We Hate Movies - S12 Ep567: Hiding Out

Episode Date: September 14, 2021

On this week's episode, the gang continues their Back to School theme with the totally ridiculous 80s comedy, Hiding Out! Why did they make Cryer's character look exactly like Lenny Luthor? Did Keith Coogan really need to beat box in this movie? And what twisted loner dances on a graveyard wall? The kind who kiss teenage girls, that's who! PLUS: Behold! John Spencer! Cinema's worst FBI agent! Hiding Out stars Jon Cryer, Annabeth Gish, Keith Coogan, John Spencer, Nancy Fish, Richard Portnow, Tim Quill, and Oliver Cotton as the Assassin that Looks Like Dracula; directed by Bob Giraldi. Catch WHM on tour this fall! WHM Merch Store Advertise on We Hate Movies via Gumball.fm Unlock Exclusive Content!: http://www.patreon.com/wehatemovies See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week on the program, we're going back to school and laying low. It's hiding out. I'm Andrew Juppin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siska. Chris Cabin. And we hate movies. Hello everyone. Welcome to the fine program known as we hate movies. Thank you for tuning in as always. Going back to school and hiding out and laying pipe unfortunately. Holy shit. We are recording this in the AV room of a local high school

we have broken into we're trying this out just once. We're sleeping in the basement making friends with the alcoholic janitor. We're replacing the boiler. We're literally laying pipes

I wasn't referencing anything. Eric, he does not unsheat his hog in this film. He does not. He absolutely does not. He does not, but he's trying his best

to unsheat. He's building that castle before he puts in the plumbing. exactly. This is hiding out from 1987 directed by Bob Giraldi. A cursory glance over this guy's filmography. Nothing really

totally leaps out, but something caught my eye also around this time a little earlier maybe. Do you know something this guy directed? No, please. This guy directed the Pepsi commercial where Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yep, he directed

that. He directed a bunch of music. I think that's cool He tried to put a stop to it He tried He accidentally got a fax And got pissed off He made this movie And he knew what to look for

Do you think he's putting it out On his personal resume? Oh definitely Yeah That wasn't his fault No Mike this kerosene Will make your hair Really shiny

One thing up front about this movie I want to be paid in fax machine He could afford His own fax machine One thing about this movie right off the top You know where you're getting yourself into, dude Because it is a De Laurentis Entertainment Group production Which means you know that they were this close to go and bankrupt

At all times making this movie Well, I just love you see the great big Dino sign Totally, dude Honestly, mark a quality Yeah This never happens I was watching it Like my wife Jen went to do some other stuff

In the other room And I was like, she's like, I'm not going to watch a John Cryer movie that happened this this soundtrack started I was like come in here for a second and did you hear the soundtrack we watched the movie together there you go it's that 80s shit dude I'm a sucker for it she's a sucker for it she loved it of course yeah

that loved it I don't want to be clear I didn't love it she didn't love it now Eric Siska this was a Siska select so why don't you boil this fucker down for us okay so John Cryer and by the way I've seen this movie probably like five times over my life okay

just somehow was on was this on like a TBS or T&T? It was on television. Okay. Does I've cleared it up? No, like I didn't know if it was an HBO thing or like every day. I don't remember, but so the plot of this movie is basically, John Cryer is a, like this like stockbroker-esque guy in Boston, I guess. Yeah. Who, I didn't even know they had finances up there.

Oh yeah, we got wicked finance. Oh, we got fucking finances out the ass, bro. Who somehow unwittingly londers money for the mafia. is going to be killed by them because he's set to testify against them or whatever. So eventually, through the plot of the film, we'll see.

He goes to hide out in a small town with his cousin and he enrolls in school. What would you believe that? He enrolls in school. He hides out in school and he meets some people that he wants to take down with him, I guess.

This is a movie where it's like, Wow. Yeah. You know you're in serious mafia related trouble. Like hitmen would have to be coming after my ass for me to willingly sneak back and enroll in high school again. Here's the problem. At no point in the film, there's never a scene where Keith Coogan is like, hey, cuz, why are you going back in the high school? And he says, great question. And let me tell you why. They never explained why he goes back to high school. He could just hide out anywhere. He could get a hotel room and not. go outside. But this is more fun. It's Billy Madison with guns. How else am I going to get able to hit on teenagers, huh? Patrick? Explain that to me. The only way this

makes sense. And they never explain, never, it's crazy that ever explained. To be fair to the character's motivations here, he eventually goes to the school administrator's office to meet with his aunt or whatever. His aunt, who's played by John Cryer's real life mother, by the way.

Holy shit. Yeah. and they mistake him for a student. So he goes with it. So it wasn't necessarily his idea. Sure. It's not his idea. Yeah. He's like,

oh, say this might work for a while. And then like movies sometimes tend to do, especially in the 1980s, things get a little out of hands. Well, I was going to go to the library and get a copy of Ivanhoe.

But I guess I could go into ice ski. Oh, yeah, hit on some teenagers. Come on, honey. But it is like, yeah, his life would have been much easier if he just made contact with the hand. and was like, this is the deal.

I need to hide out in your house in Delaware. By the way, someone asked this on the text thread last night. Did we ever figure out other movies set in Delaware besides hiding out? Until they make the biopic of Joe Biden. Oh, yeah. Then you'll get a lot of Delaware. Yeah. I don't know of any other Delaware set movie.

It's a great question. And he gets there by train because that's how you get to Delaware, my friend. It's the only way they don't let cars in there. Also, by the way, just even hiding out with your next of kin, it seems pretty stupid to me. Also that. A huge problem. Well, the beginning of this movie, which rules, by the way,

where, you know, it's a great film. The Go-Go-80s. We're having it. John Cryer's beard, by the way, he looks like Paul McCartney and wings with this fucking. He kind of looks good with this beard. He does a fake beard, obviously. Sure, but he kind of looks good with it.

It looks like he's like doing Ellis from diehard cosplay. Yeah. Guys, come on. We saw the movie. come on, come on. No, no, no, no. He was the jerk. He was always on Coke. Come on. Don't make me say it. I'll do the thumbs up thing. Is that Ellis. God. Fuck. Ellis from Diehard. That's my Halloween costume. Fuck. I'm going home now. No, and my wife is Alan Rickman. You didn't see this? Come on. Directed the film PCU. I have this little bullet hole in my head. She's got the gun around. Come on.

There's coke in my mustache. That's a fun couple. costume, actually. It's not too bad, right? But, and like, you start and like, you don't understand what's going on, but people are taking pictures of these three young guys, stockbroker types. And, like, you find out that they are in the middle of a huge, they're about, like, days away from testifying in court, days against this huge mobster. And they are so relaxed about it, except for the one guy who buys a gun.

I'm like, I'm with you, other guy. The guy who buys the gun, the only reason he's nervous, he's like, all. the trial got delayed 30 days, so I need this gun. That's a character actor Ned Eisenberg who's been in a thousand movies. I think he like lives on the, lived on the law and order

set. Like he was there all the time. He was a judge, he was a lawyer, he was whatever, yeah, he just, you'll see him. Yeah, it's him crier and then this third guy who's just John nobody. Ahern, who just disappears. Yeah.

I think he, I think the idea is he's dead in a ditch somewhere. Well, no, they say that he testifies but clams up and doesn't say anything. Oh, what an asshole. And then the Justice Department shoots him in the hell. Yes, that's for wasting their time. Yeah. But yeah, they're

like trading stocks and everything. But like also, if you're really nervous about all this and you're about to testify against this mobster, I feel like the whole witness protection thing already has to be engaged in some degree. Big agree. And especially if it's such a huge trial and like there are

cops involved they would be like all right you know what you guys need to lay low for a couple of weeks till the trial don't wait till one of them gets assassinated you already not done your job when one of your witnesses gets assassinated are they in the same city they're all in Boston yeah and the Greek and the fucking bad guy too yeah yes yep the

what the fuck go to a farm it's insane that they're still going to work it's insane that they're still in the same city and they're still so focused on work because like they even after they go out partying at nightclubs, which that's the mafia's fucking inner sanctum. What are you doing? Yeah, totally. But then the one guy wants to leave because, oh,

you know, the Tokyo markets are opening up. Got to go fire up the modem. It's like, stop working. I guess maybe that's a little bit of a note about just the go-go 80s in general. I guess so, yeah, and yuppie culture. Well, because like, Cryer's trying to get laid. He's like, oh, I see a sexy lady

across the way there. And I'm like, that sort of makes sense you're about to die. you want to get laid. I understand that. But what if it's a hit woman? That's a good point. Well, she better do a good job. Ladies can kill too. They sure can. Definitely. You know, usually it takes 30, 40 years

of marriage. Am I right? Salute to all the lady assassins out there. Your girl bosses, I love you. Oh, yeah. But, yeah. So, like, he's trying to get laid. This one guy goes, you know, I'm going to go home. I'm going to relax. You know, he's the nervous Nelly guy.

Yeah. Going to go home, put on a CD and go right to bed. Dude, you catch a look at this fucking, like, clearly 80 pound CD player. Absolutely. What to quickly mention at the bar, Miller High Life. Oh, I understand. Because Cryer's 22 when this movie was made. And, like, that's why I guess they put him in this fucking weird.

Like, he wears this fake beard for way too long. Yeah. Oh, he's supposed to be older, though, right? Yeah. Well, they say later in the movie, the whole movie, I'm pulling my hair. Like, how old does this guy? supposed to be. Right. He says at some point, I'm almost 30, which to you, you have

to say he's either 28 or 29. Correct. You would only say that then. Yeah. So that's that says a lot about what this guy's doing in this movie, by the way, knowing how old he is. Sure does, dude. Sure does. You know, they always say like, I could go back with what I know now.

Yeah, you're not actually supposed to do it. You're supposed to give that. That's supposed to stay in the bank. So this guy goes to bed, puts on a nice CD, gets shot in the fucking head. Ooh, I think with his own gun, is that we're going to believe? That's embarrassed. A bit of a tone problem with this movie. The insane violence with the wacky hijacky.

To be fair, you don't see the guy get shot in the head. You see the gun put to his forehead and he goes, he starts to wake up like, oh, and then it just fades to white. They do try to do stuff to make it a little bit more kid friendly. Like the main assassin looks like, and they make a joke about it. He looks like Dracula. Yes. I mean, more like to be more accurate, he looks like the member of the misfits that got kicked out after the first record. But like, yeah, he looks goofy.

And you're like, okay, I guess this is funny now. I understand the tone thing. But at the same time, it's like, well, life can be funny and life can be dangerous. Sure. You know, I appreciate that in the weight of the streets. That's what's awesome about these kinds of movies, right? It's like it's a dumb as dick premise, but like they are able to ride the line of like there's mob-related hitmen and that's a plot. And then also the high stakes world of a high school class election.

