeah. But this dude, like, yeah, this was all. All I remember about this movie was this guy getting cubed by a laser fence. I had a false memory, though, I should say, of Michelle Rodriguez getting the laser fence. Oh, really? I didn't remember it being this guy.

Maybe it's a Mandela effect. Oh, maybe there's a whole other universe where that happened. That's exactly what happened. We should go to that conference in Idaho next year and see about that. I always thought it was the Bairsteen bears that got hit with the laser fence. In the gold dress. Oh, there was Sinbad, actually. I got hit with the laser.

Wasn't Sinbad in Resident Evil? This is so fucked up. Shazam or because there's another name they gave it. They call it Shazam, which is fucking insane. I just love that they cite that and they cite the Nelson Mandela thing. Those are the two giant examples of me not realizing black people or people or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

And therefore there's something wrong with space and time. Exactly. All of reality is fucked up. Tons of people's brains are being poisoned on the internet because some guy couldn't admit he a mistake. Yeah. That's usually the problem. Oh, shit.

I would have loved it. If like the Red Queen, like get her, make her a little more saucy. Maybe she's doing some puns here. That would be cool. Like the guy jumping, oh, I like half and half with my team. Oh, dude, yeah. But the problem is you need to make an adult then because if she's making one liners and she's a little kid, that's precocious kid power shit.

That's true. Even if you are an evil AI. I will accept the precocious kid shit if you are a ghost AI. security system. Okay. I will allow it. I would, yeah. I mean, again, if I'm working at the hive, I'm like, yeah, could we just is there a way I could just change the

setting on this to adult? Because I don't like talking to a little girl. Like changing the voice on a fucking GPS. Same thing. Do I want a British woman? Do I just want an American sounding guy? You just hear Snoop Dog throughout the hive. And also, because it's a dropped line from Kaplan where he's just like,

oh, the Red Queen is modeled after the creator's daughter who died. It's like, okay, great. How about the creator's wife? Let's just do that. Can we die? Can we kill her? Can we open the movie with the creator making shit and the understanding what any of this fucking garbage is?

Yeah. Is that a wait for the sequel situation? Cabin, have you seen any of these sequels? I've seen most of them in like, I've turned a lot of them off. Yeah, sure. Because I just find them very boring. The two that are good, which I think are three and four. She gets to Vegas in one of these movies.

Yeah. I mean. Dry Light City. Going to set my soul, going to set my soul on Red Queen. I will say this is one of those cases where I am 100% with Steve on the legislation numbers here.

Oh, these things are crazy. I get lost in these words. How are you to know which one you're watching? Like, there's afterlife retribute. And like, they all sound final, except what it gets to the final chapter, which is the final chapter. But like, there's like afterlife, evolution.

I don't even know what. And then if you search IMDB, all the video games come up. So then you're even double lost in these woods. Oh, that's terrible. You know, the other year I was going to, I think I even said on the show that I was going to go through all these movies and watch them. I turned this movie off. I just didn't go further. They do get better and at least more fun to watch.

But like all of them, like the character and the story shit is so like washed out that you're just like, okay, I'm just watching this for gunplay. And they never had a single number. And also, yeah, so 2004, Apocalypse, 07, Extinction, 10, afterlife, 12, Retribution, 16, the final chapter. Jesus, Christ. I mean, how are you supposed to wade through those waters? If you're on Amazon, you're like, now I've got a little fucking years. Yep. The afterlife to Retribution, those three right there are the ones that the W.S. heads go.

crazy for. And I'm sure they're fun. He directed every single one of these. No, he skipped two and three, I think. Two and three? So then I'm thinking of four and five. Whichever it is. I don't know. He skipped two of them because he was making other other bad movies. So

Kaplan does restart. After that, they figure out a way to get through. He restarts the computer, which oops-a-doodle, that unlocks all the zon. Because she's like, you don't want to do that. And he's like, yes, I do. And he's like, you're all going to die down here. Also, be like, actually,

when I say you don't want to do that, I mean, there's hundreds of zombies that if you were to shut me off, will be released and murder you. And a weird licking guy, you don't want to mess with that motherfucker. You don't want to release the liquor. By the way, just to correct the record here, an interesting bit of trivia. W.S. Anderson only did not direct the second one. Oh, okay. Extinction. But who was put in the director's chair in his

place, my friends. None other than Highlanders, Russell Mulcaic. Wow. Okay, those might be the good ones. It's only one, right? Number two, that was... And number two was actually the worst, I would say. Oh, actually, I'm sorry. So Mulcahy directed three. Part two was directed by some dude named Alexander Vitt.

Ah, who, yeah, not much. Anyway, but... Yeah, so the Red Queen Ghost also talks about, like, the T-Virus was a military breakthrough. It gives a massive jolt to the central growth and electrical impulses. It reanimates the party.

Now we're just, now we're just telling the audience how zombies are made. What are we doing? It brings the dead to life. Not really. Virtually no intelligent driven by the most basic needs to feed.

It's like, I'm sorry though. If I die right now, I had a decent breakfast. I don't think I'm instantly going to try to eat you guys. Yeah, totally not. Well, no, but they all have the, all the zombies

have munchies. Like no amount of, sure. They cannot be sated. What if you gave them like vitamin water and a bag of chips? Like what's that gonna do? They'll go right through it

and look for cereal. It's not a hangover, Steve. These are the munchies. That's a good point. And she also mentions about like severing the spinal column or the head.

I know. It's like, A, it's fucking zombies. B, when she's literally reading that stuff off, you can hear the page turning because this little girl is not great.

And then there's going to be, right. Oh, and then this shall happen. Like, they like brains. Oh, it is just awful. Hey, hey, let's talk about another good moment. I think that just happened right before this moment is the half dog, half zombie. That's pretty fun.

It's a Zog. It's a Zog. Yeah. So are these dogs with, like, I couldn't tell, are these CGI dogs? Or are they, like, dogs with, like, spaghetti sauce on them? It's both. I have some CGI dogs and then you got these dogs

that are wearing that Lady Gaga beef dress There's a, because It's a new breed called Naranera. The first dog that like jumps up on the door and scares or whatever

you can see this dog is just wearing like a meat coat. Yeah. It is hilarious. It is. And it's just a real dog like, what am I doing? Why did I want to get

into this business? My father was a police dog. My grandfather was a police dog. I had to be a canine despion. Now here I am on the set of Resident Evil wearing a meat suit. You cover me in spare rib, and I'm not allowed to eat it? You're yelling at me for eating my costume?

I think it's mentioned in the trivia that it was kind of difficult because the dogs did keep eating parts. Of course they would. You're covering them and meat? You think they'd ever ask Eddie from Frazier to do this shit? Not once because they respect his talent. Dude, if it was a bunch of, because they're German shepherds or whatever. Or not even, no, they're Ronald. Dobermans.

There's a bunch of Dobermans. If they were a bunch of Jack Russell Terriers, it'd be a lot better. Oh, that's kind of adorable. Then you can have like a swarm of them and it would be like an on-land piranha situation. I like this idea. Fuck, yeah, dude.

Get Kaplan covered in little dogs and he just gets all the meat picked off his bones. You just see like it's a from POV shot. It's just a bunch of paws going on. That would be scary. adorable. I like this idea. Oh. But yeah, so this is like the, it's kind of, I guess I would you call it iconic when she kicks a dog in the face. Yeah, this was the big like shot that she apparently had to train

for three months just to do this one kick. It's a cool kick. It's a cool kick. It's very rad that she does all her own stunts in these movies. It's pretty good shit. I mean, I do think that Jovovich for all whatever, without her in this movie, there is nothing. There's absolutely nothing. No, she's carrying this entire thing on her fucking shoulder. She's got an interesting look. But anyone else, it might be better. That's also, I mean, yeah, like a real, real actress would be fantastic. I kind of like her. I always had goodwill towards her.

I do, too. I think that she could do stuff that, like, I would like, but she doesn't often do it. You know what I mean? She's great in days of confused. You know what I mean? Fantastic in that. I mean, I do. I respect that she has this, she's built this franchise on her own.

It's her and, like, I guess, a little help from Allie Larder. Yeah. But, like, oh, no, Allie Larder's is. in these movies? Oh, is that right? Yeah, yeah. And then, but like, versus like, I truly cannot watch Underworld movies. No, yeah. I can get through Resident Evil movies. Underworld movies are

like the worst shit out there. I never really dug into those either, but I always imagine they'd be more accessible to me. I mean, it's all like grim blue fucking, you think this is hard to look at? I mean, those underworld movies, Steve, what was it the one that you and I saw in the theaters? It's the second one, whichever one that is.

Was it the second one? Yes. Or was it maybe even the third one? Could have been the third. I think it was a second. Where it was just like, you couldn't see shit in that movie. It was terrible. Because it's about what? Like, vampires? It's vampires and were a warwolf. Which I'm just like, okay, I can get my head

around that. This is like, oh, but the T virus came out of my scrumpet. I mean, like, yeah, you know, so she, like, I mean, I think Michelle Rodriguez, for whatever, is doing her best, but not really. Like, it just she gets bit really early on and you know what the deal is, right?

Which is crazy because no fucking AI computer or dude reading a thing told me what would happen. I can't believe that I saw someone get bitten a zombie movie and I knew what was going to happen to the character. Interesting. She gets bit and now it turns into a full-on zombie movie and

the score is going you can't even hear people screaming over this score in certain parts. Between the like the machine gunfire and the fucking new metal score you can't hear anything. And, you know, now that Michelle Rodriguez is like, she's like hanging on to her life. Yeah, sure. You got the one person in the movie that can emote human emotion, and not great, but enough to engage me is basically taken out of the movie.