Sure. This movie treats both with equal weight and movies like this don't exist anymore. The diner scenes we'll talk about in a minute is straight out of robocop. It is just like fucking great. Absolutely right out of robocop. the squibs the loud the whole goddamn thing John Cryer hilariously jumping through a window

Yes it's all great So he uh this guy dies His best bud And like he's just he's like going to work And the fucking feds finally swoop in And like we're gonna put you in a safe house And then it's two weeks passed by like that apparently Yep

This is a really fun transition I think you know the little visual comedy here Like they're grilling him At this safe house of like like what happened at Yazgar's farm or whatever and you as the audience are like oh what's this and they pull back and they're playing trivial pursuit

sure right which is fun I liked it last night I was like oh my I forgot about this part mother I was this was fun but then like immediately John Cryer is doing and think can I go out please I know my head might be blown off

and you two might be killed as well but come on I need a burger it is the obnoxious like, I got to call my clients. I'm a stockbroker. They're going to go to other brokers. First of all, guys, I mean, they're in this weird warehouse. Triple Pursuit's fine. Where's the TV?

I need a TV. Yep. I need some brew dogs. And now you got Steve Sadek in witness protection for life. They could track the TV, kid. But you're right, though. Like, this scene should have, there's like a bad college football game. Yes, exactly.

Something like that. Not, well, no, actually, no, take that back. an exact right amount of cigarette smoking in this room. Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's 1987 and we were lighten up. We need a little bit more empty pizza boxes. I'm not seeing enough here. Totally. With the Chinese food containers. Sure. Not my favorite. And WHM favorite John Spencer is like, that's a great idea kid. Let's get out. Let's go. Let's get after it. I honestly thought he was crooked. I was going this whole front of this room like, he goes to bathroom right when the fucking guy gets shot. I was like, he's crooked. I know it.

No, he's just terrible at his job. He's awful at his job. Truly terrible. Kind of surprised not more John Spencer in this mood. Yes. A bit of a bummer. Fantastic. They go to a diner and Cryer orders a double scotch, you know, in the beginning, which is dining scotch.

Dude, a waffle and a double scotch, dude, that's like me at a diner. She's like, oh, it's six in the morning or whatever. And then she said, then he says, make it a double man. That's right. totally well that's that's being hung over at a diner man you need the fucking hair of the dog and and some breakfast they try to ID him and John Smith's like you know here's the ID here's my fucking badge yeah that's right give me this fucking omelet now which I guess is like setting up like oh this guy looks young right he could actually fuck a high school student that's totally cool

I gotta say a scotch with a waffle breakfast that's your opening gambit you want your piss and your shit to be the same consistency that is what you are just getting ready for that's what it does yeah i think so i also try this experiment at home i think i think i also want coffee with like that's like a four beverage breakfast if that's the case not just the scotch and the and the thing you want all right can i go a glass of water uh coffee and a double scotch thanks so why were they up all night together that's a great question someone's sleep yeah exactly wouldn't i'd sleep a bunch i'd like dude i got nothing to do i'm just gonna take a nap well here's the thing this would have been a nice like you know movement

to see happen like in this little scene here is he goes I want that double scotch and yeah I guess some of that coffee and she goes to pour the coffee and it's like just a little bit and he's like that's enough

and then the waitress says like oh what are you talking about I barely filled it up on it and he goes no you got it just right and he dumps all the scotch in the coffee oh that would be truly something but we don't get to see any of that

because there's our fucking draculia as kit man turns around and just starts fucking firing wildly this other guy the partner in the FBI Yeah I think it's a character's name is Pratt or something and he just gets eviscerated

with this shot and it's fucking great fucking armor piercing rounds here Meanwhile John Spencer went in the back to take a wicked dump Called it a wicked dump It's great to hear John Spencer say I had to take a wicked dump Mr. President I got to take a wicked dump

McGarry My fucking armation What are you doing? You're ripping my fucking eye out. It's a little rock for you, ladies and gentlemen. He gets shot in the eye, and I thought, later in the scene, he's, when they're, during the fallout, they show him he's got like a bandage over his eye.

I was like, oh, cool, eye patched in the last scene. No, but his eyes gets better. Come on. Stupid. It graced it, I think. I think the guy shoots a, like a coffee urn and the glass goes into it. Coffee pot, man. Oh, sure.

Coffee urn. Yeah. Well, you know, my coffee died this morning. Please don't. Please be gentle with me. Well, say, Erd.

Donnie loved the ocean. What does this hiding out movie have to do with fucking Vietnam, Walter? Although this movie does mention Vietnam briefly. It does. And Cryer jumps out action movie style of the window. It's so funny because, like, I should say this was the first time ever last night I watched this movie. I did have a good time with it. this part I was like

because it's ladies and gentlemen it's John Cryer I think he's fucking great he's very funny I never thought I'd see a movie where he jumps through a fucking window so when I'm watching the movie I was like well who just jumped through that window and then I was oh it's John Cryer's character

that's weird has he ever led a movie other than this I'm trying to think I'm looking it up right now I mean he's I mean because I think that at a certain point in the 80s there was a debate of like John Cusack or John Cryer

And it obviously QSack won in a big bad way. Sure. I mean, but Cryer is smart, man. Cryer was like, you know what? I will take all of your money for that bad sitcom. Yeah. Deal with the devil, aka Chuck Lurie. And just, you know, I never watched two and a half men, but I think he's good in this movie.

I think he's good in those John Hughes movie. I like John Cryer a lot, but he is indeed a side piece. Yes. I don't quite buy him in a lead. It's just a thing I have a problem with. But it's all a balancing act, though, because he's, he's the lead in this because of course he's sidled with fucking Keith

Coogan. Well, sure. By the way, so pretty and big is 86. That's obviously the breakout. Uh, and then in 87, he's in four fucking movies. Hell yeah. He's in Morgan Stewart's coming home as the Morgan Stewart. So that's probably... I don't know what that is. I don't know.

A free-spirited teenager attempts to get back in touch with his overly conservative parents returning home for boarding school. Yeah, that's out. Then he's also in Superman for the Quest for Peace. where he's got the same haircut as in this movie see previous two episodes on that

he's in a movie called which I want to see called dudes Oh yeah dudes Three punk loving dudes In NYC Need a change

And drive it a beetle To California And then is this the Demi Moore Is that the Demi Moore movie This year too What's a Demi Moore movie? It's directed by Shatsberg It's this teen comedy

That he just did a one-off about Really? Oh, wait, hold on. Are you talking about Ose and Stiggs? No, no, no, no. Because that's on here. That's Altman. I think.

Is it? I think so. Monkey House, the waiter. It's like a, he's a photographer. Heads, maybe. No. Monkey house. You want the house to fuck her?

The Puppetus of love. I mean, this guy's career was not great, ladies and gentlemen. Well, you know, we're talking about them today. That's more than, we're not talking about you, listener. We're not talking about you who's listening to this. You didn't pretend to be in a high school, Steve. But yeah, he was, I mean, it was that, I think we talked about this on Beverly Lozano Tuna that James Pickens Jr. thing. When, like, you have, like, when you have one bite at the apple, it doesn't go great.

Somebody gives you another bite at the apple, like, on a TV show. You dig in like an eagle just digging on a fucking rock, man. Totally, dude, totally, until it fucking breaks off. I'm not moving, motherfucker. Charlie Sheen left that show. You didn't give a fuck. He stayed right there. 500 episodes or whatever the fuck.

That's commitment. You stayed through all that fucking Charlie Sheen madness that was going on when that show was still on the air and then you kept it going with Ashton Kuchar. It's like, all right, hey, look, if you're going to bring Ash and Kuchner here, you've got to give me a race.

I'm sorry, listen. Oh, absolutely. I'm going to have to talk with him. You have to understand this. It's going to make a problem for me. Chris, did you find this secret movie? Okay, so this movie is called No Small Affair. It's from 84, and it's him as like a shutterbug.

becomes obsessed with Demi Moore. And it's directed by Jerry Shatsberg, the great director behind Scarecrow and the Panic and Needle Park. And it's just this like teen stupid movie. It's awful. I got to see it. That sounds great, honestly.

I love, so after he jumps out the window, there's like a chase through Boston kind of and he makes his way to train, like a train, the train station. I guess it's Union Station or whatever. What's Boston's trains?

Hmm. Who cares? The point is, He's running on the tracks. He catches up very like, you know, the fugitive or like Hitchcock or something, like grabs onto a train. I love him giving the finger to the assassin. That's pretty great.

I also, well, the weird thing is his shirt is, it looks like a fucking reservoir dog. Totally. And then when he gets to Delaware, he's just walking around. With blood on him, yeah. The conductors are like, uh, tickets are also, who did you kill? A dog. I'm sorry. When he gets to Delaware and he gets to a store and everyone's looking at him, he's

I had a bloody nose like a real bad bloody nose. Like a real bad. No. No, you're covered in blood. My favorite thing about him running for the train is like this assassin is shooting at him while there are all these things blocking him. And then at the end when there's nothing like there's a good like, I don't know, like maybe like 50 feet there where there's nothing block him. He's like, I know what? He won this one. You know what? I give this one to him. Yeah, you know what? If I shot him now, you know, we probably don't have much of a movie. Where's the challenge? Yeah, he goes to Delaware. He gets a change of

outfit. He dyes and also dies and it's a thing he does as you've been to this like weird wingtip blonde thing. Yeah, blonde on the sides only like a skunk like a reverse skunk. Also like blonde makes sense. You know, you shave your fake beard. That's easy to do. Oh, I'll just rip this off real quick. I would go full blonde if I was hiding from the mafia. But I think. But I think the thing is like full blonde you're like that's a disguise but you see like the the polly walnuts you know like punk rack poly walnuts then it's like well and he has to intend to live his life like that well you want to you want to stand out as much as possible you want to draw as much attention to yourself well i guess he's trying to pose as like a punk kid i guess the idea

because at this uh rest stop area he gets a skeleton t-shirt which is pretty good find for this place, I've got to say. And he still wears the slacks and then he trades his jacket for, you know, there's a hobo outside. My favorite scene in the movie is this hobo trading jackets with John Cryer

for a pack of cigarettes. Pretty great. It's just this random like assortment of homeless people hanging out this huge field. And it's the one, it's like one of the scenes in the movie that actually feels like it goes on longer than it should. Yeah. The rest of it seems kind of well-paced, but this one is going on for a while to the point where

This dude is like, hey, fellows, look what I got. Cigarets. Italian jacket, fellas. Also, all right. Then everyone he's meeting is just like, oh, my God, he smells like shit. I mean, the stench on this jacket. Could you imagine? Yeah.

A big heavy wool jacket. This guy's been sleeping, fucking shitting in. Got to stop at a dry cleaners. Yeah, yeah. Coded and aged vomit. Oh. I do love, there's a great gag around here where he tries to call, or he calls the house and Keith Coogan answers

the phone and it's just like he's like Keith Coogan is 1987 he's like 15 or 16 making this movie very much still a disgusting shit boy status here and he's going he's like you know Cryer is saying like oh put aunt whatever on the phone and he's like

talking his ear off about getting his learner is perfect this woman finally gets on the phone and Cryer's character's name is Andrew and she's like Andrew is that you oh that picture of you in the paper was terrible kind of like the biggest laugh of the movie for me it's weird

so like yeah his aunt is like yeah I'm coming in I gotta hide with you guys like oh okay and then he gets the idea again he's just walking in this outfit and he's like I guess I'm just gonna go to the local high school for literally no I don't know he's supposed to meet her there because she said she's the school nurse

got it and she says okay when you get into town I'm going to work meet me at the school office and we'll go from there make sure you're dressed up just like a teenager would be and then sit down right outside the principal's office. I like the school setting here because it's like

one of those schools that doesn't give a shit the dejected school administrator just like calling him Sean like get in here Sean. Oh, there has to be some type of mistake. Oh, was it a mistake when you took a blow torch to the couch in the teacher's lounge? Man, I won't go to this high school.

It sounds a lot more inventable. Seriously, Jesus Christ, it's off the chain. Yeah. Yeah, so he goes in and he meets up with Keith Coogan and he gets, well, this is the thing. Of all the improbable nonsense in this movie, I don't think a teenager can just go into a school and sign up to be in the school. Well, see, what happens here. Now, I think they're trying to circle around that logic a little bit. It doesn't really hold water.

But some old lady in the administrator room or whatever is like, are you supposed to be here? Oh, no, I'm new. Oh, here's your pass to go to the register. So now it's like I've got an official thing from... Right. Somewhere. The head office to go to the registrar's office. And then when he makes up his name is pretty fucking...

It's the usual suspects? Yeah, absolutely. Because there's a Maxwell House cup of a pot of coffee. He's like, my name's Max. Houser. Yep, Maxwell Houser. By the way, I think this influence usual suspects. I think this is the movie that made that happen.

They were watching this right before they put the cameras on. And then I worked at a restaurant called Half and Half. Oh, not good. Oh, boy. My father was the jolly green giant. Leave a lunch out on the table. Oh, you should have said Mr. Coffee. I will say the, I think it's the episode,

the Leslie Nielsen movie, whatever, the fugitive knockoff. Wrongfully accused. Right. Does a, I think a very funny bit. about a usual suspects joke where he's just where he's just

he's like my name is John Fishing like he's just like looking at his side it's like it's on YouTube you'll find it you'll you'll cackle if you watch you know where that's not funny

and I just rewatched it I've been doing a real like early early aughts like curiosities like going back dudes I rewatched that first scary movie one that thing

it's a fucking minefield dude it is a mine feel and they got worse as it went that like I think up until like the last one where the fucking they knocked on the door is like yeah you can't do this anymore I just I never liked any of those movies I guess I think I only saw the first two but how did it hold up for you I mean there are funny things in the movie but like the fucking homophobia transphobia date rape jokes and the mentally challenged like the guy who's playing the David Arquette character is just like mentally disabled and that's the joke and the end of the movie is he's like the third killer and the way they do it is like they do a fucking usual suspect's ending where like his walk changes and he rips off his fake mustache and he's like he's just this handsome dude that gets in a sports car with um uh uh sherry o terry's character who's like the Courtney Cox stand in and they just like drive off and I was like oh and like meanwhile back in the police station like Anna Ferris's character is having the usual suspects moment and you're just like I think it's the second or third one that has the opening with James Woods that's the second movie yeah so they just really doubled down as it went back who would have ever thought that a 1980s comedy about an adult going to high school and meeting a lady there meeting a child there a child would be so much less problematic

than an aughts movie. Well, the aughts went really hard because it was very much about like, are you offended? Yeah. Good. You know what I mean? Is that worse shit?

Sean Wayan's character, Ray is like, he's just a gay guy. And that's the joke is he keeps doing quote unquote gay things. It's the whole. F and whole movie. I never care for it.

It's terrible. But anyway, speaking of parents, movies doing usual suspects things there you go yeah but so he winds up going and also speaking about the length this movie goes for this gay joke

I just I don't even know so he goes into health I assume it's health class or some sort of yeah like human sexuality and it's like all right ladies gentlemen we were talking about alternate sexuality sexual preference yeah it's like all right this is something I don't think

is taught very much at high school specifically in the 1980s I don't know You catch the teacher here? Uncle Frank. Absolutely. Look what you did, you little jerk. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird.

We've got one side is heterosexuality, and on the other side, homosexuality. Look who you fucked, you little jerk. Say that again, I'm getting hard. Oh, you're cooking, Frankie. So, yeah, I mean, yeah. so it's health class and he's trying to get Patrick Keith Coogan's attention by waving at him while he's while the teacher's asking like I don't expect anyone to announce that the raise their hand heterosexual or whatever yeah or raise their hand and he does so that's

the joke he's like flailing I'm like wait till the fuck exactly classes wait till the bell rings please but I will say this teacher at least at least he they outline now everyone has experienced range from every part of the spectrum, including homosexual, you know. That's what's weird is like, it's almost inclusive, but not. Yeah, it's a weird thing where like you expect also because it's fucking Uncle Frank. And I'm sure the actor who played Uncle Frank is a really nice person, but like I just think of him as Uncle Frank. Yeah, it was like a hard ass.

So you don't expect Uncle Frank, you know, I'm waiting for Uncle Frank to have a fucking slur thrown in or make like a gag sound or something. It is weird that that works out that way, but then there's a joke. where he follows him into the bathroom afterwards. We should say Keith Coogan, because of the shave and the hair dyeing, he doesn't recognize John Cryer. Even though it's your, I mean, I guess you would. I mean, I guess we don't know how often he's seeing,

how often he's getting down from Boston to Delaware. Well, it's kind of, and I'll admit this on the air, I have an uncle that I barely see, and he looks very much like the character actor from the thing, Richard Mazur. Oh, okay. Oh, right. There was a really long time

I didn't see him and I knew that he looked like Richard Mazer from various movies. So in my brain he was played by Richard Mazer. Of course. Like if I saw Richard Mazer out,

oh, it's Uncle David. So theoretically he could be like, oh, my cousin looks exactly like Ellis from Diehard. And then like if Ellis from Diehard isn't walking into class, right. You could see that being the case.

Wait, so the next time you saw your uncle David, did you not recognize him because he actually didn't really look that much like Richard? No, I was able to put it together. He was in disgusting. at your school, right? Yes.

You're like, oh, yeah, you're my uncle David. Let me see some ID, Mr. S. 68 year old man went back to high school. He started macking on the ladies in front of you. All the ladies in an all-boys Catholic school. The sexuality class scene is worse, double worse, because

when, so Keith Coogan looks back and sees him. Yeah. And the reaction he has, I took it as, oh, that's my cousin. Shit. Yes, yeah, totally. That's what you think it at first. But it turns out when you get to this bathroom, what actually happened was he thought that that guy was just aggressively, silently hitting on him in the middle of class. And he was like, oh, wait, you're my cousin?

Oh, I had no idea. But there's also an in-bathroom freak out that happens. Cryer follows him into the bathroom. And like, Keith Coogan is screaming about like what he's doing. the old no homo. There's like a line of like, you know how the thing? It was like the heterosexualities over here

and homosexuality. And I'm way the fuck over there. That's right. It's a little aggressive. Yeah. You touch aggressive. He's kind of freaking out. And then he's like, no, you know,

you know, I love you. And Keith Coogan almost throws up. And he's like, I love you like a cousin. Like your cousin, Andrew. And like this kid is really slow on the uptake. It takes him a bit to understand what's happening. And so now, and at this point, this is where the scene where he's like, what the hell are you doing in high school? And he's like, great question.

Let me explain it to you. And can I get the camera right here? Yeah. Okay. This is what I'm doing in high school. This is why I'm here. Because that's, I need that in this movie. I don't know why it's not here.

It's kind of nuts that it's not. Isn't it sexier if you don't know? It's a bit sexy. It's in the title. He's hiding out. That's all you need to know. But you're saying through like all of this. movie, Keith Kugan doesn't know what's going

on? No, he does, but it's never like, why are you in high school though? Right. That's the, like, he knows that he's hiding from the mafia. Because I want to fuck children. That's the only thing that can happen. I think it's like, it's the last place they'll look or something. Or like, that way you're under kind of

lock and key in the school. Try it Ace Hardware. I don't think they're looking there either. This was before school shootings. Nowadays, the mafia might enroll you in high school to try to kill you. Yeah. Good long game, honestly.

He gets into a scuffle with the hard ass history teacher here because he's smoking cigarettes in the hallway. Oh, sure. This lady who played the murderous evil nurse and what the fuck, Exorcist 3. Epchis! It's two in the morning. Oh, wow, it's her.

Yeah, the landlady from the mask also. She's great whenever she pops up and stuff. Quite a presence. I mean, she's part of, I think, one of the great is jump scares in horror history is in the mask. He was out very late. That's amazing.

Yikes. But yeah, she's like giving him guff about like smoking in school. It is fucking hilarious. Like, you know, I feel John Cryer's character like there's a lot on the line here. Maybe stop forgetting what you're doing. He's constantly forgetting

that it's hiding out as a high school student. Exactly. Just lighting up cigarettes in the hallway. Keith Coogan's, like the fuck are you doing man this is a high school and like yeah the lady gives him shit and he kind of like backs off he uses a great excuse of it's my first day but you got to you got to do it got to at least once oh my old high school is that frowned upon because i have to say we were smoking in class every day in my old school oh so i shouldn't be taking uppers in math class

okay that's good for me to know one thing that i will say about this movie specifically which i find interesting is the amount of black students is really and like the amount of like because usually in these 80s comedies like black is either a black comedy or it wasn't or if it's not then you get in that like weird animal house horse shit where it's like wrong side of the tracks in quotation marks but like this is a pretty well integrated school where they're just like black students that are just kind of fun and hanging around like everybody else and it's weird to say that that's a positive but for an 80s movie it is it definitely is because like a lot of times when they show a school like this, like this is

the school that's going to be condemned, because look at them. Oh my God! Yes. Like the principal. Yeah. Exactly. The principals like that. Or even like, you know, all that fucking John Hughes stuff, like the black stuff is horrible. Like the way that they treat black students. Absolutely awful. It's always like, and this is the one black student that you're

either afraid of or whatever. You know what I mean? It's usually afraid of like, uh-oh, it's the black student and you run away from him kind of a thing. Yeah. It's just kind of, it's everything play it where it lands. Or like he's an untouchable star like Whitaker and Fast Times. Yes. Yes.