He's just sweating in the corner. Yeah. That's a really good point. And yelling at people. Also, for your zombie movie, I clocked it, friends, 40 minutes until we're seeing zombies. Get out of fucking town. Nothing happens. this movie.

You don't, came out this exact same year, by the way, 28 days later. So, oh, that's right. Which I rewatched

during lockdown and it's fucking great. It really held up. How was like, your like 2021 eyeballs looking at that very bad old dated like digital video? I actually didn't really mind it.

I thought it added an interesting angle to it. Yeah. I love that movie. It's one of my favorite movies. I got to go back. I followed it up with the sequel, which I think is a great,

fucking sequel. Jeremy Renner is a lot of fun in that. Yeah. I got to give the sequel another turn because I think I was such a huge fan of the first one and the lack of the Danny Boyleness bothered me, blah, blah, blah.

I think I was just being a little too snotty about it. I need to go back. Jeremy Renner is essentially playing his Hurt Locker character in that. He just dies instead of like living. Carlisle in that movie.

He's just like a coward type of thing. And it's just like this is exactly how a person would be. Yeah. There's a great flub. So like, you know, the zombies all descend on them in this one room and it's a big shootout

and shit. There's a fucking great thing where a dude one of the guys I don't remember who it is like firing at the zombies and then the actor clearly turns around to like address someone behind him and then you see this guy playing a zombie go like and fall over. I was

like dude you got to do that again you were like a 20 second delay on that zombie they like escape and they kind of get split up I think this is out of order because the sequence is nothing. This is when Milojovich fights the dogs.

Eric Mabibius finds his sister who's a zombie. Is it a Jerry Ryan? No, it's just this woman looks almost exactly like Jerry Ryan. It's a German actress. She is the woman. She's the woman who plays the psychotic Joker woman that's trying to fuck Alan Rickman in love actually. That's like, that's like a total maniac character

that is just like, I want to fuck Alan Rickman so bad. I don't even give his shit. I will fucking. nuke the earth from orbit. I want that dick so bad. Oh, yeah. You think you want to listen to Joni Mitchell. You're going to hear me fucking coming with your husband. Emma Thompson. It's just like a total psychopath. One of the craziest movie characters of all time is that woman. But she plays her. But yeah, so she's like the sister. And you find out that he's an environmental activist. And so was she. And they were trying to work together

with someone on the inside. Spoiler alert, that's Alice Milojovovich. Which we do know, though, because we've already seen flashbacks of Milo Jovovich meeting this woman in the backyard near one of these angel statues in the mansion. What is the point of giving your main character's amnesia? You could have set this all up at the start and made me more engaged with the movie. Is it because the game?

Do you start out with no memory in that? I don't think it's a... But that does go back to Paul W.S. Anderson treating less like a video game. You start with no knowledge. Yes. You have to learn everything. You have to learn everything.

Because it would be cool, I think to your point, Eric, it'd be cool if she was keeping a secret. Like, in the middle of the movie, she remembers, and now she's keeping a secret. Like, oh, that's engaging. You know what I mean? As opposed to, like... Give me, like, an actual flashback.

Not one that's two seconds of a flash of a memory coming back. Yeah, this whole, like, Han, they're having a clandestine meeting by the angels. Do you think it's a sex meeting, huh? Oh, it's got to be there. I know what a party partner. If there's no spicy cattrip involved, I don't want to hear.

about it, all right? You know, they might be coming up with a new ketchup, huh? Why don't we just go up to the gate and say Fidelio and see what happens? Maybe it's a sweet ketchup, you know, a sweeter ketchup. I know ketchup's sweet, but maybe it's sweeter. Oh, I don't know, a sweet kid. Maybe that's why

it's so hush, hush. We don't want that getting out, you know. Yeah, candy chip. I could eat that all day. The umbrella corporation might bottle that and make a fortune. Hasbro's candy chip Yeah so like that's a thing

And he has to I think Joevich kills the sister Like saves him at the end there And like Right This is when he explains what's going on She's like I don't know I could be that person

Who knows who I am like awesome by the way It's so dumb And then it's like it's just frustrating As the audience member knowing that Yes But then like the Eric maybe his character Doesn't know But also Mila Jovovich doesn't even know

For most of the movie And you're like, there's just nowhere to go with this information. There's nothing to do with this development. Exactly. It's the only, like, when your British ghost computer person is the only, I don't know. I feel like she's got, she's got a mind. She knows what she's doing. She's also right, by the way.