Which is also, he's used exclusively for like intimidation tactics. And this, like there's the fun rap kids and like, it's kind of lame that Keith Coogan wants to be like one of them. But it is kind of, it's endearing at the very least. Like he's just enamored with the culture and he wants to like know how to rap. And it's lame.

I mean, let's just say, I'm thankful there is just a few seconds of Keith Coogan trying to beat box and then the movie just forgets that that happened. Unless, unlike weird science with fucking, uh, and, uh, what's his face? Anthony Michael. Anthony Michael Hall when he's in the jazz club.

Oh, Jesus. Dude, that will, that move, that nukes that movie for like four minutes. Also speaking to Keith Coogan, there's some not great stuff in adventures and babysitting. Sure. But yeah, it's always like the animal house, mind if we dance with your dates. Exactly. It's that kind of joke. But like here, again, like it's a really low bar.

but the movie clears it which is just like there's a lot of black students in the school and that's kind of it I told you guys it was a good movie it's kind of an important

plot point to mention here he's carrying around like a card that he's trying to mail to his grandmother he and Keith Coogan go to the town diner for a minute

this place is something else it's disgusting you could buy cigarettes there A plus there's pool tables in the back pool tables in the back there's definitely like

a rack that you can just buy like pieces of candy from candy bars and whatnot? Yeah, I guess was this like a sock hop back in the day and this is what it's aged into. It could have been. Because they're like getting slushies there and stuff. It's weird. It's like part convenience store, like general store. Yeah. I think it's like

because the high school's there, this is the business. Oh, sure. Yeah. And they're cleaning up clearly. Yeah. You know. I get your fake credentials done in the back. Oh, yeah. Definitely making fake IDs in the back room. It looks disgusting. I wouldn't eat anything in this place. Anybody notice.

who the waitress was. No. It's a Joy Behar. It is exactly Joy Behar, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. I saw her in it and I was like, wait, where was she? It was like, wait. Yeah. Wait. The wait. Yeah. And she's just Joy Beharring around, you know, harassing Megan McCain, who's like three. It's really where the baby comes in. And she starts yelling at this baby like, she's an idiot. And it's really bizarre. The baby's like, my dad was an idiot. And it's a really weird thing. Sometimes the baby is an idiot. Look, your daddy's not coming back, okay? You're going to be here for a while. She's a piece of shit.

Not Joy Behar. But the point being that whole at the end of it, he drops the envelope on the floor and then some girl finds it, gives it to Joy Behar. And Joy Behar is like, I'll mail it off. Can I tell you guys about Keith Coogan's, like, bedroom in this movie. He's got a sweet setup, dude.

Growing up back in the day, you know, a thousand years ago when I was a child, watching this movie and also brain scan, previous episode. Yep. Those are the two childhood bedrooms

I always idolized. Like I'd watch this movie and I'd be like, fuck, I wish I had like this cool attic bedroom top floor. No one's coming up behind you, you know? The converted attic, I think, is better than the converted basement.

Absolutely. It's the better scenario. I mean, the only good thing about the converted basement is you usually have a separate entrance. So that's kind of a nice deal. But smoke rises, so you're going to want to get in that attic. That's why, like, fucking Kevin McAllister and Home Alone, I'm like,

you should be fucking happy you're up in the attic away from the fucking monsters. Well, I think maybe he's just pissed off because he had to share the bed with Fuller. That was the problem. Look, you just have to take the good size of things. Okay, there, Kevin. But yeah, I do love this bedroom. It's really cool. Yeah.

He hides in the laundry when the mother goes spot. again I guess he could just come clean and just hide out and not go to high school sure but instead he decides to hide from the woman he was supposed to meet so now the aunt thinks he's probably been assassinated somewhere like I think John Spencer didn't do a great job where like

when John Cuthsack should just or John Cryer should be like well why can't I just go to my aunt's place well that's the last place you should go because you're not only putting yourself in danger you're putting them in danger as well absolutely John Cryer cinema's worth or John

Spencer Spencer Cinema's worst FBI agent Yeah it's bad It's really really bad Actually there's a scene where like After the melee At the fucking diner And Spencer has got this thing over his eye

And his boss is like The DA is chewing them out Like now we have no witnesses I can't believe this And he's just like You've got to find him You've got two weeks to find him And you kind of expect more John Spencer

For that for that exact scene Is his lieutenant or whatever puts him on a clock to find this guy. So, like, theoretically, there should be some scenes of him, like, pursuing him. Yeah, like walking around this town or some other town, doing like an Ed Rooney kind of thing, walking around trying to find him.

Or if it's maybe John Spencer also enrolls in high school. Maybe. I'm on a skateboard. Hello, fellow kids. Now, yeah, I was in the swim team in my other high school. I can do a dive for you. triple ending. There's one scene where he does finally get to town and John Cryer realizes it's because he's been using his ATM card at the bang. Fucking idiot. Total moron. But that's

really it. That's my problem. I told him to use that. What is this line the mother has here where she's yelling at Keith Coogan about the fucking laundry? This sanctum is worse than the black hole of Calcutta. Yeah, the black hole of Calcutta. What is that? She's always saying that she has she been to calcutta no i think it was just a bad scene in calcutta is my guess i mean calcutta this has been an expression i've heard it yes oh is that right oh yeah i don't know if i don't know black hole per se but there's definitely been some because i think like uh uh our elders viewed the idea of the city of calcutta as being dirty and dangerous yes it was a dungeon in calcutta oh that was called the black

hall of Calcutta. Oh. 1756. So a little before my time. A good year for jails. I think that's also where, what was it? Pagoda stabbed Royal Tenenbaum. That's right. That's right. In Calcutta. Okay. Well, so it's a real thing. I had just never heard. Yeah. Me neither. I would be, I just assumed Calcutta's a very fun city to say. Yeah. It's a nice

word. I think that's part of the reason people repeat that. So we have like his first day of like mixing it up in the school. He goes to history class and here's the actress Nancy Fish this is the woman from The Exorcist 3 and the mask she's doing a little bit of this like

I never thought about this I was really interested as well until like Trump happened but like teachers given their own opinion in school like I guess I just always assumed you there was a code and you just taught the facts and whatnot

but obviously we don't learn all that we're supposed to. But this woman in this class is literally like that Richard Nixon got a raw deal. And you're just like, wait, I'll be honest. I was too dumb to like subvert my teachers or piss them off too much. So I don't know what this even would be like. Annabeth Gish writes a paper that's like, who's the sort of female lead in this movie, about what a piece of shit Nixon was. Right. And she gets a big fat F. And this teacher has given her a bunch of shit because like

Nixon got a raw deal because it's weird. Yeah, I never thought about that period in history, but there would obviously be a bunch of people who were like, no, Nixon did nothing wrong. You know what I mean? And now you don't see it that way. Right. Yeah. And so like she's pontificating about all of this and Cryer is just getting

disgusted in his seatless out of this shit. But like some of her lines are so good like and Nixon's countrymen betrayed him. That's right. And he was targeted and he was a victim. It's witch hunt shit. It's the fucking Republican Party has been saying the same fucking shit

since the 70s. Well, fucking like what, 20 years later he'd be like, yes, and that's true. Saddam Hussein did do 9-11. As we all know, he was the one who did it. I mean, and that's the terrifying thing now. There's got to be, right? I mean, there's got to be teachers that are like,

Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. And that's why we had to go to war in Iraq. I had a civics teacher who did profusely, like, say how much he loved Richard Nixon, et cetera. But he was doing satire. It was actually pretty brilliant. He was kind of like the Colbert Report before the Colbert report. Oh, wow.

Yeah. That's kind of cool. Yeah, it was fun. So he's like, listen to me, kids. Do you see how fucking stupid I sound? Yeah, he was like. There's people that actually believe what I'm saying. He would like do that shit and then like he would break the character at the end of the

class and be like, so Eric, did you, do you see American Psycho? We're going to talk about this movie for a second. It's a positive teacher Positive influence That would be nice So yeah Like she's like Oh well excuse me

Mr. John Clark Mr. Hauser here Do you have something to say And he like Lays into it About Nixon being a piece of shit You know He designed in disgrace

We won Vietnam We won it you piece That's why you got the F W-O-N-1 We came in first place in Vietnam Um, God. And, you know, he resigned to disgrace. He had it all on tape.

He can, you know, like he just, he brought his own downfall. And it's kind of interesting. She's like, I will tell you what the facts are in this. None is real old enough. It's terrifying. It's just, it's exactly, you're just watching it unfold. And Annabeth Gish is like, say. And now we have to get into Annabeth Gish.

She was. Cryros 22 in this movie was made. she is 16 when this movie comes out. Right. Really? She looks like a baby. She looks like a child. And Adamethkish famously of the X-Files, et cetera, et cetera.

Agent Reyes, dude. Agent Reyes. She was in West Wing. West Wing. And she's a gorgeous woman. And I was like, she looks kind of weird. And I'm like, oh, she's a child. Like, you know what I mean?

It was this weird thing. I was like, oh, she's like 16. Because even in the Haunting of Hillhouse, a little older, she's supposed to play like the old crone, whatever. Which is hilarious. It is. It is. Like, yeah, all right. He's like, she's the old crone, whatever, a housemaid or whatever. And I'm like,

well, that's still doing it for me, guys. I hate to bring it to you. That was bad casting. You could put her in the doughtiest dress you want. It's Adamethish. But in this movie, I was like, something's up. Oh, she has like baby fat because she's literally a child. I thought she looked, like when she was much younger, it looks like she could have been

related to I own sky. Yes, an I own sky thing. But it's weird to have her, in all the time, whenever you're cast. these things, like 90210, 101, whatever. You always have 20 year olds playing high school students. That's what you needed here, folks.

Yeah. That's what you needed here. I mean, I guess if it's a thing where it's like... Or just not do this plot, really. They'll also not do the plot. It would be great. Yeah, I was... This also wasn't good, but I was about to say, like, oh, why doesn't he... I guess this is kind of better.

Why doesn't he, like, try to hit on like a teacher? Yes, that's a much better movie. Because then it's at least, like, if they fall in love and then the teacher's like this is wrong he's like actually I'm 29 years old and I'm hiding from Is that never been kissed? That is never Oh you're right that totally

But that's earlier on I mean this later on I think that makes a much better story It's like oh wow we're attracted to each other And she's like this is so wrong no I'm actually fucking 29 so we're good to go Yeah let's fucking get bucket as opposed to I'll wait till you're in college I mean after you read the catcher in the rye

then we can do it. At least it's that and it's not like, again, an animal house-esque. Yes. You know. But like the reason that she's attracted to him, the reason that all these kids start to love him, one of the kids says it was a noble move,

what he did there in the classroom. They want to nominate him for class president. He becomes a celebrity because he stood up to that teacher. Right. This teacher, I guess, is like clearly famously hated by the entire student body. And if he was just, if he acted like a real,

school student. I was just, I'm sorry, can I head down? He would have been fine. He wouldn't have had the lady troubles. That's right. Well, that's what this O'Rourke guy is. Oh, O'Rourke. I need this guy to be chanted his name in the hallway. He needs to be like a

Steve Holt kind of character. Yeah. The problem with Kevin O'Rourke is this. He is both hot and smart. Yeah, you got to split that shit in half. I'm sorry. Just a jock that this teacher likes because he's easy to manipulate. I guess. But he's, like, good at all of his classes, it seems.