She's like, oh, fuck the T virus is out. I've got to kill all these people or else it's a zombie motherfucker apocalypse. The Red Queen is the hero of the movie. Absolutely. Yeah. So I love basically that like the brilliant turn of this movie is, we got to go back and turn that thing on again. You remember the thing that we turned off?

We got to go turn it back on again. Is everybody excited for us to turn the computer back on again? Can you turn something on? Maybe me. It's a hard restart, is what we're talking here. And they do, I forget. Like, some of these dead meats just get murdered. Like, Michelle Rodriguez is like kind of flirty guy.

J.D. J.D. gets annihilated by these zombies. This is where you need, because this is the classic zombie. Yes. He gets pulled from behind. There's a huge crowd. Yeah, I need this dude's fucking spaghetti guts. I'm just thinking about like Sean of the Dead that scene with the nerdy guy.

Oh, Glasses guy really gets it. Absolutely. And that's what you want here. Absolutely nothing. You don't even fucking see what happens to this guy until he appears later as a zombie to fucking bite her again. And it doesn't look like he got eaten that much. I'm going to be honest. I'm not seeing any chunks out of a tickle fight

when they got him. What were they doing? These zombies are not hungry. You don't see them feeding on anything. Ah, hi, yeah, we're actually, we're unionizing. Here, let me just turn you. Okay, we're not going to eat you anymore. It's the umbrella corporation's worst nightmare.

There's unionization. Oh, I think that's why they released the T-virus. There is some, like, pamphlets like, I don't know, do you want better working environments? Do you want to work above ground by any chance? Oh, no, they're organizing. release the virus. But so they basically make a deal with the Red Queen.

We promise we won't fry you permanently if you give us like the way out of here. There's something, something. They have an hour and a half or else the door gets closed forever. Yeah, what is the mission countdown? Michelle Rodriguez has like a stopwatch or a wristwatch with a countdown on it. Yeah. What is going on? I think it just seals up completely to make sure that no one can ever leave.

Oh, is that the deal? The other end of like where they came in with. the train. I think that part goes. Because I think at the very end, you see them like running past a door right in time. Oh, got it, got it, got it, got it. Because there needs to be a clock. It should be exploded. You know what I mean?

Totally. Because also that makes sense also from a zombie perspective, you want to fucking do that's when the fire systems kick in. Exactly. You know, because it's all concrete down there, so just burn it all. From a corporation point of view, that's a lot of R&D there. After everybody's dead, you get a system in there.

You got people down there. That's true. But whatever. So, like, yeah, now they're moving around. This is all the sewers. She's like, oh, yes. The easiest way to get back to the train is to crawl through a bunch of shit. I hope you like piss. Just slopping through these sewer tunnels, man.

And Kaplan gets bit here. And this is like, there's a bunch of like we're jumping on pipes. Like it's the Mario Bros. More pipe jumping than the Mario Brother movie. Actually, true. A lot more pipe play in this film. I will say I kind of like this turn of him going up the pipe and like you think he's going to blow his head off

and then he's just like, fuck you, you have to work for your meal. I kind of like that turn, like as you would usually just see the fucking... I can't relate with that character, too. I could not. I mean, once he's on that thing, I'm like, that's a good place to do it. Dude, you got one bullet left. You know what's up. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

Don't make me try to care about Kaplan. I'm not saying it's the decision I would make. I thought it was an interesting decision for the movie. Because if anything, like, if we saw this dude blow his brains out, it's at least some kind of violence in this movie. You wouldn't see it. It would be like off-screen and then, like, Michelle Rodriguez frowns. Aw.

Oh, Kaplan, he was my favorite one. Because he's also been bitten. And Michelle Rodriguez, I mean, keeps getting bitten. Like, every five steps, another zombie, like bites her leg. I do like that moment where Alice is like, I'm going to shoot her in the head. She looks like she's dead. And then she comes back, like, I'm not dead yet. Great.

Awesome. But whatever, they get into this room and this is where all is revealed that James Perfoy remembers what happened. Alice remembers what happens if there's an antivirus. Like, that's great. Because again, like, all of us, I mean, not to say, like, that you wouldn't care about Michelle Rodriguez if you're Alice. But why does she care so much about Michelle Rodriguez? That's a good point. Yeah.

Because she's like, oh, my God, we need to save her. I don't know. And maybe this is why they're like amnesia is a great thing for the. movie is like once we clear out your mind and it's just basic human emotion, you want this other lady to live. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah. I mean, again, it's this movie trying to like make you care about any of these characters, which, sorry. You could tell me Michelle Rodriguez's home life or something. Yeah. Well, she says, someone like, oh man, I want to get laid. Like to whom and to why? Exactly. Someone can like take out a picture of wife and kids. Yeah. Literally.

Give me anything. Yep. Anything. It's like I'm fucking this guy at Blockbuster. It's awesome. You know what I mean? Like something. So yeah, Purefoy does the turn here.