Or is it, that's the sense you get. I feel like that's the thing is we need to know more about this high school. Are teachers giving him like a pass in order for him to do sports or something? Well, I think this crooked teacher wants to fucking sleep with him. I think so, too. That would be a good movie, right? Yeah. I think that you'll probably see that on once in a lifetime at some point. That's got to be a lifetime movie somewhere.

Definitely. There was an FX series, a teacher. There was a movie, too. Yes, that's right. I do recall that. With the other Mara. The other Mara. The other Mara.

That sucks. That's the truth, though. No, it doesn't sucks that you said it. It sucks for Kate Mara. But yeah, so like Annabeth is like, wow, you really stood up for me today. And he's like, yeah, I know. Maybe we should go out sometime. He's like, that's a great idea.

I'm only 29 years old. Could you imagine, ladies and gentlemen, being in your almost 30s and dating a 16th? Like, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to talk about? No, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

See, they both have the same interests. They don't like Nixon. Sure. There you go. That's it. That's very rare those days. I couldn't imagine what else they would talk about. I mean, they go roller skating later.

They have fun, I guess, in those moments. But what are, what is those conversations we're not seeing? Well, that's a weird thing is because he's like, oh yeah, you don't like Nixon. I don't like Nixon. She even goes on to say her views of Nixon are shaped by her dad, her father. You have to go and pick up this girl from her fucking father's house. You fucking ape. Dude, and he, so he's going up to the door and he's like talking to himself like before he rings the doorbell and he's like, oh, please.

What's her name is Ryan in this movie? He's like, oh, Ryan, I hope you answer the door. It's about a long time since I'd had to talk to a girl's father or something like that. It's like, dude, if you are running that back in your head, why don't you fucking pull the rip cord and abort this date? But, you know, it goes well because this is a charge. man. And he can charm the dad's pants off as well. This guy's got like these model fighter planes because I guess he was a pilot in Vietnam. And oh, what's this? Lo and behold, he's doing his taxes on the computer. And, you know, being a financial genius, Maxwell Houser tells him how to save a thousand dollars. This is pretty great. He's like, oh, you're doing your return? Oh, are you, he's like, you're taking the standard deductible? You're going bit by bit. He's like, you're taking the standard deductible? You're going bit by bit. He's like, well, yeah, I'm itemizing. And he's looking through it.

And he's like, oh, you see right there, if you moved that there and put that over there, well, I just saved you $1,000. Yeah. And this dude buys it. I'd be like, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't take advice from a 16-olds. Yeah, he's a teenager, you fucking idiot.

Don't tell me what to do with my job. What's great, too, is he, like, insults his own daughter in this moment, too. And you're in the same classes with Ryan's? She's just dumb as a brick. I mean, my own daughter, she's never. impressed me like this, my goodness. I mean, you blow through her ear, it whistles. But the father loves him because of this

and like that rapport is struck, he would be okay with them getting married. I'm positive of it. And he treats them to dinner. And she's like, wow, that's surprising. My dad was just complaining on the heating. I guess he saved some sort of, this guy's about to fucking end it all

in a couple of days. I think it's like, oh, fuck, you know, here comes the tax man. Financial ruin. Dude, I've been buying all these model jets and fucking airplane glue and whatnot. sniffing the glue and go nuts. My glue budget, I'm just going

through it because I keep sniffing it all. I guess I don't have to family annihilate myself after all. You know what, Ryan, you and your little boyfriend here, 20 bucks, go enjoy the sock up. Did you hear that house? I don't have to burn you down now. I can just say goodbye to this revolver

I bought last week. But this is another instance of... Maybe the voices will stop too. Maybe more drugs is the answer. And talking to that kid. This is another instance, though, John Cryer forgetting that he's a fucking 30-year-old man. Because, like, the guy's like, oh, do you want something to drink? And he's like, yeah, scotch and soda.

Soda. I was joking. He does these moments, John Cryer, where he's like, bad joke. He just like blurts out, like, bad joker. I didn't mean that. I kind of have an upset stomach. Can I get an unsure soda? Well, he's also like this weird almost.

most alcoholic, it seems like he's always drinking scotch, man. What were you at 29? What am I now? Also, day trader. I mean, just the, yeah, that's a good job. It's all fucking. Where's the, where's the, where's the blow? is my question. Where's the blow? Big question. Also, yeah, but like he needs

the scotch to coat his fucking stomach lining because he's got the ulcer. Yeah. That's a good point. Probably has an ulcer. So they go skating and then this is another time. It's him and Ryan run on skates and he's just, you know, an actual roller skating rink because it's the 1980s and he's like man I haven't skated in 15 years and she's like

when you were two and it's like no when I was uh your age what exactly you know I appreciate that we got like Roy Orbison going on on the soundtrack we're actually paying for music it's not just Roy Oberson it's a duet of Roy Orbison and KD Lang that's right doing the Roy Orbison song yeah yeah in my defense yeah and also we get the cameo did you see this on the Tribune trivia and trivia? Camio in the roller rink The old people Announcing the couple's skate

The actual owners of the roller ring Wow that's looking at fucking North Carolina royalty right there Wow I wonder if they felt okay with being like Wait wait wait you're gonna rent my roller ring Okay that's good Wait you're gonna make it Delaware Get the fuck out of here

You know and the weird thing about this scene too Because this is where like he starts falling for her And her falling for him She's a child. She's beautiful. So he's really going. But the thing that's weird is like, you know, in real life, their age gap is not as large as it is in this movie.

Sure. They have good chemistry together. So it's weird when you're watching the movie and you're like, oh, this scene's playing nice. They're getting, oh, no, nope, she's a kid. She's supposed to be a kid in this movie and he's supposed to be an adult. Got it. Okay.

There's a moment of dialogue here that's like, you start to think like, oh, he's just saying this because he's hiding out. He doesn't want her to know. But it seems genuine when she asks about his parents. that they died in a car accident and he was raised by his grandmother. No, no, it's okay. Like, it's not, you know, it's fine.

The Spider-Man kind of a situation. I kind of, I'll be honest, I did pay attention. I was just, I saw Ron and I lean there running the roller skate rink and I was like, that's it. I don't care what else is going on. That's hometown pride right there. To Steve's Spider-Man point, he is trying to shoot

webs. It's true. John Crayer would have been a good Spider-Man in the 80s. You know? I could have watched that. Yeah. A 1980s. Spider-Man film? Totally, yeah. I would watch it. Maybe that would have been Alan René's version. He always was going to do one. He was friends with Stan Lee. They were like very close friends. That's news to me. And he loved comic books

and he was really into Spider-Man and he wanted to do it. And Spider-Man will smoke cigarettes and have a little macchiato. He keeps on getting lost in memories. He actually doesn't do anything. Weird, like, side plot to this movie is Keith Kugin's terrible at driving. I only bring it up because the driving instructor played by the great Dick Portnau, Richard Portnau himself in this movie as the, you know, under siege fucking driving at driver's ed instructor because Keith Kukin sucks shit at driving in this movie. He's wearing like a neck brace at some point and he does fail him at the end of it. just on his driver's test and then at the end he's like,

and you still have hell to look forward to. I've experienced a bunch about as much pain as anybody has sitting in the car with you. So the other thing, so like, you know, Hitman's story is one thing. Class election is another thing. A bunch of kids approach John Cryer

in the bathroom and they're like, hey man, we're going to install you as like the president of the class. Run by this one kid named Clinton. and it's him and his friends that like to rap and they're doing like really bad raps for

Max's the man is gonna do the thing campaign related raps you'd say Oh that shudder and do so It's chilling It's totally chilling But it's like yeah It's those guys Keith Kugan's there There's some other fucking

White kid with a bad haircut Hanging around And they're like hey man We'll just we'll run the whole campaign For you And you're just gonna be our guy Because you told off the teacher And it's all that

that fucking dumb ass like running for class president shit of like yeah extend the lunch hour make classes shorter I don't know if I had a class per I really I'm thinking back I have no idea

there certainly was never maybe there was an election I didn't participate the better term would have been class suckup it was always the biggest suckup or the most popular kid it was one or the other you did have a class president

we definitely had school elections absolutely I don't I don't think I did. I don't know though. Yeah, we did. We had the whole thing. There was like a president, a vice president, a treasurer. The kid who was the vice president, super sweet guy. Yeah, he was very popular, but he was a cool dude. Anyone who was that in disgrace

or? I mean, not that I recall. No, no, no. But Tracy Flick did great. Pick, flick, indeed. Maybe my school did. I probably just didn't go enough. Yeah. It's too cool. Smoking cigarettes with John Spencer. Yeah. Yeah. But like, have you seen this kid?

I've been looking for this kid. I know. know what I'm doing. It was for people who wanted to be at school longer, basically. You don't want the day to end at three. Be the class president. That's why I did zero electives. But the thing, I know we got some younger listeners out there. So if you're, you know, stay in school.

If you're younger, one, please stay in school, absolutely. But if you're considering running for class office, here was a detail. I don't think they let you in on until way later. And this was something I realized when it came time for mine, the elected officials of your high school class would have. This is the way our high school handled it. Responsible for organizing the 10-year reunion. Oh, Jesus.

So all of a sudden, this guy's been lit. This death pack that you get signed into in your 17. This guy's been living his life for fucking 10 years. And then all of a sudden, the chicken comes home to a ruse. And he's got to organize this party. You'll never survive the reunion. Yeah, yeah. We know you're the class president.

And now you're managing a bow jangles. But could you get this together for us, please? One day. you'll be called upon for the reunion. You have to call people who don't like you. Get the Rolodex out, you fucking loser. You know, in this bathroom scene where they're like pitching it to him and whatever, I have to say, a bit of costuming here pretty rad.

You catch Keith Kugan's fucking country western shirt he's got on? Yeah, it's pretty sharp. I kind of want it. There's some good threads in this. There were a couple good wardrobe choices. Yeah. I have skipped every high school reunion that I've had. I don't know if mine ever did one.

I went to the 10-year one. Well, the weird thing is, again, it's an all-boys school. So, like, nobody kind of gives it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm sure that might sound weird. But again, it's just this weird thing. Like, when it's all guys, everyone's just like, I don't know what I'm talking to ever.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, you went to a Catholic school. On top of an all-boys school, it was a Catholic school. I feel one of the things there, dude, is the hesitancy on the whole reunion situation is, uh-oh, if we all get back together, Is someone reenacting the plot of sleepers? Also, like, gathering, that's kind of like a coven. Maybe that's like a pack with Satan.

I will say one good thing, it would probably, one thing it is probably good for is if you're single. Mm. If you're, if single, it's probably a good singles meetup. I couldn't imagine going to an all boys high school. It happened, dude. Yeah. Don't tell him it didn't it.

No, I believe you. I'm sure it happened. But it's a ball. It's like, you know what I could see actually being a good thing as well. Yeah. It's like a double-edged sword. Exactly. There's less like,

there's less bullying because there's no sexual, whatever. I mean, it's not trying to impress people as much maybe. Exactly. You're not trying to be like, oh, look,

look, I'm making fun of the nerd. I mean, there's bullying for sure because it's a bunch of kids, but like less so. It was, it was just very prison-esque.

You know what I mean? Like, well, that was my high school too. Yeah. You know, just sort of, there's just no,

there's no end in sight. You're wearing uniforms every day. You're, you're sneaking cigarettes out there. This thing is like, I'm like, you're trading pornography in the hallway. Uniforms, that's a way to not really make a fashion foul. Exactly.

And it did cut out on all that. Wait a second. Trading pornography in the hallway? Oh, yeah. Like slipping each other's hands? Like you're giving someone like a bag of weed? Little doodles you did? Or is this the real stuff?

The printouts. Buddy of mine had a business. He had illegal cable. You would give him a tape and he would put on the spice channel. Yep. Hit record when he went to bed. whatever he got, he got. You'd get a six-hour tape, five bucks.

That's a great, great idea. We should start doing this. I had a small, I think we would. Eric, you want to sell VHS tapes of pornography? Yes, we'll go back to high schools and do it. They wouldn't even know how it would play. Kids from the 90s will love it, Steve. See this little black box?

There's six hours of porno on here. If you figure out how to unlock the shit, it's yours. Kids are like breaking it against rocks. Like, baby? There's more than six hours of port on my iPhone right now. Some strange man told me there were titty pictures.

That's what's going on. Six hours worth of Alyssa Milano in that fucking vampire movie. Wait, what? She's like naked. There's some vampire movie there. She's naked all the fuck over. Can't just throw out this shit

and not give me a title. I can't believe this. It has vampire in the title. Just look on her. Elizabeth Milano in vampire shit. I will say I had a small business similar. I was not, I didn't,

I wasn't ambitious like that guy. Don't, don't incriminate yourself, Chris. I would print out pornography pictures for a dollar. Oh. And the local guys were crazy about it. Really,

you're going down with the old watering hole, getting all the fucking veterans. You're like, here, guys, just a bunch of soft core or hard? Softcore. It was just like posing pictures. It wasn't even like,

that's nice. Classic, classy. We do it like Gillian Anderson, fake nudes too. No, No, no, no, it was like, like, for land. Oh, okay, got burned by those. Oh, totally, dude.

Damn, the Jennifer Aniston's of the internet. You could find Playboy. Now, wait a second. Here's the biggest question, though. Okay. Were you the only house in the neighborhood that had a printer? I was the only one who had full access to my computer and printer. Yeah.

You got a door you could close. Whatever you're doing in there is whatever you're doing. Parents are not home alone. Oh, my mother was never home. I, yeah, but one thing about those tapes, by the way, always wrestling names. It was like Monday Night Raw, whatever. Smart.

Oh, fucking pounding night raw. Exactly. WrestleMania in 1999. Because that's also, that's the move is now mom's not popping on that tape, right? She's not going to watch Monday Night Raw. That's true. And if your dad fucking found it because he felt like in the mood to watch a wrestling rerun, he probably wouldn't say anything.

Just the old, like, don't let your mother find out. That'd be funny if it was like, you were with a single father and you're like, Bridges of Madison County. Young and the wrestlers. Steel Magnolias and terms of endearment. I have a long weekend. Six hours of pornography.

Have we done with the porno? I think we're good now. So Keith Coogan and Max go back to the house. And oh no, it's the G-Men. Oh, right. Which is interesting to use G-Men. And guess what? Patrick here, Keith Coogan says what we're all thinking. Doesn't statutory rape ring a bell?

It's amazing that movie, the movie even says it. It's kind of insane. Like, yeah, movie, why won't you answer that question? Well, the movie also, right before the G-Men scene, only back to actually,

because it relates to it, the date ends and she's driving him home and he can't tell her that he's homeless. So he's like, oh, just drop me off here. And she pulls over. and like she's trying to like make a move on him and he's kind of not having it

and then he like she goes to kiss him and he does the like oh I think I'm getting a cold yeah and then the movie like you're watching this like fucking pendulum go back and your asshole is in your throat because the movie does that like he says oh no I'm getting a cold and you're like few and then she's like he says like I'm really paranoid about germs and I'm like excellent and then the pendulum starts swinging the other way

and she's like well I don't care about germs and I'm like uh-oh but then she kisses him and it's just a quick little peck and then she's like goodnight so the pendulum swings back the other way but later in the movie they make out and it's as uncomfortable as this is england it really is oh yeah that's another moment of that totally with that like 14 year old kid that 17 year old girl make out and it's horrible looking and there's just skinheads all over the place it's even worse but so the weird thing though that i just want to throw in with this is he's like all right see you late and gets out of the car

and she drives off like he's asked her to drop him off right next to a cemetery and he like jumps up on the cemetery wall and he's dancing down the cemetery wall

in the middle of the night well he just kissed a pretty 16 year old girl wouldn't you? But you can't be dancing under the moon on the wall of a cemetery dude you're asking for a hundred

he's listening to the Smiths he's at the cemetery gates he's happy well you know pretty soon maybe he'll have a girlfriend in a coma I know I know

it's serious. All right. Now, how soon is now? Where are we in the movie? But this is what he becomes a ninja turtle and lives at school essentially. Because like Keith Kugan's like, oh, you can't go home because they're on to you, but I have keys to the school and you can just crash there and the guidance counselor has a couch, et cetera, et cetera. And he lives like a ninja turtle. He definitely does. There's a weird, Keith Kugan's got this line where he's like, oh,

well, he's like, Cryer asks, like, how do you have these keys? And he's like, oh, yeah. Well, you know, my mom's the school nurse. I kind of run the show around here. I was like, dude, you're just like going into your school at night. That's sad. Yeah, I'm just dealing drugs to the whole student body. I just steal them from my mom's a cabinet there and I just let him go.

And this is when you realize, I mean, maybe this is the point of this, this montage you get. It's a, it's a montage of like max fitting it at school, starting to like it. Yeah. And also, like, talking on the PA by himself. So I guess the idea, what we're understanding is he's losing his grip on reality. Absolutely. He's totally lost his mind. And he's doing the like referring to himself already as like president, uh,

houseer, you know, this is, this is your school president. Oh, this is fun. I mean, my God. It's a bit much. You would have to, you literally, to get me back in high school, to do it again. Like, even to get me in that building is one thing. For me to attend to one day of classes and homework, you would have to, you would have to, you I'd have to fucking start ripping fingernails out of my hand.

Like, that's what we're talking about. We're talking real torture. He's got the homework covered, though, because at the beginning of the movie, like, they make a bet where it's like, oh, if he says to Keith Coogan, like, if your mom recognizes me, I'll give you $200 and you got to do my homework. And Keith Coogan's like, okay, if she doesn't, it's $100 and I'll do your homework. So he's got the homework angle covered. Keep Coogan's handling that, at the very least.

That's just the sitting day in and day out in these classes. Well, you got a lot of eye candy to look in. That's what it is. And he's doing like Jim, the idea of doing gym class. Yeah. Jim was tough. Jim's tough. Yeah, I would just leave.

I'd be like, you know what? The Greek mafia can have their way with me at this point. Calipados or whatever the fuck his name is. Capitos. Yeah, you can fucking serve me next to his squid, dude. go for it. Stuff with me fed and put me in an oven, you fuck. I'm done with this.

That's how I want to go, dude. It was part of this montage of having fun. You know, it's just the fun in games montage that included the PA systems at night. But like him and Ryan, the girl are going to the cafeteria for lunch. And they're playing like it's a fancy place. Oh, all of the venison and the,

the pheasant and this and that. Then he doesn't he bump into the grits cook from my cousin Vinny. Oh, does he? Yeah. The guy who's in the, the old black guy who's in the,

he's the janitor. Yeah, the janitor guy. Oh, really? Yeah, he's the good. Oh, yes, he's the guy. Yeah, I make these grits. He's got the big thing of butter. Yeah, I know you're talking about it.

Oh, wow. I did not. But this is what he, it's like this weird janitor who's like sort of a hobo, sort of not a hobo. You know, he's sleeping at school sometimes.

That's a thing. That's a weird thing, right? it's like, I can't narc on this kid because I too am doing what he's doing. It's so funny when he's like, how I ain't supposed to be here either. So come on. They become fast friends.

They're drinking buddies. Totally. The guy recognizes him almost immediately. He's like, oh, fuck, you're the guy from Boston that everybody's looking for. So he knows that he's over 21. So it's good to take this kid down

to my dungeon. Yeah, you know what? Good for you for trying to fuck a 15 year old. Good for you. you, buddy. Exactly. Oh, you're hiding out. But I saw you got a girlfriend. That's kind of fucked up. That's right. Thank you for pointing it out. He says the title of the movie. He says hiding out. Also, we learned that this guy's been watching him for weeks. Yeah. Or something he's like, I've seen you around here for a while now. I've been watching you at night, roller skating around the school and talking into the PA and whatnot. And he's like, you know. I love it one of these mantasas like, attention. Teachers are going to have to have their own homework. And this drunk guy is just like, the fuck is he talking? Like somewhere else like,

this kid is not funny and it's fucking weird. Get some new material, buddy. He's just like the gym totally wasted. I think that's why he finally like, you know, found him and like cut this off. He's like, I can't take these jokes on the pee anymore.

I'm trying to hide in this school basement and get wasted every night. This kid's ruining it. I'm trying to obliterate myself, kid. You're ruining it. So he takes Max to this room that is just like,

like oily rags next to a boiler. It's where Freddie Krueger was executed. Absolutely. You know, I'm working on this glove, Max. I don't know. The guy has some line he's like, oh, well, you know, obviously you can't go home or whatever. You can hide out

in here. I used to sleep here quite a bit. And it's just like a pile of blankets. Would you like to sleep on this nothing? And you find out he's a boxer or he's an Xboxer, which I guess is important for the end of the film. I sure is.

And, you know, so like now it's sort of like, I think Max reads in the paper that the other guy clammed up so now no one is going to take Capitos to trial and he's starting to feel bad about the other guy that died. And he's like, you know, maybe this hiding out isn't such a great idea.