You know, he starts twirling his mustache and whatnot. And he steals the suitcase that has all the antiviral shit in it. And he's like, well, I'm off to the train now. But he's saying, but I'll go with you, Milo Jovovich. I know you wanted to steal the virus for your own reasons. Well, we can make so much money. Come with me. come with me kind of thing.

Yeah, well, it's, that's, you know, this dude's downfall as fucking dick starts doing the thinking. I mean, come on, you got to admit, the dick was pretty good. Come on, Alice, let's not bullshit each other. All that mansion sex we had. You were sweating, I saw you. What's a TV situation in that mansion?

I didn't see one. I would need it for sure. Yeah, we don't see their TV room, but I bet you anything, though, like, because you got to keep these fuckers happy, right? You're living in this weird, like, science experiment basically. It's probably pretty Primo Cable. But it's 2002, so the TV has to suck.

Oh, that's a good point. Oh, and they definitely have a medicine cabinet full of treats. Like the highest, how you get them to fucking stay in this place. The highest end TV back then would be like one of those weird, big rear projector giant... Oh, in 2002. Yeah. Yeah, something

like that, probably still kicking around. Big cabinet guys. Those are not great. Oh, yeah, the cabinet guys. I remember them. But he's like, he's like, like, you know, she says no, he gets bit by another zombie and he locks them at this room. And the Red Queen's like, you know,

I'll let you out and I'll let you, by the way, don't worry about him. The liquor shall be getting him. Oh, does she say that? She doesn't say that, but we show the monster. I think she says something like, I've been a bad girl. Yeah, I know. She's like very mischial. Oh, he's not going to get very far.

Why does the computer have more personality than any of the humans? Maybe that little child voice actor isn't as bad as we thought. You know what? She's the fun saving the movie. She lets the monster out. It gets him. You don't, and again, like, it's kind of like you just see like the CGI

nothing. It's so fucking bad. And then when they find him again, it's like there's, I mean, like he's kind of covered in some blood or whatever, but like all the limbs are still intact. What did this thing do? It's supposed to eat him. It's a big monster. It eats part of someone.

And then she's just like, oh, no, it's good to. adapt and use his flesh too. Oh, yeah. That's purefoy. Okay, I thought that would be like an annihilation monster or something, but it doesn't do anything interesting. It just gets bigger. Well, because am I remembering this right? In

one of those games, there were like upright, walking monster people. I think those are the last bad guy and at least the second movie, maybe, the second game. Yeah. Big dude, I think he's got a gun too possibly. I thought, yes, I had some memory of that with, I played some

of these games. And like, I thought that's what was going to happen to this monster. And then maybe, because this movie's really dumb already, it would be like a cartoon James Purfoy face because it's his DNA. Sure, that'd be fun. But, like, the Red Queen is like, I will only let you out of this room if you kill Michelle Rodriguez

because she's infected. And it's like, it's a great idea. Oh, oh, that's all I have to do. You'll get me out of here safely if I just kill this total stranger that's already going to be a zombie. And Michelle Rodriguez is like, please kill me. Please kill me. We can't do it.

I'm like, I don't know. Can't you, though? I don't understand. Miller Jović's character's whole thing to like be the hero here because she does the same thing with the Kaplan. That dude is like, get out of here. I'm going to commit suicide. It's totally fine.

Leave. And she's like, we'll never leave you, Kaplan. You're a fan favorite. Well, the amnesia thing. It's really just conduit for the audience because it's like, well, if I was in that situation, I don't want anyone to get hurt. Come on, Kaplan. I mean, if I'm in that situation.

A, my pants are mostly shit at this point. There is not much left of the cloth. It's mostly shit. This is all shit. You put me in a zombie situation. I am throwing children to the zombies. Oh, absolutely. Slow them down and give me some room.

Appetizers. I would do that at a Halloween party. I would immediately go to that. But they don't kill Milojovich. Kaplan returns at a big hero moment and fries the computer he's like, I'm sorry bitch or whatever he says.

Something stupid. And it's like, I opened the door because I had to fry her finally. Let's get out of here. And it's like, okay, great. Whatever. They get to the train and this is when Purefoy shows up

and shoots him in the head. Pretty cool. Yeah, it's cool. I like the blue eyes. It's kind of fun. Yeah, yeah. That's something. Purefoy does turn into a zombie.

Yes. gets a fucking axe to the head which is pretty good. Yeah, that's what it's an axe to the head. And she goes, I'm missing you already. Oh, yeah. All of his intestines still inside. I don't understand this. Like, it's unacceptable for this JD character because he was totally decimated by a horde of zombies.

But we saw this big computer monster. Take this guy apart. Yeah, he should have like half a face and all that stuff. You know what I mean? Like, that's something. Were they like, I mean, because you said what? there's some sort of like unrated cut of this floating around. Steve was saying that. It was originally NC17.