Also, I'm really close to get a second base with a 16 year old girl and I kind of feel conflicted about that. Why you're dating, do you know what? I'm not going to take the whole episode about it. Go home. and finish war and peace.

You goddamn idiot. On the other end of things that isn't sleeping with children is the school election is still going on. And the history teacher ladies like, well, we control the ballots so everything's going to be fine,

Kevin. Yep. See, it's classic Republican stuff. Fucking O'Rourke, dude. It's rigged. It's rigged. It is rigged. It is.

Well, actually, the good thing is only half the votes will count because you see, we change the voting laws These certain classrooms have to vote this certain way. You see Sleepy O'Rourke out there? He's not looking good. He's not looking good. I think he needs a nappy nap, Mr. Sleepy Eye O'Rourke.

They're going to gerrymander like the classrooms. Like, no, no, only you certain kids are part of this one. Yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. So, oh, there's, on the assassin side of things, the hitman who looks like Dracula goes to his, Cryer's grandmother's house and is trying to get a feel

for like, you know, if she knows where he might be, blah, blah, blah. I thought he was going to kill the grandmother and the stakes were going to get raised. Yeah, I thought it was like man bites dog. I'll just yell at her until she dies. Hello, madam. Could you please invite me in? It's a little important.

I am a very formal gentleman. There's no way I could enter your house until you invite me in. I'm smelling garlic. Could we maybe meet at a coffee? But my gravy will burn. Come in, I'm making gravy. That nice man turned into a bat and laughed. And in an odd development, the assassin sees, like, he's like, oh, are these family photos here?

Yes, all my grandchildren are on the wall. And then he finds the card that John Cryer mailed her. And, like, she's oddly, do you guys do this? kept the envelope that the card came in so he can see like where it was mailed from I order I throw out birthday cards absolutely

all of them almost all of them you get a week you get a week you get like an hour I guess that's gone I feel a little conflict with the card but the envelope should go into trash immediately exactly that's just weird like maybe one day I'll feel bad about that but it's not going to be

today I'll be honest with you That's fair But yeah So that he finds the town And so it's like Uh oh the H's O now Because this fucking vampire hitman

Knows where to go Or whatever Yes and this is like Keith Coogan also is upset with him Because like he's not hearing Enough of his problems Because he just flunked the driver's test He's got a big date with this nerd girl

Capital N nerd girl here He's got big old glasses The horniest scene I've seen in quick. Oh, it's really something. It's really something. If they weren't driving a fucking top down Jeep, this place would be steaming right up.

Well, first of all, I mean, like, obviously, you know, they go see Evil Dead too. Yes, I love seeing this marquee, which includes the subtitle as well, Dead by Dawn. Absolutely. Yeah, he, it's the, there's only four people in the screening.

It's him and her and then Donnie Darko and Gretchen. Yeah. And Frank. And Frank is there, sure, yeah, as well. They're all watching it together. wake up Max She's a child Max By the way

By this point I believe John Cryer's got the kiddie porn dungeon That's true Sad word Mad word Oh fucking sparkle motion Just rewatched it a couple weeks Oh yeah

The Arrow 4K disc It's beautiful Oh man I gotta go back I haven't seen it in a long time Love that movie Totally held up By the way, I remember this time, Kevin O'Rourke had done some snooping on Max's school records.

That's right. And he confronts Ryan because, like, he told Ryan that he's from Boston or whatever because he's telling the truth to her. But it says Texas and the file. So he's trying to, like, wedge them apart. Well, Texas or Boston. I mean, come on, Ryan. He has to be racist. I mean, just come on.

That's actually true. Those are the two, like, really dicey places. Just break up with them. I mean, come on. He's got to be. Keith Coogan's date, though, makes a great point. Like, you know what, Keith Coogan, maybe not take a date to see Evil Dead to. Yeah, I guess so.

That movie was not for me. It was so gory and disgusting. And he's like, that's why it's great. And, like, you're right, Keith Coogan. It still works for him. And, I mean, I guess it does work out for him. But, like, bad first date, unless, like, she's obviously already into horror. she did to express that.

She's into him. I mean, he's playing a good bank shot here. She's about to give him roadhead in his Jeep. Pretty much. Well, the weirdest part, it's a stupid like 80s thing where he's like, can you take your glasses off? And she's like, well, no. And she's like, sure. And she can't see. And it's like, I don't know, dude. She looked fine with the glasses.

And she's having him drive. Yeah. Because she doesn't even have her learner's permit yet. But she's such a bad girl that she took the car out. that's what I took the glasses like if she can't see she can't see that I drive like a fucking man I think that's part of it

here's the bit of bullshit about all this though is she's like oh yeah it's my dad's Jeep or whatever they're out of town and then you know I forget what the circumstances but she's like why don't you drive he gets in the car and he just goes oh shit it's a stick shift

listen you you don't just figure that out okay like it took me a really long time to learn how to do it. And I haven't done it in years. So I probably forgot how to do it. But like, you're not just going to pick it up like this. And he's instantly like, yeah, we're doing a lot of like breaking and whatever. But like the car would stall on him and they'd never get out of this parking space. It's ridiculous that he's driving anywhere with this

thing. I will. I will. I will never learn it. And the fucking fact that he gets it in two minutes. I know. Think about he's got the motivation. I guess that's true. Oh man. Yeah. I'm going to get my fucking D.S. I can magically drive a fucking manual transmission. Sometimes it is good to think with that. You just dangle some 16 year olds in front of you. You'll learn out of that. Jesus.

Yeah. So Max apologizes to Kevin and tells him like, listen, I want you to win the election. I don't give a shit about this stuff. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, you know, I'm good. Because I guess he's thinking about going back. And then he takes Ryan this is the, this is England makeup.

seen. And then he explains that, hey, by the way, I'm also 29, 29 years old. 29. Well, thank you so much for the therapy bill. And she's like, oh, and she's very conflicted. And he goes, you know, everything Max said was from Andrew's heart. And I'm like, dude. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to keep that little fish on the line. when he's yelling, when he has that argument in the backyard with Keith Coogan and Keith Coogan's like, you're not listening to me about my driver's test. John Cryer straight up says that he loves this girl.

Max is like, and something, something, and I'm in love with Ryan, and I was like, everything Max said came from Andrew's penis. Heart, I meant heart. I said heart, not penis, heart. It's just awful. And this is the last, so all this happens, the last scene of the movie, we're taking a little nod to the hat to the dead zone here, kind of. The dead zone, it's the end of the parallax view.

Yes, pretty much exactly. I do like the quick scene we get of, there's one of these giant Macs for like school president posters and Dracula is drawn on the fucking beard and like, that's the guy. The beard of the glasses and he's like, oh, look, it's who I've been searching for. Because this Dracula is some other guy The other guy doesn't like has even less To do than Dracula It's really tough like if they both kind of look the same

I guess because they want them all look Greek I assume question why are the idea Because they both got like slick back hair Yeah it's like dyed black too probably look Greek Yeah but like when you're partnered with a guy Who just looks that much like Dracula There's no way you're going to be remembered in this movie There's no way you can stand out

You're acting against Dracula I think it's Renfield is his name. And they absolutely do not look Greek at all. The top two buttons are always buttoned. Yep, you're totally right. Nary a fucking little bit of chest hair at all. So is this like they're like laundering diner money? Is what that going on to this?

It's a Greek joke. Oh, of course. Great. You cut it if you want. No, no, no. Let me set the record straight. That was a good joke. I thought about the fucking small town diner that they were in.

Yeah. did not make the connection. That's just because I'm stupid, but that was a good joke about their great empire. Yeah, the diners. I love the diners. I love the diners.

The grape leaves. The grape leaves. The grape leaves. The dancing. Upa. Yeah. All that stuff. Saganaki.

Sorry. They're, you know, it's whatever and Max is like, well, this is a weird thing. It's a whole school auditorium. And this didn't happen.

I don't know about you, Chris, and your great school elections. But we, I was never brought into a fucking auditorium with like, this is the day we announced who the school president days. And that's what I was going to say. It wasn't that it was a fucking announcement over the morning announcements.

Like so and so won this. So and so won that. And that's it. There was no assembly. There was no cheerleaders. There was no school marching band playing. I would, I will say I would have loved it if it was like the JNC, the SNC, the junior national

committee. and it's just like balloons and fucking stupid hats everywhere and the flag is everywhere. I would love that. Don't stop believe it starts playing. Frack like you like it signs. But yeah, so they had this assembly and it's like, okay,

treasurer was this person, vice president was this person. Meanwhile, you see in the rafters, you know, very parallax view the fucking assassin getting into place and everything to fucking shoot this kid dead. If we're doing this and the ending is the ending, the guy needs to be like,

I'm a little scared of heights. Because like, it comes to pass later and I'm like, then why are you going all the way up there? Yep. Just knife this kid in the alley later. Like, absolutely. Why do we need a sniper rifle? Also, like, to make such a public spectacle of it. Exactly. Totally. I guess to really teach these high school kids a lesson.

And that's why you don't hide out. But your point, Eric, earlier about school shootings, I guess it's like, it's very weird that these kids are reacting to gunfire. But now this is just how every kid. It's every day for that. It's every day. They've been prepared for this. Honestly, they're probably braver than the troops to go to fucking school in this country.

It was truly bizarre watching this go down in like a school auditorium. I was like, wow, 1987 was a completely different time. They just did what you wouldn't make this movie. But you'd never have this. The day new ma of the hiding out remake happened in a school. But before the shooting, right, like Kevin wins the election. Yes. But he knows that it was rigged and because the lady controls the ballots.

I wish Joe Biden had this kind of courage to come up and say that if the election was rigged. Yeah. I just wish he'd have the fucking guts to admit it. Careful. Careful someone is not going to sniff out your sarcasm and you're going to fucking start this all over again. Could you raise your hand if you vote for me? Oh, man. All right.

Raise your hand if you vote. for Mr. Coffee over here. God. Damn it. I knew it. That's what this guy does. How many of you voted for me? A couple folks raised their hand.

All right. How many of you voted for Max? The place goes ape shit. This lady teacher is fucking furious about the whole thing. Yeah, it's great. It would be great if this Dracula Miss just shot this woman in the heart.

This movie could use a little more of a body count. We got that. guy at the start. We got the other FBI agent. That's pretty much it. Here's the thing. You see this lady's fucking chest explode. And she starts, she starts to fall down, uh, like

Willem Defoe, right? But then instead of like just, in platoon, in platoon, right? Sorry, yeah, Willem Defoe in platoon. He's falling down a few times. That's right. So him getting killed in platoon, but she's doing the Richard Nixon fucking two fingers up and she falls. And then he shoots her in the head

after that. Yeah. And then finishes the job. Yeah. Because he's a And then he like takes those skull fragments and polishes them in his spaceship because he's the predator now. Oh my God. If this guy was the predator the whole time.

The new kind of camouflage. Yeah, you all thought I was Dracula, but I was this is the Greek predator. Oh shit, the Greek predator, dude. Still with just as much chest hair. It's just exactly the

predator. It's just a lot of chest hair. It's just a He's just there in a gold chain, but then it's just still the predatory. Why do you mean you don't serve grilled octopus? So what Dracula, like, miss is, right? And then suddenly the janitor, like, runs up there and beats his ass. Dude, this janitor boxing the fuck out of this guy. It's awesome.

Well, he boxes the other guy. Oh, right. I mean, I think he stops the assassination. You're right. He does. And then, like, he's holding them both off. The other guy starts going up into the catwalk. And then he starts being afraid of heights.

And I'm like, well, then don't go up in the case. Catwalk. Yeah. Also, you're running, you're running from John Cryer right now. I mean, like, I... So, like, John Cryer and a bevy of high school children run up to, like, get this guy, which is kind of weird. It's fucking great.

It's like, you're 993 or something. It's like, we can stop him if we fucking get it up together. But what's weird is, like, John Cryer... He's a force. He's crawling up this catwalk after this guy, and he's acting like, whoa. Whoa, I could fall in any second. Whoa. And then you see an overhead shot of what he's standing on.

And it's like a two foot wide platform with safety handles there. I was like, just walk up this. You're not going to fall. It's not like he was on like a little balance beam type thing. And, you know, there was nothing to hold on to. That would be hilarious if a cop a dose was doing like, okay. Yeah, yeah, I think I'm going to hire you for one of my goons here, one thing. You scared of heights.

No, no, no, no, I'm fine. I can do whatever. I could go way up high and shoot people. Oh shit. Oh shit, here it comes. John Cryer. He even points out, John Pryor is like, oh, isn't it kind of weird? You're a sniper and you're scared of heights.

Yeah. I think he also has a line that you're a piss poor hitman. Yes, totally. So they have like a little kerfuffle here on the catwalk. And Keith Coogan kills this guy, which is not addressed enough. Well, because, I mean, we've been saying he's Dracula. And he keeps getting hit with lightning. He goes, he goes, ha!

Because basically, Keith Cugan's got the spotlight for the show or whatever, the auditorium. Because that's what this would be, right? Keith Cugan's guy, yeah, you're the AV guy. You're running that spotlight, motherfucker. And he keeps, as this guy's, like, trying to climb up, he's, like, slashing John Cryer with a knife. And Keith Cugan, like, flashes him. And then he fucking falls. And you see this dude, he drops into a pile of folding chairs.

And all so good. 80 kids are traumatized at once. It's fucking fantastic. Dude, this guidance counselor is going to have to call for backup, man. John Cryer's like, huh, I was trying to fuck one kid. I fucked 80. To be fair. Now 80 kids are going to have nightmares, not just one.

To be fair, I never truly bonded with my own cousin until we murdered somebody together. That's sure. It's a good thing for the relationship. It helps. So John, so John Cryer goes back to Boston. He testifies. we see him in court. We see this guy,

what's Katzalakis? What's this guy? Capados. Not a single line of dialogue in the movie from this guy, which is very weird. It's also a weird thing where the fucking,

the prosecutor is like, oh, okay, you know, John Cryer, you know, can you tell us when it was you, the first time you met Mr. Capados? And they're filming this Capados guy. And did you guys know,

it's like, it sort of looks like Capados like gives him, the okay to talk? Because he sort of like nods his head and like close his eyes. Like, yes, just do it. Send me to jail. It's such a weird reaction that they had this

actor made. There's no shame in being beaten by the best. No, you just heard that this kid went to high school. What a good idea. I wish I could do it. So he does his whole thing and you can only assume this guy's going away, going to be doing time. But Cryer has to go

back into witness protection. And it's a weird like, not back. He's for the first time and he's like saying goodbye to his grandmother and this poor woman's like I don't understand they said I can't talk to you anymore and it's a real thing I'm like you're going to be dead by the next time I talk right right I have to cut off all communication with my grandmother but I'll just be seen with the girl that I was seen with here I'll just sure in my new identity I'll enroll in the college that she's going to so creepy it is on their first stage she's like I got early admission to Iowa right amazing

and then they cut and she's in Iowa trying to get away from people like really trying to get her life back on track really she's like Iowa you know this is it's pretty far from Delaware I watched a man plummet to his death in my high school auditorium I was getting groomed by this 29 year old guy

but at least I'm saying uh oh here he is yeah and he throws garbage at her to get her attention or something classic megging move and it's just like hey they said I could go wherever I wanted within reason. And I'm getting a teaching degree here in Iowa.

And she's like, oh, awesome. I already have a boyfriend. That's what it should have been. Guess what? Eddie Collins is here. That's my new name. And you're mine forever. Well, you know, I killed that assassin.

So maybe I could kill your boyfriend too. Maybe I'll kill you. Who knows? I mean, aside for being, again, 16 to 15 years old than she is a lot of baggage on this dude Like you know what? Let this girl maybe go to college Make some fucking mistakes.

Listen, Eddie Collins Just go to another college And pray find prey there What this movie should have done And it would have been Just as fine Is it's executed like sort of the same way You know the epilogue where it's like

You see her book and it's like Iowa And you realize where she is and whatever and then you see John Cryer and he's maybe like across the parking lot and he's like psyching himself up like all right let's do it let's go talk to her and then like he's 50 feet away and she's there and then all of a sudden

coming between them a car pulls up and it's uh oh she's getting picked up she's got a boyfriend he gives her a big kiss or whatever and they drive off and it's John Cryer like you know what she's happy let's just move on with that's a cool idea I can stalk her any other year I'll be back

I'll get another identity to stalker and another identity Time is but a window Yeah The top on the convertible Flips closed The top is the color Freddy Kruger's sweater

The windows roll up It doesn't make any I mean like it's creepy dude That he follows her to Iowa It is Like you know what dude You kiss this girl Like it was fine

You were lying to her the whole time Let her go Yeah. Let her go. And here's the thing. If in fact this relationship like continues to flourish, let's say they get married. Sure. That's one fucked up tale to tell. The answer of the old how did you mean? You would have to come up with a fake story even to tell your children. You're lying. Your whole life is a fucking lie. Like lies on top of lies. These layers of lying like Christopher Nolan movie. The thing is like it's not just like if they get if this relationship gets sued. he's going to meet that father again and that father's going to know who the fuck he is. Oh, that's right. Oh, my, could you help me

with my taxes again? Oh, no, I don't care that you were fucking my child. But could you help me with my taxes? Or maybe I called the Greek mafia and suddenly make a lot of money. But that's how this guy would have John Cryer

like under his thumb for the rest of his days. Like, you're going to do my taxes every year now. Or else I'm going to go to the Greek mafia. Until it breaks John Cryer and he takes his fucking model airplane and shoves it in his neck and murders him. Ah, yes, a Greek soccer social club. That shipment of olives came in.

It's in my house right now. Hello, Greek soccer club. You mean, oh, I mean, won every block in a story. Yes. A lot of private institutions in our old neighborhood. That's the end of this movie, man. would anybody recommend it? Steve Sadek will start with you? It's a light recommend. It's the 80s thing. I'm a fucking sucker for it.

I think Cryer is fun enough. The movie's kind of a mess. And also like when you think about this for four seconds, you get creeped out to all hell. It's kind of a seeing is believing on it. So that's where I would land this guy. A seeing is believing. Yeah, Chris Cabin. I'm 100% on that. Like it really, the chances and decisions it makes are quite something. And again, Cryer as a

leading man, you don't see it too often. It's kind of funny. But this is probably the worst parody of witness I've ever seen. Eric Sisker. I would recommend it. I watched this a bit when I was a disgusting shit boy myself. So, I mean, it's fun. It's stupid. Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

It's creepy. It's the 80s. So you know what you're getting into. But I had a good time revisiting it. Yeah, I had a good time watching it for the first time. Yeah, there's some dicey shit in here, man. It was 1987. It's dicey's all get out. You know, it is what it is. But there's other stuff I think worth checking out. I think it is a total seeing his believing situation. And again,

they don't make movies like this anymore. We don't have fucking mid-level weird movies, you know, blending genres that shouldn't be blended really too often. So like, I don't know, check it out. And also, I just really like John Cryer. And it's cool seeing him fucking headline a movie. You know, Keith Kugan, I always find totally fun. I'm always a fan. Same, yeah. It's always nice scene.

You know, dishes are done, man. Dishes are done, man. He aged well, yeah. I liked him and don't tell mom. Yeah, totally. Yeah, dishes are done, man. And this episode's done, man. That's going to do it for hiding out from 1987,

directed by Pepsi commercial director, Bob Giraldi. If you want more, we hate movies, of course, check out Patreon.com slash we hate movies. A lot of shit on there this month, including a we love movies episode on Memento coming out soon. Yeah, you just talked about Christopher Nolan right there. Oh, that's right. There's a lot of Nolan talk.

What else we got coming up in the month of September for Patreon? September, I think on the Gleap Glossary, we're going to be finally digging into General Grievous. There we go. That's going to be maybe the longest Gleap Gloucester. Hello there, indeed. We're having some questionable episodes on Beverly Hills, Melro 210.

Oh, sure. We'll revisit similar themes about students and teachers fucking around a little bit on the Melrose. That's right. If you notice, like, on the feed that the Melro 2 and O episodes from last summer, well, guess what? That show is back and it's on Patreon. And it's been going on for a little while now. So hop on the trolley. Same tier as that. We got the once in a lifetime program where we already have episodes up, which you could unlock right now on deadly mile high club, death of a cheerleader. Chiliter. And stalked by my doctor. Great movies. Great movies all. Great trilogy there. Yes. Great trilogy of cinema right there. And of course, here on the main feed, the show, we'll continue, of course, next week a new episode pulling into the station.

Steve, what are we talking about? Oh, it's time. Hey, folks, Andrew here. Right about now, Steve was about to tell you all that next week's episode was going to be true lies, the Arnold Schwarzenegger problematic action classic. Here's the thing. Turns out that movie's not streaming anywhere,

and we know that a lot of folks like to watch ahead of time and all that good stuff. So we're going to call an audible on that for now. And instead, next week's episode is Varsity Blues. That's right. The James Vanderbeek MTV Films classic Varsity Blues. This also means

that the remaining few seconds of this episode are complete horseshit and you should disregard them. And indeed, next week's episode, Varsity Blues. We'll see you then. Yes. Oh, here you come. Only seen that movie once. Really? I've seen it like 15 times.

And it's got problems, but it's very good. It's going to be emphatic WLM for me. There are definitely issues. Absolutely. Until next week when we discuss those issues, I'm Andrew Jupin. Stephen Sadek. Eric Siskel. Chris K.

Take it easy. That was a hate-gum.