They had to cut a lot out. But like they just, it's like getting a bad haircut. Like, they just took way too much off. Like, is this rated R? Is this PG-13? It's R. It's R. I feel like it has to be R for language, though.

And the nudity. Yes. But like the zombie violence, what are we doing? You're making a zombie movie. Well, I think that's sort of the problem is the NC17 probably came because of it. Like, that's how that math works. Usually it's like some nudity. a lot of violence, you know what I mean?

That's going to get you an NC17. The move is to cut rid of the nudity. I don't need the nudity in this movie. Totally. I want the violence. Yeah, nobody's doing. I mean, like, come on. Yeah, it drives you insane

because it's like the first time you see her, she's naked. Sure. I'm like, that's how you're opening the character. Like, really? And in the epilogue, you see your fucking vagina. I'm like, no. What are we doing?

No, wait, wait, wait, way. I got to go home and rewind. Oh, it's there, dude. Really? Yeah. It's outrageous. Welcome to Raccoon City, man. I thought it was Beaverton.

Oh, come on now, come on. I mean. I had no idea because I think by the end of the movie, I'm just like passed out with not caring. Yeah. And that was like a little, little flash of life to get your coat on. No, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I work in Raccoon City, but I live in Beaver Town.

That's how the commute. It's not bad. That's all the Raccoon City cops, dude. They don't even fucking live there. They live in Beavertown. It's fucked up. And all the Beavertown cops live in Dixville. Yeah, that's right.

Actually, I'm in Muscrat Falls. It's just right over there. It's a quiet community here in Muscat Falls. We don't like a certain kind of people coming in Muscat Falls. What's Muscrat? Is that like a slang for the taint or something? Oh. But they're on the train.

Eric already talked about it. Milojovich almost kills Michelle Rodriguez. She's like, you're not going to give me that gun also. I'm like, hey, no, I'm not giving you that gun, zombie lady. No. Well, because she gives her the antidote, even the computer lady is like, we're not sure if it works at this stage of infection. It's like, yeah, then that's all I need to know, computer lady.

Let's shoot somebody in the head. Absolutely. She's like, oh, you got bit at the start of the film, eh? Well, guess what? That's more of an act three infections. You have to throw her in the loo. But the weird thing is she even says specifically, like if you're bit or scratch, you're infected.

The big liquor comes in, kills Kaplan, and maybe this gets scratched hugely here. Yes, big time. There's more, is this where we have more pipes at play? Because there's like a bushel of pipes just being transported on the drain. I love this, DSX pipes. Yeah. So it's like it gives them.

It gives them weapons and also a big thing to shove at this thing. It's hilarious. Like, I don't even, it's just suspended from the air for no real. Like, that's bad for a train. That's dangerous. Oh, yes, we were transporting this bushel of pipes over to donkey comms. Look, I told you about the pipe closet option. You said no to me.

So we went with the pipe hamper. And the pipe, like the net that's holding the pipes is on a rolling track so they can, like, shoot these pipes all at the monster. It's really dumb. And then Michelle Rodriguez finally comes back as a zombie and it's like, oh my God, they have to finally kill her. By the way, she comes back in like the fourth or fifth one

as a clone of herself. Get out of town. A lot of clone stuff. The guy who plays one I saw credited in a future movie as one again. Oh, weird. There was a one of those the 10 or whatever, the pre-roll, whenever that movie

was coming out. It was Michelle Rodriguez and Milozovic at the premiere and Michelle Rodriguez is a little worse for wear and just grabs Miloovich. She's like I was only, this lady's in all these movies. She is great. She's in all of them. But I'm only in this one and the first one. But she's in all of them and she kicked ass. What was with Michelle Rodriguez returning to franchises where she was

previously killed? Great question. Yeah, I don't know. Something else, huh? I guess she kicked the sauce and everyone said, come on. I did watch girl fight three or four. She's still just boxing. But whatever. Like, yeah, they knock the, it's kind of amazing that the, the liquor guy, it's a pretty cool death for the liquor.

I enjoyed it. It's not too bad. They stab his tongue, so he's stuck on the train. But then he's getting burned and like fucking run over while it's happening. That guy gets fucked three ways from Sunday. He really does. Like the floor to the train car opens and he falls down on. to the tracks and he's just like

bumbling around down there while his tongue is still stuck on the thing and sparks are coming out. Yeah. Just get set on fire. Like, it's stunning. I only wanted to lick. Spicy ketchup. I just wanted them

can I get it in a store? Do you have an Etsy for your spicy ketchup? Oh, geez, Honda. The liquor died last night. You know, we were telling him about that spicy catch up, he was like, I'm going to go there and get some, and now he's dead. Blew up the liquor man in Philly last

night. But he gets the shit burned out of him. He dies. And again, you have all this antivirus. And like, Eric Baby is like, well, that was a crazy encounter. His arm is bleeding. Like, I'm taking that no matter. Oh, yeah. Everybody gets

a dose. Bila Jovovich gets a dose. I get a dose just to be sure. My immune system is better than most people, I would imagine. So I'm not going to take it? Well, actually, no, he was like, all right, I'm not going to take that, but there's this horse medication.

Let me have some of that. Yeah, the Umbrella Corporation said it would work on the liquor's body. So I'm just taking that. Licker medicine. It gets all the worms out of the liquor. Liquor Mectin, dude. Eating this monster deworming paste. I can feel it working.

But, like, yeah, it's right there. Just take it immediately, maybe. He's just like, oh, wow, what a crazy fight we do. just had. Also, prioritize, like, the dude who got scratched 10 minutes ago. Yes. Versus the lady that got bit eight hours ago or whatever. Um, and they get back to the mansion and he starts going, burp, and she's like, oh, I better give you that fucking medicine that's right here that's been right here the entire time. I told you to take it on the train. Well, I was worried. I'd get nauseous. The train was going backwards. So I, that was a big problem for you to

begin with the windows we're looking the other way. I mean, I can't usually read while I'm in something like that. This was just horrible. And then like right before she could do that, another fucking team of hazmat motherfuckers comes into the movie and fucks up the whole thing. And Jason Isaacs is like, ooh, he'll be perfect for, let me look at the camera, the nemesis protocol, a program. Yeah, keep them alive.

I want them for the nemesis program. Because I think that's what represents the game three or four. And, like, that's a big thing from the game. So everybody got a little nerd boner from that, which is fine. Yeah, yeah. But it also, like, and I know zombie movies all often end this way. But I just, this one is especially like the movie was meaningless. Wait for the sequel.

You know what I mean? This whole thing, like the last shot of the movie should really be the first shot of the movie. You know what I mean? Like her coming up to like the ravaged city, you know, because she wakes up in a medical facility. No one's around. This is where Jason Isaac's like shush. by really quickly. She's naked for no reason. She's literally

wearing a piece of paper and then like she gets out of there with no real struggle. You see some scurrying around and it's kind of supposed to be scary but not really. She gets to the she leaves the hospital and like she's out in the street, everything's fucked up. A fire truck crashed into a mailbox. There's

postage everywhere. It's like the open of Superman 3. Yeah. I like that there's like a news truck and a cop car and they all say raccoon's on it and you see in newspaper it's the Raccoon City Times and it's like the dead walk

Canada or something I could see a city up there called that. Oh yeah that might be yeah that's where Beaver that's where Beaver Falls is. Absolutely definitely. Beaver Falls you got it worked up. Raccoon Toronto yeah but yeah it's like Raccoon

City Post what do you think the food is like is it a garbage plate situation like what's their big everybody eats out of trash cans oh that's it. Oh you're going to at a restaurant. I was like, oh, you want the Raccoon City? It's like, it's a literal little trash cat with like French fries and a hamburger all crumbled up in it? Totally. Do they wheel out? It's a little, it's the size of like a laptop, but it's shaped like a dumpster. And you open it up. It's like a little, it's like Raccoon City Bento Box.

That's if you're lucky. If you're not, if you're a horror citizen, you have to eat like a bunch of dried leaves and berries. It means we're actually eating raccoons. The meat is not so tasty. I'll be honest with you. And that's kind of like your big final. shot of the film. She finds a shotgun and it's like, I'm a hero. Yes, exactly. And I was like,

oh, well, there's the movie. Yeah, exactly. Oh, guys, the movie's starting. But also, I'm like, you ended this 10 minutes ago, man, once you take fucking, maybe it's out of the fucking, and the shit starts coming out of his arm. Oh, yeah, he starts really mutating. This is the end of your movie

even with the sequel thing. And then there's the whole five minutes of her waking up in the fifth element chamber thing. What? what came out first? Did this come out after 28 days later? Because like the whole notion of your hero waking up in an abandoned hospital.

I think this was first. I mean, it's, it had to be concurrent. It was very similar. Maybe it's just a coincidence. It looks like Steve's on the case. There we go. And then they did that again for the first episode of The Walking Dead. Oh, that's right. That's right.

By the way, Roger Ebert put this on one of his most Hated Films List. Oh, really? Not even a worst of the year, but hated films of all time. Both Resident Evil and the sequel appear on Roger Ebert's most hated films list published in 2005. In his review, Ebert describes Resident Evil as a zombie movie said in the 21st century where large metallic objects make crashing noises just by being looked at. And he criticizes the dialogue for being a series of commands and explanations with no small talk.

He's right. Raj wasn't wrong there. 28 days later came out after this. in June. This came out in March. Oh, got it. So, yeah, we're making these things in the same time. Ish. But that's it. That is the fucking motion picture, man. I got to say, every, like, we're recording this in the fucking tail end of August here. But, like, I got, like, Halloween on the brain already, you know?

This might be my franchise for this season. Oh, wow. You're going to do it, huh? Wow. Might do it. You're going to be very disappointed. Could I be any more disappointed than when I watched all of the Hellraiser friends? I would say Hellraiser is a much better franchise than this. I would say, now, I only saw this movie, but I would say that as well.

And I hate Hellraiser. There are at least two Hellraiser movies I genuinely like. That are like doing something. Which one? The first two? First and the third. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The hell on Earth.

I really enjoyed that. I think the first Hellraiser is like a great. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. It's a great movie. I forget the second one almost completely. It's a lot. It's, yeah, it's a lot.

It's spent a lot of time. in the underworld. Not enough pinhead, I'll be completely honest. Yeah, but that is the end of Resident Evil 2002 directed by Paul W.S. Anderson.

Go around the horn here. Steve Sedeck, would you recommend this movie? No, it's a light not recommend. I do kind of dislike the movie specifically. I could totally see why people like it, especially if you were at a certain age

when it came out, et cetera, et cetera. It might be a hangover movie. It might just be... Certainly quiet enough. It's certainly quiet enough. It could fit in that realm. But I just generally don't like it. I think we've talked about a ton of it.

But like, yeah, just having your lead character with amnesia for no reason. All the Alice in Wonderland stuff, jerk me off, guys. All right, I will. No, do not. Little girl ghost. I'm not breaking the law tonight. Although I don't know what that's a gray area. Try and I'll go back to Dan Aykroyd's then.

She's probably only like two years old or something. Yeah, but I mean, she's just CGI. Whatever the computer started. You know, she's not actually a little girl. That's true. That's a no for me. Okay. Chris Cabin.

Light no for me, too. The action gets better in this series as it goes on. And that's what I'm missing from this. I could almost forgive it if the action was better than what it is. It's kind of forgettable. It kind of doesn't, like, there's no sense of space. I was just kind of, like, bored the whole time. Yeah.

And like, seriously, as soon as, like, the Red Queen is introduced, the rest of it, I couldn't hold on to anything. It was like, just washed away. it's like okay this is ending at some point I know that but like I was like I don't care about any of this yeah Eric Siska yeah I'm gonna echo that don't care about any of this because I felt the same way once that

once we get to that point in the film it's like nothing else happens or matters almost it feels like just escape it's a heavy no for me I really disliked watching this I understand if someone likes it I actually understand like liking the soundtrack because it's while it's not all for me but like it is it is like it's a it's it's sort of like a

what am I trying to say like a time capsule yeah so I totally get that and for nostalgia's sake I understand digging the soundtrack or whatever but this movie has nothing going on so it's a heavy no recommend for me yeah it's a no recommend for me also and you know honestly still

the biggest crime of this movie let's go back really quick George A Romero's Night of Living Dead in 1968 there's a fucking zombie in the first goddamn scene. 40 minutes. I just cannot sanction waiting 40 minutes to show a zombie

and a zombie movie. Stupid city. And all the violence matters in the Romero movie. The violence is a point. Like this is just whatever, man. They're coming to get you. What's your name?

I have amnesia. That is Resident Evil from 2002 directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. And that's right, folks. You heard it here. First, We Hate Movies Season 12 is back in, high gear already. Of course,

Patreon.com slash we hate movies. A lot of extra shit on there. You can check out the Patreon is going to be exploding this month. Speaking of amnesia and speaking of Mark Boone Jr. We're doing Memento this month. We love movies. We already recorded it and it's a really fun episode and it'll be

on the Patreon. That is right. And as always though, we're just getting started with season 12. Steve, what's going on next week? I should, Eric, what's going on next week? Yeah, that's true. Oh, boy. Hiding out.

I had amnesia for a second. We do a lot of movies. It's my baby, yeah. It's a movie where John Cryer, it goes like kind of undercover on his own as a high school student to avoid being killed by the mafia and starts having sex with students. Yep.

And I rated it three stars on Letterbox. And I rated it three and a half. Not for that reason, but here's a thing. I think Cryer's good. He's totally good in it, and it's a movie they don't make anymore. We talk about this all the time now, but these mid-level like, you know, it's

kind of a comedy, it's kind of an action movie. There's just one real star in it, and that's it. These movies don't exist. These are fucking extinct movies, and next week we'll be talking about one of them. What do you got there, Chris? That's Titanic Disrespect against John Spencer. Thank you, Chris.

It was 1987, dude, the West Wing hadn't come out yet. Nobody gave a shit about John Spencer. But until next week, when we're hiding out with John Cryer. I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric, Cisco. Chris Cabin.

Take it easy. That was a head gum podcast.